Howard started off the show saying that there might be something wrong with the audio there in the studio. He thought the right side was off. Fred said it sounded fine to him but Howard thought the balance was off in his headphones. He had to try and fix it because it was driving him nuts. He said it was better when he reversed the headphones. Scott the Engineer came in to check things out so Fred and Howard were goofing on him about how skinny he's gotten. They said he could barely walk and looked so hungry. That led to them talking about how much Benjy was eating over at Gary's house over the weekend.
Howard got the headphone's fixed by Scott and he said he wants people to leave things alone in his studio. He and Scott spent a short time messing with the settings trying to get it back to the way it used to be. Howard was directing him how to get it back and asked why people have to touch his shit. He said the audio was terrible and he was getting aggravated. He said that the equipment had to have been changed and someone should be fired.
The guys talked about how just about anyone could bowl if they played it enough. Artie thinks that if Michael Jordan did it, he could be the best bowler around because it's not as technical as Baseball. Scott challenged him to a game so Artie said he could do that if he could practice for about 2 months. Scott said he'd even spot him 75 pins. Artie said that sounded good to him. Scott said he's never bowled a 300 but he has done a 290 and his average is a 206 which Artie thought was pretty good. A phone caller said that 206 is actually pretty good.
Scott said that going out bowling during the week is kind of tough for him. He has to get up very early in the morning to get into work. Howard asked if there are any hot women at the bowling alley when he's there. He said there are none because it's a men's league that he plays in. Robin asked him why he didn't take that up as a profession if he's so good at it. Scott said there's a lot to it like traveling and touring the country and he just never got into it.
Scott was explaining the bowling stuff to Howard and the guys. He was talking about the different weight balls and things like that. The guys talked about how women and men's bowling is quite a bit different. Howard said he thought that a female pro could do just as well as a man but Scott disagreed. Robin even said that women have different bodies and just can't do the same things that men can so they are going to be different at bowling. That led to Howard asking Scott if he thinks he could beat a pro female bowler. Scott said that would be tough and he probably couldn't. Artie gave him a little nudge and said that he should say that he could beat anyone. Scott did that but it wasn't very convincing.
A phone caller said there was only one way Scott could have bowled a 290 and that would be throwing 11 strikes and then a gutter ball. Scott said that's not true and he bowled a 9 in the first frame and then bowled 11 strikes after that. He's done that twice.
Wheels called in and said that he'd bowl against Scott but Howard said they really don't care. Scott didn't really want to bowl a handicapped guy. Howard let Wheels go even though it sounded like he thought he could beat him.
Howard said he was worried about Artie at Gary's house the other night because he didn't think they were getting enough food. He said some people went out and got something to eat after Gary's meal because the portions were so small.
Howard said he went out to see Adam Carolla's new movie on Thursday night and it turns out the movie is really good. He said it was surprising because he made it for $850,000. He said he took Robin out to dinner after that. He also mentioned that Artie wasn't at the movie and that was because he had to go out and shoot some scenes for ''Rescue Me.'' Artie said that he did a full blown sex scene for the show. He explained what the scene was and how he gets caught in bed with this chick. He said that this actress is really beautiful but he couldn't remember her last name. He said he has a new amount of respect for porn guys because they're actually able to get a hard-on.
Artie said he's supposed to be naked in the scene and just covers himself up with a blanket. He said he asked not to have to wear these ''nudity briefs'' which make it look like you're naked. He asked to just wear boxer shorts instead. The guys showed Howard a picture of the chick Artie did it with, Susan Misner, and he said she was very cute. He said that she looks really good on the internet.
Artie said he actually wrapped his penis in an ace bandage so he wouldn't get a boner. He said that turned out not to be a problem because he couldn't get it up at all even when she was riding him. He said that she has her skirt hiked up in the scene and he gets to see her stomach and she was really hot but he just didn't get hard for her. She was really rubbing him a lot and it looked like they were really having sex. He didn't tell her that he had the bandage on his dick though. He said there's no way he could have gotten a boner in front of all of the sweaty guys behind the scenes there. Howard said he had a boner the whole time he was shooting his movie. He told Artie he should have just told the chick that there was a chance he'd get hard for her.
Artie said he plays the cousin of this guy on the show and he eventually looks back and sees this guy but the director let the scene go on for about a minute. He said the chick put her face down toward his face so he went into a kiss and she pulled back. He said she found that to be more intimate than rubbing on him. Howard wanted to know how he put the ace bandage on his dick, he wanted him to demonstrate that. Artie said that he wanted to be sure he didn't get a hard-on so that's why he did that bandage thing.
Fred said that Betty (Thomas) had to send Howard off the set at one point to get him to calm down with the boner thing. He didn't have a problem getting it up on the set. Robin said she was on the set one time and saw Howard doing the bathtub scene where he was in his underpants and he had to double himself over to hide his erection.
Artie said he couldn't touch the chick because he was just too fat. Howard told him that this is what you get into acting for and he should have taken advantage of it. He told Artie that he took advantage of Mary McCormack when he was in the love scenes with her in Private Parts. He was feeling her up the whole time and he let her know that's what he was going to do. Artie said that he did have his hand on this chick's waist. Howard brought up the ace bandage thing and said that maybe if he had it out, he could have slipped it in at some point. He said it would be funny if that did happen and Artie had to apologize for coming inside of her. Artie asked if Craft Services had a morning after pill available. Artie said he had to shoot the scene 5 or 6 times and he told her that she'd probably win an Emmy for that because she seemed to be into him in the scene.
Howard said that he went to see this Adam Carolla movie ''The Hammer'' and they really liked it. Robin was into it as well. He said that he thought they were just going to see a screening of the movie but it turned out to be a whole red carpet thing. He said after that he took Robin and Ralph out to dinner. Ralph was Robin's date because Robin is no longer with Mr. X. They went to The Waverly and ran into Michael J. Fox. He said he just said hello and didn't get a chance to talk to him all that much. He was there with his wife. Artie said it was nice that the guy is actually able to get out. Robin said he's not Steven Hawking, he can still get around. That led to Howard talking about how Hawking was all over the news when he went out and floated around in this zero gravity thing. They talked about that for a short time and he said he feels bad for that guy.
Howard got back to Artie's hard-on and asked him if he brought the bandage with him or if he had to ask for it. Artie said he brought it with him. He said he once had a raging hard-on on MAD TV and it was very embarrassing for him so that's why he wanted to keep it covered up. He said that he's able to put the bandage around his waist to keep it down. Howard didn't get how he was able to put it on and keep it there. Artie said it just works and it's an added obstacle for his cock.
Howard asked Artie how he thought of using that ace bandage on his cock. He said he just dreamt it up all by himself. Howard said it would be funny if his cock ripped through the bandage. Artie said that would have been pretty amazing. He would have liked that to have happened. Howard said they would have had to have called his cock the Incredible Hulk. Robin told him they'd have to call him Dick Banner.
Eric asked Artie which of these three losers will be fired next and rattled off a couple of sports guys and Artie for his next acting job. Artie said it would probably be him in his next acting job. The guys asked Eric why he brought up sports when they were busy talking about porn. That led to Howard asking him if he got his porn delivery yet. Eric said he did get it and he threw out the gay porn movie they sent. He said he checked out one of the movies which featured Brandy Taylor. He said that movie was ''Gigantic Titties 2.'' He claimed he didn't jerk off but Fred did his impression of him and said that he humped his bed ten times.
Howard said Eric has a problem, he can't jerk off to his computer because his roommate could see him. He said that Eric watches porn and stores it up in his head. Eric said that he's actually got the computer in his room and it's near his door which may not have a lock on it. He said his roommate sometimes just comes into the room without knocking. Howard told him to just tell him not to do that.
Howard asked Eric if he ever thinks that the garbage man is going to find the gay porn and think he's gay. Eric said he's not worried about that because the porn ends up in a dumpster that's not just his. Howard said that someone could trace it back to him with his fingerprints. Eric said his roommate opened the box and threw it out so his fingerprints would be on it instead. He said the guy took it out during the night to throw it out so no one would see him. Artie jokingly said that gay porn gets all over the place like dog shit does. He said he would drive like 8 miles away to get rid of something like that just to make sure it's not traced back to him. He and Howard were talking about how he could have taken it out and disposed of it by dumping it in the water with chains and weights tied to it.
Howard asked Eric more about the gay porn and how long it was actually in the house. Eric said that it was in there maybe an hour. Artie said that's about 59 minutes and 59 seconds longer than it would have been in his house. Eric said it just sat in a box the whole time it was in the apartment. His roommate told him he'd throw it out when it got dark out. He then told Howard that he's pretty sure that he took the label off the box that he threw out. He wasn't positive about that so Howard told him he could still be linked to that gay porn.
Howard asked Eric if he saw the box with the gay porn in it. Eric said he saw a little bit of it but not a lot. Howard said he had to have checked out the whole box and saw the cock on the back of the box. Eric claimed he didn't but Howard thinks he had to have been a little interested in seeing it. Eric said he just saw the name of the actors and that was it. Howard said he could see Eric's gay porn box with his last name laying in the garbage and the garbage men talking about him.
Artie said that Eric always wanted his name changed so now that wish has come true and it's Eric the Gay Midget because of this gay porn thing. Howard asked Eric more about the porn he watched, ''Gigantic Titties 2'' and how much of it he got to watch. Eric said he watched the whole thing but didn't beat off to it. Eric interrupted and said that his roommate told him that he ripped up the shipping label for the gay porn so no one would know where it went. Fred said that never happened and the guy probably just threw it out in the garbage and the garbage men are going to find it. Eric said that Fred doesn't know what he's talking about.
Howard said it would be great if the garbage man found the gay porn and came up to his apartment and told him he had seen that one as well. He asked Eric what he liked about that ''Gigantic Titties'' movie he watched. Eric said he liked when a guy was tittie fucking her. He said he doesn't concentrate on the guy's cock though. Artie said Eric was protesting too much now and had to have been watching that part. Howard asked Eric how he watched the whole porn and didn't even beat off. Eric said he held off until later and just let the boner go away after watching the movie.
Howard figured that Eric held off until later before he beat off in his PJ pants. Eric said that's what he did. They talked about how Eric blows his load in his underwear and doesn't change out of them. Eric said it didn't take him long to get off after seeing that porn movie. Howard said they should have a TV built into Eric's headboard so he can watch porn while fucking his bed. He asked Eric if he's ever been able to beat off while watching a porn. Eric said he has but he can't do it every time. Artie told him they have to send Eric to the W hotel and let him do it there because they have the nicest beds there. Howard said that's the gross thing about going to a hotel. The beds are just jizz sponges according to Artie.
Howard asked Eric if they sent him a Brandy blow up doll, if he would fuck it. Eric wasn't sure he'd do that. Howard said that they probably have one of those vagina molds or something. Howard said he'd send a blow up doll to Eric if he wanted one. Eric said he'd have to get back to him about that and didn't agree to take one. Richard Christy came in and said that they have a dream date pool float that's supposed to float in the pool. He said it's not Brandy Taylor, but it might be something he'd like. Howard said he could use it in his bed even though it was meant for a pool. Howard asked Eric if he wanted it. Eric passed on it but Richard tried talking him into taking it. Eric didn't want it but Richard said he'd mail it to him anyway. Her name was Monica Sweetheart and it has a vagina in it.
Howard read the label on the inflatable doll that they were talking about and they have a big arrow pointing to the vagina hole in it. He said they're going to send it to him. Richard said he could send Eric one of Monica's movies too so he could get into that. Howard told him she's hot and it's better than a regular blow up doll. Robin wondered who was going to blow up the doll. Howard said the roommate could do it for him. He said no one is going to want to clean it up so they'd probably have to throw it out after one use. He said that would be a mission impossible trying to get rid of that thing and not have Eric linked to it.
Howard told Richard to mail it to Eric even though Eric said ''no thank you'' to him. Howard had some fun goofing on Eric about the doll thing and had everyone in the studio laughing. A phone caller said it would be funny if Eric kept throwing the doll in the garbage and it just kept coming back to him. Howard said that would be a great Twilight Zone episode, kind of like the episode where the Tina doll kept haunting this guy. Howard told Richard to stick a gay porn movie in the box with the doll. Eric told Howard that he could still hear him. Howard told him to cover up his ears because they had to make a plan. Eric gave them a ''No...''
A phone caller said that he's getting so bored by Eric in the mornings that he wants to suffocate himself with a Wal-Mart bag. Another guy asked Howard to get Eric's roommate on the phone to ask him about that. Howard asked Eric about the roommate but Eric hung up. Howard said there may have been a problem with the phone. He said he anted to talk to this guy Jaan.
Howard heard that High Pitch Eric was in The Sopranos last night. Richard said it was just Eric's big head that you see quickly. Artie didn't see him but he didn't know that he was in that episode. Gary said that he saw the scene and you have to freeze frame it just to see his head for a split second.
Howard had Eric back on the phone so he asked him what happened with the phone call. Eric said he calls on a cell and he lost the signal. Howard asked Eric if he wanted him to talk to his roommate about the walking in on him thing. Eric said he was sleeping and didn't want to interrupt him. Howard asked if he could watch the porn right then. Eric said that they're put away right now and he doesn't have access to them because they're in his roommate's room. They talked about that with Eric for a short time and wondered why Eric doesn't keep that stuff in his own room. Eric has to ask the guy for the porn when he wants to watch it. Howard said he couldn't believe that and it made no sense to him. He told Eric to wake his roommate up and get him on the phone. Eric said he's sleeping and he's not sure when he'll be up. Howard told him to just call in and let him know so he can talk to him. He let Eric go a short time later. Howard said that his roommate is probably tired from the 3 mile walk he had to make to get rid of the gay porn. He told Eric he was going to send him more porn with that blow up doll.
Howard said that Gary's new house is very nice. He said that he won this charity auction thing where they have this chef come over to cook. He talked about Gary's old radios that are all over the house and how he kind of over did that. He had a really nice desk there at the house so he asked him how much that cost him. Gary said it was about two grand. He also talked about how Gary has wires all over his office and he tripped over one of them when he came to say hello to Beth.
Howard said they had some fun there at Gary's house. He said the food was kind of slow coming out. He also said that they had an orchestra outside but it was cold out and Howard was closing the door on them because the cold was coming in. Artie said the house really is nice and he's got a porch on the place which was very nice. Howard asked him if he's going to put some trees in because his neighbors were waving to him as they were driving by. Gary said that he's having the landscaper come by today with some stuff. He said he's ready for the ass fucking on that whole thing.
Howard said he was playing some soldier game with Gary's kids and he wanted them to be the insurgents in Iraq but they didn't want to do it. He also said that Tom Chiusano was there and he's gotten braces and can barely speak with them in. Robin said that she saw them when she saw him and his lips were all beaten up from the braces. He said that if the guy got them at 30 he'd understand it, but he's 62 years old! He said he's got to keep them on for a year and he's not sure why he's doing something like that at his age. Gary asked Howard if he ever looked at Tom and thought about his teeth. Howard said he never did and now Tom has to cover up his teeth when he starts to laugh and stuff.
Howard said that Fred was there at Gary's house with his new hair cut. Artie showed up without his date. He said that he decided not to because it would have been a little weird. He said he was going to bring this chick that he met but things didn't work out so she didn't come. They spent a little more time on that until Howard realized it had been almost an hour and a half since they started the show with no breaks. He had Fred go right into commercial.
That led to Howard talking about creepy Michael Jackson and the time he had to have his genitals photographed after he was accused of molesting a kid. Howard was doing an impression of Michael talking about that incident and how bothered he was when he had to pull his pants down to have his picture taken.
Fred tried to find the clip that Howard was doing an impression of but he said he'd e-mail the guys to see if they could find it for him. Howard said that they should have Chris Cornell do some other songs to make them less gay. He played Mark Harris' ''I'm a Gay Papa'' song and said that maybe Chris couldn't make that one less gay. He said he wished they were friends with Chris Cornell so they could ask him to do that. He continued to play the awful song and said that he's really surprised it wasn't a hit.
Robin said there's no way to make that song not gay. Mark is singing about being a gay father so there really isn't a way to make it less gay. Robin asked how they could butch that up. Howard thinks that Chris Cornell could do it and did a little impression of him doing the grunge thing with the song. He seems to think that it might work if Chris got a hold of it.
Artie said that he left at 6:30 and it took him a little longer than he thought it was. He also said that when he got there he got a tour of Gary's house because he wanted to see it before they ate. Howard said he didn't eat much before dinner and just wanted to eat. He said the first three courses were fish and the final one was meat but he doesn't eat meat so he ended up leaving. It was 9:30 by that time so he just got up and left because he was so tired. He also said that he was seated next to Tom Chiusano so that was putting him to sleep.
Artie said that Howard was there with friends and he should have just hung out. Howard said he was just too tired and he's not sure how those guys can stay up so late. He said Robin wasn't even able to get herself to Gary's house. Artie said that he missed out on the great deserts that Mary made but Howard said she actually packed them up and he was eating them in his car on the way home. Artie thought that was pretty funny. He said he got there on time unlike some others there. He told Robin she would have left early as well if she had shown up.
Gary said there was a point when it got oddly uncomfortable. He said Howard got up while they were putting down the final course. He said Howard was calling out Beth's name trying to get her out there so they could leave. Howard said torture would have been easier than that thing. Artie said the rest of them just hung out talking until after midnight, it was supposed to be a party. Howard said he ran four and a half miles that afternoon and had a bunch of other things going on that day. He said he was very tired that night.
Artie told Howard he was wrong for leaving when he did. Howard said he didn't do anything wrong and he was very tired. He complained about the meal and how slow it was to come out there. Artie admitted he was wrong for showing up late but he also thinks that Howard was wrong for leaving early in the middle of a meal. Robin said she didn't show up because she didn't want to ruin the night for anyone else.
Howard claimed he was there for over 3 and a half hours but Gary said he wasn't there for more than 3 hours. Robin said that they really should get stuff done in less time than that. Howard said that Beth also fell asleep in the car and she was happy that they left when they did. He said she told him that she was tired as well. She thought the serving of the meal was very slow. Artie said he had to wait for Mary's desert at least because she made it herself. Robin started going off on Howard about leaving early so Howard went off on her because she didn't show up just because she had a tickle in her throat.
Howard said that his parents never stayed at parties more than an hour. He said he learned from them and he thinks that Artie and the rest of the guys staying so late was rude. Artie said they were having a great time talking though. Gary said that Fred and his wife didn't leave until 10:40. Howard wondered how Ronnie ended up getting invited to that dinner. Gary said he's part of the mix there. Howard thought he should have invited someone like Doug Goodstein to the dinner but Gary said he hangs out with Ronnie and he's closer to him than some of the other guys.
Robin blamed not showing up because she knew that Howard would have gotten sick from her if she had shown up. She was putting all of the blame on him. Howard said his day has to come to an end at some point and he just couldn't stay there any longer. Gary said that they were done with dinner by 10 so he could have stayed another 20 minutes. Howard said they weren't done and they still had desert going. Howard said he was really tired too so he had to get out of there.
Howard said that people are shitheads. If you say to people that you're starting your party at 7 o'clock, they should be there at 7. He said it doesn't mean 7:30 or 8 o'clock. Artie said he knows that it was wrong of him to show up so late. Fred said that if the party had been one hour earlier, it would have been perfect. Artie thought it was actually perfect the way it was. It was a great Saturday night party for him. Howard said that's the heroin addict in him talking. Howard complained about the way the chef was presenting the stuff to them before serving it when he just wanted to eat. Gary said the guy is a master chef and there really aren't that many of them in the world. This guy, Jean Louis, was very good. Howard said he didn't have a complaint about the food, it was very good, it was just slow coming out.
Howard kept goofing on Robin for not coming to the party because of the tickle in her throat. She was picking on him about things he did so he turned it around on her. Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Richard and Sal should be pissed because Robin's seat could have been theirs.
Artie said that Howard really interrupted the party because Mary had to say goodbye to Howard and Beth and Ronnie had to make a call to the driver to get him to pick them up. Howard didn't seem to care. Gary said it was kind of funny when Howard was standing in the foyer yelling for Beth. Howard said he didn't know that the house was echoing so much. Artie said he was about a foot from them screaming! Howard told Gary that maybe he should get some more furniture in the house to cut down on the echo. He said he actually had a great time that evening.
Howard said that Cousin Brucie has been off SIRIUS for a month and he's got some cryptic message on his web site about how he's away for a while but when he returns, he won't be going away for a long time. Howard said he has no idea what that guy is talking about. That got Howard doing his Cousin Brucie impression and talking about how the station he used to be on, WCBS, used to be a huge money maker. He said if he were CBS, he'd turn the old K-Rock station into an oldies station like WCBS used to be.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he had a party about 13 years ago and Robin got sick that time as well. She's been pulling that stuff for more than 13 years now. Howard said he could sense Robin getting sick for Gary's barbecue party too.
Robin said that she didn't tell the interviewer anything else other than that. She said the show would be an every day show though. She thinks the show would be a midday show but she's not sure exactly what would be happening with it at this point. Artie told her if she keeps up that stuff, she'll be leaving parties early.
Lisa said that they got some diet food there last week that looked kind of disgusting to her. That led to Howard talking more about leaving Gary's party early again. He still thinks it was fine that he left early because he doesn't eat dinner at 10:30 at night. Lisa said they'll have a story about Bubba's wrestling match from last week. Howard said he'd love to see Bubba wrestle, that must be funny as hell. He let Lisa go after that.
Howard said that this Jason Sirotin working for Howard TV. He made the movie ''No Signal'' for the film festival last year. He's been going around asking guys if they would fuck his mother. Gary said the guy is asking them because he's trying to get his mother laid. Howard said the guy, Jason, was going to come in but Mike Gange came in instead. Mike said that he's a weird dude, he keeps a diary of things that are in the news. He keeps track of news stories and it's almost like serial killer behavior.
Gary said that Jason was producing the Sybian documentary and told him that he and his wife were learning to use the thing after they got one for their home. He said that was kind of weird. Jason came in a short time later and said that his dad died about 2 years ago from a drug overdose. He was doing about 160 Aderol pills and sniffing them. He was doing his own version of a speedball doing that and taking some other drug. He said his dad had gone to jail for selling and receiving stolen property. He also said that one time he brought two guns with him to a party he went to.
Jason said his parents did some swinging with couples and stuff but never really talked about it. He said his mother is 53 years old and looks pretty good. She's actually on Match.com trying to find a man. Jason said he's asked a couple of the guys there if they'd like to do her. One of the other Howard TV producers, Lee Gerowitz, was asked. Jason said that he thought Lee would be a good one because he's a dirt ball kind of like his dad. Lee came in and said that he would do her. He said he saw her picture on Match.com and thought she was good looking. Lee said it'd love it if Jason called him Dad one day.
Howard said they should call Nick Manning the ''Dropping Loads'' guy and have her bang her. Jason said that would be great. They played some Nick Manning audio clips and asked Jason to imagine what that would be like if it was his mom. Jason said he thinks it would be awesome.
Jason said that when he was in high school he had a girlfriend who would come over every morning and fuck him before school. She was really loud in bed and his parents hated her so they told him he couldn't have sex in the house anymore. They went out the barn to do it instead. Gary said he heard that Jason's dad stole his identity before he died. He left him hanging and Jason had to file for bankruptcy because of it. Jason doesn't think his father knew what he was doing because of the drugs he was using. He said that his parents came home one day after having to change a tire on the way home and once he got home he passed out and died. He was only 51 at the time.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that this is just the tip of the iceberg with this guy. He said he dresses up as a transvestite for an acting gig he does. He said that he thinks he does that in his daily life. Jason said he just does it as a character. Gary told Howard there was some audio of him doing his girl voice so Howard played that. He sounded like a man doing a girls voice and not all that much like a chick.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd like to bang Jason's mom. Howard said he'll have to get in line because there are a lot of other guys ahead of him. Howard spent a minute talking about that and playing some music that Jason had created.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that the guy who shot up the people at VA Tech kept a scrapbook just like Jason is. The guys from Howard TV brought the book in so Howard could check it out. Jason said he keeps track of a lot of stuff in the book. Howard looked through it and said it looked boring to him. Jason said that he has a lot of pictures of Artie in there so Artie got a little worried when he heard that. Jason said no one has any reason to be afraid, he's not a whacko.
Howard asked Jason about how the conversation with Lee came up. Lee said he was just talking to Jason and it came up during their discussion. While they were talking about that someone noticed that Jason had pictures of the VA Tech shooter in the scrap book. He said that it was just a news story that he had put in there. He said he tapes all of the stuff in there and then laminates it. He said he uses the books to keep track of stuff like other people use their Palm Pilots and stuff like that.
Jason said he's got a wife and she's in that book as well. Howard said she looked cute. That led to them talking about the Sybian thing for a short time. Jason said that his wife has used it but not with the attachments you have to insert. He said she just sits on that nub that they use on the show when they have the girls riding the Sybian. Howard wrapped up with Jason and let him go. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said his hair dresser, Toni, was telling him that she read an article in Time magazine and it was about ugly men who date good looking women. She said she thinks that he's a good looking guy and it wasn't really meant as an insult bit Howard said he got kind of bummed out. He said it was kind of awkward too. He told Robin about the article and how he wasn't in there, but it seemed like Toni was kind of putting him there. He said they had pictures of odd couples like Donald Trump and Melania and a bunch of others. He said he loves Toni but he thinks that she thinks he's an ugly guy. He considers her a friend and he's not sure what's up with that.
Howard said he called his mother yesterday and she pointed out that there was a picture of Beth in New York magazine. She was telling him how gorgeous she looks in the picture so he wasn't sure what to say to her. He just said ''thanks.''
Artie talked about his scene in Entourage and how the whole premise of his character is that he's an ugly dude with a hot chick. He was talking about that and Howard brought up how he and Artie never really hook up and talk much off the air. He said even at Gary's party they weren't talking that much. He said he's pretty much a one person guy and spent most of his time talking to Beth at the party. He said he knows he's screwed up, that's why he's in therapy 3 days a week. The therapist won't let him go any less than 3 days a week at this point. He said he tried to get 2 days a week but the shrink won't let him go that low. He said he's been in therapy for about 10 years now and he's kind of sick of talking.
Howard said his youngest daughter is into Spider-Man and they watch the first two movies whenever they hang out. He said he loves that his daughter is into that stuff. He's going to get her the first Superman movie too.
Howard doesn't think that Benjy can win it, it seems like he's given up at this point. Benjy said that's not the case and he will come back with a huge win. He weighed in at 230 pounds today. That was a six pound loss. Up next was Jason who has lost a ton of weight so far. He hopped on the scale and came in at 223 pounds which was a 7 pound loss from last week. Howard told Benjy he blew it and couldn't believe that was the case.
Scott the Engineer was up next and came in at 222 pounds. The guys talked about how Benjy really fucked up that week he came in 10 pounds heavier. Benjy said that this is like the tortoise and the hare story and he will come in and win it at the end.
Howard anted to know if Artie was up to 300 pounds yet. He wasn't sure so he got up and hopped on the scale even though he's not in this contest anymore. He said he was 296 last time. He was up to 299 pounds today! Howard said he was just one pound short of the 300 pounds. Mike Gange told him he'd be up to 300 by the end of the show. Artie said he's going to start his regimen today and start losing the weight now. Artie claimed that his pants are very heavy.
Howard had a bandage and asked Artie if that's what he used. Artie said that wasn't quite what he used but it was close. Howard tried wrapping himself up like Artie did to keep his cock down and Robin wondered how he kept his underwear on doing that. Artie said he had the bandage on himself for about an hour and didn't have to pee the whole time he had it on. Robin said that Artie must have had that over his underwear. He said he had it over his jockey shorts and then put on the boxers over that. Here's a synopsis of all of the weights so far:
Mike Gange said that Kenneth peed his pants at the appearance. Howard figures he must be desperate for attention. Gary said Ken has been calling the show a lot lately and every time he calls he calls like it's the first time he's calling.
Mike Gange told Howard that Jason Sirotin was running around in drag so he wondered if he wanted to see him in that. Howard checked him out for a few seconds but kicked him out a short time later. He took a call from a guy who said that guy Jason is scary. He also asked Howard about the dinner he had at Gary's house and what it was like talking to Tom Chiusano. Howard said he still hangs out with Tom and he really likes the guy. He said he's one of the nicest men he's ever met in his life. He said they did talk about radio a little bit but Tom wouldn't want him talking about what he said so he's going to keep it quiet. He said he liked Tom so much that he wished he could have come with them there. He said things just don't work the same there though so they couldn't bring him along. The caller asked if there would be a spot there for Tom if the merger goes through. Howard said that won't happen because they don't have a general manager there on SIRIUS.
The caller asked Howard if he and Tom tip toe around certain subjects. Howard said he does kind of do that because he doesn't want to make him uncomfortable by telling him how great things are on satellite and how terrestrial radio sucks or anything like that. He went on to say that the way terrestrial radio is protesting the merger of the satellite radio companies shows that they are competition. They claim that they're not competing with each other but it's obvious that they are. They spent a short time talking about that before Robin changed the subject.
Robin said that Howard really has to get solar because it actually sends power back to the utility company when it's not powering your house. He said he has no clue how any of that stuff works. He said he'd be in trouble if he was left on his own to fend for himself. Artie said he's the same way and is really clueless. He said that he's glad that here are some geniuses out there that can do all of that stuff.
Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show rundown. He said that they'll talk about Robin not showing up to Gary's party. They'll also talk about Artie's use of an Ace bandage to keep his boner down. They'll also talk about his weight and how close he's gotten to 300 pounds. Jason Sirotin asking people to bang his mom will also be one subject they'll discuss.
Howard was going to have Robin start her news but Fred had gotten that audio clip of Michael Jackson talking about what happened to him when he was accused of molesting a child and got humiliated when he had to pull his pants down and show his penis. He played through that speech and goofed on the guy a little bit. The guys talked about some of the problems Michael had in the past and how much trouble he could have gotten into.
Howard read some e-mail after that. One guy wrote in about American Idol and how it had jumped the shark like Howard said last week. Howard said that John Bon Jovi is supposed to be on the show this week. He said he didn't think that was a big deal but some guys think that it's really lame that John will be on the show.
Howard played some audio of a comedian goofing on Michael Jackson and goofing on his ''vitiligo'' bullshit story. He played a couple of Earthquake's comedy bits as well. He played a couple that they've played on the show before and got a few laughs from them. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin brought up the Alec Baldwin voice mail story and talked about how he had gone to Dr. Phil to get some help. Howard said that's the last place you should go for help when you're in Alec's position.
Howard interrupted Robin's news to have this guy John come in to get a tour of the studio. The guy is heading off to Afghanistan soon and got a tour of the studio. Howard told him to go find that Osama bin Laden guy when he's there. John said that he's not sure what he's going to be doing until he gets there. Howard said they fucked everything up when they split up the troops and sent them to Iraq as well. Howard told John that he's a brave man and wished him luck over there. He said he should be there for 9 months, hopefully not longer. Howard asked him if he can get laid over there. He said he can't say.
John told Howard that he wanted to say something about a trooper who was killed up in Orange County, New York so Howard let him do that. He said there was no way to joke about that though. John said he was hoping that he wouldn't. Howard told John that he's not half as brave as him and wished him luck again as he was saying goodbye to him.
Howard read a story about Rush Limbaugh buying a $4,000 bottle of wine at a dinner he was at recently. He said that even if you have the money for something like that, who actually does that? They spent a little time talking about that and moved on to many other stories after that.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show by taking a phone call. The caller said that he didn't do anything wrong the other night when he left Gary's party early over the weekend. Howard said the only reason anyone is making a fuss is because it all centers around him. He said he was there long enough but Robin told him that he didn't just walk out, he walked out in the middle of a dinner. Howard said he didn't have to sit there and be tortured if he didn't want to. He was there for over 2 and a half hours and that was more than enough time. He said Robin didn't even show up to the party. She said she still has a tickle in her throat and feels that she could still be coming down with something.
Fred said he thought it was a big mistake on Howard's part but he also thought the party started a little late. Howard said that Fred is the one who doesn't even show up to things. He also pointed out that Fred was the one who got into a fight with his wife at the Rainbow Room and walked out on her. Fred said he's not saying that was right. He still thinks that Howard made a mistake by leaving early but Howard said he doesn't think that's the case.
The phone caller said that Howard probably left because of excessive boredom. Howard said he was just very tired and could barely keep his eyes open. He also said he was feeling a tickle in the back of his throat like Robin was claiming as the reason for her not showing up.
Gary said that Benjy was missing again. Howard said they may have to fire him if that's the case. Gary also pointed out that Howard has attacked everyone in the room who has pointed out he did something wrong. Howard said Fred did the same type of thing to Jackie when he walked out of the Rainbow room. Robin said that the thing that Howard did that went over the edge for her was when he yelled for Beth through the house.
Howard had some clips from yesterday's The Wrap Up Show. In one clip Artie was talking about what he thought about Howard leaving the party early. He said that Howard leaving did affect the mood of the party and he really shouldn't have gotten up and left. He also said he should have apologized. Howard claimed he did say he left because he was tired. He wasn't apologizing for doing it though. Robin said that they wanted him there otherwise they wouldn't have sent him an invitation.
Howard said he was being tortured by the slow service and he had to get out of there. Robin tried to go off on him but he kept pointing out that she failed to show up to the party so she shouldn't talk. Howard said that he liked the food and loves this chef Jean Louis. He asked Gary what time Robin called to let him know that she wasn't coming. He said that it was around 4 o'clock so Howard went off on her again trying to deflect some of the bashing. Robin also pointed out that Howard had closed the door on the orchestra that was playing in Gary's back yard. Howard said he asked Gary if he could do it because he was freezing in the house.
Howard played another clip from The Wrap Up Show where Ralph was asking about what went on and telling Gary that he should be more upset about the whole thing. Howard cut that off and talked more about how he's been really tired lately and has been sleeping extra long this week. He usually gets up at 4 in the morning but he's been getting up at 5 this week. He played more of Ralph's comments and Ralph was getting really angry at Howard and Beth for leaving. That led to Howard saying that Ralph is off his list this year and he's on his shit list now. He said he's got balls to go off on him like he was on that show.
Tim Sabean was on The Wrap Up Show talking about Howard leaving early but he wouldn't say if he was upset that Howard left early. Howard said that Artie was late to the party and that was rude too but no one was complaining about that. Howard said that was incredibly rude. He said that Artie showing up late delayed the dinner for a half hour, not 15 minutes that Artie was claiming. Howard said Artie got a tour of the house before they moved on with the dinner and that was just wrong. He said Artie is out of control so Artie shot back and said that Howard and Robin are the ones who are out of control.
Howard thinks that Artie didn't leave his house until 7 and that's when the party started. Artie said he left at 6:30 and he expected to be there by 7:15 or so. He didn't get there until almost 8. Howard said Artie has some balls picking on him when he showed up so late. He said he loves Artie but he has to point out what he did wrong since he was going off on him.
Howard asked Artie if he used his GPS in his car to get there to Gary's party. Artie said he does have it but didn't need it. He did get lost on his way there so he kind of did need it. Gary came in and told Howard that Artie called at about 7:40 and said he was going to be late. He told him not to hold off on dinner but Gary decided to hold off for a short time. Howard said he was ready to eat at 8 when they were supposed to eat but Artie delayed it. Artie told Howard he was out of his mind going off on him for that.
Robin told Howard that he was extremely rude to Gary's wife Mary because she made desert and he should have stayed there to have some. Howard said there was no hope in sight that the desert was going to come out until 10 o'clock. Howard went off on Artie about his showing up late so Artie got all pissed and talked about how Howard disrupted that dinner so much. Artie said that Howard was a dick head and left the party early.
Robin kept picking on Howard and he kept pointing out that she wasn't even there because of that tickle in her throat. At least he showed up. Robin said that Mary had to destroy her cake to send some home with Howard and Beth. Her presentation was ruined because of that. Howard said no one was upset about that. Robin said Mary talked about the thick skin she had gotten over the years when she called The Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said she has the thick skin because she has to fuck Baba Booey, not because of him.
Howard played another clip from The Wrap Up Show where a caller explained how important that guy Jean Louis is as a Master Chef. He played another one where the guys talked about Robin not showing up and why that might have happened. Robin was still sticking to her story about the tickle in her throat. She was afraid that she might endanger the health of others on the show so she didn't show up.
Howard said Benjy found a clip on the web where they talk about how to leave a party early. In the clip the announcer explains the best way to leave a party graciously. He says you should let your hosts know early so they know you're leaving. He says that you should aim to make your exit as quiet as possible. Howard said that's not easy when you're the light of the party.
Howard took a call and said that Robin has balls going off on Howard after not showing up. He also said that Artie probably showed up with his tan cargo pants, and he was right. He also pointed out that Fred blew off Jackie for a lunch by saying it was ''too blustery'' outside to go out. Fred went off on the guy and said it wasn't the same thing. Artie asked the caller what it was like up Howard's ass since he was on his side in that. Howard said that's another new thing on The Wrap Up Show, anyone who is on his side is up his ass.
Another phone call said that Howard doesn't care about what he does to other people and the way he treats them. Howard said that's not true. He said it threw the whole evening off for him because dinner was so late. He said he was very tired and couldn't keep his eyes open. He felt like he was going to pass out. He said that he was going to try and sneak out but then Mary said she was going to get up and get desert for him. He was staring to blame her for making a big deal out of him leaving. Gary said that's not why everyone noticed he was leaving. Howard said he didn't ask Mary to leave the party to get him desert.
Howard told Gary not to invite him to his fuckin' house anymore. He said he had a good time there but all of this bullshit is getting to him. He was kind of laughing after saying that though. Robin was still going off on him and having no problem talking so Howard asked her how she was feeling. She had no issue with her voice today.
Howard told the guys if they want to call Beth and ask her if she was telling the truth that she wanted to leave, they could do that. She's out in Pittsburgh visiting her parents though. He said she may or may not pick up her cell. Some of the guys thought that Howard was dragging her out of the party and she didn't really want to leave. He claims that she did want to leave and thanked him for getting her out of there. Gary tried calling Beth but her cell went right to voice mail.
Howard talked about closing the door at the party because he was cold and how people thanked him for doing that because it was so cold in the house. They left the windows open so the orchestra could still be heard.
The guys said that Sour Shoes is a genius and Howard added that he's a genius that lives in his parents basement. He said if he had a TV show like Letterman does, he'd make Sour Shoes his orchestra leader. He'd be like his Paul Shaffer. Sour Shoes continued to play as Howard was talking about him. Sour Shoes went into a bunch of different songs and did some radio announcing as well. Artie said when he pictures that guy's father getting ready for work in the next room, it makes him laugh. Howard said he'd go to see that guy in concert if he put on a show. He'd like to hear some of the songs longer than he plays them sometimes.
Sour Shoes went into his Scott Ferrall impression which is amazing. He had all kinds of information that he was spewing out. He did that for a few seconds and then broke back into song. He was alternating between his Scott impression and singing some songs. He then asked Howard to talk up a song as Cousin Brucie. Howard broke into his Brucie impression and talked up a Bee Gees song. Sour Shoes went right into the song and went back and forth with his Scott Ferrall and Bee Gees impression.
Sour Shoes even broke into a Vinnie Favale impression for a few seconds. Howard said it didn't sound anything like Vinnie though. Howard went into his Cousin Brucie impression again and had Sour Shoes perform another song for them. Howard had to bail out on him after that.
Howard went back into his Cousin Brucie impression and talked up some of those songs that Sour Shoes had just performed. Artie said that yesterday's show opening had the ''Boy with Horse Teeth'' song that was so great.
Howard said he was in a couch at this Sony studio watching the movie and it was just great. He said the movie from start to finish was fantastic. They had some great villains in the movie and he loved the fact that they had a story there. He said that Tobey Maguire is great as Spider-Man and he can make you feel for him. He's not sure how they do the special effects but they are just amazing. He said the Sand Man was amazing and he loved everything in the movie. He was exhausted after the movie though.
Howard said the movie was so perfectly done that he didn't want it to end. He said he hopes that they do a fourth one. He thinks that the third one is the best of the three Spider-Man movies. Robin said she's not sure it's better than the first one but she liked it. She was afraid that there were too many villains in the movie but that's not what happened. Howard said it was perfect and gave it 7 stars out of 4. He said it was a great film and he recommends it to his fans.
Howard said the movie was written by Sam Raimi and it was very well done. Robin said there were some story lines that could have been tightened up a little bit. Other than that she loved the movie. Howard said the movie is a phenomenon. He said he couldn't believe how good the movie was. He thinks that they could make another one and he hopes that they will. He thinks that this movie will make more money than even Titanic. He said there could be some people who are tired of Spider-Man but he's sure not. He loves that stuff. Howard told Artie he should go see the movie because it was phenomenal.
Howard heard that Jon Hein didn't like the movie so he thought he was out of his mind. Jon came in and said he didn't like the Kirsten Dunst singing in the movie. Howard said it really wasn't that bad, it was a perfect blend of things and a perfect movie to him. Robin said she agreed with Jon on that and thought it was a little too much.
Jon said he thinks the movie is worth seeing but it's not as good as the first one. Howard said he was going to give it 50 stars out of four. Robin gave it a 3.5 out of four. She said that she's never seen anyone carry off a super hero character better than Tobey Maguire. Howard said Tobey will actually be there tomorrow. He said he's definitely going to buy the DVD when it comes out.
Howard mentioned that Big Foot Mark was going to be there today. He also has a magician coming in to pull a card out of a woman's vagina. He said that will be a first. He went to break a short time later.
Howard then went into a new prank call the guys made using clips of Gary yelling at someone. The guy they called had no idea who was calling him or why he was getting yelled at. Gary had a lot of ''fuck yous'' and things like that in there. They also had Gary laughing and telling the guy he was joking around. Then Gary sang a little.
Howard said Richard and Sal had taken clips of Gary yelling at various people over the years. Artie said he recognized Gary yelling at Ralph and maybe Elliot Offen among others. Howard said he had another prank call to play that he's played before. He played the call where Richard calls a woman and asks her about some stuff she's selling. She tells him that most of the stuff he's looking for is already gone. She keeps telling Richard that the stuff is gone but he keeps asking about them. He then starts saying stuff that has nothing to do with their conversation and then asks about the stuff the woman has already sold. She eventually hangs up on Richard but he calls her back and asks about this wheelbarrow that she had already sold. This time she just hangs up on him.
Howard had Kenneth on the phone so he asked him how many DUIs he had. Ken said he's had about 8. Howard talked about some of the wacky things that have happened to Ken over the years and how he had some college guys mess with him after hiring him to do some stuff for them. Howard said Ken is so desperate to be on the show now that he just peed his pants the other day when he was hanging out at this free preview thing for Howard TV. He said that's still going on and you can find out more at HowardStern.com/Free.
Howard said that Ken wants to be famous so bad that he'll do just about anything. Kenneth said he's still doing stand-up comedy once in a while. Howard let him go but Kenneth seemed surprised about that.
Howard spoke to one caller who said that Artie was probably late to Gary's party because the Yankees were playing the Red Sox. Howard said that was probably it but Artie said he was listening in his car. Artie said that Howard probably left early because there was a Dancing with the Stars show on at 10:30. Howard said he's stopped watching that show completely.
The caller told Howard that he liked that Miserable Men was back with Rev. Bob Levy, Jim Florentine and Shuli on Monday nights. Howard said that Bob wrote another song about Robin and he's not sure why he keeps making them. He played the song that was to the tune of Bryan Adams ''Run to You'' but his was ''Come In You.'' Howard picked apart the song and asked Robin if she would ever do Bob. Robin said that's ridiculous.
Howard told Robin that Al Rosenberg sent him a letter asking if he thinks that Robin would date him. Robin said he looks great after losing 70 pounds. Howard said he just deleted the e-mail he got from Al. Robin said she loves Al but he's always been a married man with children to her. Howard said that he's probably very affectionate. He's not really a Jew either because he was adopted. Robin said she wasn't saying no to him but she wasn't sure. She said he looked healthier and much better after losing the weight. Howard told her that he needs a picture of the two of them fuckin. He's shaved his head according to Robin and she didn't know he'd look so good with his head shaved.
Sal came in so Howard asked him about being upset that black people moved into his neighborhood. Sal said he was driving around his neighborhood and saw a black kid playing in the back yard of a house. He asked his wife what was going on and she told him that they were new neighbors. Sal said that they're good people and this could actually be good for him. He said his father once put up a for sale sign as soon as they had blacks move in next door to them. He's not going to do that. Sal said that the blacks who move into the good neighborhoods are ''the good ones'' and stuck his foot in his mouth as he does every time he starts talking about race.
Howard said Sal is probably thinking about selling his house. Sal laughed and said he's not thinking of selling at all. Howard asked him to tell the truth and say if he was thinking about it. Sal said it's sad that people think that way. He said that Howard eventually left. Howard said they stuck around for a long time. Sal said he's going to stick it out for now.
Howard said Sal is afraid to give his opinions because the black security guards there give him dirty looks. Sal said that one of his neighbors is selling his house and he claims that the value of his house hasn't really dropped. He said if that guy sells to a black family, then he's fucked. Robin wanted Sal to say what he was saying out in the office. Sal said he's just concerned.
Richard came in and said that Sal was worried and talking about what he was saying to his wife the day they drove by that house. Howard asked Sal what his house is worth. Sal said he paid about $225,000 and it should be worth just under $500,000 at this point. He said the mortgage is pretty big at this point. Howard let him go after that.
Artie wondered which Jason Howard was talking about. It was Jason Kaplan, not Jason Sirotin the cross dresser. Howard said he was talking to some people about how Sirotin was claiming that his transvestite costume is just a character he plays.
Lisa G said that Henry Hill is selling his artwork on eBay.com and it looks like a third grader did it. She said you can go to eBay.com and search for Henry Hill to see the works. Howard let Lisa go and moved on to other things.
Howard read through some of the ratings and said that everyone is basically just suckin it. They can't get ratings anywhere. He read that his old station, which changed it's call letters to WFNY, and they had a morning rating of 1.9 which was even lower than Imus' were. He said that's after a year of Opie and Anthony being on in the mornings. They didn't even show up in the afternoon ratings. He wondered why they tried to replace them by putting on a bunch of imitators all day long. He said they should have built up the station based around David Lee Roth and had the rest of the day as a music station instead. He said that they could have had David Lee Roth doing something instead of trying to be Howard Stern.
Howard said he could fix the old station for them if they threw him some money. He said he really doesn't care and he's got enough to do there working with Fred. That led to them talking about how long they've been working together. Howard figured it was somewhere around 1978 or 79 when they first met and started working.
Howard read more about the ratings on terrestrial radio and about some of the other stations in New York City that have gone up and down in the ratings. He said he had to take a break after that. They still had to get Big Foot in there. Gary came in and told Howard another thing about the old station and how they're running a promo saying that they're not upset that they're not number 1, all they care about is the music... That they don't play except on weekends. Howard said there's nothing there at this point and they're probably still paying off David Lee Roth for his whole contract.
Gary said the thing that Howard isn't talking about are all of the other markets he was on and how their ratings have dropped. Howard said the Dallas station has a 0.0 rating. Howard said that from what he's heard, the Chicago station is really down too and Steve Dahl is down in the afternoons. He jokingly said that since they left, they've turned off all of the radios in Chicago since they left. Artie mentioned one guy there in Chicago who was a big supporter of the show.
Tim Sabean came in with some ratings reports but he wanted Gary to read them. Howard told Tim to just go through them himself. He came in and read through some of the old stations Howard used to be on. He said that KLSX in Los Angeles went down a little. WFNY (the old K-Rock) went from a 1.2 to a 1.3 over all rating. WYSP is down to a 2.0 rating. They used to have a 5.6 when Howard was there. WMMR is back up to a 7.9 now that Howard is gone and they were down in the dumps when Howard was on there. He said that even the station that John Debella moved to has a 5.7 rating now. The whole industry changed after Howard left terrestrial radio. Robin said that no one gave Howard credit when he was on.
Tim said that people used to be against Howard so much that they would sell against them instead of selling against newspapers and other things that were competing for ad money. Tim said that the sales people who worked for the stations Howard was on made out very well on commissions because they knew how to sell him. Howard thanked Tim for that and then went to break.
Howard said you can e-mail Big Foot if you want to book him for anything at firstname.lastname@example.org. When he came in Howard asked him if he was smelly or something because Will was making a motion that seemed to indicate he stunk. Big Foot said that he almost got mugged this morning when he came in and gave some wacky explanation for that.
Howard asked Big Foot about that phone call he had with Richard. Big Foot then went into a discussion about how he's being ''ascriminated'' against. Howard cut him off and asked him what happened to his teeth because some of them were missing. Big Foot said he's been trying to have them pulled out because they're just about falling out of his gums. He said he doesn't brush his teeth usually so he will get dentures eventually. Robin said that was the grossest thing she's seen.
Howard asked Big Foot about this discrimination thing he's got going on. He said people won't rent to him after he tells them that he's been on Howard Stern's show. He said they raise the rent when he tells them that. Howard asked Big Foot about the music that he put out and Big Foot had a whole story about why he only made about $40 out of that deal. That led to Howard playing some of the songs that Big Foot sang along to karaoke style.
Howard read that Big Foot is claiming he's not going to file taxes next year until he finds housing up in Vermont. Big Foot said he's got to put pressure on them somehow. Robin didn't think that was a good idea. Big Foot started talking his own form of politics and how he was going to show people by not paying his taxes. Howard asked him if he's getting any pussy. Big Foot said he got laid about a month ago.
Robin asked Big Foot where he's sleeping now. He said he has a home, it is, but he can't say where it is because he might get kicked out, it is. Howard took a call from ''Vermont'' (Richard Christy) who was calling in to tell Big Foot that he can't fight him. He claimed that he was talking to his buddy New Hampshire and he doesn't want him either. Big Foot said he doesn't care about New Hampshire and doesn't want to live there either. He said he got into some trouble down there one time and doesn't need to live there.
Artie asked Big Foot about the jacket he was wearing and asked if he paid for it. Big foot said it was about $50 and he paid for it, it's not stolen. He said he's got some women that work for him and give him some money. He said he's got an escort service going and he buys stuff for these girls. His explanations of how these things work made no sense at all and he says ''it is'' in the middle of his sentences through the whole explanation. He said that he's got this girl who is a ''lesbian it is'' and she will beat him up when he doesn't do things that she wants him to do.
Howard asked big Foot what they can do for him because he seems so agitated. Big Foot said he hasn't the foggiest idea and he was hoping that Howard could help him figure it out. Howard said it seems that he can't get a job but Big Foot said that he can get a job, he's just not looking for one. Howard read that he claims that people think that he's wearing a mask when he goes out. He had an explanation for that and said that people make fun of him out on the street when he goes out.
Big Foot said that he stays up in Vermont because he knows the place so well. He can't read and he'd get lost in his back yard if he didn't know his way around. He was carrying a bunch of paperwork with him so Robin asked him what was up with that. He said he thought that someone else could read the stuff for him.
Howard asked Big Foot about his family. Big Foot said that he's the ''black sheef'' of the family and his mother is mad at him. He said that she's alive but wants nothing to do with him. He said he got a picture of her, it is, from when they met up one time. He said something about his father having a blockage in his rectum and he wasn't able to shit so that's when they all met up and had their picture taken.
Gary told Howard that they had Big Foot's mother on the phone. He said it was for real too. Howard picked up Mary and asked her why she and her son can't get along. She said they get along alright and she just saw him a few months ago. Howard asked her if she loves her son. She said she does but she has no room for him to live because they live at their other son's house. Howard asked her what she would like to see for him. Big Foot was claiming that he had blood coming out when he shits. She really didn't know anything about that. Howard asked her why he never learned to read. She wasn't sure about that.
Big Foot said he didn't know that his mother cared about him. She said she does care and she's not sure what their falling out was over. Big Foot said it was his father saying that they were never going to amount to anything. Big Foot said he did amount to something, he got on the Stern Show. He said his father would say that to his other brother Jeff who is a little off the wall at times.
Howard told Big Foot to say something loving to his mother and maybe he could earn her back. Big Foot did say Happy Mother's day to her. Robin asked him if he could take her out to dinner on her special day. Big Foot didn't know where she lived and didn't know how to get there. Mary said that she gave him her address but Big Foot said he hasn't had a chance to get back to her. He said he's been busy with the paperwork with the state.
Robin asked Mary what she thinks Big Foot's problems are. She said she really doesn't know. Artie asked her if she thinks he should be in a hospital or something. She doesn't believe that he should because he's been able to last on his own for this long. Artie said he's got medical issues and he really seems to need help and care at this point.
Howard asked Mary if she could hook up with her son. She said she can't and she has tried in the past and things just don't work out. Mary let out a sigh and said she has her husband to take care of and that's all she can handle at this point. Artie asked about Mark's brother Steven and if he could help. She said he's got his own family to take care of. Artie said that they could probably get him into a hospital and get him some help. Mary said that this is all very sad and she didn't know about the love triangles that he had been involved with. He let it out that he had been involved with a man and Mary had no idea about that.
Artie asked Big Foot if he thinks he should be in a hospital. Big Foot said he doesn't think he should be in there because he'd feel like a prisoner if he was in there. Artie asked Mary if she thinks that her son is mentally retarded. She said that's what she was told but she's not sure what to do about that. She has ability to do that stuff. Big Foot said that he wouldn't mind being in a halfway house but they can't give him times to be in bed and times to get up in the morning.
Howard said that Big Foot is a loveable guy and he was going to give him $500 from Vermont Teddy Bear. He said that maybe Big Foot could get his mom one of those bears. He said he might get her the Bandit Bear so it reminds her of him all the time. Robin told Big Foot that he should call his mother more often. Howard told him not to lay all of his stuff on her when he calls too. Just call her and say that he's worried about her.
Howard let Big Foot's mom go and asked her if she expected to have this when she had kids. She said she didn't expect it and she's got 3 others to deal with. She said that two out of the four are pretty normal. Howard took a call from someone who was supposed to be Big Foot's landlord. It was actually audio clips of Alec Baldwin's voice mail to his daughter that someone was playing. Big Foot was arguing with the clips so Howard let that go on for a short time before cutting it off.
Howard told Mark that he should get that blood in the stool thing checked out. He should go to the doctor and get checked out. He said he had one shit that was green so he was wondering about that since he hadn't eaten anything green. Robin said she thinks it's got to do with too much bile being in his system. Benjy found some information and it could be many things. Fred found some stuff and said that it could be from too many vegetables or too much iron in his diet.
Howard took another fake call from Big Foot's landlord. This time it was clips of Artie asking about the five grand he owed him. Big Foot said he knew nothing about that five grand and he told him to bring it on. The Artie clips were calling him a loser faggot and other things but Big Foot said he already knew that. Howard asked Big Foot about sucking his thumb. He said he does that at night when he sleeps and has a picture to prove it.
A phone caller asked how this guy can drive if he can't read. Big Foot said he passed the tests orally and that's how he got it. He knows how to read some signs like stop signs, do not enter signs and things like that. Howard asked Big Foot who he's supporting in the presidential election. He said he's going to support himself.
Artie asked Big Foot where it was that he shit and someone saw the blood in his shit. He said it was at some woman named Jane's house. He said she's a big heifer and he doesn't care about her. He said that he did flush the toilet but it must not have all gone down that time. Howard took one more fake call, this time it was Lily Tomlin audio clips but Big Foot wasn't really playing along anymore by that point.
Artie asked Big Foot more about the shits he's made. He said he sometimes just goes on the side of the road and they're the size of logs. Howard took another fake call, this time they were clips of Gary yelling at him. Big Foot just took it all and let the yelling go on. They had Wood Yi clips call in and ask him questions too. Howard let that go on for a short time and then wrapped up with him and went to break.
Howard said Jim was in the Jackass 2 movie and he was flinging cards at the guys in that. He said he was asked to throw cards at Wee Man's ass but he came up with the idea to shock him in the ass instead with this shocker thing you put on a chair. Jim said he brought that along with him just in case they wanted to try that out.
Howard had the guys bring in Siobhan who was wearing a wig today and looking somewhat like a woman according to Howard. Siobhan didn't seem to think that the card trick was going to work. Howard asked her if she's been blowing guys like he heard she was. She said she doesn't have any men right now. She said she was looking for a really nice guy and didn't want to be hooked up with Big Foot. Howard told her that she doesn't have a real vagina and no man is going to want that.
Howard had Jim get into this card trick so Jim had him pick a card. He picked a card and then put the card back into the deck and mixed it up. Jim said he was going to have Howard count to five and then had him pick the card from the deck and asked him if it was the same card he had picked. It was. Jim took the card and ripped it up and then walked over to Siobhan. He had Siobhan sit on the stool they had in the studio. He then had her look at him and had her open her skirt to reveal what was down there. She reached into her vagina and pulled out a condom that she claimed was from last night. She said there was a bunch of stuff in there and started digging it out. She said one of her cat's toys was in there. Howard said it was a mistake having her in there. Siobhan eventually pulled the card out of there. Jim then showed Howard that the card he had ripped in half was the other half of the card that Howard was holding. Siobhan said that the other stuff was rigged and the card wasn't in there. She swore she didn't know how it got in there.
Siobhan asked how he did the trick. Jim said he has a big deck of cards and he could try another trick with the lie detector chair. He said it shocks people when they lie while they're sitting on the chair. Siobhan didn't want to be shocked and neither did Artie. They decided to ask Sal about the black family in his neighborhood instead. Sal came in and stripped down a little bit. While he was doing that Siobhan told Howard that the card was actually stuck in her vagina and she really has no idea how it got in there.
Jim told Sal that they were possibly going to hit him with 30,000 volts of electricity in his ass. Howard started off asking him if he loved his wife. Sal said no and didn't get shocked. He said he answered like that so he wouldn't get shocked. Howard asked him about his son's names. Howard asked him if he likes black people and he didn't get shocked. He then asked him if he's upset that he has black people living in his neighborhood. He said ''no'' and got shocked. Sal told Artie to get on the chair and give it a try. Artie said that wasn't going to happen.
Howard had Sal sit back on the chair and asked him if he's sexually attracted to men. Sal said no again and got shocked. Howard then asked him if he's ever had a gay experience. He said no and flinched but no shock came. Howard asked him if he ever dreams about sucking his penis. Sal said no and got shocked once again. Howard told the guys to get Richard in there so they could ask him some questions. Sal said he's never dreamed about sucking Howard's cock.
Richard came in and got on the chair. Howard asked him a few simple questions and he answered those correctly. Howard asked him if he's ever fucked a farm animal, he said no and didn't get shocked. Richard was then asked if he's attracted to Sal's penis. He said yes trying to avoid getting shocked. Then Howard asked him if he would suck Sal's penis. Richard said no and got shocked. Howard said this chair is amazing. Richard said there's some trickery going on there. He said it's like someone is pinching him harder than he's ever been pinched before.
Howard asked Richard if he's ever had a gay experience. Richard said it depends on what the definition of a gay experience is. He said he did masturbate next to a guy one time. Howard asked him if he loves his girlfriend. He said he is and didn't get shocked. Then Robin asked him if he's ever had sexual fantasies about men. He said he had and then explained it so he got shocked again. Howard asked him if he's sexually attracted to him and he got shocked again and again. Howard asked him if he thinks he's a nice person. Richard said yes to that and didn't get shocked.
Howard asked Sal if he would really smell his balls. Sal said he would so he didn't get shocked. He was then asked if he was attracted to Beth. He said no because it's Howard's girl. He said he would love to fuck Robin and didn't get shocked. Howard asked him if he hates Robin or if he resents her success because she's black. He said no and got shocked again. Howard said this chair is the greatest thing ever. Richard asked Sal if he would give him a hand job. Sal said no and got shocked.
Howard asked Gary to come in and get on the chair but he refused. Howard asked Sal if he likes Jewish people. He said yes and didn't get shocked. Sal was then asked if he likes saying the N-word. Sal said he doesn't like saying it and didn't get shocked. He was also asked if he thinks he can do better than Fred if he were in his position. Sal said no and got shocked. He figured Fred had the shocker after that. Sal got one last shock when he was asked if he loves his mother-in-law and said he does.
Howard asked JD and Ronnie to come in and sit on this chair. JD refused at first but Gary told him to just go in the studio. JD came in but he refused to sit on the chair. Howard said he'd love to get Scott the Engineer in there. Will asked to get Benjy in there to ask about cheating on his diet. Benjy said he didn't want to do it because he knows that the guy can shock him at any time.
Jim once picked a lottery number as a joke and it actually came true that day and there was a huge number of entries for that day. He's also memorized a ton of zip codes so the guys threw a bunch of numbers at him and he knew the approximate locations for them. He also remembers things about dates. He sits and memorizes crap like that. Artie threw out a date and he knew that it was a Friday. Fred asked about a date and Jim knew it was a Wednesday. Jim said he didn't start doing the memory thing until he was 49 years old.
Howard gave Jim a plug for his web site JimKarol.com and also gave Siobhan a plug for her web site KatFarm.com. Siobhan told Howard that she got about 200,000 hits on her site after he mentioned that on the show the first time. She said she had to upgrade her account after that.
Artie said that he had heard some of Siobhan's stand-up comedy and it was really good... and then faked getting shocked in the ass for lying. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to commercial.
Howard said he plays against Marty all the time and it's weird to meet the guy in person. Marty said that Howard is a very defensive player and he takes his time to make his movies. Howard said that Marty is a glass guy and he does stained glass stuff. He actually lives out in Des Moines, Iowa. Howard said that's what's cool about the web site, he can play the guy out there in Iowa while he's in New York.
Howard asked Marty if he thinks there are any hot chicks playing on the site. He said he knows that supermodel Carmen Cass plays on there. Howard wondered if he's ever played her not knowing it. Howard said he always figured that the chess chicks all looked like him.
Howard told Robin about this chess site and how everyone who is on there plays against people who are at the same level they're at if they want. They spent a few minutes talking about the chess stuff before Artie changed subjects and brought up how Robin had waited months and months before talking about her break-up with Mr. X while he waited just minutes before talking about breaking up with Dana.
Howard said that Robin could have announced it there instead of on Bubba's show. She said that her excuse is that the break up wasn't like Artie's. They had a lot of break-ups, make-ups and maybes while Artie's was pretty cut and dry. Robin said that the relationship didn't end abruptly for her. She said there wasn't a moment where they realized it was over. She said that it had ended a long time ago and they finally came around to knowing that it was over.
Irish John called in and asked if Beth wants to choke this guy Marty because his site takes away so much time from her. Howard said he thinks she does but Marty found that hard to believe. Marty said that at least Howard is staying at home doing that stuff.
Double A called in and said he was drooling over this guy Marty like he was a hot chick or something. Howard told him to try and expand his horizons. He said he might be getting Carmen Cass some day. Howard said that he banged Beth the other day and he was ready to go 15 minutes later. He said he just wanted her to see that he was ready for her that quickly. She didn't want it again so he just told her he wanted to show off for her.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that this chess conversation was brutal and hoped it would stop soon. Howard moved on to Steve Langford and Jon Hein after that.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Big Foot and his mother, Jim Karol and his shock chair. They'll also talk about Howard leaving Gary's party early and how he's now blaming it all on Artie showing up late.
Howard said he wanted to have Robin sit on that lie detector chair and see if she really stayed home from Gary's party because she was sick. He said he has the feeling that if he put her on the chair and asked her that, it would have exploded.
Howard said he had the top 5 songs to go through today. He played through the songs quickly. The artists included Avril Lavigne, Timberland, Akon, Fergie and T-pain. He also threw in Rev. Bob Levy's new song about Robin that he played earlier in the show. Artie asked ''What the fuck?'' when he heard the song. He said it was creepy, unfunny and it eludes to rape. Robin said she may have to get a restraining order because of that song. Artie said that Bob appears to be talentless after making that song. Howard played some more song parodies and some songs from Larry Pierce.
Howard took a call from Ralph and ended up going off on him for the comments he made yesterday on The Wrap Up Show. Howard asked him what he was calling in about and wanted to get him off the phone. Ralph said he was looking at the Cabbie web site and it looks just like Howard TV. There's no content, it's all ads and he should be ashamed of himself. He picked on everything about the site and said it looked just like the Howard.tv web site. Howard said he didn't know there was a problem there. He also pointed out that Ralph isn't one to be talking about stuff that's rude. He said he would take behavior advice from Sal before he'd take it from Ralph.
Howard had Robin get into her news after that. She read through a bunch of stories before Howard interrupted with some e-mail. He said he got a lot of feedback about the night he left Gary's dinner party. People were pissed at him for doing that. He didn't get one positive e-mail about that. There were some people who were upset with Robin not showing up at all to that dinner party. That led to Robin asking Howard how he would feel if someone got up and left a party they threw. Howard said it would never happen because their meals would be served on time.
Howard read some more e-mail and had one where the writer went off on Robin for not showing up to that party. He also read some feedback about Artie's appearance on Entourage. One guy said you can barely see his bald spot. There were other people who thought he did a good job on the show. One person said that Artie was the worst actor on that show and just memorizing lines doesn't make a great actor.
Howard read one e-mail from a guy who said he works on One Life To Live and told him that they try to cover up their boners by wearing four pair of underwear. Artie used an Ace bandage on his area to keep his down when he shot a love scene for Rescue Me. There was one more e-mail about Artie and how he drives a Mercedes with a navigation system in it so he should have been able to get to Gary's house on time the other night. Artie said that guy must be jealous of him having a Mercedes or something.
Howard had Robin get back to her news but took a call from a guy who asked why Carmen Electra hasn't been on the show. Howard said he thinks she's avoiding it because she got into some trouble for riding the Sybian the last time she was on. He thinks she was banned from the show for a year over that. He said he hopes that she's not trying to reinvent herself because he's seen her out not dressing sexy anymore and things like that. He said that she was very charming the way she was and she shouldn't change.
Robin finished up her news report and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show saying he had some new Riley Martin clips to play today. He was also listening to some of Rosie O'Donnell's video blog. She talks to the audience at The View before the show and tapes it for her blog. At one point she was asked if she would ever go on the Howard Stern Show. Rosie said she has gained a lot of respect for Howard since he came out against the FCC and she probably would go on his show one day if she had something to say. She said he used to scare him and he doesn't scare her so much these days. The woman asking the question said that the show may be the best produced show anywhere. Robin said that person was wonderful and wondered where she was from. Howard said he's not going to give that best produced show credit to Gary. He was going to take that for himself.
Howard read some e-mail about that dinner party. Someone said that Howard disrespected Gary and his wife by leaving the party when he did. Howard said he would have walked out on anyone's party if he felt the same way he did that night. Gary said they discussed that yesterday on The Wrap Up Show yesterday. They talked about how he probably wouldn't leave another party if it was someone like Robin. Howard said he's left one party early and they all give him shit about it.
Howard said he stayed at Robin's party for the whole day one time down at the Jersey shore. He said he was there all day and until 10:30 at night so he doesn't leave every party early. Robin said that if someone doesn't want to come to a party to enjoy themselves, they shouldn't come. She told Howard that about her party. Howard was still goofing on Robin for not showing up to Gary's party at all. She's still sticking by her story that she was getting sick though.
Howard read some more mail he got about Gary's party. The arguing was still going on between Howard, Gary and Robin too. Gary was arguing about the time they actually ate and they were only 5 minutes off. The e-mailers were telling Howard that he's being a real prick about the whole thing and he really should apologize. Gary pointed out that Bubba's own producer left his boss's wedding to go watch a football game so that Bubba Boot Camp must be working really well.
One e-mailer said that they're worried that Howard is on heroin after hearing what he did the other night. The writer expected Howard to stand up like a man and apologize for what he did but that didn't happen so they're worried about his mental health. Beth was brought up again so Howard said he spoke to her about the conversations they were having about her. He said she was awake yesterday when Gary called her. She was in the shower or something so she missed the call and didn't call back. He said they might have to call her again today.
Howard said there are some people who side with him. He read some of those e-mails. One guy said that Howard should be allowed to go home if he wants to and that's that. Another writer said that Howard is a shock jock and the arguing over etiquette is ridiculous. Other's were on Howard's side in that but they were also talking about how he's an old man who plays chess and beats off all day. He said he was actually beating off last night to some Savana Samson movies. He said they got Savana's whole catalog of movies so he was checking some of them out. He noticed that they used to pair her up with some really ugly chicks back when she first started out in the business. He said that the women were kind of fat and unattractive so it was kind of a bummer to watch. He said the dudes were kind of creepy looking as well.
Howard said he usually doesn't notice but this one guy had a curved cock that was really distracting. He's noticed that since they started talking about it on the show. Artie said he thinks that Richard is really into that for some reason.
Howard read through some more e-mail and one guy told Howard to take back the car he gave to Robin. He read some mail that didn't have to do with all of that. He said he got some feedback about Sour Shoes and how great he's been on the show lately. The guys talked about how great Sour Shoes' Scott Ferrall impression was. Some e-mailers think that he does it a little too much though.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who was pointing out that Gary must be spending a ridiculous amount of money with that new house of his and that party he threw. A bunch of people were wondering what was going on with him these days. Gary said he paid about $1,900 at auction for that party he had. It was a charity auction thing. In all it probably cost him $2700. He doesn't do that all the time, it was a one time thing.
Howard asked Gary who called him and thanked him for the dinner. Gary said that Howard called, Fred sent a note.. Howard interrupted and asked him who called him. Gary was trying to figure it out but he kept cutting him off. Gary eventually said it was 3 people. Howard, Pam and Tim all called and a few others wrote notes. Artie asked who brought a gift. Howard said everyone did but Artie said it was the most expensive gift. Gary said he got the coveted Sunday tickets for the Yankees. Artie said the tickets are $150 a pop and he gave them four.
Gary said that the house he had built is something he earned. He said that he did a lot of appearances to make the money to pay for the stuff he has in the house. Artie said that he paid for that house with a lot of appearances because he knows the kind of money he makes doing those appearances. Howard said that Gary did a great job and has a beautiful home now. The dinner was very nice and he as very appreciative for him having him over so he called him the next day. Other people didn't even do that. Robin said that all of the ball busting is just in fun.
Howard read one e-mail he found hard to believe. It was a note about that Rev. Bob Levy song parody and how it was ''great'' and they should play it during the news. Artie said it was great but not in the usual way. Howard found the song and played it so everyone could hear it. They were goofing on poor Bob as the song was playing.
Bubba was on the phone so Howard got to him. He said he wasn't going to get into the Bubba Boot Camp thing. He brought up the Fred thing that they were just talking about. Fred said that he gave Bubba $500 for his wedding and didn't get a thank-you. Bubba said that they're still working on the thank-you notes as they speak. He said that he and Heather were talking about it the other day. He said that Heather told him that they have 6 months to get the thank-you notes out so they're still within that time frame.
Robin told Bubba to get the shit off his nose and get out of Howard's ass with this Bubba Boot Camp stuff. Howard took a call from a woman who said that when they went to Bubba's wedding, they came back that Monday and Howard said that Artie going to watch a football game at the wedding was wrong. Howard said it was wrong and he didn't leave because he was tired or something. Artie said he left the wedding with the best man to watch a game he had a lot of money on. Howard said when he left he went home to sleep, not to watch some game. The woman on the phone asked Artie to come up to Maine so he said he'd probably be there today.
Bubba asked his wife Heather to get on the phone so she could talk to Fred. She told Fred that she's still getting the notes together and hasn't sent any to anyone at SIRIUS because she was afraid that someone might get upset. Heather said that she's sorry she didn't send them out yet. Fred said he has no quarrel with Heather, it's with Bubba. Howard told Heather that Bubba was talking about etiquette and all of that so that's why they were discussing this stuff. Heather said she was always taught that you have 6 months to get to the thank-you notes. She's been overwhelmed with stuff since then so she has to do them little by little.
Howard read a note about the proper etiquette about thank-you notes and how they should be sent out as quickly as possible. Then he read that the notes should be sent out within 3 months of the receipt of gifts. Gary said she's past that time then because the 3 months was up in the middle of April. Howard asked Heather what she's so busy with that she hasn't gotten them out yet. She said it's not about that, she's been trying to keep them all together so they all get them at the same time.
Howard said he thinks that not one thank-you note has gone out at all. Heather said that's not true. Howard asked her if they could hook her up to a lie detector test about it. She said that she has sent out thank-you notes to some people and she has a list she could check but she has to get her daughter ready for school. Howard said that it's not him, it's Fred that's offended. Artie said that it's Bubba's fault for sending the note destroying them all there.
Howard asked Heather if it was true she used a 10 inch dildo on herself. She said it was 9 inches and she was just trying to mix things up. She said she did that in the car for Bubba. Heather told Howard that she tries to be spontaneous with Bubba so that sex thing doesn't go away in their marriage. She said that she had the dildo in her purse and pulled it out when there was a moment of quiet in the car. She got naked in the car and then started doing it with the dildo. She said she put her feet up on the dashboard and spread her legs putting the dildo in there. She said she was just trying to have some fun and she's allowed to do that because she is married.
Howard asked Heather for more details. Heather said Bubba has been doing a lot lately and he's always tired doing stuff for the show. She said he's always on the computer e-mailing people. Fred said he's not e-mailing him. Howard said that if Heather was his wife he'd be fucking her a lot. Heather said she probably had a few too many Sake drinks at the restaurant they were at the night she used the dildo. She said he left her shoes on as she was doing all of that. She said Bubba was actually asking her to leave him alone while he was driving. She was trying to get him to fuck her but he just wanted to pay attention to his driving.
Howard said he might have to go over there and fuck Heather in front of Bubba. He said that might turn Bubba on to see a guy banging his wife. Heather said she wasn't asking for that though. She said she had to get going to get her daughter ready for school. Bubba got back on the line and said that they were destroying him this morning and it was brutal. Bubba had to explain why he was turning his wife down in the car that night. He said that lately she just wants to fuck all the time and he's too tired to do it that much.
Bubba said that they did it the other night and she was back to using the dildo after that. He said he had to ask her to chill out with that stuff for a while. Bubba said he really blew it that night in the car. Howard said that's the ultimate love when a woman does something like that in the card. Bubba said the other night she showed up wearing some crotchless panties and f-me heels and he had to ask her to hold on a second while he finished up his work. He said she asked him to come into the room with her but he ended up staying on the computer too long and she had passed out by the time he got into the bedroom.
Howard asked Bubba what he's doing on the computer that's so important. He said he was working on ordering merchandise and transferring money and stuff. Howard asked him if he has a thread on SternFanNetwork that's bigger than Eric the Midget's. Bubba said he really doesn't know. He doesn't post on there, he just reads that stuff.
Ralph called in and asked Bubba what Bubba Boot Camp is and what he can learn from that. He was also complaining that he didn't get a thank-you note. Howard brought up an incident that happened with Ralph at a wedding one time when he was rubbing some chick's nipples with ice cubes but Ralph said they really can't talk about that. Howard told Bubba to get those thank-you notes in the mail. Bubba said he was going to do that after he goes and fucks Heather. Howard let him go but spent a little more time talking about his wedding after he was off the phone.
Bobo called in and said that they really need to get to the bottom of that stuff because there's still a lot of stuff going on during the Wrap Up Show. Howard didn't understand what he was talking about because his phone connection was so bad. He didn't bother answering him.
Howard said he found a clip of that Dropping Loads guy Nick Manning doing a tribute to Harry Caray where he says ''Cubs win, Cubs win'' as he's dropping his load. Howard played that and a clip of Harry Caray saying ''Cubs win'' over and over again. He said that clip of Nick came from the movie ''Screw My Wife #40.'' Artie seemed to think that was pretty funny when he heard it the second time.
Gary got Beth on the phone so she could talk about leaving dinner the other night. Robin wondered what she thought about being dragged out of the party. Beth said that's her life. She said that she never said she loved him because she wanted to get out of the party. She said she thought it was rude that they were leaving and she was actually saying that she was glad that they left because he was going to be miserable if they didn't leave. She said she could have stayed even longer because she was having a very nice conversation with Mary.
Beth said she knows when it's time to leave because she knows what he's like if they stay out too late. Artie and Robin were glad that Beth said that because Howard was making it seem like she was glad to get out of the party.
Beth said Howard was up late the night before because he was worrying about this chess tournament that he was in. Artie said he was glad she called in and straightened this out. He said he knew that she didn't want to leave like Howard was saying she was. Howard went off on Robin for not going to the party at all but she turned it around on him pointing out that his excuse that Beth wanted to leave was bullshit. Howard said that this is going to lead to him staying at parties way to long now and he'll see who drags who away from the parties.
Howard also said that Beth was sleeping in the car on the way home but she said she was actually staring out the window while he read a chess book. Howard changed subjects and told Beth about the dildo thing that they had talked to Heather about. Beth thought he wanted her to do it or something but Howard said he'd probably get freaked out by that and kick her out of the car.
Howard said he was sorry if he dragged Beth out of the party. She said she's just happy to be with him no matter what. She said she knows that he has to get going when he gets tired though. Beth said she was feeling kind of bad that Mary went to the kitchen to get the desert package ready for them. Then when she left she was worried about who she didn't get to say goodbye to. Beth said Howard is exhausted a lot because he's got so many things going on in his life. Howard said he guesses he's wrong for leaving early.
Beth said that getting Howard out to the party like that was something that amazed her. Howard said Beth told him that she wanted to just go out to dinner with the two of them and not to the dinner party. Beth said that wasn't true. Artie said no one in there believed what Howard was saying. They found it hard to believe that Beth would say something like that. Gary told Beth that Howard has insulted everyone in there for things they've done in the past because he left the party early.
Beth said that her family wants to throw them an engagement party out there in Pittsburgh. Howard said they don't really want to do that and they don't even know anyone out there. He doesn't believe that Beth's father really wants to do something like that. Beth said he really does though. She was still out in Pittsburgh but she'd be coming home today. Howard told her to hurry up and get home. He said he'd like to go out there and check it out sometime. Artie said it's actually a great city and he loves going out there.
Howard asked Beth if any guys hit on her out there. She said she's been working and staying with her family so there haven't been any guys hitting on her. Howard said he can't wait for her to come home. He said they usually go out to dinner on the weekends and are in bed by 8:30. Beth knew they were going to be in trouble when Howard had the wine and stuff before dinner. That made Howard tired. Howard said he started drinking the wine to fill up because he wasn't eating so that's why he got so tired. Robin said he hopes he learned his lesson there. Howard said the lesson is that people should throw their parties earlier. He said they should have dinner around 5 instead of 7.
Artie said that Howard was very supportive of the things he does and came to his movie premiere. Howard said he even stayed for the after party. Gary said that what Howard was saying is the stuff that he wants everyone to hear. Howard called him an asshole but Gary was trying to point out that he was saying everyone else was wrong there. Gary and Artie were still explaining the way things worked out but Howard said that no one cares anymore.
Beth said that this is the way Howard does things and they really shouldn't be surprised. Gary said that it was the way that Howard lashed out at everyone that made this a bigger deal than it was. Howard said that Beth was happy to go that night but she kept saying she was happy to be with him. She wasn't in a rush to leave. Howard let Beth go after that. He was going to take a break but Gary told him they had found a Harry Caray clip where he said that good lord wanted the Cubs to win. They mentioned that earlier when they were talking about the Nick Manning clip. They went to break after that.
Gary said they can put Benjy back in ''Intern Row'' in the office so he can't be in the studio anymore. Benjy said Howard is the boss and he can do what he wants. He also pointed out that Artie was late this morning. Artie said he did come in during the first rap of the morning. Howard said that doesn't bother him though. It does bother him when Benjy shows up late. He also said that Artie would love not to have to sit in the studio. He could nap out in the green room instead.
Lisa said that they've found out that Eric the Midget is desperate for money lately and he's been looking for a job in the Sacramento area. He's been complaining about the price of gas but she's not sure what that's about so they'll be going over that in the news. Lisa wrapped up her news report a short time later.
Ralph called in and told Howard he has to get that Eric the Midget voice mail that Lisa was talking about. He said that he's really delusional in the message saying he'd like to work for the Malouf brothers and things like that. Howard told Gary to get him a copy of that message so he can play it at some point. Ralph told him to play it immediately because it's very important.
Howard said he can't wait for Tobey Maguire to come in. He's got a lot to talk to Tobey about today. Howard brought up the Chris Cornell version of ''Billy Jean'' that they've played on the show the past couple of days. He had a clip of Chris explaining why he covered the song on his latest album when asked about it by a fan. He said that he would never imagine covering that song after hearing the Johnny Cash cover of the Nine Inch Nails song ''Hurt'' and how he would like to cover a song that he'd never think of covering. He explained how he remembered seeing the video for that song and how cool it was at the time. Howard played Cornell's cover of ''Billy Jean'' since he's such a big fan of it. He said it's kind of cool.
Howard said there's a story in the paper about how the tabloids will do anything they can to paint a celebrity gay. He said that Tobey used to hang out with a bunch of guys like Leonardo Dicaprio and they were called the Pussy Posse. The tabloids thought that they could make it seem that Tobey was gay because he was hanging out with him so much so that's what they did. Tobey told Howard that his mother once spoke to The Globe thinking that she was talking to another magazine and said seme things that she probably shouldn't have said. He had to tell her not to talk to anyone after that.
Tobey is engaged so Howard asked him how he's avoided getting married so far. Tobey said he's been really busy so he hasn't had the time to get it done. He said that he gets the line about how she'd like to have his last name and she'd like their baby to have his last name. Howard told him to just tell her to take the name, he doesn't need to be married. Howard said that Tobey is engaged to the daughter of a big movie studio guy, Ron Myers. He said he had some big names at the engagement party. He read off some of the names and saw that Kate Hudson was there. He asked Tobey if she said anything about him at the party. Tobey joked that she was obsessed with him and talked constantly about him. Howard said it would be so cool if he could file orders of protection against all of these women like Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore and Kate Hudson. Artie said that his whole life should be trying to get within 100 feet of them so they all get arrested.
Howard read that Tobey hasn't done any weed since he was 19 or so. Tobey doesn't drink either so he explained how he had a problem at one point and had to seek help for it. He said it was getting in the way of his life and who he wanted to be so he had to put a stop to it. Fred started playing some sad piano music while he was talking about that so Tobey laughed and said he couldn't go on anymore.
Tobey talked about starting out in the business when he was about 13 years old and how he was on a Rodney Dangerfield special. He said that Rodney actually hit on his mother. He said Rodney asked her if she wanted to do a little huggin' sometime when he hit on her.
Howard asked Tobey about how much he had to have made for this third Spider-Man movie. Tobey said that he doesn't make ''Howard Stern money'' so Howard said ''no one does.'' He figured that Tobey made a 3 picture deal and must have known what he was going to get paid years ago. He said he did make that deal and he got some points in the movies as well. Howard said it must be an astronomical amount of money. Tobey said he doesn't talk about that kind of stuff.
Howard said that Tobey has talked about how he'd make a fourth Spider-Man. He thinks that he really should if Sam Raimi is involved. Tobey said that Sam really is great. He said he had a lot of fun making the movie and Sam is really great and he makes it a lot of fun to do. Howard said they gave him more acting stuff to do in this third movie than they did in the past. He said that's true. Tobey said he thinks that they could still make those movies even if the wiped the slate clean and replaced everyone.
Howard asked Tobey about falling in love with Kirsten Dunst during the first movie. He wouldn't confirm that because he doesn't talk about that stuff. Howard said that it must be awkward to do love scenes and stuff in two more movies after breaking up. Tobey wasn't confirming or denying any of those stories. Howard said he thinks that she was turned on in the second film because her nips were hard. He said you can't fake that stuff.
Howard told Tobey that he should get back into that Pussy Posse thing. Tobey said that he's getting old but Howard said at 31 he should be back in the Pussy Posse. He asked him if he and Leonardo Dicaprio ever banged the same chick. Tobey wasn't talking about that stuff and wouldn't answer any questions about that stuff. He did talk about throwing up in a hot tub one time when he and Liv Tyler were hanging out. Tobey said that there were other people there as well and it wasn't just Liv. He said he wasn't feeling very well that night and he wasn't necessarily sick, it could have been induced by something else. He said he got into the hot tub and it all came out.
Howard asked Tobey if he hangs out with Jennifer Aniston and got to experience the whole Vince Vaughn thing and the Brad Pitt years. Tobey wasn't talking about that very much either. He was keeping all of the details to himself. Howard said he had a list of poon that he's had so he read that list. Tobey wasn't going to confirm or deny any of it. He rattled off names like Kirsten Dunst, Demi Moore, Nicole Richie and Christina Aguilera. Tobey just laughed. He didn't confirm any of them. Howard told him it was a nice list. Howard said this must be beyond his greatest fantasies. Tobey said it is pretty great.
Robin asked Tobey how he got involved in acting. He said his mom pushed him into it and she was kind of a stage mom for him. He said he got moved around a lot as a kid so when his mom offered him the chance to either act or keep moving around, he chose to act.
Robin asked Tobey if there was a time when he didn't want to do Spider-Man anymore. Tobey said there was a time after he did Sea Biscuit because he had some back problems. He said his back eventually got better and he got back to it. Howard said that Jake Gyllenhal was named as a replacement for him but Artie said that all went wrong when Jake got fucked in the ass for that Brokeback Mountain movie. He said they can't have a gay Spider-Man.
Artie said he predicts that Spider-Man 3 will do at least 10 million this weekend. He was joking around and said he thinks that it'll probably set records. Howard said he thinks that this Spider-Man is the best of the 3 Spider-Man movies. He said that they wove in all of the different villains very well. That led to them talking about all of the enemies in the movie and how great it all came off. Howard said he didn't know what else to say other than congratulations. Artie hadn't seen the movie yet but he has seen trailers and the Sand Man character looks really cool. Howard told Tobey he just makes up answers when people ask him how they do those special effects. He's really not sure how they do that.
Howard asked Tobey what he's got going on after this movie. He said he doesn't have anything in the works right now, he can take a couple of months off to just relax. Howard said that must be cool to just take some time off like that. Tobey said that it really is nice.
Howard took a call from this guy Hanzi who asked Tobey about fussing over a certain type of water that he demands when he goes to hotels and stuff. Tobey said that he has a water he generally drinks, Ice Age, but he will drink just about any water he's given. He said he prefers tap water over certain waters like Evian. Howard said all he drinks is water so he agrees about some types of water not tasting right.
Howard asked Tobey if he's demanding that he have an entourage with him all the time. Tobey laughed and said that's not the case. He also takes chartered flights but doesn't fly on a private jet or anything. Ralph called in after that and asked if it bothers him that they don't have any hot chicks in these movies. Howard said that Ron Howard's daughter is hot but Ralph disagreed. He also pointed out Kirsten Dunst's teeth and how she should get those fixed. Tobey looked like he was about to pass out according to Howard and Robin. He didn't know what to say. Tobey let out an ''oh shit'' at one point.
Howard said that if the chick in the movie was the hottest chick on the planet, it wouldn't be a believable movie. Howard said that a girl with messed up teeth would be with Peter Parker. Howard asked Tobey if he broke up with her because of her teeth. Tobey wasn't answering and just kept laughing. Howard hung up on Ralph and let Joey Boots get through to ask a couple of questions. He asked if he wears a cod piece or if that's his real bulge in that costume. Tobey said that he doesn't have an enhancement, there's some stuff in there that keeps him packaged nicely. That led to Howard telling Tobey about how Artie had shot an episode of Rescue Me and had to wrap his package in an Ace bandage to keep his boner down in the love scene.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks that Tobey is an A-list celebrity. Howard said of course he is, even Tobey thinks that he is an A-lister. The caller said that they rarely get A-list celebrities but Tobey wouldn't even be A-list if it weren't for the Spider-Man movies. Howard hung up on that guy and took another call from a guy who asked if he ever banged Kirsten in the Spider-Man costume. Howard asked him if he would ever do that with his wife. Tobey said there's really no way to do it because the costume is a one piece thing.
Joey Boots called back in and asked Tobey if he's afraid that a lot of gay guys jerk off to his image. Joey said he's got a few gay friends who masturbate to him daily. Tobey said he never really thought about that before. Howard took some more phone calls and let some people ask some questions. One guy asked him why he doesn't do Letterman. Tobey said he just did it yesterday but Dave was kind of busting his chops for not doing the show for the past few years. He said he had to do it after that but it's usually just scheduling conflicts that keep him off that show. He also put the word out the other A-list celebrities out there that Howard's show is safe to do, he won't hurt anyone.
Howard asked Tobey if he's going to go see this movie with an audience. He said he will see it with the fans one night this weekend. He said that's the best time to go see a movie because it's very exciting. Robin wondered if he can watch the movie and look at it as if he weren't involved with it. Tobey said he enjoys the movies and he's very excited about this one thinking that it's the best of the three. He said his opinion may change in 5 years but right now that's the way he's thinking.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's got an 8 year old who is going to go crazy knowing that she spoke to Tobey. Tobey even gave her son a ''happy birthday'' after she mentioned it was his birthday. Howard asked Tobey who he thinks could win in a fight, Batman, Spider-Man or Superman. Tobey thinks that Spider-Man could take care of both of them easily. He said that he'd just put together some Kryptonite web and take care of Superman. Batman wouldn't even be a fight. He said he has no super powers. Howard said that's probably right. He said that Batman really has no powers but he did beat Superman once because he did have some Kryptonite.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Robin he loves her big, black titties. Then he asked Tobey if Kirsten Dunst tossed his salad. Howard said that was ridiculous. He hung up on him and then Gary told Howard that some of the guys out there were kind of gay for Tobey so they wanted to come in and say hello. Jason Kaplan came in and told him how great he is and how great the Spider-Man movie was. He told him how great he is in some of the other movies he's been involved with. Steve the Intern then came in and told Tobey that he's a huge fan but he thinks of him as Peter Parker when he sees him. He wanted to ask him to sign a Spider-Man comic book and didn't want to insult him. Howard told Tobey not to sign it.
Howard told Steve that if he lets Sal and Richard tea bag him, he'll let him get the autograph. Steve said he couldn't do that again. Tobey, sounding very surprised, said ''Again!?'' Steve took a dick to the face to win some tickets on the show one time.
Ralph called in again and said that Batman could beat Spider-Man and got that argument going. Howard said that all of the women listening are drying up hearing all of this geek talk. Howard told Tobey that these Spider-Man movies are much better than the Superman movies. He also said that they're better than the Batman movies. They were all arguing back and forth about that stuff. Tobey said he likes a lot of movies like the first Matrix movie and Empire Strikes Back. Ralph asked him if he thinks George Lucas ruined the last three Star Wars movies. He said there were some great things about those movies but not all of his wishes were met with those three.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked Tobey if he ever get it to ''Christian'' up the poop chute. Howard didn't even bother going after Tobey for an answer to that. He wrapped up with him a short time later and said that he recommends to his whole audience that they go out and see this movie.
The guys talked about some of the other creepy guys who were out in the hall getting all gay for Tobey. Howard said he was talking to his daughter about the movie and asked her if she would want to be Spider-Man. She told him that she would just like to be in the movie and not be the super hero. Howard said he would love to be the character and not just in the movie. He said that must be the difference between men and women. He said he'd love to have that suit that turns you into venom too.
Howard said he had a few things to play for Robin before Gilbert Gottfried got in there. He said he knows it'll be all about Gilbert once he gets in there. He had a Gary Garver interview where he got Lorenzo Lamas. He said Lorenzo seemed to be into it but then security threw him out and they got really vicious when they did it. Lorenzo said he misses the show because he doesn't have SIRIUS, he's got XM but he's thinking of selling the truck to get one with SIRIUS in it. Gary asked Lorenzo a couple of questions about being at this autograph signing and if it was depressing to be there. Lorenzo said there were some people there who he didn't know. As they were doing that a woman came over and told Gary that he wasn't allowed there and he was told not to come back again the last time he was there. The woman told him that he wasn't allowed there and then security told him he was a piece of shit... just like his boss.
Gary asked for his $20 back for getting in there. The woman and the security guy told him he didn't pay and booted his ass out of the event. They were looking to take his tape too but Gary said he wasn't there illegally, he paid to get in. Howard said that Gary has gotten kicked out like 3 times now and he gets really abused doing these interviews.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Tobey found his phone because he thinks that Artie might have eaten it. Artie said that they're going to call his phone later to find out if it's actually in his stomach. Another caller asked if Howard is still watching ''Heroes.'' He said he is and he's still loving it. They talked about Monday night's episode and how great it was. Howard said he hopes that the show can keep it up and keep going with great episodes like they had this season. He also talked about how great Battlestar Galactica is and how consistent they were through the 3 seasons they've done so far.
Howard said that Sal and Richard put together another bit for him so he had to play it. He said that they were inspired by this guy Human Numan that they saw walking around there at SIRIUS. Sal remembered listening to that guy on Z-100 there in New York city and how he would play jingles constantly on his show. That led to Sal and Richard creating a ton of Jingles for the Jack and Rod show so they could play them over the caller they had on the line. They would ask the caller a question about his book and then play one of their jingles over him. The guy just kept going and going though. He would pause for a second while the jingle played and pick up from where he left off. They had one that told the guy that they were playing a joke on him and that he should just hang up. He eventually did.
Bernard was interviewed about working with Imus and threw in some of the insults that they used on the show. Howard cut the clip off and started goofing on Imus doing an impression of him. Howard said he saw something in the paper about Imus' wife going up to Harlem to talk about her plan for an environmentally friendly medical center. She was surrounded by security up there.
Howard got back to Bernard and played the audio of him rambling on and on and not making a lot of sense. He had the guys bring Gilbert Gottfried in after that. He played some George Takei song parodies for him as he was coming in. Howard also played the song parody that Gilbert recorded the last time he was there called ''Tickling Robin's Clitoris.''
Howard asked Gilbert about his marriage and told him about what Bubba's wife did in the car the other night with the dildo. Howard wondered if filbert's wife ever does that for him to keep him interested. Gilbert just laughed. Howard asked if the baby has been born yet. He said it's not there yet and they're not sure what they're having.
Howard asked Gilbert about the wedding since he had gotten married after the last time he was on. Gilbert said it was a small event, it was nothing big. Artie joked that it was Gilbert, his wife and the last four guys who had booked Caroline's. Howard asked him if he wore a yarmulke. Gilbert said ''Oh yes, of course'' and then broke into a Jewish song. That got Howard laughing. He asked Gilbert if it was true he tried selling pictures of his wedding to the press. He just laughed again. Artie said that Gilbert got married during rush hour so there would be helicopters flying around. Gilbert said he's been pictured next to other celebrities before and he usually gets cropped out of them, that's how big of a celebrity he is.
Howard asked Gilbert about the wedding and where they held that. Gilbert said they had it at some hotel and his wife took care of all of the details. Robin asked him if he stood there during the ceremony with his eyes closed like he does in his stand-up act. Gilbert let out a big laugh again with that question. Gilbert said they didn't even have a band or anything like that at the wedding. He said he ''kind of'' went on a honeymoon. He said he was doing a gig out in San Francisco and they just extended that trip by a few days and made a honeymoon out of it.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's had sex with his wife since she got pregnant. Gilbert said no to that and laughed some more. Howard said he heard that the baby is going to be a girl so Gilbert confirmed that. He said he thinks he'll be able to change diapers and things like that. Howard had asked about that and if he talks to the stomach of his wife to talk to the baby. Gilbert said he doesn't believe in that so Howard said maybe he could sing to it. Gilbert broke into song again after that.
Howard said that filbert's kid will be impressed some day when the kid realizes that he does the greatest Bela Lugosi impressions. He told him he could do that Dracula Gottfried impression for the kid. Fred said that might scare the shit out of the kid though.
Howard asked Gilbert if he followed this Imus story. Gilbert said he never really knew of Imus but now he thinks he's become a supporter of his. He didn't think that Imus should have been fired over the comments he made. Howard played a few bits that the guys did using filbert's voice. They had some music playing to his singing and also had him talking to a telemarketer and saying ''Yes'' over and over to her questions that needed answers other than ''yes.''
Robin said she hears that call and thinks that company really doesn't get a lot of leads because she wouldn't let him go. Howard played another one where they had Gilbert call this guy Bindi and had Gilbert yelling stuff out to the guy. The Gilbert clips were arguing with the guy on the line but then the guy started joking around with him thinking he was talking to someone.
Howard gave Gilbert some plugs and then talked to him about Tobey Maguire a little bit. Gilbert was wondering if Tobey hooks up with Kirsten Dunst every time he makes a movie. Howard said he thinks all of that stuff is just publicity stuff and they don't hook up. Howard also brought up how everything Gilbert does ends up turning into a nightmare. He once did an awards show but he did some material that had to be bleeped and he hasn't been asked to do another one since then.
Howard played another Gilbert prank call that the guys made using clips of his laugh and some comments he's made on the show. Howard gave him a plug for his web site, GilbertGottfried.com, after that. Gilbert said he still doesn't have anything on there other than his DVD. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's tired of hearing these people talking about how they can't get SIRIUS in their GM vehicles which come with XM. He said you can swap out XM for SIRIUS with a $99 attachment that you can get from an electronics store. Howard knew about that and said that it's just replacing the brain in the vehicle and it works great.
Howard read a story where a talk show host was asked about who their roughest guest was and the guy said that it was Gilbert who had to be picked up and removed from the studio. Gilbert said he never had to be removed from a studio and he thinks that they might be making up a story.
Howard said that Rev. Bob Levy is mad at Artie for goofing on him. He had posted on SternFanNetwork that he was pissed and Artie is the one who can't take a joke while he can. Artie thinks that levy could be hyping up the upcoming Andy Dick roast. The roast is taking place on May 16th. They have a bunch of comedians ready for that roast. Artie said that roast is going to be great because the material just about writes itself.
Howard said he's not sure if they've invited anyone into the studio yet and he has this caller on the line who wanted to win the chance to come in and see the roast live. Howard had a Crackhead Bob game where the guy had to figure out what Bob was saying to get into the roast. He played the first one where Bob says ''Oh Cunty!'' Howard didn't get it but Robin knew. Artie knew what it was as well. Howard played it a couple of times but still didn't know what it was. Gary told Howard that Bob was actually doing the inflection very well and he should have gotten it. Artie told Howard what it was since he couldn't figure it out. Howard said he really had no idea. The caller started to beg for the chance to come in so Howard gave him one more chance. He said if the guy begs, he has to get tea bagged by Richard and Sal.
Howard played the second clip which was ''I'm wearing a negligee.'' It sounded like ''I'm daring a degdiday.'' Robin knew exactly what it was. Artie didn't know it and neither did Howard. The caller was begging again. Howard told him he would give him one more chance and if he begged, he'd have to lick Richard and Sal's scrotum. The caller never agreed to any of that stuff. He played the third clip where Bob says ''We Speak Your Name'' and the caller missed it again. The caller didn't sound like he was much of a fan of the show not knowing all of these lines from the show that they've played so many times. Howard gave him one more chance and said that was it for him. Howard played the clip which was ''You fuckin geek'' which was a Dice line. The caller got it right so Howard said he could come to the roast. Gary said there was only one line left if he wanted to finish the bit. Howard said that guy better not be that annoying when he comes to the roast or he'll have to throw him out.
Howard played the final clip and which was ''Cunt Farts.'' It was another Dice line but no one got it. Gary had to tell everyone what it was.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show rundown. He said they'll talk about Tobey Maguire's visit and about the note that Bubba sent to Howard about his Bubba Boot Camp. They'll also be discussing Gilbert Gottfried who was still sitting in.
Steve the Intern said that they will have JD Harmeyer sitting in on the Intern Show tonight. They'll be talking to him about how he may have caused a break up between two people there. Howard let him go after that and had Robin get to her news.
Howard picked up the phone at one point and had Baby Gottfried on the line. It was Sour Shoes doing his impression of a baby calling in from the womb. He was saying that Gilbert was telling him that he's going to have the baby at home because he doesn't want to pay the hospital bill. Howard let Sour Shoes do that for a short time before hanging up on him and having Robin get back to her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie to reenact a scene from The Godfather because his dog was dying and he wanted to say goodbye with that scene. Artie did the scene but Gilbert told him he had some of it wrong. Artie said that Gilbert is good at that kind of stuff to, that's why he picked that apart. Gilbert then went into a scene and recited it just about word for word. Artie had to help him out a little bit. They went back and forth doing lines from the movie for a few minutes. Robin said that filbert's accent was kind of like his Bela Lugosi. Artie thought it was good though.
Fred played the scene that they were doing and filbert's accent was actually very close. Artie said the lines along with the clip a little bit. That led to Gilbert and Artie doing more scenes from the movie and reciting the lines word for word.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Robin if she had any little fling since she broke up with Mr. X. Robin said she hadn't done that so the woman told her she should. Something about the caller bothered Howard so he hung up on her. He played some Abbott and Costello audio clips. They had some fun goofing around with that and with some other audio clips that they were goofing on.
Gilbert was full of old movie trivia and was filing the guys in on who played Frankenstein in the Abbott and Costello movie. Howard was also playing some Ed McMahon clips that Richard had edited to make him say some disgusting things about the celebrities he worked with over the years. Those clips got Gilbert laughing pretty hard. Gilbert and Fred got into their ''Si, Sue, Sy'' thing that they've done many times in the past. They were talking over Robin's news stories as always. Gilbert was laughing his ass off at many of the stories she brought up.
Gilbert went nuts with the N-word when Robin mentioned that there was going to be a funeral for the word. Gilbert was throwing it around which got Artie in on the fun. They were all over the place with that stuff and with the Ed McMahon clips and other things. Gilbert was doing impressions and goofing on Ted Kennedy and many other people. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard tried to end the show 10:50am. After Artie got in a plug for his web site Gilbert broke into his Artie impression and goofed on Artie for a few minutes.
Howard started off the show saying he had a lot to get to. He said he was reading some e-mail and there was a lot of stuff that people were commenting on. He read one from a guy who talked about how great yesterday's show was. The guy mentioned all of the stuff that went on during the show and how great the interview with Tobey Maguire was and how great the new Jack and Rod Show bit was. Howard said that Sal was inspired to do that bit after seeing this guy Human Numan walking around the halls there at SIRIUS. Howard played the bit after talking it up a little bit. In the bit Sal and Richard, as Jack and Rod, play a bunch of jingles over the caller they have on the line so the guy never more than a few words of a sentence out. They eventually have to play some clips that tell him he's being goofed on so he'll hang up.
Sal came in and told Howard they wanted to thank a couple of people for helping them out with the bit. They said it took a long time to create those jingles for the bit. Howard thought this was turning into the Academy Awards with the speech.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said one of the lines that Riley Martin says. Howard didn't know what he was talking about so Robin told him it was something else that wasn't right. The line was ''Quai unza la ji wan.'' Howard said it's supposed to be ''O Qua Tan Zin Wan'' and then ''Quai unza la ji wan.'' That led to him playing a clip from Riley's show from Tuesday night where he spoke to a guy who said ''O Qua Suck My Balls'' which they found to be pretty funny. Howard played that clip a bunch of times.
A phone caller said he turned on Howard TV and thought he was going to watch Howard and Artie fighting but then he saw the Siobhan show where she was pulling stuff out of her fake pussy. He said that was like false advertising or something. Howard said no one will watch if they say that they have her pulling stuff out of her pussy.
Howard read some more e-mail about the various things they've been doing on the show this week. Someone suggested they bring back the lie detector stool they had in there earlier this week. Howard said he's been getting a lot of mail about the Gary dinner party thing. Someone wrote in and said that Howard has gotten too big and thinks that the world should revolve around him and he's ''jumped the shark'' because of that. That person also thinks Robin was wrong for not going and Artie was wrong for showing up as late as he did.
Howard read another e-mail from a psychologist who said that he should demand his money back from his shrink after behaving the way he did the other night at Gary's party. Another writer said the reason Beth doesn't want any kids is because she already has one... Howard. Another person said that Beth should stop pampering him so much because he isn't a god.
Howard got an e-mail from someone who said that they shouldn't have been so upset about Bubba not sending out thank-you notes. They should have given more than they did as gifts at the wedding. Howard read some other e-mails from people who were unable to write very well. He goofed on them which led to him talking about the dean of a middle school on Long Island who is going to get fired for his misspelled letter to some parents about their child's behavior at school.
Ralph called in and said that he's been thinking about Bubba's wife and how it seems like he's already bored with her. She's already doing that dildo thing in the car with Bubba and he doesn't pull over to fuck her. That led to them talking about how Bubba was on his show yesterday talking about handing her over to Howard to bang if he wanted her.
Howard read some mail about Bubba. One guy asked Howard to stop cramming the guy into his life by talking about him on the show. Howard said that he won't stop doing that because he likes the guy. Someone e-mailed in about Gilbert Gottfried and how great he was on the show. Another person complained about The Godfather stuff Howard and Gilbert were doing yesterday. Some people enjoyed it but that person didn't. Someone wrote in and said that Gilbert should be on all the time and should replace the Howard 100 News team.
Howard read one e-mail about Bubba's wife and how hot that dildo story was. He read a bunch of mail about the Jack and Rod show bit that he played earlier. A lot of people loved it. There was also some feedback about Tobey Maguire's interview. The feedback seemed to be all positive about that interview.
Howard and Ralph also talked about Kirsten singing in the movie. Howard said it didn't last all that long and it doesn't ruin the movie. Ralph thought they could have skipped that part and left out any singing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie called his girlfriend a cunt a few years ago and it's caused some problems in his relationship. He started to explain it but Howard hung up on him before he could get the story out. Artie told the guy he was sorry. Howard took another call from a guy who goofed on Artie because the Yankees are doing so poorly this season.
Another caller said that Bubba was talking about how he wanted to bang Beth on his show yesterday. The guy said that Bubba's guys seem to be afraid when Bubba talks about Howard's girlfriend like that. Another caller asked Robin if she has a thing for George Lucas after racing with him. She said he was a nice guy but she has no desire to date him. She said he gave her a Yoda back pack and she loved that but she doesn't want to date him.
Howard asked Robin if she'd date Al Rosenberg. She said she's not in the dating mood right now. Howard asked her if she was in a dating mood, would she date Al. Robin said she'd probably be dating boy toys. Howard asked her who has more of a shot, George Lucas or Al. She said ''Oh, probably George Lucas...''
Howard said that he's glad that Imus was fired but CBS did sign a contract with the guy and they should have to pay it off. He said these companies are like pirates the way they deal with their employees. He said it's going to cost the guy a lot of money to go through with that case and he should know because he had to go through the same thing a couple of times. He said the next time he signs a contract, he's going to make the company put his pay into an escrow so he's guaranteed the money.
Howard took a call from Bobo who told Howard he was reading that Imus is planning a comeback in the fall. Howard said he can't imagine that anyone would hire him again. He read a story about that and said he doesn't believe he'll be back. Robin said that Opie and Anthony eventually came back after they were fired. Maybe Imus will be back.
Howard doesn't know why they have contracts if they aren't going to stick to them. He said the judges are to blame in some of these cases as well. He said that they should look at the contract and tell these companies that they owe money to these people they refuse to pay. He said it's such bullshit when these companies screw people over like that.
Bobo asked Howard if he could come down for the Andy Dick roast. Howard told him to talk to Gary about it and if he hasn't been to one yet, let him come down. If he has been to one then he doesn't get to come.
Howard said that there's a picture of Andy doing coke in a club so he and Jimmy also talked about that. Gary came in and said that they have the following comedians coming in for the roast... Bob Levy, Artie, Shuli, Sal, Greg Fitzsimmons, Colin Quinn, Lisa Lampanelli and possibly Dave Attell. Gary said that Andy hates Lisa for some reason and he asked not to have her there but they booked her.
Howard said that today Jeff the Drunk is coming in for his birthday even though yesterday was his actual birthday. They didn't want him anywhere near Tobey Maguire so they didn't let him come in yesterday. He went on to play a new phony phone call where the guys used some George Takei audio clips. He played some of the newer song parodies that the guys created using George's ''YEAHHHHHH!!!!'' drop that he did the last time he was on the show. Then he played the phone call Sal and Richard made using that same clip. Sal called a pizza place and told the guy his grandfather just got out of the hospital and was thrilled that he was going to be able to eat their pizza. Every time the guy would mention something he'd play that ''YEAHHHHH'' clip until the pizza guy hung up on him, twice.
Gary told Howard about another clip on the show where Jason talked about a conversation he had with his girlfriend where he asked her what she would think if he ever developed super powers like Spider-Man. Howard played that clip and said that he'd be telling all of the women he was with that he was a super hero. Gary said that Jason has been going around the office spinning fake webs. He sticks his hand up and makes a ''fiss, fiss'' sound. Jason came in and demonstrated that for Howard a short time later.
Ralph called in and asked which super hero Howard would want to be. Howard said it would probably be Superman. He said he would never want to be Batman because he has no powers. The guys argued about Superman's Kryptonite problem and how that can disable his powers so easily.
Robin and Ralph both said they'd like to be Batman if they were super heroes. That led to the guys talking about how the Superman character was supposed to be actually goofing on man when he disguised himself as Clark Kent. Howard decided to cut everyone off and said he had to get out of the conversation with Ralph because he was mumbling into the phone.
Benjy asked why Superman doesn't wear a lead vest all the time. Howard told Benjy he didn't want to talk to him about that stuff because he really doesn't know what he's talking about. Benjy said he does but when Howard asked him a question about gold Kryptonite, Benjy said he never read the comic books. He did know some details about the character but not as much as Howard.
Artie said there was a picture of the girl who plays Lana Lang on Smallville and she looked really hot. Howard said she really is a pretty girl. He couldn't remember her name but said he's heard she's a real pain in the ass to work with. Howard wasn't sure how to pronounce her name, Kristin Kreuk, so he just took a stab at it. Artie was saying that she's almost perfect looking and ''angelic.''
Howard and the guys tried to think of something for him to do. He told Gary to go down to the gay channel, OutQ, and ask those guys if they wanted to come down and spank Jeff for his birthday. Howard said they have nothing going on over there except gay stuff so they should be able to come down. Artie said that they could just play a whole Journey album while they come down to spank Jeff.
Howard tried to find the OutQ channel on his computer so he could listen in on that channel. They were doing some gay news over there and it sounded like regular news to him. They did some news about some gays getting beat up and then talked about the former New Jersey Governor Jim Mcgreevy. Howard was amazed that they do all gay news over there.
Gary was ready to go down to the gay channel but Howard wanted to let Jeff know what was going on. They brought Jeff in there and he sounded like he was drunk already. Howard told him he should get rid of that dead arm of his and get a prosthetic. Jeff doesn't want to get rid of it because he's afraid that women won't dig him. Howard said they don't dig him now so he should just get rid of it and get a hook arm or something. Howard said it would be better than walking around with his arm in a sling all the time. Jeff sounded like he was getting bummed out by the conversation.
Howard told Jeff to get rid of the facial hair because it doesn't look good. Artie agreed with Howard about the arm and said he really should get rid of it. He said that Heather Mills still isn't hated that much because of her fake leg and he thinks that Jeff could get chicks if he did get rid of the arm. Howard said they could get that arm and hang it in the studio. He wondered if that would be allowed. Artie said they could hang it next to Beetlejuice's head. Howard said they could use it as a Sybian attachment.
Gary came in and said that Jeff has a sweating problem because he's constantly sweating like crazy. Robin said some people just have that problem. Gary said Jeff drinks at least 2 six packs of beer a day too. Artie wondered why he was so grey at that age. Jeff said it must run in his family. He was also upset that he was there a day late because of Tobey Maguire.
Howard asked Jeff about the blister on his ass and what that's about. Jeff said it's always there and he can't get rid of it. He said he's been to the doctor and they told him... Artie interrupted and said ''Eww.'' Jeff talked about the blister and that led to the guys talking about how all of the Wack Packers have issues like that. High Pitch Eric has gout and Jeff has a blister they can't get rid of it. Artie said he now realizes why doctors get paid so much. He said some guy has to treat Jeff's blister.
Gary said that he remembers the smell that came out of Jeff's pants that time they saw the boil on his ass. He said it's right near his ass so it was an awful stink. Howard asked Jeff where they can spank him today. He said it would have to be on the left cheek. Howard said they're going to whack him 40 times and they'll be gay dudes. Jeff said they better not finger his asshole. Howard and the guys told him he has nothing to worry about and he may just turn them straight.
Howard told Jeff that he had been in there longer than he expected and wondered what they were going to do with him today. Jeff wanted to sing but Howard said he could do that after getting spanked. He had Gary take Jeff out of there and talked about how Jeff has been banned from Scores from what he heard. Jeff had mentioned he wanted to go to Scores today but no one was going to go with him.
Howard said that Sour Shoes was on the phone to sing some Bon Jovi songs in honor of last night's American Idol show. The guys talked about who is left on that show after last night's vote. They talked about the fat chicks who are left on the show and how bad they look. Howard and the guys talked about how odd some of the girls look. They were also talking about how Kelly Clarkson has the same problem that Sal does with the racoon eye look. She has dark circles under her eyes just like Sal does. Gary said Sal has been talking about getting those dark circles bleached kind of like Tabitha Stevens did to her asshole.
Howard went into his Elvis impression and talked about Elvis' mother who had raccoon eyes. He was also talking about some other Elvis stuff like the fact that he had a sibling that died in the womb and stuff like that. He was goofing around for a few minutes. He mentioned that he has to do a client lunch today and meet with a bunch of their advertisers. Gary, Robin and Artie said they'll be there as well. They talked about that for a short time and then went to break.
Sour Shoes eventually ran out of steam so Howard asked him where his dad was. He said his father was out walking around the lake. Howard figured they had cut off the electricity for his instruments but Sour Shoes was soon back to playing. He talked up the songs and played short clips of some of the Bon Jovi songs. Howard told the guys to just imagine that's your kid and he's 34 years old and living at home.
Fred said he used to laugh every morning when he'd see him hanging out in front of the building they used to work at. Ronnie came in and said that one time Sour Shoes plugged in his instruments outside the gym he used to work out at. Howard said that's what he was just talking about and he had just ruined the show. He had Lisa G come in after that.
Lisa G said they'll be talking about what the contestants on the show are going to be doing in this final week of the Battle of the Blobs contest. Howard said he's sure that these guys will all blimp up after the contest is over and gain back all of the weight they lost. Fred said he thinks that Benjy will be the first one to fall. He was talking to him the other day and he was talking about how he might have to fit all of his working out into a half hour workout. Gary said Scott the Engineer is another one who will be gaining back his weight. He said that he heard that Scott is going to lunch on Monday after the weigh in and he'll be eating a ton.
Jason came in and said that he wants to lose another 30 pounds after the contest and he's not going to give up. Artie thinks that Jason is going to get engaged eventually so Artie told him that it's all over after that. Jason didn't want to get into the engagement discussion so he kind of blew that off.
Howard said that one of the interns was trashing Lisa on the Intern Show last night. Gary said that Chelsea was kind of upset that Lisa didn't give her credit for a story she had suggested. Lisa said that she heard that some of the interns had broken up on the show and Lisa apparently used the story as an Intern Diary on her web site without giving her credit. Howard told Lisa to take it up with her and dropped the story.
Lisa said that Riley Martin is making an appearance this weekend at a bar in Cleveland. That led to Howard playing another clip from Riley's show where a guy brought up the pissing in a jug thing that they were talking about on Howard's show last week. The caller said that he pisses in a bottle once in a while and just about everyone does that. Riley agreed with him and said that every man does that. He also said he carries his jug with him when he's on the road because he has a schedule to meet. Artie said he has shit and pissed in some spackle buckets when he was working in construction. He said that they'd shit in a box and just throw it in the woods or something.
Richard Christy came in and told the story about shitting in a can and cooking it in an oven when he was on tour with his band one time. He also said that there were times when he was an electrician and people would put shit in boxes and hide them in the attic so it smelled like shit up there. Artie told a story about his uncle getting pissed at him when they were working at this house. He had to shit so he went and forgot to flush so the owner came up and went ''Whoa!'' when he saw the shit in the toilet. Artie said he was probably 21 years old at the time. He said his uncle tried to punch him but missed when he pulled away.
Howard read a story in the news about a judge who had been bringing his clothes to a dry cleaner and they lost his pants so he's suing them for $65 million. He said this shows why this guy shouldn't be a judge. He read the story and the dry cleaners are some Korean immigrants who are just trying to make a living. He read that it has destroyed their lives. The judge refused to take a settlement from them for $12,000 and now he's suing over the cost to drive to another dry cleaner for 10 years. He read through the rest of the story and said that they should get this guy off the bench.
Howard said that story makes him so angry. Those people are working their asses off and even found his pants but this guy is going to screw them over and ruin their lives. Gary said he heard that since the AP picked up on the story, it may come to an end and he may not stay as a judge. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he decided not to have Gary go down to OutQ to get someone to spank Jeff the Drunk. He said no one would care so he was going to have him come in and hit this pinata they have with a six pack of beer in it. Jeff said he didn't care about the spanking either. Howard told him to get into a bikini and they'll have him hit the pinata with the six pack of Budweiser in it. They got him a pink bikini to wear but Jeff didn't want to put the top on. The bottom was a thong according to Mike Gange. Jeff finally agreed to it so he was going to get changed.
Artie mentioned that Jeff was upset with him for not sending him money in a while. Jeff said that's not why he was mad, he was upset because he didn't give him his new phone number. Artie said that he'll give it to him, that's no big deal. Jeff also said he won't watch Artie's episode of ''Entourage'' because he thinks that Artie lied to him about being buddies. Jeff claims that Artie said that they had become buddies but then stopped calling him. He then changed his story and said that Artie said that they were ''Aquainnences.'' That led to the guys goofing on him about screwing up that word.
Howard told Jeff that he was misunderstanding the meaning of the word. Artie said that Jeff is mad at him for not giving him money for nothing anymore. He said he always complains about his bills when he talks to him so he knows that's why he's pissed. Jeff said that's not it though. Artie asked him if he wanted a hundred bucks but Jeff didn't seem to hear him. Jeff attempted to pop a balloon with his one arm but didn't have any luck. He just made a bunch of noise.
Jeff was heading out of the studio to get into his bikini but he wasn't able to open the studio door. Will was standing there not helping him so Howard told him to give him a hand. Jeff eventually got it open. Howard gave Jeff a plug for an appearance he's making this weekend down in the Baltimore area. He said you can find out more at TheRealJeffTheDrunk.com.
Ralph called in and said he saw the special and this is really annoying. He said she's got this ''So what'' t-shirt she wears and shows her fat belly and it's just gross. He said these girls don't need encouragement to do this because they already are. Howard played a clip from the show where a woman is talking about her awful stretch marks and how her doctor told her they were the worst he had ever seen. Then she saw Tyra's article and decided not to get a tummy tuck. She said ''so what'' to the stretch marks.
JD had come in to talk about the Tyra show but Howard ended up playing some clips from The Intern Show where JD was talking about some stuff that goes on in the office there. JD said that he doesn't like it when people pile on top of him and goof on him. Howard heard that JD also hated Stuttering John when he worked there. He played a clip where JD talked about avoiding Stuttering John at all costs because he was such a shady guy to him.
Howard said that the female interns voted JD the ''creepiest employee.'' JD said he heard about that and one of the girls told him that right to his face. Howard said JD is kind of creepy because his personality is so weird. He also heard that JD stares at the intern's boobs. JD said he's not the only one who does that but Howard told hi that he can't make it obvious. Howard told him to get some sunglasses to hide it a little bit. Benjy was also accused of staring at their boobs. He denied doing it until he heard it was Jenny the Intern. He admitted to it when he heard it was her.
Artie said that it looked like a bed sore and he really should get it taken care of. Jeff told them to hook him up with a doctor to help him out. Robin said it looked like it was dying down there and he needs to get that stuff cut out of there. Artie said that's the most grotesque thing he's ever seen. Robin said it looks like it has fingers and an alien stepped on him.
Howard asked how someone gets something like that. Robin said it's an infection and it spread. Artie said that it's probably from not wiping his ass right because he was right handed and now his right arm is paralyzed. Artie told him to do something immediately because that could kill him. Jeff told Artie to wipe his ass for him but Artie quickly said no to that.
Howard told Jeff to hit this pinata thing they had in there. They blindfolded him and let him start swinging. Artie told Will to get out of the way because he could get hit. Jeff started swinging and hitting it but it wasn't breaking. Howard was going to stop him but he whacked it one more time and broke it open. Artie caught a glimpse of his ass again and let out a yell. Jeff continued to whack the pinata and no one could stop him. He eventually stopped and Robin had noticed that he had two knots on the top of his head. Jeff said he's had them forever.
The guys helped Jeff out with the pinata but Robin noticed something else on his body and pointed out the acne on his back. Jeff got the beer out of the pinata and Artie threw him a $100. Gary said he was going to give him a case of Heineken as well. Robin said Jeff looked like he was attacked by something. Jeff interrupted and said that the $100 bill he gave him wasn't real. Howard told Jeff to get to the hospital. They had his ass up on the monitor and it was so scary looking that they were all telling him to get some help. Robin said that it's not contagious but he needs to get help.
Gary said Doug Goodstein called a doctor friend of his and the doctor told him he should be in the hospital if it's as bad as they're saying it is. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be a doctor who could be there in 20 minutes to check him out. Howard put him on hold and said they'd set him up. Jeff got all bummed out but Howard told him they're trying to get him some help. Jeff said he knows his ass is a mess and he doesn't need them pointing it out. Howard told the guys to help him get to the couch in the green room so the doctor can come down and look at him.
Jeff didn't want to stay in the bikini but Howard anted the doctor to see his ass in it. Jeff left the studio and told Artie ''fuck you and your hundred dollars...'' Howard told Jeff they're going to get a doctor down there for him but Jeff just stomped on balloons as he was leaving. Howard said he loves Jeff and that ass of his was really alarming so he hopes he gets some help. He told Robin that maybe she should go help him out. She thinks that he's going to lose at least that one cheek of his ass. He said it's even going up his back and it's at the top of his crack.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who told Artie to take that fake $100 bill and shove it up his ass. She said that Artie is nasty and he really should pick on someone his own size. She said he will never be happy no matter how many women screw him. Artie said ''bye cunt'' as she was about to get off the phone. She went off on him again and said that he doesn't have to end the call like that. Mariann said she'd like to talk to Artie's mother about the awful son she raised. She said a happy birthday to Jeff the Drunk since that's what she called in about.
Howard took another call from a woman but he got distracted when the Howard TV guys were showing Jeff getting all irritated in the green room. Howard said he knew they shouldn't have had Jeff down there. He knew that he was going to come down there and get upset. He told him that when he asked to come in. He didn't know why Jeff insisted on coming down there. Jeff said that this is the first year he's come down there on his birthday but Gary told him he was there just last year. Howard told him that they try to help him out and he just gets pissed off.
Howard asked Jeff if he wanted to have the doctor down there or not. Jeff said he did but he didn't like that they were treating him like an asshole. Artie said that never changes, they all treat each other like assholes. The woman on the phone made a sound so Jeff went off on her again saying that she was a cunt. The woman said she wasn't laughing at him but that didn't help. He still yelled at her. Howard doesn't know why Jeff comes down there because he always gets pissed off at them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he would send his driver over and send him to the hospital and give him $1,000 to do it. He said he'd even pay for the exam with his own money to help Jeff out. Howard liked what he was hearing and thought that Jeff should take him up on the offer. Dominic asked Robin what she thought. She said he needs to get it taken care of quickly but it didn't look like he was going to die imminently. Jeff said he would do it so Dominic said he'd send his driver down there. He said he's paying for the emergency room and giving Jeff $1,000.
Artie said that Sal had given Jeff a $5 bill and he scoffed at that. Howard said he's never met a guy more angry at people who are trying to help him. He said it was very nice of Dominic to set him up like that. There's only so much they can do for him though. Mike Gange said Jeff was threatening to leave because he was bummed out. Howard tried to get Jeff to stick around. He told him not to leave because they were going to get him some help. Jeff said they treat him like shit and he wasn't going to stick around.
Jeff was saying that they just fuck with him when he comes there so Howard asked him why he comes there then. Howard said the guy begs him to come down there and then he gets pissed when he actually shows up. Mariann from Brooklyn called back and told Jeff to stay there so he can get some help. She said she talks to him every day and he really should get help. Jeff told her to shut the fuck up. He said he now knows why Artie called her a cunt.
Mariann said that he's got to get this taken care of while he's there. She thinks that he'll be able to stay off of the alcohol once he gets the antibiotics. Gary came in and wanted to ask Jeff a question but Howard told him to lay off for now and just let him get his help. Artie told him that if he gets help, they'll make sure that Mariann stops calling him every day. She said she was going to bite her lip because this was about Jeff.
Howard said it would be cool if they found out Jeff was bitten by a spider on his ass and he was actually turning into Spider-Man. Ralph called in and said that Jeff has it made living in that trailer of his. He could live like Rockford from The Rockford Files and just pull up at a beach and live there. Ralph asked if they could post a picture of his ass on the web so everyone could see it. Howard said Jason may have already done that. He went to break after that.
Howard said that it's amazing that they have the medicine they have now because 100 years ago, that ingrown hair on their cock could have killed a man. Howard ended up talking about Bubba's surgery and what a mess that turned out to be. He had open wounds for a long time and his legs were all messed up for a long time.
Howard said he had KC on the phone and figured that the pussy was drying up for him. They were talking about how a guy doesn't have to be good looking to get hot chicks as long as they have a decent job. KC said that he'd like to throw Robin around a little bit. Howard said he heard that KC lost some of his looks but KC wondered who was saying that. Howard said he saw pictures of him that the guys brought back from California. He said he gained weight and didn't look as good as he did. Artie said he'd still rather look like KC with a little weight on him than look like himself. Howard said the guys told him that KC was looking puffy and had a double chin.
Doug said he saw one of KC's posters up at a comedy club and he thought that they had dancers at the club or something because his picture makes him look like a male dancer. KC figured he saw his picture up at a club down in Florida but Doug said he couldn't remember where it was. KC talked about how that one club put the poster up as a goof. Richard came in and said that he bought one of those posters as a goof too. While he was in there Fred played a bunch of the KC song parodies he sent into the show before he even started working there.
Artie said it's funny that KC used to come in and tell Howard how he had this creepy guy Richard calling in with in song parodies and now KC is the one on the phone and Richard is in the studio as a producer on the show. Artie said Doug has a joke about how you shouldn't feel bad for a middle aged person who kills him or herself because it's like sitting through a shitty movie, if you've sat through half of it and it sucks, there's not much chance that it's going to get great at the end.
Doug said he just turned 40 himself and he's feeling like shit. He said that no one ever says that they feel better the older they get. Artie said he used to love the social drugs he used to take but these days he just wants to do heroin and watch TV and forget about everything.
KC was on the phone to promote a couple of comedy shows that he's doing with the Killers of Comedy soon. He mentioned the gigs they have coming up. Howard helped him out and said that he's going to be doing some shows with Bob Levy, Richard Christy and others. Robin said that KC never shows up on time when he says he's coming somewhere. He was supposed to be at her race a few weeks ago and he didn't show up until hours late.
KC said that he's going to be having an after party at Scores in Los Angeles after the comedy show he's doing. Gary said he heard that KC pissed his bed recently. KC said he was in the bed and pissed in it and ruined his cell phone. Doug told Howard that he shit his pants three times one night. He said he was singing a song with his friends and tried emphasizing the song with a fart but it turned out he was shitting his pants all three times he tried to fart. He was singing ''My Prerogative'' and trying to emphasize the chorus.
Ralph called in and said that he saw KC a few weeks ago and he ended up getting arrested that day. KC said he was driving around this gay area of West Hollywood and ended up getting picked up because they thought he was there for other reasons. He was actually looking for a place that he was supposed to be at. Howard asked him what he was talking about. KC said he's got a couple of warrants out for his arrest and they thought he was suspicious driving around there. He said his cars have all been repossessed so he was driving his ''broad's'' car. Ralph said he told Howard that KC was looking ''different'' when he saw him out there. Howard wanted Ralph to say what he said to him. Ralph said he just thought KC looked misshapen and looked ''different'' than he used to. Ralph figured it was steroid use. KC said he is taking some steroids that will make him bigger and then take some that will knock it down.
Robin said that Ralph told her that KC looked like he was ''morphing'' or something. KC said he's not into that stuff for the long haul, he just wants to look like he does for another 10 or 15 years. The guys told him he could have looked good for 50 years.
The guys asked KC to finish this story about the arrest. KC said he kept driving back and forth looking for this building and he was told that's what gay guys do there in West Hollywood so he got pulled over. Ralph asked him what he was looking for. KC said he was supposed to be picking up his friend out there. Ralph asked him who it was and laughed as he was asking. KC didn't really have an answer. He said he got arrested for the warrants he had but got pulled over for cruising the streets.
Doug Stanhope said he got pulled over by the cops for stealing a bicycle one time even though it was his bike that he rode to the store one day. KC said that the guy he was looking for was a computer guy in West Hollywood. Howard let KC get in some plugs for some stuff he's doing. He mentioned the comedy shows he's doing with Bob Levy (RevBobLevy.com) and also a web site where you can see his TV show KC TV which is at PrimeTimeUnCensored.com
Dr. Jules put on his gloves and then Gary let out a yelp when he saw Jeff's ass up close. Dr. Jules said that he thought that it was something else but it's actually a giant boil or carbuncle. He said he saw enough and he really needs IV antibiotics. He said he's really got to do it or he could lose a lot of his skin and stuff. Dr. Jules also looked at the cysts on his head and also looked at the zits on his shoulder and something on his belly. He said that the thing on his belly was a skin tag but everyone has those. Jeff said that he was normal and he was fine.
Jeff said that he's had that ass thing since 1986 but Dr. Jules told him that he'd have a couple of months to live if he didn't get that taken care of. Jeff found that hard to believe. Dr. Jeff looked at the acne on his back and said it was just bad acne. Doug asked if the doctor could find anything on him that wasn't bad. There was no answer to that question, just laughter.
Dr. Jules offered to take Jeff to the hospital personally and he'd stay with him for the day to make sure he gets the care he needs. Howard asked Dr. Jules where he works. He said he's in the city and in Suffolk County. He said he's at 80th and Park Ave. in the City. Howard told him he might have to go to him because his dermatologist just retired. Artie said he'd hook him up with some tickets to his comedy show this weekend since he was going to be down in Miami.
Jeff started asking for stuff from everyone. He asked for Yankee tickets from Artie even though he had $1000 coming from Dominic Barbara today. Howard told Dr. Jules to call him tomorrow. Jeff reminded him he won't be there tomorrow so Howard said Monday then. Jeff started going off on Howard about taking Friday's off so Gary pointed out that they just helped him out with all of this stuff, and the fact that their taxes all go to pay him his SSI stuff.
Dominic said that it's going to take his driver about 45 minutes to get there. Howard said that's fine. They also said that they're going to send him down to Lennox Hill Hospital today. Jeff wanted to sing a song before he left but Howard just wanted him out of there. He sent Jeff and Dr. Jules out of there and spent a few more minutes talking about Jeff and how he won't forget anything he was offered today even though he's so drunk.
Howard gave Doug a plug for his Myspace page Myspace.com/DougStanhope and then brought in Steve Langford to do his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that Artie might be up for doing a TV show soon. He said they'll have more about that story today. Artie said that they're in very casual talks to do a half hour talk show on Saturday nights at 12:30am. He said he'd be doing sketches and stuff and it would be a lot of work. He said it could be anything from pre-taped bits or interviews or even a 10 minute monolog. He said he could do that in a coma, especially with 10 writers. He said Howard said he was smelling a diaster because of all of the work he'd have to do.
Artie said the talks are very much in their infancy. He said it could happen by Fall but he's not sure. They have to talk to a million different guys about it before it gets green lit. He said he'll get paid to do the development deal whether or not the show gets picked up. Doug said that he used to do the Man Show and he knows how tough it can be to come up with material like that. He said he never writes stuff out though. He just jots stuff on cocktail napkins and crap like that.
Steve Langford got back to his news preview. He said that they have a story about a strip club that has been posting Stern Show references on their billboards. They'll have more on that and about George Takei making an appearance at the Killers of Comedy Show out in Los Angeles this weekend. He also mentioned that they have more about this web site RileyMartin.tv.
Jon Hein ran down his Wrap Up Show stuff. He talked about all of the things they'll be talking about today on that show. They'll be spending some time talking about Jeff's ass and everything that went on with him. Doug Stanhope will also be a subject of discussion. They'll also be talking about KC's call and how Ralph backed off talking about how bad he thought he looked.
Mutt asked Howard if he is really planning on retiring after this 5 year contract with SIRIUS is up. He figures that Robin doing her own show might be a sign that it might be over. Howard said he thinks that it might be but he always lies to himself and he keeps doing more and more radio.
Howard took a call from a woman who suggested that they play the Alanis Morissette version of ''My Humps'' because she thinks its' really good. Howard said he'd play it if he had it in his computer. Gary said he'd get it for him in a few minutes. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Ralph asked what this guy Doug does and asked if he does anything funny. Howard said that was rude and he didn't need to insult his guest. He hung up on him after that. Artie told Howard that he can't take another year of doing this show after the 5 years is up. Howard said that he might move down to Florida at the end of this contact so he might have to do a show with everyone on ISDN lines. Howard said he loves Florida and he'd love to live down there. He said he might live down there part time and live in The Hamptons the rest of the time.
Artie said he thinks that Howard might give retirement a try for a little while and then come back. Howard said Fran Shea told him that he should have done that back when his K-Rock contract was up. He said he's been away from terrestrial radio for just over a year now and it's obvious that they still need him there. He could have retired temporarily and could have come back.
Howard said he really doesn't know what will happen at the end of this contract. He said it might just be time to go at that point. Robin said he shouldn't make any plans because he could fuck himself with a plan if he makes one. Howard said he's really happy doing a show there and it could be something that he'd continue doing. He said when it gets down to one year left, they'll all sit down and talk about it.
Artie said that the talk show he's talking about would only be 22 minutes of work on a network. He said that he's working 5 hours a day now and that 22 minute show looks really good to him. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Robin got back into her news and read through a bunch of stories. She mentioned that there's a North Shore Animal League adopt-a-thon this weekend so Howard said that Beth will probably be involved in that. Artie said that Beth should bring Howard, that way she could leave early. He was referring to Howard leaving Gary's party early last weekend.
Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show talking about the guests they had coming in today. He mentioned that Richard Simmons and Kimberly Taylor would be in. Robin said that people had been asking her where Richard had been lately. Howard said that some people call him the best guest they have on the show.
Howard talked about his weekend taping his WWOR TV show over the weekend. He told Robin he watched the taping of the show and he and the guys did really good and they have some funny stuff, they just have to fix some of it in post. He said that he and Dan Forman were checking out some of the footage and he's got some things to say during their meeting today. He needs to speak to some people over there about what's going on. He said he, Dan and John have to have a discussion.
Robin was going to talk about a party she went to and Howard said she's the one on the show who goes around and makes them look good by going out to stuff like that. Howard said that a couple of their listeners were appearing on some game shows lately. This guy Chris Christian was on Love Connection and tried to mention the show but Howard figured it would get cut out by the time it airs. He said the editing in those shows is pretty choppy and goofed on the way they handle that stuff.
Howard talked about the new season of shows they started taping over the weekend. He said he took home a screening copy of the show to watch in his screening room. He said the screening room consists of a 20 inch TV. He said he's got a friend who has a screening room that cost him about $75,000.
Richard came in and Howard claimed that he was putting deodorant on his penis. Richard made his rounds hugging everyone. Robin said that she smelled like him after she got her hug. Howard said that Richard spoils him and bought his kids some Barbie dolls. Richard said he promised to start that collection for them and he's keeping his word. Howard said he could buy them himself though. Richard said he probably couldn't afford them because he makes so much more money than Howard does.
Howard asked Richard for cash instead of dolls like that. Richard said that Howard could ask him for money anytime. Howard told him he would never do that and actually ask for money. He told Richard he should just send it along to him.
Howard asked Richard why the Barbie Dolls aren't fat like his clients are. Richard said he knew he was going to start in with him like that and asked him why he has to do that. Howard laughed and just kept going. Richard asked him to look at the Barbie dolls really close to see how nice they were. He said that they're porcelain and very beautiful. Howard took one and started to feel her up. He told Richard she had a nice ass and asked him if he's inspired to meet a woman after seeing these dolls. Richard laughed and showed off the dolls to everyone some more.
Howard said Richard tells him that there are only 300 of these dolls and that means that there are 299 other weirdos out there who collect the dolls. Richard said that they're about $1000 each. Howard said he gets the feeling that he bought all 300 of them. Richard jokingly said he did buy all 300.
Howard said he has been inspired to start his own Barbie collection after this. He said that Richard came over to his house and he was playing with his daughter's Barbie dolls within minutes of getting there. Howard said he doesn't believe that Richard really loves Barbie, he thinks he does it as an image thing. He watched Richard playing with the dolls and he was very rough with them. He said he was man handling them and not being very easy. Richard said his daughters don't know how to dress them right so he was just trying to help.
Howard asked Richard where he stores his Barbie dolls. Richard was ready to leave when Howard asked him if he stores them with his own bras and panties. Richard said he doesn't keep his own women's clothing. Howard told Richard he had to take a short break but Richard was talking about how much he loves Barbra Streissand. Howard said Richard asked him to sing a song with him but he didn't want to do that. He asked Richard if he likes her because she's got a nose like a penis. Richard started to walk out after he said that. Howard told him that he wonders about Richard sometimes and that's what made him bring up the nose looking like a penis thing.
Richard told Howard that he has quite a large nose himself so Howard said that must be why Richard likes him, it looks like a circumsized penis. Richard threatened to walk out but stuck around. Howard wanted to know what fragrance he was wearing this morning. Richard wasn't answering so Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard was talking about what a good businessman Richard is and how he can afford to buy those things because he makes those big ''blowtos'' dance for free. Richard threatened to walk out again. He told Howard about that time he was on his TV show with Michael Hebronco and he wanted to buy the show back because it's so embarrassing. Richard said they had just run it recently and it was so embarrassing to everyone who saw it. He said that Michael was so embarrassed by the show that he went out and binged on food because it was so depressing. Howard told Richard it was a lot of fun and that's all it was.
Richard asked Howard if he wanted to talk about the discussion they had about weight loss at his house. Howard told Richard he's already lost 10 pounds without using his Deal-A-Meal cards. Richard said that he could be helped by those cards but Howard told him the day he needs those cards is the day he shows that he's a weak individual.
Howard told Richard that they had Luke Perry on the show recently and asked him if he thinks he's cute. Richard said he didn't know who that was. Howard said he pictures Richard sitting around watching that show (Beverly Hills 90210) while he's nude. Richard said he never goes nude because he has extra skin on his body he doesn't want to show.
Howard said he pictures Richard walking around his apartment with his 10 Dalmations running around with their tongues hanging out. Howard told Robin he had an answering machine message from Richard that he wanted to play. Richard didn't want him playing it but Howard went right ahead and played it. Richard was asking Gary to pull some tape of one of Barbra Streissand's songs that he and Howard could sing together.
Howard was laughing his ass off so Richard said he would never leave another message on Gary's machine again. Richard told Howard that in 1965 he saw Barbra in Funny Girl five times and he fell in love with her back then. Howard told Robin that Richard is in love with ''Bob Streissand'' and pretended he hadn't made the mistake. Richard said he's been sending her presents and has asked her out many times. She has acknowledged him but he hasn't had the chance to date her.
Richard said he came close to meeting Barbara but he was afraid to go up to her when she came into the restaurant he was working in. He said that he's got over 1400 pictures of Barbra in his house and it's the largest collection in the world. Howard said it sounds like a complete waste of time to him. He asked Richard what he would do if Barbra was nude in a bed with her legs spread. Richard said he would faint if that happened. Howard asked him if he'd feel her up. Richard said he wouldn't be able to do that. He could never French kiss her because she's like Mother Theresa to him.
Howard asked Richard about going to a place where other men have left their juices and Richard got up to leave again. Richard insisted that he apologize. He didn't apologize and kept going, asking Richard about his obsession with Barbra. Richard said he's not obsessed, he just writes her and keeps in touch with her.
Howard belched and told Richard he had to fart. Fred played a fart sound and almost made Richard laugh. He continued to play a few more farts until Richard told him to stop. Howard told Richard about Robin's date with a guy from a soap opera. He wanted to show Richard a picture but Richard already knew who Richard Swan was. He said that he had dated him as well. He said Joan Rivers had set him up on a date with him. Howard said he must be joking about that. Richard said he did go out to dinner with him but Howard thought he was still kidding around.
Howard told Richard that he'll never get a date talking the way he does. He wanted him to talk like a man. Richard said he can't do that because that's not his real voice. Howard said that both Richard and Madonna are like the same person to him. He said he was watching Madonna's movie ''Truth or Date'' and she has this sincerity with the people she comes in contact with and it reminds him of Richard. She uses that sincerity for about 5 minutes and then leaves. Richard said he's not like that at all but Howard thinks he is.
Richard said he had to get going to get to a flight on the Concorde. Howard didn't think he needed that much time but Richard insisted he did. Howard cracked some more fat jokes and almost chased Richard out again. Richard said he just wanted to talk about Barbra Streissand and that's it. He said she is sacred to him and Howard has to know that.
Howard said that Barbra is a brilliant director but not such a great singer. Richard sounded offended by that comment. Richard asked Howard to play some of Barbra's songs that he was reading off a list. Richard would go into a few seconds of each song but wanted him to play the actual song. Howard played the song that Richard asked him to but Fred was playing some bad yodeling sound effects and then some vomiting clips. Howard said he'd rather listen to some Ringo Starr records over this stuff. He said he feels bad for Richard's Dalmations because they have to listen to this stuff.
Howard wanted to do the duet with Richard. Then he told Richard to look at his Barbie Dolls because they had their hands over their ears. Richard ran out so Howard played a little more of her song and had Fred playing fart sounds. Richard came back in for a quick second to grab the songs from the studio so he couldn't play anymore of them. Howard said he didn't know that he had an extra one in there. Gary came in a short time later and told him that Richard gave him the box when he asked nicely for it.
Howard got back to the TV show discussions and said that the camera positioning was really bad and so was a lot of the stuff going on in the studio during the taping. Howard said that their desk is rounded and that seems to be throwing everyone off a little bit.
Howard explained what was going on during the taping over the weekend and how the cameras weren't getting close-ups on the people who were speaking. He said they had the cameras on the back of Tony Bennett's head while he was speaking and he doesn't understand that. He said that's not even something they can fix in post production because they don't have a good shot to use. He said that's like basic TV stuff that they should know about. They should be taking one wide shot to cover their asses at all times.
Howard said he had been able to avoid watching the show until Sunday night but then he had to watch. He said there's some really funny stuff on the show but he can't see it going on. He said he's not sure whose fault it or how to make it work right. He said this must be his wretched life and he may have to quit his job before he has a nervous breakdown.
Howard said he's going to have to take care of the creative parts of his TV show and relieve his executive producer of his duties. They can be in charge of the technical part of what goes on in there from now on. Howard said that WWOR is putting a lot of money into this Clint Holmes show but he knows that it's going to fail. He said he doesn't know who Clint Holmes is but he knows that the show is going to fail. That guy is getting all of this great stuff for his show that he's been asking for for his show for a long time and they've never come through with it.
Howard said that his show is a hit show but they still don't get it over there that they should be supporting his show and not other shows that aren't going to be hits. He said he's been asking for a boom microphone for a long time now and they can't even make that happen. Gary came in and told Howard that Kimberly Taylor was there so they should get to her next. Howard said she's going to get naked for them and she may not even know it yet.
Howard spent a little more time talking about the Clint Holmes show and how it's going to fail right away but WWOR will stick with it way too long. He said Merv Griffin wasn't able to make it work and there's no way that Clint Holmes is going to make it happen. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
John told Howard that Jackie and his friend decided to masturbate in class when they were in 8th grade. Jackie said he talked about that one time but Howard said he had never heard that one. Howard asked Jackie a little about that but they didn't get into too many details.
Howard asked John if that was all there was to the story. John said that was it, there were no other details. Howard changed subjects and said that some guy sent him some spanking tapes so he thanked him for that. He read the description of the spanking tapes and then moved on to Kimberly Taylor.
Howard had Gary bring in Penthouse Pet Kimberly Taylor. He said she was only going to be in there until 8 o'clock because he didn't want to keep her in there too long. Gary took a while to get her into the studio so Howard complained about that. Gary blamed her because she had to put out a cigarette and then spoke to Stuttering John out in the hall.
Howard noticed that Kimberly changed her hair color. He talked to her about that and her boyfriend who was out in the hall talking to John. Howard also asked her about her marriage which didn't last too long. She said that he was her ''scape goat'' but she didn't use that properly so Howard complained about that and told her that she should know better if she's going to law school. She claimed that she wasn't in law school.
Howard wanted Kimberly to get naked but she didn't want to do that for him. He said that she gets naked at this Goldfingers club so she shouldn't have a problem doing it in there. Kimberly said this is a special place to strip at though and she doesn't do that at just any club.
Howard asked Kimberly what happened in her life that led to her stripping. She said that she was told how much money she could make doing that type of thing and decided to do that instead of stripping at bachelor parties. She said that she could make more money doing bachelor parties but she thinks that she might be able to raise up the amount she makes at strip clubs and make even more than the bachelor party nights.
Howard asked Kimberly about the parties she does and what she does there. She said people love her at these parties. Howard interrupted and said that he hopes that he comes back as a woman after he dies. He wants to go strip at strip clubs like Kimberly does. He asked her more about the Bachelor Parties and found out that no one is allowed to take pictures of her topless at the parties.
Howard gave Kimberly some plugs for her Goldfingers appearance and then talked about how he was thinking about her the other night when he was trying to get himself to sleep. He figured that he'd be able to get her if he wanted to. She said if they were both single, that could happen. She claims that she's never had an orgasm though so Howard told her that he could get her off. He said he guarantees her 7 orgasms if he were able to get her. He said he'd use a vibrator on her and he'd be able to get her off that many times.
Gary said that they just got a phone call and Sam Kinison was going to be stopping in later. He had just landed at the airport and he was on his way in. Howard said that Sam was supposed to be doing the Joan Rivers' show. He told Gary to go get Sam a case of champagne so he can have a few drinks.
Howard asked Kimberly to get naked for him because he really wanted to see her naked. He told Robin he'd forgotten what Kimberly looks like and wanted to see her again. Howard kept asking but Kimberly didn't want to do it. Howard said she probably has a big gut and cellulite under those clothes. She said she wasn't going to be completely naked at Goldfingers, she'd just have her boobs hanging out. Howard said that she'd better let something hang out there or the interview would be over.
Howard called Kimberly over to him and told her he wanted to spank her. She went over and Howard pulled up her dress. She said that wasn't turning her on though. Howard was ready to spank her but Kimberly wanted to spank him. Howard gave her one whack and then she told him to bend over and give her his belt. She kept telling him to bend over but Howard wasn't going for it. He goofed on her New York accent a little bit and then said that she had some pimples on her ass but said she had a nice ass.
Howard had Kimberly's boyfriend come in so he could check him out. He said the guy isn't even in good shape. He was blown away that this guy was getting her. He said he's not even that good looking. The guy said he's a nice Jewish guy who went to high school with Stuttering John.
Howard asked the guy where he met Kimberly. He said it was at a bachelor party. He said he's a stockbroker so he has some money. Howard figured that's how he got her because she wouldn't date anyone who didn't have money. Howard said this guy is a regular looking guy and he's a little shocked about that. He figured he'd be a Luke Perry looking type of guy. Kimberly said that those guys aren't good looking.
Kimberly explained how they met at this bachelor party. She said that he hit on her when she walked in and said he thought he knew her from somewhere. Howard asked the guy, Brett, if he was going to marry this girl. Kimberly was kind of wondering that as well. She said that she actually got married to another guy to get back at this guy. She told him that he ended up losing a lot of money out in Las Vegas one time and it turns out it was like $20,000. She didn't know it was that much so she let out a ''Holy shit'' that Howard wasn't sure if he was able to hit the delay on. He said the delay was dead when he hit the button and he thought it might have made it out on the air.
Howard asked Kimberly would say yes if Brett asked her to marry him. He also said that she would make a good mother and kind of laughed as he was saying it. He said that it would ruin her body if she did something like that though.
Howard found out from Brett that Kimberly is wild in bed so he said he would marry her if he could. He said he'd have to wear ear plugs to deal with her. He said he'd have to find someone to talk to her during the day so he wouldn't have to do it. He asked her if she would ever cheat on Brett. She claimed she wouldn't. Howard asked her if she would stay with him if he was in a disfiguring accident. She would do that and stay with him but when Howard asked Brett what he would do, Kimberly said she would kill herself if she was in an accident like that.
Brett said that Kimberly never lets him buy her anything so he doesn't think that she likes him just for his money. Howard asked Brett if he's going to marry this woman. Brett said he will eventually marry her but that pissed her off because he was saying that he would eventually do that. Brett asked her to marry him right then but she reminded him that she's already married and she has to get out of that first.
Howard told Kimberly that it was a pleasure to see her and started to wrap up with the two of them. He said that he wants to get some women who are willing to get naked next time. He went to break but during the commercial Kimberly let out another curse that kind of freaked him out.
Howard said that De Niro has a thing for black chicks so he's surprised that he didn't hit on her. Robin said he wasn't talking much at the party and kept his head down for a lot of the time. She said that no one knew who she was at this party. She said there are still pockets of the city where no one knows the show.
Howard said it really is like that out there in the city. Robin said that Robert left the party early without anyone and that was it. Howard asked her how her date was. She said it was fine. They went out to dinner before the party and then hung out at the party for a while. They went home at around Midnight. She said she went home after that but wouldn't say if Michael ever got to see her apartment or not.
Howard asked Robin if she invited the guy back to her apartment. She said she didn't but she did kiss him goodnight. Howard figured that she had to have done something with him but she claims that she's holding out. Howard asked her what she's holding out for. He said that she ran out of the TV show taping on Friday night and figured she was up to something. Robin said that they could have been out of there earlier if they hadn't waited to write something until the last minute. Howard said he was getting changed out of make-up for over an hour but she said that they were screwing around with other stuff too.
Robin was complaining but Howard and the guys figured it was because she was in love. Howard had her read some news stories after that so they could get that done before Sam Kinison showed up. Howard and Robin spent some time talking about the NY Giants and how they were doing. Howard didn't think they'd be able to turn things around no matter how good they were getting. Howard had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Robin read a story about the death of Miles Davis so Howard did an impression of him for a short time. He asked Gary if he could find some Miles Davis music to play. Gary said they should have some there at the station somewhere. He said he'd go find something for him to play.
Howard asked Gary to find a speech that was made by Quincy Jones about Miles Davis but Gary said it would take him about 20 minutes to find it. That led to Howard going off on him for not being organized better. He asked him how he stores tape of certain things on the show. Gary told him how he does it and he didn't like what he was hearing so he made some suggestions to make it easier to find everything they keep there.
Sam said that he and Malika had sex the night before for four or five hours and he was amazed that he lasted that long. Howard sounded like he was amazed that he was able to last that long. Sam said that Malika is so good that he was able to come to completion about four or five times in that four to five hour period. Malika said she lost count and wasn't sure how many times it actually was.
Howard got a hold of a Miles Davis album so he played some of that. He and Sam were goofing around saying that it sounded kind of like gay porno music. Howard and Sam were doing their gay impressions and creating a gay porn scene.
Robin got into some more news stories but Sam told her that since he was there, her news was over. Robin kept going though and tried to get in a few stories. There was some mention of a yeast infection during the news so Howard and Sam were talking about that. Howard told Malika that if she has that problem, she should drink cranberry juice to take care of it.
Robin wrapped up her news so Howard got back to Sam and said that his manager was there with him. He said he'd never met him before. Sam said that the guy's name is Magid so Howard tried to figure out where that name came from. Sam said that it was actually Palestinian. Sam said that Magid was in Vietnam so Howard wanted to ask him about that. He said he had a lot to ask him and to ask Sam since they hadn't seen each other in a long time.
Howard and Sam talked about how close they came to being sent to Vietnam. Howard said he knew he wasn't going though. He had to go to break right after that.
Howard talked about the last time Sam was there and didn't make it to Joan Rivers' show and David Letterman's show because of ''bad Chinese food.'' Howard told him he loves that excuse. Sam said his brother Bill came up with that excuse. Sam said that he had just overextended himself that day. Howard said that Pat Cooper thinks that he's making up excuses for Sam himself but that's not what he's doing. Sam said that he just made a bad judgment call, he didn't kill himself or anything that bad, he just missed a show.
Sam said that Joan is made at him for being the outlaw that he is so it doesn't make a lot of sense to him. Howard said that Sam was supposed to do Letterman that night as well so he asked what was up with that. Sam said that was a misunderstanding because he thought he had an extra 2 hours to get there. Sam said he spoke to Bob Morton over at Letterman's show and he told him they're fine.
Howard told Sam about shooting his TV show over the weekend and how he ended up showing his belly hanging over his belt. He said he's really got to lose another 10 pounds.
Howard said he thinks that David Letterman hates him but Sam doesn't think that's the case. Howard also asked him what he thinks about Mark and Brian now. Sam said that they are nothing and they didn't help him out with the Joan Rivers thing.
Howard and Sam talked about the whole Joan Rivers thing and how Howard was able to smooth things over with the two of them. Sam mentioned those two pussies Mark and Brian again so that led to them talking about how bad their TV show was doing in the ratings. Howard ended up playing some more Miles Davis music and went back into his gay impression while they were talking about this TV Show ''Rock'' that had some gay stuff in it. Howard had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard told Sam that his friend Doug (Bady) was on the show recently and told some great stories about Jerry Lewis. Sam said that guy has a great gig raising money for a disease that has no cure. They spent a short time on that and then Howard asked Sam about the TV show he was going to do for FOX. He was supposed to go in for a meeting but he ended up missing the meeting. Sam said he wasn't sure what the meeting was going to be like so he wasn't sure if he should bring a lawyer with him. They told him not to bring one so he figured that meant that he should bring one, but he didn't.
Howard spent some time talking to Malika about what it's like to live with Sam. While they were doing that Howard was playing some Miles Davis songs that all sounded alike to him. He and Sam got into some gay impressions again during that. Then Howard was playing the songs at the wrong speed on his record player and it didn't sound all that different to him. He was playing it at 33, 45 and 78 and it didn't make a big difference. He had to go to another commercial break after that.
Howard got back to Sam and Malika and asked them if they're going to get married. Sam said that they're going to eventually get married but they'll have to sneak away and do it instead of having a wedding. Sam figured that they'd leave someone out and they'd get pissed so they're just going to get married in Vegas. They almost did it but they had forgotten their IDs when they were out there last time.
Howard told Sam that he wants to have his bachelor party there and televise it. Sam said that he remembers Stephen Baldwin's bachelor party which was pretty nuts. Howard changed subjects again and got back to Sam and Malika's relationship. Sam had been cheating on Malika with her sister Sabrina so Howard said that every man fantasizes about stuff like that so it's not surprising that Sam was actually doing that. Malika said she knew Sam dreamed about that but she didn't know he was actually going to go through with it.
Malika said Sam came to her and told her about what was going on. Howard said he pictures Sam saying that he's going to go out to the video store and then goes out to his car, hops in and peels out as he's heading over to Sabrina's place. That led to Howard talking about the time he drove with Sam in his car and he was messing around with his 10 CD player while he was driving around. Howard said Sam was demonstrating how fast his car would go and was messing around with his CDs the whole time. He said Sam was probably even stirring his drink with his penis while doing all of that stuff. Howard also talked about how Sam had seen his billboard out on the Sunset Strip so he backed his car up to show him while they were in traffic.
Howard said that it must have been crazy for Sam to run out and get laid with Sabina while he was still with Malika. Malika said that he was never gone for very long so she must have been quick and not very good. Howard asked Robin what she thinks happened there. Robin thinks that Sabrina was cheating on Sam so he kicked her out. Howard asked Sam if that's what happened. Sam explained their relationship and how he had been with Malika for a year and a half before he did anything with Sabrina.
Sam said that he and Malika worked things out after they talked about what happened. Sam said that she's ended up with some loser now after meeting a bunch of rock stars. He said that's what really upset him, not the fact that she was seeing other guys. Howard said that maybe she's happy though. Sam said he wanted to see her do better than she's doing though. Malika was telling Sam that he was a bit of a scumbag himself for cheating on her. Sam thought that he was getting pretty beat up there by her going off on him like that.
Sam was saying that he and Malika had never really lived alone until they kicked Sabrina out. He said that they're really happy now. He said he was very nervous about telling Malika about what was going on but he knew he had to do it. Malika said that Sam was just thinking with the wrong head at the time. Howard told Sam that he must have had Schitzo-penia at the time. He said that Sabrina must have been caught in Sam's spell at the time.
Sam asked Howard to denounce Dice Clay like he denounced Mark and Brian earlier in the show. He thought that dice might be listening to the show and might use his material or something like that. Howard told Sam that he is the number one comedian in the country and he hurts him with those comments.
Howard got back to the Sabrina thing and talked to Malika about that. The affair went on for a year and a half so he kept bringing that up. Malika said she didn't understand why Sam was buying her jewelry and stuff. Sam told Howard how he sat Malika down at a bar one day and told her he had something to tell her. He was very nervous at the time so he had to have a few drinks before he told her what was going on.
Howard wanted to recreate the situation so he played some Miles Davis music. He had Fred playing some pouring drink sounds and stuff like that as well. Sam said he told Malika about how well she had treated him and then broke the news to her about cheating on her with Sabrina. Howard asked him if he was holding her hand because he was afraid that she was going to stab him. Sam said he was kind of worried and so was his brother. He said his brother Bill knew about what was going on and he was afraid for him.
Malika said she didn't want to destroy their relationship of being honest with each other so she didn't want to break up. She said she was hurt by the whole thing though. Sam said that she called Sabrina after that and had a discussion with her about what was going on.
Howard asked Sam if he thinks he can get away with more behavior like that after Malika forgave him for something like that. Sam said he realizes that he has a woman who really loves him and he wouldn't do that again. He said he made a promise to her and to himself not to do anything like that again so he won't. Howard said that this is a testament to love when two people can get over something like that. He also said that he wonders what Meg Griffin was thinking as she was hearing this stuff before her show.
Howard asked Sam and Malika how long it took for them to get back to having sex. Malika said she didn't remember but it may have been the next night. Sam said that they've had some wild sexual adventures so it wasn't surprising that they were back to having sex pretty quick.
Malika said that she wouldn't have had a big problem with Sam if he had cheated on her with another woman, as long as she wasn't family. That's the part that really hurt her. Howard asked Sam how many women Malika could bring home on one night. Malika said that they haven't really tried everything like that so there's still some chance of that happening sometime. Sam sounded pretty pleased about that news.
Howard asked Malika how she would pick up a chick in a bar or something. She said she wouldn't be all that blunt when he talks to a woman. Howard figured she'd just come right out and ask her to come home with them but she said she wouldn't do that.
Sam said that he was going to be doing a show at Jimmy's comedy club that night. That led to them talking about that club and some other comedians. Howard was still thinking about Malika bringing home chicks for Sam. He asked her if she would try to bring Joan Rivers home for him. She just laughed and said that he's horrible. Sam said he might do Joan if he had the chance.
Sam said that he'll be doing an all new show at Jimmy's tonight and he's sure that Dice will send in his writers to steal his latest material.
Howard and Sam got into the gay thing with the Miles Davis music again. Howard was saying that he and Sam got into a gay thing the night before after banging Malika a bunch of times. He was just joking around of course. He said he couldn't bang Malika in the same room with another man if he actually had that chance.
Howard told Sam he had done it again on the show today. He had revealed many things and he has unbelievable respect for him. He asked Robin if there was anything that they had missed in the news earlier. Robin said after Sam's stories, there was nothing she could come up with. Howard told Magid that he hopes he has fun with whatever he's doing.
Robin found a story about Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold so she told the guys about that. That led to Howard and Sam going off on her for a short time. Howard said that she seems to be screaming out for attention. He also said that Tom Arnold was out saying that he's a second rate radio guy. Howard said that Tom has done nothing with his life other than marrying some fatso.
Robin found a few more stories to go through before they ended the show. She whipped through a bunch of quick stories before Howard did end the show. Howard ended up talking about Sammy Davis Jr. and his wife. He said that Sammy ended up with no money and he's amazed that his wife didn't know about that. Robin said that he owed the IRS $5 million when he died and left that behind for his wife. Howard said he thinks that Sammy may have been injecting tobacco into his ass to hurry his death along when the end was near because he knew he wouldn't be able to pay off that $5 million. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:00am (Master Tape Theatre time).