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Much to my surprise, they've actually replayed quite a few of the same segments over this weekend. I had assumed that since they had 23,000 hours of material to play, that everything on this weekend wouldn't be repeated. I was wrong.
Howard and the guys will be back tomorrow. Meanwhile, here's a sampling of what was played this weekend:
Howard was back from vacation this morning. He started off the show wondering where to start because of all the stuff that they had to catch up on. He said hello to Robin and Artie and mentioned that Artie got a call from Don Rickles over the vacation. The Howard 100 News department heard about it and reported on it over the vacation.
Artie said that Don got a hold of him through Gary and the news department heard about it. He said it was thrilling to get the call from Don. He wanted to congratulate him on the story he told on Letterman's show a couple of weeks back. Artie was afraid that Don was going to be pissed about the story he told but that wasn't the case.
Artie said he got the call but he wasn't home so Don left him a message. He said he did get his number through his caller ID but Don said he'd call him back. Howard suggested that he give Sal and Richard Don's number so they can bombard him with prank calls. That way Don would hate Artie for the rest of his life.
Howard had another prank call that Sal made. He uses a harmonizer to make his voice sound like a black guy. Howard said Sal apparently thinks that he does sound like a black guy but he doesn't realize he doesn't. Sal called a place and placed an order for his girlfirend ''Olive Blackok.'' The woman who answered the phone had a Chinese accent so she was a little confused by the last name.
Howard took a call from Stonerdude who said he loved the weekend with all of the musical performances and stuff. King of All Japs called in and said he loved the weekend as well. Howard said he thinks that they're going to be putting together a show of the best clips that the fans vote on. Donald Trump is apparently going to host the show.
King tried to ask a question but Howard accidentally cut him off. He was trying to ask about how they're going to present the future shows. Howard said they'll be playing full shows and clips and bits in the future.
Jessica Hahn called in and talked about how great the weekend was and how great it was to hear that old material. Howard said he requested a bunch of stuff but he's not sure if they played it all because he couldn't listen the whole weekend. Jessica said she heard the whole weekend and they did play some of the stuff he was talking about. She told Howard she's very proud of how far Howard and his show have come over the years.
Robin said she was amazed at how different they sound now compared to back then. Howard took another call from a guy who said he loved some of the bits they were playing. They shared their thoughts on the clips that they heard.
Howard said that it's like the guys from Jackass who will also probably end up dead some day. He said they're going to see Jackass 2 today and you just know that they're going to keep pushing the limits until someone kills themselves. Artie didn't know that the screening was today but he'd love to go see the new Jackass movie. Howard told him he'd give him the info.
Robin said that Irwin was like a national hero down in Australia because people were really going crazy after finding out he died. Artie said that he heard that the stingray pierced Irwin's heart. Robin said she heard that it pierced his chest and he pulled it out which was probably the wrong move. He went unconscious immediately and that was it.
There is video of the sting but they're not sure if that's going to be released. Howard said that kind of stuff could drag out a TV show for a full four hours. Robin said she feels really bad because Steve has a couple of kids. That led to the guys talking about the trouble Irwin got into a couple of years ago when he was holding his baby while feeding a crocodile. Howard said he feels bad for him but that's what happens when you fuck with animals.
Howard said he has to do some crazy stuff in his career but nothing like that. He said he just has to make an ass out of himself dressing up as Fartman and things like that. Howard said he once saw a guy step on a stingray on a beach. That's usually how people get stung. He said a bunch of guys were pissing on the guy's foot after he got stung because that's what people hear is supposed to help with the sting.
Howard said Jerry Lewis has found a disease that they will never cure but it guarantees him a spot on TV every single year.
Howard said he was going to take some phone calls but Robin wanted to hear more of the telethon stuff. Howard played a clip where Jerry was thanking Clint Holmes. Ed McMahon came in and started rambling again. Jerry cracked a joke and asked Ed if he had his Depends on. Ed could barely speak when he was introducing the next guest on the telethon.
Howard played some more clips and one of them was Jerry singing the song he sings every year. Howard mentioned that they're going to be doing a Karaoke contest tomorrow on the show. He said that Staind is coming in tomorrow to play for them while they sing. Artie said he's going to be doing ''Mother'' by Pink Floyd. He switched to that song from an Allman brother's song.
Gary came in and said that people can go to Sirius.com and vote for their favorite moments from the past weekend. They're going to have Donald Trump hosting the show. Howard said they should have been promoting that during the weekend but there was no mention of it. The guys talked about some of the stuff that was played over the weekend.
Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man thought he heard Mr. X saying something about Robin's pussy smelling during the Nearlywed Game replay. Gary told Howard that Scott didn't put the clip up for him to play because someone told him that it wasn't what was actually said. Howard got pissed and told Scott to just pay attention to his e-mails, no one else's, since he clearly told Scott to have that clip available for Tuesday.
Howard had to wait a couple of minutes for the clip to be put up on his computer. Gary told him that it was up along with the ''Old Man'' song. Howard played the clip where Mr. X might have said something about Robin's vagina. It turns out he said something about smelling Robin's cooking. Howard thinks that Dan must have doctored up the clip he had.
Howard played the clip of The Losers performing Neil Young's ''Old Man.'' As soon as he started playing the song he remembered the performance. He let it play through and Gary asked if he was singing in a megaphone during that song. Howard said that's what he was doing because he thought it sounded cool. Howard also said he thinks they should have released that one as a single.
Howard read some more mail about the Labor Day weekend. One guy said that the replay of the Gary love tapes was great. Another guy said he hadn't turned the radio off for 2 days straight. Another guy was talking about the great stuff he was hearing all day Sunday. Howard read through a bunch of mail about the weekend and people seemed to be very happy with what they heard.
Gary said that Bob Scheefer also cried when he was saying goodbye when he was leaving the evening news. Howard was using Artie's joke about ''washing your pussy'' for guys who cry like that. Gary wondered if Howard will cry when he retires. Howard said he has never cried on the air and he's not going to ruin it by crying on his last day.
Gary told Howard he had another clip up on the computer for him to play. It was a female news reporter saying ''black cock'' instead of Blackhawk while talking about a helicopter crash. Howard played that clip quickly and then played a clip of Angelina Jolie's father, Jon Voight, wishing her kids a happy birthday and not knowing what the kids names are. He thought one of them was Shakira. He had someone feeding him the names but he sounded confused when he was told what the names were.
Robin said that Angelina and her father haven't spoken for years so it's kind of funny to hear him trying to talk about the kids that way. Artie thought that they had made up but Robin told him that they just made up for a movie and then things apparently fell apart again.
Howard read through some more mail and one person was suggesting that Robin not do any impressions on the air because she's so bad. Another person said that Richard Christy and his girlfriend passed out in a bar over the weekend. Artie said that Richard and his girlfriend showed up down in Atlantic City and they had been drinking on the bus that they took down there.
Howard said that taking the bus down there is a good idea because you don't have to worry about that drive. Richard said he watched a movie on his video iPod and the time flew by. Howard said the guys at In Demand gave him a video iPod so he could watch some stuff and he thought it was pretty cool. Even with that small screen it works pretty well.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who thinks that Howard doesn't want Artie's movie to do well so he's been avoiding having people like Ralph Macchio on the show to promote it. Howard said he wants Artie's movie to do well and he's not stopping anyone from promoting the movie.
Gary said he TiVo'd the whole thing and knew there was something wrong when he didn't see Jon on the show for the first hour of the show. Howard played a clip where Jon actually got to speak and he was very smooth and was very well spoken. He seems to be a natural on TV and radio according to Howard. Jon was asked about his web site JumpTheShark.com. He talks about that and some of the shows that may be Jumping the Shark.
Howard told Jon he sounded good but he really needs to get stuff out quickly when you're doing a show like that. Jon said he was trying but he couldn't come up with names. Tracy Gold was one of the hosts there and Jon said he got to hang out with her in the make-up trailer. Jon said she's a huge fan of the show. He said she was just about having a meltdown over the shoes she wanted to wear so he backed her up after the make-up person suggested that she not wear them. Jon also said that he met Adam West's daughter there at the show as well.
Janks said there was a moment during a press conference when a reporter forgot to turn off her microphone and said some stuff on the air about her family. Gary told him that they actually had that clip so he could play it. Howard played the clip where the reporter was just rambling while President Bush was making a speech. Howard said it sounded like someone was bored with Bush's speech and put her mic up instead. Bush is making this speech and the woman is just chatting with another woman in the bathroom. She was saying some things about her family.
Howard said it sounds like Scott the Engineer has another job over at CNN. Artie said he once got caught with his mic on and was bad mouthing an assistant. Janks asked Howard if they could replay the Lost in Space thing they did years ago. He said he loves the Billy West stuff that they played over the weekend. Howard said they could do a whole weekend worth of Billy West stuff some day. He also said they've asked Billy to do the show but he apparently doesn't want anything to do with it these days.
Artie talked about hearing the Meg Griffin and Sam Kinison segment. He said that Meg came off so bad during that whole thing. He also loved Kinison's defense for the stuff he was talking about. He said it was amazing. Howard said he really misses Sam Kinison. He told some stories about Sam that he thought were pretty funny. He talked about hanging out with Sam out in California and how crazy things were back then. It was one thing funnier than the next back then. Artie asked Howard if Sam had any money by the time he died. Howard and Robin said that he went through all of his money by that point.
Howard asked Wendy if she knows that the reason she gets so fat is because she's eating tons of pizza and drinking booze like this. She doesn't know what's going on.
Gary and Richard said that Wendy leaves a lot of messages for them and she does some strange things when she calls in. Howard played one clip where Wendy gets on two phones and gets her voice echoing. She starts laughing and just making strange noises for no apparent reason. Artie told Howard he should have a retard weekend sometime and just play retards.
Wendy said that she gets ''undepressed'' when she drinks and that's why she loves it so much. She said she gets depressed about having no daddy. Howard asked her if she's completely naked and touching herself this morning. She said she was. Howard and the guys asked her a bunch of disturbing questions and Wendy was answering yes to all of them. Howard asked her how many times a day she makes a doody. She said she does it in the afternoon and at night before going to bed. She also said that they're solid. Artie wondered how often she actually uses the toilet when she goes. She said that when a girl has to go she's got to go.
Howard asked her about making doody in her pants and stuff like that as well. She talked about how she has to clean her underpants in the sink and how her ass gets itchy from not wiping correctly. Howard was describing Wendy's naked body and how fat she is with her big hairy bush and big floppy tits hanging out. Wendy said she's been dying to come up and hang out with them so she's been depressed about that. Howard told her they'll get her up there soon. He let her go after that.
Howard played a prank call the guys made back at K-Rock where they used clips of Wendy calling a power company demanding that they turn her power back on. They went to commercial break after that.
Sixx was on the phone so Howard asked him if they cut out his stuff during the subsequent broadcasts. Sixx said they cut out his plugs but not him getting on stage.
Howard said that he's amazed that MTV can't keep him out of the award shows. Sixx was laughing and said that he's the best at what he does and no one else gets up on stage and does what he does. He manages to get tickets to these events and gets in legitimately. This time he had third row tickets. He said there are a lot of celebrity fans out there who get him tickets to these shows.
Howard said it's amazing that security is so lax at these shows because Sixx could be a stalker who wants to beat the crap out of J-Lo or something like that and he just walks up on stage. Sixx said that he's not just some crazy guy, he's a celebrity in his own right so it's not that big of a deal.
Howard asked Sixx how he plans on going up on stage. Sixx said he always waits for the end of the show because it's usually the biggest award. He told Howard he got up on stage a little later than the band so he just grabbed the microphone and the guy gave it to him. Howard explained what went on and how funny it was how the guy just handed him the mic.
Sixx said that security was very upset with him after he did what he did. He said that they were trying to rough him up a little bit but he's a pretty big guy and it wasn't so easy. Howard asked Sixx what the significance of his name is. Sixx said it was just a nickname that some people gave him.
Sixx said he was turned over to the NYC police and they had to take him down to the precinct. He was there with Mos Def who was out on the streets blasting some stuff about President Bush. Sixx said that they were asking him who put him up to doing what he did because he was mentioning his name back stage. He said they thought that Howard put him up to it but he goes out and does it on his own.
Sixx said that they did catch him last year and didn't let him into the show. He managed to get in on previous few years though. Artie said that he has trouble getting on the red carpet at events that he's part of so it's pretty amazing that Sixx can just walk on and get through the way he does.
Howard explained the clip he was about to play and then played Sixx getting up on stage. J-Lo announced the winner which was Panic at the Disco... Then you hear Sixx getting up on stage and getting in some plugs for his web site MTV6000.com and some shout outs to his friends.
Jack Black commented on Sixx and said that he was uncool and he was the next ''Soy bomb.'' No one was quite sure what that was all about but Fred said it was an old reference to some old show where someone got on stage with ''Soy Bomb'' written on his shirt.
Sixx said that MTV is trying to shut down his web site and he really needs a job. Robin told him he might want to become a crocodile hunter because that job is open right now. Howard let him go after that.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She mentioned some of the stuff that she heard over this past weekend. She and Howard talked about some of the stuff that was played and then she gave Howard the news preview. She said they'll be talking about the weekend and about the future of the classic tapes. Nina Blackwood was in the halls there at Sirius so Lisa said she got an interview with her. Howard asked her what she looks like these days. Lisa said she doesn't look the same as she did back when she was on MTV many years ago. She described her as looking like a mix of Lynn Samuels and Betsy Johnson.
Howard said it would have been great if MTV had brought back the old VJs for the 25th anniversary of MTV but they didn't bother. Lisa mentioned that Sal will be taping another episode of Kill or Be Killed today at Caroline's. The show is sold out already though. She also mentioned that they have another episode of The Sex Connection tonight on Howard 101.
Artie has said that the relationship is over but they keep getting back together. Howard said it seems like Dana calls him whenever something big comes up in his career. His movie premiere is coming up soon so Howard figures she'll be back with him by then. Howard mentioned that Beth has a new dress for the premiere.
Howard asked Artie what's up with this relationship but Artie is very annoyed by the whole thing. Artie said he felt like telling Howard to shut the fuck up about the whole thing because that's what he usually tells people. Howard asked him if he goes through the same type of thing in other relationships and if his parents used to fight like that. Artie said he has trouble with any long term relationship at any level.
Artie said he hates thinking about a relationship lasting a long time. The guys pointed out that he was ready to marry her just a few months ago though. Howard asked Lisa if she would go out with Artie. She was shaking her head yes and said that she thinks he's adorable.
Artie said that Dana did come over to visit him during vacation but he's sure it's done now. Howard said this relationship is wild. They've been on again/off again for the past few months. Fred played some sad piano music as Howard was singing a goofy song about Dana being gone but not forgotten.
Robin suggested that Artie sing the Bon Jovi song with the line ''Shot through the heart...'' in it. Howard said that should be for the Crocodile Hunter guy. He started to sing a little bit of what that might be like and said he'd get working on that right away.
Howard brought up this guy Arnold Zanker who was just some middle management guy at CBS who took over for Walter Cronkite one time when he was on strike. The guy did just fine filling in for the guy and that's who they should be comparing Katie Couric to.
Howard brought up a news story about a guy who was beaten up and killed over $60 in New York City while they were away. He said that's really messed up.
Howard said he read that Mel Gibson's son Christian was picked up for drunk driving while they were away. He said it wasn't a big story in the paper. He was more surprised at the kid's name not being ''Adolf.''
Howard mentioned that Rosie O'Donnell is starting on The View today as well. Artie said he's kind of interested in knowing how she does but he doesn't watch that show so he won't know how it goes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he liked hearing Howard talking to Jackie the Joke Man on Friday's pre-show for the All Request weekend. Howard said he heard Jackie on the air and called in to talk to him a little bit about the old days. Howard said he'd like to get Jackie involved in some roasts on the show but he's not sure if he'd be up for it or not.
The caller also told Howard he thinks Artie is great on the show. Artie said that Jackie should let them roast him sometime because that would be great as well. Howard let Lisa G go and went to break a short time later.
Howard said maybe they could have Fred dress up as a doctor and as he's operating on him, they could just fly him with balloons. He had Eric on the phone a short time later and had Fred doing an impression of an Austrian doctor. Johnny Fratto was on the line with Eric and was laughing at the accent.
Howard said it would be funny if they put Eric under and gave him breast implants instead of fixing his legs. He told Eric that they could line this all up and they'd hook him up with Dr. VonFrederick.
Johnny Fratto said that the negotiations apparently broke down for some reason so they want to work things out. Howard was ignoring that and having a conversation with Dr. VonFrederick. Johnny was telling Eric that he should just agree to fly with balloons and get it over with. Johnny said he's at his wits end and doesn't know what else to do. Robin wasn't sure why he was wasting his time.
Johnny told Artie he had some advice for his relationship with Dana. He said that his ex really hates him and his son's mother sounds just like what Artie is describing. Johnny said that 14 years ago he met a girl who worked for him and he took her home and kept her. He was basically saying that he's got another girl even though he's still technically married to his son's mother. He said he just walked away and has been cheating on her for the past 14 years.
Artie said he's never been a ladies man and he seems to want to be miserable. He's not sure why that is but he feels like he has to fuck everything up. He's been very self destructive with relationships and with his career. He said he wants to mire in this shit and just be miserable. Johnny told him to just go get married and if things done work out, you just go out and get another chick. Artie said he'd be broke if that happened. Artie said he thinks he's doing Dana a favor by not marrying her because if they did have to get a divorce, he'd probably kill her.
Shuli came in and told Howard that they're breaking a Johnny Fratto story on Howard 100 News today. He said that Johnny was actually dating Nicole Eggert for a while. He got an interview with Nicole and has her telling stories about Johnny. He said that she told a story about him handcuffing her to a pole completely naked and taking pictures of her once in a while.
Howard said that's the hottest thing to do, tie up a chick and leave her alone. Shuli said that's what Johnny did to Nicole. Howard told Johnny he had to get going and left it open to Eric if he wanted to get operated on by Dr. VonFrederick. Eric gave him a 'Nooo'' when he brought that up. Eric wasn't able to get a word in with Johnny talking so much.
Johnny told Howard he and Eric hooked up because they have a mutual friend by the name of Jim. Howard said he wanted to give Eric some dog legs instead of using his human legs. Eric wasn't interested in that. Fred, as Dr. VonFrederick, said that Gary the Retard is his anesthesiologist. Eric really wants nothing to do with this phony doctor stuff and wasn't having any fun with the joking around. Howard had to let the guys go because he had Chuck Zito on the phone.
Howard said Gary saw Chuck at lunch one day and he's all slimmed down now and looking normal. Chuck is preparing to do some Ultimate Fighting stuff so he needs to be a little lighter. He said he won't be fighting until January or March of 2007. Howard talked to him about the type of fighting he'll be doing and how brutal it will be. Chuck seems to think he'll have no problem taking anyone else down.
Howard gave Chuck a plug for the appearance he's making and let him get in some other stuff. Chuck said he didn't have any plugs the last time he was on the show. That night he said that about 10,000 people hit his web site ChuckZito.com without even mentioning it. He said he thinks that's the kind of power Howard has. Howard let him go after that.
Howard played the clip where Bam goes nuts and talks about how messed up this country is with people trying to get money from people who don't have any. He said his uncle Vito doesn't have any money and this woman trying to sue him isn't going to get him anything. Bam then asked for some music to be played because he's moving to 'Kasakastan' to get away from this bullshit.
Howard replayed the audio of Jon Voight screwing up Angelina Jolie's kids names because he said it was just sitting on his computer staring at him. He said it was a great clip. He loves that the guy doesn't know the kids names.
Howard had another audio clip from a Mike Tyson press conference where he was cursing out some guy. He said that they were never able to play it uncensored before. Howard liked the clip so much he played it a second time. He and the guys had some fun with that clip. They were goofing on Tyson's threats because he was telling this guy he was going to fuck him until he loved him. Artie was doing his impression of Tyson and saying a bunch of gay stuff.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had a clip from a baseball game where this guy Bert Blylevin was using the F-word quite a bit. The guy didn't know he was live on the air. He screwed up and apologized a short time later. Howard said the guy got suspended for 2 broadcasts after that.
Howard said that this guy Brent Bosel has stepped down from the Parent Television Council. He said it was too much for the guy. Howard quickly dropped that subject and said that on PerezHilton.com last week they had a picture of John Travolta kissing some dude. He showed that to the guys in the studio.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie if he's going to be thrilled when Beth O dumps Howard. Artie said he's not looking forward to that. Howard gave Artie full permission to goof on him if that does happen. Howard said he will be in full denial by that point though. He'll pretend that nothing is wrong if it does happen.
Robin wondered why he doesn't let someone take him in. Artie said the kid came over and they watched some baseball last night. Artie said the kid is a Red Sox fan so he put the word out that he took one of them in. The kid just spent one night there. Artie said the kid is getting another place to stay in a couple of days.
Gary came in and said that this kid has a brother who lives in Manhattan. Artie said he didn't know that. Howard had Gary get the guy in there so they could talk to him about it. Jackson came in and said that he's got a brother but he lives up in Boston. Jackson said his brother's girlfriend's parents live in Manhattan, not his brother.
Howard said the guy seems a little creepy and he'd feel weird letting the guy stay with him. Howard asked him if he beat off in Artie's bed. The guy had a little bit of a strange voice so Howard was goofing on that. Artie said he and Jackson are both smokers and smoked about 2 packs last night.
Jeff has a new job at a supermarket and they helped him out getting the job. Jeff also explained that the message he left was supposed to be a joke referring to Eric the Midget's calls. No one believed that's what was going on there though.
Artie said Jeff calls a lot and doesn't leave messages all the time. He said he's seen his caller ID where he calls every 10 minutes or so.
Jeff said that this new job he has is basically a garage door opener. He has to open a door when anyone comes to make deliveries. That's it! He gets paid $7.50 an hour to open a door. Howard thinks that Jeff is going to screw that up somehow though. He could probably change his life and make a good living but he'll managed to screw everything up. Jeff starts his job tomorrow at 7:30am. His neighbor is going to drive him to work every morning. The supermarket is about 10 miles away so Howard suggested that he walk there to make sure he doesn't screw that up. Howard suggested that he drive his mobile home over there. Jeff said that his home is not on wheels and it's not that kind of mobile home. He hung up a short time later. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he gave Sal the idea for his Kill or Be Killed show months before he did the show. He asked to get to visit the show to be part of the audience but he was never invited. The guy was also saying that it's costing his fans $1.06 per show the way he's going with the vacations these days. Sal came in a short time later and defended himself but the guy's phone went dead and they lost his call.
Sal said that he was thinking of Howard through the vacation and how great it must have been with the crappy weather they had last week. Howard said he was fine and played chess most of the time. Sal said he's never thinking about Howard again because he figured he'd be on vacation somewhere nice instead of out in The Hamptons. Howard said he read books, read the newspaper and played chess. He said he can be happy doing stuff like that.
Howard said he would wake up early every morning and just do whatever he wanted through those days that it was raining. He said he doesn't care where he wakes up either.
Howard said he doesn't get bored because there's so many thing people can do. He said this job of his is slowing him down and he'd rather be home doing whatever he wants. Sal said he can't imagine that Howard doesn't like to go away. Howard said he really doesn't care about the weather that much and if it's not nice out, he finds something else to do.
Sal seemed to be shocked that Howard could feel that way about the weather. Howard told him that ''the gloomier the better...'' Beth wasn't thrilled that the weather sucked though. Fred feels the same way as Howard does. He doesn't care about the weather, he had a fine time. He said he was having a better day than Steve Irwin was.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard how great the All Request Weekend was. Howard gave a shout out to the crew who put all of that together. He and the caller spent a short time talking about how awful regular radio is. Howard said he really doesn't care about terrestrial radio anymore. He said some people were asking him about Opie and Anthony's appearance on Letterman but he didn't see it. He said Gary told him about it and they were goofing on him but he really doesn't care. He claims that he heard that the higher ups over at CBS asked the guys at Letterman to put them on the show, it wasn't Dave looking for them as guests.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that XM is giving away their radios with a Bally's fitness club membership. Howard said that XM isn't as happening as they were in the past and they've blown it as far as he can tell. He said he can't imagine what XM will have to do to get people to actually pay for that service. He said that maybe if they offered to blow every guy who subscribes, maybe that would work.
Jon Hein said that they would be talking about the All Request Weekend during the Wrap Up Show today. Howard was joking around about how Mutt's head blew up during his pre-show on Friday afternoon. He said he thinks he was beating his meat while he and Jackie were on the phone.
Jon said they'll be talking about Artie hosting Jackson the intern at his apartment. They'll also be talking about Sixx the award show crasher since he called in today. Howard thanked him for the rundown and let him go.
Artie said that you have to root for the home team and that's what the whites are to them. Howard said that if he wanted to revive the Survivor series, he wouldn't do the ethnic thing. He'd do something like Transsexuals vs. apes or something like that. He said he'll be watching this season though. He read a press release from GM where they claim that they didn't pull out because of the ethnic thing. He said he thinks that's a line of bullshit coming from them.
Howard said it would be great if they went back stage there at the telethon and found Ed McMahon making out with a Muscular Dystrophy chick. The guys spent a short time talking about why they think Jerry does that telethon because he's really not a giving person. There were some theories that he does it because he used to do that goofy, retarded character back in the day and this is his way of making up for it.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told a joke that he screwed up telling. Artie knew the punch line so he threw it in before Jeff could finish.
Howard said that Kelly Monaco ended up on the Jerry Lewis telethon. She apparently hasn't done much since winning Dancing With the Stars. He played some audio of that and then some audio of Jerry sounding very confused during the show.
Howard ended up talking about the new Borat movie that's coming out soon and how much he's looking forward to it. Artie was wondering if that guy needs the reality part of the Ali G show to make him funny. Howard said he thinks that they did do that type of thing for the movie.
Howard had some audio of Dick Clark speaking at the Emmy Awards last week. He played a couple of Crackhead Bob clips at first but then played some of the audio from the Emmys. Howard said he actually does sound a little bit like Crackhead Bob. He was also saying that it's really kind of sad. The guy was the 'World's Oldest Teenager' and now he can barely speak. Artie said the oldest teenager is now the worlds oldest adult.
Howard played audio of Julia Louis Dreyfus crying after accepting her Emmy. She got cut off at the end of her speech and Howard said he doesn't get that. They get someone up there who has something to say and they cut her off.
Gary said he hung out with Joe back in December and everything was great from what he could tell. He had already written down the stuff they could play on the show from when Joe would come on the show and talk about how much he loved her. Robin wondered what went wrong. Howard said Kimberly got old. That and the fact that they have kids.
Howard said that Tom Arnold and his wife also split up over vacation. Gary said he read something about her family not liking Tom or something like that. Robin brought up Joe again and said that he had stopped talking to them around the time he was thinking of running for governor of New Jersey. Howard said they'll have a whole retrospective of Joe and Kimberly's relationship on tomorrow's show.
Artie said he'd love to hear Joe's son talk about the relationship. Howard said he heard the kid wanted to come on the show so they could probably get him on. Gary said they were trying to get more information about what he wanted to talk about but now he's definitely going to get booked. Joe Jr. grew up with Kimberly just being a few years older than him so the guys figure he must have jerked off thinking about her all those years.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Cabbie also said that he's going to be auditioning with his old partner Cane over at Free FM this week. Howard told him he'd like to get him a job there at SIRIUS and he knows that Tim Sabean still brings his name up when they talk.
Howard wished Cabbie luck with his audition. Cabbie said that he'll be on the rest of this week from 10pm to 2am on 92.3 Free FM (Formerly 92.3 K-Rock) in New York City. Howard let Cabbie go and had Robin finish up her news. They wrapped up the news and the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show talking about all of the Joe Piscopo clips that Gary pulled to play today. Yesterday Howard talked about how Joe and his wife had broken up and how he wanted to go over their history on the show. Joe married the woman when she was 17 years old and they've been together for 15 years according to Gary.
Artie said that Kimberly was smoking hot when he saw her years ago. He figures she must still be hot but he hasn't seen her lately. Howard said Joe went through a lot with his ex-wife and this new wife. Robin said that Joe had a female judge in his first divorce case and she apparently hated him. He would still show up with this young, hot girlfriend though.
Howard played a clip from Joe's Channel 9 (WWOR) TV show where he sang a song about Kimberly called, what else, ''Kimberly.'' Howard explained how Joe was wearing a cut off muscle shirt trying to look like Bruce Springsteen back then. Howard seems to remember it like it was yesterday. Joe talks about the song for a minute and then asks his audience if he should sing the song. After some applause he goes into the song that Howard goofed on relentlessly back then.
Howard started singing the song with new lyrics after playing just a short clip of the song. He was singing about the hate Joe probably has for her now and how he has to pay Alimony to both ex-wives. Gary came in and told Howard that Kimberly is probably about 35 now. He went back and checked the notes and found that Joe admitted he met Kimberly when she was just 11 years old. That made him wonder when he first became attracted to her. It couldn't have been 11. The guys figure that it was probably after she got some tits. Maybe 14 years old.
Howard got back to the song and played a little more of that. Gary said that Kimberly was a baby sitter for Joe's kids but he actually met her in an ice cream shop she was working in. Howard said he remembers Kimberly talking about how Joe was the only guy she had slept with back when they first had her on the show. Howard would play a short clip of the song, goof on it, then talk a little more about their relationship.
Artie had some memories of when Howard first played the song on his show and goofed on it. He remembered some of the jokes that they told about the song and how much they goofed on Joe about it. Howard said that Joe's new favorite song is Sal's ''My Wife'' song parody where he sings about how much he hates his wife.
Howard had an old audio clip from his own WWOR TV show where Joe came on and told them that he was engaged to Kimberly. Robin sounded very excited back then and was squealing like a little girl as she was talking to him. Howard remembered how smoking hot she was back then and how much he wanted to fuck her. He said she must be a real pain in the ass for Joe to be leaving her. He said that Joe is a pain in the ass as well.
Howard played another clip where Kimberly talked about why she fell in love with Joe. She talked about how they were ''pals'' when she was just 11 years old. Then she grew up and he ended up falling in love with her. Robin said she loves that Joe did the whole impress her thing and she was only 17 back then. In the clip Kimberly talked about how much fun she was having hanging out with Joe and how other guys are just greaseball pigs.
Gary came in and told Howard that Joe is now 55 years old so when he met Kimberly, he was probably about 29 years old. By the time he was 35 he was in love with her and dropped his wife. Howard played more audio where he was talking to Joe, asking him if he was going to marry Kimberly. Joe said he was waiting for the right time so Howard told him to do it right there on the show.
Robin said that all of the guys in the movie were bruised from head to toe. Howard said Steve O did this thing when he was on a boat with Bam, who was dressed as a sailor, where he put a fish hook through his cheek. They then took Steve O and threw him in the water with sharks so they were using him as shark bait.
Howard said he got a bunch of mail about his comments about Steve Irwin from yesterday's show. He said people weren't happy with how callous he was talking about the guy. Howard said the guy had no business being near a stingray. He also brought up how Irwin brought his infant son with him as he was feeding a crocodile one time and he thinks that's because he was so desperate to be on TV.
Howard played some audio of one of Steve Irwin's friends talking about the death of his friend on Larry King's show. The guy broke down and cried as he was talking about his friend dying before they could get him any help. Larry King kept asking him dopey questions as if nothing was wrong. Larry also said that they can only hope that the video tape of that death never makes it out. That led to Howard talking about how it can be stopped if the one guy who has the tape destroys it. It probably won't be destroyed and it will somehow end up on the web. The friend of Irwin's said that the tape should never be released but right now it's in police custody.
Howard said he did feel bad for the guy dying but the guy was insane and that's what happens when you're nuts. He read some of the mail he got where people went off on him for being so cruel talking about Irwin's death. Howard said that if you want to film Crocodiles, you don't have to wrestle them. He said he loves watching that stuff but they're nuts to be doing something like that. He said you have to be an idiot to do that or mess with bears.
Howard brought up another segment from Jackass where they get a male horse that's mounting a female horse. They slip a glove over the horse penis and milk it. They get this giant glass of horse semen and Bam ends up drinking it. Richard Christy was at the movie and he started to dry heave. Beth looked over at Howard and said that Richard was going to vomit. Howard told her that he was just going to dry heave. Richard came in and said that he was doing it into his hand and didn't actually puke. He also corrected Howard and said that it was actually Chris Pontius who drank the semen.
Howard said the guys did one routine where they get a make up artist make them up with old man balls and they walk around on the street with their balls hanging out. He said there was a dog licking the balls on Johnny Knoxville. Howard said they do some pretty disgusting shit in the movie but it's not all disgusting. He said he thought that Wee Man got off a little easy when he first came out of the movie but then he thought about it and realized that he really didn't.
Richard said that there was some crazy stuff when the guys were getting into a ring with bulls and getting slammed into. Artie said those guys are so nuts that they deserve hot chicks. Robin used to be in love with Steve O but after this movie she says that she's turned off to him. Now she likes Bam.
Howard said that they got some complaints about the stuff they played over the weekend because they repeated some of the stuff. Howard said that between Howard 100 and 101 they had constant bits and he didn't even hear it all. Howard said they could have done a new bit every minute but he figured that people would miss some stuff if they did that. Howard figures they must be hearing from some real hard core fans with the complaints.
Howard got a prediction from a fan who said that Artie's movie will be a sleeper hit of the year but it will end up driving him crazy and he'll end up having another break down. Robin said she thinks there's a ring of truth to that comment. Another writer said that he thinks Artie jumped the weight shark and he should try to lose some of that weight. Artie said he would like to lose some of that weight but he hasn't gotten around to it.
Someone wrote in and complained about Howard's comments about Jerry Lewis during yesterday's show. They also corrected him about why Jerry got into the telethon thing. They said that Dean Martin had a friend who had Muscular Dystrophy and that's why he started.
Howard said that Rosie O'Donnell started on The View yesterday and things have changed a little bit there. He said Elisabeth Hasslebeck looked lost on the show not knowing what to say. Robin asked if Rosie was taking control or if she let the others speak. He said it seemed like she was willing to listen to the others. He said the main problem with the show is that they four women are always talking over one another. They had Jessica Simpson on the show yesterday and they didn't let her get a word in.
Howard said that on his show, he's the orchestra leader but on The View they don't seem to have one. Gary came in and told Howard they had some audio from the show if he wanted to play it. Howard didn't want to do that though. He changed the subject a short time later.
Howard said he was reading about the new SIRIUS radio that's coming out called the Stiletto. He was reading about it and they say that you can listen to the show via the internet through this portable unit. Gary explained how they have a gym in the building and if they have a Wi-Fi network there, you can log in and listen to the show that way instead of with the antenna.
Howard said people ask him why he doesn't talk about that stuff on the air. He said that he doesn't know about these new radios until he reads articles about them.
Robin said that she's had some people asking her about how the company is doing but when they ask, they're usually asking about how the stock is doing. Howard didn't want to get into a discussion about stock because the government somehow gets involved if you do. He said he really knows nothing about stock trading and he doesn't know what to tell people when they ask if they should buy the stock.
A phone caller told Howard he bought stock because he's betting on Mel Karmazin turning the company into something great. That led to Howard talking about how his father had the chance to buy some Kentucky Fried Chicken stock back when they were first starting out and his mother talked him out of it. It ended up exploding and his father could have made millions if he had purchased it. He said that's the story he tells people when they ask about cheap stocks. He said he's not the type to gamble or invest in the stock market. The caller was saying that he's basically betting on Howard and Mel to pull the company up. Robin said the stock market is basically gambling so he really is betting on it.
Howard said the future of radio is satellite because regular radio is such a mess right now. He said that SIRIUS is betting that his fans will eventually come over and pay for their service. He really knows nothing about the stock though. Artie said that he loves the show on SIRIUS and he loves the classic rock stations. He got a new car a few months back and he hasn't changed to regular radio since he bought the car. Part of the problem is that he didn't learn how to change it before he left the dealer.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he's so obsessed about The View. Howard explained how there was a major meltdown on the show after Star Jones was fired and Merideth Viera left the show. He was kind of curious to see how the show does after all of that happened. He's curious about the business end of the show and how that works out after that.
The caller thought Howard should talk about anything but that show and Rosie O'Donnell. Howard said he doesn't care what people want him to talk about, he's going to talk about what he finds interesting.
The caller asked Howard if he's got any plans to go to Vegas to do some shows. Howard said they have no plans at this point but they would like to go out there sometime. He said that he was working with the band Staind yesterday for the karaoke contest that they have going on today. He had a lot of problems with the sound in the studio and Scott the Engineer was just sitting in his studio like a lump not doing anything about it. He said that he wants to make sure that they could pull off a Las Vegas broadcast technically before they actually go out there. Bubba went out there and had no problems according to Howard so he figures that they might be able to make that happen.
Robin said Howard was all over the place with his karaoke rehearsal yesterday and he kept changing his arrangement. Howard complained that she was sitting there watching him rehearse. He said he doesn't watch her doing her rehearsal so she shouldn't be watching him.
Gary told Howard that the band showed up late yesterday and they were supposed to have had their equipment set up last week. Howard thought that they were going to change some things for them if they wanted them to but nothing was changing. Howard said he told Gary he wanted to do songs, it's not really karaoke, so they should have been willing to change the songs if they requested it.
Howard said he was yelling at everyone about the way things were going and the band was just laughing at him telling him everything was okay. He wanted to make things sound good but it seemed like the band wants them to screw up.
Gary said he had a hot chick sitting on the couch watching him while he was performing and he was totally embarrassed by it. Howard said he invited the guys to the Jackass 2 screening but they didn't show up. Robin said that they had a business meeting and probably couldn't get out of it.
Gary said he's doing ''Gimme Three Steps'' while Fred is going to be singing Green Day's ''American Idiot.'' Artie said he's doing Pink Floyd's ''Mother.'' Robin is going to be doing ''Tracks of My Tears.'' Howard thought that one was going to be very tough. Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said he wanted to play some Crazy Alice voice mails that she's left lately.
Howard said he can see Jackass 2 making a lot of money. He explained another bit they did in the movie where they had one of the guy stick his penis through a glory hole with a sock on it. There was a snake on the other side and Johnny Knoxville was making the penis dance around so the snake would bit it. They also shaved their pubes and used them to make a pube beard for one of the guys who had no idea they were pubes.
Howard said that Fred Goldman is suing to own the rights to OJ Simpson's publicity rights to satisfy his lawsuit settlement since OJ Simpson isn't paying up. Howard ended up talking about OJ's awful TV show and how it could have been funny but it was just bad.
Howard said he had a killer tape he should have released. He said they had fans send in tapes of some crazy shit and most of them were some hard core shitting and pissing tapes. He said he had a meeting with Mel years ago about putting out the tape but Mel wanted nothing to do with it.
Howard had a song parody that a fan sent in called ''Robin's got a Squeezbox.'' The guy sounded like he was singing into a tape recorder with the music playing so low that you could barely hear it. Howard said the guy sounds like the character Rupert Pupkin from the movie 'The King of Comedy.' He played the guy's song and then played a clip from 'The King of Comedy' to compare the two.
There was a second message from Alice where she went off on Artie about his father. She said that Artie's father was a faggot. She also said that she shit on Artie's head shot in the previous call before she got cut off. She's very angry at him for some reason.
Howard said they're starting a football pool soon and they're going to have a $25,000 prize for the winner. The last time they did this a couple of years ago, Artie lost to Daniel Carver the KKK guy. Howard wanted to take one of the Wack Packers or maybe a fan to play against Artie. He mentioned Elegant Elliot Offen, John the Stutterer, Jeff the Vomit Guy, Big Foot Mark or Crazy Alice to go up against him. Robin said they could use a couple of those guys and see how they do. Howard is going to have Artie play against them all.
Howard said he can't go with Daniel Carver again. Robin said maybe Mark the Bagger would be good. Gary said they didn't put him on the list because he's hard to get a hold of. Artie offered to play for one of the fans or a charity. Gary suggested that he play for this guy Wheels who is confined to a wheel chair. Howard wanted to pick from a group of guys and figure out which one would be best to give the $25,000 to if Artie wins.
Howard talked about the last football pool and how Will and Jason had a chicken that was playing against Artie and actually did okay. The guys talked about how little Will cared about that chicken even though they were taking care of it in their apartment. Artie said that Jason became kind of attached to it though.
Howard suggested that they get a stingray to play against Artie since it's such a big news thing right now. Gary said they probably won't care about that by December though. Jason came in and said that they could keep a stingray in his apartment if they want to.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked if Jeff the Drunk could be on that list. Artie said he has no desire to play for Jeff. Gary said they could team Jeff and Artie up for the game but Artie wants nothing to do with that. Howard said they should get a Ougi board and contact Hank the Dwarf to get his picks. Henry Hill's name came up but he's in jail right now. They threw out Eric the Midget's name as well because he's into football.
Howard wondered if they could get that creepy guy John Mark Carr to do it. He was serious and told Gary to see if he could get a hold of him.
Wheels called in and told the guys that he gets about $1000 a month from SSI. He's a quadriplegic. He said he did a belly flop into a bay and the water wasn't as deep as he thought it was. Wheels said he was 29 years old when it happened and he's been trying to forget that day. He said his friends thought he was kidding and left him in the water to drown. He said he's not happy that they actually saved him though. Artie said his father felt the same way when he was brought back.
The guys ended up talking to Wheels about how he takes a shit and how he uses Senicot to keep it loose down there. He said he takes three of those pills to make it happen. He said he does have the sensation of dumping. He said he usually sits there for like an hour and 45 minutes, then rolls into the shower and cleans up. Wheels claims he can wipe his own ass but no one believed he could do that effectively.
Gary asked Wheels if he gets sex. He said he actually went out with a girl for a year and a half but they just broke up. He said he doesn't date cripples though so she was fully functioning. He said she has to get on top of him after he takes some Cialis. He said he doesn't feel anything so he doesn't orgasm but the chick can get off.
Gary said Wheels isn't one of those complainer guys, he calls into the Wrap Up Show all the time and doesn't complain about where he's at now. Howard said he just thought about something and suggested that Artie go up against Dana in the football pool. Artie said that's not happening, he's not going to talk to her every week. He said he's sure that the relationship is done now. He's not basing that on anything though.
Robin asked Artie if he'll take Dana's call if she calls. He said he would but he's pretty sure it's over now. Howard ended up doing his impressions of Dana and Artie speaking on the phone but Artie didn't sound like he wanted any part of that. Howard said that Dana probably needs the $25,000 but Artie said she'll be fine without it. Howard kept going with his Dana impression but Artie sounded miserable and didn't want to participate in the goofing around.
Howard asked Artie when he last got laid. He said it was about a month ago. Howard asked him if they could do a dial-a-date with Dana. Artie said that won't happen unless they want him out of the studio that day. Howard told Wheels that Artie will be playing for him in this pool. Artie said that even if he loses he'll feel so guilty that he'll write the guy a check anyway.
Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they think Dana will show up to the premiere. Everyone thinks she'll be there. Howard said Dana will make the call sometime before the premiere and Artie will melt and cave in. Artie laughed as Fred was doing an impression of him. Robin said that if Dana doesn't show up, he'll probably bring his mother. Howard doesn't think he'll bring anyone. Artie said he'll be walking the red carpet with people like Norm Macdonald. Howard said he's sticking by his prediction that Dana will be there.
Lisa said that she was talking to a relationship expert yesterday who said that Artie and Dana have an addictive relationship and that's why they can't get away from each other. She also said that Artie isn't the guy to have a relationship with right now.
Lisa said that they're going to be talking about who will be getting into the movie premiere next week. Artie said he's giving away tickets to friends and family. Howard said he knows that Artie is under a lot of pressure with this stuff. Artie said there's really not enough tickets for the premiere and he had to cut out a few people at work. He said he cut off JD. Howard was surprised to hear that. Artie said that JD is like the only one who is cut off. He said he may be able to squeeze him in.
JD came in and said that he's happy to be the Scott the Engineer of Artie's movie premiere. Artie said he'll fit him in somehow. JD said he keeps his expectations low so he's not expecting to go to things like this. Howard ended up goofing on JD because he wasn't getting his thoughts out about this whole thing. Howard asked him how he felt when everyone else there is going and he's the only one not invited. JD said ''I don't know...'' and mumbled a little bit.
JD said that he and Artie don't have all that much interaction so it's not that big of a deal. Artie said he used to buy him McDonald's all the time. Robin asked if Artie invited the guys from Howard TV to the premiere. He said he did but they're close friends of his. Artie said that he had to cut out Dan the Song Parody Man and that was another cut he didn't want to make. Scott and Ronnie were both invited alone because of the limited number of seats.
Artie said he invited Mel and his wife to the event but he's pretty sure he'll say no. He also thinks Scott Greenstein will say no. JD may be able to get in if they say no. Artie said he didn't invite Stuttering John to the premiere because he's out in L.A. and probably wouldn't make it.
Howard had Lisa finish up her news preview. She mentioned that the Donald Trump countdown is coming up later this week. That should be happening on Friday at noon according to what Robin heard. Lisa said they'll also be talking to Sam Simon about The Bitter Half radio sitcom that he's working on. Artie said that Sam was part of the Kill or Be Killed taping yesterday.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer was already bitching that he couldn't bring his wife to the premiere. Artie said he really can't do anything about that because of the limited number of tickets. Scott came in and said he knows a guy who might be able to get him another ticket.
Howard asked Artie if Penny Crone is invited to the premiere. Artie said he didn't invite her or any of the other news crew but they'll probably be there covering it. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Scott was out in the hall crying that he can't bring his wife. He said Scott gets this face on like he's dejected as soon as he hears he can't bring someone with him. Howard thinks that Scott won't be there because his wife won't allow it.
Shuli came in a short time later and voted yes. He said that he went out to the booths with Sal one night and it was pretty intense stuff. Sal came in and told Howard how great it is when he goes to those booths. He said he likes his chicks to be a little chubby. He described the chick as having mustard yellow hair and how she asked him for $40 but he told her he's a regular and told her to start licking the window. Then he starts whacking his penis against the glass as she's doing it.
Sal said he came out of his booth and Shuli was still working it in the booth next door. He walked around the corner and saw that it wasn't Shuli in the booth, he was reading a magazine. He was banging on some other guy's door. Shuli told Howard he picked a hot chick for his booth and had her doing some crazy stuff for him and he was done within a minute. He said there were like 5 booths there but Sal said there are actually 15.
Artie said he went to a peep booth one time but he didn't jerk off. Sal said he's gone to booths where you can see other guys jerking off. He was shocked to see a guy there one time. He gave them his ritual of going to Sbarro to get some toilet paper so he doesn't have to touch anything. He said he uses a dollar bill to open the door and touch the buttons in there. He said you finish in the tissues and throw them behind a chair in the booth. Then he walks out with his head down and shoulders slouched.
Richard came in and said that he heard about a guy who went to a booth and had a guy stick his penis into his booth while he was jerking off and he ended up kicking it and breaking it. That led to the guy getting into a fight with the gay guy and going to jail.
Howard got back to the phone calls and asked a few more people about what they wanted to happen with Staind. The first caller said he wanted the singing. Captain Janks called in and said he'd prefer if they don't sing and just have Staind perform some songs.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wants them to sing. Bong Hit Eric called in and said he would like Staind perform the Beetlejuice song but then said he would like to hear Howard and the guys sing. The next caller gave them a no vote. That caller also asked Howard who he would save if he was on a boat with Robin, Fred and Beth, who would he save if he only had a 3 seat life boat. Howard said he would save Robin and Beth. The next caller gave a yes vote so that was the one that put them over the top for the 'yes' votes. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard asked Aaron why he's going out and doing solo gigs lately. He wondered if the band is upset with that. The guys in the band weren't upset with him and Aaron said he's not trying to get a solo career going. He said he's talked about that since day one and he has no plans on leaving the band.
Howard asked the guys if it's a horrible thing to be in a band now because of the way the music industry is going. He heard that Tower Records is closing in the city. The guys said that it's tough to get played these days because there aren't many rock stations out there now. They have so many hip hop stations and other things now that it's tough to get played.
Howard brought up the Rock Star Supernova show and asked the guys if they think that it's the type of thing they have to do to make it. Aaron brought up the time that Howard had the lead singer from the band Saliva come in and sing for the judges from American Idol. The judges told the guy he was awful and wouldn't make it but meanwhile, he had a hit song. That's the kind of crap that goes on.
Howard heard that Aaron is against iPods and won't own one himself. Aaron said it's a tool that's been created to promote downloading music and it's almost promoting the theft of the music. One of the other guys said that these iPods make people fans of one song, not a whole album, because they can download just one song and listen to that instead of the whole album. The guys talked about the old days when you bought an album, opened it up, read the lyrics and listened to all of the songs. Now people don't see all of that stuff and just download one song and never hear the other stuff the band has.
Howard said that Staind is going to be recording a live show tonight and the album should be released on November 14th. He then started the karaoke contest. Artie was going first and would be performing Pink Floyd's ''Mother.'' He was going to be working with Aaron alone, without the rest of the band. Aaron played guitar as Artie sang. He didn't do all that horrible. Aaron's guitar playing was great.
Howard told Artie that was 'fuckin decent.' Gary said that Artie had his moments in there. He also thought that they were just doing short songs, not full ones. Artie said that wasn't the whole song, that was just part of it. Howard thought some of it sounded like Jeff the Drunk was singing it.
Robin got up so she could perform her song ''Tracks of My Tears.'' She said that the band didn't even want to learn her song. They played it as well as they could though. She went ahead and sang her song. She sounded kind of like she was doing her Liza Minelli impression. Howard thought she did pretty well though and he was afraid that he was really going to screw up his song. He wanted to bow out of the whole thing. Artie said he thought that was a great performance.
Howard told Robin he was looking at her singing and thought that she didn't look her age, she looks younger. Gary came in and said that everyone in there should be listening without being in the studio because it's a completely different story out there. Gary was performing ''Gimme Three Steps.'' The band seemed to know that song and Gary got into it but he probably sounded the worst out of the three that had gone so far. Howard said he felt bad for the guy who had to share the mic with Gary and smell his breath.
Howard said he didn't want Fred to go before him because he would make him look bad. Robin told him that was the order so that's the way it was staying. Howard said he was going to be changing outfits for his performance. Fred got up with the band while Howard took some phone calls. One guy said he was cracking up when he heard Robin singing. He thought that Artie was in the lead at that point. The next couple of callers thought they were all pretty bad and wanted to hear Aaron sing something instead.
Fred was performing Green Day's ''American Idiot.'' Howard had him go a short time later. After the song Howard told him he was a scumbag and told him to sit down. He said he didn't want to follow that performance. He said he was going to do ''All the Young Dudes'' which wasn't an easy one to perform. He got into his SIRIUS sweat shirt and got up on 'stage' to perform with the guys. He said that Fred had ruined it for him by doing such a good job. The band started playing and Howard made his way through the shortened song.
After Howard's performance Howard told the guys they did just fine. He knew he didn't do that great of a job but Robin thought it was actually pretty good. Artie agreed and said it was actually pretty good. Robin said he did better than she expected. Howard wondered how they should vote. He was going to take phone calls and let some people vote.
The first caller told Howard he thought he was horrible, Fred was number 1, Robin was number 2. He said Howard was actually worse than Gary. Howard agreed that Fred was the best of the bunch. He took another call and that guy said that Artie was incredible with his performance. He thought Robin was the worst. The next caller said that they're giving Fred too much credit and Artie was the best, Gary was second and Fred was third. The next guy said that Fred was great and it was the most he's ever heard him say in the past 20 years. A woman called in and said that Fred was the best and it was probably all about the song. She didn't think Howard picked the right song to perform. She also thought Robin was the worst.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he thought everyone did good and hoped to hear more. He said that Howard did the best of the group. Double A called in and said that Robin was the worst, Gary, Howard, Fred and Then Artie was the best. Another caller said that Howard was horrible and that they should all pick songs that are in the same year. He thought that Artie won that one. The next caller said that he'd go with Gary first and then Howard but he didn't hear Artie's performance. The final caller said that he thought Gary was the best of the group.
Robin was keeping score and told the guys that Artie had won by one vote. Howard had to go to break but said that the guys were going to come back and perform a song after the commercials. The guy said they had fun with the contest and they were honored to be there in the studio.
Ralph called in and said that he thought that they all sucked. He said that Robin has a lovely speaking voice but she can't sing. He also thought that Howard and Gary did good and it was a toss up between them above Robin. Then Fred and Artie were on his list and he wasn't happy with Fred's performance because he was too high pitched. He had to pick Artie as the winner.
Howard played a voice mail message where a guy complained about Ralph sand asked that they never play anything else with him in it. He went to break right after that.
Howard got back to the guys from Staind and asked them some questions. He asked Aaron about smoking weed. Aaron said he doesn't drink so he might smoke a little bit. He said that helps him get through the pressure of touring and all of that stuff. He said he's got a family he leaves behind when he goes out touring so he has to drown that out with something. Aaron said that they have about 22 hours of monotony before they do a show so he has all of that time to think.
Howard had the guys perform a song for them a short time later. The guys performed the song ''Everything Changes'' from their album ''Chapter V'' which also includes their cover of 'The Beetlejuice Song. Howard gave them a plug for their upcoming album ''Staind The Singles'' which will be out on November 14th.
Howard told them that was beautiful and that's what happens when you miss your kids. He said they've still got it. There were no drums on that version of the song so they lost their drummer for a short time. Howard asked Aaron if he was uncomfortable doing something like that. He said it wasn't all that bad, they just wanted to try something a little different today.
Howard took a call from a couple of guys who wanted to talk about how much they like the band. Howard asked Aaron why he smokes instead of eating pot brownies or something. Aaron said it's a completely different high when you do tit that way. Howard asked Aaron how he travels from town to town with his pot. He said he does that very carefully and joked that they carry it on the crew bus. Aaron said he was just joking and they would never do something like that.
One caller wanted to know what songs the guys were going to be performing tonight. They said they hadn't figured out exactly what they were going to be doing yet. They were going to figure it out this afternoon. Aaron said that he might do a version of piano man that he does on guitar. Howard wanted to hear that right then but Aaron said he didn't have the right tuning on the guitar so he'd have to come see one of their shows sometime.
Howard asked Aaron if he's going to let his kids smoke pot when they grow up. Aaron said he thinks that it's the lesser of two evils and he will eventually tell them that. It sounds like he'd prefer that they smoke pot instead of cigarettes. Howard said he tells his kids that he'd prefer that they don't smoke it and that it's illegal. Howard wrapped up with the guys and went to another break a short time later.
Howard got in some mentions for the top 10 countdown with Donald Trump and also mentioned the Intern Show that's airing tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Howard said he'll be giving away some tickets for Artie's movie premiere this week as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there's a better version of ''All the Young Dudes'' out there but he thought Howard did a good job. He said that Iron Maiden did a cover and did a great job on it. Fred wasn't able to find it in his library so they couldn't play it.
Sal came in and said that the Kill or Be Killed that they taped yesterday will air on September 26th. Gary came in and told Howard that yesterday Sal did something to him at that taping that was very odd. He said the comedians are supposed to get heckled at the comedy show. He said that he went back stage and saw a guy with Cerebral Palsey who he was going to have to heckle. He didn't want to do it but he didn't have much of a choice. He said he had to throw out a bunch of comments about his act and made comments about his CP. Gary said he was so embarrassed that he ran right out of the club.
Gary said the guy's arm was stuck out so they wanted him to make some comments about putting a watch on because it's time to leave comedy. He didn't use that one though.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard what his problem is with Steve Irwin's job. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with it, he was just pointing out how dangerous it was. The caller was saying that there area lot of dangerous jobs out there and people swim with stingrays all the time.
Howard said he didn't have a beef with Steve Irwin but it was just a matter of time before the guy got hurt. Shuli said that the only question was which animal was going to kill him. Howard said he would be sad for a circus performer if he fell off the trapeze but he wouldn't be surprised by it. He wasn't surprised that Steve Irwin was killed because he did so many dangerous things.
Howard said he resents the e-mails saying that he's a cold human being just because he points out how that job Irwin had was eventually going to lead to trouble. Shuli ended up doing his impression of Elegant Elliot Offen for the guy.
The caller also wanted to know what Fred was up to so Howard played Fred's theme song. The guy wanted to know how Fred feels about the Steve Irwin thing. Fred said the guy didn't deserve to die but he's not surprised that he was killed. He said it was surprising that he wasn't killed by a crocodile though.
Howard mentioned that Howard TV is available in a few new markets on Charter Cable now. He mentioned some of the new markets which included Los Angeles, St. Louis, Fort Worth, Newton CT, Greenville SC and others. He said the On Demand programming is available through on screen ordering.
Howard mentioned a few of the shows that are available on Howard TV right now. There are a bunch of shows that they recorded before vacation that are now up there. They also have some classic stuff on there from back when they were at K-Rock. They have the Voyeurdorm.com girls show, and the Beetlejuice show where he gets depressed and Richard brings him around to make coffee back stage. They also have the 'Stuck on You' show with Jeff the Drunk handcuffed to a woman. Doug Goodstein mentioned that and a couple of other shows they have up there now. You can find more show listings at Howard.tv.
Howard played a clip of Katie's plea for help with the sign off. He came up with a few more of his own while listening to that. He had Fred playing some Blue Iris clips and Crackhead Bob stuff. Artie suggested ''Ariva Derci Cocksucker.'' Steve Langford said that he just drops off at the end of his reports instead of having something strange to say. He just says ''For Howard 100 News, I'm Steve Langford...''
Steve went through his rundown of what they had coming up on Howard 100 News today. He mentioned the countdown show that's airing later this week with host Donald Trump. He also said that they'll have an interview with Arnold Zanker who Howard mentioned on the show yesterday. The Beer League premiere will also be a story during today's news.
Howard let Steve go and said that he had found the version of ''All the Young Dudes'' that the caller had mentioned earlier. He said he liked that version. After that he had Jon Hein start his show preview. Jon mentioned a bunch of the stuff that went on during the show today that they'll be talking about during the Wrap Up Show today.
Howard also had Steve the Intern in to talk about what they had coming up on The Intern Show tonight at 7 on Howard 101. Steve said they have Artie's new buddy Jackson the Intern on the show to talk about staying at Artie's apartment. They have other interns to talk to as well so tune in and check that out. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
Richard Christy came in and said that he'd be willing to put his pecker in a stingray tank until it got stung... for the right amount of money. Howard told him that he might lose his penis that way. Fred played some of the sounds that Richard made the day he got waxed so we'd know what he might sound like when he gets stung by a stingray.
Howard took some other phone calls and let Shuli get in some plugs for the upcoming shows that the Killers of Comedy will be doing soon. He said you can check out revboblevy.net to get more info.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought the show to a screeching halt when he tried to explain a game he had for the show. Howard had to hang up on the guy because he couldn't seem to get his thoughts out.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was checking out the odds that are listed on a gambling site for the upcoming season of Survivor. The guy asked Howard if he had a guess for who was the long shot out of the ethnic groups. Howard figured it would be the blacks but he wasn't sure. The caller said it was actually the whites. He gave Howard a quick rundown of the other odds but Howard said he really didn't care.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started off the show saying he was listening to the Steve Grillo radio show. He told Robin he started playing it for her 2 days ago but didn't get through much of it. He explained how Grillo used to be an intern there and he used to make his potato every day. Grillo eventually left the show to do some other things but he had worked there for 4-6 years according to Gary.
Gary said that Grillo wanted to work at the radio station with them but they really didn't have any money for him so he had to leave. He said he was sorry they had to part ways but he understood that Grillo had to go make money. Grillo changed his mind at the last minute but they had already hired someone.
Artie remembered the time that Howard dedicated his book to Grillo and he had him read the dedication on the air. Grillo didn't even know that Howard had done it even after reading it.
Howard said Grillo went out and became an electrician but he didn't like that so now he's back in show business. They gave him a radio show recently so that's what Howard was listening to. He said that Grillo's show is movie reviews for the younger generation since he doesn't understand Roger Ebert and guys like that.
Howard played some audio from Grillo's show and pointed out that he doesn't finish all of his thoughts. He reviewed 'World Trade Center' and said he didn't like that someone came out of the disaster laughing. Howard and Fred started doing their impressions of Grillo after listening to a few seconds of his show. Howard played a little more of his review of the World Trade Center movie and kept goofing on the guy.
Artie said that maybe this younger generation will enjoy his movie and get a good review from him. He also mentioned that Roger Ebert probably won't be getting better for a few more weeks so he won't have to worry about getting a bad review from him. He said that Richard Roeper has put out this great book called ''Sox and the City'' as well. Robin knew that Artie was just saying that trying to kiss his ass to get a good review. Artie laughed when she brought that up.
Howard played a clip of the opening of Grillo's radio show where he explains what he's going to be doing on his show. At one point Grillo says that his last name has been bastardized into ''Gorilla, Grillo...'' so Artie picked up on that and goofed on him about that. Grillo talks about the World Trade Center movie a little more and says he thinks it came out at the wrong time but he also says he liked it and cried during the movie.
Howard said Grillo managed to get an interview with Jodi Foster for his radio show. He explained that Grillo was working on a movie and somehow badgered her to do an interview. She was supposed to call in at one point and didn't call in until four hours later. Grillo stuck around the whole time waiting for the call though so he did manage to get the interview.
Howard started to play more audio but Gary interrupted and said that TMZ.com was reporting that Paris Hilton was arrested for drunk driving last night. Howard said he didn't think that was breaking news but he did read the story and spent a minute talking about the story. He read that she was found to have a .08 blood alcohol level when she was arrested. That led to Artie talking about going out drinking one time and having about 30 shots of liquor and he tried to take a break for over an hour before driving home. He ended up driving home and getting caught doing 50 in a 30. When he got pulled over he was still at a .18 blood alcohol level.
Howard got back to the Paris story and read that Paris was with Kimberly Stewart last night. He read through that quickly and then got back to the Grillo show. He played the segment where he interviewed Jodi Foster. He did have her on the show but he didn't do much with the interview. Howard was already bored with the interview after just a few seconds. He was going to bail out on the whole thing but Robin wanted to hear more of it.
Howard played more of Grillo's interview with Jodi Foster and talked about how they should give him another show after hearing this one.
Howard said Cabbie called him yesterday and asked him to call into his test show that he was doing on Free FM. Howard said he didn't do that because he had to go to bed after watching Rockstar Supernova. He said it may not have worked out very well for Cabbie because he probably would have opened up about what went on over there. He dropped that and got back to the Grillo interview with Jodi Foster. Howard said he was flabbergasted when he heard Grillo doing the interview with Jodi.
Howard said Grillo used to do stand-in work on The Sopranos and they eventually let him do a scene on the show. Artie didn't remember that episode. Gary said he played the part of a kid who was trying to be a mobster and got into a fight with one of the regulars on the show, Max Casella. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to continue playing the Grillo interview but Robin still wanted to hear more.
Grillo asked Jodi about her directing of a movie and said ''soon'' twice in the same sentence so Howard picked up on that and goofed on him a little more. Artie even started doing an impression of Grillo after a Howard and Fred were doing theirs. They picked up on every little thing Grillo said wrong. Howard said he was already exhausted from laughing so hard at this interview.
Gary said that Grillo's rating system was actually by potatoes since that's what he used to make for Howard when he was working there. Howard and Fred had been goofing around saying that's the type of ratings he would give, not knowing that's exactly what he was doing. Howard played a clip where Grillo explained that one of his guests had left their phone on so he was going to ''bastardize him'' later in the show. Howard and the guys laughed their asses off at that dopey comment. Then Grillo gives the World Trade Center movie a 2 potatoes out of 5 rating.
Artie said you have no idea if the movie he just rated was good or bad, even with the rating. Grillo was telling New Yorkers not to go see the movie because it was too heart wrenching.
Eric told Howard that he sent Will a note about what Howard would have to do to get him to fly with balloons. Howard told Eric that they had Paul Newman flying with balloons on Letterman's show so it can be done. Eric was saying that the guys on Mythbusters proved it can't be done.
Howard said they want to do it the same way they did it on Letterman. Eric said he would do it that way but not the way Howard wanted to do it. Howard told Eric that if he doesn't do it their way, they're not going to do it at all. Eric was silent for a few seconds and it sounded like he might be crying but he was just staying quiet.
Artie told Eric that this guy Wee Man in the Jackass crew was dealt a crappy card in life but he has embraced it. He told Eric he should do the same thing. Eric said he doesn't want to be like that guy though.
Sal came in and said that they made a prank call to Eric the other day and Eric won't let them play it. He said that he's being a real dick lately. Eric said that he asked Sal not to prank call him anymore and he didn't listen to him. Sal said that Blue Iris made the call on her own and she was just trying to help him out. He said she called and said that she could help him stretch out his cock but not stretch out his legs like he wanted.
Eric gave permission to play the clip so Howard went right into it. Blue Iris called Eric and told him she could help him get bigger by sucking his cock. Eric kept hanging up. Eric told her he was trying to sleep and to leave him alone.
Eric was calling Blue Iris an old bat and complaining about her calling him. Howard told him not to be so angry at her. He also asked him if he wanted to come to the Beer League premiere. Eric told Artie that he really didn't think the movie was going to do well because he was going up against a movie with The Rock. Howard was going to hang up on him but Eric said he would think about going to the premiere. Artie said if he flew into the Ziegfeld theater, it would be great.
Howard played Artie's karaoke performance of Pink Floyd's ''Mother'' from yesterday's show. Howard thought he was good but it was funny seeing him up there with his belly sticking out. He also thought the one guitar thing was a good idea.
Howard told Robin he didn't think she did all that bad. He played her song and said that she's so cute when she sings because she gets so into it. Robin said she was really into it and she could do it well if she could actually sing. Howard couldn't get past staring at her tits because they're still so big even after she had them reduced years ago. Howard told her she was doing good as he was listening to her song.
Gary asked Howard if he goes on YouTube.com because that site is blowing up like crazy. Howard said he's not happy with sites like that because they host video of his shows that they're not legally allowed to. That led to the guys talking about how big the web has become and how you can do so many cool things. Howard said he's been playing chess on the ICC web site and it's amazing that you can do stuff like that.
Artie said he doesn't understand what's going on because people take video from places and just post it without permission. He had people telling him that they saw his movie trailer on YouTube even though it had just aired on Howard TV. They just recorded it there and put it up on the web. Artie said it's actually great because it let even more people see the trailer.
JD came in and said that there are some great clips on YouTube like one of a woman crying over someone calling her a douche bag. Howard said there's one video of a fat kid screaming in a roller coaster as his mother is laughing her ass off at him. He said it makes you feel bad for the kid.
Howard said the guy went to Opie and Anthony for some comments and they were saying that he expected everyone to follow him over and they just didn't. Howard said that those assholes only had 30,000 people sign up for their show when they were an additional charge at XM. They're still on satellite and still have no listeners.
Artie said he thinks that a realistic number for Howard's listeners is probably more like 2 million but that's an amazing number for something that people have to pay for. Howard went off on the reporter, Matthew Flamm, saying that he's not sure where he gets his numbers from but they've got to be wrong. Howard said that his fans have been coming over in droves and they haven't stopped signing up.
Artie thinks that there's more enthusiasm for the show than ever and this guy should have come with him to Pittsburgh to see how rabid the fans are out there.
Howard told Gary to get this guy on the phone so he can ask him where he got his information and some questions about this article he wrote.
Howard said that Doug Stanhope is going to be stopping by later today to hang out. Artie said that should be cool because he'll have the freedom to say what he wants. He said he was funny on regular radio but on satellite he's probably going to be great.
Howard had another clip to play but this one was of JD on the Wrap Up Show making no sense and not being able to get his thoughts out. JD said he had a long day that day and he knows he's not the most articulate person in the world. The guys talked to him about that for a few minutes and talked about how dumb he sounds. Howard asked him if he went to college. JD said he went to a technical school for audio and video editing. He also claims he got about a 1010 on his SAT scores. Artie said he only got like an 840 or something like that. Gary told him that KC only got about a 720 on his so he shouldn't feel so bad.
Artie talked about how was told that he was probably going to end up homeless if he kept doing what he was doing after high school. Howard said his parents put him through a bunch of things trying to get his scores up in the SAT tests. He said that he went to these Stanley Kaplan test classes and it was the most boring crap he's ever gone through. He said his scores didn't end up going up so the class was a waste of time.
Gary said that KC was the only person he knew who didn't have a great SAT score but didn't pay a cent to go to college because he was a good football player and got a scholarship. Artie pointed out that KC is now homeless though so when football doesn't work out for you, there's not much else if you don't do well in college.
Howard talked about how he was told he had to get involved in a club during school so what he did was sit down and talk to all of the kids in the Key Club. He said that he was willing to go out and do some real work for them if they let him in the club. They let him in but the cool kids wondered how the hell he got into it. He said he started out by dressing up as Santa and going out to ring a bell but that was the last thing he ever did. He never went to another Key Club meeting after that.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the SAT tests and how they really just prove that you know how to take tests. Howard said the questions don't really effect the way you live you life. Howard said he would get stuck on a sample question and he's not even sure how he managed to get over 1000 on his tests.
Howard said he thinks that he is the major factor in SIRIUS' turn around but Matthew doesn't think that he's brought in all of those listeners. He thinks that Howard has promoted the service like crazy but he didn't bring in those 4 million subscribers who have come on since he signed on. Howard wondered where he gets the statistics from. Matthew said he got them from an analyst who said it's more like 1 million, not 4 million.
Matthew said he asked around inside SIRIUS and he was told that Howard brought in about 1.5 million subscribers. Howard said that's quite a jump from the one million he quoted in the article. Howard asked him to explain how, on the retail level, that XM has lost a third of the market and SIRIUS has gained all of that. Matthew said that he did credit Howard for that turn around but Howard didn't think he did.
Howard told Matthew that just because SIRIUS doesn't give out his numbers, it doesn't mean they're bad. Matthew said that from what he's been told, that's the number he got. It doesn't mean that his pull isn't stronger than that.
Howard said that he thinks that there is way more people out there signing up for SIRIUS because of him than what the analysts are saying. Matthew said that he was basically saying that since he moved to satellite, he's starting over again and he has to go out and make some noise to get more attention for himself. Howard said he thinks that he has already made the noise by moving to satellite.
Matthew thinks that Howard may have to go out and do more things to get attention. Howard said that maybe he does but he's actually cut back on the amount of publicity he was going to do because the radios are selling themselves. Howard let Matthew go a short time later and thanked him for calling in.
Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about how they feel working there at SIRIUS. They're happy there and it doesn't matter if they don't have the huge audience they used to. Howard took a call from a radio installer who said that almost everyone who gets a SIRIUS radio at his shop in Connecticut gets it for Howard. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that they were doing that rap about the cool clips flying around on the web. He said Jason has posted links to some of the stuff they were talking about up on HowardStern.com.
Howard said that up on PerezHilton.com they have pictures of Lindsay Lohan's vagina and it looks kind of odd. Someone described it to Howard as looking like a small boy's penis. He said that it really does look strange. Artie went over and checked it out and agreed it was kind of weird. Robin looked at it and said that she does have some hanging lips there.
Howard suggested that Lindsay wear some panties from now on. He said he'd keep that thing covered up. Artie said she looks really good on the cover of her album but there are a lot of people out there who don't think she's that good looking. Howard said her looks aren't her problem. The problem is that she's dopey.
Howard said that Gary's anniversary as a producer of the show is coming up and he's been with him for 22 years now. JD came in and told Howard that he saw Brent Bozell on a talk show and they had under his name ''MRC.org'' which may be where he's going to be working instead of that PTC thing. Howard had no idea what JD was talking about and moved on.
Howard read an article about that goof and the reporter thought it was very mean and poorly planned. FOX Sports offered an apology to the guy but no car yet. Howard said that if you want to goof on people, you call C-Span like the guys there do.
Howard played a new prank call that the guys made using clips of Wood Yi and Mark the Bagger. They called a show and had them asking about sucking cock and things like that. The host would just hang up and move on without responding to the calls.
Howard said that Richard and Sal have been calling the public access shows and goofing on those guys as well. Richard called this one guy and had his voice echoing over and over again. The host of this show knew that it was the guys from Howard's show so he told Howard to come to the hood and help them out in Harlem. Richard called back with audio clips of Mike Walker and then Blue Iris clips. The host wondered what was up with those white people and what they were doing to his show.
Gary said that Artie was out in the hall talking to Jackson the intern about how he had to go to Philly tonight and he won't be getting home until late. Then he has to fly out tomorrow to Cleveland after the show. All of that was booked before they planned on working tomorrow.
Artie said that he knew that Jackson's apartment wasn't going to be ready until next week and just wanted to let him know he won't be around this weekend to put him up.
Lisa G got to her news preview and said that they'll have a story about the Top 10 best show that Donald Trump is hosting this Friday. You can vote for your favorite moment at SIRIUS.com/votenow. Right now the Cookie Puss segment is getting the most votes. That led to Howard talking to Fred about it and talking about how Fred is in great shape these days. He's been doing some boxing and stuff lately to stay in shape.
Lisa said that they'll be talking to Fred about some of the stuff that he's been upset about with the show lately. Fred isn't happy with some of the stuff that Richard has been doing on the show like using that penis machine. Howard told him that's one of the most requested moments on Howard TV right now.
Gary said that they're keeping an eye on Fred to see when he walks out of the studio. Fred said that he hasn't been walking out on segments unless he has to pee or something. Howard let Lisa go after that and got in a plug for that Top 10 Bits thing they're doing.
Howard played more of Robin's performance and she started to get pissed because ''those assholes''(Staind) didn't sing along with her. Howard played some of Gary's performance and some of Fred's. Fred said that the mix really was off during the performances and they had the guitars way too low. He told Howard that if they had the mix right he would have sounded even better.
Howard played some of his own performance and then Robin started to get pissed at Howard for doing this to her for the past 25 years. She said the worst thing they ever did was put a recorder under her desk at DC 101 and caught her singing off key there. That led to the guys talking about the things that have happened there at the show for years. Stuttering John once had Robin sing for one of his songs and took the raw tape to play on the air. Fred played that clip where she sounded pretty awful.
Howard played Robin's karaoke performance of ''If it Makes You Happy'' from one of their other karaoke shows. Robin really seems to hate that performance. Howard took a call from a woman who said that she thinks Robin just picked the wrong song to sing in yesterday's show. Robin thinks she won't sound good singing any song.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Robin she sounded fine but Artie, who she's not talking to, sounded awful and so sad. Artie said he likes Mariann but she doesn't like him for some reason and she must be out of her mind.
Howard said that Wendy has some ability to do some technical things like making 3-way calls and stuff but she is retarded. She called a waffle house and asked if they serve sausages. They hang right up on her or asks her to call back later. Howard said they've talked to her about making calls to people who don't know her but she keeps calling the same places who know who she is. Wendy spoke to one woman at the waffle house and asked her if she likes to suck pussy. The woman hangs in there for a short time and then hangs up.
Artie said that his local pizza place knows him so well all he has to do is tell them who it is and they tell him how long the order will take. His order consists of a chicken cutlet sandwich with oil and vinegar, a side order of broccoli raab, 4 slices of pizza and a liter of Pepsi. It's usually about 20 minutes.
Artie was saying that Doug is great in the movie ''The Aristocrats'' while just about everyone else is unfunny. He said Doug tells the joke that everyone else tells in the movie, to a baby. He said it was the only original thing in the movie. Artie said that the movie was awful and he wasn't able to watch it. Gary brought in Doug even though Howard wanted to go to break first. He went off on Gary about that even though it wasn't really his fault. Fred played a Baba Booey song parody while Sal stood there with a sign over his head. Gary went after Sal and punched him. He also got a hold of him and then let him go which led to him flying backwards onto the floor. It let out a loud cracking sound when it happened. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard goofed on that guy for a short time and then played a new prank call that Sal and Richard made. They called a hair place to schedule an appointment to get a pussy weave done. The woman they were speaking to had no idea what they were saying. Richard played the wife and got on the phone to tell the woman what he wanted to get done.
Howard had Gary bring in Doug Stanhope after those clips. Artie said that he's worked with Doug on the road and he's a great comic. He had his girlfriend with him this morning so Howard asked if that was for real or if it was a bit he was doing. Doug said that he's been with this chick for over a year now.
Doug said that he and his wife split up right before he got together with this new girlfriend. He said he was married to a chick for about 2 weeks and he's still not sure what her name was. Howard asked some questions about his girlfriend Bingo. Her head was completely shaved so Howard asked what was up with that. He said she's probably be really pretty with hair but she was pretty good looking even without it.
Doug said he met this chick about 8 years ago and they messed around back then. Bingo said that Doug sodomized her when she was about 22 years old. She explained how she had gone to the comedy show and ended up hooking up with him that night. Doug said that he doesn't remember giving her anal that night but she claims he did. She was saying that he may not have known what he was doing at the time.
Bingo said she thinks that he's very smart and he must have known what he was doing. Doug said that was after a night of drinking a lot so he really doesn't remember what he did. She claims that he never put his penis in her vagina that night, it was only in her ass. She said it wasn't the first time she had that done to her either.
Doug said they lost touch over the years but eventually hooked up again about a year ago. Howard asked her how she ended up in a mental institution like Doug was claiming. She said that she was diagnosed with a few different things including OCD and turning herself orange after eating nothing but carrots. Doug said she was eating tortillas with about 4-5 packets of Nutrasweet on them for a while.
Bingo said that she's medicated now and doesn't have to just eat one thing anymore. She can eat various things now. Bingo said that her friend put her into the hospital after she did some crazy stuff. She said she would look for sharp corners or nails in her house to bang her head into. Fred was playing some banging sounds so Bingo asked who was responsible for them. Howard pointed Fred out to her.
Doug said that Bingo thought she was pregnant with a sloth inside her and she actually sent out baby announcements to her friends and family. She said she thought it was actually a moose she was pregnant with and sent out pictures of what a baby moose might look like. Artie said he would have just thought it was a joke if he got the baby picture like that.
Doug told Howard that he's had a vasectomy so he's not worried about getting Bingo pregnant and having a screwed up kid. Bingo knows that the two of them shouldn't have kids. Howard asked Bingo what the craziest thing she's ever done was. Doug said that he once found her wandering around naked with paintings on her head. She said that she used to do things when she was growing up where she would write on herself and not even realize that she was doing it. She would write stuff to remind herself who she was so she wouldn't forget.
Doug said she once rolled up on her talking into a banana like a telephone when he went over to her place. Howard asked him if he was going out with her just for the comedy element. Doug said he did have to question himself about that. He was also saying that she went on a small crime spree one time but he can't talk about it because she was never caught.
Artie said that he was put in a mental hospital a couple of times and they put him on lithium which he really hated. He said people would look at him and there would be no emotion there. Bingo said when she was on the stuff she was pissing herself and just not caring about anything.
Doug said she once painted the driveway in bright red and glitter but that was pretty recent. Doug said she's had a lot of episodes like that. Artie said that she's almost in syndication now because she's had so many episodes. Doug said he was banging her from behind during a football game one time and he was watching it while looking at a guy who she was kind of looking like with her shaved head and all. Howard asked Bingo if she's got nice boobs. Doug said they're tiny but she said they're also very perky.
Howard gave the two of them some plugs and Doug mentioned that you can check Bingo out at Myspace.com/AmyBingaman. Howard said she was a delightful person but when Robin asked him if he'd go out with her, he said ''no way!''
Howard found out that Doug has a small penis but he seems to like to pull it out and show it to people when they take pictures of him. He said some of his pictures ended up on a gay web site and he noticed because a lot of traffic was being sent to his web site from that gay site.
Gary came in and said that there's a nude picture of Bingo up on her Myspace account but it's so odd that you barely notice that she's naked. Her face is painted and very odd looking. Bingo said that she doesn't put the pictures up on her account, Doug does that for her. She knew it was up there but it was kind of bothering her that she had 51 50 written on her head.
Howard asked Doug about going over to Ireland and getting booed off stage. Doug said the whole country was miserable at the time because of some stuff that was going on there. He said he made a reference to the story they were upset about and they got pissed at him and booed him off stage after he basically said the women there were too ugly to rape.
Doug also said that he did a show in Scotland where he was going to bring up the last act but this woman came up to him and went off on him for some stuff he said about the drug Ecstasy. He brought it up on stage and she ended up collapsing and ran out of the club a short time later. He brought up this comedian and went out to have a smoke. The woman who he went off on had gone out to get a couple of guys to beat his ass. The two guys got up on stage thinking it was him. They were ready to beat the crap out of the other comedian while he was out smoking. Someone came out and warned him so he could get out of there before he got killed.
Howard asked Doug about the stuff he did with the guy from Girls Gone Wild. Doug said he did just one or two things for them. He said he wasn't happy with the royalties he was getting and bad mouthed them on Howard's show one time. He said it's not worth going after Joe Francis for more money because it would cost him so much.
Doug said he moved away from Los Angeles to Arizona to get away from that kind of stuff. He's living with Bingo down there now. Howard had some of her music so he played a little of one of her songs. She said she's all over the place with the style of her music. Artie said she's got a great voice.
Howard read that Doug is running for President in 2008 and he kind of likes his platform. Doug asked Howard if he's going to run. Howard said he won't be running but he knows that if he was President, he would make a better one than the one we have now.
The guys were talking about the use of drugs and what they've done over the years. Doug said he sometimes might need a little coke to get him through a 3 show night or something like that. He said he once did a show where he took mushrooms and it was horrible. He said that if everyone else in the room was on 'shrooms he would have been fine. Artie said he used to do Ecstasy to do shows to get him through it. Howard said that it's not really fair to the audience but both Artie and Doug said that sometimes the audience likes to watch a train wreck better than a straight show.
Doug told Howard that he's 39 years old now and he's kind of tired of sex. He said that some days he doesn't even want to jerk off if he's wearing a pair of pants. Artie said he knows what he means because he feels like he's bothered when he gets so horny that he has to jerk off.
Howard said he doesn't even jerk off anymore but that's probably because he's getting enough sex from Beth. Doug said he used to do it just out of pure boredom. Howard asked Bingo if she jerks Doug off while they're just sitting on the couch or something. She said she will give him a lubricated jerk off. Doug isn't a big fan of oral sex unless it's really good. Howard said he's not a big fan of the oral either and he actually prefers sex with a condom over sex without it.
Howard asked Bingo if she's going to be at Doug's show tonight in Philly. She said she will be there and Doug said that she may have to do the show because she's the one getting all of the press on the show. Howard gave Doug a plug for his upcoming shows down in Philly after that.
Howard asked Doug about doing The Man Show on Comedy Central after Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla left. Doug said he hated that and he knows he ruined the show. He said he still gets mail these days about how he ruined it.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Doug what was up with him saying ''fuck the audience'' when he was talking about doing drugs earlier. Doug said he doesn't cater to the audience because it doesn't work if you do that. Another caller said that when people are paying money to see him he should care about them. Doug doesn't seem to care either way.
A caller asked Howard if Bingo would ride the Sybian. Doug told her what it was about and she said she would do it. Howard wondered if she would get off on the thing. Doug told Howard that she will get off because she was once ''soft raped'' by his mushroom dealer and she had an orgasm that time.
Gary unwrapped a new attachment for the machine and put it on for her. Bingo got on the machine a short time later after Gary gave her a quick review of what she needed to do. Gary started off the machine at about 30 percent power. He jacked it up a little more and Bingo said it was kind of nice. She asked him how fast it goes so Howard had him jack it up more and more. She was getting into it and wondered if she was supposed to orgasm. Doug told her that if she doesn't, it's back to the rubber room.
Howard said Bingo was shaking and she was starting to breathe heavy. She kept it going and did finish. Gary said that her eyes were tearing up. She said it did happen for her. Howard said he could tell it was a genuine thing. Gary told him that the veins in her head rose to the top when she finished and that was her tell. Normally the girls eyes flutter when they get off. Bingo said it was even better than sex with Doug. Doug said he can hear her telling her family that she only came once on the show.
Howard said it was very erotic to see her doing that. The caller that requested she get on the thing seemed to be pleased with what had just happened. Ralph called in and said that was nice having a crazy broad on the Sybian. He asked if there were pictures of her up on his web site yet. Howard said they didn't have any yet. He had to go to break a short time later. Doug was going to stick around to hang out during the news.
Doug Stanhope and Bingo came back in a short time later and Doug was saying that she was embarrassed that she had just cum on the show. Howard asked Doug what he was talking about when he said that Bingo had been soft raped by his mushroom dealer. Doug said they went to this old hippie guy to get the mushrooms and he invited her out to go to some drum circle or something. Bingo said that this was one of the first things she had done socially on her own after having her problems.
Doug said he told the old guy that she had just fallen in love with him and that was probably the wrong thing to say. Bingo said that the guy brought her to his house and there was no drum circle, he was all alone. The guy was showing her his rock collection and that it was his birthday the next day. He asked to give her a massage as a gift to himself and for her. Howard said he would never let his girlfriend go off with some guy, drum circle or no drum circle.
Bingo said that the old hippie guy had a table set up for a massage so she thought it was legitimate. She asked him how far he wanted her to disrobe so he told her to get completely naked. She's done that before to get massages so it wasn't a big deal at that point. She was starting to get it by then but she really didn't think anything was going to happen. The guy then started to massage her and he was just awful with his technique.
Then Bingo felt his dick on her ankle so she knew he was now naked. She said she didn't want to look so she kept her eyes closed. He turned her over at one point and she was horrified. She said she shut down and then he grabbed her clit after climbing on top of her. She said he was shaking her clit and did enter her with his hand. He didn't stick his penis in there though. Fred then threw in the BINGO song for her.
Bingo said that the guy tried to kiss her but she kept her mouth and eyes shut. She then told him that she had to get going and ran out. She said the guy never finished as far as she knows. She never looked though so she wasn't positive about that. That's what Doug was calling the ''soft rape'' since the guy didn't really go all the way with her.
Doug said Bingo came home after that and she was completely mortified. She started hot glue gunning her shoes to her walls to take her mind off of what had just happened. She said she did orgasm when the guy grabbed her clit. She said she wasn't proud of that but it's true. Doug said he still uses that guy to get mushrooms from. He said he had a talk with the guy and told him that his girlfriend wasn't into it and it was wrong. He wanted to kick the guy's ass but he just couldn't do it.
Howard said it seems like the guy was shaking her clit like it was a piece of steak or something. He couldn't believe that Doug was still using the guy for getting mushrooms. Bingo said that she and Doug have had logical discussions about the whole thing and she didn't think the guy knew what was going on at the time. She said she never said 'no' to the guy when he asked her to do things.
Artie said that he would freak out if someone did something like that to his girlfriend. Howard said it seemed like Bingo kind of got off on the whole thing because she did orgasm when he grabbed her clit. She said it really wasn't erotic and she was horrified by the whole thing.
Howard had Robin start her news after those stories.
Penny said that she's won Emmy awards but everyone puts her down because they were local awards. She told Howard that he should say that Steve shouldn't have his own desk and he should stop saying that he's the greatest reporter ever. Howard said he always talks about how great Penny is. Doug said he loves Penny on Howard 100 News but Howard thought he had no idea who she was when she came in.
Howard told Penny to be a man and suck it up already. Ronnie came in and said that Penny called him a ''Jew midget'' the other day and he's not sure what's wrong with her. She was upset that they bust her balls there at the show all the time. The guys there call her a man and joke about her having a penis and stuff like that. She doesn't think it's fair. She asked if they could just lay off of her for a month. Even Sam Simon has been goofing on her.
Doug said that you'd think that if you worked for the Howard Stern Show you'd get a thick skin immediately. Penny asked Howard to please just ask people to stop goofing on her. Howard told Gary to give Steve a bigger desk and Robin said they should put a sign on it that says 'World's Greatest Reporter.' The guys were laughing their asses off at Penny but she was still asking for a little respect.
Ronnie said that Penny wanted to hear by saying that Steve was the worst, George Flowers was horrible and Lisa G doesn't belong in there. Penny was upset that Shuli sat in on the show yesterday. Penny said she thought that they were friends and she wishes that Howard would back her up in all of this. Penny said that 'Mel Karmazahn' said to her that when they bring her name up in this restaurant he goes to, he loses his appetite. Howard told Penny that just because they bring other people in there, it doesn't mean that they don't like her.
Howard let Penny go a short time later and went to commercial break. About 10 seconds into the break Howard got right back on the air because Penny had come back in. She said she didn't want to be on the air so she was ready to walk out again. She was goofing on Artie about having his mother's food in his refrigerator. Then Sal was holding a sign over her head so Howard asked him to stop with that.
Penny asked if she could have a private meeting with Howard. Howard told her to talk to Gary about that. Gary told her to come see him and they'd schedule something for 2007. Howard got back to his break after that.
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Howard started off the show mentioning that he was live this morning. He said they were in there discussing wether or not they would bang Paris Hilton. Howard said putting his penis inside hot chicks is high on his priority list so he would have no problem doing it. Gary said he hates her but he would bang her. Artie said he's the same way and would probably finish in 4 seconds.
Howard said Artie looked miserable this morning and asked him about his day yesterday. Artie said he went down to Philly yesterday after the show and did an interview on NPR with some old hippie looking chick. He did that for about an hour and then went to a bar called Dave and Busters where about a thousand reporters interviewed him. He said they weren't from any big papers though.
Artie said he went to a sports show after the bar appearance and did that. Then he hosted a screening of Beer League but the fans were all drunk. He thought he could go home after the screening but then he had to go back to the bar to host a party. He tried to sleep in the car and then he got to the bar and signed some autographs until midnight. He got home at 2 in the morning and got a couple hours of sleep. Today he has to fly out to Cleveland after the show.
Artie said he thinks that doing these appearances really helps with the promotion of the movie so he has to do it. He's also doing this work to make money because he does get a piece of the movie if it makes money. Howard said that Artie is like Steven Spielberg. That led to Artie saying that he heard from some fan on the Wrap Up Show that when Howard does his impression of Spielberg talking to his black son, that's one of the best parts of the show. Howard said he almost had a run in with Steven out in The Hamptons not too long about but the guy ended up just ignoring him so there was no problem.
Howard said he remembers a guy who used to work out at the gym and how he worked on just his triceps while letting the rest of his body go. He said the guy was chubby and he would only work that one thing so they were the only good looking part of his body. Artie figured the guy might have to do that for his job but Howard said the guy was a doctor.
The doctor would work his triceps for a full hour and not do anything else. Howard said people would come up to him and ask him how to work them out after seeing how good they looked. People would think he was some type of expert or something. Howard said he once asked about how he could get rid of his chicken neck but the advice wouldn't work.
Howard pointed out that Ryan Seacrest got an interview with Paris Hilton after her DUI arrest because he's such a safe interviewer. He had some audio from the interview and Paris really doesn't seem to care or have any remorse for what happened. He played the clip where Paris explains what happened that night. She said she was in her SLR Mercedes and may have been speeding a little bit on her way to a burger place after having one drink at a party she was at.
Paris said that there was no DUI charge after all. She said they didn't arrest her, they just brought her down to the police station to get her away from the Paparazzi that were around that night. Howard said that it's really disturbing to him that Ryan Seacrest has a popular radio show because he's everything that he's tried to get away from in the radio business.
Howard asked Artie how many DUIs he has. He said he's got 2 but he knew a guy who had about 7 and got his license taken away from him for 12 years. The guy was always looking for ride after that.
Howard took a call from a cop who said that Ryan Seacrest should be ashamed of himself for putting Paris on his show like that because he's seen so many drunk drivers kill people. The cop also said that he's never seen anyone blow a .08 from just one drink. Robin said she saw that the drink was a Petrone vodka and pineapple juice. Robin asked why Ryan wasn't asking the cops if Paris was actually arrested or not. He just took Paris' word for it. The news reports were all saying she was booked.
Artie told a story about a friend who was driving drunk and ended up getting his head stuck in the steering wheel while trying to steer with his head. He eventually drove through a bakery store window. The cops that showed up started giving him a sobriety test and asked him if he knew the alphabet as they were cutting his head from the steering wheel. The guy just told the cops to arrest him.
Howard ended up giving the cop on the phone some tickets to the Beer League premiere next week. He spent a couple more minutes talking to the guys about Ryan Seacrest. He wondered if they would rather be someone like Ryan who can get an interview with Paris and be all safe, or be like Howard Stern. Robin said that Ryan isn't having any trouble sleeping and he's doing fine with his career. Howard said he really doesn't care about that kidn of stuff anymore since he's done with terrestrial radio.
Howard said he started that Weirdo Inc. Thing back when he was making about $30,000 in Washington DC. He actually took a pay cut when he went there. He was making about $50,000 in Detroit. When he went to Washington his accountant suggested he get himself incorporated so that's when he came up with the Weirdo Inc. Thing. The next thing he knew he was filling out all kinds of forms and crap like that. He said it was a big headache and there really wasn't any kind of tax break for him.
Howard noticed that there was an audio clip of Brian Dunkleman talking about Ryan Seacrest on the Wrap Up Show one day. Jon Hein told Howard what that was so he played the clip. Dunkleman talked about how much he disliked Ryan when he was working with him on American Idol. He said Ryan has been bad mouthing him since the day he left that show and he really doesn't like him. Howard said that he's told Brian that he never should have left that show, he should have stuck with it as long as possible.
Howard wondered if Ryan has banged Paris Hilton. He's wondering if he's ever banged anyone since they had a chick on the show who claimed that he used to sleep in the same bed but wouldn't have sex with her. He said if he was in bed with a hot chick, he's going to want to bang her even if he's not in love with her. Maybe he just doesn't know what it's like to be a good looking guy.
Howard said that Gary played him a Mystery Record this morning and he was able to guess it right on his first try but he wasn't even trying to be serious. He said it was a remake of a Neil Young song. He played the song and had the rest of the guys try and guess who it was. It was a female singer. Howard let it play for a minute. Robin took a couple of guesses but didn't know who it was. Fred tried, didn't get it either. Artie had no guess because he has no idea who it could possibly be. Howard said that it was a new singer who is making a living at singing.
Howard had the guys guessing but no one was coming up with anything. He said it was actually Alexa Ray Joel, Billy Joel's daughter. Robin said it wasn't bad. Howard said she's got some original songs on the album as well as the cover of that Neil Young song. He played another clip from the album and said she has a bit of a Norah Jones sound to her. Howard wasn't sure how he guessed her name when Gary played that song for him. It just popped into his head.
Howard also said he wants to find the guy with the most DUIs in this country so he can talk to him. Richard Christy apparently knows about a guy who has 8 of them so that's the most at this point.
Howard said he had some sad news about one of his early sponsors, Roselli Moving. He said that one of the Roselli guys passed away and his family asked him to mention his name on the air.
Howard said that FOX Sports has made good on giving that guy they goofed on a car after they gave him a toy car as a goof. He said it was a scumbag type of move so they came through and they're going to buy him a truck of his choice.
Howard had another call where Richard used that echo effect that he mentioned earlier. He called a public access show and had his TV turned up so there was feedback and complete chaos there. He called back a short time later and said that he had his anus removed and now poops out of his penis. The hosts kept him on and weren't sure what to say. Then he called in again and told them that he had his penis stuck in a mouse trap. He was just about every call they took.
Howard said that they may have to do a marathon show where they play his calls because they've been so busy doing that stuff in the back office. He said they may do that on Monday. They sit back in their office doing that stuff all day long.
Howard brought up their Thursday meeting and how Richard is always bringing up gay stuff to do in those meetings. He wondered why it always turns gay when Richard brings stuff up like that. Richard said he once suggested that they have Screech (Dustin Diamond) do a show where he might have to get naked so they can see his huge dick.
Richard also had a game he wanted to play where JD would get like $100 per phone number he gets at a bar. Howard kind of liked that idea but if JD loses he has to get naked which isn't something anyone wants to see. There was another idea where Richard and Sal were going to do something where they take laxatives and the person who shits last is the winner.
Richard's also given some ideas for sticking his dick or ass in a fish tank with stingrays. Howard told Richard that if he gets stung in the dick with a stingray, he could lose it. Howard said that Richard's grammar is awful and he sends these ideas about taking laxatives and stuff. He explained how Richard wanted to have a device set up that would keep the smell of their shit down so no one would be overwhelmed by the smell. Howard said they're actually going to do that bit sometime soon.
JD came in and said that Richard always has ideas for him. Fred played his techno theme music and Richard started to dance with his naked belly rubbing on him. Howard mentioned that Eddie Van Halen was supposed to be calling in at this time but he had to take a break first. Richard told him that Sal had a new call to play so he might want to get to that one.
Howard played the calls where Sal and Richard called a black talk show host and asked him questions about big black cock and things like that. They were almost every caller and they kept bringing up the cock thing over and over again. Sal was calling in and just saying one word... 'Cunt.' He got in about 4 or 5 of those.
Howard asked Eddie how he's feeling these days. Eddie said he's feeling great now. He talked about how he beat his cancer of the tongue without chemo-therapy. He said that what he did was kind of illegal in this country so he can't talk about it. Howard wondered what that could possibly be. Eddie said that he started a lab in Smithtown, Long Island to help people out. It's called McClain Laboratories. He said it was something that he worked out with this Dr. McClain.
Eddie said that he's 100 percent cancer free right now and he's not just in remission. He said that he's gone in and killed the cockroach that is cancer in his body. Howard said it would seem that it would be pretty important to get a cure for cancer out there if that's what he has. Eddie said he doesn't want to end up in jail for doing what he did to get rid of the cancer. Howard didn't seem to understand what he was saying here.
Eddie was saying that cancer is a muti-dimensional disease and there are many things you have to do to get rid of it. Eddie said that he's missing a third of his tongue after they butchered him before he started this cancer lab.
Eddie claims that smoking didn't cause his tongue cancer. He started to explain how the metal guitar pick he used to hold in his mouth is probably what caused it due to him being in an electro magnetic field in the studios he works in. Howard wasn't sure if that could be true or false but he was going to take Eddie's word for it.
Howard asked Eddie what he's been up to these days. Eddie played a few notes on the piano he was sitting in front of and said that's his main instrument. Howard asked him if he would ever get back together with David Lee Roth. Eddie said he's open for anything at this point and he'd do that. He did say that David is a loose cannon but he could handle the loose cannon.
Howard asked Eddie if he still likes Michael Anthony because he's out touring with Sammy Hagar. Eddie said that it's not a matter of him liking Michael, it's more about Michael liking him. He said that the two of them are out billing themselves as the other half of Van Halen when it's really his brother that's the other half of Van Halen. Eddie said that they're even playing all of his songs out there. That makes them a cover band and not the other half of the band.
Howard asked Eddie what he's worth these days. Eddie said he doesn't do things for monetary reasons but he did say that they've probably sold over 100 million records. They had a crappy deal in the beginning so they didn't make a lot of money back then.
Howard asked Eddie about this porn movie he wrote songs for. Eddie said he doesn't call it a porno, he calls it a sex film. Eddie said that it's kind of like Braveheart with sex. Howard asked him if he's out there banging some chicks now that he's single. Eddie said he is banging a chick and her name is Janie. She's not a model but she is a press agent. He said they met at a press conference. They've been together for about 2 months now. She was sitting right there with him in his studio.
Howard asked Eddie if his son has been getting laid. Eddie said that his son is playing drums, guitar and now bass. He said the kid is fuckin dangerous with an instrument. He said he's amazing on all of those instruments and he's really amazing on bass. Howard asked Eddie if he's getting laid. Eddie said he's pretty sure he is but he knows for sure that he's spanking it. He and Valerie have joint custody of Wolfgang and he gets to see the kid every day.
Eddie said that he and his brother jam with Wolfgang and they spend a lot of time playing. Right now he's back in school so he's not there this morning to play. Eddie said the kid has a lot of homework so he wants to tell his son to get someone else to do it for him so he has time to play.
Howard asked Eddie if he'd go back out on the road with Sammy Hagar. Eddie said he's open for anything but there's a new Van Halen coming about and that Van Halen involves his son. Robin asked him if his son can sing. Eddie gave her an ''Uh huh...'' and Howard said it sounds like he wants to replace Michael Anthony with his son. Eddie said the name Van Halen is going to go on way after he's gone because his son is just a natural. Howard asked when they're going to let him have a career. Eddie said he's ready to embark on a solo record and it should be out soon.
Eddie was saying that there aren't many bands out there who play live together these days. They all use 'ProTools' and then they can't play live and make it sound like it does on the album.
Howard asked Eddie about this porn movie again. He had the producer of the movie on the line with Eddie. The guy hadn't said a word for the first 20 minutes of the phone call though. Eddie said he's put some money into this movie and they actually shot it at his house. Howard asked him if the chicks in the movie bang to his music. He said it's not all about that, it's a real movie.
The movies are coming out next week and they're putting out two movies. One is an X-rated movie called 'Sacred Sin' and the R-rated is called 'Rise.' Eddie said that they got some hot chicks for the movies after joking that they got some ugly chicks.
The producer of the movies said that Sacred Sin is coming out on September 13th. The other one is coming out next year.
Howard asked Eddie what he thought about David Lee Roth's radio career. Eddie said he actually predicted that it would last 4 months and he got it right on the money. He doesn't like to see someone fail like that so he's not happy that David didn't do that well.
Gary came in and asked some questions about David Lee Roth needing money. Eddie said that they make a lot of money from touring so they don't make it all from record sales. Gary thought that sales of the Van Halen catalog would make him enough to live on. Eddie said he's not sure what Dave spends his money on so he's not sure about that. Eddie said that he's a pretty simple guy himself so he reinvests his money. He told the guys about how his family came to this country and didn't have a lot of money. He wasn't always ''Eddie Van Halen.''
Eddie told a story about how his father used to take he and his brother around performing and he would get money in the hat he'd put out and then he'd just give him a few bucks from it. He'd ask his father what was up with that and his father would tell him 'Welcome to the music industry...'' That's how he learned about that.
Howard let the guys get in some plugs for their web sites and stuff. Michael Ninn mentioned that you can see some teasers on YouTube.com and through NinnWorx.com.
Howard let them go after that and said that Eddie has been calling back and forth for months now and it was a whole saga to get him on the show. Howard played some of the music that Eddie wrote for this adult movie they were talking about. Howard still couldn't figure out exactly what the movie was about and how it all came about.
Howard said that Van Halen could make so much money if they went out on tour but it sounds like there's a lot of trouble there with Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar. It almost sounds like Eddie is starting to like David Lee Roth because he dislikes Sammy Hagar so much. Artie said it must be nuts to be around David Lee Roth for 24 hours a day. They talked about the time when the band got back together a few years back and how David Lee was stealing the spotlight like it was all about him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was scared for Eddie after hearing that interview. He said the guy sounded nuts talking about some of the stuff he was talking about. The caller said that he actually saw Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony recently and they really should get back together and make millions by going out on tour again.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She told Howard that they will be taking votes until 10:00am today for the Top 10 show. She mentioned that they'll be talking about the football pool which they're going to be starting today. She said they'll have reactions from people like Scott Ferrall. That led to Howard talking about how Ferrall is able to pick college football games really well. Artie said he's been at 80 percent so far this new season. Will came in and said that he posts his picks on ScottFerrall.net each week. Artie said he'd like to go with his picks for the football pool. Howard said he'd make that happen.
Lisa G said that they're going to be reporting on Artie's movie promotion and the upcoming premiere next week. Artie is still thinking the movie isn't going to do as well as everyone thinks.
Howard went to Elegant Elliot Offen next. Elliot said he has a great pick but he wishes that they were asking him about his area of specialization which was some crazy shit he rambled off. Howard and Robin told him no one cares about that stuff. Elliot said that his pick was for the Dallas Cowboys + 2 points. He was yelling into the phone and giving them his picks as if he knew something about football. He was wrong about the +2 though so they told him that it's actually +1. Gary said that Elliot can't possibly know anything about football so someone had to have told him about this stuff. He was screaming at Robin and cursing her out before Howard let him go.
Howard got Crazy Alice on the phone next. She said she really needs that money too. Artie started in on her right away. He was giving her some F-yous and stuff like that. Alice said that Howard should have let her on the phone before Elliot so their ear drums wouldn't hurt. She was going to go with Cincinnati +7. Artie told her that she was wrong because it says 'even' not 'Seven' like she thought. Alice and Artie ended up going off on each other a little bit.
Howard said that he was sorry to hear about Alice killing cats when she was little. She said that she only did that because her father beat her with a belt and a switch. She was going to stick with Cincinnati because she says she knows nothing about football. Howard asked Artie if that was a good bet but Alice said Artie always loses so he knows nothing about the game just like she does. Artie's pick was going to be for the Arizona Cardinals for this weekend.
Steve said that all of those nature guys out there, like Steve Irwin, are just trying to get close to nature and close to death. Howard said that he's been talking about Steve Irwin's death and saying that it's not a surprise that he died because they do come close to death.
Howard said that at one point in Jackass 2, Steve O puts himself out as shark bait and almost gets bitten by a mako shark. Steve said he had to kick away that shark and if he hadn't, he may have lost his foot. Howard said he thinks that one of the Jackass guys is going to get killed eventually as well.
Steve said he wasn't making fun of Steve Irwin but he is doing similar things to what Steve Irwin was doing. He messes with nature and he would love to see the footage of him getting killed because that's got to be like the Faces of Death videos. He said that's what he's out there doing and when he heard that Steve Irwin had the footage of that shit, he wanted to see it.
Howard asked Steve who he's banging these days. Steve said he's been locking bitches out of his house because things have gotten so crazy. He said he went into a health test recently and spent eight grand on it. He found out that his penis was fine and he had no problems with that but he's got the heart of a 90 year old and he probably won't live past the age of 40. Steve said that he went to a heart specialist after that and found out the other guy was full of shit and he's just fine.
Howard and the guys saw the new Jackass movie and all loved it. Robin said that she thinks Bam is her new favorite person in the Jackass series though. Steve said his career is starting to go again and he's going to be in 2 movies, a TV show and he's got his own shoes and a clothing line going on. Howard told Steve that he thinks that the guys are pushing the limits so far now that someone is going to get killed. Steve said he agrees and that's why he's starting a career as a stand-up comedian now.
Steve said that they have over 40 minutes of deleted scenes from this latest Jackass movie that they could actually create a movie out of. Howard asked Steve if he got a good deal on this movie. Steve said he didn't sign anything on the first movie so he didn't see anything until the DVD release. He was also saying that if this movie makes a lot of money, he'll make a lot of money. Howard asked him how much he made on the first one. He said he made about $450,000 on that one.
Steve was saying that his father was the president of Nabisco when he was growing up so he actually grew up a rich kid. Artie sounded pretty surprised at that. Howard was saying that he thinks that Steve had to have banged Paris Hilton because of the way he defends her. Steve said he didn't do that but he did jerk off in Nicole Richie's bed three times in a row. He said that she was awake during two of the three times but he didn't land them on her. He never banged her though.
Robin asked Steve O if he's ever done anything gay with the other guys. He just said ''Oh come on!'' He said he once kissed Chris Pontius' penis right on the head one time when they were really pushing the limits back in the beginning. Steve said they're not really doing homosexual stuff, they're trying to get rid of homophobia by doing that stuff.
Howard told Steve he's got to get back in there because the last time he was on they were throwing darts at his naked ass. Steve apologized for not having a better career going at this point because he would really like to be on the show more. Steve said he wants to come on the show and fuck himself up some more for the show. He thanked Howard for having him on and said he'd be in on the 19th to do some more crazy shit. He said he can't wait to get in there. Steve also got in a plug for the DVD ''Ultimate Predator'' which just came out and is put out by a friend of his.
Robin said that she was shocked to hear that Steve thinks that he was in the same business as Steve Irwin was. Howard said that's what he's been saying all week long. They do the same stuff but one guy called himself a conservationist and the other guy calls himself a jackass.
Howard and the guys talked about how great the Jackass movie was. Richard said it was non-stop laughs through the whole movie. Richard loves that kind of stuff and that's why he does the stuff he does on the show.
Howard said Sam was saying that he provided some jokes for the movie and he wasn't even invited to the premiere. Artie said that was an oversight and he is definitely invited to the premiere, he's on the VIP list. Howard said he still thinks that Dana will show up at the premiere so Artie said he will take a bet on that if he wants. He said he still hasn't spoken to her since the last fight.
Howard said Beth bought a dress for the premiere and it's barely a dress. He said that this one will probably only come out once. Robin will also probably dress up for the movie. Artie said that Cara Buono will probably get all decked out as well. He said he thinks that Ralph Macchio might have bought a suit for the movie as well.
Artie apologized to Sam for the invite screw up because that pisses him off as well. Jason said that Sam was so angry last night when he was talking to him. He said he actually threatened to leave last night because of it. He was angry at Artie over the whole thing. Jason also said that Sam played him some of the Bitter Half show and he was laughing his ass off at what he heard.
Jason said that Sam told him that Norm Macdonald called him and wanted to hook up with him in the city. He was also saying that Sam thought that he and Artie were real friends but he just forgot about him. Howard said it's so funny at these events because you really don't have control over this crap. Artie said Sam has every right to be pissed today because he did put time into the movie and he was overlooked.
Howard had an audio clip of a weatherman doing a report and while he's doing it a cockroach crawls up his leg and he freaks out. He was doing the weather down in Florida and completely freaked out when the roach crawled up his leg. He screams like a little girl. Howard said it was a dude but Artie and Fred weren't so sure about that.
Artie told the story about doing a gig with Robert Schimmel at an outdoor event up in New England. In the final 10 minutes of the show a Brown Recluse Spider walked up Bob's neck. The cops that were hanging out with Artie told him that it was this poisonous spider and if he got bit, he'd have about 10 minutes to live. A woman in the front row started yelling at him to get it off so he freaked out and started to bash it with his microphone. He said he was eventually able to get the crowd calmed down because they didn't want to sit down after he brushed the thing out into the crowd.
Richard Christy came in and said that he knew a guy who got bitten by one of those spiders and he almost lost his leg over it. Richard also said he's got problems with centipedes in his apartment. He said he had one run at him last night and it really freaked him out. He bashed it with his gym bag. He was also saying that he had problems with cockroaches when he was living in the warehouse down in Florida. He had one run right across his face one night when he was trying to sleep.
Howard asked what's wrong with that guy after listening to the song. Robin said that the last time he was there he was very depressed and had stopped singing. At least he's back to singing now.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that this is what it took to get him to call back in. It's his first call to Howard's show since the big CBS lawsuit. Howard told him that he was part of the all request weekend last weekend. He may be part of the Top 10 list this weekend as well.
Vinnie said that he's got about four more songs and they're the worst that Mark has ever done. He played one of them over the phone for Howard. He said they all start the same way. The song he played didn't sound so great on the phone so Howard told him to send them into the show so he can play them there. He had to hang up on him because he couldn't hear him telling him to send them in.
Artie was saying that Rescue Me and Entourage are really well done shows. He finds it hard to believe that Howard isn't into that Entourage show. Howard said he's into Smallville and shows like that. He's also enjoying the Blade series on Spike TV. Artie threw in another plug for Richard Roeper's book and Robin still thinks that he's doing that to get on his good side so he can get a good review for his movie.
Howard replayed the weatherman freaking out on air audio clip. After that he played the Gary Garver interview with Rosie O'Donnell. He said that she knew there was something wrong as soon as she did the interview. In the clip we hear another person interviewing Rosie about what she thinks of ''Nip/Tuck.'' She explains how she got the job on the show and what her character is. Garver tried to get in to get an interview but she knew he was up to something just by looking at him. He asked her if she was friends with Howard Stern and she went silent. Rosie told the guys that the camera crews could continue to ask her questions but the guy with the radio wasn't going to get anything. Rosie told Gary that she didn't enjoy his face and she wasn't going to talk to him.
Garver went back later and tried to get another interview. He asked her why she didn't like his face. She wouldn't answer. Howard said Garver has no idea that he's weird looking. Artie said he's got a face like a catcher's mitt. Howard played a third clip where Gary tried to get her to answer questions. Rosie told him he was being rude but he hadn't even gotten the chance yet.
Rosie was telling Gary that his face had the look and intent of harming her so she didn't like him. Some other guy there told Garver to tell Howard hi for him but no one was sure who that was. Howard thought Rosie was a little mean to Garver there.
Howard said that this guy Richard Chamberlain used to be on TV and there were always rumors that he was gay. Now he's come out of the closet and he's 900 years old. Garver got an interview with him and asked him how he's changed the world. Richard said that when he did the Dr. Kildare show he helped get the enrollments in medical schools to go back up after they had dropped off. Howard said he doesn't believe that for a second. Garver also asks him if it's time that Jews forgive Mel Gibson. Richard said that it's time to get over the hate but he did think that his movie The Passion was awful.
Gary asked Richard Chamberlain if he thinks that homosexuality can be cured. Richard said he believes it's something that happens in nature and it's not always 'curable.' Gary asked Richard if he's had a gay experience. He said he has actually. Gary had no idea the guy was gay. Then Gary asked Richard if he could name his favorite Howard Stern moment from the past 20 years. Richard said he loathes his TV show but he thinks that Howard is actually very bright and interesting after seeing him doing some interviews. Howard said that's when he fakes those interviews to make it seem like they're normal. Garver thanked Richard for the interview after that.
Howard said that when he did that 60 Minutes interview he should have just taken a shit on the show to show the real Howard Stern. He had some other Gary Garver interviews and wondered which ones he should play. He said that a lot of these old comedians have a good sense of humor until his name comes up. Howard played one clip where Garver interviewed Jackie Bissett. He asked her how she has changed the world. She didn't have much of an answer there. Garver asked her when the right age is for a young girl to get implants. She doesn't believe in them. He also asked her if she thinks her tits hurt her career. She said no to that and said that they probably helped her career. Garver asked if she thinks it's time for the Jews to forgive Mel Gibson. She wasn't sure about that. Garver then asked her the Howard Stern question and she couldn't come up with a favorite moment because she doesn't listen. She thinks that he goes a little too far with his show. Garver threw in a question about having a gay experience and she answered no to that one.
Howard said he had to take another break but he had a bunch of other interviews to play. He said he could sit there doing this stuff all day long. He loves it. Robin said that Bubba was talking to women yesterday about what they've done with their dogs sexually and he was blocking out their voices with a synthesizer. That led to them talking about how Bubba had done the 'calling the puss' thing on his show recently. Howard said that maybe they could put a phone in a girl's puss, put peanut butter on it and have a dog answer it.
Howard said that he's getting a lot of comments from people about the karaoke contest. He read one about how Robin blasted Artie's singing even after she failed and sounded horrible. There were other people telling her to stop whining about the way she's goofed on every time they do those contests. Someone asked why there are no pictures of him singing with Staind. Howard said there are pictures and he thought they were put up on his web site.
Jeff said he was the only one who advertised for him but Artie told him he was out of his mind. Ralph called in and said that Jeff is kind of gross to look at and it's ridiculous that he's complaining about this stuff. Ralph told him he probably would have been invited to the movie premiere if he wasn't such a dick about everything.
Jeff asked why he wasn't in the football pool because that's another bullshit thing. Howard said that the world doesn't revolve around him. Howard asked Jeff if he's still at work. He said he was at work as he was speaking. Jeff wanted to put his manager on the phone so Howard could talk to him. Howard asked the guy how Jeff has been so far. The guy said he's been good so far and he has to open the back door for vendors when they show up. He's also been taking out milk crates and garbage.
The guy said that Jeff made him listen to his CD with his songs and his performance with Willie Nelson. The guy said they just started locking the back door for the vendors and it was a pain in the ass so they really could use Jeff to open the door. Artie said that Jeff could be replaced by a windy day though.
Howard let the guy go but Ralph was still on the phone and told Howard that he used to have a woman working there who used to let a dog lick her private parts once in a while. Ralph wouldn't say who she was but she used to work for the show.
Howard said that Bubba seems to be really busy with his show and stuff because he's doing all kinds of shows and stuff. He was supposed to be having a party but that ended up getting canceled so she wanted to get in on the premiere instead. She said she would even get naked at the premiere if she had to. Gary asked her if she would ride the Sybian. Howard got a picture of her from the guys and said that she really was hot. She said she would even blow Artie when Howard asked her. She said she's been thinking of him since he broke up with Dana.
Howard said that this chick could be Artie's date at the movie. Artie said he's not taking a date to the movie but she could come if she wanted to. She's willing to do just about anything if it has to do with nudity. Howard said they have to get Bubba involved in this and have him doing something strange with her. She said that she would be willing to ride the Sybian as long as it doesn't end up on Howard TV.
Howard had Mutt from SternFanNetork.com on the phone and he was saying this chick was nuts and the meet and greet is still on for Thursday. She said that's not what she was talking about, it was a special Wednesday party that she was referring to.
Howard got some more pictures of this chick and said she really is hot. Artie said they would probably look good together at the premiere. He doesn't think they're going to allow her to get naked there though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bubba appears to be putting some weight back on and he may be under a lot of pressure or something. Howard said he'll be in next week so he'll talk to him about it then.
Howard asked the woman if she would get naked on the show on Wednesday morning. She said she wanted to think about it but Gary told her that she can't do it. She said she'd be willing to do it if she can cover up her private parts while riding it. They agreed to it and said that she can wear a skirt if she's topless on the machine. She agreed to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he watched the 9/11 special that's on Howard TV. He really liked it. Doug Goodstein came in and said that the show is very special and they did a great job with it. He said people will be surprised at how good it is.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if they could get any tickets to Artie's comedy show at Carnegie Hall instead of his movie premiere. Artie said he probably won't be able to get the guy in. Then he said that he would get him in but just one ticket. Artie said that people are buying tickets at ridiculous amounts for his shows and it's putting a lot of pressure on him. He said he wishes they would stop paying such high amounts for his shows. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line after that so they could play his weekly gossip game. Howard had him get right into his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said they have a late breaking story about an arrest that was made where the cops used the word Bukkake in their arrest report. Howard thanked him for that and let him go. He had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Eddie Van Halen's interview from earlier in the morning. They'll also be talking about Artie's movie premiere and how Artie seems to be handling all of the details himself. Jon said they'll also talk about the football pool that started today as well. Howard let him go and had Robin start her news after that.
During the news Howard revealed that he once had a ''super famous'' chick (unnamed) grab him at a party, take him upstairs to a bathroom and blew him. He didn't even know her personally until that night. He refuses to say who that person was but he said that Ralph knows. Ralph called in a short time later and asked if he was thinking of the same thick. He knew the right woman and gave Howard a 'Hey now!'' for scoring the blow job at the party.
Artie said he had a friend who jerked off in church one time and he decided to confess to the priest over it. He went into the confessional and when the priest heard what he had done, he started smacking the guy around and kicked him out of church.
Ralph said that Howard had a whole weekend parade of women that particular weekend. He was laughing his ass off since he knew all of the details while no one else does. Howard said he just happened to hit the jackpot that weekend. Howard said he's not on that sexual frenzy anymore, he's not the same person he was back then. He said that was back around the time his show was sucking because he was putting all of his energy into banging chicks.
Ralph said there were at least 3 chicks that weekend that Howard had. Howard said there was actually a fourth. Howard said that one of the chicks that weekend was the one who gave him the best blow job he's ever had in his life. Ralph actually told him to slow down that weekend because he was going way too fast.
Gary came in and said that he used to talk to Ross about those nights when they were going out partying and he'd hear how Howard would go out at about 9 and he'd be home by 10 or so while everyone else was partying after midnight. Ralph said that Howard's table would always have people surrounding it when they'd go out because things were so crazy.
Sal came in and said he thinks that he knows the name of the A-list celebrity he was talking about. He thought it was Pamela Anderson. He remembered Howard talking about one woman he dated who used these things called snake bites that she put on her nipples. He said he saw Pam Anderson talking about those one time and that's how he figured it was Pam.
Howard explained the snake bites things and how this chick was rubbing her boobs and wearing them and asking him to bang her. He said he lasted about a second and blew the moment with her. Howard said that chick was the one who gave the best oral he's ever had. He said she soul just drop to her knees when he walked in the room and pull it out so she could blow him.
Gary came in and told a story that he's told before about banging a chick and she threw up. He said he took this chick home after going to a bunch of bars. He said he was doing her doggy style and she was kind of lethargic at one point but then she started to get really active and then he heard the liquid hitting the floor. He said she was really cute and he ended up banging her again after she went out and pulled out a bed in the living room.