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Howard started off the show talking about staying up to watch the Survivor finale last night. He was tired because of that. He said he had to tape The Sopranos and hasn't seen it yet. Robin said it wasn't that good in her opinion. Howard said Ronnie told him that it was a great episode. Robin said that the only good part was Joey G on The Sopranos. She told Howard that Joey really kissed a guy on the show and he's apparently known the guy since they were kids.
Robin and Howard spent some time talking about the show. Artie said a few words and he was having problems with his voice so Howard figures that's because he had just shoved a Devil Dog down his throat and that's why it sounded odd. His voice cleared up a short time later so that must have been what it was.
The guys were trying to figure out how old Jimmy is. Gary figured he was over 40 but Artie said he thinks he's about his age or maybe a year younger. Gary said he has to be over 40. Gary said he got a note from Jimmy's people and they told him that he's the only late night talk show hots whose ratings have gone up this season.
Howard heard that Artie was eating a chicken sandwich in Scott the Engineer's studio before he came in this morning. Artie said he did and then he came in and had the Devil Dog for desert.
Howard noticed that he had a view of Benjy that he didn't want. He said he was all sweaty and pimples were popping out of his head. Benjy thought it was kind of hot this morning. He said he thinks that the wetness might be from his shower. Howard asked him if he dried off after getting out of the shower. Benjy said he was just in the shower like 15 minutes ago.
Howard spent a short time goofing on Benjy about the sweat. Artie said that Benjy sometimes wipes himself down with a piece of paper instead of a towel. Fred was handing Benjy a shirt that he left under the table. He also told Howard about some of the stuff that he had under his table. There was a picture of Jesus, some wine vinegar, contact lens cleaner, oxygen mask and a bunch of other weird shit.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Benjy joined the gym that's in the building. He also heard that he hasn't been there yet. Benjy said he has been there. Gary also goes there and Benjy said that was one of the selling points. Howard asked Artie if he's joined the gym. Artie laughed and said that he's got a gym in his building that he could use if he wanted to do stuff like that.
Howard said they tried to get the guy on the show but Gary had trouble tracking him down. Gary said he got in touch with the guy and told him they wanted to have him on the show. He got a call back on Thursday night and said that he was calling him back because he's a man. Gary said he didn't get that but Star said that he wasn't going to come on the air with them. Gary said the conversation was kind of odd. He said he repeated the line about being a man three times and he still didn't get it.
Howard said that he must be at war with them or something because in the paper today there are some comments from Star where he calls him ''Howard the Coward.'' He also claims that he's close to being the next Lenny Bruce. Howard thought that was pretty amusing and said that Lenny Bruce was a little more creative than this guy is. Lenny wasn't threatening to rape a 4 year old child.
Howard said he likes hearing stuff like that about other DJs who think that they're his caliber. Gary said that the whole reason Star called him back is because he doesn't want them to be able to call him a pussy for not calling them back. Artie said that if the guy was a man, he'd come on the air with them. Howard said that every one of these guys is driven nuts that he doesn't know who they are. He said that it used to drive Bubba the Love Sponge crazy when he would say he didn't know who he was. He said he really didn't know who he was though.
Howard said that Star's radio station must be yanking down his billboards now. He said that they must have done something with his picture to make him look thinner because the guy is actually a fat guy. He figures that they must do the same thing to him as they do with Oprah's pictures to make her look thinner.
Howard took a call form a guy who said that Star's billboards were taken down immediately after he was fired from his station. Howard said that K-Rock's billboards for David Lee Roth are still up and he's been gone for weeks now. Howard would love to get a billboard up of a black guy chasing a kid. He was also talking about putting up more and more billboards with Star's name on them. Even though the Star and Buc Wild show is gone, they could still advertise it.
Howard figures that Star will have to take a couple of years off like Opie and Anthony did after they were canned. He was also saying that it's a weird fantasy to be thinking about peeing and cumming on some kid's face like that guy did. He said it was an interesting story though and he liked seeing that the guy was fat when he saw him in the paper.
Artie said that he is an odd shaped fat guy. He described him as looking like and odd shaped apple. Howard noticed that Benjy was out of his sight. Benjy said that he lowered his chair and that got him out of his line of site.
Howard said that they were torturing the guy and they just kept going. Howard figures that Richard and Tracy were the only two watching that show.
Howard said that he went to his agent's roast on Saturday and it screwed up his whole weekend for him. He was asked to say a few words about his agent but he's not good at roasting people so he was going to just make a speech about him. He started to write stuff down about him on Thursday and tried to come up with some funny jokes about him. Fred and Richard helped him out and sent him some jokes for him.
Howard said that he wrote some stuff about his agent's beard being kind of gay and stuff like that. He called Beth with the jokes and she wasn't laughing. She figured he wouldn't have a sense of humor about the jokes and there was no reaction from her. Artie said that chicks don't dig mean jokes like he was telling her.
Artie wrote some stuff for Robin and she was afraid they weren't going to work but they did. Howard said that he was obsessing on the roast the whole weekend. He said that he eventually decided to not care and just wing it at the last second. Robin and Fred thought that Howard was brilliant but he didn't think he was.
Howard said that he was joking about how he wasn't able to get to his new house because he had to be at this party. He joked about Don's beard and about the hat that he wears all the time. He was also going to read his client list and joke about that. He said he could have joked about him managing Hulk Hogan, now that he's out of wrestling.
Howard said that he was relating his career to the stuff that Don was doing while he was busy working. He ended up talking about what a great guy Don really is. Jay Thomas was the host of the show and he did a great job according to Howard and Robin. Howard said that he's much more comfortable talking on the radio than he is in front of a crowd. He and Robin said that Artie is great at stuff like that so they said some nice words about him.
Howard said that Jay was ripping on him saying that he thinks that Don is a great guy but if he stops making the money he's making, he'll never get in touch with him again. Howard said that Jay was really funny busting on him about various stuff.
Howard thought that Mel Karmazin was even funnier than he was. He said he hates that Mel is funny like that. Robin told Howard that Mel was funny but he was on par with him that night.
Ronnie came in and said he was getting reports from Mike who wasn't sure if Howard was going to go or not. Howard said he decided to go at around 8:15 and planned on having a drink or two. He went down there and had about 7 hot girls sit at the table with them. Lonnie had the girls coming over and hanging out with them.
He said that Ronnie was telling him that wine puts him to sleep so Howard ended up changing his drink to vodka and club soda. He said he had about 5 shots of that and it put him under the table. He said he had a horrible headache the next day because of the drinks. He had the best time there though. He said he was there until about 11 o'clock. Those five drinks went down in about an hour.
Howard said that his plan was to get drunk on Saturday night but he ended up doing that on Friday. He said he went to Nobu on Saturday night and just wanted to go home. He was going to go to Bungalow 8 but figured it was best not to go since he's not single.
Artie said he took his mother to Nobu for the first time and she loved the place. He also took his mother out to see ''Jersey Boys'' and said he had a great time there. Howard said he saw Dennis Rodman at Nobu on Saturday night as well.
Gary was at Nobu and there was a table of really hot chicks sitting nearby. Howard said that the chicks were so hot and Gary was getting annoyed because he was so distracted by the girls. Howard said he was enjoying what he was seeing and wanted Gary to shut up for a minute. He said he told Gary to just turn around and look at them but Gary wouldn't stop talking. Gary said that he didn't think that all of the guys at the table were looking at the girls but Howard figured they were. Howard said that if Gary were a man, he would have checked the chicks out and shut up.
Howard said that he ended up having a conversation with Rosie O'Donnel at Nobu the other night and Richie Notar was telling everyone about it. Artie heard about it already so Howard went off on Richie about that. Howard said Richie has to stop with that, it's really gay to do that to someone.
Howard said that Rosie tried to buy him dinner but Richie bought it for him. He said he was telling Rosie he's a fan of what she's been doing these days and they had a very nice conversation. He was glad he got a chance to talk to her finally. He's changed his tune on her over the past few years. He likes her blog and her honesty these days. He also said he admires her for leaving her show on her own terms.
Howard said that Richie was really good to him that night and he really is one of his best friends so it was no big deal when he went around telling everyone about that story. He figures that's his payback for buying him dinner.
Howard got back to the hot chicks that he was talking about with Gary. Howard said that Gary just wouldn't leave him alone. Gary ended up telling Howard how he got the call to go out to dinner that night and how more and more people ended up going out. He thought it was going to be two other couples but it ended up being about 12 people.
Howard asked Gary how he split the bill that night. Gary said that the bill was going to be split 5 ways but there were some splits on the tip and things like that. He said he got a $100 gift certificate from Sal for Christmas and pulled that out to help pay for dinner. He got mocked for pulling that out. Howard cut Gary off and said he was bored with the story. He said he was just kidding but he continued to talk about what he wanted to talk about.
Howard said he was out at his agent's roast on Saturday night and he was talking to Fred's wife Alison and had a nice conversation with her. He said that he talked to Mel Karmazin, Dan Clores and a few other people. Then Scott Greenstein from SIRIUS came up to him and tried to talk to him. Howard said he talks to people in half sentences. He said that Scott was talking to him about doing ''something big'' and doing a planning session with him. He wanted to know what the next big thing was. This was all happening before he had gone up to do the roast. He was already stressing out over that and Scott is asking him to do something big.
Howard said that Scott came up later and did the same thing to him. He caught him in a work conversation while he was out at a party. Howard said that Scott speaks really fast and really intensely so it was driving him nuts. He said the guy was on fire and he just wanted to talk to someone about business. He said that Scott will probably hate him now that he's brought that up... but he really does love the guy as far as business goes. He didn't want to discuss that stuff at a party.
Artie said that he has a perfect relationship with the guy because he's not important enough to have a discussion with. Scott has no meeting plans with Artie. Robin said that he's asked her to go to lunch but it didn't sound like she was that interested in doing that.
Howard said there was a guy they used to work with at WWOR and they would run really crazy ideas past him and he would agree to let them do them until they thought about it for a while. Artie said he used to pull stuff like that at MAD TV. He threw in a joke about doing ''Ed McMahon Walking'' as a parody of ''Dead Man Walking'' and they actually did it a week later. He was just joking around but they stuck him with that bit anyway. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Jimmy Kimmel come in after the Riley Martin think. He wasn't even sure why Jimmy was in town. Artie figured he was there for the ABC up fronts. Jimmy said that the studio was nice, it didn't have any strange smells or jizz on the walls yet.
Howard told Jimmy about some of the crazy stuff they've done in there already like Rappin' Granny on the Sybian. He quickly played a clip of that segment after that. He told Jimmy that he was sitting on her 80-some year old fluids there on the couch. Howard also replayed some of the Riley Martin song parody. He also played some other audio clips that they've been playing lately.
Howard said that he was telling people that Jimmy's ratings are up but he heard that he's not beating that guy Craig Ferguson. Jimmy said that they are beating him though. Howard told him that he was thinking of becoming Craig's friend if his ratings were higher.
Jimmy said that he has to do this ABC up-fronts thing so that's why he's in town. He has to prepare for them and that's what he and Howard were talking about at lunch yesterday. Howard said that he was telling Jimmy about how horrible he was at his agent's roast but Robin said that he really wasn't bad.
Howard said he was going to have Jimmy up to his apartment to watch the OJ Simpson video that he got his hands on. Then he figured he wouldn't be able to get rid of Jimmy so he didn't have him up. Jimmy said he wasn't expecting Howard to invite him up to his apartment even though he walked him back to his apartment.
Howard decided to watch some movies on Sunday afternoon and each one was worse than the other. The first one was a vampire movie that was unwatchable. It had no plot and it was just bad. He also rented something called ''Pride and Prejudice'' which he bailed out on after 5 minutes. He thought the description of the movie sounded good. Then he rented another movie about this guy who falls for Amy Smart and he was so annoyed by the movie that he had to turn it off. He liked the description of the movie but it was just bad.
Howard decided to rent Doom to get his mind off the rest of the stuff. He said that the movie was so dark that you couldn't see anything on the screen. He said that one was horrible as well. He ended up calling Beth out in California and she was telling him about all of the guys who were following her and hitting on her out there.
Jimmy told Howard he had a great time talking to him at lunch yesterday. They talked about Adam Carolla for a good hour. Jimmy said that Adam doesn't care about anything and he just does anything. Jimmy said that Adam loves Howard even more than ever since he got the gig to replace him in a few markets out on the West Coast.
Howard said he rented a porn movie with Gina Lynn in it. He said that she was really hot and he feels more of a connection with her since she was on the show recently. He was talking about the other chick in the movie and how she had some huge titties. He said he was beating off to that movie and he didn't really finish, but he was done. It was like he was going to have an orgasm but nothing came out. Jimmy said he's had that happen to him but Howard's well was probably dry because Beth has been out of town.
Howard said that Beth asked him if he had beat off so he was honest with her and said that he had. She claims that she hasn't been masturbating since she met him. She's satisfied plenty with Howard. Howard asked Jimmy if he's still doing good with Sarah Silverman. He said things are going good for them.
Richard's girlfriend is a former intern from the show but he didn't meet her while he was working there. She was friends with Jason and Will and that's how he met her. Richard said that she really doesn't want to be talked about on the air so that's why things have been kept quiet.
Richard said that the intern actually won the Intern Beauty Pageant when she was there. He said she's from Pennsylvania and they are boyfriend and girlfriend right now. He said he's in love with her and he's even told his parents about her. That led to the guys goofing on Richard about taking her home to meet his parents and what that might be like. Artie said he was afraid that Richard was gay because he was always grabbing guys asses and doing gay stuff.
Howard got a picture of Richard's girlfriend and it turns out it was one of Robin's interns. Her picture got passed around and Jimmy said ''Thus begins the ending of their relationship...'' Richard was actually in the studio to talk about Gina Lynn but he didn't get to talk much about that before Howard let him go.
Jimmy said that they taped a show that's going to air tonight. He said that they pulled a prank on the audience when they had a fake snake bite him and rushed him to the hospital. Howard said that they actually worked that in with ''Grey's Anatomy'' so Jimmy will be appearing on that show.
Andrea said that she has been taking acting classes and will be in some low budget horror films. She told Howard she wants to go on tour with SIRIUS and get people to sign up. She said that she would go out for a month or so and do signing's and give away free posters and stuff. Howard said he'd see what they could do about that. She didn't seem to be paying attention to anything they were saying to her though. Howard put her on hold and told Gary to take care of that.
Howard got Andrea back on the phone and asked her if she would shower with the fans to help sell the radios. She said she would be willing to do that. She also said that she has a boyfriend who is a lawyer before Howard put her back on hold.
Howard said they were discussing having a new Miss Howard Stern Pageant but Miss Howard Stern may not be too happy about that. Howard read that Jimmy was going to be on the Bob Dylan show on XM but Jimmy said that someone just took clips from his show and spliced them in to make it sound like he was being interviewed by Bob Dylan. That led to Howard talking about how Oprah Winfrey is only going to be doing a half hour a week when she's on XM.
Howard was going to have High Pitch Eric in to jerk off to Jimmy because he's a huge fan of his. It turns out that Eric couldn't come in because he's on a family vacation. That was a pretty big surprise to most of the guys. Howard also mentioned that Axl Rose got a good review from some guy whose last name was close to ''aqualung'' so that led to Fred playing the ''Aqualung'' guitar riff that the guys were screwing around with a couple of weeks ago. They got into that for a couple of minutes but Howard didn't want to get into it too much because they'd be there all day doing that.
Howard read the article about Axl's show and how he showed up late to the gig. He said that Axl is pretty much washed up by this point and it's really obnoxious that he shows up late to gigs like that. It wasn't just a short time either, he was hours late.
Howard had Lisa G give her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they have an interview with Soupy Sales that they'll be playing on Howard 100 News today. They'll also be talking about the Erotic Exotic Ball and how they want to give Howard an award. Howard said that it's obvious that they want him there so they can sell more than 3 tickets. Lisa said that they'll also be premiering ''Inside the Porn Actors Studio'' on Howard 101 at 7pm tonight. Howard said he heard that show is very good and it's hosted by Richard Christy.
Lisa said that Jason and Will are back with another edition of Page 69. They're also revealing a new format for Howard 100 News. The news will not have a block of news, they're going to be doing bulletins every hour or so, 24 hours a day. The Howard Stern Show replay will be uninterrupted and the Wrap Up Show won't be interrupted too much anymore.
Howard said he thinks the new format will work because the hour long news was just going too long and they had to stretch stories out a bit. Jimmy said they should be ashamed that they even call it news. He also congratulated them on their demotions. Artie told Howard it was a good move because he was sick of the fuckin' news anyway. He said he was just kidding though.
Gary told Howard about how great the bar is over at Jimmy's show. Jimmy said he never goes down to see the bar, he's got his own bar up in his dressing room. Gary told Howard that there are tons of hot chicks at that bar so they talked about that a bit. The guests on the show go to the bar and it's a fun hang over there. Artie is going out there this week and he's looking forward to go trolling for chicks out there. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard heard that Artie has been getting a lot of phone calls from Andrew Dice Clay who has been leaving messages for him. Dice just keeps going on and on and on. Artie said that Don Jamieson gave Dice his number but he did ask if it was okay before he did that.
Howard had clips from Dice's messages so he played some of those. In one clip Dice tells Artie he's an idiot for sending Dana a 5 page love letter. He said he should be filling the Hudson up with his loads. Dice left another message where he goes off on himself for leaving messages for Artie while he's got his own problems. In another message Dice tells Artie to go ahead and use the messages on the show if he wants. Artie said he was laughing his ass off listening to the messages. He said it might be different when you're live on the phone with him.
Howard said he used to go through those kinds of calls with Dice when he was close with him and he used to have to hang up on him. Howard was amazed that Artie was able to get the messages because he's so bad with technology. Artie said it's a simple voice mail. Gary told Howard that the one call he was playing was about seven and a half minutes long. Howard was only playing a couple of minutes of it.
Howard said that the studio is a mess and it's too busy. Scott DePace said that he and Doug both like it and it looks good on TV. It's not quite done right now so they have to wait for it to be finished. Doug told Howard they'll give it a try and if he doesn't like it, they'll go back to the old style. DePace said they won't go back to the old stuff, they'll just change it again.
Howard said that he's kind of glad that ''Poseidon'' didn't do very well at the box office this weekend. That led to everyone talking about the original version of the movie. Artie was reciting lines from that movie and goofing on it for a while. Artie knew the movie really well and said that he and his friend rent it once in a while and laugh their asses off for four hours.
Artie said there's another movie called ''Beyond the Poseidon Adventure'' and it's another really funny movie. He said that Adrian Barbeau is in the movie and it was at a time when her tits were in their prime. Howard asked Jimmy if he memorizes movies like Artie does. Jimmy said that he does have a couple of movies that he has memorized.
Howard asked the guys what they thought about this story of a model who did a photo shoot for a Victoria's Secret catalog but the pictures got sold to Maxim magazine and now she's pissed and wants to sue over it. Some of the guys thought that was wrong but others thought it didn't matter because she probably signed a contract that allowed the photographer to sell them to whoever he wanted to.
Howard said that Jimmy isn't a fat guy even though he seems to look fat when he's on TV. Jimmy said that people come up to him all the time and tell him he looks like he's lost weight when they see him but he claims he's weighed the same for the past 6 years.
Howard read some mail about the bulldog that he was trying to save recently. People are pissed that he got involved in trying to save a dog just because he thought that the bulldog might be mellow like his own dog. That led to Howard talking about the outcome of that story. He said that this woman wanted to test the dog out to see if it could have been involved in the mauling of a 4 year old child. Howard said that an eyewitness has come forward and said that the bulldog just sat there while the two rottweilers attacked the kid. If the dog is innocent, Howard said that they should let it live.
Howard read some mail about last week's Friday Show and some people enjoyed hearing the old WNBC tapes and stuff like that. A bunch of people actually liked the old stuff they were playing from those days.
Sal came in and told Howard that people are twisting stories around there and he doesn't dislike the show. He said when he first started watching the show he didn't like it. Then he watched it with his kid and the they both laughed together.
Howard interrupted Sal and told him he doesn't want him fraternizing with the guests anymore. Sal said he wasn't. Howard explained to him that they have to keep him away from everyone because he has no business being around the guests. He said they may have to make him work at home like Dan the Song Parody Man does.
Gary said that Sal was out in the hall dancing around in his big lipped monkey mask and doing a show for people out there. Howard told Sal to stop messing around with the guests or he will be home with his kids working out of his house. Sal said that he'd kill himself if he had to do that.
Sal was trying to defend himself but Howard told him that the green room is his and he doesn't want Sal out there telling people his opinions. Sal said that he and Richard were trying to get Gary to listen to some stuff and he ended up closing the door and ignored him so he started jumping around in his monkey mask. Gary told Sal that it's none of his business.
Howard asked Artie if he has to go to the premiere of his movie. He's afraid he's not going to like the movie and he doesn't want to bash it on the air. Artie said that he'd be fine if Howard didn't go because it would take some pressure off of him. He said that he doesn't think it's Howard's cup of tea anyway.
Howard asked the guys what they think is the correct term is for someone who is good at playing cards... Card Shark or Card Sharp. He told the guy that he read in a reputable paper that it's actually ''card sharp'' not card shark like most people think.
The caller told Howard that he liked the rejected bit that they played from Richard and Sal. He was also liking the Wendy the Retard stuff they were playing. Howard thought that the Sal and Richard bit sucked but people seemed to like it. Gary said that they have the clip up to play if Howard wanted to play it. Howard didn't think that it was a cool bit at all but he played it to let Jimmy decide on it. In the clip Sal and Richard are ''Jack and Rod'' interviewing a woman with an Easter Bunny by the name of Andy Dice Cottontail sitting in and goofing on the woman.
Everyone was laughing during the bit so Howard may have been wrong for rejecting the bit. Howard said he thought it was just mean and not funny but Robin thought it was funny. So did Jimmy. Howard said that's why they need the Friday Show, so they can play the rejected bits.
The caller asked Jimmy how he can get into the bar at Jimmy's show. Jimmy said that audience members aren't usually allowed there but he agreed to let this guy come down and watch Artie do his thing on Friday night.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who thanked Jimmy for a bit they did on the show because they showed his son, who is over in Iraq. He said that he hadn't seen his son in a really long time so it was great to see him on TV. Jimmy said they do that once in a while and hook up with the troops over there.
Howard said he thought about going over to Iraq to entertain the troops but then realized how nuts that would be. His agent thought it was a great idea until he asked him to come along with him.
Howard took a call from another guy who offered to do some web site work for free. He said that he'd be willing to work one day a week for free. The guy also asked if he could get in on the Artie roast but Howard told him to stick to the web site thing and put him on hold. Jimmy asked if he could come out and roast Artie. Howard said that would be great if he can get the night off to do it. Jimmy said he'd see if he could do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who started to tell a story that was boring from the start so Fred started playing snoring sounds and Howard eventually bailed out on the call after goofing on the guy for a couple of minutes. The guy just kept going with his story even though they were goofing on him.
Another caller brought up the fact that Howard was talking about David Spade's article for Time magazine and how he wanted to have Jimmy write it instead. Howard said that Spade left him a serious message and he sounded kind of pissed off. He said that he called David back and told him that what his friends were telling him wasn't quite right and he was doing a funny radio show talking about how he could get a real fan of the show to write it.
Gary came in and distracted Howard while he was telling the story. Howard got pissed at Gary because he wasn't telling him anything, he was just walking in and out of the studio. Gary said he had something that he wanted to bring up but not on the air. Gary said that Jim Belushi was there but that wasn't what he was coming in about.
Howard went on with the David Spade thing and talked about how he told David that he was just joking around on the air and he shouldn't take it so personally. He said he's a big fan of David's and he would never bad mouth his TV show like Spade thought he did.
Howard said that he said that he hasn't heard back from David since leaving the message. He's not sure if David is that pissed at him or not.
Jimmy told the guys that he remembers getting a tape from his uncle back in about 1983 of Howard's show and he remembers just how funny it was and how that got him involved in radio. That's what he would have put in the article if he had written it for Time magazine. He said he knows how David must feel after writing the article and hearing it from Howard. Jimmy said he will even write one of those things for Time and send it in. He thought that David did a good job with his article but he figures he doesn't even listen to the show all that much because he's a stand-up comic. He gave David a grade of a B for the assignment. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Jim Belushi who was waiting to come in. Howard said that Artie's idol is John Belushi and wondered if he had ever met Jim. Artie had met him back at K-Rock and even back when he was doing the Norm Show at ABC.
Jim came in and talked about how he and Howard ran together one time. He said he went on to run for 20 miles that day. Howard told Jim about how Artie has a picture of John that he keeps on his wall. They were also talking about how Artie has started to look like John these days. Artie said he can't help that but he will be trying to lose some weight. Jim told Artie he's nothing like John because he'd have to die at 33 to be like him. Artie is already 38.
Jim said that his brother did the National Lampoon Radio Hour and that was some great stuff. Artie said that he knows a lot of stuff about John and Jim may not even know the answers to the questions. Howard asked Artie what the name of John's character was in the movie ''1941.'' Artie thought about it for a few seconds and couldn't think of it. Jim said that Steven Spielberg wanted John to scratch his balls in the movie at one point but John refused so they actually brought in a ''balls double'' to do the scene and it really pissed John off. Howard said that his name in the movie was ''Wild Bill Kelso.''
Howard had another question and asked where Animal House was filmed. Artie said it was Oregon and it was at the University of Oregon. Howard bailed out on that whole thing and brought up the story that Jim told the last time he was on the show. He talked about his neighbor Julie Newmar giving him a hard time about something he was doing in his yard so he had to sue her. Howard said he knows that must be really tough to sue your neighbor. That led to Jim talking about how his show ''According to Jim'' is now in it's 6th season and they're syndicated now so he's doing very well now.
Howard asked Jim if he's making some good money on that show. Gary told Howard he heard that he's getting half a million per episode for that show. Jim said he's doing very well and can do just about anything he wants. Howard talked to him about his two divorces and about the money he's had to give up each time. Jim said that he wasn't making much money in the first divorce and in the second one he had a pre-nup so he didn't get screwed. He said that the third wife won't divorce him because things are going so well.
Jim said that he and Julie eventually made up and she actually did his show. He said he went to her one time and told her that he wanted to make up with her and wanted a neighbor he could care about. He said that she turned out to be the nicest woman ever once he went to her. Howard wondered what started the whole thing. Jim said that the story was just too long. He and Julie went through a mediation thing and settled things so everything is good now. Jim said that she's so nice to his family now and they're getting along just fine.
Howard said that Jim seems to fight with a lot of people. Jim almost came to blows with Howard one time. They didn't get into details of that though. Jimmy said that Jim once got into it with Mr. T on his show one time and it looked like he wanted to beat him up.
Howard asked Jim if he's gotten into real fights with people. Jim said he's doing some boxing and he loves watching the Ultimate Fighting stuff. Howard said he likes that stuff too but he can't fight himself.
Howard moved on to give Jim a plug for his book ''Real Men Don't Apologize.'' He asked him what the book is about. Jim said that he gives some relationship advice and talks about how guys shouldn't apologize in their relationships.
Gary came in and said that he read that Jim advises guys to try and hold out during sex because the woman will work really hard the next time to make a guy cum. Jim said that was taken out of context and explained what he was talking about. He said it gives guys a sense of power when you can hold out. Howard said that his girlfriend actually checks his rubber after he finishes to see how much of a load he leaves.
Gary had some more advice from Jim's book. He said that Jim gives some advice about getting oral sex advice from a lesbian to use it on a woman. Jim said that those things were being taken from the sex part of the book. Jim was telling the guys to use the bottom part of their tongue on a woman because the texture is different underneath. He said it takes half the time and half the work to get a woman off doing it that way.
Gary said he had another bit of advice from the book where he suggests that guys always put a lock on their bathroom door to keep their wives from finding them masturbating. Jim said that wasn't in the book but Gary swore that it came from the book. Jim said he didn't write that part. Howard said that some guys have come on the show and didn't know what was in their books.
Jim told Howard that the start of the book is about how he had to move on with his life after John died. That led to the guys talking about John's death a little bit. Jim said that he's not even drinking that much these days because he's got kids in the house and he gets annoyed when he's hung over.
Howard had a guy there at the studio claiming to be Jim's illegitimate kid but Jim said he didn't want to give the guy the time on the air so Howard dropped it.
Howard gave Jim another plug for his book and said that he'll be signing copies at a couple of book stores in New York City and New Jersey today. Jimmy asked him if he will demonstrate the oral sex move for the people who come to see him. Jim said he will demonstrate that for them. He was also talking about how his agent came up with the idea to write the book. Howard wished him luck with the book after that.
Howard said that there were two people in the studio other than Jim and they were his cousins Paul and Parker. He wasn't able to find the microphones so he didn't bother talking to them. He said he felt very unprofessional today. Jim said he likes the new studio and he likes SIRIUS and actually did some Blues Brothers stuff to help them launch the service years ago.
Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who asked Jim if he's ever gotten a hard on while working with the chicks on his TV show. Jim said he's never been with any of the women he works with because it's a bad idea. He said he loves those girls like sisters and he wouldn't do stuff like that. Mike said that they used to show Courtney wearing really tight sweaters and you could see nip. Jim said that ABC came down on them and made them stop so no one will see nip on her anymore. Jim said that they make Courtney wear more padded bras now. Jim isn't sure whose order that was.
Artie asked Jim about this book ''Belushi'' that's out and Jim said he thinks it's a great book. He said that the book shows how his brother fought for the stuff he did and how intense he was about his craft. Artie asked him if he had trouble with Michael Eisner like his brother did. Jim said he got along with him and his brother was always battling with everyone he worked for so that was just the way things were with him.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked if Jim has used his technique on a lesbian. Jim said that lesbians don't want him down there so he's never tried that. Another caller talked to Jim about a movie he worked on with him called ''Thief.''
Howard hung up on him and moved on to another caller. That caller claims that Jim walked out of his house half naked one time and chased him away. Jim said this is a drunk asshole who was coming on his yard. He said that he thought there was an animal out there and he ran out naked to chase the guy away. Jim claims that the guy was trying to bang some chicks on his yard. He also said that the guy was caught the week before trying to sneak onto the beach and he tried again.
Howard said it must have been quite a site to see Jim naked out there. Jim said he's got two German shepherds and he had to take care of things. He's got a family to take care of. He said that the dogs kept the guy at bay and he had the guy arrested. The caller said that the judge said that they should have pressed charges against Jim because there was no reason to have the dogs cornering them. Jim said that's bull shit and the guy is just a drunk. Howard gave Jim another few plugs and then went to break a short time later.
Artie said that the news department is already bugging him about the comments Howard made about his movie earlier in the morning.
Howard read that President Bush has announced a press conference that's going to interrupt TV tonight and the networks are freaking out. All of their season finales and big hit shows are getting interrupted. Howard spent a minute talking about that.
Howard had an audio clip of a pitcher who was interviewed while he was drunk and made a bit of a fool out of himself. He played the clip and the guy sounded really mellow, and almost asleep as he as being interviewed. The reporter kept the interview going even though the guy was so out of it. Howard figured it had to be more than alcohol that the guy was on.
Howard said it's a good thing he wasn't interviewed after going to Scores on Friday night. That led to Howard talking about how they should all get drunk whenever they do the roast for Artie. They haven't found a venue for that event yet but Howard wants to do a drinking show. Jimmy talked about how his first show was a drinking show but they didn't plan it that way. They had an audience member drink and vomit in the crowd. That ruined things for the show because they banned drinking there from then on.
Howard said that he remembers his cousin taking him on a car ride one night and he turned out his headlights and made a weird left turn and said that they were either going to die or get through this thing. They lucked out and didn't crash. Paul didn't even remember that happening. Howard also said that he remembers smoking weed with Paul and that his mother smelled it on his cousin but not on him.
Paul told Howard that he started a charity where they do work down in Nicaragua. He talked about that for a short time and got in a plug for his web site ParadiseWithAPurpose.org. He has some old Private Parts mugs to give away for the first 5 people to donate $300 to the charity. Howard said that he'd even sign the mugs for him.
Howard mentioned that Paul's son Parker is a piano genius too. He mentioned his band on the show before. Parker told Howard he just landed a job composing some music for an independent film. Paul said that Parker was amazing right from the start so he should consider himself a child prodigy.
Howard asked Parker if he's gotten laid from being his cousin. Parker said he's never used that line with the women. Paul got in a plug for his web site ParkerJazz.com as well. Howard told Parker he should get out of Jazz and get into something more rocking. Paul told Howard that Parker is into some pretty wild Jazz stuff though and he does great with that. Howard still told him he should rock up a bit instead. Paul said it is kind of weird that he likes Rock and his son is into Jazz. It's like some kind of weird role reversal. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard spent a short time talking to his cousin Paul about their fathers. Paul was saying that his father was an asshole and he really wasn't that nice. Howard didn't know he felt that way about the guy. He didn't think he was a very loving guy. Paul's son said that he thinks that his father is a loving guy though so he didn't take after his own father.
Jon Hein came in and gave Howard a quick rundown of what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show today. That led to Howard talking about how they wanted to do a whole bit with Benjy in a wheelchair for Jim Belushi's illegitimate son but that fell apart. They'll also be talking about Howard not wanting to go see Artie's movie. They'll also be talking to a guy from Survivor who creates the challenges for the show.
Gary came in and told Howard that Richard's ''Inside the Porn Actors Studio'' will also be on tonight. He said he heard it and it was very good. It was Hillary Sky that Richard interviews, not Shy Love as they mentioned a few times this morning. Howard played a clip from that show which airs tonight on Howard 101. In the clip you hear Richard asking the questions as if they're serious about getting ass fisted and Hillary explains herself as if it was serious. Howard congratulated Richard on that and got in another plug for that show. He also thanked Jon for coming in and then had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show talking about the Film Festival. It actually led to a fight between him and Beth because she won't be able to make it there. He didn't think it was going to turn into this big of a deal and now he feels that he screwed up. Robin said that her boyfriend won't be able to make it to the festival. Artie's girlfriend won't be at the festival but may come to the party. Fred said his wife will be there. Benjy's girlfriend will also be there.
Howard talked about Benjy screwing around with Dice on yesterday's show. He asked him if he really thought he could take Dice. Benjy said you never know until you actually take someone on. Benjy thinks that Richie Wilson is one guy there who could probably take on anyone there. Howard said that Fred could probably take on Richie and beat him because he's got ''mental case strength.'' Fred took offense to that and said it was a bit of an insult to say that. Howard said he didn't mean it that way though.
Fred talked about how he had to learn to fight because he had an older brother who would beat the crap out of him. Howard asked him if he could beat Richie Wilson and Fred said that it depends on what kind of moves he knows. Richie came in and said that he's been studying Gracie Jujitsu over the past few years. Howard said that those moves are the moves that Ultimate Fighters use. There's one guy who won a lot of Ultimate Fighter fights using those techniques. Howard told Robin about that form of Jujitsu and how those guys can work really well once they take someone down to the floor. Howard told Robin about how popular this Gracie Jujitsu thing became because of the guy in the Ultimate Fighter thing.
Howard had the latest Page 69 segment from Howard 100 News and wanted to play it because he heard that JD saw Robin and Fred's Film Festival entry and he wasn't impressed. Now Robin is mad at him because she thinks her movie is so good. Robin said she thinks that JD just doesn't like it because he's in competition with her.
Howard played the audio where Jason and Will talk gossip about the show. They mentioned the JD thing and how upset Robin got with him when he told her that her movie wasn't that good. JD came in and said that he actually told someone else about seeing the movie and how he told Robin what he thought. That's how the story got out there.
JD told Howard that their movie looks ''okay.'' He said that Penny Crone was horrible in the movie and then Robin told him to stop talking about it because he doesn't want anyone sabotaging the movie. Robin told him to get out of the studio because of that. She told JD that she would pull his teeth out one at a time if he said another word about his movie. She said she showed it to JD in confidence not knowing that he was going to go around blabbing to people about it.
Gary came in and said that people have to see the movie themselves to make their own judgment. Robin was daring JD to say another word and if he did she was going to stab him with a pen. She said she doesn't mind his opinion, she minds the fact that he was going around blabbing it to other people. She sounded genuinely pissed off about it. She said she hasn't said anything about anyone else's film so she would appreciate it if everyone else gave her the same respect.
JD said that he knows there are problems with his own film but he finds it entertaining. Fred said that the last minute of their movie is great and it could be the winner of the staff entries. Sal came in after that and said that when JD dropped the news, he came into his and Richard's office, closed the door and told them that the movie was terrible. JD said he didn't say that it was terrible. Sal corrected that and said he told them it was awful.
Robin said that's the asshole that she took into her confidence. Now she's saying that his life is over and just wait to see what she does to him. Gary said he hasn't heard a thing about his movie. Howard said that's because he's keeping it a secret. He put together his movie, ''Fred,'' and hasn't shown it to anyone. Doug was helping him out with that. Sal said that there's a leak on Howard's movie and he has seen about 3 seconds of it.
Robin said that Howard claimed that he was going to win the Film Festival but he said he never said that. Sal said he thinks it will win and he was basing that on the 3 seconds that he saw. Howard said he hasn't heard a thing about Robin and Fred's movie until now.
Howard said that he's looking forward to Sal's movie which is about Robin's meats and vegetables. JD made a movie about Ronnie so Ronnie came in and told them that it's going to suck. He said he knows that it's going to stink because JD made it.
Sal said that Artie had complained about Robin's directing of her movie. Artie said he never said anything about Robin's directing. Sal said that he called her the N-word and the C-word when he was describing it. Robin said that her movie was supposed to be a bit of a surprise. Gary said that if she wanted it to be a surprise, she wouldn't have filmed it up there at SIRIUS.
Howard said that they have 2 hours for the Film Festival tonight so they have to move it along pretty quickly. He said he's going to be moving the judges along quickly to give their thoughts on what they see. Fred was telling Howard that the movie that he and Robin worked on is very good and he thinks that it could be the winner for the staff entries.
Howard heard that Richard was out in the hall telling people to boo when they see Robin and Fred's movie tonight, just to pisse them off. Richard came in and said that he and Benjy worked on a movie together and they're keeping that quiet. The movie is about Benjy power walking.
Howard said that Richie Wilson sent out an e-mail with tape from a bachelor party where this guy is getting a dance from a stripper and the bachelor pukes on her back. He said it was really funny. Howard then said that he'll be in his tux by about 5 o'clock and he'll be at the festival around 6. At 7 they start the festival. Red Peters will be performing a song there and Sour Shoes will be out on the street performing for people as well. Howard said he'll try to move the festival along quickly once they get going. They have Artie hosting a little bit and a bunch of judges that will be picking the winners.
After the festival there's an After Party. The VIP passes for the festival get people into that after party. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they have a trophy for the top 3 winners of the festival. He was wondering if they should call it ''The Howie.'' Howard said they have to come up with a better name than that. Robin said that they could call it the Sternatomy Awards or something like that.
Howard said he had the tape from the bachelor party that he was talking about. Everyone was disgusted when they saw the tape. Benjy asked if they thought it was real because it looked fake to him. Howard told him to stop with his comments. Gary told Howard that he had a recording of Dice leaving a message for Benjy so he played that as well. Dice said that he spoke to his kids and they all feel that Benjy should get Dice's respect because he went toe to toe with him and didn't back down. Dice said he respects Benjy for doing that and he's no longer ''the little fat kid,'' he's now ''Big Bald Benjy'' or Triple B. Dice said he's got to respect him for not backing down.
Howard thought that was great that Benjy won his respect. He went on to talk about what he heard that made Dice famous many years ago. He started to tell the story but didn't know all of the details. He said that he was at a roast or something and told someone to fuck off or something like that. He wants Dice to tell the story the next time he comes in.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Robin that she's definitely not cured after hearing her go off on JD. Howard said he knew that Robin would go berserk when she heard that Page 69 thing. Robin said that she's very attached to her movie and she doesn't want people bad mouthing it like that before people have seen it. She told JD not to come to her party and to keep his ''...funky ass home.''
Howard said that Bubba and his crew will be in to shock some balls and puss today. That led to Robin asking about why Scott Ferrall took the shock up his ass. Howard said that those shock collars aren't as safe as people think. He said that people use those electric fences thinking they're doing something good but they can ruin a good dog. Howard said he hopes that Sal doesn't get ruined when he gets his balls shocked.
Howard explained how Ferrall got the shock done on his ass and the strange noise he made when it happened. Fred played a Dice clip where he was choking to make it sound like the noise that Ferrall made. Fred then started to play the ''Aqualung'' clip that they played late in the show the other day throughout Robin's news. He said a lot of people thought it was a very funny bit.
Howard told a caller that his show will be available to stream starting in June. He said that if you are a SIRIUS subscriber, you will be able to listen at work or anywhere you can get the web. He said people will be able to log in through the SIRIUS web site or through HowardStern.com. The caller also asked when we're going to see the January and February shows on Howard TV On Demand. Howard said they're busy editing those shows already so they will get up there eventually.
Howard read more of the article about CBS' problems with their radio division. Their TV division is doing better but the radio division dragged them down. Some people think that CBS hiring Opie and Anthony is a good move and will help their ratings immediately.
Howard had an audio clip from Comedy Central's ''The Colbert Report'' where they talked about David Lee Roth. Howard said that CBS signed Roth on for a 3 year deal where they were going to pay him $8 million. It was a good deal for Roth and CBS knew what they were getting because they had auditioned him. Now the Colbert Report is ridiculing Roth. In the clip Steven Colbert says that they all saw that one coming. He then went on to goof on Roth saying that if you're only good at one thing, stick to that one thing.
The bit was running a bit long and there were a lot of visual jokes that they were missing out on. Howard just wanted the David Lee Roth stuff. Gary came in and said that JD had just told him about the visual jokes and also said that JD won't be walking down the red carpet with Robin tonight because of what went on earlier in the morning. Robin doesn't seem to care though.
Howard talked about the David Lee Roth thing a little more. He said that CBS is going to stick with Adam Carolla and Rover in some of the other markets around the country. After Howard left radio a lot of Spanish stations went way up in the ratings. He doesn't get how that happen, it doesn't make any sense to him. He also said that he's very happy to be out of that whole business with ratings.
Howard said that the FCC wasn't fining the Spanish stations that were broadcasting curse words in Spanish on their stations. That kind of double standard didn't fly with him. Howard said that some Spanish stations are bragging that they're beating Howard Stern in the ratings but he's gone! He's not there to beat.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard he's heard a Spanish station that's doing the same thing that Howard does but they do it in Spanish and no one says anything about it. Howard said he doesn't mind when they imitate him, he minds it when they don't get fined for cursing on the air. He said he had to take a break after that.
Howard asked Artie if he's going to take a nap before the Film Festival. Artie said he's not sure he'll have time to do that. He has to go back to Jersey to get his tux and get ready for the festival. Howard said that he's going to try and jump in on the Superfan Roundtable tonight so he'll be going to the after party.
Howard said that from 6-7 Howard 100 News will be covering the after party. Then Scott Ferrall will do his show for a couple of hours and then the Superfan Roundtable will run for an hour. After that Gary and Jon Hein will do a Wrap Up Show from the After Party. Howard had to finish up the commercial he was doing before getting back to the show.
Howard said that Sal and Richard called Alice and dicked around with her. Sal called and said that he was from Human Resources at SIRIUS. He said that they don't allow racist content and they may have to remove her subscription. Then he called her a crazy bitch which set her off. She started yelling at him and calling him names. Richard then got on and pretended to be Sal's supervisor. Richard asked her if she would like to file a complaint against the other guy. She said that she would and then Richard got her all pissed off at him when he started calling her names. She went off on him and hung up on them.
Wendy the Retard has left some voice mail messages and she sounded drunk to him. He played one clip where she had to go pee and stayed on the phone as she went. She didn't put the phone where we could hear her peeing but we did hear the flush. Wendy was complaining about her pants not fitting very well after she washed her hands. Robin found that a little odd that she pulled up her pants after washing her hands.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who asked Howard why he can't find audio clips and has to ask Gary to find them for him. Howard told him that he's busy running a radio show and Gary has time to look at the pages, that's why he asks for his help.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that his ticket to the Film Festival but it says that the ticket doesn't guarantee entry. Howard told him that just means that they'll have a list of names for the invited people and if you sell your tickets or give them away, those people won't get in. Howard told the guy he may be able to hook up with some chicks at the party and Bubba may be shocking the puss there.
Howard wrapped up with Lisa and asked Gary what's going on with this Thalidomide comic that was coming in. Gary came in and said that Richard wanted to come in and show them his erection because Bubba the Love Sponge had given him some Cialis. Howard had Bubba come in and told him he's nuts. He had dropped off some Cialis and Viagra for Gary before he came in the studio.
Richard came in with half of an erection. He said that the walk down the hall kind of knocked it down. Robin said that he had a respectable size down there. Bubba was telling him to go beat it on Robin's booth glass. Bubba said that Howard has an even gayer show than he does. Richard said he might have to tug on his junk to get it hard again. Howard told him to just put it away already.
Richard is going to get his balls shocked on the show today so Howard told Bubba to just get into it and shock his balls. Bubba said he'd have to hook him up first. Last night he had Ralph on the show and was screwing around with the shock collar playing Shock Gladiator and Ralph managed to blind side him and shocked him on his chest. Bubba's producer Brent has a mark on his arm from where the shock collar got him. Bubba said that he's got a couple of marks on his body too. He showed them to Howard and Howard said he thinks that thing could kill someone.
Bubba said that when you ''shock the puss'' it doesn't kill anyone, it just makes their puss a little swollen for a while. Howard asked Bubba if he wanted to meet the Thalidomide Comic. Bubba had no idea what Thalidomide was so Howard explained what it was. It was a drug that was given to women many years ago for morning sickness and it ended up creating birth defects. He had Paul the Thalidomide Comic come in after that.
Paul told Howard that he can still get laid and actually got divorced because he wanted to go out and experiment. He said that he's now a single dad with two great kids. He had to fight for them and she just gave in and gave them to him.
Gary told Howard that Paul has a twin brother and he's got the same problems. He also said that the family went to sue the drug company but they had to settle for a mere $10,000. Howard asked Paul what else this drug did to him. Paul said that the Germans came up with the drug because they were experimenting with it and managed to give him a huge dick. Howard wanted to see it but Paul said that wasn't going to happen.
Howard asked Paul about his act and Paul told him about how he's been doing it for a couple of years now. He said that he's playing some clubs up in Canada since that's where he's from. He also said that he was able to get laid for the first time at 16. He said that he's got a penis that's 12 1/4'' long. Bubba said he can't throw that out there and not show it. He told him to pull down his pants because he wants to see it.
Bubba had a couple of hot chicks there and he'd hook him up with whatever he needs to get erect. He's got the Cialis and Viagra as well as the hot chicks. He said that they could stick him in a back room and have one of the girls measure him instead. Paul said he'd like to keep his day job so he'd rather not show it. He works on a school board somewhere. Richard was in the studio so Howard told him to show Paul the size of his dick. Paul said that when he's soft he's about that size but it expands from there.
Howard changed the subject and asked Paul more about the Thalidomide thing. Paul said that Howard seems to be the only guy who still talked about Thalidomide. He said he would listen to the show and hear Howard talking to dwarves about whether or not they were Thalidomide babies or something. Paul said that he heard that there were no Thalidomide babies in the U.S. because the USDA didn't allow it in before it was tested.
Howard gave Paul a plug for the web site Thalidomide.ca web site and spent a couple more minutes talking to Paul. Paul said that his mother only took about 7 pills during her pregnancy and other women took more and really screwed up their kids.
Howard had Paul tell a joke but the joke he told was a visual joke about how he's just the right height for a woman. He said that he does a lot of jokes like that. Howard wrapped up with him and went to break after that.
Brent was telling Howard that they learned that JD likes to watch gay porn. Howard heard that Ronnie was pushing Dan the Song Parody Man out of the halls because Bubba didn't want him there. Bubba told Howard that Dan pulled a big star thing on him one day recently. He was going to have a couple of guys get sucked off by this I Heart NY chick and he demanded that he was going to go first.
Bubba said that he and his crew are going to be dressed very creatively for the Film Festival tonight. They're going to be dressed like people from the 70s. Brent said that he's looking forward to seeing these movies. Bubba said that he'll be one of the judges for the staff films. Robin told him that they can hang out a lot at the party tonight if her film wins. Bubba said that he can be swayed pretty easy by those big black tits of hers.
Howard asked Bubba about his girlfriend and how he met her. Brent said that he met her back stage at a concert one year. Bubba didn't want him saying that because it made it sound like she was a groupie or something. Bubba said it took a couple of months before he banged her but he did oral and stuck the tip in before that. Howard heard his description of that night and it sounded like date rape to him. Bubba said he did a month of sticking the tip in before he got it in all the way.
Bubba said that he would let Mr. X screw his girlfriend if he could have Robin for one night. Robin told Bubba that Mr. X is even bigger than Richard Christy was. Artie told Bubba he could probably get her with just his vote in the Film Festival. Bubba was shaking his pill box with the Cialis and stuff in it. He calls it ''the rattler.'' Robin said that Bubba brags about not smoking pot but he uses Cialis, Viagra and things like that.
Gary told Howard that Bubba had given him some Cialis and Viagra and some other pills that could help him out if he had problems with premature ejaculation. Gary said he doesn't need those.
Sal and Richard came in ready to get their balls shocked and everyone was laughing their asses off. Richard came in erect because he had taken a Cialis earlier in the morning. Richard said he'll probably have to pleasure himself after the show today.
Howard said he doesn't get the shocking thing and it could kill one of these guys. Bubba said that they won't die from it and it's not that dangerous. They're going to duct tape the shockers to Sal and Richard's balls and then they're going to play Shock Collar Chicken. Richard was putting his penis on Bubba's hand as he was taping the electrodes to his balls. Sal was in his Captain Sack outfit according to Robin. Howard said that Richard was nude except for his Fez and Simpsons underwear down around his ankles.
Howard told the two guys they were both nuts. Richard tried to rub his penis on Gary's hand so Gary told him not to do that again and he was serious about that. Meanwhile Bubba was duct taping the electrodes to Sal who said that he had just smashed his balls. Gary said that Sal's balls are really hairy so the duct tape is going to hurt when it gets pulled off.
Howard turned the show over to Bubba and let him handle the shocking. Bubba got a control word from the guys so he knows when to stop. He's going to go back and forth with them and play Shock Collar Chicken until someone backs out. Robin is going to take away the loser's invitation to her party. The winner gets to go.
Bubba started in and gave Richard just one shock. Richard let out a yell like we've never heard before. Sal said that he was sweating like a race horse after seeing that. Richard said it felt like someone was hanging from his balls. Bubba then shocked Sal's balls and he screamed for a few seconds and said it felt like a switch blade being stuck in his balls. Bubba kept shocking him so Sal said he was about to pass out from the pain. Artie took control of the button but he wasn't able to shock Richard. Richard was begging him to stop.
Howard said he couldn't push that button either. Gary said that Richard had taken two shocks so they had to give Sal another one to make it even. Sal said he would take it but he had to give him a second to relax. Howard told Bubba that he's nuts. Bubba shocked Sal one more time and Sal ripped the thing out of the hand held unit that Bubba had. Bubba then zapped Richard again. Bubba then gave Richard control of the shocker and let him shock himself.
Ralph called in and told Howard that he should give it a try just to feel how bad it is. Bubba said that he had given him the full 8 zap from the machine so it was at almost full power. Sal offered to take one more zap if Robin was going to invite him to her party. She told him he could come if he did it that one more time. Howard asked Richard how long he thinks he could do it on himself. Richard said maybe 4 or 5 seconds.
Sal said that he could do the one more shock so he got ready to do that. Richard was trying to take his shockers off but the tape was sticking to the hair on his balls. Bubba went over and just yanked it off. Richard then shocked Sal's balls with the shocker. Sal wanted to get out of the studio because his balls had been fried. Things were getting a little crazy in the studio so Howard had to settle them down. He said that both of them are going to Robin's party.
Howard said that someone handed Sal the headphones and he thought that he was getting shocked again so he was shaking. Gary said that Sal was just standing there and shaking. Mike Gange came over and pulled some hair out of Sal's back so he let out another yelp.
Artie said that these guys couldn't be spies because they'd give right in if they were going to be tortured to get information out of them. Bubba said that they actually torture people on a rack down in their studio in Tampa. A caller told Howard that he's been shocked before and he knows how much it hurts. Gary said that these things leave marks on the guys so it's crazy.
Howard said that he's not really in control of these guys, it's SIRIUS that hired them so if they make them stop, it's not his fault. Howard said that this was the funniest thing he's seen though. Richard said that he feels very energized after all of that.
Howard had the guys bring in the girls who wanted to come in but he didn't want to have Bubba shocking their puss. Bubba said they already convinced them to do it though. One of the girls was wearing a shirt that said ''Howard Shocked My Puss.'' The girls, Akira and Jess both work at the Hustler club in New York City. Gary wanted to see how the shocker effects the girls but Howard wanted to see them on the Sybian. Richard recognized Jess from doing porn. She got a plug for her web site JessWakefield.com after that.
Jess said that she's seen the Sybian on his TV show but she's never tried it before. Howard had the girls get on the thing and told them to let them know what was going on. Gary made a suggestion and told the girls to go face to face on the Sybian. Howard said this gets them off the gay stuff and he appreciates that.
The girls took off their tops and Bubba told Akira to take off her panties. Howard told the girls to do whatever they wanted, they didn't have to take off their panties if they didn't want to. Gary took control of the Sybian and started them out slow. This was the first time two women have ridden the thing at the same time. The girls started to make out as Gary turned on the machine. Richard had his pants off so Howard told him he had to pull them back up. The girls said they could take another 20 percent so Gary turned it up more.
Howard told Gary to jack it up even more and the girls were moaning as it kept creeping up more and more. Gary had it up to 100 percent after just a short time. Bubba told the girls to kiss more. Howard asked them if it was happening yet for them. They said that it had so Howard had Gary turn it down so they could get off of the machine.
After the girls got off the Sybian Bubba wanted to shock them so they had to take a vote. Howard was the only one who didn't want to do it so everyone else won out and the girls were going to take the shock collar. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's the master and he loves the Sybian. He said he wanted to hear him shock Bubba's balls. Howard said he's afraid of that thing though. He said that it leaves a mark on people so the girls said that they would take it easy.
The girls were nervous about getting shocked but Gary said that they had just been on the Sybian at 100 percent and also had the thing on 80 percent rotation so that was pretty intense. One of the girls said that she's a real pussy when it comes to pain and it couldn't be that bad. She told the guys to turn the shock thing on to the lowest setting. Gary said the lowest was 8 but they knew better.
Bubba counted down and shocked Jess who let out a yelp. She said it wasn't that painful, it was just surprising. Howard said she almost hit the ceiling though. Bubba tried to shock Akira but she wasn't effected as much as Jess was. He tried again and had her screaming out in pain. She started to cry after that because it hurt so much. She said she never wants to feel like that again. Howard had the girls take the stuff off since they weren't into it.
After the girls were done Howard let them get some plugs. Bubba was smelling the Shock the Puss devices as the girls were getting in their plugs. He let the other guys smell them as well. The girls will also be going to the Film Festival tonight.
Bubba said that one of the girls has a sugar daddy who was giving her like five grand a month and not getting anything out of her. Bubba figures he's a loser if he's not getting any pussy. She told the guys that he was in his 40s and she's into older guys anyway. Akira said that she doesn't have her own web site yet but she will have one soon. You can check her out on Jess' web site for now.
Howard asked Akira about her sex life and found out that she was a good girl when she was younger. She said that a guy took her virginity on a bathroom floor at a party she went to. She said that she'll do just about anything to a guy these days. She won't shit on guys though, she said that's one thing she refuses to do. Howard wrapped up with everyone and went to break a short time later.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was drooling on himself as he was listening to this show today. The guy also said that he should have the biggest shit eating grin on his face in every picture he takes because he's so lucky he gets to do this stuff. Howard was watching the footage of the guys getting shocked while he was talking to him so he had to ask them to stop playing it because it was so distracting.
Bobo called in and said that this was the greatest show ever and both Richard and Sal should be invited to every party that they have in the future. Howard tried to take another call but he was distracted because there's a lot of stuff going on out in the hall. There was some controversy with Ronnie kicking people out of the halls and stuff.
Ronnie came in and told Benjy to mind his business because he was talking about what he heard. Howard said that he told Ronnie that he has to keep the halls clear and he's going to have a talk with Tim Sabean about all of the people who are wandering the halls. Ronnie said that Dan the Song Parody Man was there and he didn't clear it with Gary. Gary said that he comes up sometimes and he spends too much time in other people's space. Gary said that there are just too many people out in the hall. He said they were actually giving tours of the studios while the show is going on and that's not cool.
Howard said that Tim lines up about 50 people for him to meet after the show and he can't do that. Ronnie said that Steve Langford was giving him a hard time about being kicked out and kind of threatened him so that's not cool either.
Howard had the guys in the control room show some of the video to Richard as Sal and Richard Christy were getting their balls shocked. Richard said he's going to be wearing a suit tonight, not a tux like Howard and the crew will be wearing. Howard told him he might be under dressed because they've asked the audience to get dressed up as well.
Howard said that they have Sam Simon, director Todd Phillips and Richard Belzer coming in to add some legitimacy to the film festival tonight. Richard said that Todd Phillips has made some good movies including Old School which Artie was in. Richard said he's looking forward to seeing Artie's movie ''Beer League'' later this year. Artie said that he doesn't care if the critics like his movie or not. He said that it doesn't matter to him if they do or not. He figures they won't like it because of the goofy jokes he has in the movie. It's blue collar, low brow humor according to Artie.
Richard said that Howard's movie got good reviews and films like that do get good reviews sometimes. Tonight they'll have the trailer for Artie's movie so Richard will get to see that tonight. Howard said that they're going to have some great prizes for the winner tonight and at most film festivals, people have to pay to have their movies entered in film festivals.
Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard about some of the news crews that were going to be at the film festival tonight and there are a lot of legitimate people who are going to be there. Howard said he's going to be talking to a lot of them and wants to make sure that this becomes an annual event. They have many of the evening entertainment shows, MTV, G4 and many other news teams coming in to cover the event. Howard said that the winner gets $30,000 in cash and prizes tonight. Doug said that they have other prizes for second and third places as well.
Howard made a suggestion for the festival and asked Doug to slip in that clip of Sal getting his balls shocked sometime tonight. Doug said he could make that happen. Howard said that they have a picture up on HowardStern.com of Sal getting shocked and it's pretty funny. Doug said he's never laughed so hard at something on the show than when they were getting shocked.
Richard said that his girlfriend will be flying in this afternoon to go with him to the show. Howard said that proves he's not gay. Richard let Howard know that Ebert and Roeper got picked up for another season, the 7th season. He said that people still come up to him and tell him that they love him on Siskel and Ebert.
Richard's girlfriend is only 23 years old, half his age, so Howard told him that was disgusting. He said that 19 years difference should be the cut off. Howard asked Richard what's coming out this summer. The new Superman movie is coming out and Howard thinks that it's going to suck. Richard said that it's supposed to be ''The summer movie'' though.
Howard thinks that the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean will fail. Richard said that the first one went on way too long and he gave it a thumbs down. He said that they filmed two sequels back to back so there will be one this summer and one next summer. There was too much of it in the first one according to Richard.
Howard asked Richard more about his 23 year old girlfriend and about how he met her. He said that someone actually introduced them. He said the sex is great and she's a beautiful girl. He said her parents didn't freak out when he met them. He said he could marry her some day but by the time she turns 30, he may be dead.
Artie told the guys that the name of his movie is actually going to be ''Artie Lange's Beer League.'' Richard said that the new studio is great. He hasn't had a tour yet so Howard told him he'd have Gary walk him around. They got back to the summer movies and talked about X-Men, Superman and some of the other stuff that's coming out.
Richard was also saying that he's not a big fan of Tom Cruise's Mission Impossible movies. He said he never gets what's going on in those movies. He's had a lot of hit movies though. Robin said that even though you hate the movies, you still want to go see them.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that the first Mission Impossible movie was great. Artie agrees with him and said that the second one sucked. Howard liked War of the Worlds but a lot of the other guys didn't. Howard said that he liked the first couple of X-Men movies and he's hoping that the new one will be good. Ralph said that the new Superman outfit looks kind of gay. Howard agreed with that as well.
Howard said that he's looking forward to the new Spider-Man movie because they're going to have Venom and Sandman as the villains. That got Howard talking about Venom and explained to the guys who Venom is and how he has a black Spider-Man outfit. Ralph and Howard were arguing about how Venom got the black Spider-Man outfit. Richard said that if someone is tuning in for the first time right then, they're going to thing they're listening to the Loser Geek channel, not Howard 100.
Howard read Richard's top 10 list and said that he doesn't want to see many of the movies that are on the list. He also asked Richard about ''Flight 93.'' Richard said that it's almost like a documentary and it's good but some people may not want to relive that whole thing. Howard brought up the movie ''Munich'' and said he has no desire to see another Spielberg movie about Jews being killed.
Howard asked if everyone in the studio was going to go see ''Flight 93'' and a few of the guys said they will see it. Robin said she will go to see it after reading the reviews she's seen. Howard went on to read some of Richard's 10 worst movies. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how horrible Ashton Kutcher's movies are after Howard brought up the movie ''Guess Who.'' The number one worst movie on his list was Dukes of Hazard. Robin said that movie was so bad it shouldn't even be considered a movie. Richard said that he would have rather had his balls shocked than go see that movie.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who suggested using the picture of Sal getting his balls shocked as the trophy for next year. Another guy told Richard that the thumbs up and down is the lamest way to review a movie because you don't get a real idea of how bad or good a movie is.
Angry Black called in and told Howard that Beth should not do Dancing with the Stars because 6 weeks is too much time away from Howard. He also brought up the comic books that Howard was talking about but Howard realized how boring those discussions were so he hung up on him.
Howard took another call from High Pitch Eric who said that he had a bone to pick with Richard because he called him a bad actor. Howard told him he can take that up with him at the Film Festival tonight. Eric said he'll be in a tux tonight, he got measured and everything. He says he'll be wearing a size 56 jacket. Howard wrapped up with Richard a short time later and went to break.
He said he had Mike Walker on the phone and wanted to talk gossip with him. He told Mike that he's got to come in and get his balls shocked sometime so he knows what that's like. Howard was having some trouble with Mike's levels so he asked the guys to turn it up.
Howard read a story about Heather Locklear and Denise Richards and wondered who is crazier. Denise has been going out with Heather's ex Richie Sambora. He said that Denise may have prompted Heather to divorce Richie and now she's dating Richie. Mike added to the story and said that something went on there because they were best friends and now they're not. The question is if Denise was doing Richie before Heather broke it off with him.
Howard asked Mike if he thinks that Denise is weirder than Charlie Sheen. Mike said that Charlie is a whack job and she knew what she was getting into with him when she married him. Howard read that Heather was so close with Denise that she invited her among only 5 other women to a party she had last year. Mike said that Denise is a very strange chick who is like a ticking time bomb.
Howard said that Denise was in Starship Troopers which was one of his favorite movies of all time. He said he watched that movie about 50 times. Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said he heard that there was an article in the paper about a woman who claims he hit on her when he was working at WCCC in Hartford. Howard said if that's true, he'd like to get the woman on the air to prove her claims. He said he was so devoted to his wife that he didn't hit on anyone back then.
Double A called back and said that he doesn't have the ticket that they claim he got. He said he wants to know what he has to do to get in tonight. Howard told him that he may be able to get in without a ticket but Doug thinks that he's lying about not getting the ticket. Doug said that he's been begging and begging to get his girl in tonight and that's what he thinks he's doing. Doug said that he'll make sure he gets in... That's the most important thing he has to deal with tonight. Doug wants people to just take their ticket, enjoy the show and leave them alone.
Robin said she just learned that her driver just got 2 tickets and she was shocked when she heard that. Doug said he thought that came directly from her but that wasn't the case.
Howard went to Jon Hein who gave them a rundown of what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show. Jon will also be doing a Wrap Up Show at 10 tonight during the After Party. He mentioned the stuff they'll be talking about on this morning's Wrap Up Show. Bubba and Brent will be on with them. Gary said that they have a really strange press request from the Rita Cosby Show. She wants to drive over with Howard in his limo on the way to the Film Festival. Howard said that he will do it if Dan Clores approves it.
Jon said they'll be talking to JD about his review of Robin's movie. They'll also talk to Ronnie about his rules out in the hallways of the Howard Stern Show. Howard wants the camera guys to cover what goes on out there. Scott let Howard know that they have audio of Ronnie yelling at Dan the Song Parody Man out in the hall earlier. Howard played the clip where Ronnie told Dan to go wait outside and Dan kind of refused. He didn't know why Ronnie was making such a big deal out of the whole thing.
Ronnie told Dan he was trying to explain the rules to him and he wasn't hearing them. Dan said that Ronnie was the one who wasn't hearing him. Ronnie wanted to get Tim Sabean involved but Dan didn't seem to care about that. Gary said that Dan was there to get his tickets from Doug Goodstein and he told him not to stick around but he didn't listen.
Gary said that Sal came into his office and said he didn't want to creep him out. He told him that maybe he and Richard could hang with Howard before the film festival and maybe ride over in his limo. Gary said that Howard doesn't want to hang out with them. Howard told them that he doesn't want to hang out with those two guys before the festival. He'll hang out with them there. Howard said he wants to nap and then show up at the festival. Sal said he feels bad for Howard, Beth is away and he might be lonely. Howard said he has some time for himself, he's not that lonely.
Sal said that he's sorry that he got caught jerking off there because today would have been one of the days that he'd throw off a batch because the Asian chick was so hot earlier. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Artie said he was in the room when JD told Sal and Richard about what he saw and he didn't really bash it. Robin told him to shut up too because she didn't want anyone talking about the movie anymore.
A little later on Howard played some audio of Mike Walker shortly before he got on the air breathing very heavy into the microphone. Howard thinks that he might be in trouble if his breathing is that heavy. It sounded like a hurricane to him.
Artie said that the Asian chick, Akira, came up to him during the break earlier and said that she saw him doing his stand-up act one time where he was talking about shitting his pants while he was on heroin... Then she asked him if she could have a picture of him. He thought that was kind of funny.
Howard said that his film is only a little over a minute long. Artie said his is like a minute and 30 seconds too. Howard said that his movie, ''Fred,'' is actually kind of creepy and it hits you after you've watched it. Howard said it may or may not be about Fred. It could actually be ''For Robin... E. D.'' He said that the ED could stand for something but he wasn't giving it out.
Ralph asked Howard if they're going to start drinking at 5 tonight. Howard said that Ralph was busy over at his apartment yesterday using the microwave five minutes after he got there. Artie asked if he can get away with not wearing his bow tie with his tux. Howard told him to just wear the tie and stop trying to be such a rebel. Artie said he hates wearing bow ties because they're so uncomfortable.
Howard told Ralph to just come over, dress him and then leave. He said some people in New York have mice, he has Ralph. He can't get rid of him. Howard was wondering what he's going to eat for dinner. He didn't have any plans and he wasn't sure if there would be anything at the After Party. Gary came in and said that they're only having hours deurves at the party. Gary said he's going to have a couple slices of pizza at about 5:45 tonight.
Howard and Ralph spent a minute talking about Ralph's visit to Bubba's show yesterday. Ralph said that the shocker made him bleed because it was so intense. Howard wondered how Richard and Sal could take the shock on their balls then. Sal came in and said it looks like he has a rug burn on his balls from that thing. Richard said that he had a couple of marks on his balls too. Howard noticed that Richard had really red lips after taking that Cialis stuff earlier in the morning. Richard said that he feels kind of strange now.
Howard said that he thinks that the shocking show will be the most watched and paused show on Howard TV. He had the guys play some of that for Ralph so he could see it. He saw Sal getting shocked so he wanted to see Richard's too. They showed that and Richard thought it was kind of funny how they had a strobe light in the studio while they were getting shocked. Howard said he still laughs every time he sees Sal getting shocked. He told Ralph how Bubba ripped the duct tape off of Sal's balls when Sal wanted to get out of it.
Richard said that Sal should be hooked up to that shocker and Howard should put up an electronic fence around his apartment. The In Demand guys were playing more of the clips from the shocking so Howard described what was going on and said that the stuff will be available on Howard Stern On Demand tomorrow night sometime. He asked Ralph what it would cost to get that thing hooked up to his balls. Ralph said it would cost a lot of money.
Sal did the shocking to get into Robin's party but he just found out that he has to go to a Christening that day and he won't be able to make it. Sal said he can't get out of that and he's really bummed. Robin told him that this could have broken the ice with Howard and maybe Howard would eventually have him over to his apartment after seeing that he could behave at her party. Howard said that Sal got his balls shocked to go see a kid eat a cracker.
Howard said hello to Bubba's girlfriend Heather who has been with him for about 3 years. Howard asked her if she knows what Bubba does for a living. She said she does and she doesn't seem to mind it. She said she thinks that he's an incredibly creative person. She said she once tried the shock collar on her arm and she thought that the shocking the puss thing was a good idea.
Brent and Bubba talked about the old days when they would shock people on stage at clubs they were working at. Robin asked Heather if it's true that Bubba is great at oral sex. She said that is true and he can make her squirt. She couldn't believe that she was talking about that stuff on the air. Howard asked her how she met Bubba so she filled him in on that. Howard wondered if she could handle being married to him when he's got a job like he does. She said she could handle it.
Bubba told Howard that Heather is a freak. She may not look like one but she is. Howard asked her what offends her the most about what Bubba does. She said she would rather not say what it is. Bubba said that she does complain about some stuff like when he has some hot whores in the studio.
Howard showed the guys some video of the girls getting their puss shocked from earlier in the show. Ralph hadn't seen it yet so it was new to him. Howard wondered if Bubba and Brent would get their women together. Bubba said he had to draw the line at that, he doesn't want to mess things up with Brent because they have to work together.
Gary told Howard that Bubba's girlfriend has a huge rock on her finger so he checked that out. It was a 5 carat diamond in the middle and a 4 on the side so it was about $108,000. Howard wrapped up the show after that and said that he'd see the girls at the party tonight.
Ronnie came in and told Howard that Bubba's girl has really nice tits. He got to see them when he was on Bubba's show one time. By this time it was 11:50 in the morning so the Wrap Up Show wasn't going to happen. Howard ended it a short time later.
Howard said he did Artie a favor and had his American Idol discussion with Gary off the air before the show. He then mentioned the time and said that it could be wrong if people are listening later in the day when they rerun the show.
Robin asked Howard what he thought of American Idol last night. He spent a couple of minutes talking about the Elvis songs that the people were performing on the show last night and how bad that was.
Howard said that he wanted to address something. There's a story running about how he wants to go to terrestrial radio that's just not true. He said it is true that three companies have offered him the chance to go back to terrestrial radio but that doesn't mean he wants it. That would be a big sell-out in his opinion and he has no desire to go back there. He said he's not in the same position as Opie and Anthony and they'd be the first to tell you that they had 35,000 listener when they were charging an extra dollar to hear their show on XM.
Howard said that he loves the freedom on satellite and he can't imagine for a minute saying to his audience that he's going to offer the show for free after millions followed him to satellite. Robin also said that they'd have to shackle themselves if they went back there. Howard has heard that radio has been getting lamer and lamer and taking a step backwards.
Howard doesn't care about Opie and Anthony, Rover, Mancow... any of them. He doesn't want to think about having someone like Tom Chiusano walking in every day to tell him what he can't say on the air. When Howard mentioned the deals he was offered, he was just telling the fans about what he was offered. He's not going back there.
Artie said that being on satellite is the one thing in his life that's not a disaster right now. He said he can go to sleep and not worry about what he can and can't say on the air. Robin said that there were some people at her party who are still at K-Rock who were worried because they're working with Opie and Anthony. Robin said that she told them that they just don't care about that anymore.
Howard said he could play about 7,000 news reports about this whole thing. There's nothing going on there though. He said that 3 companies have come to him and offered him a job on terrestrial radio but he's not going to take any of those deals. SIRIUS is the place he wants to be, that's it. His hard core listeners would think that he's the biggest piece of shit if he went back to free radio. He said he'd be the biggest sell-out if he did something like that.
Howard said he thinks that SIRIUS is the best deal out there and he's backing that fully. Artie talked about some of the great stuff he was listening to on SIRIUS on his way down to Robin's house on Saturday. Howard said he was listening to some great stuff as well.
Howard said that he's not going to two different shows where he does a clean one and a dirty one, that's just gay. He has an audience who pays to hear his show and he's not going to water that down. Robin said that when Whoopi Goldberg was hired by Clear Channel, they're still mentioning Howard's name. None of the guys think that her show is going to go anywhere. On the other hand, Howard wished her well.
Howard played some audio clips from shows where people were discussing these deals that he's been offered. There are a lot of people who think he's going back but he never said he was. One guy was saying that Howard saw the Opie and Anthony deal and he's trying to get the same thing. Howard said that deal is lame because they're doing a clean show for 3 hours and then going to XM and doing 2 hours of their regular show.
Howard said ''I will never go to terrestrial radio.'' as he was playing the audio clips. He played another clip of Dorothy Lucy talking about how going to satellite was a bad idea for Howard. Howard said he wants to call into one of these shows to straighten them out. He went off on her for a short time and said that just because he was offered something doesn't mean he wants it. Howard said that ''Dorothy Lucy is retarded'' and said that you can quote him on that.
Howard has been on satellite for less than 6 months now and they're still talking about him everywhere. Dorothy Lucy said that Howard had said that he was planning on taking his show to regular radio but he never said that. Howard said that terrestrial radio is his past, he's moving on and SIRIUS is his focus now. His only ambition right now is to help make SIRIUS successful.
Howard said that he's offering his fans 2 channels of content and that's it. He continued to play the Dorothy Lucy audio clip and she was saying that it's driving him crazy being on SIRIUS. Howard asked why these people just don't ask him about that before reporting on stuff like that.
Howard said he has zero interest in selling his show to terrestrial radio. SIRIUS has zero interest in doing that and he would not sell his audience out by going back there. He said that he promised his fans that he's going to offer a great, uncensored show and that's what he's doing. It is true that he's had offers from 3 major companies to go back to terrestrial but it's not happening.
Howard played a report from a TV station in Tampa where they were reporting that he's coming back to terrestrial. That's just not true.
Howard said that yesterday he played a clip of the head of the NAB who was saying that satellite radio has to be covered by the FCC. Howard said that the NAB used to keep FM radio out of their organization but they eventually let them in. He thinks that the NAB will eventually let satellite radio companies in there as well. He said that they can all suck his dick as far as he's concerned.
Howard continued to play the Tampa clip where one of the reporters said that Howard is always making some kind of deal as if it was a problem. Howard said that's show business, he gets offers all the time. Howard wondered if he should care this much about this stuff or if he should move on. Robin said that he should counter this stuff because it could make some people think that they should hold off on getting satellite radios.
Howard said that the WB 11 station in New York was apparently one of the first stations to go with this story. He wanted to go back to them to get the story out there that he's not going back. Gary suggested that they go to the Associated Press to get the word out that he has no plans to go back to terrestrial. He does want to talk to a reporter but Gary told him they may not be able to get a reporter this early in the morning. Howard told him not to tell him his problems, just make it happen.
Howard goofed on Gary for a short time and said he didn't want to get stuck in Gary's thought process. Fred played a ''Sanford and Son'' Baba Booey song parody as he was goofing on Gary.
Howard said that he was reading a story about the Time 100 Party that was held last night and no one good showed up. He read the story, from Lloyd Grove's column, where he talked about the people that did show up to the event. Howard was invited but he threw out his invitation. Sean ''Puffy'' Combs was there and commented on the lamb dinner he had. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were there but Howard was pretty sure they weren't even on the list. Condoleza Rice was there as well. Howard said that it looks like there were some decent guests there.
Artie pointed out that Page Six gave him a bit of a dig when they mentioned that it would have been tough to seat Howard next to anyone at that party. Howard said they don't have to worry about that because he wouldn't show up to a lame thing like that.
Gary told Howard that the AP passed on the story so he's going to call another service. The guy's supervisor didn't want the guy going on the air with Howard. Gary said that he may go to Reuters, FOX or someone like that. Howard was thinking about going to Reuters because he needs someone big to get his statement out there.
Howard was getting tired and wasn't as fired up as he was about the story. Robin told him to play more audio clips to get him riled up again. Howard played another news report about him going back to terrestrial and it worked. One woman was saying that Howard's show would be put on terrestrial radio after being edited.
Joey Boots called in and told Howard that the Howard 100 News should take the statement and spread the news for him. Howard said that they won't do that though because they want the story for their own news. Artie said that they're already reporting it on Howard's show so that doesn't really work. Howard told Boots that maybe he should tell his friends and they'll tell more friends and they can spread the story that way.
Howard asked Boots how his life is going now that he's not drinking. Boots said that it's going great right now and he's very happy.
Artie went into his Jeff the Drunk impression and Fred did his Crackhead Bob impression. Eric told Howard that it's annoying and infantile to make fun of his voice. Howard said that he should now understand the show then. It's infantile. Howard told Eric he needs to have a sense of humor about that stuff.
Eric told Howard he doesn't want to be associated with the Wack Pack either. Howard said he fits every criteria because he has a funny voice and he lives with his mother. Eric said he no longer lives with his mother so that's not true. Howard told Eric he's being silly, it's a radio show, it's supposed to be fun. Eric asked how many other Wack Packers have graduated school with high GPA. Howard didn't seem to think that made much of a difference.
Howard told Eric that the thing that puts him in the Wack Pack is that he has voted for people on American Idol 900 times. It's his personality and the funny things that he says. Howard said that normal people don't do that and they don't call the show and demand that they introduce them to Carrie Underwood. Artie said that if they got him a blow job from Carmen Electra, he'd complain that she didn't play with his nuts.
Artie told him that he's more of a wack packer than the guy who made up the word ''skreed'' (Riley Martin). He also said that his voice puts him right in the Wack Pack. Howard loves that Eric can't even keep himself off the show after banning himself.
Howard asked Eric what it was that made him call back in. Eric said that he was still coming up with topics and wanted to be able to finally call back in. He said that they were still having him as part of the show even when he wasn't calling in. Howard said he's kind of like a rape victim just giving in.
Howard told Eric that he's no longer in the Wack Pack which seemed to make Eric happy. Howard told him he will no longer have VIP passes to any events or anything like that. He no longer has any special phone lines to call or anything like that. He's no longer Eric the Midget, he's just plain old Eric.
Eric said that he would like to be their West Coast correspondent and report on stuff for them. He asked Howard if he's going to send one of his staff to the finale of ''Survivor.'' Howard said he's not going to do that. Eric said he would like to go to the finale of ''American Idol'' and report for them. It turns out that he was trying to get tickets to the event and no one was able to get him in. Robin said that appears to be the reason that Eric was calling in today.
Howard accidentally put Gary the Retard on the line. Gary was saying that he doesn't want Eric in the Wack Pack. Howard hung up on Eric by accident so he had to pretend to be Eric arguing with Gary the Retard. Artie started calling Gary a retard which got him all riled up.
Eric the Midget was back on the line but Gary the Retard was off when he put Eric on. He got pissed when he wasn't able to put them both on at the same time. Artie said that right now Gary is yelling into a blender.
Robin and Artie were saying that Eric is just trying to get tickets to the American Idol finale by calling in. They were kind of bummed out that it was the only reason he was calling in. Howard got Gary back on the line and then had Eric pitch his idea to Gary the Retard. He was going to let Gary make the decision about whether or not to give him a job. Gary was saying that maybe they could have the two of them fly to New York to argue on the air.
Howard said he can't trust Eric when he does stuff like this. Gary told Eric to speak up and called him a ''motherfucker.'' Robin told Eric that they would only send a Wack Packer to the American Idol finale. Howard was telling Gary the Retard that he could hook him up with tickets instead of sending Eric. Gary had no idea what American Idol was but Howard said he was going to send him. He even told Eric that he's the one who will make all of the plans for Gary to go down there.
Gary (Baba Booey) told Howard that all of the news sources have passed on talking to Howard on the air. The only one to accept was CBS national news. Howard let Eric go and called him ''Eric the Person'' as he was letting him go. Howard said he just wanted to talk to a reporter on the air, not have a camera down there. He told Gary to forget the whole thing, he doesn't want a camera crew down there. He wondered what happened to journalists who would do anything for a story. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard told Larry that he used to have 22 minutes of commercials per hour on terrestrial radio and he has no desire to go back to that type of radio. He told Larry that it would be a kick in the pants to the people who pay to hear his uncensored show. He's thrilled to be there and the spin should be that terrestrial radio is begging him to come back. Three companies have come to him and offered to put him back on.
Larry said that one reason he could go back is to slap Opie and Anthony around a bit. Howard said he doesn't need to do that though. He pointed out that they're doing that to show that they're still alive. He was also saying that he managed to bring over about 3.5 million of his fans to SIRIUS and that's unheard of. Terrestrial radio is the same old boring crap that it has been for the past few years.
Howard said that when he reported that he was offered the chance to go back, he was just letting his fans know what was going on with him. He said there is no turning back now. Being on satellite radio is great because it's not interrupted by endless commercials. No one is hitting the button on his show anymore. Larry knows the show so he mentioned Dead Air Dave's name as they were talking about the button hitting. Larry told Howard that they'll get the story out there for him today. Howard let him go after that.
Steve said that the demographics that he show has are what's the network is looking for and the show doesn't have the right demographics for The WB. Steve said that the WB was trying to get a broader audience by putting shows on for older people and it didn't work for them.
Howard asked if The Apprentice is still a hit. Steve said it still gets ratings but they moved it to Monday night and it's a very competitive night. Howard said he's never actually seen the show. Steve explained to Howard what they did this past week by pushing products in their challenges. The Outback paid a lot of money to have their product featured on the show.
Howard asked if The View is still a hit. Steve said he's heard a lot of things about that show and Star Jones is coming across as a bit of a phony after losing the weight the way she did and things like that. The show is still a bit of a hit though. Howard said he heard that Rosie O'Donnell's show only had about 2.5 million viewers. Steve said that's not true, she had a lot of listeners and actually had more when she left the air than Ellen's show does now.
Robin asked about Tyra Banks show. Steve said that the show does well enough that it makes money so it stays on the air. Howard asked if Smallville is still a hit. Steve said that it does help the WB with ratings so, yes, it is considered a hit on that network. ''Lost'' and ''Desperate Housewives'' are still hits although they've both dropped off a bit. ''The Sopranos'' is still a hit but it's dropped off quite a bit because people are watching it in many different ways now.
Robin asked about ''Survivor'' which is still a hit according to Steve. Artie asked about ''My Name is Earl'' because he thinks that it's not as big of a hit as NBC makes it out to be. Steve said that NBC is doing okay with the show but it's not as big as NBC's old Thursday night shows were. About 11 million people watch that and 9-10 stick with ''The Office'' after that show. Howard pointed out that Lost is being put up against American Idol for the season finale. Steve said that Lost did very well last year when they did the same thing. He said that a lot of people are using new technology like TiVo and other things to watch the shows when they want even when they're both on at the same time. Howard thanked Steve for calling in and let him go a short time later.
Lisa said that they're going to explore how you become a member of the Wack Pack today since Eric the Midget was on earlier this morning. Howard said that the people have to have a weird voice, they have to do wacky things. Eric fits both of those. Lisa said that they'll be talking about Artie's upcoming movie ''Beer League'' and also about some of the staff members who have the shakes. Sal and Scott DePace both shake quite a bit. They're going to look deeper into that. Lisa also got in a plug for tonight's ''The Intern Show'' which airs at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard asked the guy if he's ever met a Jew. The guy said he never has. The guy said he has met black people though, there are a lot of them out there. Howard said there was a movement to rename that state ''Neblackska'' at one time. Robin said that was Howard who was behind that movement. He went into his Mama Lookabooboday character a little bit and the caller told him he loves his Riley Martin impression. He did a little bit of that impression for the guy as well.
Howard played Dan the Song Parody Man's ''Dumped by a Jersey Girl'' song parody about Artie as the caller was getting off the line. Howard said that's quite an epic song. Artie made sure that he let everyone know that he didn't write the song and he doesn't know if Dana is dating anyone.
Howard said he had a dream about Beth being with some other dude last night and it was a nightmare for him. He said he can't imagine her being with anyone else.
Howard got a lot of mail about the Rappin' Granny segment yesterday and people are all over the place on that one. He wanted to read the mail but he wasn't able to find it. He played some audio of Granny on the Sybian from yesterday where she was begging for more as she was on it. Fred said that the sickest thing about it was that she was holding her cane as she was riding that thing. Howard said that she wasn't able to walk after she got off of the machine. The In Demand guys showed some video of her riding the thing and the guys got a few laughs out of that.
Jason brought in the mail about Rappin' Granny so Howard went through that. Some people were disturbed by her riding the thing and others thought it was great. One person pointed out that Bubba will only bring in hot chicks to crazy stuff on his show.
Howard mentioned that the whole Film Festival is up on Howard TV ON Demand now and it's 2 and a half hours long. He had to take a break after that.
Howard wondered what happened to David Lee Roth after CBS fired him. Artie said he heard that Roth is preparing a new music tour but he's going to be performing country songs. Artie said he seems to be jumping all kinds of sharks these days.
Howard brought up the time he was going to run for governor. He said he had a few things on his campaign where he wanted to use burned up criminals as filler for potholes. He was also for the death penalty back then but these days he's starting to think that it's just not right. He was reading a story about someone out in Michigan who spent 17 years in prison for something he didn't do. He died in prison and it turns out he didn't commit the crime. He said that poor guy had to sit in jail every day knowing that he didn't commit the crime.
Howard said that the guy was accused of raping and killing a 16 year old girl. He said that if he thought that he was guilty, he'd probably vote for the death penalty in that case. These days people can just make claims and people believe them. He used CBS' lawsuit against him as an example. Howard said that he's for the death penalty in certain situations but wit this guy he's against it.
Howard said that he would kill Osama Bin Laden for what he's done but other criminals are questionable unless you know for sure that they're guilty.
Howard read the article that was in today's paper about the dog that was saved. The two other dogs have already been put to sleep because of what happened. The family is upset about the dog being saved to possibly hurt another child in the future.
Howard also brought up the crocodile picture frames that he recently got and how he's still torn on what to do with them. He called his brother-in-law who told him that the animal is already dead so he may want to keep them but they may have been killed just for their hides so it's up to him if he wants to keep them or not. Howard used to feel that everything was there for humans to use but these days he's having second thoughts about leather and crocodile skins.
Howard said that people were coming down on Robin about her ivory tusks as well. She said that she would never want elephants hunted just for their tusks but she still has one.
Howard said that he read that Joey was upset with them after they didn't have him on during the last week of shows. Howard said that they don't just have people on all that often and they didn't get to him in those final weeks. Joey said that was then, this is now and he's not upset with them anymore.
Joey said that they had a camera over there at his house for Howard TV. Howard went on to ask Joey if there are any romances going on over there at The Sopranos. Joey didn't know of any. Howard wondered if Edi Falco is getting laid. Joey said all he does is go in and do his job.
Howard thinks that Joey is going to get killed off this week because he's saying that he has a big show this week.
Artie told a story about how he blew $38,000 in a poker game one night. He said he was up by $7,000 at one point but he ended up losing that huge amount. Howard got back to Joey and talked about how so many of the cast members on the show have been in trouble with the law.
Artie said he's heard that Joey may be up for an Emmy nomination. Joey said they did submit a couple of episodes so that is possible. Howard told him he's been doing a great job on the show. Howard said it would be great if Joey got raped by all five of the families in the season finale.
Ralph called in and told Joey he looked better when he had more weight on him. Joey said that he was out getting double hip replacement just a few weeks ago. He said he used to play hockey and the weight he had on him didn't help. Howard said that Joey was one of those fat guys who could pull off being fat.
Howard said that Joey has given them a clip from The Sopranos that's an exclusive for them. He played the clip which was actually from a gay porn movie that they've played on the show before. Howard let that play for a short time and then gave Joey a plug for his book ''A Meal to Die For : A Culinary Novel of Crime'' and web site JoeSoup.com. He let Joey go after that.
Howard said that he was going to take a break but he had to pee too. Gary told him that the band, Live, needs to do a sound check during the break too. Howard said that was fine. The band is coming in to recreate some of the songs that they performed over at K-Rock because they lost the rights to play them when they left.
Howard wondered if Booker is wrong to ask him to do this stuff. Robin said she's not sure that he'd want to remind people that Howard is out there. She said that if she was going to be ''the man'' in the mornings, she's not sure that she'd want to get Howard's endorsement. Howard wondered if it's cool for a friend to ask for a favor like that. He's never done that himself.
Howard said that he knows Billy Joel pretty well but he would never call him and ask him to do the show. He said that if Billy wanted to do it, he'd do it. He's not going to beg the guy to do it. The guys spent a few minutes on that.
Gary asked Howard if they were going to pass on Mary Jo Buttafuoco call today. Howard said they had to because they had so much going on today. Howard said he doesn't care that much about Joey and Amy Fisher doing their thing on Entertainment Tonight thing this week but he would like to speak to Mary Jo.
Howard said he may yell at Booker about this whole thing when he gets back from break.
Booker claims that Howard told him that he would call in on the first show but Howard doesn't remember it that way. Booker swore that's what he did but Howard said he didn't mean it. Booker said he even told Howard he really didn't have to do that for him.
Howard said that he told Booker that he thought it was a great move for him to go to Philly because it's a great place and getting away from that other station was a great idea. Howard put all of the personal stuff aside and said that he wishes Booker good luck because he's a good man.
Howard also wanted to use Booker's show to clear up some stuff. He told Booker about how he was offered the chance to go back to terrestrial radio by three companies but he's not going to do it. Booker told him he doesn't need to do it either. Booker said that he's never seen Howard happier on satellite and he knows that he couldn't go back to terrestrial. He said that he knows that there's no way he's coming back to terrestrial radio. Howard said that he can do whatever he wants there on satellite and that's just what they're doing. He believes that it's the best thing he's ever done and he would never burn his fans by going back to free radio.
Artie said that he's never heard Booker in full ass-kiss mode like he is this morning. Booker was saying that he believes he's on his way up but Howard interrupted and asked him what he was talking about. Booker asked him not to bust his balls so Howard laid off. He went on to say that it's a big compliment when he gets an offer to go back to terrestrial radio but he's not going to do it.
Artie jokingly said that he's signed a deal to go to terrestrial where people will only hear what he says. Howard said that Artie is great on the show now that he can say anything. That's what's great about the show. Howard said he hopes that Clear Channel pays Booker if something happens. Robin pointed out that Clear Channel is the company that just hired Whoopi Goldberg. Howard said he thinks that will work out about as well as David Lee Roth's show. Fred played a bomb dropping whistle sound as they were talking about that.
Howard said that it's great that Booker left the station that was overlooking him to do his own morning show. Artie put Booker on the spot and asked him to name three Phillies and three Eagles. Booker said that was easy but he didn't actually name any of them.
Ralph called in and asked Booker what kind of show he's doing over there. Booker told him that he was hearing what he does right then. Booker said he can do just about anything he wants. He said he's having fun there and that's what counts. You can check them out at Q102.com. Artie said he just realized that they can't curse right now. He almost made a joke about the song that Booker mentioned. He told Booker to get off the phone because he has to get back to being funny again. Howard wished Booker luck and let him go.
Jacklyn came in a short time later so Howard asked her about how she met her man. She was working bachelor parties back then and did go fully naked that night. She said that all of the guys in the band got to see her naked and so did her current father in law.
Howard asked Jacklyn if she still dances. She doesn't need to now that she's married to one of the band members. Howard asked if she's going to break it to the kids that she used to dance. She said that they already know. Ed just wanted to plug their new album but Howard told him to calm down because this is the greatest story for a stripper ever. He said that she's the real ''Pretty Woman.'' He said he's not wasting their time here.
Jacklyn said there were actually two groups there at the bachelor party and she was one of the women who just danced, she didn't do anything with the guys like the other group of girls did. Jacklyn said that she was making good money doing that. Howard said there was another hot chick there, Dinah, so Howard spent a short time talking to her. She's Chad's wife. Howard asked her some questions about how long it took to hook up with her and bang her. She was working a corporate job when she met him and ended up meeting him one night in Vegas.
Howard thanked the girls for coming in and moved on to the band. He said he's going to ask them to perform some of the songs that they performed at K-Rock so they can have them back since they lost them at K-Rock. They went right into ''Selling the Drama'' but the sound was off a bit... just like the old K-Rock days.
Gary said that they had Ed's brother Adam sitting in with the band today. Ed said that he's been with the band for 7 or 8 years now. Howard heard that Ed was a huge fan of American Idol but Ed said he was just joking about that when he did the pre-interview. Howard said that one of the kids on American Idol covered ''Walk the Line'' and did Live's arrangement of the song and got credit for it. Ed said he spoke to the guy, Chris Daughtry, and he apologized for it so he's fine with it now.
Howard read that Ed only drinks water and nothing else but Ed said that's not true either. He said he does like Evian water but it's not the only thing he drinks.
Howard asked the guys what they think of their new studio. They thought it was very nice and they had never been up there to SIRIUS before. Howard had them perform another song after that. They performed their hit song ''I Alone'' and the sound problem had been straightened out by then so they sounded great.
The guys said that they've been together for 22 years now and that's why they're able to sound as good as Howard thought they did. Howard asked them about how they got started in the business and how they ended up blowing away the audience the way they did when they were about 14 years old. Howard said there are kids making bands all the time and actually becoming a hit is a billion to one chance.
Howard said that it was Chad's dad who helped get them a deal. Chad said he called a guy for about 365 days in a row before he would actually listen to him. They've had a lot of supporters along the way though. They did get turned down a lot before they finally did get picked up. Howard wished the guys a lot of luck and thanked them for coming in.
Howard gave the guys a plug for their new album ''Songs from Black Mountain'' and said he was going to play one of their new songs off of that. He took a phone call from a guy who wondered what took them so long to make this album. Ed said that they were in a transition period after ending their contract with Universal so they took a break for a while. Another guy said that he met the guys back stage at a show and he was blown away by Chad's wife. Howard played the guys off with their song ''Mystery'' from their new album.
Artie said that this guy was 2 weeks away from his wedding and at his bachelor party, the stripper blows him so he ends up dumping his fiancee and asked the stripper to marry him. She also blew the bachelor's brother at the same party. He's not sure how things worked out, he hasn't heard from him in a while.
Howard said that the family must have been humiliated. Artie said they were and the guy and his stripper didn't end up having a big wedding. He said that he wasn't there at the party himself but he heard stories from friends of his who were there.
Howard had a clip from The Surreal Life and Tawny Kittaen has been acting very strange on the show. She was trying to say ''Auschwitz'' in one conversation but she had trouble getting it out. She said ''Ouch-fitz'' instead.
He had another audio clip from David Letterman's show where Vince Vaughn refused to talk about dating Jennifer Aniston. He doesn't understand why people are like that. Why not just talk about it, you don't have to brag about it or anything like that. He played the clip where Vaughn wouldn't admit that he's going out with her. Howard said it was a really awkward situation for Dave who had to act like a 3 year old asking his questions.
Howard had audio of Britney Spears reading the Top 10 List on Letterman's show. Howard didn't know why they pulled that clip so Gary told him that JD just wanted to point out that she has no comedic ability. Howard wasn't even able to make it through number 10 as she was reading it. He wondered if it was Britney or the awful Top 10 list that was the problem. Artie said that they've been trying to make something happen with that segment for 20 years now. They won't give it up.
Howard talked more about the Tawny clip and how she screwed that up. He said that she's making the Surreal Life kind of disturbing this season. Robin talked about the Hulk Hogan show ''Hogan Knows Best'' and how there was a kid on there who told Hulk that he loved the wrestling match he had with Sylvester Stallone. Howard said he hopes that Hulk is putting it on with the show when he refused to let his daughter be alone with any guys. Robin said it was kind of funny when they showed him dancing along with the crowd at his daughter's show.
Howard had a clip from COPS where this woman goes nuts and screams at the cop who arrests her. They weren't even tasering her but she was screaming like she was dying. As he was playing the clip Howard said that those guys don't get paid enough. Artie said that their starting salary should be $2 million a year. Howard agreed. He replayed the clip to hear the screaming again. Howard said that if he was the cop, he would have pulled out his gun and shot her.
Howard asked Nikki what she does while Artie is watching a game. She said that she would give him a blow job, then go get him a Hostess cupcake, lay down beside him and watch the game with him. Artie said that was the right answer and ''We have a winner!''
Howard asked Nikki what she would do if her cousin was getting married and Artie didn't want to go. He would give her $1,000 to give to the cousin. She said she would just say ''Okie Dokey'' and leave. She went on to describe herself as being 5'11'' tall at 130 pounds with natural C-cup breasts. She has a flat stomach but it's not really muscular because she doesn't work out. She also said that she's into chicks as well so she's a special kind of gal.
Nikki said that she's been described as looking like Lisa Kudrow from ''Friends'' but that was the wrong ''Friend'' according to Artie. She can't cook but Artie said that wasn't a problem, his mother will make the Chicken Parm for them. Howard asked Nikki if she wanted to come down to let Artie check her out. She said she's down in Baltimore but she could come up for a visit.
Howard asked Nikki if she could lie to Artie's mother about what she does for a living. He played the part of Artie's mother and asked her some questions about what she does for a living. Nikki covered up by saying she was a massage therapist. Howard told her to say that she's a secretary instead. She tried that and said that she can type 120 words a minute.
Robin asked Artie if it would be a problem for him if this girl was towering over him because he's only about 5'10'' tall while she's 5'11'' tall. He didn't seem to have a problem with it. Howard told Nikki that he was liking her.
Nikki said that she has a little landing strip on her private parts. Artie said he likes that even though Howard doesn't. Nikki said that she has a pretty pussy and gets compliments on it all the time. Howard told Artie that this is the kind of girl he needs, not a nice girl like Dana. Artie wanted to get some blood and urine from this chick to make sure she's clean.
Howard wanted to see some pictures of this chick so she said that she's got a Myspace account. Howard put her on hold so Gary could get that account and check it out. They put her on hold and got the account so they could log in and check her out. The In Demand guys pulled it up and put it on the TV screens in the studio.
Gary said that he wanted to say something to this girl. Howard got her back on the phone and Gary said that the web site claims that she's 17 and lives in California. Nikki said she was born in California but she is 21 years old. Howard said he's never heard a 17 year old with a voice like that. Artie said he's never even heard a 21 year old with that kind of voice.
Nikki was getting on her account to see if she had any naked pictures up there. She wanted to see why the right account wasn't coming up so she logged in and checked it out. Howard was telling the guys that she sounds like the kind of girl that Artie could talk to. Artie said that he'd like her to be 17 years old. He was also saying that she won't be his girlfriend but she might be the chick who drives up every week to bang him. Howard thought she sounded pretty good to him.
Howard finally got to see some of her pictures and thought that a picture of Uma Thurman was her. That was a picture from Kill Bill though. Howard saw a picture of her and said that her face was cute. She didn't look like Lisa Kudrow according to Howard. He said that she wasn't wearing makeup but she still looked cute. Artie didn't seem to be into her as much as Howard was.
Nikki put up a nude picture of herself and the guys sounded impressed. Howard told her that he thinks she's cute. Nikki was uploading some new pictures but none of them were her with make-up on. Artie was laughing because there was one picture that she didn't look so good in. Robin said she couldn't get a read on what she actually looked like. Howard told her that there were some odd pictures in there.
Artie said that this is the type of chick who would bring him a cupcake during a Yankee game. Sal came in and said that she sounds sweet but she looks like a Muppet with AIDS. Howard said he wasn't seeing that though. Sal said that she's ugly and emaciated from what he can see. He said he was going to put up a Myspace account where they can have all of the chicks who want to bang Artie send in pictures (Right here). Gary knew that he wanted to do that just so he could jerk off to some pictures. Sal wondered how they figured him out so quick.
Howard read her bio on Myspace and Artie was still giggling in the background. Gary said that if Artie is going to get into banging other chicks, he should jump in and get really hot chicks. He didn't want to be rude to this chick but he was just telling it like it is. Artie said that he's not really into this chick but he didn't want to be like Sal and call her ugly. Artie told her that she's not his type... His type is Carmen Electra.
Howard let Nikki go and said that he wouldn't have turned her down. Benjy asked Artie if he would take a blow job from her. Artie said he might do that.
Steve The Intern was also in with his Intern Show preview. They have JD coming on the show. They'll also be saying goodbye to some interns and they'll be bringing in a new crop next week. Steve will be staying with the show of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when Howard's show is going to be streaming on the web. He said that they will be starting that in June and the reason it took so long is because they had to build up the network to handle the traffic.
Gary came in and said that the AP news story about him not going to terrestrial is spreading like wild fire everywhere.
Howard mentioned that SIRIUS will have a totally portable unit coming out this summer but he doesn't know exactly where people will be able to use it. Artie heard that it was going to be a ''wearable'' unit so he takes that as meaning you can take it anywhere. Howard asked Artie if Dana has her SIRIUS subscription hooked up. Artie said he's pretty sure she doesn't have it hooked up yet, that was something he was supposed to take care of but didn't. Howard said he'll make sure she doesn't get that free subscription then.
A phone caller told Artie to take Howard's advice and just bang this chick because it will make him much happier. Robin asked Artie if he is happy right now. Howard went on to play some ''Dana Dumped You'' which was to the tune of ''Desperado.'' Artie said the song was pretty impressive after hearing a few minutes of it. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Benjy asked Howard if he looks forward to coming in. Howard said he does feel that he has to come in to tell the audience about what's going on with his life when he goes on vacation for a week. He's never really had a month off just to see what it's like. Artie told him he should give a try to see how it works. Howard said maybe that's what he'll do in 5 years.
Robin also pointed out that they're not taking Fridays off like they were supposed to. Howard said they'll start doing that this summer. He's just got so much going on that he doesn't have time to take every Friday off. Robin asked if the Howard Stern Radio Network would continue if he retired. Howard said he would hope it would. Artie said there's no way that Howard would let his name be on it if he was retired. Howard said he might not retire, he may just keep working but not do a full show every day. He might just drop by some of the shows like Bubba's show.
Robin got back to her news. Howard spent some time talking about his sexual past and how horrible it must be for the women he's banged. He said with all of the smells and stuff emanating from him, it can't be good. He was talking about 69ing Beth and what that must look like with his wide, cellulite ridden hips thrusting into Beth's mouth. They ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about staying up to watch American Idol last night. He said that Elliot Yamin is out. He also brought up the fact that Jon Hein has a pool going in the office there about who might show up as a celebrity guest on the show. He said that most of the people are celebs who might be on because of the shows they appear on. Ralph was in the pool and had Hugh Jackman and he made an appearance but he was back stage, not in the audience. Now Ralph is pissed that he didn't win.
Jon came in and said that Hugh wasn't even back stage live, it was a pre-taped segment that he did with Rebecca Romijn. He said that it clearly wasn't live last night. Everyone was surprised that Todd Bridges was the guest in the audience last night and no one won because of that. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he has a couple of people from ''The O.C.'' and others have people from other FOX shows. Howard said that if anyone had picked Roseanne, they could have won some big money.
Howard said he heard that Benjy might have some kind of illness that someone told him about. Benjy said he's heard that it could be diabetes but he just had his blood checked recently and he's fine. Gary asked Benjy what's on his schedule for today's meals. Benjy said he's having four eggs for breakfast, that's it.
Benjy gave Howard a rundown of what he had yesterday for lunch. He told the guys that he had 8 eggs in the studio for breakfast. Then he went out to lunch and had a salad with chicken and sunflower seeds on it. He went and worked out after that and then had another salad for dinner. Howard found that hard to believe. Benjy said he also had a couple of bowls of cereal with soy milk.
Gary asked Benjy where he thinks he's going wrong. Howard and Fred said it's the 8 eggs that he's eating. Benjy also said that he can just keep eating and eating and he does that with pasta and things like that once in a while. Artie said he's seen Benjy go nuts eating and he can really pack it in when he finds something he likes.
Howard told Benjy that he eats his breakfast and lunch there and doesn't eat after that. Benjy told the guys that he's up to 252 pounds right now. He only goes back and forth by about 2 pounds or so. Howard wanted to cut the whole conversation out of the show and not even play it in the reruns because it's not that interesting.
Gary asked Howard if he believes the numbers that they were talking about on American Idol. Howard said he thinks they're true. Artie said he feels like Ralph might be getting screwed with this whole pool thing. Howard said he thinks that those guys are going to have Ralph on their ass for months with that whole thing.
Robin's assistant, Carrie, came in and said that this is nonsense. She said that Robin's booth is so small that they can only fit one person in there so they can't let people in there while she's doing her thing. Howard said that maybe they could have done things in a different way. Carrie agreed and said that they could have explained it better to the interns. Howard said that Carrie sounds like Bush's press secretary trying to explain this stuff.
Robin said that she never told Carrie not to keep people out of the booth. Howard said that she's just doing her job. Artie said that Carrie looked like she was going to beaten later.
Howard played another clip where one of the new interns, Shannon, rates the staff. Howard had Gary bring her in so he could talk to her while he played the clip. He asked her how old she thought Jon Hein was. She said she doesn't really know but took a guess that he was 43-44. Jon said he's 38.
Gary came in and said that there's another pool going on where the In Demand guys are guessing which t-shirt Jon is going to wear each day. Brian Phelan won $40 yesterday when he picked the right shirt.
Howard played the clip where Shannon rated the staff and said that she would never date anyone on the show. When asked about Jon Hein she said that ''he's old'' and gave him a 4 rating. Jon told Howard that he was driving home from the softball game yesterday, which they won, when he heard the show. He mentioned that Ross Zapin got hurt when he tripped and fell during the game. Howard got back to the audio clip and Shannon said that Jason seems like he has a hot girlfriend and gave him a rating of 3 or 4.
Howard asked Shannon if she had to have sex with Jon or Jason, which one would she go with. She picked Jon because Jason might crush her. Howard played more of the audio where Steve asked her about Richard. She gave him a 4 as well. Howard thought he was going to be at least a 5. Jon said that he thinks that Richard is better looking him. Shannon said she'd still stick with having sex with Jon out of those three guys.
Howard said he liked the answers that Shannon was giving, she was being very honest. Steve asked Shannon about Will Murray. She gave him an 8 1/2. That led to the guys talking about how Will is up near the top now that KC is gone. Howard said he yearns for the days when KC was there because it would knock the other guys down a few notches. In the audio clip Shannon gave JD a 7 rating because she had no idea who he was. Howard told him to stay hidden from her if he wants to keep that number up.
JD came in and Shannon said that she'd still give him a 6 or 7. Howard told JD to leave so they could get the right number. She was still saying that he was better looking than Jon Hein though. Howard warned Shannon that JD will probably try to contact her on Myspace since she gave him such a high number.
Shannon was asked about Ronnie on the Intern Show and she said that he's an interesting guy. Howard asked her if she would be with Jon or Ronnie if she had to pick out of the two. She went with Ronnie. She though that Ronnie was only 45 years old. Howard told her that he's older than that. Artie told her that he was born in 45 or 46. Ronnie came in yelling at Artie asking him ''What's your problem?'' He asked Shannon what she thinks of Artie. She said that he looks like he's about 43 or so. Artie is only 38.
Gary told Howard to go to another clip where Shannon answers some sex questions. A phone caller asked her if she gets involved with any dildo stuff. Howard interrupted and asked Shannon what she thought of Steve the intern. She said that he's cute and about an 8 on her scale. Gary said that she and some of the other interns went out to dinner last night. Shannon said they just went out for drinks last night. Penny Crone's son was telling her that he's in love with her already.
Penny Crone's son Travis, who is now an intern there, came in and said that he spent $80 on dinner last night and she was trashing him. Ronnie said that this kid was right on her as soon as he came in. He was also saying that the guys at In Demand were asking what kind of rating Shannon would give herself. Howard said that it's a 10. She said that she thinks she's an 8 or 8.5. She doesn't think she's anything special. Penny's son said she's really cute to him. Ronnie told Shannon to remember who her mother-in-law would be if she dated and eventually married him.
Howard finished up the clip where Shannon talks about her sex life and how easy she can get laid. He played another clip where Scott the Engineer's intern Travis talked about being intimidated by him. Howard asked Shannon to rate him but she didn't know who he was. Howard had Scott come in after that so she could check him out. She gave him a 3 or 3 1/2. He would even lose to Jon Hein.
Scott told Howard to play the clip where Travis trashes Ronnie. He played that clip and he really bashed him. He said that he just sits around, watches and listens to the show and eats. He said he's not intimidated by him at all. Howard wrapped up with those guys and welcomed them to the show. They learned that Jon Hein is better looking than Scott the Engineer.
Howard played Bubba the Love Sponge's rap song that they played the other day. He also played the re-cut version with Crazy Alice audio clips thrown in.
Howard also had a new song parody with Pat O'Brien clips in ''I Wanna Rock'' since Dee Snider was supposed to be coming in this morning. He played a bunch of Riley Martin song parodies as well. He had a new one that was to the tune of Billy Joel's ''We Didn't Start The Fire'' with many Riley audio clips in there. He said that one must have been tough to put together.
Howard played a new ''Ask the Retards'' bit where a woman asked them about how to prepare for anal sex so she doesn't get hurt. Wendy and Gary the Retards argued with each other instead of answering her question. Wendy told Gary that you can't get AIDS from having sex in the ass but Gary knew better and called her a retard. The two of them really went at each other quite a bit. Howard went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard asked Gary to talk about the upcoming Artie Roast. Gary said the roast is on and they're going to be recording it at night. They will shoot it from 6pm-10pm and everyone will be drinking. Artie thinks that the audience would get nuts if they were drinking so Howard figures they're not going to allow them to drink.
Howard said he's more worried about the rest of the guys on the show drinking, not the audience. Gary said they'll have Bob Levy as the host. Nick DiPaolo, Jim Florentine, Jeffry Ross, Shuli, Sal, Dice Clay and Colin Quinn will all be part of the roast. Artie was writing down the names so he could start writing his jokes about them.
Gary told Howard that they're doing the roast in the studio so they probably have 25 seats to give out. He said that they have to make it very special so they can't just give them out to everyone who asks. Howard said the roast should be pretty edgy. Gary said it's taking place on June 8th.
Howard said that he sent John Stamos a nice e-mail about his appearance on the show yesterday. He got a note back from John who said that he's so screwed from that interview. Denise Richards isn't too thrilled about what he was saying on the show. Howard didn't think he did anything that bad.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Howard for yesterday's show because it was so entertaining. Howard talked about how John Daly was sitting back and just hanging out during his interview. He said that it was a good interview and it should make for a great TV show. The caller thought that Artie was fishing for a compliment about quitting coke during the interview but he didn't get it.
Lisa told Howard that Penny Crone came in crying about being kicked off the softball team and the team ended up winning yesterday. The score was 9-3 and they were playing some corporation. Lisa said that they'll be talking about the restaurant that spilled beer on Beth and didn't apologize or give her a discount on her meal.
Lisa said they're supposed to have Elegant Elliot Offen on the show today so they'll be talking about that on today's News. Howard said he'd like to talk to him about the accident he was involved with but he freaks out when he brings it up. Lisa said she used to see Elliot out jogging in a tutu before she knew who he was and thought it was just some crazy guy running around.
Howard said that there were a couple of guys who were supposed to show up this morning to bang Siobhan the Transsexual but only Siobhan showed up.
Some people were upset about Artie calling Mariann from Brooklyn the C-word. Artie apologized for that, he knew that it was wrong. Some people thought that Artie was way out of line for doing that. Mariann was on the phone and said that she doesn't want an apology, she wants to be on the roast. Howard said that he already put her on the list but Gary didn't mention her earlier. Mariann said that she's working on her roast already and she can't wait. Howard told Gary to put her name on the list.
Howard read some more e-mail and one guy wrote in about Shakira's ass and how great it was that Howard mentioned that web site yesterday. That led to Howard talking about a video he saw on the web where Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were walking down the street commenting on Lindsay Lohan. Paris was just giggling and laughing as her boyfriend was goofing on Lindsay. He wasn't sure if the tape would work on radio, it was a visual thing. The site that had the video was TMZ.com. Howard said you have to see Paris' face, that's what makes the video.
In the clip the guy talks about Lindsay's pussy smelling and about her freckles and things like that. You can hear Paris laughing her ass off as he's making the comments. Howard said the tape goes on for 2 and a half minutes and it's pretty brutal. Howard said that the boyfriend is a fat tub-of-lard guy and he's the son of an oil mogul so he doesn't work, he just goes out and parties all the time. He let the audio clip play and the guy just kept bad mouthing Lindsay more and more. He even said that because Lindsay is only worth about $7 million, she's ''really, really poor.''
Howard said that at least Lindsay makes her own money. This guy would have no clue as to how to make money, his father made it all for his family. Howard finished up the clip and said that Paris' boyfriend is just an asshole, the kind of person that he just hates. Artie said that Paris is just a famous embarrassment, that's it.
Howard changed subjects and brought up Paul McCartney's upcoming divorce and how he'll probably lose half of his billion dollars to his ex because he didn't have a pre-nup. Howard said he talked to Paul about that when he was on the show and he'd love to play the audio from that but he doesn't own the tapes.
Howard said that he thought the CBS lawsuit against him was the slimiest thing he's ever seen and he doesn't forgive that easily. He said that he would never literally shit in someone's food or confront someone in a physical way but he would never give up his table. Howard said that he would probably say a few words to Les if he ran into him somewhere. He would call him a monster and an animal and tell him he's just as bad as Hitler. He might even offer Hitler a table before he would give it to Les. Howard said if he was Mel, he wouldn't just smile and offer up his table.
Howard thought that Mel was on his side in that whole thing and he would have a hard time accepting any explanation for giving Les the table. Robin said she would like to hear Mel's side of that story because the news sometimes gets things wrong. Howard said that if the lawsuit gets settled and put behind them, he still wouldn't give Les a table.
Howard said he knows that the paper can get things wrong because they just reported that he had lunch with Rosie O'Donnell when he actually just ran into her at a restaurant.
Howard read some mail about the incident that Beth had at a Sushi restaurant recently. He also got some feedback about John Stamos and John Daly's appearances on the show yesterday. There were some people who complained about Ralph being on the show yesterday. Howard thought he was very good with John Stamos but the fans really don't like him. Someone said that they think Howard has been very angry since Beth went away to do some work. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard read a story about a the new Superman and the rumor is that the budget was $300 million but the studio is saying that it's only $200 million. There are people saying that the special effects in the movie could have pushed it over $300 million because it's so expensive to do these days. He said that there aren't any big stars other than Kevin Spacey in the film either so the budget is really high for a movie like that. He said he knows that movies are expensive to create. His movie cost about $25 million to do. Artie said that his movie, Beer League (coming out September 13th) cost $2.8 million to make.
Howard talked more about not being able to forgive people as easy as some people can. He said that there was a woman who forgave Dr. Mengela for what he did in Nazi Germany. Robin forgave her father for what he did to her as a child but Howard can't forgive Les Moonves for what he's doing to him.
Gary said that he remembers when Howard had the guys from the Black Crowes on the show performing ''Jealous Again'' acoustically when they were doing a show from the Grammys out in Los Angeles and the next morning every other radio program there was doing the same thing.
Howard said he feels like he should get credit for starting the whole thing with bands playing live and acoustic on radio shows but he'll never get that. Gary said that they work in a business where they can't copyright their ideas so they get used by others all the time.
Howard played an acoustic version of Billy Squire's ''The Stroke'' that wasn't too bad. Gary said that was the only song on the album that was actually ''different'' than the original. Howard played another song from the album where Jane Weidland sang an old Go-Gos song. That was another good one. Howard played a little bit of Heart's ''These Dreams'' and then some of Tommy Tutone's ''867-5309.'' Howard said he kind of liked that one. The Motels' ''Only the Lonely'' was on there so Howard played that one was well. The Outfield's ''Your Love'' was another one that he played. Artie was trying to remember the name of the band, it should have come to him quick but it took him a minute to figure out that it was The Outfield.
Howard said that maybe he should do an acoustic version of ''Tortured Man.'' Artie said that they should do some other Losers songs acoustically. They could call it ''Losers Unplugged.'' Robin asked if they would bring Jackie back for that. Howard and Fred both quickly said ''No'' to that question.
Fred picked up a guitar and Howard sang some ''Every Homo'' acoustically (Actually a Backside Boys song). Howard said he could do it if he had the lyrics. He talked up the song as if he was doing an Unplugged show. It sounded like he was ready to do a whole show of acoustic songs.
Howard got his lyrics for ''Every Homo'' so he and Fred went right into that. Fred played guitar and did some backup singing. It sounded like they had rehearsed the song before. Robin thought it was ''nice'' after they finished up. Fred did a great job on guitar as well. It wasn't even a guitar song, it was more of a keyboard song. Gary said that he was actually in on the backup singing. Fred wasn't aware that it was him who was helping them out.
Fred started to play ''Spirit in the Sky'' but Howard didn't have the lyrics for that either. He sang what he knew but it was just a couple of lines that he kept repeating. Artie tried to help him out and kick started the lyrics a little bit.
Howard took a couple of calls from people who thought they sounded great just picking up a guitar and playing. Gary said that the CD, ''80's Hits Stripped,'' comes out on May 30th. Another phone caller told Howard that the acoustic thing is great and they have to do that more often. Howard said that he should do a whole concert series and go on tour. He said he'd probably have to go from house to house to do the tour though.
Howard said that if he does a concert, he should dress up like David Bowie used to. Another caller told Howard that the song he had performed was the best. It sounded amazing. Robin's singing in the background was great according to that caller. Robin said that she's never been invited to join The Losers so Howard let her know that he never saw any talent there, she doesn't know any instruments.
Fred was going to play some of ''The Gay Way'' since that was another song that Howard sang with the Backside Boys. Howard thought that he might want to save that for the concert but he went into it anyway. Fred played the guitar again and Howard sang ''The Gay Way.'' Howard stopped after a minute and said they'll have to work that one out.
Gary told Howard that they had to get to Elliot Offen since he was waiting outside of the building. He's no longer allowed inside the building because they got so many complaints about him the last time he was in the building.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Mel Karmazin story that Howard mentioned earlier. He thinks that Mel giving Les a table was like giving a big F-you to the audience. Howard said he's not even sure if the story is true or not.
Howard said that he was trying to beat off last night so he had to rush through that to get to watching American Idol. He said he was watching a Gina Lynn porn and the guy was banging her for a good hour or so. He figures that guys who can last that long must be kind of gay or something.
Benjy told Jon that he also has a mole on his back that he might want to check. Jon said that he was eating a lot of sugar filled things and was losing weight so that's how he discovered that he was diabetic. Howard told Artie that he should get checked out as well.
Jon went ahead with his blood test by pricking Benjy's finger. Benjy was at 104 which was ''perfect'' according to Jon. Artie said that he cut his finger this morning so he already had blood there to test. Jon popped out another test strip and had to prick Artie's finger because the wound he had was already scabbed over. Jon said that Artie was at 135 but he was worse off than Benjy. Artie said he had just had about 17 Cokes, that's why it was so high. Artie said that he cut himself on his razor this morning, that's where the cut came from.
Artie said that he was in the bathroom yesterday when Howard played Sal's song parody to the tune of ''Photograph'' that was really angry. He said that was pretty intense. Howard played that song for everyone to hear. Sal sings about wanting to ''snap that bitch's neck'' and things like that. He's a very angry person.
Gary said that they were talking about Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View talking about how she doesn't like sex to be a surprise so she needs some warning before doing it. They were talking about that off the air when Sal said that her husband must have to jerk off into a towel. That's what Sal has to do with his wife. Howard played the clip of Elisabeth talking about that stuff and he feels bad for her husband. He can understand that she doesn't want to stink for her husband but she should be taking a bath every day so she doesn't smell.
Gary said that they still have Siobhan sitting in the green room waiting for the guy to show up to bang her. Howard said he didn't want her there because he wanted to make sure he had a guy there for her first.
Howard played another prank call that Richard made to a public access show. He asked the guy what he thinks of ghost fucking and got hung up on. Gary said another guy actually ended his show early because of the prank calls. Howard played that one and some other calls that Richard and Sal have made to other shows. He went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that he got a lot of feedback about him turning down Tabitha Stevens yesterday. Eric said he got a lot of feedback from people on Myspace as well. Eric said that he can't do stuff like that because his parents are paying for the place he's living in and he can't do anything that his parents might not like. Howard told him that his parents would probably want him to get laid so maybe he should go to his father and talk to him about it.
Howard said that even if he did do it, his parents might just leave him there, they don't want him back at their lake house. Howard asked Eric what he wanted because he has to get to a bunch of other stuff. He didn't give him a chance to answer, he played a bit that Sal and Richard put together where they had Eric and Tabitha meeting for the first time and doing it. Sal was playing Eric and Richard was Tabitha. He had Tabitha pissing on his face which shorted out his powered wheelchair.
After the bit Eric was silent. He said that's not the way it would go because he wouldn't want the peeing thing. Robin asked Eric if he's ever laughed. She laughed her ass off at his answer because it was supposed to be a funny bit but Eric didn't find it amusing in any way. He just thought it wasn't realistic.
Eric said that he sent an e-mail where he outlines the reasons he doesn't want anything to do with the Wack Pack. He marked names with a star for the people he wanted nothing to do with. Gary said that they bailed out about halfway through the page. There are names like Beetlejuice, Elliot Offen, Daniel Carver, Blue Iris and others that he doesn't want to be associated with but there were others that he wouldn't mind. He was okay with Crackhead Bob. Howard cut Gary off and said he had to move along. He told Eric to just accept that he's in the Wack Pack. Eric gave one of his ''Nooo'' answers.
Howard told Eric that he does his impression of him all day long. He and Ralph call each other and make noises like Eric has as a goof. He asked him if he wanted him to send some pictures of Tabitha Stevens so he can show them to his father. Eric said that would be fine and said ''Bye for now... '' as his sign off.
Howard said they got a couple of voice mails from people about Artie calling Mariann from Brooklyn the C-word. Jeff the Drunk called in and told him he should apologize but Howard pointed out that Jeff calls every woman that he sees a name. Artie thinks that Jeff has other problems with him, that's why he's calling in to complain about him. Jeff said that Mariann has never liked Artie and saw something sinister in him.
Crazy Alice called in and also went off on Artie in her voice mail. Alice went off on Artie and said that Mariann is such a nice woman and he shouldn't be calling her names like that.
Elliot told Howard that they have to get some new headphones because the ones he was using were horrible. He then went right into his plugs and mentioned this guy Steve Plimm who is his manager right now. He said that the guy is going to has him under contract right now. He gave out his phone number and said that he will give everyone all of the details they need to put him in projects. Elliot said that his manager is going to hook him up with KC's boss so they can create some t-shirts and put his video out.
Howard tried to talk to Elliot but he just keeps talking about what he wants to talk about. Howard asked him about the accident he was in but Elliot wasn't done talking about his video ''Violet Dehumanizes Elliot'' so he just kept rolling along with that. He said that his girlfriend Violet is into doing kinky things. Howard asked him about having her crap in his mouth but Elliot said that he would have gotten locked up if he had shown that. He said that she has already peed in his throat but he had to leave that out of his video.
Elliot said that he would do anything for Violet and he would swallow her defecation or her urine. Howard doesn't believe that he would do it but Elliot said that he's brain dead if he doesn't believe it. Gary came in and asked why Elliot has stopped dressing like a woman, he almost looks like a normal guy today. Elliot said that he always dresses like a woman. He was explaining that but not making much sense.
Elliot said that he doesn't answer to Howard so he has no right to ask him about all of that stuff. Howard tried to ask him about his accident again but Elliot wanted to talk about his 13 felony convictions instead. Elliot said that he already told Mike Piazza that the case has been closed already. Howard asked him if it's hard for him to sleep at night. Elliot said that it was a tragedy and a nightmare and he wanted to move on.
Howard asked Elliot if he would be willing to bang Siobhan the Transsexual. Elliot said that he wouldn't want to do that and even if he did, it wouldn't help him from losing the money he's losing by working there. He told Howard that he did a $30 million robbery one time and explained how he was able to pull that off. He was giving the details abut Howard cut him off and asked him who he would get to play him in the movie version. Elliot was all over the place so Howard told him that he wasn't communicating the story very well.
Elliot went off on Howard but got back to his story and explained how he was able to scam $30 million worth of merchandise. He eventually got caught though so Howard told him he's not that smart. Elliot said that he didn't get caught for 15 years. Elliot told Howard how he turned the merchandise into cash.
Howard didn't know what he was talking about and Gary thought that Elliot was a bit off today because he wasn't very interesting. Elliot then went off on Gary about his teeth and stuff like that. Howard tried to wrap up with Elliot but he was still going off on Gary calling him names and saying that he looks like the last shit he took. Gary wanted to know what was going on down there on the street. It looked like people were just walking past him and not even paying attention to him.
Elliot was going off on Howard saying that he had been fired from K-Rock and that he was going to lose all of his money to Les Moonves. He was also threatening to sue Howard for slander if he kept saying stuff about him. Howard wondered what he said but even Elliot didn't seem to know what he said.
Howard wanted Elliot to stop and just give his plug. Elliot then thanked Howard and got in a plug for his movie ''Violet Dehumanizes Elliot.'' He had this guy Arnold from the Funny Store who actually sells the video at his store. He thanked Howard for plugging the video because they've sold a lot of copies. He said they've had to restock the shelves six times now. Elliot told Howard a few more details about the video and then wished Howard luck and ripped off his headphones.
Howard said that was quite an appearance but Artie said that he was getting put to sleep with that discussion about his crime. Howard would like to talk to the real Elliot some day but he never lets him get there.
Howard asked Dee what's going on with him lately. Dee said he's going to be doing a show on SIRIUS from 9-Midnight on Sunday nights called Fangoria Radio. It'll be on Channel 120 when it starts airing. Robin said that Richard Christy is into horror movies so he and Dee might get along. Dee said that he was talking to him out in the hall earlier. That led to Dee talking about the more recent horror movies that he's seen. He said that he saw ''Saw'' and liked that but he's old school and likes the older stuff. He doesn't get a thrill from the newer stuff like he does from the old movies.
Richard came in and said that he's a huge horror movie fan. Howard cut him off and said that he had another voice mail from Richard's dad where he talks about a new chicken that they adopted after finding him walking around the yard. They thought he was so dumb that they decided to call it ''shithead.'' Richard said that those stories remind him of being home so he told his dad to keep calling him with those stories.
Richard said that he and his dad used to talk about that stuff when he was home. Howard asked Dee if he knew that Richard was in a big metal band called Iced Earth. Dee said he was aware of the band but he didn't know them personally. Richard claims he never got laid the whole time he was in the band even though they were pretty huge. Dee said that's because the audience was all dudes.
Dee asked Howard if he has stopped dumping in front of his woman like he suggested years ago. Howard said he doesn't do that in front of Beth. Beth hardly ever goes to the bathroom so he never sees that. He said he's walked by and heard her peeing but never taking a shit. Howard said he's actually concerned because she goes so infrequently.
Howard and Dee spent a few minutes talking about farting and doing things like that in front of their women. Howard said he has farted in front of Beth but Dee said that his wife will punch him if he does that. He said that he grew up in a house where farting was an art and his father would go into a pose and rip one in front of them.
Howard got back to Richard playing in a huge band and was unable to get laid. Dee told Howard that when he used to do heavy metal shows in Europe, there were a lot of dudes in the audience and not many chicks. Richard said that other guys in the band were getting girls but he was playing drums and didn't get any.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that his son is playing in a band over in Europe and he's gotten laid after just four days. Richard said that he had dudes come on to him but not many chicks. Howard wondered how Scott knows that his son got laid. He created a phone call between Scott and his son and tried to figure out what that call must have been like.
Dee said that there are guys in bands who will take quality over quantity and maybe that's what Richard did. That led to the guys talking about Richard's current girlfriend who used to be an intern on the show. Richard said he had to thank Howard and Beth for giving him the makeover he got. He's also been dieting and going to the gym to get into shape. Howard heard that the guy she was dating before is kind of upset that Richard is dating her now. He was also a former intern.
Jason came in and said that he heard that Richard asked this girl out the day that she broke up with the guy. Richard said that wasn't true. It was a few weeks at least. Howard asked Richard if he was still wearing his Simpson's underwear. Richard pulled down his pants and showed him he was. Dee told him that the brown goes in the back. Howard told Dee that Richard got waxed there in the studio one time and wanted to play some of the sounds that Richard made but he wasn't able to find them. Fred had one sound so he played that for Dee.
Gary came in and said he has a bio for Richard's girlfriend because she was in an Intern Beauty Pageant one time. He said that she can run a 5 minute mile, she's willing to try anything in bed, her dream job was to work for Jillian Barberie. The guys asked Richard if she really is up for anything in bed. He said he guesses she is but didn't sound so sure. Gary said it sounds like she's up for quite a bit of stuff after reading the bio.
Fred had some more sounds from Richard's waxing where he was screaming and complaining about the alcohol burning when the woman poured that on him.
Howard asked Dee about this story he started to tell earlier about dating a 15 year old (now his wife) when he was 21. Dee said that his father didn't understand it until he brought her home. He said that her family was connected too and he could have gotten Howard whacked back when Howard used to talk about how he wanted to bang her. Dee said that he was threatened by her family back then and didn't touch her for quite a while.
Robin asked Dee if he would let his daughter date someone like that. He said there's no way that would happen. He also told the guys that the family really did threaten him and it was a pretty scary thing for him. He said that she was almost 17 by the time he started to bang her. He said it was about a year from the time he started dating her to the time he finally got her. Howard found it hard to believe that he waited that long.
Howard told Dee that it was a pretty ballsy move to date a 15 year old. Dee said that she didn't look 15 at the time. Howard said that he can understand it because his wife is a really good looking chick.
Howard was going to play the Gossip Game so he asked Dee to hang around for that. Dee said that would make him feel like he's back in with him now. Dee also asked if they could plug the March of Dimes motorcycle ride he's going to be part of soon. Howard said that people can find out more information on his web site DeeSnider.com. That led to Howard talking to Dee about riding motorcycles and when he got into that. Dee said he bought a bike about 7 years ago and he fell in love with riding on the street. He used to ride dirt bikes back when he was a kid. Fred still rides so the two of them told Howard how great it feels to ride.
Dee said that he's picking up a new bike today and it's a Von Dutch chopper that he had made for him. He told Fred to come out riding with him this weekend and he could ride up front with him. Artie and Howard were talking about how they know guys who have crashed motorcycles and got hurt really bad. Artie said that his father actually got hurt while riding. Dee said that 90 percent of the accidents are not motorcyclists fault, it's usually the drivers of the cars that hit or pull out in front of them.
Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said that he was going to come back and play the Gossip Game with Mike Walker. Dee said that the stuff he did to get his wife, when she was 15, is illegal now. He said he stalked her back then and still ended up marrying her.
Ralph called in and asked why people would sponsor Dee while he's riding a motorcycle. He can't imagine that because most people either walk or ride a bicycle and work for the sponsors in charity events like that. Howard had to go to commercial a short time later.
Siobhan was brought up so Fred was doing his impression of her. Jon was hoping that Both Fred (as Siobhan) and Siobhan would show up on The Wrap Up Show today. Fred kept going with his impression and goofed on her for a short time. Howard thanked those guys for their previews and said that it's quite a team they've put together. Dee said that it's amazing how much the show has changed over the years.
Howard wanted the guys to bring in Siobhan the Transsexual so they could talk to her about the two guys that failed to show up. Gary told Howard that he had one of the guys on the phone. The guy said that he had car trouble this morning and wasn't able to make it in this morning. The guy said he wouldn't have called in if he was lying about it. He wanted one more chance but Gary didn't want to give it to him. Gary said that the guy told them that he was on his way two times this morning. He even said that Gary spoke to his father about it when he called. Howard said he would give him one more chance on Monday.
Howard got the guy on the phone who said that he couldn't make it this morning. That guy told Siobhan that he had to go to the methadone clinic this morning but they opened late so he had to go there later. He said he'll definitely make it there on Monday though.
Hoard asked Siobhan to show off her new pussy to Dee. She pulled down her panties and showed it to the guys while Fred was playing the music from ''Psycho.'' Howard asked her what the hell that is down there and no one was sure. That led to the guys talking to her about how that thing down there is a wound and the body is always trying to heal it. Siobhan has to put a stent in there to keep it open.
Siobhan asked the guy how she knows that he doesn't have any diseases if he's on methadone. The guy said he was just tested recently and he is clean. Howard asked Siobhan about her clitoris and where that's at. She said that it's there but it's under the skin. Howard noticed that Dee was remaining silent through all of this. Dee was just taking it all in.
Howard said he thinks that he'll be able to get this guy to come in on Monday. Dee wondered how they picked him. Howard said there was no choice, they took the guy who called in and volunteered to bang her. The guys got to see Siobhan's breasts but Howard sounded kind of grossed out by it. Benjy's said that if you just look at the nipple, it doesn't look so bad. Howard didn't want to look, it was a dude's nipple.
Siobhan was asking the guy on the phone how big his penis is. The guy said that it's probably about 5 or 6 inches and about as big around as a cigar. Siobhan wondered if it was going to be all droopy from the methadone. Howard told her she doesn't have much of a choice in all of this. He told her that she can't fit much of anything in there because it's just a big, open hole. He said he was going to take a look in there, turned on his echo and took a look around. Then he tried to find his lost watch in there. There was some traffic, a train and Jackie's dead cat Timmy walking around inside the hole.
The caller asked Siobhan if she still stinks down there. She said that it smells like a fine aged cheese. She said that she has to douche it once in a while but not that often. Howard said that if this guy drops a load inside of her, he's going to have to ladle it out. Siobhan said that she would have him lick it out.
Gary said that when they were back at K-Rock they had Siobhan on the show to show them how she pleasures herself and both he and Jason caught a whiff of something from down there and it was pretty bad. He said it's kind of like one of those puddles of water where mosquitos are born. Howard went back in with the echo on and found mosquitos flying around inside her fake pussy.
Siobhan asked Howard why he can't hook her up with a porn star like he was trying to do with Eric the Midget. Howard said that she's a hard sell and he can't hook her up with a porn star. That's when Richard and Sal came in and said that they would be willing to finger and smell Siobhan for a certain amount of money. Howard told him he was about to vomit when he heard that. The guys were wondering why Sal and Richard had to wear gloves. Richard said he didn't want her juices on him but then said that it was for her safety.
Howard told the guy to hold on so they could try and set him up for Monday. He was also saying he's not sure he wants to see Sal and Richard sniffing Siobhan's pussy. He said that was making him sick. Howard asked her if she thinks it smells. She said that she asked her gynecologist if it smelled down there and she was told it was fine.
Howard wasn't going to pay the guys to do the fingering so he said they had to do it on their own. Richard said that he wanted safety goggles just in case she squirted or something. She said that she might pee on him. Siobhan seemed kind of happy that it was Richard who was going to do the fingering.
Richard told Siobhan that she had to guide his finger in there because he wasn't going to look. Howard said that this was just vile as it was going on. He refused to look while Richard was going in. There was a lot of ''Ooos and Ahhhs'' coming from everyone as it was happening. They had to put some lube in there before putting Richard's finger in there.
There was a lot of yelling and screaming all of a sudden. Then Sal got on mic and started dry heaving. He said he couldn't smell it because he was so grossed out. Richard made him smell it because he did promise to do it. Richard hit his nose and Sal ended up puking. Richard then chased him out of the room with the glove. Howard and Artie were telling Richard to stay on his side, they didn't want to smell it.
Richard said that he couldn't even describe what he felt. He said that it was like putting his hand in a muddy crawdad hole. Siobhan had grabbed Richard and wouldn't let him go while his finger was in there. She really liked it but Richard said that it was like sticking his finger in mud. He hadn't smelled it yet so Howard told him to go ahead and do it. Richard took a whiff and dry heaved. He said that it smells like when he sweats and runs his fingers along his balls and sniffs it. Sal came back in and said that it smells like ass, vagina and the bottom of a garbage pail all together.
Richard asked Sal if he wanted to smell it again. Sal said there was no way he was going to do that again. Howard told Siobhan that with that kind of commercial they're sure to find someone to screw her. Dee told Richard that if there's someone he dislikes in the building, he should leave the glove in their drawer. Howard said they really can't do that.
Howard said he turned his head at one time and saw that Siobhan's vagina is in the wrong place. It's too high on the front of her. He said it was really hard core stuff. It weakened him and he was barely able to go on. Dee asked if that was worse than when Buck Angel rode the Sybian. Dee said he was on the show that day and followed her ride on the Sybian.
Gary said that Doug Goodstein came in and asked ''what's next?'' Even he was shocked by that. Howard said that Robin really had to get to her news. Fred was missing so Howard said that he probably walked out because he was so offended by what just went on. Fred came back a short time later and said he was just in the bathroom and not protesting the show or anything like that. Robin got into her news after that.
Robin brought up a story about the bulldog that was involved in a mauling with a couple of other dogs recently and how the dog is going to be put down. Robin also read a story about a bear that was being put to sleep after it wandered into a residential area. That led to Howard talking about how he thinks Dee once ate Lion at a place that served exotic game. Dee didn't remember that but he does remember eating mako shark that he caught himself. Howard said he was more upset about the bulldog being put to sleep than he was about the bear.
Howard said he may have some interesting stories on Monday. He's supposed to see Pam Anderson this weekend. He hasn't been able to get in touch with her to set something up but it may happen. John Stamos was also supposed to get together with him but he's catching shit for the interview he did yesterday so he may not go out with him.
Artie is heading out to L.A. To do The Best Damn Sports Show and the Jimmy Kimmel Show. Howard gave Dee another plug for his upcoming Fangoria show that starts on June 25th on channel 120. Dee had no idea what channel 120 was, neither did Howard. Gary said it's actually ESPN radio.
Howard played the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' from earlier in the morning and Dee told him that he thinks he's found his ''thing'' with that. Howard wrapped up the show and said that Artie will be on Jimmy Kimmel's show tomorrow night. Artie said he's also taping The Best Damn Sports Show but that won't air until Tuesday night. Artie said he's also going to be going to one meeting while he's out there.
Howard said that Artie could be getting his hand job from Jessica Hahn while he's out there but Artie said he won't be doing that now that he's back with Dana. Howard thinks that things are still screwed up with Dana but Artie said things are just fine. Howard said he really had to get out of there, it was almost noon. Robin said she was supposed to be out of there already, she had a baseball game to go to. Artie had given her his tickets so she was ready to get going.
Gary came in and told Robin that Mike Piazza from Howard 100 News had told him that the bulldog case was still up in the air and there's another court date so the dog may not be put down.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she wanted to see Artie but Artie said that there's no chance he's going to see her while he's out there. Howard ended the show around 11:50am.
Howard started off the show talking about how much stuff he had to get to. He's very dedicated to getting to everything though. Howard then brought up how Rev. Bob Levy was going to be doing his roast show today live in the studio. They have about 20 chairs set up in there for an audience. This will be a test show for the show that Bob wants to do. It'll be Bob, Jim Florentine, Don Jamieson, Mike Morse, Shuli and Yucko the Clown roasting Ralph. They were going to tape it last night but Ralph wasn't going to show up for it anyway so it's best to do it on the radio show instead.
Howard said he had a meeting yesterday with the In Demand people and they've decided that they're going to call it ''Howard TV'' instead of Howard Stern On Demand or In Demand or anything else. There is a deal coming down with Cablevision in the next couple of weeks to air the shows on there so the fans out on Long Island will be able to watch. Howard said that the In Demand people aren't really able to start promoting the new show until March because the SIRIUS people were freaked out and banned them from showing the new show yet.
Howard isn't even sure who can drink that Jagermeister stuff because it tastes like cough syrup. Artie said that when it's really cold it's tolerable. Robin said that Henry Hill was trying to use it medicinally claiming he had a cold. That led to Howard talking about how Henry was supposed to do a Meet the Shrink show but ended up going down and getting drunk after the show. He ended up vomiting on himself and crapping his own pants. The In Demand guys got about 45 minutes of him on tape but it's not enough. He said they could make a reality show with that guy.
Howard had an audio clip of Henry trying to eat a hot dog out on the street and he's pretty sure that he's eating the hotdog and the wrapper it was in. Henry was really wasted and could barely speak. He was mumbling words unintelligibly and refusing to put his coat on. The woman who was with him, Maria, was trying to help but he refused to listen. Henry was making very odd noises and Robin thought he sounded like something from the Exorcist. Then you can hear Henry demanding a bagel and then eating it.
Artie said it's amazing that Henry is still around and getting drunk after everything he's been through with the mob. Gary said that Henry didn't even have the money to pay for the drinks he was having at the bar he went to. Howard had a rundown from Doug Goodstein who ran down there to see him. He read Doug's note and said that Henry was laughing and cackling a lot after puking on himself. They brought him some food but Henry spilled and dropped the food he was given. They sat Henry down on the steps and ate the napkin that was around a hot dog he was given. Doug said that Henry was brought to the car that came to pick him up but he was afraid it was a cop car and refused to get in. Doug wasn't sure if Henry was able to make his flight because they refused to leave until they had the ass rape DVD that they brought.
Howard and the guys talked about that ass rape DVD and how now they don't believe that Henry had anything slipped into his drink when he was raped. Doug came in and told Howard a little more about Henry and then they talked about the Howard TV thing. Howard said they had a cool meeting and talked about having a film festival for the Howard TV (formerly Howard Stern On Demand) channel. Howard said that they were thinking of letting the fans make movies based on their scripts and stuff like that. Fans will be able to get involved but they haven't worked out all of the details yet.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio. Henry was still mumbling and asking for some cafe that he wanted to go to. The guys sat him down but Henry was demanding to go to the cafe and wanted some type of drink. He was laughing and cackling like a mad man. Richie Wilson was there and said that Henry only had a fleece jacket with him because he thought it was going to be warm in New York. He also said that Henry must have crapped his pants because he grabbed his ass and said ''Uh Oh'' at one point, then he sat down and went ''Oohhhhhhh.'' Richie said that if you combined Hank the Dwarf and Jeff the Drunk it wouldn't be as bad as Henry was.
Henry ate his hot dog and the napkin it was wrapped in. Then he spit some of it out and part of it ended up on Doug. Then Henry was trying to say ''Carmel Machiatta'' but no one understood what he was saying at the time. Artie and Robin recognized it as soon as he said it though. Howard said that Richard is going to take the audio from that and play them as if he were a Chinese guy.
Howard then told the caller that he got a call from the great Steve Martin the other day. Steve told him that he's doing Saturday Night Live in a couple of weeks and wanted to know if this sketch he was thinking about would bother him. He said that Steve wanted to use a boing sound effect from the show in the sketch but didn't want that to bother them. Howard told him it's probably not even their boing. Fred played some of the boing sounds that it could be to demonstrate it. Howard said that he's honored that Steve would even call about something like that. Howard also said that Steve told him he loves the new show on SIRIUS so he was going to go buy a new radio at Radio Shack... but they were all sold out. Steve Martin can't even get one.
Howard said that it's really upsetting that people can't get their radios right now and Scott Greenstein is more worried about them mentioning Jagermeister. The caller said that his friends are all having problems getting everything hooked up. He figures that the numbers must be growing a lot because they're still so backed up in that area. Howard said he's not sure exactly where the subscribers sound right now because he has to wait for SIRIUS to announce those numbers. The caller wanted Howard to keep everyone updated on those numbers.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio clips and had some more of his demented laughter. Henry was brought to the car that was sent to pick him up. He didn't want to get into the car, probably because he thought it was a mob car. He eventually got in the car and complained about being cold. He was mumbling more but Robin was able to figure out what he was saying. He said he had a warm heart and that he was looking for a girlfriend. Then he said something about giving her a 5 carat diamond... at least that's what Robin thinks he said. Henry was demanding his ass rape tape back and then asking for a girlfriend again. The guys eventually got rid of Henry and sent him on his way in the car.
The guys were talking about yesterday's Oprah Winfrey show and how she went off on an author who had scammed her about a book he wrote. The guy lied about some of the stuff in his book and Oprah went off on him during her whole show yesterday. Artie said the guy's book was actually very well written but it turns out that it just wasn't completely true.
Howard said there is a lot of nervousness when it comes to remaking something like this. When they were making it, there was someone breathing into the mic so Howard freaked out. He played some of the audio from the recording session where Sal blamed Artie for the breathing so Artie shot back at him by calling him a jerkoff. There was also some audio of Tim Sabean screwing up a line and Howard telling him he was terrible.
After playing the out takes Howard played the new Homo-Cop 2006 bit. He said it lasts about 5 minutes so it's almost a whole epic movie. The bit is based on the Robocop story but Howard plays a gay guy who is turned into a robotic homo cop.
Howard had everyone take a big bow after the bit. He then went into a bit of a music break and then a prank call that they made using clips from Gary's ''take me back'' tape. They called a woman and had Gary apologizing to her about something she knew nothing about.
The guys talked about how strange Baldwin was when he was going out with Christian skate boarders and stuff. Howard talked about the days when he used to watch Davey and Goliath and how much they pushed Jesus in those old shows.
The caller also mentioned Mark The Bagger who came in with The Bloodhound Gang. Howard said that he thinks the Bloodhound Gang will be doing a show on Sunday night and Mark will return next week to his radio show. He said that the guy has to be seen. He also said that one of the guys from the band pulled down Mark's pants and grabbed his penis while he was talking. Howard played a prank call that Mark made to a vocal coach. The coach didn't understand what Mark was saying so Sal and Richard had to break in and help him out. Artie said that Sal and Richard's bits are great but they always have to be in the bits together. Howard went to break after that.
Howard wondered who races in the races that Bubba participates in. Robin said she thinks they're legitimate races and he's racing with professionals. Lisa told Howard they'll also be talking about Shade 45 and then about a bread truck driver who almost got a ticket for playing Howard's show in his truck.
Howard heard that Lisa was so freaked out by Henry Hill that she almost started crying yesterday. She said she felt really bad for him. She did an interview with him after the show yesterday and he told her that he was trying to clean himself up... Then he went out and got plastered. Lisa told Howard that she interviewed him and he told her that he wanted to cum on her face. She felt weird saying that because she's a news person.
Howard said that is somewhat of a compliment. He said that he saw a thread on SternFanNetwork.com where people were talking about who would like to bang Lisa. Howard said they were talking about that on the Superfan Roundtable last night too. He said he's too thin skinned to read that stuff over at SternFanNetwork.com anymore. Lisa said she's the same way right now too.
Howard had some audio clips from Oprah Winfrey's show where she talked to an author about how he duped her and her audience by lying in his book (A Million Little Pieces) about some things that went on when he was in rehab. Howard played one clip where Oprah apologized for a call she made to Larry King defending this guy. Howard said he really hates that Oprah is like a god to some women in this country. Robin said she remembers Gary telling a story about how Gary wanted to watch a movie one time and his wife refused to watch it... until Oprah said it was a movie that everyone had to watch. Then she told Gary to go out and buy the movie.
Howard played another clip from Oprah's show where she confronted this author about the way he presented himself on the show. Of course her audience is on her side. In another clip Oprah asked the guy if he was being truthful about having root canals done without novacaine. The author, James Frey, tried to explain himself and said he couldn't remember if he had used novacaine or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show lately. He told Howard that Yucko is great on the show. That led to Howard saying that Ralph was there to get roasted and Yucko will be one of those people. Ralph was there in the studio so he was saying that there aren't any comedians there to roast him so he's not sure it'll be that good. The guys who are on the list aren't ''real comedians'' to him. He said he doesn't see their names up at Caroline's Comedy Club.
Howard got back to the Oprah stuff and spent a couple more minutes discussing that. He said that the author should have just said it was a novel and he would have been fine. He didn't have to say that it was true because it was written well. Now the guy has written a second book and he probably won't sell many books. Howard played some more audio from the show where the guy was defending himself with Oprah.
Howard said that he has an article about a guy who claims he had a gay affair with Clay Aiken. He wondered if Oprah would confront him about something like that if it was really true because he's gone on her show claiming that he's straight. Artie said that he's had to embellish stories himself but he has to do that to protect people. He said he had to change part of the pig on coke story he told back on the other radio station. He said he was just protecting someone though.
Howard said that it was funny how Oprah straightened out her hair for her show. He said that the hair looks really fake when she straightens it out like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him about what Bubba the Love Sponge actually does when he races those cars. Howard said the pictures are now up on his web site for those who want to see them. The caller said he saw Bubba crash one time and he ended up in the trees.
Another caller told Howard that he feels duped about the book he wrote after hearing his mother say that living in Roosevelt wasn't that bad. That got the guys back on the subject of Oprah's show but Howard was zoning out when Fred started to go into a whole rap about the author. Fred had actually gone to dinner with the guy and knew a lot about the story. Howard cut him off though and moved on to some other things.
A phone caller told Howard that he was talking to a friend about faggots and his friend said that every guy is gay because they all touch their own penis to jerk off. Howard said that's not the case and it's only gay if you're thinking about another dude. He said if you're doing it to a woman, you're not gay. Howard wanted to go right into the Joe Rogan comedy bit he's played in the past but he wasn't able to find it. Fred had it in his system so Howard cued him to play it... There was some confusion there so Fred didn't play it, he thought they were going to break. Howard flipped out on him a little bit and had him just go to commercial instead.
Bob said that Benjy signed up for the roast a couple of days ago but backed out of it. Benjy said he never did such a thing. That led to Bob roasting Benjy a little bit. He was going off him and warming up the crowd. He even joked about Robin doing an N-word joke that didn't go over so well. He came right back and said that the only thing that her glass booth is missing is a ''Don't feed the animals'' sign.
Howard didn't like the sound quality that was coming through on the mics so he asked Scott the Engineer what was up with that. Scott had no idea so Bob continued roasting Robin a little bit. Howard had to ask Ralph to remove his sunglasses because the Howard TV crew were asking for that. Ralph refused to remove them.
Bob roasted Howard a little bit and goofed on his nose and penis size. He also said that Beth is so much younger than Howard that after she blows him he has to burp her. He then went after Gary saying that the only reason the black guy he called the N-word didn't punch his teeth out is because it would have taken him 3 days. He goofed on Sal a little bit and then hit Artie with a joke about how his movie will be watched less, his movie or Rosie O'Donnell porn. He eventually made his way to Ralph Cirella.
Bob cracked some jokes about Ralph's gay stuff and about being jobless. He was hitting him like crazy with some great one liners. Howard interrupted him for a minute and then Bob got back to roasting Ralph and making more and more jokes about him being gay. Even Ralph was laughing at a lot of the jokes. He had one about all of the bumps on Ralph's face actually reading ''FAGGOT'' in brail. He also said that he can't believe that Howard is able to get rid of that fat under his chin but he can't get rid of Ralph. Howard wanted Bob to take it home and wrap up his roast.
Ralph was making some snoring sounds because he thought that Bob should have edited himself a little bit. Bob told a few more jokes but he seemed to be losing the crowd according to Howard. He brought them back a few seconds later but Howard had to go to break.
Jim moved on to Ralph and roasted him. He was pretty brutal. He goofed on him for being a homosexual and about how he never finishes stuff. He said he would never want a blow job from Ralph because he's infamous for not finishing things. Jim kept his roast pretty short and did a great job with his roast.
Bob Levy brought up Comedian Mike Morse (Mike-Morse.com) who is helping him write a sitcom... which Bob said will probably go nowhere. Mike roasted Bob a little bit about his drinking. He had a few good one liners about him and then hit Jim with a few. After hearing a few of the lines Howard said that maybe Levy's sitcom will be good. Mike then moved on to Ralph and called him a dingleberry on the ass of success. Ralph was giving all of them a hard time as they were roasting him. Mike goofed on the berry he has on his face and things like that. Ralph was coming back at him saying that he doesn't even know who he is and doesn't have to take that kind of crap from these guys. Mike finished up with one joke about how Ralph gets fucked up the ass so often that his shit has to make an appointment to come out. Howard had to take another break after that.
Shuli hit Yucko with a few lines and said that he's the only guy who looks less creepy with the costume on. He then moved on to Jim Florentine and roasted him about his Meet the Creeps stuff and how it went straight to Comedy Central... dot com. He moved on to Bob Levy next and said he'd be doing a show at a firehouse in Hoboken next week. Then he moved on to Ralph.
Shuli roasted Ralph and said that he's banged so many strippers that he's been banned from Chipendales. He had some other jokes about being gay and dressing Howard. He kept it short and even Ralph thought he was good. The audience was acting up a bit so Howard went to them a little bit. Angry Black was looking for some of that Jagermeister that was sitting in there. Howard told him to hold on and they'd get to that later.
Bob brought up the next guy, Don Jamieson. Ralph said that it was another guy that they don't know. Don's mic wasn't working very well. They had to ask Don not to move around at all. Don went right into the Ralph roast. He said that when Ralph walks into a pet store, all of the gerbils run and hide. He had a bunch of other jokes about the gay stuff. Ralph was being a pain in the ass not letting him roast him because he didn't know who the hell he was. Don said he knows that Ralph isn't gay... because Tom Cruise and High Pitch Eric told him so. He then roasted High Pitch Eric since he was in the audience.
Don cracked one joke about Eric's penis so Eric whipped it out. He wanted to prove that he had a big one but Ralph said he had balls the size of baseballs but the penis was about an inch. Don got back to his roast and had Howard laughing quite a bit. He wrapped up a short time later. Ralph wasn't too thrilled with the performances so far though.
Bob Levy tried to introduce the next guy but Howard had everyone giving all of the comedian's a hand for what they had done so far. Bob then introduced Yucko the Clown. Yucko got up and told Bob that he sucked. He goofed on Bob a little bit and then moved right on to Ralph. He said that if Ralph was a soup, he'd be ''Cream of Faggot.'' Yucko had his horn honking after each joke. He also said that if Ralph is into fitness ''so how about fitness cock into your mouth.'' Yucko was also going off on Artie a little bit and had everyone cracking up with those jokes. He kept his act pretty short and asked Yucko about how he gets his boyfriend's shit out of the slit of his penis. Howard thought that line was pretty funny.
Bob asked Ralph to get up and say a few words but he wasn't interested in saying anything. Ralph said it was fun being there and he's not a comedian... and neither were those guys. Artie wrote some lines for him but he didn't want to write them. Ralph said he didn't want to read them and asked Artie to do it. Gary said that if Ralph was listening to this, he'd call in and tell himself to cooperate. Ralph said he's not into doing that stuff.
Jim Florentine told Ralph that if the lines don't work, he can blame it on Artie. Everyone thought he was ruining the roast. The audience was going off on him and telling him to just do it. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that to them. Howard said he loves the roast show. Zolar asked if he could read Ralph's lines. No one thought it would work... and they were right. Zolar and Angry Black tried to read the lines but they weren't working. High Pitch tried to read one too but he wasn't even able to deliver it very well.
Howard asked Artie to read one of the lines to deliver it the right way. Artie didn't want to do it either. Artie looked at the list and said that Ralph fucked him over there. He wrote it as if Ralph would read them. He read a couple of jokes about Bob that were really funny. He also had some about Yucko that everyone loved. Bob said that Ralph had gold there and should have read the jokes.
Ralph thought that Artie was delivering the jokes better than he could have. Artie read a few more of his lines and went off on Shuli and more on Bob. Artie had a lot of fun goofing around with them and thought that Ralph could have gotten some laughs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this whole roast was great. Artie read a few more lines and started to get into it because he had written them all. Another caller told Howard how great this roast was and how she was going to listen to it again tonight on the replay. Howard told Ralph that he could have killed with those jokes but he blew it.
Howard thanked all of the comedians for coming in and doing a great job. He also thanked the audience for coming in. It was their first audience in the studio so far. Zolar was screaming at the top of his lungs not letting anyone else get any attention. Howard said there were a couple of women there too but Zolar wasn't allowing them to get any attention. Howard said hello to a couple of the women in the crowd. First up was Casey and then Tara, her sister. One of the girls was a stand-up comedian so Howard asked her if she had any jokes about him. She started to call him some names but Ralph told her to shut up and that she wasn't funny. Things were getting ugly so Howard cut them off.
Captain Janks called in and congratulated Bob for the great show. He also suggested a 5 minute a day roast of Ralph. Another caller thought that the roast was very funny but Ralph didn't deliver when expected. Another guy said that Ralph proved that he's the bitch that everyone expected. Howard also pointed out that Ralph was an excellent person to roast. Howard asked who was next on the Roast list. Bob said he was thinking about Robin but they can go with someone else if they want. Howard said he'll let him pick and won't put him on the spot.
Howard said that maybe they should let Ralph pick the next person to roast. Ralph said he might go with Howard. Go from the lowest to the highest. Howard took another phone call and then asked the comics if they had any big gigs to plug. Each of the guys got in their plugs. Artie even got one in for BeerLeagueTheMovie.com. Mike Morse said he'd be up at The Treehouse in Connecticut this weekend. Don is at DonJamieson.com, Jim mentioned he's doing some shows at the Comedy Cabaret in Northeast Philly this weekend. Bob got in a plug for revboblevy.net, Yucko's stuff is available at DamnShow.com. Howard took a couple more calls, including one from Vinnie Favale who thinks Ralph blew it this morning, and then went to break.
Howard brought up the Rolling Stone magazine article about how he's basically a boring old fuck. He said that he finds it interesting that the author will never write anything negative about people who are friends of Jann Wenner who runs the magazine. Howard thought that he was a friend of Jann's but now the guy has let the negative article go out. He said he will never allow a negative article about Yoko Ono. Some people sent Howard some notes about Jann and how he helps his friends out by giving them great ratings for albums that suck. They've also retracted articles that they've written after friends have complained. One writer said that Rolling Stone continues to push ads for tobacco companies even after printing obituary after obituary about rock stars who have died of lung cancer.
Ralph added that Rolling Stone isn't relevant these days and no one cares about the magazine now. Howard said that he's been reading the magazine for years and he's still a fan at 52 but they can't bring in any younger audience. Howard said he was actually thinking about hiring the author of the negative article about him. He was on the fence about it because the past few articles he wrote were kind of boring.
Howard said that he's now subscribing to Esquire magazine because they cover rock and roll better than Rolling Stone does. Gary said that Blender magazine is also better than Rolling Stone. Howard and the guys were also talking about what an ass kisser of The Rolling Stones Jann Wenner seems to be. They talked about how The Rolling Stones are getting $450 per ticket for their concerts. The guys can't believe that.
Gary said that he had a negative piece that aired down in Philly recently. He was trying to give the show a fair and balanced view of the show. This roundtable show that aired is filled with people who detest Howard Stern. Howard wasn't sure why he was playing it because he doesn't have to be fair and balanced. As soon as the moderator brought Howard up people started going off on him.
The people on the panel were upset that Howard was getting paid $500 million while coal miners are getting blown up because they can't get the equipment they deserve. Howard said that's an absurd statement. He gets an audience and makes the company he works for a lot of money. One of the people on the roundtable said that Howard was doing nothing but pornography. Howard also said that's not true either. One woman said that Howard is sexist, racist and uses profanity for no reason while people like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin used it for a reason. Howard said it's people like that who were sending Lenny Bruce to jail, who is she kidding?
Howard said that the funniest thing about Henry Hill was that Lisa G from Howard 100 News thought that Henry told her he wanted to cum on her face when he was actually saying ''I want a Caramel Macchiato please.'' Robin said that she doesn't believe she's ever been as drunk as Henry was. Artie said he has. Howard played another clip where Henry was complaining about being cold and asking for a girlfriend.
Ben told Howard that the guy on that roundtable tape had no reason to compare mine safety to Howard. They were equating the salary of a miner to the money Howard is making. It's a ridiculous comparison. Howard changed the subject and asked his father if he likes doing the Meet the Sterns show on SIRIUS. Howard told him that he doesn't want them to do it if they don't really enjoy it. Ben said that they do get off the show and are on a high but they're just amateurs when it comes to doing a radio show. Ben said that he would rather not do a weekly show but perhaps once a month. Howard said that will work and he would love that. He said they can always stop doing it when they want.
Ben said that while you're doing the show you feel you're doing a good job because everyone treats them so well. He talked about how great they're treated up there when they come up. Robin said she thinks that they do like it but they don't want the pressure of doing a weekly show. Howard asked to talk to his mother but Ben wasn't sure where she was. She came over a short time later.
Howard asked his mother Ray if she would enjoy doing the show once a month and if she likes doing the show. Ray said that she's doing it for Howard. She doesn't do it for herself. Howard said if that's the case then he doesn't want her to do it. Ray said that she does have some pressure on her when she does the show but she will do it if he wants her to. She wasn't giving him a straight answer. Artie thinks that they both don't like doing the show but Robin thinks that Ray doesn't like it but Ben does.
Howard said he doesn't want to ask them to do the show if they really don't enjoy it. Robin said it sounds like his father enjoys it but his mother doesn't. Gary heard that Ray doesn't like going into the city so maybe they could put them up in a hotel. Ray said she's not looking for that and they have been treated very well so far. Howard thought about replacing his mother with another woman, like a stripper from Scores. Howard told his mother that he loves her on the show and that she does a great job. She found that hard to believe.
Ray asked Howard what his problem is with Oprah. That got Howard talking about how Oprah is such a big influence in women's lives that they pay more attention to her than they do to their own husbands. Ray said that's out of wack and an exaggeration. Howard and the guys argued with Ray about the way Oprah changes women and makes them think that they should act a certain way. She's a know-it-all according to Robin and she doesn't appreciate the way she talks a good game but doesn't follow her own rules. She gives advice on kids and marriage but she doesn't have kids and she's not married.
Robin told Ray that Oprah lives in a building where only one pet is allowed yet she has 3 pets in her apartment and no one says a thing to her. That's not right. Ray didn't think that was such a big deal. She told Howard that she loves the new studio that he's working in and he's very lucky to be there. Howard said he'll talk to her some more about doing the Meet the Sterns thing some other time. He let her go right after that.
Jon Hein came in to talk about what they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. Jon said that they'll have the comedians from the roast in to talk about their experience. Gary said that Ralph isn't invited to the Wrap Up Show because they've heard enough from him today. Artie said that he had some roast material for Jon Hein... He told a couple of one liners where he called Jon a nerd and told him that his Wrap Up show jumped the shark 10 days ago... and if he looks underneath him right now, he'll see a shark.
Jon said they'll also ask the In Demand crew how they get to find Henry Hill and cover it. Howard said he knows how that happens, he had to yell at people to cover it while they were in a meeting yesterday. Mike Gange said that as soon as they heard that Henry was downstairs drunk, they ran down there to get him on camera. Howard said that they should be covering the guy the whole time he's there because the fans want to see the behind the scenes stuff.
Howard said that they better get the camera on Danny Bonaduce all next week because he's a train wreck. Artie was doing his impression of Danny and talking about how great the VH1 ''Breaking Bonaduce'' show has been. He just caught up on that show recently and he loves some of the stuff that went on during that show. Gary told Howard that they have a whole page of Danny audio clips that he can play. He played the clip that Artie always imitates.
Then he played one clip where he freaks out over a picture that was taken of his wife getting her back rubbed. Danny got pissed when he found that out. Howard played a clip where Danny confronts one of the band members who was there when the guitar player stood over his wife in the picture. The guy had to apologize for not being his boy and helping him out.
Howard had George Flowers doing his impression of Danny but it sounded more like an angry pirate instead of Danny Bonaduce. Ralph told him to stick to doing the news. Howard had Robin get to her news but she wasn't quite ready since they don't get many breaks. That led to Ralph complaining that he hasn't had the chance to take a bathroom break. Howard told him that no one is stopping him from doing that and Artie started to laugh his ass off. He thought that line was the funniest of the show today because no one cares if Ralph takes a break or not.
Bong Hit Eric called in during the news and said that the roast from earlier was great. He said that everything about it gives you the full effect of what a roast can be like. Another caller suggested that they roast Danny Bonaduce next week. Howard said they might have to put him in a straight jacket and then roast him. Howard said they could mess with his wife in front of him and really drive him nuts. Robin finished up her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.