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Howard started off the morning talking to Artie about hanging out with him at a bachelor party on Friday night. Howard thought it was cool because Artie barely knew the bachelor. Artie says he knows the guy but Howard didn't think he knew him that well. Howard talked about the restaurant they went to and how good the food was. It was a place called La Botega.
Robin told Howard that she was down in Atlanta over the weekend. She was visiting a robotics competition that her nephew was involved in. She told the guys a little bit about that. Her nephew is really smart and she has been visiting him quite a bit at these things he gets involved with.
Howard got back to the bachelor party for his friend Richie. He talked about how Richie didn't want to just go to Scores and have the party there. He had to go to the restaurant and pretend that the guys dragged him to Scores. Howard talked about how weird it was that most of the people there hardly knew Richie. They were all friends of Howard's and other people's friends. Howard thought the whole thing was kind of strange.
Howard wanted to leave dinner that night so he could get over to Scores but all of the guys wouldn't let him go until they had desert. He just wanted to go over and set things up for the other guys but they wouldn't let him leave. They had to hang out and listen to people making toasts to Richie. Hardly anyone knew anything about Richie so they were making toasts and not even talking about Richie. Howard knows him pretty well so he toasted him and let all of the guys know how great he had it before he got engaged.
Howard finally got everyone to the West Side Scores. It was Howard's first time going there. He said it was ''unbelieveable'' and there were tons of hot chicks there. It's like heaven on Earth... for men. Artie and Howard talked about how great things are over there and what they did. Howard was hanging out in the Ralph room where he couldn't see a thing. He got 3 dances from 3 different strippers. One was his Scores ''wife'' and another one was a stripper who was on the show as the world's smartest stripper. The third one was a stripper who danced for him years ago but disappeared after that. She came back into his life and told him that she had matured since the last time. He got a great dance from her.
Howard told Robin how great Scores is and how great Lonnie treats him when he's there. Artie said the best thing is that they have flat screen TVs there so the guys can watch the baseball games that are on. Artie ended up getting into an argument with one of the girls over the Yankees game that was on.
Howard's daughter was waiting for him at home when he got there because they had plans the next morning. He said she was already asleep when he got there.
Howard and Artie were goofing on Ronnie the Limo Driver and the way he acts when he's at Scores. He walks around like he owns the place or something. Howard told Robin how he gets blasted when he gets there. Howard cut that conversation short and talked about how he started asking each girl if they had glitter on because he gets really annoyed with that stuff. Artie said the tanning makeup is horrible as well.
Ronnie came in and said he doesn't walk around he owns the place and he wasn't loaded on Friday night. Howard told him he didn't say he got loaded on Friday, but he usually does. He also said that he does walk around like he owns the place. Ronnie said he really can't do anything right for him. He asked Howard what he did wrong. He told Howard that he hooked him up over there but then said he was just joking around. Robin thought he'd lost his mind again like he did last Friday.
Robin was telling Howard how there is such a delay on the show these days that you can walk down the hall during a commercial break and listen to the show for 15 minutes. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how they can't even play old bits anymore because of the censorship that's going on these days. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard told a story about going to his friend Jerry's birthday party on Saturday night. He said he doesn't get to see the guy that much so he does get suspicious when he's invited to a party like that. He knows that Jerry has much closer friends than him. He knew that Star Jones was going to be there because Jerry's job requires him to work with people like that. He's in charge of celebrities at certain resorts. Howard has tried to drop his name a couple of times but the people at the resorts never know who he is. He had his daughter try to drop his name one time and they didn't know it that time either.
The party Howard went to was held down in the basement of a clothing store. It was a pretty cool set up according to him. He showed up a little early even though he was trying to show up a little late. He got there about 15 minutes early and the only people who were there were Jerry's family. Jerry showed up next and hardly anyone was there. He also showed up with camera crews. Beth was there with Howard so he said he was making out with her at the bar so people would know she was there with him.
At one point Howard noticed that Frank Gifford was making his way over to him. He knows that Gifford hates him for the things he's said about him and the prank call he made to him one time during a press conference. He stood there waiting for Gifford to come over and yell at him. Then he started to move away. The camera crew then put a light on the guy and Howard realized it wasn't Gifford at all, it was just some old guy.
Howard was afraid that Jerry was going to have the couples separated at the party so they would be forced to talk to other people. Luckily that didn't happen. He and Beth stayed together and got to sit across the table from Robert De Niro. He said he didn't go over to talk to the guy because it was kind of tough to get over to people. He said he did sit and watch the guy the whole night. Dan Ackroyd was there as well but Howard doesn't think the guy likes him so he left him alone. Gary came in and told Howard that Dan actually does like him. He spoke to him at some event he was at and Dan told him he wanted to talk to Howard about the stuff he was going through with his company a few years ago.
Howard said that Charlie Rose from ''60 Minutes 2'' was there telling him that he should do that show. Howard told him that if he was going to do one of those shows, he would only do ''60 Minutes'' not ''60 Minutes 2.'' Howard and Robin shared some stories about Charlie since they knew him from years ago. Howard said the guy was getting a little too close to Beth that night. He said he was a good dude though.
There were a bunch of performers there at the party. Tony Bennett sang a song for this guy Jerry. Then a couple of other entertainers like Natalie Cole, James Ingram, Ashford and Simpson got up and performed. Then Dionne Warwick got up and sang. Howard said there were only about 80 people there. Dan Ackroyd got up and did a little bit of his Blues Brothers stuff as well. Stevie Wonder showed up and sang after that. Then he started to compose a new song while he was up on stage. After that all of the singers got up and started to sing to Jerry. Howard sounded pretty impressed by the whole thing. Howard was invited to an after party for Jerry after that but he was tired and didn't go to that. After talking about that Howard had to take another break.
KC came in and told Howard that John had answered about 5 calls since 6 am. It was 7:30 at that point. KC also said things had just gone south and John was yelling at a caller. Howard played more tape of John screening a caller and it took him forever to get out his questions.
Howard mentioned some of the other stuff they have going on out in Vegas like Homeless Bowling and Retard Bowling. He said this is all happening on May 11th, 12th and 13th. They're going to be playing a new game called ''BANGO'' where someone will win a ''date'' with porn star Taylor Rain. He played the audio clip from one of her porn movies where she's getting banged and she's moaning ''Oh yeah!'' He played that clip a couple of times.
Artie is going to be trying to get a hit off of a female baseball pitcher. The band Train will be backing everyone up in their Karaoke contest. They're doing some Family Feud, Blackjack for a new Rack, Retarded Card Sharks with Wendy the Retard and Gary the Retard and a bunch of other stuff. Rob Schneider, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla will all be out there as well.
Howard brought up how well ''Kill Bill Vol. 2'' did at the box office this weekend. Robin said that made it tough for her to say bad things about it. She wasn't a fan of the movie but Howard loved it. He couldn't believe that she didn't like it. Robin said she liked Daryl Hannah but that was about it. She knew it was bad when she heard some people having a conversation through the whole movie.
Howard had tape of Dick Clark defending him on Larry King's show the other night. Dick was saying that he's a fan of Howard's and it would be ashame if the government muzzles him like they seem to be doing. Larry was kind of agreeing with Dick but Robin said Larry seems to agree with whoever is sitting there with him and what they're saying. Howard thought it was cool that Dick was defending him on a show other than his own.
John only got a few words out the whole time he was being interviewed because no one would let him complete a sentence. It was just taking him so long to get out a sentence that he had to be cut off. John was able to say that he was told by his doctor that he has to try and stay calm because he could have a stroke from getting so pissed off. John pleaded with Fred to stop with the stuttering so he could get out what he had to say. Fred started to play dog barking sound effects and continued to goof on him even though he was begging him to stop.
John explained how he could have a heart attack or a stroke if he gets too upset with the callers. He said he would try to remain calm with all of them from now on. Howard said John is best taken in small doses and sent him back out to answer the phones after that.
Howard had a big announcement to make. They have a new station that is broadcasting in Portland and simulcasting in Kennebunkport Maine (106.7 and 104.7). That's right up near the Bush's compound up there. Gary told Howard that the station has invited them to do a broadcast from right outside the Bush's. It's a big surprise because Howard is due to get fined by the FCC once again this week.
Howard said that he got a letter from his union saying that AFTRA is lobbying against the indecency laws that are going after individuals. Howard thought that no one was doing anything about it but they corrected him about that.
Howard had a bunch of other articles that he whipped through. He also had a bunch of e-mail to go through. Zolar called in and told Howard a story about John the Stutterer and how wacky he is. He tried to help him hook up with a chick but he couldn't close the deal even though the chick was into him.
Sean ''Dee White Rapper'' called in and told Howard about his night out with Gary at this boxing match. Gary told Howard that he was well behaved while he was with him but when he left, he heard him going nuts. Sean thanked Howard for the prize and Gary said he has some good stuff for trying to get John's Job. He said he'll be talking to Howard about that later. Howard had to take a break before getting to the rest of the e-mail.
Howard got back to John the Stutterer who is trying out for Stuttering John's job. He played the audio clip where they give some history about John and some examples of his stuttering. He then played the clip of John getting into a fight with a caller earlier in the morning. The caller kept asking John what was wrong with him. John was trying to find out what he wanted to talk to Howard about but he didn't have anything interesting to say. John told him he sucks and then invited him down to fight him.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him that he has a girl for the butterface contest. He just wanted to leave his name and number so they could get back to him. A couple of phone callers were too boring for Howard os he had to hang up on them.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard that KC was making out with some blond chick back stage at a comedy club down in Florida. He said he then brought her back to his hotel room down there as well. KC came in and said he did meet a nice girl down there. He told High Pitch that he shouldn't talk about stuff like that but he's an open book so it's okay.
KC told Howard that he met this really cute blond and hooked up with her. He took her back to his room and said he did go all the way with her. He said he'd see her again if she didn't live so far away. She was a friend of a friend and it was great. KC talked about how women at that age are just tight and unlike older women who just ''lose it'' as they age. KC said he told the girl that he doesn't have any strings attached to anyone else at this point. He had been going out with a woman who turned out to be a liar. Howard asked him about that and why she was a liar. KC tried to explain to Howard how he can tell what a girl's motives are. He said that she wouldn't back up her motives with her actions. He was being very vague about it all.
KC said that there are two types of women out there. There's one type that will go to a masseuse and get a massage just to get a massage. Then there's one type who will go to a male masseuse just because they want to be touched by another man. He was also saying that a woman should go to a female gynecologist, not a male. Howard thought he was putting him on about all of that stuff but he was serious. Gary came in and said that he's not making this stuff up because he's had conversations with him about this stuff. He said his wife is actually scared of him when she hears him talking like that.
Howard agreed with KC about the male masseuse thing. He said he would probably break up with a woman if she went to a male masseuse. Both he and KC seem to think that the woman just wants to be touched by another dude if they go to a male masseuse. Robin wanted to find out if KC's mother went to a male Gynecologist. She thinks that she probably did. KC said it would be too tough to get a hold of her at work though so they couldn't make the call.
Howard spoke to KC for a couple of minutes and then said there's no way that if his brain were in Artie's body, he'd ever get laid. Howard said he would love to have a reality show where they take someone like KC and implant his brain into someone like Artie's body to see if they could get laid.
Gary and Howard asked KC what he and this hot chick talked about that night at the comedy show. KC said they were talking about their old relationships and stuff like that. He said he was just trying to get to know this chick and he wasn't even planning on banging her. Ralph had called in to talk about how lame KC is when it comes to stuff like that. He said he would never talk to a chick about his past relationships. KC said they were just sharing stories about the way they had been treated in the past. KC said they both think that they should be treated with respect.
KC said he was at the ''top of his game'' the night he banged this chick. He claims he went 30-40 minutes with her. Howard said that chick's don't dig that though. KC said they dig it if you do it right. He was trying to explain to Howard what he does but the delay got hit a few times. He said something about finding a position that doesn't feel that good to a guy. Ralph and Howard wondered why a guy would want to go that long. Howard seems to think it's because he might be gay that helps him last 40 minutes.
KC ended up falling asleep out in the sun yesterday and got yelled at by Tom Chiusano who went through skin cancer treatments a few years ago. Howard told him he really should listen to the guy because he knows someone who had some skin cancer removed from his face and it's a really painful process. KC said he's going to live life and doesn't really care about that stuff.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about how hot his girlfriend is at the age of 31. The guys seem to think that she'll be good looking for quite a while longer.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that the reason KC could last so long is because he's not emotionally involved with the girl. KC said that he was thinking about how hot she is and how she was making noise. Dominic said he had a client one time and she was married to a gay guy who was the best she ever had in bed. KC said that he thinks about how good sex can be for working out your abs. The rest of the guys said they've never even thought about something like that. Howard told KC that when he has a woman, even if he's pleasured himself shortly before she comes over, he still only lasts for a short time. He doesn't understand how KC could last so long with a chick. They spent a couple more minutes on that before Howard had to take another commercial break.
Howard thought John wasn't going to yell at anyone because he could have a stroke or something. Howard wondered if John would be able to complete all of the other tasks he has to do for this tryout. John came in and said he really doesn't want to jeopardize his health but he couldn't help but yell at Yucko. Howard asked him if he'd be able to do the other stuff he has to do. John said he had to apologize because he tried to come up with a song parody but he wasn't able to do it. Howard told him if he just sang any song and stuttered, he'd have a great song parody.
John tried to tell Howard about a great song parody idea he had. He said he wanted to do a song parody about Rush Limbaugh to the tune of Behind Blue Eyes called ''Behind Glazed Eyes.'' Howard told him he killed today so he should come back tomorrow and do some more stuff.
Howard took a few phone calls after that. Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) called in and tried to get John going again but John was trying to remail calm. Robin said Yucko doesn't care if John dies from getting upset. Howard cut him off and moved on to Colin Quinn.
Colin is single now after getting his marriage annulled. He said they still talk once in a while. Artie said he heard that Colin was dating someone really hot. Someone told him they saw him at the diner with a hot chick. Colin said he was at the diner with his mother the other day. Howard wondered if he still has the instant message stuff that his wife found so they could see it. Colin said he may have it on his computer but he couldn't retrieve it if he wanted it.
Colin had some advice for Howard about the FCC problems he has. He said he read a book about Lenny Bruce and how he was just talking about stuff that was on his mind when he cursed. They let him off of obscenity charges because of that so he has to convince a judge that what he's talking about on the air is just stuff that's on his mind. He's not just doing it to shock people like so many of his imitators have done.
Howard took a couple of phone calls while Colin was in. One guy claims that he was able to last 6-7 hours with his girlfriend when he was with her. Howard said he's never heard of anyone who can last that long.
Howard gave Colin a couple of plugs for some upcoming comedy shows he's doing. He'll be at Foxwoods Casino on Saturday and then at Trump Marina in Atlantic City on May 15th.
A phone caller told Howard that Colin should have had a higher number on that list of Comedy Central comedians. He also said that Dennis Leary should have been higher than number 50. Howard then told the guys who he thinks should have been up at the top. He said Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinison were great. Steve Martin would be number 3 on Howard's list. Howard said that Bill Cosby shouldn't be on Comedy Central's list at all. The phone caller said that Jerry Seinfeld shouldn't have been on the list at all. Howard disagreed. Howard also said that Jay Leno used to be a great stand up comedian but these days he's become a lame Las Vegas-like performer.
Howard continued his list of great comedians. He put Chris Rock and Robert Klein at number 4 as a tie. Robin wondered where George Carlin was on that list. Howard said he would have to put Cheech and Chong before Carlin. He didn't want to put them on the top list though. He said Carlin is funny but he'd still put Cheech and Chong before him.
The caller told Howard about some of the other comedians Comedy Central had on their list. Howard couldn't believe that Robin Williams was up near the top on their list. Howard had to take a break after talking about that.
Howard started off the morning talking about how Ryan Seacrest's ''Seacrest out!'' is starting to catch on. He had a clip of a baseball announcer using the term while he was calling a game. Howard goofed on Seacrest's little saying a little bit. Artie said that the guy might work for Fox and that's why he used the term. Artie said Richie from E! saw that live during a Yankee game and he was telling him about it.
Howard missed ''The Swan'' last night because he forgot that it was on. He heard that there was one woman on the show who has to shave her face every day. He was hoping that someone there got it recorded for him. Howard said that most of the women on that show just need to shape up a little bit. Robin told him that most of their faces are pretty broken and they do need more than that. Gary came in and said that the woman who shaves was elected to be the witch in her school's play and stuff like that. He said the format is the same every week on that show now. He now records the show and just sees how they look at the beginning and then forwards through to the end. Howard would like to see more of the women's bodies after they do the work on them. He was hoping to see more of the woman who's stomach was a mess on last week's show. He was hoping to see the scar on her stomach from the surgery.
Gary said he'd like to see an interview done with the woman a month later after they get to see themselves for a while. Howard doesn't think they're all that good looking even though they think they're beautiful. Gary said a drag queen could win in the beauty contest that the women are all going to be in.
Howard was talking about how he looks at himself in the mirror now that he's lost 10 pounds. He said he's still not thrilled with the way he looks though. Artie said he spends about 6 seconds combing his hair in the morning because he's so disturbed with the way he looks.
Howard took a call from a guy who saw last night's E! show featuring Double A getting balloons thrown at his ass by The Rock. Howard said that Double A will be in today trying to win a date with Sunset Thomas. He was reading the plug for the game they'd be playing and Gary had written down her name wrong as Sunset Adams. Gary told Howard that he'd gotten her confused with Sunrise Adams who is Sunset's niece. Artie said he had seen Sunset in ''Soporno's 4'' recently.
Howard said that Double A will be playing ''Beat The Juice'' with Beetlejuice. He'll have to try and get him to repeat a sentence which should be pretty entertaining. Howard also said that they have John Popper and Joe Francis of the Girls Gone Wild fame will call in. John the Stutterer is back trying out for Stuttering John's job. Howard also said they'll have the station manager from the two new radio stations they have calling in.
Howard wants to get a hold of the new Prince album and the new Hanson album. He's been reading 4 star reviews of the Prince album and someone gave the Hanson album 3 stars. He and Artie spent a minute talking about Hanson and how goofy they were when they were younger. That led to Artie talking about how hot the young girl (Lacey Chabert) from ''Party of Five'' turned out to be. He said she's ''smokin'' hot now that she's gotten a little older.
Howard said that his girlfriend's next FHM magazine layout was supposed to be out in July but now Anna Nicole Smith's issue has flopped with hers and now she's scheduled to be in the next month's issue. He said that Anna Nicole is also booked to come back on his show even after she said she'd never come back again. Howard said she'll probably get on the scale no problem this time because she's lost so much weight since the last time she was on. Gary suggested that they have KC hit on her when she comes in but Howard didn't like the idea. He didn't think it made much sense. Last time she was on Benjy was hitting on her and even got to make out with her.
Howard noticed that Gary had lost a few pounds on TrimSpa. Gary said he thinks he's down about 8-10 pounds in a week using that stuff. Howard said he lost some weight himself recently but it was a struggle. He told the guys what he's been eating lately. He talked about this cucumber thing he does after reading that The Rock does it. He peels a cucumber and cuts up some tomato and carrots. Then he takes a hard boiled egg and some chunk lite tuna and mixes them all together with vinegar. He said that's a snack. He had a baked potato and a turkey burger without the bread last night for dinner. Gary wondered how long Artie could follow a diet like that. Howard said he wouldn't last long at all. He then showed everyone his ''ripped stomach'' but Robin laughed when she saw it.
Howard is trying to ween himself off the banana chips he eats at night. He said that it's a discipline thing. He talked about how Beth can stop eating when she wants and she had to stop eating the chocolates when she was doing the shoot for FHM. Gary asked him about the whole bread thing and what they do when some bread is brought to the table. Howard said they send it away when they see that stuff.
Artie told Howard that he and Colin Quinn went out to lunch and met with Frank Sebastiano who is a writer for both Saturday Night Live and David Letterman. Artie said he has a great job because he lives in L.A. and just faxes in his stuff to those two shows. Artie said he had a cheeseburger with fries when they went out to lunch. Then they went around the block to Mickey Mantle's restaurant to watch the Yankee game. They sat down and ordered more food after having lunch at the diner earlier. Artie had a huge brownie, ice cream desert and onion rings. He dropped a little bit of the onion ring on the ice cream and it tasted great. Artie stayed and watched the whole Yankee game and ate during that. Then he and Frank went to some batting cages and hit some balls in the afternoon. Howard told Artie that he's a ''real man'' and he doesn't care about what he eats. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said that he and Mel are having a meeting soon and Tom is going to be the major subject in that meeting. He looked through his planner and found that he has a meeting with Mel on the 29th. He added ''Tom is a pain in my ass'' to the planner so he would be reminded that he has to talk about him in the meeting. He told Tom to just go back and keep hitting the button on the show. Tom was laughing as Howard was yelling at him so that pissed him off even more. He was trying to be serious and Tom was laughing. Fred played a bunch of Tom's laughs and goofed on him for a few seconds. Howard said he's ''like the friggin joker'' laughing like that.
Howard thanked Ken for calling in and got off the line. He knows that Ken wanted to talk about that for an hour but he seemed to have had enough after 3 minutes. He moved on to talk about some of the stuff they have on his web site now. He said the people working on the show trying to get Stuttering John's job are writing a diary. He said John the Stutterer has been writing some stuff but you see that he has nothing to say.
Howard played tape of John the Stutterer yelling at Yucko the Clown on the phone during yesterday's show. He had John come in a short time later. John is supposed to be staying calm because the medications he's on could cause him to have a stroke or a heart attack if he gets that pissed off. John believes that he could certainly kick Yucko's ass if he had the chance. John put the challenge out there to Yucko to box him in Las Vegas. Howard said that would be interesting but wondered if Yucko could be in full clown makeup. John told Howard that he wants him to take off his ''fag makeup'' and expose himself for who he really is. He told Howard to set that up... He repeated ''Set it up'' about 10 times.
Howard told John that he has been getting a lot of e-mail and a lot of people are liking him on the show. He said it was about a 60/40 split between people loving him and hating him. Some people said that he may not be very productive but he is entertaining. There were also some negative e-mails about him that Howard read. Those people don't want Howard wasting these last shows with someone like John.
John's task today was to talk about a gossip item about the office at the show. John started to talk about it but Howard had to take another break first. He told him to collect his thoughts and wait until after the break.
After the commercials Howard had John the Stutterer in to give them his behind-the-scenes story. This is part of the contest to ''Get Stuttering John's Job.'' John told Howard that he cleared the story with Benjy before telling them about it. Howard told John to just tell them the story. He went on to say that he asked Benjy about any straight swinger's clubs out there that he could go to. Benjy told him that he didn't know of any but he had been to one with his female friend at the time.... That was the story. Benjy had gone to a swinger's club... wow.
Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) was on the phone after that so John told him he wanted to fight him in Las Vegas. Yucko said that he was ready to fight him and he wanted to go 15 rounds. John didn't want to let him wear his clown makeup though. Howard said he'd see what they could do about making the fight happen.
Howard and Tim spent a couple of minutes talking about the market up there and how Howard tried to get a job up there one time. He couldn't get the job though. He also said he shot a college film up in Maine but it didn't come out because it was overexposed. Howard told Tim that they could be on the air for just a couple more weeks depending on this whole indecency bill. He said he's proud to be on up there for as long as they can though.
Howard said that this chick Omarosa from ''The Apprentice'' was on some show where she was asked about how her co-star Ereka took a lie detector test to prove that she didn't call her the N word. Omarosa thought that it was kind of odd that Ereka went on a show that is one of the most racially charged shows around. She even thinks that the FCC is trying to pull his show off the air because it is so racial and sexual. She also refused to accept the offer to take a lie detector test on that show. She says that she has ''moved on'' from that whole N word thing. Howard said that she may have moved on but Ereka is going to find it hard to move on because it's such a hard thing to get away from when someone calls you a racist. Howard said that Ereka came out clean as a whistle in the lie detector test and she proved that she didn't call Omarosa the N word. Artie also pointed out that she was basically calling Howard a racist as well.
Joe Rogan was on Jay Leno's show the other day and he tried to slip in a nice comment about Howard's show. He played an audio clip of Joe talking about censorship and threw Howard's name in there. He was talking about why he doesn't want to have kids at this point in his life.
Howard also had an article about Governor Jesse Ventura talking about him during an interview. He said that Howard may not be everyone's cup of tea but the government doesn't have the right to shut him down. Henry Rollins also had some nice things to say about Howard. He apparently said that he likes Howard but he does have a problem with the way he treats women. He does believe that Howard and people like Rush Limbaugh all have the right to be on the air.
A San Diego listener said that he installed a high gain antenna on his roof and is able to pick up Howard's show from Los Angeles. He read one e-mail from someone who likes that clip of Taylor Rain that they've been playing. KC told Howard that the new clip is from the movie ''Just Over 18 - 3.'' Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard said he's thought about having a Robin Quivers Shower Cam to cover her and a camera to cover Artie as well. Howard said they already have a thing where people can send in their best pictures of Artie drunk. He said they have like 6 pictures so far and he's sure they'll get more. Artie said that getting a picture of him drunk isn't that hard.
Howard mentioned some of the guests they have coming up on the show soon including Steve O, Dave Attell, Anna Nicole Smith and Alanis Morissette. He still has to pick out a song for Alanis to play when she comes in. He said they also have John Popper and Joe Francis calling in later today.
Howard played some of Alanis Morissette's songs trying to find one for her to perform when she comes in. Artie and Howard were arguing about the ''Ironic'' song because Artie didn't think that any of the stuff in the song was actually ironic. Howard played a couple of her other big hits trying to pick one out. That led to Howard saying that he's going to have to talk to Alanis about some of the stuff she sings about. Robin then yelled at him for talking about guys and how they really don't care about whether or not they'd make good mothers or not. She said he gets more and more shallow as the show goes on. Robin told Howard that he really does care about that stuff but he's just trying to cover that up by saying that he doesn't care.
Howard played some more of Alanis' stuff and said that a woman that can sing really turns him on. Gary said that they have 5 songs for Alanis to perform when she comes in. He wanted Howard to give him an order for those songs. Howard said that they could just have her do a medley of songs and he'll clap his hands and let them know when to switch songs.
Gary told Howard that he watched the E! True Hollywood Story about Alanis and how entertaining that was. Howard said he's looking forward to meeting her and he's glad she's finally doing the show. Artie isn't a fan of hers though.
Howard played another one from a guy who had a bit of a speech impediment. He was a little hard to understand so Howard said they might have to have him in. Howard played a couple more entries and had a pretty funny one where a guy did a gay bit between him and KC. The delay was hit on the bit at least one time though. Howard said he'll probably pass on that guy though. Another guy did an impression of Crazy Cabbie. He was the board op for the show out in Los Angeles. In another entry this guy tried to have his family tell the recorder that he deserves the job but Howard didn't seem that impressed.
Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) sent in his entry for the job. He had some of his own celebrity interviews that are actually very funny. He insults them more than anyone could imagine. Howard and Artie got some laughs out of that clip. Howard said some of the entries were good and some weren't so good. Howard is letting Billy Mira take a shot at John's job next week. He's the guy who has been on the show doing his great Ozzy Osbourne impression a bunch of times. He also does a great impression of David Lee Roth. Gary came in and told Howard they're a bit behind so they had to take a break and move on after that.
Robin mentioned some of the other problems Joe has had over the years. She mentioned that they had a problem where people were buying the Girls Gone Wild tapes and they didn't know that they were signing up for a lifetime subscription. Joe claims that they have straightened that out.
Benjy asked Joe if he thinks that girl was drunk that night. Joe said she was drinking but she didn't appear to be drunk. Benjy said that in some states even if the girl consented to have sex with him, it could be against the law to sleep with them if they're drunk. Howard moved on to talk to Joe about going out with Paris Hilton. Joe said they broke up but they are still good friends. Howard asked him if he's pissed he didn't think about taping Paris himself. Howard spent a couple more minutes with him and then wrapped up the call after giving Joe a plug for his latest Girls Gone Wild video ''America Uncovered'' featuring Doug Stanhope from ''The Man Show.''
Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com) came walking in as Howard was talking to Double A. KC followed him in and said that he's become a big pain in the ass lately. He said he's been giving orders and won't hurry up when they ask him to. Howard got back to Double A again and asked him more about these girls he hires to ''massage'' him. Double A said he doesn't waste time with the massage and tells the girls to just get down to business.
Howard gave Sunset a plug for her new porn video ''Misty Beethoven'' and said it's available at VCAPictures.com. She's also got a dance school and you can find out more about that at AbigailsTX.com
Howard moved on to the game and told Double A that he has 3 minutes to get Beetlejuice to repeat a simple sentence. If he gets Beetlejuice to repeat the sentence in full. He said he can teach him the sentence in stages if he wants but Beet has to repeat the whole thing in once sentence. Howard demonstrated and had Beet say ''Row, row, row your boat.' Beet did say it with a few extra ''rows'' in the sentence.
Gary handed Howard the official sentence that Double A had to get Beetlejuice to say. It was ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.'' Howard had the clock start shortly after that and then told Beet what to say. Beetlejuice was repeating what he thought he heard but it wasn't quite what he was supposed to say. Beet was mumbling and saying a lot of the words but not in the right order. Howard then told Double A that if he could just get him to say ''The rain in Spain'' he'd give him the win. Double A attempted to get him to repeat that to him but Beet was still saying too many words and not saying ''the'' at the beginning of his sentence. He finally did it right as the 3 minutes was coming to an end.
Howard told Double A that he actually won the chance to have sex with Beetlejuice, not Sunset. He was kidding of course. He went on to ask Sunset about how much she charges guys to have sex with her at this Kit Kat place. She said it's around $2000 per session but she'll give you a day to remember. She can make around $14,000 a day doing that. She's working on opening her own clubs now that she has so much money.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy said that Double A has a lot of balls coming out of his house after the E! show that was on last night. Another guy said he loves seeing a little whore like Sunset who goes around kissing guys when she's out making appearances. She told Howard that she doesn't mind it when guys grab her ass or boobs when she's out in public.
Howard gave Sunset another plug for her movie ''Misty Beethoven'' and asked her if she's worried about what's going on in the porn industry these days. She said she is worried and that's why she's focusing on the club thing now. Artie asked if they could see her boobs today. She said she was wondering when they were going to ask about that. She showed them her boobs a few seconds later. Howard asked to see her ass but she said she didn't want to show it because she has a spider bite on her ass. Howard gave Beetle and Sunset a couple more plugs and then let some phone callers goof around with Beetlejuice. One guy got Beetlejuice rolling yelling at him a bit. Howard had to go to commercial break after that. Check out JollyDwarf.com for more info about Beetlejuice and where he'll be appearing.
Howard said that the fun story would have been that John gained back all of the weight. John said he had other fun news... He's getting married. John said that Kevin Smith told an interesting story about his girlfriend attacking some other girls at a party. John said she is bi-sexual so she does stuff like that. John said he's working on getting her to bring some other women into bed with them but that hasn't happened yet. John told Howard that he had to screw around with other people for a while so they broke up and got back together. John has also moved from Pennsylvania to Seattle, Washington. He said this last winter was enough for him.
Howard asked John if he's going to have a pre-nup when he gets married. John said that he doesn't need a pre-nup. He seems to think that people who need a pre-nup shouldn't be getting married to begin with. Howard thought he was nuts and that he should have a pre-nup. John said he's willing to risk his money for some things and this is one of them.
John brought up the Clear Channel thing that has been going on with Howard and told him that he was born to fight this thing. Howard told him it's really hard to fight this thing and mobilize people to help him out. Howard and John talked about what could be done with Clear Channel concert venues and how they could get around that. There is no simple answer though.
John told Howard about some problems he had fainting recently. He was in an airport and fainted twice. He had to have some tests done but it may have just been the fact that he was dehydrated.
Howard gave John a plug for his latest album ''Truth Be Told'' and played a little bit of it for everyone as he said goodbye to him. He said that he has to talk to John off the air about the pre-nuptial thing.
A listener from Maine called in and welcomed Howard to the market. Howard talked about how happy they are to be on up there now. The caller had heard Howard in Chicago for a while so he was glad to have him back in an area where he's living. Howard had Robin start her news after that call.
Howard started off asking what happened to Barry Manilow's face on American Idol last night. He said his face was pulled back and looked odd to him. Artie wondered how old the guy is now. Howard said he thinks he must be in his 60s but Fred said he thinks he was old when he got famous so he might be older than that. Howard was saying that his face was just bizarre looking and the way they reworked all of his songs was horrible. Howard said it was fun to see Barry and he loves that show.
Howard also admitted that he enjoys ''The Swan'' and how they come out with the big pump to take out the fat in the chicks they make over. Gary came in and talked about how great the beauty pageant is going to be on that show when they have the women competing. Artie said he hasn't had a chance to see the show yet. Howard played some audio clips from The Swan and goofed on that for a little while. He said they should be forced to tell the truth about what they're going to do and say stuff like ''We're going to take hogs and turn them into hogs with breasts.'' He talked about this week's episode where they had a woman on who has to shave her face every day. He continued to goof on the tape he was playing and said that the women all still have bad personalities. Artie was goofing on the women as well barking like a dog as if the women were doing it on the show when they looked in the mirror.
Howard said he saw the part from this week where the woman is shaving her face. He said they're trying to be compassionate with the woman but then you see her shaving. Howard suggested that the woman not shave and do ''the Abe Lincoln thing'' with it. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard went off on Tom Chiusano about the stuff he's been hitting the delay button on lately. He said he thinks that Tom and Dead Air Dave push that button so much that they have to go to the doctor to get their fingers worked on. That led to him talking about how there are a bunch of articles on HowardStern.com about what's going on with the FCC and all of that. He read one about Michael Powell of the FCC and how he believes that broadcasters should know what indecency is and they shouldn't have to define it. There were also quotes from him about how tough it would be to fine Oprah Winfrey even though she has said things on her show that have gotten complaints. Howard said they're posting stuff like crazy on his web site about all of this stuff.
Howard had the memo from Tom about all of the dumps Tom and Dave have done lately. Howard said that when they hit this button on him they're basically agreeing with the FCC that the show is dirty. Tom came in so Howard told him he's going to have a meeting with Mel Karmazin soon so he's going to ask him to just end it already.
Howard read a quote from one of Michael Powell's aides where he said that it would be tough to go after Oprah Winfrey because she is so loved and it would be much easier to go after ''a lightning rod like Howard Stern.'' Howard and Tom thought that was ridiculous. The FCC says they're trying to go after indecency but they're going to pick and choose who they go after. Tom told Howard that they're not going to pay the upcoming fines from the FCC and they're going to try and take the case to court. Tom seems to think that they will be able to make it to court much quicker than Howard thinks they can. Howard seems to think that the FCC is going to prevent them from doing business while they wait to go to court. Howard can't believe the statement about Oprah being untouchable and he sounded pretty freaked out by the whole thing.
Howard brought up Clear Channel and how they have to go to court because someone is suing them over their monopoly in the concert business. Howard would like to get in on the suit and get the money they owe him for his contracts that they backed out of. Now he has to go to court himself and spend a fortune to get his money out of them.
Howard believes that the FCC should be fined and fired for the statements they made about Oprah being untouchable. He talked about how Mary J Blige uttered the S-word on 60 Minutes the other night and how the FCC probably won't go after them either because they're ''untouchable.''
Howard changed subjects and talked about their upcoming Las Vegas trip. They heard from last year's winner of the Butterface contest and she's going to enter again to try and keep the title. There are new things on HowardStern.com like the Artie Drunk page where you can see pictures of him wasted. There's more info about the Las Vegas shows as well.
John the Stutterer went on to threaten Yucko and the guys he hangs out with. He said that he swears he's going to beat the crap out of Yucko if he gets him alone. He doesn't stutter when he gets this pissed off. He says everything loud and clear when he's talking about Yucko. KC came in and told John that Yukco is just a clown. John says that he doesn't want to get kicked off the show but Yucko is just a prick and he's going to do what he has to do.
John demonstrated to Howard how he can sing without stuttering like most stutterers can. He sang a little bit of The Who's ''Behind Blue Eyes'' for him. A minute later he was stuttering like crazy trying to talk to Howard. Fred continued to play the songs they had with John's many stutters.
John told Howard that he wasn't able to come up with any lyrics for his song parody so he was going to give them some pitches for the show instead. Howard told him to do that later because he had Double A and Sunset Thomas there to talk about their ''date'' yesterday.
Double A told Howard that his mother hit for $3.2 million in the lottery so that's where the money came from. Double A also told Howard that he went home and pleasured himself a bunch of times yesterday after the date.
Howard gave Sunset a plug for her porn movie ''Misty Beethoven'' and ended up talking about that for a minute. It's a musical porn so Howard wondered how that works. She talked about it with him for a short time. You can find out more about the movie at VCAPictures.com.
Howard took a phone call from Zolar who said that Sunset is taking Double A out to the Kit Kat to pass him off on another whore. He also told Double A that he's a little troll. He wanted to wrestle him but later said he was just kidding about that.
Howard wrapped up the quick interview about 10 minutes after they came in. He moved on to talk about the pool cameras they have out at the Hard Rock Hotel. He said someone sent him some pictures that they took of the women there and they're pretty hot. Howard said he might bring a telescope with him so he can check out the women himself.
Howard will be playing ''BANGO'' to give away a date with porn star Taylor Rain. He played some of the porn movie clips of Taylor moaning ''Oh yeah!'' Howard couldn't get over the fact that Double A wasn't able to score with a whore. KC said it might be his fault because he told Double A about the ''spider bite'' she had on her ass. He told him he doesn't know what that really is. Howard thinks that it's because Double A just has no rap.
Double A came back in to talk about what he did on the date yesterday. Howard asked him what he did wrong. Double A said he was ready to go and he didn't do anything wrong on the date. He was trying everything possible to get something off of her. KC told him it's like going to McDonalds and asking for a hamburger and them not selling it to you. It's her job to bang guys.
The guys continued to goof on Double A for a couple of minutes. They were also goofing on KC about being gay himself. Howard played a song parody that Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) sent in about KC which was to the tune of ''Stayin Alive.'' It managed to get a delay hit on it for some reason.
Howard read some e-mail he had. People have been writing in about Artie's eating habits. A lot of people love him but there are still some who hate him for some reason. Someone wrote in about the porn clips they've been playing lately complaining that they don't want to hear that when they're waking up or drinking their coffee. That led to them playing the clips even more.
Howard recently did a commercial for XM Radio so someone wrote in and asked him how he can do that because Clear Channel owns them. Howard said that is not the case and they do not own XM. He said if they did, he would not have read the commercial. He read some other e-mail about John the Stutterer and how great he is on the show. Some people hate him though so Howard can't understand how there can be such a split on loving him and hating him. Howard played the audio clip of Yucko calling John and asking him to do an interview with the NY Post that he played earlier.
Howard read a list of the most hated guests that an e-mailer had sent in. On the list were Mr. T, Courtney Love and Elliott Offen. The guy asked Howard to never have Elliott on the show again so Howard said that Elliott was coming up next right after the commercial break.
Howard was freaked out by the statement that an FCC aide made about how they can't really go after someone like Oprah Winfrey because she's so beloved but it's okay for them to go after a Howard Stern. Howard was going nuts talking about that stuff.
Howard had tape of Bob Woodward talking about how the President told him that he doesn't turn to his father for advice, he turns to ''a higher father'' for his advice. Howard said the guy is insane and he's talking to his God in the White House. Howard said that anyone who parties for 40 years of his life has a problem and he's a dangerous and scary man to have in office. He said that people that don't believe that Bush is going after him is crazy. A year ago Clear Channel was defending what he was saying on the air and once he started backing John Kerry, they changed their tune and took him off the air. He said he can't prove that though because Clear Channel will just say they finally woke up or something like that.
Howard played tape of some guys discussing what's going on with the FCC but they just don't get that it's selective enforcement. They won't go after Oprah for what she said on her show and it was dirtier than what he has talked about on his show and been fined for.
Howard was trying to find tape of Bubba the Love Sponge to play but he wasn't able to find it. Gary tried to help him find the tape but it wasn't helping. A caller told Howard about how the show has been bleeped like crazy lately. Howard knows that is going on and ended up yelling at the caller to get off his line because he was just trying to get under his skin.
Tomorrow is ''Bring your daughter to work day'' so he was going to just ignore the whole thing. He has brought his older daughters to work over the years but he wasn't going to do this with his youngest. He decided to call the school to find out how many kids are actually going to be out of class. He told his daughter Ashley that she has to go to bed early so she will be coming in tomorrow. They're running the Intern Beauty Pageant tomorrow so it wouldn't be appropriate for her to be in the studio during that. Howard suggested that they have her sit in with Tom Chiusano to hit the button on the ''dirty'' stuff. That led to Howard talking about some of the stuff that Tom has hit the button on lately and how ridiculous it is.
Tom came in and giggled as Howard was talking about that stuff. He told Howard that he had bad news for Ashley because he wasn't going to be there tomorrow to hit the button. Howard goofed on Tom and his delay button finger for a couple of minutes before moving on to other stuff.
Howard went to a fashion show for a friend of his but he felt like he was being used when he was there because people were taking pictures and video of him. He spent some time on that and then took a call from Jack Gordon.
Howard said he thinks it's kind of weird that there aren't more kids involved in the cases against Jackson. He seems to believe that more kids would come forward if he was really doing stuff with them.
Jack told Howard about some of the interesting things he has in his book. He said that there are some interesting facts about the Jackson family and how the mother was actually the one running the family. There's also some stuff about the mysterious deaths of some of the family members.
Gary came in and told Howard that Jack wasn't talking to him for about a year and a half because of the rumors he'd heard about him. Chaunce Hayden called in and asked if Jack is going to have stories about how Latoya Jackson claims to have been beaten by him while he screamed at her to stop hitting him. Jack said stuff like that is the reason he wrote the book and it will be explained in it.
Jack told Howard that sex with Latoya was the worst he ever had. He said she was like a dead fish and she wouldn't do much, there was nothing there.
Joey Boots called in and read some stuff from the web site that Jack gave out. He said Latoya took his dogs and hung them over a balcony from a 35 story balcony. Joey thought it was pretty funny that the Jackson's like to hang living things over balconies. Howard wrapped up the call with Jack a little while later. Artie said he likes to hear Jack on the show because he's always got interesting stuff to talk about.
Elliott Offen didn't show up when he was supposed to so Howard had to kill some time talking about other stuff. He had some quotes from President Bush about how he's not for censorship. He read the quotes and said they may have been from when he was the Governor of Texas. He wasn't sure exactly when they were from though.
Howard had some more news about Michael Powell of the FCC. He said that back in 1999 he was given a Freedom of Speech award. Back then he had some stuff to say about how government should not be telling people what they can and can't listen to. He read another quote from the guy from as late as 2001 where he said that the government shouldn't be their nanny. Then something happened and now he and the FCC are fining people like crazy.
Elliott told Howard that he should get rid of his 32 year old girlfriend and get a girl like the one he has who is only 23. Howard asked the woman, Violet, if she was his girlfriend. She said that she is his personal assistant, not his girlfriend. Elliott then went off on Howard and told him how emaciated he looked. He told Howard to stand up and show him what he looked like. Howard told him that he wasn't going to tell him what to do. Howard told Elliott that he would take off his shirt if Elliott took his off. He told Elliott to take it off to show his man boobs. Violet said she has seen his body and he has a good body. Howard said he's got a huge gut and he'll never show it. Howard saw cellulite on his legs as well.
Gary told Elliott that his ass jiggles as well. Elliott continued to brag about how great he thinks he looks and continued to scream and yell at everyone. Artie did his impression of Elliott so Violet told Elliott that Artie was just jealous. She also told Artie that he doesn't have to yell... but Elliott was yelling constantly. Elliott was also showing off the jewelry he was wearing but Howard thought it was fake. Elliott told him to have an appraiser come up and appraise it. Howard said it's gumball machine jewelry.
Howard told Elliott that he called him there for a reason. Elliott is going to be playing a game with them out in Las Vegas. He started to talk about that but the delay ended up getting hit for some reason and Violet was upset with the way they were goofing on Elliott. She said that he wasn't being funny. She was yelling at him while Elliott was yelling in the background. She was telling Artie that he's going to die in a year because he's so fat. Artie said that she's a dude and went off on her just like Elliott does to people.
Howard tried to calm everyone down and talk about why Elliott was there. Gary told Howard that Artie called Elliott a butterface and he got upset and left a bunch of messages complaining about that. Howard told Elliott that he is not a good looking guy and even Violet would admit that. She told Howard that Elliott has the face of a rock star. Howard said he has the face of a rock. Elliott and Artie continued to go back and forth yelling at each other for a couple of minutes.
Howard said there is no talking to Elliott. He said that he will be part of their ''Hollywood Squares'' game out there but he was wondering if Elliott would be able to control himself. Gary wondered if he would have the ability to shut up when it's not his turn. Elliott said he would do that just for Howard because he is flying him out there. He asked Howard if he could fly his assistant out there as well. Gary said he would see what he could do for them.
Howard tried to wrap things up with Elliott but he wanted to yell at Artie a little more. He told Artie that he has cancer of the scrotum as he was being ushered out of the studio. You could hear him yelling in the hall as he was leaving. Howard and Robin thought that he'd be a great entry for the Miss Butterface contest. Howard mentioned that Daniel Carver will also be in Vegas for the Hollywood Squares thing. While he was talking about that you could still hear Elliott yelling out in the hall.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy said that he saw Elliott in the city getting a summons for peeing in the street recently. Howard wanted to ask him about that so they brought him back in. Howard asked him quickly if that was true. Elliott couldn't just say ''yes'' or ''no.'' He told Howard that he not only peed on the street but he defecated on the street as well. Then he said he was just making that up and he did not do either of those things. Howard realized that he'd made a mistake getting into it with Elliott again.
Gary told Howard that there is just one person that Elliott is always nice to when he comes in... KC. Howard wondered if he has a crush on him or something. Elliott said he has a crush on Violet, not on KC. Howard then asked Violet if she has ever had sex with Elliott. She wouldn't answer and wanted Elliott to answer for her. Howard wondered why, if they are in love, she would call herself his assistant. Howard told Elliott that it's sad that he has to pretend to have a girlfriend. Elliott continued to yell as he was being taken out of the studio again. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said they have a list of everything they'll be doing out in Las Vegas on his web site HowardStern.com.
Dave Attell came in and said that he'd like to see Elliott on ''The Swan.'' They were talking about how he looks but Howard thinks he looks kind of like the guy. Dave said that's not true. He also won't be able to get a hard one after seeing that. Howard told Dave that he saw a little bit of his show the other night and it was pretty good. Dave said he has a couple more of his ''Insomniac'' shows coming up soon. He was in Tokyo having some fun over there. He and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how wacky their porn is over there. Dave said they have a TV show called ''Sexual Harassement'' over there. They like to humiliate people in their culture for some reason.
Dave told Howard that they're allowed to do just about anything they want on TV over there but they do block out pubic hair and stuff like that. Howard was talking about the Japanese porn he's seen and how they really like to degrade women there.
Howard gave Dave a few plugs for his upcoming comedy gigs and his new ''Insomniac: Rio'' DVD which is coming out soon. You can find out more info about that at DaveAttell.com.
Dave told Howard that he saw Stuttering John out in L.A. recently and he thinks they should start calling him ''L.A. John'' because he's got that laid back, relaxed attitude now. They spent a short time talking about John and then moved on to Robin's news.
Howard started off the morning saying good morning to everyone in the studio. He then said that he brought his 11 year old daughter Ashley in to work with him this morning. It was bring you daughter to work day so that's why she was there. She got to see him get his hair done for a half hour before the show. He said he'd be behaving himself this morning and asked Benjy to behave himself as well.
Howard asked Gary to do him a favor and take Ashley on a tour while he did the Intern Beauty Pageant later in the morning. Fred played a bunch of the Baba Booey jingles as Gary was coming in. Howard said Ashley was staring at him while they were playing but Gary told her that his name is ''Gary'' not Baba Booey. Ashley wasn't comfortable talking on air so she wasn't saying anything. Howard thinks that they're going to have to do a lot of tours with Ashley to keep her from hearing the show. Gary said it would be inappropriate for her to hear some of the stuff that would be going on.
Howard used to bring his other two daughters to work with him in the past but Robin said they would usually fall asleep on the couch during the show. They didn't seem to be impressed with his job but Ashley might find it a little more impressive. He had to wake her up really early this morning to bring her in with him and she thought he was nuts getting up at that time. Howard told her that if she gets really bored today he'll take her to the E! room and she can argue with Scott DePace for a little while. He told her that she is going to be taking Kerry's side in the election if she's asked.
Artie was giving Ashley some advice on betting which led to the guys talking about who Artie is betting on in basketball. They spent a minute on that and then Howard took a call from attorney Dominic Barbara who was at the hospital the day Ashley was born. He said he got to see her when she was about 5 minutes old. Howard talked about that day and how he helped keep his wife from delivering the baby by C-section. Dominic was telling Ashley how beautiful she was when she was born. Howard recalls the doctor kicking Dominic out of the hospital room. He wasn't even sure why Dominic showed up there that day. Dominic kept saying that he was called by Howard that he was on his way there but he said that wasn't true. Dominic claims that he was her unofficial Godfather as well but Howard said that wasn't true either and got him off the phone a minute later.
Howard said Dominic wasn't her ''unofficial Godfather,'' he was her ''unofficial whale'' and goofed on the guy for a little while. He made fun of his weight and his gurgling voice.
Ashley is going to get a tour of the whole radio station while they do the Intern Beauty Pageant. Artie asked if she got to meet Cabbie this morning when she came in. Howard said she did but he was dressed kind of conservatively. He also introduced him as ''Lee'' which is his real name. He said that seemed to throw Cabbie off a little bit. Howard wants the guys to take Ashley to Tom's office to show her his In/Out box that's always empty.
Howard said that out in Columbus, Ohio on his affiliate station they have been censoring his show every time they play the Taylor Rain porn movie clips because they're afraid of getting fined. Howard read a letter that they wrote out there and they basically said that they can't afford to have any fines so they have to censor out anything they find to be possibly offensive. The General Manager wrote a letter about why they have to stop that stuff. Gary told Howard that the letter he was reading was a note that they send out to people who complain via e-mail.
Howard said if they're that much against his show they should take him off already. He didn't know that an audio clip of a woman saying ''Oh yeah!'' was offensive. The station manager out there was saying that Howard should be able to change the way he does his show to conform to the FCC's wishes of less sexual shows. Howard asked Gary to get the guy on the phone so he can talk to him and find out what he's thinking.
Howard hadn't had one delay button hit yet this morning and it was probably because his daughter was there. He said he should have her in every day to keep himself from getting the button hit on him. She still hadn't said a word at this point. Howard said he wouldn't force her to talk on the air if she didn't want to.
Howard brought up last night's ''American Idol'' and how the worst singers were getting votes more than the best singers. Gary came in and said that Will from the back office thinks that this country is still so racist that they will never vote a black chick to win the contest. Howard said that Will is also the guy who thinks that he is gay for KC and that OJ Simpson gets a bad rap in the press. He talked to him about that and argued about the whole racist thing. Howard also thought that the girl who was voted off last night could have been Robin's sister because she looked so much like her. The other guys didn't seem to agree with that though.
Howard wanted to bet Will that a black woman will win the American Idol contest. Will doesn't make a lot of money and was only willing to put up $50. Gary said that's a lot of money for him. Howard's daughter was yawning so he told Will that he was boring her with his arguments. He and the guys spent a couple more minutes talking about the show and how effeminate the guys on there are. Howard said he made his daughter Ashley watch the show last night and when Barry Manilow walked out she asked ''Is he gay?'' Howard wants to get him on the show to find out what's up with him. He had to take a break right after that.
KC came in and said that John was only able to interview one guy last night at this Rain Forest concert he went to. He only got Radio Man. Howard wondered why John wasn't able to get anyone else famous on the red carpet. John said that he was not allowed access inside the event he was at and no one was walking past them on the red carpet. While John was stuttering up a storm Fred was playing some of the song parodies Dan the Song Parody Man threw together which had his many stutters in them.
John told Howard that the only celebrity they saw at this event was India Artie and they didn't recognize her right away. Gary heard that John made a comment about how she looked like she belongs in the Rain Forest when he saw her walking past. John claims he was just joking around though. John tried to explain his actions but Howard cut him off and said that they would play his interview tape later in the show. They played him out with some more of the song parodies that they've been playing. They also replayed the call John took from Yucko the Clown who prank called him as a reporter from The NY Post. John turned down an interview and stuttered like crazy as he was trying to explain why he was turning it down. Then Yucko went off on him and got him really pissed. John got so pissed that he stopped stuttering for a few seconds and told Yucko he's going to kill him out in Vegas.
Artie pointed out that Benjy was eating something that looked like frozen mashed potatoes. Benjy said it was actually frozen jello. Howard talked to Ashley about her breakfast and what she wanted to try next. She's going to have some egg whites. She said she was having some fun in there this morning as well. Howard claims that Ashley is going to take over when he retires. He's going to make sure she works clean though.
Porn star Corina Taylor (CanYouBeAPornStar.com) called in to tell Howard how she ended up missing her flight last night. She and her step-father were flying in to do the show today but they missed their first flight and then missed their connecting flight to New York. They're supposed to come in tomorrow instead. Her step-father is upset about everything but it wasn't their fault. Howard said he's kind of glad she didn't show up today since his daughter is there with him.
Corina and her step-father are sharing the same hotel room so Howard tried to find out if anything went on in there. She told Howard she wasn't wearing any panties but she wasn't nude in the room. Howard didn't believe that she was telling the truth but she swore she was. She said she had a pair of shorts on with no panties. She swears she wore a shirt as well but Howard wasn't sure she was telling the truth there either. She told Howard nothing happened between them and she wasn't even sure what he wore to bed. Howard thinks there's something weird going on with that family. Howard said they should have a private jet for a guest like that because they're so interesting. He took another break after getting off the phone with her.
Benjy thinks he'll lose 20 pounds before they go to Las Vegas next month. Howard talked about some of the stuff they'll be doing out there and Robin said she's going to be performing KoRn's ''Y'all Want a Single'' song in their karaoke contest. Howard said he doesn't want to let her do that. He played some of the song and he changed his mind. Howard read some of the songs that the guys will be performing. Tom Chiusano is performing Pearl Jam's ''Jeremy'' so Fred goofed on him and did his impression of Tom's monotone.
Howard wants to do a Zeppelin song and take the win. He sang a little bit to give people a taste of his talents. The band Train will be backing them up for the Karaoke contest. Howard played with a couple more songs and tried to figure out which one he wants to perform. Fred played Howard's last Karaoke performance where he and his girlfriend were doing a duet at their Valentine's Day party. Howard was really plastered that night so he really let loose. Howard said he was out of his mind that night.
Artie is going to do some AC/DC in the Karoke contest so Howard thinks he's going to blow them all away. Howard continued to go through a bunch of Led Zeppelin songs trying to figure out which one he wants to perform. Robin said that she won't be flying out to Vegas with the rest of the guys because she feels too confined in the private jet. She will be flying a commercial fight instead.
Howard said that they have all of the Las Vegas details on HowardStern.com. Artie was on there and said that the site looks really good these days. He has been reading some of the stuff on the site and he's liking it.
Howard brought up how cheap Artie is. He said that his girlfriend Beth went out to lunch with Artie's girlfriend and the car service Artie hired had to go to the airport to pick people up when he was driving Dana home. Artie didn't know that the guy had to do that though. He asked the guy to do him a favor and didn't know that he had to do other pick ups. He got a call from Dana while she was on her way to JFK airport and he started fuming.
Howard thought his daughter was getting bored with Artie's story so he asked her if she wanted to hear more of his singing. She didn't want to hear any more of that. Howard talked to his daughter for a couple of minutes and asked her what she wants to do when she grows up. She wasn't really sure. Howard liked the way she was acting on the air because she seemed a little intimidated. She was behaving nicely so he liked that. Fred played some of Robin's Karaoke performance from a few months back so Ashley could hear that.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard that they could mix the Taylor Rain porn clips with a Led Zeppelin song. Howard thought it was kind of a long way to go but tried it anyway. They waited a long time to get to the point in the song where they could use the clip. Then it turned out it was the wrong song so they had to start all over again. The right song took even longer to get to. It wasn't really worth the wait.
Comedian Shuli called in and asked Robin if she really thought she'd be able to pull off that KoRn song. She says she can. Shuli has some stuff planned for when they're out there in Vegas. He wants to do some drinking games with them. Gary said that they have a contest coming up soon where they'll be giving away a night on the town with a Playboy Playmate.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls after that. One caller told Howard how lame Jay Leno's show was last night and what a rip off of Howard's show it was. Another caller told Howard he thinks that John the Stutterer is putting on that stutter of his. Howard doesn't think that it's fake though.
Gary was telling Howard how he and KC got yelled at yesterday because they didn't talk to the guests good enough to stop them from talking dirty during their interview. Gary said that they do talk to the guests but they don't have complete control over them all. Howard said they hit the delay on him yesterday for 55 different things. Gary said they had to hit the dump button so many times yesterday that they almost ran out of delay. They were about 20 seconds from playing music instead of the show. Howard is really tired of all of this stuff and he just wants out already. He's done in a year and 7 months anyway so he asked the FCC to just wait that long to throw him off the air.
Howard said that the video screens in cars are now going to come under attack because there's some senator who wants to ban them. There's a tiny chance that someone might watch porn in their car and someone else might look in and see it playing. Robin couldn't believe that but Howard said he had an article about it. He found the article a minute later. He read it and said that there are a couple of senators who are trying to get laws passed that would make it illegal for people to play stuff like that in their cars where people could see it.
Gary wondered if Howard was really ready to leave radio. Howard said he really is tired of dealing with everything but he does like that he can get a table at a great restaurant when he calls in. He thinks he can milk that for another 10 years or so even if he leaves radio. He has other cool stuff planned and he's not going to go away even if he leaves radio. Artie said he might stop getting tables if Howard leaves radio. Howard told him he shouldn't have a hard time getting a table at Arby's.
Howard was talking about how he might not be able to get stuff as quick as he can when he mentions it on the radio. He was able to get his daughter some boots he wasn't able to find in the stores when he mentioned them on the air. Howard would like to have a life where he doesn't have to work almost every day of the week. He'd like to have weekends off but right now he has to work on Sundays.
Gary doesn't think that his radio station will ever fire him. Howard said they have to fire him though and he just wants to leave. He said he could just stay around and play music instead. That won't happen either. Gary seems to think that the company will just keep taking the fines until Howard leaves in a year and 7 months.
Howard told his daughter Ashley that she was going to go on a tour of the station while they do the Intern Beauty Pageant. She was on her way out before Howard went to break.
Howard wondered why the guy never asked his parents to get him an operation to fix the cleft pallet. Howard wasn't understanding anything he said but Artie could understand him because he sounded kind of like a drunk guy.
Fred had intros for all of the guys but they didn't play them because they were already introduced by Howard. Howard tried to talk to Clef Pallet but he was interpreting everything wrong. They were trying to find out about the porn trip he'd won on the show the last time he was on. He said they pushed it back to sometime in the future and he hasn't gone on the trip yet. Clef said that he had a girl about a year ago but they broke up for some reason. Howard was goofing on the poor guy doing an impression of him for a few seconds.
Howard talked to Jeff Levy the Vomit guy for a short time. He asked him why he stinks so much. Jeff said that he must just be used to the smell because he doesn't smell it. Jeff said that he's a part time correspondent for the web site VomitOnline.com. That might explain his stink.
Howard explained the Intern Beauty Pageant to the guys and talked about the money that the girls would be winning. The first place winner gets $2500.
First up was Julie the Intern. This is the girl that Donald Trump thought was very beautiful. Howard thinks she looks a bit like Michelle Pfeiffer. He said his opinion doesn't count though, it's all up to the judges. Howard heard that Julie has some trouble getting pleasure from men when she's with them. She said that's not true and it was something that Will had made up. She did say that she's only been with one man in her life though. Gary also told Howard that Jayson Williams hit on Julie one time. There were a couple of other basketball players who have hit on her as well. She's 22 years old and has only been with the one guy so far. She's attracted to Artie and said she'd probably have sex with him if he asked her. Julie plays guitar so she's going to play it when she performs her song.
Howard had Julie go ahead and play her song which was Sheryl Crowe's ''Strong Enough.'' She changed the lyrics to be about all of the judges. Howard said he was ready to crown her right then. Howard couldn't believe that Julie doesn't get hit on when she goes out. Ronnie said she's pretty shy. Howard heard that she doesn't get along with the other interns either.
Howard had the guys give their scores for Julie. Ronnie gave her a 9, Clef Pallet gave her a 10, Jeff Levy gave her an 8 and John the Stutterer gave her a 8.
Howard had Kristin come in next. They played her intro and Howard said she looked great in her mini skirt and belly shirt. Howard read her bio and talked about what she does in college and how she lost her virginity at 18. She has had sex with a few guys in her time but it's not all that bad. She talked about giving oral for an old boyfriend one time but the delay button was hit on that story. She has made out with girls as well. Howard asked her how the kissing happened. She said she made out with this black chick one time. She had a great body according to Kristin. They did shots off each other and eventually kissed. She hasn't gone any further than that with women. Kristin loves Jillian Barberie and would like to work for her. She wants to be just like her so Artie wondered why she'd want to do that.
Kristin performed a version of ''Paint It Black'' by the Rolling Stones. She had her own lyrics of course. Howard moved right to the scoring after that. John the Stutterer said that her song wasn't too good but he gave her a 9. Clef Pallet gave her a 9... and mumbled something after that. Ronnie gave her a 9. He was going to give her a 10 but he didn't like that she'd taken her top off during her song. No one understood that because it was hot when she did that. Jeff the Vomit guy said that he liked her and gave her an 8.
Next up was Erica. She came in as they were playing her intro. Howard asked her if she was the one that was mad at Julie. She was called a whore by Julie one time. Julie said that she went down to see KC at Carolines Comedy Club one time and brought some of her friends with her. Erica was heckling one of the comics that night and some of Julie's friends called her names and one of them was ''whore.'' Julie wasn't the one who called her names though. Howard got back to Erica and let her talk about her life a little bit. Erica has made out with a couple of the other interns on the show so they talked about that a bit. Erica said that she and Kristin had gone out to a bar and made out in front of some guys they were trying to impress.
Howard had Erica perform her song parody after that. After she sang Howard took some phone calls for the girls. The guys that called in were impressed with what they were hearing so far. One guy called in and said that they dumped out of something when the intern was talking about the sex in the car thing earlier. Howard didn't think she said anything bad on the air and he really wants to get out of there because of it. He said it again and got the delay hit again. It had something to do with her climbing on her boyfriend's lap but that was about all we got out of it.
Howard had all of the guys give their scores for Erica. Ronnie gave Erica a 9, Clef Pallet gave her a 10, Jeff the Vomit Guy gave her a 9 and John the Stutterer gave her a 7. He was talking about how he would like to lick her like a dog but then gave her a 7. Erica told John that she wasn't going to vote for him to get Stuttering John's Job.
Howard took a few more phone calls and then brought in the final intern... Heather. She was the only one who had dark hair so she stood out according to Howard. Heather said that she's kind of conservative about talking about sex and stuff like that. She said that she and the other interns have become very close working together. She says that she never pleasures herself so Howard asked why that is. She thinks that guys should do that for her and she doesn't feel the need. Heather says that she's so busy with her life that she doesn't have the time to do it. When she goes to bed she's too busy watching Howard on TV. She has also had problems performing sexually with guys for some reason. Howard read that she said she thinks that Chinese people should be nicer to people. She's never met a friendly Chinese person. She also believes that there is a cure for cancer available but doctors are holding back until they can get patents and stuff.
Heather kind of said that she could have been lying about never pleasuring herself. She said her parents were listening so she didn't want to bring that stuff up. Gary said that she's another one that is very close to her father. They talked about that for a minute and also talked about how she was almost killed in a tornado a couple of years ago. She explained that and how things were whipping around... She got cut off when the other girls were laughing at her. The delay button got hit when she cursed for some reason.
Heather performed her song parody which was to a Billy Joel song. She lost her place at one point so Howard just cut her off. He took a couple of phone calls and then had the judges give their scores. John the Stutterer gave her a 7, Jeff the Vomit Guy gave her a 7, Clef Pallet gave her a 7 and Ronnie gave her an 8.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and wanted to give his scores. He said he wanted to give the girl who said she'd like to do her father a 9. She never said she wanted to do her father, she's just close to him. Howard took some other phone calls and then had Gary give the scores. There was actually a 3 way tie because Julie, Erica and Kristin all had the same score of 35. That meant the judges had to pick one of the three to win. Howard asked John the Stutterer for his pick. John went with Kristen a 9 so she was number 1. Jeff gave his pick to Erica, Clef gave it to Julie and Ronnie was stuck with the final choice. Ronnie had to pick his favorite but he was the tie breaker and didn't want that. He gave his pick to Kristin. Kristin was the winner and gets $2500 courtesy of the Micro Touch trimmer.
Ronnie picked Julie as his second place choice. Clef, Jeff and John all picked her as their favorite second place winner as well. She got $1500 as a prize and Erica got $1000. Heather, who came in fourth, got $500. They all get a bunch of other prizes as well. Gary said they get Bally Total Fitness memberships, a Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner and some other stuff.
Jeff Levy got in a plug for HowardShrine.net and John the Stutterer showed the girls his long tongue. Clef didn't have anything to plug but Ronnie did. He will be at the Inwood Manor for a charity event tonight. The interns threw in some plugs for various web sites as well. One of them is going to start a web site called CrawlHoboken.com this summer. The other girls gave thanks to a bunch of people as well.
One of Ashley's friends, Carly, called in to talk to Ashley. They talked and giggled for a few seconds. She said her father brought her into work as well. Howard told Carly that she's going to be bored after 10 minutes at her father's job. Howard said he loves that kid.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in after that. She told Ashley that she sounds just like her father in the old tapes that he plays of himself. Mariann also told Ashley how great her father is making everyone laugh every morning. Fred played the crow cawing sounds in the background and Artie did his impression of her for a few seconds.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Ashley how important it is for her father to remain on the radio because he makes it easier for people to make it through the day working with other people. Howard told Ashley he was glad she came in this morning. Artie was happy she came in as well because they got to have pancakes for breakfast.
Howard sent his daughter off to the E! room to watch those guys work. He gave her kisses and said that he loves his kid. He and Robin ended up talking about the hot interns they'd just had in there earlier. Howard wondered how Artie can resist that Julie intern who is really into him. They can't mess around with interns but there's nothing wrong with them dating after the interns leave. Mike Gange from E! has done that.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks his daughter looks like him or his ex-wife more. Robin thought that she looked like a mix of his other two daughters. Howard said he sees that as well.
Howard wants to have Clef Pallet play Hollywood Squares out in Vegas next month but they don't have any room for him. He may stick him in a square with someone else but he's not sure how that will work out.
Zolar called in and told Howard he wanted to tell Ashley how great her father is. He had his daughter with him at his job. He said he's a janitor at a building and he had his daughter vacuuming and stuff like that. Howard found out that Zolar is one of those guys who makes like $100,000 as a janitor. Zolar said it's more like $75,000 or so but it's good money because he works at a school. He gave him a $500 prize for calling in. Robin started her news a short time after that.
Howard played a clip from an NBC prime time show that aired last night where they played a commercial that aired in Australia where they talk about a new product called ''Pussy in a can.'' He wondered if his show would be censored for playing that clip or not. It wasn't so it must be okay to play stuff like that during prime time TV. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Robin got back to her news.
A listener called in and told Howard that there was a report on the local FOX news channel earlier in the morning where they let the F-word fly a couple of times. Howard told his guys to get that up on his web site as soon as possible so they could have his fans file some complaints about that since he's getting complaints for stuff like that as well.
Howard was trying to figure out if something was racist or not. He read an article about the Miami police and how they have dropped the swimming requirement for the force because they want more blacks to join the force. Howard said they asked one of the interns in the office what they thought. Howard said the person said that the reason blacks can't swim is because they're not as buoyant. The Miami police say it's because people that grow up in the area in lower class homes don't get to go swimming because they don't have the money for a pool. This led to all of the guys talking about famous guys who have made comments about blacks and why they can and can't do things like swim or play in sports.
Howard and Gary were also talking about the things that went on when they were younger. Gary worked in a store where they had a ''Schvoogie buzzer'' that was hit when black people entered the store to warn the employees to keep an eye on them. Gary said they didn't call it that when he worked there, and he wasn't the one in charge of the buzzer. He was in charge of keeping an eye on the people who came into the store. Gary told Howard he was never told that it was about keeping an eye on the blacks, but that was the only time the buzzer was ever hit.
A phone caller tried to tell Howard a story about something that happened when he worked as a lifeguard but he was dragging it out so much that Howard couldn't take it. He kept starting the story over and over again and it made Howard nuts. He eventually had to hang up on him.
Howard wondered who was screening the callers this morning because they all had their raided on and didn't know they were talking to him. Gary said it was Will who was doing it. Howard took a call from a guy who said that every black guy he saw in the Navy when he was there always ended up flailing around in the remedial pool. Howard said he thinks it's just because they don't get to go to pools as a child so they don't learn how to swim. Mike Gange never learned how to swim and his parents had money according to Howard. He almost drowned when he was on vacation with Doug Goodstein one year.
Howard told a story about his mother calling his camp and demanding that her son be forced to swim when he was at camp. He said that his mother was checking his bathing suit to find out if it was wet or not when he came home from camp. He also said his mother would tell his friends about how afraid of the water he was when he didn't want to swim. He says that his parents think that he exaggerates when he tells these stories but he doesn't believe he is. He did an impression of his mother and father for a few minutes and said that he has been caught up in his past lately because he's been working on ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon. He wanted a tape of what he'd just talked about so he could turn that into an episode.
Howard changed subjects and said he watched ''Friends'' last night and said they should just end it already. It was horrible according to him. He said that Rachel going to Paris is dumb. Ross is gay and Joey is just dumb believing that his agent was calling him from heaven. He said the writing was unbelievable. He also pointed out that they're shooting Courtney Cox from the head up because she had to get pregnant before the show was over. He talked about how odd it is that she decided to have a baby with David Arquette. Artie recently said that it's like she's married to a circus clown. He was wondering what a couple like that does all day. Howard said he knows the guy and he's a nice guy but Robin said he shouldn't be having a baby.
Howard mentioned one of the lines that Courtney Cox said to Matthew Perry about his balls going back up inside his body when he heard a certain voice of an old girlfriend. Howard wondered if he can say that on his show since they were allowed to say it on Friends.
Michael Jackson has gone into hiding because of everything that's going on with him. Howard said if he were smart he'd go to Scores and go into hiding there. That would at least make it look like he's into women. He said they're trying to make him look tough by joining the Nation of Islam instead. He needs to hang around women more to make him look like he's into them instead. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about Jackson before he had to take his first break of the morning.
Howard said he was watching the FCC's Michael Powell talking about fining people over stuff they feel is indecent. He said that Powell sounds really effeminate when he's talking so he was doing an impression of the guy that was pretty funny. Howard wants Powell and the FCC to say exactly what is considered indecent because they're all over the place with that stuff. He played tape of the interview he saw. Powell says he respect Howard Stern but some of the stuff he says is indecent to him. Howard said that he has asked Powell to come on his ABC special to answer some questions about free speech. He wants to ask him why he arbitrarily fines him for stuff that other people do on their shows. Powell keeps saying that there is a line to be drawn but Howard doesn't think they have drawn a line. They just keep moving the line all over the place so they can fine him and not other shows.
Howard says that this guy Powell is just a liar and they have to vote ''these guys'' out of office. Powell was rambling a lot about the fines and how he's uncomfortable with some of them. Howard wants to bring them to court over these fines but he knows that the FCC is going to jerk his company around if they try to do that. Howard still believes that they are going to force him out of a job if they keep up what they're doing.
Howard pointed out that Powell was doing this interview out in Las Vegas where all of these guys seem to enjoy going to quite often. He said Powell flies first class out there because his back hurts if he flies any other way.
Howard read through some of the notes he had about this show of Bill's. He talks about many of the guests he had on his show over the years. Howard mentioned Morton Downey Jr.'s name in there and talked about that for a few seconds. He said the show is at the Triad Theater, Monday Night's at 7pm. You can get tickets at TheaterMania.com. He said the tickets are only $15 and if you get a chance, go see the guy.
Artie said that Boggs should be talking about the time Howard did his show because it might have been one of the best shows he ever did. It didn't look like he'd made the cut after reading the notes about the show.
Howard said his girlfriend was taking a cab the other day and the Arab cab driver was telling her how beautiful she was and he wanted her to put a dot in the middle of her head. He gave her the dot and told her that it would bring her good luck. Beth said ''no thank you'' to the guy but he really wanted her to take it. Robin thought that would mean that she's married to the guy or something like that. Howard said the driver made her take the dot and got insulted when she said she didn't want it. He said the guy had some of that wacky music they play and he offered to give her the CD he had if she gave him a good tip. She didn't want that either and the whole ride was a nightmare.
The guys talked about how tough it must be for hot chicks to get around in the city with guys like that out there. That led to them talking about strippers and how great they are. Howard was talking about Scores and how he loves the new one on the West Side.
Howard got some complaints about the amount of time he spent singing Led Zeppelin songs yesterday. He was going to read more e-mail but lost the pile of stuff he had. Howard wondered if he had just read it on the computer and maybe it wasn't even printed out. Gary told him it was printed but Howard got pissed at him for assuming that it was printed. Gary found the pile a few seconds later and handed it to him. He went on to read some of the mail even though it wasn't as good as he thought it was. There was one mail from a person who pointed out one of the things Bob Woodward talked about in his new book. It was about Dick Cheney showing a map to a Saudi Prince that was labeled ''No Foreign'' which means that no foreigners were supposed to see it. The writer wondered why no one is talking about treason with this administration.
Howard talked about his weight loss and how he's trying to look good for when they're out in Las Vegas in a few weeks. He said they have a lot of information about what they'll be doing out there on HowardStern.com. He mentioned the ''Hollyweird Squares'' thing and a bunch of the other stuff they have planned. They have gotten about 25 entries for the Miss Butterface contest but a lot of the women are too good looking to win. Robin thinks that a lot of women with butterfaces don't know that they have a butterface. KC told Howard that Miss Howard Stern wants to be in the contest. Howard said she's too cute to win. Howard said her body is better than her face but it's not all that bad. Last year they had some women with really bad faces.
John came in to talk to Howard about what went on. John said he had to defend himself and Janks started the whole thing. He continued to call him a little midget. He said that everyone there knows that he's a sweet guy and he only goes off on people when they make fun of him.
KC told Howard that the E! guys screwed with John yesterday telling him that one of the E! guys was actually Yucko the Clown without his makeup on. KC said that one of the guys was walking around talking on his cell phone as Yucko and John wanted to beat the crap out of him. KC said he still doesn't know what Yucko looks like without his makeup on so he'll never recognize the guy if he sees him.
John the Stutterer wanted to tell Howard an idea for the show but he didn't want to hear it. Howard told him he did a good job this week working there trying out for Stuttering JOhn's job. He wished him luck in the voting and said it would be a pleasure to have him there working. Howard said John seems to feel good after working there all week.
Howard went on to read some of the e-mail he had about his singing yesterday. A lot of people were upset with him spending so much time doing that on the show yesterday. He said some people are wondering when Alanis Morissette is going to be on the show but all he could say is that she's going to be on ''soon.''
Howard mentioned that Jenny McCarthy is going to be on the show next week and he can't wait. He loves her for some reason even though he knows that her career seems to be over already. The last time she was on she let him feel her up so he wants to do that again.
Howard played the tape of KC talking to him about the incident and how pissed off he was at him. Erik told KC that he would do anything to make it up to him. KC then went on to ask Erik what he would do to make it up to him. Erik kept apologizing and said that he would do anything at all. KC then told him that he wanted him to meet him at his apartment to suck his dick. Erik then said ''Yeah, why not'' after asking him if he would be the only one there. KC told him that he would make it fair by sucking him. That would ''wipe it clean'' for the two of them. KC told him that he was serious about this and they were going to do it while watching ''Will and Grace.''
KC asked Erik if he knew how to do this. Erik told him he knew how to do it and he was doing it to patch up their relationship. KC then broke out of character and called Erik a fag and went off on him for a minute. Erik admitted that he's gay after KC told him to just come out already. Erik said he's only gay when he sees KC on TV. He also said that he's gay for Gary. KC told him that he broke ''the code of men'' and then told him to go F himself. Artie said that may have been one of the funniest things he's heard.
Howard tried to take a phone call from a guy but there was a weird noise on the phone line. The caller told Howard that the radio station down in his area replays his show with the commercials taken out at like 1 in the morning. Howard said he's not sure they're allowed to do that. While he was talking to the guy Fred was playing a jackhammer sound effect in the background because the phone line had that noise on it. Howard was laughing as the sounds were playing. Fred would cut in whenever heard the noise on the phone line and would cut the guy off each time.
John the Stutterer was out in the office yelling so loud on the phones that it was coming through into the studio. Howard said it was actually coming through the board though and wondered how that was possible. He thinks that Scott the Engineer has something to do with that since he's always messing with stuff first thing in the morning. He took a break after complaining about that for a minute.
Howard said Tommy is in jail for doing nothing and they really hosed him good. He thinks that the judge was upset that Tommy was making a joke about the whole thing when he was in court so that's why they threw the book at him. Howard asked Gary to put the letter on his web site so people can read it themselves.
Howard got an e-mail from a guy who said that Jackie Mason has been defending Howard in his act lately. Howard would like to hear that bit for himself if possible. That led to Howard talking about Michael Powell again and how he expects everyone to know what's going through his head. Artie told a story about how E! won't show anyone feeling up women's breasts on the show anymore. When Artie and Howard were feeling up these women on the show they would cut away to fake reaction shots of Artie and Gary. Howard said he has a weird relationship with E! these days. When this new person took over at E! they started doing stuff to his show without telling him about it. Years ago he was told when they had an issue with a show and they'd talk about it. He said it might be time to take the show somewhere else. He said he likes E! but they can't dick with his show without telling him about it... although Tom is editing his show like crazy lately. Howard wonders why E! is letting the FCC win in all of this stuff. They're allowed to show stuff like that on cable.
Howard revealed that he sometimes dances in front of his mirror while he's completely naked. He said he'll start doing the air guitar windmill thing and whack his penis. The guys were talking about The Who and how Howard and the guys went to see them in concert one night. Howard said it wasn't a great night for him because it was the night that Bill Clinton blew him off and turned his back to him. It was also the night that Julia Stiles was treating him like crap and acting like her shit doesn't stink. That led to Howard talking about all of the ugly women that Bill Clinton was with in his life. They were talking about Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky and others. Howard realized that the President was a freak after seeing those women paraded around.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said the E! people should blur women's naked asses with Michael Powell's head and blur out the boob shots with George W's head. Howard said he tried something like that a while a go and it just doesn't work. Dan said that he hates to hear Howard down about all of this stuff. Howard got off the line after a minute or so and moved on.
Howard talked about this new airline called StripClubJets.com that has strippers on every flight. Howard was given 10,000 flier miles to fly with them wherever he wants. Howard seemed to like the idea. Robin wondered if they are really just stripping up there. They said that there really aren't that many laws when you're flying up there. Artie mentioned that he recently saw one of the Hooters jets on the runway when he was flying somewhere. Robin said she laughs when she sees the Hooters signs in the airport these days. Howard wants to take them up on their offer and fly out to Los Angeles with them sometime.
One guy went into a showing of The Passion of the Christ and asked people questions while they were watching the movie. The guy had balls and the tape was actually very funny. He ended up getting kicked out of the theater. Howard thought the guy was pretty edgy and it was an interesting idea but he might be a little too insane.
Joey Boots sent in a tape of a phony phone call he made to Gary the Retard. He used tapes of Jay Leno to make the call and had Gary believing that he was someone who beats his kids. Howard said Gary must be really lonely because he stays on the line with a phony Jay Leno. None of the tapes really blew Howard away. He said he might have Gary the Retard come in for a week though.
KC came in and said that Shuli sent in a tape that was pretty good. They had already played the tape which was a goof on the Booey Maguire tape that they had of Gary talking to his girlfriend on an old tape. Shuli made it his own request for John's job. He said the song was good and he'd be willing to give him a shot for a week.
High Pitch Erik called in and said he's still down in Florida and he really misses him down there. Howard asked him about the oral sex thing that KC made the call to him about. Erik said that he really would give KC oral to make up with him. He said that there are only two guys on the show he would do that with though. It's just KC and Gary. Howard hung up on him a minute later.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he had seen the new Britney Spears video. Howard saw it and said it was really hot. He said she looks great in the video but then he saw a picture of her in a magazine and her belly was hanging over her pants. He doesn't know how she can look so different like that. He went on to talk about how wacky the video was and what they do in it.
Howard had another tape for the Stuttering John's Job thing. This one was a bad song about Howard that creeped him out. He cut it off a few seconds in. Another guy sent in a song parody to a rap song. Howard only lasted for about 30 seconds before he had to cut that one off. A woman sent in a tape of herself telling a bunch of bad jokes. Robin wondered if KC is out of his mind having Howard play these awful entries. KC said he has been listening to a lot of the tapes and he may have gotten her confused with another woman. There were some other wacky entries that he played including one from a guy who read a top 10 list and farted before each one.
Howard put the word out that they're looking for a brother and sister team who would like to go out on a date with porn star Tabitha Stevens. He said you can call 800-44-STERN if you want in on that.
A listener called in and told Howard that Britney Spears isn't all that hot because he's seen her in person. That led to the guys talking about the women they find the hottest out there. Artie said he still likes Pam Anderson (Pre-Hep) as his favorite of all time. Howard said he would have to take Jolene Blalock over Pam. Fred said that he likes Angelina Jolie as a current day chick that he'd like to bang. Howard told Artie he can't go back 10 years with Pam in her pre-hepatitis days because he was asking about a current day chick he'd like to bang. Howard thought his idea of going back in time to bang a hot chick would make for a great movie though.
Artie picked Halle Berry instead of Pam saying that he thinks she's really sexy. Howard said she's sexless to him and she really isn't that hot. KC came in and said that there hasn't been a bad picture taken of Anna Kournikova. Howard said he's seen plenty of bad pictures of her and she's actually a butterface. The guys spent a couple more minutes on that and then went to break.
Howard moved on to Mike's game after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
John the Stutterer came in to say goodbye to everyone since today was his last day trying out for Stuttering John's job. He said that he would give his experience a 9 out of 10. Robin wondered what stopped it from being a 10. He seemed to like saying ''Noine'' like Gary said in his video tape to his girlfriend years ago. That seemed to be the reason he liked the number 9.
Howard played the tape where John and Yucko the Clown (DamnShow.com) yelled at each other on the phone earlier in the week. Howard reminded everyone that the E! guys were goofing on John yesterday telling him that Richie was actually Yucko without the makeup on. He said that John was following Richie around trying to figure out if he really was Yucko.
Howard let John go shortly after playing that call. Fred was goofing on him the whole time he was in there and Howard thought the impression was right on. Fred continued to do the impression for a couple of minutes after John left. Howard had Robin start her news after that.