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Howard had just finished his breakfast as he started the show this morning. He said he has to eat it before it gets cold because it gets gross after a while. He was talking about how they had plenty of time to talk today because they didn't have many guests booked for the show.
Robin was wondering how Ronnie the Limo Driver was doing since they goofed on his new limo. Howard said he used the limo over the weekend and Beth ripped her dress trying to get into the giant new limo. He said his parents will never be able to get in and out of it either because it's so big.
Artie went to the new Scores down in Ft. Lauderdale over the weekend. He told Howard about how that went. He was hooked up with some great meals and watched the Yankee game while he was getting paid to make an appearance there. He said he went out and said hi to everyone there and went back to watching the game. A bunch of Howard's buddies were down there for the opening of the new club. Ronnie the Limo Driver was down there as well so he came in and shared stories about their trip. Artie said that Ronnie gets really happy when he drinks and he's almost jealous over it. Gary came in and said he heard that some crazy stuff went on but Artie could barely remember it. He was judging a bunch of strippers for the club along with Ronnie. The dancers ended up getting mad because of the way things were going. They were supposed to win some big money so they were upset about the way they were being scored. Ronnie said he pissed off one stripper because of the way he scored her.
Gary said that there was a pool at the hotel they were staying at but they weren't supposed to go swimming after midnight. They jumped the fence and ended up falling over chairs and stuff when they did that. The E! crew were down there filming it and they should have tape of that for the E! show. Gary said it wasn't that nice of a hotel to begin with and the hotel had to comp about $3,000 worth of rooms because Artie, Ronnie and a few strippers were keeping people up. A cop showed up at around 4 in the morning and asked the guys to keep quiet. Luckily he was a fan of the show and let them off easy. Howard heard that there were naked chicks at the pool and hot tub and wanted to hear more about that but Artie said that nothing happened. Howard said he'd talk to them about that stuff later if they didn't want to talk about it then.
Howard said he was bored with the stories already because they really didn't have anything good. He took some phone calls after that. One caller wished Artie a happy birthday since today was his birthday. Artie turns 37 today.
Captain Janks called in and asked Howard if he thinks Ronnie is going to keep his Scoresman923 screen name when they move to satellite. Maybe he'll change it to ScoresmanSirius or something. Howard said he's wondering if he's even going to last there for another week. He's heard rumors that they're planning to get him out of there early, before his contract is up. Howard seems to believe that would be foolish for them to do that because they'd be walking away from millions of dollars. Howard told Janks that he's not sure what's going to happen. He's going to back off of the satellite radio talk for now. Howard said he talked to his parents about the satellite radio move and they're wondering how they're going to listen to the show when he makes the move. Even he doesn't know yet but they'll figure it out.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the Presidential debate from Friday night. Howard said he's afraid that he's going to wake up the morning after the election and find out that they're going to have Bush in office for another 4 years. He and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that and the debate. Howard didn't want to spend too much time on it though so he moved on to other stuff.
Howard read a letter to the editor over the weekend where a woman was talking about what a horrible person he is and how no one will pay to hear him on satellite. Howard said they may not pay to hear him but they might pay to hear other stuff on satellite. Howard had to take a break after that.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard about the show ''Desperate Housewives'' and how great he thought it was. Robin said she thought it was horrible and Howard wasn't able to make it through more than 5 minutes of it. Erik claimed that he watched the show with a woman so Howard wondered where he buried her when he was done with her. Erik asked Howard about the EIB chair he got from Rush Limbaugh's web site. He wanted the chair for himself but Howard didn't want to give it to him. He said he's thinking about urinating on it on the air one day. The chair cost him over $700, not the $900 he originally thought, and it's a piece of crap. He talked about how Rush makes a lot of money and selling crap like that to his audience is pretty lame.
High Pitch Erik asked Artie a question about the Yankees and Howard had no idea what he was talking about because he doesn't watch sports. Howard went on to talk about all of the TV shows he was watching on Sunday while everyone else was watching sports. He watched ''Mean Girls'' with his daughter on Friday night. Then he was trying to find something to watch with Beth yesterday and there wasn't much on. He taped a bunch of the ''Late, Late Show'' stuff to see the guys who filled in for Craig Kilborn and that was awful. He tried to find and On Demand movie instead. He saw the description for ''The Prince and Me'' and thought he might want to see that. Beth likes that because most guys wouldn't watch something like that. Howard rented it and liked it while Beth hated it. Gary thought the description of that movie sounded like a rip off of ''Coming to America.'' Howard said that's exactly what it was like but it was good. He complained about Julia Stiles' head being too big but he still liked the movie.
Artie was telling Howard how much his show means to him and so many other people out. Then he hears stuff about the TV shows he watches and doesn't get it. Howard went on to tell Artie about how aroused he got while watching that movie and how Beth offered to take care of him while he was watching the movie. He couldn't miss the movie so he paused it and did Beth right there on the couch. They got into some weird positions and stuff and then his dog woke up and started licking his feet while they were having sex.
High Pitch gave Howard an F, Marry or Kill game with Teri Hatcher, Julia Stiles and Christie Brinkley. Howard said he'd have to kill Julia, F Christie Brinkley and marry Teri Hatcher. Gary said he'd have to switch the last two around but Howard said that Teri just does it for him. Howard got off the line with Erik and said that he finished up with Beth and got back to his movie. The guys said that's the best part of the story because at the end of the day Howard gets to say that he made love to one of the most beautiful women in the world. Gary and Artie told Howard about some of the things that went on during the football games over the weekend. Howard said if he knew about what was going to go on, he would have been more interested.
Howard played a clip from Saturday Night Live where Tina Fey did a story about him going to satellite. He thought that was pretty funny. He also played a clip from a news report about how Clear Channel stock went down after he made his announcement. That led to him singing his own version of ''Happy Days Are Here Again'' about the scumbags over at Clear Channel. He went to commercial right after that.
Gary said that they went back there with the E! camera and Scott continued to yell at them. They tried to interview him but Scott wanted no part of it. Fred played some more clips from that push-up challenge and got Howard laughing again. Tom said that he gave Scott a chance to let him yell and not interrupt. Once it was over, he went and asked Scott what had happened. JD was also there in the middle of it all and he almost started to laugh. Gary thought that if Scott is really worried about having a job in a year, going home sick is the last thing he should do.
Howard asked Tom if he thinks that the company wants him to stay or leave. Tom said as far as he knows, they want him to stay. Robin found a note from Joel Hollender who runs the radio division now. He wrote about Howard leaving the company and said that they wish him well. There was nothing negative in there and it didn't sound like they want him gone early. After she read it Tom said that Robin really has nice breasts. Gary said that he noticed that halfway through the read. Fred was playing a bunch of audio clips they put together using Robin's book on tape audio. They recut the clips to make it sound like Tom had sex with Robin and stuff like that.
Howard continued to talk about sitting in the back of the limo and how he had to sit on the floor because he kept hitting his head on the roof when they'd go over a bump. Then he tried to turn the TV on and found that the sound comes out of the radio but he wasn't able to reach the controls. Ronnie said that he can reach the controls and doesn't understand how Howard can't. They argued about that for a minute. Howard's parents have to try and get into that thing next weekend and he doesn't think they're going to be able to do it. Ronnie doesn't see the problem and thinks they'll be fine.
Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard have been making prank calls to people asking them what they think about Howard going to satellite radio. They called a Chinese restaurant and asked a woman about that but she had no idea what they were talking about. Gary was also yelling at Wendy because he felt she was confusing the person on the other end. He seems to think he's smarter than Wendy when she's actually much brighter than he is.
Howard read a story about this baseball player, Mariano Rivera, who owns a home down in Panama and has an electric fence surrounding his pool for some reason. His cousin and kid ended up getting electrocuted while they were trying to clean the pool for Rivera. He has family members taking care of his mansion down there while he's playing ball up here. Howard read through the article and found that the pool itself was electrified for some reason. The pool has been electrified to keep his dogs out of the pool. A 14 year old jumped in, not knowing that it was electrocuted. His 35 year old father jumped in to save the kid and died as a result. A caretaker at the home may have been the person who electrified the pool to keep the dogs out.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to correct him on the story he was reading but Howard had just finished reading the article. Howard was still wondering how the dogs know that the pool is electrified. He also said maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad thing to let the dogs go for a swim if they wanted to.
Someone asked Artie about his worst celebrity experience so he told a story about Tom Cruise treating him like crap on the set of ''Jerry Maguire'' one time. Another person asked him about what person on the show he'd kill if he had to. Artie said it would be himself but changed that to Sal the Stockbroker. Howard said that Sal didn't show up for work today because he thought that they had off for Columbus Day. He didn't bother to check with anyone though.
Howard asked Artie some of the other questions he had. Someone asked him if he's ever had his salad tossed. Artie told Howard that he sort of had that done. Howard was wondering if he has gotten worse on the show as far as stuff he does with women on the show these days. He thought he'd gotten better but Robin said he's gotten worse and does more touching these days than he did in the past.
Howard read an article about Star Jones getting into a bit of trouble with ABC because of the way she's been plugging the people who are helping her out with her wedding. She was asked by someone at Page Six if she's paid for anything in her wedding and she told them that it was none of their business. Star apparently had a whole segment planned for ''The View'' where she was going to show the stuff that was going to be in her goody bag but ABC canceled that and had to let the suppliers know that they would not be showing their products. Robin said that it looks like Star is trying to get skinny for her wedding pictures but she's one of those fat people who looks deflated when they lose weight.
Howard talked to High Pitch Erik again when he called back to talk about a report he saw about him on CNN last night. They ran a special about his career but Howard didn't see it himself. Erik asked for a prize from Howard but he refused to give him one and hung up on him.
Howard read some e-mail they got about last week's shows. A bunch of people liked the Ronnie the Limo Driver stuff they did last week about the new limo. Last week they were also talking about Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy dying the tuft of hair under his lip even though he's a mess. One guy told Howard it's known as ''an Imperial'' but Howard calls it a soul patch. Another e-mailer asked Howard if he thinks Carmen Electra's breasts are real. Howard said they are not but the e-mailer thought they were the most perfect breasts he's ever seen.
Someone wanted to hear the Rodney Dangerfield tribute song ''Dear Rodney'' they played on the show last week. Howard played the song as he went to commercial break a short time later.
Fran told Howard more about what she thinks about him going to Sirius. Howard asked her to predict if Gary will ever get divorced. She sang her song and said that he'll stay married even though he needs more freedom. Howard quickly asked her to predict who will win the Super Bowl. She didn't have a clue but she did sing about how the Yankees will win the World Series. Howard asked her if Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard will ever understand the concept of satellite radio. Fran said they may not ever understand it but they will enjoy being on the show when Howard makes the move. Howard wrapped up the call and gave her a plug for her web site SingingPsychic.com. He got off the line a few seconds later but forgot to ask her some questions.
Gary got her back on the line so they could ask her about whether or not Osama bin Laden will ever be caught. He first asked her if there will be another 9/11-type attack before the election. Fran sang that she doesn't see anything like that here in the U.S. She was then asked about Osama and she says that he's dead and in a cave somewhere and he will be found within a month or so. Fran says that he's already dead from what she can tell. Howard asked her about Christopher Reeve who she thought was going to get better eventually. She had no idea that he passed away over the weekend. Howard broke the news to her and she explained that when she saw him jumping around it must have been in heaven.
Howard asked Fran if she's had sex lately. She said that she got some last night from her ex-husband who is now her secretary. Howard wondered if he was a white guy or a black guy. He's a white guy according to Fran. Howard got off the phone with her again after those questions.
Howard got a note from Regis Philbin who told him that his move to satellite is genius. Fran Shea, who used to run E!, sent him a note congratulating him. Jimmy Kimmel did the same and said he hopes that ABC is going to renew his show. That led to Howard and Robin talking about Adam Carolla and how he was trying out for Craig Kilborn's job. Howard said the guy who is going to get the job is this guy Michael Ian Black and he knows this because he has a mole inside CBS who tells him all of this stuff. Howard heard that this guy can do an amazing impression of Craig Kilborn and that's what CBS wanted.
Howard said that Craig Kilborn was looking to get more money to stay on with his show but he was denied the raise. He kind of bluffed that he was going to leave his show and they never came through with the money so now he's gone. Howard thinks it's a bad move to have someone imitate the guy because they may as well have kept the original. He said none if it matters because no one watches at that time of night anyway. Howard talked about how Conan O'Brien is overrated and Craig was a bit underrated in his job. He thinks that Kilborn is going to end up taking care of Mariano Rivera's pool after losing his job. He also said that he'll probably get a sitcom deal and the show will last for one week before being canceled.
Howard read through some of the other congratulatory mail he got about his move to satellite. He mentioned Bob Pittman, Ron Zimmerman, Todd Grossman, Mel Karmazin, Jeremiah Bosgang, John Stamos, Tyler Goldman and AJ Benza. Robin wondered if Stuttering John had congratulated him. Howard said he doesn't expect anything from John. He doesn't stay in contact with John so he doesn't expect him to stay in touch with him.
Artie said there was a quote from this deejay Star in today's paper about Howard. He was asked what he thought of Howard's move to satellite. Star said that it's not a new medium for the guy, it's a ''grave yard for the irrelevant.'' Howard said that he's been told things like that through his whole career and they've always been wrong. He's been around a long time getting huge ratings and he's going to stay around. He says he'll be bigger than ever when he makes the move to satellite.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard about a story he read over the weekend about a doctor who used maggots on a guy's leg to save it. Howard said he read that and this guy had diabetes and gangrene in the leg. He put the maggots in the guy's leg and they were able to clean out the dead tissue. The guy now has his leg and it's a boost to science.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that if you go to stores in the area, they're all sold out of Sirius radio tuners. He said he knows a guy who builds factories over in China and he knows that they're ramping up to build more of these tuners in the future. Howard and Dominic spent a minute on that before moving on to other stuff.
Howard said that Hollywood producer/director/writer Sam Simon was out in the green room saying that ''it's in the bag'' for Kerry already but Howard doesn't understand that because the polls are still saying that Bush has a lot of supporters out there. Sam was in the studio so Howard asked him what he was talking about. Sam said that the polls keep showing Kerry rising up after each debate. Howard said it's still very close though and Bush could still win. Sam told Howard that Bush can't even keep Kerry's name right and has called him Jim Carrey and Senator Kennedy so people have to see that he's an unelectable incumbent.
Howard told Sam that there are people out there who will support Bush no matter what and they don't see him as the arrogant guy he really is. Howard didn't want to keep talking about that stuff to he told Sam that it was the end of the discussion. Sam changed subjects to Michael Powell and the FCC. Sam said that because of what the FCC has been doing, they're going to ruin radio as we know it. They were so stupid that they had no idea what they were creating. Howard and Sam talked about that stuff for a short time.
Howard told a story about Sam and how much the guy loves animals. Sam, one of the creators of ''The Simpsons,'' took his estate out in Malibu, California and turned it into a sanctuary for dogs (SamSimonFoundation.org). It's an 11 acre estate and Sam doesn't even live there. He has caretakers and veterinarians living there to take care of the animals. Howard said that Sam went there to see the dogs he's saved and one of the dogs bit his face and ripped half of it off. Sam needed 90 stitches to fix his face so now he's got a goatee to cover up the damage. Sam said that the dog is now going to a ''dog whisperer'' to try and fix him. Sam said he can't ask the guys to put him to sleep because he's trying to save the animals.
Sam said he ended up breaking his ankle in the incident so he had to crawl back to his place. He was unable to get a phone call through because they had some stuff going on over there and they had the phones turned off. Since Sam can't kill the dog off, he's got to keep the dog there at the sanctuary. He jokingly said that maybe an accident will happen to it. The people taking care of the place tell him that there is a home for every dog and there are no bad dogs.
Artie said that one of Sam's dogs attacked him one time. He said that this huge dog rushed up to him and knocked him down. Sam made fun of Artie and said that he once saw a beetle on the ground and said ''Look at that lizard!''
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard about an incident he had with a 15 year old girl. He picked her up at a bar and now the authorities have come after him because she was only 15. He had no idea that she was 15 but the sex was great. It turned out to be a joke though. Angry Black was the guy on the phone and he made up the whole story.
Howard told another quick story about Sam and how he bought a Bentley that cost him between $200,000 and $300,000. The car wasn't that great according to Sam. He said that the door handle fell off a week after he bought it. When he called the dealer they told him that is how you know you own a hand made car. Artie wanted Sam to tell him the story about going to buy floor mats for his Mercedes. He didn't get to that story because Howard asked him how much he's worth. Sam came back at Howard and said that he's doing pretty good himself. Howard said he's not rich though because if he was, he wouldn't be there.
Artie told the story about Sam and his Mercedes. He said the guy was being a jerk to Sam. Sam said he went to this place and was dressed in sweat pants and stuff so this salesman wasn't being cooperative with him. He ended up buying the car from another salesman, in the next room, just to piss off the salesman who was giving him a hard time.
Howard tried to sell Sam Ronnie's new limo that he doesn't really like. He said it's a stretch Cadillac Escalade and it's available to buy today if he wants it. Sam had a feeling that there must be something wrong with it but Howard said it's great. He had to take a break before getting to Robin's news.
There were more discussions about Howard's move to satellite radio. Howard gets to program three channels on Sirius so there were some suggestions that came up. Artie suggested a full time Retard Channel. They were playing some of Wendy the Retard's voice mail clips and Artie was doing his ''My Retard'' character.
Jeff the Drunk called in and wished Artie a happy birthday. He was also wondering if there was going to be room on his new satellite radio show for him. Robin thought he was asking for money but Jeff said he just wanted to find out of he would be able to make appearances. Jeff asked Sam if he could make a special appearance on ''The Simpsons'' but Sam doesn't have all that much to do with them these days so he can't make that call. Jeff seems to think he'd make a good cartoon character. Robin finished up her news and they ended the show around 10:40 today.
Howard said that Artie was out sick today. He thinks that after his big weekend out at the Ft. Lauderdale Scores he got worn out and got sick. Robin thought that was kind of funny and said that people shouldn't go there unless they can handle it.
Howard went on to talk about how he had a big day yesterday but he didn't think he'd be able to talk about it because things have gotten out of hand. He said he loves the company he's working for right now so he's not going to talk about his new situation because he senses that things might be out of control. No one has told him not to talk about it but he gets the feeling that some people might be getting upset. He said Les Moonves was on Letterman's show last night talking about the situation but he's not even sure it's a good idea to play that tape. Most of the phone calls Howard had waiting were also about the new situation so he didn't know what he was going to do. He was stuck because he wanted to talk about stuff but he didn't think he should and wasn't sure how to handle it.
Howard tried to take some phone calls. The first caller congratulated him on his new job so Howard ended up hanging up on him. He said he doesn't want to come on the show and do a big commercial for the new company. He was tongue tied and knew that he had to just shut up. He said he knows people are hurt and read an article where an unnamed executive was quoted as saying that he's not for the radio industry and he's only thinking of himself. Howard went on to say that the radio industry didn't support him when he was attacked by the FCC and stuff like that.
Another phone caller told Howard to just talk about it. Howard said he can't because he might be taken off the air if he continues to talk about it. Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard about the women who are on the bulletin board posting with her. She's gotten some pictures of them and they're hot. Howard said that he's seen some of them as well and they are hot. Jessica saw Letterman's show last night and Dave was very supportive of Howard's move to satellite. Howard didn't want to stay on the subject so he had to get off the phone with Jessica.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked where KC is. Howard said that he's taking care of some personal business and he's still with the show. He's got some things he's working on and told him that he's allowed to talk about it on the air but he's decided not to. He also claimed that he has addressed it many times on the air but even Robin didn't remember hearing anything about him because she wasn't aware of where he's been. Howard said it continues to be some kind of conspiracy theory but he will be back.
King of All Blacks called in and told Howard that he thinks that he just has to leave the company now and move on to his new job. Howard said that he has to stay on because he makes a lot of money for the company. He's happy to be there and he's happy to work with the people he works with. Howard had to cut him off because he was getting into the satellite stuff a little too much. Hook Nose Mike told Howard he's never heard a show where someone can't talk about stuff. Howard said he's heard plenty of shows like that and if he continues to talk about this stuff, he could be off the air by tomorrow.
Scott the Engineer came in after Howard mentioned his name. He told Howard that through his whole life he's tried to avoid confrontation but that stopped when he got on Howard's show. Scott said that he and Gary got into a disagreement over the phones not working. Howard said that they've been having fights for a long time and he's called in a relationship specialist who will try to help Gary and Scott get along better. Scott was upset that Gary came in yelling like he thought he wasn't doing any work. He was also upset that they were taping him for E! and yelled at Richie. Richie came in and said that Scott yelled at him like 10 times not to use the tape. Scott knows that he holds stuff in too long and when it finally comes out he completely freaks out.
Howard is going to have this guy Pat Croce try and straighten out the relationship between the two of them. He knows that they won't be able to work things out and they'll be back at each other's throats within a short amount of time. Gary has already spoken to this guy Pat and he won't let them off the hook without finding out what they're really thinking about. Tom said he was able to hear Scott's yelling from another room in the station and it was as if he was right there in the room with him. Howard told Scott that he's so gay for doing things the way he does.
Howard figured Scott just wanted to get out of there early because of the Columbus Day parade. Sal the Stockbroker came in and told Howard that he's tired of Gary as well and he's on Scott's side in this whole thing. Gary told Howard that Sal ripped a fart in the office so he had to tell him not to do that in the office. Howard said that's right and he should have taken it into the bathroom. Sal didn't think that Gary had to yell at him but Howard believes he did. Gary said the guys in the E! room have a no-fart rule because their room is so small.
Howard told a story about how he had to fart the other night and he didn't want to do it in front of Beth. He ran into the hallway and let it rip. He came back in a short time later but still managed to bring the smell along with him. Howard eventually told Sal to get out of the studio because he was going off on Tom a little bit saying that he'd have no problem going into his office to fart right in front of him.
Howard had some audio of Scott and Gary's fight from yesterday so he played that as he was going to break. Scott was screaming at Gary and Gary came back at him with ''Good luck finding a job in a year asshole.''
Robin read some of the reviews of Green Day's album and couldn't believe the great write ups they're getting. She said in Rolling Stone they were giving every song a great review. Howard played some more clips from the album and asked Fred about what he thinks. Fred also liked it and thought they sounded great. Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that Green Day is just The Clash-light. Howard said it just sounds like good music to him. Chaunce told Howard that he was going to pick up Rachel Perry from VH1 because he was going to do a photo shoot with her at his house. That led to Howard talking about what a scam Chaunce has going with that whole thing. He's doing something right because he's taking pictures of hot chicks in his basement. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Chaunce about the photo shoot. He said he's going to have her in a thong on his pool table for the cover of Steppin' Out which comes out next week. He is the photographer, make up artist and every other job that needs to be done for the shoot.
Howard let Chaunce go and talked about another guy who had quite a scam going. This guy Paul Fishbein who started Adult Video News started out small and became huge just reviewing porn movies. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said it was suggested that he and Ronnie the Limo Driver talk to this guy Pat Croce about the new limo problem. Howard thinks it's way too much for him and Ronnie just isn't hearing what he's saying about it.
Howard was going to do a tribute for Christopher Reeve who died over the weekend. He talked about how tough it must have been for Dana, his wife, to stick with him through all of the stuff they had to go through. Howard also talked about how much inspiration Reeve was for stem cell research. The guy never became bitter and that impressed Howard as well. Howard said there must be a lot of people who feel alone now because Reeve was out there getting notice for stem cell research and stuff like that. He said that he saw Dana's picture in the paper and she looks so hot that he'd like to give her the ''high hard one.'' Howard spent a little more time talking about Reeve and said that he will not be forgotten. They played the Superman movie theme song as Howard finished up the tribute. The Baba Booey Star Wars theme song came on next when Gary came walking in.
Michael said that there are rumors that his daughter might get taken off the set of her new movie that she's working on up in Canada. Michael said that she may be acting out because of the things that are going on with his family. Michael said that he is willing to drop everything he has against his wife and he's hoping that she will drop everything she has against him so their children don't have to suffer through this stuff anymore. He said he would like to pull everything out of court himself but he needs his estranged wife to do the same. Howard told him he hopes things will work out for him.
Michael told Howard that he's looking to sue the tabloids over the lies they've told about his family. He told Howard about some of the things he's been accused of and how they really aren't true. There were reports about him being charged with tax fraud and stuff like that but he wasn't arrested for that. He was arrested for other things but not tax fraud. Michael has to go to an anger management class because he apparently attacked a garbage man. He said that's all taken care of and he's trying to settle some other things that he's got outstanding.
Howard let a couple of phone callers through to go off on Lohan. The callers told him to just let his daughter make a living and stop talking about her. Howard asked Michael when his daughter's breasts developed but he didn't want to talk about that. He did say that she doesn't have implants though. A phone caller told Howard that he doesn't think he'd be calling a radio show to air out his family's dirty laundry if he was him. Howard said it's not just a radio show, it's The Howard Stern Show so that's why people call in to do that stuff.
Howard was going to let Michael go but he asked him if he ever had a sex talk with his daughter. He said that he and his wife sat her down and had the talk one time. Howard tried to get more information out of Michael about his daughter but he wasn't into it so Howard let him go.
Nicholas said he does just fine without having a TV show. He has plenty of money and is a millionaire but he would like to have a little more fame. Howard asked Nicholas if his mother loves that his brother gets so much notice. He said that she does love that but she loves both of them either way. Howard read a few other things about the Cowell brothers and the size of their packages. Simon is apparently bigger than Nicholas. He said he has seen his brother aroused in the past. He told Howard that he saw him nude as he was getting ready to do it with a chick. Howard wondered what he was doing in the room. Nicholas said he was there with another chick and they were making out.
Nicholas was just calling in to say hello today. He had nothing to promote, he's just looking for a little more fame. Howard let him go a short time later. Zolar called in and said he wanted to ask the guy why all of these British guys sound gay. He seemed to think it was the accent that makes them all sound gay.
The caller asked Howard who he thinks got the best looking chicks in his life. He gave three names and Howard had to pick one. He gave Adam Duritz, John Stamos and Tommy Lee. Howard said he thinks John Stamos had the best looking chicks but Robin reminded him that Tommy Lee had Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear and Kylie Bax among others. Howard changed his pick to Tommy Lee after that.
Scott and Gary came in the studio because they were going to meet this guy Pat Croce who is going to try and work things out between the two of them. Pat, who has his own show called ''Pat Croce Moving In.'' He's a self described Life Coach and he moves in with people to help them work things out. Howard had Pat talk about what their problems are. Pat said he spoke to the two of them and found that Scott does not respect Gary but Gary does respect Scott. Scott talked about that and said that he may be resentful toward Gary because he doesn't see his talent and he gets paid a lot for his job. Gary told Scott that he is a pain in the ass to work with and he's kind of slow while complaining every step of the way. Scott's work is good but it might be a little slow according to Gary. Scott and Gary went back and forth about work and how things are supposed to work. Pat was trying to get the two of them to agree to do certain things that they were talking about so they can work together.
Howard told Scott that if Gary tells Scott to do something, he is supposed to listen because he is his superior. Howard also asked Scott why he left the show early yesterday saying he was sick. Scott claims he really was sick but Howard knows that's not true. They don't need Scott leaving the show when he gets upset. They need Scott to want to work there. Scott admitted that he has a bad attitude and a lot of that has to do with money and what he gets paid there. Gary said that people think he makes a lot more money than he actually does and that shouldn't have anything to do with the way he looks at him. Gary said he's told Scott that if he wants more money, he should go to management and tell them that or leave.
Pat told Gary and Scott that they really have to change. Gary tends to walk away from Scott when they get into an argument. He said that he does that because they always end up going over the same things over and over again. They talked about Scott not being able to finish the work he's given to complete. Scott wasn't able to work overtime so he can't get everything done sometimes. Pat asked Scott if he will be able to just stop yelling when he gets frustrated. Scott said he lets stuff build up inside of him and when it comes out like that, he goes nuts. Scott is sometimes upset that they always forget about him there. They don't invite him to certain events and stuff like that. Howard wanted to ask Robin why she didn't invite him to his birthday show but she disappeared for some reason. Scott said that all of that builds up to the point when he just flips out.
Gary said it felt good to go off on Scott yesterday when he said something to Scott about not having a job in a year (when Howard leaves). Gary said he found out today that Scott really doesn't think he has the talent to do the job that he's doing. Scott claims that he's not jealous but Pat tried to find out why he resents him so much. Scott tried to explain it saying that he works just as hard as Gary but doesn't get paid as much. That could be seen as jealousy. Scott is also upset that he doesn't get public appearances like Gary does but Gary is a bit more of a public figure on the show than Scott is. Pat told Scott that he should be part of the team because this is the greatest radio show in the world. Gary asked Scott why he doesn't come to the weekly staff meetings. Scott said that he had to stop that because he was running into overtime. Scott said that he will start going to those meetings on Thursday. Pat told him that he needs to go to it with a new attitude.
Gary said that Pat asked him if he had to make the choice of whether to take Scott with them to Sirius, would he do it. Gary said he really doesn't know because he loves Scott's work but he doesn't like his attitude. If he had a better attitude, he'd take him along in a second. Gary apologized to Scott for what he said to him yesterday and Scott accepted the apology.
Tom Chiusano came in and told Gary that Scott is allowed to work overtime now and if he needs to be at those weekly meetings, he should be there. Tom said that they lifted the no-overtime rule a while back so he can go to those meetings now. Benjy opened his mouth and said that Scott gets treated like crap around there by everyone. Gary said that Scott treats them like crap as well so it's not surprising. Pat told Scott that he can get a better attitude and attack the job. Robin had come back and said that Scott seems to love working for the show, he just doesn't have a good attitude about the whole thing. Howard said that Scott has to make his job invaluable. He has told him that he really is important to him and the show but he needs to be part of the whole show. He should be friends with everyone to show that love for the show.
Howard had an audio clip of Scott yelling at an intern. That led to Scott asking what he's supposed to do when he's attacked. Gary told him that he needs to just block it out and not say anything. Gary said he would like to tell people to go F-themselves but he doesn't. He had an intern one semester who started making fun of him 2 days into the job. He could have gone off on the guy but he didn't. He let him work through the semester and shook his hand when he left. That's what Scott needs to do. Gary said that Scott knows the show so well that finding someone else to do what he does would be very hard.
Howard told Pat that he did a good job with these two but it's very tough to work with them. Pat wanted Gary and Scott to hug each other to show they'd made up. They went ahead and did it so Howard gave Pat a plug for his TV show and then went to commercial break. Check your local listings for ''Pat Croce Moving In.''
Howard said that he has trouble telling people things off the air so he holds in his true feelings and ends up getting angry at himself. He explained that to Pat and told him about the new limo that Ronnie bought. It's a stretch Cadillac Escalade and it's just too big. Ronnie came in and asked why he was getting ambushed like this. Scott and Gary got to spend 20 minutes with Pat before they had their talk. Howard didn't know this was going to happen either so it's not an ambush. Howard was invited to go see the new limo with Ronnie but he told Ronnie he trusted him and let him get what he wanted. Ronnie got the new limo and it is very big. It's difficult to get in and out of and you have to sit on the floor to get out of the thing. Beth ripped her dress getting out of it and it's tough for him to tell Ronnie that the vehicle is a mistake. He knows he's upset with that but that's what he feels.
Pat asked Ronnie what he'd think if Howard told him the truth. Ronnie said he can't just throw this thing away like an old shirt. Howard said he wants him to sell the thing and get a normal limo. Ronnie said he went to Howard a year ago and said it was time for a new limo. Howard had been complaining about getting in and out of the limo because he's getting older. He was looking for something easier to get into so that's why Ronnie went with the truck. They showed a picture of the truck in the studio and even Pat got in on the joking about how big the thing is.
Howard said that he showed up to pick up his agent yesterday and he thought it was just a loaner. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Ronnie kept saying that he told Howard about the new limo and he knew what he was getting. Howard yelled at Ronnie and said that he doesn't like the new limo and he wants it gone. He was wondering how they're going to fix the problem but Ronnie got very defensive and continued to yell. Ronnie wants Howard to meet with the coach builders next time so he gets just what he wants. Ronnie refuses to do it again because he's not going to take the blame for screwing up. Pat told Ronnie that he doesn't have to take this personally because it's really not personal. Howard and Pat were trying to find out what the real problem was. Ronnie likes the new limo and he doesn't want to get another one.
Ronnie knows that Howard doesn't like his taste with the car. He said that Howard told him yesterday that they could work things out but Howard was afraid to hurt his feelings off the air. Howard has a friend of his who would help him out with the new limo so Ronnie told him to go ahead and let him pick it out because he's not going to have anything to do with it. Howard was getting upset with Ronnie during this segment because he's given Ronnie work for the past 19 years and he's never given him any grief. Ronnie doesn't think that he's going to be able to get another GM vehicle. He said that he got a great financing rate with this vehicle and he won't be able to get that kind of deal again. Howard told him he'll be able to get some kind of deal. Ronnie said he got zero percent financing with this vehicle and if he gets a different brand, it's going to have about a 9 percent financing rate.
Howard told Ronnie that he might be able to make a bundle of cash on this vehicle because now it's famous. Ronnie doesn't think that's the case and he won't be able to make money on the deal. Ronnie was also upset with Pat because he was kind of joking around. Pat told him he wasn't joking around, he was just trying to tell him that Howard is the boss and he should be listening to him. Howard knows that this is his fault but Ronnie is taking it as a personal attack. Ronnie said that attack on Friday ruined his whole weekend. Howard wanted to know why he wasn't understanding this whole thing and wondered if Ronnie is just dumb. Gary came in and reminded Howard that he said last week that he was going to have to pay for the mistake and he's willing to pay extra for a different limo. Ronnie continued to go off on Howard because he was doing all of this on the air instead of off the air.
Ronnie kept saying he wants nothing to do with picking out the new limo. He told Howard that he will set up something with his friend and the coach builder but he's not going to have anything to do with it. Howard was feeling so bad that he said he'd probably just stay with that new vehicle. Pat wanted to know what will make Ronnie happy because they know that Howard would be happy with the new limo. Ronnie said whatever makes Howard happy will make him happy. He will get a new limo but he doesn't want anything to do with designing the new one. That's what will make him happy. Howard wrapped up the segment and asked Gary what he thought of the whole thing. Gary didn't think it went well because Ronnie is taking it so personally. They can't figure that out. Benjy was also wondering why Ronnie doesn't have the right to say no to Howard about changing the limo. Howard said that he's Ronnie's only customer so he should have a say in what the limo looks like.
Ronnie said he's afraid that anything he designs from now on will not be acceptable to Howard. They started to get back into their arguing and Ronnie was still hurt over the whole thing. Howard asked Ronnie to look into getting a new car. He wants him to see that it's nothing personal, he just doesn't like the new car. Pat told Ronnie that he should just tell Howard that he's going to do what he wants and to get over it. Howard's buddy Ralph called in and said that it seems like Howard likes something a little bit subdued and not so big. He hasn't seen it himself so he doesn't know exactly what it looks like. Ralph also said that Howard was willing to help him out financially with it but he's still really upset about the whole thing. Howard is willing to wait for the new limo and he doesn't want to go out and get a new limo service in the mean time.
Ronnie had run out of the studio when Ralph called in so Howard said the whole thing is like ''My Mother The Car'' and the car is someone who is related to him or something. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that telling Ronnie that he has a friend who can design the limo for him was a personal insult as well. Howard said that Ronnie has done a great job in the past with the cars and it's just this one that didn't work out. He just happens to have a friend who drives a limo who could help out. Ronnie said that he's willing to bring a guy in to design the car but he needs Howard to approve the stuff. He still wasn't getting the fact that Howard thought he did a good job with this limo, he just didn't like it for himself. Vinnie told Ronnie that he has to work with Howard and collaborate with him because he is a creative guy. Howard had to go to break after 50 minutes of arguing with Ronnie. Nothing was resolved after all of that time.
Mitch has had some problems with drugs in the past. He's cool now but it sounded like he didn't want to talk about that stuff because his mother listens to the show. Mitch told Howard he's been doing comedy for about 15 years and he loves it. He even married a comic who works with him on the road. Howard figured that must be kind of tough working on the road with your wife. They own an RV that they drive from city to city. They had to leave it over in New Jersey today because he wasn't sure they'd be able to bring it into the city.
Mitch said he's making some good money doing stand up comedy and he'd like to get an HBO special or something like that. Howard told him he thinks he'd be able to get something like that. He said he knows some people over there and he'd see what he could do for him. Mitch told Howard that he isn't much of a story teller so he hopes that he doesn't mind if he just sits there during the news. He said he'd have some comments about the news so Howard was fine with that.
Howard heard that Mitch lost one of his legs but Mitch said he didn't lose it, he just has a limp. They were going to cut it off but he got a second opinion. He had gotten arrested for drug possession and when he went to jail he had a wound that he hadn't taken care of that got infected. They didn't end up taking the leg though. Howard had Robin start her news after giving Mitch a couple of plugs for some upcoming gigs he has. He's also got a CD out called ''Mitch All Together.'' You can find out more about that stuff at MitchHedberg.net.
Wendy the Retard called in during the news and told Howard about judging a bikini contest the other night. Robin had no idea what she was talking about though. Howard had some fun with her and asked her if she was raped by comedian Mitch Hedberg. She responded with ''yes'' to every question Howard asked her about the rape and other goofy things.
A phone caller told Howard that it might be a little early to be commenting on Dana Reeve as he had done earlier in the show. Howard said that a lot of people are thinking about that kind of thing but they're not voicing it. He is just saying what's on people's minds. Howard wondered how long the guy thinks they should wait to talk about how long Dana should wait before she starts dating. The caller didn't really have an answer for him. Howard had Robin get back to her news. They wrapped up the show around 10:50.
Howard started off the show saying that Gary had just told him some interesting stuff about Kerry and Bush. He didn't know all that much about it so he couldn't explain it himself. He had Gary tell the story even though he knows it won't make a difference. Gary went on to tell a story about this movie ''Going Up River'' which is about Kerry and what he did when he went to war and came back. He explained how, back then, Nixon worked up a plan to take Kerry down and they had a guy who was going to do the job. Thirty years later that same guy is the same guy who put out the swift boat ads. Gary and Howard talked about how the people trying to bring Kerry down weren't even there to see what actually happened.
Gary talked about how Kerry and his buddies ended up giving back their medals but it wasn't an easy decision for them to make. They cried as they gave them back. Howard said that everyone talks about honoring our soldiers but they're dishonoring Kerry for some reason that doesn't make any sense.
Ronnie and Howard had a discussion yesterday after the show. Ronnie asked him if he wanted to try and get this new limo fixed to Howard's standards. Howard doesn't want him to put more money into this one so he told him if it's going to take more money, don't do it. If the fix doesn't work then Howard is going to want a new car. Howard won't know if he wants the new car until this one is worked on. Robin suggested they put in an inflatable chute for him to jump out onto. Jason came in and told Howard that no one was calling in to help out with the seatbelts. He also told Howard that it was really funny watching him climbing into the limo yesterday because it's so high. He almost needs someone to help push him into the thing. The guys suggested that Howard get a Sherpa to help him climb up that high. Artie said that this whole situation is classic. Howard said getting into the giant limo is one thing, getting out is another.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered if he could rent the limo for his senior prom. He wondered if it can hold 32 people. Howard told him that it probably could. Howard wanted Ronnie to come in and describe the problem with the seatbelts but he wasn't coming in. A guy from a car dealer said that he could fix the belts but he was in Rockland County and it was a little too far for them to drive the stretch Escalade. Sal the Stockbroker came in and said they weren't able to find Ronnie this morning. He wondered if he might be stuck in the back seat of the limo. Howard said that it's a beautiful car but the seats just need to be repaired. They're now talking about putting in some hydraulically actuated stairs like they have in buses.
Artie wondered if she's hot but Howard didn't want to say because she's just a kid. He's never seen anything like this before. He talked about some of the other wacky things that go on in the show. Hulk goes to every event that his daughter performs at and it's just a lot for the kid. Howard said they should buy his limo because they'd get noticed in it. Howard thinks that Hulk should just let his daughter do things the way she wants to.
Gary came in and told Howard that Ronnie the Limo Driver left this morning saying that he had some things to do. Howard asked him to go catch him so they can talk to him about that. He's acting kind of strange over this whole limo thing. Howard said that David Spade told him he's had women who haven't even acted that strange that he's gotten rid of. Howard thinks that Ronnie is embarrassing himself by doing this stuff. He's acting very girlie.
Gary came back in and said that Ronnie is still out in the lobby but he won't come on the air saying that he doesn't want to deal with this stuff. He had one of his drivers coming in to take his place there today. Howard said Ronnie is being a girl about the whole thing. He wanted Gary to tell him to come in right now. Gary said he already did that and he wouldn't come in. Howard changed Ronnie's name to Rhonda since he was being such a girl about it. Gary said Ronnie is usually up to this kind of stuff. Once again Howard told Gary to get Ronnie to come in there right now. It was very awkward for Howard.
Ronnie came in a couple of minutes later. He said that he didn't want to hear anything because he was being tormented about the car. He was being driven nuts and he was going to go get the car fixed today. He walked out of the studio and said he was leaving. Gary said that Issac from E! was following him with the camera and Ronnie was acting just like Scott the Engineer, almost as if he was following a script. Howard just wants his seatbelt fixed. He doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Gary said that Ronnie gets upset just hearing the word ''car.''
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to complain about Christopher Reeve. He said that when he was able to walk he would tell kids to get lost when they went up to him for autographs. He would yell at their parents to get them away from him. The caller also claims that Reeve would also beat his horses and he got what he deserved. The caller wondered how much Reeve donated to stem cell research before he was injured. Howard said the guy didn't have any reason to before he was injured but he did push for the research. The caller was also wondering if Howard was going to move to a cable channel like HBO or Showtime when he makes the move to satellite. Howard didn't want to go there today. He was saying that there are a lot of hurt people in the industry about the comments he's made so he said that it's not going to be the end of FM and AM radio. He had to go to commercial after that.
Howard said that Mariano Rivera, the baseball player who had people get electrocuted in his pool down in Panama, pitched last night and won the game for the Yankees. Artie talked about the game a little bit and then Howard gave the details about the electrocution at his home pool down in Panama. They were trying to keep some dogs from peeing in the pool so they put an electric rod near the pool to keep them away from the pool. A kid related to Rivera accidentally knocked the electrical wire into the pool and when his father saw it happening, he tried to get him out but was also electrocuted. The ground keeper tried to help and got electrocuted but not killed. Howard was wondering why they wouldn't just train the dogs not to go in the pool instead of trying to electrocute them.
Howard changed subjects and talked about some news stories he read this morning. There are reports that there's another Paris Hilton sex tape out there which would make it the third. There are lesbian scenes and a scene with her doing two guys according to the report Howard read.
Howard read that FOX television is going to be fined $1.2 million by the FCC because of a program they ran where a guy licked whipped cream off a woman. Howard likes that the very conservative Rupert Murdoch is getting fined. He's a big Bush supporter but now he's going to see what's going on with the industry now. Howard said he wanted to have meetings with broadcasters years ago when he started getting fined and no one would help him out. He said he loves that everyone is going to start getting fined now because these are the same people who didn't help him out.
Howard pointed out that Lindsay Lohan was on Ryan Seacrest's show yesterday and let the S-word fly with no censoring. They don't have any delay on his show so now he wants his fans to file complaints. Howard thinks that he should be fined along with everyone else who gets fined. Robin said that she called the FCC yesterday to complain about something that Sinclair media is making all of their TV stations run about John Kerry. Robin said that a company like that is not supposed to be able to air stuff like that when they own stations in many markets. They're trying to sway opinions as a media empire and they're not supposed to be able to do that. Howard said that FOX news does the same thing but Robin said at least they present it as news and they're telling you that it's their opinion.
Howard is happy that he's not the only one getting fined now and these big companies are going to feel the pressure. He talked about how he wants to get Clear Channel fined for the Ryan Seacrest show because they claim to have a Zero Tolerance policy but it doesn't seem to be in effect.
A phone caller brought up last night's E! show which featured porn star Jesse Jane getting tickled in the tickle chair. She claimed that she's only been with 11 guys in her life and the caller wasn't sure he believed that. Howard said he believed her because she's only like 20 years old and she has only done 4 guys in her personal life and 7 guys in porn. The caller also asked Howard about ''Son of the Beach'' and when the second set of DVDs were coming out. Howard didn't know because he wasn't even in on the first set. No one told him about that. Howard said he put in a lot of work on that show and didn't even make money on the deal. Howard said that Tim Stack and the other guys who wrote the show did a great job on it. He's not even sure they're making any money on the deal. It was a long story and he didn't want to get into it. He remembered the fun he had working on the show before going to commercial.
Howard had an audio clip of Lyndon Baines Johnson talking to a tailor about modifying his pants years ago. He said that the crotch ''where your nuts hang'' is a little too tight so he needed them to be let out. He also said something about his ''bung hole'' while describing what he needed done to his pants. He let out a belch at one point too. Howard thought it was funny to hear a President using the term ''bung hole'' and talking about his nuts.
Howard asked Gary what happened with Christie Brinkley yesterday. She never showed up yesterday for some reason. Gary came in and Fred played some Baba Booey song parody stuff before he got to say a word. He then told Howard that he held the date for Christie but they didn't call and tell them that it was a scheduling conflict. The publicist also told Gary that Christie didn't want to come into the city early to do the show either. Gary said they called him to do the show, he didn't call them so he didn't understand that. Howard figured someone must have gotten to her and told her not to do the show or something. Gary said they'd chalk this one up to miscommunication. Gary never really got a confirmation so he was taking blame for it. She didn't reschedule though so it appears that she just blew the show off. Howard doesn't mind, he said he would have enjoyed talking to her but it's not that big of a deal that she didn't show. Some people get cold feet with his show so he's not surprised by this whole thing.
Howard has seen this picture of President Bush at the first debate where some people thought it looked like he had an ear piece as if he was being told what to say. Howard thought that it was just body armor after seeing the picture though. He could tell that it was a bullet proof vest from the picture but Bush won't admit he was wearing one.
A caller told Howard that Christie Brinkley called WPLJ yesterday instead of going on Howard's show. Howard said she didn't call them and said that they probably just had a woman call in and impersonate her because the whole industry is jealous of him.
During the game a listener called in and told Howard about a prank call he made to a radio show. He made a few obscenities on the show and turned himself in to the FCC. He called them to find out why they won't fine that show like they do to Howard Stern and he got hung up on. Howard wanted him to send the tape to him so he can hear that. The caller ended up asking for a prize but Howard has a new rule about asking for prizes. He did agree to let him play along with Sal's game. If he got 2 right, he'd win the prize. He got 2 right and Sal asked Howard some other questions after that. Here are those questions:
Howard has seen some wild stuff on his bulletin board. There is one thread where people are discussing Steven Hawking's theories. Robin said she saw the thread but avoided it because she knew she wouldn't understand any of it. Howard was impressed with the things they were discussing in there. There was also a note on the board from ''Artie's Stomach'' who says he's being sent to Iraq in November. He's supposed to be in service for 525 days and he was wondering if there's anything he can do. Howard said ''Vote for Kerry'' of course.
Howard read through a bunch of other things on the board and found one from a woman who says she wants to date Artie. She had some pictures up that Howard showed to Artie. Artie said he can't date anyone because he's in love with Dana. Howard mentioned another thing from the bulletin board. There's a guy who calls himself Cookie Pussy and has a picture of Fred as his avatar. Howard liked that.
The guys discussed the $1.2 million FCC fine that's coming out for FOX. He said that they should keep that up until everyone is fined and TV is safe for everyone to watch. Howard then read a letter that one of their sponsors got from a group that claimed Howard was saying that guys should kidnap and beat a woman they find on the street. They also said that Howard was talking about the Miss Teen USA pageant and how it was kiddie porn. They don't complain about the pageant itself, they complain about Howard talking about it. There were a bunch of other things in the letter where they're trying to get sponsors to not advertise on his show. ''It's too weird'' Howard said.
There's an animation on Howard's web site of High Pitch Erik doing a porn movie remake. Howard wanted to give a shout out to the guy who did the animation, Kevin Loughton.
A caller told Howard that Einstein never bothered to learn trivial stuff like Sal was asking him about earlier. He didn't want to over ride the information he had in his head with that stuff. Howard took some more phone calls after that. One woman said she's a pretty new listener. She had a bit of an accent so Howard had some fun with that for a couple of minutes. They thought it sounded like the NAMBLA guy so they played clips of that guy talking about boy loving. The woman on the phone just wanted to know where Robin was from. The woman was from Jamaica so Howard had a feeling she had more than one job. She said that she has three. He also asked her if she thinks she's better than American blacks. She says that she doesn't think that anyone is better than anyone else. She said that she's married to an American black guy and she's trying to get divorced. It's turning out to be a complete nightmare but she still refused to say if she thinks she's better than American blacks. Howard kept asking her about the same thing but she wouldn't say anything negative about that stuff. Howard gave her a $500 prize for the phone call and let her go. Howard remembered seeing Jamaican's and American blacks fighting when he was a kid. The Jamaican's thought that they were better than the American's.
A caller told Howard that his company advertises on his show and they had a Clear Channel rep come into their store the other day and they kicked his ass out. They won't advertise with them because of the way they treated Howard. The guy said he didn't listen to Howard before he worked for this company but now he can't get enough of him.
Someone asked Howard what kind of shoes he was wearing in the E! show where he got a lap dance from Teri Hatcher. Howard said they're just his black Caterpillar construction boots, nothing special. Another person wrote in about what a dick Michael Lohan is and how Howard shouldn't have him on the show.
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach is wondering when he's going to be on the show again. He claims people have been asking him when he's going to be back on again because he was the funniest thing they'd seen on the show years ago. Howard didn't have an answer for him. Howard whipped through a few more e-mails and then took some phone calls.
A phone caller asked Howard what he thinks about the Yankees taking shirts off the market that said ''Hey Boston, Who's Your Daddy?'' because some Boston fans got upset. Artie seems to think that they may have taken them off because of licensing reasons, not because fans got upset. Jason came in and said that Major League Baseball doesn't want teams to put stuff out like that because it disparages other teams. Artie sees it as them just goofing on a comment that Pedro Martinez made about the Yankees being his daddy.
Howard had to take a break because he had to get to the news so he could get out of there early. Howard said that comedian Rick Shapiro was coming in to hang out during the news. Howard said Mitch Hedberg was really good yesterday and Artie said he was sorry he missed that yesterday but he was out sick with something nasty. He had a 103 fever. He also told Howard about how Dana surprised him the other day with candles in his apartment. When he got there he had to follow the candles and notes that were in the apartment. She had a big cake for him at his door and when he opened it, Dana was standing there wearing negligee. Fred was playing with the High Pitch Erik audio clips as he was describing this stuff. Artie then said that Dana was wearing some sexy boots with the negligee and they had sex after that. They were just laying there after that. He got up because he was nauseous after that. He got violently ill after that and threw up in the bathroom. He just got hit for some reason with this nasty illness.
Howard thought that was kind of a lame gift because it was something that he gets all the time. Artie said that Dana bought him a bunch of gifts as well though so it wasn't just sex. Howard said that Dana should have brought another woman into bed with him instead. Artie went on to talk about how Dana left her outfit on as she was taking care of him, taking his temperature and giving him soup and stuff. He said it looked like he'd hired a whore to take care of him or something. Artie said he had to have his manager contact Gary because he didn't have a number to call to contact him.
Mike the Limo Driver came in so Howard was wondering where Ronnie was. Mike didn't want to talk about what was going on so he kept his mouth shut. Howard went to break since Mike wasn't talking.
Comedian Rick Shapiro came in to hang out during the news. Howard said the guy used to be a male prostitute years ago when he was on a lot of drugs. Rick told Howard he was on heroin back then and didn't remember how he got into that stuff. He claims that he never had sex with guys when he was a male prostitute. Howard wondered how he gets into something like that if he's a straight guy. Rick was dishwashing at some place and he was trying to take acting lessons. He didn't have any money so he stopped in at this restaurant Rounds because he liked what they had on the menu. He was getting ready to leave and asked for the check. The waiter told him that the bill was paid for and asked for his hand. He then noticed that there were no girls in the restaurant. The guy brought him over to two queens and they offered to buy him a drink. He got drunk and they asked him if he wanted to go back to their place with them. He left after that but tried to get free meals by doing stuff like that after. He would have guys follow him around buying him dinners and stuff.
Rick said that he was doing stuff like that for pretty small amounts of money. He's not proud of that stuff especially now that he's talking about it on Howard's show. Rick says that he had a set up with a service that would hook him up with women who were wearing blindfolds. He said he would have sex with these girls. He said one time this woman pulled off the blindfold and a midget came out from behind a wall and told them to put it back on. Rick kept saying the S-word during the interview so the delay kept getting hit.
Rick claims that he worked for a Jewish Mafia when he was into all of this stuff. Howard wondered what he had to do for them. Rick said there was drug dealing going on and they were in with the Columbians and helped smuggle drugs. He said he was an idiot because he would just put it in his pillow. Howard thought they were pretty fascinating stories. They wondered when he last did a guy. Artie said it was probably when he last did heroin which was between 18 and 20 years ago according to Rick. Rick said he used to fake crying with dudes to get stuff out of them.
Gary came in and asked Rick about this girl who died when she was doing drugs with him. Rick said he was supposed to dump her in a river but he wasn't able to do it. Howard wanted to get more info out of him but he couldn't name names. He said that this woman overdosed on drugs and died. He's not even sure what happened to her body after she passed away. Robin thought it was funny he got into comedy after having all of that stuff happen to him. Howard thought it would be quite a pre-interview if he ever went on The Tonight Show.
Rick said his mother doesn't believe any of this stuff so Howard told him how his mother doesn't even believe that he ever smoked pot. Artie said his mother bailed him out of jail once and won't even admit that he was ever in jail. Rick says that he is only with women now and he's ravenous with them. He told a couple of funny stories about being interviewed for jobs where he thought about telling them about his many experiences but thought better of it. A caller told Rick that his stories are funny and they should create a sitcom around them.
Howard wanted to get into the news after that but Robin was wondering how he got off the drugs after going through all of that stuff. Rick said that he used to walk around talking to himself on the street and ended up going away to some mental institutions. There was a lot of delay hits going on as Howard started the news. They tried to play one of Richard Christy's song parodies about Robin's breasts but the delay was hit at least 3 times during that bit. You can find out more about Rick at PoCreations.com
At one point during Robin's news Howard came back from break and said that he was really aggravated because he had to go somewhere and his limo was gone. He had meetings to get to and other stuff to do and Ronnie took the limo out of there to get it fixed without discussing it with him. Howard was getting very upset about what was going on but Mike the Limo Driver came in and told him that they would have a car for him soon. They managed to calm Howard down when they said that everything was taken care of and a car would be there for him when he was ready to go. They ended the show around 10:20 this morning.
Howard was playing with some High Pitch Erik audio clips as he started off the show. He took a phone call right after that but the guy's phone was cutting out. He wanted to talk about the Bruce Springsteen concert he went to the night before. Howard said Gary went to the concert as well. He sounded kind of bummed out because he can't go to stuff like that because he has to get to bed at a decent time. Gary came in and told Howard about it and said he doesn't get the chance to go out all that much. Artie was going to go as well but he had to stay home because it was a Wednesday night. No one gets why they hold concerts on a Wednesday night. There are kids who have to go to school the next morning and people have to go to work. Gary and Artie talked about their friend Ross and how he went to that concert and to the Yankees game the night before. Gary talked about Ross going down to Scores in Ft. Lauderdale last weekend and ended up going to another hotel that was about $300 a night instead of the place they were staying at. He has to stay in the nicest place he can according to Gary.
The caller Howard had on the line was doing bong hits so they had him take the biggest hit he could. After that the guy said that his dog spilled his bong on his computer and now he can't get on the web. He was looking to play the Sulu Dance game where you sing along to the song parody. He was looking for some kind of prize so Howard said they could give him a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers if he wins. He took another hit from his bong before the song. The guy screwed up within seconds of trying to sing along. He missed some of the lines so Howard gave him a second chance. He screwed it up the second time as well. Howard gave him a third chance but he screwed it up again. Howard gave him the watch anyway. By this time they were calling this guy Bong Hit Bill. Artie said there's a pot dealer that will be getting a call later today asking ''Will you take a watch to pay for that?''
A caller told Howard that there's a deejay who once called Howard the ''Edison of radio.'' Howard knows the guy and said he hung out with him one time and saw him do his radio show live. The guy is stuck working at Clear Channel. The caller told Howard that the guy, Phil Hendry, defended Howard as much as he could after Clear Channel dumped him. Howard had to cut the guy off because he was going on and on too much. It turns out Howard's agent represents the guy so that's how he met him. He said that he was a really nice guy. While he was talking about that Robin noticed that his voice was very deep this morning. He started to do some announcer voice impressions and then went to commercial break.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about last night's Presidential debate and how odd Bush looks when he gets uncomfortable and gets that dopey smile on his face. He said he just doesn't come off well during a debate. He was saying that Kerry seems to come off a little too nice sometimes.
Howard talked about how some people are upset about the rumors that Paris Hilton may have used the N-word to describe a couple of black men in a video tape that's out. He read an article about the tape and what allegedly happened that night. Paris' friends talk about how they're kind of tired of the stuff she does these days.
Sal the Stockbroker told Howard about the Puerto Rican chick, Zenaida, that was on the E! show last night. She had come in to tell Howard about how she wanted to become a star but cried during the segment. Artie did an impression of her so Howard told Fred he needs to have clips of her ready to play. He had one a short time later where she was talking about being ''real'' and thanking Howard for helping to make her a star. Howard told Gary to go back and pull some more clips for them to play.
Artie brought up last night's Yankee game and said that Pedro Martinez choked again last night so if he ever sees him on the street he's going to say ''Hi Daddy'' in his best High Pitch Erik voice. They talked about that for a few seconds but Howard had a lot of other stuff to get to. He had tape of Jennifer Lopez on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' to play. He also brought up Bill O'Reilly's latest trouble where he's getting sued for sexual harassment. Howard said that he wants to give the guy the benefit of the doubt but the guy kind of creeps him out. He said that he knows there are a lot of creepy guys out there who like to harass women trying to wear them down but it's really not cool. He found an article about O'Reilly's case and why the woman is suing him. She claims that O'Reilly talked to her about using a vibrator on at least one occasion. The article said that she left her job with O'Reilly for a while but went back to the place later. O'Reilly allegedly offered to go to a hotel with her and a friend so they could have the time of their lives. He also allegedly tried to have phone sex with her and she believes that he was pleasuring himself while talking to her one time. Howard and Artie said they believe that this stuff could be true because O'Reilly does come across as a guy who could do stuff like that. The article went on and on about the things that O'Reilly is being accused of.
During that discussion Fred played some clips of a re-edited Vinnie Favale love tape where they made it sound like he was talking more about his balls than he actually was. They listened to a few other clips and got creeped out by him for a short time. Howard got back to the Bill O'Reilly stuff and read through some of the other creepy stuff that he allegedly did. Fred played a clip of O'Reilly reading a letter from someone calling himself ''Jack Meyhoffer'' which was obviously a phony name. Artie thought that was hilarious and pretended to read another letter from ''Mike Hunt'' and Howard threw in another from ''Phil Latio'' before going to break.
Howard brought up the ''Inside Out:Hulk Hogan:Stage Dad'' special the other day and talked about how he's trying to make his daughter Brooke famous. He managed to get his hands on the single ''Everything to Me'' that Hulk didn't want released. He played it and talked about how she changed her name to Hogan from her real last name just like her father did. The way Hogan treats his daughter's career is kind of strange from the way Howard described it. He's way too into making her a star.
Howard said that the Republican's are saying that John Edwards has been jumping on the Christopher Reeve death and taking advantage of that to get some notice. Howard pointed out that Bush was all over Nancy Reagan when Ronald Reagan died. Howard read a quote from John Edwards that was misinterpreted by the Republicans. He was talking about stem cell research and said that they hope to eventually get people in wheelchairs to walk again. He was misquoted by the republicans as saying that he could get Reeve to walk again.
Howard played a quick clip of a woman being interviewed on a news program where she was talking about someone getting CPR but called it UPS instead.
Howard and Ronnie sat down to talk about this new limo. Ronnie said that he is willing to get him a new car but it's going to be tough. Howard found a limo he likes and how much it will cost. It will be about $32,000 less than the vehicle he bought. Howard is willing to help out with the new car so Ronnie can keep the other one and use it for other stuff. Howard claims that he went out and looked at some limos and found some stuff he likes. He also told Ronnie that he's going to go to a limo show down in Atlantic City to see some others. Ronnie didn't believe him because he hasn't had time to go look at new cars. Howard told him that he is still trying to think everything through so the new limo might be staying. Ronnie said he just can't win because they already discussed this off the air. He told Howard that they can make some changes and see how he likes them. Howard doesn't want him to have more expenses though so he told him to hold off. Ronnie said the company is going to do it free of charge so there wouldn't be any more cost.
Ronnie was laughing as he was trying to find out where Howard went to look at new limos. Howard first told him it was none of his business but then said that someone brought some limos to his apartment to look at them. Ronnie was getting upset again because Howard was saying stuff on the air that he doesn't say off the air. Howard told him he's going to live with the current situation and make up his mind later. He said he's leaning toward a new car at this point and asked Ronnie if he wants to be involved in the deal. Ronnie doesn't want anything to do with it because he doesn't think he can make Howard happy no matter what. Howard played tape of Ronnie yelling at Issac from E! about filming him the other day when he was upset about the whole limo thing. Ronnie said that no one has even said hello to him today because they think he's insane or something. Howard played Richard Christy's comedy bit ''When Ronnie Met Escalade'' which is about how in love he is with the limo. They played ''Uptight Jew'' which was Richard's song parody about the limo. Artie laughs every time he hears the song. He likes the line ''The Limo can be seen from the moon.'' They had another song to the tune of a Beach Boy's song called ''Ronnie's Obnoxious Limousine.''
Howard said his agent freaked out when he saw the limo. His ex-wife and youngest daughter liked it. Ronnie doesn't think that he's acting crazy and tried to explain why he asked Issac to turn off the camera. Howard said he is acting crazy and he needs to just calm down while he's trying to figure out what to do with the new limo. He said he feels like Ronnie is in love with this limo like it's his baby. He wants to make it possible to get a new limo and not burden anyone financially. Robin and Howard keep telling Ronnie that he did a good job picking out the limo but it just wasn't Howard's style. Ronnie is still taking it very personally and continues to argue with them about the whole thing. Howard wanted to put Ronnie in a dress and call him Rhonda after the way he was crying and storming out like a woman on the show.
Howard talked to Ronnie about walking out of the show yesterday without asking him if he needed him. Ronnie said he had that covered but Howard still wanted him to ask him before he just left. He said that he should have consulted with him about something like that because he had places to go and needed his limo there to take him around. Ronnie said that he just did what Howard wanted and got the seat belts fixed. Howard was going to play the voice mail that David Spade left about the whole limo thing but he had to call into his voice mail to do it. He wasn't sure if there were curse words in the message so he had to take a break and listen to it first. He told Ronnie not to run out of the show anymore without asking him. The guys wanted Ronnie to put on a dress since he's been acting like a girl lately but he refused to do it. They had a school girl outfit for him to wear but he refused to put it on. Ronnie was ready to walk out of the studio again because Howard was tormenting him so much.
A former intern by the name of Josh called in and said that Ronnie used to be a pretty level headed guy years ago but it sounds like he's gone off the deep end. Howard said that he thinks Ronnie needs to go to anger therapy because he really is an angry guy. Gary came in and said that Will, who is a producer on the show now, was told by Ronnie that he's an intern and he'll always be an intern to him. Gary said he was kind of scared to be near him yesterday because he was acting kind of crazy. Issac came in and said that Ronnie really acts like a schizo around the station and it's scary. He will go off on you one second and then smile and ask you how you're doing the next. Ronnie said that he doesn't get along with Issac. That led to him going off on JD whose balls he also breaks there while he's sitting in the hallway. Artie said that Ronnie busts JD and Issac's balls every day. Today no one is talking to him and Howard likes it that way. He told him he shouldn't talk to anyone and he should blend into the woodwork there so there's no controversy.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that he warned him about this a couple of years ago. He said that he knew that Ronnie was heading in this direction and he's having some kind of breakdown. Howard tried to explain to Ronnie, once again, that he has not made a decision about what he wants to do with the new limo yet. He's looking into everything and he will make up his mind later. He's leaning toward getting a new car but he hasn't picked one out yet. Gary said that he can't believe that they're on day three of this stuff. Ronnie said that he can't believe it either but he's not in the car with him when he's driving Howard around and they talk about this stuff.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he's never heard something like this go on with the show and get funnier and funnier as it goes on. He said that Ronnie has to have something else that he's upset about because it's just a car. If Howard doesn't like it, he should just get him a new one. It's an easy decision. Howard explained how he gets in and out of this stretch Escalade and how tough it is. Howard wanted to take everyone down there to see how they can get in and out of this giant truck. Howard said when he gets out he has to scoot on the floor like a dog dragging his ass. They're thinking of having Cabbie, Beetlejuice and a woman in a short skirt try to get in and out of the vehicle. Howard wanted the guys to lay off of Ronnie because he takes it so personally. Ronnie claims that he's not taking it personally. A few seconds later Ronnie was yelling at Howard about looking at new limos yesterday. He figured that some guy just showed up and showed him some new limos. He figured it was a dealer trying to get Howard to buy from them so they can brag about Howard Stern riding in their limo. Gary didn't get why that would be a big deal though. Who cares where he gets the car as long as he's happy with it. Howard finally went to break after Tom Chiusano came in and ruined the fun.
Howard brought up the Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment thing again because he read that there may be tape recordings of the conversations O'Reilly had with this woman who is suing him. He played an audio clip of O'Reilly talking about the lawsuit and his counter suit against the woman who is suing him. Howard wondered how many ''Factor'' door mats he'd have to sell to pay that $60 million lawsuit.
Howard replayed the audio clip he played on yesterday's show of Lyndon Baines Johnson talking to a guy about fixing his pants so his ''nuts'' and ''bung hole'' would have some room to breathe. Howard thought the guy gave just a few too many details in that phone call.
Howard took a call from a woman who offered to send them a dress for Ronnie the Limo Driver to wear. Ronnie refused to put one on though so that wasn't going to happen. Another caller asked Howard what he thinks about the fact that there are 18 year olds out there who can vote but can't drink alcohol. Howard said that it seems that teens don't seem to have any trouble getting alcohol so it's not that big of a deal. He also said that anyone who has to fight over in Iraq should be allowed to shoot heroin. That led to Howard talking about how he gets really conservative when he's around his kids but he gets on the air and rips everyone a new a-hole. He said he knows what you're supposed to do but he just doesn't do it. Howard said that he will lie to his kids about his drug use in the past. He said he leveled with them a little bit but never really came clean with everything he did. Robin said that Howard thought that he was going to be able to change after his first child was born but that never happened. He knows that he's a screw up and admits it.
A caller from Hartford, Connecticut told Howard that WCCC edited out the LBJ phone call for some reason. Howard was surprised because they've been pretty good about that stuff in the past. Howard doesn't even know what anyone is hearing anymore because they have so many guys hitting the button on his show these days. The guy mentioned Sirius satellite but Howard has a new rule about talking about that stuff so he cut the guy off and hung up on him.
Gary came in and told Howard that WCCC didn't hit the delay because they don't even have a delay up there. Howard figures the guy was just trying to rile him up for some reason. Howard had to take another break before bringing in the guys from Extreme Kidnapping.
This company Extreme Kidnapping will kidnap you and have women do stuff to you like tickling, whipping and foot worship if you want that kind of thing. Howard wondered where the guy was because he was taking a while to get in there. It turns out that he has Muscular Dystrophy, he didn't just have back pain like Gary told him. Gary hadn't seen the guy yet so he didn't know what was going on. Howard thought the guy looked wasted. He said that he didn't get in until one in the morning so he was up all night. Howard thought it was funny that the guys didn't know that this guy had more problems other than a hurt back. Will came in and said that he thought he had something going on but he wasn't sure what it was.
Vinnie Favale called in to explain the lyrics in his song since Howard didn't understand them. Howard ended up saying that Vinnie's song sounds like something from that retard album ''The Kids of Widney High.'' Vinnie told Howard that he's 45 years old and you can download his ''single'' at RipTheMusic.com
Howard got back to the Extreme Kidnapping people. He spoke to Dominique and Dorothy that came in. One of the girls had a speech impediment that caught Howard's attention. She had a cleft palate and said that she fell out of her crib as a baby. Howard said they were both pretty nice looking. Howard asked them about the kidnapping thing and how that all works out. They never tell the people when they're going to be kidnapped but they will not kidnap them from their homes. It will always be from somewhere like a mall or some place like that.
Howard asked about the guys who actually request these kidnappings. The group wasn't very talkative so Howard told them he was trying to help them out and they weren't helping. He was having trouble hearing them talk. Adam the MD guy told Howard that they have kidnappings that can last anywhere from an hour to days depending on what the people want to pay. The 1 hour costs you $150 and 12 hours goes up to $1000. Howard was having a lot of trouble hearing the girls and had to tell Richie from E! to help out with the microphones a little more.
Howard said that he wants to arrange for a kidnapping of one of his crew. He immediately picked Benjy as the victim. He took some phone calls after that and Sal the Stockbroker called in and said that the girls must be great at torturing because it's only been 5 minutes and he feels tortured already. Another woman showed up a short time later and said that she hasn't been doing this kidnapping thing for very long. Artie wondered if any of them have been doing it for very long. There was also talk about Adam being arrested for counterfeiting. He said that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and the case is still being investigated so he can't really talk about it.
Howard wanted to set up Benjy's kidnapping. Adam told Howard that they find out what the client wants. Howard was trying to find out what kind of stuff they do but the hair lip chick was kind of hostile and talked about how they will pluck out pubic hair from his nuts if he wants. Howard was ready to throw everyone out of there by this point because he was bored. He told them to just kidnap Benjy already. Nothing was really happening so Howard had to encourage them to just go ahead and do it. Howard had Benjy walk toward the girls so they could do their kidnapping. They walked him out of the room so Howard bailed out on the whole thing. He thought it had gone all wrong and just wanted to get out of there. The girls were out in another room ''kidnapping'' Benjy but there were no microphones on them. They eventually got a mic and camera on them so they could watch. Benjy was yelling about them grabbing his package. He wasn't into that. Then they were spanking him with a paddle and stuff like that. Howard asked the girls to stop with the kidnapping and went to commercial break. You can find out more about the Extreme Kidnapping thing at ExtremeKidnapping.com
Bob said that the Extreme Kidnapping people had kidnapped 20 minutes of his time today. He also wondered how that guy Adam can kidnap someone, he can't even take his wallet out of his pocket. Howard also talked to Bob about banging a chick who only had one arm not too long ago. Artie said Bob is the guy he talked about recently who had sex with a girl who had just one arm. Bob said he found out the chick had just one arm after Dan the Song Parody Man found the arm in his hotel room. Bob said that Dan found the arm and was pretending to pleasure himself with the arm when she was in the shower. Bob said that was the first woman he was banging after leaving his wife.
A listener called in and told Howard how great his bulletin board is. There were some posts about web cams where women were doing stuff that the guys could watch. Bob said the board is great too. He spends quite a bit of time on there himself. Howard thinks that's the place where Stern fans are going to meet and hook up in the future. That led to Howard talking about how he went up to Woodstock where people stayed after the music and had kids. He said the people up there seem to be kind of angry these days so he sees that happening with his bulletin board. These days it's nice and calm but eventually everyone there will be angry like the people up in Woodstock.
Howard gave Bob a couple of plugs for some shows he has coming up soon. He's appearing this weekend, Friday and Saturday, October 15th and 16th at Miracle East in Abington, MA. Then he's appearing with Artie Saturday, November 6 at The Patchogue Theater in Patchogue NY. You can find more of Bob's dates at revboblevy.net
Bob stuck around during Robin's news and commented on some of the stories she read. A guy called in during the news and told Howard how these women on web cams are willing to do just about anything. He was describing some stuff to Howard but he had to cut him off because he was getting a little too graphic. Another guy told Howard how cool Bob is for hanging out on the HowardStern.com bulletin board because it's like having a famous guy on there. Bob said that he's like imitation crab meat to people. He's almost a celebrity. Captain Janks called in and said he was watching Rush Limbaugh's girlfriend on CNN and it looked like she might have a ''passion mark'' on her neck. He said that grossed him out. Rev. Bob said that some of his women have marks like that on them... but those are from a punch. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45.
Howard said he had a lot to get to this morning so he took a break immediately after the show opening bits and song. After the break the guys had some fun with clips of Zeneida crying on the air from a couple of weeks ago. Artie said it's too bad that woman didn't sing but Howard told him she did sing and the guys played around with that. He had that a minute later. He played the song that they put to music and it worked pretty good. Howard thought she was pretty good for not having had music to sing along with. Robin didn't think it was all that great though.
Howard played the High Pitch Erik prank call to Eric the Midget where he pretended to be Kelly Clarkson. They've been using clips from that call for a couple of weeks now and Artie seems to really love hearing them. Robin thought it had to be one of the funniest phone calls they have on the show. Artie wondered if High Pitch came up with all of that stuff himself or of he was coached. Howard said he's pretty sure he was coached.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wanted to talk about Bill O'Reilly. He said he read a bunch of stuff on The Smoking Gun last night and he thinks that he's a liar and he's been lying to the public for quite a while now. Howard said he saw that stuff but he can't read it on the air because of the content. He said it does appear that the complaint was written up by quoting a tape or something like that. Howard was on his bulletin board last night talking about the Bill O'Reilly stuff because so many people were interested in that subject. There's a big story about it in the NY Post. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about how these conservatives are always yelling about people like this and then they get into trouble for stuff like this. Howard figures if this woman who is suing Bill O'Reilly actually does have tape, they have to creepier than the Vinnie Favale tapes they play on the show. Fred played a clip of some of Vinnie's stuff and Artie said there's no way O'Reilly's stuff could be creepier than that. Howard said he read about the O'Reilly tapes and they look like they could be creepier than that.
Howard took a call from a guy in Philadelphia. That somehow led to Howard talking about a book that was written about Henry Hill by his kids called ''On the Run : A Mafia Childhood.'' He said it makes Henry look pretty bad and you feel sorry for the guy when you read it. Howard also said he was reading Rolling Stone magazine last night and there was a good article in there about the Bush administration. There were some good quotes from a couple of people including Jon Stewart. Howard said that Jon made a good point about how TV journalists have gotten lazy these days and they don't bother to do any research when it comes to politics.
Howard said that Robin wore a skirt today so she can try to get into Ronnie's new limo. Howard said yesterday he wanted to try and have people get in and out of the thing. Robin agreed to do the experiment where she'll try not to show any panties as she climbs into the stretch Escalade. Howard said that Ronnie is going to be getting a new limo... He hasn't told him that yet but he is going to be getting one. Robin showed Howard her skirt which was relatively short. He said that should work out just fine.
Howard said that the Cheney family is pissed off because John Kerry said something about Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter. Howard talked about that for a short time and talked about how the Cheney's are just upset that they have a lesbian daughter.
Howard played another audio clip of Jennifer being interviewed and talking about how too many people ask her about her personal life when they interview her. Howard said the most interesting thing about her is that she's famous and she's a nut. A phone caller told Howard that she should change her name from J-Lo to Loco. Howard thought that was pretty funny. Howard has some other clips of Jennifer on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' that he's planning on playing later today.
Howard said that they have a guest coming in today but Tom Chiusano blew his mind over her because she wrote a book where she talks about anal. The word ''anal'' has become a word they can't even talk about on the show anymore. They can't use it when they talk to this woman. He said that the woman says when she gives that certain thing up to guys it liberates her. Tom freaked out when he heard about her coming on the show. He wondered how Howard was going to handle it so Howard told him he'd handle it his way and if he didn't like it, he could hit that button on him if he has to. The rules keep changing there so he can't even use a word he was using 2 weeks ago.
Chaunce told Howard that he thinks that Ronnie the Limo Driver may have surpassed Beetlejuice as the craziest Wack Pack member. He had a top 10 list of things about the way Ronnie acts on the show. He started to read some of the top ten stuff but Howard was ready to bail after the second thing he brought up. He was talking about how Ronnie acts on the show. Ronnie came in a short time later even though he hadn't heard the first couple of things he said. Chaunce read some of the others and asked Ronnie what he thought. Chaunce's top 10 things were well written but very long. Ronnie was going off on Chaunce about the stuff he was bringing up. He was talking about the way Ronnie disparages Howard while he's sitting out in the hallway. He didn't have any specific comments to quote so Ronnie thought he was full of crap. Ronnie said that he was going to make up stuff just like he does all the time to get on the show. Chaunce said that Ronnie is unstable and he can't believe Howard trusts him with his family when he drives him around. There was also a mention about Ronnie's name sounding like a kid's name. The final top ten list was something about ''Wherever KC is right now, Ronnie will soon be his roommate.''
Ronnie went off on Chaunce about the last guest he brought up there to the studio. He commented on the model that he and Ivy Supersonic brought up there to the studio recently. Ronnie said that the model had yellow teeth and he would have rather have seen Ivy Supersonic naked over that chick. Ronnie was trying to defend himself. Howard then brought up how Robin is going to try and get into the new limo today. That led to Ronnie telling Howard that it might be best for him to take a leave of absence for 8 or 9 weeks while Howard has a new limo built. Howard said if he wants to do that, it's fine. He didn't ask for a different limo driver but if he wanted to do that, he was fine with it. Ronnie wanted to have the limo company make some changes to the limo before they have Robin try to get into the thing. He and Howard got into another argument about the whole thing again. Howard had to explain to Ronnie how he doesn't like the car and they all know that. He is willing to live with it while they get another one.
Some people think that Ronnie should be out of there by now because of the way he's been treating Howard. Howard said that he told Ronnie not to do anything yet with the car because he's still trying to figure out what to do. He keeps telling Ronnie that he's leaning toward getting a new one. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that Ronnie bought that limo to make Howard happy. Howard isn't happy so he has to get another limo. He explained it using A and B examples instead of names. Artie and Howard goofed on Tom about that a little bit. Ronnie said that Howard complained about the previous limo because it was tough to get in and out of. That's why he got the truck. Howard said that was Ronnie's suggestion so that's why he agreed to it. He didn't know that it was going to be just as hard to get in and out of. Howard said that he's going to live with the limo if Ronnie wants to make changes to it. Ronnie said if he doesn't want that limo, he's not going to make any changes to it. Howard said he doesn't want that limo. He needs Ronnie to do him a favor and get pricing on a new one. Ronnie was still flipping out over the whole thing and not listening to what anyone was saying.
Gary came in and tried to talk to Ronnie about the whole thing. He said that Howard could walk away from the whole thing and get another limo service. It's almost like he's painting Howard into a corner and making him decide to go with someone else. Ronnie would not listen to anything anyone was telling him and wouldn't let anyone talk. Howard told him that it's very uncomfortable to talk to him about this stuff. Gary told Ronnie that this has been going on since last Friday and it's just going on way too long. Howard said his parents have to try and get into the limo this weekend and he's looking forward to seeing that. He said he should have a camera crew on them to get it on tape.
Captain Janks called in and said that Ronnie should watch Driving Miss Daisy to see what being a limo driver is all about. Wayne Segal called in and said he'd do anything he could to help Ronnie out. Ronnie asked him to just hang up the phone if he wanted to help him out. Howard said that Ronnie is the problem now, it's not even the car. He's willing to drive around in that car for now while he decides on a new car. Ronnie was going to take himself out of the whole thing because he knows how upset Howard is. Wayne told Ronnie that the decision has been made and Howard is willing to deal with the new limo until they can get him a different one. Howard had to take a break but said that they would have Robin try to climb into the limo in her skirt after that. That's if Ronnie will even unlock the vehicle for her. He didn't seem too happy that they were going to do it.
Gary told Howard that the women that were down there to take their tops off backed out when one of their husbands called and got upset that they were going to get topless. Howard told Gary to kick them out if that's the case. Robin came back in a short time later and said that she had to ride up in the elevator with Ronnie. He was telling her how easy it is to get into the car and rolled into it. Robin said that it's not that easy. Ronnie thinks that Robin was acting as she was trying to get into the thing. Ronnie said it's enough already and he's getting rid of the limo. He asked Howard if he's happy now. Howard told him that he should leave and go chill out in the hallway.
Jason came in and told Howard that Ronnie uses a step to get into the truck that Howard can't use for some reason. Ronnie came back in yelling at Jason. Howard said that Jason freaked out when Ronnie came in because he wasn't expecting the reaction he got. Ronnie told them to just let it go already because it was over, he's getting rid of the thing. Doug Goodstein told Ronnie that he has to leave today with a resolution and he has to admit that he screwed up. Ronnie said he didn't screw up, it wasn't his fault. He then admitted that it was his fault for buying that limo.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Ronnie that he's a big pussy. He asked him what his problem is. Ronnie came back at him with some comments about the trailer he's going to be moving into with his mother. Howard told Jeff that he should get a job and help his mother out. Jeff said he isn't happy about losing the house so Ronnie went off on him saying that he should go into rehab and get himself fixed up. Artie was doing his impression of Jeff while Ronnie was yelling at him. Ronnie called him a bum and said that he should straighten his life out. Ronnie told him to get a job and change his underwear. The two of them went at each other for a couple of minutes. Jeff remained pretty calm during the whole thing. Howard wondered when Jeff was moving because he wanted to film the move. Jeff said he thinks they're moving on Monday. Howard feels bad for Jeff's mother because she's got this burden on her hands. She's selling their current house for about $80,000 and buying a trailer for about $30,000. Jeff has a brother who still lives at home and he's older than Jeff. Jeff is 37 years old. Howard wondered if Jeff is the most successful guy in the family. Artie said that he's like the Michael and his brother is the Tito of the family. The guys told Jeff that he should go out, get a job and help his mother pay the bills. The guys wondered if the house has blue water in the toilets. Ronnie told Howard that they can hook those things up to plumbing if they're on a permanent foundation. He said his father owned one years ago and they used it as a vacation home. Howard let Jeff go after giving him a prize of an Xbox and a ''Leisure Suit Larry'' game. The guys figure he'll sell the game system instead of playing it. Howard said his next move will be to move into the Xbox. Artie was doing his impression of Jeff as he said ''My brother is living in Grand Theft Auto'' and that Jeff was living in Pac Man. Howard played some audio clips of Ronnie yelling at people and some of the parodies they came up with about Ronnie and his giant limo before he went to commercial break.
Howard brought in author Toni Bentley who loves ''muddy love'' or anal sex. Howard said Toni wrote a book about this subject called ''The Surrender : An Erotic Memoir.'' He asked her about when she realized she liked this type of sex. She said she didn't try it until she was in her early 30s but found that she really enjoyed it. She was there to talk about how liberating this has been for her. She describes it as almost being like a religious experience for her. Toni talked about how she feels when doing this stuff. She said she knew her life was changed after having it for the first time. She said only a few men have given her this type of love and she makes it very sacred. She told Howard she has done it 298 times in her life.
Toni said that she has been with a few women in her life and loves them. She has had three way sex with people and met a guy one time that she had anal with. She said that the three way was interesting because the three of them didn't meet before that. Howard wondered if she is addicted to this type of sex. She told him that she does seem to be addicted to this but she is in a remission at the moment because she's on the book tour.
Howard said that women really should go for this if they want to. He has tried it a few times but it's not something he tries to get when he's with a woman. Toni says in her book that the part of the body she's talking about can't lie. If the woman isn't into it, it will hurt. If she's really into it there won't be any pain. Howard read some of the notes he had on the book and Toni tells women that they have to be ''whores'' to their men. She uses props and toys when she has sex. She also claims that she keeps the condoms from the guys she's had sex with as mementos. Howard said that shows a bizarre behavior. She doesn't think it does and she believes that keeping the condoms in a locked gold box is just fine. Howard started to wrap up the segment with Toni a short time later. He said he knows that Robin found this kind of love and she enjoyed it. Toni said that the sex was not ''muddy'' when she had it so she shares tips on how to keep it that way in her book.
Ralph called in and said that this woman is a kook and writing a whole book about this stuff is crazy. He thinks that she could have written one page on this subject and it would have been enough. Robin was surprised that she was being attacked about this because she's opening up about this stuff. Robin wondered when she last had muddy love with a guy. She said that it's been months since she last did that so Artie asked her what she's doing this afternoon. A phone caller asked her if Toni has ever let a guy give her an Angry Pirate. She had no idea what that meant so Artie said ''It's when a guy steals your booty.'' Gary described it trying to be careful with his language. He said something about kicking the woman in the leg as she's giving you oral and you leave something in her eye. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said the interview was going normal until she heard that Toni keeps the condoms from her men. Howard ended the interview a short time later and went to commercial.
Artie was wearing a suit today because he's going over to a Donald Trump luncheon after the show. Artie said he didn't know that it was a lunch until 2 days ago. Dana is going to be going with him as well and she will drop by the station before they go. That led to Howard talking about how they haven't gotten the guys together for a dinner lately. Robin said she was thinking of doing something like that but she's away this weekend. Howard is away next Friday so he can't do anything then. Robin said she's thinking of putting together a Christmas party for the guys on the show.
Howard said that the Teri Hatcher show was cool when she gave him a lap dance but she's been going on every show doing the same thing. She gave Jay Leno a lap dance before she did it for Howard. Then she went on Oprah Winfrey's show and did it for someone on there. He sounded kind of bummed out by that.
Howard read through some e-mail that they've gotten lately. One guy wrote Howard and said that he's a lucky man to have Beth because she's so beautiful. There was some mail about how great the goofing on Ronnie has been. A bunch of people wrote in about how great that stuff has been on the show lately. Another person complained about Artie goofing on Pedro Martinez about bringing his midget around with him everywhere while Mariano Rivera didn't even bother to spend any time with his wife during her time of mourning. Howard whipped through a couple of other e-mails. One guy pointed out the spittle that George W. Had in the corner of his mouth during the last debate. Howard said he noticed that as well and the writer was not alone. Artie remembered a guy who had something like that and the spit would never break. Howard and Robin remembered a General Manager they had who had the same problem but it was like 4 or 5 spittle things that looked like spider webs on his lips.
Keri's face was perfect according to Howard. Artie told her that if she really wanted to piss off the Miss United States Teen people, she should get naked in there. Howard said that he and the guys were talking about her breasts and he thinks they're implants. Other guys thought that they were just young, 20 year old, boobs. Howard was right though. She has implants but she thinks they're very good.
Howard wanted Keri to put on her Miss United States Teen crown but she's technically not allowed to wear it. She said that Howard could put it on though so he tried it on for size. Robin thought it looked pretty good on him. Keri doesn't have a boyfriend right now. Howard wondered if she had sex with Hef when she was at the Playboy mansion. She said she doesn't live there and wouldn't know about that. She's not a virgin but she hasn't been having sex for long. She was telling them about how most of the stuff that's happened to her happened when she was 18 years old.
Howard tried to find out who Keri gave her virginity to. She said it was someone in her home town. Howard wanted to know if anything bad has ever happened to her. He figured that she's so good looking that nothing bad could ever happen. She said that all of the guys she dates tend to cheat on her so bad things do happen. Howard asked her about how many guys she's been with in her life. She said that it's only been four guys.
Howard noticed that in some of the pictures in Playboy, Keri appears to have hair and in others, there is no hair. She said that they should all be the same because she didn't shave or anything. Howard showed her the pictures and she thought it was just the lighting. Howard told her that she's much better looking than Brooke Burke who is on the cover of Playboy. Howard said she's getting a little long in the tooth for his taste.
Howard had some audio clips of Deion Sanders asking some questions at a beauty pageant years ago. He played some of those for Keri to answer but it didn't last for long. Howard only played two of the questions before bailing out on it. Deion asked:
A phone caller asked Keri if she would be willing to get in a bikini and get tickled. She said she can't get tickled because she pees whenever she gets tickled. Howard thought that would be great so they tried to get her into a bikini. She didn't wanted to get into one so the guys kept on her and told her that people like Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon have gotten into the tickle chair. Keri said that she couldn't be strapped in if she got in the chair. Howard told her to just go over and get into the chair but she refused. Yucko the Clown called in and said ''Two words... TICKLE CHAIR!'' She wasn't going for it though. Another phone caller said she sounds like the woman who does the Sexy Voices sex tapes.
Howard asked Keri how much she weighed. She said that she's 105 pounds and is 5'4'' tall. He started to wrap up the interview after that. Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard to get that bitch out of the studio since she wasn't getting into the chair. Howard said that wasn't very nice and hung up on him a short time later. Artie wanted to see the issue of Playboy since he hadn't seen the pictures yet. Ralph called in and said that Howard couldn't let her leave without tickling her. He said that he should let her sit in his lap or something to tickle her. Howard asked her if he could tickle her without strapping her into the chair. She thought about it but didn't want to wear a bikini either. Gary came up with some money for her to try and help things along. He only had $500 though. Howard told her that they'd give her plenty of plugs for the magazine and for her upcoming movie. Keri was almost ready to give in but then backed out. Howard wanted her in a bikini, unstrapped. She turned it down. Gary came in and said that if she put on the bikini, got strapped in and let them tickle her, they'd give her $1000. He told her how they'd be plugging stuff like crazy for her and Howard would stop if she wanted. Keri said she would get into a bikini and tickle Howard in the chair. They didn't want to do that either.
Howard told Keri that she'd be a legend if she got in the bikini and let them tickle her. Gary said that the audience will know and remember her forever if she does this. Keri saw the school girl outfit they had and she knows that someone already wore that one. They almost had her convinced to do it but she backed out once again. Jason came in and said that if she does get in the tickle chair, they are authorized to put her on the front page of HowardStern.com. She finally agreed to let them tickle for 30 seconds. She let Howard pick the bathing suit. She couldn't believe that she agreed to do this either. Howard thought they were doomed and he was going to let her leave. Ralph saved the interview. Keri went into the bathroom and changed into her bikini. She came out a short time later in a yellow bikini. Howard asked Gary to put on his bee keeper's mask to keep his face covered up during the segment. He said that it was the last time he was going to wear it.
Howard said Keri had some body on her. He went over to the tickle chair while they strapped her in. Howard and Artie told her that this was going to be a great show. She had nice feet according to Howard. He liked the belly button jewelry she was wearing and the bikini looked good on her. He said her B-cup sized breasts looked very nice as well. He had Gary keep time (so they could stretch the 30 seconds out). Howard hadn't even touched her yet and she started to squeal and giggle. Howard told her she could plug away while he tickles her. He then started to tickle her and she wasn't even able to speak because she was laughing so hard. Howard stopped about 8 seconds in and gave her a rest. She wasn't able to speak at all. They asked her if she wanted a drink of water but she's seen the show and told Gary not to spill it on her like he's done before. He managed to spill it on her though. Howard had 15 seconds left to tickle her so he went in again. He didn't touch her, he just moved in close and she started to laugh. Howard let her go a short time later. He told her that she'd never be Miss United States Teen again after that. They wanted her to put her crown on after doing that. She didn't put it on herself though, they put it on for her. Howard gave her $1000 courtesy of Bally Total Fitness for putting up with that stuff. Robin told her that what they didn't tell her is that they never let people out of the tickle chair. Howard had them let her go a few seconds later. Gary asked her to spin around to let the guys see how stunning she was. Howard gave her a ''Wow!'' when she did that. He thanked her for coming in and went to break after that.
Robin reminded Howard that he was tickling a 20 year old before the break. Howard said he knows that and he really didn't want to tickle someone who is younger than his oldest daughter. Artie said he could do it because he's only 37 years old. Howard said he kind of feels creepy when he does stuff like that to someone so young.
Howard wanted to get Mike Walker on the line but that wasn't happening. He ended up talking to a caller about a movie roll he was offered recently and how into it he is. He said it's a movie he really wants to do but he'd have to shoot in New York since that's where his show is. Howard eventually got Mike Walker on the line to play his weekly gossip game. Robin was surprised that Mike didn't know ahead of time that Howard was going to make his move to satellite. Howard didn't want to talk about that and didn't even let Mike talk about how he bought the satellite service for his vehicle.
Howard had Mike move right on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard took a call from Double A who always starts off his calls with ''Hey Howard, how's it goin'? What's goin' on?'' Howard seemed fascinated by that and wondered if that was ''his thing'' that he just has to do every time he calls in. Double A said he does that with everyone and doesn't just do it for Howard. Double A went on to ask Howard if Beth will be going back to the bulletin board anytime soon. Howard said that she doesn't really get into that stuff and she doesn't spend much time there. Double A also asked Howard to post some pictures of Beth on his web site. Howard said he'd see what he could do. They have pictures of Keri Ann that they'll have up later today over there. Howard wrapped up the show, and the week, around 10:50 this morning.