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| Friday | |
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Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show as he does often. He said he was surrounded by illness though. Artie was there but he's still sick. Howard said he was going to call Artie over the weekend to find out how he was doing but he never got around to it. Now Artie is complaining that he's still ill so he told him to go home.
Artie said that there's a weird thing about working there because Howard always comes to work when he's sick so he feels he has to do the same. Then he thinks about how he might get Howard sick and he feels he has to go home before that happens. Howard told him that there were rumors that he was back on heroin when he called in sick on Thursday. Artie said he knows, he heard about that. He also said that he went out house shopping on Friday and that didn't go over very well.
Artie said that he's gotten notes from a lot of real estate agents and they all seem to know what price range he should be in. He told Howard and Robin that they've basically talked him out of buying a house after what they did to him last week. He said he did see a really nice place though. There was a nice bar and a pool room that he could have used.
Robin asked Artie if he really wants to buy a house like that. Artie heard that and said that he wants them to save that clip for the Wrap Up Show today so she can hear herself talking. Artie also said that if he did buy this house, he'd only have to change his schedule by about 15 minutes to get to work on time. The house has six bedrooms and he could fill it with his dirt bag friends.
Howard asked Artie if he could live in a place that big alone. Artie said he'd be fine. The place even has a room for a maid. He went on to say that he was feeling better on Friday until he went out to look at the house. He started getting sick again after doing that. He said he heard Ronnie was sick today as well.
Howard said Gary is sick as well and JD is still sick after he went out to the AVN awards in Las Vegas. He said he's just surrounded by sick people. Howard thinks that Ronnie is sick because of what went down at Scores. He said there had to have been a misunderstanding because no one has ever offered to blow him over there. Artie said he's never had that offered to him either. Robin told them that's because they're not cops. Howard said he's had a knee in his groin but that's about it.
Fred played a song parody where they had Ronnie's ''Let's fuck some whores!'' line. Ronnie came in a short time later and said that nothing went down with those girls actually doing something over there. Robin and Howard thought it was funny that Ronnie thought the girls had to have actually done something with the cops. Ronnie said that this stuff is bad news for that club because now women won't let their husbands go to the club because they think there's prostitution going on.
Howard explained to Ronnie that the cops can't do anything with the girls. Ronnie thinks that the guys have to hand the girls money to get busted. Robin said that there's some controversy about even asking a question like that in a strip club. Howard said that maybe the girls were trying to point out evil-doers over there. He's not even sure how anyone can hear what anyone is saying over there because the music is so loud. He had Fred play some loud music to demonstrate what that conversation might be like.
Robin said she read that some manager over there had approved the sex thing with the girls. Howard said he's pissed because he was never even offered a blow job. He said that Beth told him that's what must go on there. Ronnie said he didn't know anything about that until he saw it on the news one night over the weekend. Then his wife asked him if it had ever happened to him after he broke into a cold sweat. He said he told his wife that nothing like that had ever happened to him. He said he usually hangs out in the restaurant.
Howard said he's very upset by the whole thing and he wants to hear from Lonnie over there to see what they're saying. Ronnie said he'll try to get him to make a statement. He said he was watching the news and they had cameras planted in front of the place showing the people who were going into the club. Howard said he wants to go there now more than ever. Robin mentioned that they posted the names of some of the girls who were busted. Ronnie said he knows some of the girls and two of them were on the show.
Robin read the news story about the girls and read off some of their names. Ronnie told Howard which girls they knew. Howard said he thinks that they will be vindicated and this was all one big misunderstanding. Ronnie said he hopes the same thing. Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that this kind of stuff goes on all the time in strip clubs.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had a piece of food on his lip. Howard thanked him for that but said he was saving that for later. Howard told the camera guys that they shouldn't be close enough to see food on him. Ronnie said that he had a camera crew at his house filming his dog walking on his treadmill over the weekend. Howard then asked Gary why he would come in and tell him that instead of sending a note over the computer. Gary apologized for that and then Fred played a Baba Booey song parody.
Howard asked Gary how many boxes he got done. Gary said he got many done and none of them were done during the time of that party. He was resting then. Howard let him go and took a phone call. The guy said that he doesn't like Ronnie on the air. Howard said he gets a lot of that from the fans. Ronnie can't handle the callers very well sometimes.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that the prostitution bust at Scores could put their liquor license in jeopardy. He also said that any guy who is in the club at the time should be okay and not get into trouble. Another guy said that just agreeing to having sex for money can lead to a prostitution bust. They spent a short time on that subject.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there's any way to figure out how many people listen to the show in the morning. Howard said they do know that about 60-70 percent of the subscribers are tuned into his channels. He's not exactly sure how that works but that's what he's been told. The caller also asked when they're going to put up the Bubba's Wedding special on Howard TV. Howard said there's already one special up there but there will be two more specials in the near future.
The caller asked Howard when they're having their next roast. Howard said they just had a meeting about that and Rev. Bob Levy suggested a couple of people that they could roast. He said Bob thinks that the best person for the next roast should be Sal the Stockbroker. Howard said he thinks it's time for a celebrity roast so they're throwing around a bunch of names. Artie said they could throw David Spade into that list. Howard asked Gary for the list of other celebs that they could roast. He said the roast will be very soon and he'll get to that list shortly for the caller.
Lonnie hopes that once the charges are dropped, he hopes they continue to get the attention they were getting before. Howard wonders why he's never been offered a blow job over there. Lonnie said that they can't change their policy for him and they would never do such a thing. Howard said he can't understand the girls with their accents over there so maybe he has been offered that stuff at some point. He said he was just kidding about that and hopes that they can clear this whole thing up.
Lonnie said that Howard helped make them famous and he thinks that's why they get so much press coverage when something like this happens. Ronnie was in there making jokes about the whole thing so Howard told him that his jokes were a little dopey.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that this stuff goes on at strip clubs all the time. Howard said he's heard about guys who go to clubs and pick up girls and take them home. He can't imagine they'd want to risk losing their liquor license to something like that though. Lonnie said that they would never do that and this is shocking that they were able to find anything because cops have tried to shut down clubs like that for a long time.
Howard let Lonnie go and saw that the guys had pulled an audio clip of a news report where they talked about what Howard has done for strip clubs. Howard played some of that and then Artie mentioned that he had a bunch of guys come up to him one night out in Times Square. The guys were fans and asked him where Scores was. That's how well known the place is.
Gary told Howard that people from The View have been asking for Howard to do the show. Howard said he didn't know about that but he really doesn't think he wants to do that show. He said it might be kind of creepy if he went on. He said most of them over there kind of like him, even Elisabeth Hasselbeck kind of backed off of him recently.
Robin gave a shout out to the people at The Vault channel 16 there at SIRIUS. She said they've been doing a great job over there. Gary said they do play some classic songs that you never really hear anymore. Howard said his interest was piqued so he was going to tune in to hear what they're up to. He found the channel and listened to a song he didn't recognize. Captain Janks said he listens to that channel all the time. Robin said she loves it. Howard said the song they were listening to was Eric Clapton's ''Further Up The Road'' and spent a short time talking about how the song was a little too self indulgent for him.
Robin said that there's a Beatles song that she likes that you never really hear and they played that on The Vault. Fred knew it was ''Tomorrow Never Knows'' since Robin had no idea what the name of the song was. Fred pulled out the Fab Faux performance of that song that they did live in Howard's studio a while back. While that was going on Janks took a piss. Howard and the guys heard that going on. Janks said he didn't think they'd hear it since he had his finger on the mute button.
Howard said that Gilbert Gottfried's name is on the list of roastees. He said he saw Gilbert out at Nobu the other night so that was a surprise. He's heard that Gilbert is miserable about having the kid and getting married now. Robin said she's been hearing just the opposite from the girlfriend's side of the camp. Howard said he knows that Gilbert is miserable. He ran into him when he was checking his coat and Gilbert thought it was kind of awkward. He asked him how he was doing and he didn't get more than an ''okay'' from him. Then Gilbert's girlfriend came walking down the stairs with her belly and all. He said Gilbert looked petrified when he saw her coming down.
Howard said Gilbert really does look miserable and embarrassed when she's around. He said that his girlfriend is really cute too. She's beautiful, nice and sweet and she's with this miserable guy. Robin said she heard that she's been saying that he's the one who wanted the baby and this was his whole idea. Howard wants to talk to her so Artie said he might have her cell number because she was the one he was talking to when he was giving DVD advice for Gilbert. Artie said that Gilbert's girlfriend is really into managing Gilbert's career.
Howard read through some more names on the list of possible roastees. He mentioned Barbara Walters, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and Jenny McCarthy. The guys figured that Jenny was too full of herself right now to have something like that done. She's been dating Jim Carrey lately so she may not be into getting roasted. Howard said she'll eventually come back to the show after they break up. Howard said that he gets the feeling that Jim is a very disturbed guy.
Other names on the list included Jenna Jameson, Jon Stewart, Robin Quivers, Dice, Eric the Midget, Scott the Engineer, Judith Regan, Sean Hannity, Mike Tyson, Tom Jones, David Arquette, Montel Williams, Maury Povich, Martha Stewart, Rosie O'Donnell, Conan O'Brien, Bill O'Reilly, Janice Dickinson, Joanie Laurer (Chyna Doll), Bubba the Love Sponge, John Bon Jovi, Puff Daddy, 50 Cent, Hulk Hogan, Chuck Zito, Pat Cooper, David Hasslehoff, Pat O'Brien, Don Imus, David Letterman, David Blaine, Kid Rock, Norm Macdonald, Insane Clown Posse, Riley Martin, Tom Chiusano, David Lee Roth, Johnny Fratto, Crazy Alice, Joey Buttafuoco, Geraldo Rivera, Jackie Martling, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Rock, Larry King, Oprah Winfrey,
Howard said he doesn't think they could do Eric the Midget. That would be too sad. He also said Sean Hannity might be good. They spent some time talking about Mike Tyson and how it might be scary to roast him. Howard said he feels sorry for that guy too. He's been through a lot of crap.
Howard had Artie going through the list and telling him if it would be easy to write jokes for each person. Artie said the person has to be a big name with a lot of stuff they could write jokes about. A lot of those names that were mentioned were good according to Artie. They discussed some of the guys who might be tough like Riley Martin. Artie said that Crazy Alice would be fun but he figures she'd be out of there pretty quick.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he could come in if they roast Jackie because he'd love to see that. Howard said he doesn't know where they're going yet but they'll figure it out. Howard said they'll talk to Rev. Bob Levy about it and see what he thinks.
Artie asked Howard what went on with Johnny Fratto on Thursday since he was out sick. Howard explained that whole thing to him. Johnny had called in and got upset about the way they were reacting to the thread that he and Eric the Midget have over at SFN. Howard thought they had smoothed things over but he's not sure what's going on now.
Howard mentioned that his name was brought up on One Vs. One Hundred but he didn't understand the question. He played the clip from the show where they threw in Howard and Baba Booey in there when asking what ratatooie was. The player said he's not a fan of Stern but he did know what ratatooie was. Howard said that guy ended up losing anyway so that was good. He didn't have to say he wasn't a fan of the show.
Howard mentioned that he had just seen the movie ''The Departed'' and thought it was great. He said that Nicholson should win an Oscar for that performance. Robin said she loved that movie. Howard read that Jack isn't even nominated for that role. The guys spent a few minutes on that stuff and then went to break.
Gary came in and said that they sent the songs over and asked Howard to speculate on whether or not Prince would play them live at the Super Bowl. Howard said he thought they were live performances but Gary said he didn't get that when he heard them.
Howard had Lisa G come in with a Howard 100 News preview. She said that Bubba is in Muscle and Fitness magazine so Robin asked ''Why?'' and laughed when she heard that. She said there is no muscle and no fit there. Lisa said they'll be talking about that story on Howard 100 News today. Robin said that Bubba is still having problems with his operation and he hasn't had sex with his wife since December. His legs are not healing and he's having trouble working now. Howard wondered what he got himself into.
Lisa got back to her report and said they have some new Page 69 gossip tips from Jason and Will. They talk about Gary going to a doctor and how they took out a glob of ear wax the size of a quarter. Gary said it was the size of a dime. He was having trouble hearing so they sprayed hot water and peroxide in his ear and pulled that wax out. Gary said that they had to do it a couple of times and it was pretty big when that one piece came out. He said the hydrogen peroxide loosened that up and it eventually came out. Howard wondered if that's from wearing headphones.
Lisa said they have more on Gary and he's got a foot fungus going. Gary said he's had this fungus for 2 years now. Gary wondered why they couldn't spread this out over a couple of weeks instead of the same day. Gary explained how he's been trying to get rid of this fungus and it just won't go away. Howard asked him what isn't gross on him. Gary went on to say that the fungus doesn't do anything other than look gross. He said he tried to hide it in Florida. Howard wanted to see it right then so he told him to take his shoe off. Gary said all of the nails are yellow and gross looking. Robin said that it's a sign that his immune system isn't working right. Gary didn't believe that. Howard said that Gary licks a lot of ass so that might be it. Gary said he hasn't licked ass since 1988. He also said that his toenails now match his teeth so that's it.
Lisa mentioned that George Takei is on Heroes tonight so everyone should tune in to see that. Howard let her go after that.
Artie asked Howard if he's ever met Prince. Howard said he was at some show one time and ran into him quickly. Artie said he met him once at The Fashion Cafe one day. He took a friend to the place one day when it was still around and they stuck Prince next to him and his friend in this VIP area. Artie said the guy is tiny, he's only like 5 feet tall. Artie said he told Prince that Raspberry Beret was a great song and he got a ''Thanks'' from him before he was whisked away.
Howard said he and Gary were watching an old performance that he did one time. He said he really is a great guitar player and he's very underrated.
Eric said that he would like to replace this idea with the flying with the balloons idea. He thinks the balloon thing is out of the question because of the Hold your Wee for a Wii contest that went wrong at a radio station in California. Howard said he'd have Eric signing all kinds of paperwork that would let him off if he did die while flying with balloons. He said that he's thinking of making Eric hold his wee for a Wii while he's flying with balloons.
The guys goofed on Eric for a short time and then Howard asked Eric if that bothered him. Eric said it does so Howard figured the roast wouldn't work for him. Gary came in and said that JD had some thoughts on this whole thing. JD came in a minute later and said that he thinks Eric is an ungrateful douche bag and he would punch him in the face if he had the chance. Eric told JD to go bang his porn star. Howard told JD that Eric isn't that bad and if he doesn't shut up, he's going to give Eric his porn star girlfriend. Eric called JD a geek as he was walking out of the studio.
Howard told Eric that if he wants to fly with balloons and pee, that's fine with him. They're not going to roast him. Eric told Howard that he thinks he knows where Prince recorded that song. He mentioned that he's out in Vegas doing some shows. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard said they are looking for their first ever Miss Black Howard Stern. He said that if you're an African American female and you want to win $5,000, you can send a video tape to them. He said that they never stopped black women from entering to be Miss Howard Stern in the past... but they are looking for a black one now. He gave out the address and said that this is being sponsored by Clips4Sale.com.
Gary said that they may have the woman take a DNA test after she wins to make sure that she's at least 75 percent black. Howard went to break a short time later. Video tapes can be submitted to the show at this address:
Howard said that he and his wife were pretty cordial, as cordial as they can be. Brad said that all happened before Howard got his $500 million too. He said he'd trade his half a point for Raymond if he could have just one Howard point.
Howard asked Brad why he doesn't date Robin because he was talking about dating a black woman. Brad said he doesn't have the right stuff for that but Robin told him he does... He's got that half a point of ''Everybody Loves Raymond.''
Brad said that his wife left him for a taller man and then said it was actually for a woman but he was just joking about all of that. He said he married a girl that he was very much in love with and things changed. He said they have two great kids and they still get along. He said it's tough for him to date because Howard isn't the only Jew with a small penis. He said that he's a chromosome away from being Miss Black Howard Stern too.
Howard said that an actor with as much fame as he has would be attractive to a lot of women. Brad said he's got an ''innie'' though so it's not that easy. Howard said he read that Brad was afraid to tell his parents about his divorce but Brad said that's the press making a big thing out of nothing. Brad said they kept the divorce private so when it did come out, they made it into something bigger than it was. He said he kept it from his family but he was just saying that when he was questioned about the divorce.
Howard and Brad both said that the day they got divorced was the worst. Howard said that Brad has to be getting laid. Brad asked Howard to help him but when Howard asked him to swear that he wasn't getting laid, he couldn't do it.
Artie asked Howard if the worst day was getting divorced or telling his parents that he was dating someone new. Howard said it was the divorce thing that was the worst. He said that when he thinks about it, it makes him want to cry. Artie loved that and wanted him to cry. Brad didn't know who was talking when Artie was asking questions so he asked Howard who that was. He even goofed on Artie's voice a little bit.
Howard talked to Brad about what a great actor Peter Boyle was and how he had worked with him on Raymond. Howard read that Brad didn't think that Artie's story about Peter Boyle smoking pot was true. Artie told the story a while back and said that he smoked weed with him on the set of the show years ago when he was working on The Norm Show. Artie got into that story and said it was back in 1999 and they spoke to Peter at the commissary and Peter asked them if they wanted to get high. Brad said he must not have been a friend of his because he never asked him to get high.
Brad said he never smoked weed with Peter. He said he thought he was known for his sobriety over the past few years. Brad wasn't sure about that story and said he hung out with him a lot. Artie told Brad that the pot he had was amazing but he only took one puff of it. Howard said that maybe Peter smoked with Artie and realized he'd hit the bottom and stopped after that.
Howard said that it must have been exciting to go to Peter Boyle's funeral. Brad said that they were buddies and he really had to go. Everyone from the show showed up that day. Howard asked him about going to a celebrity funeral and if he prepares to be on TV. Howard asked him if he decides what he's going to wear. Brad said he's not all about the clothes, he doesn't care about that stuff.
Howard said that he went to the funeral for Ed Bradley and got to see a lot of celebrities there. He told Brad that if he were him, he would have put the name of his new TV show all over himself to get some coverage. Howard quickly changed subjects and asked Brad about working on Everybody Loves Raymond and how he got that deal where he got the half a point. Brad said that after 6 years of working there, it was time to renegotiate so he asked for as much as he could get. It ended up working out good and they must have felt he deserved it.
Howard asked Brad about how that half a point works. They talked about the syndication but Brad asked Howard about his half a billion that he got for doing this satellite gig. Howard didn't get into details about that. They joked around about what they have going on there and Brad mentioned the tiny security guard he's got working there. That would be Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Howard read that Brad was actually a Star Search winner and he wasn't aware of that. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Artie knew that Brad did a great Jackie Gleason impression. Brad said that Ray Romano called him and told him that when he did that impression it was like ''Jackie: The NBA years.'' Howard seemed to think that was pretty funny.
Howard asked Brad if he's ever had sex with any famous women. He said he doesn't go to parties or anything and didn't have any famous names. Howard was surprised by that and Robin didn't think he was being honest. Brad said he's not lying. Howard read that he opened for Liza Minelli and Frank Sinatra at different times in his career. Brad talked about how Frank would sing his songs and get them mixed up later in his life. He would also call him ''Greg Barrett'' when he'd introduce him. Howard read that he was fired from that gig. Brad said he wasn't really fired, he was moved to open for Liza while he thought about what he had done.
Brad said he would open up for Frank doing his comedy act. Frank Sinatra would come walking out whenever he felt like it so he had no idea how long he actually had to stay out there. He said that one day he jokingly said that they were a great audience and to ''...stick around for Frank.'' He got called into the office and was asked about the comment he had made. Brad said they asked him why he would say such a thing when they were actually there to see Frank. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard the story. Brad said he was in this meeting for about 20-25 minutes while they discussed his joke that wasn't taken as a joke.
Brad said he was sent to Reno the next night. They told him to think about what he had done. Brad said he thought about it alright. Howard said that people take things the wrong way and you can end up being killed. Frank Sinatra isn't the guy to mess with.
Howard brought up this new show Brad is on called ''Til Death.'' He's all done with ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' but Howard asked him if he still hangs out with Ray. Brad said that he's a regular guy and that's what he loves about Ray. He's the same guy he was when they started out doing the show. Howard said he does seem like a down to earth type of guy.
Howard asked Brad why he wants to put himself through the pressure of having a TV show. Brad said he wants to work, that's why he does it. Howard said he could get away with not working with the kind of money he has coming in from Raymond though. Howard also asked him about how he worked his way up in the comedy world and went over that quickly. Howard then gave Brad a plug for ''Til Death'' and said that Artie has a deal with FOX himself. Artie asked Brad if they need a fat guy on his show. Brad said that's the only thing they need at this point.
Brad told Howard about the show and what that's all about. He said the show is starting to click and they're having a good time doing it. He said that FOX lets them do what they want and they'll be moving to a time slot after American Idol starting in March.
Robin asked Brad if he got along with Patricia Heaton. Brad said he did so Robin mentioned that she's very religious so it must have been tough. Artie said he met her once but she didn't offer him weed like Peter Boyle did. Brad said they're getting beat by Telemundo at this point but he's hoping that they can get their ratings up. Howard figures they'll have more luck when they move to their new time slot. Howard told him to do his show in Spanish, maybe that would work.
Howard asked Brad if he has to share half of his future earnings with his ex-wife. Brad said she's the type of woman who doesn't want the money but he forces it on her. He said she is the mother of his kids and she is going to take that money and he doesn't seem to mind. Brad said they were married for 7 years. Robin said that Howard was married for like 20 years so maybe she deserved that 50 percent more than Brad's wife does.
Howard wished Brad luck with his show and told the fans to tune in and check out ''Till Death.'' Robin asked Brad why he never did the show when he was on Raymond. Brad said he was never asked and also said that he'd have to get past Ron out there. Howard was about to go to break when he realized he'd forgotten to take phone calls.
Howard took one call from a guy who asked Brad why he was talking down to Artie like that. He also said that his show is awful so that's why no one is watching it. The guy also said that Brad may be related to Big Foot. That led to Brad talking about how he's always been that huge size and that his mother used to tell the family that if they got separated, they should all ''meet at Brad.'' That led to Howard and Brad talking about their small penises and how they won't go to urinals. They have to hide in a stall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his show is probably going to be great if he's anything like he was on Raymond. He also said some nice words about Peter Boyle who played Brad's father on Raymond. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Bong Hit Eric said that on Howard TV Fred looks a lot younger with glasses on. Artie looks tanner and thinner on the old shows so maybe he should watch those shows. Artie said that he's got this billboard up near the Lincoln Tunnel and that makes him think about getting thin. Eric said that the fast forward and rewind on Howard TV doesn't really work that well. Howard said it works fine on his so maybe it's his cable company. He let Eric go and said that maybe since he's high all the time, he doesn't know what's going on.
Howard said he heard from Wendy the Retard and she wants to lose weight. He played the voice mail that she left for Will. In the clip she asks him about getting her some Richard Simmons tapes so she can try to lose some weight. Howard said he'd like to have Richard and Wendy in the studio so Richard could teach her there.
Wendy says that she's near 200 pounds again and wants to work out to those tapes. She doesn't have much energy and would like to start moving around again. She asked Will for Richard's phone number. Artie said they really should give her his number.
Howard said Sal made a prank call to a pizza place where he asks for pizza and sex with young boys. He played that audio clip where Sal asks for a nice delivery boy to be sent over there for him. Sal said he'd ask the young man to play around with him a little bit. The pizza guy said the guy doesn't speak very good English so Sal said that's even better. The pizza guy said he'd suck Sal off and then said he'd stick it up his ass and hung up on him.
Artie talked about the lame stuff that Rush has done on his show like his ''rules of life.'' Artie had a friend who listened to him and he'd hear it sometimes and ask what it was that was so funny. Howard did his impression of Rush and checked out his web site where he's got his lame sayings on bumper stickers. He went through some of the crap he has on his web site and wondered why he's so caught up on this Gitmo. He said that anyone who puts anything political on their car is an asshole.
Howard said they should do an experiment and put various bumper stickers on their cars to see what kind of damage is done to them. Artie said that they could put one on their car that says ''I love ni**ers'' and that would piss everyone off.
Howard said that Ronnie has all kinds of stickers on his car. Artie said he had a Yankees sticker on his car when he was like 17 but after a year he thought that was kind of goofy. Howard said it's like people are just looking for trouble. Howard said his father used to ask why people would put bumper stickers on their car because they're bound to upset someone. Artie agreed and said that those people are usually confrontational people. Ronnie is confrontational so he fits right into that description.
Howard mentioned that he had watched that movie ''The Departed'' with his 21 year old daughter and it was very uncomfortable when there was a sex scene. He said he ended up talking during the scene to get through it. He said they were laying in bed watching it too so it was kind of awkward. He said the TV in his living room was broken again so they had to watch it in the bedroom instead. He said he blew up on the phone with the guy and he did that in front of his daughter.
Howard said that the TV picture goes out half way through the movie every time. Robin said the TV is probably overheating because it's a projector that's in a confined space. She said they need to put that thing in a freezer or something. Howard said they shouldn't sell it to him if it's not going to work.
Howard said they have a Sybian special up on Howard TV this month. The show is over an hour and a half and they recap a lot of show moments and things like that.
Howard said someone sent them a note about all of the crap that Artie ate in one day and how it added up to over 5000 calories. He read through that list where the person added up all of the calories. Howard said it sounded wrong to him because the portions weren't the right ones for Artie. The guy was underestimating it a little bit.
Howard said he got a note from Jimmy Kimmel who was asking for the right to sell ring tones of Howard's son screaming. Howard had no idea what he was talking about so Jason came in and explained that quickly. It was a discussion they had about Michael Devlin or something like that but Howard still had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard said there's a site out there dedicated to guys getting their balls smashed and it was pretty freaky. He said the site is called BallKick.com. Robin thought it was faked when she saw a woman smashing a guy's penis. Howard said he doesn't think it's faked at all.
Gary brought in Bob Saget and they got right into a discussion about Artie's heroin use. Bob had apparently said that the heroin use was retarded. That led to them talking about the time that Bob and Artie had met for the first time and Artie was buying drugs from some Mexican guy at this pool hall.
Bob told the guys about how Chris Farley was in that movie ''Dirty Work'' and they tried to keep him off of drugs but it wasn't easy. Artie said he didn't do any drugs with Farley but he did see him with his ''handler'' who was hired to keep him off of drugs. That didn't work. Artie told the story about getting a hooker up in Canada and how he ended up paying her about $800 because he didn't know what that Canadian money was worth at the time.
Bob asked Howard if his kids ever go off on him for stuff he does. Howard explained that TV story he had just told where he freaked out on the TV guy. Howard said he just got bummed out after the TV failed so that's why he went off on the guy. He said his daughter got upset with him for doing that.
Howard asked Bob about this new movie ''Farce of the Penguins'' that he's got out. He didn't let him answer before asking Bob about his TV show ''One Vs. One Hundred'' as well. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard switched to Bob's girlfriend. Bob was saying that she's a wonderful girl and he cares about her but he's not sure if he's going to marry her. He said his daughters like her. She's only 26 years old and Bob is 50. Artie thought he was like 55.
Artie had another story about Bob and a flat tire but Bob said he told that a couple of years ago. Artie told another story about seeing one of the Olsen twins at a concert one time. He said he saw her making out with some dude and may have seen her doing something else that he wouldn't bring up on the air. Bob said he thinks of those girls as his own kids at this point. Artie said that he won't say what it was that she may or may not have been doing but someone has to get them under control.
Artie told a story about Bob and Norm MacDonald going on a golfing trip when they were promoting ''Dirty Work.'' They all went to a golf thing and Bob was driving his car at like 120 on the way back to the city. They get to Manhattan and Bob makes a turn like he was Starsky and Hutch. He ends up blowing out a tire on a pot hole. This was Artie's car. Artie said they found a guy who was driving a tow truck and he helped them get back. Norm went over and talked to the guy and came back saying that the guy just wanted an autograph from Bob Saget because he was a big fan. It turns out the guy didn't have a clue who Bob was. The guy demanded $800 instead of an autograph. Bob didn't have any cash on him so Artie had to go get some money. He said that Bob never paid him back either. He said Bob still owes him $150 from 10 years ago.
Bob talked about this movie ''Farce of the Penguins'' that he put together. He said they got a bunch of stars to do voices for it and he thinks it's very funny. Artie wanted a part in it but Bob never called him. He said he just wants that buck fifty that Bob owes him. Bob said that the movie is filthy and they have the Penguins fuckin within a short amount of time.
Howard played some audio from the penguin movie and then took a call from Hook Nose Mike. Mike asked Bob if he got any extra activity while working on ''Entourage'' with a bunch of hot chicks. Bob said he didn't get any of those girls.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she saw his TV show the other day where they used Howard in a question. That led to Bob saying that they actually cut out his comments where he defended Howard in that show. Howard. That led to Bob talking about how the show can sometimes take 3 hours to shoot because of technical problems. Mariann said that she still watches ''Full House'' and started to say something to Artie when Howard hung up on her.
Another caller told Howard that Bob is a great guy and a good comic but he's really got to make a movie that people can actually watch. He was just busting balls though. Howard gave Bob a plug for this ''Farce of the Penguins'' thing and said it's coming out on DVD tomorrow. They spent a couple more minutes on that and talking about Bob's parents. Bob said that they're in their 80s and still alive but his father has been sick lately.
Howard had a voice mail from Gary the Retard where he was yelling at Artie. He wasn't even sure what the yelling was about. Gary was calling Artie names and cursing him out saying he's nothing but a piece of shit and things like that. Artie said that was literally a wake up call for him to lose some weight.
Howard mentioned the Miss Black Howard Stern contest they have going on. He got in a plug for the sponsor of that contest, Clips4Sale.com, and talked about how he always ends up watching just short pieces of porn movies when he does watch them.
Howard had an audio clip of Gary the Retard singing some songs in the car while some of the guys were driving from one gig to another. Shuli came in and said that Gary would finish the songs that they would start like he had no control over it. Howard wondered if they spend so much time with those guys that they learn new things about them.
Shuli said that there was a time when Gary the Retard grabbed Richard Christy's hair and had his head pulled back because they were goofing on him so much. Shuli said that Sal and Richard were jerking him around tying a string to a piece of pizza and dragging it around. He said there was one time when he was on the phone telling Gary that he was a cop and he was going to pull him over if he didn't sing some Johnny Cash song.
Howard said they must have to know what songs Gary knows before they have him sing them. Shuli said that is the thing they have to figure out. Howard figured they were going to create a game show out of that whole thing. They'd have Gary in and they'd have to guess if he could sing the song or not. Shuli said that Gary's arms are flailing around because he gets so excited about singing.
Gary the Retard's birthday is coming up soon and he's 55 years old. Shuli said that they found Bob Levy revealed another word he can't pronounce. He says ''foots prints'' instead of foot prints when asked. Shuli said Gary the Retard was able to say it but Bob wasn't.
Shuli said that Sal and Richard still do their Shoo Shoo, Retarded Flu bit with Gary the Retard but they usually end up goofing on Bob Levy instead. Howard asked Shuli how Jim Florentine is doing. Shuli said he's getting better and doing good now. Artie said that Jim did great at the shows he was at with him. Shuli said he did a couple of the best sets he's ever seen.
Howard took a call from a guy who got to tour the studio not too long ago. He said he had a great time up there but Robin was kind of snooty when he was there. He said she just ignored them and walked away instead of coming out to say hello. Robin didn't remember that and apologized for not coming out. Howard said that Robin was snooty long before she was rich so she's always been that way. Howard had to hang up on that guy when he started to do an impression of King of All Blacks that was pretty bad.
Howard said that Richard Christy's father got a cold and left Richard a message explaining how he got it while hunting. He played the clip and Mr. Christy hocks something up while leaving the message. He said their dog got up and ate the rabbit they had shot and cooked up. Howard said he likes how he had to call Richard and hock stuff up to let him know how sick he was.
Howard brought up a story about a hunter who had shot a duck and brought it home to cook. The duck ended up living in the refrigerator and the wife of the hunter felt so bad she brought it to a vet who fixed it up. Robin said that the duck died again when they gave it anesthesia and it had a bad reaction to it. The vet brought it back and now they're saying it will recover fully and be released back into the wild. They spent a short time talking about that story. Howard wondered what Richard Christy's father would do if that happened to him. Artie said that they'd probably worship it as if it was some kind of enchanted duck.
Howard heard that Sal and Richard were messing around with each other and pissing on each other. There was a whole story there. Gary said he saw close ups of their penises as they were pissing into bottles. The Howard TV guys were showing Howard what went on and he had to ask them to shut it off. Richard said that they were pissing in the bottles and Sal pissed on his penis so he pissed on Sal's jeans. Shuli missed all of that because he was out on stage with Bob Levy. Levy was puking all over the stage because he had been drinking all night. Shuli said Bob did the blue cheese dressing thing and the woman's ass was so gross that it made him puke.
Howard thought Bob was giving up the blue cheese thing. Shuli said that's like him giving up smoking, it's never going to happen. Bob was on the phone so Howard asked him what was going on. Bob said that the Sal and Richard thing is getting out of hand and he's not the wild one at these shows. Sal said that Richard liked getting pissed on from what he could tell. He didn't run from his pee, he stood there and moved into it.
Howard asked Bob about saying the word footprints. Bob tried saying it and it came out as ''Footsprints.'' Bob said he finds new words every week. Howard had Bob trying to say it a few times but he just couldn't get it out without saying footsprints.
Shuli said that Richard has been drinking a lot when they fly out. He drinks before the flight and then drinks more on the flight. Richard said he hates flying and he has to drink like that. Shuli said that Richard passes out before doing the shows. He's been drinking way too much. Richard said he wouldn't do that if they took a bus somewhere. He only drinks because he flies. Howard asked Richard if he could go without drinking for three weeks. Richard thinks he could do that.
Richard said that Levy makes weird noises as he's about to puke and he does that at every show. Artie said that Levy is not long for this world because he's so unhealthy. He warned Bob that he should tell his son that he might not be around. He said Bob actually out drinks him. Bob was amazed when he heard that it was Artie saying that to him. Richard said that Bob was drinking a lot of vodka and eating pizza in a smoky room. Bob said he's going to try and get things together after Vegas. Artie asked Bob to please not get him kicked out of the show in Vegas.
Howard let bob go and got back to Steve. Steve said that they have some news about Sal the Stockbroker's act over the weekend. They heard that Sal was insulting Beth again in his act. Howard asked Sal if that was true. Sal said he does the same joke he did during a roast. He said the joke is already on TV and he's not trying to insult Beth. Sal said that he'll stop doing it now because he didn't like the look Howard was giving him. Howard told him to do whatever he wants.
Gary said that Sal is not being truthful because he starts the horse references in his act. Gary said he does the horse thing in the act. Sal admitted to it and said that he'll stop it if he doesn't want him to do it. Howard said that he's already done it and he might as well continue it.
Howard said he heard that Sal's act has gotten kind of dark and not so funny these days. Shuli said that Sal came up to him back stage one time and asked him for some advice on one of his jokes where he uses the term ''sand ni**er'' and Shuli tried to help him by saying that maybe he should use the term ''terrorists'' instead. Sal went into a whole discussion about why he uses that term. His defense wasn't all that great.
The guys told Sal to do some of the jokes he told out in Detroit over the weekend. Sal told one that no one reacted to at all about how even the snow out there was black. Howard told Sal that he's going to start telling jokes about his wife since he's still goofing on his girlfriend. Sal said he's going to stop the jokes about Beth then. He said that Sal lied to Beth when he said he wasn't doing that material anymore. He wondered why Sal lies about that and said that he's a pussy and a liar for telling Beth to her face that he was doing that stuff.
Howard told Sal to get some fucking balls on him and tell Beth the truth about what he's doing. Howard said he'd a weasel. Sal said the joke is already on Howard TV so it's a joke he's already done. He told Sal to call Beth and be a man by telling her what he's doing. Howard said he doesn't care what Sal says about his girlfriend but he should be ready for him to give that back to him. He asked Sal to admit he's a coward so that's what Sal eventually did. Howard told him to go back to his room, put on a dress and lick his own clit.
The guys spent a little more time on that and then got back to Steve Langford. Steve said that they read that Paris Hilton had a note about the Beetlejuice web site JollyDwarf.com so she may be a fan of his. Steve also said that they're doing a special on Howard 101 about Road Head at 7pm Eastern time.
Howard took a call from a guy who saw him at the Knicks game over the weekend. He said it was nice to see him at a sporting event instead of talking about the gay TV shows he watches. Howard joked that he was actually there blowing a guy. He said Patrick Ewing sat next to him at the game and said hello at one point. The guys spent a short time talking about that and also about how Shaq made an arrest over the weekend when a drunk driver hit his car.
Howard had Jon Hein give his show rundown. Jon went through the stories that he was going to be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They talked about Brad Garrett for a short time. Howard interrupted the conversation to take a call from Wendy the Retard who was watching a 7 month old baby. Wendy was talking to the baby off the phone. Will came in and told him that Wendy was there with a 4 year old and a 7 month old all alone. Howard found it hard to believe that she was able to do that alone. Wendy said she's going to be there alone until about noon.
Howard asked Wendy what she does if the baby starts to choke. She knew that she has to call 911. She even knew the right number to call if that happens. He had her pretend to call 911 so he could hear what she would say if the 911 operator asked her what was going on. She almost gave out her address at one point.
Wendy told Howard that she knows to hold or rock the baby if it won't stop crying. Howard thought she sounded pretty good with this stuff. Robin wasn't so sure about that though. Wendy started singing to the baby and it started to grab her nose. Howard said that if any woman ever says it's hard to raise a kid, he's going to play this clip for them.
Howard said he wouldn't leave Wendy with his pet fish if he had one. He got back to Jon Hein and had him wrap up his show preview. Jon went through a few more subjects and mentioned the whole Sal thing that had just gone on. That led to Howard and the guys talking more about what Sal had said earlier and how Howard was going to drag Sal's wife into the whole thing. Howard said he wasn't really going to do that to her. He said he'd be honest if he was going to do such a thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Sal thing. That led to Gary telling Howard that Sal apparently brings that horse reference up more than one time during his act. Howard said he feels really awkward about the whole thing because he heard Sal telling her he doesn't do that stuff anymore and now he knows he does. He knows it's going to get back to Beth and it hurts her when she hears that stuff. He had Robin start her news after that.
Ralph called in and asked Fred about why he had played a snoring sound while Artie was telling a story earlier. He wondered if it was because Artie was boring or because there were people sleeping in the story. Fred said it was the first one. Artie didn't think the story was that boring though.
Ralph also brought up how one of the Scores girls picture was in the newspaper after her alleged prostitution charges. He thinks that's going to ruin her life. Howard agreed and said that she hasn't been proven guilty so it really is wrong to do something like that. Ralph said that it's a victimless crime and they really should just leave them alone in that place.
Howard and Ralph talked about that story for a short time and Howard said he has to check out that paper to see which girl it is. He didn't have the right paper so Robin said she'd give it to him later, after the show.
Robin mentioned a story about a local news broadcaster in New York City dating Phil Collins. That led to Artie saying that Phil's song ''Abacab'' saved him in high school because if he had a multiple choice test, he'd always fill out the answers ABACAB and he'd always get a C on the test. He swore that's what he really did too. Fred played a couple of Phil Collins songs while they were talking about that stuff. Artie had a sentimental link to the song ''Salisbury Hill'' so he explained that it was the line ''Grab your things, I've come to take you home with me...'' that makes him think of the first time he ever overdosed. He said whenever he hears that song, that's what he thinks of.
Artie had to run out of the studio at one point because he had a bathroom emergency. No one knew where he was going but as he was running out, Fred played an elephant sound clip that Artie heard on his way to the bathroom. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show saying that he missed the Miss America pageant last night. He and Robin talked about how it's on the Nashville channel or something like that. Howard also mentioned that Artie is out sick again today and Gary is saying that he thinks he's really sick and not back on the stuff again. Howard and Robin want to think the best and don't want to think he's on drugs.
Howard wants to take a list of all of the stuff Artie eats and put all of the crap he eats in a big bowl to see how much it is and what it looks like. It could make Artie sick just looking at it. That worked for a fan who wrote in and told them he lost 100 pounds after doing that.
Howard played another clip where they played some of the questions that they were asking the women and one of them was about overturning Roe Vs. Wade. Howard answered the question as if he were one of the contestants with a dopey answer. They also asked one question ''Did you ever eat a cow that you knew personally?'' Robin thought that was kind of odd.
Howard played a clip where a contestant talked about how she wanted to be Cinderella when asked what fairy tale character she would want to be. Then she went into her story about how she got into the pageant and started breaking down and crying. Howard then answered it doing his contestant character. In another clip a contestant was asked if she prays to be taller since she was wishing that she was 3 inches taller. She doesn't pray to be taller but one of the judges said ''Thank goodness...'' when he heard that.
The contestants were getting all preachy with their speeches and comments to the judges. Howard said he used to watch the pageant when he was a kid and some of the talents were twirling batons and stuff like that. He said some chicks would even shoot rifles or twirl a rope. He said he likes the beauty pageants they have on his show because the women can do whatever they want. They can queef if that's their talent.
Howard played a clip where a contestant was asked how she would change the fact that women get paid less than men in this country. She said that becoming Miss America and showing that women can be strong is the way she would do that. Gary told Howard that she was actually the woman who won the pageant. Howard said he'd love to get up on stage and give a speech. He'd like to say that he's a woman who wants to fuck guys to get her money.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about Brad Garrett's appearance yesterday. A lot of people enjoyed the interview but there were also a lot who didn't know who the guy was. Even though he was on a hit TV show like ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' people still didn't know who he was.
Howard said he's worn out from working out and stuff after the show yesterday. He asked Robin if she's been working out. She said she has been working out and wants to run in the NYC Marathon this year. Howard asked her if she's running outside. She said there's no way she's running in this cold. Howard said he used to do that but he wondered what he was doing and put a stop to it.
Howard said he was reading an article about Bubba in Muscle and Fitness and they showed him wearing his old fat pants. He and Robin talked about that and also about Bubba's wedding. Howard said Bubba's wedding photographer took a picture of he and Beth making out at the wedding. Bubba took it and had it blown up to the size of a computer screen. He's not sure what he's going to do with it though. He didn't want to hang it up in his apartment because he doesn't want to be reminded about how ugly he is. He said he gets mail about how the only reason he's with Beth is because he has money.
Howard played some clips of Sal talking about the whole thing on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said that Sal starts using big words when he's defending himself. He was saying something about not using jokes about Beth ''in that vicinity'' if he knew that she'd be upset. Howard said that Sal is really desperate when it comes to that stuff.
Howard threatened to talk about Sal's wife when he was talking to him during the show yesterday but he would never really do that. Howard and Robin spent a minute on that and then played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where a caller said that he can't believe that Gary would ever let his daughter date a black guy... if he had a daughter. Gary said he wouldn't have a problem with it but the caller refused to believe that. Gary also said that Howard would not have a problem with it if his daughter dated a black guy. Howard said he's not sure why Gary thinks he's an expert on him. He said that Gary doesn't know for a fact that he wouldn't have that problem. He said he wouldn't have a problem with it, but Gary can't claim that he knows for a fact that he wouldn't.
Howard said that Sal is trying to avoid him now. Gary said Sal asked him what to do yesterday and he told him to just go away. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Sal's work. Robin heard that he saw Sal as he was walking past the Wrap Up Show yesterday and gave him a dirty look. Howard said he was just joking around when he did that but you do have to straighten Sal out once in a while.
Howard said that Bam Margera is coming in this morning. He's apparently getting married on MTV even though his girlfriend doesn't want to. He also mentioned that Sarah Silverman is coming in to promote her Comedy Central TV show. He said the show is really weird but very good.
Howard figures that JD has nothing to say on the phone. He said he can picture that conversation. He did his impression of JD talking to Kimberly Kane and he really has nothing to say at all. He figures that's why she text messages him instead of talking to him. He said he'd love to hear those conversations though.
Howard said that Kimberly must be so damaged that she has to have a guy who is so wimpy that she can boss him around. He said it must be great for her to have a guy who is so powerless. JD is the closest thing she can find to a woman while still being a man. Howard asked JD what he talks to her about. JD laughed and said he doesn't know, just stupid things. Howard wondered what his magic is with this chick. JD didn't know. He never knows.
Robin asked JD what he did when he met Kimberly out in Vegas. He said they hugged and kissed but other than that it was ''I don't know.'' Fred did his impression of JD and goofed on him a little bit. Howard said that maybe JD is good in bed or something, he's not sure what the magic is there though.
Howard asked JD what his secret is and then played a bunch of clips of him mumbling and stumbling over what he wants to say. JD said he doesn't even need to be in the room anymore since they have those clips. Howard said it looks like JD has gained a few pounds. He had him lift up his shirt and told him he's looking pretty soft. JD said he's 5'10'' tall and weighs about 175 pounds. Robin said there's no way he's that tall because he's barely taller than she is. JD wasn't even sure how tall he was. Benjy said that he's only 5'8'' or so and didn't think that JD was that tall. The two of them stood back to back and JD was about the same height.
Howard thought it was weird to lie about his height like that. Mike Gange came in and measured his height. He found that he's 5'9'' tall with shoes on. It wasn't very scientific according to Howard but he took it for what it was.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered if they like getting back to doing the show the way it used to be when Artie is out sick. The guy said he likes hearing Robin more when Artie is out. Howard said it is a different dynamic when he's there but he enjoys it both ways. He misses Artie when he's away and thinks he's great when he's there. The caller asked if they'll ever hear Grandma Caprio again. Howard said he will do it but Artie gets really upset when he does that voice.
The caller asked if they've settled on a roast yet. Howard said they have a lot of ideas for that but there were a lot of people who wrote in and told him not to do any more roasts at all. Howard said he loves the roasts and thought that everyone loved them. The caller asked if he could get put on a list for the next roast. Howard didn't have a list to put him on so the guy asked if he could get a tour of the studio or something. Howard put him on hold and told Gary to take care of that.
Robin heard one of JD's whoops when he laughed and said she loves that. Howard said he hears that all day long there at SIRIUS. That led to Howard playing a couple of the JD song parodies with his whoop in them. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man has been very busy lately creating songs so he played some of those. He had Eric the Midget singing the song ''Lollipop'' and a couple of new Riley Martin parodies.
Howard replayed the Sal the Stockbroker prank call that he played yesterday a couple of times. This is the one where Sal calls a pizza place asking for a delivery boy to be sent to his place so he can fuck him.
Howard asked JD what he was in there for. He had a clip of Sarah Silverman being bleeped on Conan O'Brien's show when she said ''retard.'' Howard played the clip where Sarah was singing a song and said she wishes that retards were ''re-smarted'' and there was a big hole when they muted the sound on NBC. Howard said that's like when they used to bleep him on K-Rock.
Howard found all of his JD whoop song parodies so he played through a bunch of them. He said that might be what Kimberly Kane is into. Maybe she likes that whoop. A caller asked Howard what she possibly sees in JD. Howard said it must be a safe haven for her and JD is the opposite of what she has in the porn industry. Robin said that the porn guys probably want her doing stuff with them while JD doesn't demand anything from her at all. The caller said it's like the opposite of a movie where the ugly chick gets changed into a hot chick and gets the man she's after.
Howard said he shouldn't have such a high score in chess because he was so bad at what he was doing. Howard said he now has a workbook to help him out and now it's starting to feel like he's back in school. There are people who know all of the names of the moves and he's not quite into it that much. Robin wondered what he's going to do with this knowledge. Howard said it's like getting into golf and being one of those guys who sucks no matter how long they play. He said his uncle Bob used to play and he was always bad. He even died on the course. The guy refused to take lessons though. Some guys just want to go out and get some fresh air. Howard isn't like that, he wants to see what his true ability is with the game. He wants to live up to that potential.
Howard said he plays the game for the glory of it. He said he always gets beaten though. Robin doesn't understand his goal. Howard said he just likes the game and he wants to play it well. She doesn't think that he should waste so much time studying it though. Howard said it's like a puzzle to him and it makes him happy to do that. He just wants to be good at it.
JD said he played in the Stupid Bowl the other day and he was in it to win it so he gets what Howard is talking about. That Stupid Bowl is going to be on Howard TV this weekend for the Super Bowl.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the best way to learn is to play speed chess. Howard said this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. He hung up on him a short time later. Howard said the best way to learn is to play slow so you learn the moves. Robin said the thing that gets to her is that the guys playing in the park are not the studying types. Howard said that's because they've just played thousands of games. He has a life and he has to learn by studying, not by playing thousands of games in the park.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how long he's been playing chess. Howard said it's been since August. The guy asked if he's playing 20 hours a week or more. Howard said it's not nearly that much. The guy wondered if Howard thinks he's going to get better playing the way he does. Howard said he'd like to be at a 1550 score by the end of the year. That would make him happy. The guy asked him if he's going to stick with it. Howard said he guesses so but then asked the guy ''What the fuck? What is this, Meet the Press?'' The caller said he was just trying to get on the air and he used those questions to get on. Then he asked Howard what weighs more, Robin's left tit or a baby elephant. Howard wasn't sure, he has no idea what either of those things weigh.
The caller told JD that he thinks he's pulling the wool over everyone's eyes and he's really not the geeky guy everyone thinks he is. JD said he is ''more better'' when he's not in front of cameras and lights and stuff. Robin said he's the same out in the hall as he is in the studio though. The caller said he's not even able to complete a coherent sentence.
Howard found out that a newborn baby elephant weighs 250-300 pounds so Robin's tit doesn't weigh nearly that much. He let that caller go and took another call from a guy who said he's been waiting for this Van Halen reunion to come along for a long time now. That led to the guys talking about how bad Eddie is looking these days. He's on the cover of Guitar World magazine and looking really bad according to Robin and the caller. They also talked about how bad David Lee Roth is looking these days as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked JD what kind of truck his father drives. JD said he's not sure what brand the truck it is. He said he's been in the truck but he's not sure what it was. Howard went to break a short time later.
Gary said that his son sees Bam in commercials and from the Tony Hawk video games. Gary said all of his friends know that he knows Bam so they think he's really cool. Howard asked Bam if the success of Jackass Number Two took him by surprise. Bam said they knew it was going to be a hit because they did so much great stuff in the first 10 days of shooting.
Howard moved on to Missy and asked her if she was the hot chick in high school that Bam never had a chance with. She said she didn't know about that. Bam said there were about four girls in high school that he would have loved to be with but he was too busy skating. He missed out on the keg parties and stuff like that back then. Missy said she enjoyed those things. She said she was friends with Bam in high school but they didn't date. Howard figured Bam went off and did his thing while she was doing her thing.
Howard wondered when Bam and Missy got together. Bam said he was shooting some stuff for one of his videos and ran into her in a bar. He had a camera crew with him so that probably impressed her. Bam said that his girlfriend and Missy's boyfriend kept them from seeing each other because they knew how much they liked each other. Bam said he broke up with his girlfriend and then found out that Missy had broken up with her boyfriend. She gave him a call as he was going down to Brazil so he told her he'd be back in 10 days. When he got back, they got together and that was it, they've been together since then.
Howard thought that Bam was going to change his ways for Missy but she said she wouldn't want him to do that. She said she can handle his partying up to a point. Sometimes she just has to let him go do what he wants to do. Howard said Missy's parents must be worried about her marrying Bam. She said her mother has known Bam for a long time and she doesn't have a problem with it. Her father passed away about 6 years ago and he was a big fan of Howard's.
Howard asked Missy if Bam is the best lover she's ever had. She said ''absolutely'' and that he's very creative. Bam said that he's figured out a way to hump in the car while he's driving. He said she sits on his lap and faces the road as he's banging her. Robin wondered how that comes up and how he breaks the news to her. Bam said that they go to this lingerie shop and he gets all worked up from that. He told a story about seeing a couple of homo thugs at that store one day. He said they were a couple of thug-types who were trying on panties and stuff.
Howard said that Missy is pretty wild because she let Bam take nude shots of her for Playboy.com. He asked her about the sex again and wanted to understand what they do in the car. Bam pulls his pants down and missy sits on his lap while he's driving. Bam said her legs are in the middle of Bam's legs and they have plenty of room as long as they're driving the Hummer. Bam said he lives out in the woods and doesn't have to deal with traffic. Howard asked them to demonstrate the position so they could get an idea of what that looks like. They showed Howard and he said they're very talented to be able to do something like that. Howard said he's trained to do a very simple position so he can get it done quick before the girl changes her mind.
Bam talked about this TV show they're doing. They have 9 shows that they're doing but they've already been asked to do a second season. Howard asked Missy if she wears sexy outfits for the show. She said she will do that for certain times like when they go out at night, but she tries to keep it real. Howard said that these marriage shows don't always work out. The Jessica Simpson show is a good example of that. Bam said that he and Missy are different because she isn't a celebrity. She doesn't even care to be on TV.
Howard asked Bam if he wants to keep his girlfriend working in the sign shop she works in. Bam said that she's been asked to do Maxim and other magazines. Missy said she likes working in the sign shop so she does that for fun. Howard said that Bam must have women who throw themselves at him and wondered if they're going to take him away from her. Bam said that he told Missy that he wanted to get a Real Doll so he could do anything he wants to her. Bam said that Missy actually ordered the doll for him and he hasn't gotten it yet. He said he thinks that his roommates are going to be fucking the thing when he goes off to do his thing.
Howard asked Bam if he's having the best life. Bam was telling him about all of the people he has living with him and it sounded like a lot of fun. Howard asked him if he had a bachelor party. He said he already had it and it was wild. He said that Missy went to some spa while he went out to Vegas where he had a room with a bowling alley and a bartender. He said there were three ''lezzies'' eating each other out when he woke up from a nap. Then he sees that Don Vito had shit his pants after getting drunk.
Bam said he didn't have sex out there but he did watch the hot chicks having sex. He claims that MTV set up the girls for him. He told Howard about all of the crazy shit that went on at the hotel room that night. He threw a bowling ball at one of the guy's balls and ass and he ended up shitting himself.
Bam says their wedding is going to be pretty mellow and small. He said he plans on living out in Westchester, Pennsylvania. He doesn't want to live out in L.A. because he'd be stuck with all of the traffic out there. Howard asked Missy if she's ever done any lesbian stuff in her life. Bam said that she ate out some chick in high school but she claims she just made out with her. Bam said that if you start bringing chicks into the relationship, it can ruin it. Howard agreed but he has talked to her about it.
Robin asked Bam and Missy if they're going to have kids. Bam said it won't be for the first couple of years. He said he doesn't need a little ''me'' running around doing Jackass shit like he does. He's not ready for that. Howard asked Missy if she's worried about Bam doing the stunts and stuff he does. She said she is worried about that but she wouldn't leave him if he did get paralyzed or something. That led to Bam talking about the limits he has for the stunts he does in the Jackass movies. He said he doesn't want to be trampled by a bull like Johnny Knoxville does. He said Johnny does not give a shit about anything and that's why he's the boss. He gets a lot of money to do movies and stuff but he wants to see him getting kicked in the dick and stuff like that.
Bam said he regrets not doing crazy stuff if he doesn't do it. If he goes to New Zealand and sees a really high bridge, he has to jump off of it or he'll regret it. Howard gave him a plug for his TV show ''Bam Margera's Holy Wedding'' which airs tonight on MTV.
Irish John called in and asked Bam about some crazy ex-girlfriend who was selling his stuff on eBay.com. Bam said that kind of pissed him off and he tried to get some of the stuff back. He said that they had a pretty bad coke habit and she may have been out of money so she may have been selling it to make money. He said he hopes that she's able to clean up if she's still on the stuff. He said he's happy he's with Missy because she hates that shit. She doesn't do that stuff and barely drinks.
Bam said that he gave his ex-girlfriend an Audi as a gift when they broke up. She ended up wrapping the car around a tree and the cops ended up coming to his house thinking that it was him who wrecked the car. He was in Germany at the time. Bam also said that their relationship was kind of rough. They ended up fighting a lot and he fell on his neck at one point and figured that she was going to feel bad about it but she ended up throwing a glass at him. Howard read that Bam cut off all of her hair one time. Bam said she was laughing while he was doing it at the time. Then she got pissed after it and made it seem like he did it without her consent.
Howard asked Bam if he video tapes their sex together. Bam said he does do that and he keeps the tapes in a safe. Bam said he uses a fish-eye lens to make sure he gets all the action in those videos. Bam said there's one where Missy had a cat mask on that was pretty wild.
Howard gave Bam another plug for his show which starts tonight. A caller asked Bam about the brands he has on his ass. He got his ass branded with penises and he ended up getting a staff infection from that whole thing. Howard asked Bam about the gay stuff they did for the Jackass movie. Bam said he did one thing called Anal Bead Kite where he put anal beads up his ass and had a kite rip them out of there. He said that didn't make it into the movie because it was too gay.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why those guys do so much gay stuff and why they don't just suck each other's dicks. Bam said that he thinks a guy being naked and dropping into a ramp is funnier than a guy wearing clothes. Howard agreed that it's funnier when they're naked. Another caller asked what's going on with Don Vito and his lawsuit. Bam said that these ''Colorado motherfuckers'' are dragging out this case longer than they should. He explained what Don does when he has his picture taken and how he accidentally touched a girl's boob and now they're making a big deal out of it. He said they had to take him out of the Jackass movie because of that and they did a great bit where they ripped Don's tooth out with his Lamborghini.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Bam has a home sex tape out. Bam said he did release a little bit of him having sex with his old girlfriend on CKY 4 but it's only about 30 seconds. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Missy if she's ever licked Bam's ass. She doesn't usually do that but if Bam wanted it, she said she wouldn't deny him. Howard said he's never had a woman who wanted to do that to him so he's never experienced it. Howard said it can't taste good back there and it's got to make a girl nauseous.
Howard said Missy looks like a really fun girl. She thanked him for that and then Howard was going to take another call. Robin wanted to know what kind of ring he got for her though. Bam said he spent about $50,000 on the ring and another $15,000 on the wedding band. He said she's all blinged up now. He sounded angry that he had spent that much on that stuff. Missy said she did buy him that Real Doll though. That led to Howard and Fred talking about how they fucked the Real Doll they had back at K-Rock. Howard said that you have to clean up that doll after you bang it and it's not fun.
Howard took another call from a guy who said they have to get Missy on the Sybian. She wasn't into that and Howard understood why she didn't want to. He wrapped up with them after that and gave them another plug for the TV show. He asked Missy if Bam is ever normal or if he's crazy all the time. She said he's most normal when he wakes up in the morning. He gets crazier as the day goes on. Bam told Howard that he had a friend who wanted to be his Best Man and he said he could do that if he let him punch him in the eyes until they were black and blue. He let him do that too. Howard said he'll be watching their show. They went to break after that.
He quickly mentioned that Artie was out sick again today. He said he hopes he'll be back soon. Gary came in and said that the illness started out as a stomach virus and turned into a nasty cough. He didn't have a recording of the call he got from Artie though.
Howard said that George Lopez was on a radio show and blasted Jay Leno. He played the audio from that show where George said that Jay is the biggest two faced dude in show business. He said Jay was a nice guy on the phone and then put a knife in his back by going through his producers. George said that he doesn't get why Jay is leaving the Tonight Show and leaving it to Conan O'Brien the way he is. George was also saying that he thinks Jay is the worst interviewer on TV. He goofed on him saying that he was reading a card when he was interviewing him after his transplant. George said that Letterman, Conan and Kimmel are all great while Leno isn't.
Howard wasn't sure why George was so upset with Jay. Robin thinks that they didn't let him on the show or something. Howard said that he's not a fan of Jay as a human being because of the Stuttering John thing. He said that john is a good guy but he's kind of glad he's gone because they were able to hire on Sal and Richard who are doing a great job there. He said it was kind of creepy the way they stole John away from the show though.
Howard talked about how Jay called him after they stole John away and didn't understand why he was so upset about it. Howard said Jay had some people stolen away from his show one time and he apparently freaked out about that when it happened to him. He should know how he feels. Howard said he would never hold John back from leaving the show but it was the way they went about it that pissed him off. He said he told Jay that if he was going to steal someone from his show, he'd let him know ahead of time. He thinks the guy has a mental problem and he's not cool. He doesn't care if he never has him on his show again.
Howard said he is talking about stealing Oprah's friend Gayle King but he's being up front about that whole thing. He said he can't beat Oprah at her own game though so that may never happen. Howard played some edited clips of Leno saying some dirty stuff. He played through some of those and then played some Ed McMahon clips that Richard had edited together. He had Ed saying ''Zsa Zsa Gabor has mammoth cunt lips.'' Howard liked that one and played another one where Ed talks about jacking off someone while Johnny watched. There was another one where he says Johnny loved shitting on Lonnie Anderson's tits.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if anyone had thought that maybe the reason Kimberly Kane is with JD is because she's getting a ton of publicity from it. Howard sarcastically said they never thought of that. The caller also suggested that they have Artie take a drug test. Howard said he really thinks that Artie is just sick and can't believe that he would be back on drugs. Robin said that he really loves the stuff and he misses it so that amazes her. Howard said he would be shocked if Artie said he was back on heroin. He also doesn't think that he'd be so fat if he was back on drugs like that.
Lisa said that Bubba has a jacket up on eBay that he's trying to sell. She said that one of the bids was up around $7,000. They'll be looking into that and giving a report. That led to Howard talking about being down in Tampa for Bubba's wedding and the cab driver knew who Bubba was when they pulled up to the studio. They call it the Power Pig station or something like that. Robin said Bubba really was connected down there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary had made it sound like Howard's daughter had dated a black guy. Howard said that is the way it came off down there. He said Gary is not a very good communicator. He spent a minute talking about that and calling Gary stupid for doing that. He goofed on him about the way he types because he was watching him doing that with his two fingers in his office.
The caller who was on the line asked Howard if he would be upset if his daughter dated a black guy. Howard said it all depends on what kind of guy he was. If he's going to beat her with a sneaker, he wouldn't be into that. Howard said he doesn't think that any of them have dated black guys but it's possible.
Howard also played the prank call that the guys made to G. Gordon Liddy's radio show. Howard said that one might be his favorite radio prank. Sal has his brother, Crackhead Bob, asking Gordon some questions while he was over in Israel doing his radio show. After that call Howard played another one where Richard called a sports show and said he had a football stuck up his shitpipe. They said they couldn't help him out with that. Sal then called in doing his black guy voice and asked who the white girl was. He said that he thinks that the girl wanted some good old fashioned black balls. The guys on the show got back to sports talk and then took another phone call. It was Sal again. Everyone on the show would go ''WHOaaaa'' when they'd get the calls. Sal threw in a comment about the chick getting the job by putting a chicken wing in her pussy so they'd hang up on him pretty quick.
Howard played some more Ed McMahon audio clips and then read a column from The Washington Post where they claim that XM's headquarters is infested with rats the size of small house cats. They apparently sent out a memo about the rats and explained how the rats are nesting in their fiber optic cables. Howard said they have the worst luck over there at XM.
Howard read another story where the guys who have the rights to make the Joey Ramone story have said that in body type and looks, Howard Stern is the right guy for the role. Howard said he could probably do that role. He tried to get Joey's voice down and he could probably do a good impression of him. He said it's been a long time since he's spoken to Joey so he can't remember exactly what he sounded like.
Howard wondered if they'd want him to sing as Joey as well as talk like him. Fred played some Ramones songs while Howard was doing his impression of Joey. He figured he could play Joey, Joey's mom, his agent and even play himself in the movie.
Howard mentioned that they had Sarah Silverman coming in next. He had to take a break first though. He talked bout her new TV show and told Robin how weird it is. He said it is good even though it's so weird. That led to him talking about Jimmy and Sarah having sex in his house when they came for a visit last summer. He said he didn't hear anything coming from them and it would be weird to think about Sarah having sex. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Sarah and also mentioned the Miss Black Howard Stern contest they have going on right now. He told Sarah he saw her show and it's unlike anything he's seen on TV. He said that her real life sister plays her sister in the show. The sister supports her in the show but that's all made up, it never really happened that way.
Howard said Sarah bangs God in one scene of the show. She said that his name in that scene is Tucker Smallwood. Howard played a clip from that scene where Sarah and God are talking about their night. She tells him that she can't hang out with him because she promised to help a friend move. She then kind of blows him off and says she doesn't have a cell phone. Then her phone rings. She pretends it's her Nanna but God knows that she died 6 years ago. Sarah liked that he played such a long clip for her. Howard said it was good.
Howard got back to the Miss Black Howard Stern thing and said they're looking for African American women who are at least 75 percent black to enter the contest. Sarah said that means ''no octaroons'' and that she has a bumper sticker that says that. Howard said the contest is sponsored by Clips4Sale.com.
Howard asked Sarah if she and Jimmy ever watch porn and work that stuff into their sex. She said they enjoy watching amateur porn and real people doing it. She said she goes through phases where she just watches porn on the internet for a full day. She said that she gets sick of it eventually and then gives up on it for a while.
Sarah said that Jimmy is into porn where there are stories and romance and stuff. She said she's the kind who just needs to see the ending shot. She said she's not even into lesbian porn, she just likes boring cock. Howard said he can't imagine her laying there touching herself. She told him not to think about her that way.
Howard said he had a girl tell him that she didn't want to be in his head the rest of his life so she didn't want to take his virginity. Howard said he wore her down and she eventually did it.
Howard asked Sarah what happened on Conan last night when they bleeped out her Retard comment in her song. She didn't realize how bad it was because she hadn't seen it. Howard told her they took out a whole chunk of the show when they did that. Howard told her that now she knows how he felt at K-Rock when they'd bleep out whole sections of his show. He played the clip for her and played most of the song, right up through the part where they silenced her ''retard'' comment.
Sarah was bummed that they cut out so much of the song. She said that was really bad. She got clearance to do the song and didn't know that they were going to cut it out like that. She thought that they were fighting with the censors to get it through and figured that would happen. Howard told Sarah that Conan has a retarded brother but he was just joking around. Howard and Sarah talked about how bad censorship has gotten lately.
Howard said he finds it hard to believe that she masturbates to porn. He thinks that's pretty hot. She said she really hasn't done it that much lately. She also told Howard that Jimmy told her about this web site where she sees a lot of this stuff. She started to clam up a little bit and said that Jimmy is listening and would probably want her to not talk about that stuff. Howard thought she talked about that stuff in her act though. She said she doesn't talk about clits like Howard said she does. She doesn't even like that word.
Howard said he'd love to know what Sarah masturbates to. She didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it though. That led to them talking about Jimmy's penis because Howard thought there was a problem with it. Sarah said that the hole in his penis started closing up and he had to have that fixed. It kept getting smaller and smaller until the pee was coming out like it was coming out of a needle. She said that he had to have some rods put in that hole but he toughed it out. Howard said he could kill himself just thinking about that. She said that his cousin Sal had the same problem so it must run in the family.
Howard said he can't imagine Sarah with a load on her face. Sarah said she can't do that because it clogs your pores. They changed subjects pretty quick and talked about how Sarah plays Scrabble on the web and even on her cell phone. Howard said that he played against her and Jimmy and he sucked at it. Sarah said she plays against Alyssa Milano online. She gets her ass kicked by Alyssa all the time. They live in the same building so that's how she knows her. Howard said he could imagine the two of them having sex but Sarah said she's not into that, she's into boring cock.
Howard couldn't get over the fact that she masturbates. He still couldn't picture her doing that for some reason. Howard said if Beth did that, he'd get jealous because that means she's having fantasies. Sarah said she doesn't even think about real stuff in those fantasies she has. She has to think about big, fat, old slobs banging her and things like that. She would never want that in real life. Howard said he'd still get jealous. He said he doesn't beat off while thinking about Beth. He said that would be sick, although he did that once. He said he told Beth he did that and she didn't believe it.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her new show ''The Sarah Silverman Program'' which airs Thursday night at 10 on Comedy Central. He had another clip from the show to play. In that clip Sarah thinks that she has AIDS and gets all weird over it. Howard said that her sister is in the show and she's actually really good in it. Sarah said she's really good but she has to keep her from being funnier than her.
Sarah said she hates her voice on that show and she wants to kill herself when she does it. She wanted to crawl up into a ball and die right there. Howard ended up telling a story about Jimmy and Sarah doing it for the first time. He said they were making out and stuff and they brought it into the bedroom and Jimmy was naked by the time they got to the door. She said that Jimmy was very confident and said that it was definitely going to happen so he got naked. Howard thought that was kind of creepy. He said that it must have kind of creeped her out though. She said that Jimmy has a total swimmer's body when he takes his clothes off. He may not look like that when you see him.
Howard asked Sarah what she means when she says that Jimmy's balls smell like her grandmother's house. She said that's just a line she uses but balls do have a smell. She asked Howard if he ever smells his balls. He said he knows they're disgusting and asked her to come smell his balls. She said she would do that as a friend. He asked her if she thinks she could sniff out Jimmy's balls if they had a line up. She said she thinks she could do that.
Robin asked how many episodes of her show she's doing for Comedy Central. She said they only asked for 6 so that's all she's doing at this point. If people watch, they'll do more. Howard read that Sarah lives in the same building as Nicole Ritchie. He said it sounds like a cool building having Alyssa Milano and Nicole living there. Sarah said there are a bunch of cool people living there and a lot of them are older people. She said that this building is like a second home for some of the stars who stay there though.
Howard said he can't believe that Sarah isn't going to have children with Jimmy. She said she doesn't want to have kids and give birth to anyone. She said she might adopt but she doesn't want to have any of her own. She said she would adopt a Chinese boy or something ''brown.''
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Sarah if she wears panties and if she could simulate her orgasm for them. She said she does wear underwear but she doesn't like thongs. She said she's coated in hair and she really doesn't like wearing that stuff. Howard told her she should wax her arms after she said she was thinking of doing that for when she goes on The View on Thursday. She was also telling Howard that she has very fine black hairs on her ass. Howard has seen her with very few clothes on when they've hung out. Howard said she's got a great body but she doesn't show it off much.
Howard asked Sarah if she has hair on her upper lip. She said she doesn't have it there so she must have lucked out. She said she is pretty hairy down below and has to shave her thighs. Howard wondered if he would feel stubble if he had his hand down there and ran it up her thigh. She said it depends on how sensitive his hands are. Howard wondered if she gets hair on her nipples. She said she doesn't have a lot of that going on, there may have been a hair or two that she's had to tweeze.
Howard told Sarah that he really likes her a lot. She said that she likes him as well but then got disgusted with her voice and said she didn't want to talk anymore. She said she'd rather have one of those voice box things but wondered if she'd have to have cancer first.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if Sarah has hair under her shirt. Howard said she lifted up her shirt and she didn't have any hair there. Another guy asked if Sarah takes it in the ass. She said she doesn't do it because doody comes out of there. She said her asshole is there for decoration, kind of like an appendix scar would be. Howard said that Beth rarely shits and he knows she's going to get colon cancer if she keeps that up. He said that turns him on though because she doesn't shit so often.
Sarah said she has this fleet enema thing that she never uses and one time she opened it up and found a note from jimmy that said ''I know what you're doing...'' Howard thought that was pretty funny. He said he could never do that because he can't wait an hour before telling Beth about gifts that he's gotten for her.
Howard started to wrap up with Sarah and gave her another plug for her show. She told Howard how hard it was working on that show. She didn't realize how little work she had done to get to where she is in her career so it was a wake up call. Howard said he hopes the show is successful but not too successful. He doesn't like it when people have success. Sarah said that she will always need him. Howard gave her a plug for the show and for her appearances at Caroline's on Broadway in Manhattan today and tomorrow. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they are working on a story about Artie since he's out sick today. Steve said that they've got another web site where they're worried about Artie's well being. That site ArtiesOnDrugs.com will be part of the story they do about Artie today. Howard said he thinks that Artie is just sick and wondered if he's just too trusting or what. Gary said he feels the same way.
Steve said they have an interview with a comic book writer where they ask him if Fartman would ever make a return. Howard said he'd like to do something on a real small budget and maybe put it on Howard TV or something. He said no one believed in him. Maybe they did because New Line was going to make the movie.
Steve said that they have a story about Sal the Stockbroker shitting himself last week and how he didn't realize he was wallowing in his own feces even though he had ditched the underwear he shit. Steve got in a mention for Jackie the Joke Man's show ''Jackie's Joke Hunt'' which airs tonight at 7pm. Riley Martin's show is on at Midnight.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard who he would like to interview if he could ask anyone in history a question. Howard said he would like to talk to Robin's Dad. He said he'd love to know what that guy was thinking. He then went on to say that he'd like to interview Adolf Hitler after Robin's dad. His top three would also include maybe OJ Simpson. Howard figures he'd be full of shit though so he'd probably be a bad interview.
Howard said that maybe L. Ron Hubbard would be another interview he'd do. He said that guy is a bigger horse shit artist than him. He said that would have to be the third guy on his list, not OJ. Robin asked him why he wouldn't want Charles Manson on. Howard said he babbles too much. John Lennon's name was brought up by Jon Hein. Howard said he would enjoy that interview too. That led to an argument between Robin and Howard about whether or not Mozart was a great musician or not. Robin argued he was but Howard figured he wasn't as great as a John Lennon.
Howard said the truth is that he'd probably end up interviewing Ian Ziering, not Robin's dad, Adolf Hitler or L. Ron Hubbard. The caller also asked Howard if he's going to play in any chess tournaments. Howard said there's one in Jersey that he's heard about but Beth probably wouldn't be too happy if he went. He was thinking about going to a chess club in Manhattan too. It's supposed to be real cool. He said he actually prefers playing online because he can remain anonymous that way.
Howard had Jon Hein give his show rundown. Jon ran through the few stories that they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be covering the Artie story, Bam Margera's visit and of course Sarah Silverman's interview.
Jon brought up the JD discussion they had earlier where he revealed that he's better at text messaging than talking on the phone. Howard said JD text messages his girlfriend sometimes and writes stuff like ''Hey gorgeous, how are you?'' He said he acts like a real player when he does that stuff but he's really not. Jon Hein wrapped up his show rundown so Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard read some e-mail during the news. He said some people emailed about the Scores discussion they had yesterday. Some people think that sex happens in all strip clubs but Howard said that's never happened for him. He also read some stuff about his own problems that people have written in about. Someone actually told him he's a good looking guy and he should listen to his girlfriend when she says he's good looking.
More names were mentioned for the next roast including people like the Osbournes, George Takei, Jaime Foxx and John Stamos. Then some people wrote in and said no more roasts because they've all sucked so far. Howard isn't sure who to listen to. Robin told him it was one e-mail, ignore it.
Howard read one e-mail from someone who got into ''American Chopper'' after they did some ads for the show. Howard also got some feedback about Sal's weird behavior on the show yesterday. Sal hadn't been in the studio at all today. Robin said Sal asked her if it was safe to come in there today. Howard said of course it's safe. Robin said she heard there's a pool going where they're trying to figure out when Sal is going to lose his job. Howard said his job isn't in jeopardy at this point though. Some people wrote in about Artie's ''sickness'' and said that junkies don't eat so he can't be back on drugs.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him who he would eat if he had to eat someone in the studio. Howard picked Robin. Robin said that if they were going to go on with the show, he wouldn't want to eat her first. Howard told her that would be if they were in a plane crash and stuck on an island somewhere. Then he'd eat Robin first. Fred told him he should think about having sex with her too so maybe he wouldn't want to eat her first. Howard said that's true and he wouldn't want to fuck the person he's going to eat.
Howard and Robin talked about plastic surgery during the news and Howard thinks that he's never going to get a face lift. He thinks it looks too freaky on a dude. He said he decided about a year ago that he's just going to grow old and deal with it. He said he's amazed that he doesn't have to dye his hair at his age. He's 53 and still has that jet black hair. He'd rather not have his face ripped off and sewn back on so he looks like a woman. He said Al Pacino did that and he doesn't look right anymore. They also talked about how Bubba the Love Sponge gets Botox injections. He's also willing to have a face lift some day when he needs it. Howard wondered who's looking at him anyway.
Howard mentioned a couple of things they have coming up on the show soon. They're going to be taking all of the food that Artie eats and put it into a big jug to see just how much he can eat. He was going to do that today but wanted Artie to be there. They're also going to line up all of the fat guys on the show and try to put them in order of weight. He also mentioned a few guests they have coming up soon like Richard Simmons, Yucko the Clown and Mary Carey.
Steve Langford came in late in the news with a breaking story. Steve said that Blue Iris sent a voice mail saying that she's in a hospital and has suffered a stroke. She's apparently okay and it wasn't a serious stroke. She's saying she'll be out in a couple of days. Howard was surprised that he broke into the news with that story.
Howard said she was on the phone earlier and didn't realize that's what had happened so he didn't get to her. Gary said he had a voice mail from her so Howard played that. She didn't sound any different than usual. She left the message for Richard and said she had a little accident and was in the hospital. Howard said they'll talk to her tomorrow.
Howard said he thought when Steve came in that he was going to say something about Artie being in the hospital or something. Robin said he must not be so trusting of Artie if that's what he was thinking. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard said that Artie was out sick again this morning. He did make a phone call to Gary though and he swears that nothing sinister is going on and he really is sick. He even threw in that little cough of his to prove that he's sick. Howard played the clip and Artie said that he's really not done with the cough thing so he can't come in. Artie said he should be in on Thursday for sure. He apologized and said he'll see them on Thursday. Howard said they should compare that message with the old message from when he was on heroin.
they had an edited version of that call and it sounded very similar. That version of the call has Artie snorting stuff as he's saying he's not coming in. Artie has a big gig out in Las Vegas this weekend. Robin said that he's going to make it in for one more day this week. She also pointed out that he took off Thursday last week and then went out house hunting on Friday. She and Howard both said he should have stayed home to get better if he was starting to feel better.
Howard said he didn't want to throw fuel on the fire because he thinks Artie is fine. Some guy said he saw Artie out on Rt. 78 in New Jersey and described the car correctly. Howard played that clip and the guy said he was driving his truck and saw the guy out driving. Howard said that maybe he was driving to the doctor.
Ralph also thinks there's something wrong with Artie and he may have gotten upset about the whole bookie argument they had a while back. Howard played another audio clip where Ralph gives his theory about how maybe it wasn't a bookie.
Howard played a message that Artie left for him back in 2005 when he was out ''sick.'' That's when he was on heroin and trying to get over it. Artie threw in some of those phony coughs of his that day too. It was very similar to the message he left about not being in today. He played a second message from back in 2005 where Artie talks about how he can't stop throwing up and that he has a stomach virus. Howard said that he's never suspicious of that stuff and believed Artie was really sick. He had no idea he was battling heroin addiction. He played the message from today and it really did sound like the same thing.
Howard said he and Robin must be stupid for believing that stuff. He went right into a prank call the guys created using Artie's old messages. They called a business and had Artie calling in sick to that place so the guy had no clue who it was. Even that guy knew that Artie wasn't all that sick when he heard that call.
Howard goofed on Artie a little bit about the phony cough he threw into those old calls. He played a song parody where they had his call and snorting thrown in. The song was ''Artie Snorts Heroin.'' He said the speculation continues but his opinion, which is coming from a very naive guy, is that he's actually sick. He asked Robin what she thinks. She said she's on the fence about the whole thing. She said that when people have problems with drugs like that, they have to have a long period of sobriety for her to believe they haven't fallen off the wagon.
Howard said he has to think that the way he eats would make him fall asleep in the studio. Robin said she thinks that it could be the drugs that would cause that. He does kind of fall asleep half way through the show though.
Howard thought the caller sounded like he was on something. The caller said he's just drunk. He said he doesn't have to work until 5 tonight so he has time to get over that. Howard said he gets jealous of work hours like that. He mentioned that Beth was going out last night and he had to go to bed early because he had to get up early to do the show. Robin said she sees people like that who get to sleep until noon while she has to go to work.
Howard talked about going out to clubs when he was single again. He said he went to a club one time and picked up a chick who ended up calling the bouncer at the club the N-word. He wondered who the hell he was standing next to when that was going on. He said people could have seen that and had it written up in the paper. He said she told him she lived in Hell's Kitchen and figured that was bad news so he got rid of her as fast as he could. He said he pushed her out of the cab and kept going.
Howard knew that chick was big trouble and he didn't agree with her view of the world. He figured she was really low rent so he ended it before it started. Robin said that's the kind of chick who ends up throwing stuff at his window and boiling rabbits in his kitchen. Howard said when he went to those clubs he'd have to dance to show he was fun and it was embarrassing when they had him behind ropes and stuff keeping people from coming near him.
Howard created the scene at the club with some loud club music and yelling to people in the club. He said he thinks that chick was from Kansas or someplace like that. He figures that people like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan go to clubs but try to avoid people the whole night. He said he's glad he's done with that whole scene himself.
Howard said that pussy is like his heroin. That's what they're going to put on his headstone when he's gone. He talked about how he's got friends who are still out hunting for pussy at clubs like that and they're married.