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Howard started the show complaining that Fred had lowered the opening theme song. Howard told him to just leave it up for him. Howard said he saw that Jay-Z was in the house. He played some of his ''99 Problems'' song as he was talking about that. He also played a couple of mash up versions of that song. There was one mashed up with Metallica, Jimi Hendrix and one with 99 Luftballoons. Howard said it works with just about any song. Robin said she doesn't usually like mash ups but she liked all three of those. Howard said that Jay-Z should be there today. He's scheduled to be on today. Billy Joel is scheduled for tomorrow. Howard said you can only hope that they show up.
Howard said this weekend he started off falling asleep on Thursday night. He said he was woke up Friday morning and Beth was staring at him. He said she was waiting all night for him to get up. Howard said the dog woke her up and one of the pets woke her up. She leaves the TV on for the cat so she walked by and saw Gary on Kimmel. She was beside herself after seeing what happened. Howard said she told him it was the greatest thing ever.
Howard said Gary went out on Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy brought up Gary's Mets pitch where he screwed up his throw. Howard said he threw a horrible pitch. It was the most feminine pitch ever. Howard said they measured out in the studio so Gary could redeem himself. Gary didn't want to do it. Robin said it didn't look set up at all either. She said that Gary sat in his chair for a long time. Howard said Gary pitched so bad. He said on the third pitch he threw horribly. Howard said Gary threw all three really bad. He said that Gary hit a woman in the head with the ball. Robin said the all always just goes off to the side.
Howard said he had a million thoughts going through his head. He said that if jimmy had asked Gary to hit someone in the head there's no way he would have been able to do it. Howard said he's not sure what he was thinking. (The Kimmel video - Part 1, Part 2)
Howard said Gary has a wild pitch. Jimmy can throw because he threw it right to Gary. Howard said Gary can't throw at all. That's what his brother-in-law told him. Howard said Gary knows he can't throw. He said it's a lose-lose situation. Jimmy throws a glove to Gary and he gets up and tries to throw. Howard said Gary should have said no. He said he didn't have to do it. Howard said Gary should have known that he was going to be a laughing stock the rest of his life based on that. Howard said he doesn't know what was going through his mind.
Gary came in and said that they know he can't pitch. He said he can throw a ball. Gary said he felt that he had no choice. He said if he had gotten up and said no then they would have goofed on him either way. Gary said he felt put in a bad position. Howard said Gary is like a woman who was raped and then spread her legs and said she'd do it again.
Howard asked why he did it. Gary said he felt it would have been just as bad if he hadn't done it. Howard said he should have said no.
Gary said he felt like it was a bit of a dick move for Jimmy to do what he did. Howard said it's really not. He said Gary should have just said no to Jimmy. Robin said that she felt bad for Gary. Jimmy took out the gloves and walked to the position because he was going to do it no matter what. Howard said Gary thinks he's an athlete and he's really not. Howard said Gary can not throw a ball to save his fucking life. Howard asked what happened. Gary said there was a time when he could.
Gary said he didn't get any sleep that night. Howard asked if he told Jimmy that. Gary said he really didn't want to be put in that position. Howard told him once again that he should have said no. Gary said Jimmy told him that he sold a million books for him by doing that. He said he asked him what he was doing after that and they weren't able to go out together. He said that the segment producer saw how upset he was and then a co-executive producer came in and did the same. Gary said that he was being told the same bullshit that he tells guests when they're upset.
Howard said he was dumbfounded that he took part in that. Howard said he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do. Gary said that it was Jimmy and his friend. He said that he can't just say no. Howard said he should say no. Howard said he had to have wanted to do it to redeem himself. Gary said he kind of did. He said it could have been a win situation. Howard said it couldn't be a win situation no matter what.
Howard said he still can't believe he went through with that. Howard said if they asked him to do something like that he would have just said ''fuck you!'' Gary said that's Howard, not him. Howard asked the Howard TV guys to cue up the pitches. They had the video ready and showed Gary throwing his three, awful, pitches. He threw until he nailed a woman in the top of the head. Howard said the third one is the best. Howard said he wiped out the whole audience.
Howard started laughing hysterically. He said Gary came out there so cocky that night too. He did a great job during the interview and then ruined it.
Gary said after he did Letterman he was feeling pretty good. Howard was still laughing and told Gary that he's the best. He said he flew all the way out to Los Angles for that. He said with this pitching it's becoming his whole thing. Gary said he's never pitching for anyone else again. He said they can all go fuck themselves. Howard asked what he did. Gary said he didn't do anything. Howard said he asked Gary why he was doing the Citi Field pitch. Gary said he knows all of that. Howard said he doesn't have to go along with everything people ask him to do. Gary said he knows that. Howard said he lost his mind. Gary said he also lost his dignity.
Howard said Gary is like the guy who thinks he can knock down the milk bottle at the carnival and he keeps going and going even though it's impossible. Gary said he wanted to leave now. Howard said he can't leave. Howard asked if Jimmy Fallon asks him to eat his own feces, will he do that. Gary said of course he won't.
Gary said after doing Letterman Robin said it made her feel a different way about him. Now it's all erased. He said he signed 900 books this weekend and now it's like it didn't happen at all. He said that it's all about the pitch. Howard said he was telling Gary not to get up as he was watching the show. He said everyone is going to remember that pitch and not the book signing's. Gary said he has to go to his office. He said he's got it and he doesn't need to hear this. Gary said he'll be listening in his office.
Howard said he likes how Gary knows to protect himself in there but for Jimmy he's his bitch. Howard told Gary to get Jimmy on the phone. Robin said Jimmy will laugh at his misery. Howard said he's going to ask himself forever why Gary did this. Robin didn't think he could do it three times so bad.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to laugh at Gary really hard. He wanted to make sure Gary was listening and then laughed.
Bobo called in and asked if that woman was taken out on a stretcher. Howard said he's never participated in a sport like that but he thinks that two women were wiped out from that. Howard said that was a hard ball too. Robin said that it was kind of reckless to stand in the audience like that. Howard watched the wind up again and it was two women. Howard said that woman got hit on the back of her head. They were going over every pitch and watching it like the Zapruder film.
Howard asked Robin to help Gary out with his pitching. Robin said she throws the same way Gary does. Howard said Gary can't be a part of anything unless you're a participant. Howard said he would have run out of there if he was Gary. Howard said he could have given Jimmy a kiss and walked off. Gary said Jimmy gave him that glove and he thought it was some kind of token. He didn't know he was going to ask him to pitch.
Howard told Gary he can't be mad at Jimmy for throwing him under the bus. He said Jimmy gave Gary the bus and he ran himself over.
Gary said he made a split second decision and it was a bad one. He doesn't like that Jimmy put him in that position to begin with.
Howard asked Gary to put a dildo in his ass on the show today. Gary said ''Sure, get me five.'' Howard asked Gary if he saw Jimmy after the show. Gary said he saw him for a minute but then he left and didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. Gary said he got a note from the producer. He said they know he's upset and they wanted to let him know that they love him. Gary said he sent a note back saying that he felt painted into a corner and no one else had done that to him. He said that this pitch is going to be remembered from the book tour and that's it. He said he felt blind sided and he got a note back saying that they didn't know that they shouldn't discuss it. Gary said it wasn't about discussing it. He said if they had read the chapter about that pitch then they would have known that he wouldn't want to do it.
Bobo said that Gary threw that glove at Jimmy too. Howard asked Scott DePace about the pitch. Scott wanted to stay out of it. He wasn't going to comment. Scott said he did laugh pretty hard at the pitches though. He said he turned off his video games and then saw Gary throwing his pitches. He laughed when he hit the woman in the head.
Howard asked Scott why Gary would partake in that. Scott said he probably thought he could do it well. He said it's hard to throw in a sport coat though. Howard said that's true. Howard asked Scott if he can throw a ball. Scott said he could do that with his eyes closed.
Howard talked to Gary about the rest of his weekend. Gary said he went on Adam Carolla's podcast and did fine on there. He didn't even bring it up on there. He said he had some great book signing's too. He said that a bunch of people came out to see him like Jeff Probst and Mark McGrath. He said that Jillian Barberie was hosting a special on Howard 101. Gary had a lot of fun out there other than the pitch.
Howard said Gary's first twitter after the pitch was about how he can't throw and he's done. Howard said he really has to stop pitching.
Captain Janks called in and said there's a huge article down in the Philly area about the pitch and Gary is quoted as saying he would pitch again under the right circumstances. Gary said that he was asked to do a reality show and that's what he would do it for. He said that's what he was talking about in that article.
Howard asked Fred what he thought of all of this. Fred said he was doing terrific on the show until the pitch. He said it was like he was grooming himself for this for years. He said he was funny and endearing and then the pitch.
Howard saw that Gary was eating eggs and putting something on them. Gary said it was guacamole. Gary said that it's good fat according to his nutritionist.
Another caller asked if that was a real baseball. Gary said it was. Howard said he heard it was a practice ball but Gary said that's the same thing.
Howard told Gary again that he could have declined to do it. Howard said he heard from Jimmy and he was goofing the whole time. Gary said that's kind of douchey to do that. He said to call and gloat is just wrong. Howard said he didn't gloat. Howard had the note from Jimmy somewhere so he tried to find that to read to Gary.
Howard said he doesn't get why Gary did this. Howard said Jimmy had to go to St. Louis to be at a wedding on his birthday weekend. Gary said that's like the same thing so ''wow.'' Howard said he gets a lot of messages on his Blackberry. He said it's tough to go through them all. Howard said he was looking at the Android phones but he thinks he's going to stick to his Blackberry. He said he loves the connection it has.
Howard said the first note he got from Jimmy was ''Wait until you see what happened tonight.'' Howard read some more of what Jimmy wrote about Gary hitting the woman in the head with the ball. Gary said he likes how it's Howard's show and he's the blindsider. He said that all he does is feed Howard information. He said that he doesn't blind side people. Howard said he's feeling bad for Gary. He said he can tell he's taking it really hard.
Gary said he feels humiliated. It goes beyond the pitch at this point though. He said it just wasn't a cool thing. Robin asked if Howard made Jimmy get Gary to pitch. Howard jokingly said he did.
Another caller said that Gary's kids are going to get goofed on about that on the show. Gary said he talked to the kids about it and they know what happened. Howard said he wishes his parents had talked to him about stuff like that.
Gary said his wife sent him the nicest email after that. Howard asked what it said. Gary said he had to find it. He said he was going to call Howard after that but he knew Howard wouldn't take his call.
Gary found the note and read it to Howard. Gary's wife told him that he can do so many other things so well that the pitch doesn't matter to her. She told him not to listen to any of that and that she loves and misses him. Howard asked if he was crying after that. Gary said he wasn't.
Howard said he still doesn't get why Gary participated. He said he must have thought he could do it. Robin said that's what she thinks was going on.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing Artie Lange laughing clips. They had Artie laughing his ass off about Gary's pitch. They also had him saying ''yes'' to some of Howard's questions about that. Howard got some laughs out of that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that whole thing ruined her weekend. She said she had to leave Jimmy a message about that saying that he had no right to do that. Howard said that Gary didn't have to do the pitch though. They went back an forth on that for a few seconds before Howard hung up on Mariann. Howard told her that he got her beautiful note that she sent to him too.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that all Gary was doing was a pitch. Howard said that Gary was on top of the world until that pitch. He said he shouldn't care so much about a pitch but he does.
Jeff the Drunk said he wasn't disappointed at all. He said that was a ''smooth move ex-lax.'' He said he made popcorn that night. Howard asked if he watched it live. Jeff said he did and it was great. He said he was loving it.
Another caller just laughed when Howard picked up. He said that Gary is just another Mets fan that can't pitch. Another caller said Gary is like Charlie Brown. He said he lines up to kick that football and it just doesn't go his way.
One caller asked what videos he's destroy if he had the chance, the pitching videos or the sleeping videos. Gary said he would destroy the pitching videos of course. Howard said he felt bad for Gary but Gary knows that he's just busting his balls.
Robin said she didn't see the pitches until this morning. She said she didn't talk to anyone the whole weekend so she didn't know what had happened. She said she watched the show and saw Jimmy give Gary the glove and she couldn't believe it was happening.
Another caller said they should get Jason to go up against Sal, JD and Gary in a pitching thing. Jason came in and said that he can't do worse than Gary. Jason said he knows he can't throw. Howard said Gary thinks he can throw though. That's the difference. Jason said he's pretty sure he could throw it pretty straight. Howard said it would be pretty funny if he could throw better. Sal said he thinks he could beat him too. He said he can't throw very well but he could beat Gary.
Howard said he has no confidence himself. He said when he knows he can't do something, he just doesn't do it. Howard said Gary believed that he could throw that ball so that's why he did it. Howard said if Gary had thought about it he wouldn't have done it. Howard asked what he was thinking when he threw the second pitch. Gary said he thought it wouldn't be any worse than the first. Howard and Robin lectured Gary about the whole thing for a couple of minutes. Sal was in the studio laughing at Gary the whole time.
Howard said he thinks Gary could have gotten it right on the fourth pitch. He said he can't think of the right analogy for this whole thing. He said he just didn't think it through though.
Jeff Jarvis (BuzzMachine.com) called in and said that he will be the one guy to defend Gary. He said Gary is the mench's mench. He said Gary goes through this and he had no choice but to do it. He said people would have gotten upset with him if he hadn't done it. Howard said that it's not rolling off of Gary's back though. Jeff said the bad thing was to show his weak underbelly to Howard. Howard said he's going to wonder about why Gary agreed to do it forever. Jeff said that if he had said no then it wouldn't have worked. Howard said he could have run out of there. He said he could have done it in a funny way so he wouldn't be humiliated again.
Gary asked if there is a chance that they won't have anything on December 16th. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen. He said that he thinks that they will have something worked out by the 16th of December. Howard said he may not have an answer for them by then though. Gary asked what they should do. Howard said they should go pitch a ball on Kimmel and see if Jimmy will hire them. Howard said he really doesn't know what he'd tell everyone to do at that point. He said that he's going to be putting something together but he won't know what to tell everyone. Howard said he's hoping that major league baseball will hire Gary.
Howard told Gary he's sorry about this whole thing. He said that he will throw 50 things at guests and they turn stuff down. If they say no then he just moves on. Gary said it's so different when there's an audience involved. He said Howard has never gotten out of his chair to do something with a guest. That's what Jimmy did to him. He said he felt painted into a corner.
Howard said he feels bad for Gary about the whole thing. He said he's reliving the whole thing over and over again. He said the Kimmel thing got him going all over again.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Gary has to have a little humility. He said that it made for great TV and great radio this morning. He said they love Gary and it just makes him more famous. Gary said that this hour and Jimmy Kimmel's show won't sell any books. He said it won't sell enough to make him feel any better. Howard said Gary just wants to be able to pitch that ball like a little boy. Gary said Howard wants to be a chess grand master. Howard said that the difference is that he knows he can't be a grand master but Gary thinks he can throw that ball.
Howard said Tim Sabean was in there and he probably said the wrong thing to him. Gary was laughing at him because Tim must have said something wrong to him. Gary said Tim told him ''it was great, just great...'' Tim said it was good coverage the whole weekend. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said he was trying to tell Gary that his pitch on Kimmel would sell books. Howard said that he may have to read the book again now that he saw that. Howard said Gary really just wants to go home.
Howard said there's a guy who flew in from L.A. who made an app for the iPhone that tells you if you're ugly or not. Howard said he thought it was a good app. Howard said he doesn't need that since he knows he's ugly already. Howard said the guy flew in all the way from L.A. so he had him come in.
The guy came in and said that he sells the app for 99 cents. He said you can find it ''Ugly Meter'' and it's a blue icon. It's available for iPhone and for Android. He said you can use it as many times as you want. He sold 100,000 copies the first week he had it up for sale.
Howard checked out the app and tried it out. The guys were trying to set it up to work but Will had some trouble with that. Howard got his picture taken and the meter gave him a 0.0 and 10 is the ugliest. Howard said he's in the league of Brad Pitt with that. Howard asked if it's a real app or just a goof. The guy said it's a real app but it's just for fun.
Howard let the guy, Joe, get in a plug for his app. He said that you have to make sure it's the blue icon because there are some rip offs out there. He said they're Chinese companies that ripped him off. Joe was actually from Phoenix and not from L.A. too. Howard asked Gary to make sure the guy deletes the picture. Gary said he'd take care of that now.
Howard said that you have to wash your hair every day. Robin said there are people who say you shouldn't shower every day. Howard said that might be okay outside of the city but not in the city.
Lisa said that they have a story about the new Robin Quivers logo that she's got out. She said that they have a picture of Robin in a Soul Fire t-shirt and an RQ logo. Howard said he loves that. Robin said they had a designer do the logo. Howard said Robin is on fire.
Lisa said they found Gilbert O'Sullivan and asked him what he thought about being included in Gary's list of songs from the 70s. Lisa said Gilbert was thrilled.
Lisa said they spoke to the fire fighter who donated his Christmas tree to Rockefeller Center this year. He's a big Stern Fan so they spoke to him about that.
Lisa said they also spoke to someone who worked with Gary back at Record World. He's now in charge of special events for Major League Baseball.
Howard played the clip from this Woody Johnson show. Woody asked him about the divorce and Billy gets up, tells him to have a good day and walks off. Billy said it was very rude to do that. Woody said that he was very sorry but he had to ask. Howard said the guy could have just said he wanted to keep it to himself. He said he could have handled it in a different way. He said if the guy doesn't want to talk about stuff like that then he shouldn't be doing interviews.
Howard said Tracy Morgan went on Regis and Kelly last week after their show and he changed his story about his girlfriend being pregnant. Kelly asked him about the pregnancy and Tracy changed the story. It was actually the next day and when asked about the baby Tracy said that his character's wife is having a baby so people get that twisted.
Howard asked what was going on there. He said maybe he didn't want to say that she was pregnant or something. He said that Tracy told them that she was pregnant. Howard said he has an answer for everything but it's not consistent.
Howard played another clip from a news program where a caller threw in his name during a report about an alleged suicide bomber. The reporters took a call from this guy who said that the guy was going to jump if Howard didn't sign with Sirius XM. They hung right up on the guy. Howard said that he could have said that but they didn't believe it.
Howard said he was reading the article about the firing and how Kevin had come into WGN and got rid of all of their loyal supporters when he made so many changes. Howard said they don't take kindly to outsiders so he may have done too much at once. Howard said things weren't gelling so they ended up firing him.
Howard said he doesn't like to see anyone out of work, even Kevin. Howard said he didn't like the guy but they did have conversations and things were fine. He said he knows how sadistic the guy is but he doesn't like to see people out of work.
Howard said that Kevin would memo everyone when he would reprimand him. He said he'd even send them to Imus and his crew. He said Kevin would hang them on walls there at WNBC and people would look at him like he was a scumbag. Howard said the union guys had no respect for him because of Kevin. Howard said the guy was the most vicious guy he's worked with. Howard said no one was more vicious than Goff Labar until he met Kevin.
Howard said he is kind of glad that the guy isn't having success but he doesn't like to see anyone out of work. He doesn't care about Kevin and he doesn't even want to hear about the guy.
The caller asked Howard about an article if he's really authorized to carry a weapon. Howard said he has been authorized to do that for many years. He said that they let him do that ever since he started working with Fred. Howard said he used to live in Roosevelt and there were more people trying to get him then than there are now. Howard said that every celebrity has to deal with some nutty fans. He said that he should be able to get to his gun if someone breaks into his home. Howard said you can't always have a gun on you. He said that it's a false sense of security sometimes too.
Howard said he has fired off every kind of gun at firing ranges. He said that there is inevitably a guy who wants to just carry a gun. He said you see them with a holster at the range. He said you get really nervous when you see guys like that. they don't look like they're fully there. Howard said they ask him to fire their guns and it's such a weird thing. Howard said he'd rather just worry about his own gun and not someone else's.
Howard said he went to a record signing once and this guy walked in with a really hot girlfriend. He said the guy asked him if he wanted to fuck his girlfriend. Howard said if he was ever going to cheat it would have been there but he didn't want to do that since he was married. Howard said there are guys who do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wished him luck with whatever decision he makes about his career. The guy also asked Robin an F-Marry, Kill with Kevin Metheney, Joel Hollander and Les Moonves. Robin said she would kill Joel and Marry Les and F Kevin. They spent a minute talking about that for a minute. Howard talked about why those guys were such bad bosses. Howard said that Kevin was just vicious and Les was just dumb. Robin said Joel knew that Howard was his cash cow so she has to kill him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Jay-Z was there. He said he's been reading his book and he has a fascinating life. Jay-Z came in and Howard asked when the last time was that he saw him. Jay-Z just asked what was up and what was happening.
Howard said he has his book, ''Decoded,'' and asked if he has an Andy Warhol picture on the front. He said that's what it was. Howard said that's like an art book. Jay-Z said he collects art and he has some Andy Warhol pictures. Howard asked Jay-Z if he ever feels like he's getting hustled when it comes to art. Howard said he would get that feeling if he was into art. Jay-Z said that would be life. He said you feel that way with anything. Jay-Z said that it's all about art. He said he tries to buy things that resonate with him.
Howard asked Jay-Z where he goes to buy art. Jay-Z said he has many different artists work. He said he has some older stuff and some new stuff. He said there are things that he has that just resonate with him and it doesn't matter if they make a ton of money or not.
Howard said he was reading about how Jay-Z hustled the people who own the theme to Annie to get the rights to use it. Howard said he worked that situation and made it happen. Jay-Z said that was an important song for him so he had to make it work. He said he painted a couple of lies as the truth to make it happen.
Howard said he was reading the epilogue in the book and he talks about meeting Oprah Winfrey. Howard figured it was going to be about them hitting it off. Howard said that Oprah didn't understand him and where he comes from. Howard asked if that was really uncomfortable for him. Jay-Z said that he wanted Oprah to understand him and they just came up in different eras. He said the N-word to Oprah is something much different than it is to him.
Howard said Jay-Z says that Michael Jackson's ''Thriller'' is the best album ever but he disagrees. Howard said he thinks that Sgt. Peppers is the best in his mind. Jay-Z said that one is in his top 5. Howard said he was reading about Jay-Z and how things started to change for him when rap started. Jay-Z said that it resonated to him and it was something closer to home than the other music that was being made. Jay-Z said that it was easier for them to tell these stories about things that had just happened.
Howard said he was shocked that Jay-Z used to write poems when he was a little kid. Howard said his friends would steal them from him. He said that's such a betrayal. Jay-Z said it was just about the guys going to school and getting the girls. Howard said they just liked his poems and they were really strong.
Jay-Z said he and his cousin didn't speak for years when he was trying to get out there and pursue his dreams. He said he couldn't wait for rap so he was doing other things.
Howard asked Jay-Z about being a crack dealer and a hustler and if he was afraid of going to jail. Jay-Z said he was afraid of getting killed too. He ended up shooting his brother in the shoulder at one point. Howard asked if he thinks that has anything to do with his father leaving. Jay-Z said of course it did. He said he was really close to his father. Jay-Z said their house was the party house and they had a lot of records there and his parents had their names on the records. He said they had reel to reel stuff and records there. Jay-Z said his house was filled with joy all the time. Jay-Z said they had a great time until the divorce. He said he was on his own a lot after that. He said he has two sisters and one brother and he's the youngest.
Howard asked what happened that led to his father leaving. Jay-Z said his father's brother got stabbed and killed and it really sent him into a spiral. He said he would go out and look for the guy that did it. He said his mom told him he couldn't do that because he had a family to take care of. He wasn't able to deal with the pain of the split between his brother and family. It was very traumatizing to him and he was never the same after that. All he knew at the time was that his father had left. He just left and didn't come back.
Howard asked if his mother spent every day crying. Jay-Z said she was super strong but he never saw her cry. He said she may have cried behind closed doors. Jay-Z said he knew that his father was only about 15 minutes away in the projects. Howard said that must have driven him nuts.
Howard asked about reconciling with his father and how that happened. Jay-Z said that his mother made it happen actually. He said that they had tried to make it happen before that but it didn't work out. He said they finally got together after many years of not seeing each other. Jay-Z said he doesn't think his father had done it for the money either. He said he went into it thinking that he was going to tell him off but that's not what happened. Jay-Z said that his father is still a tall, strong man at the time. He said he looked healthy at the time but he died the next month. He said that he had a bad liver. Jay-Z said he knew he was sick but they didn't discuss it at the time. They never did catch the guy who killed his brother either. Jay-Z said he would tell them if he really did. Howard said it's weird how he went out and looked for his father even after he had left him. Jay-Z said your father is like Superman to you so when they leave you never let anyone get that close to you again. He said you're afraid of getting hurt again.
Howard asked Jay-Z about going to therapy. Jay-Z said his therapy is his music. He said he has a million therapists. Jay-Z said he never finished high school or went to college. He said he has to do his thing.
Howard asked Jay-Z what he said to his father when he met with him. Jay-Z said that they talked about the days when he left and how he was only up the street. He said that his father dealt with that stuff in his own way. Jay-Z said that it was his own stubbornness kicking in. He said he did end up hugging him. He said that his father passed a month later so that was the last time he saw him. He said that he was still drinking and smoking even though he knew he was sick. He was only 54 or 55 at the time.
Howard asked if he ever got married again or anything like that. Jay-Z said he never did. That whole brother thing freaked him out.
Howard asked Jay-Z if his family asks for money from him. Jay-Z said he has a great support system and they're very protective of him. He said that they still have a great relationship and he doesn't have a lot of people hitting him up for money. He said that his immediate family is so protective that there's no taking advantage of him.
Howard said he was reading about how he calls himself a hustler and he now understands that it's like a master manipulator. Jay-Z said that a hustler is like a guy who figures out a way to make their way in this society. He said that he made a lot of bad decisions when he was growing up. He said that he need to be forgiven for that stuff but he wants people to see that they're more than just crack dealers.
Howard asked if he was a good crack dealer. Jay-Z said he was really good actually. He said if you add up the hours it wasn't great money though. Howard said he managed to avoid big prison time. He said he read that he got pulled over and he had a car full of crack and they were going to have dogs come in to sniff out his car. The dogs couldn't come so they had to let him go. Jay-Z said that inspired his song ''99 Problems'' and he knew that he was getting pulled over for doing nothing wrong but he was in the wrong having the drugs in the car. Jay-Z said that he was pulled over for nothing and it's obvious that he was being racially profiled. He was doing something wrong though. Howard said that was really eye opening for him. He said it must really suck to have that going on. Jay-Z said that it makes you do bad things.
Howard and Jay-Z talked about the rap and how it has turned into an art form over the years. Howard said that Jay-Z started to make money and now he's in a world that he didn't come from. Howard asked if he ever doesn't know what to say because he's not from that world. Jay-Z said he never feels ignorant. He said that he could be Oprah or Bill Gates or Warren Buffet. He said that they were all given opportunities. Howard said he read about Bill Gates and how he had access to computers as a kid. He said that he had more computer time than anyone but back then it was expensive. Howard said he had a father who was able to get him in to the lab for free and those are the opportunities that people don't all get.
Howard said he saw Jay-Z and Beyonce with a bunch of security guards around them. He said he didn't say anything to them. Jay-Z said it was just two security guards. Howard said he doesn't see how a famous guy like him can go out. Jay-Z said that he's out there trying to push their culture forward. Howard said he's going to lose touch with the people. He said that he's still in touch with those emotions and problems that he grew up with. The only difference is that he isn't sitting on a park bench in his old neighborhood.
Howard asked about Rihanna and if he's really hands on with her career. Jay-Z said he is managing her now but they had just signed her to their record label in the beginning. Jay-Z said he heard her stuff and he wanted to meet her. He said he knew she was a star the day he met her. He said that she performed in his office and she was only 16 at the time. Jay-Z said he told her that there was no way out of his office and he signed her that day.
Howard said that Rihanna must be generating a fortune. He asked if he could retire on her stuff alone. Jay-Z said no because he has expensive tastes. Howard asked what it is that he has expensive tastes on. Jay-Z said he was just half kidding. He said that he wants to raise and spoil his kids. Jay-Z said that he would like to change the whole generation of things. Howard asked what kind of watch he had on. Jay-Z said it was just a ''plain'' Rolex.
Howard said that Jay-Z has said some things about President Obama and how things have been going since he got into office. Jay-Z said that he had some discussions with Obama right before he ran for president. He said that one of his said had set up that meeting.
Howard asked Jay-Z about using Alicia Keys on his song and how he decides on who to use. Jay-Z said that the song has to come first. He said that he thought Alicia fit that Empire State of Mind better than anyone. He said he thought about using Mary J. Blidge too but the piano parts just fit Alicia better. They spent a minute talking about the song and how huge it was last year. Howard asked how he heard the song. Jay-Z said he had a friend, Big John, who sent the song to him. He said he broke up the song and added some stuff to it and then added Alicia Keys to it. Jay-Z told Howard about some of his other songs that he has written.
Howard asked Jay-Z what happened to Lauren Hill. He said she's got one of the greatest voices ever. Jay-Z said her record company forced her to come out with music she didn't want to do. He said that kind of frustrated her. Jay-Z said he doesn't do that kind of thing to his artists.
Gary came in and said that Jay-Z had to go. Howard said he had more to talk about. Jay-Z said he had a couple more minutes. Howard said he loves that song by Kanye West with scumbag and douche bag in it. Jay-Z said he figured he'd like that. They talked about Kanye going up on stage last year when Taylor Swift won an award. Jay-Z said that the timing was bad for that. He said that it was bad when he spoke out against President Bush too. He said they were both bad timing situations.
Howard asked Jay-Z if he takes his own toilet everywhere he goes. He said he loves that idea. Jay-Z said he doesn't do that.
Howard got in a plug for Jay-Z's book ''Decoded'' which is out tomorrow. Howard said he'll be signing books in a couple of locations there in the city on Wednesday. Howard asked if he'll sign every person's book that shows up. Jay-Z said that he can't sign 10 million copies but he'll do his best to sign everyone's.
Howard asked Jay-Z about trying to get Lebron James to the Nets. Jay-Z said he's a personal friend so he did ask him to come there. He said he's not angry for him not coming there though. Howard asked if it's profitable to own a team like the Nets. He said it's really not. He said they don't make money. He said there are only a couple of teams that make money like the Lakers. He said the Knicks might make money too since that places is always packed. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Kanye has to stick to the singing and not do interviews. He said he had some audio of him on the Today show trying to talk to Matt Lauer and he's not very good at that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's 64 years old and he has a different perspective of this kid (Jay-Z) after that interview. He said that interview has to go down in history. He said Howard can't retire because they need more of those interviews. Howard said that's great that Jay-Z made a new 64 year old fan.
Another caller said that he wanted to say the same thing that guy just said without the Brooklyn accent. He also asked if he was asked not to bring up Beyonce. Howard said he wasn't told not to but he knows that he won't say much about her when he does bring her up. Howard said he wasn't given any directives though.
Another caller said that was an awesome interview. He said he enjoyed every minute of it. The caller asked if they're going to end Howard TV after this year. Howard said he doesn't think he's leaving the airwaves but he's not sure where he will end up. The caller said he'll be there behind him wherever he goes. Howard said he will make it easy for everyone to find him no matter what happens. He said he'd like to stay right there though.
Howard said that the guy sitting in the studio is not a stalker. That is Adam who won an auction for the chance to sit in. Howard said hi to Adam and found out that he won the auction on CharityBuzz.com. He said he was going at it in a meeting while trying to win the auction. Adam told Howard about where he went to dinner and it's a place Howard likes to go.
Adam said he's been listening since the NBC days. He said he wakes up at 3 in the morning and listens every morning out in L.A. He said that Robin is stunning too. He was taking about some of the stuff he saw going on in there.
Adam said he thinks that his dad worked with his father at WHOM with Symphony Sid. He wanted to know if his dad knew his dad. He said his dad's name was Ray Carol. Howard said he'd find out for him.
Howard said that this stuff is coming to light because of Obama saying he wants a transparent government. Howard said he's not sure why we were saving Nazis back then. He said it made him want to throw up reading that stuff.
Howard said he was listening to Sirius Hits 1 and they have this song called ''We Speak No Americano'' and it was so goofy that he figured it had to be a goof. He had Fred play the song and said this is a hit in America. He said he thought it was a Sopranos soundtrack song or something. Robin said she's heard this song. Robin said it was featured in The Talented Mr. Ripley but they turned it into a dance song. Gary said it was in a movie he saw recently. Howard said he wondered what the fuck it was. Gary said JD just told him that it's very popular in the strip clubs too.
Howard said he was on this YouPorn and they have tons of free stuff on there. He said he's not sure why anyone would want to buy porn anymore. Howard said they say that you can't enter unless you're over 18 but he would have loved that when he was 12.
Howard said he had his pants down and he wanted to turn the light out in the bathroom. He said his belt buckle was banging on the floor and scratching it. He said he was up and down and his naked ass was on this chair. He said he finally sat down with the iPad and pressed the little button so he could watch the video. Howard said he was about to finish but wanted to wait for her to fuck the guy in the video. Howard said he was finally fucking her from behind and she's screaming about how big he is and then he's done.
Howard said he was so amazed by how much stuff is out there for free. He said it has to kill the entire porn industry. Robin asked why people would keep doing it for free. Howard said he's not sure. He said that there's enough out there for him for the next 50 years. Gary said he has more free sites he could check out. He said there's ''Submit Your Flicks'' that he knew about. Howard told Gary not to write that down for him or anything.
Howard asked Steve if he goes on the porn sties. Steve said he doesn't have time. Steve said he was busy this weekend. He was busy with Gary out in California. He had a horrible cold too. Howard asked if he doesn't watch porn because he's religious or something. Steve said he's just too busy.
Howard asked Jon Hein about not jerking off. Jon still doesn't do it. Howard took a call from a guy who said it's funny that he's just discovering YouPorn now with all of the guys they have on the show who must look at it.
Howard had some of the audio of Steve asking Gary about what had just happened. Gary was saying it was like an ambush. Howard said it's really not an ambush. Gary could have said no. Gary said that he was there to do an interview and he thought he could do better than he did but he really didn't want to do the pitch. Howard said that it wasn't an ambush. Robin said it wasn't an ambush because he could have said no.
Gary asked why Jimmy doesn't fuck with Harrison Ford. Howard said that Jimmy didn't think he was fucking with him. He said that Gary ambushed himself so that's really what's going on.
Howard and Robin were arguing with Gary but Gary knew he couldn't win the argument. He said that Howard is right and that's that. Robin told Gary to just be mad at Jimmy for laughing at him. Gary said that's a big part of it.
Howard went through the same discussions they had first thing this morning. He went over how he'd never do anything that he didn't want to do and all of that. Robin was talking about things that upset her too and that led to Fred playing a clip of Robin singing one of Stuttering John's songs on an isolated mic. That was one of the things that she didn't want to do.
Howard told Gary he could have said no. Gary said he's just going to go with what Howard says. He was done arguing.
Steve got back to his news preview and said they have more about Gary's book signing's out there in L.A. Nancy Sinatra and her daughter showed up with a bottle of expensive wine for Gary. Gary said that one guy in a wheelchair came to the book signing and told him that the show is the only thing that's kept him going after he had an accident 27 years ago. He thought that was very touching.
Steve said tonight they're playing Gary's book signing special on Howard 101 at 7. He also got in a plug for Greg Fitzsimmons' show that's on at midnight.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stuff they'd be covering today on the show. Howard went to break after that.
Robin started off with a story about Steve Perry wanting to get back into the band Journey. Howard said you'd think he'd want to be in the band all along but he was outsourced to the Philippines. Robin read about what the band did with the Philippino guy they found and how much he sounded like Joe Perry. Robin wondered what they should do. Howard said he's wondering why there's any demand for Journey. Howard said Perry was a real jack off to him back in Detroit when he was there. He hopes they stick with the Philippino guy.
Robin read about Steve Nash and his wife announcing their split just a day after their child was born. Howard said at least he waited until the kid was born. He said some guys leave during the pregnancy.
Robin read about the start of Sarah Palin's new reality TV show. She had some details of what was on the first episode.
Robin read a story about how China is now limiting the number of dogs that people can have. Their citizens are only allowed one dog. Howard said those people live like shit over there. He said communism is the worst. Robin read the details about their new law. Howard said they won't even let them have the internet over there. He said it would be a revolution over there if they let them see what's going on around the world.
Robin read about a board member of a gay and lesbian group who found a way to marry in Dallas even though gay marriage isn't recognized. They got married via Skype by someone in Washington DC. Howard said it's so ridiculous that they can't just get married. He said everyone should be allowed to marry.
Robin said that they're looking to get people to Mars and they're saying that it could be a one way trip. Robin said it could happen much sooner if it was a one way trip. Howard said there's nothing there though. Robin said that it's a 6 month trip. They thinks that they should ship off a couple of people at a time and send supply ships after the initial ship. Howard said he can't even get his remote control to work in his apartment. He said there's no way he's going to Mars to work in a man made environment. Howard said he wanted to throw his shoe through his TV when his remote ''wand'' wouldn't work.
Robin read about a meeting that was going on about exorcisms. Robin said that they're trying to cut down on them by figuring out what it is that shows demonic possession. Howard said he's been known to levitate and vomit long distance.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what they thought of the movie ''Stone.'' Robin said she loved it. Howard hadn't seen it yet. Howard said he just saw the most recent Resident Evil and he hated it. He said he does think that Mila Jovovich is hot. Howard said he hadn't even heard of that movie ''Stone.'' Howard said he watched an Edward Norton movie and liked that. He said it was ''Nice Guy Johnny'' and it was kind of cute and romantic. Howard said he watched some other bullshit too. Robin said she heard that ''Megamind'' was awful but it's still making tons of money.
Robin read about John Waters new book and read some of the details in that and had some audio of him talking about how he's inspired by one of Charles Manson's followers, Leslie Van Houten. Robin had a bunch of clips of Waters talking about some of the stuff in his book.
Robin read about Charles Rangle and how he's up on ethics charges in court today. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. They went to break after that.
After the break Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy and had some audio of John McCain's wife commenting on that in a PSA.
Robin read about how people bring their own bags to grocery stores. Robin and Howard goofed on people who do that for a minute. Robin said that Chuck Schumer is saying that some of those bags could be bad for you. She had some audio of Schumer talking about how some of those bags are made in China and they may contain lead.
Robin read a story about how people who read to their kids as early as right after birth could help with the kids learning skills.
Robin read a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor being rushed to a hospital with a massive blood clot. Howard said she used to be hot. Robin said her leg was swollen and she had an infection in the other leg. Howard remembered a movie she was in called ''Mars Needs Men'' and it was pretty cool. Howard said he remembers how hot she was back then. Now she's got legs like Benjy. Howard said Benjy's legs are swollen too.
Robin read about Dancing with the Stars and how it's the semi-finals night. She mentioned who was left on the show. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard later found out that it wasn't Mars that needed men, it was Venus.
Robin read a story about a study that was done about cutting out sodium intake in teen years so they can cut down on problems later in life.
Robin read about The Simpson's getting picked up for a 23rd season. Howard said he's managed to miss all 23 seasons so far. He said he has tried to watch but he hates it. He said that's amazing that they've been around that long. Robin said that Howard must be out of step with everyone else. Robin said she has seen some short clips but she doesn't last a whole half hour.
Robin read about the release of Aung San Suu Kyi and had some audio of Bono from U2 talking about that. Howard said he doesn't follow that kind of stuff. Robin said he's more interested in Lindsay Lohan and Demi Lovato.
Robin read about the new movie with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal called ''Love And Other Drugs'' and had some audio of Anne talking about the movie.
Robin also had a story about how Daniel Radcliff cried after the end of the shooting of Harry Potter. Howard said that's it for him and no one is going to cast him in anything else. Robin said that Emma Watson is still trying to deal with the end of that too. Fred threw in some crying clips while they were talking about that.
Robin read about Paul Giamatti joining the cast of The Hangover 2. Robin said they saw Bill Clinton on the set too so he may be in the movie. Robin wrapped up and they ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said he's been thinking that he's going to keep going but today it didn't sound that way. He said that it sounds like he's trying to get something going but he's not guaranteeing anything.
Jon went through some of the stuff he wanted to cover on today's show and wanted to start off with the Kevin Metheney story. Gary said Kevin was only there for about another 3 weeks when he started working for Howard. He didn't get to see all of the stuff that led to the explosion but he did see the aftermath.
Jon also brought up Howard's problems with the bathroom when he was trying to masturbate with the iPad. Benjy said it must be tough to jerk off with one hand and hold the iPad. Gary said it can be done. He said that's what he's heard anyway.
Jon asked Gary about his Kimmel appearance and got into that next. He said that Kimmel does stuff like that on the show. Gary said that he and Jon talked about this off the air. Gary said that they did sort of lie to him. He said they told him that the segment was going to be 6 minutes long and it went longer than that when he brought up the pitch thing.
Gary asked Jon what he thinks the reception would have been if he had said no. Jon said he probably would have been a pussy if he didn't throw. Jon said he thinks Gary was just trying to be a good guest by participating. Gary thought he could make the throw or else he wouldn't have done it. Gary said he doesn't know what he can do anymore. He said he doesn't even know what to say.
Jon said that Gary is going to lob everything underhand now when he throws a ball. Jon said that JD was upset with Kimmel too. JD said he wasn't thrilled with the way they did it. He said he thought it was a shitty sort of thing to do. JD said if Jimmy wanted to be a friend he wouldn't have surprised him.
Jon said he didn't think Jimmy was trying to embarrass Gary. Gary said he's not sure about that. He said he doesn't hate Jimmy or anything but he is upset about the whole thing. Gary asked why he has to be the village idiot and why do they have to fuck with him and not other guests. Jon asked if they'd set up a bit for someone else who did something similar to him. Gary said he'd think about it but that's up to Howard in the end. He said it's not a bad idea but he wondered why they had to take his moment away from him when he's got so much else going on.
Gary said that he had 8 seconds to figure out what to do that day. He said he can't make a decision like that. Gary said that doing this other stuff is all kind of new to him. Gary said if he had known what was going to happen, he would have rolled the ball to Jimmy.
Jon asked Benjy what he would have done. Benjy said if he means to much to Gary then he could have made a joke out of it and ran out of the studio or eaten the ball or something. Gary said he couldn't think about that in 8 seconds. Jon said he did do it again and again though. He kept throwing the pitches. He asked if it ruined his weekend. Gary said it really did.
Gary said that he and his agent went out to dinner after that and he had a scotch and some beer. He said that they were all talking about what happened. Then he went to his hotel and went to bed but he wasn't able to sleep. He said he was running it through his head the whole night and he wasn't able to sleep. He said he had a tightness in his chest. He said he finally fell asleep around midnight but then he was up at 3 in the morning again. He said he got up and looked at his email and Ross had emailed him before he had seen it. He said he talked to him and then to his wife and then went back to bed. He said he got another couple of hours of sleep.
Jon asked why it's such a big deal to him. Gary said he's not sure. Benjy asked how he decided which girl to hit in the audience. Gary said that's really funny. Benjy also asked if they really kicked Langford out of the studio. He said his agent did that. Gary said the producers came in and tried to calm him down. He said that he wasn't mad but he was bummed out. Gary said he never did hear from Jimmy about it. He said he was kind of surprised by that and that he had emailed Howard about it.
Gary said he got a note from Jason about it and he was feeling bad about what he said. JD and Jon said that Jason was actually dancing around the office after that. He was happy he wasn't the worst pitcher in the office anymore.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves the show. He said that the ball had a magnet in it so that's why it went off to the side. Gary said he actually got the ball and checked it out. He said that they let him keep it and he brought it home so maybe he'll be able to crush it some day or something like that.
Gary said he's been psyched about how the book sales have been going but he doesn't think it's too much. Jason came in and said that he came in on Friday and saw the appearance. He said he wasn't in a great mood but he sat down and someone from the back office told him about the clip and it was so funny to him. He said he couldn't believe that he did it 3 times. Jason said he wasn't trying to pile onto him or anything.
Jon said that Sal was piling on. Jason said they were all piling on in a way. He said he just couldn't believe what he saw. Jason said that JD wasn't so stoic back there either. He said JD was asking if everyone had seen it.
Gary said that Jillian Barberie, Jeff Probst and Mark McGrath are all very good friends and Jeff wrote him a note about how he thought Howard wasn't happy for him after he did Letterman. Jim McClure said that Jeff was saying that he didn't think Howard was happy with Gary's success. Jon said he thinks Howard is happy about his success but he likes goofing on it too. Gary said that he got high marks from the Letterman appearance other than screwing up that Baba Booey story.
A caller asked Gary if he would have been happy if the pitch had gone well. Gary said he doesn't think so. He said he has chosen not to go back out and pitch again even though he's had offers. He said that he didn't want to risk it.
The caller said he thought that Gary felt he could do it and he was rooting for him to be able to do it. He said it looked like he was about to puke at the end of the segment. Gary said that's about the way he felt. The guys also said he threw that mitt at Jimmy pretty good.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he was nervous for Gary. He said that he thought they were talking about the pitch last week and he said that they'd be a bad producer if they didn't bring up the pitch on the show. Gary said that's different than having him try to pitch on the show. Gary said that they put him on the spot and had him trying to throw when he didn't expect it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he felt horrible for Gary. Gary said it was really tough. The caller said that Gary looked like he was going to pass out at the end of the show. He felt really bad for him. Gary thanked him for that.
Another caller said he wishes that Artie was on the show to bust on Gary today. He said that he also noticed that Gary's wife didn't say he was good looking in that email to him. Gary said that no one has ever said he was good looking so that's not a surprise. He said that email made him feel so much better though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that everyone is missing how Gary threw the ball so easy without any nervousness that it was obvious that he had some experience playing ball. The caller said he also thinks that they missed an opportunity when a caller called Howard out about harassing Gary. He said that Howard didn't even understand the point. He said that he has chewed into Gary for his entire career. Gary said he thinks Howard understood the call but he didn't agree with it. The caller said that he thinks they should have picked up on that. Jon asked what the staff should have done. The guy said that Howard got off Scott free about what he's been doing all these years.
Another caller said he was at Kimmel and he saw the girl who got hit in the head. He said they had a medic team there. Gary said he's not sure about that but he has heard that the girl is a model and everyone on the staff has gotten her Facebook page so she could end up on the show by Wednesday.
Another caller said he was at Kimmel too and he saw the medic team come out. He said that Gary kind of blew him off at his signing. Gary said he's sorry if he didn't look at him. The guy said that he was interviewing him so that might be why. Gary said he was sorry about that.
Jason asked Gary if he ever thought about having the Kimmel bit pulled. Gary said he could have done that but Langford was there and saw what happened. He said he couldn't have pulled it.
Sal came in so Jon asked him about how bad he felt for Gary. Sal was laughing. Gary said he knows that Sal sent out an email saying he could throw better than him. Sal said that he really did feel bad for Gary but he did laugh his ass off too. He said Jimmy sandbagged Gary for sure. He said t was like the guy shit on Gary's face.
Gary said that someone sent him a note saying that he had killed on Kimmel and it was way better than Harrison Ford.
Jon asked Sal if Gary could have said no. Sal said that he couldn't have said no. He said a few years ago he was supposed to skull fuck a guy and Gary bashed him for backing out of that. He said all Gary did wrong was throw like a girl. Gary asked what would have happened if he had rolled the ball to Jimmy. Jon said that Howard probably would have said he was a pussy. Gary said he should have wound up, and then dropped the ball on the stage.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she loves Gary and he deserves all of his success. She said she thinks that Howard and Jimmy set him up to knock him down a peg. She said that Jimmy wouldn't have done this without Howard. She said that she watched very nuance of the bit and she thinks Howard had something to do with it. The guys and the caller went back and forth on that for a couple of minutes.
Jason said he doesn't think that ''ambush'' is the right word for what happened. Gary said he's friends with one of the co-producers there and she was saying that if they had known he didn't want to talk about it then they wouldn't have done it. Gary said he's willing to talk about it but not throw a pitch. He said it's very surreal to be on the back end of a producer's spin. He said he's had to do that himself. Gary said he's there to clean up the mess.
Jason said he has been places where Gary has been ambushed. He said that they hired Gary to do an appearance once and right before they did it they told him to put on a pink bikini and a thong. He had no idea that was coming so that was an ambush. Gary said that this pitch thing was an ambush too. Sal agreed. He said it was a dick move but it was brilliant. Sal said it was great for TV.
Jon asked Sal if he really thinks that he can pitch better than Gary. Sal said he really doesn't. He said he's not good at sports at all, he's just horrible.
Jason asked if Jimmy is going to continue the bit tonight on his show. Gary said he hopes not. He said that it would be best if they didn't. Sal said they could do some great bits with that whole thing. They could have things that throw better than Gary and have an orangutan there with a ball and things like that.
Sal asked Gary if he would commend Jimmy if he did that with someone like Chris Rock. Gary said he probably would if he hadn't gone through it himself. He said he used to ask Chris why he couldn't get over his bad opening pitch.
Gary said that he goes on YouTube and puts in his name for the pitch and some of them only have like a 90,000 views. Then there's one that's 667,000 views. He said there's another one that has 302,000 views. Gary said that's over a million views all together. He said he could kill someone in Times Square, put it on YouTube, and not get that many views.
Ralph called in and said that Kimmel was tragic... but it was the white socks he was talking about. Gary said he forgot his dark socks and that's all he had. Ralph said that guys shouldn't wear white socks like that.
Ralph said that Jimmy was just doing a show and he could have thrown like a man or thrown like he did. He said it was funny. Gary said he gets why he thinks it's funny but it's meaningless to him. Gary said it's not meaningless to him. Ralph said it goes both ways and Gary has wondered why he gets upset about stuff too.
Gary said that Robin is going to be on the show next week and he won't be goofing on her about anything. Gary said that he won't do a bit about Robin not finishing the marathon since there's a rumor out there that she didn't. Ralph said he would love it if he did that. Ralph said that Robin is also a different personality. Gary said he's probably right and Jimmy doesn't have the same respect level for him as he does for someone like Robin.
Gary said that Jimmy did tell Howard once that he was one of the best producers on the planet. He said that means a lot but not enough for him not to goof on him.
Sal said that Gary isn't calling Kimmel a dick and he's begin a much better sport than most people would. He said that Gary could be saying that Jimmy is an idiot and a hack but he's just saying that he's disappointed. He said that he's not sure he'd handle it the same way Gary is. Sal said he'd probably piss in Jimmy's drawers after the show was over.
Ralph said he knows Gary and he feels bad for him for being so upset. He doesn't think he should be so upset. He said that it was fucking hilarious that he threw the ball so bad three times.
Gary said that most of the people who don't think it's a big deal probably can't make the throw either. Ralph said he could probably do it. He said he would do it at Citi Field too. Jason said that's because Ralph doesn't care how he does.
Gary said that he wrote a line in his book about how many things people think you can't do when you can't throw a pitch. He said that's so true. Ralph said that Gary got really upset about him calling him after he got squirted on by the girl on the show that time. Gary said he was only upset about that because he was worried that he was going to get Hep C or something. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary what he thought of Jay-Z talking about his form of therapy being his songs. He said he didn't really need a therapist. Gary said that's kind of surprising. He said that you don't figure out you need therapy until later on. He said maybe the music is enough for him.
Jason said he was very excited to have him up there today because he likes some of his music. Jon brought up some of the other stuff they talked about today and Jason said that it didn't bother him when he said he was a poet like it does with other people. He also doesn't believe that 99 Problems is about a dog. He said that's such a cop out. He said even if that's what was in his mind at the time, that's not what people get from the song.
Jon played a clip of Jay-Z talking about what ''99 Problems'' meant and how it was about a canine. He said that it wasn't about a woman.
Gary said that he was looking at the lyrics and it does look like it's about the cops and about a canine. Jason said he also talks about a woman in the lyrics so he doesn't believe it was about a dog. They spent a minute talking about that and wondered why it was so controversial.
Jon took a call from a guy who wondered why it matters to Gary so much if he can throw a ball because it's not that important. Gary said it really isn't now. He said he's defeated. The caller said that he can throw a ball and it kind of made him sad today hearing him talking about how hurt he was. Jon said if you play sports growing up then it's part of your masculine identity. The caller said that Gary surpasses that by so much though. He said he's like an icon.
Jason asked Gary what other things people think he can't do when he can't throw a ball. Jason said he has been told he throws like a girl his whole life so he wonders if Gary looks at him like that. Gary said he might look at Jason and think that his sports opinions count less. He said he doesn't think about it when it comes to music discussions or something like that.
Gary said that he doesn't think that Jason is bothered by not being able to play ball. Jason said throwing isn't going to make him feel any better.
Jon asked Jason if he was picked last for teams in gym class. Jason said of course he was. He said that happened all the time.
Jon said that Sal doesn't seem to be bothered by it too much. Sal said it's not much. He said he has been able to turn it into funny stuff. He said that he was so bad that teams would refuse to pick him at all. He said the gym teacher would make him the captain so he would be on a team.
Jason told some stories about how bad he was at playing ball. Will Murray came in and said that Jason went on antidepressant's because he dropped the game winning touchdown during the transsexual football game. Jason said it was more than that but that was the last straw. He said he knew the ball was coming and it was right there. He felt it hit his hands and bounce off and they lost to the trannies. He said he made an appointment the next day. Jon jokingly said ''God you're a pussy...'' and then had to end the show.
Howard started the show talking about how many shows they had left. It's down to 14 shows. Robin said she counted yesterday and she thinks she's right about that. She said it should be 13 after today. Howard said he'll be hanging out at Charlie Rangle's house in the Dominican Republic after this.
Howard said Billy Joel is coming in today and they have a baby grand in there for him to play. Howard said you have to have someone to play it if you own one though. Robin said that a grand piano can be as big as 8 feet long.
Howard wondered if Billy hates that he has to play it sometimes. Howard said that's the way Bobby Fisher was when he played chess. He was so good at it that he hated playing. Howard said he'll have to ask Billy about it and if he can't get out of it what he wants and things like that. Howard told Will to put that in his notes. He said he's been writing down notes all night for Billy.
Robin said there are so many ways to arrange music that you'd think that it's finite. Howard said you'd think that with chess too but it got boring to Bobby Fisher. Robin said that Billy must have gotten bored with rock and roll since he plays classical. Howard told Will to write down a few more questions he had come up with during that discussion.
Howard said he sees the piano as kind of liberating and confining at the same time. Robin said that you can move with other instruments and you have to sit at the piano and not move. Howard said he's seen Billy do a concert and there are times that he gets up and moves away from the piano. He said he wants to know if Billy knows how to fix a piano too. He told Will to write that down.
Howard and Robin were coming up with more and more questions for Billy. They were wondering why he doesn't build pianos instead of motorcycles and boats. Robin said he probably wants to get away from that stuff.
Howard said people ask him why he doesn't build a radio studio of his own. Howard said it turns out they have a lot of studios around the city that are empty. He said that Viacom owns one that's just sitting empty. He said it's kind of crazy that no one is using them.
Howard said he loves Billy and his music. He wanted to ask him to play a bunch of songs and he was trying to narrow it down to 5 or 6 songs but his catalog is so mind blowing.
Howard said he spends his day interviewing the guy in his head. He said it drives him insane. Robin said that's why he has to do another interview. Howard said that's what his psychiatrist told him too. Howard said he constantly beats himself up about that stuff though. He wasn't able to sleep over it last night. Robin said that's what he has to find out about at the psychiatrist. He said he's not supposed to bring that stuff up but he has to talk about it. Howard said it's all so complicated that he doesn't know what to say. He said he shouldn't talk about it.
Howard said he walked into the building today and there was some kind of party there last night. It turns out Bruce Springsteen was there last night. Howard said he did a 2 hour Q and A last night. Howard said he wanted to know how they get him in there. Howard said he saw that Jimmy Fallon gets him for an hour. Robin said they must have some kind of friendship.
Howard said he knows Billy so that's how he's getting him on the show. He said they've both been to each other's homes. Howard said he has never asked Billy to do an interview. He said it was Billy's idea. He said he called in to promote that thing at Shea and he may have liked the interview they did with Alexa.
Robin said Billy was actually on the show but didn't play the piano. Howard said he doesn't think he's been in. He said Robin could be right though.
Howard said he went out to dinner with Beth last night. He said they went to a nice restaurant and had a glass of wine. He said it was only 5:20 when they got there and they were still setting up for dinner. Howard said he joked about being there for the early bird special and that's what happens when you get up at 4 in the morning.
Howard said they got home and they watched this show called ''Rock Star Wives'' and it was great. He told Robin she has to watch the show. Howard said they have Perry Ferrall's wife on the show. He said that it was Perry and his wife and some dude starts making out with her. Perry tells her to calm down because he had just lost his wife. Howard said Perry wasn't even mad at his friend. He thought that was kind of cool.
Howard said Duff from Guns N Roses was on the show with his wife too. He said his wife is really hot. Howard said there's a guy from The Cult with his wife and another guy who is a guitar player. He said his wife has big, fake tits and she walks around with just about no clothes on. Howard said she's something to watch and he'd watch her all day long. He said she's fucking nuts. Howard said the name of the show is actually ''Married to Rock.'' Someone must have corrected him.
Howard asked Steve Brandano where he found this clip. Gary told him that if you put in ''Argentine strip dance'' you should find it (on DailyMotion.com). Howard said it was a great clip.
Howard said there's a weird thing going on with PBS. They give away the Mark Twain award and Tina Fey won one for writing. He said that Tina gave a great speech and PBS cut the whole speech out. He said no one can figure out why either. Howard said PBS claims the show ran long so they had to cut it out.
Howard played an unedited clip of Tina accepting her award and it was really funny. She was goofing on Sarah Palin and the things she represents. Howard then played her speech from PBS. They cut out all of the jokes and just had her thanking Sarah Palin. It missed the entire point of what she was saying. Howard said PBS swears there was no political agenda there.
Howard said that things are getting weird on TV. He had a clip from ''Days of Our Lives'' where they talk about Cheerios and do a product placement on a soap opera. Howard said it's not a small commercial either. He said it goes on and on. Then they talk about Chex Mix. He played those clips and they were doing commercials for all of these products.
Howard said his wife loves that Chex Mix stuff. He said she just about lives on that stuff. Howard said he can't eat it like she can. Howard said he has to watch everything he eats. Howard said Robin just ran 26 miles and she should have had the body of Kate Moss after that. He said it just doesn't happen that easy.
Howard said that there's now a link to the Argentinean video on HowardStern.com
Howard played another clip from a soap where they talk about Midol during a scene. Howard said that's the future of TV. He said people don't sit through commercials anymore so they're going to put them right into the shows. Robin said that might turn her off to TV shows if they do that. Howard said they must have a bunch of disclaimers for something like Midol. Robin said that's over the counter stuff so she's not sure about that.
Howard said it must really fuck with the actor's head when they have to do commercials in the middle of the show. Howard said they should do that with Gary's book and have them talking about that. He said they could talk about his lists in the show. Gary said that's what Howard did on the Larry Sanders Show. Howard said he did that. He promoted his book on that show. Howard said Gary should pitch that to NBC and promote his book on a bunch of shows.
Howard asked what's at the club. Gary said it's not a strip club. He said it's just a club you go to. He said that they do have hot chicks there but it's not a strip club. Howard said that Bubba is like the mayor of Tampa down there. Gary said the name of the club is ''The Scene.''
Howard said Tim is down there like every weekend. He said he has to go down and keep their relationship with the talent good. Howard said Tim sees him for like 3 minutes a day but with Bubba he goes out and hangs out with him.
Gary said he's looking at the pictures from the club and the girls are in black leather minis and they have huge tits. Howard asked how Bubba isn't fucking these chicks. He said he has to be very tempted by everything. Howard asked if he hand picks the girls himself. Gary said it looks that way.
Howard checked out the girls and he asked if they're really from the club. Gary said he thinks they are. Howard said he must be tagging some of them. Robin said maybe they're swinging with the waitresses. Howard said they look like professional model types. He said they all have the biggest titties. Howard asked if they were wearing ''Boot-is-ay'' as Gary would say. Howard goofed on Gary about that MTV audition tape they have of him. Gary said he saw Justine Bateman at an award show recently and he doesn't want her anymore. Howard goofed on Gary about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard said he sent a note to Gary about the Jimmy Kimmel thing and how he has to calm down. Gary said it was a very nice note. Howard said Gary is always playing the victim part. He said he has to stop that.
Howard said that the Wrap Up Show was pissing him off yesterday. He said that they were talking about how Jeff Probst thought that he wasn't happy for Gary after his Letterman appearance. Howard said that's not how he felt after he did Letterman. Howard said he was very complimentary abut he did give him some advice about telling the Baba Booey story. He said he has to slow down because he got it wrong. Howard said he's happy that Gary has some success. Howard said Gary is caught between two worlds. He said on one hand he wants to be like Gellman or Morty or Rob Burnett. He said those guys are more than what Gary is. Howard said they're behind the scenes guys. Gary is on the air. Howard said he plays a function on the show and he's like a character on the show. Howard said he's part of the mix, he's ''Baba Booey.''
Howard said that those other guys aren't writing books because they're behind the scenes guys. That Gellman guy is on camera once in a while but not like Gary.
Howard said Gary should just go with it and stop working about how he did on that show. He said he did fine and it was funny.
Howard said Gary used to goof on Jason and Sal about how they throw and meanwhile he can't throw either. Howard said even he can throw a ball himself. Howard said Gary is a coach to a bunch of kids at his kid's school. Howard said Gary should be the sports expert. He said he should be the coach at the Special Olympics or something.
Howard said Gary is so tied up with the whole thing. He said he should just let it go. Howard told Gary to just let it go. Gary said he's working on it. He said he's better today than he was yesterday.
Howard said he heard that Gary almost asked Jimmy not to bring up the pitch. He said that Gary was almost prepared for it. Gary said he wasn't prepared though. Howard said he thought about the scenario. Gary said he really didn't. He told Howard about how he saw the clock that was counting up there while he was on the set and he thought he was done with his segment when they surprised him with that pitch thing.
Robin said that Jimmy is what Gary is trying to be. Jimmy was throwing the ball back to Gary and it went right to him. He said that Jimmy didn't even think about it for one second. Howard said Jimmy did give him his home phone number so they can wake him up if they need to.
Howard had a clip of some sports guys talking about Gary's pitches on Jimmy Kimmel's show. They were saying it looked like Gary didn't look like he had ever picked up a baseball at Citi Field last year. They talked about Gary's pitches and how he hit one woman in the head.
Howard said that woman that got hit in the head was on The Bachelor. Howard said she's a hot piece of ass. Howard said that Gia from the latest season of The Bachelor was also sitting there and she almost got beaned. Howard said Gary hit some hot girls.
JD told Howard that on Sports Nation they debated about Gary's pitches. Howard played that clip next. They were talking about Gary's pitches and compared them to this hail Mary pass in a football game.
Howard asked if Gary is coming to grips with that now. Gary said he is, kind of. Gary told Howard about going on Jimmy Fallon and on Rachel Ray's show. Howard asked if he'll pitch on Fallon's show. Gary said he will not. Howard said that's some book promotion he's doing. Gary said he's doing 19 book signing's. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that the Van Halen's were great and there must have been a point when they weren't good. Howard and Fred talked about how great Eddie is and how he didn't even take any lessons. Howard said David Lee Roth was like a god back then too. Howard said his image went completely out the window. He said it might be the hair. He said when he had that long mane of hair it was hot to women but he lost it. Robin said he became a character somewhere along the line.
Howard mentioned they still have the Baba Booey Audio Book Challenge going on.
Howard said he'll have an announcement to make at 7:45 this morning. He said they still don't have a deal but he will be making an announcement about something else soon.
Howard said that Billy Joel will be in this morning and they have a Baby Grand in there. Gary said they sent over someone to tune the piano last night and then again this morning. Howard asked if he could play it. Gary wasn't sure if that was a good idea.
Howard went over to the piano and tried playing it. His mic wasn't working so Scott had to come in and fix that. Howard didn't sound very good according to Robin. Howard had to be right on the mic to be heard. Howard said he could make magic with the piano. He said he can play ''Twilight Zone.'' He played some of that for the guys. He can actually play some of that. Howard said he was going to play something called ''Louie, Louie'' for them too. He did a little bit of that. Howard then played some ''Hang On Sloopy'' which sounded the same as ''Louie, Louie.''
Howard said his mother used to ask what Sloopy was. He said that she'd tell him that it was enough of that. He then played a little bit of ''House of the Rising Sun'' for Robin. He was getting laughs from Robin and the guys. He didn't remember all of the lyrics but he was kind of playing the piano. Howard said that gives you an appreciation for what Billy does. He said those keys are intimidating. Howard said he sounds great on this Steinway he's playing. Howard then decided to leave the piano alone.
Howard told the guys not to tell Billy he played the piano. Howard said there's nothing like jamming and creating music. Robin said it seems like so much fun when he does it. She said that it must be nice to walk over to the piano to entertain his family.
Howard asked Lisa about the piano tuner who was in there. She said that he's 28 and he has perfect pitch. She said that he was in there tuning the piano and she interviewed him while he was there. Howard said he did a good job with it because he sounded great playing.
Lisa said they have an update on Jimmy Kimmel's producers and they're declining to comment on his appearance. Lisa said they heard from a fan who saw an awkward moment between Gary and Jimmy during the commercial break. He doesn't know what was said though. Gary said Jimmy asked if he wanted to go out and he said he was busy. Lisa said they're also re-airing Gary's appearance this Friday night.
Lisa said that Robin will be on Kimmel this Thursday night. Howard told Robin she should throw a pitch. Robin said she should do that. Robin said she wants her appearance to be as good as Gary's. Robin said she can't throw a ball 60 feet if her life depended on it.
Lisa said that they're giving away some tickets to Kimmel's show for Robin's appearance through Robin's charity. Lisa said they also spoke to the DJ's who produced the song that Howard played yesterday ''We Speak No Americano.''
The caller, Javier, said that he cataloged all of Eric's appearances in order. He said he put them all on a playlist. Javier said that it's all like a big saga and almost like a story. He loves all of that stuff.
Howard asked Javier if he thinks that Eric was more well behaved when he first called in on K-Rock. Javier said he hasn't heard a lot of the K-rock stuff since most of the clips are from the Sirius years. Howard asked if he knows how he called the show for the first time. Javier said he knows why he called in.
Javier said that he wants to know more about Eric and he can't wait for him to call in again. He said this happens like once a year and then Eric will call in again eventually.
Javier said he's following him on Facebook and he may be breaking down already. He said that Eric says that if certain conditions are met he may call in again. He said that only the people in the studio can goof on him. He doesn't want Gary goofing on him.
Howard said he had to ban Eric from the show because of the way he screwed them over with the IQ test. Howard said he would have destroyed the entire bit if they let him find out his score. Howard said he was treating Eric well on the show. Howard said that he's really furious with Eric. He said that if you make a deal with someone and they go to the expense of getting the test done then you expert them to stick to it. Howard said he's not going to back down from that. Javier said he gets that. He said that Eric makes up excuses and that's one of the fascinating things about him.
Javier said that he loves the time when he ordered Johnny to do a hit on that guy. He said he loved when he said he was ''club fucking footed, you asswipe.'' Things like that.
Howard asked what Javier does for a living. He said that he's an attorney. Howard said he was going to ask him a series of questions about Eric and if he gets 50 percent right he'll give him $711 cash.
Howard asked Javier the following:
Howard said that Javier really is an expert. Robin said that anyone else who wants to challenge him should call in.
Howard took a call from another guy and accidentally hung up on Javier. The caller said he knew when Eric became an asshole. He told Howard when that was.
Howard got Javier back on the line and said he wanted to say goodbye to him. He ended up talking to him about how he falls asleep to Eric the Midget audio clips every night. Howard said he thinks that would be a reason to break up for some women. Javier said he doesn't have a girlfriend right now so he doesn't know.
Howard asked Javier if he's in a dating slump. Javier said he went through some depression and panic attacks and he didn't seek help for a long time. He said he finally did and he's getting his life back together. He said he'll get to the dating thing again.
Howard asked Javier about his depression and if he wanted to hurt himself. Javier said he never got to that point. He said his family was always there for him. He said he stopped calling his friends and he just didn't want to do anything. He said he would just shut his door and not want to do anything. Howard asked a few questions about that and Javier said he didn't seek help and now he has and things are getting better.
Howard and Javier shared some more of their favorite Eric moments. Howard said he could talk about Eric all day long. He told Javier that he had just won $711 from 7-Eleven. He thanked him for calling in and let him go a short time later. Robin said she didn't know that there were such fans out there. Howard said there sure are. He said that if anyone out there think that they're bigger fans then call into the show. Fred played a bunch of edited Eric clips.
Howard said his daughter just BBM'd him about getting Paul's autograph. He said he's going to have to take her to this concert. He said she'll go out of her mind over that. Howard said he had to go to break since Billy Joel was there. Howard and the guys spent a minute talking about the concert and how exclusive it's going to be. They only have a little over 1000 seats at the Apollo so it's going to be a small show.
Howard said he was fantasizing about what he wanted Billy to play today and it's almost impossible to pick just a couple. Gary said Billy is pretty low key for a guy of his stature. Howard said he's taught him well. Gary said his entourage is very small. Robin said she's seen him out at a sidewalk cafe in Manhattan. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that before going to break.
Howard came back and said he recorded that song for Billy. He said that he told Billy his piano is perfectly tuned. He tested it out this morning by playing ''Twilight Zone.''
Howard said that he was up half the night thinking about what he waned to talk to him about. He said he was reading in the paper that someone wrote a book about Billy and he says that ''Uptown Girl'' isn't about Christie Brinkley. Billy said that story has been around since that song came out. He said he was actually dating Elle McPherson around that time. He said that he couldn't believe that he was in this situation where he was dating this woman. He said that Christie, Elle and Whitney Houston were all there for him. Howard said that's not the kind of girls that he got to meet when he was growing up out on Long Island. Billy said that's true.
Howard asked Billy if he ever went out and performed at school since he had this talent. Billy said he was more of a wallflower until he joined a band. He said that's when people knew what he was doing. Howard asked Billy about why he left the band and how he knew to do that. Billy said he still feels like he's in a band. He said when he plays live it's like a band effort.
Howard said he thinks that Billy is a solo act now and that's why he stopped writing new music. Howard said he thinks that he didn't want to keep doing the impossible by coming up with new albums. He said that would drive him crazy. Billy said that's not what happened.
Billy got back to the Uptown Girl thing. He said he wasn't even dating Christie at the time. He said that he started writing the lyric and it was written like a classical piece. He played some of that on the piano in a classical way. Howard said Billy hears the music first but with only one other song he came up with the lyrics first. That song was ''We Didn't Start The Fire.'' Howard said he heard that he hates the song. Billy said he doesn't hate it. He said that he still performs it in concert. He said sometimes he has to go to the audience and see them mouthing the words.
They got back to the ''Uptown Girl'' song thing and Billy talked about how he and Elle dated for a while back then. She was only 19 at the time. Howard said at that age he would probably finish as soon as he saw her nude in bed. Howard said the pressure must be on. Billy said he doesn't kiss and tell so he's not going there. Howard said it must have been tough to leave her too. Billy said he didn't leave her. He said she went off to Europe. Billy said that he met Christie around that time and then he finished that ''Uptown Girl'' song and it was about her. Howard said that story in the book is wrong then. Billy said he thinks that Christie knows the story behind the song. He said he did start writing it when he was with Elle but he finished it for Christie.
Howard asked Billy to play a little bit of ''Uptown Girl'' but Billy said he wasn't sure he could hit the key. He had to drop it a little bit. He said it was too early in the morning for that song. He sang some of another song and that led to Howard talking about ''Just The Way You Are.''' Howard said he has a theory about why he wrote that song. Howard asked Billy if he would go nuts if he couldn't sing. Billy said he wanted to be a song writer and not sing. He said he's really not that good of a singer. He said they make him sound good in a studio.
Howard asked Billy if he's close to other rock and roll guys. Billy said they're friends but they don't sit down and talk about music in a deep way. Howard asked Billy if he has ever gotten together with other guys and jammed with them. Billy said that he got together with Paul McCartney once and they were both dabbling in classical music. He said Paul was going to come over to his house and he kind of knew him from seeing him over the years. He said Paul is the reason he got into music. Billy said that Paul was going to come over and he was excited about that. He said he wondered if he'd want something cold to drink. He had some cold cuts in the fridge and Paul doesn't eat meat. He said he had turkey breast and things like that in there. He said it was like Jeffrey Dahmer's fridge. Billy said he was going to hide the meat somewhere so he was hiding it in drawers in the house. He said he had to put it somewhere so he just threw it all over the place.
Billy said they had a nice day talking about music and things like that. Billy said that they didn't really have any awkward silences or anything. Howard asked if they talked about girls they banged and stuff. He said they did do that. He said Paul is a good family man and just a nice guy. Howard said he thinks that he had a great relationship with Linda. Billy said he really is a great guy and a good dad.
Howard asked if he whipped out the instruments. Billy said that Paul played some tapes and he played some for him. He said they'd talk about how to change things. He said Paul left a few hours later and he never did ask for a drink or go into the fridge. Billy said they got closer from that.
Billy said that he called people to tell them what happened. Then he was walking around his house wondering what the smell was. He said he had the meats in the drawers and pantry so he had to go on a meat hunt to find it all.
Howard said Billy tours with Elton John and he gets the sense that they have nothing to do with each other, other than the business arrangement. Howard asked if he's right. Billy said that he is. He said that Elton never stops working. He said Elton will go do another gig on his day off. Billy said that Elton loves to perform. Billy likes to take a day off. Billy said he doesn't ache for the road or anything. He said he opened a motorcycle shop so he spends his time there.
Howard asked Billy why he doesn't build a piano instead of motorcycles. Billy said that's a real art. He said he can't compete with the families that have been making them for years.
Howard said he was comparing Billy to Bobby Fisher earlier in the morning. He asked Billy if he looks at the piano and gets bored with it. Billy said he doesn't get bored. He said the piano brought him some great things. He said he likes what he's hearing and he loves playing. He said he hates it when he's trying to write something and he can't get it. He said it's like a big beast that he just can't tame. Billy broke into a song as he was talking about that. Billy said it was too high to sing that song though. He said it's just too early to get up that high.
Howard said he gets goose bumps hearing that music. He asked Billy to keep going. Billy would play a little bit on the piano but he wasn't singing much. He went through his thought process on how he comes up with a song. He said that he can sometimes hate trying to figure out a song and the piano can be the thing that's keeping him from getting there.
Howard said he saw the Howard TV guys had his hands on the monitor and he would have loved to have been able to play like that when he was a kid playing piano. Howard asked at what age people noticed that he was a prodigy or a genius.
Billy said his parents had a piano in the house and it was always out of tune. He said when he was a little boy he would go over and play the rain song on it. He said that he'd play the rain on the high keys and the thunder on the low keys. He said his mother hated that so she dragged him to a piano teacher, Miss Francis, and had him take lessons. Howard asked if he wanted to be there. Billy said he did like the lessons as a young kid. Billy remembered the song in one of the song books he learned on. He actually sang the song and played it. Howard said he didn't remember that one.
Howard asked if the teacher knew that he had talent. He said he thinks that she did think he had something going on so she did spend time with him. Billy said that he would make up his own music as a kid. He said they'd give him a Mozart song to perform and he'd change it. He played some Mozart and said he would get bored with that. Then he'd just make up his own stuff and play that instead. Billy said his mother would ask what it was and he'd tell her it was the second movement. Billy played what he would create and it was just his own stuff. He played some more and said that he was around 6 years old at the time. He said his mother thought he was playing the music he was supposed to be playing. He said he would be all over the place playing different stuff that he was making up. His mom would say that he was great and he wasn't really learning anything.
Billy said that his mother would ask him to play the Mozart and he'd forget how to play it. Then the teacher would say she was wasting her money. He said he didn't play his own stuff for the teacher. He said that wasn't the deal so that's not what he was doing.
Howard said that some kids see rock stars and they want to do that. He asked Billy if his songs are variations on classical music. Billy said that music lasts and people will be listening to it hundreds of years from now. He said people will listen to the Beatles hundreds of years from now because it translates.
Billy said sometimes writing lyrics to songs is like painting a moustache on the Mona Lisa. He said that when you hear a song you really like you don't care what the lyrics are. He said that's kind of how he writes his songs. He said that he just writes that stuff the way you hear a rock song and don't care what the lyrics are.
Howard asked Billy what song he had in his head now. Billy said he had an anthem in there so he played that on the piano. Howard said he got the goose bumps from that again. He asked why he wouldn't put lyrics to that. Billy said that it could kill the song if he didn't have the exact right lyrics. Billy said it has to be fun and he has to want to do it. He said if it's not fun anymore then he can't do it.
Howard asked Billy to sing ''Just the Way You Are'' for them. He spent a minute talking to him about the song and then had him play. Billy sang some of the song for them. He said that was all he was going to play this morning after cutting it off after a minute or so.
Billy told Howard about how he used to be a rock critic. He said he once saw a band that he didn't think was that good and wrote it up. He said it was Supersession and he gave them a bad review. Billy said it looks worse on paper than it does in his note book. He said that he had to give up that job after seeing it in print. He wanted to apologize to Al Kooper for writing that article.
Howard asked who his music heroes are. Billy said that Steve Winwood is his hero. He said he has a great voice and he plays the keyboard really well. He played some of a song he likes but he knew he'd screw it up. He said it was too early to be singing too. He sang ''Dear Mr. Fantasy'' and said he loved his voice and keyboard playing. He sang a little bit of that and some of Steve's other stuff.
Howard said that Billy was inspired by the Beatles a lot. He was inspired to group 3 songs together like they did. Howard said he sat down and thought about that. Billy said he just had 3 or 4 unfished songs and he did that on one of his albums. Billy ended up playing some bits and pieces of their stuff too. He said they had unfinished songs and they would just mix them together. He said he thought it was brilliant that they did that. He said that laziness can be brilliant ingenuity.
Howard asked Billy if he would ever just sit down and play the Beatles stuff the way he just did. Billy said he's not sure if he would do that.
Howard asked Billy to play some of Miami 2017. Billy said he needed a bathroom break first. Howard said he only has about 23 requests so once he's done with that he'll be all good. Billy was trying to kill time because it was still so early in the morning. Howard said he was having a great time talking to him. Billy asked if this is better than the porn stars. Howard said ''Uh, no...''
Howard said that Billy has a new motorcycle shop. He was going to give him a plug for that but talked about how he could screw up his career if he crashed one of those things. Billy said he's just living his life the way he wants to. Billy quoted Jimi Hendrix after that. He said he never did get to meet Jimi though.
Howard said he was going to take a break but he asked Billy to please not leave. Billy said he wouldn't leave. Howard told Gary to lock all of the exits. He gave Billy a plug for his motorcycle shop 20th Century Cycle Shop and said you can find out more at BillyJoel.com. They went to break after that.
Howard asked Billy if he wrote a new song to that music he played earlier, would he write about current events like he used to. Billy said that Howard doesn't know that ''Allentown'' used to have the lyrics ''Living here in Levittown...'' He sang some of that song like it was about Levittown.
Howard asked Billy if other guys are trying to solve the world's problems with their songs. Howard mentioned Bruce Springsteen as one of them. Billy said he doesn't think that's what he's trying to do. He said that Bruce is a great lyricist and a great singer too. He said they both grew up around the same time and they'd go see each other's concerts. Howard asked Billy if he would call Bruce and hang out with him. He said they have done that. He said they ride motorcycles together too. Howard said they have to stop doing that. Billy said he's going to keep riding. Howard said he can't be doing that when he has so much talent in those hands of his.
Howard asked Billy about the record companies and if they have ever asked him to do crazy things for them. Billy said he hasn't given them a new album since 1993 so they keep cutting out the greatest hits stuff. He said he hates that too. He said he'd prefer that they just leave the albums intact.
Howard had Billy play and sing some more. Billy sang some of ''And So It Goes'' for Howard. Howard asked Billy if it's hard to stay in one relationship and if that has been tough on him. Billy said it has been tough. Howard said people must think that he has it all together when they hear his songs. Billy said he understands being in it and it just hasn't worked out the way he's wanted it to. Howard said it must have been heart breaking for him and that must inspire tunes. Billy said that's true.
Howard asked Billy about his father running off to Vienna and if his song is about his father. Billy said that it might be but he's never analyzed that. Howard had him perform a little bit of that song but Billy said it's really high for this time of morning. Billy gave it a try though.
Howard asked Billy if he doesn't like telling people about what the songs are about. Billy said that sometimes he doesn't like to do that. He said songs might mean something different to different people. He said he did write that song after he went to see his father in Vienna. He said the song was more about the way things are over in Vienna than about his father leaving.
Howard asked Billy to do some Downeaster Alexa. Billy said that was an impossible one to do at this time of morning. He tried doing it but he wasn't able to hit the note. Billy dropped it a note and tried it again. Billy did a little bit of the song and Howard said he swoons and wants to blow him when he hears that song. Billy tried doing some more of the song as Gordon Lightfoot. Howard asked if he likes to hear his songs covered by other people. Billy said he really does.
Howard asked Billy about some of the concerts he's performed. Billy talked about going to Russia and performing and what that was like.
Howard asked Billy what ''Big Shot'' was about. Billy said he was out with Mick and Bianca Jagger once and he was thinking of him singing a song he was writing to Bianca. He said it wasn't about him singing it to Bianca or anything like that. He said he was thinking about the way Mick would sing the song to Bianca. Billy played a little bit of the song and sang it like Mick would sing it.
Howard asked Billy to perform some more but Billy was playing and saw his hands on the monitor. He said his hands look really fat. He stopped playing for a few seconds and then got back to ''Miami 2017'' since Howard had asked him to play that. Billy's voice was sounding pretty good by then. Billy said he needed drums in one part so he just stopped playing.
Gary came in and asked what song he wrote the quickest. Billy said that ''Just the Way You Are'' was probably the quickest. He said that he had thought about a song and he was in the middle of a meeting and had to run off to write it. Billy said that ''New York State of Mind'' was also written in about 15 minutes. He said it was the day he moved back from California to New York when he wrote that. He said he was on his way to Highland Falls on a bus and he started scribbling in a note book. He said he had to write the song as soon as he got home. Howard asked if he's ever forgotten a song. Billy said he has. Billy said he dreams music a lot and he has to get them out as soon as he can.
Howard asked him to do a little bit of ''New York State Of Mind.'' Billy said he had to lower the key in that one too. It was still way too early for him. Billy did a minute of that song.
Howard gave Billy another plug for his motorcycle shop. Billy asked them not to bring loud pipes. He said that they're going to get kicked out of there if they do that. Billy said they have all kinds of people show up to the shop. Billy said he's going to lose money on the shop. He said it's like a man cave for him. Billy said he spends all day there. Howard asked if he gets to see Billy there. Billy said they're open to the public on the weekends but during the week they're just working on bikes. That's when he's there.
Howard asked why he'd want to run a business like that. Billy said he's ahead of the game so he doesn't care if he loses a little. Howard said he likes to help people too. He said he'll go out and help fishermen and stuff like that. Billy said he's having a good year so he will go out and help because they'd do the same for him if he was having a tough time.
Howard asked Billy about captain Jack and if he thinks that the guy heard the song. Billy said he probably did. He said he's gotten mail from a lot of Captain Jack's over the years. He said he can't do the song with just the piano. He said it's like playing Whole Lotta Love on the piano. Howard said he wants to hear that.
Billy said that most songs don't work on just the piano. That's why he has the band. Howard said he has seen him playing guitar. Billy said he's not sure they even put him into the mix when he's playing.
Howard said this is just too much sitting there with Billy. Billy asked if this was a piano bar or something. Howard said it is. Robin said that she was wondering about where the music comes from with some of the songs. He talked about how so many of them come from his dreams.
Gary asked about a song and Billy said it was just too high for him. Howard asked Gary to squeeze Billy's balls to get him up higher. Howard asked Billy what song was the first one he ever wrote. Billy sang some of that one. It was ''My Journey's End.'' Billy said that the song sucks and it's just so stereotypical. He said the poem was a stretch. He said he thought it was great when he wrote it. He said he was only about 15 when he did that song. He said he had a recording contract at 15. Howard said that must have been great. Billy said it was a lot of fun.
Howard asked Billy if he has ever apologized to people in school that he was mean to. Billy said that he has tried to reach out to people. He said that it still bothers him to this day that he would have a fling and never contact them again.
Howard asked Billy if he's a religious guy. Billy said he's an atheist. He said he tried church as a kid. He said he likes the sound and the acoustics in churches. He said they know what they're doing when it comes to that.
Howard asked Billy if he could ever get married again. Howard thought he wanted to have more kids. Billy said he's happy now and he's not going to get married again.
Howard asked Billy to play a song that he wanted to play. Billy sang ''One Last Song'' and made it up as he was going along. Howard asked if he ever consulted an image consultant when he was going along. Billy said that they told him to change his clothes but he didn't hire anyone to do that. Howard asked if he laughed at guys like Elton John and David Bowie who had to create those costumes. Billy said he likes that stuff and they're having fun doing it. He said that Lady Gaga wearing all of those outfits doesn't bother him at all. He kind of likes that stuff.
Howard asked Billy if he would ever write a song for someone again. Billy said he will never close the door on that. He said that he's really enjoying what he's doing now though.
Howard asked Billy who he has had discussions with about writing songs and it didn't work out. Billy said he's had discussions with a lot of guys but it's just never worked out. He said he wanted to work with Sting but that didn't work out.
Gary asked Billy if he played piano on ''Leader of the Pack.'' Billy said he played on a demo of the song. He said he's not sure if that made it to the album. Billy said he was only 15 at the time and he's not sure if they used his track.
Howard asked Billy if he's played piano on other songs that he didn't write. He said he has. He said he played for a Bob Dylan song.
Howard asked Billy to do one more song for him. He wanted to know what he could play. Billy didn't want to do a lot because they don't sound good with just the piano. Billy said all he could think was ''please don't make me sing anymore.''
They asked Billy to try some ''Angry Young Man'' but Billy was just having fun banging on the piano. Howard asked why he doesn't score a movie. Billy said he'd love to. He said he wanted to do ''The Perfect Storm.'' Howard said he should do Aquaman. Billy said he didn't know there was one.
Howard asked him to do ''Goodnight Saigon'' for his last song. Billy said he couldn't do that one. It's too big of a production. Howard asked Billy to do ''Summer Highland Falls'' so Billy did some of that as they were wrapping up the interview.
Howard said he loves Billy and thanked them from the bottom of his heart for coming in there. He said he knows his audience must have loved it. He said that it was a great interview and he never wanted to ask him to do this because he didn't want to take advantage of their friendship. Billy said the next time they do this they have to do it after 5 in the afternoon.
Howard gave Billy some more plugs for his web site and for TheLastPlayAtShea.com. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he really enjoyed that interview. He said you don't get many opportunities to talk to the greats like that. Howard said that was a lot of fun. He said he's been waiting for him to come in for a long time. Robin said maybe they make too much of people who do things like that but she likes to hear the process.
Howard said he had some great stories and he definitely wants to hear it back. Howard said he thanked him about 97 times for coming in. Robin said that he's so grateful to his guests. She said that he wished him a happy thanksgiving too. Howard said Fred is usually the only one who gets to see that. Fred said that was probably the best interview he's ever done and he can retire now. Howard said he should quit and sit home listening to that interview.
Fred said that anything that's on at 7 tonight should be bumped so they can put that interview on. Fred said there aren't many guys like Billy Joel out there.
Howard said a few years ago Oprah went on the Oprah show and he didn't like the interview. He said that Oprah just doesn't get it and the interview was no good. Howard said it was amazing to hear Billy playing a song when he asked what was in his head. Howard said he could imagine that song being a hit song. Howard said the guy is pretty amazing.
Howard said he didn't think for a minute that the Oprah interview captured what he waned to hear from Billy. He said tody is what he wanted to talk to him about and he was fascinated with what he was talking about.
Howard saw that Billy was in the green room and said he didn't know that Billy was sitting and listening to this now. Howard said if he's going to hang around he should come in and sit in for the news. Howard said he's going to listen to the interview again today. He said it was one of his favorite moments.
Ralph called in and said that it was a great interview. He said that the story he told about playing the piano for his mom and not telling her that he was playing his own stuff was great. He said Billy was writing at 6 years old and that's amazing. Howard said at 6 he was probably shitting his pants.
Ralph said that Howard should have him come back in at night and do some stuff. Howard said it was a lot of fun. He thanked him again for coming in.
Ralph asked Howard about Gary and if he thinks he's getting a little full of himself. Howard said he told Gary not to take it so seriously. He said they'll have to get to that another time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was a historic day today. He asked how he would rank this interview with all of the other ones he's done. Howard said Billy means something to him because his music meant something to him when he was in college. He said the interview was a true highlight for him. Gary said that Stevie Wonder might be another one like that. Howard said that's true. He said Paul McCartney was another one even though he didn't play anything.
Howard said when Billy sits at the piano and he talks about who he wanted to sing songs, it's great to hear because he can hear those artists singing the song.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that was an awesome interview. He asked if he smelled his finger before he left. Howard said he did smell his fingers on his way out. Howard said he can see why the chicks swoon over him.
Another caller said that her dad's restaurant is featured on the back of his album. She wanted to know if that restaurant inspired Billy to write ''Scenes from An Italian Restaurant.'' Howard said she'll have to wait for another time to ask.
Another caller asked why he kicked Billy out of there because he wanted to stay. Howard said they have to end the show at some point. The caller said that he's much more interesting than Eric the Midget.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the interview was amazing and so was the Jay-Z interview. He said he thinks that Howard wants to be the next Larry King or something. Howard said he doesn't want that. Howard said the show has evolved because they can do so much more on satellite radio. Howard said it's a great forum for him and he doesn't have the constraints of terrestrial radio anymore. He said you just can't do an interview like that on terrestrial. Robin aid it's the same way on TV. She said they have to rush through everything and they keep the interviews so short.
Howard said that could have been a one shot deal and he had to do it the way he wanted to. He said that everyone else is so archaic when it comes to that kind of stuff. Howard said it was a lot of fun today doing that interview. The caller said he loved it.
Another caller said he was a piano player but he could never play Billy's stuff. He said that the guy is amazing and he wanted to thank Howard for having him on the show. Howard said he's glad that Billy showed up.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he was riveted. He said that it sounded great. Vinnie asked if they're going to put it on In Demand. Howard said they should have it. Howard said they were on his hands while he played his songs and it was great to see his fingers move. Robin said that's the stuff you miss when you see him in concert. Howard said the guy is amazing.
Vinnie asked if he would do another interview wherever he ends up. Howard said he was very gracious today. He said he would do that.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that was ''Fan-fuckin-tastic.'' Howard thanked him for that. Howard said it really was a lot of fun. He said he was sorry he didn't get to the phone calls but he was having fun.
Steve said that Conan O'Brien's ratings have drooped off drastically to tie The Daily Show. Steve said that Jackie is doing his 200th show tonight so they're going to have Gary calling in. They also have the Riley Martin Show on tonight at midnight. Steve mentioned the special Paul McCartney concert as well.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview next. Jon ran down the list of subjects they had for today's show.
Robin started her news with a story about iTunes finally having the Beatles music. Howard said he thought everyone had them on CD already. Robin said that they're finally going digital at Apple's iTunes store.
Robin read a story about Michael Douglas being ill and trying to recover from throat cancer and his ex-wife is still hounding him for money. Robin said she's come back trying to get money from the sequel to Wall Street. Howard said she claims that it's part of the settlement because he was in the first one.
Robin read some news about Mel Gibson and how he's admitted to have smacked his girlfriend Oksana in the face and knocking out two of her teeth. Robin said Gibson claims he was doing that to bring her back to reality after she did something with their child that he didn't like.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard to ask his father if he knows who Lloyd Braun is on Seinfeld. Howard said his dad knows that show because he watches it all the time. Howard said he would probably know that name. Howard said his father thinks that show is like the best show ever made. Howard said his dad might just know that character name because he's so obsessed. Howard said his father is always quoting the show. He said it happens every 10 minutes too.
Robin said she wasn't looking forward to the new Harry Potter movie but it's getting great reviews. Howard said he's kind of sick of the whole thing at this point.
Robin read about one of the mistresses that's opening up about Tiger Woods. Robin said that Rachel Uchitel is opening up so people can get to know her as a person. She wants people to know where she came from. Robin had some details of the interview she did with some paper over in the UK.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he just wanted to say that Gary is not an athlete. He said he can't throw a pitch. He doesn't have a technique to throw the ball. The guy said that he has to understand that. Howard said that must kill Gary because he just wants to be an athlete. Howard went to a break after that.
After the break we heard some prank calls Sal and Richard made to a call in show where they kept asking the host how big his cock was.
Howard came back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about Sarah Palin's new reality TV show and how that did in its first week. Robin said nearly 5 million people tuned in for that. Robin said that Bristol Palin is still on Dancing with the Stars. She's denying that tea party members are keeping her on the show. Howard said there's no other explanation for why she's still on.
Robin read about Scarlett Johansson being voted as GQ's Babe of the Year. Robin had some quotes from the magazine. Howard said she's really hot. He wondered if she was married. Robin said she's married to Ryan Reynolds. That led to them talking about the Green Lantern movie that's coming out soon. Howard said he saw a trailer for the movie and it looks pretty good.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Billy Joel interview was great. He asked if Billy really wanted to stick around. Howard said that he thought he should end it because he didn't want to take advantage of him. He said Billy was there for over an hour and a half as it was. The caller said Howard is a great interviewer and no one else gets out of people what Howard does.
Ralph called in again and said that the big Green Lantern trailer is coming out tonight. They spent a minute on that but Howard had to get going so he let him go.
Robin read about a study that's being done about teen diets and what role parents play. Robin said they're looking for 15-20 year olds who have lost 10 pounds and kept it off for a year.
Robin read about how most American's support the use of full body scanners in airports. Howard said any man with small genitals isn't going to want that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him he was at his best with the Billy Joel interview. He also asked Howard about going to the gym and if he hates having gays in the locker room. Howard said he goes to a private changing room. The caller said he hates guys leering at him in the locker room. Howard said that no man is leering at him. Howard said it doesn't matter if a guy is looking at him. Howard said he's insulted that gay guys aren't attracted to him. Howard said that they're all men and who cares if they desire you. The caller thinks that men should be allowed in the women's locker room. Howard said that's not going to work. Benjy asked if he would be bothered if he was in an all gay gym. Howard said he doesn't think it would.
The caller said that he needs some advice from Howard. Howard sand Robin both said he sounds gay. Howard said he thinks that he might start to believe that he's going to get hard if some guy touches him. The caller said he wants to find a single woman but he gets leered at by gay men instead. Howard told him to just get dressed and leave. The guy said it' a creepy feeling. He said he stopped taking showers in health clubs. Howard said he did too but only because he doesn't want anyone seeing his penis.
Robin got back to her news. She said that they may have found the body of the missing girl Natalie Holloway in Aruba. Robin read the details of that case and they say that it's one of the areas that Joran Van Der Sloot described to authorities.
Robin read about a 19 year old woman who tried to carve a tattoo from her boyfriend's neck. She went at him with a knife and tried to cut it out of his neck.
Robin read a story about a soldier that's being given the medal of honor this week. Robin said that he's the first living person to get the medal since Vietnam. Howard said that's crazy. He said he could never be that brave to save someone like that guy did.
Robin read about this thing called a ''spillcam'' which has been named the word of the year. Robin said that the word is something that summed up the year. They're talking about the spill cams that were showing the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Robin said that the Vuvuzella is in second place. Robin asked Howard if he knew what that was. Howard had no idea. Robin said it's the horn they used during the World Cup. Robin said that ''Narrative'' is in third place. ''Refudiate'' is in fourth and ''Guidos and Guidettes'' are in fifth place.
Robin read about NASA finding the youngest black hole in the universe. That led to Fred playing some Little Lupe ''Vagina pussy'' clips and stuff like that as they were talking about the ''black hole.''
Robin read about the Gosslin family kids getting kicked out of school. Two of their 6 year olds were kicked out due to anger issues. Robin said they fought with their peers and made fun of other kids according to someone. Robin said that they're being home schooled now. Howard said those kids are going to be really screwed up. Their parents put them on a reality show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to ask if he would leave a 20 on the ground if he saw one laying there since that's what he said he didn't pick up once when he saw one as a kid. Howard said he would still leave it on the ground. He said that's why he should be Green Lantern. He said he's really honest. Robin said that the Green Lantern can be killed though. Benjy also pointed out that he didn't jump into the pool to save his dog when she fell in. Howard said he's right about that. He said maybe he shouldn't be the Green Lantern.
Robin got back to the black hole story and Howard asked if you just disappear if you go into one. They were going over that for a couple of minutes.
Robin read a story about Harrison Ford talking about saving rain forests from deforestation. Robin had some audio of Harrison Ford talking about that. Fred played some snoring sounds and Howard said he was hoping he'd talk about Star Wars or Indiana Jones.
Robin read about Prince William getting engaged to be married. Howard said he thought that kid was going to grow up looking better than he does. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that story.
Robin read about it being diabetes awareness month. Robin read about that and had some audio of a woman talking about how to eat right an exercise. Howard said he likes that Jon Hein has it and doesn't do any of those things.
Robin read about Walmart starting a food drive and making it easy for people to buy the stuff that they're looking for. Howard said that sounds like a nightmare. He said whoever came up with that should be fired. Howard said he'd rather just know where to write the check.
Robin read about how social networking sites are a resource for people who are collecting money. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about how you should avoid posting stuff on your social networking sights about things you buy if you're claiming poverty. They ended the news and the show a short time later, right around 10:55am.
Gary said that he's also an athlete even though people are saying he's not. Gary said he says that and Will gives him that smirk of his. Jason said he knows that smirk.
Jason came in and said that he knows Gary loves him but he's like Billy Joel saying he can't sing in the morning. Gary said people can't say he has no athletic ability at all. Jon asked Gary if Robin goes on and throws a pitch, is that going to bother him. Gary said ''yes.''
Jon ran down some more stuff they have to talk about today. He said he wanted to talk about the Billy Joel interview. He said that Howard has been looking forward to this for a long time. Gary said they were all writing down questions for him and they were all going crazy over it. Jon said that Billy did have a story about just about everything they asked about. Jon said there were some great stories coming from Billy too.
Gary said that it was great today. He said that Billy seemed to be up for just about anything too. Jason said that he didn't cringe or pull back on anything. He would just tell Howard he didn't want to talk about something and they'd move on.
Jon asked if Billy came off as a regular guy. Gary said he did, absolutely. He said he came across as a great, regular guy. Jason said that's part of his charm. He said that he is very accessible.
Jon said that he didn't have to go anywhere either so he was just there to hang out. Gary said he really was just there for them. He said Billy agreed to do this for them and he blocked the day out for them. Jason said that the publicist kept popping in and out of Gary's office. He asked if that was a bad thing. Gary said she just anted to see what was happening in the studio. They weren't told not to talk about anything or anything like that. Benjy said the publicist was really hot.
Jon said Howard said it was like having Beethoven in the studio. Gary said it would appear that his music would fall into that category.
Jon said that there weren't any technical mishaps today so it must have been good for Scott. Benjy said that his voice did go into distortion for a second. Gary said that Scott ranks Billy Joel right up near the top of his all time favorites so he's sure that helped. Gary said they are a little jaded there but when Billy sat down and sang ''Just the Way You Are'' it was like ''Holy shit!'' and it was a goose bump moment.
Jon said it seemed like there was a mutual respect between Howard and Billy. Gary agreed. Scott the Engineer came in and said that they had 4 microphones on the piano. He said they have special mics that stick on the bottom of the piano and things like that. He said that someone else set that up. Jason asked what Scott actually did. Scott said he was basically supervising and making sure nothing went wrong.
Scott said that interview was like the highlight of his career there on the show. He said he got the chills when he played ''Summer Highland Falls.'' Jon said that was a good segue and had Teddy play some audio of that part of the interview.
After the clip Gary said he didn't know that he wrote the music first. He said that was pretty fascinating.
Steve Langford came in and said that someone was suggesting that Billy was a great guy and he kind of did an ambush two days before he got married in 2004 when he was working for The Insider. He said Billy got out of his car and he approached him. He said Billy stood there and talked to him like the nicest guy on earth. He said he was an absolute gem. Jason said it was either that or he was scared out of his mind.
Steve said he worships Billy now but he didn't get him years ago. Gary said that Steve used to be into the J Giles Band. He told Gary about that on a trip when they were hanging out once. Steve had some opinions on their stuff. Steve said that Billy rules though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that really was one of the best interviews he's ever heard. He said the sound of the piano was great and he had to give props to the sound guy. He said other people probably thought the same thing. Gary said it really did sound good. Gary said it was a Steinway Baby Grand and they delivered it and didn't charge anything. He said when you have someone like Billy on the show they really open up and deliver.
Jon said that Billy talking about doing the variations on the Mozart stuff was great. Benjy said that he'd love to track down the piano teacher and find out what she thinks now.
Scott was saying that he was a musician when he was young but he gave that up to be an engineer. He said that he wanted to be behind the scenes with that stuff.
Jon asked to be taken out of the Scott the Engineer vortex. He took a call from a guy who said that he loved that Billy did some of ''Golden Slumbers'' for them. He said he saw him play once in front of 18,000 people and they were all dancing and moving. He said that he thinks that Howard did a great interview but he never lets people finish a sentence. He said it can get really annoying when he does that. Gary said he may be nit picking. The caller said that he was at Gary's book signing in Torrance and they all loved him there. Gary said it really was like a love fest there. He said it was great.
Gary said he has time to say hello real quick but one guy showed up in a gorilla suit. He said that guy just made gorilla sounds for like 15 seconds and left.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to critique Howard a little bit. He said he was ragging on Gary about the Kimmel pitch and he was calling him a pussy. Then today Howard was badgering Billy about what songs to play. He asked if Billy is a pussy for doing something that he didn't want to do. Jason said that he doesn't think Howard was fighting him on anything. It's not the same kind of thing.
The guys were talking about some of the other things Billy was talking about and how interesting his stories were. They went over some of the songs that Billy and Howard talked about and things like that.
A caller said he grew up in the area there in New York and Billy Joel and Jay-Z are two huge artists on his iPod. He said that it was touching to hear those two interviews. Gary said they're also doing the results of the IQ test this week so it could be an amazing week of shows.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about the way Scott DePace treats Gary there and if they think that his wife calls him an asshole at home. They spent a minute talking about that.
Another caller said that Howard was cutting off Billy and he was really annoying with that. Jason said that no interviewer lets a guest go on and on and on. Gary said he may try to push them into another direction or keep them on track. Gary said they can go to the right or the left and Howard tries to keep them on track. Gary said that Jason is right and Howard doesn't let people just go on and on.
Jon said that Howard is masterful at weaving an interview and he does what he has to do to make that happen. The caller said he was annoyed with the constant interruption. He said he never did hear the answer to the first question about the song about his girlfriend. Jason said that he did answer it eventually though. He said Howard didn't cut him off completely.
Benjy said that he wants to know if it was one of the greatest interviews because of who it was being interviewed. Jon said that's part of it. Gary said Billy doesn't generally do something like this. He said that he won't just sit there for an hour and 47 minutes and play piano when people throw songs at him. They had to go to break after that.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that the interview was so good today that nothing negative was said on SternFanNetwork today. She said that they all loved the interview. Jon said that it did remind him of when McCartney came in there. He said that there was a lot of excitement going on up there.
Gary said that the publicist was impressed with Howard TV and how that looked. They were talking about some of the songs that Billy was doing and how excited everyone was about him coming in there.
Jon said that the guy's mind is genius and it's really incredible. They talked about some of the songs he was just making up. They also talked about the first song he wrote and how that was.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had to thank them for the many years of entertainment. He said that the interview was great but no one cares about Paul McCartney at this point. Gary said he's crazy if he thinks that no one gives a shit about Paul McCartney. The guy said he listened to the Beatles but there's nothing to their music. He said he turns it off and nothing pulls you into their stuff. The guy said he got excited about the big announcement and then Howard announces the Paul McCartney thing. Jon said that a few hundred million people have purchased their records. You can't say no one cares.
The caller said he thought they were going to have something cool and new, not a Paul McCartney concert. Benjy said that he doesn't like cheese but he gets that millions of people do. The caller said that was the most retarded thing he had ever heard.
Jon moved on and said he didn't want to be associated with that other caller since both of them were from Jersey. Jon told him not to worry about it. The caller said he's kind of sad this week thinking that these interviews are like a goodbye thing. He said that Howard could be doing the stuff he's been holding off on as a goodbye. He said he thinks that Howard called Billy in to do this as a favor. Gary said Howard said that he didn't do that. It was Billy's idea to come in and do the show.
The caller said that the show has been a big part of his life and he was getting sad thinking that it could come to an end. The guy was also talking about Howard talking over the guests. He said that he'd probably do the same thing to Howard if he was interviewing him. He said he'd be excited about the whole thing.
Gary said that he hears from a lot of people about how important the show is to them. He said it's kind of cool to be part of that. Jon said that Howard has said that he doesn't want to stop so it will probably keep going, they just don't know where yet.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he agrees with the guys who were saying that Howard was cutting Billy off too much. Gary said he'll have to go back and listen again. He said he didn't get that feeling but maybe it went over his head. Benjy said that Howard will listen to it again too and it'll be interesting to see how he feels. Jon said he felt it was one of the best interviews. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how they had 14 shows left. He said it hardly seems like it's worth doing that many. Maybe they should just leave.
Howard said he wanted to applaud one of their interns, Ryan. He said he found songs where you think the N-word is being said. Robin asked how he started that search. Howard said he'll have to ask him that.
Howard stated off with an AC/DC song where it sounds like they're saying the N-word in ''Highway to Hell.'' Then there's Billy Joel's ''Movin' Out'' where it sounds like he's using the N-word. Howard said you have to be Ryan the Intern to catch this stuff. Howard said he says 'If he can't drive with a broken back'' but it sounds like the N-word to Robin. Robin said they have to get him back in there.
Howard said Hootie and the Blowfish have a song where it sounds like they're using the N-word too. That song is ''I Will Wait'' and he's saying ''And make her feel so much better...'' but it sounds like the N-word. Then there's a Marvin Gaye song with the same thing. That's in ''You're All I Need To Get By'' and it's ''like an eagle protects his nest.'' Howard said he was hearing the N-word.
Howard said the Bee Gees have one too in ''Too Much Heaven.'' Howard played that one and they say ''Ooo you and me girl'' but it sounds like the N-word again. Howard said in the same song they have a similar lyric that comes out like the N-word. Howard also played the song ''Can a Nigga Get a Table Dance'' and asked if Robin could hear it in that one.
Howard said Maroon 5 has one too. That song is ''Harder To Believe.'' Howard said they're supposed to be saying ''Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat.'' Robin said she could hear that after Howard said it.
Howard said Ryan must listen to a lot of music. Howard asked if he was there. Gary said he's been there every day on time but today he's late. Howard said he was going to give him their version of the medal of honor.
Howard said he believed in his heart that if there was a green lantern he could be it. Howard said he saw the trailer for the movie and it really does look great. Howard explained how the Green Lantern gets his ring and all of that. Howard said he gets it from some alien and he's told that the ring can do whatever your mind tells it to. Howard wasn't clear about exactly how it works but he thought it had to be re-powered by a green lantern.
Howard told Robin about how there are other Green Lanterns around the universe and you end up getting chosen by a committee. He was telling Robin all of this and she said ''I see...'' and didn't sound all that interested. Robin asked if he's invincible. Howard said he knows that the color yellow fucks him up. He said the ring will protect him. He's able to fly through space with the ring. Robin asked if you can sneak up on him and shoot him. Howard said you can do that. He said that Green Lanterns die all the time.
Jason came in and told Howard about some of the stuff in the comic books. He's been reading about that stuff for a while. Howard and Jason were filling Robin in on the details of how the Green Lantern gets the ring and why the other alien guy dies. Robin asked if he wears that ring all the time. Howard said he does but he has to recharge it at times. Howard said he remembers him charging it in the woods. Howard asked Jason if that's where he does it. Jason said he didn't read any one with the woods. He keeps it in his locker in the stuff he's reading now.
Howard said he'd just stay Green Lantern all the time if he had that ring. He said he spends a lot of time on other planets too. Jason said that they protect the universe so they're all over the place. Howard said that he's very powerful. He said he'd rather be Superman. He said he'd rather have his powers organic like him. Howard said he wouldn't mind having the ring though.
Howard said when he said he thought he could be the Green Lantern because of his honesty he thinks he'd be right for the job. Howard said he did shoplift once when he was a kid but that was peer pressure. Howard said he could be talked into doing that when he was a kid.
Howard said he realized that he's actually a coward. He said they were talking about that yesterday and he now realizes that he's not that brave. He said he's so cowardly that he wouldn't even stop someone from stealing a bike. Howard said Robin pointed it out once and they just ignored it and drove away. Howard said he didn't want to die over a stolen bike.
Howard said no one is choosing him to be Green Lantern. Robin said she's amazed that he's into these comic book heroes and he never does anything heroic.
Howard said Bianca fell in the pool once and he didn't just dive in to save her. He said Beth had to do it. He said Beth is more Green Lantern than he is.
Robin said that Howard did do something for an old lady who fell down in front of them. Robin said he got upset when she needed something after that. Howard said he saw this old woman fall down and he remembers saying ''Ugh'' to Robin. He said he felt bad for her and he asked if she needed a ride. Then she wanted to go to a bunch of places and he thought about what a pain in the ass she was.
Howard said he pulled Gary Busey off of Robin once. He said that was kind of heroic. Gary came in and brought up the bicycle story again. He didn't hear them talking about it 2 minutes ago.
Howard said he did take Gary Busey off of Robin. Gary said that wasn't that big of a deal. Robin said no one touched Shaquille O'Neil when he picked her up. Howard said he almost threw her through the ceiling that day. Gary said Shaq bench pressed Robin that day. Howard said he stayed on the air on 9/11. He said KC ran home. Howard said he thought they were under attack that day. Robin said there was no danger that day. Howard said KC was a pussy for running away.
He said he thinks that he could be Green Lantern from that. Robin said Howard left his daughter in danger once. Howard said they were at a picnic at Roosevelt Island and he dove in his car and locked the doors. He said Robin, his wife, Fred and Emily were all outside of the car. He said he didn't let anyone in. It was just a fan looking for an autograph that day. Howard said he can't be Green Lantern.
Gary said his father once chased a robber down the street. Robin said her father ran into a burning building. Howard said he could be Green Lantern too. Howard said the Green Lantern is black in the comic books these days. Howard said he may be better suited to be Wonder Woman.
Gary said he was watching the medal of honor thing and he thought the guy was traumatized over the whole thing. Gary said the guy isn't just emotional, he's traumatized. Gary said the guy doesn't even want the medal. Howard said that's a real hero. The guy says that he's not a hero and not even a great soldier.
Robin said that Audi Murphy was a decorated guy and he had all kinds of problems. Howard said he gets it now that he's seen this kid. Gary said they have a special with James Galdolfini coming out where they talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and they talk about how a lot of people suffer from it years and years after war. They say that they should talk about it but not talking about it is like a sign of bravery.
Howard said he was on an emotional high from how great the interview was. Howard said he went back to his office to sleep... I mean work... and he was on his way to an appointment and heard the Wrap Up Show where someone complained about him interrupting Billy too much. Howard said he went into a depression and it really just sent him into a downward spiral. He said he has to get out of the business. Howard said he knows he did a great job and then some fan complains and it sends him into this depression.
Howard said he gets so much positive email about it and then just one person can spoil it for him. Howard said Billy was great in the interview and it was all good. He said he went to the psychiatrist and talked about that. Howard said he can't let that stuff bother him if he's going to stay in radio. Robin said that would keep him from being Green Lantern.
Howard said he went home and he was going through what their future will be on the radio and working on that. He said he has to learn to be a stronger person and just own his feelings and opinions. Howard said his shrink told him that he has to know that people are jealous. Howard said he doesn't see that but there obviously are some jealous people out there.
Gary said that Roger Ebert tweeted about him yesterday. Howard read that tweet and he said he actually heard from Roger who sent him a chess set that Yoko Ono designed. Howard said it's an art piece and he kind of digs it. He said that he can get where she's coming from.
Robin said that Yoko was the one who was tweeting about the Beatles being available on iTunes. Howard said that the people making the money on that are Michael Jackson's family and Yoko Ono. Howard said Paul McCartney doesn't get money from that. Howard said Ringo doesn't get any of the money from that either. Howard said Yoko and Blanket are going to have the money. Howard said Michael Jackson's estate is going to get more than Paul or Ringo. Robin said she's not sure that Jackson's estate owns all of that. Howard said it has to haunt Paul that Jackson got the rights.
Howard said he got a lot of positive feedback about the show yesterday. He said he was hearing from celebrities and from the fans. Howard said a bunch of celebrity friends were emailing him about how great the day was.
Howard said it was a curse though. He said he got up at 12:30 in the morning and he was writing down questions for Billy Joel. He said he has like 57,000 questions for him. He said he may never even get to interview him again but he has all of these questions for him. Howard said he was very fucked up last night. Robin said that's another reason he can't be Green Lantern.
Robin read more about this Audi Murphy guy and said that he had to quit school to help his family out when he was a little kid. His father left the family so he had to help. He was a hero at a very early age. Howard said she can stop it now. He gets it. He said he knows he won't be the Green Lantern.
Howard said he called Billy yesterday and thanked him for coming in. Robin said the news team had Billy saying some nice things about Howard too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to bring anyone else in to top it off before the show ends. Howard said this week has been extraordinary. He said they're just doing the show the way they do. Howard said he really liked Jay-Z and said that he was very humble and intelligent. Robin said he changed himself from a gangster into a great guy. Howard said he really did improve himself.
Howard said Gilbert Gottfried is coming in today so that'll be a big change. The caller asked how they're going to top off the week. Howard said they'll be doing the IQ test results tomorrow.
The caller asked to be left on hold so he can listen to the show. Howard said he would do that. The guy was in the ICU after having a heart attack. the guy said he's having a defibrilator installed today. Robin let out an ''Ugh'' when she heard that. Howard said the guy sounded really young. He was only 51 and he said his father died at 53. The guy said he's really bumming out over it. Howard put him on hold after telling him not to buy a condo, just rent.
Howard told Robin to go visit the guy. Robin said that she might have to. She said there are ways to reverse heart disease.
Howard said he got some great email yesterday. He said that there's a guy out there who wrote a review of Billy on the show and it was great. Howard said he sent it to Billy so he can be pleased. Howard said he's not sure who this guy Lefsetz writes for but he's good. Howard read through some of the stuff he wrote about the interview and the guy was saying Billy was pure heaven. He talked about many of the things that Billy talked about and how great it was to hear.
Howard said he came in his pants when he read that article. He said it made his day. Howard said there were a couple of great moments in that interview. He played more of the music moments from the interview where Billy was playing for a few seconds at a time.
Howard said Billy doesn't have those long fingers that they say you need for the piano. Howard said he was talking to someone about Billy and the guy said that he's a great player and maybe the greatest. He said that Billy plays so hard that he can break strings in the piano. Howard wondered how that happens. Fred said it can happen with some pro players.
Howard played more of Billy's performances and got upset when he'd stop playing in the middle of a song. Howard said he's ready to kill himself when he stops like that. Howard said that drives him nuts. He gets the goose bumps hearing him play. Robin said that Billy probably tears himself apart like Howard does with his own show.
Howard said he was looking for an article in the Daily News from David Hinkley. He said he was thinking that he would have heard it and talked about how great satellite radio can be. Howard said terrestrial radio is so awful that they can't do anything like they do there. Howard said he was able to go for over an hour and not take a break. He said David didn't write anything today. He said maybe David didn't hear it.
Howard said he thought Billy was quite remarkable. He said he couldn't believe some of the stories he was telling. Howard and Robin talked about the songs that Billy said he wrote for different people and did the songs as those people. Howard played some of those examples.
Howard played some of Billy's ''Summer Highland Falls'' performance. Howard said he didn't know that Billy was either sad or euphoric and he didn't really hear those lyrics until Billy talked about that during the interview. Howard said Billy was also talking about how his lyrics just fuck up his music.
Howard said he asked Billy what song he had in his head during the interview and he played a song that was kind of anthemic. Howard said he heard that song and felt it could be the hit that he never had. Howard was going to play some of that too but he played ''New York State of Mind.''
Howard said he liked that song he had in his head. He said that moved him. He played that next. Howard said it really made him nuts that he was stopping his songs in the middle. He said it would be like fucking Denise Richards and pulling out at the last second.
Howard played a couple more clips of Billy playing. Howard asked what song it was that Billy felt was going to be a huge hit that didn't turn into a hit. That was ''And So It Goes.'' Howard played that one next. Howard said his buddy Pat predicted that would be his answer. Howard said that song was a beautiful song. Robin said she just listens to the feeling of the song. Howard said he does too.
Howard said he covered a lot of music for them yesterday. He said that's exactly what he wanted him to do. Howard said he loved ''Miami 2017'' but only gave them a little bit of it. He said it was like Denise Richards throwing him off again. Howard said they already heard that so he played some of Billy doing ''Downeaster Alexa.''
Howard said that he called Billy yesterday after the show and they spent a few minutes talking. He said Billy said he was thinking about his father after Howard brought it up. Howard said he must have known why he wrote that song Vienna but Billy said he really doesn't know. Howard said he wished that people were listening in on the phone call. He said it was a great moment on the phone with him when Billy realized that the song could be about his father. Howard played some of that song next.
Howard said the one thing he really wants to ask about is about a rock star losing his hair. He said that it must make him nuts. Howard said that Billy once wrote a song parody called Rogaine to the tune of Clapton's ''Cocaine.'' Howard said he should have asked Billy to play that yesterday. Robin said that Billy's whole look has changed. She said that Ross Zapin was at a Billy Joel concert with her and he yelled out ''Who's that?'' when he saw him come out on stage. Howard said Beth thinks that Billy looks great without his hair.
Howard said that Billy was talking about how the Beatles put together three unfinished songs to make one song on Abbey Road. Howard played some of Billy playing those Beatles songs. He said he wanted him to do all three of the songs and finish them. Howard said he wanted to take piano lessons after hearing all of that. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that they have the IQ test results coming up tomorrow. He said that Eric the Midget won't be in the group. He said that Bobo will be in the group. Howard said Jason knows the results of the test and he's the only one who has the results. The results segment is sponsored by LoadedQuestions.com
Howard said there's this chick who looks like Megan Fox there who just turned 18 and she's selling her virginity. Howard said when she was 16 she decided to keep her virginity and she's never even blown a guy. Howard had her and her mom come in. Howard said they were both wearing wigs.
Howard said this was Jennifer and her mom was Jill. Howard asked if they were in disguise. Jennifer said they were. She said that she lives in a small town and she doesn't want people to know who she is. She has siblings at home and she's trying to sell her virginity so she doesn't want anyone to know who she is. Howard said this is like Superman putting on glasses and hiding his identity.
Howard said Jennifer read about this girl Natalie who sold her virginity a couple of years ago. She decided to do the same thing. Howard said that she's hot and she must have gotten hit on a lot at school. She said she lives in a small town and they really didn't. Jill said that she wasn't interested either. Jill said there are girls in their town who are pregnant and giving birth at 12 and 13. Jill said that Jennifer is clean, pure and innocent.
Howard asked Jennifer why she decided to keep her virginity. He asked if she thinks she's gay. She said no to that. Robin asked if she's had boyfriends. Jennifer said she has but she's never let any of them even see or touch her boobs.
Howard asked Jill if she was married. She said she was but they got rid of him. Jill said he drank and he wasn't able to keep a job so they were better off without him. Howard asked Jennifer if she thinks that she might be frigid and maybe she doesn't want to have sex. She said no. Jill said she's just looking for a secure future. Jill said she's a smart girl. Howard said this is basically prostitution. That's why they hooked up with the Bunny Ranch. Jennifer said that they know what they're doing out there.
Howard said Jennifer is super hot and the other girl that sold her virginity wasn't that hot. Howard asked how much that other girl got. Jill said it was 7 figures when they pulled out of the deal. Jill said that the guy ended up going back with his wife. She ended up getting $250,000 for not doing it. She said she's not positive about that amount though.
Howard asked Jennifer if she's even masturbated. She said she hasn't. Howard asked if she's embarrassed to admit that. Jennifer said she isn't. She said she took a lie detector test and passed that. Howard asked Jill if she finds it odd that she hasn't even explored herself. Jill said she got married young so that's what her husband was for. Howard said she must have played with herself before that. Jill said she didn't remember. Howard said she must have done something. Howard said that Robin can squeeze her legs together and have an orgasm.
Howard asked Jennifer if she's ever had an orgasm. She said she hasn't. Howard said he finds that very odd. Robin asked if she even played nurse with anyone. She hasn't done that either.
Howard asked who turns Jennifer on. He asked about Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. She said they're handsome. Howard asked how she's going to get through this emotionally. He said that he gets why she wants to do it for the money but what if someone like him or Benjy walks in. Jennifer said that Benjy was cute. She said that it all has to balance out with the money and the guy's looks.
Jill said that Jennifer heard her and her friends talking about the other girl who sold their virginity. Jill said that they were all saying they'd go back and do the same thing if they could. Howard asked if she was down with the whole thing. Jill said she was once she got up off the floor. Howard asked if Jennifer would have changed her mind if her mom told her that she was wrong for doing that. She said she was going to do it no matter what.
Howard said Jennifer is a very good looking girl. Jill said that she knows that. Guys will look at her and she won't even notice it. Howard asked how people can get in on the bidding and how much she's looking for. Jennifer said she'd like a million dollars. Howard said that's a lot of money. Howard asked how long she's going to stay with her. She said that he's just going to put it in and take it out and that's it. Howard asked if she's going to kiss the guy. Jennifer said she thinks so. Jill said it will be a romantic evening. Howard said she has to think this through and figure out what it is she's in for. Howard said he feels he owes it to Jennifer to do this.
Howard asked Jill if she'll be in the room. Jill said she won't. Howard asked if Dennis Hof will be in the room. Jill said that Cami might be in the room. Howard said that Cami will probably talk to her ahead of time. Howard asked if Jill has talked to her about how to blow a guy and things like that. They haven't talked about that. Howard said that she's going to owe the guy a good time so she can't be frigid when she walks into the room.
Howard asked Jennifer if she'll walk in naked. She said she'll have a dress on. She didn't know which one it would be. Howard said this doesn't sound very well thought out at all. Jill said they have to figure out what the guy wants.
Howard asked if Jennifer still has her hymen. She said she thinks she does but she has to go to the doctor to find out for sure. Howard asked her if she knows about the stuff that shoots out of a guy. She said she has read about it. Howard asked if she has ever seen a penis in real life. Jennifer said no. Howard said this is going to be something else.
Robin asked if she'll be shaved for her big night. Jennifer said she wasn't sure about that. Howard said she has to figure that out too. Jill said she could wax. Jennifer said that she does trim it for her bikini.
Robin asked if she's all natural. Jennifer said she is. Howard said Jill is a good saleswoman. Howard asked if she told her that penises have teeth and can bite. Jill didn't tell her that.
Howard asked Jennifer what she weighs. She said she's 115 and 5'5'' tall. Howard asked what her cup size is. She said she's a B or a C. Jill said she's also a size zero. Howard said she has no cellulite either. Jill said she runs works out too. Howard asked if she has any flaws. Jill said the only thing is stubbornness.
Sal came in and said that he appreciates what they're doing. Sal asked if they wanted to see a penis. Howard didn't want that but Jill was fine with it. Sal whipped it out and showed it to Jennifer. Jennifer laughed and said ''Alright... I've seen a penis.''
Gary said Sal has been telling everyone that he's turned on by her mom. Howard told him to ask her out. Sal asked if she wanted some of this and showed her his penis. Howard asked Jill if she would go out with her. Jill said that he's too young at 41. Jill said she's in her late 50s.
Howard said this is unbelievable. Howard said that she has to touch one of those penises when she's with this guy for the first time. Howard said she has to rub it like wood starting a fire. Howard asked Jennifer if she's going to undress herself or let the guy do it. She said it's all up to the guy.
Howard asked if the guy is allowed to kiss her vagina. Jill said if he pays for it he can do whatever he wants. Jennifer said he will have to wear a condom.
Howard asked Jennifer what will happen if the guy finishes in 3 seconds. Will she let him reload and put one in the chamber. Jennifer said she hadn't thought about that. She said they'll have to talk. She said she'll just say maybe. Jill said she thinks that it would be the nice thing to do and make it a nice evening for all.
Howard said that Jill seems to be calling the shots there. Howard said she could stop this whole thing. Howard said he thinks that Jennifer would listen to whatever she says. Jill said she's just being polite today.
Robin asked what she's going to do with the money. Jennifer said she wants to spend it on college to begin with. She wants to go close to home but she didn't say where that home is. Jennifer said she wants to go into interior design. She was having some trouble getting the words out so Howard told her that this is nothing being on the show. He said it's going to be really tough when she's in the room with the strange guy fucking her.
Howard asked Jennifer if she pictures a really hot guy buying her virginity. She said she doesn't. Howard asked if she pictures some gross, smelly dude with smelly balls. Jennifer said she met one guy already who might be interested. She said he was handsome.
Howard said if you're interested in bidding on her virginity you can go to BunnyRanch.com. Howard and Robin weren't sure of the legality of the whole thing.
Howard asked Jennifer if she thinks that she'd go on selling her body. Jennifer said she wants to sell it and then just go on to have a normal life. Howard asked what she'll do if she has some guy with a huge schlong buy her virginity. Jennifer said she'd prefer a small one she thinks.
Howard said this is another remarkable moment on the show. Jill said that they named her wrong and they should have named her Vir-Jen. Howard asked Jen if she's ever gotten wet in her vagina area. She said she's not sure why but she has.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is going to be a bloody mess. He said she has nothing to offer to the guy sexually. Howard said it could be a fiasco psychologically. He said it could turn into a disaster. Howard said Robin was a young girl masturbating with meats and vegetables. Robin said she started that in her teens. Howard said she was using cucumbers and things like that. Howard asked what she thinks about that. Jennifer said she never thought about it.
The caller asked if Howard TV is going to bid for the rights for the video. Jennifer said she wouldn't want that being taped. Robin asked if Jill's other daughter is going to do the same thing. Jill said that they have quite a ways to go for that. Jill said she doesn't want that happening. Jill said that she's actually a special needs child. Howard said it's smart not to tell her about this.
A caller told Jennifer that this could get quite messy and asked if she knows that. Jennifer said she has read about it. She said she knows what to expect. The caller said that it could be a real mess if it's some big black guy fucking her for the first time.
Howard said he wishes them luck with this whole thing. Howard said he heard they taped the Maury Povich show and the audience booed them. Jennifer said she thinks that they were more upset with her mom for backing her up in this. Jill said she doesn't want her to feel bad about herself so she's going to support her. Howard asked what she says no to. Jill said she's been thinking about this for a couple of years so she's going to let her do what she wants. Jill said she does have rules for her at home.
Howard said he heard that Maury put in a bid for her virginity. Jennifer said she hadn't heard that. Howard asked if she would do Maury if he won. Jennifer seemed to be fine with that. Howard said he may put in a bid on that too. He asked if he can bring his wife along. Jennifer said that would be fine. Howard asked if Jennifer likes girls. She said she really doesn't. Howard asked if she's ever kissed a girl. Jennifer said no to that too.
Howard asked Jen if she would do Osama bin Laden for 5 million. Jennifer said that's a lot of money. She said she would consider it for that kind of money. Howard asked if she would do anal with Jay Leno if he asked for it. Jennifer said that she's not sure about that. Howard told her it was a one shot deal for 2 million. Jennifer said she guesses she would do that.
Howard asked her if she would let a guy finish on her face, do ass to mouth and it was the Pope. Would she do that for 5 million. She didn't answer that one.
Howard asked when the bidding is starting. Jennifer said it starts today. Howard asked what the minimum bid is. She said she would like to get a million. Howard asked if she would have sex with a dog for 15 million. Jennifer said she won't do that. She said that was sick. Howard said he was just trying to figure it all out.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if a girl bids and gets her for 3 or 4 million. Jennifer said no. She said that's not what she's looking for. Jennifer said that's not her direction. Howard asked if she's ever had a girl hit on her. Jennifer said she doesn't think so.
Howard said this was all going down a weird avenue. He said that Jennifer is a very attractive girl. He said that her mom is a wild woman too. Howard said that she's quite the saleswoman too. Howard asked if Jill is getting a cut of the money. Jill said she's not. Jennifer said this is for her so she can go to college.
Howard asked if Jennifer would be chained to a wall while she's getting fucked. She said that was a little much. Howard asked if she's going to just lay on her back and have a guy fuck her. She said there are other positions that she's read about. Howard said it's no fun getting banged by some animal. Jill said it can be fun. Howard gave them some more plugs for the BunnyRanch.com web site and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard came back and said he saw Cami from the Bunny Ranch during the break and she said that Jennifer wanted to get naked. Howard said he's not sure that's the case. Gary said that he asked Cami about it and she won't give him a straight answer. Howard said he wanted to know if she would have removed her clothing for her. Howard said that might be against the law. Cami said that she thinks that guys should be able to see what they're buying. She said that would be like selling a car without showing pictures of it. Cami said she should get naked and show something. Howard said she's right comparing it to a car.
Howard asked Cami if she really thinks that she can get a million for her virginity. Cami said she's not sure what it's worth. She said she lost her virginity long ago so she's not sure what it's worth today. She said she lost it and didn't sell it and she has no regrets. She said she liked the guy she was with for the first time. She said they had a good time when they did that. Cami said she was 17 at the time and it was important to her to lose it to someone she liked.
Howard said that Cami must have had experiences with guys that she didn't want to be with at the Bunny Ranch. Cami said of course that happens. She said that maybe Jennifer is a-sexual. She said that she was masturbating at 4 so she doesn't get why a girl wouldn't do that. She didn't even know why she was doing it at 4 but she was doing it.
Howard said he should have had Cami in there during the interview. Howard said that maybe she could have talked her out of the whole thing. Howard asked if she's going to teach her things. Cami said she's going to teach her how to blow a guy with a dildo. Howard asked if she would do that now. She said she would.
Sal came in with a dildo and a banana. They got Jennifer to come back in too. Cami took the black dildo that Sal had brought in. Howard asked what she's going to teach her. Cami said she would teach her how to do the blow job.
Cami showed Jennifer what to do and told her to kiss the head and flick her tongue on the rim. She said that she should tongue the hole too but Howard said that's too sensitive. Cami also told her to suck the balls. Howard said she sounds pretty good.
Howard asked Jen if she was a good teacher. Jen said she was. Howard said that Cami said that she thinks she should keep her virginity for someone she loves. Jen said she knew that already.
Howard asked Jen if she wanted to get naked. Jen wasn't looking for that. Howard said he thought he heard that right. Howard let the girls go after that. Howard said god only knows what goes on at that Bunny Ranch.
Howard asked Gilbert if he has a stylist. Gilbert laughed. Howard asked if Gilbert has ever broken a hymen. Gilbert said he hasn't. Howard goofed on him about that and asked if he gets bored with comedy. Gilbert said that he doesn't find it exciting now. He said there must have been some in the beginning since there was no money in it.
Howard asked Gilbert about who the guys are that become the great comedians. Gilbert said it's not the guys who say everyone at work tells them that they're funny. Howard asked if he sits around and watches the other comics. Gilbert said he can't. He said he can't stand watching comedy. Howard asked if they don't make him laugh. Gilbert said that you just sit there saying ''Oh, that's funny... that's smart...'' but that's not really a laugh.
Gilbert said he doesn't watch the other acts so he can't comment on their material when they ask him to. Howard said he is an elder statesmen of comedy now so that's why people ask for that. Howard asked if he wouldn't like that role. Gilbert doesn't seem to have any interest in that. Gilbert said he will pat himself on the back if he tells a comic ''Good luck'' and pats them on the back.
Howard asked Gilbert about opening up for the GoGos once. He was asked not to curse since there were kids in the audience. Gilbert said he started out clean but that didn't work so he eventually told some cunt jokes. Howard asked if he remembers any of the jokes. Gilbert said the most gross one was ''What's red and climbs up a woman's leg? A home sick abortion.'' He said from then on it got worse. Howard asked if he just lost it that night. Gilbert said that's what it was. He said he got off stage and no one was looking at him or talking to him like a witch in Salem. Gilbert said his agent called him that night and he told him that everyone loves him. He said that's like a girl telling you that you're a great guy.
Howard said Gilbert comes on the show and uses the N-word and does dirty material but then Disney hires him to do characters in family movies. Howard said that Gary's kids are thrilled that he's on the show today because they love him in the cartoons he's in.
Howard asked if kids recognize him from his voice. Gilbert said parents will point out who he is. Howard asked if he just does the same voice in every movie. Gilbert said he does one cartoon called Cyber Chase and he plays a bird in that. He plays a bird in everything.
Gilbert said that he has to go in and record new Aflack commercials even though the only thing he says is ''Aflack.'' He said they have him record it in different ways so they have him doing it in different ways all day long. He said that if he'd drowning or something in the commercial then he'll put water in his mouth. He said he sounds like Artie when he does that.
Howard asked if he has spoken to Artie about what happened to him. Gilbert said he was at the Tonight Show thinking about Artie and Greg Giraldo. He said he spoke to Greg's manager and about 10 minutes later he was told that Greg had died. Howard said he started tweeting jokes about his death too. Gilbert said he did that and asked if they cremate Greg, will that be the Greg Giraldo roast? He said he also said that his family was going to send him Greg's towels with GG embroidered on them.
Howard asked Gilbert if he hesitated for a second about those tweets. Gilbert said he didn't hesitate at all. He said TMZ picked up on it and they did a poll about whether or not it was hilarious or horrible and it was split 50/50. Howard asked if he has to come out with the inappropriate jokes first. Gilbert said that's what it is. He said he had a 9/11 joke at the Hugh Hefner roast that people got upset about. He said he had to fly back to New York but he didn't get a direct flight, he had to make a stop at the Empire State Building.
Howard said he can't rely on Gilbert to be sentimental at all. Howard asked what he will tweet when he finds out he's dead. Gilbert said he feels himself panicking already. He said he has to figure out what to tweet. Howard said he could say that his nose is still sticking out of the ground even though they buried him.
Howard had a clip of Gilbert talking about Artie's stabbing. He played that clip from Superfan Roundtable where Mutt was asking Gilbert about Artie and Gilbert said that he was the one who told him to take a bunch of drugs and try stabbing yourself repeatedly. He was joking about the suicide attempt and saying that he was the one who told Rite to do it.
Howard asked Gilbert if he has heard from Artie since then. He hasn't. Howard asked if he ever gets sentimental at all. Gilbert said only if it's about him. Howard asked what he tweeted about Robin. Gilbert said he joked about how ''those people sure can run'' and ''imagine if you gave her a basketball.'' Howard said that Gilbert doesn't know much about technology so how does he tweet. Gilbert said he just knows enough to hit the letters with his fingers. Howard asked Gilbert if he can email too. He said he has learned to do that.
Howard said Gilbert is doing a Shoedini commercial now. Howard said this product is something that's like a shoe horn but it has a pole on it so they don't have to bend down. Howard asked if he's being paid well for that. Gilbert said it paid okay. Howard played some of that commercial and said that's some delivery he has. Gilbert was just laughing at it.
Howard asked if he even has an agent who tells him not to do that kind of thing. Gilbert said he doesn't have one. Howard asked if they gave him a Shoedini and if he's tried using it. Gilbert said he has one but he hasn't taken it out of the package. He said he has a pocket size electric razor from that company too.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's heard from Greg Giraldo's family since his tweets. Gilbert said he hasn't, surprisingly. Howard asked if he knew Greg. Gilbert said he did know him from working with him. He said he didn't get into too many deep conversations with him.
Howard asked Gilbert about some of the other comedians and if he thinks that he's on the level of guys like Colin Quinn. Gilbert said that he's sure that they'd both be secretly hating each other for some reason.
Sal and Richard called in with Artie clips and had him yelling at Gilbert. Gilbert said he was really hurt and laughed. They had Artie telling Gilbert that he never got a phone call from him and that he was a piece of shit. Gilbert just laughed. Howard asked if he knew that wasn't really Artie. Gilbert didn't know. He didn't care either.
Howard said Gary ran into Gilbert's wife at his book party and he was just wondering how that could be his wife. They said it's like a kidnapping or something.
Howard asked Gilbert when he knew he had made it in his career. Gilbert said he never felt that way on Saturday Night Live. He said the whole thing was a disaster back then. Gilbert said he wasn't exited to get on the show and when he got there it turned out to be awful. Howard asked how he got on. Gilbert said he had to audition. He did some impressions and things to get the job.
Howard said that Gilbert is great when he does Dracula and he could have worked that into a regular bit. He asked if he wrote bits for himself. Gilbert said he did but he gave up quickly. Howard said Gilbert is so resistant to collaboration that he wouldn't do anything on the show.
Howard asked Gilbert why he didn't sit down and write something at SNL. He doesn't understand that. Gilbert said it's just totally self destructive stuff, just like Artie. Gilbert said he's like Brando looking at the business with disdain. Howard said he remembers when Billy Crystal was on he just laid out every character he had.
Gilbert said that everyone hated SNL that year he was on. He said that he was on with Eddie Murphy, Joe Piscopo and other people you wouldn't know. Gilbert said they had him on a sketch once and he played the corpse in the funeral scene. He said that was their way of showing what they thought of him on the show.
Howard said he had to convince Gilbert to come on the show and do his Andrew Dice Gottfried and when he did, it turned out to be a great bit. Gilbert remembered that moment and thought it was great. Howard asked why he didn't walk into the room at SNL and do something like that.
Gilbert said he did the old Groucho voice for that Cyber Chase cartoon. He said the character puts on glasses and a moustache so he did that voice.
Howard said he can't figure Gilbert out. He said back in the days of the channel 9 show he wanted to shape Gilbert into something. He said he could be so huge if he just did this, this and this. Howard said he believes in Gilbert's talents more than Gilbert even does. Gilbert said Howard should have been his agent.
Gilbert still does stuff that gets him banned from networks. Gary said that he did some dirty jokes and he got himself banned from FOX.
Robin said that Gilbert could go out and not make a fool out of himself and still be funny. Howard said he goes back and thinks about Gilbert. Howard said he stopped Sam Kinison from embarrassing himself at the Emmy Awards that one time. Gilbert said that he was the one with the scandal of the night. He said that Sam came up to him laughing that night since he was the one that everyone was worried about.
Howard said Gilbert has such talent and if he had walked out and did the Georgie Jessel character it would have been great. Gilbert said he's just a self destructive guy. Howard said he thinks that Gilbert likes to think of himself like an island. He doesn't want to collaborate with anyone.
Howard talked about some of the characters Gilbert does that he loves. Gilbert said he does another one and did an impression of a director he worked with. He said the guy got mad at him for doing an impression of him on the set of things that they worked on.
Howard said that Gilbert is a good friend of the show and he'll be at Caroline's next week. Howard noticed that his hand was shaking. Gilbert said he thinks it's from coffee. Howard asked if he's been tested for Parkinson's. He said he hasn't. He said he once had to apologize to Michael J. Fox for something he said about him and they made up. Then Michael said ''lets shake.''
Howard asked Gilbert if he cries. Gilbert said he doesn't. He couldn't remember the last time he did. Howard said he would imagine that a death would make him cry. Gilbert thought about it and didn't come up with anything.
Howard gave Gilbert a plug for his book ''Rubber Balls and Liquor'' which isn't due out until next year. You can pre-order it through the link. Gilbert said that it's not really a joke book. He said he has some stories in there but it's not too deep.
Howard said he saw that Gilbert got Gary's book for free. Gilbert said he got the free book but just flipped through it. Howard said he doesn't imagine that Gilbert ever gets too serious.
Howard said he should sit down and write a real book about his real life. Howard said he imagines it being the most dark and depressing book he's ever read.
Howard asked if Gilbert has ever fucked anyone famous. Gilbert said he never has. He said he never even fucked anyone who resembled famous. Howard asked if he ever paid for sex. Gilbert said he never did. Howard said he figured that was the way it was. Gilbert said Tony Curtis once said that if he didn't fuck the stars he was in movies with, he fucked their stand-ins. Howard said that guy was a character. He said he read some stuff about him and Jamie Lee Curtis' life must have been insane. Howard said the guy was like 80 and dating 18 year olds.
Gilbert said he saw Marty Allen recently and he's working with his wife now. He said he saw Fivish Finkel too. He said he loves old Hollywood like that. Gilbert was talking about all of that and started to sing some Yiddish stuff. Howard said that could have been a great character on SNL. Gilbert said if he was there back then they would have had something to write.
Howard gave Gilbert some more plugs and Gilbert said that he's got some new stuff on his web site GilbertGottfried.com. He said he has a short film that he made on there called ''The Scary Monster'' and he thinks that it's pretty funny. Howard said his favorite moment was when he called Swap Shop. It was actually Sal and Richard using Gilbert audio drops to call Swap Shop. Gilbert laughed his ass off hearing the call. They just used clips of him making noises and laughing and then some clips of him doing his black voice and then his old Groucho Marx voice. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that someone was asking when the Jay-Z interview will be up on Howard TV. He said that Doug told him it should be up tomorrow night by midnight.
Howard said Gilbert was out in the hall spitting on the cupcakes because it drives Lisa G nuts. The Howard TV guys had some video of him doing that. Doug was in the hall asking which one he spit in. Gilbert was just laughing after spitting in one and putting it back. Howard said Doug would entertain that all day long.
Howard said Shuli has a Lisa G game to play. He gives them 3 things that she said in the newsroom but one is fake. Shuli said it's actually one real one and two fake ones.
Howard said that Lisa will just blurt out stuff in the news room. Shuli writes them down and posts some on a Twitter account. Shuli gave a few examples and had Howard and Robin trying to pick out the real one. The first one was ''Uh oh, Bowling, a Dying industry.'' That was something that she just blurted out in the news room one day.
Howard got Sour Shoes on the phone to play Shuli's game. Shuli said the guy is creepiest when he's speaking in his regular voice. Howard asked him if he liked Billy Joel yesterday. Sour said he loved it and he wrote a song over the weekend. Howard asked if he was gay. Sour didn't give a straight answer. They spent a minute talking but Sour kept changing his voice into a little baby voice and things like that.
Howard asked Shuli if he's ever eaten the food he brings up there. Shuli said he has. He said he's not sure if anyone else has eaten his stuff.
Shuli said that Sour comes up there and he just has a pile of stuff he brings in there. He said Sour will just vanish for a few minutes while his pile of stuff is laying in the middle of the floor. He said the guy is very odd.
Howard said that he didn't know that this was sour's real voice. He said he thought this was something he was putting on. Sour was telling a boring story so Howard just told him to do his singing voice instead.
Howard had Shuli play his game with Sour. Shuli read three possible quotes and Sour had to guess which one was actually Lisa's quote.
Sour picked the third one. He was right. Robin had picked that one as well. Sour asked if he could play the song he wrote over the weekend. Howard told him to go ahead and do it. Howard even talked it up for him. Howard said he's not sure why he's doing that for Sour. Sour performed his song and it was quite a production. Howard ended up cutting him off and put him on hold. He won $500 from Whey Protein.
Howard had Shuli play some more of his game. Shuli gave them ''Oh god Yom Kippur is on a weekend this year.'' Howard cut him off sand said that was the one.
Shuli gave them some more and the guys guessed that it was ''I have not used a tea kettle in years.'' Howard said that Shuli is building a whole career on those quotes.
Steve said that Gary's book is in it's 5th printing now and that means it's over 120,000 copies. Howard said he had a clip of a reporter goofing on Gary's pitches on Kimmel's show. In the clip the woman said that Gary throws like a girl. Howard said he liked how the guy screwed up Gary's name saying it was ''Dell'Abonte'' too. Howard had some other clips of people talking about Gary. He had Dan Patrick talking about him on his show. Dan was saying he felt bad for Gary when he threw the first pitch at the Mets game. Then he went on Kimmel and hit someone in the audience. They went on for a little while talking about that. Gary said he's going to be on his show next Tuesday.
Steve got back to his news preview and ran down some more stuff that they have about Gary's book signing's. Steve said that Gary was at a music shop out in California and they say that ''Angry Alice'' shops out there. Howard said he's not sure why they're buying into her changing her name. He said that she's ''Crazy Alice'' to him. Howard said that he's not changing her name.
Steve said that today is the 25th anniversary of Ronnie the Limo Driver going full time driving for Howard.
Howard and Steve ended up having a deep voice comparison. They were going back and forth just showing how deep they were. Howard said that sometimes Booker will come to his house and when he wakes up in the morning he shows off his deep voice. Howard had Robin judging who was deeper. Robin said it was a tough call. She said that Howard's voice is much richer.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon did his Neil Young impression again last night and he did that while doing ''Whip My Hair'' with Bruce Springsteen coming out and doing back up vocals. Howard said he thought that was pretty cool for Jimmy. Howard said Jimmy's Neil Young is right on target. He played some of the audio of that. Howard and Robin got some laughs out of that. Howard said the guy has a good voice. Howard said he has to see the visual. Howard said the crowd goes nuts when Bruce comes out. He let the clip play and then Bruce comes out to huge cheers from the crowd. They covered the whole song. Howard said that Bruce was dressed like 70s Bruce. Jon Hein said that Neil Young impression is incredible. Howard said Jimmy can really sing. He was playing guitar and harmonica too.
Ralph said that song was rather enjoyable. He said that it was enjoyable and not even that funny. Jon said that he also thinks that if Jimmy Kimmel knew that Gary was going to be so bad at throwing the ball they would have switched positions. Ralph said if they knew he was going to have a wild pitch they wouldn't have had him throwing it into the audience.
Howard took a call from Wheels who asked if he had seen Dancing with the Stars last night. Howard said he's behind a bit. He missed it last night. Robin told him Brandi got kicked off. Howard said that Bristol Palin is the worst dancer and even he could beat him. Howard said if she wins then he's leaving America. Howard said she's the first person on that show to get fatter. He said that's almost impossible when you're dancing that hard. Wheels said she's lost weight. Howard said he watches the show and he knows she hasn't. They spent a few minutes talking about the show and how strange it is that Jamie Lee Curtis is sitting there every week. Howard said he heard she's there because she wants to get on the show. He said Jennifer Grey wants to win that thing so badly. He said he hopes that Bristol Palin beats her just so he can see Jennifer have a nervous breakdown.
Howard said that he's better than Bristol but Wheels didn't believe that was true. He said that he's seen Howard dance. Howard hung up on Wheels when he started to argue about the Green Lantern. Howard said he was irritating him today. Howard spent a little longer talking about Dancing with the Stars and how he wants to see Bristol and Jennifer in the final dance off. He said he wants to see Jennifer have a nervous break down. Howard said that Brandi was getting 10s every time she danced. He said the judges must have been going nuts.
Howard told Gilbert about how Greg Fitzsimmons badgered him to write one for him and he hates it. Howard said he loves Gilbert but he doesn't want to write it. Gilbert said he would ask and he knew he wouldn't do it. Howard said this is killing him. He let him go and asked him to never ask him for anything again. He knew it took a lot for Gilbert to even ask.
Howard said he had the opening sentence for the foreword though. He said it would be ''Gilbert is a cheap Jew...'' He said he'd have to see how it goes from there.
Howard said that really broke his heart to tell him no. He said it really does. Now it'll be another month in therapy to get him over that. He said Gilbert reminds him of a damaged woman and it breaks his heart. He said that was the most difficult thing to say no to the guy.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through the stuff they were going to try and cover on today's show. Howard went to break after that.
Robin read a story about Rosie O'Donnell having some biopsies done and found that she doesn't have any cancer. Howard said he didn't know she had a scare. Robin said she had both breasts biopsied and they said that everything is okay.
Robin said that Sarah Palin's daughter Willow is in the news for using some homophobic slurs to attack someone on Twitter. Robin said that her comments were aimed at a school acquaintance. Robin also read about how Bristol is saying that she will remain abstinent until she gets married. she's already had a kid though. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin asked Howard what kind of coffin he'd like to be buried in. Howard said he wants to be buried above ground with a blue interior. Rich, dark blue. Howard said he never thought about the coffin. He said he doesn't want to be burned up. Robin asked if he thought about the look of the coffin. Howard said he never did. He knows he doesn't want a KISS coffin though. Robin said that in Germany there are some people who have coffins for gay men with pictures of men in classic gay sex poses.
Robin read about a publicist that was gunned down on a Los Angeles street. Robin said that she died of multiple shots that were fired into her car as she was driving home. Howard said maybe someone ID'd her car wrong or something. Robin said they don't have any suspects or a motive for the attack.
Robin read about this producer that's due in court for allegedly killing his wife. Robin said he was arrested on Tuesday, 7 months after his wife was killed.
Robin read a story about Chuck Schumer talking about how they want to ban caffeinated alcoholic beverages. Howard said he'd never even think of mixing the two. Howard said he gets tired after drinking and he'd never even think to add caffeine.
Robin read about how the airports have a more invasive pat down and people are upset about the invasiveness of them. Howard said that the virgin they had there went through airport security and she's not a virgin anymore. Robin had some audio of some people talking out against the new security measures like Captain Sully Sullenberger. Howard said Benjy liked the pat downs so much he went through the line 12 times. Howard did a quick live commercial after that.
Robin read about the Medal of Honor that President Obama gave to a soldier this week. Robin had some audio of Obama talking about that. Robin read some more details and had some audio of the soldier who got the medal.
Robin read about Prince William getting engaged and said she couldn't believe the hubbub that was being made over that whole thing. Howard said the chick is pretty hot and she's wearing Lady Di's ring. Robin said that ring might be bad luck. Robin had some audio of some people talking about that. Howard was wondering what it must be like growing up not worrying about having money. Robin said that the queen went on the honeymoon with Prince Charles and Lady Di. Howard said he thinks he could put up with that. Robin said that you'd like to be running your own life at some point. Howard said he likes it. He was born to be a prince, a big, ugly prince. Robin had some audio of the woman that William got engaged to. Howard said it sounds like she's got marbles in her mouth. He did an impression of what he thought she sounded like to some music that Fred played. Howard said he was asking himself the same questions about her being into William that he gets from people. He said he wondered how she could be into that guy. Meanwhile people wonder how Beth can be into him. Robin said that he could never be a rock star because he has to be the prince. He has no choice. She said he has royal duties to do. Fred threw in a Beavis and Butt-Head laugh when she said ''duties.''
Robin read about Charles Rangle being found guilty of 11 ethics violations. Howard said the guy is pretending like it's not even happening. Howard said the guy is like 80 years old and he's not sure what he's waiting for. Robin had some audio of Rangle talking about how he's not going anywhere. He said that the voters have spoken and he's not leaving office.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks Gilbert was serious about the book foreword thing. Howard said he thinks he was. Robin thought so too. The caller also thought that the Billy Joel interview was great. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Robin read about the new Michel Jackson album that's coming out. She had some preview clips of his new song with Akon. Howard said if he really wanted the song to come out you'd think that he would have released it back in 2007 when they recorded it. Howard said he's not sure why people think he's so great. He said he's kind of boring. Robin said it was great when he started doing it.
Robin said that some super heroes are returning to TV. Howard said he wanted to talk about that. He said that they're bringing Batman and the Incredible Hulk back to TV. Robin said that they say it'll be a while before they come back. It might be a couple of years before they make it to TV. Robin said it could be 2014 before Batman makes it back.
Robin read about Oprah Winfrey having Barbra Streissand on her show. She had a quick clip from that interview.
Robin had more about John Waters book. She had some audio of him talking about some of the stuff he wrote about in his book. Howard wondered why they're talking about his book.
Ralph called in and said that he had a correction for Robin. He said that she had it wrong about the guy who is working on the Hulk. He said that he produced the shitty Bionic Woman series they brought back a couple of years ago. He said he didn't create Battlestar Galactica. He said the show could turn out to be good though.
Ralph told Howard to check out ''Human Target'' tonight. He also said that ''The Walking Dead'' series on AMC is really good too.
Ralph also told Howard that he should have Billy Joel back on the show. Howard said he was up all night last night writing new questions for Billy Joel. He said he may not even get another interview with him. Ralph said he's all for having him back on.
Robin had some audio of Emma Watson talking about the new Harry Potter movie. Howard said he had no idea what she was saying with that accent of her's. Howard said that's why a lot of the English can't make it here. Howard said he'd had it for the day. It was after 11 already.
Robin had a little more to go through. She had some clips of another guy with an accent talking about the new movie Burlesque. Howard cut that off.
Robin read about Brandi being kicked off Dancing with the Stars. She also read about Britney Spears' parents getting back together after being apart for 8 years. Howard said maybe they wanted to make some more famous babies. Howard and Robin ended the show a short time later, right around 11:00.
Jon ran down the other stuff that they were going to cover today. They talked about Gilbert Gottfried and how he called in and he didn't think it was really him. He said that he did some research and figured out it was really him. Then he told him why he was calling in about forgetting to ask Howard about the book foreword. Gary said he obviously didn't know what went on with Greg Fitzsimmons. He said it was great when he told Howard to pick up the phone. He said everyone who listens to the show knows not to ask for a book foreword.
Jon said that Howard really felt bad about saying no to him. Robin came in and said that she saw Howard's eyes rolling into his head when he heard the question. She told Howard to say no to him. Robin said she still finds it ridiculous that Howard wrote the foreword for Greg Fitzsimmons. Robin said it's just crazy. Benjy thinks that Gilbert will get one from Howard. He said that he thinks Howard will write one because of what he was saying about Gilbert being like a damaged woman. Benjy said there's a different kind of appreciation that Howard has for a guest who has been on the show for like 25 years.
Gary asked if it even helps to write a foreword for a book. Robin said it probably helped Artie's book. Jon said he's not sure if it will help Greg's book or not. Robin said there was more conversation about his book because of that whole thing so maybe it will.
Robin said that they were like Gilbert's family at one time. Howard has seen his stand-up and much more. Gary said he might be a little upset if Howard writes one for him. Benjy said he could still put one in there for the paperback. Gary said he wouldn't do that. Gary said he's more upset about Greg getting the picture of Beth in his book. He said he'd take that over the foreword. Jon asked if he would take one if Howard said he would do it. Gary said he would of course. He said that he's not fishing for one though. He wanted to make that clear.
Robin said that the only time Howard should write a foreword is if he offers to do one for someone. He said no one should be asking Howard to write one. Gary said maybe he shouldn't close the door on all forewords. He said if Steve Martin asked then maybe Howard would be happy to do that.
Gary said that Howard doesn't just want to put his name on just anything. He wants some control over that. He said that's why he doesn't put out T-shirts and coffee mugs. He may not want to get stuck in a book that he doesn't know about.
Jon said he just saw Ronnie walk by and he's really proud that he's been there for 25 years. Robin said that must be why he's been standing in the hallway making noise today. Gary said there was someone there today saying that they could tell Ronnie was running the hallways there. He said that they didn't know what he did there but they knew Ronnie was in charge of the halls.
Gary asked Robin if she's worried about the future of the show. Robin said she doesn't worry. Gary said he thinks that it's an emotional thing for Robin. Robin said she doesn't think of the show ending. She doesn't even consider it. Robin said she knows nothing. Gary said he could see canary feathers coming out of her mouth.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked him about his 25th anniversary working for the Howard Stern Show. Ronnie said that he drive Howard to a local TV show and it was a really weird day. He said they had to rush up there and some general manager had them over to his house near Hartford. He said it was a really strange day. Ronnie said he got a callback to do some other stuff like driving Howard to Club Bene. He said he met Don at the show and he asked for his card and then the whole K-Rock thing came.
Gary asked when he started to get paid regularly. Ronnie said he was doing stuff in between with Howard and the Today Show. Then they moved to mornings and he was doing the opposite of what he was doing when they were in the afternoons. He said he was also driving John Gambling for a while. Ronnie said John Gambling would ask him what Howard was up to when he'd pick him up to do his show.
Ronnie said that there have been a lot of things that happened in the past 25 years. Mike Gange has been there for like 20 years too. Gary said that he's only at 26 and a half. He said that he's in his 27th year now. Ronnie said that if they go another couple of years then Scott the Engineer will have been there for 25 years too. Gary said he remembers Scott starting with them and how grateful he was to start there with them.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Gilbert hasn't been on more often. Gary said that Gilbert is the one who calls and asks to be on the show. He said today was also a rebooking from about a month and a half ago when Gilbert had to cancel. The caller asked why he doesn't sit in on the news. Gary said they haven't done that in a long time. He said that they don't do that anymore with anyone. The caller said that Gilbert is the guy who started the whole thing. Gary said that's right but they ended it. Robin said she was always exhausted after a newscast with Gilbert. Gary said the most memorable one was the Black Kluge show where Gilbert kept saying that ''Black Kluge'' thing over and over throughout the news.
Jon said with Gilbert there's always a moment when you think he's going to have a sincere moment and it never comes. He said today Howard was talking about SNL and he ended up going off on another tangent instead of getting sincere. Gary said they got more out of him today than usual. He was answering questions.
Jon asked Robin if she thinks that Gilbert is a ''lazy genius.'' Robin said she thinks that he's arrogant. It's almost like a Pat Cooper kind of thing where he thinks that he's funnier than everyone else and he refuses to collaborate with anyone else.
Gary said he thought it was interesting that Gilbert said it wasn't a turning point for him when he got on SNL. They spent a minute talking about that and then went to break.
Jon said that Jennifer had her mother's approval when it came to that. Will said that she really did. He said she was encouraging her to do it so it gave it a strange twist. It all had to do with their show too because the mom heard the other girl selling her virginity on the show.
Jon said that this girl claimed she hadn't seen a penis in person until Sal showed his. Gary said he'd like to know what will happen after this. He asked if it would change things for the guy who buys her virginity if she ends up working at the Bunny Ranch regularly. Will said he thought she was really hot.
Jon said that Sal went in there with a ''sincere'' approach. Gary said he told Sal not to go in there just waving it around. He told him to be nice about it. They talked about how ugly his penis is and Benjy said they might be into a different look than Sal's penis. Gary said of course they are. He said that his penis has a nice shape. Will agreed.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that the mother is pimping this girl out and it's not right. Gary said the girl is 18 though so she can do whatever she wants. The woman said that the parents should be encouraging her to go to college and not sell her virginity. Will said that it is good money though is if she can get that kind of money, why not try. The caller didn't think it was right.
Gary said it's basically being a prostitute and it's not so much about the virginity. Will said that they're struggling financially and they're doing what they can to make money. Gary asked if he would let a guy fuck him in the ass for a million bucks. Will said that's a different thing.
Shuli said they have girls in there all the time from the Bunny Ranch so he's not sure why they're so upset by this one girl. Gary said that was a good point.
Jon asked Sal what the virgin thought of his penis. Gary said she was like a deer caught in headlights. He said she seemed shocked by the whole thing. Jon asked what he found hot about her mom. Jon said the fact that she's whoring out her daughter was hot to him. He said that makes him feel like she'd be wild in bed. Shuli asked if they were both available to him, which one would he do. Sal said he would do the daughter and the mom would have her nose buried in his ass.
Sal said he was going to put money in his pouch and play ''Lets Make a Deal'' with them. Sal said that if you look at women who listen to this show there are probably a lot of them who would do something just like this girl. He said he has no doubt that a good majority of women would do it. Sal said he has no doubt about that. Will said that he hates to admit it but he thinks that he might be right.
Sal said that there are women out there looking to hook up with guys on PlentyOfFish.com and they're all just looking for stability which is money. He said they all want security and that's all just money. He said it's a form of prostitution.
Benjy said that he thinks that a girl has more of a stigma attached to them than a guy would if he was doing the same kind of thing. Benjy asked Jon if it's a bad thing to be labeled as a slut. Will asked if it's a slut when you have sex with just one person.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't believe that girl has never been felt up or been seen naked. Benjy said she came off pretty sincere. Will said she was and she wasn't very sexual either. Shuli said she had a look in her eyes like she had no idea what was going on.
The caller asked if it was some kind of shtick. Gary didn't think it was. Will said that Dennis Hof gets 50 percent of the cut too. The caller asked Gary if he's going to Texas to do a book signing. Gary said he doesn't right now but he could if the book keeps selling.
Another caller said he would want to do her without a rubber if he was paying a million bucks. Gary said he's with him on that. Benjy said that even a blow job was with a rubber with that girl. Gary said ''Oh my god...'' They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about how it's that time of the year for History of Howard Stern. He said part 4 will be airing the last two weeks in December. It premiers on the 20th of December. Howard said they have a poster for it and they show him putting his penis in the cement at Graumans. Howard said that's actual penis too. Robin said it could be a turd. Howard said he had to pose for that. He said the poster is available for download on Sirius.com or HowardStern.com or something like that. Howard said he's not actually sure.
Howard said he's pissed at Tim now. He said he has told him for 5 years to leave him alone after the show. He said he was bothering him with this poster thing after the show. Howard said he can't hear a word he's saying after the show. Howard said he had dry mouth and he was tired but Tim bothers him anyway. Howard said he doesn't want to talk after the show.
Howard said it wasn't just Tim either. He said that Doug Goodstein was out there and other people were in the hall. Gary said he noticed that.
Howard saw Benjy's face and saw that he was all sweaty and gross looking. Benjy said that he'd wipe his face. He said he had some cream on his face because it was dry. Howard said cream isn't good for your face. He told him to leave it natural. The cream is all bullshit. Howard asked if Fred noticed that. Fred said he didn't until Howard pointed it out. Howard said Benjy puts people off with that look. Howard said it's not cream, it's sweat on his face. Benjy said he rides his bike into work so that might be why he's sweating. Howard said he wears a ski cap so that traps the heat in there. Fred said it's like a pig in a blanket. Howard said that's an analogy that will go down in history.
Howard said he was in a good mood a few minutes ago but now he's annoyed. Howard said there is no note about where people can get that History of Howard Stern poster. Howard said his head is spinning after the show and Tim was bothering him yesterday. He said he's told Tim that he has to rest after the show but he must not hear him. Howard said he needs 20 minutes to rest and he's fine. Howard said he's been telling Tim that for 5 years now. Howard said he got out yesterday and Tim was right on him about the poster.
Howard said he couldn't hear what Tim was saying to him but he won't stop. Howard said he's already neurotic and then he feels guilty about blowing him off so he tells him he'll have a meeting with him.
Howard said Tim does it during the show sometimes too. He said he has to talk to Gary during the break and then Tim comes in and bothers him. He said it's just too many people. Howard said there were a bunch of people in the halls bothering him and maybe it's because they're going to be leaving in a few days.
Gary said he's a little surprised because the hall was clear yesterday after the show. Howard said Doug Goodstein and Gump came out and he likes to see them but he just needs to get to his office to rest. Gary said that sometimes people ask him first. Howard said they must not listen now.
Howard said it's enough with this book tour of Gary's. He said he's out on the road too much. Howard said most book tours are 2 weeks tops. He said Gary shouldn't be out for months at a time. Howard said he should do a couple of signings and then it's over. Howard said Gary is out for like 2 months. Howard said the fans bought the book and it's enough already. Howard said he knows he loves meeting people but it's enough.
Gary said that he has another week and a half or so. He said he has a little bit in a week or so and that's it. He said that it's Ronnie that should be clearing the halls for Howard. Gary said he walked into the studio and talked to Howard and he can't control the halls if he's not out there. He said that's Ronnie's job.
Howard told Gary and Ronnie to work it out. Howard said Doug Goodstein was out there and he is a very social guy. Ronnie came in and said that Gump was out there and Doug just happened to be talking to him. He said they were the only ones in the hall. Howard said Tim was out there too though. He said he just needs to get to his office to rest.
Howard said Tim wants to show him this poster but he doesn't have to do it right after the show. He said he doesn't even have the information to tell people where to download it.
Howard took a call from a guy who was about to rip into him. Howard said he had to explain himself some more first. Howard said that Doug doesn't give a shit about him and he'll just bother him even if he asks him not to. Howard said he has an intensity with the show so he can give everyone the best show he can. He said he's worn out after the show. He has one rule about the hall so he can go back and rest. He said he just needs time to collect his thoughts. Howard said if Tim is asking questions then he can't answer them.
The caller said that he has the same intensity about his work. Howard said that he must need a break too. The caller said he gets a lunch break but there are days that he doesn't get a break. Howard said he has the same problem. He said that these guys don't need to bother him. He said he just needs that 20 minutes to rest and collect himself.
Howard said Tim will come and talk to him and he has no idea what he's saying. He just hears noise. Gary said that there's still a lot of times that Tim comes in and hovers. He said if he needs to talk to Howard about something he should let him know first.
Howard said he just needs to collect his thoughts after the show and then he's back in. He wanted the caller to know that. He said he would never complain if he could just get that 20 minutes. The caller said he'll straighten Tim out for Howard if he wants. Howard said he has tried not to be a Prima Donna in the past 20 years. He said he just needs that 20 minutes.
Ronnie said he tried to tell those guys that Howard was still in the studio but they wouldn't listen. Howard said he should take them and throw them out the window if they don't listen. Howard said he was so neurotic that he had to talk to Gump just so he'd think he remembered him.
Howard told Ronnie he could go after that. Robin said she's not sure why Tim doesn't get it that he doesn't want him out there. She said she knows he's talked to him about it before and Tim just keeps doing it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Howard is right. He said that Gump hasn't been around for 9 years so he should have known better. Howard said Doug likes him to see people he doesn't want to see. He said he saw Doug and his wife Marlo and their kids up there the other day. He said he didn't need to have the green room door open but he did. He said he knew that he wanted him to see them up there so he had to stop in and see the kids and the wife. Howard said he saw them there and had to stop in to say hi so he wouldn't look like a dick.
Robin said she saw that happen. She knew that Howard had to stop in there that day. Howard said Doug has worked with him for like 100 years now. He said that it's right after the show so he knows that it's Doug saying that he has to see his family. Howard said no one gives a fuck about his family but Doug wants everyone to see them. Howard said he doesn't have to expose the rest of them to his family.
Howard said he stopped in and said hi to the kids and the wife. Howard isn't sure why he did that but he did. Howard said he has the opposite upbringing of Doug. Howard said his parents never had pictures of his kids in his wallet. They didn't care about anyone's kids and they didn't want anyone seeing their kid pictures. Howard said they do have pictures of him as a kid but they didn't brag about it. Howard said he had to be charming with Doug's wife. Meanwhile he just wanted to go back to his office to rest.
Howard said he's interested in Doug's family but not at that moment. Howard said he's just rocked after the show. He said the kids are adorable. He said that Audrey is cute and Doug's wife Marlo is still hot. He said he was happy to see that. He told Doug to just steer clear of him after the show.
Robin said that she saw Gump out there but she had no idea who it was at first. She said that no one told her he was there either. They just let him stand there glaring at her. Doug said that the show was way over when that was going on. Howard said Doug must know when the show is over. Howard said lining people up in the hall at that point is not the right time. Doug said he's totally responsible for that. He said he has never had this discussion with him before. Howard said he had but Doug said it hadn't happened.
Howard asked Doug to respect what he's saying. He said he can have people up there but just don't bring them out to meet him. He said he just wants to be left alone for those 20 minutes. Doug said that's fine.
Howard said Doug loves to set him up with people. Doug admitted he made the wrong call. Howard said Gump is looking older than he is at this point.
Howard said Robin was just being nice too. Robin said Gump really didn't look the same so she's glad that she recognized him. Howard said he didn't recognize him. Doug had to tell him who he was. Howard said they had both jerked off into the Masturbation machine. Howard said that's the male version of the Sybian. Howard said he tried that thing out and it was wild. He said he couldn't believe that he was going to blow a load into this machine on the air. He said he had to stop himself. Howard said he doesn't remember what happened in there actually. He said he'd prefer to think that he didn't.
Howard said guys don't need a machine to jerk off with. He said that's why that thing was just too much. Howard said he's sure you'd be arrested for carrying this thing. He said no one was going to buy it. He said guys can jerk off at any time and get off. He said he could rub on the couch and cum. Howard said Gump ended up using it and that's what he was remembering. Robin said that might have been Gump's last day.
Gary said he remembers opening the door and seeing Gump using the machine. He said the noise was going on and he saw Gump and he looked like he had just shot heroin so he shut the door.
Howard said he saw Tracy Morgan doing a bit about the way guys look when they cum and it was really funny. He said that must be the look that Gump had on his face.
Robin said that Howard's office is too far away from the studio. Howard said it's nice and quiet back there though. He said that people used to come through the halls there but they've put up a barrier to stop that. Howard said he comes out and he's fine after that 20 minute rest though. He said 20 minutes isn't being a Prima Donna.
Howard said Doug looks like he's got a Bar Mitzvah receiving line going on in the halls. He said that he had to put a stop to it. Howard said if he hadn't then there would be even more people out there every day. Howard said it became a whole thing out there. He said it was like another show.
Eric asked that they agree this is the end of his time on the show and that they don't talk about him on the show anymore. Howard said he can't control that. Eric said they have to give him money to do this bit. Howard said that's blackmail. He said he's not going to do that. Howard said he could make that happen but he won't do it since he didn't tell them that ahead of time. Howard said he's really ungrateful. Robin said she wanted to take Eric and shake him because of that.
Howard said he has no problem keeping his word, unlike Eric. Howard said he will do something if he says he's going to do it. He said he's not going to give into all of the demands. He won't give him money. Howard said he's going to continue talking about Eric when he's gone from the show too. He said he will comply with the other rules but not those two. Howard said if Eric is listening then he has to make up his mind in about 30 minutes.
Howard asked KC what happened up there to make him flip out allegedly. KC said that he was looking at 15 years in prison for those alleged charges. Howard asked why he would be so obsessed with her. KC said he allegedly broke her door down with his shoulder. He said they were fighting, allegedly, so she wasn't talking to him. He said he's an emotional guy so he got upset. Howard asked if she doesn't want anything to do with him now. KC said that she allegedly doesn't.
Howard said KC is a good looking guy and he could have just about anyone he wants. He drives them all crazy though. Robin asked if he understood the Mel Gibson tapes when he heard them. KC just laughed.
Howard asked what they were arguing about. KC said he didn't remember. He said he can be jealous though. Howard asked what would make him put his shoulder through a door allegedly. KC said he didn't have a lot of time to spend up there and she was busy doing other stuff. He said he was all the way up in Alaska visiting.
Howard said KC is like a little boy. He said his behavior is insane. KC said he knows that. Howard said she's not there for his pleasure. KC said that's what he thinks. Howard said KC is so handsome that he could fuck just about any girl. He asked why he would chase pussy up in Alaska when he can fuck anything he wants. KC said he planned to marry this girl. He said she was the love of his life.
KC said that this girl is very dedicated to her career and he was 100 percent wrong about what he allegedly did. He said he had 8 days in jail to think about that. He said he was in solitary for that whole time. He said they kept him in a tiny room like 8x10 with 4 guys. He said there was a sink and a toilet and they wouldn't let him out. Howard said they must really think he's psycho. KC said he was going crazy in there.
Robin said that KC knows the rules in other jails and this was different. Howard asked if he sees the downward spiral. KC said he does. He's the captain of it. Howard asked if he's still up on charges. KC said that he is and they have 4 class A misdemeanors and he could lose his bail money if he doesn't go back up there. He said that the charges are alleged and he's innocent. Howard said he's not going to testify but he'd have to testify against him if he did.
KC told Howard that he wasn't allowed to have his meds in there so he had to detox. He said he slept like 22 out of 24 hours a day the first couple of days. KC said he actually brought the guards donuts after he got out of there.
KC told Howard that he loves him so he has to admit this to him. He said as soon as he got out of jail he went to Walmart and saw a tall, Philippino chick there. He said he went up to the chick and said that he was going to be there for a few days and asked if she wanted to hang out. She was only 19 so he met her at this hotel. He said he made out with her at the hotel and he wasn't really into it. He said something was wrong though. KC said she kind of stalked him the next couple of days. He said that she gave him a note on his way out of there. He got on the plane and read the note and the woman told him that she has a secret and that secret was that she was a man dressed as a woman. Howard asked if he just made out with her or if it went further. KC laughed when Howard asked if she blew him. KC said she didn't but Howard asked how far it went. KC said he/she did grab his pin and started to jerk him off. He remembers thinking that she had big hands. Howard said that he didn't cum. Howard said he did too. KC said he really didn't.
Howard asked KC if he blew her clit. KC laughed and said no. Howard said he must have. KC said he got off the plane and told the guy that if he did it again they were going to beat the shit out of him. KC warned her that other guys wouldn't be so nice.
Howard asked Robin and Fred if they think KC knew he was a dude. They both thought he did. KC said he really didn't. He said she had curves and she looked like a woman. Fred played a bunch of Richard's KC song parodies as KC was trying to explain it all. Howard and Robin laughed.
Robin said she now believes that he didn't get any sex in jail. He got out of jail and got a guy. KC said he didn't know he was a guy. Howard said he must have liked it. KC said he didn't. Fred played some more KC song parodies. Howard asked how long they made out for. KC said he thinks he could feel stubble. He said that she was kind of hairy. Howard said it must have been a good hand job. KC said he wasn't into it and he didn't know what was going on. Howard said he thinks he got a blow job and KC just doesn't want to say it. KC said that's not true. He said he would admit it.
KC told Howard that he took a shower before being with the chick. He said that he told her that he was going to do that and she could talk to him in the shower. Howard said he does that because he knows he's good looking. KC said that he takes half a Viagra before that so he's packing half a 7. Howard said he had a million questions about this. He said the guy is so good looking that he can pick someone up just asking to hang out with them after getting out of jail.
Howard asked what happened after the shower. KC said that the chick had a nice ass and she was curvy. Howard asked what he was wearing. KC said she was wearing a skirt. Howard kept calling him a dude but KC kept saying it was a girl. Howard said that the guy was probably rubbing his cock while he was in the shower. He said that he tried to put his hand down there and she brushed his hand away.
KC said he was grabbing this chick's ass and it was a great ass. He said that she was kind of like not letting him take her shit off. Howard said she was uptight. Fred was doing his Herman Munster-like voice for this chick and doing an impression of her.
KC said he made out with the chicks for a couple of minutes. KC said he really didn't know that it was a guy. Howard asked if the dude put his hand down his towel. KC said that she did. Howard asked if he was playing with his balls. KC said the chick was playing with his balls. Howard said he knows he got a blow job. KC said he didn't. He said that she knew that he would be pissed. He said that she kept asking him if he was bisexual so that was kind of weird too.
Howard asked how long it took him to cum. KC said he didn't. He said it was just for a little bit. He said he wasn't into it so he stopped it. Howard said he doesn't believe it.
KC said he remembers telling the chick she had a great ass. He went to grab it and tried to go from under and play with her pussy but she ran away. Howard said that she was playing coy. KC said the whole thing was weird. He said he saw her panties. Howard asked how he saw that. He said he got her skirt up but she ran away. Howard said that's because there was cock and balls under it. Fred played some more of Richard's song parodies. KC was laughing his ass off at those. Howard said KC has been a very busy boy. He said he has a million questions for him but he's got a lot to do today. Howard gave a synopsis of what happened up there in Alaska. He asked if the girlfriend was really a girl. KC said that she is.
Howard gave KC a plug for this web site TUILifestyle.com that he was promoting. Howard said that KC must have known that it was a guy. KC was asking Howard to set up some kind of dating game for him. Howard said KC is too good looking for that. Howard said he should set him up with 3 trannies. That led to Fred doing his tranny voice again and goofing on that.
KC said he's going to send him the letter he got from that chick. Howard said he has to run because he as so much going on today. He did have a caller on the line to say hi to KC though. The caller said that KC used to say he wouldn't fuck chicks on the show and now they're supposed to buy this story? KC said he was in prison for 8 days up there in Alaska. KC said it wasn't county jail either. He said it was prison.
Howard asked what the guy's name was that gave him the had job. KC said he has her number. Howard said they should call her. Howard said on Monday's show they should do it. He said he'll call the guy. KC said he hasn't spoken to her since.
Howard recapped again and went over what happened up there in Alaska. Howard said that he still has that number in his phone so he must have liked it in some way. KC said he still loves his girlfriend so he's not over her. Howard said he had to run. Howard gave him another plug for the web site and wrapped up with KC. KC told them what the web site does and it's like an interior decorating thing. Howard said he sees where this is going. KC is doing interior decorating and he just got a hand job from a dude. Fred played him out with Aerosmith's ''Dude Looks Like a Lady.''
Howard said he won't give him math questions but he won't stop talking about him until the end of the show. Howard said he can't guarantee that. Eric said that they have to stop talking about him until December 16th. Howard said he can't agree to that. Howard said it's sleazy to pull that kind of thing with anyone. Howard said he's just telling him the truth. Howard said he's also not going to give him money for being part of this. Howard said he's shaking them down and it's not cool.
Eric said he needs money for Christmas. Eric said he needs the money for that and so he can fix his laptop. Howard said he can't shake them down afterward.
Howard said that they will also tell him what the opportunity was that they had in the wings for him. Howard said that they don't have to tell him that stuff though. Eric said that the doctor hasn't called him to give him the test results. Howard said he will tell him to do that if he does or doesn't take part in this thing today. Eric said he will agree to it even though they're not agreeing to all of his demands.
Gary said he won't make any negative comments about Eric until the end of the year this year. Eric said he was in. Howard asked if they had any money for him. Gary said he doesn't think he does. Gary said he has gift cards from Steven Singer. He said he had money all week but they gave it all away.
Gary said they should have money when they get back from vacation. Howard said he'll give him $711 from 7-Eleven when they get back. Howard said he's doing this but he shouldn't ask for money like he did. Eric thanked him for that.
Howard said that everyone is in then and they'll get the results for Eric the Actor, Will the Farter... Fred played some ''Ack, ack'' clips so Eric said he should have said that he couldn't do that as part of his demands.
Gary said that Gange is really nervous about this. He said that he's having neck pain from this and he's thinking it's because of his nerves. Howard said he's going to put Eric on hold and take a break. Howard said they're going to come back and do the results.
Howard wanted to bet on all of this so they started to go over who was going to be smarter than who. Howard said he had to take a break though. They were still going over who they think is going to come in with a high score. Howard put Eric on hold and asked if he saw how much fun he was having. Eric said ''yeah.'' Howard said that a man only has one thing... his word. Howard said he saw that in a fortune cookie. Howard told Eric to hold on and he just said ''alright.'' Howard said he was trying to get some excitement going but it wasn't working with Eric. He went to break after that.
Howard said he had Will the Farter in the room. Will is actually in Jackass 3D so Howard talked to him about that a little bit. Howard said that Will is very talented with the farting. He said he has never struck him as particularly intelligent. Howard said he's full of confidence though. Will said he thinks that he'll come in with a 115-125 IQ. Will said that he never said he would beat anyone there. Gary said that he did say he'd beat Will Murray. Murray said that he thinks that Will is borderline retarded. He said all of his talent went to his ass.
Howard asked Will the Farter about what kind of grades he got in school. Will said he had about a C average but he didn't try that hard. He said he took a test online once and he got a 127 IQ. Howard said he must have gotten something right to get a score like that.
Howard said that Steve Grillo is there too. He asked if he thinks he's going to do well. Grillo said he will not. He said he did miserable on the test. He said he did okay with some of the stuff he did but not much of it. He said he just kept saying ''next'' to the tester. Howard asked if he thinks he'll beat Sal. He said he's not sure. He may not have even broken out of the 90s.
Howard asked Dr. Sitt if Grillo would be retarded if he got in the 90s. Sitt said it would not be retarded. He said it would be low average. Howard said that anything between 80-89 is ''dull.'' Dr. Sitt said he'd call that ''borderline.'' Grillo said he hopes he's above that.
Howard said that Bobo is there too. He was a teacher and went to training schools for driving. He said he's a teacher of safety. Bobo said he took the SAT tests but he didn't do very well. He said he just ants to beat Sal. He said he might beat Grillo and Will the Farter too.
Howard told Bobo that the toupee just isn't working. Grillo said the worst part is that he puts gel in the fake hair. Bobo said that it's real hair. He said he's just trying to get a look going. Howard asked Bobo if he was going to be destroyed if Eric the Actor beat him. Bobo said he would be bummed out.
Howard moved on to Mike Gange and asked him about how nervous he is about this test. Gange said that he wasn't able to sleep last night and he's had neck pain for the past couple of weeks. Howard said he thinks that Steve Grillo is going to beat him. Gange said that he has to get a 110 at least. Grillo said Gange was a mess the day he took the test. Gange said he left the test feeling like an idiot.
Howard said he wants to bet that Gange has below a 110. There weren't too many people willing to bet on that. Howard said that he thinks Gange will beat Sal but not by more than 5 points. Gary said he has some money that Will Murray will beat Scott DePace. DePace thinks that Gange will get a 108 or higher. Howard said Gange doesn't have a high level of intelligence. Gange thinks he's gotten smarter over the years. He asked if he would be fired if he had a 90. Howard said that would explain his screw ups so that wouldn't get him fired.
Howard said he thinks that Jon Hein is going to be smarter than Scott DePace. Howard said he thinks he'll beat him by a bunch of points. DePace was willing to bet on that. Howard said he thinks he'll be over a 128. DePace took that bed. Jon Hein said he's not as confident after the test as he was before. Jon said he knows he missed a few general knowledge questions so he didn't destroy in the test.
Howard asked Jason, who is the only one who knows the results, if there will be any surprises today. Jason said there will be surprises. Howard said that he thinks that Eric will come in lower than Will the Farter. Robin took a bet on that. Howard asked Eric what he thinks about that. Eric said he hopes that Robin wins. Robin told him not to let her down.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to bet on himself against any of these guys. Eric said he doesn't want to bet. He said he'd prefer to stay out of the betting pool. Howard asked Eric if he will freak out if he finds out he's retarded. Dr. Sitt said that would be below a 70. Howard asked Eric if he'll freak out. Eric said he doubts that he's that low so he would freak out. Howard asked the other guys if they would freak out too. No one thought they were that low.
Howard and Robin took some more bets and went through the list and tried to figure out who would be lower than other people. Howard said he thinks that Grillo is lower than 102. He said that it'll be Eric the Actor as the lowest. Then it will be Grillo, Bobo, Will the Farter, Mike Gange... or maybe Will the Farter will beat Gange. He took some action on that. Sal wanted to bet on some of that stuff too. Gary asked him to get out of his office. He said he's gross and he jerks off in the booths so he wanted him out.
Ralph called in and said he loves that Eric is participating. Ralph said he wanted to take the Jon Hein bet that he'd be lower than 128. He bet Howard 50 bucks on that. Howard was taking action on a lot of stuff and had a lot of money in there. Jon Hein told Howard that he thinks Will Murray may have done better than him.
Ralph bet Howard on how Eric will do. He said that he thinks he's not last. Howard took some action on that. Sal bet that Will would beat Jon Hein. Howard took that bet. Robin bet that one too. She thought Will would be higher than Jon.
Howard asked Jason what he got on the IQ test. Jason said he had a 118. Howard said Will and Jason are the guys who people say would replace Gary if he left. Howard said whoever gets the higher number IQ is going to be his replacement.
Howard said it's time to find out the scores. He said he thinks that Bobo will be lower than Sal. Benjy wanted to bet Howard on Eric not being the lowest of the group. He bet him 50 bucks on that. He said he thinks that Bobo is lower but that's not part of the bet.
Fred said he thinks that Eric is the lowest of this group and he will be in the 70-85 group. He said that Bobo will probably be around an 85. Howard said he has to think about all of this. Howard said he's not sure about Eric but he might be lower than Jeff the Drunk. Gary said that Eric has some limitations on his math. Howard asked Eric if he thinks he got above an 89. Eric said he felt good after the test. Howard said someone whacked out of their mind could bet on Eric beating a lot of these people. Howard said Eric takes everything so seriously that he doesn't get the joke a lot. He said that's what throws him off.
Wheels called in and said that he waned to comment after the results. He wants to see how Will Murray is going to do.
The guys took some bets on Eric the Midget's possible score. They were all placing bets on that stuff. Eric said he's sure he got over and 82.
Howard said that they say Andy Warhol was only an 89 IQ and he did fine. Howard said he's sure that he's lower than a lot of them there. He said that he doesn't even want to know what his score is. Dr. Sitt said he's ready to test him when he's ready. Howard gave Dr. Sitt some plugs for his radio show that's on WBMBRadio.com.
Howard asked Dr. Sitt if Eric's handicap came into the test. He said that it did affect it. Sitt said that you are allowed to substitute one test but he didn't think it would be beneficial so he kept the test as it was.
Howard said they're going to find out what the scores are. Bobo asked if they had a disguise for him to wear if he does really bad. Gary said he was wearing it already. Mike Gange was almost ready to throw up from his nerves.
Howard said there were seven contestants and they're all winners in his book. He said that he was going to take the person who came in dead last and work his way to the top. Howard said that when you hear the results it doesn't gauge how successful you'll be in your life. Howard was looking at Bobo at the time. Howard said that he was going to the results now...
Howard said that the person coming in dead last was going to be a shock. He asked the guys how they were feeling and they were all very nervous. Gary said that he knows that Gange, Jon and Will aren't in the chase so he had to be near someone who might be there. Howard said this person came in with a score of 87 which is ''Low Average'' on the scale of intelligence. Howard said that a member of their present staff is not an 87. Gary said he heard Gange let out a deep sigh. Howard said that leaves Eric, Will the Farter, Steve Grillo and Bobo. Howard said it wasn't Will the Farter. He said it wasn't Steve Grillo. Howard told Eric the Actor that it wasn't him. It was Bobo. Bobo couldn't believe it. Howard said that's the low end of average. He lost to Jeff the Drunk by just 2 points. He beat Wendy the Retard. Howard said he beat High Pitch Eric. Bobo said he's going to have to move. He said half the people in the neighborhood know he's there today. Howard said he's in the Wack Pack for sure now. Howard asked Eric how he was feeling. Eric said he was glad. Steve Grillo was glad too but he said he was dragging it out too much. Gary said he was surprised by Bobo. He said he had him in the high 90s. Howard told Bobo not to take it too hard.
Howard moved on to the next person on the list. He was working his way up from the bottom. Howard said the person with the second lowest IQ came in with a score of 99. Howard said that it wasn't Jon Hein. He said it wasn't Gange. Jason told Howard that he had them out of order. The 99 wasn't the next lowest. Howard asked Jason if the rest of it was right. Jason said the rest of it was right. He said he just had the order wrong. The numbers were all correct. Howard said he has some staff there. He told Jason he's not replacing Gary.
Howard said the second lowest IQ is 90, not 99. Howard said that it wasn't Steve Grillo. He said it is a person who is not on the staff. Howard dragged it out and said that it was Eric the Actor. Howard said it's not bad getting a 90. He beat Jeff the Drunk.
Howard got Dr. Randy on the phone and asked him if he thinks that he would have scored higher if he didn't have his handicaps. Randy said that it may have held him back a little bit. He said he thinks that he could have come in a few points higher. Howard asked Eric how he felt about that. Eric said it's a reasonable number. Howard said he beat Jeff, Bobo and Wendy the Retard. Bobo said he's wrecked over this. Howard said Eric shocked him and did pretty well. Eric asked if he did well enough that Robin didn't lose anything. Robin said she thinks that he did. Howard said he thinks Eric may have wiped him out. Gary said he's not surprised at Eric's number but he is shocked at Bobo's. Howard said that Eric is a winner of some sort today. Howard said he came in with a respectable score.
Howard got back to the game and moved on to the person with the third lowest score of 99. Howard asked who they think it is. Grillo though it was him. Will the Farter said it's not him. Howard asked Gange who he thinks it is. He thought it was Steve. Howard said it wasn't Will the Farter, it was Steve Grillo. Grillo said he figured that. Gary said that Grillo was still surprised it was him even though everyone else had been eliminated. Howard said he's lived up to the 99 IQ.
Howard moved on to the next person. He said this person got a score of 100. Everyone remaining was freaking out. Howard said they had to get into this. He said that it was just Will the Farter, Mike Gange, Will Murray and Jon Hein. Howard asked Hein if he was worried. Jon said he's not. Howard said that the person 1 point smarter than Grillo was Will the Farter. Howard said Will had him convinced that he did well. Will asked where he did well on the test. Dr. Sitt said that he walked in saying he only slept 45 minutes and he had a 16 ounce energy drink with him. He said that's not the way you take an IQ test. Gary said that there's a 27 point spread from his online test. Dr. Sitt said those tests are only 5 questions so they're useless. Dr. Sitt said he failed in the vocabulary section. Howard said Will looks a little down. Will said that he would have done better if he had gotten some sleep. They spent a minute talking about that.
Howard said he's glad that the staff members are higher than 100. Howard talked to Mike and Will who have been there for at least 10 years. Will has been there for 10 and Gange for 20. Howard said that Jon Hein has been there for a few years too. He said the next IQ was a 110. He said that beats Sal and comes close to Ralph. He said that the person 4 points smarter than JD (with a 106) is not Jon Hein. Howard said that it was shocking that it was between Will and Gange. Howard said that it was actually Mike Gange. Mike said he's disappointed but 110 was his line so he's okay with that. Howard asked him to start using his brain.
Howard said he was going to move on to the final 2. He said that they have to find out who beat who. Howard said that he thinks Jon Hein is going to be the smartest and he will have beaten Scott DePace. Will said he wants to beat Scott DePace. DePace laughed and said there's no way he beat him. He said that Will is probably like a 116 and Jon a 120. Howard said the next one is going to be shocking. Howard said the next person is shocking too. Robin said that she knows what it is then. Howard said he doesn't have to say why he's shocked. He said the number is 121. Gary said he thinks that he knows what it is and that means he lost a bet to Scott. Howard asked who Robin thinks it is. Robin wasn't sure. Howard said he was shocked that anyone would even take the test. He said he's also shocked that he has about 4 shows left to do there and he still doesn't know what he's doing. Howard asked Eric the Actor who he thought it was. Eric said he was going with Will. Howard said the person with a 121 is Jon Hein. Will told Scott to suck his balls. Howard said he may not have beaten him. He could have tied.
Howard asked Jon what was going through his mind. Jon said he knew he didn't kill it. He said it's an ok score but not what he wanted. DePace was happy. Howard said that he found it shocking. He thought that they had Jon pegged as the smartest. Gary asked if Howard is surprised that Will is that high. Howard said he didn't think Will would beat Jon on that level. Howard said a 121 is very high so he's not dopey. Jon said he thought it was going to be higher. Howard said he does have a good background with everything he's done.
Howard asked Will how he was feeling. Will said he can't lose at this point. He said he hopes he beat him. DePace said the odds are that he did beat him. He said that if he has a 123 then he's not smarter than him. DePace said that anyone in that range is the same. He said that Will also knew about the test from hearing them talk about it on the Wrap Up Show.
Ralph called in and said that he won both of his bets. He said he knew that Jon wasn't that smart. Jon did beat him though.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he was ready to jump off a bridge. He said that Eric the Midget beat him. Howard had to hang up on him since they promised not to let anyone call him a midget Howard said he likes that Eric did as well as he did.
Howard said he's going to call Eric ''Eric the Actor'' from now on and call Bobo ''Bobo the mental midget'' from now on. Will wanted to bring Scott in there so he can put his balls on his face when he beats him.
Howard said that they were going to find out if Will beat Scott or tied him. Howard took a peek and said ''Wow!'' Howard asked Dr. Sitt about the test and also got in a plug for their sponsor, LoadedQuestions.com. He asked Dr. Sitt about what an IQ this high means. It's above average intelligence. Howard asked if he's in a genius if he's above 130. Sitt said he would be if he was that high. They dragged it out a little longer. Robin asked how Gary is going to boss Will around now. Howard said Will may have to take over for Gary. Gary said he can deal with Howard better than Will can. Howard said he's right about that.
DePace said that Will can barely turn a computer on. Howard didn't know that. Robin said that Will has people like Scott around to do that for him. Robin asked if anyone thinks that Will is in that very next category. Robin asked if he beat him by 8 points or more. Jon said he believes that he did. Scott said no way. Will the Farter said 3 points. Bobo said 3 and Robin said she thinks that he's over. Howard said that Will came in with an IQ of 130. Scott said no way to that. He beat Scott by 8 points. Will said he was speechless. Howard said he has a guy with a 130 IQ answering the phones there. DePace said that Will said that test didn't matter and all of a sudden it does. Scott said that's impressive. Robin said that Scott didn't have anything to crow about, Will does. Will asked him to apologize to him. Scott couldn't do it.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in and gave some plugs to their sponsor and to Dr. Sitt. Howard said it looked like Jon was bumming out. Jon said he knew he didn't do that well on the test.
Grillo said that you can get his Top Shelf Liquor t-shirts at SomeGuyTShirt.com. Howard said that Will the Farter is going to fart them some songs after the break. He had Vivian Von Queef with him to help out.
Howard asked Will what he was thinking about now. Will said he's not sure how realistic the test is. He said that he's not sure what it really measures. Here are the results:
Howard asked Eric if he had anything to plug. Eric thanked him for the money which will go toward Christmas shopping and fixing his laptop. Robin asked what the opportunity was. Gary said the WWE wanted him for something but he's not sure if it's still open. He said he will check into it. Eric said he would like that. Howard thanked Eric and said he's glad that worked out. Howard gave Dr. Sitt some more plugs and said that you can find him at DrSitt.com. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Jon Hein is really taking it hard. He said he's in there every break but he's out there moping around. Howard said the guy is taking it really hard.
Howard said his good looking boy, Walter the cat, is in the paper today. Howard said Beth did an ad for North Shore Animal League and they had a full page in the NY Post today. Howard said she's like the queen of all animals. Howard said Gary was blown away by the picture of Beth they had in there. Howard showed Robin the picture and Robin said she was beautiful.
Howard said what he loves most is that the cat was in a shelter and now he's a big movie star. He said he's a poster boy. He said that's in the NY Post today. He said he likes that cat too.
Howard said Oprah is thinking of buying a $68 million mansion in New Jersey. He said he's not sure what she's thinking. Howard said the place is 30,000 square feet. He said she had better grab it before Robin gets it. Robin said she doesn't even want the houses she's got.
Howard said he has money to pay. He said he has to pay off his bets. He bet that Jon Hein would beat Will and he lost those bets. He said he had to pay those off. Howard said Ralph bet that Eric the Actor would not finish last. He had to pay those bets. Howard read through some of the other bets and hew as up to $650 already. Howard said Ronnie is out there saying Bobo is looking really bad in the hallway too. Robin said maybe he's talking about the toupee.
Howard read through some of the other bets that they had and figured out what he owed. He just went through his own bets and not everyone else's. Robin said he owes her $250.
Howard said that they have the Billy Joel interview up on Howard TV. He said they broke it down into two parts. Howard said they also have the Jay-Z interview coming up tomorrow night.
Howard said hello to Vivian Von Queef and asked Will how he discovered her. Will said he just ran into her. They live in the same area. Howard asked Vivian how long she's been queefing. She said she's been doing it since she was 12. Howard said it's like Smallville where all of the freaks come from. Will and Vivian are both from the same area.
Howard asked where they were that they met. Vivian said they were on a local radio station together. Will said that was a long time ago. Will said that Howard made him who he is. He said that Howard is his creator.
Howard asked Vivian how old she is. She's only 22. Robin said that they couldn't have met a long time ago if she's only 22. Will was confusing them with his comments.
Howard asked what song they were going to perform. Will Murray said they could do Silent Night or Jingle Bells. The two of them didn't rehearse so they'll just be doing the song as they feel they should.
Vivian said that she dances at a gentleman's club. She said that she does her queefing there. Howard asked if guys try to grab her titites. She said some guys do. She said that some guys also get turned on by the queefing. She said she gets more tips for doing it.
Howard asked Vivian about why she has to use a device for her queefing. She uses a Vuvuzella, a trumpet like device, to make it louder. Howard said he'd like to hear it without the trumpet thing. Vivian did that and it sounded fart-like. Then she did it with the Vuvuzella. Howard asked if she'll use it during the song. She said she's never done it so she wasn't sure. Howard told her to try it without the device.
Howard had Will warm up and give them some examples of his farts. He had Vivian join in a little bit and then had them taking turns.
Howard asked Fred to play Silent Night so they could fart and queef along to that. Fred played the track they had and the two of them started to do their thing. Howard had Fred turn it up a little bit. Will and Vivian were letting out their farts and queefs but Will wasn't hearing any tone to play along with. Howard told him to just fart. Howard had them doing some solos and then had them finish off the song together.
Howard thanked them both for coming in and performing. Vivian got in a plug for VVQueef.com which will go live tomorrow. Will got in a plug for MilitarySavior.com and NightFlirt.com. He said he was still bummed out about the whole IQ test thing. Howard was going to let them go but Will was asking if Howard wanted her on the Sybian. Howard asked if she was up for it. She wasn't sure if she would have an orgasm but she was willing to give it a try. Howard had the guys set that up for her.
Howard had Vivian get naked for them on the Sybian. Howard told her to be honest and tell them if she gets off on it. He didn't want acting with that. Vivian got on and said that it wasn't working. Gary jacked the power up and tried to get it to work. She wasn't feeling it so Gary turned it all the way up. She said that he was going to detune her instrument with that. Howard said at least she was honest about it. Howard said it was good that she was naked at least. Howard thanked her for that and applauded but no one else did. Howard said he thinks Robin tuned out like 10 minutes ago.
Howard took a call from a woman who said it was an amazing show today. She said that it blew her away about the test results. She said the show hit it out of the park. She said she loves Howard TV too. She said she can't wait to see Scott's reaction to Will beating him. Howard said they were smacking each other in the balls. He said he couldn't have asked for a more immature ending to that segment.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he was glad that someone finally beat DePace. He said he's glad it was before the end of the year. He wondered how they could top this entire week. Howard said he's not sure how they could. He said he's having fun doing shows there and they can't beat it. The caller said he'll follow Howard wherever he goes. Howard said he will get word to people in one way or another if he does end up going somewhere else.
Speech Impediment Man called in and asked if he likes Superman or Green Lantern better. Howard said he'd rather not have to carry a ring around with him so he'd prefer to be Superman. Speech said that he went to some place and had some guy reach his hand into a glory hole to try and jerk him off so he left. Howard had no desire to hear more about that so he let him go. Howard said he had to take a break and then he'd say hi to Miss Howard TV quickly. Robin said it could be their last one. Howard said if they're going out, they're going out with a bang.
Howard came back and said that the boys made a new prank call that he could play too. Howard played that one and said they might as well make their final shows there as special as they can. In the call Sal and Richard called into a religious show while the people were speaking in tongues. Howard said they were calling in to talk about product placement in soap operas since they were talking about that on this show the other day. Howard said they were inspired by that news to do product placement in the religious show.
Howard started the call over again and we heard the hosts thanking the lord for something. Then Richard calls in and asked them to join him in a prayer for Pepto Bismol. The hosts didn't know why he was doing that. They hung up on him and took a call from Sal who said he's been having problems with his stool so he takes Ex-Lax. They hung up on him too. Then Richard called in and did an ad for Metamucil. They hung up again. Sal then called in and got in an ad for Tampax.
Howard said that was the first product placement in a phony phone call. Howard said that was beautiful. Howard said he's very proud of them.
Howard read that Natalie has a web site and she gets naked on there. She said she does solo stuff and girl/girl stuff. She's also married. Howard asked her how she met her husband. She said she met him in a political studies calls. Howard said she must be pretty smart then. She said she would like to be a lawyer. Howard said they could find out what she did in this work. Natalie said she hopes everyone finds out about it. Howard asked if she started banging at an early age. She said she was very shy back then but she was a cheerleader. She told Howard she was also a personal banker for a while.
Howard asked what she does to the other girls in these videos. She said she plays with toys, licks, and does stuff like that. She said she has done anal with toys on other girls. Howard asked about what else she's done and found out she once double fisted a girl. She said that was in the vagina. She said she would never let anyone do that to her and it was kind of disturbing to her to do it. Natalie said that it was the photographer's idea but it was also the girl's trademark. She said that her hands are pretty small so she was able to do it. Howard asked if she was able to put a foot in there too. Natalie just laughed. She said she's not sure about the foot.
Howard asked Natalie about how she bends over and she has a big brown thing down there. She has a birth mark. She said that she has a beauty mark next to her pussy. She said that's her trademark. Howard showed Robin a picture of it so she could see the trademark. Howard said she looks really good. Howard asked if she's very sexually active. She said she was always very shy and always in long term relationships. She said she didn't get crazy until the web site stuff. Natalie said that she's had a foursome. Howard said she looks so ''girl next door'' that he'd never expect it.
Howard asked Natalie if she gets wild out in public. She said she never wears underwear. She said that she and her friend go out a lot and hang out in clubs and they're almost naked. Howard said he's seen women go out and they have their skirts above their vaginas. Howard said that Natalie must like it when people see that. She said she doesn't notice it usually.
Natalie told Howard about some of the guys that she talks to on cam. She said she had one guy who she thought was playing around and then he ended up cutting himself with an Xacto knife. She said she had her husband come over and look and there was blood all over the place. She said that he just closed the window and she never heard from him again. Howard asked if she starts to think that the world is a dark and ugly place when she sees that. She said not really.
Howard asked if guys want to run off with her. She said that she tells everyone she's married and most guys are very respectful of that. Howard thanked her for being Miss Howard TV and asked if she wanted to try the Sybian. She was up for it so Howard had her hop on. Howard asked what she weighs. She said she's about 125. Gange said she's got a sick body. Howard asked if he saw her from behind. Natalie thought she had a big ass but Howard said it looked about right to him.
Natalie got naked for them and Howard said her boobs look big. they were implants and she said they're like a D-cup. Howard said that everyone wants what they can't have. Howard said Robin wanted them smaller but Natalie wanted them bigger.
Gary set Natalie up on the Sybian and showed her how to do it. Gary then started the machine and told her to pretend that they weren't there. Howard told her to tell them what she was feeling. Natalie said it wasn't as crazy as she thought it would be. She said it was making her shake but she wasn't moaning or anything. Gange told her to lean into it. She did that and it started to work. She said it was feeling so good. Natalie started moaning. Howard was telling her to just let it out. Fred had some Dave Lampert clips telling her to go ahead and cum. Natalie finished a short time later. She said that felt good. Howard asked what she thought. She said it was kind of shaky. Howard said her mole fell off. Her whole identity is wrapped up in that. Howard asked Robin if she liked it. Robin said she was busy preparing the news. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Mike about the National Enquirer going bankrupt. Mike said they're trying to make a deal with their bond holders and that didn't work so they're going to lose about 200 million in debt in the bankruptcy sale. Howard asked how that happened. Mike said he didn't do it. He said that they are profitable if they didn't have the debt. Howard said he's not up on all of that stuff so he's not sure how that works. Howard spent a minute talking to Mike about that and the let him go.
Howard said he was going to bring up that story about Cher with Robin today. He said he had seen Cher in other interviews doing the same thing where she screwed up the pronouns with he and she while she's talking about her child. Howard said she knows how to get them right. He said Cher is a very bright woman. Howard said he knew that story was true. Howard said Chaz is going through a lot and the joke must get old. Howard said Cher does it every single time she's doing an interview. It has to be embarrassing to Chaz.
Howard played more of the Hate Man stuff and he was going off on Howard about how boring he is when it comes to sex. He said you want a whore in bed and a woman who is classy out of bed. He called Howard a bunch of names as he was hanging up.
Howard said that Man went off on Tracy Morgan too. Howard played that clip and Hate Man was complaining about how bad Tracy was in his HBO special. He had a bunch of thoughts on that special. He did have some nice things to say about Robin after using the N-word about her. He blurted out the N-word a bunch of times at the end of that call.
Howard said he wishes that guy lived next door to a black guy that could hear him through the wall. Howard said he's still waiting to meet that guy. Robin said she's heard him call into other shows without the hate. Howard said it would be funny if they found out it was someone like Tim Sabean. He said he'd be like a super hero who keeps his identity secret from them. Howard said that guy is a trip. Robin said he has a way of expressing himself like no other.
Howard said Crazy Alice ranted for 47 seconds too. He played her voice mail where she went off on him about Eric the Midget. She said that Howard took it easier on Benjy for showing up late. She said Jews stick together, that's what's going on there. She also went off on Robin and yelled at her for a few seconds. Howard said Alice called Eric mentally ill. Howard said she's a real self hating black woman too.
Steve said that Robin is going to be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight. She's flying out today as soon as they end the show. Howard asked Jimmy to please play her Guatemalan music when she comes out. Howard said that she has to throw the ball on the show too. Robin said that they did ask her if she wanted to do that. Howard said she has to. Howard said he would laugh if she threw better than Gary.
Howard said Bill Carter is on with Robin. Robin said she hasn't been able to get her hands on that book yet. Howard said he loves that book ''The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early and Television Went Crazy.''
Steve mentioned that Scott Ferrall just shot an appearance on CSI Miami. He said that Jim Florentine is also going on another USO tour this week.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of things they were going to try and cover today. They spent a couple of minutes talking about Gary's book tour and how annoyed Howard is with that.
Howard got Mutt from Superfan Roundtable on the phone. Mutt ran down a few things they're going to be talking about this week on the show. That's tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Howard asked if he was surprised by the outcome. He said some of the results were surprising but not Bobo so much.
Ralph called in and told Robin she has to throw a pitch on Kimmel. Robin said she won't be in the right attire for that. Gary said ''Neither did I...'' Robin said she will bring a ball and glove with her though. Howard said that's something to think about.
Robin started her news with a story about Tow and a Half Men just sold into syndication for another 7 years so Charlie Sheen just made millions more. Howard said that means he'll be into more trouble.
Robin read about Harry Potter opening this weekend. She said the reviews are mixed.
Robin read about people cutting off cable TV. She said that business has shrunk for two quarters in a row.
Robin read a story about a man who put a bullet into his TV when he saw that Bristol Palin was still on Dancing with the Stars. He was arrested for threatening his wife too. Howard said he was impressed with that guy for shooting his TV after getting so upset. He said he gets why he's angry that Bristol is still on that show.
Ralph called in to tell Howard about his FIOS. Howard didn't know that it was faster than cable. Howard said he's not even sure if he has that. He had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 10:45am, we heard a Jerky Boys prank call. Howard came back and had to wish In Demand a happy 25th anniversary. He was recording it for something. Howard said they were going to have him wait around to do it but he wanted to get it done now. Gange jokingly asked if he could do an answering machine message for him since he's been there for 20 years. Howard said he doesn't want to record any of this stuff.
Robin got back to her news and read about it being the Great American Smoke Out today. She said that they're trying to get people to quit smoking and they say that people who don't smoke can live 10 years longer than those who do.
Howard said he was reading a copy of Vanity Fair where they had a picture of Adam Sorkin's desk and he loves to look at pictures like that. He said he was surprised to see that he smokes though.
Robin read about a study done about mental illness. She read the details of that to Howard. Howard said he's mentally ill. He said he has OCD.
Robin read about Alvin Green who is going to try running for President. Howard said ''Oh cool.'' Robin said that Green says that he's the greatest person ever and he's the man and the greatest individual man ever. Howard said he has some tape to play of that guy but it'll have to wait for after vacation.
Robin read that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are splitting up. Howard said he called that from the beginning. Howard said that Eva would just talk over him when they were on Oprah once. Howard said there was no way that they would stay together. Howard said the guy was being completely zombified. Howard said it doesn't matter how hot the chick is. He said you have to keep it fresh. Howard said Halle Berry has a great face and body but she's been dumped twice. He said that dudes cheat on her almost from the beginning. Howard said she might be a dead fish. Robin read some more details of the Eva Longoria thing. Howard said that you can hook up with people on Facebook in a second. That's where Eva had found out about some stuff that her husband may have been up to.
Howard said he was thinking about Roger Ebert and what he Tweeted about after the Billy Joel interview. Howard said he really admired Roger and Gene Siskel. Howard said they would have been great judges on these shows like American Idol. Howard said that Gene and Roger were great on the show together when they'd argue over the little things. Howard said they would have been phenomenal on one of those shows. Howard said that Roger doesn't just throw out bullshit accolades so if he says that interview was great, it was great.
Robin read about how people think the institution of marriage is going out of style. Robin said that's what they found in a survey that was done. Robin said that family is still important to people.
Robin read about a man who got a double transplant of hands and he's had to go back to the hospital for treatments. It's not working out as well as they had hoped. Howard wondered if it's weird when he jerks off. He said it must feel different. Howard said he would want a woman's hand transplanted.
Robin read a story about a big meeting of the social networks MySpace and Facebook. They aren't going to merge but they may partner up.
Howard said he's looking forward to these new tablets that are coming out. He said he wants the Blackberry because it'll have Flash on it. Jon Hein had some thoughts on that but Howard said his opinion meant more to him yesterday than it does today. Jon said that he's getting the Droid Pro today and he'll let Howard know what that's like. He said that it looks like the Blackberry but it's Android based. He said that they'll lose the BBM stuff. Howard said that he should be using whatever Will is using. Jon said he thinks that Will is going to get the Droid Pro too. Will said he's the dope when it comes to technology.
Howard said that Will is uncomfortable with his intelligence. Will said it's just too much pressure. Howard said he's being too humble. Will said he did laugh at Scott. Scott goofed on him for not even knowing what phone he had. Will said that's because he's above it.
Robin got back to her news and read about how Helen Thomas is getting an award from an Arab news organization. Howard played some audio of Helen telling the Jews to get out of Jerusalem. Robin said there will be some protests over this whole thing today. Howard said he would go if it wasn't down in Washington DC. Howard said he doesn't like that fucking Helen Thomas, that old cow.
Robin had Howard play a Neil Young clip and read a story about how he had a warehouse with his files in it. She said that they found that a custom set of wheels he had on a car may be to blame. The car was designed to be run on electricity and diesel and it may have caused the fire.
Robin read about Patti Smith winning an award for a children's book that she wrote. Robin read some quotes from her speech that she read through.
Robin read about how parts of the new Harry Potter film made its way to the internet already. Robin said that Warner Brothers is trying to put a stop to that.
Robin read about Susan Boyle and how she's number one in the Billboard charts here and in her home country. Robin had some audio of Susan's hit song. Howard said there's some old lady over in the UK who has something similar going on. He said someone sent him the clip but he wasn't sure where it was.
Howard said he was watching some midget porn that Richard sent to him and he had to stop watching. Benjy said he had to turn it off too. Howard said this normal sized guy goes down on this midget and he had to tune out. Richard said Sal didn't even make it through. JD said he and Will were watching it and they saw the guy spanking her ass and he was taking her whole ass in his hand. The guys put it up on the screen but Howard told them to turn it off. They left it on and Howard said ''That's so wrong.''
Richard said it was a fan that sent it to them. Richard said that it's probably best that people don't see it. Howard said he thought there might be an intelligence problem with the chick. He said the guy goes down on her and he wasn't able to handle it. Howard asked if anyone jerked off to that. Richard said he figured Sal would be the one who would if anyone did.
Robin got back to her news and read some stuff about President Obama and the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy.
Robin read about Ryan Reynolds being named sexiest man of the year. His wife was named Sexiest woman too. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon asked Will if he was insulted that people were shocked he did so well on the IQ test. Will said that a lot of people had his back so he's alright. Scott DePace was in and said that he knows Will very well and he thought he'd do very well. He said he thought that Jon had a 50 percent chance of beating him.
Jon said that Will doesn't seem to feel like the smartest guy there. Will said that's not the way he feels. Scott said that Will was saying that the test means nothing before it happened. Gary said Scott did the same thing. Scott said that he and JD took a test online and Will decided not to take it because he was freaking out.
Gary asked if they were afraid they were the 110. Jon and Will said they were both thinking it could be them. Jon said the worst part was when Howard said he was really shocked. He said he knew that he was in second place when he said that.
Jon said that he and Will were watching Jason during the whole thing because he's so easy to read. He said that he felt bad for Jason when he screwed up the one thing. Jason said he was so on top of the bit last night. He said he had checked it and triple checked it. Then he threw Eric into the wrong slot when they added him back in. He said that threw it all off. Gary said he would have had two results pages prepared because Eric was on the fence. Jason said he was pissed. He said he just found out Tuesday night what the test results were.
Gary asked Jon how he felt today. Jon said he was disappointed. He said he wished that he had done better. He said he knew coming out that he didn't do that well. He said he and Will had a conversation that day and they were going over a couple of things and Will got all of the things he missed. Jon said that he wanted to finish better than he did. Gary said he thinks that Jon is smarter than him. He said he thinks that Will is smarter but not that much smarter.
Jason said the first test they took could have a 5 point swing. He said that's why Richard and Scott were basically the same. He said that Will would still be victorious. Scott said that if there's a 5 point swing then he could go up by 5 and Will could go down by 5. Will told him he's an idiot.
Scott said he loves that Jon is just one of the guys today and not the smart one. Jon said this doesn't change his view on how intelligent he thinks he is. The guys said that he seemed to be pretty shell shocked. Jon said he was but it had nothing to do with the way the other guys did. He said that if Gange had beaten him then it would have bothered him... but it all has to do with the number and not the person.
Benjy said he thinks that he'd be up there with Will if he took the test. The guys all told him to take the test then. Benjy said they don't do the test right and he thinks that Eric got screwed.
Jon said that Bobo took it really hard. He was so disappointed. Gary said he figured that he'd be the same caliber as Sal. Jon said that Jeff the Drunk was also upset and he said he wanted to kill Eric the Actor over that.
Gary said that Will the Farter thought he was going to finish up where Will Murray was. Jason said he thought Will the Farter was retarded until he saw the 100. He said that it's amazing to him that he was only 3 points from Sal and Grillo.
Jon said it was interesting the way they were being treated in the back after the results. Gary said he called Jon into his office and tried to calm him down. Jason said that he was okay with his 118 IQ. He said he would have liked to have been better than DePace but a 118 is pretty good. He said that dropping the pass in the end zone is worse to him than the IQ thing. Gary said he walked away with $400 today. He said he liked that part of the tests.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he knew Will was smart the whole time. He said that he loves that he has to hold the microphone near Will the Farter's asshole when he's got a 130 IQ.
Jon asked if Will thinks that Howard is going to think of him differently. Will said he's not sure. He said it may have backfired on him today because people may look at him differently and he didn't want that.
Gary said it changed his view of Scott. He said he thought he was just a cement head. He said it turns out he's pretty smart. Scott said that it's only Gary who thinks that way. Gary said he doesn't have the ability to see people around him and what they think.
Jon took a call from a guy who said there was pressure on Jon to take the test. He asked where he wanted to finish. Jon said he waned to be in the 130-140 range. Benjy asked if he wished he hadn't done it now. Jon said he's glad he knows. He said it's not going to change the way he feels about his intelligence. He said he thinks that Bobo lost a lot today.
Gary asked Scott if Jon had gotten a 123, would he have lost his status there. Scott didn't think so. He said that he may have lost some of it today with the 121. Jon said that he'd agree with him if he walked around there claiming to be the smartest one there. Scott said that they do think of him the brilliant guy there.
The caller was also saying that he thinks they dropped the ball with the Billy Joel interview this week. He said that Jay-Z was just as open as Billy but he's not close with Howard. Howard is friends with Billy. Gary said he thinks that they were both great interviews. The guys spent a few seconds on that and then went to break.
Gary said he used to bring his wife and kids up there but he'd tell them he'd bring them in during the show. He said that he doesn't want to be bothered after the show so they can't be up there after 10.
Jon asked Scott DePace what he thinks. Scott said Howard got mad at him once when he asked him for a dollar for a lottery ticket. He said he gets that he doesn't want to do anything after the show. Gary said that Tim is a different story. He said he can suggest things to him but he's the boss there. He said he can't stop him from coming into the studio or anything like that.
Gary said that there are people who have to go into the studio and pitch ides to Howard and things like that. He said that they don't have a lot of time in there so they need to be left alone to get that done. Gary said he sees Tim walk out with Howard a lot so he figures that if he didn't want that then he'd say something.
Jon said that Howard has said that he doesn't hear anything that Tim is saying to him after the show. Gary said he sometimes has to tell Howard what people are talking about because they tend to go on too long. Scott said there's an art to talking to Howard. He said Gary is able to sum it all up for him. It has to be short and sweet and right to the point.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Scott DePace is an idiot and goofed on him about his Video Caddy and things like that. Scott said he's just having fun when he's goofing on the other guys about the IQ test. He said he's really not that proud of the whole thing. Gary found that funny. Scott said he's not taking it as serious as Jon is. He said Will is acting weird too.
Ralph called in and asked about Gary doing a book signing in Mendham, New Jersey because that's where the priest was from that molested him. He told Gary to say hi to him for him.
Ralph said that Will is like an underachiever with that 130 IQ. Gary said that Lisa G was blown away by that score. Gary said if anyone sat down and talked to him then they wouldn't be so surprised.
Ralph asked where Will did better than Scott. It was the verbal comprehension and vocabulary that he did better on. Will said he beats him on hair too. Ralph was saying that he doesn't think that Will is all that much smarter than Scott. He said he doesn't think he's a 130 because that's really high. He said he doesn't exhibit anything that would make him think he's that high. Will said he hasn't had that many conversations with him so he's not sure how he'd know.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Will and Eric the Midget were the big winners today. Gary said that he has to give Eric a shout out for coming through for the show. He appreciates that. The guys had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:40am.