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Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to the show and wondering what everyone was doing. Robin said she hopes that everyone is sleeping. Howard said that he was listening to some more clips of this psychic Sylvia Browne from Montel Williams' show. Howard said he wasn't going to curse her out but Artie took over and called her a cunt for him.
Howard talked about the clip they played last week where she wasn't able to come up with the correct reason for why a woman's boyfriend had been lost. Sylvia said it was a drowning but the woman told him that he was in the World Trade Center, not in water. Sylvia insisted that he was in water. He replayed that clip and said that she should have just admitted she was lying to the woman. She just kept going and insisted that her boyfriend had drowned. Montel even worked with her and agreed that he could have drowned from the hoses that were spraying down the building.
Howard had another clip where Sylvia Browne tells a family that their daughter Michelle was shot and killed. The mother says that she's not sure how her daughter died so Sylvia comes right in and says that she was shot. The family says that the autopsy showed it wasn't a gun shot. Sylvia was telling them that she could see that she was hit in the chest with something very hard and Montel even gets in and says that maybe she was hit in the chest playing sports or something.
Howard and the guys talked about Sylvia and how she's so matter-of-fact about everything she does. Howard said that you're supposed to be more vague when you talk about some of that stuff though. Howard did an impression of her telling that family about how their daughter died and them telling her that she actually just collapsed in her apartment.
Howard played some of Montel giving Sylvia a plug for her cruise where she's going to be doing her psychic stuff with the cruise ship passengers. Howard wondered how many hours a day she can actually bullshit people. That's pretty ballsy according to Artie. Howard continued to play more clips of Sylvia telling her bullshit stories. Artie was laughing and doing an impression of her after a couple more minutes.
Howard got into his impression of Sylvia which was a very deep voiced man's voice since that's the way she sounds. One woman asks Sylvia about feeling a ghost in a room someplace so she asked who it was and why it was there. Sylvia came up with a story for her and told her that the female spirit, not a ghost, was left behind for some wacky reason. Howard and Artie continued to goof on her after hearing that.
Howard found one clip where Sylvia says ''No, no, no, no...'' and her voice was actually lower than his. He replayed that and did his Lurch impression from The Munsters as if it were her.
Howard went into a bit that Sal and Richard did as Jack and Rod with a psychic on the phone. They used audio clips of Hank the Dwarf to talk to the woman and she gave him a reading... even though he's been dead for years. They had Hank talking about women and making rude comments to the psychic on the phone. Jack and Rod asked her when he might die. She said that she felt that he was already dead inside. Little did she know... She eventually hung up after one too many rude comments.
Howard had a caller on the line who wanted to defend Sylvia Browne. The caller said that she has solved many crimes so he wondered what Howard thought. Howard said she had predicted that this 15 year old boy who was just found last week, had been killed. The caller said that she's world renowned for solving crimes. He said she's been on Psychic Detectives on TV. Howard told the guy to go chase her around on the cruise ship that she's going to be on.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what the difference is between this broad and Riley Martin. Howard said they have the exact same thing going on, they're both full of shit. Howard said the Riley is harmless while Sylvia is telling families stories that aren't true about missing relatives. She also threw off the investigation for that 15 year old kid that was found last week.
Howard did his Riley impression for a short time and goofed on him a little bit as well. He took a call from a guy who said they should have a show with both Riley and Sylvia. Howard said they could call her out on her bullshit if she had a show there. He can't believe that people don't call her out when she tells them obvious lies.
Another caller said that in 2001 an organization offered Sylvia Browne a $1 million prize if she could prove her powers. She accepted the offer but six years later she still hasn't taken the test.
Robin said that this guy is nit picking with the stuff that Howard was reading. The guy picks apart every single thing that Robin gets wrong. Howard continued to read through the notes that this guy has about Robin and Robin tried to defend herself. Robin said this guy is wrong about some of that stuff himself. Howard said that they should get this guy on the show and see what's up with him. Artie said he was on Robin's side in this because the guy was going a little far with the things she gets wrong.
Howard said they're going to get this guy in. He wants Robin to debate him but she said she's not going to do that. She told Howard to get some of the people from SFN on the show to debate them if that's the way he wants to do things. Robin said she doesn't want to be bothered with stuff like that because she doesn't read negative things about herself. She doesn't enjoy that. Artie said that's Eddie Murphy's policy as well.
Robin said she's not going to give this guy any attention and will walk off the show if they bring him in. Howard was still talking about how he wants to get the guy in there anyway but Robin said she's not going to entertain it. She said he's making up stuff and she's not going to play along with it. Artie said this guy is probably on SFN as well.
Robin said that she's not bothered by this guy but Howard thought she sure sounded bothered by getting so upset about the whole thing. Howard told her she has to debate him but she said that's not going to happen, even for a million dollars. Howard asked her what she'd do if he turned out to be some big fat guy wearing a mumu. She said it doesn't matter to her. She doesn't want to be involved. Howard asked Robin if she would debate the guy if it turned out to be someone like Sal or Jackie. She still didn't care.
Robin said she doesn't appreciate Howard bringing this up because it will never leave if he keeps entertaining it. Howard insisted that she debate the guy. Robin told him to fire her. Howard took the blame and said it was his web site but she was still telling him to fire him. Howard said that's like Artie threatening to leave the show if they have their Real Doll made into Grandma Caprio. Howard is going to have to start over solo again if he does both of those things.
Howard said that he wanted to thank the guy who sent him the membership to the National Asshole Association recently. He said he's very proud to be a member. He said that if Robin brings that guy in, he's going to leave the show himself.
Robin goofed on Howard saying that she's going to start a HowardIsFunny web site and it's going to be a blank page. Howard told her that she's going to debate that guy the same day he gets his Grandma Caprio Real Doll and fucks her. Robin said that would be a very interesting day.
Howard got back to the Oprah thing and said that this family dragged the kid onto Oprah but their son wasn't allowed to talk about the kidnapping because it's an ongoing investigation. They had to avoid that discussion so they spent a long time talking about the ridiculous thing about the kid getting to know him. He said that dragging the kid on that show was just wrong.
Robin said she asked the family off camera what they think happened. The family said they think the kid was sexually abused. The experts were saying that this kid doesn't want that kind of thing being discussed on national TV.
Robin threw another person into the Asshole Club... Bill O'Reilly. He apparently said that the kid probably enjoyed being kidnapped. He didn't have to go to school and got to play video games. The guys talked about how ridiculous that is. Robin said O'Reilly isn't going to apologize until he does some more research on the whole thing.
Howard said he missed the football games because he was watching chess games. Artie said he likes to hear that over him watching Dawson's Creek or something like that. Howard said that Beth had gotten him a date with this chess guy who came out to visit him over the weekend. He said he'd talk about that later.
Howard said that Beth had asked him ''What happened to my boyfriend?'' over the weekend. He wondered what that meant and said it's been bothering him. He said she said that after he spent so much time with chess. Howard said he's really not sure if it's the chess or not. Robin said that maybe he hasn't balanced it out right with chess and Beth. Robin said Beth actually mentioned it on the plane ride to Florida. She said Beth was telling her about how the whole chess thing had been taking over his life like nothing before. Howard said he can't get good at it unless he concentrates on it.
Howard asked if he should give up the chess thing. Robin told him not to give it up, he just needs to balance it out. Howard said he joined a tournament and Beth asked him to get out of that. She told him that he's driving himself insane with it. He said he was probably misquoting her in that.
Robin and Artie said that this was going back to the whole Dancing with the Stars thing when Howard wouldn't tell Beth not to do it. Artie said that this is the first time that Beth isn't into the same thing he's into so it's very new to her. Artie said that this is what happens and Howard is eventually going to be like him... without Dana.
Howard said he wants to argue with Robin but he really can't. She told him to go to RobinsWrong.com and he'll find something to argue with her about. Howard said he knows he gets into stuff a little too much but that's just him. Artie said that relationships survive that all the time. He said you can't find balance in the world with everything.
Robin said that at Bubba's wedding the preacher was talking about how there's an ebb and a flow with the whole relationship thing and Beth doesn't have that ring to touch. Howard said she might be right about that. Howard said that he's been into this whole chess thing and Artie was comparing it to a guy being in a softball league. He said that it's not that different. Artie told him that as long as he doesn't have kids with her, he'll be fine. He said Beth should look good for the next 30 years as long as she doesn't. Howard said he doesn't want to screw up his relationship and though he was just having some fun. He said the whole thing will eventually wear out and he'll be back to doing his regular thing.
Howard mentioned that Beth was on Good Morning America last week and she had this dog David with her. After the show the dog still wasn't adopted even though the dog was so cute. He said that the dog's story was really sad and Beth really didn't get to talk about it. The dog had to be given up after an older couple had to give it up when they went into a nursing home. The dog is 8 years old and that was the thing that Robin said was probably the main problem. Howard said the dog is really cute and a very nice dog. He asked Robin if she was touched by that. She had no desire to take the dog in.
Howard and Artie talked about dogs for a short time and Artie was wondering if Howard plays fetch with his lazy dog. Howard said he does that all the time. It's just a little bit of play which is fine with him. The dog gets worn out very easily so it's not a hard thing to deal with.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that it seems that Howard has an ADD type of thing going on. It's called Hyperfocus. The woman said that you find something new and focus on it intensely for a short time. Robin asked how you can get over that kind of thing. Howard said his hyperfocus has shifted but that doesn't change his love for Beth. He said she knows that he's in love with her. Howard said Fred is waiting for him to hyperfocus on him.
Fred told Howard that he had just looked at David the Dog on the North Shore Animal League web site and the dog looked kind of like Gary the Retard to him. He said he really can't take in another dog himself either. Howard said the dog could live a few more years and really deserves to be adopted.
Artie talked about all of the guys down there were staying at the Shore Club and they weren't able to sleep because it's so loud all the time. Artie said Jon Stewart had a lot of nice things to say about the show when he saw him down there.
Artie said that the bar at this Shore Club goes right out to the pool and there were a ton of hot chicks laying on these beds that are next to the pool. He said he was hanging out in the nice warm Florida air and he felt like he was getting healthier by doing that... and smoking a cigarette at the same time.
Artie said he tried to go to sleep that night but it was so loud in his room he just couldn't do it. He said he was talking to some women at the club and it just wasn't a good place for him to find a chick. He said there were chicks laying in these beds in thongs so it was pretty crazy out there.
Artie said that Jon Stewart was telling him how the show was kicking ass these days. He also mentioned that Billy Joel was in the front row of Jon's show so that was a big deal for him. Artie also talked about the food that they had down there and how great that was. He had a Cuban sandwich that was great.
Jessica said she walks her golden retriever for hours at a time and doesn't make it pee on wee wee pads. Jessica wants the dog but they'd have to fly it out to Los Angeles for her. She really feels bad for the dog and wants to adopt it.
High Pitch Eric claims he's very responsible but no one believed that. Howard said that Eric is kind of slow. Gary told Howard not to hang up on him yet... He asked Eric if it's true that he had his dog lick his balls. Eric said he did that one time for the Craptacular show. Eric said he put chicken on his balls and had it lick them. Howard said that's sick and wondered if he does that often. Eric said it was just a one time thing and it was just a trick.
Howard and Artie told Eric to go on Letterman with that trick. He could be doing both a stupid human trick and a stupid pet trick at the same time. Artie told Eric that the only thing he needs now is a human. Irish John called in and said that Eric has left his dog for up to a week at a time without being taken care of. He said they went back to his apartment one time and the dog had figured out how to open the refrigerator to get some food. John said the pets also shit in his bath tub. He also said Eric called him the other night asking him to come over and kill a bug for him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that no one should let Eric anywhere near a dog. Howard said he has no control over that. The caller said he would love to have this dog. He just lost a pet recently and would really like this dog. The guy said that Jessica can't keep a dog because she's insane. As Howard was getting off the line with Eric, Artie said ''I guarantee his cock is inside a dog right now...''
Howard played a prank call that Sal had made where he had a dog licking his balls as he's talking to a woman about adopting a pet. Howard said he can't see Eric being allowed to have another dog so he's not too worried about that happening. He had to go to break but mentioned that his Letterman appearance is being rerun this week. His Jimmy Kimmel appearance is also being rerun.
Artie said he thinks the Stones should use JD live for the one song that Dan had done. Howard said JD could tour with both The Rolling Stones and with The Who after hearing those song parodies.
JD told Howard that he was mentioned on The View and on Jeopardy. He said that Howard was an answer on Jeopardy. Howard played that clip where they mentioned Howard's move to satellite radio. The contestant got the answer correct. JD said they also had The View mention of him so Howard played that clip after talking about how he and Rosie are getting along these days.
In the clip Rosie was talking about how Howard Stern had gotten an $83 million bonus. Howard said that no one has ever gotten his compensation correct in all these years. He continued to play the clip where Rosie and the girls were talking about the amount of that bonus. Barbara Walters also mentioned that her old interviews are on SIRIUS now. Barbara said that she spoke to Howard and said that he was very cute and nice to her when she called in. Even Elisabeth Hasselbeck had some nice things to say about him when they were all on the subject. She said she sees him running in the park often.
Howard said that Paul McCartney had to give his ex-wife $62 million to get rid of her. That led to Robin talking about what she would have done for him if she was going to get that kind of money. Howard asked her what she would do to High Pitch Eric for a month for $50 million. She said that was a different story and she wasn't quite so willing to do that.
Howard played an audio clip that someone put together of JD mumbling and trying to get out a sentence. Artie said he would love to have that CD to play at tailgate parties and stuff.
Artie said he yells at his assistant, Teddy, when he sends him out but it's just a bit that he does. Lisa said that they have audio tape of Artie trying to pick up women pool side and they'll have that on the news today. Shuli will have that report today. She said they have also spoken to George Takei who will be making more appearances on the TV show ''Heroes.'' That led to Howard talking about that show which starts back up tonight. He's looking forward to that.
Lisa G said that Johnny Fratto was on ''One Vs. One Hundred'' and they will talk about that and more on Howard 100 News today, throughout the day.
Howard was wondering if people were tuning out at half time in the Patriots game. Artie said he thinks that it was still a great game and people didn't tune out. Gary said that he listens to a lot of sports radio and several people were calling into sports radio shows talking about how they tuned out. Robin said she actually stayed up to watch the game because the second half turned out to be so exciting.
Howard said they'll try to get a hold of the ratings for that game to find out how many people tuned out. They continued to talk about the game and then Ralph called in and said he's kind of getting tired of Artie's snide remarks about him. He said that Artie makes it seem like he knows nothing about football but he can pick games better than anyone else there. Gary asked Ralph to name just 5 players on the Patriots. Ralph refused to do it because he thought it was ridiculous.
Artie was also asking him to name the place kicker was on the Colts and why it was important. Ralph didn't know who it was and didn't think it mattered. Artie told him that the guy used to play for the Patriots and won them some games and now he's on their arch rival's team.
Gary asked Ralph what he bases his picks on when he does that for a game. Ralph said he just takes things into consideration but he can't divulge his reasons. The guys all picked on Ralph about that for a short time but Ralph held his ground and didn't cave in.
Howard said he found out yesterday that Ralph may have OCD. He said Ralph always calls him back after hanging up the phone. He said he figured he has OCD but Ralph isn't sure if that's true or not. He said he does have to walk back into his house after he leaves and stuff like that.
Howard said Ralph called him yesterday and then called right back and apologized to him for mentioning the check he got from him at Christmas. Howard just wanted to go have his day after getting that call. He said Ralph calls him back with something else after hanging up with him every time. He's not sure what Ralph is thinking when he does that.
Howard said it looked like Ralph had gained some weight when they were down in Florida. He said Ralph has a bit of a belly and some tits now. Ralph told Howard that he noticed that Howard was pulling his bathing suit up to his nipples down there too so he's hiding something. Howard said he's got to do what he's got to do.
Howard said that he mentioned he went to see ''Rocky Balboa'' the other day and talked about how bad it was. Now they've started to get a lot of mail about it. He read through some of the mail and people went off on him for bad mouthing Sylvester Stallone after claiming to be his friend. Ralph called back in the middle of that and said that he forgot to mention something and brought up something pointless with Artie.
Howard also talked about how he became good friends with Billy Squier years ago. They went over that for a short time and talked about how his whole career was kind of ruined after he did a video that was kind of gay. Artie thought that he had a bunch of hits but Howard said it was really only two songs. He also said he didn't think it was the gay video that ruined his career, it was the fact that he didn't have any good songs that ruined it. They ended up playing some Billy Squier songs and talking about how good some of his guitar riffs were. Howard read through his list of hits and didn't recognize many of them.
Ralph called back in and said that the gay video that Billy did really did ruin his career. Howard said it probably did help ruin it. He said that Freddy Mercury was actually gay but he was able to keep his career going. That led to Howard talking about how Scott DePace claims that after he found out that Elton John was gay, he can no longer listen to his music. He said that's ridiculous.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching Oprah last week when that kidnapped kid was on. He said the kid wouldn't look at his mother at all during that show. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that but then Artie interrupted and said he was watching that Rock Me Tonight video that Billy Squier put out and it was even gayer than he thought it was. The guy was wearing a pink belly shirt and it was so gay looking. Howard said it really was gay as he was checking it out. Gary said he even prances to the window at one point and looks extra gay. Fred played some ''Somewhere Over the Rainbow'' as they were watching that. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard read an e-mail about Artie and how he was talking about beating the vending machine like you'd beat an insubordinate child. The guy thought that would make Artie a horrible father. Another writer asked Howard how many push-ups Howard could do since Artie was able to do 22 last week. Howard said he never said he could do that many. He does work out but he doesn't challenge anyone to that. Robin said that maybe they should have a challenge where these guys all do that kind of stuff. Howard said he thinks that Fred could compete against him pretty well. He was also saying he could do about 12 pull-ups and no one else in the studio thought they could do it. He said he can climb ropes pretty good too. He said it's not that easy to climb ropes and he has to have knots on the rope.
Howard read some other e-mail about Artie and Robin. There was someone who said it's horrible when they bust Artie's balls about thinking about buying another house like they did last week. Robin said she loves doing that though.
Howard wanted to know if they wanted to go through all of the songs or just skip some. Artie told him to just read off some of them instead. Howard kept playing the songs but kept it short. He played some of Kirk Hammet from Metallica, Tom Morello from Rage Against the Machine, Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits, David Gilmour from Pink Floyd, Brian May from Queen, Ritchie Blackmore from Deep Purple, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Johnson, Jimmy Page, Dimebag Darrel, Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Chuck Berry and more Jimi Hendrix.
Howard didn't care about some of the guys but did go crazy for Jimi Hendrix. All of the guys were talking about how great he was. Howard said he really likes the Led Zeppelin stuff as well. He would spend more time on that stuff while whipping right through some of the other songs on the list.
Howard had already done the top ten from that last week but he went through them once again during this segment. Everyone was still into the list so Howard kept going as he was getting closer to the number one song. He said only the top 5 songs on that list really counted. He went through those top five songs even though they just went through them last week. The top five included Jimi Hendrix, David Gilmour, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Eddie Van Halen and Jimmy Page at number 1.
The guys disagreed who should be at number one on that list. Howard seemed to think that Eddie Van Halen's ''Eruption'' was pretty great so he tried playing it on a guitar he had in the studio. He picked at the instrument but it didn't sound like he was playing guitar. Then he went into a Yes song he knew on the guitar and that wasn't so bad. Artie said if he could learn to play that on guitar, he'd never leave his house.
Artie talked about how he did a sketch on MAD TV called ''Air Guitar Store'' where everyone that came in played air guitar. Joe Walsh did a guest spot on that show and played air guitar for them.
Captain Janks called in a short time later and said he thought Leslie West should have been on that list up pretty high. Howard had Fred play some of his stuff to show how great he was. They went through that and also played some of Beetlejuice's ''Beetle'' song that Richard Christy put together back at K-Rock. Artie got a few laughs out of that.
Yucko the Clown called in and asked if The Who was on there... The Who Gives a Fuck. Howard figured he was tired of that whole thing so he let Yucko go and said he was going to move on. Artie said he saw Lisa out there and she's got some kind of glamour look going on now. She's got that Queen of Mean thing going for her and he thinks it's working for her. Howard wondered if she hired a fashion consultant. Artie said he's pretty sure that didn't happen. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that Robin had picked up on her hair extensions. Lisa thought they matched pretty good but Howard and Robin noticed that right away. Lisa said she's 45 years old now and she has about 5 more years before her vagina closes shop so she's doing what she can now.
Lisa was wearing a fur coat and said she wears that because the blacks like chinchilla fur. Howard said she was wearing some very tight clothes but she didn't seem to think it was that tight. She said she's done with losing weight now because she looks good enough to get a poor white guy. She's dating quite heavily right now. She talked about her last boyfriend who broke up with her.
Lisa claims that she was only dating black guys because that's all she could get. She told Artie that she's attracted to him because they look very similar. The two of them talked about staying down in Vegas this past weekend. Lisa said that they have a pool there just for people who look like them while the good looking people get their own pool.
Howard talked about the place that Lisa and Artie had stayed at because he knew how loud it was. Lisa said she also heard that the girls down there are gold diggers. Lisa said that Howard has changed her life because of something he said about her dating these black guys. She has started to take it slow now.
Howard joked that he and Beth can't even sit by the same pool down in Florida because she's so good looking and he's not. Lisa thinks that Howard has actually gotten hotter looking as time has gone by. Howard asked Lisa about worrying about the stink of her area down there. Lisa said that you take two showers a day and that takes care of it. She said that you have to keep the dirty water from a bath out of there because that can make things worse.
Howard said that there are pictures of Lisa up on his web site for those people who want to see her make over. Howard told her that she's got a nice body. Lisa said she's got nice boobs and a nice cunt as well. She said that her ass isn't so great, it looks like she sat on a gravel driveway. Howard heard that Lisa had moved into the city. She said she did get an apartment in the city but she's got another place up in Connecticut.
Howard asked Lisa if she's ever had an abortion. She laughed and said she's not even sure she can get knocked up. She said that she loves to make out and grind a little and then sends guys home with blue balls. She said she may graze over their balls with her hand but she doesn't do anything with them.
Howard gave Lisa a plug for her Comedy Central special ''Dirty Girl'' which is airing this Sunday night. He also gave her a plug for her web site InsultComic.com where you can find out more about all of that stuff.
Lisa talked about how her parents treated her when she was growing up. She said that they're proud now but they kind of ignored her when she was growing up. Lisa also told Howard that she went out with this ''Spic cop'' in Chicago and it was the best lay she ever had. Howard wondered about her comments and why she was getting so racist. She said she does that because its' funny, she's a comic, not a Senator.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Lisa if she likes anal. She said that she's had guys try that on her but she'll ask the guys to get it out of there. Howard asked her about the shrink she goes to and if it's true that she was told to let go of the black thing and try dating other guys. Lisa said that is what she was told so that's what she's been doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Lisa if she would show Howard her feet. She said they're not that good but she would show Howard. Howard said there are a lot of guys who are into feet. Lisa said she knows that, he's met guys who want her to jerk them off with her feet. Lisa took her shoes off but couldn't believe she was doing that. Howard told her they weren't that bad. Jason had come in to take pictures of her feet and Lisa said that's the kind of guy she could pick up. She was also complaining about Scott the Engineer and a comment he made about her earlier.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he was looking her over on the web site. He said that she should lose the hair and the shoes are too small for her. He also told her to grow her nails out. He was saying that she was great on the Shatner roast as well.
Artie had put on sunglasses at that point so Howard asked him what was going on. Artie said he was trying to get his own look, that's all. Ralph asked Artie if Lisa has inspired him to lose some weight. Artie said he has been inspired and wants to get some hair extensions. Ralph told Artie that he should go out and buy some clothes so he can look good where he's at right now. Lisa said that she had sex with a guy who was 380 pounds and he dressed nice so some fat guys look good.
Artie said he's not out of control like the 380 guy and if he buys the clothes to fit him now, he'll never get out of that fat look. Lisa said it might inspire him to feel better about himself though.
Another caller told Howard that Ralph is a fag and also wondered if Lisa had gotten gastric bypass surgery. Lisa said she didn't have that done, she went on Jenny Craig's weight loss program and lost the weight. She said she's plugged that stuff a lot and they never send her anything free. She talked about being on Adam Carolla's show and also mentioned her Tonight Show appearance with Michael Clark Duncan. She said the guy was so hot and at one point she said something to him. Then she said a joke that had him laughing so hard that he had to run off the stage. She said she dry humped him on stage at the end of the show but she was bummed out that he had to run off. Lisa was just on The Tonight Show this past week and James Woods was on with her. She said that she was cracking a lot of jokes about his big penis that night.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was really attracted to her. He said he's only 5'9'' tall and about 150 pounds but he finds her really attractive. Howard told her he'd get that guy's number for her. Another guy called in after that and asked Lisa to hook up with Artie. Lisa said that Artie would never fuck her because he can get skinny chicks no problem, he's a celebrity.
Bobo called in and asked Lisa if she's ever had a threesome. She said she's talked about that and she can't do it because she'd have to be the funny fat friend in the room, not the hot chick in the middle. Howard asked Lisa about the jokes that Lisa has done about Sharon Stone that she had to dump because she didn't show up. Lisa told Howard some of the jokes she wrote because she wasn't able to do them there at the comedy festival.
Artie said he kind of fucked Lisa over at this comedy thing they did. He said he did some jokes about her and then left the show. Lisa said she did some jokes about him anyway even though he wasn't there. She told Howard some of those jokes and had Artie laughing. Lisa said that a lot of her jokes were cut out of her act for the Shatner roast because they said she had gotten cancer and they didn't want them joking about her.
Scott the Engineer called in from his studio to ask her what her problem was. Howard asked him why he wasn't in there. He told him to come right in. Scott came in and explained what he had said earlier when she was coming into the studio. Lisa thought he was bad mouthing her by saying that being nice to her was no big deal because she was only into ''the blacks.''
Howard asked Lisa if her anger has ever gotten her into trouble with anyone. She said she's never been hit or hit anyone so it hasn't really been a problem. That led to Lisa talking about how she takes Welbutrin to keep her from getting depressed. Artie said he was told that Welbutrin was like an opiate and some guy gave him a bunch of pills one day so he tried them but nothing happened. Lisa told him it's an anti-depressant so of course that didn't work. Artie said the next day he was at the airport talking to people that he didn't know and was acting all nice.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has switched over from XM to SIRIUS since Howard made his move. He said he doesn't believe the XM numbers at all because he knows of so many people who have switched over. The guy said he just dropped his subscription when it ended and he doesn't think they subtract those numbers from their subscriber numbers. The guy wouldn't stop talking but he was very positive about the show so Howard let him go on a little long. After he hung up the guys goofed on him about being an awful caller.
Another caller told Howard that Lisa is not sexy at all and he threw his breakfast on the ground this morning after hearing her on the air.
Dominic Barbara was calling in to talk about the Oprah show that they were talking about earlier. He said that Oprah is guilty of child abuse after what she did on that show with that kidnapped child. He said it's despicable what she did on that show. Howard thanked him for the call but Dominic asked him what would have happened if he had done that same thing. Howard said they would have been all over him. Howard goofed on Dominic a little bit after that and did an impression of him.
Howard asked Lisa what comedienne can't take a joke. Lisa went off on Sandra Bernhard saying that she had heard about her bad mouthing her on Howard's show and she couldn't figure out why that was. She said she was doing this roast of Jerry Lewis and Sandra was on stage so she threw in some nice jokes about her. She said all Sandra did was give her the finger the whole time she was joking about her. She said she still doesn't know why she doesn't like her.
Lisa said that another one who sucked was Bea Arthur. She said she left the Shatner Roast before it was over. She said Betty White was a great sport and took all of the jokes that she threw at her.
Howard said that Eddie the Produce guy was on the phone and wanted to bang Lisa. Howard told Lisa that he's a Hispanic guy who has a black penis. Lisa said she met him at one of the roasts there. Howard told Eddie to get down there as soon as he could and maybe he could bang her. That led to Lisa talking about what she likes to do with guys and the kind of penis she likes to deal with.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy asked Lisa if she's been with any famous black guys. Lisa said that she had one hit on her but she's never had sex with a famous black guy. She said that this Ultimate Fighter guy Bob Sapp was hitting on her one night.
Howard wrapped up with Lisa, gave her some plugs for all of the stuff she's got going on and got ready to go to break Artie mentioned that he didn't know that Lisa had gone to Harvard. Lisa said she went to school for journalism and did that for 13 years before getting into comedy.
Artie said he talked to Jim about his girlfriend extensively and he's doing alright. Steve said that they have a story about Beth O working for the Extra TV show. Howard said he heard that she's doing an interview with John Bon Jovi this week. Artie asked him if he's jealous of that at all. Howard said he worries about everything and he would never leave the two of them alone.
Steve mentioned that the Howard TV people are looking for a Miss Howard TV and women in the New York Area. Howard heard that Ned from Bubba's show is doing his own radio show tonight on Howard 101. He said that Ned was acting very odd down at Bubba's wedding. He said he kept trying to take his picture the whole time he was there at the wedding.
Howard took a call from a guy who was on another phone talking to someone else. Howard listened to that guy for a short time as he discussed something that they were trying to figure out. The guy was asking if something was going to have a coating on the back and if it was going to filter out the particles. Robin wasn't paying that much attention to it. Artie was trying to figure out what he could possibly be talking about by putting it all together. The guy was still talking on the other line and talking about 1 micron sized particles and having only a 5 percent penetration.
The guys all listened to the conversation the guy was having and none of them had a clue about what he was talking about. Howard said the guy sounds like a very smart dude. He then figured that the guy was probably on the phone with Jackie the Joke Man making up one of his dopey joke machines.
Some of the guys figured that the guy was talking about a haz-mat suit or something. The guy got off the other line so Howard started yelling out his name trying to get him to pick up. Howard eventually got George on the line and said he was going to try out his psychic abilities. He said he doesn't know this guy and then asked him if he's been thinking about particles recently. George said he had and started to laugh when he realized that they had heard the conversation he just had.
Howard asked him about the microns, the polypropylene and other stuff. He then asked him what he was talking about on the phone. The guy said they deal in Haz-Mat suits so it turns out Robin was correct when she said that's what she thought he was talking about. The reason this guy was calling in was to try and adopt that dog David they mentioned earlier in the show. Howard told him to call the North Shore Animal League and try to make that adoption happen.
The caller was saying that one of his buddies had something to do with putting money up for his movie. Artie said that was cool but Howard hung up on him before they got any further into that.
Artie did his impression of Jon Hein giving his show preview and delivered his lines the way Jon does. Howard got a laugh out of that. Jon wasn't sure he should even bother with his rundown after Artie got two of his four stories wrong. Jon went into his show preview and it was very similar to what Artie had just done. Jon went through some of the other stuff that they were going to cover on today's Wrap Up Show. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard also mentioned that Art Buchwald had died over the weekend. He said he felt really sad about that because he'd just gotten a letter from him recently. He said that Art took himself off of Dialysis about a year ago because he just wanted to die a peaceful death. It turns out he lived for over a year without the dialysis going on. Howard said he was a good guy and he respected him very much.
Howard also talked about the death of Denny Dougherty who played for the Mamas and the Papas. He gave him a quick eulogy even though the guy didn't seem to be much of a fan of his. Howard played some of their music while talking about him.
Artie said that after hearing that Mamas and the Papas song he realized that the White Stripes have a song that sounds very much like that song. He asked Fred to find that song so he searched his computer for the song ''It's True That We Love One Another.''
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said that the song that Artie was trying to create for Howard has been in the works for months now. He said that he put in a lot of time into the music for him and Artie has been blowing it off or a while now. Artie took all the blame for not getting it done.
Fred played a quick clip of the White Stripes song and Howard said it was a little similar to the Mamas and the Papas song. Howard had Robin get back to her news a short time later.
Howard and Artie got back to goofing on Sylvia Browne during the news. Artie as also goofing on Scott DePace about his thoughts about what's been going on with the President lately. Ralph called in and said that he can't believe how blind Scott is to what a boob President Bush has been about so many things. The two of them went back and forth for a few seconds but didn't spend too much time on that.
Howard was also asking Scott about how much time he spends playing video games. He asked him how long he took creating his character in Tiger Woods Golf for his Xbox. Scott said he did that and tried to make his character look like Howard. He didn't say exactly how much time he spent on that though.
Robin finsihed up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show talking about the show that Ned from Bubba the Love Sponge's show did last night. He had some clips to listen to this morning. Robin got in an apology for some things she was saying yesterday about whether or not Bill Clinton could be Vice President. She found out that he could not become President again because he's not eligible to run. She said he can only be in office twice. The guys went through that and then Howard said that Artie really gave it to them on the Wrap Up Show yesterday.
Robin heard Artie yelling at them on that Wrap Up Show and said that she doesn't think that he's a boob like he thought she did. Howard said he almost made the same mistake that Artie was going to make about buying a new house. Howard played the audio of Artie freaking out on both he and Robin about the way they were picking on him when he said he was thinking about buying a house. He called them a couple of ''therapy self righteous pricks'' in that clip.
Howard said Artie interprets them giving him some advice as them picking on him. He started to get into it with Artie again and Artie started eating and asking him to lay off that subject. Artie said he's going to keep his apartment and not sell it. Robin said he explained it to her better off the air so she now understands it. Artie said he's looking to buy a house because his apartment is too small for him. He wants to rent out his apartment and keep it.
Howard said Artie doesn't want to be a landlord. Artie said he's not going to handle that stuff, someone else would handle it. Howard said that person is going to come to him and bother him when that stuff isn't working. Artie told Howard to stop with that stuff because he's not going to be working there anymore if this keeps up.
Howard asked him why he would hold onto that apartment. Artie said it's an investment and when they build that Freedom Tower, his apartment will have a perfect view of it. He thinks that'll make it worth even more. Artie said that Howard stares at a chess board and other people want to stare at the Freedom Tower.
Howard said that this move is going to cause Artie some problems if he keeps the apartment. Artie said it's just one apartment and he's fine with that. Howard asked him if he wants to be a landlord. Artie said he wanted to strangle Howard after all of this. He said Howard sounds like an annoying old fuck. Howard said he's going to try to set someone off each morning from now on.
Howard said he finds it surprising that Artie is so annoyed when he asks him about being a landlord. Artie said he didn't plan on being a landlord but it's not going to be forever. Fred said that Artie might be overreacting to this conversation. The two of them ganged up on Artie and told him that if he's the landlord, he's going to be getting phone calls from his tenants.
Howard said he knows that Artie is going to blow his stack when the people have a dog in the apartment or something. Artie said he's not going to allow kids or dogs in there when he rents it out. Artie was still pissed and talking about how he wanted to check out the web site HowardsADick.com after Howard mentioned a phony web site called ArtiesWrong.com.
Howard said if you bring something up on the air, you have to expect it to be discussed. He said Artie seems like he's on the rag or something. They ended up getting into a betting discussion but Howard interrupted that and said that Artie is very irritable and maybe that's because he's gone too long without pussy. He said he needs some emergency pussy. Artie said if there is such a thing, they should bring it in.
Howard told Artie to remember this and if in 5 years he's right, he should let him know. Jessica Hahn called in and said that Howard is being rough on Artie. She said he's talking down to Artie and it's not right. Artie thanked her for that.
Artie said the whole reason he wants to do this is because he's got so much shit he needs to store. Howard told him to get a storage bin, that's what he does. Artie said he holds onto all of his jokes and keeps those in piles like Jackie does. He was just kidding but said he keeps all kinds of stuff that he's collected over the years. Howard said he can't imagine what he needs all that room for. Artie said he needs more room for himself too... for himself and all of his shirts.
Howard said that people just have the inability to throw stuff out and they wouldn't need the room if they just threw out stuff they don't use. Jessica tried defending Artie more but she also said she's not thrilled with him because he kind of blew her off out in Los Angeles. Artie said that's not true and he never said he didn't want a hand job from her.
Artie asked Jessica if she can get into the Playboy mansion at any time. Howard said they had to evict her from that place, of course she can't get back in there. Jessica said she could go there but that has nothing to do with Artie blowing her off. Howard let her go a short time later.
Artie got into the whole RobinsWrong.com web site and how he knows that Robin is mad about it but she won't admit to it. They talked about that on the Wrap Up Show yesterday as well. Robin doesn't understand why Artie gets pissed off at her about that whole thing. Artie said he's not mad, he was just pointing out how she sounded mad on the show but didn't admit that she was.
Howard had another audio clip from the Wrap Up Show where Ralph called in to defend Robin but ended up turning on her. Howard played that clip and Ralph says that Robin isn't a news woman and she shouldn't be held accountable for the minor mistakes she makes. He said she just sits there and reads. Then he went off on her for some of the mistakes she did make.
Howard wondered what that was all about. He said Gary also tried to defend him during the show. Gary slipped and had a bit of a Freudian slip when he said something about Beth being a great actress if she's actually in love with Howard.
Howard said it would be great if Ralph ended up being Artie's tenant. He did an impression of Ralph telling Artie he can't come up with the rent and saying that he doesn't need the money.
Eric said he was in Vegas last week and got to meet Criss Angel and Jason Herbie. He also went to Crazy Girls. Howard said Eric's whole thing is trying to meet famous people. He used to try to meet chicks but now he's trying to meet dudes. Eric was impressed with Criss Angel's trick where he pulls a playing card from a cigar. He also told Artie that he's living at the Luxor so he may see him out there when he does his comedy show. Howard thanked Eric for his call and hung up on him. He had other things to do.
Robin was telling Howard that she wants to take a break from the show like Artie did back in 2005 when he was on heroin. She said she'd like some unscheduled time off once in a while.
Howard said that Tom Jones left him a message recently. He played the message where Tom congratulated Howard on his move to satellite and said he'd like to come in sometime. Howard said that they're actually putting together a music special for Howard 100 and they've been calling a bunch of these people to talk about their experiences. Gary said that Tom also talked about how he got to hug Robin and felt her boobs rubbing up against him. That will be part of the music special.
Howard moved on to some prank calls that Sal and Richard made. They called into a chess show to goof on the host. Richard got through and told the woman that he kept knocking over his pieces with his boner. Then Sal called in doing his lame black guy impression and asked if the woman ever puts the king piece in her pussy. He calls back and says he wants to put his cock in her... and gets cut off. Richard calls in and says he's got his fist up his ass. Sal calls back again and says he wants to put his finger in her asshole. Richard calls in and says he loves the show and plays chess with his grandson. He keeps asking dumb questions until they hang up on him. Sal then calls back again as Muhammad and says he wants to blow up her pussy.
Howard said Sal called some black women and kept calling to find some women to have phone sex with him. He calls it ''ghetto fishing.'' Howard played that call where Sal finds a woman to have phone sex with him. The woman tells him that she's too expensive for him. The next woman hangs up on him as well. The third woman tells him to kiss her black ass. Sal keeps calling women and finds one who plays along with him. She let him talk dirty to her for a short time.
Howard played a song that the guys put together using clips of Gilbert Gottfried singing a song on the show recently. Howard said when he was working on ''Son of the Beach'' he asked Gilbert to go into a room and just keep singing. They shot the scene but they had to cut it down because he was the only one laughing at it. That led to him talking about how they did one great show where they had Osama Bin Laden on the show.
Robin mentioned that Tim Stack was on ''My Name is Earl'' playing his character Notch Johnson from ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard said that's because Tim is working as a writer on that show and wrote himself into it. Howard said he got a copy of the show but he hasn't seen it yet.
Howard got back to Artie's whole new home thing and said he's going to end up like Jackie. Artie aids he really just needs a new kitchen for his food. Howard said that's the first thing he's said that makes sense. Robin said Artie is going to have to find out how the food is in the area where he moves to. Artie said that is important to him. Robin said most people look for good schools, Artie is looking for good restaurants.
King of All Blacks called in and told him that he had to tell him how good his interview with Ol' Dirty Bastard was. He saw it on TV somewhere and talked about how funny that was. Howard talked about that interview and how that all went down. King also asked Howard who he thinks is the hottest news anchor is in New York. Howard said it's this woman Liz Cho who works for ABC news. King said that's not right. He said there's another woman by the name of Darlene Rodriguez who he likes.
King asked Howard when he gets married, can he come to the wedding because he promised he could. Howard said that was a long time ago and he probably won't invite him. Howard ended up talking about how bad divorce is for some guys and how the hardest hit are fire men, police and guys like that. They get hit really bad when they get divorced. King thought that Howard was thinking of moving ahead with his marriage but Howard said he'd be open to it but he's not planning anything right now.
King asked Howard how he keeps his relationship fresh. Howard didn't want to answer that. King asked him if he would rather be bald or blind. Howard said he'd rather be bald of course. King was going through a lot of questions and not answering them. King also asked Howard what kind of cars he's got. He said he's got an Audi (A8) and a Mercedes truck. King said he thought he flooded his car out and ruined it. Howard said that did happen but he had a new motor put in it. It was covered by his insurance. King laughed at him when he heard that.
Howard said he loves that Audi and didn't want to get rid of it. He said his buddy Wayne Segal told him the car was still good, it just needed a new engine. Howard didn't understand what king wanted him to do, go out and buy a new car each time? King said he understands that.
King said that he knows that cars aren't a bit thing in Howard's life. He asked him what his biggest materialistic things are in his life. Howard said it would be his home. He likes living in a nice place. He doesn't have a lot of needs other than that. King asked him how big his apartment is and how many floors are in there. Howard told him it's a big apartment and described some of what he'd see if he walked in.
Howard said there's a foyer when you walk into the apartment. King interrupted and asked him if there's a chandelier in there. Howard said it's just a regular light bulb. He's got a small bathroom or a powder room when you walk in. It's got a glass floor, like a shiny looking floor. There's a prison toilet in there which is made of stainless steel. He said that was a mistake because it's tough to find a seat for it.
Artie told King that the most extravagant thing that Howard does is take a limo when he goes out. Other than that he doesn't have a lot of flashy stuff. King mentioned that Howard has a house out in the Hamptons though so that's pretty extravagant.
Artie got back into his new home search for a short time but King asked Howard more about his apartment. Howard said that on one side is a dining room that was turned into an office. There's a living room and a kitchen and a bedroom of course. There are also two small bedrooms for his daughters and one of them is used for Beth's office as well. He said that's all there is to it but King found that hard to believe. He said he knows he's a modest guy but he wants to know what kind of kitchen it is. He asked if there's an island in the kitchen or anything. Howard said it's actually a very small kitchen and only one person can stand in there at one time.
Howard said he can't go to a Co-op because they won't accept him. They think that he's like Tommy Lee or something like that. Howard said he's actually a model citizen and he's the one who complains about noise in the building. The Co-op boards look at him as if he's going to be a problem. He said he won't even apply because he's not going to allow someone to reject him. He said they have some nice Co-op apartments but he's not going to go through that.
Howard told a story about how he's the only person that real estate agents know as being rejected from a condo. Howard said this guy who owned 51 percent of this building refused to rent him the condo. Howard said that's the kind of stuff he has to put up with.
King said that being black is tough too and he doesn't want to live in neighborhoods where other blacks live. He said when you buy a piece of property, you have to keep in mind that you have to sell it some day. Howard and King talked about that for a short time. Howard said people in his neighborhood probably thought about selling when he moved into the neighborhood. King said he's quiet and doesn't cause any trouble so they love him. They also love Howard's show so they know he's not going to be a problem.
King said he really wants to see Howard's apartment. Artie told him it's a really nice apartment and he may know more about it thane even he does because he's been there and didn't know everything that Howard told him. Howard let King go a short time later.
Artie asked Robin if she's ever had a weird experience with a real estate agent. Howard said she did and he was with her at the time. He told Artie about how they went to look at some places and they were showing her some awful stuff. They weren't bringing her to nice places that she could afford. Robin said that Howard asked the agent if they were showing her that stuff because she was black. Howard said he called the agent and she said she couldn't legally comment on that line of questioning. Robin said they were able to find someone else who handled things for her.
Howard said that they weren't all that famous yet and they were being treated like regular people. That treatment was pretty shitty. That led to Howard talking about how he was shown a house out in Roslyn at one time and when he was looking at it, he noticed that there was a black family living there. He said he didn't end up buying it but he should have. He said he really couldn't afford it at the time.
Another caller asked Howard about his love for Fred and if he thinks that's why Artie gets so upset with him. He said that maybe Artie is upset that Howard doesn't just leave him alone like he does to Fred. Howard said Artie seems to resent him when he tries to help him out with anything. Artie said he doesn't get irate with Howard all that often.
The caller was telling Artie not to buy a house to move to, he should buy a house to have as a vacation house out in the Hamptons or something.
Gary came in with a breaking story. He had recorded his call with Sal who had called in from Penn Station. Sal was vomiting in a garbage pail on the platform near the train. Sal then told Gary that he'd just farted and shit himself. Gary said Sal didn't know he was being recorded at the time. Howard laughed and said he sounds like a mess. Artie told Sal to stay home and not come in and get anyone else sick. Howard and Artie goofed on Sal about the way he sounded in that call.
Howard took another call from a guy who said Artie looked kind of weird in the Howard TV special about Bubba's wedding. He asked Artie what was up with the bathing suit he was wearing. Artie said he picked it up in the gift shop that was there at the hotel. The caller said he thought Howard was kidding about Artie wearing his shoes and socks to the pool.
Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver wears his socks at the pool too. He wears dark socks and black shoes to the pool and looks like a Grandpa out there. The Howard TV guys showed a shot of that so Robin could see it. Richard told Howard that Artie didn't take his tightie whiteys off when he wore the bathing suit. He said he saw that when they were out on their wave runner. Artie said he had Richard on the back of his wave runner and he warned Richard not to get a boner when he was holding on to him.
Howard asked Richard if he got a boner. Richard said he tried but he wasn't able to do it. Howard said he should have cum on Artie's back. Artie said he can't even think about that. Artie said Richard was fucking around and saying that it was feeling good but he told him not to do anything because there were no cameras around or anything. It was too creepy.
Howard took a call from Bob ''Wolfie'' Wolf who was in last week with an Artie game. He asked Artie if he ever eats while sitting on the toilet. Artie said he can't do that because he really scheeves that shit. He said he might drink something. He said he has done that with a Jack and water in his hand. Howard had to go to break after that. He ended up talking about some of the stuff they had coming up. He also mentioned that they have this Beetlejuice special up on Howard TV this month and that's supposed to be good. Howard also mentioned the Stupid Bowl show that they have set up for Super Bowl weekend. After that he went to break.
Howard had Lisa G come in to do her Howard 100 News preview. After that they were going to play a game with a couple of people. Artie was still singing along to the Ozzy song so Howard said he heard that Sharon and Kelly Osbourne were supposedly going to do Dancing with the Stars but they backed out. They ended up with people like Ian Ziering. That led to them talking about that show and about this cop show where a bunch of celebrities try to be cops. They apparently get paid $60,000 per episode to do that show.
Howard read a list of the people who have been chosen for the latest Dancing with the Stars. He read the notes about Ian Ziering and they credit him with his appearance on ''Son of the Beach'' as one of the few things he's done since Beverly Hills 90210. Howard said he'd like to see Judge Judy and Madonna's husband Guy Ritchie on that show.
Howard said he saw a gay magazine at his gym and the big question on the cover was ''Is the Pope Gay?'' He said he's apparently got a very handsome younger man who travels with him all the time so now people are questioning if he's gay or not. Howard goofed on him for a short time doing an impression of him for a short time.
Howard asked Lisa G to do her news preview. She mentioned that he's on PerezHilton.com because they had some pictures from the comedy festival that he did over the weekend. Lisa told Artie about what was going on there and how big that news was. Howard saw the picture and said that Artie has gotten so fat that he can rest his microphone on his belly. They talked about how John Pinette can do the same thing and that's the way he does his act. Howard thought it was kind of cool that Artie could do it.
Howard had Artie resting his cup on his big belly and Lisa was shaking her had as if she was horrified by it. She said she just wants Artie to be healthy. She also said he's got a cumber bun made of blubber there. Howard asked Lisa what else she's got. She said that there's a billboard advertising his appearance in Atlantic City and the picture they use on the billboard is out of date. It's the thin Artie, not the 296 pound Artie. Artie said they sold that show out in 20 minutes so they're adding another date. It's 2500 seats and it sold out that quick.
Lisa said they got some faxes and rambling phone messages from Ivy Supersonic who has been complaining about being robbed of money she was going to use for pussy surgery. Howard said she's always got some problem. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard asked Michelle what she was wearing. She was nude and said she's going to be 40 years old in June. Howard asked her if she's in good shape. She said she's 5'8'' and weighs about 135 pounds. She's had a couple of kids but they're grown and out of the house.
Michelle and Mike were in their bedroom and ready to play this game. They were going to do the air blowing thing and Howard and the guys were going to have to figure out which hole the air was coming out of. Howard had Michelle describe herself to him and then described what she was going to be doing.
Michelle said that she won't even know which hole she's having the air blown into. Howard said that maybe they should bet each other with this stuff once they hear what's going on. He had Michelle demonstrate. Mike went down on her, blew some air in there and she blew it right back out. Robin guessed that it was the vagina. Artie said that he's going with Robin since she's the only one with a vagina in the room. Fred went with Vagina as well. Michelle said it was the vagina. Howard had guessed it was the butt.
Mike went down on her again and blew some of that are in there. When Howard heard the air blow out, he knew it was the asshole. He said it sounded like she shit the bed. He had him blow it in there again and he knew it was ass again. Mike said they have had accidents before. He said that a ''tiny little nug'' came out. He said it didn't hit his face or anything.
Howard had Mike go down on her once again. He wondered if they play it for hours at a time. Mike said that he just plays it once in a while when they're messing around. He blew some more air into Michelle and Howard was able to identify it.
Howard asked Mike if Michelle likes it when he eats her ass. He said she does like that kind of stuff. Howard asked Mike to crack his penis like he said he could. Mike didn't have a boner at the time because he was too nervous so he couldn't do it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Mike if he knows he could kill Michelle by doing this. Mike said he's not blowing a lot of air in there, it's just a little. He said it's just a mouthful, not enough to kill her. Howard said his great grandmother died this way, his great grandfather was blowing air into her.
Howard took some more calls and then had Mike do some more ass air blowing. Mike decided to blow into both holes at once. He went down and did that and Michelle blew a couple of nasty sounding queefs and farts. Mike said he primes the hole with his tongue and then blows in a tiny bit of air. He said she tries to hold it in but she laughs and it comes out quickly.
Howard said he thinks that Sal and Richard would do that. Richard came in and said he would let it be done to him but Sal is dirty down there. Mike asked Richard to stop doing the gay stuff with Sal. He's really bothered by that.
Howard asked Mike to do one more blast. He went down, did his thing and then started laughing his ass off when Michelle blew that out. He said that was her asshole that he had just done. Howard asked Mike if they would come down and do this live in the studio. He said that Michelle probably wouldn't want to do it. Howard said they could create a whole game show out of this.
Howard thanked Mike and Michelle for calling in and tried to let them go a short time later. Mike was very high strung. Howard figured he was high. He had Mike put Michelle back on the line so he could talk to her. Michelle said they were practicing last night to make sure they could do this today. She said that she has no problem letting Mike do this stuff because they've known each other for so many years. She said she loves when Mike puts his tongue up her ass. Richard said that some women are able to have ''assgasms.'' Michelle said she doesn't have that. Howard let her go a short time later. Mike tried to blast a fart as he was getting off the phone but Howard said that would be gay if they listened to him farting.
Benjy noticed some weird stuff going on down there. He blew in some air and then Richard farted. Howard missed it so he told him to do it again. Benjy went in and did it again. Richard tried farting but he was struggling with it. Richard said he can feel the air going in when Benjy blows it in there.
Richard said he had a bubble of air stuck inside and he was trying to get it out. Benjy said he could see Richard's rectum opening up when he did it. He was also saying that Richard smells like the jerk off booths that guys go to.
Richard tried again but still wasn't able to fart. Howard told him to give up. Benjy let out a yell when the straw came out brown. He was freaking out yelling and saying ''Oh my god!'' over and over. Benjy said he had a piece of shit in his ass.
Captain Janks called in and started gagging when he was listening. He said he was out on the porch listening and threw up on his shirt. Artie said he had to get out of there because he was so grossed out. He was ready to walk out because he was trying to eat. Janks said that was the most disgusting thing he's ever heard on the show.
Another caller said that he had to cancel his subscription after this. Howard said it was actually very funny to see though. Benjy thought it was fun until the straw came out. Gary told Howard that Richard was out in the hall retching for some reason. Howard figures someone put the straw in his mouth.
Richard said it was really gross but he was still holding his straw so Howard told him to throw it away and move on with his life. Richard threw it away so the guys told him to wash his hands. Richard almost walked out of the bathroom without doing that. They told him to go wash in the other bathroom.
Howard said he wouldn't let people blow air into his asshole. The guys were goofing on Richard as he was walking to the other bathroom. Artie told him to go to the gay channel and have them smell his fingers. He eventually washed his hands and got all clean. He said he had forgotten to do that until they reminded him about it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he's going to have Richard come in and collapse so he can tell beet to call 911. Howard said he could also tell him that he's got a direct link to Osama bin Laden and have him yell at him. Howard said they'll get it started with Beet and see if everyone can give out the phony call thing with him. They have all kinds of objects that they're going to try with Beet to see if he will talk to it as if it were a phone.
Artie put on his shades again for the second day in a row. Artie said he's been inspired by Howard and went out and bought a $9 pair of shades to wear. Howard had Beetlejuice come in after that.
Beetlejuice has a new DVD out called ''Beetlejuice, Bad As Can.'' Howard gave him some plugs as Beet was walking in but Beet was in a foul mood today. He told Howard he's tired of everything and he doesn't care. He said he's going to leave because he's do tired of this stuff. Robin figured he saw Richard put that straw up his ass. Beetlejuice was in a really bad mood so he was telling Howard ''Goo fo you, goo fo you...''
Beetlejuice hadn't smoked any weed and didn't have anything to drink so that might be why he was in such a foul mood. Beet was on the verge of crying so Howard tried to cheer him up. Howard said he had a phone call for him but when he asked Beet to talk to the person, he said he wasn't going to talk to anyone. He refused to take the phone and Howard's idea to fool him didn't work either.
Howard asked Gary if he was in a bad mood when he was out in the green room. Gary said he was in a bad mood but sometimes he changes and rallies for the show. Howard asked Beet to talk to a hot chick on his sponge phone but Beet wasn't into any of this. He refused to take the phone. Howard asked him about how he was back at home with his mother. Something happened where Sean is no longer able to take care of him or something. Beetlejuice didn't even want to talk to Sean (Howard on his fake phone).
Artie tried asking Beetlejuice what his problem was but he wasn't talking about anything. Beet said he's ready to give up show business and didn't care if they promoted his DVD or not. Howard told Beet he had the President of show business on the phone but Beet didn't want to take that call either.
Howard had a clip from Beet's new DVD so he played that to try and help him promote it. Beetlejuice was singing along to a song in the clip he played. Howard asked Gary if he was in a bad mood from the start. Gary said he apparently slept in the limo and they woke him up on the way there as they got closer. Then he got there and was in a foul mood.
Beetlejuice said that he might go home and kill himself. Howard asked him to be serious and hoped he was kidding about hurting himself. Howard was worried that he was really going to hurt himself. Gary said they had a hot chick for him too. Robin said that hot chick might not be the best thing for him right now. Artie said that Beet has been down before but not like this.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he'd do what he could to help him. Beetle said he really doesn't care. Artie asked him if it was his sunglasses that were getting him down. Beet just said he doesn't care about anything today. Howard played another clip of Beet singing along to a Frank Sinatra song. He seemed to be making the lyrics up as he went along but actually got some of them right.
Howard asked if Beetle came there with anyone because he didn't want to let him go. Gary said there were two guys there with him. One of the guys, Jason, said that Beet was in a good mood before he napped, then he was in this awful mood. Howard said he didn't want to keep him there if he was in a bad mood. He asked him if he wanted to stay or leave. Beet wanted to get out of there so Howard asked the guys to keep an eye on him.
Howard told Beet he has to think of his mother and sister and not do anything to hurt himself today. Beetlejuice didn't care about any of that stuff and he did feel like hurting himself. Howard told him to go home and rest. Howard told Beet that he loves him. Beet told him he'll be fine as he was getting ready to leave. Then he said he may not ever come back to visit.
Howard said that Beetlejuice is the man. Beet said that the good times are no more so the guys told him to just get through this and he'll be fine. Beet said he doesn't think they will. Howard asked Beet what the best time he's ever had was. Beet didn't remember so Howard told him about the times he was fucking some chicks. Fred played some sad music (REM's ''Everybody Hurts'') in the background as they were talking to him. Beet didn't remember any of the good times. He kept saying ''I don't know... I don't remember'' when they'd bring stuff up.
Howard said this isn't the Beetle he knows. He asked Beet if there's something wrong with Sean. Beet didn't know about that either. Howard told him that he saved Sean's life when he called 911. Artie asked Beet if he wanted some money. Beet said ''No thanks'' to that. Artie wanted Beet to stop talking about hurting himself. Howard was going to turn Beet over to the guys he was with and let him go. Howard told him that Will was going to help him out.
Howard told Beet he loves him and Beet thanked him for that. Artie and Robin also told him they love him as well. They said he has friends and asked him to call the show tomorrow. Beet said he'd think about that. Howard showed Beet a picture of him smiling. Beet wasn't into that. Howard let him go and said they need to keep an eye on him. Howard gave him another plug for his DVD and for JollyDwarf.com. The guys said they've never seen him so down before.
Howard asked Lisa G to leave Beet alone but she was trying to interview him out in the hall. He apparently ripped the mic out of her hand. Howard said he was apparently fine until after his nap in the car. He said he hopes he's alright. This is the most depressing time of the year according to experts. Robin said that tomorrow is supposed to be the worst day of the year for a lot of people.
Howard was going to take a break but they had to wake Artie up first. The guy said it looked like he was sleeping during that segment. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had some Gary Garver interviews to play. The first interview was with Joe Pesci who he saw out at a golf outing. Joe always plays along with him but he was kind of upset that he had generic questions for him. Joe said he didn't even have his name on the list so he wasn't prepared. Gary asked him if he's got a favorite porn star. Joe said that when he was young the porn stuff turned him on but now that he's older it turns him off. He said the girls that are in it just turn him off. Howard said he finds that hard to believe.
Gary asked Joe why Jennifer Aniston can't hold onto a man. Joe thought that was nonsense. Gary asked him how heavy the fattest chick was he ever slept with. Joe thought and couldn't come up with anything. He said it was probably when he was about 17 he was with a chick who weighed about 250 pounds at a bachelor party. He said he didn't care at that age. Gary asked him if he plans on playing golf with OJ at all. Joe said he doesn't plan on it but he never knows. Gary asked Joe to say a few things about Howard's first anniversary at SIRIUS. Joe had some nice things to say about him but he's hoping that he settles down some day. Howard thought that interview was really good.
Howard had another interview that Garver tried to do with Jerome Bettis. Gary asked him who the modern day Bob Hope is. Jerome said that Bob was an icon and it's hard to say. He was also asked about the war in Iraq and answered that question. Then Gary asked him how heavy the fattest chick was that he ever slept with. Jerome left when he heard that one.
Howard said Gary got an interview with Michael Bolton. Garver asked him why he avoids Howard Stern. Michael said he's never been invited on the show but he thinks he's funny as hell. He said there wouldn't be much in it for him if he did do the show. Garver asked him if his penis should be in the penis hall of fame. Michael said Howard would know that so maybe he should ask him. He laughed and walked away.
Garver went to another event and got an interview with Sydney Portier. Garver asked him a question about Lindsay Lohan and he thought that was an inappropriate question. Garver then asked him what his chess ranking is. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of that.
Next up was an actor by the name of Glen Terman. He's on HBO's ''The Wire.'' Garver asked him if he's doing anything to help the environment. Glen gave a quick answer and then Garver asked him a question about spending time at this event he was at while there are starving children in the world. The guy got irritated and started to stutter as he was talking to Garver.
Howard said they have some big news there at SIRIUS. He said that Jaime Foxx is launching a new channel there at SIRIUS and it's going to be called Foxx Hole. He'll have all kinds of urban talk and comedy on the channel. Howard read the press release about the channel and spent a short time on that. The channel launches this spring on SIRIUS channel 106.
Howard said he's still worried about Beetlejuice. He said he's heard that Beet wanders out of the house at night and it's gotten so crazy that he had to move back home with his mother. He's got two guys with him today so he should be okay.
Howard heard a noise coming from Artie like he was wheezing. Fred said he was looking around when he heard that noise and realized it was Artie. Howard asked if the guys had an iso mic on him so they could replay the noise he just made.
Howard replayed the prank call that Richard and Sal made to a chess show. He had played that earlier in the morning. Howard said chess has to be livened up a little bit and they seemed to have done a good job at that.
Howard said he got a positive e-mail and that surprised him. The writer liked the way he was doing impressions of his parents on his megaphone. There was also an e-mail about Ronnie the Limo Driver who has gotten to be annoying on the show lately. The writer said that he makes no sense and Wendy the Retard makes more sense than he does. That led to Fred playing some Ronnie audio clips.
Gary said that they do have a clip of Artie wheezing. Howard played the clip and Artie couldn't believe that came from him. The sound was insanely long and loud coming from him. Artie said it sounds like he's near death. He said that may have been his wake-up call to lose some weight.
Howard took a call from a guy who weighs over 600 pounds. Artie said that's double the size of him. The guy said that it's going to catch up with him eventually and he'd better work on it now before it gets out of hand. The guy said that the wheezing is just a sign of things to come. The guy, Tiny, said that he's been trying to lose weight and he got down below 600 after going into the hospital. He was a truck driver and now he has to use a walker. He's only 46 years old, not too far from Artie's 39.
Howard asked Tiny if he can wipe his ass. Tiny said he can do it but it does take some extra effort. He said he has some trade secrets he uses. He said he has to lay down to get back there. Howard said that must be disgusting. Tiny said it is but it beats walking around with poop up his butt. Howard can't imagine having to lay on his side to wipe his ass. Artie said he would take his own life before that would happen.
Howard said that the first wads of toilet paper must be full of shit. Tiny said it's not that bad. Tiny said he puts the toilet paper in the toilet but he has to put it on this ''little thing'' that's near his bed before it goes in the toilet. He said it's a little metal tray that he uses. He said it's all wrapped up good before he takes it to the bathroom.
Howard wanted to video tape this guy wiping himself because it could scare some people into losing weight. Howard wondered if he ever falls asleep when he's wiping himself. Tiny said he's never done that. He always takes care of business before doing that. Artie said that this guy takes care of himself but there are probably people out there who just shit themselves and don't care.
Tiny said that he can get around and he is able to shower even though the shower is very small. The guy claimed that he only has a bagel in the morning and a small lunch. Howard said he's got to be full of shit and he's got to be eating more than that. Tiny said he's losing weight now so that's all he's eating. Tiny said when he was driving a truck he'd eat anything he could.
Tiny said he's not as bad as Artie when it comes to that stuff. He said he was near 700 pounds back in September. Artie said he just wouldn't eat as much if he had to go through that wiping stuff like Tiny does. Howard asked him about having sex and how he does that. Tiny said it's more trouble than it's worth. He said the woman has to get on top of him. Howard said that might be why Artie isn't having sex. Artie said he doesn't have trouble walking around and wiping himself though. Howard let Tiny go after that. Tiny wished Artie luck with his weight loss. They told him to keep in touch to let Artie know that he has to lose weight.
Howard got back to e-mail and read some stuff about Robin's craziness returning. He said she's taking a lot of shit about that. There's also a lot of negative stuff about Scott DePace. He read through a bunch of those and then had Steve Langford come in.
Steve said that there's CraigsList listing for a casting call for Artie Lange look-alikes for a Blue Iris movie. He also said that Artie has made it into the NY Times crossword puzzle as of today. He is number 35 down listed as ''Howard Stern Sidekick Lange.'' Steve also mentioned that they have a story about Bubba's new fight ring that they've created in his studio. He got in a plug for tonight's Jackie's Joke Hunt show.
Howard took a call from Jackie's sidekick Ian who wanted to comment on Artie. He said that Artie seems to be getting caught up in this whole Jackie chair thing and now he's buying multiple houses, doing drugs... what's next, is he going to build a jetty like Jackie did? Howard thanked him for that and moved on to Jon Hein.
Artie did his impression of Jon Hein doing his show preview before Jon got to it. He gave it to them with his delivery and had the guys laughing. Howard called him ''Artie Hein'' and then asked Jon to give his rundown. Jon went into his show preview and it sounded kind of like Artie's rundown. Jon said they'll be talking about the nasty straw stunt that Benjy and Richard did. Then they'll talk about Beetlejuice being in a foul mood today.
Howard ended up back on the subject of that guy Tiny again. He and Artie did their impressions of that guy and talked about those wiping habits of his. Artie told a story about an 800 pound guy he knew who had to have people come over to his place to move him around and clean up his shit.
They spent some time goofing on Tiny and talking about what it would be like to have to clean that guy's ass. A caller told Howard that Bubba was talking about what it was like to be 500 pounds and how he used to have Spice Boy help him wipe his ass with a beach towel. That led to the guys talking about how fat guys arms start looking like dinosaur arms and how they can't reach all the areas they have to. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. He took a call from ''David Bowie'' (Sour Shoes) who wanted to wish Howard a belated Happy Birthday. Sour Shoes... I mean David Bowie, sang Howard a little bit of ''Heroes'' after Howard requested it. He didn't seem to know the lyrics so he just threw some in once in a while. Howard ended up hanging up on him after he wasn't able to hear his requests for certain songs.
A little later in the news Howard brought up an article that someone sent him where Billy Squire blamed that one video he did for his career being ruined. He read through the article and spent a minute talking about that. Ralph called in and spent some time on that subject as well. He also brought up psychic Sylvia Browne and how she did get the name of the kidnapper right in the kidnapping case of that 11 year old kid. Howard said that the guy's name was Michael and that's the most popular name in the country so it's not that big of a deal.
Robin mentioned that the FCC has reversed their thoughts on whether or not XM and SIRIUS could merge into one company. They spent a short time talking about that and then wrapped up the show around 10:35am.
Howard started off the show singing along to his opening theme song ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Artie was wondering what opened the show before that song did. Howard said that old song would still be opening it but people would go nuts if he changed this one. He said he was really annoying in the recording session with Rob Zombie when they were singing that song. He spent a little while talking about how he and Rob got through that recording session. He said he was absolutely not a rocker when he was performing that.
Howard said he was listening to the show playback yesterday and he realized he's been cursing a little too much so he's going to cut back. He said he used shit and fuck in the same sentence so he's going to cut back on that kind of stuff. He used to be able to do a show without cursing but now it just feels right so he does it.
Howard said he had a big day yesterday. He ran home and tried to squeeze in a game of chess. He had a million things to do and realized he can't fit them all into one day. He played the chess game fast and ended up losing in a half hour. He thought that was pretty quick. He also hates to lose like that. Then he lied to Beth telling her he was on the phone with his agent Don while he was actually playing chess. She knew he was actually playing chess though. Howard said he had to talk to his psychiatrist about it and they're working that out.
Howard said he knows he's insane or just a lunatic. Robin agreed and said that his shrink must think he is too because he wanted him in therapy five days a week. Howard wondered why he's such a lunatic and what happened to him. Robin said it's that obsessive thing he's got going on. He asked her what she means when she says that he is a lunatic.
Robin explained to Howard that most people would do things and get them over with. Howard obsesses over things and they all have to live through it. She used his nose job as an example. She told him that living with him through that was a nightmare. Howard asked if Beth is crazy for being with him. Robin said she is going to have a difficult life. Robin only has to deal with him for a couple of hours a day. Beth has to deal with it all the time so if he's obsessing over something, she has to deal with that. Robin said she's heard the panic in people's voices when they have to deal with Howard on something.
Robin said that Ronnie and Laura (his assistant) have to deal with him when he goes through stuff and they have to make sure things always work or Howard will go nuts. Artie said that Howard set up that wonderful trip to Florida for them and it was wonderful... but Howard was miserable. Artie said he went to tip their limo driver down in Tampa but Howard came running over and insisted on taking care of the tip. He's torturing himself with that stuff and if people don't return that gesture, it drives him nuts. Howard said he does do that and he expects it from his kids so he has to keep that in check.
Robin said she has seen Howard going crazy over a can of soup and things like that. She's seen him go crazy over not being able to use a remote control. She said down in Florida he had left his laptop power cord at home and he went crazy over that. She said she saw people going into a panic over that because he needed it down in Florida.
Artie said that Howard is almost too conscientious about things and it's like he's forcing them to have a good time. They're under pressure to have a good time and it's not very easy. He said that when Howard yells at Gary for something, it's like Einstein yelling at an assistant for not coming up with the theory of relativity.
Robin said that in meetings in the past Howard was so bad that it was scary. Gary said that there was a period of time back around the release of his movie (1997 or so) where Howard yelled at him so much in front of people, he almost threw up. Howard said Gary does need a lot of guidance though. Artie said that there are some people in his life who drive Howard nuts and he understands it. He used Stuttering John as that example. He said when Tim Sabean forgot about Howard's mother coming to the studio, he just had to sit back and laugh. He talked about how warm his parents are but also that they act the same way as Howard does when they obsess on things.
Robin said that Howard notices everything too. If she throws a party, he will call her and thank her but he'll also notice every detail from what was on the napkin to anything else that other people would never see. Howard said that he tracks the movement of his psychiatrist's eye. He watches him that closely that he knows the way his eye moves. He said he once pointed out what was wrong with his eye and the guy found it amazing that he even noticed.
Artie said he hopes that Howard has conquered this and doesn't obsess over stuff. Howard said he doesn't even know what ''this'' is. Gary pointed out a cup of knives and forks in the studio and how Howard would go crazy if there wasn't a fork in that cup one day. Gary said that all work would come to a halt around the offices if there wasn't a fork because he would ask every single person who came into the studio where the forks were.
Robin said that Howard would detail every little thing that Gary needed to do in the past. He would tell him every single detail. Gary said that the phrase that would drive him nuts was when he would say that ''these are the things that keep me up at night...'' Robin said you could actually see physical pain coming from Howard when this stuff happens.
Artie said that they were doing something with George Takei one morning where they were having a lot of fun and just rolling in laughter. Then one caller says that it sounds like the morning zoo and Howard starts to obsess over that even though it was nothing like the morning zoo. Howard is more worried about what his listeners are saying than what he thinks himself.
Howard said he's still got zero satisfaction over his career. Artie aids that's not possible because if he quit tomorrow, he would still be the Babe Ruth of radio. Howard doesn't think so. Robin said she told Howard he should be very proud over the past year but a pained look came over his face like he didn't think so. Howard said he doesn't feel the same thing so he does feel pain because he doesn't see it the same way she does.
Artie said he can kind of identify over the way Howard acts but it's only a fraction of what he's got. He said he has to satisfy people too but not nearly as much as Howard needs to.
Gary said that he was listening to regular radio the other day and thought about how there's a whole technology that's being promoted to combat Howard Stern. He thinks that the promotion of HD radio is all about beating Howard Stern and satellite radio. Howard said he doesn't think that's the case.
Artie asked Howard about his shrink and if he's a fan of the show. Howard said the guy knows nothing about the show. Artie asked how a guy approaches fixing someone's brain like that. Howard isn't sure but he knows that he has helped him. He thinks that he is better than he was years ago.
Howard and Robin talked about the days when they were doing the channel 9 show. Howard said that was the worst time of his life because he was working so long. He said they spent hours after the radio show doing the TV show and it was the worst.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that these guys are going to upset him by talking about all of this stuff. Howard said he knows how they feel but he there are times when he just can't accept that people understand what he needs done unless he goes into detail. Robin said that he's gone into rants where he repeats himself like five times in a row. Howard said that's the way his parents treated him so that's how he does things.
Gary said he would ask Howard questions about things he was telling him to do and that would make it even worse. He said Howard would stop him and go into so much detail about the exact way he wanted him to do things. It drove him crazy.
Howard said he watched American Idol last night and noticed that Randy Jackson's weight is back. He said he had a gastric bypass surgery and his belly is as full as ever on that show. That led to them talking about Simon commenting on one of the fat people by asking if he was wearing Randy's pants. Howard said he was reading stories about kids who are getting that gastric bypass surgery done. He said that a 13 year old shouldn't be doing that, there's got to be another option. Artie said that they should go out and play stick ball for a couple of hours.
Howard said if you never address the issue of why they eat so much, that surgery isn't going to help. It's always going to return. Robin said that this guy Michael Hebranco is one of those guys who is unable to keep the weight of. Howard said these people all seem to gain the weight back somehow. Dominic Barbara had the surgery done and he's gained back a lot. Sharon Osbourne wants to try and keep the weight off after having her band removed from her stomach.
Artie said that he got into a basketball game yesterday and didn't eat all that much after that. He said he felt good this morning when he woke up too. Howard told him that he really should try eating a sensible meal all the time. Artie said he feels a million times better after that and it was just one day.
Howard said he spent some time watching TV and loved the episode of Smallville when they had the Justice League of America. Robin said that was a good episode. Howard also mentioned he watched ''Heroes'' and thought that was really good. Howard said he doesn't like the Green Arrow character in the comic books. He doesn't have any powers other than being able to shoot an arrow. Robin said she saw a trailer for the new Spider-Man movie. She said it looks really good.
Howard said he heard that Artie had a cupcake this morning. Artie said he couldn't resist it. Howard told the guys to hide those cupcakes from Artie because it'll be funny to see him go hunting for them. Artie said they're so good and moist. Howard asked him if that's like pussy for him at this point. Artie said that's nothing like pussy.
Howard said that when he sees a hot chick in a room, he concentrates on that and nothing else. Artie was saying he's the same way. That led to Howard talking about how he's not all that interested in other chicks since he's got Beth. He doesn't even have the desire to go to Scores these days.
Howard got word that the cupcakes had been hidden. Artie said that was fine because he had a pork roll and egg sandwich that he got on the way into work. He doesn't need the cupcakes. Howard said that must be a lot of calories. Artie said he had them leave the cheese off today. He said he already had one of them for breakfast but this second one is for later. Howard said he's already had a cupcake and a pork roll and egg sandwich... and he might have another. That's a lot of food. Howard thought that maybe after yesterday he was going to cut back on the food and maybe give away the sandwich to someone else.
Artie put the focus on Benjy and talked about how much salad he eats. He's eating salad but he over eats that stuff. Gary said that Benjy has been trying really hard not to eat crap food in front of them but he couldn't avoid it on the plane trip. Gary said Benjy was looking around on the plane for something to eat. There was some fruit and Benjy was eating piece after piece. Then one day at the pool Benjy and his girlfriend were eating salad and he ate his within 11 seconds. He ordered a second salad and that's why he's still at the weight he's at.
Gary asked Benjy if he thinks about food all the time. Howard said he's seen Benjy eating an industrial sized box of cereal too. It's not the food he eats but the amount of that food he eats.
Benjy said that last night he had a fruit plate from a deli. He also had two turkey burger patties, without the bun. Gary wanted him to talk about the crap he's eating that keeps him fat. Benjy said before he had that he had some nuts. He was going backwards talking about what he ate last night. All of the guys thought he was full of it and not telling them about something he ate. Benjy said he had two salads last night and they were very big.
Artie got into his bad day and talked about the crap he eats. He explained all of the junk food he ate at work and then talked about the pizza place he likes over in Hoboken. He said his driver will let him off early if they catch the light near the place. He told the guys he had a couple slices of Sicilian pizza and some root beer. Then he goes home and sleeps for a couple of hours. Then he calls the pizza place and tells them to bring up a chicken sandwich and some Hershey's chocolate bars and a Kit Kat bar. He throws those in the freezer and eats his sandwiches and meatballs.
Artie will eat the chocolate bar before bed and then in the middle of the night he'll get up and have even more. Howard figured that after all of that food it had to be in the thousands of calories just in soda. He figured it had to be at least 6,000 calories. Fred said it was more like 20,000. Robin figured it was under 10, maybe 6-8,000.
Howard asked Artie if he wants to die or something. Artie said that he really wants to live at this time but there were times in the past when he didn't care. Howard said that Beth told him she was on the web site looking at Artie's pictures talking about how bad she feels for him. She thinks that Artie is a good looking guy. He said that Artie doesn't believe that though. Artie said he knows that he's not Brad Pitt but he's also not an ogre. He said he knows he's not a horrible looking guy at all.
Artie said he knows he's got this big, wide nose but other than that he knows he's not ugly. Howard is ugly and he said he knows that. He thinks that Benjy is better looking than him. Artie said he sees himself on Comedy Central on MAD TV and sees what a good looking guy he was back then. He had a full head of hair when he was 27 years old.
Robin told Artie that maybe he could get addicted to running instead of food or drugs. it didn't sound like that was going to be happening anytime soon.
Howard read one mail where the writer said that Beet shouldn't be allowed on the show anymore if he's not going to answer questions and stuff. The caller interrupted and told Artie that he was his hero. Howard let him go and then Gary came in and said that they had audio of Lisa G trying to interview Beetlejuice after his interview. Howard said Beet took the microphone and threw it. Howard quickly played that and got a laugh when they heard Beet throw the mic. Howard said that was actually pretty scary.
Eric the Midget called in and said he wanted to tell them something. He had to take them off of speaker real quick but when he came back he sounded exactly the same. Eric said he wanted to tell them that the Johnny Fratto social club has officially beaten Jessica Hahn's thread in posts and the amount of time. Howard asked him if he's going to hold a press conference over that. Eric gave them a quick ''no.''
Eric was saying he saw Artie on TV last night on ''Idol.'' It was a huge fat chick that was on there. Artie asked him if he was too busy to say ''American Idol.'' Eric gave him another quick ''no.' That led to the guys talking about shortening names of shows and stuff and how maybe they should call Eric ''ETM'' instead of Eric the Midget.
Artie asked Eric when he was going to come in and fly with balloons. Eric said he would do it if he can go to the film festival. Howard said they haven't gotten anything set up for another film festival yet but they're supposed to be working on that.
Howard had Johnny Fratto on the phone and he was saying that they have over half a million views and some huge amount of posts in the thread that Eric was talking about. He said that's all happened in 32 days which is amazing. Johnny said that they post all kinds of stuff in there. He said that there are a couple of epidemics going on in this country. One of them is these kids who smoke pot and can't stop. The other is married women who leave their husbands for guys on the internet.
Johnny told a story about this home invasion that went on out by his house and how the helicopter that was searching for this guy was flying so low it was shaking his house. He went outside to see it and the chopper was so low that it was even with his eyes. They shined that bright light on his face and he started to stumble around the house. His girlfriend saw the chopper out there and asked him what he had done. He didn't do anything.
Howard asked Eric if he's been hitting on chicks in that thread he's been posting in. Eric said he has been doing that. Johnny said some guy offered to let Eric feel his wife's tits. Eric said he hasn't done that yet but he will probably do that. Artie asked him what his first question is for the woman... ''Do you have vision?''
Howard asked Eric if he has some security to keep him safe from the people on the web. Johnny said that he doesn't allow any bashing in that thread over there, he keeps it all positive. Johnny said that half a million views in 32 days is pretty amazing. Howard congratulated the two of them and Eric actually let out a ''thank you.'' Howard let the two of them go after that.
Artie said that another guy on that site is Bob Levy who spends all hours of the day and night posting stuff. Jessica Hahn called in and said that she hasn't been on SFN in about 3 months. She didn't know that they were in a competition. She wasn't bothered by all of that stuff though. Howard figured she was actually devastated but she was protecting herself.
JD got down on the floor and did five no problem. Howard told him to do five a day and he'd look better. He was already looking better after doing the 5. He got back to the pimple and talked about how awful that looked. Artie aid that he had a zit one morning and he didn't know what people were laughing at him about until he looked into the monitor and saw a close up of the zit.
Howard asked JD if the zit was throbbing. He said it was fine. Howard heard that JD's mother got upset about him talking about her on the air. JD said she doesn't want him talking about her on the air anymore. Artie said he got jealous of JD the other day when he was thinking about how hot that Kimberly Kane chick is. Howard said the only problem is that he has to share her with 90 other guys.
Howard asked JD how many times he's actually banged that chick. JD said it was like 3 or 4. Howard said he has to know exactly how many times he's done it. He hardly gets laid so he knows exactly how many he has. JD let out a cough after that so Howard wondered what that was about. JD said he's getting over a cold but Robin said it must be some kind of hooker cough or something he caught out in Vegas. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said Steve is almost wearing a dress when he's performing these days. Robin s