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Howard started off the show saying that he saw the star of Heroes in the studio. George Takei was sitting in this morning. George congratulated Howard on two things this morning. He told him he was happy for his merger with Beth and the SIRIUS merger with XM. That led to Howard talking about how he got a card from Melissa Etheridge about his engagement with Beth. He read the note he got from her where she joked that she's not going to recognize her marriage since her marriage with her lesbian wife is unrecognized. Robin told Howard she was just joking around but he didn't seem to get it.
Howard joked that he was waiting for gay marriages to be recognized before getting married but Beth couldn't wait. He asked George if he's ever going to get married. George said that he and Brad are actually celebrating 20 years together already.
Howard talked to George about his role on ''Heroes'' and how great that is for him. George said that he is very happy that they get to speak scenes in Japanese on that show. He told Howard about some of the stuff he's been doing on that show. Howard told him that this show is possibly going to have the same kind of fan worship that Star Trek used to have. George said he's actually doing a convention soon where it'll be a Star Trek and Heroes convention. He said that Hayden Panettiere is going to be there with him. She plays the cheerleader on ''Heroes.''
George said he hasn't gotten to know too many people on that show because his shoots have only been one day each. Howard said he's actually gotten kind of friendly with the guy who plays the politician on the show, Adrian Pasdar. Robin told Howard that the guy who plays the father on that show was on ''Dynasty'' and played a gay guy on there. George said he's a real nice guy, he's bumped into him before even doing the Heroes show. He told Howard that he's shooting another episode soon.
George also told Howard that he's going to be doing this FOX improv show as well. He said it's a very funny thing that they do. He said they have no script, just an idea for the skit that they do. He said they will tell everyone that they're going to be in an operating room and they have to improv the whole thing. Howard asked George if he thinks that his appearances on his show have had an impact on that. George said that it absolutely does have something to do with that. He said that everyone tells him that they've heard him on Howard's show when he goes to do those other shows.
Robin asked George if he's upset he didn't start doing the show earlier. George said he did the show years ago and remembered waiting to come on and thought the show was very vulgar. Howard joked that Fred came to him and told him that he couldn't believe George was getting all of that work since he'd been on the show for 20 years and got nothing.
Howard told George that he thinks his role on that Heroes show is very good and he can see it growing into something bigger. He wondered if they signed him on cheap and got him stuck in a long term contract. George said that it's show by show but he thinks that they could improve the pay. He thanked Howard for what he's done for him after that.
Howard said he's not sure what to think but Fred seems to think that something is up. He said the sick season is bad but not ''that bad.'' Fred played Lou Reed's ''Heroin'' song so Howard got into that and listened before giving his thoughts on Artie.
Howard said he can't wait for Artie to have kids. They'll ask him and he'll have to tell them about his heroin use and stuff. Howard said he tells his kids how much he hated pot but did try it. He said his kids have asked about all of that stuff but he just tells them the way he felt about it. Gary said that you have to throw up some road blocks for the kids to kind of throw them off of that stuff.
Robin said that letting them know can kind of make them think that if Dad did it, it's okay for them to do it. Howard said he really doesn't know what to do with kids so he just goes with what he thinks is right. He said he doesn't know how to answer half of their questions. They're very emotional and he doesn't always know what to say to them. He asks them how they have time for feelings, he doesn't know feelings because he's too busy working.
Howard asked George if he's sad that he and Brad didn't adopt. George said they were already pretty well on by the time they met. He said he loves children. He brought his nephew to New York when he was a child and he wants to bring his nephew's children there now. Howard interrupted and asked George if he likes to kiss in public with Brad. George said they don't really do that stuff although he will grab his hand while walking down the street. He said Brad will pull away though.
Howard said he was out on Thursday night with his gay cousin and he was saying that if they're out they will hold hands in certain areas. There are other areas of the city that they're afraid of holding hands so they won't do it. George said that some people will get kind of hysterical when they see that stuff. George said it's a brave thing to do.
Howard said he was listening to the play back of the show where they had Martine Rothblatt on the show and Robin called him Siobhan at one point. Robin said that wasn't the case. She said that she was asking a question for Siobhan and it sounded like she was calling Martine Siobhan. Howard said that makes sense to him now. He didn't realize that when he heard it. George said he probably understood the mix-up. Howard said that's funny. He thought he heard it during the interview but didn't dwell on it.
Howard got back to Artie and said that he's got alarmingly fat lately. He said they have this special show coming up on Howard TV about Bubba's wedding. He said that show is going to air March 14th. He said they have tons of stuff in the show including a lot of interviews and behind the scenes stuff. He said that he was watching the show and Artie was at his heaviest and smoking a cigarette. He sees Artie eating all of this food lately and he knows that eating that much crap can make a person sick. He said Artie goes and works all weekend and doesn't regulate his work. He believes that Artie could very well be sick for real.
Gary told Howard that Artie didn't work this weekend though. George said that he's sat next to Artie and has seen him eating so much junk. He agrees with Howard about the bad food making someone sick. Robin said that Scott the Engineer is like that and he's hardly ever sick. Howard said everybody has a different constitution though. Gary said that Artie has been suffering more since they went to the 4 day work week. The more time he has off, the worse he seems to be.
Robin said that when a guy has to go out and find some tail, that can make it tougher on him too. Gary said that Artie doesn't have to go out to clubs and stuff. He met that girl he's been banging at one of his shows. Howard said that getting pussy used to keep him up late at night so he knows.
Howard said he couldn't get to sleep so he figured he could beat off to get to sleep. He timed it with the Ambien to get to sleep right after the beating off. George told him not to take that stuff but Howard said he had to or he would have been dead this morning. Howard said he really misses Beth when she's gone and he thinks there's something really wrong with him because of that.
Howard said he got his Ambien out and got out some porn. He said the movie he pulled out was called ''Believe It Or Not.'' He got that out, put the Ambien on the counter by the sink and timed it so he had about 15 minutes to beat off. He said one of the women in the movie had a face that could stop a car. He said he couldn't even beat off to her. He said the women eventually started eating each other out while working in this office they were in. He said the guy in the movie was just putting his hand on one of the girl's chest and stuff like that. That got George talking about how much he loves forearm hair. Howard seemed to get a little thrown off by that discussion.
Howard got back to his story and said he beat off and thought about throwing out his wet tissues and stuff. He figured he'd better do that before morning. He got up and threw them away. Then he cleaned up his porn and all of that. Then the Ambien kicked in and made him stop thinking about the chess game. He said he loves that stuff but he's got to be careful with it. George told him he should be doing exercise instead of taking the Ambien. He said you need something physically strenuous instead of drugs. Howard agreed with him and said all he did all Sunday was sit in front of the computer.
Howard asked Robin if she's glad the big bills are going away. She figured that she'll still have a big bill for the hospital thing. She said that was her last horse so after the big hospital bills, it will be going away. She said it was costing her thousands of dollars a month to take care of that.
King said that he hates when animals die. Robin said she got two new cats. She said they're Cornish Rex and she gave them the greatest names. She said they're two girls so Howard tried to guess at their names. Howard threw out a few names but didn't come up with the right ones. One is Brangelina and the other is Jennifer Aniston. She said she loves calling the cat Jennifer Aniston. Howard didn't seem to be too impressed with that but Robin said she loves it.
King asked Howard about the ring he got for Beth and if the diamond was enhanced or not. Howard said he doesn't know and didn't get into all of that when he bought it. King explained what it means and how he's pretty sure they wouldn't do that to Howard. Howard said Beth loves it so much so he doesn't care. King got back to Artie and said that they do random drug testing at his job. Howard said that's kind of funny, they drug test a street sweeper.
King said they caught a guy where he works last week. He said he and the guy were talking and they saw this black van coming toward them. King was telling the story but Howard told him to get to the point. King said the guy was taken by this van to get tested and they found that he was taking cocaine so they fired him. The guy was working there for 19 years and they fired him for using coke and all he was doing was raking. King said he was making about $67,000 for that job. Howard said he can't believe they'd do that to someone who had been working there for 19 years. They took away his pension and everything according to King.
Howard said that maybe they need to test Artie out with a urine test. King said that they had the tests within about a half hour after taking his friend away. Howard said they really need to do that with Artie. He took a call from a guy who said he saw Artie out at a car wash yesterday and he looked just fine. Howard wondered if the guy was telling the truth. The guy claimed he was but Howard still wasn't sure if he believed him or not.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that they should have Artie's hair tested. They can find out exactly how long ago he was using drugs if they test his hair. He's even willing to send over the test kit that will allow them to test him. Dominic said that some guys beat it by shaving their heads. If that happens, they can get some pubic hair or even arm hair. Dominic said the police department do the hair testing all the time. The urine tests have to be done within 48 hours.
Dominic said he has compassion for Artie and hopes that he's not on anything. They talked more about Artie a little more and Dominic said he hopes he's okay. Howard said he was watching TV yesterday and saw a commercial for a lawyer where they were talking about some obscure thing that a small number of people could have gotten from a certain place. He talked about how awful that is.
Howard took a call from Johnny Mo who said that he can't figure out what's going on with Artie. He said the guy is making tons of money now and he's not sure why he'd screw this thing up. George said that it just shows how much they all care about Artie. Howard wondered if he should call Artie and ask him if he'll submit to giving a hair sample. Johnny said he's pretty sure that Artie won't even answer the phone. He told him to make the call though. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Howard mentioned that George Takei was sitting in. That led to George talking about this movie he shot last month and he plays the ninja master in a movie that's kind of like a Charlie's Angels type of thing. He said the girls are cheerleaders in high school but they also fight crime. The girls also want to go to Harvard so they make money working at a strip club. Howard said it sounds like it might be an interesting movie.
Howard played a new song parody with clips of George's voice, laughs and throat clearing in it. He told George that was some singing right there.
Howard asked Debbie about her experience on the show and how much she eventually went with. He was pretty sure that she was an idiot and blew it by the end of the show. He said they must have a farm where they grow morons to play that game because they always get greedy and blow it. Debbie said she was up on stage and her heart was racing very fast. She told Howard that she couldn't tell them exactly what she ended up with on that show. She just kept telling Howard how great his show is and how much her family loves it. Howard told her to call back when she's allowed to talk about it. She said that won't be until April 16th. He told her this was dumb to call in and not be able to talk about it.
Howard asked Debbie what she thinks is going to happen if she talks about this show. She said that they threaten to sue for a million dollars if she talks about it. She just kept talking about what she wanted to do on the show so Howard hung up on her. She said she's been calling in constantly telling Gary that Howard told her to call in and he doesn't remember ever doing that. He said she called up saying something happened to her but then she claims she can't talk. He thought it was ridiculous that she couldn't talk but called in anyway.
Howard mentioned that he's been watching this new Battlestar Galictica show lately. He said it's not geeky enough watching that show but they run commercials during the show where you can vote on stuff about the show. He said he doesn't do that but that's a very geeky thing to do. He said if he actually did that stuff, he'd give Robin permission to put him in Revenge of the Nerds.
Eric told Howard that he did kind of have something cool happen to him a couple of weeks ago. He said he couldn't talk about it then but he can talk about it now. He said he went down to L.A. To a WWE Pay-Per-View event as a guest of Johnny Fratto. He started to talk about that but Howard cut him off and said he had to go. He didn't want to hear about that.
Eric told Howard not to hang up on him. He started to talk about the conversation he had with Mel Karmazin last week but Howard cut him off by hanging up on him. He had George give them a quick announce before going to break.
Lisa also mentioned that the top 10 countdown of the best songs from the music special will be on tonight at 7 on Howard 101. It's being hosted by Cousin Brucie. Howard went into his Cousin Brucie impression and did a little bit of the countdown as Brucie. Fred was playing barking sounds as Howard was doing that. Gary came in and said that Jon Hein, who produced the show, wrote up a script and they had to go through every line and ''Bruce it up.'' Howard went back into his impression and got winded as he was doing it.
Howard got lightheaded from the Brucie impression. He had to stop but went right back into it as he created a Cousin Brucie talking to George Takei impression. Then he brought up how Scott the Engineer picked the songs that he thought were the worst of the bunch. Howard said he can't wait to hear Brucie tonight, he didn't realize it was coming up so soon.
Howard went to the Scott the Engineer list of the worst performances from the show. The first clip was Duff from Guns N Roses performing a song live in the studio that sounded just awful. He played that one and the guitar was out of tune and so was Duff's voice. That was Scott's first choice. His second one was Elijah Blue who came in and performed a song called ''Carrying Over.'' Howard played some of that one as well. Howard played the third worst song on Scott's list which was Chyna Doll singing ''Holiday.'' Robin said that was a great song though. It wasn't horrible. Howard said that they could argue that it's the greatest song of all time. He played through the whole song and pointed out his favorite parts. He likes the part where she yells out ''You should be with your FAMILY anyway...'' That got Fred doing his Herman Munster impression.
The fourth worst song was Enrique Iglacias who performed ''Rhythm Devine'' live in the studio. Howard played a little bit of that to show just how bad that performance was. He wasn't able to hit the notes he was supposed to. Howard said the guy was a nice guy. Robin said he seems to have gotten out of the music business. Howard played a fifth song on Scott's list which was Motley Crue performing ''Afraid.'' It sounded to Robin like it was Scott's fault with the bad mix.
Jason picked David Lee Roth doing a medley of songs on the show as his worst pick. Howard played some audio of that performance and mentioned that CBS is probably upset that they fired Dave because he had higher ratings than the current morning team over there. He got back to playing that medley of songs that Dave performed and it was kind of sad. Robin said that's why she didn't want to see a Van Halen reunion. During that performance Howard points out that it didn't sound like Dave did much acoustic stuff. Dave goes into another song which didn't sound quite as bad as Panama did.
Howard replayed the song parody that they played earlier where they put George's laughs, comments and throat clearings into a Led Zeppelin song. Howard also asked George to give them a quick announce so George went into that. Howard said they were very smart to have gotten George as the announcer. They talked about the stuff George had just read. Fred had to admit that he was the one who wrote it.
George got in a plug for a book he read that he really loved called ''Blood and Thunder'' and compared that to Fred's writing of that announce he had just done.
Howard said there was a great ad for SIRIUS in the paper over the weekend. He read through the ad and they talk about the merger. They answer some questions about the merger and basically talk about how great the merger could be for both services. They're just trying to make their customer's happier. They answered a bunch of questions in that ad and it all makes the merger sound very positive.
The caller said that he's afraid that the merger is going to make congress nervous and Howard's name being brought into it could make things worse. Howard said that he'll step aside if that will allow the merger to go through.
Howard read a disturbing article about John Ashcroft and just how shady the government is. He said Ashcroft sent a letter to the Attorney General talking about how wrong he thought this merger was a bad idea. Then Howard read (Ashcroft offered services to XM - WSJ) that Ashcroft went to XM and offered to be their consultant. He was turned down but then was hired by the NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) and went to their side in this whole merger thing. He said he has no convictions and he's working for the side that paid him. Robin said he's using that position he's in as his hammer to hammer away at the competition and that's just wrong. Howard said that terrestrial radio is just terrified by the satellite thing because their product stinks.
Howard said he saw a poll in Us magazine where they asked women if they would marry Howard Stern. He wanted Robin to guess how many said no. She guessed 66 percent said no but Howard said it was actually 79 percent.
Howard said that Tyra Banks has started a new bit on her show called ''So What'' and it's very disturbing. They'll have a 400 pound woman on the show and basically say ''so what'' and tell her that's fine to be 400 pounds. Howard played a clip from her show where Tyra talks about how brave everyone in the audience is by wearing their weight on their chest. Howard said a bigger bunch of lemmings you can't find other than at Oprah's house. He said this is backwards thinking at it's best. Howard said that Tyra should be wearing a sign that says that she's just an unhealthy pig. He continued to play the clip where Tyra tells the fatsos to embrace their bodies and stop obsessing on their weight.
Robin said that this woman made a living from her looks and now she's telling them it doesn't matter. Howard continued playing the audio from Tyra's show and pointed out how crazy the cheering was on that show. He asked George if he could scream like the women on that show. George let out a couple of screams that weren't very far off. Howard would throw out a line and George would scream at the top of his lungs. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Tyra has her audience yelling out their weights like they're proud that they're over weight. That got George and Robin talking about how unhealthy that is to think that you can be very overweight and be proud of that. It's unhealthy thinking according to them. Tyra spoke to one woman who said that she was thinking of killing herself because of her weight but she read an article that Tyra was involved with and changed her mind.
Howard played another clip where the audience members got up and talked about being fat and ''so what'' for each thing they said. One woman said her thighs rub together, so what. Howard read that Tyra has a ''so what'' bracelet that she gives to her audience members. George threw in a ''I can't breathe, so what'' pointing out what being overweight can mean to people.
In one clip Tyra was bragging about being the first black woman on the cover of Sports Illustrated. That led to the guys talking about how she's barely black, she looks like a white woman with dark skin. Howard took a call from a guy who said that his wife is over 250 pounds and she's been watching that show so she's giving him the ''so what'' thing. He wondered if she should be putting up with that crap. Howard told him that he shouldn't and maybe he should be saying ''i wipe feces on my face, so what'' to his wife.
Howard got back to the Tyra show where she's going on and on about how her cover of SI empowered other women. She also talked to another woman who told her how great she was and celebrated her as if she was something special. Gary said they went back and looked at the cover of SI and saw that she wasn't even on it alone, she was on the cover with a white woman.
Sal came in and said he was just in the bathroom so he didn't know what the question was that they were trying to figure out the answer for. Howard told him that they were wondering about the Africa question and where the slaves came from. Sal said he didn't quite have it but Fred had looked it up and it was the west coast area of Africa.
Howard played another clip where Sal asked who the first black Major League Baseball player was. The black guy didn't know, he thought it was Hank Aaron. Howard said this guy was a dumb motherfucker. Sal asked him who popularized the term ''black power.'' The black guy thought it was James Brown.
Howard said there was an article in Blender magazine where they talk about why James Brown was a great man. They had a list of things about Brown and his wife that were pretty wild. His third wife once claimed diplomatic immunity because she was with the ambassador of soul. Howard thought that was pretty funny and told everyone about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw the Anna Nicole Smith funeral and it was kind of like watching a redneck event. He said it was pretty bad. That got the guys talking about the death of Anna Nicole and all of the stuff that's been going on with that. Howard said that he feels bad for this Larry Birkhead guy because if that kid is really his kid, this is like a kidnapping with Howard K. Stern. George said he thinks that Howard K. Stern is a ''sleezoid'' and really doesn't like him. Howard said he knows, they've had that guy on the show before.
The guys talked about how they may never know who the real father of that baby is. The caller on the line asked Howard what Mama Lookaboobooday would have to say about that Tyra Banks stuff. Howard told the guy that he was off today and wouldn't be commenting on that story. He had to go to break after having George give them another announce. George talked about Howard's engagement to Beth and the nice ring he got her. George asked Artie for the diamond he bought for Dana and asked his cuddly love muffin to help him out.
Cabbie was supposed to be in the contest but he's got other things going on so he can't be involved. That led to Cabbie telling people about why he can't be in it on ''the boards'' so Joey Boots already knows that he's going to be out of it because Cabbie isn't part of it. Gary said Cabbie can't keep anything quiet and just goes around telling everyone everything that goes on.
Howard had the guys bring in Cabbie so they could talk to him about all of that. George was suggesting that they have Richard Christy fill in for Cabbie instead. Cabbie came in and Howard said he had gotten really big. Cabbie said that Gary was wrong about this stuff. He said he brought this up with Artie back in November and said he wanted to do a weight loss challenge thing. Cabbie said that Shuli was out there accusing him of blurting out show information on the boards and he was all worked up over that. He had to drink some water and try to calm down.
Cabbie said that he didn't even know that Joey Boots was in the contest until he spoke to Gary. Gary said that he did go out and post information from their conversation on the web. Cabbie said he didn't post stuff from the conversation, he posted that stuff before the conversation. Gary said Cabbie was begging to be in the contest and this all came about because he's not allowed to be in it.
Cabbie claims that he put this offer out back in November and when they didn't respond, he had to go out and do stuff on his own. Howard asked him if he was on meds or something. Cabbie said he is but this stuff is so small compared to the other stuff he has going on in his life. Howard asked him if his TV set is talking to him again. Cabbie said he's not smoking crack like he was back then.
Howard asked Cabbie if he thinks that Artie is back on drugs. Cabbie said he thinks he's got issues but it's not his place to say anything to him. He said Artie has to figure things out on his own. He said Artie being out of work is addict behavior.
Shuli came in and said that Cabbie was on the boards telling people that he was going to be on the show on Monday and he was gloating over that and other stuff. Cabbie told Shuli that he's been doing this game a long time and he doesn't know what he's doing. He pointed out that Cabbie was on the boards bragging about being on the show but maybe he should have been bragging about doing his radio show once a week on SIRIUS. Cabbie threatened to eat Shuli's nose off his face and wanted to take him outside and beat the crap out of him.
Cabbie said he's got something good going on now. Cabbie said that he's on this weight loss program and then Gary told him he wasn't supposed to plug it on the air there. Cabbie said that he did agree not to bring it up but he knows that Gary told Joey Boots that he was doing that so he wasn't going to be part of that whole thing.
Howard got a hold of the post that Cabbie had made and read a little bit of that. It was from early Sunday morning before he and Gary had spoken on the phone. Cabbie posted that he wasn't going to be able to participate in the contest. Gary thought Cabbie was using part of their conversation but Cabbie said it was posted before their conversation.
Joey Boots called in and said that he knew that Cabbie was doing the other thing when he saw the link in his posting. He said Gary never told him exactly what Cabbie was doing like Cabbie was accusing him of doing. Cabbie got in a few plugs for that product he was promoting during the conversation even though Gary had asked him not to plug it. Cabbie goofed on Joey about being on welfare, which Boots denies, and kept goofing on him. Cabbie kept mentioning the product, MyI57.com and Gary kept telling him not to plug it.
Cabbie said that he was really depressed for a while so that's why he gained so much weight back. He asked Howard to please ask Shuli to leave because he talks shit and he didn't come there to hear it. Shuli said that it's ridiculous that Cabbie is denying that he's gotten a lot of help from the show. Cabbie said he doesn't deny that. Shuli and Cabbie went back and forth arguing over each other about that stuff but even Robin wasn't sure what it was all about. She had no idea what they were arguing about.
Gary asked Cabbie about the porn video and if he went on the Ron and Fez Show and offer to sell the video to the Opie and Anthony show. Cabbie said that's not true but Gary said he had a lot of people write him telling him that's what happened. Cabbie wanted to hear the tape or see a transcript.
Cabbie said he's working over at Free FM and he's got to kind of be on their side in things. He said he was asked to go on that Ron and Fez show before doing his shift over there. He said he talked about how he was going to be on after their show and they brought up the porno movie. He said he talked about that but Gary wanted to know if he apologized for it or said he wasn't sorry he had done the porn movie in Howard's old studio. Cabbie said he is very sorry that Howard felt betrayed by that porn movie. Gary interrupted and asked Cabbie why he would ask Howard if he could still sell the tape if he really was sorry. Cabbie said he was just joking when he asked Howard if he could sell it. Cabbie claims that he never said that he wanted to sell the tape to Opie and Anthony.
Cabbie admits that he did something stupid by filming that porno in Howard's studio. He felt like an ass after doing it. He tried explaining how all of that came about but they got on the subject of him not paying his taxes and Cabbie went off on Shuli about that. Shuli was sorry that he did the benefit for Cabbie after going through all of this. Howard said that Shuli went and did the show after being asked to do it by Bob Levy and Artie. He wondered why he would be mad at him after all of that. Cabbie said that Shuli just rubs him the wrong way. Shuli said he's going to be in his face all day as a reporter. Cabbie told him to come over to his house and maybe he'll just fuck him in the ass after breaking him so he can't run away.
Gary asked Cabbie what the real reason was for not releasing the porn video. Cabbie said he was embarrassed by it. Gary thought that maybe someone had spoken to him about it and warned him not to release it. Howard heard that's what the case was but Cabbie said it was just his embarrassment. He said he went to Tom Chiusano over at Free FM and apologized for it over there.
Cabbie said he's got some good things coming up and he's doing a TV show but he can't talk about that stuff at this point. He's got his job over at Free FM and the job there at SIRIUS too so he's doing good. Cabbie said that Tim Sabean asks him why he doesn't come by more often. Cabbie said he's just not there very often. He was also bragging that he was bringing this new sponsor to Howard's show but Shuli pointed out that it hasn't happened yet. Cabbie said they will buy advertising thanks to him. Shuli asked Cabbie if he tells Ron and Fez how much he misses Howard. Cabbie said he never trashes Howard on the air. Howard told Shuli it was enough and told him to leave the studio. Shuli told Cabbie to go sell out as he was walking out.
Cabbie and George talked about the gay thing since Cabbie was complaining about Shuli calling him a fag. George told him not to let anyone call him that. Cabbie said he doesn't care, they can call him whatever they want. Cabbie had shaved his head so Howard asked him what was up with that. Cabbie said he did it after Britney Spears did it just so he could try and get on the cover of the NY Post.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and told Howard that Cabbie really loves him. He said it seems that Howard will do anything to stay friendly with Cabbie. He doesn't boot Cabbie out of there even after seeing Cabbie in his studio with the OJ mask being violated by Ron Jeremy. Howard wondered how Cabbie could have done that to him if he was a friend of his. Cabbie said he was sorry but Howard told him that the apologies were kind of empty. Howard told him that he had won and was still his friend even after doing all of that stuff.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Cabbie is full of shit when he talks about this Gulf War Syndrome thing. Cabbie said this guy doesn't know his story and told him to go on with his nonsense. Howard kind of cut him off and said that Cabbie does make some poor decisions in his life. Cabbie said he knows that. He also talked about how he knows he has a lot of issues and he's had them for a long time.
Cabbie and the caller talked about the Gulf war a little bit. The caller was in the service and claimed that his disability isn't all that bad and it's nothing compared to others. Cabbie said that this guy doesn't know his story and he can't tell him he doesn't have the history. Cabbie started to talk about the stuff he's gone through in his life that made him the way he is. He sounded like he was starting to cry so Gary got on his mic and gave him a ''WAHHH!'' Howard told Gary to cut it for a second, he didn't want him doing that to Cabbie. Cabbie continued talking about the stuff that he went through.
Gary came in and said that Cabbie does talk about this stuff on the show whenever he comes on. Cabbie said he doesn't do that. Then he talked about how he was huffing gas and smoking crack as a kid so he's been through a lot of stuff. Cabbie said that no one knows what rolls around in his head and they shouldn't be commenting on him. Cabbie said it really bothers him when someone like Shuli comes in and talks shit about him. Shuli returned to the studio and said he wasn't going to say anything but he brought his name up again. He said they've heard all of the stuff about him in the military before.
Jessica Hahn called in and told Cabbie he sounded like a cry baby talking about his mommy and daddy hitting him. Cabbie said he was only talking about it because he was asked about it. He also claimed that he wasn't faking the crying he was doing like Shuli thought he was. Fred said that everyone was kind of looking past the fact that Cabbie was adopted. They're coming down on him really hard.
Howard said Cabbie exhibits poor decision making in the stuff he does. He's mentally ill. Cabbie admitted that he is. Howard said he's got a lot of things that he has to work on. Howard said Cabbie has done a lot of stuff for the show over the years. Cabbie started to cry again and said he really appreciates that he's been allowed to work near Howard. He said he knows he's a legend and he knows he fucked up and shot that porno in the studio. He said he's going to regret that for the rest of his life.
Howard said that he can give Cabbie a pass here and there. He's always good on the show and makes it entertaining. He said he knows that Cabbie is mentally ill and he thinks that's why he makes these bad decisions. He said because of that, he wants to keep him coming to the show. Robin said she's also mentally ill but she hasn't gone to therapy in years. Howard said that Cabbie has been pretty exemplary to the show over the years. He said he's not sure how many more fuck-ups he can take but he knows that he's working on his problems. Robin wondered if he learns from his mistakes. Howard isn't so sure about that. He said his trust is already broken with Cabbie so he has to watch himself now.
Robin wondered if Cabbie has ever made the same mistake twice with them. Howard said he doesn't think that's the case. He seems to learn. Howard wrapped up with Cabbie and told him he hopes that he gets more shifts there at SIRIUS. Bob Levy called in and asked Cabbie why he always has to ask why people are talking shit about Vets when they attack him. He also told Cabbie that Shuli helped him out at that fund raiser thing so he really shouldn't attack them like that.
Cabbie said that the message board over at SternFanNetwork.com is kind of a problem. If you say something negative about someone, you get booted out of there. He said that's not freedom of speech and that's what Howard promotes. He said that he loves the site but there also other sties out there that let you say anything you want. He said he goes on TheSternShowNetwork.com where you can say anything you want. He also got in a plug for that weight loss thing he was talking about earlier before Howard wrapped up. George Takei let cabbie know that if he just lost a little weight, he'd be a hunk. Howard went right to break after that.
Howard had a Star Trek trivia question for everyone. He asked what the name of Sulu's child was. Fred guessed that it was Houdini because any kid that came from a gay man has to be a magician. George said that child was from Sulu, who was not gay. Howard said the kid was born in 2270. George gave Robin a clue and said the first letter of the name was D. Robin still didn't know the name. She guessed a couple of times but didn't get it. George told her it was actually Demora.
George explained how someone wrote a book about how that character came about and how Sulu had knocked up a broad in a one night stand with a ''Glamazon'' woman. George said that he finds out the history of his character through movie scripts and novels. He explained how the woman Sulu knocked up was Amazonian in stature and she was going to have that baby no matter what.
Howard said he wants to go to a Star Trek Convention and stand behind him in full Star Trek uniform. He just wants to stand there and not say anything. Captain Janks called in and said he had the answer to that trivia question but they had already done it. Howard told Janks to come up with a question for George then. Janks asked him a question about Tuvok and asked how old he's supposed to be. George said that's a little far out there for him to answer. George said he's not sure of that one. Howard said he would like to be at the conventions with George so he could phaser them during questions like that.
He took another call from a guy who asked if he's a man or a woman. He said it seems like he likes to get fucked by the people who work with him. He pointed out that Cabbie posts pictures and stuff from that whole porno thing and screws him over. Howard said he forgave Cabbie about that stuff and he hears other things about him and they turn out not to be true so it's all one, big mess. He said he does believe that Cabbie is very, very ill with that mental illness of his. He doesn't really trust him anymore though. He said he can forgive some people and not others.
Fred said he thinks that Howard was very fair with Cabbie and with some people you just let that kind of stuff go. Howard and the caller talked about that whole thing for a short time. Howard said in this case he's forgiving Cabbie and that's the way he thought he should handle it. Howard said Cabbie is not a bad guy, he's just mentally ill and can't make good decisions.
Sal said he called two people who were selling Nissan Sentras and put them on the line together. Then one guy freaks out so Sal calls a third guy who is selling the same car and puts all three of them on together. Howard played the call after Sal explained it to him. In the call the two guys with Sentras have no idea what's going on. One guy hangs up after he went nuts so Sal called him back and put him on with another guy. Howard told Sal that was a good call. Robin agreed of course.
There was another clip from back stage at the comedy show where Bob Levy was trying to get Beetlejuice to say ''Act like a man'' from The Godfather. Beetlejuice wouldn't repeat that line, he kept saying other things instead. Sal told Howard that Beetlejuice talks to himself in the bathroom so he taped him doing that in the airport bathroom. Beet doesn't even know he's doing it, he just talks to himself about a bunch of things while he's peeing.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice's pants fell down when he was walking through the airport. Shuli said they went through security and the woman told him that his balls were hanging out so Beet asked if she wanted him to put them in her cup. He also had three t-shirts in his pants trying to hold them up by stuffing them. Sal also said that Beet was drinking a diet Coke telling him that it's better for him. Then he's ripping open 4 packs of sugar and pouring them into the Coke. Beetlejuice also gets upset when fans want to take pictures with him and actually chased a guy down after he took a shot.
Shuli mentioned that stuff will be in the news and also asked Howard if he knows what today is in Howard Stern History. He said it happened in 2001. It turns out it was the final walk out for Jackie the Joke Man. He left the show this day in 2001. Howard said it's hard to believe it's been 6 years already. They also pointed out that Artie was out on this day, 6 years later, so maybe they need to find a replacement for him.
Howard went to Jon Hein who gave a rundown of what they'd be covering today on The Wrap Up Show. He mentioned Artie's absence from the show and George Takei sitting in. They'll have George sitting in on the Wrap Up Show. They'll also be talking about Cabbie's visit to the show. Howard said he was talking to Jon last night on the phone after Jon asked him about how he had screwed up a chess game of his own. Howard went over that with Jon and tried to help him out. That led to George saying the hasn't played in a long time and he'd like to get started again. Howard told him to go to ChessClub.com and download something called Blitzen which will allow him to play online. Howard joked that after he and Jon talked about that, they got stuffed into a locker.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him how funny the Howard TV Episode was where Sal was dancing around with the Gary mask on. Howard said it really is something you have to see because it's not the same on radio. The caller asked if he could get a tour of the studio there. Howard asked Gary how booked up they were. Gary said they had about 8 guys booked already. Howard said that this was going to be the last guy then.
Howard read some e-mail and found one where a guy claimed that every car he tows for AAA has SIRIUS in it. He also got some feedback about Mel Karmazin's testifying last week. There was one guy who said Mel looked like an older Baba Booey. Howard said he knows Mel did a great job and he's very proud of him for that. He also read some mail about Martine Rothblatt, the inventor of SIRIUS, who was in hast week. People thought that she was very good on the show.
Howard said someone asked if they were going to see Artemis Pyle on the show anytime soon. Howard said he's pretty sure they'll get that up eventually. There was also some e-mail feedback about Andrew ''Dice'' Clay's visit last week. Someone wrote in and told them to make sure they hold on to Riley Martin no matter what it costs. There was also some feedback about that religious guy, Bill Keller, who was on last week. A lot of people thought it was a good interview. Howard said they may give him a show and maybe let him talk to the Wack Packers about their problems. Howard read some feedback about Richard talking about picking his nose. People weren't so thrilled about that or his other hygiene issues.
Howard mentioned that Heroes is going to be off the air for six weeks starting in April and then they're going to end up going up against Dancing with the Stars. Howard doesn't think they have anything to worry about as far as the ratings go but they are worried according to what he read. Jon Hein said that tonight is the last episode of Heroes before they take their hiatus. They're going to be off for six weeks and he's thinking that they may do even better after that. They're replacing that show with the improv show that George is going to be part of for that six weeks that they're off. George mentioned that he was told to practice up on his Samurai Sword skills but he's not sure how they're going to use that in Heroes.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to pitch a business idea to him but he couldn't take the guy's accent. The guy said he wanted to meet with Gary off the air and wouldn't say what it was. He had some other news for them and joked that the Pope was for the use of condoms after seeing some pictures of Sal and Richard. Howard didn't think the joke was funny and also thought his accent was fake so he hung up on the guy.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She went through a bunch of stories and then Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am. He ended up starting a commercial but coming back to play a little preview of the Cousin Brucie special they're running tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. Howard had some fun goofing on his delivery for a short time after that. This time he put some echo on his voice to match what Cousin Brucie was doing with his voice.
Howard started off the show saying he was having a hard time keeping track of everything in his computer. He had a ton of things to get to and said any radio show would love to have the back log of bits that they do. He went on to introduce George Takei who was sitting in all this week. Howard said he started watching Heroes last night but only got about half way through it. George appears in that episode. Howard had him do an announcement for them before moving on. George was talking about Beth's engagement ring and asked Artie if he still had his diamond because he'd like to have one as well.
Artie was back after being out sick yesterday. Artie said that he just realized that the only guy who didn't abandon him is someone with balls. Howard asked George if he's got a dog because Artie doesn't like dogs. He never liked Dana's dog too much. Robin asked Artie not to be out sick anymore because it causes a lot of controversy. Artie said he's not surprised with his past. He said he hears from a lot of people when he gets sick and doesn't show up for work.
Howard said he took a load of shit yesterday talking about how he thought he might be really sick. He knows that Artie is out of shape and probably gets sick from being overweight and unhealthy. Howard said Robin told him that she feels there's something going on there other than him just getting sick. Fred felt the same way. Artie said that Fred also said that he liked the Dice show. Fred told Howard to hold onto that clip for the next time Dice is on. Artie said he just needed a come back, he didn't have a problem with Dice's show.
Robin said that Benjy was saying that Artie doesn't miss work when he's on heroin, he only missed work when he was trying to get off the stuff. Artie said that's true. Howard said he might be kind of blind to that and is kind of naive when it comes to that stuff. He can't see Artie falling back into that again. He asked Artie if he is on heroin or not. Artie said he is not, he was genuinely sick. He said he's had a bad cold for most of the winter that he can't get rid of. Robin wondered where his cough and sniffles were. Artie said he's on a cough suppressant so that's why he's not coughing. He's got a cough spray and may have taken too much of that.
Howard asked Artie if he worked this weekend. Artie said he didn't work and slept almost all weekend. He woke up at about midnight on Sunday and just couldn't make it into work on Monday morning. He said he called Gary while he was on his way into work. He figures that Gary is kind of upset that he answers because he doesn't get a voice mail that way. They can't goof on him if he does that.
Howard told Artie about the hair testing they wanted to do on him. Artie said they can take the hair if they want but he's afraid of seeing what kind of drugs they're going to come up with when they test it. He figured that they'd be able to tell everything he's ever taken that way. George asked Artie about his forearm hair because yesterday he was talking about how turned on he gets by that hair. Howard played a clip of him talking about his first gay experience with a camp counselor and how his forearm air was golden and on a tanned arm. He said he gets turned on whenever he sees that kind of hair. George was 13 at the time and the camp counselor was 18.
George said he had to clarify something. He said he was talking about how he was the fertilizer that made his career but some people took that wrong and thought he meant that he was shit. He meant to say that he was the nourishment that got his career going again.
Howard was playing some Tyra Banks ''So What!'' audio clips from yesterday's show. He had to explain to Artie what that was all about. On Tyra's show she was telling people that even though they were 400 pounds, ''so what.'' Howard said that when his thighs were rubbing together, Robin told him he was in trouble and he needed to do something about it. Howard had a few clips from Tyra's show that he played. They had also recorded some of their own clips where they had women talking about their bodies and saying ''so what'' after claiming that their ass cheeks hung over the side of the toilet and things like that. Artie said that he's a heroin addict, so what!?
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she thinks that Artie would walk off the show if they took his hair to test it. Artie said he was saying no earlier when they were talking about it. He wouldn't want people to know about all of the stuff that he's taken in his life. He said it would be too depressing. Howard said he's heard from some people that Artie is back on something but he's not sure if that person is right or not. He said it's really not his place to say anything to Artie. He did ask him to swear on the life of Grandma Caprio that he's not on anything. Artie swore on his grandma that he's not using any type of drug at all. Other than the over-the-counter stuff he's on for his cold, he's not using any drug.
George asked if Artie has ever lied before. Howard and Robin told him that Artie has lied before. Maybe he's not lying now. Artie said that his grandma actually has a little pneumonia right now so it would be a bad time to swear on her life.
Artie missed the show yesterday so Howard and George were filling him in on the Cabbie story. They talked about Cabbie crying and some of the stuff they went over during that interview. Cabbie was acting kind of strange with his crying and they found out that he used to huff gasoline fumes back then.
Jessica said that she still thinks that Artie has a problem and she wants them to test him. She doesn't think that he's going to go for it though. Artie said he really doesn't need to go back and find out about everything that he'd done in his life. Artie was under the impression that the hair test could tell everyone what he's done in the past 25 years.
Artie said that yesterday he could have taken off the 25th anniversary of John Belushi's death. Howard said some people picked up on that in the e-mail and told him that might be the reason he was off. He read through some e-mail about that. Artie interrupted and said that he would go into a rehab center for 28 days if they wanted him to. Robin said she was watching Artie chowing down like there was no food in America yesterday. He looked like he was choking himself according to Robin.
Jessica said that it was pretty huge that Artie was saying he would go to rehab for 28 days. Howard asked him why he doesn't just go to a psychiatrist a few days a week. Jessica said this is huge and people rarely say stuff like that. Artie said he would do it just to get some more rest every day. He could wake up later every morning if he's in rehab.
Howard read through more email and people are saying that he has a problem and someone has to do something about it. Someone thinks that Artie wanted out of his contract so that's why he was missing work. One guy said Artie is constantly complaining about the hours he has to work. Artie said that part is true. People are finding Artie annoying when he complains about the hours. Howard said he complains about the hours himself. Howard continued to read through the mail and found one where a guy claimed that Artie has joined Al Qaeda and he's training on his days off. There was one email where someone picked up on the anniversary of John Belushi's death.
Artie said he doesn't think that anyone is happy with the early morning schedule. Howard said that's true. They all complain about it. He went on to say that he and Gary had a conversation about Artie last night and Gary was hearing from some people who claimed that Artie was back on drugs but he didn't dig deep and find out if they had any proof.
Robin said she didn't know Brucie and thought that Howard was making up a lot of that stuff but it turns out that he's spot on with the impression. Howard said Brucie was working with Jon Hein on the special and he warned him that he was going to sound like he screwed up a line but it was just his Brucifying the show. He played the clip and Brucie is talking up the AC/DC ''You Shook Me All Night Long'' but said ''You Shook Me All Night Lange'' and then corrected himself. That was a mistake he made on purpose.
Robin was amazed at the amount of echo that Brucie uses on his voice. Gary said he's actually trademarked that kind of echo on his voice. Howard went into his impression again and continued to goof on Brucie a little bit. He was even putting his hand over his ear like Brucie does. He then played a little more of Brucie talking up another song in the special that ran last night. Howard went right back into his impression for a few more seconds after that.
Artie said he remembers riding in the car with his mother going to school and she used to listen to Harry Harrison in the car. He said it sounded like they were broadcasting from a cave with the amount of echo they used on the show. He was also saying that they should have had Jon arguing with Brucie about the way he was doing the talking up of the songs. They may have gotten some good clips of him if they had done that.
Howard told Artie about this porn guy who likes to talk about what he's doing when he drops his loads. The guy's name is Nick Manning. Artie thinks that guy is funny so Howard had some more clips for him to hear. He played some of those where the guy is giving every detail about dropping his loads on these women he's banging. Howard said they actually had to edit the clips down because the guy talks so much. In the clip he was playing the guy was talking about cumming on her face and then letting out a big groan and saying he was dropping loads all over her.
Howard said he'd want that guy to shut up if he was watching a porn movie and saw that going on. As he was talking about that he played a song parody where they have clips of that guy in ''On the Road Again'' and they sing ''Dropping Loads Again.'' Artie said he'd like to see that guy doing stuff like dropping loads on other things. Gary told Howard that Nick Manning is the guy who called into the show one time and proposed to Tabitha Stevens.
Howard went to a caller who said that George wasn't in the show last night so he's wondering if he's going to be on the show in April. George said he will be returning. The caller also asked if his character knows that his son, Hiro, has special powers. George said as far as he knows, he does not know about the special powers. Howard said he gets annoyed with the guy who plays Hiro on that show and he can't wait for him to get off the screen.
Gary said there's a lot of arguing going on out in the office about how they should give up the team member. Howard wants to let Artie pick someone. Artie said he's working for the next few weekends so he may not be able to lose any weight this month. Howard asked Artie who he wanted on his team. He gave him the list of guys on Tim's team. Artie was going to go with Jon Hein so Benjy freaked out because he doesn't think he can lose much weight.
Benjy said that if Jon tries to lose weight and lose a lot of pounds, he could die. Jon said he can do this but he won't be starving himself. Howard asked Artie if he's really going with him. Artie said he's going by who he thinks needs the money the most. Jon needs it the least so he's going with him on his team. Jason said he'd love to be on Artie's team if Artie was going to take this seriously. He knows he's not so he doesn't want to be on his team.
Gary said he thinks that Benjy will be able to move on to the finals because the person who loses the most on the losing team gets to move on. Artie said that he's going to be on the road and there's no way he's going to be able to lose weight if he keeps up on that stuff.
Howard got in a plug for the sponsor of the contest which is Cylaris weight loss. He wanted to get everyone weighed in after that. Gary called over Tim's team to get weighed in. Benjy wanted to weigh in with no clothes on. There was some controversy over that but they just made each person take their shoes off. First up was Tim who came in at 265 pounds. Brian Phelan came in at 243 pounds. The guys had to ask Scott the Engineer to remove a bunch of stuff from his body. He came in at 264 pounds. Jason got on the scale and came in at 271 pounds.
Artie's team was up next. Artie was only at 286 pounds and he was upset that it wasn't more. Jon Hein got on the scale and came in at 255 pounds. Mike Gange got on the scale and came in at 247. Benjy, who was drinking water all morning, weighed in at 267.
Benjy thought that the scale was off and he wanted to weigh Tim in again. They put him back on the scale and found the same weight. They'll all be on the same scale every week so it should be okay. The guys are going to be weighed in every week for 8 weeks. Tim was kind of upset that Artie got to take Jon Hein. He was going to give up Brian Phelan to Artie's team.
Benjy is ready to start the diet and he'll be using that Cylaris stuff to lose his weight. He said he's been eating all kinds of crap over the past few days trying to gain as much weight as possible for this challenge. He said he will eat and then go to the bathroom and start all over again. Howard told Artie about this special that the Howard TV guys put together about the Bubba wedding. He said that you get to see Benjy and his girlfriend in that show and it's very entertaining.
Benjy asked if they could do something on the side for Artie to lose some weight. He suggested that they make Artie get naked or something. Artie said he doesn't want that. Howard suggested that they make Artie get his hair tested if his team loses. Artie said he doesn't want any extra motivators.
Lisa G came in and said they'll have a report about the Battle of the Blobs contest and they'll be covering everything from if they'll be cheating and even their bathroom habits. Lisa said that some people are happy they're on Artie's team because he might just pay them off. Howard wanted to see if Artie was going to be able to do this so he offered him some Linden's cookies. Artie said he'd take them and a Hawaiian punch.
Lisa said they're going to be talking to a guy who claims that Artie saved his life talking about his heroin addiction. That was it for her update so Howard let her go and moved on.
Howard said he agrees that she shouldn't have been thrown off but now there's another girl on the show who has pictures out on the web of herself nude. Howard said the difference is that her pictures were private and she never expected them to be. Frenchie's pictures were on a web site. He said he still thinks that Frenchie shouldn't have been booted off the show.
Frenchie said that every contestant on a FOX reality show goes through a background check. She said she disclosed to the producers that she posed for those pictures. Frenchie said she's not happy that they're keeping that girl on after they booted her off. She said she thought they didn't handle the situation very well back when she was on and they let her compete for too long. She said they could have let her go after she informed them that she did have those pictures out there.
Frenchie said she'd like the people at the show to apologize to her for what they did. She thinks that they defamed her character while they're talking about this new girl saying that she was exploited. She said it's like the complete opposite of how they treated her. Robin said that they may have been trying to get some publicity back then when she was on. It was only the second season of the show. Howard wondered if it's some kind of racism because Frenchie is black and the new girl is white. Robin said they did keep on a stripper who was white so who knows.
Robin said that this new girl, Antonella Barba, isn't that great of a singer while Frenchie was very good and probably could have won if she had stayed on. Howard said he didn't know that Frenchie had disclosed to the producers that she had posed for those pictures ahead of time. He said there does seem to be a double standard here. Frenchie said she never said it was a double standard, but she would like to hear an apology from them.
Howard said that Frenchie sounds like she's looking for money because she was saying that they humiliated her. She said she never said that she was looking for money. She just thinks that her situation was handled differently than they're handling this Barba girl. She said she's been asked about the situation with Barba. She knows that Barba didn't post her pictures on the internet for money, but she did pose for them willingly. Howard said he thinks the stripper and Frenchie are similar stories while this Barba chick isn't the same thing.
Artie tried to get a date with Frenchie but it didn't sound like she was interested. Howard gave her a plug and said that she's starring in ''Rent'' right now. Frenchie said she's been doing that for the past 4 years now. Robin said she just went to see that recently, she had no idea she was in it.
Eric the Midget called in but couldn't get a word out because Fred and Artie were doing their impressions of him. Eric asked them to shut up. He then said that Artie should be a Chinese New Year Marshall because he's as fat as a pig. Eric said he didn't have a problem with Frenchie (calling her Fantasia) and he thought that she was very good on the show when she was on. Howard said he thinks the black chick on the show might just win this year too. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard said if Beth was in a national commercial like that, she'd be the one asking for a pre-nup. He went into a story about how he used to buy lottery tickets when he was so lost in his life. His father found the lottery tickets and told him that the only people who buy those things are people who don't work. Howard said he knows that he would probably never win the lottery because he was born in this country. He said he hasn't purchased lottery tickets since then. Robin said that's a lie because they did buy them on the air one time. She said he also bought some off the air and told her about buying them because the jackpot was so big.
Artie said that Scott DePace is a classic lottery ticket buyer. Howard said he really doesn't want to be a loser and that's what his father called him so that's why he doesn't buy them now. Howard let Irish John go after that.
Artie said that Double A is a lottery winner so they do know someone who won. Howard said he would keep every cent for himself if he did win. George was suggesting that he could give it away to charity. Howard said he's pretty sure he would keep it all and not give any to charity. He said he was asked to give to a charity so he could have his name put on something. He said he did give money to the charity but he doesn't want his name put on anything. Robin said she'd like to have her name on a bench or something.
Howard said he's heard that Mohammed is worth billions of dollars but Mohammed said that might be a little much. Howard asked Mohammed if he's a self made man. Mohammed said he is and he made the money in shipping and forwarding and export. Artie said that a lot of guys made a lot of money doing that stuff.
Howard asked if Mohammed was close with his son or not when he was dating Diana. Mohammed said that they were always close and he raised his son. He had custody of the child so he raised him. He said he was his only child at the time. He has four children with another woman. Howard was going to get into the Dodi discussion but he wanted to know what women Mohammed had been with. Mohammed said he can't talk about that stuff.
Howard said that Mohammed thinks that his son was not part of an accident. He seems to believe that this was actually a murder. He thinks that it was a murder and a slaughter that was brought on by the British government. He said that this future king over there would not accept his son going out with Princess Diana and he thinks that led to their death. Howard said he understands Mohammed's grief but wondered if he's taking it a little far.
Mohammed said that Diana was very close to him and during the last holiday she spent with him, she told him what she thought was going to happen to her. She thought that she was going to die. She had threats against her and just a few months before she died, she had a lawyer who warned that she was going to be murdered. Howard said that he's basically claiming that the Royal family took the initiative and had her killed off. Mohammed said that this guy Prince Phillip is an idiot and he thinks that he is capable of something like this.
Mohammed said they had letters, tapes and documents that proved all of this and they will have to have all of that stuff brought into this inquisition. He told Howard that they're doing an investigation over there and it's been going on for almost 10 years now. All of the cameras in the tunnel were not working that night and that's very suspicious to him.
Mohammed said that he will spend whatever it takes to find the truth in all of this. He said that he has also banned Prince Charles and Prince Phillip from his Harrads store over there in England. That's the one place they are not allowed to go over there. He was telling the guys that many people over there back him up in all of this. George Takei asked Mohammed why he would call this show. Artie told him that this wasn't really him but Howard insisted that it was. He didn't want Artie making fun.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked why this is taking place 10 years later. Mohammed said that it has taken this long to make it happen. Howard said that Mohammed's wife must be hot. Mohammed said something about Howard being a dick head when he asked about her but he was just joking around. He was goofing on Prince Charles looking like a crocodile when he wakes up in the morning. He also said that he would look exactly like Hitler if he grew a small moustache.
Howard asked if Diana was a beautiful woman in person. Mohammed said that she was an angel. He talked about how great she was for a little while. Hook Nose also asked about how he came into his money and obviously hadn't heard the earlier discussion about how he made his money. Marianne from Brooklyn called in and talked about some stuff she's read about Mohammed and the Royal family.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's read some stuff about the whole story and kept rambling so Howard said he had to let him go. Mohammed even called him a fucking asshole after Howard hung up on him. Another caller asked if he thinks there was any involvement of the Israelis in the death. Mohammed said he doesn't believe that's the case.
Howard asked Mohammed about the homes he owns and if he owns anything up in Connecticut. He said he doesn't own anything up there. He said he lives in a tent once in a while. He has a sailing boat and has 6 staff members on that. Howard was saying he'd like to hang out with him but Robin told him that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea since the British government seems to want people dead around him.
Howard got a hold of a picture of Mohammed's 22 year old daughter and he said she was beautiful. He asked if she's going to get a lot of money when he dies. Mohammed said that his money is going to charity, she makes a lot of money on her own. Howard heard that she was friends with Paris Hilton but Mohammed said he wouldn't want her involved with her at all.
George asked Mohammed what he wants to accomplish by calling a an American Radio show. Mohammed said he's just getting the word out there. Gary said that Steve Langford wanted to come in and talk about this because he was covering the story when he was working at Hard Copy back when this story happened. Steve came in and said that he found the owner of the car at the time and spoke to the man who owned it. He said he spoke to that man a couple of weeks after the crash and found out that the cars were switched at the last minute. Howard asked Steve what he was getting at. Mohammed said the car probably had nothing to do with it. He talked about what he knew but Howard thought that trying to bump off someone in a car crash was kind of odd.
Steve asked why the driver was switched at the last minute. Mohammed said that he convinced his driver that he was safe to drive. He said they had to kill him off at the same time so they used spotlights to blind him and got him to crash. Howard interrupted and asked Mohammed if he's still married. He said he has been married for 30 years now. Howard asked him if he gets some strange once in a while. Mohammed said that's none of his business. He said that is private information.
Howard said he knows that Mohammed is a grieving man and he understands that he wants to get to the bottom of this. Steve Langford said he has been interested in knowing what he has to say for a long time. Mohammed said that he will leave no stone unturned until he gets to the truth about the story. He said that you can't just feel in peace until you get the bastards and gangsters who caused the death. He said you can't just let them get away with this stuff.
Robin doesn't think that he'll be able to get the Royal family even if they did have something to do with it. She said some underling will take the fall for them if they were involved. Howard asked Mohammed how old he is but Mohammed said he was only 25. Howard figured he was in his 70s and he was right. Mohammed said he is in his early 70s. Howard said he hopes that he is able to find out the truth. Howard told him that he would like to be invited to some of his parties over there in England. Mohammed said he would get him a boyfriend over there. He was just joking around of course.
Howard told Mohammed that he prays that he gets the answers he's looking for. Mohammed got in a plug for his store Harrads and reminded everyone to stop there. Howard asked for some coupons for the store but Robin told him that he will never go there, but she's over there all the time. Howard let him go a short time later.
George asked Steve not to leave. He wanted to know more about the car that he brought up earlier. Steve said that he did find the car and the owner but he didn't research it like Mohammed did. Steve said the driver who died was brought in at the last minute and he had been drinking earlier in the evening. Howard pointed out that Steve went from covering that story to covering Big Foot up in Vermont.
Howard said that Mohammed did sound a little bit like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog but it was really Mohammed Al-Fayed. He said they got a call a couple of months ago asking if they wanted him on the show and they decided to go with it. It was really him even though Artie joked that it wasn't. Howard and Fred were talking about how Mohammed can now go back and talk about how he spoke to Irish John, Hook Nose Mike and others about this story.
During the discussion Mohammed was saying that Diana was pregnant with Dodi's child but Robin said that all of those claims were refuted after the death. Howard said it must be true if Mohammed said it though. They ended the segment with Red Peters' ''Diana'' song that he put out around the time of her death.
Howard played some George Takei song parodies and also played a Richard Christy prank call where he calls a guy and makes it sound like his phone is breaking up. He asks the guy a bunch of questions about shitting on the guy and sucking his balls. The guy doesn't know what's going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Diana thing is what happens when a white Princess gets into a limo with a sand ni**er... and then the guy claimed that he wasn't a racist. Howard let that guy go and said that he had to take a break but he had Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell coming in.
Howard moved on to his guests, Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell, who were on the first season of American Idol. The two of them came in and Howard asked Justin not to block Kimberly. Both Justin and Kimberly sounded happy to be there and were impressed with the studio. Justin said he used to listen to Howard every morning on his way to high school. He was a big fan.
Kimberly and Justin are involved with this show where they watch American Idol and talk about it on the TV Guide channel. Howard asked if it's tough to do that show and then try to keep working. Justin said that he's still good friends with Kelly Clarkson. Howard asked why it hasn't happened for Justin like it did for others. Justin thinks that they were working out the bugs that first season. Artie thew in ''No tits!'' as the reason why he didn't make it. Robin said that's true because Ruben Studdard had tits.
Howard asked if they think that Kelly Pickler got implants. They ended up talking about how cute she was and didn't know why she'd do something like that. Howard told Kimberly that he got mad at her when he saw her hair was short. He told her to keep it long.
Kimberly talked about how she camped out for the audition for American Idol and how she was able to get on the show. Howard asked who hit on her when she was on the show. She said Justin hit on her but she may have been joking. Howard read that Kimberly had a threesome with some guys on the show but she said that was not true. She said she was with JD Adams who was in the top 32 on the show. She said Simon never hit on her.
Howard asked Kimberly if she's ever been with a girl. She said she has kissed a girl but not a French kiss. She said she did lick a girl but it was just her sister on the cheek. Howard asked Justin if he ever banged Kelly Clarkson. He said he never did that. Robin said that Justin was in a movie with Kelly Clarkson so it did look like they were a bit of a team. Justin said he was attracted to her back then and right up to this day.
Howard asked Justin about his black father and his white mother. He found out that Justin had taken his step-mother's last name so he wondered why that was. Justin said that he did that as respect for his step-father but when he went for his audition, he did list his father's last name but the producers of American Idol shortened it from Justin Bell Guarini to Justin Guarini.
Howard asked Justin when he lost his virginity. Justin claimed it was earlier than 12 years old so Howard tried to fine out more. Kimberly sounded kind of surprised by that. Justin said that it was a girl his age and he was somewhere around 10 at the time. Howard said he must have grown up in a black neighborhood if that's the case. Justin said he didn't get laid again until college. Howard asked him if he was actually able to get a boner and cum at 10 years old. Justin said it did work. He found a book called Sammy Sperm and Ester Egg that showed what to do.
Justin said he only did that girl once. He was only 10 but it was great. Howard asked him how many other girls he's been with. Kimberly said he should just tell him it was just 200 or so. Justin said he didn't think it was quite 200. He wasn't getting much while he was on the show but he was hooking up after the show when he went out on tour. Howard asked if Paula hit on him at all. Justin said that didn't happen.
Howard asked how bad they wanted to be the winner of that show. Kimberly said it would have meant a lot to her. Justin said he wasn't all that upset that he didn't win. The two of them talked about how the show worked when they were on it. Howard asked the two of them if they smoke any weed or anything. Kimberly said that Justin smokes but she joked that she does crack.
Howard told Kimberly that she had a smoking body. Artie made a joke about her being not to far from being Tara Reid. She didn't seem to appreciate that. Howard asked Kimberly if she was in bed with a guy and he asked her to lick his butt hold, would she do it. She said she didn't know. She said she's never been in love before so she's not sure what she would do for a guy if she was in love. Fred was playing all kinds of fart sounds and doody audio clips while they were talking about that. Kimberly said she's been with under 10 guys in her life and she started out when she was 15. Howard asked her if she has real boobs. She said they are real and they're not all that big.
Justin said that he doesn't think that either one of them really wanted to be the American Idol on that show. He said that you do kind of want to win but when you get to the last few people, it's like you've already won. Justin said that he's working on his third album now and it's very far removed from what he did before. The record company dropped him and he just moved on. Howard asked him if he made enough money so he doesn't have to work now. Justin said he did very well and it's not like he doesn't have to work again, but it's good money. Kimberly said that she's doing well too and she's buying a house for about $700,000 out in the L.A. area.
Howard asked Kimberly and Justin if they heard about this guy on the show who talked about fisting Clay Aiken. They hadn't heard it. Howard said that the guy is taking back his story and saying that he lied about all of that stuff. He found that hard to believe. Robin wondered why he would take back the story after putting it out there the way he did.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Kimberly what kind of underwear she was wearing. She said she didn't have any on at all. She said the jeans were too tight to fit anything else in there. Howard asked her how shaved she is down there. She said she's not totally bald but it is shaved down a bit. The caller asked if they could get a zoom in on her to see what it looks like. Richard Christy then came in and asked if they wanted to ride the Sybian. Kimberly laughed and said no so Richard said he was actually asking Justin.
Howard took a call from Kelly Clarkson (High Pitch Eric) who talked about how hot Justin was when she hung out with him. Howard didn't stick with that for too long. He got back to Kimberly and Justin and gave them some plugs for the two shows they're doing on the TV Guide channel. They do ''Idol Chat'' and ''Idol Tonight'' over there. Howard asked the two of them if there was anyone they hated over there. Justin said he didn't hate anyone really. They talked about Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell but in a positive way. They weren't saying anything negative about anyone.
Howard asked Kimberly how long it would take for a guy to get into her pants. He wondered if she's ever had a one night stand. She said that she's never had a one night stand and it would probably take a couple of months for it to happen unless it was someone she really liked. Then it might take 2 weeks. Howard asked Justin about the kind of positions he does with his girlfriend. He said that they do all kinds of stuff and she once told him that she'll try anything once so that made him happy.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed he went to high school with Justin. He said he was a compete wuss. The guy didn't even go to the same school as he did though. Another caller asked what kind of toys Kimberly uses on herself. She joked that she doesn't do that kind of thing but then admitted she does have a rabbit that she uses. She said her mom was listening so she didn't want to get into it. She said that she probably masturbates about as much as any other woman does. Richard came in and asked Kimberly if she would use this toy he had and put it in her mouth so she'd stop talking. She was a little talkative.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone who claimed that he dated Kimberly. The guy claimed he had audio of her in bed but it was just a porn clip. Another caller said that this chick has to calm down a little bit, she's talking over Justin too much. The guy also asked if she would put two fingers in his ass and jerk him off. She said she wouldn't touch that asshole.
Another caller asked Justin if he ever thinks about that 10 year old when he's jerking off. Howard thought that was a good question. Justin said he's not like that and he would never go back to that. Artie said that Justin is the only guy he knows who has fucked a 10 year old.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was pretending to be Clay Aiken. He was doing a gay voice but when he asked Justin a question Howard hung up on him. Howard got back to Justin and asked him if he ever got a nose job. He thought he had gotten one but Justin said he never did. He said he knows Howard wanted one so Howard had to admit that he did get one back in the mid 90s. He actually revealed that about a year ago.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Justin to shut up because all they wanted to hear was Kimberly. Kimberly noticed the change up and thanked him for that so she got in a plug for ''Idol Tonight.'' The caller also wanted to know if she was into bukakke. Justin knew what it was so he explained it to Kimberly. She said she wouldn't like that and she wouldn't let any man orgasm on her face. She said she just doesn't like it. She said she has swallowed before but she didn't want to get into that because her mother and grandmother were watching.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Kimberly if she would be upset if a guy was banging her and slipped a thumb up her ass. She really wasn't sure because it's never happened to her before. She wasn't sure if she would like it or not.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he saw Beth on Casino Cinema last night and she was really showing off her ring on there. Justin asked him what changed his mind about getting married. Howard said he fell in love with Beth and she changed his mind. He said he enjoys being with her and thought that it would make the relationship better if they got engaged.
Ralph called in and asked Kimberly if a guy put his hand over her mouth during sex, would she find a way to talk through that. He complained about how much she was talking and had to get off the phone when she started talking again. Howard let Ralph go and wrapped up with Justin and Kimberly. He gave them some plugs for their two shows and went to commercial break a short time later.
Artie said that this girl's birthday is coming up. He's thinking of sending her the flowers for her birthday. Robin told him to just take her out to dinner. She said that would probably be the best thing for him to do. That way she gets a gift but there's no evidence for her girlfriends to see. She said she knows how to handle this stuff because she is a woman.
Howard finished up the commercial and got back into the show a short time later. He had a picture of George in his kimono at the Oscars the other night. He said it looked like a dress to him. George said it's the equivalent of wearing a tux in Japan. Artie said he thinks that George is a fruit, that's what he thinks. George said he wanted to add a little panache to his formal outfit.
Fred played some show tunes and George started singing along with them. Robin asked him if he had help with the outfit. He said he had a wardrobe person who helped him out with the outfit. He rented it from her. George let Howard know that the song he just snag was sung by Pat Suzuki.
Howard brought up Rudy Giuliani and the troubles he's been having with his family lately. He said that Ronald Reagan had similar problems with his kids and he still went on to be President so maybe Rudy could do the same thing.
Howard read through the other stations that have gone up since he left K-Rock and how other guys are number one now and not his old station. He said it's very odd and he's baffled by the omission. He said it's got to be a calculated omission.
Howard wondered if Hinkley hates him so much that he can't even report about how badly his old station is doing without him. He said it's a huge jump on his part not to have put that in his article. He said Hinkley writes for the NY Daily News. Robin said that you'd think the guy would write something about that if he wanted people to read the article.
Howard read off the nutritional information from the stuff that Artie was eating this morning. He had to guess on some of the stuff. He was adding it all up and found that the Grande Macchiato that he drank was about 800 calories. Artie said there's no way that's right. She said she was on a blog reading it so she decided to go to the Starbucks site to find it. Howard knocked it down to 500 calories.
Howard came up with the numbers and said that Artie had eaten over 2000 calories already this morning. Robin told him that was the total for the day if he was on a regular diet. Howard said he doesn't eat that much during the day. Artie found it hard to believe that Howard could smile during the day not eating more.
George was telling Artie that they all care about him and he really shouldn't eat so much. He'd like to see him get healthy. Artie said he's considered it. George told him he's got to act on that and just do it. Robin found that the Starbucks drink Artie had was only 320 calories so that knocked him under 2000.
Steve said that they've found a Robert Booey that they'll be interviewing. He also got in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt, which airs at 7pm, and Riley Martin's show that airs at midnight tonight on Howard 101.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and rand down the stories they'll be covering today. Jon said they'll be talking about Artie returning to work today. Howard asked Fred if he still thinks Artie is on something. Fred said he does still think he is up to something. Robin said she's on the fence right now, she's not really sure about what's going on.
George said he's going to go with what he wants to believe. He thinks that Artie is going to be clean from now on and that's what he wants to believe. Jon Hein got back to his preview and talked about some of the other Artie stuff that came up today. They spent a few more minutes talking about Artie and his drug use and also about his drinking. Artie said that he did stop drinking for a while and was completely sober for 3 months back in 2005.
Ralph called in and said that Artie doesn't seem like he's all that into the show anymore so maybe that's why he's calling in sick these days.
Gary came in and said that a couple of years ago Lisa had a baby and the government took the kid away and she went and kidnapped the baby and it was all over the papers. She said there were allegations that Howard was the father but Gary said that was her who made those allegations. Howard asked Lisa if she's ever been diagnosed with mental illness. She said she's not mentally ill.
Howard asked Lisa if she's thin or still heavy. She said she's about 150 now but she was up at about 200 for a while. Lisa said that she was accused of being a crack addict at one point and she claims that she's never used crack. Lisa said that her father is the one who turned her in and said that she was not fit to be a mother. That's what led to her baby being taken from her.
Howard said that most mentally ill people put the blame on other people and that might be what she's doing. Lisa said that Howard is the one who does that but Howard said she's the one who is blaming other people. Gary said that they invited Lisa to the last show and she needed money to come down so they let her know they couldn't do it. Lisa said they did say that they were going to pay for her to come down. Howard didn't seem to care, he just gave her a ''whatever'' and tried to move on. Gary said that she's also been bothering other people at the company trying to get money from them.
Lisa said that she thinks that Howard owes her about $2,000. She said that because of taunting and stuff that's happened to her over the years. Gary said that Howard wouldn't even recognize her if he was standing right next to her. Howard asked Benjy if he had sex with her. Benjy said he did but she doesn't remember it. Benjy said he got a call from her and she was apparently calling a bunch of the people from the show and he was the only one to take her up on her offer to bang him. She claims that never happened though. Gary told Lisa to stick to calling him from now on and not bother Mel Karmazin to try and get this money from the company.
Howard let Lisa go and got back to Jon Hein's show preview. Jon ran down a few more things that they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. Howard then had Robin start her news.
Howard said that whole Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston thing has been over the years. He said it was like a supernova exploding into a billion pieces. They spent some time talking about the two of them before Robin moved on. Robin went through her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard asked the guys what they did to Artie yesterday because he wasn't there this morning. He said he was listening to some clips from the Wrap Up Show yesterday and he got quite a work over. Artie came walking in a few seconds later.
Howard spent a minute talking to George Takei who was sitting in so Howard spent a minute talking to him. They moved right over to Artie after that. He came in with a cupcake as if he were the Statue of Liberty holding the torch. He apparently doesn't care about the weight loss contest. George Takei said that just having him breathing on him makes him feel like he's going to gain some weight. Howard said Artie is not only eating a cupcake but a glass of Hawaiian punch.
That was Artie's first meal of the day too. A green icing cupcake and Hawaiian punch. The guys all watched him and goofed on him as he was eating it. Howard went on to say that everyone has to see this Howard TV special that they put together about Bubba's wedding. Artie does some wrap-arounds for the show and he's smoking a cigarette and has ashes all over him. He also said that Robin was very brutal when she was talking about Ronnie in that special. She went off on him about his bad personality and how his drinking proves it.
Ronnie came in and said he thought Robin was vicious when she was talking about him and she wasn't joking around in that clip. He said she really hurt him talking the way she did. She really meant what she was saying. Howard said there was a stripper in the show that was a 10. She was dancing with Ronnie in the clip and Ronnie was just about mauling her. She claimed it was like dancing with her grandfather but she looked like she was enjoying it. There was also a clip of a bouncer in the show who says he's going to kill Ronnie if he ever shows up to Florida. Ronnie is going down there soon so the guy might get the chance.
Howard said Robin really is viscous in that show so everyone has to see it on Howard TV starting March 14th. It's also very compelling to watch. He noticed that Fred only shows up for a few seconds in the show. Fred said he was avoiding that camera all weekend. He said Doug was being really annoying with the camera down there and he was staying away from him as much as possible. He didn't know that was going to be the focus of the weekend.
Howard said the special is very well put together and the fans will really enjoy it. He said they really had to tape as much as possible to get what they have for the special. Howard agreed that Doug was being very annoying down there but he was just doing his job. There was a time when Doug was taping on the beach and that got a bunch of fans running over to take pictures. He didn't like that too much.
Howard talked about Artie going out on a jet ski and trying to get his life jacket on. He said that was pretty funny too. George asked when that's going to be on. Howard said it's March 14th. There's a lot of stuff in the show that's worth checking out. He said Sal got kind of racist with 25 Cent from Bubba's show. There was some towel whipping going on too so Sal had all kinds of welts on his body from that. He said he was laying on the floor writhing in pain. Then Sal was sticking his ass on Steve Langford's face as they were out on a boat with Bubba. Gary said Steve was really just scared being on that boat because it was so fast. Howard said he hates going out on boats like that. Artie said he loves it.
Gary told Howard they have audio of Robin talking about Ronnie from that special. Howard played the clip where she talks about how Ronnie's awful personality comes out when he drinks as much as he does. Howard agrees that he has a bad personality and it does come out even worse when he drinks. Robin said she was probably tired that day when she said that.
Howard also mentioned that Artie is going to see a shrink. Artie said he went to this guy three times and he's trying to examine what cost him this relationship with Dana. He wants to be better at it next time so that's why he's going. Howard asked Artie what caused this new thing. Artie said that he's can't start gambling to the point where he can't afford it. There were times when he was gambling six figures on a weekend and he just can't see doing that. His father was anti-gambling and he would be so upset with him.
Artie said he would probably lose more gambling smaller amounts than he would doing the bigger numbers. George told him that if he lost some weight, he could possibly win $20,000 in this ''Battle of the Blobs'' contest. Artie said there's no guarantee he could win that. George told Artie he could lose some regrets if he lost the weight too. He said he could lose six pounds of regrets if he tried.
Artie said he did see the shrink and he is trying to stop gambling before the NCAA Tournament. Robin said she heard JD and Will talking about the tournament and she thought about Artie missing out on all of that. Artie said he's still going to watch the games, he's just not going to be as into it as he would have been if he was betting. He said he loves to watch baseball but he doesn't have to bet on them to be into them.
Howard had a lot of clips from the Wrap Up Show where Robin grilled Artie on all of this stuff. In the first clip Robin grills Artie about bringing up the rehab thing yesterday during the show. Artie said he might need to go to rehab. He explained how he got off the heroin himself and didn't go to rehab to do that. When he got off coke, he went to rehab. He's thinking he might need that. Artie said he thought he'd be fine after getting off of it but he thinks that he could get caught up in it.
Howard played another clip where Artie revealed he stopped gambling. He tells the guys that he broke up with his bookie and said he wouldn't be gambling. He said the bookie believes he'll be coming back to him eventually. He might be right because Artie said the first night he gets bored, he'll probably be betting again.
Howard told Artie he needs a hobby and he should really try playing chess. Artie said he envies that and would like to do that. He said he knows guys who can play speed chess and it's very impressive to watch. Howard told him it turns into a video game when you play like that.
George asked Artie if he could turn him onto Broadway plays as a hobby. Howard told him that's not going to happen. George told him about this play ''Journey's End'' which is about World War I. Artie thought it was about the end of the band Journey. Artie also said he was afraid that George was going to ask him if he could introduce him to his cock if he starts doing the Broadway thing.
Howard got back to the Artie clips and played one where Artie explains why he goes out on the road doing comedy shows. He can make a ton of money doing those shows in other cities. He said last year he tripled what he makes on the Stern show. This year he's going to quadruple that money so he feels he has to keep doing it. He said he can't make that kind of money without being on the Stern show. Robin said that's what Jackie said before he left and he eventually started doing just one show a month toward the end of his gig on the show.
Howard said he hates coming to work but the money is good. He didn't get into radio for the money but now he has a hard time leaving because of it. He said you have to feel bad for guys who drive trucks and jobs like that because they can't make that kind of money. Robin said a nurse called in and told Artie he was nuts complaining about the work he has to do. Howard said Artie would be miserable even if he was sitting at home.
Robin said Artie revealed that he wanted to retire at 45 during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard got back to the clip where he said that. Gary and Robin were talking to him about leaving the show. Artie said he loves the show but he's wondering how long Howard is going to keep working. He was also saying that it might be time to give someone else a chance to sit in his seat. Artie talks about all of the stuff that goes on in his life and how messed up he got after Dana pounded his heart into the ground. Howard said it sounded like a full life to him. Artie's got a lot of stuff going on.
Artie said that there are comedians like Leno and Seinfeld who seem to not have any emotion at all when they do their shows. He said it's like there's just not a person in there when you see those guys. Howard went into another audio clip where Artie talks about going to the shrink. Artie said that the shrink told him to maybe quit the Stern show if he's miserable. Artie said he can't do that because without the show, he wouldn't be making the kind of money he does on the road. He'd have to give up the stand-up stuff before giving up the Stern show.
In the Wrap Up Show, Robin had asked Artie what his dream was and what he would want to happen. Artie said that he would love to have the kind of schedule he had when he was working on the Norm Show. Robin told Artie that he needs to be a guy like Andy Richter if that's what he really wants. Artie said that's what his FOX deal is. He said he could end up out in L.A. doing a show again if that all works out.
Howard told Artie he's glad to hear that he's going to a shrink and that he's quit gambling. He's very happy for him. George said it is great that he's trying to change now. Artie said he's also got a recurring role on ''Rescue Me'' so he'll be doing 5 episodes this year. Robin thinks that he'll be upset about that because he'll be working so much. Artie said it's not the same as traveling because he wants to get airports out of his life. Howard said he used to not be able to say no to anything. He knows what that's like. He said after he'd sign something to do, he'd have to do it and that's when it started hitting him. He said he learned to say no to some things and yes to others. Then you free up some time. He figures Artie would go crazy if he had some free time though.
Robin said that Artie is thinking of looking for a shore house now so Howard and Robin were right when they tried talking him into doing something like that. It appears he's actually taking their advice on that. Artie said he's hoping to have a shore house by this summer.
Bobo read about Beth getting upset when they go dancing and have other women getting between them. She said she will pull Howard away when that happens. Howard said they haven't gone dancing in a long time so that's old news. He said they were kind of dancing in bed while watching American Idol last night though. Bobo was asking Howard about Beth being all over him in bed. Howard said they're all over each other, it's mutual.
Howard let Bobo go and talked more about that FHM magazine disappearing and how they just throw you another magazine. Another caller said that he thinks that's what could happen with the XM/SIRIUS merger. Howard asked Robin if she's heard anymore about that whole thing. Robin said it just kind of went away. Artie said he read an article about Mel Karmazin in the NY Times over the weekend where they talk about his business plan and how it always seems to work out for him. He said that makes him feel confident in all of this merger stuff.
Howard said that they have another aspect to the business of satellite and it's all about making the car manufacturers happy. They also have to do research and development for the radios and then they have to sell those radios. There's a lot to it that they don't even think about.
Howard and Artie talked about Mel for a few minutes and how he really does do the right thing with these companies he runs.
Howard said they showed all of that Sam Simon charity thing on 60 Minutes and said that they don't even take donations, Sam funds it all himself. He's even got this huge truck where they go out and spay dogs for free so they can help control the population out there. Howard said it really is sad when they have to put dogs to sleep.
Howard said there was one dog they showed that was saved and is now living a great life out there. George said they captured Sam's soul