Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show as he does often. He said he was surrounded by illness though. Artie was there but he's still sick. Howard said he was going to call Artie over the weekend to find out how he was doing but he never got around to it. Now Artie is complaining that he's still ill so he told him to go home.
Artie said that there's a weird thing about working there because Howard always comes to work when he's sick so he feels he has to do the same. Then he thinks about how he might get Howard sick and he feels he has to go home before that happens. Howard told him that there were rumors that he was back on heroin when he called in sick on Thursday. Artie said he knows, he heard about that. He also said that he went out house shopping on Friday and that didn't go over very well.
Artie said that he's gotten notes from a lot of real estate agents and they all seem to know what price range he should be in. He told Howard and Robin that they've basically talked him out of buying a house after what they did to him last week. He said he did see a really nice place though. There was a nice bar and a pool room that he could have used.
Robin asked Artie if he really wants to buy a house like that. Artie heard that and said that he wants them to save that clip for the Wrap Up Show today so she can hear herself talking. Artie also said that if he did buy this house, he'd only have to change his schedule by about 15 minutes to get to work on time. The house has six bedrooms and he could fill it with his dirt bag friends.
Howard asked Artie if he could live in a place that big alone. Artie said he'd be fine. The place even has a room for a maid. He went on to say that he was feeling better on Friday until he went out to look at the house. He started getting sick again after doing that. He said he heard Ronnie was sick today as well.
Howard said Gary is sick as well and JD is still sick after he went out to the AVN awards in Las Vegas. He said he's just surrounded by sick people. Howard thinks that Ronnie is sick because of what went down at Scores. He said there had to have been a misunderstanding because no one has ever offered to blow him over there. Artie said he's never had that offered to him either. Robin told them that's because they're not cops. Howard said he's had a knee in his groin but that's about it.
Fred played a song parody where they had Ronnie's ''Let's fuck some whores!'' line. Ronnie came in a short time later and said that nothing went down with those girls actually doing something over there. Robin and Howard thought it was funny that Ronnie thought the girls had to have actually done something with the cops. Ronnie said that this stuff is bad news for that club because now women won't let their husbands go to the club because they think there's prostitution going on.
Howard explained to Ronnie that the cops can't do anything with the girls. Ronnie thinks that the guys have to hand the girls money to get busted. Robin said that there's some controversy about even asking a question like that in a strip club. Howard said that maybe the girls were trying to point out evil-doers over there. He's not even sure how anyone can hear what anyone is saying over there because the music is so loud. He had Fred play some loud music to demonstrate what that conversation might be like.
Robin said she read that some manager over there had approved the sex thing with the girls. Howard said he's pissed because he was never even offered a blow job. He said that Beth told him that's what must go on there. Ronnie said he didn't know anything about that until he saw it on the news one night over the weekend. Then his wife asked him if it had ever happened to him after he broke into a cold sweat. He said he told his wife that nothing like that had ever happened to him. He said he usually hangs out in the restaurant.
Howard said he's very upset by the whole thing and he wants to hear from Lonnie over there to see what they're saying. Ronnie said he'll try to get him to make a statement. He said he was watching the news and they had cameras planted in front of the place showing the people who were going into the club. Howard said he wants to go there now more than ever. Robin mentioned that they posted the names of some of the girls who were busted. Ronnie said he knows some of the girls and two of them were on the show.
Robin read the news story about the girls and read off some of their names. Ronnie told Howard which girls they knew. Howard said he thinks that they will be vindicated and this was all one big misunderstanding. Ronnie said he hopes the same thing. Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that this kind of stuff goes on all the time in strip clubs.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had a piece of food on his lip. Howard thanked him for that but said he was saving that for later. Howard told the camera guys that they shouldn't be close enough to see food on him. Ronnie said that he had a camera crew at his house filming his dog walking on his treadmill over the weekend. Howard then asked Gary why he would come in and tell him that instead of sending a note over the computer. Gary apologized for that and then Fred played a Baba Booey song parody.
Howard asked Gary how many boxes he got done. Gary said he got many done and none of them were done during the time of that party. He was resting then. Howard let him go and took a phone call. The guy said that he doesn't like Ronnie on the air. Howard said he gets a lot of that from the fans. Ronnie can't handle the callers very well sometimes.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the prostitution bust at Scores could put their liquor license in jeopardy. He also said that any guy who is in the club at the time should be okay and not get into trouble. Another guy said that just agreeing to having sex for money can lead to a prostitution bust. They spent a short time on that subject.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there's any way to figure out how many people listen to the show in the morning. Howard said they do know that about 60-70 percent of the subscribers are tuned into his channels. He's not exactly sure how that works but that's what he's been told. The caller also asked when they're going to put up the Bubba's Wedding special on Howard TV. Howard said there's already one special up there but there will be two more specials in the near future.
The caller asked Howard when they're having their next roast. Howard said they just had a meeting about that and Rev. Bob Levy suggested a couple of people that they could roast. He said Bob thinks that the best person for the next roast should be Sal the Stockbroker. Howard said he thinks it's time for a celebrity roast so they're throwing around a bunch of names. Artie said they could throw David Spade into that list. Howard asked Gary for the list of other celebs that they could roast. He said the roast will be very soon and he'll get to that list shortly for the caller.
Lonnie hopes that once the charges are dropped, he hopes they continue to get the attention they were getting before. Howard wonders why he's never been offered a blow job over there. Lonnie said that they can't change their policy for him and they would never do such a thing. Howard said he can't understand the girls with their accents over there so maybe he has been offered that stuff at some point. He said he was just kidding about that and hopes that they can clear this whole thing up.
Lonnie said that Howard helped make them famous and he thinks that's why they get so much press coverage when something like this happens. Ronnie was in there making jokes about the whole thing so Howard told him that his jokes were a little dopey.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that this stuff goes on at strip clubs all the time. Howard said he's heard about guys who go to clubs and pick up girls and take them home. He can't imagine they'd want to risk losing their liquor license to something like that though. Lonnie said that they would never do that and this is shocking that they were able to find anything because cops have tried to shut down clubs like that for a long time.
Howard let Lonnie go and saw that the guys had pulled an audio clip of a news report where they talked about what Howard has done for strip clubs. Howard played some of that and then Artie mentioned that he had a bunch of guys come up to him one night out in Times Square. The guys were fans and asked him where Scores was. That's how well known the place is.
Gary told Howard that people from The View have been asking for Howard to do the show. Howard said he didn't know about that but he really doesn't think he wants to do that show. He said it might be kind of creepy if he went on. He said most of them over there kind of like him, even Elisabeth Hasselbeck kind of backed off of him recently.
Robin gave a shout out to the people at The Vault channel 16 there at SIRIUS. She said they've been doing a great job over there. Gary said they do play some classic songs that you never really hear anymore. Howard said his interest was piqued so he was going to tune in to hear what they're up to. He found the channel and listened to a song he didn't recognize. Captain Janks said he listens to that channel all the time. Robin said she loves it. Howard said the song they were listening to was Eric Clapton's ''Further Up The Road'' and spent a short time talking about how the song was a little too self indulgent for him.
Robin said that there's a Beatles song that she likes that you never really hear and they played that on The Vault. Fred knew it was ''Tomorrow Never Knows'' since Robin had no idea what the name of the song was. Fred pulled out the Fab Faux performance of that song that they did live in Howard's studio a while back. While that was going on Janks took a piss. Howard and the guys heard that going on. Janks said he didn't think they'd hear it since he had his finger on the mute button.
Howard said that Gilbert Gottfried's name is on the list of roastees. He said he saw Gilbert out at Nobu the other night so that was a surprise. He's heard that Gilbert is miserable about having the kid and getting married now. Robin said she's been hearing just the opposite from the girlfriend's side of the camp. Howard said he knows that Gilbert is miserable. He ran into him when he was checking his coat and Gilbert thought it was kind of awkward. He asked him how he was doing and he didn't get more than an ''okay'' from him. Then Gilbert's girlfriend came walking down the stairs with her belly and all. He said Gilbert looked petrified when he saw her coming down.
Howard said Gilbert really does look miserable and embarrassed when she's around. He said that his girlfriend is really cute too. She's beautiful, nice and sweet and she's with this miserable guy. Robin said she heard that she's been saying that he's the one who wanted the baby and this was his whole idea. Howard wants to talk to her so Artie said he might have her cell number because she was the one he was talking to when he was giving DVD advice for Gilbert. Artie said that Gilbert's girlfriend is really into managing Gilbert's career.
Howard read through some more names on the list of possible roastees. He mentioned Barbara Walters, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and Jenny McCarthy. The guys figured that Jenny was too full of herself right now to have something like that done. She's been dating Jim Carrey lately so she may not be into getting roasted. Howard said she'll eventually come back to the show after they break up. Howard said that he gets the feeling that Jim is a very disturbed guy.
Other names on the list included Jenna Jameson, Jon Stewart, Robin Quivers, Dice, Eric the Midget, Scott the Engineer, Judith Regan, Sean Hannity, Mike Tyson, Tom Jones, David Arquette, Montel Williams, Maury Povich, Martha Stewart, Rosie O'Donnell, Conan O'Brien, Bill O'Reilly, Janice Dickinson, Joanie Laurer (Chyna Doll), Bubba the Love Sponge, John Bon Jovi, Puff Daddy, 50 Cent, Hulk Hogan, Chuck Zito, Pat Cooper, David Hasslehoff, Pat O'Brien, Don Imus, David Letterman, David Blaine, Kid Rock, Norm Macdonald, Insane Clown Posse, Riley Martin, Tom Chiusano, David Lee Roth, Johnny Fratto, Crazy Alice, Joey Buttafuoco, Geraldo Rivera, Jackie Martling, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Rock, Larry King, Oprah Winfrey,
Howard said he doesn't think they could do Eric the Midget. That would be too sad. He also said Sean Hannity might be good. They spent some time talking about Mike Tyson and how it might be scary to roast him. Howard said he feels sorry for that guy too. He's been through a lot of crap.
Howard had Artie going through the list and telling him if it would be easy to write jokes for each person. Artie said the person has to be a big name with a lot of stuff they could write jokes about. A lot of those names that were mentioned were good according to Artie. They discussed some of the guys who might be tough like Riley Martin. Artie said that Crazy Alice would be fun but he figures she'd be out of there pretty quick.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he could come in if they roast Jackie because he'd love to see that. Howard said he doesn't know where they're going yet but they'll figure it out. Howard said they'll talk to Rev. Bob Levy about it and see what he thinks.
Artie asked Howard what went on with Johnny Fratto on Thursday since he was out sick. Howard explained that whole thing to him. Johnny had called in and got upset about the way they were reacting to the thread that he and Eric the Midget have over at SFN. Howard thought they had smoothed things over but he's not sure what's going on now.
Howard mentioned that his name was brought up on One Vs. One Hundred but he didn't understand the question. He played the clip from the show where they threw in Howard and Baba Booey in there when asking what ratatooie was. The player said he's not a fan of Stern but he did know what ratatooie was. Howard said that guy ended up losing anyway so that was good. He didn't have to say he wasn't a fan of the show.
Howard mentioned that he had just seen the movie ''The Departed'' and thought it was great. He said that Nicholson should win an Oscar for that performance. Robin said she loved that movie. Howard read that Jack isn't even nominated for that role. The guys spent a few minutes on that stuff and then went to break.
Gary came in and said that they sent the songs over and asked Howard to speculate on whether or not Prince would play them live at the Super Bowl. Howard said he thought they were live performances but Gary said he didn't get that when he heard them.
Howard had Lisa G come in with a Howard 100 News preview. She said that Bubba is in Muscle and Fitness magazine so Robin asked ''Why?'' and laughed when she heard that. She said there is no muscle and no fit there. Lisa said they'll be talking about that story on Howard 100 News today. Robin said that Bubba is still having problems with his operation and he hasn't had sex with his wife since December. His legs are not healing and he's having trouble working now. Howard wondered what he got himself into.
Lisa got back to her report and said they have some new Page 69 gossip tips from Jason and Will. They talk about Gary going to a doctor and how they took out a glob of ear wax the size of a quarter. Gary said it was the size of a dime. He was having trouble hearing so they sprayed hot water and peroxide in his ear and pulled that wax out. Gary said that they had to do it a couple of times and it was pretty big when that one piece came out. He said the hydrogen peroxide loosened that up and it eventually came out. Howard wondered if that's from wearing headphones.
Lisa said they have more on Gary and he's got a foot fungus going. Gary said he's had this fungus for 2 years now. Gary wondered why they couldn't spread this out over a couple of weeks instead of the same day. Gary explained how he's been trying to get rid of this fungus and it just won't go away. Howard asked him what isn't gross on him. Gary went on to say that the fungus doesn't do anything other than look gross. He said he tried to hide it in Florida. Howard wanted to see it right then so he told him to take his shoe off. Gary said all of the nails are yellow and gross looking. Robin said that it's a sign that his immune system isn't working right. Gary didn't believe that. Howard said that Gary licks a lot of ass so that might be it. Gary said he hasn't licked ass since 1988. He also said that his toenails now match his teeth so that's it.
Lisa mentioned that George Takei is on Heroes tonight so everyone should tune in to see that. Howard let her go after that.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever met Prince. Howard said he was at some show one time and ran into him quickly. Artie said he met him once at The Fashion Cafe one day. He took a friend to the place one day when it was still around and they stuck Prince next to him and his friend in this VIP area. Artie said the guy is tiny, he's only like 5 feet tall. Artie said he told Prince that Raspberry Beret was a great song and he got a ''Thanks'' from him before he was whisked away.
Howard said he and Gary were watching an old performance that he did one time. He said he really is a great guitar player and he's very underrated.
Eric said that he would like to replace this idea with the flying with the balloons idea. He thinks the balloon thing is out of the question because of the Hold your Wee for a Wii contest that went wrong at a radio station in California. Howard said he'd have Eric signing all kinds of paperwork that would let him off if he did die while flying with balloons. He said that he's thinking of making Eric hold his wee for a Wii while he's flying with balloons.
The guys goofed on Eric for a short time and then Howard asked Eric if that bothered him. Eric said it does so Howard figured the roast wouldn't work for him. Gary came in and said that JD had some thoughts on this whole thing. JD came in a minute later and said that he thinks Eric is an ungrateful douche bag and he would punch him in the face if he had the chance. Eric told JD to go bang his porn star. Howard told JD that Eric isn't that bad and if he doesn't shut up, he's going to give Eric his porn star girlfriend. Eric called JD a geek as he was walking out of the studio.
Howard told Eric that if he wants to fly with balloons and pee, that's fine with him. They're not going to roast him. Eric told Howard that he thinks he knows where Prince recorded that song. He mentioned that he's out in Vegas doing some shows. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard said they are looking for their first ever Miss Black Howard Stern. He said that if you're an African American female and you want to win $5,000, you can send a video tape to them. He said that they never stopped black women from entering to be Miss Howard Stern in the past... but they are looking for a black one now. He gave out the address and said that this is being sponsored by Clips4Sale.com.
Gary said that they may have the woman take a DNA test after she wins to make sure that she's at least 75 percent black. Howard went to break a short time later. Video tapes can be submitted to the show at this address:
Howard said that he and his wife were pretty cordial, as cordial as they can be. Brad said that all happened before Howard got his $500 million too. He said he'd trade his half a point for Raymond if he could have just one Howard point.
Howard asked Brad why he doesn't date Robin because he was talking about dating a black woman. Brad said he doesn't have the right stuff for that but Robin told him he does... He's got that half a point of ''Everybody Loves Raymond.''
Brad said that his wife left him for a taller man and then said it was actually for a woman but he was just joking about all of that. He said he married a girl that he was very much in love with and things changed. He said they have two great kids and they still get along. He said it's tough for him to date because Howard isn't the only Jew with a small penis. He said that he's a chromosome away from being Miss Black Howard Stern too.
Howard said that an actor with as much fame as he has would be attractive to a lot of women. Brad said he's got an ''innie'' though so it's not that easy. Howard said he read that Brad was afraid to tell his parents about his divorce but Brad said that's the press making a big thing out of nothing. Brad said they kept the divorce private so when it did come out, they made it into something bigger than it was. He said he kept it from his family but he was just saying that when he was questioned about the divorce.
Howard and Brad both said that the day they got divorced was the worst. Howard said that Brad has to be getting laid. Brad asked Howard to help him but when Howard asked him to swear that he wasn't getting laid, he couldn't do it.
Artie asked Howard if the worst day was getting divorced or telling his parents that he was dating someone new. Howard said it was the divorce thing that was the worst. He said that when he thinks about it, it makes him want to cry. Artie loved that and wanted him to cry. Brad didn't know who was talking when Artie was asking questions so he asked Howard who that was. He even goofed on Artie's voice a little bit.
Howard talked to Brad about what a great actor Peter Boyle was and how he had worked with him on Raymond. Howard read that Brad didn't think that Artie's story about Peter Boyle smoking pot was true. Artie told the story a while back and said that he smoked weed with him on the set of the show years ago when he was working on The Norm Show. Artie got into that story and said it was back in 1999 and they spoke to Peter at the commissary and Peter asked them if they wanted to get high. Brad said he must not have been a friend of his because he never asked him to get high.
Brad said he never smoked weed with Peter. He said he thought he was known for his sobriety over the past few years. Brad wasn't sure about that story and said he hung out with him a lot. Artie told Brad that the pot he had was amazing but he only took one puff of it. Howard said that maybe Peter smoked with Artie and realized he'd hit the bottom and stopped after that.
Howard said that it must have been exciting to go to Peter Boyle's funeral. Brad said that they were buddies and he really had to go. Everyone from the show showed up that day. Howard asked him about going to a celebrity funeral and if he prepares to be on TV. Howard asked him if he decides what he's going to wear. Brad said he's not all about the clothes, he doesn't care about that stuff.
Howard said that he went to the funeral for Ed Bradley and got to see a lot of celebrities there. He told Brad that if he were him, he would have put the name of his new TV show all over himself to get some coverage. Howard quickly changed subjects and asked Brad about working on Everybody Loves Raymond and how he got that deal where he got the half a point. Brad said that after 6 years of working there, it was time to renegotiate so he asked for as much as he could get. It ended up working out good and they must have felt he deserved it.
Howard asked Brad about how that half a point works. They talked about the syndication but Brad asked Howard about his half a billion that he got for doing this satellite gig. Howard didn't get into details about that. They joked around about what they have going on there and Brad mentioned the tiny security guard he's got working there. That would be Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Howard read that Brad was actually a Star Search winner and he wasn't aware of that. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Artie knew that Brad did a great Jackie Gleason impression. Brad said that Ray Romano called him and told him that when he did that impression it was like ''Jackie: The NBA years.'' Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Brad if he's ever had sex with any famous women. He said he doesn't go to parties or anything and didn't have any famous names. Howard was surprised by that and Robin didn't think he was being honest. Brad said he's not lying. Howard read that he opened for Liza Minelli and Frank Sinatra at different times in his career. Brad talked about how Frank would sing his songs and get them mixed up later in his life. He would also call him ''Greg Barrett'' when he'd introduce him. Howard read that he was fired from that gig. Brad said he wasn't really fired, he was moved to open for Liza while he thought about what he had done.
Brad said he would open up for Frank doing his comedy act. Frank Sinatra would come walking out whenever he felt like it so he had no idea how long he actually had to stay out there. He said that one day he jokingly said that they were a great audience and to ''...stick around for Frank.'' He got called into the office and was asked about the comment he had made. Brad said they asked him why he would say such a thing when they were actually there to see Frank. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard the story. Brad said he was in this meeting for about 20-25 minutes while they discussed his joke that wasn't taken as a joke.
Brad said he was sent to Reno the next night. They told him to think about what he had done. Brad said he thought about it alright. Howard said that people take things the wrong way and you can end up being killed. Frank Sinatra isn't the guy to mess with.
Howard brought up this new show Brad is on called ''Til Death.'' He's all done with ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' but Howard asked him if he still hangs out with Ray. Brad said that he's a regular guy and that's what he loves about Ray. He's the same guy he was when they started out doing the show. Howard said he does seem like a down to earth type of guy.
Howard asked Brad why he wants to put himself through the pressure of having a TV show. Brad said he wants to work, that's why he does it. Howard said he could get away with not working with the kind of money he has coming in from Raymond though. Howard also asked him about how he worked his way up in the comedy world and went over that quickly. Howard then gave Brad a plug for ''Til Death'' and said that Artie has a deal with FOX himself. Artie asked Brad if they need a fat guy on his show. Brad said that's the only thing they need at this point.
Brad told Howard about the show and what that's all about. He said the show is starting to click and they're having a good time doing it. He said that FOX lets them do what they want and they'll be moving to a time slot after American Idol starting in March.
Robin asked Brad if he got along with Patricia Heaton. Brad said he did so Robin mentioned that she's very religious so it must have been tough. Artie said he met her once but she didn't offer him weed like Peter Boyle did. Brad said they're getting beat by Telemundo at this point but he's hoping that they can get their ratings up. Howard figures they'll have more luck when they move to their new time slot. Howard told him to do his show in Spanish, maybe that would work.
Howard asked Brad if he has to share half of his future earnings with his ex-wife. Brad said she's the type of woman who doesn't want the money but he forces it on her. He said she is the mother of his kids and she is going to take that money and he doesn't seem to mind. Brad said they were married for 7 years. Robin said that Howard was married for like 20 years so maybe she deserved that 50 percent more than Brad's wife does.
Howard wished Brad luck with his show and told the fans to tune in and check out ''Till Death.'' Robin asked Brad why he never did the show when he was on Raymond. Brad said he was never asked and also said that he'd have to get past Ron out there. Howard was about to go to break when he realized he'd forgotten to take phone calls.
Howard took one call from a guy who asked Brad why he was talking down to Artie like that. He also said that his show is awful so that's why no one is watching it. The guy also said that Brad may be related to Big Foot. That led to Brad talking about how he's always been that huge size and that his mother used to tell the family that if they got separated, they should all ''meet at Brad.'' That led to Howard and Brad talking about their small penises and how they won't go to urinals. They have to hide in a stall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his show is probably going to be great if he's anything like he was on Raymond. He also said some nice words about Peter Boyle who played Brad's father on Raymond. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Bong Hit Eric said that on Howard TV Fred looks a lot younger with glasses on. Artie looks tanner and thinner on the old shows so maybe he should watch those shows. Artie said that he's got this billboard up near the Lincoln Tunnel and that makes him think about getting thin. Eric said that the fast forward and rewind on Howard TV doesn't really work that well. Howard said it works fine on his so maybe it's his cable company. He let Eric go and said that maybe since he's high all the time, he doesn't know what's going on.
Howard said he heard from Wendy the Retard and she wants to lose weight. He played the voice mail that she left for Will. In the clip she asks him about getting her some Richard Simmons tapes so she can try to lose some weight. Howard said he'd like to have Richard and Wendy in the studio so Richard could teach her there.
Wendy says that she's near 200 pounds again and wants to work out to those tapes. She doesn't have much energy and would like to start moving around again. She asked Will for Richard's phone number. Artie said they really should give her his number.
Howard said Sal made a prank call to a pizza place where he asks for pizza and sex with young boys. He played that audio clip where Sal asks for a nice delivery boy to be sent over there for him. Sal said he'd ask the young man to play around with him a little bit. The pizza guy said the guy doesn't speak very good English so Sal said that's even better. The pizza guy said he'd suck Sal off and then said he'd stick it up his ass and hung up on him.
Artie talked about the lame stuff that Rush has done on his show like his ''rules of life.'' Artie had a friend who listened to him and he'd hear it sometimes and ask what it was that was so funny. Howard did his impression of Rush and checked out his web site where he's got his lame sayings on bumper stickers. He went through some of the crap he has on his web site and wondered why he's so caught up on this Gitmo. He said that anyone who puts anything political on their car is an asshole.
Howard said they should do an experiment and put various bumper stickers on their cars to see what kind of damage is done to them. Artie said that they could put one on their car that says ''I love nig*ers'' and that would piss everyone off.
Howard said that Ronnie has all kinds of stickers on his car. Artie said he had a Yankees sticker on his car when he was like 17 but after a year he thought that was kind of goofy. Howard said it's like people are just looking for trouble. Howard said his father used to ask why people would put bumper stickers on their car because they're bound to upset someone. Artie agreed and said that those people are usually confrontational people. Ronnie is confrontational so he fits right into that description.
Howard mentioned that he had watched that movie ''The Departed'' with his 21 year old daughter and it was very uncomfortable when there was a sex scene. He said he ended up talking during the scene to get through it. He said they were laying in bed watching it too so it was kind of awkward. He said the TV in his living room was broken again so they had to watch it in the bedroom instead. He said he blew up on the phone with the guy and he did that in front of his daughter.
Howard said that the TV picture goes out half way through the movie every time. Robin said the TV is probably overheating because it's a projector that's in a confined space. She said they need to put that thing in a freezer or something. Howard said they shouldn't sell it to him if it's not going to work.
Howard said they have a Sybian special up on Howard TV this month. The show is over an hour and a half and they recap a lot of show moments and things like that.
Howard said someone sent them a note about all of the crap that Artie ate in one day and how it added up to over 5000 calories. He read through that list where the person added up all of the calories. Howard said it sounded wrong to him because the portions weren't the right ones for Artie. The guy was underestimating it a little bit.
Howard said he got a note from Jimmy Kimmel who was asking for the right to sell ring tones of Howard's son screaming. Howard had no idea what he was talking about so Jason came in and explained that quickly. It was a discussion they had about Michael Devlin or something like that but Howard still had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard said there's a site out there dedicated to guys getting their balls smashed and it was pretty freaky. He said the site is called BallKick.com. Robin thought it was faked when she saw a woman smashing a guy's penis. Howard said he doesn't think it's faked at all.
Gary brought in Bob Saget and they got right into a discussion about Artie's heroin use. Bob had apparently said that the heroin use was retarded. That led to them talking about the time that Bob and Artie had met for the first time and Artie was buying drugs from some Mexican guy at this pool hall.
Bob told the guys about how Chris Farley was in that movie ''Dirty Work'' and they tried to keep him off of drugs but it wasn't easy. Artie said he didn't do any drugs with Farley but he did see him with his ''handler'' who was hired to keep him off of drugs. That didn't work. Artie told the story about getting a hooker up in Canada and how he ended up paying her about $800 because he didn't know what that Canadian money was worth at the time.
Bob asked Howard if his kids ever go off on him for stuff he does. Howard explained that TV story he had just told where he freaked out on the TV guy. Howard said he just got bummed out after the TV failed so that's why he went off on the guy. He said his daughter got upset with him for doing that.
Howard asked Bob about this new movie ''Farce of the Penguins'' that he's got out. He didn't let him answer before asking Bob about his TV show ''One Vs. One Hundred'' as well. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard switched to Bob's girlfriend. Bob was saying that she's a wonderful girl and he cares about her but he's not sure if he's going to marry her. He said his daughters like her. She's only 26 years old and Bob is 50. Artie thought he was like 55.
Artie had another story about Bob and a flat tire but Bob said he told that a couple of years ago. Artie told another story about seeing one of the Olsen twins at a concert one time. He said he saw her making out with some dude and may have seen her doing something else that he wouldn't bring up on the air. Bob said he thinks of those girls as his own kids at this point. Artie said that he won't say what it was that she may or may not have been doing but someone has to get them under control.
Artie told a story about Bob and Norm MacDonald going on a golfing trip when they were promoting ''Dirty Work.'' They all went to a golf thing and Bob was driving his car at like 120 on the way back to the city. They get to Manhattan and Bob makes a turn like he was Starsky and Hutch. He ends up blowing out a tire on a pot hole. This was Artie's car. Artie said they found a guy who was driving a tow truck and he helped them get back. Norm went over and talked to the guy and came back saying that the guy just wanted an autograph from Bob Saget because he was a big fan. It turns out the guy didn't have a clue who Bob was. The guy demanded $800 instead of an autograph. Bob didn't have any cash on him so Artie had to go get some money. He said that Bob never paid him back either. He said Bob still owes him $150 from 10 years ago.
Bob talked about this movie ''Farce of the Penguins'' that he put together. He said they got a bunch of stars to do voices for it and he thinks it's very funny. Artie wanted a part in it but Bob never called him. He said he just wants that buck fifty that Bob owes him. Bob said that the movie is filthy and they have the Penguins fuckin within a short amount of time.
Howard played some audio from the penguin movie and then took a call from Hook Nose Mike. Mike asked Bob if he got any extra activity while working on ''Entourage'' with a bunch of hot chicks. Bob said he didn't get any of those girls.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she saw his TV show the other day where they used Howard in a question. That led to Bob saying that they actually cut out his comments where he defended Howard in that show. Howard. That led to Bob talking about how the show can sometimes take 3 hours to shoot because of technical problems. Mariann said that she still watches ''Full House'' and started to say something to Artie when Howard hung up on her.
Another caller told Howard that Bob is a great guy and a good comic but he's really got to make a movie that people can actually watch. He was just busting balls though. Howard gave Bob a plug for this ''Farce of the Penguins'' thing and said it's coming out on DVD tomorrow. They spent a couple more minutes on that and talking about Bob's parents. Bob said that they're in their 80s and still alive but his father has been sick lately.
Howard had a voice mail from Gary the Retard where he was yelling at Artie. He wasn't even sure what the yelling was about. Gary was calling Artie names and cursing him out saying he's nothing but a piece of shit and things like that. Artie said that was literally a wake up call for him to lose some weight.
Howard mentioned the Miss Black Howard Stern contest they have going on. He got in a plug for the sponsor of that contest, Clips4Sale.com, and talked about how he always ends up watching just short pieces of porn movies when he does watch them.
Howard had an audio clip of Gary the Retard singing some songs in the car while some of the guys were driving from one gig to another. Shuli came in and said that Gary would finish the songs that they would start like he had no control over it. Howard wondered if they spend so much time with those guys that they learn new things about them.
Shuli said that there was a time when Gary the Retard grabbed Richard Christy's hair and had his head pulled back because they were goofing on him so much. Shuli said that Sal and Richard were jerking him around tying a string to a piece of pizza and dragging it around. He said there was one time when he was on the phone telling Gary that he was a cop and he was going to pull him over if he didn't sing some Johnny Cash song.
Howard said they must have to know what songs Gary knows before they have him sing them. Shuli said that is the thing they have to figure out. Howard figured they were going to create a game show out of that whole thing. They'd have Gary in and they'd have to guess if he could sing the song or not. Shuli said that Gary's arms are flailing around because he gets so excited about singing.
Gary the Retard's birthday is coming up soon and he's 55 years old. Shuli said that they found Bob Levy revealed another word he can't pronounce. He says ''foots prints'' instead of foot prints when asked. Shuli said Gary the Retard was able to say it but Bob wasn't.
Shuli said that Sal and Richard still do their Shoo Shoo, Retarded Flu bit with Gary the Retard but they usually end up goofing on Bob Levy instead. Howard asked Shuli how Jim Florentine is doing. Shuli said he's getting better and doing good now. Artie said that Jim did great at the shows he was at with him. Shuli said he did a couple of the best sets he's ever seen.
Howard took a call from a guy who got to tour the studio not too long ago. He said he had a great time up there but Robin was kind of snooty when he was there. He said she just ignored them and walked away instead of coming out to say hello. Robin didn't remember that and apologized for not coming out. Howard said that Robin was snooty long before she was rich so she's always been that way. Howard had to hang up on that guy when he started to do an impression of King of All Blacks that was pretty bad.
Howard said that Richard Christy's father got a cold and left Richard a message explaining how he got it while hunting. He played the clip and Mr. Christy hocks something up while leaving the message. He said their dog got up and ate the rabbit they had shot and cooked up. Howard said he likes how he had to call Richard and hock stuff up to let him know how sick he was.
Howard brought up a story about a hunter who had shot a duck and brought it home to cook. The duck ended up living in the refrigerator and the wife of the hunter felt so bad she brought it to a vet who fixed it up. Robin said that the duck died again when they gave it anesthesia and it had a bad reaction to it. The vet brought it back and now they're saying it will recover fully and be released back into the wild. They spent a short time talking about that story. Howard wondered what Richard Christy's father would do if that happened to him. Artie said that they'd probably worship it as if it was some kind of enchanted duck.
Howard heard that Sal and Richard were messing around with each other and pissing on each other. There was a whole story there. Gary said he saw close ups of their penises as they were pissing into bottles. The Howard TV guys were showing Howard what went on and he had to ask them to shut it off. Richard said that they were pissing in the bottles and Sal pissed on his penis so he pissed on Sal's jeans. Shuli missed all of that because he was out on stage with Bob Levy. Levy was puking all over the stage because he had been drinking all night. Shuli said Bob did the blue cheese dressing thing and the woman's ass was so gross that it made him puke.
Howard thought Bob was giving up the blue cheese thing. Shuli said that's like him giving up smoking, it's never going to happen. Bob was on the phone so Howard asked him what was going on. Bob said that the Sal and Richard thing is getting out of hand and he's not the wild one at these shows. Sal said that Richard liked getting pissed on from what he could tell. He didn't run from his pee, he stood there and moved into it.
Howard asked Bob about saying the word footprints. Bob tried saying it and it came out as ''Footsprints.'' Bob said he finds new words every week. Howard had Bob trying to say it a few times but he just couldn't get it out without saying footsprints.
Shuli said that Richard has been drinking a lot when they fly out. He drinks before the flight and then drinks more on the flight. Richard said he hates flying and he has to drink like that. Shuli said that Richard passes out before doing the shows. He's been drinking way too much. Richard said he wouldn't do that if they took a bus somewhere. He only drinks because he flies. Howard asked Richard if he could go without drinking for three weeks. Richard thinks he could do that.
Richard said that Levy makes weird noises as he's about to puke and he does that at every show. Artie said that Levy is not long for this world because he's so unhealthy. He warned Bob that he should tell his son that he might not be around. He said Bob actually out drinks him. Bob was amazed when he heard that it was Artie saying that to him. Richard said that Bob was drinking a lot of vodka and eating pizza in a smoky room. Bob said he's going to try and get things together after Vegas. Artie asked Bob to please not get him kicked out of the show in Vegas.
Howard let bob go and got back to Steve. Steve said that they have some news about Sal the Stockbroker's act over the weekend. They heard that Sal was insulting Beth again in his act. Howard asked Sal if that was true. Sal said he does the same joke he did during a roast. He said the joke is already on TV and he's not trying to insult Beth. Sal said that he'll stop doing it now because he didn't like the look Howard was giving him. Howard told him to do whatever he wants.
Gary said that Sal is not being truthful because he starts the horse references in his act. Gary said he does the horse thing in the act. Sal admitted to it and said that he'll stop it if he doesn't want him to do it. Howard said that he's already done it and he might as well continue it.
Howard said he heard that Sal's act has gotten kind of dark and not so funny these days. Shuli said that Sal came up to him back stage one time and asked him for some advice on one of his jokes where he uses the term ''sand nig*er'' and Shuli tried to help him by saying that maybe he should use the term ''terrorists'' instead. Sal went into a whole discussion about why he uses that term. His defense wasn't all that great.
The guys told Sal to do some of the jokes he told out in Detroit over the weekend. Sal told one that no one reacted to at all about how even the snow out there was black. Howard told Sal that he's going to start telling jokes about his wife since he's still goofing on his girlfriend. Sal said he's going to stop the jokes about Beth then. He said that Sal lied to Beth when he said he wasn't doing that material anymore. He wondered why Sal lies about that and said that he's a pussy and a liar for telling Beth to her face that he was doing that stuff.
Howard told Sal to get some fucking balls on him and tell Beth the truth about what he's doing. Howard said he'd a weasel. Sal said the joke is already on Howard TV so it's a joke he's already done. He told Sal to call Beth and be a man by telling her what he's doing. Howard said he doesn't care what Sal says about his girlfriend but he should be ready for him to give that back to him. He asked Sal to admit he's a coward so that's what Sal eventually did. Howard told him to go back to his room, put on a dress and lick his own clit.
The guys spent a little more time on that and then got back to Steve Langford. Steve said that they read that Paris Hilton had a note about the Beetlejuice web site JollyDwarf.com so she may be a fan of his. Steve also said that they're doing a special on Howard 101 about Road Head at 7pm Eastern time.
Howard took a call from a guy who saw him at the Knicks game over the weekend. He said it was nice to see him at a sporting event instead of talking about the gay TV shows he watches. Howard joked that he was actually there blowing a guy. He said Patrick Ewing sat next to him at the game and said hello at one point. The guys spent a short time talking about that and also about how Shaq made an arrest over the weekend when a drunk driver hit his car.
Howard had Jon Hein give his show rundown. Jon went through the stories that he was going to be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They talked about Brad Garrett for a short time. Howard interrupted the conversation to take a call from Wendy the Retard who was watching a 7 month old baby. Wendy was talking to the baby off the phone. Will came in and told him that Wendy was there with a 4 year old and a 7 month old all alone. Howard found it hard to believe that she was able to do that alone. Wendy said she's going to be there alone until about noon.
Howard asked Wendy what she does if the baby starts to choke. She knew that she has to call 911. She even knew the right number to call if that happens. He had her pretend to call 911 so he could hear what she would say if the 911 operator asked her what was going on. She almost gave out her address at one point.
Wendy told Howard that she knows to hold or rock the baby if it won't stop crying. Howard thought she sounded pretty good with this stuff. Robin wasn't so sure about that though. Wendy started singing to the baby and it started to grab her nose. Howard said that if any woman ever says it's hard to raise a kid, he's going to play this clip for them.
Howard said he wouldn't leave Wendy with his pet fish if he had one. He got back to Jon Hein and had him wrap up his show preview. Jon went through a few more subjects and mentioned the whole Sal thing that had just gone on. That led to Howard and the guys talking more about what Sal had said earlier and how Howard was going to drag Sal's wife into the whole thing. Howard said he wasn't really going to do that to her. He said he'd be honest if he was going to do such a thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Sal thing. That led to Gary telling Howard that Sal apparently brings that horse reference up more than one time during his act. Howard said he feels really awkward about the whole thing because he heard Sal telling her he doesn't do that stuff anymore and now he knows he does. He knows it's going to get back to Beth and it hurts her when she hears that stuff. He had Robin start her news after that.
Ralph called in and asked Fred about why he had played a snoring sound while Artie was telling a story earlier. He wondered if it was because Artie was boring or because there were people sleeping in the story. Fred said it was the first one. Artie didn't think the story was that boring though.
Ralph also brought up how one of the Scores girls picture was in the newspaper after her alleged prostitution charges. He thinks that's going to ruin her life. Howard agreed and said that she hasn't been proven guilty so it really is wrong to do something like that. Ralph said that it's a victimless crime and they really should just leave them alone in that place.
Howard and Ralph talked about that story for a short time and Howard said he has to check out that paper to see which girl it is. He didn't have the right paper so Robin said she'd give it to him later, after the show.
Robin mentioned a story about a local news broadcaster in New York City dating Phil Collins. That led to Artie saying that Phil's song ''Abacab'' saved him in high school because if he had a multiple choice test, he'd always fill out the answers ABACAB and he'd always get a C on the test. He swore that's what he really did too. Fred played a couple of Phil Collins songs while they were talking about that stuff. Artie had a sentimental link to the song ''Salisbury Hill'' so he explained that it was the line ''Grab your things, I've come to take you home with me...'' that makes him think of the first time he ever overdosed. He said whenever he hears that song, that's what he thinks of.
Artie had to run out of the studio at one point because he had a bathroom emergency. No one knew where he was going but as he was running out, Fred played an elephant sound clip that Artie heard on his way to the bathroom. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show saying that he missed the Miss America pageant last night. He and Robin talked about how it's on the Nashville channel or something like that. Howard also mentioned that Artie is out sick again today and Gary is saying that he thinks he's really sick and not back on the stuff again. Howard and Robin want to think the best and don't want to think he's on drugs.
Howard wants to take a list of all of the stuff Artie eats and put all of the crap he eats in a big bowl to see how much it is and what it looks like. It could make Artie sick just looking at it. That worked for a fan who wrote in and told them he lost 100 pounds after doing that.
Howard played another clip where they played some of the questions that they were asking the women and one of them was about overturning Roe Vs. Wade. Howard answered the question as if he were one of the contestants with a dopey answer. They also asked one question ''Did you ever eat a cow that you knew personally?'' Robin thought that was kind of odd.
Howard played a clip where a contestant talked about how she wanted to be Cinderella when asked what fairy tale character she would want to be. Then she went into her story about how she got into the pageant and started breaking down and crying. Howard then answered it doing his contestant character. In another clip a contestant was asked if she prays to be taller since she was wishing that she was 3 inches taller. She doesn't pray to be taller but one of the judges said ''Thank goodness...'' when he heard that.
The contestants were getting all preachy with their speeches and comments to the judges. Howard said he used to watch the pageant when he was a kid and some of the talents were twirling batons and stuff like that. He said some chicks would even shoot rifles or twirl a rope. He said he likes the beauty pageants they have on his show because the women can do whatever they want. They can queef if that's their talent.
Howard played a clip where a contestant was asked how she would change the fact that women get paid less than men in this country. She said that becoming Miss America and showing that women can be strong is the way she would do that. Gary told Howard that she was actually the woman who won the pageant. Howard said he'd love to get up on stage and give a speech. He'd like to say that he's a woman who wants to fuck guys to get her money.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about Brad Garrett's appearance yesterday. A lot of people enjoyed the interview but there were also a lot who didn't know who the guy was. Even though he was on a hit TV show like ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' people still didn't know who he was.
Howard said he's worn out from working out and stuff after the show yesterday. He asked Robin if she's been working out. She said she has been working out and wants to run in the NYC Marathon this year. Howard asked her if she's running outside. She said there's no way she's running in this cold. Howard said he used to do that but he wondered what he was doing and put a stop to it.
Howard said he was reading an article about Bubba in Muscle and Fitness and they showed him wearing his old fat pants. He and Robin talked about that and also about Bubba's wedding. Howard said Bubba's wedding photographer took a picture of he and Beth making out at the wedding. Bubba took it and had it blown up to the size of a computer screen. He's not sure what he's going to do with it though. He didn't want to hang it up in his apartment because he doesn't want to be reminded about how ugly he is. He said he gets mail about how the only reason he's with Beth is because he has money.
Howard played some clips of Sal talking about the whole thing on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said that Sal starts using big words when he's defending himself. He was saying something about not using jokes about Beth ''in that vicinity'' if he knew that she'd be upset. Howard said that Sal is really desperate when it comes to that stuff.
Howard threatened to talk about Sal's wife when he was talking to him during the show yesterday but he would never really do that. Howard and Robin spent a minute on that and then played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where a caller said that he can't believe that Gary would ever let his daughter date a black guy... if he had a daughter. Gary said he wouldn't have a problem with it but the caller refused to believe that. Gary also said that Howard would not have a problem with it if his daughter dated a black guy. Howard said he's not sure why Gary thinks he's an expert on him. He said that Gary doesn't know for a fact that he wouldn't have that problem. He said he wouldn't have a problem with it, but Gary can't claim that he knows for a fact that he wouldn't.
Howard said that Sal is trying to avoid him now. Gary said Sal asked him what to do yesterday and he told him to just go away. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Sal's work. Robin heard that he saw Sal as he was walking past the Wrap Up Show yesterday and gave him a dirty look. Howard said he was just joking around when he did that but you do have to straighten Sal out once in a while.
Howard said that Bam Margera is coming in this morning. He's apparently getting married on MTV even though his girlfriend doesn't want to. He also mentioned that Sarah Silverman is coming in to promote her Comedy Central TV show. He said the show is really weird but very good.
Howard figures that JD has nothing to say on the phone. He said he can picture that conversation. He did his impression of JD talking to Kimberly Kane and he really has nothing to say at all. He figures that's why she text messages him instead of talking to him. He said he'd love to hear those conversations though.
Howard said that Kimberly must be so damaged that she has to have a guy who is so wimpy that she can boss him around. He said it must be great for her to have a guy who is so powerless. JD is the closest thing she can find to a woman while still being a man. Howard asked JD what he talks to her about. JD laughed and said he doesn't know, just stupid things. Howard wondered what his magic is with this chick. JD didn't know. He never knows.
Robin asked JD what he did when he met Kimberly out in Vegas. He said they hugged and kissed but other than that it was ''I don't know.'' Fred did his impression of JD and goofed on him a little bit. Howard said that maybe JD is good in bed or something, he's not sure what the magic is there though.
Howard asked JD what his secret is and then played a bunch of clips of him mumbling and stumbling over what he wants to say. JD said he doesn't even need to be in the room anymore since they have those clips. Howard said it looks like JD has gained a few pounds. He had him lift up his shirt and told him he's looking pretty soft. JD said he's 5'10'' tall and weighs about 175 pounds. Robin said there's no way he's that tall because he's barely taller than she is. JD wasn't even sure how tall he was. Benjy said that he's only 5'8'' or so and didn't think that JD was that tall. The two of them stood back to back and JD was about the same height.
Howard thought it was weird to lie about his height like that. Mike Gange came in and measured his height. He found that he's 5'9'' tall with shoes on. It wasn't very scientific according to Howard but he took it for what it was.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered if they like getting back to doing the show the way it used to be when Artie is out sick. The guy said he likes hearing Robin more when Artie is out. Howard said it is a different dynamic when he's there but he enjoys it both ways. He misses Artie when he's away and thinks he's great when he's there. The caller asked if they'll ever hear Grandma Caprio again. Howard said he will do it but Artie gets really upset when he does that voice.
The caller asked if they've settled on a roast yet. Howard said they have a lot of ideas for that but there were a lot of people who wrote in and told him not to do any more roasts at all. Howard said he loves the roasts and thought that everyone loved them. The caller asked if he could get put on a list for the next roast. Howard didn't have a list to put him on so the guy asked if he could get a tour of the studio or something. Howard put him on hold and told Gary to take care of that.
Robin heard one of JD's whoops when he laughed and said she loves that. Howard said he hears that all day long there at SIRIUS. That led to Howard playing a couple of the JD song parodies with his whoop in them. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man has been very busy lately creating songs so he played some of those. He had Eric the Midget singing the song ''Lollipop'' and a couple of new Riley Martin parodies.
Howard replayed the Sal the Stockbroker prank call that he played yesterday a couple of times. This is the one where Sal calls a pizza place asking for a delivery boy to be sent to his place so he can fuck him.
Howard asked JD what he was in there for. He had a clip of Sarah Silverman being bleeped on Conan O'Brien's show when she said ''retard.'' Howard played the clip where Sarah was singing a song and said she wishes that retards were ''re-smarted'' and there was a big hole when they muted the sound on NBC. Howard said that's like when they used to bleep him on K-Rock.
Howard found all of his JD whoop song parodies so he played through a bunch of them. He said that might be what Kimberly Kane is into. Maybe she likes that whoop. A caller asked Howard what she possibly sees in JD. Howard said it must be a safe haven for her and JD is the opposite of what she has in the porn industry. Robin said that the porn guys probably want her doing stuff with them while JD doesn't demand anything from her at all. The caller said it's like the opposite of a movie where the ugly chick gets changed into a hot chick and gets the man she's after.
Howard said he shouldn't have such a high score in chess because he was so bad at what he was doing. Howard said he now has a workbook to help him out and now it's starting to feel like he's back in school. There are people who know all of the names of the moves and he's not quite into it that much. Robin wondered what he's going to do with this knowledge. Howard said it's like getting into golf and being one of those guys who sucks no matter how long they play. He said his uncle Bob used to play and he was always bad. He even died on the course. The guy refused to take lessons though. Some guys just want to go out and get some fresh air. Howard isn't like that, he wants to see what his true ability is with the game. He wants to live up to that potential.
Howard said he plays the game for the glory of it. He said he always gets beaten though. Robin doesn't understand his goal. Howard said he just likes the game and he wants to play it well. She doesn't think that he should waste so much time studying it though. Howard said it's like a puzzle to him and it makes him happy to do that. He just wants to be good at it.
JD said he played in the Stupid Bowl the other day and he was in it to win it so he gets what Howard is talking about. That Stupid Bowl is going to be on Howard TV this weekend for the Super Bowl.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the best way to learn is to play speed chess. Howard said this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. He hung up on him a short time later. Howard said the best way to learn is to play slow so you learn the moves. Robin said the thing that gets to her is that the guys playing in the park are not the studying types. Howard said that's because they've just played thousands of games. He has a life and he has to learn by studying, not by playing thousands of games in the park.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how long he's been playing chess. Howard said it's been since August. The guy asked if he's playing 20 hours a week or more. Howard said it's not nearly that much. The guy wondered if Howard thinks he's going to get better playing the way he does. Howard said he'd like to be at a 1550 score by the end of the year. That would make him happy. The guy asked him if he's going to stick with it. Howard said he guesses so but then asked the guy ''What the fuck? What is this, Meet the Press?'' The caller said he was just trying to get on the air and he used those questions to get on. Then he asked Howard what weighs more, Robin's left tit or a baby elephant. Howard wasn't sure, he has no idea what either of those things weigh.
The caller told JD that he thinks he's pulling the wool over everyone's eyes and he's really not the geeky guy everyone thinks he is. JD said he is ''more better'' when he's not in front of cameras and lights and stuff. Robin said he's the same out in the hall as he is in the studio though. The caller said he's not even able to complete a coherent sentence.
Howard found out that a newborn baby elephant weighs 250-300 pounds so Robin's tit doesn't weigh nearly that much. He let that caller go and took another call from a guy who said he's been waiting for this Van Halen reunion to come along for a long time now. That led to the guys talking about how bad Eddie is looking these days. He's on the cover of Guitar World magazine and looking really bad according to Robin and the caller. They also talked about how bad David Lee Roth is looking these days as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked JD what kind of truck his father drives. JD said he's not sure what brand the truck it is. He said he's been in the truck but he's not sure what it was. Howard went to break a short time later.
Gary said that his son sees Bam in commercials and from the Tony Hawk video games. Gary said all of his friends know that he knows Bam so they think he's really cool. Howard asked Bam if the success of Jackass Number Two took him by surprise. Bam said they knew it was going to be a hit because they did so much great stuff in the first 10 days of shooting.
Howard moved on to Missy and asked her if she was the hot chick in high school that Bam never had a chance with. She said she didn't know about that. Bam said there were about four girls in high school that he would have loved to be with but he was too busy skating. He missed out on the keg parties and stuff like that back then. Missy said she enjoyed those things. She said she was friends with Bam in high school but they didn't date. Howard figured Bam went off and did his thing while she was doing her thing.
Howard wondered when Bam and Missy got together. Bam said he was shooting some stuff for one of his videos and ran into her in a bar. He had a camera crew with him so that probably impressed her. Bam said that his girlfriend and Missy's boyfriend kept them from seeing each other because they knew how much they liked each other. Bam said he broke up with his girlfriend and then found out that Missy had broken up with her boyfriend. She gave him a call as he was going down to Brazil so he told her he'd be back in 10 days. When he got back, they got together and that was it, they've been together since then.
Howard thought that Bam was going to change his ways for Missy but she said she wouldn't want him to do that. She said she can handle his partying up to a point. Sometimes she just has to let him go do what he wants to do. Howard said Missy's parents must be worried about her marrying Bam. She said her mother has known Bam for a long time and she doesn't have a problem with it. Her father passed away about 6 years ago and he was a big fan of Howard's.
Howard asked Missy if Bam is the best lover she's ever had. She said ''absolutely'' and that he's very creative. Bam said that he's figured out a way to hump in the car while he's driving. He said she sits on his lap and faces the road as he's banging her. Robin wondered how that comes up and how he breaks the news to her. Bam said that they go to this lingerie shop and he gets all worked up from that. He told a story about seeing a couple of homo thugs at that store one day. He said they were a couple of thug-types who were trying on panties and stuff.
Howard said that Missy is pretty wild because she let Bam take nude shots of her for Playboy.com. He asked her about the sex again and wanted to understand what they do in the car. Bam pulls his pants down and missy sits on his lap while he's driving. Bam said her legs are in the middle of Bam's legs and they have plenty of room as long as they're driving the Hummer. Bam said he lives out in the woods and doesn't have to deal with traffic. Howard asked them to demonstrate the position so they could get an idea of what that looks like. They showed Howard and he said they're very talented to be able to do something like that. Howard said he's trained to do a very simple position so he can get it done quick before the girl changes her mind.
Bam talked about this TV show they're doing. They have 9 shows that they're doing but they've already been asked to do a second season. Howard asked Missy if she wears sexy outfits for the show. She said she will do that for certain times like when they go out at night, but she tries to keep it real. Howard said that these marriage shows don't always work out. The Jessica Simpson show is a good example of that. Bam said that he and Missy are different because she isn't a celebrity. She doesn't even care to be on TV.
Howard asked Bam if he wants to keep his girlfriend working in the sign shop she works in. Bam said that she's been asked to do Maxim and other magazines. Missy said she likes working in the sign shop so she does that for fun. Howard said that Bam must have women who throw themselves at him and wondered if they're going to take him away from her. Bam said that he told Missy that he wanted to get a Real Doll so he could do anything he wants to her. Bam said that Missy actually ordered the doll for him and he hasn't gotten it yet. He said he thinks that his roommates are going to be fucking the thing when he goes off to do his thing.
Howard asked Bam if he's having the best life. Bam was telling him about all of the people he has living with him and it sounded like a lot of fun. Howard asked him if he had a bachelor party. He said he already had it and it was wild. He said that Missy went to some spa while he went out to Vegas where he had a room with a bowling alley and a bartender. He said there were three ''lezzies'' eating each other out when he woke up from a nap. Then he sees that Don Vito had shit his pants after getting drunk.
Bam said he didn't have sex out there but he did watch the hot chicks having sex. He claims that MTV set up the girls for him. He told Howard about all of the crazy shit that went on at the hotel room that night. He threw a bowling ball at one of the guy's balls and ass and he ended up shitting himself.
Bam says their wedding is going to be pretty mellow and small. He said he plans on living out in Westchester, Pennsylvania. He doesn't want to live out in L.A. because he'd be stuck with all of the traffic out there. Howard asked Missy if she's ever done any lesbian stuff in her life. Bam said that she ate out some chick in high school but she claims she just made out with her. Bam said that if you start bringing chicks into the relationship, it can ruin it. Howard agreed but he has talked to her about it.
Robin asked Bam and Missy if they're going to have kids. Bam said it won't be for the first couple of years. He said he doesn't need a little ''me'' running around doing Jackass shit like he does. He's not ready for that. Howard asked Missy if she's worried about Bam doing the stunts and stuff he does. She said she is worried about that but she wouldn't leave him if he did get paralyzed or something. That led to Bam talking about the limits he has for the stunts he does in the Jackass movies. He said he doesn't want to be trampled by a bull like Johnny Knoxville does. He said Johnny does not give a shit about anything and that's why he's the boss. He gets a lot of money to do movies and stuff but he wants to see him getting kicked in the dick and stuff like that.
Bam said he regrets not doing crazy stuff if he doesn't do it. If he goes to New Zealand and sees a really high bridge, he has to jump off of it or he'll regret it. Howard gave him a plug for his TV show ''Bam Margera's Holy Wedding'' which airs tonight on MTV.
Irish John called in and asked Bam about some crazy ex-girlfriend who was selling his stuff on eBay.com. Bam said that kind of pissed him off and he tried to get some of the stuff back. He said that they had a pretty bad coke habit and she may have been out of money so she may have been selling it to make money. He said he hopes that she's able to clean up if she's still on the stuff. He said he's happy he's with Missy because she hates that shit. She doesn't do that stuff and barely drinks.
Bam said that he gave his ex-girlfriend an Audi as a gift when they broke up. She ended up wrapping the car around a tree and the cops ended up coming to his house thinking that it was him who wrecked the car. He was in Germany at the time. Bam also said that their relationship was kind of rough. They ended up fighting a lot and he fell on his neck at one point and figured that she was going to feel bad about it but she ended up throwing a glass at him. Howard read that Bam cut off all of her hair one time. Bam said she was laughing while he was doing it at the time. Then she got pissed after it and made it seem like he did it without her consent.
Howard asked Bam if he video tapes their sex together. Bam said he does do that and he keeps the tapes in a safe. Bam said he uses a fish-eye lens to make sure he gets all the action in those videos. Bam said there's one where Missy had a cat mask on that was pretty wild.
Howard gave Bam another plug for his show which starts tonight. A caller asked Bam about the brands he has on his ass. He got his ass branded with penises and he ended up getting a staff infection from that whole thing. Howard asked Bam about the gay stuff they did for the Jackass movie. Bam said he did one thing called Anal Bead Kite where he put anal beads up his ass and had a kite rip them out of there. He said that didn't make it into the movie because it was too gay.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why those guys do so much gay stuff and why they don't just suck each other's dicks. Bam said that he thinks a guy being naked and dropping into a ramp is funnier than a guy wearing clothes. Howard agreed that it's funnier when they're naked. Another caller asked what's going on with Don Vito and his lawsuit. Bam said that these ''Colorado motherfuckers'' are dragging out this case longer than they should. He explained what Don does when he has his picture taken and how he accidentally touched a girl's boob and now they're making a big deal out of it. He said they had to take him out of the Jackass movie because of that and they did a great bit where they ripped Don's tooth out with his Lamborghini.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Bam has a home sex tape out. Bam said he did release a little bit of him having sex with his old girlfriend on CKY 4 but it's only about 30 seconds. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Missy if she's ever licked Bam's ass. She doesn't usually do that but if Bam wanted it, she said she wouldn't deny him. Howard said he's never had a woman who wanted to do that to him so he's never experienced it. Howard said it can't taste good back there and it's got to make a girl nauseous.
Howard said Missy looks like a really fun girl. She thanked him for that and then Howard was going to take another call. Robin wanted to know what kind of ring he got for her though. Bam said he spent about $50,000 on the ring and another $15,000 on the wedding band. He said she's all blinged up now. He sounded angry that he had spent that much on that stuff. Missy said she did buy him that Real Doll though. That led to Howard and Fred talking about how they fucked the Real Doll they had back at K-Rock. Howard said that you have to clean up that doll after you bang it and it's not fun.
Howard took another call from a guy who said they have to get Missy on the Sybian. She wasn't into that and Howard understood why she didn't want to. He wrapped up with them after that and gave them another plug for the TV show. He asked Missy if Bam is ever normal or if he's crazy all the time. She said he's most normal when he wakes up in the morning. He gets crazier as the day goes on. Bam told Howard that he had a friend who wanted to be his Best Man and he said he could do that if he let him punch him in the eyes until they were black and blue. He let him do that too. Howard said he'll be watching their show. They went to break after that.
He quickly mentioned that Artie was out sick again today. He said he hopes he'll be back soon. Gary came in and said that the illness started out as a stomach virus and turned into a nasty cough. He didn't have a recording of the call he got from Artie though.
Howard said that George Lopez was on a radio show and blasted Jay Leno. He played the audio from that show where George said that Jay is the biggest two faced dude in show business. He said Jay was a nice guy on the phone and then put a knife in his back by going through his producers. George said that he doesn't get why Jay is leaving the Tonight Show and leaving it to Conan O'Brien the way he is. George was also saying that he thinks Jay is the worst interviewer on TV. He goofed on him saying that he was reading a card when he was interviewing him after his transplant. George said that Letterman, Conan and Kimmel are all great while Leno isn't.
Howard wasn't sure why George was so upset with Jay. Robin thinks that they didn't let him on the show or something. Howard said that he's not a fan of Jay as a human being because of the Stuttering John thing. He said that john is a good guy but he's kind of glad he's gone because they were able to hire on Sal and Richard who are doing a great job there. He said it was kind of creepy the way they stole John away from the show though.
Howard talked about how Jay called him after they stole John away and didn't understand why he was so upset about it. Howard said Jay had some people stolen away from his show one time and he apparently freaked out about that when it happened to him. He should know how he feels. Howard said he would never hold John back from leaving the show but it was the way they went about it that pissed him off. He said he told Jay that if he was going to steal someone from his show, he'd let him know ahead of time. He thinks the guy has a mental problem and he's not cool. He doesn't care if he never has him on his show again.
Howard said he is talking about stealing Oprah's friend Gayle King but he's being up front about that whole thing. He said he can't beat Oprah at her own game though so that may never happen. Howard played some edited clips of Leno saying some dirty stuff. He played through some of those and then played some Ed McMahon clips that Richard had edited together. He had Ed saying ''Zsa Zsa Gabor has mammoth cunt lips.'' Howard liked that one and played another one where Ed talks about jacking off someone while Johnny watched. There was another one where he says Johnny loved shitting on Lonnie Anderson's tits.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if anyone had thought that maybe the reason Kimberly Kane is with JD is because she's getting a ton of publicity from it. Howard sarcastically said they never thought of that. The caller also suggested that they have Artie take a drug test. Howard said he really thinks that Artie is just sick and can't believe that he would be back on drugs. Robin said that he really loves the stuff and he misses it so that amazes her. Howard said he would be shocked if Artie said he was back on heroin. He also doesn't think that he'd be so fat if he was back on drugs like that.
Lisa said that Bubba has a jacket up on eBay that he's trying to sell. She said that one of the bids was up around $7,000. They'll be looking into that and giving a report. That led to Howard talking about being down in Tampa for Bubba's wedding and the cab driver knew who Bubba was when they pulled up to the studio. They call it the Power Pig station or something like that. Robin said Bubba really was connected down there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary had made it sound like Howard's daughter had dated a black guy. Howard said that is the way it came off down there. He said Gary is not a very good communicator. He spent a minute talking about that and calling Gary stupid for doing that. He goofed on him about the way he types because he was watching him doing that with his two fingers in his office.
The caller who was on the line asked Howard if he would be upset if his daughter dated a black guy. Howard said it all depends on what kind of guy he was. If he's going to beat her with a sneaker, he wouldn't be into that. Howard said he doesn't think that any of them have dated black guys but it's possible.
Howard also played the prank call that the guys made to G. Gordon Liddy's radio show. Howard said that one might be his favorite radio prank. Sal has his brother, Crackhead Bob, asking Gordon some questions while he was over in Israel doing his radio show. After that call Howard played another one where Richard called a sports show and said he had a football stuck up his shitpipe. They said they couldn't help him out with that. Sal then called in doing his black guy voice and asked who the white girl was. He said that he thinks that the girl wanted some good old fashioned black balls. The guys on the show got back to sports talk and then took another phone call. It was Sal again. Everyone on the show would go ''WHOaaaa'' when they'd get the calls. Sal threw in a comment about the chick getting the job by putting a chicken wing in her pussy so they'd hang up on him pretty quick.
Howard played some more Ed McMahon audio clips and then read a column from The Washington Post where they claim that XM's headquarters is infested with rats the size of small house cats. They apparently sent out a memo about the rats and explained how the rats are nesting in their fiber optic cables. Howard said they have the worst luck over there at XM.
Howard read another story where the guys who have the rights to make the Joey Ramone story have said that in body type and looks, Howard Stern is the right guy for the role. Howard said he could probably do that role. He tried to get Joey's voice down and he could probably do a good impression of him. He said it's been a long time since he's spoken to Joey so he can't remember exactly what he sounded like.
Howard wondered if they'd want him to sing as Joey as well as talk like him. Fred played some Ramones songs while Howard was doing his impression of Joey. He figured he could play Joey, Joey's mom, his agent and even play himself in the movie.
Howard mentioned that they had Sarah Silverman coming in next. He had to take a break first though. He talked about her new TV show and told Robin how weird it is. He said it is good even though it's so weird. That led to him talking about Jimmy and Sarah having sex in his house when they came for a visit last summer. He said he didn't hear anything coming from them and it would be weird to think about Sarah having sex. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Sarah and also mentioned the Miss Black Howard Stern contest they have going on right now. He told Sarah he saw her show and it's unlike anything he's seen on TV. He said that her real life sister plays her sister in the show. The sister supports her in the show but that's all made up, it never really happened that way.
Howard said Sarah bangs God in one scene of the show. She said that his name in that scene is Tucker Smallwood. Howard played a clip from that scene where Sarah and God are talking about their night. She tells him that she can't hang out with him because she promised to help a friend move. She then kind of blows him off and says she doesn't have a cell phone. Then her phone rings. She pretends it's her Nanna but God knows that she died 6 years ago. Sarah liked that he played such a long clip for her. Howard said it was good.
Howard got back to the Miss Black Howard Stern thing and said they're looking for African American women who are at least 75 percent black to enter the contest. Sarah said that means ''no octaroons'' and that she has a bumper sticker that says that. Howard said the contest is sponsored by Clips4Sale.com.
Howard asked Sarah if she and Jimmy ever watch porn and work that stuff into their sex. She said they enjoy watching amateur porn and real people doing it. She said she goes through phases where she just watches porn on the internet for a full day. She said that she gets sick of it eventually and then gives up on it for a while.
Sarah said that Jimmy is into porn where there are stories and romance and stuff. She said she's the kind who just needs to see the ending shot. She said she's not even into lesbian porn, she just likes boring cock. Howard said he can't imagine her laying there touching herself. She told him not to think about her that way.
Howard said he had a girl tell him that she didn't want to be in his head the rest of his life so she didn't want to take his virginity. Howard said he wore her down and she eventually did it.
Howard asked Sarah what happened on Conan last night when they bleeped out her Retard comment in her song. She didn't realize how bad it was because she hadn't seen it. Howard told her they took out a whole chunk of the show when they did that. Howard told her that now she knows how he felt at K-Rock when they'd bleep out whole sections of his show. He played the clip for her and played most of the song, right up through the part where they silenced her ''retard'' comment.
Sarah was bummed that they cut out so much of the song. She said that was really bad. She got clearance to do the song and didn't know that they were going to cut it out like that. She thought that they were fighting with the censors to get it through and figured that would happen. Howard told Sarah that Conan has a retarded brother but he was just joking around. Howard and Sarah talked about how bad censorship has gotten lately.
Howard said he finds it hard to believe that she masturbates to porn. He thinks that's pretty hot. She said she really hasn't done it that much lately. She also told Howard that Jimmy told her about this web site where she sees a lot of this stuff. She started to clam up a little bit and said that Jimmy is listening and would probably want her to not talk about that stuff. Howard thought she talked about that stuff in her act though. She said she doesn't talk about clits like Howard said she does. She doesn't even like that word.
Howard said he'd love to know what Sarah masturbates to. She didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it though. That led to them talking about Jimmy's penis because Howard thought there was a problem with it. Sarah said that the hole in his penis started closing up and he had to have that fixed. It kept getting smaller and smaller until the pee was coming out like it was coming out of a needle. She said that he had to have some rods put in that hole but he toughed it out. Howard said he could kill himself just thinking about that. She said that his cousin Sal had the same problem so it must run in the family.
Howard said he can't imagine Sarah with a load on her face. Sarah said she can't do that because it clogs your pores. They changed subjects pretty quick and talked about how Sarah plays Scrabble on the web and even on her cell phone. Howard said that he played against her and Jimmy and he sucked at it. Sarah said she plays against Alyssa Milano online. She gets her ass kicked by Alyssa all the time. They live in the same building so that's how she knows her. Howard said he could imagine the two of them having sex but Sarah said she's not into that, she's into boring cock.
Howard couldn't get over the fact that she masturbates. He still couldn't picture her doing that for some reason. Howard said if Beth did that, he'd get jealous because that means she's having fantasies. Sarah said she doesn't even think about real stuff in those fantasies she has. She has to think about big, fat, old slobs banging her and things like that. She would never want that in real life. Howard said he'd still get jealous. He said he doesn't beat off while thinking about Beth. He said that would be sick, although he did that once. He said he told Beth he did that and she didn't believe it.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her new show ''The Sarah Silverman Program'' which airs Thursday night at 10 on Comedy Central. He had another clip from the show to play. In that clip Sarah thinks that she has AIDS and gets all weird over it. Howard said that her sister is in the show and she's actually really good in it. Sarah said she's really good but she has to keep her from being funnier than her.
Sarah said she hates her voice on that show and she wants to kill herself when she does it. She wanted to crawl up into a ball and die right there. Howard ended up telling a story about Jimmy and Sarah doing it for the first time. He said they were making out and stuff and they brought it into the bedroom and Jimmy was naked by the time they got to the door. She said that Jimmy was very confident and said that it was definitely going to happen so he got naked. Howard thought that was kind of creepy. He said that it must have kind of creeped her out though. She said that Jimmy has a total swimmer's body when he takes his clothes off. He may not look like that when you see him.
Howard asked Sarah what she means when she says that Jimmy's balls smell like her grandmother's house. She said that's just a line she uses but balls do have a smell. She asked Howard if he ever smells his balls. He said he knows they're disgusting and asked her to come smell his balls. She said she would do that as a friend. He asked her if she thinks she could sniff out Jimmy's balls if they had a line up. She said she thinks she could do that.
Robin asked how many episodes of her show she's doing for Comedy Central. She said they only asked for 6 so that's all she's doing at this point. If people watch, they'll do more. Howard read that Sarah lives in the same building as Nicole Ritchie. He said it sounds like a cool building having Alyssa Milano and Nicole living there. Sarah said there are a bunch of cool people living there and a lot of them are older people. She said that this building is like a second home for some of the stars who stay there though.
Howard said he can't believe that Sarah isn't going to have children with Jimmy. She said she doesn't want to have kids and give birth to anyone. She said she might adopt but she doesn't want to have any of her own. She said she would adopt a Chinese boy or something ''brown.''
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Sarah if she wears panties and if she could simulate her orgasm for them. She said she does wear underwear but she doesn't like thongs. She said she's coated in hair and she really doesn't like wearing that stuff. Howard told her she should wax her arms after she said she was thinking of doing that for when she goes on The View on Thursday. She was also telling Howard that she has very fine black hairs on her ass. Howard has seen her with very few clothes on when they've hung out. Howard said she's got a great body but she doesn't show it off much.
Howard asked Sarah if she has hair on her upper lip. She said she doesn't have it there so she must have lucked out. She said she is pretty hairy down below and has to shave her thighs. Howard wondered if he would feel stubble if he had his hand down there and ran it up her thigh. She said it depends on how sensitive his hands are. Howard wondered if she gets hair on her nipples. She said she doesn't have a lot of that going on, there may have been a hair or two that she's had to tweeze.
Howard told Sarah that he really likes her a lot. She said that she likes him as well but then got disgusted with her voice and said she didn't want to talk anymore. She said she'd rather have one of those voice box things but wondered if she'd have to have cancer first.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Sarah has hair under her shirt. Howard said she lifted up her shirt and she didn't have any hair there. Another guy asked if Sarah takes it in the ass. She said she doesn't do it because doody comes out of there. She said her asshole is there for decoration, kind of like an appendix scar would be. Howard said that Beth rarely shits and he knows she's going to get colon cancer if she keeps that up. He said that turns him on though because she doesn't shit so often.
Sarah said she has this fleet enema thing that she never uses and one time she opened it up and found a note from jimmy that said ''I know what you're doing...'' Howard thought that was pretty funny. He said he could never do that because he can't wait an hour before telling Beth about gifts that he's gotten for her.
Howard started to wrap up with Sarah and gave her another plug for her show. She told Howard how hard it was working on that show. She didn't realize how little work she had done to get to where she is in her career so it was a wake up call. Howard said he hopes the show is successful but not too successful. He doesn't like it when people have success. Sarah said that she will always need him. Howard gave her a plug for the show and for her appearances at Caroline's on Broadway in Manhattan today and tomorrow. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they are working on a story about Artie since he's out sick today. Steve said that they've got another web site where they're worried about Artie's well being. That site ArtiesOnDrugs.com will be part of the story they do about Artie today. Howard said he thinks that Artie is just sick and wondered if he's just too trusting or what. Gary said he feels the same way.
Steve said they have an interview with a comic book writer where they ask him if Fartman would ever make a return. Howard said he'd like to do something on a real small budget and maybe put it on Howard TV or something. He said no one believed in him. Maybe they did because New Line was going to make the movie.
Steve said that they have a story about Sal the Stockbroker shitting himself last week and how he didn't realize he was wallowing in his own feces even though he had ditched the underwear he shit. Steve got in a mention for Jackie the Joke Man's show ''Jackie's Joke Hunt'' which airs tonight at 7pm. Riley Martin's show is on at Midnight.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard who he would like to interview if he could ask anyone in history a question. Howard said he would like to talk to Robin's Dad. He said he'd love to know what that guy was thinking. He then went on to say that he'd like to interview Adolf Hitler after Robin's dad. His top three would also include maybe OJ Simpson. Howard figures he'd be full of shit though so he'd probably be a bad interview.
Howard said that maybe L. Ron Hubbard would be another interview he'd do. He said that guy is a bigger horse shit artist than him. He said that would have to be the third guy on his list, not OJ. Robin asked him why he wouldn't want Charles Manson on. Howard said he babbles too much. John Lennon's name was brought up by Jon Hein. Howard said he would enjoy that interview too. That led to an argument between Robin and Howard about whether or not Mozart was a great musician or not. Robin argued he was but Howard figured he wasn't as great as a John Lennon.
Howard said the truth is that he'd probably end up interviewing Ian Ziering, not Robin's dad, Adolf Hitler or L. Ron Hubbard. The caller also asked Howard if he's going to play in any chess tournaments. Howard said there's one in Jersey that he's heard about but Beth probably wouldn't be too happy if he went. He was thinking about going to a chess club in Manhattan too. It's supposed to be real cool. He said he actually prefers playing online because he can remain anonymous that way.
Howard had Jon Hein give his show rundown. Jon ran through the few stories that they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be covering the Artie story, Bam Margera's visit and of course Sarah Silverman's interview.
Jon brought up the JD discussion they had earlier where he revealed that he's better at text messaging than talking on the phone. Howard said JD text messages his girlfriend sometimes and writes stuff like ''Hey gorgeous, how are you?'' He said he acts like a real player when he does that stuff but he's really not. Jon Hein wrapped up his show rundown so Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard read some e-mail during the news. He said some people emailed about the Scores discussion they had yesterday. Some people think that sex happens in all strip clubs but Howard said that's never happened for him. He also read some stuff about his own problems that people have written in about. Someone actually told him he's a good looking guy and he should listen to his girlfriend when she says he's good looking.
More names were mentioned for the next roast including people like the Osbournes, George Takei, Jaime Foxx and John Stamos. Then some people wrote in and said no more roasts because they've all sucked so far. Howard isn't sure who to listen to. Robin told him it was one e-mail, ignore it.
Howard read one e-mail from someone who got into ''American Chopper'' after they did some ads for the show. Howard also got some feedback about Sal's weird behavior on the show yesterday. Sal hadn't been in the studio at all today. Robin said Sal asked her if it was safe to come in there today. Howard said of course it's safe. Robin said she heard there's a pool going where they're trying to figure out when Sal is going to lose his job. Howard said his job isn't in jeopardy at this point though. Some people wrote in about Artie's ''sickness'' and said that junkies don't eat so he can't be back on drugs.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him who he would eat if he had to eat someone in the studio. Howard picked Robin. Robin said that if they were going to go on with the show, he wouldn't want to eat her first. Howard told her that would be if they were in a plane crash and stuck on an island somewhere. Then he'd eat Robin first. Fred told him he should think about having sex with her too so maybe he wouldn't want to eat her first. Howard said that's true and he wouldn't want to fuck the person he's going to eat.
Howard and Robin talked about plastic surgery during the news and Howard thinks that he's never going to get a face lift. He thinks it looks too freaky on a dude. He said he decided about a year ago that he's just going to grow old and deal with it. He said he's amazed that he doesn't have to dye his hair at his age. He's 53 and still has that jet black hair. He'd rather not have his face ripped off and sewn back on so he looks like a woman. He said Al Pacino did that and he doesn't look right anymore. They also talked about how Bubba the Love Sponge gets Botox injections. He's also willing to have a face lift some day when he needs it. Howard wondered who's looking at him anyway.
Howard mentioned a couple of things they have coming up on the show soon. They're going to be taking all of the food that Artie eats and put it into a big jug to see just how much he can eat. He was going to do that today but wanted Artie to be there. They're also going to line up all of the fat guys on the show and try to put them in order of weight. He also mentioned a few guests they have coming up soon like Richard Simmons, Yucko the Clown and Mary Carey.
Steve Langford came in late in the news with a breaking story. Steve said that Blue Iris sent a voice mail saying that she's in a hospital and has suffered a stroke. She's apparently okay and it wasn't a serious stroke. She's saying she'll be out in a couple of days. Howard was surprised that he broke into the news with that story.
Howard said she was on the phone earlier and didn't realize that's what had happened so he didn't get to her. Gary said he had a voice mail from her so Howard played that. She didn't sound any different than usual. She left the message for Richard and said she had a little accident and was in the hospital. Howard said they'll talk to her tomorrow.
Howard said he thought when Steve came in that he was going to say something about Artie being in the hospital or something. Robin said he must not be so trusting of Artie if that's what he was thinking. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
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Howard said that Artie was out sick again this morning. He did make a phone call to Gary though and he swears that nothing sinister is going on and he really is sick. He even threw in that little cough of his to prove that he's sick. Howard played the clip and Artie said that he's really not done with the cough thing so he can't come in. Artie said he should be in on Thursday for sure. He apologized and said he'll see them on Thursday. Howard said they should compare that message with the old message from when he was on heroin.
they had an edited version of that call and it sounded very similar. That version of the call has Artie snorting stuff as he's saying he's not coming in. Artie has a big gig out in Las Vegas this weekend. Robin said that he's going to make it in for one more day this week. She also pointed out that he took off Thursday last week and then went out house hunting on Friday. She and Howard both said he should have stayed home to get better if he was starting to feel better.
Howard said he didn't want to throw fuel on the fire because he thinks Artie is fine. Some guy said he saw Artie out on Rt. 78 in New Jersey and described the car correctly. Howard played that clip and the guy said he was driving his truck and saw the guy out driving. Howard said that maybe he was driving to the doctor.
Ralph also thinks there's something wrong with Artie and he may have gotten upset about the whole bookie argument they had a while back. Howard played another audio clip where Ralph gives his theory about how maybe it wasn't a bookie.
Howard played a message that Artie left for him back in 2005 when he was out ''sick.'' That's when he was on heroin and trying to get over it. Artie threw in some of those phony coughs of his that day too. It was very similar to the message he left about not being in today. He played a second message from back in 2005 where Artie talks about how he can't stop throwing up and that he has a stomach virus. Howard said that he's never suspicious of that stuff and believed Artie was really sick. He had no idea he was battling heroin addiction. He played the message from today and it really did sound like the same thing.
Howard said he and Robin must be stupid for believing that stuff. He went right into a prank call the guys created using Artie's old messages. They called a business and had Artie calling in sick to that place so the guy had no clue who it was. Even that guy knew that Artie wasn't all that sick when he heard that call.
Howard goofed on Artie a little bit about the phony cough he threw into those old calls. He played a song parody where they had his call and snorting thrown in. The song was ''Artie Snorts Heroin.'' He said the speculation continues but his opinion, which is coming from a very naive guy, is that he's actually sick. He asked Robin what she thinks. She said she's on the fence about the whole thing. She said that when people have problems with drugs like that, they have to have a long period of sobriety for her to believe they haven't fallen off the wagon.
Howard said he has to think that the way he eats would make him fall asleep in the studio. Robin said she thinks that it could be the drugs that would cause that. He does kind of fall asleep half way through the show though.
Howard thought the caller sounded like he was on something. The caller said he's just drunk. He said he doesn't have to work until 5 tonight so he has time to get over that. Howard said he gets jealous of work hours like that. He mentioned that Beth was going out last night and he had to go to bed early because he had to get up early to do the show. Robin said she sees people like that who get to sleep until noon while she has to go to work.
Howard talked about going out to clubs when he was single again. He said he went to a club one time and picked up a chick who ended up calling the bouncer at the club the N-word. He wondered who the hell he was standing next to when that was going on. He said people could have seen that and had it written up in the paper. He said she told him she lived in Hell's Kitchen and figured that was bad news so he got rid of her as fast as he could. He said he pushed her out of the cab and kept going.
Howard knew that chick was big trouble and he didn't agree with her view of the world. He figured she was really low rent so he ended it before it started. Robin said that's the kind of chick who ends up throwing stuff at his window and boiling rabbits in his kitchen. Howard said when he went to those clubs he'd have to dance to show he was fun and it was embarrassing when they had him behind ropes and stuff keeping people from coming near him.
Howard created the scene at the club with some loud club music and yelling to people in the club. He said he thinks that chick was from Kansas or someplace like that. He figures that people like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan go to clubs but try to avoid people the whole night. He said he's glad he's done with that whole scene himself.
Howard said that pussy is like his heroin. That's what they're going to put on his headstone when he's gone. He talked about how he's got friends who are still out hunting for pussy at clubs like that and they're married.
Bobo called in and said he's really worried about Artie and he thinks that he may be back on heroin. He said those calls he played are very similar. He figures he may still be upset about the whole Dana thing. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's the one who should be on heroin, not Artie who gets to work on the Howard Stern Show. The guy said that Howard is a smart man so he can think that Artie is just sick if he wants. He'd mentioned that Howard went to B.U. (Boston university) so that led to Howard talking about how he didn't even go to the ''real'' B.U. He said he went to the retard part of the school which was called ''Basic Studies.'' He said he also studied radio there so he felt kind of stupid up there.
Howard said he'd take the tests up there and think that he wasn't going to get any of the answers correct but he'd somehow pass. Robin asked if he used that ''ABACAB'' thing that Artie mentioned the other day to take his multiple choice tests. Howard said he wasn't that bad. That led to Howard and Fred talking about that song a little bit before taking more phone calls.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Artie's grandpa. Another caller brought up the Beetlejuice special that's on Howard TV. Howard said they're putting together another special that a lot of people are going to be interviewed for.
Howard said he asked Barry if they could have a couple of months to work on the movie and they couldn't make it happen. He said they ended up going with Robin Williams instead. He said it's hard to say no in life and he loves to grab stuff and just make announcements.
Howard said Tim Sabean called him yesterday and said he was worried that he was mad at him. Howard said he's only going to hear from him if something is going bad. Howard told him to stop being so nervous. Now he's not going to talk to him for like a year. He has to deal with Bubba and all of these other guys who are working on shows there. He said that this guy David who handles the Master Tape Theatre stuff made up a nice poster for Master Tape and he really likes that.
Howard said it's so great to do movies because they treat you so well. He said he'd love to do another one. Robin said she was talking to John Bon Jovi about that and everyone seems to love doing movies. Howard talked about the time he was shooting his movie and how great that was. They built him an apartment to sleep in at night while he was doing that. Robin said you hear about them doing that stuff for a lot of stars. Howard said that's why these kids that get into show business get screwed up. They think that's the way things are going to be the rest of their lives.
Howard said that being on the set of a movie is as close as you can get to being back in the womb with your mother. He said you really get that on a movie set. You're like that kid in the Twilight Zone episode where he gets whatever he wants and people jump through hoops for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they could play an older call that Richard and Sal did. They had it for Howard to play within seconds so he went right into it. Howard didn't seem to know what the caller was talking about but Sal was able to figure it out. Howard played the call where they got a telemarketing call from a chimney sweep and Sal pretends that he's smoking weed and then puts his wife on the phone. The wife is Crazy Alice audio clips so they had her cursing the woman out.
Howard said he finds it hard to believe that people even want to hear NASCAR on radio. The caller said it's a big thing for the guys who drive on the weekends. He told Howard how these guys plan their trips so they can hear the races. Howard and Robin pretended to be calling a race and didn't have all that much to say other than saying that the cars were going around in circles and Tony Stewart was in the lead.
Gary said that they're going to have different channels where people can tune in and hear the different crews talking during the races. Howard said he can't imaging having that much time to listen to that stuff. He did say that it must be a great thing for those fans who are that into the races though.
Howard asked Gary if they're going to give Artie a urine test when he comes back. Gary said they can do that or take his hair and mail that in to find out if he's been using. They might have a doctor in tomorrow to give him a urine test.
Howard thinks that Artie is really sick and he's trying to get better for his Vegas show. That's the positive thinking on his part. He figures that Artie will go out to Vegas and get sick all over again.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they were watching this show ''Armed and Famous'' because he thought it was pretty good. Howard said they already canceled the show because it did so poorly in the ratings. Howard said Beth was asked to do that one but she passed on it. He said he never got to see an episode. Robin said they canceled it before she got to see one episode. Howard said it's amazing how much money they put into those shows and then cancel them after just a couple of episodes.
Howard spent a minute talking about how bummed out he is with the way our President is viewed around the world with all of the stuff he's been up to.
Another caller said he doesn't think that Artie is on Heroin because he has that drug that he took the last time he was on it that could help him get off of it. Howard said he still thinks that Artie is really sick and not on heroin again. That caller spent a minute on that and also brought up the bookie story and how a lot of those guys don't want to be in the spotlight at all.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how much it cost to take everyone down to Florida for Bubba's wedding. Howard said he just got hit on his American Express for that stuff. He said they flew down on a private jet, had a hotel, had a big birthday party, catering on the plane... He said he was embarrassed to say how much it was. The caller asked if it was a hundred grand. Howard laughed. He didn't want to say exactly what it was though. He had to bail on that call because he was getting annoyed being asked about the money he makes.
Hook Nose Mike called in and brought up some stuff that led to Howard talking about Sarah Silverman's appearance yesterday. Howard said he got bummed out when he got a lot of mail about Sarah Silverman sucking on the show. He read through some of that mail where people said she should never be on again. Some people thought it was Howard's fault for not making the interview good.
Mike told Howard that one of the great shows on Howard TV right now is the Penthouse Pets that were on last week. Mike also asked Howard to play The Zeros ''H O W A R D'' song that they were given permission to play last week. Howard told Fred to play that when they come out of break. Mike also asked Howard to play a prank call that Richard and Sal made so they found that and played it before the break. The call was the one where Richard doubled up his voice and called a woman about some things she was selling.
Howard asked Blue if she thinks that it was her unhealthy lifestyle that caused the stroke. She said she doesn't think that's it because she lives a healthy lifestyle. She was calling in from the hospital and she should know more tomorrow. She said that she knew that something was wrong when her speech started getting screwed up and she felt like she was in a spider web and wasn't able to get out.
Howard asked her if she'll still be able to do the porn stuff after this stroke. She thinks she'll be fine and she's not dragging around the left side of her body like Howard thought she was. Howard told her to call back tomorrow and let them know what the doctor says.
Blue got in a plug for her web site BlueIrisProducts.com as Howard was wrapping up with her. Howard asked her if she can spell her name. She said she could but didn't get to it. Howard was going to let her go but Gary said he heard that she smokes weed in her videos. He asked her about that and she did say she does that. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Artie is really sick. Howard agreed with the guy and they spent some time talking about the way Artie treats himself eating the crap he eats. He also doesn't get enough sleep so that's probably why he got sick. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said Joe showed up at the Howard Stern Film Festival with the hottest chick ever. Joe said he's not with her anymore. He said she was in love with Howard, not with him. Howard said she didn't act like she was. He asked Joe about this Paris Hilton thing that's out. Joe sounded a little bit out of it so Howard and Robin asked him what's wrong. Joe stopped talking for a second so Howard kept yelling out his name and asking if he was ok. Joe came around and said that he was out at Bungalow last night.
Howard asked Joe about his $25 million estate he has down in Mexico. Howard said he might have to hang out with this guy. He can't believe how much money he's got from this Girls Gone Wild thing. Howard asked Joe if he wanted him to call him back later or something. Joe said his phone was cutting in and out, that's what the problem was.
Howard asked Joe about the Paris tape that's out. Joe said that he's against the tapes being sold but Howard found that hard to believe. He thinks that Joe is actually behind the tapes. Gary said he got call one day from someone telling him to go check out this ParisExposed.com. He thought that the way these people get around putting these tapes out is by claiming that they're being hurt and they're going to sue. Joe says that he is going to sue and this guy put out the tapes after being asked not to do it.
Gary asked what court is going to give them money for fucking Paris Hilton. Joe said he actually owns the copyrights on those tapes because he shot them. He said she was just doing a Girls Gone Wild thing in those tapes and he didn't have sex with her at all, he ended it before it happened.
Howard asked Joe about how Paris feels about the tapes being out. Joe said that she's devastated about the whole thing and doesn't want them being released. Howard wondered how Joe gets in with all of these chicks. He asked about Lindsay Lohan but Joe said he was having a hard time hearing him. Howard repeated the question and asked him if he was banging Lindsay. He said he didn't do that with her but he did bang Paris. Howard read a story about Joe and Lindsay getting into a fight at some club in Miami one time. Joe said it was just some girl shit.
Howard told Joe that he was a shitty interview this morning. Joe blamed it on the phone. Gary came back in and said that the story about Joe and Lindsay was that Joe was hitting on a bunch of chicks in the club and Lindsay got upset with him.
Howard asked Joe some more questions but he wasn't answering the questions. He asked Joe about Jennifer Aniston staying at his house. Joe said she stayed there, so did Courtney Cox and a bunch of other celebrities. Howard asked Joe about the dude who tied him up in some movie and making him say he was into gay sex. Joe said that he put that guy in jail and he's supposed to be in jail for 11 years in California and another 20 in Wisconsin. Joe said the guy kidnapped him but didn't make him take it in the ass like Howard thought. Joe said the guy was a murderer and had killed a couple of guys. The guy had broken into his house and took him hostage. His story wasn't very clear though. Howard gave Joe a plug for his Girls Gone Wild stuff which can be found at GirlsGoneWild.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was getting high just listening to this guy. He asked Joe to say his ABC's backwards starting at C. Joe said he was going to sit up in bed to try and come around a little. He went on to tell a story about hanging out with Garry Shandling last night. They spent a minute talking about Garry Shandling and how he was probably trying to get some pussy by hanging with Joe. Joe said Gary was attracting his own pussy.
Howard asked Joe why Paris failed to pay this $200 bill for the storage unit where she was keeping the tapes. Joe said that was a shady deal right there and it wasn't in Paris' name so the woman who was taking care of it is the one who caused the problem by giving it up. Howard said it almost seems like they want that tape out there and that's why this all went down. Joe said it was all very shady. Robin asked why it's just now being put on the internet. Joe said they've been in negotiations with the guy since last February.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing an impression of Joe being out of it and asked him some questions in that video. Howard asked Joe who gives the best blow job. Joe said that Paris is the best. He also said that she's best overall with sex as well. He said she's the best out of everyone he's been with. Howard asked him who's the worst. He said Tara Reid. He wasn't sure why but thought about it for a second and said that she's uhhh... I dunno.'' He said he loves Tara but she's ''You know, I don't know.'' Robin asked if she just lays there. Joe said yes to that. He tried doing her a few times but it wasn't very good at all. Joe said he used protection and that may not have helped. Robin wondered if he wasn't able to feel anything. Joe said it just wasn't that great.
Joe asked Howard who he thinks would be the best. They went down the list of celebrity conquests and tried to figure out who was the best. They got sidetracked when they brought up Joe's house down in Mexico. Joe wanted to know when Robin was coming down there. Robin didn't commit to going down there.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him he might want to induce vomiting right about now. He also said he heard that Joe and Steve-O were caught 69ing at some party. Joe said that was true but he was just joking about that. Another caller said he thinks Joe is high today. Then someone called in as Paris Hilton and asked him he wanted to snort some coke out of her pussy.
Joe asked Robin if she had checked out this ParisExposed site yet. Howard said it seems like he's behind this whole thing when he keeps promoting it like that. Joe said the may make money off the whole thing but only after they sue them for putting the tape out. Robin laughed and said that he's making it sound like people should hurry up and go on that site before they shut it down.
Gary asked Joe if he's upset with Paris calling him a rich loser in that tape. Joe said she's probably called him a lot of names and he's not bothered by it at all. Howard got back to the list of celebrity broads Joe has banged and said that Paris was the best and Tara was the worst. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked Joe for the great interview. He said he really didn't learn much of anything other than the fact that Tara Reid may have had a loose pussy. He let Joe go a short time later and wished him luck with the whole lawsuit.
Robin said that was the greatest interview Joe ever gave, she doesn't care what Howard says. Howard gave him another plug for the GirlsGoneWild.com thing and also said that Joe warned them not to go to the ParisExposed.com web site.
Howard said he had the Top 5 songs to go through. He said the number 5 song was ''We Fly High'' by Jim Jones and played some of it. Robin couldn't believe that was in the top 5. Howard played a little bit of the number 4 song which was ''I Want to Fuck You.'' Robin said they play that song on SIRIUS Hits 1 and the lyrics are ''suck you'' instead of fuck. Gary told her that it's actually ''I want to Love You.''
Howard played through the rest of the songs which included Nelly Furtado, Fallout Boy and Beyonce. He said she's got to have a lot of dough.
Gary came in and said that Artie was out of change the other day and was offering people a five dollar bill in exchange for a single. That's how bad he wanted something out of that machine. Howard said if Artie was organized, he would have had some change or some singles. Maybe his assistant should be laying out some dollar bills for him.
Howard took a call from a Hispanic guy who seemed to be putting on a bit of a voice that Howard didn't appreciate. He said he hates fake voices unless he's doing them himself. Lisa G said that they have a good Page 69 segment today about Will getting decked by a woman in a bar who was crying. He made fun of her and she jumped him. They'll have that and more throughout the day on Howard 100 News.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Bubba the Love Sponge who says he used to be in fights with Howard all the time. That led to Howard talking about how he really didn't know much about Bubba until a few years ago when he heard him on some radio station that was on in his gym. Bubba thinks that Howard is full of it and can't believe that he never heard of him and wasn't battling with him. Howard said he did know about Mancow and how bad his show was. His show sounds fake to him and every phone call he takes sounds fake. He said that he's never really heard all of these guys that people think he has. He said Gary played one tape of Opie and Anthony ragging on him one time but that's about it. There are other guys he's heard about but doesn't listen to.
Gary came in and told Howard that they may have mentioned Bubba's name on the show a couple of times. There have been other guys who have used his name so Bubba actually had to hire lawyers to put a stop to that.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Howard blew the interview with Joe Francis and didn't dig deeper into the whole list of chicks that Joe Francis has banged. Howard said Joe wasn't giving up anything and wasn't volunteering any information. The caller thought that Howard was rambling on too much. Howard said there was no list coming from the guy so he can't be blamed for that.
Another caller said he remembers that Howard and Robin were bad mouthing Bubba after he got fired for the pig thing. Howard didn't remember that and Robin didn't think they took that tact back then. Robin didn't remember what he was thrown off for and it all depends on what that was. She said they had never heard him though. Howard said Bubba is a good guy and he's keeping an open mind about other radio guys because of the relationship he has with Bubba now. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard heard that Mary is being sued by Mariah Carey. She said that she was trying to trademark her name and Mariah tried getting into the whole thing and now she wants her to change her name. Mary said she's not trying to be a singer, she just doesn't want people using her pictures illegally. She said that if she wanted to look like Mariah she'd dye her hair the same color.
The guys said that Mariah is now talking about doing Playboy but she's not going to do it nude. Howard said that's kind of pointless. He found a clip from Extra where Mariah talks about being hurt by Howard Stern. He said he remembers her saying that she was upset when he wasn't able to meet up with her one time but he was doing his show at the time. Howard said he talked to her after that and had to explain to her why he had called her fat on the air and stuff like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be a lawyer and said that Mariah Carey has a good case against Mary because people could confuse their names. He said that Mariah and Mary are similar names. The guy wondered why she would change her name to sound similar to Mariah if she wasn't trying to get it confused herself. She said she did it because she's kind of goofy like Jim Carrey. Howard said he would never confuse Mary and Mariah at all. He wondered if Mariah Carey's name is really even Mariah Carey. Howard said that maybe Mary could change her last name to Barry and get it confused with Marion Barry.
Mary told Howard that she's started her own porn company and will be making her own movies. She said she's only 26 years old and claims she was 21 the first time she was on the show. Howard asked her about the guy from the Bloodhound Gang. She quickly talked about that and how she had to rent Howard TV in Philadelphia to see herself on the show. Howard interrupted her and said she sure likes to talk.
Howard asked Mary about the kind of money she makes doing porn. She said there were a lot of people making money off of her so she started her own company. That way she can make her own money. Howard said that's probably the way they should all do things and cut out all of the dudes in the business.
Howard asked to see Mary topless so she got up and took her top off. Howard said those things looked bigger than ever. She wondered where Artie was so Howard told her he was out sick. She asked if he was really sick or if he was on drugs. Howard paused for a second but ignored the question and moved on. Mary was going on and on about how much she likes Will. Howard asked him if he wanted to spank her. Will said he would do that if it would shut her up. He said he was just kidding about that.
Will joked that he caught a whiff of her ass but said he was kidding about that. He then started spanking her and she asked him to hit her harder. He was telling her to shut up as he was smacking her ass. He said it was turning really red too. Howard asked what else they could do to her. She said she's already had her head in a toilet. He asked if they could shoot her with a bow and arrow. She didn't want to do that. Gary asked if they could shoot her boobs with a paintball gun. She didn't want to do that either.
Will asked if they could throw cupcakes at her ass. She wasn't willing to do that either. Mary said that Kendra Jade says she loves Howard. That led to Howard saying that he heard that Mary used to hang out with Chyna Doll but she had to stop because Chyna was too wild for her. Mary told some stories about partying with them and how Kendra is dating the guy from Rock Star Supernova. She said she doesn't get to see her anymore because of that.
Mary mentioned that her mother tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. Howard spent a minute on that and then Sal came in and asked her to sign his ass with a pen. It was his exploding pen so she opened it up and it blew up. Mary just kept going and got back to her mother's story. She said her mom walked up to the fourth floor of the building with a chair and apparently just jumped from that floor. She said she lived and ended up breaking her arm, leg and back. Howard asked if she was pissed that she lived. She said she's actually very happy and wheeling herself around in a wheelchair. They're not sure if she'll ever walk again.
Howard asked Mary if she thinks that's why she's in porn, because her mother was so messed up. Mary said that not having a lot of family around makes her want to have guys around her all the time so that might be part of it. He said he's sorry about her mom and then took a call from Bong Hit Eric. Eric said he wanted to ask Mary if her vagina smells less now that she's thin and if she's ever left mud on the helmet. Mary said she smells the same as far as she knows. She's never left mud on the helmet either as far as she knows.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he's not sure which interview is worse, Joe Francis or this chick. He said this chick doesn't do anything. Howard said she's done a lot over the years though. He told Mary she's looking good and wished her luck with her lawsuit. You can check her out at MaryCarey.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to see a Rockstar Supernova concert at this huge, 17,000 seat auditorium and there were only 2,300 people there. Howard said that must be really embarrassing for them. He said he knew that they weren't going to be a big hit because the whole show idea was kind of dumb. That led to Mary talking about how she was kicked out of that place one time but she wasn't even sure exactly what it was she had done.
Howard said the TV guys wanted to throw stuff at Mary's boobs. Doug Goodstein came in and said they had some cupcakes, M&Ms and some other stuff to throw at her. Howard told her he'd give her plugs for her web site for each thing she catches with those things. The set her up and started throwing stuff at her. They sprayed down her boobs with oil and then started throwing stuff at her. She caught one pretty quick so Howard gave her a plug and then wanted to put a stop to it all. Doug was throwing the M&Ms at her head so Howard wanted to stop it. Then Will threw a cupcake at her and she threw it back at him. Gary told her to go and lick it off of him but Will stopped her because he didn't want to get into any more trouble. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard played a song that Yucko had created for them a couple of years ago. In the song he sings about all of the guys on the show calling them names and goofing on everyone. Yucko was in the studio after that. He asked where Artie was since he didn't see him sitting there. Howard told him about Artie being sick and talked about that for a minute. Yucko said he did notice that Artie went from being a WOP to a Whopper though.
Howard spoke to Yucko's girlfriend Nicole who met him about a year ago. She was a cocktail waitress at a show he did last New Year's Eve. She said she met him in the clown outfit and she did notice that he smelled bad. She didn't even watch him do his act. She spoke to him later that night when he was out of his make up. The two of them were sitting really far apart on the couch so Howard wondered what was up with that. Nicole said she doesn't like to touch him when he's wearing that outfit because it's filthy.
Yucko said he can't wash his outfit because it's like super bowl socks that are good luck. Yucko said he can get away with more stuff when he dresses up as a clown so that's why he started doing that. Howard got back to Nicole and asked her if she instantly fell in love with him. Yucko said it took her a while. Howard said some people are calling her Yoko the Clown because she critique's his act. She said she just goes out to hear how the audience reacts to it. She also denies that she stops him from going to strip clubs. She actually goes to strip clubs with him and enjoys it.
Howard heard that Nicole wants to be a comedienne herself so that's why she's getting the Yoko thing. She said that's not the case at all. She said that she's really not a Yoko type. She also uses the name Yucko's girl on SFN when she posts over there.
Howard said that Yucko has been very critical of Sal the Stockbroker because he's so mean to Gary the Retard. Yucko said they're all mean to everyone. He doesn't think Sal is any worse. Will came in and said that Yucko told him that it was mean when he pulled the chair out from Gary. Yucko said Will was making a big deal out of nothing.
Howard asked Yucko if he's making decent money now. Yucko said that he's writing jokes for Penthouse and getting paid $75 for that. Howard ended up talking to Nicole about the other guys who have tried to bang her. She said that Bob Levy tried to hook up with her by giving her his hotel room key. Craig Gass also tried to get her. Howard said Craig is a good looking guy but Yucko interrupted and said he's a ''Frankenstein Headed freak.'' Nicole said Craig spent a lot of time telling her all of the stuff he's done in his career. He brought up the one thing he did on Sex and the City in one episode. She said that didn't impress her though.
Howard asked Nicole if the racist material Yucko does bothers her at all. She said it really doesn't bother her and she knows that a lot of people are racist in one way or another. Shuli called in and said that Yucko and Sal both have to try and jockey for their racist material because they both do so much of it. Shuli and Yucko also shared a hotel room out in San Francisco.
Howard said that Yucko must be worshiping this chick because he had a bit of a dry spell between her and his last girl. Shuli said that this chick is really fun at strip clubs, he's been there and seen her having fun. Howard asked Yucko about getting searched at the airport recently. Yucko said he carries a lot of dildos around for his act and they asked him why he had so many of them. He told them that he was just going to work.
Yucko said that he's had some problems with Eric the Midget too. He met him out in California recently and he takes things the wrong way all the time so he got into a little fight with him. Howard asked Yucko about this DVD he's got coming out. He said that they had to get their characters back from MTV since they had sold them when they did the TV show. They called it Stankervision when it was on MTV but it's back to being The Damn Show.
Howard gave Yucko some plugs for the new DVD and for some comedy shows he's doing. You can find out more at DamnShow.com. Howard said Yucko got mad at Lisa Lampanelli for some reason. Yucko said she didn't want him selling his DVD at the comedy show he did with her recently. He said she thinks it's like a yard sale out there if they all try selling their stuff at the same time. Yucko said that one time, Gilbert Gottfried asked him if he wanted one of his DVDs and when he handed it over, he asked him for twenty bucks.
Howard asked Yucko what Lisa says to him when she doesn't want him selling the DVDs. Yucko first did an elephant sound and then said that she's not the queen of mean, she's the Prince of Whales. He goofed on her but said that he'll probably work with her again some day.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Yucko where he's been because he hasn't been on the show for a while. Mariann also brought up Artie and the problems he's been having lately. Yucko didn't know what was going on so they spent a few minutes talking about Artie breaking up with Dana and some of the problems Artie has been having lately.
Howard asked Yucko if he's going to ask Nicole to marry him. He said that might happen eventually. He said they have something planned for 2075. Howard thinks that Yucko's next girlfriend will be talking about how nutty Nicole is when they eventually break up. They talked about Yucko's ex-girlfriend and how she chases them down and stalks them. Yucko said she dumped him for a drummer and he's not sure why she's after him again. Nicole said he's got a big penis so that's about all he's got going for him.
Howard asked Nicole how long she held out on Yucko. She said it was a couple of weeks. Yucko said he didn't get titty for at least a week and a half. He got the finger in there shortly after that. Yucko doesn't mess around with the foreplay stuff, he just bends her right over and does her. He said he goes in bareback too. Nicole said she was kind of worried about him being dirty down there so she had him tested before letting him do that. Howard asked Yucko if he's ever done anal. She said he tried one time but she chased him out of there. Yucko says he likes anal but he always feels shitty afterward.
Howard took a call from Bob Levy who asked Howard to get this chick on the Sybian. She wasn't going there though. They also talked about Bob trying to pick up Nicole. Bob said he gives out his hotel room key at just about every gig he does. He said that key thing has worked for him but that was years ago. Howard wrapped up with Yucko after that. He gave him a couple of plugs and then went to break.
Howard played another clip from Hardball where one of the guys says 'shit.' He then played a new voice mail from Crazy Alice who was going off on the guys who are trying to rip off Big Foot's $8,000. She said that Big Foot is a nice man and doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. She's apparently afraid of people ripping him off for that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that he has off work on Wednesday's now. He can only make a certain amount because he's still on SSI. He said it's kind of wacky that they pay him more to work less. He also told Howard that they sold the store he works at but he doesn't think that will cause him to lose his job. He said they're keeping him on and the new boss told him to say hi to Howard. Jeff said that he's the best door holder ever. Jeff also said that he's free to go to the Stern Show at any time he wants to. He said his Boss has already given him permission. Robin said that Jeff seems to be in a good mood now that he's working.
Steve said that she refused to record a message for Howard's show or for Eric the Midget. She hates the show because they gave a fan her personal number and he called her so much that she had to change her number. That fan was Eric the Midget. Eric has claimed he only called her twice according to Howard.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw Katherine McPhee in the paper. Howard said he did see that and she looked really good. The caller asked Howard if he would be a guest judge on American Idol. Howard said he thinks he'd do that, it would be fun evaluating retards. Howard said he was doing a similar thing with his radio show when he was in Detroit. He'd have in a few record company guys and they'd listen to a few people singing and give the winner a record deal.
Howard took some calls about Artie being out again today. One guy said he doesn't miss Artie at all. He said he enjoys the show more when he's not in there. He didn't think Artie was talking a lot on the show lately either. both Robin and Howard said that he does talk a lot though so they weren't sure what he was talking about.
Howard asked Cyndi if she's into any of the new music out there these days. She spent a little time talking about American Idol and how she went up to Canada and worked with them. Gary came in and asked Cyndi if she really thinks that she's psychic. He found an article about that and asked her if it was true. She told a wacky story about some guy she knew when she was growing up who would go into a trance and tell them weird stuff when they'd ask. She said the story Gary was reading was just a joke, she doesn't think she's a psychic.
Howard asked Cyndi what she's up to these days. She said she's writing some songs. She was up there today to see this guy Larry Flick to do his show. She said she felt bad not coming by to see him but she wanted to see them even it the show wasn't on. Howard said he was offended that she didn't come over.
Howard asked Cyndi what show it was he saw her on that he liked. She said it was a show she did with Sarah Mclaughlin. Howard thought one of them had their shoes off. That drove him nuts when he saw it. Fred played the performance that they were talking about. Howard said he liked Cyndi's performance but not Sarah's. Sal said it was like someone had just taken a shit when Sarah started singing. Fred played a dog barking while Sarah was singing. Sal said that he was a huge fan of hers and wanted her autograph. Howard told him not to do it and warned Cyndi that it was an exploding pen.
Howard wanted to get Cyndi drunk and on the Sybian but she wasn't going to do that. Gary said that she has to get going to do some other shows and stuff. She'll also be cutting some stuff for their music special as well. Howard thanked her for coming in and gave her a hug before she left.
Howard talked about how cool it is there with all of the stars who walk into the place. He said there was an article about that and how many stars show up at the place. He said the other day there was a Nun there who had showed up for the catholic channel they have on SIRIUS. You see people like that and then see High Pitch Eric standing there.
The guys ended up talking about Artie's illness and discussed if they believe he's really sick or not. Howard said he thinks Artie will go to Vegas this weekend and he won't be in on Monday because he'll get sick again. Jon Hein said there's no way that Artie will show up on Monday. Fred said he thinks Artie will be in on Monday but will take off the rest of the week. Benjy said he thinks that Artie will show up on Monday but Artie will have a problem at the show in Vegas.
Fred added that the only way Artie won't show up is if he pulls a John Entwistle and dies over the weekend. Robin said she doesn't think this is the course of an illness. Howard asked everyone if they think Artie is back on Heroin. Jon said no, Robin said he may be back on something, Fred thinks he may be on that drug to get him off of the heroin. He said he's got some really odd behavior lately. Benjy said he thinks Artie has been up and down a lot and he thinks there's something going on.
Howard said he thinks that Artie is genuinely sick. He then said he's not sure he even believes his own prediction now. Ralph called in and said that Fred may be right and Artie may be on something, but it may not be heroin. Howard pointed out that Sal shit his pants and only missed two days of work.
The guys talked about how Artie will probably show up tomorrow because he may feel too guilty going to Vegas if he missed almost the whole week of work. Robin said that this is the show they end up skipping so they can get better to do these other shows they're doing. That's just wrong according to her.
Jon Hein got back to his show preview and mentioned a few other things they'll be discussing today. Ralph asked Howard about Yucko's girlfriend and if she was hot. Howard said he thought she was cute and Robin thought Yucko was right when he said that she was a poor man's Jennifer Aniston. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had Robin get into her news but ended up playing some of the new Katherine McPhee CD and goofing on that. He said it's really not very good. Robin said it's like all of that Britney-like stuff that's out there. Ralph called in and said that Katherine McPhee is one of those fat broads who claims that being fat is okay and she was fine with it but then she loses the weight. He said she was miserable being fat and proved it when she lost the weight.
Howard played through some audio clips from last night's American Idol. He played some of the worst performances from the show and another clip where one of the contestants talked about her father shooting himself. That led to him playing a few more clips of Katherine McPhee's music.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he thinks relationships are about playing games with each other or telling your true feelings. Howard and Robin said that sometimes you should keep your thoughts to yourself. Howard said that sometimes you might think that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone but then two minutes later you want to be alone. He asked the woman on the phone if she knew what show she was calling after thinking about that stuff. Howard said he's been trying not to manipulate anyone in his relationship but he does end up doing it sometimes. He's been trying not to do that with Beth though because it turns into too much work.
Howard said he was listening to the Wrap Up Show and he's thinking that JD has been a bit of a prick to the audience lately. JD came in and tried to defend himself but Howard told him it comes off really gross when he beats up on the audience. JD said the woman was attacking him so he was trying to be interesting. Howard told him to just be himself and stop with the phony stuff. He said it comes off really poorly when they do shit like that to the audience.
JD said that woman wasn't being nice at all. Howard wished he had the audio so he could play an example. Gary said they could have it in a few minutes. JD said he won't go on the show anymore if they don't want him to, he doesn't care.
Nicole was still there so they had her come back in. Craig said that she invited him to stay with her out in Phoenix but he just kind of let things go over the past few years. Craig said that he actually met her about 4 years ago. She didn't remember that meeting and thought it was weird that Craig had remembered it. Nicole claims that she never hit on Craig, he was the one hitting on her.
Yucko came back in and said that Craig was full of it. Craig told Yucko that this chick has hit on a bunch of them but none of them ever hooked up with her. Nicole said that she would never have hooked up with any of them, she just wants to have some fun with those guys. Nicole said that Craig will fuck anything. Craig said Nicole made them all think that they had a chance with her. He said she had him really worked up one night she was hanging out with him and she ended up leaving because she had to go walk her dog.
Howard asked Nicole if she sent Craig naked pictures of herself. Yucko said that he wants to see them because he'll beat both of their asses if that's true. Craig went on to say that this chick really is a huge cock tease.
Nicole said she remembers sending Craig the picture of her naked ass but that was it. She said she was drunk that time when she did that. Craig said he doesn't mind admitting to hitting on chicks that he thinks he can score with. He just thought the sequence of events was off. Howard let Craig go a short time later. He also said goodbye to Yucko and Nicole so Robin could get back to her news.
Gary told Howard that he had the JD clip from the Wrap Up Show from the day before. He played that and the woman suggested a new song for JD that Howard actually liked. It was a Hawaiian song which Howard actually thought would work for him. He told Fred he's got to get that music you hear in every Hawaiian scene. He continued to play the audio clip and figured that maybe JD was right by going off on her, she was kind of boring. He said it rubbed him the wrong way yesterday but today he didn't care.
Howard talked to JD about his mother who lives in Hawaii. That was why that woman came up with the Hawaiian music. JD said he's going to be seeing his mother in August when they have a family reunion to go to. Howard and the guys continued to goof on JD and played some more goofy Hawaiian music for him. Howard thought that their conversations had led to his mother agreeing to finally see him. JD asked that no one write this up in any show rundowns or anything like that.
JD said the family reunion was planned before their conversations so that had nothing to do with it. Howard asked JD if he feels unloved since his mother won't come out to visit him. JD said he didn't want to talk about any of this on the air. He said now he's going to have to deal with all of this with his mother. Fred played some more of that Hawaiian music and some porn clips in the background. Howard said that's what JD is going to hear in his mother's house if he ever goes out there.
A guy called in and suggested some more Hawaiian songs to play for JD. He said that ''Pearly Shells'' or ''Huke Lau'' would be great. Fred found ''Pearly Shells'' so he played that. Howard suggested ''Little Grass Shack'' so Fred looked for that one as well.
Howard asked JD if he ever wonders about his mother and wants her there with him. JD said he just doesn't think about it. Howard wondered if he thinks he's gross because she won't come to visit him. JD said he thinks he's gross but it doesn't have anything to do with his mother.
Howard heard that JD has been fighting with Scott the Engineer's intern who gives him a drive home. JD didn't know what that was about but Gary said they're actually fighting over Myspace. JD said it's not even a fight. Howard wondered when he has time for Myspace. JD said they're not fighting, they're doing a play fight and it's not real. He said she's only given him a ride a couple of times anyway. When Howard tried to get details out of him, he just responded with an ''I don't know.''
The intern came in so Howard asked her what's going on. She said that JD is really rude. She tries to get some conversation out of him but he won't talk about anything with her. That led to Howard talking about how Kimberly Kane was interviewed and said she has phone sex with this guy (JD) and he tells her to do really weird shit. Howard spent a minute talking to the intern about the way JD acted and she claims that he's never thanked her once. Howard said that's his tough guy image and he's probably upset that his mother won't visit him.
The intern said that JD has mentioned to her that he's wild in bed. She wasn't sure how that came up though. Howard asked JD if he was in love with this chick. JD said he's not, especially after this. The intern said that JD acts like an asshole. She said she sent him this message about why she doesn't like him through Myspace and he responded but she didn't get back to him. She said she's been avoiding him in the halls now. Fred ended up playing more of that Hawaiian music as Howard was wrapping up with JD. He told JD that not every chick is like that Porno chick Kimberly Kane, they're not all going to be into him. He told him that he's there for him every day and he won't wait until August to see him.
Richard came in and said that JD's breath has been really good for the past few months and it used to be really bad. He said he's been brushing his teeth and chewing gum more. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Richard smells really bad today. He said his eyes were tearing up in his office earlier from the body odor smell. Robin told JD to learn how to talk to girls who aren't in the porn industry. Howard told him to keep up with the brushing too.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard said he lost a bet because Artie actually showed up for work today. Artie said he should have called him, he would have known. Howard said there were theories about how Artie had to show up for work today because he's going to Vegas this weekend and he had to make a showing at work. Howard also talked about the discussions they had about Artie possibly being back on drugs.
Artie said if he was back on drugs, he wouldn't have made it in on Monday and then come back in later in the week. He thinks that he would have had a full week of shit and wouldn't have made it in. He said that there are some guys who can get drugs and have them all the time so they can function.
Howard played Artie's voice mail where he let out a little cough as he was calling in sick. Howard asked him what was wrong. Artie said he had a cough and a fever and he didn't want to cough on mic ever couple of minutes. Robin asked him if it really took him two days to get over that cough. Artie made a joke about how he got over the cough and then got some heroin and did that.
Artie said the shining moment on the show yesterday was when Yucko said that he had gone from a WOP to a Whopper. He also brought up Yucko's girlfriend and how he had heard that segment. Robin brought up Craig Gass' call and how he said that Yucko's girl had hit on him and other guys. She denied it and said that it made Craig look bad.
Howard played an audio clip from yesterday's show where they talked about whether or not Artie would show up or not. Howard said he didn't think he was going to show up while Robin said he would just to make a good showing. Howard asked Artie if he's going to take care of himself out in Vegas or not. Artie said he'll try to do that. He'll be gambling and staying up late though.
Howard figures Artie is going to run his body down and not make it back to work on Monday. He played another clip where the guys were all figuring out what was really wrong with Artie. Fred and Benjy thought he had something going on while Howard said that he thinks he was really sick. Howard said that's how Artie fared on the show yesterday. Artie was upset that he missed cupcake day yesterday. Howard told him that some of those cupcakes ended up on Mary Carey's boobs. Robin said those cupcakes must be really good because they were almost all gone even with Artie not being there.
Howard told Artie that the vending machine guy may be putting in a credit card swipe on the machine to make it easier for him to buy stuff. Artie said it is a pain in the ass to have dollar bills all the time. Artie spent a short time talking about how he knew a guy that would take credit cards for stuff like that. He said he once went to a strip club and on his credit card bill it showed up as a modeling college in Florida.
Howard took a call from a woman who said it was really mean of the guys to think that Artie was on drugs. She said she didn't laugh nearly half as much as she does when he's on the show. She feels awful that people who work with him every day think he was back on heroin. Robin said there were 6 months where they didn't know that he was on drugs so it's not that out of the question. Even Artie said it would be obnoxious for him to get upset with them for that since he does have a history of that kind of thing.
Howard said that if they were going to roast Eric, it's always possible he just won't show up. They've had that from him before. Then he'll make demands before he comes in so he just doesn't want to deal with it. Robin said Yucko said that he roasted Eric a little bit out in California and he couldn't handle that out there. Eric said that he didn't do anything to Yucko at all out there and he may have looked away or something. He claims he never said anything to him about any jokes he told.
Artie said that being roasted isn't easy, even for him. He said it was really rough when he was roasted. Howard said it's tough for him too when they goof on him during the roasts. Howard wondered what was up with Eric and this lake house that his parents take him to. Howard wondered if that's his fortress of solitude. Eric said he guesses that it kind of is. Howard asked him if he likes Superman. Eric said the last movie was pretty good.
Sal came in and said that Eric once told him that he had gotten a harassment charge against him for calling a celebrity too much. Eric said she was barely a celebrity and he did get her number and called her a couple of times. Gary said you don't get a harassment suit for calling just a couple of times. Eric said there were other people calling and harassing her so it wasn't just him.
Gary asked Eric if he sent her flowers or something. Eric said he couldn't get her address so he couldn't have sent her anything. Eric said that the girl was really cute and living on her own and that's why he called her. He said she was on this show ''Three Wishes'' and they gave out a lot of information so he was able to find out her number.
Sal said that he's not sure if he could roast Eric because it would be like stomping on a puppy. Artie said he felt the same way about KC because of all of the shit he's been through. He talked about how they could joke about KC being homeless and it might actually be true. Howard said people would freak if they saw them goofing on this guy in a wheelchair on Howard TV. He didn't think that would go over very well with the fans.
The guys talked about this woman Celestine who was on his Channel 9 show years ago. They did a special about her and it led to them having the lowest ratings on the show in a long time. No one wanted to see that stuff and he was really wrong about thinking that people wanted to see that. He also said that he had the cast from What's My Line on the show and the secret was that they had the two chicks who were joined at the head there. Dan Forman told him that it was going to be even more sad than the Celestine thing.
Artie said that those chicks who are joined at the head were down at the Stuttering John / Cabbie fight. Artie said the girls were alone in a room down there back stage and they were banging into things. He said it might be the most inspirational and depressing thing you'll ever see.
Howard told Eric these are the reasons they can't have him in the roast. Eric said that's fine, be chicken shits, he doesn't care. He said that's fine if they don't think they could do it, but he thinks he could fight back with great stuff himself. He said if they don't want to be outdone by him, fine. Howard said that maybe they should have circus freaks roasting Eric. That way it would be more fair. They could do a Wack Pack Roast and have wack packers roasting Eric instead of comedians.
Howard said that High Pitch Eric has been trying to befriend him. He said he gets messages from him on AIM. Sal said that he heard that High Pitch has been scamming people big time lately. He said he ran into a guy who met Eric and Eric asked him for cash and the guy actually sent some to him. Gary said he knows this guy and Eric was telling him that his pets were going to die if he didn't feed them. Howard said that's not much of a scam, it's pretty straightforward.
Eric said that they could have some people from Myspace or SFN roast him instead of them roasting him. Artie told him to go ahead and do that himself, they don't care. Fred pointed out that Johnny Fratto was on the phone complaining that they were goofing on Eric on the air and now Eric wants to be roasted. Eric said he's not going to give up on this stuff until they come to their senses. The guys said that they're not going to do it and it's not fun when someone actually wants to be roasted.
Howard read through some e-mail. He said someone suggested that they roast Michael Richards. Fred threw in a clip from his racist rant at a comedy show a few months ago. Someone asked who sings the Asshole song that they play on the show all the time. Artie said he's pretty sure it's Denis Leary. Howard was surprised when he heard that. Fred tried to find the song but he wasn't able to find it in his computer. Howard went into his computer and tried to find it himself. They eventually found it and played the full song instead of just the asshole part. Howard said the guy was killing him with the beginning of the song. Artie was telling him that the lyrics were really funny but it wasn't working for Howard. He was ready to bail out on it but it started to get better so he stuck with it for a little longer. He did bail out when it started to suck again.
Howard said he likes that Adam Sandler song they play on the show where he sings ''At a Medium Pace.'' Gary had that one put on Howard's computer so he could play it. Howard said he plays just a little bit of that on the show once in a while. He decided to play the whole thing since they don't usually do that. Howard was laughing his ass off while the song was playing. He thought the music in the song was good even without the funny lyrics.
Howard said he's heard some of those Sandler albums and he wasn't a fan of them but he really loved that song. The skits can go on a little too long but the song was brilliant. He said he wishes that he had written it himself.
Howard got a lot of feedback about Artie being out. He read through some of that stuff and said it's funny how the audience comes down on them for speculating on Artie. Howard read through a few of the e-mails they got about Artie and some people thought he was on drugs while others couldn't believe anyone could think such a thing about him. Some people think that Artie will be dead within 6 months. Some people thought that Artie has been acting kind of odd lately and could be back on drugs. Fred played a heroin song while Howard was going through those e-mails.
Howard said that some people think that the show is better without Artie. Some people said he's a distraction and Howard gets to talk more when Artie isn't there. They want Artie to be tamed so he doesn't talk so much on the show. Artie stayed quiet during some of that stuff.
Howard said he got a lot of negative e-mail about Sarah Silverman's appearance the other day and mentioned it on the air. Then the people who liked her started writing in. Howard red through some of that and found that people thought she was great on the show.
Howard got some feedback about JD and his girlfriend Kimberly Kane. A bunch of people don't want to hear him on the show anymore because he's boring. Others said they can't blame his mother for leaving him and not visiting. Artie didn't know that they had given JD new theme music as of yesterday. They came up with some Hawaiian music for him since his mother lives in Hawaii and doesn't come to visit him.
Howard said JD doesn't like when his dad calls the Wrap Up Show. He's not too keen on either of his parents from what he can tell. JD came in and said that it is weird that his family is involved with his work. Artie said it would be weird for him if his family did that. Howard said the guy is entertaining though. He asked JD if he really didn't talk to his dad for years. JD said that's something that Ralph thinks, it wasn't like that. His father did get caught up in drugs and wasn't around much for a few years.
Howard said that JD's mom is coming to the mainland in about 8 months to see her son at a family reunion. JD doesn't think it's that big of a deal that she's not visiting him. Howard thinks it's funny. Artie said it has to be torture for JD. JD said his mother doesn't like this stuff and doesn't want to be talked about on the show. JD said he doesn't want to talk about her either. That didn't stop Howard though. He continued to goof on JD and his whole family situation.
Howard said that they have to send Howard TV to the family reunion with JD. JD said there will be no cameras on his mother. Howard said they could black her out if he wants. JD said just talking about the reunion is talking about her and he doesn't want to do that. Howard asked JD if he thinks his mother is going to bring him some home made poi at the reunion. He said she won't do that but she does send him sugar cookies every Christmas. He doesn't eat them though.
Howard said he's just trying to catch Artie up on all the gossip he missed this week. Artie said it has to be tough for JD talking about this stuff. JD said his mother doesn't like this stuff at all and she's afraid that people are going to read about her being a bad mom or something. Howard said that she's the best mom in the whole world and sometimes Hawaii calls and you just have to move there. Howard asked what's wrong with his mother because she never sends him sugar cookies.
JD's dad Chuck called in and apologized for using the F-word so much on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that was the most fucks he's heard in a long time. Howard told Chuck that JD doesn't like when he calls in. Chuck said he knows that but he and JD had an agreement that they wouldn't talk about personal stuff. He just calls in as a listener. JD said he doesn't want to stop his dad from doing that stuff but he doesn't hear anyone else's dad calling in.
Chuck said he gets the hint now and he'll figure it out. Howard said JD is holding his father back from his career. Howard said JD is taking away the one joy his father has with this whole thing. Artie said it's up to JD to make his father happy now. Howard pointed out that JD was making a face and dancing around during this call doing the JD Dance the whole time.
JD said his father knows that he's bothered that he calls in. He said he's very personal and trying to have his own life while his father is calling into the show. Howard said it's funny how opposite his father is from JD. Howard found out that JD's dad cursed over 20 times during that Wrap Up Show segment yesterday. Howard and Fred played some more Hawaiian music for JD. Chuck said that the ring tone on his cell phone is the theme song to Hawaii Five-0. He said he's got to change that after hearing all the Hawaiian music.
Howard let Chuck go and spent a little more time talking to JD about this family reunion he's going to. JD said that one of his cousins is a guy by the name of Bubba who was on Survivor one season. He said he's not even sure how he's related to him exactly. Fred continued to play various Hawaiian music during that discussion.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said he can't stand JD. He said that he's a fag's fag and so is his father. Melrose went off on him for a short time and then said he's going to go see Little Richard tonight. He also said he's going to see Artie out in Vegas. Howard thinks that Melrose is pissed that JD stole the job he could have had there... watching TV. Melrose used to call in with TV show clips so Howard was right. Artie didn't realize that until he pointed it out.
Howard let JD go and sent him out with some more Hawaiian music. He ended up talking about the movie ''South Pacific'' because one of the songs had come from the movie. That led to Fred playing more songs. Artie didn't know much about it because he didn't watch a lot of that kind of stuff when he was growing up. Howard went to break a short time later.
In the call the guy talks to himself and has no idea that it's clips of his own voice. Howard said that hasn't been pulled off since Sal called Gary the Retard and had him talking to audio clips of his own voice. He played that call after Richard's call.
Artie said that he took Robin's suggestion to listen to The Vault on SIRIUS. He said he heard some really cool songs like a Beatles song that he had never heard before. He had heard Robin and Howard talk about this song ''Happiness is a Warm Gun'' and it was really good. That led to Howard talking about the cool stuff they're going to have on SIRIUS for the NASCAR season. They'll have different channels for listening to the different driver communications. He said he knows a guy who is really into NASCAR and is going to take his Stiletto to the races so he can listen to the drivers.
Howard said he doesn't get the NASCAR thing and why anyone would want to watch cars going around in circles. Artie doesn't get it either.
Howard got sidetracked and read through some mail about the Joe Francis interview. He got a lot of negative stuff about that interview even though he thought it was kind of funny when he sounded so out of it. The fans were upset about how lame the guy seemed to be. One guy said it was the worst interview he had ever heard. That writer said it seems like Howard and the guys are just star f'ers. Robin thought it was very funny.
Howard said people asked them not to play The Zeros ''H O W A R D'' song because it's old news. There were some people who liked Cyndi Lauper's quick visit yesterday. Some people wanted her to come in and perform some songs sometime.
Lisa G got back to her news rundown. She said that Shuli will be covering Artie out in Vegas. Shuli is hosting the shows out there according to Artie. Lisa said Crazy Alice got her check from the football pool so the talked to her. They spoke to her about Artie and how she thinks he might be back on drugs. Lisa said Alice thinks Howard is putting Artie up to the fights that they've had.
Lisa said Scott Ferrall is also going out to Vegas this weekend. He's doing some shows out there. She said that they have another story about an artist who is doing some art for the Super Bowl. This is the same guy who did the art for the Artie Roast and the Gary Roast.
Artie was talking about going out to Vegas and how he's going to hang with Scott Ferrall and probably end up gambling. Howard asked him if he's going to bet on the Super Bowl. Artie isn't sure about exactly what he's going to bet on but he figures he'll bet on the coin toss and other things. Robin said she hopes he doesn't feel that he has to get crazy just because the news department is covering him.
Howard played some Artie song parodies like ''On The Horse Again'' and Richard Christy's ''Fat Ass'' to the tune of ''Smack That.''
Howard said that George Lopez is going around bad mouthing Jay Leno all over the place. He played a clip of him the other day bad mouthing him and now he's gone on another show and bad mouthed him. George is upset with Jay for some reason and he's not afraid to talk about what he really thinks of Jay. George said that Jay has said some unkind things about him in the past and he's now saying bad things about Jay in the present. Howard said it sounds like George is like him with Leno. He wants to get him back on the show now.
Leonard said he had nerve damage, broken bones and other things. He said he remembers seeing a ray of light shined on his face. He said it smelled bad and he thinks that he was in hell. He said the place was a misty, dark place and he heard God talking to him and if he wanted a second chance in life, he had to change his ways. That meant that he might have to stop being gay.
Leonard said that God told him that he has to warn others about his dangerous lifestyle to stay alive. Howard asked him how hard core he was. Leonard said he was doing both things, taking it in the ass and giving it to other guys as well. He eventually promised to stop being gay after that experience. He said it was a miracle that he lived through the whole thing and he believes that God saved him. Robin asked him if he's perfectly fine now. He said he was but there are a few things he can't do.
Leonard said he is dating a woman now and said that he still has gay thoughts and he may have to live with that for the rest of his life. His girlfriend knows about all of this stuff and he thinks she kind of gets off on it. Howard thinks the guy will eventually go back to being gay. He said he'll probably meet a Brad Pitt like guy and go back to the gay lifestyle.
Howard asked Leonard what his friends thought after that all went down. He said they kind of stopped hanging out with him. He's tried talking to his friends but it's a very touchy subject. Howard said he read that this guy goes into gay chat rooms and starts going off on people. Leonard said some people have thought twice about it so he thinks that it might be working.
Howard said that he must think that being gay is a choice. Leonard said that is the case. He still has gay thoughts though. Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks this guy is full of shit and you can't just make a choice like that. Howard said that the guy talked to God though. The caller said he should have said hello to the Easter Bunny too while he was doing that.
Leonard said he's attracted to men who are kind of feminine looking so the switch to women wasn't that hard. Howard took another call from a guy who said he was a junkie and almost died when he overdosed and the voices he heard were the paramedics, not God. The guy said this guy is like Sylvia Browne and begging for attention. Howard took another call from a guy who said that this guy is still going against God by having sex with a woman who he's not married to. The guy said he is contemplating marriage but they have fornicated out of wedlock. Howard said maybe he should get beat up again and talk to God about that.
Leonard said he has changed a lot of things in his life and started eating meat after being a vegetarian. He said he used to drink a lot of soy milk and now they're saying that could lead to gay tendencies. Howard said he drinks a lot of that stuff and started carrying a Murse so he may be right.
Leonard said he has started to eat more protein and even started to hunt. Howard took a call from a woman who said that this guy is an asshole and a liar. The woman said he was saying he was a switch hitter and then claiming he had never been with a woman. The guy said he was talking about how he can be a top or bottom in the gay sex thing, not about women. He claimed he had never been with a woman before he was with his girlfriend.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that he used to be a black guy until he got beaten up and talked to God who told him to be a white guy. Howard wrapped up with Leonard and was about to let him go. Then Leonard told Howard he's got permanent damage to his sphincter so things aren't so great.
Eric the Midget was back on the phone saying he's not going to give up on this roast thing. Howard said he'll put Eric on a roast to roast them but he's not going to roast him. Eric said he doesn't give a shit and he's giving them the opportunity to do it. Howard said he knows Eric will have demands but Eric got pissed and said that he will not have any demands. Artie said he can't roast this guy. Howard said if they thought it would be funny, they would do it. Howard said the cut away shots on TV would be awful because it's like a human head in a wheelchair. People will think there's something wrong with them if they roast him.
Howard said it would be very hard to do something like that. Artie wanted to know why he's so into this. Eric said he wants to prove that he can take it. Robin said that if he can't take it, then they look like the dicks. Howard said he can't take that chance and it won't be funny. He said Eric is a nice guy and they just can't do it. Eric told Howard that they're a bunch of losers.
Howard said Eric is like those singers on American Idol who get rejected and refuse to leave the room. He's not going to get what he wants this time. Howard said they didn't ask him to do this. Robin said they want him to fly with balloons and he refused to do that.
Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they think they should roast this guy. Benjy said maybe they could do a mini-roast but then gave him a no. Fred said no as well. Artie also voted no, so did Howard and Robin. Sal and Richard were invited to give their thoughts. Richard came in and said no because he's so sad in person. He said he's too little of a guy. Gary said it sounds like a great idea until you have to look him in the eye. Gary said yes because Eric gets on his nerves. Sal also came in and said that he thinks it's funnier that they don't roast him so he says no.
Gary thinks it's funny that they won't give Eric anything he wants. He wants to fly with balloons and now they won't let him do it. He wants to be roasted, they won't let him. Eric said ''Fuck you all... '' and Howard let him go a short time later. Sal told him to call in tomorrow and beg not to be roasted. Maybe they will roast him then.
Howard played an audio clip from Extra where they report that she's upset about a comment Howard Stern made about her being fat. That led to Howard talking about how Mariah is fat these days and she shouldn't be so proud to show off that body in Playboy. He said she's not even nude in the magazine and no one wants to see that.
Howard spent a few minutes goofing on Mariah Carey for some of the comments she made in that interview they were talking about. She claims that the reason her movie Glitter failed is because it came out around 9/11/01. Howard said the movie was just awful, that's why it failed. He had to take another break since it had been so long since the last one.
Howard said there was a report in the paper today where they claim he's getting closer to giving an engagement ring to Beth. He thinks that came from the conversation they had on the air about that whole thing. In the article they say that he's still a family guy. He doesn't understand that because he's divorced. Gary thinks that Howard really is close to asking Beth to marry him from what he's heard Howard talking about. He said that Howard talked about what he should spend on a ring if he was going to buy one for Beth. Howard said he's not so sure he's going to do that though.
Robin said that they have had conversations about getting married so it does look like they're thinking seriously about it. Howard asked Artie if he's ever thought about having a wedding after going to someone else's wedding. Howard said that he and his wife had a conversation like that at Gary's wedding years ago. He said if he was going to get married again some day, that's how he'd like to do it.
Howard said he thinks Robin would get married if she found the right guy. Robin said she's never seen a marriage that has worked for her so she would never do that. Gary said he had a list of rings that celebrities have purchased for their wives. He read through a list of people like Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, and many other celebrities who have had huge rocks either purchased for them or have purchased them for their wives.
Howard wanted to know more about why diamonds are so expensive. He asked Gary to get Steven Singer from Steven Singer Jewelers on the phone so he could ask him about that stuff. While he waited for that he spent some time talking to Artie about what he'll be playing when he's out in Vegas. Artie talked about some of the games he might be playing out there this weekend. He likes poker and played in a Texas Holdem tournament recently and came in second place.
Howard asked Artie how much the diamond was that he bought for Dana. Artie said that was $50,000 and it was probably stolen. Fred said his wife let him off easy and didn't make him go too nuts with the ring. He said it was maybe $8,000. Howard said that sounds reasonable to him. Fred said he upped that after they were married because all of a sudden the size of the ring mattered to her.
Ralph called in and said that Howard will get married soon but he shouldn't get married. He wondered why Howard would ruin such a great relationship by getting married. He doesn't understand why he'd fuck that whole thing up. Howard said that Bubba was talking about how things have changed for him already and he's only been married a few weeks. He said that he heard Bubba's wife telling Brent that she should blow Bubba if he loves him so much. Bubba was upset by that and thought it was a chore for her.
Gary said that Ralph doesn't leave any room in a relationship or someone to grow. Gary said people do change over time. Ralph said that no one comes to him and tells him that getting married is great. Ralph said he'd hate to see someone screw up their life by getting married. Howard said Ralph doesn't even want a girl in his apartment for any extended amount of time. Ralph called him the other day and said he was so glad he didn't have anyone there because he was able to watch TV all weekend.
Fred said that getting married is like sharing your life, you don't do it because you're lonely. Ralph said he knows a lot of people who get into these situations that they just can't handle and they shouldn't get married. Gary said Ralph will be 75 and alone watching Battlestar Galictica in bed. Artie said he's worried that he's going to grow old and be alone. Howard said Artie will probably never get old at the rate he's going. He's all fat and even Artie has said that he probably won't live past 50.
Artie wanted to know if Ralph ever feels like that. Ralph said he thinks that if he does get old, and he's alone, he'll be that really angry guy yelling at kids to get off his lawn. Howard said that he's been with Beth for 7 years now and he is getting older. He thinks he's got his head screwed on better now. To him it's more realistic to do it to make the lives of their families easier. Ralph said Howard brought that up with him one day and he doesn't think that it's the right reason to get married. He said that they shouldn't be looking to please other people, they should be thinking about their own lives... fuck other people.
Howard said that people would treat Beth differently if they were married. Gary asked Ralph if he would feel different about her if she was married to Howard. Ralph said he doesn't think he would. He also doesn't think that Beth really wants to be married but the guys laughed and said they think she does but she won't say it. Howard said he'd get married to Beth if he felt it would make her happier.
Gary thinks this is like chipping away at the Berlin wall and getting married would be one step closer to Howard having another kid. Howard said he really doesn't want another kid. The guys think that Howard will have another kid some day though.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that maybe they should just get engaged and drag that out for a long time. Howard said Beth would like to get a ring and maybe they could do that. Jessica said that he shouldn't get married if they're not going to have kids. Jessica got a ring from her boyfriend and felt she wanted one just so people knew that they were together.
Gary told Howard to take out the financial aspect of the whole thing and think about what it would be like if he didn't have the money. Howard said that he's going to keep the money and no one else gets anything. It would be very hard for Howard to break up with Beth emotionally because he really does love her. The two of them breaking up would be just as tough for Howard now as it would be if they were married. He brought up Eddie Murphy and his wife and how they had a pre-nup where he wouldn't let her write a book.
Jessica told Howard to just go elope already. Robin said that is not allowed because she wants to see the wedding. Howard said Robin would not be invited because he couldn't have her sitting there laughing at him. Howard would have the listeners to the wedding before he had Robin. Robin told him he owes her because he didn't invite her to his first wedding.
Artie told a story about Tim Sabean and how he asked him to come out to Vegas with him but Tim said he had to ask his wife about it. Artie said he can't imagine having to ask for permission to do something like that. Gary asked Howard if he wanted to go to Atlantic City with the guys if he could go. Howard said he would be kind of restricted but it's also respecting her. He said he might have to negotiate stuff like that.
Ralph asked Howard to find a situation where he wouldn't want Beth with him. Howard said he wants her with him all the time. Gary said that if the guys just wanted to go to Atlantic City for the weekend, Howard might want to be away from her though. Howard would probably want her there though.
Sal came in and told Howard not to get married. He said that the reason they get along so well is because Beth doesn't have the two bags of cash. He said the women bait you into getting married and that's what they're all after. Once they get that, they change. Sal said that if Howard closes the deal, and shit happens, she can walk away with his money. Sal said that when her ass blows up in 15 years, Howard is going to want another woman and he'll have to pay her off.
Gary asked Sal why he's not leaving his wife. Sal said that's because no one else wants him. He told Howard not to get married. Howard said he could change in 5 years and he might be back to going to clubs and stuff. Sal said that he looks at his wife sometimes and wonders how he got her. Sal said he pays about $2,000 a month for his mortgage and he thinks about how many whores he could bang with that kind of money. He told Howard he could be fucking until his dick falls off if he wanted to and he doesn't need to be married.
Gary said that Jessica has a very unique relationship. Artie said it's very ''L.A.'' Jessica gets money from this guy Ron and lives in her own house and the guy comes over to bang her once in a while. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard is listening to two of the biggest Howard homos there are. He said that it's not the marriage that ruins relationships, people just change over time and that's why they go bad.
The guys spent some time talking about how Tim Sabean's wife is really cool but even he has to get permission from her to do certain things. Another caller changed subjects and asked why Howard wasn't on the list of the top 10 moments on David Letterman's show. Howard said the list was fine and he didn't seem to mind that he wasn't on the list. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that list.
Tim Sabean came in and said he agrees with Ralph about how you shouldn't worry about what other people think and just do things for yourself.
Howard pointed out that Gregg Karmel from Howard TV had just gotten a promotion recently. He's been bumped up to Producer. Gary and Gregg were pouring the crap into the barrel and Artie thought it was a big waste of food. He could have been drinking and eating all of that stuff. Robin asked of those portions were the right size for Artie. Howard said that's the exact same stuff Artie eats.
Artie said he was getting hungry watching all of that stuff going into the barrel. They threw in all the candy, Italian food, Hawaiian Punch, Coke and everything else Artie eats throughout the day. Howard told Artie that's what he eats every day and Artie said he doesn't feel any different. He jokingly said that he's not going to eat anymore. Gary weighed the barrel and said that it was over 9 pounds of food. That was one day's worth of food for Artie.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she thinks it would be tough for Howard to get married again to someone who isn't the mother of his children. She said she's been divorced and knows what that's like. She spent a short time going over that before Howard hung up on her and took a call from Dominic Barbara.
Dominic gave Howard some advice about what he could do to keep Beth from writing a book about him some day. Howard said he wouldn't care about that. He's got nothing to hide like Eddie Murphy may. He said maybe Beth could write about him lying about his chess score or something like that.
Gary asked Howard about his chess playing and how that must drive Beth nuts. He said he's not so worried about that because he knows Howard goes through phases. He said he's got a $6,000 bike sitting in a basement somewhere that he never rides. Howard said he doesn't know why Gary thinks he knows him so well. He said he rode that bike all summer one year. He stopped riding because he was getting injured. He never discussed that on the air though. Howard let a Baba Booey song parody play and said he would buy an album full of that stuff.
Howard said maybe they should roast Dominic Barbara. Gary said the perfect person to roast is Donald Trump because the guy thinks he can handle it but inevitably, he can't.
Benjy asked Howard if he and Beth have ever discussed her converting to Judaism. Howard said they have never talked about that because he thinks all religion is bullshit. Benjy also asked if he's consulted at all about a pre-nup. Howard said he hasn't gotten that far.
Gary told Howard that Bob Levy just e-mailed him and said that Joan Rivers might be the right person to roast. Howard thought about doing Joey Buttafuoco. He also said that maybe Bill O'Reilly would be good. He had to go to break after that.
Steve said that they have another story about this guy Petey Green who had a movie made about him. Howard appeared on his show one time so that's why they'll be talking about that. Steve wrapped up and got in a plug for tonight's Superfan Roundtable that airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein who gave them a rundown of the stories they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. Artie returning to the show is one story. Howard's possible marriage to Beth will be another story they'll cover. Howard asked Jon if he thinks he should get married or not. Jon said he thinks he should not get married. Jon also said they'll be talking about Eric the Midget an his demands to be roasted. They'll also talk about JD and his father.
Howard had Mutt on the line and let him talk about what they'll be discussing on Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they'll be talking about who they think should be roasted. Mutt thinks they should stick to someone on the show. Howard let him go a short time later and said the show airs at 7pm on Howard 101. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
Keith said that he's behind Artie and everyone dogging him isn't cool. Howard didn't think they were attacking him. Artie didn't think they were either. Keith said that Artie is his own person and they should leave him alone. Keith said he's coming down to New York in February so he wants to come in and hang out again. Howard told him to come on down.
Howard took a call from another guy who told Artie that the Beatles song he was talking about earlier, ''Happiness is Like a Warm Gun,'' is about heroin. Howard and Fred then started singing the song to him. They also talked about how John Lennon may have used heroin. They spent a minute on that. The guy on the phone was this guy Paulie who calls in every time that Henry Hill is on the show. He said he'd like to roast Henry Hill on the show. Howard said if that's going to happen, he'd love to have Henry on the show. Howard thought Paulie was in the mob but he said he never was. He knew Henry from other things.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that if Howard's relationship ain't broke, don't fix it. He said that it's going to cost him a lot of money to get married and there's no reason to fuck up a good thing. Mike also asked Howard if he ever dated Robin Givens. Howard said he did go out on a few dates with her. He wouldn't say if he banged her or not. He told Mike that he'll talk to her about that if she ever comes on the show. Howard told him to call back tomorrow and he'll talk about that stuff more. He didn't want to say how many black chicks he had been with. He did say that he thinks black women are beautiful though.
Howard mentioned that he's got this great new computer that Jeff Schick turned him on to. He said that this thing weighs just 2 pounds and he can use the internet in his car (limo) while being driven around. He said it's really amazing how far the technology has come. He was playing chess in the car and was amazed by that.
Howard was talking about how ''Little Miss Sunshine'' saying that it wasn't all that great. Ralph called in and said he agrees with him on that. The movie wasn't all that it was hyped up to be. Ralph said he was calling in to give his Super Bowl pic. He was going with the Bears and gave the guys his thoughts on why that was. He likes their colors and had a few other things he mentioned.
Howard asked Artie who he thinks is going to win. Artie said he's going to go with the Colts. He thinks they'll cover the spread as well. He's going with the over in the game too. Robin had some audio clips from some of the people involved with this weekend's game so they played those and talked about what they think will happen.
Artie was going nuts during the news talking about how stressed out he was about this weekend. He's stressed about the comedy shows he's doing but the betting is what's really driving him nuts. He said he can't stop thinking about the betting and he knows there's got to be something that he's missing that would be the perfect bet. He's leaving for Vegas tonight at 8 and will get to Vegas at about 11pm. He's got friends going out there with him and he'll be hanging out with Scott Ferrall who really gets him going.
After taking a break Howard mentioned that they have the Stupid Bowl coming up this weekend on Howard TV. That will be available to watch during half time of the big game. Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about that game which features some of the guys on the show and a bunch of drag queens.
Howard took a call from Steven Singer who told Howard to not get married. He did tell Howard that he should spend about $50,000 and that would be plenty. He doesn't have to spend millions like some people think. He said he's got people who spend up to half a million on rings but he thinks Howard would be very happy with something around fifty grand.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard that some porn star was hooking up for a booty call this weekend out in Vegas and he was wondering if it was Artie. Artie said it wasn't him and he would tell them if he had something like that planned. Howard figured Artie was going to hook up with some whore out there but Artie said he's really not sure what he's going to be doing this weekend.
Wolfie called in and told Howard about some celebrities who had kids when they were older. Bill O'Reilly was 54 when he had his last kid. Letterman was 59, OJ Simpson was 51, frank Gifford was 62, Seinfeld was 51, Michael Douglas was 58, Imus was 66, Kasey Kasem was 68 and Larry King was 65. Wolfie thinks Howard still has a chance to have another kid.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard started off the show saying that things were getting crowded in the studio already. They were preparing for a Super Bowl party. Howard said they had some towels for everyone but they were the size of Handi-wipes. He was also complaining that Jackie was smelling like garlic these days and he didn't think he was eating that stuff. Jackie said he had a ton of it the night before. He thought it was odd that Howard could even smell it. Howard said it must have been coming from his breath and pores.
Howard said something was disturbing him by the setup in the studio. He had to figure out how he could conduct the radio show while he's getting his massage during the party. He said Scott is rewiring the whole studio just so they can have this party today. Gary thought about canceling the party but he kept thinking about seeing this stewardess topless.
Howard had his sweatpants on today for the party. Everyone else was in something similar. He wondered what Jackie was wearing because they looked like cardboard pants or something. Jackie said they're the same as sweatpants and showed them to Howard. Howard told him to sit down. Robin could see that he wasn't wearing any underwear, she could see the crack of his ass when he stood up.
Howard thought about not wearing underwear today because once they get full of oil, it'll make a mess. He brought extra clothes today because he had to shoot the TV show later on. Robin said there were people who were upset that they weren't having the usual kind of Super Bowl party where they do it off the air. Howard didn't think it was that much different than having it off the air.
Howard described one of the calls that Janks made and how he set up this thing where they had a show calling Kevin from the newsletter to make it seem like the two of them hadn't spoken to each other in a long time.
Howard said that he was already aroused from wearing his sweat pants. The caller told Howard the screeners at Larry King tried to catch him by asking him to spell the name of the city he was from but he was able to get through anyway. He played the call for Howard and he asked Larry what Fidel Castro thinks of Howard Stern. Larry says he didn't hear the call and hung up on him.
Captain Janks was on the line and told the guy that this is not a race and he's not in a competition to beat anyone else. They're all going for the same cause here. They're all promoting Howard Stern and they should join forces. Janks said he's not mad at this guy and he thinks they should all team up for making the calls.
Howard said it's like this guy is starting the West Coast Wack Pack. He told the two of them that they can swap their phone numbers and create a team of prank callers. Janks told Howard about another call he made recently and went into an explanation that made Howard dizzy. He let the two of them go a short time later.
Howard said he and the guys spent a couple of hours drawing pictures of Gary after the show yesterday. He said that once you start, you can't stop and the teeth get bigger and bigger the more you draw. He said they had good intentions to write some bits and stuff but they end up drawing Gary and Dan Forman pictures. Jackie said they did write some stuff but then they got to drawing Gary.
Howard said they all draw these pictures and hang them on a wall if they're good enough. Gary said they're always too busy for anything else if he goes back there but they don't have a problem taking time to draw pictures of him. Howard said the pictures aren't funny until Gary actually looks at them. He said they make him read them before they'll let him bring anything up. He said Gary will try to laugh at the pictures but it's a fake laugh.
Robin said she's going to have to go back to the office to see these pictures. Howard said that Fred started the whole thing back when they started drawing pictures of Dan Forman. Jackie saved all of those pictures. Jackie said you never know when you'll need them so he held onto them. Jackie said they now have a gallery of Fred's art. Howard said it's all inside jokes too so no one would get it if they saw them.
Howard said he was trying to come up with a caption for his picture the other day and Gary came in and asked him a question so that ended up being the caption. Howard said that's how they spend there days back in the office. He said they also got a Spider-Man that they hung on the window to make it look like he was crawling up it. He said they really have to go back there to have fun and unwind.
Howard said he used to get money from his father and he'd only send him $75 for rent and $100 for expenses throughout the month. As he was talking about that he remembered that he didn't get any money to give as tips this morning. He asked Gary to go get some cash for him and he'd pay him back. Fred said he might be able to run down and get some cash for him too. He could only get about $300. Robin offered up another $100 and Jackie said he had hundreds and hundreds of dollars on him. Howard said he wouldn't have to ask Gary to get it if he had just told him he had some money.
Jackie went through his wallet looking for money and found he had about $500 in there. Howard said they might have to break his hundreds to pay the girls. Howard wondered what to pay the girls and $150 to $200 was mentioned. Gary thought that was way too much but Howard thought they should be generous with the girls. He didn't have any money on him though so he had to come up with something.
Gary told Howard he over tips. Howard asked Jackie what he thought about the tipping. Jackie didn't know but threw out $100 a piece for each of the girls. Howard said he wanted to kick in a little more than that. Gary said he only had $9 on him so they might have to front him the money too. Howard asked him if he has access to a cash machine. Gary said ''I guess I do'' so Howard goofed on him about the way he answered that question. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he thinks the Bills are going to win the game. Gary said some of the guys from the Redskins might be calling in later on.
Howard said they have to come up with a rotation for going through the women they have coming in. Jackie had an idea for how to do it but Howard thought that he wasn't making any sense. Gary came in again and said that little Lisa was going to be a little late this morning. Howard sounded upset by that and said she always screws things up like that.
Howard said Tom Chiusano called him last night and told him not to be too graphic on the air during this party today. He said Tom is always covering his ass like that. He said he also had the opportunity to buy Infinity stock so Tom was asking him about that. He asked Robin if she's going to buy some herself. She said she was thinking about it but she wasn't sure. Howard said that Infinity is going public. The last time they did that they bought the stock at like $12 a share and they bought it back at $39. He said they never thought the company would do that well on the stock market.
Howard said that Jackie bought a bunch of stock and ended up selling it off at a loss during a stockmarket crash. He ended up losing a lot of money during that whole thing. Howard said Jackie really had a hang dog look when he saw that the rest of them had sold off their stock at $39. Jackie said he had about $10,000 worth of that stock back then and he still made like $8,000.
Howard asked Gary how much stock he's buying. Gary said he's going to buy a little bit but Mike Gange is going to buy some and put it on his Discover card. He said he only makes like $65 a week so it would take him forever to pay that off. Gange said he has a large limit on the card so he was going to write a check on that account and pay for the stock like that. Howard asked him more about the whole deal and found out that the checks are not considered cash, it's like a regular charge. Howard said it's just like cash because you still have to pay it off.
Howard said that there are a lot of guys in radio who are doing better than they are. He said he and Robin make enough to pay taxes, mortgage and things like that but that's about it. Howard said they may have to put everything on the line and buy as much of this stock as possible. They spent a minute on that before Howard asked where the girls were. Gary said it was all up to Howard.
Howard said the room was completely pitch black and they were all stripping down. Gary was wearing underpants so Howard told him he had to strip down to nothing. He went around the room trying to get the microphones set up for everyone. He said it kind of smelled bad in there so he wondered who didn't bathe last night. He figured it was Scott the Engineer who smelled like smoke.
Howard said they should work like this every day there in the studio. He said it was kind of a dusk-like atmosphere in there. He said the girls should be really turned on when they see him in his towel. He told Fred he was making him look bad and asked him to remove his underwear. Fred said he was going to do that but not right away.
Howard said he wants this Banana Paste girl first. Gary wanted another one of the girls but Howard told him that the other guys might have to choose before him. Robin said Fred should pick next. Fred said he'd take the stewardess since he knew that Gary wanted her. Howard asked Jackie who he wanted, the mother or the daughter. Jackie took the mother since she probably knows how to do it better than the daughter.
Gary brought in the girls so Howard said hello to some of them. He said the mother in the mother/daughter team looked like she could be the daughter. He spoke to the Banana Paste girl and then talked to the mother and daughter and the mother was going to keep her clothes on. Howard thought Gary had set up this party and had everything set up. She was going to keep her dress on and Howard didn't think that was going to work. The Stewardess was going to be topless.
Gary told Howard that someone had shown up unannounced so they could swap out the mother. That person was Zorina so Howard asked Jackie if he wanted her instead. He quickly accepted the offer so Howard told Gary to get rid of the mother since she didn't seem to be all that into it. Zorina came in a short time later and Howard seemed to be happy to see her. She showed the guys her huge boobs and shocked everyone with them. Howard asked her how big she was. She said she's at a 64-F. Howard said Jackie likes them big so she's perfect for him.
Howard was on his back having the Banana Paste girl rub him down. He said it was pretty erotic and he was getting pretty excited over it. She said she has never done that before but she was enjoying it. Howard said it felt kind of sticky and it didn't smell like bananas. Robin told Howard what the other guys were up to with their girls. Howard was on his back while the other guys were on their stomachs. Howard said this girl was eating cherries off of his belly. She said the cherries were good. Howard said he's never had anything like that done to him before. Robin wasn't surprised.
Howard was the only one talking while the other guys were staying quiet while getting their massages. Gary said his girl was giving a great massage. Howard said he loved having the cherry eating off his stomach. He said it felt really good. She even went down to his thigh and ate one off of there. Robin thought that was kind of wrong but he didn't have a problem with it at all. She was only eating a cherry. Howard asked her if she eats cherries off of her boyfriend. She said she does do that for him too.
Howard wasn't getting much of a rubdown but he didn't really care. He was happy he just had some contact. Howard joked that Gary had just broken up with his girlfriend because of this. Gary said that wasn't true and he loves his girlfriend. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in at that point so Howard asked him what he was doing there. Ronnie said he wanted to get a rubdown but Howard told him he'd get one later.
Howard blamed Stuttering John for the fact that they didn't have one of their regular Super Bowl parties. Howard was ready to swap women around that point but Gary was enjoying his too much so he said ''No!'' Howard told Gary to stand up to see if he was aroused at all. Howard got another cherry eaten off his stomach so he was going crazy over that.
Howard said that Theresa the Banana Paste girl was inspired to rub him down better when he said he was ready to swap girls. Gary said his girl really knew what to do. He told Howard that they had more girls just walk in as they were talking about that. Howard said he was realizing that he's a man and he has certain needs. He said they should call Jackie's wife to talk to her about what's going on. He stood up to see what Jackie was up to over there.
Howard told Ronnie to lay down so he could get a rub down. Then he said he had to take a commercial break but kept going for a short time. He said he was going to take some phone calls and then told Scott he was going to take a break with some bits and stuff.
Jackie said that Ronnie was torturing John telling him that it was time to get undressed so he could get his massage. Howard asked Theresa if she was done. She thought he was done with the massage and wanted to swap girls. Howard had her continue to rub him down. Howard said he thought the other guys were having all the fun while he was doing all the work. He decided to swap girls at that point. He said that Carmen the stewardess was coming over to him and she took her top off for him.
Jackie had two women according to Robin. It turned out Ronnie had one girl and Jackie had another. Howard said his girl was rubbing down his legs and nothing else. He told Scott to keep his eyes forward and not watch him getting the massage. Howard didn't like that he was doing all of this talking while the guys were having so much fun.
Howard took some phone calls and one of them was Jackie's wife Nancy. She said she was listening and that the whole thing is disgusting. She said she knows that she and Jackie have a pretty good sex life but she's not going to touch him if he's going to do this stuff. While she was going off on them, Robin said that Jackie's girl was crawling up his back. Nancy said that she'd talk to Jackie in about two weeks after she calms down.
Ronnie said they had an accident over there because the cherry juice got spilled. Howard said Carmen was getting very aggressive with her massage. Howard told the guys to let him know when he had to break for commercial. Carmen told Howard that he has a great body so he had her repeat that so everyone could hear it. Howard figured it was time for a break. He said they could call some guys and torture them by bragging about the party. Howard noticed that his girl was wearing a hat in there so he asked her to take that off. He also told Scott to stop looking at him. (The commercial break was edited out)
Howard said he was having the worst time laying there with Scott looking at him. Scott said it was funny looking at him while he was laying there trying to read the commercial copy he had. Robin pointed out Gary's fat belly and goofed on him a little bit.
Howard wanted to switch girls again. He said he's never going to do this again because the other guys are having fun and he's doing all the work. He asked for another girl so Gary sent over Nicole. She told Howard his body was pretty tight. Howard said her body was tight as well and she was only 18 years old. Howard said she gives the best massage. He said he can see why these guys like Joe Piscopo run off with the young girls.
Howard said Scott was really bumming him out by staring at him. He said he was a little thrown off by this girl because she was rubbing his thighs down. Howard went around the room and asked some of the guys what they were doing. He told Fred that this girl Nicole was the best. Howard said that everyone in the room was topless. He asked Nicole if she was having fun. She said she really enjoyed it because his body was so tight. Jackie told him that she had probably rubbed down Grandpa Al last night, that's why she thought he was so tight.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about this guy Bill Clinton who was thinking of running for President. He and Robin talked about how he was accused of cheating on his wife while he was governor. Howard and the guys spent a short time on that. Carmen said Howard needs an older woman who won't talk to the press.
Jackie said that his girl was massaging his feet. She obviously wasn't a listener because she didn't know about his ten nail syndrome which made him lose all of his toenails. She didn't seem to care though. Gary told Howard that Mike Gange told him that he's getting kind of aroused in the back office listening to this stuff.
Howard spent a minute talking to Zorina who was rubbing down Ronnie. He said that this is a real man's party when they have girls rubbing them down like this. Jackie said he's having a lot more fun than he did yesterday while they were drawing pictures of Gary. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked for Lisa to come over to him. Gary said she was almost upset that she didn't call him over sooner. Howard said that Zorina's hands were really soft but it turns out it wasn't her hands that she was using to rub him down. She was using her whole body. Howard told Robin she should do this kind of stuff to her man.
Gary said that the Israeli girl brought beach oil with her and she uses that on herself and uses it to rub them down. He said her skills were very unique. Howard said he wants to have a party like this every Friday. He asked where the rest of the guys were because they weren't making any noise. Gary said he was there but the other guys weren't saying much of anything.
Howard said it was time to switch girls again so he asked for Lisa to rub him down. Howard let Zorina go and said the girls were all fighting over him. He told Lisa not to wear her pants while she rubs him down. He tried taking a call while that was going on. The guy tried to ask Howard a question but Lisa was distracting him so it was like he wasn't even hearing the guy.
Ronnie bragged that he had two girls over by him. He was going nuts over that. Fred didn't have any girls at all. Howard went back to the phone and asked the guy what was up. The guy said that maybe he should come down and have some fun with them. Howard told him to have his own party. Howard told Scott to take another call. The caller said that Howard sucks and Mark and Brian rule. Howard went to another call after saying that those two are going down. Lisa joked that Howard had something popping up there. Howard told her to calm down with that.
Gary screwed up and spilled some oil on the carpet. Howard told him he was going to screw up everything for everyone if he kept that up. He went to break right after that.
Robin got into some news stories while the guys were still getting rubbed down. She talked about Bill Clinton getting into some hot water after a woman revealed that he had cheated on his wife. Robin continued to do her news but Howard got distracted when his girl was rubbing his rib cage. He said she's obviously done that before. Robin continued to do her news and one of the girls told Howard that Ronnie was losing the hair on his back as she was rubbing him down. It was sticking to her hands.
Howard continued to have Robin go through her news. He said he wanted to have the cherry thing done to him one more time before they were done with this. He eventually got two girls rubbing him down. One of the girls said they were laying on Howard so he said that wasn't true. Robin was ready to walk in there to see exactly what was going on. Robin got into a few more news stories while the girls continued to rub everyone down. Howard eventually said he as getting bored with this because the massages were getting kind of lethargic. That didn't stop him from getting the massage though. He kept the girls there and let them continue to rub him down.
Lisa started spanking Jackie for no apparent reason. Jackie said he didn't know where that came from. Howard then started to get a little spanking done on him as well. He said he had Carmen and Theresa on him at that point. Zorina was back over at Ronnie. Jackie said it was getting kind of cold in there. Howard agreed but didn't do anything about it. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said he liked a couple of the girls who rubbed him down. He asked the girls if they liked him and one of the girls was telling him how much she liked his eyes. Jackie said that he had to start rubbing down his massage girl after the other guys started doing it. Howard said that's cheating. Jackie pointed out that Howard was getting rubbed down with hooters and that wasn't cheating but rubbing down one of the girls was? Howard told him to shut up.
Robin read through some more news stories while the guys continued their rubdowns. Howard asked Zorina to give him one more good massage. He thought that he might be getting jaded because he's not sure he wants to do this again next year. He said he's gotten it out of his system now. He thinks that Zorina was the best massage girl out of all of them. Gary liked them all. She told Howard she had to fly in from Phoenix to get there. Jackie said she had to buy 3 tickets... for her and her two giant boobs.
Howard spoke to Zorina about her huge boobs and found out she's been told not to go any bigger than the 64-F she has now. She said she doesn't plan on going any bigger. Howard spent a short time with her and then had Robin get back into her news. He said he was getting kind of bored with the rubdown she was giving him.
Robin brought up one story about Whoopi Goldberg getting her own TV show. Howard wondered who would buy that show and thought it would suck. Then Gary told him that she might be coming in soon so Howard changed his tune and said it might be good. Robin read through a few more stories before Howard asked her if she was done. Robin was done with her news so Howard went to break and said he'd take some calls after that.
Howard asked Lisa if she was still alive back there. She wasn't doing much of anything back there. He had Robin go through a few more news stories. Everyone was getting dressed at that point even though Howard was still getting a rubdown. Gary said he was done because he had to start cleaning up a bit.
Howard said he must not be any fun. Then one of the girls asked if she could sit on his face. Howard told the guys to hit the delay on that comment. He wrapped up with the girls a short time later and got off the floor. Robin said no one wanted to touch anything because they were all oily.
Howard said goodbye to the girls and then took some phone calls. One guy asked how the party was and said that it sounded like it was just alright because it was hard to picture what was going on there. One guy told Howard how hilarious he thinks he is. He brought up one of the bits they did on the Channel 9 show where he had green goop dripping out of his injured head. Howard and Robin talked about how funny that bit ''Head Injury Club for Men'' was. Howard said the green stuff was apple sauce with green coloring in it. He spent a minute talking about that. He said he hardly ever laughs while on camera but that day he couldn't help it.
Howard talked to Ronnie about the girls he had with him. Ronnie said the girls run to him because he knows how to handle them. Howard pointed out that Ronnie is really hairy so you wouldn't think the girls would be into him that much.
Howard got dressed and asked the guys what they thought about the party. They all liked it and Gary said that Howard is his boss and his god after that. Howard said the girls were very loving and very giving. Gary thought the Israeli girl was probably the best at giving a massage. Howard thought that Zorina was kind of comatose which isn't normal for her. Jackie said she may not have gotten any sleep last night because she was working.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had one complaint about the show. He said they did a commercial on Wednesday for a workman's comp commercial and he wonders why he would do that. Howard said that when you listen to the radio, they get paid to do commercials. if he wants the show to be on, they need sponsors and he has to read commercials for some of them. He told the guy that if he doesn't like the commercial, he can ignore it. If he likes something, he can call the number or buy the product.
The caller said that the commercial he did was for stress related compensation and he didn't like it because he's a small business owner. Howard said that he gets paid to read commercials, there's no morality involved with them. He said that he doesn't eat red meat but if they came to him and asked him to read a commercial about eating beef, he's going to tell everyone that it's great. He told the guy to use his brains and get over it. He said he believes in a lot of the stores he advertises.
Howard asked Jackie who his favorite massage girl was. Jackie said it was probably the Israeli girl. Howard said she was giving him some strange looks while she was rubbing him down. He said that Little Lisa was really rough with her massage and it was kind of a disappointment. He got that out of his system though and no longer wants a massage from her.
Jackie said the most disappointing thing was the cherry girl's voice. He was really annoyed by that. They were also talking about how fat Gary has gotten. Gary came in and said that he knows he's out of shape, he's the first one to say it, but he can bounce back. He said that everyone in there goes up and down with their weight so it's not just him. He ended up goofing on Robin about her weight a little bit. He said he's working on getting thin again but he's a chocoholic and it's not that easy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's going to miss the stories that they used to tell when they had Super Bowl parties off the air. Howard said he just can't do those anymore. The guy said he always looked forward to the Monday after the Super Bowl but now he won't be. The caller said that they should have a party on Sunday anyway. He said they must be more uninhibited when they're alone. Howard said that's the problem with those parties.
Howard let that guy go and called his buddy Wayne Siegel. He didn't have the right number so he had to try again. He got a hold of him a short time later. Wayne said he heard the show. Ronnie asked him why he didn't come down. Wayne said he wasn't invited. Ronnie wasn't invited either, he just crashed the party. Howard told Wayne he missed him. Wayne said he's glad they had a good time. Howard hung up on him as he was saying he hoped they weren't calling just to rub it in.
Howard took some more phone calls. He had a couple of people calling in to complain about not getting their ''Crucified by the FCC'' tapes. One guy complained about G. Gordon Liddy following their show on the station down in Washington DC. Howard told the guy to give Gordon a chance, it's just his first week. Howard figured the guy was probably the midday guy that was replaced by Liddy.
Howard took another call and said he really had to get out of there. He was covered in oil. He took some more callers and one of them said she wanted to apologize for all of the mental midgets that were calling in from L.A. She didn't have much of anything else to say though.
Howard said the girl who ate cherries off of him left him a card where she's almost naked. Ronnie said he's glad he made it there today. He wasn't going to be there but he finished up his two jobs early and got there in time. Howard was going to take another phone call because he was finally ready to do a radio show after that party. The caller said the party was fantastic. Howard wondered if he could visualize what was going on. The guy said he actually had to shut the radio off in his store because it was getting too graphic. The guy suggested that they do the show from the Super Bowl next year. Howard got annoyed with that guy and hung up on him. He told Robin they had to get out of there after that.
Robin had a couple more news stories to go through before they ended the show. She quickly went through that stuff. Howard had some fun goofing on some of the stuff she brought up. After wrapping up Howard ended the show around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).