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Gary's first pick was the day Buzz Aldrin was on the show and Sal had no idea who he was. That took place on August 16th:
Sal asked the interns if they knew who this guy was and they did. Jason then asked Sal if he knew when President Kennedy was killed. Sal thought it was 1974. Artie said that a comedian's best friend are references to history and stuff and Sal wouldn't even be good as an audience member because he knows so little.
Howard played more of the questions where Sal confuses JFK and Roosevelt. Sal thought that Roosevelt had Kennedy killed. Artie thought that Sal might be scamming them but Howard said it sounded serious to him. Even Jason said he couldn't believe what Sal was saying. He had to be kidding. Sal was giving out all of this incorrect information.
In another clip Sal was asked who succeeded JFK. Sal didn't even know what that word meant. He thought that succeeded meant ''before'' and not after. Sal came in the studio and said that he's really not that dumb. History was his worst subject. He said he failed history every year and that's why he was so bad at it. He said that Jon Hein had told him that Michael Collins was the second man on the moon and he kind of had an idea that Buzz was actually that guy.
Robin asked Sal what number president Lincoln was. He said he knew that he was number 16 and Washington was first. Howard gave Sal a list of wars and told him to put them in order from the earliest to the latest. Sal put them in this order.
Sal said that he thought that July 4th was Pearl Harbor day. He thought that Pearl Harbor was in Japan. Howard had to explain that to him as well. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told Sal he was an idiot. Sal asked him to spell idiot so Bob said ''S A L.''
Sal thought that the D in Franklin D. Roosevelt stood for ''Delaware.'' Howard goofed on him about that and said he had to move along after that. Howard told Sal that some people are weak in certain subjects but Sal is weak in all of them. Sal claims that he's good in science so Robin asked him what the technical term is for a white blood cell. Sal had no idea.
Howard and Robin threw out a few more questions and Sal knew some of them and thought that it was impressive that he did. No one else was saying it was impressive. Howard told him to get out of there and then goofed on him about thinking that the Gettysburg Address was given by ''President Gettysburg.''
The son, Mike, was telling Howard about the implants that his mother has. She was saying that she's always gotten into trouble for talking about sex. Her son came to her and asked her to play this game and she decided to go with it but she didn't sound very happy about it. Mike said she runs around her house naked all the time. She told him not to come over if that's the way he thinks.
Howard asked the mom if she's going to be okay being naked in front of her son. She said she'll be fine with it. Gary asked Mike why he hasn't lived with his mother through his life. He said that he lived with his father because his mother has always embarrassed him with the sex stuff. He said that his mother taught his friends how to eat pussy.
Gary said that the mother did have a coke issue. She didn't want to talk about that but said it was just a weekend thing. Howard said that the other couple didn't show up for this game so it's just this one team. He told them what was going to happen. He said that they had already asked Joanne the questions and now Mike had to answer the same way. If he doesn't, then Joanne has to take an article of clothing off for each question wrong. They had 3 items that she had to remove and Mike was going to have to remove those articles of clothing himself. That's what makes this ''Just Wrong.''
Howard said the first question was ''Where does your mom like a man to finish, the chest, ass or face?'' Mike guessed that it was going to be her chest. Howard said it was actually the ass. Mike had to remove his mother's dress. Joanne wasn't supposed to touch it. Mike said he was going to use his teeth to do it. Joanne said she didn't give a shit about her son taking her dress off. Mike had his eyes closed when he was doing it. She said she hates him right now. Howard said she had a nice body. He told her she looked good and Artie said that he couldn't wait for her to get naked and do some coke. Gary asked her how old she was. She said she's 48 and everyone thought she looked good for her age. She was still yelling at her son
Howard moved on to the second question which was ''Does your mother spit or swallow?'' Mike got it right when he said she swallows. She said that she actually makes sure she gets every drop. Mike said he knew that because she's told him that through his life.
Howard moved on to the next question which was ''If your mother shot a porno, which would she do? Bukakke, Anal or Golden Shower?'' Joanne said that they never asked her that one. Howard said they did and asked Mike what his answer was. Mike said he was going with Bukakke. He got it wrong, she said it was golden showers. She said they never explained the other stuff to her so she didn't know how to answer. Howard told Mike he had to take off another article of clothing. This time he was taking her bra off. He did that and Howard said she's got some nice boobs.
Howard asked Mike if he's ever done anything like this before. He said he hasn't and joked that it was quite invigorating. Howard moved on to the next question which was ''Does your mother prefer length or girth?'' Howard told Joanne to be quiet during this because she was going to ruin it for her son. Mike went with girth and got it right.
Howard moved on to the next question and asked ''If you had to have sex with an animal, would it be a bear, dog, horse or monkey?'' Joanne couldn't stop talking and said she really likes monkey's too. Mike told her to stop talking and said that the answer was Dog. He got that right. She said she picked the dog because they have longer tongues.
Howard said they asked her about what ethnic group she would pick if she had to have sex with one. Mike said it would probably be black. He would have gotten that wrong. He had already won though so he didn't have to worry about that question. After that Howard had the people from HotMovies.com come in with the $5,000 check for the winners. There was a guy by the name of James who had Arial Somers and Stoya in with him. James presented the check to them and told them that it really was just wrong. Howard gave them some plugs and James said they have a free 15 minute offer over there and you just have to enter the promo code ''Howard Stern'' to get the 15 minutes free.
Howard asked one of the girls if she wanted to kiss the mom. She went right over and kissed her and Joanne tongued her. Howard asked Joanne if she wanted to go ride the Sybian. She said she didn't want to do that but only because she's married.
Howard moved on to take some phone calls and threw in a couple more plugs for HotMovies.com. One guy said that he was physically ill listening to this. One guy asked how Joanne could think that her son wouldn't be embarrassed by her talking about sex and stuff. Howard talked to the porn girls who were there as well. He threw in a few more phone calls and one guy said that he'd give Mike more money if he cut his mom's tongue out. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked why she won't get on the Sybian. She was upset about the comments the other guy had just made about her and she didn't want to do it.
Howard tried talking to Joanne but she seemed to be rambling a bit. Howard told her to just sit on the Sybian and he'd give her a plug for her book. She said she wasn't that desperate. Dominic Barbara called in and joked that this is the segment that they're going to play when Mel Karmazin testifies later this week.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Joanne that she's really annoying. She asked how she was annoying but Jeff didn't get a chance to answer. A woman called in and told her that she was annoying as well. Howard asked Stoya to get on the Sybian but she was on the rag so she didn't want to do it either.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Joanne she was proud of her. She told her to ride that Sybian but Joanne was still refusing to do it. Howard asked Mike if it was tough growing up with his mom. He said that a lot of his friends actually liked her a lot. She said there were some friends who really liked her and one of them was a kid by the name of Justin. Howard asked Mike if she talks all the time like that. He said she really does talk all the time.
Howard let one more woman get in a call. She told Howard that she decided not to have kids because she thought she'd be a bad parent but now realizes that maybe she wouldn't have been such a bad mom. Joanne went off on her for a short time and yelled at her about the comments. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked James for coming in with the girls and gave him another plug for HotMovies.com. Howard talked to the porn star girls a little more and then went to break
One of the girls was rubbing the other's clit a little bit. Howard said they had a porno going in there. One of the girls was biting the other's nipple and begging her to do it more. Then one of the girls finished so Howard told Gary to turn it down. Howard asked Justine what was going on because she could barely walk. She had shaky legs. Both of them said that they came while on that thing. Justine said she thinks she finished before Heather did. Howard thanked them for that performance and gave them some more plugs for their stuff. He went to break after that.
Artie said that Steve Langford was there and he was really getting under his skin. Richard said that he and Artie took a nap and Steve stuck around with his microphone waiting for them to come out. Artie said that Steve was reporting everything, even the food he was eating there on the set.
Artie said that he wanted to go out and find a nice cold store to hang out at and they found this ice cream store. They went in there but there were tons of kids coming in and screaming. Artie ended up having a fluffernutter to eat. Richard said Steve didn't know what that was so he had to ask Artie what was in it. Artie figures that he had about 5,000 calories worth of food yesterday.
A caller asked Artie about his show down in Atlantic City and if he actually went back stage and puked like he said. Artie said that he didn't puke but he did dry heave. He was about to explain it but Richard cut him off and talked about this sandwich they saw at the restaurant which was a donut cut in half with a beef patty in between. Artie said it was a fun ice cream parlor so they had all kinds of stuff like that.
Artie said that he had 3 cokes with his fluffernutter sandwich. Howard and Robin sounded shocked by that. Artie went on to talk about how he had gone home around 11 last night and had some more food since he hadn't eaten in a few hours.
Richard said that Artie went back and napped after he ate all of that crap at the ice cream parlor. Artie went on to say that Richard was supposed to be in the casting area but he let him come back to his trailer to sleep. Richard slept on the filthy carpet while Artie napped on the couch.
Robin asked Artie if his character has grown since his last appearance on the show. Artie said that he's just playing the asshole cousin of this guy on the show. Howard jokingly said he heard that they had to build the set bigger for him. Howard asked him what he thinks he weighs now. Artie said he has no idea and he knows he has to get himself together. He said he figures he's more than 303 pounds at this point.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the guy on the phone was over 300 pounds and he just gave Artie advice on his eating. The caller asked Howard to get Artie on the scale but Artie won't do that these days. Howard said he's really curious now. Artie won't do it because it really bothers him.
Sal said that if Artie gets on the scale, he will let Richard lick his taint. Richard said that he's not going to do it, he said that Sal can lick his taint instead. Sal told Richard that he has to do it because he came up with the idea. Richard wasn't going to do it. They came up with some other ideas like Richard sticking his finger up Sal's ass but Sal wasn't going to do that.
Artie told the guys to come up with something gay and he'd think about it. The guys couldn't get on the ''same gay page'' according to Artie. He threw out a few more ideas for them to do to get him on the scale. They wanted Sal and Richard to wrestle naked but Sal seemed to be against the idea. Richard said that it's Howard and Artie who are pushing this gay stuff on them so the fans shouldn't write in and complain about them, they should complain about Howard and Artie.
Sal eventually agreed to kiss Richard's taint. Artie said that he wants to see a real smooch there before he'll actually get on that scale. Sal asked ''What the fuck was I thinking?'' as he was getting ready to do it. Artie said it had better not be a lame kiss.
Sal said he wasn't sure he could do this and told Gary to get a bucket. Richard got on the couch, completely naked and Sal started to dry heave. He hadn't even started yet and he was puking already. He was dry heaving and vomiting into the bucket.
Sal eventually went in and kissed Richard's taint but Artie said it wasn't long enough. Sal was still puking. Artie asked to see a replay from the Howard TV guys. Richard let him know that it did kind of smell down there because he hasn't showered for a couple of days and he took a shit this morning. Sal said Richard looked like a happy retard sitting there on the couch. The Howard TV guys replayed the clip and Artie said it was good enough for him to get on the scale.
Artie asked how many shits Richard had taken since he last showered. Richard said it was probably 3 times. Artie was grossed out by the whole thing. Will said he was about to puke too because the smell was so bad.
Artie thought it was funny that Sal came in there and wanted Richard to kiss his taint but ended up doing that to Richard. Howard asked Artie to get on the scale and it came out to an even 300 pounds. He had actually lost weight since the last time. Richard said Sal did that all for nothing and laughed.
Artie said that he knew that he wasn't going to be all that heavy but he wanted to see Sal do that whole thing. Sal said that he probably lost it doing heroin but said he was just joking. The guys talked about how gross Richard's ass was for a short time before Lisa G came in.
Howard said that he and his wife were pretty cordial, as cordial as they can be. Brad said that all happened before Howard got his $500 million too. He said he'd trade his half a point for Raymond if he could have just one Howard point.
Howard asked Brad why he doesn't date Robin because he was talking about dating a black woman. Brad said he doesn't have the right stuff for that but Robin told him he does... He's got that half a point of ''Everybody Loves Raymond.''
Brad said that his wife left him for a taller man and then said it was actually for a woman but he was just joking about all of that. He said he married a girl that he was very much in love with and things changed. He said they have two great kids and they still get along. He said it's tough for him to date because Howard isn't the only Jew with a small penis. He said that he's a chromosome away from being Miss Black Howard Stern too.
Howard said that an actor with as much fame as he has would be attractive to a lot of women. Brad said he's got an ''innie'' though so it's not that easy. Howard said he read that Brad was afraid to tell his parents about his divorce but Brad said that's the press making a big thing out of nothing. Brad said they kept the divorce private so when it did come out, they made it into something bigger than it was. He said he kept it from his family but he was just saying that when he was questioned about the divorce.
Howard and Brad both said that the day they got divorced was the worst. Howard said that Brad has to be getting laid. Brad asked Howard to help him but when Howard asked him to swear that he wasn't getting laid, he couldn't do it.
Artie asked Howard if the worst day was getting divorced or telling his parents that he was dating someone new. Howard said it was the divorce thing that was the worst. He said that when he thinks about it, it makes him want to cry. Artie loved that and wanted him to cry. Brad didn't know who was talking when Artie was asking questions so he asked Howard who that was. He even goofed on Artie's voice a little bit.
Howard talked to Brad about what a great actor Peter Boyle was and how he had worked with him on Raymond. Howard read that Brad didn't think that Artie's story about Peter Boyle smoking pot was true. Artie told the story a while back and said that he smoked weed with him on the set of the show years ago when he was working on The Norm Show. Artie got into that story and said it was back in 1999 and they spoke to Peter at the commissary and Peter asked them if they wanted to get high. Brad said he must not have been a friend of his because he never asked him to get high.
Brad said he never smoked weed with Peter. He said he thought he was known for his sobriety over the past few years. Brad wasn't sure about that story and said he hung out with him a lot. Artie told Brad that the pot he had was amazing but he only took one puff of it. Howard said that maybe Peter smoked with Artie and realized he'd hit the bottom and stopped after that.
Howard said that it must have been exciting to go to Peter Boyle's funeral. Brad said that they were buddies and he really had to go. Everyone from the show showed up that day. Howard asked him about going to a celebrity funeral and if he prepares to be on TV. Howard asked him if he decides what he's going to wear. Brad said he's not all about the clothes, he doesn't care about that stuff.
Howard said that he went to the funeral for Ed Bradley and got to see a lot of celebrities there. He told Brad that if he were him, he would have put the name of his new TV show all over himself to get some coverage. Howard quickly changed subjects and asked Brad about working on Everybody Loves Raymond and how he got that deal where he got the half a point. Brad said that after 6 years of working there, it was time to renegotiate so he asked for as much as he could get. It ended up working out good and they must have felt he deserved it.
Howard asked Brad about how that half a point works. They talked about the syndication but Brad asked Howard about his half a billion that he got for doing this satellite gig. Howard didn't get into details about that. They joked around about what they have going on there and Brad mentioned the tiny security guard he's got working there. That would be Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Howard read that Brad was actually a Star Search winner and he wasn't aware of that. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Artie knew that Brad did a great Jackie Gleason impression. Brad said that Ray Romano called him and told him that when he did that impression it was like ''Jackie: The NBA years.'' Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Brad if he's ever had sex with any famous women. He said he doesn't go to parties or anything and didn't have any famous names. Howard was surprised by that and Robin didn't think he was being honest. Brad said he's not lying. Howard read that he opened for Liza Minelli and Frank Sinatra at different times in his career. Brad talked about how Frank would sing his songs and get them mixed up later in his life. He would also call him ''Greg Barrett'' when he'd introduce him. Howard read that he was fired from that gig. Brad said he wasn't really fired, he was moved to open for Liza while he thought about what he had done.
Brad said he would open up for Frank doing his comedy act. Frank Sinatra would come walking out whenever he felt like it so he had no idea how long he actually had to stay out there. He said that one day he jokingly said that they were a great audience and to ''...stick around for Frank.'' He got called into the office and was asked about the comment he had made. Brad said they asked him why he would say such a thing when they were actually there to see Frank. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard the story. Brad said he was in this meeting for about 20-25 minutes while they discussed his joke that wasn't taken as a joke.
Brad said he was sent to Reno the next night. They told him to think about what he had done. Brad said he thought about it alright. Howard said that people take things the wrong way and you can end up being killed. Frank Sinatra isn't the guy to mess with.
Howard brought up this new show Brad is on called ''Til Death.'' He's all done with ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' but Howard asked him if he still hangs out with Ray. Brad said that he's a regular guy and that's what he loves about Ray. He's the same guy he was when they started out doing the show. Howard said he does seem like a down to earth type of guy.
Howard asked Brad why he wants to put himself through the pressure of having a TV show. Brad said he wants to work, that's why he does it. Howard said he could get away with not working with the kind of money he has coming in from Raymond though. Howard also asked him about how he worked his way up in the comedy world and went over that quickly. Howard then gave Brad a plug for ''Til Death'' and said that Artie has a deal with FOX himself. Artie asked Brad if they need a fat guy on his show. Brad said that's the only thing they need at this point.
Brad told Howard about the show and what that's all about. He said the show is starting to click and they're having a good time doing it. He said that FOX lets them do what they want and they'll be moving to a time slot after American Idol starting in March.
Robin asked Brad if he got along with Patricia Heaton. Brad said he did so Robin mentioned that she's very religious so it must have been tough. Artie said he met her once but she didn't offer him weed like Peter Boyle did. Brad said they're getting beat by Telemundo at this point but he's hoping that they can get their ratings up. Howard figures they'll have more luck when they move to their new time slot. Howard told him to do his show in Spanish, maybe that would work.
Howard asked Brad if he has to share half of his future earnings with his ex-wife. Brad said she's the type of woman who doesn't want the money but he forces it on her. He said she is the mother of his kids and she is going to take that money and he doesn't seem to mind. Brad said they were married for 7 years. Robin said that Howard was married for like 20 years so maybe she deserved that 50 percent more than Brad's wife does.
Howard wished Brad luck with his show and told the fans to tune in and check out ''Till Death.'' Robin asked Brad why he never did the show when he was on Raymond. Brad said he was never asked and also said that he'd have to get past Ron out there. Howard was about to go to break when he realized he'd forgotten to take phone calls.
Howard took one call from a guy who asked Brad why he was talking down to Artie like that. He also said that his show is awful so that's why no one is watching it. The guy also said that Brad may be related to Big Foot. That led to Brad talking about how he's always been that huge size and that his mother used to tell the family that if they got separated, they should all ''meet at Brad.'' That led to Howard and Brad talking about their small penises and how they won't go to urinals. They have to hide in a stall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his show is probably going to be great if he's anything like he was on Raymond. He also said some nice words about Peter Boyle who played Brad's father on Raymond. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Steve said that they have a story about Artie being a featured comedian on Myspace yesterday. They'll have more on that today.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie and High Pitch Mike's recent battles. Some fans think that Mike has balls for coming in and going up against Artie. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he thinks that he needs to get some mangos and pineapples in his diet.
Artie said that he didn't have any cupcakes today, not one. Today is cupcake Wednesday so it must have been tough for him to pass them up. Howard played the High Pitch Mike song parody about him where he tells him to climb up on a roof and follow his dad and then tells him to ''fuck off fat ass.'' Howard heard that Sal and Richard had something to do with that song too. Artie said it seems that those guys really don't like him.
Howard said that Richard and Sal think that he doesn't like them. He said that he did hire them to work there though. He said they were complaining about Artie taking a nap on the show even after he told him it was okay to do that. Howard said Artie has been with the show longer than them and he's got different privileges than they do. Robin said that Sal was asking why Artie can go up to guests and ask for their phone numbers when he can't do the same thing.
Howard said that Miss Howard Stern may have fallen asleep during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played a clip where she was kind of zoning out and not saying anything for a few seconds. Howard also played a clip where Sal was talking about why he doesn't come on the Wrap Up Show that much these days. He said he thinks that Gary disagrees with him on everything he says so he avoids it. Richard got in on that as well and said that Gary always sides with Artie in arguments and stuff. Sal was also saying that if Howard said something, Gary would agree with him too.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal is really talking about himself there because he's actually the one who would side with him on anything he went with. Sal came in so Howard told him that he think that he'd follow him to any religion he went to if he told him to. Sal said he hasn't taken up chess so that's not true.
Sal said that Gary always agrees with Howard but Howard told him that they argue about stuff all the time so that's not true. Sal is the one who said he'd blow Howard if he asked him to. Sal said that's bullshit and he wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Sal who got into the food fight at the pizza place they had Artie's party at. He pointed out all of the stuff that Sal does wrong and that's why he won't have him over at his house. Sal said he doesn't get why he has to bring up all of that stuff about him to make him look bad. Artie said that's because he always does stupid shit.
Artie said that Sal and Richard are good at what they do but they won a contest to get on the show. Sal said that he and Richard are always being honest and not trying to agree with people all the time like other people do. Howard said that Sal is the only one who he won't hang out with at home. Gary said that Sal has been reprimanded more there than he's ever reprimanded anyone else.
Artie went off on Sal and Richard for what they have going on at the comedy shows. Sal was yelling at Artie saying that he's always defending him when he hears shit about him. Sal said that Artie sucked on MAD TV and on the Norm Show and no one knew him before he was on Howard's show. He sounded really angry while he was going off on him but Artie was just laughing. Sal said that Artie carries himself like he's some legend of comedy when he's really not. Sal told him to go down to Philly and rip off the fans on New Year's Eve with the same act he did last year. The two of them were screaming at each other about this stuff.
Artie told Sal that he'll beat his ass after the show if he wants. He also told Sal that he hopes his kids die of AIDS as he was walking out of the studio. He said that he doesn't want that to happen until after they're like 25 years old.
Howard asked if that was for real. Artie said that was the real Sal right there. He's heard that venom come out of him before. Richard said that he doesn't hate Artie. Artie said that he's never had that problem with Benjy and asked him about that. Benjy then pretended he was Sal and yelled at him for a few seconds.
Richard was saying that Artie always goofs on him about stuff he says and it's kind of upsetting to him. That led to him complaining about Robin goofing on him too and saying that no one would care if he died.
A phone caller said that Sal has no right disparaging Artie the way he just did. The guy said that he'd do that job that Sal is doing for free. He said that Sal and Richard want to be Artie and that's why they get so upset about this stuff.
Robin said that all they hear are the negative things even when they say positive things about them. They focus on the negative when they're not always being bashed. Richard said that he agrees with Sal on some of that stuff but he doesn't agree with him about all of the things he was saying about everything he's been in sucking. He said he liked Artie in ''Elf.'' That made everyone laugh and Artie told him that everything he says sounds stupid.
Artie said that Richard and Sal are a couple of pussies for crying over them turning down bits and stuff. Meanwhile that's what happens to every comedy writer. They can't play all of their stuff on the show. Richard said there was a bit that they wanted Howard to play last week when Gilbert Gottfried was in and Gary wouldn't let him play it. Gary said he didn't want to try and cram it in there. He eventually wore him down and told him to go ahead and put up a note about the bit. Gary said that Richard won't take no as an answer so he has to just let him do stuff like that.
Richard still wasn't accepting the answer about why Gary didn't want him playing that clip on the show. Richard kept saying that all he wanted to do was give Howard the option to play the clip. They went over it a few times and Richard was still saying that he just wanted Howard to have that option. Gary did give him the option to let Howard know it was available but he just kept going with it.
Richard said that they had another bit that Howard didn't play for weeks and he kept asking Gary to play it for him. Gary said he did play that for Howard and Howard needed time to think about it for a while. He eventually played it on the air and they loved the call.
Artie said that Sal really has a lot of hostility toward him and it shows that he's obsessed with him and Howard 24/7. Sal was in Gary's office holding up a sign that said ''Die.'' Then he added a ''Please'' to that. Artie told him that was brilliant. He asked Sal if he's ever gone in for an audition for anything. He answered his own question and said he hasn't. He said that Sal has bailed out on his comedy act in the middle of it after claiming he could do 15 minutes.
Sal came back in and went off on Artie again. Artie told Sal that he was going to beat his ass out on the street today. He said that he only pays him to do the comedy shows because he's a charity case. Sal said that at least he has a relationship with his kids and he doesn't think that Artie would ever do that with his kids because he's a lying heroin addict. He left the studio yelling.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he's definitely getting his money's worth out of this today. He said that Artie is able to keep the show moving and doing a great job there and that can't be said about everyone. Robin thinks that Sal believes that he could be Artie and that Howard doesn't think that he could.
Al was saying that he thinks that maybe Sal is dragging Richard down with him in this whole thing. Richard said that's not true and Sal is a brilliant mind when it comes to putting together bits. Howard said he thinks that the team he has now is the best team he's ever had on the show before.
Sal came back in and said that he's not jealous of Artie. He said that he's said that he's the funniest guy on the show and he's consistently funny on the show. He complained that Artie says that they have the mentality of 5th graders every time they come in there though. That's the stuff that upsets them.
Artie said that some of the stuff Sal and Richard do is really funny but he doesn't like other stuff. They do a lot of gay stuff and he's not into that. Howard said that the only one who defines what they are is him. Howard said that Sal is having problems with his wife and he's taking it out on them there. Sal said Artie is always taking jabs at him and he's not sure what else to do.
Howard asked Sal if he was just crying because someone claimed that they caught him doing that out there. Benjy said that Ronnie was signaling to him that it looked like he was crying so that's why he wrote that. Artie told Sal and Richard to take what they dish out or get the fuck out of there. Sal and Artie calmed down a bit and Sal was kissing his ass a little bit saying that he really is one of the funniest guys on the show.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans yell at Sal. One guy told Sal to take a break and go smoke a joint or something to calm down. A woman said that Artie might need a cupcake to calm him down. Artie said that it's like poking a bear today. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest today and they need to do this like once a month. Another guy told Artie to go fuck Sal's wife. Artie said he didn't want to punish her.
Richard was saying that Robin is the one who has been really mean to him. She once threw out a script he'd given her to read. He complained about that for a short time as Robin giggled at him. Howard wanted to get out of this but the guys were bringing up more and more stories.
Gary said that Howard once got mad at Craig Gass when he fell asleep in the Jackie Chair back when he was trying out for the job. Howard got pissed at him back then. Howard didn't get pissed at Artie when he fell asleep because he's been on the show for 6 years and he told him to sleep.
Jon Hein gave a really quick rundown of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up Show today. Most of what they'll be talking about is what just happened.
Sal then started in saying that he and Richard are very passionate about what they do. They don't mind the jokes where they're ball breaking on the show. Sal said that what hurts is when Artie takes a jab at the work they do on the show. Sal said that they're just up and coming guys and they just want to be part of the family. Sal said that's where they feel they're being ribbed and jabbed at. Richard said they're not mad at Artie either.
Howard had a transcript of what Sal said about Artie. He read about him talking about ''those stupid fucking shows'' that Artie used to be on and then went off on him about ''Beer League'' and some of the other stuff that he's done. Sal had to ask Robin to get in on this. She said that what happened yesterday didn't let them truly express what they were feeling.
Sal said that they just want to sit in the back and do what they can but Artie kept going with them and Artie said something about them just being wack packers. He said that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Then he came in and went off on Artie where he knew he could hurt him. Sal was talking in circles and Artie said he was being phony and it was all bullshit. He said that Sal has said all of that stuff before he ever said that they were just wack packers.
Robin didn't understand how the guys could bash Artie the way they did after he has tried to help them out with their careers. Sal said that they get the feeling that Artie really doesn't like them. Howard said he may have to separate Sal and Richard so they don't fill each other's heads with this stuff.
Artie said that they're ruining the show now because they're forcing him to censor himself. Sal said they're not asking him to do that. Sal was also saying that he doesn't bad mouth Gary now that he's working there and he always says that Gary is a great producer. Gary broke in and said that's not true, he's called him a horrible producer a bunch of times. Sal said he just does that to get under his skin.
Richard said that they're okay with Artie saying that their bits are crap if he wants to and they'll just have to deal with it. Artie told Sal to just fuck off then if that's the way they feel. Howard said that Sal calls Gary a shitty producer and talks about Artie's father falling off a roof, but then he gets upset when Artie goofs on him.
Sal was still saying that they don't appreciate Artie taking jabs at their work, but it's probably just their paranoia and insecurity. Howard said that Sal is still goofing on Gary about his work there so he should suck it up. Sal said he just does that as a goof though. He thinks that Artie is being sincere when he says that they suck.
Richard said that they're really not back in the office stewing about this stuff. They might get mad at Artie once every two weeks or so. He told Artie not to censor himself because they can take it. Artie said that he wasn't looking for their permission to rag on them and called Richard a dope for thinking that's what he wanted.
All of the guys said that they were going to move on from today. Artie still sounded irritated and told Sal that he really hates his guts and told him he's a phony faggot and a dummy. He told the two of them to stay away from him. He said that he doesn't like either of them. Artie said he's being honest and he doesn't like either of them. He said that he's seen what they are for the serpent, pussy homos that they are and now he doesn't like them.
Sal said that he was going to go watch Beer League this weekend and give him another review. Artie said he doesn't care what he thinks of the movie. He told him that he will never work in this business after this show because he's nothingness and he sucks. He told Sal not to come to him outside because he'll drop him out there. He actually started throwing stuff at Sal after that so Robin told Sal to get out of there. Howard asked Artie what he was doing. He missed it so he asked him what was going on. He told Artie that wasn't cool to throw stuff. Artie said he didn't care and asked Howard to fire him. Howard asked him if that's really what he wants.
Artie said that he's serious and if he sees Sal outside he's really going to drop him. Howard told him he can't do that and wondered what he did that set him off. Artie said that he just can't be around him because he's a phony, so fuck it. He said if Howard wants him to leave, he'll leave. Artie said that they hired a stalker and he can't get away from him. Artie threw a CD at him and something else.
Howard said it's good that he didn't throw something that could hurt him. Artie said that he could have hit him in the eye with it. Artie said that he probably doesn't belong in the business and he never has. Artie said that he really doesn't like Sal and his phony crap and he can't be around him. Howard said he's putting an end to this and these two will get along. He said they'll get along just fine. There will be no more discussion about this. It was fun up until now. It was getting too real. He thanked Robin for making it worse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard shouldn't be complaining about getting no attention when Artie just gave him a gift yesterday and Howard gave him 45 minutes to talk about squirrels. Howard said he can settle this in 2 seconds and asked Artie if he wants him to do it. Howard asked Artie to promise not to throw anything at him.
Sal came back in and said that he understands Artie's anger. Artie said that he doesn't and this is all about his insane phoniness. Howard said that he doesn't think that it's phoniness. He thinks that it's Sal not knowing how to speak. He said he wants to make things comfortable for these guys there. He told Sal that he can't keep going at it with Artie. He said he knows that they do like each other, at least up until a few days ago. Artie said that he's never liked Sal. He said he's always thought of him as a creep. Now he's stuck working with him.
Howard asked Artie if there's anything about Sal that he likes. Artie said that there's not one thing about him that he does like. He's got a lot of people in his life like that. Howard said he loves them all and asked Artie if he's interested in working there. Artie said he hates working even though this is the greatest job of all time. He said he doesn't like working at all, he just wants to go somewhere and be by himself. He said that it's probably his problem, and probably not even Sal's fault. He said that he's never gotten the proper counseling that he needs. He said he can't walk around in the halls of a big corporation for too long.
Howard said that feelings will change and this is like an open sore and they need to give it the weekend to cool down. He said that they won't bring this up next week, they'll pretend that none of this happened. He apologized to Sal for having something thrown at him. He said that Artie crossed the line throwing stuff at him. Sal said that he didn't get hit though so it's fine.
Howard said they'll give this a rest next week. Sal apologized for upsetting the show and Artie apologized for throwing stuff, but this isn't going to go away. Howard doesn't want anyone coming to work feeling uncomfortable. Howard took some of the blame himself for letting this go a little too far. It wasn't a put on like he thought it might be. This was something real and Artie really hates this guy Sal.
Robin took some blame for it too because she didn't know how Artie really felt. Howard said he's taking this very seriously and he sees that Artie is deeply hurt and that Sal is hurt as well. He said he shouldn't have let it go this far and Robin said she's the one who started it up again. Artie said that if he had done what he wanted to do, he'd be in handcuffs right now.
Artie said that he doesn't trust himself now because he crossed a line that he never thought he'd cross. Sal said that he didn't lunge at him and he didn't hit him so it's a pass this time. He said that Bob Levy threw a bottle of Gatorade at Ronnie one time and nothing happened. Howard said that this is some raw nerve stuff here. Artie asked if he could smoke a cigarette. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. Sal apologized and Artie apologized to him as well for throwing stuff at him. Artie said that it's not about Beer League though. Sal just doesn't get that. Howard had Sal leave before they got into it again.
Artie apologized to Howard and Howard apologized to him as well for pushing the whole situation on the air. He didn't think they were that bitter toward each other. He told Artie that if he's going to be upset, please do it on the microphone. Artie mentioned that Cara Buono, his co-star in Beer League, was out in the green room. He just remembered that. She was there to give her friend a tour of the studio.
A caller said that this was the greatest radio ever. He said he likes that someone finally told Sal the way they really feel about him. Howard said he really has to drop this now and be a responsible broadcaster. Artie said that if this show was scripted, they'd win an Emmy. Howard apologized to Artie for making him so crazy today. He told him to go out and get some pussy this weekend. Jessica Hahn was on the phone a short time later saying that she can help him out with that. She also asked Howard not to censor the show. She didn't think that Artie went too far and it's no different than pounding a fist on a wall or something.
Howard said next week they're going to move on. Jessica said it was the greatest show on earth when that happened. Artie said that he just wanted to say one thing seriously, he then threw in a plug for his Avery Fisher Hall comedy show that he's doing later this month... NYcomedyFestival.com for tickets.
Artie said that he's upset with himself. He thought that he was past doing stuff like that in his life but now he's realized that he isn't. Howard said the cigarette was killing him. Artie said it was the only thing keeping him from exploding in his head. He said he needed some kind of badness in his body. He said he's been smoking a ton lately, so much so that the fire department almost came yesterday.
Ralph called in and said that this diet is going to kill Artie. He said that it wasn't Artie's fault and he knows that he got all worked up. Ralph said that Howard should take all of the blame, not just some of it, because he pushes these guys to the edge. Howard said that they talk about everything on the show and he honestly doesn't read every situation properly. He thought that Sal and Artie were having some fun with this yesterday and he didn't know how it was going to play out.
Artie said that there's nothing different between what he did and what AJ Benza did. Howard and Gary said that he didn't connect with him though so it's not the same. Artie said that if this doesn't work out though, he's going to have to leave. He doesn't like Sal and he doesn't think he can work around him.
Sal came back into the studio but everyone got scared that he was going to say something wrong. Sal said that Artie didn't hit him. He said that he wants to make things more comfortable for him there. Artie apologized to him for throwing the stuff. Sal said that he just wants to make sure that he's comfortable there. Ralph told him that this was annoying and he should just drop it. Gary agreed and told Sal to go do his thing and forget about it. Gary asked if they should bring it up on the Wrap Up Show. Howard told him to just drop it completely. No more of this, not on the Wrap Up Show, not on Superfan Roundtable. Howard said that he doesn't even want it on the Bubba show, Scott Ferrall's show, not even on Kidd Chris' show on terrestrial radio. No more discussions about Artie and Sal. Howard said that they've pushed enough buttons and they're done with that. Artie said that people are paying $13 a month to hear that stuff though.
Gary asked Howard what he would do if Artie asked him ''It's either me or Sal'' what would he do. Howard said he can't deal with that. Artie said that he'd leave himself if it came down to that. Howard told Gary to get out of there because he was getting it going again.
Benjy had a suggestion and said that they should fine Artie or something or else he's going to end up quitting. Howard told him he's limited to 3 meals a day then. He also suggested that they have him clean up a city street or something. Artie said he can't wait to go out and say to Cara ''So, you want to see the studio now?''
Howard wrapped up and said that on Monday, no one is going to remember this. It's going to be over, that's it. He tried wrapping things up with the guys but ended up keeping the show going for a few minutes. He said that he likes an argument once in a while, as long as it doesn't go too far. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest moment on the show. He said that this is what Jersey guys do. Violence was the right response. That made Artie laugh. The guy said that this is what they're paying 13 bucks a month for and he loves it. The guy said that Howard is the only guy who could hold this mess of a family together for so long. He said that they should put away the sharp objects and just move on.
Howard had Sal and Richard come in so he could say what he wanted to say. Richard showed up first and said that Sal might be taking a shit. Howard said that he'd take a break first then and they'd get to this later. Howard wondered why Sal would come to work and take a shit like that. Richard said he had a newspaper under his arm when he went in there so he was prepared for a long shit. Howard said he heard that Sal does that every day there. He thinks that Sal could do that at home and not bring it to work with him.
Howard said he does try to hide his shits from Beth but yesterday he had to tell her that he had to go so she could clear the room. He said that's the first time that's really happened. He said he wasn't happy about that and he's managed to time it so he can flush as it's coming out of him but there's still a stink. Artie said that he used to play some rock music when he'd do that or jerk off when he was living at home.
Howard figured that Artie was taking multiple dumps every day but Artie said he really only takes one a day. Howard asked where Sal was. He showed up a few seconds later and apologized for taking a dump. Howard told him to do that at home and stop doing it there every day. Sal said he's trained to do it every day at the same time but Howard told him to take it back home.
Howard asked Sal how he wipes and stuff. Sal said that he just uses paper and goes up the asshole with his pinkie. Sal said that he's never had a hemorrhoid before in his life so he must be doing something right.
Howard said that this Artie thing could go right or horribly wrong. He turned the microphone over to Artie and let him do his thing. Sal was having problems with his ass hurting after his shit but Richard didn't think that he had washed his hands. Sal made him smell them before Artie got started.
Artie got to his thing and said that he heard a replay of some of the Wrap Up show and thinks that Jason is really getting beat up over all of this stuff. He said that Jason is just trying to get by and he's just doing things for the show and that's the way the show works. He said that Jason just added to the great radio they did and he wants to get him off the hook.
Artie said that he can see that they can't move on until they get this resolved. He doesn't think it's a funny thing, it's very serious. He said that he's never going to be able to forget some of the stuff that Sal said about him. He said he felt he saw the real guy when he was going off on him about his career and how he'll never have kids because of heroin and the drugs will cause him to have retarded looking kids and stuff like that. He said that Sal goofing on him about his father falling off the roof isn't all that funny either. He said that Sal comparing his phony phone calls to his movie that he worked on for four years is ridiculous. He said that kind of insult to the insult of him saying that they repeat their phony phone calls is out of line.
Artie said that stuff was big but the stuff he said was in reaction to that stuff. He said that him throwing stuff is what he has to apologize for. He said he's willing to call it even at this point. Artie said he has to apologize to Howard for throwing stuff because that was out of line. It was very immature behavior but he was red with anger at that time.
Artie said that talking to Sal sometimes is like talking to someone who isn't that bright. He said that Sal comparing his movie about Robin's meats and vegetables to his Beer League movie is just dumb and he got red with anger over that. Howard said that this isn't going very well and he's still calling Sal not so bright. Artie said he can't move on until he gets all of this out.
Sal asked Howard to please stop interrupting. Artie said he knows that Sal and Richard are smart and they're there for a reason. Howard knows what he's doing and he wants them there. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Howard said it does because he has to work there with them. Artie said he's sorry about the throwing stuff but he also thinks that these guys talking behind his back is really lame. He said that when they complained about that stuff on the Wrap Up Show, everyone knew what they thought about him. He can't trust them if he's going to go behind his back.
Artie said that Jason shouldn't be held responsible for what went down because he was just helping the show by adding stuff to the argument. Artie said if these guys can agree to not talk behind his back again, and just come to him instead, he'll be fine. He said that he may have said some fucked up things to Sal and Richard but he says them to their faces.
Howard asked Artie if he still thinks that he hates Sal. Artie said that he does have a problem with Sal and it's going to take time for it to go away. He thinks that what he said was real and if he really feels that way on any level, then he can't like him. He said that it would be very tough to like someone who thinks that way about him. He said he's not sure how he could have liked him before after what he said.
Artie said that what Sal said about him was really well thought out. He said that Richard comes off as a loveable little hayseed but then he talks about him being two faced in the back office. Artie said that if he was treated like they get treated, he'd quit. He said that he makes like 10 times as much as they do and he feels that he's still underpaid and that they're overpaid. He said that they come in and act like idiots when they do their thing. He said that he's more talented than them and that's why he makes the kind of money he does. HE's sick of being walked all over the way they do. He said that he deserves the kind of money he makes and he's not on the same level that they are. He said that maybe one day they'll get better but he doesn't care either way.
Artie said that if Sal and Richard want to be treated the way he's treated, then they have to work harder and make it to where he's made it. He said that he's smarter and funnier than them and that's just the way it is. He said he's just being honest and saying this stuff to their faces. He said he's done stand-up on the road with them before and he knows for a fact that he's better than them.
Artie said that they said some evil, nasty things to him and he has to vent about this. He said he wants them to say stuff to his face if they have something to say about him. He just doesn't want them going behind his back and talking about it. He said that's the biggest problem he has. Artie said that he'll try and watch what he says about them on the air if they'll agree to say stuff to his face.
Artie said that they can take that offer and move on from there. He said he thinks that they can shake hands and move on if they can just agree to that stuff. Artie said that this is hard for him because they remind him of himself when he was first starting out in the business. He said that talking about him behind his back is really, really hurtful to him. That's why they had the big blow up last week.
Howard let Artie talk for a few minutes before he said a word. Artie vented his stuff and told Sal and Richard that they are funny and they deserve the jobs they have. He said that he knows he has a great job there on the show and he won't be as great doing whatever he does because this show is so great. He said that he doesn't feel he's any better than these guys on a personal level but on a professional level he does. He said that he's treated very well because of that. He said he would never fuck Sal's wife though and he doesn't hope that they get AIDS and die. He hopes that they live long lives.
Artie said that everything is off his chest at this point and he wants to let Sal and Richard get stuff off their chests. Robin said that they might need a day to think about it. Sal said that he didn't need to think about it. Fred told him that he might want to think about what he's going to say right now. He told Sal that he might want to think long and hard before he says a word. Sal said that he doesn't need time to think about it but Howard said he was going to take some phone calls. Gary told Howard to let Sal talk.
Sal said that he's very happy that Artie is giving them an opportunity to develop a friendship again. He said that Artie has been very good to them before and he knows that they should have gone to him instead of doing the stuff they did. Sal said he knows that things snowballed and he shouldn't have gone off on him the way he did. He kept it all in until it all came out at once. He said that the things Artie has said about his kids wasn't real and he didn't take it seriously. Sal said that Artie is absolutely right and he won't go behind his back and do that stuff. Artie told him to just do it on the air with him so they can do a bit or something, just don't talk about him behind his back. Sal aids that Artie's offer was a very magnanimous thing to do. He had some trouble with the word so Artie told him to just say ''good thing'' instead of using the word.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie is a big baby and he's being ridiculous about this stuff. Another caller said that this has turned into a fag fest and they all suck. One guy told Artie to do a big bag of dope and just end it already.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Artie came off really bad there and it sounds like he's saying that Sal and Richard aren't funny and he is but then told them that they are funny. Howard said he heard it differently and he was just saying that they're not really equals on the show. Artie said that he is treated better than them because he's up a few rungs on the show business ladder than they are.
Howard took some more phone calls and one woman said that she can hear Hallmark knocking on his door soon after hearing his explanation. She said that she agrees with Artie about what he thought but thought that was pretty funny that he thought it was some kind of peace offering.
Another caller said that you put Artie on a diet and he won't shut the fuck up. The caller said that Artie's been whining for the past week. Another guy said that Artie is correct but Sal is a big man for stepping up the way he did today. Melrose Larry Green said that Jessica Hahn is out of her mind and Artie was right with what he did. Another caller said that Artie is absolutely right and he's the fuckin' man for saying what he said to those assholes.
Captain Janks asked Artie if his mother had anything to do with this. Artie said that his mother was upset that he threw something but she didn't have anything to do with this peace offering thing. Janks still thinks that they should box.
Howard asked Richard for his thoughts on all of this. Richard said he wanted to thank Artie for this and he was really upset about what had gone on. He started to break down and said that he felt bad about the whole thing with Jason. He said he felt really bad because Artie had given him a gift that day. He said that he'll definitely go to Artie if he has a problem with him in the future. His voice was quivering as he told Artie how much he loves him and how he hopes to be able to get to where Artie is in his career. He said that he really admires him for how far he's gotten in his career like when he's on Letterman. Artie quickly mentioned that he'll be on Letterman again on November 12th.
Howard brought up the gay stuff that Richard talked about the other day on the Wrap Up Show that made him sound kind of gay. Howard said that Richard admires Brad Pitt and Artie at the same time. Richard said that he admires anyone who has worked hard and made it big. He said that he admires everyone there on the show, even Scott the Engineer and Ronnie. Howard and the guys found that kind of funny. Richard said that everyone there loves what they do and that's why he looks up to them.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and asked Artie if he's going to let Richard go to the gig he has in Cleveland. Artie said that he'd take him back if he wants to come out there with him. Richard said that he'd be honored to be there. Artie said that the crowd loves these guys even if they don't do a long thing up on stage. Howard asked if Sal will ever work with him up on stage. Artie said that they definitely will. Sal said that he can't do the Cleveland date but he would be honored to do other shows with him. Sal said he can't make it to the Cleveland thing because he has some family thing coming up.
Artie told Sal and Richard that they have to learn to suppress their anger like Robin, Fred and Howard have learned to do. Robin said that she's vented on the show and has crushed them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard is a genius for doing all of this. Sal joked that Howard had sent him an email the night before the big fight and told him to come in and tell Artie that Beer League sucked. Dominic said he wasn't trying to say that Howard would do something like that, he just thinks that this is a great show. He also asked Robin if they discussed that stuff when they went out the other night. Robin said they didn't do that at all.
Sal asked Artie if they could go out to dinner or something to get back to where they were before. Richard wanted to be left out of that, it wasn't his idea, it was all Sal. Artie said that he's fine with that and of course he'd do that. Howard said that means that Artie is going to be paying for another dinner if they do this.
Howard asked if they all wanted to hug after all of this. Artie went into his Godfather impression and said he would hug them. It was an extremely gay show today with the guys breaking down and crying and now hugging. They all hugged in the middle of the studio. Sal said that he told Artie he's an asshole and he's sorry about all of that. Richard went in for his hug and Artie said he smelled pumpkin and shit at the same time. Howard said it looked like Artie was in pain hugging those guys. Artie said that it seems they've worked things out now. Howard said they can now get back to the hard work of making penis jokes.
Howard said he was surprised that Artie was up for the hug. Artie said he was being dead honest during his speech, even if he came off as kind of pompous. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and aids that this is all sickening and what Artie did was phony. She didn't like what he did and thinks that he didn't have to say that he was better than them. Artie said he was just being honest. He said that show business is a rare thing and some people can't pull off being self congratulatory. He said that Howard is one guy who can do it but he may have had some trouble pulling it off himself.
Jon Hein wrapped up today's special around 11:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about how John Bon Jovi was going to be coming in later this morning. Robin wondered if he had done that WPLJ celebration that they were talking about and if they could ask him about it when he came in. Howard said John might thing that they're mad at him over that kind of thing but that's not the case, they're just curious.
Howard said he was talking to Artie about The Beatles before the show. Artie said it wasn't him, it must have been Fred. Howard said he was just saying that to make it sound like he actually has conversations with people off the air. Howard was going to drop it after that but then asked Gary to bring in some interns to find out if they know their songs. One of the female interns came in and said she really doesn't know their music very well. She said she has some friends who are fans but not her. Howard said he was going to sing some of their songs for her to guess. He sang three songs and asked her to tell him which of the three was a Beatles song.
Howard sang the first song and no one knew what that one was. He sang ''Hang on Sloopy'' for the second song and then sang another. She went with song number 1 and she was right. The third song was also a Beatles song and Robin said she didn't even know which song the first and third were. Fred said that those songs were hardly Beatles songs, they were the shittiest that he could have picked. Howard said it was a contest so it wasn't supposed to be something that everyone knows.
Fred told Howard that if he's not going to do it right, then he shouldn't do it at all. Fred went off on him for a couple of minutes yelling at him about his song picks. Robin said there are people Howard's age who wouldn't have known they were Beatles songs. Howard told Fred that he was just trying to find out if this girl knew the songs. Nothing is on the line there. He told Fred that his reaction is bizarre. Fred was still going off on him sounding as if he were really angry. Howard said that he told Gary earlier that he had actually bet Gary that he could get Fred to explode by playing this game. He said he had just won $100. He was kidding about that. Fred said he could see that Gary wasn't telling the truth when he agreed with him about that.
Howard said that Jack and Rod tried a similar thing where they called a guy and asked him to figure out the song. He played the call where Sal and Richard, as Jack and Rod, called this guy and played some very well known Beatles songs for him. The guy had no idea what he was hearing even though they were playing the lyrics that were the name of the song. The guy wasn't able to get it so Richard and Sal pretend they're off the air and say the name of the song as being an Elvis song called ''Purple Haze.'' The guy pretends that he couldn't hear them and took his guess getting it wrong of course. He hangs up on them after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Fred that the whole idea of that game was to sing an obscure Beatles song. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Fred what happened to that ''I am torry'' clip from Crackhead Bob. Howard said it might be time to play the Fred theme song and ask him about that .They played that song and then asked Fred what the caller had just asked. Fred was upset with Howard about playing the song so loudly and asked him to stop talking over him so he could talk to this guy.
Howard asked Fred if he had a problem with his wife last night or something. Fred said he's fine and asked Howard if Beth is in town. Howard said she is so Fred said that means everyone is safe then. They went back and forth for a few seconds and eventually Fred played that clip that the caller asked to hear. Howard played him out with his ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' theme song.
Howard played the clip where Tracy yelled at Grillo on the Intern Show and then played Grillo's taped message about that situation. Grillo said he wasn't able to get a word in during that call so he taped this message for them to defend himself. Howard played more of that argument from last week's Intern Show and said it was pretty interesting to hear. Artie seemed to be enjoying it as well. He said there's no winning in an argument with that chick. She was pretty brutal with Grillo.
Howard had Mike the intern on the phone and he was saying that he could back up Tracy's side of the story. Howard said that they have to listen to Steve's side of the story though so he played the audio clip a short time later. Grillo said that his microphone was turned down in that Intern Show call and now it sounds like that ''fuckin bitch'' got one over on him. Grillo goes on and on talking about how he brought people to the restaurant and rambled on and on about how they were taking advantage of his kindness. He said that they were ordering top shelf liquor and they can't comp that stuff. As Grillo was going on and on Howard and Artie were laughing at him.
Howard said it sounds like Grillo was saying that he had offered them free drinks but when they started ordering the good stuff, they decided not to comp them. So he was basically backing up Tracy's story. That led to Fred doing his impression of Grillo and making fun of his comments. Howard got back to the clip and Grillo just goes on and on calling Tracy a bitch over and over and saying that she was out of line.
Grillo said that Tracy abuses Howard Stern's name and she used it there at the bar. He also said that she's just an intern wrangler. Howard said he'd like to see Tracy and Steve in the Bubba-gon. He said that might be some good cross promotion for the show.
Howard said that Grillo's wife also had some comments about Tracy. She was saying that it was wrong of her to do that to her husband and she also said that alcohol has calories so she should watch it. Howard and the guys pointed out some of the comments that Grillo had made and goofed on him about those.
Howard replayed the audio of Steve going off on Tracy from the start and had everyone laughing at him again. He says that he's dumbfounded at one point in the clip so the guys goofed on that. Howard said they have to take that tape, cut it up, and make it into a phony phone call. He kept playing the clip and laughing at Steve's comments.
Gary said that Steve the Intern was saying that he doesn't get that top shelf liquor thing because most of the guys were drinking Bud that night. He heard that one guy ordered some Petrone. Steve came into the studio and told Howard that there were 8 people there and only one of them was drinking the good stuff. The rest of them were drinking Bud Light. He said that nothing was comped at all so he's not sure what Grillo was talking about.
Ralph called in and said that he's been talking to Grillo lately and he's just crazy because he doesn't know what he did. He said that he just admitted that he did wrong when he brought up that top shelf thing. Howard said he thinks Grillo does his best when he's angry. Fred did more of his impression of Grillo and got Howard in on it as well.
Howard said they have to have Grillo back in there. He played more of him going off on Tracy where he was talking about how much of a bitch Tracy is and how the interns all hate her. Gary said that the visual in this clip is great because Grillo is going off on Tracy while his wife is sitting there nodding her head. It's all on camera and it'll be on Howard TV eventually.
Howard said that they get a lot of mail telling him to keep Eric off the show completely. The guys goofed on Eric about his fucking of his mattress. Eric said that he's sick of that shit too and people are using it to make fun of him through his Myspace account. Ralph told him that maybe he should stay off of Myspace if that's the case.
Artie asked Eric why he would announce something like that on The Howard Stern Show if he was afraid that it was going to cause problems. Eric said he was trying to offer up some truthful stuff and that's why it came out. Howard asked him if he's banned from mattress stores now. Artie asked him if he has Dial-a-Mattress on speed dial.
Eric apologized to Will after Will asked him to. Howard asked the fans not to make fun of him about his humping the bed. Ralph asked him more about that mattress fucking and asked if he uses a pillow or the mattress. Eric wasn't saying much, he wasn't sure if he should talk more about it. Ralph asked him if he's flat on the mattress or like an inchworm. Eric said ''flat'' and didn't elaborate much. He was giving one word answers.
Artie asked Eric if the bed has ever gotten jealous and asked him if he's fucking the couch. Eric didn't answer. Howard asked Eric some questions about if he uses his hand when he's humping the bed. Eric said that he does use his hand. Ralph asked him where he finishes. Eric said he uses Kleenex. He said that he makes sure he has tissue around to clean up the mess. Howard said he thought he just finished into the sheets.
Howard told Eric he has nothing to be ashamed of, everyone jerks off. He said that he knows another guy who jerks off in a similar way to Eric. He asked Eric if he had anything else to say because he had to get going. Eric asked Fred to stop playing the song parodies about him because they're over a year old now. Fred said he didn't think Eric would be up that early. Eric said he goes to sleep after the show.
Ralph told Howard to do a reality show about Eric instead of Miss Howard Stern. Eric said he's not really willing to let the cameras cover him like that so that probably won't be happening. Howard let Eric go a short time later and Fred played one of the song parodies that Eric asked them to stop playing. It was ''I'm a Midget In The Sky'' song to the tune of Sugar Ray's ''Fly.'' He played a couple of other quick ones before Howard put a stop to them.
Artie said that he's in a big feud with Bob Levy now and Levy is actually cancelling gigs with him now. He said that he's cancelling some really big gigs with him. Howard said that he gets Bob's point because he really takes joy in ripping on Bob. Artie said that this issue has been going on forever and he doesn't think that he has a good point with this Dave Chappelle ripping him off thing.
Artie said that he doesn't think that Bob's joke about ''I'm going to go home and beat my dick like it owes me money...'' isn't really his. He doesn't think that Chappelle ripped it off. He said that it sounds like one of those really old jokes that he just kind of adopted. He said Bob was very defensive about the joke. He said that the joke was said on Chappelle's show as if it was supposed to be from a bad stand-up comic, it wasn't even Chappelle using it in his act.
Artie said that he begged Bob not to go into that on the air but he did it anyway when Chappelle was on the show. That led to Chappelle calling him a hack on the show and Bob kind of came off looking bad that day. They stopped talking about that until they started doing the roasts. Artie started goofing on Bob about that rip off thing and Bob got upset with him. He said that he thinks Bob is an amazing comedian and he does better than him at comedy shows.
Howard said that Bob is probably thinking about why Artie always brings that up when he's talking about him. Artie said that he brought it up yesterday on the Wrap Up Show and that pissed Bob off so much that he started cancelling gigs. Howard said that he seems to like torturing Bob a lot. Artie said that Bob works really hard going from gig to gig to make ends meet. He said that he loves working with the guy at those shows they do. He said he does kind of enjoy busting his balls though.
Artie said that he had to call Bob and console him the day of his roast because Bob was upset with him about it. Howard had asked Gary to get Bob on the phone but he may not have been awake. They were just getting his voice mail.
Artie said that his assistant called him yesterday and said that Levy was calling all pissed off about the stuff he was saying. He said that Bob was going to keep the Pittsburgh gig this coming week but he's cancelling Atlantic City and some other gigs. Artie said that he'd hate to have Bob cancel out of these gigs because it's good money.
Sal came in and said that Bob called him and he was really pissed yesterday. He said that he agrees with Bob about the way Artie throws in all of these digs at him. Sal said that Bob told him that he's not going to be doing the Borgata gig with Artie if he's not doing it. Sal said that he's not taking sides there. He said that he was never on the Borgata gig but Bob asked him to do another gig that same night. Artie threw in a dig at Bob again when he said that Bob has a lot of Fire Houses to play in Jersey. He knew that Bob would get pissed about that as well.
Sal said that Bob is funnier than a lot of these comedians that are out there and Artie doesn't give him the respect that he should. Artie said he doesn't think that Bob is as good as Fitzsimmons or Nick Di Paolo but he is good. There's another joke that Artie said Bob uses that he thinks people have ripped off from him. He claimed that Belzer had ripped off this joke that Artie thinks is one of those old jokes that comedians have been telling forever. He's tried to tell Bob not to make a big deal about that stuff though. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up the discussion.
Artie wondered what a Treo or a Blackberry does. Howard said it's like a phone, email and other stuff all in one small package. He said he can even get on the internet which seemed to impress Artie. Howard said he's trying to get this new laptop computer but it's been on backorder. He said he likes the Sony Vaio computers but he wants his mouse pointer in the middle of the keyboard like the IBM computers have.
Howard talked about the laptop he was looking at and how it doesn't have a DVD player in it. He said you have to use a separate accessory to add on to it. Robin said she'll have to think about that. Artie was clueless about that and didn't know anything about what they were talking about. He was figuring out what software was and what it does... finally learning about computers at the age of 39.
Howard said that Beetlejuice is ahead of everyone with technology. This past weekend they gave Beetlejuice an iPod and he was talking to it as if it were a phone. It was like he had a premonition about the new Apple iPhone and spoke to it as if there were really someone there. He played the audio clip that they played yesterday where Sal and Shuli were goofing on Beetlejuice with the iPod. Beetlejuice had a conversation with someone that wasn't even there.
Howard read an article about the new iPhone and said it looks kind of cool. He read the details about the phone and filled everyone in on the size and some of the features of the new phone. Howard said that he gets driven crazy by his Treo sometimes because the phone drops out and stuff.
Artie carries around a cell phone. He said it's a Mercedes phone that he got about 3 months ago when he bought his car. He said they gave him the phone when he bought his car and it still had an antenna. Artie said his car has an antenna as well.
Ralph called back in and told Howard to just buy the Sony computer he was talking about. Howard said he wants the nipple pointer control that the IBM has so he doesn't want the Sony. Ralph also said that the iPhone doesn't have a camera but Howard said he just read it does. It has a 2 Megapixel phone built in. Ralph didn't like the pricing of the phone either.
Howard said that if Apple makes a good product, they deserve to get a huge market share. He read more details about the iPhone and said that they're exclusive with Cingular. Ralph said their stock shot up like 10 bucks yesterday when this phone was announced.
Artie said he's way behind in this technology and it takes him like 3 days to get stuff from his buddy Frank Sebastiano when they're sharing stuff. Artie said he had a good story about that stuff and how they were trying to put the finishing touches on ''Beer League.'' They were also figuring out their vacation schedule so Frank called his manager and asked for the schedule. The manager e-mails and faxes to Frank a list of holidays that they had off. Frank got a list of the holidays they were going to be off and Frank called him and said that he could stay out late the night before Thanksgiving.
Gary came in and told Howard how Artie had purchased a really expensive computer that he never used. It sat there for 4 years and he never used it at all. Artie said he got mad one day and broke it when he got pissed off at something that rhymes with Zana. He just got a new computer over vacation. Jeff Shick came over and hooked him up with a new one. He's had it for weeks and he hasn't used it at all. Artie said he went to his web site... once.
Ralph asked Artie if anything normal goes on in his life. He always has a story about that kind of stuff. That led to Robin bringing up a story about how Artie had a tough time getting his seatbelt on in Scott DePace's car the other day when they ran out of there. Artie said that Scott's car, a Dodge Charger, looks like his car's big, dumb bodyguard.
Scott came in and explained how the car won't let them go until everyone has their seatbelt on so he had to put it on before they left. Artie couldn't get the belt over himself because he's gotten so big. Artie said he hates seatbelts because they're awful and dumb. Scott said it took him like 5 minutes to wrestle the belt on and he had to help buckle him in like a kid.
Artie said he wasn't even trying to put the belt on because he didn't want to put it on. He said his car doesn't do that when he doesn't have his belt on.
Gary came in and told Howard about the phone that Artie bought to go along with his car. The phone is really expensive and it looks really goofy. He aids it costs like $1000 and it looks bizarre when you take it out of the car. Gary said that there are phones out now that will work with his car and they have Bluetooth built right in.
Artie ended up goofing on Ralph because of one trip they took in his convertible where his girlfriend had to get into the back seat because Ralph's faggot back hurt. Ralph pointed out that Dana is now gone though so it's not that big of a deal.
Artie and Ralph were still going at each other so Artie wondered whose life they'd rather have, his or Ralph's. Robin said it would be Ralph because he doesn't do anything. Artie said that Ralph is going to die broke and alone while he'll just die with money. Howard wanted to wrap up the whole conversation and move on. Ralph said that he thinks his life is more normal than Artie's. Artie argued about that and said that he goes to work so his life is more normal.
The guys talked about how Ralph is on drugs just as much as Artie is on drugs. Robin said she once saw Ralph sleeping on the street. Gary came in and said that he would rather have Ralph's life because he has no conscience. He said that someone with a conscience wouldn't have forced Dana to sit in the back seat like Ralph did. Gary said that he would love to go out to Sam Simon's place and do stuff for him to work for the time he gets to spend at his house. Ralph said he does help Sam out and he ''does the right thing'' for him. The guys thought he was saying that he does sexual favors or something but Ralph said that's not what he was saying.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph blows and Artie rules. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Artie stayed in character for the rest of the news and continued to rap and rhyme during the rest of the stories Robin read through. Howard asked if they could put Artie in black face and send him down to the auditions. Artie said he'd do that in a second. He was still in character when Fred played that one song he knew, ''Gimme The Loot.'' Artie knew all of the lyrics and sang along to it as it was playing. He knew it just as well when the song wasn't playing as he did when it was playing. Artie said that song is great, he asked Fred to put it on CD for him.
Howard said that on August 10th they have something very big happening. He said that's when Rush Hour 3 is opening. He had to do a commercial in the middle of all of that talk up. He then had the guys bring in The Iron Sheik. Sheik came in and said it was a pleasure to be there today. He thanked Howard for inviting him in. Howard had him put on his headphones so he could hear what was going on and then told him how his grandfather worshiped the Iron Sheik. He said he'd be so proud of him if he knew he got to meet him.
Howard said that this is two legends meeting this morning. Sheik told Howard about this medal he brought in with him. He wanted him to read it so Howard read it and it was something from 1971. He said that he came over to this country back then after being the Shah of Iran's body guard.
Howard asked Sheik who discovered him here in the States. He said it was Vince McMahon. Howard said he thinks that Vince McMahon has forgotten about Sheik and wondered if he's still on the payroll. Sheik told him that's a great question. He then started getting worked up and telling Howard that he sold out shows in Pontiac, Michigan and things like that. Then Howard asked him about Hulk Hogan and why he's still involved with wrestling. Sheik said he should be there right along with Hulk. He said that Hulk was a weight lifter and he told people not to use drugs so he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Sheik was all over the place talking about the wrestling stuff and calling people fags. He said that Hulk is a fag to him. He said that someone asked him to break Hulk's legs one time but he didn't do it because he's twice the man that he is. He said that he's not jealous of Hulk's money but he does get pissed off when he thinks back to the days when he was acting like a phony. He said that hulk told him he ''owed him one'' one time but never did anything for him.
Howard was trying to get Sheik all worked up asking him why he's not part of the wrestling scene now. He used to be huge in the wrestling scene and now he's been forgotten. Sheik said that's true and went off on Hulk again. He said that he's a gold digger. He explained how he had left the WWE and went to other wrestling leagues.
Howard told Sheik that they found this new guy Iron Sheik Jr. (Artie) so he put him on the mic and let Artie try to get Sheik worked up. Artie did his impression of Sheik and went off on him as if he were the real Sheik. Sheik started to go off on him like battling Sheiks. Artie was talking over him and not letting him get a word in. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. was getting $2 million from Vince McMahon to do his thing. Sheik told Artie to come in and show himself if he's man enough. He told him he was going to fuck his ass and break his back to make him humble.
Sheik told Sheik Jr. That talk is cheap and he should show himself. Howard had to get rid of Artie to calm everyone down. Sheik was out of breath from yelling. He said he was all excited over that and that's why he was all out of breath. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. Had been signed on for $2 million and that was just wrong. Sheik asked for a cold beer and said that the guy got him all excited and if he was there, he'd put him in the camel clutch and fuck him in the ass. He said he'd do that to humble him.
Artie had been out of the studio so when he came back in Howard told Artie what had just gone on. Sheik kind of knew that it was him so he told him he'd fuck his fat ass if he fucked with him. He told him not to fuck with him because he's heard about him. He said that Artie might be bad but he's the master of the bad.
Howard told Sheik that he had Ultimate Warrior live via satellite for him. It was actually Richard Christy doing an impression of Ultimate Warrior. He told Sheik that he'd beat his ass. That got Sheik all worked up again and he was telling Warrior that he was a faggot for shaving his chest. He was ready to wrestle the guy but Howard got rid of him and said ''fuck that guy'' and moved on to the next guy.
Howard said they had Randy ''Macho Man'' Savage live via satellite as well. Sheik went off on him before they even put him up. Sheik called him a cheap, Jew, son of a bitch. Sal was playing the part of Randy and called Sheik some names and told him he was ready to wrestle him. Sheik told him he was a Jew son of a bitch a few times and yelled at him for a couple of minutes. Sal was throwing out as many racist comments as he could. He also whipped out his cock and put it next to a picture of Sheik. That pissed him off even more.
Howard let ''Randy'' go and talked to Sheik about what a great performer he is. Sheik told him he's right and he should have been treated that way. He's broke now though. Howard asked him about Andre the Giant. Sheik said he was a piece of shit too. He went off on him for a short time calling him names and goofing on him.
Howard had Bubba the Love Sponge come in because he was going to be playing today. Bubba came in and said that he was hearing all of this bullshit from Sheik and he thinks that he's just a self-promotion machine. He said that Hogan isn't a faggot and he's a very smart man who made a lot of money doing what he did. He started to argue with some of the things that Sheik was claiming and was ready to start wrestling him. Sheik was ready to take him on but Howard told them they weren't going to do that.
Bubba was saying that Sheik never won an Olympic gold medal like he claimed, he had some other kind of gold medal. Bubba was also calling him out on some other things that he claimed. He said that Sheik is just a ''jobber'' and wasn't impressed by that. The two of them went off on each other calling each other names. Sheik was telling Bubba he was a fat, ugly piece of shit... and of course a ''faggot.''
Bubba said he was sorry to Howard but didn't apologize to Sheik at all. Howard wanted to settle everything with Anal Ring Toss. Bubba said that he and Sheik had some good heat going on between them. Howard tried to calm Sheik down and brought in the hot chick that was going to have the stick in her ass.
AJ came in and seemed to calm the savage beast that is Iron Sheik. He stayed calm for about 5 seconds before Howard told him they had The Killer Bees live via satellite. They had Sal and Richard on again trying to get Sheik all riled up again. It worked. They had him yelling at them within seconds. Howard got rid of them and Bubba said that he was going to see them down in Tampa, just to make Sheik even more pissed off.
Howard said that Sheik is making some appearances at various places around the area. He said you can book him though his manager at ESSPromotions.com. You can also find out more at SheikShow.com.
Howard talked to AJ a little more and said you can find out more about Anal Ring Toss at AnalRingToss.com or buy AJ's movies at ChesterMolestHer.com. He also said that they have Clips4Sale.com as the sponsor of this event.
Howard calmed everyone down in the room and had AJ prepare for the game. She laid down on the floor with the stick up her ass that the guys were going to toss the rings on. AJ was 20 years old and has some porn movies coming out that can be found at the web site Howard mentioned earlier. AJ said she wasn't raped or molested as a child or anything like that. She said her parents aren't too thrilled with what she does for a living though.
Howard had Artie go first. He said that it was much further than it was at K-Rock so it wasn't going to be easy. Artie, the Lord of the Anal Rings, threw his rings and missed all five. Howard asked AJ if she does this stuff much. She said she does it quite a bit at bachelor parties.
Bubba went next and threw his rings. He missed all five and Sheik called him names while he was missing. Sheik was up next. He started throwing his rings and missed all five. Howard asked him what happened there. Sheik said that he'd like to try one more time. Howard said they were going to have another round since no one got any.
Howard had Sheik go first. Sheik had the chance to win $2,500 if he had gotten any on. He had only 3 this time and missed all of them. Bubba was up next. He threw and missed all three as well. AJ was having some trouble staying in position since it was so uncomfortable. Artie went next and missed all three as well.
They had to do yet another round so they moved everyone even closer to AJ. Sheik went first and got all three since he was so close. Howard gave him the prize money since he needed it so much. Howard wanted to end the event but Artie wanted to defend his Lord of the Anal Rings title. He threw his rings and got one of the three on.
AJ was able to remove the stick from her ass so Howard was going to talk to her a little more. He asked her about her movies and found out that her new movie is called ''AJ the SoCal BroHo.'' She explained what that was about and it didn't make a lot of sense. Will told Howard that she wanted to ride the Sybian too. Howard had the guys prepare it so she could take it for a ride. AJ got on and took it for a ride. She was kind of nervous about it. Howard said that this machine is guaranteed to give a woman an orgasm.
Gary started out low and slowly turned up the power. AJ said it felt really good even though it tickled. Gary jacked it up slowly and AJ said she was getting horny. She said that it was pretty cool. Sheik said he was getting horny too. AJ said it still felt pretty good but she wasn't finishing. She told Howard it was crazy. They eventually stopped the machine since she wasn't getting off. She said it felt really good but she didn't have an orgasm.
Howard thanked AJ for coming in and wrapped up with her. He gave her some plugs for the web sites that she was plugging. He also thanked the Iron Sheik for coming in and Bubba as well. He had the two of them shaking hands before they went to break.
Howard had Fred dig out the song so he could hear what it was that the woman was freaking out over. Fred played the song and Howard said it's actually a good song. While Fred was playing that he played some fighting sound effects to go along with the story. Howard said he likes the song but Artie said ''Ho-mo!'' to him when he heard that. He said he wasn't going to punch him in the face or anything.
Howard said he's not a huge Coldplay fan but they do have some really good songs. He said that it reminds him of that Ann Murray song that Artie sings. Fred said he likes Artie's song better, he thinks that Coldplay is a ''wimpy U2.'' They played the Artie song and Howard said that it seems like Artie can actually sing. Robin said that's not the case but he does sell it. Artie said that the key to singing is breathing and he's not sure how singers do it.
Howard said that he saw that the doctor who gave Anna Nicole Smith her implants wants to release a video of her last surgery. It's been blocked by Howard K. Stern though. He said that it's weird that people care about her now that she's dead. No one seemed to care when she was alive.
Howard said that there's a new porn movie coming out called ''Long Dong Black Kong'' and there are some people upset that they're referring to black guys as ''black kong.'' Howard read an article about the whole thing and said that they movie company is saying that it's just a parody, the name is totally innocent. The guys talked about that and how a lot of the black on white porn movies are promoted as being ''wrong'' or ''taboo.'' Howard played some audio from one porn movie where the woman is saying the N-word as a black guy is banging her.
Sal had to come in to look at something on Howard's computer and told him that he'll be looking at another movie today called ''Big Black Beef Stretches Little Pink Meat.''
Howard read that there's this new weapon out that can make people vomit. It's a flashlight that changes wavelengths and can make people puke. He figures that Bubba will get a hold of one and use it on his show.
Howard said that someone suggested that he take over for Larry King who he thinks it might be time to hang it up. Howard wanted to thank that reporter, from the Rocky Mountain News, but he wasn't able to find his name. Howard said that maybe when he retires he'd do something like that.
Howard listened to another racist porn clip that the guys put up for him. The woman was using the N-word in that clip of course. Howard said it sounds like those guys are ripping her apart and he doesn't like that. One of the guys said that her pussy was talking or something so the guys wondered what that meant. Howard also said that no white guy could ever make that chick feel the way she does in that clip. She was moaning and screaming like crazy. Fred played some Jackie audio clips since she sounded a little bit like him yelling. Howard said he's never had to calm chicks down when he's having sex.
Richard said that he's not sure what he'd do but he wasn't going to suck Sal's cock. Richard said that he'd stick his toe in Sal's ass. Howard told him that he has to take Sal's toe but then just gave up and gave Richard the underwear.
Sal came running in and said that he was willing to give Richard a skid mark from his forehead to his chin. The guys suggested he just paint Richard's face with his cock instead. Sal said he wasn't sure he wanted to do that. Sal said that he would like to get some money so Howard asked Gary if they had any to give him. He said that they did have $500 courtesy of BeeCeuticals.
Howard told the guys to do this quickly. Sal came in with his ''paintbrush'' and some paint. Fred was laughing when he came in. Sal had some shit brown paint to use on his face. He said he was going to give him some stripes first and started to paint. Richard was getting a few pair of underwear for this while Sal was getting $500.
Sal did some painting and told Richard ''get down there faggot'' as he was doing it. Howard asked Sal to describe it as he was doing it. Robin said it looked like Sal was getting excited. Sal was just laughing and saying it felt fantastic.
Sal ended up hitting Richard in his mouth so the guys all went nuts. Artie said that it's now official, Sal's cock went in Richard's mouth. Richard had blue paint all over his teeth according to Sal. Will said that Richard looked like an Indian... ''Chief Big Fag.'' Richard said that it didn't go inside his mouth, it just hit his teeth.
The Howard TV guys replayed the clip where Sal's cock went in there and got a lot of laughs from the guys. Richard said that he's not the gay one, Sal is. Sal was the one who stuck his dick in his mouth. Howard TV replayed the clip again and got the guys laughing again.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that those guys are gay and they'd do that stuff for free if they asked them to. Another guy asked Richard to smudge his face on a piece of paper so he can frame it and hang it on his wall. Another caller said that this is rough to hear first thing on a Monday morning. Howard said that they've been up for hours so this isn't ''first thing'' for them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he messed with OJ the other day. He called into a show and asked OJ what he thinks of Howard Stern. OJ said that he used to be on the board at Infinity years ago and talked about how he used to see him once in a while. Howard said that they kicked him off the board of Infinity after he killed two people.
Howard let Richard and Sal go after that. Richard was trying to talk but Howard said it was tough to talk to him when he had cock paint all over his face. The Howard TV guys showed the clip again and paused it where Sal's cock is resting on his lip. Sal was laughing his ass off at the video. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he wanted to shake his hand and wanted to smell it after that. He told Scott that people talk about Scott like they do about Warren Beatty. Howard said that Scott was able to fly under the radar though. Howard said that he heard that he got Pam Anderson as she was getting off the bus from wherever she came from. Scott said that she was natural back then and didn't have any implants or anything. He met her at the Playboy mansion and her issue hadn't even come out yet. She was on the cover of the magazine and he just happened to meet her there.
Scott said he had walked up to the bar with his friend Steve and they saw these chicks coming in and one of the girls that walked in saw him and said that she had a dream about him. He said that was the perfect opening for someone like that.
Howard asked Scott when he first started getting laid. Scott said he was 16 but it wasn't in high school because he wasn't going to school, he was doing Happy Days at the time. Howard figured that Scott had been with thousands of women but Scott said it might be closer to one (thousand). Howard said that they're some of the most beautiful women in the world too. Gary said that even if Scott was with 100 women a year, that would bring him up to around 3000 women. Scott said he had long term relationships in those years so it probably wasn't that many.
Scott said that this has just been his life and he would have sex with fat chicks too. He said that it was all fun stuff and some of the ugly chicks were very appreciative. He said that some of the ugly chicks would suck him like they had a gun to their head.
Scott said that he did a count of the number of playmates he's been with and it was up there at about 23 or so. He said he actually got banned from the Playboy mansion after he had been with every Playmate from that one year, which was 88 or 89 according to Scott. He said he got a call from someone at the mansion and was asked to slow down a little bit. They told him he had gone too far and he'd been with some of Mr. Hefner's girls. He may have been interfering with some of those relationships.
Howard asked Scott if he had women who had heard about him and wanted to be with him just because of that. Scott told a story about going to a Playboy party and one of the butlers walked up to him and said he never really ''got'' him. The guy said he didn't know how he got so many women. He then said he gets it now and told him that he heard two women discussing him. He said that one of the girls told the other that he had to be with Scott because he can make her come a lot. Scott said that his thing is to please the women so that's the reputation he had.
Howard said that the reason he makes women come a lot is because he's a good looking guy and he's wealthy so that gets them juiced up a bit. Scott said he's good at oral so that's part of it too. He said that he really loves and enjoys doing that stuff so that's why he can get into it that much. Howard said that being with a Pam Anderson must be tough because she's so hot. Scott said that he can go forever with someone he's really into but if he's not, he's done in a second. He said he can really concentrate on a chick if he's into her.
Howard told Scott that he should write a book about this. Scott said he had an offer but there were some issues and it turned into a mess. Artie told Scott that he really likes his reality show ''Scott Baio is 45 and Single'' so he got into that a little bit. He said that he heard a story that Scott told about banging Erin Moran when they were working together on Happy Days. He talked about how he was actually banging the couch instead of Erin at the time.
Scott said that he learned early that he shouldn't shit where he eats. He said it got very awkward being with Erin when they were working together. He said that the relationship dissolved into nothingness and hatred. He said that making out with her was really tough after they broke up. He hated her by that point and she hated him so it was hard to work together.
Howard asked Scott how he handles a woman who has vaginosis, a smell down there. Scott said that he has told women that they stink down there. He said he got rude after a while and he'd just stick his hand down there and he'd get it up near their nose and if they flinched, he'd say ''Well, it ain't me.'' He said that he'd do other things if they were smelly down there.
Howard asked Scott if he was ever turned down. He said ''of course'' and said that Playmates would turn him down and things like that. He said that Jenny McCarthy once pulled some shit with him one time even though he hadn't been with her. He said he met her at a club called Bar 1 and said hello to her. He was pretty sure she was married at the time. He said she told him that she was a big fan and then he saw her out again another time. She had separated from her husband then so he asked her out. They were going to go out a few days later but she never called him back. He said the next thing he knew, she was on a radio show... probably Howard's, that he was stalking her and she couldn't get away from him. He said he didn't know what she was talking about though.
Scott said that Jenny was out at a restaurant one night so he went in and told her to never talk about him like that again because she doesn't know him. He said he never does anything like that. He said that it's all old shit and he'd like to talk to her and put it all behind them.
Howard asked Scott how long it took to get in Pam Anderson's pants. Scott said if he likes a chick, he'll wait a month or so. He said that he figured that every guy was looking to be with her so he figured that holding out a while might be the best thing to do. He said that he waited a month and a half to be with Nicolette Sherridan and she wondered why he was waiting so long when he finally asked to kiss her.
Howard said that Scott had Heather Locklear in her prime too. Scott said that she's a great chick and what you see is what you get. He said that she was his first real love of his life. He was 21 years old at the time and thought about marrying her but she turned him down. He said she was smart for doing that. Howard asked Scott about all of the different types of chicks that he's had. He named just about every race.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had sex with Tori Spelling. He said he knows her but that's never happened. Howard asked him if he's ever had a woman offer to pay him to have sex. He thought about it and said they wouldn't have to pay him.
Artie brought up this guy Johnny V who is one of Scott's best friends. He gets laid thanks to Scott and without him he can't get laid. Scott said he once heard Johnny tell a girl that if she wanted Scott, she had to go through him.
Gary said he got a call from Scott years ago after Erin Moran was on the show and yelled at him for letting her say something about him having a small penis. Howard gave Scott a plug for his TV show after that and Artie said that he really can't wait for the next episode which is very weird with him and reality shows.
Howard asked Scott what he's worth. Scott didn't say exactly what he's worth but he is a millionaire. He said he didn't stop working from the age of 14 or so. He's directed shows and things like that over the years as well.
Howard gave Scott an F, Marry Kill for Pam Anderson, Erica Elaniak and Nicole Eggert. Scott said that he would kill Erica, only because he'd have to, he'd marry Nicole and F Pam. Howard asked him if she's great in bed. Scott said that it was great because he loved her. He said that he's not into crazy stuff either. He said he just likes to make love. He said that she is good in bed. Howard asked him who was the best. He said that Heather Locklear was the best. He said that she's so adorable that you want to bite her nose off or rip her head off.
Howard threw names out to Scott and he'd give ratings for how good a lover they were. Denise Richards was a 3 according to Scott. He said that things weren't great for him. Brooke Shields he never slept with or even fooled around with. Beverly D'Angelo was a 10 according to Scott. He said that she's a great broad. He said that she was able to shut him down with one sentence. He said he was at Liza Minelli's house and he saw Beverly there. He liked her overbite and thought it was very sexy. He said that she told him that she didn't have an overbite, she had a cocksucker's mouth. Scott said he turned and walked away after that.
Howard read that Scott had been with Liza Minelli. He said that he was with her because of who she was. He said that she was about a 7 on a scale of 10 as far as being a lover. He said that she was about 49 when he did her and it was very unique. He said they were together two times and she was a dancer so she had a good body at the time. Scott said she's a fun chick and she was into it at the time. Howard wondered how he broke it off and didn't make her hate him. He said that he just told her that he'd probably slowly pull away and he wanted to let her know before that happened.
Scott said that almost all of the chicks left him because they wanted him to commit and he wouldn't do that. Howard asked him about Melissa Gilbert. Scott gave her a 10. He said that she was a great girl and he just spoke to her before he came to New York. Howard said that on one of the shows Julie McCullough claimed she had her first AIDS test because she was so afraid of all of the people Scott had been with.
Howard asked him why he turned down the movie ''Top Gun.'' Scott said he was just joking when he said that in an interview one time. He said he never turned that down. Howard asked him if he ever had a woman tell him she was pregnant with his baby. Scott said that she told him she was pregnant, 6 months after they broke up, but she was only 4 months pregnant. He said he never heard from her after he told her that she was lying.
Howard asked Scott how long he waited to get into Nicolette Sheridan's pants. Scott said she was the one with the month and a half and it was amazing. Howard told him that it's an amazing life he's had. Howard said that when you have options like that, it's no wonder he's not married. Robin wanted to know how he got back into the Playboy mansion. Scott said he had to grovel on his hands and knees.
Howard asked Scott if he ever had any gay sex. Scott quickly said ''no'' to that. Howard and Robin asked him what his family thought about this. Scott said his father loved that he was getting all of these playboy chicks and he had a subscription to the magazine and he'd ask him about each of the girls and if he knew them.
Scott said that he got Pam Anderson her job on Baywatch. He sent her picture over to the casting people and they asked to see her. Scott also said that about a year and a half into the relationship Pam came to him and told him that she was going to get her breasts done. He said that he thought she was going to get them smaller but then he found out she wanted them bigger and he knew something or someone had gotten to her. He said that she had changed at that point. Scott said that he got very jaded in his life and stopped caring about having all of these chicks that he could do. He said he would have a bunch of women in bed and he'd just go out to smoke a cigar.
Scott said that he wants to get married now so he can have a kid and just relax. He said he's physically exhausted too. He doesn't want to be the guy in the bar trying to pick up women. Howard took some phone calls after giving him another plug for his show which airs Sunday nights on VH-1.
A caller thanked Scott for being so honest and talking about this stuff unlike so many other guests. The guy also asked about Josie Davis who was on Charles in Charge with him. Scott said that she was an ugly duckling on that show and she turned out to be a very beautifu