Ryan went on to tell Howard that it took him 3 and a half years to become an intern because he kept getting turned down. Gary told him that when they hire someone after they've been turned down that many times it means they literally had no one else to hire.
Stuttering John said that Ryan was going to give Howard some brownies laced with laxatives for his birthday. He thought Howard could use them to play tricks on his friends or something. He said he's done that to his friends before and it really pissed them off.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Ryan got him a bagel the other day. Ronnie told him not to spit on it when he went down to get it. When he came back Ryan had written ''Diet Phlegm'' on the wax paper and it leaked through. Ryan went to get him another one but when he got back Ronnie threw it against the wall. That's when Ryan got the idea to have Ronnie throw bagels at a target.
Ronnie ended up trying to hit Ryan's target with the bagels but just hit him in the head and the nuts. Howard told Ryan he could come back in to meet Vince later on. Ryan just vanished from the studio.
Howard first asked Vince about all of the money he's worth. He thinks that Vince is a billionaire but Vince told him he doesn't know what he's worth. His father left him the WWF franchise about 15 years ago and it has taken off since then. Robin called him the Donald Trump of wrestling. Vince said that if his father knew that he was going to go national with the series he probably wouldn't have gotten it. Howard also heard that Vince doesn't talk to his mother because she allegedly molested him as a child. Vince said he inferred that in an interview. He never said that she actually molested him. He didn't want to talk about it anymore than that either.
Howard moved on to talk about the XFL which Vince started this year. The league has been floundering in the ratings but Howard thinks he has a solution that would make it huge. He told Vince that he would take all of the players and cheerleaders and put them in a village. Then they'd shoot it kind of like ''Survivor'' and show highlights of dating and the games just like they do with that show. Vince actually said it sounded like a good idea. Howard told him that they should hook up together and do this thing. He told Vince that he could take the idea and run with it if he wants to. Vince is hoping that the series will persevere and take off like wrestling did.
Howard asked Vince what will happen when he passes on. Vince said that the WWF and all of his stuff will be left to his kids. Even his daughter-in-law will get part of the inheritance.
Howard also read that Vince admitted to cheating on his wife in an interview. Vince said that he's been married 28 years and for the past 6 he's been faithful. He said he used to sleep with ''anything that had a skirt''. He said his wife was very angry at him but they still love each other so they stay together.
Howard spent a short time asking Vince about his Bob Costas interview the other night. Vince said that he was kind of let down by Costas who turned the interview into a trial of the WWF.
Vince said that he doesn't get upset when people try to sue him, he just deals with it and moves on.
Howard took a few phone calls from women who wanted to ask Vince for jobs or just kiss his ass a bit. One guy asked Vince if he's going to take over the WCW franchise. Vince said that might happen and if it does then they would have the two leagues wrestle each other sometimes.
Howard started letting in some of the nuts who showed up at the station come in to meet Vince. There were two guys who asked a couple of wrestling questions and one of the guys showed Howard his two assholes. I didn't catch the reason for the two holes though.
Ryan, who was on earlier, came in and asked a bunch of dopey questions about whether or not he could work for the WWF. There was an ex-intern by the name of Siobhan who came in and kissed Vince's ass a bit.
Extreme fan Bobo, his two kids and a friend also came in. They all watch the WWF together and wanted to meet Vince. Howard goofed on Bobo's toupee and let them ask a couple of questions before moving on to the next group.
Up next were Brandi and Bonnie-Jill who were on earlier in the week. They are, or were, XFL cheerleaders who had complaints about their jobs. They came in and told Vince about the problems they had. Vince told them that they should hang in there and just wait a while for things to get better. Then they told him they got fired already. Whoops! Too late. Gary said that they're more interesting now and he'd be more interested in watching the show now that they're controversial.
Howard let a couple more guys come in to meet Vince before wrapping up the interview. One guy said he wanted to be a wrestler but Howard told him there's no way he could be. He wasn't built for it. Howard wrapped up the interview and plugged the WWF Wrestlemania event. Visit Wrestlemania.com to get more info on the pay-per-view event.
Howard spoke to Shatner about this Iron Chef show and tried to figure out what it was. Shatner said it's like a cooking show meets the WWF. A bunch of chefs compete against each other in a cooking competition.
Howard also found out that Shatner will be in the upcoming celebrity version of ''Weakest Link'' and asked him why he'd put himself through that. Shatner said he did it for a charity. Howard wondered why he'd let that woman insult him when he can't insult her back. Shatner said he's not allowed to talk about what happened on the show but he did say that he got to insult her back... in a loving way of course.
Howard moved on to talk about Star Trek conventions and how much money he can make appearing at one. Howard started out at $100,000 and Shatner told him to come way down. Howard thinks he can make around $40,000 but Shatner would just say that it's ''in the thousands'' of dollars. Howard asked him if he's ever banged a Trekkie. He said he never has but some of the people in the studio didn't quite believe him.
Howard wrapped up and gave Shatner plugs for all of his stuff. You can find out more about Iron Chef USA at IronChefUSATV.com. You can purchase the videotape ''Mind Meld: Secrets Behind the Voyage of a Lifetime'' at WilliamShatner.com
Howard decided to give runner-up Gerri a chance to play for $5000 courtesy of RisqueVideo.com since he felt so bad for her. Howard took a break and then came back to play the big hand of Black Jack. Unfortunately Cheryl lost her hand and the $100,000. She had 15, took a hit and busted when she got a 10. The dealer had a 10 showing. Thanks to the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino though, she walked away with $5000. Howard said he had a bad feeling about Cheryl's hand because he'd seen Scott the Engineer up on the stage during the break and the jinx walked by her. He said he didn't want to blame Scott but bad luck really does follow him around.
Gerri came up and played her $5000 hand of Black Jack also. She also lost when the dealer beat her 17 to 16. Once again the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino came through and gave her $5000 like they did with Cheryl.
Howard first played the Judy Garland tapes that he's been talking about all week. Vinnie edited down the tapes to just the good parts. Apparently the tapes are from the time when she had lost her CBS show and she was divorced and living in England. Someone suggested that she voice her thoughts on tape so a book could be written about her life. Howard played a bunch of the clips and she just rambles in what sounds like a drunken rage. She complains about not knowing how to use the tape recorder and how it's a ''Nazi machine''. In another clip she wonders why she flies around in airplanes with a ''cast'' of people she couldn't care less about. She said she doesn't want to die with these people who sit around reading ''Readers Digest''. She also complains about her ex-husband Sid Luft and how he doesn't care about anyone except himself. The tapes were hilarious.
For some reason Vinnie thought that there were many similarities between Judy and Howard. Some of his examples included... both were divorced, both had kids, both were in their 40's, both battled CBS over money, both were mentally abused by their parents, both saw psychiatrists, both talk in a microphone, both like their wine, both can't play sports, both lost money in their divorce, both had daughters that wanted to be performers and while Judy hung out with gays, Howard hung out with Ralph.
Howard had to hold off on the lie detector test because Joan Rivers showed up.
Howard said there were things that he wasn't allowed to talk to Pam about. Her publicist said they can't talk to her about Valentine's day for some reason. Howard said it was just making him more curious to find out why she won't talk about it.
Howard has a strange intern by the name of Pete who really loves Pam. Howard had him come in before Pam so he could talk to him about his obsession. Howard said the guy has a ''Barb Wire'' t-shirt that has never been worn. He had it folded up like a military flag so it wouldn't get ruined. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Pete about this t-shirt thing. Howard checked it out and it wasn't even a cool t-shirt. They said it wasn't a picture of Pam, it was just a cartoon. Howard said he'd let him meet Pam because he wanted to see the look on his face. He had Pete rehearse what he was going to say to Pam before he brought her in. Pete rambled on like a stalker saying he wanted to date her and he's been watching her since her ''Baywatch'' days.
A short time later Howard had Pam come in. Pete got to say a few words to her but he really sounded like a loser. Howard let him stay in there though but he was really disturbing to look at according to Howard.
Pam came in and said that she really hates the fact that her management told Howard he couldn't talk to her about certain things. She said that she's willing to talk about anything. She didn't understand the Valentine's day thing either. She said she's just staying home with the kids that day.
Howard described to everyone what Pam was wearing today. She had on a very tight Chrome Heart turtleneck sweater and she wasn't wearing a bra. She was also wearing a really small mini-skirt and stiletto heels.
Pam asked Howard to play the number 8 song on Kid Rock's new album. She said she'd dance to it if he played it. Howard got the CD and played it while she danced. For some reason she went over to him and ended up smacking him in the head. Howard thought it might have been a bet she had going that made her do it but she denied it.
Howard went back in time a little and talked to Pam about the night he spent at a strip club with her. Howard claims that he kissed her that night but she said she never did. She said it was the other women that were there who kissed him. Pam denied it over and over again but Howard said she's lying about it. Pam said that she thinks Howard is cute but nothing would have happened that night no matter what he thinks. Robin remembered that it was September 11th when they had the conversation about what a pussy Howard was for not getting Pam that day. They were in the middle of the conversation when Howard found out about the terrorist attacks.
Howard talked to Pam about dating Kid Rock and whether or not she's going to marry him. She said that it's possible and she's really in love with him. Howard doesn't understand why she gets right into these serious relationships without dating a bunch of guys first. She just said she's really in love with Kid Rock right now. Howard spent some time asking her about how much the two of them have sex. Pam said it's quite often and multiple times. Howard said he's seen the Pam and Tommy video tape and having sex with her has got to be real fun.
Howard plugged Pam's TV show ''V.I.P.'' and took a bunch of phone calls before wrapping up the interview. Vinnie Favale from CBS was at the club the night Pam and Howard kissed. He called in and said he couldn't believe the way they were making out. He was right next to them and said that Pam was sitting on Howard's lap. He also said there was tongue involved but Pam denied it. Howard said he didn't even remember that much detail and wasn't sure if there was tongue.
Howard also asked Pam about this stalker she found sleeping in her house. Pam told Howard about this woman who snuck into her guest house and made herself at home. Pam said she didn't go into the guest room that often but her father was coming over one day. She asked her house keeper to check the room and that's when they found the woman and called the cops. When they found her she'd slit her wrists. They also later found that she was wearing one of Pam's ''Baywatch'' bathing suits. Pam said she's since moved out of that house and into another one in the area. It was right on the beach in Malibu so it was pretty easy for people to break in. She said one day she saw a couple of girls running down the beach wearing some of her ''V.I.P.'' clothing that they'd stolen from her house.
Stuttering John came in and asked Pam if she plans to have plastic surgery to keep her amazing looks if they start to fade in 5 to 10 years. She said she hasn't had any plastic surgery, other than her breasts, yet and she's very afraid to have anything done to her face. She didn't say she won't have any surgery though. She's just going to wait to see what happens.
Finally, Howard asked Pam about if she has a bikini wax or shaves her private parts. She said she shaves. Howard wondered why she doesn't get razor bumps down there. She said she guesses that she just doesn't get them for some reason. Artie said in the Pam and Tommy video you might get one shot where you can see some bumps down there though. He was just trying to extend the conversation about her private parts though.
Howard said that Elliott has a daughter that contacted the show and wanted to be reunited with him. Elliott turned down the offer for some reason.
A phone caller said that Elliott used to use an alias of Jack Gordon when he lived in Miami. The guy also said that he stole stuff from people and didn't pay for stuff. Gary said that when he spoke to Elliott he said that there were parts of his life that he didn't want to get into he's led a less than perfect life. Elliott said he never said such a thing but Gary threatened to get the tape of their conversation. Elliott kept changing the subject and yelling about how Howard is putting him on the show.
Elliott showed Howard two checks for $10,000 each. After a lot of hassle he finally told Howard that he was going to offer up one of them as a ''security bond'' for anyone who can prove that they've had a gay experience with him. He said he's willing to put it up because he knows that he's never done anything like that.
A woman claiming to be Elliott's daughter Karen called in. She said that she hasn't seen her pathological lying father in about 15 years. Elliott said that it's not his daughter because he hasn't seen her in 23 years, not 15. He also said that he was told that his daughter was dead. She swears that it's him though. The two of them called each other names for a few minutes and Howard offered to have both of them come on the show tomorrow to reunite. Elliott was willing to come in tomorrow but Karen said that she probably couldn't make it. Howard wanted her to bring her birth certificate with her so she could prove her claims. It may or may not happen on the show tomorrow.
Howard finally had to wrap up the segment so he could get to the news. He said that you can get 3 autographed photos of Elliott by sending $5 to...
Elegant Elliott Offen
7243 Austin St.
Apt. C3
Forest Hills, NY 11375
You can also get his manuscript, which has sold about 1600 copies, by sending $10 plus $3 shipping to the same address. Howard finally ended the segment when a caller said they were ready to commit suicide if they heard any more of Elliott.
Howard spoke to Dana about her husband's accident and whether or not Chris would let Howard bang her. Dana told Howard that she listens to his show every day and she's a fan. She said they don't have E! out where they live so she doesn't watch the TV show.
Howard told Dana that she thinks that the doctors who saved Christopher are ''ghouls.'' Jimmy Kimmel joked that she should kill Chris herself. Yesterday Howard was discussing an article that he read about how most guys will leave their wives if they get cancer. He asked Dana if she thinks Chris would have left her if she was the one who had a life threatening disease. Dana said she hopes he wouldn't. She told Howard she's happy to have Chris around but she told him it was up to him if he wanted to stick around. She said she took care of him for the first year or so after his accident but she wasn't able to keep doing that so they have a staff of people to take care of him now.
Howard asked Dana if they killed the horse that threw Chris off. Dana said the horse is still alive and well and it actually got them a million bucks. Dana said a woman donated $1 million to them because they kept the horse alive.
Howard asked if it would be the lowest thing to try and seduce her. He asked Dana if Chris told her it was okay, would she have sex with him. She said if Chris wanted that she'd do it. She doesn't think that's what he wants though. She claims that they still have sex. She said that Chris can still get an erection at ''odd times'' but they can still get it on. At one point Jimmy just blurted out ''So what do you hop on top?''
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Dana about the upcoming hockey game and some of the celebrities that will be playing. They include people like Matthew Modine, Susan Sarandon, Chris Jericho, Rick Moranis, Stephen Baldwin and of course Gary Dell'Abate. Last year Dana sang the National Anthem and Gary ran into her later in the evening. He asked her what she does for the charity foundation that they were playing for... He had no clue that it was Christopher Reeve's wife so he sort of made a fool out of himself. She'll be singing again this year.
After Dana left Howard and Jimmy talked about how hot she was. Jimmy said he thinks she came in looking for sex because of what she was wearing. They said she's an amazing woman. A paralyzed phone caller agreed. He told Howard he met her and she was really nice. The caller said that he can still get it up himself but he doesn't feel anything so he can't complete the act. H
Francis went on to explain how the slave owners were light skinned blacks but they referred to themselves as being white. Since Francis was darker skinned, he was called black. Francis said that his owners forced him to live in a barn with the animals because he was considered an animal himself.
Howard kept trying to find out if there was anything sexual going on. He kept asking Francis if he was forced to have sex with the owner's wife or anything like that. Francis said that never happened and he never really thought about sex. He just thought about freedom.
Howard also wondered how dark Francis' skin was so he tried to get him to compare himself to people like Bryant Gumbel, Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and others. Francis wasn't sure exactly how to compare himself so Howard let him off the hook.
All of the goofy questions Howard was asking eventually got to Francis and he seemed to be getting upset. Howard said he was just trying to add some humor to the show but he eventually let up on him.
Francis said that there will be an anti-slavery march going on up in Boston sometime this month. You can find out more about that at Anti-Slavery.org
Howard finally got to the tapes and the first person up was designer Kenneth Cole. John asked him: If you could resurrect one person from history, who would it be? - Martin Luther King Jr.
Robin argued that she knew the ones that moved her and not Pollock's earlier crap. Howard kept trying to get her to pick out the pictures that didn't move her and she wouldn't do it. Robin was getting very emotional and loud with Howard. He was trying to prove a point with this whole thing but it wasn't happening. Robin finally broke down and picked number 6 as Howard's. It was actually number 3 which Fred had guessed. Howard said the painting was called ''Help''. Robin was still sounded very upset over the whole thing for no reason. Robin eventually told Howard that his painting did look like early Jackson Pollock.
A listener called in and offered Howard $1000 for the painting but Howard didn't want to give it up. Howard told the guy he was going to do a new painting that he'd give him for free. He said he's going to pleasure himself on a black canvas and he'll let the guy have it free. The guy didn't want to take him up on the offer.
Robin said she never could pick out Howard's painting. She said she just let Howard do his thing after he claimed he could paint something that would move her. She told Howard to just let her be moved by something and leave it at that. Howard said ''I won!'' to Robin a few times to quiet her down. She really didn't care though. The two of them argued about Pollock and whether or not he was talented. Robin said that Howard has to crap on everything that she likes. When she said that she liked Gregory Hines, Howard went in a bathroom and tap danced to show that anyone could do it. Now he's done this with Jackson Pollock. Howard said tomorrow he'll take a crap and it'll look like a Monet. Robin went silent for a minute. She then said that she wanted to crap on Stuttering John because he was just standing there laughing like a fool.
After taking a break Howard said that the Pollock stuff won't be on any of his TV shows. The E! people told him that they don't have rights to the paintings so they can't show them on TV. Howard wondered why that is and why people can take stuff out of his book and put it on TV like they did on MSNBC. That led to Howard talking about the MSNBC special that was done about him recently. He just watched it and it bummed him out. He said he doesn't know why shows like that bum him out but this one sure did.
Howard watched some of the David Copperfield special that was on last night and he was amazed. He said it was incredible. He described some of the tricks that Copperfield did and tried to figure out how he did them. A guy called in and said he knew how he levitated the couch. The guy explained that it's done with compressed air like an air hockey table turned upside down. Howard eventually told him he was nuts and hung up on him.
Howard was also amazed when David cut himself in half and held the bottom part of his body. Howard then described Copperfield and some kid he reunited with his father. Howard said that Copperfield and this kid vanished from the stage they were on and appeared in Hawaii all of a sudden. Robin told him he was watching tape and it was just an illusion. Howard said you have to see it though. Howard ended up hanging up on every caller that tried to explain the tricks. One guy said they used blue screens to fake the tricks and Howard hung up on him. A magician called in and said that Copperfield gets help from other magicians. He also said he buys a lot of his tricks. Howard didn't care about all of that, he said that the guy is just an amazing illusionist.
Howard moved on to talk to her about why she wants to meet Marilyn Manson. She's a huge fan and she's actually met him before. She has a tattoo of him above her ass too.
Howard told Theresa that she had to complete whatever came up on the Wheel of Sex that they have in the studio to get the chance to meet Marilyn. The wheel included things like:
Don doesn't know what he has but whatever it is works for him. Howard asked him what kind of money a good pimp can make. He said that he could make Oprah money doing what he does. He said he never went to jail and he never dealt drugs or anything. He said he likes the smell of marijuana and he hangs out with Snoop Dogg.
Don told Howard he lost his virginity at the age of 5 to his babysitter. He said it was quite an experience.
Don said at the height of his career he had 7 'hos working for him. He said he took 100% of their money but he supplied their clothes, food and shelter. He said he's the greatest pimps that ever lived.
Howard told Don about the experience Artie had in Las Vegas with the $500 whore. Artie didn't know that she was a whore until she demanded $500 after having sex with him. Don said that it's a good thing that he paid the girl because both of them went their separate ways and everybody's happy.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Don. One guy asked how he could get into the pimping career. Don asked him if he'd be willing to put his own girl to work. The caller said that won't happen so Don told him he failed the test. Howard said he wouldn't be able to do that job either because he gets very possessive with his women.
Don has a book that he wrote about how to be a pimp so Howard gave him a plug for it as he was wrapping up the interview. You can call 1-800-882-3273 to get more info.
Fred came in ready to spin the wheel. Here are the choices on the wheel:
Robin showed up late this morning too. She said she overslept because she didn't set her alarm last night.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Fred before he spun the wheel. Fred said the Xbox is for his girlfriend's kids, not for him. He said he's going to do whatever comes up on the wheel and he won't chicken out. Howard reminded everyone that Elephant Boy went through a phase in his life when he did some gay stuff so this would be a walk in the park for him even if he had to make out with Gay Ramone. Fred said that Gay Ramone isn't his type though.
High Pitch Erik came in and said that he was on a job interview on Monday. He probably didn't get the job because he was given a math test and he failed miserably. He says he really sucks at math. Howard ended up testing him asking what 20% of 120 was. He had no clue so Howard explained it to him and after a few minutes he finally got the right answer. Howard then asked him what 20% of 300 was and it took him another couple of minutes for Howard to teach him how to get the right answer.
Howard introduced Gay Ramone quickly and then Fred spun the wheel. It landed on ''Paint High Pitch Erik's package green'' so that's what he had to do. High Pitch pulled down his pants and everyone was surprised to see that he wasn't circumcised. Erik didn't even know what that meant. He said that he's Jewish so he just assumed he was circumcised. Everyone sounded grossed out by the sight of his big, fat, naked body. Elephant Boy then quickly poured some paint on Erik's package and got it over with.
Fred got the Xbox so Howard asked Erik if he was willing to win one for himself by putting a dead fish down his thong. Erik was on the show recently and got freaked out by the dead fish they had in the studio. They teased him for a few minutes and had him screaming like Mickey Mouse. He said he wasn't ready to do the fish down his pants today but he'd come back tomorrow. Gary told him that he had to do it today or never. Howard said he had to put a 40 pound cod down his thong and sit there for 5 minutes. Erik didn't want the big fish though, he wanted a smaller one. Howard went back and forth with him for quite a while and Erik never took the offer. Howard even gave him the chance to only do it for 2 minutes and he turned it down. Howard then pulled the offer off the table and sent him out of the studio.
Howard then spent a few more minutes talking about the Xbox hype. A couple of guys called in to explain to him what the big deal was all about. One guy, an Xbox product demonstrator, told Howard some of the features of the system. A couple of other guys called in to talk about how the Playstation 2 is just as good if not better than the Xbox. One guy even claimed he heard that people were returning their Xbox's because their processors were running so hot that they couldn't touch the console. Howard still didn't understand what all of the hype was about. Gary said it's just the ''new thing'' this year so lots of people want it. Howard said he'll buy one when they come out with an attachment for his penis and a set of goggles that allows him to fool around with a virtual girl.
Someone came in at one point and said that High Pitch Erik was out in the green room just about in tears because he didn't get the Xbox. He was apparently saying that Howard was a liar because the last time he was on Howard told him he could use a small fish to put down his pants. Howard said he didn't care though.
The Xbox units Howard has been giving away were courtesy of Buy.com
KC bought his girlfriend a squeaky guitar toy from the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino because he thought she was going to get another one. When he got home she didn't have a new dog but he gave her the squeaky toy anyway. KC said she's still looking to get a new dog. KC said he really did care about the dog and he's actually upset about it dying.
Howard tried getting in contact with the dog psychically as a goof. Fred played some dog barking sound effects so Howard could ''speak'' to the dog. He asked the dog, who barked once for ''yes'' and twice for ''no'', if he blames KC for his death. Of course the dog barked once. Howard also barked yes when Howard asked him if he thought KC was gay and if he's ever seen KC have gay sex.
Howard's official counter was broken so Doug Goodstein from E! had a hand held computer or calculator to do the counting. He took his stance and started off an amazing batch of farts. He was blasting more than one per second for the whole 5 minutes. Since the counter was broken KC was giving an update every 20 or so. He counted off 20, 40, 60 as Howard did a whisper commentary of what was going on. At a minute and a half Junior hit 138 farts. KC yelled out 160, 182, 200, 215... and then 225, Junior tied the record at 2 minutes and 25 seconds. Then KC gave his count... 260, 300, 320, 340, 360... by 4 minutes and 6 seconds he was at 380 farts. Then it quickly rose... 400, 420, 440, 460... at the five minute mark he'd hit an amazing 464 farts!
Junior was still very cocky about his new record. He said that Kip sucked and his record of 225 was nothing. He said that he dedicated all of these farts to Joey Ramone and Dave Grohl.
Howard took a few phone calls from fans who were impressed with his talent. People seemed amazed with what he was able to do with his ass.
Someone brought up Mr. Methane's name and Junior even badmouthed his amazing talent. He then proceeded to show Howard that he's able to blast songs out just like Mr. Methane. Howard and the crew guessed at what songs he was blasting out and got some of them correct.
After that discussion Gary came in with a list of 64 hot women that were paired up. Howard and the crew each picked their favorites to slim down the list to 32 women. That list was then slimmed down to 16, 8, 4 and then the final 2. Howard said he was thinking very clearly this morning and had answers right away. He was able to slim down the list pretty quickly. Pamela Anderson used to be Howard's favorite until this latest story came out. Howard blew her out of the competition in the first round. She lost out to Estella Warren who was in ''Planet of the Apes.'' Rebecca Romijn-Stamos stayed in the competition a lot longer than the other guys thought she should. Howard has seen her naked in his apartment so that might have something to do with it.
Howard brought it down to the final 8 which included the following:
Howard took a call from a woman who thought Howard was making fun of people with Hepatitis C but he really wasn't. This contest was just to pick the woman he'd like to bang most. Once he heard about the Hepatitis C he decided that Pamela Anderson isn't someone he'd bang anymore.
The second contestant was Chris Dyer who came out in a thong bikini. She said she used to be a Hooters girl. Her talent was clogging and duck calling. She danced around in tap shoes and then did some duck calls at the same time. Once again the audience booed.
The third contestant, Andrea, was on the show a few weeks ago as the world's hottest and dumbest stripper. She was very nervous for some reason. Gary said she was just as dumb as ever. Howard tried to fool her by telling her that Jimmy was the Vice President. Gary said he heard that she was pretty easy to get up to a room. Apparently she was getting hit on and going back to rooms with guys. She said she wasn't having sex though. Howard asked Andrea a few questions and let her show her talent by reading a poem she wrote. Everyone was booing her and heckling her. The poor girl just kept going. Gary the Retard yelled out that he thought she should win the pageant.
The fourth contestant Jaime Jornt is the daughter of one of the father-son teams that tried to win sex earlier in the show. Howard spoke to her for a short time about her family and how wacky they are. Her mother and father are cool with letting each other have some fun on the side once in a while. Jaime said that she has been a fan of Howard's since she was 12 or so. She sang Pink's ''Get This Party Started'' for the talent portion of her appearance. She had new lyrics which included Howard's name.
The fifth and final contestant was Amber. Howard said she's a lesbian and she has 3 way's with women all the time. Howard spoke to her for a few minutes and even met her wife who was as close to a man as possible according to Gary. Her talent was queefing or making fart sounds with her private parts. She demonstrated that talent for everyone by getting down on a pillow and making her queef sounds along to some music.
After meeting all of the contestants Howard had everyone vote on their favorite. Here's how the voting went... Adam, Robin and Artie all picked Amber as their favorite. Howard's girlfriend Beth picked Jaime. Howard, Fred and Joe Francis all picked Andrea the dumb stripper as their favorite which made it a tie between Amber and Andrea. Jimmy Kimmel was the tie breaker. He thought about it a while and said that the queefing is a talent but it won't last 9 years like the previous Miss Howard Stern so he had to go with Andrea. Andrea won $10,000, the title of Miss Howard Stern and a trip to Paris courtesy of TravelWorm.com. Howard sang to her and congratulated her. All Andrea could say was a very small-voiced, funny sounding ''thank-you.''
| Question | Caller Says | Stripper Answer | Correct? |
| What is Al Gore's wife's name? | N | Helen | N |
| Who discovered electricity? | N | Thomas Edison | N |
| Who found the cure for Polio? | N | Some unique doctor | N |
| Question | Stripper Answer | Correct? |
| How many candles are on a Minora | Twelve | N |
| What letter comes after Y in the alphabet? | Z | Y |
| Who invented the light bulb? | Thomas Edison | Y |
| How many states are in the USA? | Fifty | Y |
| What President spent more than 2 terms in office? | Kennedy | N |
| What President is on the $5 bill? | Jefferson | N |
| Who was the third President of the US? | Jefferson | Y |
| How many senators are in the Senate? | Seventy two | N |
| How many senators represent each state? | One | N |
| What is the square root of 64? | Eight | Y |
| What is the capital of California? | Los Angeles | N |
| What is the capital of New York? | Manhattan | N |
| What is the capital of Maryland? | Baltimore | N |
| What is 20% of $200? | Point two oh | N |
| What temperature is freezing? | Thirty two degrees | Y |
| Name both New York Senators. | D'Amato and.. I don't know the other | N |
| What is the sun, a moon, planet, star or plant? | Star | |
| What month are taxes due? | April 15th | Y |
| How many holes are in a game of golf? | Eighteen | Y |
| How many people are in a quartet? | Four | Y |
| How did JFK Jr. Die? | He was assassinated by James Earl Ray | N |
| What food group is corn in? | It's a starch but it's considered a vegetable | Y |
| What number is Black Jack? | Eight | N |
| How many clitorises do you have? | One | Y |
| How many weeks are in a year? | Sixty four | N |
| What name is Abe short for? | Abraham | Y |
| Name the pro basketball team in New Jersey. | Knicks | N |
| How many days are in a year? | 360 or maybe 362 or 364 | N |
| What animal is Pork? | Pig | Y |
Howard talked to Michelle a little bit about how she got into the business but then accidentally found out that she may have been in a romantic relationship with her movie co-star Vin Diesel. Howard ended up spending most of the segment talking to her about that whole thing but she was kind of secretive about whether or not they actually had sex. She said that they're ''totally hanging out'' with each other now and they got to be good friends on the set of ''The Fast and the Furious''. Howard tried his best to find out if and when they had sex for the first time but Michelle kept quiet about all of that.
Mike Walker called in to play his game and he told Howard he did a good job getting as much info out of Michelle about her relationship with Vin. Howard thinks that the story will be showing up in the National Enquirer in the near future.
Howard eventually moved on to play the game with Mike and the rest of the crew. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard spent a few more minutes with Michelle talking about the movie and taking phone calls. The callers were upsetting Michelle once in a while so Howard had to hit the delay when she'd curse at them. She was mixing it up with the callers pretty good though. Howard told her she was a great guest after talking to her for a while.
Michelle told Howard that she'll be doing ''The Vagina Monologs'' in New York City for a while. Howard saw the play and said it was very good. He said he learned a few things after seeing it. One of the things he learned was that you're supposed to compliment women on how good their vaginas look. He asked Michelle to show hers so he could tell her how pretty it was but that wasn't about to happen.