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Howard started off the show by taking a phone call from a guy who wanted to make sure Artie was back. Artie laughed in the background so he was there. Howard said he'd talk about that later in the show. Another caller wanted to know the same thing. Howard went through a few more phone calls and people were all wondering if he was there.
One caller said that it was Howard's fault that Artie did what he did. Another guy said that he wonders why Artie is back and why he gets chance after chance after what he's done. He's fought with a lot of people on the show. He said that there seems to be a double standard there. Howard said that Artie said that he's not a violent guy.
Another caller said that he heard Artie laugh so he knows that he's back. Howard said that it could have been Fred playing a sound effect. Howard told Fred to play the Artie sound effect to prove it was him. It was just Artie laughing on his own though so he was there.
Howard said he'd reveal if Artie was coming back in a moment. He took some more phone calls and one guy told Artie to stop using the show to sell out his stand-up gigs. Another guy said that he wanted to see the fight on Howard TV so Howard had Fred give him a drum roll so he could speak about this whole thing.
Howard asked if Artie was back. Artie said that he was there. He said that it was weird to be back. Howard said he didn't think he'd see him again after that fight with Teddy. Artie apologized to Benjy for what went on since he was holding Artie back during his attempted attack.
Artie said he doesn't remember everything but he may have gotten past Benjy. Howard asked Benjy if he was shard to restrain. Benjy said he was just trying to slow him down. Howard said he had a lot of news reports to play and stuff like that. He asked Artie if he had a statement to make.
Artie said that he takes all of the blame for what happened. He said that he's been treated very nicely about all of this and he really feels like part of the family. He said that Howard talked to him during his busy schedule and so did a bunch of people on the staff there. Artie said he got calls from Mel Karmazin, Don Buchwald and many others.
Artie apologized to the fans and everyone else who has been so nice to him during this whole fucked up thing he did. He said that he's been fucking up in his whole life and this show is the most important thing in his life. He said that ti's probably the only thing that's keeping him alive. He said that he really appreciates what everyone is doing for him.
Artie said that everyone was calling him including David Spade, Norm MacDonald and Jimmy Kimmel. He said that it was an amazing thing. Artie said that it wasn't Teddy's fault and he's not stealing money from him. He said that was in the heat of the moment and he's not a thief.
Howard asked Artie if he was having a bad day that day or something. Artie was supposed to be going to Amsterdam and people were blaming him for instigating the whole thing. Artie said that he got back from Amsterdam and saw all of the newspaper articles about what went on and saw that he had blamed Howard for the fight. He said that he loves Howard and he's really sorry for what he did and they were able to get something into Rush and Malloy's column about that.
Artie said he called Teddy and told him he was sorry for what he did. He said he didn't want him to quit his job or anything like that. Howard said he spoke to Teddy afterward and he was ready to leave if it meant that Artie could stay. Howard told Teddy that he did nothing wrong and he didn't have to leave at all. He told him he wouldn't stand for him leaving there. He said that Teddy was really shook up.
Artie said that he did speak to a shrink about what went on and he heard the West Coast replay. He said that he really went too far with that whole thing. Howard said that he heard from AJ Benza about this fight and he was saying he wanted a second chance. Artie said that Gary said something funny about him beating up Joan Rivers some day. He said he thought that was pretty funny and he hopes that there's something in him that would stop him from doing that.
Robin asked Artie if he saw Jason Reitman when he was leaving that day. Artie said he didn't see him at all. Artie said that was more emotion than he's ever had in his life. He said that when he said goodbye to Howard he really felt bad. He knows that he screws things up in his life and he always ends things badly. From the time that he hugged Howard and went down in the elevator he was so crazed that he felt that he had fucked up his life once again.
Artie said that there were two cops following the cab that he got into after he left and they asked him if he was alright after what went down. Artie said he told them that he was okay and he just fucked up. He said that he didn't go out to the diner that was reported in the news either. He said he did go to a diner but not the one that was in the paper.
Howard wanted to know what he ate. Artie said he had a mozzarella omelet. Howard said he had been eating all morning so he was surprised he went out to eat. Artie said he had some toast and some chocolate milk with the omelet. He loves the milk thing where it comes out ice cold. He said he had some coffee with that as well. He had a chocolate chunk cookie from Starbucks after that.
Artie said that he saw teddy and made eye contact but didn't speak to him. He said that he didn't want to start a conversation and had to think more before saying anything to him. Artie said he thinks that everyone has stock in SIRIUS and everyone had heard about what was going on that day. He said that he got to Amsterdam and there were two guys there who heard what had gone down and told him that they had heard what he did. He said that was way over in Holland.
Artie said that he didn't do any heroin or hookers over there in Amsterdam. He said that the dollar really sucks over there. He said he walked around the red light district and checked out the whores in the windows. He said that it wasn't a good time of day from what he heard from Brian Phelan. He said that some of the women were old and their tits were hanging to their knees. Robin said she saw one over there one time and the woman looked to be about 87 years old.
Artie said that he went to a cafe one day with the guys and he smoked a joint. He said that it was such a smooth feeling. He said that it was like 3 puffs and he was feeling ''beautiful'' like Jimi Hendrix sings about in one of his songs. He said that he smoked the joint, shot some pool and hung out. Artie said that there are a lot of people who sit around the cafe's and just stare off into space. He said that they seem to be the types of people who have no lives and it's over for them.
Artie said that he walked back to his hotel room after the weed. He said that he found a place for pancakes and stopped there. He said that the pancakes are great and they taste like they're home made unlike the stuff you get in New York. He said that they were butter pancakes and really good.
Artie said that he took a total of about 6 or 7 hits over in that cafe and it was fantastic. He said that he had his iPod with him and he was listening to music and eating his pancakes. He was really happy about it when that was going on.
Artie said that he didn't slow down his accent at all so the people must have had a hard time understanding him. He said that they just adjust to their accent though and got him everything he asked for. Artie said that may have been the best afternoon he'd ever had. Other than the fact that he didn't get laid.
Artie said that he went over and laid down and it felt great. He said that he missed dinner that night because he fell asleep and didn't get up until 1 in the morning.
Howard apologized for killing the show on Thursday. He took all of the blame for that. He also took the blame for killing the Howard TV segment. He said he was very scared for both Artie and Teddy. He said that people were bashing him all over the place claiming it was a hoax. Howard said that if it was, Artie was the greatest actor in the world.
Howard said he wanted to do the right thing in that situation. He said that Artie hugged him and said goodbye and he wanted to follow him out of there. He didn't know if he was going to go out and kill himself or someone else.
Howard said that he didn't want to make things worse with Artie and that's why he pulled the replay. He didn't want to drive Artie even more nuts by replaying the show. He told the guys to pull the show and figured the audience would understand. He said that the audience is such a bunch of fuck heads. He said that if they had replayed it, they would have complained about that too.
Howard said that he quickly said to Tim that they should hold off on replaying the show. Artie told Howard he did the right thing by pulling the show. He said that he was thinking about people hearing the replay and he was feeling really shitty about that. Howard said that he wasn't thinking about the ratings or anything like that, he just worried about Artie and Teddy. Howard said he didn't want Artie going on heroin or anything like that so that's why he did what he did.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he was talking to someone and asked if ''he had landed yet'' and they were thinking he was talking about the Pope. He had to correct them and said it was Artie he was wondering about. Dominic also said that people were worried that Artie was going to use heroin over in Amsterdam. Robin said she felt really bad that day but couldn't believe that Artie got on a plane for Amsterdam.
Howard said that Artie left really long messages that he kept. He said that he wanted to call him back but his throat was hurting so he just let him go and waited until the next week to call.
Howard said he called Artie and talked to him about what had gone on. Howard told him that if the show was hurting his health he really should leave. He said that he told Artie that he would do anything to help him out. He said he'd understand it if he had to leave. They started talking and Artie told him that he wanted to come back and be part of the show.
Howard said he knew that he wanted him back and the fans wanted him back but he'd have to speak to the people there about what was going on. He said he met with a bunch of people and they're lucky to have him back. Howard said he feels great that he's back and he hopes that things are going to be okay.
Robin said that this might have been his last chance. He may not get another. Howard said he doesn't think that he has another chance.
Artie said that he went to a medical doctor and the guy told him that he's close to a physical breakdown and he might need to take some time to get healthy. He said that the doctor was telling him he could have a heart attack really easy. He said that the guy wants him to take some time to get himself in better shape but he wanted to come back and make things right there first.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows how Artie felt that day. He said that he thinks Howard was off base thinking that Artie was going to kill himself.
Artie said that now that time has passed he thinks that it would be okay if they replayed that show. He said he wants to see what was going on that day and see it on Howard TV for himself. Howard said that he has a copy but he wasn't even able to watch it himself. He said he was so upset that he didn't know what to do and he was really worried for Artie.
Howard said that he didn't know what condition Artie was in and he didn't want to exacerbate the situation. He didn't want Artie to go out and kill himself or anything like that. Howard suggested that when people see this on Howard TV they'll see just how crazy things looked.
Artie said that he was out doing comedy shows over the weekend and down in Philly he got a 10 minute standing ovation. He said he really realized how great this show is and how great it has been to be part of this big family of the Stern Show. He said that he and Norm MacDonald once argued about Howard being more of an A-list celebrity than even Brad Pitt. He thinks that Howard's fans love him more than they love someone like Brad Pitt.
Artie said that he had an old friend who told him that maybe he should stay on a show where he plays a character instead of being on the Stern Show. The guy told him that he's got all of these problems and they're all going to come out on the air.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he really would have hurt Teddy if he had gotten close enough to him. Artie said that he thinks that maybe he would have grabbed him but he probably would have stopped before really hurting him. He said that he likes to think that he wouldn't have hurt him.
Artie said that he told Howard that he's not a violent person and what he meant by that is that he's never really had an issue in public with fighting or anything.
Artie said that he spoke to a shrink about this stuff and the guy told him that he's been exhibiting a lot of extreme behavior lately. He said he thinks that he might need to do therapy and he's made a commitment to this shrink. He said that Dr. Keith Ablow called him and reached out to him as well.
Riley said that everyone gets pissed at some time in their life. He said that they can't stop his career because of that one time.
Howard asked Riley if he's done with his show now. Riley said that he ''accidentally'' signed up for 6 more months. Riley said he spoke to Tim and he wants to send him a sack of potatoes for crying about being broke. He ended up not getting one cent more but signed up for 6 more months. He said that he felt really bad for Tim. Howard said that he hadn't heard this news over vacation but that was good news.
One caller asked about Teddy and how he had asked for more money to do his job. Artie said that he thought it was funny that he asked for 1 percent of his income. He said that Teddy is a good guy but things weren't working out for him and there was a lot of stuff going on that he can't deal with. He said that he told Teddy that maybe he can find someone to deal with some stuff and let Teddy do the stuff that he's good at. He said that he's great on the gigs and stuff so he can help out with the road stuff.
Artie said that he's going to let Teddy do some stuff for his web site too. He said that he's going to work with him but not let things get too crazy.
King of All Blacks called in and talked about some comments that Bill Maher made about the Pope and how he should wear a slip underneath that dress of his. Howard said that's just a joke and not an unacceptable comment. Maher has been under fire for making that comment though.
King of all Blacks said he thinks that Artie was bringing out his resentment for Howard during that Teddy fight and it wasn't so much about Teddy. Artie said he doesn't believe that's the case at all. King said that he thinks that it will come back and there will be another fight but maybe it won't go that far next time.
Howard said that he doesn't feel that Artie resents him at all like Jackie did. He felt that Jackie did resent him but he doesn't get that from Artie. Howard said he felt that Jackie felt like he made his career and he deserved more from the show than he was getting.
Howard said the dress looked like something the Wright Brothers would have invented. Robin swore that she picked it out herself. She said that she wasn't able to wear a coat because of the arm tethers. She said that she wasn't even able to raise her arms too high because it lifted the dress up.
Howard said that John McCain can't raise his arms because he had a terrible time over in Viet Nam during the war. He said that Robin was restraining her arms with a dress. He said it was really wild and he's never seen an outfit like that. He figured that she would fly if they threw her out a window. Robin said there were holes in the arms and she would just sink. Robin said that she wore the same outfit on the Donny Deutsch show because she thought it looked so good.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to know when they can air that Artie show. Doug Goodstein said that they're going to try and get it up by tonight at Midnight but it may take an extra day. They are preparing the show as they speak.
Howard asked Tim Sabean about the audio replay of the Artie fight. Tim said that they can air it this weekend if he wants.
Artie said that he caught a bulk of the Stuttering John Spotlight show and it was great. He said that he was a huge fan of the show and he loved all of the stuff he was hearing about John. He didn't want to get out of his car while he was listening to it. Howard said he was listening to it in his shower and ended up sitting in his bathroom listening for a while. He loved Fred doing his impression of John.
Artie said that he liked hearing some of the stuff that John was doing like taking money from Robin's purse and asking her if he could borrow it after he had already taken it.
Howard said he didn't feel that what Bill said was all that wrong. He was talking about religion being a cult and that's basically what he thinks organized religion is. He said that he loves when people go off on this Scientology stuff because it's just another wacky religion. He said it's about as believable as some of the wacky stuff that's in the bible.
Howard and the guys talked about the priests problems with molesting young boys and how they get away with it because they're priests. IF they were in one of these so-called cults, they'd be investigated by the feds.
Howard played more of Bill Maher's comments about the Pope and he was pointing out that if the guy was in charge of a day care center, he'd be arrested faster than you can say ''Do you want to touch Mr. Winkle?''
Howard said that the Pope gave SIRIUS a shout out. He played the audio of that shout out but it was kind of hard to understand with that German accent he has.
Howard said that he learned that the red shoes that the Pope wears are just a weird fashion statement that goes back to some previous Pope who wore the red shoes. Robin said that there's no reason for him to wear the robes either.
Howard said that he must have gotten the shoes at ''Bloomies'' bringing things right back to Artie's fight with Teddy. Artie said that they were printing in articles that he had gotten pissed at Teddy for saying ''Bloomies.'' Artie said that he couldn't explain why he got so upset about that.
Artie said that they were out in L.A. that weekend and they love to bust Teddy's balls. He said he told Teddy to go out and buy him a shirt to wear and on the way to the gig Teddy told him that he had tried ''Bloomies'' and that led to him goofing on Teddy. Nick DiPaolo was in the car at the time and he wondered what the fuck he was talking about. Teddy said that his mother used to call it that. Artie said that they ended up goofing on him the whole weekend about that. It really got under his skin.
Artie said that he was over in Amsterdam and was in one of these Gondolas getting a tour and the guy piloting the boat had a German accent. He said that the guy was pointing out a lot of stuff there. He showed him Anne Frank's house and then the guy put his head down and told him about this place that's really great for pancakes. He thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said that they had to go to break but mentioned that Neil Patrick Harris was going to be coming in. They spent a minute talking about him and about other child stars that haven't turned out so normal. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he had a lot of shit going on during vacation with the cold, Artie's thing and other stuff. He said that he didn't know what was going on with Artie but everyone was asking him about it. He said that his hair stylist Toni was asking him and he just told her he didn't know.
Howard said that Neil Patrick Harris was there so he had to get to him. He said that Mary McCormack told him to be nice to him and he doesn't know why he wouldn't be nice to him.
Gary came in and said that Richard and Neil were out there talking about this Harold and Kumar movie they're in together. They were out there talking about being haunted house fans.
Ralph called in and asked what's going on because he just woke up and didn't know. Howard told him to check his e-mail because he tried to get through to him that way over the weekend. Howard said he's not going to tell him if Artie is in or not.
Howard said that he and Robin were huge fans of Doogie Howser when Neil was starring in that. He said he used to be a fan of this ''How I Met Your Mother'' but not so much now.
Neil came in and told Howard that he's a fan of the show but he can't get Howard TV on DirecTV so he has no visual reference to any of this. He said he doesn't know what Eric the Midget or Blue Iris looks like. Howard told him that they might have a picture of him to show. They showed it to him a short time later and Neil said that he didn't know what to expect. He said it's sadder than he thought it would be.
Neil said that he likes the studio and how nice it is. Howard introduced the guys in the studio to Neil and then showed a picture of Blue Iris. Artie did his impression of Blue a little bit. Neil then met Fred who had stepped out for a moment.
Howard asked Neil if he was pushed into the business by his parents. Neil said that he actually went to a drama camp and ended up getting into it that way. He said that his parents moved out to L.A. with him and kept the family together. He talked about the Doogie Howser show and how that ran for 4 years. He said that it wasn't like a sitcom and they did it with just one camera.
Howard asked if Neil made some good money and maybe retire on that. Neil said that it was good pay but not that kind of money. He said that it was kind of tough for his parents to do what they did so they did take a little bit of a salary. He said it was kind of strange there for a while.
Howard said that Neil did some strange shows over the years but then he got this ''How I Met Your Mother'' show and did really well with that. He also did some Broadway shows like ''Proof,'' ''Cabaret'' and ''Assassins.''
Howard said that a lot of kids don't make that transition into an adult career after doing stuff as kids. He said that most of the kids don't grow up looking that good. He said that this guy Mason Reese is one of those. The Beaver, Jerry Mathers, is another one. Howard threw out a few other names of kid stars who look kind of odd as adults.
Eric the Midget called in and said hello to Neil. Neil asked if he had made his short movie yet. Eric said that he has not yet made it. Howard had Eric on the studio monitors since he was on his web cam. Howard asked Eric if he wanted a job on that ''How I Met Your Mother'' show. Eric said he just wanted to say hi after hearing him talking about him earlier. Howard told Eric to call back later because he was slowing down the show. He hung up on him and saw that he said ''fuck'' after the hang up.
Howard got back to Neil and talked about ''How I Met Your Mother'' and how the hot chick, Cobie Smulders, on that show is looking kind of chunky. Neil said that she actually lost weight from what he knows. Howard said that he thinks she doesn't look as good as she used to. Howard said he doesn't want to tune in to see reality, he wants to see thin chicks. He said that's why he stopped watching the show.
Howard asked Neil about the Britney Spears controversy on that show he's on. Neil said that things got very weird when she was on. He said that they had people taking pictures all over the place and some other odd stuff. He wasn't upset about her doing the show though. He said that she did a good job on the show. Howard agreed.
Howard said that Britney has to be whacked out of her skull for losing her kids and stuff like that. Neil said that she was very quiet and kept to herself while she was there. He said that she's got people watching her all the time when she's out on the set like that.
Howard said that Mike Walker told them that most of the cast were upset because she smelled bad. Neil said that wasn't true at all. He said that she smelled like perfume. Artie said it would be great if he confirmed that it was a true story. Robin said that maybe it was someone in the crew who said that she smelled bad. Neil wondered who would tell Mike Walker something like that.
Neil said that he was asked a question about Britney being brought on to the show and they didn't even bring her name up when he was asked about it. He said that he doesn't think that they need celebrities to be brought on the show but he wasn't referring to Britney when he gave his answer.
Howard talked about how Neil plays this really manly guy on the show and it turns out that Neil is gay. That came out in the news after this show had started. Neil said that he had checked with the producers before he made any statements. It was Perez Hilton who was trying to out him so hard. He said that he responded to that by coming out and saying that he was gay and he'd had a boyfriend for 2 and a half years.
Artie asked Neil if he ever confronted Perez Hilton. Neil said he didn't. He said that he thinks that in Perez's world that's not something you hide. Howard said that it could hurt Neil's career to come out like that and Perez could have caused some problems.
Howard said that he watches some of these Rock Hudson movies now and thinks differently of the guy but it really doesn't make that much of a difference. Howard said that Gary thought about that for a few episodes but eventually dropped it and figured he was just playing a character. Howard said he thought it was a non-issue at this point.
Robin asked Neil if his career has changed after that. Neil said that he's getting the same kind of offers and he's pretty sure it didn't make a big difference.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Perez Hilton is a dick and he shouldn't be outing people the way he does. Neil said that's his job though and that's what he does. Ralph said that Perez is such a ''fuckin' faggot'' because he's so annoying the way he does things. Ralph thinks that Perez tries to out people who he's attracted to and wants to be gay. Howard said that he visits Perez's web site and he's even had him on the show.
Eric the Midget called back and said that he caught at the end of an episode a reference to Doogie Howser. He thought that was pretty cool. Howard hung up on him again after that and didn't let him get in much more than that.
Howard asked Neil about all of the chicks he could have gotten when he was growing up. Neil said that he was able to get some chicks. Artie said that he has a theory that some women are so sensual that even a gay guy would enjoy it if they were with them.
Howard asked Neil when he figured he was gay. Neil said it was probably at 13 or 14 when he first thought about it. He said that he was a late bloomer through puberty and always felt awkward. He said that he wasn't feeling so sexual back then. He said his ears were big back then and he actually had them pinned back later on. He said that they used to stick out a lot so he had them pinned back. Artie told him that it would be something to hang on to when his boyfriend is blowing him.
Neil said that he probably had 15 chicks when he was growing up. He said that he had 2 girlfriends who were kind of prudish when he was about 15. He said that he would try to feel them up and she'd pull back and not let him feel her up. He said that if they had been whorish things might have been different. He said that it was nice when he banged a chick for the first time. He said that it was really fast and she left pretty quick after that.
Howard said that it was amazing that he didn't last long with the chick. Neil said that anything warm in side feels nice. The guys asked him if he ever made out with Max Casella. Neil said he never did and Neil is ''Jersey straight'' and not into that kind of stuff. He said he's still in contact with Max, who co-starred with him on Doogie Howser, and he thinks he's out doing a play on Broadway.
Howard talked to Neil about who his first gay experience was with. Neil said that he was working in the play ''Rent'' when he hooked up with a guy for the first time. That led to the guys talking about having gay kids and what that would be like. Howard said that he doesn't think he'd have a problem if he had a son that turned out to be gay.
Artie said that if he had a kid who turned out to be gay he'd give the kid a hug and tell him that he loves him. He said that he'd be concerned for him but it's a crazy world out there and there are going to be people who can't accept it.
Neil said that his parents were afraid he was going to be on crystal meth and having sex with all kinds of crazy people. Artie joked that he'd kill the guy that his son was fuckin'. Neil said that he and his partner have been together for about 4 years now and they are talking about getting married.
Ralph called in again and asked Neil if he's top, bottom or versatile. Howard told Ralph he's versatile just like he is. Howard asked Neil some more questions about the boyfriend and about his past experiences. Neil joked that the guy who took his gay virginity was Malcolm Jamal Warner after Ralph asked about that.
Artie figured out that Neil was probably making between 50-75,000 per episode. Neil said that it was closer to the lower end. He said that it's an ensemble cast so they make less there. He said that Allison Hanigan is probably considered the big star of that show. They spent a minute talking about her and how she's married to one of the guys from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Howard asked Neil if he ever got any famous chicks. Neil said he did. He said that the one chick he got is married to another star now and it would be best if he didn't mention the name. Howard guessed it was Angelina Jolie so Neil played along with that for a minute.
Howard wanted to know who this woman was. Neil said that it was Christine Taylor, Ben Stiller's wife. Neil said that he knew that if he didn't feel the sparks with her that he must be gay. He said that he was kind of bummed out that he couldn't focus on the girls.
Artie said that Christine is very sexual and he's been around her and knows how hot she is. Howard said that he has a friend who makes love to women all the time. He said that he thinks the guy is gay but the guy is always telling him about his sexual activities and how he bangs these chicks in the ass before he even goes to the vagina. Howard asked Neil if he's ever thought about doing that. Neil said he never did.
Artie asked Neil if he ever got any famous gay guys. Neil said he never did. Artie suggested George Takei. Neil said he just met George recently and he turned out to be a very nice guy.
Neil told Howard that his worst fear about coming out would be doing the Stern Show. He was afraid of the way they were going to treat him there. He said he was having a good time today though. Howard said that Mary McCormack, his movie wife, had sent him a note asking him to be nice to Neil today and he really resents that. He said that he would never do anything mean to someone like Neil.
Neil said that he asked Mary for some advice so that must be where the letter came from. He said he was terrified to do the show today. Howard said that Mary loved doing the kissing scenes with him and they ad-libbed some of the kisses and boob grabs he did. Howard asked Neil if he could get it up for Mary. Neil said ''Absolutely'' and laughed.
Howard asked Neil about working on ''How I Met Your Mother'' and what that's like. He told Howard how rough the schedule is and how they change the script over a few days.
Howard asked Neil about this new ''Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay'' movie he's in. He talked about the creators of the movie and how they were fans of the show.
Howard gave Neil an F, Marry, Kill game to play. He gave him Sylvester Stallone, John Travolta and Tom Cruise. He said that he'd probably fuck Sylvester, kill John Travolta and marry Tom Cruise. Howard gave him another one with Leno, Letterman and Conan O'Brien in it. Neil said he'd fuck Conan, kill Leno and marry Letterman. Howard went over that stuff with him and Neil said that he really doesn't like Jay because he seems to bring people on the show just to make fun of them.
Neil said that Leno actually saved him once when he did this magic trick on the show. He said that he was doing this whole set up with this clock he had where he could set up the time remotely. He said the trick didn't work at all and he kind of panicked and started cursing thinking that they'd cut it all out. He said he thought that they were going to edit it out and that's exactly what they did.
Ralph gave Neil an F, Marry, Kill with Howard, Fred and Gary in the group. Neil said he'd fuck Howard, marry Fred and kill Gary. Howard told Fred to put his penis in Neil's mouth to see how that would be. Fred said that doesn't happen until they get married. Artie told him that by not talking about the guys he's been with, he's already fucked Howard.
Howard asked Neil about ''How I Met Your Mother'' and how that's doing in the ratings. He said that they're up against Dancing with the Stars and they're having a hard time keeping up with that. He said that dancing show isn't even that good so he doesn't get it. He said he does watch some of the reality shows. He said he likes the real ones, not the scripted reality shows. He said that he doesn't like shows like The Bachelor because they're so fake.
Neil said he loves Survivor, Amazing Race and American Idol. He thinks that David Archeletta is going to win this season. He said that guy would make a perfect American Idol. Neil said that he even votes when he watches the show.
Artie said that two people in the room have voted for American Idol and one of them is gay. He said that Howard was the other one. Howard said that he has voted a few times. He voted for Sanjaya and for Kelly Clarkson. Howard said that there's no one as bad as Sanjaya this season.
Howard asked Neil how weird it would be to have to make out with Britney Spears on ''How I Met Your Mother'' if she returns and plays his girlfriend. He thinks that it would be awesome.
Howard gave Neil a plug for ''Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay'' and talked about that for a short time. He mentioned that in the movie Harold and Kumar are trying to get to Amsterdam to smoke more weed. He talked about how he's going out there soon and he can't wait. Artie told him how great the weed is over there.
Howard said that Neil is also part of this Justice League cartoon. Howard said that he would love to get that kind of work himself. He said he'd like to play a villain or something. Neil said that they could sell a ton of DVDs if he was doing the voice of a villain. Neil played the Flash in one cartoon and did the voice of Spider-Man in another animated series.
Howard said that he'd do the voices just for the fun of it. He said that he wouldn't care so much about the money. Neil told him about all of the different types of voices and sound effects that he had to do. Howard said he could do that and demonstrated some of the noises he could make. Fred threw in some sounds as well as they were talking about that.
Neil said that he has sex with this woman in the new movie and she has the biggest tits in the world. Howard interrupted that and said that he heard that Jason was asked, by Tim Sabean, not to talk about using drugs over in Amsterdam. Howard said he heard that Jason is the biggest pot head in the world. Artie said that he tried to talk to Jason over there but he was a real zombie and emotionless while he was over there.
Howard heard that Brian Phelan was even worse than Jason was. Jason said that it was non stop going at it over there. Howard heard that his eating was out of control too. Jason said that's bullshit and he hardly ate over there.
Shuli came in and said that they were all out eating and Jason was eating quite a bit out there. He said that he ordered pancakes and eggs and they were two different plates full of food. Neil saw Shuli and seemed surprised at what he looks like.
Howard asked Tim to come in and explain why he doesn't want them talking about drugs. Tim said that they want them to act responsibly and not talk about drug use. Tim said that's fine if he wants to talk about it with Howard. Gary asked Tim if he had a talk with someone else and that's where this is coming from. Tim said he hadn't but the guys seemed to think that he had.
Howard kicked everyone out and wrapped up with Neil a short time later. Richard Christy is also in the new movie playing a Klan member. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had some various audio clips to play. The first one was John McCain talking about the state of the country and he slips up and says ''credit cunt'' instead of ''credit crunch'' at one point. Howard and Artie seemed to like that one.
Howard had another clip of a news reporter saying ''shit'' on the air. In that clip the reporter is talking about a ship sinking and says shit instead of ship.
Howard had another clip of a sports reporter saying that David Kennedy had been ''jerked off'' out in the field. He quickly played another one where an umpire says ''fuck'' during and ESPN broadcast.
Howard had a phony phone call that Sal and Richard made using clips of him doing his mother's voice during a recent segment. They edited some clips and called a gay phone sex line with those clips. Howard played that call where he's asking the gay guy to give it to him. The gay guy starts going at it with the clips. They had Howard moaning with the guy on the line and asking the guy to show him his horse cock and things like that.
Howard said that the Pope was there in the city so they sent Sal out to ask some Catholic people what they thought about him being there. In the first clip Sal asked a woman what she thought about the Jews complaining about the Pope stealing attention away from Passover. The woman said she didn't know much about the Jewish people but it could be much less annoying living in a country without Jews.
In another clip Sal asked a Muslim guy what he thought about the Pope and he was telling him ''screw them all.'' He said that the Pope is nothing and everyone knows he's nothing.
Howard said he had a clip of Crazy Alice calling in and talking about how upset she was. She had a breakdown over that whole thing. Artie said he heard about that on a news brief.
Howard said he had some news clips about Artie and some Stuttering John clips as well. He said that John was on the Tonight Show as a guest because he was out to promote his new movie. Howard said that Robin was on a bunch of shows too.
Howard played some of the reports about Artie's breakdown on the air. Artie said that it was an unbelievable embarrassing breakdown. The first clip was one where they reported about Artie's fight with Teddy and how it all came about. They threw in some of the comments that Artie had made about Teddy during that argument. Howard said that report actually came from Toronto.
Howard said that it really pissed him off that people thought this was a stunt. He played another one from a FOX affiliate where they reported on the fight. That led to Howard talking about how he was afraid that Artie was going to lunge at him when he was saying goodbye.
Howard said that he's the only one who has a copy of Artie's meltdown on video but they will air that this week on Howard TV. He said that people were angry with him about not playing the replay last week but they can hear his explanation for that on the replay today.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she was very upset about Artie leaving and she didn't know what she would do if he really left.
another woman called in and said that she wanted to know more about this stuff during the week and they didn't give anyone any information. She said that it was like Howard was glossing over this stuff today. She said that they didn't touch on how Artie is feeling and how his trip to Amsterdam went. Howard said that they already spoke about that stuff. She wanted to hear what Gary had to say about it too.
Howard said that Gary was talking to him about how he doesn't understand how Artie can piss all of this great stuff away. Gary said that Artie has all of this great stuff and has a lot of people who love him and he doesn't seem to see that.
Howard said he thought that if Artie had heard that show again on the air, it could have set him off again. He didn't want to aggravate the situation so that's why he pulled the replay. Artie said that was the right way to do things and he made the right decision.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys had a clip of Artie blowing up in the studio that they were going to play. They played the clip a few seconds later and we heard the part where Artie got up and went after Teddy. Artie said that he has a great arm and that showed when he threw his water. He said that was the most disturbing thing he's ever seen.
Howard went to another call and the guy said that he thinks that Artie had a moment of clarity and he sees how great he's really got it. Artie said that he had a good point. Artie said that when he talks about leaving the show, it's not about the show, it's all about him. He said that it did give him a moment of clarity when he saw how much people love him unconditionally.
Another caller said that it was all Howard's fault for doing what he did. Howard said that he spoke to Robin about that and they have all aired really intense emotion on the air but there is a point when they go too far and they have walked off the show. He said that this is going to happen on the air all the time and he doesn't feel responsible for what happened.
Artie said that he promised that he would never do that again on the air and he screwed up. He said that Teddy had no reason to believe that this was going to happen and it really wasn't Howard's fault. He said that a lot of stuff has happened since then and this guy is off base blaming Howard.
Ralph called in again and said that Howard is responsible in a way because he loves arguments. He said that people want to perform for him and that might be why someone might go too far like that. Ralph was also kind of upset that Robin didn't call him to go to her big charity event. He said that she does that when she's dating someone. Robin said it was just an oversight on her part.
Howard said he heard that Dominic was at the event and heard that he's fatter than ever. Robin said that she was watching 60 Minutes last night and they were saying that people don't gain weight back after those operations but he did and now he's walking around with a cane.
Howard said that he heard that Dominic had to order a big portion of pasta at the event even though they weren't serving pasta at the event. He just couldn't eat the stuff that Robin was having served. Artie said that's just weird.
Ralph said that Dominic bought up all of the raffle tickets they were selling and Dominic wanted someone else to split the cost with him. Then Dominic won like 4 or 5 things and then gave them away so this other guy wasn't going to get anything.
Dominic called in and said that he's not as fat as he used to be. He said that he can't eat the food that they were serving at that event. That's why he ordered the pasta. He said that this wasn't about him either. Howard asked him about the cane and why he's doing that. Dominic said that he's having an operation on that this week.
Dominic said that he didn't want to talk about himself, he wanted to talk about this charity event. He was ignoring Howard's questions. Howard tried to find out more but Dominic was telling really annoying stories. He was there putting his hands on Don Buchwald and annoying the crap out of him.
Howard let Dominic go and took a call from Ed Torian the Lie Detector guy. He told Artie that he's glad that he's back on the show and that he's the man. He said he knew that he was going to make it back.
Artie said that he respects Fred's opinion and said that he's right. He said he has no explanation for that behavior.
Fred said that he didn't even know what was going on at the time and didn't realize that Artie was going after Teddy until it had already happened.
Howard said that Teddy was there but he wasn't sure if he wanted to bring him in again. He said he might say ''Bloomies'' and that might set him off again. That led to Howard playing a clip of Robin saying ''What the F is going on here!?'' right after Artie snapped that day.
A woman called in and told Howard that he was probably right for not replaying those shows that day. Howard said that he knows that some people disagreed but he felt that it was the right decision.
Ralph called in AGAIN and said that he doesn't get the Bloomies comment and he really should have punched Teddy in the face over that. Howard told him he's wrong about that. Artie said that it was kind of ridiculous. Ralph asked if he has been fired. Artie said that right now Teddy isn't his assistant but they're going to work something out.
Howard asked Teddy to come in if he wanted to. teddy came in and said that he didn't see Artie out in Amsterdam. He said that he made sure he kept his distance from him out there. He said that he did have a good time out in Amsterdam. He said that he is worried about Artie and he was worried about the show. He said that he'd be getting death threats if Artie didn't show up today.
Howard asked Teddy if he's still trying to get some of Artie's income. Teddy said that right now he's not doing anything for the guy but they will talk. Artie asked him if he wanted to be his road guy. Teddy said he can't agree to do anything for him at this point. He said it's too soon.
Artie asked Teddy if he was the spy for the NY Post article about them seeing each other at the airport. Teddy said it was probably Brad Driver who reported it to Howard 100 News and then Page Six picked it up off of that report.
Teddy said that it's just too soon to do anything for Artie right now. Artie said that he feels bad that he's taking income away from Teddy. Teddy said that everything is fine, he's talking to his family about that stuff.
Double A called in and said that Artie must have gotten some lecture because he's acting so strange today. Howard went to another call from a guy who asked if Senator Arlen Specter had crossed paths with Scott the Engineer because his cancer is back. Howard heard that he got it and it really saddened him. He said that he did cross paths with Scott and shook hands with him.
Howard said that he heard that Artie had called Gary after the Teddy fight and talked about the guy from the E Street Band who had just passed away.
Howard said he was thinking about erasing the voice mail messages that he got from Artie. Artie said it was up to him but Howard said he wasn't sure if he could delete them or not. He said that Artie did break down in the calls so he might have to wait and replay them for Artie first.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Teddy was walking around in disguise over in Amsterdam so Artie wouldn't see him. He showed them a picture of him in the disguise and got some laughs from Artie.
Howard moved on to play some clips of Crazy Alice talking about Artie and how she wanted him to come back to the show. She broke down and cried talking about that stuff. She blamed Howard for being too hard on Artie and making him do what he did.
Ralph called in AGAIN and told Howard he has to play those voice mails from Artie. He said that he goes on and on for like 2 hours in them. Ralph said that he has to play them because they were so great. Howard said that he'll play them if Artie okays it after hearing them.
Howard played another clip where a reporter talked about Artie's walk off. That reporter was upset about him walking off as well. The guy on that show was from Fort Myers, Florida and he was very nice about the whole thing.
Robin said that she was amazed at how many people heard that segment. it seemed like everyone had heard it and that's not possible on satellite radio.
Howard said that Stuttering John was out being interviewed by Jillian Barberie and ended up talking about the Artie thing with her. John told Jillian that he had tried to call Artie but he didn't call him back. He didn't think it was a stunt. Jillian was talking about Artie's weight and stuff like that with John. The guy on that show asked John if it was true that Artie had been hired to be Craig Ferguson's announcer. John seemed to find that pretty funny.
Howard played another clip where these newscasters reported about the walk off. Howard said he's really annoyed that they play the show in the background as they report on this stuff. He played one more where the reporters talked about the fight and then went into a story about Vanilla Ice getting into some trouble with the law.
Artie said that Mel Karmazin was very nice and so was Greenstein and all of those guys. He said he had a meeting with Don Buchwald too. He said that there's something very soothing about talking to that guy because everything seems fine when you talk to him. He said that it was like therapy with him.
Howard said that he had some stuff going on in his life last week and Don put it all into perspective for him and he felt a great release after that talk. He said that he really does put him at ease. Howard told Artie that before he had Don in his life he had no guidance. He said that he needed someone to turn to and Don turned out to be a great guy. He said that maybe Artie needs someone like that.
Artie said that he and his manager Peter were close but he's got a new management team now. He said that every famous person he's worked with would be insanely jealous of the relationship Howard has with Don. Howard said he feels like he has a friend with Don as his agent. He said he gives him very good common sense advice. Artie said that Don is really great and he realized how and why he's successful after hanging out with him.
Howard said he heard that the girls weren't that hot but the guys were telling him that there were some hot ones there. Jason said that he saw some really smokin' hot chicks over there. He said that they have different girls at night than they do during the day. Artie said he saw the girls in the afternoon and they weren't that hot.
Jason said that the girls there were so hot that they could be models here in this country. Jason told the guys about the stuff that goes on over there and they wondered how he knew. Jason said that he asked questions while they were over there. Jason said that you can't touch the girls for the flat rate of 50 Euros. He said that you have to pay extra to touch their boobs and stuff.
Jason said that the weed was great over there. He said that what Artie smoked was something called ''Northern Lights.'' Gary heard that they saw a whore come out chasing one guy out of the room that she was in and hitting the guy.
Jason said that the whores will knock on their windows and try to get your attention as you walk by. They'll even come out and pull you into the room. He said that some of the girls are Pam Anderson hot too.
Gary said that the hottest girls are out on weekend nights. Ralph was back on the phone and talking about the whores and saying that if you do something like that, you're still a loser. He said that if you're getting a chick like that, you're a loser.
Howard heard that Jason was eating French fries drenched in mayonnaise and his weight is out of control at this time. Ralph told him he's not just fat, he's really wide. Jason said that everyone was eating over there and he was just eating what he had available. He said that he was stoned and drinking so he was eating too.
Jason said that they did this one thing over there called Pure THC that was pretty intense. Ralph said he would never fly 8-10 hours just to go smoke pot.
Brian Phelan came in and talked about Jason getting high and what he does. They ended up talking about Brian puking through his nose at one time. The guys were all over the place talking about the stuff that they were doing over there. Shuli came in and said that Brian had taken too many mushrooms over there and took them with alcohol which is something you're not supposed to do.
Howard heard that Jason canceled his gym membership so he could afford to go over there. He said that wasn't true. Shuli told Howard about the mushrooms you can buy over there and how they have descriptions for what they do. Brian said that he just wanted to laugh so he took the lightest ones.
Howard said he had to get to this win Fred's Money game and wanted to wrap this up. Then he found out that Jason was only 29 years old and said that he thought he was much older. They spent some time talking about that.
Artie was saying that people are thinner over there in Amsterdam because they all have to get around on bikes. He said that the bathroom was very small and he could barely fit into the room.
Howard heard that the guys watched a girl being robbed out there in Amsterdam and they didn't bother helping her. Jason said that they did that and then asked the woman for directions because they were lost. They didn't go to help her at all.
Will told Jim to tell the story about how they met. Jim said that he met her in a cab that he shared with her and he was able to convince them to come up to his apartment with him. He got her up there. Jason came in and said that she would have been a 7 in the window over in Amsterdam.
Sarah said that she was a massage therapist so Artie asked her to go with him to the Four Seasons with him right then. Howard asked how that all goes down. She said that she gets hit on all the time and she's had guys pop rods while she's massaging them. She just ignores them. She said she gets $60 per massage.
Howard had Sarah get behind their curtain and disrobe so they can prepare for Jim to lose. She said that she has been a stripper so she has taken her clothes off in front of men before. That was when she was 21 but she didn't like having guys stare at her.
Howard said he hopes that Jim loses today. Howard said that the $5,000 is coming from Howard TV. They're promoting their new Bowling Beauties show that's starting soon.
Fred went off into Robin's booth and Howard spent another minute with Sarah before reading the questions. Here's what he asked
Howard asked if she would give a massage naked. She said it would only happen if the guy was her boyfriend. Howard said that she must be up for anything sexually. She aid that she's up for doing anything once. She had tried anal once. Howard told her that she might want to try Artie just once. Jim said that he hasn't done anything too crazy with Sarah.
Howard got in a plug for the Howard TV show since they were sponsoring this segment. He asked Sarah about how many times she and Jim could have sex in one night. She said that they can go 2 or 3 times. Jim said that they're going to Nobu tonight and they went to Rick's the other night. He's having the whole Howard Stern Experience while they're there. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that he was starting to use drugs back around the time that song came out and he wanted to be experienced like Jimi was. He said he was really turned off to drugs at the time but Jimi had gotten him into them.
Artie said that his uncle had an acid experience similar to what Howard had. He said that it really threw him off and screwed him up. Howard said that he thought he was going crazy and would end up in a mental institution after he took acid.
Robin said that she knew a guy who ripped his eyeballs out after he used some kind of hallucinogen. She said she wasn't suer what drug it was though.
Howard had Fred crank up the Hendrix song. Fred threw in some bong sound effects in there. Howard said that Jimi would have ended up on VH-1 in a reality show if he was still alive. He said he finds that these cooking reality shows are the strangest because he can't imagine anyone would want to follow anyone cooking. Howard said that he thinks that a lot of these chefs are nuts after seeing some of these shows.
Howard said that there are a lot of dating reality shows too. He talked about some of those and some of the home make over shows. He said that they have this one called ''Date My House'' and they have people live in a house to see if they want to buy it.
Gary told Howard that Shuli told him that the reason he hasn't tried acid is because of the stories he's heard Howard tell.
Howard ended up doing his impression of the dean from ''Animal House' and that got Artie doing the impression as well. Steve got back to his Howard 100 News preview and mentioned some of the stuff that they'll have about Artie's return.
Steve said they'll have a story about Robin's charity event on today's news. That led to Howard talking to Robin about how much she was in the press during the vacation. Robin said that was not her doing, she doesn't usually do that stuff and she was only doing it for the charity.
Steve said that they have a story about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and his trouble with the law and his illness. He apparently has Cystic Fibrosis.
Steve said there's a special Superfan Roundtable on tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Greg Fitzsimmons will be on tonight at midnight.
Howard said that they got their first tape and resume after Artie left the show, within a couple of hours of his leaving. Gary came in and said that the person sent stuff in the next day, it wasn't 2 hours later. Artie asked if it was someone he knows. Gary hesitated for a second but said it was someone he knows. Artie said that he wouldn't be that mad at the person if he found out who it was.
Gary said that they have heard from this person before and he's tried to get on the show before and Artie has been very supportive of that. Howard said that was enough of that and had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview.
Jon ran down his list of stuff that they'd be trying to cover today on the Wrap Up Show. Jon mentioned the Artie stuff and that will probably take up most of their time. He said they'll also talk about Neil Patrick Harris and everything else that happened on the show today.
Robin got into her news and talked about some of the stuff that went on at the charity dinner that she held last week. She said that they had a woman talking about having her clitoris cut off over in Eritrea. That led to Howard asking if she can get wet and stuff like that as they were going over that. Howard said that would be a great girl for him to date because he'd have an excuse for not getting her off. Artie said that would be a lot of pressure off of you if you were dating someone like that. Robin thanked everyone who showed up to the event.
Howard said that Fred was off in Utah skiing or something. He said he had to hear everything when he made the mistake of calling him about something during the vacation. He said he was just kidding about that.
Robin got into her news and talked about the Pope being in town. They played some audio clips and talked about his strange German accent.
Ralph called in once again and said that this Africa place seems like the worst place on earth. He said that the blacks are very angry about slavery but they're lucky they got to come to this country. Artie said they probably would have appreciated better treatment here. Robin said that she said that she told someone she was glad her ancestors were slow runners.
Howard got back to doing his Pope impression and playing tape of the Pope making a speech. He and Artie goofed on him a little bit doing the accent. Howard was talking about the Pope's assistant and making jokes about Artie and Teddy as if the Pope and his assistant had the same type of conversations about ''Bloomies'' and stuff like that.
Robin read some stories about the Pope and then one about Roger Ebert who has had more health problems. He fell and broke his hip. Howard said that he hears from his wife now and then and he's thinking of Roger. He said he's a great guy. That led to Fred playing one of Artie's huge snores from the day he fell asleep and fell off his bed in the studio.
Robin read a story about some kids who put a bag of feces in a microwave oven in a convenience store. Howard mentioned that Bubba the Love Sponge and Ralph both celebrated their birthday's yesterday. Robin said that it was also Pot Day yesterday.
Robin read another story about a kid who was swept into a lake by a gust of wind. She had one about a guy who died after trying to chase his son after he went over a waterfall. She read through the details of those stories. She had another one about a kid who was found to be creating a bomb to blow up his school. The kid was calling his plan ''Columbine 3.''
Ralph was on the phone again. Howard asked him how old he is today. Ralph said he's 43 and said he found it hard to believe that Jason is only 29. He said he though that he was 40. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories. She had one about a guy who kept his wife locked in a cage for the first few days of their marriage. She talked about this Polygamy cult that's been in the news lately. Howard said he thought some of the chicks were kind of hot but Robin didn't see any that looked good to her.
The guys took a look at Robin's dress that she wore on The View last week. Howard said that it looked very strange and he can't imagine it's safe to wear. He said that it holds your arms down and it could keep you from doing something to save yourself during a fire or something.
Howard said that Elisabeth Hasselback is looking good. He said he got to meet her recently but he didn't want to say how they met. He said he changed his whole opinion of her after meeting her. Robin said she seemed to be in love with him when she did The View.
Robin read through some more stories. She had one about John McCain and his comments about Barack Obama. Howard said that Ralph was on the phone again and he's called in 18 times so far. He's only picked up 9 times. Ralph got on once again and said that he wanted to talk about Robin on The View. Howard said that he seems to be on some kind of calling in frenzy. Ralph said that it was important to talk about the dress that Robin was wearing. He said it was bizarre and it was like her arms were connected to her legs. Howard asked her if she was on crystal meth or something.
Howard spent a minute talking about Robin's dress and how freaky it was. He said that the designer, Norma Kamali, is out of her mind. He said that she probably made it as a good and wanted to see who would buy it. Robin said that she probably can't even eat in that dress. She said that it was just to make those TV appearances.
Ralph said that Robin was workin' it and posing when she went out there. Howard said that it's like the 2008 version of the straight jacket. He asked her if she could wipe her ass in that dress. She said she didn't have to go to the bathroom while she was in it.
Robin went through some more stories and Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thought Howard was against pot. Howard said that he doesn't think that pot is the problem. He said that it is smoke and he sees what smoke does to one's lungs and he hates what that does to people. He said that he's told his kids not to inhale smoke whatever they do. He said that he thinks that life is pretty terrific straight and any drug that you use isn't really necessary. He said that it's all just there to keep people from being bored.
Howard tried rushing Robin through her stories so he could get out of there. It was after 11 at that point and he was asking her ''anything else?'' in the middle of the stories. Robin pushed on and went through a bunch of stories anyway. They ended the show around 11:10am.
Artie was in so Jon and Gary asked him about his fight with Teddy and his trip to Amsterdam. Artie said that he thought about it after the fight that day and said he really did want to go back.
Gary said that Artie told him that he wasn't sure if he was going to make it back and he was done with the show. He thought he was never going to see him again.
Artie said that he got home and called Howard that day and he wasn't sure what was going on that day. He figured that maybe they accepted the resignation and they really were going to let him go. He said that he just disconnected himself from everyone that day and over that weekend. He got home the Monday after that fight and checked his 39 voice mail messages. He said that some fans and friends called him and he said it was heartbreaking to hear them saying what they said. He said that Jimmy Kimmel was so nice to him and it was really touching when he heard what he was offering him. The same thing with David Spade. Artie said that Spade had that bad experience with his assistant so he could kind of relate to that.
Artie said that Norm MacDonald called him and left a weird message and talked about how strange things were but then changed subjects to the Yankees sucking so far.
Artie went on to talk about how crazy things got for him and how touching it was that so many people cared. He said that he's one of the only two guys who have gotten physical on the show. He said that's not that great to be known for something like that on the show.
Artie said that he called Howard 3 times before he went on his trip. Then he got a call from his lawyer and his manager and they were talking to him about the craziness of the whole thing. They figured he should take a break because he was under so much pressure. He said that maybe they'd let him take a sabbatical or something.
Artie said he got the call from Howard and they had a great conversation about the whole thing. He said that Howard was telling him that he was going to have to speak to some other people there before they could have him back. He said that it was really surreal to be talking to Howard the way he was on the phone. He said that it was very special to him to be able to speak to a hero of his the way he was. He said that it turns out he's a great friend to him and he takes that all very seriously.
Artie said that Howard was telling him he hopes that all of this can blow over and that they can just move on. He said that he had to pinch himself thinking that they were a good comic team together after Howard told him that. He said that he kind of knew that already but it was nice to hear Howard say that to him. He said that blew him away.
Artie said that he had tunnel vision to get back on the show and back to the great life and job he has there. He said he would do whatever he had to do to get back on the show. He said that he had a meeting with Don Buchwald about the whole thing and he really put things in perspective for him in a way that no one else ever has.
Artie said that Don Buchwald and Howard have a great relationship and he really admires that. He said Don was going to talk to Mel about the whole thing and that's what he did and that helped things out. He said that he got the okay from Mel and the rest of the guys and that's how he got back on the show. He said that he knew that everything was cool and he never wanted a vacation to end so quickly. He said he just wanted to get back to work.
Artie said that he went out and did some gigs last week and got to feel really good about himself. He said that it felt really good to do that show because it was to help out the family of a fire fighter who passed away. He said that all of his old friends were there and he got to tell everyone he was going to be back.
Artie said he did another gig at Levy's Comedy Club on Friday night and the crowd cheered him so long that he almost broke down and cried right on stage. Then they did another one on Saturday night and he got another ovation. He said that they had to do this show for Beetlejuice because he's having some troubles.
Artie said that Bob Levy is a great guy and he'll do these shows for free to help people out. He said that they do that once in a while and Bob is always willing to do these free benefit shows.
Jon asked Artie what he expected this morning when he came in. Artie said that he's used to coming on the air after doing embarrassing stuff. He said that he did the Vegas thing when he got really drunk and blacked out on the air. He also did the Queer Eye thing and felt embarrassed by that whole thing. He said that it was extra embarrassing that time because the guys were so disgusted by him after what he had done to them during their video shoot.
Artie said that he was cool with Howard this morning so they were laughing when he came in. He said that he didn't know what to expect about what they were going to do on the show though. He wasn't sure if Howard was going to play those voice mails or not.
Artie said that some of the guys left him messages and no one acted negatively toward him. He said that he was worried that Teddy hated him. He said that he really was worried about that and he didn't want him to hate him for what he did.
Artie said that Teddy has been a fan of his for a long time and he really didn't want him to dislike him after working for him. He said that he didn't want him to think he was a dick just because he had worked for him after being a huge fan of his. He said that they had become really close working on the road and he hoped that he hadn't screwed that up.
Artie said that Teddy looked mad at him at the airport but he didn't get to talk to him at the time. Teddy said he wasn't mad, he was in fear. He said that the look at the airport was more of him soiling himself than being angry.
Jim McClure was saying that he and Teddy were in the bar in the airport and he was afraid that Artie was going to see him ride by on a cart or something. He'd hide every time he would hear a cart driving by. They have a guy there at the airport who can give them the information. Artie said that the guy at the airport is a really nice guy and he's helped him out a lot.
Gary said that he's seen the video of Artie freaking out and he has to give Ronnie a shout out to Ronnie for jumping on Teddy and dragging him out of the studio to save him. He said that was smarter than trying to stop Artie. He said that Teddy was in his office that day and they were hiding him in there so Artie wouldn't see him.
Jon said that he threw Teddy in there because he knew that Artie was looking for him and figured that was the last place he'd look. They had to go to break a short time later.
Ralph said that they should have given more information like where Jimmy Kimmel's house was and maybe talk more about David Spade's assistant. He said those were just things he had in his notes.
Ralph said that he's also wondering when they're going to be done with the Artie show with him sleeping and fighting and all of this. Jon and Gary said that they think that Ralph is drunk this morning and that's what's going on with these calls. Ralph said he was fine but he did drink last night.
Jason asked Ralph when he stoped drinking. Ralph said he didn't know and he had lost his jacket and some other stuff.
Jon let Ralph go and took some more phone calls. One guy said that he was glad that Artie was back and the show would suck without him. He said that he can't imagine hearing Eric the Midget or Blue Iris on without Artie making fun of them. He said he was depressed by the whole thing and so glad he's back.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he was praying to Jesus that Teddy would be struck dead for getting Artie kicked off the show. He said that Teddy is lucky that he didn't get booted. Teddy said that he was getting threats that he might get death threats if Artie didn't return.
The caller asked Gary if there was any real notion that he might be suspended or fired. Gary said that there were discussions about what they could and couldn't do legally. He said that Artie had called him and told him that he couldn't do it anymore so they were just going to move on. He said that Artie changed his mind after that and that all changed.
Benjy asked if that was regular anger or if Artie was flipping out or if there was something else going on. Gary said he thinks that it was stress from getting up early and working late at night and things like that. It all came crashing down on him and it was like a snow ball effect according to Jon.
Gary asked if Artie was going to do anything about his health problems. Jon said he did talk about taking a sabbatical but he's not sure if he's actually going to do anything about it. Gary said he'd like to know if he's going to do anything.
Jason said that the answer is no. He said that he hasn't changed his breakfast order or anything like that. He said that his doctor told him he's on the edge of death but Artie never said he was going to take any steps to fix that.
Jon said that Jason took some crap about his weight today too. Jason said he knows he's put on a lot of weight and it is embarrassing. He said that he has no defense there though. Gary said that the office was really piling on Jason today when he was on the air.
Jason said that Howard gets a look of disgust on his face when he sees something he doesn't like and he saw that look today. Jason said that he's going to start a diet today and Amsterdam was a wake up call for him. He could barely fit in the bathrooms over there. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking to JD about a Baba Booey mention on David Letterman's show. Howard said that he had been doing the show for a half hour off the air already. He played the clip from Letterman where they were doing the Top 10 list. There was a Baba Booey mention in that and Dave even threw in a plug for Howard's show and SIRIUS radio. Howard said that was a nice plug and he should ask Dave if he wants to do a little show on one of his channels.
Howard said he's pretty sure that Dave wouldn't do anything like that but he would like to ask. Artie said that Dave is very witty and he might be good doing something like that. Artie said he knows that the writers over there are big fans of the show too.
Howard said that Ralph called the Wrap Up Show yesterday and he told the guys that he'd had enough of Artie already. Then it came out on the air that maybe Ralph has been drinking. He said that wasn't what he was pissed about though. He said he's changed the schedule for the guys there and they've moved their meeting to Tuesdays.
He didn't finish that thought before he played a clip of Ralph's call to the Wrap Up Show. Ralph said that he wanted to know what happened with Artie but no one would tell him the details. The guys figured he was drunk and Ralph admitted that he had been out drinking last night. The guys were asking about the drinking in that clip.
After playing the clip Howard said that he can only stomach about 45 minutes with Ralph when he comes over with clothes for him to try on. He said that once he tries the clothes on Ralph leaves. He said he pays Ralph enough to live on to do that for him. He said he's been changing his schedule around and he was supposed to meet with Ralph yesterday at 3:15. He said he should have been done with him by 4pm.
Howard said he was running around doing all kinds of stuff and he got home in time for Ralph. He said he was there by 3 o'clock. Ralph failed to show up at 3:15 so he figured he'd made a mistake and maybe he told him 3:30. Then it was 3:43 and he realized he was late for the one appointment that he had with him that week.
Howard said that he had to make a lot of phone calls and he was waiting for Ralph to show up. He could show up at any moment but he had to make this phone call. He said that Beth wasn't around so he had to make this call. Howard called Ralph first to find out where he was. He didn't answer.
Howard said he made his phone call but then he heard his door man calling for him. It was 3:50. He said that he was on a conference call and he wasn't able to pick up the door man and he knew that it was Ralph. He said that he knows that Ralph knows to get a key and to let himself in but he wasn't doing that.
Howard said that he put everyone on hold and went to pick up the door man's call. He went to pick up and it stopped ringing. Then he went back to his call and he hears his door bell ringing. He ended up yelling at the door and telling Ralph to go home because he can't follow directions.
Howard said that he had to put his call on hold again and went to get the door. He said he told Ralph that he was late and useless. He said that he was supposed to have a key. Ralph apologized and went into his closet to do his thing. Howard said that shithead was flitting around his apartment and he was totally aggravated with him.
Howard said that he's having a new wall built in his apartment so Ralph can't hear him on these calls he makes. He said he was really aggravated with Ralph so he went back to see him and asked him what his problem was. Ralph said he called 3 times to tell him that he was going to be late. Then Ralph said that he couldn't get through but there is never a busy signal on his phone so he didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard said he was supposed to go out to dinner with his cousin Richie last night. He was trying to rush through the Ralph thing but Ralph was making some kind of sound like he was in pain. It turns out Ralph ended up getting diarrhea from some anti-biotic's that he was on.
Howard said that he told Ralph he heard about the Wrap Up show and that he had been drinking all night. He said that might have something to do with his diarrhea. Ralph didn't think that was it at all. Howard said he and Ralph eventually got to work on the clothing thing but Ralph kept saying ''Ohhhh my stomach!'' through the whole thing. He said that he knew that he had been drinking and taking the anti-biotic's and he figured that's what was giving him the problem.
Artie said that Ralph couldn't function in a regular job with the way he does stuff. Howard said that Ralph is talented but he's scatterbrained and he can't do things on time. He said that he needs him one day a week and he can't even get there on time for that one day. The guys talked about how easy Ralph has it and how he seems to be able to tell other people how to do their jobs but he can't do his own.
Howard said that you can see how severe the situation was when you watch that show. He said that this was no laughing matter and it was no con-job like some people think it was.
Artie said that he loves George Takei and his boyfriend Brad and he would do anything for them. He said that when he calls someone a fag he's not doing that because he's anti-gay or anything. It's just his way of going after someone. He said that everyone there uses that word there and he could pull tape of it if they wanted him to.
Howard said that he doesn't use that word anymore but maybe he did in the past. Artie said that he had Jason pull tape of Howard using it though.
Howard said that he'd had enough of that and he was done with the conversation. He told Artie to do whatever it was he anted to do. Artie said ''Artie's gonna do what Artie's gonna do.''
Howard said that he can't believe how he looks when he stands there in the studio. He said he looks like Olive Oyl with a 5 o'clock shadow. He said that's the actual reason he held back the Artie replay, he didn't want people seeing him standing up in the studio. He said he just looks awkward in there.
Howard told Artie that he's a good looking guy but Artie doesn't believe that. Howard said that Beth tells him every time she sees him on TV that he's a good looking guy. Howard said that he's seen pictures of Artie when he was thin and he really was a good looking dude.
Artie said that he's lucky that he has the amount of hair he has. That led to Howard talking to him about how lucky he is to have hair at the age of 40. He said that he should lose some weight and find a chick while he still has hair.
Howard said he was watching The Bachelor and saw this one chick skiing with the guy on the show and talking about how patient he was with them while he was teaching her how to ski. She said that he would make a great father because of that patience. Howard said that his patience has to do with his desire for pussy. That doesn't mean he's going to make a great father.
Artie told a story about a chick who he was out with who wrote a spec script for ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' and wanted him to pass it along. He said that's what L.A. is like. Howard said that most of the scripts are probably horrible.
Robin reminded everyone that Steve Grillo wrote a script for The Simpsons. They discussed that for a short time and goofed on Steve Grillo for a couple of minutes. Howard was doing his impression of Steve reading that script on the air. Artie said that he loved the Grillo goofing back when he was on the show.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he'd like to have Ralph's job. He didn't sound like he had any experience but the guy said that he could learn. That led to the guys talking about Ralph again. Howard said that he thinks that Ralph knows his style and what he likes to wear so that's why he keeps him around. He's had people tell him that he could dress better but he likes what Ralph gets for him.
Bobo asked Artie if he would ever get a ''system'' on his head like he has if he ever lost his hair. Artie said he probably wouldn't. Howard said he liked the way he called it a ''system'' and goofed on him about that. Bobo said that he's got a look now and even has a pony tail in the back. Howard said that the system is just another word for bad hair. He said that everyone knows when you have a hair piece like that.
Artie said that it screams ''loser'' to him. Howard said that some people are able to get a great system and it kind of works for certain people. Robin said that Burt Reynolds is one of those people. He used to have a great piece. Robin said that Sean Connery had a good system too.
Howard said that Bobo must look really odd with the pony tail. He said he must look like Daniel Boone. He asked Bobo how old he is. Bobo said that he's 55. Howard told him that he can't look good with a pony tail at 55. He said it screams mid-life crisis.
Howard said that he can't imagine that the pony tail is a good look for him. Bobo said that if they had him up to the studio, no one could guess his age. The guys were talking about Bobo's job as a driving instructor. He's been doing that for a long time now. He said he does mostly classroom instruction.
Howard said that it must be a tough dealing with people who can't drive. Bobo said he made the news a few years ago when one of his students drove through a rail road crossing when a train was coming. He let Bobo go but asked Jason if he had the picture of him with his pony tail. He was looking for one but he didn't remember taking the one that Bobo was talking about.
Howard and Artie ended up talking about Jason's weight. Artie said that they're really all a mess there and it's not just Jason who is out of control. Howard told Artie that he really has to get into something to take his mind off of eating. He said he wants to get him into chess. Artie said that he heard that Jason got a hold of his mug shot so they should be seeing that soon.
Howard played a new song parody about Ralph called ''Ralph's a Fag'' to the tune of the Scorpions ''Rock You Like a Hurricane.''
Howard said that he should have kept Bobo on the phone because he has a voice mail from him asking to be on the show. He said that he'd be willing to eat chocolate out of Sal's pouch to get on ''Deal or No Deal.'' He's willing to do anything to get on that show. Howard said that it sounds like Bobo would be willing to put his mouth on Sal's penis.
Bobo was back on the line so Howard asked him about the penis thing. Bobo said that he just wanted to eat the chocolate. Howard said he said that he'd be willing to do anything and now he's backing out of it. Bobo said that he could put chocolate into his pouch and then he'd eat it.
Artie asked Bobo what the fuck he's up to. He didn't get why he'd be willing to do gay stuff like that just to get on ''Deal or No Deal.'' Bobo said that he's willing to do anything to get on that show and he wants to bring back the Superfan Challenge on the show. Howard told Bobo ''No deal'' and hung up on him.
Robin asked if Eric was growing a moustache or not. It looked like dirt on his face according to Robin, who was watching him on JFSC.tv. Howard told him that he should just give up on the moustache thing. He said that he's got major holes in his moustache and he has to give it up. Artie said that he looks like an enormous asshole. Howard told Eric that if he had a good moustache he'd be the first one to tell him.
Eric said that he thinks that the fight that Artie had was more fake than anything that the WWE has ever done. He said that if the fight was real then Artie would have been out of there already. Howard said that the fight wasn't fake.
Howard asked Eric if he thinks that his moustache is good looking. Eric said that it could be better. Howard asked him what he thinks he's accomplishing with that. Artie said he looks like the leader of a midget Mexican gang or something.
Eric said that the people in his room told him to try it. Howard and Artie said that the people are just goofing on him by telling him to do that. Howard said that Eric's moustache looks like a 13 year old's first one or a 60 year old woman's. That led to Artie talking about a nun he knew who had a moustache like that. They spent a minute talking about nuns and priests and how much trouble the Catholic church is having getting priests these days.
Howard asked Eric what else he had for them. Eric said that he's keeping his moustache and he's going to try and grow a goatee too. Howard said that he wanted to see his chin. He check that out and told him to just keep the beard and get rid of the moustache. Artie said that he'd wear a ski mask if he were Eric.
Howard asked Eric if he has chest hair. He said he doesn't picture him as a hairy guy. He said that if he can't do it then he shouldn't try. Artie told Eric that his face looks like a pussy with teeth. Eric told him to shut the fuck up.
Howard asked Eric how long he hasn't shaved for. Eric said it was about a week or more. Robin asked if he's going to grow a soul patch too. Eric said he's not going to do that.
Howard said he's not into moustaches or facial hair. He said he did have one for a while but he thinks that it's just stupid to have hair in the middle of your face. Artie said that he had a moustache for a while and he kind of related to Howard when he had his.
Howard talked about how fat he was when he had his moustache. That led to Howard talking about the kind of food he and Robin were eating back then. They used to go to Roy Rogers and used to have cheesecake and stuff like that all the time.
Howard said he had to take a break but Eric said that he wanted to say some more stuff. Artie kept talking over him and Fred kept playing the ''Mars Attacks'' ''Ack, ack'' sounds. Eric said that his tour is going to be starting on the 17th of June in Phoenix. He's going to be out on tour looking for the hottest stripper.
Howard said that he wants to know what the modeling agency is going to be called. He played a clip of one they made up where they have Eric saying ''Eric the Midgets's completely worthless modeling and talent agency.'' Eric said that they don't even have a club set up for Phoenix yet. He said that they're going to find one by the time the tour starts. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go a short time later. Artie told Eric to go fuck himself as Howard was letting him go.
Howard was going to go to break but he said that he really wants to see Eric succeed at something and he knows that this moustache isn't going to work. A caller told Howard that Eric should try some Rogaine on that upper lip of his.
Howard talked about his long hair and how he grew that back when he was in 10th grade. He said that he figured that the chicks would think that he had drugs and stuff if he had the long hair. He talked about some of the girls he was dating and how he made one cry after she banged him. He had banged her and she ended up crying thinking about her boyfriend.
Howard told the story about bringing this girl home to bang her. He said he smoked some pot with her and then made some Apricot Sours for them to drink. He said that he was busy cleaning out the stuff that he had to use to make the drinks so his parents wouldn't know. He said they drank up and put on some Neil Young music that was really depressing. He said he came in a second but she was really hot and a natural blonde. He said that he didn't even know what he was doing. Then he finished and she started sobbing and saying that she wanted to call her boyfriend right then. Howard said that he didn't want her to call because he didn't want his father seeing the call on the phone bill.
Howard talked about this guy he used to get his weed from and how the guy thought he was a drug dealer. He said the guy was fat and he'd be laying on his bed with a sombrero on and laying there naked. Howard said the guy was really Jewish too and it was a really strange scene. Howard said that the kid was so Jewish that he couldn't sell pot on the Sabbath so they had to get that done before then. He said he had to go to break after telling that story.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that she was stalking Robin at every media appearance she made. She talked about one of the interviews she did where Robin said that the Robin on the air is a character that she created. That led to the guys talking to Robin about that and she gave an explanation that didn't make much sense to the guys. Howard asked ''what the fuck is she talking about?''
Howard said that he had some audio clips of Robin's interviews on various shows. He played the clip of Robin talking about her created character and how she's not really all knowing and snooty like the character on the air. Howard said that Robin really is just a delicate flower off the air but he sounded a little sarcastic as he was saying it. Fred didn't get it and didn't know what she was going for there. He said that maybe that was a character on that interview show she was on.
Lisa said that she has a story about Richard going to the premiere of the new ''Harold and Kumar'' movie but not being allowed to walk the red carpet. Howard said he heard the story about Richard flying himself out there and how he was going to try and walk the red carpet. He said that he heard that Richard asked Gary what to wear on the red carpet and they turned him down. They had a security guard turn him away.
Howard said that Richard could have gotten on if he had spoken to the publicist for the movie. Richard paid for his own flight and bought new clothes and everything and he didn't even get to walk the carpet. He said that Richard is a real weirdo.
Richard said that he did get in to see the movie but it was embarrassing that he didn't get on the red carpet. Richard said that he thought he needed to have a personal publicist or something to get on the carpet. Howard told him he doesn't need that, he could have walked it if he had just asked the movie publicist.
Howard said that he Sal told Gary that he couldn't go to a Seder because it contradicts his religion. Sal came in and explained that story and how he didn't think he could go because the Jews had killed Jesus, ''supposedly, allegedly...'' Sal went on to say that he has a new appreciation for the Jews after that.
Sal and Gary told this story about going to that Seder and how Sal got into some trouble with the people there when he said something stupid about being a Jew for Jesus or something like that. Sal said that he learned that the Jews really got a bad rap in life. Howard stopped him and told him that this was very annoying. He said that he can't believe what he's hearing.
Lisa said that they have a big announcement in Page 69. They talk about how there's a staff member who doesn't want pictures of them posted on the web site anymore. It turned out to be Robin. Robin said that she never said it was a ban, she just wants to be able to pick the pictures they put up there.
Jason came in and said that Robin did ask him not to put pictures of her up on the web site anymore. Robin said that she doesn't like unflattering pictures of her up on the web site just like Howard doesn't like them up there. Then she said that she doesn't like Jason's photography. Jason shot back with a half-hearted ''fuck you.'' Howard wrapped up and let them go after that.
Howard said that Michael has that same ability to bore everyone that Scott has. He said he's got that monotonous tone that Scott has. Fred threw in the Artie snoring sound clip while they were talking.
Michael asked that they make Scott a king for just one day. Howard said he'd think about that and tried to wrap up with him. Michael said that they should stop making fun of him and leave him alone.
Howard let Michael go and told Scott that he has the same personality. Scott said that he doesn't like that he calls the show so often. He said he's not even that close with the guy. He said he last saw him a couple of months ago but he wasn't able to remember where it was. Scott said that he was probably at a family gathering or something.
Howard talked to Scott about this Howard TV bowling special that he shot last week. Scott was sick all week so the only day he left the house was for that bowling special. Howard said he heard that Scott was trying to be funny at the show but he heard that it was funny how bad he was.
Colin came in a short time later so Howard asked him about this Iraq thing. He's been over there before himself. Colin said that its' really hot over there and he thinks that Artie should get into shape before he goes. He wanted to go with Artie over there. He said that he was banned from a war zone so that's kind of an odd thing.
Colin said that Will was badgering him about the whole thing when he did his pre-interview with him yesterday. Howard said that's odd because he doesn't have any notes about him from that pre-interview. Howard wondered why the notes weren't there yet. Gary said they were on their way in. He came in a short time later and said that they were thinking that he was going to go to break first. Will said that the notes were there now but Gary didn't want to go over them earlier.
Howard said that they could have given him the notes even though they didn't do what they thought they were going to do. Will said he didn't think Howard could read at the same time that he was talking to Colin.
Colin got back to his story about going over to Iraq. He said that he went over 3 times to do shows and he may have used some jokes that were offensive to some. He said he got a call a couple of years ago saying that he couldn't go back. Then he found out that he's been banned from doing shows over there.
Howard tried to understand the story and found out that Colin may have offended the Muslim culture with his jokes. Colin said that he thinks that he's being singled out because everyone is a little edgy over there. Colin said that he was in Afghanistan at the time and he made some comment about the well known fact that they do boy hunting on Monday nights. He said that they go out and sodomize young boys on a Monday night. He said they call it Boy's Night Out.
Gary said that he heard that the show he was doing was for the top people in the military so that's why he got into so much trouble. They took offense to what he was doing in his act and that's why he's been banned. Colin said that if he ever goes over there again, he's going to entertain Al Queda instead.
Howard asked Colin if this is really aggravating to him. Colin said that of course it is and it's like a slap in the face. Howard said he doesn't know of anyone who has been banned from a USO tour.
Gary said that he was told that you can't insult the religion, country or the people. He said they can't even use the F-bomb and they have to perform like they're doing a Comedy Central special. Colin said that's fine but everyone over there doesn't stick with the parameters. He said that they've all said worse than he has.
Artie said that he asked for Colin to go with him first thing and he got that agent pause that he got from him. At one point Colin had joked that he was being represented by Eric the Midget's talent agency.
Howard asked Colin if he knows Jim Florentine and if he's worked with him. Colin said that he likes the guy whenever he sees him but he's not that close with him. He said that he has seen his balls though. He said that they're legendary. He said he didn't see his penis, just his balls, and they were the size of Sunkist oranges.
Robin said that she doesn't know what they're talking about and Jim doesn't have big balls. Fred, as Jim, said that Robin is just doing a character now.
Colin said that Jim went to the bathroom and just whipped his balls out and showed everyone with the door of the bathroom open. He said that there were people between them and he still showed them. Colin said that he used to take his penis out and put it next to Kari Wuhrer when they were doing that ''Remote Control'' show at MTV. He said that Kari would start laughing when she'd see it. The guys talked about how hot she was. Colin said that he never did get to bang her. Howard asked what happened to Kari and what she's up to now. Colin didn't know.
Colin said that he almost got to fool around with Kari but it never did happen. That led to the guys talking about Adam Sandler and Artie said that he had heard that Sandler had banged a lot of chicks. He gave his list of people he heard about. They included Alicia Silverstone, Juliette Lewis and Angie Everhart. Howard said that must mean that he's better than Sandler in bed because he had her after Sandler and she says that he's the best she ever had.
Howard said that he just found out that Kari was 41 years old. Colin said that he last saw her about 6 or 7 years ago. He said that she was in some good movies like ''Anaconda.'' Howard asked if that was a good movie. Colin said it was a guilty pleasure type of movie that he enjoyed.
Howard asked Colin about the USO trip and Colin talked about how he was talking to Steve Langford about that last week.
Howard asked Colin about the Artie meltdown a couple of weeks back and if he was worried about him. Colin said that he wasn't that worried because he just threw a paper cup at the guy. He said that he wasn't out to get his job or anything. Artie said that he has an idea of who sent in their resume after he resigned. He said he's narrowed it down to a couple of guys.
Howard asked Colin if he's dying his hair or something. Colin said he's not. He said that he tried to go to that fat camp that he and Artie were going to. He went for a couple of days but things didn't really work out. He said it was the ''Prick-in'' diet so Howard goofed on him about that. He said that it's the Pritikin diet. Howard thought Colin was doing that on purpose to be funny but Colin said that he wasn't.
Howard asked Colin about the fat camp and why it failed. Colin said he didn't stay long enough. There were about 30-40 people there and he was probably the thinnest of the people there.
Howard asked Colin about his failed marriage and how he got caught cheating on his wife on an instant messenger chat. Colin said that his love life isn't all that great and he's kind of depressed. Howard and Robin asked him what it is he's depressed about. Colin said that his marriage was depressing and then he got banned from the USO tour that most people won't even go on. He said that kind of stuff is depressing to him.
Howard gave Colin some plugs and then mentioned that he saw some reviews of this new Stuttering John movie ''One, Two, Many.'' He said that he's never read anything like that and if he were John, he'd be hanging himself. He read through a review where the guy rips the movie apart. Howard read through most of the article and said that it was really cruel. Howard asked Robin if she had seen the movie. She hadn't seen it yet so she wasn't sure.
Howard said that he wants to have a premiere there in New York so they can all see it. Colin said that he'd like to have Eric the Midget do a remake of Taxi Driver. He said that he'd like to direct it. Howard said that he'd work on making that happen. Colin said that he'd make the movie like 15 minutes long if he remade it.
Howard played some audio clips of Eric to create the movie for Colin. Colin said that it would be great. He said that Eric is perfect for the role and he's better than De Niro. Howard told Colin to start writing the movie and he'd set up the shoot. Eric is on the West Coast though so Colin would have to go out there to shoot it. Colin was thinking about putting Diana Degarmo in the movie with Eric.
Howard said that he would trust Colin to do this movie even though he's never directed anything. He told him he was hired anyway. He said this movie could get him back into Iraq. Howard gave Colin some plugs for his Caroline's comedy club (Carolines.com) appearances this weekend and wrapped up with him. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Stuttering John had Jay Leno, Kevin Eubanks, Jackie Martling, Tanya Roberts, Lorenzo Lamas, Sandra Taylor and others there. Gary said that Tanya didn't even know who John was. Neither did Lorenzo.
Howard said that Jay has done some really bad movies himself. They talked about one called ''Collision Course'' and how bad that was.
Howard played the Lorenzo Lamas interview. Garver asked him a few questions about the movie and about what makes John such a special entertainer. Lorenzo didn't know much about him. He said that he was there for Sandra Taylor who was also in the movie. Lorenzo didn't even know that John made the movie. He said he only knew him from the Tonight Show. Garver asked Lorenzo which was a bigger disaster, the movie or 9/11. Lorenzo didn't answer that one.
Howard said that Jay Leno was there so Garver tried to interview him. Leno actually fought back finally after many years of not doing anything. Garver asked Jay why it was so important to hire John. Jay said that Howard was big back in the 90s and asked where he was now. John said he used to have him on back when he was popular. Then Jay started answering questions that Garver wasn't even asking and pretended not to hear what he was saying. Jay goofed on Garver about having to read the questions off the paper and walked away.
Howard said that Gary tried to get another one with Leno but Leno avoided him that time. Jay blew him off so Garver told him to fuck off. Howard said that Jay will probably hire Garver next.
Howard said that he had a 5 minute long interview with Stuttering John and Gary told him he might want to hold off on that because it's not all that interesting.
Howard played a clip of Garver talking to Ross the intern from the Tonight Show. The guy was answering the questions that Gary was asking and he had a bit of an effeminate voice. He said he's actually a fan of the show. Gary said that he sounded more like a chick than Tanya Roberts did. Howard said that he saw on the web that this guy is openly gay. He wasn't sure about that at first.
Howard played a little bit of Gary Garver interviewing Stuttering John. John sounded like he was in a good mooed and ready to answer the questions. Gary asked John what his greatest contribution to the Howard Stern Show was. John said it was his interviews. John was asked about why Fred dislikes him. John said he didn't know. Fred jumped in and said that this is like Robo-John and he knows why he doesn't like him. Fred said that he just doesn't like him. Howard wanted to know why but Fred said he's got his own reasons for disliking him.
Howard asked Fred if he ever liked John. Fred said that he did and it was years in that he started to dislike him. Fred said that it was a cumulative thing with John that made him dislike him so much. Fred said that it was mostly the on-air stuff that he did that really irked him.
Artie said that he was friends with John and he's not sure what Fred has a problem with but he knows that it's hard to befriend John. He said that he would mention personal stuff on the air and stuff like that so he knows that it could add up and get on someone's nerves.
Fred said he had some issues with John about stuff that he would complain about like the e-mail and how he thought he was filtering it. Fred and Gary also talked about John taking 3 weeks off to do ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'' and how he lied about that.
Garver asked John who he didn't like on the Stern Show. John didn't have an answer for that. He said that they were like a family and he didn't leave hating anyone. Garver asked John if he regrets saying what he did about Howard not paying him when he was on the Adam Carolla show. John said he didn't mean anything by it and he hopes to get together with Howard and have dinner or something.
The stutter wasn't there so Howard pointed that out. Gary said that it comes back at the end. Ralph called in and said that he wanted Artie to give his review of John's movie and tell everyone just how bad and unwatchable it was. Artie said that he told John that it was amazing he got a movie made because he knows how hard it is to get one made. He said that he pulled off something that he finds to be impr