|Friday||This Week On E!|
Howard then brought in this guitar player Lavorsier. Pronounced la-voor-see-AY. He had his girlfriend Samantha with him and he wanted to play some of his music for Howard. He wants a record deal so he came in to play for all of the record company guys who listen to the show. Howard let him play his first song ''Sun Kissed Girl'' for about 30 seconds. Howard wasn't sure if the guy was tuning his guitar or playing a song at first. Then he started to sing and it sounded pretty awful. Howard wouldn't tell the guy that though. He told him it was ''Uh, different.'' He told him it's a new sound that he just doesn't get but a younger generation might get it. Artie Lange said he got it and liked it. It had a little (very little) bit of a Jimi Hendrix sound to it but it was more like a 12 year old learning to play in his garage Hendrix sound than a guy who has been playing for 15 or 20 years. Lavorsier played another song of his, ''Nasty'', which had a more rockin' sound to it but, once again, sounded like a kid learning to play in his garage. Howard took a couple of phone calls from the audience to find out what they thought. The few calls he took didn't have anything good to say about it. One caller claimed to be John from Epic Records and he said there might be something there. We don't know if he was a legitimate caller though.
Lavorsier's girlfriend had some stuff to say about Stuttering John before she left. She said she hates John and that she almost vomits when she sees him on the E! show. Apparently John has been keeping them from getting on the show for years now and she was upset over it. John didn't seem to care though. He came in and let her vent on him before Howard wrapped up the segment.
Gary interviewed a couple of other guys including Soupy Sales. Howard said that one is really sad because the poor guy is so old sounding. Howard said he's made up with Soupy in the past few years and he thought that Gary should have just left him alone. When he played the tape Soupy sounded like he's really aged. It really was sad to hear it and it wasn't really a funny interview... interesting but not funny.
Howard had Bobby Badfingers perform his first snapping display to the song Wipe Out. Bobby did an amazing snap drum solo that was pretty impressive. Howard told Bobby that he had one of those useless talents that will get him nowhere in life. Howard said it's amazing but useless. Bobby went on to demonstrate his talent doing various solos for everyone.
Bobby told Howard he can't disclose how much he gets paid but he's trying to get to the Snapple juice drink people to get some kind of commercial job going. He also said he's trying to get a sponsor for the Guinness book of World Records so he can be known as the fastest snapper.
Howard challenged Bobby to snap to a bunch of songs and stuff including the Lone Ranger theme song and Dueling Banjos. The guy was pretty amazing and Howard told him that the next time he and The Losers challenge another band to a Battle of the Bands they'll have to have him as the ''drummer.'' Howard told the guy his talent was stupid but he's really good and talented at it. Robin found no entertainment in it whatsoever. Gary said he was thoroughly entertained for the 5 minutes the guy was in there. Howard felt the same way as Gary. You can find out more about Bobby at his web site Badfingers.com
Jennifer went over to Howard and took off her top to reveal her breasts. It sounded like everyone was very impressed with them. Howard had her raise up her arm and then checked her for lumps. Robin told him he was doing it all wrong and corrected him. Howard then checked her for a few seconds and said he couldn't find any lumps except the one in his pants.
Howard let Jennifer's boyfriend come in so he could check the guy out. Howard said the guy looked like Ahmet Zappa with his bald head. The guy said that he has been chasing this girl around since 1993. Howard spoke to him for about a minute and was about to let them go. Some of the guys wanted to see her ass but she wouldn't take off her pants. Gary came in and offered her $1000 to take off her pants but she said she just wasn't comfortable doing that. She let Howard feel her up but she wouldn't take her pants off. She wouldn't even agree to get in a bikini. Some of the guys thought that she must have something to hide down there.
Howard was going to let them leave again but Gary asked her if she'd ever tried lesbian stuff. She said she did experiment a bit after college and she wouldn't be against it happening again in the future. Howard and the guys started digging into the story and got some of the details out of her. She said she had worked with this other woman for about 6 months and they became friends. Jennifer said she was attracted to this woman but she didn't know why. She told Howard more and more details and the story got even better. Jennifer said the other woman tied her up and left her tied up for about a half hour. Then the woman undressed her and did her thing. Jennifer said that the woman was very good at what she did.
Jennifer told Howard that she's had about a 50/50 split of women and men sex partners in her life. For some reason she's going to settle down with this guy she's with now.
Howard made a deal with Jennifer as he was going to break. He said that all of the guys would get in bikinis if she got in one too. That way she could stick around for another half hour.
After the break they all came back dressed in their bikinis. Howard said KC looked pretty good in a bikini. Jennifer returned and she looked great according to Howard. He thought she was going to have a bad ''caboose'' but it turned out to be nice. Howard said Jim Florentine had a nut hanging out of his bikini. Howard had stuffed a tissue down his shorts to help fill out his package.
Robin did a little judging of the bikini clad guys. She had them parade around a little bit as she checked them out. She said that some of the guys looked okay in their bikinis. Jennifer ended up taking her top off one more time for the guys too.
Robin Radzinski from E! came in and told Howard they're going to try and get this show on E! for Thursday and Friday of this week.
A couple of the interns at the station came in and judged the guys in their bikinis real quick. They said Howard looked pretty good. Jennifer said that both Howard and KC looked really good. The interns said that Stuttering John, Gary and Benjy were all in the same class.
Howard had to move on to other things but they all stayed in their bikinis. He got back to ''Surviving Gilligan's Island'' and spent some time talking about that. Gary had the ratings and the show actually did pretty good against shows like ''Law and Order'' and ''Alias.'' Howard talked about how they brought back Mary Ann (Dawn Wells), Gilligan (Bob Denver) and the Professor (Russell Johnson) for the show. They also reenacted behind the scenes stuff with other actors. Howard talked about a lot of the facts that he learned during the 2 hour show. He learned that people like Carroll O'Connor, Raquel Welch, Dabney Coleman and Jerry Van Dyke were up for parts in the show but they didn't get the roles. Howard also brought up how Tina Louise was portrayed to be a real bitch in this show. They made her look really bad and made Bob Denver look like a really good guy. Howard said he learned that the Professor's character name was Roy Hinkley and the Skipper's character name was Jonas Grumby. Gilligan's character name was Willie Gilligan. The Skipper always wore his skipper's hat and he was buried at sea when he passed away. Howard went on and on with all of this stuff he learned.
Gary had a phone number for Tina Louise so he tried getting her on the phone. He only got her voice mail though so that didn't happen. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in on his cell phone and added a little bit to the conversation. Melrose Larry Green also called in and played a clip from the show where they bash Tina Louise. Shortly after that Howard took a break so he could do some other stuff.
Howard was back live this morning and said he was glad to have had the 3 day weekend. He quickly moved on to play a voice mail that they got recently where Artie called in sick again. He was sick over the weekend and claims he had a relapse and wouldn't be able to make it in today but he'd be in tomorrow no matter what. Howard said that the rumors are going to start flying with Artie and people are thinking that he's back on coke or something. Howard said that he's always blind to that kind of stuff and he doesn't believe that Artie is back on coke. He said he thinks that Artie may have pushed hard over the weekend partying and that's why he had this ''relapse'' of his. Howard also wondered what sickness this is that's keeping him from coming to work. Gary said he was willing to call him and try to find out what it is that's keeping him from coming to work. He's able to speak so there has to be something else. Fred is getting a vibe about all of this stuff and thinking that it has something to do with the whole movie thing. He seems to think that Artie is saying everything is okay but it's really not. Fred thinks that Artie is really sick because he's all freaked out by all of the stuff going on with the movie. Howard said that Artie just needs to calm down and deal with it. He seems to be having a melt down already and the movie isn't even shooting yet. Howard and Fred talked about how maybe Artie doesn't even recognize that this is what's happening to him. Howard is hoping that Artie isn't ''Jackie-Martling-ing'' them and bailing on the show. Robin said she hopes that Artie isn't self destructing. She said he must be dying to still be sick. He was off Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday and he's still sick. Howard played Artie's voice mail again and kept wondering what's going on with him.
Gary came in and said that he tried to get in touch with Artie but his answering service makes it kind of hard to get through to him. He also said that all they know is that Artie was throwing up on Thursday morning. They weren't sure if it's a virus or if it's food poisoning or something. A listener called in and said that Artie was out in Las Vegas this weekend but he was just joking around. The caller changed subjects and told them how great the Sam Kinison tribute song they did was. He also asked them to play it once in a while.
Howard said he saw that ''The Longest Yard'' did about $60 million in the theaters over the weekend but the movie was horrible according to him. He said that people just love Adam Sandler. Howard said he did watch the whole movie but he still doesn't get the whole Adam Sandler thing.
Howard mentioned how great the weather was in the area over the weekend. Robin said she was going back and forth to South Jersey over the weekend and saw a lot of deer on the side of the road. She felt bad seeing them laying dead on the side of the road after they were hit by cars. Howard talked about how sad that it is even if they are like rats to some people.
Howard mentioned another show he watched recently that was just horrible. It was the Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson USO tour show. He said that Jessica really can't sing and goofed on the way she was singing the songs during the show. He talked about the warbling noise that she makes during the songs and how horrible it was. He was also feeling really bad for the troops over in Iraq because he knows a lot of them are going to end up dead. He thinks that eventually they're going to have to let Saddam Hussein go back over there so he can get his people back under control. Howard was also saying that he hopes everything turns out okay over there but it's not going all that well right now.
A listener called in and told Howard that he bought XM before he knew he was going to SIRIUS and he's not that thrilled with the service. He said they're kind of shallow as far as their programming. Howard was telling the guy that he'll never listen to Martha Stewart, Jimmy Buffet or NFL football but he wants to know that he has stuff like that on his service. XM can't offer that. Robin said it's just like cable or satellite TV. She said that she doesn't watch the Disney Channel but she likes that she has it on her service anyway. Howard replayed the tape of Hugh talking to the reporter about Howard's deal and how their own plan is working right now.
Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that when he rents a car, he finds out if the rental car has XM or SIRIUS. He said he thinks that SIRIUS is better than XM of course. Eric told Howard he's kind of bummed out being down there in Florida because he doesn't have his bong with him. He was also asking Howard if he's still planning to go on tour after he leaves Infinity. Howard is still planning on doing that so Eric asked him if he wanted to stay at his place. Howard said he may be staying there at some point. He had to take a break right after that.
Howard had Nicole Bass' husband Bob Fuchs on the phone. Over the weekend Nicole beat him up and then bit a cop who came to break up their fight. Howard read an article about what happened and talked about how she was drinking quite a bit before this happened. She was also claiming that she was going to slit her wrists. The cops tried to help Nicole out but she fell and accidentally bit the cop's hand. She wasn't charged with anything over the biting thing. Howard asked Bob if the NY Post had it all right. Bob said that Nicole is on Oxycontin for the pain she has from her pancreatitis. He said that the pancreatitis came from when she was beaten by seven cops a few years ago at the San Jenero festival. Howard said he doesn't know if that's the case and that's something that Bob and Nicole have to deal with. Bob told Howard that Nicole was supposed to be on a certain amount of Oxycontin but they weren't giving her the right amount or something like that. Howard interrupted Bob and asked him to get to the point of his call. Bob said that Nicole didn't beat him up but he did want her taken out of the house so he just said she did. Nicole was taken to a hospital for a short time and now she's back home. Bob claims he did all of this just to get Nicole out of the house. Howard told him to tell Nicole to feel better and let him go. Howard figured he'd never get to the bottom of that story by talking to him on the phone. Fred did his Herman Munster / Nicole Bass impression for a short time and goofed on that whole thing. Robin was wondering if Howard or Fred had ever fallen and accidentally bitten a cop. They goofed around with that for a few minutes before Howard had to take another break.
Howard tried to take a phone call from a guy but he was on a cell phone that kept cutting out. The guy eventually said that he thinks Artie is in a lot of trouble and that's why he's been out sick. A couple of other guys called in and said that it does sound like Artie is having some problems. One guy thinks that Artie got his hands on an eight ball and went crazy over the weekend. Another guy said that it sounds like Artie might be on Oxycontin and that's the reason he's out. No one believes that Artie is really just out sick. Howard said that Artie was an addict before so who knows. Robin brought up the Christian Slater arrest that happened over the weekend. She said that he was allegedly drunk on the street and grabbed someone's ass. Howard hadn't heard about that. He talked about how hot Christian's wife is and spent a minute talking about her. Another phone caller said that maybe Artie has Pancreatitis like Nicole Bass does. Howard got back to Artie and ended up playing a prank call they made one time using some of Artie's voice mail to call a store that he didn't actually work at. They called that place back again after Artie's voice mail last Thursday and did the same thing to the store. They played just about every Artie calling in sick bit that they had. There were song parodies and prank calls all over.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she thinks Artie has a weak stomach and he's under a lot of pressure right now. Howard brought up how Artie came to him a few weeks back and asked about taking some time off to shoot this movie that he and Frank Sebastiano wrote together. Howard said that Artie told him he was going to be off for 3 weeks after their two week vacation this summer. Howard told Artie that he does't need to leave the show for 3 weeks to shoot a low budget movie that's being shot in New York. Howard told Artie that he's on the show for a reason and he'd like him to be on the show but that all threw him for a tizzy. Mariann said that she thinks that it's on his mind so much that it's making him sick. Hook Nose Mike called in after that and asked Howard if he's pissed off at Artie for all of this. Howard said he's not mad at him if he's legitimately sick. Howard said he thinks Artie's movie is going nowhere but he thinks that outside projects are fine. Gary said that they've been trying to get through to Artie all morning but he hasn't been calling back. He said he could call Artie's sister and ask her what's going on. Howard didn't want him to do that but Robin told him that maybe he could do that later and not put her on the air.
Howard mentioned that this race car driver Danica Patrick, that they were talking about last week, came in fourth place over the weekend. He said that a lot of guys are happy that she didn't win because they don't want to see a chick winning races. Howard said he's seen pictures of her that are obviously airbrushed. He said he's seen pictures of her from the races and she looks like a pig. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he doesn't like her because she cries. He said that if she wants to cry, she shouldn't be racing cars. He goofed on her about the way she was crying about how she stalled her car during a pit stop. Ronnie said he was impressed at how well she did though. Howard said that racing cars isn't a real sport anyway. He said that if you can sit down and smoke a cigarette while you're doing it, it's not a sport.
Howard said he had a really bad leg cramp last night and he wasn't able to sleep. He was in so much pain that he had to take a pain killer. He had some Tylenol PM that had expired in 2002 in his apartment because he never takes any of that stuff. He looked through his cabinet and found some Advil instead. He said it only took about 12-15 minutes for it to take effect. He seemed kind of impressed that it worked so fast.
Howard had some audio clips of Jessica Simpson singing during her USO tour. He had mentioned her horrible singing earlier in the morning and wanted everyone to hear how bad she was. He played a clip of her singing ''God Bless America'' and one of her singing ''These Boots Are Made For Walking.'' They were both very odd sounding because of the way she warbles her voice. Willie Nelson was singing with her during that song but the troops seemed to like it. Robin wondered if they still get ratings and how much longer we have to endure their shows.
Howard said that the bag was $600 and it was only about an hour old when they spilled the wine on it. Robin said that if they had just comped the meal, Howard would have been raving about the restaurant. Howard said he felt bad for the waiter and didn't want to make a big deal about the whole thing. He figures he's just going to drop the whole thing since that's what Robin suggested. Gary told Howard they need to get to the next segment since they had a homeless guy waiting to play the High Low game.
The guys brought in this woman Heather who was there to play a game with them. Heather said that she's a waitress at a strip club. She was really hot according to Howard. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her about working at the strip club. Gary asked her if she's ever gotten naked for guys at the club even though she's not a stripper. She said she has done that. Howard said he's had waitresses get naked for him before. They always say that they've never done that before. Howard liked the skirt that Heather was wearing because he could see her ass hanging out of it. Heather works at the Penthouse Executive Club in New York City. Howard hasn't been there before so Heather tried to talk him into coming to that club instead of Scores. Heather will be turning the cards for their High/Low game. Howard was going to move on to the game but he spent a few more minutes talking to Heather about being with chicks and stuff like that. She said that she just graduated from college recently but she's not doing anything with that. Howard learned that she's 5'8'' tall and that she's 29 years old. He said she's got dark hair and a very pretty face. Robin said she had a little Shannon Dougherty look to her. Howard checked out her body and said that her stomach looked really good. She had a great body for stripping but she apparently isn't into doing that. Heather said she gets a lot of gifts from guys for just doing the waitress thing. She told Howard how some guys will just give her money even if she doesn't date them. Gary said he saw a story on HBO one time where this guy thought that he was friends with this stripper until 9 months later when he realized that she was just using him for his money. Howard had Heather tell some stories about taking chicks home with her. She said that she went home with one chick one time who may have drugged her. She said they ended up kissing and touching and the other chick took off all of her clothes. She was telling a story about getting vibrated but the delay was hit on something they said. She said that there were no games being played and they don't have to call each other after they're done.
Howard moved on to the High/Low Game after talking to Heather for a while. The guys brought in Rinaldo the homeless guy to play the game. Howard spent a short time talking to Rinaldo about his life and what it's like to live in a homeless shelter. Rinaldo said he has schizophrenia. He talked about how he's got kids in both Puerto Rico and in Cuba. Howard moved on to the game after that. Rinaldo said he would use the winnings he gets to find a home and a woman. Howard explained the game to Rinaldo. They have a bunch of cards up on a board. They turn over a card and he has to guess if the next card will be higher or lower. The first card was a King. Rinaldo said it would be lower and he was right. The next card was a 7. Howard asked Rinaldo if he wanted to go for the next one or just take the $500 he'd just won. Rinaldo stopped and took the money. Howard asked him what he would do next and he said he would have said it was lower. It turned out to be an Ace so he would have lost.
Howard let Rinaldo go and told Heather that she did a great job. Then he asked her if she wanted to play. She was willing to play but Howard told her that she'd have to take off clothes if she lost. Gary turned over her first card which was a 7. Howard told her that she'd win $500 if she got it right but she'd have to take off her shirt if she got it wrong. Heather guessed that it would be lower. It turned out to be a Jack so she had to remove her shirt. Howard said he couldn't wait for that. She took her top off and Howard said she looked good. She had a C-cup which was actually saline implants. She guessed that the next card would be lower but she was wrong once again. It was a King. Heather had to remove her skirt after that. She had the King up on the board and was wearing just panties. Heather guessed that the next card would be lower but it turned out to be an Ace so she lost once again. She had to remove her panties but she didn't sound like she was ready for that. Howard said she looked perfect when she took her panties off. Howard had Gary turn over the next card which was a 2. Heather finally won $500 since she guessed it was lower.
Heather was totally naked at that point so she didn't have anything to bet. Gary said that maybe they could feel her up. It would be Howard, Gary and Fred who got to feel her up. Gary turned over the next card and it was a King. She won $1000. She took her chances again and said that the next card would be higher than the king. She was right because they got another ace. She was up to $3,000 at that point. She had a 4 on the board so she guessed that it was going to be lower. She was wrong because the next card was an 8. That meant that the guys were going to feel her up. Gary went over, copped a feel and then Howard took his turn and had Fred come over and give it a try. They did that pretty quick and then tried to figure out what else she could bet. They were planning on strapping her into the tickle chair if she lost the next hand. They strapped her into the chair before the bet because they were afraid that she was going to run away. She was going to be playing for only $2,000 because she'd blown the earlier bet. Heather said that the next card would be lower than an 8 but she was wrong again. The next card was a Jack. Howard told her to get ready to be tickled. He went over to her and tickled her a bit. She was very ticklish and laughed as Howard tickled her. She warned him that she had to go to the bathroom.
Howard told Heather that for the next bet she was going to have to drink a whole bottle of water first. Gary tried to give her the bottle and spilled some on her. They had her finish off the rest of the bottle before they played the next hand. She burped a few times after chugging down the water. Howard had Gary turn over the next card in the hand which turned out to be a 9. Heather guessed that the next card would be lower. It was an Ace so she lost again. Howard went over to tickle her once again. Heather wasn't sure she could endure it after drinking the water. He tickled her for a few seconds but nothing happened. Howard said they should give her something for being a good sport and ended up giving her $1000. Howard said the money for the game was courtesy of PartyPoker.net. He went to commercial break after that.
Howard spent some time talking to Rachel about the show and how long they'll be doing it. Tomorrow they do a live show where they'll be dancing live. Rachel said that Howard could watch and see her ''voluptuous body'' on the show. Howard told her that she just didn't look that thin on the show that he saw. Rachel told him to wait until the live show to see how she looks. Howard said that he'd still do Rachel no matter what though. Howard also read that Rachel's ex-boyfriend is dating Rod Stewart's daughter Kimberly. Rachel said that she didn't know that and she wished her luck with that guy. Howard also asked Rachel about how she used to say that she didn't want more money from Rod Stewart after she got divorced from him but she recently went back to court demanding more money from him. Rachel didn't want to comment on any of that stuff.
Howard told Rachel to come to the city so he can hook her up with another chick and watch her. She didn't sound like she was into that though so Howard got back to the Rod Stewart divorce thing. Robin asked Rachel if she's even divorce yet. She said that she's actually in the process of getting that taken care of so that's why they're in the middle of that and that's why she's asking for more money. Howard wondered who she's dating now but Rachel didn't want to share that with them either. She said that he's a hockey player on the L.A. Kings but wouldn't give out his name. She said he's from Toronto but that was about it. Howard was handed a note from the guys who did some research and found that he's only 25 years old.
Gary came in and reminded Howard about how Rachel bad mouthed Howard after the last interview she did with him. Howard read from an interview she did with a paper over in England where she said some negative stuff about him. Rachel said that was all taken out of context and she wasn't going to explain it any more than that. Howard kept trying to push for Rachel to talk about what happened with her and Rod and why she's asking for more money. Rachel refused to talk about that stuff. Howard told her he thinks the battle will be tough for her because she did sign a pre-nuptial agreement with him. Howard also said that Rachel comes across as an ''angry chick'' to him. She seemed a bit surprised by that comment as well. Howard told Rachel that he's actually going to watch this show that she's on because it looks really funny. He kept trying to get into the divorce discussions but Rachel didn't want to talk about it so she kept telling Howard that she wasn't going there.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Rachel is a very beautiful woman. That's all he wanted to say and Rachel seemed very happy to have heard that from him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and went off on Rachel for the way she treated Howard the last time she was on the show. Rachel didn't really have anything to say to her because she thought that Mariann was angry about life and she didn't have anything to say to her. Howard asked Rachel if she misses him and she sounded like she did. Howard said he thinks that she really doesn't like him though. Rachel said that's not true and she does like him. Howard tried to find out how much money Rachel was paid to do this show but she didn't really want to talk about that either. Howard took another phone call from a guy who told Rachel how beautiful she is and if it's true that Rod Stewart used to snort coke from her private parts. She said that wasn't true and she never used coke. She said she used to drink but she doesn't do that anymore. Howard was telling Rachel that if he could bang her, he'd do her so hard that her head would go through the wall, right into the neighbor's apartment. He said if he banged her in his apartment, she'd be saying hello to Regis.
Howard tried to get some more info out of Rachel about the guy she's dating but she didn't want to talk about that either. She said that she was worn out from the conversation that they just had about her head being put through a wall. Howard kept trying to get some stories out of Rachel but she didn't want to talk about a lot of the stuff he brought up. He eventually let her go and went to commercial break.
Howard said he was watching Pat O'Brien the other night on ''The Insider'' and they were doing a report about Brooke Shields and how much she went through to have her baby. Then, after she had the baby, she got depressed and wanted to kill herself and her baby. Now she's trying to have another baby and no one is trying to take the baby away from her. Howard said the child she has now is in danger and you'd think they'd take the baby away after she admits that she wanted to kill it. Howard played more audio from the Tom Cruise interview where he talked about Brooke Shields taking drugs to get over her depression. Cruise thinks that she shouldn't be taking the drugs and she's not depressed like she thinks she is. Howard said it would appear that Tom Cruise is now psychic from what he was saying.
Howard started off the show taking a call from an Artie impersonator who said that he wasn't going to make it in again today. The guy said that he was on cocaine and couldn't get in. Artie was actually there today and he said he loves when fans do bits. Howard said that Artie was upset because he was really sick and he feels that he was treated poorly. Artie said he liked the joke Howard told about what the doctor was going to tell him when he went to find out what's wrong with him. He said Howard said that he was going to tell him that he was fat and drunk. Artie told Howard that he wasn't at a Yankee game on Wednesday like someone was saying. He got sick on Thursday and felt just as bad on Friday. Then Saturday came around and he was fine. He said he felt good Saturday, Sunday and Monday. He only had one drink on Saturday night and he swore to God that he didn't drink anything else over the weekend. Then Tuesday rolled around and he got sick again. He said he had to throw up again yesterday so now Robin thinks that it's all mental. Artie said that the doctor told him he's doing this to himself. Howard thinks it's all about the upcoming movie. Artie said he's too upset about taking the time off, he's more worried about the movie just sucking. Howard told him that if he feels that way, he shouldn't do it. Artie laughed and said he can't just not do it. Howard told him that he shouldn't worry about the movie because he's done other sucky movies in the past. Artie said he just doesn't have any confidence and that's probably why he was sick yesterday. Howard told him that once the movie wraps, they'll be on satellite and everyone will have forgotten about them already.
Howard asked Artie who's directing the movie that he's doing. Artie said it's Frank Sebastiano who wrote the movie with him. Howard said that he should be worried then. Howard told Artie that he's stressed out to the max and he doesn't need to be. He's still got the radio gig and it's good for him. Howard told him that there are no expectations with this movie so there shouldn't be any worries. Artie said that when he really does go nuts, no one will hear from him. He said he's not like Cabbie. Howard welcomed Artie back and Robin asked him if he's going to make it through the rest of the week. He seems to think he'll be there. Howard played a relaxation tape for Artie and then played some of his voice mail messages that he left when he called in sick. He also threw in some of the bits and song parodies they created with those voice mails. Artie said they could put out an album of all of that stuff. Howard played Artie the prank call they made to a place that they'd prank called with the last sick call Artie made a few months ago. Dan the Song Parody Man created a bunch of song parodies using his voice mails. Howard played those and the first call they made to a business where they played Artie's sick call as if he was calling in sick to that place.
Robin asked Artie why he called his manager on Friday instead of calling in sick. Artie said he knew he wasn't going to make it in on Friday so he let his manager e-mail Gary. Howard went on to tell Artie about what he missed on the show yesterday with Heather getting naked and tickled in the tickle chair. They showed Artie some of the pictures they had of the girl getting tickled while she was naked in the chair. Howard felt bad that Artie missed it but Artie thought that they did just fine without him there. Howard was looking at the pictures on the site and complained about the shots they picked for the site. Jason came in and told Howard that he picked the shots they put up there. Howard said they had 20 great pictures of her ass and he picked the worst one. He said that he was checking them out last night and almost used them to pleasure himself. He had already showered for a meeting so he didn't want to do it before that. Jason said he still wasn't seeing the picture as being bad. Howard said it wasn't ''bad'' but it wasn't hot like some of them were. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that it wasn't a good picture because her ass looked wide.
Howard told Ronnie to help Jason pick out pictures for the web site from now on. Ronnie said he's offered to do that in the past but Jason hasn't taken him up on that. Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Howard for posting the pictures because he was able to see just how hot that chick really was. Cabbie called in and asked Ronnie if he'd like to take his dog while he's in jail later this summer. Cabbie said he found someone down in Virginia who might take the dog. They have a big Christmas tree farm down there and the dog would be able to run around. Cabbie said the dog would probably run away if you let it off the leash but the farm is fenced in. He said he'd feel bad sending the dog down there and then bring it back to the city when he gets out of jail. Gary said that he'd consider taking the dog because he has a dog and his yard is fenced in. He said he'd have to talk to his wife about that first though. Howard said if something goes wrong with the dog while he's in jail, Cabbie might go nuts on him. Cabbie said that he won't do anything to him. He also told Howard that Jason can't pick out the good pictures for the web site because he's ''half gay.'' Cabbie was also saying that he tried looking Artie in the eye this morning when he asked him how he was doing, but he wouldn't look back. Howard said that Artie is like that all the time. He won't look him in the eye when he talks to him either. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said that he had nothing to do with that firing over at FHM and Beth had nothing to do with it either. He said that the guy who got fired was the one talking about how FHM airbrushes all of the women in the magazine and he's the one who got himself fired. Howard doesn't want anything to do with that magazine anymore. He said that he walked in this morning and immediately heard from his hair dresser, Toni, about that article. He was going nuts when he heard about that and he wishes that his girlfriend would quit working there already. He wants them out of his f'ing life. Howard says that he hired a publicist years ago to keep him out of the paper because he hates stuff like this.
Howard read the Page Six article which said that Howard must have picked up the phone and asked for his firing. Howard said that didn't happen. Then the guy who got fired wrote on his blog that Beth had called him and told him that they were going to try and get him his job back. Howard said he doesn't know this guy and he's not going to try to get him his job back because he didn't get him fired. He doesn't give a rats ass about the whole thing. He doesn't go around getting people fired. Robin said that the people at Page Six know that the story isn't true but they went ahead and printed it anyway. Howard said that they (Page Six) once printed that he bought a car for a stripper one time but that never happened either. Howard doesn't know how he got so involved with FHM and he wants to jump in a lake and drown himself because of it. Howard said that's one thing that Page Six can print.
A phone caller told Howard that he can't wait for him to move over to the new place. Howard said he can't wait just to move out of the building they're in now. They've been working in the same place for a long time and it's time for a change. The caller told Howard how tough it is to get the show out in the area he lives in. He said Howard is on an AM station out in Reno, Nevada and it's tough to pull in the station. Howard put the guy on hold so he could listen to the show. He then went to commercial break.
Howard said that the American Family Association is at it again. They're upset about Ford Motor Company giving jobs and benefits to gay couples. Howard suggested that everyone go out and buy a Ford after reading the AFA's stance on that. He said that they're just a bunch of scum bags over there at the AFA because they insist on forcing their views on other people. Howard said if you want to boycott a car, boycott Hyundai. Artie talked about how goofy those cars look and how it's the best way to say ''I've got nothing going on.'' They goofed on those crappy cars for a short time.
Howard wondered why some people can sit in the green room over at Letterman's show but he can't get someone to wait five minutes on hold. He had Kathy Griffin on the phone to talk about her eye surgery. She told Howard that Will told her to call back in 15 minutes. Will came back in and said that he asked her if she wanted to wait on the phone or call back in 10 minutes. She chose to call back in 10 minutes. Howard told Will that he's going to keep people on hold from now on and not have them call back. He got back to Kathy and asked her why she was calling in. Kathy said that Page Six is writing more stories about her eye surgery and they're not right. She said she has 17 stitches in her eye after having major surgery on her eye that lasted 90 minutes. She said she still thinks that the doctor who did the Lasik surgery the first time screwed up her eye. She said that the doctor is trying to get her to stop talking about this stuff but she feels she's right about talking about it. She isn't back tracking on the story like one news story said. Kathy said she did wear a patch over her eye for a couple of days after the surgery but she's got that off now. Kathy said she's going back on the road this weekend and she is worried about the eye. She warned people to be careful when they get Lasik Surgery. Kathy got in a plug for a couple of comedy shows she's got coming up and invited people to come out and see her eye. She said she might be wearing the patch though.
Howard let Kathy go and spent a couple of minutes talking about how she had an ''enhancement'' done on her eyes after the initial eye surgery and that's when things went wrong. Howard said they have a bunch of guys there who don't have problems with their eyes after going to Dr. Dellorusso who advertises on their station. Howard will never get that done on himself because he's too afraid of having problems with his eyes and driving the doctor nuts complaining about it.
Howard said that Kidd Chris sent him this audio clip that he was about to play. He said there's apparently this thing called a whistler that you put on your muffler to make noise like a loud whistle. The audio clip was a news report about these whistler muffler tips. They had a couple of black people commenting on how great the tips are and a white woman talking about how annoying they are. Howard said the couple commenting on them were oblivious to how those tips annoy people.
Howard had a couple of new clips from COPS to play for Artie. He had a clip of a 300 pound guy getting tazered by the cops in one episode. He had another clip of some cops going into a woman's house and tried to calm down a the people who were arguing. Howard played another audio clip that was from a porn movie.
Howard had a new voice mail from Hate Man who went off on Artie about calling in sick for the past few days. He goofed on him about the voice mail messages he left and asked him to do an eightball with him. Howard said there were a bunch of e-mails about Artie as well. He read some of those brutal letters. One guy told Artie to get over his issues and get his ass to work. There are people who think that Artie has more serious problems which may be drugs. There were other e-mailers who said that Howard bashing Artie's movie isn't helping things out. Howard said he's not trashing the movie but then he said that no one is going to see this movie that he's filming this summer. There were a bunch more about Artie and some other e-mails about yesterday's show. One guy said he got aroused after looking at the pictures they posted of Heather who played the High Low game yesterday. There were some e-mails about Rachel Hunter's interview yesterday and some people don't believe her claims that she weighs the same today as she did in her modeling days. That led to Howard talking about the show that Rachel is appearing on and how Howard actually liked what he saw for the promos for the show.
Robin asked Howard if he's going to be watching The Real Gilligan's Island because Angie Everhart is appearing on the show. Howard said he might have to check it out for that reason but he has no desire to watch it. Howard got back to the mail and said that he got a positive review from someone who went to see Juliette Lewis' band the other night. Artie missed that whole interview so he doesn't know what her music was like. Howard played some of the CD (You're Speaking My Language) for Artie so he could hear it. Howard played one track and said he had a headache about 5 seconds in. Howard said she does have a pleasant voice though. He doesn't like when she yells in the songs but the quieter stuff wasn't so bad. Artie said there's something very sexy about that broad. Howard told Artie he couldn't get her to take off her shirt when she was in. She refused to take off the sweatshirt she was wearing. He said she was a little full of herself. He had to take another break after that.
Howard read that Rebecca Romijn was asked to lose 25 pounds for an upcoming TV show she has. Gary heard that it was for a movie that she's doing, possibly X-men 3. Howard read that she's apparently very comfortable in her new relationship with Jerry O'Connell and that's why she's been gaining weight. The guys spent a short time on that before taking a phone call.
Howard talked to Jessi about how she was kicked out of a strip club recently because she was dancing and having too much fun and they were distracting the customers from the guys in the club. Howard was asking Robin if she could wear one of these cammie tops that Jessi was talking about. Robin isn't going to be wearing one and she said she rarely goes topless because her breasts are out of control. Howard got back to Jessi and asked her about the strip club stuff. She said she ended up puking in a guy's car after he drove her home. She and this other girl ended up getting into the shower together to clean up and did each other in the shower. She said they even broke out some toys the other chick had there. They both did each other and made a lot of noise. Howard wanted to hear what that sounds like but Jessi didn't want to do it. She did a little bit and moaned for them but it wasn't all that much.
Jessi said that she has been with other musicians in the past but she doesn't have any STDs. She was telling Howard and Richard that she brings girls back to the apartment and wouldn't mind having another one in the room with Richard. Richard said it would be hot if the girl on the phone moaned and Robin moaned along with her. Robin said she thinks that Richard has lost his mind. Howard and Artie goofed on Richard a little bit and did impressions of him. Howard wondered if this chick was as hot as she sounded on the phone. She said she'd already e-mailed some pictures to them. She also said that she's up on this web site AllTheGirlsNextDoor.com. Howard hopped on the site to check it out and her ass looked good. Howard thought she might be 44 and not 24. Richard didn't seem to be too upset about that and thought she looked fine. Jessi said that she could come in pretty soon if they wanted. Howard put her on hold so they could book her.
Howard really wanted to know why Steve hates Barney so much. He said it's just the way it's presented that just gets to him. Howard asked him if he liked Mr. Rogers. He said he did watch that when his kids were small. Steve said he used to watch Captain Kangaroo before he was Captain Kangaroo. Howard gave up on trying to find out about the Barney stuff. He let Steve go and then played some Iced Earth music for Richard. He was going to go to break but there was another woman on the phone who said she wants to date Richard. She lives in New Jersey so she's much closer than the other chick was. She even moaned for Richard. Howard said that this is how Fred met his wife. The woman said that she's been told she looks like Meg Ryan did before she hit the wall. She's 5'4'' tall and weighs about 100 pounds. Richard was already preparing to have a date with both girls on the same weekend. Howard took a couple more calls and one guy complained about these people who call in and plug web sites after talking about how much they love someone like Richard.
Howard said that they got a call from a publicist who wanted to book some people from the new Dukes of Hazzard movie. She offered up Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville but they passed on both of them because they want Jessica Simpson. Gary said he couldn't even figure out who Sean William Scott was when he got the call. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said he saw his cousin Richie's son Isaac out in the office because he's there for an internship. Howard invited Isaac into the studio to say hello. Isaac just wanted to lay low and not make a big deal about being there but as soon as Howard mentioned his name, everyone turned around and looked at him. Howard said that he had just hugged the kid out there a short time before. The guys figured that could help get him laid but Isaac said his girlfriend might get upset about that. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about his SAT scores and stuff like that as well. Isaac said he got a 1450 score on his SAT test. Howard wanted to have Isaac compete against Robin's nephew on the air because both of them are very smart. Howard let Isaac go a short time later. He told him not to bother him if he has problems there.
Jon talked a little bit about why he thinks ''The Contender'' failed. He seems to think that it had a little bit to do with the shows they put that show up against. There were other problems with the show that he mentioned as well. Howard said there's a new show coming out on NBC where they're going to be pitting old bands up against each other. Jon said they have a bunch of 1980's one hit wonders competing against each other and it has a lot of potential. He and Howard talked about what they'd like to see happen on the show but they don't know exactly what's going to happen.
Robin wondered what people were saying about ''Lost'' on JumpTheShark.com. He said that the opinions were very mixed. Jon said that he'll be watching next season even though he thought a lot of the season finale was a waste of time. Howard and Jon also talked about how great the season finale of ''Smallville'' was. Jon said that a lot of people wonder why the rest of the season of that show can't be just as good as the finale was. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard some of the bands that will be featured on this new NBC show that they were talking about a few minutes before. There were a lot of one hit wonders that will be appearing on the new show.
Howard asked Jon if there's any end in sight for ''Desperate Housewives.'' Jon said that people are still liking the show but if the plot doesn't hold up next year, it may go away. Howard went through a bunch of shows with Jon. He brought up the Nick and Jessica USO tour show and how bad that was. Howard asked Jon about the new Star Wars movie even though they don't discuss that on the web site. Jon thought that the Star Wars movie was actually pretty good toward the end. Howard asked Jon what people think about Artie's sickness. Jon said that some people think that Artie isn't a good enough actor to pull off faking the illness so he must be really sick.
Howard and Jon talked about ''The Apprentice'' and how bad that was this season. While they were talking about some shows they took a call from Vinnie Favale who wanted to correct them on the ratings for ''CSI New York.'' He
Howard took a call from the manager from the restaurant he was at where they spilled wine on the $600 purse that Howard had just purchased for Beth. The guy was apologizing for not taking care of the bill for Howard after it happened. Howard explained the story that he told yesterday about what went on. The bus boy at the restaurant had spilled a glass of red wine on the bag and ruined it. The manager, Roie, said that they will buy him a new purse but Howard doesn't want him to do that. He said it was no big deal and wanted to let the guy off the hook. Howard thought it was kind of tacky that he made him pay the bill after all of that. Howard said he would have been uncomfortable not paying the bill so he's kind of glad he did make him pay. Howard told him he had to go. He said that he will go back to the restaurant because it was good. Howard let him go and said that they didn't even give Beth a replacement glass of wine after they spilled it. Ralph called in and told Howard to never go back to the restaurant because they didn't do the right thing the first time.
Jon and Howard got back to the TV show discussions and went through a bunch of other shows. Jon said that the good shows that are coming back this summer are ''The Shield'' and ''Rescue Me.'' There was some controversy over the finale of ''24'' and how lame the final scene of the show was. Howard had to wrap up shortly after that. He gave Jon a plug for his web site and for the paperback version of his book ''Jump the Shark'' and then went to break.
Howard started off the show talking about an Eagles reunion that was on last night. He didn't watch the whole thing but Artie had seen it and thought it was pretty good. Howard liked that they performed their songs just like they are on their albums. He was also talking about Joe Walsh and how entertaining he is to watch. Artie agreed and said that he pretty much steals the show from the rest of the guys. Howard also brought up the dance show that was on ABC last night and said that he's done with it after watching the first episode. He said the show had a lot of problems and it wasn't all that great. Robin agreed and said that she won't be watching it anymore either. Howard said he watched the show with an open mind but it didn't do it for him.
Howard was worn out this morning and complained that he's gained a few pounds lately. He said that he's been eating a lot of deserts lately and it's tough to be around Beth who eats chocolate all the time. He said that's basically all she eats. Howard went on to complain about the NY Post story that ran yesterday about the FHM Editor who got fired after making some comments about Beth on a TV show recently. They claimed that Howard got the guy fired but Howard swears he had nothing to do with it. Howard played some audio clips of a news report where they claim that Howard made a call to FHM himself and had the guy fired. Howard said he has nothing to do with that firing, he's never called the publisher and he didn't ask for the editor's firing. He doesn't care that the guy said that Beth is only in the media because she's dating him. Howard said that the guy didn't do anything to him and he didn't do anything to Beth. He doesn't know exactly why the guy was fired and suggested that someone ask FHM why they did it. Howard got a bunch of mail about the firing and people think it's wrong that he had the guy fired even though he claims he didn't do it.
Howard also liked that the NY Post got upset that a ''Sleazy'' paparazzi guy rammed Lindsay Lohan's car because they couldn't get a picture of her. They complained about the paparazzi but they're guilty of buying tons of pictures from those types of people. Howard had some other stories that he went over after that. He talked about how this guy who was known as ''Deep Throat'' came out and admitted he was the guy. Howard said that some people are wondering if he's a hero or not. He said that the guy is a hero in a way but not in the same way that a fire fighter is a hero after rescuing someone from a burning building or something.
Howard brought up the tim the paper reported that he'd given a car to a stripper at one time and they never printed a retraction even though the story was false. He said they seem to be able to get away with printing just about anything these days. He spent a couple more minutes going off on Richard Johnson. Robin wondered if he could sue over something like this. Howard asked what his damages would be and said that he probably couldn't win a case like that. Robin told him that he would have damages because they are damaging his reputation by printing fake stories like that. Howard insists that he doesn't go around demanding that people be fired for stuff like this and he really wants the NY Post to print a retraction. He figures that Richard Johnson would deny writing the story if he got him on the phone. Howard had played a news report from California where the reporter made it sound like he had an exclusive story about Howard calling FHM and getting a guy fired but he was just reading from that news story that was wrong. He went off on that guy for a couple of minutes. Robin said that the FHM people said that there were a few reasons that they fired that guy and they didn't mention Howard's name at all. Howard said that's right but there still isn't a retraction in the NY Post about that.
Howard told Robin about his daughter coming to him and saying that she had seen a news report about Beth possibly being a gold digger. He said that's the kind of stuff that upsets him. He threatened to put pictures of these people's ''fat, ugly wives'' and kids up on his web site to rate them if they insist on printing stories like this. He asked his fans to spread the word and let their friends know that this story is false. Howard wants Richard Johnson to call in and talk about this story with him but he's not sure the guy has the balls to do so. Howard said they never printed a retraction about the stripper story they wrote about him even after he confronted Richard Johnson on the air about it. They didn't have any proof of him doing such a thing but that didn't stop them from printing the story.
A listener called in and told Howard that his wife bought him a SIRIUS radio and he's got it all hooked up in his car already so he's ready to go. Howard said that he'll see him over there when he moves. He and Robin talked about how they have about 6 months left there at Infinity and it doesn't look like they're going to let him go early. He said that if they do give him an early release, they may have to sit out a couple of months before they start over there. He said he doesn't have a problem with that, he'd like some time to rest before the new place. He had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Gary asked Sal if he'd ever thought about going to a therapist to find out what his problem is. Sal said that he's afraid to go to a therapist. Gary told him that it seems like Sal is about to ruin the great job he has right now and he really should get some help before that happens. Howard told Sal that he likes him and he thinks he's a great worker there. He's a self starter and creates bits but he needs help. Sal said that he doesn't feel that Howard has ever gone the extra mile for him like he goes for Howard. Howard told Sal that he is not his boyfriend and he shouldn't be thinking that way.
Howard heard that Sal was upset that he had gone out to dinner with Lynda Lopez and not him. Sal said that was true and he doesn't understand why Howard would go out to dinner with her and not him. Howard told Sal to stop looking at his friends and stop trying to be his friend. He's only interested in having him work as an employee there at the station. He said that he has real problems. Sal asked Howard how he can find Lynda Lopez interesting and not him. Howard asked Sal if he's spending too much time with his children too. Sal said he doesn't know. He went on to explain what he thinks about working on the show and how he's able to satisfy Howard but Howard doesn't return the favor.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that both Sal and Richard Christy seem to be wacky guys. Howard told the guy that Richard is actually a pleasure to work with. He told Sal that he's draining him and he doesn't want to feel that he's attached to him with an umbilical cord. Gary asked Sal why there has to be a relationship outside of the job he has. Sal wasn't even sure why that was but he thought that's the way it should be. Howard told Sal to rise above all of this stuff and get over it. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Sal that there's something wrong with him. He said that Howard gave him a job and that's it, just a job. Gary told Sal that he didn't even win the contest that Richard Christy won and Howard still hired him. That's how good Howard thinks he is. Sal just can't get over the fact that it's just a job though. Ronnie told Sal that he's freaking everyone out talking about this stuff the way he is. Sal asked Howard what he talks to Lynda Lopez about when he goes out to dinner with her. Ronnie told him that he should just give it up because he's freaking Howard out asking questions like that. Sal yelled at Ronnie and went off on him about how he wasn't talking to him. Howard told Sal that he would never tell him what he talks to Lynda about. She's a friend of his and he's known her for years. Sal finally started to realize that he has to stop questioning stuff like this. Howard said that maybe he should stop being with Beth so much and maybe he should be with Sal instead. Gary told Sal that he doesn't hang out with Howard and he's known him for a lot longer than he has. Sal thinks that it's not a surprise that Howard doesn't hang out with Gary, no one wants to hang out with him. Sal seems to think that he's above Gary in that respect. While they were talking about this stuff Fred played a couple of the song parodies they created using clips of Sal talking crazy about what he'd like to do with Howard.
Sal apologized for his behavior but a phone caller thinks that Howard should fire him anyway. Artie told Sal that all he has to do to keep this great job is not act crazy. Gary told Howard about how Sal goes nuts when they don't play a bit he spent time on. Howard wants Sal to create all he wants and not get upset when he doesn't use something. He shouldn't expect Howard to use everything he creates. Sal said that he thinks Howard second guesses his stuff and that's why he doesn't play some of his bits. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Sal that he should be proud of himself for having the job. Sal said that's not his problem though. Howard took a few more phone calls and let a few guys go off on him. One guy said that Sal came up with this bit that's like his weekly therapy session.
Howard said that he heard that Sal gets upset when Artie doesn't laugh hard enough at his bits. Sal said that he said that just one time. Richard Christy brought in the bit that Howard didn't play yesterday just in case he wanted to play it today. Howard was out of time to play it but he did spend a couple more minutes talking about the problem he has with Sal. Robin told him that Sal could get worse if they let him continue the way he's going. Howard went to break a short time after that.
Howard had the guys bring Beetlejuice in after that and he walked in naked. Howard said he was wearing a bathrobe when he first walked in but then he was completely naked in his birthday suit. Beet was doing pretty good today, he was in a much better mood than the last time. Howard played one of the fake birthday wishes they had Wendy the Retard create. Howard asked Beet how old he is and he knew that he's 37 years old today. He was sporting some red hair today in celebration of his birthday. Howard wondered if Beet feels any different today now that he's 37 years old. He was feeling the same. Robin noticed that he lost another tooth so she asked him about that. Beet said that stuff happens when you get older and didn't think it was that big of a deal. Howard asked him if he ever goes out to a nude beach or anything like that. Beetlejuice is naked quite a bit but he hadn't been to a nude beach. Howard asked Beetlejuice if he'd like to have kids and said that he thinks he'd be a great father. They asked Beetlejuice if he'd ever adopt a Chinese kid. Beet said he'd never do something like that. He said he wouldn't want any kids at all. Robin asked him if he wants a wife. Beet said he has Sean's wife already so he doesn't need one. Sean is his manager.
Howard wished Beetlejuice a happy birthday and gave him a plug for an appearance he's making at the Crazy Leprechaun tomorrow night down in Philadelphia. Sal the Stockbroker came in and asked Howard if it was okay for him to measure Beet's ''manhood'' because he's noticed that it's fairly large. Beet said he didn't mind so Sal went over and had him drop his robe so he could measure with the measuring tape he had. Sal came up and said that Beet had 3 inches. Howard told him that he had more than he did and congratulated him on that.
Howard had another Beetlejuice on the phone. That was actually audio clips of Beet's actual voice. Howard let that go for a few seconds but bailed out on the bit a short time later. Howard took a call from Dave to said that Beet told them that he was in his late 40's the last time he was on the show. Beet said that was true but he's actually in his 80s even though he's only 37. Howard told Beetlejuice that they had a surprise for Beetlejuice and had the guys bring in a birthday cake for him. They all sang Happy Birthday to Beetlejuice and Howard pointed out that he had 77 candles on the cake. Howard asked him to blow out the candles and make a wish. Beet made his wish and tried to blow out the candles which were the type of candles that keep relighting. Beet was blowing over and over again but they kept lighting back up. Howard wrapped up the segment after that and took another commercial break.
Chief Gross said that they have two Mastiffs from this guy's house that they need to find homes for. He also said that they have the doberman but the dog was in bad shape and it will need some time to get better. Artie asked if he could have the Lynx carcass. Gross told Howard about some of the other strange stuff they found in this guy's house and how the guy could end up getting life in prison after all of the charges are added up. They're holding the guy on a million dollar bond right now. Chief Gross gave out a phone number for those who might want to adopt the dogs or if they'd like to give some money to help take care of the animals. You can also check them out at SuffolkSPCA.org. Chief Gross thanked Howard for letting him talk to them and told them to keep up the good work. Howard jokingly told Chief Gross that Robin has about 14 cats in her house and they may want to check her out as well.
Howard read some e-mail that he got after yesterday's show. He got some feedback about his cousin's son, Isaac, who is an intern there at the station right now. Isaac is going to Williams college and someone pointed out that the college is close to being an Ivy League college. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that and that led to them talking about the other interns they have there. Benjy was saying that the girls seem to have a lot of clevage showing back there today. Gary came in and said that they've been keeping a tally of who comes back to the office to visit now that they have all of these hot chicks there. Here are some of the counts:
Howard said that he did the gayest thing while he was watching the movie. He said he was throwing punches as the movie was playing because he was so into it. Ron said that people do that because they're so into the movie. Howard told Ron how great the movie was and how it's time to see how the movie will do at the box office this weekend. Ron told Howard that Russell Crowe really is a great actor and Howard is right about what he's been saying about him lately. Howard wondered if Crowe is getting more temperamental now that he's so big. Ron said that he's really not and they've become really good friends. Gary came in and said that he had a quote from Ron about Russell where he said that he's not all that easy to work with. Ron said something about how Crowe is like a resort on a tropical island because you never know what the weather is going to be like from day to day.
Ron told Howard that the first time he saw how good Paul Giamatti is was in ''Private Parts.'' Howard and Ron spent a minute talking about Giamatti who is also in ''Cinderella Man.'' Howard changed subjects and brought up Ron's daughter who is getting big now. Ron said she'll be working with M Night Shyamalan again on another movie. Howard asked him about this movie she's supposed to be doing (Manderlay) where she'll be having sex with a black man. Ron said that watching a sex scene like that is going to be tough for him but she has done nude scenes in the past. He said that she did a nude scene when she was in a college play at one point. Ron said that he once saw a play she was in where a guy was supposed to be beating up his daughter and he had to hold himself back from going up on stage to kick the guy's ass. Howard said he saw his daughter in a play one time where she got spanked by a guy and he felt like doing the same thing to that guy. Ron said that those scenes probably helped his daughter out as far as acting goes because she'll never be afraid of doing anything in a movie.
Howard asked Ron if he thinks that he's one of the top five directors out there right now. Ron asked Howard who the top 5 radio guys are. Howard said they're all him, Howard Stern, Howard Stern, Howard Stern... etc. Howard tried to get Ron to talk about the directors that he likes. Ron said he likes guys like Paul Thomas Anderson, Steven Speilberg, Bob Zemekis and Peter Weir. Howard asked Ron about working with Tom Cruise and if he was always hocking the Scientology stuff. Ron said that Tom was pretty good about not pushing that stuff on him. Howard asked Ron who the bigger talent is, Tom Cruise or Russell Crowe. Ron said that they're both great.
Ralph Cirella called in and asked Ron if he'll ever do another comedy again. Ron said that comedies are very tough to make and he's not sure. Ralph also asked Ron how involved he was with ''24.'' Ron said that he's very proud of the show but he doesn't have a lot to do with it. Ron said he thought the whole season was great. Robin also asked Ron about ''Arrested Development'' which Ron works on and narrates. He didn't talk all that much about it though. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that Ron is working on the movie ''The Davinci Code'' which will probably be the biggest movie of 2006.
Zolar called in as ''Stu Pitt'' and asked Ron who he would bang if his wife would allow him to do anyone he wants. Ron said that he once directed Betty Davis... Ron went on to say that this is a tough question. Howard told him that this is all hypothetical and he'd make it easier for him. He told Ron that his wife has died a slow, painful death... now who would he like to sleep with if she was gone. Robin said a better way to do it was to tell him that his wife has been kidnapped and he has to bang another woman to save her. That wasn't working either. Ron didn't want to give an answer for the question. Howard asked Ron if he pleasures himself so Ron told him he's getting a little too personal. He was laughing as he said it though so he didn't seem too upset about the line of questioning. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and told Ron how great he is and how great this movie ''Cinderella Man'' is. Howard asked Ron if he's still being bothered by ''Fonzie'' these days. Ron said that Henry Winkler gotten his own show that has been picked up for next season so he's not bothering him at all. Howard let Ron go after that.
The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how clean Ron's image seems to be and how there has to be a chink in his armor somewhere. Howard said he could spend hours talking to Ron about his days on ''Happy Days'' alone. He'd love to get him to talk about the people he worked with and bad mouth them all. He had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Howard asked Sal what his fantasy was in this whole thing. Sal said that there was no fantasy and he didn't have any other stuff in mind. Sal said he didn't want to go there because Howard had a look in his eye that made it look like he was ready to get rid of him. Sal said that if Howard doesn't want him to ''help his family'' then he won't. Howard figures the real reason Sal got involved was because the kid is part of his family. Howard told him not to worry about his family and to leave Isaac alone. He doesn't want him thinking about Howard Stern anymore.
Bobo called in and warned Sal that if he keeps up with this stuff he's going to lose his job before he ever makes it to SIRIUS. Sal told Bobo that he's going to lose his toupee before he loses his job. Howard said that's not necessarily true. He had Robin finish up her news after that. They ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard asked Artie how many more days it was before they move to SIRIUS. Artie said it's about 180 days. Howard is ready to go already and wants to wake up over there. He changed the subject and said that he watched the new NBC show ''Hit Me Baby One More Time'' last night that he was talking about earlier in the week. He said the show was the best train wreck of a show to watch because they have 80s bands trying to perform now. He said it smelled like a huge failure to him. Gary came in and said he'll watch the show next week but last night he watched the whole show in about 10 minutes because he had it on TiVo. Howard said the host of the show yelled during the whole show and he's freakishly tall. They didn't have him set up right during the show so he was yelling down at the camera. Robin hadn't seen the show so she had a few questions about the show. Howard told her all of the details that he could. He said the host had extremely white teeth that were very odd looking. He said that the first band to come out was Loverboy and the lead singer in the band was fat. He figures that the guy can't be that much older than he is but he looked like he could be his father's age. Howard said that was very weird and then Tiffany came out and it looked like she got big implants to try and hide her fat. Her fat rolls were hanging out and he's pretty sure that she had triple F implants. She had to sing one of her own songs and then she performed a Kelly Clarkson song that was really bad. The next band was Arrested Development which was a band that Howard didn't remember until he saw them again. He said they have this old grandfather sitting there and hanging out while the band performs. Gary pointed out that all of these guys have studios in their house. Howard thinks that's the kiss of death with these bands. Once they get a studio in their house they disappear.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the old man sitting there during Arrested Development's performance was really annoying. He thought the band sucked and started saying some racial stuff about the guy. Howard let the guy go after that and spent a couple more minutes talking about that old dude. Gary asked Howard what he thought about Flock of Seagulls. Howard said the guy with the odd hair in the band was obviously doing a comb over back in the 80s.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about SIRIUS radio and if he'll be able to record it. Howard told him he'll be able to do that and they're supposed to come out with a TiVo-like product for the radio service. The caller also said that there are some shows out there that seem to be kind of derivative of his show so Howard spent a minute on that. Another caller asked Howard if SIRIUS is on the stock market. Howard said that it is but also told the guy that he doesn't tell people to buy or not to buy the stock. He has no concept of whether or not the stock will be big or not. The caller asked Artie if he invests. Artie said he'll be putting his money on the Knicks next season. Another caller told Howard that he thinks that Tiffany chick is pregnant because that belly she had looked like she was. Howard thinks she was just fat though. Another caller said that he thinks that Flock of Seagulls wasn't even performing live last night because the keyboard wasn't plugged in. Fred figures that it's probably easier for them to record a song instead of playing live and doing a sound check before the performances. Howard wanted to take a break so he could stay on schedule for the morning.
Howard had a few things to play for everyone. He had Billy Mira as David Lee Roth calling a chicken place placing an order by singing it to the guy taking the order. The guy hung up on him multiple times before ''David Lee'' gave up on the call. Howard moved on to play some audio clips from the Bravo channel's ''Sports Kids Moms and Dads'' which shows the parents of some parents who force their kids into sports. The first clip was of a mother who was showing off some of the pictures of her son who didn't make it into the finals of a ice skating championship. The mother was talking about how mad she was with her son for not getting into the final 3... He was 5th. Howard had another clip where a father talks about his son playing football and how he's hoping that his son will help fulfil his dream of playing in the NFL. The father also talks about how he believes that kids choose who their parents. The father then talked about his son's schedule for practice and playing ball. Then the guy says that he goes over what his son did wrong on one day. The son is only 8 years old. Robin said that this sounds like abuse and wonders why the kids aren't taken away. Howard had to take another break after that. (As they were going to break Fred played an old Captain Janks prank call to a California TV station during some wild fires out there. Janks used my name, Mark Mercer, as the guy who was giving people advice on how to avoid the fires. I'd almost forgotten about that call. Thanks again Janks!)
Howard mentioned that ''Dickface'' Sam Rubin would be calling in today. He's a local Los Angeles deejay who talked about a story that he'd read in the NY Post like it was a true story. Howard said Sam just picked up on the story and ran with it even though it wasn't true. Howard played the audio from Sam's report that he played the other day. The whole story about Howard getting an FHM editor fired isn't true according to Howard. He said even the NY Post printed that FHM says the story isn't true but Sam ran with it anyway. Howard wanted an apology from Sam and Sam did do a half assed retraction on air. Sam and the news crew spent a couple of minutes going over the story and not really doing a retraction of what they'd said the other day. Howard said that those people are supposed to be a news crew and they shouldn't be regurgitating the news from the NY Post. Howard said Sam never said that the story was false and you don't know what he's saying during that whole thing. Howard said Sam didn't do it in the same manner as he did the original report. Howard said Sam is supposed to be calling in a little later and he's going to write him a real retraction that he can read on the air.
Howard had some audio clips from ''Hit Me Baby One More Time'' that he was talking about earlier in the show. He was going to play those but the guys ended up talking about the dance show that aired earlier this week on ABC. The show got big ratings but Howard doesn't think that it'll pull in the audience again next week because it was such a disappointment. Howard got back to the ''Hit Me Baby One More Time'' thing and played some of the audio clips he had. The first one was the host of the show yelling all of his lines. He also had the Flock of Seagulls performance that was kind of rough. The guys talked about how the singer had gained a lot of weight and looked like an old man. Gary said that Howard is the only guy he knows that gets thinner as he gets older.
Debbie Schlussel called in to get in on that conversation. She was wondering what was up with the host of the show and talked about his giant teeth and how annoying he was. Debbie also brought up CC Peniston but Howard ended up hanging up on her because he didn't want to hear her anymore. Howard talked about Tiffany's enormous breast implants and her fat belly. He figured she was trying to dress like she was still 15. Howard played a little bit of Tiffany's performance of ''I Think We're Alone Now'' and her cover of Kelly Clarkson's song ''Break Away.'' She didn't sound all that bad when it was just the audio. Howard said it was worse when you could see her fat belly. Gary said he'll be watching next week because they have The Knack, Tommy Tu Tone and Wang Chung playing. He wants to see what the guys in The Knack look like now.
Ralph called in and said he finds it funny how Sal has goofed on Gary over the years and he doesn't get that Gary is just hammering him back. Gary said he's not going to take crap from Sal about anything and he doesn't have to answer to him any day of the week. Sal said he was trying to help Howard out by getting him the COPS tapes and Gary was goofing on him about that. Artie said that there were a bunch of people in the back talking about Sal yesterday but they weren't coming in to talk about it today. Sal was yelling at Gary for bringing up the comedy school thing because it just wasn't true.
Sal told the guys that he meets with other people about his comedy like Richard Christy and Will Murray from the back office. Vinnie Favale called in and said that he thinks he met this guy Steve Marshall that Sal meets with and they have to get him on the show because the guy is like Henny Youngman. Sal was yelling at Ralph to shut up during all of that because he was going off on him. Sal ended up walking out of the studio because he couldn't take the abuse. Gary said that he's taken tons of abuse from Sal over the years and he still likes him but Sal can't take any goofing himself. Gary also said that Sal is actually good when he does stand-up comedy and he wants people to believe that he's a natural and doesn't want anyone to know that he's learning some stuff from some other people. Robin said that Sal will never thank his comedy teacher if he ever wins an award for anything. Richard Christy came in and said that Sal does use a lot of lingo that he's never heard before. He also said that Sal has helped him out with his comedy a lot. Richard said that Sal has given him some advice on what to do on stage sometimes.
Gary said that he heard that Sal and Richard played a place recently and they're now banned from appearing there again. Richard's material didn't go over very well. Will came in and said that Sal was about ready to kill someone out in the hall and threatened to strangle Robin. Will said that Sal has given him some advice on comedy and told Howard about that. Will said that if you think about all of that stuff while you're on stage you get lost. Will said they once saw Sal going nuts on an audience member because he was heckling him. Sal apparently yelled at the guy and stopped doing his comedy to do that. Howard thanked all of the guys for coming in and tried to wrap up the segment. Gary said that he's not going to answer to Sal, he learned his lesson when Stuttering John was there because he was just about working for him before he left. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said that his kids and co-workers read that stuff in the paper and think that he's a dick. He said he doesn't want people to think he's a jerk. Howard told Sam that he would swear on a stack of bibles that he never called FHM to have a guy fired and he wants Sam to let his audience know that. Howard and Sam worked things out and Howard didn't seem as upset with Sam as he did earlier in the morning when he called him ''Dick face.'' Howard replayed the audio clip of Sam's first report about the firing of the FHM editor. Howard wanted people to think about what they would have thought about that report if they'd just tuned in as a casual viewer. It was pretty brutal.
A listener called in and said that it was a little rude that Sam didn't mention Beth's name when he did his retraction of that story. Ralph also called in and said that it's obvious that Sam didn't read the whole story in the paper because the paper never said that Howard called FHM. Howard said that whole article led to an argument between him and Beth because she thought that he was saying that it was somehow her fault. Ralph asked where Richard Johnson is in all of this. Howard said that he's hung out with Richard a couple of times socially and none of that seems to make a difference.
Howard let Sam go and ended up talking about how Ralph told him that he's getting fat. He said Ralph told him that his gut was getting a little big while he was standing there in his underwear yesterday. Ralph told Howard that Beth's meal last night had a lot of hidden sugar in it. Ralph said he thinks that she put about 2 cups of maple syrup in the meal but Howard thought it was just a drop. Howard said he also had some rice and bananas later on. Howard said that he's starving right now because he barely eats anything. He took another phone call and the guy told him that Sam was being a bit of a dick about the whole thing. Howard said he feels bad for the people who have reports like that written about them and they don't have an outlet to complain on like he does.
Howard asked Jeff if it's true that he didn't even have to go back to have a driving test after the license suspension. He said they just mailed it back to him. Howard wanted to know what this notice said. Jeff said that they sent him his drivers license back and they didn't write anything in there. Artie said he's had his license suspended a bunch of times and that's not how it works. He said he's had his suspended about 7 times in New Jersey and he had to go back to the DMV offices to get it reinstated. Jeff said he has his license and that's that. Jeff said the car will have insurance and license plates on it. He said the insurance will cost him $270 down and $143 a month. The guys wondered if he can afford that. Jeff said he'll be fine.
A listener called in and said that Jeff's license is probably expired if it was suspended for 3 and a half years. Jeff says that the license has not expired but the caller thinks that if he goes in to get it renewed, they'll probably just take it away again when they see him. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Jeff shouldn't be allowed to drive at all because he only has one arm. Jeff said that he passed his drivers test with just the one arm. Ronnie doesn't believe that the guy should be behind the wheel at all. Jeff says that he's not going to drink and drive again but the guys don't believe that. Howard let Jeff get in a plug for the guy who gave him the car. Jeff said that he can't say the guy's name. He then said that he wanted to do an ''un plug'' for JeffTheDrunk.net because he doesn't see any money from the site. Jeff then got in the plug for the Chevrolet dealer that gave him the car. The car is from Dibola Chevrolet. As Howard was getting ready to let Jeff go, he got a call from someone at the DMV who said that Jeff's license is good through 2011. He has to have a knob on his steering wheel and an automatic transmission. Howard let him go after that.
Howard asked Paul what kind of money he made for ''Private Parts'' and he thinks that it was about ten grand. Paul said that was good at the time but he's still not making millions like Howard thinks he is. Howard also congratulated Paul on that Harvey Pekar movie he made. He couldn't get over the fact that Paul isn't making millions for the movies he's making these days. Paul said that he's an ugly man and he comes cheep. He told Howard about how he's still living in Brooklyn and he now has a 4 year old kid. Paul said that he's working with M Night Shyamalan on a new movie next. He said he may be getting some back end money on the movies he's making now but he's not getting points yet. Artie said that ''back end'' on these movies usually means two free tickets to the movie. Howard asked Paul if he thinks he was a good actor when he worked with him on ''Private Parts.'' Paul said he was great and Robin agreed and said that Howard did take after take and he was great. Howard thought that Paul was great when he was acting as Pig Vomit in the movie. Howard said he's surprised that he could still afford to work with Paul on a new movie now that he knows that he doesn't get paid millions.
Paul said that he really didn't have any expectations of getting an Academy Award nomination. He said it would be like getting upset about not winning the lottery after buying a ticket. Paul kept telling Howard that he really does have to thank him for making his career. Howard thought he was being sarcastic but Paul said he was serious. Howard told Paul that he's a really talented guy and he made himself. Howard said that Paul is a really good guy and let him go after that. Howard said he didn't spend much time talking to Paul off camera because there were so many hot chicks around. He said he would have spoken to Paul more off camera if he was a hot chick. Fred told Howard that Paul really is a very nice guy and he knew that the quote he'd read earlier about how much he owed to Howard was a real quote. Paul wouldn't joke around about that kind of thing. Howard said that the hot chicks will always get his attention. Artie said that if you really want to feel invisible, just be ugly and go to the set of a movie. Everyone will ignore you. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he read that Cameron Diaz is claiming that the National Enquirer is saying that they are printing stories about her cheating on her husband. Mike said he really can't comment on the story because Cameron is suing them over the story. Mike said that it wouldn't have been much of a story if Cameron and this other man hadn't jumped into some bushes to make out. Howard had Mike get to his game after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said he made a prank call to a gay radio channel on SIRIUS radio. Howard barely understood what he was saying but he was going to let him play the call. Eric said he couldn't play the call because there were curse words on it. Eric was rambling something about doing an interview with Jack Nicholson and mentioned Irish John's name for some reason but Howard had no idea what he was talking about so he hung up on him and had Robin start her news.
Howard took a call from this woman Angelina that calls in quite often. She asked Howard what the name of the book was that Beth was reading on the train the day she had someone staring at her. Howard had to think about it but came up with the name which was Alice Sebold's ''Lucky : A Memoir.'' He also mentioned her other book ''The Lovely Bones'' which was another good one. He said they're pretty intense books though.