Howard started off the show talking about how his dog woke him up at about 1 in the morning. He wasn't able to go back to sleep until about 4 when he had to get up anyway. He's not sure why the dog got up but it may have had something to do with the heat in the apartment. He said he asked her what was wrong but she didn't answer him.
Howard talked about the Mets playoff games and what went on with them over the weekend. Artie and Gary got in on that discussion and talked about how they won on Thursday night. Then they lost on Friday and Saturday. Gary said that last night they got another win. Artie said that he's actively rooting against the Mets because he hates the team and the fans because they're annoying.
Gary said he's not sure if he's doing a character of an asshole Yankees fan or if he's for real. Howard seems to think he's for real. Gary said he and the other Mets fans out there understand that the Yankees are very good but they don't have to rub it in people's faces all the time like they do. Artie said that New York is big enough to support both teams. He said he doesn't want to hear from the Mets fans until they win another World Series.
Gary also talked about how Detroit won their playoff games so they're home resting while the Mets are still playing. Howard asked Artie how he's going to feel if Detroit loses to the Mets because that would almost mean that the Mets could have beat the Yankees. Artie said that's not true, they don't know that unless they actually played.
Fred got into the discussion and talked about how the Mets fans are just as bad as the Yankees fans as far as backing up their team. Fred is a big Yankee fan and Howard had no idea.
Gary asked Howard if he watched any of the football games that were on this weekend. Howard saw some of the Jets game but didn't see the whole thing. Artie got them back on the Mets after talking about last night's game. They spent a short time on that and then Gary brought up the football pool.
Howard said that Crazy Alice lost this weekend. She's still in first place at 4-1. Big Foot is in second after another win with 3-2-1. Artie lost so he's 2-4. Elegant Elliot Offen is also at 2-4 with a win this weekend. Alice is still in first place but she doesn't have as much of a lead as she did.
Artie wondered what they would be called by the paparazzi if they were dating. They were throwing around names like Blang, Bling and just plain ''Gross'' by Howard.
Howard said he tried to watch a movie on pay-per-view last night and it turned out to be pretty bad. He said it was a movie about a girl who had to be a boy to get on a soccer game. He lasted 5 minutes in that. Then he and Beth tried to watch ''Failure to Launch'' and that wasn't all that great. He said that he was watching Beth and she fell asleep within a few minutes.
Howard said the movie was mind numbing and he just couldn't take it. He finally fell asleep after that and then the dog woke him up. He said he hates that on work days because he has to get up so early.
Howard read an article about Patty Smith who was there at the club last night. She was talking about how the club is a state of mind and the younger kids need a place of their own now. Howard said he really doesn't care about CBGBs or if kids have a place to go. Artie said that the young kid's place is on the web now.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about why the club is closing. The owner has been battling cancer and the landlord decided not to let them renew their lease. They're going to be taking everything out of the club to save it.
Howard was talking about Patty Smith and how he wasn't a big fan of hers. He said that she didn't have any great songs and the big hit she did have, ''Because The Night'' was a cover of a Springsteen song. Fred played a couple of her songs to show how bad her music really was. She used the N-word in one song so the guys were thinking that maybe she was ahead of her time back then. Howard and Fred said that John Lennon used the word in a song before Patty Smith ever did. Fred played that song and Howard joked that Howard 100 News would be doing a report about all of the songs where they use the N-word.
Howard played an old message that Mr. Christy left where he offered to send Richard some raccoon dicks to show to the guys on the show. Howard said Richard told him that he used to go hunting with his father and the guy would get his foot caught in traps and stuff.
Richard came in and said he's not going to do any coon hunting with his father anymore, he was never really into it. Fred played a new theme song they have for Richard before he could get a word in. He talked about how they used to hunt and how horrible it was running around in the dark trying to catch these things. They would sell the furs to a guy who had them hanging all over his barn. He said the barn stunk and there were a bunch of skins hanging from the walls. Richard said his father would take the meat to Kansas City and sell that to the black people there.
Ralph called in and said that Richard needs to shower because he has a stink about him. Artie said he's noticed that as well and that's why he likes Ralph sometimes. Richard didn't think he smelled that bad but these guys have noticed it. Richard said he didn't shower today and the last time he did shower was on Saturday afternoon.
Howard asked Richard why he doesn't shower every day. Richard tried to answer but all he got out was ''Uhm...'' Richard said he's got a busy life and he doesn't always have time to shower. He said that Sal doesn't seem to care about the smell so that's why he doesn't bother.
The guys said that Sal and Richard's office stinks like a locker room. Richard said he had a room deodorizer but Howard made them shut it off. Richard said that he didn't have time to shower this morning because he had to get up at 4 in the morning. Howard suggested that he take one at night but Richard said he wanted to get to bed early. He doesn't take just 10 minute showers, he said he really gets into it and takes really long showers.
Howard said that he hung up a cage with a canary in Sal and Richard's office to see if it's safe to go in there. Artie said he wasn't able to eat one day when he was sitting next to Richard. He said the guy smelled like bad B.O. and he couldn't eat anything. Richard was smiling through all of this and thinking that it was all funny.
Richard said he was trying to avoid things like this so Ralph told him to just take a shower. He said that he wondered if they should mop the carpet in the office or something. The guys told Richard that it's not the room, it's him.
Gary came in and said that Richard has a girlfriend and the guys were wondering if she ever notices the smell. Richard said that she has asked him to brush his teeth once in a while. Ralph said that her telling him that just once is too much. If she notices the smell, it's got to be really bad. Ralph said that his smell really takes over when he enters a room.
Howard said that Richard is like a little kid with that stuff. Ralph said that's why he thinks Richard might be a little retarded. Richard said he used to go weeks without a shower but now it's just a few days so he's working up to every day. Richard said he thought about showering this morning but he wanted to get to work early so he didn't bother.
Howard got a note from someone about how Gary's breath was really bad when he was on the South Beach diet. Gary said that was two years ago.
Howard said Richard went out to Kansas over the weekend to visit his parents and he recorded some screaming kids on the flight out there. Howard played the audio and the kid was screaming like it was in pain. The guys said that it was probably crying because of Richard's stink. The kid cried for hours according to Richard. He said it was probably close to a full hour.
Howard said that Richard called this nerdy guy on a public access show again and he's been driving him nuts. The guy was on Howard's show one time to show his 13 inch penis but he doesn't seem to have a sense of humor. The guy does a show about the Yankees. Howard played the clip where Richard goofed on him about being nerdy and having a huge penis. The guy, Jonah, went off on Richard and the other guys who call his show like that. He said his show is going to succeed because he's going to put his heart into it.
In another clip the guy replayed an old show but he put in a disclaimer about the people who were prank calling him. He went off on Howard for what his guys are doing and said that his show is dead and the prank calls are so 1990s. He did say that his ratings have gone up since they started calling him. He said he's going to be switching over to a movie discussion show after the baseball season is over. He said he won't be talking about Howard's movie ''Private Parts.''
Howard said if he did release the movie, it would probably take up his whole life getting caught up in details. Ralph told him not to get caught up in all of the details and just get it done. Howard said he's one to talk. That led to him asking Ralph if he's dating any girls right now because so many people ask about that.
Richard said Ralph didn't even go to Ronnie's Scores party. Gary said that Ralph is just way too cool for their parties. Howard doesn't think that's the case, there's something else going on there and it's really weird. Ralph is like 40 years old and he won't share his life with anyone. He said his life is going to be a disaster if he doesn't do something.
Ralph said that the last time he had sex was a few months ago. Robin thought that was kind of odd for him. Howard said there is a little part of him that thinks that Ralph might be gay but he's pretty sure he's not. He did hear from someone that Ralph gave a guy a hand job in a hot tub one time. Ralph said that story was all made up and he never did that. Ralph said that he has been in a room with other naked guys but he's never fucked another guy.
Ralph said that he and someone else banged a chick together. He did his Steve Grillo impression while saying that he was going to remain nameless. Ralph said he was banging this chick while the other guy was getting a blow job. He wasn't sure where he finished or how he did but he remembers the other guy going down on the chick after he had finished with her. He said the guy was on her for like an hour but he's not sure if he wore a condom or not. He said he doesn't like to cum inside a chick so he probably went all over her.
Ralph said that the guy was going down on the chick while he passed out for a couple of hours. When he woke up, that guy was still on the chick. He thought that was pretty weird.
Howard was going to let Ralph go but Ralph brought up a story they did on 60 Minutes last night about a stripper who claims that she was raped by some college kids. JD came in and said that he had some clips from that segment where they let the term ''Little dick white boy'' out on the air. Howard didn't seem to care much about that though so he didn't bother playing the clips.
Ronnie came in and said that it was about 22 people who showed up. He said that some people begged to come but didn't show up after they got their invitations. He said Ralph didn't show up either after saying he was going to come. Howard said that's what he was talking about with Ralph acting really weird. Artie said that he thinks Ralph is depressed or something. Howard said whatever it is, it's really weird.
Robin said that Ralph does seem to be spending a lot of time at home. He doesn't share his life with anyone. Howard said that everyone on the show shares their life with someone but Ralph really doesn't. Artie thinks that he's just really depressed because that's what depression does to a guy. He said he's been there and knows what it's like. He said he's also done that kind of thing when he's on drugs.
Ronnie said he knew a guy who didn't leave his house and would stay in his pajamas all the time. He would get girlfriends and stuff but he would never leave his parents house and he's not sure how that worked. Howard said he got Ralph a therapist but he stopped going.
Ralph was back on the phone so he said he just got tired on Thursday and didn't make it to the party. Ronnie said that it's every party they invite him to. Ralph said that he tries to make it and sometimes he just can't work things out.
Ralph also revealed that his big screen TV keeps him at home more now because it's so great. Ronnie hooked him up with that so he was taking some of the blame for that.
Howard got back to the Scores party and talked about how much fun that was. He apologized to Ronnie for not saying goodbye to him. Ronnie said that was fine, he didn't have a problem with that.
Howard played a clip of Jason and Will's Page 69 report about the Scores party. Jason said that Sal's behavior there was very strange and he ended up throwing up on Richard after having a few too many tequila shots. Howard wondered why everything with Sal is with Richard. Ronnie said that Richard didn't even care that he had gotten puked on him. Jason said that Sal was trying to wipe up the puke with cocktail napkins and people were screaming and stepping in the puke.
Ronnie said that everyone was worried about Sal and he promised nothing would go wrong. Then he goes and pukes on Richard. Howard played another clip where Will said that he saw Sal talking to Richard about how he's much more talented than Artie is and he was crying as he was telling him that. Howard said Sal wasn't even getting lap dances when he saw him. He was just telling everyone how much he loves them.
Howard wondered why Sal would try to get something started between Richard and Artie. Sal came in and said that he was drunk so that must be why he was saying that stuff. He also said that Artie always bashes their comedy so that might be where that came from. Artie said he doesn't remember bashing his stand-up so bad.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Sal had to do the Scores walk of shame where he had to take one of the strippers to an ATM and give her more money. Sal said it was this Russian chick and he had told her that he was a producer from Dancing with the Stars. He said it costs you 10 bucks to get money out of the machine and it would only give him $100 at a time. He said she took more money from him that he was going to give her. He said that she was Russian but she's the only Russian chick that he knows by the name of Juanita.
Artie told Sal that he's not doing any gigs with Sal anymore because of this comment he made to Richard. He said he's a creepy fucker and he doesn't want to do shows with him now. Sal said that Richard has been upset about Artie lately so that's why he was trying to make him feel better. Artie said that the worst thing he said was that Richard's comedy needed some work.
Richard came in and said that Sal wasn't trying to start something, he was just being nice to him. Artie asked Richard if he was really upset. Richard said he was upset at the roast when he ripped him apart. Robin pointed out that they were at a roast at the time and that's what they do. Richard said it was before the roast started though. Artie said he doesn't rip on the guy, he just said that his act needed some work, that's it.
Artie told Sal and Richard not to ask him for advice on their acts anymore. Richard said it was just that one day at the roast that it was so bad. Howard thinks that it's Sal who keeps bringing this stuff up. Sal doesn't get why Howard takes all of this out on him. Howard told him it's because he fucks everything up when he goes to these events that they do.
Howard said that Richard was not upset at Scores when he saw him so he still thinks that it was Sal who brought up the Artie thing there. Even Richard said that he wasn't thinking about the Artie thing there at Scores but it's on his mind a lot. Howard was right then, Sal must have brought Artie's name up during that conversation. Howard told the two of them to save this stuff for the marriage counseling. Robin told Richard to talk to Artie if he's upset about his comments.
Artie said he's really not going to do these gigs that he was going to do because he thinks that Sal is a creep. Sal said that he was just trying to make Richard feel better and didn't understand why Artie was so upset. Howard wanted to get both Sal and Richard out of there. Sal said they'd go if they got Artie out of there. They left a short time later and then Artie threw in another comment about what the two of them do when he said he'd leave and go in the back and yell out the C-word to some public access shows.
Sal came back in a short time later went off on Artie for the jokes that he does on every talk show he does. Artie said that's not true but Sal said that Artie just has to get in the last joke. He said that it's not a big deal that he did what he did and he should just forget about it. Sal went off on Artie a little more about bashing the shit out of Richard. Both Howard and Artie don't think he did bash Richard though so they're not sure where this is coming from.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal and Richard need Artie but Artie doesn't need them. Melrose Larry Green called in and told Sal and Richard that they're out of their minds and that they suck and Artie is hilarious. Sal apologized to Artie for using his name while trying to make Richard feel better. Artie said he wasn't offended by it, he was creeped out by it.
Ralph called in again and said that Sal and Richard are always like a couple referring to ''we'' whenever they talk about what they do. They're like two broads.
Eric said that he also wanted to talk about the weekend box office stuff but ''The Marine'' didn't make it into the top 3 movies. He said he didn't see a report on how much it made either. The guys spent a short time talking about the other movies that did make money over the weekend. Ralph was still on the line goofing on Eric.
Robin said that The Marine made $7 million this weekend. Eric asked the fans to go see the movie because he wants it to be successful. Howard did his impression of Eric and said that he's in love with John Cena. Eric said that the WWE is a great thing and he wants John Cena to do well. He also said that he really enjoyed the movie. Robin said that the movie got zero stars from the critics though.
The guys were all doing their Eric impressions and goofing on him but Howard had to cut it short because he had gone over an hour and a half without a commercial break. He let Eric go but Gary told him he had a clip that Richard had pulled from that Roast day where Artie made comments about Richard's comedy act.
In the clip Artie told Richard he sucks when he's drunk and when he's sober. Artie said that he's awful and goofed on him about that a little bit. They were just in the Roasting mood that day though so that's where it was coming from with Artie. Richard took it way too personally.
Artie was drunk that day so he may have been venting about the way he really feels. Richard got very upset with him and said that he's heard good things about his act from people like Rev. Bob Levy. In the clip we also hear Sal come in and tell Richard he really is awful.
Artie told the guys that he was doing that in the roasting mood and it was just a joke. Ralph said that Artie may have told him one time that there are some people on the show who claim to be comics but they have no business being on stage. Artie didn't remember that conversation. Richard came in again and said that Artie built him up after doing a show one time and then bashed him that day on the show. Richard also said that he was pissed at Sal that day for the comments he made.
Artie told Richard that he and Sal are a couple of girls and they really need to get over this stuff. Howard let Ralph go and then Eric the Midget got in a few more words so Howard could go to break. It was an hour and 40 minutes since the start of the show.
Lisa G said that the makers of the Sybian have a male masturbation machine and it's been flying off the shelves lately. Howard said he actually tried that machine one time on the show. It's called Venus 2000. Howard talked about how heavy the thing is and how it has it's own suitcase that you carry it around in.
Artie asked Howard at what level he would jerk off over having sex with a celebrity. Howard said he would bang a 6 or a 3 before he would jerk off or fuck a fat chick. He said that he can't deal with chicks who are overweight by 15 pounds. If a chick has a good body, he'll bang her even if she's got a bad face. He said they have to be thin because he's got a real thing about heaviness. He has to starve himself to stay thin so the chick has to do the same thing and be thin as well. Howard said he's really focused on Beth right now and there must be something wrong with him because he left Scores early last Thursday to be home with her.
Artie said that he was talking about how he and his friends used to have discussions about what it would be like if they found out that Howard was gay. They said that would be one of the worst things. That and finding out that any one of the Yankees is gay. Howard said he doesn't even want people thinking like that.
Lisa said they'll have some behind the scenes stories about Ronnie's Scores party on Howard 100 News. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said that Scott Greenstein has been driving him nuts about that whole free thing. He said that Scott was telling him that people in China would be able to tune in and hear it. Howard said some of those meetings get very gay.
Howard brought up Dancing with the Stars because one of the women had to leave the show due to some personal problems. He wondered if they were going to bring someone back or what. Robin said that they should just not vote someone off this week like they do on Survivor when someone walks off the show.
Howard talked about this guy Steve Lyons who was fired from FOX sports. He had some audio clips of Lyons and some other guys goofing on someone in the crowd of a game. It turns out that the guy had vision problems and was wearing some goofy glasses. They were obsessed with the guy's glasses and couldn't figure it out. The comments were pretty funny but not appropriate.
Howard played another clip where Lyons made some comments that were a little too racial for FOX. The guy cracked a joke about Lou Pinella and him losing his wallet. It wasn't even that clear to the guys what they were talking about. Gary said that after the comment they said that the phones lit up with Hispanic people complaining. Artie didn't think it was something the guy should be fired over but it's too late, he's already gone.
Howard took a call from Slober who asked when the Gary Roast was taking place. Howard told him that's on October 26th. Slober also asked if he would be willing to switch producers with Bubba's show for a week. Howard said he doesn't want to do that, there's no point to it. He said that Brent is a great producer but he can't imagine doing something like that.
Howard said that Steve Langford called into Bubba's show the other day and they goofed on him by playing some Evel Knievel audio clips. He said that was pretty funny and played that segment for everyone.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that he has met Steve Lyons and gave Howard an update on some of the stuff he's heard him say before. Larry's voice was kind of screwed up so Howard wanted him to clear his voice. Artie asked him if he's there at Jimmy Kimmel's show every night. Larry said he is there almost every night and they let him in whenever he shows up.
Howard took another call from a guy who straightened them out on the Lou Pinella line that Steve Lyons was talking about. Another caller told Howard that Gilbert Gottfried was great during last Friday's Master Tape Theatre show. Howard said he was listening and it was great.
Gary came in with another story about Steve Lyons. He gave it to Howard and he read some of the comments he was fired over. The guys didn't seem to think they were all that bad. Howard said that he wants to hear someone giving his opinion on a show like that, it makes it more interesting.
Howard played their first song parody about Benjy called ''Benjy, Benjy.'' Howard got a few laughs out of that one. He had another one called ''Booey's Got Rhythm'' that was pretty well produced. Howard said it wasn't bad and the guy was at least trying. Artie still didn't get the Cinnamon Artie song and what that was supposed to be about. It didn't make sense to anyone.
Howard played the parody that this guy sent in recently where he sings about Robin's Squeezebox. It was so bad that it was actually good. Artie likes that one and they get a laugh out of it every time they play it.
Mel wouldn't put any of the blame on his father for his hateful comments. Howard seems to think that's where Mel's hate comes from because Mel's father is openly anti-Semitic.
Robin said that Mel was supposed to make a film about the holocaust but Disney dropped it after all of this stuff came about. Howard said the guy seems to be very obsessed with the Jews.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling in from Bangkok, Thailand. He turned up his internet radio so Howard had to ask him to turn it down. The guy had nothing to say though so Howard was going to let him go. The guy wanted to talk about Mel Gibson though. He said a couple of words about that and got Howard revved up about him again. Howard said that Mel is just an asshole.
The caller said that he thinks that Artie is great on the show. Howard let him go after that. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she was out handing out flyers for the free SIRIUS stuff that's going on later this month. Howard thanked her for that and got her off the phone very quickly. He had to go to break after that.
Howard read a plug for the Miserable Men show that's airing tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. He said that Rev. Bob Levy, Shuli and Geno Bisconte are the hosts. He wondered what happened to Jim Florentine but no one had an answer so he figured he must be out working or something.
Howard said that they're still looking for America's Hottest Ex-Con entrants. He said that they only have one so far and she may win the $5,000 if she's the only one they get. He said you can get more details at HowardStern.com.
Howard also said that they want to pay people to watch porn so they're looking for the funniest, most outrageous porn clip that anyone can find. That's another $5,000 contest that's sponsored by Clips4Sale.com.
Howard mentioned that their phone number there is 888-9-ASSHOLE and if you leave out the 9 you get a porn line. He played some audio of that and said it's kind of funny that guys still jerk off to that kind of stuff because he used to do that years ago, before the web. He said he used to set up his room so he could make sure none of his family would walk in on him.
Howard played some audio from the show and heard the host, Julie Donaldson, introducing them. Gary said she's really hot too. She said hello to Gary, Jim Breuer and Matt from MeetTheMets.com. Howard listened to the Mets theme song for a few seconds and then forwarded through that to get to the questions. Gary knew a lot of answers in the trivia challenge.
Gary said that after the first 3 rounds he had 180 points and that guy Matt had like 120 while Jim Breuer came in last and got kicked off. Gary had to compete against Matt in a second round but he ended up beating him over all.
Artie knew a bunch of the answers but not all of them. Gary said Ronnie asked him what he got for the win. Gary said he got nothing so Ronnie told him that was bullshit.
Howard played an audio clip as an example of what people should be sending in as the funniest porn clips for their latest contest. He played one from a Gag Factor movie where a guy was giving a woman oral at a nudist camp and she was making gagging sounds. Howard wondered what the visual was like. Richard Christy came in and said that the guy was using her mouth like a vagina. He said that she throws up on him as well in that clip. Richard asked if gay clips are accepted. Howard said it's any porn clip.
Howard said that Mike would try to sneak fat chicks back to his hotel room when he'd go out on the road with Bob Levy. Mike said that was before he was married, which was over 10 years ago. Mike said he did the midget chick a couple of times and treated her pretty well. He said that she would tell him that he was ''so big'' but it was all relative to her size of course.
Mike said that he's not that big of a guy but now he knows what a big football player must feel like being able to flip a chick around.
Howard got in a couple of mentions for the upcoming Gary roast and the Bitter Half show that will be taking place on the two days that will be broadcast for free.
Howard found out that Mike is the guy who sang the Jon Hein song parody ''Rich Nerd'' and also sang on ''Ralphie Cakes'' which is one of his favorites. Mike said that he tried talking to Ralph a couple of times when he was up there at SIRIUS but he would always ignore him. He said he went home and recorded the ''Ralphie Cakes'' song and Ralph loves it. Fred played the song to let everyone hear that. Howard then brought in Jon Hein so they could play his ''Rich Nerd'' song as well.
Gary said that Steve Langford was nowhere to be found but Jon Hein was there to do his show preview. Howard asked Gary where Mike's plugs were so he could read them. Gary came in and said that Will hadn't gotten the plug from Mike yet so they didn't have it for him.
Fred played Jon Hein's theme ''Rich Nerd'' and Howard told him that he's got to stick to those parodies because they're funny. Mike said he's sent in a few others like one parody about Dana dumping Artie. Fred found that one and played it for Howard. Artie didn't want to hear it but they went through it anyway. It was to the tune of ''Desperado.'' Howard said he had no idea these were Mike's songs. Mike said that he might have to put his name in there so he'll know who they came from. Howard told him the song gives him chills for some reason. He also told Mike he's got a great voice.
Artie said that if Mike were famous, they could comment on his life as well. He went on to talk about how much sleep he got out in L.A. while he was out there over the weekend. He had a couple of meetings but spent most of his time sleeping out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he likes Mike's songs better than anyone else's on the show. The guy was also saying that he's going to Iraq soon and all of his buddies are happy because he's got a SIRIUS subscription and they'll be able to listen on the web while they're over there. Howard told the guy not to go and to go to jail instead. He said that this guy probably didn't know he was going to be going to Iraq. He wished the guy luck over there.
Howard gave Mike some plugs for an appearance he has coming up and for his web site Mike-Morse.com.
Steve got back to his preview and said they'll be visiting Riley Martin's apartment and giving a report on that. Fred threw in a song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man did using clips from Riley's radio show. Steve said he hasn't been out there yet but he's looking forward to it.
Steve said that they're also going to be talking about the History of the Howard Stern Show special that will be airing next year. Fred was playing the Steve Langford clip ''Rectal itch'' that they've been playing lately. Mike told Steve that kind of ruins his news credibility when he hears him saying that. Howard had Fred play the prank call that Sal and Richard made to a pharmacy using clips of Steve saying ''Rectal Itch'' and trying to get some help.
Steve got back to his Howard 100 News preview and mentioned that they have a new Page 69 coming up. Howard let him go and had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they'll be talking about Ronnie's Scores Party and about Artie and Sal's argument from early in the morning. Jon wasn't at the Scores party because he had a friend in visiting from Texas. Jon also said that they'll be trying to figure out what's wrong with Ralph these days. Jon said that they'll also talk about Mike Morse's song parodies.
Howard wondered if they have missed any of Mike's song parodies. Mike mentioned a couple and one of them was a song parody about Richard Christy. Another one was about Mel Gibson called ''Why I Hate All of the Jews.'' Howard said he thinks he likes the other three better than that one.
Jon Hein wrapped up with his show preview so Howard let him go. He gave Mike another plug for his comedy show.
Howard read some mail about Artie and Dice. Some people don't know why Artie is doing another show with him. Artie said there are a lot of people like that out there. Artie said that he and Dice aren't enemies so he has no problem with it.
Someone wrote in and complained that Howard was being too tough on Artie. Howard wondered if he was too tough on him and asked Artie if he thinks he has been goofing on him too much. Artie didn't seem to have a problem with it and didn't have anything to say about it. Artie told the guys he's not the one complaining, it was the e-mailer who was complaining.
Fred found Mike Morse's song parody about Richard Christy and played that. Howard liked it and told Fred to add it to the list to play on the show.
Howard had a new prank call that Crackhead Bob made to a cab company. Bob tried to get a cab to take him on a trip but the guy couldn't understand what he was saying. He would hang up on Bob each time and called him an asshole at least one time. Bob would say where he wanted to go and where he was but the guy couldn't figure out where he was located.
Howard said that's Bob's life. He had another clip where Blue Iris calls the cab company as his mother and tries to help him out. She offered to suck the guy's cock since she didn't have any money. The guy said that he would rather stick his cock in a meat grinder and hung up on her.
Rev. Bob Levy called in to tell a story about Mike banging a fat chick. He said that this fat chick must have come up to him and told him that he was good on stage. Bob was in the bar later on and saw Mike come in and he thought he was pulling a car into the room. He said she had to have been 300 pounds. Mike said it was either that or go back to his room and jerk off... or carry Bob back up to his room. Howard gave Bob a plug for the Miserable Men Show (Tonight at 7pm on Howard 101) and let him go.
Howard read some mail about the Bob Saget interview from last week. He read through those and also read one about Artie opening up on the show. They saw the episode on Howard TV where Artie ended up crying. Howard asked Artie if he saw it. Artie said he doesn't have Howard TV. Howard said he was watching it and watched the 9/11 episode which got him all riled up again.
A caller told Howard that he was watching Howard TV and saw Artie's movie premiere show. He said he loves Artie on the show but he didn't look happy doing the spots for the In Demand guys. Artie said he's tired by the time they get around to those things so he is miserable. Howard had to go to break after that.
After going through a couple of stories Howard took a call from a guy who told him he was being too hard on Mel Gibson. Howard said he thinks the guy is an asshole because he did that interview with Diane Sawyer and didn't just come out and admit that he hates the Jews. Howard said he doesn't care if the guy hates the Jews, he just thinks he's a pussy for not coming right out and admitting it.
Howard took another call from a guy who was looking for another ticket to Artie's Carnegie Hall show. Artie had given him one a while back but he wanted two and thought that since Sal and Richard were being such dicks today, maybe he should teach them a lesson and take away one of their tickets. Artie let out a sigh and asked if he had the guy's phone number but Howard had already hung up on him.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:55am after giving Mike Morse another plug.
Howard started off the show saying that he was looking at a picture of Gary at Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward's house from last night. Gary was at some fund raiser that they were hosting. Gary said that they had no idea who he was though because he didn't bother telling them that he was from the Stern Show. Gary said that they live in the same congressional district and they support the same guy.
Gary said that his friend had donated some money and got them into this event he went to. Gary said he spoke to Newman and Woodward about their Oscars. They've also won some Emmy Awards and they have them displayed in a bookcase.
Gary said he met Paul first when he walked into a room that was empty other than Paul himself. He said there wasn't all that much security there. He talked to Newman about his flying with balloons on Letterman's show and he was probably wondering why he was asking about that. Howard wondered if he told him he worked for a show where they're planning to fly a midget with balloons. Gary said that didn't come up.
Gary told Howard about some of the movies that Newman has been nominated for Oscars for. Howard said he thought that guy would be one of those guys who doesn't care about winning Oscars and wouldn't display them in his house. They spent a few more minutes talking about the movies that he won the awards for. Gary said they were actually in a barn off the house that they were hanging out in. They weren't in the main house.
Gary said that Newman has a lot of race car stuff in his barn and he was checking out the pictures he had hanging up and there was one pictures signed from Mario Andretti. He felt really out of place there because the other people there sounded much smarter than him. He said they were older and seemed to know more about politics than he'd ever know.
Gary said that Jon Hein handed him a note about how many movies Paul has actually been nominated for and it was 9 movies. Gary also talked about how nice Joanne Woodward was at the party. Howard said that Newman seems to be really cool because he donates money from his food sales to charities.
Gary said his son thought that it was cool that he was at the guy's house whose picture is on the salsa jar they have at home. He said his son doesn't know much about Newman other than his face on food products.
Artie told Gary ''cheer up you retard'' but that just pissed Gary off. Gary told Howard that his agent hasn't been doing much for him lately and he's not sure if he still has one. He doesn't have his phone number so he's unable to get in touch with him. Artie told Gary to go get some retarded Zoloft if he's depressed. Gary was telling Artie to shut up but Artie kept up with the retard comments.
Howard played a call that Gary the Retard and Daniel Carver had about Mel Gibson's comments about the Jews. Gary had no idea what Howard was talking about and didn't seem to remember that conversation. In the call Gary and Daniel spent a short time talking about the Jews as well. Carver says that Howard isn't a real Jew and he only says that to get away with some of the stuff he says on the show. Gary also threw in the N-word a couple of times.
Howard got in a plug for next week's free SIRIUS days and said that he may have to bring Gary the Retard in for those two days. He said that Scott Greenstein was telling him to have some big guests in those days so maybe Gary should be there. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said that Gary isn't depressed, he's just a little sad that he doesn't have his agent now. Gary doesn't know what real depression is.
Howard told the guys that Beth did an interview with Carmen Electra and some other stuff this week. He said she wasn't even working for them last night but she was at that premiere. He had a clip of Beth interviewing Carmen Electra about her break up with Dave Navarro and how she thinks that the two of them have handled their break-up. Howard said she was doing that to get Carmen to talk about her relationship. Carmen said she's not looking for a man but she's open to meeting people. They cut the answer off in the promo clip he had so you have to tune in to hear the rest of it.
Artie talked about seeing Carmen doing an interview on that Later show with some guest host. He said that the host asked her what the one thing is that she can't live without. He said Carmen sat there for about 30 seconds and then said ''Food.'' Artie said the host almost laughed in her face until she realized that Carmen was serious. Artie said it was one of the greatest moments on late night TV he's ever seen.
Howard played a little more of the Carmen and Beth interview and said that he's showered with both of them. Artie asked Howard if he's banged both of them. Howard said that was a good question but then said that he didn't bang Carmen at all. He joked that she had given him oral three times and that's why he didn't bang her. He said it just didn't happen that day.
Artie had to tell Richard that he thinks that he's very talented and he was just having some fun goofing around that day. Howard came out of the clip and said that Artie hit it right on the head when he told Richard that he's not that great of a comic, he's just doing it to have some fun and make some money. He shouldn't be looking up to him as his ''comedy father'' like he seems to be doing. Artie was also telling Richard that he's very far ahead in his stand-up career compared to where he was at the same time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the replays of the shows are great because he works overnights as a cop in Woodbridge. He said he was trying to listen to Whoopi Goldberg's show on his way home this morning and that show is awful. He listens to that on his way home and saves Howard's show for when he's at work.
Howard said that he listens to the show when he's driving around in the car after the show and he thinks that this guy could listen to the show twice a day and still get laughs.
Robin said that she read that Whoopi is being called the female David Lee Roth on radio. That wasn't a compliment and she may be failing just as bad as Roth did earlier this year. Howard went on to talk about terrestrial radio and how bad things have gotten there. He said that there's a Hispanic station that's number one in New York City now.
The caller asked Howard what the deal is with the penny preview of Howard TV. Howard told him he thinks that it's a 2 hour show that previews what they've been up to for the past 10 months. He said the free SIRIUS thing is coming up next week as well and some people think that's a great idea to get people interested in the service.
The caller asked Howard about playing a game but Howard said he had way too many question and ended up letting him go. Gary came in and told Howard about how bad their old Chicago station is doing since they left. Howard read the article and found that the whole station has been dragged down since Howard left. Even the Steve Dahl show has dropped down quite a bit since then.
Howard said that Steve Dahl bad mouthed him after he left and now he thinks that shows how bad the guy is. He said he almost hired Steve's son to do a show on his channel to dick with him. He said he was holding Steve's ratings up while he was on that station and the guy should be a little nicer to him. He said he doesn't even know the guy that well so he can't bad mouth him. Robin said that guy has loved and hated Howard on and off for a long time so there's no telling what his real feelings are.
Howard said his goal now is to bring more people to satellite radio. He said they're up to 5.1 million people and it will keep growing and growing. He predicts that there will be 30 million people listening to satellite radio by 2010. Robin said that's too late so Howard changed it to next Tuesday... or tomorrow.
Richard said that he gets nothing out of the contest if he has to make up with Bubba. Richard said he did say he would do it but he's thought about it since then and now he doesn't want to do it. He said that's way brutal and there's no reason for him to make out with Bubba. He suggested that they have him make out with a gay guy. Howard suggested Siobhan and Richard thought that was good.
Howard told Richard to go back to his office and just think about how he has to go through with this. Richard wanted to be able to feel Robin up while Bubba makes out with her if he wins the race. Robin told him to get out of his life and then offered to give him some money instead. Richard said he'd take that.
The race hasn't been finalized yet so they don't know how many laps it will be or even where it will be held. Robin said that she's got more training to do down in Florida. She said that Bubba is hooking her up with someone down there in Lakeland.
Robin got back to the story about how the other race car drive knew about her race. Howard talked about how great it has been there at SIRIUS and how awful it was back at terrestrial radio. He said they're building a whole new life there at satellite radio and it seems to be working out very well so far. He said he could have done another 5 years there at terrestrial and stayed number one but he wanted to do something new. He managed to survive through all of the FCC fines and stuff like that.
Howard said Walt Sabo told him that he walked through the back office yesterday and said that it was like a little comedy factory with everyone working.
Janks asked Howard if he will throw a funeral for XM once SIRIUS beats them with the number of subscribers. Howard said he will absolutely do that. They talked about how many people they could burn in effigy at an event like that. Opie and Anthony, Oprah and more. Howard talked about Oprah for a short time and how whenever she does things like sign on with XM, it's a complete rip off. She does a half hour a week herself and gives the rest of her channel to her friends that no one cares about. He said that they paid Oprah $50 million to do that.
Howard said he would never take money for a project that he knew would piss his fans off. He said he wouldn't want to be associated with a project that was bogus like that Oprah deal is.
Howard said that the deal with Paramount putting out a 10th anniversary DVD was one of those projects that he didn't want to be involved with. He said he didn't want to put something out that his fans have already paid for. He got a lot of e-mail feedback about the deal after he mentioned it yesterday. He read some of the mail and the fans really want the DVD to be released. He said he may have to go back and think about it again but he believes it's time to move forward and not screw around with something like that.
Robin said it would be great to see some of the scenes from the movie that were cut out. She said the scenes of Howard coming out of the bathtub multiple times with his underwear being covered up would be funny. Howard said that it would require a lot of work to put together something like that and he's not sure that they'd let him do it the right way.
Howard said he wanted Paramount to do it right the first time but they didn't want to do it back then. He said that he even wanted to buy the rights to the movie so he could put it out on DVD himself. They didn't want to sell it to him though. They just released the movie as it was with no extras.
Ronnie said he blew one of his out in the garage bathroom one day. He brought it into the studio and it looked like a pistachio nut. He said he blew that one out and it didn't come all the way out so he had to pull it out. He said he laid in the back of the limo like a baby after that because he felt like he had just given birth.
Ronnie said he didn't know what the pain was when he got it. He said he went to the hospital and got shot up with demerol and that didn't even make it go away. He said that they eventually put him on an IV of demerol and that made the pain go away but he was picking dust off the ceiling because he was so screwed up.
Artie said that they should have drugs like that on airplanes because people wouldn't care if they were about to crash. Gary came in and said that he had one kidney stone, not many like Ronnie was talking about. Gary said he went to the hospital at 1 in the morning because he was in so much pain. He had to pee in a strainer to see what he was passing but it turned out that it was so small that it didn't get stuck in the strainer... So the pain from that couldn't have been as bad as what Ronnie went through.
Ronnie said that if you can't pass that thing, they have to go in and pull it out. Ronnie said that there's a possibility that they can damage your penis when they do that. Artie said he once had a catheter put in but he was on drugs at the time. He said that even that didn't make the pain go away though because he could feel that thing going in.
Howard said he knew a guy who was passing stones like once a week and he felt really bad for him. Gary said that he was debilitated by the pain of this tiny stone he was passing. Bobo said that he has to last through Thursday because he's not going in until then. Bobo said he drinks a lot of tea and that can cause them.
Bobo said that he's 53 years old and has a young child now. He's got a son that's 28 and one that's just an infant. Howard said he can't imagine going through that kind of crap again. He said poor Bobo has the kid and kidney stones which is awful.
Gary wanted to tell another story about a catheter but Howard didn't want to hear it. Howard asked Fred to play Dan the Song Parody Man's latest song parody about Gary. Fred played it and Gary said he loves it. Howard said that Dan just sent it to him this morning. It was to the tune of Cream's ''I Feel Free.''
Howard told Fred to play another new one he got. It was to the tune of a Led Zeppelin song, ''Babe I'm Gonna Leave You.'' Howard said he'd like to get the real Robert Plant to perform that song for them. Howard said he stares at Gary the whole time the song is playing. Gary said that's another one of his favorite songs so he likes the Baba Booey versions.
Howard said it would be great to have a whole concert of people performing their Baba Booey song parodies. They're actually going to have a small one happen at the Gary Roast next week. Artie said that everyone should have to go through a roast because you learn a lot about yourself. Gary said that Sal has come to him and run some jokes past him. He's had to tell Sal not to use some of them because he might get killed if he used some of the jokes.
Artie said that he's told Sal not to use some jokes about Howard. Howard told Artie not to censor Sal because he wants to hear his inappropriate stuff. He wondered what joke Artie told him not to say. Bobo asked if he could get in on the roast but they were all booked up so he couldn't get in.
Howard played that clip and then played some other sports team managers getting pissed off during press conferences. He played one of Tommy Lasorda getting pissed at one guy and going off on him. Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a guy using clips of Tommy from that press conference. They had Tommy yelling at the guy on the phone and the guy had no idea what was going on.
Howard had another Tommy Lasorda clip where he went off on a reporter after he was asked what he thought of one of the player's performances. Tommy said he didn't mean to get mad but couldn't get over the fact that he was asked about it.
Howard had another clip of a manager going off on the fans who were booing his team while they were losing the game. He cursed the fans out and saying that they don't have jobs so that's why they were there at the game. Artie was laughing his ass off as they were listening to that clip. He thought it was funny when the guy said that 85 percent of the world works and the other 15 percent are at the games. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard was in the middle of a commercial so he had to wrap that up. He came back a short time later and got in a plug for Jackie the Joke Man's ''Jackie's Joke Hunt'' show that airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. He said that Jackie will be telling the story about how he got his 516-922-WINE joke line started and stuff like that.
Lisa G asked Howard why he doesn't visit the Howard 100 News team. He told her that he doesn't visit anyone and he doesn't want to visit them there. He knows they're doing a good job and he doesn't need to go over there. He said that he thinks that people there are interchangeable.
Lisa G said that tomorrow is the day for Artie and Blue Iris to do their big kiss. Artie wasn't aware of that so it was a big surprise for him. Howard told Artie he should just put his penis inside of her and surprise everyone. Shuli will be looking into that a little more for the news. Chris Kanyon will be coming in to see it happen since he was the one who made the bet with Artie.
Sal came in and asked if they could have Artie's mother and sister come in to witness his make out. Howard told Sal not to use the bathroom there in the offices anymore and then offered Artie the chance to forget about Blue Iris and make out with his mother instead. Artie passed and took Blue Iris.
Lisa G said they'll be talking about Riley Martin's return to Howard 101 in one news report today. Howard did his Riley impression a little bit and played some of the song parodies they've created using his audio clips. After that Howard asked Lisa if it was true that she has a new web site (LisaG.com). She said it's new and improved and she's got a blog going now as well. Howard checked out some of that and found out that she worked with a Stern Fan who helped her create what's there.
Howard asked Lisa why she has a web site, he's not sure why she would need one. Lisa said that it's a good way to keep in touch with the fans. She said she used to get millions of hits even before she started there. She was telling Howard to check out some parts of her site but it had crashed by that point.
Lisa said that she does some entertainment marketing work as well so that's another reason for her web site. Howard let her go a short time later. He congratulated her on the new site before moving on.
Howard said that Mark warned them that they might go nuts when they hear the stuff he has to say about them and he wanted them to sign releases before he would come on the air. Howard said that they'd probably be proud of being a narcissist if it came out like that.
Howard told Mark to forget about the explanation and just tell them who the biggest narcissist is. Mark told Howard that it's Robin. She had a score of 34 on his test that they sent to them. He said that the average is 15 or so. Mark said that the average for celebrities is about 17.8 and for female celebrities it's around 19. Mark said that the test is broken down into a bunch of components to figure out where they stand. He said that she scores an 8 out of 8 as far as authority and high scores in other sections where they test people about their superiority and other things.
Mark said that it doesn't mean that Robin is a bad person. He said that being in a relationship with her might be kind of shaky though.
Mark gave a rundown of what the other scores were with the people on the show. Here's how they ranked...
Ralph called in and said that what makes it worse for Robin is that the questions were very obviously leading her to where she ended up. He said that some of the questions were like ''Do you think that the world would be a better place if you ruled it.'' Robin said that she didn't answer that with a 'yes.'
Fred was reading the definition of narcissist and a lot of the stuff in the definition related to Robin. She was very upset that she had won that spot on the show. The definition said that a narcissist is someone who envy's other people's positions so that was about right with her reaction to coming out in first place and complaining about it.
Howard said that it sounded like the professor was going to fall off his chair when he read Robin's results. Howard joked that God only scored a 28 on that test. Ralph was laughing at her and Howard said that he loves her but she does exhibit some narcissistic tendencies. He said that they're going to be replaying one of the old shows on Master Tape Theatre where Robin went off on him for not getting her a good enough birthday gift. He said he was listening to the tape himself and yelling at the radio as if he had gone back to that moment. He said that's going to make for a great Master Tape Theatre.
Howard said he thinks that he's a much better person thanks to his 9 years of therapy. He said he's way happier thanks to that therapy.
Robin read some of the questions that was on the test that they filled out for the narcissist segment. Howard gave her answers that she didn't think were honest. Howard said that was the way he felt about them and that's how he answered.
Robin said she thinks that they took her test and answered it for her. Howard took a call from a guy who asked what all of this means. Howard said it just means that Robin is disconnected and doesn't care about anyone else. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this isn't a bad thing because she doesn't have any kids so thinking about herself isn't all that bad.
Mariann got in a plug for an appearance she's making at 90 Fulton Street where she will be promoting his show. Howard took another call after that from a guy who asked Artie if he would get a hand job from Blue Iris. Artie said he might fist her instead.
The caller asked Howard about his 9 years of therapy and if that could possibly be true. Howard said he started it after his movie and before his divorce so it was about 9 years ago. He's going 3 days a week which is down from 4 days. He said it's tough to talk about himself so much but that's what he has to do. The caller figures Howard has set the guy up for retirement after going that long. Howard said the guy is very successful and he's doing fine without him.
The caller figures that Howard thinks of himself as the best radio guy out there but Howard insists that he doesn't really feel that way. He's happy that people do respond to his show and like it. He also said that now that he gets to listen to the replays of the show the rest of the day, he does see his greatness.
Another caller told Howard he feels bad for Howard having to work with such a big narcissist. He also said that the Master Tape Theatre thing is the greatest thing they've brought to SIRIUS since they moved there. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to talk about what a load Katie Couric is. He said that she was interviewing someone on the news last night and talking about how she couldn't imagine Bob Dylan songs being covered by anyone but Bob Dylan. Artie laughed and said that Dylan is the most covered artist out there. Howard went on to talk about how Katie Couric is kind of working out okay for CBS because she has raised their ratings a bit. They're not as low in the ratings as they were before she came on so it will work out for them in the long run.
The caller was talking about all of the lame stuff they do on the news these days to try and make it more entertaining. Howard said that the evening news is antiquated and they have to do what they can to keep people interested. He said that people can get their news on the web if they want, they don't have to sit around waiting for the evening news to come on. Every evening news report is the same, they take breaks at the same time, they cover the same stuff and it's just not good.
Howard said that they would have to reinvent the whole format to make it something new. They would have to hire someone like Howard to do it to make it different.
Howard said that terrestrial radio is at it's end and he's not just being dramatic there. He said that FM and satellite are like the difference between AM and FM. He said that no one on terrestrial can say a fucking thing anymore because they're so afraid of being fined. He said it's all bullshit and edited because they're treating people like children.
Howard said they're talking about this High Definition radio where stations will be able to broadcast multiple stations through one frequency but they don't even have the ability to program just one station. Melrose got off the phone after telling Howard how much he loves him. Howard said that he's such an ass kiss...
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered why he was trying to sell them satellite radio because they already have it. Howard said he wasn't trying to sell it to him, he was just talking about how great it is that they're working at a place that is so ground breaking. He said he remembers back in the day when people moved from AM radio stations to FM stations and what a big deal that was.
The caller told Howard he was just busting his balls so he can calm down. He also asked Howard what he would be willing to do if they do reach their 6 million subscribers by the end of the year. Robin was pretty sure they never agreed to do anything.
Artie's fly was open and Howard told him his cock was sticking out. Artie said that he has 3 pairs of pants that fit him and they're all dirty so he wore these things today. He said the Mexican chick is coming over to clean his clothes today.
Artie was trying to figure out how to close up his fly. Robin told him he looks insane today. Ralph called in and asked them to take pictures of Artie in his pajamas and put it up on the web site. Ralph said that he may not leave his house but at least he puts on his pants.
Jason came in to take some pictures of Artie's pajama bottoms. Ralph asked him how many pair of pants he has. Artie said he's got 2 pair of jeans that fit and one set of cargo pants. He told Ralph that maybe he could go shopping for him and pick out some more stuff. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he had to get to Chris Kattan because he wanted to help out his girlfriend in some online thing. Howard mentioned this contest they have going on where they're asking fans to send in some funny porn clips that they find in various movies. He said the $5,000 in money for the winner is courtesy of the web site Clips4Sale.com. He played a clip that he found to be pretty funny and entertaining.
Howard played an audio clip from The Orange Bowl where a riot broke out and one of the hosts on the show was talking about how some people deserved to get their behind's kicked. That guy ended up getting fired over his comments.
Ronnie came in and said that Sal has been defying Howard's rules for a long time now and it's got to stop. Howard told him he's not to use the bathroom for any reason out in the office area. The bathroom is right outside of the Howard TV guys and they have to put up with the stink when someone shits in there. They've apparently complained about Robin but Robin said she's never crapped in there, she's only peed. Artie said he's only taken one shit in that bathroom but he got very comfortable when he did.
Gary said that he lets celebrities shit in there if they have to go. Sam Simon is one of those guys. Sam was there and Howard didn't even know it so he asked him to come in and sit down. He told Sam that he's very excited about the Bitter Half Show that will be played for the first time next Wednesday, October 25th.
Howard noticed that Sam had a black eye. Sam said he got bumped in the eye by his dog. Howard said it looked like Sam had lost some weight. Sam asked Artie not to kill himself before The Bitter Half airs. He said that would screw things up. Howard let Sam go so he could talk to Chris Kattan.
Chris' girlfriend Sunshine Tutt is in the final four of this FHM magazine hottest chick contest and he needs the fans to go and vote for her. Howard showed the guys some pictures of her and talked about how hot she was.
Howard said that Beth is supposed to be in FHM next month and she has no problem showing her ass to the photographers. He said that she won't show him her ass but she'll pose for pictures no problem.
Howard told Chris that they had Andy Dick on the show the other day and he's still got a hard on about him. He said he had to play this song that Andy sang about Chris on the show back when they were on K-Rock. Chris didn't want to hear it but Howard played it anyway.
Howard said he thought it was funny that Andy was so mad at Chris. Chris said that Andy sang about him having sisters but he doesn't have any. He also doesn't wear a toupee like he sang in his song.
Chris changed subjects and told a story about going to Cabo for a bachelor party down there. He said he ran into Chris O'Donnell at the airport and he was wondering what had happened to him since he was in Batman. He said hello to the guy like all celebrities do. O'Donnell's wife sat next to him on the flight while Chris sat about 2 rows in front of him. He said he fell asleep and when he woke up a couple of hours later he noticed that O'Donnell was staring at him. Then he looked over and saw his wife turned away trying to eat a salad. Then he noticed that he had an erection. He said he doesn't know how long he had it.
Chris said that O'Donnell wouldn't talk to him after they got off the flight. Artie said that Chris O'Donnell and his wife are really nice but his wife is very proper and upscale so that makes the story even funnier. He said that Chris sitting there with a hard on is great.
Ralph called in and said that Chris' girlfriend isn't as hot as one of the other chicks on the FHM web site. Howard told Ralph that he's a guest on the show and they have to give her the votes.
Joey Boots called in and said that Chris isn't supporting the show at all, he's just using the show. He went off on the guy and said that he's got no business calling into the show and complaining that he was waiting on the phone for 8 years. Joey said that he would let him off the hook if he put Sunshine on the phone and gave him phone sex.
Sunshine got on the line after Chris asked her to. Joey asked her what she could do for him and asked her what she was wearing. She said she was wearing baby blue panties... She said this was too early in the morning for her. Joey told her that if she wants the votes, she's got to do this for them. She didn't want to go through with this whole thing. Chris got back on the phone and said that she might just give them a little orgasm sound.
Boots said that he was actually touching himself and people could see him at BootsTracker.com if they wanted to see it. Joey was asking her to tell him what she would do to his balls. She didn't want anything to do with his balls. Chris got back on again and said he was sorry about that. Howard wrapped up with him after that and gave Sunshine another plug and let Chris go.
Howard had a prank call that Benjy made to this reporter Lynn Stewart who was possibly going away for 30 years for something she had done. Benjy told her that he followed her case and knows she's overweight but he'd like to lick her pussy. Lynn laughed her ass off after hearing that and seemed to take it pretty well. She said that helped break the tension.
Howard heard that JD was offering to open Artie's mail for $200 a week. Artie said that the guy is much more involved than that in his stuff.
Riley said that they're doing some video shooting over there at his house for a Howard TV special. Gary came in and said that Riley claims he doesn't drink but the guys who were over there saw that he had empty cases of beer all over the house.
Riley thinks that his show is helping to make the SIRIUS stock rise up by bringing his show back to the service. Riley still seems to have a problem with the amount of money he's being paid. He always complains about how Howard is making $550 million while he's not making enough to pay a guy to clean his windshield. Howard asked him why he was complaining and why he came back if he's not happy. Riley claims he wasn't complaining, he was just pointing out the facts.
Howard had Richie Wilson from Howard TV on the phone. Richie said that Riley was hugging him outside of his house yesterday telling him he loves him. Riley seemed to be a little upset about that and called Richie a motherfucker. Richie said that Riley was telling his wife to ''Get him a brewsky'' but Riley said he didn't do it all that many times.
Riley said that what Richie has done is besmirch his house after he tried to show him some love. He was giving them a lot of ''Uhhh'' as he was telling them what he thinks. Gary came in and said that Riley met his wife through the show somehow and she's pretty hot according to Richie.
Gary asked Riley how he met his wife. Riley said that his women do not age once he has touched them. He wouldn't answer how he met his wife though. Richie said that Riley was really loaded when he was hugging him and he was trying to get some help from Jim McClure but Jim just picked up the camera and started shooting him getting dry humped.
Jim came in and told Howard that Riley's wife is really hot but she's also really into Riley. He said that she was drawn to him from the day she heard him on the show back in 1996. She tracked him down and now she's his wife. Howard said Riley never told him that he met her through his show. Riley told Howard that he's met her before and he was just too busy to realize it.
Fred played some of the Riley Martin song parodies that Dan the Song Parody Man has created. Howard asked Riley if his wife believes in all of this stuff that he talks about. Riley said that if Howard could read, he would know that this stuff is true as well.
Jim told Howard that one of the guys noticed that there was a picture of Riley's wife in a modeling picture. She used to be a model which surprised some of the guys. Riley was upset with Richie for talking about all of this stuff the way they were. He was upset that they were talking about him being a drunk and stuff like that. Howard said that they were just saying he had a few drinks and that was it. They weren't calling him a drunk.
Riley was also upset with Richie talking about how he hugged him too close. Jim said it really was a little too close. Riley thought Richie was saying that it appeared that he was trying to fuck him. He said he will never show him love again if that's the case. Riley told everyone that they were all quite reprehensible and this is all fun but, nonetheless, he said that they weren't going to be saved when the mother ship comes to take them.
Howard had someone playing clips of Crazy Alice trying to create something between Riley and Alice but Riley wasn't falling for it. He ignored the Crazy Alice audio clips and went off on Howard for that. Howard asked him to do a great couple of shows for them on the 25th and 26th when they have the free preview going on.
Riley was still upset that those guys came over to his house and disrespected him by coming on the air and saying what they said. Howard told Riley that he's glad to have him back with them and wanted to let him go. Riley said that ''Richie Rich'' broke his fucking heart by talking about him the way he was. Howard said that Richie was just saying that he hugged him a little too close. Howard let Riley go after that and went to commercial break.
Artie came in, with his pajama bottoms on, and said he was up late last night. He said Sam was looking at him telling him he's a mess. He said that when he starts not wearing clothes, that's trouble. Artie said he also heard from Teddy who was upset about him revealing his salary. He said people were giving him shit back there about how much he's making.
Howard spent a short time talking about this Madonna thing that's in the news. He said that she's trying to adopt this kid from Malawi and everyone is giving her a hard time about it. The kid just hit the lottery and they should leave them alone. The kid is really cute according to the guys. Howard said that the kid was stuck in an orphanage and Madonna came in and swooped him away to a great life.
Howard said that the kid's face is really cute and Lourdes had better watch her ass because he's going to end up with some of the Madonna inheritance. He read an article about the adoption and how upset people are down there in the African country.
Howard read that the kid left the country with 3 bodyguards and a nanny... in a private plane. Artie said that he'll probably end up dating Suri Cruise in 19 years or so. Artie said he'd like to be adopted by Madonna at the age of 39.
Howard said this kid's life is going to be amazing and these child advocacy groups are out of their minds. He read that the father of the child doesn't mind as long as the kid receives a good education and visits him. That all led to Howard playing a prank call that Evil David Letterman made to an adoption agency. He was asking about a light skinned black child and wondered if they're less rambunctious than the darker ones. He also asked if he would be insured just in case things go missing from his house and if they play basketball yet.
Howard said that President Bush is saying that if the North Koreans set off another nuclear test, there going to be sorry. Howard said that we don't have any credibility anymore since the whole Iraq thing. He and Robin spent some time on that before Steve and Jon came in with their show updates.
Steve got to his Howard 100 News preview and brought up a story they have about the free preview of the show they're going to have next week. You can find out more about that at SIRIUS.com/Howard.
Steve also said that they'll be talking about Artie and Blue Iris having to make out on the show tomorrow. Artie wondered if he could get his assistant to make out with her instead. Howard told Artie he's stuck with it and he's not sure why he made this bet to begin with. Artie wasn't sure why he did that but he was trying to help out Chris Kanyon who wanted to come back on the show.
Artie said that he might just down two shots of booze before he has to kiss her. He said two shots will get him wasted enough to fuck anything. Artie blamed the Yankees for all of this because the bet was between the Mets and Yankees. He said it was very aggravating to him that the Yankees lost in the first round. He gets more and more pissed off the more he thinks about that. Artie wasn't willing to give up on the Yankees and become a Mets fan to avoid kissing Blue Iris.
Steve said that they'll be doing a report about the visit they made to Riley Martin's home yesterday. Steve said that he's got a shrunken alien head on his front porch. He also mentioned that Beth Ostrosky is making a film starring Bianca (the dog) for the North Shore Animal League DogCatemy Awards. Artie suggested that she do a ''Pretty Woman'' remake with Steve Langford as Richard Gere's character. Howard said he'd like to see Artie and Blue Iris do a ''Pretty Woman'' remake with Artie as Richard Gere.
Steve got in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt which is on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm. Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking to Robin about her 34 score in the Narcissist thing. They'll also be talking about Chris Kattan's call to the show and stuff like that.
Ralph called in and asked Artie why he cares so much about the Yankees because if they didn't serve hot dogs there, he wouldn't even go. Artie said he's a big Yankee fan and that's what he likes to do. He also said that he likes to leave the house once in a while. Ralph said that everything Artie does is about eating. Howard said that's true because he's always eating in the studio as well.
A caller told Howard that this whole show is great because they have Robin with a 34 score in his narcissist test and Artie running around with pajama bottoms on. Howard reminded the guy that there are pictures of Artie in his pajamas up on HowardStern.com. He let the guy go and had Robin start her news after that.
Howard took a call during the news from a guy who suggested that they let Artie get a Red Sox tattoo on the air instead of kissing Blue Iris. Artie said that he loves the people up in Boston but he would have to pass on the tattoo and make out with Blue Iris. Artie didn't like the idea of a tattoo because it lasts forever. The caller also told Artie that Hep C lasts forever as well. Artie said he had a good point there but they'll be looking over Blue's tests tomorrow when she comes in.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he called in a few months ago and offered to help Artie get the web site ArtieLange.com for him since he's using Artie-Lange.com. He said he hasn't heard from Artie since then. Artie said he's not even wearing pants today. He said he'd have his assistant Teddy get in touch with him.
Captain Janks called in and said that he tried pranking Whoopi Goldberg's show this morning but he only got her off the air. He asked her if she likes Howard Stern's balls and she went off on him and then hung up. He said she called him back a short time later and told him that she was going to kick his ''honkey ass'' over that. He seemed to find it funny that she called him a honkey.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show talking about how he stayed up to watch ''Dancing with the Stars'' and this morning he's kind of cranky from staying up so late. Robin told Howard there was a baseball game on. Artie was up watching that game and talked about that for a short time. He said there was one guy, who used to suck when he was on the Yankees, who was doing really well during the game. He said that really pisses him off too.
Artie said that the Mets have a lot of likeable guys on the team but he can't be a fan. He said he thinks that they could sweep the next two games but the Cardinals will be right there. He said the game ran really late last night and he's not sure how kids can stay up and watch that stuff.
Howard talked about ''Dancing with the Stars'' and how that ran for 90 minutes last night. He said that everyone on that show is pretty much a has been. He said that Jerry Springer is just about the only one who is a real star. He said that Joey Lawrence isn't a celebrity anymore and neither is Mario Lopez. Artie said that Emmett Smith is a star in the world of sports. Howard agreed with that. He said he knew who he was before he watched the TV show.
Howard seems to think that Jerry Springer keeps winning because he's got so many fans watching his TV show. The football players and country stars also do well because of their fans.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he watched the new TV show ''Heroes.'' Howard said he really likes that show. He spent a short time talking about that.
JD came in and told Howard about some of the other people on Dancing with the Stars and what shows they're from. Howard said that he watched The Bachelor last night since he had recorded it. He said the show is awful but he's still watching it. Beth fell asleep during Dancing with the Stars.
Howard said Beth seems to be working for that TV show Extra now. She's doing an interview today for them with Tina Fey. Artie said that he hasn't seen that show yet but Alec Baldwin looks hilarious in the clips he's seen. Howard asked Gary if Tina Fey was coming in or not. Gary said they put in a request for her to come in but haven't heard back yet. Fred played one of the newer Baba Booey song parodies and had Howard laughing a little bit.
Howard said that Extra is calling Beth a special correspondent but she seems to be working with them every day. He said she's got a bunch of interviews coming up.
Howard said a lot of weird stuff goes on around that place. He said that Sal almost mooned Congressman Serrano yesterday. He also talked about how Richard and Sal won't listen to the rules about not using the bathroom there in the offices. He said that Richard used it yesterday after they talked to Sal about not using it. Richard said that it was empty at the time so he didn't get the point.
Gary said that Congressman Serrano was there with another congressman yesterday during the Wrap Up Show yesterday when Artie offered Sal $1000 to ''press ham'' on the studio window to the two Congressmen. Everyone yelled at Sal to stop before it happened. Howard said he would have fired Sal if he had mooned the guy. Artie took some of the blame for his $1000 offer but Howard said that Sal should have know better.
Howard said that guy is not someone you mess with. He said that guy is on their side and is trying to get the FCC to keep their hands off of satellite radio so they don't need him mooning anyone.
Gary also talked about how Sal seems to think that he's on a power trip by keeping him from using the bathroom there in the office area. He was getting all pissed off at him during the Wrap Up Show and even after the show was done. Robin said that Sal was asking Gary if he could even use the elevator when they were leaving yesterday.
Howard said that Robin got into it with JD during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played some audio from the show where JD and Robin talked about how they don't get along that well these days. JD said that Robin is still upset with him about the comments he made about her Film Festival entry.
Howard said that Sal got some audio of Robin and JD fighting off the air as well. He ran an audio recorder to catch them fighting more after the Wrap Up Show. Robin said she told him that he couldn't tape but he obviously didn't listen. Howard listened to the clip and talked about how crazy that stuff has gotten.
Howard brought up how Artie will be making out with Blue Iris today. Artie said he's looking at it as if he's getting some action today so it's trying to put a good spin on it. Howard played a song parody that Billy Mira did as David Lee Roth singing about Blue Iris called ''I Wanna Bang Grandma.'' Howard also played a Blue Iris prank call that the guys made a while back. They used clips of Blue to call someone who had a heavy southern accent. That person threatened to shoot Blue or chop her head off with a machete.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Artie to ''pucker up bitch!'' He asked when they're going to do the Blue Iris thing. Howard said it should be around 8:30. Jeff said that he's going to call in tomorrow to let them know where he'll be tailgating in Syracuse. Howard thanked him for that and for slowing down his show with that information.
Howard took a call from John Boy who asked about the germ phobia with Blue Iris because she's had so many black cocks going through her mouth. He said he'd rather fuck her than make out with her. Howard said he and Artie talked about that as well. Artie said he's not worried about ''black cock'' it's the cock in general that he's worried about. He said that this guy must be racist.
Someone was upset about them goofing on Buffalo, New York during the show yesterday. Howard said they weren't goofing on them, they were just talking about how cheap the homes are up there.
Howard read some feedback about Artie's breakdown on Howard TV. Artie hasn't been able to watch that stuff because he can't figure out his TV and how to get that stuff on. Robin told him he's like a 60 year old man with that stuff.
Howard read through some mail about Riley Martin. People seem to love him and want him back on the air as soon as possible. One person wrote in about Lisa G's web site and how hot she looks on there. Someone wrote in and said that the don't believe the Narcissist test results because Howard should have come out on top of the list. Other people thought the results were correct and that he just puts on an act making it seem like he's a narcissist when he's really not.
Howard took a call from a guy how asked for a prize but he didn't have any to give away this morning. Howard mentioned that KC is going to call in this morning and talk about how he's willing to record himself banging Miss Howard Stern. Gary told Howard that he wrote it down wrong and they're going to be calling KC to see if he'd be willing to do that. KC didn't offer to do it. Howard went off on him a little bit pretending that it was okay that he'd screwed that up. Fred played a Baba Booey song parody as Sal was running in and putting signs over Gary's head that read ''Dope'' and things like that.
Howard said he was in his limo yesterday when he saw an ad on the side of a bus for one of the Spanish radio shows in the city. He said that he knows that it's just a couple of guys doing the Howard Stern Show in Spanish and getting away with cursing in Spanish. He did an impression of them cursing every other word. Artie said that he's heard that if you did a direct translation transcript it would be rated X. Howard said the FCC is a bunch of fucking assholes because they don't fine them for that stuff.
Howard said that it's racist that the FCC doesn't fine the Spanish speaking shows out there. He spent a couple of minutes doing his impression of them cursing in Spanish and getting away with it. Artie got in on that as well.
Howard read some mail about Artie not knowing the Yankees theme song lyrics while he does know the Mets. Howard played the song and then played a song that came out in the 50s about Mickey Mantle that was actually a hit.
Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who brought up Jerry Springer's daughter who is blind, deaf in one ear, partially deaf in the other and was born with no holes in the back of her nose.
They spent a minute on that before Melrose said that he thinks that Sal is looking to get himself fired from the show. He said he just does some insane things on there. He said he thinks that Sal is like him and has to do that kind of stuff because he's like a heroin addict. Howard ended up hanging up on Melrose in the middle of that discussion.
Another caller tried to explain why Robin being such a narcissist made sense but his explanation didn't work on Howard. He hung up on him and said he wasn't going to take any phone calls for a while because they were all so bad this morning.
Fred played another old baseball song about Joe DiMaggio. The song was a piece of shit according to Howard. He lasted a short time listening to that before bailing out.
A phone caller congratulated Robin on her 34 score in the narcissist thing yesterday. The guy also congratulated Artie on winning the World Series of Comedy thing on the Raw Dog comedy channel. The guy was also telling Howard that he went to buy a SIRIUS radio at a big chain and they kept trying to sell him an XM radio. He said he got so loud explaining to the snot nosed kid that he wanted to hear Howard Stern. They kicked him out of Best Buy so he went across the road to Circuit City and bought the radio there instead. He said the kid kept telling him there was no difference between XM and SIRIUS so he had to get out of there.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he knows that Chris Kanyon is coming in today and he wants to know what his thoughts are on this homosexual sex scandal that's going on in the WWE are. Howard had to bail out on his call as well because he was just going on and on and on. He told Robin he wasn't going to take anymore calls for a while.
Artie said he saw a story in the paper about Eddie Murphy dating Scary Spice and she's pregnant already. Howard said he doesn't know what's up with that guy and why he would knock someone up like that. Eddie already has like 5 kids and Scary Spice has at least one of her own already as well.
Artie said he was in Eddie Murphy's house ''Bubble Hill'' one time. He said his sister got picked out of a crowd in a dance club and gave her his card trying to give her a dancing job. Artie said she was actually in a couple of dance videos back then. He said he thinks the guy just wanted to fuck her but he told her to call him anyway. The guy told her that his studio was in Eddie Murphy's house and she could come up and check it out to see that it was legit.
Artie said he wanted to go with his sister but they didn't have a decent car to drive. Artie called a guy he knew who knew another guy with a Mercedes and drove up there. He said he got the cold shoulder and they kept him upstairs while his sister got to go down to check out the studio. He said he figured they wanted to put the moves on his sister but he wanted to stand by the top of the stairs.
Artie was checking out the house and saw a baby Grand piano next to an indoor pool. He saw some celebrity photos on the wall and things like that. Artie was only 19 years old at the time and thought all of that crap was cool as hell.
Artie said he remembered seeing a dance floor near the pool and completely forgot that his sister was downstairs. His sister came back up and they headed out of there. He said before they went over there he asked for directions to the place and one guy told him to make a right turn on this road and he'd see the house. It turns out his gate says ''Eddie'' on it with Bubble Hill written on each side of the gate. The guy was right, he couldn't miss it.
Artie said that the guy that his sister was dealing with got really creepy coming on to her so she gave up and stopped dealing with him. The guy was some music producer that worked over at Eddie's house, he's not even sure exactly who he was.
Artie said his sister is pretty hip but she didn't know that the guy just wanted to fuck her. Artie said it was cool as hell to be able to walk around Eddie's house for 20 minutes even though Eddie wasn't there. Howard said he tries to explain to Beth that guys just want to fuck her. He said she doesn't get that her male ''friends'' just hung out with her hoping to get laid. Howard said that guys just don't want to be friends with woman, they want to fuck them. He said he's never had female friends, he's hung out with chicks that he'd like to fuck.
Howard has tried to explain all of that to his daughters but they still think that guys want to be their friends. Artie said that his sister told him that there were some other girls in the studio when she was checking out that studio.
Howard took a call from a guy who calls himself King of all Spics. King wanted to explain to Howard some of the Spanish radio show stuff. He said they can get away with the cursing in Spanish because of the way they say it. The guy said he loves the show and said a few nice words to the guys on the show. He said that he wanted to call into Jackie's show to give him a joke but he thinks that he keeps the phone off the hook. The guy wanted to give it to Howard but he forgot the joke as he was about to tell it. He made a joke about Jackie but it wasn't funny so it was yet another bad phone call. Howard went to break right after that.
Lisa G said that Richard Christy did an interview with About.com and was asked if he would like to do a show of his own there at SIRIUS. Howard said he's not interested in Richard doing a show there and he doesn't want him hosting a show on Octane. He's got enough work to do there. Lisa wrapped up and wished Artie luck with Blue Iris.
Howard said that Wesley's tax preparer in Ohio has lost his license because of all of this. Howard went through the whole article and read some of the funnier parts of it. Robin said that he could do some serious time in jail over that.
Howard saw a picture of Sheryl Crowe in the paper on stage in a bikini with John Mayer. He said you don't expect that from her but she looks really good. He read another article about Madonna's adoption of a child from Malawi. He said that the writer was upset with Madonna not having to go through the full process for adoption. Howard said he thinks it's great because the kid is going to have a great life now. The author was also upset that Madonna had ''ripped the baby away from it's father.'' Howard said the kid was in an orphanage, not with his father.
The guys talked about how they've never seen such a campaign against someone who is trying to make a child's life better.
KC said he's got a girlfriend right now but he thinks he'd be able to do it because it would be for the show. He said he'd have one stipulation though, he'd have to be able to stick it in her pooper. Howard told him it's up to him how he does it. Howard told KC he just wants to hear those two banging and he doesn't have to come up with a scene or anything like that.
Howard told KC that JD did a porn star recently but he wouldn't record it for them. KC sounded happy that JD had finally gotten laid but he figured his load must have been huge. KC told the guys about a scene in the movie ''The Bad Lieutenant'' that was really funny that they should pull for the show.
Howard told KC that they'll call Miss Howard Stern and asked her if she's up for this. KC said he's afraid that he might slip and call her Eddie though.
Howard gave KC a plug for Amp'd Mobile because he's got a show on there. You can check that out at Get.Ampd.com. He's also looking for chicks to be Miss Beverly Hills Choppers and you can contact him at BookKC@aol.com. Gary told Howard that he's also selling computers. KC said that he's been modifying computers and making them better so that's what he does. He got in a plug for Son of a Gun Pasta Sauce as well as he was getting off the phone.
Howard said they had Big Foot Mark, Ralph and Uncle Luke (Luther Campbell) coming in to evaluate some girls for Playboy. He said that Artie kissing Blue Iris is also coming up a little later. He felt bad for Artie for having to do that. He went to break after that.
Big Foot Mark was also in so Howard spoke to him for a short time. He found out that Mark loves pussy and he will get it any way he can get it. He said he had a chick up in Vermont and she was fine. He said that she was about 45 years old and he kept her in wine coolers and stuff. He said that he's got about 9 inches and he gave it to her good. He said he gave it to her ''ass backwards'' and he will give it to women any way he can.
Howard didn't know what Mark was talking about with the ass backwards thing. They eventually figured out it was doggy style. Artie said that Big Foot has obviously killed someone. Big Foot said he's never killed anyone and he finds these women wherever he can. He's known this chick for a while and she came on to him after he blew some of that big money he won in the Wack Pack contest.
Gary said they found out that Big Foot has spent all of the $5,000 that he won and he called them looking for $60 to get back home from New York City. Big Foot doesn't even seem to care that he's gone through the five grand already.
Howard introduced Luther Campbell who is also known as Uncle Luke or Uncle Luke Skywalker. Luke told Howard that he's been told he's a pussyologist and he's only 3 steps away from a gynecologist. He said that the best way to fix up a pussy is to soak it in Epsom salts. He said that cleans it out and makes it smell good. Howard talked to him about the girls he used to have working for him and asked if he was a pimp. Luke said pimps take money from their girls while he doesn't do that.
Luke told Howard about what some of his girls used to do during their stage shows. He said that one girl would put a Barbie doll all the way up inside of her and pretend to have a baby on stage. Another girl would put a light bulb inside of her vagina and make it light up. He said he wasn't sure how she did that. Howard read that Luther had some football players come up on stage at one show and they pulled down their pants and got blow jobs one time.
Luther said he got into some trouble on the show the last time he was on. He has to be careful what he says because he's now back under investigation thanks to the last appearance.
Howard asked Luke about the time he wanted to see how many girls he could bang in one night. Luther said he had 12 girls lined up one night and went from room to room just going in and out of the girls without finishing with them. He said that was back in his younger days, he doesn't do that stuff anymore. Artie said the only time he got fucked by 12 girls was when he bet on a WNBA game and lost.
Luke talked about pissing on chicks and how much he enjoys that. He said that he has a whole ritual that he goes through with that. Howard asked Big Foot if he's ever pissed on a girl. Big Foot said that he has done that and stumbled over his story a bit. Artie was goofing on him and saying that he pissed on her in line at a grocery store. Big Foot said he was with a woman who was a little bit dry so he pissed on her to make her wet. Luke said that he's never heard of doing that before.
Luke told Howard some stories about a groupie he used to know who would try to set him up for a rape charge but he would tape record her and bust her right on the spot. Howard talked about Luke's restaurant down in Miami and how Robert De Niro used to visit that place to check out the hot black chicks there.
Howard asked Luke what his definition of the perfect pussy is. Luke gave a description of a nice wet pussy that's shaved and has a nice sized clitoris. Big Foot said that he likes a nice hairy pussy so he can get his balls off on that. The guys laughed their asses off at that description coming from him. Big Foot was also talking about how he's had two women at once but he was kind of lost while they were busy doing their thing.
Big Foot also let a guy blow him one time. He claims that he did that to keep himself alive. He was in jail at the time and was in for 18 months. He said he was as happy as could be in there at the time. He said he had a bunch of breaking and entering charges and he used to love doing that stuff. He said he would just walk into a house and steal stuff but he got caught after they tracked him through some snow one time.
Big Foot said that he's even stolen rear ends out of cars and carried them on his back. Big Foot said he did the blow job thing about once a week while he was in jail and he would take weed as payment. He said that he wouldn't get fully hard while the guy blew him. He said he would only get a little hard.
Howard said that a lot of women were ready to be evaluated this morning. He told the guys that they were going to be judging the girls and Big Foot didn't seem to understand the concept. He thought that he was going to be evaluated.
Howard introduced the first woman, Sierra. She's only 18 years old and Howard said she was in a blue bikini. She just graduated from High School in June. Howard told her who all of the judges were and asked her about her height and weight. She's 5'8'' tall and weighs 120 pounds. She had high heels on and had a naval piercing according to Robin. Sierra said she's been told that she looks like Paris Hilton. She also said that she's a virgin but she has been dating a guy for 5 months. Howard asked her if she gives him a hand job or anything like that. She said she's a good girl and doesn't do that. She didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff.
Howard asked Sierra if she has ever given oral to a guy. She said she never does that. Gary said that her mother is in the green room so that's why she doesn't want to talk about that stuff. Howard asked her why she wants to be in the magazine. She said it's because it's full of women who are classy and beautiful. Artie laughed when he heard that. She also said that she's leaving her bathing suit on and not taking her top off for them today.
Howard said it's tough to evaluate a woman with her top on. Ralph said there's probably something wrong with them. She said that they're fine and they're natural but she still refused to take her top off. Artie said that they were nice looking from what he could see.
Howard asked Uncle Luke to give his evaluation. He said this was tough because he likes to see the pussy in the magazine. He couldn't give an evaluation because of that. Big Foot said that she's got a bit of a dimple on her side that he said was good in a way and in a way it's not. He said he wasn't able to tell if it was a scar mark or what. Sierra said that she's got a bruise but she's not sure where it came from. Ralph pointed out that she's got a bit of camel toe showing and pointed it out on the telestrator. He said it looked like she was totally shaved as well.
Artie said that this may be the hottest chick he's ever seen. Gary came in and said that she's missing a tooth. Howard told Ralph to point that out on the telestrator. Gary said it didn't look like it was missing, it was just a big space. She said she's got really bad teeth and she needs to get them fixed. The guys told her that the teeth would keep her out of the magazine.
Howard told Sierra that she needs implants but she is really hot. He told her she's got to fix her teeth though. She said that if she got into the magazine she could afford to pay for her teeth. Howard managed to get her to take her top off for a few seconds and the guys thought they looked great. Luke said that she could get in the college edition but not in regular Playboy. Ralph told her to tighten up her body a little more and she'd be really hot. Artie told her she was fine the way she was.
Howard brought in the next woman, Marcy, and asked the guys to look her over. Marcy said that she's always wanted to do this. She's 25 years old. Ralph thought she might be lying about that though. Howard asked her if she's ever been naked or in a magazine. She rates herself a 10 and wouldn't change anything about herself. Howard asked her if she can handle the honest opinions the guys were going to give her. She said she'd be fine with that.
Marcy stripped down for the guys. Ralph told her that the bottoms should come off because they looked so bad on her. Howard said she didn't appear to mind being naked. She's only 5'2'' tall but Howard said that doesn't seem to stop Playboy. Howard went to Big Foot and he thought she was good enough for Playboy. He said it looks like she's got a nice, tight pussy. He also noticed that she didn't have any scars.
Uncle Luke said that Marcy needs to do some toning up on her stomach area. He also said that she should do some posing for them but she didn't have any poses she wanted to do. Ralph also said that she's a little ''thick'' to him and she isn't Playboy quality. Howard said he thinks that she could be in the magazine but Ralph pointed out some of her flaws. He told her to lose 20 pounds and she might be able to get in. She only weighs 100 pounds now and she'd be way too thin if she lost 20. Ralph told her to go down to 90 at least.
Ralph was also pointing out Marcy's bad hair and how it was a little too much for him. He said she's got nice teeth and a nice smile. Artie said that she was hot but not good enough for Playboy. Ralph said that the Playboy chicks are the top of the food chain and none of them are skanks.
Howard brought in the next girl, Victoria Stevens, who rates herself a 9. Ralph noticed that she had crazy eyes. She said that she's been told she looks like Hef's first girlfriend. She also said that she works for Playboy already but she's never submitted to be a magazine model. She said that she's messed around with some women but she's never had full blown sex with any.
Howard asked Victoria to strip down for them. The guys liked her breasts and said that it was a big difference when she took her clothing off. She was completely groomed down below and there wasn't one hair on her body according to Gary. Victoria said she's on the internet on Myspace at Myspace.com/VictoriaStevens.
Uncle Luke said this chick looks good and he likes how manicured her pussy is. He said that the only problem with this woman is her breasts. Victoria said that some of the Playmates have small breasts like hers. Ralph said that they just need a little more shape to round them out a little. He said she wants them to be coming out instead of being concave like hers are.
Big Foot said that Ralph is too picky and this chick could be in the magazine. Howard asked Victoria to push her breasts up a little bit to show what they would look like if they were bigger. Uncle Luke said she could be in Playboy. Ralph liked her ass and said that she had a nice arch in her back. He said that her head looks big too and the breast implants might help her out by balancing it all out.
Ralph told Victoria to leave a little bit of hair on that ''vagine'' of hers. She said she likes it to be fully shaved when she's not posing for a magazine. Ralph picked out that she must have had a belly piercing because she had a bit of a scar. Gary also pointed out some stretch marks she had on her.
Uncle Luke asked her if she spits or swallows. She said she will do both. She let one guy cum on her face and it burned. She said she wasn't sure what the guy ate but it turned her face red.
Howard wrapped up after that and told Artie he was going to be making out with Blue Iris after this. He showed Uncle Luke who Artie was going to be making out with. Luke said that Artie needs a shot of something before doing that. Artie wanted to get some shots going right then so he'd be prepared for the kiss.
The guys asked Big Foot if he ever took it up the ass from a guy. Big Foot said that he may have done that a couple of times. Howard asked him to explain because he didn't think that gay guys would want to bang guys like him. Big Foot said he's also given it to guys in the ass as well which seemed to surprise everyone. Big Foot said that he's also cum in a guy's face but he's never let a guy do that to him. He also revealed that a guy has peed on him and given him a golden shower.
Howard asked Big Foot if he enjoyed having a guy in his behind or when he stuck his inside a man. Big Foot said that he probably enjoyed putting it in a guy. He said he was able to come to a finish in the guy but he had to get paid really well for that.
Robin asked Big Foot if he's ever fucked any animals. He said he's never done that but he did have a cat for a while that he would let lay on his stomach to help make him feel better.
Howard wrapped up with the guys, gave Luke a plug for his web site LukeRecords.net and gave a plug to Big Foot for his Myspace page at Myspace.com/markshawjr. Gary came in and told Howard that Blue Iris had just shown up after running a little late. Artie pretended to be happy about that.
The guys asked Big Foot if he's ever used his tongue on a guy. He said he hasn't done that but he has had a guy put his tongue in his ass. Luke said he won't even let a chick do that to his ass.
Howard said they had an audience in the studio to watch Artie making out with Blue Iris. Former WWE wrestler Chris Kanyon is the one to thank for all of this because he made the bet with Artie that the Mets would make it further in the playoffs than the Yankees would. Chris came in and said that Artie looked really mad this morning. Artie was smoking and drinking some Jack Daniels to get into the right mood for this. Howard said that he doesn't even let anyone smoke in there.
Howard had Ric Flair on the phone to talk to Chris about the last appearance he made on the show. Ric was upset with some of the stuff that Chris said about Vince McMahon firing him for being gay. Ric said that he thinks that Chris had some shortcomings in the ring and that's why he got fired, not because he was gay. Howard said that John Cena also said that Chris was a good guy but he didn't have the skills to do the job. Robin said he actually said he didn't have much of an act, that's what his problem was.
Howard asked Chris what he thinks about all of this. Chris said he thinks that the writers knew that he was gay and they put that stuff into the story line every week. Ric didn't think that had anything to do with why he was fired. Chris also said that he was in the WWE for 9 years and he wouldn't have lasted that long if he didn't have something. Ric said that he still doesn't think that he was fired because he came out of the closet.
Chris seems to think that Ric is going to say whatever it is that Vince wants to hear. Gary asked Ric what he thinks the real reason was then. Ric wasn't sure why they fired Chris so he doesn't know that it was because he was gay. Ric said he knows that there are gay people in the wrestling world and they haven't been fired. Those people aren't out like Chris was though.
Ric said that he thinks that it was just the fact that Chris didn't have anything to add to the WWE. Chris said he was fine for 9 years until he started talking about the fact that he's gay. Ric said that he's just not good enough to be on the show. Chris asked him why he was on the phone and why Vince wasn't. Gary said that he was told that Vince and the other guys are in Japan so that's why Ric is on the phone today. Ric kept saying that Chris just didn't have the right stuff for the show at this point.
Chris and Ric went back and forth on all of that for a short time before Howard interrupted and said that they had their words. Robin asked if it was true that Ric was put on the show because Vince couldn't call in. Gary said that was the story and Ric was picked because some of the other guys were busy in Japan. Chris seems to think that Vince picked Ric to speak on his behalf and he probably told him what to say.
Ric said that he's a huge fan of the show and he wondered why he would have Hulk Hogan on the show and not him. Howard said he doesn't know that much about wrestling but he knows Hulk's name so he has him on the show. He said he would have Ric on if he wanted but he doesn't know who he is. Chris told Ric he really respects him and thinks that he's the greatest wrestler of all time. Artie said that they're having the most civilized wrestling discussion of all time.
Ric told Chris he shouldn't use the Howard Stern Show to vent about that stuff. Chris said ''Unlike you, they called me.'' Howard let Ric go after that and moved on to the big kiss.
Howard talked to another guy in the audience who is looking forward to this. He said that Blue Iris isn't all that bad looking if you look at her straight on.
Artie asked Chris if he would take $10,000 to forget about the bet. Chris said that's a lot of money... Artie said he was serious about it too and would give the guy the ten grand. Chris sounded like he could use the money because he hasn't worked in 3 years. Artie pulled out his check book and showed him he was serious.
Pat the Make a Wish kid was also in the audience today. Howard asked him why he hasn't died yet. Pat said he was supposed to die about 6 months ago but he's still going. Artie asked him if he would die if he gave him ten grand. Pat said he's actually going to get some chemo today.
Crackhead Bob was in the audience so Howard asked him if he was gay, referring to that prank call he made recently. Artie called him Faghead Bob and Bob got a little pissed off at him. Sam Simon was also in the crowd so Howard asked him why he didn't put him into the Bitter Half show. Sam said he does have a great voice for doing voice overs. Howard said that Sam was treating this like a sporting event with a cigar in his mouth.
Chris Kanyon's brother was in the crowd so Howard said hello to him. Joey Pajamas, Sal, Richard, Shuli and others were also sitting in the audience. Sal said that they were just seat fillers like at the Academy Awards. Sal talked about the slap that Chris gave him the last time he was on and how the welt lasted for 5 days. Jon Hein and JD were also in the crowd so Howard talked to JD for a few seconds.
Howard looked at Blue Iris' medical test and found that she was free of AIDS. Artie said he was worried about getting herpes or something. Blue came in a few seconds later and said that she doesn't have herpes or anything like that. Howard asked her when she last had sex. She said it was a couple of weeks ago. She had her AIDS test on October 12th.
Blue said that she is married to Ron Pinsky and that's the guy she had sex with last. Artie said he couldn't kiss a chick who's married. She was wheezing a bit as she was talking so she told them that she has asthma. Artie said he was afraid of catching that.
Howard went through a list of other things that Blue claims she doesn't have. She claims to be totally clean. Howard had her show her panties to everyone. Artie asked where the Jack Daniels and Heroin were after that. Howard went through just about every disease he could come up with and Blue answered ''Nooo'' to every one of them.
Howard asked Blue if she would mind if Artie ended up getting a little more physical than just the kiss. She said she'd be fine with anything. Artie said that he might want to titty fuck her instead of kiss her. Howard had the two of them prepare for their kiss a short time later.
Howard sent Artie over to Blue as Crackhead Bob was cheering him on. Howard said he felt really bad for him. Artie had a beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands as he walked over. Artie put his arm around Blue and got ready to kiss her. He had to do it for a full 10 seconds. Artie told her to get read and then went in for the kiss. Everyone was yelling and letting out sighs as he made the kiss. Howard said he was feeling her up as well. Gary said that he felt up her ass and even showed the camera that he had his tongue in her mouth.
Howard asked Blue what it was like as Artie was kissing her. She didn't seem to think it was too bad. Artie said it wasn't so bad for him either. Howard said that you have to see this on TV. He said that Artie paid up on his bet with Chris.
Blue said that Artie was very good but she didn't like the booze that was on his breath because she doesn't drink.
Howard got back to Kristin, the woman in the audience who gave Artie her number one time. He asked her to stand up so he could check out her body. The guys were telling him to go make out with her. Howard let Blue get in a plug for her web site where they have a trailer for her final porn movie. You can check that out at BlueIrisWebSite.com. Howard asked her how many guys she's given oral to. She said it's probably over 50 but Artie didn't want to hear that shit. Howard gave Chris a plug for his web site at ChrisKanyon.net. Howard spent a little more time talking to everyone before wrapping up. He said that Blue Iris' documentary which will be airing on Howard TV starting next Tuesday. We get to meet her kids and other people in her life.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and said he can't believe that beast got made out with... and told Blue he felt sorry for her. Another caller asked when Artie was going to call his heroin dealer. Artie joked that his heroin dealer is his therapist now. Some of the audience members gave their thoughts on what had just happened. Sam Simon got in a plug for the Bitter Half Show that's airing next Wednesday on the show. He said he hopes that the Bitter Half will help them forget about what they saw there today.
Howard asked Sal what he thought about it. Sal said it wasn't as bad as Beer League but it came close. He said it was actually great radio. Richard said it looked like Artie was about to commit suicide but he just put that away and went through with it. Jon Hein said they'll be talking about that during the Wrap Up Show today. He said there was a bit of a show going on within the audience while the kissing was going on.
Howard wrapped up, gave everyone their plugs when Artie asked if he could just blow off the news and go out drinking. Howard told him he could do whatever he wanted after that. He went to commercial right after that.
Howard asked Fred what he thought about the Artie and Blue Iris kiss. Fred said he wanted to know if Artie chubbed up at all when he was feeling her up. Artie said that didn't happen. Howard told Artie he's got to call that hot chick in the front row of the audience. Artie said she gave her number to Sam Simon for him so he does have it.
Artie talked about how he remembered her face from the movie premiere and the note she had given him was very sweet. He said she thought he was funny and stuff like that. He said she was very nice and Howard added that she looks very clean as well. He said she's attractive as hell. Artie said he got some of that blue lipstick in his mouth and that mixed with the Jack Daniels was making him sick.
Howard said that Tim Sabean has been giving him all kinds of updates about what's going on back on terrestrial radio now that he's gone. He said he didn't want to bring Tim in because he didn't want the fans to think they were gloating. Gary told Howard Tim was coming in anyway.
Tim came in and said that it looks pretty close that Pete Townshend is coming in next week. They can request any two songs they want him to perform. Fred played some ''Eminence Front'' and let Artie hum along to it for a short time. He was drunk and singing along to the song.
Howard asked Tim what's going on with his old radio stations. Tim said that the old stations that he was on are suffering now that Howard is gone. Tim was wearing some kind of attachment on his belt so he asked him what was up with that. Tim said that it was a Blackberry attachment. He said he likes his Blackberry and it's the only one that's tough enough and lasts all day long for him.
Artie talked about his manager who had a phone that would always dial itself because the guy was so heavy for a while. He said that the guy used to be so fat that if he wanted to play the part of the guy, he would have to wear a fat suit.
Steve Langford went through a couple more stories that they'll be covering today. He said they have another story about Elegant Elliot Offen and the things he's been up to. They'll also be talking about the TV show Extra picking Beth to be a special correspondent. Howard said he's getting less and less sex because of that so it's not good for him.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein and had him give a rundown of his Wrap Up Show. Jon mentioned the Blue Iris kiss and how Kristin will be stopping by the show to say hello. Howard interrupted that and took a call from a guy who said that Artie really lived up to the bet and he was impressed by that. Another guy said that he wanted to compliment them on the Master Tape Theatre shows. Howard said that those guys who are working on those tapes uncovered some stuff that never aired. He said it may not air on there either but they are finding some cool stuff.
Howard said that Jon is working on some show ideas and coming up with some cool stuff that they might be airing in the future. The caller he had on the line asked if they have any plans for DirecTV to pick up the On Demand thing. Howard told the guy they don't have the ability to do that at this point with satellite TV. The caller said one of his favorite E! shows was the Cindy Margolis show when she came in with her friend Elissa. Howard said he ran into that chick a few years ago and spoke to her for a short time. He said she looked even better than she did on that previous show.
The guys talked about how Cindy Margolis is going to be in Playboy soon and that she wants to come on the show to promote it. Howard said that he just hopes that she still looks good. Jon Hein got back to his show preview and said they'll be talking about the Playboy evaluation segment.
Artie talked about the kiss he had with Blue Iris and how he was trying to concentrate on that hot chick in the front row of the audience instead of on Blue. Howard went right into Robin's news after that. She did a quick news segment and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show talking about Chris Rock's mother hooking up with Reverend Al Sharpton after she went to a Cracker Barrel restaurant and didn't get served for over a half an hour. She wants to sue them now. Robin said she watched them on Larry King Live last night and her story is so ridiculous because she's been going to the restaurant for a long time and that's the first time it happened. Robin said people would think that she would do something like that.
Howard said he had Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern'' on the phone to ask her about the KC thing they talked about yesterday. Andrea got on and said that her father used to work for Cracker Barrel and the place was filled with black people.
Andrea said she went to rehab and is off the drugs she was on. She's still drinking but she's off the drugs she was on. She was very happy about that and let everyone know how proud she was about that and going to court and winning a custody battle without a lawyer.
Howard asked Andrea if she would be into doing the taping of the sex with KC. Andrea said she would like to be with KC again and she doesn't think that he would be up for it. Howard told her that KC told them that he'd be up for it when they talked to him yesterday. She still didn't seem to be convinced that he would do it. She told Howard that she loves them. Andrea also told Howard about making out with Ginger Lynn and how hot that was. She said it was weird but good.
Gary asked Andrea if she slept with Trent Tomlinson. She had to get in a plug for an autograph signing she's doing at the Nashville Fairgrounds this weekend. She said that something did happen with Trent. She said that she did have sex with him but he will be upset with her for saying that. She doesn't care and said she's going to see him on Saturday at the fairgrounds.
Gary said that Trent told them that nothing happened. Andrea said they agreed to say that nothing happened but she can't lie to Howard.
Howard had KC on the phone to talk about the sex thing. He asked him if he even knew what her real name was. KC knew that it was Andrea Ownbey but she told him that she's changed it to Andrea Brooke. Howard asked the two of them if they're really willing to tape themselves having sex. They seemed to be into it and KC said that he'd like to give her anal. She said she wouldn't usually do that but KC is hot so she's going to do it.
Howard told KC they're going to hook him up with some good recording equipment. KC didn't want to wear a microphone but wanted them to hook something up near her ass so they could hear the ''squish, squish, squish'' sounds.
KC asked Andrea if she's been having a lot of sex lately. Andrea said that she's only been with a couple of guys. Gary asked the two of them if they could do it next week for the two free days that they're broadcasting next week. KC asked her if she's on her period. Fred told him it doesn't matter if he's going to be hitting her ass. Howard told Fred that KC wants both vagina and ass.
Howard put the two of them on hold to set everything up. KC asked if it was okay that he does anything he wants. Howard told him he can't kill her or anything like that. KC wanted to give her a Hot Karl where she lays under a glass table while he shits on the table. He said he was just kidding about that.
Andrea told KC that she got a boob job since the last time he saw her. She said they're a little bigger than they were the last time. KC told Howard he was whacking it right then as he was hearing all of this. He also said that he's going to tell his girlfriend that he's going to be doing this and he's going to tape record it.
KC said that his girlfriend hates Andrea because she hears so much about what happened between them. He said he really likes Andrea and he wants to do her but it's just for the show. He said he loves this chick he's with but he doesn't have a problem screwing Andrea. Andrea was afraid that she was going to ruin the relationship but then told KC to tell her she said hi. Howard told KC to call his girl on the air so he could tell her live.
Howard put KC on hold so Gary could get the number to call KC's girlfriend. Howard said that he actually did that right and put KC on hold and kept Andrea on the line. Andrea said that she really misses them. She said she was on cocaine for a while and she's so glad she's off of it now. Howard said she was up there one day asking if they could get her some coke. Andrea is clean now but she said she falls asleep all the time.
Andrea talked about her rehab experience and said that it cost her $7,000. She said her sponsor didn't think she was going to graduate as quick as she did. She said she's been drinking even more than she did before the coke though so that's another problem she has.
Howard got KC back on the phone while Gary tried to talk his girlfriend Candle into coming on the air. He managed to convince her to come on. Candle was sleeping when they called her so she sounded a little out of it. KC went on to explain to her what was going on. She said she was very tired. Howard told her about how Bubba the Love Sponge had this guy Spice Boy tape himself having sex with one of their guests, Akira, and they wanted to have KC do that with Miss Howard Stern. They both agreed to do it so he was breaking the news to Candle.
KC said that he thought this was going to be funny but it wasn't turning out to be funny. Candle said that at this point she really doesn't care. She said that she and KC are pretty tight... KC said he had to put a stop to this because he thought this was going to go a different way. Candle said that Andrea was calling KC like 40 times a night for a while. Andrea said that she hasn't called him in a long time and that's not going on anymore.
KC said that it's true that Andrea hasn't called in a while. Andrea said that she thought they were cool. KC said that they are just friends but he's not sure that he's cured yet because he seems to be sabotaging this relationship.
Howard asked Candle how long she's been dating KC. She said it's been almost a year. KC said this is all his fault and he's sorry about the whole thing. Howard told Candle that KC must have been kidding about this and wasn't actually going to go through with it. Andrea said that she didn't want him to go through with this if it was going to cause so much trouble.
The guys suggested that they have KC bang Candle but Howard asked her if she could give him this one pass so he could bang Miss Howard Stern. Candle told KC that he was so sweet for wanting to give anal to Andrea. Candle said she wasn't going to give KC any sex tonight so he told her that was bullshit. Howard told KC and Candle to talk it over and see if they could work it out. Howard apologized to Candle for calling so early.
KC said he was lost out on the road and wanted to know how to get back home but Candle told him to call her off the air. KC told Howard that the best pasta sauce is Son of a Gun Pasta and you can get it at SonOfAGunPastaSauce.com
Gary showed Howard a picture of Candle through KC's Myspace account and she looked really hot according to Howard. They checked her out and then Howard let her go. Howard asked KC if he thinks he can work this out. He said he thinks he can work it out if he talks to her in person. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said that they have a few things planned for the free days next week. He talked about how great yesterday's show was. John Boy was asking if there was anything he could do to help out with the free trial promotion. Howard told him to just tell a few friends.
John Boy kept referring to the final game of the playoffs for the Mets coming up tomorrow but it was going to be tonight. That got Howard and the guys talking about the game and how they think the Mets are going to do. Gary came in and talked about it a little bit. They talked about how late the game is starting and how late it will probably run.
Artie said that he was offered a chance to do a thing for FOX. He said he's going to be doing a scene in a bar getting ready to watch the World Series. He said he gets to say ''Play ball!'' right before the first game starts. Artie has to fly out to L.A. Today to shoot the scene. The guys told Artie to throw in some SIRIUS plugs and maybe some ''Baba Booeys'' but Artie said that it's scripted. Howard had to bail out on John Boy's phone call after he rambled on just a little too much.
Howard said the kid's father is still alive but he can't afford to take care of the kid so he has no problem with Madonna taking him. Howard said he's been getting really angry at the story because it's not every day that Madonna adopts a child from Africa and gives him a great life.
Howard said that he thinks that David Hinkley from the Daily News hates him because of some articles he's written about him lately. He said the guy didn't mention the fact that he's put his radio show on TV while writing about how Wendy Williams wants to do that.
Howard read a story about this guy down in New Orleans who ended up killing and boiling his wife. He committed suicide after doing all of that. Howard read the story about how the guy boiled his wife's head and baked her feet and hands. The guy jumped off a hotel and killed himself and that's what led the police to their home where they found the woman's body. Robin wondered if the guy ate any of her. Howard said it didn't say anything about that in the article.
Howard brought up Paul McCartney and how his ex-wife Heather Mills is now accusing him of abusing her. He read that she wanted to have a bed pan in their bed because she only has one leg. She would have to crawl across the floor to go to the bathroom. Howard read the article where she claims that Paul would cut her and injure her while making her cook two meals a night, one for them, one for the baby.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he seemed to be flip flopping on the Madonna story. The guy said that he heard Howard saying that Angelina Jolie should be adopting kids here in the U.S. instead of other countries. Howard said he never said that and the caller started laughing so he figured he was just pulling his leg.
Howard told this guy Matt that the story is ridiculous and he shouldn't have to deny these stories. He said he hasn't been in the Hamptons shopping for antiques. He said he did go to a friend's antique shop so maybe that's where it came from. Howard said he called Beth and asked if he should even respond to it. Beth told him to go ahead and do that because they sleep together every night.
Howard said Beth does have a room that she uses as an office but his kids use the room when they stay over at his apartment. They're making a story out of nothing. Howard said he spoke to his agent Don who told him not to respond to the story. He said it felt very bizarre to get that call from Matt about the whole thing. He said it's really creepy.
Howard said he was watching some of the Howard TV stuff trying to catch up on everything. He said that they have the whole one cent promotion going on soon and that's going to be cool. Doug Goodstein came in and said that the two hour special is coming along nicely for the one cent sale. He said it's amazing how much they've done so far. The one penny deal is on November 3-5. He said the special will be just over 2 hours and they will cover a lot of stuff in there. Doug said it's amazing how much they've done in just one year.
Robin asked Howard what went on in the hall yesterday after the show. Howard said he got really pissed off at Richard after he tried to shove a cupcake in Ralph's face and it got smashed into the wall and carpet. He said he was telling Richard how he really wanted to keep that place clean but those guys don't seem to care.
Howard said he feels so good walking through clean halls and these guys screw that up. Robin said she heard Ralph yelling and asking if he wasn't supposed to throw another cupcake at Richard. The guys said that's what an adult would do.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked him if he still thinks that adopted kids aren't loved as much as non-adopted kids. Howard said he still believes that and the kids are never completely loved. He said that someone like Madonna can give kids a better life but he doesn't think she can love that kid like her own.
That led to Howard talking about how Robin was so hot that her father couldn't even resist her. He joked that he tried to get his own father to put a finger in his ass but he wouldn't do it. Robin said that Lisa G was doing an interview wiht someone talkign about how great it is when a father brings a kid to a race track or a game or something. She thoght that Hwoard didn't have that great of an experience with his father though. Howard talked about how miserable his father was when he'd bring him anywhere when he was a kid.
Howard told the story about going to the race track with his father one day and how he picked a horse to win that actually won. He said the whole experience was horrible for him though. His father didn't seem to want to spend any time with him.
Howard also talked about going to a couple of baseball games with his father and how that was horrible as well. He siad he doesn't even want to think bakc on that stuff becasue it was such a horrible experience.
Howard talked about how he asked Beth to bang him last night becasue he's been all out of sorts lately. He said she made him pause Dancing with the Stars so they could do it. He talked about how no one was kicked off the show last night because one of the contestants had quit the show earlier in teh week.
Gary had one more question for Sal and Howard. Artie wanted to know if they knew what an Infield Fly rule was. Howard didn't know it so Artie explained that to him. Gary then asked Sal what a sacrificed fly is. Sal didn't know it so Howard gave an explanation that was correct.
Jon Hein came in to argue with Artie about the ground rule double thing. Jon said that fan interference is different than a ground rule double. They went through all of their own explanations and Sal asked if he could leave at that point. He was done with the baseball nonsense. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard told Gary to just get Crazy Alice and Big Foot Mark on the phone to give their picks. Elliot has been given the chance to win $25,000 in this football pool but all he wants to do is sell these tapes of his. Artie joked that he was also surprised that Elliot wasn't acting rationally.
Howard went to Big Foot Mark who was already on the phone. Big Foot said that the friend that he brought in with him yesterday was a load of wood or something. Big Foot said that his friend said that he's a load of wood and he's tying him down. Howard just asked him for his pick. He said he's going with the Bengals. Big Foot is in second place in the pool at this point.
Howard went to Crazy Alice next. She told Fred that she loves him but didn't say that to anyone else in there. Robin asked Alice why she's giving Big Foot money if she wins because he just spends it all in no time. She said he's actually going to give some to his manager if she wins. Alice said that she was going to pick the Broncos this weekend. Artie told her that was the dumbest pick he's ever heard. That got her all revved up and cursing him out like she does every week.
Alice was going off on Artie telling him that he was never skinny and that he's a fat faggot. Artie said he saw her Myspace account and it broke the computer screen because she was so fat. Alice didn't even hear that, she was busy yelling at him and cursing him out. The two of them went at it for a couple of minutes non stop. Artie was telling her how fat she is while Alice was telling him how fat he is. She said he hates that motherfucker. Artie was telling her she looks like Fat Albert and things like that. He told her she looks like Ruben Studdard... before the diet.
Artie told her she looks like a hill of feces with eyes. Howard told him he went over the line with that one. Alice said that he was talking about his mama. Artie said that she looks like someone stacked piles of shit bricks and carved out some eyes... She looks like a shit pyramid. Artie told her to grease up the front door and get herself out there to New York. He and Alice were threatening to beat the shit out of each other during the phone call. Alice wished Fred a nice day and got off the phone a short time later.
Artie said that Alice is the greatest. He loves getting her all pissed off like that. Howard took a call from a guy who said Artie is going to have to hide if Alice ever comes in.
Gary came in and said that he had some sad news, Elliot is out of the contest. He said he tried reasoning with Elliot but he didn't want to hear it. He said he's now out of the contest. Gary said that they could add someone else to the contest like Eric the Midget or Jeff the Drunk. Howard told Gary that they'll let Elliot calm down for an hour or so and see if he changes his mind.
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone and told him he may get into the contest. He said that he would go with Indianapolis if he was in the pool this week. Gary said that Eric would have to take over for Elliot and take his current score of 2-4 if he gets into it. Gary said that Elliot doesn't even seem to be interested in that $25,000 because he claims he's got more money than he could imagine. Howard thanked Eric for his pick and told him that if Elliot doesn't calm down, he's in the contest. Howard said that Elliot is just nuts with those plugs of his and he can't take it.
Artie asked Lisa if her outfit was thanks to this anniversary celebration. Lisa said that's her Pam Anderson look without the boobs.
Lisa told Artie that Blue Iris was telling her that she's worried about his depression. That led to Howard talking about some people coming up to him and asking him what he's going to do for Artie because he is so depressed. Howard said he told them that Artie has family and he is a grown man so he should be able to handle everything himself. He said he's willing to do anything for the guy but he can't just force him to do anything.
Howard said he cares about Artie but the guy has showed up for work for the past 5 years so and there's nothing he can really do. He read some e-mail that he's gotten about Artie and someone thinks that he may be diabetic. Artie said he was tested when he was thin but not since he's gotten fat again. Howard said that Jon Hein could test his blood sugar right then if he wanted. He did that on the air one other time.
Howard said that there's a lot of reaction to Artie kissing Blue Iris yesterday. He read through some of that mail. The Howard TV guys showed some video of Artie feeling Blue up as he was making out with her. He was squeezing her boob and grabbing her ass in the shot. Howard said that's supposed to be up on Howard TV tonight.
Howard said that the kiss actually went 13 seconds even though it was supposed to be just 10 seconds. Artie said he had to get some momentum going before he did it so he could just get it out of the way and not have to restart.
Howard read some mail about Ralph being on the show yesterday. People really don't want him on the show. Howard got some feedback about Riley Martin. He read a little bit of that and some mail about Big Foot Mark.
Someone wrote in and asked which of the guys on the show have beat off to other spouses and girlfriends. Howard said he once beat off to Beth in FHM magazine and that was pretty weird for him. Artie said that is kind of a weird thing to do. Artie said it's too weird for him to beat off to someone that his friend is dating. Gary said that Beth has been off limits for him. He can't think about Robin either.
Lisa G wrapped up her Howard 100 News preview after that. Howard read a story about Sharon Osbourne who is going to be removing the band from her stomach and try to keep the weight off after doing some psychotherapy. Robin thought that sounded a little nuts to her. Howard said that someone who loses weight that way never really figures out what's wrong with them so maybe it's a good thing for her. He said that she needs to take back control of her life.
Howard said that he read a story about Joe Frazier being out of money. He said that it's a sad story because other boxers from back then were all millionaires and still are. Howard read that Joe needed some money for operations on his back and neck after an accident and Larry Holmes actually helped him out. Larry didn't want to talk about it when he was asked about it.
Howard read a story about this Cory Lidle who crashed his plane into an apartment building. One of the tenants in the apartment that was hit was the woman who was hit in the head with a lamp post during a Macy's Day Parade and ended up in a coma for a while. Now she's had an airplane crash into her apartment. That's two major incidents. Howard thought that Scott the Engineer had bad luck but this poor woman has really had bad luck.
Howard played an audio clip from the FOX TV show Good Day where Meg Tilly talked about her grandpa jacking off on her shoe one time. He said they're going to be fined over that. Howard listened to the clip and wondered if they're going to get fined over that. Gary said he doesn't think that they will be fined even though they should if the FCC wants to be consistent.
Artie interrupted and said that he was looking at Blue Iris' blood test and it showed her name and her age was listed as 22. He said that her real name is Ellen and her birth date is January 21, 1947. Artie said that there's something going on there because they had her age listed as 22 when she's really 59. Artie doesn't even believe that she's under the age of 60. <>Howard told Artie that he's not going to get anything from her, he should stop worrying about it. Artie still didn't believe that she was only 59 years old. He said that's only 7 years older than Howard, there's no way that can be true. She looks like she's 83 to him.
A phone caller asked Howard if he heard Bubba's show yesterday because Hulk Hogan was on talking about how he was going to let one of the guys on the show kiss his daughter if they could get out of a chicken wing hold that she put on them. Howard figured he wouldn't be able to do it so he asked the other guys if they wanted to do it. Benjy claimed he could get out of it no problem. Gary came in and said that he could get out of that no problem. He demonstrated with Benjy.
Fred looked up this Chicken Wing hold on the web and it didn't look like what Gary was showing. Gary saw the picture and demonstrated on Benjy again. Benjy was able to get out of the hold but Fred didn't think he could get out if Brooke did the hold. Howard said that Benjy looked like he was about to pass out after the demonstration. Howard had to go to break after that.
Artie told a story about a friend of his who was a cop and pulled a girl over. He said the girl was drunk and the cop asked her what she does for a living and where she lives because she could be walking to work for 6 months. The guy gave her the choice of ''taking care of his kid'' or getting arrested.
Howard played a clip of a girl getting choked by a guy as she's giving him oral. Howard said it was a good time to mention they're looking for the funniest porn clip that an audience member can find. They're giving away $5,000 to the person who wins. You can send your clips to Jason@HowardStern.com
Howard said that he's shocked about how much money Hulk Hogan makes doing that wrestling stuff. He said he's watched the Hogan TV show and he can't believe how opulent their lifestyle is. He's got a huge house, jet skis, a Ferrari and all kinds of stuff.
Howard said he doesn't mind trying to help out Hogan's daughter. Fred played some of Brooke's song but they didn't last too long listening to it. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said the song is horrible. The guy also suggested that they have Borat(Sacha Baron Cohen) on the show. Howard said that he will be booked for the show. Gary came in and said that they're trying to figure out the day he's going to come in and they may have him doing something special for them.
Howard said that they're going to a screening of the movie next week and he can't wait to see it. He said he's heard that it might be one of the funniest movies ever. He played a clip from one of the bits that Borat did when he tried to find a job. He spoke to a couple of people about getting a job and goofed on them quite a bit. Howard said he could watch that stuff all day long.
Ralph called in and said that he doesn't find that guy funny at all and he doesn't know what he's missing. Howard told him he thinks that stuff is great. Artie said he thinks that he's a hit or miss guy and when he hits it's hilarious. Ralph said he thinks that the people know that the guy is pranking them. Howard let him go because he had Elegant Elliot Offen on the phone.
Elliot was yelling at Howard and Gary and not letting anyone get a word in. Elliot said he wanted what he had coming to him. Gary came in and told Elliot to go run over some elderly woman again. He said they gave Elliot what they promised him. Gary said this is what he gets when he calls him.
Elliot said that they were screwing him out of this $25,000 but they're just trying to get him to cut down his promotion from 30 minutes to 30 seconds. Howard wondered what he should do there, hang up or deal with him more. Gary told him to hang up but he continued to let Elliot yell about how he can do whatever he wants.
Howard told Elliot that he can take them to court if he wants. Elliot said that he will do that and laughed with his insane laugh for a few seconds. Elliot said he doesn't care if Gary lives or dies so Gary said that he cares, he hopes that Elliot dies.
Gary pointed out that Elliot has a bunch of people suing him over his web sites and other things. Elliot said that they can't screw him out of his scratch over and over again. Gary said he would know about that because he does that to people all the time.
Howard was ready to give up after about 10 minutes of Elliot's yelling. Elliot said he had an oral agreement to get these plugs and he wanted what he had coming to him. Elliot was threatening to put a bullet in Gary's head so Howard told him that's not going to go over very well with his court case. Howard told Elliot that when he goes on with a 3 or 4 minute plug, it bores people. He said he has to keep it to 30 seconds. Gary said they would give him 45 seconds if 30 wasn't enough. Elliot told him to shut up before he took a dump in his yap.
Howard wondered how he could get out of this whole thing. Artie laughed a little bit so Elliot talked about how he breaks him up every time. He bragged about how he's been featured on the show over 162 times but Gary figured he was making that number up.
Elliot wanted to get his promotion in and do it the right way. Howard told him he can't let him do it the whole show like he's been doing every week. He told him the promotion is too long and he has to keep it short. Elliot said he will go to court and he thinks that he will win the case. Howard told him to do whatever he had to do.
Fred tried to get a word in with Elliot but Elliot said he doesn't even know this guy. Fred told Elliot that he has to buy a commercial if he wants the kind of promotion he wants. The two of them argued for a short time and Howard tried to calm them down. Elliot was all wound up and wouldn't calm down.
Gary threatened to send this tape to the DA's office so they could send Elliot to jail for threatening to kill him. Howard said that's extortion and it's a felony. Elliot was still threatening to kill them so Howard told him he'd had enough and he was going to let him go. He hung up on him and said that he just can't take that.
The guys spent a short time talking about Elliot's insanity. Howard said he thought that it would be kind of fun to have him play in the football pool. He said they told him he could have a quick plug, not a full blown commercial like he's been doing. Gary said they told him he could have a quick plug for his web site or phone number but he just goes on way too long. Howard said the threats were pretty scary as well so maybe it's time to just stop dealing with that guy.
A phone caller told Howard to avoid that guy at all costs because he is dangerous. Ralph called in and said it would be funny to see Elliot in court. Howard and Fred said that there's no way he would ever get into the courtroom.
Ralph also said that he was in Howard's car when he turned off the radio while Elliot was rambling one day. He got bored listening to his own show because Elliot was on rambling so much. Robin said that the guy is just crazy and you can't reason with crazy people.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that you have to leave it to Elliot to screw up an easy gig like that. He also didn't want Howard to give the spot to Eric the Midget. Another guy called in and said he would like to box Elliot because he drives him so nuts. Howard let him go and said that was the latest in the Elliot Offen saga.
Fred said that he gets a lot of mail when Elliot calls in and they hate the plugs he does. They also didn't want him being part of the football pool. Howard said that all good things must come to an end...
Howard was worn out from the Elliot phone call and he was going to play some Gary Garver interviews. Elliot called back in much calmer and wanted to talk to Howard in a reasonable way. Elliot said that this is his Mr. Hyde. He went into that crazy voice for a short time but went back to his calm voice.
Elliot said that they came to him at the last minute and asked him to shorten his promotion and he didn't think that was right. He said that they could have called him the day before to shorten it up instead. He thought that they could have come to a resolution if they had called the day before. Elliot said that he had everything laid out already because they didn't call him until 7:30am.
Elliot said that he doesn't need the trouble and he doesn't need to be enemies with him. He said that he would like to go through with this week's promotion and next week he will have it curtailed. Gary told him to define curtailed. He wanted a time from him. Elliot didn't want to deal with Gary so he asked Howard to tell him to shut up. Howard told him he thinks it would be easier if he just ended this and that he go to court to try and deal with it.
Howard offered Elliot one more chance to do something. Elliot was back to rambling without listening so Howard told him he had to hang up on him. Elliot wouldn't even listen to that because he was rambling so much so Howard let him go on a little more. He eventually stopped so Howard could give him the deal. Howard said he was going to take a commercial break now, then he had Bob Schimmel coming in. He said that Elliot was draining him...
Howard told Elliot that if he wanted to partake in this $25,000 pool, he has to limit his plug to 30 seconds and today he will take a break and after the break he will let him abbreviate his plug. He will let him take out the essential parts of the plug and get it out within 45 seconds. Howard told him if he can't do that then he has to let him go.
Elliot said that he will take him to court and he knows that he doesn't want to do that because he just got out of that mess with Moonves. Howard said he will go to court if he wants. Howard asked Elliot ''Deal or no deal?'' but Elliot was screaming again and not listening to anyone. Howard let him go and said ''Jesus Christ he's insane...'' He had to go to break after that.
Artie told Penny that the people on SFN have a new nickname for her... Senora Wacko. She then smashed the trophy that she had in there. Gary came in and told Howard that she has to sit next to Steve and she finds that fake trophy very upsetting. It has nothing to do with her, it was a joke award.
Gary also told Howard that Mike was on the line ready to play his game. Mike got on and tried to explain why he was having troubles of his own. He was up late and didn't get more than an hour of sleep. Mike had been drinking but said he wasn't drunk at the time. He said he's been drinking some Jack Daniels drink and was slurring his speech as he was telling them about it.
Howard asked Mike to do his thing to get that out of the way. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Jon Hein talked about what they had coming up on The Wrap Up Show today. They'll be talking about Elegant Elliot Offen and about KC and Miss Howard Stern's call this morning. They will also be talking about the Yankess and Mets fans on the show.
Howard moved on to Bob Schimmel who had been sitting there pretty quiet. Howard said he has no idea what was up with Penny Crone and he was so wiped out from Elliot Offen's call that he didn't know what to do. He asked that Elliot shorten up his plug and just get back into the football pool.
Howard asked Bob how he's doing. Bob said ''Not too good...'' He said that he and his new wife are having issues. Howard explained who Bob is and how funny he is as a comedian. He said Bob came on the show years ago and talked about his very interesting personal life. He's been divorced from his first wife 3 times and then ended up with one of his daughter's best friends who he married.
Bob had 4 kids with his first wife and 2 with his current wife. Bob said that he can't afford to get another divorce. He said he's very upset with her and she's going to be pissed that he's even talking about this. He said they moved a few weeks ago and she was supposed to take care of the move. She was taking pottery classes and the pottery teacher offered to help and save them some money.
Bob said that he agreed to let the guy do it. The guy showed up on a bicycle with a pony tail, smelling of Petrulli oil and wearing a t-shirt that said ''One Less SUV.'' Bob said that the guy was a little younger than him but older than his wife. She went with him to the old house to get the first load and then took a break for lunch. Bob said he had painters there with his kid hanging out. He said the guy was a vegan and started going into the whole discussion about giving the kid milk and stuff like that. Bob said he told the guy to just unload the fucking truck.
Bob ordered lunch for everyone so he ordered the guy some vegetarian meal but then walked out and fucked with him by asking him if he wanted some barbecued goat. The guy said that's his favorite thing. He went to the restaurant and found out they actually had it there. He got the goat for the guy and then the guy asked his wife had ever tried beaver. He figured the guy was hitting on her. Howard didn't think he had done anything wrong but Bob had some audio of his wife that he wanted Howard to play. Bob said he threw a recorder in the back of the truck and caught him telling her that he knew a place they could go to smoke some weed and look at the stars.
Bob said he told his wife this was going to happen but she didn't think it would. Bob also said that his nanny told him that she wasn't comfortable with him because he says inappropriate things when he's out of the room.
Howard told Bob that he's a little out of his mind with this and it's just jealousy from what he can tell. Bob said that this guy left his helmet and gloves there and he had a feeling it was a trick to get into the house. Howard said that every guy tries to hit on a married woman at some point. That doesn't mean that she's going to fall for him.
Howard asked Bob how often he's banging his wife. He said it's not all that often these days. Bob said he talked about this on stage in Vegas and someone came up to him and knew who the guy was. Howard wanted to drop the story at that point and dumped out of something that Bob had said. He said that the guy hasn't done anything wrong from what he can tell and his wife is being faithful. He said he seems to be carrying on like a lunatic on there.
Howard told Bob that he couldn't go there with his story and had to dump out of what they were talking about. He told Bob he was bailing on the story because he didn't want to hear more on the air. Howard told Bob that his wife hasn't done anything wrong at this point. He said it's just crazy talk and he has to stop.
Ralph had called in and said it sounds like the wife is messing around... Howard cut him off and said he has to get out of that conversation. He hung up on Ralph. He told Bob to just tell his wife not to hang out with this guy anymore if he doesn't like it. Bob said the guy asked his wife out in a car that his kids were in. He said he did do something wrong.
Howard told Bob that he's got an issue with his wife, not with the pottery guy. Bob said that his wife doesn't sound like she's uncomfortable with the guy's questions about hanging out with him so it's kind of disturbing to him. Robin and Artie were telling Bob that it sounds like his wife was trying to tell the guy to go away without just coming out and saying that.
Howard told Bob that his insanity will drive his wife into the arms of another man and that he's getting worked up over nothing. Bob agreed and said that Howard was right. Bob told Robin that he thought it was kind of crazy that the guy left his helmet in the house when the guy rides a bike for a living and he should have taken it with him that day.
Howard told Bob that his wife should stop seeing this guy completely because it bothers him so much. Bob said he did tell her it bothers him on the first day but she kept going. Artie said he would be aggravated just like Bob is. Howard said he'd be the same way but he can't take it out on this guy.
Howard asked Bob if he has a pre-nup. Bob said he didn't have anything to pre-nup so he doesn't have one. Howard took a call from a guy who said he had this happen to him but it was a neighbor. He ended up catching her screwing the guy. The guy said it took a month or so before he was able to catch them. Howard said that Bob taped his wife and found out she wasn't doing anything wrong. The caller said his marriage ended in divorce and life is wonderful now so it worked out for him.
Bob said he wanted to end this conversation because if they can't talk about the whole thing, they can't come to the same conclusion. Bob then revealed that his wife and this guy were goofing on him as he was driving behind them. He said that they were laughing about him in the car so it wasn't just a matter of having sex with the guy, it was that this guy has bad intentions and he wants her to tell him to leave. She won't do it though.
Bob said that his 15 year old just got a tattoo and had to lie to get it done. He said his parents were over visiting and noticed the belly piercing so he had to explain it to them. His father wanted to go down to the tattoo guy and talk to him about it.
Howard gave Bob a plug for his web site RobertSchimmel.com and took some more phone calls for him. One guy said he's seen Bob out on the town with his wife and she seems to be looking around at guys but she's just looking. He said that Bob is a great guy but Dice Clay is a scumbag. Artie knew this guy because he called him at his hotel room one night when he was out there. This guy, RJ, says that Dice owes him money and he's the biggest scumbag around. Howard let that guy vent for a short time.
Howard had to hit the delay again after Fred asked Bob another question about this pottery guy touching his kids. Bob said that the guy just touches his kids like he knows them but it comes across as creepy to him because the guy is a stranger.
Artie talked about that guy who had just called in and how found him at his hotel at 3am the night he was supposed to get up early. Howard got back to Bob and said he understands that he might be in a jealous rage but he doesn't know if there's anything going on with this guy.
Bob talked more about how his wife and this guy were laughing at him. He said that the guy seems to be a phony because he was drinking a vanilla shake and driving an SUV even though he was wearing a t-shirt that read ''One Less SUV.''
Bob gave Howard his home phone number so they could call his wife Melissa and get her on the air. They spent a few more minutes talking about all of this stuff before Melissa got on the phone. She didn't have any idea what was going on, she just woke up.
Artie asked Melissa to roll over and ask the pottery guy what was going on. Howard got into the story about Bob taping her in the truck. He said that he knows that's not right but she shouldn't have been making fun of her husband and should have been in the car with Bob instead. She said there is nothing going on with that pottery guy. Howard asked her to give Bob a break and stop seeing the pottery guy. She said she has stopped going to the pottery classes since that day so she has stopped. Howard asked Bob what the fuck the problem is then.
Melissa said that she hasn't told the guy that it's the end of her pottery classes. She didn't want to make a big issue out of it. Bob seems to think that she should make a big deal out of it. Melissa said that she's giving up the pottery thing and she doesn't know what else to do to prove that she loves him.
Bob said that he predicted all of this on the first day and no one would listen to him. Howard told Bob that he knows there are guys out there who have a crush on his girlfriend. He just deals with it. Melissa seems to be in love with Bob and Howard can't see that anything is wrong.
Howard asked Melissa why she's not having sex with Bob. She said it wasn't that long ago that she did it with him though. It was just over a week or so ago. She's flying into New York today to see him and she's not bringing the kids. Bob was starting to clam up at this point. He said he was being accused of being paranoid and this was all in his head but it's really not.
Artie asked Melissa if the guy was making fun of Bob in the car and she was going along with it. She said that she just let it roll off of her instead of making a big deal out of his appropriate comments. She said she probably should have done something but she just wanted to get through the move that day. She already knew that Bob was pissed off that day and just wanted to get through it all.
Melissa claims that she knew nothing about this stuff and thinks that Bob was setting her up to take the fall. She said that the pottery guy wasn't saying anything to her, he was making comments to other people. Bob didn't care if Melissa came to New York today. Bob was still upset about the things that she said on the tape. Melissa told Howard that this has been going on since September 1st, that's when they moved.
Howard said he understands that Bob is upset that she didn't stick up for him in the car, but he can't screw up this marriage over this one thing. She's given up the pottery thing and she's not interested in the guy. Howard told Bob to figure this out and not screw it up. He said that he's going to drive her further away and end the whole thing.
Howard asked Bob what he's going to do. Bob said he's doing press all day. Melissa said that she's coming no matter what. She said she will be there at 9pm tonight. Howard said that Bob was happy about that, he was smiling. Bob gave a sarcastic ''Yeah...'' when Howard said that he was smiling. Bob said he never said that she did anything with this guy, he was upset about the comments that Melissa and the pottery guy made in the truck. He was also upset that they didn't get him anything from McDonalds when they stopped there.
Melissa said she didn't know that Bob wanted anything. She stopped because her blood sugar was low and she needed something to eat right away. She claims they were very close to the house so she didn't think it was going to be a problem.
Melissa said that Bob seems to be getting pissed off at her all over again and she can't figure that out. Bob said that if his bike was over at some other girl's house, she would be right over there to get it. He said he offered to go get her bike for her from this guy's house. She claims that never happened.
Bob said that he was editing some video the other day and ran across the audio on his computer. He said he heard it all over again and that pissed him off. He said that she should have stopped the guy from talking about him the way he was. Melissa said that Bob lets his ex-wife talk about her calling her ''the other person'' instead of his wife. She said that he doesn't stick up for her so both of them are at fault. Bob said that he's got kids with his ex-wife, she's not just some woman he took pottery classes with.
Howard asked Bob what would make him happy. Bob said that he'd be happy if he was told that the comedy club was sold out tonight. Howard then gave him a plug for the Gotham Comedy Club gig he's got tonight.
Howard asked how he could end this discussion. Melissa said she's coming to New York no matter what. Artie asked her what time the pottery guy is driving her to the airport. She didn't seem to think that was very funny. Howard asked Bob to say something to Melissa. Bob said ''Yeah, I love her...'' but it didn't come across as very sincere. Howard wished Melissa luck with Bob. Bob said that his feelings were hurt by what he heard on the tape. He said she should have defended him.
Melissa told Bob that she just laughed off the jokes that the pottery guy was telling. Bob didn't think that was right either. He said the guy was talking about how he looked like a cue ball in the rear view mirror and she just laughed it off. Robin said she gives them 3 more years before the marriage is over. Bob said he might not even be alive in 3 more years.
After Melissa got off the phone, Bob said that she's full of shit. He figured that she didn't have a radio on so she wouldn't hear that. He talked about how she should have defended him and said something to the guy about how that's her husband and he can't joke about him like that.
Howard gave Bob some more plugs but then Bob said that the one thing he had with his ex-wife is that no one else wanted to fuck her. Artie got a laugh out of that comment. Howard told Bob that there is no resolution to this whole thing. He had to go to break after that.
Robin said she figures that Bob would score even higher than she did in that narcissist test they took earlier this week. Bob came back a short time later and said that he's 57 years old and he can't go that long without taking a piss.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard wished Bob luck with his marriage. He gave him a couple of plugs for his comedy show. Artie also mentioned that if everything goes alright, his face will be the last you see before the World Series started. That'll be on Saturday night. Robin said she's going to be cleaning out her garage this weekend. Howard wished Fred a good weekend and ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started off the show doing his morning zoo deejay impression talking about ''the weekend baby.'' He and Robin had some fun goofing on those types of morning guys for a short time. Howard moved on to talk about his left eye bothering him and how he thought it might be cancer or something. He then said that they'd be doing a Dial-A-Date and playing some Stuttering John clips. He said they'd also be contacting Elvis.
Howard said that he had been reading a book about Johnny Carson that was pretty interesting. He told Robin about some of the things he read in the book. Gary had also read some of the book and got in on the conversation. Howard said that the book was worth a read and all of the stuff that Carson did on The Tonight Show was scripted, even the ad-libs that were supposedly off the cuff.
Howard said it was really weird to read about some of the stuff that went on with Carson taking over the tonight show. Merv Griffin was second in line for that show and Howard thinks that he would have been just as successful as Carson was. The book was ''King of the Night: The Life of Johnny Carson.''
Howard and the guys talked about the pictures in the book and how they came from a guy who turned on Johnny after getting screwed over. The author was able to get the interviews for the book from other people that Johnny screwed over according to Howard.
Howard also brought up how older people seem to talk less than younger ones. He said his father used to talk a lot more than he does now. He said his father used to do whole radio shows for his guests when he'd entertain. That led to Howard talking about how he spends time talking to Gary every night before the show to prepare for it. He said he kind of zones out once in a while though. Gary said that Howard will be yessing him and all of a sudden he'll notice that Oprah is on and point that out to him. Howard had to take his first break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about a bit he did in Washington DC where he got into some trouble for something he said about the 14th Street Bridge airplane crash. Howard said he wasn't joking around when he made that call back then, he was being serious when he asked the airline if they were going to sell him a one way ticket to the bridge. He said no one thought it was out of line at the time, everyone thought he was fired over that incident but that wasn't the reason.
The caller Howard had on the line told Howard that the signal down in Washington was awful. Howard said he's spoken to the manager down there and he doesn't like that he complains about that signal. He said that's probably the reason his ratings weren't higher than they were.
Howard took another call from a guy who did his Mr. Magoo impression which led to Howard talking about Billy West and how he was auditioning for the part of a Mr. Magoo remake that was being worked on. He said Billy hadn't head back about the audition yet.
Howard talked about how MTV needed some work with their hosts. He said the graphics and videos were fine but some of the other stuff they do on that channel were kind of lame. Howard said they were running some local commercials on that channel which made MTV seem really lame. Howard said that Jackie's wife Nancy was in one commercial and he wasn't even sure what it was all about. Jackie said he didn't even know what the commercial was for. Jackie said it was for some loan company or something. Even Jackie wasn't exactly sure what it was for.
Gary talked about one show they were doing on MTV with a couple of the VJs over there. He said the show was really lame. They also talked about some of the good looking VJs over there. Gary mentioned one girl who was hot for Howard. Howard said he had to move on to some other things after taking a break.
Howard booted Scott out after he fixed the echo and then went into his Elvis impression. Robin told Elvis that he sounds young. Elvis said that he was very upset about that idiot who was messing with the echo chamber. He went on to tell Robin about how he likes Cajun food because it's blackened... just like Priscilla likes her men. Elvis also talked about his mother and how much he loved that lump on the back of her neck.
Elvis also said that they have a nickname for his mama... Pig. He talked about his baby brother that died before he was born and how he's up in heaven with him. Elvis asked Jackie to hook him up with some drugs and rattled off a list of drugs that he needed.
Elvis said he wanted to stop all of the nonsense about how he died after a drug overdose and banging his head on a toilet. He said he was just getting a drink of water when he hit his head. He also had a song that he had written to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme. It was about this woman who was lost at sea and had to drink her own pee.
Elvis and Robin talked about his family and what's going on with them. Elvis had a bunch of jokes about that woman who was stuck on the boat and had to drink her pee. He had a ton of those jokes to tell. Not too long after that they lost Elvis and Howard came back and then went to commercial break.
After a couple of minutes of that Howard had Robin do some news reports. Robin read a news story about Louis Palonia which led to Howard taking a call from Louis (Fred) who was talking about the story that Robin had read. Howard spent just a short time with that bit before having Robin get to more news stories. After reading a bunch of stories Howard took another break.
Howard had Jed in and everyone laughed when they saw the way he looked. Howard said ''Jm J Bullock move over...'' Howard asked Jed if that's a gay look or what. Jed said that he's not gay, he just woke up looking like that. Howard asked Robin if that was the gayest thing she's ever seen. Howard described Jed a little bit and goofed on him.
Jed said he's impressed that Howard can do his show being himself. Howard asked him if his hair was really long or something. Jed let his hair down and he looked more normal according to Howard. Howard asked whose idea it was to bring him in there.
Howard talked to Jed about the ratings out in L.A. and why they don't put his show on at the right time. He was goofing on Jed's voice which sounded like Jack Nicholson on ludes according to him. He asked Jed how he got the job at the radio station that he had. Jed told him how he did an internship and got the evening shift after that. He's been waiting for a full time job since then.
Howard found out that Jed's real name was Edwin Fish Gould III... So he uses his real Fish name. Howard wrapped up with Jed a short time later and let him go. Howard asked him to please not touch him when he asked to shake his hand. Jed also said that he was in town for a The Cure concert that was taking place at a stadium. Howard said he hopes that he'd be the morning man out there in L.A. Sometime soon. After Jed mentioned Mel's (Karmazin) name, Howard told him it was time for him to leave as if he wasn't supposed to mention that name on the air.
Howard and the guys goofed on Jed a little bit after he left because of the goofy hair he had. They also goofed on him for liking The Cure and over that strange voice he has. Gary told Howard that Jed showed up in a stretch limo which surprised Howard.
Gary told Howard that 'Gina Man wasn't going to be showing up because he was in the hospital. He was ''backed up'' and has scar tissue in his urinary tract so he was in the hospital over that. Howard said he guesses that he can let him off if he's in that bad condition. They had to take another commercial break after that.
Howard moved on to play some clips of some interviews that Stuttering John did. He was at a Ron Delzner press conference and questioned him about a bunch of goofy things. Ron answered the questions very seriously and didn't seem to want to joke around. John also asked Henry Stern, the New York parks commissioner, some questions. After he asked those questions John said that he hates his job.
Howard said that John created a bit about how they hire the handicapped so he played that. In the bit they say that John is their handicapped employee of the month. Howard took another break after that.
Howard said he was reading the Johnny Carson book and started to feel guilty about not spending more time with his own kids so that's when he got down on the floor and played with Debra. He said it was a typical night for him. He was trying to watch Entertainment Tonight and read that book.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he's been listening for 3 years and wondered who he thinks his best guest was. Howard said it was Pat Cooper and Sam Kinison. Another caller told Howard that his show is really boring because he does the same stuff over and over again every day.
The caller told Howard that he should try to be more creative. Howard hung up on the guy and said that if he doesn't like it then he should turn it off. He said he can't please anyone. He created a couple of new bits after people told him he wasn't coming up with enough and still people complain. Howard called the guy a dick and said he hates guys like that.
Howard said he's not going to create any more bits after that phone call. He said he's going to play music instead. He said that maybe they should listen to the Zookeeper in Philly to see what he's doing. He played some bits off of his album and said he's not afraid to play them because they're so bad. The bit he played was painfully boring and unfunny. Howard said the guy had some delivery and he reminded him of A. Whitney Brown from Saturday Night Live. Howard also pointed out that this was ''the best'' of the Zookeeper's bits.
Howard wondered how people stayed tuned to those lame bits. He said that the guy should have put some effort into the bit because it was really horrible. He had to take another commercial break after that.
Howard played some other awful bits from the album and goofed on them. There was one bit with a backwards message in it so Howard pretended to figure it out and said it was the guy saying ''I lost my wig.''
Howard had Robin try to perform the song parody to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song that they were trying out earlier. Robin sang it but Howard didn't seem to think it was all that much better than what he did. Gary thought that might have been the worst musical performance on the show in a while and she might win an F-Emmy for that.
Howard was messing around with his board and found a strange signal coming through from a radio station or something. He spent a short time listening to that and pretending to fall asleep while listening to it. Edgar Winter was being interviewed on the feed and he got really bored by it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told Howard to put out an album of his own because he's got some great bits to put on it. Howard said he couldn't imagine doing that with the bits that he does on the show. He's not into that Zookeeper type of stuff. The caller said he taped the Woodstock Minute bit that Howard did and played it for some friends of his who loved it.
Howard hung up on the guy a short time later and then asked Fred to perform that song parody that Robin had attempted a short time before. Fred sang the song and ended up screwing it up just like Howard and Robin did. He said he was trying to run his sound effects at the same time though so it wasn't so easy. Howard said that was Fred's real voice and they had never heard that before. He was actually Fred doing Fred and not doing some other voice. They had to go to break after that.
Howard sang a new song parody to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme. This time it was about Fred but it didn't go through the whole song. He went through a couple minutes of that and then moved on to some audio clips from the Larry King Show with Jessica Hahn.
Howard played some of Jessica's interview with Larry and goofed on her about not just answering the questions. He said that Jessica has way too much going on in her head. He said she goes into every single detail about her relationship with Sam Kinison instead of just telling Larry she doesn't like the guy. Jessica said that Sam was useless to her and she was done with him.
Howard seemed to think that Jessica was digging everything that was going on with Sam, she just didn't want to admit it. He said he could probably whip Jessica into shape but she won't listen to him. He talked to his agent about her but she wanted to do everything on her own. Howard had to take a break in the middle of the Jessica tapes. He said he'd get back to them after the break.
Howard got back to the Larry King interview with Jessica Hahn clips he started playing before the break. Howard ran out of clips to play after a short time and ended up going off on Gary about not pulling all of the clips he wanted him to pull. Gary thought he had pulled everything that Howard wanted him to but Howard insisted he asked for more.
Gary said he was pretty sure he didn't screw up but Howard said he did. Howard said that Jessica said that she loves him at one point but Gary didn't pull that. Gary said he would bring in the tape the next week if he wanted him to pull those clips.
Howard read an article about Jessica and how she wanted to have a baby. Howard said he was thinking of having him, Fred, Jackie, Gary and John all donate their sperm so they could inject her with all of their greatest traits. He read more of the article where Jessica talked about how she would like to find a man and have that baby. She set a deadline of 1990 for having a baby and if she didn't, she would get artificially inseminated.
In the article Jessica went off on Sam Kinison for not paying her for doing his video and then just disappearing from her life. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard went on to play ''One Question and One Question Only.'' He took a call from a guy who asked if they're trying to track down Denny Terrio. Howard said that Gary did track him down and they found out he's still alive. He had Gary come back into the studio to ask him about that. He took another call in the mean time. A caller asked Howard to pass his number along to Jessica Hahn for him. That led to Howard talking about how some woman had asked him to pass a note to Pat Cooper because she was willing to get a hug and a cuddle from him. A woman called in and asked who is more ticklish, Howard or Jessica. Howard wasn't able to answer that one so the woman hung up.
Howard said he was thinking of hiring a court stenographer to write down everything they say so they could have a transcripts of the show. He wasn't sure how those stenographers do that stuff with that little machine they type on. He said they get every word and even accents in their reports. Howard asked Fred if he knows how that works. Fred said all he knows is that it takes a long time to learn that machine. Howard said he was tempted to call one but he'd wait until the week after.
Gary came in and said that they had a woman on the phone who went to school to become a court stenographer. She told Howard that there were like 16 keys on the machine and you do it in a combination that will spell out words. Howard said that has to be impossible. She said that she hated the class she went to and would cut out of it all the time. She said she was only 18 years old at the time so she wasn't into it. Howard asked her what they pay for a good court stenographer. She said it was probably over $50,000 so Howard figured that wouldn't work. She also said that you have to have someone who can read stenographer notes to type them out.
Howard said there's no way Tom (Chiusano) would spring for that. He said he only wants the person to write about what he and Robin say, not what everyone else is saying. The woman said the classes were tough for her and she just took the class to kill some time.
Howard said it would be cool if they had a transcript of the show each day. He thought it would be really cool. The caller said that she could type up the show as it went along. Howard wanted to test her out by having her type up one show and send it in. He didn't want her taping it and sending it in though. She said that she could do that but she has friends who might be better than her.
The woman knew Gary after he met her one time. Gary remembered who she was and said she was kind of attractive but he didn't try to sleep with her or anything like that. Howard let the woman go after that.
Howard talked about the Oprah Winfrey show he had watched the day before and how strange the subject matter was. He said that Oprah was crying over what was being discussed during the show. Howard also mentioned that he got $536 for doing an appearance on David Letterman's show and he gets like $300 or so for the reruns as well. He said he made like over $4,000 for his Letterman appearances the year before.
Howard asked Gary if deejay Meg Griffin was there because he wanted to play her some tape. Meg came in a short time later. Howard told her that she seems to be much less uptight and much softer. He also said he liked the red that she put in her hair. She said she was trying to get it back to her natural color which was more like Howard's color.
Howard told Meg she seems much sexier and she was more of a woman than she was in the past. He told her she should start to grow her nails out. He said she was kind of flipping out when she saw his wife and her friends stop in a few weeks before. She doesn't get all dressed up like they were.
Howard eventually scared Meg off and she was about to walk out on him. He told her how hot he thought she was. He said he would have loved to have had a girl that cute when he was in high school. Meg said that Howard was much different when they first met and worked together at another radio station (WRNW). Howard said Meg got mad at him after she left that station and he stuck around.
Howard wanted to know what attracted Meg to her man. She said they just hit it off and things worked out for them. Howard told her to relax because she was kind of getting upset with the line of questioning.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Meg before wrapping up the show. The show was over by 10:00am (on 10/20/06, the show may have gone longer back in 1989)