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Howard was back from vacation this morning and started off the show talking about how he was getting his updates from everyone before the show. He said hello to George Takei who was sitting in today. He said that he'll be sitting in all week. George said it was good to see everyone and he was happy to be there live. He went on to say that he and his man Brad came into the city yesterday and saw Artie on a billboard for his comedy show down at the Borgata. He said his cuddly muffin was greeting him coming into the city.
Howard said that he was sitting there playing with his balls and penis because he did such a great job shaving ti. He asked George if he does that. George said he goes au natural and doesn't shave down. He said that he's been with Brad for a long time and there's no reason to do that. Artie asked him if it looks like a terrorist is blowing him when Brad is down there. That got Howard laughing quite a bit.
George went on to tell the guys that he started turning grey down there first and he told Brad that he had to take him the way he was. He said that it's up to Brad if he wants to go down there so he has all the power as far as that's concerned.
Artie said that George was telling him that he got a nice visit from Leonard Nimoy and it means a lot to him. Howard said that's because Leonard is a nice guy while William Shatner isn't all that nice to him. George went on to say that Leonard came out to a fund raising dinner for him out in San Francisco on Saturday night. Robin said that they should have invited all of them to the event too. George said they really should have. He thinks that Howard would have been adored by the people there.
George said that Leonard presented him an award there at the event. Artie said that seemed to make George glow as he talked about it off the air. Howard asked how that came about. George said he was asked who could do it so he suggested Leonard and he said he'd be happy and honored to come out and do that. George said that he gave an inspiring speech when he presented the award.
Howard said he would have done the speech in a gay voice if he was Leonard. Artie did some jokes that he could use but went a little too far for Howard. Howard went on to play some George Takei audio clips and song parodies to have some fun with George. They had some new stuff that made George laugh. Howard welcomed him back to the show and said he wanted to save some of the discussions for later in the week since he's going to be there all week.
Howard played a new song parody for Riley where they took the ''Close Encounters'' UFO contact sounds and put Riley's voice to them.
Howard said there was some exciting news over vacation about how WCBS was back playing oldies in the city. He said that Cousin Bruce was interviewed and he was excited about that. Howard went right into his Brucie impression and goofed on him for a few seconds. He said that Brucie was only on the air once a week but they interviewed him before any of the other regulars that used to be on that station. He did his impression for the guys for a short time and had some fun goofing on him.
Howard said that people are already complaining about the CBS-FM oldies format because they're not playing the same stuff they were playing before they changed format. Howard said he thinks that they tried a bluegrass station there at SIRIUS and found that no one was going to listen. Gary said he thinks it's still there though.
Gary said he heard that Robin said something about black people being fat is because of slavery. Robin said that's not what she said. She explained what she actually said and then Howard played some audio clips from the show. When she was on Robin was talking about how people should eat healthier and that's what she's doing. Howard wondered if black people could relate to the Martha's Vineyard Diet. Robin said they probably couldn't.
Howard goofed on Larry a little bit as he was playing the clips from his show. He eventually got to the part in the show where Larry asked Robin why there are problems with obesity in the black community. Robin said she didn't really have an answer for that. Howard interrupted and played some Robin song parodies with her moaning. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man was bored for two weeks so he had a bunch of new stuff today.
Howard got back to the Larry King clip where Robin was talking about how blacks might have some problems with obesity because of their diets back in the slave days. That led to the guys talking about how the Japanese people used to be thin until they got Americanized and got fast food over there. Now they're getting fat just like Americans. Robin said that's happening all over the world.
George was saying that he goes over to Japan once in a while and he can get around just fine. He said he's going over there next month for the largest international Sci-Fi convention. He said that he isn't called Sulu over there though. He said everyone else's name is the same but his is different. He said that they changed it from Sulu to Kato because there was no Sulu surname over there and they wanted to change it. He said they call him Kata-san in the replays there. Artie found it amusing that the only thing they didn't find plausible in the show was Sulu's name. They fly around in a space ship but they had to change his name because it wasn't real.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he would be able to perform if he had a threesome that Beth agreed to. Howard said he thinks he could do it but he's really not sure. He said it would be pretty weird in some respects. He said that Beth would really have to want it for him to be into it. Robin thinks that it would ruin the relationship. Howard said it really could be fun and they probably had a few chances but Beth really doesn't want to go there. He said it's just not going to happen.
The caller also asked Howard if he could do the threesome thing or fly out to California to do an appearance for a million bucks. Howard said he'd do the threesome thing. The caller started to play an audio clip that no one knew so Howard hung up on him.
Another caller asked George to calm down on the attacks on William Shatner. George said he wasn't attacking him at all. The caller didn't have a specific thing to bring up but insisted that George attacks him each time he's on. George said he says positive things about him each time he's on the show but also points out that his ego is huge.
Another phone caller was trying to say something about Bubba's show but his phone connection was awful so Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Artie kind of got it and said that he's heard that Bubba is trying to get someone at SIRIUS fired and that guy wants Bubba fired and there's this whole feud going on there. Robin said it's some skateboarding guy, Jason Ellis or someone like that. Artie said that when Bubba is mad it's hilarious.
Howard said Tim came in and told him about this Bubba thing and tried to explain it to him before the show started this morning. Tim said that Bubba is afraid he's going to get fired but no one is threatening that. He said that Bubba is always worried about being attacked by management but he really doesn't know what's going on.
Howard said that they fly Bubba in every couple of months just to get him off the paranoia thing to show that they love him. Robin said she was listening one day and they were talking about Beth and Brent threatened to walk off the show if they continued to talk about her. He wanted nothing to do with the conversation and was afraid that it was going to work out badly for them if they continued.
Gary said that Brent really thinks that they're getting fucked with by ''corporate'' even worse then when they were at Clear Channel. Howard said he had no idea all of that was going on. Howard said they really seem to get upset when they're told that they can't take a guy and electrocute him and then rape him. He said that he's really not their boss either even though they seem to think he is. He said they call him their boss but he didn't hire them, SIRIUS did.
Howard said that he really likes Brent and he'd hire him in a second if anything ever happened to Gary. Bubba knows that Brent would leave too so that kind of upsets him as far as the guys know. Artie said that Bubba is also in a fight with Bob Levy and there were threats of a fight there too. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard played a couple of new George Takei song parody clips and then went on to say that Sal and Richard made a prank call to a funeral director to see just how far they'd be willing to go doing something weird. He played that call where Sal was playing Ed while Richard was playing Edwina and their father's name was Ed as well. Howard said he's amazed that anyone thinks that Richard is a woman when he's doing that woman's voice. He sounds nothing like a woman.
In the call Sal asked the funeral director if they could dress their grandfather up in a clown outfit because he played a clown as a job. They also asked if they could put the casket in a dunk tank. The funeral director wasn't sure if they could do that. They then asked if they could have a closed room because their grandfather was a nudist and they'd like to have him nude. The funeral director asked them to come in face to face because this was getting a little out of hand. Sal started to crack up after Richard told the guy that their grandfather had balls that hung down about half a foot. The guy asked them to come in for a face to face consultation but they pretended that they were really upset. Then Sal went too far and said that their grandfather liked to have kids pee on him and the guy hung up.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who said that she really liked the roast replays last week. Howard said they also ran that music special a couple of weeks ago and that came out really well. They're working on a History of the Howard Stern Show that will run for two weeks sometime soon. The woman on the phone asked when they were going to roast Sal because he might be the perfect subject at this point. Howard said he thinks that they should do that. Howard said he is kind of like a wounded animal right now so it's the perfect time to attack.
Lisa asked Artie how his meeting with Dr. Keith Ablow went. Artie said he spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he told him to call him whenever he has a stressful day. He said he may call him tomorrow because he has to do Conan O'Brien tomorrow night. He said he wants to talk to Dr. Keith about why he has so much anxiety when he does things like that. Howard told him it's because he has to go on a national TV show and be funny.
Artie said he talked to Dr. Keith about this pressure he feels and they're trying to work on that. George was telling Artie that he could use that stress to his advantage. Artie said that's what he's been doing but it's killing him. Artie said that he's afraid that he could be less funny if he goes through this therapy but then he said that Howard doesn't seem to be any less funny since he started going to therapy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got Us magazine and saw that Beth was in there. Howard said that she's got a full page in there. The guy said that he rubbed one out to her picture even though he had gone to the bathroom to drop a deuce. Howard said he's going to tell Beth that tonight. The guy said that he's usually in the bathroom for like 25 minutes but he was out of there after about 52 seconds and the bathroom didn't stink so his wife must have been kind of surprised.
Howard said he went to an event out in the Hamptons for Beth the other night. He said he was miserable but he does it for her. Lisa said that Beth was saying that she thinks the wedding will happen next summer. Howard said he's the one who was saying that. The guys saw Beth's ring in one picture and talked about how huge it was and how she shows it off like she won the Super Bowl or something. Howard said she deserves it after what she's had to put up with.
Artie said Beth looked really good in the Page Six picture they had the other day. They reported on Howard and Beth saving an injured bird they found on the beach. Howard said that they were walking on the beach and this big bird wasn't able to get up and fly. He said that it looked like the bird had done a ton of JD (Jack Daniels) and it was just fucked up. He said that Beth is miss Animal Rights and she had to do something about it. He said the bird was really big and they later found out it was a Gannet. He said that the bird was almost as big as their dog.
Howard said that Beth called a bird sanctuary and they told her to get a box and keep the bird in the box so the water wouldn't come up and drown it. Howard went out and got some boxes from the garage at the house and drove back to the beach. He had to ask the cops not to ticket him because he was saving a bird. Howard said that there were other people walking the beach and just ignoring the bird. He said there was one woman walking the beach topless. He said that was kind of odd because it's kind of a family type area.
Howard went on to explain how they were trying to keep the bird protected from the water rushing in. They were pushing sand up and trying to save it. He said he didn't want to grab the bird because it was in so much distress. The people from the Hamptons Wildlife Rescue just in the nick of time. They wrapped it in a towel and took it away. Howard said he was scared shitless and didn't know what to do so he was glad when they took it.
Howard said they found out the next day that the bird had died. Then he found out that it was a Gannet and that they live out on the open oceans. He said that they never come to the beach but that one was under some kind of stress and now they're studying it to see what's killing them off.
Howard said they went to this wildlife rescue thing and found out that they don't have any money. They're really looking for money. He said that they're strapped for money so much that they buy equipment for each other for Christmas. Howard wasn't sure how that ended up in the newspaper. Robin said that it only happens to Howard too, it would never happen to Artie. He'd never find a distressed bird on the beach.
Howard said he went home after that and said that he wasn't able to eat chicken after the whole bird thing. He said that Beth kept bringing it up and he wasn't able to eat because she kept saying she couldn't eat it after they just saved a bird. Robin said she ate a pigeon while she was over in France. George said he ate a goat down in New Orleans so Artie threw in that he ate a pizza in New Jersey. Howard said he ate three Jews over in Germany. He said they taste like chicken.
Gary said that Jason bought his girlfriend diamond earrings at Christmas and she thought for sure it was a ring. He said that she opened them up and started balling when she saw it wasn't a ring so he had to make up for that by doing this. All of that led to Artie talking about how he has no one to roll with but JD because everyone else is in a relationship. He said that he and JD are the only single guys left on the show.
The guys ended up talking to Jason about his depression medication and found out that the side effects of Lexipro can be impotence so he was prescribed some Viagra just in case. Jason said he doesn't have to use that stuff but he did get the prescription just in case. Jason is only 28 so Howard talked about how young that seems to be. He seemed to think that was pretty young to get married too. Howard said he really likes Jason a lot and congratulated him on the engagement.
Lisa G got back to her news preview and said that Russell Simmons had said a big F-you to Howard recently and he was just upset that he can't come on the show. Howard said he's been on the show before and he's not sure why he went off on him so bad. He said that Russell seems to be a deep thinking guy and he didn't think he'd even want to be on the show. He was on Jay Thomas' show and really went off on him there. He said he'd play the tape after the break. He went to break right after that.
Howard said he read in the paper that Imus is making a come back to radio in the fall and he's out at comedy clubs looking for black people to come on the show to make him look good when he returns. He quickly went over that and said he had a lot of stuff to get to. That led to Robin asking what Fred did over vacation so Howard threw in the ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' song and asked Fred what he did.
Howard said that Fred is very patient to sit there and not say anything in an hour and 40 minute. Fred said he was trying to teach his daughter to swim over vacation. She's only 4 1/2 years old and she doesn't quite know how to hold her breath. Howard thanked him for the update and moved on saying that was fascinating.
Fred said he thinks that Howard is actually going out and injuring those animals he's found on the beach. He thinks he has that Van Munchousen's disease or whatever it's called.
Howard had an audio clip from the Rachel Ray show where she throws out a comment about SIRIUS satellite radio. She said that she's a Howard fan and she has to have one. Howard thought that was very nice.
Howard said that he went to that party for Beth the other night and he did some stuff for Extra and they asked him to cut some lines for them. He refused even though they kept pressuring him to do it. He said he thought about Robin's lines from that show and he just couldn't do it. He played some of her clips from the show where she said some goofy lines for them.
Howard said that they tell you what they want you to say and it's all very gay. Artie aid the way to combat that is to throw in the C-word in the middle of it. Howard said he just refused to do it. He said his segment hasn't aired yet, he just taped it on Saturday. He went on to say that Mark McGrath is the host on that show and he used to be in the band Sugar Ray. He was interviewed on some show recently and had some nice words to say about being a fan of Howard Stern's. He said that's what he listens to in his off time.
Howard had some audio from Jay Thomas' show where Russell Simmons went off on him. Russell said ''fuck Howard'' after Jay mentioned his name. He went off on Howard and Gary for a few minutes and said that he just wants to get on the show but they won't let him. Jay wouldn't bad mouth Howard himself but he let Russell go off on him for a few minutes.
Howard said he did say hello to Russell the other night and he didn't say anything to his face that night. He said that was before he did Jay's show. He said he was over at Ron Pearlman's house for this party and there was no food so he had to leave early. He said he missed Billy Joel and John Bon Jovi performing there too. He said he just wanted to go home, eat and go to sleep. He's not the partying type. He said he was meeting all kinds of famous people there but he just couldn't hang out.
Howard said that Beth asked him if he wanted to go out and eat while they were waiting for the food. Robin figured she did that just because she knew that he was miserable. He wasn't sure that was the reason but said that could have been it.
Artie said that he wants to take everyone out and go see Joe Walsh out at the Beacon and then go out to dinner afterward. He said that it's in August and on a Thursday night so he thinks that they could handle it. Howard said that he'd do it if they were going to go to Scores or something.
Howard said he usually just goes to those parties with Beth because she likes going out doing that stuff. He could sit home and read chess books the whole day instead. Artie said he was watching the original ''Lolita'' movie and said he was thinking about Howard because they were playing chess in the movie. He wondered if Howard makes comments to people when he's playing to make them feel like shit. Howard said he doesn't do that because, when someone makes a mistake, he has a better chance of winning.
Artie and Howard were talking about the chess thing and George asked where Howard meets these people. Howard said he finds them on a Chess site he visits. They talked about how great this world is now that we can play games against people all over the world like that.
Artie told Howard that there was a cool mention of him on ''Entourage.'' Howard said he had that clip and played it. They made a mention of a tranny in the scene and said that she goes on Howard Stern all the time. That led to George and Robin talking about that episode since they had seen it. They said that they showed the tranny's junk in the scene but George thought it was CGI and not a real penis.
Riley asked to speak to George Takei. He said some stuff in Japanese and George tried to speak to him in Japanese but Riley didn't know what he was saying after a few basic words. George said that he and Riley both have Howard using clips to make stuff up. Howard said that Riley doesn't have the same sense of humor that George does though. He said Riley gets very upset with them over stuff like that.
Howard told George about how Riley was abducted by aliens so that led to Riley talking about his dealings with the space aliens. He said he will be in the studio tomorrow and he'll get to meet George. Howard said he's looking forward to that because he hasn't seen him in quite some time.
Riley said that he would like Howard to spring for a dinner for he and his guest but Howard said he won't do that. He said that he has nothing to do with what they pay him there but Riley seems to think that he makes enough to pay for a dinner. Howard said that what he makes has nothing to do with him. Howard said he doesn't owe him anything and he's not concerned with the kind of money he makes. Riley said that he should do the right thing and pay him what he deserves.
Riley said that he doesn't make enough money there and he would like Howard to kick in a little extra. Howard told Riley to listen but Riley threw in a ''fuck you!'' and tried to say something to him. Howard cut him off and said that he sounds silly asking for money from him when he's not the one who pays people. He said that SIRIUS pays Riley and if he wants to do a show there, then he can do it. If he wants to leave, he can leave. Riley said that he would just like a $100 dinner for two and he'd like Howard to pay for it. Howard said he won't do it. He said he has nothing to do with his pay. Riley said ''Bullshit'' to that.
Riley said he does the show there because he has to get the word out to the people because we ''don't have a lot of time... motherfucker.'' George said that doing stuff like this isn't the right way to endear himself to the people out there. He said he thinks that he really was abducted and they scrambled his brains. Riley then went off on George for insulting him. Howard pointed out that he had two people who really speak weird talking to each other.
Artie asked Riley if he's going to not come in if he doesn't get a free dinner. Riley said he can get a hot dog out on the corner if he has to eat. That's all he can afford on the kind of money he's making there. Howard said that they think that Riley's show is funny and that's why they have it on there. He said he has nothing to do with what they pay though. Riley went off on Robin a bit too after she said something to him.
Robin asked Riley why he needs money if he knows the end is coming soon. He said that he can't eat and pay the rent on the kind of money he's making. Howard said that if he was really abducted he could use some of the alien technology to make money himself. Riley said he doesn't have the resources to do that stuff because he doesn't make enough money. He apparently needs money to make money.
Howard said that they'll have Riley on the show tomorrow and they'll learn even more about him. Riley told George that he broke his heart today. He accused him of calling him the N-word but George said he never said such a thing. Riley said it was as if he was calling him that by the way he treated him earlier. Howard told him to drink a lot before he comes in tomorrow. He was trying to wrap up with him but Riley kept talking and talking.
George said that he heard Riley speaking but he's really not sure what he said. Artie said he said ''Blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah... uhhh, blah.'' Howard tried to wrap up with Riley but Riley continued to go off on him about the kind of money he gets paid there. Howard said he has nothing to do with that but Riley refuses to believe him and said ''bullshit'' again when he told him he has no control. Riley told Howard that his personality is about as big as his dick which is nil. Howard finally got him to say good bye and said they'd seen him tomorrow.
Howard said he wouldn't want one of those phones before everyone because they have to work out some kinks. Artie said that Jim was telling him how everything is a touch screen and he thinks that could get kind of sloppy. Howard said that maybe that would stop Artie from eating so much if he had one of those phones. He said the phone looks cool though.
Howard played more of High Pitch Mike's interview with this guy who flew in from Miami just to get one of these phones from the Apple store there. Mike said there must be something better he could be doing with his life. The guy said there really isn't anything better he could be doing. Howard played another interview where Mike asked a guy on line why he was waiting. The guy showed up on a Segway so everyone laughed when they heard that. The guy asks Steve Jobs to come out with a ''gen 2'' version. Mike also asked him why he didn't wait for a couple of months before buying this phone. The guy said that he wanted to wait on line with the other people, that's why he was there on the first day it was available.
George said this is no different than someone waiting on line, the night before, for a movie. The guy that Mike was interviewing on the Segway said that he lives next door to his mom after Mike asked if he lives with her.
Artie said he went to this club and he had met this chick one other time. He said that she told him that she had coke one other time he was out there. He said that she's like 25 years old or so and she's pretty hot. He said she looked hot but she was wearing boots that looked like something from the 80s. He said that she had those acid washed jeans and stuff like that. He said the first time he met her he was with Dana. This time he didn't have Dana with him. This chick ended up figuring out what name he was staying under at the hotel, Sal Caprio, and she was able to get a hold of him.
Artie said that he did this Heinz Hall show early this night and then went to the Funny Bone to do a late show. He went to this hotel in between the shows and he found some messages on his answering machine. He said one of the calls was his mother telling him that it was going to rain the next day. He explained how he had actually driven out there to Pittsburgh on his own and how great it was to be able to listen to SIRIUS on his way out there. Howard cut him off when he was talking about the kind of commercial they should do for SIRIUS.
Howard told Artie to get back to his story so Artie told him about how this chick found his hotel room and left a message for him. Howard asked if she's just ''road hole.'' Artie said that she must know that she's just ''road hole'' but he did tell her that she could call him if she's ever in New York. Howard said that Beth's brother actually asked him to get that ''road hole'' term in on the show so that's why he threw it out to Artie.
Artie said that he got the chick's cell phone number and went to this Funny Bone show. He met two other hot chicks there who wanted to hang out. They had drugs too and he said that everyone out there ''in the mid-west'' must have drugs or something. He said one chick told him that she had everything he could want in her purse. He said he told the one to meet him at the Funny Bone.
Artie said that he was the biggest dick ever to the fans because there were just too many people back stage. He said he had to ask the people to get the fuck out of the green room because he couldn't get his head straight. He said he had to apologize to one chick who said she wasn't a fan anymore after that. He said he managed to get done with the show by about 1:30 in the morning. Howard asked him how he stayed up that late. Artie said that it's the adrenaline that keeps him going. That plus the Jack and water.
Artie said that he had to take care of getting everyone paid so he asked Teddy to take care of the chicks. He said he got their numbers and stuff. Howard told him that's not what to do, he should have told them to meet him somewhere. Artie said he tried to get this one chick on the phone but wasn't able to get in touch with her. It was like 2:30 in the morning by that time. He left her a message and she didn't call back. Then he tried calling the other two chicks and couldn't get a hold of them either. He said one of them finally called back. He said that she told him that they were with a friend of theirs who was a dude.
Artie said that this was the chick who had drugs in her bag so he said that could solve a few problems there. He said that it would wake him up if he took it. Howard told him that would have been a bad idea if he had done that. Artie said he didn't do it, he just told the girl to come over. He was afraid that she was going to have coke or something else like that. The chick never showed up to his room. He ended up calling the other chick back but she wasn't there either so he just went to bed.
Artie said he went out to lunch the next day and got on the road to get out of the city. He got stuck in a traffic jam leaving the city so he called that chick who found him at the hotel under ''Sal Caprio'' and found out she was free for lunch. Artie said that there was no lunch, he said she answered the door ready to play. She was wearing a leather mini-skirt and a Ramones t-shirt with her belly showing. He said she was really, really hot. She made a few drinks and they started fucking around. He said she blew him and he fucked her twice. It was kind of awkward though.
Artie said he wore a rubber with her. He came three times with that chick. He said he hopes that she threw out the Ramones shirt because he blotted out Johnny. He said he used it to clean himself up. He thinks he came on Dee Dee Ramone.
Artie said she had some weed and that stuff is no big deal to him. They put on SIRIUS Classic Vinyl and smoked a little bit. He said he had a little Jack and smoked a little bit and hung out for a little while. He said he took her out to dinner later on. He said he had some chicken parm and that was perfect after the joint. He said that he even called her after he got home.
Howard asked Artie about getting naked in front of this chick even being as big as he is. He said he did do it but she put the shades down for him. He said that she had the lights down and she still did him after watching him putting on a rubber. He said that's not so easy to do being as big as he is. He said that he took her thong off with his teeth because she had such a nice ass. He said he went down on her after that and didn't even care if she had the herps or not. He said that if pussy is the thing that ends up killing him, that would be a cruel joke.
Artie said that he lasted about 4 minutes the first time and about 12-15 minutes the second time. He said she told him she came but he really doesn't care either way. Howard asked Artie if he makes noise and tells the chick he's dropping his load. He said he thinks this chick would marry him if he asked her to. He said he's kind of known her for 3 years now.
George said that he only gets it about once a week these days. He used to be able to come more than once a day but these days it doesn't happen. He said that in the past he was able to come 4 or 5 times in one day. Artie said that this story had gone all wrong with George talking about coming. Artie said his mother isn't going to like that he smoked the pot. He said she thinks that weed is a gateway drug so she's going to be upset with him about smoking.
George asked Artie if he's going to go visit her again. He said that he'd rather fly her out to New York. He said he really liked the chick who wasn't able to make it up to his room that night.
Tim came in and said that there are certain bits that they do on Bubba's show and they can't do some stuff that Bubba wants to do so they have to let him know that. When they tell Bubba that, he thinks that they're out to get him or something. Tim said that no one wants to see anyone get hurt so they let Bubba know that stuff and he gets frustrated. No one is out to fire him according to Tim. Tim said he thinks that Bubba is paranoid about stuff like that because of the things he's gone through in the past.
Howard let Tim go and played a bunch of ''Dropping Loads'' clips and some George Takei song parodies and stuff like that right before going to break.
Howard said that he heard Richard yelled at some kid in a theater recently. Richard said he and Jon Hein and JD went to see Transformers and this guy brought these two kids, who were probably 3 or 4 years old, to the movie. The little girl was crying and the guy let the kid run up and down the aisle to calm her down. Richard said he got so fed up he just started yelling at him to get the kid out of there and the guy actually got up and left.
Howard heard that Richard went down to Atlantic City and did a comedy show and Beetlejuice ended up in his room. He said that they ordered a pizza and Richard and his girlfriend ended up passing out drunk before the pizza showed up. The next morning the pizza box was there but Beetlejuice disappeared. Howard said he could never fall asleep in the same room with Beetlejuice being there. Richard said that he opened the box and saw that the pizza was almost gone but Beet must have paid for it and ate it himself.
Richard said he never saw Beetlejuice until they were getting ready to leave. When he opened the door Beetlejuice was just standing there staring at the door. Gary said that Richard took a Greyhound bus down there and they had all kinds of disgusting things going on when they were coming back. Richard said that it was $31 round trip and they give you $20 when you get there so it's like an $11 trip. He said that he thinks that they should do the next Survivor on a bus going across country.
Richard said he got stuck listening to some old dude with no teeth who was telling him about this book about religion that he wrote. Richard said he got stuck next to that guy on the way home and his girlfriend had to sit somewhere else. Then Richard said he pretended to fall asleep while the guy was talking but then this woman threw up as she was walking down the aisle. He was sitting right near the bathroom so he got to hear her puking for about 10 minutes.
Howard said he heard that Joey Boots was on the Superfan Roundtable talking about how he had made out with Richard one time. Richard said they just touched tongues but he didn't remember the whole thing. Howard went on to play the clip from Superfan Roundtable where Joey talked about how he and Richard just touched tongues. He said they just twirled their tongues around a little, that was it.
George felt Sal's balls and then felt the area where he had something in the pouch. George thought it was one tooth so they had him feeling Sal's penis over and over again. Howard thought Sal was getting hard but he claimed he was actually getting smaller. Sal eventually pulled the item out of his pouch and it turned out to be a battery. Sal and Richard started cracking up but George seemed amazed at the things they do there.
Howard told Sal to try again by shoving something else in that pouch. George said he's had some feelings about these guys being gay. He said his gaydar goes off with them. Sal was cracking up as he was shoveling the next item in his pouch. He told George what could be in there and had him feeling his cock. George wasn't sure where he had the thing so Sal told him it was in his penis. George had the choices of Breath Mint, Toy Teeth or Guitar Pick. George guessed it was a breath mint but it turned out to be the toy teeth. George seemed amazed that he was able to fit that whole thing inside his penis pouch. Then Sal took the teeth and put them in his mouth.
Howard asked George why it was so hard to figure out. Sal is able to fit in some really bit things in there. Sal shoved yet another thing in there but Artie wasn't watching and wasn't saying a word. Sal told George he had the choice of a pen cap, paper clip or a screw. George felt his pouch again and said that it was a paper clip. Sal took out a screw. George thought that must have been painful but Sal didn't seem to have a problem shoving in that pouch of his.
Howard said he'd like to rename the game to ''Can we get George Takei to touch Sal's penis.'' Will asked George if that could be considered cheating. George said it's all for fun and Brad is listening so he knows what's going on there. George told Sal he had no idea that Sal had such a versatile cock. Howard couldn't believe that George played that game.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked the guys not to play that game again. It was too gay for him. Howard said that it was a very gay game and it shows that Sal and Richard are gay right along with George.
Steve Langford came in and gave his Howard 100 News preview. He mentioned that Butch Patrick has a new book out that claims to have a foreword by Howard Stern. He didn't get a real one from Howard so he just took some quotes from the show and used his name. Howard said he was asked to write a foreword but turned it down and just quoted his show. Howard said he doesn't know why they'd do that. He said he could probably sue half the world at this point but he really doesn't care at this point.
Howard said that the new Miss Howard TV was there today so she came in. This was Jamie Hilfiger who was there for the Hottest Regular Chick contest not too long ago. She's Tommy Hilfiger's niece and Benjy was the one who found her. She'll be introducing the Howard TV stuff for August. Howard asked her what she wants to do for a living. She said she wants to be an entertainment broadcaster. Howard told her that Artie is the guy she might want to talk to because he has all kinds of connections. Artie said he's not sure he has time but he'd check his schedule.
Artie said he might have a job for her because he knows an EP over at a basic cable channel. That might be a good stepping stone for her to get into the business. He said he'd like to meet with her at room 2102 at the Four Seasons hotel. Howard told Jamie to ''head for zee hills'' before she got involved with Artie. She then revealed that she has a boyfriend so Howard said that the job offer just dried up.
Jamie told the guys what she was going to be trying out as far as clothing so Howard told her to go get changed and he'd check her out to see if it was a good look. Howard said she should wear Steve Langford's tie and nothing else.
Howard had Steve get back to his news preview. Steve said that the guys were caught off guard that Robin was going to be on Larry King's show. They'll be looking into why it was such a secret. They'll also be talking about High Pitch Eric's eviction case. Steve said that Ralph was bashing the music special on SFN over the holiday vacation. Jon Hein said he heard about that and wondered why Ralph would do something like that. If he didn't like it there was no reason to post something like that.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview after Steve was done. They'll be talking to George about his return to the show. They'll also talk about everyone's vacation stories. That led to Howard asking Robin about her vacation to France and how she went with a few other women. She said they didn't stay in the same room or anything like that.
Jamie came back in dressed in her bikini. Artie said that she was hot as hell and giggled when he saw her come back in. He said he likes the ''compact'' girls like her. Howard told her she's got to wear that outfit on the Miss Howard TV thing. Howard asked her about her boyfriend and told her she needs a man who knows what he's doing to drive that Ferrari body of hers. She said that she's known the guy since high school. Howard told her she needs and overweight 39 year old to take care of her. Artie told her what he'd do with her and it was basically what he did with the chick from Pittsburgh.
Howard asked Jamie if she's ever had an orgasm. She didn't want to talk about that stuff and asked him to move on to the next subject. She said that she's very happy with her boyfriend. She claimed that she didn't have any money but she drives a new Mercedes. She said that her father bought her that after she lost her last car. She said he owns a construction company.
Artie said that the only problem with these Miss Howard Stern chicks is that they're all taken. He said they need to get some single chicks. Jon Hein said he just stuck around to check her out and didn't have anything else to add to his Wrap Up Show preview. Artie told him to go home and NOT masturbate to that. He said he doesn't know how Jon can't jerk off to stuff like that.
Sour Shoes called in during the news and said he wanted to play some Abba songs in honor of George Takei being there. Sour Shoes did some ''Dancing Queen'' for him and threw in some George Takei clips. Howard said he got an email from someone asking if Sour Shoes was autistic. The writer thinks that he shows signs of it in the things he does. Sour Shoes didn't answer himself, he broke into song and asked his mom to sing along with him. He started to sing again but Howard hung up on him saying that he just wanted an answer. He figured he may have hit on something by asking about the Autism thing.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he got a vasectomy and it wasn't nearly as bad as he expected it to be. Howard said he'd like to get that done but he's heard that it might increase the chance of prostate cancer. The guy said that he's not in any pain right now but when they stuck the needle in his sack it did hurt. He just had this done last Friday. Howard said he's very sensitive down there and he doesn't even like when a chick touches his sack. He said he knows one guy who likes to have a chick smack his balls while tugging on his sack.
The caller was only 32 and doesn't have any kids so that's why he went ahead with this thing. He said he wanted kids when he was younger but as he got older he realized he didn't want any. His 24 year old girlfriend doesn't want any either. Howard told him that she might change her mind, she's still young. Howard told the guy to give him a call after he drops his first load or whatever he drops after an operation like that.
Howard and the guys all thought that the 24 year old is too young to be saying that she never wants kids. Artie said that he once told Dana that he hated dogs but that didn't stop her from getting one. He said it wasn't even just a dog, it was a Wooly Mammoth.
Another caller told Howard that he had a vasectomy and it was no big deal. He was able to have sex 4 days later and he's still dropping loads that are about the same as they were before the operation. He said he's 38 but had 3 kids already. He said that if he had one more kid, he's not sure he'd be able to take it so he got the vasectomy done.
Howard tried to take a call from Blue Iris but she wasn't there. He kept repeating ''Sexy Blue Iris from L.A. is on the phone, are you there?'' but she wasn't answering. Howard gave up after a short time. He did play an old Jack and Rod Show where Blue Iris played the part of Lady Bird Johnson talking to an author they were interviewing.
Robin went through the rest of her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:55am. George Takei told Howard he wanted another try and playing the ''Guess what's in my pouch'' game before the week is up. Stay tuned.
Howard started off the show saying that George Takei was sitting in this week. He said that George did something on the show yesterday that got him into trouble with his boyfriend Brad. George said that Brad asked him which hand he used with Sal yesterday when he played ''Guess What's In Sal's Pouch.'' He was very sullen all day yesterday. Howard told George that all of them have gone through the same thing with their wives and girlfriends.
George said that it wasn't sexual when he was touching Sal's penis during that game. Howard said he's told his women the same thing when he's touched other women. Howard said he had some audio from the Wrap Up Show yesterday where George thought it wasn't going to be a big deal. He played that clip and George says that he had spoken to Brad and Brad said that they had to talk about what happened when he got back to the hotel.
Artie told George a story about going on vacation and running across an old Howard Stern E! show where he was grabbing some chick's tits and Dana saw it just as they were about to have sex. He knows how he feels.
George said that Brad told him that he wanted to walk out like Artie did during that show yesterday but he just kept listening. Howard wondered if Brad was going to get back at him by touching someone else's penis. George said he did say something about thinking that Richard Christy was cute. Howard and Robin suggested that he let Brad come in and touch Richard's penis. George said he doesn't want that to happen. He said he had to plead with Brad to have lunch with him yesterday after that all went down. He really didn't want to go with him.
George said that Brad was so upset that he didn't even go with him to pick up some tickets to a show they were going to go to. He said it really wasn't a sexual thing though and he doesn't think it was that big of a deal. Robin said that it was great when he said he wanted another go at it yesterday. George said that's no longer on and he won't be playing that game again.
Howard played a theme song for the game ''Guess What's In Sal's Pouch'' from Mike Morse. Howard said they were going to have George play a new game where he'd go fishing in Sal's asshole for items called ''asshole fishing.'' Howard said that George was really innocent in all of that and just doing it for the good of the show.
George said that sex is out this week because of that whole thing. He said that their one day a week sex is out and he had to sleep on the couch last night. He said he thinks he'll be okay tonight though. He said that time heals all. Howard asked George if he was going to apologize to Brad on the air. George said he won't apologize because he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. He also said that Brad isn't going to be listening this morning but he will be reading the rundown on the internet.
George said he is sorry if he hurt his feelings but it may have been misinterpreted. He said this shows that Brad really cares about him. George said he's already told Brad all of that and he doesn't need to do it on the air. He said that he tried to kiss him yesterday but he turned his face so he only got his cheek. This morning he got a kiss on the lips. Howard heard that and said he was going to throw up. Artie said that means that ass fuckin' must be right around the corner then.
George said that it's very meaningful that Brad is hurt. Howard asked George if Brad would come in and play the game with Sal to get even. George said he doesn't like to go public and he probably wouldn't play. Brad was pointing out that it was national radio that he did it on yesterday. Artie said that he thought George was the girl in the relationship but now he feels that Brad is. He told George that the worst thing is when they have someone interpreted that stuff for them and it gets all twisted around.
Howard took some phone calls and Gay Ramone called in and asked if George or Brad have ever had anal contractions after getting fucked up the ass. He explained that and said that it feels like you're having a baby. Howard asked George if that has ever happened but George said that he won't answer that this morning. He said that he knows that Brad is listening even though he said he wasn't going to. Artie said he was biting into a buttered bagel just as he was saying that stuff.
Sal said that he was going to leave and then that guy The Sim came in that day. He said that he went home to his friend's house and said he wasn't coming home and told her about finding the phone number and how he was putting so much effort into saving the marriage. He said that his wife told him that the numbers on the phone weren't that guy's and they were probably wrong numbers. She said that she did call the number back but it wasn't that guy who called.
Howard said he couldn't figure out what was going on there. It sounded very odd to him. Artie said he was still stuck on George and Brad's issue. He said that he thinks that Brad could have let him off the hook after a half hour or so. Robin said that if Artie had played a game where he had touched breasts, he'd get into trouble with his girlfriend if he had one. Howard said that Brad is just giving him a preemptive strike and letting George know where that line is.
Howard said that maybe Brad is getting insecure with all of George's popularity these days. He's on a hit TV show and getting a lot of attention. Howard told George that he might have to go home and give Brad a blow job. George said that people are just as interested in Brad as they are in him. He's got his own popularity going with his. Howard said that George has to go home today and apologize again and then drop to his knees and use his mouth and hand on Brad. Howard and Artie joked around about what that might be like and Artie pretended that he had a cock in his mouth as he was talking.
Howard asked Sal more about this phone call thing with his wife. Sal said that his wife got two calls at about two in the morning and claims she didn't know who had called so she returned the call to find out who it was. They were out that night and she didn't know who it was. She didn't get anyone when she returned the call so she called back the next morning and still didn't get anyone. Sal asked her to conference call the guy and pretend that she knew him. She did that and they found that the guy had dialed the wrong number.
Robin said that this is going to get Sal into trouble because he's doing this investigative work on his own. He said that you can't do your own work like that, you have to let someone else do it. Sal said that everything is back to normal now and things are going good after that wake-up call. Howard told Sal that Christine looks really cute too, he was watching her on some show and found her to be very attractive. Sal agreed that she still looks great.
Howard read through some e-mail about George being back on the show and everyone seems to be happy to have him back. Howard said that one guy was asking for more attacks on William Shatner. Yesterday some guy called in and asked George to cut back on the attacks but this person was asking for even more. George said he had a few announcements to make and tried to find something specific. He couldn't find what he was looking for so Howard played some edited clips of George saying some other odd things.
George eventually found the announcement that he was looking for and read through that. It was a made up short story about how he had urinated on Bill Shatner one time that the guys wrote for him.
Captain Janks called in and asked George if Brad was a Star Trek fan when he met him. George said that he was a fan but Brad was a star of his own in this running group they were both in. He said that Brad was a star marathoner. Brad used to run a marathon in 3 hours and 9 minutes. George did his best at 3 hours and 39 minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who told George to just wait until Brad gets to see Sal's penis on Howard TV because it's so ugly. He said that might calm Brad's fears. George did say that it was mostly just foreskin and it wasn't all that attractive.
Henry mentioned that he saw Howard on Extra TV last night so Howard talked about that for a short time. Howard asked Henry what he's been up to lately. Henry said he's been painting his ass off. Howard joked that he was going to give Beth Henry's head as a gift. Henry begged for a mention of his art work which is available on eBay.com. He said you can search his name on there and find his stuff.
Henry was asking Howard to fly him in there to New York but when Howard didn't say yes, Henry called him a cheap Jew. Howard said he never even said no, he just didn't say yes. Howard asked Artie if he gets jealous of Henry and wants to be drunk right along with him. Artie said he is kind of jealous. Howard told Henry he had to get going and let Henry go. He played a prank call the guys made using some clips of Henry from the time he was on the show and so wasted that he wasn't able to speak. He was telling Lisa G that he wanted a caramel machiatto but Lisa thought he was saying he wanted to come on her face. Howard quickly told that story and then went to break.
Howard said he got a letter from a woman who said that she needs help getting into porn. He said he'd talk to her after Lisa G's Howard 100 News preview. Lisa came in and said that she saw Howard and Beth on Extra and they were both dressed very nice. She said that Beth was wearing a Channel dress and a nice bracelet. Howard said that he didn't want to be tagged as overly romantic and pointed out that Artie carried around a diamond in his pocket for months for Dana.
Howard said that Beth wanted this bracelet and he told her to just go get it if she wanted it. The bracelet is this Cartier lock bracelet that stays on forever. Howard said that he didn't go out and buy it, she saw it, like it and bought it herself.
Howard played some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Artie told the guys about the fruity stuff that he did for Dana. He said that he and Dana picked a sentence that he'd say on the air and it would mean that he was thinking about her. He said that Dana thought that it was the most romantic thing in the world. He said that he'd throw out a line about some sports thing or something like that which he'd throw out on the air so she'd know he was thinking about her. Howard said he should have told her that whenever he was squeezing Pam Anderson's tits, he was thinking of her.
Howard said that Artie revealed something else on the Wrap Up Show and he doesn't think he got it right. He played the clip where Artie claims that Dr. Keith Ablow told him that maybe he should have a kid with a girl he's not married to. Artie said that Dr. Keith thinks he should knock up some chick and not get married. Robin and Howard both said that sounds crazy and maybe Artie is misinterpreting it. Artie said that he told Dr. Keith that he really wants a kid and that's what he suggested.
Howard had Lisa get back to her stories. She said she spoke to the woman who came and helped with the injured bird that Howard and Beth found. The woman's husband is an executive producer on Conan O'Brien's show. That led to Artie saying that he's doing Conan O'Brien tonight and Jessica Biel is also on the show. The guys talked about Jessica and how hot she is. Howard didn't seem to be a huge fan of her's but said he probably would bang her if he had the chance.
Howard said that over at Letterman they keep the guests so far apart that you never see them. Artie said that he figures he'll be right next to Jessica's room when he's over at Conan.
Howard said that Dixie's dream is to be gang raped. He asked her what that means. She said that she'd like to be forced to do that by a bunch of guys. She said she would be happy to see that story in the news if he was to happen. She said that she actually wants it to happen, she doesn't want to just play it out with someone.
Howard said that Dixie has said that she'd like to have sex with a horse and a dog as well. She had a dog that would perform oral sex with her. She said that she would put peanut butter there and the dog would lick it off. She said she was very young when that happened. She had never done it before and she wanted to see what it was like. She mentioned that she has a fiancé around that time so that kind of came as a surprise.
Howard asked Dixie when she started having sex with women. She said she was about 8 she started acting out porno scenes. She said that she found it in her father's TV. She said that she doesn't have sex with black guys and she won't because she feels that people should stick to their own race. But she is willing to have sex with a do and/or a horse. She said that they got her there. Howard said that some people might get upset about something like that.
Howard asked Dixie if her parents would be more upset if she brought home a horse or a black man. She said that she really couldn't say, she wasn't sure. That got Artie laughing pretty hard. Howard read that she learned about sex from a registered sex offender. She said that she lied to the guy about her age and got involved with him. Howard read that she loves clowns and loves Yucko the Clown. She said that she really does.
Howard asked George to pretend to be a talking dog and act out a scene with her. George started barking right away. He was making all kinds of odd noises but Dixie wasn't working well with George. Howard asked Benjy to be the dog and he started growling at her. Then he started throwing out some lines about licking her pussy and his dog penis sticking out like a lipstick.
Howard took over for Dixie and acted out the scene for her since she didn't seem to get it. He and Benjy did that for a few seconds and then asked Dixie to do what he had just done. Dixie tried to play along with Benjy but it just wasn't working.
Howard read that Dixie has a 46 year old boyfriend and she used to date his step-son. She's only 20. Howard said that there's nothing average about this girl. He also read that she's on a web site masturbating for old men. He then read that she moved out of her parent's house when she was 16 and hasn't spoken to them since. He told her that he'll see if there's anyone interested in getting her into porn and they'd let her know. He asked her if she'd be willing to have sex with a black guy to get into it. She said ''Uhh, no.'' She was still willing to do the horse but not the black guy.
Howard gave Dixie an F, Marry, Kill game with a Jew a Black and a Dog. She said she wouldn't kill anyone. Howard told her she had to do it so she said she'd fuck the dog, marry the Jew and kill the black. Artie gave her another one. He said Michael Jordan, an Irish Setter with worms and Howard Stern. She said she'd fuck Michael Jordan, Marry Howard and kill the dog.
Howard checked the phones to see if anyone wanted to get this girl into porn. He had one guy who wanted to rape her. That guy asked for her address but Howard hung up on him before that happened. Howard let Dixie go after that.
Artie said that TV has gotten weird because they're actually making sitcoms based on reality shows. It's very weird to him that they do that.
Howard said that this Russell Simmons guy was bad mouthing him the other day and he was using the N-word quite a bit and he thought that Simmons was one of the guys talking about bringing and end to the use of the N-word after the Michael Richards' thing. He went on to play some clips of Russell using the N-word during his visit to Jay Thomas' show when he was going off about not being allowed on Howard's show. He was throwing that N-word around quite a bit. George said that it sounds habitual.
Howard read an article about how Russell had asked for the N-word and other terms to be banned. Gary said that Lisa G spoke to him about that yesterday. She came in and said that he told her that he won't stop his artists from using the words because it's an art. Howard said that Russell was using them in anger so he wasn't doing them as an art form. George said that he apparently has no principles. Robin said that maybe they should talk to him now that all of this has gone down. Howard had George Takei do a quick announcement as they were going to break.
Robin said she saw Prince one time and he was playing records and dancing. He wasn't performing live, he was just dancing while playing the albums. She said she had to go home in the middle of it.
Artie asked Howard how he feels being ''Hamptons Royalty'' right now. Howard said he didn't know that's what he was. Artie said that Howard is part of that whole crowd out there now. Howard said that bugs him but everything bugs him. He's very irritable about that stuff. He picked up a phone call from this guy who saw him on PerezHilton.com. The guy says that Howard looks awful in the picture while Beth looks beautiful. The guy agrees with Artie on the Hamptons royalty thing.
Artie said that guy Perez Hilton put an awful picture of him up on his site. He said that Perez drew a picture of a heart around his cock. He said it was up there for months after that because he had people mentioning it to him for a while.
Howard said he really doesn't see himself as one of those famous people hanging out in the Hamptons but he guesses he must be since he gets invited to all of those parties out there. Howard spent a few minutes talking about all of that before he moved on to some other stuff.
Howard played the prank call that Sal and Richard did to a sports call in show. Richard told the guys he was popping a zit on his cock but they cut him off before he got that cock word out. Then Sal called in with his son and had the kid tell them they stink. Richard called back doing one of his female voices. He threw out the term ''cunt lips'' a couple of times without being cut off but as soon as he said ''cock'' they'd yell out ''OHHHH'' and cut him off. Sal then called in doing his black voice and asked if pussy tastes good with bar-b-cue sauce on it. Richard called in again and threw out an F-word. Robin said that Richard sounds the same in every call and she can't believe they don't realize it.
Howard said Gary Garver was out doing some interviews at some benefit dinner for Mort Saul. He got an interview with Jay Leno and asked him about who does the best Leno impression. Jay said he thinks that George Clooney did a good one. Gary then asked Jay if he'd like to apologize to Howard Stern. Jay started doing this lame bit where he pretends that the microphone is being cut off. He did tell Gary to say hi to Howard for him.
Howard said that there really doesn't seem to be a person there with Jay because he won't acknowledge anything real. He doesn't like Jay and he's said it on the air but Jay pretends that there's nothing wrong. Howard said he used to enjoy having a relationship with Jay in the past and liked doing his show until he went behind his back and hired Stuttering John away. He said that it was the way he went about it that bothered him. John being hired wasn't a problem for him.
Howard said that Jay is very sensitive about that stuff himself because he's gone crazy when other people have hired his people away from his show. George Takei let Howard know that he would never be hired away by Jay's show.
Howard played another interview that Garver did. He got one with Bud Friedman who said that he thinks Howard goes a little too far with his material. He said he likes subtlety. Then he says that he thinks that Chris Rock is the best comic out there! Rock is one of the dirtiest and least subtle guys out there.
Howard played another clip where Garver interviewed Fred Willard who was a big fan of the show. He said he misses Billy West on the show but he loves Beetlejuice. He said that he loves Eric the Midget too but he's heard that he's been banned from the show. Fred was talking about Jeff the Drunk as well. Dick Van Patten was there with Fred Willard and said he loves Jeff the Drunk too.
Howard played another interview where Garver interviewed Harry Shearer. Shearer said that he doesn't like Howard because he won't let him on the show. Howard said he likes Harry and he doesn't mean any harm by it. Harry went off on Howard a little bit in the interview.
Garver interviewed this guy Paul Pierce who asked to come on the show. He said he's a fan of the show and would love to be on.
He said there's this documentary about the doll and he wanted to play it on the show. He played one part where this guy talks about living with his parents and buying one of these dolls. He has a name for the doll and talks about how his parents seem to have a problem with his relationship with her. He said that the doll spends about 99.9 percent of her time in his room. At the end of the interview the guy says something about having the place to themselves. Creepy.
Howard played another clip from the documentary where this guy talks about being glad that he doesn't have to worry about the doll getting pregnant or giving him any disease. Howard told Doug that they have to get that on Howard TV. He said he knows that Doug has been in contact with the guy who made the documentary and they're trying to get it on HTV.
Howard played another clip where this guy talks about his doll being in need of repair. They talk about how the guy is going to send his doll off for repairs and she's going to be away for about 3 weeks.
Howard told George that he, Fred and Ronnie all had sex with the Real Doll they had but they only did it once and didn't go back. He told George that it was just a rubber hole that he used when he got oral from the doll. He got back to the clip where this guy is saying goodbye to his doll that's going off for repairs. He kisses her goodbye and said that he's never had anyone to say goodbye to. He gets his doll back a couple weeks later and talks about how she's new again. He said he tries to date ''organic women'' but things don't work out. He said that he likes more constant things like a doll can give him.
Howard and the guys were looking at some of the dolls and Howard was saying he'd like the legs to be a little bit longer. He played another clip where this guy talks about his multiple dolls who he has names for. He talks about how much he likes a certain doll and then they interview his real girlfriend who is kind of confused by his love of these dolls. The girlfriend is ''introduced'' to the dolls and freaks out on the guy. He shows her two but says he has 8 total. The girlfriend sounds shocked that he has eight of them. She asks him if he uses them all. The guy says ''not at one time.'' The girlfriend says she needs a beer after finding out all of this stuff. She doesn't seem to have a problem with it though.
Howard said he'd like to get this played in a big theater with some fans. The guys spent a little more time talking about the dolls and how expensive they've gotten over the years. Artie seemed that he was getting convinced to go the Real Doll way and get one himself.
Howard said that there was a Star Trek episode where these dolls would have been great so he talked to George about that. Howard said that if he was going to make a documentary about something he'd use George as the voice over.
Howard played another clip where the guy who makes the dolls talks about how he gets about 400 orders a year for the dolls. They talk about how they ship about 7 a week and they get a lot of odd requests for things. They've had people ask for pregnant Real Dolls and one guy asked for one to look like an 80 year old. One guy asked for hair all over the doll's pubic area but they refused to do that so they just sent him the hair to put on himself.
Howard showed George the male Real Doll and wondered what he'd do with it. George wasn't talking about what he'd like to do to it because of what he went through with Brad yesterday. Artie said that he'd give $2500 to Richard if he blew that male doll. Everyone was pretty sure he'd go through with it no problem.
Howard asked George what he'd do to that male doll but George wasn't sure how it would feel so he wasn't really sure. Howard found out that Richard sucked a fake penis on Bubba's show one time so he'd definitely blow this doll. He said he had to take a break after that.
Artie said that he's never met Riley before so this is a big deal for him. Howard had him come in a short time later and gave him a plug for his web site RileyMartin.com. Riley was much calmer than he was yesterday. Howard said that he was missing a tooth too. Riley said that he could get a new one if they were paying him well there. He didn't seem to want to get into that today though.
Howard said that he's not a believer in this alien stuff, he said he thinks that Riley sees aliens when he gets drunk. Riley said that when he gets drunk, he sees a half a billion dollar cheap Jew. Howard asked him why he hides his wife from them. Riley said she doesn't want anything to do with the show and she definitely didn't marry him for his money.
Howard told Riley that he's not in charge of his financial well being and he didn't tell him he has to work there. Riley said that he would just like to be paid a little more than he's making now. Howard said that he can't control that.
Howard asked Riley if he really believes he was abducted by aliens. Riley said that he has been questioned over and over again and there are people who believe him. Howard told Riley that he must be jealous of him or something, that's why he's always bringing up his money. Riley said he's not jealous, he can't be when he's only making $37. Howard told Riley that maybe he should go work somewhere else if he doesn't like his pay.
Howard asked Riley how he lost his finger. Riley said that it was taken by the aliens in 1988. Riley also told Howard that he has 3 children here on earth and 6 others who are aliens. He said he might have one in Mexico as well.
Howard asked George what got Riley so riled up yesterday. George said he questioned Riley's experiences, that's all. Riley went off on George and told him to research him and then dismiss him, not just dismiss him without finding out more about him.
Howard asked Riley about the jail time he did. Riley said that he did 2 and a half years for allegedly planting 2 acres of herb. He said that he didn't do it himself, someone snuck onto his property and grew it there. He said he found the stuff growing on his property and cut it down. Then he hung it in his barn because he was going to burn it in a bon fire. Howard and the guys laughed when they heard that explanation.
Howard said that he was going to ask Tim and the rest of the guys there to give Riley a raise. He won't give him his own money though. Riley said he doesn't want Howard's money, he'd like for him to make 5 times as much as he makes but he doesn't want them to starve him.
Howard said that there's a film about Riley on his web site that's quite amazing. Dominic Barbara called in after that and said that he would like to pay for his new tooth and that he's a big believer in his alien stories. He said that he also had Riley's rap sheet and found that he has a couple of felonies on it. He said that he had enough marijuana in his possession to get the entire city of Newark high. Riley said that he didn't plant that himself, someone planted it on his property and he was driving it down to the police station when he ran out of gas. Then he had people coming up to him asking for some and he sold it to get money to buy gas.
Dominic said Riley had 611 pounds of weed in his car when he was arrested. He went on to talk about some of the other problems Riley has had. Dominic said there was an incident with a woman on his rap sheet but Riley didn't seem to want to go there. Dominic asked Riley to talk about some of the other problems he's had and there was one where he had a shotgun in his house. Riley said that it's not illegal to have a shotgun in the house even if you've been accused of a felony. Dominic said that he thinks that the white man has kept Riley down and he deserves more money for what he does.
Howard took a call from Wood Yee who told Howard to get him off the air. They had Wood Yee pre-recorded asking Riley a bunch of questions and asking him to admit that he's a scam artist among other things. Riley gave him a few comments and basically told him to go away. Howard played some of Dan the Song Parody Man's song parodies using his audio clips.
George told Riley that there are a lot of people out there who believe that they've had experiences like this and they can't take him seriously. Riley said he's taken IQ tests and lie detector tests as well. He said that he was found to have a 200 IQ so Howard figured that he was a genius. Riley said he never claimed that though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Riley is more ungrateful than Eric the Midget is. The guy asked Riley who else would pay him to do a show. Riley said that the callers sister an mom might just do that. The caller told Riley to make a life for himself instead of depending on other people to do it for him. George agreed with him and told Riley that's what he should do.
Richie Wilson from Howard TV called in and said that Riley told him that his birds had put a hit out on him and tried to have him killed. George said that it seems that Riley has a Victim mentality and thinks that everyone is out to get him. Richie also said that Riley dry humped him there. Riley told Richie he never wants to see him at his house again.
Howard said that he really would like the people at SIRIUS to give Riley a raise. He enjoys his show, which airs on Tuesday's at midnight and replays on Saturday at 7, and he'd like them to give him more money.
Howard said that Riley's son Victor Love was there. He wondered why he didn't have the same last name. Riley said there comes a time in your life when you have to change your name. Victor came in and said that he has never seen aliens himself but he has seen an alien ship, once. He said that they saw it over Rt. 78 and he had never seen anything like it before. Victor had a similar way of speaking that Riley does so Howard pointed that out. Victor said that he's a skeptic himself so he questioned it when he saw that ship flying.
Howard was talking to Victor a little bit but Riley started to get upset with their line of questioning. Howard was asking Victor about his job because he's a masseuse. He had asked him what he does if a guy asks him to rub one out. Riley flipped out on Howard and the rest of the guys for going there with his son.
Victor told Howard that he did two years in prison for selling cocaine. The guys figured he was following in his father's footsteps there. Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard who was doing an alien impression trying to goof on Riley. He asked her not to fall into that whole thing though.
George asked Victor about the time he saw this UFO he claims to have seen. Riley said that his son may have been being chased down by the Niptonians. He got in a plug for his web site after that and gave some plugs to this guy who created the web site for him. He said that they are marketing geniuses.
Howard asked Victor why he changed his name and found out that Riley was the one who changed his name from Riley Martin to Victor Love but then went back to Riley. Howard then had the guys bring in Riley's on air partner Eron. Howard spent a short time talking to him and found out that he's making a living working with Riley these days. He said that it is tough being his partner because he can be in a foul mood once in a while. He also said that he went through Riley's material and found that he hasn't been able to find any holes in his stories at this point. He said that he still has a fear of Riley though.
Riley was still going off on Howard for not paying him that well. He said that if he did pay him, he'd love him forever. Howard asked Eron about his name and found out that Riley gave him that name. Howard gave the guys some plugs and Victor got in a plug for his web site X-Sophy.com.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and told everyone to listen to his radio show and check out his web site RileyMartin.com. Riley put the word out that this world isn't long to be if we continue to do things the way we do.
Riley's manager Nino came in and told Howard that they've sold a decent amount of the piss jugs they have for sale on Riley's web site. He told Howard how he talked Riley into giving up his old web site for this new one. Howard told him the site looks great too. They brought along a talking Riley bobble head for Robin and had it talk a little bit for her.
Artie told Riley he was happy to have met him and he wanted to buy one of his symbols from him. He also said he'd like to buy about 200 pounds of that weed he had as well. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he was very nice about it and he told them he didn't want to write anything for his book. He likes Butch but he doesn't do that kind of stuff. Steve said that they also have a story about how Sam Simon wasn't invited to the Simpson's movie that's coming out later this month. He's going to wait to see it on DVD. Artie said they had a major falling out there and the three creators were arguing about money and stuff so there are some harsh feelings there.
Artie said that Sam is friends with a lot of the guys there but the major guys, James Brooks, Sam and Matt Groening don't talk. Howard said that they reran the Sam Simon piece on 60 Minutes recently about how he saves dogs.
Howard said that Sam Simon sent him a note about the iPhone he got from Drew Carey and how it kind of crapped out on him after just 3 days. Howard said he'd wait for the next generation to come out before he'd buy one. Artie said he thinks that Sam is out playing in a big poker tournament. It's like a seven week long event and he doesn't know who has the time to do something like that. He knows how Sam can do it but other people he's not so sure about.
Steve said they'll also have a story about Jeff the Drunk's gaping wound. He's supposed to have a skin graft soon and they'll have more on that. Howard took a few phone calls and one guy asked if Artie would weigh himself because he has a bet with his landlord and he could stay longer if he gets him to weigh himself. Artie told the guy that he doesn't care if he gets evicted and he's not going to get on the scale.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris who said she was mad at Howard. Howard told her he was mad at her for not picking up yesterday. She didn't know that happened. She went on to complain about Howard TV and how they cut out her interview and didn't put her web site and all in the episode she was on. Howard told her to get in a plug for herself now then. She said that she was asked to go on a couple of other radio shows but she turned it down. She said that Mancow guy asked her to come on but she turned it down because she only goes on Howard's show. Howard asked her to just get to her plug. Blue got in a plug for BlueIrisProducts.com and then Steve wrapped up his Howard 100 News preview.
Jon Hein was up next with his Wrap up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Riley's visit today and also about Dixie Lee's call and also about George's problems with Brad. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Ralph called in and said that Gisele isn't hot and Fred is wrong again. He said that she looks kind of mannish to him. Howard told Ralph that Fred already had his segment and he was done with that whole thing. He hung right up on him.
Howard ended up doing his Ted Kennedy impression during the news when Robin brought up a story about him. Fred got in on it a little bit as well and did his Kennedy ''Er, uh'' impression a little bit as well. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show a short time later around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show saying that he had to leave the show at 10 this morning. He told Robin she might want to start her news now. He said he had a commitment he had to get to today and had to leave on time. He played Robin's news theme so Robin read some news. She brought up a clip about the collapse of one of the girls from Destiny's child. The clip was up on YouTube but it was taken down. That led to the guys talking about YouTube and how they just let people put up anything there.
Howard said that they let people put Howard TV stuff up there and people can just download it for free. He said that they claim that it's like a big commercial but that's bullshit to him. George Takei said that it's simple thievery as far as he's concerned. Howard said that if they took all the Star Trek episodes, someone like George Takei could lose out on royalties and things like that.
Howard said that there's a bit argument going on right now about internet radio and how music companies are trying to charge them for the songs they play. Howard said that the record business has to make money and that's the kind of thing they have to do now to keep making money.
Howard played another clip where a caller told Riley that Howard has helped all of the guys like Richard and Sal negotiate their contracts. Riley agreed and figured the caller was right. Howard said that caller sure knew how to get Riley worked up by telling him that. Riley went off on Howard and the cheap bastards at SIRIUS for not paying him enough money.
Howard took a call from a guy who said one of Riley's famous alien lines ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and George said he thought it sounded a lot like American Indian to him. He recited a line that he knew that was Indian and it did sound kind of similar.
Howard said that all of them have had similar discussions with their wives and girlfriends so they know what it's like. George said that Brad has met Sal and Richard and he thought that Richard was kind of cute. He said that he will not come in and touch his penis like Howard wanted him to though. George said that he and Brad kissed last night but that's as far as he can go with the discussion.
Howard said that after the shower he figures that George and Brad must have done something. He figured that George had gone down on Brad and had his face in his crotch. George said that Howard has a very perceptive and discerning mind. George asked Artie if he wanted to go see Kabuki with he and Brad. Artie quickly told him ''no.''
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made using clips of Riley saying his lines ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and ''Quai unza la ji wan'' to a Chinese food restaurant employee. He was trying to place an order and used those words. Howard also played a song parody where they used clips of Riley talking about the aliens.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he liked the Mammary Lane show that Jason and Will did while they were on vacation. Howard let him go and then took a call from someone playing clips of Riley going off on Howard and the guys. Howard played along with it so they could get George to talk to the audio clips. George thought he was talking to him but ''Riley'' was going off on him calling him a ''fucking dork'' and saying ''fuck you'' whenever he'd say something. George told Riley that he's a fascinating person and tried to give him some advice but the clips of Riley weren't listening to him.
Howard let George go with the Riley clips for a few minutes. George was having a whole conversation with the clips. Howard eventually told George that it was a tape and George started to laugh. He didn't believe them for a few seconds but eventually came around and believed that he had been had once again. Howard and Fred played a bunch of George Takei song parodies and stuff like that after that. Howard told George that Fred is actually an android too and he figured he had to break the news to him about that. He had to go to commercial after that.
Before Howard came back we heard a prank call that Sal and Richard did to Eric the Midget to jerk him around a little bit. Howard came back after that. He asked George to do an announcement so he did a quick one and introduced The Howard Stern Show. Howard mentioned that George would be there all week long.
Howard said he was watching a tribute to Paul Simon over the weekend and it was a pretty good concert. He said they had a bunch of people like James Taylor in the concert as well. He said that Bob Costas was the announcer and he did a great job doing that. That led to the guys talking about Bob and what a great interviewer he is too. Howard said that the only person more eloquent at introductions is Lonnie from Scores. He said that Lonnie should be giving speeches like Bob does. Robin said that maybe they'll have Lonnie give Howard his eulogy.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever met Paul Simon. Howard said he never did but he met his brother Eddie. He said his brother looks exactly like his brother. He saw him on a plane one time and saw a bunch of kids coming up to him asking him for autographs. He'd tell them that he wasn't who they thought he was but they'd insist on an autograph.
Howard was talking about his inability to do anything athletic. He retold the story about how he played catch with his father one time and the first time he threw the ball, he nailed his father in the nuts. Artie said that Howard is a great height to play basketball but Howard told him he has no skills at all.
That led to the guys talking about Robin playing basketball against Dominic Barbara. Robin said that she knew she wasn't going to do well and she never claimed that she had any basketball skills. She ended up getting pissed off that day when they played because she insisted she wanted nothing to do with the game.
Howard said he had friends who had a basketball hoop in their yard but he was just never good. He could never play even if he was the right height. George said that if he concentrated on it like he does with chess, he probably could be good at it. Howard insisted that he wouldn't and said that he could never be good.
Howard said that he had Paul Simon on the phone and when he picked up, it was Sour Shoes doing some Paul Simon songs. Sour Shoes was singing as soon as Howard picked up. Robin asked if he just sits around waiting for them to talk about singers so he can do his thing. Howard said that this is a guy who is like 38 years old and still living at home.
Howard asked Sour Shoes to perform certain songs but Sour Shoes actually drew a blank with one of them. That might be a first. Howard said that they showed a clip of Paul Simon singing a tribute song to Joe DiMaggio. Artie said that DiMaggio hated that song but Howard said that he apparently came to like it. That got Sour Shoes singing the song a little bit.
Howard said that Joe DiMaggio wasn't the brightest guy. He kept diaries and would write in a journal his dopey thoughts and there weren't very many profound things in there. It was more like ''I took a bath today.'' Howard said the diaries are actually up for sale but no one is sure what to do with the journals. Artie told some stories about DiMaggio. Gary came in and said that DiMaggio's diaries actually weren't a daily diary thing, they were just memories that he wrote down in the 1980s. They're trying to sell them as a daily diary but they're really not.
Gary said that DiMaggio paid people in signed baseballs to get work done. Howard said that Joe was like the Jackie Martling of baseball. That led to him goofing on Jackie about how he gives all of his junk away to people as payment. He said that Jackie tried to wear one of his Joke Man t-shirts in ''Private Parts'' but they had to put a stop to that.
Sour Shoes did a little more of his Paul Simon stuff before Howard let him go. Robin said that he's right on the phone as soon as he hears them mention the name of performers like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Robin about her trip to France. He thought she had gone there many times but this past vacation was her first visit. The caller was a French Canadian guy who said that he wanted to date her over the radio. He started to play her a song and Howard said that it was like he had made her a mix tape. The guy hung up before they could talk more about that.
Howard said he had to take another break and mentioned that Gilbert Gottfried was going to be in later. He said that there hasn't been one bit of ink in the papers about him becoming a father. George said that he sent him a note congratulating him but never got a response. Gary came in and asked if they think that Gilbert will have a picture of the baby with him. George said he thinks that he will have a picture on him. Howard bet him $100 that he doesn't have any picture of the baby with him. Gary said that he thinks that Gilbert will just laugh when they ask him if he has a picture.
Howard asked Gary about using the cupcakes as a pacifier. Gary said that's exactly what he uses them for. He said he has a very healthy breakfast but then he eats the black and white cookies and cupcakes after that. Artie said that cupcake Wednesday is brutal. Gary said that he usually walks right by the cupcakes and then goes right back to them.
Gary said that he's up to about 220 pounds. He said he might be a little bit lower than that but he upped it just in case he gets on the scale. George asked who supplies the cupcakes. Artie said that it's Crumbs Bakery and they make the best cupcakes ever.
Gary said that he agreed with Howard about the way it was written so that led to Howard going off on him saying that he wasn't looking for someone to agree with him, he just wants it fixed. Gary said he was just agreeing with him.
Howard said that he had a clip of a news reporter saying ''Hillary Cunton'' instead of ''Hillary Clinton'' during a newscast. He said that was great. She didn't even correct herself after the mistake.
Howard had another clip from the web that was supposed to be something from the BET network. In the clip there's a hip hop song telling their listeners to read a book. Howard said it had to be a goof though. Howard mentioned that they had Gilbert Gottfried coming in later. He also mentioned that the Iron Sheik will be coming in soon. He said that won't be today but they will have him in on a day when Bubba the Love Sponge is coming in. Howard said that Will spoke to the Iron Sheik and mentioned one of the names of the wrestlers that he hates and Iron Sheik went nuts.
Howard played the clip of Will talking to Iron Sheik about playing Anal Ring Toss. Sheik sounds like he's into playing. He and Will were talking about doing that and then Will mentions the name Brian Blair which set Sheik off for a short time.
Howard played some of the clips from the Scott Ferrall show where Sheik was yelling at callers when they'd bring up other wrestler's names. They had another interview that Sheik did on some talk show and he goes off on some other wrestlers calling them faggots and other things like that.
George Takei said that he's glad he won't be there when that guy comes in. He said he hopes that Howard can handle him and his awful attitude. Artie did his impression of Sheik for a short time before Howard had Lisa G come in.
George and Howard talked a little bit about the TV show ''Heroes'' and how great that has been for him as well. George said that the first episode of the second season is going to be very interesting and people will find out a lot in that show.
Howard told George that he had the Iron Sheik on the phone but George knew that they were jerking him around. He said that it sounded recorded to him. He told Howard he wasn't going to fall for it again but did talk to the clips a little bit. He said he wasn't going to talk to this recording like he did earlier with the Riley clips.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they have an update on Jeff the Drunk who has gone through his skin graft operation and had some other things done while he was under. Howard had Jeff on the phone and asked him if he's going to get rid of that dead arm of his. Jeff said he didn't talk to the doctors about that. He isn't planning on getting rid of it either. Howard said they should have used the skin on that arm on his ass. Jeff said that he's in a lot of pain and he's still on the pain meds. Howard told Jeff that the hospital saved his life so he should be thankful for that.
Jeff said he's going to be in the hospital for 2 weeks or more after this operation. Howard told him to come in after he recovers. Jeff asked Howard to leave him on hold so he could listen to the show. Howard said that Jeff is always asking for something. He said that saving Jeff's life is like saving a pizza box, there's no point.
Lisa said that someone has been stealing porn from JD's office and they'll have more on that. They'll also have some stories about Artie's appearance on Conan O'Brien last night. Howard said he was going to play some clips from that as well.
Artie mentioned that he had this guy Jeff Ross come up to him at Conan's show and he's the guy who runs the animal shelter that helped save the bird that Howard and Beth found. He said that they were amazed at what they did for that bird that day. Jeff is also an executive producer over there at Conan.
Howard said that David Hinkley asked this radio expert about the merger between XM and SIRIUS and if he thinks it'll go through. This so called expert says he doesn't know. He said that he really doesn't know if it will go through so he has about as much knowledge about it as everyone else does.
Howard also said that this guy Tom Taylor says that he thinks that Imus will return to radio but he's not sure where. That led to Howard going off on Imus saying that if he gets hired back to CBS, it'll be more like he got a suspension with pay because they've had to pay him all this time he's been off the air. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that there's another song that Avril did called ''I Don't Have To Try'' and this Peaches group claims that was ripped off from them. Howard played both and they did sound very similar. He said they might have a case there. Both songs sounded very similar to the guys. Howard said they both sound like that Banana song from Gwen Stefani.
Howard asked George if he's ever had the fantasy of being the woman that every man looks at when he walks into a room. George said he's never felt that at all. He said that he is an actor and he would play a transvestite if he was asked to though.
Howard played some clips of Jessica Biel on Conan O'Brien's show last night. He played a quick clip where she told Conan about her fat knuckles. Howard cut that off and said it gives you an idea of the vapid discussion they had before Artie came out.
Howard played clips of Artie coming out and talking about how great Jessica's ass looked. He said they don't even look like they're in the same species. He showed the audience his ass to prove it. He also joked that Conan was having a show with people who all have fat knuckles. Artie then told Conan that he'd like to bang Jessica Biel.
Conan changed subjects to get off the Jessica subject. Howard said that it's weird how they'll let Artie say that he wants to bang someone. Artie said that's because it's at 1:30 in the morning. Howard took a quick call from a guy who said Artie mentions New Jersey too much. Artie said that he does that to go into a joke.
Howard played more of Artie's appearance where he talks about New Jersey and his friends from Jersey who are really rude people. He talked about his dumb friends who have become film critics after watching ''The Sopranos.'' He had some good material about that subject. Howard told him he should use that in his stand-up act. Artie said he actually has been using it.
Howard played another clip where Artie talks about working on ''Rescue Me'' and how he's been working with this really hot chick on that show. He said he's paranoid about getting excited during love scenes though. He goes on to tell a story about working with Renee Zellwegger and how he wanted to date her but Chris O'Donnell gave him a look like he was nuts when he suggested that to him. Then he talks about the ''Rescue Me'' thing and how he has to combat getting excited. He told Conan how he wrapped up his junk like a mummy so he doesn't get excited. He said he walks out to the scene like a penguin.
Artie said that the chick must think he has no penis or something when she doesn't feel anything down there. He said he thought about taking off the wrap and just going all the way, but not insertion, when he films the next sex scene. He said he was going to do that but they got the shot on the first try. Artie said that's kind of depressing and tells Conan that he is hung and he can ask Jessica Biel in about 5 hours.
Howard told Artie that was a nice long segment and it was very funny. Robin asked him what he wore last night. Artie said he wore his cargo pants, work boots and a sweat shirt. George told him he could go to the Hawaiian shirt thing. Robin said that's too much for him, he doesn't want to go there.
Howard said he was talking to his hair stylist Toni about Artie possibly leaving. He said that he doesn't think Artie will leave but he's really not sure. Artie said that he's not going to be leaving in January, something tells him that he'll be sitting there in that chair come January. He said that he has some stressful days now but if he's still alive in 20 years he'll look back on it and see that there wasn't anything to be stressed over.
Artie said that he knows that he'll get over the pressure some day and see that it was really nothing. Howard said that's how he felt after NBC fired him. He realized that he didn't have to stress over certain things like he was doing back then. Artie said he just can't relax and enjoy it while it's going on.
Howard asked Artie if, in 20 years, he's going to look back and think about how skinny he was at 300 pounds. Artie said he hopes that God just takes him before he turns into a Walter Hudson type of guy. He said he has no idea where he'd put another 200 pounds if he gained that much. Howard asked him if he thinks he'll end up like the guy who had to be buried in a piano sized coffin. Artie said he hopes not.
Artie is at the point where he won't even weigh himself these days. He said that it just depresses him too much. He said he's been talking to this Dr. Keith Ablow lately but he's still eating like crazy. Artie said he can just barely fit into the seat on Conan's show. Robin asked him if he worries that he won't fit into an airplane seat. Artie said that he won't fit into a coach seat so he'd be really worried if he wasn't flying first class.
Howard mentioned a story about Rupert Murdoch wanting to buy the Dow Jones and that led to Artie talking about how the Topps card company is for sale and there are some companies trying to take them over and one of them is another card company. If that company took it over it would be some kind of monopoly so they asked for an answer about a merger to be brought down in 5 days or less and they're getting the answer today. The guys spent a minute talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
Howard had Fred replay the song ''Strong Enough'' and threw in some new lyrics. He said that he'd like to be her one night stand but not ''her man'' as the lyrics said. Will came in and told Howard that Sheryl had another thing about her that was really wrong. She's a big environmentalist and suggested that people use just one piece of toilet paper. Howard said he uses a ton of toilet paper and baby wipes, there's no way he's going to use just one piece.
George Takei told the guys about the nice hotels over in Japan where you get your ass washed by the special toilets there. He said they're thinking of getting one for their home in L.A. He said there's warm water, warm air and it does an amazing job. He said that you don't need any paper at all.
Howard said he took a nice dump the other day where he had two logs come out that floated. He said that's apparently the sign of a good doody so he was very proud. Artie said sometimes after he takes a shit it looks like an environmental clean up with all of the stuff he has to use.
Howard said that recently he had Steve Grillo going off on their off