|Friday||This Week On E!|
Howard welcomed back Fred this morning after he was out a couple of days last week. Howard said that Sal tried to fill in for him but it wasn't as easy as he thought it would be. Fred said that's not what the e-mail says though but Sal did pick out the e-mail he passed along to him. Howard said that it was a tough couple of days for Fred because his father died last week. Fred said that they buried his father last week and he's gone to get his ''great reward'' whatever that may be. He said that his mother is pretty shaky right now but there was plenty of family around to keep her going. Fred said that he was even thinking of moving his mother into the city for a little while to take care of her. Howard suggested sending her to Robin's house to spend some time. Robin said ''what?'' in a very surprised way and didn't seem to think that would be a good idea. Fred had some fun goofing on her a little bit and did his impression of Robin a little bit. Robin suggested that Howard put Fred's mother up in one of his many houses instead. Fred said she'll be fine and they don't need to put her in anyone's house.
Howard talked to Fred about where his mother lives and how there isn't all that much in the area. Fred said they just got a 24 hour Wal-Mart recently and there's not much else around. Fred said he did just learn that there's a big biker bar in the area too. He told a story about how his grandfather would take them to a bar and he'd leave them out in the car for a few hours while he went in to drink. He and his mother would sit in the car and wait for him to come out. Sometimes it would be up to 3 hours. Sometimes he would just go in for a quick ''belt'' and come out after a short time. Howard said he wishes that he could be like that and go drink without a care in the world. He actually looked up to Artie when he passed out and had to be wheeled around in a wheel chair.
Fred said that if anyone wants to help out they should donate to the American Heart Association in the name of his father, Louis Norris. He said that his father had a pace maker but he ended up passing out and died in the kitchen while making dinner last week. He was in shaky health for quite a while but it was still a bit of a surprise. Fred said they had him on life support for a while but they decided to take him off. He was 72 years old and Fred said he didn't look 72. Fred thought he looked about 60 even in the condition he was in. He said his mother was married to the guy for 37 years and just celebrated their anniversary a couple of weeks ago.
Howard mentioned that his agent Don and his wife just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary recently. He wondered how he made that work. Fred said that Don doesn't go home that much.
Gary asked Richard if he got those girls on Friday night who were on the show. Richard said nothing happened and one of the girls actually flew home on Friday. The other girl had a friend over and didn't even want to come over and hang out with him. He went back to their hotel with them but he couldn't get anything off of them. She told him she was tired and blew him off even though he did his best. Gary thinks that they got on the air and that was all they wanted. Richard blew off the chance to go see Stryper that night so he was kind of bummed about that. Howard couldn't believe Richard couldn't make this happen for the second night in a row. He spent one night hanging out with them before they were on the show. Richard tried to show Howard what he did with the girls and demonstrated on Gary by kissing his ear. Howard said that he actually got more off of Gary than he did from the girl. Richard thought the woman was pretty hot but Howard said that she should have been obtainable because she wasn't all that hot.
Howard said that there was a good fight on Saturday night and talked about how there have been a couple of deaths in the ring lately. That didn't happen over the weekend but there have been a couple of guys who have been punched so much that they just end up dying after the fight. He and the guys spent a minute on that and Richard gave them a tape of the Russian guy from the fight this weekend where he made a slip up and said Blow J***s while talking about his win. The clip was bleeped and Richard didn't know why they did that. Howard told him they can't say that on the air and when he was explaining it, the delay button was hit. Howard said that he wishes they were over at the new place already so they could play the clip without interruption. He said there's going to be a lot of angry words said on those channels over there. Howard is working on two channels for SIRIUS and they'll be adding a third later on.
Howard got Shuli on the line because he was out at the Scores in Las Vegas. Shuli said that place was unreal and he could live there because it's so nice. He said it looked like a shopping mall because it was so big. Ronnie said they had about 250 girls there for the weekend. Ronnie said that they have a marble staircase that leads up to a second floor. Shuli thought that all of the girls looked good too. Gary said there's different levels there and you can eventually work your way up to a Presidential sweet that's really private. Shuli said they even have a piano player there and girls will strip to the piano. Gary said that Tabitha Stevens was there and dancing to the piano stuff. He said that she's had more plastic surgery and asked him not to kiss her face because she'd just had her cheek implants moved. Shuli said that the only bad thing about the piano bar is when a drunken stripper gets up there and starts asking the piano player to play Mozart and stuff.
Gary said he asked Dave Navarro if he wanted to go to Scores with him but Dave had to ask his wife Carmen Electra if it was okay. Since he was going there with Gary, it wasn't a problem. Gary thought it was cool that Dave used his name to make things easier for him to get to Scores. Gary said that Ronnie was the one doing most of the talking at the grand opening and it took some pressure off of him. Doug Goodstein and Mike Gange were out there taping some stuff for Lonnie from Scores but they don't even have a TV show to put it on at this point. Gary said their friend Ross was out there so Gary wondered how he can do that after being married just a few weeks. He had to cut the guys off so he could take a break but he said he'd get to more stories later.
Ronnie wanted to tell a story but Howard didn't want to hear him speak since his voice was shot. Gary said he's pretty sure he could tell the story. He said they were at this Tao club out there for Janet Jackson's boyfriend Germaine Dupree. They were at the party for a short time and Gary had to go to the bathroom. He said it was really tough to move around because there were 400 pound black men blocking people from going certain places. He wasn't able to get to the bathroom because there were 2 guys blocking the room. They were blocking the area because Ashante was using the bathroom all by herself. The guys spent a short time talking about how angry those guys are. Gary said he saw Joe Jackson and Nelly hanging out at the party. Gary also said that he saw Germaine Dupree there which is unusual for someone like that to actually show up to the party. Paris Hilton also showed up to the party and walked in as if she owned the place. Gary said he made an appearance at Beachers Madhouse the night before and Paris made an appearance and had even less to say than he did. She didn't have any act at all. Gary said she got up on a speaker at the Germaine Dupree party and started dancing for the crowd.
Tara Reid was also there and Gary said that people were whispering about what a mess she is these days. He tried to watch her show ''Taradise'' on E! and it's just Tara and her friends killing time during the day before they can go out and get drunk that night. Gary told Howard that they were hanging out with a friend of a friend out there and his one goal was to meet Paris Hilton but he could never get close enough to her to actually meet her. Howard said that when he goes to parties like that he gets assigned a couple of big black guys to do security for him but sometimes no one will come up to him. He has to ask the guys to at least let some chicks come up to him to say hello. Then they'll start letting some dudes come up to him instead. Howard had to take another commercial break not too long after that.
Howard said he feels bad for Lil Kim the rapper because when they sent her to jail they chopped up her hair and made a mess out of it by leaving some of it long and some short. He read some stories where other prisoners commented on how she's being treated just like any other prisoner. Howard said that he'll never break the law because he doesn't want any part of being in jail. Gary told Howard that Lil Kim was supposed to be sent to a jail that was pretty easy going but at the last minute they booked her to go to a really hard core place instead. They took her clothes and stuck her in the prison clothes so she looked like quite a mess.
George told Howard some stories about being mistaken as a worker on the lot of his own TV show. One time a woman asked him to pick up some chairs and move them and there was another time he was running out to get his car and a woman thought he was the valet looking for her car. George told Howard about how he has joined a country club and an older woman asked him to pull a wheel chair out for him because she thought he worked there. He figured she was talking to another guy and didn't bother getting one. When he came walking around the corner again, she asked him to get it once again. He said he cursed her out in Spanish after the second time.
Howard asked George about his TV show and found out that this is the fourth season for him and at the end of the season they go to syndication and make even more money. George said it won't be Seinfeld money but Howard thinks he'll do fine. Robin said that the show could do even better than it does in prime time, you never know. Howard said he heard that George has a slot machine out in Vegas so George talked about that a little bit. He said he get a little bit of the money that comes in through those machines. He's not sure they're even reporting what he makes truthfully or not but he has to take their word for it.
Howard read that George was kicked out of his house by his wife one time and she had already packed up his stuff by the time he got home. He said she even packed up his stuff in his car so he could get out of there. George said he was leading a double life at the time drinking and staying out all night. Howard said he can't do anything like that now since his wife gave her one of her kidneys. George said he has to carry around a piece of his wife with him all the time now so he can't get away from her. He told Howard about how tough it was living on his own for that time he was kicked out of the house. He eventually had to clean himself up and stopped drinking to get back in the house. His wife made him stay at the house all day with their daughter but she'd kick him out once it got dark. He said that at one point he went out and bought a Porsche 997 which cost him about $120,000 and his wife found out about it and confronted him on it. He and his wife got into a fight over it the day he was doing an Emmy Award show but it was the Emmys for ''Best Gaffer'' and things like that. He didn't seem too thrilled about that. George was telling Howard he's not a big fan of the Emmy Awards in general because it's just white people giving awards to other white people for being on TV. Howard said there really aren't that many Mexican guys on TV these days. That led to George talking about Erik Estrada who is now on TV selling property on Mexican TV and how his career keeps falling down.
George talked about his feud with Carlos Mencia who George claims has stolen some of his material in the past. He said that Carlos pretends to be Mexican but he's not sure that he actually is. George got pissed at him and punched him at a comedy club at one point because he was sick of him stealing his stuff. Howard thought that George was the type of guy who wanted to see other Hispanic guys in the business but George said that's not true, he doesn't want to see anyone make it without struggling like he did. Howard gave George a plug for his TV show that has it's premiere this week. George said that he won't be appearing at Grand Central Station like the cast of ''How I Met Your Mother'' will be doing this Thursday. Howard read the notes he had on that and how he was actually thinking of going down to meet them since he liked the show. George said that's pretty low to have to go out and do promotion like that. George told Howard that his show is up against Martha Stewart's ''Apprentice'' and shows like ''Still Standing'' on CBS and ''That 70s Show'' on FOX.
Artie said he remembers working on the Norm Show years ago and hearing that Bruce Helford had a meeting with Sandra Bullock and it turned out to be the deal she was working with George. Sandra produces the show and it's the first one she ever produced. It's still on the air so George thinks that it worked out pretty good for her. Howard asked George about what he thinks is going on with Bruce Willis, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how it could be a mother thing for Ashton and how George dated a woman who was 13 years older than he was at one time. George said that the woman he dated wasn't even hot. Howard wrapped up with George after that and gave him plugs for the ''The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D'' DVD and George's comedy CD Why You Crying?.'' They went to commercial after that.
Gary is thinking about doing an F-Emmy category that's ''Best Sal Sex Story'' because he has so many to tell on the air these days. Sal was out in Cleveland over the weekend with Richard and Craig Gass. Sal and Richard stayed in the same room because they were getting up at 5 in the morning to fly out of there. Richard passed out and Sal decided it was time to pleasure himself but he wouldn't have anything to clean himself up with after doing that. Howard thinks that Sal should divorce his wife and marry Richard because this sounds so gay to him. Sal said that he decided to do his business in the same bed that Richard was in, he just turned the other way and did it. Howard told him that it's really gay to do that in the same bed like that. As he was telling this story the delay was hit at least one time. Gary wanted to take over because he thought Sal might get into trouble. Sal said he could do it and talked about how he did that, cleaned up his hands by wiping it on his shirt. Sal was saying that he had a connecting room but didn't want to just walk 10 feet to go to his own room. Sal ended up leaving the shirt behind so Craig Gass saw it laying there, picked it up and put it in his suitcase. Right now Sal's soiled shirt is in Craig's suitcase and he doesn't know it. Sal was laughing his ass off as he told the story. Howard wanted them to get in touch with Craig to find out where he was and if he still had the shirt in his suitcase.
Howard said that he was watching TV with Beth last night. He told Beth that his ''nads were blue'' so he was trying to hint to her that he needed it from her. Beth wasn't all that into it but he pulled down his pants anyway and hoped that she'd get the hint. He figured that he was looking all sexy for her but she really wasn't into it. Then she started to fall asleep so he decided to just pleasure himself in bed. She said that was fine so that's just what he did. She woke up this morning and wondered if that actually happened last night. He told her ''Yeah, it did!'' kind of rubbing it in that she wasn't willing to help him out last night. Sal thought that was pretty awesome that he'd do that and admit to it. Howard said that he would never do that in bed with another man like Sal did though. He and Gary talked about how they could never do something like that. Gary told him that he would go to a different floor to do something like that, not the same room or even the room next door.
Howard wondered how much they can make from selling raccoon. Richard said a pound of meat is probably about two bucks or so. Howard said he should open up a restaurant where they sell that stuff. He thought that raccoon's were big carriers of rabies. Richard said he thinks they are but cooking them must get rid of it or something. Gary said that Richard's family seems to eat just like the Beverly Hillbillies. Howard asked him how much he thinks his father makes now. Richard said when his father worked on the railroad, he was making about $12 an hour. He's not sure what kind of money he makes now though. He told the guys about some of the other weird stuff that he's eaten and said that the black people out in Kansas really do like the raccoon meat. He said that one raccoon could feed a family of 4 for a couple of meals. Howard said that they really should go visit Richard's parents out there to see what they're up to. He replayed the voice mail that his father left for him and said that it must cost him a fortune to call him from Kansas.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls and one guy told him how much the show is getting chopped up these days whenever they talk about something sexual. The guy said that it's really depressing and he can't wait for them to move to the new place. Howard said they're going to have two channels devoted to the show and they'll have their own little universe there. Richard told Howard that his father will also go out and set these ''limb lines'' to catch stuff and he remembers going out as a kid and how much of a surprise it would be when he'd pull something up out of the water. Howard said that his father should be growing pot instead of selling 'coon meat and pelts. Richard said that's a big business out there in Kansas but his parents don't do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who had some kind words for Fred about his father. He also said that the Blues Traveler cover of The Beetlejuice Song borrowed a little too much from the other Beetlejuice song. Howard said that they had Leslie West lay down some new guitar tracks to the Beetlejuice song ''I Don't Know'' so he was going to play that going into break. Howard said that this song is his favorite and likes the part where he sings ''I look like a kango I livin on a hango'' and ''I look like a kango cause I look like a gigalo.'' He played the song with the new Leslie West guitar tracks and it made the song even that much better. Sing along...
I don't know cause I look good
But I feel like get laid
I don't know cause I look good
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
Beetle know what he get when he wants
I look like a kango I livin on a hango
I look like a kango cause I look like a gigalo
Howard went to commercial break after playing the song.
Doug was out in Vegas over the weekend so he was still all worked up. Howard said that Doug sent him a clip from an old E! show where Jenna Jameson did a nude massage and they'll be able to show that on In Demand uncensored. Doug was going to post the clip on the In Demand web site but they have to blur it for that. He thought they were going to use it as promotional video but Doug said it will be a commercial so it's not going to be uncensored as a commercial. Howard wasn't even sure what ''In Demand'' and ''On Demand'' was. Doug said that In Demand will be producing On Demand Howard Stern programming. You can find out more information at InDemand.com. Doug said that he wanted to use some pictures to post on the In Demand web site but Howard isn't even sure if he can give the pictures to him. Doug said they have about 50,000 tapes to go through for the past 11 years of shows that they taped for E!. He has to go through and rebuild each show to make it uncensored so that takes a lot of time. Howard said they have one show where Beetlejuice had a carrot stuck in his rear and that never made it to air at all. Doug said that's the kind of stuff they can have on In Demand. He's busy going back to put in the stuff they had to cut out that never made it to the air. There won't be any blurring or censoring going on.
Zolar called in and said that he can't wait for all of this stuff to happen. Howard said he has wild ideas for all of these shows he's working on now. Doug told him that he's a revolution. Zolar asked Doug if he's going to play the Lesbian Sisters show that he was featured on. Doug said they will be putting that one up along with many others. Doug thinks that Howard will love the new graphics and opening. Howard told Zolar he has plans for him over at SIRIUS. He also has plans for Captain Janks who was on the phone next. He said he doesn't want to say what the ideas are at this point but he's going to tell him off the air so no one hears it. Robin said it would be great to have Janks playing his favorite calls for everyone on his own show. Janks suggested that they send a camera crew out to Richard's family's house to get the racoon hunt on tape. Robin said they could do a lot of stuff like that out there. Janks was also saying that the rabies is not cooked out if you kill a rabid raccoon and cook it like Richard said earlier in the show. Howard told Janks that it'll be a little bit of time before he contacts him. Artie told him that's code for ''he's never calling you back.''
Doug Goodstein said that they have a bunch of the old crew returning to work on the new TV show. They have Richie Wilson, Isaac Marks, Mike Gange and Scott DePace back to work on the show. High Pitch Eric called in and asked Howard to reopen his message board when he moves to SIRIUS. Howard told him he won't need that because he'll have a ''bulletin board on radio'' that he'll be able to go to instead. Eric said he'll be there.
Mike Gange came in to tell Howard how much he likes working on Howard's show and how he doesn't try to get any credit for the work he does. Howard told Mike that he really has turned into a good worker and ''a talent, a big fat talent.'' King of All Blacks called in and asked Howard a couple of questions about In Demand and SIRIUS but Howard didn't want to do any commercials for SIRIUS so he declined to answer. Howard asked him if he was interested in buying some raccoon meat. That led to King talking about a guy he knew who picked up some road kill of an Opossum and cooked it up for the next day's lunch. Howard said that Jackie the Joke Man was kind of like that because he once took home a fish they used to spank a woman with so he could cook it up at home. The fish was smelly and the guts were all hanging out after they used it to spank the girl. Howard said it was ''ass fish'' but Jackie took it home, cooked it and ate it. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to King of All Blacks. King asked how much longer Howard would stay with Beth and if he'd be with her in 10 years. Howard said he won't be dating a 42 year old in 10 years. Beth is 32 now so he doesn't seem to think that he'll be with her in 10 years.
Doug said that they were still able to collect their severance pay from E! but they went back to work about 3 weeks later so things worked out great for them. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he drives a limo down in the Dallas area and went and picked up Tom Brokaw from a movie theater. He wanted Howard to guess how much of a tip he got. Howard guessed that it was probably a $20 or maybe a $50 tip. Turns out the guy didn't get anything. He claims that Tom just gave him a ''thank you'' for driving him. The caller also complained about the Jewish families who don't tip him when he drives them around. Ronnie the Limo Driver called in and said that this guy shouldn't be complaining because he probably gets a 20% tip added on to the bill. The caller said that they don't do that at the company he works at so Ronnie told him he doesn't work for a good company then. Ronnie said a driver should never be on the air bad mouthing a client like that. The caller apologized so Howard let him go but also said that Tom Brokaw has money and could have given the guy a 20. That led to Robin talking about how she's heard about these guys who have really expensive cars giving $.50 tips to the garage attendants even though they have the money. They were talking about Jewish people in general but Artie said he found that they were actually very generous toward him whenever he did work for them.
Howard had Robin start her news but they ended up talking to Artie about whether or not he would have Dana sign a pre-nuptial agreement if they got married. Artie said that she has actually offered to sign one without him even asking. He said that he would be willing to give Dana like 15% of his earnings in the time he's been with her but Howard doesn't get that and wondered why he would give her anything. Gary came in and said it should be based on the kind of money Dana makes in her own job as a teacher right now. Gary wondered how you can protect the money Artie made back when he was working really hard to make money on movies like Dirty Work and stuff like that. Howard told Gary you can't protect it, that's why you sign a pre-nup. Robin wondered if Artie drank over the weekend. Artie said he had one Jack and water on Friday night and that was it. He said he was busy working on his movie ''Beer League'' over the weekend. He said he didn't drink on Saturday or Sunday. He just hung out with Dana and watched some sports on TV without drinking. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that and then ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard said he was all charged up again this morning and had to calm himself down. His shrink has been telling him he's got to calm down a bit. He's very excited about moving over to SIRIUS and he's got tons of ideas for that place so he's very worked up lately. Howard said Gary told him that there's some gossip going on there at the station and he ended up getting into an argument with Richie Herbie, the head engineer, about something. Fred said that everyone but Artie has gotten into an argument with Richie Herbie about something. Fred said that he got into an argument with Richie about not having any headphones available 2 minutes before the show started one day. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with Richie and maybe it was Fred's way of approaching him. Fred did his impression of Richie a little bit and said that they're really not friendly people. He said the ''headphone incident'' probably happened about the time they were starting there at WXRK about 20 years ago. It hasn't been a friendly relationship since then. Fred was also saying that it was Richie's threats of possibly beating him up that rubbed him the wrong way. Howard said that there's another guy there, Eli, who is a Karate expert and no one knew that other than Howard.
Robin got everyone back on track and asked Howard what happened between Gary and Richie. Howard said he was over at SIRIUS yesterday, he called it ''The Promised Land'' not SIRIUS... and got home about 6:30 last night. He got sidetracked again and said that Eli had to beat someone up on the subway one time. Artie took notes and said that he will have to remember not to mess with Eli. Howard said that there area lot of guys you don't want to mess with at the station. Steve the Engineer is a gun expert and Howard wanted to talk to him about that as long as they were on the subject. Steve, better known as Wood Yi, was in a minute later to talk about his guns. Steve said that he doesn't know if he's an expert but he knows a lot about them. Steve first made sure everyone knew that he has a few guns and they're all registered... Robin and Howard asked him if he would take someone out if he had to. Steve said if he really had to he probably could and would. He said that he learned about using guns in ROTC back when he was in school. Howard tried to find out what kind of guns he has. He has a couple of hand guns and shotguns. No sawed off shot guns or anything like that though. Steve said he usually just shoots paper for fun, no hunting. He's also shot skeet but not for quite a long time. He could probably do it now but it's been a while. Artie jokingly said that Louis is a Mafia Kingpin since they were talking about unassuming people at the station. The guys were throwing questions at Steve about his guns and he sounded less nervous than he usually does on the air. Howard let Steve go a short time later and said he would like to see Steve vs. Eli in a guns vs. Hands battle. Fred said that the guns win every time and reminded Howard about the scene in Indiana Jones where the guy is whipping around swords and Indiana whips out the gun and blows him away.
Howard read that Joel took some jabs at him in the press conference saying that Howard wasn't just leaving because of the FCC, he left because of money. Howard said he told Joel a year before he signed on with satellite that he wasn't going to stick around with the company because he can't do his show the way he wants to anymore. He can't get on new stations anymore and some have dropped him so he couldn't stick around there. He claims he told Joel that he was in negotiations with satellite companies ahead of time and Joel claims he never knew. Howard believes that he let everyone in on the secret that he was in negotiations with the satellite companies and everyone decided not to believe that.
Howard said he has a list of bits that they're not allowed to play on the air there anymore and he'd like to get actors to reenact them over at SIRIUS before they make the move there. He wants to get James Earl Jones to read his lines from the transcripts. They have a huge list of bits they can't do and he wants to bring them back. The article says that Howard is down to 27 stations now but Howard was thinking those are just Infinity stations. He said there may be more but not that many. A caller asked Howard some questions about SIRIUS but Tom and/or Dead Air Dave hit the dump button on the comments. Howard said he wishes that Joel wouldn't comment on what his wishes are since they don't talk much these days and he really doesn't have a clue. He said he never really had a relationship with Joel because he came on not too long before he was getting ready to get out. The company was already trying to cut his affiliate fees with other stations just to get him on the air, and he wasn't going to settle for that. Plus, Howard has a guy cutting his show up like swiss cheese so there's no where for him to go now. He's there to do a morning show and compete with other morning programs but he can't do it there anymore because they cut it up so much. He believes that his fans will be satisfied in a way they've never been satisfied once they move over to the new place.
Howard read that Joel thinks that satellite is a ''modest busienss'' and they really have nothing to worry about. He told Gary to tag that article and keep it in mind for the future so they can go back to it in a few years. He said that Joel is no expert... and yelled that out to everyone. He had to take a break a short time later after mentioning that Savanna Samson would be stopping by today.
Howard moved on to talk about the levees down in the New Orleans area and wondered why this country can't get to work and fix those things quickly. The guys said that there are a lot of hard working people in this country and they're sure that they'd be willing to help out with that. Howard said that those things should be done in a week, not a year like they're saying.
He chanced subjects again and played a clip from COPS where they responded to a guy at a fast food restaurant who was yelling about ''peace for mankind'' but then throws something at a cop and the cop has to take him down. The guy screaming was the funny part. The guy who was out of control eventually apologized to the cop for his behavior. Howard thought they tazered the guy but that wasn't the case. He was just taken down by the cop. He went on to play some other clips from COPS where they did tazer people who scream in pain as they're getting zapped. He said he loves that stuff because it really humbles those morons. He played another clip where a woman was screaming at the cops and not getting out of her car to they tazed her which led to a blood curdling scream from her. He had another clip where a guy was tazed and screamed like a woman as he was getting zapped. The woman screaming in her car was Howard's favorite because they shut her right up once they tazed her. Howard finished that segment up with the prank call that Sal and Richard made using the tazer clips. They called as if they were a couple working on getting their power shut off. They used the tazer clips to make it sound like someone was getting electrocuted.
Howard read an article about Fiona Apple's new album and how she was making comments about the protest that was held in front of Sony records by her 14 fans. She was saying that it was about 100 people but Jason was there and he claims that there were only about 14 people there. The article that Howard was reading said it was about 45 people. Fiona said she was inspired by that and pushed to get her album released. Howard played some audio clips of Jason interviewing a few of those 14 people about Fiona and why they were there. Howard said that Fiona is very into herself and has a lot to say. The delay was hit a few times while Howard was playing the audio clips but it wasn't clear about why they would do that. Howard ended up reading the title of her last album which was a 26 word title (When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He'll Win The Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters The Ring There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.) After reading it Fred threw in a clip of Beetlejuice saying a bunch of nonsense which made about as much sense as the title of the album. He spent a couple more minutes on that subject and then went to break.
Howard asked Lou what was up with him. Lou said that he's got a Caribbean cruise that people can take with him. Howard asked Lou what he thought about the Hulk movie and what he thought about it. Lou said he actually liked it and thought it was very good. Artie reminded Howard that Lou had a cameo shot in the movie. Howard thought that Lou was a great body builder so he asked him about competing against Arnold Schwarzenegger and said that Lou is in better shape today than Arnold is. Lou said he's still body building to this day and he doesn't know what happened to Arnold. He figures that Arnold may not have the time to do that kind of stuff anymore. Howard figures that Lou has the last laugh since he looks better these days. Howard put on an Arnold impersonator but Lou thought the accent wasn't quite that sharp so he knew it was a fake. He wanted to tell Howard that it was a fake but Howard let ''Arnold'' go on and on. Lou said the guy sounded like Arnold with a New York accent. Arnold was goofing on Lou saying that he wouldn't even know if his cruise ship sinks because he wouldn't be able to hear the alarms going off. Howard let Arnold go a short time later since Lou knew it was a fake.
Howard read some notes about Lou and found that he had a drinking problem but Lou said that was just for a couple of weeks. He also read that Richard Keel was the original person chosen to be the Incredible Hulk before Lou was hired. Lou asked Howard if he was going to go on the cruise with him so Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the cruise. He thinks it's going to be a nightmare but Lou seems to think it's going to be a lot of fun. He said you can find out all of the details at LouFerrigno.com. He'll be holding a seminar on the cruise and will be training people while they cruise. Howard said he can't imagine a worse nightmare for Lou and Artie asked him how long it will take for him to light himself on fire and throw himself overboard. Lou said he won't know until he gets on board because he's never been on a cruise before. Howard is thinking that he's going to be stuck on a cruise with thousands of juice heads. Lou said he tried steroids under a doctor's care at one time but he didn't like it so he stopped. Howard asked Lou how he can bulk up because he's been unable to do it. Lou said that he should come on the cruise. Howard tried dicking around with Lou again by muttering into the microphone but Lou knew he was messing with him. He got in a plug for ''King of Queens'' because he just shot another episode of that show. Howard told Lou that he loves him. He let him go a short time later and said that he really is a great guy and a good sport.
Robin was laughing while they were taking the goofy calls but she claimed she was cringing. Gary said that they were dying in the office but Will thought it was the cruelest thing they ever did. Howard didn't think it was that bad.
Howard had some Crackhead Bob clips that he was going to play for Lou Ferrigno earlier but he forgot he had them when Lou was on. He asked the guys to get Lou back on the phone so they could do that bit. Artie thought it was funny that Lou was going back to sleep in Santa Monica, California after suffering through that call earlier and now they're waking him up again to play those clips for him. While Howard was waiting for that call to happen he spent some time talking about Don Adams death. He talked about how great the guy was on ''Get Smart'' and how he remembers his dad recording Don doing cartoon voices before ''Get Smart.'' The guys were also talking about how great ''Get Smart'' was as a TV show. Gary came in and told Howard they weren't able to get Lou Ferrigno back on the phone.
Howard continued his Don Adams eulogy and said that he used to watch Don Adams doing the voice for Tennessee Tuxedo. He remembers his father telling him to be quiet and just watch Don doing his thing and how much fun those guys seemed to be having. That's where he discovered that he had to be behind a microphone to get some love from his father. He went on to read some stuff about the work Don Adams did and how his dad would treat them with such reverence that it would intoxicate him. He said that it was before Don Adams was a big star. Howard's father had to treat those guys well so they'd want to continue to record at his studio. He remembers his father telling him about the great people he had worked with like Vincent Gardena and Larry Storch among others. He did an impression of his father yelling at him to shut up when he'd try to get more information out of him about the people he worked with. Howard actually met Vincent Gardena years ago and said that he knew his father but Vincent had no idea who Ben Stern was. He said that the guy couldn't give a rats ass who his father was.
Howard remembered how the studio was set up for recording those cartoons and how they got things done. Robin asked Howard if he knew what Don Adams' real name was. Howard said he just read it this morning and it was something like Donald James Yarmey. Howard figured he changed it because Adams sounded less Jewy. Robin had Howard play some audio of the ''Get Smart'' theme song to let people know what they were talking about. Howard had Fred throw in some Beetlejuice clips as the lyrics for the theme song. Howard played a few clips from ''Get Smart'' that they found to be pretty funny. Howard said the guy was married to a few different women and he kind of liked that the guy was out of control. Hugh Hefner is in mourning because he was friends with Don Adams. Howard played a couple of clips of Hefner talking about him and what a good guy he was. Howard said that Hef has a lot of cool friends since he's always got so much poon tang around him all the time. Howard said ''Rest in peace'' to Don and wrapped up the eulogy.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Don wasn't Jewish, he was Hungarian and Irish and wasn't a Jew. Howard said he didn't know either way and just assumed that he was Jewish after finding out what his real last name was earlier. Another caller said that the guy who worked opposite Don Adams on the Tennessee Tuxedo cartoon thought that Don was a pain in the ass to work with. Howard heard that too but he didn't see that when he watched Don working. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had Sal the Stockbroker come in to talk about how he would let Blue perform that kind of sex on him. Sal said that he likes that kind of thing from older women and he even likes some cellulite on a woman and doesn't mind the wrinkles and stuff. Howard said that PJ and Blue remind him of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore because they still get along after all these years. Howard let the two of them go a short time later. He couldn't believe their story and couldn't imagine having that done to him by Blue Iris. Captain Janks called in and said that it was a disgusting story and there was nothing that could drive him to do that with that woman. Howard said that there is a fetish community out there that digs that stuff because they do sell a lot of tapes.
Howard said they're doing some stuff over at SIRIUS to test out the shows and Bubba the Love Sponge made a prank call to Richard's father that's really funny. They have that ready to go once the channels go live at SIRIUS. Howard asked Richard if he could call his father this morning because he really wants to ask him about some stuff. Howard said the call Bubba call is really funny and he can't wait to get that played over at SIRIUS. Richard said he'd go get a hold of his father so they could talk to him.
Howard killed some time talking about what they had coming up this morning including Savanna Samson and audio clips of Senator Brownback talking about abortion. He also had a clip from ''Family Guy'' where they mentioned his name. Robin said that's one of her favorite shows. Howard had Richard's dad on the line a short time later. Howard asked 61 year old Mr. Christy about the 'coon meat he sells to black people out in Kansas. Christy said that he shoots the raccoons, skins them and sells the meat to people who work on the railroad that he used to work at. Howard wondered how many people one raccoon could feed. Christy said it can feed a family of 4. Howard also had questions about catching turtles and how he kills them. Christy said that he has to pull out their heads with a pair of pliers and then chops their heads off with a hatchet. Howard said that this guy is a pretty hard core dude and a ''man's man.'' Howard said that the guy lives off the land but when Bubba asked him about what he ate the day before, Mr. Christy said he had cereal. Howard asked more about the turtle shelling and how he goes about getting the meat out. Fred even had a turtle shell opening sound effect playing as they were talking about that. Mr. Christy said he's not sure that one turtle would be enough food for a family of four. He said that he and his wife can eat one themselves.
Mr. Christy also talked about killing deer and squirrel. Artie was joking around with him and saying that he hates the food at The Olive Garden and McDonalds but loves that squirrel and turtle. Howard asked Mr. Christy if he's ever laid in a bed with another man and pleasured himself. Christy said that's never happened so Howard told him that his son has. Christy was also telling Howard about the time he spent over in Vietnam when he was in the military. He was a foot soldier and did kill some people in hand to hand combat. He said he still remembers what went on over there but isn't bad like some guys are. Howard said the guy even has a purple heart. Robin wondered if Mr. Christy eats chickens since they do raise them. Christy said that they do eat the chickens but they let them grow up. They're always saving the little chicks that escape from their mothers. Howard told Mr. Christy that they're taking care of their boy out there for him. Mr. Christy thanked him for that. Howard thanked him for answering their questions and was going to let him go. Robin asked him how they catch and cook up the squirrel. He said he uses a .22 to shoot them in the head. He said they'll eat them about one night a week or so. Howard asked him what he might have on a typical week for dinner. He was telling Howard that they have squirrel, turtle and other stuff like that. They'll also have some potatoes and stuff on the side. Howard wants to get Mr. Christy out there to New York so they can show him the big city. It turns out Richard has a sister that even Howard didn't know about. Howard let Mr. Christy in on the fact that his son loves porn. Howard told Christy that they would get him up there one day to meet in person and let him go.
Howard said that he and Artie should go out hunting to learn how to live off the land. He said that if there's ever a nuclear war, they'll need to know what to do. He's not sure he could be man enough to pull a turtle's head out to kill it. He asked Fred if he ever had to kill anything like that. Fred said he had to kill a chicken one time by nailing it's feet up to the side of a barn. The guys thought that was kind of odd. Howard asked Richard what his father got his purple heart for. Richard said that a buddy of his was injured and his father saved the guy and got shot in the process. Mr. Christy didn't want to talk about it when Howard asked him earlier. Howard thinks he's a pretty hard core dude. Richard said that he's not even sure that his parents have had sex but they had to have had it at least two times. Richard and his sister Beth Ann wouldn't have been born if they didn't have sex. Richard told Howard that his father once pulled out a tape worm from a rabbit that was about 7 feet long so that kind of ruined it for him. Howard was getting behind by a bit so he had to take a break before bringing in Savanna Samson.
Howard said that Savanna has remade this movie ''Devil in Miss Jones'' and he remembers the original one. He talked about the big budget that this movie had which was about $250,000. He had Paul Thomas talk a little bit about what a great actress Savanna was in the movie. Howard also said that he directed ''The Masseuse'' which is one of his favorites. Paul told Howard that you really believe Savanna in the part she plays and she's amazing in this part. Howard asked Paul about his career and talked about how he was in ''Jesus Christ Superstar'' years ago and eventually made his way to adult films. They talked about the budget for the movie and how Savanna will be getting about a dollar a copy for the DVDs they sell. Paul said they've already sold 60,000 copies of the movie and it's just been released. Howard played an audio clip from the movie where Savanna is moaning while Jenna is doing stuff to her. He thought the clip sounded pretty hot and Savanna was telling him how much she likes working with Jenna.
Howard talked to Paul about his drug bust years ago and how he spent some time in jail for that. He said he had a couple of kilos of cocaine that he was caught with and ended up going to jail for a year over that. He said he didn't mind the prison stay all that much. Howard read that Savanna is bottling her own wine now and figured she was a wine expert. She said that she's having the wine made up just for her and she'll be selling it for about $25 to $35 a bottle when it comes out. Howard asked her a few wine questions to find out just how much she knows. She knew a couple of answers but Howard didn't really seem to care that much. He gave her a plug for her web site UniversityOfSavanna.com and said that you can buy the ''Devil In Miss Jones'' DVD at Vivid.com or AdultDVDEmpire.com.
Savanna was kind of surprised that she was still wearing clothes toward the end of the interview. Howard said they've done so much with her getting naked before that he's not even sure what else they could do with her. Howard asked Savanna to demonstrate her love making sounds so Savanna took her shirt off and started to moan for a few seconds but Howard wrapped up and went to break before she got too carried away.
Howard said that they have a picture of Savanna up on his web site today and she looks sexy up there. Fred thought that she had put on a bit of weight though. Howard said she admitted that she had done that for the movie since they wanted her to look a little ''frumpy'' in the movie.
Howard has a new $25,000 contest called ''Right the Wrong'' going on where they're going to give away the money to the first person who can get one of the following celebrities to call in for at least a 3 minute interview.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Howard who gets custody of Bianca if he and Beth split up. Howard said that Bianca is in love with Beth and will leave him alone to go wait for Beth to return home but he's not sure what would happen to her. He said his dog Java still loves him to this day even though he doesn't have custody of her. He said he'll go over to pick up his kids and the dog will come running up to him and still loves him. He thinks that he's about 2nd or 3rd on Bianca's list of favorite people.
Howard mentioned that he got a special copy of Star Trek Voyager from the director of the movie after he made some comments about how great William Shatner was in the movie. He said that they recut the movie to give it the balls the director wanted originally. Robin got back to her news for a few seconds before a caller played a clip of Rush Limbaugh saying ''Renigging'' instead of ''Reneging'' while commenting on a story. Howard seems to think that Limbaugh is sneaking in some racial slurs into his comments, especially after he called Mayor Nagin, ''Mayor Nager'' not too long ago. Howard played those clips and the Gary the Retard ''Retard of the Week'' clip where he calls Limbaugh the Retard of the Week because of those comments. Robin wrapped up her news after that and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard said he was listening to some classic rock music yesterday and heard an old Jethro Tull song, ''Hymn 43,'' that he'd forgotten was so good. He played some of the song that he was talking about and told the guys about going to see the band play one time and how scary they looked. Robin remembered doing an interview with him one time and how bad one of the guys smelled. Gary said they interviewed him over in London when they were over there and he did smell pretty bad. He was a salmon farmer and really did stink. Howard said he lost respect for the band after meeting the one guy in person. He listened to more of the song and said he could play the guitar licks from the song so he asked Fred to set him up with one so he could demonstrate. Fred gave him a guitar a minute later and let Howard give it a try. It wasn't all that close. He tried playing along to the song and it was still off by quite a bit. He didn't give up though and had it pretty close by that point. Robin said he must have just been rusty and needed a little practice. He could only play the one, short part though. He tried singing some and playing some more without the song playing and he was able to sing it about as well as he was playing.
Howard mentioned that the last episode of Gene Simmons' Rock School was on the other night so he watched that and thought it was actually a good show. He said it gave him some respect for Gene and his teaching skills. Howard went on to talk about watching The Concert for Katrina and seeing Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails and thinking that he looked pretty nerdy. He remembered the days when Trent was mean looking and had some really bizarre stuff up on the screen behind him in concert. Howard was smoking pot back then and getting all freaked out by it. Fred played some of the Nine Inch Nails song that Howard was talking about, ''Hurt,'' and Howard tried to play along to that one as well. It sounded very much like the Jethro Tull stuff he was playing though. Howard thought Trent was much cooler back then and doesn't know what happened to him. ''Now he writes crap...'' Howard said. He also jokingly said Trent would be on the show next week to talk about 401K plans. Howard let ''Hurt'' play a little more since Robin was a fan. He thought about playing that as his first song on SIRIUS when he gets over there. He said he was over there the other day talking to them about putting stuff on his channels which go live on Thursday. He said he will put something on sometime after the channels go live but no one will know exactly when that is. He's got some ideas for what he wants to play on there and he's going to do it when he's ready to do it, not when they tell him to do it. He said he was telling them that Earth was created when God was ready to create it, no sooner. Fred started to play a Baba Booey song parody to the tune of The Who's ''Teenage Wasteland'' so Howard thought he was playing the actual song. He said that might just be the right song to play as his first song on satellite.
A phone caller said he had the best song for Howard to start off his show with and it was ''Gorilla Radio'' by Rage Against the Machine. Fred played some of that for him but he didn't think that was right. Howard said he's thinking of John Lennon's ''Imagine'' or something like that. He figures that would be great with a classic Sam Kinison rant and then a Lenny Bruce rant and maybe George Carlin's seven dirty words rant. Something like that with a Carrot Top bit thrown in as a goof. Fred played some ''Imagine'' and Howard added his own thoughts as it was playing. He was saying that they could get back to talking like grown ups and doing bits they used to play on the show. Bringing back Ham and Slam, having J.D. losing his virginity on the air, playing every clip uncensored, hearing phony phone calls with no bleeps...
The caller Howard had on the line told him that he'll be following him over there to SIRIUS and he'll be listening to him as long as he can. Howard is all charged up about the move and said he hasn't slept in the past four days because of it. He said he can hear the channel while he's taking a shower in the morning and he's ready to go. Howard said he heard that there were tons of discussions going on at the NAB convention that went on recently. Howard thought about playing the new opening for the new show on the air there since no one will be listening once they move to satellite. He figured they'll have about 30 listeners when they first move.
Howard said that people were coming up to him and telling him that Fred's line about ''spaghetti and squirrel'' yesterday was a classic line. He took a call from a guy who told Howard that he's had squirrel while living in Brooklyn. He had a crazy cousin who once killed a squirrel and then played with the head trying to crack it open like a walnut. The guy said he tasted it and it wasn't all that bad. Another caller said that SIRIUS is doing a good job of talking up his move over there. Howard hasn't heard much of that but he does listen to a couple of the channels. He said he does get treated very well over there when he goes to visit. People come up to him and thank him and tell him how great it is that he's moving over there. Robin brought up how people are very surprised to hear him talking about Bubba the Love Sponge in a positive way. Howard said he's been listening to Bubba practicing for his new show and he really is good on the air. He said he'd like to say goodbye to everyone on terrestrial radio before he leaves for satellite since he's been on the air for over 20 years now. He doesn't know how he wants to end it all though. Gary said he has some notes for some ideas of what they could do so they'll talk about that stuff tomorrow in their weekly meeting.
Howard talked about how great things are over at SIRIUS and how they're beyond what he expected. A phone caller said he heard that Infinity Broadcasting is saying that they could lose up to $100 million due to losing Howard. Howard said he's heard it could be even more money than that. He said that all of these companies that have caved into the FCC have dug their own graves and he seems to think they're all going to sink because of that. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel's show doesn't get great ratings but ABC sticks with him for some reason. He took a call from a guy who said that he was going to get SIRIUS radio after hearing what Howard was doing with the Imagine song earlier in the morning. Howard said that Gary is working on the big roast that they want to do for their first show on January 9th. Gary told the guys that he hasn't gotten much of a reaction from anyone yet but he's trying to get Chris Rock on board because they can probably get more people that way. Gary told Howard that there's one agent out there who handles almost everyone that hates Howard the most. She represents Rosie O'Donnell, Mariah Carey, Star Jones and Billy Crystal among others. Howard said that all of those people would be protected up on the stage as they're roasting him so they shouldn't fear doing it even if they hate him.
Howard said that he would like to do a roast of Tom Chiusano on the last day there because of what he did to the sales team there by lowering their commissions. Howard said he heard back from the sales crew who think he was doing the right thing by talking about Tom cutting their commissions. Howard said he read an article from some guy who was talking about listening to his show but wouldn't compliment him. He couldn't find the article even though he thought he'd sent it to Jason to print out for him. Gary told Howard they've been having computer problems lately so that maybe why they didn't get it printed out.
Alecia said that the school sells copies of Playboy and Penthouse but they refuse to sell Boink. She said that they were told that they won't sell it under any circumstances. Howard said that one of the girls, Anna, looked really hot. He read that another one of the girls was almost pulled out of school by her parents for posing in the magazine. Howard read that Alecia had to sell 20,000 copies of the magazine and that's what the needed to do to break even for the first issue. The delay was hit a couple of times while Howard was talking to Alecia about the magazine. He found out that she's 21 years old and quite an entrepreneur. Howard said he tried to put out a little magazine when he was in college and that didn't really go anywhere.
Gary said that the pictures are cool because you know that the girls in there are ''real girls'' and not some models. The guys said that they should stick to chicks in the magazine and maybe spin off another one for the gay pictures that are in there. Artie said that he has a cousin up at BU so Alecia started to get excited about that so Artie had to tell her to calm down. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Alecia about how the school has been treating her. She said they didn't threaten to throw her out or anything like that but she was given a hard time by some of the professors there. Howard let her go a short time later and said that this makes him realize what a loser he was back when he was in college. He could have started something like this and he could have been the Hugh Hefner of his time.
Howard said that he likes that Beth doesn't get too talkative and that's what he likes about her. He wanted to watch the new Savanna porn movie ''Devil in Miss Jones'' last night but she wasn't into it because he knows Savanna personally. He said he kind of gets that because Savanna really does turn him on. He did insist on having sex with Beth last night though.
The guys were talking about how hot Jessica Alba is so Howard mentioned that she was on The Tonight Show last night. He said that everything seems to be scripted on that show and it's so lame. He played an audio clip where Jay asked Jessica about her OCD as if it was something that he'd read about her. Howard said that it all sounds so rehearsed and scripted and it comes across as being really lame. Howard wondered if they pump some king of laughing gas into the studio there to make the audience laugh at Jay's lame jokes.
Howard heard a promotion for the iPod Nano on The Booker Show on his station and he wondered how he could get one. He's been unable to get one himself. Gary came in and said that Jodi from Promotions had to go out and buy that Nano they're giving away because it's such a hot item right now. Howard wanted to get one.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about ABC and how his friend Lloyd Braun helped develop ''Lost'' and ''Desperate Housewives'' but ABC fired him before they even aired. That led to the guys talking about how great ''Lost'' is. Howard said that the show is great but a friend of his was talking about how they've kind of closed off the show's plot to being nothing more than a dream sequence. Howard thinks that he could be right but Gary and Robin think that they could go other directions with the show. Benjy chimed in and said that he got some stuff from the internet where people say that there could be some kind of twin thing going on with the show and that's where they're going with the plot. They spent a little more time on that before Howard had to take another break.
Howard moved on and read an article about Ozzy and Sharon where they say that Sharon caught Ozzy in bed with another woman on the night their son Jack was born. He also read an article that was written about this author Wally Lamb wrote about listening to the Howard Stern Show but gives a bunch of disclaimers about not really liking what he hears. Howard wondered why these guys have to write articles about him like that and don't just admit that they enjoy listening.
The caller told Howard that her husband has ''pre-colon cancer'' and can't work because he's always in pain. Howard talked to her for a few minutes and eventually came to the conclusion that the husband is going to go out, get some fresh trim and then his colitis or colon cancer will go away and he'll be magically cleared. She was saying that he's blaming her for their credit problems. Howard wondered if she's so heinous looking that she can't go out and get another man and forget this guy. She claims she's not but Howard still thinks the conversation was crazy. He told her that this guy is no good for her and she should just get out and stay out of the relationship. He had her looking around her bedroom for her husband. He wasn't there so Howard told her that he's already gone so she should just move on. That basically answered her question so she's going to get out of the relationship. Howard told her to go out and lose 20 pounds, get some new clothes and meet some sucker who will take care of her. He told her no to marry a Sal (the Stockbroker) Governale though. The woman told Howard that he's threatening to take away her dogs and his mother is paying for a lawyer so he can try to do that.
Howard noticed that the woman on the phone was kind of making a weird noise that turned out to be a laugh. He goofed on her about that and said that's probably another reason the guy left her. Fred played a few sound effects to make fun of the odd laugh even more. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd date this chick and he'd work out that 20 pounds. High Pitch Eric called in and said that he would date this chick and he'd take good care of her. She wasn't interested... even though she said her self esteem is really low. She claims that it's so low that she met her husband when she was 25 years old and that was her first boyfriend. She said she wouldn't date any guys until she met this guy because she was so shy. She was also talking about how her husband has to use the toilet about every 5 minutes due to his bowel problems. Fred played a ton of fart sound clips while they were talking about that. The woman said he didn't get sick until they were about a year into their marriage. Howard wrapped up the call and told the woman to go back to Bellvue where she belonged. He offered to have her come in so he could look her over and maybe even help get her another man. She said okay to that offer.
Howard took a call from someone posing as this woman's husband who was pretending to use the bathroom and flushing the toilet every few seconds. Howard asked the woman what her wedding theme son was and she told him that it was the theme song from The Karate Kid. Gary came in and found out that it's really not from the Karate Kid, it's the song ''You're My Inspiration'' by Pete Cetera. Artie had some fun saying the lyrics and putting in some farting sounds into the lyrics. The woman said that they invited 150 people to their wedding but only 80 showed up. She also said that her mother asked her, on the day of the wedding, if she really wanted to marry the guy. She should have known that something was up when her own mother asked her something like that. Fred was going nuts playing fart sounds to the tune ''Here Comes The Bride.'' Howard had the Pete Cetera song ready to go so he played that while Fred threw in some fart sound effects. He was bringing her back to her wedding day. Howard laughed his ass off when he heard the lyrics that went something like ''The kind of love that lasts forever.'' The woman said she still likes that song even though it was their wedding song and her marriage has failed. Howard told her he had to go after that and wanted to give her some kind of prize but he didn't have anything to give her. Gary said that they could give her something from Steven Singer Jewelers so that's just what he did. He had to go to break right after that.
Howard killed some time and took a call from a guy who said he thinks that ''Lost'' is going to be like ''Jacobs Ladder.'' Howard started to get into a discussion that he thought was kind of gay so he changed to a gay voice for a few seconds. Gary then came in and told Howard what some of the theories are about the numbers they use on ''Lost'' and how detailed they get. Artie threw in some sports stuff to get off of that subject for a second. Howard seemed to get the hint and moved on to other stuff.
Howard said that Jim Florentine would be sitting in for the news but he had a prank call that Jim made to Gary the Retard as ''Special Ed'' while hanging out with Sal and Richard. Jim called Gary as his cousin and pissed Gary off so much that Gary was yelling at him and hung up on him. Sal called Gary back as ''Howard'' and had Gary convinced that they were going to put Ed on the show and change his name to Gary the Retard. Gary got mad that they were going to do that to him. Sal told Gary they were going to change Gary's name to Wendy the Retard and had him pretending to be Wendy while Special Ed was pretending to be Gary. Howard said that Gary tried to call back to get on the air with Howard but they intercepted the call and made him think that Special Ed was actually Gary the Retard and Gary was now Wendy. Gary was so pissed off and confused that he just hung up again.
Howard said that Jim Florentine was there to promote something new. He came in and told Howard that the prank calls to Gary went on for a full two hours. Howard asked him if he's still doing the ''Inside the NFL'' thing. Jim said that he's not on there anymore but he did win an Emmy for the work they did on the show. He said they told him that they were going to cut back on the comedy but then they had Lewis Black on the show the first week they came back. Jim said that's fine with him and he has a new show on Comedy Central. He said they're going to have a whole Broadband channel over there that he'll be on and it'll be edgier than the stuff they put on regular TV. Jim said the pay isn't all that bad and they're going to let him do whatever he wants over there so that will be good. He said if he's lucky, five people will be able to get the show at the same time. Jim is hoping that they like what they do so much that they'll eventually put him on the regular Comedy Central channel. Jim also said that he's in Artie's movie so things will take off from there and his royalty checks will start rolling in.
Howard talked about Jim's girlfriend and how hot she is. He said that she brings girls home to Jim and will do all kinds of cool stuff for him. Jim did something nice for her and found her real mother for her. Jim said that there was some kind of scam going on down in this church in the Philly area and they were giving kids away to white families to raise. They lied to the families about what was going on with the kids. Jim called the adoptive mother and demanded to find out who she was and eventually found her out in California. She's been working at the same company for the past 27 years so she wasn't some degenerate or anything like that. Jim said that the real mother was pretty hot... a solid 6... So he was happy about that. Now his girlfriend is hanging out with her mother and getting along just fine. They're almost like sisters according to Jim. He said that her mother will even do his laundry when they go out to visit her in California. Howard did his Vietnamese impression and goofed on Jim a little bit but also told him that he was really cool for doing that for her. Jim said you have to do stuff like that when you're in a relationship sometimes.
Howard said that Jim goes to ''the booths'' with Sal sometimes. He wondered what's up with them going to these peep shows. Jim said that he, Sal and Bob Levy all went to some booths out in Seattle when they were out there. They were also talking about how there are a lot of gay guys there who you try not to make eye contact with. Jim gave some details about what the booths are like but the delay was hit a couple of times. He said that he brought Levy to a booth one time and he's not sure what he did in there but there were sirens going off and they were demanding that mops be sent right into the room to clean up his mess.
Howard told a story about what went on with Sal and Richard over the weekend when Sal pleasured himself while Richard was in the bed with him. Sal ended up cleaning up with a t-shirt he had and threw that under the bed. Craig Gass ended up picking up the shirt and put it into his suitcase because he thought he didn't know that it was soiled. Craig was there with Jim this morning and he had the shirt on a stick. He said he had folded Sal's shirt and put it in his suitcase so he had to throw away the shirt on the top and the bottom of that shirt. Craig went on to say that there was more to that story and ended up talking about how Sal wears makeup and goofed on him about that. He said that he found his makeup kit at the hotel room and brought that along with him. Sal came in and said that he doesn't wear ''makeup'' he wears concealer on his face. Craig showed the guys what the makeup brush looked like and there were some puzzled looks from the guys.
Gary told Howard that Sal was trying to get his hands on some concealer and one of Rob Schneider's makeup people helped him out and gave him some of this stuff for free and he was thrilled. Sal said there's a long story behind all of this and he didn't want to get into it. Craig said he was going to cover up for him on the makeup thing since that's what Sal had asked him to pick up from his room. He was so pissed about Sal goofing on him on the air the other morning that he just had to bring this up. Sal called Craig ''Greg'' a couple of times so Gary asked him how he can hang out with him so much and still not know what his real name is. Sal didn't seem to care and continued to goof on Craig about picking up his jizz shirt. Craig warned Sal that something that's going to happen during his set at the next show they do together. Howard wrapped up after that and kicked Sal out of the studio. As he was leaving he was chasing Gary around the room with his DNA covered shirt. Fred played ''Flight of the Bumble Bee'' as Sal continued to chase Gary around the studio. Howard said that Gary had gone into Robin's booth to hide but Will pointed it out to him and he tried to get in there to chase him even more. Jim pointed out that Sal has kids of his own and he's chasing Gary around with his stained shirt. Howard gave Jim a couple of plugs for his new comedy CD ''Jim Florentine LIVE: Get the Kids Out of the Room,'' his web site JimFlorentine.com and some comedy gigs he has coming up soon. He had to take a commercial break after that.
Howard said he got some mail about the Blue Iris audio clips he plays on the show a lot these days. Some people are sickened when they hear the old lady in porn clips. Fred played some of the clips as Howard was reading the mail. Robin started her news after that and Howard mentioned something about Jim coloring his hair but Jim told him that it's his natural color. Both Robin and Howard thought that it was being colored but Jim convinced them that it was his natural color.
Booker called in and said that they do borrow stuff from his show but they credit Howard for them. That's what a lot of deejays do and admit to it for a while but then eventually claim that they're the innovators. Howard said he doesn't care and all of these guys should go ahead and do what they have to do to make some money. Howard said that Booker is a friend of his and he really likes his girlfriend. He said she's really hot and he's worked out with her before. He said he should have just banged her while they were at the gym. Gary said that when they went out to Ross' bachelor party in Vegas all of the guys were goofing on him because he's so in love. He told some quick stories about Booker calling his girlfriend every few minutes while they were at the airport getting ready to go home from Vegas. There were also some discussions about text messaging and how great that can be because you can get lap dances while you get text messages. Howard told a story about Scott DePace getting a call from his kid while they were at Scores one day and how he passed the phone to ''Uncle Artie'' so he could continue getting his lap dance. Jim Florentine suggested that Booker steal Howard's stance on marriage and never marry this girl. Booker said he had to get going after that but Howard kept him on the phone. He asked Booker if he's going to get married and Booker wouldn't say that he won't. His girlfriend was right there in the room with him so he wasn't going to say anything about not getting married. Howard said that she's got some pretty big boobs so he asked Booker how big they are. He yelled to hear and found out they're 34-D. Howard let him go a short time later and then had Robin get back to her news.
Howard took a call from a listener who said he's going to miss the show when they move to satellite because his wife won't let him get it. Howard said he doesn't mind if people don't follow him over there but don't tell him that your wife won't let you, that's lame. He ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the morning talking about a news story about Cousin Brucie starting his show over at SIRIUS. He said that Brucie was talking about how he finally has a talk show after all the years he's been in radio. Howard pointed out that the guy is like 72 years old and he's just now doing a talk show.
Howard mentioned that they have 49 shows left to do before they're out of there. He said they could say that it's 48 since today has already started. Artie mentioned that he was watching the Yankees last night... Howard said he was busy watching ''The Surreal Life'' and ''My Fair Brady'' while Artie was doing that. Artie thinks that they're in two completely different worlds when it comes to watching TV. Howard believes that he was watching a really hot chick on ''My Fair Brady'' so he's not gay or anything even though watching sports is a guy thing to do. Artie went on to tell some stories about what happened during last night's Yankees game. He said the Yanks ended up winning so they look great going into this series against the Red Sox. Artie said they were down by one until the fourth inning or so and then they came back to win.
Fred played some Blue Iris old lady porn clips since the caller Howard had on the line had made a reference to her. Howard was talking about her earlier and wondered how people couldn't enjoy hearing that stuff when they play it. Another caller said that Howard should put up a really long, juicy fart on his new channel as a tone. Howard thought that idea was pretty funny and wondered if someone could make that happen today. Howard also thought about putting up a loop of ''Baba Booey'' on there for 24 hours a day. Howard said he thought about doing something where they have a microphone in the studio that's under construction so you could hear the noise in there and the workers talking. Howard asked Gary to come in so they could work something out and get some farters up to the studio to fart all day long. He said they're not allowed to have farters on the show anymore so having them up to SIRIUS to show what they'll be able to get back to. Gary said that they have a couple of farters and Debbie the Queefer who are ready to go over there and start doing that stuff again. Will the Farter and Junior the Farter are two people who came to Gary's mind. Howard suggested getting Mr. Methane to fart away but not talk. He doesn't want any music or talking, just farting. Howard likes the idea of having farters up there but Gary thinks they need more people to help out if they want to do this 24 hours a day. Artie had mentioned something about how funny it would be for Martha Stewart's people to go up there and see a bunch of farters in a studio.
Howard said they'd need about 288 farters to go up there and do 5 minutes of farting shifts at a time. He asked Gary to get some of their ''top farters'' on the phone so they could interview them. Dan the Farter may be one of those people. Artie said he thinks that Junior the Farter is probably the best he's seen. Howard thanked Nuno for the suggestion. He wanted to give him a prize so ARtie suggested giving him a job as a Program Director. Howard was willing to do that since he didn't have one there yet. Nuno was ready to go and accepted the job. Howard said that they're going to hate them over there because they just hired a 20 year old construction worker to be a program director. Howard told him to imagine that he was just hired to program two channels at SIRIUS radio after coming up with a farting suggesting. He also said that this guy is basically Gary's boss now.
Gary asked Nuno how many times he's been out sick this year and how many days he's been late. Nuno said he's missed two days and he was almost late this morning but now he's got a new job so he's not late yet. Howard said he likes this guy and thinks he'll be good as the Program Director. The guys got Dan the Farter on the phone to let him know what's going on. Dan had been sleeping so he didn't know what was going on. Howard told him about the farting idea and asked him if he might be able to work a four hour shift of farting. Dan said he might have to do some training for that. Howard told him he needs him for today though. Artie asked him if he could be ready for 1 o'clock. Howard said that people would tune in just to hear him fart a little bit here and there. He doesn't have to go constantly, just let one out here and there without saying a word. Howard had Junior on the phone too and said that he could be the afternoon guy while Dan is his morning man. Howard explained what was going on to Junior since he was sleeping as well. Junior got a laugh out of the idea when Howard told him about the farting shifts. Howard thinks that Junior could take the 2-6 slot while Debbie the Queefer might take afternoons. Junior sounded like he'd be ready to do it tomorrow.
Howard asked Dan how he'd like to do this farting thing. He said he'd like to fart some songs out. Robin said the microphone could be open all the time but they wouldn't really be talking on it, they'd just fart, walk away from the microphone and then go back whenever they were ready. No reason to try and fart quickly. Howard even told Dan that he wouldn't have to start farting right away at 6am, he could prepare slowly and do it when he was ready. Dan said he would be ready to go at 6. Howard asked Junior to blast a few out so he got right into it. Dan also did a really nasty sounding one that convinced Howard that he was ready to go with the idea. He told the guys that their boss was going to be this guy Nuno who he just hired earlier. Robin was hoping to hear more than one farter on at a time so there could be some ''banter'' between the two. Howard said he didn't want to have any content on there but this idea was just too good so he can't hold off. He told Gary to get to work on that ASAP. He even wants Gary to get them into Senator Bradley's studio over there since his own studio isn't ready to go yet.
The guys talked about how this guy Nuno is probably going to be getting some press and he'll be listed as the youngest programmer ever. Howard said he doesn't want this stuff pre-recorded either. He wants live farts or nothing. He gave a demo of what it might sound like over there as the farters are getting ready to go. He also said they could have an announcer come on very subdued saying who will be on and what they're doing. Nothing detailed, just something like ''That was Dan the farter...'' Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to belch a shift. He wasn't interested in that though, he wants just farts. He said he'd even go over to watch the farters at work after his show. Another caller said that he was flipping through the channels and found out that Cousin Brucie's talk show is called ''Ask the Cous.'' Howard said you know there's a reason the guy hasn't had a talk show in the past. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked Gary to have the guys at SIRIUS change the scroll for his channel to read ''Farters coming soon'' instead of ''We're building toward the future of Howard.'' He thinks he'll be able to get this farting thing started within a day or so. Howard wants to have Nuno and his new jocks down to the studio but he's not sure when. He went to commercial break after that.
Beet ended up cursing so Howard said they have to get over to satellite so they can let him curse all he wants. Beetlejuice told Robin that he was in a bad mood but then told her that he wasn't in a bad mood. Howard asked him what he was there to plug today but he didn't even know exactly what it was. He just said that he's doing what he has to do. Howard got a hold of his plug and said that Beet will be appearing at the Crazy Leprechaun Bar tomorrow night with the rapper Minless and MC Crackin. You can find out more info at JollyDwarf.com
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Beetlejuice lost his boxing title the last time he was at this bar for a boxing match and he has no chance of getting it back. That got Beet pretty wound up so Howard let that caller go and tried to calm Beet down by playing his song ''I Don't Know'' that they just recently had Leslie West add some guitar tracks to. Howard played the song and Beetlejuice claimed that it was him playing on guitar, not Leslie West. Robin said that Beetlejuice actually loves his own music. Howard said he was staring at him like he couldn't believe that he had actually done that song. Robin asked Beetlejuice if he knows what a gigolo is because he calls himself that in the song. Beet said it means he has to have sex for a week. Howard played another cover of The Beetlejuice Song that was a country version.
Howard took a call from Crackhead Bob, which was just audio clips of him talking and laughing, and let him ask Beet some questions. Beet had no idea what the guy was saying. Then Beetlejuice called himself. They were using audio clips of Beetlejuice talking to himself but the real Beet was making fun of his own voice mocking himself. A real caller said he hates the Beetlejuice songs and wants to put his fist through the radio every time he hears them. The guy was calling Beetlejuice the N-word and getting him all riled up again. He said a bunch of racist things to him and told him to go back to picking cotton. Howard let Beetlejuice go a short time later. By that time Beet seemed to be in a better mood. They went to commercial break right after that.
Gary said he hasn't spoken to anyone over there yet because he doesn't have numbers for many of the people there yet. Howard wanted him to talk to Walt Sabo about their ideas. Gary said he has a number for him so he'd give him a call. Fred asked Howard how long the farting would continue. Howard said it might be a week or two. Fred thinks that it's too long and a day or two would be best. He thinks that a couple of days of farting would be plenty and maybe they could have some homeless people come in and do something. Dan the Farter called in and told Howard that he'll be able to go for the full 4 hours and only take maybe 10 minute breaks here and there. Dan was in his car and demonstrated his farting abilities while driving down the Garden State Parkway. Howard thinks that this will be better than dead silence on his channels. Dan said this is a dream come true for him. Howard also heard that the slogan ''Farters coming soon'' is up on his SIRIUS radio. Howard said that he would like to go over there and fart himself but he's not allowed to broadcast yet. Artie said that they should allow anyone there at SIRIUS come in and fart if they have to. Some of the guys made some suggestions about what they could do there but Howard didn't want to put too much into it. He just wants an engineer and a farter in the studio. Howard wanted Dan the Farter to demonstrate what was going to happen but Dan was driving and wasn't coming through fast enough. Dan did get out a few farts though. Robin said they have to let people know who they're hearing over there. Howard said they have the text scroll on the screen that would work for that. Fred suggested that they have the farters on display for fans to see as they walk by the studio. Howard said that's too much effort to put into the whole thing. He said he's going to leave some of that up to Nuno his new program director.
Howard needs another guy to do 6-10pm farting. Gary said they have 5 or 6 guys they can try to get. He said he'll find enough guys to cover the 4 hour shifts. Howard doesn't want any ''canned gas'' on the channel, he wants it all live and doesn't care if they take an hour long break in between farts. He wasn't ready to go and do this kind of thing but he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to wait. Artie said that he would tune in to hear the next fart and so would Howard. Fred said that they could get this stuff on the internet so people could see it. Howard thought that was a good idea too. Will the Farter called in and said that he would take the 6-10pm shift. Howard said they'll have Dan the Farter from 6-10am, Debbie the Queefer on from 10-2... Then he started thinking of doing 6 hour shifts instead. Gary told Howard he was trying to get Travis the Farter on the phone but then found out his phone had been disconnected. Howard asked Will what he would do once he got on microphone. Will sucked in some air and then blasted away some nasty farts. Howard said that would work.
Robin had suggested putting a wind chime in the studio that the farters could try to move with their farts. Howard said they're thinking to much and he doesn't want to do that kind of stuff. He wants it simple right now and just farting is all he wants. Fred suggested that maybe at the top of the hour they could blow off into a wind chime. Howard told Will the Farter that this could happen as soon as tomorrow so he needs to be prepared... and it's all going to be live.
Howard had some tape from the BET TV comedy awards from the other night. He said that Chris Rock was on and was sucking Martin Lawrence's ass on the show. Robin thinks that Chris has ''gone Hollywood'' and kisses people's asses that he doesn't have to. Howard played a clip of Chris hyping up Martin's acting and talking about how funny the guy is like he was a brilliant comedian. Howard didn't know that Martin Lawrence was such a brilliant guy. Chris even said that Martin had opened up doors for black comedians like himself. Artie said that Martin's sitcom was on the air for five years and Howard was surprised to hear that. Howard said that he really should keep tabs on what's going on over there at BET. He said that this guy Paul Mooney went wild at the award show and he was throwing around the N-word quite a bit. He said he was giving away the ''Nig*** wake up call award'' to Lil' Kim, Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jackson and others. He said that Michael Jackson is too weird to be a pedophile, he's an X-file. He gave the wake up award to Dianna Ross who couldn't be there because she was in rehab. Howard thought Mooney was brilliant with his speech. Then Steve Harvey had to come out and apologize because Dianna Ross' daughter was in the audience. He apologized and said that if it was his mother Paul Mooney had been talking about, he would have shot him. Robin said she has to start watching these black award shows because they're very interesting.
Howard played some more audio clips from the award show. In one clip a woman got upset and started crying after she was awarded the audience choice award. She gave quite an acceptance speech. In another audio clip Wanda Sykes did some President Bush bashing. She played some clips of President Bush talking about the mission being accomplished in Iraq and telling the director of FEMA that he was doing a good job. Gary said there was some other Bush bashing going on there too but it was too visual to play on the air.
Howard asked Gary about this woman who was there this morning looking for her ''lost love.'' Howard told him to get her in there so he could talk to her. The woman had been in there before, back on January 1st 2000. Howard told her to take her sweat shirt off because he wanted to see her flat belly. He said she's got ''crazy eyes'' too and he likes that. He had her stripping down nude a short time later. She said she's 5'9'' tall and weighs between 105 and 110 pounds. Howard said she looks nice and skinny and didn't ever get breast implants. Artie said that she could stand to gain a few pounds, she's too skinny for him. Howard had her put her pants back on because he couldn't take her seriously standing there without them on.
Howard asked this woman to tell them why she was there. She said that she met this guy back in 1999 and dated him on and off for 8-9 months or so but she chose her ex-boyfriend over this guy when she had to make the choice. She said she knows his first name but forgot his last name. She said she only had sex with him once. She waited about 4 months before having sex with him and only did him once. He was working in the area from out of state. She said that he dumped him a few times and he must have gotten sick of her after that. Howard told her that if he left and didn't call her again, he's probably a married man. She thought Howard was summing up her relationship with the guy in two sentences and that's not what it was like. The woman told Howard that she's a respectful person and doesn't just bang guys all the time. She wasn't making much sense when she was telling Howard that she was so awestruck with him that she couldn't remember his last name. She knows he told her his name and she knew it, but now she's forgotten it. She thought the guy was very sweet and gentle but he was all man.
She said that she remembers his name was Jim, he's 35-39 years old and looks like Big Sexy from the WWE and was raised by his aunt and worked for Wild Underground as a cable runner. If anyone knows who he is she asked that he call her back or email her at CatWomanAlbany@yahoo.com. Howard took a phone call a short time later from Sal the Stockbroker who was pretending to be her boyfriend. He told her to get over it already because it's over.
Howard talked to Quake about his 3 year old marriage and how that's falling apart now. Quake said he went out for a loaf of bread one day and just didn't go back. He said he met her at a comedy club and they knew each other for years before they got married. Once they moved to Los Angeles she changed after quitting her flight attendant job. She tried to become an actress. Quake said that the marriage went well for about 6 or 7 months before it really went bad. He got into some of his comedy stuff after Howard mentioned some of the material he was playing earlier. Quake said he doesn't have a regular routine and changes it all around depending on what's going on in the world. Quake told Howard that he was in the military for 11 years before 1991 and wanted out so bad that he broke his own arm to get out of it. He said his friend held his arm and hit it with an axe handle. He said he didn't want to go over there to fight for oil so he got himself out.
Quake told Howard that he didn't have his wife sign a pre-nuptial agreement so she's going to take 50 percent of his money. He'll be starting all over again come January. He told Howard that he's going to give her the house and it was a $1.4 million house. Plus he has to give her child support for their 3 year old kid. Quake has to get back into the dating scene. He said he's not going to get Jungle Fever but he will catch a cold. Howard read that he has two kids with two different women. Quake told him he's not good at judging women before he screws them and gets them pregnant.
Howard asked Quake about dropping a nuclear bomb while he was loading it onto a B-52 bomber one day. He said that everyone ran away when it fell like they could get away from the explosion if it went off. He said that it would have taken out the whole state of Louisiana if it had gone off. He had to be investigated after that but they didn't find anything. King of All Blacks called in after that and suggested that he find a Spanish girl because they listen to everything you tell them to do. Quake said he'd take anything anyone throws at him. King told him that she behaves herself and he should go up to Harlem to find one for himself. Quake said that was the tip of the day. Howard asked Quake about a sitcom deal he had where Holly Robinson Peet as his sidekick. Quake said that she screwed him over and told the producers that he couldn't act. He said she hasn't won any Emmy so she's one to talk. Robin said that maybe she's the problem, not the people she works with. Quake was hoping to get a few people to work around him like Jerry Seinfeld did and make things work over a couple of seasons until he picks it up. Quake said he ''trusted the devil and she sold him out.'' Quake said he went off on Holly on stage one time and her mother confronted him about it and told him to leave her out of it. He said that he had to let people know about what she did to him and refused to take her out of his act.
Howard asked Quake about the bit he did about P. Diddy and asked him if he really did vote because of what Diddy was saying. Quake said he really did get pulled into it but ended up voting for Bush instead of John Kerry like Diddy wanted them to. Howard gave Quake some plugs for his web site and upcoming comedy gigs. You can check out his site at QuakesHouse.com. A bunch of phone callers said that this guy really is great. Howard told Quake that he predicts he'll be divorcing a hot white woman in about 3 years.
A phone caller asked Howard for some advice on his divorce. He said that he makes about $30,000 while his wife makes about $60,000 but he still has to give up half of his money to her. Howard told him to get a better lawyer and took some more phone calls. One guy from Columbus said he was very excited to see that Howard's channels were up on SIRIUS this morning. Howard told Quake what was going to be going on over there with the farters starting soon. Quake thought that was pretty funny. A woman called in and told Howard that she's a hot white woman who would date Quake. Quake said he's never had a white woman before. The caller said that she's been told she looks like Jennifer Aniston. When she said that she'd make a good wife, Howard hung up on her. Quake isn't looking for a wife. Another woman said that she's not all thin like Howard likes but she knows that Quake isn't looking for a stick. Howard asked her how much she weighs but she wouldn't answer. He hung up on her too. He gave Quake a few more plugs for his DVD ''About Damn Time'' and asked him what kind of white women he likes. Quake said he likes Pam Anderson types. Another caller said that Howard should have this guy on his SIRIUS channel. Quake said he'd be up for that so Howard said maybe he could do a half hour show before he even moves over there himself. Howard had to do commercials right after that.
A phone caller told Howard that his wife has threatened to leave him because he wants to follow Howard over to SIRIUS when he moves there. He said he's not going to take that from her and doesn't care if she divorces him. Howard said that if their senses of humor are that different. He said he's not into the shows she listens to but he doesn't complain about it. Howard asked the guy if he still likes this woman at all. He said he doesn't really like her and doesn't even like having sex with her anymore. Howard wanted the guy to call in tomorrow morning and tell his wife on the air that he's leaving her. The caller was already out of his house and staying with his sister though. Howard let the guy go and suggested that if anyone out there is leaving their wife because of something like that, they should call in and do it on the air.
A woman called in and asked Howard if she could have Howard's old iPod since he got the new one. Howard was ready to give it up but Sal came in and said that he wanted it. Howard told Sal that he'd be creeped out if Sal had it and he'd rather give it to the woman on the phone. Gary told Howard to hold onto the old one because you never know when you may need it. Howard told the woman that he'd take her number and if he doesn't need the old iPod, she can have it. The guys asked her if she was hot. She said that she has been told she's pretty hot and had sent in a picture of herself naked that they had hanging on the back of his bathroom door. Howard told Gary to go get the picture because he remembered that she was pretty hot. Gary came back with a picture but it wasn't the right one.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard about some accessories for the iPod that he uses. He told Howard about a wireless connector for his car and a microphone that he could use to record on it. Vinnie uses the microphone for recording his Podcast. Howard told him that maybe he should be working out instead of doing a Podcast. They goofed on Vinnie about his weight a little bit and about his many iPods that he uses to listen to different types of music. He explained how he has 3 of them so he can put new music on one, old radio shows and stuff on another and his music library on another. Gary told Howard about some other tech stuff that Vinnie has in his house that allows him to be even more lazy. Howard asked Vinnie which one he would throw away if he had to get rid of just one. Vinnie said it would be the old, original one that's so clunky. Howard let him go a short time later but Vinnie got in a plug for his web site RipTheMusic.com. He said he's got 8 Podcasts up on the site now and he's working on more. Gary said that Vinnie has told him about how he doesn't have any CDs anymore because he has ripped them all to his server and doesn't need the CDs anymore. Howard just wanted to end the show so he cut everyone off and had Robin finish up her news. They ended the show around 10:40am
Howard started off the show saying that the show wouldn't be very good today because he was up since 2:30 this morning. He wasn't able to take an Ambien because he'd be so groggy this morning if he did. He said he's all pumped up about the new place they're going to work. He also mentioned he got a black iPod Nano Black 4 GB that he was looking to get. Yesterday he had a 2 GB unit but someone hooked him up with the 4 yesterday. He said he's been learning how to drag and drop albums on it and told Robin not to get started on that because it's so addictive. He's been using it to listen to the many deejays around the country that he's audititioning for his stations over at SIRIUS. He was all hyped up about that and then he was talking about getting up at 2:30 and writing down ideas for his new job over at SIRIUS. Bubba the Love Sponge shot him an e-mail saying that he wasn't able to sleep last night either. That led to Howard talking about how Bubba was fired by Clear Channel but at least he got paid. Howard was fired by Clear Channel and then he had to fight for the money they owed him for the contract they signed with him. Now Howard has read that Danny Bonaduce is in the same situation. He's trying to get money from Clear Channel after getting fired by them. Howard talked about how this guy John Hogan, who runs Clear Channel, is really bizarre looking. He said the guy is out there talking about him again and saying that they got rid of Howard Stern on their own terms. He pointed out that they did nothing on their own terms, they just bowed down to the FCC. Howard was reading this stuff from Billboard Radio Monitor and said that they'll print just about anything because they're printing stuff about Mancow that makes it sound like he dominates anywhere he goes. He went off on them for a short time and said that they should be doing some follow-up questions for these people who are just lying.
Gary said that even when Howard does nothing it turns to news. He said there was an article at Friday Morning Quarterback wrote an article about how there's nothing going on over there. Who else gets an article written about how they're doing nothing? Howard wanted to have the message changed for the scroll that happens on the SIRIUS tuners from ''We're Building toward Howard's arrival in January.'' to something more interesting. They were talking about doing something where they list the size of his package but the delay was hit multiple times. He was going to list them as ''Howard Fact:..'' and then list his package size. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that he has gone a little too far talking about this stuff and asked him to stop because it's like an advertisement. Howard apologized to Tom and said that he would put up a message over there that says ''Listen to K-Rock'' as a favor back to the station. He explained that he's just talking about his life and apologized to him. He was talking about all of the messages he wanted to put up on the tuners so people could watch them change all morning. Tom will have a bunch of messages about how big he is and how he doesn't pleasure himself and how great he is. He told Gary that he wants the messages changed every hour and here are some of the lines he wants them to say:
Shuli called in and said that they could put up some posts about how ''Tom beat cancer'' and ''Tom also beat up his suit.'' He also asked Tom if he has a SIRIUS radio and if he will listen to Howard after he leaves. Tom said he does not own one now and he doesn't know if he will buy one but he wouldn't say ''no.'' Shuli said that Tom should listen so he can hear what the show should sound like without him around. Howard told Shuli that he's screwing up his negotiations with Tom by bad mouthing him. He let Shuli go after that because he was still messing with Tom calling him names and stuff.
Howard asked Tom about what they're going to do with the studio once he leaves. Tom said they're going to be leaving the studio the same size and they're hoping that the replacement for Howard is a big show so they may need the space. Howard had to work a lot of years for that space and his replacement is just going to inherit that space. He talked about how after he got fired from DC101 years ago, the station hired the Greaseman to replace him and gave him all the money that Howard was asking for. Howard, Robin and Gary talked about all of the other guys who screwed with them and gave people stuff they didn't work for but that's what happens when someone replaces you. Howard said he thinks he knows what's going on there and the studio is going to be changed. Tom said they're going to open up the studio so they can show the windows that are actually in there. Howard wanted to do that now so they could have some light in there.
Howard said that next week they're going to be going through stuff on the wall, clearing out the stuff they're allowed to take with them to the new place. He even thought about selling some of the stuff in the studio. He's going to sell the couch they have in there since E! owned it but told Howard he could keep it. Gary talked about all of the great guests they've had on the couch and what a buy that would be. Gary asked Tom one more question about Tom going with them to SIRIUS. Howard said that there's always a chance but Tom shouldn't say anything on the air because he'll probably get fired. Tom asked Howard to go to break after that so that's what they did.
The guys remembered when Stuttering John was talking about hiring Cheap Trick to perform at his summer picnic. They were about the same cost as George Thoroughgood. The guys goofed on George's music for a minute and then talked about their upcoming packing of the bags that they'll be doing starting next week. Howard also mentioned that he was with the In Demand people yesterday and saw the opening to his new TV show that looks really creepy... which is what he was going for. He said he was doing that and then looking at his channels at SIRIUS all night. He didn't get a lot of sleep because he's flying so high.
Howard had Gary come in to talk about what they're going to be doing when they start packing next week but he got sidetracked with some Mike Walker stuff. He said Mike sounds kind of ''fruity'' sometimes so they took his audio clips and called a gay sex phone chat thing. The gay guy who answered the phone started right in and had Mike going right along with him. They had Mike making some pretty odd sounds. Howard thought it sounded pretty real to him and that's what it would sound like if Mike did call one of those sex lines.
Howard had Gary get to the wall of tapes that they have behind Fred. They have so many old bits that they can play while they're ''packing'' next week. They have tons of great songs that have been performed on the show over the years. They'll play that stuff one last time starting next week and then they'll be bulk erasing them since Howard can't take them with him. The radio station won't be able to play them either so they're just going to destroy them. They played ''Stuck on and Island with Queers'' song parody they did about Rudy from ''Survivor'' for the last time and said that will be erased and gone forever. Howard thought it was a bit dated but it still works.
Gary had one more tape that they were going to have to destroy. It was James Taylor performing ''Woodstock'' live in the studio. Howard said that it's one of his favorite moments from the show and it was killing him that the company won't let him have this stuff. He told Gary to go ahead and destroy it. He then played his favorite clip from COPS where a crazy guy is taken down by a cop in a restaurant as he was yelling about ''peace for mankind.'' They had a song parody made up using clips from that audio clip that was put to the tune of ''YMCA'' since the guy was yelling out ACLU while he was being tackled. Howard said that was Dan the Song Parody Man working hard on the song parody.
Howard said that the stupidity continues on Tyra Banks' show. She has a sign off that goes ''Thanks for hanging out with me... Later!'' Howard played a quick clip of that and then talked about Angelina Jolie's image change and how she went from a ''dirty girl'' to a classy saint-like woman who goes around with her adopted kids talking about the horrors of tsunami's and things like that. She's the one who used to go around kissing her brother on the red carpet as if she was making out with him. She also used to carry around Billy Bob Thornton's blood. Howard figures that someone must have gotten a hold of her and told her to get involved with charities instead of doing the wacky stuff. Howard suggested that she put a banana in her mouth so they can at least think about what she might sound like while she's servicing a man.
Brandi said that it was her web site that got her into trouble with her parents. Artie remembered some of her story about doing some swinging with her neighbors and rehashed some of that. Brandi said that she hasn't spoken to her parents since the show where they heard about what she does. Gary told Howard that Sal the Stockbroker was checking out her web site the other day and had to run to McDonalds to take care of himself after seeing it. Gary said that Sal is actually mad at this chick and thinks that her kids really should be taken away from her. He came in and said that her pictures really did turn him on though. Sal told Howard what turned him on but the delay was hit when he was describing it. Gary doesn't think that Sal made it to McDonalds before he pleasured himself. Sal said that he did get there because if he did it there at the station Tom will fire him.
Howard let Brandi get in a plug for her organization's web site ParentsInAdult.com. He asked Sal what he thinks about her keeping her kids. Sal said that she shouldn't be allowed to have her 5 year old daughter because of what she does. Howard said that Sal is one to talk because he has young kids and he's going to the booths watching live sex shows. Brandi said that if you're a good parent it shouldn't matter what you do for a living. Howard said he wanted her to put that banana back in her mouth. Gary asked Howard if he thinks she should be allowed to keep her kid. Howard and Artie both said ''yes'' quickly and Fred had to think about his answer. He said it's fine as long as she's not using drugs or anything like that. Howard gave her some plugs for her web site BrandiLove.com which is where Sal was when he got so turned on. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Brandi about what her parents did by calling DSS. She said they did an investigation into her life and found that she was fine as a mother though so she's keeping the kid.
Howard mentioned ''Smallville'' again and wondered why Clark lost his powers again because they didn't explain it on the show. They didn't get into too many details because Howard wanted to talk about this guy William Bennet who recently suggested that to drop the crime rate, all black babies be aborted. Howard said that this is a guy who has gone off on him about his radio show. He said that people are starting to go after that lunatic now that he's said that on the air. Howard said that the guy has a wacky explanation for the comments he made but they don't make any sense to him. Howard replayed the clip where Bennet made his abortion comments and picked that apart. Howard said he hopes that people start to rip that guy apart.
Howard said that he feels kind of bad for Tara Reid these days because she seems to be breaking down and her body is turning into a mess. Her E! show was recently canceled and now she's freaking out because no one will hire her for any movies. Gary came in and told Howard that Bill Bennet is one of those guys who sells all kinds of crap on his web site. He sells his book to his fans and charges them even more for autographed books. Howard said that the guy is a scumbag and they should be calling him Bill Scumbag from now on. Gary read through some of the other crap the guy sells and had everyone goofing on him and other guys who sell their crap on their radio show web sites.
A listener called in and told Howard about ''Smallville'' and why Clark lost his powers. The guy explained how Jorell took away his powers because he didn't return to finish his education in the Fortress of Solitude. Howard wondered if this caller knew what the numbers in ''Lost'' mean but the guy had no idea even though he thought he did.
Robin said that Bill the Slow Adult keeps stopping her down on the street and tells her that he wants to be one of the people that comes up to say goodbye to them before they leave. Howard said they have to start doing that stuff soon because they don't have much longer on the air. A phone caller suggested that Howard start a Howard Stern Museum. Howard told the guy he'd like to do that but he's got so much going on right now that he can't do it. He went on to talk about how he was listening to his radio yesterday getting all charged up about the move even though there's nothing on his channel yet. He has a bunch of stuff going on today plus he's going to see Paul McCartney with his 12 year old daughter tonight. He's hoping the guy performs Beatles songs in his show. He doesn't want to hear his new stuff. Howard wants to get some sleep today because he hasn't been sleeping much with everything going on.
Jason came in and said that he had a set list from McCartney's last concert. Howard read through that and saw that there were a bunch of great old songs but there were also some new songs thrown in. He gave it a couple of ''Ughs'' as he was reading through the list. There were a lot of new songs that he had no desire to hear. Gary laughed and said that the guy is trying to sell a new album so you have to expect him to perform some new stuff. Fred thought the set list kind of sucked. Vinnie Favale, huge Beatles fan, called in and told Howard that everyone is hoping Paul performs a certain song but Howard told him he doesn't care about that. Howard was fine with the set list even though there were a few new songs in there.
Howard had another voice mail from her where she was rambling about a band or something but she really did sound kind of crazy. He asked Sal if she's cute or not. Sal said that this wacko broad is cute and thin. She ended up hanging up on them. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Paul McCartney impression and performing some songs for him. Howard said that maybe he'd skip the real concert and just take his daughter down to listen to this guy. Sour Shoes did more Paul McCartney and some Cousin Brucie too. Howard mentioned that he was listening to Brucie's show on SIRIUS last night and Brucie was talking about him trying to make it seem like they have mutual respect for each other. Brucie took a call from someone who told him that he should just retire already. Howard did his impression of Brucie for a short time and goofed on him for a few minutes.
Howard said that Courtney Love was stealing the show at the Pam Anderson roast. She was rolling around and doing all kinds of things to get attention. She was also claiming that she was sober there and not too many people believed that. Greg said that he had to quit drinking back in May and he's been sober since then. Howard told Greg that Artie had that problem but he's back to drinking already. Howard heard that Greg's wife gave him an ultimatum and made him stop drinking. Greg said that was about right and he really was out of control so he stopped. Gary said that he heard Greg didn't have an intervention but some friends came up to him and said some things to him. Greg said that Dave Attell told him that if he ever falls off the wagon again that he should call him. Artie said that he heard stories about some people that gave him a wake up call. Greg thought that he was perfectly functional because he could make it to a show at 8 o'clock at night. Greg said he would just hang out on the couch during the day and make his way to the clubs at night. Now he has to struggle day by day to get through to the comedy shows. Greg said that now he wants to drink even more now that he's quit. He said he did have an incident down in Florida about a month ago and got back to drinking which led to him not getting paid for the show he did and had to pay back for his airfare and stuff like that.
Greg said that being sober you see just how crazy his drinking was because you can sit back and watch how normal people drink. They can have 2 shots and stop while Greg is asking them why they're stopping and not going out to get some coke. Artie has a gig tomorrow night at a place called The Big Kahuna and that's where you just want to drink. Greg said that he knows guys who have stopped drinking but they still do coke once in a while.
Howard gave Greg some plugs for his new TV show ''Friday Night with Greg Giraldo'' which airs on Comedy Central. You can find out more about that and Greg's upcoming gigs at GregGiraldo.com
Howard had mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
A little later on during the news a caller asked Howard what's going on with Cabbie. Howard said he got a letter from him recently and Cabbie is doing okay but he'd like some magazines and stuff like that sent to him. He said that he tries not to say too much to Cabbie about missing too much while he's in there because he doesn't want him to get upset. The caller wondered if Cabbie is going to go over to SIRIUS with him. Howard said you never know and maybe he will. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:20am.