| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
Howard started off the show talking about how he was up at 1 in the morning. He went to bed early but got up really early too. Robin asked him if he had a chess game pending or something. Howard said he was involved in a tournament thing. Beth even said something to him about how she feels she's lost him to chess. He said he only played one game but he did offer to give up the game if she thinks that it's threatening their relationship. He said she doesn't want him to do that but she does feel that he's spending too much time playing.
Howard said that there are new songs about Robin as well. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man is always working. He sent one called ''Food Masturbater'' to the tune of ''Smooth Operator.'' Robin was laughing at that as it played. Howard said there was another one about her enemas that was a little bit long. He said he cut it down because the chorus was funny. it was to the tune of Van Halen's ''Panama'' and it was called ''Coffee Enema.'' He said there was a lot going on in that one.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Van Halen and asked if he thinks they'd ever get the band to play that song parody in there. Howard said he saw a video on YouTube the other night with Van Halen playing a song and having something kind of screwed up so the synth track was sped up and Eddie had to try and catch up on it. JD came in and said that there were some discussions on the web where some people were saying that they have a keyboard player back stage and he was doing okay but it may have been that Eddie was given the wrong guitar by the guitar tech.
Howard played the clip from this North Carolina show and Eddie's guitar just sounds really bad. They were performing ''Jump'' at the time and they were down in South Carolina or somewhere like that according to what Howard knew.
Artie wondered why Eddie didn't just go to get a different guitar after the first note. The guys said that the keyboard was kind off too high pitched and Eddie may not have even heard that. Fred said that Eddie was playing all of the right shit and he was probably just so into what he was doing that he didn't know what was going on.
The caller on the line asked Howard if he and Beth were okay after he brought up the problem he had with her the other night. Howard said that they're fine, they had a great weekend together and it's all behind them now. He said that he is still willing to give up chess if she wants him to but she doesn't want him to do that. He said he spent a lot of time with her this weekend.
Howard said that he's gone from a 700 rating at the chess site to a 1600 in about a year and that's not an easy thing to do if you're not dedicated to what you're doing.
Howard played more of the Van Halen stuff and had the intro of ''Jump'' where they had a really long intro. Fred said it was off right from the beginning.
Artie said he's never seen Van Halen live before and he really wants to go see them. Howard said he saw them live one time but with Sammy Hagar. He did stay on the same floor of a hotel room in 1980 though. He said that it was the craziest night in a hotel because there were people running around trying to get their attention.
Howard said he was living in a hotel out in Detroit for a couple of months back then when he was working at a station out there. He said that he got to Detroit and they showed him how to get to the station so he got this hotel and just sat there for hours waiting to do his show. He said that he'd go to work, do his thing and then he'd go back to the hotel and just wait. He said he didn't go out and do much of anything other than eating while he waited. He said he knows that people would think that he's really out of his mind when they hear that story.
Howard said that this dawned on him during therapy that he wouldn't leave his room because he was afraid that he wouldn't do well on the show so he'd just wait until the next show. He said he would read papers and write material for the show and think about what he could do with the show to make himself better. He said he was insane.
Howard said he never thought about going out for a walk or anything like that. He said that he was locked in that prison for 20 years too. Now he's come out of that shell and he knows that there's something terribly wrong with him. He said he doesn't know how he could sit in a room like that and not do anything out in the real world.
Robin said that Howard was staying in a place when he was working at WRNW where he wasn't even allowed to talk. Howard said he just had a cot at that place and he was staying with Monks. He didn't want to get too into the details but he said he would just lay in the bed and stare at the wall until the next show.
Howard said that silence can sometimes hurt your ears. It's so quiet that it can hurt. He said that you have to get used to the silence. He said that when you passed someone in the hall you would just smile. He said that he stayed there because it was affordable. He was only making $96 a week and that place only cost him $100 a month to stay in. He had to fill his car up with gas and stuff like that so he needed some money. His father did help him out with a Shell gas card just in case he needed that but he tried not to borrow money.
Howard said that the 10th anniversary of ''Private Parts'' was this year and he knows that they shot some really good stuff that they could have put on a DVD as bonus material. He said he wishes that they had been able to include that stuff.
Artie asked if Howard knew what was out that same weekend that Howard's movie came out in 1997. Howard said it was Star Wars but that wasn't right. Artie said it was that movie ''Jungle to Jungle'' with Tim Allen that came out. Howard said they managed to beat that movie so that was nice.
Howard said that sitting inside a house not talking to anyone is a real problem and if you're like that, you should seek some help.
Howard said he and Beth went with Ross and his wife Melissa to see Bruce. He said they were sitting in the audience and Ross was singing along and text messaging people during the show. He said that he got a hold of the set list and tried to show it to Ross but Ross wanted to be surprised at what was going to be played. Gary said that Ross yelled at him for mentioning one song that they were going to play that night.
Howard said that Gary was at the show too and Ross was texting him even though he was there. Gary said that he had 40 text messages from Ross about the show. Gary said that the first text message read ''Radio Nowhere'' so he knows that's the opening song.
Howard said that he enjoyed the show even though he didn't stay too long. Gary said that Jason actually got an e-mail about work before the encore started at the show. Howard said he had gone out to dinner before the concert and got a little drunk. He said that Beth had to go pee before the show started and Ross was afraid they were going to miss the first song. Howard said he and Beth were making out at the concert so that was kind of cool to do. Artie said he did that when he was 17 and it is kind of cool.
Howard said that he ran into John Sykes who used to work at MTV when he was there at the concert. He said he also ran into Chuck Zito there so they hugged and said hello. Howard said that they patted each other on the back, not really a close hug. He said that he told Chuck that he likes his show so Chuck was saying he wants to do it more. No one bother's Chuck there at the show.
Howard said he didn't see Gary at the show even though he was there. He said he could have come to dinner with them if he wanted. Gary said he went to Little Steven's hospitality area instead. Gary said he had a good time there at the concert. Howard asked him how long he stayed there. Gary said that Howard left between the 14th and 15th songs from what he heard. There were 23 songs total. Howard said he saw enough of the concert, he didn't need to see the whole thing.
The guys talked about some of the other songs that were played that night and how Bruce does those talks before his songs. Howard said he likes seeing Bruce's wife on stage with him and the dynamic going on between them. Howard said they have a lot of guitar players up there and it's like 14 guys playing guitar at the same time. He said it's just too many guys playing guitar. Gary said there was one moment when just about everyone had a guitar, including the violin player.
Howard said he was watching Bruce and his wife and wondered if Bruce hates having his wife there with him every night. He said that those raps that Bruce does are the same every night too and it's kind of weird to hear him doing those things when you know he's reading them and doing them in every show. He said that he should be more spontaneous.
Gary said that he does some raps that can upset his fans. He was booed over some of his political stuff. Howard said he didn't seem to smell much weed when he was there but Gary said there was a ton near him.
Howard took a call from Wolf who said that he was surprise to hear that he made it so far into the concert. Gary also said that Howard made it to a Springsteen fan site that mentioned him as a notable guest there at the concert. Howard said that he had a problem with some chick standing near his seat at one point when he walked away for a short time. He said that he just wanted to sit and watch the concert. Security came and took her away though so he didn't have to worry about it for too long.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's tired of hearing about this gay Bruce Springsteen stuff and they should be talking about KISS instead. That led to the guys talking about how they don't get KISS and aren't all that into them. The caller was though. Howard hung up on him and took another call from a guy who said that Howard was bad mouthing Bruce not all that long ago saying he'd never go to see him. Robin told the guy that Howard met Bruce and that changed him a little bit. He said that he doesn't hate him, he's just not a superfan like he is about the Stones or Van Halen or bands like that.
Howard said he's the same about The Eagles. He said he'd probably enjoy them but he's not a superfan with them either. Gary said they're going to be in town soon and he has tickets so he might have to bring him along with him. He told Howard he'd be surprised at how good they are.
Artie said that he had a good time there. He said that Belzer had some good lines that night and had one about Lisa Lampanelli. He also said that the show went on for three hours so that was a little long. Gary and Artie talked about some of the good jokes that the comedians were telling up there. They said that the N-word was flowing quite a bit out there. The only black guy there was Michael Spinks and Pat threw it out there and it just kind of came flowing out for no apparent reason.
Artie said that Michael was the go-to black guy there and even he made a joke about him not having a relationship with his kids and it was apparently taboo to bring up. Gary said there was a joke that didn't go over very well and he's not sure if it was because no one knew who he was or what. Artie told the joke and Howard said that must have gone over really well.
Artie said that he made some jokes about Jeff Ross and he ended up getting some calls about it because they think he thinks that Jeff steals jokes. He doesn't really think that, he was just making a joke. Howard asked him if he likes doing those roasts. Artie said that they're fun and they've had him come back a bunch of times and they don't do that if you don't do well.
Howard said that he might be helping his parents out by letting Sour Shoes on the show like this. Gary said that he doesn't turn it into any work or anything though. He just sits on the phone playing music for them. Howard asked Sour Shoes if he's going to be out babysitting today. He said that he probably will be but he'll also be making hundreds of calls to the station today. Gary said that he calls everyone there and fills up their voice mail. He said that he can sometimes even get to the head of the company.
Sour Shoes was talking about the great meals he can get living at home with his parents and he has no reason to leave. Howard asked Sour if he's still a virgin but he was busy doing his radio announcer impression. Howard asked him again and found out that he is a virgin. Gary said that some of the interns there asked if it was okay to go out with him and he wasn't sure what to tell them because he doesn't know him so well.
Howard asked Sour some questions about what school he went to and found out it was St. Johns. Gary thought it was Columbia but he was wrong. Sour Shoes said that he didn't get chicks in college and figured he could wait a little longer to find the right person. Robin asked Howard if he thinks that Sour Shoes is gay. Howard said he doesn't think he is but Sour Shoes said that he wishes he was. Howard let him go a short time later and let him play himself off with another Bruce song.
Howard asked Chris if he got fired or something. Chris said he doesn't go on until later on so he's not working right now. Chris said that he's pretty much the only person left at the station. He said that it's his staff and that's about it. They have a morning show on, then music and then his show. Howard heard that they may put him on in the mornings there from what he's heard. Chris said that if the money is good, he'd do it.
Chris said that he used to love doing mornings in Texas because he had time to work on his show. These days he works in the afternoon and it's tough to stay up too late. Howard let Chris go and mentioned that he's on WYSP, his old affiliate station, in Philly.
Artie said that there was some dead silence during the Pat Cooper roast when one of these female comedians was up on stage. She was bombing but she just kept going and going even though it was 15 minutes of silence. He said that this woman was doing something like a documentary up there. She was digging this hole and there were only three people left to go after her. Howard said it sounds like there were too many people on the show.
Howard heard that Artie may have taken Subutex before the show that night. He had the white stuff on his lips. Artie said that he did take it but he wasn't trying to hide it or anything. He said he like show they tell on him there like he was doing something wrong.
Artie said that he has to let these Subutex pills dissolve in his mouth, you can't drink water with it. The white gets all over your lips when you do that. He said that he took the pill in the car on the way over there. He had taken it just 10 minutes before he saw Will and they weren't white up on stage.
Will came in and apologized to Artie if he offended him. Artie said he's not upset about it, he just never denied ever taking the stuff or anything like that. Will said he was just telling Howard some funny stuff about what went on over there.
Howard said that he had to take a break because they had gone an hour and 19 minutes without a break. He had a bunch of stuff to get to after the break.
Howard said that he had this woman on the phone who claims she beat off to Artie. He read through the letter that she wrote to them and she says she's 43. Artie heard that and thanked her for calling in and seemed to want Howard to hang up on her.
Howard asked the woman what she does when she thinks about Artie. She said that she thinks about him doing stuff to her in a restaurant. She said that she'll run the shower head over her vagine when she thinks about this stuff. She said that she'll also watch him on TV and pull out her power toys to help her out. Artie asked if he's the best she can get in her fantasies. She said that she used to think about Tony Soprano too.
The woman, Lisa, said that she'd like to stop by and get a hug from Artie so she can go another 4 years. Artie said that he'd do that no problem as long as she doesn't look like him in a wig. She said that she's about 150 pounds and about 5'7'' tall. Howard said that sounds a little bit dumpy. She said she's working on that. Howard wanted to bring her in anyway so he put her on hold and told him to arrange that.
Howard replayed the ''Food Masturbater'' song that he'd played earlier in the show. He said the chick they had singing was really good too.
Howard said he was reading a story about this senator Bob Kerry who was asked if he would do Imus' show again when he goes back on the air. He said that he would do the show and he encourages other democrats to do the same because they can't evaluate everything that these guys do. Howard said that he was thinking about how these guys do Larry King's show and they don't have a problem with him having 8 wives even though they're all against divorce.
Howard said that one of the guys in the movie says that they should have thought about this years ago. Robin said she heard that there were only 20 people in that town they went to. Howard said that's not the case but he didn't want to spoil anything for her. He said that the movie was good and he could arrange for her to see it if she wants.
Fred played some of LeAnn's music for the guys. Howard likes the song where she's warbles her voice. Fred threw in some old Tarzan yells since they sounded kind of similar.
Howard said he was hoping that someone would pick up on what this Ellen Degeneres is doing with these dogs she's been adopting. There are some stories in the paper about her adopting other dogs and giving them away to other people. In the article they say that Howard was the one who was saying that he heard that she may have done that up to 9 times. The guy they interviewed said that he soon realized that Ellen is neurotic and out of her mind. Ellen kept the dog at her home for a few nights to see if it would get along with her and her pets. She decided to keep the pet but gave it up.
Howard said he had a clip from Inside Edition where they claim that they Ellen has adopted other dogs and returned them to the pet adoption agencies that they've been to. They named a few other dogs and then played some audio from Howard's show where he was talking about how this seems to be a pattern for her.
Howard said that they named 5 dogs in that one report and you'd think that if it happened to you maybe 2 times, you'd give up. He said that after the second time he'd give up on trying to get a dog if it were him. He said that if you want to give her a free pass, maybe you'd give her three dogs. Now she's gone for four and then five dogs so he thinks that she should be neutered and/or spayed herself.
Robin said she had a dog for a while but she only lasted about a year with it. She got rid of the dog and didn't try to adopt another one. Howard said there are places that you can volunteer to go to help out with dogs instead of adopting them and giving them back or giving them away to other people. Howard and Robin talked about how cats can live with anyone, even nuts. Howard said they're much easier to deal with.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up show where Gregg talks about Robin joking around with him about asking her out and he feels like she's serious about it. Robin said she's just joking so Howard told her that maybe she should just sit him down and tell him what she really wants.
Gregg came into the studio to talk about this and Robin said she doesn't know what anyone is talking about. Howard then played a clip of her talking to Gregg out in the hall and telling him that she's waiting for him to ask her out.
Gregg said that he would bang Robin but he's not sure if she's just joking around with him. Robin said that she wasn't looking to get banged by him and she's just joking around out in the hall. Howard said that if they do have sex, there can't be any repercussions there. He said that she can't get him fired or anything. Robin said that it's fun flirting with Gregg but that's all it is.
Fred was doing his Jim Florentine impression asking what was going on there. Gregg said that he wouldn't want to step on any toes with Jim so he didn't want to go out with her if Jim is going out with her. Howard told Gregg that Robin would laugh at him if he didn't perform well with her. Gregg said he's not afraid of that, he can perform just fine.
Robin said that she was just playing around with him and this isn't going to happen. Fred, as Jim, suggested that they have Gregg in the back and him in the front. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Robin was talking to Gregg last week and she ''reacted''' to him with her headlights on. She may have been turned on a little bit by him. The guys saw the video shot of her with her headlights on and seemed to be a little surprised by that.
Gary asked Robin if she met Gregg somewhere else, would she go out with him. She said that she'd have no problem with that. She then said that she was trying to get Gregg a date with Lisa. Howard said he doesn't see it and doesn't get why they're into this guy. He said he's a nice looking guy but can't see what all the fuss is about. Lisa said that he's cute but he's too young for her. Robin said she's got no age limitations herself.
Howard asked Gregg who he wanted more, Robin or Lisa. Gregg said that it would be Robin at this point. He said he wouldn't mind moving in and becoming her pool boy or something. Howard said that he could be Robin's Boober, who was Liberace's driver who moved into his house.
Isaac from Howard TV came in and said that Robin really is downplaying this and there's always a lot of sexual tension between her and Gregg out in the hall. Howard played another clip where Gregg was talking to her and Robin was talking in her ''love voice'' that Howard recognized. He said that you could cut that with a knife and it's obvious that Robin is so into him. He continued playing the clip where Gregg said that he was being played by her for this thing with Jim. Robin said she's just playing with Gregg.
Howard got into some of the mail he got about Lisa G and read through that. Some fans said that just getting a whiff from between her thighs would be like walking through a field of sugar cane. Another one said that Lisa seems like a tight ass who never gets laid. They said that Artie needs to lay her down and bang her good. Artie said that he can't give her an orgasm but he'd probably finish a couple of times.
Lisa got into her news and said that they spoke to a fashion editor over at US magazine and got some suggestions for Robin. As she was talking about that Sal came in and said that he had a theory about why Lisa doesn't get laid. He said that he thinks that she has a mangled pussy. He said that she's a good looking girl and there's no other explanation. Howard told him to get out of there but then called him back in and played his voice mail from last week where he said he thought he might have ''an ammonia.'' Sal said he thought he had said it right but Howard played the clip and he didn't get it right. Sal said that he's always heard it as ammonia. Howard asked him to spell pneumonia so Sal spelled it ''neumonia.'' Howard said that Sal makes these comment about people based on nothing. He kicked him out of there after that.
Howard saw a picture of Beth from the Springsteen concert that was posted over at SternFanNetwork.com. Lisa had mentioned that earlier and said that she saw what Beth was wearing at the concert that night.
Lisa talked about some more stories they'll have today. They have one report about Richard flying around the country to these haunted houses and a fan sitting behind him has a report about how much he was drinking on the flight. Howard got a note about Richard and how he started drinking at 8am each day this weekend. Howard asked Artie if that's a problem. Artie said he thinks that they're two full blown alcoholics and they're going to have issues down the road.
Richard came in and said that he knows this but it's mostly him who's drinking. He said his girlfriend doesn't really drink as much as he does. He said that they were on vacation down in New Orleans and they had to do what you do on vacation and had some great mammosas at this place they were staying at. Richard was also saying that you can drink down in New Orleans anywhere you want to out on the street. Richard said that he doesn't get tired of doing it either.
Howard asked Richard if he could give up drinking for a year. Richard said he could but he won't because he has no motivation. He also said that it's the holiday season now and he can't stop drinking because of that. The guys were trying to convince Richard that it's not healthy to do this stuff so much. Richard said he's the one who does all of the drinking and his girlfriend doesn't do it as much as he does. Howard said that was enough of an intervention for him and let him go.
Howard said he had to go to break after that so he can talk to Crazy Alice who was there waiting to come in. Artie said that he had told her that he'd take her to the World Series if the Yankees had gotten into it. That's kind of how that whole thing came about.
Howard said that maybe he should talk to Crazy Alice first and then play some of the Gary Garver interview stuff. He said that Garver went to a charity event and talked to Michael Douglas and really annoyed him and his father Kirk. Howard said that people get annoyed at the silliest things. He said that Janet Jackson was out promoting this new movie that was directed by Tyler Perry. She was on in Sacramento and the reporter asked her about the Super Bowl incident. She refused to answer the question like she was a Nobel prize winner or something. He said that she acted like she was the Queen of England.
Howard played the clip where the anchorman apologizes for what he did. He took full responsibility and called himself a jerk for doing what he did. He said her fans all called him out on it and he apologized for bringing up the question. He said you hear that and think the guy must have been a real asshole but then you hear his innocuous comment to her during this interview. He just said something about the Super Bowl and then asked her what she thinks about the incident at the Super Bowl. The director kept trying to change subjects and Janet sounded like she had no idea what the guy was talking about. Howard said that she sits there like she was a the Queen of England and won't answer anything about this huge story that she was involved with. Howard said that she could have come up with a simple answer instead of ignoring it. He said that there's something wrong with people in this country. She came off as a bore and a half in that interview.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever apologized for a joke he's told. Howard said that he hasn't. He said that Janet should have just said something instead of letting that director guy answer for her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his wife is one of those people who said ''ammonia'' like Sal did. He said that maybe he just didn't have anyone in the family who could correct him.
Alice said she had to spit out something she was sucking on. She said that she knows that she looks like a run down truck even though Robin was telling her she looked great. Alice said that she flew out yesterday and that went smooth right up until she got to the hotel. She said that they didn't have anything set up and ready for her at the hotel. She just wanted to go to her room and she had to sit around for an hour waiting for them to set her up. Howard said he's had the same problems in the past when he's gone on vacation.
Howard asked Alice if she's doing okay because he worries about her. She said that she has some disabilities and stuff. She has problems with big words and stuff. She said that she just wanted to see her Artie, Benjy and Fred today. Fred had disappeared so Alice went off on him but just joking around. Alice said that she wanted to look at their cute faces but Howard keeps them blocked so he doesn't have to look at them.
Howard said that Alice had a tough childhood. She's a light skinned black woman and claims that she's half Italian. She told Howard that he's not half-Jewish either. Alice said that she also has some Cherokee Indian in her. She went on to say that her father was an asshole and her mother was a drunk. She said that her father must have come from a rough childhood himself and he carried that along with him.
Alice said that she never did dislike Artie so when they were arguing on the phone they were just doing that for the show. Howard asked Alice if she's really poor. She said that she's on disability so she doesn't have a job. She said that she's done some jobs now and then but it doesn't pay much. She didn't want to get into that whole thing because it would take all day to do it.
Howard asked Alice about the disability payments and how she gets them. He said she seems to be a healthy woman. She said that she has a disability and she wasn't even able to finish high school. Howard said she's not dumb though. She must be able to work at some type of job. Alice said that she's on medication for depression so that might be the disability. She wasn't sure exactly what it was though.
Howard asked Alice about growing up in Birmingham, Alabama. She said that the other black kids (she described them as N-words) there didn't like her. She said that she used to get into fights over the color of her skin. She said that dark skinned blacks were even more racist toward her than white people are toward blacks. She said she used to be called ''dago'' and things like that. She said that she knows who she is and she's not going to deny where she comes from.
Alice said that she was a pretty girl when she was young. She didn't start having sex until she got married at 22. She has a son too and Howard said that he didn't know she had a kid. She said that he's a good kid and she's not sure how that happened because she's not that good. She said that she raised him in a mixed neighborhood and she was able to do that because she and her sister were combining their money together. She said that they were both on SSI so they combined that and were able to afford a decent home.
Howard asked Alice about her husband and what went on there. She said that he was an asshole and said ''fuck him to hell.'' She said that he came up with her to the studio back in 1997 and she remembers Howard wanting to beat the crap out of him. She said that he used to man handle her but she wasn't beaten or anything like that. She said that he was the only man she ever had sex with too.
Howard said that when Alice got divorced she had to move out and go out on her own. She said that her son is actually mildly retarded and she had to put him in a group home. She said she calls him a couple times a day and visits him every week. She said that it's been a tough life for her.
Alice said she used to have a great face but when she had to go through all of this shit, she started eating a lot and blew up. She said that she doesn't disrespect anyone who is overweight. She said she just wants some company and asked Artie out to lunch. Artie said that he'd take her out to lunch no problem.
Howard asked Alice about living in this mixed neighborhood and she said that it had everyone from Hispanics to blacks and crackheads. She said she now lives in a black community and she's still taunted by the Hispanics. She said that people are just mean for no fuckin' reason and they'll find something to talk about even if you look pretty normal. She said they'll start talking to her in Spanish thinking she's Hispanic and she'll go off on them yelling at them about mistaking her for that.
Howard asked Alice if men ever did anything in appropriate to her when she was little. She said that they didn't but they would throw rocks at her.
Howard took some calls for Alice. One guy said that they should give her a show of her own there on SIRIUS. She said she'd love that. She said that she'd do anything they want her to do there. Howard said she had the right attitude to do that stuff. Howard tried to take another call but Alice wouldn't let the guy get in a word. She told Howard to cut off the fuckin' radio as that guy was trying to say something about her.
Alice went on to defend Artie and told people to stay away from him and leave him alone. She said that if you don't like him, they should stay away from his weight. Howard was included in that group. Alice was still yelling at the caller who wasn't able to get much of anything out.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Alice about her sister who died. Alice told the guy to get off the fuckin' phone and talked a little bit about her sister having cancer and passing away. She said that her sister was the silent type and she was really nice to her so it was a great loss in her life.
Alice was going off on the caller, which was Bobo, who had just asked a simple question. Howard asked Alice why she snaps so quick with people like that. Alice was goofing on his bald head an calling him ugly like a lizard. She said that she looks better than him. Howard said that he sees now that she's not crazy, she's just got a heart that hurts. She should be called Heart-is-Hurting Alice instead.
Ralph called in and said that Alice is a drain on society by collecting disability. She wouldn't let him get a word in and kept talking over him. She told him to go suck on a dick and get off the phone. King of All Blacks called in next and said that he doesn't like people talking to her that way. Howard didn't think that he was being rude himself. King went on to ask Alice if she wanted to go out to dinner with him. Alice said that she doesn't go out with married guys. King said that he's having problems with his wife though so it wouldn't be a problem. Howard said he didn't think he was being sincere and hung up on him.
Howard had some Crazy Alice prank calls that the guys have made using clips of her voice. He played one where they called a woman and had Alice asking her ''Who's dis?'' Alice went off on the woman in that call after Howard played it. Howard said he had to lower her microphone during the call because she was yelling at the call while it was playing. Howard played a second clip where Sal and Richard called a modeling agency and tried to set her up with them. They had Alice asking ''Who's dis?'' and a few other things.
Howard wanted to play another Alice call but he wasn't able to find it on his computer. Howard told Alice that she should come back and do a show on Howard 101 sometime. She said that she'd do that. She also said that she loves guys like Riley, Big Foot and Fred the Elephant Boy. Alice is going to be on the Wack Pack Town Meeting tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Alice said she doesn't like being part of that Wack Pack, she doesn't think that she is part of that.
Sal found the prank call that they were looking for and Howard played that as they were wrapping up. In this call they had a guy on the line who played along with the clips and said something about ''ni**er loves sweetening...'' a couple of times during that call. Howard asked Alice if she knows what he was talking about. She said she didn't have any idea.
Howard took a couple more calls, including one from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she wants to hook up with her while she's out there in the area. Artie told Alice that she should go see Jersey Boys while she's in town. She asked Artie to just take her across the street to the Yankees store and let her buy something. Artie said he'd do that. He said there's nothing like buying an $85 Yankees mug for someone. Howard went to break as they were playing a Crazy Alice song parody.
Howard said he's been listening to last week's Wrap Up Show and they were talking about the awkwardness of Robin dating Jim Florentine. Gary asked if it was going to be awkward if they broke up and Jim was coming in for an interview. Artie said that they'll be picking at Jim like a jackal if they find out that he banged Robin. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that subject that day.
Howard asked Robin what might happen if Robin and Jim did sleep together. She apparently made a face when Howard mentioned that and he figures that means that she's never going to do that. She said she gives that face whenever Howard brings it up. She said that she hopes that no one would ever get banned from the show or anything like that. Howard said that Jimmy is a guest on the show and it's not the same as having someone like Artie's ex-girlfriend Dana come in.
Artie said he's had people ask him if he thinks that Jim is going out with Robin to be more famous. He said that Jim isn't like that and he's not looking for something like that. He's different, he's not a ''Hollywood'' guy.
Howard said he thinks that Robin could stop Jim from coming back on the show if they had a bad breakup or something. Robin said that she tries to explain things like that to anyone involved because you never know how things are working out. Robin said that she would announce it there if she didn't want him on the show. Howard wondered what he'd have to do to get banned from the show. She wasn't sure so Howard threw out some hypothetical situations. He said that maybe if Jim cheated on her or something. Or maybe Jim has a bad smell about him that she doesn't like and can't handle. Then he calls a couple of times and asks her out and she tries to let him down easy. Then he calls the show to do an appearance. He wondered if Robin would stop him from coming in. She said she wouldn't do that for something like that. She wouldn't be afraid of a confrontation on the show.
Artie said he tuned into the Wrap Up Show last week and heard Benjy talking about something and it was the closets feeling to euphoria he'd ever had. Benjy said that it was a woman who rubbed her finger on his taint, on the outside, during sex and it was a great feeling that lasted for days after.
Howard had some more audio clips from the Wrap Up Show where the guys were talking about Robin dating Jim and Fred says that she's given him some looks lately that make him feel like he's doing something wrong when he does the Jim impression.
Robin said that she's never been on this end of the wall of shit that falls on someone when they're going through something like this. She said she's not used to things like this. Howard asked her if she thinks that she or Jim have stronger feelings for each other. Robin said that they're probably about even at this time. Howard said that sounds very romantic to him.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that Robin looked really good on Howard TV last week. He said she was being all coy-like when she was answering questions. He said that Jim has to worry about his career and worry about Robin giving him a second chance.
Robin said that she thinks that Joan Rivers should come in here and kiss Howard's feet because most of the audience at her show seemed to be fans of his. Howard said he heard that Ronnie had admitted to liking stuff up his ass. Richard came in and said that they talked about that one time and Ronnie admitted to liking stuff up his ass. Ronnie came in and asked him what the fuck he was talking about. He said he doesn't remember ever admitting to something like that. Ronnie said he may have had a finger up there but that's it. He didn't remember the count for the number of times it's happened. Will came in and backed up Richard's story and he remembered him saying ''fingers'' not just one finger.
Artie said that this is the greatest thing ever. Howard explained how they have a hot chick hosting on Howard TV each month to talk about what they have coming up. Howard asked her if she just graduated high school. She's in college but going to the College of Staten Island. Artie pulled out his check book and got ready to offer her some money. She said that she was told to hold out for $50,000.
Laura said that she's studying to be a nurse but she's also trying to get into Playboy. She had a tattoo on her back that she got when she was 15 years old. She said that they just asked her how old she was when she came in an she told them that she was 18.
Laura said that she's got a boyfriend right now but she gets hit on by other girls a lot too. She said that she's thought about doing stuff with girls but all she's done is make out with other girls. She said she's felt their breasts too but nothing else. She said it wasn't so horrible. She lost her virginity at 15.
Howard asked Laura how she got such a good body. She said she used to do gymnastics and stuff. Artie said that he's right on the verge of getting on a diet and losing weight. He said that he should look incredible in about a month so he told her to get in on it early.
Howard found out that Laura used to be a cheerleader so Howard asked her what her favorite cheer was. She said she didn't remember any of the cheers. Howard asked what kind of cheerleader she was if she can't remember them. She said she could show the guys how she can put her leg behind her head while standing there. She did that quickly after Artie asked if she needed a spotter.
Howard asked to meet this manager she was with. Howard asked Maria, the manager, about what she does for this girl. She said that she started getting her modeling work after she contacted her through her web site. She helps her get work doing stuff for catalogs and stuff like that. She's also trying to get her into Playboy as well. They're flying her out to L.A. To do some test shots. Artie said that he just did a Playboy shoot for an article that's coming out in Playboy soon.
Howard asked who the other chick was with Maria. She's Maria's sister Laura (another Laura). Howard spent a few seconds talking to her. Artie bragged about his upcoming article in Playboy and said it should be a huge spread in the January issue of the magazine.
Gary told Howard about the stuff that Artie has been doing and how he's got a commercial on TV now for the big comedy show he's doing. None of this was working on the girls though. Howard let them go a short time later and told Artie that he really should lose weight already so the girls will find him attractive again. Artie said that he really should.
Artie said that there was a solid B-list celebrity at the roast the other night and got his number. He said that the guy told him that he felt he was looking at a different person and told him that he was worried about him being in this condition he's in. That guy is going to a fat camp at the end of December and he was begging him to go with him. This guy said he thinks that he needs professional help. Artie said the guy wants to remain anonymous so he can't say who it was.
Artie said he has considered getting some help and he might just go through with it and go to this thing. Howard wondered who this was an asked if it was Jackie Mason or someone like that. Artie said he really can't say. He said this guy listens to the show and knows how they do stuff there. Artie said that he'll keep them informed about it.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Crazy Alice's visit today. They'll also be talking about Robin and Jim Florentine's relationship discussion they had earlier. They'll have a couple of other things as well.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played Mike Morse's ''Bonin' Robin Quivers'' song parody. She was about to start her news but Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie if he thinks that Teddy has gotten that hot chick's number yet. Artie said he doesn't bug people who work with them so he won't try to get her number.
Robin started her news with a story about Bill Maher helping eject a heckler from his audience one night. Artie said that he'd love to see someone beat the shit out of Maher. He went off on him being such an arrogant guy. Howard played some audio from the show where Maher went out to the audience to help kick a guy out and then a woman starts in on him and he threatens to kick her out too. There were a bunch of people in the audience booing him over some of the stuff he was saying.
Howard said that was the best thing that could have happened to that show. He said he was snoozing before that part came up. Artie said that he actually loves Maher and thinks that he had every right to kick that guy out of there. Howard said he used to have hecklers when they did shows at Club Bene and he used to have them kicked out because he's no comedian that has a comeback.
The guys spent some time talking about hecklers and then Howard went to break. During the break he said he had someone on the phone who said that there may be nude pictures of Miss Howard TV out there. Howard said that wouldn't be surprising because she does want to be in Playboy. After the commercial Howard got the guy on the phone who claimed to know that there are naked pictures of Laura out there. Howard asked the guys to bring Laura back in. She claims that it wasn't her that this guy was talking about. The guy had said that there were pictures of a high school girl naked that were making the rounds.
Howard asked Laura who she's dating. She said that he's actually still in school. Howard said that she's like a pedophile. He asked her if there are any nude pictures floating around out there. She said ''I hope not...'' Howard let her go after that and told Artie that if he had her, he'd have no problems anymore. Artie said that would be true for maybe a few minutes. All of his problems would be gone for that few minutes.
Robin brought up Joe Torre and how he's leaving the Yankees. Artie had a few things to say about that. He said that they have to hire someone in the Yankee family to take over for him, otherwise the person will get booed off the field.
Robin read through some more stories and got to one story about Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern. Artie had seen some coverage of that story and told Robin and Howard about this 9 year old girl who had seen Howard K. Stern give Anna a pill that just about knocked her out and made her incoherent.
Robin read through some more stories and talked about some people who are thinking of running for President. The guys spent some time on that subject. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show saying he had a lot to get to today and then tried to go to a phone call. The guy wasn't there so Howard read a story in the news about a guy who was being sued a woman who he'd banged when she was 16. It turns out the woman was actually a dude. Howard read through the article where it says that she had engaged in bizarre sexual acts at the age of 16. She has been living as a girl since she was 12 and has had some operations and has been taking hormones to help with the sex change.
The woman is 23 years old now but describes herself as a 17 year old. Howard said that it appears that she's all about lying and maybe she never told this guy that she was underage and a boy. Gary said he doesn't get how a guy could mistake a guy for a girl if she still has a penis. They spent a few minutes talking about the case and wondered how he couldn't know that this girl was actually a boy. Howard said that he's really confused by that story.
Howard read something about Imus in the paper too and said that he looks like he may have gotten that face of his pulled back a bit or something. He was also reading a story about Halle Berry being on the Tonight Show and holding up a picture of herself that had been stretched out in one of those editing programs and she showed it on the show saying that her friends think that this one picture makes her look like a Jewish cousin. They ended up editing out the comment from the show after she had second thoughts on her dopey comment. Howard read that Halle was in tears after making those comments. He said that seems to be her thing these days.
Howard played some audio from Dancing with the Stars where Marie passes out. She was breathing really heavy as the host of the show was talking to her and all of a sudden she just tumbles to the floor. They quickly go to commercial break when that happens. Howard said that her eyes fluttered into the back of her head and then she just passes out. The Howard TV guys put the video up on the monitors but Howard asked them not to do that without telling him they're going to do that stuff.
Howard said that he thought Marie had died so he and Beth rewound the clip 3 times to watch it. He then played the audio of her coming back after the commercial break and explaining what had happened. She was joking about how she really was ''sleeping beauty.'' She said that this kind of stuff happens to her when she stops breathing.
Howard explained how Marie had been jumping up and down after her dance like she was some kind of athlete. He thinks that's what did her in.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about one of the hot chicks on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said that he wouldn't blame her dancing partner for cheating on his wife to sleep with her. The caller told Artie he has to check out the show, it'll give him motivation to rub one out. Artie told him he doesn't need much motivation. The caller was also saying that he loved Crazy Alice on the show yesterday. He thought she was great on the show and Robin said she was great on the Wrap Up Show too.
Howard took another call from a guy who thought that Alice was great on the show too. He said that he was watching High Pitch Eric on Howard TV and thought that show was pretty disgusting when he was having the edible panties eaten off of him.
Another caller said that Alice has moved ahead of the other wack packers on his list of favorites. Howard said that she was on the Wack Pack Town Meeting last night and he'll be playing some clips of that. Another caller told Howard about how they're on fire out there in California. There are a lot of homes in Malibu that are at risk of being burned. Howard said that he has some friends out there and it shows that everyone is at risk when it comes to stuff like that.
A caller said that his morning was ruined this morning after he heard them talking about that man/woman earlier. He said he had beat off to her a couple of weeks ago and now he finds out she's a dude.
Howard played some clips from The Wrap up Show where Alice was talking about some people who she doesn't respect on the show. She was saying that Eric the Actor Midget doesn't respect the show. She also went off on High Pitch Eric a little bit about his disrespect for the show. Alice also said that she thinks that Artie takes the show for granted and told him he shouldn't sleep on the show the way he does.
Howard said Alice is right about Artie falling asleep and it really is disrespectful to do something like that on the show. He said that Alice makes some really good points. He played another clip where Alice talks about wanting to go to the Empire State Building. Artie offered to bring her up there either today or tomorrow. Gary told him that it'll cost them about $50 each to go up there with an express ticket.
Artie wants to bring her over to the Yankee store too but the merchandise in there is really expensive. She wants a Yankees jersey over there and Howard said they cost about $350! Howard said that you pay that much to walk around looking like an idiot. He asked ''Who wants to walk around in a Yankees jersey?'' and Artie said that he used to have one.
Howard was going to play a clip where they were talking about how Robin would probably go out with Gregg Karmel from Howard TV. Howard said that she would but Robin said she absolutely would not go out on a date with him. Howard insisted that she would go on a date with him and she's just saying that she wouldn't.
Howard said he was reading about the enemas that Robin takes and how a woman down in Texas had given her husband a Sherry enema that killed him. He had a blood alcohol level of .47 percent. They weren't sure if she had done it on purpose or not but they're apparently not charging her with anything.
Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where he talks about why he doesn't smoke pot. He doesn't want to change his personality by doing that so he avoids drugs all together. He has no problem getting smashed while drinking though. Richard said he's afraid that if he took acid he'd lose his ability to come up with jokes and stuff.
Howard said that Beth told him that she was going to take a bath so he played some more chess and the same thing happened this time that happened last. She called him from the other room and he said he was playing chess. He didn't think that they were having a sex thing going on though. He said that they were really tired after watching TV and just went to sleep last night.
Howard said Beth told him this morning that she had a sexy piece of lingerie on last night but took it off because he was playing chess. He said that he had no idea that she was doing something like that and didn't know that she wanted him last night. She's going away for two days and just told him this when he was leaving this morning. He said he got pissed when he heard that and said he asked her what the fuck she's doing. Robin told Howard this is why what he did last week was so wrong. She told him not to tell him that he's playing a chess game. She told him that he should tell her that he's waiting for her.
Artie told Howard that he's still paying for what happened last week. Beth is probably just trying to play mind games with him. Fred said that he's with Artie on that one. He said it's like she wants him to read her mind or something.
Howard said that Beth goes to do stuff on her own a bunch of times a day and he uses that time to do his own thing. He said he was playing a few chess games and didn't even play against a live person. He played against the computer so he could bail out after her bath so they could watch TV. He said that she asks him what he's doing after she does her thing and he doesn't know if she's looking for sex or something.
Howard said that he finished up his chess game and she had her pajamas on. They watched some TV and even brought in a rubber just in case they were going to do it. They both said they were too tired to do anything last night though so they never did. He said that she told him about the sexy lingerie this morning and wondered why she'd tell him that. He wondered what he had done wrong and how he was supposed to know that she was in that lingerie. He said he's not a mind reader. Fred said that Howard was wrong last week but this week he's right. He said that the only thing he could have done was ask Beth if they were planning to fuck. Robin said that Howard is wrong and he should have dropped the game and gone right into the room where Beth was calling him from.
Howard said that he has a way of walking in and putting his penis on Beth's chair and she tells him that she's busy and doesn't want to do it then. Robin said that last week is still happening for Beth so that's one problem. Artie agreed with that and thinks that she's right. Fred said that this is all a game and that was a test to see if Howard had learned his lesson from last week. Robin didn't think that was the case. She thinks that Beth was hurt last week and testing the waters again with Howard before she appears in the lingerie.
The caller asked Howard about the movie premieres that Beth goes to without him and wondered if she ever goes with people she doesn't tell him about. Howard said that she always goes with her friend Melissa. He said if she did do something like that, he can play the same game and take some of his female friends out to events. He said that he doesn't want to do anything like that but he can play that game if he has to.
Howard said that his mind is so fucked up that he would have a laundry list of girls he could take to events if Beth feels like she has to start taking guy friends to movie premieres and stuff. Fred said that his wife can have gay male friends but he won't let it happen if they're straight friends. He said he won't let that happen. Howard said that before Fred lets his wife go out with guys, he fucks them first to make sure they're gay. Fred went along with the joke and said that he does that so he can have something on the guys just in case they're not gay.
Jessica Hahn called in and talked to Howard about the lingerie that Beth had on and why he wasn't messing around with her in bed while they were watching TV. Howard said he didn't know, they were just watching TV. He said that she takes baths all the time and it wasn't something that would have clued him into what was going to happen.
Artie said that it's amazing how obsessed he is with chess. He said that was the big story there. Howard explained what he did all day yesterday. He got done with the show and went out for a run so he can try and look okay even with that bird face of his. He said he went to the shrink after that so he can try to get his fucked up head in line. Then he had some meetings after that and they went until 5 o'clock. Then he ate dinner and had another meeting after that. He said he ran to the computer to do some stuff for the show. He tried to play some chess in there too but didn't have time. Artie said that he's not devoting much time to Beth though. Howard said that he and Beth were together at the meeting though.
Howard said he went through a lot of work stuff and didn't even have time to play chess during the day. Jessica told Howard that she and her boyfriend, Ronnie, have a way of letting each other know when they're going to do stuff like this. Howard said that he and Beth also watched their favorite TV show, ''Tell Me You Love Me'' before he got in a chess game. Robin pointed out that Howard said that every time they watch that show they bang. Howard said that she's just being a ball buster today. He doesn't want to talk about this stuff.
Howard said that he didn't really get pissed about the whole thing. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do while she's in the bathtub, just sit there? He said he was trying to do some stuff before she came out. He didn't even stay on that long after she came out of the bath. He told Robin she's no help in all of this. She told him that he's missing a lot of signals from Beth.
Robin told Howard that when he starts with a girl, they're his chess game. He said he's not that obsessed with chess. He said that he and Beth are suctioned to each other 24 hours a day during the weekends. They go out to romantic dinners and walk in the park together, stuff like that. He said that he's her number 1 and she's his number 1 thing. He said that he's not going to be a boring guy with no interests.
Howard said he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. He'd rather talk about Marie Osmond passing out or about Artie's Subutex. Howard wondered what would happen if he did take one. Artie said he'd probably get a little high. He said that he might have to give it a try. Artie said he can't legally give him one on the air. Howard said he can't really take one because it wasn't prescribed for him. He figured he'd go into cardiac arrest if he did take one. He's really paranoid about letting stuff like that get into his blood.
Artie talked about his Subutex use and how he doesn't think that he's addicted to it because he doesn't have to take it every day. He said that he does have to use it in high stress situations though. He took some before he went to the Pat Cooper roast last week. He said it blocks the withdrawal effects of heroin and can stop his craving for the stuff too. Artie said that the stuff was amazing when he took it for the first time when he was trying to get off of heroin. He said that you just ache when you're getting off the stuff and this pill took all of that away.
Artie said that he's addicted to watching withdrawal scenes in movies. He showed Howard his pill bottle that was for a month and he hadn't even used half of it yet. Howard laughed an congratulated him on that.
Howard took a call from Wheels who said that he wants to hear Beth's side of the story. He said that Howard twisted that story around last week so he'd love to hear her side this time. Wheels was also asking about the other TV shows that Howard watches like The Bachelor and Heroes. They spent a minute on that.
Bobo asked Howard if he's supposed to just sit there with his hands folded waiting for Beth to come out of the bathroom. Howard said he's learned his lesson and he knows he would give up on the chess if she came in naked or something.
Another caller told Howard that Beth has to give him a break with this stuff. That led to them saying that even President Clinton found time to bang chicks when he was working. That led to Artie talking about how some ex-interns came by yesterday when he was hanging out there and he was wondering if he could date the hot chicks since they don't work there anymore. He said he had to check the rule book on that one.
Howard said he knows that he's going to have to beat off tonight and he'll be watching porn to do that. He said it's kind of sad that he has to do that. Benjy asked Howard if he has any idea what was going through Beth's head last night. Howard said he knows nothing and has realized that he knows jack shit about everything. He said he doesn't have any answers. He said that it's true wisdom when you realize you don't really know anything. No one wants to listen to him no matter how much he talks.
Robin told Howard that all of the stuff he has to tell people would only make his world better, not everyone else's. Howard said that it would be a utopia if people just listened to what he has to say. He said he had to go to break but played the new song parody ''Food Masturbator'' which was about Robin. He said he was singing that all day long yesterday. Robin said she gets that Red Peters song ''You Can't Say These Things'' stuck in her head.
Howard played a new High Pitch Eric song parody where he's covering Britney Spears' latest song. He mentioned that Nick Manning, the ''Dropping Loads'' guy, will be on the show tomorrow. He played a song parody that they created using some of his clips. Fred also played Red Peters' ''You Can't Say These Things'' song after that. Artie said he remembers seeing Red reading his sleeves at the film festival when he was performing that song. Howard said he remembers trying to play that song on regular radio with all of the words bleeped and they couldn't even play that because it was too explicit.
Howard said it really was funny that Red came out to sing that song and had the lyrics written on his sleeve. Artie said that he remembers being back stage with Red and Red having a look of terror on his face before he went out on stage. Howard said he could have gotten him a teleprompter if he had asked for one. He said it worked out though even though everyone knew he was reading the lyrics off his sleeve. They went to commercial a short time after that.
Artie told Lisa that she might have a story there about the vending machine being broken. He said he tried to get some cookies out of the machine and it wouldn't take his dollar. Gary said there's another machine upstairs and he'd send someone up there to get that. Gary knows which cookies Artie wants. He likes the little Linden's ''chocolate chippers'' that they have in the machine.
Lisa said that Crazy Alice spent her Sunday with High Pitch Mike on Sunday and they almost went over to Ground Zero but Alice had a breakdown and couldn't make it there. Lisa said they have a story about The Iron Sheik and something that happened to him at a comedy show. Sheik was shaking hands with the crowd when a guy pulled him forward and then let him go flying backwards. Sheik spent 10 minutes yelling at the crowd after that until the guy was taken out of the venue.
Howard asked Don how he got struck the second time. don said he and his friends were in a shed during a storm and all of a sudden he got struck again. They were in a wooden shed and he's not sure how it happened. He said that the lighting went right up his ass. He said that it came right up through the floor and there was apparently a nail in the bench that it traveled through. The lightning burned the hair off his balls when it went up through his ass. He said that the zipper was burned right out of his pants.
Don was crippled by the first strike and he claims that's because they didn't move him fast enough. He said that this second time he knew that he had to start moving around as soon as possible. He had a problem getting an erection for a couple of months after the second strike. He said that no one knows why that is though. He said that it basically drains the sap out of you when you get hit.
don said that when you get struck you see a tunnel of light and then you die for a short time. He said he can't tell Howard if there's any religious meaning to it though. Howard read that Don is 6 feet tall and weighs 330 pounds. He said that he must ask himself why he gets struck by lighting and doesn't hit the lottery or something. Don said that the lightning strike left marks on his body after the hit. He said he really doesn't have any pain from it though.
Don said that he has no problem getting it up these days. He said he beat the shit out of it the other night and had no problem. Howard took a call from a guy who said that lightning actually travels from the ground up and that's why it traveled up through the shed he was in. Don said that he's not sure about that, he was told it has to hit the ground first.
Don had been married at one time so Robin asked him what was worse, being married or getting struck by lightning. Don joked that it was the marriage but then said that his wife was actually a great person and he didn't think that way at all.
Howard asked Don if it hurts when he wipes. He said it didn't leave him in any pain. He has no problems with that stuff at all. Howard said that's what it's like to be struck by lightning. Don said there were no nude women in the round ray of light he saw so Howard wouldn't like being struck.
Artie told Don that he should celebrate that day he got struck, July 27th, every year. Don said that he should. Howard took a call from a guy who said that some people get struck and get killed, he seemed to find it hard to believe that this guy had survived two hits. Don said that maybe his heart was stronger or something.
Don said that he wishes that he were in the studio today because he's a fan of the show. He hasn't been able to listen because he has XM radio. He said that he should get rid of it but he likes having it for baseball. Howard said that's what the merger will be good for, they'll have baseball on the service for both XM and SIRIUS.
A caller asked Artie to stop eating so much. Howard said that Artie is going away to fat camp and one person thought that it was Colin Quinn who wanted to take him away. Artie said that's not true though.
Howard said that last night he had a Wack Pack Town Hall show and Benjy was going to be the host of the show but they messed with everyone and told them that Benjy wasn't going to be able to make it there so one of the wack pack would have to host. They had Fred the Elephant Boy, Crazy Alice, Jeff the Vomit Guy and John the Stutterer. Benjy told them all that he couldn't make it and one of them had to take over. Benjy told them to make something up and cover for him so he doesn't get in trouble with Howard.
Howard asked who they thought was going to take control of the show. Robin guessed it was Elephant Boy and she was right. Howard played more of the show where Elephant Boy came on and explained what was going on with the show. Elephant Boy took right over and asked the rest of the guys some questions. He was pretty much unintelligible. Howard said the funny thing is that the guy is so willing to talk when you can't even understand what he's saying.
Howard played a clip where John the Stutterer was going off on Ann Coulter. Howard said that he and Benjy were working on the show and thought that it might just be a 30 minute show but Tim Sabean wanted it to be a full hour so they could fill up that time.
Howard had Elephant Boy on the phone so he asked him how he liked doing that show. Elephant Boy said something about having fun with it but no one knew what he was saying. Howard said he loves the prank call they had of Elephant Boy calling a taffy store and telling them that he now sounds like a dope after eating their taffy. He played the call and got a few laughs from that.
Howard got back to Elephant Boy and said that the show seemed to work out last night. Elephant Boy said that the panel all got behind him and he told Benjy that was a mean joke to play on him. He said that Benjy walked in for one minute at the end of the show. He thanked Howard for the opportunity though. Benjy said the SIRIUS people told him that he actually did a good job hosting. Other than the fact that you can't understand what he's saying, he did a great job.
Howard played another clip where John the Stutterer went off on a caller yelling at the guy about his political views. Howard asked if there were any other stellar clips to play. JD said that Miss Howard Stern called in at one point and said she'd puke on Jeff Levy the vomit guy. Howard played that clip but Benjy wondered if it was really her. He said that Sour Shoes had called in a few times and his voices were so good that it could have been him. It sounded very much like Andrea though. The guys thought that it sounded like her but she was too coherent to actually be Andrea.
Howard said that show sounded good and they may have to do it again. Gary said that some of the guys thought that it sounded more like Miss Black Howard Stern than Andrea Miss Howard Stern. Howard thought it sounded like Miss Black Howard Stern too but they kept calling her Andrea on the show.
Howard said that they could do the show again with some different Wack Packers. Robin said that Double A must be slitting his writs knowing that Elephant Boy may be getting his own show. She gave one of her evil laughs when she said that.
Howard had to go to break but started to talk about the statement they got from Ellen Degeneres' camp about this dog adoption thing. Gary thought Howard was getting into it so he started to talk about the statement. Howard cut him off and played a couple of Baba Booey song parodies to goof on him for screwing up once again. Sal was dancing around in Gary's office as that was going on so everyone was laughing. Gary said that if his wife didn't sleep with him he'd probably be doing the same thing. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said they're looking for some people for the Hottest Chick, Smallest Boobs contest. He said that they're looking for women who are at least 18, or maybe 21, Howard didn't know. He said that the contest is sponsored by TheBestPorn.com.
Michael told Garver that he had been to the studio but Howard didn't realize that. Gary came in and told Howard that Scott Greenstein gave Michael Douglas a tour of the studio one day and actually didn't bother introducing him to Sal and Richard who were there doing some work. He saw them and just told Michael that they do some work in that room. That led to Artie doing an impression of Scott Greenstein giving the tour and telling Michael about who those guys were. Gary said that Scott may have gone as far as to close the door. He said they just quickly went by their studio as if to make sure Michael didn't see the two of them. Artie pointed out all of Sal and Richard's flaws.
Howard got back to the Michael Douglas interview. Garver was about to ask questions but Douglas excused himself and made his getaway before the questions came. Garver found him later on and tried to question him again. Garver asked what the right amount of money is to give to a begger. Douglas tried to avoid answering the questions and gave very simple answers for the rest of the questions. Garver asked who the biggest asshole in Hollywood is. Michael asked him if he lives in the area. Garver kept asking questions even though Michael was trying to make his getaway. He told Gary he was done and said that he wanted to talk about the event. He wondered if Howard gives money to chartable causes.
Michael said that if Howard donated some money to this charity, maybe he'd talk to him more. Howard said that guy seems a little uptight. Gary said that Garver was like a little gnat flying around Michael. Garver went over and found Kirk Douglas and started to interview him. Then Michael saw that going on and came over to put a stop to that.
Garver was talking to Kirk and Kirk asked him about the two microphones he was holding. Garver asked him some questions about politics and the Dahli Lama. Kirk's speech is pretty messed up from his stroke so it was hard to understand. Michael came running over and stopped the interview and said he wasn't going to give them any time if they weren't going to donate money to the charity. Gary said that it's called Friendly House but he wasn't sure what they do. Howard said he might have to donate but he'd like to know what it's about. He usually gives to charities that he knows.
Benjy tried to look up the charity but he wasn't able to find it. Fred said that he thinks it might be a drug treatment charity. He found something on the web and read it to Howard. Howard said that maybe he should give something to them.
Howard said that Kirk was giving them a great interview there and Michael came by and ruined it. Artie did an impression of Kirk slurring his words and then Howard played a Jack and Rod show that Sal and Richard had done with Crackhead Bob pretending to be Kirk Douglas. The guys got some laughs from that. Howard cut it off but Robin wanted to hear more of it because the guy on the phone gets pissed at what Bob is saying to him and his wife.
Howard said that the only other celebrity that would talk to them at this charity event was Eva Marie Saint. He said that as soon as she finds out who Garver is, she runs off. He played the interview and you hear her telling Gary how much she likes curly hair like his. Garver asks her if Carey Grant was full of himself. She answered that question and then he asked her a question about Alfred Hitchcock coming on to her and she asked him where he was from. He broke the news that he was from Howard's show and she ran off saying that she doesn't care for him.
Howard said that he'd like to say to Ellen that he thinks that she believes that she can have a dog and the reality of it hits her and she ends up giving them up to other people. He thinks that she is living a fantasy life where she thinks that having a dog would make her life complete but then the reality hits and she can't care for it so she releases it to anyone who she can pawn it off on. Then some time goes by and she adopts another one.
Gary suggested that maybe she finds a dog that's about to be put to sleep and she saves it. Howard said that's not what's happening though. Jason came in and told Howard that she's almost becoming her own foster home but you can't just call yourself a foster home and do it yourself. It takes a lot of time and paperwork to do something like that.
Howard said he brought all of this up and hoped that the mainstream media would pick up on the story, and they have. Gary said that he loves this publicist because she represents Tobey Maguire as well. He didn't want to cause any problems. Howard said he'd like to talk to Ellen on the show about this but Gary said that there's no one else out there who talks about her like this. Howard is the only one who will tell her that she can't handle a dog and she can barely handle her own life. He said that she's got a problem and she needs to seek out guidance. Howard said that Portia can't tell Ellen this stuff, she'd get kicked right out of Ellen's life and Ellen would go find another ''vagine.''
Howard said he thinks it's funny that Hate Man is sitting home and watching that show. He's got the same viewing habits that Howard does. Artie wondered where that guy disappeared to for the longest time. He didn't call in for a long time so he wondered if he had gone to jail or something.
Ralph called in and asked Howard when he became such a dog nut and worrying about what Ellen is doing with these dogs. He also said that he doesn't get this Joe Torre thing either. They spent a few minutes on the Joe Torre thing and then talked about the Ellen thing. Ralph doesn't see what the big deal is but Howard said that the problem is that Ellen doesn't know that she has a problem. He said he'd love to see her place every dog that doesn't have a home, but she's not going about it the right way. He said that would be like him going to a restaurant and ordering the same food day after day even if he hated it. Ralph said that's not a fair comparison and Ellen is trying different ''foods'' and not the same thing. Howard said that it's the same food and hung up on Ralph.
Howard played another Hate Man voice mail where he goes off on Robin. He said that Robin's pussy is steaming and he's got the best cock in town. He said she doesn't want Florentine, he's just after her for her money. He said that Robin will always be his Aunt Jemima whore. He talks about sticking his cock in her hot cunt. Howard said that guy is really creepy. He repeated himself over and over again about wanting to pound her in the cunt and stuff like that.
Howard said that Gilbert Gottfried was there so he had to get to him. He had to take a break first but Robin was reading some stuff about Marie Osmond and she's thinking that she might be getting booted off the show tonight. They don't show her much in the pictures from the show.
Sal came in with the Gary Puppet like it was some big surprise or something. Sal said that they had given him new shoes and washed him up but there wasn't anything that new about it. Gary said that Doug was making a big deal out of it like they had done something to him but it was the same puppet. Howard said that Doug is out of his mind. He told them to display the two of them on the shelf in the studio.
Eric said that he met this girl online and Johnny Fratto helped him get a date with her. She's moving out to California and she's going to be his girlfriend. Howard said that he hasn't had sex with him yet or anything but Eric claims that she has agreed to have sex with him. Howard said that this is kind of interesting but he'd lost Johnny Fratto.
Eric said that because this took so long today, he's not going to read his book Dougie the Puggie tomorrow like he was supposed to. Howard told Eric he didn't care about that but he said he would talk to Eric and Johnny about this Christine chick tomorrow. He said they have to set up the call but Eric told him that they refuse to give them her phone number. Howard said he feels bad for Eric because it sounds like he's being played by this chick. Robin said that he'll probably never have sex with this woman. Eric said that if he does have sex with this woman then Robin has to quit. Robin said that she'll do that.
Ralph told Eric that he should tell this chick who the man is in the relationship and tell her to stay on the phone. Eric told Ralph to go get that berry removed from his face. Artie told Eric that he should tell his chick who wears the PJ Pants in that house.
Howard said that Eric can't be calling this girl his girlfriend when he hasn't even gone out with her yet. Howard told him that it's pathetic to do this. He wondered if Diana Degarmo is going to be upset when she finds out about this. Eric said that he has seen this Christine's DD breasts on cam. He said he saw her in a chat room called **SmackyShack** on Stickam.com.
Ralph said that Eric can't even take his eyes off the computer when he's talking on the phone. Eric was watching the chat room that he was in and using their jokes to goof on Ralph. Howard took a call from this Christine chick (Richard) who said that she'd never fuck that troll Eric. Howard said that she's admitting that she'd never do him. Eric knew that it was Richard and he feels that they think that he's mentally retarded or something when they do this to him.
Howard told Eric to produce the real Christine if that wasn't the real one. He told Eric that he's going to look into this Christine chick and find out if she's the real thing or not. Eric said that this has been going on for over a week now and he really feels that he can call her his girlfriend. Eric said that he's almost in love with her and he's ''getting there'' with her. Howard thanked Eric for the call but Eric said that he won't be reading ''Dougie'' tomorrow. He said that they didn't earn it because they're all jackasses. Howard said he was a little excited about the Dougie thing but he'll get over it.
Gilbert came in and Howard asked him if he would do Dancing with the Stars if they asked him to. Gilbert said he ''kind of'' doubts it. Howard told him that they pay like $50,000 to do it though. Gilbert said in that case he might have to do it.
Howard brought up the Pat Cooper roast since Gilbert was at that. They talked about how it went for 3 hours but Gilbert said that's short for one of those Friar's Club roasts. Gilbert closes the show according to Artie and he always kills. Howard heard that Gilbert didn't even mention Pat cooper in the roast. He just told dirty jokes. He wondered if Gilbert is too lazy to do that. Gilbert said he didn't even look over at Pat during the roast. He didn't tell any jokes about him and didn't look at him.
Howard asked Gilbert to tell some of the jokes that he told at the roast. Gilbert said they're on his DVD. Howard told him to tell some of them and maybe people will buy that DVD finally. Gilbert told some of the jokes that had nothing to do with Pat Cooper at all. He didn't even try to change the jokes to fit Pat in them. Artie knew some of the jokes and told Gilbert which ones to tell. Gilbert was trying to tell some jokes but he was laughing at himself. Howard wanted to hear the jokes that he had but Gilbert was laughing his ass off.
Gilbert told the joke which was about an armless and legless woman next to the ocean. He says that the woman is laying there crying, a guy comes up to her and asks her what's wrong. She says she's never been kissed so the guy kisses her and walks away. She cries twice as heard, the guy returns and asks what's wrong. She says that she's never been fucked so the guy picks her up and throws her in the water saying ''You're fucked now!''
Howard tried to find out why the woman was armless and legless and Artie told him that people will actually do that at comedy shows and ask questions about the jokes. Howard had him tell a couple more and then let Gilbert get in a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com.
Howard tried to get Gilbert to tell some more jokes by asking him if he had a favorite. Gilbert said he didn't but Howard was just trying to nudge them out of him so he could get in some more of his dirty jokes. Gilbert said that he's not sure how people come up with those jokes and he just memorizes them, he doesn't come up with his own.
Howard asked Gilbert if he looks at someone from Last Comic Standing as a real musician might look at someone from American Idol. Gilbert said that Last Comic Standing ends careers before they began. Howard said that this Carrie Underwood is breaking all kinds of records selling records and musicians who have been working hard for years, like Faith Hill, get upset when she wins a Grammy. They were talking about this one woman who was at the roast and ended up bombing. They said that she may have been from Last Comic Standing and she was going to prove that the show is legitimate by killing. That didn't work out for her. Howard said that woman probably confirmed that not everyone can be a comedian.
Gilbert had a story about bombing himself. He did a corporate event down in South Carolina. He was told he had to work clean at the event and he agreed to do that. He was also told that he couldn't do any Christian jokes so he opened up with some crucifiction jokes. Gilbert said he refuses to get off stage so some guy came up and pulled him off stage. This just happened a few months ago. He said that everyone was just staring at each other angrily when this guy comes storming up on stage and drags him off.
Gilbert said there may have been people laughing at him at first but it quickly went downhill. He said that he yelled out that they had been a great crowd as this guy was dragging him off stage. He said that he did another corporate gig one time and he was so embarrassed that he snuck out by climbing over the hedge at the outdoor event.
Gary came in and said that when Gilbert is told what to do, he gets really angry. He did a gig opening up for Belinda Carlisle and used the word cunt about 90 times. Gilbert said he remembers seeing women clapping their hands over their young daughter's ears as he was doing his material. Howard said that's kind of rude to do something like that at an event like that. Gilbert said that his agent is actually surprised when people don't ask for their money back after he does stuff like this.
Howard asked Gilbert about doing a movie where he plays a duck. Gilbert said that it's a family DVD that's coming out next year and he's actually appearing in a duck outfit instead of being animated.
Howard got back to the Pat Cooper Roast and asked about this woman who bombed. Artie said that she went on about 3 hours into the roast and people were going to the bathroom while she was doing her thing. Artie said that it was an hour of no laughs and she refused to get off stage. Gilbert said it was like wind in the background and didn't hear much of anything.
Howard gave Gilbert a plug for his upcoming Caroline's appearance on November 2nd. Then he took some phone calls. One guy said he was at a show one time and Gilbert had two tables in the club and one of the couples was a black couple. Gilbert did some black jokes and chased them out of the room. Gilbert said that he thinks that he's actually done some rooms where they have him go on stage to clear the room so they can close up early.
Gilbert was doing his Seinfeld impression and goofing on the way Seinfeld talks about doing stand-up comedy because he loves doing it so much. Howard said that most guys are doing anything they can so they don't have to do that while Jerry is saying he has to keep doing it because he loves it so much. He said that it's like rubbing it in the face of all of the comedians out there.
Gilbert talked about Seinfeld appearing on Oprah's show and plugging his ''Bee Movie'' for the whole show. It was like an hour long commercial. They talked about how much control Oprah has over her audience. Gilbert said she's like Charles Manson with her audience and she could probably tell people to go out and kill and they would.
Howard said that he saw this movie ''30 Days of Night'' where the vampires move up to Alaska where they have 30 days of night. He said that he was thinking about Gilbert when he saw that because Bela Lugosi was such a dope he never thought about doing something like that.
Howard had some clips from Oprah's show where she and Jerry Seinfeld were making each other laugh. Oprah had Jerry tell some stories that she had already heard and gave a phony laugh when she heard the story again. Howard wondered what the fuck Oprah and her audience were laughing at during that story that Jerry was telling about going out to dinner with Steven Spielberg.
Howard asked Gilbert if he was ever asked to be on Oprah. Gilbert said he never has and he can't imagine he ever would be. He then told a joke about Oprah that he knew. The joke was about Oprah going to a doctor and the doctor has her get naked and crawling all over his office. She asks him why he was doing that and the doctor says he had just ordered a black leather couch and was trying to figure out where to put it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Gilbert just isn't funny when he's on the show. Artie said the guy had to be kidding, he thinks that Gilbert is funny. Howard apologized to the guy and said that Gilbert is kind of funny to him. The caller said that Gilbert is very mundane and boring to him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Gilbert is 10 times funnier than Seinfeld is. He told a story he heard about Seinfeld that didn't go anywhere. Artie said he tells a story like Seinfeld tells a story on Oprah.
Artie told a story about bombing at a charity event he did. He told him the story about going to this Prada Willie charity where they have kids who don't have the ability to stop eating. Gilbert was laughing his ass off before he even got into the story. Artie told him about some of the kids they had at the event and that made Gilbert laugh his ass off. He said that he got up on stage and said that he was so full from eating at the carving station and ended up getting kicked out of the event.
Howard played some Gilbert song parodies and prank calls that the guys have made using his audio clips. He played one where they used Gilbert's Dice Clay impression clips to goof on a guy they called. Gilbert was laughing in the phone call and laughing at himself in the studio. Howard said that Gilbert should have played The Joker in the Batman movies. That's the kind of laugh he should have, that evil, maniacal laugh.
Howard played another prank call the guys made using clips of Gilbert. In that one they had Gilbert doing his impressions and had the guy on the phone really confused. Artie and Gilbert were laughing their asses off hearing that stuff. Howard had to go to break after that. He asked Gilbert if he wanted to stick around or if he had to go home and baby sit. Gilbert joked that he's sooo busy. Howard said he's seen Gilbert in the paper lately and saw him smiling while he was out walking with his wife and kid.
Gilbert said that he's enjoying helping out with the kid but he helps and leaves the room. He said that he's giving his kid some stuff to write a book about in the future. Howard gave him some plugs and then went to break.
Gary said that Howard's may be even worse than Gilbert's. He read through his ratings and he got a bunch of 0s and actually doubled the ''creepy'' one over Gilbert. He said that Howard got a 1 percent on the sexy thing. Howard got 42 percent on the ''kooky and wacky'' thing. Artie said he was kind of surprised by some of those numbers.
Steve said that they have more on Double A's recent drunken driving charge and how he's pled guilty and now has to serve some community service. Howard asked Gilbert about drunk driving but Gilbert doesn't drive. He never learned. His wife has to drive him around. Howard figured that Gilbert was a high school drop out and didn't get driver's ed. Gilbert said that he's stupid on all counts.
Steve mentioned that they gave Howard a shout out on the animated series ''Drawn Together'' on Comedy central when they had the character Baba Louie yelling out ''Baba Booey'' over and over again at one point.
Jon Hein came in and talked about what they'd be discussing on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about Gary Garver's interviews, the Ellen Degeneres thing, the guy who got struck by lightning, Eric the Midget and Gilbert Gottfried.
Gilbert laughed his ass off through that whole call. Howard said that the woman was confounded that Gilbert makes a living doing that stuff.
Howard asked Gilbert about being married and wondered if he feels good about it all. He broke into his Seinfeld impression and talked about how it's changed his life for the better. Robin brought up Imus in a story and said that it definitely looks like he did something to smooth out his old looking face. That led to Fred doing his Imus impression and throwing out the N-word once as a joke. That set Gilbert off and he was throwing around the N-word quite a bit. Howard told Gilbert to calm down with that but Fred kept egging him on with the Imus impression.
Artie and Gilbert were goofing around a lot during the news. Gilbert calmed down with the N-word but continued to laugh his ass off at jokes that Artie was telling.
Howard took a break in the middle of the news and came back asking Gilbert if he ever does any exercise at all. Gilbert said he doesn't do any type of working out at all. Robin read through some more news stories with Gilbert behaving himself for a few minutes.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about a bit that Sal and Richard had come up with around this time last year. It was a ''Black People House Of Horror'' bit. Gary had that bit up on Howard's computer so he started to play it but bailed out on it because he really didn't like it.
Robin read through some more news and wrapped up around 10:55am. Howard ended the show a short time later after giving Gilbert some more plugs for his upcoming Caroline's shows and his web site. They were done around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song. He kind of trailed off after a few seconds. He went on to talk about how he doesn't even know the lyrics to his own song since he didn't have time to memorize them back when he performed it with Rob Zombie. He performed it with Rob on MTV one time and he had to use a teleprompter to sing along with Rob. He said that performance was cool and he had fun being a rock star for a short time.
Howard said that he was watching Dancing with the Stars last night and thinking about Jennifer Lopez basically begging people to buy her new album. He said that David Letterman did that one time. He was on Letterman's show one time and there was a band on the show that Dave gave him a smirk and pointed at them like they were fools.
Howard said he was watching Jennifer Lopez and thinking that she looked so desperate. He said she can't sing either and she was yelling into the microphone at one point. He said it was really grating to him. He also said he doesn't care if Jennifer Lopez is pregnant like some people think she is. He pointed out how awful it must be for these entertainment reporters to dedicate their lives to worrying about stuff like that.
Howard said that there are all of these shows dedicated to reporting on celebrities. Sometimes they'll even have people on both coasts reporting on the celebrity stories. JD came in a short time later and said he watches those shows all the time and they always ask stupid stuff like ''How's Bruce Willis as a kisser?'' which really annoys him. Howard thanked him for coming in with that nonsense. He said that Gary sent him in with that.
Howard asked Artie if he can really keep track of the key and actually just use it in an emergency. Artie said that he can do that, he's not going to use it if he has a dollar in his pocket. Howard told Artie that he's made it because he doesn't know anyone else who has a key to a vending machine like that. He wondered if it's dangerous because he can see Artie opening up that machine and eating everything in there. His eating is kind of out of control at this point.
Artie said that he'd rather have the key to the heroin bin but this will do. He doesn't think that his eating intake will go up. He said that sometimes the machine just doesn't work and he can't get something out of it. It's just a backup. Howard said he thinks the key will go on the keychain and within a week he'll be opening up the machine every day.
The caller asked Howard if he thinks that some of the song parodies that have been coming in are from Sour Shoes trying to be a normal singer. Howard said he doesn't think that's the case. That led to Artie saying that he got word that the woman who called the Wack Pack Town Hall show as Miss Howard Stern last week was not actually her. It was a woman by the name of Corey. Howard said that's possible and quickly changed back to Artie's vending machine key. He spent a couple more minutes talking about the key and what Artie's going to do with it.
A caller said he couldn't believe that Artie got the key to the machine. He can't believe that he doesn't have 75 cents on him for the machine. Artie said that it's not about the money. There are times that the machine doesn't work and he needs to get inside of it to get his food. He was telling the guys about that and had his mouth full of food.
Howard explained what this story is about and how it reflects Eric's real life in certain ways. The story is about this dog, Dougie the Puggie, who tries to help it's owner meet some celebrities that his owner is a fan of. Howard told Eric he's going to cut him off if he gets tired of it. Eric asked how many paragraphs he can read. Howard asked how many are on the first page. Eric said there are 5. Howard told him to try one paragraph and they'll go on from there.
Eric found the page and read chapter 1 from his book ''Dougie the Puggie'' so he could read it. Eric asked Howard to go with either Eric the Actor or Eric the Writer instead of midget today. Howard did that and called him Eric the Writer. Eric then read that first paragraph with some laughter from the guys in the studio.
Eric uses his own name in the book and he explains how Dougie is going to help him find his wife, which is actually Diana Degarmo. Eric actually read four paragraphs and the guys wanted to hear even more. Eric said he wasn't going to read the whole thing to them even though they wanted to hear it all.
Eric read some more from the book but Howard stopped him for a minute. He didn't want him to give away too much and he wanted to find out what the audience was thinking. One guy said that he'd love to have an audio book version. He said he's got some kids and he'd love to have an audio version for his own car. Another guy told him it was awesome and Eric is a genius.
Howard said that Dougie the Puggie gets Diana Degarmo for his owner but he's wondering how that happens. How does the dog succeed where others have failed. Eric said that would kind of give away too much of the story. He said that they (Eric and Dougie) make their way to where she's at and she looks at the dog tags and she knows where they're from.
Howard took some more calls and one guy said that he can't believe that Eric changed his name to Eric the Writer. Another caller went off on Eric saying that he's a stuttering bastard. Howard cut him off and took a call from publisher Judith Regan (High Pitch Eric) who said that she's not going to publish his book. Eric the Writer told Howard that he's really sick of them putting High Pitch on the phone. High Pitch said that he wasn't High Pitch, he was actually Eric's girlfriend Christine. Howard said he couldn't tell and pretended that he didn't know it was High Pitch.
Howard asked Eric if there's a sex scene between him and Diana in the adult version of the book. Eric said that doesn't happen. Artie said he has a feeling that the adult version of the book is going to be called ''Evidence.'' Howard said he'd like for Howard TV to produce an animated version of this story. Howard had a caller on the line who wanted to produce something himself but he told him that he's got first dibs on the story.
Howard told Eric that he's got a hit on his hands. He took a call from Kevin Lofton who does the animations for their TV show. Kevin was wondering what Dougie looks like and wondered if the dog had Eric's head on a dog's body. Eric said that's not the case. Artie said he shouldn't have Eric's head on the dog but the dog should be an asshole, just like Eric. Eric called Artie a fat ass and goofed on him a little bit after hearing that. Kevin also asked if the dog is good at recognizing voices like Eric is.
A caller told Howard he read the ending of the story and Eric flies with balloons and Diana is so impressed that she fucks him. The caller also said that he flies up to her pussy on the balloons and that's the only way he can reach that far. Howard took another call from a guy who said that the only way that thing is going to be animated is by the courtroom artist that draws him when he's in court.
Howard wrapped up with Eric and thanked him for the call. Eric said he didn't have the final draft, that was actually another version. Eric said that he's going to call in next week and give them an outline of the script that he's working on. He said it's not based on the Dougie thing, it's a crime drama.
Howard ands the guys were talking about Benjy and how nutty he is with everything he does. They were talking about how he's trying to lose weight but he just eats a ton of food. Robin said that Benjy was telling her that he was going to become a vegan unless someone offers him some meat.
A caller told Howard that he was listening to the Dougie the Puggie thing and he wanted to ''yankie his wheelie'' and kill himself out on the PA Turnpike. Another