Howard and the crew returned from their Las Vegas trip over the weekend. Howard said he went to bed at 7:30 last night but he woke up around 10 because his schedule was so screwed up. Artie was a mess out there so Howard talked to him about that. Artie claims he hasn't had a drink since he got back. He went to a party on Saturday night and drank just water. He says he's on the wagon for a little while at least. Howard said that has to be weird for him. Artie says he's been eating comfort food instead. He's been having stuff like sicilian pizza for breakfast and stuff like that.
Artie said he lost about $23,000 while he was out in Las Vegas. Howard mentioned that Ralph has a bunch of pictures from out in Vegas but he told him he can't find the memory card that the pictures are on. He said he always does that when he takes pictures at the events he's invited to. He and Robin talked about the other things he's taken pictures at and he either loses the card or loses the whole camera somehow.
Robin said she heard that Ralph almost had a meltdown the day that the E! crew told Howard that his shirt didn't read well on camera. Ralph had to pick out a shirt and Beth went up to help him. He ended up asking her to leave because he needed time to be alone to pick out another shirt. Howard said there was a lot of weird stuff going on out there in Vegas.
Howard and Artie talked about how awful last night's episode of ''The Sopranos'' was. Howard said that was the first episode he could really say he hated. It didn't mean anything and it was just them trying to be artsy. Howard went on to talk about all of the TV shows he watched when he got home from Vegas. He had recorded them all and the one that pissed him off was the final Survivor show. He said that everyone on the show is retarded. He talked about how dopey all of the people are that play that game. They're all plotting against each other on the show and then they get pissed off when other people are doing the same to them. It's just a game but the people don't get it. He said he loved the show but the dumb people on it pissed him off.
Robin and Howard talked about ''American Idol'' for a short time. There is more controversy over the person who was voted off again. Howard said that he's starting to think that it is a racial thing now. Robin told him that there are some hackers out there who are messing with the phone lines and not letting people vote for the people they want to vote for.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered how Robin looks in a bating suit. Howard said no one knows because they never saw her in a bathing suit. Robin swore she did come down and sit next to Howard by the pool. He didn't remember that though. He does remember that Artie took his shirt off and actually went swimming with him. The caller also asked if they'd be showing all of that stuff on E! this week. Howard said that they are starting to air that this week. He's not sure if they're going to be able to show the karaoke contest though because they may not be able to get clearance to show those songs on the air.
Another caller asked about Artie's behavior out there in Vegas and if it will hurt his credibility in his acting career. Artie just laughed and said ''what career?'' The caller told Howard about the live phone call he made on Tuesday morning of last week. He said he sounded like he was dying. Howard said he wants to hear that tape himself and asked Gary to get that for him.
Robin and Howard talked about Artie getting drunk out there and how out of control he was. Howard said someone suggested that he go over and talk to Artie about his drinking but he doesn't think he's responsible for him. Gary came in and said that the E! guys put together a bunch of clips of Artie while he was drunk out in Vegas. He told Howard about some of the strange stuff he was doing when he was completely wasted out there. Artie ends up talking about a lot of ''fag'' stuff and also about guys who like to bang white chicks and black chicks when he sees them. Artie told Howard that he should have just thrown him off the air if he was that out of control. Howard and Robin told him he was funny doing all of that stuff and they wouldn't have thrown him off the air.
A couple more phone callers talked about Artie's behavior and how Howard seemed annoyed by some of the stuff Artie was doing. Howard said he really wasn't annoyed by him. He was more annoyed by the fact that they didn't have seats for the fans and guests of the show. He was also annoyed by the fact that the crowd couldn't hear what they were saying and continued to talk while he was doing the show. It's a 4 hour show and no one wants to stand and listen to a 4 hour show. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard had a lot to do over the weekend so that's why he flew home on Saturday morning. Artie thanked Howard for the dinner he brought him to on Thursday night. He was glad he talked him into staying out there that day. Howard talked about how when he suggests going out to dinner with people, they assume that he's taking them all out to dinner. He complained about that and how he doesn't always want to pay for dinner when he goes out. There were like 40 people out that night and he didn't want to pay. Sam Simon, who has more money than any of them, showed up with people who weren't even invited to dinner. He didn't know who the guy was at the table and it pissed him off. He said he thought that Sam was a dick head for doing that.
Howard wanted Tom Chiusano to see that this was like a big wrap party for the show and maybe he'd pay for it. He then talked about how big of a wack job Tom is. He told Robin about this guy Seth out in Vegas who was their butler there. He helped Tom out by getting a car for him when he was leaving Las Vegas. Howard tipped the staff of people who helped them out there but no one else did other than Artie. He said that Tom just high tailed it out of there that day and didn't leave them any tips. Howard shelled out a bunch of money for those people who were helping them out and the radio station didn't do anything for them. Howard said there were about 6 people on that staff who worked overtime to help them out and the radio station wasn't tipping them. Tom said that he had no contact with that guy Seth and he did take care of his chamber maid. Howard told him that he can't just hide his head in the sand and not notice that those people were helping out the people from the radio station.
Howard and Robin also brought up the dinner that Tom didn't pay for. Tom said that he will pay for it next year if they do make it there next year. Howard talked about how much work that staff did to help the staff of the radio station while they were there. He couldn't get over the fact that he had to take care of the tipping when it should have been Tom doing that. There were security guys who were there the whole week helping them out and Tom forgot about them as well. Tom admitted that he forgot about the security guys and he may take care of Seth and the rest of the crew after they're all home.
Scott the Engineer came in and told Howard that Tom invited people out to dinner while he was standing there and he didn't even bother to ask them behind his back. He just invited them and ignored him while he was standing there. Howard told him that there's a cut off and he's always it.
Howard said he's down more money than Artie is and he didn't even get to gamble while he was out in Vegas. He said it's nuts because he had to tip all of those people at the hotel. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Howard that they invited Scott the Engineer out to dinner one night and they split the bill. It came out to $80 each and Scott ended up getting pissed that he had to pay that much after only having one drink. Scott denied giving them a hard time but Ronnie said he really can't just have fun at something like that.
Howard talked about the time he spent with Dominic Barbara out there in Vegas. He was complaining about the food they had at a restaurant and how they don't usually eat at a place like that. He was telling people it was like eating at a Beefsteak Charlie's. Howard and Artie said they liked the food they had so they don't know what he's talking about. Tom told a quick story about how Dominic put his gambling money in front of him at one point and told him to play it for him. Tom won Dominic like $15,000 at one point but Howard said he didn't win him anything because he didn't put up the money. Howard goofed on him about that and then told him to just learn how to tip people and take care of business.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel was there today and he'd be coming in later to talk about something weird that happened to him. Howard tried to take a couple of phone calls but he wasn't having any luck hearing anyone. Scott the Engineer came in and Howard was finally able to get more people on the line. Dominic Barbara called in and said he was just joking about the restaurant thing. He wasn't serious. Dominic changed subjects and talked about the party that they went to the night after the dinner. They went to a concert at another casino and had a lot of fun. Howard quickly explained that and got annoyed with Dominic so he hung up on him. He took a break right after that.
Howard figured he had to have been doing something other than just taking Advil. He said he wasn't though. Jimmy said they treated him at the hospital and brought the swelling down. Howard watched him the night after and he still looked kind of odd to him. He thought it was just the camera's making him look bad. Jimmy was thinking that it was something he'd eaten that night. He didn't know it was the Advil. He thought it may have been the lasagna he had for dinner and he would have killed himself if that was the case.
Jimmy brought in some mini-bar bottles of Jack Daniels for Artie this morning. Artie was ready to start drinking again when he saw that. Jimmy told Artie he tuned in one morning and heard him just ranting and raving like a nut. Howard told Jimmy about the video tape they had of Artie's behavior out in Vegas. He ends up calling guys ''faggots'' and stuff like that for no reason.
Howard played the video tape he had but he was the only one who could see it. The tape was a behind the scenes thing at the Spearmint Rhino club. Artie was completely wasted and really belligerent. He was saying he just wants to die in peace. He was also flailing around like he was swimming according to Jimmy Kimmel. They had to carry Artie out of the club after that. Jimmy said this will make for a great E! True Hollywood Story. They have the tape all ready to go. Howard told the E! guys to get busy and create a phony E! True Hollywood Story where they talk about his death and use the news reports of Artie's death from Captain Janks' hoax last week. Howard and Jimmy were doing some announcing like they were doing the True Hollywood Story thing as they were listening to the tape.
Howard continued to play the tape where Artie was calling the guy from The Sopranos a ''faggot'' and telling him to come up to his room with him. Howard described the visual in the video tape because Artie was being carried by a security guard backwards. He was almost doing the moonwalk as he was being carried backwards. He would insult a group of people like the Jews but then he'd say that he loves the Jews because they're the greatest. Jimmy said he would have had a lot of fun with Artie if he'd been there that night. He would have had Artie naked and stuff like that.
Artie was eventually put in a wheelchair and wheeled back to his room. On his way there he grabbed a pizza box, threw it at the door of the hotel room and said ''Wake up one ten'' and as he wheeled by each room he'd say ''wake up one o' eight.'' Then he hops out of the wheelchair and runs into a wall. He eventually gets into his room and jumps on his couch. As he jumps on the couch it tumbles over and he ends up on the floor. Artie then runs over to the balcony of his room and starts yelling ''Hey faggots!'' out to the pool. The guys left him there alone and Artie somehow ended up back at the strip club. It was only about 6:30pm that night when al of this was going on.
Vinnie Favale called in and congratulated Artie for making a tape more embarrassing than his love tape. Jimmy said that there's nothing more embarrassing than that tape. Howard played some of that embarrassing tape while Artie goofed on Vinnie. You could hear Vinnie begging them to stop the tape but they let it roll. Vinnie said he had to catch his bus and asked them to get back to Artie. Jimmy said that either Vinnie loves the show a lot or he has no dignity at all for handing over those tapes to the show.
Howard got back to Artie's tape and watched the rest of that. Artie was talking about this security guy and black pussy for some reason. Artie was so embarrassed that he was ready to leave the show and go get a regular job because everyone was hearing this tape. He was embarrassed by the stuff he said during this tape. Jimmy told him that he could win an Emmy for this because it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. Jimmy told Howard he has to put out a video of ''Artie Gone Wild'' because he'd watch every minute of it and remember every word. It was fascinating to him.
Artie was talking about how crazy all of that was and how he really has gone through life ''fat, drunk and stupid.'' Robin said that's what the name of the video release should be. Howard said it should be ''Artie Gone Wild'' with a subtitle of ''Fat, Drunk and Stupid.''
Comedian Shuli called in and told Howard that there was someone else out there who was drunk and annoying. It was Ronnie the Limo Driver. He had a list of curse words that Ronnie yelled out while he was there in Vegas. He claims that Ronnie said just about every word you can imagine while he was there. Howard got back to the Artie video tape and goofed around with that for a few more minutes. At the end they had tape of Gary talking to Artie about how he couldn't go back to the Spearmint Rhino. That was about it so Howard had to take a break. All of the guys congratulated Artie about the video. Artie sarcastically thanked everyone for that. They went to commercial right after that.
Cindy told Howard that Jeff was ''okay'' in bed with her. She said that she might date him again because he was nicer than they say he is. Howard thought the tape was pretty wild and Cindy didn't make Jeff use a condom. She had him tested for AIDS so she figures he was safe. Howard said that maybe she'll be having a little baby Curro (Jeff's last name). Artie was doing his impression of Jeff while they were talking to the two of them. Howard got back to the tape and played more of Cindy's crying for everyone. Howard said that's the inner mind of every porn star. He told her she was a good sport and gave her a couple of plugs for JillKellyProductions.com and Spice Clips Live which airs on the Spice Channel.
Cindy told Howard that Jeff wasn't able to get aroused when they were together. Jeff said that was a lie and hung up on them. Cindy told Howard what that was like and managed to get the delay hit a bunch of times. Jeff called back a few minutes later and said that he wasn't the one who drank too much that night, Cindy was the one who passed out. Jeff said that he wasn't like spaghetti like she said he was. He then wondered why everyone talks bad about him. He was on the verge of tears so Artie was goofing on him again. Everyone makes the same claims about him being like ''spaghetti'' in the pants after they're with him.
Howard played more of Cindy's crying as he was wrapping up the call with the two of them. Howard said he had a girl cry after being with him sexually one time. Artie said he had one who cried during sex one time. Howard played Cindy's crying one more time and laughed as they heard it. Howard said he got to hang out with the real Cindy Crawford one night in Vegas when they went to her husband's casino out there.
Jimmy told Howard the shows in Vegas were great and he was hating the fact that he had to go to work every morning instead of being out there in Vegas with them. Howard was surprised he didn't show up but Jimmy said he had to work.
Howard brought up how there's a rule about voter registration that doesn't allow college students to register to vote if they're not in their home town. He said that Rolling Stone wrote an article about that and he thought it was pretty good.
A couple of deejays were fired while they were out in Vegas. The deejays played tape of Nick Berg getting beheaded and made jokes about it on the air. That led to Howard talking about how he saw that video and it's the most disturbing and horrifying thing he's ever seen. The image is still stuck in his head and it's really disturbing. He said it will make you violently angry when you see it. He described the tape to Artie who hadn't seen it. They cut the guy's head off and it takes a while to butcher him. He said it's so horrible he doesn't know how anyone could laugh at it. He said you will never get that image out of your mind if you watch it. He warned people not to bother.
Howard and the guys talked about the prisoner abuse that's been in the news lately and how that beheading may have had something to do with that. Howard also said that they're now finding out that Donald Rumsfeld did know about the prisoner abuse and now that they know that, he's going to have to resign. They spent a few minutes on that and then moved on to other stuff.
Howard brought up Gwyneth Paltrow's baby that she named Apple. They talked about how big the baby was at 9 pounds 11 ounces. The guys goofed on that for a minute and then Howard took a phone call. A woman asked Howard if he's worried about Artie heading down the same bath as Chris Farley. Howard said he is worried and spent a short time talking to her about that and the Nick Berg thing before he had to take another break.
Shuli called in again and asked Howard if he was going to play the karaoke tapes. Howard thinks that he sounded better in person but the mix was off on radio so he didn't sound that good. Fred backed him up and said he did sound better there in person.
Howard read through some of the many positive e-mails they had about their Las Vegas shows. Howard said he thinks almost all of the mail they got about the Las Vegas shows were positive. There was one negative one about Artie and how annoying he's been getting lately. Someone actually liked the way Tom Chiusano was acting out there. Howard said he was acting so cool out there that he didn't tip anyone.
Howard played tape of his karaoke performance of Stairway to Heaven and swore that he sounded better there live than he did on the radio. Howard said people who thought he sounded good must have been drunk because he sounded awful. He admitted it was bad but he had Tom's performance as well and that was bad. Jimmy said he sounded like William Shatner while he was performing his cover of ''Jeremy.'' Tom came in and told Howard that he had to stick through it to the end where he did his ''ooo, ooo's.''
Captain Janks called in and said that he was listening to that stuff and his neighbor just knocked on his door and told him to turn that S*** off. Howard went on to play Robin's version of ''Y'all Want a Single'' and she sounded bad as well. They swore that they sounded better live than they did in the recordings. Jimmy just laughed as he heard the excuses for why they sounded so bad. Artie covered AC/DC's ''You Shook Me'' while he was really drunk. He was singing in a monotone like never before.
Gary performed Linkin Park's ''One Step Closer'' in the karaoke contest. Everyone thought that was pretty funny as they were listening to it again. Howard played the God Hates Fags family song where they sing about the gays and how they're hated by God. Rob Schneider tried to interrupt the song and make a statement about how wrong the song was but it didn't work.
Howard played Train's medley of Led Zeppelin songs after the rest of the stuff. Howard said that somehow the mix got fixed during their songs and they sounded great. Artie couldn't remember any of that stuff because he was so drunk he blacked out. Howard said that Rob Schneider was throwing stuff around during the song and the lead singer of Train may have gotten pissed off because he walked off stage without saying goodbye to them. Robin knew something was wrong when she saw him leave without saying goodbye to them. Everyone thought that the band did an amazing job with the Zeppelin stuff. Howard took a break after playing the rest of Train's stuff.
Howard said that Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) is trying out for Stuttering John's job all week this week. Chaunce came in and told Howard that he thinks Artie should get John's job. He went on to tell Howard that he thought his shot at John's job was shot when he heard about Artie's death last week.
Chaunce's first assignment this week was a song parody. He told Howard that he did a serious song for him about the FCC. Howard played it and said he hated it within a few seconds. He said he was just kidding though. He let it play and it was to the tune of Christina Aguilera's song ''Beautiful.'' Howard bailed on it after about 30 seconds of it. He said on a scale of 1 to 10 he'd give it a 2. Gary told Howard that the song lacks ''edge.'' He actually listened to the whole thing and that was his take on it. Chaunce was pissed that they were goofing on the song because it's a serious subject and they're not letting it go on. Howard told him he'd let it play for another 30 seconds to give it another chance. Chaunce said that it was already ruined because they were goofing on it instead.
Chaunce had a couple of women in to dance during the song. Jimmy said that one of the girls was actually an intern there at the station. She explained how she was drinking at one of the concerts that the station held and she got fired for that. She didn't know the rules and ended up getting fired from a job where she didn't get paid anyway. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the girls. One of them is a Russian woman who had a funny laugh that the guys made fun of a little bit. Howard asked them to dance to the song and Chaunce asked them to take their tops off. The ex-intern wanted to get a plug for something first but Howard said they'd have to wait until after they danced. Howard said the dancing did make the song better. Howard told Chaunce he liked the song after seeing the girls dance.
Howard was trying to get the Russian girl's skirt off but she said she was too shy to do that. The intern, Annette, asked if she could get in a plug for something. Howard started the song again and had them continue to dance. He told Chaunce that the song was horrible and stopped it. He then told the girls that if the Russian chick, Natalia, took off her skirt, he'd let them plug something. That didn't work so he gave up and let them plug their stuff. Annette said she was part of some pay-per-view event that's airing this week and asked people to vote for her on GCC2004.net. She said you have to vote for ''Siren'' which is apparently her name on the site.
Howard talked to Natalia a little more and she was cracking herself up telling lame jokes. Howard and the guys all gave Chaunce a 2 on a scale of 10 for the song. Fred went so far as to say that Chaunce was the worst candidate so far. A few phone callers told Chaunce that the song was so bad that people were poking their eardrums out.
Gary defended Chaunce and said that this is his weak point and he does have a great Wack Pack member coming in later this week. Another phone caller told Howard that he was the guy who was on the field at Shea Stadium with the Howard Stern sign recently. Howard said the poor guy apparently fell on the field and ended up getting arrested and may have to do a year in jail because of it. Howard feels kind of bad for the guy if he's actually going to get a year in jail for that. He was just being goofy.
Chaunce swore that he was going to do a great job with the rest of the stuff he has coming up this week. Ralph called in and said that the song wasn't even close to funny. He's supposed to be entertaining the audience and he wasn't even coming close. The two of them went at each other for a minute but Ralph wasn't paying attention to anything Chaunce was saying. Chaunce wanted some points for bringing the hot chicks in with him because Howard was giving the two of them 10's. Howard went to break as Chaunce was begging for those points.
They got the girl to sleep with him and that's the way he thanks them. Howard wondered what he did wrong, he didn't force the porn star to say stuff about him. He's sick of Jeff's attitude. He pointed out all of the stuff that he does to make himself look bad and it's got nothing to do with him. He smokes a ton of pot, drinks heavily, he's overweight and he blames everyone else for his problems. He eventually apologized and asked them to forgive him. Howard told him not to call them crying anymore. He had Robin start her news after that.
Howard started off the morning trying to figure out what he was going to do first. Artie told him that whatever it is he talks about, he'll be there to discuss it intelligently... and laughed as he was saying it. Howard went on to talk about how he thinks he heard the F-word on Access Hollywood last night so he needs to get tape of that so he can file a complaint with the FCC. Gary said they record everything so they should have it on tape. Howard doesn't like being the police there but he needs all the help he can get in his battle with the FCC and he has to have them fine other shows. He thinks that he's already made enough noise to silence them for a short time but he doesn't think it's over yet. It's like the quiet before the storm.
Howard brought up an article that was written by Ira Glass for the NY Times and how good that was. The guy wrote about being a fan of Howard's and how wrong the FCC is for targeting him. He brought up some other articles that have come out in the recent weeks that have also asked what the FCC is doing to Howard's show. There are people telling him that they're going to vote for the first time because of what's going on with his show. Howard talked about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard brought up how devastating the Michael Moore film ''Fahrenheit 911'' is supposed to be as far as the President is concerned. They show the 7 minutes that the President sat around reading to a class of children after he was told about the World Trade Center attacks. Howard brought up the stem cell research subject and how Bush is against that because he thinks that God is telling him what's right and wrong while he's in office. Howard said he's got a lot of stuff on his web site about Bush and what's going on with him and his administration. He pointed out some other things that are going on with Bush, Clear Channel and some other stuff.
Captain Janks called in and played some tape from an old cartoon featuring Quicksdraw McGraw and Baba Louie. He said that the whole thing about Gary being called Baba Booey is based on that cartoon and at one point it sounds like Quicksdraw calls Baba Louie ''Baba Booey'' but he was actually saying ''Baba Boy.'' Howard told Janks that was a good piece of investigative work but Gary definitely said ''Baba Booey'' and not ''Baba boy.'' They played the Gary clip and goofed on that for a few seconds. Janks also said that he has the news clips of Artie's death hoax on his web site (CaptainJanks.tk). He said he sent it to KC and Gary so they should have the audio for Howard to play.
Howard and Artie ended up talking about the old days on the show and all of the fans that show up to his events. Artie was telling Howard about going to some of his old rallies before he ever got on the show. Howard quickly mentioned that either Joey Boots or Zolar somehow managed to get oral during one of the Las Vegas shows last week. Artie talked about how he got a phone number at one of Howard's rallies back in 1987 or so. The guys talked about that and how Artie smoked some pot with that chick.
Howard said that Jason suggested to the guys that they do a tour of the cities that they were kicked out of and do some anti-FCC rallies in those cities. Howard said it's a good idea but it's also a lot of work. Howard said there were a lot of people from Pittsburgh out in Las Vegas when they were out there last week. He said he felt kind of bad that they're not on in those markets anymore. He doesn't know why his own company doesn't take advantage of Clear Channel dropping him and put him on in those cities. He talked about the guy who runs the radio division and how he does a lot of talking about putting him on in new markets but he never comes through. The guy always has excuses for not putting him on in those markets that they were dropped in. Howard said he was told he'd have to go on at bargain rates and he doesn't want to do that. He talked about how he's not appreciated as much as he should be. Robin pointed out how people like Ray Romano are the people making the big money while it was Howard who helped make Infinity Broadcasting what it is. Howard responded with a ''Everybody loves Raymond and everybody hates Howard.'' He went to commercial break right after that.
Howard played the audio of porn star Cindy Crawford crying after being with Jeff the Drunk during their ''date'' out in Vegas. They went from that clip to Jeff singing in a karaoke thing they did a while back. Artie did his Jeff impression for a short time after that. That led to Artie and Howard talking about the women they've had who cried either during or after they had sex with them. Artie had a girl cry while they were doing it and Howard had a girl who cried after. Howard told the story about the girl he was with who didn't even know he had finished. She ended up crying and wanted to call her boyfriend up in Albany. They played the crying clip again as they were talking about that.
Howard moved on and mentioned that he missed some stuff in the news while he was out in Vegas. He didn't know that this guy died. He said he was a big fan of this guy and he was a big part of his childhood. He said he knows people who are 18-20 years old probably don't know who he is. He said it was Alan King that died on Sunday. He enjoyed the guy when he was a kid but Robin reminded him that he never said anything nice about him on the radio. Howard said he has said that he was a funny guy but he was also a pompous ass later in life. Howard said some nice words about the guy and said that he was really funny on the Ed Sullivan show back in his day. He was ahead of his time back then and he inspired a lot of comics who came after him. Howard told him to rest in peace and that he would be missed.
Howard continued to talk about Alan King for a couple of minutes and said he was a real talent who was important to him as a kid. He apparently died of lung cancer so Howard wondered if it was his cigar smoking that killed him. Artie ended up doing his impression of congresswoman Heather Wilson talking to Mel Karmazin during an indecency hearing about the Janet Jackson boob flash. Howard had Fred play all of the clips they had of that nutty woman. Howard said that he's heard that she's gotten upset about Howard talking about her because her kids might hear about it and make fun of her. He said he's sick of being quiet about that and he doesn't care. He invited her to come after him already and get him off the air.
Howard thought that Heather Wilson sounded a lot like Underdog Lady who has done his show. Fred had audio of the two of them that they mixed together and they do sound similar. They both make about as much sense as the other according to Robin. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that and then went to another break.
Howard mentioned that ''8 Simple Rules'' has been renewed for next season. He said that their friend David Spade is on that show and he always manages to get in on a show where he gets paid some big bucks. Robin said he's really funny on that show too so he's doing a good job. Artie said he really is good on that show and he's worth whatever they're paying him.
Howard ran into Jim Belushi in the park yesterday and it was very uncomfortable. He said that Belushi told him that he's mad at him for some reason. Howard told him that he was always a fan of his and he has no problem with him. Jim said the same thing and told Howard he's been a supporter of him. Howard said that Jim did the show one time and he heard something that was said by Robin one time but he couldn't remember exactly what it was that was said. Howard told him that if he has a problem with Robin, he should take it up with her. Jim told him that if someone on his show said something bad about him, he'd take care of it. Howard defended himself and he has nothing to do with it. He told Jim to just take it up with Robin if he's still got a problem. The two of them shook hands but it was kind of awkward. He and Robin seem to think that he'll still have a problem with them when they see each other again.
Howard told Robin that Belushi was right up in his face so he told him to back down or he'd have his buddy Pat kick his ass. Pat didn't know that Howard was volunteering him for a fight but when he found out later he thought he could kick his ass. Artie said the only way they could settle that is to have the two of them fight it out in Las Vegas next year. Robin said that she's sorry for whatever it was that she said to upset Jim. Howard said that's probably not enough for him though. He invited him to come up to the show but he's not sure if he'll come or not. Robin said she'll just sick Mr. X on him if he gets in her face.
Howard talked about his buddy Richie who is getting married over in Italy. He said he sat him down and told him that if he has kids with the chicks and they end up getting divorced, she'll probably take the kids back to Ireland with her. The guys talked about that for a couple of minutes.
Alanis Morissette is supposed to be on the show tomorrow but she won't be doing a medley of her songs like Howard wanted her to. She's willing to do a song so Howard had to pick one out of the many he wanted her to do. He played one of her songs and said he can't wait to hear her perform live in the studio. She's coming in to talk about the censorship issues and he really appreciates that. He played a few of her other songs and tried to pick out a couple for her to perform.
A listener called in and told Howard about how his wife kept her Swedish citizenship when they got married. She ended up leaving him and he hasn't seen his daughter in over 5 years now. He doesn't have to pay child support at this point so that's the only positive thing. Howard said the guy will probably see this hot Swedish chick in a movie 10 years down the road and it'll turn out to be her. He played some of the Taylor Rain sex tape where she's moaning ''Oh Yeah'' over and over again as an example of what the guy may see his daughter doing some day. They also played the clop of the woman with the vibrator that they played earlier in the morning.
Captain Janks called in and asked if he could come in and meet Alanis when she comes in tomorrow. Howard didn't want to let him come in because he didn't think they should have an audience on her first visit there. Janks was ready to drink a cup of water that Artie spit in if he could be allowed up there. Janks was just about begging to come in but Howard had to turn him down. Gary told him it would probably be best not to have him in. Howard had to hang up on Janks because he wouldn't take ''no'' for an answer.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he got to see Stuttering John when he was out in Vegas. Howard didn't get to see him but some of the guys went out to dinner with him on Saturday night. Howard said he thinks John misses them but he's got a good gig going over there at the Tonight Show. Robin heard that John cried when he heard that Artie had died. That's what Howard heard as well. It was just a hoax though. Gary came in and told Howard that John was doing something for Access Hollywood and they pulled him aside and told him that Artie was dead. That's why he got so upset. Artie got to call him a pussy for crying over his death when he talked to him on the phone.
A listener called in and asked Howard about the shows Howard is watching these days. Howard told the guy he watches American Idol, Survivor, Joan of Arcadia, The Sopranos and Smallville. The caller also told Howard that he has been mentioned in a bunch of comics lately including the Fantastic Four. The guy said that Howard has also been in some of the new Batman comics. Howard said that's because he has been cast as Scarecrow for the next Batman movie where he'll get paid $12 million to do 17 minutes of scenes. The guy seemed to believe him but Howard was just pulling his leg.
Howard still hadn't chosen a song for Alanis to perform so he played a couple more and then had to take another break. He still wasn't clear on exactly which song he was going to have her perform.
Howard heard that NBC showed the ''Friends'' spin off ''Joey'' was shown at the NBC up front yesterday and some people say it was horrible but there are also people saying that it was actually very good.
Howard read that Benjy ate a full box of Klondike fudge bars on the air yesterday but Benjy said it was actually 2 atkins fudge bars that he brought in inside the box. He didn't eat a whole box. Howard spent a minute on that and then moved on to some other news stories.
Howard talked about how we're supposed to leave Iraq by June 30th but it doesn't look good at this point. He said we should have gotten Saddam out of there and then gotten our troops out of there right after. Howard got sidetracked again and talked about his daily lunch routine and how he has the same thing every morning. Artie said Howard gave him his breakfast one morning and it was actually very good. He could eat like that but he doesn't. Gary told Howard that he was talking to Jimmy Kimmel yesterday about going to the doctor and having prostate troubles. Artie turned to him and said something about how he has to take care of that stuff because it could get bad. Jimmy just turned to Artie and laughed at him because he's like the most unhealthy guy around.
Howard goes to this place to get a salad once in a while and there's one guy who gives him a great portion but there's another guy who gives him a crappy salad every time and it sucks. That led to Howard talking about this movie that's coming out where this guy eats only McDonald's food for a month and ends up having kidney failure. Gary saw the movie and told Howard that the guy puts on 17 pounds in 13 days. He told Howard how the guy would eat the full meal of whatever it was he ordered. He ate his first super size meal and ended up puking it up a short time after finishing it.
Howard heard Henry was kicked out of the Hard Rock because he had passed out in a bathroom with a crack pipe. Henry didn't want to say exactly what it was that got him kicked out because his parole officer might be listening. He did pass out somewhere to take a nap though. He admitted that. One of the E! guys came in and said he saw Henry passed out at a slot machine for a couple of hours at one point last week. Henry just laughed with his funny laugh while they were talking about all of that. Henry will be in town soon to promote his new book soon so he wants to hang out with Artie. Howard wrapped up the call after talking to him for a short time.
Howard and Artie talked about how great it was out in Vegas with all of the different people out there. Robin said she saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that had the ''t-word'' for breasts and ''beer'' written on it. Gary said he saw a guy wearing a t-shirt with a giant painted Howard Stern head on it and it just wasn't cool looking.
The woman told Howard that she's a performance artist now and she wouldn't have been able to form herself if she hadn't done the drugs. She's almost 40 years old and she looked pretty good according to Howard. She had a bit of hair down below so Howard told her she needs to shave down a little more. Howard thought her boobs looked pretty good. Chaunce said that you always find that heroin addicts have good bodies for some reason.
Howard asked the woman about how she got in the building naked. She said she was dressed when she drove in and when she got there she got naked in a private place. She was rambling about how she's sick of people judging other people and that's why she was naked or something like that. Howard finally found out what her name was after talking to her for 5 minutes or so. She said her name is Catherine Chronis. She was very loud and yelled out every answer to every question.
Howard let a few phone callers talk to Catherine. A few people weren't understanding some of the stuff she was saying even though she was yelling out all of her answers. They were mistaking some of the stuff she was talking about so Howard had to correct them. Howard said it was kind of funny to see her standing there naked talking about all of this stuff. Howard and the guys said that she could have been a good contestant in the Miss Butterface contest.
Chaunce said that Catherine can stand on her hands and do some stuff as well. She did a hand stand and sang a little bit of a song for the guys and it was horrible. Howard said it was really weird to see a woman with her boobs upside down like that. Gary said she also did a Y thing with her legs at the end and it was a bit uncomfortable.
Captain Janks called in and said that he'd like to offer her the chance to live in his basement as his sex slave for about 10 years or so. She said she's not into that and hopes he finds what he's looking for.
Catherine told Howard that she has invested in some equipment like a professional camera and an Apple G4 so she can edit video and stuff like that. She's working on some stuff with those things but she's not getting paid for any of it at this point. Howard had to wrap up with her a short time later. Howard told Chaunce that she was a good choice but not quite as good as Sal the Stockbroker's Uncle Paulie.
Chaunce had a few things to say to Fred about the things he said to him about his song parody yesterday. Howard told Chaunce that he was ruining today by bringing up yesterday and he should just get over it and leave. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard and Artie talked about their college days for a few minutes. Artie went to Union County College for about 2 months and then quit. Howard talked about how he liked college because he could smoke in class. He told Artie he was smoking 4 packs a day at one point. He wouldn't even clean out his ashtray because he liked the smell so much.
Howard could have gotten laid out in Vegas when he was there. He said it was really hard to be there without Beth there for 2 days. He met a bunch of great chicks out there and if Beth ever breaks up with him, he knows who he's going to call. Howard seems to think that Beth must go through the same thing with guys hitting on her all the time. Robin said she sees Howard having inane conversations with hot women sometimes and she doesn't know why he wastes his time doing that. He asks the women about their workouts and what they eat.
Howard says he's lucky as far as having sex because he and Beth are doing it just about every day. They did it last night, the night before and every day she was there in Vegas. Artie says he had a couple of good nights with Dana out in Vegas. He says they do it about 3 or 4 times a week. Howard thought that was pretty good.
Howard had Lenny Kravitz on the line but he had the porn clip from earlier in the morning playing. He said that Lenny's bedroom probably sounds like that. Robin said he should see the video for Lenny's new song because it's like his life with supermodels coming and going from his life. Lenny told Howard about the video and how he came up with the concept for it. Howard wondered what he was trying to show in the video. Lenny gets to meet even more hot chicks doing that video so Howard wondered if he has banged any of the chicks in the video. Lenny said he hasn't done that and didn't even get a phone number from any of them. Howard told Lenny that he's actually living that life he's showing in the video though. Lenny says that's not really him in that video.
Howard asked Lenny about all of the hot chicks he has and how he just doesn't get attached to any of them. Lenny said that it's all about the right person at the right time and things just haven't been right for them at the same time. Howard wondered how Lenny does the breakup with these women. He tried to find out but Lenny didn't want to get into that stuff. He really wanted to know because it's really interesting to him. Lenny told him that if things just aren't right, then things aren't right. Things may not end in a bad way and they just move on.
Howard asked Lenny if he ever had sex with Gina Gershon. He said they were just high school buddies and that was about it. Howard then asked Lenny to pretend that he was a girlfriend and he wanted to break up with her. Lenny just laughed as Howard went into a female voice and asked him how his day went. Howard went on to ask Lenny about Nicole Kidman. He wasn't going there either though.
Lenny changed subjects and asked Howard how he's doing with the problems he's having with the FCC and Clear Channel. They talked about that stuff for a short time but Howard wanted to talk about Nicole Kidman. Lenny didn't want to go there but Howard kept going. He was wondering if Nicole was the dog in the relationship and was cheating on him. Lenny said no one was the dog and everything was beautiful.
Howard asked Lenny about his daughter and how old she is. She's 15 now so Howard threatened to date her when she turns 20. Lenny said he might as well shoot him now if that's the case.
Howard mentioned Lenny's new album ''Baptism'' which is out today. He also took a few phone calls for him. One guy called in and asked where his free ticket is because Lenny passed out at a show one time because he was wearing leather and it was too hot. Lenny said he has only passed out once in his life and he was sorry for that. He wasn't offering any free tickets to the guy though.
Howard and Lenny talked about Lisa Bonet for a minute. Lenny said that she gets more beautiful as time goes on. He was married to her at one point and they have a kid together. Howard moved on to play some of Lenny's new CD. Lenny said he's going to be in New York City today working his way downtown baptizing people on their way. Howard thought it was promotion for the album but Lenny said it's promoting love and stuff like that. Howard played the new single ''Where Are We Runnin'?'' from Lenny's album. Lenny played all of the instruments and did all of the singing on the song.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the only person who ever left Lenny was this model Adriana Lima. Lenny said he doesn't know where the guy was getting his information. Howard let a few more callers talk to Lenny before ending the interview. There were a few guys that Lenny argued with for a few minutes. One guy asked Lenny about the baptism thing and if he was going to be doing it. Lenny said they have a minster who will be performing the baptisms. Howard and Robin asked him about being Jewish and if he was changing his religion or something. Lenny said being Jewish is part of his heritage and he'd never drop that.
Howard and Lenny spent a couple more minutes talking about marriage. Lenny says he'll get married one day so Howard wondered why. Lenny said he would like to and it will happen some day. Howard thinks that he'll be cheating at this bachelor party. As Howard was wrapping up Artie asked Lenny if he was related to Al Roker. Howard told him that Lenny's mother was Roxie Roker so that's where the confusion comes in. Lenny also said that his grandfather's name was actually Al Roker but he's not the same Al Roker the weatherman. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about Larry Flynt from Hustler magazine. In a new book about the guy they claim that he had sex with a chicken at age 9. Howard thought that it might be something he made up and doesn't necessarily believe it. That led to Howard talking about Saunders the Chicken who helped Jason and Will in their football pool picks last year. Howard said the chicken died and went on to tell the story about him. About a week after they brought him to a farm, the chicken died for some reason. The farmer told them that the chicken's are bread to have short lives and it just passed on. Howard wanted a full investigation but it might be too late for that.
Jason came in to talk about Saunders. He said that the chicken was looked at by a veterinarian and that's who told him that it died of a heart attack. He wasn't eaten either. He said he'd look into it and try to find out what happened after the chicken passed away. Jason and Will took care of that chicken for months while it was part of the football pool. They fattened up the chicken so much that it was bigger than any of the other chickens at the farm they left him at. The other chickens were apparently afraid of it. Howard and the guys talked about how the chicken actually did okay in the football pool. Jason said he's going to put some pictures of the late Saunders on HowardStern.com.
Howard still believes that Clear Channel fired him because of his political views and not the other reasons they're claiming. He said that he is endorsing John Kerry for President but the democrats are all afraid to say anything nice about him. That's not going to stop him from doing it though.
Howard still hasn't heard anything about the Oprah Winfrey complaints from the FCC yet. He knows that they're not going to fine her because they've already said that they can't fine someone like Oprah who is beloved by so many people. He and the guys spent a couple of minutes on that subject. Howard wants people to check out his web site to find out how to file complaints about Shannon Burke who recently said the F-word on the air.
Howard took a call from a woman who sounded like she was nuts rambling and cursing on the air. Howard had to hit the delay on her at least two times. The woman just couldn't make her point and continued to babble about something that no one could figure out. Howard thought she might be drunk or something. She finally said that she is tired of the hypocrisy of people and the fact that they're forcing everyone to have an opinion on everything. She didn't want to watch the 9/11 commission on TV when it was on recently and she wanted to know what she can do as a person to stop terrorism in the future. She still didn't have a good point to make though. She continued to ramble until Howard finally hung up on her. Howard said the woman was clearly overwhelmed and was stupid as well.
A listener called in and said he was listening to a Clear Channel show called Fast Freddie or something like that in Youngstown, Ohio and they said the f-word on the air. Howard took down the information and said they'll put up the information on his web site so people can file complaints.
Gary came in and told Howard they were going to change the schedule around because Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) has a mystery guest for them this morning. Howard told him to just bring them in. Gary ended up telling a story about Chaunce getting massages from this masseuse and she recently gave him a happy ending. Gary called the woman thinking that she was willing to come on the air to talk about it. She thought he was out of his mind and won't come on the air. There are some other things that Chaunce has done while he's been there trying out for Stuttering John's job. He's been trying hard but he sees things differently than they actually are.
Howard talked about Chaunce Hayden's write up about working on the show and how he has a weird spin on everything. You can read his stuff at HowardStern.com. Chaunce came in a minute later and said that if he handled the masseuse thing, she would have come on the air to talk about the happy ending thing. Chaunce said that he had spoken to her about coming on the air and she was willing to do it. He said he's the kind of guy who can get things done and he'll have her on the air tomorrow.
Beetlejuice came walking in this morning because it was part of Chaunce's big surprise this morning. Gary and Chaunce were arguing for a few seconds and then Jason revealed that his big guest is not willing to come on the air. Beetlejuice was in there so Howard spent a few minutes with him while Chaunce checked on his guest. Beetle talked about being in Vegas and how he got laid out there twice.
Chaunce came in a minute later with Beetlejuice's little sister. Her name is Erica and Howard didn't know that he had a real sister. Howard had her get close to the microphone so he could talk to her. Chaunce said that this was the hardest thing he ever did getting Erica on the air. Meanwhile, Howard noticed that Beetlejuice's big front tooth was missing. Beet said he just took it out for some reason.
Howard spent a minute talking to Erica and it turns out she's very religious and she never wanted to do the show in the past. Erica said she catches her brother smoking pot and stuff like that sometimes. Howard asked her if she's single and stuff like that. You could tell she was Beet's real sister from the answers she had. She answered questions saying ''ME?'' just like Beet has done in the past.
Erica said that she's got a job working at the church as an usher. She claims to make a lot of money working there. She makes sure the kids don't eat candy or gum in church. Howard aksed her how Chaunce was able to convince her to bring her on the show. She didn't really say how that happened though. Beet and Erica's mother was there as well so Chaunce went out to get her. She's got a few other kids that Erica mentioned quickly. The mother of the two of them came in a minute later so Howard spent a short time talking to her. She said that Beet is tough to control. Howard said he never thought he'd meed the mother and the sister and he was very happy about that. Beet's mom told him that he's tough to control sometimes because he's ''the man'' in the house.
Howard and Robin found out that Beet was able to complete high school in special ed classes but he made it all the way through. His mother said that she is in control of Beet's money and she's making sure it's taken care of the right way. Erica was sharing some of Beet's secrets with their mother. Mom didn't know that Beet gets women and does them in hotels. Howard got back to Erica for a short time and talked to her about her life. Erica even sang for the guys after they asked her to. She was dancing and singing some church song for them. Howard was ready to kiss her after hearing the song.
Howard heard that Beetlejuice lost his big tooth at the Spearmint Rhino strip club. Mom didn't know that Beet was at a strip club. Howard said that Beet's tooth is probably in one of the strippers. Mom and Erica didn't seem to know that Beet went to strip clubs. Chaunce was very proud of the fact that he got Erica to come in today. Howard asked Mom how Chaunce convinced them to come in. She said that she was just going to let Erica come on and she had no thought of coming on herself. Chaunce said he promised her that nothing bad would happen to her daughter while she was there and it would be a very special day for them and all of the fans.
Howard wondered how old Beetlejuice was. Mom said that he'll be 36 next month. His sister is 33. She's only 80 pounds. Beet claims to weigh 300 pounds but he tends to exaggerate a bit.
Howard took some phone calls and some people told them that they had a great couple of guests there this morning. People thought Chaunce did a good job getting them in there today. Howard said that Mom has her hands full with Beet and Erica. She works a job every day so Erica stays home and sleeps most of the day. Beet's mom also talked about the woman Beetlejuice was engaged to for a while. Mom doesn't want her daughter in show business like Beetle is even though Sean (Beet's manager) wants to get her in.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he would give them $25,000 to let them film them for a week like the Osbournes. It would be a great reality TV show. Beetlejuice immediately said ''no'' to that idea and refused to let them put a camera on them. Dominic said they'd like to follow them around and Beetle responded with ''You follow me around I'll break your neck...'' Erica seemed like she'd be up for the taping. Mom was opposed to the reality TV show thing as well. She doesn't want any of that stuff invading her life.
Mom has a husband but Erica told Howard that he's getting on her nerves. Beetle said he doesn't hang out around that guy and he goes out drinking to get away from him. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then Howard took a call from Double A who said that Beetlejuice is the man and women were all over him out in Vegas. Howard said he can't believe how many women he has and he worries about him sometimes. Double A said he got Beet's leftovers while he was out there in Vegas.
Howard wanted to give Beet's mom an award for putting up with him all of these years. He said that a lot of people would have dumped him off on the side of the road somewhere but she kept him around. Howard gave Erica $250 cash courtesy of ''Scary Movie 3.'' Beetlejuice was actually in ''Scary Movie 2'' which Erica never went to see. Beet said he didn't want to bring her to the movie. Chaunce said that he's very protective of his sister. Gary asked Beet if she got to see ''Bubble Boy'' which Beetlejuice was also in. She and her mother didn't go to the premiere of that one either. Artie said that his mother hasn't seen any of his movies either.
Howard gave Beet's mother another $250 and then gave Beet another $250 and said that it was a banner day for them. Chaunce was proud of his accomplishment today and everyone seemed to be happy with his guests. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Beet's missing tooth and wondered what he's going to do about that. Howard had to wrap up with everyone shortly after that.
Howard asked Alanis about the song she wrote that had been rumored to have been about Dave Coulier who she did date for a while. Alanis said that she hasn't said who it was about. She said that she may reveal who it was about some day but she wasn't saying it was Dave. Howard said he never gets that worked up about someone and doesn't write songs about it. Alanis said he talks about it on the air though so that's his outlet.
Howard asked Alanis about her love life as well. She's dating someone now by the name of Ryan Reynolds. She and Howard went over that for a short time and then Howard asked her about how her parents put her in show business at an early age. She said that she believes that parents who put her kids in show business like that are abusing their kids. Howard asked her about how long she's been in psycho therapy. She said it's been many years so Howard figured it was because of her parents making her perform like a monkey.
Alanis was on a show called ''You Can't Do That On Television'' as a child and it wasn't really a kids show. She said that it was supposed to be kid humor but there was a lot of adult humor in it. She was on that show for 2 years. Howard wondered if she felt bad for the people who got ''slimed'' on that show. She said she kind of liked it.
Howard and Robin wondered if she was also forced into the singing career. They were going over a lot of other things at the same time and found out she started dating at the age of 12. She said she only lasted about 3 days with her first boyfriend. She didn't lose her virginity until later in her teens but she was sexually active from the age of 14. Alanis said the first guy she had intercourse with was Dave Coulier. She was only 19 at the time and he was in his mid 30's. She has dated older guys quite a bit. She said when she was 17 she dated a guy who was around Howard's age. Howard read that at the age of 14 she dated a record executive guy. She said she was actually 15 and the guy was in his 20's. Howard said that's kind of scandalous.
Howard talked to Alanis about how she ran off to India after her first hit album. Howard said he hates India and would never go. Robin went there and got out of there within 48 hours because it was so horrible there. They also talked about dating and how hard it would be for Howard to date someone like Alanis who might get more attention than him.
Howard took a few phone calls for Alanis before having her perform her songs. He gave her a plug for her new album ''So Called Chaos'' which is out today. One phone caller asked Alanis when she met Dave Coulier. He thought she met him when she was on ''You Can't Do That On Television'' but she met him much later. Alanis also revealed that she experimented with a woman at one point because she felt it was a rite of passage but she discovered that she's heterosexual. Howard had to dig deeper into that and asked her if the woman was famous. She would not say who it was of course. Howard wondered how she approached the woman. She said she ''loved it'' at the time but she prefers her boyfriend. She said that it was good for her but there are other things to experience and she just moved on. She wasn't freaked out by it either.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let some people ask Alanis some questions. Howard then had Alanis perform a couple of songs. She first performed ''Head over Feet'' with just a couple of guitar players backing her up. Howard talked to her about the song when she was done. She said the song was written in about 25 minutes. She said when she sings the song now it's about Ryan but at the time it was written it was about a friend of hers. They also talked about the many times Alanis was turned down by record companies and how she now looks at those people and just smiles. She sold a ridiculous amount of albums and that can only bring a smile to her face.
Howard talked to Alanis about the money she's made and how she's spent some of it. Howard talked to her for a few more minutes and then had Alanis perform another song. This time she performed ''Ironic.'' Howard said he was moved by that song when she was done. Artie goofed on him for crying over that one.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Alanis about her song writing. She says she can't play guitar very well, just well enough to write songs. Howard gave her another plug for her album ''So Called Chaos'' and wondered if she would vote for Bush if she could. She said she doesn't think that she would vote for him, she would like to vote with the Green Party but that might screw things up. Howard convinced her that it would be best to vote for John Kerry.
Howard wanted Alanis to perform her new song ''Everything'' live for them but there was some controversy over the use of the word asshole. Gary went to check to find out if she was allowed to use the word on air. He came back a few seconds later and said Tom was shaking his head ''no'' to the use of the word. Howard and the guys came up with some alternate words she could use. They suggested stuff like bunghole, basshole, ass bowl and others. She decided to go with ''ass bowl'' and as soon as she said it she started to laugh so hard she had to start the song over again. She started the song over and used the word again but kept it together this time. She completed the song and Howard asked her about the lyrics and about her relationship with her boyfriend. Howard told her it was a beautiful song and he wishes her luck on finding everything she sings about in the song because men are skunks. He thinks that she may have to be with a woman to find that.
Howard asked Alanis about other performers like Jewel who changed her image and made herself over completely. Alanis didn't know enough about her new music to comment on that though. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and thanked Alanis and her two guitar players for coming in and performing for them.
Howard talked about ''60 Minutes'' and their celebration of Don Hewitt who created the show. Howard said they hate him over there and he'd never do an interview with them even if they asked him to do it today. He said they'd turn it around on him just like so many journalists do when they write an article about him. He did say that ''60 Minutes'' is good and they do a great job on the stories they cover. He seems to think they may be losing their edge though.
A listener called in and told Howard that his shows have been great lately and he should keep it up. That led to them talking about the Las Vegas shows that are showing on E! all this week. The caller said that he'd like the E! guys to warn people before showing High Pitch Erik making out with Wendy the Retard because he almost threw up just thinking about it.
Howard and Robin talked about Beetlejuice's sister who they met earlier in the morning. The caller said that Chaunce has his vote for making that happen.
A listener from Orlando called in and said he has a friend who plays the show at home so he can call up and listen to it over the phone. The caller talked about the lame shows they've put on the station they took him off of down there. Howard said that he hopes that Clear Channel doesn't do well with the shows they put on their stations but you never know. When he leaves a market and there's nothing else to listen to, you might tune into whatever is on even if it's not that great.
Howard read through some e-mail and one person thought the God Hates Fags family had a good looking daughter and mother and he'd like to bang them. There were e-mails about Chaunce and how annoying he's been the past couple of days. Some people thought he was a lying, manipulative douche bag. Howard read another mail from a fan who wants Howard to broadcast the show from Artie's funeral once he dies, most likely later this year. Howard asked Artie if that's okay with him. Artie said that's fine with him but Howard knows that his family will give them a hard time.
Howard read through a bunch of other e-mails. One was about Howard's tribute to Alan King. The writer didn't like King and his attitude. He didn't get tipped well after driving the guy in Vegas one time. Howard said that's what happens when you don't tip someone. That's why he always tips well. He even gave the dealer a $50 tip in Vegas after losing his shirt playing a game.
Robin was surprised that Artie didn't tell Alanis how her song ''Ironic'' really isn't ironic at all. Artie didn't think it was his place to do that this morning.
Howard played some tapes he had laying around there in the studio. He had some clips from the ''Survivor'' finale. He had tape of Jerri Manthey talking about how everything was making her so sick and the crowd booed her. That led to her walking off the show during the next commercial break. Howard said he wants her on the show now because she's out of her mind. He had another clip where she claimed that she went through post traumatic stress disorder. She admitted she sat in her car and cried for 3 hours one day.
Howard had tape of John the Stutterer calling in and apologizing for something he'd said on the air out in Vegas. He claims that the stuff he said about going to the swingers club while he was out there was not true. It took him over 3 minutes to get that out on the voice mail message though. He was just trying to sound like a cool guy and he didn't actually get laid while he was at the club. He rambled on for a short time about why he did what he did. No one was hanging out with him out there and he was just trying to be cool. Howard said he's glad John didn't do anything at that club and he shouldn't be upset about lying to them.
Howard took one last call and a guy asked Howard about the bathtub scene in his movie ''Private Parts'' and what Fred did with that porn star. Howard told the guy that the scene was an amalgam of a few stories that they made into one scene. Howard never actually got in a tub with Fred except for that scene. One of the stories was about a bathtub incident they had with Jessica Hahn. It was Howard, Jackie and Stuttering John in a hot tub with her and Jackie ended up getting into a lot of trouble with his wife over that. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
Johnny told Howard his side of the story that makes it sound like he fell onto the field accidentally and even broke his arm in the process. He claimed that he was pushed and fell onto the field while trying to catch a foul ball. Then he pulled out a sign he had in his pocket that said ''Howard Stern for President'' and was arrested shortly after that.
Howard and Johnny went over the story for a short time and then the guys gave their thoughts on whether or not he'll be found guilty. Both Robin and Artie seem to think he'll be found guilty mostly because he had the sign with Howard's name on it. It will seem pre-meditated to anyone who hears the story. Howard seems to think he'll be able to get off though because he really didn't interfere with the game like Calvin Klein did... plus this guy isn't named ''Calvin Klein'' so how can he be charged under the ''Calvin Klein Law?'' You can find out more about Johnny's problem at FreeJohnny.com
Howard started off the show talking about how tired he was. He then went on to talk about how Crazy Cabbie is getting kind of loopy on them. He still wants his $10,000 from Win Fred's Money (from a year or two ago) even though Tom has explained to him why they can't give it to him. He can't just move on and get over it for some reason. Howard wanted to talk to Cabbie but they weren't sure if he was still in the building this morning. Cabbie came in shortly after that. They played Cabbie's theme song all the way through once he came in and sat down. Howard wondered who created that song. Gary told him that it was this guy John the Mailman who also did ''N***** Hatin Hat.
Cabbie and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the $10,000 that Cabbie wasn't able to take home with him after he beat Fred at Win Fred's Money. Cabbie was arguing that Double A had won two prizes within a period of time which was also against the rules of the radio station. Cabbie thinks that because they let Double A slide with the rules, they should let the rules slide with him. Howard told Cabbie that he has to get over it and move on. Cabbie says he's going above Tom to try and get this money. He said that the ten grand means a lot to a guy like him. Howard told Cabbie that he's an employee and that's different than a listener. He said Tom gave Double A a break because he's a fan and they're trying to please the fans. Cabbie just can't get over the fact that he's not getting that $10,000. Howard said that maybe he can make the ten grand some other way.
Howard and Cabbie went back and forth on the argument for a little while but nothing was sinking in with Cabbie. Double A called in and tried talking to Cabbie about the prizes he won that led to this controversy. Cabbie told Howard that he values his advice but it sounds like he's still going to try and get his money. Howard said he would like to see them give Cabbie his money but he shouldn't ruin his relationship with Tom.
Fred told Cabbie he'd be willing to have a grudge match to settle everything. If Fred beats him again, then he has to drop the whole thing and leave Tom alone. Howard said that could be something that works if they can get another $10,000 for them to compete for. They could set the rules up so Cabbie could win if he beats Fred. Howard is going to talk to Tom about the contest and see if they can set that up.
Cabbie wondered why Howard let the married guys win the prizes in the BANGO games while they were out in Vegas. Howard told him that they let anyone play and it just turned out that married guys were winning. Cabbie sounded like he was really interested in Taylor Rain after seeing her. He said he's got some of her movies (Get her movies here) and she does some really crazy stuff. He also said his girlfriend would like to have her come home with them because they both like her.
Artie said that Cabbie has a theory on the Nick Berg beheading video. He said he watched the video clip online and he thinks that Berg may have been dead already when they cut his head off. He also noticed that the guy who cut his head off had white hands and most Arabs don't have white flesh. One of the guys was wearing Air Jordan sneakers and the chair Berg was sitting in looked like a plastic chair from Target or something. Howard said he's heard some of those theories from a bunch of people. Cabbie also made a good point about blood. There was no blood spurting out when they cut his head off and there should have been. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a couple of minutes.
A listener called in and brought up Beetlejuice and his sister who was on the show yesterday. Howard said you can see pictures of them on HowardStern.com. Howard went on to talk about how good Alanis Morissette was on the show yesterday as well. He got a couple of nice phone calls after the show yesterday because it went so well. The caller told Howard that he had to apologize to him because he beat off to the picture of his girlfriend in FHM magazine. Howard told him that she's got a new one coming out in August as well.
Howard was reading an interview with a woman from the FCC where she talks about how they're not going to be fining Oprah Winfrey because of who she is. Howard said she even seems to be poking him with a stick by saying that she tuned into the show and she was shocked at how boring it was. The article was depressing to read according to Howard. He went on to say that Oprah has been using the T-word for breasts on her show so it must be okay for him to play it on his show. He said that the FCC isn't going to fine her for that so he won't get fined for it either? Howard played the audio from the show but the delay was hit on him... He didn't know it right away. Howard doesn't have a problem with them using that word. He said if that was bleeped on his show (and it was) then it just shows the hypocrisy of this whole thing and that's why he wants out of the business. He said you can read the article he was talking about at HowardStern.com.
Howard took a call from this guy Hunter who has been on the show in the past. He's the guy who stole away Andy Dick's girlfriend at one point. Hunter said that he ended up moving to France, that's why he hasn't been around. Howard told some stories about Hunter and spent a short time talking to him.
Hunter told Howard he went to see the band Velvet Revolver the other night and they were great. He said they're supposed to be on Howard's show soon and they should be good. He's only back in the country for 3 days before he flies back to France. He and Howard talked for a couple of minutes before Howard let him go.
Cabbie called in and told Howard about the Oprah clip and how the T-word never made it on the air. Howard said that's Dead Air Dave hitting the delay button on it. He got pissed and wondered why the FCC isn't fining Oprah for the language she's using on her show. The delay was hit once again while Howard and Cabbie were talking about this stuff. Howard said he wants off the air already because it will just make him bigger than life.
Robin said that Oprah is going to have a 13 year old girl on the show today talking about having sex. Howard pointed out that she's exploiting children on her show and you just can't do that. He said he could do the same thing but he has too much respect for the 13 year olds and their families. Howard played the Oprah clip once again and told the guys not to censor it but they hit the button once again. Howard pointed out that Oprah isn't going to get fined for that clip so he won't be either.
There are stories about Howard's boss Mel and the other owner of the company, Sumner Redstone, who have been fighting with each other. Howard seems to think that Mel is going to leave the company and he's going to follow him. He went on to talk about all of the stuff the company owns and how their stock isn't worth as much as it should be. He went on to read the article he had about Redstone and Karmazin. Redstone was talking about the successor to him in the company and he says that Mel is in the running for the position. Howard wonders if that snake Les Moonves is also in the running. He said he didn't go to the CBS up fronts this year because of Moonves and the way that guy treats him. He said that Moonves should be kissing his feet.
Howard continued to read the article about Mel and how he may leave the company of Redstone doesn't appoint him to the head of the company. That led to Howard bringing up a conversation he had with Mel about leaving the company in 18 months when his contract is up. Howard isn't sure what he wants to do but Mel lays the guilt trip on him to keep him on the air. Gary wondered if Howard has an age in his mind where he says he doesn't want to do this stuff anymore. Howard said it was age 40. He wakes up every morning now and wonders what he's doing.
Howard found out that the delay was hit on the Oprah clip he played twice earlier. Gary told Howard that they've gotten song parodies from fans lately that they just can't play on the air. One of the guys asked him if they could have played them a year ago and he said that they probably could have but now they can't because of the FCC crap that's going on.
Howard talked about how he's caught in this endless loop where he gets pissed at the FCC for a while, then gets a ton of e-mail telling him to shut up. He went on to talk about how much love they got while they were out in Las Vegas and how his fans should be storming the streets about all of this nonsense. He said that only thing saving him right now is the anti-Bush campaign he's doing. He believes that they're holding back because if he gets taken off the air, he'll be made a martyr and they don't want that.
The American Idol judges were there so Howard was going to take a break before getting to them. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the remaining people on the show and how they're all fat. Howard went to break after that.
Simon seems to think he'll be back to eating Dunkin' Donuts in no time. Paula seems to think that he'll be able to stick with it and he's dedicated to dieting. Randy said he was at 335 at his heaviest but he was still able to perform sexually.
Howard moved on to Paula Abdul. Simon thought it was funny that Paula was actually looking forward to coming on the show today. He thought that was crazy because she really shouldn't look forward to something like this. Simon also talked about how he has talked to Randy about the weight loss and how he used to be a big security blanket for him but now he's lost all of the weight.
Howard talked to Paula about her thumb and how it's been wrapped up in a bandage for most of the season so far. She had her nails done at a nail salon and ended up getting an infection. She explained how she was cut by the woman and how the finger got infected and really hurt within a few hours. She had to go to the emergency room because she had a fever from the infection. She had to have her finger drained and the blood that came out was full of pus and green stuff. She also had to have the fingernail removed after that. Howard wondered if that is her wiping hand as well. Everyone sighed and said they knew that was coming when he said it.
Howard spoke to Randy about the woman he's with for a couple of minutes. Simon and Randy asked Howard about his love life and if he's ever been with a black woman. Howard said he has been with a black woman and joked that he has hit Robin a few times as well. He quickly got back to Paula so he could ask her about her love life as well.
Howard read some stuff about PAula and the guy's she's been with. She has dated a few guys and things didn't work out with them. Howard read that she went back to Arsenio Hall after this recent breakup. She said she hasn't seen him in over 7 years so that's not true. She also said that she hasn't called Emilio Estevez like the tabloids said she did. Gary came in a minute later and said that they had that woman Sam Philips in recently who said that Emilio had a very large penis. Paula said that wasn't really true. That led to Paula saying that she has seen both Randy and Simon and they're both big in the pants as well.
Howard tried to find out more about Paula's love life and if she's gotten laid lately. She said she really hasn't and she hasn't even been on a date lately. Robin asked her if she's called John Stamos since he's single now. She felt sorry for John and how he has to go through all of the media stuff now that he's getting divorced. Howard said he's seen John Stamos' penis and he's very well hung. He told the story about the night he had Rebecca Romijn-Stamos topless in his apartment. His girlfriend was in the tub while he was in the bed with Rebecca. He said Stamos got in the tub with Beth and pulled down his pants. He ended up pulling his girl out of the tub when that happened.
Howard changed subjects and talked to all of the guys about American Idol and the controversy about the people who have been voted off lately. Howard went over a lot of the stuff that happens on the show like the fact that Simon will never get up and give a standing ovation to anyone, ever. Simon doesn't think that he has any reason to do that.
Howard brought up the fact that most of the contestants are fat on the show and if they just lost a few pounds and dressed right, they'd look great. Paula told Howard that Simon whispered in her ear at one point that one of the girls looked like Fred Flintstone as she was singing. They continued to talk about the fat chicks on the show and how the show seems to be made to make stars out of ugly people who have some talent.
Howard wondered why Paula never gets up and performs a song on American Idol. She said it's not her show and it's not about her, that's why she doesn't perform. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to them about the show. He brought up Ryan Seacrest and told them to try and put a stop to his saying ''Seacrest Out.''
Howard asked Paula not to cut Simon off when he's critiquing the contestants on the show. She said she only does that when he says something ridiculous like ''You look like Jay Leno'' or something like that. Paula apologized to Simon about what she does but Randy said they're not going to stop interrupting him.
Howard said his favorite moment from last night was when Fantasia's brother used the word ''umble'' instead of humble. Howard played the clip but it was from Access Hollywood, not from American Idol. Robin told Howard that it's a common use of the word in the black community.
Howard did an F***, Marry, Kill game with Paula. Out of Simon, Randy and Ryan she had to pick one to F***, one to marry and one to kill. She had to think about it for a minute though. She said that she would marry Randy... but then gave up on the game because she didn't want to play. Howard eventually got her to say that she would F*** Simon and kill Ryan. Simon said ''...then it really would be Seacrest Out.''
Gary told Howard that Simon and Paula are very touchy feely when they're hanging out together. One of the interns was getting some releases signed and when she came back she wondered if the two of them are doing it. Howard thinks that maybe they have done it and Simon is sworn to secrecy.
Howard asked Simon about the fact that he banned his girlfriend from going to the Playboy mansion. Simon said he thinks it's inappropriate for her to go there because it's a place for guys to go. He said that there is a time and a place for stuff like that. He said he will allow her to go to the mansion for parties but she can't go there with him. Simon seems to want to just go there so he can flirt with women without his girlfriend being there to mess things up. He swears that he hasn't cheated on his girlfriend though.
Howard took some phone calls and let a few people talk to them. One guy thought that there was something going on with Simon and Paula. Another guy said that Paula had been with Magic Johnson but she said that wasn't true. Howard ripped through a few more calls after that. One guy called Simon a dick and no one said anything to defend him. Another guy heard that Simon and Paula had dated at one point and then told Randy he was still the size of a moose. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Randy and Paula that Simon is the only one who tells the truth on that show and it would be nothing without him. Shuli also called in and called Randy a ''schwartza'' for some reason. Howard was ready to hang up on him but he kept him on. Shuli asked about the Australian Idol winner who was on last night. They talked about that guy for a minute and they thought he was pretty good, he's just kind of odd looking. Simon said he doesn't think ''idol'' when he sees that guy. Howard wrapped up the interviews and thanked Paula, Randy and Simon for coming in. He went to break a short time later.
Howard got bitten by a bug out in Las Vegas and he has a strange mark on his arm that won't go away. Robin said she has something similar so she came over to show it to Howard so they could compare it. Howard said Beth has like four of them on her body. Artie doesn't have any so he figures that the bugs tried to bite him but the booze made them pass out.
Howard got a few kisses on the mouth from Paula as he was saying good bye to her. Artie told him he thinks he could get her if he wanted to. Howard thought they were really good guests. Artie was entertained as well and he doesn't even watch their show.
There was an article in the paper about this guy who went to Scores and blew like $28,000 in one night. Now he's suing them and doesn't want to pay his Amex bill. Howard read that the guy was doing up the whole night doing all kinds of stuff. He ordered 5 magnums of champagne and he had like 350 lap dances in one night.
Dominic Barbara interrupted that conversation to tell Howard he has some of those bug bites on his arm. He thinks he got them from the concert they went to. Dominic joked that he was going to sue the show because of the bites. He also told Howard that the guy who is suing Scores is probably going to drop the case because his credit cards will be open for review if he goes to court. They'll try to prove that this is his regular way of life. Howard went on to read more of the article he had about the guy. Lonnie from Scores was quoted talking about what the guy spent the money on. The guy is claiming that he was charged for stuff he didn't do there and he doesn't owe the $28,000 they claim he does.
Dominic's phone cut out so Howard had to hang up on him. He continued to talk about that for a short time and then moved on to some other stuff. Joey Boots called in and told Howard that he has some of those bug bites on his arm and it's because they don't clean the comforters at the hotels in Vegas and that's where the bugs come from. Howard told him not to bad mouth the Hard Rock like that. Joey said that it's all of the hotels though.
Howard had news for Gary. Gary came in and said that he already knew what it was. Howard said that their friend Ross Zapin got engaged while he was over in Italy. Gary said he and his other friends wondered what she said to that when he asked her to marry him. She said yes but they haven't set a date yet. Howard thinks that all of these guys think he's not happy about their marriages but he is. He said he's just against marriage for himself and he's happy for these guys if they want to get married.
One of Ross' cousin's called in and said they're all very happy for Ross. Howard took some other phone calls after that. One guy said that the bites they all got out in Vegas are chiggers. He also suggested that everyone go to the doctor and get them checked out because they can get infected. Artie said he had to do that one time out in Los Angeles. The doctor told him that he was lucky he came.
Zolar called in and told Howard that he saw the top sheets being cleaned at the Hard Rock when he was there. He said that he also has some of those bites on his body that he's going to get checked out by a doctor.
Howard ripped through a few more phone calls after that. One guy asked Howard about going to Sirius satellite radio. Howard said all of that stuff is still just talk at this point. He's not going anywhere at this point. Another caller told Howard that the bite he has might be from a brown recluse spider and he really should get it checked out. Howard doesn't have the time to get it checked out because he's so busy with other stuff. A lot of people got the bites while they were out there in Vegas.
One caller said that it sounds like fire ant bites. Howard said so far it's chiggers, spiders and fire ants that bit them. Howard plunked down a few more phone calls and ended up talking about Ross again for a short time. One guy called in and talked about his failed marriage and how bad that was. His wife ended up cheating on him and still got half of his stuff. Howard gave the guy a $250 prize for his troubles.
Howard had Chaunce Hayden come in quickly to talk about his Harlem Ho Beauty Pageant. Chaunce told Howard that he went down to Harlem last night and picked up 4 ho's and their pimps and took them back to his house to make sure they got in there this morning. They actually spent the night at his place. Chaunce quickly explained the contest and how that was going to work. Howard went to break before getting to the game.
Howard brought in this guy Julio who is actually the pimp for these whores. He spent a couple of minutes talking to him about the ho business. Julio said that he used to be a ho himself and he would only bang chicks. Howard asked him about his job and how many hos he has working for him. Julio said he has 13 of them right now. He said they do jump around from pimp to pimp just like any other job. Howard and Robin asked him how much money a ho can get. Julio said it can range from $100 to $500 depending on who you're dealing with.
Chaunce introduced the first ho, Diamond. She came in and Julio described her look and what her specialty is... That would be Anal. Howard asked Diamond how long she's been in the business. She's only been doing it for 3 weeks and her street is 129th street. She used to work in a doctors office but there were a lot of problems there. She's also a lesbian so it's tough for her to be with men. Howard said that the winner would be getting $500 courtesy of Bally Total Fitness. He asked Diamond a couple of personality questions and what her most memorable whore moment was. She said she had a guy steal her bra and panties and run around in the parking lot yelling ''Look at me!'' Diamond's talent was that she can put a Hennesy bottle in a bad place. She took the bottle, put a condom on it and shoved it somewhere it didn't belong. She could also make it ''jump'' according to Julio.
Next up was Heaven the ho. She was a white girl who was about 5'9'' tall. She's been in the business for just a month and a half. She hadn't done anything before that. She's only 20 years old. She works 125th Street. Heaven says she can make about $800 a day working the streets. She talked about how she did about seven guys the other day and made $800. The guys asked Heaven some questions and found out that her hero is Howard. She said the strangest request she ever had was to rub his thing with her feet. Heaven's talent was that she can juggle silicone breast implants.
Howard moved on to the third contestant, Candy. Howard said she looked sweet and very young. She was only 19. She's been in the business for about 6 months. She told Howard about how nasty some of these guys are that hop on top of her. Howard described her as looking like a black version of Suzanne Somers or something. She claims she can make up to $1000 a night. She works on 113th and Manhattan Ave. The guys asked her some questions and found out she used to be an administrative assistant. She was making about $11 an hour doing that. She can get anywhere from $300 to $400 just for oral sex. She claims that she uses condoms for everything she does with guys. She said her hero is Hugh Hefner. Her most memorable ho moment was when she was in a toy store giving a guy oral and a cop came up to her and asked her how much it would cost for him. Her talent was cracking her butt or something like that.
Howard brought in the last girl, Phatty Girl. She was pretty big but attractive according to Howard. He asked her how much she weighs. She said she's 200 pounds but she can make some good money. She last worked on Saturday and made about $1000. She works 183rd and Broadway. She ended up servicing some guys at this private party she worked. She's been in the business for about two and a half years so far. She told her most memorable whore moment but they weren't sure what they could say. Howard tried to explain it but gave up. Robin came up with a good explanation and said that this guy left her a present in her hands and then drank it himself. Phatty Girl's talent was to pour hot wax on her private parts. She went ahead and did that with a lot of painful sighs from the guys in the studio. She said it didn't hurt her though.
Gary told Howard that they didn't have all of the prize money they thought they did so they'd have to give other prizes instead. Robin said she had to give her high score to Phatty Girl. Howard liked Candy so he picked her as the winner. Artie went with Phatty Girl like Robin did. Fred followed their lead and picked Phatty as well. Gary was going to vote for Candy but Phatty had already won. She was then crowned Miss Harlem Ho 2004. She won $500 courtesy of ''Scary Movie 3'' which is out on DVD now. The other girls won watches from Steven Singer Jewelers.
Julio got in a plug for his web site RamboEntertainment.com. The other girls didn't look so happy that they didn't win so they talked about that a little bit. Howard thanked them for coming in and sent them on their way. He went to commercial break shortly after that.
Howard said he's not going to the doctor and he doesn't care. She told him that the worst bite of all could be a human bite. The doctor didn't seem to think it was all that serious and it would eventually go away on it's own. Howard spent a few minutes with her and then took a break and then had Robin finish up her news.
Howard complained that there was nothing on TV last night. Artie laughed and said that it was funny they said that because the Nets played the Pistons last night. Howard said they were talking about real TV. Artie went on to talk about Jason Kidd and how he didn't score one point last night. He thought that was a pretty big story because that never happens. Howard seemed to think it was a pretty big deal as well. The guys talked about that and how it was like Sam Kinison not getting one laugh. Artie says he's now hoping that the Timberwolves will win. Artie isn't betting on any of these games because of the amount of money he blew out in Las Vegas. Howard wondered if he's not drinking as well. Artie would just say that he's not betting for a while. Nothing about drinking.
Howard said he got a million e-mails about their bug bites that they talked about during the show yesterday. He isn't going to worry about his and Robin said hers is starting to go away. Howard put some stuff on his trying to dry it out as did Robin. The e-mail said that it could have been anything from chiggers to who knows what. They got a call from the Hard Rock people who told them that it was chiggers and they'd get it from the sand out there. They suggested putting nail polish remover on the bites and it would suffocate the chiggers and get them out of there. Howard thought he was nuts and the guy who told him that has to be insane. He wanted Gary to get him on the phone so he could ask him about that.
Howard said everyone who went out there to Las Vegas got those bites... except Fred who didn't go outside. Artie didn't get any either. Gary came in and said they looked it up on the web and found that you can put fingernail polish remover or polish on the bite to make it stop itching. Howard and Robin both said they don't itch though.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that chiggers lay eggs in there and they hatch and crawl out of you. A woman caller said that you put clear nail polish on the bites to stop the itching. She wasn't sure if they live in the bites or not though. Howard doesn't have time to go to the doctor so he just wants to forget about the whole thing. He wants to know what to do because that doctor he had on the show late yesterday didn't help at all.
Cabbie called in and said that the chiggers do dig into your skin and live in there. He said that if you put a dab of super glue on the spot it suffocates them. Gary came back in and said that he read that chiggers do not live in your skin, they just bite you and drop off. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he went to a pharmacist who told him to put some Witch Hazel on his bites and they're almost gone already. Howard told Gary to go get him some Witch Hazel so he could get rid of his.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to just cut off his finger to get rid of that bite he has on it. He went on to talk about how Gary got a call from Kevin Bacon who wanted to voice his support for them in this FCC thing. He seemed to think that was a very nice thing to say. Steve Martin also called Howard and told him that his friend Eric Idol wrote a song called ''F*** the FCC'' but they can't play it on the radio show. He said he put it up on his web site HowardStern.com instead. He said that's where he'll have to put all of the funny stuff from now on. The web site will be built up over the coming weeks and months according to Howard. He had a meeting about it after the show yesterday and they have big plans for it. They spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the stuff that's up there now including pictures of Artie that sound pretty funny.
Howard said they made a phony phone call with Uncle Paulie and Tom bleeped it so much it just ruined it. He went off on George Bush and the FCC for a couple of minutes. Then he moved on to a song parody that a fan sent in. He said this one guy started off his song singing about the FCC and censorship but then starts singing about his girlfriend Beth and forgets about the FCC stuff. Howard played the song and it's not all that good but it was about the FCC and what they're doing to him. Then the guy sings about how even if Howard's career is ruined he still has Beth. He sings about her flat stomach and how she'll make everything alright. Howard thought it was one of the best songs he'd ever heard. The guys had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard mentioned some of the guests they have coming in soon. They have the band Velvet Revolver, Dennis Rodman, Tom Arnold and Rodney Dangerfield all coming soon. Howard moved on to talk about Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) who has been in all week trying out for Stuttering John's job. He's gotten a ton of hate mail and Fred said he read it and he has no chance of winning John's job.
Howard read some of the mail he got about the Las Vegas E! shows. One person wrote in about the shorts that Howard was wearing out there and how bad he looked in them. He went on to read some of the negative mail he got about Chaunce Hayden. People were vicious and talked about how bad he's been on the show and how annoying he is. There were people who thought that Chaunce got paid for having those whores on the show yesterday. Someone pointed out that the pimp's web site was a sponsor for the magazine that Chaunce writes for. People were complaining about Chaunce's voice and how annoying that was to them. Someone even said that anyone who has anything nice to say about Chaunce is a liar.
Gary came in and said that Chaunce was ready to go home after hearing some of that stuff. He brought him in a minute later and Chaunce was just crying over it. He couldn't even talk because he was crying so much. Howard tried to get him to talk but he started to get up to leave. Artie said this might just get him the job. They let him try to compose himself for a few seconds but he couldn't talk. Chaunce said that he can't do it... He said this whole thing meant a lot to him and it's been a long week. He said it might be the lack of sleep and the long week that caused him to get upset. He said he obviously doesn't belong there. Howard told him that all of the guys have gotten bad e-mail. Artie got a ton of hate mail when he started but that doesn't matter. It's all up to Howard for who gets on the show and stays on the show.
Howard let a couple of phone callers through to goof on Chaunce. A guy said that if that fag Chaunce was sitting there crying he doesn't belong on the show. Chaunce agreed that he's a fag for crying... but Howard defended him and said he just came in with some raw emotions.
Chaunce told Howard how much pressure there is on him to perform this week because he wants to make Howard happy. He said that Howard's acceptance and approval for the work he's done this week means everything to him. He hasn't been able to sleep and it's been tough. Artie told Chaunce about this web site that hopes that he does and another one that calls him Fat Loser so much that they abbreviated it to just FL... but after all of that, he never cried. He said that and called Chaunce a fag for crying. Howard said he respected him as a man coming in there and crying though.
A caller told Chaunce that he could change the way people think about him by making a Nick Berg (decapitation) video of himself. Chaunce said he knew that there would be hate mail but it was just too much this morning. Chaunce isn't taking his name out of the running for the job. He said there's nothing else he could have done this week to make things better. He seems to think that he has failed to win the audience over.
Cabbie called in and said that Chaunce was lying about all of this and he was laughing about the negative e-mail earlier in the morning. He also pointed out the disturbing stuff that Chaunce wrote about Howard shaving his legs and how he was staring at them while he was rubbing them the other day. Chaunce and Cabbie argued about each other's tryout for John's job and who did a better job. The two of them went at each other for a short time. Cabbie said he was going to eat Chaunce's face. Howard thought it was funny that Chaunce came in and cried and this was the sympathy he got.
Cabbie kept pointing out that Chaunce paid his guests to come in while Howard has never paid for a guest. Chaunce was goofing on Cabbie about his game ''Guess the Nese'' game that he played with the guys. Howard eventually hung up on Cabbie and spent a little more time talking to Chaunce about his week there.
Gary came in again with a smile on his face. He said that some people told him that Chaunce was claiming that he got applause from the people on the show for his work there. Chaunce said he was talking about how Sal the Stockbroker got applause from them after his tryout. He had the story wrong according to Chaunce. Howard and the guys in the room seem to like Chaunce. Artie told him that means it will be about 26 million to 6 in the voting. A listener called in and said that he actually likes Chaunce... Then he said he was kidding and he really just sucks.
Gary came in and ended up yelling at Chaunce about how dishonest he is. He pointed out how Chaunce will be nice to him back in the office but then he'll write something up about him on the web site and bad mouth him. Gary said that he has walked Chaunce through some of the stuff he worked on all week and he was a big phony complaining about how he didn't get any support from him.
Double A called in and asked how long it would be before we got to see this big homo on the E! show. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said they'll get to the big homo after the Las Vegas shows air. Howard and the guys thought that was pretty funny that she was calling him a big homo herself. Chaunce was still a little upset and he was still crying about what was going on.
Howard asked Chaunce to calm down and blow his nose during the break so he can finish out his day. Chaunce said he will do that but he ended up talking about Gary for a couple of minutes first. He was saying that Gary is more sensitive than he is and he never forgets anything you say about him. He said that he holds a grudge really long and never forgets anything. Gary said that Chaunce is really full of it and he no longer believes any of his celebrity interviews. He said he has to hear tape of those interviews before he'll believe anything he writes.
Chaunce thinks he's just been honest this week and brought something different to the table as far as his web site write ups have been. Howard let a few more callers goof on Chaunce. One guy said the reason they don't like him is because he lies about so much stuff. Another caller thought Chaunce should get the job because he and Gary would have the same chemistry as Stuttering John and Gary did. Howard had to take a commercial break after talking about all of that stuff.
Howard read some other mail about stuff that's been going on with the show lately. He got some hate mail that he shared so Chaunce could hear that. There were some people who wrote in about the American Idol judges interview from yesterday's show.
Howard brought up the movie ''Super Size Me'' that is about a guy who went on a fast food diet for a month and ended up getting very sick after eating only fast food. Howard said he thinks it's funny how McDonald's never advertises on his show because they think he's bad for kids but they're the ones who are really ''bad for kids'' since their food is so fattening. Gary came in and said that he read an article about how McDonald's is phasing out the super sized meals now and it may have to do with that movie.
Howard said he's heard a story about the band KISS and all of the stuff they sell. He said he hates the commercialism of the band and now they have a special $1000 ticket for their concerts. It includes a bunch of stuff including some KISS merchandise, a tour of the backstage area and first or second row seats. He talked about that for a short time and wondered why the band would do something like that. Howard would be embarrassed to do something like that to one of his fans. It's a little too intense for him but it doesn't seem to affect Gene Simmons.
Howard brought up the Olsen Twins and how they're rumored to be drinking and banging guys already. Their last movie didn't do too well and now they'll probably have to start selling sexy clothes and stuff since they're getting older now. Howard said they're really awful actresses and you'd think they'd pick up something after being in the business so long. He also seems to think that they're getting the ''butterface'' thing. They're dressing sexy like they're trying to be grown up slutty but they still have baby faces. He said it's kind of freaky to see that and it's looking weird.
A listener called in and said his brother bought a ticket to go back stage at a KISS concert. He described the scene to Howard and it sounded pretty lame. The two of them talked about how KISS then tries to sell the fans more of their merchandise.
Chaunce asked Howard if he ever had a sense of betrayal from Stuttering John. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with John, he has a problem with Jay Leno who is a sell out and a shill. He said he's the most dishonest about the amount of stuff they steal from his show. Howard talked about Stuttering John leaving the show and how he thinks he really wanted to leave the show. Howard likes John and has no problem with him. He doesn't like Leno and said that he's a ''whinning bitch.'' Jay apparently called and asked Howard if he wanted to appear on his show while they were out in Las Vegas and he turned him down. He said he'll do anything for ratings and that was one of the things he was willing to do to get ratings.
Chaunce asked Howard about the FCC. He said that it almost makes the show better because there is that line that Howard can cross. Howard believes that his show could be 50 times funnier if he was on satellite radio because he could speak the way he talks off the air. Howard said he could use the C-word for a woman's private parts like he does off the air. He said he even uses that word with an ''ie'' at the end.
Chaunce asked him if he thinks of himself as an agnostic or atheist. Howard didn't want to say. He said he knows there is no God but just in case there is, he doesn't want to piss him off. He doesn't believe that something like the Nick Berg beheading could happen if there was a god. Robin said she doesn't believe there is one. Chaunce told her to talk about that on her own time since he was interviewing Howard.
Chaunce asked him if he thinks he would go to heaven or hell if they actually exist. Howard believes he would go to heaven. Chaunce asked him if he has fear about death. Howard does and he hates thinking about it. He wondered if there was a god, would he let him die?
Chaunce asked Howard a few more questions about Beth and if she gets any of his stuff if he passes away. Howard said no to that. Chaunce asked him if he would go on with the show if Robin passed away prematurely. Howard said he would go on with the show but would probably take over her job as the ''newswoman'' on the show. He might hire a woman to do the news on the show but she wouldn't be as prominent on the show as Robin.
Chaunce asked Howard about starting out in radio and if he would have changed his career line if that meant he would have remained married. Howard would not have changed that and he feels that his work is his mistress and wouldn't change that for anything. Chaunce then asked him about who was the first person to bring up the whole divorce thing in his relationship with Alison. Howard said he did't remember and it was a very mutual feeling. They were both unhappy and he's sure one of them brought it up but he doesn't remember who it was. He talked about how surprised he was that Alison got married so quickly after the divorce but he's happy about that.
Chaunce asked which wack pack member Howard is most concerned about. Howard joked that it was Chaunce but then said that it was John the Stutterer who has had a lot of issues with his stuttering throughout his life. He thinks he's sad and he's been beaten up by life so much.
Chaunce then asked him about Hank the Dwarf and if he thinks the show enabled his drinking and eventually his death. Howard said he believes that the show actually made Hank acceptable to people and it helped him become accepted. Hank told Howard that he didn't care if he died and that's what he wanted so he wasn't going to stop drinking no matter who tried to stop him.
Chaunce brought up how Beth said that the one thing that bothers her about Howard is how everything is about him. He wondered if anything was said after she revealed that to him. He said that they did talk about that and any woman who can deal with that is a saint. He said it is true and everything is about him. He said they both agreed on that and also that Chaunce is gay.
Chaunce asked Howard if he had to pick being either full Jew or full Italian, which would he choose. Howard said he would probably have to go with the Italian side of his heritage because of the amount of hatred there is for the Jewish side of him. Chaunce continued his long interview and asked Howard about something that could have severed his relationship with Beth. He said he has talked about banging women and stuff like that which got him into trouble. He also said that the radio show comes before his relationship and he needs the love of millions before the love of one person. He said he's not sure if he'll ever be able to pull the plug on all of this (radio show) and give it up when his contract is up. He said it frightens him because he might have to change the way he does things.
Chaunce asked Howard about Artie's drinking and if he thinks it's increased since he got on the show. Howard thinks that he hasn't gotten worse, and the show may have given him some structure in his life. Artie said that's true. Chaunce also felt that Howard may have been annoyed by Artie's drinking. Howard said he wasn't and he doesn't control people's behavior on the air. He said his behavior is exactly what you'd expect from a drunk on the air.
Chaunce asked Howard about his new found drinking over the past few years. Howard explained how he got back into drinking wine after getting divorced and how he may have drank too much back then. Now he doesn't drink as much because of the calories in the alcohol. He only drinks a little bit on the weekends now.
Chaunce had 3 more questions but Dominic called in and told Chaunce how great the interview was so far. Howard was being honest and speaking out about all of this stuff. Chaunce asked Howard how he thinks he'll be remembered when he's gone. Howard doesn't believe he'll be remembered all that much. He was mostly forgotten when he was dropped from WNBC. Everyone forgot about him within a couple of weeks. He thinks he'll be in the history books as being someone who fought the federal government and for free speech but that's about it. He doesn't think he'll get any respect for the way he's changed the industry. He said that the whole entertainment industry has changed since he got on the radio and started to do the show the way he did. He seems to believe that he's the single most important thing to have changed the industry and he will never be recognized for that.
Chaunce asked him what he would want his own epitaph to read if he could write it himself. Howard said he'd want it to say ''We'll be right back after these words...'' and went right to commercial break. He didn't bring Chaunce back after the break either.
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone. He calls in and leaves voice mail about how he wants to talk to the people from American Idol all the time but he didn't bother calling in yesterday when the judges were on. Howard asked Eric why he didn't call in yesterday. Eric said that he fell asleep yesterday and that's why he didn't call in.
Eric was calling in today to try and find a way to get on the final two shows of American Idol but Howard doesn't have a way to make that happen. Howard said that Eric is also leaving messages about how he wants to be in one of his movies but he's not sure he could make that happen either. He's remaking ''Porkys'' but he can't think if a role he'd be able to play. They suggested a few roles including a football. Robin suggested using him as Porky himself. Howard said they could call him Piglet and rename the movie to ''Piglet's.'' He could have played a role in The Lord of the Rings or something like that.
Howard wrapped up with Eric and took another call from a woman who was trying to make a point about something Chaunce had done but she was making him nervous so he had to hang up on her. Another guy called in and complained about Howard bashing KISS all the time. Howard told the guy he has told Gene Simmons that he's pushing it a little too far with that stuff. Howard doesn't get why the band charges people to meet them when they could be giving it to them for free. The caller told Howard that no one is being forced to do it so there's nothing wrong with it. Howard said that they could give away like 25 free tickets back stage randomly. The caller said that a scalper would then sell those tickets so it doesn't matter. The caller and Howard argued about the whole merchandizing thing for a couple of minutes but the guy wasn't going to let Howard win the argument. Howard had to hang up on the guy.
Howard said he would rather GIVE his fans stuff like mugs and crap like that, not charge them for it. He doesn't feel so bad charging for something like a DVD or video tape that he's produced because they put some work into that. Howard talked about how lame Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly are for selling all of their useless crap to their fans. Howard had a bunch of stuff to get to but he had to take another quick commercial break first.
Howard saw a picture of Tara Reid who looks like she's gotten breast implants. After talking about that for a few seconds he had Mike play his game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Gary was going to talk about his trip to the CBS up fronts the other day but they were going to save that until Monday. Gary had to mention that he met this actress from the new ''CSI: New York'' show that's coming out next season. He said he saw some nudes of her on MrSkin.com so he'll show them to Howard on Monday. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
Vinnie Favale called in during the news and said that the Hoobastank song Howard was playing is no better than the song he and his buddy from the K-Rock sales staff wrote. Howard told Vinnie that he would have the guys from Hoobastank perform his song to show him how bad it really is. He and Howard spent a couple of minutes with Vinnie asking him about kissing ass at the CBS up front the other night. Vinnie was telling Howard that it's easy to kiss Les Moonves' ass when it's that great of an ass to kiss. Howard eventually asked Vinnie to do an F***, Marry, Kill with Mel Karmazin, Les Moonves and David Letterman. Vinnie said if he were gay he would marry Les and F*** Letterman... but he couldn't possibly kill Mel.
After Howard got off the line with Vinnie Howard played the Hoobastank song again and played Vinnie's awful song that he was talking about earlier. He and one of the guys from the sales staff write songs together and put the songs together with no music. Vinnie thought that it was just the production value and their song could be just as good. Howard combined the two of them at one point and had Vinnie and Tom the sales guy singing under the Hoobastank song. Vinnie called in and said that he was playing the wrong song. Howard played another song that Vinnie put together but it was also the wrong one. Howard found yet another one and played that. It was also the wrong one but Howard let it play for a few seconds while Artie just laughed. Howard had Robin get back to her news again after getting Vinnie off the phone.