Howard started the show off by talking about the show ''Rock the Cradle'' and how he's been watching that religiously lately. He said that he though the show was great but it's not getting very good ratings from what he's heard. He said that they're now down to doing double elimination rounds with the kids on the show.
Howard said that they've got some nice kids on the show but he said that Bobby Brown doesn't seem to be all that supporting of his kids. He said that Bobby was telling his kid not to do his song ''My Prerogative'' because that was his song even though the people on the show told the kid to perform that song.
Howard said that Kenny Loggins kid, Crosby, looks kind of like Kenny and he acts a lot like his father. He said that he's very similar in all of that but he doesn't really sing like Kenny. He said that he's got the guitar and kind of sounds like him when he talks but he's not all that great. He said they all want to be like their dads but they're never going to be like them.
Howard said that this Crosby is putting down Dee Snider's kid. Gary said that he really isn't charismatic too. He came in and talked about the kids on the show and how odd some of them act. Howard said that he's kind of biased toward Jesse Snider because he knows the kid and saw him grow up. He also talked about how his mother is a little overbearing and pushes him to do some stuff that he doesn't want to.
Gary told Robin to watch an episode of the show and he's pretty sure that she won't get into it nearly as much as Howard has. Artie said that he can't even find the show on TV because there are so many shows like that out there.
Howard said he tried to watch the Tila Tequila show but it was unwatchable. He said that she's kind of hot but the other chicks on the show aren't.
Artie said that he did a benefit show for Beetlejuice recently because he and his organization apparently need money. Howard said he had no idea he was doing that. Artie did tell him about it but he's apparently forgotten about it.
Howard said that this Miley Cyrus posed for some pictures for Annie and they're kind of disturbing because they make her look like she's her father's girlfriend. He said that Annie apparently took a picture of her with her clothes off and now Disney is upset about that. Miley is so popular that she may be worth a billion dollars by the time she turns 18 years old. He said that her show, Hannah Montana, is the second highest rated next to American Idol and he had no idea that was going on.
Howard said that everyone is in a panic over these nude pictures and Miley is apologizing for what she did and saying that they're coming across as too sexual. Howard said that they're saying that everyone knew about what was going on and her parents let her go through with the pictures.
Howard said that he read an article in the paper about a woman who was found after she went missing in 1984. The father apparently kept her in a basement and got her pregnant and made her give birth to 7 kids. He read through the details of that story and spent a minute on that.
Howard read an article about American Idol losing ratings and how they're trying to find out why the fans aren't tuning in now. Howard said he thinks he knows why they're losing the ratings. He said that too much of a good thing sucks. It's the same thing that happened to ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'' He said that they've taken this American Idol and dragged it out too much and that's why people are getting sick of it.
Howard said that he had a clip of a show where some guys accuse Howard Stern of making them lose the ratings. He played that clip where the two ''retards'', as Howard described them, put the blame on him. The female host said that Howard had ruined the show for her when the whole Sanjaya thing was going on last year. The male host said the same thing and thought that Howard and the others who were doing the Sanjaya thing were the people who ruined it for them.
Howard said that Ryan Seacrest is also getting to be a drag on that show and people are fast forwarding through a lot of the show. He suggested that they can't invest an entire week into it like they're doing now. Howard took credit for inventing that show because he used to do a similar thing with bands back when he was first starting out. He said that he's giving them this suggestion for free and hoping they take it and listen to him since they've already ripped him off.
Artie said that he doesn't know any of the names of the people on the show. He doesn't watch and he doesn't read anything about them in the news.
Robin said that she hates some of the stuff they do on that show and there are a lot of stupid things they do there. Howard said that they ruined that ''Millionaire'' show with Regis Philbin because they put it on too many nights. He said that the people who are programming TV in America aren't all that bright. Some of them get this ''genius'' title next to their names but the ratings eventually go down and they can't get the ratings to come back.
Howard said that any asshole could program a TV station. He asked who the biggest asshole is there with them. Robin suggested that Sal is. Howard said that he could give Sal a job as a TV programmer and he could do just as well as anyone else out there.
Artie said that the promos that SIRIUS ran for the replays of that show were really classless and outrageous. Howard said that they went from being protective to being exploiting the show. Howard said that he had some notes about the most popular shows on Howard TV right now and that one was the one where the staff dances.
The caller said that the Howard TV is only $10.99 a month (in some markets it may be more) and if you don't like it, they should offer to give people their money back.
The caller also brought up a picture of Gary that was in a local Philly paper that was really bad. He said that he should find another publicist if that's what they're going to get published.
Howard took some more phone calls and let some people through to talk about some of the stuff that's been going on. One guy brought up the Doug Goodstein and Mike Gange thing that happened last week. Howard said he got a lot of mail about that.
Howard started to read through some e-mail about Benjy's contact lens thing that went on last week. Howard said that Benjy must really need attention and he figures that he didn't get any attention from his father. Benjy said that he has a great relationship with his father and with his mother. Howard didn't believe it. He and Benjy went back and forth about the contact lens thing. Benjy was saying he wasn't doing that for attention but Howard insisted that he was.
The caller on the line said that Benjy has no charisma. Fred said that he does have it but he always does stuff to take that away from himself. Howard said that he likes Benjy but Robin didn't believe that. Robin said that there is no evidence that Howard likes him at all. She said that he'll put up with a lot from people that are in the studio.
Howard said that he really thinks that he likes Benjy but he's not even sure of that now. He said he doesn't like to be around him. Then he said that he really doesn't like to be around anyone so it wasn't just Benjy. Howard said that he would hang out with Benjy before he'd hang out with Sal.
Howard said that they talked about these Howard TV commercials that Mike Gange and Doug Goodstein are voicing. He read one e-mail about them and it was the one positive one he got about it. There was nothing positive in the e-mail though. He went on to read some other mail about that and some fans were telling him to shut up and let it go already. The fans were saying that they do know those guys and he should just shut up about it and let them continue to do them.
Howard said that he has to retire in 2 and a half years because he doesn't want to become more of a crotchety old man than he is already. The fans are already complaining about him being crabby so he wants to stop that before it gets worse.
Gary came in and told Howard that Mike Gange was saying on the Wrap Up Show last week that they're not going to change anything about those commercials. Howard said that Mike has a voice that is just not good for radio. He played the clip of Mike talking about not changing anything. He goofed on Mike a little bit and then talked about Doug Goodstein who he thinks has an annoying delivery with his commercials.
Howard said that he loves Doug Goodstein like a brother but he doesn't want him to do those commercials. He said that he doesn't move his lip and he thinks that it's because of the moustache he has. Doug said that Howard is crazy and his comments are retarded.
Howard said he's not sure what's going on with the moustache but Doug told him that it's a goatee, not a moustache. Howard said that Mike's delivery is awful too and he's got to stop doing those commercials.
Howard said that he hates that Mike and Doug were putting their names in those commercials they were doing. Doug said that they were just programming notes. He said that they wanted to identify themselves because they're obviously not announcers. Mike said that they're going to get some other people involved and see if they can get some people to change it up a little bit. Mike told Robin that he's going to call her at 3 in the afternoon and ask her to do some.
Howard read through some more mail about the commercials and the fans were saying that they do know who Mike is, and some know who Doug is. Howard said he's going to shut his mouth now and let them do their thing then.
Artie wrote something for Mike to read and had him read a plug for an appearance he's making next week. Mike read it but put in his name again. Artie said that he didn't write that part, Mike just put it in himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jason has the worst voice for radio and he's got no business being on the air. Howard said that he's not doing the promos though. The caller said that his voice goes through him like a nail. Artie said that he loves Fred's impression of Jason. Fred did a little bit of that and had Artie cracking up.
Howard read the news about Ken dying and some of the comments that his mother was making. She was accusing the jail of not caring for her son in a timely fashion. They talked about Ken for a short time and how sad it was that he was gone. He was suffering from Cystic Fibrosis and that may have contributed to his pneumonia complications.
Robin explained what the Cystic Fibrosis was since Howard wasn't familiar with it. Artie said that the worst part about being in jail is that the guards really don't give a crap what kind of shape you're in.
Howard read some mail that he got about Kenneth Keith. There were some people who thought that it was good that he was gone now. There were others who thought that Fred playing crying sounds over Steve Langford when he was reading the story was kind of a douche bag move.
Howard suggested that Artie go out to lunch with this guy but Artie said that he would rather quit. He said that he was gone again if he had to go to lunch with him. Artie went on to say that he was treated very well by the people there. He said he's going to try and not let it happen again though.
The caller said that it's funny how Teddy won't do his plugs anymore on the Wrap Up Show. Artie said that under the circumstances he can't blame the guy for not doing them. He laughed and seemed to find it kind of funny.
Artie said that he and Teddy are talking again but he promised not to talk about what they've been talking about. Then he said that he gave Teddy some severance pay because he felt bad for him. He still wants him to do a blog for him over at his web site. He said that they may still work together.
The caller asked Howard if he had any money to give away. Howard said he didn't have any and hung up on the guy but then Gary came in and said that they do have money to give away. Howard was goofing on Gary for not letting him know that he had money to give away. That led to Fred playing a Baba Booey song parody. Robin did her impression of Gary and goofed on him a little bit so Gary told her to shut up. He said that if he put up a sign about the money every day, it would just get buried.
Howard ended up talking about Hillary Clinton and the way she seems to be going for broke with her ads against Obama. He did his impression of what her commercials will probably sound like with the negative stuff about Obama.
Howard said that he wishes that his parents would have pushed him into a TV show when he was a kid. He would have loved to have been worth a billion dollars by the time he was 18. He said he could have bought a radio station of his own if he was worth that kind of money back then.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that there's one picture of Miley Cyrus showing her bra out on the web. Howard said that she's only 15 years old and he can't imagine who would want their kids doing things like that. The woman said that she may end up losing her Disney sponsorship if she keeps that up. Howard said he doesn't believe that will happen. Howard said that the kid will have a nervous breakdown if that kind of thing ruins her career.
The woman on the phone asked Howard to get Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton on the show and do a debate there. Howard told her that he'd have Gary set that up as if it were that simple. He led her along to think that they'd be able to do that no problem. Then he told Gary to have Anna Nicole Smith dug up and get her reanimated too. Howard told Gary to get Albert Einstein dug up so they can sit him in the studio while the debate goes on. He said he wasn't going to stop there and wanted Gary to get Vice President Dick Cheney in there to get a chocolate bandit mask put on his face by Sal's balls.
The woman said she thinks that they really should try and get them in there. Howard said that they should get the Sybian ready to go just in case Hillary wants to ride that. Artie asked the woman to take her medication because he figures that she must be on meds.
Howard said that this is the woman who used to be a hooker that liked Benjy. He asked the two of them about what went on. Benjy said that she was willing to come back to his apartment but she said that wasn't true.
Benjy said that he was being very nice to her. He said that she was very willing to come home with him but she denied that. Benjy wanted her to come into the studio but she didn't want to come in. The woman, Daphne, said that she couldn't believe that he was talking about this. Benjy said that he wasn't attracted to her but some guys would find her attractive. Benjy said that he doesn't find her particularly attractive.
Benjy said that he didn't invite her to his apartment but she was willing to go. He told her to come into the studio but she had no desire to do that. She said that Benjy was classless in many ways. She said that she wanted to find out more about Benjy because he is kind of a curious kind of guy. Howard told her that she's probably better off without him. She said that she loves him on the show but she's not into him that much.
Howard asked Daphne how much she used to get for sex when she was charging people. She said that she didn't want to say when he asked the question the way he did. Howard asked her how much she charges for her time. She said that it's $400 an hour right now. Artie laughed at that.
Benjy said he thinks that Daphne could be really attractive if she lost about 20 pounds. She said that she thinks that she needs to lose between 10 and 20. They went back and forth for a couple of minutes before Howard said he had to get out of that conversation. He let Daphne go a short time later and then went to commercial break.
Colin was having problems hearing Howard so he said that his phone was awful. It was his cell phone. He said that he wanted to make sure that he had a commitment from Eric the Midget to do this Taxi Driver remake. Howard said that Eric did call in last week and he does want to do the movie.
Colin said that he'll have a script for the movie done by the end of next week. Howard asked if Colin is going to be able to put Eric in the movie even though he's in the wheelchair. Howard told Colin that they're in and he's got to direct it too. He told Colin to get off the awful phone and get back to work.
Howard thinks that Eric could be great in the part if he takes direction from Colin. He said that if he becomes a belligerent little fuck, it's not going to work. Howard said the good thing is that Colin's life has meaning again.
Howard had Eric on the phone so he gave him the good news. He told him that they'll get him the script as soon as Colin has it done. Eric asked if he has his contact information. Artie said that he's just going to go to California and yell out ''Hey jerk off!''
Howard said that if Eric can't take direction and doesn't listen to Colin's suggestions, this isn't going to work. He said that Eric might need that moustache and goatee in the movie. Eric wasn't sure if he was going to shave it off or not.
Artie told Eric to do some lines from the movie but Eric said he wanted to do something else. Eric did one of the lines but he said that wasn't his read for the movie. He was just telling Artie that he wanted to do ''Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?'' He read the line as if he were acting out the scene and Howard liked it. Robin didn't like the way he did it. She did it herself and told Eric that's the way he should have done it.
Robin said that he has to be able to take direction. Eric said that he can take direction. Howard asked him to do it a little different. Eric tried it again but Fred didn't think that he was ready to go. Fred asked Eric what he's going to do to prepare for this role. Eric wasn't sure. Fred told him that Robert De Niro drove a cab and studied mental illness for a long time before he played the part.
Howard told Eric to prove everyone wrong and show everyone that he can do this. Eric said that he can do it and he has no problem taking direction from Colin. He said that if he has to, he'll even change his physical appearance. He said that he might even do the mohawk look but he said he would do it with a skull cap. Howard said that might be kind of funny but the other guys thought that he was going to ruin it by not getting a real mohawk.
Howard said he thinks that Eric is going to surprise some of them with his acting abilities. Robin said that she's looking forward to being disappointed. Howard told Eric that they're working on the movie and this was a good thing for him. He said that it's not going to be easy.
Fred asked Eric if he knows about being lonely like the character has to know. Eric didn't really have an answer for him. Howard went through the part and talked to him about what the character is like. Robin told Eric he's going to have to draw on his experiences with loneliness to play this part.
Howard read some lines from the movie and said he can't wait for Eric to do some of those lines. He said he's going to send him some of the lines to rehearse and they read on the air.
Artie said that they have to get some hot chick in the movie for Eric. Howard asked him if he would rather work with Diana Degarmo or Katherine McPhee. Eric said that he would rather work with Diana over Katherine. Howard told Gary to call Diana, after he calls Hillary and Obama, and get her on the show.
Artie said that he thinks that Colin should be in the movie with Eric. Howard told Eric to go study his lines and then let him go. Howard said that he read that De Niro used a skull cap in that movie so Eric might be able to get away with it.
Howard said that he hadn't read the comic book in years so he didn't remember all of the details of the character. He said that the old Iron Man comics made him look like the Tin Man from the Wizard Of Oz but they eventually made him look cooler.
Howard said that the new movie looks like it was done seriously but there is something that's burning him up. He said he'd dying to see the movie but Beth is going to see it tonight, without him. He said that he's the one who should be going to see it and it's ridiculous that she's going without him. He said that she even said that she probably won't like the movie. He can't go because it's too late for him.
Howard heard that Steve the Intern had seen the movie and he wondered why he didn't have a screener for himself. Gary said that they're keeping the movie under wraps and they're not sending out screeners. He said that Tracy was supposed to be working on a screening for him too but he's not sure what went on there.
Steve the Intern came in and said that he did get to see the movie. Howard seemed to be upset with that and said that he should see it before anyone else there. He asked Steve what he thought of the movie. Steve said that Downey is great in the part and the movie was incredible. He said that Downey was great and there were no boring parts in the movie at all. He said that the movie was awesome.
Steve said that there was a lot of terrorists and war mongering going on in the movie and that's who the villains were in the movie. He didn't name anyone specifically.
Steve said that he was going to a concert on Friday and he heard about this screening that was going on so he managed to sneak into that. He said that everyone should go out and see it because it was so good. Howard demanded that he take a cock to the face for seeing the movie before him. He said that kid is enjoying his life. He said that his interns get to see all kinds of great stuff there. Howard said his interns are partying like rock stars there.
Ralph called in and told Howard that he can't believe that Gwyneth Paltrow is in the Iron Man movie. That led to Howard and Ralph talking about some stuff they were watching over the weekend. They were watching Spider-Man cartoons and stuff like that. Howard said that he knew there was something wrong with that but Ralph liked that he still enjoys cartoons.
Howard said that Ralph was over to help him look for a suit for his wedding. He said he's kind of excited about getting married to Beth but not so much the wedding. He said that he doesn't think that things are really going to change for them but it will be nice to be married.
Howard predicts that Robin will get married to Jim Florentine in the next year. Robin told him he was nuts and made it sound like that would never happen. Howard asked her where she was this weekend. She said that she was at her house. She denied being at his show this weekend but then said that she was at his show on Thursday night.
Howard heard that Jim and Robin were at a table with Tabitha Stevens for 3 hours. Robin said that she just happened to be in town and they went out for drinks. Howard said Robin is doing shit that she never used to do. She's going to comedy shows and hanging out with porn stars. Howard said that he thinks that Robin would marry Jim if he asked her. Robin said that the answer would be no.
Howard asked if Jim has a special name for Robin. She said that he doesn't as far as she knows. She said that she calls him Jim and he calls her Robin.
Howard asked Robin if she's in love with Jim. She wasn't answering that. She said that she does care about him but she wasn't going to answer his questions anymore. She goofed on him for having watched cartoons on Saturday morning. That all led to the guys goofing on Robin doing their Ham Hands Bill parody thing. Fred also played the call that Bill made to a flower shop where he asked them to write a note to Robin with some flowers.
A caller said that the more something is true, the more Robin deflects. He said that he thinks that she's getting way too defensive about this stuff. Robin said that she's simply saying that she never got to ask Howard about what was going on with Beth so she shouldn't have to tell Howard what she's feeling with Jim. Howard said that his situation was much different than her's is.
Howard and Robin went back and forth arguing about all of that and Howard thought it was kind of crazy to act the way she was. Howard said that he's learned that Robin has been seeing Jim for 9 months now. He said that in 9 months he admitted to going out with Beth. Robin said that's not the case and he didn't do that 9 months into his relationship.
Howard didn't understand this so he asked Artie and Fred what they thought. Fred said that he thinks that she's being protective of the relationship. He said that maybe they have some kind of understanding and this doesn't bother Jim at all. Howard said that he'd feel like an asshole if he were Jim and Robin wasn't saying that she loves him.
Howard said there's something strange going on with this relationship. Ralph called in and said that Robin is doing this comparison to Jim with Howard and Beth and that's just odd. He also brought up what she said on The View about dating Jim. Robin was saying that she had lost an extra 10 pounds because of the younger man that she was dating. Howard said that's pretty intimate to talk about on that show.
Howard said that Robin is making a big deal out of this and she really shouldn't be doing that. Robin said that Howard is the one being weird about it. Howard said that this is like the Heidi Klum and Seal story. He said that she was out of the news until she had a baby with this guy Seal. Now she's all over the news with that black baby of hers. He said that Mr. X was never in the news and Robin never showed any pictures of him on the air.
Lisa asked Robin if Jim had ever said he loved Robin. Robin said it was none of her business. Ralph asked why that would be so weird to talk about. Howard said that this really is weird. He said that he and Ralph were talking about the dress that Robin wore on The View and argued about that. Howard didn't like it but Ralph did. Howard said he had to fire Ralph for that because he doesn't like his taste now.
Howard said that Howard TV had a clip of Robin and Jim hugging after his interview recently. They all watched that and told Robin that she should embrace the love. Howard asked her if she's dating Jim and if he's her boyfriend. She said that he is her boyfriend, yes.
Howard said that Robin must love Jim because if she didn't, she wouldn't be with him this long. Robin said that she's not the same kind of person that Howard is. She said that he's taking liberties with her that she couldn't take with him.
Howard told Robin to think about this and wonder if she's being a little silly about this. Robin quickly said ''no.'' Howard told her to think again and not answer right away. Robin kept answering immediately. Howard had Fred play some music so Robin could think for a short time. Robin then came back and said ''no'' again. Howard told her to really take time and think about it again and tell him if she was being silly about this whole thing. Robin kept saying the same thing over and over though.
Artie talked about how he came out with his love for Dana and how it just kind of came out on the air. He said that he didn't know that Robin considered Jim her boyfriend so what she's doing now is really kind of weird. Robin said that she wasn't going to listen to a guy who chases guys out into the hall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Robin should just admit that she loves the guy because this is really just irritating to the audience. Robin said she wasn't the one who brought it up. Howard said he kind of gets that this might be a little awkward for her but it's not that big of a deal to admit she loves the guy.
Howard said that he still thinks that Robin will be married in a year. He told her to just admit to loving someone, without mentioning any names, but she didn't do that either. Robin seemed like she was about to say something but cut herself off.
Howard and Artie were asking questions and asking her to take her time thinking of her answers. Fred would play the ''thinking music'' for her and let it play through to the end before Howard would get the answer from her. Robin said that she's been dating Jim seriously for a few months now.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked Robin about an artist there at the charity event they went to and brought up something that didn't have any thing to do with the conversation so Howard hung up on him. Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Robin should be professing her love for Jim today. Howard figured that Robin and Jim were doing this because it's like a game for them. Howard said that if that's what's going on then maybe she should keep it quiet.
Robin said that she keeps her personal life personal. Artie asked ''You're allowed to do that here?'' Mariann was going on about the picture of Robin and Jim that was shown on ''The View.'' Mariann wanted them to get Jim on the phone but Howard said he wasn't going to do that. This was between him and Robin.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she would tell Jim that she loves him. She asked Robin what her problem is. Robin said she doesn't have a problem.
Howard asked Lisa finish up her news but Robin said that they were talking about Howard's wedding. Fred interrupted and asked Robin how many times she thinks about Jim every day. Robin said that was none of their business. She wasn't going to answer it but Fred thought it was a simple question and she should be able to answer it. Fred said that his wife pops into his mind many times per day. Howard said the same thing happens to him with Beth too.
Howard said that he was almost moved to tears by Fred's comments. He said that he can't believe that Robin can't talk about how many times Jim pops into her head. Fred asked Robin if she's finding that she doesn't hang out with her friends as often as she used to. Robin said she's not a hanger out type of person.
Howard was doing an impression of the guy that Lisa was talking about and threw in a mention of Ron O'Brien the radio guy. Robin told Howard that he had just died over the weekend. Howard didn't know that and said that it was like some kind of psychic thing that happened there. Howard asked how old the guy was. Lisa said that he was like 56 or so. Howard asked where he was working. Lisa gave him some details and said that he was working down in Philly.
Howard said that Ron was a really good guy. He did a little bit of an impression of him and talked about what a good guy he was. Howard said he swears he didn't know the guy died and that just came out of nowhere. He said that was very strange that it came out like that.
Howard asked Robin if Ron died lonely or if he left anyone behind. Robin said that the article didn't say. She said that he returned to Philly in 1996. Gary said that they actually had a clip of Ron O'Brien filling in for Howard back at WNBC. They had pulled it for they had pulled it for a Friday sow one time. Howard played the clip and talked about Ron for a few more minutes. He played a couple of clips of him and had some fun doing his impression of the guy.
Howard played some of the awful music that they used to play at WNBC. He said that he got yelled at for goofing on that music back then. He played more clips and talked about what a great guy Ron was. He said that everyone is dying now. Ron had died of pneumonia over the weekend.
Howard said that Ron made a great living in radio and no one even knew what he looked like. He said that he made some good money doing what he did too. Howard said he was a great announcer. Robin read an article about Ron and talked about how he could introduce a song for the 4,000th time and still talk it up as if he were excited about it.
Howard said that he loved Ron. He did his tribute to him introducing songs himself as if he were Ron. He said that guy really did make it sound exciting even when he was introducing a Eddie Rabbit song. Robin read through more of the article she had about Ron and read more stuff about what he was interested in.
Howard was doing his impression and flailing his arms around according to Lisa. Howard said that it was a tough job to do that stuff. He said that he had to act like Crazy Eddie when he did the impression. He introduced a couple more songs and Robin told him that if he introduced songs like that at NBC he would have had Pig Virus on his ass.
Howard said that he had this guy Brian Battles on the phone. Brian worked with him at NBC and he brought him in just to laugh in the studio. Howard said that this guy is the guy who put his penis on the table while he was reading a commercial one day. He said that he saw it there and hit it with a book. He said he wasn't thinking and just whacked it like a fly.
Ralph called in and reminded Howard about some other stuff they did at WNBC when they were there. He had Howard talking about the time he and Fred were doing gay guys on the air after they asked him to do characters on the air. Howard said that they wanted him to be like Imus so bad and that's why they asked him to do characters.
Howard said that he didn't really do characters so he had to make some stuff up. That led to Artie talking about how he had to write down the characters that he did when he started out there. He said that they wanted him to do that because they own any characters they created for the show.
Howard said that the operator at NBC got so many calls over there that she couldn't handle it. He said that's the kind of reaction his show got when he was there. Howard talked about how lucky he was that they didn't fire him sooner than they did at NBC. He said that if they had fired him after one day, that would have ended his career. He said he really doesn't have any fun memories about that stuff.
Artie talked about how rough Howard had it when he was starting out. He thinks that Howard is lucky he went through that when he was young. He thinks that Miley Cyrus chick is going to have that kind of stuff going on the older she gets.
Ronnie came in and said that he got his voice back but that was really embarrassing for him. He said that he didn't come down with anything. He said his voice just went away that morning. He said he was trying to drink tea and taking all kinds of stuff trying to get rid of it.
Howard played another clip where Ronnie came out on stage and wasn't able to speak. Howard said that he'd have him on the air more often if he sounded like that all the time. Artie thought he sounded like Ham Hands Bill. Ronnie thought he was sounding like Mark the Bagger.
Ronnie said that he was drinking brandy to try and get over the voice thing. He said that's what they told him to drink but it wasn't working. Howard played a few more clips and goofed on Ronnie a bit about sounding like Mark the Bagger. Ronnie introduced Gary who went up and said that it seemed that Ronnie didn't have much longer to live. Howard said that both Ronnie and Gary were the two biggest bores with nothing to say.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves when he does the WNBC DJ impression. He said he loved when he did the Ryan Seacrest impression and goofed on him. Howard said that Ryan is a throwback to the shit that they used to do on radio. He said that Tom Bergeron is one of those guys who is on a ton of shows and the typical announcer type.
Howard goofed on Ryan Seacrest a little more and made fun of the way he introduces American Idol. the caller said that he heard Mark McGrath on Bubba's show talking about how nice of a guy Ryan really is. Howard said that of course he's a nice guy, he's got a perfect life. Howard said that if he knew that Mark was going to talk about that the other day, he would have stayed on the phone with Bubba and filibustered to keep him from talking about that.
Howard said that he went out with his movie wife, Mary McCormack, the other night and she's still looking good. He said that she wants him to come out to see her in this play she's in but he hates plays. He said that he doesn't want to go see it because he always hates them. He said that he usually has no idea what the hell is going on.
Robin said that she went to see a play, Top Girls, and there were some women there who were complaining that they couldn't understand what Marissa Tomei was saying during the play.
Howard said that he really doesn't want to go to the play but then he's thinking that maybe he should. He said that he has to get up early the next morning.
Robin said that she was out at her gym recently and Tay Diggs was working out next to her. She said that her trainer was complaining about how bad Rent was and he didn't know that Tay Diggs was in the play and he was complaining about it right in front of him.
Robin said that she loved the play ''Rent'' but the guys were talking about how awful they thought it was. Gary came in and said that the song that Fred was playing from ''Rent'' was sped up a lot and it drags out much longer in the play.
Howard said that someone sent him a CD of remade songs from the 70s. He played a couple of the songs and said that the DJs who remix them are so proud of themselves for doing these things. They take the old songs and turn them into dance songs. Artie said that the beat of the songs sounds just like any club you walk into. Howard said that he feels that he has to get banged in the ass when he hears music like that.
Howard said that he had to go to break but Gary had come in so they ended up talking more about Big Ron O'Brien. He had also mentioned that he liked ''Rent'' so they talked to him about that. Gary aid that he never did cry at that play. He said that there are some things that he will cry over but it wasn't that. Then Fred played this song that makes Gary cry. Gary ended up walking out of the studio crying over that song. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that they're still looking for the Hottest Chick With the Worst Scar for a contest they're running. He got in a plug for the contest and the sponsor.
Howard said he was reading about this Wonderlic test that they give to college football players to find out how smart they are. He said that the best score you can get is a 50. There was a story about how this one guy had gotten a score of 6 on that Wonderlic test. Howard said that they actually have the test so they should give it to Sal. Howard said that he'd probably get a 2 himself because the math questions were throwing him off.
Howard said that Sal was taking the test so he didn't want to say what the answers were. There were 15 questions and Sal had 5 minutes to answer them. Gary said that Sal's head was smoking trying to answer the questions. They had some audio of Sal talking to himself in the office trying to figure out the answers on the test. Howard said that he thinks that Sal will get very few right on that test.
Gary said that the average score of a non-football player taking the test is a 28. Howard read that Dan Marino got a 16 on the test.
Howard had more audio of Sal taking the test and he was nearly complete. Sal was reading the questions out loud and trying to figure out what the answers were. He was reading everything out loud. Gary said that he only had like 90 seconds left. Howard told him to take it away after the time is up. He wanted accuracy on this test.
Howard listened in a little more as Sal was trying to figure that stuff out. Gary pointed out that Sal used to take care of people's money as an actual stockbroker. That led to Artie talking about a clip they had played during the Stuttering John special where Sal had screwed John over with some stock or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up some other football player names for this test. Howard interrupted and asked Gary if Sal finished in time. Gary said that he didn't finish and he was kind of dejected about the fact that he didn't finish.
Howard said that they sent Gary Garver out to do some interviews at a Star Trek convention. He said the best thing to ask is ''Who are you?'' at these events. Garver asked this guy Max Grodenchik who he was and the guy refused to do an interview with him. Howard played that clip where the guy turned Gary away and asked why he would ask him who he was and want to do an interview. Garver eventually gave up on trying to get the interview.
Howard had another one with this guy Lawrence Montaigne who he had never heard of. Garver asked him his name and what made him famous. The guy said he was Donald Duck and did his Donald Duck impression for him. The guy kept doing his Donald Duck impression. Garver asked him who his least favorite person was to work with but the guy refused to give him an answer. The guy said that he knows he's a dull interview and told Garver that he's wasting his time asking him all of these questions. He did answer that he had gotten laid that morning.
Howard heard that Gary was having a problem grading Sal's test. He said he thinks that they have the answer now. Howard had him come in to give the results. Howard figured that Sal got a 6 on the test. Gary said that Sal was able to answer just the first 12 of the 15. He said that he didn't answer them all correctly.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal got 3 of the 15 right. Artie said 5, Fred said 2 and Robin said 6. Gary said that Sal is about a 15 on the test results. He said they give the results on a page in the test so Howard read through that and they say that someone with a 15 is basically equivalent to an ''unskilled worker'' but he's not a moron like someone under a 14 would be rated.
Howard said that Sal and Richard took some audio of Joe Frazier from the other day and used that to call an auto body shop. They took Joe talking about his car accident and had him talking to this auto body guy about his accident. The guy on the phone had no idea what he was saying to him. The guy stayed on the line for quite a while talking to the clips of Joe.
A caller told Howard that their math was off with the math for the test. He said that if they gave 2.5 points for each correct question, the total would come to 37.5. He said that if the test was a 50 point test, their math was off. Howard said he didn't care, he's just disappointed that Sal isn't a moron.
Steve mentioned that Robin's book was out 13 years ago this week. He also mentioned that John the Stutterer is on Howard 101 tonight with his show Straight Talk. Greg Fitzsimmons is on at midnight on Howard 101.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and mentioned the stuff they were going to try and cover today. He mentioned the Robin and Jim story and that led to Robin and Howard talking about that a little more. Howard wanted to hear Robin say that she's in love with Jim but she's not going to do that. She said that if she ever wants to say that on the air, he'll be the first to know. She wanted to know who is telling him about all of the stuff she's up to with Jim. Howard said he got an e-mail and that was it. He joked that it was from Jim's blog.
Howard said he doesn't think that Robin laughs that hard when she's out with the girls. She said that they just had one of those dinners this weekend. She said that she had Sheila, Lisa and Marcie over and also had this guy Elvis there giving them massages.
Howard said that sounds like some weekend. He asked if they pay for their own massages. Robin said that they do. Howard wondered if Annemarie pays for her own. Robin said that she couldn't make it this weekend but she would pay for her own if she was around. Howard asked if Robin would talk about loving Jim in front of these chicks. Robin just laughed.
Ralph asked Robin if this guy Elvis is the guy who gives out happy endings in the massages. Robin told him he was being ridiculous and didn't know what he was talking about. Fred went into his Jim Florentine impression again and had some fun talking about how things are going with her. He said that she's been texting him lately and read some of those texts. One of them was about how she loves the smell of his balls.
Robin got back to her news and read some more stories. She had one about the guy who was abusing his daughter for the past 24 years.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why the FCC is taking so long to make this merger decision. Howard sarcastically said that it must be a really hard decision to make and that's why they're taking so long to make it. He said that if they keep taking their time, both companies are going to go out of business. He said that the oil companies can get their mergers in record time but this one is taking forever. He seemed annoyed by that and hung up on the guy.
Howard tried to take a phone call but the guy was taking forever to get it out. He said that he found a ton of Channel 9 shows up in his attic and spent hours watching them. Howard said that they'll eventually realize how important those shows were.
The caller said that Howard saved his life too. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to hear about that but Artie did. The guy said that he was going to kill himself back when he was about 18. He started to go through the story but Howard cut him off and figured out the rest of the story himself. The guy said that he was going to postpone the suicide for 24 hours after hearing Howard goofing on some guys on the show and he changed his mind.
Howard said that ironically there was a guy on a bridge somewhere thinking about jumping and he decided to go through with it because of that caller. He went to break after that, right around 10:05am.
After the break they came back and Robin talked about Carmen Electra getting engaged again. She's engaged to Rob Patterson from the band Korn. Howard said that she always seems to make good decisions on who to marry so this one should work out just fine. Robin read a story about Jennifer Aniston, a story about Oprah Winfrey having Tina Turner and Cher on her show. Robin said that she wants to see how Cher is looking these days.
Howard read a note from Dan the Song Parody Man who said that a friend of his had gone down to Nicaragua and was able to pull in the SIRIUS signal down there. Howard said that there was also a report about some Arbitron ratings where they say that his channel is the most listened to on satellite radio.
Robin read a story about President Bush doing this dinner where he acts like he's a comedian. She had some audio clips from that event and had Howard playing those. Howard said he gets angry whenever he sees the President having fun like that while this war is going on over in Iraq. Robin read through some other political news as well.
Robin read a story about a shark attack out off the coast of San Diego. One guy was killed by the shark. She had some audio clips of people talking about the guy who was killed. Howard said he doesn't even go in the ocean anymore. He said he doesn't want to be shark food.
Robin read a story about tonight's Deal or No Deal where they're going to have a Star Wars theme. Howard said he's going to be sure to miss that one. He said that's how you ruin a show.
Robin read a story about the Iron Man movie and about the movie Baby Mama being the number one movie this weekend. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later, around 10:30am.
Jon played a clip from the show where Howard was trying to get some information out of Robin and talking about how sad it was that she couldn't declare that love.
Jon and Gary talked about Robin and Jim a little more and then went to the phones. The first caller said that he thinks that they overplay the Sal being stupid and racist thing. He said that Sal is just being honest on the air. He said that Gary should take the test as well. Gary said that he will take any test that they give him and he knows that he'll outscore Sal in anything.
The caller said that there is no history there with him as far as a test goes so he's not sure. Gary said that he's heard him speak on the air so he should have some idea how he'd do compared to Sal.
Sal came in so Jon told him what was going on. He asked Sal if he thinks that he could beat Gary on a test. Sal said he's not sure but he doesn't care. He doesn't want to do that against him. Gary said that Sal doesn't seem to care about it so he wouldn't do that to him.
Gary said he saw that the guys in the Howard TV office were taking the Wonderlic test. He wondered how they did. One of the Howard TV guys said that Brian Phelan did the best out of all of them. He said that Scott DePace screwed up the question about what month the 9th month of the year is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Robin claims that she's doing a character on the air so maybe they should ask her what her character thinks about her relationship with Jim. Gary and Jon thought that was a good idea.
The caller asked Jon and Gary why they kiss Syrus' ass so much on the show because he's been banned from a couple of other shows like the Miserable Men and Bubba the Love Sponge show. Jon and Gary said that he asks some good questions when he calls their show so that's why they let him on.
Jon took another call from a guy who wanted the guys to ask Robin if she and Jim ''make love'' or just ''screw'' when they're having sex.
A caller asked about the test that Sal took and why they were only giving 2.5 points per question. Jon said that it was based on a 20 question test and Sal took the 15 question test. Sal was arguing that the test was timed but the timing wasn't something they should have brought into the test. He said that he didn't have time to answer the rest of the questions.
Sal said that the Wright Brothers weren't given 5 minutes to invent the airplane. He said that he thinks he should have been given more time to answer the questions. Sal was arguing that test didn't really measure intelligence if it was based on time.
Jason came in and said that the guys who took the test in the back all had high scores and they were all able to answer the 15 questions. Sal said that he's smart enough to work for the Howard Stern show and that's all that matters. Gary pointed out that they don't give a test there though. That led to the guys talking to Sal about the SAT tests and trying to find out if he took them. Sal said he didn't remember taking them.
Jason said that they gave KC an intelligence test one time and he came in pretty low. Gary said that he was like a functional retard but then said that he was just kidding.
Gary asked Sal if he thinks that he's smarter than these tests show he is and maybe he's just a bad test taker. Sal said that is the case and he does think that he's smarter than they think he is. Jason asked him where his intelligence shows up though because he comes off as kind of dumb on the air and when he takes tests. Sal wondered what he was trying to say there. They kind of dropped it after that.
The guys said that Artie is the one who is gaining weight. Gary asked the caller where he was going with that. The caller said something about Artie gaining weight, maybe because of the show. The guys talked about that for a short time and said that it could have to do with the hours they have to work.
Sal was goofing on Jason's weight gain so Jason pointed out that Sal has a belly too. Sal said that he has put on about 20 pounds. Gary asked him why he has to wear the tight white t-shirt. Sal said that he wears that kind of as a girdle. He said he sometimes takes his dress shirt off and stays in the t-shirt.
Ronnie told Sal that he shouldn't be walking around in his underwear at work. He said that sometimes he wears a sweatshirt when he goes to the bathroom too. He said that's really weird. Sal said he does that when he gets cold there.
Ronnie's voice was back to almost normal now so Jon asked him about that. Ronnie said that it had gotten really bad on Thursday and he wasn't able to speak at all.
A caller told the guys that they really keep him alive doing what they do. He said that he has throat cancer and he's got to smoke weed so he can eat and stuff while he's on the chemo. Gary thought that smoking was a bad idea if he got throat cancer from smoking cigarettes. The guy said that smoking weed isn't the same thing and there's nothing linking weed smoking to cancer. They spent a little longer with him before letting him go.
A caller asked if it gets annoying when they talk to people on the air like they were doing with Robin this morning. Gary said that it's not boring to him when it's not him on the chopping block. He said that he enjoys it when it's someone else in there.
Sal said that when Howard puts him down, he looks at it like tough love. He said he knows that Howard is just trying to help him in some way. Sal also had some thoughts on Robin and Jim. He said that he thinks that Robin is in love with the guy but she just won't talk about it on the air.
That eventually led to Sal talking about how he only gave Robin 5 bucks for her charity because that's in proportion to what he can afford. He said that he doesn't like these people who buy their way into being a celebrity.
Sal said that he doesn't cut big $10,000 checks to buy his way into a friendship like some people have. He said that there are two types of people in the entertainment business. Some are talented, the others buy their way in. Gary said he wasn't sure who he was taking digs at with those comments. Sal said that most of th people there didn't care about Robin's charity and they just wanted bragging rights to be able to say they gave money and got to sit down with Robin. He said that it's all horse shit and real charity is done quietly and humbly and that's the way Howard does it from what he's heard. Sal said he hopes that maybe someone was able to buy a fly swatter for the kids in Eritrea.
Jon took a call from a guy who went off on Gary for being so stupid. He was calling him names and pointing out that he's the first one to go off on people about the same things he has wrong with him. They spent a short time talking about Sal's Series 7 test that he had to take to become a stockbroker. Sal claimed that he got an 86 on his test and a 70 was passing.
A caller asked Sal about a prank call that he made and what it was like getting consent from the guy that have to get before they can air it. Sal said that they tell these people that they're doing a Candid Camera type of show and their call was the funniest. They'll actually clap for the people when they tell them this information.
The caller told the guys that Artie wasn't that familiar about the Taxi Driver movie because he got some of his lines wrong and had some other info about it wrong as well. The caller also asked Gary about the old channel 9 shows when he'd dress up in monkey suits and stuff. He wondered if Gary is above that now. Gary said that he's not sure if he's above it but he won't do it anymore.
Another caller said that he's annoyed by Gary saying that he's so smart on the show when he's really not. He said that he's really not smart but he continues to say he is. Gary said that he just claims that he's smarter than Sal. Gary asked the guy if he thinks that he could run the show if he wasn't that smart. The caller thinks that anyone could run the show after 25 years of trial and error.
Gary didn't seem to be phased by the guy's comments. The guy was going on and on insulting Gary but Gary told him that he was really boring. He told him to stop being so verbose. The guy said he wasn't done yet and continued to go on and on telling Gary what he should do to become smarter.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that caller was horrible. She went on to talk about the Robin and Jim thing and said that maybe Jim hasn't said that ''love'' word yet and Robin is waiting for him to say it before she'll say it. She had some theories on all of that and Sal thinks that they should ask Robin about that tomorrow.
A caller asked Gary if he thinks that the show will be gone when they retire. Gary said that he thinks that when they're gone, they're gone. The caller wasn't sure if they were going to continue to play the replays. He said that he's going to miss them when they leave and it's going to be very odd when they do leave. Gary said that he has no plans at this time.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked Sal about his fight with Artie and what happened after. Sal said that they got a lot of stuff off their chests and they're getting along very well at this point. He said that Artie gave him tickets to a baseball game so his kids can experience something that they don't usually get to see.
Gary said that Sal will hide behind the cage there at the game so he doesn't have to throw the ball. Last week he had a ball roll to him when he was filming the kids and when he threw it back, he hit the kid in the neck with the ball. He said that he felt really bad about that but he had thrown it really easy to him. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Gary said that he just wants Richard to tell him what it is he has to play for him. Sal said that Richard will leave him IMs and stuff in the morning. Gary said that he doesn't do that all the time though.
Gary said he wasn't attacking Richard's work, he was just saying that he needs to know about the stuff they want to play. Sal said he thinks that Richard handles all of that delicately and that's why he does things the way he does.
Jon took a call from a guy who pointed out that Sal had said something earlier about a guy getting his clit cut off. Sal said he made a mistake and he had gotten him there.
Jon asked Gary about how he ran out of the studio earlier when Fred played that song that makes him cry. Gary said that he's not sure why it hits him the way it does. Sal said that Gary started to cry as soon as the song came on and it was like his tears just turned on immediately.
The guys talked about the Broadway plays and musicals that they were discussing during Howard's show. Will was saying that every musical is gay to him. He said that he's been to some shows and they've all been pretty bad. He said he will try them but they usually prove him right.
Gary said that he likes that there are some Jewish girls out there who will drop their standards to date people on J-Date and meet only Jewish guys.
Jon asked Benjy if he's ever gotten into a relationship where religion broke them up. Gary said that happened to him one time. He said that this girl just stopped calling him at one point and it was because she was Jewish and she didn't think their relationship was going anywhere.
Benjy said that he thinks that some people have a racial thing in their dating lives and some have religious issues. Benjy said that when it's a non-Jewish person who does that he finds it ridiculous.
Jon and Gary brought up the Sonos giveaway they're doing. They went through the details of that and said that you can find out more at SIRIUS.com. The contest ends on May 5th at Noon.
A caller asked when they're going to do another Roast on the show. Gary said that they got to a point where they really need to have the right person to roast. He said that they were thinking about roasting Robin but it's not quite right yet. Gary said that he's hoping that things will be right eventually. He said that they have to wait until Robin and Jim are in the right spot in their relationship. Sal defended Bob Levy because the caller had called him an idiot. Gary said that Bob is very good at doing the roasts.
The guys ended up talking about American Idol for a short time. They were talking about how bad the show has been this season since Howard had discussed it earlier.
The caller who went off on Gary earlier called back in again to correct Gary about something that he said about him being jobless. Gary asked the guy what he does for a living. He said he runs two technology companies and runs the engineering departments. He said that he's the Vice President. Gary said that the President usually runs the company. The caller, Christopher, said that he runs the company BAAP Technologies. He said he's not afraid to say where he works.
Christopher was saying that Gary walks around acting like he's really smart when he's not. He said that Fred doesn't do that. Gary accused this guy of doing the same thing that he's accusing him of doing.
Jon took a call from Ralph who said that guy does come off as an asshole. Sal asked Ralph about dealing with a black guy on the subway one day but it didn't really go anywhere.
Ralph guy the guys back on American Idol and talked about that a little more. He said he hasn't been watching the show much lately. Gary said that he can usually watch the show in 11 minutes with his TiVo. He said he just listens to a little bit of it and fast forwards through the rest of it.
The guys talked about the show for a few minutes and Shuli said that he feels like he's on another planet when they start talking about this shit. Ralph went off on him and tried to find out what he watches while he's smoking pot and hiding in a corner somewhere. Shuli said he'll watch shows where people win, not where they show the losers.
Jon asked Ralph if he and Howard are back to normal after Howard went off on him last week. Ralph said that things are fine. He said there was some confusion there. He also talked about watching the Spider-Man cartoons with Howard and how they were really trying to work so he asked him to turn it off.
Ralph was talking about Robin's wackiness and how she talked about going to see Rent like 20 times and crying each time she went. He said that's crazy talk. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how Jackie Martling was going to be stopping by today. Robin asked ''Jackie who?'' when Howard told her he was coming in.
Howard went to the phones a short time later and took a call from a guy who brought up his wedding and asked if Beth is going to become Beth Stern. Howard said that she is going to take his last name but he had no say in that. She decided to take it instead of going by Beth Ostrosky-Stern.
Howard said that there is no shame in being Beth Stern and he told her he'd be proud of her taking his name. He said that he's pretty sure she's going to be Beth Stern but he can't say that for sure. He said that everyone seems to ignore the things he wants.
Howard said that he sees that a lot of people don't see things the way he does even though it's the right way in his opinion. He said that his way is often the only way.
Howard said that Tim Sabean taught him something when they moved there. He said that he had a lot of ideas when he got there and got very frantic trying to make all of the things happen that he wanted to happen. He wanted to show people how great the service is. He said that he told Tim he wanted him to make all of this stuff happen immediately but Tim told him to calm down and just let it happen in an organized way.
Howard said Tim wanted to organize things and make it all work. He said that Tim did a spectacular job and now the two channels are the most listened to on SIRIUS and Tim is a great programmer. He said that Tim showed him that his way was the right way. Howard's way was probably not the right way. Howard said that Tim is a very hard worker and that's the kind of guy he needs working there.
Howard said that Beth was getting all dolled up to go out yesterday and he told her he really doesn't like when she goes out without him. He said that he knows that guys are going to be hitting on her and he wanted to see the movie too. She told him she'd be home by about 10 but she didn't actually get home until midnight. He said that she may be keeping it from him that she's going to the after party but he'd be fine with that if she wanted to go.
Artie told Howard that he's now getting mad at things that he's assuming. Artie laughed his ass off a few seconds later saying that the look he got from Howard was hilarious. Howard said that was a man look that he gave Artie. He told him to stay out of that.
Howard said that Beth looked really good last night while he had to stay home so he can be healthy for his job in the morning. He said that he gets resentful when that goes on because he has to make money. He said that he heard that the party was star studded too so he figured that she was being hit on all night. She didn't talk to him about that though.
Howard said that Beth is always available for when he goes out to things like that so he can't go out on his own. He said that he's going to start going to strip clubs when she goes away. Robin asked if he's really going to do that. Howard said ''probably not...'' and Artie said that there are a lot of guys there right now who are wondering when they're going to a strip club.
Howard said that Beth was dressed up like she was going to meet the President last night. He said he's upset that he didn't get to see the movie but Beth was saying that there was a screening set up for him today according to Jon Favreau. He knows nothing about it and now he's going to boycott the movie.
Howard said that he wants everyone in his life to be doing the stuff he wants to do and he doesn't want they doing anything else. He said that's a major part of his therapy and he has to get over that and look inside of himself to see why he's tantruming about this stuff.
Howard said that if he had gone to the movie, they wouldn't have gone to the after party and he would have ruined Beth's night. He said that it was best that he didn't go.
Artie talked about going to a screening with Howard back in 2002 or so and he remembers Howard leaving before the movie was even over. Robin said that he's done that at a Rain Forest concert too. Howard said he does that so he can get out of there and not get stuck in the crowd that's leaving. Robin said that she turned around to see how Howard was enjoying the concert and he was just gone.
Howard talked about going to a Bob Seger concert back in Detroit and he missed out on Bruce Springsteen after he had left. He said he was there in the beginning but then he left early and missed out on the whole Springsteen thing.
Ralph called in and asked Howard if he really wants Beth to stay home with him and not go to these parties. Howard said that he wouldn't do that to her. Howard said that he told her yesterday that he might want to go to the screening with her and she wasn't jumping for joy or anything.
Artie said that Howard thinks that the reason Beth is going to these things is because of him and that's a passive regressive thing. Howard said that he heard about the screening today and he told her that he's not sure he has time to do that because of work.
Artie said that he's got similar issues with stuff like that and he'd like to meet the therapist that can fix stuff like that.
Howard said that he always forgets about what happens at therapy and that's why he goes so often. Artie said that he and Dana went to a club one night and the bouncer wouldn't let them in. He said that his friend tried to get him in by telling the guy who Artie was but that didn't work. Artie said that Dana ended up getting into the same club one night with Beth and it was very easy to get in. Artie said that he got very upset about that and said that the whole reason she got in was because of him being on the show. He said he let it fester and he blew up over it. He said that it wasn't even her fault and he shouldn't have done something like that to her.
Howard said that he's working on those issues in therapy. He said that it is nice that Beth isn't too clingy. He said that's great but he still get irritated by this stuff.
Ralph said that Beth is always busy and not bothering him with stuff so that's a good thing. Howard said he does like that she can go out on her own but it still bothers him sometimes. He said that he really enjoys being with Beth and that's what love is to him. He said that he wants to be with her all the time.
Howard said that at one point he felt that when he was around Beth, he's just a happier more pleasant person. He said that he realized that she had faults and he even found an attractiveness about those. He said that he enjoyed the fact that she was a person other than himself. He said that the fact that he realized that made him realize how much he really loved her. He said that there are things that he does himself that are annoying and he finds similar things in Beth that make him realize that she's struggling just like he is.
Howard said that the concept of love for him changes over time. He said that you get to see what's really behind that love you have for a person when all of the initial bullshit goes away. He said that he likes where he's at right now and he hopes it lasts.
Howard said that he's getting married for the second time so he had to make sure that he wasn't getting into something that would ruin her life with this marriage. He said that he wants to be a good husband. Robin said that he went from yesterday saying that he was getting married and he was going to be great to talking about how he hopes that he can be a good husband. Artie told her that it's a constant struggle in a guy's mind.
Howard said that he can get into a frame of mind where he goes into a feeding frenzy. He said that he wants every woman in the world to be in love with him. He said that Robin shouldn't be in love with Jim, she should be in love with him. He said that's how much he wants all women to love him. He said that's the kind of stuff he has to work on all the time. Ralph said that Beth mellowed Howard out and that's an amazing thing. Howard said that he has evolved.
Robin said that Howard was going 150 miles an hour when he was dating and he went right to zero when he met Beth. She said it was kind of wild how quickly he changed. Robin wanted to hear more about the other women that he dated since he was being so open about this.
Gary said that Sal wrote a song for Howard's wedding. Howard played the song which was basically just Howard telling people on the show not to get married. Howard said that Sal is very profound for a moron. He thanked Ralph for calling in after that and moved on.
Howard said that the guy in that song that he just played hadn't met Beth. Robin asked if that guy was dead. Howard said that guy grew and got in touch with what he wanted. Howard told Robin that guy was his ''character.''
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he loves his wife as much now as he did 10 years ago. He said that if Beth doesn't take his last name then she doesn't really love him. Howard sand Robin told him that's silly and not true at all. Artie said it's an inner-city thing and that's not true at all. Howard said that he wouldn't have a problem with it if Beth wanted to use her last name with his last name.
King said that it's bullshit and he has to put a stop to it at some point. Howard said that he would probably resent it if she didn't take his name. Howard said that he knows that he has to work on this stuff and get past some of this resentment.
Howard said there seems to be a craziness and some desperation there and it's really laughable right now that the merger hasn't been approved. The caller said that the merger is supposed to expire on May 1st and it doesn't look like it's going to happen at this point.
The caller also asked Robin if she had watched ''How I Met Your Mother'' last night. Robin didn't see it so the guy told her about this ''Bro Code'' thing that they did on the show. He told her to check that out.
Howard said that he really doesn't care about Dancing with the Stars anymore and got disgusted with the show last night. He said he deleted the show from his TiVo because he got so disgusted. Howard said that they're doing too much stuff on that show now and he's just done with it.
Dominic Barbara called in about the merger and talked about some of the things that are going on with it. He said that he thinks that Jesse Jackson might be behind the 4 states that were mentioned earlier.
Dominic said that he was on some medication for the knee surgery he had last week and he said he's not sure how Artie can handle taking these drugs. He said that the pain killers were making him nuts and he can't imagine taking them more often.
Ralph thinks that Howard deleted Dancing with the Stars as a way to get back at Beth for leaving him home alone. Howard said that she has a copy to watch so he shouldn't worry about that. He hung up on Ralph again.
Robin asked Howard how involved he was with the wedding planning. Howard said that he was involved and had a lot of input for it. He said that Beth kind of did what she wanted but he agreed with what she was doing so he's fine with it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wanted to comment on Howard and Beth's relationship. She said that she's been with her husband for 20 years now. Howard said he was sorry for her. She went on to say that this thing that he has with Beth going out without him is going to be something he has to get used to. She said that this is going to be hard to get over because she has the same thing and it never really goes away.
The caller said that some people get more hurt than others do. Robin said that Jim was in Des Moines for 5 days and she didn't get upset one bit. Howard said that Robin doesn't love Jim so of course she doesn't get upset.
Howard said that he heard from Colin yesterday and he is in the middle of writing this script. Colin said he needs a week to polish it up and they may be able to shoot in May. If not they'll put it off until July. Robin said they could cast someone else if Eric isn't available. Eric told the cackling witch to shut up.
Artie said that he got a call from this guy Dave Phillips, who he said is really talented, called him and said that he would be willing to work on this project. Artie said that you can google the guy's name and see what he's worked on.
Howard told Eric he understands his demands but Colin is wrapping up the script. He said there are cinematographers willing to work on the movie and they're probably looking at May but maybe early June for the movie shoot.
Howard said that if they want to do something of quality, they may have to put it off until July. Robin asked why Eric can't put the other stuff off so he can do this movie. Eric said he can't do that.
Howard asked Eric if he looked at the lines they sent to him from the original movie ''Taxi Driver.'' Eric said he hadn't looked at them yet. Robin asked if he had them there in front of him. Eric didn't have them with him at the time. He said he gave them lines yesterday. Howard said he wanted him to perform for them today though.
Eric said he didn't know they were going to ask him to perform those lines today. Howard said that they wouldn't have sent them to him if they didn't want him to do them.
Howard said he understands that Eric has a schedule and he doesn't get why Robin isn't understanding that. Eric yelled at someone right after that and said that someone was prank calling his cell phone while he was on the air. He said that people do that when he's on air or doing his JFSC show.
Eric said that he'll call back in tomorrow to read some lines for them. Howard said that would be fine and let Eric go.
Howard was going to go to break but he had to mention this story he saw about this Cardinal Egan saying that Rudy Giuliani can't take communion because he's a catholic who supports abortion. Howard said that this is funny because these people are chasing people from the religion. He said that they don't seem to be outraged about a Pope who was hiding the fact that priests were molesting young boys. Howard said that this lashing out was ridiculous. Howard and the guys spent a minute talking about that stuff before they went to break.
Howard said that he heard that Gary had just paid $4.19 per gallon for gas and that's getting out of hand. He said that this country needs to find another source of energy. He said that we're also going to have food shortages. Robin said that's not true, it's the cost of food that's going to go up and people won't be able to afford it.
Howard said that the answer isn't clear to him at this point. He said we have really brilliant guys inventing stuff and he doesn't get why we can't get this stuff going and get some alternate fuels going. Robin said that they'd have to retool the plants to change all of that stuff.
Dee Snider was on the ISDN line so Howard asked him what he thinks about all of that. Dee said that he heard Artie talking about $5 worth of gas lasting a few days and he's not sure what year that was in, the 1940s? Artie said that was it, the same years that Dee was popular.
Howard had Dee's son Jesse on the line so he could talk to him as well. He said that Jesse is on this show ''Rock the Cradle'' on MTV where he's competing against other kids of music stars. Dee said that the show isn't getting the kind of viewers that MTV was hoping for.
Howard talked about some of the stuff that's going on there at the show and Dee said that they're making things appear to be what they're not by creative editing. Jesse said that he and Crosby are getting along better than it appears on that show. He said he just went out with Crosby the other night.
Howard asked if Olivia Newton John's daughter has had lip injections or something. Jesse said he thinks she has because he saw older pictures of her and she didn't have any lips and now she does. He also said that they appear to have deflated a little bit since the season started.
Dee said that these kids really have a lot of pressure on them during their performances. Howard said he had no idea how overbearing Dee's wife is as a mother. Howard said the same thing about Dee too because the show seems to be more about him than it is about Jesse. Dee didn't think that was true but Howard went on to talk about some of the stuff Dee has done. He mentioned Joe Walsh's daughter and how he doesn't seem to be very supportive of his daughter. Jesse said that really pisses him off that he's not supportive of his daughter. He said that he was in town just a few blocks away while his daughter was kicking ass singing a song.
Howard said that it appeared that Joe didn't want anything to do with the show and asked not to be lit up. Dee said that's the case and he really doesn't want anything to do with the show at all. Dee said that they are being exploited as the parents of these kids but it does benefit the kids if they're there.
Howard said that maybe Joe is looking at it like he doesn't like his kid being judged like that. Jesse said that he thinks that it's a case of being a lazy parent. Dee said that Lucy doesn't think that's it and he may have had some issues with another show that he was working on at some point.
Howard said that Dee's wife Suzette tells Jesse to show more penis and stuff like that with tight jeans and stuff. Dee said that she's really not forcing stuff on him and it's the editing again that's making it look like she is.
Dee said that he'd love for his kid to be a bigger star than he was. Howard said that he doesn't want that at all from his kids. He said that he would feel that it was exploitation if his kid were on a show like that but he would be there to support her if she was on it. He said he wouldn't do what Joe Walsh is doing by ignoring his kid. He said he could never say no to his kid but he would feel that they were being used.
Artie said that it might be tough for Joe to see his kid doing what she's doing in front of the camera. Dee said that it is pretty surreal.
Jesse went off on Belinda Carlisle for saying something about him being a ''fake punk'' after she sat in his rehearsal and telling him that his song was great. Dee tried to get him to stop talking like that but Jesse said that he had to say that. Dee said that he wanted Jesse not to talk about the judges like because he told him to just relax with that stuff this morning.
Howard said that Jesse seems to have the same kind of swagger that Dee does. Dee said that he told his manager that they were portraying Jesse as a cocky, arrogant guy on the show and the manager just said ''And?'' like he wasn't surprised.
Howard said he thinks that Jesse is a front runner at this time. Jesse said that might be why they're portraying him the way they are. He said that he thinks that the producers want him to stay on the show as long as possible because he always comes through with his performances.
Howard read that Jesse wrote a comic book for DC comics and it's going to be published this June. Howard said he was very impressed by that. He said that if he had a son who wrote comic books, he'd be beside himself. Dee said that he's very happy about it.
Howard asked Jesse if he's married now. Jesse said that he did get married to his high school sweetheart. Howard asked Dee why he let that happen. Dee said he had no control over that. Jesse is 25 and has known the girl for about 9 years.
Howard said that he heard from his kids that Jesse had a reputation in school. He asked Dee how old he was when he started banging. He said he was about 15 or so. Howard asked him if he thinks that he wants to stay with the same woman for the rest of his life. Jesse said that she's gorgeous and he wants to be with her so he married her.
Dee said that he could have taken the chance and let her go and possibly lose her forever, or he could marry her. He picked out the marrying thing and that's great. Dee said that he's been with his wife for 32 years and things are working out just fine for him.
Howard asked Jesse if he ever saw his dad naked. Jesse said that he never has and he's never seen his penis. Howard said that he's heard from Suzette that Dee has a huge penis. Jesse said he didn't want to hear this stuff. Howard said Suzette has said that it hurts to have sex with him. Jesse said that it must run in the family because he's the same way.
Howard said that he's seen his father's penis. He saw that when he was growing up. Artie joked that he had seen his father's penis, when he was fuckin' him.
Dee said that things are getting kind of weird now that they're getting older and still talking about this stuff. Howard said that Suzette described Dee's penis as being like the can that tennis balls come in. He said that he was in his kitchen hearing that from her with his wife standing there. It was very embarrassing to him because he has just the opposite of Dee.
Jesse said that his friends would always make references to his mom being so hot when he was playing football in school and stuff. He said that they went pretty far and they'd talk about her being a MILF and making jerk off moves with their hands.
Howard talked about how hot Suzette was and asked Jesse how long he nursed with his mom. Jesse said he never did but his siblings did. Howard told him he might want to start now.
Howard asked Dee if he's still hurting Suzette with his penis. Dee said that his wife is a petite woman to begin with so it's not just him. Howard asked Jesse if his wife Patty had ever been in pain from having sex. Jesse said that he wasn't going to talk about that.
Howard asked everyone to check out this ''Rock the Cradle'' show that airs on Thursday nights on MTV. He said that he'd like to help him out. Jesse said that you can find out more about him and what he's up to his band is called Baptize My Fire. Howard let Dee and Jesse go a short time later.
Howard said he had some audio of a FOX news anchor pronouncing Arnold Schwarzenegger's name as ''Swarzenigger.'' Howard played that clip and she said it twice. Howard said that she's not saying ''Schwarz'' right either. She's saying ''Swartz.'' Howard said that they should know how to say the name by this point. He replayed the clip and got a few laughs from the guys.
Howard said that Jackie was there but they had to take a break first. He said that Jackie wrote him an e-mail and wanted to come in to promote his radio show ''Jackie's Joke Hunt.'' He said that they'll talk to him but he doesn't think that much has changed in his life. He said Jackie is out dating now but he's still technically married to Nancy.
Artie asked what happened with Nancy and the date they set her up on. Howard said that things didn't work out for her with that guy. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Jackie the Joke Man come in after that. Jackie has been off the show for 7 years now. Jackie came in and said hello to everyone. He shook everyone's hands and Fred said that his hand feels leathery to him. Jackie said he's 60 years old now, of course it's leathery.
Howard said that Jackie had a big smile on his face. Jackie said that when he turned 60 he can't even say that number now. He said that 50 wasn't that big of a deal but the 60 is.
Howard asked Jackie if he can still get it up now. Jackie said he can't and then showed Howard this little Viagra thing that he had that has a little light on it and lets you carry around your pills. Jackie said that he has tried it but he doesn't carry it around with him.
Howard said that Jackie is all proud of the fact that he doesn't drink now but he still smokes pot. Jackie said that he doesn't smoke that much now. He only smokes at night and not during the day. He said it's not even every night but Howard called him out on that and Jackie said that he does smoke every night.
Jackie said that he's blown away by how Robin looks but he's even more blown away that she's dating Florentine. Jackie said that he knows Florentine and he's a fun guy but he would never have guessed that he'd end up dating Robin.
Howard asked Jackie if he thinks it's a mismatch. Jackie said that it's really not but he is from that Bobby Levy gang of crazies that hang out. He said that he doesn't know Jim that well, he just knew that he was a nice guy.
Howard asked Jackie if he thought that Stuttering John's movie was good. Jackie said that he did laugh out loud about 10 times and that rarely happens. He said that Sandi Taylor is in the movie and he promised that he would keep her name Taylor instead of Korn that she sued to use when she came on the show.
Howard heard that Jackie is still putting money into weird projects. He heard that he put up money for a movie that his wife Nancy and her boyfriend produced. Jackie said that he's doing this joke show called ''Play with Jackie'' and they're going to bring it to Howard TV.
Howard said that Gary asked him what Jackie is doing now to make money. Jackie said that he owned a lot of stock but got killed with some of that stuff. He said that he owns some homes and stuff like that. He said that he has no vices other than the pot that people usually give to him. He said that he's an old guy with no bad habits and he has enough money to live okay. He said that he really needs this game show to happen because he doesn't have a lot of money though.
Howard asked Jackie what he's making per night now that he's not on the show. He asked him if he's making the 72 grand that Artie is making for a night. Jackie said that he is but he was just kidding and said he can't believe Artie is making that kind of money.
Jackie said that he made 22 grand at one show one time and that was the best he ever did. Howard said that the week Jackie left he had gone out to Vegas with him on a private jet and he had it all. Jackie said that if he knew how Robin was going to look now, he never would have left. He said that he's been asked every question about this show and everyone asks if he ever had sex with Robin. He never did. Artie joked that was another thing he missed out on because he's banging her all the time.
Jackie said that tonight is the 75th Jackie's Joke Hunt show and they're celebrating that. Howard said that's amazing and he had no idea that they had done that many shows.
Jackie said that Fred was looking good. Howard thought that Fred was still mad at Jackie but Fred said that they had patched things up and had moved on from that.
Jackie said that he found out that Fred thought that when he was goofing on him saying ''Fred Morris'' that Fred thought that he was saying ''Fred Mars'' which drove him nuts. He got a laugh out of that.
Jackie went on to tell some new jokes he had for him. He went through the jokes and laughed at himself as he was telling them as he always has. Artie said he heard that joke on his Joke Hunt Show. Jackie said if he's listening to his show then he's going to start dating Florentine. Artie said he's a big fan of Jackie's show.
Howard said that Jackie's Joke Master was named on a list of toys containing lead. Jackie said that he really doesn't know what's in his toys but he doesn't really worry about it either. Howard said that it appears that Jackie has never turned down a thing when he gets offered something. Jackie said that he does get a lot of offers but he has turned down some stuff. Howard wanted to hear one thing that he's turned down. Jackie said that he turned down a movie.
Gary told Howard that he had a clip of Jackie doing some acting in this movie called ''The Wicked.'' Howard played the clip where Jackie is playing himself and talking to a senator who had hired him to do his act for him. Howard said that Jackie seems to do anything he's asked to and the only thing he ever turned down was this show. Howard said that Jackie would do anything where he got stuff free.
Jackie said that the show beats the shit out of you and people tell him all the time that he looks 10 years younger all the time. Artie said that the schedule is tough for someone who is doing stand-up.
Howard played a clip from Jackie's show ''The Pikers'' where he was doing a southern accent. Howard said that sounded terrific. Jackie said that the show is very funny and he and his family win the lottery and end up in the ghetto instead of in Beverly Hills like the Beverly Hillbillies.
Howard said that it was amazing that Jackie actually signed on for more shows there. Jackie said that he managed to get what he wanted because he asked for nothing. Howard heard that he had asked for some interns for his show but they turned that down.
Howard gave Jackie some more plugs for his show and said that you can hear him tonight on Howard 101. He's also appearing down at Ferrara's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Jackie how many years he was on the show. Jackie said that he was on for 18 years. Dominic said that he'd like to know what happened with his divorce because this is the only one he didn't handle. Jackie ended up goofing on him about his divorces.
Howard asked Jackie why he didn't get a divorce. Jackie said that they are legally separated and he keeps her on his health insurance by staying married.
Jackie talked about how he saw Kimberly Taylor, Amy Lynn and Sandi Taylor all within a short time and he's heard that they'd all like to come in for a reunion show or something. Jackie got in a few more plugs for some other stuff he's going to be doing soon. You can find out more at Jokeland.com. He's still got his (516) 922-WINE line going too.
Howard took some calls from some people who asked Jackie why he thinks he's funny and stuff like that. They were mostly goofing on him for leaving the show.
Howard asked Jackie if he's upset that Gary is now in the Friar's club. Jackie said that he saw Gary over there eating one day and he yelled out to Gary when he saw him ''The shrimp doesn't have a chance!'' He said he heard that someone had heard that on the show a couple of days later and they thought it was an old replay or something even though it had just happened.
Howard gave Jackie some more plugs for his show and said that his sister is a big fan of the show. Howard said that Ellen loves it and she said she can't believe that she likes it. Howard said that she told him about listening to the whole hour of the show and she was entertained the whole hour. Howard said that he told her that she might be the only person who has heard the whole hour. Howard said he likes the show and the jokes that he tells.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why Jackie laughs at his jokes before he's even told the punch line. Jackie told him not to listen if he doesn't like it. Another guy asked Howard if he booked Jackie to show Artie what he could end up like. Artie said that he's not going to make it to 60.
Jackie said that he went out to dinner with Howard to an Italian place one time and the place was kind of small. He said he waled through the door and he was fine but then Howard walked through and he whacked his head on the doorway. He said that he was laughing through the whole appetizer and Howard was getting pissed at him because of that. Howard said he'll never go out to dinner again with him because of that. He said he thinks that he was dizzy and agreed to let him do his show there after that bonk on the head. Howard wrapped up with Jackie after giving him some more plugs for all of the stuff he had mentioned earlier. They went to break after that.
Howard came back a short time later and said that he was stunned when he opened up the paper and saw that Elliot Spitzer's whore is suing Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild. He got her when she was much younger and now she's suing him for that. Howard said he's got nothing against whores but she is a whore and how much worse could her reputation be? Howard said it's a little late to be suing Joe Francis over ruining her reputation.
Howard said that he's really not sure why everyone is so upset about these pictures of Hannah Montana. He was digging through his paper trying to find the article about this Ashley Alexandra Dupré whore. He said that he wasn't able to find it so he gave up.
Howard said that there as an article about the radio ratings in New York. He said that David Hinckley must love Imus. He said that they put Imus on this ABC radio and his ratings are lower than the guys that he replaced. His replacements over at WFAN radio are beating Imus with ratings higher than he ever got. Howard said that this Imus must be the luckiest guy in the business. He said they gave him $10 million to go to ABC and he's not delivering the ratings.
Howard said that there was one article where they lay it out on the line about Imus, unlike this Hinckley guy. Howard read the article where they say that Imus has a 1.5 share which means that he could have zero ratings based on the error ratio for the ratings. He said that it's only going to get worse for Imus because he started there after a big controversy.
Howard read the ratings and said that Boomer Esiason is getting better ratings and they're up at number 5 in the ratings. He said that beginners are beating Imus in the ratings. He said that he could take someone off the street and they would get better ratings than Imus.
Howard said that David Hinckley says that the people who are listening to Imus are the smart, upscale people. He read about this Spanish guy who is going around claiming that he used to beat them in the ratings. He said that they're doing well in the ratings. Z-100 has the number 1 morning show and Elvis Duran is getting the big ratings. Opie and Anthony took a big drop but they don't say by how much in the article.
Howard said he doesn't understand why they keep signing these people who don't get ratings. He said the article says that Opie and Anthony are dead last in the ratings in New York City. He read that they just signed a new contract over there too. Artie found some ratings info and found that Opie and Anthony had a 1.7 rating. He looked through the other ratings and wasn't able to find WABC on the list. He eventually found that they had a 3.2 but Howard said that can't be possible.
Howard read through the ratings himself and found that WABC actually did have 3.2. Robin said that was respectable. Howard said that WFAN had a 2.3 so he figured that something was off. He said that the list that Artie had must have been wrong. The article that he was reading had conflicting information.
Artie said that it does appear that Hinckley does skew things in his own way and he does appear to have a problem with Howard. Howard said he doesn't really care about that.
Howard said that his agent was contacted about this Radio Hall of Fame thing. He said that they were going to do this voting thing on the internet but he said he wants nothing to do with it. Howard said that they're supposed to put him up against a bunch of bizarre list of people. Howard said that he told Don to tell them to please not nominate him. He said that no one has had the impact that he's had on the radio business and it's an insult to nominate him for something like that. He said that he wouldn't show up to their awards if they paid him a million bucks and told them to suck his dick.
Howard asked Alexis about how old she is. She's only 20. Howard said it sounds like she just graduated high school. Justine said that she had something for Artie but it wasn't what he wanted. Howard told her to let Artie bang her but she said that she just vomited in her mouth. She told Artie that he blew it with her business manager Leah who was in there last time. Artie said that she lives in California. He said that he didn't know what to do and he wasn't able to work things out.
Howard said he was reading about Justine's life and it's pretty wild. He read that she had been molested or something but she had no idea where that was coming from. JD came in and said that she was on Geraldo's show talking about molestation. Justine said that she wasn't talking about herself though. Justine said that she was talking about another man, not her step-grandfather.
Justine said that she was molested by 3 guys and they went to court and they're currently in jail over it. She said that one of the three is still out and evading capture. Justine said that she's been in therapy since she was 13 years old.
Justine said that she's bi-sexual but she has trouble getting chicks to come home with her. She said that they always chicken out at the last minute. She said that she did a show there at SIRIUS last night and she was talking to a lesbian who she was ready to go home with.
Howard asked Justine about this molestation and when it all happened. She said that it went on from 3 to 10 years of age. She said that she started to get hot when she was a nerd until she was about 17 and didn't get guys until then.
Howard read that Justine had hurt her neck when she had sex because she was in a pile driver position. She said that she is pretty bendy but she did hurt herself. She said that because of the guy's weight she pulled a muscle in her neck.
Justine talked about the guy she's with and how she and this guy she's with are into the same things. They both like polyamory (banging other people) and they're into threesomes.
Justine mentioned that she's into Harry Potter so Howard had some questions for her to answer about him. He said that if she gets them wrong then Artie gets to spank her. She said that she wasn't into that but then said that he could do it if he didn't bruise her.
Here are the questions and answers that Howard asked:
Howard moved on to Alexis and asked her about the porn movies she's done. She's made about 120 of them so far. She talked about how she hasn't had sex with black guys yet and blamed that on the big penis thing. Howard told her that he doesn't have anything near a big penis and he's pretty sure that she'd like him.
Alexis stripped down for the guys too. Howard said that he had a boner now because the girls were rubbing each other. He said that they make a beautiful couple. The girls were talking about going back to their hotel and doing each other after the show.
Howard asked what they were going to do to each other. Justine talked about teasing Alexis and kissing her and stuff like that. She kissed her as she was describing it. Howard asked what Alexis was going to be doing. She said that she'd be licking her boobs and pussy. Howard said she seems to know what she's doing.
Artie said that Alexis seems to have some big teeth and has a Baba Booey thing going on. Howard said she was beautiful and hot and didn't think that at all. Artie said he wasn't trying to be mean, he was just pointing out the teeth. Alexis said that she had her Invisaligns (braces) in today so that's why they looked so big.
Artie said he's just giving her the tough love that she can't get from her other friends. Justine said that maybe they don't need tough love. Artie may have been trying to knock them down a notch. Howard asked more about the sex that they were going to have and then got back to the Harry Potter questions.
Howard asked Justine ''Who is the grand sorcerer?'' and she got it wrong so Artie went over to spank her. Howard said that Alexis was very lucky to be going back to the hotel with Justine. Artie went over to spank her but Justine warned him that if he bruised her, he'd lose his balls. Artie was going easy on her so she told him he could hit her harder. He gave her a few whacks but she had an attitude toward him that was a bit off putting.
Howard gave Justine one more question and said that Artie could feel her up if she got it wrong. She said that she didn't want him doing that to her though.
Howard asked Justine about what she would do to Alexis and she was talking about all of the toys she has for her and what she would do with butt plugs, vibrators and things like that. Justine asked if Alexis could spank her instead of Artie. Howard let her do that and Alexis ended up licking her ass and spanking her a little bit.
Howard asked Justine ''Who is the captain of Griffendor's Crittage team?'' Justine said that the question wasn't right because it could be from different years. She said that it could have been one of two people. Howard asked her a different question about a gift that was given by some character in the Harry Potter books. She didn't know it and Howard wasn't giving her the multiple choice.
Howard asked Alexis what she was going to do with her butt plug with Justine. She said that she was going to push it in and out. Howard asked her what she would do if she found remnants on the plug. Justine said that's gross but it does happen once in a while. She didn't know the answer to the question so Artie was going to go over and feel her up.
Justine said that she wouldn't even look at Artie while he was doing it to her. She said that she was skeeved out by him while he was doing it. He also got to feel up Alexis. Justine said that his hands were really rough, dry and cracked.
Gary asked Howard how long he could buy into the Harry Potter stuff if he was with her. Howard said that he'd put up with that as long as he had to. He said he's pretty sure he'd be into whatever she wanted. Howard said he thinks he'd even let her have sex with other women as long as they were in front of him. Justine said that she's sure they could make that happen.
Justine said that she was in the Bowling Beauties show for Howard TV. That's coming up this month on Howard TV. The Howard TV guys showed some video of that and she wasn't wearing a top in the video. Justine said that it was actually pretty easy to bowl in those shoes they had. Howard said that he wanted to send a camera back to their room today so he could see what they do. They agreed to let them to that.
Howard said that they had some video of Artie feeling up Alexis and Justine from a few minutes before. Artie said that it was wrong in every way. Justine asked Artie if he has trouble remembering girl's names because he was calling Alexis ''the Mexican.''
Justine told Howard about how much she loves sucking cock and the amazing feeling she gets from someone when she's doing that. She said that she's had her jaw hurt from doing that stuff. She said that she's actually put in an hour or more doing that to guys.
Howard said that Alexis was rubbing Justine's thigh and it looked like she was very frustrated by it. Justine said that she hadn't had sex in about a week now so she was ready to go. The two of them kissed for a few seconds and seemed to get lost for a short time.
Justine was licking Alexis over her area but over the panties. Howard told the girls to let them listen in as they're doing this stuff back at the hotel today. He gave them some plugs for the web sites that they were plugging. They're going to be at The Romantic Depot in New Jersey today and tomorrow as well.
Justine said that Artie blew off her manager Leah and ended up giving her a $20 to catch a cab instead of going out with her and she had the 20 for Artie today. Artie said that he's spoken to Leah a few times since that day and he didn't do anything wrong. He said that he's getting a bad rap there and he doesn't deserve it.
Howard asked the girls what they weighed. Alexis was 95 and Justine was 110 pounds. Artie said that even added together he'd still have 100 pounds on them. Artie said that he's going to call Leah today and straighten all of this out. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back after that and had Shuli in with his Howard 100 News preview. He was filling in for Steve Langford who was down at the Kenneth Keith Kallenbach funeral. Shuli said that they've had some people coming forward to talk about some alleged poor treatment at the prison where Ken was being held.
Howard said that the Bleeding Deacons did a Kenneth Keith tribute song. He played that song which was to the tune of Elton John's ''Candle In The Wind.''
Artie said some nice words about Ken before Shuli got back to his news preview. Shuli read a story about some people who were on a USO tour and were attacked with mortar fire. Artie heard that and said that he'd be the last one out of the room if they came under attack.
Howard heard that Artie was really upset that Gary was still going on the USO tour. Artie said that wasn't the case and it's 100 percent false. He said that he got every comic he wanted on the tour and the one guy he wanted to go can't go anyway.
Gary said that he swears that he won't be upset if he doesn't want him to go. Artie said that it's just not true. There are no hard feelings and he's not sure he wants to go after hearing the story that Shuli just told. Gary said that it gives him a little pause when he hears something like that. Gary said that he's not taking up a comedian's spot, he's taking up Artie's friend's spot.
Howard heard that Artie has a tear in his pants and his underwear was sticking out too. Artie said he only has 2 pair of pants that fit and they're wearing out. Howard took a look at them as Artie was pulling them up and they really were falling apart. Howard told him that he has to get some new pants.
Crazy Alice called in and said hello to her Fred and Artie and then said that she felt like she wanted to kick the shit out of Teddy when Artie was going off on him. She said that he lied to her about the size of her limo the day it was supposed to pick her up. Howard said he had no idea what Alice had just said. Artie said that she was saying that it's not true that she only likes him because he bought her a bunch of Yankees stuff.
Artie asked Alice what happened with Teddy out in California. She said that she waited two days for Teddy to call her about going to see this show that Artie did. She said that she was so mad that the car never showed up to pick her up that she was burning up.
Alice was going off on a bunch of people including Ralph and Teddy. She said she really doesn't care about Ralph liking her but Howard said she was making it sound like she actually did care. Howard let her go a short time later. Howard said he only caught about 30 percent of what Alice said because it was mostly garbled.
Artie asked Shuli more about the mortar fire story and then Shuli got back to his report. He said that they have a Page 69 blind item about a high level exec there at SIRIUS who has been seen leaving the bathroom without washing his hands.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview after that. He ran down the subjects they were going to try and cover on today's show.
Howard started to do his impressions of his parents and had them talking about the parting of the hairs down in the crotch area. Howard said he had one chick who had a blonde bush and it was almost like she didn't have a bush. That's when he realized that he'd prefer them to be shaved down there.
Howard played the prank call the guys made to a phone sex line using the clips of him doing the impression of his mother.
Robin read a story about Angie Everhart being arrested on a DUI charge. Howard said that he thinks that it's very hard to get over him. Maybe that's why she's driving drunk. Robin read a story about Scott Weiland being sentenced to 8 days in jail for a DUI charge.
Robin asked Artie and Fred when they knew they were in love. Artie gave an explanation about how you don't want to be with anyone but that one person. Fred said that it was the same thing after making a joke about getting a blow job during a Yankee game. Fred said that he forgot about his friends and that's when he knew that he was in love. That led to a whole discussion about that because Fred never really had any friends according to Howard. They spent a short time on that but then Howard asked Robin to move on.
Robin got back into her news and read the story about the whore suing Joe Frances from Girls Gone Wild for putting out the old video he had of her from when she was just 17.
Robin read some news about Pastor Wright who has caused Barack Obama some problems with the stuff he's said. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Robin read a story about the gas prices going up to $10 within a couple of years. Howard had mentioned that earlier in the show and Robin thought he had read the story before he made that prediction. Howard swore on the life of his kids that he didn't read that. Robin said that the story says that they are predicting that gas may go up that high in just a couple of years. The prices are already getting up to $4 a gallon in some areas.
Robin read a story about a guy in Chile who is giving out free Viagra to people who can't get it up. She had a story about Miley Cyrus getting a lot of heat over the semi-nude pictures that she did with Annie Liebowitz. They spent a little time on that playing audio clips of people like Hillary Duff commenting on the story. After playing the Hillary Duff clip Howard said he had no idea what she had just said.
Robin read a story about Roger Clemens and the young girl he was involved with. She had a story about Uma Thurman's stalker and what was going on with that. She said that the guy is on trial now for stalking her. Robin had a story about a dolphin that was killed at Sea World when it collided with another dolphin. That happened right before some people were supposed to get in the water and go swimming with the dolphins. Howard said he was going to go swimming with the dolphins one time but he chickened out at the last minute. Howard said ''Dolphins are just sharks with good publicists.''
Robin asked Howard what they're going to do at his wedding as far as who will marry them. Howard said that he asked Mark Conseulos to marry them and they might use him. He said that he's not going to do a Jewish wedding or anything like that. They will have a legal wedding but he thought it would be funny if Mark did the ceremony. Artie said that Dice once did a wedding for someone. He did an impression of what that might sound like if he were doing the ceremony.
Robin had some news about Dancing with the Stars. Robin had some audio of Robert Downey Jr. talking about the new Iron Man movie. She also talked about a movie about Mixed Martial Arts called ''Redbelt'' and Scott Ferrall is in the movie. Robin had a story about the movie ''Baba Mama'' which led to them playing a clip of Lorne Michaels. The guys said they had heard that Mike Myers was doing an impression of Lorne when he does his ''Dr. Evil'' character and they think that's pretty spot on.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said that Jackie used to put his stickers all over bathroom stalls when he'd stop somewhere to use a bathroom. Jon asked Gary how Jackie looked today. Gary said he looked old. Jon said that Jackie was claiming that he's been told he looks 10 years younger now than he did when he was doing the show. Gary said he doesn't know about that but he doesn't look 60.
Jon and Gary talked about Jackie talking about dating Robin. Gary said he's not sure that would have ever happened. Gary said that Jim is a good looking guy in his opinion but he's pretty sure there are guys out there who are thinking they should have taken a shot at going out with Robin.
Gary said that it was his idea to ask Jackie what he's turned down in the past year. He said that he wanted Jackie to mention 3 things he'd turned down but he didn't have 3 because he doesn't turn down much.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Jackie about turning down the show and that being the only thing he's ever really turned down.
Gary said that he doesn't think that Jackie turned down that other job because he didn't want to do it, he turned it down because it was out of town. Gary talked about the story that Jackie was telling about going back to work at Governor's comedy club on Long Island. He said that he was making a big deal out of it but he's just going back to a club that he used to play regularly.
Jon said that Fred was saying that he and Jackie had patched things up. Gary said that they never would have known that if they didn't bring it up today. Gary thinks that Fred was mad at Jackie for a while but he's apparently gotten over that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Nancy's date that she won on the show. Gary said that there was no update because they haven't gone out on their date yet. They've been going back and forth in e-mail but haven't done the date yet.
The caller also asked what happened with Scott the Engineer's dog. Gary said he didn't know. Jon asked Scott to come down to talk about that. They thought that he had gotten some money from the North Shore Animal League to get the operation the dog needed.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's surprised that they had that self promoting asshole (Jackie) on the show today. He said that he doesn't think that he was all that good on the show and he was being mean to some of the people on the show.
The guy said that if Artie had left the show he would have canceled his subscription. He wouldn't have done that for Jackie. The guy said that he knew Artie back in high school and he thinks that he's great on the show.
The caller asked if that all caused a rift in his marriage. Scott said it really didn't. He said that she was very emotional about it but things are fine. He said that they have to take the operations in steps and it's still going to cost them a lot of money.
Jon asked Scott what he thought about seeing Jackie today. Scott said that he thought it was good to see him after not getting to see him every day. He said that he has seen him around there before though so it wasn't like he hadn't seen him at all.
Jon took another call about Jackie and the guy thought that Howard took it pretty easy on him. Gary said that they were just having fun with him and there was no reason to go off on the guy.
Another caller said that he thought Jackie was awesome on the show and he thinks that he's so much better than Artie is. He thought that Jackie would have caught on to some of the jokes that Howard was throwing out there that Artie didn't catch on to. Gary said that the show isn't a test though.
Gary said that people always compare Jackie and Artie but they're completely separate entities. Artie didn't start the next day after Jackie left. They do two entirely different things on the show. Artie redeveloped the ''Jackie chair'' for himself. The caller said that Artie has to get a sleep study done on him because he seems to have sleep apnea. Gary said that he had a test done and they said that's not his problem. The caller said that he should have the test redone then.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Howard was saying that Jackie seems to be very afraid of success. The caller thinks that Artie is the same way. Gary said that he thinks that Jackie wants success, he just doesn't get that level that he wants. Gary said that a lot of comedians have doubts about their careers. He said he remembers Jackie making excuses for why people weren't going to show up at his shows.
Gary asked the guys if they think that Artie thought about the Jackie thing and that's the only reason he came back to the show after his recent meltdown. Jon said that he thinks that Artie did bring that into his thought process but they'd have to ask him about it. Benjy said that he doesn't think that came into it at all for Artie.
Benjy asked if they think that Jackie would come back if he was asked to come back now. Gary said that he's not sure about that. Gary said that he thinks that Jackie is probably getting paid less now than he was when he was on the show but he's still out playing gigs and stuff. He said that he would probably be making more if he was still on the show.
Jon took some more calls and let some people talk about Jackie. There was one guy who asked why Artie doesn't come in anymore. Gary said that he probably doesn't come in because Teddy is the board op and doesn't want to look at him. He said he was just joking about that. Artie is still working on his book and he's very busy so he doesn't have time to do it every day.
A caller said that the show is completely different than it used to be and it was much better in the past. He said that he's not a fan of the new format. He said that it's kind of disappointing to him now. He said he loved Jackie when he was on and he feels that something is missing now. Gary said that's fine to have that opinion but things have to evolve. He said that things can't stay the same forever. He said that if they still had Jackie and Billy West there, the guy might be calling in and complaining that they're still doing the same stuff.
The caller said it was great when Howard would go after Arsenio Hall and OJ Simpson and people like that when no one else was doing that. He said that it seems like Howard is very conservative now. He said that he used to be like one of the audience but now he's a different guy.
The caller was going on and on about the way the show has changed. Jon eventually let him go and took another call. The next caller said that Jackie used to do a lot of clapping at his stupid jokes when he was on the show. He seemed to be more of the background noise on the show than anything else. He said that it wasn't a great role for him.
Gary said that Jackie wasn't there just to clap and stuff, he was there to write jokes. He said that Howard didn't really like it when Jackie would laugh at the lines he was writing though. He said that Jackie would do that to sell the joke to the audience. They had to go to a break a short time later.
Jon shifted gears to Justine Jolie and Alexis Love. He asked Will if he expected them to act the way they did. Will said that they were getting pretty close to a porn scene there. He said that Justine did drop to her knees and started licking the panty area.
Gary said that Justine was all over Artie attacking him about stuff and the other girl looked like a hostage at one point. Shuli said he liked when Artie said that the girl had teeth like Gary and then said that she must know she looks like Gary. The guys think that he was attacking her because of the attacks that Justine was making on him.
Jon went to the phones again and took a call from a guy who thought Artie was acting like a pussy with those girls and not dishing it out better than he was. Will thought Artie was holding back a little bit. He could have gone off on Justine more than he did.
Gary said he doesn't think that Howard was telling the truth about how long he could take that Harry Potter stuff. Will said that she told him that she's got 3 versions of ever Harry Potter book that ever came out. Gary said that he's seen the movies and kind of knows them but not like Justine did.
Benjy said that he liked Justine, other than what she was doing to Artie, because she seemed very smart and had a great personality.
JD came in so Jon asked him about the notes he had about her. JD said that when she was on Geraldo's show he introduced her with the notes that he gave Howard and it wasn't that far off. They said that Justine kind of denied it at first but then she admitted that she had been abused and talked about it for a short time.
JD said that he was upset at first because that was information that he had given to Will. He said that Justine has a bit of an attitude. Gary said that she's like a female Jared Fox. JD said that she is kind of like him. He said that she was a little too skinny for him too.
The guys talked about this polyamory thing that Justine was talking about. Will said that it's the thing that any dude would want, just to be able to sleep with multiple chicks.
Another caller asked when the girls are going to be on Howard TV. Gary said that it should end up on Howard TV within 36 hours. The caller wanted to know where the girls were from their hotel after the show. Will said that they may be doing that tomorrow morning because the girls didn't have time to do it today. Gary said that they have a busy show tomorrow so if they do that, they'll have to do it early.
Another caller said that Justine was a cunt and she was being really mean to Artie. Shuli asked the guy if he'd rather have her speak her mind or be a phony. The guy said that he'd rather have her shut up and say nothing because he doesn't want to hear a snobby bitch on the show. Gary said that he just wants the girls to be themselves when they're on. The caller called her a cunt for about the 10th time after that.
Jon played a clip from the show where Justine was talking about being skeeved out by Artie touching her. They spent a few seconds on that and then took some more phone calls. One guy asked why they didn't have the girls ride the Sybian today. Gary said that Justine has ridden it before and they were thinking about it but they had so much else going on they didn't need to bring that into it.
Another caller said that he thinks that people are going to be out booing Justine when she does her thing at that place The Box. Will said that it's not a strip club, it's some kind of exclusive club that she dances at. The caller also complained about Justine saying ''Dude'' too much when she'd answer questions.
The caller had brought up the Artie meltdown show and that led to Gary talking about why he turned his back on Artie and how he kind of tried to hold him back by doing that instead of taking him on face to face.
Another caller said that Justine didn't look so good on Howard's web site. He went off on her a little bit and sang a little ''Baba Booey'' song for Gary as he was hanging up.
Another caller went off on Justine and said that she's like ''Daddy's little toilet'' and he'd like to piss on her. Gary didn't get why he was using the daddy reference there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Artie is much better on the show than Jackie was. He also said that he thinks that Sal and Richard are the voices of his generation and they rock. The guys sounded scared when they heard that.
A caller said that he was wondering why Artie only has 2 pair of pants. Gary said that he thinks that Artie has gotten to a weight where if he goes out and buys clothes, he'd be giving up. They talked about how his pants were falling apart and how he really needs to get some new clothes. Artie's sister is a designer. The guys talked about how Artie is always wearing the same clothes and never really changes.
A caller asked about the PDT not working with the Howard 101 replay. Gary said that he's not sure about that so he asked Jim McClure what's up with that. Jim said that they don't have the staff to do that like they do with the Howard 100 play.
Jon and Gary were talking about some of the accusations Jesse was making about Joe Walsh not supporting his daughter. Gary said that he thought Joe was very supportive of his daughter when she was there with him on their show. There was a theory that maybe The Eagles don't want Joe doing that show and that's why he's been kind of hiding from the cameras.
Benjy asked how a guy can go through his whole life without seeing their father's penis. Gary and Jon said that they had never seen their father's penises. Benjy said that he did. He doesn't remember the details of it but he knows he saw it.
A caller asked if he could see what Benjy does there on the show. He wants to see Benjy writing and Howard looking at the jokes and picking them out. Benjy said that he'd get very self conscious if he knew he was being filmed for that.
Gary talked about how Jackie would keep all of his jokes and he'd organize them so he could look them up later on. Will said that Benjy keeps all of his jokes too but they're not that organized. He keeps all of the jokes but keeps the boxes in his apartment.
Will said that Stuttering John used to save his jokes and he'd use them to show to Tom as his contributions to the show. He said that it never worked to get him a raise though.
Jon took one more call and the guy asked about who it was that Artie was saying had borrowed money from him. The guy guessed it was Sal, Scott or Ralph who had borrowed the money. Gary said that he can't say who it is but if that person wants to come forward, he'd love to hear the conversation on the air. Benjy said he doesn't think that Howard will ever admit to it. Gary said that they might be surprised at who it was. They had to wrap up the show after that.
Howard started off the show talking about seeing the movie ''Iron Man'' yesterday. He said that it was great. Artie wasn't there though. He said that he had to go home because 4 o'clock was a bad time for him. They talked about the movie and how good Robert Downey Jr. was in the movie.
The guys talked about how Robert Downey Jr. was in good shape and looking good too. Howard said that Leslie Bibb was looking good as well. Howard congratulated Jon Favreau on his directing the movie too. He thought that it was really good. He asked Robin if she thought that the original Batman, Spider-Man or Superman was the best super hero movie. Howard said that he'd have to go with Spider-Man as the best of the bunch. Fred picked that as well even though he hadn't seen Iron Man. Howard said it's still a great movie though. Robin picked Iron Man over Spider-Man. Howard said it's a toss up and he'd give it 5 penises.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about Jackie and the shitty movies he ends up getting involved with. Howard said Jackie mentioned he goes to Cannes over in France and there must be some section over there for really shitty movies.
The guys were doing their impressions of Jackie and making fun of those movies he's involved with. Artie said that he's actually in a movie that Jackie is in. Howard said that when Jackie does a movie you automatically know that it's going to be bad. He said that if Jackie was in Iron Man, he wouldn't have gone to see it.
Artie brought up the movie clip that they played yesterday when Jackie was in. That led to Howard replaying the clip from the movie that they played yesterday. The scene was supposed to be two senators talking to Jackie about performing a show for them and it sounded more like a mob scene with the Jersey accents that the guys had. Howard listened to it and asked who the fuck wrote that scene. He said he's got to get him in there.
Howard said that it's amazing that they'd have Jackie entertaining the President. Artie said that he thinks that the President would enjoy every one of Jackie's jokes. Gary told Howard that the movie is supposed to be a horror movie from what he's heard. The director was a fan of the show and he fit Jackie into the movie.
Howard was interrupting the clip and picking apart all of the performances in this movie. He was making fun of Jackie's ''multiple voice'' that he did at one point. Howard picked Jackie apart and goofed on everything about it.
Howard asked who wrote that thing a few times while he was playing through it. Everyone was piling on and goofing on everything about it. they had some music playing in the background that they said made it sound like a porn movie. Robin was laughing through some of the clip but she may have been laughing at how bad it was.
Artie asked if those jokes that Jackie told yesterday are jokes that he wrote. Robin and Howard said they weren't written by him and that he just ''collects jokes'' and tells them. Artie said that he's go to write some of his jokes.
Howard said that Jackie will do any shitty movie out there but on this show he had to negotiate. He doesn't understand that. He said that Jackie would probably talk about the great time he had on the set of that movie as an excuse though.
Howard took a call from a Syrus who said that he saw ''Iron Man'' yesterday and it was great. He said that he applies to every contest he can and that's how he got into the screening that he got into. Howard said he used to get upset when they'd let people see his movie for free. He said that he wanted them to charge everyone for it but they said that it was just a few thousand people.
Bobo called in and asked if Jackie would be invited to his wedding. Howard said probably not because he doesn't hang out with Jackie anymore. He said that Beth did meet him once when they first started dating but they don't hang that much now. Howard said that Jackie hung out with them at Dominic's house back around the time they first started dating.
Howard said that things weren't pleasant with Jackie toward the end of their working relationship. He said that it would be kind of strange to have Jackie there at the wedding. Robin said that if he's not going to have Benjy there, he shouldn't have Jackie there.
Howard talked about some of the strange things that Jackie used to do like having his table sticking out of one room out onto a porch because it was too big for the room. He said that they actually had the edge of the table going out the window. that's the kind of stuff that college students might do because they have no choice.
Howard and Robin talked about how they had to take a short cut to Jackie's house as a short cut. They used to have to park in a parking lot and then cut through some bushes to get there. Howard said that one year they brought out food on a garbage can lid and it was grotesque the way he lived. He said it was no wonder his nails were falling off.
Artie told a story about meeting Jackie over at Stuttering John's house. He said that John must have inherited that food serving on a garbage pail lid from Jackie. He said John was doing the same kind of things at his barbecue.
Howard told the story of going to Jackie's house to see the water view he had. They had to climb into his attic to see the water view. He said he had to crawl up into the attic on a ladder and then crawl through there to this little circular window to see the water. He said that Jackie would tell him where to look and that was his ''water view.'' Howard said that everything was weird about that cat.
Howard said that Jackie bought a bunch of shitty houses instead of just one nice one. He said they were like shanty houses and not all that nice. Robin said that they turned one into a studio for Jokeland that wasn't all that great.
Artie said that Jackie always seemed like he was happy. Howard said that was all bullshit. Fred said that he thinks that Jackie talks himself into being happy.
Robin reminded Howard of some of the things that Jackie would do out on the water where he lived. He would float out to his jetty with his beers in his teeth like a dog according to Howard. Artie said that there are people like that who seem like they're really happy and he's envious of people like that. He said he can't imagine being happy on the set of one of those movies that he made. He said that he can't be having fun there.
The guys talked about the movie that Howard did called ''Ryder P.I.'' Howard said that it was an awful movie that some guys convinced him to appear in and it was really bad. He said that he was only in it for about 3 minutes but they credit him like the movie was all about him.
Artie was talking about the stories he heard about Jackie keeping every joke he ever wrote on a piece of paper. He files them away in and keeps every one of them. He wondered if a fan would want all of that stuff. Howard said that maybe a huge fan would want them but he thinks that Jackie kept that stuff to prove that he was a big part of the show.
Gary came in and told a story that he told yesterday on the Wrap Up Show about Stuttering John keeping the jokes that he wrote to use as leverage for getting a raise. That never worked.
Howard talked about all of the jokes that Jackie kept in books and how he ended up having his basement flood one time. He said that Jackie was taking clothespins and hanging up all of the jokes on a clothes line to dry them out. Dominic Barbara was on the phone and he had seen that so he told Howard about what he saw in Jackie's basement that time.
Dominic said that he went over to help Jackie out with the flooding and there was about 3-4 feet of water in the basement and Jackie was there going through the stuff that was floating by. He'd see jokes and pieces of paper floating by and Jackie would pick it up and say ''Oh that was a great joke!'' and hang it on the clothes line.
Gary said that he thinks that Jackie is waiting for the museum of broadcasting to come and ask him for those jokes to hang in a museum. Howard said that they love Jackie and they only tell these stories for fun.
Howard played the audio clip where Paula made that mistake. In the clip Randy Jackson gives his reviews very quickly and then Paula comes on and says that she wasn't used to doing something like that and then talks about the second song that the one guy had performed. Paula said this was very hard for her. Then Simon asks her who she thought was her favorite.
Robin let out an ''Ohhhhhh'' as if she felt something was seriously wrong with Paula. She asked what Paula had to write down that was so hard. Artie said he has an opinion of what's going on there but he wasn't going to say what it was. He said it was very sad to hear her like that.
Artie talked about a gig he did when he was on heroin at one time and how fucked up he was and how awful he was at the show. He said he's not accusing Paula of being on heroin, he's just talking about an experience he had.
The caller asked what Paula had to write down that she wasn't able to keep up with. The guys said that they're not sure because she could have just written down good or bad.
Howard said the first thing was about someone on the show who was suspended for stabbing a girl with a pencil in the 5th grade. The caller guessed it was Sal at first. Then he changed to Ronnie the Limo Driver. Sal came in and said that he was right about that. Howard said that Ronnie has such rage that he's not surprised by that.
Howard said that Ronnie was driving him yesterday and he was swerving all over the road. He said he asked him what the problem was and Ronnie said there was nothing wrong but then said that he got cut off twice by some guy and asked him what he was supposed to do. Howard said he could have just slowed down and let the guy pass.
Ronnie said that he almost got pushed into a light pole and he didn't see what actually happened. Ronnie said that he doesn't tell Howard how to do his radio show so he shouldn't tell him how to drive. Robin asked him if he's the Howard Stern of limo drivers. Ronnie said ''Yeah.''
The guys asked where Ronnie stabbed this girl and why he did it. Ronnie said he didn't remember why but he said it was in the arm. It was in 5th grade and he doesn't remember all of the details. Artie said that they were really strict with that stuff back in the '30s. Ronnie said that Artie was all mad again this morning so he shouldn't talk.
Sal was goofing on Ronnie so Ronnie pointed out that he's the most fucked up guy there. Sal said that's how he got on the show.
Howard played a prank call the guys made with some Ronnie clips where he's talking about being Scoresman (Now Rick's Man) and what that's all about. They had Ronnie going off on a guy at a tattoo shop and the guy threatens to beat his ass.
Ralph called in and goofed on Ronnie about some of the stuff he was saying about the limo. He said that Ronnie called the privacy screen ''that stupid thing'' and he seems to get upset when it's up. Howard said that he hit it on the head and talked about how he's right because he seems to get into a rage when he puts that thing up.
Ronnie claims that he doesn't care about that divider but Howard said that he sees how he acts like he's not back there when the divider is up. Ronnie said that he could put the glass one up and not the dark one. Sal told Ronnie that Howard is telling him to be professional when he's driving. He's putting his life into Ronnie's hands and he's not acting like it's important.
Ronnie was goofing on Sal about things he does on the show so Sal told him he needs to see a psychologist. Ronnie said he does do that every week. Howard told him to get out of there but then he talked about his voice being shot and how he thinks that he has a cold. Ronnie said he doesn't have a cold but he's not sure what's wrong with him. Howard told Ronnie that the divider was up again and told him to get out of the studio.
Howard got back to Ralph and talked to him about ''Iron Man'' for a short time. Ralph asked why they're not begging to get Robert Downey Jr. on the show. Howard said he thinks that he may have had a bad experience on the show the last time he was on.
Howard said that he was out to dinner one night and saw Downey out eating. Downey over to the table and said hello to him and they spent a few minutes talking. Then he came in to promote a movie some time later. He said that he talked to Downey about his jail time and he may have gotten offended by him dwelling on that for so long. He thinks that he didn't like the interview.
Gary came in and said that he remembers Downey getting really upset with the way his wife was treated in the green room while they were there before the show. He said that Robert got really offended when someone didn't know that the woman with him was his wife. He went into the interview all pissed off after that. Howard said he didn't know that's what happened.
Howard asked what happened to the guy who was playing the game. He thought he had hung up on him. He got the guy back on and asked who was suspended for calling their art teacher a fag in the school auditorium? The caller guessed that it was Will. Sal said it was actually Jon Hein!
Sal said that Jon is a kind of dark person and he has a real odd sense of humor. He didn't want to say anything that would slander him though.
Jon came in and told Howard that they were doing a variety show at the school and he just kind of randomly said that the guy was a fag. He said it got a laugh in the show but then he went to school and was told to go to the principal's office and he could have detention or a suspension. He said that he never told his parents about that.
Howard read that Jon was in an improv group after college. Jon said that it was a sketch comedy troop that he was in. He said that he played all kinds of different parts. He said that he was a better writer than a performer. He said he did that for about a year and then got married and got a job.
Howard had the third question which was ''Who was suspended for teasing their bus driver with a penis puppet?'' The choices were Sal, Richard or Benjy. The guy on the phone said that he thought it was Benjy. Sal said that it was actually Sal.
The next one was ''Who was suspended for forging letters and faking signatures to explain why they had missed school?'' The choices were Gary, Jason or Fred. The caller said that he was going to say it was Jason. Sal said that it was actually Gary. The caller wasn't doing too well with the game.
Gary came in and told the story about the late notes. Gary said that his mother used to write him late notes and then stopped doing them. He said that he wrote like 50 of them and he ended up getting suspended for a day because of it. He also got suspended for calling a kid the N-word. He said that they were both using racial slurs and the other kid ended up beating the shit out of him. He took two days off after the teacher asked him to do that voluntarily. Gary said that the other guy called him a ''honky motherfucker'' so he called the guy the N-word and got his ass beaten.
The next one was ''This person was suspended for throwing a snowball at a school secretary and shooting a water pistol at a teacher.'' The guy guessed it was Artie and got it right. Artie said that he was trying to hit his friend with the snowball and it ended up hitting the secretary in the side of the neck. He got suspended for that.
Artie said that the other story was about Ms. Fullcomer and she was a lovely woman. He said that she was like a delicate flower. He said that you had to commit murder to get kicked out of her class. He said that he failed every semester back then and he used to bust her balls on an insane level back then. He said that she asked the kids if they wanted to be called by any nicknames. He said he wrote down ''Skipper'' as his name. He said he did that as a goof. he'd raise his hand just to get her to call him skipper and then he and his friends would laugh their asses off.
Artie said that he brought a water pistol in one day and said he wanted to see what he could get away with in the class. He said Ms. Fullcomer was up at the podium in the classroom and she was talking to the class. He put his book up to block the view of the water pistol and he started to squirt her in the face. He said that he had direct hits on her face and she'd stop for a moment and the water would drip down. Then she finally started crying. Artie said he had to stop doing it and the teacher told him he just had to get out of there. He said he went to the office and the guy in the office asked what he did to get kicked out because no one gets kicked out.
Artie said that he had to apologize to the woman and he ended up getting suspended for like a week. He said his mother got really pissed at him and his father made him get up to go to work with him since he wasn't going to school.
Artie said his sister was really upset about it too because she had Ms. Fullcomer after he did. The teacher was upset that she had Mr. Lange's sister in the class. Artie said that he and his buddies ran up to the window of her classroom and asked to come in. The teacher ran out and got security because she didn't want him in there.
Howard said that he got into some trouble in class one time. He said that this teacher would tell them that if the class wanted her attention they just had to ring a bell. They would ring it really loud and bang on it and he later found out that she went to a mental institution or something.
Howard said that the next story was ''This person told another student that he was going to fuck them in the ass.'' That one was Richard and it was an easy one to figure out. Howard said he didn't even want to hear the whole story.
The next story was ''This person got into trouble for drawing a picture of a girl and writing mean things about her.'' The choices were Scott, Robin or Jason. Artie said that he thought that it was someone in Girls Night Out. It could have been Robin or Jason. The caller guessed it was Scott the Engineer. It turned out to be Robin. The caller didn't win but Howard gave him the prize money anyway. He wrapped up with him and got in a plug for the sponsor, Cash4Gold.com, and put the guy on hold.
Howard said he doesn't think that he was ever suspended from school. Artie said that he could have really gotten screwed because this Ms. Fullcomer was his summer school teacher. He said that she told them to just sit in the back of the class and d nothing and she'd pass them with a D. He said she really could have just failed him. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard also played the clip where a news anchor says ''Swartzenigger'' instead of ''Schwarzenegger'' when she's talking about Governor Schwarzenegger.
Howard had a clip from David Letterman's show where this guy Ira Glass is talking about Howard Stern. Artie came walking in about then with a cupcake and some water. He's on a health kick now and drinking water instead of Hawaiian Punch. Artie said that he already had the Hawaiian Punch this morning with his bagel.
Artie said that he got a picture of this fat kid who is in all of these Judd Apatow movies. The kid said that he's working on not being the Artie Lange of the Apatow gang. Howard told Artie he should play his dad in a movie. Artie said he'd love to.
Howard talked about the cupcake that Artie had and how cute it was with the little marshmallow on top. Artie said that the cream in the middle of the cupcake is just too much. He said it's almost too ''in your face'' for him. He said that with a mouth full of cupcake.
Howard played the clip of Ira Glass talking about him on Letterman. Letterman asked him about who his influences were and that's when he mentioned Howard Stern. He got applause from about one person in the audience there at Letterman. Ira is on public radio but he said that he thinks that a lot of people tune between public radio and Howard's show. Ira talked about how good Howard's show and how they've borrowed some stuff from his show.
Howard thanked Ira for admitting that he's stolen some stuff from the show. He appreciates that when they can admit to something like that. He finished up the clip and said that he can't stand these guys who act like they've never heard his show. At least this guy admitted it.
Ralph asked Artie why he doesn't drink milk with his cupcake because that would be awesome. Artie said he's never really thought about that and he doesn't really like milk but he does like chocolate milk.
Howard read some other e-mail about some of the stuff that's been going on. Some people went off on him about his therapy, his engagement to Beth and a few other things.
Howard had some positive feedback about Jackie's appearance on the show yesterday. Some people want Jackie back on the show. Howard said he's fine with Jackie coming in once a year or so.
Howard had the director of the movie that Jackie was in on the phone. The guy, Sal, called in yesterday too. He told Howard about the movie a little bit and then Howard asked him why he would let the one character screw up a line and not reshoot it. Sal said that he did that because the guy was supposed to be a bit of a buffoon anyway. Howard asked Sal what he really does for a living. He said that he works for the MTA there in New York City. Howard said he figured it was something like that.
Howard got back to the mail and read some stuff about Justine Jolie and Alexis Love. That led to Artie talking about the comments he was making about Alexis' teeth. He said he thought it was going to be funny at the time but he may have gone over the line. He said that she obviously had teeth problems because she had those Invisalign things on.
Howard read some mail about the song that Fred plays whenever they have a Hispanic person in. The writer thought it was an Italian song he was playing but Fred proved the guy wrong and played that song and the song that the guy thought it was.
Howard read some mail about Eric the Midget and how ungrateful he is about everything. Fred said he agrees with the guy and said that Eric should just do the movie and not make a big deal out of it.
Howard said that was fine but Riley said that Gary hadn't gotten back to him about doing that. Howard asked the guys who are handling his contract to get on that so they can get him back on the air.
Howard said that the Bowling Beauties special is looking really good. He said that if they can make this movie look that good then they'll be all set. Doug said that they could do a big premiere for the movie and things like that if they wanted.
Howard told Doug to just handle everything and make it happen. He said he wants nothing to do with it. Howard had Eric the Midget (JFSC.tv) on the phone too so he told him about the news that they might have Steve Gutenberg on board to appear in the movie. Robin said that would be quite a line up.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted to say. Then he asked Doug what was going on and asked how he can get out of that loop that Doug has him in. He said he's in the loop from hell.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted to say. Eric said that he heard that one of the people being an asswipe is the guy sitting behind him making the noises. He said that Fred is being an asswipe. Fred said that Eric is being like Brando now and being disagreeable about the stuff they're asking him to do.
Fred asked Eric if he was going to read those lines from the movie that Howard asked him to. Eric said that he could do that. Fred started to laugh when he heard Eric's phone vibrating in the background. Artie said that it was him making the prank calls but Eric said that it was just some dumb ass fan out there. He said that it shows ''unknown caller'' on the screen.
Howard asked Eric to do some of his lines from ''Taxi Driver'' for them. Eric said that he just got lines so he was going to do whatever it was they sent to him. Eric said he was going to close his eyes so they could tell he wasn't reading off the paper. Eric screwed up one of the lines but Howard told him they could do another take. Artie kept telling Eric ''Bye, see ya later!'' but Howard told him to let him do his lines.
Howard told Eric that he's in no matter what and he will be playing the part of Travis Bickle. Eric had never seen the movie so Howard said he might want to rent it.
Eric went off on Fred about how he hasn't been making any demands lately. Fred said that he has because he said that he couldn't do this movie in June. Eric said that he's got stuff going on and he can't help that. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Lisa G was in with her Howard 100 News preview so Howard asked her if she knows exactly how many guys she's been with. Lisa said she wasn't going to play this game. Artie said that Lisa wanted him to go out with her. He said that she asked him to go shopping for clothes with him. Artie said that he has no desire to shop for new pants or anything. He said he can't go shopping for jeans because you look so bad in them at that weight.
Artie said that he's got two pair of cargo pants that he loves and that's what he's sticking with. He said that he thinks that Lisa asked him out on a date and that's what the clothes shopping was really about.
Howard wondered if Lisa is a virgin. She said that she's not and he was being crazy. She said that she's been in relationships and she's not a virgin. She said that she's never dated a black guy and said that she's said that before.
Howard told Fred that he has to play that game with the number of sex partners. Howard said that he thinks that women know exact numbers while some guys might not be so fickle and might not know the total. Howard said that he lost track of how many chicks he's been with. He said that he's not a whore but Robin said that he was for a while.
The guys asked Artie how many hookers he's been with. Artie said that he's going to guess that it was like 8 hookers. He said that he's gotten blow jobs from strippers at bachelor parties and stuff and those probably number in the hundreds. He said that he would never wear a rubber with Dana but with hookers, he doesn't wear one for a blowie but with intercourse he would.
Artie said that he's never had any herpes but he has had clamidia. He said that he had to go and get a shot after he got that.
Artie said he may have been exaggerating about the number of blow jobs but it was probably over 50. Howard tried to get more information out of Lisa but she said she doesn't get why he's so interested in that.
Gary told Howard he had some pictures of a guy who had clamidia. He brought them in to show the guys and Howard was shocked when he saw the picture. Artie said that it had to be very advanced stages. Then he saw it and said that he was in that neighborhood.
Artie told a story about who it was that he may have gotten it from. He said it could have been a hooker or this girl he was seeing at the time. He said that he knows that the chick is still alive even though he never told her about it. Artie said that he went to the doctor and he didn't think that it was that big of a deal. He said that a couple of his buddies had been with that hooker and with the chick that he had banged too so it still wasn't clear which of the girls gave it to him.
Gary had clamidia at one time too so he told the story about that. He said that he had to take some medication for it an his urine ended up turning fire engine red.
Howard asked Lisa for her headlines. She said that they found Donald J. Barnett who Howard said was his mentor the other day. Lisa said he had some nice things to say about Howard. Howard said that the guy was really nice to him and a good guy. The guy is now working in the newspaper business according to Lisa.
Lisa said that director David Mamet is a fan of Howard's. He put Scott Ferrall in a movie that he made recently. Lisa said that David thinks Howard is a great actor. Howard asked why these guys don't put him in movies then if they think he's a great actor. Then he said that he's not sure he'd even do another movie at this point in his life. He said he thinks he's over that whole thing now.
Lisa said that she spoke to Tabitha Stevens about the three hours she spent with Robin and Jim Florentine one night recently. Robin said that she didn't know it was that long, they were just sitting around and talking. Lisa said that Tabitha claims that she was the one doing most of the talking and Robin was just listening.
Howard asked Robin what she learned from Tabitha. Robin didn't remember anything. Artie said that he's hung out with Tabitha and it was the weekend that she claimed that she had thrown up shit. He said that she's a great person but it was really annoying to hang out talking to her.
Howard said he hung out with her one night and she just talked for about a half hour or so and didn't stop talking. He said that she wasn't sexual with him at all but then she can be sexual with Jeff the Drunk. He said that she was very talkative.
Howard said that Robin is getting into a weird area because she's hanging out with porn stars. He said that she hung out with Nick Manning the Dropping Loads guy one night and now with Tabitha.
Lisa said that Tabitha is good friends with Jim Florentine so Howard found that kind of odd. The guys were wondering if Robin is trying to fend off the other women from Jim's life and that's why she was hanging out with Tabitha. Robin said it was nothing like that at all.
Lisa reported that Robin and Jim were holding hands under the table while Tabitha was there with them. Howard said he'd be doing the same thing.
Artie said that Howard invited him out one night and he was dating this chick Denise at the time. He said that he told Denise about going out and asked her not to do anything out of the ordinary that would get him into trouble. He said that they went to this club called Go. He said that they were all sitting around and Howard and Beth started making out. Artie said that everyone started making out so Denise asked him what they should do so he said that he started making out and may have gotten a little too crazy. Everyone left and Howard said on the air that it was gross to see him doing that. He said that Howard told him it looked like he was trying to eat her or something.
Robin said that it sounded kind of gross with everyone making out like that. Artie said it wasn't gross but even Howard said that it did sound kind of gross to him. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Wayne about how long he's been doing the magic thing Wayne said that it's been about 10 years that he's been making money doing it and he's only 26. He said that he's been doing this stuff since he was a kid.
Wayne said that he finds David Blaine to not have much of a personality but he doesn't claim to be better than him or anything. He said that he does a lot of mentalism stuff and he can do some crazy stuff. He said he got his start as a kid doing the magic thing. Then he went and took some psychology classes in college and thought it was pretty cool. He said he studied up on a bunch of stuff about people and found out a lot of very interesting things.
Howard said that Wayne was going to do two things with some girls from Rick's Cabaret. The first girl, Lacey, who came in said that she doesn't work for Ricks but the club she works at is owned by them. The second girl was Brooke and she was from Tootsies in Miami as well. The girls said that their friends were there with them too and they wanted to come in. The third girl, Pamela, was from Rick's. She said that she's not sure that she'd give him an aggressive lap dance after he asked her about that. She said that she's more of a personality than anything. Howard said he didn't get that. She said that she has to be won over before she'll give a lap dance to someone. Wayne said the world seems to be changing. He didn't know you had to wine and dine a stripper.
Wayne said that he was going to do his thing and asked the girls if they knew what color underpants they were wearing. Pamela said that she didn't know. Wayne said that he wasn't sure he'd be able to do it then. Wayne said he was going to write down his answers and they'd open them up when he was done. He had the girls look at him and he wrote down his first choice for Lacey who he was referring to as ''letter A.'' He said that he wasn't going to touch them until the end of this. He said he's not bullshitting about this either, it's all legitimate stuff.
Wayne said that he wanted to know what color Lacey was wearing. He said that he had given his answer on the piece of paper so he wasn't making this up. Lacey pulled down her pants and she was wearing pink panties. Wayne said that he loves his job while he was doing this.
Wayne said he wasn't sure about the second girl's panties. He wrote down the answer and gave it to the guys to hold. Brooke took her pants off and she was wearing yellow panties. Wayne said that he made his prediction earlier and he hopes that he can get this third one. Pamela wasn't sure what color she was wearing but Wayne had her think and then wrote something down.
Pamela said that Wayne should have known what color she was wearing. She pulled down her pants and Wayne admitted that he got that one wrong. She said she thought they were blue so that's why Wayne may have had a problem.
Artie read the pieces of paper and saw that Wayne had gotten the first one right with Pink. Howard and Gary said that they think that Wayne just wrote down the answers after he saw the panty colors. Wayne didn't understand what they were saying so Howard explained how he just wrote something down on the first one and wrote the letter C. Then he saw the first one and wrote that down with the second note and got that one right and then moves on to the second and gets that one right.
Sal came in and told Wayne to guess at one girl without having the piece of paper to write down on. Wayne guessed white with Robin but she said he was wrong.
Wayne said that he can guess how many sexual partners a person has had too. He said that he uses psychology and stuff to do that. Howard gave him a plug for his web site WayneHoffman.com. He said you can pre-order his DVD through his web site.
Howard got in a plug for Rick's Cabaret there in New York. He talked to the girls about the club and gave them some plugs.
Fred said that maybe Wayne could help them out by guessing how big the girl's nipples were. Howard guessed that Lacey's were really small. She said they were actually big but when she showed them they weren't all that big according to Howard. Howard took a guess at the rest of the girls and they all took their tops off to show them.
Howard showed his nipples and one of the girls said they were so pink and beautiful. Pamela took her top off and asked for a drum roll before she did that. She told them that she has a huge ''oriola'' but didn't really show them what she had. Artie said he wanted to punch her in the face and that she was the most annoying guest they've ever had.
Ronnie came in and told Pamela that she has to show them her nipples. Howard asked him what he was doing. Ronnie told her to do it but Howard told her to leave her alone. Pam told Ronnie to show them first. Artie was right, she was annoying.
Sal asked to guess who was shaved and not shaved. Howard asked the guys to give him back control of his own show since they seemed to be hijacking it from him. He wrapped up with everyone and gave them their plugs and then went to break.
Howard had Beetlejuice come in after that. He said that he heard that Beetlejuice had just purchased a house. Howard asked Beet if everything was good with him because he heard that they did a benefit show for him recently. Artie said that they did that a couple of weeks ago and they raised some money for Beet.
Beetlejuice has apparently bought a house down in Florida. Beet said that's right and that's where he's going to live. He said that the house is the biggest one in the world. Howard asked Beet if he's saving any of his money. Beet said he is so Howard said that's what he was afraid of.
Howard heard that Beet was charged $200 for a lap dance at a club recently and Shuli had to say something to them about ripping the guy off. The girls apparently told him that they had given him 10 dances at $20 each so that's why it was that much.
Howard said that he heard that the Iron Sheik had shared a room with Beet but Beet was yelling that it wasn't with him, it was with some other guy. Howard asked Beet about that but Beet was acting very belligerent and denying the story.
Howard had the Iron Sheik on the phone so he asked him about the night he spent with him. Sheik said that he has traveled 10 times around the world and that night with Beetlejuice was the roughest night he's ever had. Beetlejuice was talking over him and yelling that it wasn't him at all.
Sheik was saying that Beetlejuice was talking all night and wouldn't sleep. Beet was yelling at him about stuff that wasn't making any sense at all. He told Sheik to shut the fuck up at one point. Beetlejuice said that Sheik was walking around their room naked. Sheik said that he had to do that to take a shower.
Beet was calling Sheik names and yelling at him about stuff that he's seen him do out on the road. Sheik was calling him names too and they went back and forth with their nonsense for a few minutes.
Howard asked Beet if he'll ever share a room with him again. Beet said that he can get his own room from now on. Sheik continued to yell as Beet was giving his side of the story and Beet was making fun of Sheik and telling him he runs around like a little bitch.
The Howard TV guys had some video of Sheik naked so they showed that to the guys in the studio. Sheik was yelling about what a worthless shit Beetlejuice is. Howard asked the guys about going to Yucko the Clown's upcoming wedding but Sheik was still yelling at Beetlejuice. Beet told him to go back to wrestling and called him a fag a few times.
Sheik ended up hanging up the phone because he was so pissed. He actually just dropped the phone. Howard wasn't sure what happened there so he kept asking Sheik to get back on the phone. Beet said that's because he shut him up. Howard said he thinks that Sheik is there on the line but as he listened it sounded like he was just in the room yelling at someone else.
Howard said that Sheik is angrier than even Ronnie is. Beetlejuice said that he thinks that guy needs help but he doesn't want it. He said that they've tried to help him out and talk sense to him but it doesn't work. He said that Sheik had some guy come up to him asking for a picture and Sheik told the guy to go fuck himself.
Howard said that he could still hear Sheik in the background but he wasn't sure what the problem was. He said he may not know that his phone is off the hook.
Howard said he's never seen Beetlejuice so rational before. He asked him about this midget Dominic that hangs out with him. Beet said that he's not really friends with him. Artie said that he heard that Dominic was there to straighten Beetlejuice out.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice shit on his own shoe and blamed it on Dominic. Beetlejuice said that he does that to a lot of people. Dominic came in a short time later and said that Beetlejuice is known for doing that stuff. He said that he'll catch the blame even if he was 40 miles away at the time it happened. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard the two of them arguing about how shit on Beet's shoe.
Howard asked Beet if he's ever told Dominic that he's the guy who brings in the money there. Beetlejuice put the blame on him for the shoe shitting stuff. Dominic said that he's got to be pretty fast to drive 40 miles and back just to shit on his shoe. Howard figured it was Beetlejuice's shit but Beet said that Dominic is a nasty cock sucker and he will do that shitting thing with him.
Howard said he didn't know that it was Dominic who had been shitting in Beet's pants all these years. He always thought it was Beetlejuice. He asked Dominic why he would do that. Dominic said he guesses he needs help and he should stop doing that. Howard said he really should stop doing that because it's making Beet look bad.
Dominic played along with Howard and the guys and said that he really should stop shitting in Beet's pants and making him look bad. He said that he was going to do it again in about 15 minutes. Howard figured it was going to be about 10 minutes the way Beet was drinking his coffee.
Howard had the Iron Sheik back on the phone so he asked him if he was okay. Sheik said he was fine but then went off on Beet again. Beetlejuice said that Sheik got his ass kicked on stage one time and Shuli would tell that story.
Sheik and Beet went at each other again for a short time. Then Sheik's phone went dead again. Sheik was still there though and he was back on a few seconds later yelling at Beetlejuice. Sheik was screaming at Beet but Beet just told him he sounds like a cry baby. He even did a little bit of an impression of him that was pretty funny.
Artie asked Dominic to shit in Robin's pants since he had that magical power. Howard asked Beet why it's only Beet's pants that he shits in. Dominic said that's because he's very special.
Howard said that the Sheik is going to be at the Raddison Hotel in Carteret, New Jersey this weekend from 9am to 4pm.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice isn't singing anymore. He said that Richard tried to get him to sing but he wasn't working with him. Beet said that he has his own group and songs and he didn't want to perform them there. Beet did sing a song about Dominic shitting his pants real quick though.
Dominic said that Beetlejuice is doing okay for himself as far as the money thing. Howard asked him to please stop shitting in Beet's pants from now on. Beetlejuice said that he thinks that he will still do it though. Howard told Beet he's the greatest and gave him a plug for some upcoming gigs he had. You can find out more at RevBobLevy.com or JollyDwarf.com.
Howard wrapped up with Beet and Dominic. Dominic said that they're actually looking for some more little people there at JollyDwarf.com. He said that they'd prefer people who won't shit in Beet's pants.
Howard and Artie asked Dominic some questions and found out that he's had pretty tall women and one of them was like 6'7'' tall. He said that he's never had a little person before. It turns out Beet and Dominic knew each other when they were kids but they weren't very close back then. Dominic said he used to just say hello and goodbye to him. Beet said that it was more like hello and ''get the fuck away from me.''
Howard gave the guys some more plugs and spent another couple of minutes talking to Beet about the comedy shows that he does. Artie said he's got a whole act that he does and it reminds him of Eddie Griffin. Beet said that's exactly who he's like.
Beetlejuice was still going off on Dominic but Dominic said that Beet is his friend and anyone who fucks with Beet will have to fuck with him first. He said he's got his back. Beetlejuice said that he's got his own back.
A caller told Howard that he saw Beet buying some papers the other day. Beet denied that and Howard said he didn't believe that caller anyway. Another caller said that the Sheik is really out of control and he's got to calm down with that shit he does when he gets all upset.
Howard wrapped up with Beetlejuice and Beet was in a really good mood saying that Artie was great and thanking Howard for having him in. It was like a new Beetlejuice. They went to break a short time later.
Steve said that they have some news about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach's death and funeral. They have stories about what they've heard from eyewitnesses who saw Ken in jail before his death. Steve was at the funeral and said he did not see any Stern fans there.
Steve said they have a story about Yucko the Clown's fiancee talking about moving to new Jersey or New York to get some work after they get married. Yucko will stay down in Georgia. Artie said that this doesn't sound good to him and he can't imagine this marriage is going to work out. He said that he's not sure if they're really in love after hearing some of this stuff about them.
Steve wrapped up his news preview and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of stuff they were going to try to get to today. That led to the guys talking about Wayne Hoffman's appearance today. Howard said that he could do the trick that Wayne did and explained how he thinks it happened. He said that he could figure that trick out and he couldn't sit there saying that it was amazing.
Artie said that Wayne did a trick out in the hall that was pretty impressive. He had him name a place he wanted to go and a number between 1 and 1000. He said Italy and 7 and then he pulled out a piece of paper from his shoe with those two things on it. He said it was kind of scribbled though. Fred said that he was probably using a finger writer. He explained how that works and Artie said that must have been it.
Howard tried to explain why he was getting married but Robin said she didn't understand his reasoning. She said that he's giving these strange explanations that make no sense and she's still not sure why he's getting married. Howard said it's just another expression of his love. Fred said that he did it because he wanted to share his life with his wife. He said that once you get married it's like you become a ''unit'' and that's what he wanted to be.
Robin read a story about why people get married and it was for health insurance. Gary came in and said that he pays about $2,200 per month for his family's health benefits. It's not cheap and that reasoning makes sense to him.
Robin read a story about The Flash coming back to the comic books. He's been dead for like 23 years according to the story Robin was reading. That led to the guys talking about other super heroes like the Green Lantern, Spawn and others.
Robin read a story about Cher coming out with a story about how she had an affair with Tom Cruise when she was 39 years old and he was 23. Robin said she doesn't get why she's coming out with that now because no one cares. Howard said that Tom Cruise is probably happy about that though because he's had so many people accusing him of being gay. Robin said that it was a rumor that she had remembered seeing years ago.
Robin said that Carrie Fisher is out talking about how she and Harrison Ford got it on during the shooting of Star Wars. Howard said that bothers him when he hears that. He said that it's just not right.
Robin said that there was a picture in the paper that they were saying was Liv Tyler but no one believed that was right. Howard said there's no way that's Liv Tyler. Artie said that it kind of looked like her but not quite.
Robin read through some more stories about Reverend Wright, Barack Obama, President Bush on the economy, the 73 year old man who locked half his family in his basement and Miley Cyrus.
Howard spent a short time on each story. He said that the Miley Cyrus story stuff was kind of creepy to him and he saw that he's been quoted in some articles about the whole thing. He said that was just his taste that he was talking about. He said that it just creeped him out and Disney probably doesn't want her to grow up. He said that they were bothered with her just showing her bare back in a picture.
Robin read a story about Uma Thurman's stalker and played some audio clips of the guy being interviewed. Gary came in and said that they were doing that story on ABC news and Benjy was out there and got in a plug on camera for the ParisBFF.com (under BenjyBenjy) thing that he's trying to win.
Benjy said that they were trying to beat him up down there for doing that. He said that they called the cops too but he's not sure why they do that. Benjy said that he was down there to get some stuff so he can get himself an ID. He has no ID apparently.
JD came in and said that he had the audio of Benjy getting on cam so Howard played that. In the clip a reporter is doing the report about the Uma Thurman stalker. Then Benjy gets on and says he's Benjy and mentions the ParisBFF thing.
Benjy said that he did something stupid and actually waited around for the cops to show up. That's when they told him that if he does this again he'll be arrested for ''Dcon'' but he had no idea what that meant. The news anchor referenced Benjy when they finished that story and said that it was an interruption by a man who just wanted to be on TV.
Robin read through some more stories about David Blaine's next stunt, LSD inventor Albert Hoffman dying and a woman found trapped under her dead husband who had collapsed on her. That led to Artie saying that he thinks that's in his future. He's pretty sure that's how he'll end up dying, on top of some chick.
Robin had some news about American Idol and had Howard play some clips from the show. They spent a short time talking about how bad those Neil Diamond songs were on that show last night. Howard said those songs were really horrible after hearing some of the clips that Robin had pulled.
Robin read a story about Shannon Elizabeth being voted off Dancing with the Stars last night. Howard said that he'd be happy to be voted off of that show. Robin finished up her news with a story about Iron Man opening up this weekend. She had some audio clips that she had Howard play before they ended the show.
Gary said that it was a train wreck of an appearance so it was pretty interesting. He said that he was interesting and the girls were interesting so it worked in that way.
Will said that he was kind of let down because he was hoping for more. He said that he should have brought his best stuff with him today and he just didn't do that. They talked about some of the other stuff that was going on with him today. He was wearing a lot of white and one of the girls said that she liked his ''White entourage'' instead of ''ensemble.'' They found that amusing too.
Gary said that when Kreskin would do the show they would have to try and figure out his tricks. They didn't have to do that with Wayne today.
Will said that the two first girls were kind of cute but the third one was... best known for her personality. He said that chick was trying to wear two pair of panties and then she covered up her nipples when Howard asked to see them so that was kind of annoying.
Gary talked about how creepy it was when Ronnie came in and told Pamela that she had to show Howard her nipples. He said that he was leaning on her like a Mafia guy. Howard saw that she was uncomfortable and told her she didn't have to do it.
Jon played a clip from the Wayne Hoffman thing where Sal exposed him as not being able to tell anyone's panty color.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he loves the Mexican music that Fred plays on the show. They spent a minute on that and then got back to Wayne.
Benjy was saying that he thought it was pretty obvious how the trick was done. He said that Wayne didn't seem to be too happy after his appearance. He said he saw him out in the hall and could read that from his mind that he may have been depressed.
Gary said that David Blaine is pretty mellow and that works for him. He thought that Wayne may have been a little over the top with his act.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks the shows have been great since they got back from their vacation. He said that he liked Jackie and the girls and even Artie coming back. He said that he seems to be on top of his game since he came back.
The caller suggested bringing in some girls who look really young to play a ''barely legal'' type of game. Gary said that he's not sure how something like that would work on the air. They spent a minute on that.
Sal came in so Jon asked him why he wanted to expose this Wayne guy on the air. Sal thought that it was easy to do that by asking him to do the trick without writing down anything. Sal said that he doesn't believe that any of these guys can do what they claim they can. Gary said that he was kind of fooled into thinking that this trick might work.
Sal said that he tried to do a trick for his kids when they were younger and the trick was similar to what this guy was doing today. He said that he used to dress up in a top hat and cape and all of that.
Will asked Sal about what he said about Jon Hein earlier in the morning about him having a dark side. Sal said he'd like to make a retraction on that story and not say anything. He said he's got a funny, creepy side and that's it. He didn't want to give details of why he thinks that.
Ronnie came in so Jon asked him if he was upset that he wasn't able to get Pamela to do her thing on the air. Ronnie said he was fine, he doesn't care.
Ronnie and Sal ended up going at each other for a short time. Ronnie was yelling at Sal about the way he dresses there and said that that's a high class place and he can't walk around in his undershirt the way he does.
Gary told a story about being asked not to walk past the Four Season's hotel one time when some big star was coming out. He said that was messed up and he didn't want to stop walking just so someone could walk out of the hotel.
Will said that there has to be something wrong with what Benjy did and you can't just walk in front of a camera and yell something out. Gary said that if they're going to put themselves out on the street, they can't expect not to have someone interrupt.
Gary said he's seen movies being shot on the streets there in New York and they always ask people to go around but that really annoys him when he wants to get somewhere that he's supposed to be.
A caller told the guys that private security has no right to tell you to walk around something like what they're talking about. He said that you only have to do that if a real cop asks you to do that. Benjy asked the guy if he could get in trouble for not showing ID if he's not under arrest. Gary said that there was a big case over that out in California. Benjy said that he did end up showing his ID to the cop but he apparently didn't have to.
Gary told a story about Benjy doing an interview for them early on and he got very frightened just watching it. They never aired that interview. He said that the security guy threatened Benjy in a very ''Italian part of Brooklyn'' and warned him not to do that anymore.
The caller said that Robin was in People Magazine this week under some weight loss thing. Jon knew what he was talking about but Gary said it hadn't come up on the air yet. The guy also talked about how cool Artie was to them when he and his buddy snuck back stage to meet him at a show last year.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in and said that he was with Benjy that day that Gary was talking about and he said that the cops told them that they were on their own when they saw the guys who were giving them a hard time.
Will said that the strippers really wanted to meet him and he was just telling them to fuck off. He said that Beet is the best at that because he did that to John Stamos one time when he was in. Sal said that Beetlejuice will tell people to get the fuck out of his face when they want to take pictures with him at the airport.
Sal was saying that Beet gets a lot of stuff in his head that never really happened but he believes that they did. He just makes stuff up. He said that nothing that he was saying about the Sheik was true except for the fact that he had shared a room with him.
Gary said that he was talking to Beet's manager Bob Rooney about what's going on with Beet and how he thinks that they could do a whole reality show based on his life.
Will and Ronnie went back and forth goofing on each other for a few minutes. Gary said that Will is a pretty angry dude but he can suppress it pretty well. Ronnie always lets it out. Sal said that Ronnie is a one trick pony with his anger and he's always telling people ''fuck you'' and stuff like that. Sal said Will's anger is different and he'll go to really dark places when he wants to chop someone down.
Will said that he is a dark and angry person and he knows it. Sal said that when he wants to get down and dirty with his roast jokes, he just goes to Will for some help. The guys said that a lot of people who answer the phones there are the ones who end up getting really angry. Will said that it's true because you hear the same stuff every day.
Will said that he has to deal with a lot of crap while he's answering the phones. He said that people really just need to get to the point instead of dragging out the call not saying anything. He said he gets a lot of nonsense calls from some people. He said that he had Sour Shoes calling him first thing this morning driving him nuts and he just couldn't take it.
Gary said that during the vacation he had to call Sour Shoes at home and his mother answered the phone. Jimmy Kimmel wanted to ask him to stop calling him so Gary had to give him a call and asked him to leave Jimmy alone. Jimmy wasn't able to get his work done because he was getting so many calls.
Will complained about the people who will just go on and on with their convoluted stories and he just needs a description that's less than a sentence to type to Howard. Will said that sometimes he'll start to calm down and then Lisa G will come in with her news update and he's right back to being angry again.
The caller asked what Beetlejuice likes to eat. The guys weren't sure but Sal said that he actually likes chicken and he wasn't just saying that as a radical stereotype. He said that he's seen him drink and eat some wild stuff before. He said Beet once got a soda to drink and ended up pouring sugar packets into it.
Sal said that Beetle really knows what he knows and he really doesn't like a lot of attention on him when he's out in public. He hates for people to treat him like a kid. He said that they went out shopping for sneakers one time and they have to shop in the kids section. The salesman was selling him everything in the store and he didn't want to say anything to him to insult him. They let Beet get all of that stuff but then asked him if he knew how much it was going to cost. Beet said that he wouldn't know how much it was until he paid for it. Sal said he figured that it was time to just let him do whatever he wanted at that point.
Jon played the Sheik and Beetlejuice argument that was going on during the show. Sal said that he did see Sheik yell at Beetlejuice one day but Beet just walked out of the room after that. He said they really don't fight like that in person.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Will treats her withy class and she loves him. Will said that he loves her too and she's great when she calls in. She thought that she annoyed him but Will said that she's fine. Gary said that some people think that they're not being treated all that well and don't call in anymore. Zolar and Double A were two names that Gary mentioned. Will didn't take the blame for either of those. He said that it wasn't because of him that Zolar stopped calling in. He said that he thinks it was the interns that made Double A stop calling in.
Gary said that Stuttering John used to take credit for great callers that would call in even though it was Howard who was getting stories out of them. Shuli said that he used to call in when he was living out in Vegas and he was just calling in to contribute to the show. He said that if you get upset with them for not putting you on the air, it doesn't make sense.
The guys talked about how poorly Stuttering John would treat Sal back in the days when he used to call in. Sal said that John would jerk him around and not let him on the air and stuff if he didn't like his subject. Sal said that John told him to bring something up on the air one day and he didn't do it so John got pissed at him and put him on ''caller probation.''
Will said that he can help get guys on the air by giving them key words for them to bring up. He said that saying that Beth O is beautiful or talking about Dancing with the Stars is something that can get Howard to pick up. The guys had to go to break a short time later.
Will asked Ralph who is going home on Idol tonight. Ralph said that he's bailed out on the show at this point and he doesn't know and doesn't care. Gary said he thinks the kid with the dreadlocks should get kicked off at this point. Jon said that there are 30 million people watching that show at this point. Ralph thinks that's going to stop soon and their ratings are going to continue to drop. The guys talked about Idol and Ralph was saying that Simon's hair is starting to look really odd.
Jon asked Richard if he's upset that Beetlejuice doesn't sing for them anymore. Richard said it does kind of stink that he won't do it but he's not going to push the guy into anything he doesn't want to do. Shuli said that Beet was singing most of the weekend. He said that it all depends on what he's got going on in his head that day too. He said that he will sing along to a lot of songs that he kind of knows but they don't always make sense.
The guys talked about Beetlejuice saying goodbye to Artie after his appearance today and how he was acting like he was just another comic or something. Gary asked if the guys know that Beetlejuice has shit his pants immediately or not. Shuli said that you can smell the shit but you're not sure if he shit his pants or if it's his breath. He said he's got some really nasty breath that makes it smell like he ate a shit sandwich.
The guys talked about the game that Sal wanted to do where they'd have the guys saying which spouse they'd like to bang if they could. Sal said that Howard said he wasn't interested in playing the game so he wasn't sure if he wanted to do there. Gary said they should probably avoid getting into it then.
Jon asked Sal more about this game he played today. That led to the guys asking Jon about the story about him calling one of his teachers a fag. Jon said that he doesn't make it a habit of calling people that name. He also said that he's not sure when it was that he last did that. Gary said that it's probably during baseball season that he does that.
Sal talked about the fake penis thing that he showed to his bus driver. He said that he was flapping it behind the bus driver's head until she grabbed it from him. He said that he was called into the principal's office the next morning and ended up got suspended from school for a day and 2 weeks off the bus. He said that his parents used to get a lot of calls from the school about stuff like that.
Sal said that there was a time when he brought a Hustler magazine to school and taped the pictures inside his locker. He said that he was taping them up in there and then went to class. He said he had to go back to his locker that day and a woman came up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. She told him to remove the pictures one by one and then walked him down to the principal's office. He ended up getting banned from his Junior Prom but then the principal called him the next day and said he liked him so he was going to let him go to the prom.
Jon talked about some of the other stories that they told today. Ronnie's stabbing was brought up. So was Richard's story about threatening to fuck a guy in the ass. Richard said that was in a weight lifting class. That brought the room to a halt when they found out that was an actual class he took in high school. It was in regular school hours, not after school like some of those classes are.
Richard said that he used to light trash cans on fire and dump water on kids heads and stuff like that. One year they caught a guy jerking off in school. He said that they found him whacking off in a locker room with a dirty magazine.
Richard said they had another guy who jerked their dog off and his sister caught him doing that and told the whole school.
Jon had Beetlejuice on the phone so he let him go off on Shuli about him smelling like shit. Beetlejuice went off on him for a short time. He said that he doesn't smell like shit. Beet thought it was Sal who said that but it was actually Shuli. Shuli apologized to Beet for Sal.
Jon and Gary got in a mention for the Sonos giveaway that's still going on. You can find out more about that at SIRIUS.com/HowardStern.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up a story about a call that they used to play over at K-Rock when they were still there. He said that he really almost drove off the road when he heard it. He said that he never believed that anyone ever did that until it happened to him. The caller asked if they could play that call again tomorrow. Sal said that he'd dig it up and play it for Gary.
Jon took a call from a woman who claimed that she was stabbed in the arm with a pencil and the guy who did that ended up burning down his parents house. It wasn't Ronnie though. They had to wrap up the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about all of the drinks that were coming in for Artie. He had 3 to 5 drinks. It was actually just a coffee and a Hawaiian Punch. He said he sips on the coffee to wake up and then drinks the punch with his bagel. That won't be up for a few minutes because the shop where they get them doesn't open until 6.
Jason brought in some drinks for Benjy as well and Howard said he didn't know that he did that for him. Benjy said that Robin was great at serving him. Howard had no idea what he was talking about and then noticed he had some Vaseline on his lips which made them all shiny. That seemed to creep Howard out. Benjy had some ice, coffee and water.
Howard said that there's a lot of consuming going on there. Jason said that Benjy eats a minimum of 3 large salads there. That's just at work. Howard said that he eats these troughs of salad and fills up on that instead of other food but he just keeps expanding his stomach. He asked him to just give his stomach a rest once in a while. Benjy said he has been doing that.
Howard said that Artie is having fun with his fat while Benjy is eating salad and staying fat. Artie thinks that Jason is on his way to being the biggest one on the show. Howard said he thinks that if Artie dieted for a couple of weeks he'd be smaller than Jason and Benjy.
Howard said that Jason is so dumpy that he doesn't think he has a muscle in his body. That led to Artie talking about how Jason is a big sports fan but he didn't play in sports much at all. Jason said that he knows it's a mess.
Artie talked about this bagel place that he used to go to every morning when they were at K-Rock. Now he doesn't have time to go there and the place near them now doesn't open early enough.
Howard said that they get his food from Cafe Metro but Jason said that they yell at the interns if they go there extra early. Will said that they might have to speak to the manager there to get Artie a bagel early. Jason said he'd be willing to sleep there overnight to get them their food this early in the morning.
Jason said that he thinks he's about 280 pounds right now. He said that he can't be made to feel any worse than he does about it already. Howard said that Jason almost won that weight loss contest they did last year. Jason said that Benjy won because he lost that 30 pounds in a week.
Howard said that Tom Chiusano was up to visit recently and he was shocked about Jason's weight gain. Jason said that Tom was very rude to him about that and told him that he thought he was supposed to lose weight before he gets married. Jason was upset about that and said ''Fuck you dude, I don't work for you anymore.''
Howard said that he knows someone who recently revealed to them that she hadn't seen her parents in 10 years. He said that was shocking but she claimed that her parents were abusive. Robin said that she avoided her parents for about 10 years at one point in her life. Howard gave her a hard time about that but he didn't know all of the details at the time.
The guys ended up talking about Robin's father by bringing up the Ham Hands Bill song parody about her where he talks about Robin's father's ''ham hands.''
Gary said that Jason's mom was asking Jason about why he was wearing a hat all the time now. Jason said he wears it because he's balding but she thinks that he's doing it for some other reason. He said that she's a big fan of the show and listening to the show all the time. She's listening now. He said that it's never ending with her and she's always e-mailing, instant messaging and calling him with advice and stuff.
Jason said he loves his mom but he doesn't love that she brings up that stuff about his appearance. Howard said this his mother used to bother him about his appearance as well. He said that his mother evolved somehow and changed eventually.
Howard said his mother told him he couldn't wear jeans and stuff like that and he just wanted her to shut the fuck up.
Jason said his mother was going off on him when he went over to her house for Passover. He said that she was asking him about the way his clothes fit and stuff like that. Gary asked him if she shares the abuse with his brothers. Jason said that she is like that with his father and he used to yell back at her and argued with her when he was growing up.
Jason said that his mother has already told him that she thinks that the DJ he hired is going to ruin his wedding. He said she thinks that he needs a band instead. Howard said he's not sure if he's going to be able to make it to the wedding. Jason said it's on November 8th. Howard said he might be busy then. Then he said that if he's not he's hoping that someone out there has a movie for him to work on that weekend.
Howard said that Jason should talk to his mother about this and ask her not to talk about this stuff in front of other people. Jason said he has done that and she gets all upset about it.
Jason said that he went on these Lexipro pills and he took her out to dinner to tell her about it before she found out any other way. He said that when they get into arguments she'll use it against him now. He said that he had to tell her before she found out from the show so she wouldn't get even more upset. Howard said that sounds like a nightmare. Jason said it really is.
Howard said that his mother used to give him a hard time about things like getting an earring. He said that she used to tell him that getting an earring in his ear was like getting one in her ear. He tried to explain to her that he was his own person and he could live his own life.
Jason said that he wanted to go to Penn State and his mother didn't want him to tell anyone that he didn't get into the main campus when he got into the communications department. She didn't want him admitting that he wasn't getting into the main campus. She was apparently embarrassed by that.
Jason said that he thinks that his mother loves him because she's always bragging about him working for the show and stuff.
Jason said that he's got 6 months to slim down a little bit before the wedding. He said he'll get into a nice tux and look good for the wedding.
Howard said he was going to goof on him about his Facebook page but now he feels bad. He said that he has a comment about how he's a ''Big dude with a cool 'tude'' on there. He said that he wanted to goof on him about that but after all of the mother stuff he felt bad about that. Fred was doing his impression of Jason a little bit before Howard moved on to other stuff.
In the clip they talk about how the guy lives in a house in Harlem, New York and hasn't been able to leave his bed in 10 years. They had some clips of the guy talking about his food addiction and what he had to deal with growing up. He talked about all of the different foods and meals he'd eat at one time.
Howard said that guy sounds like a big dude with a cool 'tude. Artie said you could hear the frying going on in the background. His family was cooking for him while he was doing this interview. The guy said that being a food addict is like any other addiction and you'll do what you have to do to get what you want.
The announcer for that show was talking about how much fat is in the guy's body and details like that. Artie said that the guy has to be just shitting and laying in it all the time. JD said there's one clip where they talk to a guy about how he keeps a pad under him to go to the bathroom on. Howard played the clip where the guy talks about his addiction. He has his pad changed every couple of hours.
Howard said that if she constantly brings up his weight it's not going to mean anything. Jason came in and said that she always comments on his appearance and stuff. He said that she's mean to him but she also gets mad at people who are mean to him too.
Howard told Shelly that she's overbearing and she's just got to let go. Jason said that she once told him that she was his biggest fan but also his biggest critic. Howard and Robin both ganged up on her and told her that she's got to just let go of him and not keep on him about this stuff.
Howard asked Shelly if she and her mother are the same way. Shelly said her mother lives 3000 miles away. Howard said that Jason is telling her that she's interfering with his life and she has to back up. She said she doesn't think that she is but she was hearing this stuff today and it was getting through to her. Howard said that maybe Jason will get lucky and get 3000 miles away from his mother.
Howard told Shelly that just because Jason is her son, that doesn't mean that he's her punching bag. Shelly said that she will try to change. Howard pointed out that Shelly threw it in Jason's face about taking those Lexipro, confidence pills. Jason said that he's not going to sit there and let her bad mouth him like that.
Shelly said that she loves Jason and just wants the best for him. Howard said that mothers seem to think that they have to micro manage their kids lives forever. Shelly said that she's sorry he sees it that way.
Fred said that she keeps non-validating what Jason says. She should just say she's sorry he feels that way instead of dismissing everything Jason says. She said that she is very upset about this and she does see it. Jason was upset that she's just seeing it now and not when he's spoken to her about it in the past. He thinks that she's just taking notice now because they're on the radio.
Howard said that he would criticize Shelly into the ground if he hung out around her for a while. He said that he would humiliate and criticize her like mad. He told her that she's going to lose him if she keeps it up.
Howard said that Shelly sounds hot to him and that's really weird to him. He asked her if she's really hot and if she's really sexual. She said she has fun but she's an old Jewish mother. She said she was wearing nothing since she had just gotten out of the shower.
Howard and Fred were asking her all kinds of sexual questions but she said she had to go to work. Howard said he really likes her voice. Shelly said that she will try really hard to change her ways. Fred asked her if she uses a vibrator on Passover. She didn't get a chance to answer that. Howard asked her some more sex questions about whether or not she enjoys sex and when she last had sex.
Jason asked if they could stop this conversation now. Howard told him that he sees why his mother abuses him. He called him a big fatso and told him to get out of there. Howard said that he thinks that Shelly is fully shaved. She said ''Well...'' and said she had to go to work. She wouldn't answer that question. She said that she does wax everything.
Howard told Shelly she had a cool 'tude. He asked her if she goes out to clubs and stuff and flirts with people. She kept saying she had to go to work. Howard told Jason to hook him up with his mother. At one point she said that she's got a tattoo which is a no-no with Jewish people so Artie pointed out that she told Jason he couldn't have a beer on Passover but she's got a tattoo?
Howard asked Shelly if she really was upset about Jason not getting into Penn State's main campus. She denied that but Jason said she's lying about that. He said that she wasn't happy with him going to Rutgers either. Jason accused her of lying about that.
Jason said that he thinks that his mother went to a community college for a year before she went to Ohio State but she was denying that. Then she said that she went to a college in West Virginia for a year. She said she doesn't think about that part of her life though. She said it doesn't embarrass her but it wasn't a happy time of her life.
Jason said that she's lying about not being embarrassed by him not getting into Penn State. She said she's never lied in her life. Howard said that she's got to change the way she does stuff if she wants to keep this relationship going. Shelly said that this is just not true.
Howard told Shelly that she has to stop telling Jason she doesn't like the way he dresses. He said that it's not making things any better. Howard told her that he had his parents tell him that they were concerned about the way he was gaining weight but they didn't do it in front of other people. He said that he doesn't want people coming over and criticizing him in his own house.
Jason said that his mother used to complain about his father too and he saw that when he was growing up. Shelly said that she's going to ''try very hard'' to change. Robin said that's not good enough. Howard told Shelly that maybe she should go to therapy herself and let the therapist know about all of this anger she has.
Jason said that he loves his mother but this stuff is a big part of her. Shelly asked if she's really evil to him like he was saying. Jason said that she is. He said that the Lexipro thing was really hurtful to him. He said that he was trying to let her in on a part of his life and then she uses it against him. She threw it in his face a week after he told her about it. He said that really hurt even though it was 8 years ago. Jason said that it's all about her.
Shelly said that she was upset that Jason was so upset in his life that he had to take the pills. Jason said that they got into an argument a week later and that's when she left him a voice mail where she mentioned the pills at the end of it.
Jason said that his mother made him wear a sweater vest on his first day of work for Howard too. He said that she told him to wear it and he listened to her advice on what to wear. He was only 21 at the time and she helped him out by getting him some clothes. Shelly said that's not what happened. She said that she never said anything about his old clothes. She said that she asked him what he wanted to wear and she asked him about the sweater vest and he agreed to wear it.
Jason said that his fiancee was very upset with his mother the last time they went to visit. Jason said that she's not going to let her treat him like that anymore.
Jason said that he has some of the messages that his mother has left for him. Howard told him to go get them. Shelly said that everyone she knows is listening and she has to go. Howard said that she has to stay on.
Howard got back to Shelly's waxing stuff. He said that he really is intrigued by her voice. They asked her some more questions about how many men she's been with and stuff like that. Shelly said that her kids are listening and she doesn't want to talk about that. She said that it's none of their business who she was with.
Shelly said that she was a fun girl but didn't get into detail more than that. She said she didn't start having sex until she was in college.
Jason came back in and read an Instant Message that his mother had left for him. He said that it started out with ''Pathetic...'' and then she goes on to talk about how Jason stays away from his father and then she says good bye and ''thanks for nothing Jason'' and that he makes her suicidal. Jason said he's not sure what exactly what was going on that day on the air. Howard said ''shame on you'' to Shelly and told her not to IM Jason anymore. Jason said that IM was from 2006.
Howard told Shelly not to IM Jason anymore at all. Even if it's positive. Shelly asked if that's what Jason wants. Jason said ''Yes!'' Then he asked her not to do it at work but Howard told him to stick with that so Jason told her no more IM at work. Howard told him no more IM at all.
Shelly said that she will do that for him. Then Jason said that this is like a noose being released from his neck. Howard told Shelly what he had just said and she sounded like she was shocked by that. Howard said that Shelly is going to get an IM from him. He said that her sexy voice is getting to him. He asked her more about what kind of clothes she wears and if they're sexy. Jason was disgusted by this conversation so Howard told him he could leave.
Howard told Shelly that he was only trying to help her out with her son with this conversation today. She thanked him for that. Howard told her that he'll keep her secret about going to West Virginia and won't tell anyone else. He said that they'll cut all of that out of the replays. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said that he helped Jason out a little bit by getting the IMs to stop. He said that she's probably going to figure out some other way to contact him though. He said she's probably sending smoke signals from New Jersey right now. Artie sang a singing telegram for Jason that she could send to him.
Howard and Artie spent a short time talking about Dennis Miller and how funny he's been over the years. Howard said that he found it amusing that Bill thought that he'd be helping him out by putting him on his show. He said that he watches his show and likes it but he wouldn't do a show with him weekly. He said he wouldn't have Bill on his show like that either.
Howard and the guys talked about Bill's age and found out that he was almost 60. Howard said that Bill went to B.U. just like he did but he didn't know him. He said he knew that they weren't the same age.
Artie said that there was a time when Jackie Martling was on a ''most interesting'' people list in a magazine. He thought it was in Time or something. Gary said it was actually Rolling Stone and it was for a hot comedian thing or something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he sued to go to O.U. and he bets that Jason's mom was a big partier and did gang bangs and stuff. Howard asked Jason if that is a big party school. The caller said it was a big party school. Howard said that maybe their reputation went down after Jason's mom went there. Artie said that it's amazing how judgmental people are about education.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he'd like to go out with Jason's mom after hearing her voice. Another caller said that he thinks that Jason's mom is the typical breeding of a serial killer. Another guy said that the segment was priceless and he wanted to get his mother on the phone to do a three way call with them.
Artie said that there are a lot of comedians who have mothers like that. Artie said that there was this guy Fred Stoller who had a mother who was really overbearing like that. He told a story about his mother calling the guy and telling him that she was telling her friends that her son had died because he didn't have anything going on in his life. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later. He mentioned they had the Ugliest Guy With Hottest Wife contest coming up later on. They had a jingle for the contest and Howard said that he's going to play that song as the first song at his wedding. They went to break right after that.
Howard said he had just one problem with the movie but it was very small and it wouldn't even matter to some people. He said that it might ruin it for some people too. Howard said that Jon Favreau did a good job with the movie. Howard said the script was good and the effects, costuming and all of that was good too. Robin said that the story was really good.
Howard said that the movie had an appealing story and even women liked it. Beth loved the movie and she's not a super hero movie fan. Artie said that he worked with Favreau on ''Elf'' and he's not sure how he gets a job like that directing Iron Man. He said that it could have gone horribly wrong but it turned out to be really good so he must be a muti-talented guy.
Howard said that comic books make for a great template for movies. He said that he used to think about that stuff as a kid and they finally did it with the Superman movies and then Batman and all of that stuff.
Benjy said that he wasn't as heavy now as he was back when he weighed in for that contest. Benjy hopped on the scale in the studio and he came in at 244. Jason said that he was up to 281 back then and he figures he's about that weight now. Jason got on the scale and came in at 278. He's close to what he weighed last year. Howard figured that Artie was the same weight he was last year.
Jason told Lisa to get laid already. She told him to lose some weight. Jason went off on her making fun of how she doesn't every shut up.
Howard figured that Lisa weighed about the same that she did in high school. She said that she's probably about the same as she was back then. Gary said he knew her back in the middle 80s and she looked the same then.
Gary asked Lisa if she was definitely not a virgin. She said yesterday that she wasn't so Howard dismissed that and had her go on with her stories.
Lisa said that Gary the Retard has been diagnosed with emphysema. He's trying to cut back on smoking but he doesn't believe that the cigarettes are the reason for this. Howard said that he's retarded so of course he doesn't think that's it. Howard said he might have to call him and asked him to stop smoking. He told Gary to remind him later in the show.
Lisa said that Colin Quinn has said that he's obsessed with the Taxi Driver remake he's going to be doing with Eric the Midget. He's not too happy about Eric's attitude so far though because he has said that he might be busy in June. Colin is hoping to use some other Wack Packers in the movie as well.
The first contestants were Aaron and Marie. Howard said that he thinks that they had a winner already. He said that Marie's body was great and she had nice boobs. She was a full C or small D. Howard said that Aaron was a mess. Howard admitted that he could be in this contest too but he's not allowed to enter it.
Howard found out that Aaron was a virgin when he met Marie and she was a virgin as well. Marie said that she only knows love with a fat man. She said that he treated her like a princess before she ever went out with him and she loves him with all her heart. She said that one time he left a really bad ass smell on her bed when he was over one time. She said that he was at 325 pounds at one time in their relationship. He's down to 265 now after having stomach surgery.
Howard asked Marie if she works out. She said that she does but not that often. She was lucky to be born the way she was. Howard asked Marie who else she'd be attracted to and she pointed out Will. Aaron said that his friends hit on her all the time and buy her drinks and stuff so that's kind of cool. He said that he doesn't mind it because he gets to go home with her.
Howard asked Marie if she's ever thought of cheating on Aaron. She said that she never does. She really loves him. She said that she used to get chafed legs from having sex with Aaron when he was fat. Howard asked Aaron if he ever thought he wasn't going to get this girl. Aaron said of course he did. He said that he kept bugging her when they were in school and it eventually worked. He said that it took him about 6 months to get into her pants after they started dating but they were only 17 at the time.
Howard asked Marie if she was horrified when she saw him for the first time naked. She said that she was shocked by his penis size and asked ''is that it?'' when she saw it. That led to Aaron taking off his shirt to show off what his body looked like. He had some bad looking body hair and man boobs. Artie said that this guy could have been in the Man Boob contest a few weeks ago so he could have been in two pathetic loser contests on the show.
Marie talked about how she got upset when she fell for this guy and started to cry at one point. She said that she saw the man inside of him though and knew that he was a good guy. She said that she knew that he was going to love her for who she was and not just bang her.
The guys asked Aaron why his ass stunk that time that Marie mentioned. He said that he was wearing his clothes for weeks on end at the time and it was summer time so swamp ass kicked in. He said that's what the stink was. Howard told Marie that she's exceptional for sticking with this guy.
Howard said that they had pictures of each couple up on his web site. He moved on to the next couple, Vince and Veronica. Howard and the guys were laughing when they saw that couple. Howard said that Vince rates himself a 3 and his wife a 10. Veronica had some big boobs according to Howard. He said that Vince isn't a bad looking guy but he was kind of heavyset. Artie said he had an odd shape to him. Howard told him that he's not the ugliest guy and Aaron was a lot uglier than him.
Gary said that Aaron is losing his hair and Vince has all of his. Howard said that Vince is a pro-wrestler and he trained Veronica for a few months. She said that she actually tried to get his attention for quite a long time and brought him oxycontin and other stuff like meat loaf and stuff like that. Artie asked her if she had a sister. She said she does and she's pretty good looking.
Howard asked what it is about Vince that she likes. She said that she loves a lot of stuff about him and ran down a list of things that she likes. Howard asked Veronica if she likes a lot of other fat guys. She said it's not a lot but she does like some. Vince is her type. They got in some plugs for the wrestling thing that they deal with and you can find out more about that at TheXPW.com
Howard had the next team come in. They were Peter and Jenny. Howard said that they had a contest now. He said he thought that the first couple were going to win but this couple might be the winners. He asked them some questions and Pete went into some character voice.
Howard asked Pete about when he met his wife. She was only 15 at the time and got her pregnant pretty quick after he started dating her. Jenny said that he was the bad boy type and she liked that. The guys said that Pete was pretty ugly and he was very annoying as well.
Howard asked Jenny about getting pregnant and how that all happened. She said that her parents were okay with it and she ended up getting married at 16. She has banged some other guys when she was younger. Howard said that she was a very attractive woman. He read that she has a web cam show that she does where she gets naked and masturbates on camera.
Howard asked Pete if he thinks he's a very lucky Man. He said he does. Howard asked to see some skin on Jenny but Pete wanted some money for that. Howard told them that they were playing for 5 grand today. Gary said he heard that some guy sends her 10 grand a month just for those web cam things that she does. She turned around and showed her ass to the guys and Artie said that was worth 10 grand. Pete said that he doesn't get jealous of this stuff and he actually gets off on it. You can check her out at JensBedroom.com.
Gary asked if they think that their neighbors know about the web cam stuff. Peter said that they block out their whole area so no one there can see it.
Howard asked the judges what they thought and reminded everyone that there was 5 grand on the line. Aaron asked if they could plead their case and went on to say that his wife needs the money for her masters degree so she can continue to teach. Howard said that everyone can use $5,000. He reminded everyone of the stories they had heard and went through each of the couples again. Howard said it was tough for him to decide on which couple to pick. He said that some of the guys didn't look so bad to him. He asked Robin which couple she'd go with. She said that she had to figure in both sides of the equation.
Robin said she was going to go with Aaron and Marie. Gary went with them as well. Then Howard went to Fred who said he would give extra points to anyone who took their top off, guy's not included. He then went through the guys and talked about how he had to pick number one, Aaron, as the winner.
Howard told Benjy he wasn't going to get the chance to vote. Artie was up next. Artie said that he thinks that he has to go by who is the luckiest and he had to say it was Aaron. That's where his vote went. Howard let Benjy vote next. Benjy went through some stuff but Howard cut him off and said he didn't want to hear that. Benjy gave his vote to Aaron. Howard said that it looked like a runaway contest and Aaron was going to win it. Howard said that he had to go with Aaron as well. Aaron and Marie ended up winning the $5,000 which was courtesy of AshleyMadison.com. He had Noel from the company come in to present them with the prize money. Noel congratulated them and said he hopes that they never end up on his site.
Howard asked Noel about his web site and if he ever feels guilty about what he does. Noel said that he doesn't and he's happily married himself. The site is for people who want to cheat on their spouses or meet someone who is into the same thing. Noel said that they have over 2 million members now. He said that they have to thank Howard for a lot of those members.
Howard said that Noel even took out an ad in the paper for Governor Spitzer saying that he should have used their service instead of hookers. Noel said that a lot of people have issues where they can't get out of a marriage and they need to cheat on their spouses.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in and let Aaron and Marie say a few more words. Marie is going to continue her Master's Degree so she can continue teaching.
Howard asked Gary if they had any other prizes for the other contestants. He got some $500 cash prizes from his cousin's company BeeCeuticals. You can find out more about them at HealthFromTheHive.com. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked about The Bachelor and if he had been watching that. Howard said that he had seen it and spent a minute talking about that show and how he thinks that the guy is banging all of those chicks. He said that he thinks that the chick he just said goodbye to was so shocked because he had just had sex with her.
Howard said that guys are dogs and they'll bang anything. He said that the only problem there is that these chicks think that you're into them when you bang them. Howard said that the chick last night uses the word ''like'' way too much. He said that would prove to him that she's a moron and an idiot. He said that he's started doing the ''like'' thing a lot from watching her.
JD came in and said that he thinks that guy definitely banged that chick because she seemed to want it from the guy really bad. Howard said that if he were that girl's father, he'd be really pissed at the way the guy was treating her.
Howard and the caller spent a few minutes talking about the show and what was going on in last night's show. Howard said he doesn't think that guy is going to marry any of those bitches. He said that no guy who has anything going on is going to marry a woman who goes on a show like that.
Howard talked about some of the retards that are on those type of shows and how that Trista chick found one to marry her after doing The Bachelorette. Howard said that he would go postal on the producers of those shows if his daughter ended up on one.
Howard said he had some clips from last night's show where this girl is saying ''like'' over and over again. He said that they went on a date and this girl starts talking about how much she likes the guy and she says ''like'' a bunch of times. He had Fred play a bell sound every time she said the word. He hit the bell every couple of seconds because she was using it multiple times in every sentence.
Fred missed a bunch of times she said the word. He said that he had zoned out at one time because he got lost in what she was talking about. Howard played another clip where The Bachelor was talking to the chick and then she starts in with her ''like'' again. He was basically dumping her and she wasn't understanding what he was talking about.
Howard cut the clip off and said that she was like that all the time. That led to the guys talking about how she said that she lived in a trailer at one point. Howard said that would be a turn off to him and he doesn't think that he could be with a chick like that. Then he said it really would just depend on the chick and her parents. He said that he'd be cool with it if they were decent people.
Howard said that it's really a big mistake to bang those chicks because it can really hurt them when they get dumped. Robin said that she's not sure how the girls can do it knowing that they're competing against 20 girls. Howard said that they're all desperate.
Howard played another clip where this, like, girl was, like about to, like, be, like eliminated from the, like show. She said ''like'' a ton of times and Howard said that would make him mental if he had to deal with that. JD said he counted at least 60 times that she said it.
Howard said that Jeff has been bitching that he hasn't been on the show lately. He said that Gary has told him that if they have something for him, they'll have him on.
Howard said that a lot of people are picking up on what he's said about this Miley Cyrus semi-nude pictures. Howard said that the problem he had was with the father and daughter posing in pictures together. He said that even the picture of her with her back showing wasn't all that bad but it's really weird with her in pictures looking sexual with her father.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Artie is buying Jeff the Howard TV thing. Howard said that his sister is paying for it, not Artie. Artie said that he hasn't sent him any money lately.
The caller said that he heard that Sal is back to his beating off in the bathroom. He thought that's what he heard on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that the Wrap UP Show was great yesterday from what he heard.
Robin said that Shuli was telling some stories about Beet putting his false teeth in a glass and then flicking his cigarette ashes in the glass. She said he had another story about Beetlejuice getting a diet coke and then putting packets of sugar into the drink.
Howard said that Beet is bringing in some crowds and they have to put up with a lot of stuff to bring him out on the road. He said that Shuli had some audio that he put together as a mini documentary. Howard played some of the audio that Shuli had of Beet singing along to some tunes he had on his iPod. Beet was just mumbling out nonsense and not singing real words.
Shuli said that goes on for hours. He said that Beet went on for an hour so he turned on his recorder again and started singing along with him. Howard played some of the audio from that singing session. Then Shuli talks about how Beet is still singing an hour later.
Shuli said that Beet is easier to deal with when he doesn't drink but he can get out of hand when he's drunk. He said that Beet will just talk and talk forever if he's drunk.
Howard had another clip of Beetlejuice rambling on and on with no one answering him. Shuli said he did that for 9 full minutes without anyone saying a word to him.
Shuli mentioned that they had a fan driving them around during that clip he was playing. Howard said that's another thing about the Killers of Comedy (KillersOfComedy.com), they can't get their own rides and have to rely on the fans to drive them around.
Howard said that they should charge people to ride with them. Artie said that he had things like that happen to him when he'd go out on the road with Stuttering John.
Howard played more of the Beet clips and listened to him rambling for a few minutes. Shuli had some more stories about Beet ordering food out on the road and things like that. Beet was asking for all kinds of stuff for the guys to order for him from the fast food place they were stopping at. He was asking for everything including an egg roll.
Shuli said that they got back to the hotel with Beet and within 3 minutes he was leaving his room with his bag in his hand. He said that Beet was ready to go home and complaining about people taking advantage of him. He said that he wanted to walk home from Texas to New Jersey.
Shuli said that he was up until 5 in the morning with Beetle that night. He said that they ended up getting into an argument with him like an old married couple. He asked Beet to go back to his room and sleep for 3 more hours and they'd fly home.
Shuli said that Beet came up to him the next day and gave him a hug saying he was sorry for what he had done the night before.
Howard talked about some stuff that Ant had done recently. He asked Gary to bring Ant in after that. Ant said that he has to sit up on the couch like that to see people in there because he's short. Howard said that he and Artie were talking about that and he thinks that a lot of gay men do that because they want to keep an eye on the heterosexuals in the room.
Ant said that he has no idea what's going on in the studio because of all of the screens they have in there. Ant said that he likes to be in a dominant position too.
Howard said that Ant is on this show called Celebracadabra and they have a bunch of celebrities on the show to do magic tricks. They spent a short time talking about some of the other celebrities on the show and talked about some woman who had a pussy lift. Ant was talking about that and mentioned why he finds vaginas so disgusting. He said it's the blood. Howard said that as a heterosexual man he doesn't care about that stuff and he'll still hit that even if they're bleeding.
Howard asked Ant about seeing cock and balls and if that's perfect to him. He said that it really is. Artie said that he gets the pussy thing because he's disgusted by some fat chick's pussies.
Ant told the guys that he lost some weight thanks to Nutri-System. Howard got him back on the subject of this magic show and what he had to do on there. He had done one magic trick for a retarded kid that he thought was a skate boarder because he had a helmet on.
Ant said that he was told he had to pick a kid to talk to during this magic trick and he saw the kid with the helmet on. He said he saw the helmet and assumed it was a skate boarder. He did the trick for the kid after asking if he wanted to see it. He did this butterfly trick and the kid ended up smashing it in his hands.
Ant said that he has a problem with road rage and the last time he was in the city he had been arrested for bashing some guy's car with a tire iron. He said that the guy cut him off and he followed him and ended up beating the car. He said that the guy was Asian but he didn't pick him to chase him down just because of that.
Ant said that a cop on a horse saw what was going on and ended up arresting him. Ant changed subjects and said that he had a homeless guy story to tell. The homeless guy he had fucked had called him on some other show and said that he was cleaning up after that.
Ant said that he freaked out over the butterfly thing and the kid started to cry when he yelled at him. Then the mother came up and hit him in the side of the head with her purse. He said that he started sizing her up after that and said he could probably take that bitch. Then he said that they had all of the cameras on him and he was hoping that they weren't going to show it on the air. Howard said he'd love to see it but he'd be begging them not to show it if it were him.
Howard got back to the tire iron story and asked what happened when the cop arrested him. Ant said that he plead no contest and he had to pay a fine.
Ant is still doing Celebrity Fit Club and he said that Eric Moran was on the show and she really pissed him off. He said that she was disappearing during the show and going off with a bottle of booze. He said that she's a walking time bomb in his opinion. Gary came in and said that she was a bit out there when she was on their show. Gary said that she had the crazy eyes and she wouldn't answer the questions they asked her and stuff like that.
Gary said that he had a story about Ant to tell but Ant asked him not to tell it. Gary said that he was up last night late and ended up sleeping in the green room. Ant went on to tell a story about staying at the W hotel while he's there. He said that he Marquis hotel was across the street and he said that he brought some binoculars with him because he was watching people doing stuff in their rooms. He said that he watched a guy masturbating across the way for hours. He said he must have had the 24 hour porn channel going or something. Ant said that the guy wasn't gay because he didn't put his legs up in the air.
Howard asked Ant about his boyfriend and heard some stories from him about the guy getting addicted to vikodin. Ant said that he claimed that he was going through addiction and Ant told him that he's really not because he had just a 30 day prescription. He said that it was 30 vikodin in 45 days so he wasn't addicted to anything.
Ant said that his boyfriend had this pumpkin carving thing going on around Halloween and he wasn't able to make it. He said that the guy stopped talking to him for a while because of that. He said that to make up to him for that he carved a pumpkin while he was in Las Vegas and had someone drive it to him for $400. He said that he attached a note that wasn't so nice though.
Howard asked Ant about going on this Rosie O'Donnell cruise. Ant said that he had a great time on the cruise and Rosie and her girlfriend were very nice to him. He said that he ended up fucking a 74 year old guy on the cruise. He said that he fucked the guy and the guy blew him. He also got a 60 year old.
Fred interrupted the story and asked if Ant was on something. He said he appeared to be a little jumpy. Howard said that he is telling stories about banging 74 year old guys so it's no wonder he's jumpy. Howard said he can't believe that he banged a 74 year old guy. Artie was reading the sports page while all of that was going on.
Ant said that the 74 year old guy took his teeth out to blow him and he didn't even ask him to do it. He said that a guy has to be warned about something like that before you take your teeth out. Howard and Artie ended up doing their Ham Hands Bill impressions after hearing that story.
Howard said that he likes that Ant is out having fun with a bunch of guys instead of pretending that he's not doing anything. Howard said that a lot must go on with that Rosie cruise. He said that he would have watched a lot closer if he knew that Ant was on that cruise.
Howard asked about what the 74 year old looked like. Ant said that there were a lot of wrinkles. He said that things do stretch over time and he's afraid that he's going to end up with his tattoo stretching out really bad.
Howard asked Ant about what's going on with him and his boyfriend. Ant said that he's actually upset that he got dumped. He said that he didn't want to ruin the guys life by having Howard yell at him or anything though. Ant said that he had cried over losing the guy too.
Ant said that relationships with women must be easier than being with a man. He said that you know where the sexual line is with a woman. Howard said that Ant isn't going to be able to date a woman. There's no way he could do something like that.
ant said that he has a comic on his mind who he thinks he could date. They threw out some names and Ant said that it was actually Tig Notaro and she's a bit of a Tom boy. He said that he likes that but he wouldn't know how to approach them. Howard said that maybe she's listening and she'll hear this.
Howard said that Ant doesn't believe that Artie is homophobic. He was quoted in some article about that. Howard said that he does believe that Scott DePace is homophobic though. Ant talked about that and said that when you say the stuff that Scott has said, you open it up to gay guys wanting to turn his son gay. He said that once they find out who his son is they'll try to get him.
DePace came in and asked for them not to talk about his kids. Scott said that he wouldn't be happy if his son turned out to be gay but he would accept it anyway. Howard asked Scott what he would do if he heard that his son was on the Rosie cruise and had banged Ant. Scott didn't even get a chance to answer that.
Ant talked about the wig he wears on his head. Howard wanted to see how bald he was so Ant said he's just as bald as Howard is. Howard said that he doesn't wear a wig, that's his real hair. Ant said that it really is a wig because he wasn't being very clear about it. Howard said that it did look pretty good for fake hair. Ant said that it's $100 a month to get the weave tightening that he has to get. Ant said that he doesn't like the look of people who shave their heads so that's why he doesn't do it himself.
Howard gave Ant some plugs for this Celebracadabra show that he's going to be on. That led to Ant telling some stories about doing magic when he was a kid. Howard gave him a plug for this blog he's doing and you can see that at NBC.com/ant
Ant talked about how he had gone out with this girl when he was in school. He said that he had never seen a vagina before so he was mortified by what he saw down there. He said that he didn't ever do oral down there and he's not sure he could ever do that. He said that he wouldn't mind a woman doing that to him though. Howard asked if he would vomit into a woman's vagina if he went down on her. He said that he's not sure he would but if she was on her period he might.
Ant talked about the blog he does and how he ends up crying on some of them. He said that they're video blogs and he's dome some pretty heavy sobbing in some of them. Howard said he'll have to check that out.
Ant talked more about the 74 year old guy that he had done on the cruise and said that the guy was very clean back there. He said that he's a germphobe so he wouldn't go back there if he felt that it was going to be dirty. He said that the other guy was licking his ass.
Ant asked Artie if he's back permanently because there were some people saying that it wasn't real. Howard said that it was real and he is back. Artie said that he just missed one news segment. He said they were on vacation the next week. Howard wrapped up with Ant and went to break a short time later.
Mike said that he got in trouble for mentioning Howard's name during an interview the other day. He was doing some terrestrial radio shows and the hosts of the station that he was on hung up on him the minute he mentioned Howard's name. They said that he should have known better because Howard is a competitor of theirs. Mike said that's bull and he wasn't just plugging his show or anything.
Howard had mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard, Robin and Fred all picked story 4 as the fake one while Artie went with story 2. The actual fake story was number one.
Artie said that he's in rip-off heaven now and the movie is profitable. He said that he knows that the movie has made some money. He said that it's out all over the place and he hasn't gotten any residuals at all so far. He said that he's one of only two writers on it so they should be getting some substantial residuals on it.
Artie said that the people who they're dealing with aren't talking about it so now the Writer's Guild is putting in a claim over it and trying to find out what's going on. Artie said that there are some actors in that film who should be getting some money and they're not getting anything. Artie said that he's happy that this company got the movie out there but he thinks that there is some money due to some people.
Howard asked Artie about the pancakes he was eating and ended up playing the ''Artie Loves Pancakes'' song parody.
Ralph called in and asked why Steve is doing those stories about Artie because it sounds like they're just doing it to try and get Artie paid. Steve said that they have different sources for these stories and they really can't say who they are. Artie said he didn't say anything to Steve about that.
Steve ran down some more stories that they were going to be covering today. He said that they're looking for more information about the prison where Kenneth Keith was being held so anyone with that info can e-mail or call them.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of stuff they were going to try and cover today. The guys ended up talking to Jon about his weight gain a little bit since he brought that up in his preview.
Mutt was on the phone with his Superfan Roundtable preview. Mutt said that they'll be talking about Eric the Midget's Taxi Driver movie. Artie said that he has a great name for that movie... ''Mini Driver.'' Mutt said that they have some conspiracy theories to talk about and how everything they discuss on the show is a hidden plug. Howard asked Mutt if he really thinks that they'd do that. Robin said that she thinks that the Howard TV calls are planted because they're so well spoken. Howard said he can't arrange for something like that. Mutt said they'll also be ranking the people on the show as far as their intelligence. They'll also talk about the way Artie has been ''molesting'' girls on the show. Artie said that he's not molesting anyone and the girls that are in there are up for it when he does feel them up.
Howard told Gary that smoking is turning his pink lungs black. Gary said that he's trying to quit. Robin said that you'd have to be stupid to do something like that. Howard said that Gary might be retarded but he's not stupid.
Howard was trying to save Gary's life but Artie was interrupting and calling him a retard over and over. Gary said that he's not going to smoke anymore so Howard told him to flush them down the toilet right now. Gary hung up the phone for some reason but Howard wasn't sure why that was. He said that he had emphysema on the phone to talk to Gary but he had hung up so that wasn't going to happen.
Gary called back in and said that he had flushed his cigarettes down the toilet but Howard didn't believe him. Gary said that he did have one last one so he flushed that one down too. Howard said that he had emphysema on the phone and he wanted to talk to him.
Emphysema (Richard) told Gary that he was coming to get him. Gary said that he was going to quit smoking and he was done with that. Howard told Gary to disguise his voice to get away from emphysema. He didn't do that though. Emphysema told him that human sperm will cure him but Gary didn't seem to understand that because he said he'd just suck on a woman to get that. Howard said he's going to check on him next week to find out if he's still smoking. Check Gary out tonight at 8pm at SyndicateRadio.tv
Howard talked to Artie about his smoking for a short time. Artie said that he can kind of control how much he smokes and it's not so bad these days. He said it's a good thing that you can't smoke inside a lot of restaurants and places like that.
Robin read some news about gas prices and how some people are getting better mileage. Some people are doing ''Hypermiling'' where they inflate their tires to the maximum pressure so they roll easier.
Howard talked about how he smoked from the age of 16 to about 20-something. He said that he was smoking quite a bit by the end. He said he used to sneeze and he'd have this white call come up that was hard and looked just like a golf ball. He said he had to quit after that.
Robin read some news about Roger Clemens who has more women coming out of the woodwork to talk about him. The guys spent a short time talking about that. Robin read a story about the People magazine 100 most beautiful list and some of the people on the list.
Robin read a story about the 73 year old Austrian man who kept his daughter locked in the basement for 24 years. She may have been molested from the age of 11 on. They talked about how creepy that guy is. Howard and Artie were saying that they'd like to play the part of the father in the movie they'll probably make some day.
Robin had some news about Barack Obama and the crazy stuff that's going on with him and Reverend Wright. Howard said that he knew what it was like growing up black for the first 15 years of his life. He said he felt that he lived the black lifestyle for 15 years because he had kids making fun of him for the color of his skin and throwing things at him.
Robin had some news about Hillary Clinton who was on the O'Reilly Factor talking about Reverend Wright. She had some clips of John McCain's wife talking about John and how young he acts for his age. Robin had a story about David Blaine doing a trick where he held his breath for over 17 minutes. Howard said that he doesn't believe it and he thinks that it was a trick of some sort. Fred said that there are people who can hold their breath for 7 minutes when they go free diving. Artie said that if you drive through Philly you can do it for 2 hours.
Robin read some more stories about a woman who had gotten out of jail and never told her husband that she had been in jail before. She had escaped from jail after she was locked up on drug charges. Howard said that they should just let her go because she's been leading an exemplary life from what the story said.
Robin had Howard play some clips from last night's American Idol show. She had some news about Ryan Seacrest talking about Paula Abdul's strange behavior the night before. Ryan said that the rumors were not true and she's part of the family and they love her. Howard said that she can't even keep track of what she has to do as a judge. She only has to go on once a week and tell kids if they're good or bad. Howard said he wishes he had a job like that so he didn't have to sit there for 5 hours a day doing the stuff he has to do.
Gary said that the rumor was that Paula had gone out during lunch and got drunk. The guys said that it's no wonder she couldn't remember what to do then. Robin wrapped up a short time later and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary said that they had a lot of couples who wanted to get in on the contest. He said that there were some who were very willing to talk about how different they were too.
Jon played some audio from the show where Howard was talking to Marie and she talked about her husband's swamp ass smell. Gary said that they asked the guy about that and he admitted it was just his swamp ass kicking in.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that guy was really thinking that he's that much uglier than his wife. Gary said that he wasn't really that bad. Gary said that they're thinking of doing the contest with just staff members too. Jon said that there would be a lot of guys who qualify for that contest.
Gary said that the contest should have been called ''The Biggest Mismatch'' because Aaron wasn't really that ugly. Jon said that everyone was very up front about everything. Benjy was saying that the other two couples seemed to be matched up pretty good in his opinion. They talked about some of the stuff that went on during that contest.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had a question for Gary. He wanted to know what he'd rate himself and his wife on a scale of 1 to 10. Gary said he thinks that he's a 4 and his wife is a 9. Gary said that he thought that Benjy and his ex-girlfriend Sheila were a mismatch. Benjy agrees with him on that because she was pretty amazing.
The guys talked about some of the other staff members and who they've been with. Gary asked if Artie and Dana were still together and were in the contest today, would they have won. Benjy said that they probably would have because Dana is so good looking and Artie has gotten so big.
Gary said that he still looks at the 200 pound Artie and thinks that he'll come back. He said that he thought he was too skinny when he was in ''Beer League'' and he really should have done it at 300 pounds. Jon agreed with Gary on that.
A caller said that he thinks that Howard is not a good looking guy and he thinks that it's all about the money when a woman is attracted to him. He said that Gary can't think that he's a good looking guy. Gary said that he thinks that Howard isn't as bad looking as some people think he is. He said that he's in good condition for his age. He said that he's got a look that works for him too. Benjy said he thinks that Howard is a handsome guy. He said he's got an interesting, cool look.
Gary said that there are a lot of 54 year old guys who look 10 years older. The caller said that Benjy is a mess too and his face is disturbing. He said that he's kind of scary looking. He said that he's really delusional too. Benjy said that he'd be surprised if he saw him in person because he really can look good.
Benjy said that they had a contest where they showed people their best pictures ever and he ended up winning. The caller kept going on and on about how no women in a club would look at any of them in there. He said that it's all about money and women are generally whores. The guy bragged that he had hundreds of women and said that Benjy is never going to have that kind of thing.
Gary had to cut the guy off. He said that after the girl who was on last week that Artie was goofing on about her teeth, he was horrified. He said he had no idea he looked like that. He said that he didn't mean any offense to the girl but he was really bothered by that.
The caller was going on and on about how ugly some of the girls have been on the show lately and he doesn't get why Howard says that they're good looking. Jon let him go and got Ralph on the phone. Ralph had some thoughts on the mismatched people on the show. He said that Benjy and Sheila, Jason and Janet, Artie and Dana were just a few. Gary said that he thinks that Artie and Dana were at the top of that list. Ralph said that Steve the Intern and his girlfriend were also a mismatch but they're broken up now.
Ralph said that he didn't think that Howard and Beth were a mismatch. He said that Stuttering John and his ex-girlfriend Karen were a mismatch. They spent a short time talking about that one and how John wasn't allowed in Karen's parent's house without a hair net.
Ralph said that if that guy Aaron and the chick in the third couple were a couple, then they really would have had a winner. Gary said that if they didn't know Artie and he showed up with Dana, then he thinks that he may have been able to win the contest.
Ralph threw in a plug for ''30 Rock'' and hoped that some people would tune in and watch it because he thinks it's such a great show. They talked about some of the recent episodes and how it's really not getting very good ratings. Jon said he doesn't think that it'll get canceled but it's not the big hit that some people think it is. Ralph also said that Iron Man is worth seeing and said that it's the best.
A caller said that he didn't think the couples in the contest were all that much of a mismatch. Jason said that they have to take what they can get and those are the couples who applied to play. The caller was saying that the chick who won wasn't all that hot in the picture on HowardStern.com. Jason said that he has more pictures of her and that one wasn't a very good one of her. He said he didn't have a lot of time to get a good picture. The caller said that he'd vote for Gary and his wife as the biggest mismatch on the show.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Howard could really get Beth if he wasn't who he is. He said he's the biggest mismatch there. Gary said that he agrees that it's a mismatch but Howard isn't as ugly as he thinks he is.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about Howard's looks and how he's really not a John Stamos type. Gary said that they never said he was. He said he's just saying that he's not as bad looking as he says he is. They had some other examples of famous people who are kind of mismatched in their relationships.
Gary said that they were talking about this stuff earlier in the office and everyone in there is aware that Jason has had these issues for a long time. Gary said that he had a whole range of emotions during that interview and that's the kind of radio he loves. He said that it was real, legitimate and very sensitive. Gary said that when Jason read the IM from his mom and she started to freak out, that was great radio.
Jon talked about Jason and how upset he was about Tom Chiusano talking about his weight. That all led to them talking about Jason and his problems with his mom. Jason said that he's never been that open and honest on the air before. He said that it may not have made things any better though. He said that it's probably going to be worse because he's going to be looked at as the bad guy.
Jason said that he did like that they all backed him up in the conversation. He said that he got some messages from his friends and they all backed him up in his arguments too.
A caller asked Jason if he's bi-sexual or gay because he's kind of effeminate. Benjy said he's not openly... Jason said he's not. The guys said that Jason isn't really effeminate. Will came in and said that Jason does throw parties for his cat and stuff.
Will said that he heard Jason's conversation with his mother on the phone and he was responding to some horrible comments that she's apparently made to him. Will said that he heard one of the worst things he's ever heard when he was on the phone with her. Will said that he said something to her about how she was right about him not visiting his father enough in the hospital. He said that Jason was very concerned for his father's health and she still gave him a hard time about it.
Jason said that he said to her that it would have been nice for her to call him and ask him if he was feeling okay but she didn't do that.
Gary said that Howard was talking about similar things and how he had to put up with stuff like that for years. Jason said that his mother has a good side too and that wasn't fairly represented today. He said that he can't just cut her off like Howard told him to.
Jason said that his mother doesn't seem to know how she treats him and how much he dislikes some of what she does. Gary asked Jason if he goes to the shrink. Jason aid that it's expensive and time consuming so he doesn't go.
Jon went to the phone and took a call from a guy who said that he thinks the Wrap Up Show is genius. He went on to say that he thinks that Howard is a genius when he starts asking the sexual questions. He said that even Jason couldn't stop him. Jason said that he had to turn off the radio when he heard that going on. He actually went into the green room and turned it off so he didn't have to hear it.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Jason's mom about when she last had sex. Jason had asked him to stop the conversation.
Jason said that it was gross to hear his mother talking about that stuff. He said that his mother is 50-something years old and she knows the show like th back of her hand so she can handle it. He said he wasn't going to make Howard stop it.
Gary said that he asked Scott DePace about what he thought about that whole thing and what he would do in that situation. Scott said that he felt bad for Jason but he also said that if that was his mom on the phone, he'd walk into the studio and tell Howard to turn off the fuckin' microphone.
Gary said that they did a show one time where they called their moms and asked them if they had ever had anal sex. That was really uncomfortable for them. Fred's mom was the only one who admitted to have done it.
A caller said that he thinks that Jason and his mother need counseling and they really should go. Will asked if this was his mother's worst nightmare. Jason said it's probably not completely because she probably loved being on the air.
Jason said that he doesn't put up with women being overbearing to him in a relationship. He talked about how great his fiancee is and how she isn't going to sit silently by and let his mother treat him the way she does. Jason said he's not sure how things are going to go between them from now on.
Jason said that he'll see if he can get his mom to send in some pictures of herself when she was younger. The guys were thinking that she might have been pretty hot when she was in college.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they don't need guests on anymore because they could just do this stuff all morning long instead. They have some great skeletons in their closets that they could go through. Jason and Will said that they always wondered why JD wasn't on the air more in the past and once he got on, it was great radio.
Benjy said that they have a guy in the back office who has some great stories to tell but he didn't say who it was. He just threw the idea out and Gary said they'd have to think about that.
Gary said that they did something one time where they were talking about who had the most fucked up life story. Said it was between Howard, Robin, Fred and Gary. they all think that the other people's lives were the most fucked up. Jason said that Fred was pretty fucked up from his upbringing and he may have had the hardest life.
A caller asked Jason if he knew how hot his mom sounded. Jason said all he hears is his mom. He said that the guys can go ahead and fantasize away though. The caller said that his mother came off as a hot MILF to him. Jason said that everyone thinks that his mom was so hot so things aren't all that bad.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable (Thursday nights at 7pm on Howard 101) called in and asked if Jason's idea to work for the show was his mom's idea. Jason said that it wasn't her pushing him. He said that he loved the show and didn't need their approval or anything like that. Jason said that his mom is a hard core fan and she claims that she breast fed Jason while listening to Howard many years ago. They had to go to break a short time later.
Another caller asked if they had ever thought about having a ''Most Pussy Whipped'' game. He said that they could have people like Yucko on the show. He said that his brother has been convinced that he's allergic to beer because he's so whipped.
Gary said that he used to be on that staff pussy whipped list but then Sal arrived and now he's been bumped from the top. Gary said that Stuttering John had his wife pussy whipped and she would do just about anything he wanted her to.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she thinks that Sal is the one who has had one of the more messed up lives. Gary said that he did have a lot of issues but Robin had a father who molested her. The woman said that she hopes that Jason get things resolved with his mother.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that it's weird how Jason has the worst voice on earth and his mother has a hot one. He went on to say that he waited on the air for 2 hours on 2 different phone lines and Howard never picked up on either. Gary said that he'd like to know what it was he wanted to talk about. The guy said he wanted to talk to Artie about the Howard TV episodes with Artie. He said he was going to say that he had been watching it like the Zebruder film. He said he wanted to talk about him and his assistant too.
Will said that this is the kind of stuff he has to deal with every morning. He said it's like pulling teeth sometimes. Jon asked the guy why he called the Wrap Up Show. He went into a really long explanation about why he was calling in. Jon had to hang up on him after a bunch of ''Uhh'' comments from the guy.
Gary said that they had a guy who was calling them for four months and Howard wasn't picking up on him. He said that the guy wanted them to reimburse him for the time he was on hold. Gary said that they didn't tell the guy to call in that much and it wasn't their fault he had worked up a $700 phone bill waiting on hold.
Gary said that he understands that it's hard to get through and they do get very hopeful when they get put on hold. Will and Jason said they had a guy on the phone who waited on hold for 24 hours one time.
Chuck was saying that he thought it was odd that Ant was trying to go back to women after fucking up so many relationships with men. He said he's screwed up a bunch of relationships himself but he's never thought about going to bang a guy. Gary said that he went and checked out that woman that Ant mentioned and she looks very masculine. Benjy said that he thought that she looked like a masculine version of Paula Poundstone.
Jon took another call and the guy said he saw Big Foot up in Vermont yesterday and he was all dressed in black. He said that Big Foot was telling him that he was wearing all black because Gary had gotten him into the mafia up there. Gary joked that he had done that.
Ralph called in and did an impression of the ''Uhh'' guy that was on the phone earlier. He was goofing on that guy while they talked about that guy's topic that they had on their computer screen which was about Sal being mismatched with his wife.
Ralph said that he thought that Fisher Stevens was a big mismatch with a girl he had dated at one point. He didn't think that Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett were that big of a mismatch like the guys in the studio did. Ralph said that Julia has a big horse face and a goofy smile.
Jon and Gary mentioned the Sonos giveaway they're doing which ends on May 5th at Noon. You can find out how to enter at SIRIUS.com/HowardStern.
The ''Uhh'' guy was back on the line and said that Gary was right about what he said earlier about him. Then he apologized and said he hopes that he can come up with more stuff to say when he calls in next time.
Another caller said that he thought it was funny that the guy sat on the phone for two hours thinking that he was going to have something important to say. The guy said that he wouldn't wait on the phone for more than 10 minutes himself.
Jon asked Jason if he was going to be okay. Jason said he'll be fine, life goes on. He said that he's pretty sure that the rest of his family won't call him because they're probably secretly nodding their heads in agreeance with him. The guys had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about being up since 2 in the morning. He said that he was ready to end the show and go back to bed. He talked to Robin about how they've become a national radio station but there aren't a lot of stations who want to pay up to get them in their markets. He said there was someone who wanted to pay $20,000 and that won't even pay for the satellite time.
Howard said he had a miserable week this week because the TV show was supposed to air the Christmas special they had but they had some technical problems and didn't air it. He complained about them sitting on the show and not getting it ready in time.
Howard went on to talk about how all they have over there at channel 9 (WWOR) is garbage. He said it's depressing to go over there and work these days. He said he can't take the incompetence over there. They run the TV show by committee now and they have three baboons there who are nervous about everything that they do. He said he's tried to tell them that they have to let him do his show the way he wants to. They want him to be something that he's not for this syndication deal.
Howard said he's like them to just make a decision over there but they can't just do that. He said that he's the one losing sleep over it, not them.
Howard talked about the show they taped on Friday which was a Howard Stern Roast. He said that was a good one but everything about these people at channel 9 is irritating him. He said he could have walked away from his contract with them because they have breached it several times. He said that he's got good reason to leave and they'd better get their act together.
Robin said that there was an embarrassing moment over there with Clint Holmes. She said that he used to say hello to her but that was before they started talking about him and his show on the air. Howard said that Clint's show is the other one that they produce locally. He said that his show is awful and Clint is very naive about the whole thing.
Howard said that the people at WWOR are out of touch with reality and he knew that this show would be the worst show on TV when they made it. He said that they've given them a ton of money to do the show but it's unwatchable. He said he could tell them why but he's not going to open his mouth about it and give them a clue as to what's wrong.
Howard said that Clint probably thought that he wouldn't talk about him because they're on the same network but that's bull. He said Clint shouldn't take offense to what they have to say because his ratings show him that he doesn't have a good show. He's got a 1.9 rating. He spent a few minutes talking about how bad that show is.
Howard said that they could run that Clint Holmes show backwards and get the same ratings that they have now. He also talked about the news team over there and how awful their news department is. He said that it's all pretty depressing.
Howard went off on the management over at channel 9 and said that they have a committee over there that has to approve everything they do on the show. He said that makes him crazy and he can't believe that those idiots can't get stuff on the air like they should.
Howard said he called Jackie after that went down to find out what was wrong. He said he wanted Jackie to hang out for the commercial he did after the show but Jackie ended up leaving saying that he couldn't hang around. He was all bummed out about the way his roast segment went. He thought that he had bombed.
Jackie said that he was done and he just went home, that was it. Howard said that he heard that the camera guy said that he was just about in tears and getting all upset about bombing. Jackie said that he did feel bad that he didn't do better but he wasn't crying.
Howard said he didn't even know Jackie was upset until the camera guy told him about it. Howard asked Jackie about the roast and why he thought that they asked the audience not to laugh at him. Howard said that they didn't tell anyone not to laugh. Robin said she heard that he did his act fine when he rehearsed it but then he got on stage and bombed.
Howard asked Jackie what was going on because he had never seen him like that. He and Robin continued to talk and didn't let Jackie answer. Howard eventually asked him again and Jackie said that he didn't blame anyone for what went on. He said that he just told some jokes that didn't get laughs and he felt bad about it.
Jackie said that he was pissed off that he didn't do better in the roast and that's it. Howard said that he could have spoken to him about it and maybe he could have talked him through it. He said that everyone was upset that Jackie had left early. Jackie told him to stop with the charade.
Howard said that they he heard that Jackie wanted to do a Sternac bit there at the roast but Dan Foreman didn't want him to do it. Howard said that it probably would have worked and Jackie should have done that.
Jackie said that he feels hurt and defeated so he may leave the show. He said he was just kidding about that though. He said that he didn't want to go through this kind of stuff on the phone with Howard, that's why he didn't pick up and call him back.
Howard did his Jackie impression and talked about this stuff as Jackie may have done if he had picked up his phone. He spent a short time goofing on Jackie about that and said that he's never going to try and call Jackie again since he didn't bother calling him back.
Howard said that he had a number for this pay phone outside of the William Kennedy Smith court case. He called the number and got this guy Tom on the line. Howard said this guy is a court junkie and he's there to see what's happening there.
Howard said that this guy goes out to court cases and gets to sit in on the cases. He heard that this guy asks Smith about Howard Stern. Tom said that it's very funny because there are people quoting Howard down in Palm Beach. Howard said he'd like to see a copy of that.
Tom said that he mentioned Howard's name to Willie and the guy said something about Chivas Regals and he got all excited about that.
Howard asked Tom how he supports himself and still gets to go do this stuff. Tom said that he has a good job where he gets 4 months off a year. He said he's a caddy master at a golf course. He said he makes decent money doing that but he has other jobs as well. He said he makes about $35,000 a year doing that.
Tom said that he gets there at the courthouse at 12:30 in the morning and waits around for them to let people in. He said that the press eats that stuff up.
Howard said that he can't believe that this guy does this. He said that he has to be pretty unmotivated in his life to be like that. Tom said that he's getting his 15 minutes of fame and having fun doing it. He said that he gets interviewed and gets to see this case with just a few people.
Howard said that he'd read a book or something if he had that kind of free time. He wouldn't waste his time going to watch a court case. Howard said he'd never be there like this guy is. Robin said the guy probably has an inheritance and that's how he can afford doing that.
Tom said that he has a home down there that he stays at and he works 8 months of the year. He didn't think this was that big of a deal. Howard said that Tom is just trying to get on TV.
Howard went off on Tom for saying that the people down there were ''so delusioned'' instead of ''delusional.'' Howard wrapped up with Tom a short time later.
Howard and Robin goofed on Tom for a short time after the call. They were talking about that ''Caddy master'' title that he mentioned. They went to break right after that.
Howard said that DeBella is trying to get his show on WNEW but he's not sure that will happen. He said that DeBella claims that he doesn't copy what he does but now the guy is trying to syndicate his show into other markets like he's been doing.
Robin said that the Greaseman is trying to get on in New York as well. She said that he's down in Washington right now but Howard said that he's going to beat that guy very soon. Robin said that if he could beat Howard then they'd bring him right into New York.
Howard said that they have the good talent right there on his show. He said that they're not even in the same business as people like the Zookeeper.
Gange said that he was playing in a Pop Warner league and had to explain to Howard what that was since he had no idea. Stuttering John came in and said that the people in Pop Warner are the people who can't get into real college football.
Howard said that there was some wild stuff on the TV show they shot on Friday. He said that Richard Simmons tongue kissed Sandra Bernhard. He said that he heard from Richard that he had never kissed a woman like that before so it was a new thing for him. Howard said Richard was dressed up like a man and put on a manly voice for the cameras too.
Howard said that Sandra wanted to make out with some girls but Richard was the closest thing she could find. He said that it was pretty outrageous to see the two of them kissing like that. Richard ran out of the room after he did it.
Howard said that Richard was so into being a man that he wasn't even talking about Barbies with his wife. He asked her not to talk about that stuff with him. He said they really should call him and talk to him about this.
Howard mentioned that they're having a Christmas party on Friday. He said that he'd like to have some girls come in and rub them down for the Christmas party. He said that they could have cots in the studio and let the girls oil them up and rub them down. Howard said that sounds like a good Christmas party to him.
Howard did an impression of Gary talking to him on the phone and goofed on him about that. He made fun of the way he speaks and talked about how he was getting a shower from Gary spitting on him while he talks. Howard said that Gary was telling him about how he got a ''Baba Booey'' introduction and the place went nuts.
Howard said that Gary got a good round of applause when he was at this event he was at. Howard said Gary told him that they flew him out on MGM airlines and he felt like a star while he was out there. Howard said that he heard that Gary was on the flight with Bob Mohr from Pirate Radio out there in L.A. He said that he's going to keep an eye on the people over at Pirate Radio. He thinks that it was a mistake for them not to hire him over there.
Howard said that Gary was on MGM with Joan Rivers and she had a seat just for her dog Spike. Gary said that Joan was kind of ignoring him and he was kind of ignoring her but then he went up to say hi to her dog. Howard noticed that Gary had some kind of zit or something on his face. He goofed on him about that for a short time.
Howard had a caller on the line who was joking around with Gary but Howard was kind of ignoring the guy and trying to tell his story. He said that the caller was probably going to bore them with his story anyway.
Howard said that Gary went up to Joan's dog Spike and asked him how he was doing. Gary said he didn't want to bother Joan so he went up to the dog instead. He started petting him and then Joan said that she was so sick and not feeling well. She knew who he was and it seemed like she wasn't in a mood to talk. Gary said he knew that she didn't want to get stuck talking to him for 6 hours on the flight.
Howard said that he heard that Spike may have been recovering from eating some rat poison a few months ago. Howard said that he has an idea who could have fed that dog the poison. He said that Gary knows who he's talking about too.
Howard said that Joan's dog gets treated better than most people do. He said that Joan brings the dog everywhere.
Howard asked the caller what his story was. The caller said that his wife started to get into Howard's TV show and she recently told him that she's been fantasizing that he's Howard when they're having sex. Howard hung up on the guy and said that he should send his wife up there if he thinks that would help. Howard said that the guy was probably not even married.
Howard asked Robin what she likes and what they could get her to do at the Christmas party. Robin said that would not be fun for her and she doesn't want to do anything. Howard said they could have someone spank her or do something with her ''three inputs. Robin said that one of them is closed down indefinitely.
Howard asked Jackie if he's going to mope around for the whole show. Jackie said that he's not moping. Howard said that he did just fine in that roast and he shouldn't be that upset. Jackie apologized for acting the way he was.
Howard said that Jackie was blaming them for his bombing at the roast and it really wasn't their fault. Howard said that Gary was telling him that he was going to make fun of him about the bombing by calling him the ''toastmaster general'' from now on. Howard and Fred said that Gary has been waiting for something like that for a long time so he'd have something to goof on him about.
Howard asked Jackie how he was going to pull himself out of this depression. Jackie said that maybe he should stay home this week. Howard said he doesn't get why he has to threaten him with something like that. He said he's got to do what he's got to do.
Gary came in and talked about how he was going to goof on Jackie by calling him ''Jackie the Joke Man, Toastmaster General.'' Howard figured that was the end of the Gary jokes. Gary and Jackie went back and forth about that stuff for a few seconds.
Howard said that Gary got his jokes out of a Milton Berle joke book. That led to him telling a story about Milton Bearle calling into a show years ago when Joan Rivers was on this show crying about her husband dying. He said it was actually pretty funny.
The caller asked Howard what happened with the channel 9 show last week. Howard went through that story again and went off on the people who run that channel. He spent a short time going off on all of those people and complaining about the way they run the channel.
Howard said that they have just one successful show over there at channel 9. He went on and on about the way they have a committee making decisions over there and how incompetent they are. Very much like he did earlier in the show.
Howard said that the show that didn't air was the Fred bachelor party. Fred said that it was a great one too. He ended up getting pissed off at the management over there again and complained about them for a few more minutes. He said he can't be held up by a bunch of executive idiots anymore. He said he just can't deal with that stuff. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Jackie said that he's going to be doing his roast material at his show. Howard asked him to do some of that material for them but Jackie said he didn't want to do it and they couldn't make him.
Howard gave Jackie his plug and said that he's going to try and get some of the Jackie roast audio for tomorrow's show. He said that was fun for them but not so much for Jackie.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he gets what Howard is going through because he's got a friend who has to deal with similar things at Paramount. Howard said that he was hoping that his show would get a budget but they gave it all to Clint Holmes instead. He said that they gave that guy a slate floor for his set. He said it's too reflective and he doesn't get why they'd do that.
Howard said that he just goes in and does his job. That's all he's ever wanted to do. He said that Tom Chiusano gives him a hard time about some stuff too. He went off on Tom for a short time.
The caller said that he was listening to Mark and Brian and said that they're really lame. Howard said that they still have big ratings out there but he's hoping that history repeats itself and they can wipe them out like they've done to the Zookeeper.
Howard said that when they're on vacation they're going to be running some Best of Stern that Gary was going to come in and talk about. Howard talked about an article about David Letterman's show where they talk about his show being sold to A&E without his knowledge. He said that Letterman is upset about that and he can understand why. Howard said he did tune in the other night to see one of the old shows and it was kind of cool to see it on at that time of night.
Howard said that they're supposed to be rerunning a show where he and Super Dave Osborne were on together. He said that Dave is Albert Brooks' brother. That led to him talking about how Albert Brooks' real name is Albert Einstein.
Howard said that Super Dave's show has been running for years on Showtime but it's just not funny. They spent a short time talking about that show and how often it's on.
Gary came in and said that they're going to be running the Philadelphia rally that they did when Howard beat the Zookeeper. That included the Jackie apology that he had to make after the Jessica Hahn incident. Howard said that was a great moment.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about Jackie's apology and how somber he was that day. Howard asked him about his somber mood today and how long it's going to take him to get out of that. Jackie said he hopes to be able to break his own record with how long he lasts this time.
Howard asked Jackie how he thinks that he was able to keep the audience from laughing at the roast. Jackie said that he's sorry for attacking him about that in his fit if anger.
Gary went through some of the other Best of Stern stuff they were going to be playing. He had a bunch of different things that they were going to have during vacation. Howard asked him to get on some Fred fight stuff.
Howard was talking about Jackie being so quiet today and how odd that was. He said that it's like a deer looking into the headlights. He did his impression of him for a few seconds before having Robin start her news.
Robin read through some more news about that and then Leslie West showed up. Robin said that she probably wasn't going to get out any more stories since he had shown up.
Howard talked to Leslie West for a few seconds. Howard said that Leslie was all excited because he was thanked on a Guns N Roses album.
Howard talked about this rape case that Robin was going over and used his sister in an example while he was explaining how the rape could have happened. He and Leslie talked about that story a little bit and had their own theories on what may have happened.
Leslie was very vocal about the whole thing and he said that he thinks that the guy may have forced himself on her and she may have accepted it at first but then she called it rape after it wasn't as romantic as she thought it was going to be.
Howard asked Leslie to sit down but he was apparently moving around the studio like a mad man. Leslie ended up yelling about how great Howard's show is and how everyone should know that.
Stuttering John came in to tell Howard he had a woman on the phone who wanted to talk about the rape that they were discussing. That led to Leslie doing his Porky Pig impression for John. Leslie said that John can sing really well though. He said he's got some potential there. John thanked him for that.
Howard asked Leslie where he was at 26 years old and if he was in the band Mountain. Leslie said that he was in the band and they had put out their first album by then. He said that they had a record deal but they were very lucky to have that. He told John to keep on plugging away at it even if he doesn't have a deal yet.
Howard told John to get out of there and then got the woman on the line to talk about this rape case. Howard and the woman argued about some of the stuff that they were discussing earlier. Howard asked some questions about the panty hose and what happened to them.
The woman on the phone said that she was raped when she was 25 years old. She told Howard about how the rape happened and gave him some of the details. Howard tried to break her down when he found out that she had been at an illegal club that night and was basically breaking the law herself. She continued with her story and told Howard about what went on that night. She talked about having someone come up behind her and drag her into a spot where they raped her. She said that she didn't remember a lot of what happened that night and she gets why this woman in the case they were talking about.
The woman said that the lawyers will tell you that if you're not sure about something, you're supposed to say that you don't remember.
Andrew Dice Clay came walking in around that time so Howard moved on to him. The woman said that she had some stories about David Brenner that she could tell if they wanted to hear them. Howard put her on hold and got back to Dice. He said he had to go to break a short time later.
Dice said he's working on an HBO special and wanted Howard to do something with him but they weren't able to make that happen the other night since Howard was busy working on his own TV show. Dice said that he wanted Howard to be part of this special but Howard didn't sound like he was all that into it.
Howard said that Dice got a call from Mark and Brian and he wanted him to say that they suck. Dice wouldn't say it. Howard said that he must be a big pussy if he won't say that. Dice said that's Howard's battle, not his. He refused to say anything negative about those guys.
Howard kept trying to get Dice to bad mouth those guys but Dice kept avoiding it. Howard said he doesn't want Dice going on a show that's really lame like that. Dice said he doesn't have a problem with those guys. Howard said that he heard that they called Dice and told him not to go on his show. Dice said that they did do that but he's not going to stop doing Howard's show. Howard said that he's never asked anyone to stop going on someone else's show. He said that's up to him if he wants to go on some pussy boy show like that.
Howard asked Dice what Hot tub Johnny had to say about all of that. Dice said that Johnny is sitting on his toilet with his balls all blown up for some unknown reason.
Howard brought up this weight loss problem that Leslie had going on. He was losing weight and didn't know why. Leslie said that he didn't want to have an AIDS test because he didn't want to find out something like that if he had it. It turns out he had Lyme's Disease and not AIDS. He said that they figured out what the problem was and he's very happy about that.
Dice was talking about these tests and how he hasn't bothered taking one because he knows his girl is clean. Leslie said that this stuff can go back 15 years though so he has to have it checked out. Howard said he had to take a break after Dice got a little crazy with some of the comments he was making.
Howard said that he had to get to this Singalodeon thing that he had. Dice goofed on him about that but Howard said he had to do the commercials. He has no choice.
Howard asked the guys what they wanted to sing and gave them a few choices. They picked a song to sing and Dice was going to go first. They had him singing ''Johnny B Good'' for a minute. Howard cut him off and got back to the guys and spent a few minutes talking to Dice about the shows he's been doing lately. That led to Dice making more ''pussy'' references that Howard didn't want him making. Then Dice was saying ''jerking off'' a few times.
Howard changed subjects and talked about this guitar that Leslie has out now. He said that he designed it. Dice was throwing out some more comments that Howard couldn't let on the air so he asked him to please stop. He said that Dice doesn't know how to talk about that stuff in a safe way. He told Dice that he had to take another break and then they'd get to some more news.
Howard went into a live commercial and ended up talking about the conversation that he had with Dice the other night. He said that he's gotten away with saying the C-word on the s how a lot when he does that nonsense talk that he does. Then Dice was talking about this sponsor that Howard was doing the commercial for so he had to cut him off again.
Howard came back and talked to Dice about doing some late night shows. Dice said he thinks that Leno doesn't like him and he's also kind of scary looking. He goofed on the size of his chin and said that it's like the size of an anvil and he's a freak of nature. He said that the human head usually weighs about 15 pounds but he thinks Leno's weighs about 60-70 pounds. He said that it would make a great paperweight.
Dice said that comedians are supposed to be ugly like Jay so that's a good thing. He said that he's a jerk off though. Dice said that he'd love to sit with Johnny Carson but not so much with Jay. He said that he's not sure what he'd talk about with Jay. He figured it would be something about his dog taking a piss over there in the corner.
Howard said that he was told by Dice to go on a show and just sit there and say nothing for an hour. Howard talked to Dice about doing Arsenio Hall's show and why he does that. Dice talked about doing a show where they brought in a bunch of gay people and he didn't want to talk to them the way they wanted him to. He said that Arsenio is a two faced jerk off. He said that he doesn't think that he's on the outs with Arsenio but he just wants to go on that show and have some fun, not do that serious stuff.
Robin read a story about a girl who died after she got AIDS from a dentist who infected her with the open sores on his hands. They spent a short time on that story. Howard played an audio clip of the woman talking about what she's been put through and said that she sounded like Jackie at the roast last week with no laughs.
Robin read through some more stories while the guys all commented on what she was reading. Dice went off on Arsenio Hall at one point because the guy didn't shake his hand when he was leaving his show. He went off on him for a minute and then went off on some other stuff.
Robin read some more news stories she had. Howard talked to Dice and Leslie about a few various things during those reports. Howard was asking Leslie about his bowel movements and stuff so Dice got in on that and said that Clubsoda Kenny has great bowel movements. Howard cut him off like he didn't want to talk about that anymore.
Dice wondered why Robin was reading these stories in the news if people could just read about them in the paper. Howard sand Robin said they have their own slant on the stories that they like to get out there.
Howard asked Dice about Mark and Brian again and if he thinks that they're really good for his career. Dice said that they're fine. Howard said that Dice is in there telling him how much they suck while they're in commercial break. Dice said that was a private conversation.
Robin mentioned that the new Star Trek movie was out at the theaters and it came in number 1 at the box office. Howard said he wanted to check that one out. Robin had seen it and said that it was great. She finished up her news a short time later with a story about Larry King talking about Zsa Zsa Gabor on his show.
Howard was going to have Leslie play guitar a little bit before they ended the show. Leslie ended up playing some ''Crossroads'' and singing while he played. He kept going for a couple of minutes so Howard said he thought they'd lost him in the music. Leslie finished up a short time later.
Howard and the guys gave him some applause and then Leslie handed Howard his guitar and wished him a Merry Christmas. Howard wanted to play a little bit so he had Leslie hook him up. He played some blues for Dice to sing along to. Dice sang a little bit and then Leslie got in with him. They did that for a minute and then Howard started to wrap up with Dice and Leslie.
Howard said that Dice has been making prank calls to people lately and he conference calls him in on them. He said he's got him laughing when he does that. Howard wrapped up and tried to end the show but he stayed on through a little bit of one song and then they ended the show around 10:00am.