For the week of 05/23/2005 to 05/27/2005

• Weekend Stories. 05/23/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''Howard Stern Descrambler Glasses'' commercial parody, a ''Baba Booey'' song parody, John the Stutterer singing ''My Generation,'' Incubus performing ''I Wish You Were Here'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the morning asking the guys what they did this weekend and talking about what he did. He said he had his daughter and her friend over to his place over the weekend. He also took his mom and dad out to dinner on Friday night. He was being a good son and a good father over the weekend. He said he was ''being human'' and today it's back to him being a scum bag. Yesterday he went to see a movie called ''Cinderella Man'' with Robin. He said the movie was one of the best movies he's seen and he thinks that it'll be an Academy Award winner. He described it as being like Rocky with a better story. He also said that he loved Renee Zellwegger in the movie. He also said he'll never say another bad word about Russell Crowe after seeing the movie. Both Howard and Robin said that the guy is an amazing actor. Robin said she was so into the movie that she went and looked stuff up about the people they were portraying in the movie since it was based on a real story. Howard and Robin spent a few minutes talking about the movie and how great it was.

  Howard also read that Star Wars made over $150 million over the weekend and that was pretty amazing to both he and Robin. Robin thought it might make over $100 million but she didn't know it would be that much. Howard said that it's a miracle it made so much money after the last two movies sucked so bad. Howard figured that people would have avoided it on that fact alone. He said the other two were so bad that George Lucas should have let people see this one for free. Howard said he can't even watch the last two movies when they come on TV because they're so bad.

  Howard mentioned that Kathy Griffin is coming in today to talk about how she's going blind. He got back to his own weekend story after that. He talked about going to Ecco for dinner over the weekend. He said the Italian food was excellent there. That got Artie talking about how he took his mother out to dinner last night to Frankie and Johnnies in Hoboken. It was his mother's birthday dinner. Robin was up in Boston watching a baseball game with her nephew. Her nephew is almost like a son to her according to Howard. Robin said he's not like a son, he's just like a nephew to her. Howard wondered if anyone gets jealous of how much time she spends with her nephew. She said that's not a problem. She said it is weird to be called ''Aunt Robin'' which is required by his parents. Robin said she'd prefer not to be called ''Aunt'' but that's what his parents want. Robin mentioned that her nephew was once asked if he was ''Mr. X'' (her boyfriend) and he was kind of offended by that. Howard said he and his daughter went somewhere one time and they were mistaken for being a couple as well. He was pretty creeped out by that.

• Various News Stories. 05/23/05. 6:15am
  Howard brought up this controversy that's been going on with Newsweek for the past couple of weeks and how their reporting can really get our troops in trouble by printing incorrect stories. They had reported that our troops had flushed a Qur'an down the toilet but it turns out the story wasn't true. He said that kind of stuff can really piss off people over there in the Middle East. He thinks that the news reporters in this country have to be sensitive to that kind of thing because we still have troops over there in Iraq. Howard said that we can't keep walking around in our lives without remembering that we still have troops over there. He believes that if the people at Newsweek had family fighting over there, they would have changed the story. Robin told Howard that the Pentagon got to read that article before it was printed and they let it pass. Howard found that hard to believe and said that he hadn't heard that before. He said if that's the case than it's even crazies that the story got out. He and Robin argued a little bit about whether or not stuff like that should be censored or not. Howard said he's not for censorship but some of this stuff has to be blocked from being printed in the paper because it's endangering our troops over there. Robin thinks that if that stuff is kept secret, it can cause even more problems. She and Howard went back and forth arguing about whether or not it should be something the country should censor. Howard said in times of war we should change the way things are done. Howard decided to get back to being funny after that.

  Howard read a story about Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows. The story said that this guy who used to run an escort service said that Adam used to hire hookers and would have up to five at a time. Howard said that has to hurt Adam. He knows the guy and this isn't going to make it any easier for him to get laid. Howard asked Artie if the hooker in Las Vegas story he told turned Dana off at the time. Artie said that they just knew each other at the time and it was pretty tough for her to hear. Howard and Artie said that they don't believe the story about Adam getting hookers.

  Howard brought up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's break up and how Aniston must be freaking out about Brad banging Angelina Jolie. Howard read that Brad is so into Angelina that he's wearing a ring that Angelina gave him even though he never wears jewelry. Howard read that Jennifer is always over visiting Courtney Cox and her baby. Howard reenacted what might be going on with Jennifer crying over her loss of Brad for a minute before he moved on to other stuff.

  Howard brought up how he has this big movie screen in his apartment and he was watching ''60 Minutes'' on it last night and about 45 minutes in the screen just rolled up into the ceiling without warning. Robin has the same screen and it's done the same thing to her on a couple of occasions. Howard did some ''Wah, wah'' stuff about himself crying over something so ridiculous. Robin said she had ''Dr. Shade'' come in and fix the problem for her. Howard had to take a break after that quick discussion.

• Phone Calls And More. 05/23/05. 6:45am
  After the break Howard replayed the ''Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the S**t'' bit they put together. They also had a bit where they had people auditioning for the voice of ''Darth Vader.'' They had Daniel Carver and Gary the Retard trying out for the part. Howard said he'd like to see the Star Wars movies with Gary the Retard's voice dubbed in over Darth Vader's.

  Howard took a call from a guy who wondered why Robin is constantly talking over everything on the show and why Howard lets her get away with it. Robin wasn't there at the time because she had to run to the bathroom. She came back and talked about how she's having a bad day just like Artie did recently. Robin said that she's a little itchy after that because she didn't have access to any water to wipe herself. The caller got back to his point about how Robin is taking over the show and how she's constantly arguing with Howard about everything. The caller was also asking Howard if they're going to continue to play bits over and over or if they'll have new stuff when they move to SIRIUS. Howard told the guy that the stuff they play now isn't all old stuff, some of it's new. The caller was also wondering if he's going to continue to have the same people calling in day after day when they move. Howard said he hopes they do, that's what the show is all about. The caller wants him to do some new stuff when he moves. Howard had to hang up on the guy because he was being such a pain in the ass.

  Another phone caller asked Howard about what his opinion is of the drug company Merck. He said that Howard seems to have an opinion about everything so he wanted his opinion on how they could straighten out that company. Howard had an opinion and told the guy about the new guy the company has hired to straighten things out and how he thinks the company will be turned around now. The caller said he was surprised that he had an answer for him after trying to stump him with that.

• Howard's Dinner With Governor Patacki. 05/23/05. 6:55am
  Robin mentioned a story about how sex offenders can get Viagra through Medicaid. Howard said he read that story too and he thinks that Medicaid is a mess because of things like that. Howard went on to talk about how he was out to dinner with his mother the other night and he got a tap on his shoulder. It turned out to be Governor George Patacki and his wife Libby. Howard said he loves Patacki and Patacki told him how embarrassed he is about how his party is treating him. Howard said his mother got all excited about meeting the governor. Howard's parents were also talking about how Howard used to suck on the radio and how they were the ones who got him to sound better. Howard pointed out that he's the one who paid for dinner and sent them home in a limo that night. Howard said his father was actually pretty funny at dinner that night. He told Patacki not to shake the hands of some visitors they had with them because they were from California and they couldn't vote for him. Howard said it was really nice of Patacki to hang out with them for a few minutes there at the table. He said Patacki looked good the other night and probably better than he did when he was on the show 12 years ago or whatever it was. Howard and the guys talked about how Patacki may not run for governor again. Howard said the guy should run for President instead. They were also talking about how Rudy Giuliani should run for president as well.

  Howard mentioned ''Cinderella Man'' again and talked about how great Russell Crowe was in the movie. He said that the guy was amazing in the movie. Howard also thinks that Renee Zellweger and Paul Giamatti were both great in the movie as well. Ron Howard directed the movie and Howard said some nice words about him as well.

• Punching Stories Getting Censored On Howard's Show!? 05/23/05. 7:05am
  Howard said that Tom Chiusano went nuts the other day. He brought up the story about Richie from E! talking about how he dated a girl who used to like being punched in the face. He said that Tom went nuts on Gary after that discussion saying that they don't encourage that kind of behavior. Tom came in and said that he had a private conversation with Gary and he didn't want to talk about this stuff on the air. Tom said that this is an FCC thing and he doesn't want to discuss it on the air. Howard said this has nothing to do with the FCC and he really wants to know how this has anything to do with the FCC. Howard was asking Tom about this stuff and the delay was hit at least one time while he was talking about it. It sounded like this was all about doing that stuff during sex and discussing it on the air. Howard said he thinks that he should be allowed to walk out of his contract now because they are editing his show in ways that just don't make sense. Howard and Robin were arguing with Tom about the whole thing and Howard said he really doesn't want to be there anymore. He asked Tom if they've got any plans to replace him yet because he just wants to leave. He told Tom that he loves him but he wants out of his contract.

  Gary came in and asked Tom if he knows if they're going to replace Howard in all markets or just in local markets. Tom said that the people over in Corporate are figuring all of that stuff out and he has nothing to do with it. Gary said he heard that Don and Mike may be the ones who replace Howard. Howard said they were talking about that down in Washington DC but he's not sure about the rest of the markets. Howard said he doesn't care if they take all of those guys, Don and Mike, Mancow, Opie and Anthony and put them all on at the same time. He doesn't care, he just wants out. He said he'd even go on the air and lie by saying that they're all great. He begged Tom to let him go already. Gary said that was a pretty generous offer but they're not going to let him out of his contract that easy. Howard continued to beg Tom for a couple of minutes. He asked him to just let him go already. Artie said that his father used to ask him to push him off a cliff after he was paralyzed. Artie said he should have done it but he couldn't bring himself to do something like that. That's basically what Howard was asking Tom to do but Tom couldn't do that.

  The delay was hit while Howard was talking about the punching during sex. Howard wondered why they won't fight the FCC about stuff like that. Howard goofed on Tom's robotic voice for a couple of minutes and talked about how this stuff is killing him. He and Tom continued to talk for a couple of minutes and the delay was hit multiple times during their discussion. Even Tom didn't seem to be aware that the delay was being hit during those discussions. Gary wondered if they were going to see Tom in their future when they move to the new place. Howard said he thinks Tom will want to get out of the company and not have anything to do with whoever it is that replaces them. Howard was ready to get out of the business until the satellite deal rolled around. Howard had to go to break after that.

• Howard's ''Psychedelic Bee'' To Be Released By Sugar Ray. 05/23/05. 7:30am
  After the break Howard said he was reading an article about a book written by Steven Gaines. In the book they talk about housing co-op boards and how they can refuse to sell to just about anyone who wants to buy. He said it's basically discrimination and even the Jews in some of the buildings don't want too many Jews so they vote to keep them out.

  Howard said he had a news bulletin for everyone. He mentioned the song that he wrote when he was in 6th grade called ''Psychedelic Bee'' and how the band Sugar Ray had played it on his show years ago. Now Sugar Ray is including that song on their ''Best Of'' (Greatest Hits) CD that's coming out. Fred played the original version that Howard recorded when he was a kid and some of the Sugar Ray version. Howard said it's pretty exciting that they're going to have that song on an album.

  Howard mentioned that AOL had an American Idol poll and they found that 69 percent of the votes were for Bo Bice but Howard thinks that's a mistake because the guy won't sell any albums.

• Kathy Griffin Talks About Her Possible Blindness. 05/23/05. 7:40am
  Howard played an audio clip from Entertainment Tonight where Kathy Griffin was talking about her possible blindness after having LASIK surgery on her eyes. Howard had Kathy there to talk about this with them as well. She has some kind of growth on her eye and Howard could see it from a few feet away. Artie said he was checking it out in the green room and there was definitely something there. Kathy said she cried during that whole ET interview. Howard asked Kathy why she had this surgery to begin with. Kathy said they're always trying to talk you into this new stuff so she just had it done. Howard asked her why she's always having all of these surgeries done and why she doesn't stop. Kathy said her vision wasn't perfect and the doctor told her that they could make it better than it was. Kathy said she's lost about 30 percent of the vision in her right eye. They have to do surgery on her tomorrow where they're going to have to leave stitches in her eyeball. Gary came in with a letter from a doctor who basically said that Kathy is lying about the vision loss and she still has 20/20 vision. They also say that Kathy did not cry in the doctor's office and how she is not going blind and she even had her husband get surgery even after all of this went on. Kathy said she didn't recommend the surgery after she had this problem. The doctor's office is also claiming that Kathy demanded money from the doctor to keep her mouth shut but Kathy says that is not true either. She swore that she did not ask for $250,000 herself. She said that her lawyer did send a letter to the doctor about what they were looking for in the case and the maximum they can ask for is $250,000. She also claims that they're on a smear campaign to ruin her reputation. Gary read more from the letter and they say that what Kathy is saying in the media is not true. This only effects 1 percent of the population.

  Kathy said that she's been told that after she has the operation to remove the cells from her right eye, it may come back. Howard took some phone calls after that. Sal the Stockbroker called in pretending to be a doctor and said that the problem is not that Kathy can't see, it's that we can all still see Kathy Griffin. Howard took another call from a woman who said that she should be fine after this operation from what she knows. She said she thinks that Kathy just needs a different surgeon. The woman, who said she's in the Opthomology field, thinks that this is a very simple operation and she should be fine. Another caller asked Kathy if she thinks that this is a Karma thing and it's payback for all of the dirt she dishes out about other celebrities. Kathy doesn't seem to think that's the case and she's going to continue to dish the dirt.

  Gary read another note from the doctor who said that pretending to be blind is like pretending to have AIDS or something like that. Kathy said that this stuff can happen to other people as well. Howard took a call from ''Earl'' (Richard Christy) who asked that the next doctor please sew Kathy's mouth shut. Howard asked Kathy to please stop getting operations done on herself because she has had problems in the past. He went through some of the stuff she's had done to her face and body over the years. He said ''Stop! It's enough.'' Kathy claims that she's had less surgeries than the girls who were on ''Friends'' but she's not sure exactly how many they've had.

  Kathy said she just wants to tell her side of the story and people can think what they want to think. She said she knows that surgery is risky and people have to think about that before they get this stuff done. Kathy said they don't want her going out there to show what her eye looks like because they will lose customers that way. Kathy also said that if she had settled with the doctor over this whole thing, she wouldn't have been talking about it in the press. She said that's only because she would have had to have signed a confidentiality agreement though. Another phone caller told Howard that a this surgery hasn't been around all that long and they don't know what the long term effects are going to be. A guy called in after that and said that his mother had the same thing that Kathy has and she had to go through 4 surgeries to get rid of it... and it came back anyway. Kathy said that's what she's going to do tomorrow and she can't believe that she might have to go through it again.

  Howard tried to get Kathy to cry like she did on Entertainment Tonight but she wasn't quite there. He was trying to get her all emotional again but it just wasn't happening. A listener called in and told Howard that there are all kinds of secrets in the business. He said that he's a lawyer and surgeries on eyes can be life changing things unlike surgeries on noses and things like that. Another caller told Howard that Kathy might just need some milky sauce in her eyes. Howard told Kathy that he hates to see people go through stuff like this. He asked her to call them and let them know what's going on with the surgery. He let her go after that and took another break.

• Howard's Limo Still For Sale. 05/23/05. 8:20am
  Howard said that Ronnie the Limo Driver had his Escalade limo on eBay.com last week but he's had so many problems getting a serious bidder that they had to take it off and put it on a private web site. Now it's available on HowardsLimo.com. Ronnie came in and talked about some of the problems he's had with the whole thing and how people were placing bids under names like ''Ronnie's Gay'' and ''Ronnie's a Fag'' and stuff like that.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked about last night's ''The Contender'' and what he thought about that. Howard thought it was great as usual. He also talked about this guy Lamon Brewster who fought over the weekend and won. Sam Simon is his manager and he was there at the fight kissing the guy from what Howard said. That led to Howard and the guys goofing around with some clips of Jimmy the Greek talking about black athletes and how they were bred to be big back in the slave days. Howard had some fun goofing on the guy and doing an impression of him.

  Howard took a call from a woman who brought up ''The Contender'' again and said that Peter Manfredo shouldn't have been let back on the show. Howard said that he wanted the other guy to win the fight. Howard brought up ''Cinderella Man'' again and talked about how great that movie was. He said that Paul Giamatti was great in the movie even though it took him a few minutes to get past the fact that the guy played ''Pig Virus'' in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard and Artie were still doing their Jimmy the Greek impressions and goofing around with that.

• Cyndi Lauper Calls In. 05/23/05. 8:35am
  Howard said that they sent Richard and Benjy over to some Erotic ball and have a bunch of pictures from Warren Tang to put up on his web site. They had some women putting their hands down Richard's pants and one woman sitting on his head. He said they'd talk about that after talking to Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi was on the phone to talk about a charity concert she's doing with Natalie Merchant called the Theresa Fund Raiser. Cyndi told Howard that they're doing this for a benefit for a woman who died. Tickets are available at Ticketmaster.com. Cyndi told Howard that she'll be doing her ''True Colors'' song with a violin after he asked about it. Fred played the version she did on his show years ago. Cyndi sounded blown away by her own performance while Fred was playing it. Howard asked her to stay quiet while they were playing it so he could enjoy it. After the song was over Howard kept singing and kind of ruined it. Robin asked him to stop. Howard had some notes about Cyndi so he read through that stuff and found that she was involved in a couple of bad car accidents when she was younger. Cyndi talked about them a little bit. Howard also read that she was abused as a kid. Cyndi asked Howard if this was the Oprah show or something this morning. She didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff on the air.

  Howard asked Cyndi about who's good out there these days. He asked her about Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson. Cyndi said that Britney had a great voice when she was younger and Jessica Simpson is able to turn on the singing when the cameras are on but not so when they're off. She said she can actually sing but she won't do it when she's off camera. Howard got back to the concert that Cyndi and Natalie Merchant are doing. Howard didn't know what songs Natalie has performed but the guys told him he'd recognize them if they played some of her stuff for him.

  Howard let Cyndi go after she revealed that she was in the nurses office at her kid's school and a kid had just come up asking for a first aid kit. After Cyndi got off the phone Robin said she wouldn't be surprised if Cyndi was the nurse at that school. Howard said he thinks that Cyndi has enough money that she wouldn't have to work in a job like that.

• Howard's E-mail. 05/23/05. 8:50am
  Howard brought up some of the stuff that went on during the show on Friday. They had Richard Christ sucking Benjy's toes and getting spit on by Sal the Stockbroker just so he could touch this Penthouse Pet that was in the studio. Howard said they sent Richard over to the Erotic Expo over the weekend and they'll be posting pictures on his web site later today.

  Howard read some e-mail after that. He got one from a guy who complained about Cabbie coming on the show too much and how he doesn't want him on anymore. Howard said that Cabbie will be gone for a year once he goes to jail this July. He likes Cabbie though and he doesn't want him gone. There were other e-mails about Jason Alexander and Debbie Schlussel who were on the show Friday. One writer complained about Debbie telling Jason the way to run his life.

  Howard read a bunch of e-mail about the story Robin read about a lion and a bunch of midgets getting killed in a fight that was set up in Cambodia somewhere. Howard said the story was fake according to the e-mails they got. Howard said he thinks that 42 midgets could have killed a lion. There were other e-mails about Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker's spitting thing on Friday. People were grossed out by that and they thought it was pretty gay. There were other e-mails about their upcoming guest Paul Anka. Someone wrote in and complained about Anka being a fraud because he came from Canada and just rewrote a couple of songs that became hits. Howard said he's having the guy on the show anyway.

  Howard was about to go to break when he saw that he had a caller on the line who said he saw a special about blowing up the moon on The Discovery Channel last night and it was pretty interesting. Richard Christy said that he saw the special and they said that Earth could not support life if the moon wasn't there. Richard suggested that maybe they could just blow off a big chunk of the moon and make the tides smaller than they are. The phone caller also asked Howard about Fran Drescher who was on the show a few weeks back. He said that Fran had mentioned some kind of pipe that she had and he couldn't remember what Fran called it. Howard said that it was probably the vaporizer and Jason came in and told him that's probably what the guy is thinking about.

  Howard said that there was a news report about Howard leaving a club with Beth and Pam Anderson the other night but that wasn't true. Howard left the club with Beth and Pam left about 15 minutes later. People just report stuff and the paper prints it without checking. The caller told a quick joke that Howard liked so he gave him $500 courtesy of GoldenPalace.net. That led to Artie talking about how he read an article in the NY Times yesterday about how no one is telling old jokes anymore. Howard liked the joke that the guy told even though the whole premise was really improbable. He had to take a break after that and said that he'd do the whole Erotic Expo thing tomorrow.

• Brian From E! Talks About His Big Fight. 05/23/05. 9:20am
  Howard came back from break and read a letter from a guy who asked him a hypothetical question about if the cops came into a restaurant and found coke in his daughter's purse, would he be man enough to tell the cops it was his coke. Howard said there's no way he would do that and if he was the one carrying coke, he'd tell the cops that it was hers. Artie said he could never do that either and give up his freedom. Howard said that this guy is sitting in prison somewhere coming up with questions like that.

  Howard talked about how Brian Phelan from E! was at a baseball game the other night and ended up getting into a fight. The game actually had to be stopped so they could break up the fight. Brian said that he got a call from a buddy who had some trouble in the bleachers above them so he went up to see what was going on. Will Murray was also there so he got in on the conversation. Brian said that there were some words thrown around by some people and then a beer got thrown. That's when the fight broke out. Brian claims that they beat the other guys and the whole game was stopped because of it. Will said he's never seen anything like it before. Will didn't get into the fight because the guys were a bit out of his league. Brian said the fight continued out in the parking lot after they were all kicked out of the game. Brian said it was a great day that day but it was also some fight. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw the fight and the guys were throwing punches like girls. Another guy said that the guys were fighting out in the parking lot in a family picnic area. Brian said he's not even sure what the fight was over, he was just called up to help out some friends.

  Howard asked Brian if he wanted to play a game to win some money while he was in there. He wasn't sure if he could give Brian a prize but Brian reminded him that he doesn't work for Infinity, he works for E!. Howard had a quick Wendy the Retard game to play. He had Gary set it up for him quickly and then played it. They have clips of Richard Christy asking Wendy the Retard to repeat after him. Brian had to guess if she could repeat it or not. Brian just had to guess at one to win $500. Richard asked Wendy to repeat ''Residential Neighborhood '' and she wasn't able to repeat it correctly. She screwed up both words. Howard had to take yet another break before having Robin start her news.

• And Finally... 05/23/05. 9:55am
  Howard had Robin start her news when they came out of commercial break. They spent a few minutes on the news before Gary came in to talk about something. Howard noticed that Gary had a deodorant spot on his shirt. He goofed on him about that for a few seconds and then they ended up talking about superstitions that they've heard about recently and in the past. Howard heard about one superstition about giving a knife as a gift at a wedding shower. He said that it's supposed to mean that the relationship is going to be severed or something. Gary's wife went to this wedding shower and gave a knife and she had to take a dollar from the bride to break the curse. They spent a few minutes on that and on the subject of the shower. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.

• A Fatal Mistake For ''A Current Affair.'' 05/24/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Jerky Boys prank call to acupuncture guy, Live performing ''Selling the Drama'' live at a Howard Stern birthday show.

  Howard started off the show complaining about being tired. He said he was all revved up yesterday after ''A Current Affair'' did a report about his girlfriend. They basically said that Howard was a creepy, ugly guy and had a bunch of people out on the street talking about how ugly he was. Howard said their publicist called Gary and asked him why Howard wasn't promoting it because it was such a nice piece. Howard says that now he's getting pictures of Rupert Murdoch and his wife and he's going to take out ads and terrorize him and his people. There's also this guy over at FOX who he thought was his friend that he's going to do the same thing to. He talked about why he thinks the show is failing and he thinks that it's the host's lack of personality. He asked Gary to get pictures of him and his wife and kids and he'll take a look at them and critique how they look. Gary came in and joked around with how the publicist was talking about how it was such a positive piece. Gary also said he's working on getting those pictures for Howard. Now Howard is going to do his piece on them and their loved ones over there. A few seconds later the guys brought in Rupert Murdoch and his wife. Howard told Gary to go out on the street and ask some people if they think that Rupert should be with his wife or if he's too ugly for her. He said they're going to call their piece ''The Geezer and the Sleezer'' like ''A Current Affair'' would do. He's just going to have some fun like they did over there. Howard said they'll see how everyone holds up after they do that. He was calling Rupert's wife ''Gold Digger Murdoch.'' Howard went off on the host of the show a little more and then talked about how ugly Rupert Murdoch is and how it must be like hopping on top of a dead man for his wife. Howard is going to have a piece ready in the next two days about these people and he'll have some of the stuff up on his web site.

• Phone Calls, Audio Clips And More. 05/24/05. 6:10am
  Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard about Tom Cruise and how weird he was on Oprah's show recently. Howard said that the guy was jumping up and down on a couch like he'd never met a girl before. Howard also said Oprah asked Tom how he met his girlfriend but he didn't want to say and was acting very odd about the whole thing. They spent a few minutes talking about Cruise and the girlfriend before Howard let the caller go.

  Howard watched Saturday Night Live from the other night and mentioned that Lindsay Lohan doesn't look very good anymore and someone has to step in and do an intervention. Howard said she's way too skinny and her body is like a 12 year old but her head is way too big. She's also gone blonde but the hair is all brittle according to Robin.

  Another phone caller told Howard that he goes off on people all the time and he can't seem to take it when someone bad mouths him. Howard said he admits he's ugly but if someone is going to do a report about him like ''A Current Affair'' did, then he's going to get them back. Now he's on a mission to get back at Rupert Murdoch and the host of his TV show ''A Current Affair'' and now he's even talking about finding pictures of the publicist who called them saying that it was going to be a positive piece. He said he hopes she's good looking. He's going to have a blast going off on all of them... just in good fun of course. Howard said they called the piece about him ''Beauty and the Beast'' and if they're going to do that, they should be prepared for him to do the same thing to them. He and his audience are going to critique their looks now.

  Howard said these people are still leaving messages from the IP Relay operator which is for deaf people to use. The latest message went something like ''Gary, just admit that your teeth are the size of Mount Everest and your breath could knock over a mongolian and sternfannetwork wants you to wear your birka.''

  Howard played some tape from the Daytime Emmy Awards where they cut off a woman as she was in the middle of her speech and just ushered her off the stage. Then there was this guy David Lago who did an impression of Christopher Walken and Howard liked the speech. He said it took balls to say the things he did while doing that impression.

  Howard read an article about a fight that happened at a Jay Z concert in the city. He thought that Jay Z was retired and wondered why he was doing a concert if he's retired. Artie said he thought that Jay Z had a protege and he's in the process of introducing him to his audience. Howard then read that Billy Idol is 50 years old which surprised everyone there. Howard played some ''Rebel Yell'' and talked about him for a short time. Howard had to take a break after that.

• Howard's Pig Publicist Of The Week. 05/24/05. 6:40am
  After the break the guys were listening to a voice mail message that Artie's mother left for him about the old hot dogs he had in his refrigerator. They spent a couple of minutes goofing around with that. Artie's mother had mentioned something about going to a German butcher to get more hot dogs so Howard talked about how his mother does that kind of stuff. She'll tell him about going to a special fruit stand to get her fruit and she can only do one trip a day because she gets so tired from doing it. Howard said he does about 9 million things a day and doesn't take credit for it. He did an impression of his mother and goofed on her for a couple of minutes. He talked about how she is constantly resting all the time and he's not sure what she's preparing for.

  Howard played the message that the people from ''A Current Affair'' left for them talking about how it was such a complimentary piece. The tag line for the piece was ''Beauty and the Beast'' and this woman was claiming that it was complimentary. She said there was a press release sent over to them and she thought there was some kind of misunderstanding. Gary came in and said that Jason had found a picture of who they think this publicist is. Howard said he's going to post her picture on his web site and critique her looks. Howard said ''Daniella's a pig, look at her on my web site'' as a goof on the ''A Current Affair'' piece. Howard said they'll start with her and work their way up from there. Howard said he's going to call this ''Pig Publicist of the Week.'' He said there better be some good looking people behind that piece because if they're going to critique his looks, he's going to do the same to them. Howard said Rupert Murdoch has a bunch of craters in his face and he likes how he just washes his hands of everything his company does. He said that the Rupert Murdoch thing will be the icing on the cake of this whole thing.

• Wendy The Retard Wants Howard's Baby. 05/24/05. 6:45am
  Wendy the Retard called in and told him how much she's in love with him. Wendy said she can't stop thinking about him and he's in her dreams all the time. Howard asked Wendy who she would pick out of him, Brad Pitt and Rupert Murdoch. Wendy said she'd pick Howard because he's the hottest guy in the world. She wants to have his baby too. She told him that she'd make him her special, delicious desert when he comes home from work and she'd be in a bikini when he comes home. Howard asked her if she'd drink his protein shake. She said she would do that and then she'd make him her delicious peach pie. Wendy said she just had a birthday recently and she's 25 years old now. She and her mother went out and partied together. Howard asked Wendy if she got into a fight at a Nelly concert recently. Wendy will go along with anything so she said that was her and she got into a fight with a black person at the concert. She said the person called her a slut and she got into a fight over that. She had a whole story made up about the fight even though it didn't actually take place. Howard got back to the discussion about what Wendy would do for him if he married her. She said she'd have a baby and name it Howard Stern Jr. She said they could keep it in a hamster cage too. Wendy told Howard that she would have sex about 40 times a day if she was with him. Howard had her rub the phone against her body and then had her give him some phone sex. Wendy told Howard to give it to her and said that he tastes like sugar. At one point she said she couldn't stop playing with herself which kind of came a surprise. Wendy changed her voice and told Howard she was wearing a bikini on her feet. Howard had to bail out shortly after that. Wendy asked Howard for some money for some printer ink as Howard was getting ready to hang up on her. He gave hear $500 prize courtesy of GoldenPalace.net. They played a Wendy the Retard song parody after that.

• Wipe Dry 3 Times Then Dab Wet... 05/24/05. 7:00am
  Howard played a Richard Simmons song parody where they took audio clips of him saying he likes milky sauce and put them to the tune of ''Macho Man.'' They also had a gay Darth Vader porn bit they put together. They had Darth's voice mixed in with a gay porn clip. Howard took another phone call from a guy who told Howard he has been able to tame his hemorrhoids using Howard's wiping technique. Howard told the caller that Richard Christy gave him some baby wipes for his birthday and he uses them when he wipes. They work very well because they're so soothing. The caller said that the Howard Stern wiping method is using 2 dry wipes and then using some wet down toilet paper. Howard said it's actually 3 dry wipes and then dabbing wet toilet paper. He said when he's done wiping, his floor is sopping wet. The caller suggested that Howard have his sink and toilet close together over at the new studio. Artie suggested getting a bidet in there so he can use that instead. Howard said he doesn't know how to use one and he had a friend who burned his balls using one. The caller told Howard a story about how he had some bad ''bat wings'' recently and wondered how he can fix that. Howard didn't have a cure for that because he heard that using gold bond down there can cause problems. Richard Christy came in and asked Howard about the direction he goes when he wipes. Richard said he goes back to front and that's taboo from what he hears. Howard said he wipes dry from back to front but dabs with the wet paper from front to back. The two of them talked about that for a short time. Richard told Howard that he wasn't the one who gave him the Huggies wipes that he was talking about. Howard said it must have been one of the E! guys or someone else. He said he's kind of embarrassed that he has them in his apartment because his housekeeper found them and refilled the container one time.

  Howard talked about how he farted last night and felt kind of uncomfortable after doing it. He said he had sex with her and wondered if he stunk the whole time. Then Beth walked out of the room and he farted a couple more times. She came back in the room and smelled them and wondered if it was him or the dog. Howard blamed it on the dog but she smelled turkey meat balls and knew it was his fart. Richard told Howard about how he used to find his father's underwear and it would have stains in them. He said they were dirty even after they were washed. They were pretty streaky and that taught him to be very thorough. Richard was also saying that he used to see his father on the toilet and he'd sit down while he was wiping. Richard said he has to stand up to get himself clean. Howard said he stands up when he's using the wet paper. Robin wondered why Richard was in the bathroom with his father. Richard said that they don't always lock doors in Kansas. Howard told Richard that he should bring his father on the show. Richard had some voice mail messages that Howard could play so he ran out and got a cart that Howard could play on the air. He came back in and played the clip where his father talked about the ''Deer Sticks'' that they were sending out to him. It was overnighted deer jerky according to Richard.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that baby wipes have a lot of chemicals in them. He suggested using Sphincterine which is his product. The guy said that they sell that stuff at Ricky's which is a place that Howard shops at. Howard said he knows the guys over there and he wouldn't ask for that stuff. The caller said that the chemicals in the baby wipes are no good for you. Howard said they should change the name of that stuff because it's not that pleasant. He had to take another break after that.

• Voice Mail, Jimmy Kimmel's Divorce Settlement And More. 05/24/05. 7:25am
  Howard came back from break and replayed Richard Christy's father's voice mail message about the ''deer sticks.'' Howard heard that one of the guys had one of those deer sticks and they got sick. Howard played some voice mail from ''Hate Man'' who went off on Howard about liking Gwen Stefani. Howard was talking about the movie ''Cinderella Man'' that he saw over the weekend and how great Renee Zellweger was. Hate Man had some words to say about that as well. He played the voice mail that the guy left about that. He went off on Howard about liking Renee and how he thinks she has ''chink eyes'' and probably ''stinks down there.'' He described her as having ''Roy Rogers squinty chink eyes.'' Howard didn't get that reference but Robin said that maybe Roy Rogers did have squinty eyes.

  Howard had an audio clip from a news report about Jimmy Kimmel's divorce settlement. They said that Jimmy's wife will get primary custody and Jimmy has to pay $12,000 a month in child support and $25,000 a month in spousal support. They said that those numbers could change if Jimmy's financial situation changes. Howard can't believe that anyone would need more than that to live on. Howard said that Jimmy is probably good for about 2 million a year with his ABC show and maybe another million from the other shows he's got going on. That got Howard pissed off because Jimmy is the one going out and making all of the money and the ex-wife is taking $37,000 a month from him. Howard knows that he has kids and he has to support them but the $12,000 alone would have been more than enough for the wife and kids. Howard said that the marriage contract is so sickening. He doesn't get that whole thing because even if you murder someone, you can get out of jail early sometimes. Robin said that's why killing your wife is easier for some. Jimmy has to keep working if he wants to keep paying those bills. Howard said the laws are insane when it comes to divorce. He said he understands Jimmy's wife trying to get all she can but that's a lot of money. Robin said that she thinks Jimmy and his wife probably had an agreement for the wife not to work. Howard said she doesn't know that and maybe Jimmy didn't agree to that.

  A listener called in and corrected Howard about the spousal support that Jimmy had to pay. He said that the ex-wife will have to pay taxes on that but not on the child support. Howard thought that she didn't have to pay taxes but he may have been wrong. Howard said ''Sorry Jimmy'' after they heard about all of that stuff.

• Syracuse Ratings Drop Makes Howard Happy. 05/24/05. 7:40am
  Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw the ratings from the Syracuse, New York area. He told Howard that the station that dropped him up there has gone from number 2 in the ratings to number 14. That led to Howard talking about how he's so glad that they've fallen because Farid from Citadel really screwed him over. He and Artie did their impressions of Farid and goofed on him for a minute. Howard said that once satellite takes over terrestrial radio, that will be the ultimate F-you to those companies that screwed him over. He said that SIRIUS has about 1.4 million subscribers and XM has about 4 million so they have over 5 million subscribers at this point. He thinks it may take 10 years or so before satellite really comes into it's own.

  Howard talked about how he saved Farid's ass one time after he accidentally sent him a million dollar check that they didn't owe to him. Howard never told Mel that Farid had that million dollar screw up. He could have told Mel and could have screwed Farid over... but he didn't. Then Farid moves to a new company and screws him over instead. Howard spent a few minutes talking about how Farid didn't have anything to do with the success of Infinity Broadcasting, that was all Mel Karmazin and from what Howard heard, Farid leaving the company was no great loss.

  A listener called in and told Howard about how his cousin is getting screwed over in his divorce settlement just like Jimmy Kimmel was. The guy said that his cousin only makes about $650 a week and now he's reduced to bringing home about $300 a week. The caller was getting Howard upset after he heard that the guy's wife was cheating on him and she's still getting the money.

  Howard was reading a menu from a new place that he's probably going to get his lunch from. He read a few things from the menu and asked Robin if she wanted to get something. She didn't sound interested in any of the stuff that was on the menu. Gary said that he had a turkey burger in a pita pouch that was really good. While Gary was standing there Fred was playing some of the Star Wars theme songs they have where they sing Baba Booey over them. Gary wondered what that music had to do with Howard's lunch. Artie told him that it's because he suggested the restaurant that they're playing the song parodies. That led to Fred playing the Darth Vader gay porn clip as well.

  Howard was going to take another break but he was still wondering what to order from this menu he had. There were a bunch of things that sounded good to him. They didn't open until 8am so they had to wait a few minutes. Artie picked what he wanted while Howard tried to figure out what he wanted. He was also reading the restaurant's policy about making fresh food for everyone. Gary came back in and told Howard about how they have a chart that shows how long it takes to make certain dishes. Fred played the ''Baker Street'' Baba Booey song parody as he was standing there. He also played the ''CHiPs'' theme song parody about Baba Booey as Howard was going to commercial.

• ''Most Boring Clip'' Of The Week. 05/24/05. 8:10am
  Howard came back from break and talked about his ''Most Boring Clip of the Week'' featuring Jay Leno and Ellen Degeneres. He said that the fans can go on his web site and vote in ''Vagina Corner'' for the most boring clip. The first one was Jay Leno rambling on and on about a cat while talking to Ellen Degeneres. Howard doesn't believe that the story Jay told was true at all and it was taking up tons of time. Howard then played a clip of Ellen Degeneres on her own show rambling on and on while talking to Britney Spears. Howard wondered how her show succeeds being as boring as it was. He said when Jay Leno tells a story it's also boring. He said he'll let the audience vote for the most boring clip. Howard and the guys talked about the clips for a short time. Howard goofed on Leno's fake story about his cat and said that there was nothing funny about the story. He wished that he could use the F-word and tell Leno that he's an F'ing liar about stuff like that.

  Howard said that he feels sorry for this woman Liz Winstead. She's filed a suit against the Air America show because she was apparently let go and not paid what she was owed. Howard said he knows how she feels because he's had stuff like that happen to him many times over the year. He said he's got that going on with Citadel right now. He had the same problem with Evergreen years ago and with DC 101 when he was working there many years ago. Howard said even his union didn't want to support him at first but they eventually came around and he got his money. These days you have to get a lawyer and sue the companies and sometimes it's not worth it. Howard said that it should be left up to a judge to decide if the contract is binding or not. He read from the article about Liz Winstead and said he hopes that she gets her money.

  Howard brought up Lindsay Lohan again and said that she seems to be screaming out for help and someone really needs to do something because she's way too skinny. He also talked about how bad Saturday Night Live is these days although there are a couple of funny chicks on the show. He said that Maya Rudolph, Amy Polar and Tina Fay are good. There are a couple of other people who are okay but the show isn't all that great. Howard also complained about Coldplay and how uncool the lead singer of the band seems to be.

• Joey G, Hot Chicks And More. 05/24/05. 8:25am
  The guys talked about the Mary Kay Letourneau wedding that happened over the weekend. That led to Howard talking about ConsumptionJunction.com and the great video they have on that site. He said that they have one video of a bus driver who ends up getting into a fight with a student who was giving him crap. The kids were way out of line and Howard felt bad for the bus driver. Howard played the audio and you could hear the kids going nuts and screaming at the bus driver. Howard said you can't really tell what's going on just hearing the audio. You have to see the video.

  Howard took a call from Joe G from ''The Sopranos.'' Joey said that the new season of the show starts in March 2006. He was also talking about how he got a SIRIUS radio already so he's ready for Howard to make his move. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Joey about the new season and then let him go. Howard said that Joey invited them to his wedding but none of them can go.

  Howard took a call from Ralph who said he could probably make it to that wedding. Ralph also said that he thought Lindsay Lohan looked good but Howard argued that she looked awful and way too skinny. That led to the guys talking about some other chicks. Ralph said that Jennifer Love Hewitt and Keira Knightley are looking good these days. Howard talked about how Jennifer Aniston isn't hot and how he's glad that Brad Pitt dumped her ass. Howard said he likes Ashley Olsen and not Mary Kate. He said Mary Kate is too thin for him. The guys also talked about Sarah Foster and how hot she looks.

• Erotic Expo Discussion. 05/24/05. 8:40am
  Howard brought up this Erotic Expo that Richard Christy went to last weekend. Gary came in and said that he saw some of the video from the event and both Benjy and Richard were kind of creepy in it. Richard came in and talked about some of the porn stars he met. He said that there were a lot of fun girls there. Doug Goodstein came in and said that the girls were willing to get naked pretty quick. Howard played some clips of the guys goofing around with Brittany Rears. Richard got to feel her up while he kissed her neck. Howard played another clip where Richard was interviewing Tera Patrick and Benjy was answering all of this questions. Richard said that Tera looked really annoyed by that. There was another clip where Benjy got into a sex contraption and screamed while it was going on. Benjy was screaming out like he was being killed in the thing. Richard had a porn star calling him names and hitting him. Another chick was hitting Richard in the head with her giant boobs. Richard was making some odd noises while that was going on. Benjy got to check a chick out for diseases in the bathroom. Gary said that Benjy convinced her that he was a doctor and he wanted to do a medical inspection on her. He picked her up and carried her over to the bathroom and did his ''inspection.'' Benjy asked her to spread her legs and then had her breathing deeply and moaning a bit. Then he did a smell test and told her that she smelled pretty good so far. She was completely naked according to Doug. He also said that the reason that chick didn't spread her legs right away was because she was afraid that Benjy was going to F-her.

  Howard played another clip where Benjy was getting slapped around by a bunch of chicks. Benjy also tried to give a woman an orgasm in 2 minutes. The guys said they couldn't get thrown out of that place no matter what they did. Doug said he actually wanted to be kicked out but it wasn't happening. The girls were way to willing to do anything they were asked to do. Tera Patrick asked Richard to pleasure himself in front of her to try out for a porn movie.

  Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard that the hottest chick is this girl who was on ''24'' last night. He didn't say what her name was but someone else said that it was a terrorist girl who is on the show. The guys were goofing on Vinnie since he called in on his cell phone while riding the bus into work. Howard had to go to break after that.

• Comedian Dave Attell Visits. 05/24/05. 9:05am
  After the break Howard gave the results of the poll they had on his web site. Coming out as the winner was Jay Leno as the most boring clip of the week. He had 59% of the vote. Howard also had some comments from people about the picture of Rupert Murdoch they had. Most of the people who commented on him had negative things to say about him. The women interviewed were giving him ratings of 1, 2 and 3 on a scale of 10. A few women said that Howard Stern was better looking than Rupert Murdoch. Howard said they'll be taking the picture of Daniella the publicist and asking people what farm animal she looks like. That's all thanks to the report ''A Current Affair'' did about Howard's looks.

  Comedian Dave Attell was there to hang out during Robin's news. Howard had the guys bring Dave in and said that he's much better looking than any FOX executive. Dave gave Artie a copy of his new DVD ''Hey, Your Mouth's Not Pregnant.'' Dave told Howard that he's on a tour for Comedy Central and he's traveling around in a tour bus. Howard asked Dave what's going on with Dave Chappelle but Attell doesn't know what's going on with him. Howard heard that Dave got some advice from Lauren Hill from the Fugees and that's why he ended up going down to South Africa. Dave said that he would probably just take a weekend off in Atlantic City to get over any pressure he might have. He said that Chappelle probably didn't want to let down his fans and that's why he's taking some time off. Howard said it's nice that the guy respects his fans enough to do that.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that today's show was probably the worst ever. He told Howard to take a sick day once in a while. Howard hung up on the guy and got back to the Dave Chappelle discussion. Howard read that Dave was back in Ohio and not in South Africa at this point. Howard asked Dave Attell what he was going to be watching on TV tonight, the American Idol finale or something else. Dave seemed kind of interested in the whole American Idol thing but he was probably just putting it on. Howard said that NBC put ''The Contender'' up against American Idol tonight so they'll probably have no viewers.

  Howard asked Dave if he's getting laid these days. Dave said that isn't happening much these days and some girls are kind of creeped out by the whole tour bus thing. Howard took another phone call from a woman who said that she heard that Jimmy was going to be playing Jay Leno in the Court TV reenactment of the Michael Jackson case. Howard thought it was a funny idea but Jimmy didn't want him to talk about it on the air. Then Jimmy goes and mentions it on his own show. Howard said that he doesn't think Jay will be all that upset about him playing the part like Jimmy thinks he will.

  Dave said that he comes out in favor of Michael Jackson when he does shows because the audience seems to like that. Howard said he thinks that a lot of people believe Michael is guilty of something but the trial hasn't proven anything so he will probably get off. Howard said he thinks that Michael will walk and he'll marry Jimmy Kimmel dressed as Jay Leno. Howard gave Dave a couple of plugs for stuff he has coming up. He's going to be at Town Hall in Manhattan this Thursday and then he'll be out in Vegas with Dane Cook at the House of Blues on July 4th. You can find more tour dates at either ComedyCentral.com or DaveAttell.com

  Howard took a call from Ralph who told Howard that he'll be able to watch both ''American Idol'' and ''The Contender'' because Idol is only an hour long and ''The Contender'' is 2 hours long. That led to the guys talking about Bo Bice and how awful he is. Then they revealed that Will from the office is a big Bo Bice fan and he's getting a t-shirt made up that says ''Bice Squad.'' Artie heard all of that and wondered what's going on there. He doesn't get that whole thing. Since they were on the subject of ''American Idol'' Howard played a voice mail that Eric the Midget left. He's said that he wants nothing to do with the show anymore but he still calls them. This was supposed to be his last call but he'll probably call back. Howard goofed on Eric for a minute and made fun of the way he sounds when he calls in because people driving in their cars probably can't understand a word he says. Howard said that Eric is like The Who because they keep saying they're having their ''farewell tour'' but they keep going out on more tours. Zolar called in doing his female voice and had some fun with Dave for a few seconds. Howard said he had to take a break after that but ended up talking about how they've been turning down a lot of guests lately. Howard was telling Dave that it's not all that easy to get on the show these days. Gary came in and said that they turn down guests every day... He mentioned that they turned down Bob Saget and Hall and Oates. He said that they also turned down Bill Romanowski and Elizabeth Berkley. Gary said that they also turned down Scott Weiland but he may have been mistaken about that. Howard said that Scott is a great interview. Gary said they turned it down because he was just going to call in instead of coming in the studio. Gary said that Burt Reynolds turned down the chance to come on the show. They do have Chris Rock and Juliette Lewis coming in soon though. George Lopez will also be coming on the show in the near future. George just got one of his wife's kidneys. Howard said he would never give someone one of his kidneys. Gary found that hard to believe. He figured that he'd give one to one of his kids if he had to. Howard said that won't happen. He needs his kidneys. Howard had to take another break a short time later.

• And Finally... 05/24/05. 9:50am
  Howard came back from break and read a couple of e-mails. He said he was corrected about who does the voice of Miss Piggy and Yoda... Frank Oz. Howard and Dave talked about the new Star Wars movie and how neither of them have seen it yet. Howard told Dave that they went to see a preview of ''Cinderella Man'' which was a great movie. He told Dave that he'll probably love that movie when he sees it. That led to Howard playing some Star Wars porn bits they put together using Darth Vader, Yoda and Chewbacca. Howard then had Robin start her news. Dave Attell hung around to comment on some of the news stories.

  A listener called in during the news and told Howard that the new Star Wars movie stunk and that Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' was better. The guy ended up asking for some prize money after that so Howard was kind of bummed by that and hung up on the guy. He took another call later in the news from a woman who wanted to know where Howard got to feed some rhinos when he was down in Florida. He told the woman that was his business and didn't say where exactly he was at. The other day he was talking about how he was behind this ''save the rhinos'' thing. He also claims that he has worked with lions as well but Robin figured he was full of it while he was talking about that. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.

Promoted By Aspen Lea 4/18/05

• ''American Idol'' And ''The Contender'' Discussed. 05/25/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Elvis Presley rambling about being strung out audio clip, Staind performing ''Outside'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about the weather in New York and how it's been raining and it's supposed to rain right into the weekend. He complained about how they get one weekend off and it's going to be crappy. The guys were also saying that it's pretty cold there as well. Gary and Howard talked about last night's ''American Idol'' and ''The Contender.'' Howard was able to watch both of the shows last night. Gary had some complaints about ''American Idol'' not being the usual show with the way they had the contestants singing last night. Howard complained about how weak the two final contestants are. He said that Bo Bice is awful and has no range. He doesn't have much styling according to Howard and he can't sit through any of his songs. He thinks that he's like a guy you'd see in a wedding band. The other contestant is like a country singer and she doesn't seem to need all that much talent if that's the direction she's going to go. Howard was also saying that Simon Cowell hasn't been all that honest this season and that's another problem with the show.

  Howard saw that there's a new show coming up where they're going to have bands that have fallen out of the limelight competing against each other. He thinks it's a good idea but Robin thought it would be a bit embarrassing for the bands. Howard got back to Bo Bice and said that he was working in a hardware store or something and that's where he should be. Howard was also surprised that no one has jumped up on stage during the live ''American Idol'' shows. The guys also spent a minute talking about Paula Abdul not being able to form a sentence when she's trying to talk to the contestants. Robin complained about the awful songs that the contestants were singing last night and wondered who's writing them.

  Howard watched ''The Contender'' last night and said that it was the greatest reality show that didn't get any attention. He said that the fights were really good last night and he enjoyed the whole season. He said that this guy ''Snake'' won last night. Robin hadn't seen the show so this was news to her but she didn't seem to mind that Howard spoiled it for her. The show was live and they were having some audio problems from what Howard and Gary said. Howard though it was like a cable show, not a network show. He said that may be where they need to bring the show to keep it going. Howard thinks that not that many people enjoy boxing these days so that must be why it didn't make it in the ratings. Artie also pointed out that Sam Simon hated the show for some reason. Howard doesn't know what his reasons are and he said he really doesn't care. He enjoyed the show. Howard took a call from a guy who complained about Howard bashing the chick on ''American Idol.'' That led to the guys talking about how Carrie would look really good if she lost a few pounds.

  Howard took another phone call from a woman who really enjoyed ''The Contender.'' She said she has been a fan of boxing for a long time and has been going to fights with her father since she was a little kid. Another guy asked Howard what he thought about Sylvester Stallone giving the belt to the winner. Howard said that he was a bit mumble mouthed and didn't seem to know what was going on. They were also talking about how Sugar Ray had some trouble reading his lines on the show. Another caller told Howard that the show wasn't all that great and there was another show on TV about the Ultimate Fighting Championship that was much better than this show was. The caller didn't think that Sylvester Stallone was all that good as a host. Howard said that's not why people didn't watch the show though. Howard took some other phone calls and ended up hitting the delay on a guy who must have asked about some competitors or something. After the delay hit Howard said that he's not talking about ''those guys'' because he hates them.

  Howard and the guys got back to ''The Contender'' discussions. Howard said he was invited to hang out in the audience of ''The Contender'' and it was interesting to see some of the people who were there. He said that Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake were there and so was James Caan. Gary didn't see any of them but Howard said they did keep showing Cameron quite a bit. Howard had to go to break after that.

• Creepy Burt Reynolds And Creepy Tom Cruise. 05/25/05. 6:40am
  After the break Howard had some tape of Burt Reynolds slapping a producer at the premiere of ''The Longest Yard.'' He said that Burt looks really odd these days with his face all pulled back and his hair looking so strange. Howard played the audio clip where Reynolds was being asked a question and you could hear Burt slap him across the face. Burt was pissed that the guy hadn't seen the original movie and asked him a question about the new one. Reynolds tried to cover up by making a joke about it but it wasn't funny. Howard and Robin talked about how they think that Sharon Stone has had some plastic surgery on her face because she's looking good these days. Howard read that she's like 47 years old and she hit big when she was pretty old.

  Howard talked about Tom Cruise and how odd he's been acting lately. His sister is apparently working as his publicist these days and that's not helping him out. Howard brought up his strange behavior on Oprah Winfrey's show the other day. He played some audio clips from that appearance. In one clip Tom was trying to figure out how he met his girlfriend but he didn't have a straight answer. Howard said the guy is the world's worst interview. Cruise was huffing and trying to come up with an answer instead of just saying how he met her. He eventually said he had admired her and gave her a call because he wanted to meet her. Robin thinks that means that it was a couple of publicists that put them together. The audience went nuts when they heard him talking about how sweet she was. Howard said that Oprah's audience is a bunch of dolts. Howard played a couple more clips from the show. Tom talked about possibly asking this woman to marry him and the audience went nuts again. Howard said that maybe the audience is insane because they were going nuts when Tom was talking about the marriage thing. Howard said if he was Tom's publicist, he'd tell him never to do another interview because he comes off as retarded. Howard had enough of that show after that.

• Michael Buffer - Movie Critic? 05/25/05. 6:55am
  Howard had Michael Buffer on the phone to talk about ''The Contender'' since he's not all that thrilled with the show. Howard said they really did need Buffer because the announcer they had on the show was pretty bad. Buffer first talked about seeing the new movie ''Cinderella Man'' and how great that movie was. Howard and Robin saw the movie and they both loved it as well. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how great the movie was and how good Renee Zellweger and Russell Crowe were in the movie. Buffer said he thinks that the movie could be hurt when it comes to getting an academy award because last years big winner was a boxing movie. Howard said that the movie might be one of the greatest movies he's ever seen. Buffer said it rates right up there with ''Raging Bull'' in his opinion. Howard liked that Buffer had become a movie critic somehow.

  Buffer said that he really didn't like ''The Contender'' because it didn't have anything to do with boxing in his opinion. He said that no one really caught your imagination and the fights were ''fight scenes'' in his opinion. Robin agreed that they didn't show the full fights so you couldn't really tell what the judges were seeing. Buffer said they tried to make the fights seem close even though they really weren't. Howard said that he just wants to be entertained and he doesn't care about that stuff. He just wants to see a beating even if they do manipulate it a little bit. Howard and Michael spent a couple of minutes talking about the show and whether or not it was good. Howard told Buffer that he has to move on with the show. Howard said that he gets what Michael is saying to him about the show and maybe that's why it failed in the ratings. Michael knew a lot about that show so Howard figured he must have watched a lot more than he was letting them know.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that Buffer must have watched every episode of the show from the amount of detail he had. Buffer said he watched the first three episodes and last night's final show. Howard thinks he watched every episode. He asked Michael who he was banging as he was wrapping up the call. Buffer just laughed. Howard said that he gets a lot of ''beav'' and ended up talking about this HBO special where they profiled him. That led to them talking about how Michael's father gave him away when he was a kid and how his brother was raised by their father. Howard asked Michael if he was raped in the foster home he was raised in. Buffer just laughed again. Buffer said he had great parents in that foster home. Howard said he had no idea that Buffer's parents gave him away. Buffer said that his parents gave him away when he was 11 months old. Howard wondered if he had gotten ''the teet'' from his mother. Buffer was also talking about how he was raised under the ''Huber'' name when he was a kid but he was never adopted by the foster family. He eventually went back to his real last name even though those people didn't raise him.

  Howard asked Michael about meeting his father. Buffer said he was actually very lucky to have been raised by the family that raised him. Howard wondered if Buffer went off on his father when he finally did meet him. Buffer said there was no reason to do that. Buffer changed subjects and brought up boxer Lamon Brewster and Sam Simon. Michael was wondering if Howard has had Sam back on the show since Lamon won his fight last weekend. Howard had to wrap up the call with Michael after that. He didn't talk about the Sam Simon thing. Howard went to break a short time later.

• Surprises For Upcoming Guests. 05/25/05. 7:30am
  After the break Howard listened to some of Alanis Morissette's ''Ironic'' performance that she did in the studio. Howard was impressed with how good it sounded that day. They were able to get the sound right that day for some reason. Howard said that she gives him chills like no ''American Idol'' can. He said a chick should be able to sing in a way that just makes you want to have sex with her.

  Howard said that they have Tim Robbins coming in later in the show. He's becoming a regular now according to Robin. Howard said Tim called him up at home and told him he was coming in so he said ''okay.'' Tomorrow Juliette Lewis will be coming in. Howard thinks that she's got to be pretty wild sexually. The guys talked about some of Juliette's roles and brought up the movie where she played a retard. Howard said he's going to do a scene with Juliette where he's playing a retard to show off his talent. He played some audio clips of Juliette playing a retard and had some fun with that. They had a couple of song parodies made up with clips of her screaming when she was playing the retard. Howard played them and said that she's really good. He's hoping that she's not going to wear jeans when she comes in. He's hoping she's just wearing panties. He said he's going to prove that he's better than Giovanni Ribisi playing a retard.

  Howard had a clip of Aurora Snow gagging in one of her porn movies that they mixed with Darth Vader to make it sound like she had the mask on. They did the same thing with Taylor Rain. After that Howard had some voice changing stuff on his microphone so he had Artie doing some Darth Vader-like lines for him. They did that for a short time and Howard played some more of the Juliette Lewis song parody. Chris Rock is also coming in tomorrow. Howard said that he's going to act severely retarded when Juliette comes in. Robin said she can't wait to see her face when she sees that. Howard figures she won't even show up.

  Howard had some other stuff to get to. He read a story about how Motley Crue is going to sue NBC for banning them after they let an F-bomb fly on The Tonight Show. Howard said he thinks that it was a legitimate thing for NBC to do but now the band had filed a lawsuit against them saying that they hurt their record sales. Howard said that if you're going to scream the F-word, you can't be trusted to be on TV.

  Howard had another story about Tom Cruise bad mouthing Brooke Shields. He read the article that says that Tom said that Brooke's career is over and she's a bit misguided. Howard read that Tom was upset after reading that Brooke had taken Paxil to overcome depression after her first child was born. Howard said he hopes that Tom's new movie ''War of the Worlds'' tanks. He knows it won't but he's hoping it does.

  Howard had a script for the retarded bit he wants to do with Juliette tomorrow. He had Robin reading her part but she sounded more like she was Italian than retarded. Robin tried to do her part but Howard told her that he was firing her. He tried to work with Robin but her retarded character wasn't as good as his. Artie said it sounded like Joe Cocker talking to Pinkie Tuscadero. Howard said he's looking forward to working with Juliette tomorrow. He had to take another break shortly after that.

• Various Stuff. 05/25/05. 8:05am
  Howard came back from break and listened to some Neil Young ''Keep on Rockin in the Free World.'' He and Robin talked about him for a minute. That led to them talking about Bo Bice from ''American Idol'' and how Will is a big fan of his. Howard told Will that Bo Bice is horrible but Will thinks that the guy is good, he just didn't have a good night last night. The two of them went back and forth arguing about whether or not Bo Bice is good or not. Robin said she's getting very concerned about Will now. Howard told him he has no taste and kicked him out of the studio. He told him to go put on a dress and some heels.

  Howard took a call from a guy who had a question for Howard about a friend of his whose girlfriend bought some toys to use during sex and one of them was a strap on for her to use on him. Howard told the guy that his ''friend'' is gay if he likes that stuff. Howard figured that the guy was talking about himself but the guy says that it really is a friend. Howard said that taking a replica of the real thing in there is definitely gay. The caller also said that the guy made a mold of his own unit and he was going to use it to f-himself. Howard said that he's even more gay than he thought he was if that's the case.

  Howard got off the phone with that guy and brought up Adam Duritz who he felt bad for. Some guy in jail claims that he ran an escort service and he claims that Adam used to hire hookers from him. Howard wondered why we're taking the word of a prisoner as being true. The guys at Page Six have been bashing Adam lately for some reason. There was a news report that Howard played where they talked about the story. Howard said that Adam's excuse about dating hot chicks like Courtney Cox doesn't really help his case. He pointed out that Hugh Grant was getting hookers even when he was dating Elizabeth Hurley. Howard pointed out that Page Six once reported that he had given a car to a stripper. That story was false so this story about Adam could be false as well. They never printed a retraction about that story though.

• FHM Editor Talks About Beth. 05/25/05. 8:15am
  Howard had some audio from G4 TV where a host from ''Attack of the Show'' interviewed an editor from FHM magazine about Beth O's layout. The editor was talking about how Beth's magazine outsells a lot of hot models out there. The editor was also talking about his techniques on interviewing Beth O for the magazine. Howard thought they made her kind of sound like a dope the way they were talking about her. Howard said that she's treated them pretty well over there so the editor was being kind of dicky on that show. Howard said he wishes that Beth didn't do any of that stuff. He's really uncomfortable with it all. He's not looking to discuss his relationship like Tom Cruise was doing on Oprah's show.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who didn't realize he was on the air. He was talking to a friend or something off the air so Howard had to interrupt his conversation for a few seconds. Howard hung up on him after he talked about seeing the RoboSpanker on Playboy TV or something like that. Howard went on to play tape of Jeff Gordon trying to sing ''Take me Out to the Ball Game.'' The guy didn't even know the lyrics so the crowd was booing him.

• Howard's Mail. 05/25/05. 8:25am
  Howard had a bunch of e-mail to read after that. He got a few about Eric the Midget. Some people don't want him on the show anymore because he's so painful to listen to. Howard ended up playing a message Eric left yesterday after Howard played his message about how he wasn't going to call the show anymore. Eric straightened them out and said that he hasn't called them in about 2 weeks and that call that Howard played was old but they were making it sound like he was calling constantly. Eric went on and on about Howard being a scum bag and having a nose bigger than his privates and his brain combined. Howard said he has to continue to play those messages. He did his impression of Eric calling in and used his megaphone to make it sound like he was on the phone. Howard pointed out that's what happens when you have a lot of spare time. He's not going to stop playing his calls because he enjoys them too much.

  Howard read an e-mail from a guy who asked why Howard never talks about the good things going on over in Iraq. The writer pointed out that they put in a tennis court over there. Howard said that people are pretending that there's no war going on over there even though there is one. He said that they should really just put Saddam Hussein back in power over there because he's the only one who seems to have been able to control those people. He said he does support the troops but he doesn't see how they're going to end the war over there.

  Howard read some mail about Benjy and Richard going to the Erotic Expo recently. There was also an e-mail from a guy who corrected Robin about her thoughts on the differences between a college and a university. Robin said that a college deals with one discipline while a university deals with many. The writer said that a college is an undergraduate program only while the university offers more. Robin stuck with her story though. Howard had to take another break because Tim Robbins was there.

• Actor Tim Robbins Visits. 05/25/05. 8:50am
  After the break Howard had the guys bring Tim Robbins in. Howard was talking about how Tim is one of those guys who calls him off the air once in a while. He mentioned that Tim has won a bunch of awards and he thanked him for calling him off the air and making him feel like he's in the in crowd. Howard asked Tim if his wife Susan Sarandon dislikes the show as much as he thinks she does. Tim said that Howard would be surprised and she seems to get it. Howard talked about the A-list friends that Tim has. He mentioned Julia Roberts, Bruce Springsteen and a few others. Tim said there are some good people in there but he doesn't go on vacation with them like Howard thinks he does. Howard wondered how he can get on that list and go on vacation with them. Tim told Howard that he just has to get arrested to get into that group. Howard was bragging that he was trying to save the rhinos and he wanted Tim to spread the word.

  Howard asked Tim if he's set for life and if he can afford not to work. Tim said he has a family to support so he can't stop working. Howard figures his quote is about $5 million but Tim said that might be a little bit high. Howard told Artie to put him in his movie because he doesn't sound all that expensive. Artie said that the quote was twice their budget for the movie though.

  Howard said that Tim just did ''War of the Worlds'' with Tom Cruise so he brought up Tom's odd behavior on Oprah's show. Howard had played clips from that appearance earlier in the show so he talked to Tim about that. Tim said that Tom is a great guy and he's very generous. Howard told Tim that Artie was in ''Jerry Maguire'' and Tom wasn't too cool to him. He actually yelled at Artie because he didn't come in with his line fast enough.

  Howard asked Tim if he and Susan swing at all. Tim laughed and said ''No'' a few times as Howard kept digging. Howard got back to Tim's friends again and asked him about Sean Penn's wife Robin Wright-Penn. Tim had nothing but nice things to say about them though. Howard told Tim that Sean Penn once compared him to Osama Bin Laden so Tim was going to have to choose between him and Sean. He was just kidding though.

  Howard brought up this movie that Tim has directed called ''Embedded/Live.'' The movie is based on a play that he did. Tim told Howard that Netflix.com is distributing it and he's selling the movie on his own web site, EmbeddedLive.com. Tim said that there is some material in the movie that could make some distributors shy away from it. Robin said the play was very good and she'd recommend the movie based on that.

  Howard read that Tim had apologized to the Bush administration for some comments he'd made about them but Tim said that wasn't true. It's this guy Lloyd Grove who just writes whatever he wants. Howard said he's had a run in with this guy Lloyd Grove himself and he thinks he's a dick face. Tim said that the guy wrote some stuff about his family and he wasn't too happy about that. Tim said he crossed the line when he wrote about his kids. That led to Howard talking to Tim about his kids for a short time. Tim said that some of his kids are interested in acting.

  Howard went over some of the movies that Tim has been in. They went through some of those and talked about Tim's Academy Award wins. Howard gave Tim another couple of plugs for his movie. Before Tim left he asked to do the Darth Vader voice that Howard had done earlier in the show. Howard turned on his voice modulator and let Tim try out his Vader impression. He took a couple of phone calls after that. One guy said that he was an extra on ''War of the Worlds'' and Tom Cruise really is a wacky guy. The caller said that Tom ran over to help a woman who fell down on the set and he was acting like an action star or something. Tim said it's not so crazy for a guy to run over to help a woman out. Howard wrapped up the interview after that.

• Relentless Beth Bashers. 05/25/05. 9:35am
  Howard came back from break and took a phone call from a guy who said he thought Beth looked pretty good in FHM but then called her a dog. Howard said he feels bad for Beth when people do stuff like that. He wishes that she wasn't out in public. He realizes that they comment on women's looks on the show so they have to be able to take that kind of call. Another phone caller told Howard that he saw Star Jones singing a Whitney Houston song on some TV show. Howard said he knew what the guy was talking about. Star was trying to prove that you can go into a studio and they can make just about anyone sound good. Howard figured that Star was trying to show that she can kind of sing. He had some audio of that bit so he played it and called her ''big, fat Star Jones.''

  Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked why Fred doesn't do his Herman Munster impression when Beth comes on the show. Howard said it must be ''beat up on Howard day'' or something. He invited everyone to go ahead and call in to goof on him if they wanted. He said that he must be a sucker for an ugly face and joked around with that for a short time.

  Jimmy Kimmel played the part of Jay Leno on the CourtTV reenactment of the Michael Jackson case. Howard played a little bit of that and said it was kind of boring. He said that Jimmy did put on a big chin though and that was kind of funny. Howard said that Jimmy actually went in and read for the part. His impression was kind of funny.

  A few more phone callers got through and goofed on Beth's looks. Howard said he really doesn't care what people think about her because he's into her. That's all that matters. The callers were relentless. One caller asked why Gary's wife isn't making posters like Beth is because she's got the hottest voice. Howard said he'd buy one if Mary put out a poster. Gary didn't sound interested in having her do that though.

  Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. She hadn't had much of a chance to get started before then. She only got through one or two stories before Howard had to take another commercial break.

• And Finally... 05/25/05. 10:15am
  After the commercial break Howard took a call from a guy who said that they really should come up with a calendar with all of the wives from the show in it. Howard said he was talking to the guys during the break about doing something like that. Sal came in and asked Howard if he thinks that Gary's wife is really hot. Howard said it's not even about that, it's about getting the wives into the calendar. Gary came in over his intercom and told Sal not to go there or he'd smack him around. Howard kicked Sal out of the studio and talked about this calendar and how they could make millions. Howard said that even he'd buy one.

  Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard that he had the pleasure of meeting Beth O three times and she has passed the ''Jeff test.'' Howard told him that he doesn't need people calling in to defend her but he did thank him for calling anyway. Another caller asked Howard why he didn't bring up ''Team America'' when Tim Robbins was in because he was in it. Howard didn't know he was in it and he hasn't seen that movie. He didn't have any reason to bring up that movie anyway. Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 10:45am

• Preparing For Juliette Lewis. 05/26/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Sal and Richard goof on a phone caller with an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator, Goo Goo Dolls performing ''Slide'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show mentioning that they had Chris Rock and Juliette Lewis stopping by this morning. He spent a minute talking about Juliette and how she's saying that she's burned out on acting so now she's into music. He played some of her band's stuff and said that he might have to smack her around a little bit after listening to a few seconds of it. Gary said that he liked that song that Howard played. Howard mentioned that he hadn't watched Tim Robbins' DVD yet and it might be best that he hasn't. That way he won't bad mouth any guests if their stuff isn't any good. He said he's be honest with them if he didn't like their stuff. Howard hasn't seen Chris Rock in ''The Longest Yard'' yet but he did like the original version of the movie.

  Howard said he heard a rumor that Juliette Lewis and Adam Sandler once did it in a bathroom at a comedy club so he'll ask her about that today. He said she claims that the only famous guy she's done is Brad Pitt who he dated for a couple of years. He's going to be asking her about that this morning.

• Artie Calls In Sick. 05/26/05. 6:10am
  Artie wasn't in this morning so Howard had a voice mail message from him. Artie hasn't been able to stop throwing up and crapping. He knew that they were going to play it on the show today but he cursed anyway so it had to be bleeped. Artie is going to the doctor today and he said he'll be in tomorrow no matter what. Howard wondered why he's going to the doctor for something like that because it's probably just from drinking heavily. He said he likes Artie's fake cough. He played an old voice mail where Artie called in sick and coughed in a way that sounded kind of fake. Artie apologized in both of the calls because he wasn't able to make it in. They were getting a nice collection of voice mail messages from Artie. They took those coughing calls and mixed in some gagging porn clips with his coughs. They also had a song parody using the older call and an AC/DC call. The guys also made a prank call using those clips of Artie calling in sick to a store. The guy who answered the phone told ''Artie'' that he doesn't know of anyone by that name. Howard said that they should call that guy back again and use the new message from Artie. Howard wanted to try it out and see if it would work. He played this morning's message once again and pretended to make the call. He figures it will work out just fine.

• Howard's Long Day. 05/26/05. 6:15am
  Howard wasn't feeling all that great this morning either. He said he just had a long day yesterday. He went out to Long Island to visit the kids and then came home and went to a fund raiser for the Humane Society with Beth. He talked about that for a short time. Lorraine Bracco from ''The Sopranos'' was there so he asked her about what's taking the show so long to come back. She told him that they just started shooting the show. Howard spoke to a few other people and ran into Kreskin there. He said he refused to shake Kreskin's hand because he shakes it too hard. He recognized a bunch of other people there but didn't know all of their names. He talked about how he had to get in front of the cameras there even though he hates having his picture taken because he knows he's not good looking.

  Howard mentioned that there were articles about his move to satellite and how there will be fewer commercials during Howard's show when he moves there. Howard said he'd rather play music or something when he wants to take a break. Howard got back to the fund raiser and said that a woman asked him to be part of a show they were doing called ''What is Puppy Love'' but he asked not to be part of that. Then he was asked to hold a dog named Lucky to have his picture taken. He refused to do that as well. He said it just seemed like a dumb thing to do. Howard's friend Ross came with him and he ended up coming out on stage with Bianca (Howard's dog) dressed in a dress. The fund raiser was a fashion show so that's why they were dressed in a dress.

  Howard said that he has been letting his dog sleep in the bed with them now. He said he broke down and said that the dog never even whined to come to bed with them but they broke down anyway. Howard said he almost forgot that the season finale of ''Lost'' was on last night so he had to rush home to see it. Robin told him that the show was great but Gary and Will were saying that it wasn't all that great. Gary came in and told Howard that they brought up new stuff and didn't answer all of the questions they were wondering about. Gary said he heard that they were going to reveal answers to a lot of questions about what's going on with the show and they didn't do that. Howard said he will watch the show tonight and he'll settle the argument. He said he's clearly the only person who knows the right answer. He's going to tell them what they really should have thought about the show. Gary said he'll be waiting to find out how he really felt.

  Howard did watch ''American Idol'' last night so he talked about what a piece of crap that show was. He said they really blew it and did dumb parodies about what went on the show. Howard said that Carrie Underwood won and he had predicted that. He said he'd like to be wrong sometimes but that doesn't happen. The guys spent a few minutes talking about how bad Bo Bice was on that show. Will came in to defend the guy since he's a fan of Bo's. Howard told Will that Carrie is an awful singer as well. He said that the two finalists were both mediocre talents and that's why this season of the show sucked. Howard told Will that if they took a singer like Pat Monahan and had him sing the song that Bo Bice sang, he could make it good... because he's a singer. Will doesn't think anyone could save that song. Howard kicked Will out of the studio so Will said ''Bo is awesome!'' as he was leaving. Howard and Gary talked about how much time they wasted on that show last night and how awful some of the singers were. Howard said there was one chick on there, who was singing an Aerosmith song, that was so fat in her belly shirt that he had to turn off his TV. He said he couldn't sit through that.

  A caller asked Howard what happens when Fred calls in sick to the show. Howard said that Fred never calls in sick and he comes in every day no matter what. That led to Howard saying that Fred is starting to look like one of the guys in Hall & Oates and Gary looks like the other guy. They talked about those two because they were hanging out on ''American Idol'' this season. Gary said there were some other desperate people there at the show. He mentioned that he saw Marg Helgenberger and Kirstie Alley on the red carpet outside the show. Howard had to take a break a short time later.

• Various Stuff. 05/26/05. 6:50am
  After the break Howard was singing along to ''Vehicle'' and goofing on Bo Bice from ''American Idol.'' Howard thinks his performance was just as good, or bad, as Bo Bice's was. Will came in and told Howard that he'd just embarrassed himself. Howard added ''...just like Bo did.'' Howard then had Will try to sing along to the song but Will knows that he doesn't have any singing talent. He sang a little bit and Robin told him he was just as good as Bo was. Howard admitted that he was horrible but he said that Bo and Carrie were too.

  Howard took a couple of phone calls. One guy said that Artie's voice mails were really funny earlier in the morning. This guy David, who calls Howard Pinocchio, called in and asked Howard to stop singing. Howard sang some more while David made some vomiting sounds. Howard hung up on him and took another call. That caller told Howard he was happy that Howard was doing what he was doing with the FCC. He's glad that he's moving to satellite. The caller was also saying that he likes Artie much more than he ever liked Jackie the Joke Man. Howard thanked him for the nice call and moved on.

• Daytime Emmy Winner David Lago Calls In. 05/26/05. 6:55am
  Howard played a clip from the Daytime Emmys the other day where this actor David Lago did a Christopher Walken impression as he was accepting his award. He replayed the clip and said that the women on ''The View'' came down on him for what he did. David was also on the phone to talk to Howard about it. David told Howard that he doesn't work on that soap anymore because he was fired last year. He said he got the nomination anyway and figured the acceptance speech would be funny. Howard said that the Hollywood types out there take that stuff so seriously that they got upset with him. David said he thought they were in the entertainment business so this should have been a fun thing. The women on The View ruined that by goofing on him saying that he must have been drunk or on drugs to have made a speech like that. David told Howard that he's now in a band called Pannasaya and he's going to be trying to make that work.

  Howard asked David how he was able to remember all of those lines they had to do on the soaps. David said it's just a matter of reading the stuff over and over again until you remember it. Howard read that David has admitted that he gets aroused when doing love scenes. Howard said he had that problem when he shot his movie. He told David that he's pretty sure he's actually finished from being so aroused. Howard talked about how director Betty Thomas didn't want him to be aroused in the scenes he was shooting but he couldn't help it. David said he's been in bed after a love scene just waiting for his arousal to go down before he can move. Howard likes that he's being honest about that. He also liked the speech he made at the Daytime Grammys.

  Howard said he got a picture of a girl that David was engaged to at some point. He said she was really hot. Her name was Alexis Thorpe. David told Howard that he was engaged to her for 2 and a half years but things just didn't work out. He said it was a mutual thing and they agreed that they should call off the engagement. Howard said that the girl was really hot and showed the picture to Robin. David thanked Howard for being so cool about that speech. Howard asked David if he could talk to Christopher Walken. David called ''Chris'' and went into his impression. Howard asked him what he thinks of the girls on ''The View'' but David took it easy on them and didn't go off on them like he could have. Howard let David go a short time later. He liked that the guy had some fun with that speech because award shows are so boring most of the time.

• Long Time Fan Sea Calls In. 05/26/05. 7:05am
  Howard took a call from a woman who said she wants to come down to meet them before they move to SIRIUS. The woman said she wants to shave her head on the air for a prize. Howard said if she didn't want to do it, he might have her down. He knows that she wants it so he's not going to give it to her. He told her that she can come over to the new place and get banged by 5 guys if she wants. She sounded like she might be into that. Howard let her go and took another call from Sea. Sea told Howard how funny last night's E! show was with Sal and Richard getting hypnotized. Sea was trying to tell Howard that the chat room that they used to have for the Private Parts movie has moved on (CYAO.com) and they're giving away a SIRIUS radio as a prize. She wouldn't say the name of the site so Howard had no idea what she was talking about. Sea also asked Howard if ''Son of the Beach'' will ever come back. Howard said that won't happen. He tried to move it to another network and no one wanted it. He said he tried to bring it to Spike TV but that didn't work so they asked him if he had anything else. That led to him offering them the ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon. Howard told Sea that they're still in development (years later) with the cartoon and they have 10 episodes written so far.

  Sea also told Howard that she hopes that Howard will keep his E! show on because she likes to see what goes on in the studio. Howard said he'll have some announcements coming up soon but it's not the right time to talk about it. Howard said their contract with E! is up in about 3 weeks and he knows that some of the guys there need to know a definitive answer. Sea finally got out a plug for her web site CYAO.com and said that they're giving away a SIRIUS radio over there. They've had this chat room open for the past 7 years or so and it's still going strong. Howard compared that site to some of the people up in Woodstock who have stuck around there since the big get together back in the 60's. He said that he was up there a few years ago and he just wanted to get out of there when he saw that people were still dressed in the original Woodstock garb. He said he just wasn't into it. Howard let Sea go after that and took another commercial break.

• Comedian Chris Rock Visits. 05/26/05. 7:30am
  Howard came back from break and listened to a Wallflowers song that was performed on his show. He said he's been spending some time over at the new place lately and they have a great recoding studio over there and they're able to do some great recordings. He had one of the Alman Brothers doing a performance over there and it was very clean. Howard said he really liked the song that he was playing. Howard said he might have to invite some groups there to perform. They even have 25 seats there for fans to sit in and watch.

  Howard said that Chris Rock was there so he had the guys bring him in. Chris is in a couple of movies including ''The Longest Yard'' and ''Madagascar.'' Chris came in a few seconds later so Howard was asking Chris if he's keeping his daughter ''off the pole.'' Chris told Howard that his daughters could still end up on the pole. Howard said that his oldest daughter has a problem with that kind of stuff and she would never end up there. The two of them talked about their kids for a couple of minutes. Chris said he has 2 kids, a 1 year old and a 3 year old. Both of them are girls. Chris said both of them are with his wife so that's ''so white'' of him to do.

  Howard asked Chris if it was true that Infinity asked him to take over mornings for him when he leaves. Chris said he's not going to do that. He said he does get offers like that but he's not going to get up that early to work every day. Howard told Chris that Juliette Lewis was going to be coming in and he was going to be playing a retard and acting with her. Chris said he likes Juliette. He talked about some of the movies she's been in that he liked.

  Howard asked Chris if he was right about telling him not to do the Academy Awards. Chris said it was a lot of work for so little reward. He claims that he is getting more work around the world now so it was worth hosting the show. Howard asked Chris if Sean Penn is really an a-hole like he seemed on the award show. Chris said he had dinner with Sean and he was fine after that. Howard asked him more about the Academy Awards and Chris is claiming that he's getting better movie offers and stuff and he's glad he hosted it. Howard asked Chris about ''The Longest Yard'' and what it was like working with Adam Sandler. Gary came in and talked about the movie and how Adam is playing the part of a tough guy and he just isn't one. Chris said he wasn't going to be doing any Sandler bashing on the show today. He said he thinks this is the best Sandler movie ever. Howard told Chris that he's fooled him before by saying that stuff with other movies. Chris told Howard he thinks that the movie is going to make $50 million in it's first weekend. Howard told him he'll go see the movie if he says it's good. Chris said that the movie is good and he's seen it about 4 times.

  Howard brought up the other movie that Chris is doing a voice in, ''Madagascar.'' chris said that he made scale for doing the voices for the movie but he will make money when the movie makes money. He said that he worked for 15 days on that movie. He's hoping that the movie does well because then they'll need him for a sequel and he'll make the big money then. Chris said he is willing to work for Scale if there is a chance to make some big money. Gary came in and told Howard that the movie will be huge. Howard wondered why they need big name voices like that for a cartoon. Gary told Howard he'd like to go see a kids movie with his kids that has voices he knows. He thinks that if Chris is in it, he'll be funny. Howard doesn't know why he's not being asked to do voices for movies like that.

  Howard asked Chris about what's going on with Dave Chappelle. Chris told Howard that he doesn't know every black comedian... but he does know Dave. Chris said he doesn't know what's going on with Dave right now because he was just talking about going on tour with him a few months ago. He said he loves Dave. Howard likes Dave as well. They spent a minute on him before moving on to other stuff. Howard wondered if Chris has a new movie philosophy. Chris said that he wants to be in only good movies from now on and he's willing to be number four instead of number one as long as the movie is good. He's also hoping that he'll be too busy next year to host the Academy Awards. He said they've been talking about getting Ellen Degeneres to host it. He said that she's funny to him and Howard kept saying ''What?'' when he said that. It seems like Chris doesn't dislike anyone in show business. Howard got back to Dave Chappelle and talked about how it seems like he just caved into the pressure from his Comedy Central show.

  Howard asked Chris about Saturday Night Live and what he thinks about it these days. Chris said he hasn't watched it in a long time and he can't comment on whether or not it's good. Chris said he doesn't think that he'll ever go back to that show, he's already done it. Howard wished Chris luck with his two movies because they're both coming out this weekend. He also mentioned that Chris' publicist wanted him to come in around 8:30 this morning but they had to tell him to come in earlier. Howard told Chris that he has to get up and promote this stuff early. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Chris about his house in New Jersey and what he's got going on out there. Chris said he has a black housekeeper so Howard asked him if he makes her wear a uniform. Chris said he doesn't but he knows some people who do. Chris told Howard that he sits at home and watches a lot of porn while he's sitting home in his basement. Chris didn't want to get into all of the details so Howard talked about how many porn movies he was watching when he was still married.

  Chris said that Howard always gives him his number when he comes in and he thinks that his wife finds it and throws it away. Howard said he once hung out with Chris but things were kind of uncomfortable. Howard said he really doesn't hang out with anyone but his girlfriend and his kids. Howard asked Chris what he really does all day. Chris said he does stay home while his wife goes out on her own. Howard said that's what happened to his marriage so it's just a matter of time before Chris' wife wakes up and they get divorced. Chris asked Howard about his ex-wife and her new husband. Howard told Chris that the guy is a nice guy and he likes him a lot. Howard said he knows the guy and he's really nice.

  King of All Blacks called in to talk to Chris. He said that he's not a fan of his movies but this new one is good. He went to see ''The Longest Yard'' last night and said it was great. Howard wondered how a street sweeper gets to see an advance preview of a movie. That led to King talking about his Infiniti QX56 and his Moen and Kohler faucets. He said that he doesn't have any DVD players in his car but he does have 22 inch wheels on it. King also claims that he's like the only black guy in his neighborhood and if a black guy walks down the street the cops will show up... because King will be the one calling them. King said that he asks his black friends to come to his back door when they come over to his house. King told Howard that he has to see Chris' house. He knows the area where Chris lives but he wouldn't say on the air where he lives. Chris said there are people who know where he lives and they do drive by the house. King asked Chris why he has to do all of the talking when he and Adam Sandler do interviews about the movie. Chris didn't have anything to say about that so Howard let King go.

  Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that Chris' TV show ''Everyone Hates Chris'' is the thing that's going to make Chris the big money. Vinnie said it's not a CBS show but he still likes it. It's a WB show. Howard said that Vinnie has lost all credibility since he said some stuff about Jenny McCarthy on the show recently so he hung up on him. Howard asked Chris for his top 3 hot chicks. Chris said he'd have to pick Rosario Dawson, Lucy Liu and Jessica Alba. Chris told Howard and Robin that his wife really doesn't like the two of them for some reason. Another caller told Howard that Chris' cartoon is like a rip off of ''Howard Stern the High School Years.'' He said that Chris is the only black kid in a white neighborhood and Howard is the only white kid in a black neighborhood. Howard didn't seem to be too worried about that though. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Chris not to do the Oscars again. She thought that it wasn't good for him. She screeched at him for a few seconds before Howard hung up on her.

  Howard talked to Chris about his move to satellite and how much freedom he'll have over there. He compared his job on radio to Chris having to do his act on NBC instead of on HBO. Chris said that he would be nowhere if he didn't have HBO. Ralph called in after that and complained about the remake of ''The Longest Yard.'' He doesn't think it's going to be that good but he hasn't seen the whole movie yet. Chris told him that he has to see the whole movie before commenting on it. He told everyone that they can call in on Monday to comment on it. Chris talked to Howard about how he's been arrested before. He said that being arrested is actually tougher than being in jail. He talked about the strip search and how they search every bit of your body. That led to Howard talking to Chris about being circumcised. Chris said that he is circumcised which surprised Howard. He said that a lot of people who grow up poor don't have that done. Chris told Howard about his first arrest and how he ran over a guy who he was just going to beat up. Chris said he ran him over and then tried to back over him. The guy had robbed him and that's why he wanted to get some revenge. Chris said he also hit a guy with a bat at one point in his life. He said that he almost killed the guy when he did that. Chris said he does have a bit of a temper. The guy he hit with the bat was a guy who was picking on his little brother. He said he didn't give the guy a chance to get him, he had the bat hidden in a long trench coat and pulled it out to hit the guy. Chris said that he did a night in jail for that and then he got out. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Chris before wrapping up and taking a break.

• More Fun With Artie's Voice Mail. 05/26/05. 8:40am
  Howard came back from break and said that Chris' interview went well. He'd never had confirmation from Chris about his wife hating them before. Howard said his wife won't even talk to him when he sees her. Robin said that she's seen Chris out with his wife and she won't even bother him when she sees his wife with him. Gary came in with an ID that Chris just cut for them. Chris did a bunch of ''F-Howard, F-Robin....'' comments for them.

  Howard replayed the voice mail that Artie left for Gary early this morning when he called in sick. He also played a new song parody that Dan the Song Parody Man put together. Howard picked the calls apart and pointed out that Artie has to add his cough while he's talking because he wants to make sure they know that he's actually sick. They goofed on his calls for a couple of minutes and played some of the song parodies that they created using those calls. Howard also replayed the prank call they made to a store using the audio from the last time Artie called in sick. The guys also took Howard's idea from earlier and called that same guy back using the new clip. They were having a lot of fun with that call. They even took Artie saying ''Tomorrow... I'll probably be in tomorrow'' and put it to the tune of ''Tomorrow.''

  Howard said that Juliette Lewis was there so he wanted to go prepare to play the part. She's never been in the studio before but Gary told Howard that she did call in from the set of a movie one time. Howard told Gary that they had to take a break before bringing her in. He played a couple of clips from the movie where she played a retarded person and talked about how he was going to be acting out the part with her when she came in.

• Actress Musician Juliette Lewis Visits. 05/26/05. 9:00am
  Howard came back from break and had Juliette Lewis come in. He said that she had gone blonde so he asked her what was up with that. She said that she had to do that for a movie she has coming up in June. Howard played some of the clips of her playing a retarded character and yelling in the movie that they put to music. She said she liked the one that they put to Led Zeppelin. Howard told her that they were going to be reenacting a scene from that movie (The Other Sister). Howard told Juliette that Leonardo Dicaprio is the only guy who has really played a retarded character really well.

  Howard asked Juliette if it was true she was going to be giving up on acting. She said that's not quite true, she thinks that she was always going to sing and lead a rock and roll band like she is now. Howard asked her about the band and found out that she's going to be appearing up in Cambridge, Massachusetts and at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City on Saturday. Howard talked about one movie where Juliette had a full bush during a nude scene. Juliette claims that it was a Merkin or a fake bush. The guys had some pictures of her bush from MrSkin.com that they checked out.

  Howard asked Juliette if it's true that she's also given up on sex lately. Juliette said that's not true either. She went for about 8 months without having sex and channeled her energy into her rock and roll stuff instead. Howard and Robin asked Juliette more about this band she's in and if she really believes that she wasn't meant to act. She does seem to think that she was more cut out for the rock and roll thing. Howard asked her what her quote is when it comes to doing movies. She said she might be worth 2 or 3 million to some people. Juliette also talked about her drug use and how she was able to clean herself up. She claims that she wasn't using drugs when she filmed Natural Born Killers even though a lot of people think she was.

  Howard told Juliette that he's always pictured her as being very sexual in bed. She said that she's really not like that. Howard asked her who she's dating right now but she wouldn't say his name. She said that he's not an actor. That led to Howard asking Juliette about dating Brad Pitt. She said that he was 25 at the time and she was underage. Howard wondered why he never went to jail if that's what happened. She was only 16 at the time and nothing happened to Pitt. Juliette said that maybe they didn't have sex. She said her parents liked Brad and didn't have a problem with her dating him at the time. Howard said that no 25 year old guy hangs out with a 16 year old girl like that. Juliette said she didn't even live at home at the time because she was emancipated from her parents at that age. Howard read that Juliette can't get Brad out of her mind to this day but she thought that was kind of funny. Juliette said that she probably wasn't that great of a girlfriend at the time. She said she dated him for about 3 years though. Juliette said he wasn't her first lover either. She didn't want to talk about when that happened though. Howard said he'd get it out of her eventually. Howard got back into the Brad Pitt thing and asked her if the love making was incredible or just ordinary. Juliette said that she doesn't know.

  Howard asked Juliette to act with him. She was thinking about doing a bad job at acting but Howard asked her to take it seriously. Juliette thought it was like entrapment and wasn't sure she wanted to do it. She changed her tune a short time later and said she wasn't going to play it as a retarded person though. Howard told her that she is playing a retard and he's playing the part of a retarded man. Howard told her that if she messed it up, he was going to hit her with a tazer. Howard played some of Juliette's performance from ''The Other Sister'' and wanted her to do it today. She wasn't going there. Howard started to do his part and played the part of the retard. Juliette told him he was very good but she wasn't going to do her part. Howard felt insulted by her not playing along with him. He gave up on the whole thing and got back to the notes he had on her. Howard asked her about some of the guys she's dated but the notes he had were apparently wrong. She never dated Leonardo DiCaprio like someone claimed. He also asked Juliette if the rumor about her and Adam Sandler having sex in a bathroom at a comedy club was true. She said that wasn't true but she likes the rumor.

  Howard gave Juliette a plug for her band Juliette & the Licks and their new CD ''You're Speaking My Language.'' A listener called in and said he was one of the opening bands for her band down in Baltimore and he thought her band was actually very good. He said she does an Iggy Pop thing on stage and she threw herself into the crowd. He also had some nice words to say about her wardrobe and how she doesn't wear a bra. Howard said you can find some tour dates for her band at JulietteAndTheLicks.com. He played one of her songs and seemed to be liking it. He thought the song was pretty sexual and then thought about the scene she did in ''Cape Fear'' where she was sucking on De Niro's finger and how hot that was. Ralph called in and said that Juliette wore some sexy clothes in one movie where she played a rocker chick and that's how she should dress when she does her shows. Ralph wanted to go see her on Saturday night when they appear at the Bowery Ballroom in the city. Howard said that if he stays in the city, he's going to go see her. Juliette had Howard play another one of her songs and Ralph thought she could pull off being a rocker. Howard told Juliette that he likes her and he's glad that she stopped by.

  Howard asked if he could tickle her. She said he could and it might be a bonding moment for them. Howard said he might get creeped out by that whole thing if he did it. Ralph told Howard to put her in the RoboSpanker instead. She didn't want anything to do with that thing though. Howard asked Juliette who her friends are. She said that she really doesn't have a life outside of the band right now. She doesn't have any friends in the business. Gary came in and said that some of the guys in the office were talking about it and wondered if all inputs are available during sex. Juliette didn't want to go there though. Howard and Robin talked about how uptight women are about talking about that stuff. Howard asked Juliette if she uses a vibrator but she stayed silent for a few seconds as she sipped her water. She wasn't going to talk about that with him. The delay was hit at least one time during that discussion.

  Howard asked Juliette what she wanted to plug today. She ended up giving a plug to the hotel she's staying in because they've treated her very well while she's been staying in the city. Howard was starting to wrap up the segment but Juliette said she really wanted him to tickle her. Howard told her to get into the tickle chair but she didn't want to get into it. She was willing to sit there and let him tickle her on the couch. The guys brought in the tickle chair anyway. Juliette didn't get into it but Howard went over to the couch to tickle her instead. Ralph told her to get in Howard's lap but she thought that it wasn't sexual. Howard went ahead and tried to tickle her but it wasn't working. She said that it was uncomfortable to her. She tried to tickle him instead and Howard started to laugh and said that he felt like he'd just been raped. Juliette didn't get any laughs out of that. Juliette said that she's sad that she missed Artie because they did a movie together (Old School). Howard wrapped up the interview after that. He gave her a couple of plugs and Ralph said that he's going to go to the show on Saturday night. Another caller said that he was going to go to the show and wanted her to keep talking because he was pleasuring himself to her voice. Howard went to break a short time after that.

• Music Appreciation And WJFK Cutting Off Howard's Show Early. 05/26/05. 10:00am
  After the break Howard was playing Collective Soul's live version of ''December'' that they performed in the studio. Howard said that those guys had a bunch of hits but they can't get a record deal so they're going to be releasing their own album. He said they contacted them about coming on the show to talk about that. Howard played a little bit of another one of their songs and then talked about this CD that they just got from this guy Danny Bush. It's a Hasidic Jewish guy who raps reggae songs. He played a little bit of that but the song was taking forever to get started. Gary told him to try track 2 because he gets right into it in that one. Howard played it and said that this guy Danny Bush thinks that this is the next big thing. Gary had Howard checking out a couple of songs.

  Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard that Collective Soul was great with their first 3 bands and they blew it with their last album because they tried to become a boy band. Howard tried to listen to more of the Jewish guy's stuff but he gave up on it after a few seconds. Howard took a phone call from a guy who was complaining about how the station down in Washington DC cut off the show at about 20 minutes to 10 to put on these guys ''The Junkies.'' He said he's not going to listen to the station anymore and he's not going to patronize the station in any way now. He thinks they're treating him like he's stupid or something. Gary came in and said they used to cut him off at 10 but 20 minutes to 10 is way early. The caller doesn't know what's going on and neither does Howard. Gary said he'd get the Program Director on the phone if he wants to try and find out what's going on there. Howard told him he'd do that but he didn't seem all that concerned about it. Howard said that if they want him off the air, they should just stop playing the show all together.

  Howard had Robin start her news while he waited for Gary to get the DC station Program Director on the phone. Gary came in a few minutes later and said that the P.D. doesn't want to come on the air. He said they gave him a story about how they have to get them off the air early to get the other show on the air because they have to get off for Bill O'Reilly. Gary said that the P.D. wasn't sure who made the decision to cut them off early and the guy couldn't give him an answer. He eventually got an answer out of him and found that it was a local decision to take them off early and not a corporate decision. A listener called in during that discussion and told Howard that he talked to a guy down there who said that they have to get all of their commercials in and Howard doesn't get to his breaks on time. The caller told Howard that he can still pull in the Baltimore station in sometimes but it comes in scratchy. Howard let that guy go and had Robin get back to her news. They ended the show around 10:55am.

• Artie Out Sick Again. 05/27/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Jim Florentine Terrorizing Telemarketers prank call, Chris Rock comedy bit about women, food and prenuptials, ''Scott From the Block'' song parody,

  Howard started off the show singing some of the ''Scott From the Block'' song that Fred had just played. He said it was one of his favorite songs of all time. He said that Artie was still out sick today. He heard from a friend that Artie was out all night on Wednesday night at a Yankees game. They didn't get another voice mail though, they got an e-mail from his manager saying that he wouldn't be in. The guys said that they need those voice mails from him because they're so entertaining.

• Howard's Final Word On ''Lost.'' 05/27/05. 6:05am
  Howard talked the season finale of ''Lost'' for a few minutes. He pointed out that Robin and Gary had been arguing about it yesterday because Robin thought it was great and Gary thought it was horrible. Robin had Richie from E! on his side and Gary had Will on his side. Howard sided with Gary and told Robin she was wrong. The episode was drawn out and there was a lot of filler and montage scenes. He thought it was an hour episode that was drawn out to 2. Howard thought that he'd seen enough of the filler all season and they shouldn't have used so much filler this time. Howard thought that the fat guy running through the airport was boring. He also said that he's still going to watch the show but the episode was too long and we learned nothing. They didn't answer questions that they promised they were going to answer and some of the guys were upset about it. Howard and the guys talked about the monster on the show and how it seems like it's The Predator and that's the big secret. Howard is afraid that they won't have anywhere to go next season but he will be watching. Gary wanted them to answer just one question about what's going on. They answered none. Robin told Gary that they gave one answer when the crew stole the boy from the boat. That was the boy that they were talking about getting taken through the whole show. It wasn't the baby. Gary and Howard didn't get that though. Robin was proud that she was able to figure that one out.

  Howard and Gary were talking about how much promotion Adam Sandler is doing for this new movie ''The Longest Yard.'' Gary said that the movie ''The Water Boy'' was on last night and Adam Sandler was doing promos during it to get people to go see his new movie. Gary said he and his wife were wondering if Sandler feels like an idiot when he does those baby voices and stuff. Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard what he thinks about Chris Rock stealing his idea for a cartoon. Howard said he doesn't know and doesn't know what to think about that. He said that he's been dealing with Telepictures stealing his Homeless Game idea for a TV show and he's been dealing with people ripping him off for years. He went on to talk about some ideas he had for his cartoon from his real childhood growing up in Roosevelt, Long Island. He talked about how he was part of the hall patrol when he was a kid and figured that people would respect him. That never happened though. He claims that he was the captain of the hall patrol and this guy Zany would come up to him and just punch him in the face. The caller told Howard that he just wrote Chris' second episode by talking about that. Howard said he doesn't know that Chris ripped him off or not.

• Another Funny Idea Won't Make It To Air. 05/27/05. 6:15am
  Howard said that a lot of people ask him why he's moving to satellite. It's all about creativity. He said that he was having a meeting the other day and a condom company was offering them some money to do a contest on the show. One of the ideas was to have all of the guys on the show compete for $25,000. They would have each guy ''fill up a condom'' and they'd weigh it afterward. Howard said he thought about not even suggesting it because everything gets rejected these days. Howard said that they also thought about having the guys make some ''balloon art'' out of condoms. Then he thought about how he should just go with the funniest idea because the balloon art stuff is something you'd hear on a morning zoo show. Howard wanted to do the ''heaviest condom'' thing so he told the guys that's what they were going to do. It was edgy and funny. Richard Christy came in and said that he could probably beat anyone there because he's gone a year without doing that to himself before. Howard told him he wouldn't have that much time to prepare for it though. He got back to the story and said that he almost threw out the idea because of the way Tom rejects things. He thought that it wasn't all that bad but a couple of people that were in a meeting with Tom thought it was funny. Then Tom put a stop to the whole thing. That's when Howard realized that they were on lockdown and they can't try anything new. A lot of people think that Howard isn't trying to be funny like he used to. It's not that, it's the fact that they aren't allowed to do anything new because of the restrictions they have.

  Howard said that Gary told him that if he had been in the meeting with Tom alone, Tom wouldn't have even chuckled the way he did. The caller Howard had on the line was watching the count down on Howard's website that was counting down from 7 months. Howard said he feels like he's getting away from his parents house to go to a dorm and have some fun. Tom Chiusano called in and said that the fill the balloon thing just can't go on there at the station. Tom said that the issue there is laid out in black and white but Howard doesn't understand how that will impact children. Tom seems to think that people will know what's going on and they can't have that kind of activity going on in the bathroom. Howard said no one will know what activity that is. Gary came in and said that Tom said that it's a company policy that they can't have that kind of stuff going on there in the bathroom. He had a good point because they had a problem with one of the staff members talking about doing that in the station bathroom and Howard flipped out when he heard that. Howard is now thinking about doing this contest in a remote location like Scores or in a classy restaurant. The phone caller suggested doing it from the back seat of Tom's Porsche. Tom said that Howard is too tall to fit in the back seat of his Porsche.

  Shuli called in and asked Tom to admit that he doesn't have Howard's back and he just squashes all of his ideas. This all goes back to the time that Tom didn't let Howard play an Oprah tape where she talked about sexual stuff that she never got fined for. Tom said that Shuli can put his lips on a certain part of his anatomy. Shuli and Tom went at each other for a few seconds. Howard said that when he moves to the new place he will be doing the show for his fans because they're going to be paying for his show. Robin said that every decision that Tom makes is based on what the advertisers will think and that's what comes first in his book.

  Tom told Howard that he's off today and he's on his way to play golf this morning. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that. Tom wanted Howard to take a break so he could go play already. Howard went to break a short time later.

• Howard's Thoughts On Michael Jackson. 05/27/05. 6:45am
  After the break Fred was playing the ''Tom Chiusano Home Bleeping System'' commercial parody. They also played a Billy Squire song and ended up talking about that guy for a couple of minutes. Howard said he thought that he was going to have more hit songs than he did. Gary said he once saved Billy's life because he was pissing Fred off so much that Fred was going to kill him. They were over in London at the time and Fred said that it was just the way Billy treated him that time. He was very arrogant and not very nice according to Gary and Fred. Howard said he wasn't that bad of a guy.

  Howard brought up the Michael Jackson case and said that there's one part of him that believes the child molestation stuff but there's another part of him that thinks that he's not guilty of what he's being charged with. Howard once met Michael and wrote about that in one of his books. He talked about that day and how their conversation just fizzled. He thinks that Michael just isn't interested in talking to an adult. He may be inappropriate with kids but he's not necessarily a child molester. Howard thinks that someone like Macauley Culkin was like the Pam Anderson for child molesters. He said there is an alarm going off in his head telling him that he's just not right but he's still not sure. Howard said if he was a child molester and he had a Macaley Culkin in his room, he'd jump on that. Howard said the jury could come out thinking the same thing that he's thinking and he may just get off. Howard heard that Jackson sold his Neverland ranch and he wondered who would buy it. He figured that whoever did buy it would probably get rid of the ferris wheel and all of that crap he's got there. Gary and Howard both said that they'd go there to tour the property if they had a chance.

• Howard's Mail And Rejecting Guests. 05/27/05. 6:55am
  Gary said he was supposed to ask Howard about some guests that they could book for the show. Howard said he's not sure what to do with some people. Yesterday they had Juliette Lewis on the show and Howard liked the interview but he got a lot of negative mail about it. He read a couple of the e-mails and people were really angry that she didn't play along with Howard when he asked her to do some stuff. One guy said that she sucked and he was really hoping that she was going to be good. The writer said he stayed home from work just to hear that interview. Howard thought that was kind of odd and he must be a pretty hard core fan. Howard read some other e-mails about other subjects. Some people wrote in about Artie being out sick yesterday. Howard said he's not that upset about it but if Artie was out at a baseball game the night before, maybe he should be doing stuff like that. Howard got a lot of negative e-mail about Chris Rock's appearance yesterday as well. He read one about how Chris Rock's wife hates Howard and Robin. The writer said that Chris' wife is friends with Star Jones. That explains it all. Robin and Howard thought Chris was funny on the show yesterday. Someone else said that Chris has a housekeeper that is white so he was lying about that on the show yesterday.

  Howard read an e-mail about Kelly Ripa being on David Letterman's show the other night. She was showing some clevage and she was looking way to skinny. That led to the guys talking about Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie getting too skinny. Howard said that he thinks that Lindsay is way too skinny and Nicole may have lost even more weight since she was on the show. She's looking a bit too skinny now as well. Howard said he used to like Lindsay's look but now he's not into her.

  Gary said that they have the chance to have Glen Frey from The Eagles on the show. Robin thought that it would be a good idea so Howard said maybe they should try it. Elvis Costello was another name on the list but Howard doesn't think that he would be a good interview. Fred said they did interview him one time at WNBC but he may be a better interview now. Gary thinks that they'll get a ton of e-mails from people who will tell them that they're nuts not to have him on. Howard said that a lot of these guys can bring the show to a grinding halt. Gary asked Robin to name 3 of his songs but she couldn't do it. She knew just one. Gary said that it would be cool if he came in and played some songs. Howard said he doesn't want to hassle with guests who don't really want to be there. He said they don't really need a lot of guests, he'd rather weigh condoms. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how it's not fun to try and interview someone who really doesn't want to have fun with them. Howard said that one of the toughest interviews he's ever had was with Warren Beatty. Howard said he should have just sat there quietly and not tried so hard. Howard said that Julia Roberts was good because she really didn't want to be there and they had fun torturing her. She was uptight but that's what they knew was going to happen. Howard said that ODB came in with Damon Dash one time and Damon wouldn't let him talk about anything so it was one of the worst interviews ever. Howard said he felt like an ass after that interview. James Woods was one of the best interviews that Howard could think of.

  Gary remembers getting a call from Jeff Daniel's publicist and she couldn't believe that they had Vinnie on instead of Jeff Daniels. That's the kind of guest they want on this show though. Howard said that William Hung was better on the show than Warren Beatty was. William Shatner is also another great guest that they can have on the show many times without getting sick of him. Gary said he's constantly telling publicists why they have women without arms on the show instead of a celebrity guest. Gary said they don't need to have guests on the show every 20 minutes like some shows do.

  Howard had Debbie Schlussel on the phone who told Howard to have Danica Patrick on the show. She's a race car driver. Howard said he really doesn't care about that kind of stuff though. Gary said that someone has been sending them e-mails about her pitching her for the show. Gary said that she's pretty hot for a race car driver but Will told him that she might be the worst interview ever. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Danica isn't that hot and she cries when she gets out of her car and things don't go her way. He said that she looks okay in pictures but when she's on TV she's all angry like a little kid would be. He thinks she should be more appreciative for what she has. Howard told Gary to book her and let Ronnie do the interview. Howard had to go but Debbie got in a plug for her web site DebbieDoesPolitics.com where she has a story about how Oprah is ties to Al Queda. She was about to get off the line but Gary asked her if she's a virgin. Debbie said she's not going to talk about that on the air. She's 36 years old and Howard thinks that she hasn't been intimate with a man. Howard tried to get more info out of her about that but Debbie wasn't talking. Howard said he thinks she could be a virgin and that's fascinating. He had to take a break a short time later.

• More Censorship Discussions. 05/27/05. 7:30am
  Howard came back from break and took a phone call from a guy who said that they should call Artie today to find out what's going on with him. The caller also said that Gary Busey was a great guest when he was on. Howard remembered how great he was when they did the Head Injury Club for Men back when they were doing their WWOR TV show. Busey also had to be put in a head lock when he was on the show not too long ago.

  Howard got back to the condom weighing contest and how they just can't do it there. He said that's just part of the reason he's moving to satellite radio. He said he was in a meeting with this guy Scott Greenstein about the move and there's still a long way to go before the satellite industry becomes profitable. He said that they're building him a new studio over there at SIRIUS and they've already displaced a bunch of people. He's going to try and work with what they're giving him. He said they really should have some kind of goodbye or countdown for when they're leaving. He asked Gary to put together some old bits that they could play and say goodbye to. Gary said that they have to censor anything they go back to and it ends up becoming swiss cheese because they edit it so much. Gary said that they've gone through phases with the FCC and the stuff has been edited multiple times. Howard said that they had that idea for the condom contest and that was shot down so he just can't do anything he wants to do on the show. When he moves, he'll be able to do what he wants. Howard pointed out that he doesn't want to be a morning zoo program so he's not going to be doing the condom contest where he just makes up some balloon animals with condoms.

  Gary said that they were going to have a hot grandmother contest that they were going to call the GILF contest. They're not allowed to say what the GILF thing means. Howard said that he's not even allowed to say ''Gradma I'd Like to...'' Gary said they were allowed to say ''Grandmother I'd Like to.. You know!'' There was another contest that Howard said they had to bail on where they'd have the Biggest Balls contest. Tom told them that they can't say ''balls'' they have to say ''Cajones'' instead. Howard said he's not going to say that because it's gay. Gary told Howard that Fred will play old bits at the start of the show and Tom will sometimes hear that stuff and tell them that they can't play it anymore, even though it's been played 50 times in the past. Howard said that the real issue isn't being discussed in the articles he's read about the FCC stuff. He said that no one is standing up to the FCC. They were talking about the stuff that Oprah Winfrey talks about on her show and how Howard can't play any of that stuff on the air because he'd get fired. He thinks it would be a great test case for the FCC to take to court but they won't let him play that stuff on the air.

• Stacy's Amputation Fetish. 05/27/05. 7:40am
  Howard had this woman Stacy on the phone. She has an odd fetish for amputation and she wants to remove her own limbs. She's already had her toe cut off on purpose by her boyfriend. Stacy claims that she's had dreams about this stuff for years and she actually had a really intense orgasm when her toe was cut off. She had to go to the hospital after that because the bleeding wouldn't stop. She said they had a really sharp knife and just cut the toe off. She said that her boyfriend almost backed out of it because he didn't know she was so serious. She said she didn't have any anesthesia for the toe chop. Stacy said that she could just deal with taking toes off right now and eventually take a foot off. She said it would all be worth it to take the foot off and have to use crutches or something.

  Stacy said she's 5'5'' tall, 125 pounds and she has brown hair. She said she would never take off a breast or anything like that. She said she loves having this stuff done to her. Robin wondered if the boyfriend would ever get arrested for something like that. Stacy said that she would never press charges so that won't happen. Stacy says that she would like to have her whole right leg removed eventually. She said that having it removed right above the knee would be preferable. Robin said she was getting sick hearing about this stuff. Stacy said that the time they cut off the toe they had just had sex. She said that wasn't enough for her and that's when she asked for the toe to be cut off. Howard wondered if there was something in her childhood that made her want to do this stuff. Stacy said she started thinking about this when she was 5 or 6 years old. She couldn't remember anything that happened to her, it was just the dreams that she had about it that got her interested.

  Stacy is a painter and she claims that she makes a decent living. Howard read that she paints portraits of pets. Howard took a phone call from a woman who asked if a 5 minute orgasm is worth losing a leg over. Stacy said that's up to her and that's what she wants. Howard said that he's read about guys who are into that kind of stuff but not that many women. Stacy said she could lose a couple of fingers on her right hand and still get along just fine. Stacy said that she doesn't use her pinkie finger when she's typing on the internet. Another caller asked if they could chop her head off. Howard cut him off and let Jeff the Drunk call her a ''Dumb, crazy bitch'' and a ''dumb whore.''

  Howard asked Stacy if there are web sites devoted to this kind of thing. She said there isn't anything for what she wants to do but there are amputee web sites. Another guy called in and told Stacy how cruel people are when they see amputees. His girlfriend is an amputee and it's really tough for her being made fun of. Another guy called in and told Howard how hot amputees are to him. He said that he dated a chick who was an amputee and she was turned on by the whole thing. Ralph called in and said that this chick sounds kind of normal but wondered if it's something hard wired into their head or what. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked if this chick would let him chop off her foot. Stacy said she'd like to meet this chick and she sounded kind of interested. Eric said that he would probably have to turn his head if he did it. Stacy said it would have to be a very sharp utensil and Eric sounded interested in doing it. Another guy called in a short time later and said he'd be willing to do it as well. He said that he might need to sign a contract that said he wouldn't get in trouble for doing it. Stacy said that she would like a relationship with a guy who could do that for her.

  Zolar called in as a Doctor and said that he'd do it to her... and he'd also give her a lobotomy because she's the dumbest bitch Howard's ever had on the show. Another caller said that they had a CSI episode that was similar to this last year. Howard asked Stacy who she looks like that's famous. She thought about it for a minute and said Drew Barrymore with brown hair. Howard took a call from a guy who said he lost a leg when he was 19 and he would give anything to have the leg back. He said she can't just have her leg hacked off either because she would bleed to death. Howard suggested that she go to a psychiatrist as soon as possible. He let her go a short time later.

• Fred The Elephant Boy And His Girlfriend Visit. 05/27/05. 8:15am
  After the break Fred played a couple of Fred the Elephant Boy audio clips and bits. They had Fred call a black store as a Korean man who was going to be opening a business in a black neighborhood. After that Howard said that Elephant Boy and his girlfriend Mary were stopping by today. He had the two of them come in a short time later. Howard said he thought that Mary was done with Elephant Boy but she's back together with him now. The two of them met out in Cleveland and dated for a while. They broke up for a while but they're back together now. Mary said it was a long distance relationship and it was kind of tough. Mary said they did do some phone sex stuff. Howard tried to reenact that by doing an impression of Fred. Mary also told them that Fred had gone back into his bi-sexual stuff again so that was another reason they broke up. Fred said that she went through her own problems as well. Mary said she had a lot of stress from the Post Office job she has. Howard figured a post office job would be easy but he must be wrong. Mary said she's on valium now so she doesn't have any problems now. Howard brought up the bi-sexual stuff again and Mary said that Fred had a guy with him when he was out to visit her one time. Fred said that if she had said ''no'' to him he wouldn't have done anything. Fred said that he used his mouth on a guy and the guy shaved Fred in the shower. Fred said he doesn't remember that happening though. Mary said she watched from the door of the bathroom as this was going on. She said she couldn't believe he actually went through with it. Fred said it was a miscommunication as far as he was concerned. Howard wasn't surprised by that since Fred has the speech impediment.

  Mary told Howard about how Fred had also been on a web site getting whipped by another chick and that freaked her out too. Howard had to explain that. He said that Fred was in women's stockings and he was having some sexual stuff done to him. That's the stuff that freaked Mary out. She said she was losing her mind over that and started drinking. She's got that under control now though. Fred said Mary had her problems and he had his so that's what led to the break up. Howard had Fred play the tape of Elephant Boy taking out a personal ad on a phone service where he was looking for bi-sexual couples to go out with him. Mary was freaked out by that whole thing back then as well. Howard said that in a miracle of all miracles, Fred and Mary are back together. Mary said that Fred called her and they got their friendship back eventually. Howard told Mary that Fred had to do some weird stuff to win an Xbox for her kids. Fred had to put green paint on High Pitch Eric's private parts. They were proud of him for getting the Xbox but not for the gay stuff he had to do.

  Howard asked Mary if she missed Elephant Boy while they were broken up. She said she did miss him because she's probably only a 6 but he looks at her as a 10. Fred has apparently stopped with the gay stuff and he's not going to go back to that. Mary said she thought that he had been away from it for over a year but Fred said it was ''months.'' Fred said he meant years when he said months. Howard asked him if he really did want to give that up because it's something he's into. Fred said it's just a substitute when he doesn't have anything else. Fred said he finds guys on the internet and they're usually white. Fred said that it's probably been somewhere between 6 months to a year since he last had a guy. He really wants to get back to Mary. He's more comfortable with Mary than he is with guys. Robin said that he's never been with any other women. Fred said that he just went with the next best thing, which is a guy in his view. Mary said that a fat chick should have been the next best thing. Robin wondered why he's going to give up something that he likes but Fred said it was just a substitute.

  Fred is looking into getting a new job closer to Mary. He said that his mother is in a nursing home now and he's living with his brother in her house right now. He is thinking about moving to Cleveland in the future though. Fred said that he would like her to be his wife in the future if things work out. He said he's going to be a good man to her and Mary said that only time will tell. Howard told Fred that it was very romantic but also told him to say that he'd never spread his legs for a man again. Fred said he will be a one woman man. They already knew that, he's only found one woman. It's the guys he has to cut down on according to Robin.

  Howard said it was exciting that the two of them were back together. He said that Fred was lucky to have found Mary to begin with and he kind of blew it. Now they're back together and trying to work things out. Howard said that everyone was praying that Elephant Boy would find love again. He had Fred repeat after him and say ''No more penis.'' Fred had to promise not to have any more gay porn magazines or gay movies. Howard said he could have Mario Cantone in to find out of Fred was attracted to him. Fred said he's not his type. Howard asked Mary about the gay movies Fred has. She said she found some stuff under his bed when she was over at his house visiting. Howard asked Fred if he thinks about men when he's with Mary. He says he doesn't think about men. He's into her when he's with her. Howard wrapped up with the two of them but Mary wanted to meet Mario Cantone. Gary came in and said that Mario didn't have any desire to meet them so he didn't want to come in. Howard took a commercial break a short time after that.

• Comedian Mario Cantone Visits. 05/27/05. 8:55am
  Howard brought in Mario Cantone after the break. He mentioned that Mario's Broadway show is now going to be on Showtime. Howard said he ran into Mario the other night and had a nice talk with him. Mario said that Howard's girlfriend, Beth, is a really nice person and it appears that Howard has good taste in women when he gets serious. Howard said that Mario has a boyfriend that he's had for a long time. Mario said he's been with the guy for 14 years now.

  Howard read about how bad Mario's childhood was. His father had a whole other family outside of his family. They didn't know about them for years but they did hear rumors about it. Mario said that this other woman had her house set up for her and her son. Mario's father was home a lot so he didn't have a clue about him having another family. Mario said that he found out about Philip years later and confronted his father about it. His father denied it and claimed that the picture he found was actually him. Mario also talked about his mother and how she died of mouth cancer. She smoked for many years but he thinks that it was the area of Massachusetts that he lived in. He said that there was a whole street there where just about every family has gotten cancer.

  Howard wondered if Mario is still depressed as he was when he was a kid. Mario said he does have good days so he's not depressed all the time. Mario said his mother couldn't handle the fact that he was gay. He said that he was out when he was 12 years old and most people respected what he was doing. Mario said that he has kissed women and felt their breasts but he's never been ''down under.'' He was also saying that his boyfriend is helping him out with this show of his. Howard mentioned that he was also on ''Sex and the City'' and wondered about him being friends with Kim Cattral. Howard heard that Kim is the reason that the ''Sex and the City'' movie never came about. He heard that Kim and Sarah Jessica Parker fight with each other and that's one of the reasons the movie never got made. Mario said that he never talks to the two of them about that stuff and he's never seen them fight.

  Howard talked to Mario about his show ''Laugh Whore'' and what that's all about. Mario told Howard about the impression he does of Liza Minelli. He did a little bit of that for Howard so Howard pretended to interview him as Liza. Mario had some fun with that and talked about how he does a Judy Garland impression as well. He did some of that impression as Howard interviewed him as Judy. Howard went on to ask Mario about the famous friends he hangs out with. Mario claims that he doesn't go out all that much but Howard said he's seen him out quite a bit. Mario asked Howard how he's able to get up so early to do the show every morning. Howard said he's constantly exhausted from getting up so early. It's a really tough schedule.

  Howard asked Mario if he's a millionaire from the work he's done. Mario said he's not even close and doesn't make all that much money. He said he does some TV work, some stand-up comedy and stuff like that. He said he's been offered a bunch of jobs that he just doesn't want to do. He said he was offered a job in ''The Lion King'' on Broadway but he doesn't want to strap a puppet head on his ass 8 days a week. He said he was also offered a job on ''The Producers'' but they wanted him for a year and he only wanted to do 6 months. Mario brought up ''American Idol'' and talked about that for a short time. He said he felt that Bo Bice was talented but Carrie Underwood was very disconnected from her songs. Howard said that Country Music fans are more forgiving when it comes to music so that's why she probably won. Howard and Mario also talked about ''The Contender'' which they both enjoyed. Mario said that he never watches any of that reality stuff but those two shows he had to watch. Howard told Mario that he got a personal note from Sylvester Stallone who thanked him for promoting ''The Contender'' as much as he did. Howard and Mario both agreed that the show was great even though it didn't take off in the ratings.

  Howard asked Mario if he's ever converted a straight man before. Mario said that he has been with ''straight'' guys before. Howard wrapped up with him a short time after that quick discussion. Mario's show ''Laugh Whore'' is on Showtime this weekend a few times. Howard took a call from Ralph who asked Mario if he agrees that Star Jones and Elisabeth from ''The View'' are big pains in the ass. Mario didn't want to bad mouth them but he doesn't agree with Elisabeth's views. Ralph wanted him to say that she was a vapid bitch but Mario wasn't going there. Howard told Ralph that Mario can't go there because he'll never get invited back on the show if he bad mouths these people. Mario said that he does go off on the girls on The View before. He said he's gone off on Barbara Walters about screwing up a line one time and he's yelled at Star about talking about her wedding too much.

  Howard and Mario talked about Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie being too skinny now. Mario mentioned Saturday Night Live at one point so Howard asked him if he's ever auditioned for the show. Mario said he had but never got hired. Ralph mentioned the show he used to do on channel 9 (WWOR) back when they were on there. Mario said they got away with murder on that show. Howard also asked Mario about drug use. Mario said he gave up smoking pot for about 10 years. He started smoking again but it was in moderation after that 10 years giving it up. Howard said that if he was gay, Mario would be his type. Mario said that he thinks Howard looks good too. Howard told Mario that he should do a chick and maybe he'd like it. Mario said he would do that, his boyfriend enjoys a chick once in a while. Mario said that he liked KC who got dressed up like Superman one time. Howard said they didn't have him there for them because he's gone now. He ended the interview a short time later and took a commercial break.

• The Mike Walker Gossip Game. 05/27/05. 9:40am
  After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that this gay stuff all the time is getting out of hand. Howard told him it was about to get gayer because they were going to play the Gossip Game. Howard said that Mario Cantone's segment was a gay segment, he's just a comedian who happens to be gay. He said that Fred the Elephant Boy's segment was gay.

  Howard took another call from a guy who wondered if Howard would like to have Beth bring another woman into bed with him. Howard said he thinks he'd get too jealous to share Beth with anyone else. Another caller told Howard that his interns sound really hot. Gary came in and said that the girls are so hot that they caught Chris Rock's attention yesterday when he was there. Chris has never really stuck his head in the office in the past but yesterday he had to pop his head in and say a couple of words to the hot girls in there.

  Howard moved on to the Mike Walker Gossip Game. He had Mike on the line and asked him how he's doing. Mike said that he's hearing all of these accusations of Howard being gay on the show lately. Howard said that a lot of people think that Mike is gay just because he writes a gossip column. Mike swears that he is a straight man though. Howard had him get to his game right after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Kelly Osbourne went shopping for her dog at a store called High Maintenance Bitch and walked out with $50,000 worth of stuff even after the sales person had commented on how it must be nice to have rich parents to pay for stuff. Kelly said that she works hard to pay for her own stuff.
  2. Elijah Wood was seen hanging out at The Abby, which is a gay-friendly club, and had his picture taken by a guy who was there. Elijah asked him to delete the picture because it might encourage the rumors that he's gay. The person deleted the picture and people heard that Elijah had picked up the guy's tab.
  3. Star Wars star Hayden Christensen went to get his car from a valet but when he handed over his ticket, he saw his car taking off down the road. A short time later the driver returned and told the Valets that he was given the wrong car and he didn't realize it until he turned on his radio and heard rock music.
  4. Pam Anderson took a fall on the set of ''Stacked'' when she stepped on a book shelf to place a book up on a higher shelf.
  Howard and Fred picked story 1 as the fake one while Robin went with story 2. The actual fake story was number three. Mike told a quick story about going into a restaurant in a gay area out in California to get himself a hamburger. When he came out he heard some guys yelling at him saying that Howard Stern was right about him being gay. Howard wrapped up after that and took another commercial break.

• And Finally... 05/27/05. 10:05am
  Howard had Robin start her news after the commercial break. Howard had a new clip from COPS where this 300 pound guy had to be Tazered. Howard loves that stuff. Robin read a story about how there may be a compound in perfumes that could cause an unborn infant's genitalia to be smaller than normal. Howard thought that could be the reason that he has such small genitals so he asked Gary to get his mother on the phone. Gary said that his mother was out but his father was going to pick up. Ben got on the line a minute later. He had to turn the radio down so he took a little long to get there. Howard went on to ask his father if his mother wore a lot of perfume when he was still in the womb. Ben said that he doesn't think that was the problem. Ben said that he remembered seeing his father's genitals when he was in the hospital before he died and he was pretty normal looking. Howard told his father that he isn't all that big and he thinks that the perfume thing could have been the problem. Ben said he'd never heard of such a thing before and he'll have to be careful around perfume. Howard also talked about another news story that Robin had brought up. There was a lawsuit at a radio station in Detroit over a woman wearing perfume to work. It ended up costing the radio station $10 million. Howard and his dad talked about how these lawsuits are ruining the country. Howard let his father go a short time later and talked about how his father still has all of his marbles even at the age of 82. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about his childhood and how his father used to yell at him for just about anything he asked him about. Howard said he'd ask his father about going to the horse track and his father wouldn't talk about it, he'd just yell at him. Howard had Robin get back to the news after that. They ended the show around 10:40am.