|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show asking Robin what happened to her. She had her arm in a sling. Robin said it was a big foam protective thing. She said it's a foam bed for her arm. Howard said she almost looks like a Transformer. He said it's a whole contraption.
Robin said she was roller blading in Central Park and fell. She said she had forgotten her wrist guards and broke her wrist ''really bad.'' She had to have surgery on it. Robin said she went out in the morning and never came home.
Robin said she usually has a wrist guard on but not this time. She said she sat in the middle of the street and almost cried. Robin said people were asking her if she needed help and she finally looked at her wrist and said that she saw that it didn't look like a wrist any more and figured she did need help.
Robin said the bone was sticking out in the wrong place so she needed to get some help getting up. Robin said she wasn't able to get up on her own at all because of the injury.
Howard asked Robin if she's one of those wobbly roller bladers. She said she used to be really good but she has gotten a bit wobbly.
Howard told Robin that roller blading is ''feh'' and she doesn't need to be doing that. He told her this in his mother's voice.
Robin said she tried to roller blade over to a place to sit and the wrist started to hurt really bad. Robin said she saw one of those rickshaw guys with a cab on the back of a bike so she asked him to take her for a ride. Robin said she wasn't able to get home because of the pain so she went to the hospital instead.
Robin said she went to the hospital and she was in so much pain she almost cried. Robin said she was lucky that there was only one other person ahead of her. She said she was operated on by Dr. Glickle. She said they had a hand center over there so the rickshaw guy picked the right place.
Robin said they told her she needed an operation and she could get it right then or wait to get some other recommendations. Robin said they put her under and she wasn't even out that long. She said they put her in a twilight sleep where she didn't feel her arm and she wasn't out completely. She said she went in around 4:30 and got out around 8 o'clock. She figured it wasn't too bad.
Robin said she was rolled in around 4:30 or 5 but she was in the emergency room at Noon. Robin said her wrist is stable now but she has to stay in the cast thing for about 2 weeks.
Robin said she now knows how Jeff the Drunk feels with his dead arm. Robin said that she can't move her arm at all and it just dangles there. Robin said she wasn't even able to tell where her arm was for a while because of the numbness.
Howard asked Robin if she can type. Robin said she's one handed right now. She said she has to use one hand to type on her Blackberry.
Howard said he's never see this whole bed thing that Robin has on her arm. Robin said she can drive one handed with that bed.
Howard said he's seen these roller bladers out there and he would have advised Robin not to do that. Robin said she's been doing it for years though. Howard said he knows, he's seen her type. Howard said he has roller bladed and he fell on his back and hit his head on the ground. He was wearing a helmet and if he wasn't, he'd be brain damaged more than he already is.
Howard said the roller bladers in the park roll in and out at high speeds. He said he sees them crash into the bike riders and you get a laugh out of it, but it's very dangerous. Howard said Robin is the type who rolls in and yells at people to get out of the way. Robin said she had the wrist guards at her door ready to go. He said she could have gone for a run.
Robin said she felt she had to go out and do that because of the nice weather. Howard said he tried roller blading before he did his movie and figured he should stay away from that stuff. Robin said Howard roller bladed on his driveway. Howard said that's right but then told Robin to look at what she's done.
Robin said she looked at what she had done and the doctors asked her what she wanted for the pain. She asked for morphine.
Gary said some guys are floating theories about the wrist and asked if she broke it because of the lack of calcium in her diet. Robin said that's not the reason. Robin told Gary she's taking Percaset like Gary is on. She's in it with him.
Robin said this twilight sleep she was in was wild. She said she could hear the doctors talking during the operation and it was very weird. Robin said they had to make an incision on her arm to do the surgery. She said they had some pinholes in there too to make sure the ligament was okay. Robin said her beauty is now marred.
Howard and Artie were doing impressions of what the doctor was saying while Robin was in the twilight sleep. They were doing the impressions as if the guy was an Indian guy. Robin said her doctor didn't have an Indian accent.
Robin said the guy that didn't speak English was the rickshaw guy. Robin said she never got to pay the guy because she didn't have any money on her. Robin said she wanted to pay the guy but he told her it was okay and didn't want to her to take his name to pay him. Robin said it was about 20 blocks too. Robin said she'd like to pay the guy if anyone can tell her who he was.
Howard did an impression of the rickshaw driver too. Robin said she would give him a couple hundred bucks if she could. She said he was very helpful. Howard said it's a shame that she can't pay him. Robin said she begged him for his number but he just told her to get better. Robin said she has to keep this thing on for a couple of weeks and then another 6-8 weeks of recovery.
Dominic Barbara came in and said that he had some investigators out there checking out the area she fell and the lawsuit should be set to go. Howard and Artie goofed on him and Fred said, in Dominic's voice, that he was a Rickshaw chaser.
Jeff the Drunk called in to talk to Robin about this dead arm she has. He can relate to that since he's got one as well. Howard said that these people out there have to wear protective stuff and some of them don't want to do it. Robin said she doesn't wear a helmet. Howard said she really should. Jeff said he hopes Robin gets better soon.
Artie asked if the only person who helped was the one who recognized her. Robin said a bunch of people asked but she didn't think it was that bad. Then the one guy helped her up and really helped.
Howard asked Robin what happened to her race car fascination. Robin said you don't get in shape doing that. Howard told her no more of that or roller blading. Robin asked if she can keep her boat.
Howard said Robin is trying to take this with a good attitude but she has to be bummed out. Robin said she is.
Artie said he once snapped his leg in half when he was about 12. He said he wasn't able to do anything and he just had to deal with it. Robin didn't know how she was going to do anything. She said she can kind of use her fingers but it hurts. She didn't know how she was even going to put on a bra. Artie said when a guy breaks his wrist, he thinks about how he's going to get off a bra.
Howard said Robin must have shattered her wrist. Robin said it was really bad. The bones were broken and going in the opposite direction.
Howard was saying that he was wondering why this doctor was there on a Sunday. That didn't sound right. Robin said they had to call him in, he wasn't working at the time. Howard said he must be good then.
Howard said they wanted to do a pre-interview with him but he's not available for that. Howard said he's feeling like he's the late night host now because they're having these late night wars. Howard said Conan had a huge rating of close to an 8 his first night. Then he went down to a 5 and he's slowly fallen down to 3's as the week went on. Howard said he thinks they expect him to be the Hugh Grant of the night tonight.
Howard said he's going to tell Dave this is too much pressure for him. Artie said that has to be flattering though. He said it's very nice of them to do that. Howard said it is very nice and he can't tell him how flattered he is. He sounded a bit sarcastic when he said that.
Howard said he has an outfit ready to go for the appearance. Robin said Ralph was freaking out about all of that and had a hissy fit last week about Howard not getting ready before Monday. Howard said he knew his suit would fit from last year. He said Ralph wanted to meet with him last night so that's what he did.
Howard said Ralph wanted to show up early to his apartment. Ralph said he would be there early but then he texted him and said that he'd be there in 40 minutes and Ralph wasn't even ready. Howard said he eventually showed up and they tested out some shirts. Howard said Ralph has to try on more than one shirt though. He must have OCD or something.
Robin said she noticed that he never picks up when she calls. Howard said he noticed that too and asked him if he has something with twos. He said Ralph told him that it's actually threes. He has some kind of OCD going on there.
Howard said he's got his clothes all picked out and he's ready to go on but he's not sure how long they're going to be talking. Howard said he may be on for more than one segment. Howard said he's on with Mos Def but he thinks they should have a pretty woman segment or something thrown in there.
Howard said this whole Letterman thing is turning into a nightmare. He has appointments until 3 and then he has to go do Letterman. Howard said he tapes at 4:30 so he has to kill some time before he goes over to do that. Howard said it's going to be an all day thing.
Jeff the Drunk called in again and said that they were promoting Howard all weekend. Howard said they're really counting on him to bring their ratings up. Gary said that the war is apparently on because they have Eddie Murphy on Conan and Letterman has lost a guest to Conan already.
Artie said he thinks that Conan is going to lose to Letterman tonight. Howard said Eddie doesn't say anything and he's the worst talk show guest on the planet. He said he has a whole affect and he's very serious.
Howard read about some of the guests they have on the two shows this week. They had a few good guests for the two shows and it's going to be a battle this week.
Howard said tonight is the real battle because the two of them are doing new shows. Last week Letterman was in reruns.
Jeff told Howard to ''Do us proud'' but it was all slurred when he said it. Artie did his impression of Jeff and goofed on him about what he had just said.
Gary said he's not sure what kind of work she's had done on her face but it barely moves now. Howard had some audio of Liza performing on the Tony awards and then talking.
Howard said he feels bad for Gary. He still has that stent in and he's feeling the pain now. Gary said he has to go to the bathroom and pee like 25-30 times a day now. Gary said it hurts really bad when he's done going. He said it really stings. Gary said he has cramps from it too. He said he just hurts sometimes when he bends the wrong way. He has to keep the stent in until Friday.
Howard said he would get it out as soon as possible but Gary is going to keep it in for 2 days longer than he should. Gary said he may go in on Wednesday and get it out. He said it's really bad.
Gary said he feels like he has to pee all the time. He said he can barely make it to work driving in. Gary said he peed at the garage and then peed again when he got up to the studio. Howard said that sounds awful to him and he feels really bad for Gary.
Howard played some of the Liza Minelli audio and asked Gary what was happening on that show. Gary said she was doing leg kicks and stuff that just looked like old lady leg kicks now. Howard and the guys got some laughs out of that clip.
Robin did her impression of Liza and it sounded as bad as Liza did. Gary said Angela Lansbury was there and she seemed more relevant than Liza does. He said Liza seems to think that it's the 1940s when you see her.
Howard had some audio of Liza talking and played that. She was snorting, sniffling, speaking like she had something stuck in her teeth and laughing uncomfortably.
Howard said all he heard was the slurring and teeth issues when she was speaking. He said that there must be a universe out there where only Liza lives. The guys all made fun of her and the weird speech affectation she has.
Howard asked if Liza is always out of breath too. Artie said it sounded like she had just drive Robin to the hospital on a rickshaw. Howard said that was the Liza update. Howard said she's a throwback to another era. Artie said it was 1838.
Howard said Elton John was on the Tony's and everyone seems to like him. Howard said they forgot to put his mic up for the opening of the song. Gary said this was the opening of the show. He said they had been billing it as Elton John performing and they forgot to turn on his mic. Howard said this is the greatest. He played the clip and you hear him playing piano but then you don't hear his voice when he's supposed to be singing.
JD said they had a lot of technical mess ups during that show. They had one segment where one guy's mic was popping through the whole bit. Howard played some of that audio and the popping was constant. They had to bring the guy another mic.
Howard said he has to go on Broadway. He knows he can do that kind of performance. He started to sing some made up songs and he didn't sound any worse than the performances he was playing. Robin said she can't go to a musical anymore because that's just how they sound to her now. She said they just sing about ordinary things.
Howard sang some more of the Broadway musical stuff making up the lyrics as he went along. He really did sound like he was in a musical. Howard had Artie cracking up.
Gary said they have a play for Shrek and they had this guy sitting in the audience dressed up as Shrek. Gary said you could see the guy's giant green hands behind Angela Lansbury. He said Brett Michaels from Poison ran into a backdrop. Howard said he saw the video of that on YouTube.
Howard said Brett goes out to sing a song and as he's walking off the curtain drops on him and knocks him out. Gary said it wasn't just a curtain, it was a solid set.
JD said there was a clip of this woman yelling out a quote. He said it was Alice Ripley and she was reading a quote and just started yelling it out. Howard played that clip. She was reading this quote and she was speaking normally at first. Then she starts yelling it out like she's getting angry. Fred threw in the Christian Bale ''Oh good for you!'' clip during that.
Howard said theater people are insane. He wondered what she was yelling about. Robin said there was no reason to scream during that speech. Howard said that was about it for the Tony clips. He didn't see them so he wasn't sure what else to play.
Howard said he had to ask why he was doing this Letterman thing and Beth had to leave the room when he got angry about it all.
Howard said they're doing some work in their apartment and now their dog is confused. He said this construction they're doing is going to take months. He said he didn't think it was going to take that long. Howard said he told the contractor that his dog is going nuts. Howard said they can't get any sleep because the dog is thrown off. Howard said this remodeling is going to last until October.
Howard said last night Beth wasn't there so there was no one to take care of the dog. He said he heard the dog snoring around midnight last night. Howard said bulldogs snore really bad. He said he told the dog to go back to her bed and he was wide awake. Howard said he was all worked up about having to do Letterman, Beth not being home and all of that. He was on a rampage so he had to beat off to get to sleep.
Howard said he didn't have any porn to watch because it's all in the room where the dog is at. Howard said he took his underwear off and figured he had to get it over with fast. Howard said he hates that feeling when he's finished too. He said he was running around looking for tissues and it was a nightmare. Then he finally got that done and went back to bed.
Robin asked Howard who he thinks about when he's beating off. Howard said he goes to his recent past history because it was much better than who he had earlier. Howard said he doesn't think about the high school girls anymore.
Howard said he was on Facebook for like 2 minutes and the women he was with when he was younger now look like 55 year old women.
Howard said he flushed all of his tissues down the toilet to make sure the cleaning people didn't have to clean up. He said he always does that. Then he figured he should wash his hands and then pee and go back to bed. He said he was wide awake after all of that.
Howard said he lost a chess game over the weekend and that made him lose sleep too. Howard said he thought he was getting better at playing chess. He said he was on his way by a huge win with an advantage of 3 pawns. Howard said he made one bonehead move and lost the game. He said all he could think about all weekend was this loss. He said he knows he can beat this guy who beat him.
Howard said he got the guy on again and he ended up beating the guy. Howard said it drove him nuts all weekend though. Howard said it kills him when he does stupid things like that. He can't turn it off either. Robin told him he's supposed to be doing that for pleasure. Howard said he can't just do it for pleasure.
Bobo called in and said that the new Show in the Hallway season is great so far. He really liked the Robin episode. Robin said she's impressed with the writing the guys are putting into it. Howard said her episode is called ''Quivers, Quivers, Quivers.''
Howard mentioned that Francis Ford Coppola is coming in today. Robin said she was supposed to go see his new movie last night but she wasn't able to make it.
Artie said he watched Apocalypse Now Redux and it was really good. He said that's an underrated movie. Howard said he was trying some of his wine too and enjoyed that. He said it was really good and he wasn't just saying that because he's coming in. Bobo said he knows that Howard will kill tonight on Letterman since he always does. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he had stopped watching ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.'' He said he only watched one episode. Gary told him it got good again. Gary said he just watches ''The Soup'' where they show highlights of the shows.
Howard said he heard it was really bad. Gary said he heard about Heidi and Spencer and that Heidi might be in the hospital. JD said they've quit like 15 times but they decided to come back in. JD said Heidi had to be taken to the hospital for some stress related thing. Howard said JD was so bad at telling a story that he doesn't know what's going on.
Gary said Heidi and Spencer are delusional. He said Stephen Baldwin told Spencer to run for president and he said he's already working on it by calling 2000 people a week and convinces them to vote for him.
The guys talked about some of the other ''stars'' on that show and how they drag that stuff out far too long. Howard said they should be able to whittle it down to like 1 hour instead of 2.
Gary said when Stuttering John was on that show they were doing live stuff but then the changed it to the best clips of the day instead.
Howard had some clips from ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'' where Spencer was talking to the President of NBC and complaining that he was on the show with people he's never seen before. He said that he's a big star and he's not supposed to be doing this kind of stuff with these people because he's a big star. Howard said that kid knows how to talk to people.
Lisa said she was at the Tony's and she ran into Frankie Valli and asked him about Artie. She said Frankie read some parts of the book and thinks that his book is very funny. Lisa said that Jeffrey Katzenberg was there too and talked about how great Howard is. So did the guy from Smallville who plays Lionel Luthor.
Lisa said that Suzanne ''Underdog Lady'' Muldowny will be doing another show tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. She had some quotes from her about how she was assaulted one time.
Howard said Suzanne's eating is out of hand. He said she's requesting all kinds of food from them to do her show and there was a lot of awful stuff on the menu. She asked for a steak sandwich and a 10 piece chicken McNuggets. Howard said he may call the show and tell her to slow down on the eating.
Howard talked about what a good guy Mark was. Francis said he was going to try and get mark to come with him today but he wasn't able to make that happen.
Howard asked Francis about the rumors that directors can get laid a lot and if they're really not true. Francis said that he's been married a long time and he's never even gone out with an actress. He said he met his wife on the set of a movie and she was the girlfriend of another guy who was working on that movie. Francis said that she was less of a girlfriend than he thought she was and she asked to stay in his room one night instead of that other guy. Francis said he told her that he wouldn't be able to see anything because he wore glasses so that was a good line to use. They became good friends after that.
Howard said that Francis has a brother by the name of August and he was the one who was supposed to become the star of the family. Francis said that he wanted to be like his brother. Howard asked if he tried to be better than his brother. Francis said he didn't try to do that. Howard told Francis that he made two of the best movies ever. Francis thanked him for that.
Francis said that there are a lot of great movies out there like Raging Bull. Howard said he must be upset with the way they make movies now with special effects instead of telling stories. Francis said they do things that have been done like 20 times already. He said he is upset with that kind of stuff.
Francis said he really liked ''Burn after Reading.'' He said it was a little different and didn't get the acclaim that it should have.
Howard said he guesses they'll never see Francis directing a Spider-Man movie. Francis said he has made good money doing the winery thing so he doesn't do movies. He said the wine business took off about 16 years ago. Howard told him he really likes the wine he sent him over the weekend. Francis said they have wines ranging from $8 a bottle up to $145. He said they have a wide range.
Howard asked about the wine business and wondered if he made more doing that than with films. Francis said every year it out does the movie business. Francis said that they make about a million cases a year and make about $200 million a year. He said he lives off of the Godfather movie royalties. He said he can live and enjoy life from that and some of his other movies.
Howard asked if he was panicked when he went bankrupt. He said he would finance his own movies and at one point he owed $30 million to the banks. Howard said you never put up your own money. He asked Francis why he would do that. Francis said his bankruptcy was the same thing all three times, it was just different chapters.
Francis said he had done very well with the Godfather movies but none of the studios wanted him to do the ''Apocalypse Now'' movie so he was going to do it anyway. He got money from all over the place because he wanted to make that film.
Howard said that Francis caught polio when he was 9 years old. Francis said it was pretty scary back then. He said he survived but he was paralyzed for a year and a half. He said that the March of Dimes came out and helped him out and brought him back. He said he was able to walk again after that.
Francis said he was laid up in bed for 18 months and he watched a lot of TV. He didn't have a remote back then either. He said he was doing cartoon voices and doing ventriloquism to keep busy back then too. Francis said he was into Paul Winchell and people like that when he was growing up. Howard said he has a big picture of Paul Winchell in his appointment book.
Francis told Robin she was even more beautiful in person than she is on TV. Howard thanked him thinking he was talking to him. Robin told him that he was speaking to her when he said that.
Howard asked Francis about being sent away at the age of 15 for school. Francis said he was bullied a lot as a kid and he fantasized about getting all of the smart kids together to come up with scientific things to get rid of those bullies. He said his parents took him and sent him away. He said his parents found the papers where he had these plans to get rid of the bullies and sent him away to military school.
Howard asked Francis about this women who took his virginity. Francis said she was 25 and he was 18 at the time. He said that he never would have guessed that the part of your body that you use for peeing would be used for such a thing as having sex. He said no one ever told him about that.
Howard said Francis had a lot of fun doing that and then he started making movies. Francis said he really wanted to have kids and had a 3 by the time he was 30.
Francis said his kids were playing on the sets of the movies. He said they'd help out and they were always with him and he really enjoyed having them around. He said his daughter got into directing and that was great. Howard said that she did a great job too and you never know how that's going to turn out.
Howard mentioned that Francis didn't want to direct The Godfather movies at first. Francis said there was a lot of stuff in the book he didn't want to direct like the parts about the woman with the gynecological thing. Francis said that they decided to make The Godfather low budget and he was Italian and they figured that he wouldn't cause so much guff if the movie caused some controversy.
Francis said the first script wasn't very good so he had to do a rewrite. He said that he didn't want to do the movie though. He wanted to do some other stuff and just wrote the script trying to make that happen. Francis said he thinks he got $75,000 and 6 percent of the net. He said that wasn't good back then. He said that they offered him two deals and one of them was more net and less money. Francis said that he came to admire Mario Puzzo and that's when he decided to do the movie.
Howard said Francis was told to get big names for the movie but he stuck to his guns and cast the movie the way he wanted to. He said that many of the people in the movie were unknowns and even Brando was considered poison at the time. He said it's similar to the movie ''Tetro'' (Tetro.com) that he has coming out. He said they told him the same thing about Vincent Gallo in this new movie. He said it turned out to be great working with him.
Howard said he read that they wanted Ryan O'Neall to play the part of Michael in Godfather. He said he had to turn that down. He said he needed someone who looked Italian.
Howard said the movie may not have been what it was if they had forced him to make it the way they wanted. Francis said they wanted to do it in current times, the 1970s, and in some city other than New York. He said he wanted to do a period piece in New York.
Francis said that he didn't want to do Godfather 2 either. He thought that it would be just one part and not a series.
Howard asked where Francis lives. Francis said that he lives out in San Francisco now and he lives near George Lucas. He said he has his own Jet to fly in. Howard said that's great. He asked what kind of plane it is. He said it's a Gulfstream 100. Next year he's getting a new Falcon 7X. He said that costs about 50 million and it can fly really far. It doesn't burn a lot of gas so it can fly really far.
Howard said Francis could be getting a lot of chicks if he was single. Francis said he's wondering why there are no girls in there today. Artie said maybe they should have him in to do a Playboy evaluation. Howard said they could do that. Robin said they could have him in with Ham Hands Bill.
Howard asked Francis how his sister Talia Shire is doing. He said she's great and such a neat person. Howard asked if he put up his own money for this new movie ''Tetro.'' Francis said he does that for every movie he makes. He said that this is his second career. He said he makes money doing other things and he puts up his own money for this stuff.
Francis talked about the movie ''Tetro'' and told Howard what it's about. He said that it's about a brother who loses his brother and goes out to find him and eventually finds out why he left.
Howard asked what kind of money he put up for this ''Tetro'' movie. Francis said that he can't say because they're a private company, but it was somewhere between $6 million and $15 million. He said he can put up $15 million and lose it and still be okay.
Howard said he wishes that Francis was his father. He said that he's seen Francis in a commercial with his daughter and it looks so great to have a family like that. Howard asked if he's going to leave all of his money to his kids. Francis said he will do that.
Howard gave Francis some plugs for this movie ''Tetro'' which opens on June 11th in New York and goes nationwide on the 19th. Francis said that it is in black and white and he knows that it may not make the kind of money it would in color. He said he was told it would make about half. He said he's fine with that though. He said he felt it should be made in black and white.
Howard asked if there is any nudity in the movie. Francis said that Vincent Gallo and a woman in the movie do have some nudity.
Francis said some of the lowest moments of his career were when he had to get some women naked for the Dracula movie he made and the girls came in and said that they were all upset that they had to get naked. He said it's best to get a gay assistant director that can tell the girls to take their clothes off. He said the girls don't want to do it if they think that you're nervous about it.
Howard said he felt bad for Mary McCormack when she was supposed to be topless in bed with him. He said he did a love scene in his movie and had a boner the whole time. Howard said he was told it was all technical and he wouldn't get the boner but he did. Francis said she must have been really cute.
Gary said that Vincent Gallo got oral sex in one of the movies he did. Francis said that must have been a prosthetic.
Howard told Francis that Artie can do any scene from The Godfather. Francis gave him a scene and Artie started to recite it. He got one line wrong so Francis corrected him. Artie went on and recited the rest of the scene and had line after line right on.
Howard said that was very nice. Francis told him that was very good. Artie said it was the most exciting moment in his life. Howard told Francis to pick a scene from his movie ''Beer League'' and Francis would recite it. Francis had no idea what movie they were talking about.
Francis said he can sing any song from any musical made up to Hair. They threw out some musicals and Francis would sing some songs from them.
Artie said he can do a Lee J. Cobb impression from ''On the Waterfront.'' They had mentioned that with Francis so Artie did an impression of that movie. He knew that pretty well too. Artie knew some other scenes from various movies and wanted to do some other stuff.
Robin asked how much of Godfather was Marlon Brando and how much of it was the script. Francis said that they treated him with respect on the set and he was easy to work with on the movie. He said Marlon went with anything that they wanted him to. Francis said a lot of what he did with the pausing was him trying to remember his lines. He said that happens in real life too though so it worked.
Howard asked if Marlon was a real asshole on Apocalypse Now. He said that Marlon was like a kid and he had his ways about him. He said he was a sweet guy. Howard asked if he had girls on the set all the time. He said he did on Apocalypse Now. Francis said that he took direction very well. He said he was a brilliant man and he went his own way. He said when you do that, that's when people start talking about you.
Howard gave Francis some more plugs for ''Tetro'' and said that you can find out more at Tetro.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Francis who he would like to work with as far as an actress. He said he'd like to work with Meryl Streep. He said he would also like to work with Jack Nicholson again. He said he's never been able to afford to work with him.
Ham Hands Bill called in and asked what it was like when he was paralyzed and if he was ever jacked off by the woman who helped him out. Francis said the woman was older with white hair and she was an angel to him and saved him. He said he didn't even know about those things at that time.
Another caller said he appreciates his line of wines and asked what he thinks about people who spend $800 on a bottle. Howard explained to Francis that Robin had ordered an $800 bottle of wine at dinner one night. Howard said they ordered several bottles so he was shocked at how much it was. Francis said the cost is multiplied in a restaurant. He said wine is sort of in the category of fine arts so there are some that are very expensive. He said he drinks it almost every day but not very much of it.
Artie had to do more of his Godfather lines for Francis. Francis asked him to do some lines from ''Tetro'' after he sees it. Howard said Artie can remember those lines after seeing the movie just once.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said this made her day. She said that he made Al Pacino's career. Francis said that Godfather did make him. Howard asked if he gets a card thanking him for that every year. He said he hears from him sometimes. He said he's a very intelligent guy.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked if he had ever had a threesome. Francis said that he has but it was when he was very young. He said he was married at 21 so it was something very early on. Howard asked if he had ever cheated on his wife. Francis said there are some things that are better not asked. He said that he never lies about that stuff.
Howard said he could do this all day long. Francis said that he could stay. Artie said that when a young person hasn't seen The Godfather he loves to show it to them. He said he loves to see them see it for the first time.
Artie asked if it was true that he was afraid that real mobsters were going to do something to the guys in the movie. Francis said he never worried about that.
Howard said it seems like Francis has the life. Francis said that he really does. He's 70 years old and he has a 22 year old granddaughter that just graduated college. Howard asked if he can still get it up. Francis said he has never had a problem and has never had to take a pill. Howard said he hopes that never goes away for him. Francis said that it shouldn't.
Howard said Francis is doing his own thing and has this new movie coming out. Francis said he's working on another script already too. Artie said that he would love to work with him. Francis told him he might have to show up to some exotic places to do them. Artie was fine with that of course.
Howard gave Francis some more plugs and said it was a great thrill... for Francis to meet him. Francis asked him to say some nice things about Mark Coppola. Howard just told Francis that he's a big fan of his and his wine. They spent a little more time talking about the wine as well. Howard said he had the $17 bottle of wine and it was really good.
Artie apologized for being the 40,000th asshole to quote The Godfather to him. Francis said he was very good at remembering an obscure scene.
Howard told Francis that they were going to be playing Win Fred's Money next. He told Francis how a woman would probably end up naked in there during that game. He thanked Francis for coming in and said he was an interesting guy. Robin said it was an honor to have him there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said they did the interview with Denise Richards last week and she mentioned that she had 3 boob jobs and now it's become a big story. He said it's made the rounds on every show.
Denise was on the Jimmy Fallon show and talked about the interview she did. Howard played some audio of that and then some audio of some other interviews that she did after that. Denise said she didn't just come out and say it, Howard had asked her about it and no one else had before.
Howard said with the ABC news they don't bring up that he brought it out in the interview. He said that they make light of it and he's the one asking those questions and they're not.
Howard said Billy Bush has a raido show and he totally ignores the fact that it came from his show and pretended like he did it on his own show. Howard had some audio of that and Billy says that she came out with that on his show. Howard said he's going to talk about this on Letterman tonight if he can remember to do it. He said he knows he'll forget about it though.
Howard said he'd like to just go up and do a monologue instead. He said he would like to talk about what a shitty business this radio business is. He said he wants to talk about SIRIUS and what it's meant to his career but Dave will think he's plugging it.
Howard said Dave used to not let people show clips from their movies. He said they had to convince Dave to let people do that. Now he feels that Dave is going to think he's there to plug and so what if he is? He said that's why people go on those shows.
Howard said he wants to talk about what's going on in the business so he'll do the best he can. he said he may ask Dave to have the audience leave or maybe have the band leave. Howard said he may even ask to sit in Dave's chair and switch places with him. Robin said Rosie O'Donnell actually switched the seats on her interview because she prefers the angles from the other side. Howard said you know you're ugly when you have to do that.
Howard said he loves that this Billy Bush took credit for himself on his show. Howard played the clip again and said that guy is a cocksucker. Howard said he's his new scumbag. Billy had said ''I just call it like I see it.'' Howard said that's pretty a bush league move to pull.
Howard said he had about 20 other mentions of the Denise Richards interview. Howard said Mario Lopez mentioned he heard it on Howard Stern so he's fine with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the Francis Ford Coppola interview was great. He told Artie he was glad he kept his mouth shut most of the interview too. Artie said he can take good direction.
Howard said he wanted to talk to Francis about the use of computers in movies these days and how that has changed the way movies are made. He said he wasn't sure people wanted to hear about that though.
Another caller said it was a great interview and he loves that Artie stayed back until he was needed like he did. Artie laughed and thanked the guy for that.
Howard said Robin came out during the break and spoke to Francis and he was watching the two of them. He said Francis looked down at Robin's arm and her arm is the size of a door. Howard said he saw Francis look down and he started to form the words to ask what happened, then he clammed up. Howard said he may have figured it was something that it was something permanent. Howard said he told Mr. Coppola that she had just broken her wrist.
Howard said that giant foam piece should be changed to a flower basket. Robin said she was thinking a pet bed instead.
Howard said this guy Jason and his girlfriend Marianne were coming in to play Win Fred's Money. Howard said hi to Marianne who was very beautiful according to Howard. Howard heard that Jason wasn't very confident either. Howard said Marianne is the confident one. Marianne said she's been listening to the show for 14 years and she's just trying to get mentally prepared.
Howard asked Jason if he's a smart guy. He said he went to the university of Southern Oregon. He got a 1010 on his SATs. Howard said he must be street smart. He said he has beaten Fred when playing along on the raido though.
Howard asked Jason how long he's been banging Marianne. He said it's been about 6 months. Marianne said that she's not in love with him yet. Jason said they're getting there. Robin asked what she's hanging around for them. She said they're just taking it casually right now.
Howard had Marianne get behind the curtain and get naked. Artie wondered why they were bothering with the curtain. He figured Fred was going to kill him. Howard asked how big her boobs were. She said they were 34-C. Howard asked Jason if she's good in bed. He said she is. He said he's not a commitment kind of guy though. He said he doesn't cheat on her or anything though. Howard asked if she's got a tight vagina. He said it's good.
Howard said they were going to play the game and sent Fred to the booth so he can't hear anything. They had music going for him so he can't hear. He spent a little more time asking questions and finding out that they had never done anal. Howard asked if she's ever tried it with a girl. Marianne said she did try a girl when she was younger. She said she had heard about it on the show and tried it out.
Howard asked Marianne about the lesbian thing. She said that it was a roommate she had who was a lesbian. She said that she's still a lesbian as a matter of fact. Howard asked for more details and found out that they just made the moves and went for it. Howard asked if she removed the other girl's clothing. Marianne said that she did.
Howard asked about who licked who first. She said that the other woman did her. She said that she had a toy that she played with. Howard asked if she licked and vibrated at the same time. She said she did. She said that her tongue never did touch her ass.
Howard asked how long the session lasted. She said it was about a half hour but most of it was kissing and fondling. Marianne said it was the end of their friendship after that. They were still close friends for a couple of years after that but they only lived together for about 6 more months.
Howard got to the game and read the questions. Jason had to get as many of the 7 correct as possible. Here are the questions and correct answers:
Artie told Marianne that in her release it said that if he did that bad then they all get to bang her. Fred said that even his 6 year old daughter knows that the closest star is the sun. Howard said that Fred had just won them the opportunity to see Marianne naked.
the guys raised the curtain and Howard said it was a shocker that she looked as good as she did. Howard said he was in love. He said they were real breasts too. Fred asked what the other thing was on her. She had a bad tattoo on her. Howard said it was a square with a hole in it. It was a Palauan flag.
Howard told Marianne she should be working in a strip club. Howard told Jason he's very lucky. He asked if he knew what that tattoo was. Jason said he didn't know what it was either. He had to ask.
Howard said Jason should be in love with this woman. He said he's ''in like'' with her. Howard asked Marianne how she was feeling. She said she was feeling very unsexual right about then.
Howard gave Marianne and Jason a $500 prize courtesy of the Man Groomer. Howard got in some plugs for the Man Groomer. Artie told Jason to take 50 cents of that money and buy a newspaper.
A caller said that whoever is writing the questions should be fired. He said that Gerald Ford wasn't shot, he was shot at. The guys talked about that for a short time and said the correct question should have been ''shot at.'' Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said it's weird when they make the guitar come out of one side of the speakers. He was about to try and sing along to the song but he didn't know the lyrics so he stopped himself.
Howard said he had a couple of things to play but they were running out of time. Howard said he was hearing something playing though. It turned out to be Artie's iPod playing. Artie apologized for that.
Howard said they had this doctor on The Today Show by the name of Dr. Janet Taylor and the host screwed up and said ''Dr. Genitalia.'' Howard said it was close to Genitalia so it was an easy mistake.
Howard had a clip of John the Stutterer and Sean the high pitched stutterer in a Dueling Banjos thing that Dan the Song Parody Man created. He played that and got some laughs out of the guys. Howard said that was pretty good.
Howard said Dan also took some clips of that porn chick who says ''Can I taste your juice'' and put that into a few songs. Artie was laughing his ass off at some of those. Dan had thrown those clips into a bunch of songs. Howard said they went on and on and on.
Howard wondered what Jay is going to have John doing. Howard said he may talk about what a creep Jay is on Letterman tonight. Howard said if John isn't going to be the announcer then Jay must be unhappy with the way he does his job. He said they keep cutting John's job down to nothing. He said he still maintains that John won't get fired because of what went on between him and Jay.
Steve said they have some news about High Pitch Eric running into Paul Shaffer who got him tickets to tonight's show. Then Eric said that he had been moved to a later taping so he won't be at Howard's taping.
Howard said Stuttering John was always great on his show and they never used that on Jay's show. Howard said if there's a failure in all of that, it's Jay's. He said that Jay failed to bring that part of John into the Tonight Show.
Steve said that they now have 50 clubs on the list that Captain Janks ripped off. Janks may owe as much as $20,000. Artie said he raised 10 grand and now his lawyer has to weed through all of that bullshit.
Steve said that Jackie's show ''Jokeland'' is opening up at Iridium on Broadway this week. His first guest is Billy West. Howard said it sounds like Jackie at a desk doing his own show. He thought he was going to be doing a comedy show. Steve got in a plug for Underdog Lady's show tonight as he wrapped up his news preview.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to be talking about today. They ended up talking about Robin's broken wrist for a short time during that.
Robin read some news about David Carradine's death and talked about how disturbing it was to think that he was doing that at the age of 72. Howard said it's an amazing thing. He said the story has so much intrigue. He said they heard he was hanging and then found out that it was accidental and that he was nude with his hands behind his back and a rope around his neck, feet bound and all of that to jerk off.
Howard said he's into jerking off just like the next guy but he's never understood this way of jerking off. Howard said he managed to live until 72 doing it though. Then his family came out and said there's no way he hung himself masturbating. Howard said the NY Post came out with the headline ''HUNG FU.'' Howard said he just wants to make sure his father doesn't do something like this.
Howard said now they're saying that an ex-wife is saying that he was one kinky son of a bitch and this wouldn't be out of the question. Howard said the family is all upset about it and saying that he was over there uncovering a secret society and they came and got him.
Sal came in and Howard said he can imagine Sal dying from something like this. Sal said the headline that Howard was talking about actually said ''Hung Fu Kin'' so it looked like they were saying ''Hung Fuckin.'' Howard said only Sal would see that.
Howard said David Carradine was a working actor and a working actor never kills themselves. Artie said that he had a chick banging him one time and she asked him to choke her. Artie said he's afraid to do that though. He'd be afraid of killing the chick. Howard said he's not sure what the turn on is.
Robin said she saw this on an episode of Weeds where Kevin Nealon was trying to get off that way. You don't dangle yourself from something, you just kind of let your body go limp with a chair under you so you can stand up after you reach your orgasm. Robin said that Carradine had even bound his feet though.
Robin said that Carradine had a rope around his genitals too. Robin said the ex-wife said he was into that kind of stuff but the family is saying no, he was investigating gangs.
Robin read about Britney Spears being naked again. She's got temporary tattoos covering up her nips. Howard said they ''leaked'' some pictures of her and he thinks that the person who leaked them is Britney herself.
Robin read about this Heidi and Spencer from ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'' are now threatening to sue NBC over their treatment on the show.
Robin had some news about Sarah Palin and had some audio of her screaming at some event she was at in Westchester, New York. Howard said he's glad she didn't end up as the Vice President.
Robin mentioned the Tony Awards and read about some of the winners. That led to the guys talking about Angela Lansbury and how long she's been in the business.
Robin said that they're now finding the bodies from the Air France crash. Robin said they've found 17 bodies so far. The plane went down a week ago. Robin said they're finding some wreckage now as well. Robin said they're still trying to find the black box and it's very difficult to find. Robin said that they may never find it because it could be so deep.
Howard said he got a letter from a pilot who said that the only horror the people probably suffered was the turbulence. If they lost pressure they were probably knocked out almost immediately. The writer said that they probably didn't suffer much at all.
Howard said he got a letter from someone who said that Eminem actually rehearsed the bit with Sacha Baron Cohen (Bruno) on the MTV awards. The guy said that this stunt had been done back in 1992 when Howard flew in on the MTV VMAs as Fartman. Howard said he had to thank this guy for pointing this stuff out. His name was Philip something but Howard said his name was nowhere on the column.
Robin read about these reporters, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, who have been convicted of entering North Korea illegally and sentenced to 12 years in prison for spying. Howard said Lisa Ling is Laura Ling's sister. Howard said that Lisa was on The View for a while. Howard said she's very attractive. Howard said Laura was working for some network. Benjy said it was Current TV. Howard said you have to explain to people that this kind of thing can happen. Howard said that they have to do 12 years of hard labor over there. Howard said Lisa must be freaking out.
Robin said that Kim Jong Il may be holding them hostage so he can get some private talks with the President. That's the theory floating around anyway. Robin said that Hillary Clinton has asked them to release the women but nothing is happening. They had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 10:15am, Robin got right back to her news. She read about the first black, female, Rabbi being ordained. Howard said that's great news. He said he's always envied black churches because they're so fun and maybe that's what it'll be like with this black Rabbi. The guys spent some time talking about that.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods making a comeback. Robin said that he finished 12 under par over the weekend. Howard said that he seems to be getting better even though most people slow down eventually. Artie said that he's really still young for a golfer. He said it's a great sport to get into but you have to be so good.
Robin read about Roger Federer's win over the weekend. Artie said he missed that and the Tony Awards this weekend. Robin read some of the details of the tennis match. She had some audio of Roger talking about his win as well.
Robin read about the box office hits this weekend. She gave all of the details about what was at number one and how ''Land of the Lost'' didn't do as well as expected. Robin said it only made $19 million while ''The Hangover'' made $42 million. Artie said that was Todd Phillips who directed that one. He's a friend of the show and directed ''Old School.''
Robin read about a poor farmer who won a huge lottery with his last few bucks. Robin also read about Mayor Bloomberg who is looking to add some women to his ad campaign. She had some audio clips of some of that.
Robin read about Brett Michaels being knocked out by a piece of the set at the Tony Awards. Robin also had a story about Thomas Hayden Church's new movie. She said that it's actually an Eddie Murphy movie but she had audio of Hayden Church talking about it. Howard let that play through and Church said that it was amazing working with Eddie. Howard asked how amazing it could have been, they were just acting. Robin had some other clips of him but Howard wasn't able to get through them. He said he had to go do Letterman this afternoon.
Artie said that he's going to be on the Eddie Trunk show tonight on Boneyard from 8-10. Howard wrapped up the show and told Robin to go rest up that wrist of her's. Robin said she may be able to stop by at Letterman tonight. Artie said he might be able to stop by as well. They ended the show around 10:30am.
Jon started off talking about Francis Ford Coppola. Gary said he couldn't believe how fast that interview went by. He said they just settled into the interview really well. He said it was an amazing interview.
Jon asked Artie if it was a dream come true for him to do the scenes for Coppola. Artie said that it was great and it was kind of like auditioning for him. He said that's what it's been like for him when he's auditioned. He said he did that for Milosh Foreman one time. He said he was auditioning for a part in ''Man in the Moon.''
Artie said he auditioned for this casting director and he got a call back to audition for Milosh. He said he went to do that and he was up for the part of Bob Zmuda who was a friend of Andy Kaufman's who helped him out with the Tony Clifton character.
Artie said he wanted to smoke a cigarette in the audition and he wasn't sure he'd be able to smoke in there. Then he walks in and the place is full of cigar smoke. Artie said that he told Milosh that he was doing alright for himself when he saw the apartment. Artie said that Paul Giamatti was the other guy up for the part and he was the one who got it.
Artie said that Milosh asked him to heckle him as if he were Tony Clifton. He told him how to do it and start heckling him at any time. Artie said he started doing it and he cursed him out and Milosh said that he believed everything he was saying. He said Milosh now wants to direct Norm in a stand-up special that he's doing.
Artie said he asked norm to call Milosh and ask how he did. He said Norm loves to give bad news and he said he didn't know how it went. He said that Norm told him that Artie was ''very American'' which may have meant that he was an asshole or something.
Artie said it was like singing Born to Run for Springsteen when he did the scenes for Coppola. Artie did some more of the Godfather scenes and talked about how he had kind of screwed up that scene he did for Coppola.
Gary said that Francis kept asking where all of the girls were. He did that in the interview and even when he got out into the hall.
Artie said that people think that's a weird guest for them but it's really an honor for them. He said that Howard hates the phonies and he loves talking about real things like they did today. He said that Coppola talks about making real movies and Howard likes to hear about the stuff they talked about today. Gary said that it sounded like Coppola had a similar childhood to Howard's except Howard didn't have polio.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that whoever called in to complain about Artie are a bunch of jerk offs. He said he likes Artie's input on the show. He said Artie is a hell of a lot funnier than Jackie ever was.
The caller asked Artie if he was nervous today doing the scene for Coppola. Artie said he was really nervous. He said he knows the movie by heart but it was tough to come up with it on the spot and he did screw it up a little bit.
The guys talked about some of Coppola's other movies and some scenes that they liked. Jon also played a clip of Coppola talking about working with Marlon Brando.
Artie talked about some of the stuff Coppola had talked about in that clip and gave the details of the whole thing. Gary said they could talk about this forever. He said that he begged Howard to have this producer Robert Evans from The Godfather on the show years ago. He said that the producer wanted to get a chick on the show and he wrote him a letter that was really funny.
The guys talked about some of the other movies that Coppola had directed. They talked about Apocalypse Now and some other stuff. Jon said that Apocalypse Now is a must see but not the ''Redux'' version.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Artie why he didn't recite the greatest line in the Godfather movie of all time. Artie said he just didn't think about it. The caller also asked Gary why Howard has to end the interview when he does and doesn't just keep him around. Gary said Howard knows how long to keep a guest on the show. He said that if they had kept him another 30 minutes then maybe it would have been too much. Gary said that if it had been going unbelievably then maybe they would have kept it going.
The caller was wondering if the character Johnny Fontaine was based on Sinatra. Artie said there were rumors that Sinatra wanted to sue over that character. Artie quoted some more lines from The Godfather that were great to him.
Gary said there was a big connection to Sinatra but they made it into not such a big deal because they didn't want a lawsuit. Gary said that Sinatra wanted to play that part but they just wouldn't let him.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Coppola was the best guest they've had or is Paul McCartney. Gary asked the caller what he thought about that. He wondered if he's as big in the movie business as Paul is in the music business. Jon said he would put Paul a very small notch above. He said it's not a huge notch though. Artie put him a step above too.
The caller said he wanted to know who the bigger star was. The guys said that it was definitely McCartney then. Gary said they don't have a lot of directors on so he was probably the biggest director.
Jon said another name that came up during that interview was John Cazale. The guys talked about how he was in 5 movies and they were all great movies. They talked about some of the other movies the guy was in like The Deer Hunter. They talked about some of his history and how he managed to get in 5 amazing movies.
Jon asked if there are any comedies that they have to see in the same way they have to see The Godfather. Artie mentioned Animal House. Gary agreed with him on that and also mentioned Blazing Saddles.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that they're wrong about Coppola being a great director. He said that you have to look at his whole body of work and he hasn't had that many great movies. He said that he's not like Woody Allen or someone like that.
The caller asked if they had read the Godfather book. Gary said he heard about how graphic it was. Gary said that he heard all of that and wondered how that could be the Godfather he knew.
The caller and Artie went back and forth talking about the Godfather movies. They were arguing about the way things were done with that movie and why they were done the way they were.
The caller was saying that the book was amazing but Artie said that the movie was amazing. The caller and Artie argued for a few minutes about that nonsense.
Another caller corrected Artie about where Patton was buried since that had come up during the earlier conversation. She said that he's actually buried in Luxemburg and not in Germany like Artie thought he was. They talked about that for a short time.
Artie told some stories about his grandfather being over in Germany during World War II and how his grandfather saved a guy by giving him his dog tags so they'd think he wasn't Jewish. They had to go to break a short time later
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Robin about her ''arm bed.'' After the clip Gary said she broke her leg years ago. He said this is her second broken bone incident.
Gary said it really sucks for Robin. He said that Robin was in a lot of pain today. He said she's on the same stuff he's on but he's not even taking it. Gary said that he took some the second night and he was kind of disappointed he didn't get as high as he did the first night.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that during the Francis Ford Coppola interview Robin mentioned that she couldn't get naked because of ''her boyfriend.'' Gary thought they talked about that during the show but maybe it was during the break. Gary said that Robin wasn't referring to her own boyfriend and was just relating that to something Coppola said.
The caller was also saying that he doesn't get why people still question Howard's judgment on guests and how long he keeps them on when he's been doing it for so long.
Another caller said that he can't believe Robin doesn't wear a helmet when she's out roller blading. Gary said he's a big proponent of helmets even though they look so stupid. Jon said he's the same way and he knows people are looking at him like he's a dork but they'll be looking at him in a different way when they fall.
Jon also talked about how Robin wasn't able to pay the rickshaw driver for taking her to the hospital. Gary said it was really nice to hear that the guy didn't want any money for helping her out. Benjy said he used to ride those things too. He said he was working for one of those companies and he would peddle so slow that guys would run up to him and make fun of him for peddling so slow.
Benjy said that guys would come back and say they made like $200 in a day and he'd make like $15 in a 12 hour day.
Benjy said that was back when he was first starting out there. He said he had to get a pseudo license to drive one but it was a one day thing.
Jon said he heard that Steve Langford is out searching for the guy who helped Robin. He said that he will probably find him too.
Gary said Steve is begging him to come with him to get his stent removed. Gary said he doesn't want him to come but he's insisting. Gary said they're just going to go to the waiting room and sit there and Steve is fine with that. He doesn't mind just going there to be there before and after it's done. He's wondering if he should let Steve do that. Jon and Benjy both said ''Yes!'' Gary said he may end up letting him come.
Another caller suggested some stuff for them to do on the show. He had some Mets questions too but Gary said they wouldn't bore the audience with that. The caller wanted to have some kind of sports contest. The guy also wanted them to do a Bubba The Love Sponge ''Beat the Booey'' game. Gary said he's not sure Bubba would even want to do something like that.
Another caller said that he thought the Coppola interview wasn't long enough. He said that interview could have gone on longer. Gary said that Howard is able to keep the interviews interesting and Howard is the one who can get that stuff out of them. Coppola was in there a long time and he got a lot of good stuff out of him. Gary said he thinks that it was a good length.
Benjy's phone rang and he actually answered it on the air. Jon told him ''No, no, no'' and muted his mic.
Gary said that Howard is able to make people feel like they're not on the air when they're in an interview and that's how he gets so much stuff out of them.
Benjy was talking to someone on the phone and asking if he could put them on the air. Jon and Gary wondered what he was doing. Gary said they were dumbfounded. Benjy said she was too. Jon told Benjy to turn his phone off. Benjy said he wasn't even doing it for himself. He just brought the show to a grinding halt.
Another caller said that he couldn't believe that Howard let Ham Hands Bill ask a stupid assed question during that Francis Ford Coppola interview. He said he deserves some respect from them. Gary said that when you see the interview it's a different thing. He said Howard didn't know what Bill was going to ask but he can gauge whether or not the guy can handle a question like that. Gary said he thought he was 10 times cooler when he did answer it.
Gary told the caller that it is still the Howard Stern Show. The caller said it ruined the interview. Gary said it didn't ruin it for anyone else, not even for Francis Ford Coppola.
Gary said that Marianne was a very regular girl and the interview was pretty interesting. Benjy said that they'll probably end up breaking up soon based on what he heard today. Gary agreed with that.
Another caller said that she thought Robin was so annoying today. She said Robin had to say the answers first and she always interrupts. She said that Robin should play Win Fred's Money. She seems to know everything anyway. The caller said she could give the money to charity. Gary asked the caller what Robin should have to do if she loses. She didn't have any good suggestions other than giving one of her horses away.
Benjy said he thinks it would be great if they had some fake answers and checked to see if Robin went along with the fake answers and claimed she knew it. Gary said there might be a bit there.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked how they pick people to play that game. Gary said they need guys who have a girl who is willing to come in and get naked and also has some knowledge to go up against Fred. Gary said if you have something interesting going on in your life, that helps too.
The caller asked about interviewing Dave Matthews and if they've ever thought about that. Gary said he just watched an interview with him recently and he's really not that interesting as an interview. Gary said he met him once up at K-Rock and he mentioned it to him and he wasn't that interested in doing it. He said that they're not really interested in his music either so he has no reason to come up there.
Another caller said that they've had come great guests on the show lately and they've turned it up a notch. Gary said it's very cyclical and in a couple of months they may not have that kind of list of guests.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that they should make Robin talk about her experiences with Jim Florentine if she plays Win Fred's Money and loses. Gary and Jon seemed to like that idea.
Another caller asked about the Win Jon's Money game. Gary said it's hard to find TV nerds with hot wives. Jon said he's willing to take on anyone and hasn't backed out of that game.
Another caller said he's been listening to them for months now and loves the show. He asked the guys if they ever ask those kind of questions off the air. Gary said he had a real estate agent tell him that Howard would love to see ''these.'' Gary said that he wasn't interested in having that conversation at the time though. He said he found it interesting that she brought that up though.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up some other comedy movies that they might want to put on their best comedies list. Gary said that Stripes is another one that he might want to show to his kids soon. Jon said he just passed his DVD of Blazing Saddles to Sal recently because he had never seen it before. He said Sal loved it of course.
A caller asked why Jason never gets the pictures of the hot chicks up on the web site immediately. Gary said that's not Jason's fault usually. They're working on getting that fixed though. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about listening to some Underdog Lady (Suzanne Muldowney) show clips. Robin said she was listening last night. She said she didn't enjoy it but she couldn't stop listening. Howard said she really is boring but you do get sucked into her universe. Robin said she listened to the whole thing and somehow got sucked into that.
Howard said he was listening to a clip of her talking about how he's going to face stiff penalties for something. He said that he's not even sure that she knows she's working for his channels. Robin said that she was giving out the name of the channels last night.
Artie let out a sneeze and apologized for doing that. He said he's got the worst allergies in years this year.
JD came in and told Howard about some of the stuff she was doing last night. She was screaming at people. Howard played one of those clips and she yelled ''Get lost!'' at one point and it sounded like a different person because her voice had changed. Howard played that clip.
In the clip Underdog took a call from a guy who asked what traumatic incident happened to her in college. Underdog told the caller that she had many incidents at college. Howard cut it off and said that Suzanne should know that it's not his fault that people were making fun of her in college. He was nowhere around at that time.
In the clip Suzanne goes on to explain what had gone on at college when she was there. The caller asked her what happened to her that was so deep and dark in her memories. Suzanne explained to the caller what was going on and how she was maltreated and was never apologized to. She said she was assaulted. Suzanne said she was pinned down by the limbs and had things thrown at her face. Suzanne also told a story about a woman who was on her train that had maltreated her. She told that woman to ''Get lost!'' on the train.
Howard said he was imagining that these were guys who were treating her poorly. It turns out she went to an all girls school. Artie said that girls can be brutal. He said he's seen some guys get the shit kicked out of girls. Howard said he was going to play more clips but he thought it might be boring.
Howard said they were asking him to sign things so he tried to make his way across the street. He said there was traffic and kind of dangerous. Howard said he'd go over after his appearance if the stuck around. Mariann said that she's glad that he came out because the fans were going to crucify her for jumping the fence.
Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn broke free of the barrier and screamed his name. Howard said she was making moves like she wanted to hug him or something and it scared him. He said that he thought she was going to jump up on him or something. He told her that she was scaring him.
Howard said he went over to sign stuff after his appearance. He had to cross the street to do it. He said Eddie the Produce Guy had about 50,000 things for him to sign. He said he kept repeating his name over and over and he asked him why he was standing out there. He said he's been on the show and he must have a job to go to. Howard said he was standing there and tried to sign some things. Then there are people who are professional autograph seekers. He said they have one thing and then 50 more that they want to get signed. He said that they must sell them somewhere.
Mariann said she saw the musical notes that people had him signing. Howard said it's some strange shape that they have him sign and he's not sure exactly what it is. He said it's like a musical note but not really. He said he was signing that and then saw High Pitch Eric there. He had him on the phone and asked if he's supposed to be in jail. Robin had asked about that.
High Pitch was screaming to Howard and he sees him all the time when he comes up to the studio. Howard said he saw Eric there and he asked him to sign his arm. He's signed a million things for him in the past. Howard said he has tattoos on his arm. Eric said he has the Howard 100 fist on his arm. Howard asked Eric what he does when he signs his arm. Eric said he might get it tattooed there. Howard said there's no point in getting it signed. Howard asked Eric if he bathes. Eric said he will put plastic over his arm today so it doesn't wash off.
Howard said they had these barriers up over there and he was afraid they were going to surge forward. He said he was afraid Eric was going to get his autograph so he can forge checks or something.
Eric said he took his shirt off for Howard when his limo showed up. Mariann said she loves to see Howard and the whole crowd was having a Howard Festival there.
Howard said he showed up around 3:30 and was surprised to see them all still there when he got out. Mariann said he was awesome on Letterman. She said he looked great and his hair looked good too. Robin saw him too and he did look good.
Eric said that Irish John had asked if Howard bad mouthed Jay Leno and he said he did. He said that was great. Howard said that's right.
Mariann said that it was fantastic going out to see him yesterday. Howard thanked her and let her go a short time later. Artie said that he's the laziest fuck in the world but he moved his arms to take his headset off while she was talking.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said this was his best appearance ever on Letterman. He said he liked everything he was saying about Dave and Leno and all of that. Howard said he was glad to hear that. He said he's a neurotic guy and he hates doing these shows. He said Dave asked him why he had stayed away so long. Howard was at a loss for words and Dave told him he knows why, he's the same way.
Howard said he had to stand around back stage and there's a lot of neurosis going on. Howard said that Mos Def was the other guest on the show. He said he wanted to dance with Dave when he came out but Dave ran off. Howard said he was going to run to him to get him to dance but that wasn't going to happen.
Bobo said that there was someone running in the background in the start of the show and he saw someone running in the background. Howard said he didn't know what was going on there.
Artie said he had his girlfriend over last night and told her to watch Howard on Letterman. She woke him up at 5 this morning and told him that Howard is really great the way he messes with Dave on that show. Howard said he tried to talk to Dave about his wedding but he doesn't want to talk about that stuff. Howard said Dave isn't a very good guest on his own show.
Bobo said he liked the way Howard changed the subject when Dave asked him about starting a family. Howard said he thinks that if he had Dave alone in a studio he could have had a real conversation with him. He said he'd like to know more about his wedding. He said it's hard to talk to the guy with the audience there though. He said it's not that kind of a show.
Howard said he was able to work in the plugs for SIRIUS last night. He figures that Scott Greenstein wasn't happy with the number of times he got in the plugs though. Howard said it was nice to see Dave and he was treated very well there.
Howard took a call from a Pittsburgh Pete who said Howard reminded him of Richard Lewis the way he was dressed in all black. He said he was like the typical Jewish guy who was uptight and flailing his arms all over the place. Artie said he wasn't doing a Richard Lewis impression. Howard told the guy he was entitled to his opinion of course. Howard said his agent told him that he seemed relaxed on the show.
Robin said Howard seemed to be very comfortable. Howard said he felt very loose and in control and not like Pete was saying.
Howard said Dave didn't seem happy about his wedding when he brought it up. Robin said she liked the way Howard said that Dave had taken his wife and ''threw her into the back of a truck'' to go get married.
Pete said it would have been great if Howard had brought Beth out to confront them about how she was blackballed from the show when she started dating Howard. Howard said Beth wouldn't be comfortable doing that. He said she did used to work for the show before and they stopped using her when he started dating him and they claim that's not the case.
Pete asked Howard what Dave does for him. Howard said Dave did the History of Howard Stern and he also put him on his Late Night show when he was starting out and that was a big break for him. He said Dave has been very good to him. Howard said that he's got tremendous respect for Dave.
Howard said Beth was out in Pittsburgh so Pete asked where she was at. Howard said she's shooting the cover of Pittsburgh magazine today. She's also visiting her parents.
Pete asked if Beth would smoke a joint with him. Howard said she's not a joint smoker. He said that she might party with someone from the show though.
Pete said he was looking on the channel guide for Howard's name and it wasn't listed. Howard said that might be because he was a last minute booking. Pete said that Ass Napkin Ed is a douche bag and got off the line.
Howard said that Ass Napkin Ed has been leaving voice mails for Gary lately. He played some of those clips. The first one was Ed talking about shitting his bed again. Ed also said that he got a job and had to go out and break his back lifting heavy stuff. In another one Ed asked Gary to have Artie give him a call. He had a ''situation'' he had to talk to him about. Ed's calls go on all day long. Gary said that the one Howard is playing is about 10 messages and there are actually about 30 a day.
Artie said that he thinks that Ed is lying about cleaning up his bed. Robin said he's the kind of guy who should be twittering.
Howard said they stopped twittering about 3 weeks ago. Gary said no one has complained about it either. Even Tim Sabean didn't know they had stopped. Howard asked what their last Twitter was. Gary wasn't sure.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that Twitter sucks. Howard said it really does. He said that Tim was the one who was so high on doing it. Howard said they weren't going to put any energy into it because he'd rather put it toward the show. Gary said their last Twitter was ''Here's the news with Robin.'' Howard said that whole thing was silly.
Wheels said that Howard's dancing was kind of cool on Letterman but he told him not to raise his hands above his shoulders. Howard said he didn't have a good song to dance to either.
Wheels said that Dave is never going to talk about his wedding, he's had his wife in the closet for the past 20 years. Howard said it's really not that kind of show either. He said it was fine though.
Artie said he has to stick to the script when he does a show like that. He said he has to hit jokes and he just loves the way Howard does it. He said that's what he aspires to. Howard thanked him for that.
A caller said that everyone was blowing smoke up his ass and he wants to give his real thoughts on this appearance. Howard said that this guy, Claire, picked a female name as a fake name to call in with. The guy was really angry and said he was in touch with his female side.
Claire said Howard's first segment was great but then the second segment was boring and then the third was just weird and uncomfortable. Howard said he may have stayed too long at the party. Claire said the third segment just sucked. Howard said this is why he hates doing these shows, because of fuckwads like this guy who criticize his every move. Howard said he doesn't want to be critiqued every minute.
Artie asked the guy if he really thinks Howard sucked on Letterman. Claire said that he didn't suck, it just wasn't that great. Howard said he did get in that one good segment at least.
The caller asked Howard why he doesn't become a real animal activist. He said that the ASPCA doesn't care about all of the animals being slaughtered. Howard said that this guy is so angry. Claire was asking when he's going to become a vegan. Howard said he never said he was an animal activist. The guy said that Howard claims to be one when he says he's out helping the animals.
Fred said that Claire started out with a great first question but it fell off in the second and third. He said he started off at a 10 and fell off to a 2 or 3. Claire said that Fred is like a pit bull when he does that. Howard said that in Claire's defense, he did get him to stop saying ''backslash.''
Claire was going off on Fred about where he went to school and just going on and on so Howard hung up on him. He said he was getting very boring. Howard said he never said he wanted to be an animal activist or a Vegan like Claire told him to be. Howard said he doesn't claim to be some kind of animal rights guy.
Howard said they have the Guess the Tranny game coming up later. He took another call from a guy who said that the pictures they had on Letterman were great. Howard said he thought it would be fun to bring them on. The caller told Howard not to listen to Claire, he's a douche.
Benjy said he was curious about doing Letterman and sticking to doing jokes. He asked if he wrote a lot of jokes and if it was planned out. Howard said about 80 percent of it was planned out. He said it's weird and he did write some of the stuff out but then Dave throws stuff in and he gets off of that.
Howard said that Dave asked him about Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno stunt at the MTV awards. He said that Dave brought up how he had done the same thing back in 1992. Howard said he was thrown by it and he really wanted to say that he's a big fan of Sacha Baron Cohen.
Howard said that Dave asked him some questions that the audience had submitted. Howard said one of them was ''I'm married for 2 days, now what?'' Howard said he just said that he goes to a shrink to help him out. Fred asked about Dave revealing that he goes to therapy and if that was something new. Howard said it may have been a new revelation. Howard said it was pretty interesting.
Howard took a call from another guy who liked the appearance. Robin told Howard that Dave had a strange move when Dave moved the hair out of his face in a loving way. Artie said he saw Dave do that to Jennifer Aniston and actually put her hair in his mouth. He said Jennifer didn't know what to do.
Another caller asked Howard what kind of strange things fans have done to him. Howard said that the fans are usually pretty normal. He said his fans are great and they're very successful overall. He said High Pitch is part of the circus of the show but he hasn't had any crazy experiences. That caller asked for a tour of the studio. Howard put him on hold and told Gary to set him up.
Another caller asked how stressful his weekend was knowing he had to do this Letterman thing and the Francis Ford Coppola interview. Howard said he had forgotten about Coppola so he didn't stress out about that. He said he had tried his wine over the weekend in preparation for that.
Artie said a fan asked an interesting question on the Wrap UP Show about who the bigger interview was, Paul McCartney or Coppola. Howard said it was Paul. He said he thinks that both interviews were great too. Howard said it's hard to say who was better but Coppola was fresher in his mind. He said Paul was the bigger star though. Howard said that the Godfather movies are like the Beatles of film so it was amazing having him in.
Howard was going to play some clips from the Letterman appearance. He said he wasn't sure he wanted to listen to it though. Robin said she wanted to hear it. Howard said he didn't know if it was interesting to listen to for the fans.
Howard said he'd play one segment and see how it goes. He played the opening where he came out dancing and Dave ran off. In the clip Howard said he doesn't usually do that and the look on Dave's face showed that it threw him off. Howard talked about Ben Stiller going on the Ellen Degeneres show and not wanting to dance. Howard said he didn't want to disappoint the audience so he came out and danced.
Dave moved the hair off of Howard's face telling him that it was making him a little batty. That led to Howard talking about how he's 55 and hadn't been on the show in a long time. Howard told Dave that it was a lot of pressure on him to come on there. Howard then brought up Conan taking over the Tonight Show. He asked Dave if he had heard about that. Dave said he had a wire and had heard about it.
Dave brought up the Bruno thing that happened on the MTV awards and how Howard had done this 15 years ago. Howard talked about the innovation he had to fly in like that back in 1992. He said that it was a big deal back then. Howard said he's never flattered when someone copies what he does.
In the clip Howard said that Dave has to beat this Conan. Howard said Dave put him on national TV before he was known and he has stuck with Dave all this time. He said he never liked Jay. He said the guy behaves like a robot and he was reading his final speech off a teleprompter. Howard talked about the time he brought out two lesbians on the Tonight Show and Jay freaked out.
Howard talked about how awful the radio business is. He said even his father warned him that it was going to be an awful business. Howard said he loves working at SIRIUS XM and how they put a receptionist on the air there. He said that's what's great about working there. He said that chick is actually better than him. That was it for the first segment.
After the clip Howard said he didn't want to play the rest of the appearance. Artie said Howard was rockin' the house with that appearance. Howard said he'll probably not go back for 10 years after that appearance. Artie said that was fantastic.
Howard said he would have preferred to have stayed home. Howard said his whole afternoon was taken up. Howard said he figured that everyone would go out to dinner after that but he didn't end up getting together with anyone. Howard said Ralph was there and he told him that John Stamos was in town. Howard said he didn't do anything about that though. He just went home and reheated some Chinese food and watched the Bachelorette. He said he masturbated after that.
Howard said he had to get to sleep so he had to masturbate. He said he was up at 10:20 looking at the clock wondering how to get to sleep. He had to go get some porn but he realized the last time he did that, he threw out his whole porn collection. Howard said he was so disgusted with himself that he had to throw it all out.
Howard said he got a DVD from Savanna Samson recently so he got that out. He said he had to unwrap the DVD and it was a whole process. He said it's sealed up even tighter than a regular DVD. Howard said he likes having it on DVD even though you can get that stuff on the web. Artie said he has the guys at the store open them up for him before he even leaves.
Howard said Savanna comes on in this DVD and she's touching herself in a negligee. He said she's making sexy faces but no clothes are coming off. Howard said he couldn't beat off to it. He fast forwarded it and then she goes through about 30 minutes of masturbating. He said he didn't like that. He said he didn't want to see that.
Howard said Savanna eventually blows a guy and that was wild. He said that she ended up making him blow his load. He said it was 8 minutes after he had started the DVD. Howard said he should have just gone to bed and cleaned up in the morning. He said he had to throw out all of the tissues and stuff.
Howard said he didn't want to leave any evidence even though he talks about this stuff on the radio. Howard said he got to sleep at about 10:40 and then the thunderstorms kept him up. He said they were so loud. Robin said they really were. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said he was a huge fan of Howard TV. He said he watched the Denise Richard's interview and you get the best panty shot when she lifts up her shoes. He said he must have beat off a bunch of times to that this weekend. He said he was chubbed up talking about it now. Robin didn't know anything was revealed. Howard said if a girl shows anything they get hard and ready to blow a load.
Howard said he's going to look for that panty shot and have the Howard TV guys show it to him. He said he can never see that stuff live with the stuff he's got blocking his view.
Howard said he had Paula Froelich on the phone and she's a writer for Page Six. He said writing a gossip column must be hard to do. He said she manages to be around celebrities about 90 percent of the time. He said she's always around them. He asked her how she does that. Paula said she only prints about 10 percent of what she knows. She said she's around them all the time.
Paula said that sometimes these people call in information about themselves. She said that she's seen a lot of wild stuff out there. Paula said she was at a party one time and talked about Paris Hilton who had shoved her friend's hand in her cooter and shoved it back in his face. Paula said that she told her friend that he had to decontaminate before getting into her car.
Howard said Paula is the one who reported on Edie Falco's breast cancer and printed it. Paula said that she was at the Tribecca Film Festival party and Edie came up to her and said that she wanted to give her a piece of her mind about writing about her cancer. Paula said that she told Edie that she respects her but she wanted to break the story before the Enquirer did a story about her dying. Paula said she had worked with her publicist to make it a smaller story than it was going to be. They stopped it from being a four page spread in the Enquirer.
Paula said that she worked with Edie's people and Edie didn't even know that she had. Paula said that she works with those people all day long and they even called up and thanked her for helping.
Howard said he wonders if these people he talks about every day hate him or like him for talking about them. Artie said he worked with a guy before he started on the Stern Show and the guy told him he couldn't hang out with him anymore once he started on the Stern Show. He said that the guy was afraid he was going to talk about him on the show and he would never do that if the guy wasn't okay with it.
Howard asked Paula how she ended up in bed with Star Jones. Howard said he knows Robin is friendly with her. Robin said she's not that friendly with her. Paula said that she went to this hotel in Monaco and it was very expensive so they shared a room. They had a king sized bed and they had plenty of room in there.
Artie said that Paula is hot. He said he was looking at a picture of her on his monitor. Paula thought they were talking about Star Jones. Artie told her it was her, not Star. Paula thanked him for that.
Howard read about some of the parties Paula goes to and how she gets to hang out with the stars all the time. Paula talked about hanging out with Nick Nolte and how he showed her his toe nails that were painted. She said that he had claimed he did them himself. Paula said that Nick was drinking and got more and more discombobulated. She said she heard a scream from the bathroom asking for help and it turned out to be Nick taking the biggest crap with his pants around his ankles. She said she didn't write about it but she never promised not to talk about it.
Howard said that Paula has written a novel called ''Mercury in Retrograde: A Novel.'' They spent a minute on that and Howard thanked her for calling in and wished her luck with the book. He asked her to put in her column that he's rumored to have a big, thick penis even though he claims it's small. She said that's already out there.
Howard said he didn't know what ''Mercury in Retrograde'' meant. Robin said it's an astrological thing. Paula said it's basically when things just get fucked up. She told Howard what the book was about real quick before he let her go.
Howard said he would like to know how Page Six got the story about him buying a stripper a car that time. He said he heard from Richard Johnson that he had a source but he'd like to know how that came about.
Howard said that Jay was killing Dave in the ratings and he's not sure why NBC took him off and replaced him with Conan. Howard said there was no problem there and they offered Conan $40 million if Jay didn't leave. Artie said Conan denied that he was going to get 40 million when he brought it up on the show one time.
A caller said that he went to see Artie at a book signing on Saturday. He had the most gorgeous girl on his side when he showed up there. He said all of the women at the book signing were all upset that Artie had this chick on his arm. Artie said that he was being very nice. He said that is his new girlfriend. Howard asked if Artie is off the market now.
Artie said she is wonderful and like an angel in his life. He said he met her May 14th. The caller said that the girl is just the sweetest looking girl. He said he could tell just by looking in her eyes. The guy said that he's happy for Artie and he hopes his happiness continues.
Howard said Artie is coming clean about his relationship so maybe Robin should. Robin told him not to deflect onto her. Robin said she has nothing to come clean about.
Howard said Artie is going to fix that look that she gives him. Artie said he met this girl and asked her to be his girlfriend after just a couple of weeks. He said that she was ready to do that and gave him a big hug. He said his mother and sister love her too. Howard asked if they're plotting against her yet. Artie said that they might just be because they are a couple of Italian women.
Artie said that he and this girl have said they love each other. He said that she's not Italian though. He said that she's Dutch. Artie said her name is Adrienne.
Howard asked Artie how he met Adrienne. Artie said that in the past 5 years he met some wonderful girls and some heroin relationships. He said he was walking to his gym one day and Hoboken is full of hot chicks. He said before the gym there's a tanning salon. He said he looked to his right and saw the most beautiful girl he's seen in his life.
Artie wanted to go in an talk to her but didn't want to get a tan. He said he saw a straight shaves thing in the shop so he figured that was a good way to talk to her. He said that he went in and asked her when the guy was going to be there to shave. Artie said sometimes these chicks will recognize him. He said that she had no idea who he was.
Artie said she asked him for his number and she'd call him and let him know when the shaving guy would get in. Artie made some small talk and then asked her out to a Yankee game. He said she said yes to him and he told her to call. She called the next day and said she'd love to go to the Yankee game.
Artie said that he was afraid that she was going to google him and find out what's been going on. He said he wasn't able to go to the Yankee game but he invited her up to Saturday Night Live the night he was up there. He met her right in front of Radio City Music Hall and then took her up to SNL.
Artie said that Adrienne found out who he was when her boss told her who he was. He said that she got to meet Will Ferrall and people like that.
Artie said that this is the girl that he called on Craig Gass' cell phone. He said he told her about all of his problems. He said that they went back to his apartment that night and just talked until 10 in the morning and there was no sex. He said he tried but she told him to take it easy.
Artie said he knew there was something special with this girl pretty quick. He said she doesn't do heroin or anything like that and she's going to be a great influence on him. He said she'll be like Dana in that way. Artie said he told Dana himself that he's seeing this girl and both of them were upset about it.
Artie said that he cares for Dana so much. He said that the way he screwed up that relationship will never leave him. He said he still feels bad about that.
Howard asked if the guys had seen this story in the paper about this kid playing little league ball and thought he got hit in the head with a ball. It turns out he was shot in the head. He lucked out and his skull stopped the bullet. That led to Artie talking about how he's seen people get hit in the head at ball games and you can't sue them over that. He said it says right on your ticket you can't sue over stuff like that.
Artie said Dana is dating someone now too. He said he hopes she's in his life forever in some capacity. Howard said this new girl doesn't want that. Artie said he gets what happens in life and you don't want to see some people. Howard said Artie wouldn't want this new girlfriend talking to her ex. Artie said that it's impossible sometimes to stop that.
Artie said that in his new book he has a chapter about Dana and it's going to be a 10 page apology to her. He said there will be a new revelation in that chapter. Artie said he's going to end the chapter with a poem. He said he was going to tell it to them now. Artie said he can't believe he's saying this. Howard told Gary to get ready to make fun of him for being gay. Artie said there's nothing gayer than Gary's pitch.
Artie told them the poem which was a quick three line thing about how they tried to make it work and it didn't work out. Gary said that he left out a line about being a big homo that was about to cry.
Artie said it might be closure for him. He said that Dana grew up in a tough neighborhood and would really rip on him if they were fighting. Artie said that Adrienne grew up in a nice neighborhood with a doctor as a father. He said that her father almost hung up on him when he spoke to him once.
Artie said that Adrienne is 25 years old and she was born the year that he got his first DUI. He said she didn't even know what a bookie was. Fred asked Artie if he was using this girl to get to her father for his script. Robin said she loves that.
Howard asked Artie how long it's going to be before he throws this new girl out of the car and makes her buy him cigarettes. Artie said it will happen eventually. He said he warned her that he will be the one who fucks up this relationship.
Artie said that he was looking at the horoscope that day he met Adrienne and it said that ''love is on the horizon.'' He said he doesn't believe in that stuff but that's what it said that day.
Artie said they're having a good time now and he hopes that they all get to meet her soon. Robin has already met her and said that she is beautiful. Artie said she's got the most gorgeous eyes ever.
Artie said that if he falls off the wagon, he told this chick to just get the hell out. He said he told her to run, don't walk, if that happens.
Howard said he liked the poem that Artie just read. He said he's known other guys who have written poems and one chick broke up with this one guy when he had the poem framed for her. He said she broke up with him the next day after he gave it to her.
Artie said that he has written poems before and he gave some to Dana. He also gave some to other chicks he dated. Howard asked if he's going to write some for Adrienne. Artie said he has already written her one. He couldn't remember that one. He said it was written down somewhere. Artie said he's a white Maya Angelou. Artie said that he didn't want to tell this one because it was kind of personal. Howard told him it was the right move to just tell it on the air now. Artie said he wasn't sure about that. He said he might need a commercial break to remember it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved Artie's book but now hates listening to him. He said that Artie is a contradiction and he loves and hates him at the same time. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said he was glad he got in a jab at Rush Limbaugh in his Letterman appearance. He said he really despises that guy. Howard said he had forgotten about that but JD was playing the clip for him. He played that clip a second later.
In the clip Howard was talking about how huge his ratings were on terrestrial radio and how no one is left with big ratings other than this fatso Rush Limbaugh who is wishing Obama fails. He got in some jabs at Rush with Dave.
Howard said he was listening to Limbaugh being interviewed on Sean Hannity's show. Howard played some of that interview. Hannity was asking Rush about his comments about wanting Obama to fail. Rush was saying he does want him to fail. He explained why he wants him to fail and said that the way Obama is changing the way things work is wrong and he wants it all to fail.
Howard said Obama has said he doesn't want to run a car business but he wants the country to succeed so he's trying to help them make it through these tough times.
Howard said he's so glad he got in the comments about Rush. Robin said that Obama doesn't care about the people who are listening to his show. While Robin was talking about that she slipped in the word ''vicissitude'' and that got some ''Wows'' from Howard and Fred. Howard said he can never use words like that. He said he used to try finding new words in a thesaurus to use but he just never does get to use them.
Yucko the Clown called in and Artie said they made up. Yucko wished Artie luck with the new chick. Artie said that Yucko is a proud guy and he'd be there in a minute if he wanted him to do the benefit for him, but he apparently doesn't want it right now. Howard let Yucko go and replayed the farting/howling porn chick clip again.
Howard asked Robin if she made sounds like that when she got anal. Robin said she didn't. She said it didn't sound like she was having fun in that clip. Artie said it sounded like she was having a blast to him.
Howard said this guy Little Mikey has been sending in a lot of song parodies about Robin. they have even more today. He said that he's really good and he's getting in at least 2 out of 5. Gary said today it was two out of two. He had a couple of good ones that Howard quickly played. Artie said they should hire that guy, he's got a huge talent.
Howard said Richard and Sal called the Swap Shop show again. He was about to play that when he remembered the autograph signing thing. He said that the musical note looking thing was actually a pick guard that they stick on a guitar and sell it as a Howard Stern guitar. Howard said they get these people in wheelchairs to get him to sign and you can't say no. Howard said that's what it is and he hopes that no one buys that stuff.
The caller said that he thinks that Leno leaving isn't a bad thing because he's leaving when he's at number one. Howard said he's not leaving though. He said that Jay is being forced out. Howard said that's the strangest thing because there's no guarantee that Conan is going to get ratings. Howard said he may leave radio in a year and a half himself but he's not going to go off and do the show somewhere else.
Howard said that this whole Jay Leno thing is really weird. Howard said that they brought in David Lee Roth to replace him when he left terrestrial radio and that didn't work out very well. He said you don't take a known quantity and just force him out. Howard said that Conan is no David Lee Roth but it's still a strange move on NBC's part.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he doesn't watch Letterman but he wondered if he acts like he's irritated all the time. Howard said that's Dave's thing and he's very uptight. Howard said that's his thing to do and he doesn't join in on the fun. Howard said he may be playing a little bit though too. Howard said Dave ran away from him when he tried dancing with him. He said he felt like Richard Simmons.
Artie said that this girl is really in love with him and he's pretty sure he can't blow it with her. He said it wasn't ''savior'' in the poem. He said it had to be something else, he just didn't remember it right.
Howard said this girl he knew was seeing this guy for a while and she ended up getting rid of him. Howard asked her why that was. He said she told him that the guy said ''I want to make love to you'' while they were out at a movie. Howard said the guy should have said ''I want to fuck you'' and not make love. He said that's what the chick was saying. He said women are so hard to read.
Howard said his mother heard about Robin's broken wrist yesterday. He said he spoke to her about that and she was very upset about the whole thing. Howard did his impression of his mother and said that she was asking why Robin was out on the roller blades without the wrist guards. Howard said he told her that she was out without that and without a helmet. He said his mother was going crazy over the whole thing. He said she was in a panic over it all like it had happened to her.
Howard said his mother wants Robin to sit home and just relax instead of going out and roller blading. Robin said she had roller bladed for years. Howard said Central Park is so busy on a Saturday. He said it's like the Indy 500 gone to hell. He said it's like the movie Rollerball or something.
Howard said Robin was never steady on roller blades. Robin said that's not true. She said Howard has had issues too and he broke his leg running. Howard he sprained his ankle, he didn't break it. Howard said that Robin should have had her wrist guards on at least. Robin said she was comfortable skating until she fell.
Howard came back and said that they were going to play Guess the Tranny now. He said that they were going to have three women come in. Two of them were real women and one was a man. He said that the woman who is a man is actually a porn star. Howard said he worked with Janine Lindenmulder before she went to jail. Howard said they're going to ask the women questions and try to figure out which one is the Tranny.
Howard said this Tranny claims that she can get straight guys to go along with him when she dates them. Gary asked if that's gay. Howard said of course it is.
Howard said the Tranny doesn't usually let guys touch her down below and one time she had a guy pull a gun on her when he figured out what was going on.
Howard asked where the girls were at. They came walking in a moment later. Howard said he was confused because the Tranny was so well disguised. First up was Amie. She was dressed up as a super hero. Howard said he was looking at her and she looked like a woman to him. Gary asked her to remove her glasses. He said he thinks that she's a chick.
Howard asked Amie if she was a real woman. She said that she was. Gary asked her when she had her last period. She said it was today.
Howard said the next woman had to be a real woman. Howard said her voice was a little bit deep. He said her breasts were pretty big. She said they're a 36-D. Artie said he has approached hot chicks before and had them turn out to be guys. Howard said that if this chick turns out to be a dude then he's going to shit on his chair. The woman showed her boobs and Artie said either way he was going to fuck her. Her name was Vaniity. Howard said that's a very Tranny kind of name.
Robin said she wasn't sure what kind of questions to ask these women. Vaniity said she had her last period 2 weeks ago. Gary said she's so hot but her voice is kind of throwing him off. Gary asked Vaniity to put her hands out. He said they were chick hands when he saw them. Howard said her legs were very feminine too.
The third woman was Sasha. Howard said that they're trying to guess who the Tranny is and he was thinking that her voice was feminine. He asked her when she last had sex. She said that it was about an hour ago. She said that it was actually about 5 hours ago. She was up all night.
Howard said Sasha looked like a real woman to him. Gary said he had a gut feeling who it was but he wasn't sure. Artie asked if they could all throw out the first pitch at a Mets game to figure out who the Tranny is. Artie said the Tranny was on the couch.
Howard asked for the votes from the guys. Robin said it was Amie. Howard asked Amie what the outfit was that she was wearing. She was wearing a Wonder Woman outfit. She said that was her hero. She had a wig on too. Howard said she had a very feminine voice too and she looked a lot like a woman.
Gary said he was going to say that it wasn't Sasha because she didn't have a bulge in her pants. Gary said number 2, Vaniity, was a little manly looking to him. He was picking her.
Fred said that he was going to go with Amie. Benjy got in a vote for Vaniity. Artie said he wrote a poem for all three of them. Artie said that he's willing to bet $1000 that it's Vaniity. He said that was his gut feeling.
Howard said he was going to vote next. He said Vaniity is very beautiful and Amie is wearing the Wonder Woman outfit and a Tranny probably wouldn't do that. He said that Amie threw him off but he's going to say that it's Vaniity. Howard said she's very attractive if that's the case. Howard said he's voting for Vaniity.
Howard asked Sasha to drop her pants. She dropped them and there was nothing there except a vagina. Howard said she didn't even have hanging labias. Artie didn't like that they were going to do it this way.
Howard asked Amie to drop her pants next. She pulled her pants down and there was nothing there except a vagina. They were right, it was Vaniity. She pulled down her pants and showed that she had a package down there. Howard said she had a great backside, face and breasts.
The guys were shocked when they saw the penis on Vaniity. Howard said he wasn't circumcised. Gary said his cock looked like Eddie the Produce Guy's.
Vanity is the guy who banged Janine in her porno. She said that Janine was very sweet. Howard said it's very weird to be a Tranny and want to have sex with a woman. Vaniity said he didn't choose to be that way. He was tucking in his penis as he was talking. Howard asked him to show how he does that. Vaniity showed what he does and how he keeps it tucked there. He said that he can get a boner and it still stays down there. He said it stays curved down there though.
Vanity said that he doesn't want to get an operation to get it changed to a vagina because there's no guarantee that he'll feel anything. He said he wouldn't want to go through life not feeling anything.
Howard told Vaniity that he looks like a girl and it's pretty amazing. Howard said he thinks he's one of the best looking women he's seen.
Gary asked Vaniity if he goes out and fools guys in the bars. He said he used to do that but not anymore. He said that doesn't happen now. Howard asked what he would do when he would take guys home. He said that they would get drunk and he'd be able to keep them off of him pretty well. He said he would blow them and they'd be happy and he'd just never call them back.
Howard asked Vaniity about the guy who pulled a gun on him one time. Vaniity said she asked for a ride from a guy who was driving by and he turned out to be a cop. He drove him to the club she was going to and this cop flipped out when he saw him hitting on some other guys. He said the cop brought him back to his place and the guy ended up feeling his package down there. He tired to run out but the guy pulled a gun on her and told her to stop. Vaniity said that he told the guy to put the gun down and he did. He said that he called to report the incident and they told him he deserved what he got.
Howard asked Vaniity if his life was difficult growing up. He said it was. He said he was teased about his high voice and being kind of feminine. He said he always had a high voice and he was always a feminine guy.
Howard asked Vaniity if she ever had any surgery. He said he never did. He said he doesn't even have that much body hair and no facial hair and the looks just came naturally. He said that he thinks that this all came about in the womb.
Vanity said he got his boobs about 10 years ago. Howard asked Fred about being fooled. Fred said he thinks that he could have been fooled but if he had taken a chick like that home and ended up in sword fight, it would be over.
Howard said a lot of guys are going to be confused by this. Vaniity said that a lot of straight guys take her home even when they find out that he's a guy. Vaniity said that guys have gone down on him even though they're straight. Howard said the guys must bang him in the ass. He said he has banged the guys in the ass too.
Howard asked if she's like the perfect woman because she's basically a guy. Vaniity said he must be the perfect guy. Artie asked if it's true that he has Mets season tickets. Vaniity said he didn't know anything about that.
Howard asked Amie about getting two votes. She said she was fine with that. She said that she strips, models and acts. That's why she was in the Wonder Woman outfit and she didn't mind that they gave her some votes. She gave out her Myspace account at Myspace.com/funmonitor
Sasha said that she's a porn star and she's been in a lot of stuff. She said that she's got a bunch of new movies coming out and gave some plugs for a couple of web sites like BlowGuard.com. She told Howard about the DP (Double Penetration) movies that she does. Howard said he doesn't get how that works so she had to fill him in on the details.
Howard said that Vaniity was very lovely and asked her what kind of movies he does. He said that he did the Janine movie and has done both men and women on film. You can find out more at FreeJanine.com or VaniitysHardDrive.com.
Howard gave Sasha some plugs for the Blow Guard thing and asked her what that was all about. She had an explanation for it but no one seemed to understand what she was talking about.
Howard asked Vaniity about the guy he's seeing. He told Howard that the guy is straight and the guys he works with don't know that he's with him.
Ralph called in and said he knew within 2 seconds that Vaniity was a dude. He said the voice was a giveaway. Howard said when he walked in he couldn't tell. Gary said they were sober too and if you were in a bar you could be fooled even easier. Howard thanked the ladies for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and talked about how great Jimi Hendrix was. He took a call from a guy who said he was watching Letterman from his hospital bed last night and it was a great appearance. Howard said he really was terrific on that show. Howard said he has something to say, he's coherent, he's delightful and funny and he lights up the room. Howard said he used to love watching talk shows when he was a kid and he loved the people who were amazing on the shows.
Howard said he thinks that he's David Letterman's best guest. Howard said he knows how to play the game and he congratulated himself on that. He agreed with the caller 100 percent. Howard said that audience loved him. He said people weren't there to see Mos Def. He said the guy is a good guy but he's not the reason people where there.
The caller said that show has to be the more higher rated show than Conan's. Howard said he doesn't know that for sure. The caller said he's called in before about being in the hospital for a messed up pancreas. He asked Howard to put him on hold so he could listen to the show.
Howard said that Gary is having his stent taken out tomorrow. Howard said he told Gary to get it out tomorrow instead of waiting until Friday like he was going to do. Fred said he got some e-mail and people were saying that the stent coming out is going to be the most horrible experience for Gary. He said the fans claim that it's worse than them going in to get the kidney stone out.
Howard said he sees Robin is trying to put a positive light on this broken wrist. Robin said that she can't even stay awake taking the drugs she's on. She said she's not sure how Artie did it. She said that it's really knocked her out and she can't do anything with the cast thing on. It just gets in the way of everything and she can't get it wet.
Artie said he's glad he went through that. He said he's had to go through it too. He said it's tough when Steve is standing there all the time.
Howard said his agent Don Buchwald bashed his nose into a glass door and had to put on make up to cover it up. Howard said Don was there, Vinnie Favale was in the room, Rob Burnett stopped in, they had Maria Pope in there and others. He said his hair stylist was in there, so was Ralph. Howard said he was trying to get into the show and had to throw everyone out. Howard said he just wanted Steve out so he had to throw everyone out so Steve wouldn't feel bad.
Howard said they all piled into the elevator to get out of the building and there were like 17 of them in there. Then the elevator stopped dead. He said he thought that they were going to die in that elevator. Howard said he asked Maria what was going on. She said it happens all the time. Howard said he's going to use the steps from now on.
Steve said that he had his tape recorder with him and he had to turn it on at that time. That's why he was there. Steve said he got the very long minute in the elevator and they'll have a story during the news today. Steve said it was a full minute of panic. Steve said everyone sounded nervous in there. Howard had a little clip of the woman and played the porn chick farting and howling instead.
Steve said that Billy Bush called Gary yesterday to try and get Howard on his radio show. That's after Billy took credit for Denise Richards talking about her implants. Howard said he heard Billy claimed it was the way they edit the show that made it come out like it did.
Steve said that he wants to cover Gary's stent removal tomorrow. Gary said he is going to take Steve with him but he won't be going into the room with him. Gary said he will bring the tape recorder into the room with him though.
Howard said he envisioned the channels as having that kind of stuff live. He said they have hours to kill there so they do stuff like that.
Artie said that if he ever does heroin again, he would let them tape the withdrawals. He said he thinks that it's so awful that it would help people. Artie said that he was actually handcuffed to a bed by Helicopter Mike when he was going through the withdrawals and he'd want people to hear that.
Steve got in some plugs for Jackie the Joke Man's show and said his guest is going to be Billy West. Howard moved on to Jon Hein next. Jon went through his Wrap Up Show preview.
Artie mentioned that Jon had written a poem for his wife. Howard said he knows that women laugh at that kind of stuff. He said they have to be really good not to get laughs. He said they could easily turn the women off.
Howard said he knows a guy who had a woman write a poem for him and they pull it out and laugh at it to this day. He said the poem sounded like it was written by a 4 year old.
Jon read through he rest of his Wrap Up Show preview and that led to the guys talking more about Vaniity the Tranny. Jon was saying that he could tell it was Vaniity immediately.
Howard said he didn't know anything about that movie. He said it doesn't have any well known people in it. Artie told him about this guy Zach Galifianakis who is in it and how he's known that guy for a long time. They used to work comedy together. He said he's rooted for the guy to do well for a long time. He had a couple of failed TV shows and stuff and this might be his big break.
Robin read about a sex offender who had his tongue bitten off by a woman he tried attacking. Robin said they weren't able to reattach his tongue. Robin said he's been charged with half a dozen felonies in the case.
Artie asked Howard if he would rather lose his tongue or cock. Howard said he'd rather not lose either. He said he'd rather lose Fred's cock. Howard wondered how this sex offender even got out of jail.
Robin had a story about tire pressure in cars. She said that tire pressure has a lot to do with the efficiency of a car. Howard said he knows that they recommend the right pressure for a car but he's not sure where to find out what it's supposed to be. Howard said it's in the manual or on the side of the tire. Robin said it's actually not on the sidewall, that's not the correct pressure, that's the maximum pressure. Howard said it's in the manual. Robin said it's on the inside of the door too. Robin said you're supposed to check it when the tires are cold and not after you've driven it. Howard wasn't aware of that either. Artie said he just has the guy at the gas station check it. Fred knew all of the info but Howard said he failed the he/she test earlier in the show.
Robin read a story about a remake of The Taking Of Pellham 123. Artie said the original had one of the best endings in a movie ever. Howard said he heard the remake was really good too though. Robin had some audio of Denzel Washington talking about working with John Travolta on that movie.
Robin read a story about how people are willing to over pay for some stuff like snacks, water and coffee. She had some audio of a guy talking about that.
Robin had some news about a new program that hair stylists are starting to help people who have been abused in relationships since people end up revealing stuff to their hair stylists.
Robin read that HBO is going to be stopping the show ''In Treatment.'' Howard said that's a shame because it's such a great show. He said this season was really amazing. He said True Blood is coming back this Sunday and HBO needs a hit. Howard said he's sad about them taking that show off. Fred said he loves that show too. So does Artie. Howard said he can't believe that there's only 1.6 million people watching that show. Robin said they're just thinking about canceling it and it hasn't been canceled yet. Robin said that Gabrielle Byrne has apparently been complaining about the shooting schedule.
Jon Hein said that they may not be canceling it because they did it last season and changed the schedule. Howard said they may have a problem because they were using scripts from another show to do that show and now they've run through them all and may need to come up with new material and they might not want to spend the money on that.
Robin read about David Letterman signing on to do another few years on CBS. Howard said ''that poor bastard...'' Howard said that they're going to go through the end of 2010 there. Howard said he didn't know it was that soon. Artie said that they end up leaving for the holidays in December so they'd probably be done in mid December 2010.
Howard said he heard that Letterman is sitting on the mother load because he owns the hour after him on CBS and he owns the hour he's on. He's getting the ad money from that and he's making a ton of ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' since he produced that show. He also gets money from ''Ed'' that is also in syndication according to Artie.
Robin read some news about Yoko Ono receiving some award. She played some of her music and talked about the award she got.
Robin had some more clips of Thomas Hayden Church talking about working with Eddie Murphy on his new movie. Howard played some of those clips and made it through without cutting them off.
Robin had a story about Madonna being allowed to adopt the little girl from Malawi. Howard said the courts over there had some compassion and brains and approved the adoption. Howard said he's so happy to hear this news. He said it's a good thing.
Robin read a story about Efram Zimbalist Jr. being honored by the FBI for playing the part of an FBI agent.
Robin also had a story about Kyra Sedgwick being honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She had some audio of her talking about that. That was the final story of the morning for Robin. They ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon took a call after that. The caller said he wants to know why Howard has been cutting Artie off so much lately. He said he seems to be pissed off at him. Gary said he hasn't seen Artie being cornered by Howard. He said Artie knows he's been talking more than usual and maybe he's trying to find his way again.
Jon said that Howard would tell Artie if he thought he was talking too much. He said that Howard did ask Coppola to give Artie a scene yesterday so there is a give and take there.
Jon asked Gary if he knew Artie had a girl. Gary said he did but he didn't know how serious it was. He said Artie said he's in love with this girl. Gary said his biggest fear for him is that things might move too fast for him.
Jon said it's a big deal when you bring something like this up on the air. Gary said it can be a big deal to do that and he thinks that Artie was trying to keep it off. He said that he did introduce her to Robin at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Gary said he did the same thing with Mary when he started dating her. Robin was the first layer he broke into with that stuff.
Gary said Artie is stepping into the dangerous territory where he's talking about how in love he is just like Lisa Lampanelli did one time with her boyfriend. When you do that you can go in the wrong direction with the person.
Gary said that they tell you to wait for a while before getting into another relationship when you get clean. He said he can see why that is. He said if things don't go well with this chick then he could end up in a bad place again.
Jon asked why Howard keeps harping on Robin about her not coming clean. Gary said he thinks that she's not coming clean because she was going to a lot of places every weekend and he thinks that she was doing them with some guy. Gary said Robin learned her lesson though and she's keeping that stuff off the air now because of what happened with Florentine and the news.
Benjy said he thinks Howard knows something from someone else and he's trying to get the information out of Robin without revealing what he knows. Gary and Jon agreed with him on that.
Jon had Teddy play the audio of Artie reciting his poem to Dana from earlier in the show. After playing that Gary said that he was taking a shot in that clip when he made fun of Artie about to cry. He said Artie did look like he was misting up a bit.
Benjy said that the first line about Dana being ''much to brilliant to be my bride'' may have meant that she turned him down after he asked her to marry him. Gary said he could imagine that being the case.
A caller said he didn't know Artie's treatment involved a vagina transplant. Gary said Artie is a lot of different people. He said that he's the dock worker and also the sensitive guy. He said Artie has cried on the show a couple of times. He said he wouldn't poke fun at him about that though.
Jon asked the caller if he's ever written a poem like that. The guy said he hasn't but his friends all think he's gay when it comes to his wife and him. The caller told Gary to keep fucking with Artie because he's been so rough on Gary.
Jon asked Gary about Artie taking this new girlfriend to SNL. Gary said that some guys have to do that and he's done stuff like that. Gary said he met a girl who just wanted to meet Howard one time and she turned him down when he tried to make out with her. Jon said that when you're willing to play a card like that you can show just how much you want to impress her.
A caller said he thinks Artie is just having fun and they're harping on a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense. He said that he's getting a bad rap and he thinks that Artie is just a good guy. Jon said no one was saying he wasn't.
Another caller said that this chick may not have known Artie in the beginning but now she's seeing Artie with the Mercedes and going to SNL on a first date. He said that she may not like him for who he is. Gary said he doesn't think that anyone could deal with him for long if they didn't really like him. He said that you have to get to a point where the person really does like you.
Jon and Gary also talked about the dark place Fred went when he asked Artie if he was just trying to get close to Adrienne's father to get his prescriptions. Gary said that Fred can think of those really dark things sometimes. He said his mind didn't even go there.
Jon took a call from a guy who had called in earlier about Artie and the new girlfriend. He said that there were a lot of girls there trying to attract Artie and it was cool to see this girl with him. He said he thinks that it could be a turning point for Artie. Gary said he hopes it works out for him.
The caller said that this chick had the same kind of demeanor that Beth seems to have. He said she was very nice and said hi to him up at the table when she was there with Artie. Jon said hopefully this is the one for Artie and things work out.
Jon said that Artie is trying to move away from Dana and that's got to be tough. Gary said Artie is trying to move on and he's not sure how Dana would feel hearing that poem on the air today. Jon said that she's also seeing someone so that might be kind of tough for him too.
Benjy said he thinks that Artie has some guilt in that relationship and he just wants her to have a good life. Benjy said that he's always going to love her and he's the same way with the women he's been in love with. He said he will always love them. Jon and Gary said that some people can handle that stuff very well and some can't.
Danny the Mets Basher called in and asked if Artie is in love or if he's in love with getting laid. Gary said he thinks he's really in love. Benjy said that it's hard for a guy to tell if it's more than lust for the first few months. Jon said the way Artie is talking it sounds like he's really in love.
Danny said that he saw Artie in Philly the other day and he thinks that he bought her. He said that she's half his weight, half his height and soon she'll have half his money.
Danny and Gary did their Mets thing together as they do whenever Danny calls in. Danny wanted to bet Gary on the Mets but Gary said he would never bet on them.
Danny told Gary that he admires him for being so loyal to the show and to Howard. He said that he's got to have a really thick skin to stick with it all these years.
Jon said that Artie revealed that Adrienne is 25 years old and he's wondering if he can relate to her. Gary said that Howard was calculating something on the show today and Fred played the adding machine noise. He said that Scott the Engineer played that clip for his intern and the intern had no idea what that sound effect was. The adding machine is from the 60s and sometimes the younger people won't get it.
A caller brought up how rough Artie has been with some guests on the show lately. He said that Artie is taking it too far with Gary's pitch too. The caller said Gary has to take so much crap from the guys on the show. He said Gary is great and he'd like to defend him because of that. The caller said he wanted to talk to Gary about a patent he has for sale too. Gary said he saw that email and it was as frantic as this guy's call.
Gary said they used to get a lot of mail about the best idea and it turned out to be phone cards. He said it was a big formula that these people used and it was the same email every time. Gary said the patent that guy was talking about wasn't something that they'd be involved with.
Benjy said he thinks that the payoff used to be worth it years ago. Now it's not that much fun for him when he has to have Steve Langford in his dressing room.
Jon also brought up how Steve Langford will be going to the doctor with Gary tomorrow. Gary said he got a fax of a picture of a stent and it's fuckin' big. He said the thing is about 10-12 inches long. He said Jared went through that one time and he was trying to find out how he got his taken out. He's not sure if he should take it out slowly or quickly like a band-aid.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about the letterman appearance. He asked how Ralph did dressing Howard. He thought he looked good. Gary said he didn't see him. He figured it was a nice suit though based on what Howard said. The caller said Howard may have looked the best he's ever looked in that show.
The guy spent a short time talking about the appearance and how good they thought it was. The caller said he thought Howard was a little nervous looking. He said it was making him nervous watching it. He thought he did good overall though.
Jon said that Howard brought up how people were asking him to sign stuff for them and asked Gary what he would do if he was in that position. Gary said that Howard used to sign index cards for people and it kind of bothers you when they're just going around selling it. Gary said that he stops when he thinks that people are just taking advantage of him.
Benjy asked Jon and Gary if they would go and wait for someone's signature. Gary said he remembers signing an autograph for someone who had asked him to sign it and it was a piece of paper he picked up off the ground. He said he's not sure who would want it. He said his autograph sells for like 99 cents on eBay.
Gary said he used to walk past the Four Seasons hotel and people would wait there to get autographs and he saw a guy he went to school with. The guy would wait out there for hours getting autographs and he's not sure the guy was making a living doing that.
Gary said he did go out to get an autograph of Bill Clinton on a picture he had of him. He said he didn't go to Bill himself, he just sent it to someone who had a contact.
Gary said he got some Mickey Mantle stuff signed and he saw him signing it right in front of him so that was kind of cool. Jon said that he got some autographs on some baseballs and stuff but he doesn't really go out looking for that kind of stuff. Benjy said Artie will sign pictures of himself and give him some every 3 months or so.
Eddie the Produce Guy called in and said that there were a lot of autograph hunters looking to get Howard's autograph and jumped in front of him. Eddie said that they had him signing pick guards. He said they sell that stuff as autographed guitars and stuff. Eddie said it's hard to see Howard and that's how they have to do it.
Gary asked Eddie what he owns that he wants to get Howard to sign. Eddie said he has some posters and stuff like that. He said he has about three or four things that he's had signed. Gary said it sounds like he's not out of control.
Jon asked Gary if he has anything signed by Howard. Gary said he has a Private Parts poster that Howard signed. He said he felt odd asking for that though. Gary said he really wanted the Private Parts poster but lost his and ended up buying one on eBay. He said he got it for like $20-25. He said he used to go to a DVD store and he had to go in and buy ''Private Parts'' because the movie company never sent them any for free. He said that was kind of awkward.
Jon said he never asks for any autographs because it's so uncomfortable. Gary said that even Tom Chiusano asked Howard to sign a poster one time.
Eddie said that Howard took a marker from him and he handed it to someone else and the guy refused to give it back because Howard had given it to him. Eddie said the one thing he wants is a picture with Howard. He said he never did get one. Gary said that he'll try to get him something.
Jon asked Gary about the elevator at the Letterman show that Howard was talking about today. Gary said that he's been in it but it's a long walk down the steps if they don't take it.
Another caller said that Howard had that nice suit on but had a crappy t-shirt on under it. He said he didn't think it looked that good.
The caller asked Jon what he used to do before he did the show. Jon told him about his JumpTheShark.com web site and how he came on the show a few times to talk about the TV seasons and what shows were jumping the shark. Jon said he also had a computer training company that he owned that merged with another company. Jon said he went to work for the Princeton Review after that. Then he got the job there.
Benjy said that Jon would come on the show and he'd be really prepared for it. Jon said that Will told him that most guests didn't have notes like that and he was like the most prepared person they had.
Gary said that one time they had David Wells on the show and Artie asked him to sign a newspaper article for him. He said that was kind of weird for Wells.
Brent said he hates asking Bubba to sign stuff for him. Gary said he hates doing that with Howard too. Brent said he has never asked Bubba to sign anything for him. Brent said he would never ask Howard for an autograph either. He said they did do that for some charity events but not for himself. Brent said he has taken pictures with guests on the show though. He said that he has one with OJ Simpson that was taken after OJ's trial and all of that.
Brent talked about how they went through everything with OJ back then and he thinks that OJ did it but he must have had an accomplice to get it done in the time that it happened. He said he thinks that he just hasn't rolled on that person.
Gary said that they once sent a request for an autograph from John Wayne Gacy. He said that they sent him a letter and ended up getting a response. He said it was very creepy when they got the response and the guy mailed him at his home address.
Brent said they did something similar with a serial killer. Gary said they did that with a couple of people and they had one killer who was such a big fan that he was writing about them in his diary with the people that he was raping.
Brent and Gary talked about some other autograph signing things and some creepy serial killer stuff as well. Jon let Brent go since they had to take a break. Gary asked Brent who was on their show today. Brent said they had Jackie on today. Gary asked how they got him. Brent laughed and said that Jackie was on promoting his iPhone app. He told them about some other guests they had on today. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Will about the Guess the Tranny game and where this all came from. Will said that they had been offered Vaniity as a guest and figured out a way to get her into the show and that's how they set up the game. They had to go out and find some girls to work with them on the Tranny thing.
Jon said that Robin and Fred both picked the wrong one. Gary said he wasn't surprised by that. He said that he wasn't convinced either and it was the voice, hands and Adam's apple that he was going by. He said it was tough to tell though. He said he just had a hunch. Gary said that sometimes the guys have face work done and that can be kind of obvious.
Benjy said that he knew that it was a dude at one moment. He said he would have bet all of his money that it was him.
Jon said that Vaniity was the Tranny but he was talking about when the right time to reveal is. Gary said that he claimed that he had taken some guys home and didn't tell the guys. Gary said he claimed that he would tell them right away on the first date. Gary said he said some things on the air that he didn't believe. He said he didn't believe the stuff about straight guys going through with doing stuff with him.
Jon asked Will what he thinks. Will said you have to tell them right away. He said it's something you have to tell. He said that maybe you get to know him a little more and maybe that's how it has to go. Gary said that when you have herpes you have to break it to the person after the third date at the latest. Will said that you should bring it up immediately.
Will asked if you have to tell someone about full blown AIDS immediately. Gary said that should come up the first night.
Benjy said that if a chick told him that she had a cock, he's not sure how long that date would last. Gary said he's not sure how that would go with him either. He said he's not sure he could sit through a show with a person like that if they didn't tell him immediately.
Gary said that they had a Christmas party at this place in the city where they had some good looking Tranny's and Scott DePace had no idea. He said he was convinced that the chick he had on his lap that night wasn't a dude but it was.
Benjy told a story about going out with a tranny and getting back to her place and then realizing what was going on. He said that the chick had all kinds of satanic stuff in the room and he was so freaked out that he had to get out. He told her that he had a girlfriend and he started to cry to get out of it. He said she started cuddling him and saying that it was so sweet.
A caller said that Howard gave away the answer to the game today before it even started. The guy said that they had talked about the movie that Vaniity had been in and they had given out the name on the air when Janine was on the show a while back. The guy said he knew who it was when she said her name. Gary said none of them remembered that on the show today. Gary said that he had taken an Oxy before the segment today so he was flying.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that it was obvious but he was going by the picture on the web site. Ralph said if he was going to a bar or something then he might not be able to tell right away. Ralph said that you might know by their height though. Gary said it wouldn't be so obvious in a dimly lit bar.
Will said that Vaniity had some very feminine mannerisms. Gary said that two people picked the wrong person today too. Ralph said that if you're a rube like DePace then you might miss it.
Gary said Ralph used to hang with some trannys and he would know about them. He also dressed them up in drag for the Miss America photo shoot. Gary said Ralph isn't gay but he has hung around with Trannys before. Ralph said if you're not sure you have to put it out there right away.
Jon asked Ralph if he was in the elevator with Howard over at Letterman. Ralph said he was. He said that it happened over at HBO one time too. He said that someone in the elevator smelled like moth balls and he wasn't sure if it was Langford. He said it was kind of weird. Ralph said there were 8 people in there and they were jammed in pretty tight. He said it was kind of freaky too. He said he was looking for the trap door in the top of the elevator so he could get out. He said he's too much of a pussy to actually do anything like that though.
Ralph was talking about going to dinner with John Stamos. Will was laughing at him saying he has quite a life. He also asked at what point he revealed that he was a man. Ralph got a laugh out of that. He said he and John went to see Rock of Ages and thought it was pretty good. Gary said he took Jackson to go see it and they had some strippers walking around in the audience. Ralph said one of them was really hot too so he gave her a ''Hey now!'' Jon let Ralph go after that.
A caller asked Jon about the Jump The Shark thing. He wondered when he knew he had something really big. Jon said it got a lot of press early on and he wasn't sending out any press releases or anything. He said it was something that everyone had to see early on and that's when he knew.
The caller said he had an idea for Howard TV to do. Jon had to hang up on the guy when he brought up something that he was told not to bring up.
Another caller asked Gary to bring in his stent to show the guys what it looked like. Gary said he is going to bring it in. He said he saw a picture of one and it was shocking. Gary said it's like 8-12 inches long. He said he's not sure exactly where it's located. He said the whole thing is just freaking him out. He said he'd pull it out himself if he could.
Another caller said he was in the studio back in the 90s and got autographs from the guys and asked if he could come in and get the rest of the autographs that he didn't get. He said he'd be willing to trade an autograph with Gary. Gary said he can't answer for Robin.
Jon took one last call from a guy who asked Gary who the most popular guest he's ever had on the show. Gary said it would be Paul McCartney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Julia Roberts, Mickey Mantle and Bob Hope. He said those are the people who popped into his head. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show saying that Sam Simon would be stopping by today. They were also going to be doing a Stripper Idol game. They have some strippers who want to be singers coming in. They had some theme music for that game that they played. Howard said Dave Attell will be coming in as well.
Howard said he was reading about Letterman in the paper today. He said he was mentioned in the article too. Howard said Dave has tied Conan in the ratings this week. Howard said they credited him with Dave getting close to beating Conan on Monday night. Howard said Dave has also signed on to stay with the Late Show through 2012. Howard read that Conan started strongly last week but dropped off as the week went on.
Howard said Dave may actually beat Conan this week. Howard said he figured they did okay because Dave sent over a bottle of champagne for him. He said he's not used to that kind of treatment. Howard mentioned his headphones are weird today. He was getting some feedback on his. Artie and Robin were fine.
Robin said Regis said he was going to go out and have a chicken after seeing this movie about animals being slaughtered. Howard said he wouldn't be able to eat chicken after that. Robin said Regis didn't have a problem with it.
Robin said the movie isn't anti-meat eating, it's just about the way the farming has changed. Howard said he can't believe that people are going to see that movie. He said that Robin and Regis might be the only people who go out and see it. Howard wondered who put the money up for that. Robin said she's pretty sure they didn't expect to make a lot of money on this movie. They just wanted to tell this story.
Robin said the movie wasn't just about animals, it was about how food gets to you. Robin said that food has become industrialized and there are big companies that control all of the food. She said it doesn't matter what kind of food it is, they control it all. Robin said it's a profit center and that's why big companies are running them.
Robin said that it's the way processed food is controlled. Robin was getting worked up so Howard asked her why that was. Robin said she wasn't. She said that this is about ''fake food'' that makes its way to people. She talked about the processed food and said that's why they made the movie, to let people know about it.
Robin said that you should eat locally grown food and support the local farmers. She said that those are the foods that aren't processed. Howard said Robin has convinced him. He's going to plant corn in his kitchen. He said he actually did grow his own herbs at home. Howard said that didn't last. He realized he could go to the supermarket and buy them.
Artie said over in Europe the eggs are much better and more yellow but over here it's much easier to buy that stuff.
Howard asked Robin about running into Regis. He said it's no wonder he was hauling up goats in the elevator. Robin said she got to meet this author Michael Polen at the movie. She said he writes books about this stuff.
Howard said Robin has a good point there about the food. Artie said he's starting to smoke like 2 packs a day now that he's quit heroin. He said if they made them $20 a pack and showed the lung cancer suffers on the pack, he'd still buy them. He said that's what people are like with food.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Robin to shut up about this stuff. Howard said he was kind of interested in this. The caller said he's going to have chicken right now like Regis. Howard said Robin is making a good point about the processed food. The guy said that's true but where are they going to grow this stuff. Howard said you can look into getting some local food.
The caller had a safe in his truck that was rattling around. That led to Howard talking about a safe his parents had in their basement. He said they used to get robbed when people would see it in there so his Dad had to leave it open with a note saying that they had nothing to steal.
The caller asked Howard if he's going to be leaving in a year and a half. Howard said he's definitely leaving. The caller asked Howard what they're going to do with the guys who are working for him. Howard said he has to figure that out. Howard said Gary thinks that everyone is going to be able to get a job though. Howard said he calculated how many shows they have. He said there are about 260 left. Howard asked if he could do all 260 now and just leave. Howard said they told him they need topical shows so he can't leave yet.
Ralph called in and said that Robin's information is good and all but she has a way of saying it in a preachy way that turns people off. Robin said she knows. Ralph said she makes it sound like she's better than people and that people are stupid. Robin said she is saying it to Ralph like he's stupid.
Ralph said it's just a poor delivery. Ralph told her to calm down with that because she's only known about proper food for about a year now.
Howard asked what the movie was called. Robin said the movie was called ''Food Inc.''
Howard said Ralph is pretty preachy too. Howard said he's been sending him pictures of Mickey Rourke in the new Iron Man movie. He's playing Doomsday (actually Whiplash) according to Ralph. He said he has some kind of Iron Man-like exoskeleton on in the pictures.
Robin said she hopes they don't screw up this movie. She said they give everyone powers in these movies now. Howard said that's true. Even on Smallville everyone can get super powers and be Superman. Artie said that's the way it is in real life now and kids can't even play Dodgeball because they have to treat everyone fairly.
Lori was on the phone and said that she didn't expect to see it out in public. She said that the thing is massive and like an arm couch. Howard asked Lori if she was asked about what was going on with Robin's arm. Lori said she had some friends with her who were handling all of that for Robin.
Lori said that the thing was huge and people were wondering about what was going on. She said it's not even a sling, it's a whole couch. Lori was wondering if Robin asked if she really had to wear that thing out. She said that it's so big. Howard asked if it was drawing a lot of attention. Lori said she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw it.
Howard said this thing is like a portable Jacuzzi on her arm. Howard said it's catching on though and he saw a bunch of women out in the city wearing them.
Lori said that she can't even sign her cast like people do when they have a broken wrist. She said that the couch was just too big and in the way.
Robin said she's not normal, she's a 34 (narcissism test score). Howard said he saw some people sliding down the arm sling like a water slide.
Lori told Artie that she's sad that he found a girl. She said she wished that it could have been her. Artie thanked her for that.
Howard said his bashing of Jay Leno on Letterman has been getting a lot of attention. He said he had some clips of some news reports about that. He had some from an ABC morning news show. They played some highlights of Howard bashing Leno. They talked about how Letterman just let Howard go on and didn't try to stop him.
Howard talked about some of the comments they made about him being relevant and how he and Leno have been battling it out over that. Howard said he's just as relevant as Leno is or even more so. Howard said there was a weatherman who was saying that he wasn't relevant. Howard said that guy was just hopping on the bandwagon. Howard played that clip as well. In the clip the reporter talked about Howard bashing Jay and then talking about how no one knows who Howard is anymore.
Howard said he would rather put hot pokers in his eyes than be a lame weatherman in Los Angeles. Howard said weathermen are a joke and they can't even be the anchorman. He said they can only dream of greatness. Howard said the weatherman is nothing. He said they're almost becoming extinct because they have to get hot chicks to do that to keep people's attention. Howard said the guy looks like he's had his hair painted on too.
Howard said this guy Mark Kriski the weatherman has done nothing in his career compared to him. Howard said he has been doing this stuff for over 20 years on terrestrial radio and on satellite radio. Howard said this new show is successful. He said 3 and a half years later they've gone from 600,000 subscribers to 20 million. He said it was because of him that they had to merge the two satellite companies. Howard said more people know his name than know Mark Kriski.
Howard read about this Mark the weatherman guy and they say that he's a joking weatherman who they say keeps the viewers tuning in for the morning raido show out in L.A. Howard said he guarantees the guy will be irrelevant after he's fired in 2 or 3 years and replaced with a hot chick. Howard said the traffic guys are just a step below the weathermen. Howard said traffic is the lowest, weather douche bag is a step above. Howard said the anchors and sports guys are above all of that.
Howard read about Kriski's career and how he got started up in Canada. Howard picked apart every little bit that he could.. Howard said this guy gets his weather information from the same place anyone else can. Howard said this Mark turd should come on the show and they'll ask him some meteorological questions to see just how much he does know.
Artie said he hates guys like that who use the word ironic because this guy used it in the wrong way. He said that the guy doesn't even know what irony means. Artie said this guy wouldn't know what irony was if it came up and bit him in the ass. Howard said this guy wants to be the anchorman but he can never be one. Artie said he's an asswipe.
Howard read more about the guy and went off on him for a little longer. Howard and the guys were all saying he was a douche. Howard said he's making the guy relevant now that he's talking about him. That's irony right there.
Howard asked Sam how he got hired on Taxi. Sam said he wrote a spec script for them and got hired from that. He was working in animation at the time and they were the worst animation company around. They did Heckle and Jekyll but it wasn't the original ones, it was the new ones. He said that they were also doing The New Mighty Mouse cartons. Sam said he would wake up and watch that stuff and they were just awful.
Sam said they didn't direct the voices and that's what he learned for The Simpsons. He said he learned to do it the right way with that cartoon.
Sam said they had the kids of the owner of the company doing the voices for some of the cartoons at this company he was working for.
Howard asked Sam how he got his script read over at Taxi. Sam said they had a policy of reading all of the scripts that came in. He said his job was actually to read the scripts coming in. He said he doesn't know of any spec scripts that were made into a TV show though. Howard said he knew guys who sent in scripts and were all rejected. Robin said Steve Grillo wrote one for The Simpsons. He was rejected of course. Sam said you only have to read one page to know how good or bad it's going to be.
Howard said it's amazing that Sam's script was accepted. They hired Sam and made him the show runner at 23. Howard said that's a pretty good career trajectory. Sam said the people he worked with were the best in the business too. He learned a lot there.
Howard asked Sam if he went to college. Sam said of course he did. Howard said he's just trying to let the audience know. He said they don't know what's going on. Howard asked if he got laid in college. Sam said he did. He played football in college according to Artie. Sam said he quit on the first day of practice because he didn't think he was good enough.
Howard asked how he ended up doing The Simpsons. Sam said he was an Executive Producer of The Tracy Ullman show at the time. He said he had gone to Cheers and the first Garry Shandling Show after Taxi. He said he worked on all of that stuff and then on to the Tracy Ullman Show. Sam said he didn't get a piece of Taxi but did get residuals.
Howard said the Tracy Ullman Show tanked except for the Simpsons cartoons they were doing. Sam said they were doing 5-6 second shorts that would air before the commercial breaks. Sam said people did respond to them and they decided to give them their own show.
Sam said that Barry Diller was in charge of FOX at the time and the show was pitched to him. Sam said the guy is very intimidating and in a hurry all the time. He said that he and Matt Groening and some other people and Diller kept calling them ''The Simons'' through the whole meeting. He said that Diller also had a little teletype in his office so he could get news headlines for himself. This was over 20 years ago that this was happening.
Sam said Diller was quiet for a moment and he announced to them that Haulston was dead. Sam said he'll always remember where he was when he found that out.
Sam said they ordered 13 episodes back then and they had no idea how popular they were going to be. Sam said they did the first episode that was a disaster. Sam said it was bad but they fixed it later on. Sam said they had a second episode coming and knew it was better. Sam said the first episode was directed by a guy who did morning cartoons and it didn't come out very well.
Sam said the second episode was great but when they showed it to the FOX people there were no laughs. He said Barry Diller asked how many they ordered when he saw that one. Sam said that the debut of that show was the highest rated FOX show of all time back then. Sam said they were taking chances back then. He said that they were wondering if cartoons could survive in prime time. He said they were also wondering if they could syndicate it. He said they now run at all times of the day around the world.
Howard said Sam is still making a lot of money off the cartoon to this day. Howard said everyone around Sam tells him that he's making a ton of money from that show. Howard said Sam isn't even with the show anymore. Howard said the show has been on the air so long that Sam got back his rights that he sold off. Sam said he got a good deal on the DVD sales too.
Howard said Sam has a show coming out on Playboy TV. Robin said she doesn't understand this show. Howard said he had one more question about his career. He asked Sam when he nailed his first celebrity. Sam said he's had girlfriends but Jennifer Tilly was probably the first one. She wasn't famous when he met her though. Howard said that's good enough for him.
Sam said Jennifer told him not to do The Simpsons. He said they divorced after 13 episodes and now she gets a piece of every one. Sam said that she still tells him how much she appreciates that she gets the money from them. Sam said she never tells him that she's had enough. She just thanks him.
Howard asked if Jennifer gets half his money. Sam said it's not half. Howard asked how much she's collected since then. Sam said ultimately she might have gotten 9 figures. He said it might be like $100 million. He didn't want to give an exact number but he said it may never stop. He said they were married for 7 years.
Sam said he hopes that she gets more because that means he would get more. Sam said he left the show after 88 episodes and just imagine how FOX feels about that. He said FOX must hate him. Artie said that Sam created that show though so they must love him.
Sam said he hit a $40,000 jackpot in Vegas on a slot machine. Sam said he probably spent about 50 bucks on that machine. Sam said people give him the reaction of ''Oh, good for you'' when he tells them about hitting this jackpot. Howard said Jennifer Tilly must have made out the best of any celebrity break up.
Howard said Sam has this animal rescue out in California called The Sam Simon Foundation. They train dogs to help people. Howard said he heard that Sam was very upset with Scott DePace about hitting his dog. Sam said that guy has a lot of issues.
Scott came in and said that he wasn't beating the dog. He demonstrated what he did to the dog to train it. He would smack it on the ass to train the dog and that's how he's trained all of his dogs. Sam said you don't have to hit them, you just need to bark at them. Howard said that praising a dog is all you need to do.
Scott said that he's smacked his dog on the ass maybe 20 times and it works. Sam said that they say even Hitler was nice to his dogs. Scott said he can raise his dog any way he wants and he's not doing anything bad to it. Sam said you can't do whatever you want to your dog. Scott said that he didn't mean that. He said he's just not willing to spend money on a trainer when he can get the same result from smacking it on the ass. Sam said it doesn't take any more money or effort to do it without hitting.
Scott said that Howard was fishing and that's not nice. Howard said he stopped doing that, he didn't feel right about it.
Howard said Scott's dog Cookie was on the phone. It was Sal or Richard playing barking sounds and making the dog growl at Scott. Howard said the dog will growl every time you say Scott. He demonstrated that. Scott said that the whole country does this and they're in the minority about doing this.
Ralph called in and said Sam should tell the story about how he got such a great deal over at FOX. Sam didn't want to go there.
Howard hung up on Ralph and took another call. The caller asked what the secret is to creating something out of nothing. Howard asked Sam how he can do that and told him to explain it in 30 seconds. Sam said it's kismet and working with good people. He said he really didn't know.
Howard said Sam's show, ''Sam's Game,'' is starting up on the Playboy Channel tomorrow night. Howard said he saw the show and it was a bunch of people playing cards together. Sam said they called him up and asked him to do this card game with the friends that he has. Artie played in this show and lost some money. He and Sam had some issues over the money thing but Sam said that he was just fronting the money to Artie at the time.
Sam said that in this show you see average guys playing poker. He said they're not professional players. Howard said that Artie had the winning hand a bunch of times but he would fold. He said that he didn't play it right. Howard said it was Artie a couple of times. Sam said he wasn't sure that was Artie. Sam said Artie was hilarious on the show and did a great job. Howard said Artie was good that way but he wasn't paying attention to his cards.
Artie said he did get ''rivered'' a couple of times. Howard said Artie wasn't playing the game, he was busy entertaining. Artie said he actually hates Texas Hold 'em. He said they usually play 7 card stud or 5 card draw. Sam doesn't like 5 card draw. Sam said no one plays that game anymore. He asked Artie if they shoot that in black and white.
Sam said that when you say poker these days people think Texas Hold 'Em. Howard said he's with Artie on this. He said he likes the regular games.
Artie said that he likes to play a game called ''no peek'' too. Sam said that he's making his argument for him. Artie said he can't argue with Sam. He said the no peek game is like Texas Hold 'Em in a way. He explained that game to the guys so they'd see how similar it was.
Artie said that it's gambling and maybe not an ''art'' like Howard was saying. Sam asked how much he's lost in a game like that. Artie said he lost $42,000 playing that. Artie said he always forgets how to play Texas Hold 'Em because he forgets how to play.
Howard asked Artie if he was drinking in that show he did with Sam. Artie said he was at the time. Howard said he was also eating during that show. He had a hamburger. Artie said that's because a hot chick was bringing the food around. He said he had like 8 burgers.
Artie said he didn't mind losing money on that show but he would prefer that it not go to Sam. Sam said that Dave Attell and Jeff Ross played in the game. Ralph even played. Howard said the show premieres tomorrow night at 9 on the Playboy channel. Howard wished him luck with the show and thanked him for coming in. Howard said that if it's as popular as The Simpsons, he'll be rolling in money. Sam said you never know.
Brande Roderick was on the show and Artie said he got to sit next to her. He said that was another reason he couldn't concentrate. Howard said he felt like Artie as bamboozled because he was being funny and sitting next to Brande during the game. Howard said the show was a lot of fun. Artie said it really was fun to play. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said it was time for Stripper Idol. Howard said it was very exciting. They had mixed some stripper songs and sound clips in with the American Idol soundtrack for the theme song. Howard said the contest was being sponsored by EroticReview.com (Just a heads up about that site. I got stuck in an inescapable loop of windows when I visited. Beware.)
Howard said he told Sam Simon he could be a judge. The girls were all from Rick's Cabaret. Howard said that they have to judge on looks and marketability. He said that they have to look good and perform well.
Howard told Robin to take this seriously. He said it is worth $5,000. He said it's a singing competition. Robin said that it's also a stripping competition. Howard said the girls are all from Rick's and they all picked their own songs to sing.
Howard had the first girl, Ava, come in and asked her about her life there since she had come over from Russia. She said she was a journalist over there. She came here and became a stripper. Howard asked if it's hard to get a journalism job there. She said that it was. Howard said she's very beautiful and asked if it was hard to take her clothes off. She said that was hard for her. She said it was also stressful. Howard asked if she told her parents. She said she didn't and asked Howard not to tell them. She said they still live in Russia.
Howard asked if they still have a toilet paper problem in Russia. She said they do and they have bears in the streets too. Howard asked Ava about working with Lonnie over at Rick's. Howard told her that he's a good friend of his.
Howard asked Ava if she was going to take anything off. She said she had a bathing suit on so she was going to perform in that. Artie said that he was going to give her a 0.0 for that. Howard said Ava has some body on her. He said she was in a bikini and he can see why they hired her at Rick's. Artie said he'd like to be the ''some body'' on her.
Ava was going to sing ''New York, New York.'' Howard asked if her breasts were real. She said they were. Howard had her sing a few seconds later. She danced around and sang her song. She still had a pretty heavy accent singing the song.
Howard went to Robin first for her score. Robin said that she thought the singing was okay but she completely forgot Sinatra when she heard it. She said that she did make it her own. Robin said she didn't really do much about her look with her hair and things like that. Ava said that it was 6 in the morning. Robin gave her a score of 6.
Next up was Sam Simon. Sam said he was going to give her a 4. Fred said her ticket to fame and fortune is not singing, it's Sam Simon. He gave her a 5. Artie said that there were a lot of factors in there. He said that he thought she was delightful and gave her an 8. He said that's not because he wants to bang her either.
Howard said he thought the singing was delightful too but he's a guy. He said that he was going to give her an 8 as well.
Howard had Julianna come in next. She's from Kursikstan. Howard asked her how many guys she has to dance for a night at Rick's. She wasn't saying much. Howard asked her how she made her way here from that country. She said that she came over 2 and a half years ago. She said she flew over. Howard asked what she did there. She graduated from university over there. Howard asked if that's the same country Borat came from. She said that was the neighboring country.
Howard asked Julianna if she likes taking her clothes off. She said she does like it. Howard asked if she gets it on with girls or guys. She said sometimes it's girls. She said she does. Howard said he thinks that she's just there to sing. Robin wasn't sure that she understood what Howard was asking her.
Howard asked if her breasts were real. She said they were. She said that she's not even thinking about getting fake ones. She said God blessed her.
Howard said Julianna was going to sing with her dress off. She took that off and showed off her C-cups. Artie gave his score before she sang. He gave her a 10. Howard had her sing a short time later. Julianna sang her country's national anthem. She sang it in her native language too.
Julianna continued to sing as the guys were chuckling at her voice. She didn't have the best singing voice. Howard said she was terrific though. He said they were all standing and saluting during the song. Howard asked if she could translate some of the song. She said it was about independence. Howard asked who wrote it. She said that she knew who it was and gave the guy's name. Sam had joked that it was Dan the Song Parody Man.
Howard asked Robin for her score for Julianna. Howard said she had a great body and her breasts were natural and perfect. Robin said it was a moving rendition of the song. Robin said that she was going to give her a 6.
Howard said Julianna's very thin and must not eat a lot. She said that she takes Yoga. Robin said she doesn't understand a word Howard is saying.
Howard went to Sam Simon and asked for his score. Sam said that hurt his ears. He said it was painful. Artie asked him how his eyes were. Sam said he was going to give her a 5. Fred gave her an 8. Artie pulled out a wad of money and asked her if there was any way she would meet him for lunch and he'd give her the wad of money. He said it was $7,000. Howard asked Julianna if she's ever been offered that kind of money. She said she hadn't. She told Artie no. Howard asked why not. Julianna said that she would like to go with Lonnie but she doesn't know Artie.
Howard said Julianna must be offered money for sex all the time. She said they don't. Artie wanted to offer her more but Howard told him to just give his score. Then he asked Artie to read a poem for her. Artie came up with something real quick. Julianna seemed to like it and thanked him. Artie kept coming up with more lines and then gave her a 10. Howard said he was going to give Julianna an 8. He did that because she took her top off.
Artie said he would fuck this chick right in front of everyone right now. He raised his price to $10,000. Howard just moved on.
Howard had the next contestant, Stacy, come in. Howard said she was gorgeous as well. Howard asked if she was American. She said she was. Howard asked how long she's been at Rick's. She said it's been about a year and a half. She said that business is very good over there.
Howard asked Stacy about her degree in biology. She said that she did that for a while and it was just hard and this job was fun. She said her family was shocked but she just went online and found the best club. She said it all looked nice to her so she went there. Stacy said she just winged it when she went in for the audition and did okay.
Howard asked if Stacy has a boyfriend. She said she is seeing someone but he's not a boyfriend. She said that he works at a hedge fund company. Howard asked if she dates anyone famous. She said she might if they were fun. Howard asked if she messes around with girls. She said she does that as well. She said that the first time was in a hot tub. She said that they were doing shots in the tub and they stoped studying and she got nude first. She said it was down in Orlando in the dorms down there.
Stacy was going to perform topless like Julianna did. Artie asked if he could give an 11 score. Howard told him to hold on until she sang. Howard said her boobs were nice too. They were natural as well. Howard said Robin could get some amazing tips with the boobs she has.
Howard asked Stacy what song she was going to perform. She was covering ''Poker Face'' by Lady Gaga. Howard had her start a short time later. The song had a long intro but Howard was fine with that. Stacy wasn't really singing but the guys didn't seem to care. Howard tried to cut her off but she kept singing. Howard said the other girls were smelling a winner. She kind of started to sing a little better as she got comfortable.
Howard asked if she would dance to that song at the club. She said that she would love to. She apologized for massacring that song.
Howard asked Robin for her score. Robin said that you have to be able to handle pressure but she wasn't able to keep up with it. She said that she was going to have to give her a 5. Sam said that they were supposed to vote on who could be a pop star and he didn't notice the screw up of the song. Sam said he'd give her a 9.
Fred said that on nipples alone she should get a 10. He said she did screw up though. He gave her a 7. Artie said that he was going to give her a 100 if he could. He said that he agreed with Sam on this and said that you don't even need to be able to sing. He said that he was going to give her an 8. Howard said he was going to give Stacy a score based on how easy it would be to make her a star. He gave her an 8.
Jason had kept score and found that they had a tie. Howard said he was going to go around the room and break the tie. Howard said Ava had lost with 31. Julianna and Stacy had the same score. Howard said they were the finalists and asked if they had anything to say to the judges. Julianna didn't have anything. She was at a loss for words. She just thanked them. Stacy apologized for screwing up her song.
Howard asked Artie who he was going to vote for. Artie said he had to go with Julianna because she's single. Howard said that it's never a good idea to reveal you have a boyfriend when you're a stripper. Robin said she was going to pick Julianna as well because she was posing the whole time she was in there.
Julianna thanked them so much for the win. She thanked Rick's Cabaret as well. She thanked the managers there and thanked Howard for the show. She had just won $5,000. Howard asked Julianna to sing them out to break after that. She sang her song once again.
Howard came back and said he was listening to the playback of Staind doing ''Turn the Page'' and ''True Colors.'' He liked that stuff so he replayed some of their cover of ''True Colors'' and said that was cool. Howard said he'd like to hear them do the Kursikstan national anthem. Howard said they did ''Turn the Page'' too and that was great. Howard played some of that as well.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk. Jeff said that the chick singing about her native land brought him to tears. Jeff was also saying that Eric the Midget dropped the ball when Francis Ford Coppola was in. He wondered what was up with him not calling in.
Jeff also wanted to say that Seth MacFarlane's video was great. Howard didn't know what the hell he was talking about so he hung up. Howard said he heard that the winner of Stripper Idol had just purchased a new house for her family and still had $4,995 left.
A caller said that when there are hot chicks in the studio Artie should shut the fuck up and let them talk. He said he didn't want to hear him talking. Artie said he was just voting like Howard asked him to.
Henry Hill called in so Howard explained that his life was the basis for the movie ''Goodfellas.'' Henry said that they were having some kind of picnic or something. Howard said this was another one of those calls where they have to interpret. Gary said he got a voice mail from Henry this morning cursing him out.
Howard asked Henry if he had been drinking. Henry said it was a lack of sleep that made him sound that way. He wanted to put Lisa on the phone to help explain it. Howard said he anted to talk to Henry, not Lisa. He had her put Henry right back on.
Henry said that he had to put his glasses on. He said they're doing this cancer charity thing. Henry put Lisa back on so Howard told her to put Henry back on. Howard said he wants to hear Henry plug this thing.
Howard asked Henry what he's doing. Henry said that they do this cancer cruise and it's a fund raiser. Howard asked what the scam was. Henry said it's not a scam. Howard asked if this is a way for him to try and get into heaven. Henry said he knows he's not going to heaven.
Howard said Henry used to be able to get into any club when he was in the mob. He said he could get into the Copa with all of the big stars. Henry said that Bobby Vinton stole his girlfriend away from him one time. Howard said he should have given a shit about him being a mobster. Henry said the guy apparently didn't care.
Howard asked Henry if he thought about getting back at Vinton. Henry said he was married so he didn't care that much. Howard asked Henry if he's going to skim some money off of this charity. Henry said he has nothing to do with that. He said they have door prizes and paintings to give away. Artie said it's probably a floating casino. Henry said that's not what it is.
Howard wondered why Henry didn't hit Bobby Vinton on the head when he stole his girl. Henry said he was married and he didn't know what to say to Linda. He said he was going out with Linda for 11 years and he had Karen as his wife. Howard wrapped up and let Henry go a short time later.
Howard said he was reading about a woman who was stealing stuff from people while they're in the hospital getting operated on. Howard said it's unbelievable that a person would do that to a person while they're being worked on.
Howard said the story about David Carradine keeps getting worse. He said that his family tried to say that he would never do the autoasphyxiation thing. Howard said that the autopsy was done and they found that it wasn't the gangs that he was investigating that got to him. They found that Carradine did die of autoasphyxiation. Howard said they found that his wrists and genitals were tied up as well as his neck.
Howard said he went back in the archives and found that Carradine had done the show in 1993 and he asked him about masturbation. Howard said he asked the guy about masturbating and now he's died masturbating. Howard said that he was wondering how you find out about this and how the word spreads.
Howard said this is the weirdest clip. He played the clip from 1993 where he asked David about masturbation and Carradine tells him that he doesn't masturbate. He said that he hadn't done it for maybe 10 years. Howard told Carradine that he was still masturbating a lot and he's married. Carradine said that Howard isn't a shaolin master like he is.
Howard said he thinks that Carradine was just being a bullshit artist. Howard said he never did the autoasphyxiation thing. Howard said he was living the whole Shaolin master thing to overcome his desires. Robin said that there are a lot of people like that out there. Artie said that was a crazy piece of tape right there.
Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man took the girl who says ''Can I taste your juice?'' and put that clip in some songs. He said he was singing some of those to himself and it was kind of embarrassing. He replayed some of those clips that Dan had created. He had a bunch of them that he worked those clips into. Howard said there were like a million of them.
Howard said he loved Billy and he's not sure what his problem with him is. He doesn't have a problem with him. Robin said they'll have to wait for the book. Howard wondered if he would really write a book and wondered if people would know who he is outside of the show.
Artie said he loved Billy on the show. He said those were the golden ages of the show. Artie said that he's overpaid on the show and that's because of Howard. Howard said Billy was working up in Boston at the time and Mel Karmazin had played him some clips of him doing his Larry Fine impression and that's how he got the idea to hire him to work on the show. Howard said he met Billy and they started doing some stuff together. He said that he was on the show 2 or 3 days a week.
Howard said Billy only wanted to work with them but Mel wanted him to do other stuff. Howard said Billy ended up leaving because he didn't get the money he wanted. He said he thinks Billy blames him but he really tried to keep him on and he had nothing to do with that money.
The caller said Billy sounded great yesterday. The guy said he got the Jackie Joke app on his iPhone and he can play the inappropriate laughs during Robin's news. He said that's the best thing about it.
Fred said he found it interesting that Jackie used to deny that he made those noises on the show but now he's selling an app using those noises.
Howard asked Fred if he thinks that his assessment about Billy is right. Fred said he thinks that Billy has a lot of anger and he carries it around for a long time and spits it out to anyone nearby. Artie reminded them of the Ren and Stimpy guy who Billy kind of screwed over. He said that can show you what kind of stuff goes on. He told the caller to check that out.
Howard wondered how that all works. He said masturbating is so disgusting you just want to get it over with. He said that he can't imagine going through all of that stuff to get off.
Dave said that Sam Simon was out in the hall scouring the halls for chicks and money. He said that he lost money on that show of his just like Artie did. Howard said Dave hated doing that show from what he heard. Dave lost a lot of money.
Dave said he actually won money in that game. He won $6,000 and it was probably Artie's money. Howard asked Dave about the experience. Dave said he's more of a bocce man and not a card player. He said he likes to play but he knew it was going to be a scene. He said that Sam's house must be full of stuff like the original constitution or something.
Artie said that Sam's house is like that. He said that he and Frank Sebastiano have been there and they thought about just stealing one of Sam's paintings because they'd be rich for the rest of their lives if they had.
Dave said he asked to borrow money at the poker game and he had this guy come over to him and had him sign a piece of paper saying he owed the guy $3,000. He said that this was coming from the guy who invented the Simpsons.
Sam came back in so Howard talked to him about the poker game and how he had all of these guys helping him out and he made them pay him back. Sam said that he's not sure why but some of these guys thought that I was for a charity and no one ever asked what the charity was.
Dave wanted to play one hand against Sam for 5 grand. He said he wanted to do it but Howard told him he shouldn't.
Sam said that they did give the people $500 to start with in the poker game. Artie said that Sam pulled that money out of his ass and gave it to them. Dave asked if Sam plays all the time. Sam said he does but Dave knows how to play too. Dave said it's really not fun to play like that.
Howard let Sam go but Dave said he didn't want to burn a bridge with Sam. Howard said he's never going to work with him anyway.
Howard said that Dave was voted as one of the top 25 funniest guys. Dave said that was like 10 years ago. Howard asked if it changed his life at all. Dave said it didn't. He said he's a has-been now.
Dave said Sam was looking a lot like a local weatherman or something now. He said he looked amazing. Dave asked Howard if he has ever had to decorate his apartment. Howard said he did have to do that when he became a bachelor. Dave said that he hired a decorator and he keeps getting couches that he can't live with. He said that there's not enough room on his couches for the skanks that he picks up. He said they should make them for chubby chicks.
Howard told Dave about Robin's broken wrist. He said that Robin isn't a very good roller blader. Robin didn't appreciate that.
Dave said that he's doing a new show for the G4 channel about old porn. He said that he appreciates that Howard brought Bree Olson to the next level when he had her on the show. Dave said that Bree is the coolest chick he's ever met. He said she's into guns and Japanese anime porn.
Dave said he's never slept with Bree but Artie thought he had. Dave said he's not above it, he'd actually enjoy it.
Dave brought up the David Carradine thing and said he's not sure if that's the coolest thing to kill yourself doing or the oddest. Dave said that it might be the coolest. Howard said he would never do that because he just wants to get that over with when he's masturbating.
Artie said that Nelson Rockefeller died the best way. Howard said Nelson Rockefeller died in bed fucking his mistress. Howard said he died on top of this chick. That happened back in the 1970s.
Howard asked why the autoasphyxiation is cool. Dave said that he used to jerk off while driving a truck for a living. He said that he could have died doing that.
Howard asked Dave when he last masturbated. Dave said it was right before he came in there. Howard said he jerked off on Sunday and Monday night. Last night Beth came home so he banged her.
Howard knew a guy who jerked off 5 times a day when they were growing up. He said his schedule was amazing. Dave said that a lot of ethnic groups don't do that and see it as a defeat.
Dave said he masturbates maybe 2 or 3 times a day. He said it's only like that when he's in that mode. Dave said he does it like one time a day for pleasure and another so he can get to sleep.
Howard gave Dave some plugs for his appearances at Caroline's this week. He said he'll be there Thursday through Sunday.
Howard asked what happened to the Gong show. Dave said he wished that Howard had pulled him aside and told him not to do that show. Howard said he knew the show as going to be big for him so he didn't want to say anything.
Howard asked Dave if he has a death wish. Dave said that the Air France flight was the worst way to die... sitting next to French people. He said that's the kind of jokes he'll be doing at Caroline's.
Dave said that dying in a crash like that is the worst. He said his brother is actually a pilot and he'd hate to be on the plane with him if he crashed.
Howard asked Dave about the smoking and why he smokes so much when he has to use his voice every day. Howard said it must be a death wish. Dave said it might be. He said that smoking is the hardest thing to quit. Artie said it really is hard. He said he was able to quit heroin but not smoking.
Howard said he and Robin were smokers but they were both able to quit. Howard said he was smoking like 3 packs a day and it was horrible. Howard said he was lighting cigarettes one off another. He was trying to look cool and it was also insecurity. He said he'd just smoke to look busy at parties and stuff.
Dave said he was on Saturday Night Live for a season. He was on with Sarah and Norm. He was just a writer. He said he was only on two sketches or so.
Artie said that he and Dave did this Guy's Choice awards a few years ago. He said that Dave once said that he went to school with Adam Sandler and he asked him why he didn't keep in touch. Dave told him that Adam had made a right turn at Billionairesville so that's why.
Howard asked Dave if he's jealous of these guys who are making a ton of money that he's worked with him the past. Dave said that he doesn't mind it but he is kind of tired of traveling around the country all the time. Dave said that it's hard to do that stuff. He also talked about Howard doing Letterman and how hard it can be to prepare for that stuff.
Howard said he prepared with about 4 pages of stuff for that show. He said it might look spontaneous but it's really not much different than what he's doing. Howard said you have to be prepared no matter how big you get in the business.
Dave said that it is hard to do those shows but doing Craig Ferguson was easy. They told him to just show up. He didn't have to prepare that much for that.
Howard gave Dave some more plugs and said he's glad to see that things are going well for him. Howard said when Dave leaves he ends up getting depressed.
Dave asked Artie if he was ready to do another Afghanistan show. Artie said he's going again. He told Dave he may need him to come along with him again. Dave said they should do North Korea next and bring that girl home. Howard had to wrap up and go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that there was a piece of tape of Robin trying to open up a bottle. He said that Robin uses her teeth to open it. Howard said she looks around to see if anyone is watching and then gnaws it off. Howard said the Howard TV guys had it but Gary said they're saying they don't have it now.
Howard said he'd like to do something with Jeff the Drunk and Robin. Robin said that she has so much more function than he does right now. Howard asked if Jeff would win at tying his shoes or anything like that. Robin wasn't sure if he could. She said that she had to go to the bathroom after she got out of surgery and she didn't realize that her arm was numb and dead. She said she had this weight of a dead arm that almost knocked her to the ground.
Howard said maybe they could tie a whiffle ball bat to Jeff's arm to hit a ball or something like that. Howard said he wants to use him as a human bat. Artie said as long as Gary isn't pitching they should be okay. He said he didn't want an umpire to get hurt.
Artie said Jeff doesn't take any initiative so he wouldn't learn anything like tying his shies. Howard had Jeff on the phone so he asked if he knows how to tie his own shoes with one hand. Jeff said he can't do that. He has boots that he slips on instead.
Jeff said if he did wear sneakers he would have special ties for them. Robin asked how he unbuttons his pants. Howard had already hung up on him.
Another caller said that there are kids who try to hold their necks to pass out. He said that you do the same kind of thing in this autoasphyxiation thing. Howard said that there are a ton of deaths from this from what he's read. Howard said it's bigger than they know but he figured that masturbation was enough. He didn't think it could be any better.
Artie said he's insanely horny but he can't imagine being even hornier and wanting to do that kind of thing. The caller threw out some more names for that Sean guy who has the high register stutter. He suggested calling him Stuttering Sean. Artie said you have to mention the high pitch thing when you describe him.
Howard let the caller go and said that Julia Roberts was on Letterman last night and she apparently grilled Dave about his marriage. Howard said she must be doing that because of what he did. Howard said Julia got him to admit that his wife did take his name. Howard also read that she had sent him some champagne and he's wondering if Dave regiftted him with her champagne. Howard said she was on after him but he's not sure if he could have had a fast turn around like that. Robin didn't think that's what happened. Howard said he was going to get over that thought then.
Howard said that Gary was going to keep that stent in until Friday. He said Gary has to pee all the time and he could get it out today and he thought about leaving it in until Friday. Howard said even his father didn't understand that.
Howard said that he would have been at the doctor this morning if it was him. Gary said it was the availability of his wife that changed. He said that he had to wait for her to be home.
Gary said he was told that they clamp something around your penis and they kind of squeeze it until it pops out. Then he heard that they go in and grab it out with some instrument. Gary said one caller told him that it was going to hurt but another said it was just an odd feeling.
Howard said Steve Langford will be there getting some audio as it's being removed. Gary said that Vinnie Favale just wrote that the champagne wasn't the same bottle as Julia Roberts' like Howard was thinking. Howard said he can't wait to hear the story about Gary's stent removal.
Shuli said that Eric the Midget has revealed that he's not going to be calling the show more than a day of week. Eric has been losing sleep and he needs to get more. Howard said he could go to sleep earlier instead but whatever.
Shuli said they have a story about Robin's rant about Western medicine being bad for people. Jason was going off on her about that. Shuli had some details about that. Robin said that Jason can be angry all he wants. She said that Jason will fall apart with all of that blubber on his body soon anyway. Howard said Jason is 1 pound shy of the 300 pound mark. Artie said that's a big mark.
Howard asked Jon Hein what he had coming up. Jon ran through his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show and
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. Steve said they'll be talking to a new intern that was actually a baby sitter for Gary's kids. Gary said the kid lived like 5 houses away and the kid was smart and bright and he saw him with girls and stuff. He said he never wanted to have a guy baby sitter but this kid was okay from what he saw. Artie said it was nice of him to hire a real guy to be around his kids to teach them how to pitch.
Howard said Beth sent him a text message about listening to Coffee House while she was in Pittsburgh. She said that she was in a restaurant hearing it. Howard said it is kind of cool when you're out and hear that.
Howard said they played ''American Nightmare'' on Octane 20 on SIRIUS according to Jason. Jason said that it was listed as ''Howard and Rob Zombie'' and the DJ didn't even mention Howard's name. Artie said it's kind of cool they didn't even have to list Howard's last name.
Howard asked Robin to start her news after Fred played a song parody for her. It was ''I Dropped a Load On Robin's Boobs.'' Howard said that was a nice one.
Robin started off with a story about a skin sanitizer being recalled because it's contaminated with bacteria. Artie said that's irony. Howard said he has Purell around him all the time. Robin said that this stuff is Skin Shield and Citrus Shield among other brand names. Robin said that they recommend throwing this stuff out.
Bobo called in and asked Howard what he does to prepare for doing a Letterman appearance. Howard said he's not sure why he agreed to do it but he did. He said that he feels good about it for about an hour and then gets depressed. Then he spends 2 days going ''ugh'' and not preparing for it. Then he figures he has to prepare and starts to jot down notes about what to talk about. Howard said he then calls Ralph that he needs his help on what to wear. He said he actually told Ralph all of the stuff he wanted to talk about and he's helpful with that.
Howard said he told Ralph what he wanted to do and bounced that stuff off of him. Sometimes it might be Robin or Artie. Howard said then he'll write it out all long form in the way he wants to do it. Then he goes to Letterman, completely depressed, and gets miserable the whole day. He said he gets more and more aggravated as time goes on.
Howard said he used to get annoyed in the pre-interview but now he just does it. He said he's going to do it even if they don't want him to.
Robin asked Howard if he ever considers teeth whitening. Howard said he doesn't. He pointed out how white Robin's teeth are and how she's got the whitest he's ever seen.
Bobo asked Howard what he and Dave talked about during the break. Howard said in the first break Dave asked him why it had been a year and a half since he was on. Howard said he tried to tell Dave he didn't have that much to say over really loud music. Howard said the other conversation was about Rob Burnett and him hanging out and never talking about Dave.
Artie said he gets just one segment so he gets 4 seconds to talk to Dave. He said Dave always says to him ''Tell Howard I wish he would come on more...'' and something about Norm.
Howard said he did have one conversation about Artie during a break. He said Dave asked how he was doing. Howard said Dave really did ask how he's doing. Artie said that was sweet. He said that was pretty exciting.
Bobo asked if Howard and Dave talked about Jay at all. Howard said he didn't. He said he should write Dave a note and ask him to hang out. Howard said it would be kind of embarrassing to do that though. He said he kind of put that out there for him already.
Robin said she heard Dave and Regis get together and hang out. She heard he won't eat in the regular restaurant though. Howard said he and Beth go out to eat and he used to sit with his back to the crowd but he stopped doing that so he could look at the people in the restaurant. Howard said he loves looking at people. He said the ironic thing is that no one is looking at him.
Bobo asked if Dave has some kind of anxiety. It was kind of muffled so Howard asked if he was talking through his toupee. Bobo repeated himself a third time and said that it must be a social anxiety that he suffers from.
Artie said that there are people who do stare at you out in public. Howard said that the fans aren't that bad when you're out though. He said that they might come up and say hello and it's really not that bad.
Robin said she was in the emergency room waiting the other day and no one was bothering her. They told her that she should have announced that she was there so they could have gotten her in there quicker.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin had some of the details about the story Howard told earlier about the person who was stealing cancer patient stuff. Robin said that she had a few stories about similar stories. There was one guy who was robbing only Hispanic men because they wouldn't report the crimes in fear of being deported.
Howard took a call from a guy who wouldn't get to his point. Howard hung up on him and another guy brought up the Carradine death and said that he thought he was Chinese. Artie said that someone got mad at Robin earlier about people being stupid and this guy was proving Robin's point.
Another caller asked Howard if he was aroused when he walked on stage at Letterman. Howard didn't understand her question. The caller said that Howard looked a little aroused. She said that maybe it was wishful thinking. Howard let the caller go and said that was a strange bunch of phone calls.
Robin read about a hunger strike that a shoe bomber is on. He's been refusing food since March. Robin wondered why they would stop that. Howard said he shouldn't even be given food. Howard said he's a scumbag.
Robin read about Brett Michaels accident at the Tony Awards where he split his lip and broke his nose when he ran into a piece of the set. Robin read that he wasn't upset about the whole thing and he had been helped up by Shrek and the Donkey who were back stage.
Robin read about Mike Tyson getting married over the weekend just a couple of weeks after his 4 year old daughter died.
Robin read some news about Leonardo DiCaprio possibly breaking up with Bar Rafielli. Howard said he loves this guy because he just goes through the hottest chicks and tosses them to the side. Howard said he's having an extraordinary life.
Robin asked Howard if there is a need for the NAACP now. Howard said that they do have a black President and a black Governor. He said that it really is wild what's going on because we don't even hear from Jesse Jackson anymore. Robin said that Obama is planning to attend a NAACP event soon. She had some audio of someone on the NAACP talking about how there will always be a need for it.
Robin read some news about Russell Simmons being on CNN and discussing gay marriage. Howard said that he watched that and didn't know what the fuck the guy was talking about. Howard said he had no clue. He said that he was explaining why black people were voting against Prop. 8 in California and he didn't understand it. Howard played some of the audio of that explanation and defied Robin to figure out what he was saying. Artie tried to figure it out but he didn't get it either. Howard said he might need to hear the whole interview.
Robin read about Danny Gans death. Howard didn't even know who he was. Robin said he was a big dude out in Las Vegas. Artie said he was voted the best entertainer out there every year. He was a comedian. Artie said he worked at the Mirage and he had his own theater built out there. Artie said that he's a guy who a lot of comics would consider a hack. He said that he would do lame Colombo impressions and Howard Cossell impressions and stuff. He said that it did make people laugh and he was really successful but some guys think he's a hack. He said a lot of that is out of bitterness of course.
Robin said they did an autopsy on Danny Gans and it turns out it was health problems and the drug Hydromorphone that may have caused his death. That drug apparently made his heart problems worse than they were. Artie said that he probably made $40 million out there every year.
Robin said they're considering a federal ban on texting while driving. Howard said that's crazy. That's just common sense stuff. Artie said that he has done everything wrong driving and he thinks that it's easier to drink and drive than it is to text and drive.
Robin read about how Eddie Van Halen is pissed at Michael Anthony and they're not going to include Michael in the Van Halen version of Rock Band. They're not going to have Sammy Hagar either. They will have Wolfgang Van Halen though. Howard said it's sad when guys like that can't even talk to each other. Howard said Eddie can't get along with anyone apparently. Robin said that they're wiping out the Sammy Hagar years and the Michael Anthony years as well. Artie said that Wolfgang didn't play on some of their greatest stuff. He asked Howard if he would keep Jackie in the game if he had a Howard Stern video game. Howard said he would include Jackie. Fred said it would be Jackie's negotiating that would keep him out of the game. Howard said Jackie would give them a big ''fuck you.''
Robin read about Adam Lambert coming out in a Rolling Stone article. Howard said that Adam admits that everyone knew he was gay before he came out and it's no big surprise.
Robin read about this rap producer Farrell who is upset about how people spend more time worried about people's looks than their talent. He's talking about how Susan Boyle is a great talent and he's not happy that people are judging her on her looks. Artie said that guy was on the show one time and he's never seen a guy with a bigger attitude.
Robin said that they're remaking The A-Team into a movie. Liam Neeson is going to be taking on the lead role. She read about some of the other stars that will be in the movie and they haven't picked a replacement for Mr. T's character yet.
Robin said that MC Hammer is making a comeback. She said that he has a TV show called Hammer Time which is a reality show about his life. Howard said he should endorse a hammer with a name like that. Artie said that he got that hammer name from Reggie Jackson who called him little Hammer when he saw him in the locker room of baseball games because he was like a little spy for a team.
Robin read that Miley Cyrus has broken up with her boyfriend. Howard said he thinks that she's kind of cute. Artie asked when they can start talking about her that way. Robin said she's only 16 so they have to wait 2 years.
Robin read about Francis Ford Coppola's new movie ''Tetro'' that's coming out. She had some audio of him talking about his career in movies and wine making.
Robin finished up and Artie mentioned he's going to be on Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow night. Howard ended the show a short time later, right around 10:35am.
Will said that one of the girls changed her song a couple of times and he was kind of annoyed by that because it was for $5,000. Will said they ended up letting her stay home. Will said that Lonnie did a good job keeping the girls in line though.
Jon asked if it was Julianna's idea to sing her home country's national anthem. Will said it was her idea and she was able to come up with the song bed to sing along to. Jon had Teddy play some of that song from earlier in the morning.
After playing the clip Gary said that there were a hundred things going on. He said she was very sincere singing that song and she wasn't goofing around. He said that they don't know other people's national anthems and they were all cheering for her before it was over. Gary said he thought it was going to be really bad because her interview was going nowhere. He said she seemed like a hostage when she was being interviewed.
Jon asked if Artie had any success hitting on her. Gary isn't sure she knew that he was offering her that money just to have lunch.
Jon said that Ava was very funny in the segment but she didn't take her top off. Jon said it's expected when you go in there to do that. Will said that he asked in the pre-interview if they would do that and she said she would. Will said the second chick had perfect tits so that made up for it. Will said the song just added to it for him.
Jon said that Ava sang pretty good and then Robin knocked her down right away. She told her that the song was bad and she didn't sing it well. Gary said Robin may be taking her pain out on everyone around.
Jon said that Stacy was very unique with her performance. It came down to her and Julianna in the end. Gary said she had the looks going for her.
Jon asked if they had done a recount like that in a contest before. Gary said they have had that happen before.
A caller said that he was annoyed by the whole thing. He said he loves Artie but he was very annoying sounding like Chester the Molester offering money to those chicks. Gary said that it's generally a joke when he does that. The caller said that the singing was really bad too. The caller said Artie ruined it for him. He said that not being able to see that woman singing also ruined it.
Another caller said they should have a game on how long this girlfriend is going to stick with Artie. He said that any girl isn't going to stick around with him doing the things he does. Gary asked if he really thought he was serious. The caller said that Artie might be joking but there is some truth to what he was doing. The guy asked Gary if his wife would put up with that. Gary said that she has. He's not propositioning girls but that's just a shtick that Artie does.
The caller said that Artie is setting up his own failure. The guy said that Artie is talking too much again too and Howard needs to talk to him again.
Jon said that the voting was all over the place today too. He asked why that was. The guys talked about Julianna and how seriously she was taking the contest. Benjy said she could be a novelty pop star. He said that if they got her to do a catchy pop song she could be a star. Gary said he might be right. He said that if they were doing a love show he would have her perform that national anthem and the audience would probably go nuts for it.
Jon asked Will about the processed food stuff that Robin was talking about today. Will said that everyone knows that processed food is bad for you and Robin is talking about it like it's something new. Gary said it might be new to her.
The guys talked about strippers and how guys can fall in love with them when they go to the clubs. Will said that happens all the time. He said that the girls really aren't in it for that, they're just in it for the money.
A caller said he thought the Stripper Idol segment was great. The caller said that it seems like they're more of a team player when they take their tops off so he likes to hear that when he's listening.
Another caller brought up Robin's arm bed and said that his daughter had something similar on her foot. He said they have to wear it to make sure nothing moves inside. He said the pins are espoused outside of the skin and that's why they have that thing on. Gary said if it was him, he wouldn't have brought it out with him. Gary said he knows Howard would have given him a hard time if he had gone out to a movie wearing something like that. He didn't give Robin a hard time.
The caller said his daughter just got cleared to go back to gymnastics and it's been 8 months since her injury. He said she's easing back into it. Most kids don't come back from it that quick.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he wanted to stick up for Artie. He said it's better now that he's off the dope and that he's back to talking again. He said he loved it when Artie and Gilbert were on together goofing around.
Scott said he thinks that yelling at a dog is cruel. Gary said that's not a physical thing. Scott said that they don't know that yelling doesn't hurt the pets more than smacking.
Benjy said that Sam is a vegan but he thinks that there is a hypocrisy when people who eat animals tell Scott that he's wrong for smacking a dog. Gary said that's not the same thing. He said that pets aren't meant to be eaten but some animals are.
Gary said it's the culture they're in. Gary said there are a lot of things that are acceptable in other parts of the world that aren't acceptable here.
Scott said he's not going to change just because it offends someone in there. He said the dog loves him even if he does smack it. Gary said he could get Scott arrested by taking a picture of him hitting it. Scott also claimed that he had never whacked his dog with a newspaper. He said he uses his hand. Scott said the dog has learned and it doesn't jump up on the table anymore. He said it's working.
Jason was telling Scott that comparing the pet to eating animals is wrong. He said that when you get a pet like that you have a responsibility to take care of it. He said eating meat isn't the same thing.
The guys were going back and forth arguing about whether or not it was right to hit the dog. Jason said they were stretching to make a point. Jason said they also learned how stupid Scott is. He said that he has such rigid thinking that he's not willing to change. He said that no matter what information they give him, he's going to stick to it and not change. He said it's a strange way to live your life.
Scott said it works for him so why would he change. He said there is no problem with the old way. Jason and Scott argued about that and Jon said he's not sure where this is going.
Gary brought up how Scott's Video Caddy wouldn't help him out with his golf game. Scott said that it would help and he can prove it. He said that he could learn from watching his golf swing after taping it using that golf caddy. Then he said that Gary could learn from a professional. The guys pointed out that he had just said he wouldn't learn from a pro about his pets so why would he learn to play golf from a pro. They went back and forth on that a little bit too.
Jason said that he taught his dog not to jump on him by not paying any attention to it when it jumps on him. Will asked what he does when the dog doesn't put on its Derek Jeter jersey. Jason said that dog drags the jersey over to him to put it on him.
Jon took a call from a guy who agreed with Scott about the way he raises his dogs. He said they're very loyal to him and he beats them when they do wrong. He said that he kneed his dog in the chest when it growled at him when he grabbed the rawhide bone from him. He said he's punched his dog in the face before too. Jason said he hopes the ASPCA is listening to this now.
Scott told the guy to keep doing what he's doing even though it did sound a little harsh to him. Jason said that beating your kid was acceptable until the 1960s or so. Jason asked Scott if he would beat his kids. Scott said he doesn't but if they committed a crime or something he wouldn't have a problem with it.
Ralph called in and said that the point is that Scott enjoys beating the dog in some way. He said there's something wrong with him if he enjoys doing that. Ralph said his mother had dogs and she never beat them to train them.
Ralph said the dogs that Sam's organization trains are amazing. They train them without beating them. He said they do amazing things and it's not necessary.
Benjy asked Ralph if he likes to mutilate his meat before he eats it. Ralph said that he enjoys eating meat and he doesn't have to mutilate it because it's prepared for him.
Jon and Gary took control of the show back. Gary said that Scott doesn't like change and that's why he won't deviate off of that way of doing things.
Ralph asked Gary if he thought Scott was stupid on some level. Gary said he's not stupid, he just chooses not to interpret things that make him think more than he needs to. Jon asked Ralph what else he had to say. Ralph said you don't need to beat your dog to train it. He said that you don't need money either like Scott was saying this morning.
Scott said he doesn't have a problem, everything is great. He said he hasn't hit his dog in maybe 2 or 3 months. He said everything is going very well with the dog.
Jason asked Scott what he's teaching his kids when he hits the dog. Ralph said he probably hits the kids too. Scott said the kids are just learning that humans are above animals. Scott told Ralph that he should go out and get a dog from a shelter and save it. Ralph said that he's very busy and wouldn't subject a dog to his lifestyle.
Jon thanked Ralph for calling in and took another call. The caller said that he has a yellow lab and the dog is 3. He said they used to hit it and used a shock collar on it and it worked. He said that Scott is ignorant too though. He said that the barking at the dog works just as well as hitting it. Scott said that it's different training a dog that's a year old. He said their dog is only 7 months old. The caller said that the hitting is going to stick with it and he's probably going to have to hit it again in a couple of months.
Jason said he saw a dog that had a shock collar and it was one of the saddest things he's ever seen. The dog was scared to death of human beings. Will said he's known dogs that have used them and they're just fine.
Jon asked how the shock collar works. Gary said that they put a collar on it and it shocks the dog when it gets about 10 feet away from the electric fence. Benjy said that Doug Hurwitt trained his kids to stay in the hard using that collar.
Gary said that the shock the dogs get isn't that bad. Gary said his dog has this. Will told Gary he's a hypocrite for using that and telling Scott he's wrong for hitting it. Gary said he doesn't get shocked very day. Gary said he's saving the dog from getting run over by a car. Gary said that it's commonly used. Scott said hitting is too.
Jon asked Gary what happens to the dog. Gary said that it's not that big of a shock. He said it's just a warning. Gary said he has held the collar and it's just a little shock. He said he lets the dog out most of the time without it on because he knows the parameters of the yard. Will asked him why he doesn't just train the dog not to run into the road. Gary said sometimes it doesn't work.
Scott said that what Gary does is the same thing that he does. Gary said it's not the same. Will said it is the same. Will told Gary he just proved himself to be a hypocrite live on the air. Jon said he didn't expect to be talking about dogs for a half hour. He had to go to break after that.
Jon said that the guys were all over the place with the dog hitting thing. Jon said that they'll take come calls on that too.
Doug Hurwitt called in and said he didn't use the invisible fence to train his kids. He does have an invisible fence and he promised Howard not to put the collar on his dog. He said one of the kids did try the fence but he didn't make him do it, the kid tried it on his own. Doug said he thinks his son heard Bubba's show or something and tried it three times. He said that one is 13 year old today.
Jon asked Doug if he thinks that Gary is a hypocrite using the invisible fence and then saying that Scott is wrong for smacking his dog. Doug said he didn't think he was.
Doug said that they had the invisible fence before they got the Katrina rescue dog. He said that the fence has freaked the dog out and he is terrified whenever it even hears his watch alarm going off. Gary said his dog is very active and his dog would run away if he didn't use the invisible fence.
Jon moved on to talk about Sam Simon. He said Howard went through most of his career and he's got a lot of great shows under his belt. Gary said Sam really did work on a lot of great shows like Taxi and Cheers among others.
Gary said that when Seinfeld was on the show people would send him scripts all the time like he'd be able to get them to Jerry. Gary said he never did get them to Jerry though.
Jon asked Gary about the card game and how Dave seemed to think he was owed some money even though he was playing with his own. They said that it was an odd set up the way they played the game and some of the people were confused about whose money they were playing with.
A caller said that he heard Howard talking about the weatherman this morning and he's one himself. He said that he thinks that the good guys out there have a good personality and good looks. He said that the guy Howard was talking about probably doesn't have any weather expertise and Howard might be right about that. Gary said that a good percent of them are complete tools and don't know about that stuff.
The guys talked about some other weathermen like Al Roker who have been able to cross over and do other things. Gary said there's this guy Sam Champion guy too and he's like a classy guy doing the weather. Gary and Jon talked about some of the serious people who don't get all goofy and do that kind of stuff like this guy Howard was complaining about this morning.
Brian Phelan came in and brought up Lloyd Lindsay Young and how goofy he was. Gary said he was a buffoon. He said that he was a really nice guy but he was a buffoon.
Jon asked the guys why Howard was going off on this guy. Jason said that Howard doesn't need this goofy weatherman making it sound like he just disappeared from radio. Gary said that it's like ''who the fuck is he'' to be talking about Howard Stern in that way.
Benjy said that Howard is elevating that guy by talking about him like that. Gary said tools like that guy are generally going to enjoy that too.
Ralph called in and said that he's not sure what the confusion was at the Sam Simon game. He said he wasn't confused about it at all. Ralph said it was at a casino and not at Sam's house so he's not sure what the confusion was with Artie and Dave.
Ralph said they were all given 500 bucks and they could buy in for more if they lost that. He said that some of the guys were buying in for a ton of chips so that's when it became a big competition. He said he wasn't able to do that himself though. Ralph said he ended up having to fold really early to stay in the game.
The guys talked about which poker games they like and dislike. Jon also asked Ralph if Howard is a good card player. Ralph said that he used to play a lot more but not so much these days. He said Howard would get frustrated easy too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sam was talking about the Mighty Mouse thing and he seems to remember it being ripped off the air when they had him doing a line of spinach and flying into the air. Gary said he's not sure which one he was working on but there were some that were really out there and not even really for kids. The caller said he remembers hearing about some of that stuff and they should have asked Sam about that.
Gary talked about how he had gotten one of the cells from the original Simpson's episodes. He said that was really cool of him to do that and he still has it hanging in his house.
Another caller said that he uses a training collar on his dog and he shocks the dog when he does something wrong. He said that he gets the hang of it and knows when it's doing something wrong. He said that Scott beating his dog is something different. He said that the shocking is tamed down and not the same as hitting. Jon asked what the difference is between the collar and the electric fence. The caller said that the collar has 9 levels of shock and he never goes above 4. Gary said the fence is set to go off on its own while the shock collar is manual. They spent a minute on that and had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show asking Robin about her arm. Robin said it's getting better. Howard asked about Gary's Stent removal too. He said he heard he was in excruciating pain. Robin wasn't sure how that works. She said if they traumatize the area taking it out then how does it work.
Gary said he's a pussy. He said that it was horrible. He said he and Steve Langford drove up to Connecticut to the doctor's office to get the procedure done. Gary said they were sitting in the doctor's office and didn't explain who Steve was.
Gary said he went into an office and he had to take off everything from the waist down. The nurse, who was attractive, stepped out. She told him to put something on his lap to cover up. Gary said he started looking at the instruments in the room and he started thinking about what they could be for. Howard said that reminds him of a Star Trek episode where they talked about the instruments they used to use as being barbaric.
Gary said there were some tubes hanging and a liquid that looked like it could be used. He said he stated to freak out about it. Gary said they took this thing off his lap and the nurse was in there and his dick was so shrunken that he had to pull it out.
Howard asked Gary what was going on because he didn't understand. He went through the story again and asked about being nude from the waist down. Gary said the nurse took the thing off his lap so he was nude from the waist down.
Howard asked Gary about being on the table. Gary said his penis was so small that he couldn't find it. It was retracted because he hadn't had anything sexual going on in 20 days or so. He had to pull it out because it was hiding. He was also embarrassed in front of this girl.
Gary said the doctor came in and explained what was going to go on. They wiped the head of his penis to get him ready. He said he started to freak out and they asked him to calm down. It was a numbing gel they were putting on him.
Gary said he looked down and started to freak out again. He said they were going to insert something in there so he was squirming around. He said the doctor kept telling him to calm down. He said the guy got really stern with him too. He said he might have to bring him next door to the hospital and knock him out.
Gary said he tried to take it easy. The nurse told him to take deep breaths. He said Steve was out in the waiting room at the time. Gary said he didn't bring the recorder into the room with him though. He said he didn't think they'd want it in there.
Gary said he was breathing hard and going nuts so then he sees them going into his penis with a camera. He had to go in there to see what he was going to pull out. Howard asked Gary why they don't knock him out for this. Gary said they were in there for an hour blasting so that's why he was knocked out for that.
Gary said he could feel a burning when the camera was in there. He said it wasn't so painful. He said it was just uncomfortable and odd feeling. He said that was weird and then he said they were pulling it out and Gary was clawing onto the table. He said it didn't hurt but it didn't feel good. He said he's not sure how they pulled it out.
Gary said he thinks he felt liquid on him and the he saw that it was about 12 inches long. He said the doctor explained to him how it worked. It was pulled out and he felt like he had been raped. He said it was a horrible feeling.
Gary said he got dressed and they all left the room. Gary said he had something to cover up with while they left the room. Gary said they told him not to pee before he got there so he went to pee after. He said it hurt really bad and burned. He said they had to make sure he could pee after that.
Howard asked if he screamed. Gary said he just groaned. He said he walked out and Langford was waiting for him. Howard asked Gary if he's going to change his diet now. Gary said the doctor told him that he has to come back and talk about his diet. He said he has to pee in something for 24 hours to find out what he has to change in his diet yet because of that.
Gary said he left and met up with Langford. Langford kept his mic on the whole time. He said Langford never stops or says he's done. He just wants him to keep talking. He said he dropped Steve off at the train station and then he went home.
Gary said he went home and it was like 4 o'clock. He said he didn't feel bad so he was going to go to his son's baseball game. Then he felt a pain in his stomach. He said it was getting worse and worse. Gary said he was going to take a pill to get over the pain. He said it kept getting worse. He said he emailed his doctor and he told him to call him.
Gary said that the doctor told him that he might still have a fragment in there. He said he had the pain of a kidney stone. Gary said he passed part of a stone around 10 last night and the pain went away. He said he went through all of that shit and still went through the pain of passing a stone.
The guys told Gary that story was awful. Howard said some of this stuff is hereditary and he knew a guy who used to pass those things on a regular basis. Howard said the guy looked healthy and he was passing them almost every day. Robin said she's seen people crying and unable to walk because of them. Howard said this guy would be writhing in pain on the floor.
Gary said walking around was better than laying down for him. He said he had to do that to get over the pain. Howard told him that he should be thin by next week if he changes his diet.
Howard said that to top off all of that for Gary the Mets lost. Gary said that's true. Howard said he's glad Gary is feeling better. Gary said he can pee now and it's not as bad as it was. Gary said he had all of these x-rays, CAT scans and operations and he still had to pass that stone.
Gary said he was all naked there having this procedure done with a tiny penis and that wasn't fun. Howard said he's seen Gary naked before and he has a pretty good sized penis. He said he'd be even smaller than Gary if he had to do that. He said they could have sent Gary to the gynecologist after seeing that. Artie said if he can change his diet then Gary can change his.
Howard said he was talking to Scott DePace about prostate examinations and the doctor has to stick his finger in your ass when you do that. Scott told him that he would never get that done. Howard said you have to have that done. Scott won't do it. Howard said if he gets cancer and doesn't know it, it's worse than having a finger up your ass. He said that's why he was telling Scott that.
Scott said he just turned 40 and there is no history of that in his family so he's going to wait. Howard said he should just get it done. Artie has had it done.
Howard told Scott he might go through a living hell if he doesn't get this done. He said that he should welcome the finger in there. Artie said he would let Nicole Bass ass fuck him with a dildo to avoid cancer.
Howard said that he didn't want to give him the time but the guy responded to him yesterday on the news program he's on. Howard said the guy is such a shithead.
Howard played the audio of them playing the audio of Howard going off on him and then mark saying that he's actually a big fan of Howard's. Kriski then said that when Howard was on regular radio you'd walk by a Starbucks and hear Howard being played. Now you don't hear that.
Howard said that comment is the same thing that Jay Leno said when he went off on him once. Howard said that of course he was more popular when he was on regular radio. He said that satellite is going to have less people on it. He said that they went from 600,000 listeners to over 20 million in 3 years and a weatherman could never imagine doing anything like that.
Howard played more of the audio and they were talking about how Howard doesn't have the impact he used to. Howard said of course it doesn't. He said they're not making any sense talking about this stuff. Howard said they don't have as many listeners on satellite so of course it doesn't have the same impact.
Artie said that he was a club comedian and he played Carnegie Hall, he got a book deal, Gary still has Baba Booey yelled out at him all over the place. They're still relevant.
Robin said that Howard made Sirius XM what it is today. The guys on the news program were saying that Sirius XM stock was down at 34 cents and they were blaming Howard for that. Howard said that has nothing to do with him. He said he brought in the listeners. That's what his mission was. He said that's all he had to do and the stock price doesn't have to do with that. Howard said he wasn't sure that he could bring in any listeners but he was sick of terrestrial radio and gave it a shot.
Artie said that he felt Howard's pain over at K-Rock after the whole Janet Jackson thing. Howard said things have worked out very well. He said Mel Karmazin told him he's the most important person in the company. He said that he can't help the stock price. He said that's not up to him. He said he can effect the subscriptions. He said that if he's bringing in millions of subscribers then he's bringing in billions of dollars in revenue for the company. He said this guy Mark could never dream of that. He said no one cares about Jay Leno either and he couldn't bring in any listeners either.
Howard said that Mark can go put on a goofy hat or give some birthday wishes and act like he's relevant. Howard played more of the audio of them going off on Howard and how the company isn't successful. Howard said it's the fastest growing media in the world right now. They will be successful according to Howard.
In the clip one guy was saying that Ryan Seacrest has more listeners than Howard does. Fred and Artie pointed out that the guy talking actually does reports for Ryan Seacrest. They didn't point that out on the show.
Howard said that Ryan might have a lot of listeners but their stock is down in the toilet too. Howard said he thinks that he works for Clear Channel and they're supposed to be filing for bankruptcy.
Howard said they could give that crew a radio show there and no one would buy a subscription for that. He also said that he could walk down the street with that Mark guy and no one would recognize Mark but a lot would recognize him.
Howard said that just won't fly. Robin said they have that fat girl from Hairspray hosting the show. Howard wasn't sure who she was talking about. Robin wasn't sure who she was.
Howard said that it came out that David Carradine had a woman's wig on when he died. He was also wearing fishnet stockings according to the report he read.
Howard said he guesses that guys do this and think of themselves as women being taken by force or something. Howard said they printed pictures in a newspaper in the country where he died and they showed he was wearing a red negligee. Howard said he had a glass of wine poured for himself too. Howard said he was wondering about this and figured that he wanted to be like a woman. He said that's what they're claiming he was doing now.
Howard said you have to think ahead about what might happen if you pass out and someone finds you. Robin said that he must have been carrying all of that stuff with him. Howard said he read some quotes from some people who had dealt with him.
Howard read some details about Carradine's life and how he had been married 5 times. Howard said he would stop after a couple if they don't work out.
Howard said that Jillian and her husband are on this show called ''The House Husbands of Hollywood.'' It's basically about husbands who don't have to work because their wives work. Howard said he got a preview of the show through Beth yesterday. Howard said Beth had gone over to interview John Stamos for some ''Project Cuddle'' thing he's doing. Howard said John has a new girlfriend though.
Howard said Beth came home and he wanted to watch this Jillian show. Howard said he knew the show was going to be horrible. He said it was boring and horrible like he thought. He stuck with it because Jillian was on. Howard said Jillian is good on it and you don't want to see anyone other than Jillian and her husband.
Howard said Jillian is constantly rolling her eyes because of this guy Grant. Howard said the guy is doing everything like cooking for everyone and watching the kid. He said that Jillian asked to open up some champagne before a party and the husband was saying that it was 7 minutes before the party and he didn't want to serve champagne. Howard said the guy won the argument and Jillian didn't get to serve the champagne.
Robin said Jillian told her not to get married. Howard said Jillian earns all of the money in the relationship and in the second episode he was looking at the credit card bills. The guy ends up going off on Jillian for spending so much. Meanwhile, she's the one making the money. The husband was telling her she has to save money. Howard said she never said to him that she was the one making the money though. Howard said she didn't play that card and he appreciates that. He said maybe he's trying to be responsible too but it came off really weird. Howard said you want to tell the guy to get a job.
Howard said she seems like she's really miserable. Robin said she is. She said she went out to dinner with her and Jillian told her not to get married.
Howard said this is an unbelievable blunder on NBC's part. Howard said they had a number one guy with Leno and now they're losing to Letterman.
Howard said he's gotten a lot of offers to go back to terrestrial radio lately. He said that walking away from that for 5 years was a great thing to do. He said it shows how badly they need him on terrestrial.
Howard said someone told him that NBC made this deal knowing that Conan would fail and they'd ruin his reputation so he can't get a job anywhere else. He said that they may bring Leno back if Conan fails. Howard said that network execs aren't that smart though so he doesn't believe that.
Howard said he thinks that they just wanted to bring in someone who was younger to replace the aging Jay Leno. Howard said Conan was getting beaten by Craig Ferguson and he can barely speak English. Howard said Craig was beating Conan and Conan still had a good thing going there at NBC. Howard said that you never go to a winning franchise and take over. Howard said he never did that. He always went into a toilet of a station and brought them up in the ratings. Howard said Conan would have been better off going to another network instead.
Howard said Conan must feel awful about all of this right now. He said that he brought his whole crew out to L.A. and now his ratings are dropping. Howard said that no one cared when he was low rated at 12:30 at night. Howard said you never take over for a guy who is winning.
Robin said that Johnny Carson's ratings were tanking and Jay was beating him when he took over. Howard said it was over for Carson at the time. Howard said Jay was still getting ratings and he was at the top of his game. Howard said it's probably bittersweet for Letterman because he didn't even care about beating Conan. Robin said it would be a disaster for Letterman if they brought Leno back.
Artie said he doesn't get why the country responds to Leno the way they do. Robin and Howard said it's women. They're the cause of all of these issues. Women like Leno better apparently. Howard said that Letterman's ratings are starting to go up so they may be coming from the Tonight Show.
Howard said that these guys are all nuts. He said he was obsessed with the Jews and blacks. Howard said he freaked out and just shot this security guard. Howard said that poor guard was just doing his job.
Howard read about some of the quotes from people who have been bashing Israel lately and they're all people who abuse their citizens themselves.
Howard saw some pictures of Phil Spector without his wig on. He said that he looks crazy. Howard said that guy is going to be rotting away for some time in jail now.
Artie said that 88 year old has probably wanted to do that shooting thing for a long time and now that he's so old it doesn't matter to him.
Howard said the 88 year old's wife was saying that she was afraid he was going to do this because he had threatened to do something crazy. Howard read about the woman who married this nut. Howard said this shows how great women are. He said that she married this guy knowing what he was about.
Howard read about this old guy's history and he seemed to have some shit going on during his life. He said that he worked for a big ad firm and had a college education. Howard said that some of these brilliant guys have a strange intelligence that drives them insane. He said that he will never go insane himself if that's the case. He said he's not smart enough to go crazy.
Artie asked Howard if he would go on Conan's show if he asked. Howard said he would go on if he was promoting something. He's not going to fly out there just to do the show though.
Howard said that he has spoken to Conan about this move he made and he warned him not to do it. Howard said Conan had it made there at 12:30 at night. Howard said he was losing to Craig Ferguson! He said that taking on the Tonight Show was going to fail. He said that NBC should have given him a bonus not to do the Tonight Show.
Artie asked Howard how this affects Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he has no idea what's going on over there. Artie said he's going to be on that show tonight so they're going to win all of the wars.
Howard predicts that Conan will be out once NBC fires him. He won't have a job to go to since Jimmy Fallon took his time slot. Artie said that makes him really sad because he likes Conan so much. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he had an update on Natalie Dylan. He said that she was on the show about a year ago who was at the Bunny Ranch and selling her virginity. She claims that she hasn't lost it yet.
Natalie was on the phone and said she's had it up for sale for 9 months. Howard read it was up to 3.8 million dollars. She said that was right and the guy ended up backing out when he fell in love with another woman. Natalie said that he actually reconciled with his ex-wife. She has a $250,000 deposit from the guy.
Howard asked why she didn't go with the second highest bidder. Natalie said she let all of the other guys go but she could probably go with one of them.
Howard said this all seems kind of fake to him. She said it does to her too. Robin said that it sounded odd to her too. She read that she won't sell it for less than $50,000 now. Natalie said she read a lot of stuff in the paper too.
Natalie said this is legitimate. She said that there was one offer that was a little over a million. Howard said she should just take that and get it over with. She said that she would. She said that she's not hurting right now, she's got a job and she's going to work today after the interview. She said she works with younger people and didn't want to say what she's doing. She said her boss knows what she's doing but doesn't want visitors to her job.
Natalie said that she hasn't collected the $250,000 that the guy put down as a deposit. She said that she feels weird about that. Howard said that it's her money though. She said that it's refundable but the guy isn't taking it back. Natalie said that they're holding it for her at the Bunny Ranch.
Natalie is 22 and she is dating a guy. Howard asked what the guy does with her. She said that they're not together in that way but she does kiss him. She said that she isn't completely virginal but she's done everything other than intercourse. She said that she will do more than a hand job. She said that she will blow him but not give him her ass. She said that she has given guys her ass in the past but not her vagina.
Howard said the only thing that hasn't been touched is her vagina. She said that she's had fingers in there but no penis.
Howard said Ronnie was out in the hall yelling about this girl. He said that he hates her for some reason. Ronnie came in and said that no one cares about this. He asked why someone would want to sell this. Howard said they're just saying that women lose their virginity to guys they never see again. Ronnie said it's just fuckin' stupid. He told her to go out and find a guy and get married. He said this is just stupid.
Ronnie kept repeating the stupid thing so Artie did an impression of him and repeated the ''stupid'' comments. Ronnie said that even Artie wouldn't do this. Ronnie said that it's really annoying to him.
Howard said that people don't just go out and find love. He said that the first guy you bang is never the love of your life so this girl is trying to make some money off of the deal.
Howard said Natalie was saying that she's back on the market. She said that she guesses she is. Gary said the Bunny Ranch called them and let them know about this. Natalie said she's just following a schedule they gave her at the Bunny Ranch.
Howard said that Natalie's vagine is the thing up for bid. Howard said you can find her at BunnyRanch.com.
Howard asked Natalie about this guy she's seeing. She said that he knows all about what she's doing. Howard asked what he can do to her. She said he can do anything except put it in there. She said that he can lick her and stick fingers in but no penis. Howard wished Natalie luck with all of this and let her go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Irish John who asked how much they have to raise to make this girl go away. He said they should pay her to have sex with Beetlejuice. He said he'd put up 5 grand to help with that.
The caller asked Howard about why he hates masturbating so much. Howard said there's a lot of shame in it because you always hide it from people. He said that you want to think that you're like Ward Clever or something but that's not what it's like when you're beating off. Gary said he's almost 50 and he hasn't stopped doing something that he was doing when he was 14. Robin said that they don't think about it until after they're done. Howard said he does think about it while he's preparing for it.
Howard said he should have just jerked off every time he wanted to have sex with a woman. He said that you end up with people in your life that you don't need.
Lisa said the titanium plate stays in there forever. Howard asked if the screws do too. She said it all stays in there. Lisa said the cast comes off in 9 days and then she gets a splint and about 6-8 weeks of therapy. She said that they say her whole summer won't be ruined. Robin said that she's not so sure about that. Lisa said that she may not even get 100 percent movement back in her wrist.
Howard said Robin is putting on a smile but he knows that she must be in pain over all of this. Robin said that she has gone through stuff like this before and it was a whole different experience. She now figures that it's just something she has to go through.
Howard asked if she's in a good mood because of her new boyfriend. Robin said there is no boyfriend and she's just in a good mood. Howard said she will never roller blade again. Robin said that she will. She said that she's not a bad roller bladder and she will do it again.
Lisa said that Gary's stent is out and now he's going to get a colonoscopy. Howard said Gary should take a break for a while. Robin said he should get a camera permanently implanted.
Lisa said that Robin has never had a colonoscopy before. Howard told her she should. Ralph called in and said that Robin has to be getting banged because she's in a great mood lately. Howard said he thinks that Beth is keeping some secret from him about Robin. Robin said she and Beth haven't been keeping in touch much lately. She said that she's very busy.
Howard asked Robin to swear that she wasn't having sex. Robin said that she swears that she doesn't have some particular man. Howard asked Robin if she's had sex in the past month. Robin said she wasn't able to swear that she hadn't done that.
Howard said he saw a picture of Megan Fox in the paper today and she looks so hot other than the awful tattoos she has on her body. Howard said she's got to be perfect. There are no flaws on this girl. He said her tattoos are bad though. He said one looks like Marilyn Monroe.
Lisa said that Beth has been talking to Hamptons magazine and she's going to be hosting some events to help the North Shore Animal League. Howard said he's married to a little socialite. He said that she's great and turns him on in every way. Howard said they've been together for 9 years and they're still going strong. Artie said that Beth is just delightful and makes you feel good. He said she makes you feel good.
Howard said that they had Beth and Lisa Rinna in the same dress and compared the two in Us Magazine. He said that they gave the win to Lisa even though Beth looked better in it. Howard said they always do that to Beth. She looks better in it and they give the win to the other celebrity. Howard said he thinks that's something publicists do.
Lisa talked about some new jewelry that Beth is designing. Howard said that's for charity and she's not making any money off of it. They stuff is called ''Bling Bones'' and it's a gold dog bone.
Lisa said that they learned that Yucko the Clown's ex-wife is dating a bail bondsman who was married about 15 years ago. She said that she's no longer in touch with Yucko and she's sorry about what she did on the air with Yucko. Howard said she was a nice girl and maybe some mistakes were made. Artie told Yucko not to mess with her anymore if she's with a bail bondsman. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard asked Robin about her wrist and if she's worried about it not having the mobility it once did. Robin said she has a positive attitude about it. She said that she will be back. Howard said this guy who is banging her must be giving it to her good because she's got an amazingly positive attitude. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and introduced the Foo Fighters song as a bad morning DJ. Howard let that play for a short time and said that song gets him every time. He loves that song. Howard said they haven't seen those guys in a long time.
Howard said he was listening to that Swap Shop prank thing and didn't know that they had gotten in the word Faggela. Howard played a new one that Sal and Richard did where Richard told the host to lower his radio. In the call Richard was talking about the stuff he was selling and then told them to turn down their radio when he was playing back his own call. Sal then called in and said they had Robin Quivers' Red Snapper for sale. Richard called back and said he had a dip net for sale and then his voice started to feed back again. The host was upset that he was blaming them for the problem when it wasn't them.
Howard said that guy wasn't happy about being dicked around with. Howard said he had a clip from a TV show called ''Finland's Next Top Model.'' Janice Dickinson is on the show and she sounded kind of tipsy in that show. Howard played the clip where Janice asks a model why she wants to be a model. Janice goes off on the girl yelling at her about the way she answered. She was telling her that she should want to ''eat, shit, sleep and eat'' as a model. She said ''eat'' twice in a couple of sentences.
Artie said that the girl told him that her sister likes the Howard Stern Show. He said that she gave him a little bit of an attitude.
Artie said that they have this thing in the bathroom called ''Poopsidaisy'' that's supposed to get rid of the shit smell in the bathroom. Howard said that they shouldn't have even given a patient for that thing.
Artie said he didn't defecate in there, he just pissed, but the name of that thing pisses him off. Artie said that thing makes you think about how gross they are.
Howard said the smell of those sprays is worse than the smell of just doody. He said he'd rather have just the smell of doody. Gary said he thinks you're supposed to put the stuff in the toilet before you go.
Howard said that there's a book in the bathroom and it's just one book and it's the John McCain biography. Howard said he could never read a book that other people have read while taking a shit. Gary said they think that Scott DePace left it in there. Howard said that Scott just admitted to doing that.
A caller told Howard that he should look at Megan Fox's thumbs because they're so gross that he can't think of her the same. He said that her thumbs are like half the size of a normal thumb. Howard said guys get hung up on stuff like that and he never does. He said he'd still bang her. Howard said he couldn't give a fuck about feet or thumbs.
Fred pulled up a picture of Megan's thumb and showed it to Howard. Howard told the guy he was high as a kite. He said he'd still bang her with those thumbs.
Howard got back to the Janice Dickinson clips and played more of the audio of her wackiness. She was crying in another clip and screaming at the other models on the show. She was telling them they were all dumb and telling them to call the ambulance for her. Howard said he had some audio of her apologizing to them as well.
Howard said that the girls should form a circle around her and just shit on Janice. He played more of her talking to the models and apologizing for what she did. She was explaining how she had taken some sleeping said and champagne and that's why she behaved the way she did.
Howard said he got a letter from some people who want him to be a spokesperson for abolishing male circumcision. He said that they want him to be part of that.
Artie said that his shrink is away for three weeks. Howard cut him off and said that the guy should have given him the name of another guy to talk to while he's away. Artie said the guy just told him to call him so he's done that a few times. Howard said that they always give another name. Artie said the guy told him to call.
Robin said this doesn't sound right to her. Howard said with someone like Artie they usually have another guy. Artie said he can't fuckin' win there. Artie said it sounds like they think he's bullshitting them. Robin asked him why they would think that.
Artie said that he's going to be on the Jimmy Kimmel show tonight. Howard said Jimmy was very complimentary about his Letterman appearance. Howard said he was going to show a picture of Jimmy on Letterman but they didn't think that Dave would want to show that.
Howard said that the singer Kenny Rankin died. He said that he knows the name but he's not sure what songs he did. Howard said he was reading about the guy and talked about some of the stuff that he had written. Howard said this guy was really well known but now he can't remember a song that he did. Robin said she knows the name too and she wasn't able to come up with any either.
Fred tried to find some of his stuff but he wasn't finding what he wanted. He said he covered ''Blackbird'' but he wasn't able to find that. Fred played ''Groovin'' instead. Scott the Engineer had suggested that. This was another cover that Rankin did.
Howard sang along to the song a little bit and goofed on Scott about how he's never had a groovin afternoon. Howard said that Scott was the one who said the song was really good.
Howard congratulated Kidd Chris about how he's about to become a father. Artie asked when he's going to be a DJ again. Howard said that's the problem. He said that Chris is podcasting from what he heard.
Vinnie said that Howard needs guys like him to make his show. He was telling Howard not to talk down to him. Vinnie said that he's not even driving a cab now but back in the K-Rock days he was stealing his lines. He said that if it wasn't for him then Vin the Retard would have never been on his show. He said that Vin was a no talent and he got him on the show. He said that he robbed his lines and he won't even give him a shot on the show.
Howard asked this guy what kind of lines he gave. Vinnie said that they were stupid lines and he didn't remember anything. He said that he's been through so much shit he can't remember anything.
Howard asked the guy to give him some of the lines or tell him what he's been through that's so bad. The guy said he couldn't go to see his own mother because they held him down. Howard asked who held him down. The guy was rambling a lot so Howard said he's coming close to getting an hour long show there.
Vinnie said that he should have his own show after all of the lines he had stolen from him. Howard told the guy to go get some help. Vinnie said he doesn't need any help.
Vinnie was wondering what took so long for him to get through to Howard. Howard told him that he's through to him now so he should make his point. He said his point was that they didn't let him get through to him. Howard said he's through now so he should say what he wants to say.
Vinnie said that he made Howard look good in the K-Rock days and he wants him to put him on the show so he can prove himself. Howard said he wants to hear some of his lines first. Vinnie said he knew this was going to come down to this. He knew that they were going to jerk him around after talking to their lawyers.
Howard asked Vinnie to give them some of his best lines. Vinnie said he didn't remember any of them. It was a long time ago.
Howard said this guy sounded like he might be a little dangerous. Vinnie said he could settle this diplomatically or keep yelling. Howard and the guys said they'd like him to keep yelling. Howard thanked Vinnie for calling in and let him go a short time later. Vinnie was still yelling as Howard hung up on him.
Howard came back and had Sour Shoes on the phone as Billy Joel. Sour performed some Billy Joel stuff for them and did some goofy DJ voices and then the Billy song. Howard asked Sour some questions as Billy and had him perform a couple of songs. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore after a minute or two.
Robin said they were all invited to Sour Shoes' house for a party at 8:30 in the morning. It's his birthday. Howard said the party was actually last Saturday. Robin said she missed it and thought it was this Saturday.
Howard said Jillian wasn't there yet and he's wondering why she wasn't in there. He said she's in the building but not in there yet.
A caller said you can see Megan Fox's weird thumbs in Transformers. He said they're not that bad. The caller also brought up Gary using the electric fence on his dog and it was a bit hypocritical of him. Howard said you can ruin a good dog using those things on a dog. He said that it is the same thing as hitting a dog in his opinion.
Robin agreed with Howard. She said there was someone on the Wrap Up Show saying that his dog freaks out at the sound of his watch beeping because of the electric fence thing.
Howard asked why she was 20 minutes late. Jillian talked about how she was up late and she woke up late. Then her driver took her to the wrong building. She said that they took her to 30 Rock instead.
Howard said he should have banged Jillian when he had the chance. He said that he's worried about her right now. He said that she's on this new TV show ''House Husbands of L.A.'' He said that he and Beth watched it last night. Howard said he likes Jillian a lot and she deserves her success. Howard told Jillian that the show is great but only because of her. He said that she and her husband are good on the show. He said that if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't like it.
Howard said Jillian's show is more like her husband's show but if she wasn't on, no one would watch. Howard said that her marriage is horrible. He said she's miserable and she hates being married. She said she doesn't though. Howard said she does and he can tell.
Howard asked Jillian how many times she's been married. She said it's two times now. Howard asked her about her career and how she got stared. She's been on her current show since she was 26 but she worked in Miami and Canada before that.
Howard asked Jillian when she got married. She said that was when she was 28. She kept the last name in that marriage. She had to pay the guy alimony. She had to pay him for 3 and a half years. She said that he was a major league baseball player. She said that she had to support him after the divorce because she was paying the day by day bills. She said that she just wanted out of the marriage and they made a deal. She didn't care, she just wanted out.
Howard asked Jillian if she signed a pre-nup with this new guy. She said she didn't. Jillian said she's a sucker for love. Howard asked if she's a millionaire. She said that she makes about a million a year so she's doing very well.
Howard said that Jillian is going to get out of this marriage because it's really not looking good on this show. Jillian admitted that they're going through a really rough time right now. Howard talked about the champagne scene in the TV show and how she seems to hate this guy. Jillian said she loves him. Howard said that the husband was going off on her for spending money on clothes and she's the one making the money. Howard said she doesn't even bring that up on the show.
Jillian said that she has told him that her friends spend money and their spouses don't care. Jillian said she wants the marriage to work. Howard said it's going to end in a divorce. Howard said when the fans watch they're going to see what he's talking about. Howard said this guy Grant is a good guy and all but Jillian isn't in love with him anymore.
Robin told Howard earlier that Jillian had told her not to get married. Robin said she never said that she wasn't in love with Grant though.
Howard asked Jillian what's bad about marriage. Jillian said she did the show but pushed Grant into doing it. She said that she thought she was going to be in the background, she didn't know that she was going to be a major player in it.
Howard said that the rest of the couples in that show were meaningless to him. He said that Jillian and her husband are the stars. Howard said Beth said she could watch them all day long.
Howard said Jillian is a hot girl and she had a great thing going. Howard said he thinks she resents having a child too. He said that he saw her running around on their counter top and that looked like she wanted something to go wrong. Jillian said that's just not true.
Howard said Jillian has this very sweet guy as a husband and they had a great time going. Then they had the kid. Now Jillian doesn't have time to do anything on her own. She has to be thrilled to be there alone today. Jillian said she does love being there in New York. Howard said he heard that she was complaining about her marriage all tonight. Jillian said that's not what she was doing. Robin said she doesn't even realize what she's doing. Robin said Jillian told her not to do this marriage thing to herself.
Jillian said that sometimes you want to kill the other person but it's an up and down thing. She said her husband has hang ups and so does she.
Howard asked Jillian why she didn't sign a pre-nup. She said that she thinks things should be easy. She didn't think it was necessary. Jillian said that she wants to go and sit at home and not go out. She said that she's a homebody and she wants to hang with her daughter. She said her husband likes to go out and ride his bike.
Howard asked Jillian if she's tanning. She said it was a spray tan. She doesn't do real tans. Howard said he really should have banged her. Jillian said that she knew that he was a good lover too and it was great when Angie Everhart came out and said he was the best lover. She said that was great.
Howard said that he and Beth don't have the same kind of pressure on them that Jillian and her husband do. They have to deal with the kid. Howard said he and Beth don't have any of that.
Jillian said that she has never had a man take care of her and she really doesn't care that she has to pay. She said she's been paying for herself all these years anyway.
Jillian talked about her sex life and said that's good with Grant. Howard said he thought that she had some major issues with sex. Jillian said that she did. She said that she had a girl shove rocks inside of her when she was young and that kind of screwed her up. She said that they were small pebbles and she was able to get through all of that and sex is wonderful now.
Jillian told Howard about her husband doing a rape fantasy with her one time and holding a gun to her head. This was when he was just a boyfriend. She said that he tied her up and held her down when he did that. Then he left the house and didn't come back. Howard asked if she knew he was coming that night. Jillian said that she did. She said that he came in and ripped her clothes off. She said that she was totally nude. Howard asked if she's still totally hairless down there. She said that she is. She had laser hair removal and it's all gone now. She said she's totally bald down there now. Nothing grows back.
Howard asked to check Jillian's vagina to make sure. Artie asked if he could check her tits too. Jillian said that she has a C-cup and they're all natural. She said that she's been told she has great natural boobs.
Howard asked about this rape fantasy thing. He asked if he tied her up. She said he pinned her down and he had a real gun with him. Howard asked if he put it to her head. She said that he did and it really turned her on. She said that they don't do anything like that now that they have the kid.
Howard asked Jillian about being friends with this Kara chick from American Idol. Howard said he didn't like her when she started but when she took her clothes off at the end of the season he liked that. Jillian talked about how great she thinks Kara is.
Howard heard that Jillian is also friends with Stuttering John. She said that she's actually very friendly with John's wife Suzanna. She said that she's one of the most wonderful people.
Howard asked Jillian about dating David Spade too. She said that he was great. She said that she wasn't into relationships that much at the time and she would just go out and make out with people instead of having sex. She said that she loved David as a friend first. She said that she also made out with Ryan Seacrest when he first moved out to L.A.
Howard asked Jillian how Ryan got in with her. She told Howard how she met him and explained why she just made out with him and why she banged Spade. She said that Spade was a friend of her's already so that's why that happened. She said that they only did that once or twice.
Jillian said that she once vomited on her husband's penis while she was giving him oral. She said that she was pregnant at the time. She also talked about giving Spade oral. Howard asked if he was big. She said that he was great in bed but she didn't remember it being that big.
Howard asked if the guys can hold out with her. She said that she's not really into that. She said that she doesn't care about that either. She said she's fine with it if they don't last long.
Howard said Jillian is fascinating. He gave her some more plugs for her show and asked why she's so obsessed with Fred. Fred said she must know he has a gun collection. Jillian said she likes his Kurt Waldheim Jr. impression.
Jillian claims that she's rally happy with her husband even though Robin didn't think she was. Howard said he thinks that she's not that into this guy.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she was thinking that her telling Robin not to get married is because she doesn't want her to be the breadwinner. Robin said that's basically what the conversation was. Howard had to hang up on Mariann. He said he couldn't take that yelling.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked her to ride the Sybian. Howard asked her when she's going to do that. Jillian got sidetracked and started talking about other shows she's done for Howard on his channels. Howard had to get her back on track and told her to keep her dress on and ride the Sybian. She said that she's afraid of germs. She said she can't get off on it anyway. Howard asked if he should hold a gun to her head. She said that might help.
Jillian wasn't going to ride it. Howard told her to sit on it turned off but she wouldn't even do that. Howard told the guys to forget it. He apologized to Jeff about that.
Howard asked if she said that she was going to ride it on her show. She said that she may have. She talked about this girl who makes the Frankie B jeans and how big of a fan she is of Howard's.
Ralph called in and said that the rape fantasy thing sounded wild. He also asked her if this house husband show sounds interesting and asked if he can learn how to be one by watching. Howard said Ralph really would like that. He said you have to be a really good looking guy to find a woman like that though.
Ralph said that chicks don't care that much about it and you can be a little ugly and still get chicks like that.
Howard said he seems to think that Jillian and Dorothy Lucy don't like each other. Howard said he gets the same feeling about Jillian and her husband. Jillian laughed but Howard said that's what he thinks is going on and she's in crisis mode right now.
A caller asked Jillian if she gives up the ass. She said she does. Howard asked her if she will do it like once a week. Jillian said that she would. Howard asked her how old she was when she tried it the first time. She said she was 17 with a boyfriend. She said she hated it the first time. Jillian said she got obsessed with porn back then and wanted to try it out. She said that she didn't try it again until she was 23.
Howard asked if she loves it so much now that she has to do it. She said that she likes it and her husband likes it so they will do that fairly often. Howard said he never thought of her being like that. Jillian even told Howard that she'll use spit as lube on there so Howard was surprised by that. He said she's wilder than he thought she was.
Jillian talked about doing girls too. She told Howard about doing this woman who became a model. She said that story was okay but she had a better story. She said that this other girl asked her about the other girl and she took her out a week later and seduced her like a guy would. She said that the girl pinned her against the wall and started kissing her. She said it was so hot. Jillian said they did everything. Howard asked if she thought she was gay. Jillian said that she always loved men and didn't think she was gay. She didn't do anything with girls until she made out with Jenna Jameson a few years ago.
Howard asked how often they have sex. Jillian said they do it a lot, even when they're in a bad mood. She said that she can have sex even when she's pissy. She said sometimes that makes it even better.
Howard said he and Beth never fight. Jillian said she had that kind of relationship and it didn't work for her. She said they never fought until she handed the guy divorce papers.
Howard gave Jillian some more plugs for her TV show that's starting August 15th. Jillian said she won't be doing another season because it was so exhausting for her. Howard told her that the rest of the couples were boring.
Howard said Jillian's make up girl was there. Artie said that this chick did his make up a few years ago and she's smokin' hot. Howard asked Jillian what else she's doing there. She said she's doing Sean Hannity's show.
Howard said this girl who was in was on Jillian's show. She's launching a skin care line. She also has a husband who doesn't work. She said that her husband made good money playing baseball professionally. She said that he's not working now but he did make good money before.
Artie said that this chick did his make up back when he was all coked up and 27 years old. He said he found out that the guy was on the Dodgers and he knew he couldn't pick that chick up.
A caller asked Jillian if she gets spanked in bed and if she does it for fun or foreplay. Howard said she seems to like doing that stuff. Jillian said she does like to be smacked and likes to have her hair pulled. She said that really turns her on. She likes to be choked too.
Howard told Jillian about David Carradine and how he was found in a negligee. She thought he was naked. Jillian said she knows his family and that's really upsetting.
Howard said that he and Jillian should have done it years go when he could have. Jillian said that Howard wouldn't want a woman like her. She's too vocal for him. Ralph was on the phone and agreed with her on that. He said that she's too chatty for Howard.
Howard said he likes the idea of a high powered woman like Jillian. Robin said that Howard always complains about Beth not being home. Howard said he likes ''the idea'' of it.
Howard said he likes that Jillian isn't wearing panties today. He also said her boobs were looking good today too. Jillian said that her ass is holding up pretty good too. She said that her boos are probably her best feature. Ralph said she's got good nipples too from what he's heard. Ralph said he had a lot of fun hanging out with Jillian that night they hung out.
Howard wrapped up, gave Jillian some more plugs, and said he's very proud of her. He said he loves her more than she'll ever know. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he loves that song. He said he was talking about it the other day. Fred said he was up there at SIRIUS and performed it there. Howard said he and Michael Penn actually email each other once in a while. Howard said he does movie soundtracks now and he makes good money doing that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve said they have a story about Gary's stent removal. Steve said he was there and Gary came out visibly shaken. He said that Gary looked as they were pulling the stent out of his penis. Howard said that this is a horrible story and it's very disturbing.
Robin asked Steve if he has any emotion when he's doing these stories. Steve said he does but he's not going to come in and be boring.
Steve said High Pitch Eric is $8,400 behind in his rent and he's going to be evicted as early as next Monday. He said Eric ran from him when he tried to get an interview with him at the court yesterday. Howard said the next person that lets him in is going to be screwed in about 18 months. Steve said that Shuli is opening for Jim Bruer this weekend at a couple of comedy gigs.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jillian's story about being raped would have been better if the guy had actually shot her. He said she was very annoying. Artie said she was interesting to him.
Another caller said he agreed with that guy and Jillian tries too hard in the interview and she might be trying to impress Howard. Howard said he thinks she was being truthful with those stories she told.
Howard had Mutt from Superfan Roundtable on the phone to give them a preview of that. Mutt said that they'll be talking about Robin's wrist furniture. They'll also make fun of Artie and his poetry. They'll have a bunch of other stuff as well.
Mutt asked Howard if he's happy with his Blackberry because he was on his Palm Pre and it was awesome. Howard said he has the worst service with his Blackberry and he can't make a phone call with it. He said he just can't connect anywhere. He can't stay on for more than a minute before it drops. Robin said she has had some problems with hers as well.
Howard said he loves his Blackberry but it's only good for everything except the phone part. Howard said that the Palm Pre was impressive looking but it didn't have any video capabilities. He said he can't even watch YouTube on it. Mutt said that's not true. He said that he can record and watch video on it and the keyboard is even a decent size. Mutt said the phone works great and he likes a lot of the features it has on it.
Howard said that they're coming out with a new Blackberry on Verizon but it doesn't have any Wi-Fi on it. Artie said that the Verizon service is so much better. He said he heard about the new phone and wondered why they didn't have the Wi-Fi on it. Fred said he's heard good things about Verizon too.
Howard and the guys talked about their various phones for a few minutes. Howard said that they could spend all day on that. Howard said he might have to call into the Superfan Roundtable to keep the discussion going. Howard asked if the fans on SternFanNework liked the Jillian Barberie interview. Mutt said he hadn't been on there today so he wasn't sure. Fred said they should really call it the SternHateNetwork the way they bash the show there.
Howard said he hates shaking hands and he's not sure why Ben Stiller would shake people's hands. He said that he's probably worried about germs. He said it wouldn't be anti-people or anti-Mexico if he puts gel on his hands.
Artie said he's scared of going down to Mexico too. Robin told him to go to some other Caribbean place or something instead. Artie said he might do that.
Robin read about Michael Jackson having an all kids chorus come out with him when he was performing in London. Howard said he likes kids. Robin read the story and said that he's looking for certain ages and a mixed group of different races. Howard said that you'd think the guy would want to avoid doing stuff like that after being accused of the things he's been accused of.
Robin read a story about a porn star who was found to be HIV positive. Robin read that there were rumors of this floating around and now her partners are being tested and not allowed to film at this time.
Howard said he's seen a lot of porn lately and no one is wearing a condom. Robin said they apparently haven't been checking lately in California. That led to Howard playing a clip from a porno where a guy was making some very odd noises during sex. They had some audio of a chick screaming too that was kind of odd.
Robin said that she used to love the Kung Fu TV show and you believed that David Carradine was that character. Howard said he always thought he was nuts. The guys spent some time talking about him and reading news stories about the stuff he was into. Robin said that one of his wives talked about how he used to like coming close to drowning in their pool and he'd ride horseback naked.
Artie said he was on the Norm Show with Max Wright and he was a brilliant guy. The day before he did the Stern Show for the first time he saw a picture of him in the paper smoking crack with some guy.
Robin read a story about the sex shop that Carradine was a regular customer at. Robin said that the family is still trying to find out if this was a crime or an accident. Howard said he would advise kids not to do this autoasphyxiation thing. He said that it could end up being bad.
Artie said he went to this sex shop they're talking about in this story. He said that this chick he was going out with asked him to put on a strap-on with a cock ring on it to bang her with. Artie said he wouldn't do it. He said he was all coked up at the time though.
Artie said that he was out once and this guy recognized him. He said that the guy asked him and his girl to fly to Cabo San Lucas. He said that this was all about blow. He said that it was him, another guy and another chick. He said they were on a private jet doing blow the whole time. they got to this really nice house but the other people disappeared. Artie said he was all paranoid on the blow so he thought that the other guy was going to kill them. Artie said he went to the airport and flew home because he was so paranoid. He was only down there for 6 hours total.
Robin read a story about David Letterman apologizing to Sarah Palin for the comment he made about her 14 year old daughter. Robin had some audio of the joke and of his apology. Dave had to explain it wasn't about her 14 year old, he was joking about the daughter who was 18.
Robin read that Carrie Prejean has been let go as Miss California. Donald Trump had to fire her because she wasn't sticking to her contract. Robin had some audio of her talking about how they fired her but it's not true what they're saying about her. Robin said Carrie claims that she was offered to do Playboy and she didn't want to do that. Robin had some audio of the runner up for Miss California talking about taking Carrie's place. Robin said they don't even know who won the Miss USA pageant but they know the name of Miss California.
Robin read a story about a study being done to find out if green tea can help stop cervical cancer. Howard said it would be great if the cure was something really simple. Howard said it would be great if it was swallowing a load from a man. Howard said it would suck if that was the way a guy had to cure his cancer though.
Robin read a story about a man who was arrested on rape charges for hiring someone to rape his wife on Craigslist. The woman was trying to set the guy up and now they're trying to find this guy who did the rape.
Robin read about Madonna's right to adopt a Malawian child. Howard said that's terrific. He said he likes to hear that. She spent a few minutes talking about the history of that case.
Robin read about the Digital TV changes that are happening this week. Robin said that the DTV switch is going to be happening and she's not sure if that's going to change what they're watching. Howard said he doesn't think so.
Robin read some news about the NBA finals and talked about the good games that have been played lately. Artie said he hopes the Knick's get Lebron James so they'll have a good team. Howard said he likes getting tickets easy so he hopes they don't get Lebron.
Artie said Jon Stewart gave him tickets to a Knicks game one time and he saw Jay-Z talking to Lebron through the whole game. He said he was incredible. The guys spent a few minutes talking about basketball.
Robin said that Ed McMahon is facing eviction again. Robin said his home is being auctioned off in late June if he doesn't come up with some money. Howard said they should bring Ed back to the Jay Leno show. Howard said they could have him host the next Craptacular too. Robin said that Ed is 86 years old and he has defaulted on his mortgage.
Robin read about one of Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriends who is getting married later this year. Robin said Eddie Murphy's new movie is out too. She had some audio of Eddie talking about that. Howard asked what's wrong with him. He said he used to be so cool. Howard said he became this quiet, soft spoken man and he's not the same guy. Howard said Merryl Streep is more fun than Eddie is now.
Artie said Eddie used to be one of the funniest, edgiest comedians out there. Howard played another clip of Eddie and goofed on the way he kept saying ''Uhhh'' and his low talking. Robin had a bunch of clips that she had Howard playing. Howard continued to make fun of the ''Uhhh'' thing for a while. Artie said that he must not care about anything anymore. They ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said that he is mentally traumatized after seeing what came out of him. He said this was bad. He said the pain was really awful last night.
Jon asked if Steve made things easier or tougher. Gary said it was actually made easier. He said that Steve kept his mind off of things for a while. He said that Steve is a good guy.
Jillian Barberie came in singing about Steve Langford having a big penis. Gary told her that her cans were looking amazing today. Jillian thanked him for that. She said it was very nice hearing them referred to as ''cans.''
Jon said that Jillian is at another level over the other celebrity fans. Gary said that some days he hears her talking about Howard so much that he wonders if the producers are going to ask her to cut back. Jillian said she started listening 15 years ago and she thinks that they're done trying to reign her in. She said they've never asked him not to talk about him. She said they know that would make her obsessed to talk about him if they asked her to stop.
Jillian said that there are some networks that don't want her talking about Howard and others who don't care so much. She said that some of the networks are really uptight and didn't even want her dressing sexy on the show in the morning.
Gary said that Jillian is really one of their biggest superfans. Jillian said that she wanted to be part of the Superfan Trivia Game. She said that she could have beaten everyone but Jimmy. She said she wasn't sure she could beat him.
Jon asked Jillian how her co-hosts deal with her. She said that Steve deals with it fine. She said that he used to fight it but not so much anymore.
Jillian showed up late today and she didn't even know what time she was supposed to be there. Gary said that if she had showed up much later they would have had to have sent her home. He said they had to do that with Scott Weiland once when he showed up after 9.
Jillian talked about her fighting with her husband on her TV show and said that she actually adores him. Jon asked her about the Sybian ride thing. Jillian asked if they asked Denise Richards to ride it. Gary said they didn't but there were some people who were upset they didn't ask.
Gary said that Carmen Electra got into trouble for riding it. Jillian said she'd get in trouble too. She said that FOX would have been very upset with her. She said she's been on her show for 15 years and that's her bread and butter so she can't lose that.
Gary asked Jillian if she and Dorothy Lucy are at a point where they can go out in public and said they're not fans with each other. Jillian said they are. She said that Dorothy was going off on her on the show the other day and she shot right back at her. She said she felt like she was attacking her on the show.
Jon asked Jillian how bad it's gotten on that show. Jillian said that Dorothy was on the show before her and she had just started there. She said that she was new and fun for her and they used to get faxes back then. She said Dorothy got all of the faxes and she refused to look at her when she asked to see it. She said that it was actually a positive fax. Dorothy wouldn't acknowledge her at all. Jillian said that the people she used to work with were so much nicer than this woman was.
A caller asked the guys if they see how much Howard likes all of these Canadian girls. Jillian said that the Canadian girls don't care so much how they come across and Howard likes that. The caller told her she has a good sense of humor.
Jon said he thought her gun rape story was a good one. Jillian said that she and Will talked about a lot of things that she could talk about on the show. She said she had some stories about guys who have hit on her and stuff and she didn't think that story was going to turn into what it did.
Benjy asked Jillian if she would have a problem with her daughter doing the kind of stuff she has done. Jillian said she'd be a hypocrite if she did. She said she just wants her daughter to be happy. Jon congratulated Jillian for stepping into her first ''Benjy vortex.''
Jon asked Jillian about the dinner she had with Ralph and Robin. Jillian said that she was kind of blind sided by Robin's comments about her complaining about her marriage. She said she didn't think she was complaining about it at all. Jillian said that she was just giving Robin some advice on marriage.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jillian has a great personality and she could relate to a guy. She said she grew up with a lot of guys. She said she does get along with them very well. Jillian said that Howard could never date her. Gary said that she would tire him out. Jillian said that she's really a boring person and she's a home body. She said she doesn't go out a lot but she will go out once in a while. She said she wants to go out and do those things but she's all talk and no action.
Jillian said that she thinks she'd build up too much around the whole Howard thing so she's kind of glad that never happened. She said that she may have done something with him back when she could have. Jillian said that she was dating guys around 34 and they'd ask her if she wanted to have kids and that was a deal breaker for her. She said that she eventually changed when she met her husband at 38.
A caller told Jillian that Howard wouldn't be able to handle her. He said he pictures Howard as being rally girly. He said Howard hates kids too and wouldn't be able to handle that.
The caller also asked what hockey team she likes. She said it's probably the Maple Leafs. She said that she knows that's kind of cliché but that's who she grew up watching.
Jon asked Jillian who she was looking forward to seeing most today. Jillian said she wanted to see them all. She said that she didn't think Artie was going to like her or even know who she was. She said that Artie is actually a sweetheart.
Jillian said she went back and met Sal and Richard. She said she loves their phone calls and stuff but she loves this one call where this woman has an ad and Richard does the double voice thing. She said Richard showed her how he does those calls and it was great.
Jillian said that she saw JD too and it was very anti-climactic for her. She said she loves when JD comes into the studio and they play the dance music for him.
Jon asked her which of the Wack Pack she likes. Jillian said she hates Eric the Midget. She said she can't stand him. She loves Beetlejuice, Crazy Alice and Jeff the Drunk. She said Eric is the only one she can think of that she doesn't like. She said that she spoke to Dennis Hof about him for about 20 minutes one day though.
Jillian said she loves Lisa G and she'd like to hook her up with a guy. Jillian said that she's so sweet and she thought that ''cookie party'' was code for sex toy party or something.
Another caller asked Jillian if she's heard the Mark Kriski stuff that's going on. Jillian said she did hear about that. She told Mark he's an idiot for talking about that stuff. Jillian said that he works for a company that owns radio stations and they want Howard not to be successful because they're scared. Jillian said that the guy doesn't even listen. She said the show has gotten better since they moved and they have more time to do interviews.
Another caller told Jillian how big of a fan of her's he was. He asked about Dorothy and if she's ever gotten into her face about the stuff they talk about. Jillian said that they don't talk off the air. She said that she and Steve get along now but even Steve didn't like it in the beginning. Jillian said that she and Dorothy would never hang out together. She said they're very different. Gary said Jillian wouldn't even hang out with her if she had a gun to her head.
Jillian talked about going to dinner with Ralph and John Stamos out in L.A. one time. She also said that Stuttering John's wife warned her that Ralph might talk shit about her even if he claimed that he had a good time at dinner.
Ralph called in and asked when Suzanna warned her about him. She said it was a couple of months ago. Ralph said he's told this story before. He said that he went to dinner with John and Suzanna one time out in L.A. and he kept telling him not to tell Howard about this stuff. Ralph said that he doesn't do that and the stuff John was talking about was so unimportant.
Ralph said they were eating and John was nervous the whole time. He got back and saw Howard on the Monday after. He said that Howard heard he was out in L.A. and heard about all of the stuff he did wrong. It turns out John turned him into Howard and did just what he was asking him not to do. Ralph said Suzanna's head must be filled with the stuff John tells her.
Jillian said that Suzanna is the sweetest person. Ralph agreed but said that something must be wrong with her if she's with John.
Jillian said that John was out with her one night and he was burping and drank about 11 beers. She said that he didn't try to hold in the burps at all. She said they were so real and he didn't try to stop them at all. Gary said he tells his kids that they shouldn't burp at the table and even they know better. Gary said John is like 44 and doesn't know better.
Ralph and Jillian talked about Robin going out with them one night and partying and then going on the show the next morning saying she didn't have that much fun. Ralph and Jillian said that Robin was dancing at a club and she was in the window of the club doing that. Jillian said she has photographic proof of that too.
Ralph said that he's pretty sure that even if they gagged Jillian she could talk through the ball. Jillian said she would bite right through it. Ralph was making fun of how much she was talking. She didn't seem to mind it though.
Jillian said it was great to meet Steve Langford today. She liked meeting Benjy, Jason, Tim Sabean and everyone else. They spent a short time talking about some of the other stuff going on and spoke to Tim Sabean a little bit before going to break.
Gary said that they all get along pretty well. Sal said that people think he and Artie don't like each other but they get along really well.
Jon asked if Jillian talks to anyone on the set during breaks. She said that she and Steve talk abut Dorothy leaves and works on her computer.
Gary asked Jillian how she gets the weather. She said that she's not a meteorologist but she does have a journalism degree. She said that anyone can do the weather, even Sal could do it.
Gary said that Howard was going off on that Mark Kriski guy and said that he was a buffoon type of weatherman. Jillian said that Howard once talked about how he likes to hear about the other stuff going on behind the scenes. Jillian said that's what she likes and she doesn't need all of that bullshit that goes on with guys like that. She said that's why she likes Howard so much.
Jon asked Jillian if she ever cringes when she hears Sal on the show doing his thing. Jillian said she loves Sal's honesty and thinks it's great that he puts it all out there. Sal said he might put too much of it out there. He's in therapy now.
Gary said that Sal has been avoiding the air and the office lately. Sal said he's just working on things in his office. Gary said that they've got some kind of beef or something is going on. Sal said that the show has seemed kind of congested lately and Howard's head is all over the place. He said he doesn't want to be the guy that causes an explosion on the air. Gary asked him how he came to that after 3 and a half years. He said that's just how long it took.
Gary said that Sal and Richard don't even come out of their office now. Sal said they've been making a lot of prank calls and doing some Homeless game stuff too so they're just staying busy back there. He said they're not hiding though. Sal said that they are avoiding Will and the office area. He said that's mainly Richard's issues though.
Sal said that he's still going in and giving some jokes to Will to pass on to Howard. He said Richard isn't doing that though. The guys said that Richard has shaved his head and Gary said he looks like Lex Luthor. Gary wondered why Richard decided to stay in the back. Sal said that Will rubbed him the wrong way when he told him to get the fuck out of there recently.
A caller said he was glad Jillian didn't get on the Sybian. He said she's better than that. The guy said that he would rape her with a gun to her head if she asked him to though. Gary said he doesn't think that his wife would be up for anything like that. Jillian said that her husband is a Marine sniper so she was never worried about that.
Richard came in so Jon interrupted. Jillian said she loves Richard's voice and could listen to it all day. She said that she loves that Ethel voice he does. She said she loves that. Jillian talked about some of the calls they've made that she loves. She said she loves Sal and Richard and said they're comedy gold.
Richard said that he and his buddy in junior high used to do those kind of calls. He said that they'd prank call people and just ask them how they were doing. Jillian said she loves that call and so many of their others.
Jillian said that it seems like Sal and Richard are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they don't come out they get crap and if they do come out of their office they tell them to go back in there.
Jon asked Richard about the Will thing. Richard said that he and Will got into it over some show stuff and he got angry about it. He felt weird going in and putting stuff up so he had Sal do it instead. Gary said that they had a way of doing things. He said that it seemed like Richard and Sal would get insulted if he asked them to hold off on stuff that they wanted to play for him but now they have that all worked out.
A caller asked Jillian about something she was wearing the other day. He asked her to wear it again next week and keep the hair out of her cleavage. Jillian said that it was very boobie and she actually covered up her boobs with her hair so she wouldn't upset people at home. Jillian said that she has to buy her own clothes so she can wear whatever she wants on tat show. She said that she will wear that dress again.
Jon asked Jillian about Ronnie the Limo Driver. She said she loves him when he's angry or happy. Today she got the happy Ronnie. Gary said that's because of the dress she was wearing today.
The guys talked about how Ronnie freaked out on the virgin chick. They spent a minute on that. Jillian also said hello to Lisa G who was sitting in.
Jillian talked about Eric the Midget and how she hates him. She said that Jimmy Kimmel made a good point about him being so boring but Howard engages him. Gary said that Eric is ungrateful from the get go when he gets on the phone too. He said he likes when Howard picks up and Eric goes off on him immediately about spending too much time with some shitty guest.
Jillian said that Eric is boring and angry and it's terrible radio. She said that she knows that he will bore her to death. Gary said Howard likes him because he's boring and ungrateful. He said that every word he says is gold to Howard.
Jon took a call from a guy who said today's appearance was great today. He asked Sal what he thinks about Jillian today. Sal said that she has a lot of energy and she does talk a lot but she's a woman and that comes with the territory. Gary said Sal isn't trashing her because she likes him. Sal is just returning the kindness. Sal said he wouldn't trash her either way. The caller said that he can deal with Jillian once in a while.
Gary asked Jillian if she was ever involved with OJ. Jillian said that was Paula Barbierie. She said she has gotten that from people over the years though.
Sal asked if she's ever been with an African American before. She said she's had both. The guys wondered where Sal came up with African American since he usually uses other words. They figured it was because he's in therapy. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 12:25pm.