Howard thinks that it might be time to change the opening music for the show. He thinks the song ''Great American Nightmare'' might be too much for people and he's given up hope of the song becoming a number 1 hit. Artie thinks it's kind of like the tonight show theme song of his show but Howard seems to think it's a little too harsh for someone to hear first thing in the morning. He was still eating his breakfast as the show was starting so he talked about how people complain about him eating on the air. He has no choice because he gets in so early and doesn't have time to get it down before he starts the show.
Howard went on to talk about an article he read in the paper over the weekend about what people who can't afford food actually eat. He mentioned that some people boil leather from furniture and eat that. He said that they also say that people don't have to eat for up to 40 days at a time. That led to the guys talking about Robin's fasting and if she still does that. Robin said she did that last week and didn't have any food all week last week. Howard read that over in Sudan they eat grasshoppers but they call them ''flying shrimp.'' The reporter also wrote that people eat mudd that they turn into pancake looking meals.
Artie said he woke up at 3 in the morning and had 2 slices of sicilian pizza and a half a can of icing from a cupcake kit his girlfriend bought for him. He said he couldn't feel worse after eating that stuff. Howard asked Artie how many times he moves his bowels each day. Artie said it's about twice a day. Howard said that since he started dieting and losing weight he doesn't go more than once every 3 days or so.
Howard and the guys talked about The Sopranos since it was so good last night. Robin didn't want to hear about it though because she hadn't seen it. Howard was saying they made up for the crappy episode they had the week before. Howard didn't get into details since Robin hadn't seen the show yet. He, Artie and Gary all said it was a great episode but that was about it.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One woman called in and said that the opening theme song it a little bit much for someone first thing in the morning. She said that your day is just starting and trying to wake up and that song hits you. Howard and the caller continued to talk about some stuff that's in the news lately about President Bush. He fell off his bicycle over the weekend and the caller thought that was kind of funny. They talked about Bush for a couple of minutes and then Howard went to commercial break.
Howard was tired from his weekend so Robin thought he was partying all weekend or something. He said he just stayed up late to watch The Sopranos last night, that's why he's so tired.
Howard told the guys a story about how he had sex with Beth out in Las Vegas at one point and used a Durex condom. When he was done he threw it in the toilet like he always does. The next morning he saw that it was still in the toilet and it was full of water and it wouldn't go down no matter how many times he flushed it. He kept flushing it and it wouldn't go down. He decided to pee and try to change the position of it so it would go down. He didn't want to tell Beth about it and gross her out so he decided to handle it himself. Nothing worked though. He thought he might have to fish it out of the toilet but there was nothing there he could use. He decided to get a hanger to get it out. He got one from the closet and it took him like 10 minutes to fish it out. He eventually got it out and threw it in the garbage after wrapping it up in a plastic bag. Howard said he didn't know what to do with the hanger after using it to fish out the condom. He hung it back up and thought it was just wrong. It didn't fit in the trash can because it was so big. It wasn't a wire hanger either, it was a nice wood hanger.
Howard moved on and asked Robin about her chigger bites. He said a friend of his was telling him that those bites last for 20 days. Robin said hers have been going down a bit so she's not worried about it.
A listener called in and said that Howard was being bleeped during that condom discussion. Howard wondered what it was that was getting censored out. Gary told him that nothing was censored in New York. The caller was from Philadelphia though so they have a different guy hitting the button on him down there. That led to Howard talking about the FCC and the ridiculous fines that have come down on his show and others lately. Now they've held back on more fines lately, perhaps because of the upcoming election. Howard said that they should be fining these people who are mistreating prisoners of war. They talked about that stuff for a couple of minutes.
Howard took a call from another caller who said that there was no dump in Philly. Howard complained about how he can't talk about anything anymore anyway so it's over for him. The Board Op from Philly called in a minute later and said that nothing was dumped down there. Howard went on to say ''Don't dump me, dump Bush.'' He thought that was a pretty good saying and maybe they should put that on a bumper sticker or something. He talked about how Bush is on vacation once again and he can't understand how anyone could vote for him. He's been a slacker all of his life and it's going to take 10 years to clean up his mess once he's replaced.
A phone caller said that Howard's show has been going down hill since all of this FCC stuff has started. He said the show has become too political lately. Howard said that's not true and last week was a lot of stuff that wasn't political.
Howard said Jimmy is bad about stealing stuff from them but Jay Leno is the worst. He said that Stuttering John has been stealing some of their bits as well. They did a thing with a roulette bet where the whole audience was included in the bet. The only thing was that they continued playing until they won so the whole audience got 2 bucks in winnings.
Howard doesn't believe that he'll be remembered for much of anything in 30 years but Gary thinks he'll be remembered like Lenny Bruce or Earnie Kovacs is remembered. That led to the guys talking more about how lame Jay Leno is. One of the biggest bits Leno is known for these days is his Jay Walking bit which is something they stole from Howard. It's the homeless game that they've been playing on Howard's show for many years. Howard was invited on the Tonight Show while they were out in Vegas and he turned it down. He said he should have gone on and confronted Jay on all of the stuff he's stolen from his show.
Howard said the Jimmy Kimmel BINGO thing was a little creepy as well. Gary knows that they'd say that they didn't invent the game of BINGO and they'd defend it somehow even though they had just done the BANGO thing the week before.
Howard talked about his general manager Tom Chiusano and how he just upsets him and causes him to lose concentration when he comes in the studio. He's trying to prepare for the rest of the show but Tom is in there staring at him waiting to tell him a story about some guy he met on vacation who said he knows Howard. Howard had never heard of the guy and he didn't need Tom telling him that story during the break while he was trying to figure out what he was going to do for the rest of the show. Howard still didn't know what he was talking about so he asked Gary and Fred if they knew what the story was about. Gary knew some of the story so he filled Howard in on some of it and he couldn't believe that's what he was bothering him about it. Tom told him about this guy he met and how he knew Howard but Howard didn't know the name.
Gary seems to think that Tom coming in was kind of his way of letting Howard know he was back in town. He was away for a couple of days last week and he thinks that might have just been him coming in to let Howard know he was back. Tom came in again and asked Howard to just move on from this bit and do other stuff. Howard asked him why he was in there during that break. Tom said it was kind of his way of letting him know he was back in town. Howard told him that he wouldn't let the General Manager from Philly or from Cleveland to just walk in and talk to him during the break so Tom shouldn't be allowed to just walk in like that.
Tom and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the fire drills they do there at the station. They're trying to get them moved so Howard won't be bothered by them anymore. Howard had to take a break after that.
Al Roker was at the premiere as well so Gary talked about him. He said even though Al has lost a lot of weight, he still has a big belly. The guys talked about Al for a couple of minutes. Gary told Howard that there are a lot of kids and grownups running around in Wizard outfits at the premiere. He said it was a pretty weird scene. Howard had to go to break again and as they did, Fred played that clip of Leelee's awful poem from the Tonight Show.
High Pitch seems to think that her mother would let her get married to him if he asked. Howard said he'd let Wendy know about that when she calls in again. He told Gary to see if he could make that happen.
Howard took some more phone calls after that. One guy said that Erik should leave Wendy alone because we all know that he wants KC, not Wendy. Another caller said he went to see Jackie Mason down in Atlantic City over the weekend and he mentioned Howard's name a few times during his act. They spent a couple of minutes on that and then moved on to some other stuff.
A guy from San Francisco called in and said that he was accused of setting fired to his high school gym when he was 17. He claims that he never did anything and he as innocent. He was trying to make a point about how much worse his high school experience was than Howard's was. Howard ended up hanging up on him because he was bored with the whole thing.
Howard took another call that he had to dump out of because the guy cursed. He wondered why they let that guy through all the time because he always ends up cursing and he's just retarded.
Howard talked about how there are certain people out there who get a free ride for some reason. People like Jon Stewart who gets all kinds of praise for his show like it's the funniest thing on TV. Howard used him as an example as well as David Letterman for his shows after 9/11. Howard said this guy Ray Romano is the same thing. He and Robin have never been able to sit through one of his shows but he gets praise like no one else. There was an article that Howard read about ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' and their last episode of the season. They make it sound like it's the funniest show ever in the article. Artie said he has to see this episode after hearing about it in this article.
Trying out all this week for Stuttering John's job is comedian Shuli (RenegadeComedy.com) who has been calling into the show for years. Howard quickly mentioned that and took a call from a guy who talked about Jackie Mason for a short time. He also asked Howard about the E! uncensored video he was supposed to put out. Howard told the caller that he will have a big announcement about that coming up in the near future. He said he has rethought the whole project and will have an announcement about it soon. The caller then asked Howard a question about a comic book series that Howard wasn't able to answer. Howard asked the guy if he still lives at home with his parents. He said he does and he's 44 years old! The guy said he actually lives with his father and cooks for him. He said his mother has passed on and is no longer there.
Howard mentioned the band Velvet Revolver again and said he thinks it should be interesting to talk to all of those guys. They do some Guns N Roses stuff, some Stone Temple Pilots stuff and their own, new stuff as well.
Howard needed to ask the audience about a certain part of ''The Sopranos'' but Robin hadn't seen it yet so she had to leave. Robin went out for a couple of minutes so Howard could talk about it. He said that there was one scene where Tony told Drea De Matteo's character to go somewhere. He wondered if she knew at that time that she was going to be whacked. Howard and the guys tried to figure that out for a couple of minutes. They were analyzing some of the other stuff that was on the show this past week and who they think will be the next person to be whacked. Gary went back out to get Robin after the guys were done talking about the main parts of the show. Howard told Robin that they all pleasured themselves while she was out. Howard said it felt a little bit weird not to have Robin in there while they talked about the show. Dominic Barbara called in and started to talk about the show again so Robin had to run out.
A couple of other callers had some things to say about the show before Robin came back in. Howard told her that the episode was probably one of the best yet. One guy told Howard about the cast of ''The Sopranos'' doing a celebrity softball game and how most of them were too good to come up and say hello to the crowd. Some of them came up and signed autographs but not the main characters. He said that he got to hang with Howard and the crowd out in Vegas a couple of years ago no problem. That led to them talking more about the show in general and how they have a lot of people on that show who don't get jobs in show business much but they brag that they were in the show. Then you find out they were in just one scene or something like that. Howard had to take another break after talking about that for a short time.
Howard read some mail about him liking the Hoobastank song ''The Reason.'' That led to Howard talking about Vinnie Favale and how he called in claiming his songs are just as good as the Hoobastank song. Howard played some of the lame stuff that Vinnie and his buddy Tom Gesimondo put together. Howard said one of their production guys took one of their songs and tried to put it to music. He played that and it didn't sound much better with music than it did without.
Howard had Wendy the Retard and High Pitch Erik on the phone. He let Erik propose to her like he wanted to do earlier in the morning. Wendy told him ''Not yet'' and that she has to think about it first. She told Erik that she has to talk to her mother about it first. She said that she might marry him if her mother is okay with it. She told Howard she has another boyfriend, Billy, at the bowling alley. She would have to talk to him first as well. Wendy said that he's her ''retarded boyfriend'' at the bowling alley.
Howard was going to play Shuli's song parody but he wasn't sure he'd have time. He was going to bring in Velvet Revolver but quickly played his song parody which to the tune of Elton John's ''Benny and the Jets.'' The song was about Robin's diarrhea problem from her vacation a while back. It was called ''Robin Crapped her Pants'' and the delay was hit multiple times while Howard was playing it. He was going to get to Velvet Revolver but Fred told him he had to take a break first. Howard talked about the band for a minute and said that he was looking forward to hearing them. He took a quick break after that so he could get to the band.
Howard said he was listening to the band during the break and they sounded great during rehearsal. Howard talked to Scott Weiland for a short time. He said the last time he talked to Scott he was in Stone Temple Pilots. He's had some trouble with drugs and the band didn't want to deal with that. Matt Soren and Slash told Howard about their run ins with rehab. Duff also told Howard that he's been in rehab as well. He was in the hospital because his pancreas blew up. He did a lot of coke, pills and alcohol. Howard asked them if they're all straight now. There really wasn't a straight answer but Scott said they are clean right now and that allows them to go on the road as a band and perform. Scott said he's never going back into rehab again because he's not going to get loaded again. Howard said Scott tells him that every time he comes on the show though so he doesn't believe it. Scott claims that he kicked the habit about a year ago and he's done.
Scott told Howard that he and his wife have not gotten divorced like Howard thought they had. He said they decided not to do that and stuck together. She has demanded that he not do the drugs anymore and that's what's helped him out. Slash told Howard that he's been married and divorced and married again. He has another kid on the way as well. Howard talked to him about that and about the Guns N Roses break up. Slash told Howard about that.
Scott told Howard about Stone Temple Pilots and why they have broken up. He said he had to go over and talk to the guys in STP because they were working in the same studio at one point when Velvet Revolver was recording their album. They made up and cleared the air so things are okay between them. Scott hasn't heard from them in about 7 months but there is no animosity between them at this point. Scott said he doesn't know if STP will ever get back together again and doesn't see that happening at any point. He thinks that he will close out his rock and roll life with this band Velvet Revolver.
Gary came in and asked the guys from Guns N Roses if they saw Axl on the MTV awards a couple of years ago. Slash never saw it but Duff saw it about a year after it happened. Duff said he was in school at the time and hadn't seen it. Slash said he got some phone calls after it happened but he didn't see it. He said that when he left the band it was still kind of cool so he didn't want to ruin it by watching it.
Scott told Howard that he has to do a urinalysis on every show day so he really can't go back on drugs. He's under a court order to get tested all the time. Howard and Scott talked about their drug use and who's more of a mess when they're on drugs.
Slash and the guys said that they would never work with Axl again no matter what. Slash said that he hasn't seen Axl since the day he quit the band. Slash says that there will never be a reunion. They've been offered a lot of money to get back together but that's not going to happen. All of the guys seem to be happy together in Velvet Revolver and that's where they're staying.
The guys said that they were going to perform their current single ''Slither'' acoustically because they weren't sure if they'd be able to do it the regular way in that studio. Howard told them it would probably sound better acoustically anyway because they have problems at that station with sound quality. The guys then performed their song and sounded great. Howard said he really has to get in a band after hearing that. Scott wasn't having fun because his headphones weren't on during the song. He said if he sounded good, it was all by accident. Scott said he wasn't mad at Howard, it wasn't his fault.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to the guys about writing their songs and how that all works. Scott told Howard how they'll come up with some riffs and work with them to create their songs. They have a warehouse they work out of up in North Hollywood. They use that as a rehearsal space and a recording studio.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy said this was the greatest band out there right now. He said he's going to see them in Philly later this week. Another caller asked if the band will be performing any songs from GNR and STP. Scott said they do cover a couple of those songs in their concert. Howard told them that their band coming together is like Carmen Electra and Pam Anderson merging into one person. Another caller spoiled The Sopranos for Robin when he blurted out that Drea De Matteo's character was whacked on the show last night.
Artie asked Duff about his pancreas blowing up and how that gets repaired. Duff said that it healed itself but there are a lot of guys who die from that problem so he lucked out. A woman called in and told the band how great they are and thanked Scott for stopping to sign an autograph for her the other night. Howard figured she must have been pretty hot for Scott to have signed one.
A caller asked the guys from Guns N Roses why they're suing Axl if they're just trying to move on. Duff told Howard that they never sold their rights to the songs and Axl is somehow blocking the use of those songs in cool movies like ''Black Hawk Down.'' There was a delay hit during that discussion so we missed the end of it.
Howard took a couple more phone calls and then wrapped up the segment. You can find out more about Velvet Revolver's upcoming tour at VelvetRevolver.com. Their album hits stores on June 8th. Scott wished him luck in his battle with the FCC. Scott said that he's had his own battles against them with the release of this new album. He said that he's never had so many problems with them in the 10 years he was with Stone Temple Pilots. He said even stuff like the video for the ''Slither'' song was giving them problems. Howard was talking to them a little more but they kept cursing so the delay was hit multiple times. The guys were talking about how they're all worth a lot of money but they're really not playing because of that. They're the ''pure musician types'' who play just to play. Scott said you look back on what you spent money on foolishly and regret it. He said he almost gave his money away when he was a young guy in a band. Matt said that he always got drugs for free so he doesn't know why people think they blew all of their money on that stuff. Howard wrapped up after that quick discussion and went to break.
Shuli came in a minute later and said that he thought that Scott had given them a CD but it was a misunderstanding. Scott had told Ronnie the Limo Driver that he'd given them a CD but he was just joking around with him and Shuli thought he was serious. Scott told Howard that he was asked not to do that anymore so he hasn't done it since.
A listener told Howard that he was pissed that he let the caller through earlier who spoiled The Sopranos. He told him that he's responsible for hitting that button on stuff like that. Howard said he's done hitting the button on these days so he just lets Tom and Dead Air Dave take care of that stuff.
Howard had tape of Anna Nicole Smith being interviewed on Sharon Osbourne's show. George Lopez was on the show with her and brought up her fight with Howard. She described what happened to her the time she was on the show when they tried to weigh her in. She was saying that she was trying to get back on the show but wouldn't let her in with her cameras so Howard was ''booby trapping'' her again. Howard said that he doesn't have a feud with her but she's the one going around saying that they do. He said he just told her she's fat when she was fat and that was it. When she came back to try and get on the show again, she brought cameras with her that were not allowed in the station so they made a big deal about it and ran off. He said she's mentally ill in a big, big way and she will eventually get fat again.
During the news someone called in and used clips of Artie to create a conversation with Howard. He used clips of Artie's phone calls to the show when he was drunk the Monday and Tuesday before the Las Vegas Shows aired. Howard had some fun with that for a couple of minutes and then let ''Artie'' go. The guy was pretty quick on the button and was able to create a pretty entertaining discussion with Howard.
Howard said he has to go back to Cleveland because there was a great strip club out there called The Flats. He said that it was the best club he'd ever been to other than Scores of course. He said that just about every stripper was claiming to have been the girlfriend of Trent Reznor who was big at the time. Robin wrapped up her news shortly after that quick discussion.
Howard said he got a lot of mail from people telling him to keep the theme song he's been using for a few years now. He was thinking about changing it yesterday. He read some other e-mail about Robin not watching The Sopranos on time like the rest of the crew. They were upset that she had to walk off the show so she wouldn't hear what happened on it. In one mail someone called Robin the N-word because of it. Howard went on to talk about how strange that word is and how people still use it these days. He said when he hears the word it still catches him off guard to this day.
Howard read some more mail he got about The Sopranos, Jimmy Kimmel ripping off Howard by playing BINGO on his show and some other stuff. Gary came in and said he knew that people were going to say stuff like that but he wonders why they didn't play it before they did if it wasn't a rip off. One person wrote in and complained about Shuli who is trying out for John's job this week. Another person asked why they never talk about Artie's bald spot. Howard and the guys have mentioned it in the past and Howard said he can't talk about something like that every day.
Someone wrote in about the Vinnie Favale song they've been playing lately and complained about how creepy it is. Fred played a bunch of the clips from Vinnie Favale's love tape and then replayed the creepy song that the writer was complaining about. Robin heard it again and said that it sounds like two mental cases singing together. In the audio clip you hear Vinnie Favale from CBS and Tom Gesimondo singing their lyrics with no music in the background. Someone at Howard's station took that tape and put music to it but it didn't help. It still sounded awful. Howard said he's going to try and get the band Hoobastank to perform the song live when they come in.
A writer asked Howard to post the awful Leelee Sobieski poem that they play on the air once in a while. Howard said that's his favorite poem and had Fred play it for him. Leelee was on Jay Leno's show after 9/11 and read her dopey poem for him. Fred added some music in the background so the guys could goof on it for a short time. They played with that and with the Vinnie and Tom G. Tape a little more.
Howard read some mail about Velvet Revolver's appearance on the show yesterday. He read through some of that mail. There were some people who liked them and some who thought they sucked.
Howard read some more mail about the opening theme song from some people who want him to keep it. Some people think it's a signature song that lets them know that Howard is still there. Howard said he's going to keep the song because of the mail he's gotten about it.
Howard talked about Tom Chiusano coming in and ruining the show as he has been doing a lot lately. He said he likes Tom but he ruins the show too much. He was thinking about what it would be like to go fishing with him out in Montana. He thought he might like doing something like that but then thought about it and said he probably wouldn't. He wouldn't be able to kill the fish. Howard said he doesn't want to ''know'' the food he's eating. He said he has fished in the past and it's fun to reel them in but then you feel bad for them. He said he knows that it's a pussy move but that's the way he feels. He joked that he likes to hit animals with his car. He said he has never actually hit an animal with his car but there's still time for that. Robin told Howard about how she hit a dog one time when it ran out in front of her. She said the dog ended up getting up and ran away. She didn't bother to run after it since it seemed to be okay.
Howard mentioned that the band Hoobastank is going to be on tomorrow as well as Dennis Rodman. Today they have Tom Arnold and Rodney Dangerfield coming in. Howard had to take his first break after mentioning that quickly.
Howard saw that Regis and Kelly have Avril Lavigne on their show today. He said he would have had her on his show if she wanted to come on. He wasn't sure if she'd come on his show though. That led to him talking about how John Kerry turned him down for an interview on his ABC interview special. Now he says he's trying to get Mel Gibson and his father so they can come on and talk about the Jews. He talked about how so many other celebrities avoid his show... everyone except Tom Arnold and Rodney Dangerfield that is.
Howard wondered how many years Rodney has left. He said he thought he was going to pass away last year when he had some medical problems and he never got to write him a note saying goodbye. Now he's back and coming on the show so he's going to say his goodbye's today. He just wants to tell him how much he's going to miss him when he's dead. That led to the guys talking about the late Henny Youngman and how he was great right up until he died. Artie said he saw him wheeled out in a wheelchair at one comedy show he saw and he killed.
Howard was talking about this ABC special he has and how he still has to find some guests to appear on it with him. He said he was going to have David Letterman on with him but he dicked him around and backed out. Howard wanted to go interview Dave at his house so he could talk to his girlfriend about their kid and stuff like that. He said he's looking forward to doing this special. He heard that Denzel Washington was interested in doing the interview but Howard didn't think he was big enough.
Howard mentioned this movie that's coming out called ''Sky Captian'' that's not getting much play. He wanted to interview the cast of the movie which includes Angelina Jolie. He said they turned him down. Gary came in and told Howard that he's tried to get some people on the show lately and no one is returning his calls. Howard and Gary spent a couple of minutes talking about how they've had to turn down guests that refuse to talk about certain things. He said that Yasmine Bleeth's people didn't want her doing the show because there were certain things they didn't want Howard talking about with her.
Howard said that Barbara Walters gets around all of that crap by avoiding the big stories in the interview but then brings out all of the bad stuff when she talks up the interview. That led to the guys talking about how most talk shows rely on guests to make their shows because they have nothing else to fill that time. Howard has to come up with interesting stuff to fill his 4-5 hours a day. That led to Howard talking about how Ellen DeGeneres and Wayne Brady both won daytime Emmy's for their awful shows. Howard also played tape of the creepy Wayne Brady singing a song to Sharon Osbourne.
Artie talked about some stories that he's heard about Wayne Brady and how strange he is when it comes to doing comedy shows. Howard continued to play the creepy song that Brady was singing about Sharon Osbourne. Gary seems to think that Wayne is one of those guys who likes to hear himself sing and that's why he goes on and on. Howard wondered who can watch this guy's show... Then he realized that no one does because his show has been canceled. He continued to play some more of Wayne's singing and goofed on him for a short time.
A woman called in from Philadelphia and said she wanted to get a bunch of strippers together for him to march in Washington D.C. Howard ended up hanging up on her within a few seconds because she was so annoying. He goofed on her voice and said that when you talk to a stripper without seeing her it's tough to take. He suggested that guys talk to women on the phone before they go out with them. After talking about that for a minute he took another break.
Howard had an audio clip he was going to play but he didn't know the name of the guy who was speaking in it. He asked Gary to find out who it was so he could mention it. Gary told him there was no name there but it turns out they had the name of the guy being questioned, they didn't have the name of the guy asking the question. Howard said it was some press guy by the name of Scott McClelland being asked about Howard Stern. Someone asked him about Howard's FCC fines and if the press could some day be taken off the air for their political views. Howard said there was a lot of disturbing things in the clip. The guy asking the question was making it sound like he was okay with Howard being fined for his ''obscenities'' but he wanted to make sure nothing was going to happen to his show. It turns out it's this guy Bill Plant from CBS news who was asking the questions. Howard said that Bush and his people think that he has done obscene stuff on his show but Bush lies to the public and still has his job. Howard believes that the guy should be impeached for what he's done. He also brought up the FCC and how they refuse to fine Oprah Winfrey for having conversations that are more graphic than discussions he's had on his show. He said Bush is busy riding his bicycle and crashing while there's still a war going on over in Iraq.
Howard brought up the whole Iraq thing and talked about what a mess that country will be once we leave. He thinks that those gangsters over there will take over once again once we leave. Howard says that he would declare Iraq a disaster if he were elected President. He would also stick Saddam Hussein back in charge to get those people under control over there. They're already putting some of his people back in charge. Then Howard says he would start to close off our borders and get out the illegal immigrants in this country. He believes that he would be the greatest President of all time. He would fire all of the people at the INS and he'd clear out the whole country. He'd take the money going into the war and put it into schools and stuff like that. Then he would take all of the Clear Channel radio stations and give them back to the people. He went off on Lowry Mays (the head of Clear Channel) and pointed out that he doesn't pay his bills.
Howard calmed down and played some audio clips he had. Star Jones was on ''The View'' telling their viewers that they could vote on her hairdo and which one she should use when she gets married. Howard took a break after talking about that for a short time.
Tom told Howard that when he would drink he would do blow as well so he can't do either. Tom said he was there to do an intervention with Artie and try to stop him from drinking so much. He went on to tell Artie that he's got this great job and he's going to screw it up if he keeps drinking. He said he's there for him if he wants to talk at any time. Artie told Tom that he was actually part of an intervention recently and tried to get a guy to stop drinking. He told Howard and Tom how he had to write a letter to this guy and you have to end it with ''are you willing to get help?'' and if they say ''no'' then you go on to the next letter.
Tom told the guys that they did some interventions with Chris Farley but he ended up dying. Tom told Artie, once again, that he was there for him. The guys talked about how out of control Artie was out in Vegas and how he had to leave. Artie says that the real reason he left wasn't because of his drinking, it was because of the gambling. His gambling was out of control.
Artie talked about the intervention he had when he was working on Mad TV. The guys ended up changing subjects and brought up Snoop Dogg who has just announced that he's getting divorced. They got back to Tom after that and found out that he's been trying to have a baby with his wife but they're not having any luck. He had acupuncture on his balls and stuff like that. He said he has a low sperm count and he can't make that happen. He's thinking about artificial insemination and even about adoption. Howard told him that he'd be a great father for a black kid.
Tom talked about the house he and his wife own and how they're remodeling it. He said it's going to be about 2 million bucks to remodel it. It would have cost less to build a new one instead. He said the house cost him like $3 million to buy it and he's putting in another $2 million. He said his wife is kind of out of control with what she's putting into it. He lives next door to Shaquille O'Neil so that helps out with resale value. Tom said that he hangs out with Shaq once in a while. He also has neighbors like John Fogarty, Tom Jones, Christina Aguilera and others. He said he almost ran over Brian Wilson who was walking around in his bath robe one night at midnight. Tom also said he has seen Tom Jones dancing around in his g-string in the neighborhood.
Tom told Howard that Jeremy Shockey sent his best. He said he had him on his TV show last night. Jeremy told him that they lost Howard's show down in Miami where he's staying and he called up the radio station and threatened them after they did that. Tom said that he wants to come back on the show and talk to Howard again.
Howard noticed that Tom's hair plugs were looking pretty good. Tom told him that's because they're individual hair plugs instead of the big 30 hair plugs that most people get. Howard sounded kind of impressed by that. Tom said that he doesn't worry about the hair and he's had the plugs for about 10 years now. Artie has a big bald spot so Tom told him he should get it done. They do a scalp reduction which would be like getting a face lift at the same time. Artie wondered if there was any fault of his that they hadn't covered today.
Tom talked to Howard about working with Snoop Dogg. Tom told Howard that he's the nicest guy around. He said there was a lot of controversy with him but he really is a nice guy. Tom is doing some other movies that are coming up as well. He's doing pretty well for himself. Howard gave Tom a few more plugs for his TV show and the movie he's got coming out.
Howard took some phone calls for Tom after that. Zolar called in and asked Tom if he was on drugs because he was crazy. Tom said he's actually calmer when he's on drugs. Zolar asked him to give him a call when he goes back on drugs because he'd like to party with him.
Howard had Tom play a quick game of F***, Marry, Kill. He gave him the choices of Roseanne, Oprah and a Moose. Tom said he'd kill the moose, marry Oprah and F*** Roseanne. He said he's already been married to Roseanne so he doesn't need to go there again. He did talk about how much she helped him out though and said he owes her a debt of gratitude.
A listener called in and asked Tom about how he almost killed Shaq one time when he almost ran over him one night in their neighborhood. Tom said he couldn't see him walking because it was so dark out. He said he saw the lights on his cell phone glowing in the darkness so he thought it looked like a building. He thought it would have been the worst career move if he had been the one to have killed Shaq.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls and let some more people talk to Tom. People were asking him about his relationship with Roseanne and if he had ever had anal sex with her. Tom said he doesn't think he ever did that but she may have done that to him. Howard wrapped up the interview after that. He gave Tom another plug for ''The Best Damn Sports Show Period'' and went to break... after taking a deep breath trying to recover from Tom's fast talking.
Howard had to get rid of her because she kept rambling and he had to get to Rodney. He doesn't believe that she could possibly be hot. He told her to come in and get beaten by a fish if she's not good looking. She wanted to be beaten by the fish no matter what so Howard said she could come in. She claims that she looks like either Christina Aguilera, Courtney Love or Debbie Harry when she was younger. Howard said her face is probably so busted you'll want to hit her in the face with the fish.
Howard took a call from Henry Hill who claimed to be training for the chance to beat up Chuck Zito. Howard said Henry sounded drunk and told him he was nuts thinking he could beat up Chuck Zito. Howard said Chuck could beat him up with one hand tied behind his back. Henry was all fired up over Zito because he showed up to a book signing of Chuck's and was told to get out of there because he's a rat. Howard told Henry he's not fighting anybody and got him off the phone so he could talk to Rodney Dangerfield.
Rodney told Howard that he has more heart surgery coming up soon. He's had that done before and also had brain surgery. Howard heard about the brain surgery from Jim Carrey around the time that it was going on. Then he decided not to call him because he was afraid Rodney would think he was calling because he was dying. Rodney told Howard to call no matter what because he doesn't mind either way. Rodney went on to talk about his book. Howard said he read it and it made Rodney's life seem pretty sad. Rodney told Howard about some of the stuff that went on in his life. His mother never hugged or kissed him the whole time he was growing up. Howard said he wanted to hug him after hearing that. Rodney said he ended up okay even after that so it's not that big of a deal.
Howard asked Rodney about his father after that. He respected him because he married his mother even though she wasn't that nice of a person. He got along with his father okay even though he only saw him for 2 hours a year. Howard didn't know how he could say that he was a good guy even though he didn't spend any time with him. Rodney kept bringing up the fact that he married his mother because he knocked her up. Rodney says that he is able to have a relationship with his kids but it's tough because of their attitudes toward him. He said that the kids don't mean to give him a hard time, they just do because they're kids.
Rodney didn't want to get into stories about his kids because he'd feel guilty about doing that. He said he just went to dinner with his daughter the other night. He said he just doesn't like the way they think sometimes. He told Howard he did everything for his mother and had to work to make money for himself. He said she never gave him any money.
Howard wondered what FOX is going to do with the rights to the book. They're apparently going to make it into a movie. Howard and Robin wondered who would play the part of Rodney. Rodney said that they need to find some kids to play the younger kids, and then the 20-50 year old Rodney. Rodney said he would play himself in the later years of course.
Howard said that Rodney is a legal marijuana smoker so Howard asked him if he'd like to light up right there in the studio. Rodney said he has a lot of problems that the pot helps take care of. Rodney said he smokes quite a bit of the stuff at this point and he feels that it's always the right time to smoke it. Rodney said the hard part is to find the pot. He said his doctors have told him not to smoke cigarettes and that pot is okay. He's been smoking the stuff since he was 21 years old.
Howard brought up another part of Rodney's book. Rodney claims that at the age of 5 there was a guy who would pay him a nickel so he'd sit on his lap so he could kiss him. Rodney said that he did it for the nickel and the guy told him not to tell anyone about it. The guy would kiss him for 5 minutes and give him the nickel. That was big money back then and he was doing it every day. He doesn't remember the guy touching him at all, it was just kissing.
Howard gave Rodney a plug for his book ''It's Not Easy Bein' Me : A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs'' which is available today. He was going to take some phone calls but Rodney accidentally called him Harold.
Rodney talked about the upcoming surgery he has scheduled. They have to replace one of the valves in his heart with a pig valve. Howard asked him if he believes in an afterlife. Rodney said he doesn't and asked if a gorilla comes back. Rodney also talked about how he never really was happy in his life unless he creating something. He said he's a perfectionist and he has suffered because of that.
Howard and Rodney continued to talk about the afterlife thing. Rodney said that he's an atheist all the way because he's a logical man and he doesn't believe in any of that.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked why we have to hear about all of the sad stuff in Rodney's life because he's such a comedic genius. Rodney said that it was because of the huge advance he got to write the book. Vinnie Favale called in and said that there's a great article in Entertainment Weekly about Rodney. He said that he seems happy when he's performing music. He recorded a music CD. Howard had him sing a little bit but Rodney didn't think he could sing all that well there in the studio.
A couple of phone callers asked Rodney about some various things. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Rodney how great he was. Another guy asked him how great it was to grab Juliette Lewis' ass in ''Natural Born Killers.'' Rodney talked a little bit about that and then told a story about how he did his thing with this chick who followed him off the subway one time. He said that he got worried about not having used anything with her so he went to a hospital and got checked out by a female doctor. He said he ended up getting excited and the doctor pretended not to notice. He ended up asking her out after that.
Rodney told Howard about his experiences with Sam Kinison and how great he was. Howard asked him if he thinks there are any comedians out there that are as good as Kinison was. He said there are some kids coming up that are good. He mentioned someone by the name of Marty Balafski or something like that. Even Rodney wasn't sure of the guy's name.
One phone caller asked Rodney if Jackie (the Joke Man) ever gave him the money he owed him. Rodney said he never got that money back and Jackie is who he is and hopes that he will get that money back some day.
A guy called in as the late Bob Hope and told Rodney he'd see him in 15 minutes. Howard didn't seem to think that was all that funny. Rodney and Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about his father who was surprised that he grew up as intelligent as he did. Chaunce Hayden called in and asked him if he thought Dice Clay was a big disappointment as far as his career went. Rodney said he didn't have high hopes for Dice. Howard dropped that subject after that and asked him who he thought was great. Rodney mentioned Jim Carrey and Adam Sandler as being great. Howard wrapped up the interview after that. He gave him another plug for the book and went to commercial break.
Rodney had producer David Permit with him when he came in. Howard said that Permit told him that he's been videotaping Rodney for the past 9 years so he said he'd like to see that. Robin figured that he must be preparing a biography or something.
Howard took some phone calls and a bunch of people thought Howard did a great job with the interview. One caller asked Howard if he saw last night's episode of ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' last night. They mentioned it during the show yesterday because there was an article written about it that made it sound like it was the funniest thing ever. The caller said he saw it and it was okay but it wasn't anything classic like the TV reviewer made it seem like it would be. Howard said Ray Romano is one of those guys who gets great reviews all the time and there's no explanation for it.
Gary told Howard that they hadn't spoken to Shuli today. Shuli is trying out for Stuttering John's job and had created a game for them to play. Howard forgot about his game and was going to put him off until tomorrow. Then he figured he'd try to get it in quickly before they started the news. Shuli quickly came in and told Howard they had to guess which word was not bleeped on the show.
Shuli gave Howard these three words:
Howard said he was up late last night after watching American Idol. He couldn't sleep for some reason after that. He talked about how upset he was that the best singers on that show didn't make it to the finals. He said there were two black chicks on the show who were better singers than the white chick who made it to the finals. He said that Ralph told him there's no way he's voting for Fantasia because she's the ugliest person on the planet. Howard said that Diana is awful so he's not a fan of hers. He and the guys talked about how she has a bit of a belly on her and she shouldn't at the age of 16. They said that she dwarfs Ryan Seacrest when she stands next to him. Robin also brought up Seacrest's sign off line of ''Seacrest out!'' that he's still using. Howard said that he's got the body of Avril Lavigne which led to him talking about how cute he thinks Avril is. He's kind of glad her album is getting bad reviews and it shouldn't do all that well. He read that she dropped the band she did her first album with and the reviews aren't all that great for the new stuff.
Howard told Artie that there was one girl who looked like she could be related to Robin on American Idol and she would have been a good finalists along with Latoya. Robin told Howard that someone polled a bunch of people and they seem to think that they're going to vote for Diana on the show.
Howard brought up the fact that Shuli's song parody from the other day will never be heard on the show again. He said Tom sent it to their lawyer and he said that the song was too graphic and they will never play it on the air. Howard and Robin think that talking about doody isn't that big of a deal and it's ridiculous that they can't play the song on the air. Howard said he's out of there and he just had a meeting with a guy from someplace where he wouldn't have to worry about talking about doody.
Howard said they have a new General Manager at their Philadelphia station and he had a picture of him. Howard was in the picture with the guy and he was very disturbed by the way he looks in the picture. He said he's so skinny and his neck is long and odd looking. He was cringing as he was looking at the picture. He said he's like a chick you see from behind who has great hair but when she turns around you almost throw up. Gary and Robin were telling Howard that he looks like he's in good shape. Gary told him he was looking good out in Vegas when he was sitting by the pool.
Howard talked about how there was a battle for the General Manager position over at WYSP. This guy who got the job and Tim Sabian were up for it and Sabian didn't get the job. He did get upped to Vice President of programming for their Philly ''cluster'' of stations. Howard read an article about that and spent a few minutes talking about Sabian.
Howard got a letter from the Radio Hall of Fame who wants to have his name on the ballot so he can be inducted. Howard's agent sent a letter to them saying that they want no part of it but they continue to put his name on ballots and stuff. He had a letter from them but he wasn't able to find it. He searched his bag for a short time but wasn't able to find it. He talked about what he remembered about the letter and how they want him to be nominated along with a bunch of other radio guys. He wants nothing to do with it though. It means nothing to him. That led to him talking about this one guy Dan Ingram and how lame his radio show was.
Last night Howard was alone so he ''did himself'' so he could try to get to sleep. Beth was out at some event and wasn't around to watch American Idol with him. He said she usually goes to bed with him around 8 o'clock and he doesn't know how she does it. He didn't use any porn when he beat off last night. He was too lazy to go get the Taylor Rain DVD that he had even though he did want to watch it. He ended up thinking about Lisa Marie Presley for some reason. He wasn't even sure why he was thinking about her since she's gotten so fat lately. After doing that he went to bed and ended up getting up at 3 in the morning. He doesn't like to eat at that time of night so he checked his e-mail and watched some TV. He had HBO on and watched some soft-core porn since it was on. He described the movie and it pissed him off because it was soft core and there was no good sex scenes. Then he got caught up in a Star Trek movie that was on. He wasn't even sure why he was watching it because he's already seen it.
Artie said that he watched this week's episode of ''The Sopranos'' again. Howard said that's what he should have done. He went on to say that he saw the whole episode of the ''Friends'' spinoff ''Joey'' that Drea De Matteo is going to be on. He described the show and said that it was very unimpressive. He said that Joey is a funny character but you realize how important the rest of the crew of ''Friends'' was. He said that Drea isn't that hot in that show either. She looked hot on ''The Sopranos'' but she looks odd on ''Joey.'' He gave the episode a C minus. He's hoping that the show gets better after that first episode.
Howard took a call from someone who brought up American Idol again and talked about how scary Fantasia's family looks on the show. The guys talked about that for a short time. They somehow ended up talking about slavery and what that must have been like. Howard wondered if you could do anything you wanted with the slaves you had. He was talking about how he would have had only hot chicks as slaves and he'd be banging all day and nothing would get done at his plantation. He was talking about some of the hot chicks he would have liked to have had for a short time before he had to take a commercial break.
Howard brought up how odd it is that Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple but he said that Rob Morrow is even stranger because he named his kid Tu... Tu Morrow. He went on to talk about how Wilson Philips is supposed to be coming on his show in the future and how it's too bad that Carnie Wilson has gained back some of her weight.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Artie's drinking and how funny it is to see him drinking that jack and water of his out in Vegas. The guys talked about that for a short time. They have pictures of Artie on HowardStern.com that are pretty funny and they're looking for captions for them. Howard said there's one where they took Artie's head and put it on Star Jones' body.
A listener called in and got Howard talking about Iraq. Howard seems to think that the only way they're going to get that country under control is to put Saddam back in power. They just don't get our way of life over in that area of the world so they have to nuke them. Howard said we need to get a President in office who can get us out of that whole thing gracefully. The caller Howard had on the line was talking about how he's going to vote this year because of what Howard has been talking about on his show and he's going to vote for John Kerry. The caller also asked for a prize so Howard gave him one. He seemed surprised by the prize they had because it was a stunt driving school in Germany that the guy gets to attend. Howard had to take another break after that.
While everyone was out in Las Vegas High Pitch Erik and Wendy the Retard hooked up and ended up making out. Then earlier this week Erik called in and said he wanted to ask Wendy to marry him. She had to get her mother's approval first. Today they had Wendy on the phone but her mother wasn't awake to talk about it. Howard ended up talking to Wendy for a couple of minutes about her baby kittens. She has 5 of them so Howard wondered if that's fair to the kittens.
Wendy and High Pitch spent a couple of minutes talking to each other like two retards. Wendy said she's not allowed to wake up her mother so she had to refuse when Erik told her to wake her. Erik asked her if she was still interested in marrying him. Wendy said her mother said she has to think about it because she has a lot of stuff going on right now. Howard thought it was funny that Erik was getting blown off by a retarded woman whose excuse was that she has to stay home and watch the house and some kids with her mother.
Howard said that Erik has been going around asking a bunch of women to marry him for some reason. Gary came in and said that Will saw Erik giving oral favors to a woman out in Vegas shortly after making out with Wendy the Retard. Erik told the guys that Wendy made his dreams come true and he really wants to marry her. Wendy said she really likes Erik but she's been busy helping her mom out.
One phone caller told Howard he has to stay on the air for another 15 years because he has to interview the kid that Erik and Wendy will end up having. Erik kept telling Wendy how much he loves her. Wendy said that her other boyfriend is mad at her and they may have to break up over this.
Howard got sidetracked and said that he had a meeting with the guys from Dream Tank (who do his web site) and they're planning to do a bulletin board where they can have guests doing chats after their interview and stuff like that. They're also going to control the names of wack pack members and stuff like that so people can't steal them.
Wendy told Howard that she read that Bubba the Love Sponge was the one who took Howard off her local radio station and the Miami station. Howard told her that she's retarded and that's not exactly the way it went down. She responded with a puzzled ''Oh'' when he told her that. Howard wanted to hear Wendy read because he couldn't believe that she actually can read. She read a Cat in the Hat book for a few seconds but Howard cut her off and put her on hold. Erik asked him to put him on hold as well so he could get her number but Howard told him to get lost and hung up on him. He said he doesn't trust him and he knows that he'd be calling her all the time.
Howard got back to his web site discussion and said he has some great ideas for the site. He has one big one coming up in about a month and a half. He didn't say exactly what that was though. He was going to move on to model Maria Menounos but Gary came in and told him that she was in the bathroom. He took a break instead.
Howard had this woman Maria Menounos come in after that. She is on the cover of Stuff magazine but there's something that's bothering him about the photos. When she came in Howard seemed to like her look though. Then she started to laugh and Gary told him that was one thing that was bothering him.
Howard talked to Maria about her boobs for a minute. He said they looked real to him so Maria said that there was some controversy about whether or not they're real. She said that she wore a dress that showed them off at an event and people were asking her if they were real. She said she's about a C-cup at this point but she used to be a double D in the past when she was a little heavier.
Howard told Maria that the Stuff magazine pictures don't do her justice and she looks better than the pictures make her look. Howard said she's 10 times prettier in person than she is in the magazine. They put too much makeup on her in the magazine and gave her hair extensions. Maria told Howard that it was the first time she ever had hair extensions. Howard also wondered why she wasn't in a bathing suit in any of the pictures. Maria said they were going with a whole Greek goddess theme and the bikini wouldn't have fit into that. She said that Stuff is trying to go for the classier magazine and that's why they're going with stuff like that. Robin said that guys don't want to see stuff like that so she wondered what they were going for there.
Howard said he thinks that it had to have been a woman who picked the photos to use in the magazine because no guy would do that. Fred said it looked like she was going to a toga party or something. She laughed again so the guys cringed when they heard that. Howard went on to ask her about working on Entertainment Tonight. She quickly talked about that before Howard figured out that the guy who dressed her for the Stuff Magazine shoot was a gay man.
Howard and Maria ended up talking about dogs since they're both dog lovers. At one point Maria laughed again and Howard told her she'd have to lose that if they were going to have sex. Fred was playing a clip of a laugh that was very similar to hers. Howard wanted to put her in the tickle chair so he could hear the laugh constantly for a couple of minutes. She said she was wiling to do that if Howard wanted.
Howard brought up this restaurant called Da Sovino that a friend of his goes to like 4 nights a week. He said he read an article about this woman from another country who got upset with the noise coming from a table there and ended up insulting a table of black people who were there. Howard said the funny thing was that in the article they have a picture and his friend Merv is in it. He wants to get Merv on the phone to talk about what happened there.
Howard got back to Maria and talked to her about how she used to work as a janitor. She did that until she was 13 years old. She told Howard that her father didn't speak english so that's why he was working at this place where she was helping him out.
Maria told Howard that she's a big fan of his and she thinks that he's very underrated as an interviewer. She brought up an interview he did with Snoop Dogg where he was interviewing him about his pimp hand in a very serious way. Howard told her to forget about that and talk to him about how bad she wants to see his balls. He wondered if he could ''get her'' if he tried. She basically said that he could if he didn't have a girlfriend.
Howard gave Maria a couple of plugs for her Stuff Magazine layout and for a film she produced that will be out around Christmas. The movie is called ''In the Land of Merry Misfits.''
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him to get Maria in the tickle chair already and make her laugh. Another caller told Howard that the Stuff magazine layout didn't do anything for him but it was just because the pictures didn't do anything for Maria. Someone else asked Howard how her feet looked. She took off her shoes and showed Howard her feet. He said they were good feet. More phone callers said that Maria really is hot.
Howard tried to find out who has hit on Maria over the years that she's been doing interviews. She didn't want to say but there have been some who have hit on her. Howard tried to get more info out of her but it wasn't happening.
Howard asked Maria how she got the job at E.T. She said that she just interviewed for the job and got it. She also said she's making over $200,000 working on that show.
Howard was finally convinced to try and tickle Maria in the tickle chair. She told Howard that she's probably most ticklish on her sides so that's where he said he'd try and tickle her. He took a couple more phone calls before putting her in the chair. One guy said she was smoking a fatty in the back of her car this morning but she says she's not into that. She said she tried it once but it wasn't for her. Howard read some more stuff about her and found out she lost her virginity after the age of 18.
Howard told Maria the moves he'd use on her if he was to date her. He said the first date would just be a meal at his place. Then the second date he'd make out with her and touch her boobs a little bit. Then, on the third date, he'd watch a movie and talk about how much he loves dogs. He'd make out with her, touch her boobs, undo her belt and get to third base. He said he'd wait about 2 weeks before ''doing it'' with her. They'd do a lot of making out and stuff for that two weeks. He had it all planned out.
A phone caller asked Maria what kind of underwear she was wearing. She told him that it's always a g-string. Another guy called in and told Howard that his brother is dying from cancer and Howard's show is the only thing that makes him laugh every day. Howard spent a minute talking to that guy and then had Maria get in the tickle chair.
Howard had the guys strap Maria into the tickle chair. Howard wanted her strapped in really tight so she couldn't get out. They were having some trouble with a wireless microphone and Howard was getting a little upset about that. Scott the Engineer fixed it and they got on with it. Howard went over and asked her which celebrities have hit on her. She didn't answer so he said he was going to tickle her to get her to tell them who they were. Howard tickled her and she was very ticklish. She laughed without him even touching her. She squealed out with laughter each time he tickled her. He kept asking her for names of guys who have hit on her. She said that Howard was one and President Bush was another. He said she was lying to him and tickled her more. He said it was ''So frigging hot!'' as he was doing it. She lost her headphones at one point because she freaked out so much when he was tickling her. She was enjoying the tickling though so Howard continued to ask her about the guys who have hit on her.
One of Maria's hands got free so that was the end of it. She said she had enough and got out of the chair. She said Howard was pretty rough on her. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that E! had to go live with that stuff so they could see it immediately. Artie said that he thought he saw a little bit of areola while she was bouncing around in the tickle chair. He also said she looked like she had messy hair like she just got F'd. Howard had to wrap up the interview and take a break after that.
Howard said he got an e-mail from Vinnie Favale last night and he's still claiming that his songs are so much better than Hoobastank's are. The band Hoobastank is coming in soon so Howard might have them try to perform one of Vinnie's awful songs. Howard played a clip that Vinnie sent him of one of his demo songs and it wasn't good. He said the longer you let it play, the sicker you get. Artie blurted out ''HOMO!'' when he heard the song. Fred played the Beetlejuice puking sound effect in the background as they were listening to it. Howard then played Hoobastank's ''The Reason'' to show how much better it was than Vinnie's song. Howard said Vinnie contends that his song is just as good, he just can't sing it.
Vinnie called in and told Howard that he never said it was better, he just said that it was ''as good as'' their song. Vinnie was on the bus on his way into work so he was speaking low so he wouldn't annoy anyone. Howard goofed on him a little bit and hung up on him. He played one of Vinnie's other songs that was never finished. They have Vinnie and Tom Gesimondo singing without any music behind them and it's just awful. Howard said that Vinnie and Tom (who is the CFO for the radio station) work on songs every weekend. He said they're pretty much the ''Ed Wood'' of music. He also said they're equally talented which Robin said is the bad thing about the whole thing. Howard wondered if there was any way Fred could play guitar while he sang the song... and if there was any way it could sound good.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in to talk about Maria. He said that she would skate around on roller skates when she was cleaning vomit as she was working as a janitor. Chaunce also told Howard about the hookers that he had stay over at his house last week when he created a game for the guys to play. He said they ended up robbing his place. They took shoes and perfume from a roommates room that night. He said he's been getting some sleep since that week of tough work he did last week. It sounds like he was quite a mess after that.
Vinnie called in and told Howard that there are more lyrics for the ''Restless'' song he's been playing. He also said that it works as a rap song. He sang a little bit of it over the phone. He sang the same thing that Howard had already heard and played 50 times. Howard said that he thinks his song ''Psychedelic Bee'' was better than Vinnie's song. He also played his childhood song ''Silver Nickles'' as an example. Howard ended up talking about how the drummer in his childhood band is now a jeweler and he sent him the best watch ever. He's been wearing it for the past year or so.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to a Don Imus book signing. He claims that he got kicked out of the place when he confronted him and gave him hell about his cancer ranch. Howard told him he should have taped the run in with the guy because he would have loved to have heard that. Howard goofed on Imus and his wife for putting out the lame cookbook and about their cancer ranch.
A guy claiming to be Vinnie Favale's brother Anthony called in and begged for mercy. He said that he used to love the show but now he hears giggles when he walks past co-workers because of the constant goofing on his brother. Vinnie called back in but Howard told the both of them to leave him alone and hung up on them.
Howard played an audio clip of Larry King interviewing Kathie Lee Gifford. Kathie Lee was rambling about religion so Howard ended up goofing on her about that for a short time. He was calling her ''Super Jew'' while Fred played the Superman theme in the background. She had a lot to say and Larry barely got a word in with him. Howard said he now knows what hell is. It's a conversation with Kathie Lee Gifford.
Howard heard that Robin was at a movie premiere the other night but he wouldn't say who it was that told him about it. She said she went to see ''The Day After Tomorrow'' and it had some great special effects. Howard knew she didn't like it from the way she was describing it. She got to go see it for free so she didn't want to bad mouth it. She said she'd give it a C or C minus as a grade.
Howard got back to the Kathie Lee tapes and continued to goof on her for a couple of minutes. He said that Benjy had gone out and done some interviews with some people outside of one of her shows and the people were pretty nuts. Howard played some of her new CD and then played some of Benjy's interview. He found one of her backup singers and asked her how Kathie Lee inspires her to be a better person. The woman told Benjy that Kathie Lee teaches her how to be open minded and crap like that. Benjy also brought up Kathie Lee's husband and how he strayed from their marriage. The woman said she knew nothing about Kathie Lee's private life so she couldn't comment on that. The woman said she got uncomfortable and ran away from Benjy after he brought that up. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard had the latest song from Van Halen with Sammy Hagar ''It's About Time.'' He played that as an exclusive but Robin wasn't diggin' it. Howard wasn't sure what to think either. He said he may have to give it another shot. Robin thought he was joking around and he was going to tell her that they'd covered a Vinnie Favale song.
Howard took some more phone calls and ran into the same woman who called in earlier looking to talk to Perry Jones. Howard ended up playing the Vinnie Favale love tapes for her but she ended up hanging up on him.
This guy Johnny McCarthy who got in trouble for running out onto the field at Shea Stadium called in and said he was given a plea bargain offer to do 30 days in jail. He said a year in jail is the maximum sentence and he doesn't think he should even spend the 30 days in jail. He said that he'd be in this floating jail if he ends up going. Howard said it's a tough call to figure out if he should take the plea bargain or go to court and fight the charges. He claims that he was actually pushed out of the stands and on to the field so he thinks he might have a case. Howard doesn't want to give the guy advice and told him to call back when he has more information. You can find out more about Johnny at FreeJohnny.com.
Howard started off the morning apologizing to Shuli for not getting to him yesterday. Shuli is in all week trying out for Stuttering John's job and he has a celebrity interview with Jackie Mason that Howard didn't get to yesterday. Howard mentioned that Cabbie is in the back bad mouthing Shuli because he's competing with him. Cabbie came in and told Howard that Shuli isn't on because he has nothing for them. He also told the guys that he has some dirt on Shuli. Shuli came in and admitted that he's 29 and lives with his parents which is what Cabbie was pointing out to Howard. Shuli is a stand-up comedian so he doesn't think it's all that odd that he lives at home with his parents. Shuli also pointed out that Cabbie has been invaded by another man so any scoop about him living at home is nothing.
Shuli came back at Cabbie and goofed on him about his gay experiences and about him posting naked pictures of his girlfriend on the internet. The two of them were going back and forth with jabs. Shuli was doing an impression of Cabbie that was kind of funny but Cabbie didn't think it was all that great. Cabbie was also taking credit for making Shuli interesting this morning.
Howard said that Cabbie really loves to cause controversy and he'll confront people on all kinds of stuff just to cause problems. Artie said that Cabbie is always making bets with him and he doesn't even know what the bet is a day later when he finds out he lost. Artie also said that Cabbie doesn't pay up right away when he loses a bet. Shuli said he'd suggest moving in with his parents but they dumped him. They went at each other a little more after that.
Howard said a lot of people have been e-mailing them about Shuli and there's a bit of negative stuff but Cabbie gets a lot of negative mail as well. Shuli goofed on Cabbie's tattoo on his neck so Cabbie had to explain what that was all about. Cabbie claims that the number 3 on his neck is for the number of people he killed when he was in the army. He claims that it was when he was down in Panama. Gary came in and said that Cabbie claims that he killed 3 people but not all of them were in war. Shuli was saying that Cabbie comes in and makes up a lot of stuff but Cabbie wanted to know what that stuff was. He said that he knows the same people in Vegas that Cabbie does and they've told him stuff about him. Cabbie wanted Shuli to let them know what it was he knew about him but Shuli refused to bring it out. They continued to argue with each other and goofed on one another relentlessly.
Cabbie brought up the fact that Shuli has been carrying around his suitcase during the week because he can't afford a hotel for a week. Shuli said he paid for one for 3 days and the station put him up for the rest of the week. Everything Shuli said about Cabbie led to Cabbie making gay references and telling him that he just wants to bang him and weird stuff like that. Shuli was also saying that he doesn't hide any of the stuff that Cabbie is bringing up while many of the stories that Cabbie tells are made up.
Cabbie decided to go deeper into Shuli's hidden secrets. He told Howard that Shuli works with a friend of his who is on the radio and tells her how ''Howard would do it like this...'' when he's helping her out. He said that Shuli is consumed with Howard. Shuli kept bringing up how Cabbie posted the naked pictures of his girlfriend in a newsgroup so all of the fans could see her. Cabbie said he doesn't even know what a newsgroup is though.
Howard said that things were getting ugly and tried to change subjects. He brought up American Idol and said that the two finalists were able to hug after all was said and done on that show. These two will never do that though. Howard let a couple of phone callers through to yell at these two. One guy told Cabbie that his radio show shift was over and told him to get off the air already. A bunch of other callers got through and yelled at the two of them. Howard said that Shuli will be back in to play Strip Stern Trivia later in the show. Howard had to wrap up the fight and take a break after 25 minutes or so.
Howard said that Paula Abdul was kind of dopey with what she was saying to the contestants. That led to Robin and Howard talking about how Diana DeGarmo will have no career and she'll just go on to get fatter and uglier. He was also saying that Fantasia reminds him of a football player... Mean Joe Green was the name that came up during that discussion. Ryan Seacrest has been getting very cocky and full of himself because he's got so much going on.
Howard and Robin continued to talk about the show for a short time. Howard said that the whole thing was gay and apologized to Artie for talking about something that he doesn't watch. He also said that people don't have to e-mail him about how gay he is because 65 million people voted during the show. There are tons of people watching the awful show so people can't goof on him for watching it.
Howard has been trying to eat healthy lately but he's not eating all that much so he's ''backed up'' by a few days and he hasn't crapped. He said that he farted last night and it was one of those farts that's really stinky and lingers for a while. He said that Beth caught a whiff of it and knew that he'd farted. He said she never farts around him and never even makes doody when he's around.
Howard said he's in no rush to get that doody out. That led to him talking about how he and Beth don't flush the toilet at night because his dog will hear it and wake up. She usually sleeps on the other side of the apartment because she snores so they have to try to keep her asleep. Howard said that he read an article about the recommendation that people drink 8 glasses of water and how it's a bunch of bull.
Howard was talking about smoking and that somehow led to him bringing up a gig that Artie did in Bound Brook, New Jersey where a mirror got broken. Howard thought that Artie had thrown a bottle at the mirror. Artie claims that he had a microphone in his hand and when he turned, he hit the glass and broke it. Howard read an e-mail he got about the comedy show where the guy wrote about Artie repeating jokes and how he threw stuff through windows. The writer thought the show was tragic and not as funny as it was 6 months ago when he saw him. Artie said he didn't throw anything and it was his second show that night and he had been drinking between the shows. Artie said the microphone hit the mirror because he was so drunk during that show. Artie said he doesn't remember some of the appearance that night but he does know he didn't throw anything.
Howard took some phone calls after that and one of the calls was from a Canadian guy. That led to him talking about how he used to get a lot of phone calls from Canadians when he was working in Detroit. He wasn't aware that it was so close to Canada. He went on to talk about the appearances he used to have to make when he was working in Detroit and how awful those were. He was talking about a celebrity car race he was in and how he had no desire to drive through corners fast like he was told to do. He didn't care if he got beaten by everyone else. That led to him talking about some of the other awful gigs he had to do out there. He had to do one at a Rocky Horror Picture show and went dressed up as Dracula which was wrong because it had nothing to do with the show. He said he remembers stuff being thrown around the theater. He talked about the car race thing and how a girl tried to put her hand down his pants on the way back from the races. He was ''very married'' at the time and he had to stop her. He said there's nothing like having a woman put her hand down your pants and he lives for that. Robin asked him if he'd stop someone from doing that today. He was getting confused because he has the girlfriend right now but he's not married.
Howard took a call from one of their interns, Marsha, who was at Artie's appearance over the weekend. She said that Artie was chugging some Jack Daniels and the glass ended up getting broken somehow. Artie said that these comedy shows get insane and this one was different because he was so drunk. He wasn't able to get into the bits that he usually does. He said at one point a guy got up on stage and tried to help him out. The guy had seen him before and tried to help him out by suggesting what to do next in his act.
Howard asked Marsha if she was having fun in her internship. She said she was and she hasn't met Howard yet but she has seen him. Marsha told Artie that the people who work there at The Rail on Main were making fun of him the next night. Artie said that they made more money there that night than they've ever made. Gary came in a short time later and pointed out that this is the second blackout that he's had in about 8 days. They're worried about him. Artie said he just has to stop doing gigs because he's fed up with going on the road. He said that he has to go out and make money though so that's why he has to keep doing this stuff.
Artie said he's taking off this weekend as far as comedy gigs. He said he's going to see Nils Loftgren tomorrow night because Nils came out to see him at a gig he did a while back. That led to Howard talking about the time Nils beat him in a game of basketball. He said he was humiliated that time because he thought there was no way he was going to beat him.
Gary came in and asked Howard how he feels about people thinking that his daughter is ''hot'' like Joanna had just said. Howard said he doesn't think of them like that but al of his daughters are attractive to him. He said even if one of them was 500 pounds she'd still be attractive to him because it's his daughter. That led to Howard talking about his mother and then how his mother used to take his temperature anally until he was like 15 years old.
Howard said that Joanna hangs out with his daughter sometimes so she knows stuff about her that he doesn't. He said that makes him mental. He wondered if his daughter is behaving herself or if she's all loose with guys and stuff. Howard said something about how he used to use LSD up by the Charles River in Boston. He said that he tells his kids about his awful experiences with drugs and alcohol so they won't use that stuff. Joanna had some other info about his daughter Ashley that she shared. He said that this can be part of her job and she can report back to him about what his kids are up to and stuff like that. He said he could have her convince his kids that it's cool to dress up like the Amish these days. He had to wrap up shortly after that.
Howard read through some of their e-mail after that. Shuli was the subject of some of them. Shuli is having some trouble this week with his bits and today's Strip Stern Jeopardy isn't going to work out because he wasn't able to get the strippers up there. The people who e-mailed them were saying that Shuli is a creepy looking guy. His pictures are up on HowardStern.com. There were also some nice e-mails about Shuli and people are hoping Howard gives him a chance to prove himself. There were more negative mails that he went through because they outnumbered the positive ones. Someone figures that Shuli must have pictures of Howard doing something to John Stamos or something for him to let him on the air.
A bunch of people wrote in about the Maria Menounos interview yesterday. People thought she was a great guest. Howard said that should be on E! pretty soon.
Howard had some other mail about how ''gay'' the show has become lately with Howard talking about his weight loss and about American Idol. Another e-mailer said that Jason was gay for bad mouthing the Counting Crows for doing a song for the Shrek 2 movie. That led to Howard talking about how Adam Duritz was supposed to come in but he didn't show up for some reason. Gary came in to explain but had to sit through his ''Baba Booey - Star Wars'' theme. Howard said the funny thing is to see Gary just standing there not knowing what to do while that is playing. Gary went on to tel Howard that they thought they had Adam booked for the show and he was going to do an acoustic song by himself. They called back and said that they wanted to bring in the whole band and they didn't want to do the acoustic thing. Then they got booked on Letterman's show and backed out of the whole thing. Howard wanted something different and thought Adam would have been great singing alone.
Gary and Howard talked about how weird it is that Adam did a song for a movie like Shrek. Howard didn't think it was all that weird though. Jason came in and said that it was the fact that Adam changed his whole style to match the soundtrack, that's why he's a sell out to him. They brought in the song a short time later so Howard could hear it.
Howard was back in the office yesterday and Bucky from sales came in and told him that they have a hair plug guy coming on the air soon and he could use them. Jason wasn't aware that he was going bald so Howard had to break the news to him. Jason said he was annoyed that someone had to come up to the office and tell him about that. Artie apparently turned down the hair plug thing because he thinks as long as he doesn't look bald from the front, it's okay. He'll just continue to talk to people head on.
Vinnie Favale called in and told Jason he was nuts and the song on the Shrek soundtrack was great. Howard played the song and didn't think it was that big of a departure from their usual songs. Gary and Jason said when you see the video of the donkey and Shrek dancing together, that's where it all goes wrong. Ross Zapin called in and said that it's fine that he did the song for the soundtrack. It's going to sell big. Howard had to talk about Ross and his big engagement. Robin congratulated him which seemed to be a big surprise to Ross. He asked her to repeat that. Gary told Howard that Ross's fiancee is going to convert to be a Jew. Howard said that Ross isn't that big of a Jew anyway so he doesn't know why he'd bother with that. He doesn't understand why they have to do the whole Jewish thing. Howard went on to talk about how Ross likes to go out with his male buddies every night and he has to flirt with chicks all the time. Ross said that he has met a girl who will let him go out and do stuff like that. Vinnie Favale told him that he'll never be able to break up with this chick because she's making the conversion. Ross said that he didn't make her do it. Gary thought that Ross probably gave her some big hints that she might want to become Jewish but didn't tell her outright. Ross said she was the one who came to him about doing it.
Howard continued to talk to Ross about his engagement for a few minutes. Dominic Barbara called in and asked if there would be a pre-nuptial agreement. Ross said he doesn't know if he'll need that and hasn't talked about it with her. Dominic told him he might want to put in the pre-nup that the kids have to continue to be raised Jewish if they get divorced. They went over that for a short time and then Howard let him go. Howard said that all of his buddies in their 40's are now getting married after partying for years. He said that's the life he always wanted while he was married and now these guys are getting married. He also talked about how he almost screwed up his relationship while he was sitting by the pool at the Hard Rock. He could have had a bunch of chicks and he ended up getting angry that he couldn't do anything with them. Gary said that Howard has the choice to do that or not and he won't lose any money if he does lose out on the relationship. Howard said he has chosen the relationship for now. He had to take a break after that.
Howard brought up this guy Johnny McCarthy who was arrested after running on the field at Shea Stadium recently. The guy called in yesterday to tell Howard that he was offered a plea bargain. Howard said he was thinking about it and no jury is going to fall for his story about how he was pushed onto the field from the stands and just happened to have a sign in his back pocket with ''Howard Stern'' written on it. Johnny asked Howard what he thought about it but he had to think about it. Now he's thinking that Johnny should take the deal and risk taking the full 30 days in jail. They'll probably let him out after 10 days or so anyway. He thinks that if he doesn't take the deal, they will go after him full force and will find him guilty. That will mean a year in jail for the guy if he's found guilty.
Captain Janks called in and remembered the first time Gary was called ''Baba Booey'' and thought that the guys would forget about it in a week and never call him that again. Now it's like 16 years later and he's still being called ''Baba Booey.'' Gary said people still call him that as he's walking down the street or shopping in a supermarket. Artie said that they yell it at him as well. Robin said she gets that sometimes.
Gary said that Janks may have had a kid when he was over in Germany. Janks said that's true but the kid is only 15, not 19 like Gary thought. Janks said he's actually paying child support but the mother won't let him see his kid. He got her pregnant when he was stationed over in Germany. Janks said that the Captain Janks name was really his commander over there and he just borrowed the name. Janks didn't want to get into details about how he knows that the kid is his. Gary asked him what would happen if he just went over there and knocked on her door. Janks said he might not even be allowed back in Germany if he went over there. He said he got into some trouble over there before he left. Howard told Janks he should just stop paying the child support. Janks said that he'd go to jail if he did that.
Howard and the guys were wondering why Janks had to pay this woman if she's in Germany. Janks said it's really complicated and he doesn't want it on the air. Janks claims he's been paying the child support all along. He needs a good lawyer to help defend himself but he can't afford it. Robin wondered what kind of girl this was. He told her that he was dating her while he was stationed over there. Howard had no idea that this was going on with him. Janks said it has been discussed on the air before though. Howard wants to reunite Janks and his kid on the air.
Dominic Barbara called in and said there is no international child support order that could be enforced like this. He said something isn't right there. Janks wants to send him the paperwork and talk to him about it on the phone off the air. Dominic said he'd love to talk to him about that because there's now way this could be right. Howard tried to find out more information about the whole thing but Janks didn't want to talk about it on the air.
Dominic was laughing as he was finding out how ridiculous it is that he's paying this woman he only knew for 4 months while he was over in Germany. Artie told the guys that he has a buddy who lives in the same building as his ex-wife and kid and he hasn't paid child support in over a year. He thought it was pretty funny that Janks was paying this woman. The court order that came over from Germany was actually written in German and he never had it translated. Dominic was laughing so hard he could barely speak.
A phone caller said that if Janks was on active duty at the time, the military may have made him pay for this kid. Janks was on active duty at the time but he's no still in the service. Janks wants to put a stop to it but he hasn't been able to hire a lawyer to help him out. Dominic told him that it's possible that the letter he got was something saying that he won the lottery. He seemed to be getting a lot of enjoyment from this whole thing. He said he was willing to blow off a meeting with a client worth billions of dollars today just to go over Janks' paperwork. He's going to call back tomorrow to talk about what he finds.
Robin said this was Captain Janks' best phone call ever. The guys were goofing on him like crazy after that. Fred was doing his impression of the voice that Janks used to put on years ago when he called in. Janks revealed that he pays about $300 a month in child support. When he said that Artie laughed out loud and said that there's some German guy who has a new deck because of the money Janks sends to them. He said the guy probably says ''I call this the Captain Janks wing...''
Howard let Janks go after that and took some other phone calls. One guy called in and brought up the Miss Butttaface contest that was on E! last night. They spent a minute on that and then had to take another break.
Howard moved on to play some tape of a friend of their producer Will who went out with this girl who eventually found out that he wanted to get her in a threesome. She found out about it and broke up with him. The guy then called her and left her a message begging to get her back. Howard played the voice mail and said that he's never been that in love to leave a message like that. The guy went on and on and he was almost in tears as he was begging her to come back to him. Howard said that was almost as good as Gary's love tape where he begged his girlfriend to come back to him. He and Robin wanted to hear some of that tape again but Fred didn't have it standing by. Howard goofed on that embarrassing tape for a minute.
Howard had tape of Oprah Winfrey talking to Halle Berry about her cheating husband. He said that he and the guys were listening to the tape during the break and it was fascinating. He played some of the tape and talked about Halle's ex-husband Eric Benet. Oprah was bad mouthing the tabloid magazines as she started the interview but it was the tabloids that brought all of this stuff to Halle's attention. Halle went on to talk about how she tried to save her marriage but realized that her husband had woman after woman and he was addicted to sex. Howard said that the sickness he has is just being a dude and having a penis. Howard ended up playing a comedy bit that Chris Rock does about guys who cheat and how the woman never gets over that. Artie thought the bit was pretty accurate and got some laughs from it. He'd never heard it before.
Howard got back to the Halle Berry tape and goofed on that a little more. He was making fun of the way Halle was saying ''Too much damage have been done'' and stuff like that. Halle was telling Oprah that when she's 40 and there's no serious relationship, she'll just ask whoever is with her if he wants to have a kid. Howard wrapped up that bit after a couple of minutes and brought in Shuli.
Shuli told Howard that he was on his way to go interview Jackie Mason when he saw Kathie Lee Gifford sitting in a restaurant. He waited outside for her for a couple of hours but when she came out, she didn't talk to him. He went from there to interview Jackie Mason. Howard said he had to cut it down because it went a little long. Howard said it was very supportive of him. He also said that Jackie Mason said something very smart about the whole FCC thing. He suggested that the people who listen to Howard's show are the ones the government should be fining if the government thinks that it's pornographic. Shuli said that's why Jackie is such a genius.
Howard played Shuli's interview with Jackie Mason. He asked him about Howard's problems with the FCC. Mason said that Howard doesn't call him so he doesn't care about his problems. He seemed to be joking around though. Mason wondered why people like Howard are being singled out by the government. Mason paused after Shuli asked him one question. Shuli told Howard that Mason had his manager with him and he was suggesting what he might want to talk about after he was asked questions. Mason said that he thinks the FCC should be going after spam e-mail on the internet. Howard said that Mason is still sharp as a tack when it comes to stuff like that.
Shuli also had this game to play but his strippers didn't show up. He had a back up plan though. He was going to have Benjy get naked and they would have to answer questions correctly to get Benjy to get dressed. Howard and Artie didn't think that was a great idea. Zolar called in and told the guys that Shuli has a big package. He said that they were in a strip club and his dancer told him that she was just with the biggest guy she'd ever danced for and she pointed at Shuli after saying that. Part of Zolar's discussion was dumped for some reason so we missed out on part of it. It was hard to follow because of the delay hits but for some reason, Robin got on the subject of transsexuals somehow and told Howard about how that stuff works. Robin was talking about some TV special she watched where they talked about this guy who had the sex change operation. There were a bunch of delay hits so there was no continuity to the story... I'll give up trying to explain it now.
Benjy was ready to get naked in the studio for Shuli's game. Howard told him to take off his clothes but Robin said that he was disturbing in the clothes just as well. There were supposed to be strippers getting naked for this game but that didn't work out. Benjy was trying to convince everyone that his legs were great looking from his knees to his ankles. Howard showed him his legs and Robin told Benjy that he had ugly legs. Benjy insisted that he had the best looking legs out of everyone in there. Howard told him he has ''grotesque, short legs.'' Gary said his muscle looks like a tumor on his leg.
Benjy took his clothes off and got the guys laughing pretty hard. Shuli then asked questions and had Howard and the guys answer them. Here are a few of them:
Howard said they're going to put pictures of his legs compared to Benjy's legs on the web site and that got him thinking about putting a Benjy-Cam on his web site so people can watch him. He seems to think it would be a fascinating thing to watch. Fred told Howard how Benjy comes in every morning with two cups of coffee and no lids. He also brings in a case of Jell-O for some reason. Howard told him whatever he's doing to lose weight isn't working. He asked Benjy if he would follow his diet if he wrote everything down for him. Benjy didn't answer quick enough so Howard cut him off. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
During the news Howard took a call from a guy who figured out who Fantasia Barrino looked like. Earlier in the morning Howard couldn't figure out who she looked like so this guy told Howard that she looks like Chris Tucker. Howard said he was right and gave him some tickets to his radio station's Dysfunctional Family Picnic. He had Robin get back to her news right after that.
Howard ended up getting pissed off during the news when he heard that the dump button was hit during Robin's discussion about the transsexual. He said he's done with that place and he really wants out. He wondered when he's done there. Artie told him that he's got 18 months left. Gary told him it's actually 19 months and 4 days. Howard asked Fred to create a time machine for him so he can just skip to December 31st, 2005 when his contract is up. Tom came in and explained what the problem was with that conversation. He said when it went from a clinical discussion to a funny discussion that made them hit the button. He said it's all got to do with context.
Howard was telling Tom that he's out of there when Mel (Karmazin) leaves the company. Tom said that he can't leave because he's under contract. He can leave when his contract is up. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then got back to Robin's news.
Howard started off the show talking about Alanis' performance of ''Everything'' he'd just heard. He went on to say that he read an article where they compared Alanis and Avril Lavigne. Howard thought Alanis' album was better than Avril's album overall. Artie was saying he thinks Alanis is more talented than Avril is as well. He saw her on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night when he wasn't able to sleep. They spent a minute on that before Howard moved on to something else.
Howard said there's a lot of gossip going around about Mindy Herman from the E! network. He said he never really developed a relationship with her when she took over the network. He had a relationship with the previous head of the network, Fran Shea, but not really with Mindy. He went on to talk about some of the other people at the network and where they came from. That led to him talking about odd names and how it seems like some black people name their kids after things you can hold. There's Michael Jackson's Blanket and another person by the name of Scientific Maps. Crazy Cabbie came in at one point because Howard mentioned his name, Lee, while talking about the E! people. Howard ended up talking about the movie Coming to America and the odd names they used in that.
Howard got sidetracked and talked about the horrible reviews the movie ''Raising Helen'' has been getting. He said that Kate Hudson apparently doesn't care about reading scripts before doing movies. She just wants to get on the big screen. Howard spent a short time on that and then thanked Cabbie for giving him a porn movie. It was one of Taylor Rain's movies that he gave him.
Cabbie owes Artie $50 from a bet they placed and he hasn't paid off yet. Artie came in and wanted his money this morning but Cabbie said he didn't know he lost until this morning because he went to bed before the end of the game.
Howard had Shuli (RenegadeComedy.com) come in because he had a staff revelation about Cabbie. Shuli was going to tell the story but Howard got sidetracked when he brought up his web site. He was talking about how he's got big plans for the site but it's costing him money and they don't have sponsors yet. He's not sure he wants to get sponsors for it either. He and the guys were talking about how much the site has improved lately and how he has bigger plans for it in the future. They have bigger pictures and that's costing them more money because of bandwidth usage. That led to them talking about the comparison of Howard and Benjy's legs on the web site.
Shuli finally got to his story about Cabbie. He said a bunch of people came up to him with stories about Cabbie. He doesn't work there himself so he doesn't know if it's true or not but he was told that before Cabbie went into rehab a few years ago there were about 100 tickets that disappeared from the station for a Pearl Jam concert and it may have been Cabbie to stole them and sold them to a scalper. The rumor was that Cabbie was the one who took the tickets and sold them but there was an investigation and he's still working there so he wasn't the one who did it. Cabbie said that they accused him of doing it and actually told him they had him on camera stealing them but they never came through with it. The Program Director at the time was the one who said they had tape of him even though they didn't have it.
Cabbie said that Tom Chiusano could clear things up with him if he came in. Shuli told Howard that Tom is mad at him for stuff that happened on the show yesterday. That led to Howard saying that he's done with that station and he's already making plans for his future. He wouldn't say what they were because he's still under contract with them there.
Shuli said he had more information about Cabbie that he knows Cabbie doesn't want brought up on the air. Cabbie brought it up himself and said that he never posted the pictures on the web of his girlfriend like Shuli thinks he did. He doesn't need his girlfriend's mother calling him every day yelling at him about that because he didn't do it. He also said that Joey Boots once hacked into his e-mail account and stole some of his personal pictures so it could have been something like that. Howard told the guys that he had a lot of phone calls to get to so he had to take a break. He wrapped up with the two of them and went to commercial.
All of that led to Howard talking about his history in radio and how he started out. He had friends in college who ended up getting out of the business and went on to do other things. He remembers how his father told him how bad he was on the radio. He said he's kind of glad his father did that because it did help him out in the long run. He seems to think that was his father's way of showing him love.
Vinnie Favale called in and mentioned some other names of deejays that used to be on the local stations back in the 70's. That led to Howard talking about how he remembers popular deejays ending up going to stations in tiny markets when they were older. He was worried that's what would happen to him. He was also talking about a guy who had answers for any question he would get. He said the guy would give answers for every single thing he was asked about back then.
Howard had a bunch of stories to tell about the old deejays and how he ended up working with some of them at WNBC when he was there. He talked about this guy Jack Spector and how he and Fred used to make prank calls to him all the time after they were done working. Howard would call in and tell Jack how great he was and get him all excited. He'd goof on him the next day telling him that he was the caller that made him feel so great. Spector ended up dying on the air years later. Howard talked about that as well and how the guy put on his last record, slumped over his chair and that was the end.
Artie remembered this guy Art Russ Jr. and how he would tell stories on the air that just weren't true. He said he'd say something completely untrue one day and he'd never retract it after that.
Howard said that yesterday he was saying that he's ready to leave the company if Mel Karmazin leaves. He mentioned that Sumner Redstone's daughter may take over for Mel if he leaves and went off on her yesterday about how she's not fit to run the company. The rant was written up in the paper today and it looks much worse in writing than it did on the air. Howard read more of the article and they printed that some other guys from the station would leave with him. Howard said he didn't even actually talk to those guys about it so they're not leaving. He just thought it would be funny to tell Tom that when he was talking to him yesterday.
Vinnie Favale said that he accidentally kissed Redstone's daughter at the CBS upfront a few weeks ago. He thought she was someone else for some reason. Howard played one of Vinnie's love tapes where he talks about his ''crucial head.'' Vinnie was begging Howard not to play it as it was playing. Gary came in and told Howard that Vinnie actually kissed Redsone's daughter on the lips. Vinnie said that he really thought she was someone he'd met last year and that's why he did that. Howard said he knows that he's going to get reamed about his comments now that they've been printed in the paper. He said that he was just trying to make some interesting radio yesterday and he doesn't even remember what he said 5 seconds later.
Gary talked about the love tapes that Vinnie gave them and how he gave them up so easy. Vinnie originally gave them the tapes to show them how good he looked back when he made the tapes. Howard told him he didn't look all that good back the. He let him go a short time after that. They goofed on him for a few more seconds after that.
A woman called in and shared a story about one of the old deejays Howard was talking about. She said that this guy Harry Harrison was actually working a wedding about 10 years ago and he was awful as a wedding deejay. The guys talked about that for a short time and then Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard he spoke to deejay Bob Grant years ago and he told him that Howard and his father had come up to him at one time at an appearance he was making. Grant claimed that Howard told him he was the reason he wanted to get into radio. Howard told Chaunce that the story came about many years later when he was on radio and told the story himself. He was only 12 years old at the time and never said anything like that to Bob Grant. He was too shy back then and didn't say a word. His father was a fan of Grant's and that's why they went up to him that time. Howard said he likes Bob but he never told him he was his hero. Howard said that Bob is much better at talking politics than Rush Limbaugh is.
Howard was talking about some of the meetings he's been having lately about his future plans. He said it's got something to do with television. He said he's got to wait until he gets out of his contract there at his station. He was talking about the counter they have on his web site now and how it's not exactly what he wants. He said it counts down in days but he wants it in months instead. He said it's too much trouble to figure out the months. Robin was trying to help him out but he was too bothered by it all to figure it out. He was doing the math and trying to figure out the months but it was way too much of a hassle. He gave up and went to break a short time later.
Captain Janks called in with a new prank call he made to Larry King's show last night. Howard and Janks were talking about the E! show and the Miss Buttaface contest that aired. They were also talking about Artie's bleeding lips and how tonight's show is the one where they show Artie so wasted he's in a wheelchair. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Artie's drunkenness is on tonight, Monday night and possibly another full half hour after that. They recap it the next morning and it's so compelling that he could watch it another 4000 times. Howard had to watch the Miss Buttaface contest at home with Ralph because it was a different perspective. You get to see the mess that the women were. He and the rest of the guys were so drunk they didn't see how bad the girls really were. Howard has a bunch of pictures from Vegas that they're going to post on HowardStern.com in the coming weeks. They're going to have a whole recap of what went on out there as well.
Captain Janks asked Artie when he forgot that the cameras were on him. He said he remembers the end of the Miss Buttaface contest and that was about it. Howard and the guys continued to talk about what a mess Artie was during those shows.
Howard talked to Janks about the story he told yesterday about the kid he has over in Germany. Someone sent Howard the paperwork that was filed publicly. Janks wasn't aware that the stuff was out there.
Howard played Janks' prank call to Larry King. Janks asked Macauley Culkin how often people ask him to slap his face and say Howard Stern. Larry and Macauley seemed to avoid the Howard Stern mention and talked about how people ask him to slap his face all the time. Janks said when they replayed the show at midnight, they edited out Howard's name. Howard wrapped up the call with Janks and moved on to the stripper who was there.
The stripper came in the studio a short time later. Howard said he couldn't wait to see her walk in. Robin told her to get out when she walked in. Howard said it's possible she could be 30. She had a hair weave that didn't look all that good so Howard asked her about that. Gary then came in and pointed out a few things. She had done her nail polish and must have run her hands through her hair because the polish was messed up. She also burned her hand trying to light a joint with a blow torch. Howard asked her about the bad hair weave and then told her she was definitely getting hit with the fish.
The stripper took off her clothes and told Howard he'd like her body. She's had a kid and she had stretch marks on her body. Howard asked her about shaving in the sink out in the bathroom when she got there. She explained that but her explanation got dumped for some reason. Howard told her he'd have to beat her with the fish.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy thought she was lying about her age but Howard said he believes that she's 30. Howard had her take her hair extensions out so he could see her real hair. She shaved her whole head at one point so it was really short. Howard was having trouble figuring out her hairdo. Another caller said that she's only been on the air 2 minutes and he wanted to kill her. Howard took another call and the guy cursed so Howard wondered what was going on with that. Howard also told her that the way she was shaking her boobs with her chest muscles wasn't sexy at all. She thought it was funny but said she'd stop doing it at work.
Howard told the stripper to get ready to get spanked with the fish. He said she had a pimple on her ass and a tattoo of a tick on her back. She claimed that it was a black widow spider but both Howard and Artie said it looked like a tick. He had her bend over and got ready to spank her with the fish. Howard told the stripper that she talks way too much. He was having trouble holding onto the fish but he did spank her with it. He told her to never make another sound as he was whacking her in the ass with the fish. Robin said she saw something fly out when he was hitting her. Artie thought it was one of the eyes.
Howard said that she didn't even react to the spanking. The stripper told him that she'll do anything to make people laugh. Howard wondered if she was on something because of the way she was acting. She took some Aderol for her ADHD but if she takes too much it has the opposite effect on her. Howard spanked her some more and asked her if she wanted to plug anything. She mentioned something but it was dumped out so we didn't hear what it was. He went to break right after that.
Howard talked about how they're talking about a Dukes of Hazzard remake and they're going to cast Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke. Artie said he used to hurt himself pleasuring himself to the old Daisy Duke when he was a kid. They spent a minute on that before Shatner called in.
Howard picked up the line and talked to William Shatner about his role on a ''regular'' series on TV. He said he's glad he's on a regular show and he's doing a good job there. Shatner is playing the part of Denny Crane on the show and Robin knows it well. Howard asked him if he's going to give up the paintball thing. Shatner said that he does that for charity so he's not going to give that up. Howard asked him if he's got ''F-You money.'' Shatner said that he does have money and he doesn't have to do that paintball stuff, he just does it for charity.
Howard and the guys were trying to figure out what Shatner was worth and figured he must have a ton of money from all of the Star Trek movies and stuff like that. He figured he's worth at least... $150,000. Shatner laughed when he heard that.
Shatner got in a plug for a movie he was in called ''Shoot or Be Shot'' that's out now on DVD. Howard and Robin wondered why it seems like Leonard Nimoy has more money than he does. Shatner said that he hasn't been able to figure that out himself. Howard then asked him about how much he lost in his divorces. Shatner said he's been through that twice now so he's lost a bit.
Howard let a phone caller ask Shatner if he uses Levitra or Viagra. Shatner just laughed and said he doesn't use that stuff. Another guy called in and said that Leonard Nimoy probably has more money because he has done voice overs and stuff like that.
Howard gave everyone a run down of this movie ''Shoot or Be Shot'' and also gave him a plug for the TV show he's on. Shatner said that he's also shooting a sequel to ''Miss Congeniality'' with Sandra Bullock and he wants to hook up with Howard when he's in town with her. Howard doesn't think that Sandra liked him all that much when she met him. Shatner is playing the part of a guy who may be kind of gay so that all led to Howard asking him if he's ever had a gay experience. Shatner never has had an experience like that.
Mr. Shatner asked Howard if he's cut his hair yet because it's getting kind of passe. Howard said he has to keep it long because if he cuts it short, he'll end up looking like Bob Saget. Howard asked Shatner if he's a well hung man. Shatner said that ''Well Hung'' is a chinese restaurant down the street.
Zolar called in doing his female voice. He was pretending to be a woman who had a one night stand with Shatner years ago. He goes from his female voice to his extremely deep voice which shocks most people. Shatner didn't even flinch when he heard the deep voice though. Ralph then called in and told Howard how great Shatner is when he says his name on ''The Practice.'' He said that it's almost as good as ''Hey Now'' when he does it. Ralph asked him to do it for him but Shatner said he can't just do it. He did say it a couple of times before Howard wrapped up the segment.
Howard told Shatner that he will come down to the set with him and Sandra Bullock. He wants him to make a big deal out of it and introduce him to Sandra. Then he wants to go back to her trailer so he can be left alone with him. Artie started to do his George Takei impression and goofed around with that for a short time. Howard then wrapped up the call and let Shatner go. He said he really does want to go on the set of the movie with him and Sandra Bullock.
A listener called in and told Howard that the delay button was being hit a lot during his interview with Shatner. That pissed Howard off and of course he said he's got to get out of there already. Gary came in and told Howard that they bleeped out his reference to anal beads during that discussion. Howard wanted them to hit the dump button so much that they have to play music over him. He said the anal beads thing a few more times but the delay wasn't hit this time. Fred played one of William Shatner's renditions of ''It Was a Very Good Year'' and goofed on that for a couple of minutes.
Now there are stories about Mindy and how she is going to be leaving the company and she's got a $20 million buyout. There's some stuff in the paper about her that says that she's been holding employees hostage by making them sign up for baby registries and stuff like that when she had her baby. Howard read the article and talked about how her job may be cut short because of her abuse of power. She has been accused of fighting in a parking lot out in Hollywood as well. She will get a $20 million severance package if she is canned. Howard didn't want to bad mouth her yet because she may be there another year. He said he got copies of some of these letters that someone had sent anonymously about Mindy's alleged abuse of power. Howard doesn't know who sent the letters and doesn't know why he got copies. She apparently threw a baby shower for herself and it was the most expensive party ever for the E! network. She also had her own room redecorated for one of their TV shows.
Howard didn't think it was all that big of a deal for Mindy to give out a baby registry because that doesn't mean that people were forced to buy her gifts. He thinks that there was more attention paid to his show before Mindy took over though. He went on to read more of the accusations that were in this article he was reading. Mindy had gotten into a fight at a club after a party that was held for the Anna Nicole Smith show one time. Howard said that one person had something nice to say about her. It was Joan Rivers. She said that Mindy has been doing a great job over there at E! since she took over. Joan was also the one who made over Mindy's baby room on the show he talked about earlier.
Howard read about the stuff that E! is known for but his name was absent for some reason. He says that his show is the highest rated on the network but they make no mention of that at all. The article claims that Mindy also used her power to dress in clothing from the E! network wardrobe department and to take gift baskets that were sent over there to the network for other people who worked there.
Howard read one section where they claim Mindy Herman hopped back on a plane and flew back to California after 9/11 after she'd told them that they were all going to stick together until they could arrange for travel back to california. Howard thought that was pretty bad but Mindy claims she went back there to work on getting travel arrangements settled.
Howard said that they're supposed to have a 10th anniversary party for his E! show soon but he's not sure if it will still happen. He doesn't want to bad mouth Mindy until he knows that she's leaving. He's wondering if he should get Mindy on the phone to talk about it with her. He and the guys talked about their experiences with Mindy and what they think of the whole thing. Howard doesn't know what to make of it all.
Benjy wondered what her salary must have been if she gets a $20 million severance package. Howard wondered where his golden parachute was. He said that's what these company executives create when they get these jobs. Howard said that Mindy did an interview after that article came out and said that she did her thing there at E! and her time is over. She said it's got nothing to do with any of the other crap that was brought up. She apparently ended her call when she was asked about her possible abuse of power over there at E!. Howard said he'd leave there if they paid him $20 million. He said he'd even take the $20 million from all of these religious groups who want to get him off the air.
Artie wondered what kind of money Howard would need to have that ''F-you'' money he talks about. He said it was the $20 million that Mindy was getting. Then he said he could live off of $3 million just on the interest alone. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard played tape of Eric the Midget leaving a message for him. Eric went off on Howard saying he's a big nosed idiot and he's sick of hearing him bashing everyone from American Idol. He told him to ''shut the f*** up'' about that stuff. Howard goofed on Eric about his funny voice and said he sounds like a super villain or something when he's going off on him.
A guy called in and claimed that he hd some trouble getting one of his commercials played on the E! network but it turned out it was Sean Dee White Rapper making a lame prank call. Howard hung up on him after Sean said ''What's up bitch?'' a couple of times.
Ralph called in and said that Howard ran out of the city on 9/11 just like Mindy Herman did. Howard told Ralph that he walked about 50 blocks carrying his dog when he wanted to get out of there. He said he offered to let Ralph stay at his apartment that day and Ralph was making it sound like he abandoned him in the city or something.
A listener called in and told Howard that he got an advance copy of the movie ''Spider-Man 2'' and it was great. He thinks Howard will love it. Howard was more interested in knowing how this guy got the movie on DVD. The guy claims to have some good connections and the DVD was actually the completed movie that will be released on DVD after it comes out in theaters. He claims that he'll have a copy of ''Alien vs. Predator'' in a few weeks. Howard had to take a break after talking to that guy for a couple of minutes.
After the break Howard let Shuli wrap up his week by sitting in during Robin's news. He played a quick game at the end of the show where he compared lyrics from Fred's band ''King Norris'' and from Charles Manson. Howard and Robin tried to figure out which lyrics were which. Shuli also thanked them for letting him work there for the week and said he had a great time and felt honored to have been there.