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Howard said that these wedding photographers are failed film makers or photographers and this is the kind of thing they have to do. When they see him, they get all excited and start taping. Gary said he saw that these guys were out selling tapes of his wedding and he wasn't too thrilled about it. Howard and Robin asked him how the guy got permission to do that. Gary said he gave the guy permission to use his image in the tape and that's why he ended up using the clips.
Howard goofed on Gary for letting the videographer use his tape. He was pointing out why that's so wrong. Fred went into his Gary Puppet impression and goofed on him about it for a few minutes. Howard said that Gary must have gotten a price break for letting the guy show his video in his clip reel. Gary said he didn't get a break at all. The guy was a friend of a friend and that's why he gave him permission.
Howard said that guy was at a wedding expo and no one would bother to go up to his booth if he didn't have clips of Howard Stern at someone's wedding. He had Gary Puppet repeating after him to say just how dopey he was.
Robin was making fun of Gary so he came in and went off on her a little bit. Howard continued to talk to Gary about what had gone on. Howard said that all roads eventually lead back to Gary. He had to take a commercial break so he tried to wrap things up.
Howard said that it was Ronnie's daughter in law who went to this wedding expo and saw him on this guys's display. Howard figured that Gary was out to get him or to make a few bucks by letting this guy sell his tapes. Jackie told Howard that they need to get the guy who creates stuff for Gary to make up something to wipe his sweaty upper lip. Gary was all nervous from Howard's lecture and he had some sweat beading up on his lip. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard introduced their mystery guest and had everyone in blindfolds so they wouldn't see who it was. Gary gave his first clue that he was a sports legend and Robin knew it was Mickey immediately. She said she recognized his voice and the clue that Gary gave her confirmed it.
Mickey went off on Howard for making him wait in the green room for an hour and a half. Howard started to read some of Mickey's stats since he didn't know all that much about the guy. He told Mickey that he doesn't know jack about sports because he was so uncoordinated as a kid. He said he was playing softball though so he was starting to get into it.
Howard told Mickey about playing baseball with his dad one time. He said he ended up hitting his dad in the nuts and that was the first and last time he played with him. Mickey told him he should have been a pitcher if that was the way he pitched.
Howard asked Mickey about his family and talked to him about his kids. One of his sons was 34 years old and still living at home. They talked about that stuff for a short time. Howard told Mickey that he'd be so proud of him if he were his father. He said they'd have the best time together.
Howard gave Mickey a plug for this new video he was promoting. He talked to him about some of the other things he's been doing lately as well. He went to the phones a little while later and let the fans talk to Mickey. Howard was afraid the fans were going to ask stupid questions but the fans were pretty good about not saying anything too dopey to Mickey.
Howard wrapped up with Mickey and said he had a good time with the interview. Mickey thanked Howard for having him on the show and said he had a good time there. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard introduced the couples when he started the segment. First up were Tony and Billy Sue. Billy Sue is only 19 years old. She told Howard her father approached her about playing the game. Tony told Howard he sees his daughter naked all the time because they go to the beach and skinny dip with a bunch of other people. Tony said he knows that it's just wrong to do what he's going to be doing. Tony said that Billy Sue didn't have a problem playing the game at all. Billy Sue said that her mother was out in the green room and she doesn't have a problem with it either.
Howard then introduced couple number two, Dwayne and Andrea. Andrea is 22 years old. She told Howard she doesn't have a boyfriend right now. Andrea said she heard the show and her father also heard it. She was kind of disgusted by the idea when she heard it on the radio but when her father told her the prize was $10,000 she said ''let's do it!'' Dwayne said he's seen his daughter nude recently and she keeps her private parts pretty well trimmed. Andrea said she told her mother about this and she's not too thrilled. Her parents are divorced so she was the one to tell her mother about it.
Finally they had Donald and Valerie. Valerie told Howard that she's just doing this for the money. Her father said this doesn't bother him a bit because he saw her naked as a baby. Valerie said her father has some vision problems but he denied that. He said he wasn't sure why she was saying that. Valerie, who's only 23, has 3 kids so she can use the money. Gary told Howard about that and wondered if they're all from the same father. She said her first two are with one guy and the latest one is with her fiancé. She said she asked her mother to watch her kids so she knows what she's up to today.
Howard got right into the game and asked the questions. Here's how it went:
A listener called in and asked if Howard was going to do anything else with the father/daughter teams. Howard and Gary said they weren't sure they wanted to see that. When Gary asked the losing fathers if they'd be willing to spank their daughters for $3,000 they said yes.
Today's ''It's Just Wrong'' is scheduled to air on E! next Thursday and Friday, October 24-25.
Gary made one last offer of $1000 for two of the daughters to kiss each other. Two of them went for it and Dwayne said it looked good. Billy Sue and Valerie were the two that kissed. Howard wrapped up ''It's Just Wrong'' after the girls did their thing.
In the clip we heard Howard introducing Ronnie Spector after she showed up a little late. He talked to her about the outfit she was wearing and how it wasn't quite as sexy as what she wore on Letterman. He also told Ronnie that Jackie went to see her when he was in 7th grade and she was the first one that he ''fantasized'' about.
Howard told Ronnie that they had written a song parody for her to sing that was to the tune of her song ''Be My Baby.'' Their song was ''Eat My Baby'' which came about after they read some stories about pit bulls killing some kids in the news. Howard was going to have her sing it but he spent a little more time talking to her about what she's got going on in her life.
Howard talked to Ronnie about her ethnic background for a minute and then asked if she would show what she had on under her pants. Howard said she gave him a peek at what she had going on down there. Howard asked to hear her new record. He checked out the album cover and said she looked good on there.
Howard sent up his harmonizer so his voice was really high. He wasn't able to take Ronnie and Robin off of it so they all had their voices up high. He eventually got it set up right thanks to Scott the Engineer. Once they were set up Howard sang the song to Ronnie so she'd know what they had in store for her. He sang the whole song and then had Ronnie perform it. Howard and Robin backed up Ronnie in the song ''Eat My Baby.''
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Ronnie before wrapping up the interview. He told her that he was 33 years old and she claimed that she thought that he looked younger. Ronnie actually performed the song for a second time to get it down even better.
In this clip Howard has Stuttering John come in with tape of his interview with Gregory Hines. That led to Howard talking about how he can tap dance just as well as any professional tap dancer. He got on some shoes and went into the bathroom to demonstrate. He was tapping like crazy as Fred was playing some music. Robin told him he just made a lot of noise and that was about it.
Howard played tape of Dieon Sanders hosting the Miss USA pageant and goofed on that for a little while. Howard and the crew noticed that Dieon's delivery is like the stereotypical black guy from the 1920's so they picked up on that. Howard wondered if he was high or something because he sounded so strange with his delivery. Howard was doing an impression of Dieon and goofing on almost every single word the guy said.
The guy has been talking to Stuttering John a little bit so he found out that the guy has OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He has to do things a certain number of times before he can continue the rest of his day. He spent about 5 minutes on the phone with Howard but wouldn't speak directly to him. Stuttering John had to relay the questions from Howard. He slipped a couple of times and answered a couple of questions from Robin and Howard. Robin asked him what would happen if he didn't call the show and do this. He responded ''..big zits...'' and went on to his ''I am Dr. Remulac'' rant.
He's not annoying, he just repeats himself constantly. Dr. Remulak said his thing a bunch of times real quick before hanging up so he could move on with his day. It was pretty damn funny.
The girls were also in to tell Howard how thrilled they are that Burger King now has a veggie burger available. They spent a short time talking about that and how healthy it is compared to a hamburger. The girls all said they try not to kill any living thing if it's possible. One of them said she wouldn't swat a mosquito if it was biting her. She said she'd blow it off. Some of the web sites they got plugs in for included PETA.org, LettuceLadies.com and GoVeg.com.
After the girls left Howard took a break. When he came back he asked Artie what he thought of the veggie burger. He said it wasn't that good. He said it was disappointing to bite into something that looks like a Burger King burger and have it taste like it tasted. Howard said he might like it because he doesn't eat red meat anymore. Howard said that it was Benjy who came up with the idea to threaten to kill stuff to get them to do things. Howard and Robin wonder what he's up to at his home.
Howard said when the PETA chicks were leaving they said they wanted to call an animal rescue guy to pick up the fish they had because they didn't want it killed. Artie told Howard they should see what they can get the animal rescue guy to do when he shows up. He suggested they try to get him to do some gay stuff.
Since they were talking about animals Gary said he heard that Robin has cat problems. First of all she has 7 cats in her home. She brought together her ''city cats'' and her ''country cats'' in her house and they don't get along. She said that she's had to go to the vet a few times because the injuries have been so bad. One cat had a broken leg and others have had bites get infected. Howard also asked her about her horses and if she still has them. She still owns Blaze but that's it. She keeps it out in New Jersey and hasn't ridden him in years.
That was it for today's Mammary Lane show. They ended it around 12:20pm.
In this segment we hear Gary telling Howard about their upcoming mystery guest and how they don't want to dwell on the problems they've had in their history. He said they're willing to talk about their history, but not dwell on it. Howard and the guys prepared by putting on their blindfolds so they wouldn't know who was coming in. Gary brought in the guest a short time later.
Howard and the guys tried to guess by smelling if it was a man or woman. Jackie Puppet (Billy West) let out a fart when Howard started sniffing. Howard then started asking questions trying to figure out who it was. They went around the room throwing out questions to the guest. If someone got a wrong answer, they'd move on to the next person. Fred was the first one with a yes answer but he wasn't able to figure out who it was. Howard figured it out a short time later.
Howard wondered what was so negative in his career that he didn't want to talk about. Pete said it was that IRS stuff he had some trouble with. Howard said he was going to bet it was Pete Rose. He told Pete they had to take a break and then they'd come back and figure out why he was there.
After an edited out break Howard came back and told Pete he looked good for his age. Billy went into his Jackie Puppet thing again and started goofing on Pete a little bit. Jackie Puppet also told Howard that his grandfather played with Pete, he was a bat.
Pete told Howard about playing sports as a kid and Howard told him that he was afraid to play sports because he didn't want other kids making fun of his small penis. Pete said that they probably would have made fun of him in school. Howard said even today he has to take a shower at home and not in the locker room.
Howard said that Pete is now a radio guy so he asked him about that. Howard didn't know all that much about Pete's history so he asked him if he was actually kicked out of baseball. Gary came in and said that Pete was managing a team for Marge Schott so that got Billy West doing his Marge Schott impression. She started to use the N-word with Pete and had Howard and the guys laughing. Pete told Howard that Marge actually didn't like anyone, it wasn't just a specific group of people.
Howard and Pete had some fun with Billy doing his Marge Schott thing but they had to have him stop after a while. Howard said that it wasn't really Marge Schott, it was an angry little man doing an impression of her.
Howard moved on to talk to Pete about his new radio show. Pete talked a little bit about that and also about his career and some of the things that are going on in baseball these days. They talked about how ridiculous salary caps are and how no one should be stopped from making money.
Gary came in and told Howard that Pete's co-host is pretty hot. Howard wanted to check her out so Gary brought her in a short time later. Michelle came in and told Howard that she's been in radio for about a year now. Howard did his DJ voice and goofed around with her a little bit. She ended up revealing that she wasn't wearing any panties.
Michelle told Howard that Pete lost his virginity when he was only 10 and also that women are all over him all the time. Howard spent a little more time with Pete and Michelle and wrapped up a little while later. Howard even gave Pete a little Hall of Fame picture that the guys had drawn up for him. They ended the interview a short time later.
After doing the bit Howard gave Ermey a plug for his show ''Mail Call'' which airs on the History Channel on Monday nights at 8pm. You can find more info at HistoryChannel.com. Ermey stayed in character through the whole thing and before leaving he went off on Artie and Howard again. He told Artie he was so greasy that it looked like he washed himself with a funnel cake. He also went off on KC again about being stupid. Howard gave Ermey another plug and talked to him a little bit about this show of his. He said he's having a lot of fun doing the show. Howard also told him how great he was in ''Full Metal Jacket.'' Ermey said that most of the lines he used in the film were written by him. Howard asked him if he ever does his Sgt. Hartman character in bed with his wife. He said he never got off on doing that, he likes to say cuddly things to his wife in bed. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that.
Howard moved on to talk to the other guys in the band. He spoke to Mike Einziger who they spoke about a little earlier in the show. He's Scott Einziger's cousin... Howard then spoke to Chris who plays the turntables. He also quickly spoke to Jose and Dirk.
The guys said that they have a check for the charity that Howard was collecting for. They said that they're donating $51,000 to the same charity and the check would be there in about an hour.
The band wanted Howard to sing along with ''Immigrant Song'' so Howard finally agreed to do it. He sang the crowing part where they go ''Ahhhhh Ahhhh Ahhhh Ahhhhh'' and pretty much ruined the song. The band said Howard did kind of mess up their timing with his crowing. They then performed their new single ''Wish You Were Here'' which is on their new album ''Morning View'' which just came out yesterday. That was a great performance that made up for the ruined Led Zeppelin song.
Howard thanked them for the big donation that they're making and then took some phone calls. Howard saw the band perform at a concert one time and said that they were great. The phone callers were saying the same thing.
After taking a bunch of calls Howard said the band will be appearing at Tower Records in New York City this evening at 5pm. You can find out more info at EnjoyIncubus.com. Howard also said that while he watched the band he thought about how he wasted his youth doing drugs and reading comic books when he should have been learning to play an instrument like these guys did. Gilbert Gottfried had a similar wasted youth. He sat around and watched old horror movies so now his talent is doing ''Dracula Gottfried.'' After talking about that Howard wrapped up the segment and took a break.
After the break someone called in and told Howard that the beginning of the ''Immigrant Song'' was screwed up. Howard said it was Scott the Engineer again. He said Scott forgot to hit a button when the band was starting to play so he hit it after they started. Howard said that he doesn't even argue with Scott anymore because it's pointless.
In the clip Howard and the guys were doing their Scott the Engineer impressions and goofing on his ''Chhhh'' sound that he makes when he talks. Howard said that K-Rock was looking for people to audition for DJ jobs there at the station and Howard wanted Scott to send in a tape. Howard also said that Elephant Boy should send in a clip as well.
Howard gave Scott some advice on what he could do for his audition tape and goofed on him for a few minutes. He told Scott he could do some cigarette stuff and have people tapping their packs together and stuff like that. He pretended to be Scott taking a phone call and taking requests. He said it would be the world's most dull show.
Everyone got in on the goofing. They were giving names of bands like Scott's Addiction, Alice in Chain-smoking and things like that. They were also making fun of that noise Scott makes when he talks. Howard wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip Howard was getting ready to contact Len from the dead. He went through a couple of other dead celebrities and then found Len Bias and did his black guy impression. Robin interviewed him and asked what had happened to him. He explained what he thought had happened to him and actually ended up making some Elvis references.
''Len'' talked to Robin about all of the people he had at his funeral the day before. He kept making reference to the lump on the back of his mama's neck which was the Elvis reference. Howard was screwing up words and going a little overboard with his impression of the guy. He came out of the trance he was in and went into his Elvis impression. Then he snapped out of it can came out of it completely.
Howard took some phone calls and the people calling in didn't sound so thrilled with the bit. One guys said it was just okay and another guy didn't think they should be making fun of the guy. He said that they should give it some more time before they goof on a dead guy. Howard and Robin said that they might have to wait a little longer than 5 days from now on.
Howard told Fred that he would have no career without him. Fred asked him where the insult was and got pissed within a few seconds. Howard then moved on to Gary but backed off because he knew it was going to upset him so much. Gary wasn't sure if he wanted Howard to go there with him. Howard said that Gary cheats on his wife but Gary said that's not right and did get pissed that he said that. He asked Howard to take it back so he did. Howard said he was pissed because Gary thought he knew him so well that he could predict what he was going to say to piss him off. He wrote down that he predicted Howard would say that his wife Mary hates him, that he's pussy whipped and that he watches the kids too much. Howard said Gary is immune to that stuff though so he didn't go that direction.
The guys wanted Howard to get Stuttering John pissed off in once sentence but he said it's too easy to do that. He didn't want to keep going with that stuff. John came in a short time later and said that they have a guest on the phone. He seemed to be avoiding Howard getting him pissed off.
While they were talking to Scott KC reminded Howard of a game they had to play. Howard had a guy on the phone so he told him about the game. KC said there's this porn star by the name of Michael J. Cox who is writing a book about having sex with straight guys. He made an offer to any straight guy who wanted to have sex with him. He said he'd give that person $250,000. The guys decided to ask some people if they'd be willing to do that for that amount of money. One of those people was Scott the Engineer. Howard told the guy on the phone that if he guessed the answer correctly he'd win $500. They taped his answer so they played it for the game. At first Scott says ''You guys have to be kidding..'' but soon says that he would take it up the ass for $250,000. The guy on the phone didn't get the right answer. They had a couple of other people they asked so Howard let him play for them. Jeff the Drunk and Gary the Retard were up next. Everyone knew Jeff would say ''no'' to that and they were right. Gary the Retard, on the other hand, was a different story. KC had called Gary and asked him if he'd let a guy violate him for a quarter of a million bucks. Gary thought about it and said he really needs that money. After talking to KC for a couple of minutes he said that he would be willing to do it even though it would be weird because he's never had sex with a guy before. Everyone seemed pretty surprised at his answer.
Howard spent a couple more minutes goofing on Tom but then started talking to Scott the Engineer about this gay sex thing and whether or no he was serious about it. Scott said that he would do it right there in the studio if they came up with the money. Howard took that as a challenge and started talking about doing a pay-per-view event surrounding the concept. He said they could find a guy who ram Scott in the rear and they'd pay him the $250,000. The guys were all talking about how they could do the pay-per-view and Scott seemed to be changing his mind. He thought they were just going to do it right there in the studio, not on TV. Howard said they should get Ron Jeremy to do the banging.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard's radio station has to let him do it because it's an equal rights thing. Tom doesn't want him doing it there in the studio so he'll have to find somewhere else to do it. During all of this Fred was playing wrestler Goldust clips where he goes ''Oo, oo, oo'' and other odd sounds. He also played some fart sound effects. Howard described to Scott what he was planning and told him he could take it or leave it. They're going to make a whole party out of it. Artie said he'd do his impression of Brian Johnson and do the intros for the special. The sex is only supposed to last 2 minutes. Scott told Howard he'll do it. Howard asked Tom if he wanted to be part of it but he kept saying ''no'' to him. Howard said he won't do it there because Tom won't get them a sponsor. Howard said he thinks that Tom is prejudiced against gay people.
Stuttering John wondered who gets to pick the guy who's going to bang Scott. Howard said that will be part of the special. The first part of the show will be them picking that guy. Artie said he had 2 words for him... Mark Harris. Howard asked Scott if he thought his wife would let him do it. No one thought she would. Fred played some Mark Harris music clips and played the ''Uh, uh'' sound effects Goldust the Tourette's guy.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he could make this happen on DirecTV with just one phone call. Howard told him to go ahead and do it. Howard was still thinking that Scott's wife wouldn't allow it. Scott said he's already a laughing stock so it doesn't make any difference. A listener called in and said he has ''9 inches of Conga'' to offer up. Howard put him on hold to let him be part of the selection process. Scott was getting upset that they were changing stuff. Howard said he was shocked that he was even agreeing to do it in the first place. Gary was ready to put money on whether or not Scott's wife would say ''no'' to him by tomorrow. The guys also wondered what his son would think of this and how it would effect his school life. They all had fun thinking about what might happen after he does it.
Tom said he won't even watch this special if it happens. Howard wondered if anyone would tune in to see Scott get it in the rear. KC told Scott that this was very gay and he'd never do anything like that. Howard had Scott DePace come in because he seems a bit homophobic. DePace said he has a price that's not quite as high as some of the guys were saying earlier. Gary said he might do something like that for a billion dollars but nothing less.
Howard took a call from Double A who said it sounded like the best Las Vegas show ever. Howard said he's not sure he's going to do this at that time though. Double A said that no amount of money should turn a guy into a homo. Howard's buddy Ralph called in and told Scott that Stuttering John got $100,000 just for boxing. Ralph said he will definitely watch the special though. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a while.
After the break Howard continued the discussion. A caller wondered what happens if Scott backs out before the two minutes is up. Howard wasn't sure how they'd handle that. Howard said he's going to call Artie ''Brian Johnson from now on and he can just yell out ''Fire'' like he'd been doing all morning. Howard wanted to call Scott's wife before getting to Doug E. He called and left a message for her to call him back. He told her he found a way for Scott to make $250,000 in two minutes. He moved on to Doug E the Limbless Rapper after leaving the message.
Ronnie the Limo Driver says there's absolutely no way Scott's wife will let him do this thing. He came in and reminded everyone that his wife didn't even want him to go to a NASCAR driving school. Howard asked Scott if this is something he's thought about trying before. Scott said he never has thought about it. He said it's a one time thing. Fred kept throwing in the Goldust Tourette's sound effects which sound kind of like a guy having sex. Howard said they should also have a live audience for this thing. Scott started to get upset about ''changes'' again so the guys thought that maybe his wife had gotten hold of him. Scott started to say that he needs more money to do this if it's for pay-per-view. Howard told him the deal was off but after some discussion they both changed their minds. Howard reminded Scott of what he agreed to earlier. Ronnie told Howard that Scott must have gotten ''the phone call'' from his wife. Scott said he really didn't. Ralph and Vinnie Favale called in to talk to Scott about what he was going to be doing. Howard told the guys he didn't want to try and convince Scott to do anything He just wanted Scott to do what he wanted to do.
Scott's wife Robin called in to talk about this. She didn't know what was going on so Howard explained it to her. When she heard the dollar amount, she said she didn't have a problem with it! She said the money goes right into her pocket when he gets it. She said if he ever has to go for a hemorrhoidectomy, she wouldn't be there for him. Howard then asked Scott if he was in. Scott said he was in and ready to do it. Howard said he'd make some calls today and get back to Scott by Friday. The guys asked Scott how much more money it would take to get him to do this ''bareback.'' Scott said the other guy has to wear a condom, he's not going to let him go in without one. Howard and the guys goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Stuttering John said there's this thing called a Houdini where the guy would spit on Scott's back before he was done and when Scott turns his head to look back, the guy finishes in his face.
Howard said it's going to be a tough call to make today when he calls his agent. He said it's going to be tough to tell his agent he wants to do this with his career.
Scott's wife called in again and said the other guy has to wear a condom. The guys continued to talk about this whole thing and goofed on Scott for a few more minutes. They were trying to figure out the logistics of the whole thing. They wondered when the 2 minutes would start and stuff like that. Howard said he had a name for the pay-per-view event... ''Jungle in the Bungle.'' Fred said they could call it ''Rumble in the Bunghole'' and Artie said it could simply be ''Scott Gets Banged.''
Howard went on to talk about the Scott the Engineer thing. He said he put off the call to his agent because it was embarrassing. He said he hoped that Don would heard about it from someone else before he called. Howard explained what happened with Scott again and said that Scott sees it as 5 years of salary for him. Howard said everyone he talked to said they would pay for it on pay-per-view. He figured he could do it right there in the studio. He said they're not going to see the action going down. He just wants to see Scott's face as it's happening. Howard said they probably show more on HBO's ''Queer as Folk.'' Robin said they showed hands going toward bulges in the latest episode of that show. Howard said it would be considered ''soft core'' at the most if they do it. Howard and Robin tried to figure out if it's really soft-core or not. Robin said in real pornos there may not be actual insertion. Howard said in some porn there probably is insertion that you just don't see.
Howard said he laid out the whole special for his agent Don Buchwald. He said it would start off with a name like ''American Anal'' and they'd introduce the show saying that America would be voting to see who would give a straight man anal sex. He explained the whole concept to Don and described that conversation to us. Artie would be doing his Brian Johnson impression. Scott the Engineer's wife and son would be in the front row of the crowd. He said they'd have Mark Harris do the National Anthem and then they'd pick the guy who was going to give Scott the anal. They'd tally the votes and move on to the main event with Michael Buffer doing the announcing. Scott would be behind a curtain and we'd see his face during the two minutes worth of anal sex he's going to take for the $250,000.
Howard said he doesn't believe that Scott would actually do that. Buchwald said he got a call from the pay-per-view people and were wondering what they had up their sleeve. Vinnie Favale called in and said that he spoke to some people and they have no problem with the idea. He said they'll even show the penis judging if they want. The pay-per-view people apparently said that they don't know how to market this thing so it would be up to Howard to do all of that. Howard said he would go on Leno and Letterman to market it if has to. He said they'll also give Howard a better cut of the pay-per-view money instead of the 50/50 they usually do. This is for DirecTV so Howard wondered if everyone would be able to get it. Vinnie said they have 11 million subscribers. Howard isn't sure if he wants to do that or go with cable. Vinnie said he has to do it now or it'll never happen. Vinnie said the woman he spoke to said it was very interesting and she could take it to her bosses. Vinnie suggested that Howard sell the special to Showtime after the pay-per-view. Howard said he'd even sell it to Showtime to start with because everyone would be able to get it that way. Vinnie said that this isn't a big deal for gay guys who do this every day but for people who aren't gay, ''Wow! This is a big deal!''
Scott the Engineer came in to talk about this so Howard said he'd better not find out that he's been having anal all along. Scott said there's no anal going on with him. Howard asked him what happened with his wife when he went home. He said she has no problem with it and the money is already spent. Howard asked Scott what happened when he got home. He said she wondered what happened and he told her what was going on. Howard wondered if she's just completely bored with him and that's why this isn't a big deal. Howard also found out that Scott's wife explained to their son about what was going to happen. Scott said she explained the whole thing to him and he thought it was going to be a strap-on. She explained that it was being done for the money and they really need it. Scott said that his son suggested that he do the 2 minutes for $250,000 and for every minute after that he gets another $100,000. Howard said the two minutes is plenty. Gary came in and said that he really doesn't know Scott after all of these years. He also said that Stuttering John said ''Scott's family is like The Munsters.'' Howard told Scott he just has to get the pay-per-view people to go along with it. He said he might have to take out insurance just in case Scott backs out. Scott told Howard that he'd like to offer his bald forehead for advertising. He said he'd auction off that space. Howard said Scott may enjoy this so much that he'd want to keep going for free after the two minutes.
Howard explained how this all came about with the game that KC played yesterday. KC interviewed Scott, Gary the Retard and Jeff the Drunk about whether or not they'd be willing to take anal from a guy for $250,000. Jeff the Drunk was the only one who said he wouldn't do it. Howard replayed the tape of Gary the Retard saying that he would do it. He'd played that one yesterday as a game. Gary only agreed to do it because of the money. Gary kept saying that he never had sex with a guy before. Robin wondered if he's ever even had sex with a woman. Howard said he doesn't think he has had either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard should do this thing down in Atlantic City as a live event. Howard said that way he wouldn't have to do it as a pay-per-view event. Howard said he could video tape it and sell it as a video afterward. Howard said he could do it when they go out to Vegas in April. He said he needs a big stadium to hold it in. He needs a 70,000 seat stadium for this. Gary said that Giants Stadium holds 78,000 or so. Upstate there's a stadium that will hold over 100,000 people. Howard said he should just rent out Giants Stadium for a day to do this. Gary said that's exactly the way to go. The stadium is outdoors so even if it rains they're going to do it.
Gary said Tom is bummed out about the whole thing and thinks they're talking about it too much. Howard told Tom to shut up and that he still doesn't know what radio show they have on the station. Howard wondered if they could mike the stadium correctly for something like that. He said they'd have the place echoing for every sound. Howard said he'd like to get Marv Albert down there to announce for them.
Wayne Siegel from Legend Porsche Audi called in and said he'd take out some sponsorship on the event. Howard said they could hide some keys inside Scott and do a whole promotion around that. Gary Garver called in and told Howard that there is a stadium out in Vegas that holds 35,000 people. He also told Scott he's nuts to do this. Scott said there was no stadium until 2 minutes before then. He said Howard just keeps making it bigger and bigger. Stuttering John wondered if Scott can get drunk before this event. Howard told him he has to be straight because he doesn't want him coming back and saying that he was raped at a later date. Howard wondered how Scott's son is going to handle this in school. Scott said his son can handle himself and anyone who approaches him, he can take care of.
Stuttering John asked Scott if he's ever had a colonoscopy before and how painful that was. Scott said he has had them. Howard told Scott this is someone doing that repeatedly. Howard said some women do it so how bad could it be? Howard said women don't have prostates though. He wondered what would happen if Scott orgasmed because his prostate was being hit. Scott didn't seem to be worried about any of that.
Artie said he and John shared a cab yesterday and laughed their asses off for a few minutes about the whole thing. Howard said he was walking around all alone laughing his ass off. Scott said he really doesn't think this is a big deal. Everyone else does. John and Gary said their wives are wondering what the hell is going on with the show when they hear stuff like that. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard says he's not giving up on the pay-per-view thing and he is looking into getting Giants Stadium to host the event.
After the break Howard talked about what Tom yelled at KC about. He was upset about KC calling Gary the Retard and Jeff the Drunk about the anal stuff they've been talking about for the past couple of days. Howard said he's pissed that Tom is yelling at these guys who he's been telling ''You're doing a great job.'' Howard said he told KC to just ignore everything Tom said to him. He said it's ridiculous that Tom is taking his people and talking to them without him around. Howard said Tom was also busy with secret messages to people and he's pissed about that too. He talked about how Tom is always saying he's his own man but when they ask him about something, he says that Mel is the one turning it down. Howard said Tom is all over the place and that's why he was turned down for a promotion recently.
Howard said he just wants to end this and leave the company or get rid of Tom. He said the guy is out of control and he doesn't know what to do. He said that Tom should be coming to him to talk about stuff instead of going to the other people on the show.
Tom called in to talk about what was going on. He said that he didn't take anyone into his office behind Howard's back. Tom said he was complaining about an edit in the phone calls. Howard said Tom is upset about what he did with those phone calls, not what was in the phone calls. Tom also said that he didn't ''yell'' at KC. He said he didn't raise his voice at all. Howard said he heard that he yelled at KC for a half hour yesterday. Tom got fed up with Howard's arguing so he got off the phone. Howard continued to talk about it and said that he was praising KC for the bit he did during a meeting after the show. Then Tom took him and complained. Howard spent some time complaining about Tom and Gary came in and said KC is upset because he didn't think this was going to be on the air. Howard and Gary discussed how Tom is useless to them. Howard said when his people stop being creative, they're done. He said that's why Tom is so useless, he's not creative. Howard said KC isn't the out of control person because he's not the one who took that bit and made it into what he made it.
Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on David Letterman. He said Tom wants him to do something like that instead of the edgy show he does. He said he's just going to sit there and wait for Tom to tell him what to do from now on. He was waiting for the phone call from Tom to tell him what the ''other stuff'' is that he wants him to talk about on the show. Howard said Tom has no idea what it takes to make the show what it is. Howard moved on to talk a little bit about the Scott the Engineer pay-per-view thing. They've heard that people can't even look at Scott in the halls because they know what he's going to do. Gary came in and said he can't look Scott in the eye anymore because he's ashamed for him.
Gary said he called Paul Fishbein from Adult Video News for suggestions on who would do Scott. Gary said he gave him a couple of suggestions. Stuttering John came in and asked if Howard thinks Scott is dying and this is his way to go out. Howard said he doesn't think that's it. He said that he thinks perhaps Scott has been a swinger all of these years and he's been doing this kind of thing all along.
Howard said he knows that Tom is going to ask him to meet with him today but he doesn't have the time. Gary said it's funny when Howard has to run out and hide from Tom after the show.
Howard and Gary said Tom is a great guy outside of the show. Howard said he is a little bit odd because he made a pact not to masturbate anymore after surviving his battle with cancer. Howard and the guys goofed on Tom about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard said Scott is ready to do this thing. He said he doesn't want to do it but he will do it for the money. Stuttering John said it's not ''life changing money.'' He said Scott is just going to put an addition on his house and buy some furniture. John also said that Scott isn't going to have any say over what happens to the money either.
Scott the Engineer came in and the guys asked him what he was going to do with the money. He said he's not sure right now. Stuttering John was laughing at him the whole time they were goofing on him. Howard asked Scott if he'd have a problem with a black dude, by the name of Lexington Steel, doing him. Scott said he doesn't really care either way. Howard said they had a little party after the show yesterday and Crazy Cabbie made the suggestion for Lexington Steel. Howard said Cabbie is swearing off gay sex but in the past he's done stuff like that. Howard said Scott has a blank look on his face when they ask him about this stuff. Scott just wondered what else he's supposed to do.
Scott said that he might do some training before this event. John said they have to get tape of that but Scott said that would cost another $100,000. He's going to start putting crap up there himself to condition himself. Howard said after he does that they should cancel the event. Howard and the guys goofed on Scott about what might be happening when he's conditioning himself. Howard did his Scott impression and talked about putting cucumbers up there. Gary told Howard that Gay Ramone calls him every day and asks to be the one who does Scott. Howard wondered if Scott will let anyone do him before then to make sure it works. Scott said there will be no practice with guys. Stuttering John offered an extra $1,000 to Scott if he tongue kisses the guy. Scott said that's not happening. Howard threw in another $5,000 but he still wasn't having it. He said he might do more stuff for the same amount of money he's making on this event. Howard and the other guys said they really wouldn't do this stuff for 10 times the amount of money Scott is going to get.
A listener called in and asked if they're going to have a doctor on staff during this event because Scott may need stitches after it. The caller was a truck driver and all of a sudden he honked his horn and yelled at a driver in front of him. Howard said you never want to get in the way of a truck driver. He told the guy he should go take some more speed and get off the phone. That led to the guys talking about some of these nuts out on the road. Gary said he had a guy who was tailgating him flashing his brights at him. He got out of the way and did the same to him but then the guy in front of him slammed on his brakes. Gary said he was fishtailing all over the road after that.
Dominic Barbara called in and talked about the pay-per-view for a few seconds. Howard said he had to go into a meeting with Scott to make sure he absolutely wanted to do this. He said Scott didn't seem thrilled about it but he was going to do it because he needs the money. Dominic said it would be funny if all of the guys dressed up as women for the event. Howard and Fred started goofing on Dominic's voice for a few seconds. Stuttering John and Artie were placing bets on whether or not Scott will be able to finish the full two minutes. Howard had the guys do a search for this guy Lexington Steel to see how big he is. It turns out the guy is about 13 inches. Howard had a ruler and showed Scott just how big the guy is. Scott's reaction was ''OWWW!'' Howard measured some stuff that he had laying around just to give Scott an idea. He measured a Poland Spring liter and a half bottle and said it was 13 inches long, just like Lexington Steel's penis. After playing with that for a couple of minutes Howard took another break.
Howard took a few phone calls about this and people seem to be glad that this is finally going to be behind us. Scott said his son's school thing was really the topper to the whole thing. Howard said Scott is the worst story teller and he'll never tell a good story. Howard said Scott doesn't know what's funny about his life and just can't tell a story. He said he's the world's most boring guy. Scott finally broke down and started telling Howard some stories about calls he got. He said a guy from his bowling league called and asked him what he was doing and if he was out of his mind. Howard said it was like pulling teeth with him to get a story out of him. Howard said it must have been a good story but he's not talking. Howard and Robin figure it was Scott's wife Robin who called it off. Scott said that's not true though. Robin said that she and Fred figured out that there's something broken inside Scott. Howard said he really is a broken man. He talked to Scott about his wife for a short time too. He said Scott is the one making the money for the family so he suggested that he get his wife to go to work also.
A caller asked if Tom Chiusano finally got to Scott and that's why he's bailing out. Scott said Tom didn't get to him and he'd tell Howard if that were the case. Another listener asked if they could get Gary the Retard to do this instead of Scott. Howard said it's just not the same with a retarded guy. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Scott should be penalized for this because he got everyone revved up for the event and then backed out. Stuttering John came in and said he was really looking forward to the event. He said Scott knew this was going to happen from the beginning and should have stuck with it. Howard said John and Ronnie were right. He said he spoke to Scott last week to make sure he was going to go through with this. He said he was good even as late as last Friday. KC came in and said that Ronnie won't hang out with Scott anymore because he was going to do this anal sex thing. Gary said that Scott would have done this without any outside intervention. Ronnie said Scott's wife won't even go out with he and his wife anymore. Ronnie said he can't even go to a race track with Scott because people would kill them. Ronnie said he was upset that Scott was going to do it in the first place and then he was pissed that he backed out on it. Howard said he got weirded out when he saw Scott first thing this morning. He didn't even know that he was backing out at the time. He said it's just weird to see Scott after he agreed to do it. Howard said his agent had made calls to the pay-per-view people. They weren't too thrilled with the event and said they couldn't promote it because of the content. Howard said that wasn't really a problem for him though.
A listener said that he guesses that it's back to watching Artie race Howard's dog Bianca. Howard asked Scott if he had started preparing for this event by sticking stuff up his ass. Scott said he never made it that far. He bailed out before that.
Howard said he got more positive e-mail about that pay-per-view thing than anything else. He said people thought it was going to be the greatest event ever. Scott said that perhaps this shows that he's not gay like everyone was thinking after he agreed to it. Howard had to take a break after talking about that.
Since this segment went so long and covered so much of that week in March of 2003, I just cut and pasted everything I had on Scott that week. As of about 12:20pm today, the show is still running. I will post an end time later today. I'm assuming they're going to stop the show after playing all of this Scott stuff.
UPDATE: Today's Mammary Lane wrapped up around 12:55pm.
One of the first bits they played was a Black History Month bit where Billy did his Larry Fine impression. After that we heard from Billy West who said a few words about his voices and how they just came naturally for him. Billy said he would always test himself to see how far he could go with those voices and people always asked him not to do them when he was growing up. He said he was born to do that shit and there was no way around it.
The next bit they played was the ''Hill Street Jews'' in which Billy did a bunch of various voices. He did the voices of a black woman, a black man, a Jew, Mayor Dinkens and others. After that we heard Billy doing his Frank Sinatra impression talking to Sammy Davis Jr. on his death bed. The Sammy impression was Billy choking and gagging.
Next up was a bit called ''As the Barbecue Turns'' which was a bit about Mayor Dinkens getting sworn in. Ted the Janitor and Janie the Cleaning Lady were also in the bit. Billy was the voice of Mayor Dinkens and Rudy Giuliani. After that they played a movie parody called ''Kathie Jew's Baby'' in which Billy did the voices of Kathie Lee Gifford and Frank Gifford. Fred played the part of Regis Philbin.
After those bits Robin had a few words to say about Billy. She said they could ask him to do just about anything on the show and he would put all the effort in the world into doing the bits. Howard and Gary had a few words to say about him as well. Gary said that Billy had a weird ''Iron side'' Raymond Burr voice that he did and talked about how great that voice was. He said Billy would also come up with all kinds of references that he would throw in that made it even better.
That led into an old clip from a Stern Show where Robin was reading her news and Billy was doing a gay voice with Howard as Robin was talking about a gay wedding thing in the news. Howard and Billy were playing off each other throwing out a bunch of goofy lines. Billy eventually started doing that Raymond Burr impression that Gary was talking about. Billy had Howard laughing as he was doing that impression. Billy, Howard and Fred were all doing their Raymond Burr impressions and throwing out all kinds of gay jokes. Howard cracked himself up reading some of the lines Jackie was writing for him. He was playing the part of Raymond's gay lover. Howard and Billy continued to do their impressions during Robin's news even after changing subjects for a short time. Fred and Billy were both doing their Burr impressions. Robin started to question them as if they were guests on the show. She got back into her news while they continued to goof around with their impressions. Howard would get Billy right back into the impression after asking him a question. As Howard was ending the show that day Billy, as Raymond, was talking about the other gay people who were up in heaven with him and how that stuff even goes on up there. Fred was also throwing in a few names.
After that clip was done, we heard another news segment where Howard and Robin were talking about Ellen Degeneres coming out of the closet. That led to Billy doing an impression of her as a female Jerry Seinfeld. He also went into his Raymond Burr impression once again after that. He was throwing in a bunch of gay comments during that segment. Howard questioned him as if he were a guest in the studio. Billy almost lost it and started laughing after trying to get out a line about having to go pick up his prom dress.
Billy said he was working in radio in Boston at the time he got the job on Howard's show. He was addicted to drugs and even spent some time in jail. He said he was working up at WBCN when someone sent him a tape of this guy Howard Stern who was working down in Washington DC. The guy he was working for wanted him to recreate the bit so they could do it on the air there. Billy refused to recreate the bit so the guy threatened to fire him. Billy said he gave him his notice after that. We then hear from Gary who said that they were told that they were going to be hiring Billy to work at the station and they could utilize him for voices. Scott the Engineer also said a few words about that. Billy said when he started he was involved with ''Ren and Stimpy'' and ''Doug'' and wanted to get out of radio. He said his wife convinced them to let Billy come in 3 days a week so that's what he did for a while. Billy talked about doing his Lucy impression as she was dying and remembered hearing Gilbert Gottfried laughing his ass off on the show while that was going on. He said that's how he ended up getting involved with the show.
Gary said that he remembers the time they had al Michaels on the show and Billy's impression was so good that it was hard to tell which one of them was talking. That led into a clip from a show where Billy did his Al Michaels impression. Howard was trying to get him to repeat some lines he was doing during the break but Billy couldn't remember what he had said. They brought the real Al Michaels a short time later. They then had dueling Al Michaels' going back and forth. The real Al would have to tell people that he wasn't the voice people were hearing when Billy would make comments about him that weren't true.
Howard and Al spent a few minutes talking about various things while Billy kept quiet. Howard talked to Al about a bunch of various things including his friends Frank Gifford and Kathie Lee Gifford. Al told Howard that he's going to try and mention his name during the various sporting events that he'd be hosting that year. He said he was even going to try and name one of his horses ''Private Parts'' but that was already taken so they couldn't use it. They were talking about Frank Gifford so Billy did his impression of him getting upset about them bringing up his name on Stern's show. He also did a Kathie Lee impression.
Billy started to do his Al Michaels impression and said some nasty things about Ted Harbert who was working at ABC at the time. Al and Howard spent some time talking about Al's wife and how she was getting older but he has a good marriage. He said that he understands that people are going to change over the years. Then Billy started throwing in some comments about Kathie Lee Gifford in his Al Michaels voice. Al talked about where he lives and how he enjoys his life. He said Hal Linden lives across the street from him but he's only seen him once and it wasn't even in his yard. They had an earthquake one time and no one in the neighborhood came out of their house except he and his wife.
Howard talked to Al about playing golf and Billy came to life as Al again and said that when he hits the ball, he pictures it as Giff's face. He also threw in another line about Ted Harbert and sounded very much like the real Al Michaels. The real Al tried to change subjects so he could avoid getting into trouble with Billy's comments. Billy did a little more of his impression and made some comments about various people that Al knows trying to get him into trouble. Howard told Al that he's his favorite. He gave him some plugs and Billy threw out a few more lines about Giff and stuff like that.
After those interviews they went into a segment from an old show where Billy came in as Marge Schott and apologized to the blacks which she described using the N-word. Marge was apologizing to other ethnic groups and throwing out that N-word like crazy. She was also apologizing to the Chinks, Slope Heads and others. Jackie was laughing his ass off as Billy was saying all of that stuff.
In another clip Howard and Robin were going through some news stories and talking about a spokesperson for the NY Yankees who had made a comment about some kids playing basketball near the stadium and saying they were hanging off the hoops like monkeys. That got Billy into his Marge Schott impression again. He was saying all kinds of racist stuff about the blacks and others.
After that bit we heard from Gary again. Gary was saying that Billy was out in L.A. during the L.A. Riots thing and they called him to do the Marge Schott impression while he was in this hotel while people were rioting out there. He refused to do the bit because there was no way he was going to yell out the N-word while Los Angeles was burning. They went to break after that.
After those interviews they played an old show clip where they were going to surprise Billy by having the creator of Ren and Stimpy on the show to surprise Billy but Billy found out he was there when he showed up. Howard told the story about how Billy was hired to do the voice of Stimpy which was basically his Larry Fine voice. The creator of the cartoon came up with the Ren voice and did that for a while. Howard said the guy who created the cartoon was fired by Nickelodeon but Billy stuck around and did the voices for both characters, screwing over the guy who created it.
Howard had the creator of Ren and Stimpy, John Kricfalusi, come in to talk about what went on with the cartoon. Howard said he thought the cartoon was pretty minimal but John and Billy said it was actually pretty high end stuff compared to cartoons like Beavis and Butt-Head.
John told Howard it took him about 10 years to sell that show to actually get it on the air. Then he hired Billy to do the Stimpy voice. Then Nickelodeon fired him because he wasn't producing episodes fast enough. John said it was actually that they were producing too many shows and not spending enough money on them. He said they took over the show in the middle of the second season and finished off some of the stuff they had started already. John said he's really not upset with Billy for sticking with the show.
John said he did expect Billy to leave the show when he left because Billy told him he was going to do that. Then he and his agent called him up and said that they were going to pay Nickelodeon back by gouging them really good and get paid really well. John said that Billy sent him a box of red hots after he got the show and that was his cut of the show. Howard said it was obvious he was a little upset with Billy. John wouldn't say he was though.
John said that they have another cartoon coming up soon so it should be even more successful than the Ren and Stimpy thing. Howard asked Billy why he stuck with the show when maybe he should have been in solidarity with John and left the show. John said that about 50 people got fired, it wasn't just him. Howard said Billy probably didn't miss one night of sleep either. It was John's dream to do that whole cartoon.
Howard asked the woman who came in with John what he really thinks. She said that she wasn't there when it happened but from what she's heard, John was kind of upset with Billy. John said he thought that it was funny when Billy was on Conan O'Brien's show talking about how he created the character voices. Billy said he was just describing what those voices were a mix of, he never said he created them. Gary came in and said that some people from E! went over to interview John and found that he gets way into his readings and was throwing stuff around and smashing it during the taping.
Howard said it looked like John was shooting looks at Billy like he wanted to kill him. John asked if he could get into his George Licker character and read some stuff for him. Howard wanted to do some voices of his own first and did a little bit of his Jackie impression. He also did some impressions of Billy doing some of his voices. Then he let John do his George Licker character.
Robin asked Billy about having no remorse when all of that stuff went down. Billy joked that he had no remorse at all and didn't care about what had gone on. John admitted he never even saw the Conan thing, he said that someone taped it for him. John also said that he didn't make up that Ren voice, he stole that from Peter Lore.
Howard asked Billy and John if they wanted to make up and hug. John said he would do that and went over to give him a hug. Howard asked Billy if he wanted to apologize for anything. Billy said he was just applying his craft and didn't think there was anything to apologize for. John said he thinks that he should apologize to him for what went down. Billy didn't see it the same way and wouldn't apologize. John's assistant said she thinks that Billy should apologize and thank John for giving him that job and taking over that voice.
Billy was saying he didn't feel responsible for the 50 people who lost their jobs when John was fired. Howard told Billy to go sit down before John kicked his ass. The guys could feel the tension in the room. The assistant said Billy seemed very nervous this morning. Howard said he's not used to being in the spotlight like he was. John and his assistant were both saying that Billy's Ren character voice sounds very much like his Stimpy these days. They were kind of attacking him professionally now.
Gary came in and told Howard that Billy's wife/manager called and said that he has to call her immediately after this segment. Stuttering John came in and said that she was very angry and wanted him to call her as soon as that segment was done. Howard said that they should not have all of these wives calling into the show and bothering them like this. Gary said that Billy's wife said she would come on the air if they wanted her to. Billy okayed that so Gary went out to get her on the line.
Howard said they were going to get Billy's wife on the line and get her into the battle between John, his assistant Leslie and Billy. Howard gave John some plugs for his stuff and then Gary came in to say that Billy's wife wasn't going to come on the air. She didn't want to be painted as a moron if she did come on the air. Howard and the guys tried to get her to come on the air by putting that out over the air.
Howard said that John was out promoting this new comic book called ''Comic Book'' and his cartoon was in development for FOX. Howard said he enjoyed this whole thing so John said they should do it every day. Howard said Billy did kind of have a point when he said that they were going to produce the show with or without him so why not just stick with it. John still sounded kind of upset over the whole thing.
Howard told Billy to just say he's sorry already. He wouldn't do it so Howard said he loves that. Gary came back in and said that Billy's wife just won't come on the air. They know that there's something brewing there and it's not coming out so they're not sure exactly what's going on.
Gary and some of the other guys were mixed on whose side they were on in this whole thing. Howard also had his father Ben on the line to talk about what he thought they should do in this situation. Ben wanted to know what the relationship was when they were fired. John said that Billy was his employee at the time. He said that 50 people were fired and some of them went back with Billy when Billy went back to the show.
Billy was still refusing to apologize to John for what went on and some of the guys thought that was wrong. Billy said he was a good employee and John really shouldn't expect anything other than that from him. He and John went at each other for a couple more minutes but wouldn't get really angry, they just threw out a few digs at each other and disagreed over the way things went down. Howard wrapped up the interview and told John that he'd like to work for him sometime. He said he can do the same crap that Billy does. Howard asked John for his comments on cartoons like ''The Critic'' and some other ones that were on at the time. John said he loved Beavis and Butt-Head.
The Stern Spotlight show went to break after that segment was over.
They played the bit that Howard was talking about where Billy was doing his Jim Jensen impression as if he were drunk and doing his news reports. After that bit they played another one where Billy was doing his Pope impression in a commercial parody ''Just How To Exorcise.''
Howard and Robin had a few more words to say about Billy's impression of George Takei and how great it was when they had the two of them on the show together one time. Scott the Engineer explained how they had George on a satellite line while Billy sat in the studio as ''George Takei Jr.'' After explaining all of that they played that segment.
In the clip we hear Billy doing his impression of George for the real George. Howard spent some time talking to the real George about the book he wrote about his experiences on Star Trek. They talked about George's bad experiences with William Shatner. Billy would throw in a line here and there as George Jr. The real George would ask him to behave.
Howard took a call from a woman who was upset with George for talking about William Shatner the way he does. After arguing for a short time, Howard let her go and George Jr. called her a ''stupid bitch.'' Howard told George he was happy he called in to share his stories with them. Howard wrapped up with him and had Billy do some more of his George Jr. impression. He was talking about how his balls rattle when he speaks and goofing on William Shatner a little more. Howard had him pretending to snore and rattling the whole house with that.
After that segment there was another one where William Shatner was in. Billy did his George Takei Jr. impression during that interview as well. Howard spoke to Shatner about his horseback riding and an accident he had doing that. He also tried to figure out how much he's worth. Billy did his Takei impression a little more and had some fun making fun of the stuff they were talking about. Howard asked Shatner about the women he was with throughout his career. That led to George Takei Jr. Saying that he's seen Bill with pigs so bad that they'd make Stevie Wonder cringe. Howard wrapped up with Shatner a short time later.
In another clip Howard takes a phone call from a woman who said that Billy can only do about 3 real impressions, everything else he does is very similar to one of those three impressions. She said that she didn't like that Robin wasn't doing a Jackie impression and that Billy was taking them over. Robin said she does her Jackie impression back in the office, not so much on the air. Howard said Billy makes him laugh so that's what counts. Howard had Billy do some of his impressions for the woman since she thought they all sounded the same. Howard had him doing his Jay Leno, Marge Schott, Cardinal O'Conner and others. Billy did his black guy impression and then her Marge Schott and then the woman said if he wasn't going to be in the next day, she would tune in. Billy wondered why he was such an issue for this woman. She said she loves everyone but when Billy comes on, she thinks it sounds like the morning zoo type of show.
Howard ended up going off on Fred for finally coming to life after 20 years working with him. He said Fred wouldn't do impressions until Billy came on the show. Now the two of them do the same impressions and battle it out to see who can do the best. Howard told Billy he really does need a fire lit under his ass to get him to do more impressions. Fred was staying quiet and Billy was confused about what to do after all of that.
After that segment we heard a commercial parody for a show called ''Loose Cannibal'' which had Billy doing a Bishop Tutu impression with Fred doing a Shadoe Stevens impression. After that the spotlight show went to commercial break.
After hearing all of that they went into another episode of ''As the Barbecue Turns'' featuring Billy doing many voices. Then we heard ''Single Yellow Female'' which featured Wood Yi and Billy West as Soon Yee and others.
Fred was asked about Billy's impressions and talked about how the female voices he used to do were very impressive. He said that Billy's impression of Doris Day was amazing in a bit that they did one time. Howard played Rock Hudson and Billy was Doris Day and the voice he did really impressed him. They played that bit a short time later. They also played a song parody that Billy sang about Howard in a woman's voice.
They played another bit where Billy was doing his David Dinkens impression. Then another bit where he did his Dinkens impression and his Rudy Giuliani impression during a debate between the two of them. Then yet another one where Billy did his Mayor Dinkens impression.
Howard said that one of the bits he really loved was a Frank Sinatra bit that Billy did. They even turned that into a Channel 9 show bit. Gary and Billy said a few words about that bit. Billy talked about how he would get into those bits. after that they played the commercial parody for Frank's album ''I Remember What's Her Name.'' Billy played the part of Frank and Fred did the announcer voice for the commercial.
Fred and Robin talked about how Billy would come up with voices to throw in during the show. He would just come up with voices and do them even if they weren't scripted. Howard said one of his favorites was when Billy did Jim Backus, Mr. Magoo. That led into a segment where Billy did his Jim Backus impression not too long after Backus had passed away. Billy had Howard cracking up with his impression. Howard talked to Jim about his life and tried to find out who he banged over the years. They went through a bunch of other stuff about Gilligan's Island and things like that as well. Then Howard had Robin start her news while Billy continued to do his Jim Backus impression. Howard joked that he was upset that he couldn't get rid of Magoo thorugh the news. Billy kept up the impression through all of Robin's news.
after that we heard Howard talking about the prank calls they used to play on the show where a couple of guys would call this guy by the name of Red who had a very distinct voice. He and a couple of the other guys talked about how Billy did an impression of that guy and he'd do it on the show all the time. That led into a segment wehre Billy came into the studio as ''Red'' and did that impression for a while. Howard had a woman come in to talk to him so Red went off on her just like the old man in the phone calls would.
That was it for this first part of the Billy West Stern Spotlight. Billy West did a bunch of his voices at the end of the show and we were told this was just part 1 of the spotlight show. Part 2 airs tomorrow.
Jackie said that Billy would be attacking him during those moments but he was throwing jokes at him so it was pretty crazy. Howard said the best moment with the Jackie Puppet was when Conan O'Brien came in and got attacked by the puppet. Howard said he recently asked him about that and thinks that it's one of the most requested moments on the show. Jackie and Artie also had some comments about that whole thing. Billy was also talking about how much that puppet looked like Jackie and how great it was.
After those new interviews they went into the audio from when Conan O'Brien came on the show and got attacked by the puppet. Howard and the guys were talking about Conan coming in and what they wanted to do. Then Billy came in as Jackie Puppet and started laughing as Jackie. Billy told some jokes as Jackie Puppet and continued to laugh just like Jackie. Howard said the puppet was kind of falling apart and they were taking care of it worse than Jackie takes care of himself. He even threw in a few jokes about Robin like the real Jackie would have done.
Ralph came in to let Howard know they had some party decorations to set up in the studio for the Conan appearance. Jackie Puppet started goofing on Ralph when he came in. Howard said he's totally amused by that puppet. Billy continued to laugh like the puppet as they were talking about him. He kept laughing as Jackie which made Howard laugh.
Howard had the guys bring Conan O'Brien in a short time later. Conan said hello to the puppet and the puppet immediately said ''Conan O'Byebye'' in reference to his show possibly being canceled. Conan didn't know what they were talking about so Howard told him there were people in the paper saying that his show might go away. Conan thought he was in pretty good shape. Jackie Puppet was goofing on Conan but also trying to get a job with Conan. Howard said the puppet is jealous over Conan's job, that's why he's so bitter and angry. Howard said it's better that the puppet pick on Conan than pick on him.
Howard was talking to Conan about going up against Tom Snyder in late night but Jackie Puppet was falling asleep hearing that. He goofed on him a little more and said that even when he's laying in the corner with no one working him, he's more interesting than Tom Snyder. Howard talked about his interview with Tom Snyder and how brilliant he thought he was during that interview. He said Tom is really awful and he's really not the type of guy who should be doing a talk show.
Howard said there seems to be a lot of pressure on Conan but Conan thinks that he's doing just fine against his competition. Jackie Puppet told him to get rid of Andy Richter and hire Mrs. David Letterman. He continued to laugh and joke around with Conan so Howard asked him to calm down so he could talk to Conan. He continued the interview without Jackie Puppet interrupting too much. Then the puppet came back and Howard noticed that it was kind of annoying Conan. Conan said he's used to puppets because he does a lot of stuff on his show with puppets.
Jackie Puppet went nuts with a bunch of jokes and interrupted the interview for a couple of minutes. Howard got back to Conan and asked him a few more questions. Jackie Puppet kept interrupting and goofing on Conan. Howard started to wrap up with Conan so Conan asked him if he would come on his show. Howard said a simple ''No'' but Jackie Puppet said there's a chance that he'd come on his show. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later.
After that segment they went into another segment where Gary was announcing an FME (F-Emmy) Award for ''Best Interaction with the Jackie Puppet.'' Howard got a drum roll and announced that Julie Selena, Playboy Playmate of the Year, was one of the finalists. He played a clip of that interview where the Jackie Puppet was making comments about her. Howard played some other clips of some of the other finalists in that category. Richard Lewis was one of them. The puppet was attacking him during his interview.
The next segment was Howard talking about the puppet missing a few fingers. Jackie Puppet was going nuts with his jokes. Howard said he was working on a puppet special where they would have puppets made up of each of them. Jackie Puppet interrupted and told some more jokes like ''What goes 10, 9, 8, 7...'' ''Bo Derek getting older!'' Jackie Puppet even farted and laughed hysterically. He told even more jokes and continued to laugh just like Jackie. Howard was laughing as well since the puppet made him laugh so much.
Howard talked about what they had coming up on the show and Pamela Anderson was going to be calling in. He said she wanted to address some allegations that she was on heroin. Jackie Puppet had to comment on that so he threw in some jokes about that. He also guzzled down some fake beer and let out a belch. Robin tried asking him some questions but he was making some black jokes about her.
In another segment Howard was goofing on Jackie about a movie he had done. That got Billy started in with the puppet. He was telling Howard that he has plenty going on in his career. That segment didn't last too long. They went right into another segment where Sally Kirkland came on the show and got attacked by the Jackie Puppet. Howard had Sally come in and asked her about her sex life which got Jackie Puppet started. Jackie Puppet was talking about her great cans and said that everyone should enjoy those beauties.
Howard talked about Sally about her coming on the show one time and asking him to audition her for his movie. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked her if she was going to freak out and cry on the show again like she did last time. Sally was over rubbing Howard's shoulders and started rubbing too hard when he started making fun of her religion. Gary said he remembers Sally asking Howard to be the godmother for his daughter Ashley. Howard said she got mad at him for not doing that for her. Sally said she got her daughter a bunch of gifts but Howard said he threw them right in the garbage. Jackie Puppet came to life again and kept talking about penetration and how he wanted to ''go up'' on her.
Sally got on Howard's lap and Billy let out a fart so Howard asked Sally if that was her. She said she didn't do that at all. Sally was telling Howard she's going to get some plastic surgery done when she goes on Geraldo's show. Jackie Puppet told her not to touch those big cans of hers. Sally then took Howard's hand and put it on her breast. Howard asked if he could touch again and then again a few seconds later. He figured he was cheating on his wife at that point. Howard asked her if he could rub her ass and started to do that stuff. Howard asked Sally if it was true that she once asked for her co-star to have actual penetration with her in a movie scene. She said that she and Rip Torn had a past and they had been in love for years. They were cast in a movie together and when they had this sex scene, she asked if they could put a stationary camera in the room and let them do it for real. She said that Rip was a great lover too and
Howard let Sally plug some stuff. She said she had a movie coming out and told Howard about that for a few minutes. Howard wanted to see how Sally does a scene from her movie. She got into that for a few seconds but Howard didn't spend much time on that. He wrapped up with her and gave her a few more plugs. She was looking to give Howard some of her art so she dug that out and gave it to him. Howard thanked her for coming in as Jackie Puppet asked for a goodbye feel. They went to commercial break after that.
Billy was also interviewed about that and said that he really appreciated being on the show and exposed to so many people. He said he was ready to leave radio though because Ren and Stimpy was doing very well. He said he didn't want to be part of that whole radio station thing anymore. His wife was the one who actually convinced him to stay there as long as he did. Billy said he left over money because there was none there. He said he was lucky to have gone where he did when he got into the business. He said he likes to work and he moved to L.A. To get as much work as possible. He said he's working on his own pilot for a show and he's done some new Futurama DVD movies that will be out eventually. Artie was interviewed and said he was shown a stack of pay-stubs from Billy's voice over work and it was amazing how many they had at the talent agency where he was working.
After those interviews they went right into the ''Lost in Space 1990'' bit. Billy played many of the parts in the bit. He played the part of Dr. Smith, Major West and the young Will Robinson. Howard played the robot.
After that bit they played a segment where Howard was going to be interviewing the guy who played the real Will Robinson from ''Lost in Space'' and Billy West was going to play the part of Dr. Smith. Howard talked about some of the goofy episodes and story lines in those old shows for a few minutes. They also talked about Dr. Smith and how he came off kind of gay on that show but no one was sure if he was gay for real. Billy went into his Dr. Smith voice and goofed on that guy a little bit.
Howard had Bill Mumy on the phone and Bill was playing along with Billy's Dr. Smith a little bit. He said that Dr. Smith was supposed to have been killed off after the 6th episode but they kept him around as the villain on the show. Billy did his voice some more and made a lot of gay references as he was doing that. Howard thought that's the way it seemed to come across on the show. Howard talked to Bill about the people he worked with on the show and what they were like. Billy would throw in the Dr. Smith voice often. Billy got in a plug for his band and the album they had out. He also had no idea it was Billy West doing the voice of Dr. Smith. He was talking about how he had done some Ren and Stimpy stuff recently but had no idea it was Billy doing that voice.
Howard and Bill talked about the show some more and what happened to some of the people he worked with. Howard checked out his band's album and that led to Dr. Smith saying that he was going to get a copy and do his mess all over it. Howard played some of the album while Dr. Smith screamed in the background. Bill asked Billy to give it a rest after a while. He seemed to be getting annoyed with him over it. Howard played another track and Billy went nuts yelling even more. Bill asked Billy how many cups of coffee he had this morning. He was on fire.
By the end of the interview Bill was saying he didn't miss Dr. Smith after hearing Billy's comments. Howard wrapped up with Bill and let him go as Billy was still yelling out as Dr. Smith. Howard figured Bill hated them after all of that. Howard spent a little more time with Dr. Smith before wrapping up that segment.
Howard was asked about Billy's Cardinal O'Connor voice so he talked about that a little bit before they played a bit where Billy played that part. It was a parody of an alien invasion movie called ''The Cardinal Vs. Earth'' where Cardinal O'Connor who was fighting the aliens.
In another bit we hear Billy doing his Cardinal O'Connor voice and doing a phony commercial. After that they played a ''A Current Affair'' commercial parody where Billy was doing the voice of Maury Povich's wife Connie Chung. Then they had another bit where they showcased many of Billy's voices. They were goofing on other morning radio programs.
We heard another edition of ''As the Barbecue Turns'' with Janie the Cleaning Lady and Ted the Janitor playing along with Billy West who was playing the part of Mayor Dinkens.
After all of that we heard from Robin and Gary about the ''nig*er Hatin' Hat'' bit that Billy used to do on the show. Gary talked about the guy who sang the song and how Billy took that whole thing and ran with it on the show. After they commentated on it, they went right into the news segment where Robin brought up the death of a guy who was in the Marshal Tucker Band. That led to Fred doing an impression of the guy singing. Howard asked what other songs they performed so Fred went into some of their other stuff. That's when Howard said that the guy used to wear one of those big cowboy hats that they call a ''nig*er hatin' hat.'' That got Billy singing the ''nig*er Hatin' Hat'' song. They spent a couple of minutes talking about the hat and goofing around with that before going to break.
After that we heard a segment from an old show where Howard had Billy come in as ''Mandella.'' Billy came in a short time later and Shelly the Typist was trying to feel him up as he came in. Billy was doing some visual stuff and apparently forgetting that he was only on radio. Billy was doing his black voice and mumbling out his lines. He was also laughing with a wheezing laugh and talking gibberish saying that was some South African language that had no translation.
Howard told ''Mandella'' that he was an enigma to him so Mandella asked him not to call him that. Howard told him to go ahead and barrel through the script without doing a lot of ad-libbing. Howard continued to talk to Mandella and he was saying he doesn't understand how Oprah got a man. He also didn't understand one of Howard's sponsors which was some kind of mailbox thing. Howard and Robin said they didn't understand those things either. Mandella told Howard that Oprah is just ''Zsa Zsa with a spear.'' Howard told Mandella it was a shame that he had all of that cotton in his mouth as Mandella was trying to get out some lines. Howard asked Mandella what he would do if he took over in South Africa and what kind of flag he'd want. Mandella said they'd have a chicken leg and a rib in a cross on their flag. Mandella said that he doesn't understand (Richard) Belzer either. He also said he doesn't understand why his wife turned out so ugly after he was in jail for 24 years.
Mandella was joking about the death of Jim Henson as well so he was all over the place with his discussions. He also said he wanted to sing them a song. He warmed up a little bit but didn't get to the song right away. The segment was edited to a point after a commercial break. Gary came in and told Howard that they had a call from a woman who said that this was the most racist stuff she's ever heard. She let him know that and hung up right after she gave them her thoughts.
Howard had Mandella perform his song which was done to the tune of part of a George Thouroughgood song. He was just singing it to the opening guitar riff of one of those songs. Robin was making fun of him a little bit so Mandella threatened to cut her with his knife if she kept that up. Mandella did more of the babbling he was doing earlier. He said that was stuff that they couldn't interpret.
Howard had Mandella sing more of his song after that. Mandella sang about how not all blacks are lazy and shiftless like people think. He also decided to spell out his name in the song. He sang some other stuff that rhymed but didn't make much sense. He came out of the song and asked Jackie to help him out with a joke book. Mandella was done with his song so Howard told him to cool out for a few minutes. Howard started singing along to the music that Mandella was singing too. He had his own lyrics but needed some help from Mandella to spell out the word Skank.
Howard wanted to send Stuttering John out on the street to interview some people about the whole Mandella thing. He went to the wireless and tried to get John on but there was no one there. It took a couple of minutes but John showed up. He was out on the street so Howard asked him to go up to people and ask them if they knew what Nenson Mandella had done. John asked a woman if she knew but when she found out it was for Howard Stern, she ran off saying she didn't want to be on that one. John tried to get some other people on the street but some didn't want to talk to him. One woman finally spoke to him and gave her thoughts on what Nelson Mandella had done. She had a little bit of an idea and seemed to know what she was talking about. John went up to some other people and found a guy who had no idea what he had done and didn't care.
Howard was going to move on to the news so he asked Mandella if he had anything else to add to the discussion. Mandella spent a little more time reading some poems until Howard cut him off. He let him say a few more words about various things. Mandella continued to go through some stuff he had written down. He also sang a little more for Howard and the guys. Robin was going through her news but Mandella would come in once in a while with more of his goofy comments. He sang some more of his tunes during the news segment. Howard got in on that as well. He also continued to play the guitar riff during some of Robin's news reports. They went to commercial break after that.
Sternac read a bunch of his jokes and then Ed handed him the envelopes for the bit but forgot what he was supposed to say. Howard was saying he was wishing that Ed was Larry Fine all of a sudden. Howard ripped open each envelope and read through the jokes they had in each one. Howard ended up complaining about the jokes being too long. He went through them anyway and had Ed repeating after him. They went pretty far for some of the jokes. One of the answers was ''You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your left foot in and you shake it all about..'' and the question was ''How do you make love to Roseanne Barr?''
After that segment we heard an ''Ed McMad'' commercial parody for a phony Star Search thing. Then they went into a segment where Howard spoke to private detective Bo Dietle. Howard talked to him about how they had offered him some security for when he went to his book signing. He wasn't expecting a $540 bill from him though. That led to Billy doing an impression of Bo after he got off the phone. Billy was goofing on the way he was laughing and talking fast to Howard. That eventually led to Howard and Robin doing another Sternac the Improbable with Billy as Ed McMahon (McMad).
Sternac went through his jokes like ''Christopher Walken'' ''What will the Reeve family will never see?'' Howard had another one which was ''Mine Shaft... What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call his penis?'' He went through a bunch of others as well. He had one answer that was ''That ball is going, going, gone.'' The question was ''Do the play by play for Richard Belzer's cancer operation.'' The final one was ''A pussy with big lips.'' The question for that one was ''What do you get when you cross Baba Booey with a cat?''
After that segment we heard another Ed McMad commercial parody where he was apologizing for being such a mess. He also asked for women to send him their pictures.
We heard another Sternac the Improbable bit after that. Ed didn't have an intro to read so Robin had to take over and do it for him. Howard, as Sternac, took some phone calls during that segment. He was going to predict the future of a caller if they could just play along with him. One guy asked if he would ever get married. Howard was actually reading a Magic 8-Ball for his answers and said ''Replay hazy...'' instead of ''Reply hazy...'' at one point. He said he was reading it upside down so that's why he screwed it up. He took a few more calls and gave a few more people some lame answers for their questions.
Howard moved on to do his Sternac stuff so here are a couple of the answers and questions...
That all led into a recording session where they were recording some Pete Fornatel promos. Billy was playing the part of Pete and goofing on his voice. Billy also did his black voice for the bit. We heard Howard instructing Billy on how to do his voices and stuff. Then we heard the edited version of that recording session which turned into a fully produced commercial parody bit.
There were more Pete Fornatel bits after that one. We heard those and also heard ''All in the Pat Cooper Family'' TV show parody with Billy as the announcer for that bit. After that we heard Billy calling into the show as Robin Williams who was all over the place with his goofy jokes, just like the real Robin Williams. Then Billy switched to his Bobcat Goldthwait voice and did that for a short time. Larry Fine from the Three Stooges was on the phone after Bobcat. Then Howard picked up on Magoo which was Billy again.
We heard a ''Lifestyles of the Rich and Dicky'' bit in which Billy did the voice of Regis Philbin's wheelchair bound son. Howard played Howard Leach and Fred did the voice of Regis. Billy did a couple of other voices like Kathie Lee and DJ Tony Pigg.
We heard a bit where Billy played the part of Rudy Giuliani who was talking about some of the strange things that came out about him during an election. After that one we heard another Rudy Giuliani bit in which Rudy talks about marrying his cousin and stuff like that.
Howard talked about Billy's impression of Leona Helmsley a little bit. Gary also talked about that impression and then they went into a segment where Billy was doing his Leona impression and speaking to Howard about various things that were in the news about her. Howard went into his Mama Lookaboobooday character for a short time during that segment. Leona started making comments about Mama during that bit. They went into another segment where Billy called into the show as Leona Helmsley again. That led into a commercial parody about Leona featuring Billy West of course. Howard spoked to Leona on the phone for a short time after that and then played yet another commercial parody about Leona. Howard wrapped up with Leona after that and let her go.
We heard more of Billy's Leona impression in another commercial parody. Then we heard another segment where Howard had Leona on the phone to talk about some stuff that was in the news about her. Leona was supposed to be crying but it sounded more like she was laughing when Howard picked up the phone. She continued to cry as Howard was going over what had been happening to her. She made a lot of racist comments during that discussion.
Scott the Engineer talked about how Billy West's Larry Fine voice and just how great that was. Billy West also talked about how he was the only person who ever seemed to care about that voice. He mentioned that they used the voice in many, many bits, as many as the possibly could. Scott the Engineer said Billy did that voice perfectly. Gary said that voice was something that Billy had picked up from an old tape that was circulating around years ago. He said he heard that one of Larry's family members actually wrote to Billy and thanked him for doing that voice so well. They were somehow comforted by the voice because it was so spot on. Gary said they came up with a bunch of bits for him to do as Larry Fine. That led into the classic ''Woodstock Minute'' in which Billy plays the part of Larry Fine. They had Larry hanging out at Woodstock and talking about a lot of what went on there.
After the Woodstock Minute bit we heard from Howard about how he would love to have Billy back on the show. He's sure they could pick up right where they left off. Scott the Engineer said he'd love to have him back as well. Artie and Gary also said they'd like to have him back. Gary said the invitation is open but he's not even going to ask him anymore. He said Billy knows that they want him back so he's welcome at any time. When he's ready to come back, he'll come back. Robin said they tried to get him back many times but Billy never did want to do it. Billy, doing his black voice, talked a little bit about how he'd like to go after Robin and get her when he gets out of prison. As this was going on there were commercials playing over Billy as he was doing the black impression. Billy also did some more of his Marge Schott during that time so that was all screwed up with the commercials playing over him. Billy went into his Jackie Puppet impression and talked a little bit about Tom Chiusano being cheap. He also talked about Ralph a little bit as Jackie Puppet. Gary and Fred were also mentioned and then he talked the real Jackie. Billy then went into his own voice and said he's happy for Howard going to do satellite radio and he's been following his career over the years. He thanked Howard for the years he gave him on the air. He wished him luck after that. Then we heard from Howard again. Howard said that Billy was a lot of fun to hang out with off the air and he didn't burn any bridges with him so he's happy to have been able to work with him. They ended the Spotlight special around 12:50pm.
Howard Started off the show talking about yesterday's show and how they should take off a whole month after doing one that good. He said they have a good show today as well. Dave ''Walrus'' Hawthorne was sitting in this morning. He said that Dave was wearing an ''F-Jackie'' T-shirt since he was sitting in for the long gone Jackie. Howard said he hasn't seen Dave in about 10-15 years since he moved out to Los Angeles. He didn't know who the big guy was standing out there in the hall.
Howard had Dave stand up and show Robin just how big he was. He said he asked Ronnie who it was and blew right by him. Then he had to go back and say hi to him.
Howard said that David Spade will be on the show tomorrow. David left a message for Howard on his answering machine yesterday but he wouldn't leave his number for him to call back. Howard thinks that's really weird and that only one other person has done that to him, Courtney Love. He said he's not sure he wants to sit there and listen to Dave complaining about not being able to pick a personal assistant. He complained about people not giving him their personal numbers because they seem to be afraid that he's going to post them on the internet or something crazy like that. Howard said he rarely even calls Robin or anyone else on the phone. He doesn't like using the phone that much.
Howard asked Dave Hawthorne if he's had any success out in Los Angeles. He said he has done some writing and even stared opposite Jack Nicholson in ''As good as it gets'' where Jack calls him a moron. He said he had lines in the movie but they got cut out. Howard said that the guys in the office were sending him notes that they couldn't hear Dave talking. He said he could hear him fine though.
Howard said he read one review about The Sopranos where the guy said that the show went too far when one of the characters beat up his pregnant girlfriend. Howard said that stuff is going on every day in the real world. He and Robin spent a minute talking about that before the caller challenged them to a trivia contest.
Howard took him on and said that he'd answer trivia and the guy on the phone had to guess TV theme songs. The guy gave Howard one question about how to tell which is the left or right side of a river. Howard thought the question was ridiculous and guessed wrong. The guy gave him another one but Howard gave up on him. Instead, he had the guy just go ahead and try to guess the theme songs.
Gary came in and played some music that you'd never recognize. It turned out it was ''The Price is Right'' but not the current theme. Then he played an old ''Hollywood Squares'' theme that the guy couldn't guess either. Finally, Gary played ''Lets Make a Deal''. The guy didn't know but Robin guessed it right for the guy. For all of this the guy won a trip to the American Comedy Awards show in California courtesy of Comedy Central.
The guy on the phone continued to ask Howard questions. He wanted to know which of the inner-circle Howard likes to hang out with. Howard ended up saying Stuttering John after talking about the rest of the guys and why he doesn't hang with them. He said he used to hang out with Jackie before he left the show.
The caller asked Howard if he thinks Jackie will ever return to the show. Howard doesn't think so and he said he doesn't think he'd allow him to come back even if he wanted to. He said he likes having different guys sit in on the show and he really likes ''the new guy'' Craig Gass who has been sitting in a couple days a week lately. Howard said he used to feel that he had to watch what he said around Jackie all the time so he wouldn't upset him. He said he doesn't miss that.
Howard mentioned that Hank the Dwarf is in the latest ''Son of the Beach'' show and he's very funny in it. He said he turned out to be a very funny comedic actor. The guys were also talking about this death pool thing that they've done in the past. Howard said he doesn't want to do it anymore because he sucks at it. He said that Gary does research and stuff but he doesn't have time to do that himself. Howard picked a bunch of old guys that were old and none of them died. They went to break a short time later.
Stuttering John told Howard that he had problems finishing when he had sex with his wife for the first time since her pregnancy. He said it was because of the Luvox he's been taking for his OCD. He also said that since his wife is still breast feeding he got some ''vitamin D'' on him. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. He meant that he got milk on him. John said it was like squeezing an orange when he squeezed her breasts.
John told everyone that he's got his wife back to exercising. Howard said that John is very mean to his wife and the way he talks to her. He makes her feel like crap about the way she looks after her pregnancy. Howard said that he's always saying stuff to her about hitting the gym and things like that. Gary said that he heard from someone who said that John has gotten really weird with those comments he makes.
The guys heard that John will go to the gym with his wife and he'll turn up the speed on her stationary bike. John said that she was riding on level 1 and he figured there was no way she was going to lose weight on that level so he turned it up.
The guys pointed out that John is getting kind of chunky himself. John showed them his belly and said he's looking fine but Howard said it looked like he was holding it in. John said he wants his wife to be a MILF (Mom I'd Like To F***). Robin said that John was actually saying ''MILTH'' so Howard figured that meant she was a ''Mom I Love To Hate''
John continued to talk about not being able to complete with his wife. He said that he can finish himself off even using the Luvox but for some reason, he can't do it with his wife. Howard said that if he was with a new girl, he'd probably be able to finish in two seconds.
Howard said that John was giving his wife a hard time when they were out one night and telling her that she needs to turn the treadmill up higher when she's working out. Howard figured that she's going to get upset with him if he keeps that up.
John talked about his stocks and how he's down quite a bit of money right now. That led to the guys talking about how bad Lucent is doing and stuff like that.
Howard wanted the guy to just give us the info on the product he used so he could get off the phone with him. The guy said it was this thing called Dr. Joel Kaplan's Penis Enlarger. He said he got it a while ago on DrJoelKaplan.com. He said he paid about a hundred bucks for the product. He said you have to put the thing on for about an hour a day.
Howard checked out the web site and couldn't believe the before and after pictures he saw. Howard read some of the info on the site and found out the device costs about $200. Howard probably won't be getting one. He was going to hang up on the guy but the guy wanted to stay on longer. Howard told him he's not going to dedicate an hour a day for 8 months just to gain an inch.
Howard read through some of the notes on that site but the caller kept interrupting him. He and the guys talked about their balls a little bit and how they've been getting droopy the older they get. The caller kept repeating that he had gained some length but Howard told him that he was annoying because he'd already said that a bunch of times.
Stuttering John got the guys back on the stock talk. He brought up a couple of stocks which got the guys talking about that stuff for a few minutes. Scott DePace came in and gave his theory on why the market was down. He basically blamed it on President Clinton because all of his policies were just starting to take effect.
Howard said he was there, he saw John talking to his wife about her weight. The woman said that guys want women to look like whores but they eventually change after having kids. Now maybe she wants to dress like a mother. John said that's not the case. She wants to lose weight.
John said he never said that she was fat, she's the one who wants to lose weight. He said he paid $1,000 for a gym membership and bought her a stair master for Christmas. Howard let the woman go a short time later. John was still saying that she was probably a pig and her husband probably wants to say something to her.
A guy called in and wanted some advice from Howard about his girlfriend's death. Apparently she died after going into a hospital detox center because she was a drunk. The guy said he didn't even know she was a drinker for the 8 years he knew her. He said that the hospital never contacted her family and he wanted to know what he should do. Howard really didn't have any advice other than hiring a lawyer to sue the hospital.
The guys tried to figure out how to help the guy out but they really didn't have any other advice. Howard said that he might have a case there but he's really not sure. The caller was giving Howard some of the details but Howard told him to just call a lawyer. There are a lot of guys dying for any kind of case out there.
Howard said he was reading a model magazine and they were saying that you do have to be tall to be a model. He said his daughter is 6 feet tall so he told her to go have her picture taken. Howard was still going through the pictures and found one that was topless. He told Gary to ask the guy who sent the pictures about what he'd like them to use the girls for.
Gary told Howard a story about calling information to get the number for some restaurant. He called and the operator asked him if he wanted to make reservations. Gary did so the operator told him they had a new service where they'd take reservations for the restaurants. Gary gave him the info but then asked the operator if there was a charge for this. The operator told him there was a charge but he wasn't supposed to divulge that information. Gary told the guy to forget the reservation and wondered where you buy something and they don't tell you how much it is.
Howard said that the phone company is getting into a lot of that but they don't ever tell people what they're going to charge. Gary said he was going to cancel the reservation. He said that he was going to talk to a supervisor but he was in a rush so he didn't bother.
KC came in and said that the biggest scam is when you call information and they tell you to press 1 to dial direct. He said if you do that they charge you and the call doesn't go through 9 out of 10 times. Howard told him he was nuts and told him to get out of the studio.
Howard said he's been to some full nude clubs and they're really creepy. Gary said that they went to a place one time that was the home of the couch dance and the girls were fully nude and dance about 6 inches in front of your face. Howard said the girls at that club were about 4's on a scale of 10. They went there unannounced and they had these private booths to get dances in.
Gary said that they all sat on a long couch at that club and there were no private booths there. Robin was there and remembered watching what was going on there. She said she's seen Howard at those clubs and he's like a hot fudge sundae and the girls are the fudge, dripping all over him. Howard said that Ross is the guy that usually gets things going at those parties.
Robin said she had one stripper trying to touch her boobs and go under her shirt but she stopped her. Robin said she really isn't into that stuff. Howard said Robin's man would have enjoyed seeing her get it on with another woman. Robin wanted nothing to do with that.
Howard got back to the strip club story and said one of the guys there asked him if he wanted to go back to the back room. He said he had to turn that down because he didn't want to be caught on some hidden camera doing anything.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and talked about seeing Robin and the stripper talking and trying to avoid getting the dance. He said that the other girl really seemed like she was into Robin. Robin said that she came over and pried her legs open and started to do the dance. Howard thinks that if Vinnie wasn't there Robin might have been able to get into it. Robin said that it had nothing to do with Vinnie. Howard let Vinnie go because he's got an hour and a half bus ride ahead of him.
Howard said that using the sesame oil was sacrilegious because they use that for so many things in his family. He said that his mother uses it for her skin and they had to have a plumber come in because she was clogging up the pipes in the house with her oil. He said she was greasing herself like a greased pig.
Howard said his mother gave him some sesame oil to use on his skin and then he realized that he could use it on his penis. He said he would always make a mess with it though because it gets all over everything. He said he ended up getting into a frenzy over it. He suggested that people get some clarified sesame oil if they want to give it a try. He said when he gets a cold and his nose is sore, he snorts some to ease the pain. They went to a break a short time later.
That led to a discussion about nudity. Howard said he saw a guy at his gym the other day just walking around doing stuff totally nude in the locker room. Howard said that guys that are big in the pants don't have a problem doing that. He obviously wouldn't do it himself. Howard talked about seeing his father's penis when he was a kid. He also said he saw his mother naked and he remembers her big bush and huge breasts. Dave said he's never seen either of his parents naked.
Howard said that they sent someone out to interview some Chinese New Yorkers about this spy plane controversy that's going on. He played tape of one guy just rambling incoherently about the situation. The guy said he hopes that the U.S. apologizes for the whole situation. Howard said we can't do that because we'd be responsible for 2 deaths if we apologize and admit it was our fault.
Dave said that he's afraid of Asian countries. Howard said it's probably because there are just so many of them. He said that he thinks if we bombed one of these countries they'd just come back stronger. Howard and Dave discussed how the Koreans seem to dislike blacks and vice versa. Dave said it's not all Koreans, it's more like one in five that he doesn't get along with. He talked about how he goes to a Korean store and even though he knows the guy who runs it, he still watches over him like he's going to steal something.
Howard talked about how he thinks he could possibly get Rose McGowan now that she's broken up with Marilyn Manson but he's not sure he'd want her after she's probably had freaky sex with Manson. He said that he hung out with the two of them and Marilyn ended up putting his hand on his knee which kind of freaked him out a little bit.
Howard took a couple of calls for Dave before wrapping up. Gay Ramone was one of them. Ramone asked Dave if he's ever had a gay experience. Dave said ''no!'' Ramone then asked if he could ''Stump the comedian'' with Dave. Howard let him do it. Ramone said ''How can you tell if a black man is well hung?'' Dave didn't know the answer. The punch line is ''You can't fit your finger through the noose.'' Howard didn't get it at first. It had to be explained to him. He was thinking penis when Ramone was talking about actual hanging.
Another caller called Howard a pussy for not banging all of the chicks he possibly can. Howard told the guy he can't be as cool as him and hung up. That led to Howard talking about the whole Leila Arcieri thing that happened on the show yesterday. He told Dave about it all and then wrapped up the interview. Dave hung around for the rest of the show.
Howard told Mike that if he waits a couple of years the TVs that come out will be better than they are now and there will be more programming. Then Mike said that DVDs look incredible on an HDTV set. Howard then seemed to see the light. Robin backed up that claim and said that they are amazing on these sets.
Howard asked Mike if he's got an HDTV himself. Mike said he just bought a Mitsubishi 55'' set for $4000. He said he'd even give Howard a demonstration in his apartment if he wanted it. Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard just how good the picture is. Howard let him go after getting his endorsement. Howard thanked Mike for filling him in on the stuff and ended the call.
After the call Howard played tape of Arsenio Hall and Bill Maher arguing with each other on ''Politically Incorrect'' a couple of weeks ago. Dave Chappelle was still hanging around for the rest of the show so they spent some time discussing the tape.
Howard and Dave spent a few minutes talking about smoking after Howard read that Dave was still a cigarette smoker. Dave also talked about going to strip clubs around the country. He said that they're very different down south and in other countries. He told Howard some stories about going to some clubs and some of the crazy things that the strippers have done. Howard went to break a short time later.
Dave said he saw her hand on Regis and it looked pretty nasty to him. Robin said she keeps pulling off the bandage to show people and that might be how it got infected. She said that hand is also probably very important to that relationship. That led to Howard and Fred having some fun with some vibrator sound effects and Howard playing the part of Rosie talking to her girlfriend about how they were going to have sex without that hand. Howard said that's some nasty sex right there. He said that a lesbian's hand is like a dude's schween.
Double A called in and told Dave that he's funny as hell and he'd like to hear him on the show twice a week. Dave said he appreciates that. Double A also thanked Howard for the great radio he's done over the past couple of months.
Howard's theory was that Rosie's hand got infected because she's so unhealthy. He said that anyone that's that fat is bound to get sick. He said when he was fat and eating crap food, he was always sick.
Howard said they got a call from a guy who has this product that allows women to pee standing up like a man. The product is called a ''Shenis.'' He asked KC to book the guy even though he told him not to earlier. He had some questions about the product so he wanted to get him on the show.
Robin got to her news and read through a bunch of stories. Dave hung around and commented on the stories with Howard. Dave 'Walrus' Hawthorne threw in a few comments here and there too. Howard wrapped up after Robin was done with her news. They ended the show around 10:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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