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| Wednesday | Thursday |
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| Friday | This Week On E! |
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Howard started off the show talking about Mike Tyson talking about retiring after he was defeated in a fight on Saturday night. Robin said it's kind of sad at this point and she didn't bother paying to see the fight. Howard also brought up how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new movie made $50 million over the weekend. Artie was chuckling in the background so Howard mentioned that he's back and asked him if he wants to explain where he was or not. Artie said he didn't care. He already had a guy on the phone who wanted to tell them that Artie is on drugs. Artie said it's not drugs but drinking had something to do with him missing the days. He said his drinking from last weekend went on into the week and it was kind of a depression thing that was going on. Robin asked him how it encroached on the week after the weekend. Artie said he was drinking more and more recently so things were getting kind of bad. He said he didn't start doing coke again. If he did, he said he'd be down in Mexico or something like that. Howard said it was nice to have Artie back. Artie said that he wasn't able to function last week and that's why he couldn't come in. He apologized to Howard for the hassle.
Artie said he wasn't eating last week because of his illness. Howard told him he looks pretty thin. Artie said he's thinner than ever now. They brought up Artie's upcoming movie that he's going to be shooting this summer. Artie said that things have been going well with that and he's going to have Nick Turturro and Laurie Metcalf in the movie. Howard said that's great and then asked him who they are. Artie said that Nick is John Turturro's brother and Laurie was on The Norm show with him years ago.
The guys talked about the Puerto Rican Day Parade that went on in the city over the weekend. Howard said he had to drive through it and it was pretty tough to get around. Artie said it seems to be still going on this morning. Gary came in and brought up how a lot of people were upset when shop keepers started boarding up their windows along the parade route. Howard said the shop keepers have to do that because they've had damage done in the past.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Artie she was glad he was back. She also brought up an esquire magazine article that Howard is mentioned in but Howard didn't know what she was talking about. Mariann was glad Artie was back. Bobo called in after that and said that Artie was almost like another Jackie Marling and said that if he hadn't come back today, he would have been gone. Artie said that he's now in therapy officially and he spent 2 hours talking to a guy yesterday. Howard figured it must have been an emergency if the guy saw him on a Sunday. Artie told Howard that the guy is a fan of the show and you could almost hear Howard rolling his eyes. He said if Artie feels better after the therapy then it must be doing him good. Artie said the guy has recommended that he come five times a week. Howard said that's about right and he should be going that often. Howard has to go a few times a week. Artie said some of the pressure was coming from this upcoming movie of his but it wasn't all because of what Howard said on the air about it. He said he has issues about his own abilities and whether or not he's going to be able to pull it off. He's going to be the star of the movie and he's never done something like that. Artie said he's used to disappointment and he knows that this could go all wrong. He said he can't even look at himself on TV because it makes him sick. He was talking about how he hates seeing these old movies and specials he did.
Artie said he has a lot of strong women in his life who helped him get through all of that stuff last week. Dana is still hanging in there and his mother and sister are saints. He's very self destructive and he's lost jobs because of that. Howard told him not to blow this job. Artie said the job is the best and he doesn't want to blow it. He told Robin that he's now on 3 types of ''anti nuts'' medication so he should be okay this week. Howard said he spoke to Artie last week and Artie told him that he was on the medication and he's not supposed to drink while on the meds. He doesn't know if he wants to live life not being able to drink. Artie was asking what the point of living is if he can't drink. Howard told him it was time to see the shrink after he heard that. Artie said he didn't cry or curl up into a ball while all of this was going on. He said he didn't curl up into a ball because he physically can't do that. They had some fun talking about that for a few seconds.
A phone caller told Howard that he thinks Artie should be fired. Artie said he doesn't have an argument for that but Howard said he was sick and now he's back so he's not going to be fired. That phone caller also brought up the gay pride parade and talked about how the gay guys walk around with their private parts hanging out. Howard said that at least the gay guys walking around in belly shirts are in shape, unlike the Puerto Rican woman that were walking around over the weekend.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Artie how Dana helped out last week. Artie said that she spent a lot of time over at his place and she's just a sweetheart. Howard thought it sounded like the mental illness has brought them even closer together. Artie said that could be the case. Robin asked him if the medication actually increased throughout the week. Artie said there are a bunch of meds that have to balance each other out and that's what they're trying to do with him. He said he's trying to fight through it right now. Howard said he loves this stuff and can't wait to see what he does next. Artie said he's gone nuts about 5 times now and Howard and Robin haven't seen that happen until now. Howard told him that if he can't just get out of bed and come to a cush job, then there's something wrong with him. He said Artie skipped a Scores party last week because of this stuff. Howard told Artie that he should do as much therapy as he can stand because it really does help. Howard has been going for years now and it's just now starting to get through to him. Robin wondered if Artie should be jumping into it this fast. Howard said he really should just jump right in and get some help. Artie said his friends have been telling him that he's like a lottery winner with this job of his and he's trying not to blow it. Howard suggested that Artie try out a couple of therapists and find one who he gets along with. Artie said he has a couple of numbers that he's going to call. He likes this guy he's already talking to so he's not worried about that. Howard told him that if he's in bad shape, he needs to take care of this.
Howard told Artie about how mental Robin was at one time and how she was able to get herself fixed up after going through therapy. Howard said he was so ill himself that he would put up with Robin's wacky behavior. These days he wouldn't do that. Robin wondered why Howard put up with it too. They had a lot of stuff going on off the air back in the late 80's. Gary said that Robin would get really pissed off at people and yell at them when she couldn't find an umbrella or something like that. Robin said she was doing about 3 days of therapy a week when she was really bad. She said she sometimes had to go to therapy first before going to work because she was wondering how she was going to get through a day of work. Gary said he talked to Artie last night and it was kind of depressing to hear Artie tell him that he's just one big F-up. Hook Nose Mike said he was a counselor at one point in his life and he can help Artie out if he ever wants to talk. Artie sounded kind of surprised to hear that from a guy whose catch phrase is ''Hook nosed Jew bastard.''
Artie was talking about how he was thinking about all of these things that were going on in his life and how he was really just thinking about money. He was grabbing up all of the comedy gigs he could get onto but now he says he's got nothing scheduled. Howard said that they had to take a break because they'd gone 40 minutes without a break so far. He told Artie it was good to have him back today and went to break a short time later.
Howard had another call that Sal and Richard made to a woman about a garage sale that she wasn't actually having. Richard called the woman back as Sal's wife and the woman said they sounded like a ''couple of queers.'' She figured them out when they called back as the police.
Howard took a call from a guy who was looking to get a copy of Artie's DVD but Howard said he didn't have time to mess around with that. Artie changed subjects and said he heard that Dave Chappelle is going back to Comedy Central. Howard said he watched ''Team America'' over the weekend and thought it was pretty funny. He said the DVD has a sex scene in it that was really funny. There are a couple of puppets that have sex and one of them craps and the other one pees during the sex scene. Howard also played a song from the movie where they sang a song about AIDS that was pretty funny. Howard said that ''Family Guy'' had an AIDS song on it as well so he played that. Howard hasn't seen the show but Robin told him that it's actually a great show.
Howard had an audio clip of Paul Giamatti being very complimentary toward him on MSNBC but the host of the show can't seem to accept the fact that Howard Stern has done something great. Paul said that he owes everything in his life to Howard Stern for casting him in ''Private Parts'' and the female host couldn't accept that. Howard said it was like he was saying ''Osama bin Laden'' or something.
Shuli suggested that Howard line up 10 photos and have Sal tell them where they were taken. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. Sal was talking about Howard's calves and how he remembers seeing them in those pictures from the Hamptons. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Sal asked him if they could come and pick him up to go somewhere and sit with them wherever they're going. Howard told Sal that he's retarded when he does that stuff. He said that Sal scares him with that stuff. Gary then asked Sal if it's true he's been snooping around trying to find out who Howard's shrink is because he wants to go the same guy. Sal said he has a perfect explanation for that. He said that he's not going to blow up anymore and he's going to be a nice guy. He said that after Howard read an email on the air about how he needs to get some help, he figured that Howard's shrink would be best at trying to figure out his problems because he knows Howard's problems. Howard said that Sal is trying to be with him way too much and if he sees his shrink or even finds out his shrink's name, he's going to fire him. Sal asked Howard if it's a guy or a woman. Howard said it's a woman and he's being dead serious. He doesn't want to fire him, but he will if he interferes with his personal life. Sal said that it's his personal life too. Howard told Sal that he's got nothing to do with his personal life though. Sal said he is part of Howard and Howard is part of him.
Sal said that he and Howard have similar thoughts so that's why the shrink would understand him like they understand Howard. Howard said that Sal wanted to be with him and Beth in the past, now he wants to be with him and his therapist. That led to them playing the ''Crazy'' song parody about Sal. Sal left the room while the song was playing. Howard took some phone calls after that and people were telling him to get rid of the guy already. They played another song parody about Sal's weird behavior. They had audio clips from when he was under hypnosis and was willing to touch Howard and service him if he had to. That was to the tune of Richard Marx's ''Right Here Waiting.''
Sal came back in and told the guys that the hypnosis was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He mentioned that he did a comedy gig this weekend and someone asked him if it was real. Rev. Bob Levy was there and told the woman that of course it was real, when most people go under hypnosis they turn into chickens, when Sal went under, he turned into a homo.
Artie asked Howard if it was true that he had invited Sal the Stockbroker to Scores last week. Howard told Artie it was true and explained to him how he got invited when Gary gave him a list of guys to invite. He walked out of the station wondering if he had just invited him. He'd also mentioned that Scott the Engineer was asked not to say anything to anyone when he left the studio. He was asking people if they were going after he was asked to stay quiet. Scott came in and said that he only said it to Ronnie the Limo Driver. Ronnie told Howard that Scott had said it to him but there were a bunch of people in the hall when he said it. Howard said that he almost didn't go to his buddy Ross' bachelor party because he didn't want Sal staring at him. Sal was telling Howard that he remembers seeing Howard wearing a light blue ringer t-shirt that day and that was creeping Howard out again.
A listener called in and told Howard that he used to be friends with this guy who was kind of like Sal and ended up trying to kill him. Howard said that whenever Sal is around, he wants Ronnie around to keep an eye on him. The caller told Howard to get rid of Sal now before he does kill him. Howard said he might want Sal to wear handcuffs when he comes in the studio. Ronnie told Howard that Sal was talking to Gary about the shrink thing and Sal said that he has to go to Howard's shrink because he knows everything about him. Ronnie told Sal that he's got to stop with this stuff because he is going to get fired. Sal asked to please get out of the conversation because he was getting scared. Howard told him that it could all stop if he just stopped doing this weird stuff. He told Sal that he has to go to a shrink but not his shrink. He doesn't want Sal sitting anywhere near him today and not behind him at all. Howard and the guys spent a couple more minutes talking about that but Howard had to take a break. He let Sal go but took another phone call before going to break. A listener called in and told Artie that he's great on the show and he shouldn't feel like a lottery winner because he was chosen to be on the show, they didn't draw his name from a hat or something like that. Artie thanked the guy for that. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard if he has an appointment with Dr. Kervorkian (wink wink) so maybe Sal should be going to see him. Howard is afraid that Sal is going to wig out and kill everyone there but he'd probably be safe. He thinks of himself as Jodie Foster while everyone else there is Ronald Regan to Sal's John Hinckley. Howard figures he's safe but no one else is. He went to break after that.
Howard read a story from the Drudge Report about a guy who claims that Bill Clinton raped Hilary to conceive Chelsea. Howard read the article and wondered why they can't leave just leave the Clinton's alone. He thought that Clinton was a bright man and did some great things while he was in office. He spent a few minutes talking about Clinton and what he thought of his presidency. He thinks that this claim that Chelsea Clinton was conceived because of a rape is outrageous.
Howard said that Razor magazine gave out an award and said that Joe Clayton is a visionary. Robin asked who Joe Clayton is. Howard told her that Joe is the guy who was Chairman of the Board at SIRIUS when they signed him. Howard said he knows the guy and he thinks that he's got a lot to do with the beginning of satellite radio and no one will ever acknowledge that. Howard explained how Joe understands manufacturing and he really liked the guy. He's no longer the Chairman of the Board over there but he's still at the company. Howard hopes that he has a big role over there. He said that there are a lot of complicated things going on over there and Joe understands it. He said the guy has a southern accent but you're not dealing with a hillbilly when you deal with Joe. He said he hopes that Joe doesn't sit on the sidelines over there.
Jessi told a story about being with one woman she met at strip club. Howard checked out her body and said she has a nice flat stomach. Howard had Richard come in a short time later. He asked Richard when he last got laid. Richard said it was October 2003! He said that Jessi Lee looks great to him. She showed him her ass and Richard told her that she doesn't really need implants from what he sees. Howard told her that he just looks at them for 2 seconds and doesn't spend any time on them really. He told Jessi that she really doesn't need implants. Richard said there aren't that many things you can do with boobs anyway. Howard told her that he's a vagina man, not a breast man. He said he'd just spend a few seconds on the breasts and move on to the lower half. Howard said he doesn't like breasts that look like pancakes or fried eggs. He also doesn't like women who have hair on their breasts. He said women can tweeze that stuff.
Jessi Lee said that she last had sex with a guy in January. She said that she thought Richard looked good in person and she was looking forward to going out with him. Howard read that she pleasured herself while thinking about Richard. She did that while she was at home recently. She explained how she was thinking about hanging out with Richard at his apartment while watching some porn. She said she likes girl on girl stuff and Richard said he's got some of that. Howard told Richard not to get right into the porn with her. Jessi is also looking forward to getting some cheesecake with Richard while she's in New York. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he had some cheesecake if Richard wants to eat some off of her belly or ass. Howard skipped that and got back to Jessi's fantasy about being with Richard. She explained more about what she thought about doing at his apartment. The delay was hit multiple times during these conversations.
Jessi is going to be in town just until tomorrow. Richard said that's fine and he's probably going to be taking her out to the chinese restaurant that he goes to every day. Gary said that Richard has told him that he would still like to do the porn thing on Friday nights like he's been doing for the past 10 years or so. He would still like to keep that night to himself even if he was with a woman. Richard said that Jessi is cool with it. She said that they could actually share the porn if they were together. Howard wanted to see if the two of them had any chemistry so she had them kiss. Jessi went right over to her and kissed him. Howard said that it looked like Richard opened his mouth too fast. She said it was a little too fast but it wasn't all that bad. Howard asked her to admit that she was kind of turned off by it but she said she's had worse. Howard said he jammed his tongue right down her throat but she said he didn't. Howard told him to take it easy at first and work his way into it. Howard had them try it again. This tim Richard took it easy and didn't open his mouth right away. Howard had them pull apart and Jessi said it was good. Howard said she was soaked after the first kiss. Richard was excited and that's why he did that.
Howard got back to the cheesecake idea and asked them to do something with that. Richard said he'd eat the cheesecake off of her stomach and then eat a strawberry with whipped cream off her ass. They got right into it and Richard ate some cheesecake off her stomach. He was licking her entire stomach and she seemed to be liking it. Howard said she was getting even better looking as it went along. Howard said her stomach was soaking wet after he licked her. Howard had Richard eat the strawberry off her ass after that. Richard stuck a strawberry on her ass and she said it felt kind of awkward. He ate it out of there and Howard thought she looked great. He said she's got a nice ass and maybe she could become ''Jessi Lee Christy'' eventually. Doug Goodstein was still there and said that he had a protein shake and a cucumber if she wanted to drink Richard's Protein Shake or play with his cucumber. Howard didn't know what he was up to and asked him to leave after that. Howard asked Jessi and Richard to fill them in about what happens after their date. He told Richard no to kill this one and to treat her right on their date. He had to take another break after that.
Howard had a new roast from Rev. Bob Levy. Levy roasted Imus for some reason but Howard wasn't sure why. He said something lit a fire under Bob's ass. Bob sounded very angry in the roast. Howard said he doesn't like Imus either but Bob seemed to really hate the guy. Howard figured that Bob is pretty angry since he has to live in the basement of his house now that he's divorced from his wife.
Howard had a new message from an IP relay operator who had to read a text message from someone who left a message for Gary. The person doesn't want Gary in the studio anymore and called him a horse tooth jackass. Howard and Robin talked about some things that they could do with those operators. Howard said they could have a guy who is getting divorced call and leave a message for their wife or something like that. Sal came in and said he could call the operator and try out the lines live. Howard told him they'd work it out later.
Howard played a new message from Jeff Levy the vomit guy who said he's still looking for women to vomit on him. He got in a plug for his web site where you can get in contact with him... JeffTheVomitGuy.com. Howard took a couple of phone calls after that. One guy asked Howard about all of the mental people he has working with him these days. They talked about Artie and Sal a little bit and also talked about Richard's date with Jessi. The guy wondered if Richard will end up marrying Jessi. That led to the guys talking about Artie's issues last week. Artie said he had a really bad week last week and didn't know why he was doing all of this stuff. He wasn't eating and he was just sitting around doing nothing all day. He said he was drinking through Wednesday and then he had the shakes from detoxing. Robin said that's pretty serious when you get the shakes from detoxing. Artie said that booze amplifies his mood so if he's happy, he gets really happy. If he's in a bad mood he just gets really depressed. He talked about how out of control his drinking was for the past couple of weeks. He was getting really depressed while that was going on. Robin asked Artie what happened when he was supposed to call Howard. Howard said he figured it out and ended up calling him instead of waiting for him to call. Artie said he would have called eventually but Howard's call to him was a big catalyst in getting him to snap out of it. Artie said that the messages he left when he would call in sick were always just him being hung over. He wasn't drunk when he'd call.
Dave the Pinocchio called in and told Artie to just stop with the comedy stuff and the movies and just concentrate on the radio show. Howard said that he's very excited that Artie is going to a therapist now because he's going to take control of his life. He thinks that Artie is going to be a man and maybe even have just one key to his apartment. He said he needs to concentrate on himself right now and that's what he's doing. Howard said that Artie's problems are not caused by the show, they're caused by Artie's life. Howard had to take another break so he wrapped up that discussion. He also got in a quick mention that they have a picture of Richard Christy making out with Jessi up on HowardStern.com.
Howard started off the show mentioning that Artie was actually there for two days in a row. Artie had gone to the shrink yesterday instead of going to see the new ''Batman Begins'' movie with everyone else. Artie said he wasn't all that psyched about seeing Batman. Howard and Robin both loved it and Robin said it was the best one ever. Howard said the first half of the movie was a bit long and he didn't think they gave Katie Holmes much of a part. He also said he'll definitely see the movie again. The one thing he complained about was the number of people at the screening. He said he couldn't even get a good seat and it was like being at the real movies. He said he's going to cut the list to at least half so he doesn't have to have everyone from the station there. The screening room was nice but it was too cold for Howard. Benjy and Fred weren't there. Fred said that he had to cancel a few things last week because his wife and baby were sick so he was making up for that yesterday. He had a training session yesterday and had to do some banking as well. Fred said the trainer is a dude because he would be too distracted if he had a female trainer. Howard said he feels the same way. He got back to the Batman movie and talked about how great the Scarecrow character was.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about his DVD player and how the thing freezes up on him. He just got a new DVD player and that one freezes up just like the old one did. He said that he saw that Sal and Ralph had good seats yesterday at the screening and when he saw that he figured he was going to start changing things. Adam Duritz was on the list and he wanted to bring a couple of friends but Howard said no to that. Adam didn't show up because he had something else to do. Gary said that Ross was telling him that he must have been off the list for this movie but he was on the list for the last movie. Howard said he keeps adding names to the movie list instead of weeding some people out. Howard keeps inviting his old girlfriend from when he was about 16 to the movies to impress her. He said there are some people who never invite him to anything that he's got to take off the list.
Howard said that Al Rosenberg is on the list and he drove in a few hours just to get there. Howard read through the list and said he sees some names he's got to take off. He said there were about 100 names on the list. Benjy asked him if he even recognizes all of the names. Howard said ''Of course'' and then Robin asked him to give some of the names of the people that he'll take off. Howard didn't want to do that so he read some of the names of the people who are going to stay on the list. His daughters and his girlfriend are staying on the list. Beth walked out of the movie yesterday because she was cold and not enjoying the movie. Robin and Fred will stay on the list. Howard ran across one name that he didn't recognize but he didn't want to name names. Robin went through the list of people that showed up yesterday trying to figure out who he's going to cut off. He cut her off and moved on.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard who was better as Batman, the new guy or Michael Keaton. Howard said that this new guy is better than all of them. They were also talking about the sequel which is supposed to have Crispen Glover playing The Joker. Robin thought that was a bad idea. They talked a bit more about the characters in the current movie and how good everyone was. Howard wrapped up that conversation and said he had to take a break. He mentioned that they were going to go over Richard Christy's date from yesterday and Dave Grohl and Taylor Hawkins from the Foo Fighters would be stopping by later on as well. He listened to the Foo Fighters' ''My Hero'' for a couple of minutes and talked about how great that song is. He went to break after that.
Howard mentioned that Jackson seemed like he was so medicated during the trial that he could barely stand. Now he's a free man but his career here in the States is probably ruined. He can go over to Europe to perform though because they don't seem to care if you've slept with kids. Howard doesn't understand how the guy can be in such financial ruin. He said he doesn't get how Mike Tyson can be broke either because the guy made tons of money. That led to the guys talking about how much money Tyson owes and how he apparently only got about $200,000 of the $5 million purse from his recent fight. Gary heard that he was paying all kinds of ridiculous amounts of money to feed his lions and law mowing. Howard had to take another break after talking about that for a few minutes.
Bobo called in and said that the stock shot up after they announced that new tech. Howard told Bobo that he has nothing to do with the stock and he just tells people to enjoy the service. Howard went on to talk about how he thinks that Infinity is going to blow them out of there before their December vacation. He had a bunch of e-mail about that and a bunch of other things. He tried to find some of the stuff he wanted to read. Howard read through some mail about Artie and how it's not a big deal that Artie can't handle the pressure of all of the work he's doing. People seem to be pretty happy that he's back now. Howard read through some of the mail supporting Artie and then some from people who didn't care that he was out sick and aren't so happy that he's back. A few haters said they're not glad he's back and told him to stop whining about his problems. Howard said some people think that he's been a dick to Artie about his upcoming movie shoot. One person said that Howard must feel threatened by Artie's career and that's why he's been bashing the movie. Howard said he doesn't feel like he's rained on Artie's parade but Robin said he has been kind of tough on him about some stuff. Howard talked about his advice to Artie about the movie he's shooting this summer and how he has supported him in the things he's done but he didn't think that Artie should have to take off an extra 3 weeks this summer. He also said that if the movie is going to drive him so nuts that he's going to be drinking and staying home for a week and then having to take three medications to keep him straight, maybe he shouldn't do the movie at all.
Sal said he learned something new about Howard yesterday. He learned that he showers after the show. Howard said he went for a run after the show and he didn't want to stink. Sal said he's thinking about running and asked Howard who would be a better bodyguard for him. Howard wondered who would protect him from him. Gary asked Sal what his wife said to him when he went home yesterday. Sal said she doesn't even talk to him. Gary said he's heard that his wife has asked him why he doesn't ''leave those people alone.'' Sal said that his wife didn't like Howard in the past but now she defends him when she hears these stories. Sal thanked Howard for letting him come to the movie screening yesterday. He was also talking about how good Howard looked when he showed up to the movie screening. Howard said he creeps him out when he talks about that stuff. Sal was also saying that Beth doesn't hug and kiss him anymore because she's creeped out by him. Howard confirmed that and said she knows about all of this stuff. They've been comparing Sal to David Hinckley but Sal doesn't get the comparison. He doesn't think Jodie Foster is hot. Sal was talking about Howard's clothes and how many times he's seen him wearing certain things so Howard kicked him out of the studio. He was really disturbed by all of that.
Howard had Sal's Uncle Paulie on the phone so he got him on. Paulie had a song to sing to Howard. He sang the song and Howard told him that they have to have him down there sometime soon. Howard let him go and then Artie asked Howard if Beth is really avoiding Sal. Howard said she's just keeping her distance. Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that he has to be careful about comparing David Hinckley to Sal because he seems to be more normal than Sal. His phone connection was awful so Howard hung up on him and went to commercial break.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who said that she doesn't think that Sal is gay like they seem to think. She thinks that Sal wants to be Howard and she wonders why Howard surrounds himself with people like that. Howard said he wasn't looking for someone like that, it just happened. She also said it's kind of weird how he surrounds himself with nut cases. Howard said that he's crazy himself but he does show up for work. The woman, who said that she's a doctor, told Howard that Sal needs to get some help. She said that his obsessions are kind of odd and he obviously doesn't have very much self esteem. Robin said it does seem that Sal would love to just step into his life and start living it.
Howard had some other stuff to play after that. He had some clips from Artie's answering service where radio stations call in and leave weird messages on his service. Artie said he got both calls on the same day. The first message was from Z100 leaving a message leaving a message about how they wanted to pay his bills and he could sign up through their web site. Howard said they must be desperate for listeners if they're leaving messages like that.
A listener called in and told Howard about how the dump button had been hit on the bit he played a few minutes before. Howard said he's so done with that place. He said he is so out of there and he hates that place. He said he wasted his time making that great bit and they censor it and then hit the dump button on it. Tom came in a short time later, laughing, and said that he's not going to let him leave his contract early. Howard told him that he's got to release him because he's against Terrestrial radio. Tom kept saying ''No'' over and over again. He told Tom to ask Joel Hollander to let him go already. Tom told Howard that the bit was not bleeped properly and that's why they had to hit the dump button. Howard said he's going to paly that big, uncensored, as soon as he makes his move to the new place. Tom said that his first show is going to be 10 hours long doing all of the stuff he has planned.
Tom changed subjects and said that he got a call from someone in corporate who is worried about Sal's behavior. Howard told Tom that they should be worried but they should let him handle it. Howard said he hopes that Sal will be okay. He then asked Tom how many button hits he had to do. Tom said that it was 3 hits so it was about 12 seconds of the show that were censored out. Howard told him he wants out. He understands that the company has to protect themselves but he wants out already. Tom said he's sorry for having to put him through this stuff but he's got to do what he has to do. Howard told Tom that he has a bunch of stuff he wants to do on the show but he won't do it because he knows they'll ruin the bits. He thinks the longer he stays on the air, the more damage he's going to do to terrestrial radio. He said that SIRIUS wants him to stay on the air there because it's like free advertising for them. Howard told Tom he can't take the dumping anymore. He played a song parody to the theme of Van Halen's ''Jump'' called ''Dump'' where they used a computer voice to play the part of Tom.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Tom that he's going to burn in hell for ruining the show. Tom said that Howard's show is the best one on radio. Howard said it's not yet, but it will be in a few months. He was really frustrated by the whole thing and kicked Tom out. He said he was thinking that the audience was cracking up but meanwhile, Tom is chopping it up. Another caller said that in Chicago they're double bleeping the show and maybe he should just read from the bible one day and bore his fans away so they'll fire him. Howard said he doesn't work that way though.
Howard got back to the voice mail messages from Artie's message service. He got another call from WKTU in New York City where they just about beg for people to listen to the station to win some money. The deejays were yelling for some reason but they were on the phone. Howard said that the bust your balls for a measly thousand bucks over there. They make you listen and call in. Artie said that he got a call from a friend who had just had twins and he wasn't as excited as the dopey deejays that left the message on his machine. Howard pointed out that Nicole Brown's call to 911 was more calm than this voice mail from WKTU. He played her 911 call where she called about OJ banging on her door. Howard replayed the WKTU call again and goofed on them for a short time. He did an impression of them yelling on the phone giving away their huge one thousand dollar prize.
Another caller asked Howard about the Michael Jackson case but Howard had already talked about it so he just gave a quick run down of what he talked about earlier in the show. He spent a few minutes on that and then the caller asked Howard about the cartoon he's developing. Howard said they've written 11 episodes and did an animation test run. He said the process is slow and he shouldn't have announced it before now because it's going so slow.
Howard asked her if she was surprised that she was chosen to be one of the jurors. She said she was very surprised that she was because she tried desperately to get out of it. Howard asked Eleanor about her grandson having been convicted of a sex crime. She said that he flashed a woman when he was 18 years old and that's all he did. It was considered a felony so that's why it's on the record. Eleanor said she doesn't feel that people over 70 should be on a jury because there's such a difference in culture. She said that she's a widow and told Howard that her husband died serving this country. Howard told her that he was a hero to the country and let her go a short time later. He took a break so he could move on to Dave Grohl who was waiting out in the green room.
Howard had the guys bring in Dave Grohl and Taylor after that. Dave shook Richard's hand when he came in and Howard cringed when he saw that happening. Dave said it was basically like gay porn in there. Dave knew about the bands that richard was in. He was in Iced Earth and Death and Dave knew of both of them. He was surprised to see him sucking on a banana on the Stern show. Dave figured that's where he'll end up when his band isn't doing well. Howard asked Richard to say a few words before he left. Richard told Howard how Dave is his idol and how great his band Probot (Dave's metal band) was. Dave pointed out that he never had to suck on a banana either. Richard told Dave that he's kind of fallen out of shape since he started working on the show. Fred played some examples of Richard playing drums and the guy was great. Howard told Dave that Richard is working on the show now and he'll be going with them when they move to satellite. Howard let Richard go a short time later. He took his barf bucket with him.
Howard read that the guys were over at MTV2 doing a live show for 24 hours. Dave said they had to host for 24 hours and they were up for 24 hours before that so they were up for 48 hours straight. Howard asked the guys about their new album ''In Your Honor'' which is a double CD with 20 songs on it. He also asked Dave about what the song writing process is like. Dave said he writes a lot of them but Taylor wrote one called ''Cold Day in the Sun.'' Howard wanted to hear the song so he threw it in the CD player and played some of it. He said he liked the song after listening to a few seconds of it. Taylor said that it's not the first song he's written but it's the first one that made it on a Foo Fighters album. Dave said that he's the first guy to sing on a Foo Fighters album other than himself. Howard talked to Taylor about his past drug problems and how he almost died. He was doing all kinds of stuff and he turned himself around after that. He said he was legally dead and didn't see anything when he was out of it. Dave said that he remembers Taylor telling him he thought that they were in Bali or something. Howard wondered if Dave was worried about him since Kurt Cobain had gone through that stuff. Dave said he wasn't worried. He just let him do his thing. Taylor said he never shot up or anything, he was snorting. Howard said he's glad that he's alive. Dave didn't have a replacement in mind while all of that was going on. Howard asked Taylor if he had to go to rehab or something. Taylor went to a 2 week rock star retreat but he couldn't talk about it. Robin said he couldn't have been hanging out with plumbers and stuff. Dave said that all of those guys were wasted up there. They were actually sneaking in drugs and Taylor thought that was nuts. Dave and Howard talked about their acid use when they were younger and how crazy that stuff was. Dave did that stuff before he was 20 and that's when Howard did his stuff as well. Howard said he tells the kids not to do drugs. Dave also said that drugs are bad. Taylor said that's what gets the kids to do that stuff though. They hear the old guys talking about how bad they are and they want to try them out. Dave said he felt like he was ''trippin' balls'' after staying up for 48 hours straight.
Robin asked Dave where he's been because they missed an album. Dave said he's gotten married to a woman who used to be a model. Her name is Jordan and she worked for MTV for a while. He said they were there about 4 years go or so. He also said she asked to come down there but he told her not to. Howard was kind of bummed when he heard that. Dave got divorced about 8 years ago and then met this new chick. Howard asked him why he got married though. Dave said she's a good one and he got serious after Taylor almost dying. Dave said he's done having sex with other chicks and his wife doesn't bring other chicks into bed or anything like that. Taylor said he's engaged and he's known this chick for about 3 years or so. Taylor said that this chick cooks for him and Howard said that makes him crazy in love when a chick cooks for him. Howard said that Beth has been cooking for him and it makes him nuts. Taylor said that his girlfriend makes turkey meat loaf that would knock his socks off. Howard told the guys that Beth doesn't wear a bra when she cooks and she does that to turn Howard on. Howard asked Dave how many times a week he's having sex. Dave said it's about 2 or 3 times a week.
Howard read that Dave was staring at Jessica Simpson's ass at an award show one night and he got yelled at by her dad who caught him. Dave said that her ass is great. He was standing behind her and made some hand gestures under her ass and her dad came up to him and said he saw what he'd done. Dave didn't think he was all that serious though. Howard wondered if Dave would do her if he was single. Dave said of course he would. That led to the guys talking about Jessica's singing and how she's got ''Star Search'' vocals. Howard asked Dave if he gets Rap music. Dave said he doesn't get it but Taylor said that this guy Cook Keith is really good. Howard wondered if there's anyone that they respect. Dave said there are and they got John Paul Jones to play piano in one of their new songs. Howard played that one a short time later. Howard told the guys that they're always good. He said they might be the best around right now. Howard said they probably didn't even need the guy for that track.
Howard talked to Dave about Courtney Love and how she's going nuts gaining weight. Dave said she might have gotten herself clean and that could be the reason for the weight gain. Dave said he doesn't have to deal with her anymore now that they've gotten the Nirvana box set out. Howard figures Dave must be rolling in the dough. Dave said he loves to be on the road though and he doesn't want to just sit around doing nothing. Howard played some other songs from the new album. He played ''Best of You'' which is their current single that's being played on radio right now. He asked Dave what the song was about and Dave said that he didn't want to get specific. He ended up talking about his father a little bit and Taylor said the guy looks really cool now. He said he looks like a cool professor. Gary came in and said that he heard the song was inspired by something that went on while they were touring with John Kerry. Dave said that might have had something to do with it. They were also talking about the TV show ''Hit Me Baby One More Time'' and how a lot of the bands on that show had their own home studios and that's why they went down hill. Dave has his own studio as well. Howard told the guys that they should go on the show as a goof. Dave said they'll probably be on the show in about 15 years.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Dave about the rumors about him going out on tour with Led Zeppelin. Dave said he loved the rumors but there was no truth to them. Howard was talking about getting The Losers back together to perform some songs now that Richard is working there. Dave thought that Howard had played him one of his old songs when he was on a few years back but Howard thought he was talking about the Backside Boy's ''Every Homo'' song. Fred played that for the guys and Dave asked him if he recorded that in his home studio. Howard said he never records anything at home. He gave the guys a couple of plugs for their upcoming gigs and said he'd go see them if they did a show in New York on a Friday night. Dave said they might play at the Garden sometime.
Howard asked the guys to play something acoustic for them. Dave's voice was shot but he figured he'd do it anyway. He said he'd play ''Another Round'' which is one of the songs on their acoustic album. Artie liked the song, he was sitting in the back with his eyes closed. Bong Hit Eric called in a short time later and told the guys that the song was great and he wanted to do a hit with them. He took a hit off the bong and asked the guys if they do that stuff. Dave and Taylor said that they used to do that stuff but not anymore. Eric said the last time he had a job was back in 2001 or so. He said he can't do a 9 to 5 job. Howard had Eric take a couple of hits before the got off the phone. Eric coughed a little bit after taking the hit. Howard took another phone call from a guy who brought up Dave's appearance with Booker when he did a version of Creed's ''Arms Wide Open.'' Dave said he was out one night and the lead singer from the band came up to him and asked him to sing the song for him. Then two of the other guys from the band came up to him and challenged him to sing it for them. Dave said that he likes the guys in the band, he was just having some fun with the song. Gary came in with a cart of the song when Dave was goofing on it. Howard played the cart and Dave was goofing on the way the singer performs the song. It got a few laughs from the guys in the studio. Dave said he doesn't know what he was thinking when he did that. Howard told him he did a good job with that. He wondered if the guys in his band would have kicked Creed's ass if they had been there the day they confronted him. Dave said they're friends with everyone and they don't kick anyone's ass. Taylor asked Howard about having Joe Walsh on the show recently. They talked about Joe for a minute and Howard asked the guys what they're doing. Dave said they're playing live on FUSE TV today but he's going to get in a couple of hours of sleep before then. Howard played another track off their new album ''In Your Honor'' as he was wrapping up. He gave them a plug for their gig out in Roswell, New Mexico and for their web site FooFighters.com
Howard mentioned that they have pictures of Sal and Richard doing their thing up on his web site. Howard likes Richard because he's pretty hard core. High Pitch Eric called in to talk about the picture but he had nothing else to say so Howard hung up on him. He had Robin start her news a short time later. He spent a couple of minutes talking about ''Batman'' again during the news. He was saying that Katie Holmes was really the only weak link in the movie. He said that she's really annoying and her crooked mouth is distracting. Robin said someone has to fix that mouth of hers. Gary came in a little while later and said that he some clips of Katie Holmes using the word ''amazing'' way too much. Howard played that clip from Regis and Kelly where Katie kept using the ''amazing'' thing when he was talking about her relationship with Tom Cruise. She won't say how they met but she will talk about how amazing their relationship is.
Howard took a call from Joey G from The Sopranos. He talked about how hard he's been working on the new season of The Sopranos. He also got married over the weekend and said that he's got pictures up on his web site JoeSoup.com. Artie told Howard that Joey is going to be in the movie that he's shooting this summer. Howard let him go after talking to him for a short time. He had Robin get back to her news.
A caller told Howard that he got himself a SIRIUS satellite tuner at Costco and they have an $80 rebate going on. Howard told the guy he didn't want to talk about that and do a commercial for the service on the air. The caller also told Howard that he thinks that it's time for him to move his TV show to a different network because he wants to see what they see in the studio without censoring. Howard said you never know what might happen. The caller asked Howard if he had something in the works but all Howard would say is ''I'm not saying anything.''
Another caller asked Artie to put off taking his morning meds until after the show because he sounds like he's just a little bit off. Artie said he has to take his meds 3 times a day so he takes them before and after the show. The caller suggested that maybe he could double up on the meds instead of taking them before the show. Howard thought that was pretty funny and had a few laughs after he hung up on the guy. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:50am.
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Howard started off the show reading the paper to himself and not saying much at first. He moved on to talk about the stock market since Gary had asked him about it after finding out that Viacom had split the company in half. Howard said his head was spinning just thinking about it because he's not sure if his stock in the company gets split or not. Fred was having some problems with his audio clips so Howard complained about that and told Fred he might have to go back to doing things the way he usually does. Fred said he was trying a ''parallel pot phase'' that didn't work out. Howard got back to the stock stuff and said he really doesn't know anything about it.
Howard said he's sick of hearing about Michael Jackson. He thinks the guy should move to Thailand to get out of the country. He was also saying that he didn't think they had all that much of a case but a friend of his was telling him how the guy did have young boys sleeping in his bed and you don't necessarily see them having sex if they are doing that. Howard said he has sex with Beth and no one sees that. Howard mentioned something on the show yesterday about how some comedy channel had taken transcripts of Jackson's testimony and had someone else read them for some people and the people thought that he was guilty when they saw that guy reading them but not when Jackson was talking. Howard said it looked like the prosecuting attorney in the Jackson case was really upset that they'd lost the case. He said the guy wasn't second guessing the jury but you could see the defeat on his face and it didn't look like he was very happy about the loss. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about what they thought about the case. They were also talking about the woman who called in yesterday and complained about the mother of the child in the Jackson case who was snapping at them during the trial. Howard said even after all of this stuff, there are still parents who will leave their kids alone with Michael Jackson. The group of people standing outside the courthouse during the trial are people who will never believe that the guy could do anything bad. They're still outside Neverland waiting for Michael to let them in but it'll never happen.
Howard and Robin were talking about the mob and the Mexican drug trade down near the US border. She was saying that the drug trade is so big down in this place that everyone was corrupt including the police. They put a guy in as the chief of police because he was the only guy who would take the job and he ended up getting killed the next day. Howard was telling some mob stories as well.
Howard said Beth went to some fashion show last night for the Martha Stewart ''Apprentice'' show and had a good time. He said she told him that Donald Trump was supposed to be there but he didn't show up. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard had a bit that Sal brought in to him but he didn't want to play it since he had so many other things to get to. He had a clip of ''Old Lady Porn'' that he played instead. It's a woman in her 80s who does porn movies. She was moaning and trying to talk sexy but it was very disturbing. Artie said she sounded like Vincent Price. Howard thought it was pretty funny but he doesn't get that fetish to see really old women having sex. Howard liked the part where the guy said he was going to bang that chick until she dropped dead. Howard played another clip of another old lady who is in porn.
Howard replayed the Old Lady Porn clip again and got a few laughs from that. He said that's what's going to happen if Social Security goes bankrupt. Old ladies will have to do porn to pay their bills. He quickly got back to the Sugar Ray CD and wondered how much money he could make from the album sales if he's getting royalties. Gary tried to figure it out from what he's heard about royalties. Howard said he heard that the standard royalty is 8.5 cents per album so he the guys tried to figure out how much that would be if they sell a million records. Howard figured it would be about $85,000 after thinking it was only $8,500. He said he could use that money and thanked the band for putting the song on their album. Howard said it's pretty cool that they did that and he's happy they're doing that. Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray is supposed to be coming on the show next week according to Gary.
Howard moved on to some phone calls after that. A woman called in and said that she's a big fan of Richard Christy's and she'd like to go to Scores with him. Howard told her that they'd already done that. He said he couldn't figure out what happened with Richard and his date on Monday so he brought Richard in and had Jessi Lee on the phone to talk about their date. Howard said Jessi came in and Richard seemed to hit it off okay in the studio. Doug Goodstein wrote up some notes about the date so Howard read through that. Richard told Howard that it was Jessi's idea to go to Scores that day and they had some fun there. Howard thought that was kind of odd because they hadn't even gone out to dinner yet. They went to Scores and started making out right away. Howard played some audio of the two of them making out a little bit. Richard's etiquette wasn't all that great and he said something to her about drinking before he had a glass of wine when she took a taste test of the wine they had. Jessi didn't seem to mind that. They were feeding each other and singing a Poison song so Howard played some audio of that. Jessi was laughing through the song. Howard asked them if they were drunk at that point. They both said they were pretty buzzed. They were taken to another room at Scores where they got some dances from Jiselle and Taylor. Howard played some audio of that where Richard was talking about how he was getting ''moist.'' At one point Jessi joined in on the dancing and stripped her shirt off. Doug wrote that Richard was grinding pretty hard on Jessi and the other girls. Jessi ended up ripping open his favorite jeans at one point. Richard said they had a hole in the back and someone ripped them open. Howard played audio of that as well and you could hear the fabric ripping.
Richard said he was there until about 11pm but he had to leave to get some sleep before work. Jessi stayed at Scores even though she was supposed to come over later that night with one of the dancers. Jessi told Howard that she was talking to some of the girls and didn't get a chance to go over to his place. Richard said something cool happened though. He said that he and Jessi were making out with that Scores girl that was supposed to come over to his place. He also said that he was going to try and get a little sleep just in case Jessi and the stripper showed up. Artie told him to never let the good looking people out of his sight. He and Howard told him that he should have stayed there no matter what. Howard wondered if Richard and Jessi hit it off well enough to go on a future date. Richard said she called him last night and things are going okay. Jessi said that she had fun. She didn't have sex with any of the strippers or anything.
Howard said that Doug told him that there was something really gay going on with Richard in the post interview. He came in and said that Richard went after Isaac sexually when they were shooting that. He said that Richard had some whipped cream on his hand and he was trying to wipe the whipped cream on him while he was telling him he was the sexiest bald guy in New York. Richard said he was just joking around and trying to lighten the mood. Isaac came in and told Howard how weird that whole thing was. He said he was kind of bugged out by the whole thing and he had to threaten to take him down if he didn't get off of him. Doug also said that Richard wanted to touch his nipple. Howard had some audio of that strange incident so he played that as well. Richard was telling Isaac that he knew he wanted to lick his cream. They were asking Richard if he was gay while he was doing it. Richard then asked Doug if he could smack his ass. Howard wondered if Richard goes both ways. Richard says he doesn't but it sure sounded gay. Richard said he's not into hair so he can't be gay. Howard told him he should say that he's not into penis, not just hair.
Joey Boots called in and told Howard that Jessi is a manipulative whore who is just trying to get a plug in for her web site. Howard said she didn't even mention her web site when she came in this time. Joey said she did mention it the first time she called in and she's all over the Stern fan sites. Another caller said the same thing and thinks that she's just trying to get in some plugs. Richard said that she wanted to meet him before she came on the show so he doesn't think that she's just trying to get plugs. Jessi said she'd come back and see Richard again and she doesn't need to plug the web site she plugged when she called in the first time. She said she didn't ''need'' a plug but she got one in anyway. She can be seen at AllTheGirlsNextDoor.com . She said she'll put up some pictures from their date on the site as well.
Doug pointed out that Sal has done quite a few gay things on the show lately. He pointed out that he got spit on by Sal, sucked on a banana that was in Sal's pants and admitted that he liked the way Will's ass looked when he was dressed up like a woman. Howard wondered if Richard would do any weird stuff with Will. He said he might spank him but it would just be something funny. Richard said that Doug and Isaac were laughing when he was goofing around with them. Doug said they were terrified during that incident. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
howard said the one person that pisses him off is this 9/11 widow Kathy Trant who got $5 million after her husband was killed and she's blown it all already. Howard read an article about how she's spent her money and how her husband was never found. He said he feels bad that her husband died by this is a disgrace to his memory when she spends the money on this stuff on frivolous things when she should be spending it on herself and her kids lives since her husband is no longer around.
Howard was talking about the tragedy in his life and Robin wondered what that is. He showed her his face and said that he just got a picture of himself from Tom's son's wedding and he thinks he looks awful. Robin and Artie told him he didn't look that bad though. Howard got back to the story he was reading and talked about the things that the woman bought with the millions she got. She fixed up the house and bought a lot of expensive clothes and shoes. Ralph called in a short time later and said the woman was on Good Morning America complaining about all of her money being gone and asking for more. Howard played some audio from that interview and spent a few more minutes talking about the woman.
Ralph asked Artie about his sick days last week and wondered why he'd come so close to blowing the job when it's like his dream job. He said he knows that the schedule is crazy but you'd think that the job would be more important. Artie said that he let his drinking get out of control and he couldn't make it into work because he was drinking so much. Gary said that Artie's drinking was because of stress so he asked Ralph what kind of stress he has. Ralph said that he has some stress but he doesn't have to explain it to him. Ralph said he did work there on the show for a few years and he made it to work for 3 or 4 years. Artie was able to do it for four years as well, then things fell apart. Howard said he can't imagine being Ralph at his age and still sitting at home doing nothing. That's stressful right there. Ralph said that Artie has talked about how much he loves the job and he wondered why he'd blow something like that. Artie talked about how he was doing too many appearances and that led to him drinking even more so that didn't help things out. Ralph was telling Artie not to do certain things and to just relax a bit instead of working so hard. Howard said there's some good advice in there but it's tough to take it from Ralph.
Howard mentioned that John the Stutterer and his mother would be coming in today. He played a bunch of song parodies they had with John's many stutters included in them. He also replayed the Old Lady Porno audio clips that he played earlier in the morning. He moved on to read some mail they got about Sal and Richard's weird stuff on the show yesterday. A lot of people complained about what went on and Rev. Bob Levy was so repulsed by it that he did a roast of the two of them. Howard played Bob's roast where he went off on both Sal and Richard for doing the gay stuff on the show. He made a few good points during that roast according to Robin.
Howard said someone sent him some videos of women farting on other women's faces from a web site called FartBrazil.com. He played some audio from the clips and the women were sniffing and moaning after taking a whiff. Howard said he thinks that's the next bit that Sal and Richard are going to do for the show. He figures Richard will want to meet a hot chick and Sal will suggest farting on his face or something like that. Howard said the farting video goes on and on. He couldn't remember if the chicks were good looking in the video or not. He said they were't horrible looking but the whole thing was a train wreck.
Howard read an e-mail from their program director in Chicago who said they don't bleep the show anymore than they do in New York and he doesn't like to hear people calling in to complain about them doing that. The guy also says that the satellite sometimes cuts out and they lose the feed for a short time so that might be what people are referring to.
A listener called in and told Howard about going to an event where they were holding fireworks. He ended up talking to an old woman who was probably in her 80s. He said he ended up on top of her during the fireworks display he was watching and messed around with her. The woman turned out to be the wife of the developer that was holding the event. The guy said he was able to get it up for the woman but he didn't complete the act. The guy said he was about 30 at the time. Howard wondered if he would ever buy old lady porn movies to get off. The guy said he's not into that stuff and wouldn't buy it. Howard talked about how he used to be attracted to some of his mother's friends when he was a kid but when he sees them now, he knows nothing could ever happen.
Ralph called back in to tell Artie that he really likes him and the stuff he was saying earlier was just because he's worried about him. Artie said he knows that and he likes Ralph. Howard let him go and took another call from a guy who said he thinks that Artie's stress has something to do with Dana. Artie said it's definitely got nothing to do with her. Howard hung up on that guy and told him to leave Artie alone. He went to commercial a short time later.
John tried telling some stories but his stutter was really bad. He said the first bad stutter he had was when he was in first grade and he was asked what his first name was. He stuttered on his first name. Howard said the pressure some kids feel from being separated from their mother can be pretty traumatizing. Eleanor told Howard how John used to work out when he was a kid and he was up to about 180 pounds when he was about 15 years old. He ended up hurting himself lifting weights though and he had to stop. Howard told Eleanor that she seemed like a lovely woman. Eleanor told Howard and Robin that she's not sure what went wrong with him. When he was about 18 or 19 she had to take him to a therapist and they had to put him on medication. She said he changed when he was in school and he'd come home and lock himself in his room. Howard figured it must have had something to do with the teasing that was going on during high school. John tried to share some thoughts on all of that but he was stuttering up a storm as usual. Eleanor said that they diagnosed him with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and he also used to freak out if anyone touched him at all. She was the only one who could touch him at the time. He wouldn't even let his brother touch him without thinking that he'd put something on him.
Howard asked Eleanor if she wishes that her son would just get laid already. She said she knows that he has a tough time with that. She said that he's a very nice guy but she knows that people make fun of him no matter what. She thinks that Howard and the guys are just laughing along with him instead of laughing at him like some people do. John said that he thinks Howard is a great guy. The guys pointed out that he turned down the chance at working there at one point. Eleanor said that John didn't think he could handle the job. John stuttered a bit right after that so Howard said that he was probably right. Fred continued to do his impression of John's stutter and Eleanor said she hopes that they are laughing along with him and not making fun of him. Artie jokingly said that they probably are making fun of him though. John told the guys that he really couldn't handle any pressure if he got a job there. Howard asked Eleanor what he does all day long. Artie quickly said that he says ''Good Morning.'' John gets SSI payments to live off of so he doesn't work a full time job. She said she's looking to save up some money so they can work on getting John to stop stuttering. Howard gave her a $1000 gift courtesy of the movie ''Cursed'' to start that savings.
Eleanor said that John's brother Mike works a normal job and he actually came in with them this morning. Howard heard that and had the guys bring him in. Mike doesn't stutter so Howard said he must be the star of the family. Mike said he doesn't have a girlfriend right now but he has had them in the past and he has gotten laid unlike his brother. Mike said he doesn't get to see his brother much because he doesn't live with him anymore. He also said that John sleeps all day and stays up at night so that doesn't help. John said he's a pretty reclusive guy and he doesn't go out much. He goes grocery shopping once a week and that's about it.
Howard said he looks at John and thinks that he could have a pretty good life. Mike said that John is a very smart guy and he might be one of the smartest guys he's met. He's very articulate when he writes letters and stories and stuff. Howard took some phone calls for John after that. A woman called in and said that she knows about this device that they're looking to get for John and it's amazing what it can do for stutterers. She said it would cost him a couple thousand dollars but it should work. She was also saying that the story he told about the first grade experience could have caused the stuttering. Eleanor told Howard that she tried to get him into speech classes but he would refuse to go and never got any help. Howard asked the speech therapist if she was hot because her voice sounded good. She said she's not that hot but she has lost a bunch of weight lately. Howard said he lost interest in what she had to say after that. The woman wished John luck but hung up before he could say a word. Howard said that this is a pretty fascinating family and started to wrap up the segment. Artie wanted to know how Eleanor got her liver replaced. She said she had a liver problem that women only get. She said that she didn't smoke or drink or anything so that's not why it went bad. She explained some of the other problems she's had over the years and she's had a lot done on her. She said she was very lucky to have gotten a liver because she didn't think she was all that special.
Howard said that he was going to try and get one of those anti-stuttering devices for John to try out on the show. He gave John a plug for an appearance he's making at the Wharf Tavern in Astin, Pennsylvania. They're giving away a date with John at that event. Then there's another event on July 11th at the Smoked Joint in Philadelphia. Robin wondered how he gets to these appearances. He never did give an answer for that but he said that the appearances were put together by his manager Damon Feldman. He's hoping that those appearances will eventually lead to copulation. John made sure to point out that only women are allowed to enter the contest for the date. Howard mentioned that John has had sex with porn stars and Eleanor said she does know about that, unfortunately. Poor John was still stuttering up a storm and Fred was mimicking him the whole time.
Gary came in and told Howard that they had a woman on the phone who was willing to offer up some stuff for John. The woman told Howard that she'll offer up a free evaluation for John to find out if he's compatible with the anti-stuttering device. She said that 80 percent of the people are compatible with the device but there are some it won't work with. Amy said that she could do it as early as tomorrow. Howard asked her if they could do it today. She said that was okay so Howard put her on hold. John was speechless at that point. Howard told Eleanor that if they fix John's stutter, her phone bill will go down. Howard also told John that if he loses his stutter, he might have to get a job. Sal the Stockbroker came in and offered John's mom $50 to take her top off. Howard told him to get out of there, that was insulting. He gave John a couple more plugs for his upcoming appearances and went to commercial break
Howard started off the show talking about how Artie's professional shave was still holding up and he still looked clean shaven this morning. Artie said that it lasts a couple of days. Robin said she touched his face yesterday and it really was a nice shave. Howard said he saw Artie eating oatmeal this morning and that was a big surprise. Artie said he had to go for a really detailed physical yesterday for the movie that's coming up. Howard thought they were usually pretty much a joke but Artie said this one was really crazy because they had him on an EKG machine and had him running and stuff. They told him he was okay and things seemed normal. Howard said they probably think he's about to go nuts or something. Howard wondered who put up the money for this movie. Artie said it's a company called Crush Entertainment. Howard went through one of those physicals himself and said that it wasn't all that detailed.
Howard and Artie talked about the oatmeal breakfast. Howard was saying that he loves plain oatmeal but Artie said he takes three bites of the stuff and realizes that he made a mistake ordering it for breakfast. The more plain Howard's is, the more he likes it. Robin asked Artie how weekends are for him now that he's on his meds but he hasn't experienced one since getting on the meds. He said this weekend he'll be going out to dinner with Dana this coming weekend and he'll let them know next week how it went. A guy called in as ''Drugs and Alcohol'' and told Artie that they want him back. He also said that they'll see him this weekend. Robin said Artie hasn't even seen a Yankee game since getting on the meds and off the booze. It'll all be new to him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he can't wait for them to move to satellite. Howard said he can't wait either and he's got some tape of Joel Hollander talking about satellite and how they paid too much for him. He played the tape and said that they seem to be paying too much money for stuff that they're not going to have exclusivity for. Howard is exclusive but some of the other content they have isn't exclusive. Howard said that getting sports on regular radio isn't always that easy. Once you drive out of the local area, you can't tune into a local game. That's where SIRIUS comes in. You can tune in the local games anywhere around the country. He also said that if you're in New York and you're not a Jets fan, you might not be able to tune in a local station to hear a Dallas game. If you have SIRIUS, you can tune in so Joel's argument makes no sense to him. Gary came in and said that he's a Steelers fan so he'll be able to tune in and hear a Pittsburgh game if he wants to. Artie said that it'll be great for gamblers too. Howard said that Joel doesn't seem like a sports fan when he talks about football like that because his argument doesn't make sense and it's going to be picked apart. Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about that subject and how the interviewer didn't really follow up with his questioning during that interview with Joel. Howard said he would have asked a few other questions of Joel and he probably would have been stumped.
Howard had some tape of Geraldo Rivera being interviewed about taking over the Howard Stern radio show. He tried to play that tape but it wasn't cued up. He got it set up a short time later and played the tape. Geraldo was on ''The View'' talking about how he's not going to take over and he's just signed on to stay at FOX News for 4 more years. Howard said he knows that Geraldo was never offered the job but he doesn't say that when he's asked about taking over the job. Geraldo says that he doesn't want to get up early so he wouldn't take the job. He never admits that he was never offered the job. Howard said that Geraldo is psychotic and arrogant. Robin said they learned that back when he fought Frank Stallone years ago.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Robin shouldn't talk so early in the show and she should ease herself into the show around seven o'clock. Howard said he saw a web site called Shut Up Robin and they apparently agree with that guy. Howard said he'd be willing to not talk until 7 if Robin wants to do the show for the first hour.
Another phone caller told Howard that Jimmy Buffet was interviewed about him when his new channel started on SIRIUS and he had some nice things to say about him. He said he'd appear on his show and he's not afraid of him anymore. Howard said that Jimmy is a smart guy because he realizes that this is the future. Howard was also saying that he spoke to Dave Grohl off the air about how this satellite thing is going to be a great place for them to play their music and to get some exposure. Howard said that it's great for fans and great for a guy like Jimmy Buffet who can play any music he wants to. Howard said it's an exciting time for everyone who will be on satellite with him. Robin was saying that there's an auto show on SIRIUS and she was even checking out some of Martha Stewart's previews. Captain Janks called in again and said he listened back to the call he'd just made and heard Howard saying that he was going to give him $500. Howard wasn't going to give it to him but changed his mind. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard quickly mentioned that Ron Jeremy would be coming in later in the show to play ''Stump the Perv'' against Richard Christy. Howard said that Ron kind of disgusts him and he doesn't sound like much of a fan of his. He said that he's creeped out by just about any guy that's in porn. He had some audio of Ron banging an 87 year old woman in a porn movie. Howard thought that Ron sounded kind of condescending when he was talking to the woman. The sound quality of the movie was really bad as well.
Howard's girlfriend Beth called in and said she never made a home sex tape so that guy who called in has to be making up the story. She said that she doesn't even like doing that stuff with Howard. Howard wondered how Beth found out about the call. She said that she has a source who tells her that stuff. Howard asked her if she told her source that they had sex last night. She didn't have time to tell them about that. Howard said that Beth was wearing see through panties so he couldn't help himself. They were up late last night watching that dance show. He and Beth said that they love the show. Howard and Beth both like the soap opera chick and can't believe that Rachel Hunter is liked. Beth said she had to get going because the dog was pawing her. Howard told Beth that he's going to get a copy of that video and bring it home for her to see.
Howard got back to the Ron Jeremy clip and listened to that for a couple of minutes. Richard Christy came in and said that it's pretty disturbing to watch that movie. He also said that Ron is his hero because he's not that good looking but he's been able to bang a ton of hot chicks in porn. Richard said he saw Ron do stand-up comedy one time and the guy was actually pretty funny. He's looking forward to playing ''Stump the Perv'' against him later in the show. Howard said they got an e-mail from Will telling them about a web site where they have people having sex with animals. Richard said he saw it and he didn't feel comfortable going on it. Howard watched one with a woman and a horse and tried to see one where a woman had sex with a dog but that one didn't come up. He said he was really disgusted by that stuff and he couldn't get into it. Howard said they have to put that subject on the list for things to talk about over at the new place. He said he can't really explain what he saw in those videos on air now. Howard said he can't wait to get out of there and wants out of his contract already. Howard took a call from Sal the Stockbroker who called in as Mary Dell'Abate who asked him what's wrong with having sex with a horse... referring to Gary of course.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she saw the E! show for the first time. She said that Howard makes people sound so ugly when they're really not. She said she found Artie to be pretty attractive. Howard quickly moved on to play the game with her. He played another one of the questions that Sal asked Beetlejuice. He asked him ''What is Howard's last name?'' Beetlejuice answered ''Howard Stern'' and then ''Stern.'' The woman won $500 when he guessed correctly. He spent a short time talking to the woman about working with disabled people. Gary came back in a short time later and told Howard about Sal the Stockbroker going across the street to pleasure himself at McDonalds. He got all worked up when he made that internet relay call. Sal said that he was told not to do that stuff there at the station anymore so he ran across the street. Howard didn't get how he got all worked up about that call. Sal said he got turned on by making her say some vile and vulgar stuff. Artie asked Sal to get him a Quarter Pounder with cheese the next time he runs across the street to do that. Howard replayed the call that they'd played earlier where he and John the Stutterer jerked around the internet relay operator. Howard spent a little more time talking about Sal running across the street to pleasure himself. They had to take another break a short time later.
Howard moved on to the Stump the Perv game they were going to play. He said that BosPoker.net was putting up $5,000 for the winner of the game. Howard had some copy that he was reading about the sponsor that didn't make much sense. Jason came in and apologized for screwing it up. Howard then brought in Ron Jeremy who was there to play against Richard Christy in the game. Howard spent a short time talking to Ron about the porn business and how much money he was making at one point. Howard read that he made $500,000 a year at one point but Ron said that was a bit exaggerated. He said he made some money in the porn movies and a some from the marketing of merchandise. Howard wondered why Ron never started his own porn company. Ron said that a lot of guys who have done porn movies have been arrested for various reasons. Ron said he's actually been arrested for doing porn movies but they won in court. He said it's a pain to own your own company doing that stuff so that's why he never wanted his own. Ron said that there are still cases where they're trying to prosecute companies for distributing ''obscene'' movies.
Howard asked Ron about the 87 year old woman he banged in the movie clip they played earlier in the show. Ron said he thought about it as being a goof when he did the movie. He also hopes that he'll have a 40 year old woman doing him when he's that age. He's thinking that it'll be karma and he'll have the favor returned. Howard asked Ron about the woman and if she was thin. Ron said she was thin and she was having fun with the whole thing so it wasn't bad. Howard asked him if he's ever done any of these animal films. Ron said that would be illegal and he's never done that.
Howard asked Ron about his family life and about his past education. Ron said he has a masters degree in special ed. He had some thoughts on Beetlejuice and what went wrong with him. He was saying that they've had so many medical advances these days that they could find out about stuff like that ahead of time now. Howard figures that Beetlejuice may be the last of a dying breed so he's very lucky to have him on the show. Howard got back to the porn stuff and asked Ron about who his favorites are. Ron said that Tabitha Stevens is a very sweet woman. He said that it's not always about how good looking the chicks are, it's all about their energy and how they react when they're having sex. He said that some of the women he has sex with continue to moan after the cameras are off and that's what you want. Ron said that Tabitha is one of those women. Ron says that there aren't many women out there who will date him in a regular relationship but he does have a great social life. He gets a lot of hot chicks but none of them want to be in a serious relationship with him. He was also saying that he can be emotionally monogamous but no physically. Ron said that he and Gene Simmons agree on that.
Howard asked Ron if he thinks he can beat Richard Christy in this game they're about to play. Ron thinks he can. Richard asked Ron about one movie he did where he banged a really fat chick. Ron was saying that he thought he was banging a fold on that chick for about a half hour before he got to the right area. Ron said that wasn't as bad as doing the 87 year old chick. Howard told Ron about the game and said that they've extended the time to 90 seconds because they've had trouble in the past getting to all of the questions. He sent Richard off to Robin's booth and then gave Ron a plug for ''The Cat House'' which is airing on HBO at 11pm on Thursday nights. Howard also gave him a plug for his web site XXXHotSauce.com and then moved on to the game. Here are the questions and answers:
Howard also read a story about the company they work for and how they're going to split the company into two separate companies. He said they're going to be selling off some parts of the company including the theme park business and the book company Simon and Shuster. They have a bunch of other things like CBS, Paramount and Infinity radio. They're going to split off CBS Television and radio into their own thing. Then they'll have Paramount and their other TV holdings in another company. Robin read that as well and they were saying that the movie company is going to be the ''growth'' company while the other one isn't. Howard said that radio and television make a lot of money but they must be looking at it as not making a ton of money. He still doesn't understand the whole thing and what's going to happen to the stock he owns in the company. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about the company and about the guy who runs the company, Sumner Redstone, and how he will be leaving the company to his daughter when he kicks. Howard said she should just sell off the company when she inherits it. That led to Howard talking about how he thinks the radio station business won't be worth anything in 10 years. He said that satellite is going to take over the business and these big terrestrial radio companies are going to be worth about half of what they are now. He said he predicted that WNBC would go downhill when he left that station in the mid 80s and he was right. Howard
Howard mentioned that actor Lane Smith passed away from Lou Geherigs disease. Lane played the part of Perry White on the ''Lois and Clark'' series. Howard said the guy was good on that show and in some other stuff. He said the guy was only 69 years old. Howard moved on to talk about the movie ''Cinderella Man'' and how bad it did at the box office. He said that the movie company is so freaked out that they didn't make any money that they're thinking of re-releasing it in the fall when the summer movie blockbusters are done.
Howard read another article about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and where they stand in the church of Scientology. Howard was reading about the kooky stories that they tell and said that they're really no crazier than the stories they tell in any church. He talked about the level that Tom Cruise has reached in the church and goofed on that a little bit. Jason came in during the discussion and handed Howard a book that explains that stuff in more detail but Howard didn't want to read the whole book. Jason said he should have highlighted some of the stuff for him.
Howard brought up how he saw some pictures of porn star Mary Carey recently and he was wondering when someone is going to tell her to lose some weight. She's gotten pretty big according to Howard. He said no one wants to see that in porn. Robin said she thinks that she might be out of porn and she may have eaten her way out. Howard said she may have heard someone tell her to ''eat a girl'' and she may have taken it seriously.
A phone caller reminded Howard about what Tabitha Stevens had told them about Artie telling her about how he was suicidal. Artie said he didn't remember that conversation. Another caller told Howard that he liked the Esquire magazine article about Howard that he'd just read recently. Howard said he didn't understand it all that well because it was kind of written in Old English and he didn't really get what they were talking about or why they were doing it. The caller asked Artie if he was going to reschedule the canceled appearance in Union, New Jersey he was supposed to make last week. Artie said he would reschedule but Howard and Robin tried to talk him out of it because he doesn't need to be doing that stuff. Artie said it's not like being on the road doing comedy, he was just going to do a DVD signing. The caller asked to play one of the Beetlejuice games so Howard let him do that. The question was ''How tall are you?'' Beet's first answer was ''Me? Five foot eight.'' His second answer was ''Five eight.'' The caller guessed that he would answer differently so he got it wrong. Howard didn't give him the prize money.
Howard read a letter they got from a Jamaican guy who is in jail. He's looking to get on the show and to meet Savanna Samson the porn star. He thinks that he can win her over and make her fall in love with him. The guy is getting out of jail in November but he thinks that he's going to be deported. The guy also claims to have killed a black guy because he doesn't like American blacks. Howard said that seems to be true with Jamaicans. They don't like the blacks in this country. Howard spent a few minutes talking about growing up in Roosevelt and how he knew a Jamaican guy who hated the blacks there. He was also talking about the way his parents talked about their black friends.
Robin and Gary told Howard more about that Esquire magazine article they were talking about earlier in the show. Robin told Howard that he was on this list of extraordinary men that had some other interesting people on it. There were a couple of names like Val Kilmer and Billy Bush on the list that Howard didn't understand. They went through that and then had to go to break. After the break Howard had Robin blow through her news and they ended the show around 10:20am.
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Howard started off the morning trying to sing the Beetlejuice song. He had some music that they used for Beetlejuice to sing along to one time and sang the lyrics to the music. He also played the version where Beetlejuice sang along. Howard said it's a tough song to sing. He heard Fred singing it after their meeting after the show yesterday. Fred said it's a pretty catchy song. Howard tried to sing it again and seemed to be getting it pretty good. Richie from E! came in and said that it's the most addictive song he's heard and the guys back in the production room are always singing it. Richie sang along to the song for a short time and knew a lot of the lyrics. Howard sang a little more and replayed Beet's version. Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he and Sal were recording Beetlejuice doing a song one time and that's when Beet sang this melody that he wrote some music for. That's where the song came from. Richard sang along to the song a little bit after that and he knew the lyrics pretty well. Howard sang a little more and Robin wondered if Beetlejuice was able to sing the lyrics twice like they are in the song. Richard said he only sang it once, he just looped it. Richard made sure to say that it was he and Sal who did the song because they both credit each other when they do bits for the show even if they both didn't work on it together.
Howard asked Richard if he's jammed with Fred at all yet because Fred is a good guitar player. Richard said he'd love to do that sometime. Richard told Howard that they've tried to get Beetlejuice to sing other songs since that performance but he won't do it. Howard said they probably need to get him drunk and back into the studio. He figures that if they put him in a recording studio with a few hot interns and got him drunk, he might sing.
Howard said that Sophie B. Hawkins came out and performed. He said she was actually pretty good. He also said he got a nice note from her recently where she thanked him for saying something nice about her. Howard doesn't remember saying anything though. He quickly mentioned that Irene Cara was on the show as well and she's gained a lot of weight and she wasn't even recognizable. She's not the hot chick from ''Fame'' anymore. He talked about working with her on a telethon one time and how cute she looked back then. She's now apparently sitting behind a desk running her production company. Howard doesn't know what she could possibly be doing other than filing bankruptcy paperwork. Gary brought up the group Cameo but Brian from E! came in and told Howard a quick story about Sophie B. Hawkins. He had done a video shoot with her and she did something that was pretty funny but the delay button was hit on the story so we were left out of the loop. They said something about her peeing or crapping in front of the guys or something but it still wasn't clear what Brian had said. Howard said he knew a guy who lived on the beach and saw a woman making a bowel movement on the beach near his house. He had to yell at her and chase her away. Gary told a story about seeing a guy do that in his back yard one time. The delay button hits were numerous during this discussion as well. He told his neighbor about that because it was apparently some guys who were doing some work for him that crapped in his yard. The neighbor just laughed when he heard the story.
Brian told a quick story about going to the bathroom on someone's yard one time when he couldn't hold it anymore. He said it was over near where Sal the Stockbroker lives. He said it was probably a block away where he crapped on the lawn. He talked more about the Sophie B. Hawkins thing and how the crew were surprised when she did that and how she looked pretty hot. Gary had another story about a girl he went out with. She had to pee one time and just stopped on the sidewalk and peed instead of waiting to get back home. Howard wondered if he got her that night. Gary said she actually passed out in his apartment before he could get her. She threw up a couple of times and then passed out. He had cleaned her up after she threw up and messed around a little bit but she threw up a second time and then he gave up and put her in bed and gave up. Gary said his buddies wanted to lift her skirt up to see that she wasn't wearing panties but he wouldn't allow that. He said they still yell at him to this day about that night.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and told a story but the delay got hit so Howard had to tell him to say ''move your bowels'' because they'll bleep anything else. Sal apologized left. Howard told a story about a guy he knew who got caught peeing in Central Park when a female cop came walking by on a horse. Howard and Gary said that they've never had to crap so bad that they had to go somewhere they didn't want to go. Artie said when he was driving a cab he had to ask a guy if he could use his bathroom after he dropped him off. Howard said that Ronnie the Limo Driver crapped his pants one time and threw his underwear out in a park. Richard Christy came in and said that he made a doody in a coffee can and put it in an oven and turned the oven on. They left it on while their band played and the place filled up with smoke from the doody. Howard said they have to try that sometime. Richard said the doody gets really small when it dries up like that. He said the doody cooked for about an hour. They filmed it and laughed about it for a while but that was about all they did. Gary told some stories about construction workers and how they'll use spackle buckets as bathrooms and they'll sit around for a few months until someone opens it up and gets a whiff right in the face. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard played the Beetlejuice song and had Fred harmonize with him per the caller's request. It wasn't working that well so Fred said it was just about impossible to do that. Howard told him he was as bad as he was trying to sing along. Howard changed subjects and said that a lot of people have been complaining about the Old Lady Porn that he's been playing this week. He read some of the mail he got about it and people are repulsed over it. He had a new clip to play from ''Mature Kink 14'' but he wasn't going to play it because of the mail. He played it anyway because Robin wanted to hear it. Howard said that the lady in the porn was at least 76 years old. She was moaning in the clip and Howard said she sounds like Fran Drescher. He played one of the clips that he played earlier in the week where an 87 year old woman was getting laid. Fred thought she sounded like Herman Munster so he played some clips of him as Howard was playing the porn clip.
Gary told Howard about what he knows about the Mormon religion and how wacky some of their stuff is. They spent a short time on that and then Howard was going to let the guy go. The caller told Howard that he wanted to challenge Artie to a basketball game even though he's legally blind. He'd challenged him at a comedy show he did down in Texas not too long ago. Howard said it sounds like an interesting idea and he'd play him as well. Howard put him on hold so they could get his information.
Artie brought up a news story about how Tom Cruise had proposed to Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower yesterday. Howard hadn't heard the story yet. He said that Katie is apparently a virgin at the age of 26 and that's why she has to get married so quick. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said that there's an article out from Reuters that says they have a room reserved for Howard Stern over at the Scores West Side. Howard said you'd think he was a real monster if you read the story. He doesn't have a room reserved over there and it might be the room that Ralph never finished over there. He said that makes him seem like a big loser when they say stuff like that. Ronnie came in and said that they let people use that room over there and it is the room that Ralph never finished. Howard said they quoted the manager, Gus, with the line about him having a reserved room over there. Howard asked Ronnie to tell Gus to cool it with those comments. The guys spent a few minutes talking about Ralph and how he wanted to do all kinds of weird things like lowering the ceiling in that room. Ralph was making all kinds of demands for the room and it was pissing off Lonnie over there.
Howard moved on to Robin and Joe next. Robin is blind so Howard told her she could have been part of their Blind Beauty Pageant. She said that she didn't get her tape in on time so that's why she wasn't there. Howard asked her about getting her father laid and why she'd want to do that. She said that she doesn't really care that much but her father does. Robin said her father doesn't complain about not getting laid, she doesn't talk about that with him. Robin said that she didn't even tell her father she was going to do this for him. Joe told Howard that he has been to a hooker in the past but he's never been to the Bunny Ranch which is what he could win today.
Howard introduced Rachel and Ben next. Rachel said that her father just got divorced from a 32 year old model and he's 74 years old himself. He told Howard that the model needed a green card so that's why he married her. He said it went horribly wrong at the end. Rachel claimed that she was stealing money from him. Ben said he didn't want to have her arrested or anything like that so he kicked her out of his apartment. Ben told Howard that he used to go to brothels back in the 60s and Rachel knew about that stuff already.
Howard had Becca Brat from the Bunny Ranch come in to show the guys what kind of chicks they could be getting at the Bunny Ranch. Becca told Howard she's been working there for five years and you can check out all of the girls at BunnyRanch.com. She said she can do up to 5 guys a day over there and she's been told she's very good at what she does. She even told Howard that she'd give him a free shot if he wanted it. Howard said they put her picture up on his web site if you want to check her out. Howard moved on to the game. He said he was going to ask all of the guys 5 question each and their daughters would have to match up the questions when they came back into the studio after he booted them out. Howard checked out Becca's piercings that were all over her body. Robin said that she's also tattooed all over.
Howard sent the daughters out and Becca remained naked as Howard asked each of the father's their 5 questions. He started off with John. Here are the questions and answers for each guy
Carmen was back on the phone a minute later. Howard asked her if she ever does any other chicks. She said she likes the fantasy of it but she doesn't do it. She said she has made out with chicks before though. Howard thinks she's full of it and that she has done chicks. He was also saying that Dave Navarro, Carmen's husband, can't have that much of a libido for her. Carmen said that they're always apart when they work so when they do get together, they have a lot of sex. She said she thinks the sex drive goes away after a while but they can keep it fresh when they're apart for extended amounts of time. Howard and Carmen talked about the time they took a shower together at a place out in California one time. She said that they should have taken advantage of that. Then she said that she looks at Howard as a kind of father figure which made Howard lose his arousal.
Howard asked Carmen if it's true that she's looking to have a baby because she was inspired by Britney Spears. She said that she might do that next year but not right now. Howard asked her about her doing a kissing scene with Kelly Ripa's husband on her show ''Hope and Faith'' and the guy kept kissing her even after they'd cut. Howard thinks that means that he wants out of his marriage with Kelly but Carmen thinks he was just trying to be funny. Howard read some quotes from Carmen and she had complained about her belly not being flat enough but he thinks she's got a great belly. He also asked her what she was wearing. She said she had sweat pants, a wife beater t-shirt and no bra. Howard asked to talk to the driver. He asked the driver if he was going nuts with her sitting in the back like that. The driver said he couldn't go nuts because he was sitting in Toronto traffic and wasn't able to look back there. Howard asked to talk to Carmen again. He asked her to rub her boobs on the guy's back. Carmen laughed and said that she couldn't do that. Howard told her to just let him get a squeeze. She said no to that as well. Howard asked her if anything ever happened with Savanna Samson after Dave Navarro was there asking her to do a threesome with them. Carmen said nothing happened.
Howard gave Carmen a plug for an appearance she's making at the Borgata Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City soon. You can get tickets for that at Ticketmaster.com. Carmen said she's going to be performing with a new group called The Bombshells. Howard asked her to rub the phone on her breasts for him. She agreed to do that so Howard got a laugh out of that. Her phone cut out again a short time later. Howard said he was done with the call after that. He said she's such a good girl and he'd love to have gotten her in that shower that time. Howard insists that nothing happened but Robin thinks he's full of it and something did happen. He spent some time talking about how great she is. All of the guys agree that she exudes sex.
Howard asked Artie what he would do if he offered him 24 hours with his dead father or sex with Carmen Electra for a day. Artie said he would have sex with Carmen. Howard said he'd do the same. Carmen called back in a short time later. Howard told her how they were talking about how hot she is and how unbelievable it is that she's playing Eugene Levy's wife in a movie. He also told her about Artie picking her over his dead father. Artie said that if he did bring his father back instead of banging Carmen, his father would slap him in the head and call him a homo. Carmen told Howard to bring Beth down to the Borgata for the show. Howard said that's a good idea. Artie said he'd like to go but Howard tried to talk him out of it because he might start drinking again.
Howard asked Carmen a similar question about bringing her mother back to life. He said that she could bring her mother back but she'd have to give up her looks and she'd end up looking like Star Jones. Carmen said she wouldn't do it. Howard gave her another plug and let her go a short time later. Howard told her to get herself to the studio sometime. She said she will. Howard had to take another break but he mentioned that Robert Schimmel was there to sit in during the news. The guys spent a minute talking about how he looks these days. Gary said he thought he looked good but he said that Will thought he looked pretty bad. Howard said he's never seen him look good so he doesn't know what Gary is talking about.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line to play his weekly Gossip Game so he asked Bob to hang in there for that. He played a theme song for him that was his laughs and stuff to the tune of the Chicken Dance. At the end they had a clip of Mike saying ''... I am gay.'' He knows that Mike doesn't like that but Mike didn't seem that upset about it. Howard said that they had another song parody but he had some trouble getting it. They eventually brought it in and it was to the tune of the Beetlejuice song they played first thing this morning. Mike got in a plug for his book ''Rather Dumb : A Top Tabloid Reporter Tells CBS How to Do News'' and the web site that goes along with it RatherDumb.com. Howard moved on to the game right after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent some time talking to Bob. Bob said he recently got in trouble at a comedy gig he did. He said he made some comments about Siegfried and Roy and got called into the entertainment manager's office. They told him not to comment on them being gay. Bob made some other comments the next night and got called back into the office and lectured again. He did more Siegfried and Roy material the next night. Bob also told a story about getting booked for a corporate gig recently and the three hundred people walked out after he told some jokes about his wife giving birth and having an apeaseotomy and how the baby dropped out like a school bag from the back of a pick up truck. He said the guy that booked him for the gig was a fan of his but the rest of the people had no idea who he was. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
During the news Howard smelled something burning. Bob smelled it too but they couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Schimmel said that it doesn't matter because they have a new place to go. Howard figures they'd make him keep working there even if the place burned down. Bob told Howard that he's got to wear glasses now. He was recently driving his kid to school when his vision went to double for some reason. He said that he went and had a CAT scan done and they told him he doesn't have any cancer or anything like that. He had some kind of condition that causes the double vision. Bob said he had to wear an eye patch while the eye heals itself. He had to wear it while he was driving to work at a casino out in Las Vegas. He said a guy pulled up next to him and asked him if he was in ''Pirates of the Caribbean.'' Bob had to ask for something other than the eye patch so the eye doctor gave him a prescription for some special glasses that create a prism so he doesn't see double. Artie checked out the glasses and said they were pretty intense. The doctor told him that the double vision should go away in about 5 or 6 months and if it doesn't, he can talk about options then. Howard gave Bob a couple more plugs for his upcoming gigs at Carolines and at the Improv down in Orlando and then ended the show. You can find out more about Bob's gigs at RobertSchimmel.com.
