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Howard was back live this morning after their week long vacation. Howard started off the show wondering where to begin. He said he got a lot of great comments about the Jackie special they ran during the vacation. Artie said he thought it was great. Robin said she got addicted listening to it because it was so compelling. Artie said he must have listened to 7 hours of it. He said he was in a car listening to a lot of it. Howard said he thought about calling Artie last week. He said he thought about it but never did it. He wanted to talk to him about leaving the show. Artie aids he never said he was definitely going to leave. Robin and Howard said he kind of did though.
Artie said he's busy putting together his slander lawsuit against Robin for saying he called Howard a jerk. He said he never did call him a jerk. He said that Steve Langford looked into it and found that he never said the word ''jerk.'' He said that he was kind of joking around when he was talking about Howard but he never called him a jerk. Robin said that he did say something about Howard and Gary being something like that. Artie said it was ''suckers'' not ''jerks.'' He said it wasn't said in anger either.
Robin said that she could have opened the show up with ''sucker'' instead of ''jerk'' then. Artie said he was just joking around.
Howard said that he and Beth were talking about Artie and how upset he seems to be lately. He said it was kind of weird and that Artie might be leaving in January. He said it was kind of sad talking about it. Then he started thinking that what Artie did was kind of crazy. He said he was thinking about Artie's lifestyle. He said Artie's thought process was to go to Italy or someplace for six months. He said Gary told him about some doctors who called and said that you can pack your bags and go away but that baggage he's trying to get rid of will still be with him.
Artie and Robin were still going back and forth while Howard was talking about this Artie thing. He said he was thinking about Artie and his stand-up gigs and stuff like that. Artie said he spoke to a therapist this weekend and the therapist was asking him if he could make some drastic changes without taking time off of work. He said he's not sure about that at this point. He's been able to lose the weight before but the last time he did it, he was on heroin. He said he doesn't want to do that again because it wasn't pleasant.
Howard said he talked to Ralph about the whole Artie thing and even he was saying that Artie has nothing to do in the afternoons while people like Jon Hein and Gary have families they have to go home to and deal with. Artie said that everyone is different though. Howard said it seems like Artie feels really good when he gets help because that's how it was when he got the Subutex stuff to help him out with the heroin addiction.
Artie said that the therapist he spoke to said that he never really addressed whatever the problem is. He said that he does need to take the time to get himself straight. He said that he's waiting to get help because he doesn't want to leave them hanging with the show. Howard said that it's kind of fun not taking care of yourself because you can continue to eat all of that junk for the next six months. He told Artie he loves the drama in his life.
Artie said he shacked up with a chick over the vacation fro a few days and they went up to a lake to just hang out. He said it was great. This woman is one he rekindled things with from a long time ago. He told the guys how he stays at hotels when his cleaning woman comes on Tuesdays. He said they went to this hotel in the city for a few days and just hung out with her. He said they just watched the Yankee game from bed instead of going out. He said they drove up to a lake after that. They hung out and had dinner out in Jersey by this lake. He said he was thinking about how nice it was out there and figured he'd never been to one before. He said he'd seen them in movies and shit but wasn't sure if he had ever been there.
Howard said that a lake can get kind of boring while you can walk on a beach by the ocean if you move there. He wondered how big the lake was. Artie said he could see the other side of it so it couldn't have been all that big. He said it wasn't a ''great lake'' but it was a ''pretty good lake.'' He said they had some good food up there at the restaurant they ate at. It was up by Lake Wallkill.
Eric told Artie that if he leaves the show, he figures that he won't get another job. Eric said he'll get a job before Artie does. Howard heard a new Eric voice mail so he played that because Eric was pissed at him for some strange reason. Eric said that Sal had interviewed him about Artie too. Howard remembered that and played the clip where Eric talked about Artie possibly quitting the show. In the Wack Pack Feedback we heard from Riley Martin who gave his thoughts on Artie's threats to leave. Blue Iris also called in and suggested that Artie take some time off to eat out some cunts. Gary the Retard told Artie to just leave so he doesn't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. Eric said that Artie's future will be nothing more than collecting an unemployment check.
Howard thought Eric was better in that bit than he was with his call this morning. Eric said ''whatever'' to that comment. They talked about Gary the Retard's comments and how clear he seemed to be with that. Howard said it was kind of weird.
Howard had a voice mail from Eric the Midget where he complained about him not picking up the phone fast enough. Eric said that he always gets left on hold for 2 and a half hours or more. Howard said there was another clip where he complained about him so he played that as well. Eric said that he tries to call in to talk about stuff but he gets left on hold too much. He said that he doesn't want to hear about him complaining about the heat in his limo. He said he was going to call in the next day to talk about the same thing the next day and he had better get on the air instead of waiting on hold for hours. He got cut off in the middle of a sentence which was very funny to Robin.
Howard said it's weird how Eric doesn't get that he's doing a show there and he can't always get to him. Eric said that he has stuff that relates to the subject they're talking about and he wants to get on. Howard said that there are some people who don't like him so he can't put him on all the time. Eric started to talk about what he wanted to talk about but Howard couldn't take it and hung up on him because he said he couldn't take it anymore.
Howard said that Jackie started writing him after the Artie news came out. He said Jackie was asking him to come by and swim with him after all of that went down. Artie said he remembers listening to that Jackie stuff when he was living out in L.A. and didn't hear the day that Jackie said he wasn't coming back. He'd missed the main thing that went down with Jackie. Howard talked about the positive feedback they got about all of that stuff.
Artie said that he thinks he has another lawsuit. He said that in that Jackie special they said that they were going to pay Jackie's replacement what he was getting paid and Artie thinks he's still not making that kind of money even today so he should sue.
Howard said that the guys who put together the specials did a great job and some of the stuff went on for like 7 hours or so (Actually 13 hours one day). He got some complaints about how long some of it ran because they had so much of it. He said they have a lot of other specials coming up over the next few years. This Christmas they have a Howard Stern Show History special that will run for two weeks.
Artie talked about how great it was when Jackie would laugh at his own jokes and did an impression of the laughs Jackie would do back then. Howard said that Billy West had every laugh down too and would do impressions of them. Artie said he liked that Howard was goofing on Jackie for about 80 percent of that special. That all led to Fred playing all of Jackie's different laughs. The guys all got some laughs out of that.
Robin said she remembers the show where Jackie complained about them not laughing at some of his jokes and stuff like that. Howard said that if Artie leaves the show in January, they're going to have to run a special about him as well. Artie said that he gets treated very well there and he thinks he's the opposite of Jackie.
Howard said he heard that Jackie was claiming to have invented many things that happened on the show. Robin said that Jackie was claiming that he had gotten some money out of Howard and Don Buchwald when he was in contract negotiations. Artie said he liked the day that Jackie was walled out from the E! cameras because he was in contract negotiations with them at the time.
Gary came in and said that Jackie used to talk to him about how they needed to unify to get money out of the company back when he was in his contract negotiations. They talked about that stuff and how Jackie was always about trying to get money. Howard said he got a note from Jackie who said he appreciated the special and said his wife Nancy wants to be on Dial-A-Date. He said that she's serious about that so Howard said he might just have to do that. He said that they could have Jackie's ex-wife on ''Fuck Jackie's Ex-Wife'' instead of Dial-A-Date. Robin said that Nancy told her that she can find just about any man attractive in some way.
Gary told Howard that the intern was there so Howard told him to bring her in. She came in and said that she likes really skinny guys. That's why she gave Artie such a low rating. She said she liked Jon Hein's personality because he was so nice to her so that meant a lot. She said that she gave JD a 3 but would probably change it. Artie said that he respects this girl because she's being honest.
Howard heard that this intern was taking pole dance classes. She said she was doing it for fun and exercise. She said she doesn't get dressed up or anything but it is kind of a fantasy of hers to dance in front of men like that. She said you make up your own stripper name for the class and hers is Saint Luscious. Howard said that some of those girls are in really good shape because they're in those heels for 8 hours a day. That led to the guys talking about last night's ''The Sopranos'' because there was a funny line in there about one of the girls falling off her shoes.
Artie asked the intern what her name was and found out it's Lindsay. He said he might have to bring her over to Letterman with him on Wednesday when he goes to do that. He couldn't believe that she gave JD double the score that she gave him. Howard asked Lindsay who she would sleep with, Jon Hein or Artie. She said that was a tough one and she wasn't sure she could pick. Artie said he'll have to take another intern to Letterman with him.
Artie said he's never heard of a 1.5 score from a chick before. He's never even heard that about a chick. He said it's almost like getting a zero. That led to Fred playing the ''Zero point zero'' clip from ''Animal House.'' Howard asked Lindsay why he didn't get a zero. She said that it's because he's funny. Jason got a 5 for being funny so Artie found that hard to believe. Howard said that Jason might be kind of interesting because he's on medication for depression and stuff.
Gary said they had a funny thing happen with Jason at K-Rock because he was taking medication that made him open up and he insulted Tom Chiusano. Artie said that he almost wanted to hit Jason in the face with a Fungo bat because he was so annoying. Howard asked Jason what it was he was taking. Jason said it was Lexipro which is the same stuff he's taking now. He said he now knows what to expect from the stuff and he feels good about it now. Howard said he kind of liked the old Jason.
Jason said that this is the first time he's ever rated higher than a 3 and he was very excited about it. Artie said that when he was in high school he had friends that would rate ugly teachers at a 2 so this 1.5 doesn't mean all that much. Lindsay said she actually gave him a 1.5 to a 2 so it wasn't just the 1.5. Artie wondered what makes the difference. Howard figured it was the shaving or something.
Howard let Lindsay go after that. Artie said that she's not going to the Letterman show. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard played one clip where they called Artie one of the Wack Pack and said that he announced he would be leaving in January. Gary told Howard to go to another clip where Lisa G got a hold of Dr. Keith Ablow and asked him about Artie. Howard played another clip first. In that news report they talked about Artie getting up to 300 pounds and that the announcement was kind of a surprise. Howard said that's what kind of pissed him off because it did come to him as a surprise.
Artie said that Howard never wants to take a personal meeting off the air so that's why he didn't take one with him. Howard said he doesn't get why Artie is leaving the show for the reasons he gave. Artie said that he might be leaving and he should be glad that he's leaving because it will free up a lot of money in the budget. Gary wondered why he's planning this out for that far ahead. Artie said that he's taking his health problems seriously and he wants to do something. Artie said that he would leave the show tomorrow if everyone was okay with it. Howard found that hard to believe.
Howard played some song parodies that the fans have started sending in. There was one where the guy was singing about Artie and how he'd be working on the docks by next May. Mike Morse sent in one of them that was to the tune of a Billy Joel song.
Howard played Lisa G's interview with Dr. Keith Ablow. In the clip Lisa asks Dr. Ablow about Artie and what he thinks about his threats to leave the show. Dr. Ablow said that when you go to rehab you have to find those things that you're running from and going to Italy isn't going to make him happy. Artie said it sounds like it might make Italy even shittier.
Artie said he found out that Nicole Richie is on Letterman with him on Wednesday night. That led to the guys talking about how awful she's looking these days from being so skinny. That led to the guys talking about Lindsay Lohan since she's in a picture with a friend pretending to hold a knife to her. She appears to be out of her mind and she's hot and Howard seems to like that.
The guys talked about some of the stuff that went on in the show and how great they thought it was. Howard said the show was great. He got back to the MTV thing and said that the chick who was working with Jay-Z in the show was kind of hot but he really liked her song. He had some clips from the show to play. JD told him where the clips were. Howard was about to play the clip of this Rihanna chick but Artie just saw the picture of Lindsay Lohan and said she looked hot.
Howard played the Rihanna song and asked the guys if he was out of his mind for liking it. He played the clip and said he just realized it was terrible when he didn't see her face. He said he liked it last night but now he's hearing it again and it's awful. He also talked about how Paris Hilton was there at the awards last night and apparently went right ahead and checked herself into jail early to avoid the paparazzi. Sarah kind of bashed her right in front of her face so he played a clip of that. Sarah talked about how they were going to make her feel more comfortable by painting the bars of the cell to look like penises. She said that she was afraid she was going to break her teeth on them. Howard said they cut to Paris and she looked pissed about that joke.
Howard said the movie that got voted the best movie that people haven't seen yet is that Transformers movie and it looked pretty good to him. He said that he got a call about a week ago from the movie people and they wanted him to be a voice of a radio in one of the Transformers. He said his agent convinced him that he didn't belong in the movie. He said the letter he got sucked him in but his agent gave him a slap in the face and made him realize that it wasn't going to make or break him so he decided against it.
Howard played a clip from the pre-show there at the MTV Movie Awards where they spoke to Paris Hilton about going to jail. Paris said she was scared but she was ready to serve her sentence. She's only going in for 23 days and Howard said they make it seem like she's courageous for showing up there.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he loved the Jackie special last week. He said he listened all weekend and didn't do anything else. That led to Howard talking about how Jackie's ex-wife wants to do a dial-a-date on the show. Another caller said that he loved the Jackie special as well. Howard said they have a whole crew of guys working on that old stuff now. He said they hit a home run with the specials that they've run so far and they have a lot more coming up.
The caller asked Howard if Fred has to go through Benjy when he wants to send him a note. Howard said that Fred doesn't have to go through him at all.
Robin said that she and Judith Regan are doing this detox thing together. Howard asked Robin about the other diets that she's done over the years. Robin said she's trying to figure out a way to do this all the time. She said she had read an article in the news about a book coming out and they had contacted her to find out if she'd be interested in that. Howard asked her what's going on with the drink she's taking. She said that she gets it ever couple of hours.
Howard talked to this doctor who was there helping Robin out. Roni the doctor came in and told Howard what she was giving Robin to drink earlier. She said she's going to live with Robin for two weeks in her house and give her advice on what to eat. She said that they have this vegetable drink that is full of so much it's worth six servings of vegetables.
Robin said that today is the first day of the diet so she's just beginning this morning. She said that drink she got this morning was the first one. Howard was laughing as he was hearing all of this diet stuff. Howard said he would go insane if he had this woman shadowing him in his house for two weeks. The caller said that this stuff was even better than the old Jackie stuff they heard last week. Howard asked Roni to continue talking about this stuff. She told Howard about more of the special drinks that they were going to be making for Robin. They're going to have some soups and other special drinks. She's going to be eating and drinking this stuff every 2 hours.
Roni told Howard and Artie about the treatments and the lifestyle changes that Robin would be making over the next couple of weeks. They have this infrared treatment they do and she even had the machine there at the studio.
Gary asked Robin if the doctor is going to ride with her in her car every morning. Robin said that she will be coming with her the whole time. She said that she'll be in the car the whole time. Howard said that Robin is going to be miserable for two weeks. He said he knows her and she's going to go crazy after two days. Robin said she doesn't know her very well and she's not going to go crazy.
Robin said that Gary is always trying to figure her out and he really knows nothing about her. Howard brought them back to this discussion with Doctor Roni and asked her what she charges people for this type of consultation. She said it can be ten thousand or more.
Howard and the guys asked Robin what she's going to do at home when she wants to watch TV or something. She said that she can watch her whenever she wants and she'll be around her house the whole time. She's going to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't eat anything she's not supposed to. Howard said that Robin is fine and she doesn't need to detox. Gary asked what Roni will do if she thinks that Robin is cheating. Roni said she doesn't think Robin will cheat so she's not worried about that.
Roni said that she thinks that Robin will change a lot in the next two weeks and they will see it. She said that Robin will lose a pound a day so in two weeks she should be down 14 pounds. Howard said it would be great if Robin died from hunger and the doctor ended up in jail. Irish John called in and said he has a Jack Lalane juicer that he could bring over to Robin's and he'd bring Eddie the Produce Guy with him and she'd be all set. Robin said she doesn't want to spend that much time with him.
Artie asked if he could do something like this without having someone move in with him. Roni said he could do it on his own. Dominic Barbara called in and asked if she's a real Medical Doctor. She said she's got a PHD from Clayton University which is a natural healing school... on the web. Dominic told her that she can't call herself a doctor if she's not a real doctor.
Howard told Roni that she should move in with Artie and get him straightened out. Artie said he's not sure if he'd let anyone move in with him. She said that they have a retreat for people who don't want someone living with them. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked what the hell is going on because this is the kind of crap that people get into when they don't want to be real. She wondered what the fuck was going on with the show. She told Robin to go on a fuckin' diet if she wanted to lose weight. She went nuts asking Howard to talk about Rosie O'Donnell and stuff like that instead of this diet bullshit. Howard said he'd talk about it but they haven't had time.
Howard wrapped up with Roni and said he hopes it helps Robin get better. He asked her when she's going to have her first colonic. She said that would be in about 3 days. She'll be there with Robin while she gets it done. She said she will examine the colonic stuff so Howard asked her what they cold expect. She said that by the time that comes around it should be nice and firm and the color will be good. She won't be asking her to save her bowel movements or anything like that. They talked about the colonics and what kind of stuff they could see coming out. Roni said that she's seen worms and mucus come out during other colonics.
Howard let Roni plug her web site MVDietDetox.com and then wrapped up with her. You can also check out her book ''21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox.''
Howard said that this is going to drive Robin nuts and he knows it. He said he'd like to have this Penthouse Pet that's coming in stay with him for two weeks. Gary asked what kind of affliction Robin has that she's trying to detox from. Robin said she has problems and has fallen down and things like that. Robin said that she feels like she's dying sometimes and that's why she's trying to clean herself out. Howard said he has to talk to her off the air because he thinks that she's just fine. He said she doesn't need to go to drastic extremes like this. Robin said she needs to diet to lose weight again because she feels so much better when she does that. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Gary came in and said that some of the guys researched the web site where Dr. Roni got her PHD. The found some info on QuackWatch.com. He read through some of the info they had on there and how it wasn't much of a school at all. They also found some people who claim that they went to the school and found out some of the stuff that they claim to be able to cure with the right foods. Gary said he also found out some information about this guy Sugar Bear from the NY Giants who did some bible study with this woman and now believes that homosexuality is wrong
Howard interrupted and said that they have this Penthouse Pet, Kimberly Williams, coming in. He gave her some plugs for some appearances she's making and then had her come in. Artie said she was a Sophia Loren type from what he could see. Howard said it must be a big deal for her to be in the magazine. She said it is and they've treated her very well. She's in the June issue of the magazine.
Howard said Richard had a problem with the pictures in the magazine. He came in and said that when he goes on the web site he wants to see everything on a woman. He wants to see inside of her almost. Howard said that's not what he wants to see, that's not sexy to him. Kimberly said that Penthouse is kind of going in a different direction these days and she's not into doing that stuff. Richard said she's still hot.
Howard said that her boobs look real but she said they're fake. She said she was heavier and when she lost her weight, her boobs went with it. She got some small implants to make them a little fuller. Howard read that she was a flight attendant on a private jet. He said that would be amazing to get someone like her on a flight. She claims that she slept her way up to the top. She dated a guy who worked for this Net Jets company and that's how she ended up getting hired. She's currently single. Kimberly said she's not looking to be in a relationship right now. She hasn't had sex since February. Howard seemed to find that surprising.
Kimberly said that she had to go masturbate the other day when she was talking to a friend and the friend pointed out that it was the sixth time she had done it that day. Kimberly said she sometimes just sits home and watches porn all day long and that's what she does.
Howard said that Kimberly claims she has rape fantasies and things like that. He asked her to describe that stuff a little more. She said she has fantasies about being slammed around and stuff. He wanted to know what she'd like him to do to her if they were going to do this mock rape thing. She said it can't be set up, he'd have to do it as a surprise. Howard said she's probably end up beating him up or something if he tried it. Howard said that he could tie her to the bed and maybe put a gun to her head and stuff like that. She said the most realistic it is, the better it would be. She said that they could have a safety word that would put a stop to it all.
Howard asked Kimberly if she's ever been offered money for sex. She's never had that offer and figures that she was never that good looking. She changed subjects and told Howard that the safety word she usually uses in those type of situations is the guy's mother's name. She said that usually brings it to an end. She said she had to use it like that once because she started to bleed when the guy was faking the rape. She said the guy was very well endowed and he ripped her down there. She said she's very small down there and a lot of Asian women are like that. She said that she's part Asian and part American Indian.
Kimberly said that she had a tough childhood and her father was very strict. He would beat them with a switch and her grandmother would make them go out and find one to have used on them. Kimberly said that her father wouldn't even let her mother learn English. She was explaining all of that and Robin figured she may have known her father because she knew a guy who wouldn't let his wife speak to anyone. Kimberly said her mother eventually learned the language after she got divorced.
Howard gave Kimberly a plug for her web site KimmieWilliams.com and then asked her about how she's been sleeping with black guys lately. She said she just started that about 2 years ago. She said that they won't go down on her like other guys will though. Kimberly said they will tell her that to her face too. He said her father must hate that she sleeps with black guys. She said he is kind of old-school Southern so probably.
Howard asked her if she was willing to show herself naked. She said ''Sure!'' so Howard asked her if she wanted him to rape her. Artie said that he wanted to rape her but he was afraid he'd rip her as well. Howard asked Kimberly to take off her shirt and then demanded her to do that or he'd kill her. He was joking of course. Kimberly took off her headphones and then took her shirt off. Howard said it was like a work of art. Artie started throwing out the offers to sleep with him. She said she'd have to get back to him about that. He had thrown out a ten grand offer.
Howard told Kimberly her body was perfect after she took her pants off. She still had panties on. Artie raised his price up to $15,000. She said she'd take that and do him right there in the bathroom. Artie didn't want to do it there though, he wanted to take her somewhere else.
Howard took some phone calls for Kimberly. One guy said he saw this chick in the Playboy special editions and she's really hot. Howard started to wrap up after that call but Kimberly said she's friends with Shannon James who was Miss May in Playboy. She was the chick that they discovered on the show but Howard and Artie had forgotten her name already and had to be reminded who she was. Howard asked Kimberly if she wanted to ride the Sybian or get on the tickle pole or anything like that. She passed so Howard ended the segment and went to break.
Howard said he knew Bijou's father. He said he wanted to date her but always thought she was too young for him. He said he hasn't seen her in many years. He wondered when it was that they last saw each other. She said that it was probably 1999 or 2000. She asked if she could get some of the tapes from when her father was on the show. She said that would mean a lot to her. She said she used to listen to Howard's show a lot when her father was on.
Bijou told Howard that her father got a liver transplant and the liver actually had some cancer in it that they didn't know about so he had to go through chemotherapy and all of that. Howard said he didn't know that. Bijou said her father went to jail for a while. Howard didn't remember what that was about so Bijou filled him in on that. She said that he owned a drug store and got addicted to Dilauded. He ended up getting into trouble for that.
Howard said that Bijou was the original bad girl and was the original Paris Hilton. Bijou said Paris always told her she wanted to be just like her but she tried to talk her out of that. Howard asked her if she ever got it on with her. Bijou said ''no comment'' which Howard took as a ''yes.'' He asked her about what it was like growing up like she did and going out to clubs getting into trouble. She said she was only 15 and being offered all of this great stuff so she went out and did it. She doesn't do that stuff anymore though.
Howard asked Bijou why she hooked up with Sean Lennon. She said that she was very young at the time and he was there for her. He had been through the same thing with his father dying and stuff so they bonded over that. She said that she had some daddy issues too so she needed a guy to be the mature male in her life. She said that he cheated on her a bunch of times so she cheated on him to get back at him.
Howard said getting it on with Paris must have been amazing. He said she should have invited him in to see that. She said that the hot one is really Nikki Hilton. She swore that she didn't get it on with Paris but also wouldn't swear on the life of her father that she didn't. Howard asked Bijou if she's ever been in love with anyone. She started singing a little bit and Artie said she's got a nice voice. She said that there isn't much of a music business these days so she got out of that.
Bijou is in the new movie ''Hostel II'' so Howard talked to her about that. He said that the guy who directed it, Eli Roth, actually kind of worked for him back when he was making his movie ''Private Parts.'' He used to guard his room at night and wrote his movies while he was doing that. Howard read that Bijou was upset about a movie she did one time because they showed her in her underwear. She said that she wasn't really that upset about it and the director was a great guy.
Howard brought up Sean Lennon again and asked her if she was living with Yoko at the time. She said they did live with her for a short time but it wasn't all that long. Bijou said that she came out to live with him but they didn't stay there all that long so it wasn't all that weird. Howard asked her what kind of money he gets from his mother. She said that he spends all of that money on cool stuff like making his album and things like that.
Howard read that Bijou is dating this guy Danny Masterson from ''That 70's Show.'' She said that they've been dating for about 2 years and just bought a house together. Howard had no idea who the guy was or even what show they were talking about. Howard wondered if that guy will ever work again after ''That 70's Show.'' Bijou said he's working, he just shot a movie.
Howard asked Bijou about her friend Paris going to jail. She said that's very intense. She didn't know that Paris went into jail last night. She said she can't deal with it. She said she wanted to cry just thinking about it. She said she can't imagine spending 23 hours a day all alone with yourself. Howard asked her if that's because she's got nothing going through her head.
Howard asked Bijou if he could have had her. She said that he could have worked it and had her because she had daddy issues. She seemed to think that he could have really had her and said that he even asked her to go jogging with him one time. Howard said that never worked out though. Howard got back to the Paris thing and asked if it's boring to hang out with her. Bijou said that she's really funny but things can get kind of boring. She said that when they hang out and comment on other people, it's a lot of fun.
Howard asked Bijou about Nicole Richie. Bijou said that she was always a skinny girl but she went through some phases and was a little big for a little while but when they were kids, she was always the skinny one. Howard asked Bijou if she's ever going to get implants. She said she can't because both of her sisters are allergic to silicone. She said she thinks that she'd be allergic too so she won't ever do it.
Howard read a story about Bijou getting into a fight with another girl one time. She said it was a girl who had slept with a guy she had slept with and she spit in her direction. She said she didn't spit ''on'' the woman. Howard read that Bijou had peed in a guy's bed one time but she denied that story as well. Howard read that she got into a fight with Naomi Campbell as well. Bijou said that was true and that was because she had been calling Sean Lennon and leaving messages for him. She said she ended up getting into Naomi's face and scared her. Howard said that chick is the wrong one to mess with. Bijou agreed.
There was another story about Bijou getting into a fight with a Playboy bunny one time. She said that it was a long story but it was basically someone telling her a story that wasn't true and the fact that she was drinking. Howard said he wants to see the crazy Bijou and would like to see her drinking. She said that she had to pay the Playboy bunny some money over that fight too.
Howard said that Bijou was emancipated from her parents when she was just 15 years old. He said he wished he could have done that with his parents when he was that age. He said he still can't get away from them. Howard said that the image of Paris licking her and kissing her drives him nuts. He said he would love to see that.
The guys were talking to Bijou about Yoko Ono and she was telling them that Yoko's music is amazing. No one was buying that though. Howard took some calls for Bijou and one guy asked her if she's into ass play. She said she's never tried anal because it's scary to her. The caller had also asked if ever got it on with that Anne Hathaway chick. She said that never happened, they just did that movie ''Havoc'' together.
Howard played a clip from the show where Elijah Blue was on and bad mouthing Bijou. He said that she was ''some three o'clock slop'' to him. After playing that clip Bijou said that she thinks that he's talented and she has nothing but nice things to say about him. Howard said that he had just called her three o'clock slop and she's not going to come back with something. She said she's just not going to do that. Howard told her to give him some threesomes instead of giving guys like Elijah Blue that kind of stuff. Bijou said she just feels bad for Elijah when she hears that kind of thing.
Bijou said that she was letting Elijah live with her around that time when they were seeing each other. She said that she was giving him money and stuff. Howard said he wasn't buying this act, he figured that he'd end up with his fingers chopped off. Howard said he would love to know what was going on with Bijou and having threesomes with people. Howard said he only had that one time and it was a couple of girls getting it on with each other. Then the chick blew him.
Howard gave Bijou a plug for this movie ''Hostel II.'' Bijou said that the movie is really good and you don't need to see the first one before seeing this one. Howard took some more phone calls for Bijou. The caller asked if she's shaved. She said she keeps it clean down there but it's not shaved. Another guy said he liked that she was flashing her panties at this UFC event she was at. She didn't know she was doing that and said she didn't think that was the case. The caller insisted that she was showing them.
Howard started to wrap up with Bijou but Artie asked her to repeat just one funny thing that Paris Hilton had said to her. She said that Paris has her own language that she's kind of invented so it would be hard to explain one of her jokes to him. Artie also liked this little baby voice she was doing when she was talking about Howard's dog Bianca so he asked her to say ''Come here Artie'' in that voice. She did that a few times and then Artie started offering her money to have sex with him. He started out high at $65,000 because that's the kind of money she makes doing movies. Artie asked her to say one more thing in her baby voice. He had her say ''Come here Artie, show me your belly.'' She did that and Artie asked Scott to put that on CD for him. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Gary come in to talk about this portable sauna thing that they had put in the studio so the Howard TV guys could shoot it. Gary said it looked like something you wrap around yourself. Robin said that they work better than regular saunas from what she's heard. She said her house in Staten Island has a sauna but not the place down on the Jersey shore where she's staying now. She said that everyone makes everything sound so sinister but it's really not.
Robin told Fred to go back to his boxing, Artie back to his heroin and Howard to his therapy... and to leave her alone. The Howard TV guys said that they could set Robin up to do the infrared sauna thing right there in the studio if they wanted. They had Dr. Roni come in to talk about it. She came in and said that this will make a person sweat and it's just part of the detox thing. She said that they could do it over pants if they wanted. Artie volunteered to give it a try. He just wanted to know if they cleaned it because he didn't want to get AIDS or anything.
Howard wasn't sure he wanted to wait while they hooked Artie up in that thing. Roni said it would take about 5 minutes to get him set up. Artie went over and laid on the floor. Gary said it looked like a giant mess of wires like you'd plug into your cable box.
Howard was going to go to Jeff the Drunk to kill some time while they hooked Artie up but he was distracted by all of the commotion. They were hooking him up to stuff and he couldn't stop watching. He did try taking some other phone calls. One guy said that he's probably going to die in a couple of weeks and he needs to get a call from Senator Bill Nelson. Howard wasn't paying attention and kept watching Artie getting hooked up. They were having some trouble hooking him up because he's so big. He was making some odd noises as they were wrapping him up.
Howard asked Gary to call this Senator Bill Nelson for the caller. He asked the guy to hold on while they checked Artie out. They had him wrapped up in a weird blanket looking thing. Roni said that it might take Artie a half hour before he starts sweating. She said that this is the detoxing and when you sweat stuff starts to come out of you. Artie said it felt great so far with the heat on him. He told Howard that it was really comfortable. He asked if he could ''whack it'' while he was in there. No one responded to that. Artie said it was kind of weird because he wasn't feeling all that hot but he was sweating.
Roni said that she wanted to get him on the diet that Robin was on but Artie asked why he couldn't just use this infrared thing. Roni said that she could give him some really good tasting anti-oxidant drinks that he'd like. She said that this is one of her favorite treatments other than the colonics.
Howard asked the guy on the phone what state he's from. He said he's down in Florida and asked them to help him get in touch with the senator because he wants to know why he can't get social security. He said he was in the service but he was hurt when he was working a regular job. He said he was crushed and had some of his ribs removed. He said that he really needs people to call the senator and complain for him. The guy said that his name is Paul Carter and he needs people to help him get through this red tape he has to get through. He said they need to call Senator Bill Nelson to help him out. Howard said he'd do what he could and then let the guy go.
Artie said that this infrared thing was really great and he's never been that comfortable before. Robin said that she told Artie about this before she started and he might just like it. Howard asked Roni how long it would take to get Artie straightened out. She said they could do it in 21 days. The thing is that he won't be chewing on anything. She said that you rest your digestive system by just drinking your meals.
Howard wanted to end the bit but Artie didn't want to get out of the heater thing. He wanted them to just move the whole couch out of the studio.
Jeff said that he's home now and his ass his healing okay. He said he had to call the nurse to help him fix his wound vac thing that sucks the juices out of his wound. He said it was full so he had to call her. That led to Artie goofing on him about the ass juice thing. He imagined what kind of Saturday night that nurse had. He did his Jeff impression where he was asking the nurse to come over to help him out.
Roni had to wipe Artie's head to get the toxins off of him. Richard Christy came in and asked how long he'd take to get out of that thing if he whipped his cock out. Artie said that he'd get out of there eventually and take care of him if he did.
Jeff kept interrupting and said that he had to change phones. When he did change phone, he somehow hung up on himself. Howard got back to Dr. Roni and Artie and asked Roni if she was attracted to Artie. Artie said that a 1.5 would be unbelievably grotesque. Roni gave him a 7. Artie thanked her and sounded like he was about to pass out. Howard joked about how two of Artie's 7 chins had disappeared already. That led to Artie doing his impression of Jackie laughing as if it were one of his own jokes. He let out that classic Jackie yelp when he was doing that.
Howard said he was reading about this giant pig that was killed recently and how it wasn't a wild boar, it was a family's pet that they killed. He said it really bummed him out when he read about it. He said he got some other bad news because the Sci-Fi channel announced that they are going to end Battlestar Galactica after the next season.
Shuli said that everyone out there had medical marijuana cards and got some weed to smoke. Shuli said that he and Beetlejuice watched ''Talladega Nights'' after getting baked. He said that Beet was laughing at all the right spots but then he was also laughing hard at the commercials.
Shuli said that Beet went into the bathroom at one point and stayed in there for about 20 minutes. He went over to see if Beet was okay so he opened the door asking if he was okay. He said he looked in there and saw him sitting on the toilet with his legs dangling from the toilet. Then he was closing the door and saw three piles of shit on the floor. He asked him to clean it up and then a short time later he said he opened the door and the bathroom was full of steam from the bath running and the smell of shit. He said he draws the line at cleaning up Beet's shit. Beetlejuice came out of the bathroom and asked him if he wanted to smoke some more. He said he would do that if he promised not to shit on the floor again.
Howard said that Artie had been in the sauna for almost 30 minutes and it was just about time to take him out. Howard said the couch looked disgusting but Artie looked the same. Artie let out that Jackie laugh when he heard that again. Howard said he has a feeling it's going to be gross when Artie comes out of that thing. He'll be all sweaty and crap.
A woman called in and asked to go to Artie's Pittsburgh gig. Artie said he'd hook her up if she was hot. She said she'd send pictures. They put her on hold and Shuli got back to his thing. Shuli told Howard about some of the stuff they were doing at the comedy shows out there in California. Howard got distracted and said that Artie was trying to drink a beer in that thing. Roni yanked it away from him and said that he was supposed to be detoxing.
Roni told Artie that it was time to get out of the sauna. They took the blanket off of him and he was all wet from sweating. Artie said that he felt fantastic after that. He told Dr. Roni that she had a great ass as he was getting unwrapped. He said he wanted to make out with her. Howard told him he was in no condition to do that, he just sweat for a half hour. Artie was really relaxed and couldn't get up off the couch. He said he was afraid to get up with his bat wings and all.
Howard told Artie to get up and get on the scale to see how much he weighed. Artie was soaking wet so Fred was playing splashing sounds like he was jumping into a pool. Artie wasn't feeling right and said he had to catch his breath. They let him just sit on the couch since he was a little light headed.
Howard asked Artie if he was really okay. Artie said he was feeling really bad about the stuff that went down before the vacation. He was acting all weird and mumbling as if he were drunk. Howard said that this might be the thing for Artie to do, just sweat. He sounded like he was wasted. Dr. Roni brought him a drink that was sweet that he should like. Artie said it tasted like water to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they're going to kill Artie if they keep doing this stuff. He said that Artie got winded riding an escalator so they have to be careful. They talked about weighing him in again but he was still out of it on the couch so Howard was just going to leave him there.
Howard had Steve Langford come in to give his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they have an insider there who is giving information to RobinsWrong.com. Howard sounded surprised by that. The guys wondered who it was and theorized that someone like JD was doing ti. JD came in and said that it wasn't him, he loves Robin and wouldn't do that to her. Steve said that the information came out during an interview about something else.
Steve said that one of the one of the guys who appears on Bubba the Love Sponge's show has been suspended form work because his pictures were used on Bubba's web site. Artie came walking back in around that time and got on the scale. Artie came in at an even 300 pounds so he is down a few pounds from the last time he weighed in. He thought he was under 300 last time but the guys said it was 303.
Howard had Steve wrap up his news preview and then moved on to Jon Hein. Jon gave his rundown of what they had coming up on today's Wrap Up Show. They're going to talk about Robin's detoxing, Artie's sauna use and Bijou Phillips' visit.
Howard said it was time for Robin to start her news. Artie said he was feeling good after that detoxing thing. He gave Robin a thumbs up on that and wished her luck with the sweat thing. Howard played a couple of song parodies for Robin's news as they were starting it off.
Bobo called in a little later and said that it seems like Angie is still in love with him. Howard said that's not surprising, she really loved him when they were together so she's probably still in love with him. That led to Howard talking more about the whole Angie thing and how great it was that she's said what she's said. He had something else to add to that but Bobo threw him off.
Howard said that he's marrying Beth because she's the best he's ever had. He said they still haven't set a date for the wedding though. They spent a short time on that before Robin got back to her news.
Ralph called in a short time later and asked if this kooky woman she's got living with her is going to come to the movies with them next week. Robin said if she's still there, yes. She thought the woman was going to be with her for just one week but she was saying two weeks this morning so she may be there next week. Howard had Robin get back into her news after he hung up on Ralph.
Howard ended up reading the article from Rolling Stone that he was going to put off for a day. The article was about President Bush and how inept he is at running the country. Howard said the author of the article had it all right in his opinion. He said this issue of Rolling Stone is really good, it's their 40th anniversary issue. He read through a few things from the magazine before Robin got back to her news.
Howard quickly mentioned that Perry Farrell would be on the show tomorrow performing ''Been Caught Stealing.'' He also said that Kathy Griffin was going to stop by and she's apparently one of the names being thrown around as being Rosie O'Donnell's replacement on The View. Robin wasn't so sure that would work out to well though.
Robin told Howard about how she had some 20-something year old people there at her house over the weekend and they were all watching Howard TV and the TV version of ''Private Parts'' which they all enjoyed very much. They were all doing the Baba Booey dance after seeing Sal the Stockbroker doing that and falling off the stage in one episode of Howard TV.
Robin wrapped up her news after that and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started off the show asking Robin how she's doing with her new diet. He said he was thinking about her all day yesterday. Robin was laughing and smiling so he felt pretty good about that. He said the first person he saw when he walked in this morning was Dr. Roni. Artie said that Dr. Roni was looking really good this morning. Howard said he thinks she looks a little bit like Etta May in ''Ghost.'' He said she was a scam artist in the movie at first until she turned out to be real.
Robin said she tried the sauna thing yesterday and she can't believe Artie stuck with it as long as he did because it was so intense. Howard said he got some letters from some doctors who wrote in about Artie getting into that thing. One doctor said that could have killed him. He was showing signs of heat stroke after he came out of it. Artie said he could have stayed in there even longer though. He loved it.
Howard said he spoke to some people about the sauna thing and they were saying that dehydrating rapidly like Artie did is just not a good thing. Howard wanted to know where Dr. Roni was so he could talk to her about all of that nonsense. Artie said he just knows he felt wonderful yesterday after that. He had a lightheadedness about him that was wonderful. Howard said he looked like he was going to pass out though.
Howard asked Robin what she did after the show yesterday. She said they went shopping for food and supplements and things like that. Dr. Roni came in so Howard said hello to her and asked her about the sauna thing. He asked what kind of toxins she was trying to get out of him. She said that she's not sure exactly what was coming out of Artie but there are some people who have metals that come out of them and you can see it on the towel when you wipe them. She said that it goes on and on and on and it's a good thing to sweat. Howard asked her about the doctor who wrote in and brought up the dehydrating thing. She said that if you run for a half hour you sweat and can overdo it so this is no different. She said that you do have to be careful with that kind of thing but Artie did good. She said he was eating plenty and had some salt.
Artie said he felt fine yesterday after all of that. He said he tried to eat healthy and then explained how he had a turkey sandwich and 3 cannolis from a bakery he likes in Hoboken. He said he had to double park just to get in there so he risked getting a ticket by doing that. He said he went into the bakery and sniffed around for a while. Robin said that food is like Artie's hobby. He said that's right and he goes from city to city around this great country looking for food. He said the New York/New Jersey area is the best for food though.
Howard said his friend Pat asked him about the ''toxins'' thing that they were talking about yesterday and he wondered what kind of toxins he had coming out of him. Dr. Roni said that Robin was sweating and had all kinds of stuff coming out of her. Robin said she was really sweating a lot. She was able to shower after her sweat unlike Artie.
Robin said she went home after going shopping and showed Dr. Roni her room. Roni then made dinner for Robin and then they did the sauna thing. Artie asked ''So you didn't have sex?'' and when Robin said they didn't, he said that it's just like they're married. He asked her if she caught Roni telling her accomplices where all of the good stuff was hidden so they can rob her. Robin said she'll be thinking about that all today.
Howard was doing an impression of Dr. Roni's accomplice talking to Roni about what to tell Robin today to convince her that they're doing something legitimate. He was making it seem like it was all just a scam to rob the rich people they were treating. They had Robin to rip off and Judith Regan from Regan Books since Robin mentioned that she was part of this whole detoxing thing.
Artie said that you never let a person into your house unless they have some crazy kind of detoxing machine. Howard was still doing his phone voice talking about how he was fooling Judith Regan about the toxins. He said he was going to take her plasma TV out of her house because it was toxic. Artie joked that there was mercury in Rolex watches so they had to get those out as well. Howard said that he sees that Robin really needs this help because she's got so many problems.
Howard asked Dr. Roni if she ordered Robin to bed last night. She said it was time for Robin to go to bed after everything they did. Dr. Roni said she gave Robin her prepared drinks this morning so she's all set there. She also said that they have the colonic scheduled for tomorrow. Howard asked Robin about her claims of falling down because of this affliction she has. Robin didn't get into that though. Howard asked Robin if she locked her bedroom door last night. Robin said he didn't but Howard told her that he'd have to because he doesn't know her from a hole in the wall.
Howard asked Robin if she feels weird about having this woman treating her the way she was. Robin said she just felt good. Howard asked Dr. Roni if she has any kind of bell or something for Robin to contact her on. Artie asked if she has some ''loony line'' she can call her on. Dr. Roni tried to answer but she was laughing and Howard was talking over her. The guys said that maybe if Robin just walked up to the 36th floor every day she wouldn't need to go through all of this stuff. Artie said they could make sure that they had one of those berry drinks at each floor for her.
Howard took a call from Wolf who asked Robin why she didn't go back on the Master Cleanser diet. Robin said that she's always drinking the Master Cleanser drink but she needs something more compatible with life. Artie said it sounds like she just likes to have someone around to yell at. Robin said she's not yelling at anyone. Howard asked Roni how she went out and went shopping while they had to give Robin her drinks every two hours. She said that she sent out her partner to get that stuff while she and Robin made sure they stuck to that 2 hour window.
Howard was laughing at Robin and all of this stuff she's doing. He asked Roni if Robin ever asked for solid foods. She said she hasn't yet but later in the week she may want to skip a drink. She said she won't let her do that though.
Howard asked Roni how she's set up in Robin's house. She said she's got a lovely room and she spends a lot of time on the internet in there. Ralph called in a short time later and asked how much money this Dr. Roni charges. Howard said they already talked to her about that yesterday. She said it can run up to about $10,000 or so. Ralph wondered why she'd hire a woman like that when he knows a lot about healthy eating and stuff.
Howard said he got pissed with Ralph yesterday. He said he was out at a graduation yesterday and a few people called him to bother him. He said he wasn't able to call Ralph back but he missed a call about him going out to the North Shore Animal League to see Sam Simon get honored. He started to think about how Ralph has no job and can go out to all of this stuff without worrying about it. Robin said Ralph would be great doing one of these jobs because he loves moving into people's houses and stuff like that. He'd just have to make some drinks like she does and he'd be all set.
Ronnie told Howard that he lost one of his drivers and the other one is on vacation. He said he has to drive tonight. Howard asked him not to drive so crazy. He said that he's really aggravated right now with the car. He said Ronnie sent out the car to get the heat and air conditioning fixed. He got in the car over the weekend and turned on the air conditioning. It was nice and cold so he turned it down a little bit and it turned to full on heat. He said that it's one or the other at this point. He said that he just wants the ability to regulate the temperature. Ronnie apparently said that he didn't know what to do about it.
Howard said that he told Ronnie to tell the guy that they want their money back because this thing doesn't work right. Robin asked if the guy laughs when he sees him coming. Howard said he doesn't have the ability to control the heat at this point. Ronnie said that his car guy is telling him that they can replace the whole system but they can't do it in just a couple of days. Howard told him to get it done. Ronnie said he's trying to straighten the whole thing out and he knows he got ripped off.
Ronnie said that the air in the front is factory, the stuff in the back is what's added by the limo company. That's the problem though so Howard talked about how annoying it is. Ralph told him that he could rent a limo or something. Ronnie said that no one rents limos anymore. Howard suggested a Town Car but Ronnie wasn't sure about that either. Howard complained about the heat and air and how they have nothing in between. He said it's either cold or hot and there's nothing in between. Then the fan makes all kinds of noise when it's on so he complained about that as well.
Ralph asked Ronnie what Howard is supposed to do right now if he wants it fixed. Ronnie said they need to give up the car for a couple of weeks to get it fixed. Robin said that the limo company should come up with a solution for a replacement car since they've given him such a problem so far. Ronnie went off on Ralph asking him why he was bothering him because he can handle this himself. Ralph said he was just giving suggestions. Ronnie told him he'd give him the limo guy's phone number and let him handle it then. Artie said he liked the way that the two departments were working together. Howard said that's called Synergy. Artie said it was like the Wardrobe and Transportation departments were really working together.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he could sweat out the toxins from marijuana using that sauna thing. Dr. Roni said that wouldn't work. Artie said that he may have to give it a try and see what kind of toxins he can get out of his body. Howard said that might be what he needs instead of leaving the show in January. Artie asked Dr. Roni if she had anything for his liver. She told him they do and he'd have to give up processed foods. She said that he'd have to stick to natural foods. Artie wondered where you get that stuff. She told him to start with fruits and vegetables.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Dr. Roni could give him that infrared blanket to use in his limo when the air is blowing so cold. Howard said that's a good idea actually. Howard said he thought Artie was going to die in that thing yesterday. Artie said he liked the mat she put on him because it made him look like a piece of furniture.
Howard was very excited that tomorrow is Robin's colon cleansing. He talked to Dr. Roni about that and asked her about how far up Robin's asshole the tube goes. Roni was laughing and wasn't able to get out an answer about that stuff. Artie asked Roni if she has trouble getting up some mornings, like the mornings she has to clean out her client's ass. She said she's been a nurse for a long time so that kind of stuff doesn't bother her. She said she started out as a nurse's aide and worked her way up from there so she's seen everything. Artie said some nurses like that are doing God's work because they're able to put up with so many things like that.
Dr. Roni said that they put in about 3 inches of tube into the rectum and then they start to flush out the system. Howard said that then they get to see stuff like Crayons and boat anchors coming out of her ass. He asked if they're going to see George Lucas' wrist watch or maybe Martina Navratilova's tennis racquet come out of there. He asked what kind of stuff she'd like to see come out. He didn't give her the chance to answer though, he was goofing around doing his accomplice impression again.
Robin said that Howard mentioned Martina and she was watching her on the French Open last night showing off her art that's made of tennis balls. She said that they use tennis balls to create the art and it's incredible. She said they put paint on the balls and then hit them into the art work to create the art. Howard had some fun with that and then went to break.
In the clips Sal claimed that he could follow Robin around with a megaphone telling her to not eat and it would be the same as this chick doing what she's doing for her. Howard said that Sal seems to be angry at her for doing what she's doing. Artie was the same way on that show saying that he thought it was just a celebrity thing to do. Artie said that she has to admit that it's just a weird thing to do. Robin laughed and said she will not admit that.
Howard read some mail about Robin's diet and people are angry at her for trying it. He said that one person wrote that they hope Dr. Roni puts poison in her drink. He said that Robin just needs to lift weights and walk up hill. Someone else said that she was going through a mid-life crisis with no kids and no boyfriend. There was another person who agreed with Sal's opinion about her just not eating so much and working out. Robin said she appreciates the thoughts. One person said they're surprised at how high Robin's crazy meter goes. There was another one who said that the body self cleanses and they don't need to do all of this stuff that Dr. Roni has her doing.
Lisa asked Robin if she's going to have a coffee enema. Robin said that is part of the program so yes, she will. She added that Judith Regan told her that it gave her great clarity after she had it done. Howard wondered why that was. Robin said she apparently does it before every show she does. Howard said maybe she needed to do that before she signed OJ to write the book that got her fired.
Lisa said she spoke to Mr. Skin yesterday because his site was mentioned in the movie ''Knocked Up'' and that has led to a lot more traffic for the site. That led to the guys talking about the web site and how it was used in the movie. Howard said that maybe Mr. Skin had a coffee enema and had some clarity when he came up with the idea for the movie. Howard said he saw ''Knocked Up'' and it was very funny. Lisa said that Seth Rogan reminded her of Artie.
Lisa said that Jason and Will have a new Page 69 story about a couple of people who were fighting on the Howard TV staff. Doug Goodstein stopped the fight from being taped for some reason. Gary said that the fight was great because it was between Isaac Mark and Gregg Karmel. Doug came in and said that it had nothing to do with the show though so that's why they didn't tape it. They're not on-air personalities either. Howard told Doug that he shouldn't stop them from taping it. Doug said that they didn't know they were being recorded either. Gary said that's not true. Steve Langford came in and said that he was walking by when he saw the fight going on. Steve said that he doesn't take orders from Doug so he kept recording but Doug told the guys to be quiet so they wouldn't be recorded.
Gary asked Doug if it was true that he asked Will to take down a note from the computer screen when he let Howard know it was going on. Howard asked Steve what he thought about it. Steve said it was bullshit and this was like censorship. Doug said he gets it but he doesn't think that anyone would care. Steve said that Doug tried to censor it and that's what he did. Doug said that Steve was being sneaky about it. Steve said that's bullshit and he wasn't being sneaky.
Ralph called in and asked why Doug is deciding what should go on the air. Doug said that they didn't know that they were being recorded. Steve said that's not the case. Ralph said that when you're at the studio, they record everything so they should know that they're being recorded.
Gregg came in and told Howard that he should have been getting Artie on tape in the studio and Isaac gave him an attitude and he didn't like his tone so that led to their fight. Gary said that it was a great fight because they were doing a lot of ''dude'' throwing around. Gregg said he feels bad because he put Doug in an awkward position with the whole thing.
Howard told Doug that he should apologize to Steve for calling him names. Doug asked Gregg if he knew he was being recorded. Gregg said he didn't see the microphone. Steve said he wasn't hiding the microphone, he wasn't being secretive. Doug insisted that Steve was being secretive so they went back and forth on that for a short time. Howard told Doug to apologize to Steve but he wouldn't do it. Doug said he finds Steve to be kind of weird. He said he likes the guy but he is kind of weird. Howard wrapped up with those guys and moved on to the next guest.
Howard asked Donald how he met Elvis. Donald went on to tell the story about how he met him at this coffee shop where Elvis would come in to eat. He said that they kind of clicked when he told Elvis he was from Tennessee. He said that one night Elvis offered to drive him home from the coffee shop he was working at. He said that they listened to some music and had a couple of drinks. They listened to music like ''Victory at Sea'' which led to Robin saying that this can't be true. Howard played the music he was talking about and asked Donald if Elvis blew him. He said there really wasn't much that they didn't do. He said they did ''the whole smear...''
Donald said that Elvis asked him to come over and lay down on some pillows with him. He did that and then they started to cuddle and did their thing. Howard asked him why he didn't go public when Elvis was alive. Donald said he never considered writing a book until he read another book where a woman came out and talked about her experiences. He said that he didn't do Elvis in the ass but he did lick it... or tossed his salad.
Donald talked about Steve McQueen and how he was a big bore. He said that they met at Alice's restaurant out in Malibu. He said that Steve was getting drunk and ended up getting closer and closer to him until they kissed. That was back in 1972 or so. He claims that he did a 69 with Steve. Robin wondered if he was with Ali McGraw at the time. He said he thinks that they were just breaking up around that time.
Howard asked Donald about being with Charles Manson and found out that he had a big, hairy bush. Donald said that he was smitten with Charles when he saw him for the first time. He said that Manson patted the bench so he could come and sit down next to him. Howard read some notes about this book and read something about Manson giving him a 'dark chocolate bar.'' Donald explained that Manson liked to watch him perform and then took a piece of his feces and dipped it in chocolate and coconut pieces and then ate it. Howard read the notes and found out that Donald had eaten Manson's crap as well. Donald said that he was embarrassing him with that.
Howard said Donald claims that James Dean at his crap as well and the Duke of Windsor gave him a blow job. These were some crazy accusations. Donald told another story about an experience he had with Anthony Perkins. He said that they didn't say a word to each other when they did it. Howard read that Donald's father used to watch him jerking off. Donald said that it was his step-father and he had a strange relationship with him for about 13 years. He said that all started when he was about 10.
Howard said that Donald likes to eat feces. Donald said that he tried it, he doesn't really like it. Howard read that Donald banged Orson Wells in the ass when he was 15 years old. Donald said he got a $100 bill after that. Howard read more notes about that and found out that there was shit on the seat after he did Orson in the ass.
Howard gave Donald a plug for his book ''One Gay Man'' which is available at OneGayMan.com. Gary came in a short time later and told a story about a guy he had never heard of, but the story was so good that he read the excerpt to Howard. He said it was this guy John Payne who he took in his mouth when he was laying in a hospital bed unconscious. He said that he was the only person he ever pursued. The others were pure serendipity. He said he heard that Payne had been hurt in a car crash so he went to the hospital and did what he did. Howard asked Artie what he'd do if he woke up to something like that. Artie said that they'd soon change places in the hospital.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that he has to be making this shit up. He said that Elvis was a man among men and there's no way he was banging this fruit. Another caller said he was a lying son of a bitch and those men he was talking about were manly men. Another caller said this was the most disgusting thing he's ever heard. He had the guys in the back on the phone with Wood Yee audio clips asking him some gay questions. Howard took some other calls and some guys were calling him names and goofing on him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his mother dated Elvis and he knows some details about his penis. The caller said that his penis was crooked and this guy doesn't know that so he's got to be a phony. Robin asked Donald if he had heard from any of the families. Howard asked him if he'd take a lie detector test. Donald said he wouldn't do that because he doesn't think he has to. Artie did his impression of Ed Torian the lie detector test guy and asked him a few sample questions. Donald didn't know what he was doing so he was just answering the questions.
Donald said that he knows a guy who did the father of a famous NASCAR driver and it would blow NASCAR fans away if they knew who he was talking about. Howard started to wrap up with Donald and gave him a couple more plugs for his stuff. Artie asked him what he did for a living. He said he was in the hotel/casino/restaurant industry and also worked for FedEx. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard played a new voice mail from Crazy Alice who said she thinks that Howard should stay out of people's personal lives. She said that Robin should do the same and then started yelling at her. She told Artie to leave the show if he really wants to. She said that he could end up like her though. She said that he should be happy he is the way he is, a nice looking motherfucker.
Howard played Mike Morse's song about Artie called ''Say Goodbye to Artie Lange.'' He also played some new stuff that Dan the Song Parody Man has been working on. He played his ''D'yer M'aker'' parody where he threw in the clips of the ''Oprah Winfrey, Negro woman from the South'' clips.
Kathy asked Artie what's going on with him and his claims that he might be leaving the show. They spent a short time on that but Howard changed the subject and asked Kathy if she's going to be Rosie O'Donnell's replacement. Kathy said that she is doing the show again this week but she hasn't been approached to replace Rosie. She said that she is terrified of Barbara Walters and that she might say something wrong.
Kathy said that she went out to dinner with Rosie and Cyndi Lauper one night and it was a great evening. She quickly mentioned that but then they brought up her husband and asked her about where that's at now. Kathy said that whole thing is over and she questions the whole relationship because he stole money from her. She said that she wishes him luck but she will never get married again. She said she's dating now and she loves it. She said that she will fuck a guy on the first date too. She said that she doesn't get it when women claim they have headaches and crap like that. She likes to make it happen quick and not play the game.
Kathy claims that her husband may have gotten about $72,000 of her money. She said that people think it's not that much money but she said it really is a lot. She said Larry King even said to her ''What's that to you?'' when she told him how much she'd lost.
Kathy said that she was asked to do this Larry King tribute show and it turned out to be really lame. She said there was hardly anyone there and she tried to do it but it was very rough. She said that all of the good stuff went on during the commercial breaks. She said that Larry kept saying he had to get home because his wife had a migraine and they had the lamest things going on during the show. Kathy said they had people calling in and singing live on the phone. It was very strange.
Kathy told Howard she didn't see the Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasslebeck blow up. She was on a plane on her way to do the show and she had dinner with her the next night and Rosie said she knew she wasn't going back to the show that night. She said she talks about all of that stuff on her blog. Howard said that he's surprised that reporters don't go on her blog to find out more of that stuff.
Kathy told Howard that she doesn't drink at all so Howard told her that he used to be stupid like that but now he has a drink almost every night. He asked her what she learned at this dinner she had with Rosie and Cyndi Lauper. She said that Rosie was wondering what she should do about the show. She said that she really doesn't hang out with many celebrities like that, just Rosie and Joan Rivers. She said that she gets to see Rosie with her girlfriend Kelly. Howard said he'd be his life on it that they bring other girls into the bed. Robin said she doesn't think that's the case. Kathy said they have an Au Pair there so Howard figured she's probably in the bed with them. Kathy said that the girl is kind of butch with super short hair.
Howard said he finds it hard to believe that Rosie would have her to her show. She said that's kind of mean but Howard said that she tells all so that's why he's surprised. That led to him telling Kathy about his dinner with Barbara Walters. She didn't believe it at first so Howard filled her in on the details and she said she was shocked that they liked each other. Howard said he was pretty sure that she was really into him and would have fucked him if he wanted to. Howard said he'd have to do her from behind, in the dark, if he was going to do her.
Kathy said she asked Barbara if she could come to one of her dinner parties. She said that Barbara told her she doesn't have parties anymore so she wasn't going to be invited to any. Kathy said she was told that she just had one of those parties in the past 6 months.
Kathy told Howard about getting invited to Drew Barrymore's house for a party. She thought she was being Punk'd or something so she asked her assistants to check into it. She found out it was legitimate and it was a friend of Drew's who invited her. She said it turned out to be a theme party where everyone had to dress up in a toga. She said that she just wanted to see famous people so she went and got dressed up in the toga over her regular clothes. She said she brought Lance Bass with her to the party and he had no problem getting dressed in a toga. She said that the DJ there was Lindsay Lohan. Howard said that's weird but she's hot. Kathy said that she appeared to be coked up because she was kind of out of it. She said that these DJs have these iPods that they use now instead of turntables. She said that she was watching Lindsay and the scratching didn't seem to match up so maybe they just told her she was the DJ and had someone else doing it.
Kathy said that there were some people like Amy Polar, Molly Shannon and Heather Graham there at the party. She figured that Heather was Howard's type but he said that she's not that hot. He said she's too old for him. Kathy told Howard that she dated this guy Andrew W. K. who wrote this song ''Party Hard'' and it was very much like a fish out of water type thing for her. She said that he wasn't famous enough for her though. She said she liked it better when she dated Ron Jeremy because they had their pictures taken everywhere.
Howard said Kathy calls the paparazzi to follow her around and the other night she fell out of her car when they were following her around. She said she loved that because her pictures were all over the place. She said she actually set it up and did the stupid stumble and pretended to be drunk even though she doesn't drink. The guys showed the pictures on the monitors in the studio. They seemed to find them pretty amusing.
Gary came in and said that Kathy had to get going but asked her if she's still doing those product placement deals. She said she's not doing them and she's upset about it. Everyone else it out there doing them. Howard gave Kathy some plugs for her stand-up special, her TV show and some upcoming comedy shows. You can find out more about that stuff at KathyGriffin.net. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Perry Farrell sitting in the studio and asked him if he's clean now. Perry gave him a very enthusiastic ''No!'' Howard asked him if he's on Subutex like Artie is. Perry said no to that as well. Howard asked him if it's true that he claims he looks so young because of the drugs he's taken. Perry said that might be true because the maturity level stays low if you take drugs. He said that cocaine is one of his favorites and sex is great on that stuff.
Howard also talked to Perry's wife who was in the studio. He told her that she's beautiful and asked if Perry can meet her needs. She said that he does. She said that she doesn't bring other women into the bed or anything like that. Perry said he'll dress up as a woman and pretend like that's another woman in bed. He also said that he'd have no problem bringing another man or woman into bed with them.
Howard asked Perry what he's going to tell his children when they come to him and ask about drug use. He said he'll tell them to check them out but not be a fool about it. He said he'd like them to keep it together, that's all that matters to him. Howard said Perry is a weird dude. Sometimes he thinks he's pretty normal but then he brought in a bag of tiffilin.
Howard asked Perry how he deals with the drug thing when he has to go out and work. Perry said you have to just tell yourself that you have to go to work and just don't do it. Howard said that Perry and his band all sounded great when they were rehearsing. He said that they have this one girl in the band who looks really hot. He talked to her about how hot she is and found out she only plays in Perry's band. Howard wanted to hear her play something to prove she knew how to play. She said she didn't take any schooling for that. She was wearing a belly shirt so Howard told her how hot that was. He said that not enough women wear that kind of thing these days.
Howard asked what happened with Dave Navarro leaving Jane's Addiction. Perry said he thinks that Dave is trying to be a DJ or something just like Howard. Howard said it's kind of weird that he went off to do that Rock Star Supernova show. They spent a minute on that and then asked Perry to perform ''Been Caught Stealing.''
Howard asked Perry if he would ever appear on American Idol. Perry said that show reduces the art of music to a contest and he doesn't get that. He said that they're talking about self expression, not some kind of contest. He said he wouldn't go on there to expose his music to the people that watch the show, he'd rather just expose his genitals to his wife.
Perry said that they just started their tour with the band Satellite Party. Howard talked to him about that for a second and then got back to Perry's wife and asked how they met. She aids that they met when she was dancing during his shows. Howard went through that story a little bit and then got back to Perry and his band. He gave them a plug for their new album ''Ultra Payloaded'' and then had them perform ''Been Caught Stealing.''
After the song Howard said that's the way to do it. Perry said that was just for Robin and Howard since they hadn't seen them in so long. Howard said that he'd have to bang Perry's wife after that. Perry said that they might have to get together for dinner so he can see Howard's girl as well.
Howard talked to Perry about his band and their new album. Gary came in and said that they were going to play their new single before they left. Howard said he wanted to do that and he would get to it. Perry asked Howard if he would invite him to his wedding. Howard said he's not sure if he's even going to have a wedding. He said he's pretty sure that Perry didn't have a big wedding. Perry's wife said that they eloped and didn't have a big one either. Howard said that Perry could some to the party after they're married but he might have to be the band there.
Perry said that satellite radio is great and he actually has SIRIUS. His wife said they didn't have a choice when they bought their car. Howard said that's the way it should be and quickly said ''merger, merger...'' Howard thanked Perry for coming in and said he was going to play their new single from their new album ''Ultra Payloaded.'' The new single is ''Wish Upon a Dog Star'' so Howard asked him why he has dogs in so many of his songs. Perry said he just likes feeling like a dog. Howard said it's tough to have a conversation with Perry because you never know what he's talking about.
Howard asked Perry who dresses him because he's always dressed up. He said he spends hours in front of the mirror dressing himself. He said he doesn't need a stylist because he's better than any stylist could be. Howard asked his wife what the craziest thing Perry has ever done with her. He said that he had her dress up like Dave Navarro once. Howard asked Perry if he's ever brought another man into the bed. They said that they never do that stuff and they're really boring like that.
Howard asked Perry about a sex tape that almost came out one time. Perry told Howard that he didn't tape it himself. He had a person who had put a hit out on him to get his life insurance. He said that he had hired a Private Investigator to keep an eye on him and that guy took the video. He said he was watching the Channel 2 News one night right after the final episode of ''Seinfeld'' and saw himself on the news. He said he got a call about 10 minutes before and then hired a lawyer so the guy would be forced to return the tape. He said he took those tapes and burned them in his back yard.
Howard told Perry that he's one of his favorite people and then said he was going to play this song ''Wish Upon a Dog Star.'' Perry told Howard about the people who are in the band after one of his band mates asked him to do that. Perry went on to explain to Howard that the dog star thing is related to the Sirius constellation so it did have a connection to Sirius satellite radio in a way. Howard told him that he's way out there with that stuff and wrapped up with him. He then played the ''Wish Upon a Dog Star'' song as they went to break.
Howard asked Robin about the drinks that Dr. Roni was bringing into her. She said that she was enjoying the drinks and there was plenty of the stuff to drink. She said that she's been peeing quite a bit from drinking so much. She said that she apparently doesn't drink enough usually. Robin said that she wasn't peeing all night last night because you stop drinking this stuff around 6 o'clock at night.
Robin said that she's not hungry but she does get the urge to chew on something. Robin said that she really doesn't like food in general. She aids that food makes her feel bad in general unless it's fine food that she doesn't eat all that often. Artie said he loves eating and only feels bad when he over eats. He said that he's basically given up at this point.
Howard and Artie talked about how cool Perry and his band were. Howard said that he thinks the keyboard player wanted him because she was dancing for him during the break. Artie said that she didn't even play the piano during the song and just danced the whole time. Artie said he was watching her and Perry's wife through the whole live performance. Artie said that he wishes he had the balls to go up and talk to chicks like that but he just isn't that good with women. He said he should be able to do it with the job he has.
Howard said that he's always had a bad rap himself and he used to ask Gary to go and get numbers for him. He told Artie that she was really giving him a cool vibe. She walked over and started talking to him so he told her that's his favorite shirt ever. He said she started to pretend to play the keyboard so he started to dance around and play the keyboard too. He said she was playing the imaginary keyboard and he started playing it as well. He told Artie that he should have come over to play as well.
Artie said he loves the sound effect of George Takei saying ''YEAH!'' that they played during that bit. Howard said he had one more thing to play before they got to the news. He said it was a clip from the German edition of ''American Idol'' and it was a couple of heavy metal guys singing in that really low, evil-sounding voice that the death metal guys do. Howard said it was pretty funny and they were singing an actual song from the band Cannibal Corpse called ''I Will Kill You.'' He played another one where an Austrian kid sings a similar song. That kid sounds almost like the real song.
Richard Christy came in and said that he listens to that kind of music and enjoys it. He said he was listening to some of it on his way into work this morning. He told Howard that the one guy he had just played looked like he was taking a shit when he was performing. Howard played another clip from American Idol where a guy was singing a song from Silverstein. Howard said the real singer can actually kind of sing but the guy from American Idol can't. Howard played the real song and then the performance from ''American Idol'' where all of the judges gave him a ''no.'' Howard liked the Silverstein song and wondered why it never became a hit. Then the death metal singing came on. He said he could deal with a little bit of that.
Howard said that Crazy Alice is a good death metal singer and played a song where they took her audio clips where she was cursing Artie out one time and put them to some metal song. Richard said that was a band called Napalm Death. Howard also played some of the new ''I'm a Gay Papa'' cover that he played earlier. It was one that was a Nine Inch Nails-type of performance.
Steve said that she was 50 years old and found dead in her hotel room two weeks ago down in New Orleans. It was ruled as natural causes but that's all they got. Steve said that her brother hasn't even heard about the exact cause of death. Howard said that she was a whole rehab chick and wondered if it was drugs. Steve said she had her problems over the years but they're not sure what exactly took her life.
Howard said that he had to mention his buddy Wayne Segal because he's always helping him out with his car. He gave him a plug for his Legend Porsche, Audi, Saab dealer out on Long Island.
Howard couldn't remember the doctor's name so he asked Steve to come in and tell them what that was. Her name was Dr. Leslie Armstrong. Steve said they're not so sure about the ''Doctor'' part of her name though.
Artie said he thinks he's falling for Dr. Roni who is helping Robin out with her diet. He said he likes that she can make a living ripping off celebrities the way she does. He was just joking around of course.
Steve said they'll also have some coverage of Robin's diet if she'll allow it. Robin said she won't take Howard 100 News home with her like she's doing with Dr. Roni. Steve also said that they have a story about a web site called RobinsWrongIsWrong.com is backing off going up against RobinsWrong.com ever since Robin made her comments about Artie calling Howard a jerk. Steve said they'll be talking to Bill Keller about some of the stuff he's been doing lately that's getting him into some trouble.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They had a new theme song for him when he came in. The song was to the tune of The Ramones' ''I Wanna Be Sedated'' and it was called ''He Never Masturbated.'' Howard asked Jon if he can count on his hand how many times he's done that. Jon said it's more than that but not recently. He said his wife is always ready to go when he needs to do that so he doesn't need to. Jon gave his Wrap Up Show topics for today and included Kathy Griffin, Perry Farrell and some of the other things they did on the show today. He mentioned Donald Taylor's claims of eating celebrity shit during that show preview so the guys talked about that a little bit.
Howard mentioned that he got a couple of transsexual videos in the mail. He showed the pictures to Artie and Artie said that they looked like dudes and he couldn't see past their cocks. Howard threw the pictures out after that. He said they're still looking for hot Tranny's to enter their contest though. He said there's a $5,000 grand prize for that contest.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Perry Farrell was great. Howard said that he's interviewed Perry a couple of times and he'd love for him to really tell them what's going on in his life. He's pretty sure that it would be fascinating. The caller also asked if he could come to the Chris Cornell performance but Howard said that it was just the one guy he's going to let in there. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
During Robin's news Howard took a call from a guy who told him how great the Perry Farrell interview was. He said he was kind or worried about the interview after that Hanson interview he did recently. Howard said he thought that interview was good though. That eventually led to Artie talking about some other great interviews that have gone on during other Howard 101 shows. He said that he heard Denny McClain on Scott Ferrall's show and it was a very interesting show. While he was telling Howard the details of that interview he mentioned that his kid had died so Howard said that's got to be the worst.
Artie talked about how Tony Soprano seems the most human when he's talking about his kids on that show. That led to the guys talking about what they'd like to see happen on The Sopranos in the series finale next week. Howard wanted to see Tony get revenge and come out on top instead of seeing him get killed off. Robin said she'd like to see him in jail. Howard said that he should show what he can do and get revenge and Fred agreed with him on that. He asked Benjy what he'd like to see. Benjy told Howard it was a mistake to ask him and didn't give him an answer.
Artie had a little Sopranos game to play with Howard. He said that he gave them a tid bit during Little Steven's interview. He said he can pick out the reason they name the Sopranos episodes the way they do. The most recent show was titled ''Blue Comet'' and asked Howard if he could figure out why they named it that. Howard thought it had something to do with the cleaning product comet but it was actually the train that Steve Shirippa's character was buying when he was whacked. That led to Artie doing a scene from The Sopranos the way he does The Godfather scenes by memory.
Howard said that the final episode of The Sopranos is called 'Made in America'' so Robin figured that means that someone is going to be a ''made man'' in the show so she wondered who that could be. Artie ended up doing another scene from The Sopranos that he had memorized. He stumbled for a few seconds and then came up with most of it except for a few key words. Howard had the audio clip from the scene that Artie was trying to do just minutes later. They went through that and Howard said he'd like to have that guy Phil Leotardo on the show but he'd really want the character, not the actor.
Howard said that it's obvious that Fred has a lot to say and doesn't stop. He said it was good that they checked in with him today. He said they'll talk to him again in 2008. Fred said that since that might happen, he wanted to say goodbye to Artie now just in case he does leave the show by then. He also said he's looking forward to seeing a skinny Robin.
The guys continued to talk about The Sopranos and what they think might happen and what they'd like to see happen. Howard repeated something that Fred had said not realizing that he zoned out while Fred was talking. He said he'll have to listen to the replay to hear what Fred actually said. He said sometimes he listens to the show and realizes how funny he is with his sound effects. Robin said that Fred does an amazing impression of Richard Christy. Howard said he is aware of that.
Robin read through some more news stories and told Howard about how Lindsay Lohan's mother is looking for a job on The View or something like that. That got Howard all fired up and complaining about people like her and Britney Spears and other celebrities who have jerked him around. He said Britney Spears had her people ask him to come over to say hi to her but he said it would be a sign of respect if they walked over to him if they wanted to meet him. He said that Rod Stewart did that to him one time and it pissed him off. He said he would walk over to talk to someone like Don Rickles or even Mick Jagger, but not Keith Richards. Howard played a clip of Dina Lohan interviewing her own daughter on the red carpet at a movie premiere. Howard said she appears very desperate for a job.
Howard took some phone calls from some people who had some predictions for The Sopranos and what might happen in the final episode. They had some wacky ideas that not too many of the guys were accepting as possibilities. They wrapped up the show a short time later. Artie got in a plug for an autograph signing he's doing at an FYE store on 6th Ave and 52nd in New York city this Thursday at Noon. Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started off the show talking about how free they are to say anything there uncensored. He threw in an early ''motherfucker'' to give an example. Howard went on to talk about how Artie got that hot chick from Perry Farrell's band to give him her number. The guys talked about how she was on Rock Star Supernova. Howard didn't remember her but Richie Wilson gave him a tape to remind him.
Artie talked about how he hijacked the Wrap Up Show to try and get a date with her. He said he saw her after the show when she was looking for her cell phone and that led to a discussion on the Wrap Up Show where they worked with him to praise him in front of this chick Jen to make him look impressive.
Howard had some audio clips from the Wrap Up Show where they talked about how they were going to work things. They had Jen the keyboardist come on the show so they could work their magic. They talked to her and kept throwing in mentions of what Artie does for a living and how he's doing Letterman on Wednesday night. He talked about how he had been doing lots of network TV shows and things like that. They threw in that he sold out Carnegie Hall. Benjy brought up that he's a multi-millionaire and tried to help out by saying that he's set for life.
Artie said that Benjy was particularly good helping out on the show. He said he pulled a Don Rickles on Benjy when he told him to stop bringing that up even though he was happy he did. Jen was talking to the guys about how they don't do what they do for the money, they do it because they love it. Artie agreed but the other guys kept throwing out more of the stuff that Artie does to make him look impressive. They were piling on the bullshit.
Jen told the guys that she was from Vancouver so Artie told her he shot ''Elf'' up there and loves that area. She said that she's looking for a place to live now because she gave up her apartment there. She's kind of single but has some guys around that she likes. Artie asked her to come to Letterman with him but she had to fly out last night. Artie then said that he'd like to take her out to eat sometime and she agreed to go.
Howard told Artie that he's jealous of that because that chick was hot. They talked about how well that worked out for him yesterday. It was like 5 guys working on one chick. Artie said they're nothing but a bunch of dogs. He said she was sexy as hell. Howard said he really doesn't remember anything about Rock Star Supernova or that chick.
Artie said that he called and left a message for Jen and said he'd like to get together. She's out of the country for 4 weeks though so he won't get to see her until July. He didn't go over to see her at Letterman yesterday. He said he's going to call her back when she gets back into the country. He thinks that she was really interested too. Benjy said that the stuff they were throwing out at her was all true so they weren't lying to her.
Howard said that Jen can sing, he saw her in the clip that Richie Wilson sent around. Artie said that Perry Farrell came by the Wrap Up Show while Jen was on and he thought he was really cool for a big rock-star type. He said he's not arrogant at all like Scott Weiland is. He said he met Scott a couple of times and he was so arrogant he wanted to punch him in the face.
Howard told Artie that he can't get this kind of stuff if he's alone wandering around Europe. Artie said she bought the whole thing hook, line and sinker. She can't hear the show because she's over in England now so they won't spoil it for him.
Howard congratulated Artie on his conquest and almost called him ''bro'' again. He took that back as soon as it came out. That led to Artie and Robin arguing again about the stuff that Robin started that morning that she told Howard that he'd called him a jerk. Robin then went off on Artie for getting upset with her for bringing something out that he needed to get off his chest anyway. Howard said he was getting a headache from the two of them.
Artie said he's got a really stressful day today. He's got to do a pre-interview for Letterman today at noon. He said that's the worst part of the whole thing. He said he has to do it but it's so awful. The guy he does it with is really nice but he hates doing it. He said he can't blow it off like Howard does. Howard said he doesn't have to prove anything over there anymore so he just goes on and lets Dave interview him. He had to do what Artie is doing when he started out on there though. Artie said he's done the show twice now and he was good both times. He's hoping that he can pull it off again. He said he has stuff planned for the show and he's going to do some A-Rod material for Dave since he knows he's a fan.
Howard said that Howard TV is going to be following Robin around all day for her treatment. Robin said they're even coming back to her house. Howard said it has to be awkward to have Dr. Roni staying with her at her house. Robin said it wasn't that strange. She said things are working out just fine. Howard said he's been talking to Ronnie the Limo Driver about it and they were discussing how odd it is that she has someone staying with her.
Howard said they have a great show today. They have Cabbie coming in for a visit. They have the Hottest Regular Chick contest coming up as well. Artie said he has a chick coming in but she's 40 years old. Ronnie found a chick who is 50 but very hot. Ronnie said he saw this chick and asked her to come on. She started to get a little wobbly when she heard what they wanted her to do. Howard said they asked the guys on the show to go out and find the hottest chick they could and bring her back to the show. They have a $5,000 prize for the winner. They need a normal chick who isn't in show business.
Artie said they had to go out and find a chick who they didn't know. He said that he had one girl who was really hot but he already knew her. Artie said he had another strange experience when he went up to a chick in the lobby and asked her if she was interested in being in the contest. He said the girl turned out to be an intern on the show that had just started. Artie said he really needed that Wrap Up Show thing yesterday because he's been called a 1.5 by one of the other interns.
Ronnie said that he almost cock blocked Artie yesterday with that chick Jen when she came into the studio. He said Artie was going to get her number by calling her missing cell phone and Ronnie was going to just use his phone instead.
Howard said that Fred had trouble finding a hot chick when he went out to find one for this contest they have today. Fred said he got a lot of strange looks from the chicks he was asking to be part of the contest. Howard told Fred that's because he's kind of scary. Fred said he was ready to go off to Europe with Artie after Howard went off on him.
Artie said that he was offering the chicks to take the whole $5,000 to get them on the show. Fred was doing the same but Gary was making strange deals where he was only going to give the girl $1,000. Gary said that he had a reason for doing that. He said he found one girl who would have been perfect for it but she started to back out so he had the ability to bump the money up and up instead of just blowing his load right off the bat.
Howard asked Fred about not being able to find a chick. Fred said he was asking girls to do it and then he'd find out that they weren't over the age of 18. He said he was throwing out the show name and the money to the girls and he still wasn't able to find anyone. He said he thinks that all girls should have to wear signs that say that they're over or under 18. Howard said Fred isn't alone, JD wasn't able to find a girl either.
Fred said he was sent down to Columbus Circle to find a chick but there were none there. Howard said that some of the guys could go to Hooters to find girls. Fred said he thought that wasn't allowed. That's what Artie thought as well. He said he was under the impression that the girls couldn't use their looks to have made money. Jason came in and said that he told the guys that the girls couldn't have modeled, that's it. If they were just a waitress, that would be fine.
Howard said it's not easy to go up to women like that and find someone willing to be part of the contest. Artie said he found a 17 year old in Times Square and asked her to be part of it. He didn't know she was that young. Gary said that he wasn't telling the women what the name of the contest was either. He was telling them they were just looking for the hottest ''girl next door.''
All of this was shot for Howard TV so they had audio of JD going out to find chicks. He was asking girls if he could ''borrow them'' for a second. JD said he had two chicks lined up but they both backed out. He played a clip of JD asking a girl if she was interested in coming on the show to be part of the show. Howard listened to that and told him he was a loser. He told him that he doesn't know how to talk to people. He said that he should have told her about the money right up front. He was telling the girl that ''the worst thing'' she'd have to do was get into a bikini. That scares girls off. JD said that it's easy to sit there and tell him that now. Howard played some more clips of JD asking various hot chicks if they had been models or actresses. Quite a few of them were turning him down right away.
Howard played one clip where JD said he was going to do a walk around like a kidnapper might do. JD said he was just trying to be funny for the show. Howard played more of JD's stuff and we got to hear him asking to talk to the girls for a couple of seconds and the girls just walking off saying they didn't have time.
Howard moved on to Fred after that and played some of his attempts to find a girl for the contest. He wasn't having much luck, just like JD. Howard was goofing on him a little bit so Fred shot back at Howard telling him that he looks like a character from a Tim Burton movie. Howard said he's just trying to help Fred out and he's sabotaging him. He said that he didn't bring a girl in so obviously he was scaring them away. Artie said that he brought in a girl but it was the last one he tried so it wasn't so easy for him. Howard had to go to break a short time later.