|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show welcoming people back to a live show. He said he went on SternFanNetwork after his wedding and he will never go on again because it was so brutal. He said that he felt so guilty for not being on the air last week. He said that they were going off on him for not being there and not being funny for the past year. He said he gets depressed when he reads that stuff.
Howard said that one guy wrote ''Why are all of you haters on here?'' Howard said they're his fans and they hate him. He doesn't understand it. Howard said he's married now. Artie said that this is the first time he's worked with a married Howard Stern.
Howard said that he met A-Rod the other night and he had no clue it was him. He was out to dinner and someone marched him over to the table and introduced him. He said he introduced Beth as his wife for the first time and that was kind of strange for him. He had to think about it before he said who she was.
Howard said that the women were going nuts over A-Rod when they saw him there. Howard didn't recognize him and thought he was the bus boy or something. Robin said that her driver was even telling her how good looking the guy was when they were driving one time.
Howard said he was stressed about his wedding before hand. They didn't give out the location for the wedding before hand because they didn't want a lot of people just showing up. Howard said that Donald Trump gave out the location when he announced he was going to be there. Howard said that Trump thinks that they want that kind of coverage but they really don't need it.
Howard said that he doesn't know for sure that Trump let the information out but he assumed it was him because it was in Page Six. Howard said he didn't want people to worry about that kind of stuff at the wedding but the word got out.
Howard said he was kind of the calming source with Beth when they were talking about what was going on. He said that he figured they should just go with it and have fun. Howard said they had a lot of Paparazzi hanging outside of his apartment so they had Ralph run out pretending to be him. Then he and Beth ran out when they all followed Ralph.
Howard said that they didn't know what to do about the wedding and he tried to keep it somewhat private. He said it got out and didn't turn out that way but it all worked out anyway. Howard said he's not even sure why he tried.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric showed up and hung out outside of the place. Dominic Barbara was all over the news giving details of the wedding too.
Howard said that Beth had this wedding dress made and it was the hottest dress he had ever seen. He said that he knew about the dress and it was showing off the crack of her ass and stuff like that. He said that the designer was really cute. He said he's got a picture of her helping Beth get dressed so he wants to put that up on his web site.
Howard said that the people on SFN were bashing her saying that Beth looked like a whore in the dress. Howard said she was trying to look hot. Robin said that it wasn't tasteless or anything, it was actually amazing.
Howard said that there were some people who were feeling Beth up after the wedding. He said that he was already married and people were touching her and feeling her up. He said that she didn't even wear any panties and that was driving him nuts. Howard said it was pretty cool actually.
Howard said Beth got really drunk and he had to take her home around 1 in the morning. He said that she was really getting wasted. He said that he had some drinks himself but only about 2. He said that he wasn't drunk because he was stressed out worrying that people were having fun.
Howard said that Phoebe Snow and Billy Joel sang songs there at the wedding and he was thinking that people weren't hearing them. Robin said that she didn't hear Billy at first because she was in the back of the room. Howard said it was pretty special and cool that he sang at his wedding. Howard said that Phoebe is amazing too.
Howard said they had a back room and had Pat Monahan sing a song there too. Howard said that he thought that people were leaving and not seeing all of these people performing. Robin said there was a big crowd there and there were people singing there. She said she had more fun there than at any other wedding because it didn't even seem like a wedding.
Artie said that it was a very special night and very unique. Robin said that it stayed amazing the whole night and it was amazing.
Howard said he was very proud of Artie for staying sober at the wedding. He said that he stayed until midnight or so. Artie left and went to a poker game that night but it was with some AA guys. Artie said he had to replace drinking with gambling so it was kind of weird. He said that he actually won some money in a $2,500 buy in game.
Artie said that the game started about 10 and he went in at midnight or so. He said he was up $3,700 at the game. Artie said its' more about the game than about drinking so that's why it was okay for him.
Artie said he doesn't need to drink because he can go out and have fun. He said he was having a great time talking to all of the people at his table at the wedding. He said that John Stamos' date, Leah, was very pretty and very nice.
Howard said that they had Mark Consuelos perform the ceremony because the guy is such a nice guy and he was willing to do it. Howard said he was very good with the ceremony and they didn't drag it out too long. Robin said that it was great because they didn't drag it out like the minister at Bubba's wedding did.
Howard said that they wrote their vows at the last minute before the wedding. He said that the only thing he wrote before the wedding was to TiVo their favorite TV shows. He also had some lines about shaving his body hair and wanted to include one about Dutch ovens but he left that one out. He said he should have brought them in to read to everyone. He said that Beth started crying when he was reading them.
Howard said that Barbara Walters wanted him to e-mail his vows to her so she could read them on The View but he didn't want to do that. He said he's not sure he even wants to share them on this show.
Howard said that Natalie Maines sang ''When I See Beth Smiling'' at the wedding. He said that she was great and he doesn't think enough people heard her. Artie said that the guy sent that song in and he's dead now and he has no idea that they performed it at the wedding as they were walking down the aisle.
Howard said that the guy who wrote the song was Lonnie Heckman. He said that it was Jimmy Kimmel's idea to have Natalie sing the song at the wedding. Robin said it was a great start for the whole thing. Artie said it really was a great thing. He said that the guy must be really happy if he's looking down from heaven.
Howard said that he'd love to hear what she did but even he missed some of the song. He said that she told him that she added a line to the song. He said that they have a lot of pictures from the wedding but only released two of them to the press.
Robin said she saw some of the pictures that Kelly Ripa got from Beth. She said they really were amazing. Artie asked Howard if they sold pictures to the press. Howard said they didn't but they were offered a lot of money for that stuff.
Howard said that he and Beth agreed that they weren't going to sell the pictures to the press but they would release a couple. Some people told him to give the money right to a charity. He said that he doesn't believe in getting paid money and giving it right to charity. He said that he feels he should donate money that he has earned to charity.
Howard said that Beth sent her pictures over to Georgina, the dress designer, and she gave it to her press people. They gave the picture to Us magazine and they were asking if they were exclusive pictures or not. Beth said they weren't and they got all upset that they weren't. Howard said that he told Beth to cut off all discussions about it because he wasn't looking for any money.
Howard said that they walked into the wedding and went right up and got married instead of making people suffer through stuff. He said that Mark Consuelos did his thing and did so much research to figure out what to do. He said that Jimmy Kimmel even read a poem there for them. He said that he started off really serious and it wasn't funny at all. Then he broke into this funny stuff and it turned out to be great.
Howard read Jimmy's poem and the first couple of lines were very serious but then he goes into what love means and talks about all of the strange things that Howard does. He said he really thought that was great.
Robin asked what's going on with Jimmy and Sarah Silverman. Howard said he asked them about that and they wouldn't even tell him. Artie said he saw them kissing next to him. Howard said he thinks that they may be scared to say they're back together but he was very happy to see them together at the wedding.
Howard said it was very weird to see that Jimmy and Sarah were broken up. He said that they are a couple and there's no disguising it. He said that it would be like him and his wife getting back together and playing with each other's genitals. He said that Jimmy and Sarah are kind of like Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.
Howard said that the people on SFN were talking about how he was going to spend the whole show talking about the wedding so he's not going to do that. He's going to get it out of the way and that's it.
Howard said that he got to his serious stuff in his vows and Beth broke down and cried. He said that she doesn't cry a lot so it was very touching that she did during that. He said that she may have looked at him and just figured out what she was getting into.
Howard said that there was someone yelling at him to look at Beth during the ceremony because he was looking at Mark. Howard told everyone that he was sorry he was looking at Mark but Beth admitted that she was looking at him too. Howard said that Mark and Kelly Ripa seem to have a great relationship. He said that she's a hot piece of ass.
Howard said that he spent a good hour writing his vows and they worked on Beth. He said that he had to really think about what he wanted to say.
Robin said that Howard said something about Brian Phelan in his speech and poor Brian was sitting in the back of the room. Howard said that he was walking in the day before his wedding and Brian came up to him and said something to him. He said that he really likes Brian. Phelan came up to him and wished him luck at the wedding and then told him if he needs advice to just ask him. Howard said that he kept walking but then stopped and asked Brian what kind of advice he had for him.
Howard said that he stopped in his tracks and asked Brian what advice he had. Brian seemed shocked. He said that Brian said that he thinks that when he's up there getting married he should look at her smile and take that happiness and make it his own. Howard said that he realized that this fat drunken fuck really knows something. He said that he is so going to hold it inside of him because it makes so much sense to him. He said he's like an Irish Yoda or something.
Howard said that Brian wasn't the only one to give him advice. He said he had some other people giving him advice too. He said that he got some advice from his agent and from his driver as well. His agent told him that when you're single you're incomplete. When you're married, you're finished. Then his driver told him that he had enough fuel in the car to drive him down to Boca before the wedding so he could get out of it.
Howard said he was asking some other people for advice on the wedding and he threw some of the stuff into his speech. Then he said that both he and Beth included lines about having each other's backs in their vows and they didn't share them ahead of time. He thought that was kind of cool.
Howard said that he and Beth had gone to Le Cirque one night and that's the place they wanted to have their wedding party.
Howard said that Richard Christy wrote a note about watching Benjy eating his vegetarian meal and it was like watching a fat bunny rabbit. Artie said that there's never enough food. Howard told him that he should have loaded up on Bread.
Artie said that he saw Bubba there and he didn't seem like he was any smaller than him. Howard said that Artie hardly ate at the wedding because there wasn't much food. Artie said that his plates were all cleaned off.
Howard said that he hopes that people enjoyed the songs that Phoebe Snow performed. He said that she did two songs. He said they were ''Everything I Do, I Do It For You'' and ''Darling You Send Me.''
Howard said that after the meal the guys went back and did some more songs. John Stamos played drums with the house band and Phoebe and Pat Monahan were singing.
Howard said that at one point he was hoping that Natalie Maines would perform some more songs. She got up to do some more songs with the house band and he thought it was going to be really cool. He was hoping she'd do ''Landslide'' but didn't want to pressure her into it. Then Jillian Barberie got up to perform with her. Gary said he loves Jillian but she was the closets thing to having invited a wack packer to the wedding. Gary said that he heard her screaming when she met JD and people like that.
Howard said that Jillian and Natalie got up to sing the song. Artie said that he missed that performance. Howard said that Jillian was doing all of the singing and Natalie was hardly doing anything. Howard said that it was horrible. He said that Natalie probably sings it better than anyone in the world and then Jillian goes up and sings the song at the top of her drunken lungs.
Howard said he was in shock. He said that he was hoping that Jillian would stop singing and let Natalie take over. He said that all of a sudden the song is over and Jillian asked him if it was okay that she sang and if the song was ruined. Howard told her that the song was fine and it wasn't her fault the song was ruined. Then Sarah Silverman came up to him and asked him ''What the fuck was that!?'' He said that if Sarah had a gun she probably would have shot Jillian.
Howard said that Steve Shirippa said something to someone about the performance and left the wedding because he was so pissed. He said that he heard that Steve thought it was like Karaoke and he could sing even better than her.
Howard said that there were some other cool things going on there at the wedding. He said that Ralph made a speech that he worked on for 7 days. He ended up throwing that one out. Gary said that Ralph was going nuts trying to come up with the speech because he worked on it for so long.
Howard thanked Artie for reading his book dedication at the wedding. It was dedicated to Howard. Howard said that Artie was jotting down notes during the wedding so he could make his speech and roast people. Howard said that there were some nice speeches from his friends and then Chevy Chase got up and made one. He said that was spontaneous. Chevy was talking about how Howard gave him anal warts many years ago and he thought it was funny. There were some people who were offended by the speech. Artie said that he laughs at Chevy because he makes faces and stuff. He said that he was even throwing shit at him at the table.
Howard said that Ronnie was there at the wedding and he wasn't drinking. He said he had a clip of Bubba talking about Chevy being a dick. Howard said that Bubba was there and so was Brent Hatley. He said that Scott Ferrall was there and he was doing some kind of Vogue-like dance there.
Howard played the audio of Bubba and his guys talking about the wedding. Bubba talked about some of the cool stuff that went down and then he went off on Chevy Chase for being a dick. He said that Chevy was trying to be shocking and the rest of the people, like Artie, were just being funny.
Howard said he wanted to spend more time on this but Christian Slater was there and he had to get to him. He said he had to go to break before having him in. Robin asked if he's A-list because according to the paper, they don't get A-list celebrities. Howard said that Christian is getting great reviews of his new TV show. Howard said that he also has his parents, Ralph and Beth coming in to figure out who knows him the best. He went to break a short time later.
Christian was chewing Nicorette gum so Howard asked him to spit that out. Christian said that he had been chewing that for like 3 years now.
Howard said that Christian and Doug Goodstein were in the hall hugging so he asked him what that was about. Christian said he met Doug out in Vegas a few years ago and they hung out there. He said that they met through Rob Jacobson. Howard said he knows what he's talking about then.
Howard asked Christian if he's bummed out that he has to do TV now. Christian said that he's having a great time with it. He said that he had to talk about being in the studio this morning though. He said that he's a huge fan of the show and he listens every day and has the whole set up going. He said it's very surreal for him to be there this morning.
Howard said he heard that Christian went to Scores one time and asked Lonnie to sit him in the same place that Howard goes to. Christian confirmed that. Howard said that he sees Christian out once in a while. Robin said that she's gone to see him in some plays and stuff too.
Howard asked Christian about how he memorizes lines and stuff. Christian said he'll download his lines to his iPod and listen to them on that.
Howard asked Christian about the chicks he's dating (Tamara Mellon). Christian interrupted him on that and congratulated him on his marriage. Howard said that Christian is dating this hot and successful chick. Christian said that she's a shoe maker. Robin asked if he's dating a cobbler. Christian laughed and said that she sits there with her hammer banging out the shoes. Howard said that she's actually the woman who created Jimmy Chu shoes.
Christian said that he met this woman on a blind date. He said that she could quite easily be worth much more than him. Christian said that he hasn't held on to his money, not one cent. Howard asked him if he signed a pre-nup in his marriage. Christian said of course he didn't. He said that he didn't think anything through.
Howard said that Christian has done some really crazy stuff in his life. He said that his ex-wife was the hottest girl he's ever seen. He said that he's seen her in leotards and stuff at the gym. Christian said that she was stunning. He said that the mother-in-law used to be a supermodel. Christian said that his ex is still incredibly hot as far as he knows. Howard wanted to know what went wrong there.
Christian said that his ex is a great woman and they made two great children. He said that marriage is tricky. He said that she was a phenomenal pain in the ass.
Howard said he read in the paper that Christian had a wild sex party at his house a while back. That's when he knew that he was having problems in his marriage. Howard said they had a stripper call into the show and tell them this story about Christian and his wife having the party. Howard said she said that he asked her to shave his back because he didn't want to ask his wife to do it.
Howard said that you want women to do weird stuff to you without having sex with them when you're having problems in your marriage. Christian said that he's had some strange things going on with his body hair and he even found one in his ear recently.
Howard asked Christian if he was finding monogamy tedious. Christian said that it's really not and he kind of likes being monogamous. Christian said that he thinks the issue was the foundation of the relationship. He said that he met her in rehab.
Howard asked if it was his first marriage and his last. Christian said that it was his first but he's not opposed to doing it again. He said he was sober when he got married so it wasn't about being wasted.
Howard asked Christian about how he met his wife. Christian said that he thought she was some kind of plant because she was so hot. He said that they were both in this rehab center and he was about 9 months in and she was a few weeks in. He figured he was ready to he wanted to see what could happen. They both had to go through the rehab stuff and there was no way he was going to wait until they were in rehab for a year before going for it. He said he had an instant connection with her.
Howard said that most of his audience is probably in rehab so they can relate to this stuff. Christian said that there were a lot of guys there at rehab who were into this chick so it was very competitive.
Howard said that Christian must have woken up and realized that they based their marriage on this attraction they had and it wasn't the love that they thought it was. Howard asked Christian if he can get laid in rehab. Christian said that you can't and he waited until after. Christian said that he thinks he got to second base with her and felt up her boobies there in rehab.
Howard said that Christian fell off the wagon pretty hard during the marriage because he realized he didn't want to be in it. Howard asked him if he hears Artie's stories and relates to them. Christian has done some really wild stuff while he's been wasted just like Artie has.
Christian said that he thinks he was in the midst of going through the divorce procedures when he was falling off the wagon and ended up getting tazered. Christian said he doesn't remember what that was like because he was so wasted at the time. Christian said that he took a leap from one roof to another roof when he was wasted and he's not even sure what he was doing at the time.
Christian said that he figured he could just give it a try and try to fly like Superman or something while he was high. Robin said that she's never been that high.
Artie said that he ran through a bunch of yards pool hopping one morning out in L.A. Christian said that's what he was doing too. Artie said that he was trying to get away from the cops though. Christian said that in the moment you think that it's fantastic while you're doing all of that stuff.
Artie said that heroin would be great if you stayed high the whole time. It's when you come down that it sucks. Howard asked the guys what the best drug to do is. Artie said that heroin is better. Christian didn't say which drug he thought was the best.
Christian said that the cops actually let him go after the tazering thing. Howard said that he doesn't have any good stories like that. He never did crazy stuff like that.
Howard said he thinks that Christian has these problems because of his relationship with his father. Howard asked him if he has been in contact with his father at all. Christian said that he hasn't spoken to his father in years. He said that he loves the guy but he's changed his name 8 or 9 times. He said that he liked some of the names like Byron Glendow and things like that. He said that his dad settled on Michael Degainsboro.
Howard asked Christian how he knows his father changed his name. He said that he's seen his name changes in his IMDB.com profile.
Howard asked Christian about being in jail and what that was like. He said it wasn't all that bad because he was pretty much all by himself. He said that it was almost like a release to be in jail. He said that he could write and read and have some time for himself. Christian said that he was in prison for one of those crazy nights he had. Christian said that it was just bad. He said that was the time they claimed he tried to grab the cop's gun out of his holster. Howard and Artie got a few laughs out of that. Artie told him that's a crazy thing to do. Howard told Christian that he should write a book about all of that stuff.
Christian said that he has maintained his name, unlike his father, and he needs to continue to work on that stability. Howard said that he likes that Christian is playing a guy in his new TV show that has two personalities. Howard said he's going to watch the show and he's hoping it's just half as crazy as his real life.
Howard said that Christian is kind of playing his own life because he almost is like this character. Howard asked Christian about the 52 year old woman who claims that he grabbed her ass. Christian said he doesn't remember that one either. He said that alcohol is just a bad thing. He said he's been sober 3 years as of October 29th. Christian said he doesn't miss it either.
Howard gave Christian some plugs for his new TV show ''My Own Worst Enemy'' that's starting tonight on NBC at 10. Howard asked him about the show and what it's all about. Christian said that he plays 2 people in a Jekyl and Hyde type of way. He said that the two personalities start to merge and learn about each other. He's kind of a CIA type of character.
Howard asked Christian how long it took him to get into the pants of the Jimmy Chu chick. Christian said that was a nice segue from the TV show into that. He didn't answer him on that though. Christian said that he's been with this chick for about a year now. He said they're both enjoying each other and not putting any pressure on each other. He didn't want to mention her age when he was asked about it.
Howard asked Christian if he's feeling pressure with this new TV show. Christian said he's really not. He said that NBC has been very supportive of the show and they're promoting the hell out of it. Howard asked if Mark Zucker come to the set and kiss his ass a lot. Christian said that they just let them do the show and leave them alone. Howard said he must feel that the show rests on him though. Christian said that at least he got there to the Stern Show. He said that this is the pinnacle.
Gary came in and said that Christian has to go, he has to do the Today show or something. Howard told Christian that he has to come back sometime when he has more time.
Hook Nose Mike called in and told Christian what a fan he is. He said that this interview is kind of rushed and he hopes that he does come back. He said it's great because Howard is telling Christian stories that he doesn't even remember. Christian said that he actually keeps a journal so he will have stuff for a book if he does write one. Howard told him to lock that up tight and not lose it.
Another caller asked Christian if he's ever had a dirty slut eat out his ass. Howard asked Christian if he has ever had that. Christian said ''Of course!'' Howard said he feels weird having a girl lick down there. Artie said that he's had that but he had to pay the chick to do it.
Another caller asked if Winona Ryder's mouth was big enough for him. Christian was being nice and didn't say anything all that revealing about her. Howard asked Christian if crazy chicks give the best sex. Christian said that they are great. He said he's having a great time now and Howard has no idea how great it is. Christian said that she's a wonderful woman and things feel great. Howard said he tells people what a great guy Christian is. Christian thanked him for that.
Howard said that he has to hang with Christian. He gets the good guy when he hangs with him and he has to get a hold of the other guy who parties. Howard said he has a great story to tell about Prince later on. He asked Christian to come back again sometime. Christian said that he loves the show and he listened to the stuff that they played last week with Artie's meltdown.
Howard asked Christian if Winona Ryder licked his ass. Christian didn't get to answer because he was laughing at Fred's juicy fart sounds. Howard said that this interview went too fast. Gary was telling him that they had to get him out of there.
Howard thanked Christian for coming in and said that they have to go out sometime. Christian said he heard that Rick's Cabaret is the new place. That's what Ronnie told him out in the elevator anyway. Howard told him that Ronnie is now known as Casanova Mund. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they have a $5,000 grand prize for the winner. Robin figured that Beth or Ralph will know him the best. Howard said he hopes that he doesn't come off as a jerk in this game. He said that Beth hopes that she wins because she is his wife after all.
Howard said that Beth is thinking that it's all about his history but it's actually very general questions. He said thinks that Beth will do well but his parents will do the worst. He said that they think they know him but they really don't. Howard said that they'll get to the game as soon as Ralph gets there.
Howard said that he loves the music of Prince and he's always wanted to see him in concert. He said that he never did get to see him because of his schedule. He said he got a call from a woman he knows, Randi St. Nicholas, who photographed him for a bunch of stuff. He said that Robin has met her before. Robin didn't remember meeting her. Howard said that Randi can make him look good somehow. He said that she's a great photographer.
Howard said that Randi was having a book party and she was going to have Prince play at her book party. Howard said that she invited him to go and he was very interested in going. He asked her how she got Prince to play there. She had apparently taken pictures of him and he was part of this book she was putting out.
Howard said he found out that it was going to be Prince playing in a room of 30-40 people on a Friday night. He said it was going to be in a hotel suite and he figured he was in. He said he went to the party and there were more like 80 people packed into the room. He said they got there and he saw Randi so he said hi to her.
Howard said that he was standing there and saw George Rush from Rush and Malloy there. He said that he wondered what the fuck was going on there. They had to stand because Prince requested that they all stand. He wondered what the hell that was about. Then someone brought over a chair for him and Beth. He said that everyone else was standing while he was sitting down.
Howard said that he was all excited that Prince was going to play in this tiny room. Prince came out to a pitch black room. Then they turned on the lights and Prince asked them to turn them off. Howard said that he thinks that it was Prince there. He said that part of the fun is to see the guy playing the guitar. He said that Prince wanted some kind of vibe but he couldn't see the motherfucker. He said the started to play and people were applauding him like sheep.
Howard said he yelled out ''why don't you put the fuckin lights on!?'' and Beth started to shush him. He said that he yelled out that the guy was fuckin' mental. Howard said that he doesn't want to be invited to anything like that if they're going to turn the lights out.
Howard said he asked George Rush if he was insulted. George didn't seem to care. Howard said that he was insulted so he told Rush to print that if he wanted.
Howard said that Beth was ready to go during the second song because she had to run the next morning. He said that during the second song Prince was taunting them to ''watch this'' but it was pitch black in the room. He said that he told Beth that they had to get out of there because this was bullshit. Howard said that people were applauding him though.
Howard said that it was so stupid because he wanted to see the guy playing guitar. He said that way he can perfect his air guitar.
Howard said that the lighting guy turned on the lights again during the next song and Prince told him to turn them off again. Howard said that he's here to say that Prince is the biggest asshole on the planet. Robin said that she went to see him one time and he came on late and mostly played pre-recorded music for them.
Howard said that he's not going to support this and he thinks that everyone should walk out. He said that they all should have done that but they all stayed and kissed his ass instead.
Howard said that Prince can suck his dick. Howard said that Randi is great and he can't cast any aspersions on her.
Dominic said that the whole wedding was planned out perfectly. Howard said that Beth arranged all of that stuff and it was a lot of fun.
Howard said that someone wrote that Dominic wasn't talking to the people at his table and it was like he didn't think they were good enough for him. Dominic said that he was just staying quiet and it was a very strange thing for him to be there.
Dominic asked why Chevy did his speech and what was his purpose there. Howard said that Chevy did that on his own and he didn't mind what he said even though other people were upset by it. Howard said he was amused by the speech.
Dominic said he thought the speech was improper and wrong. He said that everything else was great though and he had a great time there. Howard said that's what he hoped would happen.
Howard said that Ronnie was well behaved at the wedding because he didn't drink much. Howard said that Ronnie is the greatest player, with the ladies, of all time. He said that he was dancing with Sam Simon's girlfriend and he just about had sex with her on the dance floor. Robin said that JD was getting dirty with her too.
Howard said that Ronnie ends up with hot chicks and he's not sure how he does it. Robin said that some people think that Sam wanted to be talked about and set all of that up. Howard said that his hat is off to Ronnie because he zeroes in on the hottest chicks and they all like him.
Ronnie said that she came to him to dance and they had a great time. She asked Sam if it was okay and he was fine with it. Howard said that she was into Ronnie. Ronnie said that Sam was fine with it and they swapped girls to dance with.
Howard said that Ronnie looked like he was ready to score with that chick. Ronnie said that he was dancing with Natalie Maines too but didn't get quite as dirty with her. Ronnie said that it was a really fun time.
Robin said that almost everyone there poured a drink on her at the wedding. She said that Ross and JD poured drinks on her and JD broke his glass.
Ronnie said this hat is off to Sam Simon because that chick was really hot. He said that they all had a great time there. Howard was jealous and tried to go out and dance with her too. Howard said that Sal wasn't there and it's probably best because he could have ruined the whole night.
Howard played the audio of his mother calling in and complaining about them not picking them up when they were supposed to be in the last time. Howard did impressions of his parents calling in and complaining about all of that stuff.
Howard spent a few minutes doing his impressions of his parents. He said he loves his parents but he thinks he loves them too much because he's afraid of upsetting them. He said that he was going to kill himself if things didn't work out this morning.
Howard predicted that his parents were going to complain about the breakfast they were being served. He said that he hopes that Beth wins this game because they are married. Artie said that he would put his money on Robin to win. Howard said that he thinks Robin has a good shot but he thinks that Ralph or Beth will win. He said his parents will probably come in dead last. Artie said he'd bet him that they won't come in last.
Howard said that if Beth wins she'll give the 5 grand to charity but Ralph would probably keep every cent. Ralph came in after that and asked why they're insulting him about keeping the 5 grand. He said that it's good money that he could use.
Ralph said that he went online last night and looked up information about Howard to study for the game. Howard said that Ralph bought him shirt that they had to pin closed with some pins. They spent a minute on that.
Gary said that the people in the green room are upset about Ralph wanting to bring his notes into the studio for the game. Ralph said he's just studying them in the green room, he's not going to bring them in the studio.
Robin asked Howard what his first day was like being married. Howard said that it was great and they both agree that the sex is even better now. He said they'll ask Beth about that when she comes in. They went to break after that.
Howard was having trouble with the microphones echoing so he had to take care of that. Then his dad asked him if he was done abusing them this morning. Howard said that he doesn't like to see them abused and he was just doing an impression this morning.
Howard asked his parents how their trip in was this morning. Howard's mother Ray said that things went very well. She said that they had a nice trip with Jared and learned a lot about him. Howard said that they probably know more about him than they do about him.
Howard said that they have eliminated the hard questions and they shouldn't have to study the internet to figure out this stuff. Ray said that she probably should have studied but she doesn't have any internet. Howard said they won't even get an answering machine. He said that he'll try to call them and they'll say that no one ever called. Ralph said he gets that, that way they don't have to return any calls.
Howard said that he had to recognize a name change. He said that Beth no longer has that long last name of her's. She is now Beth Stern. Howard said that he loves being married to Beth and so far it's been bliss and he's only asked for a divorce twice. He said that he's a perfect husband but then said that it has to be horrible for Beth to be his wife because it's got to be very hard.
Howard said being married is great and then tried to do the math for how long they've been married. Ben did it for him and told him they've been married for 10 days. Ralph asked him what the best part of being married is.
Howard said that the sex is better and Ralph coughed out ''anal'' so Howard asked him not to do that in front of his parents. His mother said she was fine with that. Howard said that she has never had anal but Ray said she never said if she did or didn't have anal and it was none of his business.
Howard asked his parents what they're going to do with the money if they win. Ben said he would take Ray out to dinner for her birthday if they win.
Ben said that he wanted to say that he is there under protest because Ralph came in with notes. Ralph told Ben that if he had the internet then he could study too. Howard told everyone that no one knows the questions ahead of time. He said that he's not going to let anyone cheat. Ben wanted to know where the auditors were with the locked briefcase.
Howard said he's going to give everyone the questions and then have everyone write down the answers. He thought his mother was going to write down the answers but she wanted Ben to write them down. Howard figured she wouldn't be able to give her answers if she wasn't writing them down. She told Howard that she'd just tell Ben what her answer was.
Howard asked his father what he thinks about betting on the horses and how he picks the horses. He said that he doesn't bet a lot of money and he will bet exatas and stuff like that. Howard figured that his mother must hate this stuff. She said she does and she doesn't understand it. She said that everyone has to do their own thing though.
Ben said that he once hit a daily double for $15,000 a few years ago. He said that he never told Ray about the win though. He said there is no reason to tell her about that. Howard said that he lit a fire in his house the other day and his father said he doesn't light fires because people get distracted by them. Ralph said he loves that he has thoughts on a fire like that.
Howard said that he feels much closer to his wife now and she was telling him that she feels like they're a team now. Beth said that she ran 20 miles on Saturday and felt terrible after that. Howard said he can't wait until this marathon is over. He said that his mother was even asking him what all that running is about. Ray said she thinks that it's too much stress on your body.
Beth said that she's raised $250,000 so far and Rachel Ray is sponsoring her for $50,000. Ralph said that you can go see Beth at GoBethO.org and she's doing exercises and stuff in the videos.
Howard said his therapist thinks that his mother has had a lot of loss in her life and that's why she's so against all of this working out stuff. She's afraid that she's going to lose more people and doesn't want them overdoing things.
Howard said that his mother has known him since he was born and his father has known him since 1997 when his movie came out. Howard then got into the game and asked ''What was the name of the summer camp where Howard was a counselor?'' Everyone had ''Wel-Met'' and got it right.
Howard asked ''What was the name of Howard's first girlfriend who he had sex with?'' Ray and Ben didn't know the answer. Robin got it right with ''Robin.''
''Who is Howard's best friend?'' was the next question. Howard said that he did have an answer for this and it wasn't Beth even though she is his best friend. Robin said ''Ralph'' and got it right. Ralph got it right, so did Beth. Ben and Ray said ''your mother.'' Ray refused to take ''Ralph'' as the correct answer.
Howard asked ''What was Howard's major in college?'' Ray knew it was communications. Everyone else knew it as well.
Howard said that they asked him what his happiest moment in his life was. That was before this wedding. Ray said that it was when his daughter was born. Howard said that was wrong. Everyone said it was the birth of his kids but Howard said it was ''summer camp.'' They were calling Howard a horrible person for saying that.
Howard asked ''Where is Howard's dream vacation place?'' Howard threw that one out when everyone got upset about the question. Howard said the answer was ''Mexico.'' Beth said that it was The Hamptons.
Howard asked ''If Howard wasn't a broadcaster, what career would he have picked?'' Ray said that she wasn't finished yet. She said that he liked to work in the kitchen. Beth said ''chef'' and got it right. Robin got it right as well.
Howard said that his parents had 3 points, Beth had 5, Ralph had 3 and Robin had 5. Howard then asked ''What was Howard's favorite subject in school?'' Ray said ''English'' and got it right. Beth said ''math'' and missed it. Ralph said History and Robin said English.
Howard asked ''What is Howard's favorite drink?'' Ray said water and got it wrong. Beth knew it was cranberry and seltzer. Ralph missed it, so did Robin.
Howard asked ''What is Howard's favorite food?'' Everyone guessed ''pasta'' and got it right. Next up was ''What was Howard's pet chicken's name?'' It was ''Pecky'' and Ben got it right, so did Beth. Ralph and Robin didn't get it.
Howard asked ''Who was Howard's hero when he was growing up?'' Robin said it was Paul Winchell and got it wrong. Everyone else missed with Superman. Howard said it was his father. Ben said that he was so emotional that he couldn't respond to that.
Howard asked ''What is Howard's Hebrew name?'' Ralph said it was ''Richie Wilson'' but missed it. Beth guessed Shvi but said it wrong. Robin missed it and his parents got it right.
Howard asked ''Has Howard ever had sex with an Asian woman?'' Ben asked what kind of question that was. Everyone said no and got it right.
Howard asked who his favorite comedian was. Ray said she didn't know. Beth wrote Chevy Chase and got it wrong. Robin and Ralph got it right with Chris Rock.
Howard asked what the oddest thing was that he ever collected. Ben said it was MAD magazine. Beth didn't know. Ralph and Robin said skulls and got it right.
Howard said that Robin was in the lead with 10, Beth had 9, Ben and Ray had 8 and Ralph had 7 points. Howard then asked what his worst habit is. Ben said it was picking his nose. Beth said teeth grinding, Ralph said smelling himself. They all got it wrong, Howard said it was picking his teeth.
Howard had one more question which was ''What is the name of the African American that Howard once dated?'' The answer was Robin Givens. Ray and Ben didn't know. Ralph, Beth and Robin all got it right. Robin answered ''Robin'' without the last name. Ralph thought that she shouldn't have won because she didn't give the last name.
Artie said that it is weird that Robin didn't write the last name. Robin swears she knew it was Robin Givens. Robin said they didn't specify that they give her last name. Beth said it was ridiculous if they didn't give it to her. Fred said they should give it to her.
Howard found one more question even though that last one was supposed to be the final. He asked how many times per week he goes to therapy. Ray said 4, Ben said 3. Beth even put 4 but it's actually just 3. Robin got it right and so did Ralph.
Ray said that the questions should have been more about soul searching kind of things. She said that these questions weren't right for the game and no one learned anything about him. Ralph agreed that they were horrible questions. Beth asked Howard how many tattoos he has. Ray said she hates those tattoos and doesn't even look at them. Howard asked Ralph how many he has. Ralph said 2 but it's actually 4.
Howard wanted an example of what his mother wanted to hear. She didn't have an example but kept saying the questions were just not right. Howard asked his mother what his birth sign is. She said it was Capricorn but didn't think that it was a good question.
Howard said that he was getting a headache from this game. Howard asked his mom and dad who they're going to vote for. Ray said that she's voting for Obama. She said that he knows all of those answers already and she can't vote for McCain and she can't put up with that. Howard said he thinks that Obama is going to win big because of the way things have gone for the past 8 years.
Ben said that he shudders when he thinks of Palin sitting in the White House. Ralph said that he's voting for Palin because she's great. He said that he loves how entertaining she is. Then he said that he's not even registered to vote. He said he's not smart enough to vote.
Ben said that he hasn't decided who he's going to vote for yet. He said that he can't vote for McCain and there are 160 people running for President. He said he's not happy with the way the debates are going and with the way the primaries went. He said he's got 3 weeks left to work on who to vote for.
Ralph asked Ben who he would vote for if he had to vote today. Ben said it would be Obama but things could change in the next few weeks. Ben said that both McCain and Obama have never had real jobs and they never owned a business or anything like that. They have no business running this country. Howard said that he's right there. Ben also went off on Palin about some of the stuff that's going on with her.
Robin said that she's going to donate this money to Beth's run. Ralph told her that's a waste of money and she might as well just throw it out the window.
Howard had to ask Ralph to quiet down so he could talk to his dad. He told his dad about the money going to the charity since he didn't hear it. Howard asked Beth what the best part of being married to him is. Beth said that it all just feels right to her and she just loves him. Howard said that this is the best decision that he ever made.
Ben said that you have to like a person before you can say you love them. He said that he's told his grand daughters about that. They spent a minute talking about that and then Ray was saying that she didn't like what Ben was wearing this morning. Howard asked what was wrong with it. Ray said that he could do better. Ralph agreed and said that the jacket looked a little frumpy.
Howard said that he went up to his father's closet to help him find something to wear and the stuff didn't look that bad to him. Ray said that she buys him all of his clothing. She said that he has to try it all on. Ray said that he hates it and he gets mad at her if she says something about his clothing.
Ben said that a man goes to buy while a woman goes to shop. Howard asked Ray why she doesn't just go buy clothes and bring them back to his father. Ray said that she can't do that because he'll get upset. Ben said that they have 7 closets full of clothes. He said that they're all full and they have wooden closets in the basement that he had filled too and he can't wear any of it because she criticizes it all.
Ray said that Ben keeps everything and doesn't throw it out. She said that just last year he finally threw out the suit he wore to Howard's first wedding. Ben said it still fit like a glove too.
Howard asked Ben about the time his mother said she wanted to be celibate. Ben said that if he wanted that he would have married a nun. Howard said that his mom said that she never said anything like that. She said she still thinks sex is good. Ben asked Howard if he knows how old he is. Howard said that he's 86 but he's really just 85. Howard said that Ben is the same age as Hugh Hefner. Ben didn't hear that. Howard had to repeat himself. Ben said that Hefner is sitting there with three broads. Howard asked him if he feels he missed something by not having three girls. Ben said that's a given.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and Ben told Ralph he did a great job with those notes he took. Ralph told him to shut up and sit down.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he wanted to tell Ben and Ray that they make the show special for the fans and he wanted to thank them for that. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. Howard said that Dominic likes to listen to himself on the radio after he calls in so he wasn't able to hear anything they were asking him after that.
Irish John called in and said that he thinks they need another episode of Meet the Sterns. Howard said that he would like them to do more but he can't tell if they like doing it or not. Ray said that there's nothing left to say.
John asked why Ralph is so angry and snippy with Beth this morning. Ralph said he's not. Then he asked Beth if there was one single thing that changed her mind on the marriage thing. Beth said it was when Howard asked her if she wanted to do it. Ray said that they were living together for 8 years, they were already married in her mind. She said it was the right thing to do and he did it.
Robin said that she knew that he was going to do it so she wins again. Ray said that she thinks that they're terrific together and it makes other people feel good to see it.
Howard took some more calls and one guy was saying that Robin can take Ralph out to Nobu and just let him take the money from the tip to give him that money he lost. That led to the guys talking about Ralph being accused of stealing. Ben said that he returns money when he's given too much at the track. He said he's not into making money from other people's mistakes.
Gary said there's another accusation against Ralph. Gary said that he heard that Ralph may have picked up a $100 bill that John Stamos threw down for a tip. Ralph said that he did that as a joke. He said he's not going to steal money with people watching him.
Howard took some more calls and one guy asked if his parents were at home when they conceived him. Howard figured they were at home because they never go anywhere. Howard asked if they ever had sex outside of the bedroom. Ray said there was. Ben was still thinking about it when she answered. Howard asked where it was but Ray wasn't saying. She said that she didn't want to share that. Ben said that they were in Paris one time and he got very amorous after drinking more and more wine. He said that they were at a hotel though so it was in the hotel room that they did it.
Ray said that they did it outside of the bedroom at their house as well. Howard said that he knows they're lying. Howard said that he can't believe that they had sex anywhere but in the bedroom. Ben and Ray said that they would do things to let each other know when it was time to do it. Ray would light a candle and Ben had his own little thing he would do.
Ray said that she had a miscarriage before Howard. Howard said ''thank god!'' Ray agreed and said that she can't imagine what kind of little monster she would have had. Ray went on to say that Ben bought a book to help her keep track of her temperatures to figure out when they could conceive. She was having problems getting pregnant at the time. She said that she didn't bother with the book and ended up getting pregnant the next month.
Ray said the doctor suggested they have her hips raised when they had sex so that's what they did. Howard said he's glad he spoke to them about this because he's learned a lot. He thanked them for coming in and said he was hoping they'd do a little better in the game. Howard said that they actually did better than he thought they would.
Ben said that this is not a new marriage anymore. He said that after 10 days it's not new. Howard told them that they should have seen Beth's dress that she wore. The guys put a picture up on the monitors for everyone to see. Ben said that he was very proud of his daughter-in-law after seeing that.
Howard told his parents to sit there and wait for him to come over and help them get up. He said that he doesn't want them to get up and trip over the wires on the floor. He wanted to send Jared home with them this morning to make sure they can get back home without any incidents. Howard played a prank call that the guys made using clips of his parents. They called a public access show with clips of Ben and Ray saying various things. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that one of the things he wanted to get to was this list that Ralph had. He said that there were some guys commenting on how hot Jillian Barberie looked at the wedding. Benjy said that he thinks that she's pleasant on TV but she looked great in person. He said that he found her real sexy when he met her at the wedding.
Artie said that he thought she was really sexy too. Howard figured that she had to have gotten her ass kissed in high school. Howard said he thinks that Jillian looks terrific.
Howard asked Ralph to give his list of the hottest chicks at his wedding. Ralph said that Sherri Zombie is really hot. That's Rob Zombie's wife. Howard said he heard that Ralph is hanging out with Natalie Maines now. Howard said that Natalie has never even had him over to her house. Howard figures he's not fun enough for her.
Ralph said that Robin had a debate party with that new guy she's dating. Howard said he didn't even know that she was dating the guy. Ralph said it took her no time at all. Robin said that they've gone out a few times. Howard said that he's happy about that then. He said he feels responsible for that since he helped them hook up. Howard said they have to have him back on the show. Howard asked Robin if she thinks that kid is going to ask her to his prom. Robin just laughed.
Ralph talked about going to Natalie's home and how her neighbor is Sandra Bernhard. He said that she has a really hot girlfriend now too and she was straight before she met Sandra. Howard said he's not going to let Beth go out with Sandra after hearing that. Ralph said that she's looking really good these days too. Howard said she's got to be in her 50s by now. Gary told him that she's actually 53 as of June.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and said that it's time to do a roast for Howard now that he's married and his birthday is coming up in January. Howard said that he might be right and they'll have to talk about that. Bob said that they need to do it outside of the show and at night. Howard said that maybe they should do it live on SIRIUS and live on Howard TV. Gary said that he might be able to get Chris Rock to show up and do that.
Gary said that they played the Artie Roast last week and it was really great. Fred went into his Jim Florentine impression and asked if he could get on the roast. Robin said that he's not allowed. It sounded like she was just joking around but Howard said she sounds kind of bitter. Robin said that she's not talking about the real Jim, she's talking about this (Fred) Jim. Then she said that she thinks that the real Jim shouldn't be on the roast because they may not have enough room for him. Ralph told her that was really heavy.
Howard asked Robin if she really wants him to leave Jim out of this thing. She said that it's not up to her and he can do whatever he wants. Gary thought she was giving him the ''wink wink'' thing and not coming right out and saying that she doesn't want him there.
Gary said that he got roasted at the Friar's Club last week and Robin was taking a lot of shrapnel there. Yucko called in and said that he wants to do the roast for Howard. Artie then asked which celebrity they should get to host the roast. Howard said he thought that was Bob's job. Artie figured that Bob wouldn't even think he was big enough to do the roast.
Artie said that for Florentine not to do the roast would be a career thing. He said that it's going to get a lot of press and he's a regular on the roasts. Howard said that he's not even sure that Jim would be in the roast. Artie and Ralph thought Robin was being a little brutal with Jim. Robin said they were talking about Chris Rock... and then cut herself off and said that they're trying to paint her into a corner and she's not going there.
Fred did his Jim impression and goofed around with that a little bit. Howard said he wants to talk to Robin in private and find out what's really going on with that. He told her she has to come clean. Ralph said they have to have Jim on.
Howard said they'll move on for now and talk about the roast later. He said it's very late and they have to get to the news and stuff.
Howard said that he's going to have Artie come out sometime, somewhere, and try to hook the two of them up. Artie said he has to lose a few pounds first. He asked for permission to do coke for a few weeks to lose 80 pounds. Howard jokingly told him that was fine but then had second thoughts about that.
Howard had Ralph get back to his list. He had Jillian Barberie next. Then Melissa Zapin who sang at the wedding. Howard said that Melissa did sing and Phoebe Snow told him that she's got a great voice. Billy Joel even came over and said something about how great she was and how she didn't miss a note.
Ralph said that Alycia Lane was next on his list. He said that's Chris Booker's girlfriend. Then Kelly Ripa was on the list. Ralph said he didn't even have these women numbered, he just threw a bunch of names on the list.
Howard asked Ralph to get to more of his list but he ended up talking about how disturbed he was by his mother's ''monster'' comment she made while talking about her miscarriage. He said that he has to talk about that in his therapy today. He said he might have to leave early to get to that appointment.
Ralph listed Heather, Bubba's wife, next on his list. Howard said that she always gives him an air kiss when he goes to kiss her. He said that he thinks he gets more from Bubba than he does from Heather.
Ralph listed Sam Simon's girlfriend Jenna next on his list. He said that she was really hot out on the dance floor. Howard congratulated Ronnie on what he was doing with her on the dance floor. Howard said there were a ton of hot chicks there at the wedding and JD said something to him about that.
Ralph listed Leah Marsh as the next hot chick. That was John Stamos' date. Howard said that he was done with Ralph now and told him he could leave. Howard went to break after that.
Doug said that he walked over to see Bubba and Heather and he kind of had his hand on her tit. Doug said that he wasn't sure what was going on. He said that she walked away around that time and Bubba told him to go ahead and feel them. Doug said that he didn't want to do that but Bubba told him to just go head and feel them.
Doug said that he did it and Heather didn't say a word. Howard said he never gets that from Bubba and Heather. Doug said that Bubba tells him that's the way they roll so he just did it.
Doug said that Brent's wife came over after that and she's got huge tits too. Then Doug said his wife Marlo came over and Amanda was feeling Marlo's boobs. He said that Marlo isn't into that stuff, but he wishes she was. Doug said that Marlo was uneasy with it but then her hands were on her boobs a little bit. It wasn't sexual and erotic though.
Doug said that Amanda was ready to leave with Marlo and was just about begging her to leave with her. Doug said he thinks that something could have happened if Marlo was into it. Howard said that he never gets that invitation to do that.
Bubba called in and said that they're just afraid of Howard. He said that he doesn't care if Howard fucks Heather. He said that he'd send her up to him this weekend if he wants. He said that he'd even let her blow Artie while Howard fucks her. Howard said that she always gives him an air kiss though.
Bubba said that Heather told him that she can see why Beth is so into him. Bubba said that he would even let Fred do anything to her because he's afraid to say no to Fred.
Bubba was saying that he would let Howard grab Heather's titties and stuff but they're scared of them. He said that if they were out in the Hamptons or something then maybe something might happen. Howard said that Beth isn't into chicks but he thinks that with the way Heather rolls, something might happen.
Bubba said that they never swing or anything. They once hooked up with a porn girl down there in Tampa but that was about it.
Bubba wasn't into the food that they had at Howard's wedding. Howard said that he's really into that kind of food though. Howard said that he's not looking to eat that much like Bubba and Artie. Bubba said that he and Artie go out to get their nutrition while skinny guys like Howard don't.
Bubba said that he and Brent had a great time at the wedding. Howard said that he did say hello to the guys but they didn't talk much.
Bubba said that everyone was cool except for Chevy Chase. He said that guy was just a dick and Sam Simon was going to give him 5 grand to go clothesline the guy.
Howard thanked Bubba for coming up for the wedding. Bubba said that Buchwald was getting crazy dancing out there with everyone. Bubba said that he can't dance and didn't get out there with him. Howard thanked Bubba for the call and let him go so he could move on.
Steve said that High Pitch Eric stood outside of the wedding for 6 hours while the wedding was going on. Steve had some other stuff from the wedding as well.
Steve said that they have a story about an LA Times story where they talk about how Howard has lost his cultural influence. He said that it seems like the same story that John Mainelli did 2 years ago. Howard said that Gary read him that story and they listed the people they had on the old show over the course of 20-some years and they've only been at SIRIUS for just under 3 years. Gary said that they're spaced out and they have had some great guests there.
Howard said they're not known for getting huge celebrity guests on this show anyway. He said it's really about the same as it always was.
Steve said that Shuli got some stories about William Shatner from Jay Thomas who worked with him on his show. He heard through Jay that Shatner was going to send George Takei a pitch fork to shove up his ass.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview even though it was almost 11 o'clock already and they hadn't started the news. That led to Artie giving Howard the $50 he owed him from the game they played earlier. Artie had bet Howard that his parents wouldn't come in last but they did. Jon ran through the rest of his show preview and then Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard said that Isaac isn't obnoxious and doesn't get on his nerves. Artie said that he was nice to this guy before he even knew who he was while Sal wasn't nice to him until he found out who he was. Isaac said that Sal wouldn't give him the time of day before he knew who he was but when he found out he was making him the star of bits and stuff.
Howard had Robin get to her news after that. Robin started off thanking Jon Favreau for helping her get a tour of the Lucas Film studios out in San Francisco. She also thanked someone by the name of Gretchen for giving her the tour.
Howard said that he finally got to see The Hulk movie that's out on DVD now. He said that it was great. Artie said he saw Iron Man finally and he watched it 4 times because it was so good.
Robin started off with a story about Lisa Marie Presley having twins over the weekend. She eventually asked Howard if he got the bottle of champagne that she went to him. Howard said that he didn't. Then she described the bottle as being a huge magnum of champagne that was engraved with his and Beth's names on it. Then Howard said they did get it but there was no card with it. Robin said that her initials are engraved on it as well.
Robin said that J-Lo and Marc Anthony renewed their vows. She read that story and then read one about Angelina Jolie talking about how she was inspired to have her own kids with Brad Pitt after seeing how he bonded with kids.
Robin had a story about a survey that was done about brides who think that they'll have a better sex life after marriage. Howard said that their sex has gotten better since the marriage.
Robin read a story about Jon Bon Jovi being sued for $400 billion over a song that some guy thinks he ripped off. Robin had a story about the Jonas Brothers playing at a football game during a half time show soon.
Robin read a story about world leaders meeting over the weekend about the financial crisis that's going on around the world. She also said they're predicting that 1 in 5 car dealerships could fail in the next few years because of this financial crisis.
Howard said that Fred didn't want to put money in the back when he first met him. He said that Fred was afraid to put it in there.
Ralph came in and said that Apple stock went up 9 points last week and it was the only stock to go up while the rest of the stuff was going down.
Robin said that video game mogul Richard Garriot paid $35 million to go up to the international space station. She said that they gave a Nobel Prize to a guy who thinks that Bush and his administration are at fault for where the country is now with their financial crisis.
Robin read some news about John McCain and Sarah Palin falling in the polls. She had some audio of Palin trying to explain terrorism. Howard said that if a history teacher said what she said, they'd be fired. Palin also talked about working on fixing the tax code. Howard said that the Tina Fey impression of her is great.
Robin had some audio of Hillary Clinton saying that we must elect Obama/Biden. She had more audio of her talking about some other things as well. Howard said that he wishes that Clinton was the nominee. He said he still feels that she could win.
Robin said that Castro has come out and said that he's amazed that Obama hasn't been assassinated yet. That led to Howard talking to Isaac about his mother who is Cuban for a minute.
Robin read some more news about McCain and Obama. McCain is going back on Letterman this week after he canceled his appearance a few weeks ago. Howard said that he might book himself on Letterman and then cancel, blaming it on the financial crisis.
Robin read some news about Starbucks trying to keep loyal customers coming in with a 10 percent discount on coffee. She said that Barack Obama was going door to door over the weekend trying to get votes from independents. She had some news about the movie ''Beverly Hills Chihuahua'' being number one at the box office. She said that the remake of ''Quarantine'' was number 2. Robin said she saw the original version and it was terrifying even in Spanish with no sub-titles.
Robin had some audio of Leonardo DiCaprio talking about his latest movie. She wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Gary said that Ralph needed the money and he ended up losing. Robin didn't even needed it or care about it and she ended up winning. Ralph said that he already had that money spent and wanted to spend it on Apple stock.
Gary asked Ralph what he missed. Ralph said that he thought that Howard was more into water than that Cranberry stuff. He said that it could have been vodka too. Ralph said that if it was Howard's favorite drink then he'd drink it at work too but he doesn't.
Jon played some audio from the game where Howard was asking the question about dating Robin Givens. That's also where Robin didn't write down ''Givens'' on her answer.
Jon asked the woman what her question was. She asked Ralph how he and Howard became buddies. Gary said that he and Ralph have a disagreement on that. He asked Ralph how he came to the show. Ralph said he went to a show at Club Bene that they did and brought in some pictures of the work he was doing on special effects masks and stuff. That led to him getting a job on the WWOR TV (channel 9) show that they were doing.
Gary asked Ralph what he was doing for a living at the time. Ralph said he was working on movies and at an auto place for his friend's family. Ralph said that Gary was very confrontational with him when he called him for the first time.
Jon asked Ralph when his friendship changed. Ralph said that he got to hang out with Howard a lot when they were working on the wardrobe for the channel 9 show. He said that they hit it off pretty quick and he could relate to him very easily.
Gary said that Ralph and Howard really did hit it off and it's kind of shocking. He said that he kind of said that at the wedding when he introduced him. Ralph said that he had to go first at the wedding and he was unable to relax until after that.
Gary said that Ralph didn't come prepared with his speech at the wedding. He was doing it at the last minute there. Gary said that Ralph ended up throwing out his cards and just did the speech from his heart. Ralph said that he was really nervous and had one of those ''Humina, humina'' moments when he looked around the room. He said that it was the number of people that were there that freaked him out. He said that he never wants to do that again.
Ralph said that he loves Howard's parents and some of the stuff they revealed today. He said that he liked the story about the candle Ray would light when it was time to have sex.
Gary said that he was surprised at the answer Howard gave for his most special moment in his life when Howard said that it was going to camp. Jon said that he asked Howard those questions and he did say that he didn't want to single out just one kid.
A caller asked if they can do this on a regular basis and have a play off or something. He said that they should have Ralph in every time and have him lose every time.
Gary said that Sal wouldn't be good in that game because he would only know what he wants to know about Howard. He said that Sal can pick out certain things about Howard that he would know and not know a lot of other stuff. He and Jon both said that you have to work there to know what they're talking about.
The guys talked about the way Beth was going off on Ralph and cursing on the air today. Benjy said he thinks that she's much more confident on the radio than she was in the past.
Gary said that he thinks that if it was someone else's wedding, they'd all be goofing on the vows and stuff like that. Ralph said if it was someone else's wedding they'd even be goofing on the amount of food. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon got back to the wedding and asked Ralph about the hottest chicks at the wedding. Gary said that he didn't know that some of the celebrities were going to be there. Ralph said that it was just a great vibe there and it was real fun the whole time.
Benjy asked if they liked the Chevy toast. Gary said that's the kind of toast Chevy would do. Benjy said it didn't get big laughs though. Gary said that some people may have been shocked that he was even there at the wedding. Benjy said that Chevy may have thought that people were just toasting them and didn't know that they had planned it out.
Jon said that it was pretty incredible when Billy Joel got up and started singing. Ralph said it was amazing because he was like a foot away from him.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they noticed that Howard has kind of had a cock up his ass before the wedding and today he wasn't picking on anyone. Gary said that Howard did say he was stressed about that stuff and he also had a week off so he was more relaxed today.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's glad that Ralph lost the game. He said that with the lie detector thing he shouldn't be allowed to play. Ralph said that he was going to do the lie detector test but they have to pay him to do it. Gary said they were going to pay him if he passed it. Ralph said he wants to be paid either way.
Jon took one last call from a guy who said that he thinks Howard was wrong at his own game with some of his answers. The guy said that he missed the ''favorite vacation'' and the question about what career he would have. Gary said he was thinking that he was wrong about the career thing at first too but they did ask him what he would be doing if he wasn't in broadcasting.
Jon brought up this new guy that Robin is dating. Ralph said that he blurted that out and he probably shouldn't have. He said he's not sure he was supposed to say that. They also talked about the Florentine roasting Howard as well. Gary said that Jim is coming in to do the show in a few weeks and Robin has already cleared that. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started off the show talking about Artie's audio book. He said that he had a clip of it to play too. Howard said that it's really good. He ended up playing a clip the guys edited together from the book instead of a real clip. Artie was talking about doing gay stuff in the clips.
Howard said that Gary was talking shit too. He played one clip with Gary talking about blowing some dude. In another one Gary talks about carrying those enormous Chicklets in his mouth. Gary read some of Artie's book for him so that's how they got clips of him.
Howard talked about yesterdays' show and how Robin won the ''Who Knows Howard Best'' game. Howard said she should be his best friend based on that win. Beth was complaining that the questions were stupid and so were his parents. Howard said that he hardly knows himself and he would have come in last place if he had to play.
Robin said that she was baffled by the answer he had for the happiest moment in his life. Being in camp isn't the same as giving birth to his kids. Howard joked that he gave birth to his kids at camp.
Howard had some clips from the roast. The first one was Pat Cooper roasting Gary and talking about how brilliant he is. He said he's brilliant because he has no talent and he's making tons of money.
Howard said that they're going to be playing the roast as a special and he suggested that they cut out anyone who really bombs at the roast. He said he now understands why they do that for the roasts they show on TV.
Artie said that they had Tommy Davidson at the Hugh Hefner roast and the song he tried turned out to be awful and they had to cut that out. Artie said that you dig a hole that the next guy has to dig out of. He said that Andy Dick did a long bit at the Shatner roast and they cut most of it out. They also cut out Fred Willard who isn't really a roasting kind of comedian.
Artie said that Farrah Fawcett was at that roast too and she didn't do all that great either. Robin remembered Eddie Griffin getting cut out of a roast. Artie said he wasn't there for that one but he heard that he did really bad at the Pam Anderson roast. He said you have to be prepared to do a roast like that and he doesn't think that he was prepared.
Howard played more of Pat Cooper roasting Gary. Howard said that Goomba Johnny was the winner of the roast contest. He played some of him roasting Gary. Howard and the guys got some laughs out of that. Johnny was goofing on Gary's teeth and stuff like that. The guy was going on and on about his teeth but it was making Howard laugh pretty hard. Howard said that guy did a good job.
Howard asked Gary why he did the roast. Gary said that their agent, don Buchwald, asked him to do it to get some attention for the Friar's club. He said that's why he did it. Gary said that the people there are so old there. Howard joked that Pat Cooper is considered a teenager there.
Howard played a clip of Gary giving his response to the comedians who just roasted him. He goofed on each of the comedians that had just roasted him. He had a bunch about Pat Cooper and Gilbert Gottfried and one liners about most of the others. Gary thanked Sal and Shuli for helping him write those jokes.
The guys talked about how Sal could have fucked up the wedding if he was allowed to go. Artie said that he could imagine Sal coming in yesterday and telling everyone that he discussed it with people that it was a good idea to sing ''Cunt, Cunt, Cunt'' at the wedding.
Howard said Sal seemed to be okay yesterday even though he wasn't at the wedding. Gary said that Sal seems to be accepting it and he wasn't upset that he wasn't there.
Howard said that most of the guys understand that there is a problem with Sal and they just couldn't have him there. He said that it was too bad that his wife wasn't able to go. Howard said that he noticed that Sal isn't coming in the studio.
Howard said that Sal isn't coming to any parties he has from now on. Howard mentioned that at the Artie party he threw, Sal was throwing food at people within an hour of getting there. Howard said he just can't do that. Gary said that Sal had an excuse and said that DePace started the fight.
Sal came in and said that he's okay with not going to the wedding. He said that he liked it when he heard that Howard and Beth both agreed that they would have each other's backs. Sal said the worst thing in his marriage was when he was betrayed. Artie laughed when he heard that. He told Sal that sounds so tragic.
Howard said that Sal is talking about Sal's wife having that ''emotional friend'' that she had for a while. Robin was goofing on Sal about that so Sal asked Howard to please let Jim Florentine come in for the roast.
Howard said that Sal feels betrayed but his wife probably feels betrayed as well. Gary said that Sal will come in and tell him stories about his life and they're always tragic stories. He mentioned one about a conversation that Sal and his wife had one night out at dinner. Sal explained the story and said that his wife was telling another woman that she knows how to keep her husband away from her when the other woman mentioned her husband didn't like her fully shaved. Sal said that's the kind of frame of mind his wife is in.
Howard said that when it comes to that kind of thing you should just get a divorce. Howard said that they know a woman who has gas just to keep her husband away from her.
Sal said he's been keeping a list of what his wife does to keep him away from her. He has things like sore throat, headache and upset stomach. He said that she'll even tell him that she's full and she can't be moved around. Sal said the other night she told him that she just wanted to relax. Sal said he started rubbing her calf with his foot and she told him she just wanted to relax. Sal said that he turned around and just laughed himself to sleep when that happened.
Sal congratulated Howard and Beth and wanted to just move on. Howard had clips of Sal talking about what he was thinking of doing at the wedding if he had been invited. Sal asked Howard to just move on. Howard played the clip where Sal talked about this wacky thing that he thought Howard might enjoy.
Howard said that Richard created a new song about Robin. He thought that Sal was in it too but Sal said it was all Richard. The song was a Halloween song of course. It was ''Robin's Gash'' to the tune of ''Monster Mash.'' Howard said he thought Sal was the background singing but it was all Richard.
Howard said that Sal went out and asked the Wack Pack about the stock market crashing. He played that bit and had Wendy the Retard giving people advice on what to do now that the market is doing so poorly. Wendy said that she's been trying to find food scraps on the side of the road because of what's going on. Jeff the Drunk told people to put their heads between their legs and kiss their asses goodbye. Big Foot was also saying that he won't give advice until he's paid for that. Big Foot was all worked up in the clip and saying that they have to rebuild the stock market from the ground up. Howard said he liked Wendy's advice to find scraps.
During that conversation Sal mentioned that he made $850,000 in the stock market. Howard and Artie said they found that hard to believe.
Eric said that he didn't go there expecting to get laid. He was just going to hang out with the chicks. He didn't know he was going to get laid.
Eric told Howard that Haley was on cam on his JFSC cam. Howard checked her out and said that she is kind of cute. Howard had her standing up and showing off her body and stuff. Howard said she looked like Kate Hudson with big tits.
Howard asked Eric about the girls that they had at the ranch. Eric said that he was a comped guest and he met Haley in the main parlor and started talking to him. Eric said that she took off her top in the room there. Howard asked if he was still in his chair at that time. Eric said that he was.
Howard asked Eric if he knew that she wanted to bang him. Eric said that Haley got down to his level and he started rubbing her breasts and sucking on them. Then he told her to put her hands down his pants and underwear. He said that she did that while he was still in his chair. She had him undressed in his chair and he had no problem getting it up for her.
Howard asked what kind of money she needed to do Eric. Artie figured it was like $300,000. Howard asked Eric if she said anything like ''Eww!'' Eric said that she actually complimented him on his penis. He said that she didn't get grossed out or anything. Eric said that she told him that he had a pretty looking penis. Howard told him that chicks always tell you shit like that.
Howard asked Eric if she started to blow him at that point. Eric said that she was rubbing him and blowing him. He didn't shoot his load in 3 seconds like Howard figured he would. Eric said that she put him on the bed after that.
Howard asked if she picked him up like Superman and Lois Lane. Eric said that he weighs 80 pounds so it wasn't that hard for her to do it. Howard asked if she was naked at that point. Eric said she had her panties on at that point.
Howard was trying to help Eric move the story along but Eric was saying that he was trying to tell his story. Howard said that this is actually great and now they can talk man to man.
Eric said that he was put on the bed and he had his condom on. She continued to give him a blow job and he finished that. Then he blew his load and they had sex another time later. Eric said that the blow job lasted a long time but he didn't time it. Johnny said that they can call that ''eternity.''
Howard asked Eric about getting his next boner. Eric said that it didn't take that long actually. Eric said he had sex for the first time and she got on top of him. Eric said that they did that a couple of times and he got on top of her a couple of times. Eric said that she gave him a massage too.
Eric said that they laid on their sides face to face and did it in that position too. Robin asked how he could be inside her if they were face to face. Robin figured he was face to belly button with her. Johnny just laughed when he heard that.
Eric said that he was in there for about an hour and a half or two hours having sex. Johnny told him to tell them about getting on top of her. Eric said he already did. Johnny missed it somehow.
Eric said that he went back to the place the night after and had Haley and another chick at the same time. The other chick was Tara. Eric said that Haley gave him a blow job and a hand job while the other chick had sex with him.
Howard said that he was getting bored with this story that Eric was telling. He said that even Eric's sex stories are boring. Gary told him that he was getting Haley on the phone. Howard said that he's not sure she'll be honest about this whole thing.
Howard asked Eric if he told Haley that he's in love with her. Eric said he won't tell her that. He said that would be putting him on the spot. Artie said he didn't care and said ''Bye Eric!''
Howard had Haley on the phone so he asked her what it was like to fuck Eric. She said it was quite an experience. She said that she figured she could try something once and it was fun. Artie asked her if Dennis Hof has some pictures of her doing something illegal or something. Haley just laughed.
Howard asked Haley if it was intense blowing Eric. She said that he was actually a big man for a little guy. She said that she's a people pleaser and she likes doing it for Eric. She said that he didn't give her and orgasm or anything though.
Howard asked Haley how much she was paid to do the job. She said ''nothing'' but no one believed that. She insisted that she didn't have to do anything and it was just for the experience. She said that she gets off on pleasing people. Johnny asked her if Eric gave her oral. She said he didn't but Eric said that he did. Haley said that he did enjoy the northern regions.
Haley said that Eric is over 5 inches and he would have a good sized penis even on a normal sized guy. She was impressed. Howard said he's so tiny that he could fuck her and give her oral at the same time. Haley said that they tried every position but she thinks that it was best when she was on top of him.
Howard asked Eric what he thinks of pussy now that he's gotten some. Eric said he liked it. Artie asked him how it compares to cock. Eric told fat ass to shut up.
Howard asked Eric to tell Haley how he feels about her. Eric said he's not going there. He said that it's not for public. Howard asked Haley if she would like to hear it. She said that she wasn't the only one she was with. Haley said that she wasn't the only one who violated Eric.
Eric said that he hates questions that put him on the spot. Howard said that Eric has entered manhood now thanks to Haley. Howard said that Eric is going to want this all the time and he's not sure Dennis Hof is going to put up with that. Haley made it sound like they were going to keep letting Eric get it for free but Howard figured they would have to start charging.
Howard asked Haley how many other guys she's done since Eric. She said it was none. She said she's done about 7 this month so far this month though. Howard asked her how she got in the business. Haley said that she has a college degree but she wanted to get paid doing what she loves. Artie asked her if her major was in blowing midgets.
Howard asked her what college she went to. She said that she went to the University of Arkansas. Howard told her she was a sweet girl and he thinks that Eric loves her. Howard asked her if she has ever rejected a client. Haley said that she has and she will pass on people who they don't want to do.
Artie told Haley that she should get a bunch of other chicks and pass Eric around like the Harlem Globetrotters do with a basketball.
Howard asked Haley how much she weights. She said that she's 105 pounds. Howard said that she was able to lift an 80 pound guy and she's only 105 pounds. Howard said he's happy for Eric and he's very lucky to have had a girl like that.
Eric said that he's supposed to be going back up there for Dennis Hof's birthday next weekend. Haley was inviting all of the guys out there to visit. Artie was wondering if he should do the same chick that Eric the Midget did. Howard asked Eric if he would mind it if Artie did her. Eric said he didn't know.
Howard congratulated Eric on becoming a man. Eric said that he's got a little bit of confidence now. Johnny said that he's been acting like a prick all day. Howard congratulated him again and thanked them for calling in. Eric had more to say so he tried to get in some plugs for some stuff but Artie just talked over him and thanked him for calling in.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked Artie if Eric has a better sex life than him now. Artie said he might because they're not even charging Eric.
A caller said that he was going to vomit just thinking about Eric having sex. Howard said that Eric is having a tough life and he's happy for him. He said that there's something wrong with you if you're jealous of Eric. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her new update. Lisa congratulated Howard on his marriage. Howard said that Lisa was invited over to see Beth getting dressed at their apartment. Howard asked Lisa how she felt. Lisa said that she thought that Howard was going to rip off that dress and have sex with her when she saw it. She said that the pictures don't do the dress justice. Lisa said that it's even nicer in person than it is in the pictures. Howard said it did look good as they were showing some shots on the monitors in the studio. Howard said he's a lucky guy.
Howard said that he and Beth had sex the morning of the wedding but not the night of the wedding. He said that they've been consummating their marriage for the past 8 years. Howard said that Beth has also been worn out a lot from running lately so he can't move her around a lot, kind of like Sal's wife.
Artie said that the message Howard left him the next day was the most hung over sounding that he's ever heard. Howard said he was really worn out the day after that wedding. He said that he was out until 1 in the morning and he couldn't sleep after it.
Artie talked about how fun it was to be there and how great it was at Le Cirque. He said it was a legendary wedding at a legendary place.
Howard said that Beth blew everyone away with that dress she had. Howard mentioned that she was at a Madonna movie last night and she was home by 9:30. Howard said he knew that the movie was going to be bad. Beth didn't seem to like it from the noises she was making. He didn't get to talk to her about it though.
Lisa said that she saw Jim Florentine at the Friar's Club so she got to speak to him. She said that he's supposed to be back on the show in November. She said Jim told her that he's not dating anyone but he did hear about Robin dating someone 25 years old.
Lisa said they have an interview with the late Lonnie Heckman's mother about Natalie Maines performing her son's song. Lisa said that it was Lonnie's dream to have the song played at the wedding.
Lisa said she spoke to Jillian Barberie about her panned performance of Landslide at the wedding. Jillian said she just went for it and had a good time doing it even if it wasn't that great.
Howard said that he saw that Ringo Starr went on his web site and posted something about how he's fed up with people asking him to sign stuff so he's not going to sign anything else. Howard wondered what the guy is doing that's making him so busy. He said that Ringo should have just not signed shit and not recorded this message. Howard played the audio of this announcement that Ringo made. Ringo asked people not to send fan mail to him after the 20th of October. He asked for no more fan mail or any objects to be signed.
Howard said he's basically saying that he's going to throw out all of his mail that he gets after the 20th. Howard said that maybe he's getting no letters and he's doing this to get some attention.
Howard played the Letterman clip where Dave was asking Sarah Silverman about going out with Jimmy Kimmel. He was wondering if they were back together again. Sarah told Dave that she could tell him or Dave could ask Jimmy himself. Sarah said that she'll tell Dave the whole story if Barack Obama wins the election.
Howard wondered when Sarah became Jennifer Aniston. He said that Jimmy has told him about what's going on and he thinks that they're embarrassed that they broke up and they don't want it to fail again and then have all of this confusion. Howard said Sarah should just come clean and talk about what the problem was.
Gary said that they have to ask her about what Mike Walker said about her a couple of weeks ago. Gary said that she's coming in today and she's planning a diversion for him if he asks about it. Howard figured she'd be smelling Richard's balls again. Will said that's exactly what she wants to do.
Howard said that she was wasted drunk that night and he had to push away a drink from her. He said she was just about toppling over drunk.
Howard said that lingerie doesn't turn him on. He said that he likes it when Beth wears a dress and he can kind of lift up the dress and do his thing. He said that Beth won't let him do that all the time but when she does, that really turns him on.
Artie was trying to talk to Howard and Bobo was interrupting so Artie ended up yelling ''Bobo, PLEASE!'' Bobo asked if there were any panties on under the dress. Howard said there weren't. He said he was going to stick some toilet paper in the back of her dress before the wedding.
Bobo asked Howard if he sees himself going to the shrink less now that he's married. Howard said he has to keep going. He said he has to admit that he has issues and just go to therapy. Howard said that if you're really unhappy inside then you should go to therapy.
Howard said there isn't a day he doesn't hate walking into that therapist's office. He said that he didn't end up going to the shrink yesterday because it was Columbus Day. He said that he really needed to see him though because his mother basically called him a monster.
Howard said that people think that therapy is supposed to be fun or something but it's not going to be fun. He said that it's something that makes you face your demons and it's tough. Artie is going to therapy now but only 2 times a week. Howard was going 4 times a week at one point but he's down to 3 now.
Howard said he was doing it 4 times a week for a few years. Artie said that the show is like therapy for him. Robin didn't think that was the case. Howard said they're not dealing with real shit in there. Robin said they're not trying to help at all in there.
Bobo asked Howard if he sees himself going to therapy 1 time a week. Howard said he would like to see that but his therapist tells him that it wouldn't do him any good going so few times. He said that he's been going to therapy for like 11 years now.
Artie did an impression of Bobo interrupting Howard in the middle of a sentence. That led to Bobo interrupting again and saying that he has to do that before Howard hangs up on him. Howard said that Bobo has a lot of questions and he's trying to get them all out because he is so afraid that he's going to hang up.
Robin wondered if Artie was really going to therapy. She thought he might be lying about it. Artie joked that he wasn't but then said that he really is. He said that he is on the wagon with everything but the gambling. Artie said that he told his therapist about the gambling and he didn't like hearing that. He said that he hasn't gambled since he went to the shrink the last time. Then the guys reminded him that he did play poker over the weekend. Artie said he forgot about that.
Artie was joking around about how he has to toast Howard with water while Ronnie the Limo Driver is just about fucking a chick out on the dance floor at the wedding.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why they don't have John the Stutterer on more often. He was on doing ''Straight Talk'' last night. Howard said that they should have John in to run a debate or something. That led to Fred doing his impression of John. Howard had some clips from the show that JD had pulled. Howard told JD he may be a mush mouth but he's good at pulling those clips.
Howard played a clip of John the Stutterer talking about the great depression and not stuttering too much. Howard figured he must be reading. JD said that John is getting a lot better and not stuttering so much. Howard told them to get him the fuck off the air if he's not going to stutter. Howard said that he might be getting too much confidence. He said if they take that show away from him, he'll be right back to stuttering.
John the Stutterer took one call from a guy who was goofing on his stutter. John went off on the guy and didn't stutter once. Howard asked what the fuck's going on.
JD said there is one stuttering clip that he pulled. Howard played that one next. In the clip John was talking about defense spending and did stutter a little bit. Howard said that it's like they're making you wait for those stutters.
Fred played a prank call the guys made using John the Stutterer audio clips. They had John yelling at a guy. The guy yelled right back and called John some names before hanging up on him.
Howard sang a song for the girls to kick off the pageant. After the song Howard said that was very professional. He brought in the first pet, from February 2008, who claims to be a lesbian who dates guys occasionally. Her name was Callie Taylor. Howard asked her if that was a goal of hers to be in the magazine. She said it wasn't a goal but she wasn't opposed to it. Callie said she was a dancer at the Penthouse Club and she ended up getting into the final four and she ended up winning in a text message vote.
Howard asked Callie about being into women and why she thinks that is. Callie said she loves women. She said her sisters are into women as well.
Howard got Callie to take her top off. She had no problem doing that for them when Howard asked. She said that her boobs are natural and she has her nipples pierced. Howard asked her when she lost her virginity. She said she was in 8th grade but didn't remember how old she was at the time. She thinks it was 13 or 14.
Callie said that she last made love to a woman 3 months ago. She ended up getting back into men for a while after that. Howard said that Callie had a great ass but she did have a tattoo back there. She claims that she doesn't work out either. Howard asked Callie if she will get into porn. She said she won't.
Howard asked Callie what is the one thing she's kept secret. Callie thought for a minute and said that when she was younger she had a babysitter who was only 2 or 3 years older than she was. Callie said that she lost her virginity to her around the age of 7. She said the other girl was about 10. Callie said that they did everything after starting out kissing. She said that she never did anything to the other girl but the other girl did ''everything'' to her. She said she never really thought of it as being sex back then but she realizes that it was sex now.
Howard asked Callie what she was going to do for her talent portion today. She said she was going to play the violin. She hasn't played since the 11th grade so she's a little rusty. Artie said she's really hot. Callie then played her violin. She said that it's not that long. Howard started laughing within seconds of her playing it. She said that it was ''My Heart Goes On'' from Titanic but it was unrecognizable. Callie tried singing along with the song but it wasn't helping.
Howard thanked Callie for that and told her that she's beautiful. Howard said he hopes they can get her to make out with someone else during the game. She said she's sure she can make that happen.
Howard played the next intro which described this woman as having been in porn for 8 years. It was Penthouse Pet Shawna Lenee. Howard asked Shawna about being in porn and if she thinks that she's being over worked. She said that she's doing okay with it. She said that she has thought about being with Callie so Howard asked her to go over and give her a kiss. She went right over and did it.
Howard read that Shawna is also into chicks so he asked her about that. She said that women are the best. Howard asked her if she wanted to take off her clothes after that. Shawna said that she would and told Howard how great marriage is as she was undressing. She said that she would marry a woman too. Howard asked her to stop talking so much and just undress. She was completely shaved down there and Howard said he likes that.
Shawna said she's going to stay in porn until she's done with college. She has 6 years left of school. Howard played a clip of Shawna in one of her movies. He found out she doesn't do anal scenes but she does interracial porn. She said that she likes watching that kind of porn too.
Will told Howard he has to see her ass. Howard had her spin around for him and checked it out. Howard said that he's sure that Artie is in love.
Howard asked Shawna what she thinks is the most important invention. She said that she thinks that the wireless reading device is the best because they're saving trees. The guys applauded her for that.
Howard asked Shawna to show off her talent which is telling jokes. Shawna told a joke about a wedding and while she was doing it she was playing with her vagina a little bit according to Howard. She said that her hands automatically just go down there. She said she likes to masturbate a lot.
Howard thanked Shawna and moved on to the next contestant. The next one likes to be choked during sex and is bi-sexual. She also has sex with black men and used to do every type of drug she could find. This was Tori Black. Howard said that she gave him a look that made it seem like beauty wasn't so easy. Tori said that people don't take her seriously. She told Howard she was 12 when she started having sex with women and 13 with men.
Tori said that people didn't like her in school because she was having sex. She said that she was the third in her school to have sex as far as she knows. Tori said that she would like to have Scarlett Johansson some day.
Tori said that she went to a slumber party one time and there were 12 of them who got it on after watching Titanic. She said that the song the first girl performed meant a lot to her because that song was from Titanic.
Tori said that two of the girls at their party got really worked up and started kissing and that led to the rest of them getting it on. She said that they were from Seattle so there wasn't much else to do up there.
Tori said that she loves anal sex and said that part of it is that it's taboo. She also said that the G-spot can be connected between the rectum and the vagina. She said that she spends about 5 hours cleaning before she does it though.
Howard told Tori she was a great catch. Howard asked her if she ever has spontaneous anal. She said that she doesn't but there's always a finger up her butt. She said that she'll stick her own finger up her ass to masturbate. She also talked about how she likes to be choked during sex.
Howard had Tori get naked after that. She took her top off and then her bottoms. She had a little bit of hair down there so Howard asked what that was about. She said that she was asked to have some hair up there for a 70's theme movie she did. She said she doesn't like hair down there though.
Tori had to go to boot camp as a kid so she talked about that a little bit. Then Sal came in and asked if he could verify the clean ass by taking a whiff. Howard told him to go for it and Tori said it was fine. Sal went over and smelled and said it smelled like Febreeze down there.
Howard asked Tori to tell them about a recent accomplishment. Tori said that she used to take every drug she could and she has an addiction problem in her family. She said that she has been clean and sober for an entire year now. She said that she doesn't smoke, drink or do any drugs. Her addiction right now is 7-11 Slurpees.
Howard asked Tori what her talent was. She was going to do a redneck impression. She had some other impressions of some MAD TV characters she likes as well. Howard asked her to do the redneck impression. She did one of comedian Bill Engvall. She did one of his bits and had no one laughing. Howard told her she had a great ass after hearing the impression. He joked that he's going to replace Jackie's Joke Hunt with Tori.
Howard said they had one final contestant. They played the next intro for the Pet for June 2008, Daisy Marie. She's also in porn and likes to be tied up. Howard asked her about doing porn movies. Daisy told Howard that she doesn't do black men because she's afraid of their big penises. She used to do interracial stuff but she would be out of work the next day because it hurt so much.
Daisy took her top off and showed the guys her new implants. She went from a B-cup to a D. Howard asked her about working with Callie in a layout. She said that they did that and made out with her a little bit for Howard.
Howard asked Daisy about McCain's bail out plan compared to Obama's. She was about to answer but Howard said he was just kidding.
Howard asked Daisy when she was last tied up. She said that it wasn't too long ago and she told him about having anal beads put in her. Howard didn't know much about anal beads so he asked her about that. She said that you do it for fun to see how many you can get in there.
Howard asked Daisy what else she likes and she went through a bunch of things where she's restrained that she likes to do. She said that she likes to be submissive and just take it from the guys. Daisy said that she likes to push it and see how far she can go with that kind of stuff. Howard said that these girls are very free and explore all kinds of stuff in their sex lives.
Howard said that Daisy was telling Gary that she's amazed at how many Jews she sees in New York when she does. She said that she sees the guys with the beards and hats walking around.
Howard asked Daisy to get naked and Will pointed out that she has a giant person on her back. She said it's a cherub that watches her back. Howard asked if they have to cover that up in the porn movies. She said that she has actually had a bunch removed to clean up her look a little bit. She said she went through a lot of laser surgery to get rid of them.
Howard asked Daisy about being with girls and she said she was with one at 13 and lost her virginity to a guy at 15.
Howard asked Daisy what the one thing is that she wishes she could change about herself. Daisy said there isn't much because she has changed so much in the past 2 years. She said she really doesn't know. Then she said that she would go back to school and finish up whatever it was she wanted to do with her life.
Howard asked her what talent she was going to show off today. Daisy said that she was going to sing. She said she's not much of a singer though. They played some music for her and she sang some Spanish song. Howard sang along with her a little bit. Howard said that Daisy was cute and seemed to like her song. Howard siad that was some singing right htere. Then he siad he didn't hear one note while he was watching her dance.
Howard said that Daisy should dance at strip clubs. SHe adi that she has feature danced at clubs but she doesn't right now.
Howard isad it was time to decide the winner. He said that they were all beautiful and all had great personalities. Howard said there was a $5,000 prize on teh line adn it's being brought tp them by Howard TV. He aksed Robin to vote first. Robin said it was a very tough decision. She said that they were all great and very fun to talk to. Robin picked Callie Taylor as her winner.
Howard asked Fred for his vote. Fred said he thoguht that Callie was going to take the votes but then he liked Daisy talking about being ''suspended and fucked'' and had to pick Daisy Marie. Benjy was up next. He said that he was blown away by Tori's looks but he had to give his vote to Daisy.
Howard had Artie give his vote. ARtie said that several of the girls could be comedians. He said that he had to pick the one with the talen portion that made him laugh the most adn that would be Callie's violin playhing.
Howard said that he was going to vote for one of the other girls but he had to break the tie between Callie and Daisy. Howard said that none of them are losers with those faces they have. Howard sadi he was very impressed with Callie's violin playing. He said that Daisy is also a remarkable beauty. He sadi the singing really got to him and he's drawn to both girls. He said he had to pick Daisy though. Howard said the singing really got to him so he had to pick her.
Daisy made a nice speech to the guys and said that they're going to party tonight. Howard had the girls all make out after that. Howard said they all do seem to love each other. Howard siad he could watch that all day.
Howard let hte girls get in plugs for thier various web sites including:
Howard came back and said that Sarah Silverman was coming in. He got in a plug for a special Penthouse magazine that's coming out. Sarah came in and sat down and Robin said she smelled great today. Howard said that she wasn't dressed as hot as she was on Letterman last night.
Howard told Sarah that Ralph had her on his hottest chicks at the wedding list. Sarah sounded happy about that. Robin said that she's like a cover girl now.
Howard said that Sarah had her breasts on display at the wedding. Sarah said that if you make it a treat, it's nice. That's the way she looks at it.
Howard said that Sarah usually dresses like Ellen Degeneres and hides her beauty. Sarah said she dresses comfortably.
Howard said that he saw her on Letterman and thought she was dressed hot there. Sarah said she heard his comments about her this morning about her being like Jennifer Aniston. She said that she thought Howard loved her because that's what he told her at the wedding.
Howard said that he would love to see Sarah and Jimmy married. Sarah said that she smiles when she thinks about Howard and Beth together... but mostly Beth.
Howard said he liked when Sarah and Jimmy were together at the wedding. Sarah said she had to do a show after the wedding and Jimmy insisted on being there with her. Howard said that it was weird that they broke up and now Jimmy won't leave her side again. Howard said he doesn't get why they're acting like they're not back together.
Sarah said that she went on Letterman last night to promote her Comedy Central show and she didn't know that he was going to pound her with the questions about her relationship. Sarah said you have to be funny on the show and that's all she wanted to do.
Howard asked Sarah if it's that hard for her to talk seriously. Sarah said that no one knows what happened. Howard said that she doesn't know that he doesn't know. Sarah said that they don't know and she knows that. She said they're seeing what happens now and they don't want to be breaking up and getting back all the time.
Howard said that they seem to have some kind of game plan though. He said he likes that. Howard said that it's so comforting to him to know that they're back together. Sarah said that they don't know what happened behind closed doors. She said that it's weird to have people walking down the street and cheering when they see them back together.
Howard said he thinks that this is elevating her career. Sarah said that it's crazy. She told Howard that there was a lot of stuff written about them and Mike Walker even said that she was on the web looking at fat guys and that's why they broke up. Sarah said that's the funniest things she's heard. She said that she's not into fat guys and she wouldn't feel that bad if Jimmy lost a few ''Lbs.''
Howard tried to figure out what it was that caused the break up. He said that he thinks that Jimmy found out some stuff about her and she got upset about it and broke up. Sarah said that she's not going to play 20 questions and that wasn't it. She said that the story that Mike Walker told is so completely made up. She said that she knows that it's a lie but then she'll turn the page and see a story about Nicole Richie and believe it. Howard said he didn't believe that story about Sarah.
Howard said he had a theory about Sarah and Jimmy but Sarah told him to stop because she's not going to talk about it. Howard said that he's just glad they're together. He's glad that she didn't play games with Jimmy and make him not go to the wedding or things like that. Howard said that he's glad that they weren't shitty to one of them when they broke up.
Howard said that he gets why she doesn't want to talk about what caused the break up. He said that they want to see if they can work it out.
Sarah said that they write this crappy shit about them in the paper and she sees that Robert Schimmel's daughter was writing some of it. Howard said he was going to ask about that. Sarah said she doesn't get why she would write for that paper. Howard said that they're actually the highest paid reporters. Sarah said that she can't believe that Jessica would write about comedians, especially when her father is a comedian. Sarah said it was like having her own daughter write something shitty about her.
Howard asked Sarah about the Video Music Awards and the jokes she told about Britney Spears. Sarah said that she doesn't know her and she didn't know that she was a sick human being. Sarah said that she tried to find out why Jessica Schimmel wrote that article about her and she heard that Jessica denied it and said someone else used her name on the article.
Howard asked what it was that she wrote that was so offensive. Sarah said that she couldn't remember what it was but it may have been something about drinking to get over his woes. Howard asked Sarah if she called Jessica herself. Sarah said that she has people to do that kind of stuff for her.
Robin said that she loves Sarah's show and she's always quoting it to people. Sarah seemed to like hearing that.
Howard asked Sarah about the kind of money Comedy Central is paying her. She said that she doesn't make a lot doing that show like she does on the road but she thinks that it helps her make money out on the road. Sarah said she can make more in 5 days on the road as she can working 7 months on that TV show.
Howard said that he gets very needy when Beth isn't around and he wonders if Jimmy is like that with her. Howard said he's very self centered and he has to go to therapy to try and get over that. Sarah said that's great that he realizes that and he's getting help for it. She said that some people don't realize that and lie to themselves in therapy.
Howard said that he's not even sure why Beth is into this relationship. Howard said he really loves her and he has to value her as a human being. Those are the kinds of things that he's working on.
Sarah said that she had to talk about the wedding. Sarah talked about how she doesn't like to be around drunk people and she has to leave when people get so drunk. She said that she doesn't mind people who are stoned. They talked about Jillian Barberie's performance there with Natalie Maines. Sarah said that Natalie is such a great singer and it was just horrible that Jillian went up and sang the song.
Howard said that Sarah came up to him and said ''What the fuck was that?'' Sarah said that she didn't say that, she just said ''Oh my god!'' when she squeezed Howard's hand.
Howard said that he heard that Al Rosenberg was talking during the vow reading and Sarah had to ask him to shut up. Sarah said that she didn't know who Al was to Howard but it was a big deal for Howard and Beth to be reading their vows to each other and this guy is talking. She said that everyone should have just shut the fuck up. She said that Al was schmoozing and talking about shit with other people. She said it wasn't important and he was just talking to people like there was nothing going on. She said she was disgusted by it.
Sarah said that he didn't shut up after that and just kept talking and talking through the whole wedding. Sarah said that she hopes he hears this today and knows what he did. Howard asked her what's lower, Al talking at the wedding or Jessica Schimmel? Sarah said that Jessica has to find something else to do with her life and hopes that she gets out of that line of work. Howard said that he didn't remember inviting Al to the wedding. Howard said that he's actually a great guy.
Sarah talked about how crazy the wedding was and how Jillian not giving the microphone to Natalie Maines was insane. Howard said that he figured that Jillian was going to read the crowd and realize that she should stop singing.
Ralph called in and said that Jillian and Natalie planned that whole thing out and it wasn't like Jillian just jumped in. Gary said that was true and he thinks that Natalie didn't want to sing. Sarah said that maybe it was the alcohol.
Ralph said that Sarah was so hot at the wedding. He said that her skin is perfect. He said it's very nice. Ralph said that it is kind of special when she shows off her body once in a while instead of doing it all the time.
Ralph wanted Sarah to talk more about her relationship with Jimmy but she said that she had said a lot already. Howard said that she really didn't.
Sarah said that she had some great people at her table at the wedding. She had Mary McCormack, Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos, Chevy Chase, Jaynie Chase at her table. Howard asked her how Chevy was with his toast. Sarah said that she had a lot of respect for him when he was sitting there. Sarah said that Chevy told her that he wanted to pee on her. She said that he said it kind of looking at Mary and she thought he was talking to her.
Howard said that Sarah talked about smoking weed when she was on The View recently. Sarah said that Barbara Walters comes off kind of cool when she lets her talk about that.
Howard thought that Sarah didn't like smoking weed and liked eating brownies with the pot in them. Sarah said she does that when she's traveling. She only likes to take a puff or two. She said that she asked Barbara if she wanted to come out and smoke weed with her at the wedding. She said that Barbara grabbed her hand and said ''Your mother and I are so proud...''
Dominic Barbara called in and asked why he invited Chevy Chase to the wedding. He was offended by what he just heard. Howard said that he was fine. He said that Dominic's speeches are more ridiculous than anything Chevy Chase said.
Howard said he was fine with Chevy and wasn't offended by what he said. Dominic asked if it was okay to say he wanted to pee on Sarah. Howard said that he wants to pee on Sarah too. Sarah gave him an ''Awww'' when she heard that.
Howard said that Chevy was wishing him well on his marriage and he invited him to the wedding. He said he felt good about doing that too.
Howard said he didn't know that Sarah had a brother that died. Sarah asked where he heard that. Howard said it was written somewhere. Sarah said that her parents did have a son before her sisters. She said that her mom was on the game show ''Concentration'' many years ago and she won a ton of stuff. They ended up selling a bunch of it but kept a trip to the Bahamas. She said that her grandparents were going to watch the baby who was only 3 months old. She said that her grandmother was on the phone and the baby had gotten his head stuck in the bars and got strangled.
Sarah said that they called her parents back and let them know what was going on. Sarah said that she can't imagine how devastating it was. She said that their friends removed any sign of the baby before they got home.
Sarah said that she used to swear when she was a little girl and she would get huge laughs. She knew that she could get huge laughs from that. Sarah said that her Nana would pick her up and put her in the car. She said that when she was 5 or so she had just heard the story about her brother. She said that her grandmother asked her to put on her seat belt and she blurted out ''Yeah, you wouldn't want me to end up like Jeffrey'' thinking that she was going to get a huge laugh. Instead she got her grandmother to sob. Sarah said that was the first time she bombed.
Howard said he would have laughed if he was in the car at the time. Howard asked if she went and told her parents about what she said. Sarah said that she probably did.
Howard asked Sarah about going to therapy when she was a kid. She said that she went to a shrink who prescribed Xanax to her.
Howard asked Sarah about her TV show and some of the subjects they're covering on that. She said that they're covering bed wetting since Sarah was a bed wetter. She also gets high in one episode and pees in a Pringles can. She said that she really did that when she was high one time. Sarah said that she put it under her sweatshirt and did it while she was hanging out with her friend Steve. She said that it was so dumb but they were crying laughing.
Sarah said that Steve is her best friend and he's not into her. Howard said that she doesn't understand and he's probably in love with her. Howard said he thinks it's hot that she's a bed wetter. She said that she hasn't done it in a long time but when she was let go from SNL she did it with 3 guys in a short period of time.
Howard asked Sarah if she pretends that nothing happened. She said that you have to tell them right away or you never will. She said that her mom would just wash the sheets and not say anything to her. She said that she would just make her bed and leave it like that after wetting the bed. She said that it was like torture for her.
Sarah said that her dad wet the bed and his dad did too. Sarah said that she has wet the bed with Jimmy too but she woke up and it was only a little bit. Sarah said that Jimmy wet the bed one time too and she thought it was funny.
Sarah told Howard a bed wetting story about this guy she slept with who is just a friend of hers. She said that she slept over because he didn't have anyone there and she ended up peeing in his bed. She woke up and told him what was happening and he just told her to put down a towel like it was something that happened all the time. Howard told her that sleeping with a guy and not letting him fuck her is like torture to the guy. She said he's not like that, he's really like her brother.
Howard gave Sarah some plugs for her TV show that airs on Comedy Central on Thursday nights at 10:30. Howard said that she appears nude in one of the episodes. She said that it's full frontal and full backle. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. He said he didn't realize that Steve gets calls from Sour Shoes about 100 times a day. Steve said that he has work to do back there and he has had about 300 calls from the guy. Howard said that they have tape of Steve answering the guy. Steve said he can't get work done with him calling so many times.
Howard played the montage of calls that Sour Shoes has done over the past 2 years or so. Steve said that some would call it harassment and maybe against the law. Howard said that's the classic mistake to make, getting upset about prank calls. In the calls Sour Shoes is singing songs about Langford's huge cock. Steve listens for a second and then hangs up.
Howard said that Sour Shoes can be really annoying doing this stuff. He said that he used to follow him around all the time on the street so he had to pull him aside and ask him to stop.
Howard played more of Sour Shoes' calls and he'll leave a message for Steve saying ''I'm busy right now, I'll call you back.'' Howard said that it's really annoying with Sour Shoes making those odd sounds in the background. Steve asked Sour Shoes to put his parents on the line so he could talk to them. Then he hangs up on Steve and calls back as his dad Frank. Steve then tells the guy that his son is making phone calls to people. Steve said that there have been about 300 in the past couple of weeks. He asks him not to call anymore and Shoes just calls right back and sings about his monster fat penis. Langford tells Sour Shoes that he wants him to go to jail over this. Sour Shoes just keeps singing.
Howard told Steve that he can't lecture the guy. Steve said he can't get any work done. Howard asked Sour Shoes to stop calling. Gary then came in and said that this is actually Richard and Sal calling Steve with clips of Sour Shoes on top of Sour Shoes making the calls.
Sal came in and said that he and Richard would get Sour Shoes on the phone and have him prank Steve. Then they just had Sour Shoes record a bunch of stuff and cut it up so they can prank call him. High Pitch Mike came in and said that he's seen Steve throwing the phone on the floor from this.
Sal said that Mike was there spy who would call them and let them know when Steve was at his desk. Howard told Steve to never lecture the prank callers.
Howard said he heard that Jason and Will are upset with Steve for killing a Page 69 story. Steve said he never kills stories. Will came in and said that they had a story about Scott DePace and Steve went to DePace and asked him about this story that they were going to do. Will said that DePace denied the details but that was in the back office and they should be doing it on the air.
Steve said that he went to Brad, the News Director, and told him he had to ask Scott his side of the story. He said that Scott's story was the opposite of what the Page 69 story was. Will said that it would have been fun to have that conversation on the air, not in the back office. Howard cut them off and had Steve get to his news preview.
Steve said that they asked the reporter about the story and he declined to comment. Howard said that they didn't interview anyone there on the show and things haven't changed on the show over the years. He said that they were never known for having A-list celebrities on the show, they just get them once in a while.
Howard said that saying that they don't get any A-list guests is ridiculous. Howard said that it is a weird agenda to put it on the front page. He thinks that they're scaring the NAB and they're getting to be too powerful with their 18 million subscribers. Howard said that they don't mention that they have more subscribers than even the Tonight Show has viewers.
Steve said that the paper isn't what it used to be and he's trying to find out what the story is behind all of this.
Steve said they have yet another bar owner claiming that Janks didn't follow through on an appearance he made. He allegedly walked out in the middle of his appearance.
Ralph said that they should sue the L.A. Times for that story they wrote. He said that they do have A-list celebrities and they usually slow down the show anyway so it's not that big of a deal. Howard said that when they have guests on the show, they end up being the number one google searches for that day.
Howard said that people are influenced by articles like that. Howard said that the paper is owned by the same company that owns WGN in Chicago. Howard said that people have always tried to do this kind of thing to him during his whole career. He said that they would write article after article about how his career was going to end and it just doesn't happen. They want him to fall flat on his face.
Howard said that the Tribune company is trying to buy 50 radio stations right now. They don't want satellite radio to succeed and this is the way they're trying to crush it. He said that there's an obvious agenda there.
Howard said that there could be someone out there who is going to refuse to work with him because of that article.
Steve said that the article claims that Howard may surrender and go back to terrestrial radio, just like the article did 2 years ago. Howard said that he's not going back to terrestrial radio, ever. He said that he's sitting on some stories to confirm what Steve just said about him being only into satellite radio and not terrestrial radio. He said that he has to keep them confidential though.
Steve said that they have a picture of the paper from yesterday and there are a million people who read that paper. Howard said that's why every media outlet is covering his wedding, because he's not influential. Howard said that this just makes him want to fight even harder.
Steve said that this date in 1993 was a legendary book signing for Howard's ''Private Parts.'' He got in a couple of plugs for Riley Martin and Jackie the Joke Man's shows.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of stuff they were going to try and cover today.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Beth's pictures on his web site and thought she looked stunning. He was also telling him not to worry about what those people on SFN are saying about him, that's just a small portion of his audience. The caller was also suggesting that they use Howard 102 (Howard's unused channel) to play the Sour Shoes calling Steve Langford stuff over and over again. Howard ended up playing some of that after the call. Artie and the guys were laughing pretty hard at those calls. Artie was laughing his ass off whenever Sour Shoes would go ''OOOoooOOO.'' He said that's a great rebuttal to have when you're on the phone with a lawyer or something.
Robin read a story about a new law in Nebraska where they say that any child up to the age of 18 can be dropped at a hospital without being prosecuted. People have been dropping off 13 and 14 year olds.
Robin said that Maureen McCormick has written about her life in a new book and claims that she would have sex in exchange for drugs. Howard said it is fascinating that she did that when she was so hot. She's not so hot now that she's 50 years old. Howard said that she claims to have gone on a date with Steve Martin at one point. Howard said it's kind of hot that she was so troubled. Robin said it's sad so Howard changed his ''hot'' to ''sad.'' Howard said he wonders if she ever blew Sammy Davis Jr.
Robin read a story about how alcohol can definitely reduce brain function. While she was reading that Fred was playing Riley Martin audio clips where he's mumbling and saying ''Huh?'' and ''How 'd' do?'' They say that 14 drinks a week can be too much. Howard said that didn't sound like that much. Artie said that was nothing.
Robin said there's a new study that says smart men may have stronger sperm. She said they found that less smart men may have more sickly sperm.
Robin said there's a guy predicting that there will be a massive space ship parked over Alabama today. She had some news about Lisa Marie Presley's new kids. There's a woman coming out and claiming she's a half sister of Lisa Marie's.
Robin had a story about a 600 pound man who had to be removed from his trailer when fire fighters weren't able to get him out the front door. They had to cut a hole in the side of his trailer.
Howard said that Bob Levy sent a check to Beth for the wedding that was $500. Howard said that he didn't think Bob had that much money. He said Beth was wondering if she should rip it up. Howard said he told her that might be kind of insulting. Artie told them that if they don't have a tennis ball they could probably use Bob's check to play.
Artie asked if they got the clips of Levy reading his book. Howard said that he didn't think they did but he wants to hear the outtake's.
Robin read a story about the next Iron Man movie and how Terrence Howard won't be returning for the second movie. Robin said that he's being replaced by Don Cheedle. Artie said that he was good in the movie and they set him up for the part to be his best friend. Howard figured the guy just demanded too much money. Artie said that a movie like that is like an offer from the Mafia, you just accept the first offer.
Howard said he got the Blu-Ray edition of The Godfather trilogy and watched number 2. That led to Artie reciting some of the lines from the movie.
Robin said that Jennifer Aniston may be back together with John Mayer. She said that the Dow soared yesterday after dropping a ton last week. They had to take a break around 10:40am.
After the break Robin got back to her news and read some stuff about Barack Obama going up in the polls. Howard said that he thinks that Palin is what nailed McCain. He said it was that and the economy taking a nose dive.
Robin said that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are endorsing Barack Obama. Howard said that's because Justin loves black people.
Robin said that Barack Obama is promising new tax credit checks for the country to stimulate the economy. She wanted Howard to play some audio of that but he didn't have the clip there. She had him play some other stuff instead. She had some John McCain audio where he's talking about buying up bad mortgages to keep the economy going strong. She had some audio of Sarah Palin getting cheered on as she was giving a speech and seeming to think she was being protested.
Robin brought up the story about Ringo Starr refusing to sign anything for fans after the 20th of this month. They spent a minute on that.
Robin said that Simon Cowell is making about $36 million a year from FOX alone. Howard said that he saw that the Emmys are going to have a new category for Best Reality Show Judge. Howard said that TV has really gone down hill.
Howard played the Ringo Star audio clip where he tells his fans that he's not going to sign anything after the 20th. Howard said that he should do that himself. Ringo was saying ''Peace and love'' over and over in the clip but Howard said that didn't sound so peaceful or loving to him.
Robin said that Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are making some very good money on American Idol as well but not as much as Simon Cowell.
Howard and Artie were goofing on Jackie and how he could pull that Ringo thing and refuse to sign any of his Jokeland stuff. They were mentioning a bunch of the goofy items that Jackie sells as stuff he would refuse to sign. Artie said he wishes that he could have the thing that Jackie has that allows him not to care that he has an album out called ''Hot Dogs And Donuts'' with that goofy look on his face.
Robin said that the Dalai Lama had to go in for surgery. She read through that story and then Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone doing his Mark Knopfler impression. Howard did his Steve Langford impression and tried to get ''Sour'' to put his dad on the phone. Howard said that he can't imagine sitting through that and then asking for his father to be put on the line. Artie said that his father would probably want him to be sent off to jail too.
Robin read a story about a former baseball player who died of cancer at the age of 39. She also had a story about a 19 year old who collapsed during a hockey game and died. Robin had a story about Barbara Walters getting an award from Disney.
Robin read a story about Dancing with the Stars and how one of the contestants was injured so Rocco doesn't have to leave. She had some audio from the show and Howard said he can't even believe that he watched that show. Robin had some audio of Ashton Kutcher talking about his new game show. Howard let a few seconds of that play before he ended the show around 11:05am.
Jon said that you'd think that she'd talk about that stuff on Howard's show because she is so close to him. If you're going to hear it anywhere, this is the show where it would happen.
Gary said he really likes her on the show and he almost started crying when he heard the story about her brother. Will said that she has spoken about the story before somewhere because he did find the story in a British newspaper. Gary said that it was a very sad story.
Jon said that the intrigue is there when you hear her telling those stories. Gary said that Bobcat Golthwait used to come on the show and do that character he always did until they had him on to argue with a reporter. Then he became ''Bob'' and he liked to hear the real guy.
Jon played a clip of Sarah Silverman talking about going on Letterman and why she didn't talk about her relationship with Jimmy Kimmel.
Gary said that he thinks Sarah is highly sensitive right now and that's what's going on there. Jon asked Gary what he thought about the Jillian Barberie singing discussion. Gary said that everyone seemed to be shocked by that performance.
Benjy said that it was Natalie that called Jillian up to sing with her. Jon said that maybe she should have just sang a verse and then let Natalie take over. Gary said that's what usually happens. He compared that to what Teri Hatcher did recently with another singer. He said she just stayed up on stage and kept singing.
Gary said that he's not sure if Jillian got a hold of Natalie or if Natalie got her to sing. He said it was obvious that Natalie wasn't surprised. Gary said he wants to talk to Natalie and ask her what really happened.
Benjy said that Natalie was calling for Jillian but Mike Gange started to get up and sing with her. He said that Natalie turned him down though. The guys weren't sure if Benjy was joking about that or not.
Jon brought up the Chevy Chase thing that came up during Sarah's interview and how he told her he wanted to pee on her. The guys talked about how that was a little odd but they think he was just joking around.
The guys also talked about the Jessica Schimmel article that came up with Sarah. Benjy said they should get a hold of that article to find out what she said that upset Sarah so much.
A caller told the guys he doesn't think that Sarah is that hot and not very funny. He also said that he thinks that Eric the Midget getting laid was a bunch of shit and they were just punking them. He said that he loved that Sour Shoes prank call stuff to Steve Langford. The guy was also telling them how great the show is.
Gary said that he thinks Sarah is pretty and he finds her funny. He said it's a different kind of comedy though. Benjy asked him if he had any theories on why they broke up. Gary said he really doesn't. Benjy said that it sounds like there is something going on there like there was one incident. The guys don't know what that was though.
Mike Gange called in and said that Natalie was looking for Jillian and he was just joking around about going up to sing with Natalie. Gange said that he and Benjy were both trying to pick up Natalie and they didn't know that she's married. Gary said that she's very friendly and he can see why they would think they could pick her up. The guys told Gange that her husband is on Heroes.
Ralph called in and said that he wanted to clarify some stuff. He said that they were all joking around and stuff and Natalie did ask Jillian to come up and sing with her. He said that they're making too big of a deal out of it and she was just a drunk chick singing at the wedding.
Gary said that if Chevy Chase went up and started to harmonize with Billy Joel, he would have been pissed. Ralph said he wouldn't because he loves Chevy. Ralph thought that Jillian wasn't that bad of a singer. He said that may be because he was drunk though.
Will told Ralph that his hot chick list was very political and he's just putting people on the top of the list to keep in their good graces. Ralph asked Will who was the hottest chick there for him then. Will said that Melania Trump was very hot but Ralph told him she looks like a tranny to him.
Gary said that Sam Simon's girlfriend was very cute but once she got out on the dance floor she turned hot. He said she was like a 10 once she went out and danced.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he doesn't get why they're getting so upset about Jillian singing that song ''Landslide'' because the song is about a marriage falling apart. Gary said they always play goofy songs like that at a wedding. Gary said it's not about the content of the song, it's about people singing.
The caller said that he thinks that Sarah's appearance today was great but she's got to know that those things are going to come up in interviews. He said he wished that she had opened up and told us what happened.
Jon asked Sal and Richard if they're afraid that Steve is going to get back at them. Sal said that they were kind of afraid of pissing him off. Richard said that they thought he would appreciate their prank calls because he's liked their other stuff.
Gary said that Sal and Richard have been working on this stuff for the past 2 years and they were keeping it secret so much that they wrote ''Super Secret prank call'' on the CD they gave him to listen to.
Richard said that they would let Sour Shoes stay on the phone for like an hour while they went out to lunch to eat. He said that they'd take that stuff and chop it up. Richard said they used to do a 3 way call but that was too hard so that's why they just did it that way.
Gary said that he would like to hear the uncut version of the hour long call. Sal and Richard said they have that uncut stuff. Sal said that he'll stay on hold for an hour and a half just playing song after song.
Richard said that they have new phones where they can forward calls right to voice mail so they don't have to listen to all of that stuff.
Shuli said that he was in charge of recording the stuff that Steve was doing after the prank calls. He said that the stopped recording him after he threw the phone down because he was afraid he was going to take it out on him.
Sal said that Steve came into their office a couple of times and they had to pretend that they were doing other things so he wouldn't know it was them. Richard said that Steve thought he had investigated them and figured out it wasn't them. Sal said that they've actually been working on these calls for the past 2 months or so.
Sal was also talking about how he got to talk to Howard off the air yesterday and he was glad he got to do that. Sal said that he's going to donate some money to Beth's charity even though he didn't get to go to the wedding. He said that he wasn't sure if he should but he decided that he will.
A caller asked Gary if there's any guest whose ass he won't kiss. Gary said that he has talked about guests that he doesn't like. The caller didn't remember hearing any of that. The guy said that she had nothing new to say today.
Gary said that Sarah had plenty new to say today and he's not the only one saying that she was good today. The caller said that he found it really boring today. The guy said that she's on too much and some of the other guests are on too often too. He said that they're not all that great and he thinks that Bob Levy is way funnier than Artie is. He also asked for the Howard TV guys to bring back the Artemis Pyle interview. Jon had to go to break after that.
Richard said that he knows Natalie Maines' husband but not from Heroes, but from an old horror movie from the 1980s. He said he was hoping he would be there so he could tell him how much he liked the movie.
Jon asked Will what he thought about the Penthouse Pet Pageant. Will said that they all delivered because they were all hot and all of their talents were horrible.
Gary said that he heard the one girl singing a horrible song. That led to them talking about the redneck impression that Tori was doing. Benjy said he thought Tori was the hottest but he did like the last one.
Jon asked how long you could take it before you give up. Gary said that it's always worth taking it because their talents are so bad that they make for great radio.
A caller asked why they didn't get any of them on the Sybian. Gary said they were running late and had Sarah waiting to come on. They were pretty much done with them by that point anyway.
The caller told Gary he saw his Man Caves episode and thought it was great. Gary said that he kind of screamed like a chick when the football player came in to meet him.
Will talked about the Penthouse chicks and how they were all hot and all into chicks so it was great. Richard said that he had to hear from Sal how great that chick's ass smelled. Sal said you could eat your breakfast off of that asshole because it was so clean.
Will said that Sal is weird with the smelling thing. He said that he likes to smell the Sybian attachments after they've been used. Sal said that he thinks that if a hot chick smells good down there then it shows she's into cock. The guys didn't get that so they asked Sal to explain. Sal said that chicks will be clean down there if they're serious about wanting to be with guys. He said that's what he'll do if he thinks something is going to happen with a chick. He said he'll clean his cock if he thinks a chick is going to do something with him. Sal said that when that chick said that she had a clean asshole he had to check it out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Sal and Richard are ripping off a Touch Tone Terrorists call in one of the calls they played today. He said that they're ripping off the Jerky Boys and the Touch Tone Terrorists. Sal said of course they're going to have similarities in their calls.
Sal said he's a huge Jerky Boys fan but he's not familiar with the call the guy is talking about. Sal said that they were also just dicking around with the chick who made the call to them that day. They weren't ripping off anyone. Sal told the guy he's sorry he doesn't like it but he can't change anything.
Sal was asked by a caller if he's ever going to just give up on his wife and move on. Sal said that things are going well between them right now and he's glad he made the choice he made to stay with her. He said that he may have betrayed her before she betrayed him so he has to accept that.
Jon asked the guys what they thought about Gary's roast at the Friar's Club. Sal said that he helped out Don Buchwald and it seems to have worked out for him. They talked about some of the comedians who were there and how Sal and Benjy helped Gary out with the jokes he used.
Richard was talking about his new Robin song parody and how he tied that into Halloween like he did last year with another song. He was wearing a haunted house t-shirt today so Jon asked him about that. Richard said he collects those when he goes out to different haunted houses.
JD was saying that he was goofing on Ronnie about the shirt he was wearing yesterday and Ronnie hates that. He's fine with other people doing it but not him. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he was ready to hang himself when his alarm went off this morning. He went on to say that the Sour Shoes prank call they played yesterday was such a hit that people are asking to hear it again today. Howard said that Sal and Richard did this call over the course of two years. He said that Sal and Richard talked about it on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and he learned more about it.
Howard replayed the audio of those calls that Sal and Richard made to Langford using the Sour Shoes audio clips.
After playing the clips Howard said that he's glad that this master plan of Sal and Richard's is over. He said he really needs Steve working because he's such a pit bull. Artie said that Steve really was mad yesterday. He didn't find it funny at all. Howard said that Steve tried to laugh along with it but he looked like Nixon trying to laugh. Artie said that Steve thinks that the rules don't apply to him and he thinks that he can't be fucked with.
Howard said that Steve is trying to cover a story about this article that was written about him this week where they claim that he's lost his influence. Howard said that Steve is looking into it to see if there's some kind of agenda behind it or something.
Artie said that Howard still has influence because he's already gotten a second book deal based on his first book selling so well and it's not even released yet.
Howard said that Steve looked into this story and asked how it's news that Howard Stern isn't influential anymore when he really is still doing very well. He said that this is probably the biggest accomplishment of his career moving to satellite.
Howard said the article says that he doesn't have any mojo going for him and people are going to read that out in Los Angles and maybe think that it's not worth booking guests on the show. He said he thinks that the reason this came up is because of the SIRIUS/XM merger and the fact that they're making him available on both XM and SIRIUS now.
Howard said that there is a lot of potential agenda there with the company that puts that paper out because he's heard they're trying to buy 50 radio stations. He said that of course they want him to fail because they have to compete against them now. Howard said he can make the argument that they've more relevant than they've ever been.
Robin said that they can prove how hot Howard is by looking at what has happened to SIRIUS and their old radio station since he left. She said that SIRIUS has merged with XM and the old radio station is struggling.
Howard said that this will never be corrected and the only person pushing this whole thing is Steve Langford. Howard said this is where Steve really shines. Howard told him to find out what happened and Steve isn't giving up.
Howard said Steve is trying to find out what's going on over there and no one is talking to him at the paper. Howard said you'd think they'd talk to them because they wouldn't be afraid of him since he's not relevant anymore.
Howard said that people are afraid of Rupert Murdoch because of how much power he has. He said that if you fuck with FOX they'll hit you with newspaper, cable and other stuff and then you're out for the count. Howard said that guy can really get upset and take out some shit on you.
Artie asked what Richard Johnson's job was before he did his column. Howard said he was always a journalist as far as he knows. Artie said he thought he was part of that party-goer type of thing back in the 1980s. Howard said that he may have been. Howard said that was never the kind of thing he could do himself though.
Howard said that he can't imagine being someone like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears' publicist. He said that they bark out orders about stuff and have to deal with teenage girls. He said the ass kissing is off the charts with those people. He said that has to be the worst job in the world. He said he couldn't stomach that for a minute.
Howard said he'd want to strangle the annoying stars that demand stuff from publicists like that. Artie said that there are assistants and stuff that do things like that. Howard said that to become a publicist you have to be a journalist. That's what they really are but they write the news in your favor.
Howard said that a real publicist is a great journalist who can write you up and make you look good. Robin said that they can make you if they're really good.
Howard said that the front page of the L.A. Times has to be fabricated because he is successful there at SIRIUS and they're doing very well.
Howard said he's trying to clean out his apartment because he has some work going on over there. He said he was cleaning out the apartment and found some old tapes and stuff that he thinks is really cool. He's going through all of that and throwing out a lot of stuff he doesn't use anymore. He said that he found a whole box of stuff that he didn't think he needed. He said that he's not sure if he'll be able to find anything if he puts things away in some warehouse somewhere.
Howard said that Laura takes care of that stuff for him and he's not sure what's going to happen if anything ever happens to her. He said that she knows where everything is and he's not sure he'd be able to find it if she wasn't around.
Howard said that he has a very busy schedule and sometimes he doesn't even pee because he doesn't have time to do it. He said he had time to go through some mail and stuff and tried to play some DVDs in his Blu-Ray player. He said that the thing was turning itself off and it takes forever to boot up. Howard said that the computer ended up turning itself off to update some anti-virus crap so he couldn't get any work done. He told Beth that she might not want to be around to see him when he's angry, like the Hulk.
Howard said that he loves that new Hulk movie. He said he's going to watch it again because he liked it so much.
Robin said that they keep introducing new super heroes and you can't keep track of it. Howard said that if everyone is a hero, then no one is special. Howard said they made a mistake of giving the scientist the power to give everyone powers. Howard said they're also whiny about it and don't just accept their powers.
Artie said he's never wanted super powers like Howard has. Howard said that's a good thing, it shows that Artie's therapy is working. Artie said he never wanted them though.
Howard said that he hates ''Heroes'' officially now and he can't watch it. Howard said he's bailed out on it. Robin said that means it must really suck because he doesn't bail on stuff easily.
That conversation led to the guys talking about George Takei being on the show and Howard talking about how that poor guy has to deal with all of those geeks and nerds. He did his Gammorean Guard impression where he's supposed to be in a mask talking to people.
Howard ended up playing some of George Takei singing the Christmas songs that Sal created for him. Howard said he loves that guy. He said he can't wait for the holiday season so he can play those songs all day long.
Robin asked if they got anything free for the wedding. Howard said that they got one thing free. It was Beth's dress. He said that Georgina gave it to them since Beth was promoting where it came from so much.
The caller was asking Howard about sex after marriage too. Howard said that it seemed to be more loving after they got married.
The caller asked if they could do a different type of Best of the Show type thing instead of just playing full shows. Howard said that Tim Sabean looked into it and found that people wanted to hear things the way they do them now. Howard said that everyone complained about The Friday Show so they put a stop to that.
Gary said that on Friday they play the best segments of the week and not full shows. The caller said it was last week when they were playing full shows that he was talking about. Gary said that's what people want to hear from what they've found.
The caller said that Gary looked like a baboon on that Man Caves show. Gary said that they seemed to fin every bad angle of him on that show. He said that they were shooting from below and they had bad lighting so he looked awful. His wife even said something about that.
Gary said he's got like 17 chins and nose hair and stuff like that. They also had a lot of teeth shots. Howard said he can't wait to see it. Artie said that he thinks his show aired last night or something. He said he thinks his mother saw it.
Gary said that DirecTV has the DIY channel that the show airs on. He wasn't sure about the local cable companies. That led to Gary talking about some of the stuff they have on DirecTV and how you can watch multiple games at the same time. Artie said that kind of thing is for gamblers to watch. Gary said that he doesn't gamble but then they pointed out that he does play fantasy football so he does gamble. Gary said he's not watching that stuff for his fantasy football teams though.
Howard said he doesn't like football all that much because it doesn't move fast enough for him. He said he was watching the Jets game over the weekend and wondered if he was going to spend a whole two hours watching the game. He said he has a ton of shit to do.
Gary said that they do a thing where they take all of the bullshit out of a game and cut it down to about an hour. Howard said that once the game is over he can't watch it.
Howard asked Artie where his cupcake was because he saw him holding it a little earlier. Artie said that was like an hour ago and it's gone. Gary said that Jason tried to give him his bagel but Artie had a cupcake in each hand so he couldn't take it.
Howard said he loves the pictures of Artie they have hanging in the hall where he's holding food. He said he'd love to see Artie holding the cupcakes and the bagel in his mouth. He said that they have one of Artie holding a ton of food in his hands a cup in his mouth and something under his arm.
Gary said they have some pictures of Artie that are just too weird to hang in the halls so they have them in the bathroom.
The caller said that if Gary gets bored at the Jets game he can call Nick DiPaolo to come over. The caller was also asking if they could have a show with Sal and Richard talking about their prank phone calls and playing them for the fans. Howard said that he kind of likes peppering them into the show and not over doing it with their own show. He said that he'd be afraid to give them their own hour too. He said they'd probably say something that would piss him off.
Jon Hein came in with some ratings information and said that Slater's show really didn't do very well. The Dancing with the Stars show is doing really well and beating everything. Howard said he doesn't even watch that anymore. He can't handle it anymore.
Howard said he got an e-mail from Al Rosenberg who was responding to Sarah Silverman's comments about him talking during the wedding. Al claims that he leaned over and whispered to Tim Sabean about how great it was to see Howard and Beth getting married. Al said that he's going to travel around and talk at more weddings to see if he can get talked about on Howard's show even more.
Howard said that Sarah loves him and she hates nonsense. He said that she was right in a way because you don't want anyone talking during the wedding. Robin said that she was sitting near there and didn't hear anyone talking. Robin said that maybe Sarah should have been paying attention to them instead of to Al's talking. Fred said that Sarah was actually interrupting the wedding talking about people interrupting the wedding.
Howard said he was watching this debate that Tom Brokaw was in charge of and Brokaw kept interrupting with the time limit thing. He said that Brokaw was very annoying with that. He said he doesn't understand why they're so worried about the rules on those things.
Howard said that he knows some really intense parents who don't let their kids do anything. He said he thinks that they probably care too much about this kid and the kid probably wants to jump pout the window. He can't be around them though because they are so intense.
Howard said that he had some audio of Bob Levy reading some stuff for them. They had some outtakes from that recording session. He played that stuff and Bob was having some trouble getting through some fairly simple words. They had him reading for the ''Legends of Laughter'' special they did.
Howard said he feels bad for Bob. Artie said he's not sure how he got through the two chapters of his book. Howard said he heard the outtakes from that are like 8 hours long. He had to go to break after that.
The doctor said that he actually did play a porn star on TV. Artie said that he does look like a guy who would go into pussy reconstruction. Dr. Moore said that he had friends who told him that when he was in school. Howard said that he knew guys who wanted to be gynecologists not realizing that they had to work on 90 year old women who hadn't had their vaginas opened up in years.
Dr. Moore said that the guy who came up with this surgery is the guy who does the Dr. 90210 show. Howard asked Shauna what's wrong with her labia that she's freaked out about. She said that they're kind of long and she's a stripper and she thinks that they might show. Howard asked to see what they look like in panties. She showed them but Howard couldn't see anything. Dr. Moore said that they have women who don't like their labia's appearance so they don't have sex with the lights on.
Howard asked Dr. Moore what this costs to have done. He also had to find out what his name was because he hadn't even asked by that point. His name is Dr. Robert Moore.
Howard said that he gets freaked out when Beth goes to a male doctor. He said that a guy can't turn off his attraction to a hot chick like this Shauna. Howard said that if he were a doctor he'd be asking to see what her titties look like too. Dr. Moore said that a lot of doctors do try to do all of the different types of surgery but he specializes in this stuff.
Dr. Moore said that they operate on women as young as 15 or 16. He said that they put toilet paper in their underwear trying to hide that big labia.
Howard said that's kind of weird that 16 year olds are doing that. He said that maybe they'll grow up and they'll get smaller. Howard said they say that you shouldn't get a nose job because your face might change the older you get.
Dr. Moore got in a plug for (EDITED OUT) and said you can see some of the women there. Howard said that they should have a biggest labia contest there. Artie said he thought they did that already.
Howard said that they were going to see Shauna's vagina today but she said that she wasn't going to show them. Gary said that's the reason they booked them. Howard kicked them out a minute later when she refused to show them.
Howard said that they got a letter from someone about it. Howard told everyone to forget that they just heard that segment.
Howard said Gary told him that they were going to see a before and after of this woman today. Gary asked if they could edit the plugs out of the replay. Howard told him to go ahead and do that.
Howard said they were all prepared to have her get in the tickle chair to spread her legs wide. Howard asked Robin if she would do it for them instead. Robin said that she won't but also said that her labia are all in the right place as far as she knows.
Howard said that he doesn't need people coming in to plug stuff and not do what they expect. He said that the guy was just plugging away for his business. Howard said that he thinks the guy was kind of freaked out too. Howard said he seemed to be having a good time. Artie said that maybe he wasn't prepared for her to say what she said.
Howard said that they should cut out a pair of panties and show Gary's lips through them instead of a real labia. He said that would be huge labia if they did that. Howard said they're going to have to create a great TV show for Howard TV tonight.
Howard said they could cut this stuff into the show. He had Scott put up the camera so they could get a shot of Gary's lips. Richard came in and told Gary he needs to lay on his side on the couch so they do look like labia. Howard said they have bathing suits they could use.
Howard said that they could make Gary's lips look like a vagina. He asked for someone to bring in some panties. Sal was out goofing on Gary in the hall so he wasn't bringing in the panties.
Howard asked Robin if she's ever seen women with hanging labia. Robin said that she has seen women with big labia before and she has been shocked. Artie said that they had a Penthouse chick in there who had big labia one time. She liked hers though.
Howard asked Gary to lay on the couch and turn his head sideways. He said this was going to be good for Howard TV. Howard directed Scott DePace on how to shoot it. Howard said that it looked really good. Doug Goodstein came in and told him that they've done something like this before.
Howard had Gary loosen up his lips and Artie said that it looked gross. Howard said that everyone had to look shocked so they could edit this together. Howard had Gary making noises with his ''labia'' and stuff like that. Then Gary stuck his tongue out and Artie yelled ''Oh my god it has a tongue!''
Doug said that they had a thing where they had someone's face coming out of a vagina that they did. He had the guys show what it looked like.
Howard said they should have a shot of Sal fucking the vagina on the couch. He asked Sal to come in to do that but Gary wasn't going to put up with that. Richard was trying to finger his mouth too. Gary said that he just shoved a fake penis in Sal's mouth. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Robin got her web site from a guy who owned it and he gave it up for free. Howard asked Robin if her 25 year old boyfriend is going to get a spot on her web site. Robin just laughed. Fred said he met the new boyfriend at her Debate Party last week. He said that they do appear to be close acquaintances.
Howard said that David Alan Grier is there. The guys brought him after that. David came in and said that some of the guys that used to work with Artie at MAD TV are working with him now and told him to say hello.
David said that he and Robin used to work out at the same health club years ago but she ignored him. He said that she was laughing with her trainer and ignoring him. He did an impression of Robin laughing that was pretty good. David was goofing on Robin as not liking the black man. Robin said she didn't remember him being at the gym with her but she was busy working out. Robin said that she liked David until he said that today.
Howard asked Robin if she was bringing the new boyfriend to Jason's wedding. She said she's not. Howard said he's actually going to Jason's wedding. Artie said that he was going to blow it off but now he might have to go.
Howard asked David if he started out as a comedian. David said he was actually an actor first. He was a serious actor at first.
Howard asked David about In Living Color and how he got into that. David said he didn't have a bunch of characters at the time but he did some impressions. Howard asked him who he does. David said that he does Maya Angelou. Howard said he knows that people don't like to be put on the spot but he wanted him to do the impression. David said that no one had ever done that impression so he couldn't really fail doing it.
David did the impression and had Howard, Artie and Robin laughing at it. David said it was very pompous and didn't make a lot of sense. He said that she had a smile and he wasn't sure if it was a pained smile or what.
David also did his Jeremiah Wright impression that had the guys cracking up. Howard asked if he made good money doing In Living Color. David said he didn't. Howard said that he's got this new show on Comedy Central and he's getting great reviews.
Artie asked David when he's going to fly to South Africa (like Dave Chappelle). David said that he's already got his ticket.
David talked about growing up in Detroit. Howard said that it was the opposite for him out in Roosevelt, Long Island and shared some of his childhood stories. David said that he wasn't allowed to play with the white boys when he was growing up because they were too rough. He said that they were hard ass white people living in Detroit.
Howard said that he asked Sarah Silverman yesterday about being on Comedy Central and how they pay no money. He asked her why she does it and she told him that she gets to do what she wants and her value goes up. He asked David if he's making any money there. David said that he's making some money and he just wanted to do a great show.
David said that he has 7-9 writers and he knows why Dave Chappelle lost it doing his show with just 2 people. David said that it is a lot of work but it's the show he's always wanted to do. He said if you want that you have to work for it.
Howard said that Jennifer Lopez came out of In Living Color but she wasn't good looking back then. David said that she was a bit of a fat ass back then. Howard asked him if he was banging any of those hot chicks there. David said he was married at the time so he wasn't.
Howard asked David about his wife, who is Korean, and if that causes problems in the black community. David said it really isn't a problem. He said he dated a Puerto Rican woman too and she was even darker than most of his family.
Howard said that David thought that Jim Carrey's movie ''Ace Ventura'' was going to flop. David said that he was sat right next to Jim during that movie premiere and he had to laugh the whole film to make him feel better but inside he was thinking that he had lost his mind.
David said that Jim used to do a character called Colon Man where he would pull out his 40 feet of colon and lasso people. He thought that was great.
David said he didn't think that America was ready for Jim at the time and he and Chris Rock thought that no one was going to see Ace Ventura.
David said that Jim's thing was crazy because he went from not being able to get booked on Letterman on a Wednesday to getting flown out the following Monday after the movie came out.
David also talked about Jamie Foxx and how he grew his career a little more slowly than Jim did. He said that he's very jealous of that and thinks that he should be making the 20 million that he's making.
Artie said that David plays a nerdy guy a lot in the bits he does. He said that Phil Lamar is like that too but they're really not nerds at all. David said that sometimes you just have to act ''super black'' around people and that's what people like Oprah try to do.
David said that the last time he had to act ''super black'' was yesterday. He said that he's staying in a hotel that's next to a men's shelter. He said that there are guys standing out there who see him going into the hotel and he has to be ''super black'' when he goes from the town car to the hotel.
David said that he once got career advice from sky cap who told him to hook up with Jamie Foxx. He said that he told the guy to just get him his damn bags instead of giving him advice.
Howard asked David what he does if he's walking down the street with a white studio exec and a black guy walks up to him. David said that he's stuck in a hard place if that happens. Howard said that when he used to walk down the street with Robin she'd get hit on all the time by car attendants and people like that. Howard said that he was afraid that he was going to get his ass beat for hanging out with her.
Howard said that David auditioned for the role of George Costanza on Seinfeld. David said it was one of the worst auditions he ever had. Howard said that David thought that the show wasn't going to work at all. David said that he went in and did the audition and Jerry was horrible at the time. David said that Jerry was so bad that it made him bad. He said that he never thought it was going to work. Artie said that Jerry was so bad that he can be seen mouthing words waiting for his line to come up.
David talked about going to Yale and some of the other people who were in school with him at the time. He said that John Torturo was in at the time and he was pretty intense. He said there was another guy in the class who always got the lead in all of the plays but once they were out of school, he never heard from him again.
David said that he moved back to New York when he was on In Living Color. He said that he wasn't going to do the show but Kim Wayans convinced him to do it. David said that he tried out for Cheers back in the day but he really wanted to do a serious show.
Howard asked David about the family life and his second wife. David said that he had pressure on his career during the first marriage. He said that he never cheated on her and in hindsight, he should have fucked everyone. He said that there was a time in his career that he fucked everyone he could but that was after his marriage. He said that he was single for quite a while so he had a lot of fun during that time.
Howard gave David some plugs for his new show ''Chocolate News'' which starts tonight on Comedy Central at 10:30pm.
David said that they listen to Howard every day. He said that Morty (Robert Morton) is producing the show and he loves Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that David does a Marion Barry impression that's great. David said that's old stuff and he doesn't do it now.
Another caller said that David said that he ran into J-Lo one time and she refused to talk to him. David said that wasn't him, she's still fine with him. He said that he still sees her out and she says hello to him.
David said that he saw J-Lo out one time and she looked amazingly hot. Artie said that he met David back in 1995 and David told him that he was going to be the biggest star in show business. He really doesn't have a good eye for that kind of thing.
David said that he remembers reading about Martin Lawrence getting like 20 million to do a movie and he had to pull over to the side of the 101 to take a moment to take some deep breaths. He said that he started his car and just went right back to work. David said it was very hard to read that kind of stuff.
Howard asked David what kind of money he's making now. David said that he's getting paid more than he used to but he's just not making the $20 million deals. David said that he always works though so he's doing just fine.
Another caller asked David if he knew that Howard banged his co-star Robin Givens. David said that he did know that. Howard said he never said he banged her. He said he just dated her.
David said that he and Damon Wayans were hanging out with her in her trailer on the movie and asked her what happened between her and Mike Tyson. Robin said ''We were just two young kids in love..'' and had tears welling up. David said they walked out and cracked up when they heard that.
Howard said that he dated Robin Givens for a few months and it was the only black woman that he dated. Howard said that he had major crushes on a lot of black women when he was growing up and no one would date him. He said that they told him that there was no way it would work in their community.
Howard said that there was this really hot black chick that he liked in school but there was no way she was going to go out with him.
Artie said he had a crush on a black chick and her name was Toy Green. David said that's definitely a black name.
Another caller asked if David dated Lori Petty. David said that he went out with her but it was bad timing because it was right after his marriage ended. He said that if she left a piece of lint in his apartment, he'd bring it back to her just to get it out of there.
Howard gave David some more plugs and talked to him about the new TV show. Artie talked about some characters that David and one of the other guys on In Living Color used to do. David told Artie that they based those characters on some real people that would show up at In Living Color and get onto the set and try to make things happen. He said that they didn't have security there in the beginning so people would sneak in and do that kind of stuff. Howard had to wrap up and go to break a short time later.
Howard said that it really is a man's world. He said that even guys like Robert Chambers can get chicks. Artie said that he was out in L.A. when they caught that Baltimore shooter and there were chicks talking about how cute the guy was.
Howard had JD in the studio and told him that he should be able to get some chicks. He said that there are even billionaires out there who can't get laid.
Howard took a call from his mother, Ray, who said that she doesn't think that the questions the other day were fair. She said that she and Howard's father don't feel they were right. Ray said that the questions weren't fair to them and they know him better than the game made it seem.
Ray said that the questions were very superficial and not what they should have been. Howard said it was a question of how well they know him. He said that it was about how many tattoos he has and things like that. Ray said she doesn't like the tattoos and doesn't approve of them.
Ray said that Howard always drinks water or wine and most of the time it's water. She said that she's sure that he doesn't have cranberry juice at work. Howard said he doesn't but he does at home. Ray said that he never has cranberry juice at home when she's been there.
Ray told Howard that she heard Robin say that Howard's favorite food was fish. Robin said she said spaghetti, not fish. Ray thought that Robin said fish and didn't know where she got that if Robin didn't say it on the air. Howard told his mom to just admit that she doesn't know him that well.
Ray asked Howard what his daughter's favorite foods are. He said that Ashley's favorite is sushi rolls. Debra's is probably Japanese food. Emily loves anything all natural. He said that he knows his kids and what they eat.
Ray said that the questions were not good for that game. Howard said his favorite part was when his mother called out his father on his vote. He said that he liked that. Ray said that they don't know Ben that well. Howard said he knows him better than his mother does. Ray laughed and said ''I don't think so.''
Howard told Ray to ask him a question about his father. Ray didn't have any for him. She said that the things that he discusses with his psychiatrist is just not right. Howard said that she hates that he goes to the shrink. Ray said she can't imagine what he's talking about for the past 10 years. Howard said that he's miserable and narcissistic. He said he wants to be able to have a conversation with his wife and be able to listen to him.
Howard said his mother takes the therapy as a personal attack on the way she raised him. Howard said that she shouldn't feel so threatened by it. Ray said she's just curious.
Howard said he talks a lot about his mother in therapy. She said that she understands that because she's part of his life. Howard said that he and his mother were locked up in the house together for many years and a lot went down.
Howard said that he talks about the fears his mother put into him. He said that she made him afraid of the world. He went into an impression of her and talked about the holocaust. Ray said she never talked about the holocaust. Howard told her about a German spoon she had and what she said about not wanting that stuff in the house. He said that his mother would tell him stories about her life and it made him afraid of the world.
Ray said that she didn't tell him those stories when he was young but Howard said he heard phone calls with people and things like that. Howard said that he really cares about his mother and she was very sad for many years.
Ray said that Howard says things that people encounter in their lives every day. Howard said that this is the way he was formed and he's just trying to live his life the way he can. Howard said that he will get over his mother some day. He said that he took a lot of her misery in when he was growing up and that's what he's working through.
Howard told his mother that he's trying to overcome the stuff he grew up going through. She said she just called in to let him know how upset they were with the questions the other day. She said she was just joking around about being upset about them but she thought Howard was making a big deal out of this therapy thing.
Howard said that he thinks that he was smothered as a child and he doesn't blame his mother for that, she just loved him too much. Howard said that she would tell him that he represented her and he was her ambassador to the world. Ray said she never told him that when he was little. She said she waited until he was older.
Howard said he wasn't allowed to wear jeans to school and that's the kind of things he has to get past. Ray said that wasn't so terrible.
Howard said that his mom thinks that the therapist is poisoning him toward her. Howard said that his relationship has gotten better with his parents since he went to therapy. It was always good but it's gotten better according to Howard. Ray said it was always good and she's not sure the therapy has changed anything.
Artie told Ray that Howard really is a great ambassador because he just kicked a woman out of there because she wouldn't show her labia. Luckily Ray didn't hear what he was saying. Artie didn't want to repeat his goofy joke.
Howard said that his mother said something in an joking way the other day that was kind of hurtful. He said that she joked about the miscarriage she had and how that could have been some kind of monster. Howard said that she said it and many a truth is said in jest. Ray said she didn't mean anything by that and she thinks that Howard is the nicest person in the world. Howard said she thinks that her children are monsters on a subconscious level.
Howard asked Ray if she ever resented him as a child. She said she didn't so Howard told her she needs therapy. He told her he loves her though and said that he wants to have a round 2 for the ''Who Knows Howard Best'' game. He wanted her to give him a question that would be relevant. She said she didn't have one and she'd have to think about it. She said she'll come up with something.
Howard said he had his father on the phone and put him on. It was audio clips of Ben trying to hear him but being unable to hear. Howard said that it was just tape and not really his dad. Ray giggled and said ''That's very funny.''
Howard said that his mother needs a hearing aid too but she won't get one. Ray said that's not the subject they're on, her hearing, so she had to go. Howard told her that he loves her very much. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said that his parents are very threatened by psychiatry. Fred said that most parents are. Howard said he had to take another break.
Howard said that the guy only got laid about a dozen times so if you break down the math, it was about $24,000 a fuck. Artie laughed and said that this guy is crazy. Howard said he shouldn't have done the interview.
Howard played more of the audio of Cooke talking about all of the work he was putting into his family and how he was just trying to find something he didn't have with his wife.
Howard said that Christie Brinkley hit the mother load with the modeling and her own make up line and all of that. He said that Beth told him that she probably made out very well.
Howard played audio of Peter Cooke talking about how he was visiting adult web sites and cheating on his wife. Howard said he would have asked what web sites he was on. He said he'd love to hear what kind of sites he was visiting. Artie said that he'd like to know if there's a chance that Benjy and Peter Cooke have ever had sex.
Barbara Walters said that Peter was spending about $3,000 a month on online porn. Peter said that he was looking for something he didn't have in his marriage. Barbara pointed out that Peter masturbated on a web cam with people he didn't even know. Peter claimed that he only did that one on one with people and he didn't give out his name.
Howard said this guy was multi-tasking with the web site stuff and taking care of the family. Howard said that he had another clip from a CNN show where this guy AJ Hammer does an Artie ''Wah!'' thing during his discussion about Peter Cooke.
Howard asked Benjy if he would show his cock on the web like this guy did. Benjy said that he has done that with people before. Howard said that they have to think about this whole thing and what Peter Cook was up to. He said that he had to plan around all of the kids and his wife being out of the house. He said he has to be home alone and he must have to find a free minute to go on the web site to show his cock and balls. Howard said that the guy has to hide his face and it has to be a big hassle to get it to work.
Howard said it has to be a big effort to show your cock and balls on the internet. Gary said they have a password to the site so they might be able to log in and see what it's like. Gary said the site is AdultFriendFinder.com. Artie figured the site was going to crash if they mentioned it on the air. Howard said they should be able to get in before everyone else.
Howard and the guys checked out the chicks that were up on the site. They were going to talk to her and Howard suggested they use Artie's name. Artie said he minds him using it so Howard changed it to ''Farty'' instead. Howard told Artie to show this chick his cock.
The guys went into a chat room that was supposed to be local. The guys typed in something about showing a cock. Sal said that he would show his cock. Sal said that he used to go on the site and he would put on a wig and lipstick and pretend to be a lesbian. He said that he would dim the lights so they wouldn't see him and he'd get lesbians to get naked for him.
Howard said that he had some chicks lined up. They found some women showing their bush. Howard told the guys to ask her if she wanted to see his cock. The girl was a pig anyway so they gave up on it and went to break.
Howard came back and sang along with the Tom Petty song a little bit. He said he's a big fan of his now. He said he was never a fan until he saw him perform live. He said he saw him perform in some dude's living room. Artie was with him that time. The two of them sang the song a little bit after that. Howard said he wasn't sure he wanted to say whose living room it was that he saw him in. Howard said the guy paid like $800,000 to have him do it.
Howard said that Tom Petty pays his band a salary and he probably pays them pretty good. Artie said that Petty really was good at that Hamptons Social thing they went to.
Howard said it was great to just sit there on the couch watching the guy perform. That led to Artie talking about going up to hang out with the Kraft family up in Boston. He said that they flew him up and back and it was the best.
Robin said that she heard a story about Ellen Degeneres showing up to some guy's birthday party and she thinks that they may have paid her 7 figures. She said she thinks that Ellen also specified that she wouldn't dance for the people at the party.
Howard said that he was watching Ellen's show the other day and when you see her dance you're just amazed that there's a dude who can dance.
Howard said that this is like a second grader who can't read in class. He said they should have just left it the way Bob read it without editing it. Artie said that bob is reading one of the most emotional parts of his book in that clip. Artie said that he was able to get it out when he was writing it. Howard told Artie to go back and take Bob out of that part of the audio book.
Artie said that he was reading a part of the book where he talks about something that only Will knows about. He said he had to get some clearance to talk about certain things.
Howard played more of Bob's read and Bob was having problems with the word Catheter and Howard ended up goofing on him about that. He said that he could feel Bob's emotions dripping out of him. Then Bob had problems with the word ''Jeopardize.''
Howard told Artie he was cruel to have Bob do this thing. He said that it had to be a field day for the other kids in Bob's class when he got up to read. He said he would have loved it because Bob would take forever up in front of class. Artie said that Bob was voted ''Most likely to fight Danny Bonaduce'' when he was in school.
Howard played more of Bob trying to read the book and said that he's seen guys put less effort into trying to climb Mt. Everest.
Howard said that he's not irrelevant now and this article is ridiculous. Steve said that there are some other news journalists out there saying that the article is really off. There are also some things going on with the company that owns the paper. Steve said that they need to explain to their readers what's really going on there.
Steve said that Lisa G is on her way to Los Angeles to cover the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable this Thursday night. They have a bunch of big celebrities like Natalie Maines, Jeff Probst, Jillian Barberie, Jimmy Kimmel and Neil Patrick Harris doing the show. They're going to out another big star who is a huge fan of the show. They're doing it live from Nobu out in Los Angeles tomorrow night at 7 on Howard 101.
Steve said that High Pitch Mike went to see Madonna two nights in a row. Artie covered his mouth and said that he's trying to keep a promise he made to Mike.
Artie said that he offered that guy Pittsburgh Pete to come out to see him in Pittsburgh. He was going to offer him the chance to go up on stage and say anything about him he wants to say. He hasn't heard back from the guy yet. He said he's hoping the guy will go up on stage and bomb and not be funny.
Artie said that he was going to let Pete and his friends come for free. He said that Will the Farter is going to be there too and he's going to do his thing at the end of his gig. He said that they have seats available for Heinz Hall.
Howard said he just saw the rough cut of the fake labia thing that they're working on for today's show and it's great. Howard said it's genius. They have the woman standing up and then show the Gary lip-labia scene they shot as her labia.
Howard had Jon Hein do his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of things that happened today that they'll be covering on the Wrap Up Show.
Howard told Gary to leave in the plugs that the Doctor gave today. Gary said they'll just bleep them out. Artie said that he loves when they throw broads out of there. He mentioned Rachel Hunter as one of his favorite moments on the show. Howard called her a ''fuckin' cunt'' that day.
The guys ended up talking about Heroes again when Jon brought that up. Howard and Jon said that they're really not liking the show these days. Robin said she hates that girl who runs fast. Howard said he doesn't like that one either.
Jon mentioned that Artie is going to go to Jason's wedding now that he's heard that Howard is going. Artie said that he has to work up in Toronto that weekend but he thinks he might be able to make it back. Artie said that he knows Jersey and it's going to take longer than Howard thinks it is. Howard said he doesn't want to take forever to get out there. Jason said it's a quick shot out Rt. 80 to get there. It's in Hackettstown, New Jersey.
Jason said that it's on a Saturday night and Howard didn't like that either. Jason said that Hackettstown is just 45 minutes away. Ronnie said that it's like an hour and a half. Ronnie said that it's going to be like an hour just going through the Lincoln Tunnel.
Howard told Jason that if it takes that long he'll turn around and go back. Fred said that he checked Mapquest and they say 1 hour and 21 minutes with no traffic. Howard asked Jason why he's doing it way out there. Jason said that he lives in Jersey and most of the people he knows live out there.
Howard asked Jason why he isn't holding it out in Hoboken where he lives. Jason said that he doesn't have a million bucks. Howard said he'd pay to move it there.
Howard told Jason he's the fattest he's ever been. Jason said that he's already said he's given up. He said that he hopes to look back on his wedding pictures and see how fat he was and think about how much he's lost since then.
Ralph called in and said that Hackettstown isn't all that far away from the city. He said that he thought it was kind of lame that Artie is going now that Howard is going. Artie said he was just joking around. Ralph also said he wishes that Artie would drink at these things. He said he was kind of a bummer out at Howard's wedding.
Ralph said that Artie is like that guy Fun Bobby on ''Friends'' who stopped being fun when he stopped drinking. Artie said he never saw that show, he's straight.
Howard asked Jason to rope him off at the wedding and keep everyone away from him. He said that he wants Jason to concentrate on keeping his family away from him instead of on his wedding. Artie said he thinks Howard will turn around at exit 14E.
Steve Brandano came in to promote tonight's Intern Show. Steve said they have one of their current interns who was on the Beat the Booey TV show. They'll talk to him about what it's like to work with Gary after bashing him on the show.
Fred had to tune the guitar but he wasn't having any luck with it. He said that he just wasn't going to be able to do it. Fred said that someone must be fucking with his guitar when he's not there. Fred continued to tune the guitar and eventually got it about right. Artie wanted to sing Comfortably numb with him. Fred suggested ''Mother'' instead. Then he threw out ''My Generation'' but Howard was back by then.
Fred played ''My Generation'' while Robin and Artie sang along to it. Howard cut them off a minute later and said he was back. He said that he had to sign some paperwork that he had already signed but they lost.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. Fred started her off with Richard's ''Black Snatch Fever'' song parody. Robin started off with a story about Peter Cooke's interview with Barbara Walters. She also had a story about Jay Leno. That led to Howard goofing on that guy for a short time. They talked about Stuttering John and how he's worried about what's going to happen when Jay leaves NBC. Robin said she hung out with John during their vacation last week and he really is concerned about what's going to happen.
Robin read a story about a woman who won a million dollars on Wheel of Fortune. She played some audio of the woman screaming when she won. She said she was going to use the money to buy a house and a car and things like that. Howard said you can't buy a house and car with that kind of money anymore.
Robin read a story about this guy Neil Hefty who just passed away. Howard said he knew that the guy wrote the Batman comics. Artie said he hopes that the guy was fat with a last name like Hefty.
Howard ended up talking about the old Batman TV series and how bad that was. He said that he always wanted them to come up with a cool Batman show. They eventually did with the movies. Artie said that they would always have celebrity cameos in the TV series and they'd always do it when they were climbing up the side of a building. He said that one time it was Sammy Davis Jr. who was in the window of one of the buildings.
Howard played some audio that he recorded as a kid where he was making up his own Batman episode. He was doing all of the voices and all of the sound effects himself. That's the bit they pulled the ''Holy Gazookas!'' clip from.
Howard said that he likes Prince's Batman and asked Fred to find it. Howard got back to his Batman clip and said he wanted to find out what happened. At one point Music Man is playing a note and it takes Batman out. Howard said that there were a lot of moments in his childhood like that. Robin said she had no idea what was going on in that clip. Howard told her that Music Man had Batman disabled with music. Batman pulled out his ''Bat ear plugs'' to block the sound. Howard said that episode was better than what they had on TV.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't understand why they don't think that original series was great. He said that they had some great characters on that show. Fred asked him if he was aware of the comic books before that show. Ralph said he kind of was. Fred said that no one who read the comic books was into that show. Howard said he was only into it because he was so starved for Batman stuff.
Fred said that he wasn't allowed to watch TV because his brother was doing shitty in school and his mom made him study instead.
Robin said that this Hefty guy also wrote the theme song for The Odd Couple TV show. Artie said that guy must have made a lot of money just off of that alone. That show has been in syndication for like 35 years. Artie said he'd love to know what kind of money he made off of those two things alone.
Robin read a story about how schools are encouraging students to take SAT scores once they get back into school and pay the students to do it. If they take it they get a $300 book store credit and $1000 if they raise their scores. Robin said that it almost sounds like they're encouraging cheating.
Robin read a story about a family that cremated their own mother after she died so they could keep the social security checks coming in.
Robin read some news about people not washing their hands after going to the bathroom. Howard said that he's perfected the art of peeing without touching anything down there. He said that he sits down and tucks his penis down so he doesn't have to touch it with his hands. Robin said that a little more than half of men don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom.
Robin read some news about people not cooking their food long enough in the microwave. People are cooking chicken in there and not killing off the bacteria. Howard said that he saw Dominic Barbara leave chicken out all night one time so Howard tried to explain to him that he just can't do that.
Sour Shoes called in and performed the Prince Batman song for him. Howard let him do that for a few seconds before he told him he'd transfer him to Steve Langford and then hung up on him.
Robin read some news about John McCain and Barack Obama. She had some poll numbers and things like that. She read some news about a woman dropping her 13 year old son off at a hospital in Nebraska because she wasn't able to handle him.
Robin said that they're talking about suspending term limits in New York City to let Bloomberg run for a third term. She said Rolling Stone magazine is changing to the size of regular magazines from it's larger size.
Fred was playing a bunch of JD clips during the news so Howard asked him to compare JD's hoot laugh to Sour Shoes' ''OOOoooOOO'' sound. It was actually kind of close.
Robin read some news about DJ AM going back to work after his plane crash. Robin had a story about a 4 year old that disappeared and how they've arrested the mother in that case. She had some news about Ellen Degeneres doing a PSA for being against Proposition 8 out in California.
Robin read some news about Hillary Clinton talking about how she's not looking to run for President again. She also read a story about Madonna and Guy Ritchie getting divorced. She had some news about Bill Clinton talking about Hurricane Ike and how they have to show people what happened down in Galveston, Texas.
Robin had some audio clips of Josh Brolin talking about his latest job. She wrapped up after that and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Gary said that he's responding to something that happened yesterday on this show and it had nothing to do with David Alan Grier.
Gary said that Bob Morton came to them and told them that they're working on the David Alan Grier show. Gary didn't know much about him at the time so Will looked into his history and found out more about him. He thought he was great on the show today. He said he liked his impressions and his Hollywood stories. He said he even liked his angles on what the fans say to him when he's out.
Jon played a clip of Grier talking about how he has to act ''super black'' sometimes. After that Gary said that he hears from every garage attendant and door man that they want Robin. He said that they all try to give him their phone numbers.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that it seems like the guys aren't hounding Robin about this new guy she's dating like they did with Jim Florentine. She wondered if they ruined her relationship with Jim. Gary said that they don't discuss how they're going to treat anyone like that. He said that he thinks that something will come out about this guy and they will eventually get to goofing on that whole thing.
The caller asked if they're really going to ban Jim from doing the Howard Roast if they do that. Gary said that he doesn't think they would ban him but they don't have the roast even booked yet. Jon told the caller that Howard has told everyone that have to take it equally around there.
The caller was also asking if they know that secret that Artie has in his book that only Will knows about. Gary said that they really don't know about that story and he thinks that Artie is hoping that they'll read it and all be surprised.
Jason said that Benjy won't be there and he's given him a definite no on that. He said he appreciates that he did that. Benjy said that he was looking forward to that wedding because Annemarie is going to be there and he was looking forward to seeing her. He said he can't go because he's back on his night time schedule.
Benjy said he was going to ask if he could come to the wedding late. Jason said he has to say no to that because he needs that seat and he's already said no.
Richard came in and asked Jason why he's not upset about Benjy going to the wedding but he was upset about him not going. Jason said that he didn't ant to get into it with him. He said that he already went through this and they don't need to do it again. Jason said that he wanted Richard at his wedding and he should have taken it as an honor that he was invited.
Jon told Richard that it was the reason why he wasn't going that was bothering Jason. Richard said that someone saying they don't want to go to a wedding because it's too far away is no different than him going to a concert that's the most important concert of his life.
Gary told the guys he didn't want to go down that road again. Sal was in and said that he'd be upset about the way Artie was treating the wedding and how he told Howard he had to go if Howard went. Sal though Jason wasn't reacting to that but he reacted to Richard not going like it was a big deal.
Sal said he was upset that Jason was so upset with Richard and not with other people on the show. Sal said that Jason is selling himself out for celebrities and not for other people. Sal was getting all worked up and arguing with Gary and the other guys in there trying to defend Richard.
Jason said that anyone who RSVPd to his wedding with a no can't change their minds now. Jason said that he's still waiting for an answer from Artie for a yes or a no. Jason said that he's asking Artie every single day if he's coming and he can't get a yes or a no.
Sal said that he thinks that Jason is giving Artie a free pass because of who he is. Jason admitted that's what he's doing. He said that Artie isn't the same as anyone else who is going to be there. Sal said that he's disgusted by the way Jason is reacting to all of that but he's going to the wedding anyway.
A caller said that Howard is an asshole for going to Jason's wedding and not going to Will's just because of where he was having it. The guy was going off on Howard about a few other things as well. The caller also brought up something about Robin making a comment about a truck driver and seemed a little pissed off about that.
Gary said that Howard didn't go to Will's wedding because it was far away and he was all worked up about his own wedding. Then he saw what it was like to have a wedding of his own and not having people show up. He said he thinks Howard gets it now and that's why he's going.
Ralph called in and said that it's also the time of year that Jason is getting married. Will's wedding was on a Hampton's weekend that Howard didn't want to give up.
Ralph told Richard that he should be complimented that Jason was so upset hat he wasn't going to the wedding because it shows he cares about him. Ralph said that everyone gives a pass on Artie as well and they should just make him give a decision.
Jason said that he's going to have to give Artie a hard date and make him decide on if he's coming or not. Jon said that he had just said he was going to leave an open seat for him. Jason said he was joking about that.
Sal was still going off on Jason about giving Artie the open invitation. Jon said that Sal thinks that Jason is a huge star fucker. Gary said that none of them are really ''good friends'' with Artie. No one there can get that close to him.
Sal ended up going off on Jon for cutting him off when he was trying to make the same point he had just made 20 times in the past 10 minutes. Sal said that he thinks that Jason is just giving Artie a pass because of who he is.
Jason said that everyone there is not on the same leave. Artie and Howard are on different levels than everyone else there so he's working around all of the rules with them. Jason said that it's ridiculous that they're going off on him about this stuff.
Jason said that there were two people who were invited with a +1 based on who they were. That was Artie and Robin. He said that everyone else had to be living with someone or be married before they'd get a +1.
Will came in and said that he's not offended that Howard is going to Jason' wedding and not to his wedding. Will said that he does get that feeling of the ''favorite son'' though. He said that it's also kind of odd that Artie is talking about flying in for this wedding after not going to that wedding.
The guys went back and forth on the whole thing for a few minutes. Then Sal said that he's the only one that wishes he didn't have a +1 on his invitation.
Jon asked Jason if there was anyone that he has to lecture when they go to the wedding. Jason said that he thinks that Sal will be well behaved when he's out with his wife. He said that he's usually well behaved when his wife is around. They should have ''Robo-Sal'' at the wedding like they had at Jon Hein's daughter's bat mitzvah.
Ralph said that he thinks that all of Jason's family should go up to Howard and take pictures with him when they're there. He said that it's their one chance to be around an A-list celebrity. Jason told his family that this is just an on air bit and Howard won't actually be there.
Jason said that the wedding isn't going to start at exactly 5 o'clock but it won't be too late. He said that Jewish people don't always put the start time on their invitations. He asked Jon Hein to explain why that is but Jon asked him why he was putting that on him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Artie is trying to be like Howard and giving plugs for stuff all the time now. He wondered why no one else sees that. Gary said that they call Artie out on stuff like that when they see it. He said that people have decided to take the way Artie acts and deal with it. Gary said that Artie warned them that things were going to end badly there and they have already, twice.
Another caller said that he was going to turn to The View if this wedding stuff kept up. Then he asked Richard if he would have gone to Jason's wedding if he knew that Howard was going. Richard said he would go to the concert no matter what. Gary said he believes Richard about that because he likes Coheed and Cambria so much.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Sal that this might be his last chance to show Howard he can behave himself and act in the proper way. Sal said that he's right and he's going to be on his best behavior. Gary said that he can counter that and said he thinks that Sal could still do something dumb even if he doesn't think he's going to.
Benjy asked Sal if he thinks that Jason actually does want him to do something wacky at his wedding. Sal said no to that and Jason told him that's the right answer.
Gary told Doug Goodstein that he should put his wedding back up on Howard TV this month so people can see how people used to act at weddings. That led to Sal making a comment about the way Robin was dancing at that wedding. He said that it was like a Zulu dance and she was just missing the other Zulu dancers behind her. He claimed he wasn't making a racist comment.
The guys asked Jason if he's bringing his pets to the wedding. Jason said they will be there in spirit and he may have a little surprise. Then Sal told him that if he brings his cats to his wedding, he should expect a stunt from him. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon thought the doctor was surprised but Gary said he didn't think he was at all. He said he thinks that the doctor knew that they might get kicked out and they just got in and tried to stay as long as they could.
Jason said that the guy did look surprised. He said that his eyes bugged out of his head when Howard told them to get out.
Jon said that Howard then asked Gary to come in and serve as the labia. Gary said that most people would have pretended that it didn't happen but Howard took it to a different place and saved the segment.
Gary said that Sal was prancing around doing an impression of him with a dildo in his hand. Gary said he was trying to stick it in his mouth so he just took it and shoved it into Sal's mouth instead. Gary said he doesn't want that thing shoved in his mouth because he doesn't know where it's been.
Doug said that the first cut of it is very good and they'll have it up on Howard TV tomorrow night. They were able to zoom in digitally and enhance the video. He said it's good and they'll see it tomorrow.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary used to argue about doing stuff like that in the past and today he just gave in. Gary said that he knows that he has big lips and teeth so he doesn't mind doing that. It's things like repeating after Howard that he would argue about.
Jon said that Sal just loves doing that stuff where he's goofing on Gary. Gary said he was doing something in the studio and didn't know what Sal was doing in his office. Jason said that Sal was just dancing around doing his thing in ''the zone'' that he gets into. Gary said that it's not a zone, it's more like a one trick pony.
Jon brought up that segment where they were on the AdultFriendFinder.com web site. Jason said that he was helping the guys get into the chat room and stuff but he's not into that kind of thing. He said that masturbation is a private thing for him.
Benjy said that it's kind of a pain in the ass to do that whole thing because you have to move the camera and get that all set up. He claims he's only done it a couple of times.
Gary asked Benjy how he stops from showing his stomach on there. Benjy said he's careful not to show his stomach and it's a lot of work to make it work.
The guys talked to Richard about what his plans for the future are since they were on the wedding discussion. Richard said that he'd like to keep his career going and maybe get married some day. He said he'd like to be very stable with a job though and marriage is too big of a responsibility to get into right now.
That led to the guys talking about Richard not wanting people coming over to his apartment and ruining it. Richard said that he's afraid of people like Will coming over and shoving things up his ass and breaking stuff. He said he's never had a nice place like he has now and he doesn't want to ruin it.
Jason asked Richard if he's discussed getting married with his girlfriend. Richard said that they have discussed it but they're not rushing into it. Richard said that the only thing they need now is money because right now they can barely afford the place they're living in. They had to end the show a short time later. Jon asked the guys for some predictions on when they think Richard is going to be engaged. Gary said by Christmas of 2009. Jason said August of 2009.
Howard started off the show talking about Artie calling him last night to talk about his book. The book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' is finished and he has a copy of it now. Artie said that it's an easy read. Howard said ''Not for Bob Levy...''
Howard told Robin that he was checking out to see if his foreword was properly displayed in the book. Howard said that the foreword is about 172 pages.
Artie said he called Howard last night and it was very cool to see ''Foreword by Howard Stern'' in there. He said it was a very surreal moment for him.
Howard said he wasn't sure if it was spelled ''forward'' or ''foreword'' for the book so it took him like and hour to find that.
Artie said that the book is coming out on November 11th so this is just a preview copy that Howard has. Robin said that she was wondering if she was in the acknowledgments. Artie said that she is in there and even Benjy is in there.
Howard read the dedication that Artie wrote. He dedicated it to Howard. Howard said he gets the chills every time he hears it or reads it.
Howard and the guys talked about Howard's dedication where he dedicated it to Steve Grillo and Grillo wasn't even able to find it in the book when Howard asked him to. Howard thanked Artie for the dedication and wished him success with the book.
Howard brought up Madonna and Guy Ritchie's break up and how he's trying to get $250 million in the divorce. They didn't have a pre-nup apparently.
Howard played a clip of Steve Grillo reading the dedication from his book where he says ''debit'' when he reads the word debt. Grillo had trouble reading it and he was out of breath. He claimed that he was nervous from reading it.
Howard got back to the Guy Ritchie story and said that he is supposed to be suing for that $250 million. He said that guys end up working themselves up into anger and he's going to end up looking like a broad for suing his wife for money.
Howard said that Madonna is a dumb son of a bitch if she didn't have a pre-nup. He said that she must have had advisors who told her not to get married without one. He said that her friends probably didn't tell her anything before the marriage. Howard said he tells all of his friends to have a pre-nup before they get married. Howard said Madonna is a retard for not having one.
Howard said he's heard incredible gossip about Madonna and what a fucking cunt she is. The guys said that her own brother said that she was. Howard said that Guy Ritchie is an asshole too for ripping everyone off with those shitty movies he put out. Robin said that he had a couple that she liked. She said she thinks that they were made before he married Madonna though.
Howard said that Guy will probably come out with some Disney-type movie after this divorce. Howard goofed on Guy about having his actors mumble in his movies and stuff like that.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie a little bit too. Howard said that the press loves to show pictures of them holding their black kids all the time. Howard said the press loves that. They also love Heidi Klum and Seal's kid. Artie said that they don't show Tom Cruise or Steven Speilberg's black kids much.
Howard brought up the David Duchovny and Tea Leoni marriage too and talked about David going to rehab for sexual addiction. Howard said that's just a way to make the divorce less messy. Howard said they probably take your underwear and pull it up over your head at that rehab.
Howard said that they put a tool belt on Artie and he said he felt like he was in a Village People concert. Then he was holding stuff up on the wall with his foot. In Gary's episode they were goofing on him the whole time. Gary said that it was Tony Siragusa who was goofing on him, not Jason the carpenter. Gary said that Tony stopped everything thinking that his fingernails were manicured.
Artie said that he hasn't seen the show yet but he heard that it was very funny. Howard said he thinks that they gave Artie nicer stuff on the wall than they did in Gary's house. Gary said that it's actually very nice and it's the same company that Artie's is.
Gary said that they did the whole thing in 2 days. Howard said he has guys who can't get stuff done in less than a year.
Gary said that they came over on a Thursday and looked around. On Friday they started and by Sunday they were done.
Howard asked Gary how big his basement was. Gary said it was probably 800 square feet. Howard said his apartment is about 4000 square feet which isn't all that big. Robin said that the average house is only about 1800 square feet. Howard said that they finished Gary's place in 2 days and they should be able to finish his house in a week.
Gary said that everyone comes at once when they shoot a show like that. Howard read that the average home in America is actually 2033 square feet. He said that it shouldn't take a year to finish his place. He said he'd be happy if it only took 3 months.
Howard said that they tell him it's going to take a year and he doesn't understand what takes so long. He said he might order special wood or something but even that shouldn't take that long.
Gary said that they put in a bar in his basement and they had that done quick and then the stone people came 20 minutes later and put in the counter top. He said that kind of stuff doesn't usually happen.
Howard said that Artie didn't want to build anything and told the guys that he'd pay them $1,000 if he could just leave. Howard said the shows were actually very good.
Gary said that he may have gotten a little too excited when he met the guy that's on the Jets. Howard said that they surprised Gary with this guy from the Jets and all of the kids from the neighborhood were there. The guy barely said a word to Gary. He said it was like being back in the slave days and he thinks that those kids there had never even seen a black man before.
Gary said that they shot on a Sunday and they got him up early in the afternoon. He said they were behind with getting stuff done and they had to stash the guy at a neighbor's house. They had him there for about 6 hours going from house to house. Howard said that he did look worn out by the time he got on that show. He said he looked like he wanted to run out of the house.
Gary said the guy didn't even know who he was but his agent may have known the show and that's how they got him there. Gary said that they don't have a lot of famous guys on the Jets anymore so this guy Jericho was the biggest guy they had.
Artie said his big surprise was two smokin hot chicks from the Borgata while Gary had a guy from the Jets. Howard said that Gary's wife was saying that she was going to be down there using his Man Cave a lot. Gary said that she actually has been using it a lot.
Gary asked Artie if he's put any furniture in his house since then. Artie said that they had the house empty when they shot that show. He said he has added some stuff.
Gary said he heard that when Artie had his party he had some kids over to his place and one of his buddies was saying some pretty nasty stuff to the kids.
Howard said he hasn't had sex in a couple of days now and he has a raging boner. He said that he's like a sex addict himself.
Gary asked Howard if he's going to take pills and stuff if his sex drive ever drops off. Howard said that it's not going to. He said that he doesn't think that, if he ever gets to that point, he'd want to try that hard to get one.
Artie said that he hates it because when he sees a hot chick he has to cum at the end of the day. He said that when his father was a quadriplegic he can't imagine what that must be like. He wondered if he had that drive like he does.
Howard had the list and said he could read it. He said that Robin would probably like it. The number 10 guy was Tom Chiusano. Robin sounded surprised by that and Howard figured that since she's fucking a 25 year old Tom isn't that good looking anymore. Robin claims that she's not doing that with the 25 year old.
Howard said he'd love to know what it's like for Robin to be fuckin a 25 year old. Robin just said ''Please... anyway...''
Robin said that she's only been on 2 dates with this guy. She said she wasn't going any further when they asked her if she had kissed the guy. Robin was laughing and saying that she wasn't going to tell them anything about that.
Howard said that it's a weird thing between second and third base. He said that once your hand is down the pants you're basically fucking. Artie said that the best thing is when you get your hand down the pants and the girl pulls your arm but it's just to readjust it to get it in the right spot. He said that's just the best when you know that it's not ''no'' but actually ''yes.''
Howard said that he's not sure why Robin wants to get to know this 25 year old because she just wanted to fuck the guy. Robin said that's not the case. She said she wanted to have a 25 year old on her arm.
Fred was at the debate party that Robin had with that guy there. Fred said that the guy was there too and he was just laying back on the couch while Robin was hosting her party. Artie said that this guy's life has changed a lot now that he's going out with Robin.
Howard read more of this list. After Tom came Richie Notar, Ralph, Grand Reynolds, Randy Kemper, Pat Monahan, Rob Zombie, Mark Consuelos and John Stamos.
Howard spent a short time talking about how Artie was dressed at his wedding and how he wasn't upset about him looking the way he did but he was surprised he didn't wear his suit. They had to go to break a short time later because Maureen McCormick was there.
Howard read that Maureen was jealous of Jan Brady (Eve Plumb) because she had bigger boobs. Maureen said that she was at one time.
Maureen told Howard his wife is gorgeous. Howard thanked her for that. He asked her how the book is selling. She said that it's going good. She told Robin that she has been approached for years and years about doing a book and now she's decided to finally do it and not hide anymore. She said that there are so many things in that book, not just the coke stories.
Maureen said that the coke really numbed her out from her pain. She said that she was a pretty easy lay back in the day if the guys had coke. Maureen said that her parents handled her money so that was a big help for her not blowing it all.
Maureen said that her accountant knew what she was doing and he would give her the checks for the coke she was buying. Maureen said that her first ''real'' boyfriend was the one who got her into coke first. She said that they went over to this house one day and there was a white mountain of cocaine on the table. She didn't know what to do or how to do it. She tried it once and nothing happened. It didn't hit her until the third time. She said she felt like she could do anything and that she was perfect. She chased that high for six years.
Howard said he read that she was videotaped by one guy back then and she was only 19 or 20 at the time. Howard said that he's amazed that the tape hasn't surfaced yet. She said that she's surprised too.
Howard asked Maureen about being pushed into acting. She said she wasn't pushed. Maureen said that her father was into acting and he used to love when she'd sing and dance in front of him. She said that he was very encouraging. Howard asked if she bothered with school work. She said she didn't bother and didn't even graduate from high school. Howard said she's pretty articulate for someone who didn't graduate.
Howard said that he read about how Maureen wanted Greg Brady (Barry Williams) to take her virginity. Maureen said she's very glad they didn't do it. Howard said he's a good guy but maybe it is best. Maureen said that they got very close and they came close to doing it back then. She said that they were swimming in a pool at the time and she thinks that he made out with her and stuff but it was really all a blur to her.
Howard asked Maureen if Barry fingered her. She said that he may have. Howard asked her if she sat on his face. Maureen said that she didn't do that. She said that he may have fingered her but that was it. She said he didn't lick her.
Howard asked Maureen about the make out session and what happened there. She said that she thinks her shirt was on because she remembers his parents walking in on them. Howard asked Maureen about the finger inside of her and if her pants were pulled down. Maureen said that her pants were probably up. She said that she didn't give him a hand job or anything like that.
Howard said that Maureen was way out of Barry's league back then. Howard said that Eve Plumb was in his league. Howard asked Maureen if she dislikes Eve. Maureen said that they don't have a relationship now. She said that back when they were doing the show they were best friends. They used to undress in front of each other and stuff like that. Howard asked Maureen if she was attracted to her.
Maureen said that she and Eve were really good friends back then but then they did a reunion show and she didn't show up. Then Maureen said that they did some other reunion shows and the scripts were really horrible. Howard said that all of the Brady shows had bad scripts. He asked how bad it could have been. Maureen said that she didn't do the show and she was so glad that she wasn't part of it.
Maureen said that she was trying to be Eve's friend over the years but Eve kept pulling away over the years. Then they did a show together where they were being interviewed and she said something about having a crush on the guys and even the girls on the show. Then she joked that she had kissed Eve and Eve freaked out. Maureen said that she just did it in fun and let Eve know about it. She hasn't spoken to her since. Howard asked what the big deal is. Maureen said she doesn't know.
Howard asked Maureen if Eve looked good naked. She said that she looked ''okay.'' Howard asked if she's married. Maureen said that Eve is on her second marriage now.
Maureen said that she was with a lot of guys and she doesn't even remember who her first was. Howard asked Maureen if her career just died after the Brady Bunch ended. She said that she was able to keep working. She was doing other TV shows and B movies.
Howard asked Maureen about the coke and how she was doing guys just to get the coke. She said that she did about four guys to do that. She said that she would flirt with guys and would do that just to get the coke.
Artie said that he's had chicks come on to him just because he had blow on him. Artie said that Maureen is like the sexiest chick they've ever had on the show. Maureen sounded like she really appreciated that comment. Artie told her that he has coke too.
Howard asked Maureen about going out with Michael Jackson. He didn't put any moves on her. Maureen said that he gave her a kiss on the cheek. She said that she was actually attracted to black men. Howard said that it would be great if they did a reunion where she would be banging black guys and stuff. Howard said that they could have a big family intervention. Maureen told Howard he could play Greg. Artie said that he could play Alice.
Howard asked Maureen if she ever had sex with a black man. She said that she never did. Howard asked her if she was doing deviant sex acts and stuff. She said that she doesn't think she's ever had an orgy. Maureen said that she might have gone into different bedrooms and stuff like that.
Howard said that he would have done nasty shit to Maureen back then. He asked her about doing anal. Maureen just said ''oh my god.'' Howard said he'd love to shoot an episode of that. Maureen said she didn't like it.
Howard asked Maureen about going out with Steve Martin. Maureen said that she was so coked out of her mind that nothing really happened on that date. She said that Chevy Chase actually introduced her to him. She said that her mind was so preoccupied that she wasn't laughing at his jokes and not even hearing what he was saying. She said that she remembers being really spacey with him.
Howard asked Maureen if she thinks that Bobby Brady went out with Florence Henderson. She said that she read that they just kissed. Howard said that maybe he's trying to protect her. Maureen said she really doesn't know.
Howard asked what's up with Florence Henderson. Maureen said she's actually a lot of fun and a great lady. She said that she has seen her breasts and they were perfect. The perfect hand size. Maureen said that she was very comfortable with her body.
Howard gave Maureen a plug for her new book ''Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice.'' Maureen said that she likes Howard's curly hair. She said she liked it the way it went into his face.
Howard asked Maureen about going to the Playboy mansion back when she was younger to hang out there. She was naming some of the people she used to see there and Artie figured that Wilt Chamberlain was there. She said he was and she went to his house one time. She mentioned some other guys like Steven Spielberg, Warren Beatty and some others.
Howard asked Maureen if it was at the Playboy mansion that the coke party happened. She said that was somewhere else.
Howard asked Maureen about going to this guy who was trying to get her off the drugs. It was the guy who helped out the Beach Boys. She said that was the worst time of her life. She said that he was just trying to take her money and had her on 24 hour therapy.
Maureen said that she ended up moving in with Sherwood Schwarz's son to get away from the other therapist. She would do coke and play solitaire to kill time. Maureen said that she was locked up in her apartment and heard knocking on her door and phone calls coming in. She didn't answer any of them. Then her agent ended up breaking into her house and stripped off her clothes and dragged her to the set of the show she was supposed to be shooting.
Howard asked Maureen if she's a millionaire. She said that she's doing well but she didn't make that much money from the Brady Bunch. She said that her parents invested her money in real estate and stuff and she's doing okay with that. She has some rental properties and stuff that she makes money with.
Howard asked Maureen about the first time she got her period and found out that she was ready to shoot a show one day when it hit her. She said that she looked down and had red on her pants. Howard asked her who taught her how to use a tampon. She said she thinks that her friend Karen taught her. She said that it was a friend and not an older woman.
Robin asked Maureen if she had older guys coming on to her back then. She said that she did when she was like 17 years old.
Howard thought that Cindy Brady turned out to be an asshole but Robin and Maureen corrected him on that and said that she used to do the special shows and stuff. Howard thought that she had backed out of one of them. Maureen said she didn't do one of them but she was on her honeymoon at the time.
Howard gave Maureen another plug for her book and then took some phone calls. The first caller asked Maureen if she likes to spread it wide open for guys when they're eating her out. He also asked if she was going to say the word ''cunt'' for them today. She said that she's not going to say that.
Howard asked Maureen if she would toss a guy's salad back in the day when she was doing coke. Robin said she probably doesn't even know what that means. She said that she wasn't into that kind of thing and it just doesn't appeal to her. Howard asked her what her craziest sexual experience was. She didn't really say what it was but she did say she read the Kama Sutra book. The caller asked Maureen to say the word Cunt again so Maureen made him happy and did say it.
Ham Hands Bill called in and asked her if she was molested as a child. She said that she may have been when she was 17. She said that it is in her book. She said that a guy came to her apartment with champagne and the guy was probably in his 40s. She said that she trusted the guy and it was kind of rough because the guy forced himself on her. She said that he was a producer and he claimed he wanted to see her apartment to recreate it for a TV show. Then he took her into her bedroom and pushed her down on her bed and forced himself on her.
Bill asked Maureen if she was shaving down there back then. Maureen said that she wasn't doing that back then. She said that she was kind of a dishwater blonde down there.
Howard said that Maureen was a big sex symbol to them and most young boys have pleasured themselves to her. Maureen said that she has heard that. Howard asked her if she was ever offered Playboy. She said she did get the offer but didn't do it.
Artie told Maureen that he has pleasured himself to her in the past and will do it in the future... and he's doing it right now. Maureen said she hopes that he's having fun with that.
Hook Nose Mike called in and told Maureen that she's an A-list guest and hot. The guys talked about the ''Marsha, Marsha, Marsha'' comments and how people come up to her saying that all the time. Maureen said that they also say ''Oww, my nose!''
Mike asked Maureen if she's ever done coke off a guy's cock. Maureen said that she never has. Howard joked that even he has done that.
Howard asked Maureen about her parents and if they're still around. Maureen said that her father is still alive but she doesn't see him. She said her mother died of cancer and she has a brother who never really worked a day in his life. She said that he worked for her and her parents managing her properties and stuff. She said that she helps him out and she was very close to him. Maureen said that he started in with this weird cult and he has brainwashed her 88 year old father to give him the whole family trust. She said that she has taken them all away from her and she only sees him in court.
Maureen said she's not sure she can talk about all of this stuff because they're kind of in the middle of it. She went on to tell the guys about her mother dying from cancer and how her father asked her to sign over a big sum of money to him. She said she did that because she loves him so much. She said that she's not even sure what the money was from. She said that the family trust was some money that she had made and put into this trust. She said that her father took the money and it was signed over to someone else. Howard said that this sounds complicated and cut her off.
Howard said he thought Maureen was just happy go lucky and didn't know all of this shit was going on. She's had a lot of tragedy in her life. She talked about her grandparents dying and having a brother who is mentally retarded. She said that she's hurt when she hears people tell people that they're retards and things like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he perfected jerking off to Maureen when he was growing up. He asked Maureen if she was free tonight. She's actually married now. Howard asked her if she's happily married. Maureen said that she has the greatest guy in the world. Howard thought she was giving him some kind of weird look about the guy. Maureen said that they've been married for 24 years now and it's great.
Maureen said that her husband got out of the business and got into selling printers and stuff like that. He's done very well with that and she's so proud of him. She said that he's just recently gotten back into acting and she's very happy for him.
Maureen said that her 19 year old daughter is getting into acting now too. She said that she's beautiful. Howard asked her if she's wearing underwear today. Maureen just laughed. She said that she wasn't wearing panties. She said she likes to feel free. Howard asked Maureen if she shaves down there. She said that she trims it so it's not a big bush down there. Howard said he has to see it.
Maureen talked about doing Celebrity Fit Club and how she just stopped faking everything when she turned 50. She said she used to put on this fake thing around people but she stopped with that.
Howard asked Maureen who she's voting for. She paused for a moment and said that she's leaning toward Obama. Howard asked her if she owns a vibrator. She said she does. Robin asked her how she and her husband keep it hot. Maureen said that they're very attracted to each other. Howard asked her why she vibrates herself. She said that if she's away from him she needs to do that. She didn't bring it with her on this trip though.
Howard told Maureen she was a lot of fun and he likes her. Gary said that she has to get going to another interview. Howard said it won't be as good as this one.
Artie asked Maureen if she was creeped out by the chick who played her in the movie. She said that she actually thought it was her when she was watching the movie. She said that the girl was so good that she forgot it wasn't her.
Howard wrapped up and gave Maureen another plug for her book before he ended the interview. Robin asked if she's totally sober or is it just the coke she can't do. Maureen said that she does drink. She said that she can have one drink and she gets tipsy.
Artie said that's what he should be able to do. Howard told Maureen not to talk to Artie because he doesn't need to hear that drinking thing. Maureen didn't know that Artie was a mess and he's trying to stay off of drugs and booze. Howard told Maureen that she's a bad influence on him. Artie said that Marsha Brady just told him that he can drink.
Maureen asked to go over and hug and kiss Howard. Howard told her to come right over and a kiss could be heard. Howard went to break right after that.
Artie said that he wants to bang Maureen so bad. He said he found her really sexy. Howard told him he should have gone for it because she was giving him that look. The guys talked about how creepy Ham Hands Bill was with his questions and that led to Howard saying that they should have him come in and interview people in the studio. Then he said that they should give him his own show on Howard 101.
Howard told Tim Sabean to set him up but they need people like Maureen McCormick to interview. Artie did his impression of Bill and said he loves that guy. Howard said they should give Riley's time slot to Bill if Riley doesn't sign a new contract. Howard finished up his commercial after that.
Howard came back and asked Fred if he thought Joe the plumber worked for John McCain last night. Fred said he doesn't think it did. He said that he doesn't give a fuck about Joe the plumber, he cares about his own family.
Howard said that Shuli was there with the news headlines. Lisa G is out in Los Angeles to cover the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable show tonight. Howard got in a plug for that and said that Natalie Maines is hosting the show. Gary said that he thinks that this might be the best show they've ever done.
Shuli said that they have a story about Jason and Mutt having no involvement in this show that's on tonight. He said that Mutt did post something on SFN about how they weren't even consulted on it. Jason was also challenging them to do a show every week like they do.
Shuli said they also have a story about Al Rosenberg and what Sarah Silverman said about him being loud at the wedding. Al told Shuli that he's never seen a more unhappy person at a wedding before.
Shuli also said that there was a roast for the Iron Sheik last week and a brawl broke out during that. Howard asked if they recorded that for them to air there. Shuli said he doesn't think so. Shuli said that Sheik was upset about a joke that Jimmy Graham did. Howard said that a roast is an insult type of thing so you have to expect there to be jokes you won't like.
Tim Sabean came in and said that they're going through the Gary roast and pulling out some of the people who bombed and they may not have a full hour of material. Tim said that there are also a lot of comedians who aren't very well known and they're not funny. Tim said they had about 30 guys doing the roast and Artie said that's really not fair to the comedians to have that many. Howard thanked Shuli and let him go after that.
Artie said that Maureen was over 50 and that made four people in the room that were over 50 and they all look better than the people under that age.
Another caller said that David Alan Grier was a great guest yesterday. Howard said he got a lot of e-mail about that and people did like him on the show. Howard read some of that and then read some other mail about the Sour Shoes prank calls. Howard played some of the prank calls to Steve Langford after reading that.
Robin and Artie were saying they like when Steve calls Sour Shoes ''Sour.'' Howard said Steve sounds kind of like Dean Wormer from ''Animal House.'' That led to Artie doing his impression of Dean Wormer after that.
Howard played a clip from Animal House where Dean Wormer was reading the grade point averages. That's the clip that Artie recites almost word for word.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that what they are producing on Howard TV is amazing. He said that they have the Ronnie Mund Show part 2 up there now. He said that he was giggling like an idiot watching it last night. Howard said that it's up for all of this month which they're calling ''Mundtober.'' Howard said that they have a meeting coming up next week and they'll be talking about more stuff that they'll be doing.
Dominic said that the quality is so good that they could be on DVD. Howard read the top 5 shows up at Howard TV. He said that the Ronnie show was number 2. The Yucko divorce show is number 3 and the Mexican Delivery Game is number 5. He said they have some great programming up there on Howard TV.
The guys ended up goofing on Dominic Barbara when he said goodbye. They were doing their impressions of his gurgling voice. Howard said he has to see Dominic in court doing his thing. He and Fred were doing their impressions and making it sound like he wasn't speaking clearly at all. Howard ended up just making noises that weren't even words.
Howard said that Jeff Schick was in there and wasn't even cracking a smile. He said that Jeff is from IBM and he figured he should be the head of the company by now. Howard said that the guy is great and he loves IBM. Jeff said that he does love the company. Howard asked Jeff if he would put his finger inside of IBM if he could. Jeff said he didn't know how to answer that.
Dominic Barbara called back and said that he does speak differently in the courtroom. Howard had also said that Dominic couldn't walk at the wedding. Dominic said that there were people telling him that he looked thin. Artie said that when he saw him selling weed to Sarah Silverman he looked very thin. Dominic said he wasn't selling anyone weed.
Howard told Bobo that if he loses he has to take his toupee off. Bobo said that he can't do the toupee thing. Gary said that they should be good seats too.
Bobo said that he knows some of their songs like ''Enter The Sandman...'' Gary told him that's not even the right title. Richard told him to brush up on it because he's going to have to guess what songs they are from his drumming on his ass.
Bobo said he hopes that no one is watching. He said that he would do it if he threw in $500 with the tickets. Howard wasn't going to do that so Bobo took him up on the offer anyway. Howard told Bobo they'll see him on Monday.
Robin said that she saw Tom Leykis out in L.A. recently and he wasn't looking so good. Howard said that Tom is actually a nice guy and that wasn't very nice of her to say.
Howard said he was looking over the sheet and saw that they have a best of XM package so they can hear the Oprah and Friends channel. He said that he wants to hear what's going on over there. Artie asked if he has to say that for the company. He didn't sound interested in hearing that.
Robin asked if they have gotten any calls from people who have signed up for the best of SIRIUS from XM subscribers. Howard said he's not sure.
Howard said that Tim Sabean gave him an XM portable receiver and asked him to listen to it. Howard said that he doesn't have time to do that stuff. He said that Tim wanted him to listen to it so he could hear himself on XM. Howard said that there's no difference, they're doing the same show.
Howard said that Tim wanted him to hear if the compression was okay over there. Howard said he started to open the package but stopped and wondered what the hell he's supposed to do with the radio. Tim said he just wanted him to hear what's going on there. Tim said that the first time he heard what was going on with XM it was exciting.
Howard told Tim that he doesn't need to hear that stuff. Tim said it's kind of cool to tune in and hear what's going on with their channels when he's at home. He said he's excited about all of that stuff. He said it's the newness that's fun.
Howard said they got an e-mail from the woman who came in who claims that she was scammed and told that she didn't have to show her labia. She said that she didn't screw them, she was scammed by the doctor's people.
Howard read some feedback about his mother's phone call and how she just had to complain about something that went on that day. Nothing went wrong so she had to complain about the questions.
Howard said that he got some mail about the Hackettstown discussion they had yesterday. Some people wrote in and told him that it's going to be at least an hour and a half from the city. Howard said ''Oy vey'' to that because he knows he's going to regret going to this wedding now. He said he's going to go even though it's so far away.
Howard said he's miserable about going now. He said that he was sitting in his house after his wedding and it was a lot of fun. He said that Jason is his guy and he's been working for him for a long time. He figured it wouldn't be that far away because someone told him that it was only 40 minutes away. He said he has to talk to Beth about this.
Jason came in and said that Howard shouldn't come. He said he doesn't want him getting miserable and complaining about it.
Fred said that he's not going to the wedding because his daughter has a birthday thing going on. He said that the party is that day and he's not going to try and make it to the wedding. Howard wondered why Fred couldn't make it out there for the wedding in the evening. Fred said he's just not going to do it.
Jason told Howard that he doesn't have to come if he's going to complain about it. Howard said he has to check with Beth about the long drive. The guys know that it's all up to Howard, not Beth.
Dominic called in and said that it might be best if he doesn't go. Dominic said that he should stay home because he knows how long the trip is going to take.
Jason told Howard that he doesn't want to make him miserable and said it won't hurt his feelings if he doesn't go. Artie asked if he would like it better if he didn't come and gave him $2,500 out of guilt or to come to the wedding and give him $1,000 instead. Jason said that he can do what he wants. Jason told Artie to tell him that he can't go.
Howard said he had Colin Quinn coming in so he had to take a break. He read through a little more mail about Fred's guitar playing yesterday and stuff like that. Howard said he wonders what horrible things are going on in Colin's life now.
Eric said that he wanted to know why he would pick up his line and not let him talk. Howard hung up on him again and went to break.
Colin was bleeding from his hand and said that he cut it on a broken glass. He said that he put hot water in the glass and it broke.
Howard asked Colin about going to fat camp because it didn't look like it made a dent. Colin said he lost 25 pounds. He said he ate wheat grass and crap like that. He said the place was more of a health food place than a fat camp. Colin said he learned about it on the internet. Howard said it's nice he started to do something constructive instead of having sex on the web. Colin said he gave that up a long time ago.
Colin said that he's been eating pretty good after losing the weight. He he lost the 25 pounds in about 3 weeks. He said he's working his way to where Robin is at with her diet. Artie told Colin that he'll be sucking cock soon if he keeps up the dieting thing the way he is.
Howard asked Colin why he didn't go to Afghanistan with Artie. Colin said he was banned from going over there.
Howard said he was surprised to see that Colin did a show with the Killers of Comedy. Howard thought that was beneath him to do shows like that. Colin said that Bob Levy is like the ringmaster now and he said he'd love to do local stuff. Colin said that he ended up staying at Levy's house for a few days when he had to do some promotion for a show they were doing. He was hoping he wouldn't have to travel doing local shows but that's not what it turned out to be.
Colin said that he had to drive in a car with Beetlejuice for 10 hours. He said that they went to pick the guy up and that was an experience. Colin said he wanted to go to the Iron Skillet to get some food but Bob wanted to go to Wendy's instead. He said that the place was full of gang members. Colin said that Beetlejuice usually falls asleep in the car on the way to shows.
Artie said that Sal is pissed that Levy has recruited Colin and Jim Florentine and cut Sal out of the show. Now they're calling it the Ultra Killers of Comedy.
Colin said that Levy is on the phone the whole time in the car doing business. He said that Bob is all business too. He said that he doesn't fuck around and he once told a guy that this wasn't ''Mary Popkins.'' Howard asked Colin if he's ever seen Beetlejuice shitting his pants. Colin said they were at a hotel one night and it was just about dusk. There were some bagpipe players doing their thing and some girls dancing to prepare for a show they were going to do. He said that Beetlejuice said that he wanted to eat their crummy pussies while this beautiful thing was going on.
Colin said that Beetlejuice gets very territorial in the car when you get in there with him. He said that he asks who the fuck that is when he gets in the car. Colin said that Beetle got into a silent stand off with a 10 year old kid at a soda machine one time. He said that he thinks that they made eye contact and the kid wondered what the hell that was.
Howard said that Colin has this nice career going on and then he's in a car for 10 hours with Beetlejuice. Colin said that he likes doing stuff with the guys from the show. Howard said it would appear that Colin isn't a snob.
Howard told Colin about the new Ronnie episodes they have on Howard TV this month and how great that's going to be.
Colin told Howard about doing this gig with Levy and Shuli. He said that Shuli did 45 minutes starting off the show. He said that was just too much. Colin said that Shuli was supposed to do 20 minutes and apologized for it but he didn't think he was sincere. Shuli said that he never goes over and it felt like he was only up there for 20 minutes. He said it's the first time it's ever happened.
Shuli said that Colin was going to blame him if he bombed. Howard said that you can't go up there and go on and on like that. He said they have to get to the comedians that the people are there to see. Shuli swore that he felt awful about doing that to Colin. Colin said he knows that Shuli didn't feel terrible.
Howard took a call from Beetlejuice (audio clips) who was yelling at Colin about what he just said about him. Colin said that he doesn't have anything bad to say about him. Colin tried to explain himself to him not knowing it was audio clips. It was going well until Beetlejuice bleeped himself.
Shuli said that Beetlejuice got pissed when he saw Colin selling some t-shirts at their gig. Beetlejuice didn't have any to sell so he got pissed at the promoter. Shuli said that he never goes over when he opens a show. He said that this was the first time he ever did it.
Shuli said that he was upset that they're using the Killers of Comedy name on the shows without him and Sal in them. Howard told him to go start his own Killers of Comedy shows then.
Shuli said that Jeff the Drunk has been calling him a lot because he's done some interviews with him lately. He said that Jeff will call back and ask him when the news segment is going to air.
Artie said that he gave Ass Napkin Ed his phone number and he's got some great voice mails from him. Colin said that he has High Pitch Eric calling him and asking him to call him back.
Howard asked Colin about when he last got laid. Colin was trying to tell some stories about what he's doing for work but Howard wanted to hear the getting laid stories. Artie said that it's probably easy talking girls into going back to the wooden shoe that Levy lives in.
Colin said that he last got laid about 2 months ago. Howard said ''Wow!'' to that. Colin said that he's been working hard on this other thing and he doesn't have a lot of sexual energy right now.
Howard told Colin that he probably should have invited Colin to his wedding. Colin told him that it was best he didn't. He said that the time he bombed at Robert De Niro's birthday party, it was at Le Cirque, the same place that Howard's wedding was at.
Howard said they had to take a break but Colin could stick around if he wanted to play the Mike Walker Gossip Game. Colin said he'd rather just listen to it.
Howard asked Colin who he's going to vote for. Colin said he's going with Ben Stern and hasn't decided yet. Colin said that he may vote third party because he doesn't like Obama or McCain. He and Howard spent a minute talking about that. Howard had to wrap up with Colin a short time later. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he missed the song and jokingly asked Fred to repeat it. Howard went on to say that he got a letter from the church that Mark Consuelos got his ordained minister thing from. They thanked him for using Mark in the wedding.
Robin wondered if they give a lifetime membership for that minister thing. Howard said that there used to be a lifetime membership at a gym that drove them out of business because no one ever paid after they paid that lifetime membership.
Robin brought up the presidential debate last night and said she doesn't think that McCain changed anyone's mind on him even though he did okay in the debate. She said that some people thought he was trying to get Barack all riled up and to lose it on the air. Barack ended up staying calm the whole time.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone to play his game. He said that he should have had Mike at his wedding. Mike congratulated him on the marriage. Howard asked Mike when he last saw his wife. Mike said it was about 2 months ago. Howard laughed and said that Mike is his hero. He wondered why he would stay away from her so long. Mike said he spent many years with his wife and work comes first.
Mike said that their lives are probably better now than they were when they were together every day. Howard asked Mike where he was and where his wife was. Mike is in L.A. and his wife is down in Florida. Mike said that there are so many people who know him through this show. Howard cut him off and asked what the guys think is really going on there. Artie said he has a lot of stuff going through his mind.
Howard said that if it's the gay angle, he doesn't buy it. Mike said that he would never have a marriage of convenience. mike said he'd just be out there doing it. Howard said he thinks that Mike has a ''don't ask, don't tell'' type of thing going on. He said that Mike probably has girls and his wife probably has dudes. Mike said that there are people who are very happy being alone and his wife has been asked if she wants to come out there but she wants to stay in Florida. He said she's got six acres down there and she's very happy there.
Howard asked Mike what's really going on. Mike said that he talks to his wife maybe once a week and goes out to visit once in a while. He said that they did all of that other stuff for years and years.
Howard asked Mike what he does when he's horny. Mike said he swears he doesn't have a girlfriend. Artie asked him if he goes to the happy ending places in L.A. Mike just said ''Ahhh... the happy ending places...'' Mike kept saying that he's Irish like that had something to do with it but no one understood how that had anything to do with getting laid.
Mike said that his wife wants him to work and to produce. He said that his wife is happy doing what she's doing down there. He said she's occupied and does art and sells that. He kept mentioning the ''6 acres'' down in Florida and told them about the fish pond and things like that.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked if the kids are Mike's or did his wife have them before. Mike said they are his.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that the Los Angeles Times has finally responded to his calls to them about their article about Howard. Howard said that they're basically saying that he's lost his influence since he moved to satellite radio. they're saying that satellite radio isn't happening and it reeks of NAB involvement. He said that they didn't get their way with the merger and they have this agenda to ruin satellite radio. Howard said that there's something weird going on there.
Howard said that people are listening to satellite radio and not listening to regular radio so the article just isn't right. Steve said that they claim that ''radio analysts'' looked into some stuff and Steve wants to know who these ''radio analysts'' are.
Howard said that they had 600,000 subscribers there when he started. They went up to over 8 million before the merger. He said that he had to be part of that surge. He said that they have more subscribers than David Letterman has viewers.
Steve said that Pittsburgh Pete is going to take Artie up on his offer to appear at his comedy show out in Pittsburgh. He thinks that he can be funnier than Artie in one minute.
Steve said that they have this Celebrity Superfan Roundtable show on tonight. Howard said he'll be listening to that tonight. He said that's appointment radio for him.
Howard anted to know when they were going to do the Ham Hands Bill show. He said he has a lot of ideas for that. He said that they have to have Bill interviewing people. He and Artie did impressions of Bill for a short time.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He went through his list of stuff and mentioned a few things that Howard talked about. Howard said that the great thing about satellite radio is that they can play those Ham Hands Bill song parodies and let him call in and asked Maureen McCormick about anal sex. When they were back at the old place they couldn't even play the Ham Hands Bill song parody anymore.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie about why he wasn't saying much to Colin during his interview. Artie didn't know what he was talking about. Howard said it was a waste of time and hung up on the guy.
Robin started off with a story about a survey that was done about the U.S. Government asking people if they knew anything about it. Howard said that he watches the FOX News channel and he loves to see them fight but he never knows what they're talking about. Robin read some of the questions that were on this survey and Howard knew a couple of the answers.
Robin had some news about anti-drug ads on TV. That led to Howard talking about how those ads can make people want to do drugs. He said that's what happened to him when he was in school and they had a guy come in and tell them about why drugs were bad.
Robin read a story about an 8 year old girl who got pregnant and gave birth. She had some audio of Donald Trump talking about how he thinks that Sarah Palin is very impressive and he's backing them. Howard said he's surprised to hear that.
Robin said that Ryan O'Neal is being charged with drug possession. He's claiming that the drugs were his son's though.
Robin read some news about Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce. She had some news about Linda Hogan wanting someone to ''whack out'' Bubba the Love Sponge. She apparently wants to see him dead since he's been launching attacks on her. Howard said that Bubba must love that. He said that he goes to bat for his friends. Linda put a Bubba gravestone on her front yard.
Robin read that there were 3 people in France who intentionally spread the HIV virus at sex parties they advertised on the internet.
Robin had some news about Ringo Starr's explanation for stopping the signing of memorabilia. He claims he was doing that for the fans that aren't ''real'' fans of his.
Ralph called in and told Howard that Beth is on Rachel Ray's show right now. Howard said that he forgot about that and he hopes that she records it for him. Ralph said they're showing some pictures from the wedding but they didn't put him on there.
Howard had to take a break around 10:10am. After the break Howard said that there was a newscaster who said ''cunt'' during a news report. He played that clip where this woman was trying to say contributor and stuttered over the ''cont'' part.
Howard wanted to play some of Beth's interview with Rachel Ray but he was having trouble getting the audio up. He eventually got it and let some of it play. He said that Beth was telling a story about the time he didn't jump into the water fast enough when their dog fell in one time. Howard tuned in just in time to catch the end of the interview.
Howard took a call from a guy who heard the dog story. Howard said he might ask her to retire that story for him. JD came in and said that Rachel Ray was the one who brought up that story. Howard said that Beth didn't have to tell the whole story though.
Another caller asked Howard if he's pissed that Beth is going out and making him look like a pussy. He said his old wife kept things under wraps. Howard said he should go home and tell her that his ex-wife kept things under wraps and see how that goes.
Ralph said that the dog story was great and Beth said some very nice things about him in that interview. He said that it was very loving and sweet the way she was talking about him. Ralph said that sometimes she yells when she's on TV and it's just not right. Today she didn't do that though.
Robin said that Ralph is so outspoken on the show but when he did his speech at the wedding he choked. He was hardly able to speak at the wedding. Howard said that Artie has no fear of going up in front of people like Ralph did. Artie said that's because he's fucked up, he's not normal.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read a story about Nancy Reagan going into the hospital after fracturing her pelvis. Howard said that when he gets old he's not going to do anything. He doesn't want to risk breaking anything like that. Howard said he wants to be built into one of those boxes like they used to use to steam the weight off of people.
Robin said that Playboy is stopping the production of DVDs. Howard said that's because they're lame. Robin said they're moving to online to save money. Howard said that they make the lamest videos where the girls are just running around. He said that he wants them to eat out someone or something.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and talked about Beth's appearance on Rachel Ray a little bit. She also said that she's working on trying to win the contest to go out with Artie in some contest that's going on.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about people who are putting pumpkin signs on sexual predator's doors showing that they have no candy there. Howard said that they shouldn't put a pumpkin up to do that, they should have a picture of broccoli or something. Howard said that's an asshole move.
Howard said that if he knew that sexual predators were hanging pumpkin signs on people's doors when he was a kid, he'd move the signs to other people's houses.
Robin read some news about the debates last night. She said that it was the last chance to see them going at it in the debates. She played some clips from the debates. She also had some audio of Arnold Schwarzenegger talking about Nancy Reagan.
Robin had some news about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. She had some audio of Angelina's father, John Voight, talking about how it was a surprise to him.
Howard had some audio from Al Jezera where they interviewed some people about Barack Obama. They had people saying that they were against Obama either because he was black or because he wasn't Christian. One guy said he's afraid that someone will try to hurt Obama because the tension is so high.
Robin had some news about Frank ''Lefty'' Rosenthal dying of a heart attack on Monday. The movie ''Casino'' was based on his life. They spent a minute talking about that guy and the movie.
Howard took one last call before he ended the show. The caller said that he runs a LLC and he's going to be advertising on his show soon and he thinks that article is a bunch of nonsense. Howard thanked him for that and ended the show a short time later around 10:50am.
Jon said that Maureen did Celebrity Fit Club and they weren't sure how she'd look today. Jon thought she looked pretty good today. Gary said that she still has a very beautiful face and a cute smile. He said she could stand to lose a couple of pounds but she still looks good. He said that it was weird to have Marsha Brady in there talking about anal and stuff like that.
Gary said one of his favorite moments was when Ringo Starr was on the show and Vinnie Favale was bothering him. He said that Ringo was bothered by the fans bugging him all the time but Maureen didn't seem to be bothered by it at all.
Gary and Jon talked about the kiss that Maureen gave Howard before she left. Gary said that she was digging him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he liked Maureen today. He was wondering about Artie though and what's going on with his therapist. He said that no therapist tells you to stay away from alcohol. Gary said that he thinks that Artie is kidding when he says that his therapist tells him it's okay to drink on New Year's Eve. The caller said he thinks that Artie is lying to them about all of that.
Gary asked the guy why he thinks Artie is lying. The caller said that he's always making up lies about stuff like he's been doing for a long time now. Gary said that Artie has been sober for like 27 days now. He asked the guy where he's seen him lie. The caller said that he just thinks that he's lying.
Gary said that he knows a guy who went to AA and doesn't drink anymore, but he smokes pot. He said that's a weird thing to go from drinking to smoking pot.
Benjy said that people are going to be suspicious of Artie the rest of his life because of what he's done. He compared him to a child molester so Jon said he's not sure that's a good comparison.
Another caller said that today's interview was great but the phone callers are just sounding like they're set up. Gary said that Howard gets a few words of what the people want to talk about but he doesn't know exactly what they're going to say.
Gary said that one guy called and got through a few times asking her to say the C-word and she actually said it. He said the whole office went ''Whoa!'' when they heard that.
Another caller said he enjoyed the interview today. He was also saying that he used to watch those old Brady Bunch shows when he was growing up. He said that he'd like to know exactly what she looked like. Gary said that everyone's memory of her is from when she was 12 to 18 but she's 52 now so she's not the same person. He said that she still looks good though. Jon said you can see that 18 year old in that face though.
Benjy said that there are blurbs from her book that say there were lesbian experiences between her and Eve but she was denying those today. The guys said that maybe someone mis-read that stuff or something.
Jon played a clip from the interview where Maureen was talking about being interested in black guys. The guys talked about Maureen getting into acting as a kid and how her father kind of pushed her into that. Gary said that it's a weird thing to take your kid and get them into something that has such a high failure rate. Gary said he's not sure he'd put his kids into a series or anything like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he liked the Maureen interview today and the David Alan Grier interview yesterday. He said that Gary made a comment about how he had to think about having Grier on the show and he was wondering what kind of people they actually turn away.
Gary said that they do research on their guests and they found some interesting stuff about him. He said that people can look good on paper but you have to see them in other interviews before you know if they're going to be good.
Gary said that they haven't really passed on anyone lately. They talked about how they turned down John Cusack one time and didn't think he was going to be that great. Then they put together a list of women he had banged and booked him for the show. Then Cusack canceled his appearance.
Gary said that when they book the show, they're not like Regis and Kelly or Letterman. He said that Howard doesn't care if they don't have guests and they don't need them on to make the show work.
Gary said that he went to an autograph signing with Stuttering John one time and Joe DiMaggio had a sign up saying what he won't sign. He had a whole list of stuff that he wouldn't do. Teddy said that maybe he should do that for Artie.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that they're dissing her town of Hackettstown when they don't even know it. Jon asked her how it's being dissed, they're just talking about how far it is from the city. She said that it's a lovely place and it's noting like Hoboken.
The woman said she's going to be cooking food for the wedding when it happens. Gary said that he can't wait to see her. She said that they're willing to keep Howard in the back room if he wants to escape the people at the wedding.
The woman said that she knows that there are going to be gawkers there. Gary said he thinks that he could walk into the wedding and pick her out of the crowd as one of the gawkers there.
Jason came in and spoke to the woman, Peggy, about the food they're going to have there. Jason said that the food they're going to have is the opposite of what Howard had at his wedding.
Gary said that they have to move along before people get upset about this conversation. Ralph called in and said that he grew up near Hackettstown and it is nice but it's pretty far from the city. He said that the traffic isn't like it is out on Long Island.
Benjy jokingly asked Jason if he's going to walk down the aisle to ''When I See Beth Smiling.'' Jason said he is. The guys talked about how Ralph made it to the list of best looking guys at Howard's wedding. Jason said that Ralph will shoot up to number 1 at his wedding because he's not going to have the same kind of people there.
Jason said that he was afraid that they were going to mention the name of the place where his wedding is being held. Jason said there are only two places in the town that do it. Jason said that they do everything there fresh in their own kitchen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he knows that the drive to Hackettstown is only 45 minutes away. He said he lives there and works in the city. Jason said that they have some great stuff in Hackettstown. He talked to that guy about that for a minute before Jon changed subjects.
Jon took a call from a guy who said this was way too much about the wedding. Jon asked him what he wanted to talk about. The guy kept talking about the wedding discussion though.
Shuli said that Steve was laughing about the prank call today but Jason said he thinks that it's all fake just to make it seem like he's okay with it. He said he thinks that Langford hates it but might like the air time he's getting. Shuli said that Steve has a good sense of humor but Jason found that hard to believe. They had to go to break after that.
One caller told Gary that he does a great job on the show. He asked Gary why they won't have Neal Peart on the show. Gary said he was just using his name as an example and he's not sure that they'd have them on the show or not. He said he's not sure if Howard would have him on or not. He doesn't think that Howard is a huge Rush fan and he might not think they're a band that everyone would know.
Jon changed subjects to Colin Quinn and played a clip from that interview where Howard was asking him about doing the Killers of Comedy show. After playing the clip Jon asked Shuli if he and Bob Levy have a feud going on now that Colin is on the Killers of Comedy thing. Shuli said that it's kind of upsetting for Bob to use the name that way. He said that Bob is changing the name to ''The Best Damn Comedy Show Period'' instead.
Shuli said that he and Colin is a huge fan of the show and they were on the phone talking to each other as Jeff the Drunk for 20 minutes putting him in different movies. He said that he felt really bad about going long at that one show that time that Colin was with them.
Jon asked Benjy what weight loss advice he gave to Colin. Benjy said he just asked Colin if he had gone to Pure Food and Wine to eat. He wasn't giving him any diet advice. Gary asked Benjy if he's actually lost any weight. Benjy said no.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Shuli if he's still going to do Miserable Men with Bob. Shuli said they're still doing the comedy shows together too, he doesn't have a problem with him.
The caller also asked what's going on with the roast of Howard. Gary said that they're still working on that behind the scenes and as soon as they have more, he'll let them know.
Ralph said that Colin Quinn has to be bummed out about doing shows with Bob Levy because he was a huge star and now he's doing that stuff. Ralph said he didn't mean any offense to the other comedians but Colin was a huge star.
Gary said that Colin is such a fan of the show that it might be fun for him to hang with Beetlejuice and those guys. Shuli said that Colin will let you know if he's upset about something.
A caller asked Gary if Jennifer Aniston was on the show as a Snapple girl at one time. Gary said that she was actually a Nutri-System girl back in the 1980s. He said that he got a letter in about 1991 telling him that it was Jennifer Aniston because they didn't know who she was at the time.
Gary said that he went back and listened to about 60 tapes to find that interview. He said he lucked out and found it and it really was Jennifer Aniston. He said they have about a 6 or 7 minute interview with her from back then. Gary said that he used to hit on the girls that would come in and he remembers looking at her and not bothering to hit on her. He said that there were much hotter girls who came in back then.
A caller asked if Jason would ''dis-invite'' Sal if Howard said he would be there at his wedding only if he did that. Gary didn't think that was a good question because Jason doesn't have a beef with Sal at all. Benjy thinks that if they did it off the air he would do that.
The caller was actually Pittsburgh Pete so they asked him about what he's going to be doing at the show Artie is doing out in Pittsburgh. Gary said that the minute long funny that Pete thinks he's going to do is going to be the longest minute ever. Shuli said that he's going to be in front of thousands of people who aren't going o like him and they won't let him be funny.
Pete said he has been studying the Artie roast and he's trying to learn how to deliver his jokes. He said he has his own material though.
The guys were back on the wedding talk again so Jon had to change subjects again. He took a call from a guy who said that he thought Artie came off as a real dick in his episode of ''Man Caves.'' Gary said that Artie was doing a character in that and he was just being funny. He said that he thought it came off funny on the show to him.
Gary said that he's not a funny guy himself but he didn't have a problem with them goofing on him when they show his episode. Gary said that it was 20 minutes of TV and they were actually there at his house for like 4 days. Gary said that Tony Siragusa even called him about a month later and asked him how things were going. He said the guy was really nice.
The caller asked if he could get a tour of the studio. Gary said yes at first but then Jason got upset and Gary told the guy no. He said that they're just too booked up with tours.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it sounds like Sal is trying to pick another fight with Artie after what he heard on the show yesterday. Jon said he doesn't think that's what he was doing. The caller was also saying that Gary is really getting gray on top these days. They had to end the show a short time later.