Howard started off the show welcoming George Takei back to the show. George is back in town for a week so he'll be sitting in all week. They played Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song right after introducing George. Howard said it was great to have George back and had him do a quick announcement. George read through the announce and introduced the show.
Howard congratulated George on his excellent role on ''Heroes.'' George said that he has enjoyed it and nothing is as it seems on that show so you never know what's going to happen on it. He talked about some of the stuff that's gone on with that show lately.
Howard read a story about George in the NY Post from yesterday where they say that George was booted off of The Simpsons because he creeped out the staff according to Hank Azaria who does some of the voices on the show. Robin said that was crazy. Hank claims that George used to call someone ''sweetie'' over there but George said that's not even in his vocabulary. He thinks that he's trying to get some attention for the show he's doing there in the city.
George said that he's never met Hank Azaria so he's not sure where that came from. George also said that he didn't recognize that woman sitting in the studio this morning. Robin had lost a lot of weight so George told her she looks voluptuous and much different. Robin thanked him for that.
Howard said Jim is funny, he was going around telling everyone that he was Jeff the Drunk. All of the papers are reporting that Robin was at the event with Jeff the Drunk. Howard said that Robin was looking very good and both of them came out as a couple for the first time that night.
Howard said it was kind of strange to see Robin and Jim out as a couple, as one. Robin said it was a ''coming out'' so to speak. Howard said she can't contain himself anymore and has to be seen out with him now. Howard told George that there was no outrageous behavior on his part. He thinks that Robin told Jim to behave himself out there.
Howard said that Robin was being a socialite so he took Jim around and introduced him to some people like Richard Belzer. Then Robin came running over to get her man back from him. He said that they all sat down for dinner and everyone watched the films that everyone made. Robin and Gary made some very, very good movies. Robin said that Gary's was very good and she really liked it.
Gary came in to talk about Jim and Robin coming out the other night. Gary said that he asked Robin if she had anyone coming out with her that night and she told him no. Then they were all standing around and saw Jim get out of the car with Robin. Mike Gange let out a ''Holy shit!'' when he saw her walk in with Jim.
Howard said he thinks that Jim and Robin have made love because they were holding hands that night. Gary thinks that she has too and he has a reason. He said that Jim is so fuckin' well behaved that he has to be getting something that's worth behaving over. Robin said that he could be waiting for something good too.
Howard said that they're going to call Robin and Jim ''Quarantine'' as their celebrity name. They all took a look at some pictures of Robin and Jim walking into the awards and holding hands. Howard said that Robin looks like she didn't want to let go of his hand either.
Gary said that Robin could have revealed this at a quiet party but she decided to do it at a big event. Robin said that the holding hands was at an insecure moment. She said that it wasn't as big of a deal as they were making it out to be. Howard said they had some exclusive pictures of this hand holding thing.
George said that now Robin knows what it's like to be on Howard's inquisition and he's loving it. Howard had some tape of Lisa G interviewing Robin and Jim as a couple. In the interview Jim talks about telling everyone that he was Jeff the Drunk.
George said that his man, Brad, is very shy and won't do interviews like that. He said that Howard has made him kind of a luminary lately though. They went to a ''Heroes'' party recently. Howard cut him off and asked if Hayden Panitierre and Ali Larder were there. George said that they were and he thinks that both of them are lovely. George said that some people at the party wanted to meet Brad and left him standing there alone when they ran off to meet him.
Howard said he's going to give Artie the benefit of the doubt because he is out of shape and overweight. George thought he was on a diet but Howard said that's not really true and he's got to be over 300 pounds.
Gary said he doesn't think Artie was working this weekend and he didn't have to travel as far as he knew. Howard said he hopes that Artie is okay and it's just a stomach flu or something. George said that maybe he's trying so hard on his diet that it made him sick. Gary said that he did get sick from that recently when he stopped eating for 4 days and then had some McDonalds.
George said he thinks that he could get Artie on a regimen that would help him out. He'd like to take him by the hand and feed him. He said he could have him out to California to stay out there. George said he knows that Artie would never do that so that's why he put the invitation out there.
The caller said that he's a younger guy that she might like to date. Robin said that Jim is 40 and he is a little older than what she was looking for. Howard said he got some pictures of a guy who wants to date Robin. He said that the guy might be kind of her type. He read through the letter they got where the guy talks about how he thinks that Robin would like him. Howard showed her his pictures and she found it hard to believe that they were real. George said that he was very healthy looking. Robin said that the guy looks like a model.
Howard said he'd get that guy in there if he wants. Robin said that he can bring in any guy he wants. Howard said that if she's loyal to Jim he won't bring him in. Robin was laughing and said that she's not sure if she'd date the guy. She said that she would meet him so Howard gave her an ''Oh wow!'' Robin said she's not saying she'll go out with the guy but anything is up for consideration. Howard said he was shocked by that. Gary thinks that Robin is trying to make up for 15 years of hibernation. He said that she used to say no to everything. Howard told Gary to call the guy and set him up. He said he feels bad for Jim though.
Howard talked about the story they talked about earlier where Hank Azaria claimed that George was kicked off The Simpsons for being creepy. The caller said that Hank Azaria is kind of creepy himself so he shouldn't talk. The guy on the phone went on to tell Howard how great George is on the show. That led to Howard playing a new song parody where the guys took George audio clips and had him singing along to AC/DC's ''Back In Black.''
The caller also said that he thinks that Artie is on something, maybe not heroin, but he's got to be taking something to be as out of it as he seems to be lately. He said the guy is miserable for no reason. Howard said that he is very heavy right now and that could be part of it. Howard thinks that his weight is part of the problem and that could be making him sick. Robin said that they've seen many fat people and they're not all sick every week.
Gary said that some of the guys in the office are asking how long you give someone the benefit of the doubt. Howard asked who it was that was saying that. Gary said he didn't want to say, that was up to them. Howard told Jason and Will to come in but Gary said that it wasn't them.
Gary said that Artie leads a very unhealthy lifestyle and maybe it is catching up to him. That's what he's going by. Robin said she was heavy too but Howard said that she wasn't abusing herself like Artie does with the cigarettes and bad food. Robin said that there's a reason Artie is out and it's not illness. She said that it may not be heroin or pills, but it's something he's doing that's making him stay out of work.
Howard played the ''Artie Snorts Heroin'' song that they've played before. That got Robin laughing. Howard took another call after that from a guy who said that they have to give Artie the benefit of the doubt right now. Howard said that he used to get sick all the time when he was fat. He used to go to the doctor and he was told he was going to die if he kept going the way he was.
Howard said that it is Artie's lifestyle that's making him ill and Robin said that he has to take care of that so he can get to work. Robin also said that Artie will get back to work by Thursday because he does have some gigs coming up this weekend and he needs to plug them.
Gary said that Ivy has been asking about the rice that they sent over to the studio last week too. He's not sure what she wants to know though. Gary said that her messages go on and on and he's not sure what she's talking about. Howard said Gary said she gets fixated on stuff and won't let it go. Gary said she does that and she keeps calling and sending messages all day long.
Benjy said that he's not getting tired of her at all and he'd love to have her get all of her tattoos removed. She's trying to fix him up and she's trying to fix him up.
Howard said that they didn't believe that it was Artie but the guys kept playing clips of him saying ''You're a loser faggot'' and some other goofy things like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Richard kept his promise not to take a shower in preparation for his ass bleaching. Howard told George about this thing that they're doing and asked George if he's excited to see something like that. Richard said that he got really sweaty yesterday while he was out sledding in Central Park.
Howard said that Richard and his girlfriend were actually on TV on the local ABC station. He said that they were on some plastic sled thing and some tourists were there so Richard lent them his sled. They thanked Richard for the sled when they were interviewed. Howard said he had the audio of it so he played that a short time later.
In the news report Richard and his girlfriend talked about how they had loaned them their sled and the reporter tells Richard's girlfriend to hold on to this one because he's a sweet guy. Howard went on to say that Richard called him yesterday and asked him to go on a carriage ride with them. Howard said that he had to turn him down.
Howard also went off on Richard for not knowing how to speak and saying ''Me and my...'' all the time. He tried to give him some lessons on what to say but they didn't seem to be working.
Richard said that it was the best day yesterday out in Central Park. He said the last time he showered was probably Friday. He's going to have the ass bleaching tomorrow so he's got one more day to sweat and shit. Howard said that the smell that's going to come out of there is going to be disgusting. Richard thinks it'll be funny but George said that he didn't think it was funny. He said that it's going to be a stench coming out of there.
George said that he's going out to dinner with Richard and his girlfriend on Wednesday night. George said that Brad will be there as well.
Howard got back to the Jay Leno story and said that this guy is known for being squeaky clean. He said that Jay told his non-writing staff that they were going to be kept on the payroll. Letterman and Conan O'Brien are keeping their staff on the payroll. Leno apparently told them that he was going to do the same but now they've been laid off. A lot of them were told that they may not even be allowed to come back after the strike is over. Howard said that they started freaking out over there.
Howard said that the people started freaking out because Leno told them not to worry about it. They said that he didn't need to say that because they could have gone out and found other work. Now everyone is all pissed off at him. They also heard that the staff got bonuses of a measly $100. Howard said he doesn't know exactly who that includes and if Stuttering John is involved in that mess.
Howard said that John might have a contract over there. He's not sure if he has a contract with NBC or with Jay. He said that if John isn't able to provide his services, he's not sure if he gets paid. It could go either way.
Howard said that there's a new article about Leno saying he'll cover the salaries of the staff for one more week. Jon Hein came in and said that the $100 bonus story was wrong. It was $100 for every year that they worked for the show. There was also some other stuff in this article he was reading where they say that he staff was told that they'd contact them if they needed their services later on.
Howard said he likes that other people are thinking that Jay is a scumbag. He said that he's thought that for years now. He had to go to break after that.
Howard had George do another announcement to get them back into the show. George sang a song to the tune of ''Happy Birthday'' about William Shatner. Howard thanked him for that and brought in Lisa G with her Howard 100 News preview.
Howard said that they had a new song to play before Lisa got to her stuff. He played a new ''Mr. F'' song about Robin's new man, Jim Florentine, parody from Mike Morse. The song was to the tune of the ''Mr. Ed'' theme song.
Lisa said that they're going to be reporting on Robin and Jim's relationship. She said she spoke to Jim last night on Miserable Men (Howard 101 Sunday nights at 7) and Jim said that they're just good friends and he's not ready to get into a relationship. Howard said he now believes Robin after hearing that. Howard said that something happened there and he's not sure what it is. He said that she said she made out with him but Robin said she never said that. Howard argued with her for a couple of minutes about that. He insisted that she did say it but she said that just wasn't the case.
Lisa said that Jim really has to get a new suit, the one he wore was pretty bad. Howard said he has to get a new one himself and he may go to Dominic Barbara's guy to get one made. He said that Ralph is supposed to do that stuff for him but even that's partly his fault. He said that they always have these big shoulder pads in the suits and it makes his shoulders look really weird. He wants a regular suit that's not that fancy. He hates the double breasted look like Letterman wears.
Howard asked if Jim's suit was white or something. Lisa said it just wasn't a good suit. Robin said it was a little dated. Howard said that he looked like the Prime Minister of Israel or something. George said that Jim is a good looking guy when he saw a picture of him.
Lisa said that there are some conspiracy theories going around about the DogCatemy Awards because Gary didn't thank Sal and Richard for helping him write his film. Gary said that's not a conspiracy, he just forgot to thank them. He said that they weren't even there to thank. He said that they wrote some of the lines and they wrote some but he just couldn't thank everyone. It wasn't the Oscars, he didn't have a lot of time to thank people.
Lisa said that the band Shaw Blades performed their cover of ''When I See Beth Smiling'' and Lonny Heckman's family was there and shed some tears while they sang it. Howard said that Channel 10 News out in Philly covered the story and he had some of that to play. He said that Lonny's family were all at the concert that night and they had them come up on stage and gave them a guitar. Howard said it was really a beautiful thing that went on out there.
Howard played the clip from NBC 10's news report. They talked about Lonny's death and the song that he'd written for Howard and Beth. They interviewed Lonny's family and the guys from Shaw Blades. They also had some coverage from the concert they did at the Crocodile Cafe out in Allentown, Pennsylvania. Lonny was supposed to be at the concert but he died just 2 days before.
Howard said he saw another report where a reporter says that he has a good heart and the anchor woman on the show gave him a look like he was full of it. Robin said that she was getting a little weepy just listening to the report. Howard said he'll make her forget about that in a short time.
Lisa said that Rev. Bob Levy has been nominated for a non-sex role by the AVN awards. Howard thanked her for her news report and let her go a short time later.
Howard said he got a call from Billy Joel who is out on tour right now. He said that Billy told him that he might not be interested in this but he's written a song that he might be interested in. He said that Billy hasn't written many songs lately but he wrote this one about the situation in Iraq called ''Christmas in Fallujah.'' He wrote it but he gave it to someone else to record. He gave it to some guy in New York who is closer in age to the soldiers over in Iraq. Howard said he'd play it so he was going to play it for everyone.
Howard said that the guy who sings the song is Cass Dillon and read some notes about how the proceeds are going to charity. He wasn't able to find the song after talking it up though. Gary said that they were trying to get it for him. He eventually found it and saw that it was over 7 minutes long. He said he wasn't going to play the whole thing if it was that long.
Howard played some of ''Christmas in Fallujah'' (available on iTunes) and let it play through the whole way and said that he really liked it. He said that it was actually just 4 minutes long, not 7, so that's why he let it play through. He said that it actually gave him the chills hearing it. Robin said that she'd like to hear it over and over again. George agreed with her and with Howard when he said that Billy is really a great song writer.
Howard said he doesn't get why anyone would say that George was creepy to work with. He didn't see that at all when he was talking to him.
Howard said he was really afraid that this song was going to suck. He said that he didn't preview it before he played it this morning either. Fred said that he thinks that they should play the song all the time, it was really good. Howard said he'd like to hear Billy sing the song but Robin said he was right by saying they needed someone closer to the soldier's age.
Howard played some audio of that interview where Wayne said that Carson was implying that he was gay based on the sound of his voice. He said he tried to contact his agent and people like that but they did nothing. He then went down to visit Carson himself, unannounced, and asked to speak to Johnny in person. He said he told Carson he didn't know what he did to him but the jokes were going to stop and stop now or he'd kick his ass. He said Carson started to mumble so he told him to stop and not give him that crap. He said that Carson was a mean spirited human being and there are a lot of people that he hurt that no one will ever know about. He refused to take it though.
Wayne said that he doesn't think it really hurt his career now that he looks back on it. He said that he thinks that Carson started some other rumors that were around for years. He said that he also thinks that his name was on a hit list for the mob and he thinks that could have come about because of Carson.
Howard said good riddance to Johnny Carson. He said that he remembers him ripping into Wayne Newton back when he was on the air and he's glad that Wayne came out like this and bashed the guy. He said he has a new respect for Wayne after hearing that. Howard said that he doesn't care how odd looking Wayne gets these days, he's got this new respect for him. Robin said that he's looking so odd that it looks like his face belongs on a totem pole.
Howard said that Gary saw Evel at some event and he was a miserable fucker. He said that he was being really mean to everyone until Jessica Hahn walked in and saw him. Then he changed his tune and became really charming. Gary said that he thinks that Evel may have gotten Jessica back then. Howard wondered if she'd be honest and talk about that if it was true.
Gary said that it was him, Jessica and Evel Knievel doing an appearance at a monster truck show. He said that Evel would change his attitude from yelling at someone to get him a coffee to talking nice to Jessica.
Howard said that they had some tape of Ed McMahon bad mouthing Johnny Carson. He played some of those but they were edited down clips from an audio book. They had Ed saying a bunch of stuff about Carson and his love of little kids and things like that.
Jessica Hahn called in so Howard asked her about Evel and if she had sex with him. She paused for a few seconds and said ''Umm... yeah.'' Howard said that Gary was right then. She was really into him back then and he actually got her. She said that Evel was a maniac but he was very nice to her.
Jessica said that she had just heard that he died, she didn't know until this morning. She said that he was even old to her back then when she did him. She said that everything was working in her favor at the time. She doesn't remember everything about it but she did remember that they were doing a signing there.
Gary said he remembers Evel throwing her a line about coming to his hotel room or something. She said that she did bang him. She said she was out of her mind back then though. Howard said that doesn't matter, he wanted to know more details. She said that she wanted to leave his hotel room but they talked for a while and it just happened after she had a drink. She said that it was all very awkward though. She said that he made it feel like she should be honored to be in his presence so that was kind of cool.
Jessica said that Evel took a while to finish. She said that she gave him one of her special BJs. She was also saying that it took a long time to make it happen before they actually did anything. She said that she didn't want to hear him go on and on about who he was so she got comfortable and just fucked him.
Jessica said that she took over and did her thing with him. She said that she actually did him a couple of times that day. She said that she saw him again in another place and hooked up with him again. She said that he looked her up that time and told her where she was so they could get together again. Jessica said that Sam Kinison was a better lover though.
Jessica said that she did take a while to finish when she was blowing him. She said that it was like 25 minutes or so. She said that he wanted her to stick around even after she did that. She said that he had a huge ego and wanted her to be around him as long as possible. He even had his costumes hanging around his hotel room. Howard asked her if he fell asleep in his room. She said that he wanted her to do stick around but she just couldn't do it. She had to get going.
George said that they're talking about a man that just passed away. That didn't stop Howard though, he kept asking Jessica about banging the guy. She said that she didn't remember all of the details and didn't remember if he had grey pubes.
Jessica said that Evel did put it in her the second time she saw him. She didn't get off from that though. She said that she feels like such a slut right now talking about this.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked how long ago this was. She said it has to have been 20 years or so. He told her that she's got a hell of a book in her after hearing this. He said that he was never with her and he never even tried anything. She said that the things she knows are just amazing. He said that she really should just do a book. Jessica said that it would be too much. She has a lot of stuff for the book but it would be too much.
Howard jokingly said that Dominic once told him that she was behind the fall of the Soviet Union. Dominic said that he used to get calls from a lot of people asking to meet Jessica.
Howard said that Jessica falls for some odd celebrities. He said that no one falls for Evel Knievel. She fell for Sam Kinison and Evel Knievel. Robin said that the guy was a mess even back then. Jessica said that's what she liked about him, he was so rough and gruff. She said it was just silly of her to do it at the time but she was just having fun.
Howard thanked Jessica for the story and asked her if she had anything to say about him before she got off the phone. She said that she hopes that he's in God's arms now. Howard said that it was funny when Gary told him about this story and he actually lost a bet to Gary over it.
Howard let Jessica go and played some ''Dropping loads'' clips from Nick Manning and then had George Takei do another announcement as they went to break.
Howard came back and had George do another announcement. George wished everyone happy holidays in a bunch of different ways. Howard said that George is still on Heroes even though he's died. George said that he had some great scenes on that show even after he died. He got to go to his own funeral on the show. He said that he also enjoys doing the lines in Japanese but he loves the challenge.
Robin said that she hates when they go to Japanese because she has to go back and watch if she's not in the room at the time. She said she has to go back on her TiVo and check to see what she missed.
Howard mentioned the Hank Azaria thing they did earlier and George said he may go back stage at his show this week and say something to him about the creepy comments.
George said that he's working on a new movie but he's not going against the writer's strike. He said that he signed on to do it before the strike and he has to do it since he's under contract. He said that he's working on ''The Red Canvas.''
Howard asked Eric to explain to him what he was talking about with the web sites that he was throwing out there. He wondered if he was getting paid. Eric threw out a couple of sites, including JFSC.tv, during the call. Howard didn't get it and Eric wasn't explaining why he was doing it.
Howard told Eric to blow out a kiss to Diana Degarmo. Eric refused to do that too. Howard told him to stick his thumb up his ass. Eric refused to do that too.
Eric told Howard that he just went on this Stickam.com and he talks to people on there. He said a lot of SFN people go in there to talk to him. Howard told Eric to do a donut with his wheelchair. He said that wouldn't work. Howard wanted to see more of Eric's apartment but Eric wouldn't show that either. He wouldn't show Howard anything but what he had on his cam. Howard wanted to see his PJ pants but Eric wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Eric to show him the gay porno they sent to him. Eric refused to do all of that. Robin asked him how his script is coming along. Howard told her not to bother asking about that. He said that he was supposed to read Isaac's script over the weekend but he never got to that either.
Eric said that he called into Bridget's show on Playboy. Howard said they didn't have it yet but he'd get to it. Then he hung up on Eric so he could watch how pissed off he gets on cam. The guys watched him for a short time and noticed that he was smiling while he was talking to them. Howard said he had no idea he did that at all. He said that was kind of sweet. He said it's definitely worth checking Eric out on there if you can.
Howard told Gary to get Eric back on the phone so he could talk to him and apologize for hanging up on him. He took some other calls while they were waiting for that.
Howard said that there have been a couple of shows that have ripped off his show. One of them was Street Smarts and the ''Are You Hot'' show that was on for a little while. That one he sued over. This ''Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader'' is one that really ripped him off too and he wants to sue over that.
Howard said that his father was talking to him about this 5th grader show and he got all pissed off when it came up. He said that they stole the idea from his show.
Howard played a clip from the show where this woman is asked what country Budapest was the capital of. The woman playing said she thought that Europe was a country. She had no clue. Howard let that clip play through and the woman eventually guessed that it was going to be France. She didn't know that Hungary was a country.
Howard said that Martha Stewart came up to do her show the other day and they had a big Christmas tree out in the lobby. She took one look at it and said it was awful. She said she was going to fix it up herself so that's what they did. Howard said that people are saying that it's the greatest Christmas tree of all time now. He heard that they went out and got chocolate figures of Howard Stern and Beth O and hung them on there.
Robin wanted to go out and check it out but the Howard TV guys went out and got some video of it instead. Howard wanted to see it in person too. Gary heard that there were some complaints that there was no Jewish representation on the tree. Howard said that Jewish people have to realize that the world hates them.
Gary told Howard to stick to that song because he goes into a whole story. Howard played more of that song and Robin was arguing with the guy in the song. Howard moved on to the next song which was called ''Reparations.'' He played a little bit of that and then some of the next song. Howard and the guys all goofed on the songs as they were playing. Howard played another one called ''If I Could Be a nig*er For a Day.''
Howard said there was another one called ''Jesse Showed Up'' so he played a bit of that one. Johnny tells long stories in his songs. George said that the music is really good but the lyrics are very offensive. Howard played another one called ''nig*er-In-Law'' when Robin said she wanted to hear that one instead of ''Send Them All Back To Africa.''
Howard said he didn't understand that last song. He tried to figure out what story he was trying to tell in that one. He had a couple of other songs like ''Quit Your Bitching nig*er'' and ''Fuck You Osama bin Laden.'' He played some of the Osama song which he found kind of boring. George said that he just thought of a great Christmas present for Nichele Nichols.
Howard said that Imus is starting his new radio show this morning. They're doing a live show and Gary said that he saw it on this RFD TV and it looks like the set of Hee Haw or something. Howard asked JD to pull some clips so they could hear what he's going to be doing on this new show. He said that the show is worse than ever and you just can't stay tuned to it.
Howard was going to play some clips from the Imus show and said that he's not going to get any ratings higher than his 1.3 that he used to get. Gary said that he heard that people at the station were asked to buy tickets to this event this morning. They charged people $100 per ticket to get into it.
Howard played the beginning of the Imus show where people are cheering and they're playing big music to introduce the guy. Howard said he wanted people to see how long they could stay tuned. Imus gives the time as soon as he starts the show. He talked about what they had coming up and mumbled his way through that. He says a lot of ''Uh'' during that. Then he introduces the people from the show and gives their home towns.
Howard was bored with the show already and goofed on the guy about all of the ''Uh'' stuff he was doing. He said he feels really bad for Curtis Sliwa and his partner who lost their jobs to they could put this old man on in place of their show. They used to beat Imus in the ratings but they were replaced with him.
JD said that they actually bleeped him saying the word ''hell'' on that show. Howard said that its' really demeaning to the black woman they have on that show because they're saying that she's there to keep him in line. He said that's the only reason she was hired, there was no other reason for it.
Howard did his impression of Imus and goofed on him for a short time. He played one clip where Imus introduced this new cast member on his show. He did that after giving the time and bragging that he was on RFD TV and getting applause for that. Then the woman, Karith Foster, was introduced. Robin said that Imus should have just admitted that he was forced to hire her. Howard did his impression again and said that they're going to keep her quiet and not let her talk so much. Robin said there must be great chemistry there with those two.
Karith talked about being from Texas and told some lame jokes. Howard said that she's going to fit right into that show. She wasn't funny but Imus was laughing in the background. There was a lot of awkward silence there though.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he's pretty sure that Imus is already trying to get that chick fired. He said he's pretty sure he's trying to get her out of there so he can just talk to his other cast members. Al said that he's pretty sure that he's going to be telling her to say a few words and then get the hell out. He thinks that he'll just have her call in her short reports instead of being in the studio.
Howard thanked Al for calling in and then got back to the clips from Imus' show. That Karith chick was going into a whole comedy act. Howard said it would be great if Imus made a black joke on his first day back and got fired. George said that he's just trying to save himself by having that woman on his show.
Howard said that his show is a mess and if he was a program director he'd pull the hair out of his head when they hired that guy. He continued to goof on Imus doing his impression of him. George wondered how his interviews with James Carville go. Howard said that you never understand a word Imus is saying so that brings things to a grinding halt.
Howard said that was his little rant about Imus and now people can just watch Imus' ratings dwindle. He said he feels bad for whoever it was who hired him over there at WABC. Howard said they were going to have Craig Gass sit in during the news after the break. He went to commercial after that.
Howard came back and belched along to the Stones song that was playing. He had comedian Craig Gass (Myspace.com/CraigGass) come in after that. He gave him a plug for an appearance he's making out in Washington state this weekend. He also had George Takei do another announcement.
Howard mentioned that Artie wasn't there today since he called in sick. He asked where Craig was. He came in on his own since no one was helping him get in there. Will said he didn't hear him call for him. Craig came in talking in his own voice.
Craig said that one of his favorite voices to do is Tracy Morgan and he heard that he was in since he was on last. Howard stopped him and pointed out how odd his beard was looking. His hair was dyed jet black too and Howard said it wasn't a good look. Craig said it was always great to come back to the show.
Craig also said that he has a girlfriend now. Howard said that he had that one armed chick who was on the show. Craig said that he got a voice mail from Bob Levy that day and he told him that she was throwing him under the bus that morning and wondered how a one armed woman could do that. Howard said that chick, Jen, said that Craig used to wait by the radio waiting to hear his name mentioned.
Howard asked Craig to do some of his voices for George Takei since George wasn't familiar with him. Craig did his Sam Kinison impression for him and George said he had to peek because it was so impressive. He asked who else he does. Howard jokingly said that was it. Craig did a little bit of his Tracy Morgan and then said he pranked Al Pacino this week. He was at a Gene Simmons roast recently and went into his Gene Simmons impression. George let out a chuckle so Howard said that was George saying that he liked his Kinison impression better.
Howard asked Craig to do his Al Pacino impression. Craig did a second of that and then told the story of prank calling the guy and doing his Pacino impression for Pacino. He told Pacino that he was his long lost brother and yelled at him to call him back. Craig said that he left the message but didn't say if he heard back from him.
Craig said that he heard a story from Alec Baldwin getting Al Pacino getting pissed off at him. That led to Craig doing an Alec Baldwin impression of him telling the story and when Pacino saw him in the building he got all freaked out because he had a problem with him at the time. Craig was doing both Pacino and Baldwin talking about this play that Baldwin was in and how he didn't want to upset Pacino. Pacino wondered how he could enjoy being him because he's miserable as himself. Robin said that Craig even did the Beverly D'Angelo impression during that story.
Jessica Hahn called in after that and said that she and Craig messed around one time. Craig didn't remember that and said that he's never even met her. Jessica wanted him to play along, she was making it up. She was going to tell a story but he ruined it.
Howard said he had Tracy Morgan on the phone to complain about the way he does his voice. It was actually just the guys playing clips of Tracy on the show.
Howard gave Craig some more plugs for his upcoming gigs and said you can find out more at Myspace.com/CraigGass. Craig talked more about the roast he did for Gene Simmons. Craig said that he joked about his hair and how he had more hair than any bald guy he's ever seen. He said that Lisa Lampanelli killed at that roast and so did Jeff Ross. He said that Ross was saying that he used to be a huge fan of his until he actually met him.
Craig said that he wanted to tell a story about Gilbert Gottfried doing a roast one time but Howard stopped him from doing it back when they were back on K-Rock. He said that Gilbert was asked to do a roast one time and he wasn't supposed to do any material. He said that Gilbert didn't know what to do when he was asked to do some material. Craig said he told Gilbert to just go up and tell some irrelevant stories that had nothing to do with the roast so that's exactly what he did. He went up and told 5 minutes of child rape jokes and gay jokes.
Howard wanted to get back to the Miss Amputee story. Craig said that he met her at an event and when they started doing stuff, he told her that they should keep it on the down low because they were going to get goofed on. He said it was kind of weird to have sex with her because that arm does come off. He said that he got a back rub from her with that stump. He said that he didn't have a problem with her not having an arm but he was afraid to introduce her to some of the comedians he worked with because he didn't want to get goofed on.
Craig said that Miss Amputee was a bit of an attention whore and he didn't like that. He said that they went to a show one time and she wanted to get her ass eaten out by Bob Levy that night. He said that it was going to make her look bad but she didn't mind. He said that he loves Bob Levy but he didn't want to see him eating blue cheese dressing out of her ass. She went up and did it anyway and that freaked him out.
George asked Craig if he got kissed by Jeff Ross like he did on the Shatner roast. Craig said that didn't happen to him but he did see George get that kiss. George said he didn't know where that came from but it was a good kiss.
Craig said that Steve-O was at this roast they did and he ended up peeing on the stage. He almost peed on Danny Bonaduce's back at the event and Danny had no idea it was going on. If Danny had seen it, he probably would have kicked his ass. He ended up getting kicked out after that.
Howard said that he didn't know that Craig had a coke problem. Craig said he did and he's been sober for almost 3 years now. He said he went to rehab a few years ago.
Craig said that he tried calling Letterman's show as Al Pacino one time and tried to get Letterman on the line. He said that he got a hold of some chick there and she told him that Dave was busy but he could call back and get him later. He said that he ended up talking to the woman who answered the phone and she hung up thinking that it was really Pacino.
Craig said that he was going to go to rehab for this coke problem but they booked him for a gay rehab center. He said that he doesn't really have a problem with gay people so he just went into the place for a couple of months. He said that it was actually great and didn't get hit on over there. He said the toughest person there was a lesbian lumberjack from Oregon.
Howard said that they had the picture of Steve-O peeing behind Danny Bonaduce's chair at the roast. He got a good laugh from that.
Craig said that when he got out of rehab he moved in with Mitch Hedberg and ended up falling off the wagon there. He said that Mitch was a great guy and he had seen this rehab book in his bag and felt bad about getting him back on the drugs.
Craig said that he called Eddie Van Halen recently and got him when he was on the toilet. Eddie told him he was taking a shit at the time so he let him go. He never did call him back though.
Howard said he had no idea that Craig had a drug problem and he was sorry to hear that. Craig is doing fine now that he's been sober for 3 years. He went into his Al Pacino impression again and did a few more seconds of that before Howard wrapped up and gave him some more plugs. They went to break but Howard had him stick around for the news.
Steve said that they also have a story about BBC 4 running a story about Howard after Martin Bashir ran a new interview that was based on an interview he did with him 2 years ago. They also have a report on the story about Howard and George Takei on Gay.com.
they also have a story about Benjy from an old school mate of his. They have some stuff about High Pitch Eric finding a new home and some stuff about Imus returning to radio this morning.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll talk about Artie being out this morning and everything that went on there. Howard said that he really thinks that Artie could be sick from his unhealthy eating and all of that. He's still going to give him the benefit of the doubt. Robin said that she's not sure what it is. Craig said that he spoke to Artie over the weekend and he sounded fine to him on Saturday. He sounded normal then.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had some stuff about Artie and he thinks that he just wants to leave the show. Howard said that they'll let Artie talk about that himself when he comes back.
Howard had Ivy Supersonic on the phone so he asked her if she was at Benjy's apartment. She was and she said that they have a dentist appointment today. Craig asked about the ''we'' thing. Howard said that he's not sure that he likes this make over thing that Ivy is trying to do with Benjy. She wants him to get some hair transplants. Howard asked her if she'd get her tattoos removed for Benjy. She said she'd consider it.
Howard told her that hair transplants don't ever look good, although Craig's do. He was kidding about that. The guys ended up goofing on Benjy a little bit about the hair transplant thing and let Ivy go before she got in anymore about that.
Howard asked George if he's ever had anything done. He said it's all him and he's worked hard to get every wrinkle.
Jon Hein got back to his Wrap UP Show rundown and mentioned that they'll talk about George Takei returning to the show.
Howard said that Crazy Alice called up over the weekend to complain about Governor Schwarzenegger calling in and claiming that he wanted to move the earth 2 inches further away from the sun. She believed that it was really him calling in. Howard played her voice mail where she flipped out on him saying that only God can move the earth and he should back off of that plan. Howard said he agrees with the plan and backs him in it.
Jon said that they'll be talking about Robin taking out Jim Florentine to the DogCatemy Awards and many other things that went on today on the show. Howard said that maybe Craig will even show up on that show. Jon said that he's always welcome there.
Howard said that he had some sad news from Leticia Cline who was on the show last week. She was fired from the GNCC motocross racing that she was covering. They fired her because she rode the Sybian and they thought that it was something that penetrated her. She wrote them and said that racing was her life and her family got mad at her for revealing some things. Howard said they should have her back in to talk about that. She was really upset because racing is her life.
Robin read a story about this senator who was arrested for trying to solicit an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. That led to George talking about how he used to do that in bathrooms many years ago. He told the guys some stories about that and how it wasn't that scary back then. These days it is. He said that he used to visit glory holes as well and he would be on both sides of that hole at times. He said that he was on the receiving side more often than the giving side. Howard jokingly told George that he can't be drilling a hole in the wall in the studio this morning. Fred played some sound effects as if George really was drilling in there.
Howard took a break in the middle of the news. When they came back Howard said that George was so impressed with Craig's act that he was thinking about going to see him in Vancouver, Washington this weekend. He had Robin get back to her news a short time later.
Howard read through some e-mail during the news. He read some feedback about the Shaw Blades concert that Lonny Heckman's family attended last week. Howard read an e-mail from a fan who said that they work in terrestrial radio but haven't listened it since getting SIRIUS. That led to Craig talking about some of the radio guys that he's spoken to and how some of them are upset that Howard ruined the business by leaving and moving to satellite. That led to Craig doing his Al Pacino impression talking about how great this new medium is and how important it is. Howard was cracking up when he heard him doing the impression.
Howard said he can't look at Christina Aguilera again in a sexy way. He saw the picture of her on the cover of Marie Claire magazine, pregnant. He said that really bothers him when he sees that shit. He said the Demi Moore nude picture of her pregnant bothered him too.
Robin read through some more news and Craig did more of his Al Pacino impression. Howard ended the show a short time later, around 11:00am, after giving Craig some plugs.
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Howard started off the show talking about how George Takei was there and he'd be in all week. He had him do a quick announcement before moving on. George did one about being sick and saying it sounded like Artie's illness. Artie was back this morning after missing yesterday's show. George said hello to his cuddly muffin.
Howard told Artie that he was one of the few people who believed that he was out with just an illness yesterday. George said that he really thought he was sick yesterday. Howard said he sounded different yesterday though.
Howard said that people were giving him a hard time about letting Artie get away with this stuff these days. Some people are saying that he wouldn't let anyone else get away with it. Howard was also saying that he got a hold of that Playboy interview that Artie did and it was the saddest thing he's ever read. He said that it got him really scared and depressed.
Artie said that guy was a really good writer. He said he didn't know how much information he gave him during the time he spent with him. He said that Artie picked up a $72,000 check at one of his gigs and he was complaining about it not being enough. Howard said that Artie is one of the highest paid comedians out there on the road right now. Artie said that he's not in Dane Cook's league though.
Artie said that the gap between him and Dane Cook is pretty big. Howard told him he doesn't have to explain that. Howard said Artie got that $72,000 check and thought it wasn't enough and Artie said that he thinks that makes him come across as a douche bag. He said that he knows that's why people wanted that job that he has.
Howard said that this article about Artie is crazy and he didn't know how bad things were. Howard said Artie isn't like all of these guys like Belushi and Chris Farley but he must have it all wrong. He said that he heard that Farley was just like Artie as far as being really nice to hang out with.
Artie said that he hung out with Farley years ago and he really doesn't think he has those long binges left in him. He thinks that he's outlived all of those guys who he idolized. He said that the article depressed him and he's still lonely. He's got a lot of problems and he sees that in the article.
Howard told Artie he needs to bang Jessica Hahn. Artie said he heard about her being with Evel Knievel. Howard asked Artie what was wrong with him yesterday. Artie said that he wasn't able to talk, he was nauseous and just felt like crap. Howard said that someone pointed out that Artie misses George's first day when he comes in for a week. Artie said that could be his crazy homophobia kicking in.
Artie said that was a cheap shot and Howard agreed. Howard said that George should demand an apology. George said he's going to do that, he's going to go see him at his show there in the city and ask for an apology.
Fred asked if George ever dealt with Hank. George said he didn't so Fred said that was a really unfair story to tell. He called Hank an asshole for telling a story about someone he's never even met. Artie said that could keep him from getting work when there's a story out there like that. Howard said that Hank should come on the show and explain himself and tell them if he made that story up or not.
Artie got on the scale and came in right at 300 pounds. He wasn't as much as people were thinking. Artie said it's sad that 300 pounds is good news.
George said that they were talking about this on the Wrap Up Show yesterday so Howard played some clips from that show. In one clip they were talking about Artie being out and how he gets special treatment and that's why they don't get after him for not coming in once in a while. Gary said that they knew what they were getting when they hired Artie. In another clip George was saying that Robin should have been an inspiration for Artie. Gary said that Artie won't do that enema thing. George talked about how an enema can be a great experience. He said that you feel so clean after getting one and Artie should get one because you feel so alive. Robin asked if they could imagine Artie being addicted to enemas and running around looking for his works.
Jessica was on the phone so Howard put her on and talked about how shocking the whole Evel story was. She said that she's got a lot of secrets and he'd be blown away by some of the stories. She said that she has some A-listers on that list. She said she blew Gene Simmons but that was a nothing story. She said there are a lot of people but she's afraid to talk about some of them. She said she can't tell them about these people because she just doesn't do that stuff.
Jessica told Howard to think about some of the people who had movies out in the 1980s and they'd have a good idea. Howard went through some names but Jessica wasn't giving up any info. She wouldn't say yes to any of the names but they were throwing out names like Wilfred Brimley and guys like that.
Jessica thinks that everyone should leave Artie alone. He probably just needs her for a day and she'd help make him happier. Artie asked if she was talking about something more than sex. Jessica said that she can show him how great it can to be to have a woman like her.
Artie said that he just went out on a date on Friday night with a 24 year old who works by him. Howard asked him if he gave her money out of habit. Artie said that he did that indirectly when he paid the waiter for the food he brought out to them. He said that he had seen her out around town near his home.
George said that he really felt that he was doing the Howard Stern Show this morning because he saw Artie eating his glistening bagel with a Starbucks coffee and a Hawaiian Punch. Artie told him that Hank Azaria was right, he is creepy.
Howard said that Artie's breakfast is more calories than George eats in a whole day. George said he knows that Artie has more coming today too. He figured that he'd be eating the pancakes drowning in syrup later on. He told Artie that he should be inspired by that woman sitting across from him in her booth. Artie said that she looks great but he said that as he had a mouth full of food.
Howard said that Robin is going to be out clubbing with her girlfriends this weekend, that's how in shape she is now. Robin said that she'll be dancing with the other girls when they go out. Howard asked her about this new emerging sexuality that's coming out now. Robin said she's just having fun.
Howard talked about some of the crazy times he had with Jessica. He said he used to have her take her panties off when they'd go out somewhere. He said he even had her come up behind him in a men's room one time. He said he felt someone right behind him and it was her. She was trying to help him pee by holding his penis. He told her it was going to be very hard to pee like that so he had to ask her to stop.
Artie asked Robin if the idea of kissing another woman on the lips is so gross to her that she's never do it. Robin said she'd never do that no matter how drunk she was. Jessica said that she's kissed a girl before, when she was at the Playboy mansion. She said that this girl came up to her and started kissing her. It was very strange to her but she went with it because it was New Year's Eve. She said that she got a hug too but she's really not into that. She said it was fun but it was more like a roller coaster ride.
Artie asked Jessica who she wouldn't bang on the staff there. She said there are a few. Scott the Engineer was one of them. Artie laughed and said that he always gets on that list. Stuttering John was another one that she wouldn't be with when he was working there. She said she's not sure what JD looks like so Artie said they'd assume ''no'' on that one. Jessica said that Ronnie the Limo Driver scares her. Fred she'd sleep with, she really likes him. Jessica said that she hasn't had more than 10 guys doing straight sex. Evel Knievel was one of them.
Artie asked if Evel could have jumped all of the guys that Jessica has blown. Howard said that 10 percent of her guys were Evel which is crazy to him.
Howard told Artie that he should do Jessica when he's out in California. Artie said he was supposed to be out there to do Kimmel but the writer's strike screwed that up. Howard told him he should just fly out there and do her. Fred said he should just fly out and stick his cock through the mail slot in her door.
Howard and the guys talked about how Jessica is technically in a relationship but she seems to be free to do whatever she wants.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it takes him a year to earn the kind of money that Artie makes in one show. He said that's a shock to him. Artie said he had just estimated something higher than that for that show, that's why he was thinking it wasn't quite enough.
Howard read through some mail about George Takei being on the show. The fans really seem to like him and they get an overwhelming amount of mail about that. Artie said that George is one of the few people who don't get negative e-mail. Everyone else on the show get negative emails, even Howard. Howard created the show and even he gets negative mail. George said that it's amazing to get that kind of feedback being on the show. He's just being him.
Howard read some feedback about the coverage they gave to Imus yesterday. Some people thought he spent too much time on that. Howard read some mail about Jessica Hahn talking about her sex with Evel. Some people didn't like hearing her talking about that and they don't want her on the show. Some people think that her expiration date was 15 years ago.
Howard read some mail about Artie being out sick. The fans were pissed that he wasn't there again. Howard read one where someone called Artie ''Artie Lame'' and said that he can't believe that Howard is putting up with him failing to show up. Some fans think that Howard is taking this too lightly and he wouldn't let anyone else get away with it. Artie takes off more time than anyone else on the show and no one complains about it.
Howard read the e-mail where someone pointed out that Artie missed George's first day of the week a few times. Howard said that there were a lot of people saying that Artie ''calls out sick'' when it should be ''calls in sick.''
Howard said there were some people asking about the song they played yesterday called ''Christmas in Fallujah.'' A lot of people liked it but there were some that didn't. Some people were wondering where to get the song (iTunes). Howard said he thought the song was great but there were a few people who thought it was awful. Howard said he really did like it.
Howard said that a lot of people liked Craig Gass on the show. There was some negative feedback and he read through a couple of those. George said that there sure are a lot of angry people out there.
Howard said some people want to see the Martha Stewart Christmas tree that they discussed yesterday. The tree is out in the lobby. Robin said that it's just okay and it's not as magnificent as some people are making it out to be. Howard said he thought it was great and it was cool that Martha Stewart did what she did for that.
Howard asked the guy what punishment what he'd want them to give to Artie. The guy said that someone needs to drag Artie's ass out of bed every morning and get him to work. He was pissed that everyone was laughing this off. The guy wasn't sure what else to do with Artie. He had to think about that for a short time. The guy he doesn't get that Howard doesn't get pissed that Artie can make it to the shows he does but he can't make it to this one.
Howard said that he's not sure what to do with him to punish him. The caller said that Artie should make it to work or just stand in line with Jackie waiting for his welfare check.
Howard said that Artie should be at work, he wasn't aware that he missed so much though. He said that when he came there they had a deal that said Artie could take time off. Artie said that Howard and Robin are never sick and that's pretty amazing. He's not the same way. He's unhealthy and gets sick more often.
Howard told Artie that next time he's out sick he's got to get an ass bleaching and a waxing to get out all of the hair. Artie said he had friends who said he was only going to last 3 weeks in that job, he's been there for 6 years. He doesn't miss an insane amount of work though. Robin said that it is quite a bit though.
Howard said that he likes when Artie is there but they also have a good time when he's not there so he's not that upset about it when he doesn't come in for a day. He said that the Playboy article would have even freaked him out if he didn't know Artie. It's all that much more crazy when he does know him.
Howard said that it's odd that when Artie misses a day he's the one who is an asshole, not Artie. Artie said that he's really not. He said he's not sure how long he can do this radio show stuff for. He said that he never thought that he could make it six years on this show. Howard said he saw this coming, it's the holiday season coming up and it's time for him to start crying about doing the show.
Artie said that when he was acting work he was working very sporadically. He said it was great because he'd work for a little while and then get some time off. He asked Howard when he's going to be done with this show. Howard said he's done in 3 years, that's it. He said he used to tell Jackie about the 5 year deals and he'd give everyone that security. Now he wants to go out on a high note. Howard told him to stick around for 3 years and he can go out on a high note.
Artie said that he thinks that Howard has to come back in 3 years because he knows how important it is to keep people working. Artie said that he knows he has to get off this merry-go-round at some point.
George started to lecture Artie about the way he behaves and Howard said that Artie hates when he does that. George went on to tell the guys a story about how some people thought that he had died for real when his character was killed off on Heroes and he ended up getting a bunch of phone calls from people thinking he was dead. He said that if Artie keeps this up, people are going to think that he's really dead. That led to Fred trying to find the news report where Artie was reported dead when they were out in Las Vegas.
Howard said that George is trying to say that these great things come along in your life and you have to stick with them. George said that he had a lot of down time between hit series and some of the time was spent doing this show. Artie said that maybe he should do this show the way George does.
Fred had the bumper that they were looking for. He played the clip where they play a report from a Las Vegas news program where they report Artie's death. Artie said that the hotel had even confirmed his death at the time. He said that the head of security called him and asked if he was really alive and said that he had to see him physically to make sure that he was alive. Howard joked that they took one look at him and said that he was actually dead.
Howard asked Eric where he has to go to get on that web cam. Eric said it's on Stickam.com, or through JFSC.tv, and he's in a chat room over there. He gave them the info they needed and Artie said that it was hard to insult him when he sees him in there. Eric asked Artie who's boobs were bigger when he went on his date yesterday, Artie or his date. Artie shot back at him with something that stumped him so he didn't have a response.
Howard had Eric showing Artie his mangled fingers. Artie said that stuff makes it hard for him to goof on the guy. Eric said that he had to have surgery on two of his fingers and showed them to the guys.
Howard said he heard Eric's call to Playboy radio the other night. He said the first time he called in he had set it up for him. This time Eric had to call in himself and get through on his own. He said that they didn't want him calling in over there but he managed to get through on his own this time. Howard told Eric he had to take a break first before he played the clip of him on that show.
Howard asked Eric to do some stuff while he was on cam but he refused to stick out his tongue and stuff. Howard took a call from ''Rod the Midget'' who was jerking off to Eric on his web cam. It was Richard Christy making sound effects like he was jerking off. He asked Eric to do some stuff like lift his shirt. Eric knew it was Richard and he said that everyone in the chat room knew it was him. Howard put Eric on hold and said he'd get back to him after the break.
Howard had George Takei do a quick announce before they moved on. George talked about his muffin Artie for a few seconds and wished everyone a Merry Christmas. He mentioned that Artie was eating chocolate chip cookies as he was talking about his weight. George also said that they had a top 5 list of Artie's problems in the playboy article that he did. It included...
Artie said he took this chick out to see the movie ''No Country For Old Men'' and that led to Robin saying that the movie really was great and Josh Brolin was amazing in the movie. She never thought she'd say something like that.
Howard played Eric the Midget's call to Playboy radio after that. Eric called the channel and spoke to this woman Bridget and told her about what he did at Thanksgiving. Bridget asked him about what he ate and the conversation went flat. Eric then said that he wrote a book and sent her a copy to read. He wondered if she had seen it yet. She hadn't seen it yet. She told him to send another one. Eric was also saying that he's writing a project for his channel and asked her if she would take a part. She didn't know what he was talking about. Eric filled her in on the story and how he's going to make a 44 minute long movie for Howard's channel.
Eric said that he'd send along the script when he was done with it. He said he included her dog in his children's book too. She thanked him for the call and wished him a good weekend. Howard said that she wanted him off the phone as soon as possible. She was asking him about his weekend and stuff and it was a horrible phone call. Eric said that he won't plug his channels anymore if that's the case.
Howard said he was watching Eric on his cam during that call and he saw him pick his nose and eat it. Eric said that his hands weren't even near his face. The Howard TV guys had a replay so they showed it. It showed Eric picking his nose and he did eat it. They had it on the replay. Eric said that they saw him in the chat room and they said he didn't eat it. Howard said it looked awfully suspicious.
Howard asked Eric what the crawl was at the bottom of the screen. Eric said that it was part of the web site that he's on. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Eric gave him a ''Bye'' and Fred threw in an ''Ehh'' after that.
Howard said you can get on that cam somehow but he wasn't sure how. Howard did an impression of Eric plugging all of these chat rooms and web sites and he's not sure of the most direct route to get there. Try this: JFSC.tv.
Lisa said that they offered Double A a job there at Howard 100 News and they haven't heard back from him since. The offer is now off the table. She said that they have some other stories today about Benjy and some of the stuff he's been doing. They had some video of him doing some stuff with some hot chicks and they found out that the chicks were actually former Miss Howard TV girls. Artie said that there was a really hot one in there and she may have been the hottest he's ever seen. This was a Yule Log special that they're going to be running on Howard TV this month.
Artie said that the chick on the left was the hottest chick he'd ever seen. Howard said she's marriage material right there. The guys talked about how hot the girls were and Howard said that one of them has to come to bed with his future wife.
Howard also mentioned the Howard Stern History special that's coming up on the 17th of this month. He got in a plug for Jackie the Joke Man and Riley's shows that are airing tonight on Howard 101.
Howard said that there's this web site where they have girls punching each other in the stomach and it's apparently some kind of fetish. He said that the video is at DoubleViking.com/belly-punching.
Howard said that Beth pointed out a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt on Perezhilton.com and it was shocking how bad the ass was. He said that Jennifer has responded to that picture and she claims that she's upset that women have to deal with this kind of thing when they struggle with their weight. Howard read through her response to the pictures but she doesn't deny that the picture was her.
Howard said that her ass is something else. He said that it's probably worse than his was when he was in his Fartman outfit. He said that she's only 28 years old and she's a girl. He thinks that his ass would hold up better than hers. He said she's got tons of cellulite on that ass.
Howard said that there's a video of Amy Winehouse running around without enough clothes on in London where it was freezing cold. He said she's a mess so Robin asked if she's worse than Britney Spears. He said he wasn't sure, it was a close call.
Howard read an article to Fred about this new guitar that tunes itself. He read the article to him and Fred said that it was amazing. Fred said he heard about a Gibson that you could change the tuning on and maybe it was the same one. He said that's beautiful.
Howard said a listener sent him a chess set from Sharper Image and the set moves all of the pieces on its own. Robin thought it was something that she'd given him but he said it was something different. He said it does it so effortlessly that it's weird and creepy. He said it looks really cool when it's doing it but he wasn't sure how it worked.
Howard wondered when they were doing their secret Santa thing. He said he already bought the gift and wants to get that over with.
Artie missed the story about Robin and Jim Florentine going out the other night so Howard had to quickly go over that with him. Artie was shocked when they showed the video of the two of them out together. Artie said that he was really happy for Robin and Jim. Howard said that they were holding hands and they looked like a real couple out on the town. He said that Jim was like Robo-Jim and very well behaved that night. He said he did tell the reporters out there that he was Jeff the Drunk though. Howard said that Jim was like a 007 type that night and really swept her off her feet. They went to break a short time later after playing a new George Takei song parody that they had played yesterday.
Enrique said that the guys who come to the spa have dark skin on their penis and they want to lighten it up a little. He said that they don't have to be hard to get it bleached. He said he doesn't play with it or anything like that. Howard said he has to play with his to see anything down there.
Enrique said that they do both the asshole and the vagina on some women and they can sometimes take 5 or 6 treatments to lighten it up enough for the women. He said that this isn't the only treatment they offer at their spa. They have massages and facials as well.
Enrique said he had a woman come in and ask about this treatment about a year ago so he looked into it and started doing them. He said that they have had a major star come in to have his asshole bleached but he can't say who it was. He said that he suspects that he could be gay but he doesn't have any proof of that. Enrique said that he's seen this man before so it wasn't a surprise that he came there. Howard gave him a plug for his web site FaceToFaceNYC.com
Howard said that Richard Christy is going to have his ass bleached today but he hasn't showered since Friday. Richard said that he also didn't wipe this morning because he's trying to go green and not use toilet paper. Enrique said that he had a wipe for him to use before he got into this. Richard wanted him to do this without the wiping though so he refused to use it. Enrique said that he wasn't going to get too close then. He was going to keep his distance.
Richard took his pants off and revealed his dirty, naked ass to everyone. Howard and Robin let out some sighs and wondered why they were doing this. Enrique said there were some weird colors in there. Richard said he went to the bathroom and didn't wipe. George told him he has to have some respect for people. George said he was disgusted by him but couldn't take his eyes off of him. Howard told Richard to take one of the sanitary wipes and go wipe.
Richard said that he thought it would be funny if he didn't wipe. He said that George asking him why he didn't wipe was funny. Howard told him to take it in the bathroom and do that. Richard was filthy and Will, who wasn't even on mic, could be heard saying ''OH!'' over and over again.
Howard let Richard go off to wipe and took some phone calls. One guy was dry heaving on the phone. The Howard TV guys were showing Richard wiping in the bathroom and there were more ''OHH!'' comments coming from people in the studio.
Howard told Enrique that if he wanted to back out, he'd understand. He spent a minute talking to him about being a gay man. Enrique said he tried to have sex with a woman but he almost threw up. He knew he was gay when he was very young. They talked about the first time he had a man for a few seconds before Richard returned with a slightly cleaner asshole.
Richard said that this was a bit of a defense tactic on his part because he knew he had a guy coming in to do this. He said that a woman doing it would have been different. Artie told Richard that he's a bigger fruit than Enrique is. Richard said that he had a problem with a guy sticking his finger back there.
Howard asked Enrique what he was going to be doing. He told him that he would usually apply this stuff and let it sit. He said that Richard was a little cleaner back there but it was still dirty. Will said that it smelled like asshole in there and kept complaining about it.
Howard asked Enrique if he's ever put his cock in a man and pulled out a plum. He said that he's been with his boyfriend for 13 years and he can't recall that ever happening. Howard asked if they don't do it when they have a shit in the chamber. Enrique said that they'd probably hold off on that. Artie said that he'd imagine that gay guys don't have sex on Thanksgiving night.
Howard spent a short time talking to Enrique about the gay thing and then asked George if he has ever pulled out a plum while having sex. George said he's had some discoloration, not a plum. He said that he and Brad don't really do that stuff now, they stick to oral these days.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is totally out of control hearing George talking about this gay stuff. He said he can't be a Star Trek fan anymore. George told him that he's just an actor and he should try to remember the Sulu he knew on that show and just think of him as that person.
Enrique had Richard get on all fours so he could bleach his ass. Will came over and stuck a dildo near his ass so Richard called him gay. Then Enrique smeared on some of this bleach stuff. Richard said it was really cold. Enrique said they apply it, leave it on for a few minutes and then neutralize it with water. He didn't let it sit too long before he washed it off. He said that it could take 5 or 6 treatments before it lightens up. Today he couldn't tell because there were so many different colors back there.
Howard wrapped up with Enrique and gave him a plug for his web site. He asked Robin if she was interested in doing something like this. She had no desire to do that. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill who wanted to know if Howard is doing Letterman. Howard said the writers are still on strike so he doesn't have to do the show. He doesn't want to go on there anyway so he's kind of glad that they're dark over there. He said that the guys at SIRIUS asked him to do it and he was going to do it for them. He's not looking to go on these talk shows anymore because he doesn't feel he needs to.
Howard said he really doesn't care to go on these shows but the people at SIRIUS think he's disloyal if he doesn't do it. He said that this year God stepped in and did him a favor. He said he was saved from doing it not once, but twice. He said he now believes in God after this. He doesn't have to do Letterman now and he's very thankful for that.
Howard said that Carson Daly decided to go back on the air during this writer's strike. He did a whole explanation for why he was doing it. He said he was supporting the strike but they were going to fire the staff on the show and that's why he's going back on the air. Carson can't afford to pay his staff like Leno and Letterman can.
Howard said that Leno is the kind of guy who waits to see what everyone else is doing before he does it himself. That's why he was ready to give up on his staff and let them go during this strike. He said that TMZ.com got an interview with Jay and asked him about the situation with his staff. Jay was all uptight about doing the interview with TMZ and ended up telling them that he's going to pay his staff week by week hoping that the strike ends soon.
George said that the writers strike lasted for 6 months in 1988. Howard wasn't aware of that. George went on to say that it's really not fair the way the writers and producers get paid. He gave the guys a rundown of where the money goes when something like a movie is sold. They were throwing around numbers and talking about some of the other shows that are on hold right now.
Howard said that if anyone there goes on strike, he's not going to pay anyone. He said he'll support them emotionally, but not financially. He said that it's every man for himself if that happens.
George said that he dyes his hair but leaves a little grey on the temple. He said he does it himself too. Howard said he does a good job. Artie said that he is a gay guy so of course it looks good.
Howard said that he rarely looks at himself on TV so he doesn't pay that close attention to that. He said that Ralph told him it was too short and he was showing too much face. He said that it's so much easier to deal with when it's shorter though.
Howard asked the guys to bring Martina in there, he didn't want to wait. She came in a short time later. She said that they held her up downstairs because of her ID. They didn't recognize her at the security desk. Howard introduced her to George Takei. She said she knows who he is, she used to watch Star Trek and she watches Heroes too. She said she missed the first few episodes this season so she has to get them on her iPod.
Howard talked to Martina about her tennis career and also about her being a lesbian. Howard said that he likes that she has the ability to turn a straight woman gay. He said she's had so many accomplishments in her life including dating this Judy Nelson woman. He said that she was a married woman and a former beauty queen that Martina turned gay. He said that she watched Martina play and she dumped her husband and ran off with her. Martina said that Judy pursued her and it wasn't the other way around.
Howard said he didn't want to pry into her life but he was so in awe of this whole story that he had to know more. He asked her details about how this married woman becomes gay and dumps her husband. Martina said they just went out to lunch and that was that. She said that Judy asked her to lunch from what she remembers. She said that was like 23 years ago though so she wasn't sure if that was the whole story. Martina said she rarely went on dates back then but she had a connection to this woman as soon as they went to lunch.
Martina said that Judy did have problems in her marriage before all of that happened. Howard told her that it was an amazing accomplishment. He wondered if he could turn Martina straight. She said that she may not go straight but she can be with men. It's all emotional stuff, not physical. She said that she has been able to get aroused with a man. She said that she hasn't been able to get it on with a man emotionally, that's the problem. She said that she has had a man since she was 17 and Robin said that was a revelation right there. She said she was just kidding about that.
George Takei said that this happens with all gay people. He was able to have a relationship with a woman and he loved her. Howard said he knew a guy who had sex with a woman he thinks was gay and the guy came out with a black and blue penis because she wasn't into him.
Howard said that he doesn't want Martina to seduce his woman. He asked her to promise to never do that to him. She laughed when she heard that. Howard gave her a plug for the AARP since she's now their health ambassador. Howard said that they sent him a card from the AARP when he turned 50 and it was very upsetting.
Martina said that if she could get to Artie and help him out with her health plan, she'd have him playing basketball every day. Artie said that he'd have to lose about 25 or 30 pounds before he could do that. Howard and Robin told Artie he has to start doing that now, he can't wait any longer.
Howard had Artie tell Martina what he had for breakfast this morning. He had a bagel, Hawaiian punch, a coffee from Starbucks and chocolate chip cookies. Martina said that was quite a combo. Artie went on to read Martina the list of problems he has, that were listed in Playboy. He read the paragraph where they talk about problems like:
Howard got back to Martina and asked her more about this married woman that she hooked up with. Martina said that she wasn't very proud that the woman left her husband but she did date her for 7 years after that so things worked out pretty well for them. She said that she was number 1 in tennis when they met and still number 1 when she broke up with her. She had to settle with her when they broke up even though they were just dating. Martina said that they were living together though.
Howard said that Martina dated a woman before this Judy woman and that one actually shot at her. They talked about that a little bit and Howard found out that Martina may have been cheating on that woman, Rita May Brown, when she got angry with her and shot at her. Martina said that she claimed that she wasn't aiming at her but the bullet just missed her by 10 inches or so. She said that she wouldn't have gone public with that if someone else hadn't come out with the story.
Artie said that maybe Martina should have given that other woman the backhand like Sean Connery says you should do. He said that two broads can fight, they're not men. Howard and Robin told him that you can't have any violence in a relationship like that.
Howard said that if someone shot at him, he could never sleep until it was resolved. Martina said that the other woman was in shock after she did it so she wasn't even able to move after she took that shot. Martina said she wasn't afraid to go home after that, they took the gun away from her. Years later that woman and Judy Nelson hooked up and dated for a short time. Martina said that was very weird.
Howard said that this is some life she's had and wondered if she ever had a threesome or orgies or anything like that. Martina said she thought she would have one some day but it just never happened. She said that she missed out on a lot more than he knows.
Howard thought that Robin was falling for Martina and she was going to steal her away. Martina said that she's married and Robin is straight so that was never going to happen and things worked out for their friendship. Howard said he always pegged Martina as going for the younger women but she's actually dated older women most of the time. Howard went through a list of women that she had dated and most of them were older than her at the time they dated.
Howard asked about the lesbian thing and if it's true that women like women more because they spend more time caressing and stuff. He said that Beth doesn't care about foreplay. Robin said that she must be ''very hetero'' then.
Howard said that Martina has been with her woman for 7 years now but they're not legally married. George said that he's been with Brad for a very long time but they're not legally allowed to marry. He said he would marry him if it was legal to do so. He said that he'd invite Howard to the wedding too. Howard and the guys talked about how they think that even George Bush isn't against the gay marriage thing but he panders to those people who think it's wrong.
Howard asked Martina about Rosie O'Donnell and if she could be attracted to her. She said that it all depends on the person. She said that it doesn't matter if they are over weight. She met Robin when she was still heavy and still liked her, as a friend. Howard asked what's more important, kissing, caressing the breasts or the vagina. Martina said that all women are different so it all depends on that person.
Howard said that he spends very little time on the breasts because he's a vagina man. He said he loves vagina. Artie said that when you get in a vagina, you realize that it's a perfect match and God did that for a reason. Howard asked if toys are important. Martina said that they used to be, but they're not essential now.
Howard said that Martina must want to be with a woman who is in shape. She's in such good shape herself that she must want a woman around who is like her. She said it's really not like that, they have to be healthy but not into sports as much as she is.
Howard asked Martina who she thinks was the best male tennis player. She ran through a bunch of names of the guys she thinks were great. Howard took a phone call who asked Martina if she took steroids when she was playing. She said she never did that and she advised a 15 year old boy against using stuff like that one time. Howard said that she used to work out a lot from what he remembers.
Another caller asked Martina if she ever fantasized about Chris Everett. She said that she really was cute but she never went there with her. She never did that with any tennis players because they were too close.
Howard said he thinks that Martina's life is good now and it had to be tough for her when she was growing up. She said that her father was tough on her teaching her tennis but he helped her get to where she did in her career. Howard said he heard that her father didn't like that she was a lesbian. She said that they didn't talk a lot after that but they did talk some. He eventually read a book about homosexuality and came around. She said that they didn't stop talking completely, they always talked. She said she did take it very personally though.
Howard said he and Martina have to sit down and have lunch sometime. He said he was picturing some stuff that he'd be doing to her if he was a lesbian woman. He said he saw tennis racquets flying around and stuff like that. Martina said that she used a tennis racquet for breaking crab claws one time so that came in handy.
Howard ended up talking about his upcoming wedding and said that they have decided what it's going to be like and when they might be doing it. They're talking to someone who plans these things so they're working on it now. Howard asked if Martina thinks that it'll end in disaster. Martina said she hopes not. She thinks that he knows what he wants now and where he wants to go with it.
Howard wrapped up with Martina and gave her some plugs for the AARP thing. He said you can find out more at AARPFitness.com. Martina said that people have to stay active to stay healthy and that's what she's trying to promote.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Martina is proud that Martina Hingis was named after her. Howard didn't know that was the case but it turns out that it was true and Martina was very happy with that. She played against her mother years ago and she liked that she named her daughter after her. The caller also asked if Anna Kournikova is her type. She said that she's really not.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what kind of panties she was wearing. They soon found out that she doesn't wear panties at all. Howard was wrapping up with Martina but she mentioned that she does some art where she paints with tennis balls. Robin didn't have one yet so Martina said that she'd bring one along with her next time.
Howard asked Martina about drug use and found out she did try some of the not-so-heavy stuff. She said that she's a real lightweight though and got high from painting her nails this morning.
Artie asked Martina if she thinks that there were any guys from her era that she could have beat. Martina said that there was a bet back then saying that she couldn't beat a guy who was ranked 100 and she thought that she could have beaten one. She said that if she had done something like that, she would have had to have had a guy who was similar in stature to her. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that Heidi Klum and Melanie Griffith are two others who do it. Robin said that she uses a handicapped stall in a bathroom but never parks in a spot. Artie wondered if he could get away with parking in one of those spots. The guys told him he could probably apply and get a permit at this point. Artie said that's one advantage to him being over weight.
Howard said that there's a story in the paper about Drew Barrymore drinking again. George said that Artie was eating again and said that it smelled good. It was something red. Howard said it was brown rice and chicken that he's tried to get Artie to eat. There was some tomato sauce on that as well. George said the quantity was quite large though so that's where it gets him. Artie also had a Pepsi with it. Artie said that he's having that instead of pancakes since George made him so self conscious earlier.
Howard said he was reading about Evel Knievel and what a miserable guy he was. He once broke the arm of a publicist with a baseball bat and got sued for over $11 million. The guy was never able to get the money from him though. The guy is still trying to get it and it's worth about $100 million at this point. He's going after Evel's estate now that he's passed away.
Howard read the article about the incident where Evel confronted him and took a swing at his head. The guy ended up blocking the blow with his arm, which may have saved his life, and it shattered.
Howard said that the thing that really shocked him was that Dana found out about his heroin use by listening to the show. Artie said that only two people knew he was using, him and his dealer.
Artie said the sad thing was that his father stole the ladder that he fell off of that paralyzed him. It had Bell Atlantic written all over it so that's why they couldn't lie and sue the ladder company. He spent a few minutes talking about that case and what happened back then.
Steve got back to his news rundown and said they're going to be talking about Artie's coke rage out in Los Angeles one time and how the hospital said that they had never seen so much coke in one person. Artie said that a stripper he met that night saved his life. He said that he met this chick at a bar and she told him she could get him some coke. He said he got belligerent with the guy and the guy had a knife. He said that he thought he was going to die but the chick stepped in and got between him and the dealer. He said she blew him later on after he got her the coke. Howard said that shows that there are good people in this world.
Howard asked Benjy if he got into a fight with his cab driver. Benjy said that he did. Howard said that Ivy Supersonic told them about it but Benjy said she didn't know about it. Howard said they got some other stuff from her and saw some pictures of her and Benjy out visiting her mother's grave. She's been taking him out and doing a lot of stuff with him. Howard figured that it must get annoying at some point. Benjy didn't mind it at all.
Steve said that Artie also reveals in his article that he proposed to Dana 3 times but didn't remember doing it the next day after doing it. Steve also said that they spoke to Sam Simon about George Takei working on The Simpsons and how he doesn't remember it the same way Hank Azaria did. Sam said that they loved having him on the show. George said he didn't remember calling the guy an angel.
Howard thought that Sam was going to call in on the show and talk to George but Gary said that Sam backed out of it after the news department interviewed him. George said that he would never call anyone an angel in front of other people.
Steve said that they spoke to Getty Images about them getting Jim Florentine's name wrong in the pictures of him and Robin together at the DogCatemy Awards. They're now listening him as Jeff Florentine. Steve also said that SternFanNetwork is down for it's second day after some type of attack on the site.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they'll be talking about Richard's ass bleaching segment. Howard interrupted and said that he heard that Richard is going to an Inn for Christmas and they're paying to have elves tuck then in at night. Richard said that they enjoy life and doing stuff like that. They're doing sleigh rides through holiday lights and stuff like that. He said they really enjoy the holiday. Artie told him that kids do that kind of shit, not adults. Richard said they're having a blast doing it.
Gary said that this elf service is only available from 7-9pm so they're going to get tucked in and then go out drinking and go back to sleep later. He heard that the elves read stories and do other stuff like that. Howard said that's just plain weird. Richard said he wants to see if they hire midgets to do that stuff. He told Richard that life isn't a bit all the time.
Richard said he loves the whole holiday thing and he loves doing stuff like that. Shuli came in and said that he heard Richard on the phone a few weeks ago when they were on the road. He was calling a haunted hotel to book a room a year form now, for Halloween. He said he asked Richard if he's hoping to hear ghosts in his room and Richard said he doesn't believe in that shit. He wondered why he'd book a room like that if he doesn't believe in it. Howard had Jon run through the rest of his Wrap Up Show rundown and then had Robin get to her news.
Robin read a story about a helium shortage. That got Howard pissed because of these people who let their helium balloons go flying off and they end up in the oceans and choke birds and stuff like that. He said that he and Beth have actually picked up balloons on the beach and he gets pissed when he finds them. He said he doesn't give a shit about the balloon industry and he's really angry about that stuff.
Robin read through a couple more stories and had Howard playing some of the new Eagles songs. They didn't make it through a full song. They've gone country with their latest album.
There was one story about how some chimpanzees have been found to be smarter than college students. That led to Howard saying that we may not have the right to do some of the stuff we do with animals when they're smarter than some humans.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard thanked George for being there today. He asked Artie if he thinks he'll be able to make it there tomorrow. Artie told him to talk to Teddy (his assistant) about that. Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show asking Robin about something that happened yesterday with Martina Navratilova. He said that Martina wants to go to dinner with him and he's thinking she wants to bang him to see what it's like to have a man. He went on to say that she gave him some gifts yesterday and they turned out to be really nice. He said that Martina and her girlfriend go to Africa and they brought some stuff back. He said that one of the gifts was a chess board from Africa with African chess pieces. He said it was really beautiful.
George Takei said that his parents went to Africa and saw some wild stuff over there. Howard said he'll never get over there to see any of that stuff. He also said that Martina got them a bulldog toy that sings and donated some money to the North Shore Animal League.
Robin got some gifts as well. She said that one of the things she's not even sure what it is. Gary had the same issue. He got something and he has no idea what it is. He showed it to everyone and no one was sure what it could be. They were thinking about putting it on the web site so they can ask someone to identify it.
Gary said that one of the Howard TV guys told him it's a wine bottle holder that you put a bottle in and it balances it. Brian Phelan was the one who came up with that. Howard said that figures, the alcoholic Brian knew what it was.
Robin wasn't even thinking about wine when she saw that. Howard said he was just kidding about the alcoholic thing with Brian too. Robin said that the thing she got isn't that, it was something that looked like a pen or something. Howard said this would make a good game show. They could have Martina give them gifts and they have to figure out what the hell it is.
Howard said he's not sure why he calls Brian an alcoholic because he only had one beer with him one time. He said he had a great time back then though and he'd like to be able to drink with him again. Brian came in and said that he was a little out of hand back then and he was told to calm down. He hasn't had a drink with Howard since then.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Robin is a moron because the wine bottle thing was to keep the cork moist. Robin said that's not it at all, he wasn't seeing what they were talking about. The guy apologized since he hadn't seen it.
Howard said that George had revealed something during that discussion that was very personal and they had to cut that out. George asked if there's any end to this stuff. Howard said there really is no end. Howard said Gary called him yesterday and told him about this and said that George didn't laugh or anything. He took it very seriously.
Howard said he forgot about this idea and Artie just went off and did it. He said that Artie was almost in tears because George was so loving and nice about it. George said that he was going to be there for him and he'd hold his hand through it.
Howard said that he wouldn't play this without George's approval. George said that there were a couple of things in there that he didn't want out there but Artie told him they did cut a little bit out. George also went on to say that there are a lot of gay guys out there who are like Artie and act all manly even though they're gay.
Artie said that this was the hardest acting assignment he's ever had. Robin asked him if he was really gay but Artie said no way to that. He said he's going to submit this for his Emmy.
Howard said he never thinks about how George would take this and he feels bad for goofing on him like this. George said that he really thought Artie was gay too.
Artie said that he was doing this as a goof and he almost started to cry when he thought about how George had to do this for real. He felt dirty doing it because George was telling him these really personal things after he broke the news. He asked George to stop so he didn't have to hear them. George said that they hugged after the conversation and he as going to kiss Artie but he decided against it.
George said that he didn't even tell Brad about this because he promised Artie that he wouldn't do that. Artie said that he used some stuff in his life to go back and create new stories for this whole thing. Gary told Howard that they should stop talking about it and just play the tape.
Howard said that they were going to play the tape but they'll stop it if George gets uncomfortable with any of it. Artie said that he was really despondent over the whole thing.
Howard said that they even have video of this whole thing going down. George had no idea. They showed the hug between the two of them and George was being very sincere. Howard said he thinks that Artie may be gay. Artie said they shouldn't even fuck around with that. He's not gay.
Howard said he was going to play the audio but Artie told George that he should be suspicious when someone comes out to him in Sal and Richard's studio. George then realized that this was all orchestrated and organized just so they could fool him.
Howard played the audio of the conversation and said that there were about 3 minutes taken out because it was too personal. In the clip we heard Artie telling George that this was very awkward for him and said that him coming on the show was a godsend. He tells George that he's very nice and they're good friends and he has a unique problem. He said that years ago he was on the road doing stand-up and rooming with a guy who was a homosexual. Artie said that it was hard to say out loud because it would have such an impact on his world.
Howard interrupted and asked George what he was thinking at this point. George said he didn't know that it was going where it went. He just knew it was something that was torturing him deep inside.
Howard got back to the audio and Artie is telling George about this guy coming on to him and how the guy tried to kiss him. He said there were some confusing thought in his head. Then Artie pauses and tells George that he kissed the guy. The other guy couldn't believe it. Artie tells George that they let it all go after that.
Howard said that Artie was stuffing food into his mouth while they were listening to this. George said that he's heard stories like this quite a few times.
In the conversation we hear George telling Artie he's happy he's coming out to him. Artie went on to say that he had full gay sex with the guy and they gave each other oral and then he fucked the other guy in the ass.
Howard interrupted again and George said that this was all improvisation and it was pretty amazing. Howard said that Artie called him yesterday and explained where he came up with the story and how he really didn't have gay sex. Fred said he's thinking that Artie really wasn't making this up and he's really gay. Artie told him to watch it, that wasn't true at all.
In the clip we hear Artie telling George about how he cried in the other guy's arms and how he wouldn't usually do that. He then tells George that he feels like a hypocrite for doing what he does on the show. George tells him that this is a common thing with straight guys. He said that the human animal is pansexual and they have the wrings in them to do things like that.
George goes on to tell Artie that there are homosexual acts in the animal kingdom as well so everything does it. He said that Artie isn't that unique, we all share that. Howard said that he would have started laughing at that point. George told him that Artie was acting and he was keeping it under control.
George and Artie kept talking about this and Artie said that he's been trying to keep this hidden and he's tried to make things work with women and it just doesn't work. He said that he wants to come out and just tell everyone what he's doing. He said that he could have the courage to help other men who are like him. George asked him to sit at that point but Artie didn't want to sit. Artie sits but then gets right up. George thought he didn't fit in the seat but Artie thought he was going to be out of camera range.
Howard said that they should screen this video in Union, New Jersey, where Artie is from. Artie said they can do that if they want to get shot.
In the audio clip George is telling Artie that it's tough for him too because he's a Japanese American who had to grow up during World War II. He said that he tried to survive in the straight environment but he was living a dual life. He said all of the gay bars were in the seediest part of town. Artie then tells him that he masturbates to all male porno.
George said that he pictured Artie masturbating to gay porn at that point. He said he then understood why he lived alone in that 2 bedroom apartment with a big screen TV.
Howard got back to the clip and Artie is telling George about how he has some money saved up and he'd like to come out on the show and do it on a day that George is there. He said he's given it a lot of thought and he knows that he has friends who will never speak to him again. He said he doesn't care now, he's 40 years old and he feels he has to come out now.
Howard said that Artie should have told George that he was in love with him and he wanted him to leave Brad. He said there was only a minute left of this tape so he got back to that.
Artie tells George that he's going to come out on the show and he feels really bad about calling Sal and Richard gay on the show. Then he says that this guy he made ''sweet love'' to really wants him to come out too. Artie said that he'd appreciate it if he didn't share this with anyone. George said that he wouldn't do that to him. He then talks to Artie about how he's going to survive and he's going to revive his career. He also said that he was a survivor.
Howard said he didn't know about that survivor part. He played the last few seconds where Artie tells George that he loves him and gives him a hug. The two of them talk about how great they both are. George said that Artie has some strength to him and pointed out that he didn't even play for money when they did that weight loss thing.
George said that he can't believe that Artie is that good of an actor and some of that stuff had to have come from somewhere. Artie said that he's not gay. George went in for a kiss at that point but Artie held him back. He said that he could kiss him on the cheek.
Howard said that Artie could have come out on the air and they could have done it that way. George said that it was probably best to do it this way. Artie said that if he tells anyone anything personal, it'll be George. He said if he murdered someone, he'd tell George.
George said that he really thought that this was something real and it was coming from somewhere. Robin said that George was talking to her about taking Artie to some Broadway plays. George said he was thinking about coming out here and taking Artie out instead of Brad. He said he was going to leave Brad behind next time.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that this was an Oscar winning performance. He wondered what Sal and Richard were going to do with the clips from that conversation. Another caller said that this was one of the most fucked up things they've ever done. He said that it was kind of trivializing what a real gay man has to go through. He also thinks that Artie is really gay.
Howard said that he has this message from Artie talking about how bad he felt about this whole thing and how nice George was about it. He said he should play it.
George said that he really didn't have a problem believing that he was really gay. He thought about him in that apartment all alone watching gay porn and it all made sense. Howard took another call from a guy who said he knew that Artie was gay from that stand-up act he does.
Howard said that was it, we all learned that Artie was gay. Fred played Artie singing that Anne Murray song that he sang on the show one time. Artie was even singing along with the song as it was playing. He changed some words to include George in it. Then Fred played the ''Taking it in the Backdoor Mountain'' bit where they put clips of Artie talking to the gay guys he went out and got a make over with.
George said that Artie could have come out and had a lot of things to say for equality. Artie said he's all for equality. He said he can still do stuff for that. George said that he's going to recruit Artie for that. Howard thanked George for being so sensitive. He said it shows what kind of man George is and Robin said it also shows what kind of man Artie is.
Benjy came up with the idea so Howard asked him if that's the way he wanted it to go. Benjy said that it went great and they've actually been waiting about a year to do it. The guys asked George if he would have fallen for Artie if he had made some sexual advances toward him. George said he would have helped Artie but he didn't want to get into trouble with Brad who was listening to the show this morning. He wasn't going to say if he would have given Artie a hand job if he had asked for it. Artie took that as a yes. George laughed and said he wasn't saying that on the air. He didn't want to get into trouble. Howard wondered what George really would have done.
Howard took another call and a guy said that this explains why Artie took a load on his chest. Howard said he doesn't have a very articulate audience. Another guy called in and said that he has to come hang out with him. He said he'd put some grease on Artie's ass and slap him around. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he came out of the closet to his father a couple of years ago and Artie's performance was amazing. He also asked Howard what kind of advice he has for a 21 year old trying to get into the business. Howard said he's the wrong guy to ask about that. He had his own way of doing things and he did it through radio. Other guys go through comedy, like Artie, and do stand-up.
The caller said that the stand-up thing is really hard and he did try it over the summer. Howard said that this was the only thing that occurred to him to do. He didn't have many other options. He said he did like working in kitchens and preparing food but that was about it. He didn't have another career path in mind.
Howard said he likes doing menial tasks but he felt that his family might be embarrassed by it. That's what made him chase that dream to do the radio show. He said you'll hear a lot of early tapes during the Howard Stern History special in a couple of weeks. He said there are a lot of lame things he did starting out and you'll hear some of that.
The caller said that he loves the show and he likes walking around listening to his Stiletto. Howard asked if he has the new one because they all just got one. The guy said he has the old one. Howard said he likes how thin this new one is. Gary said it's thinner than a video iPod and you can just record the songs that play on SIRIUS and save them.
Howard gave the caller a new Stiletto 2 thanks to the guys over at TSS-Radio.com even though the guy already had the original one. George Takei had the new one as well.
Howard asked the guy how he kills the cats. He said he uses an aluminum bat. Howard said that this was repulsive to him. The guy said that the cats aren't that meaty so a small dog is better than a cat. He said that he also takes the food to homeless shelters and feeds people his meals. He said he rarely gets complaints about the meat but he has had them at some points. Robin said that this is illegal and you can't do that. Howard said he didn't want to hear it anymore and he doesn't think that he deserves to hear the show. He wasn't going to give him a Stiletto 2 either.
Howard asked the guys what they think about this. No one was too thrilled with what the guy was saying. The guy said that he used to be really poor and it was tough to pay for food so he started doing it. He said that he's not that poor now. He was saying that these animals are being euathanized so he may as well eat them instead of having them put down.
George said that he doesn't believe in euthanization and he doesn't think that it's right for this guy to steal people's pets. The caller said that he would never eat his own pets. Howard said that maybe there's not much difference between this and eating cows that are raised as pets. Robin said she doesn't think that it's the same thing and she can't justify this.
Another caller said that he's a pet lover and he's a vegetarian. Howard asked him if it was wrong to eat the pets instead of killing them. The guy said that they need to cut down on the number of pets in the shelters but this guy has other opportunities to eat other things and he doesn't need to eat people's pets. Howard said that he was right but the other guy was right too saying that the animals are being put down and he's using them for food. Howard joked that Artie was eating dog as they were talking. Bong Hit Eric asked if he was eating Dana's dog.
Howard asked the guy what kind of dog he likes to eat. He said that the basset hound is the best, chihuahua is the worst. Other callers were saying that this was awful and they should get this guy off the air. One woman said that the cost of adopting dogs is like $40 and this is a fake and they should get him off the air.
The guy said that he's trying to help people who are starving by making them stew. Howard said that this is wrong because he's not telling people what he's doing. He let the guy go a short time later.
Lisa said that there's not enough paper to draw Artie. Howard told her that it's very self involved. George said that it's great and she knows how to market herself. Artie said it's not working though.
Howard the cartoon is kind of hot and he'd like her to dress just like it. She said she will on Saturday night. Howard said that she really doesn't dress like that and her boobs aren't that big either.
Lisa got in a plug for the Stiletto 2 and basically did a commercial for it. She said that Tim Sabean had given the guys there their own as gifts. That led to Howard asking about the merger and what's going on with that. He said that it seems like it's dead and he's not sure how the government gets away with this crap. He wondered if the NAB can be that powerful to keep it from happening.
Howard said that he heard that Benjy was in the elevator with Mel Karmazin yesterday. Benjy decided to assert himself and introduced himself. Mel turned to him and said he knew who he was and tried to fire him 10 years ago. That was it, Mel left after saying that. The guys think that Mel was just busting his chops but it wasn't clear if he was or not.
Lisa was upset with Artie about the comments he was making about her caricature. She was making fun of his weight. Howard agreed with Artie that it was kind of odd.
Lisa said she came up with an idea for Howard TV to have a cooking show where she cooks with a different Wack Packer every week. Robin said they should shoot a pilot. Lisa said that she could do one with Beetlejuice. Robin said that he does make his own breakfast so maybe that would work. Howard said they'll give it a shot if Doug Goodstein is up for it. Artie said they could also just take $20,000 and burn it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that he liked the burning of the 20 grand better. He said he's pretty sure that no one would want to see that. Howard said that's the first thing that Doug has ever turned down. He said he'd like to see her cookie party but they were refused on that. Lisa said it would be too much if she did that and it would be too crowded. Doug said he just wanted 5 minutes but she was refusing them on that. She said she just wanted some privacy. Doug gave her a look so Howard figured that was because she's the one always wanting access to stuff and now she's keeping them from covering something she's doing.
Lisa got to her Howard 100 News headlines and Artie cut her off saying she should have left out the word ''lines'' when she asked if they wanted to hear her ''headlines.'' Howard also cut her off saying that he and Beth have been planning their wedding and he's afraid that they're going to ruin the whole thing by going through with it. Robin told him to just keep it in mind that things are going to work out and stay the way they are. No they won't.
That conversation led to Gary and Fred getting into an argument about Fred's wedding. Fred said that Gary lied about this thing for 20 years. Gary said that he just told Howard about a plumber who ran into Fred's wedding on the beach one day and Howard took that story and twisted it into that guy being his best man. Fred said that no one just walked by and stopped at his wedding.
Fred was going nuts and said that his real best man was his dad, not that plumber. He said that his mom and dad were there and some other close family. That was it. Howard asked about the plumber and Fred was very irritated over that. He kept telling Gary that he was irritated with him for bringing it up over the past 20 years. Gary told Fred he was nuts and Fred shot back with the same thing.
Gary said that Fred does the same type of stuff to other people. Fred said that this doesn't come close to what he does. Fred said that Gary portrayed it like that guy was part of the wedding. He said that it didn't come out the way Gary was making it out to be when they brought it up on the air the first time.
Fred said that if he has something brewing inside he'll just let them know, unlike Gary who just sits on an egg. Gary didn't know what that meant but Howard didn't care and cut them off and had Lisa get back to her thing.
Lisa said that Ivy Supersonic has been showing her affection for Benjy by putting together clips from Howard's web site, MarksFriggin.com and audio clips from the show, on her web site IvysMedia.com. She also said that Bob Levy is upset over his porn movie nomination and some stuff going on with that.
Lisa wrapped up a short time later and then Ralph called in and said that Fred is getting worked up a bit about all of this stuff. Fred said that it wasn't real rage, it was just irritation. Howard thanked Lisa and let her go after that.
Imus doesn't know if he's on the air or not and has a very boring discussion with his guys about that. They call him ''I-man'' during the show so Howard got annoyed with that. He played some other clips where they're working out their technical problems on the air. They have all kinds of noises going on and Imus's voice is all grumbly. Howard said that's all he hears when Imus is talking, that grumble. He said that Imus has been trying to do this show for how many years and he still can't get it right.
Howard said that show is radio at it's worst. He said that he has no ratings. When he left WFAN, it didn't make a dent in the station's ratings. He said they put on Boomer Esiason to replace him and he's doing the same ratings as Imus. He said that the audience didn't bother leaving.
Howard said that Imus had a 1.3 rating and it's possible that it was as low as a .3 rating with the error built into the ratings. He and Robin goofed on him about that and listened to some more of the show where they didn't have people on the microphone and stuff like that.
The show sounded less professional than a college station show. Howard played a bunch of clips and they just couldn't get Imus to hear anything of what was going on. The guys were trying to get it straightened out but it was a nightmare. In one clip they talked about the cuts they were going to play for the news and how they had a script for that.
Fred did his impression of Imus saying some of the stuff he was saying in those clips and had everyone laughing. Howard said that show is really a train wreck. Artie said it's literally a train wreck.
Howard read the article about that story and said that she shoved the stuff in his meatballs and used about 6 joints worth of the stuff in them. The guys spent a few minutes on that story.
Howard read a story about Mike Huckabee and the controversy surrounding him. He was asked if he thinks that Mormonism is a cult or not. He said it wasn't his business to say if it was or not and refuses to answer. Now the papers are saying that he's afraid to say that it is a cult. Howard said that every religion is a cult and it's all horse shit. That's what Huckabee should have said. Howard said that he wouldn't vote for this guy anyway but they're making too big of a deal out of this.
Howard said that this guy who went into Hillary Clinton's campaign office was apparently trying to get himself shot by the cops but they didn't shoot him. He claims he wasn't going to hurt anyone, he just wanted to die.
Howard said that the New York City cops have been catching people by putting a wallet on the ground and arresting the people who pick it up. One guy picked it up thinking he could help someone and he got questioned about it. He said he felt the hand on his shoulder and the cops questioned him about picking it up. They ran the guy through their system to do a check on his criminal history.
Howard said that they can stick people behind bars for 4 years if they arrest them for grand larceny. The guys said that this was weird and it seemed like entrapment.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked him for running this radio show because it's so great. He said he busted the radio in his rental car yesterday because he was so pissed at the crap on the radio. Howard ended up giving him one of those Stiletto 2 radios he was giving away thanks to TSS-Radio.com. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that John is going to do a little bit of John Lennon's ''Imagine'' for them. John said that they wanted to perform with Sean Lennon one time at a concert but he backed out. He said Sean told his people to let them know that they should go ahead and perform the song though.
Howard was hearing some hiss in the studio so he had to ask Scott to work on that. He got back to John and asked him about his stomach stapling and how he lost a lot of weight. He said that he's right around 270 right now and that's down from over 400 pounds.
Howard said that in July 2007 John was stopped for speeding at 111 MPH and they found pot, four rifles, 9 hand guns, brass knuckles, a knife, a shotgun, a Taser and more. John said that he wasn't driving. He said that he likes to shoot and he was just bringing home some weapons he was using.
John said that he was down in Texas and shooting down there and he was on his way home from a month long stay down there. All of the guns were legal but they ended up taking his car after they found a secret compartment and stuff. He said that he got arrested for the weed, not for all of the guns and stuff. He said it had nothing to do with the guns.
John said that the secret compartment was a problem. That's what got him into big trouble. Howard asked him why he would carry all of those guns with him. He said he's a kook, what does he want him to say. John said that the guns are cool and he likes shooting them.
Howard asked John why his car has emergency lights and a PA system. John said that he has that to get people the fuck out of his way if there's a natural disaster. He said that sometimes he'll get on the PA system and tell them to get out of his way when he's driving. He said that works well because the people think they have a cop behind them.
Howard read that John was dating a 24 year old cheerleader from New England. John said that she wanted to be at home up there so things didn't work out for them.
Howard said he has two guns, not 300 like John, and he kind of likes them. John even has a Civil war cannon that he paid 10 grand for. John said he likes that because it can fire a can of dog food really far. Howard said he's like a little kid. John said that's exactly what it is. He's like a little kid.
Howard asked John about his surgery and if he gained any of the weight back. John said that he gained like 10 pounds back after losing a ton. He said that he smokes like crazy now because of that. He's addicted to cigarettes and to alcohol. He said that he and Artie could hang.
Howard asked John how Blues Traveler is doing. They've been out touring since July so they're doing well. John said that Chan drives him nuts though. He said they want to kill each other but even with the guns, no one gets shot.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he and John both had the same surgery and the alcohol really affects them much differently than it used to. He said he can't even drink 2 drinks anymore. He was also saying that smoking is something that people get addicted to after having this surgery.
Howard asked the guys to perform their cover of ''Imagine'' after that and gave them some plugs for their new single ''Just For Me'' which is available on their album ''Cover Yourself.'' John and Chan performed ''Imagine'' in that very different Blues Traveler way, with harmonica.
After the song Howard asked why he has two harmonicas. John said there are two scales on the two different ones. Howard said that it drives him nuts that he smokes and still has that voice he has. John said that it actually helps him sing better. He told the kids out there that if they want to sing well, they should smoke.
John said he had a quick song to sing for them because some of the guys tell him it's ''fuckin gay'' and won't let him sing it. Chan said that he thinks it's awful and he doesn't want him playing it during their concerts. The song was Greasepaint Lullaby. He sang it acapella, it was just about a minute and a half long. After he sang the song George said he loved it and thought it sounded great. George is gay so maybe Chan was right. Howard said he wouldn't put it on an album but it wasn't that bad.
Howard joked that George Takei had muttered the word ''fag'' during that performance. Robin said that John could do that during a concert but it doesn't belong on an album.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that it was fuckin gay. He said the first song was great though. Howard gave the guys another plug for their new album and tried to play their single ''Just for Me.'' You can find out where Blues Traveler is performing at their web site BluesTraveler.com. Howard eventually found the song he was looking for and played it for everyone.
After playing the whole song Howard told them it was a great performance. They seemed surprised that Howard got through the whole song. Howard asked them if they liked the new studio and if they cursed at all this morning. Chan did but John didn't get too dirty. Howard said he was glad to see that John was still keeping the weight off. He said that he's no longer diabetic either. He said that he had a 75 percent chance of dying having the surgery done and he's glad that he made it through. Howard said he's thinking of having it done too so he can get down to his target weight of 90 pounds. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said he had a couple of things he wanted to get to earlier. He took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she just lost her father last week and she doesn't know how she'd get through her days without the show. She was in tears as she was telling him this stuff. She said that he had diabetes and died a couple of days after going into the hospital. She told Artie to watch it with his weight. Howard asked her if his last words were ''Thank God I don't have to hear that voice anymore...'' Mariann said they probably were. Mariann also liked the cover of ''Imagine'' that the guys had just performed. Howard didn't hang up on her like he usually does, he just let her go and said he was sorry for her loss.
Howard said he heard Richard on the Wrap Up Show talking about how he and his girlfriend are going to have elves tucking them in at a hotel they're staying in. They asked Richard if he told them that they didn't have kids to tuck in. Richard said he didn't but he won't have a problem if they don't want to do it with adults. He said he's just curious to find out if they have midgets playing the part of the elves. Howard said Richard wants some mail elves to tuck him in. Richard said he'd love to have some old midgets tucking him in.
Howard said that Richard is going on vacation and he's going to have these elves tuck him in as part of the hotel service. Artie said he couldn't wrap his head around that insane idea. Richard said he likes to hear holiday stories and stuff like that. Howard told him that he's an adult and he doesn't want anything to do with that kind of stuff now. Howard told him he sounds creepy.
Robin said that someone should check his computer to see what he's really up to. Artie said he can't believe that he found a woman who's willing to do this with him.
Howard asked George if he finds this creepy. George said it's peculiar but not creepy. Howard read the Elf Tuck In sheet where it explains what they do there at the hotel. Howard said that it's really creepy and it's not made for adults to do. This is for kids on Christmas, not for a couple of 30-something people to do.
Artie said that he thinks that they're going to have the cops come and arrest Richard when he asks them to do this stuff. Richard said they're just doing Christmas-like stuff when they go on vacation. Ralph called in and said he thinks that Richard is retarded. He had a whole list of stuff that he's been hearing him say. He said that he lives in filth, he used to live in a storage shelter, he doesn't clean himself, he laughs when they goof on him, he has the ability to focus on one thing like Rain Man... Howard cut him off and said that Ralph doesn't like Richard but Ralph said he does like him, he just thinks he's retarded.
Artie said that Richard is the kind of guy who can shit himself and sit in it all morning long. That's what he did yesterday. He didn't wipe after shitting. Richard said he doesn't think he's retarded, he said he does this stuff as a goof and he did just fine in school when he was growing up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there was a conversation on the Wrap Up Show where Sal offered to stick his pouch (foreskin) in Richard's ass. Howard played the clip after the guy brought it up. Gary asked Sal if he would stick his pouch into Richard's ass and Sal said that was a tough question. He said that if he does it, it's art, not gay. He said if he did it, it wouldn't be gay because he's not gay. He said it would just be his foreskin too, not the whole penis. He said there wouldn't be any movement there either, he'd just stick in the pouch.
Richard said no to that but he also said they have 3 more years left there so there's no telling what might happen before then. Artie said that Richard may be retarded because he falls for stuff all the time like Richard sticking his cock in his face and stuff, and he just laughs about it after he falls for it.
George was surprised that Richard's girlfriend lets him get away with this stuff. Richard said that it's the same sex and he's not gay so it doesn't bother her.
Howard said something came out about the XM/SIRIUS merger and it says that they may rule on the merger by Friday of this week. Howard said you can only hope that they come to their senses about this and let it go through. He said he's amazed at how long it's taking for them to give an answer on this merger thing.
Howard said that the NAB is trying to say that this would be a monopoly but that's just not the case. He said that they're competing with terrestrial radio, iPods and other mediums.
Howard read some feedback about Artie being out sick this week and about his $72,000 pay check from that one comedy show he did. George was wondering where he could find that Playboy magazine that Artie was in. He wasn't able to find it anywhere around Times Square yesterday. The magazine is actually due to hit newsstands this Friday.
Howard read some mail about Robin bashing Artie. One fan said she had no right to do that to Artie and she should back off.
Howard said that there were more people commenting on the ''Christmas in Fallujah'' song. There was some stuff about Richard's ass bleaching that will be on Howard TV tonight.
Howard said there was an e-mail from someone who complained about Robin saying something kind of anti-Semitic. She apparently said something about the reason that Jews get pushed into the ovens is because they complain about not having a menorah in the lobby there at SIRIUS. Robin said it was just a joke though.
Howard read some feedback about Martina Navratilova's interview from yesterday. The fans seemed to like that interview as well. There was some feedback about Jessica Hahn and all of the calls she's been making to the show lately. Some of the fans like her calling in and being so honest about her sex life, others don't want her on. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Dave pronounced George's last name wrong at first so they corrected him. Dave then went on to say his name differently every time. He said Takoo, Tiki, and others. George had some fun goofing on him saying that he thought he saw him at a Star Trek convention back in 1974. Dave said he was going to change who his favorite Star Trek guy was to Chekhov if he kept that up.
Dave said he's not gay but he would blow George. He said he'd give him that toothy high school blow job though. He also said that he was saving his good blow job for Shatner. He didn't know that George didn't like Shatner. George was going to tell him but Dave kept interrupting and telling him about all of the movies and TV he liked seeing him in. Dave said that George worked with John Wayne in a movie one time.
Howard asked Dave about this writer's strike and if he's part of that. Dave said he is but he's always screwed up jobs he had as a writer on shows like SNL. Dave said that he was in line for something one day and someone recognized him and asked what he was up to after losing his Comedy Central show Insomniac. He told the guy he was doing an HBO special and the guy said ''That's it?'' like it was nothing.
Dave said that he went down to picket for this writer's strike and brought some coffee down to them but then Richard Belzer showed up with some chicken parmesan sandwiches and showed him up. Artie said that he was at the picket line and it turned into a big circle of writer's whining.
Dave told Artie he really should go to Iraq to entertain the troops. He was over there himself. Artie told him that he's going next year. He said he's supposed to go so maybe they should do it the same week. Dave told him that he wants to see how Artie survives that 130 degree heat. Dave said that they love comedy over there. He said that they did this one base and he looked out and it was like the worst show they ever did. He said he wondered who these people were that they were entertaining and they found out that they were special forces. Dave said that he was in Baghdad and it really was the dumpiest town he'd ever seen.
Howard read that Dave likes this Miss Howard Stern reality TV show. Dave said that he thinks that they should make it more Hefner like and send her out on missions to do things like raise money for them with a bikini car wash or something. Howard said he likes that, he could make it like a Charlie's Angels thing. Artie said they'd have to do more simple stuff. Dave said ''... like two cocks in her mouth?''
Howard said that Lisa G just pitched a show today where she'd cook with Wack Packers. Dave gave that one a ''Hmmm...'' He said that he was thinking of a show called ''On Your Mark, Get Set, Brunch'' and it has Howard and Beth doing a show that didn't make much sense. Howard said it's no wonder he was fired from SNL.
Dave said that he was at SNL when Jay Mohr, Chris Farley and people like that were there. He said he'd pitch ideas but he just didn't get it. He said he was a fan of the show when he was growing up but he just didn't get the whole thing.
Dave was saying that when he gets really bored and wants to listen to Imus, he'll just take a cowboy hat and stick it on a pile of dirty laundry. They spent a short time on that and then Howard gave Dave some plugs for his HBO special. Dave said that he'll also be at Caroline's in Manhattan later this month. You can find out more at DaveAttell.com
Steve said they've also seen that someone has it in for Artie on Wikipedia.org. Someone has been posting stuff about him in there that's very negative.
Howard interrupted and asked Dave if he's dating. Dave said he is seeing someone. He later said that Artie's sister is the nicest person in the world. He said that he could never date her though. Artie said that he'd love to have Dave dating her. He said that it would be hard not to be the funniest person in the family anymore though. Dave said that he is attracted to her.
Artie said that this actress friend of theirs throws this party and they both go to it. He said that a lot of comedians show up and there are always hot chicks there. Heather Graham is one who is there every year but no one can get close to her according to Dave.
Artie said that Quincy Jones' daughter goes to this party too and he said that he and Dave both do shots with her when they see her. Artie said that he'll always say something awkward and she ends up walking away.
Steve said that they have a story about Riley Martin doing a voice for a cartoon. Jackie Martling is also going to be in a movie so they'll have more on those stories today on Howard 100 News.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Artie coming out to George, Howard's wedding plans and Lisa G wanting to go to the wedding, John Popper's performance, Ralph's theory on Richard being Retarded, Dave's appearance and more.
Howard said he used to smoke himself and he was smoking 3-4 packs a day. He said there was barely enough time in the day to smoke. He said he was really addicted. He said one day it just didn't make sense to him that he was breathing in fresh air and then smoking.
George Takei went into an Artie impression and goofed on him for a few seconds which kind of frightened a couple of the guys. George wasn't playing along when Howard asked him some questions. He eventually came around and started goofing on Artie a little bit. Dave said that was like Dat Phan doing impressions of Mexicans.
Robin also read some stuff about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline before Howard said he had to go to break. He was about to go but told Dave about the tittle of his book and how the book company didn't let him call it ''Mein Kampf'' or ''Howard Stern's Penis'' so he had to settle on ''Private Parts'' just like he had to settle on Captain Miserable for his HBO special.
After the break we heard a prank call that Sal made to a pizza place giving the guy a jumble of letters for his last name. Fred played some Van Halen as they were coming back so they talked about their tour for a short time. Howard said he's been hearing some stuff about them being ready to kill each other and that the tour may not last too much longer.
Howard said that George was asking Dave if he really thinks that the Heroes show is too gay. Dave said he really does believe that. He doesn't like all of the super powers that they have on the show.
Robin got back to her news and talked about Dave Chappelle doing 6 hour long comedy shows. Robin said that Dane Cook announced he was going to try and break the record so Dave Chappelle went out and did a few more minutes to extend his record. The guys said that after an hour or hour and a half you're burnt out. Robin wondered what happened to Chappelle, he doesn't talk to them anymore and he's doing 6 hour long comedy shows.
Dave Attell said that he has the longest shit joke ever in his HBO special. Howard said that he figures that Chappelle can't be doing comedy for that long. It can't be a full 6 hours. He said he has to get off and go pee and stuff. Dave said that he thinks that he and Artie should do one of these epic shows like that.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Kimmel's staff being laid off because of the writer's strike. Kimmel is covering most of his employee's salaries out of his own pocket. That led to Dave talking about how he was supposed to be on Conan tomorrow night. Howard told him that probably won't happen. He told him that he was supposed to be on Letterman this week but the writer's strike came through and saved him from that horror.
Howard played a new Wood Yi Christmas song during the news called ''Sushi Smells'' to the tune of ''Jingle Bells.''
At one point Dave Attell said that he used to beat off to the girls that were on Star Trek. He said it was usually the chicks who were on the planets they visited. The guys spent a little time talking about some of those classic episodes and some of the hot chicks that were on them.
Robin read through a few more stories after that. Howard and the guys were talking about some stuff while they had Van Halen's ''Hot for Teacher'' during their discussion and that's when Howard realized how long the intro to the song was. It went on pretty long. He let some of the song play and Dave Attell wondered what happened to the kid Waldo who was in the video for that song many years ago. Howard said he'd like to know what became of him too.
Robin finished up her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am after giving everyone their plugs.
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Howard started off the show asking George Takei to do a quick announcement. George said a few words about the holiday season and said ''Fuck Hank Azarious'' (Azaria). Howard asked him if he's been going to Broadway plays all this week. George said he has and talked about a play he saw yesterday. Howard asked him if it's hard for him not to be on stage when he goes to a play like that. George said that it really is. He said there are many roles that he'd like to leap on stage to take over. He said he thinks that this person who was in the play he saw yesterday was very good and he thinks they'll be seeing more of him. He said the man was dirty, filthy and not all that clean looking but he thinks that he'd clean up nicely.
Howard said he thinks that George gets to play a great role on Heroes and wondered if George thinks he's been able to show off his talents. George said he has done some plays and he's been able to do that in those. Howard asked him when he knew he wanted to be on stage. George said he was 8 or 9 when he realized that. He was told that he'd never get a shot being Japanese and that's what his family thought. He said his father wanted him to go into architecture.
George said he did go to school to become an architect. He was 2 years in when his father saw an ad for a job dubbing over something in 1957. He said that he's been getting paid to do stuff in show business for 50 years now. The seed was planted at that point and he had to go to New York and study acting. His father told him it was okay to go but New York was very expensive and he had to do it on his own.
George said that his father told him he'd like to have a college degree before going to acting school. He suggested he go to UCLA instead. If he went to New York he'd be on his own. George said he was practical and went to UCLA instead.
Howard said George did voice overs for Godzilla movies. George said that he did the Rodan movie. He played the voices of the panicked voices in Japan and did the screaming and stuff. Artie knew those voices and said he used to watch that stuff.
Howard asked George what he's doing after this week. George is working on an independent movie, called ''The Red Canvass,'' when he goes back and talked about that for a short time.
Howard said Beth said she tuned in and heard the show and thought that was very mean but she laughed really hard. Howard said he'd like to be able to do that again and have Artie do a really effeminate voice this time. Artie said he thought about crying uncontrollably and maybe cry on George's shoulder for 15 minutes straight.
Howard said he could see Artie doing his effeminate voice with George and asking him if he could ever love him. He had a whole conversation made up in his mind. George said he would have burst out laughing if that had really happened. Howard doesn't think so.
Artie was saying that the creepiest role he ever saw John Travolta in was the one where he dressed up as a woman. He seemed like he was way into that part though.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie after that. He got some about him calling in sick earlier this week and also about the gay stuff he did with George. One guy said it was the greatest thing ever, another guy said it was mean spirited and callous. In another one someone suggested that George fuck Artie in the ass and make him humble. George said he doesn't have a sexual love for Artie but Robin told him that's not what it would be about, it would be all for pleasure.
Howard read through a few more and some people think it wasn't cool to break George's trust once again. More people were saying it was mean and cruel. There were others who thought the whole bit was great.
Howard said some people are upset with Hank Azaria over the stuff he said about George. He read through some stuff about Martha Stewart sprucing up the Christmas tree up there at SIRIUS. Howard said he likes that she did that because they've worked at some places that just don't care about that kind of stuff and the environment they work in. Some people agreed with Howard, others didn't care about her doing up the Christmas tree.
Howard said he finally got one negative e-mail about George. The guy said that his complaint is that George just isn't on the show enough.
Howard read some feedback about the guy who called in about eating dogs and cats. People were upset with that guy.
Howard said that Benjy was on the Wrap Up Show saying that he could perform a better version of the song. Benjy said that he actually said it was a more ''moving'' performance. Benjy then got up and said he had to look up the lyrics on the web. He had the lyrics ready to go but kept asking them to hold on.
Benjy kept hesitating and asked Fred to tell him when to start. They went back and forth with that trying to get him ready to go but it was a mess and he still didn't know when to start. Benjy tried it and missed his timing. Artie said it was already worse. Howard tried helping and sang some for Benjy. Benjy tried it a couple of times but he kept missing the starting point.
Howard was going to do the first line and let Benjy take over after that. Benjy took over and sang but he was a little off key. Robin told Benjy he could stop because no one would listen to him singing this song. Benjy said he couldn't hear himself in the headphones and he thinks that he could do it much better. He asked Howard to start it off again so he could try again. Howard told him he'd give him one more chance.
Howard started off the song and Benjy took over once again. He was still off a little bit so Howard was laughing at him. Fred stopped playing guitar but Benjy kept singing. Howard told him to stick to Ivy Supersonic. Artie told him that he'd tell him if he was singing well and he just wasn't. Howard and the guys said that everyone was moving away from that station now that they heard that.
Fred said that he thinks that Gary was lying back then and he's carried that story on for many years. Fred was much calmer this morning and wasn't yelling at Gary this time. Gary said that he thinks that Fred shouldn't be mad at him, he should be mad at Howard because he's the one who has kept the myth going all these years. He said that Will thinks that as well. Fred said that he can't believe that he's going with something that Will is saying.
Fred started going off on Will so Will came in and said something about the scorpion tattooed on Fred's arm. Artie told Will to tread lightly there. Will said he probably should and he should watch out for someone who has a scorpion on his arm.
Howard said that if you watch the episode of Howard TV where Richard had his asshole bleached, you'll see Will sticking a dildo in his ass. Artie said he missed that, he wasn't looking at Richard's shitty ass at the time. Howard said that he hopes that Will and Fred will be okay. Fred said he doesn't bother him, he's just a dipshit.
Richard went on and on for a few minutes and they actually cut 2 minutes out of the call to shorten it up. They let him stay on for quite a while.
Fred said he had a new song for Will and it was very short. It was to the tune of ''Imagine'' and he just sang ''Imagine Benjy Can't Sing.'' Howard didn't know what he was doing there and wasn't sure why they went there. Fred didn't seem quite sure but said it was a joke and he knows he probably confused everyone.
Artie had some kind of new bag he was carrying and using for his lunch table. They spent a few seconds talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who plugged a web site, RockysRubberRoom.com, which kind of pissed Howard off. He said he doesn't like when people do that. The guy asked Fred for his thoughts on who he's going to back in the Presidential run so Howard played the ''Fred'' song and let him answer the question.
Fred said that he would probably support Hillary Clinton even though he took a test online that told him he'd probably pick Barack Obama. Fred said that he can't back any republicans at all so he'd go with Clinton. Howard wrapped up the Fred segment just seconds after playing the Fred song. He went on to talk about how he'd probably back Clinton as well but she's got some crazy bug eyes going on now and she's got to do something about that.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about what it might be like if Clinton won the election. George said that other countries have women running them and this could be revolutionary for this country. Howard thanked him for that and said that he doesn't have a theme song for him. Fred sang a little ''George, George, George, George'' for him since they didn't have one made up.
Howard said they have Ricki Lake coming in today. He said he read that John Mayer has been trying to woo her lately. He read that he's been texting Ricki a lot and he may even text her during the show. Howard and Robin talked about Ricki's weight loss and gain and spent a couple of minutes talking about these fat people who lose a few pounds and think that they look really good when they really don't. Howard said he saw that on The Biggest Loser. He said there are some women who just can't get down to that point where they look really good. Howard said he doesn't get how these fat women can't lose more than one pound a week.
Tim Sabean came in to explain what happened there. Riley was saying that he thinks that there's some kind of conspiracy to get him off the air there. Howard said he doesn't think about Riley's show at all and he wouldn't conspire to do something like that. Riley lost 13 minutes of his show that night. Tim said that they had an ISDN problem that night, it was as simple as that. He said that they're going to fix that and the show will be back to normal.
Riley said that he didn't think that they'd want to put a damper on his love for them there. Howard said they didn't do that and thanked him for calling in. Riley told them to fix the shit and he'll be fine.
Howard said that it's a very simple thing here. This is a music delivery system that competes with many other things, including regular radio, which is free! Robin pointed out the free thing. Howard said that if it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen but they shouldn't drag this process out. He said that it should have happened months ago. It's been dragging on for about 11 months now.
Howard said that no other mergers take this long to get approval. Other companies talk about merging and they're done within a couple of months.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loved the show yesterday but he felt bad for poor George. He also said that he hoped to be upgraded to a new Stiletto 2 but Howard didn't have any more to give away. Howard said that the new one is terrific. Howard said that the technology is getting better and better as it goes along.
Robin said that the quality is really good and some people have told her how much they're enjoying it. Howard said it's like CD quality. He said that they used to call it CD Radio.
Howard said he got an e-mail from a guy who said that his mother loved his show but she just passed away last weekend. The guy was from Canada and said that she asked to hear the show shortly before she passed away. She died while listening to it. Artie said he hopes that it didn't happen while JD was talking.
Howard wondered why they don't have great food at a great restaurant like that. Fred said that it would cost too much. George said that it already costs too much as it is. Howard asked Richard how his evening was. Richard said they sat next to a Christmas tree and it was perfect looking out the window at all of the lights. Richard said he had some drinks and stuff and had a great time out with George.
Howard said that Beth said she wants to go out to dinner with George and Brad so they'll have to do that next time he's in town.
George said that Richard was on his best behavior last night and they didn't stay out too late. Richard said that Brad and George are such a sweet couple and Brad will roll his eyes at him once in a while. He said that they're great together though. Howard thanked them for that update and let Richard go. He said that shows that maybe Richard isn't retarded.
George said that Richard's girlfriend is very delightful and he's amazed that he was able to get a girl like that. Howard said that he'd like to see him hold on to her.
Howard said there is talk going on and where there's talk, there's hope. The caller was from Sarasota, Florida so Howard mentioned that it's one of his favorite spots down there. He's been there before and really likes it. He said that it's nothing like Tampa, it's south of there. He said that the weather is great and the ocean is nice. He said that there's nothing to do down there, he just stares at a wall like he does there in New York.
Howard said that he can go to the movies in the middle of the day or something like that. It's beautiful down there. He said that they live a civil life down there and you don't have to deal with so many people like you do in New York city. Howard complained about the cold weather and snow there in New York City. He said it's miserable there.
Fred read the chart and tried to figure it out but he wasn't having much more luck. He said that it's taking twice as long as the previous longest one which was the AOl/Time Warner merger. Gary read some other stuff about it and figured it was an older article. Howard wondered what the hell it is that's holding it up.
Artie said that he saw a baseball card company merger between the two huge companies. That's not good for the public. There was a private jet company merger and that can't be good either but they let those go through. Howard said that something is up with this merger and someone should investigate it. Howard ended up goofing on Gary for a few minutes before going to break.
George Takei did a quick announcement before Ricki came in. He said that she used to host her own TV show and was in the movie Hairspray. She was making about $10 million a year doing that show of hers and she walked away from it after 12 years.
Howard said that Ricki was looking hot this morning. He was very surprised and shocked. Robin said it had to be an impersonator. Artie said that she's as skinny as the other chicks in her band. No one knew what he was talking about. He thought that it was Carnie Wilson! He apologized for that.
Howard asked Ricki how she lost the weight. She said she did it on her own and didn't have any surgery to do it. Howard told her to lose maybe 10 more pounds. Ricki said that she didn't think she could lose that much more. She was at a size 4 dress already. Howard told her there was a little more jiggle there and she could slim down a tiny bit more. He said he could see her with a more defined look. She said that this is as good as it gets.
Howard told her to tell them about what's going on with her and John Mayer. She didn't know what he was talking about but Howard said it's all over the paper. Howard asked her where she met him. She said she just met him 2 nights ago at a party for Ken Sunshine. She said that she met some other people like Reverend Al Sharpton and guys like that.
Howard said that this makeover isn't quite there yet. He said that Ricki is looking good but she can do a little better. She said she's only 5'3'' and right at about 126 pounds. Howard told her to get down to like 116 and she'd be good.
Howard got back to the John Mayer thing and said he heard that Mayer went up to her and told her that he's always had a crush on her. He got her number and they've been texting each other since. Ricki seemed embarrassed by it all but she said that she's never pursued anyone high profile like that. She said it's weird to talk about it and there's really nothing to talk about.
Howard said that this could be a big score for her, if she loses another 10 pounds. Artie said that he'd like to see her after being on ''the pipe'' for a while. He told her the pipe was a crack pipe. Howard asked her about what they text each other, 143 (I Love You)? Ricki wasn't saying and said that she would even give Howard her number if he asked for it. She said it wasn't that big of a deal and there wasn't any news there.
Howard asked if her ass is full of cellulite. She said that it's good. She also said that she was wearing a night gown. Howard checked her out again and said that just 10 more pounds and she'd be good.
Artie asked if Mayer talked about watches because he met him one time and he's really into them. Ricki said he may have. Howard told her that her face is really beautiful and he couldn't get over that. Robin said that they rarely see someone who was fat slim down and have such a pretty face.
Howard said that Ricki is in a new movie and she's naked in it. They weren't able to get a copy of it though. Howard said that she has her baby in her bathtub under water. He said he doesn't like that because she should have it in a hospital where they can be prepared to handle it if something goes wrong. Ricki said that this was safe and she wanted it to be as gentle as possible having the baby. She said that you see her boobs and beaver in the movie. She said that she's not shaved now and she's not shaved in the movie. She said that she is kept up but not bald.
Howard asked Ricki when she last waxed. She said that it was about a week and a half ago. She said that it comes back in pretty quick and she doesn't have time to do it that often. Howard said that he's been attracted to Ricki for a long time. He wondered if she lost her husband after she lost the weight. She said that it wasn't because of that, she just lost it over the past few months.
Howard said that maybe they should text John Mayer right now. Ricki didn't know how he found out about that whole thing. Howard jokingly told her that he had been following her around. Ricki went on to talk about how she likes the divorce lifestyle because she has a lot of time for herself.
Howard told Ricki to text John ''Your new girlfriend has a hairy bush.'' She laughed when she heard that. Howard asked her why she won't lose this extra 10 pounds. She said that maybe she will. She said she was at a size 26 jeans and now she's at a 4.
Gary brought in Ricki's bag so she could text him if she wanted. She said she wasn't sure if she could do that. Gary assured her that he's a big fan of the show and it would be safe. Howard wanted her to write to him and tell him that she'd just told Howard Stern that she had a hairy bush.
Howard asked Ricki when she was last with a dude. She said it was just last week and it was just some guy, no one that anyone would know. She said that the kids were with their father so she didn't have to worry about them.
Ricki asked what she should text John Mayer. Howard told her that she should write that if he will date her, she'll give up her kids for adoption.
Howard told Ricki some stuff to text but she wasn't going for it. Artie told her to text something racist. They told her what to write and she eventually said she was writing that Howard Stern was raping her and his fingers were inside of her. Artie told her to write that she hates the Jews too. She's a Jew herself so she didn't want to do that.
Howard told Ricki that she was looking cute today. He kept telling her that throughout the interview. He asked her about giving up her show and why she did that. She said she was ready to move on and do some other things at the time. She said it was just a different marketplace at the time too. She said she's got plenty of money now and she's doing just fine.
Howard asked Ricki to write to John Mayer that she's afraid that he won't fit inside of her. She said that she was waiting for him to respond to the other one. Howard gave her a few lines like ''If you don't fuck me, I'm going to go out with Dave Matthews.'' She agreed to that and typed it into her phone. He also told her to write that her skin is better than Cameron Diaz's is. He also told her to write that she wants to have his baby in her bathtub. She agreed to do that.
Howard gave Ricki a plug for her new movie ''The Business of Being Born'' and said he read that she went out and bought breast milk that was from another woman. He said that's just wrong. Ricki said that she had a breast reduction back in 1991 and wasn't able to produce enough of her own milk at the time. Howard said he hates to hear that she had a breast reduction. Robin had one done too and Howard said that he wanted to spank her when she did that. It's so wrong to reduce those things when they're so big.
Ricki told Howard about the boob reduction and said that she doesn't know if they look okay or not. She said that you can see them in the movie if you go to see that. Howard said that you can check out the web site TheBusinessOfBeingBorn.com to find out more about the movie.
Howard asked Ricki if she's ever been tied up and if he could do it to her. She wasn't totally against it. Howard said he likes to be in charge but so does Ricki. She said that she might want to tie Howard up. He said he'd be into that. He said he hadn't been tied up yet and he might be too uncomfortable with it.
Howard asked Ricki what went wrong with her marriage. She said that they worked really hard on it but it just went bad. She said that they're much better as friends. She said that they had a really fun sex life though and things were good there. Artie asked her if she's ever been tucked in by elves, referring to the Richard Christy thing. She just chuckled, probably didn't have a clue about what he was referring to.
Howard asked Ricki if she's ever had a quarter fall out of her fat folds like Artie has. She said that hasn't happened. She also wondered if Artie really mistook her for Carnie earlier. He said he did and he was actually going to sing one of the Wilson Phillips songs for her when she came in.
Howard said that Ricki was actually homeless for a few years when she was starting out in the business. She said that it was a bit dramatic saying it that way but yeah, she wasn't doing very well back then.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy asked if she was wearing a thong. She said she didn't have any on but she just wanted to see Howard's reaction to that. The guy on the phone also asked her if she did some other sexual stuff and she went into some explanations about some terms like felching. Gary said he knew what that one was. He said that's when a guy fucks a chick in the ass and then goes back and sucks it out. Ricki said that she learned that from John Waters.
The caller asked her if she'd ever do Playboy. She said she's not interested in that. She said if she needed the money she might but it's just not her thing. She said that she'd like to get back into acting now and do something like that soon. Howard told her that she just needs to lose that extra 10 pounds. Artie told her that she could either lose 10 and get John Mayer or gain 10 and get John Salle. She laughed and said she actually knows John Salle.
Ricki said that she had a guy molest her when she was 6 years old so Howard spent a short time talking to her about that. She said that the guy was really old back then and she's not sure if he's even still alive. She said that it does screw with your head but it also makes you who you are.
Howard gave Ricki a few plugs for her movie and the web site TheBusinessOfBeingBorn.com.
Howard told Ricki that Robin's father used to molest her so that led to Ham Hands Bill calling in and saying some stuff as Robin's daddy. Robin told him to go write another song after he asked Ricki some questions about her molestation. Ricki didn't want to get into that stuff though.
Howard said that George Takei was also molested as a child by a camp counselor. George said that it was actually kind of exciting for him. He said it was frightening and exciting at the same time. Howard asked George if he's hairy down below like Ricki is. She said that it's not that hairy. George said that he is hairy down there. Howard said he keeps himself trimmed down there.
Howard told Ricki she looks about 30 years old and she thanked him for that because she just turned 39. Howard told her to guess his age. She said she already knew it. Howard said that he's only 40 but she laughed when she heard that. She said that they used to ride big wheels together.
Howard asked Ricki about who the craziest guest was that she ever had on the her TV show. She said that there were a lot, she did 2000 shows. She said she did dates some of her guests, but not the crazy ones, just people like Soap stars and people like that.
Howard gave Ricki some more plugs for her movie and asked how long they have to wait to see her naked. She said it's about 40 minutes into the 85 minute long movie.
Howard talked about how good looking Ricki Lake was. He asked if he was right about the 10 pounds. Robin said he was, she'd be doing modeling work if she lost 10 more. She said that she looks great now but the 10 pounds would make her that much hotter.
Artie said it must be tough to lose that last 10 pounds though. George told Artie that maybe he should try to lose some and get to that point where the last 10 are hard to lose. Artie wasn't in any rush to do that.
Howard said that Leticia was fired from the GNCC Motorcycle racing people telling her that she was fired because of this Sybian ride. Howard said that they should be excited to have a naked woman working for them. He said that it's motorcycle racing, not some Christian group. Howard said ''shame on them'' for that. She said that they told her it was because of her appearance on The Howard Stern Show.
Howard said that Leticia's father was also embarrassed after she said that he was a racist. Now he's upset with her for making him look like a fool and he won't talk to her. She said she was sorry for saying that but he used to embarrass her. Howard said that she should have told him that. She said that she was upset about that and she cried when she heard him upset with her.
Howard said that her father told her that Howard Stern degrades women but he's the one who degrades women. Leticia agrees and said that he does. She said that he hasn't called her and she hasn't called him, she's just going to let it all blow over. She said that he's actually a pretty cool guy and he'll come around. Artie said he sounds like a regular Fonzie...
Howard said that Leticia is going to be doing some work with KC Armstrong with this fighting thing down in Rio. She said she's going to see KC this week in L.A. and she doesn't think that she'll be banging him since it would be a conflict of interest.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up her father and how upset he was. Leticia said there were a lot of negative things said about her after that appearance but she's not sorry she was on the show. She said she doesn't regret it at all.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said he'd like to offer her a job. He feels sorry for her. Howard asked what kind of work he could have her do. Eric said that he'd like to have her give him lap dances all day long and they could negotiate the payment. Howard let Leticia go a short time later and plugged her web sites again.
Howard asked Eric where his script is. Artie said it shouldn't take that long to write the shittiest script ever. Eric said he should know. Artie said his took quite a while to write actually.
Howard told George about Eric's movie and how he's already written a children's book. He asked Eric if he's thought about anything for George to do in this movie. Eric said he could come up with something. Howard told him to get to work on that script.
Eric said he can't wait to see what's coming up next on ''Heroes.'' Artie told him ''no one cares shithead.'' Howard asked where the script was that Eric sent to them. Gary said that they were printing them out. Howard said that he should have had them already. They brought them in a short time later.
Howard read the title which was ''Eric's Angels'' and he said that's not what he wanted. He said he wanted Eric on camera and playing a part like James Bond. Eric said that he's on a video phone in this movie. Howard told him he wants Eric to be the main star of the movie. Eric told Howard that's what he's getting and that's it. Howard said he doesn't like it and he's not even going to bother reading it. Artie offered to read it.
Artie took the paper and said it already sucks and he hadn't even read a line yet. He asked Eric if he jizzed on it because it stinks. Artie said that there are no lines, it's all just a description of what's going on. He read some of the stuff in the script out loud and laughed as he was reading it.
Howard tried to give Eric some advice on the script because he had basically stolen ideas from ''Charlie's Angels.'' George told Eric that he should use his imagination and come up with something original.
Eric told Artie to read his part in the script. Artie read the first line of Eric's where he talks to his angels. It was ''Hello Angels'' which was a direct rip off of the real Charlie's Angels. Artie got a laugh out of that.
Eric told Artie he plays Artie the Peeper and he peeps in at the girls. Artie said that was something. Howard told him he wasn't impressed with it and there wasn't enough action in the movie. He said there was a lot of plagiarism there. They went over some of the other details of the script and Artie read through some more of it. John Stamos was in the script, playing himself of course, and Artie read some of that part and got a laugh out of it. Artie said that he was hammering the audience over the head with details in this script. He said that they should be able to figure this out.
Eric said he has the 3 angels picked out and they included Brandy Taylor, Bridget from Playboy and Kelly from the WWE. Howard told Eric that he saw him on his web cam and he doesn't even know how to use it. It was only showing part of his head. Eric had to move the cam to get him on completely. Howard told him he hates to burst his bubble but this script doesn't appeal to him at all. He said he doesn't want to get sued by Charlie's Angels and he can't use that plagiarized stuff in a movie.
Howard told Eric he has to get to some hot chicks. Artie wanted to play a game real quick though. He asked him ''what's this sound?'' and started ripping up his script. Eric knew that's what he was doing.
Ralph called in and said he loves that Howard was begging for this script but meanwhile he's had Isaac's script on his desk for a year. Ralph said that Heroes isn't good this season but Howard said that it's really good in his opinion. Eric started to talk about the final episode so Howard hung up on him because he didn't want him spoiling anything for him.
Howard asked Artie what he thought of Isaac's script. Artie said that he thinks that it's really good and it was an easy read. He said he had one major note about it that Isaac didn't want given out on the air. He said that it's one of those movies that's ready enough to go to production with minimal rewrites. He said that it wasn't boring at all and he really liked it.
Isaac came in and said that Robin has bashed him whenever this comes up. Robin didn't think that she had done that though. Isaac said that he was talking specifically about this topic and she does bash him. Isaac said that he doesn't want Howard to read this script now. He was trying to use some reverse psychology on him hoping that he'll actually read it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Eric's script was really weak and he shouldn't make it. He said that they're not going to make this Charlie's Angels thing. He said he won't produce that but he will think about other projects if Eric comes up with something else.
Howard said he had a couple of hot chicks coming in next, Casey Parker and Paulina James. He played some examples of their work in porn before taking a break.
Artie said that he still gets that urge to use heroin. He said he's amazed that more people don't have addictions to drugs like that. Howard said he's never even wanted to try that stuff. George asked what keeps him from using it. Artie said that it's George, the thought of George , that keeps him from using it.
Howard said that Paul Fishbein from the Adult Video News was in with a couple of hot broads this morning. Paul came in first and then the girls came in. Howard said they were giving away a trip for 2, for some fans to win, to the AVN awards.
Howard said he had Casey Parker and Paulina James in there. He got right into it with them and asked how they got into porn. One of the girls said that she thought that porn was all staged until she saw some of the Shane's World videos and saw that they were doing reality. Howard said he thought they put on a smiling face for this kind of stuff but these girls said they were really into it. Paulina has been in the business for about a year now. She did some commercials when she was younger. She said that her father is okay with it and he does special effects for CSI New York and Criminal Minds.
Howard asked Paul if he would let his daughters get into porn. He said that's just not going to happen. He said they'll move to a different country before that happens. Howard said that no father wants their daughter to be in the business. The girls said that they don't want their kids getting into this line of work either. Paul said his wife was in the business and did mostly girl/girl stuff and she doesn't want their daughter in the business either.
Howard talked to the girls about getting into the business. Paulina told Howard that she and Casey watched their movie last night together. She said that she likes watching herself in the movies but Casey hates it. The two of them took a shower together last night since they were in the same room together. Paul said that he was sleeping in his room while they were doing that in theirs.
The girls said that they had a DVD player in the room and they had their new movie with them to they watched it. The girls said that the other hotel room could see into their room but they didn't realize it until after. Casey said that she felt like she was 16 again jumping on the bed and having fun at the hotel. The girls didn't do much in the shower, they were just showering to get clean.
Howard asked about the movie and what they did while they watched their movie. They described what was going on there and what they were doing in the scenes that they were watching. They just sat there and watched the movie. The girls didn't do anything to each other but one of the girls pleasured herself in front of the other one. They were giggling while they were talking about this so Howard asked what that was about. One of the girls said that it may have been the alcohol.
Howard said that it was kind of sad that the girls didn't get it on in the room. He said that it was kind of hot that she laid on the bed and rubbed herself in front of the other girl. The other chick didn't even know what she was doing.
Howard asked the girls what they're into and if they do anal and stuff like that. One of the girls said that she's into that and did a scene with Evan Stone. She said she's only done that a couple of times. She said that he was kind of big for her but there are other girls out there who can fuck themselves with baseball bats. Howard asked her how she prepares for these anal scenes and if she bleaches her asshole. She said she was asked about that one time and she didn't even know what it was.
Howard asked how many inches she took in her ass. She said that she took it all and it went all the way in. She thinks that he was about 12 inches or so, based on the measurement that Howard saw her give with her hands. She said that she can actually orgasm to that. She said that she's learned how to do that by fucking herself up the ass with dildos and stuff. Howard told her ''Good for you...'' and applauded her.
Howard asked the girls if they think they could ever fall in love and get married and get out of the business. One of the girls said that she's too young to think about that now. She's only 21.
Howard said that there are a lot of male fans out there who want to go to this AVN awards show. He said that they're giving away a trip for 2 and you can find out more about the awards at AVNAwards.com.
Howard gave the girls some plugs, CaseyParker.com, PaulinaJamesXXX.com, and then took some phone calls and told the guys that they had to have good phone sex with George to win the trip. The first guy, Mr. Freeze, tried doing his George impression to do it but that wasn't working so Howard hung up on him. Another caller asked to see George's big cock and balls so he could suck it. George played along and had phone sex with him for a short time.
Howard ended up giving that guy the trip and then got back to the girls asking them if these awards mean a lot to them. The girls said that they really do. One of the girls said that she fucked the shit out of Kimberly Kane and stuck her fist in her. That's the chick that JD had banged.
Howard was about to wrap up but realized that he didn't get the girls naked. They quickly stripped down and Howard asked if they were all natural. Paulina said that they're all natural on her. Gary asked if any of the girls were going to ride the Sybian. Paulina was on her period but Casey was willing to get on it and take it for a ride.
Casey didn't know what the Sybian was so Gary explained it to her and showed her how she has to sit on it. They had her take her top off and hike up her skirt to sit on it. She warned them that she has a bush. They said that was fine though. Howard had Gary turn on the machine so they could try to get her off. Paulina wanted to ride it with her but Howard didn't want her getting in on her time. He eventually agreed to let her go over and make out with her while Casey was riding it.
Howard had Gary turning the power up while the girls were talking dirty to each other and putting on a show. Casey did something that almost broke the machine. She said that was the best thing ever invented. She said that she just came in a room full of people. Gary said that must be just like work for her. Casey asked how much they cost.
Casey told Paulina to get on that thing because it was wild. She said that she liked that they turned down the lights while she was on it. She said it was like a drug experience, not that she'd know, she's never done them. Right.
Howard had Paulina take a spin on the Sybian. She had Casey pulling her hair as she was riding it. She was moaning as that was going on and Gary was turning up the power. She finished within a couple of minutes and asked him to turn it off. Gary said she almost broke it because she was riding it like a horse. She said that it was definitely really good. Casey said she has to get one of those things because it was so awesome.
Paul said that the girls have changed over the years. They used to come in and refuse to take their tops off, now they get naked and ride the Sybian. He got in some plugs for the AVN Awards and said that it's their 25th anniversary. He's been coming on the show for about 23 years now because the first time he was on it was only the 2nd annual awards show.
George said that he really got excited watching that Sybian ride. He said it was very sexual. Howard said that George was making out with Artie while that was going on. He wrapped up with everyone a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that Tim Sabean was telling him that they have 6,000 people a week joining the SIRIUS family and they have over 7 million subscribers now.
The caller was saying that he can't listen to the show all the time because his radio isn't in the truck he's driving now. His radio was in his big rig and he wasn't driving that. Howard let him go a short time later and said that he could listen on the computer but the guy didn't have one.
Howard asked George about the Sybian rides and George said that he was getting excited watching it because it was so erotic. He said that kind of stuff can turn on even a gay man.
Artie looked like he was going to fall asleep so Howard asked him what's going on there. Artie said he's just really tired and he's not sure what's wrong. He's not eating crappy food, he's trying to eat the healthier stuff.
A caller said that he thinks that Fred has been slacking off lately with the sound effects. Fred said he's trying not to over do it so he doesn't play stuff constantly.
The caller also told George that he has become more accepting of gay people ever since he's been on the show. George said that was very nice.
Howard got right into the game after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that they also have a story about getting to see Howard's personal bathroom there in the studio. He said they'll have details on Howard 100 News today. They also have a story about Robin's red thong picture being edited so it doesn't show her thong anymore. Howard asked if that was true because he saw it right there on the monitor. Robin didn't know anything about that. Neither did Howard. He wondered why they'd do that. Howard said he'd get to the bottom of that.
Steve said that there's a new movie trailer for the new Harold and Kumar movie and Richard Christy is in that yelling ''Mexicans!'' Steve also got in a plug for Greg Fitzsimmons' show that's on next week. He'll have guest Jimmy Kimmel on his show.
Howard let Steve go and had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through some of the subjects they'd be covering today including Eric the Midget, Ricki Lake, Paul Fishbein and the girls that came in with him. They'll cover that and much more.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable gave a quick preview of what they'd be talking about on the show tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard had Robin get into her news after that. Fred played a couple of songs for Robin before she got into her news stories. That had George laughing his ass off. He said he can't believe how much Robin has to put up with there. He said that the stuff they do to him is one thing but she has to put up with much more.
Robin read some news about the mall shootings out in Nebraska. The guy who did the shooting had just lost his job at McDonalds so Howard figured that there's no where to go after that. The guys talked about that story and how sad it was for the people that guy shot.
Howard said that George had gotten some chocolates for Artie for Christmas. George said that they're truffles and they have antioxidants in them so they're good for him. They're Godiva chocolates so Howard said they're really good quality chocolates. Artie had only eaten one so far according to George. Artie said he actually had 5 but he bites each one and if he doesn't like it, he puts it back. Artie found it odd that George is telling him to eat right and then he gives him a box of chocolates. He asked him ''What the fuck!?''
George wanted Artie to eat one a week. Artie said that he has a real history of being able to control his eating. He said he loves George but from the second he gets there he's giving him a hard time about what he eats and drinks. He said it's enough already.
Artie said he was trying to figure out what was in the middle of one of the pieces of chocolate. Howard said it was white and sticky and wondered what it was. Artie said that he could imagine him saying that it was jizz from George and Brad.
George said that he'd love to be able to get Artie to discipline himself and eat maybe one chocolate a day. George said that he failed his challenge. Howard wondered why he would do something like that to a man he likes. Artie was very happy eating those things though. Artie was washing them down with Pepsi, not diet Pepsi, regular Pepsi. He said he likes regular soda so that's what he drinks. He said it's tastes really good with chocolate.
Artie said that he loves eating frozen peanut M&Ms with a glass of icy Pepsi. He said that's a real treat. Howard asked Artie if he could stop eating at this point. Artie said that he would try. The chocolates were almost gone by that point. Then George pointed out one of the good ones that he might like so Artie was going to eat that. Howard said he's like the mother that tells you that you're fat and then feeds you a ton of food.
Howard told George to tell Artie what he really got him, a needle to shoot up. He had Robin get back to her news after that.
Ralph called in and said he had another person to add to that retarded list they had yesterday - George Takei. He said that he always falls for the jokes they pull on him and he gave Artie a giant box of chocolates. George said that maybe he was trying to get vengeance for what they did to him yesterday when they played Artie coming out of the closet to him.
Howard let Ralph go and Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories. One of them was about Hershey's chocolate and how they're using Carmen Electra in a commercial that will run during the Super Bowl. Howard said you know she doesn't go near chocolate. Artie should be in that commercial, not Carmen.
Robin read one story about Mary Carey the porn star and how she's auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. She had bigger ones put in after having them removed. Robin read another story about a guy whose life was saved when his wedding ring deflected a bullet that was meant to kill him.
Robin said that she had a story about a woman who woke up in the middle of surgery but wasn't able to say anything. There was another story about ''toad smoking'' where people take venom out of a toad and use that to get high. She also read a story about how a lot of lottery winnings are going unclaimed these days. George started asking a bunch of questions about that story but Howard said that this isn't research project, they weren't looking for more information on that. Artie wondered why he gave up eating chocolate for those comments.
Robin brought up a story that got Howard all worked up over these trees that businesses are putting up and calling them ''holiday trees'' instead of what they really are, Christmas trees. That somehow led to the guys talking about the one chick who rode the Sybian this morning who had a big bush. Howard said he likes it shaved down there. He said that some people think that if you like it shaved down there you want a 10 year old. Howard said that he doesn't want a 10 year old, he wants a woman with a shaved bush. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that and Fred did his Jim Florentine impression and said that a certain someone has a bush that smells like Hazelnut coffee. Artie wondered if it was him.
Howard asked Robin if she's going out with Jim Florentine this weekend. She said that she's not sure if he's even in town this weekend. Artie said he's working with Jim out in Cleveland on Friday night so he won't be in town that night. Robin said she's not sure about Saturday night but she'll be at Lisa G's cookie party.
Robin had some clips from The View where the girls were arguing about some nonsense. Howard said he tried watching that show the other day and he wasn't able to follow it ate all. He said he'd rather go to Lisa G's cookie party. Robin said it would sound very similar to The View.
Howard said he got a change of address card from Fred the other day and it had the same address on it that he already had in his system. Fred said that he just moved around the corner from where he was at. Fred said that he had to move out of that building because they didn't like it anymore and there wasn't anything there for his daughter. Howard said he was only there for like a year though. Fred explained it all to him and said they really had to get out of there.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard said his goodbyes to George Takei who had been in all week. George is heading back out to L.A. after this. Artie thanked him for the chocolates. George said ''Anything to keep you cuddly...'' Howard ended the show at about 10:55am.
Howard told Robert that this was crazy after Robert told him how demeaning he is toward women. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. The guy said that he was being disgusting to women and he doesn't understand it. Howard wondered why he listens, he figured he was just a dope.
Howard said he doesn't get why he'd listen to a show that he thinks hates women if he's so upset with it. Howard tried to find out what he teaches. He wasn't listening so Howard said that's why school sucks these days. Howard said that he gets suspicious when he hears that a man is teaching sixth grade.
Robert said that his group there is like a fraternity. He said that they're very immature and also said that what they do is the same type of thing that leads to what happened in Colorado.
Howard asked the guy why he listens. Robert said he was trying to figure out what the children he teaches are relating to. Howard asked what time school starts because he didn't think that any kids are listening to this show. The guy said that they start at 9 o'clock. Howard said that's bull and no school starts at 9 o'clock. Howard said that this show is too boring for 6th graders.
Howard said that this guy is a suck ass teacher and incompetent. The guy continued to go off on Howard saying that he doesn't see what's wrong with his show. Howard said that this guy is a jerk and just like a lot of people who want to blame his show for the things that are wrong in this world even though they've got many other problems.
Howard kept asking the guy why he listens but his answer was different every time. Howard found out the guy is gay so he called him an angry old queen and said that he's very angry about that and that's the kind of anger he probably shows to his classes.
Robert asked Howard if he would be upset if his daughter had that ''What a piece of ass'' clip every time she walked in a room. Howard said he wouldn't have a problem with it. He told the guy he had to get going but ended up staying on the phone and let some other people talk to him. One guy said that they should turn in this pedophile. Robert said he's not one and he's taught for 20 years and he doesn't do anything with his students. Howard said that there's no way he's a good teacher.
Howard asked Robert if he'd be willing to take a lie detector test to find out if he's ever been attracted to his kids. He said he would do that because he's never been attracted to them.
Howard said that this guy should be open to all kinds of sexuality because he's probably gone to glory holes and stuff like that. He took another call from a teacher who said he was ashamed to be in the same profession as this guy. He wondered why he's not trying to better himself instead of worrying about Howard. Robert said that he's teaching this summer, he's not just listening to Howard.
Howard said that Robert is sitting around worrying about his show when there are many other things out there that are causing problems. Robert said he's not the only problem, he's just one problem that he can get a hold of. He said that Howard hates women and that's why he treats them the way he does. Howard said that he actually loves women but this guy Robert hates them so much he won't even date them because he's gay.
Howard said he figured that this guy doesn't do anything with the kids at his school at all, other than tutoring young boys. He asked him if he does that. Robert said that he doesn't do that. He doesn't charge anyone, he just helps.
Howard had to hit the delay on Robert because he used the F-word talking to the other guy on the line. Howard said that he's a disgrace to the teaching profession and his school would get rid of him if they knew what he was doing and if he wasn't tenured there.
Howard said that if this guy put in as much time and effort into helping his kids instead of worrying about him, he'd probably be able to fix the world. Howard wanted to talk to his lover after Robert mentioned him. That didn't happen though.
Robert asked how Howard was able to get through high school with his lack of math knowledge. Howard said that he's doing just fine for someone who can't do math. He also said that this old, lonely queen is so lonely that he wants him in his life so badly that he calls the show to complain about him. He said that the guy is a maniac.
Howard said that Robert is more in love with him than he is with his own lover. Robert said that he's trying to figure out why his students are so fascinated with Howard's show and that's the only reason he's listening.
Howard said he had to get going so he could do some commercials but Robert kept going with his problems. The other teacher was also going off on Robert saying that he doesn't agree with Robert's comments about Howard. He said that Howard makes him laugh at himself and society and that's why he likes him so much.
Howard asked some math questions to Robert like ''How many K-Y jelly containers are in a gross?'' and ''How many times a week do you go into your lover?'' Robert wasn't answering.
Howard said that this guy Robert is not a good teacher and he's pretty sure that if he looked up his record, the school would want to get rid of him. Howard took a couple of calls from fans who were pissed off at this guy. One guy said that Robert sounds like his kid's teacher and if it is, he's going to beat the crap out of him.
Howard asked Robert if he dresses up in women's clothes. Robert said he doesn't do that so Howard figured he was lying there too. He took another call a short time later and a guy claimed he was a student and Robert tried to put his finger in him. Howard said that was far enough and he couldn't get more detailed. The guy said he'd strangle the guy if he was standing next to him again. He can't believe that he's still in the system and people are so blind to what he does.
Robert asked where this army of people comes from and how he has so many followers. Howard said that what he does is not a problem. Robert was blaming Howard for people who stutter not being able to get over their stutters and move on with their life. Howard said that he employs stutterers so he's not sure what the problem is. He's accepting of them and doesn't turn them away. Howard wrapped up with Robert and went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard read some other news about Jesse Ventura as well. He found a story about him getting back into the wrestling field after being elected governor of Minnesota. Some people in Minnesota are upset with him going back to wrestling after becoming governor and saying he wasn't in it for the money.
Howard said he was reading about this Oprah book club she has on her TV show. Howard said that he sees these women who watch her show are going out and buying the books. He said that all of the fat chicks watching her show are sitting around and writing in their personal journals. He said that misery loves company... and Oprah.
Howard said that Oprah has congratulated herself on this book club thing a lot. The other day he read that the women in the club are upset that the selection of books is getting to be very dark and depressing. Howard said that if they're that upset they should go out and buy their own books. No one is saying that they have to read these books in the club. He said they have to be nuts.
Howard said he was watching VH-1 and said that they're doing a great job with their programming. He said they have some good specials about old rock stars and stuff. He said they did a special on the old Studio 54 which was a dance club in the city. To get in was really hard and the people had to be really special and/or famous to get in. He said that the doorman who used to regulate who got in was talking about what he did. He said he apologized for not letting some people in. He said the guy offered an apology but he's thinking that he didn't have to do that, it was just a club. The guy was thinking it was more important to people than it actually was.
Howard said he got into the club because he was a program director at the time. He said he went in and saw nothing and didn't have anyone come up to him asking to have sex or anything like that. He wouldn't even dance because he knows he would be the one who was looked at as the ''spaz'' of the club. He thinks that maybe he was in Studio 55 or something.
Howard said he probably should have been on the line with the rejects anyway. He didn't have the right clothes and he was probably wearing painter's pants or something.
Howard talked about this lawyer they have calling in today to talk about being in porn. They also have Houston and Brad coming in to talk about their date. Comedian Chris Rock will also be in. Howard played some of his stand-up comedy from his HBO special.
Howard said he could listen to Joey and Marky going off on each other for hours. He was doing an impression of him as well. He said he's also noticed that Joey has a second set of teeth on the bottom of his jaw and he's always wanted to ask him about it. He never has though. Robin said he has to be mistaken about that.
Howard and Fred had some fun goofing on Joey for a few minutes before Gary came back in and said he had him on the phone. Joey had just woken up so he was kind of out of it. Howard got Joey on the line a few seconds later and he sounded just like Fred doing the impression.
Joey said that he really doesn't want to come on the show with Marky. He said he put a lot of thought into it and he just can't do it. Howard said he has to put his foot down and say that he and Marky have to come on the show to do this promotion. Howard told him that he and Marky are great when they're on together. Joey said that maybe he'll decide to do it. He told him that maybe next Tuesday they'll come in. Howard said that it's up to him but he wants Marky in there too.
Joey said that he and Marky used to be friends at one time but they fought after he didn't want to go to South America one time. He said that's what did it. Gary had some quotes from Joey where he called Marky out on his alcoholism but Marky said he hadn't had a drink in 10 years. Joey then called him a ''dry drunk.''
Howard said that Marky will show up no matter what so they don't have to beg him to come in. Joey said that Marky is a loser and he'll come in. He's not doing anything else. Howard let Joey go after that.
Howard said he was hoping that the movie was no good. The caller said that the movie was overbooked as well. He was going on and on about that so Howard had to cut him off. He brought in Susan Selles a short time later.
This corporate lawyer from Florida, Susan Selles, came in to promote her porn movie ''Jurist Erotic'' this morning. When she came in she stunk of a perfume so bad that Howard ranted about it for at least 5 minutes. He said it was a horrible product and didn't know why she wore so much of it. It was so strong that it followed KC into the studio earlier when he came in after shaking her hand. Howard said that maybe it's just the way it mixes with her. She wasn't able to smell it so she didn't know it was that bad. Susan said she'd stop using it after today.
Susan explained to Howard how she went to law school and got to be a lawyer and eventually a porn actress. She's a corporate lawyer and when she went to work for Atlantic Worldwide they asked her to appear in a porn flick. She agreed and made the movie. She claims that she did some go-go dancing while going through college but she hadn't done porn before. She has had a lot of lesbian experiences since the age of 10 though.
Howard got her to tell her stories of lesbianism for everyone. She started at 10 with a schoolmate. She said she and the other girl kissed and touched each other but it ended there. By 15 she was having full blown lesbian sex and actually got caught by her mother while handcuffed in her bed! She told Howard she didn't sleep with a man until she was 21. She claims to be bi-sexual but when Howard heard she didn't sleep with a man until 21, he figured she's full blown lesbo. He wrapped up after a short time and then went to break.
Howard said they sent out a reporter from one of their affiliate stations in Minnesota to go to this Jesse Ventura press conference but when he went to play the clip, it only came out on one channel so he couldn't play it. Gary said that Scott the Engineer had recorded it and it only recorded on one channel. Howard went off on him a little bit and goofed on his bald head.
Howard asked Gary to get him this interview as soon as he could. Gary said that he was trying but they haven't sent it to him yet.
Porn star Houston came in with her 18 year old prom date Brad this morning. Howard hooked the two of them up a few weeks ago after Brad asked him to do it. They went to the prom and had a good time, so good that they've hooked up again and are going out on a date today. They're actually spending the whole day together.
Houston came in to the city to dance at Legs Diamond from today until Saturday. She and Brad have been in touch over the phone since their prom date and today Brad may get lucky with her. Houston said she's interested in Brad but not as a boyfriend.
Brad said that Houston calls him her ''Boy Toy'' and he calls her ''Muffin Ass.'' Houston told Howard that she needs to go to a tanning salon today since she's dancing tonight. Then they'll both go jogging in Central Park. Houston has to work from 6pm until 1:30am or so then she'll head back to the hotel and spend the night with Brad.
Brad brought an overnight bag but said he needs to get condoms. Houston also wants to get a new tattoo and Brad was thinking of doing that but his mommy won't let him do it. He's half Jewish so it's forbidden. His mother called in at one point just to make sure he doesn't go out and do it today. Houston assured her that she wouldn't let him do it. We also found out that Brad didn't graduate this year because he failed out of English class! He thinks that it had something to do with his prom date with Houston. He has to suffer through summer school this year. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard and Chris were also talking about Snoop Dogg's recent appearance. Chris said that was the best show he's heard. He said that appearance was better than any of Snoop's albums. Chris said that Howard's next movie should be based around that show.
Howard soon moved on to Chris' marriage. Howard has heard that Chris and his wife had separated and were divorcing. Chris said that he's still married and there's no problem at all. Howard figured he must be hiding something because he wasn't really saying much about it. Chris denied it all and said everything is fine.
Howard talked to Chris about working on Saturday Night Live. Chris said he knows that Howard would bad mouth him when he was on that show. He wouldn't even say his name, he'd just call him ''that black guy'' when he referred to him.
Howard figured that Chris made a mistake getting married but Chris said he wasn't going to say that, his wife was probably listening. Howard said she's probably sleeping and wouldn't hear it but Chris didn't go there.
Howard also spoke to Chris about his new album and HBO special which, according to Howard, is really funny. Howard has been playing clips of Chris' album on the show lately and it is pretty funny stuff. Chris also said that he'll be hosting the MTV Video Music Awards on September 9.
Howard mentioned that Larry King called him the other day asking him to come on to talk about Dr. Sarno, who helped him with his back pain. He's not sure if he wants to do that show though. Chris said he got a call from Larry too. That led to the guys talking about Bob Dole being on Larry's show talking about his problems getting it up.
Howard took a lot of phone calls for Chris during the interview and there were some goofy calls for him. One caller pointed out that the mayor of Chris' home town in Georgia refused to give Chris the key to the city because his act was too dirty. The caller then went on to say that he heard the mayor ''didn't want to give the key to a nig*er because he was afraid he'd steal everything.'' Chris sounded stunned by the call.
At one point a woman claiming to be Chris' wife called in. The funny thing was that Chris wasn't sure whether or not it was her! He didn't recognize the voice as being hers but he didn't say that it wasn't her. The woman yelled at Robin for some reason then started listening to her own radio and eventually hung up. Through the call Chris wondered if it really was her. Howard was surprised that Chris doesn't even know his wife's own voice.
Howard had some notes on Chris and picked up on one thing about how Chris likes doing Jay Leno's show better than Letterman. Howard agreed with this and said that Letterman makes him feel like he's doing something wrong during the appearance where Jay Leno tends to kiss your ass. Chris said he felt the exact same way. He said that Leno makes him feel like he's a star but Letterman doesn't.
Chris' phone rang during the interview so he picked up thinking it was his wife but no one was there. Howard and Chris also talked about Adam Sandler. Howard thinks that his movies are awful and he's not sure why they make money. He said that he was funny on Chris' comedy special one time though.
Howard took some more phone calls and let a bunch of guys ask Chris some questions. One guy asked who Chris' favorite hip-hop star was. Howard didn't let him answer, he hung up on the guy saying no one cared. Chris and Howard also talked a little bit about the HBO shows ''The Sopranos'' and ''Oz.'' they both like both of those shows.
Howard asked Chris about talking to Bill Cosby who called him once to talk to him about his stand-up act. He called him to yell at him about his act being too dirty. Ralph called in and complained about Chris a little bit so Howard hung up on him. Howard took a few more calls and let a couple more guys go off on Chris.
Chris and Howard talked about Rick Rubin and Ratso Slomin for a short time as well. They had some odd stories to tell about the two of them. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard asked Stephen why his brother Alec never calls in. Stephen is the one who makes the calls all the time and he's not the most famous of the brothers. Howard then told Stephen that it looks like Alec's gained a lot of weight lately. Stephen kept saying that he hasn't seen him lately and doesn't know about his weight. Since the golf tournament is a charity event for breast cancer Howard said that Alec should be careful because he has breasts now after gaining so much weight.
After goofing on Alec a little bit Howard told Stephen that he read that his brother Billy and his wife are expecting a baby. Stephen was surprised and wondered how Howard found out. He said that he thought they were keeping it a secret pretty well. Howard then said that he just made that up and Stephen spoiled the secret for his brother himself.
Howard then went on to goof on Alec some more. He told Stephen that Alec could play Fat Bastard in the next Austin Powers movie.
Howard took some calls for Stephen after that. Usually there are a bunch of guys calling in claiming that Stephen is gay but there wasn't any of that today. One guy said that he was at the event last year and did some caddying for Stephen but he didn't tip him. Stephen said that it was a charity event but he'd tip him this year.
Stephen said that he loved the movie ''Eyes Wide Shut'' and went on and on about how great it was. Howard thinks that he's just trying to network himself in Hollywood by saying that though.
Howard let Stephen go and said he forgot to tell him to tell Alec to get himself on a treadmill. He and Robin spent a little more time talking about Billy Baldwin's secret pregnancy and how Stephen wasn't supposed to reveal that on the show. Robin also talked about the movie that she saw Stephen in. They goofed on him a little bit about that before Howard had Robin start her news.
Robin read through a bunch of news stories and had the guys talking about Tom Cruise and his wacky behavior. They played a bunch of audio clips where Tom is laughing like a kook. They went through a few more stories and ended the show around 10:25am (Master Tape Theatre time).