Howard started off talking about how much he loves doing the show. He was doing his usual ''Hey Now!'' stuff starting off the show and thought of a song in which a guy says ''Hey now'' a lot. The guys were trying to figure out who it was but Gary was the one who came through with the actual artist which was Everlast. Howard told him to get a copy of the song so he could play it.
Howard asked Robin what she did over the weekend. She said she was drinking which surprised Howard. He was wondering what's happened to her. She's been enjoying a few beers since she got back from her trip to the Heineken museum in Amsterdam. Howard spent a short time talking to Robin about that before he took his first commercial break.
Howard went on to talk about a guy who told him that he'd been to see Bruce Springsteen 3 times in a row. Howard said he kind of likes Springsteen's stuff but can't imagine going that many times in a row. The guy did say that Bruce does pretty much the same show each night. Howard figures of course the shows are all the same. They're all planned out. Gary told Howard there are people who keep track of every song Springsteen plays. After hearing that Howard said that people sicken him. Artie told him that he went to two different shows and they were pretty different shows. Gary said he's going to see another show in August. Howard said he thinks he might enjoy it but he just doesn't want to be bothered by it. Gary was pretty sure Howard would hate the environment there and wouldn't be happy there. Howard told him he has no idea if he'd be happy or not.
Howard said he spent some time with an old girlfriend from his childhood days over the weekend. He said he talked to her about a Camp Welmet reunion. Howard said that was one place he enjoyed as a child. He said it allowed him to get out of Roosevelt for six weeks during the summer. That led to Howard talking about how his mother was telling him he should thank her for putting him through all of that stuff because now he's got material for this new cartoon he's working on called ''Howard Stern The High School Years.'' Howard said that's not a great thing to brag about because he went through so much as a kid. Howard is wondering if he should go to this Camp Welmet reunion or not. His old friend Robin isn't sure if she's going either. Howard said everyone is afraid to go because they're not sure if there's going to be people that they know there or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the VH-1 top 200 Pop Icons list in which Howard landed at number 67. Howard said he thinks that he should have been number 1 on that list because he has changed the way people do radio and TV. The guy brought up some of the other people on the list and Howard would talk about how they've really done nothing. Names like Barbra Streissand, Oprah Winfrey came up. Howard went off on Oprah for a short time and said that she really doesn't belong on that list. Howard and the guy on the phone also talked about some of the movies that were out this past weekend and how bad they did.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard if the part in his movie where his mother told him he was ''part negro'' was true. Howard said that was absolutely true and his mother did some other wacky stuff. He said she would drive other kids to school and make him walk to school to get exercise. Robin said that really is some crazy stuff. She and Artie said he's never revealed that before but he seemed to think he had. Howard also talked about how upset his mother would get when she used to drive some kids to school and how they would get in the car and not talk to her. Howard said she wanted him to get the other kids to talk to her but he had no control over that. Howard went on to talk about his parent's wacky behavior and how they never really seemed to care about the torture he was under in the neighborhood they lived in. He said the thing that really killed him was the fact that his father didn't seem concerned about him being in an all black school. He figured a father would come home at some point and ask him how things were going in a school like that. Howard said he never did that. He and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about how crazy his parents were and how that has made him crazy as well.
Double A called in and ended up getting the delay hit on him because he used the ''Sofa King'' comment in the wrong way. He brought up the VH-1 Pop Icon list and how Howard should have been number 1 on that list. Howard had to correct him and then let him talk about that for a minute. Howard also talked to Robin about how much weight she's lost over the past 9 months or so. She said she was i na store over the weekend and saw that Dr. Phil has an energy bar out now. She said she almost bought it but then realized she didn't want to give that guy any money. She said she thinks it was called ''Shake Up'' or something like that. Robin wondered if Oprah realizes what that guy has turned into and how bad it makes her look.
Howard brought up the fact that Liza Minelli and her husband just broke up recently. Howard said it was only one year of marriage but in gay years, that's about 20. He said that guy never said he was gay so maybe he's not, but it looks that way. The guys spent a short time talking about that and how it worked to get Liza Minelli's name in the paper.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who wondered what President Bush's chances are at getting reelected. Howard said he thinks Bush did a fine job with the war on terror but he's not sure he's got a chance at winning. Howard said it's too early to tell at this point though. Howard and the guys spent a minute on that but Howard got sick of the discussion, hung up on the caller and then went to break.
Howard said they have this Dr. Judith Hellman woman in who was there to depress him. He said she claims that he's been aging poorly over the past couple of years and he needs some work done. As soon as she walked in Howard and Robin said ''give me a break.'' She told Howard and Robin that she's a real M.D. and does the work herself. She said that she can't disclose the names of her other clients but she can make Howard good looking again. She claims that Howard was a 10 at some point in his life but over the past couple of years he's been aging poorly. She said that aging is like growing up for little kids. She said kids seem to grow in spurts and that seems to happen with aging as well. She and Howard talked about that and she told Howard about what she finds good and bad about his face. She said she noticed that he has lines running from his nose to his lips. Howard said he's also noticed them as well. Dr. Hellman told Howard that she can do a ''thermal lift'' on his face to get rid of those lines. She said he shouldn't be afraid to have this procedure done. Howard wondered if they could just use botox instead. She said they can do that to his forehead but not on his face for the lines she's talking about. Howard said he's 49 years old and he doesn't need to look better than he does though. She told him that she's 49 as well. Howard told her he would have thought she was 12. Howard talked about the botox thing and the Thermalift surgery stuff with Howard for a short time. He really didn't sound interested in trying it though.
Robin pointed out that Dr. Hellman has very large breasts so she wondered if they were real or not. Dr. Hellman said they are natural. A caller pointed out that the woman was basically saying that Howard was ugly and had bad tattoos. She told Howard they could remove those tattoos of his with a few visits to her place. Robin said she doesn't think Howard looks 49 years old but Dr. Hellman seems to think that he does look his age. She told Fred and Artie they look every bit their age as well.
Howard wrapped up the short interview and gave Dr. Hellman a plug for her web site BigAppleSkin.com. She said they have special offers for Howard Stern fans on the site. She also said they're pretty close to his studio in Manhattan. Howard said when she walked in he thought that she was a phony doctor, he had no idea she was a real M.D. He said whenever he hears a doctor with an accent though, he wants to run for the hills.
Howard interrupted the fun and said he had Dr. Hellman's ex-husband on the phone. Howard thought the guy was scamming him but he let him talk about her a little bit. The guy sounded like he had no idea what was going on and Howard was pissed that John put him through. John came in and told Howard that the guy sounded kind of pissed like he wanted to kick Howard's ass. Howard bailed out on that and got back to the Gary Garver stuff.
Garver got Dennis Rodman next. Here's what he asked:
Howard said he was inspired to go riding after seeing Lance Armstrong win over the weekend. He said he was going to ride but his tires were flat and he decided not to go. Howard wondered why they can't come up with some other type of tire that doesn't go flat. Robin said he should come up with something himself like this Chinese guy did when he wanted a guy that would shoot a big bullet out of a small gun. Robin told Howard that he wanted a small, sleek gun that shot a big bullet. He couldn't find one so he sat down and invented one himself.
Howard and Robin spent some time talking about Lance Armstrong and how he said he had to go ''repair his marriage'' after winning the Tour. Howard said he feels really bad for the guy because that's how Lance makes money. His wife was apparently leaving whacked out messages on his official web site complaining about how lonely she was feeling while he was away winning races. Howard said if you find a motivated man, you'll find a guy who isn't happy at home. He said he always figured astronauts must be really miserable because they fly all the way to the moon to get away from their families.
Robin brought up Kobe Bryant and how the jeweler who sold him the $4 million ring that he just bought said Kobe and his woman were holding hands and laughing together when the bought it. The guys spent a short time talking about that.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy told Howard to just bring his car back to the dealer because they probably just need to get the sensor reset. Another guy told him he may have run-flat tires on his car so he wouldn't have to change a tire if he did have a ''flat tire'' with no air in it. Howard didn't even know what run-flat tires were so Robin had to explain it to him. Howard got back to the Lance Armstrong discussion again. They also talked about parents staying home with their kids and who is better at taking care of kids. Howard said if he had to take care of kids full time, he'd put as much energy into that as he does with his job. Robin told him that probably wouldn't be a good thing though. That might be a little too much parenting.
Howard had some tape of this guy William Bennett talking to Tim Russert about his gambling problems. He gambled away millions of dollars of his families money. Howard talked about how this guy was going around telling people how to run their lives but meanwhile, he was gambling away a lot of money. Dominic Barbara called in and said that the money he lost was pre-tax money so it was actually like losing twice what he actually lost. Howard continued to play the tape and goofed on the guy about everything he was saying. Russert asked him if he thought he was addicted to gambling. Bennett said he doesn't have an addiction so Howard just laughed and said ''Eight million dollars!'' Howard and Robin listened to more of the interview between Bennett and Russert and continued to goof on him for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was a stay at home dad for 5 years and when he separated from his wife, he ended up paying 60 percent of his teacher salary even though his wife makes $200,000. The guy explained all of that and it sounded like Howard couldn't believe what he was hearing. He got so upset after hearing all of that, he had to get off the phone. The caller said he had a female judge in the case and that's why he was the one paying child support even though his wife was making more money than him.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Jackie the Joke Man's divorce and said that Howard was trying to hide it for some reason. Howard told the guy he's the one who talked about it on the air so that's the only reason the guy found out about it to begin with. Howard said he's been there (divorce) so he doesn't want to make things any worse than they are so he doesn't talk about it. He did end up talking about the stuff he told Jackie years ago about how he needed to get out of the marriage but Jackie didn't listen to him.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who thanked him for playing the tape of Kate Hudson talking about how annoying we are over in France. Howard replayed the clip once again and said that no one has really picked up on the comments except some people on CNBC. Debbie Schlussel called in and told Howard what was making her sick last week. She said the Prime Minister of Palestine was at the White House last week and he's a guy who denies that the holocaust ever happened and a bunch of other stuff. Howard and Debbie talked about that for a short time. Debbie was talking about what an outrage it was that our President was even meeting with the guy. Howard told Debbie that she needs to get laid tonight. He got off the phone with her and spent a short time talking about how she might be reading too much on the internet. He had to take a break right after that.
Howard played the Everlast song he was playing earlier and once again wondered what ever happened to him. He went on to replay some of The Onion Radio News bits he played a couple of times last week. A woman called in after that and wondered if Howard was going to have John Popper on the show anymore. Howard said he thought it might be kind of over for Blues Traveler now. The woman said they sounded great on Letterman the other night. Howard said it's hard to pick which bands to have on a show as big as his so he probably won't have them on. The woman changed subjects and asked Howard about the band Evanescence that Howard talked about last week. She was saying they certainly don't seem like a Christian band like they used to claim they were. Howard said the band is okay but their album kind of grates on you and it isn't all that great. He said the woman who sings in the band looks good on the cover of their album but she looks horrible on video performing live. Howard heard that the woman on the phone calls the show very often and many times a day. She said she hadn't called for about a month before this call. Howard heard some other stuff about the woman being kind of wacky so he ended up asking her a bunch of questions. He asked her age and found out she's around 54 years old. She wasn't proud of that fact though. She said she has been through menopause. Howard said that he heard the band Train singing a song and wondered if it was a new song. The woman on the phone told Howard that it's a new song from their new album. Howard said he really liked the song and told the guys to bring him a copy. They didn't have it though, because they don't play it on his station. Howard got back to the woman on the phone and talked to her a little more. He asked her some questions about bands that she might know. She knew the lead singer's name from the band Matchbox Twenty. They goofed on her a little bit about that. Howard tried to get the guys to download the Train song from the internet but they're not allowed to do it there at work anymore. Howard told KC to hook their computer up to a phone line and download it. KC said they can't do that though. One of the guys from E! ran down to get the CD from his car instead. Howard said no record company is going to sue them for downloading a song that he's going to play on the air. Gary came in a minute later with the CD and told Howard that even if they had downloaded the song from a service like BuyMusic.com, they still would have had to have burned it to a CD for him to play it. Howard played the song ''Calling All Angels'' but Robin didn't seem to like it. Howard said he likes it though. Fred said he liked it as well. Howard took a break after playing some of the song.
Howard talked to Scott DePace about his diet a bit and wondered why he's not fatter than he is. The guys also came up with a new way to torture a listener. Artie said they could make a listener try and stay in the bathroom through the whole show or something like that. Howard had to take a break after that disgusting discussion.
Howard said they're doing Naked Daredevil with porn star Karina (Get Her Videos Here) today. He seemed pretty excited about it when he was talking about it. He went on to complain about his head being itchy this morning. Robin wondered if he has fleas or something. He then brought up the doctor that was in yesterday telling him how he's not aging very well and needs plastic surgery. He said he didn't think much about it until he looked in the mirror this morning and saw what he looked like.
Howard said Captain Janks was really busy yesterday with the death of Bob Hope. He made a bunch of new phony phone calls on his day off from work. Howard said he'd play them when he got back from commercial break... and then played the one he played yesterday where Janks called in to CNN as Bob Hope's comedy writer. He keeps them going for a minute and then tells them that Bob died choking on Howard's ball sack. Robin said she loved the ''stunned silence'' that the news reporter had after Janks mentioned the ball sack thing. Howard and the guys spent some time talking about Bob Hope and their experiences with him. Howard remembered some of the interviews he did with Bob over the years. He talked about the first interview he did with him back at WNBC in 1981 or so. He said that he messed with Bob a little bit on the air doing his gay impression and got a call from Bob's manager later that night. The manager wanted to yell at the ''woman'' who interviewed him. Howard took the call and pretended to be the General Manager and told the manager that the person who interviewed Bob that the ''woman'' had already been fired. Howard said the manager was fine with that so he sweated for two days waiting for the guy to call back and find out that he'd been scammed. Howard went on to tell some other stories about interviews he'd done with Bob. He said he even dressed up as Bob one time and interviewed Bob Hope as Bob Hope. Howard spent a short time on that and then took his first break.
A listener called in and mentioned WCCC up in Hartford where Howard used to work. They still carry Howard's show there. Howard pretended to be working at WCCC and did some announcing for them. The guy who called in said he heard something about a ''Private Parts 2'' movie on that station. Howard told the guy he doesn't know anything about it so the guy must have just been making it up. Howard took some more phone calls and one guy complained about Howard ''coasting'' along with the show while he's waiting for his contract to be up. A second guy called in and said the same thing after complaining about him playing the Captain Janks phony phone calls even though he says he doesn't encourage Janks to do it. A minute later Howard played some of Janks' calls. He played a new one where Janks called Good Day Live as the same person he called CNN as yesterday. Janks yanked them a little bit saying the same things about Bob Hope being a great comedian and how nice he was. Janks kept them going for a short time until he asked the guy if he wanted Howard Stern's balls on his chin. He then called him a ''jerk off'' before they cut him off. The hosts of the show were pretty rattled and things didn't go very smoothly after that.
Captain Janks called in and said he was up to a lot yesterday calling into shows all day. He said he even called in as Bob Hope's grandson to complain about the prank call someone (Janks himself) had made during the day. Janks said this marks his 15th year doing prank calls as well. He told Howard that he called some newspapers as Hope's grandson telling them that CNN refused to issue an apology to them after that horrible call that was made earlier. He said he was getting tons of calls from reporters after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he really enjoys Janks' phone calls. Howard had to say that he doesn't approve of what he does though. He thanked Janks for calling in and got off the phone with him.
Howard took a call from a woman who was giggling like a school girl when she found out she was actually on the air. Howard told her she sounded pretty crazy as she was doing that. Howard said he pictured her as being a big fat blond woman in a wheel chair. She giggled some more so Artie did an impression of her giggling for a minute. She then revealed that she's 27 years old. Howard told Artie to quiet down and asked her some questions about her weight and all.She said she's only 110 pounds. He said that's a perfect weight if she's 5'7'' tall. She then revealed that she's only five feet tall. Howard hung up on her when he heard that.
A listener called in and asked for Howard to replay the Touch Tone Terrorists (TouchToneTerrorists.com) prank call that he played on the show yesterday. He replayed the call where they take a call from a woman who's trying to cancel a service but they won't let her. They keep yanking her until she gets pissed and hangs up on them. Willie uses Howard's name at one point in the call but the woman was so pissed that she didn't even hear it.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said he saw Howard's fat buddy Dominic Barbara yesterday walking out of a diner. The guy said he saw him trying to get into his car and he's so big he had to back himself in ass first. The guy said Dominic is probably going to eat until he explodes.
Howard asked Dominic what was up with the call they got earlier in the show about him looking like he was in pain. Dominic revealed that he just had stomach surgery so he can lose some weight. Howard said he knew about that but Dominic didn't want anyone to know about it. Then he heard from some other people who found out he had the work done. Howard said he started hearing from a bunch of people that he had the surgery. Dominic said that's because people like Wayne Siegel called and the office figured he already knew. Howard went on to say that Dominic had some trouble during surgery. They accidentally cut a muscle or something according to Howard. Dominic said nothing went wrong but Howard kept saying something was up. Howard had to take a break so he had to wrap up the call with AJ. AJ said he's got a job working on FX on Friday nights. Howard got him off the phone and said he'd talk about the whole Dominic Barbara thing after that.
Dominic said he's already getting better after the surgery. His diabetes is much better now and his blood sugar levels are normal. He also told a story about how the doctor made a comment about the size of his penis that kind of hurt him. He said he asked her if he could get a penis transplant. The doctor told him that when he loses weight it won't look so small. Dominic said that Bally Total Fitness wants to do a program with him where he'd be working out with them. Howard told him he can't do that if he's not eating anything though. Dominic said he's allowed to start working out in 12 more days though. He went on to say that he can barely eat anything when he goes out to eat. They gave Dominic a dietician to help him out with his diet. He said he's already lost 30 pounds. Howard later said he hates that people get this thing done because he's worked so hard at staying thin without going that route. Dominic seems to think he'll be down to 200 pounds sometime and with his hair and face, he'll look amazing. Dominic said he only has to lose 70 pounds because he was at 298. Howard said he had to have weighed more than that to have gotten that surgery done. Robin said they let people get it done even if they're not really obese.
Howard took some calls for Dominic after talking to him for a few minutes. One guy wondered if the restaurants he was going to are going to file for chapter 11 now that he's gotten this surgery done. Howard seemed to find that pretty funny. Another caller asked Dominic why he didn't try losing weight the normal way. Dominic said he did try other diets during his life but they didn't work for him. The guys went through some of the other details about Dominic's surgery for a couple of minutes. A woman called in and said that she had the surgery done years ago and even though people say that it's ''the easy way'' it's really not. She said it's a good teaching tool for later in life when they have to limit their portions. Howard told the woman not to congratulate herself because it wasn't something that she should be proud of. The woman said that she has lost 140 pounds or so since getting this work done. Howard kept telling both of them that they shouldn't be so proud that they had this surgery done.
Dominic said that if he hadn't gotten this surgery done he may have lost his legs to diabetes. Howard told him he would have had him on the show more if that had happened.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said after he saw himself on Howard's E! show one time, he changed his diet and lost the weight on his own by dieting and exercising. He didn't have to go out and get surgery done on his stomach. Some other callers told Dominic that he has no will power and this is just the lazy way out. Robin said she's proud of Dominic for what he's done though. A couple of other callers told him basically the same thing. Howard said he thinks Dominic will be back at his favorite restaurants one day eating just as much as he used to. Robin wondered what he's going to do now that he's not eating as much. He used to eat as a hobby so now he's got nothing. Dominic said that he should lose about 10 to 12 pounds a month after this surgery. He figures he should be down to 200 or 220 in no time. Dominic was ready to bet the guys that he could lose the weight by January 1, 2004. He thinks that he'll be down to 230 or less by that time. Howard thinks that he'll lose the weight and will be divorced within 2 years. Fred agreed but Robin was going to take that bet because she didn't think that would happen. Howard knows he'll be having a conversation about this with Dominic in 2 years and he'll be apologizing for not believing in him.
A woman called in and said she lost 140 pounds after the surgery and now her husband is so insecure about her losing the weight that she's got to get away from him. She said she has to get out of the relationship now because of that. Dominic was ready to bet his relationship against Howard's relationship. Howard said that's fine but he hasn't changed his life in a way that would screw up his relationship. Robin put up $500 saying that in 2 years, Dominic will still be with his wife Leslie. Howard and Fred took that bet. Leslie got on the phone and told Howard she doesn't think anything will happen. Howard told her to get out of the relationship now.
A listener called in and said a friend of his had this surgery done and died a few years later. He said he died of cancer though. Howard said this surgery isn't the cause for cancer but then started thinking about how Sharon Osbourne got cancer after she had the surgery done. Howard had to wrap up the segment after that so they could move on to Naked Daredevil. Howard talked about some of the stunts people were going to be performing during the game. He then took a break so they could get to that.
Karina brought Howard a bottle of Vodka from Finland, where she's from, because Howard always says she's from Sweden. Howard said she was in a bikini this morning and looked pretty good. He said a lot of porn stars don't look all that good but she does. Howard said he heard that she was crying all last night for some reason. She said she was because her cat died and her boyfriend called her to tell her that at midnight last night. She said it was a bad time to tell her that because she had the show to do today.
Howard said the reason they're doing this is because the DVD for the movie ''Daredevil'' is coming out. Howard said the movie company came up with the idea to do the Naked Daredevil thing. They also put up $5000 and a trip the Playboy mansion with Karina. Gary asked her if she'd be up for doing other things with the winner of the contest. She said she'd see what happens. Howard said she seems to be pretty open with her sexuality and she's not as picky as most women are. She said she likes sex and doesn't have a problem doing guys or girls. She told Howard that she just did her first strap-on dildo thing with another woman. She said the other woman was the one wearing the strap-on though. Howard asked her if she's ever done a black guy before. She said she did one on film and doesn't have a problem doing that. She doesn't think it lowers her value like some porn starts think it does. She told Howard she thinks she's probably done a total of about 100 guys in her career. Gary told Howard that he sat with her by the pool out in Las Vegas and had some nice conversations with her about family and stuff like that. Then he turns on one of her videos and sees her with three guys in her. He said she had one in her mouth, in her ''receiver'' and in the butt as well. She said she's only done that a couple of times and it doesn't happen often.
Howard had Karina stand up and model for him a little bit. He said he'd love to ''hit that'' after seeing her stand up. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy sounded like he was rubbing one out while he was on the phone. KC came in a short time later and asked Howard if he knew whose mouth Karina stuck her tongue in. It turned out to be Will from the back office. Will came in and said they were at a private party in Vegas and she stuck her tongue in his mouth. Karina remembered it after he reminded her about it. Will was a little freaked out by the fact that she's a porn star so he didn't take it any further. She went on to say that there were rumors that she'd slept with some of Howard's fans but that wasn't true. Howard gave Karina a plug for her web site before they got to the game. You can check her out at CumWithKarina.com
Howard moved on to the game and brought in the first contestant, Rip. Rip was in to get naked and slap his balls against his leg. Gary said they heard him do it over the phone and it was pretty loud. Rip said he's a contractor but quickly complained about how disgusting their bathroom is there. Howard asked Rip about his girlfriend and whether or not she has a problem with all of this. He said she's fine with it. Howard then had him slap his balls against his leg. It really was loud and sounded like a someone was playing tennis in the studio. He said it's a locker room stunt he's done through his life. KC said Rip was smiling the whole time he was slapping his balls back and forth. Howard took some phone calls and asked people if they could hear the ball slapping. One guy said he was able to hear it but he also asked Karina what kind of sex tips she had for a guy. She said she likes to take three fingers in her area... but Howard cut her off before she got too graphic.
Howard moved on to the second contestant Joe. He was there to shave himself down while blindfolded. He had a friend of his by the name of Gypsy to keep him company. She was a stripper but Joe was the guy who was naked. Joe said he brought her there as eye candy. She was going to assist him in the event. Joe said he had a regular old razor to shave down his private parts. Gypsy squirted him down with some shaving cream. Joe then shaved himself with the blindfold on. He then asked for Gypsy to spank him. Howard wanted Gypsy to take her top off but she said she couldn't for some odd reason.
Howard brought in the next contestant who was a woman by the name of Lynn. She was there to let Artie throw McDonalds McGriddle sandwiches at her. The whole thing was her idea according to Gary but she hadn't ever seen the sandwich. She said she had seen them but hadn't eaten them. Lynn said she was a stripper at one point in her life but she's now a meeting planner. Howard had Artie do his thing a minute later. He tossed some of the McGriddle sandwiches at her and she screamed out in pain as they slapped against her chest. They were hitting pretty hard and left big, red welts on her according to Howard. Karina offered to kiss Lynn so they did that quickly.
Next up was Christie who was going to get naked and balance a book on her head. She came in with her sister Angel and the two of them were talking non-stop. Howard noticed that she was completely shaved. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the girls before they did their thing. Christie said that her sister was going to pour a bunch of stuff on her and then she'd balance a book on her head while she hoola hoops. Christie said hello to Karina and told her how beautiful she was. Howard had the sisters kissing a short time later. He said they didn't really even have to do the sundae thing like they were going to do. Howard said it was good enough that she was just there naked. Christie did the book balancing thing with the hoola hoop going. She also did a naked split for Howard. She then went over to Karina and kissed her. She said that was the first French kiss she'd ever had with another woman. Howard kicked the girls out so he could move on to the next contestant.
The final contestant was Ray who was going to get shot in the ass with a paint ball gun. Howard said he thought he was nuts. KC was the shooter so he showed Ray what it was going to be like by shooting it into a sheet. Howard and Gary thought it was really going to hurt when it hit him. Ray didn't seem to care and told KC to go for it. He was screaming out in pain after that. He was ready to take one in his cup but Howard didn't want him to do it. Howard said the welt on his ass looked like a bullet hole.
Howard mentioned all of the contestants and what each of them did. They had to pick a winner so they went through each one. Robin and Howard picked Ray as the winner. Gary said the McGriddle girl had his vote until the paint ball guy came in. Artie said he had to go with the paint ball guy as well. Karina said she wanted to support the women but she went with Ray who took the paint ball in the ass. Howard then let Ray know that he won the $5000 and the trip to the Playboy mansion. Ray said he has to take a 5 hour trip home sitting on that ass today. Howard congratulated the rest of the contestants and asked Gary if they had any runner up prizes. He said ''no!'' at first but then let them know that they'd give them watches from Steven Singer Jewelers (StevenSingerJewelers.com). Howard wrapped up the segment and took a break after that.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he has a problem with his wife who got fat and doesn't give him sex for months at a time. He said she tapes Oprah and Dr. Phil all the time as well. Howard said it might sound shallow but there are guys who don't know what to do when their wife gets fat like that. She doesn't work and she stays home with the kid all day. Howard said the guy had a point. The guy said he has gone out and gotten laid but he doesn't want to cheat anymore. He told Howard that he would like to bring his wife on Howard's show and tell her there that he wants to break up with her. He said he could tell her that they're going on the show to play a game or something. Howard wondered if it was a good idea to break up with her on the air though. The guy seemed to think it was a great idea. Howard said he might even be able to give them some advice and save their relationship. Howard said he'd do what he could to help him out.
Howard took a call from someone claiming to be Sandra Bernhard. She was calling to tell Howard that she's going to be hosting David Letterman's show. Howard said she used to not even be able to get on the show and now she's hosting for Dave. After talking to her for a few seconds he said it didn't really sound like Sandra. It turned out that it was a black guy doing an impression of her. Howard told him he gave it a good try but wasn't able to fool him. He had Robin start her news shortly after that. They spent some time talking about Bob Hope's death. Howard was doing his impression of Bob for a while and that led to a caller complaining about the bad impression he was doing. The guy wasn't too bright though because he was on the air with Howard and thought he was talking to KC or someone like that. Another guy called in a little later and told Howard he loves his Bob Hope impression.
Late in the news Howard took a call from a 27 year old girl who thought that God was writing through her and had a list of ''God's Icons'' with Howard and Robin being at the top of that list. Howard let her ramble on and on about the list for a short time and interrupted her to find out if she's as wacky as he thinks she is. The girl ended up putting her girlfriend on the phone to fill him in on her new found powers from God. The girlfriend said she believes that her girlfriend actually has these special powers and defended her. Howard told her that she really needs to get her help. The girlfriend is a nurse and was still defending her mentally ill friend. Howard let a guy through who was claiming to be God. After that got said a few words the mentally ill woman went nuts telling Howard what a scumbag he was and how she didn't want to talk to him to begin with. She ended up going off on him for a couple of minutes yelling about him being a Jew and how he degrades women and stuff. Howard tried to get the nurse to agree that her girlfriend needed some mental help. He asked the nurse if she found it to be a little bizarre that she was telling him he was number one on God's Icon list and then she yells about him being a Jew and degrading women. The crazy bitch (Nicole) continued to rant and rave and even broke down crying at one point. Howard wanted to get the crazy one back on the phone but he wanted her friend to agree to get her some help. The nurse agreed to do that so she put her friend back on. She was crying when she got back on the phone so Howard tried to make her feel better. Howard said he guessed that she was a good looking girl but she said she's really not. He tried to make her feel better telling her she was a beautiful person on the inside. He then told her that he was just playing around with her and thought she was kidding around with the icon list. He told her to call back sometime in the future. Howard also told her he'd let her get her message out on the air whenever she wanted to. She ended up getting upset again and got off the phone. She put her nurse friend back on and continued to rant and rave in the background while the nurse friend tried to get her back on the phone. The conversation led to the girls talking about how they want to get married to one another. Howard told the nurse that he could tell the other girl where they could get married. Nicole continued to talk so loud off the phone that Howard could hear every word. He eventually told the nurse friend to call back tomorrow when they've calmed down.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and said that call was great and it was like the ''insane Abbot and Costello.'' Artie continued to goof on the crazy bitch a little bit after that. It was so late in the show that Howard had to end the show about 2 minutes after the call. As he was ending the show he was talking about the great Terminator 3 pinball game he's been playing lately. He said the game is the best pinball game he's ever played. He said the game has Arnold Schwarzenegger talking to you and you even get to shoot stuff with a gun that's attached to the game. He said he's been trying it out for free but he's going to buy it after enjoying it so much.
Howard said they'd be playing Stump the Booey today and they'd also be having Evil Dave Letterman and Dennis Rodman coming in as well. Howard brought up the gay TV shows that are all over the place now. They're going to have one of their own today where a guy comes in to give Artie a gay make over. Howard said he doesn't have anything against gay people and thought that Liberace was his favorite gay person of all time. He said he was gay to the 15th power. Howard said the show ''Gay Eye for the Straight Guy'' makes him very angry because the fact that the gay guys are making straight guys look attractive to women is just wrong. Howard said the person who is really angry at these gay shows is Ellen Degeneres because she took a bullet for all of these shows to get on the air. He said that people were surprised when she announced that she was gay but now gay shows are all over the place according to Howard. He described Ellen as the soldier who dies in an invasion and all of the other guys step over her. Artie said he likes the gay guys in sports who stay in the closet.
Howard said he got a little upset when he heard someone mention on the news that Bob Hope was the ''King of all Media.'' Howard seems to think that he deserves that title more than Bob did because everything Bob did was scripted. He said the comparison insults him. Howard said it's like comparing Superman to Batman. Superman is from another planet and Batman is just a regular guy. That's the comparison Howard used to compare himself to Bob. He said he creates stuff from scratch every day while Bob Hope was completely scripted. Howard opened the phones up after patting himself on the back. A guy asked Howard if Beth gets along with her seeing eye dog... Then explaining that she has to be blind to be dating Howard. Howard sarcastically thanked him for the praise. A woman called in and told Howard she wants to come on the show live saying that she's a 10. She was smoking on the phone so Howard told her to stop because it's just gross. Howard told her she was being annoying on the phone and wasn't any fun so far. He told her that she could come in if she'd let Artie throw grapefruit at her ass. She told Howard that she's a promotional model for liquor companies so she goes to bars and stuff and just stands next to the products. Howard told her she could come in and put her on hold to set her up to come in. She told Howard that she got kicked out of her house so all she had was a bag of clothing with her. She said she has some depression problems so she wasn't having a good time in college. The girl, Amanda, told Howard that she bangs a lot of guys but thinks she's not that loose. He tried having a discussion with her but she kept saying ''what?'' when he'd ask her a question. He had to put her on hold to book her for the show. He said her poor father has to put up with that and he feels bad for him.
Howard said Robin Radzinski from E! took some pictures at the party and got a shot of Scott the Engineer's hands that are stained from cigarette smoking. She also grabbed a shot of Stuttering John's nasty toenails. Howard told him he really needs to just cut the nails himself. John says he hasn't had the chance to go get a pedicure. Howard said no one wants to see that and doesn't know why he has to wear sandals all the time. John said he just forgot to bring his other shoes from Long Island with him.
Howard brought up the fact that John uses some of the guys in the back office to help him do stuff for him. Howard said he heard that Will has driven John around before. John said that wasn't true but Gary told him that he has had Will drop his car off for him. John said he always pays the guys when they help him out like that. He was bragging about how he paid Will $160 to help him move and paint his house. Will came in and said it was about 2 days that they helped him out and they only got $160. Painters get a lot more than that to paint a place. John said he'll never hire him again even though what he paid him was more than he makes in 3 weeks at the station. Howard told him he just doesn't want John asking those guys to do stuff for him anymore. Howard yelled at John to get out of the studio after he argued with him for a short time. John was telling Howard that he was paying them more money to do stuff for him than they're getting there at the station. Howard said he's a ''cancer'' and doesn't understand what he's talking about. He compared John to Jackie the Joke Man the way he was ''milking the show'' for all it's worth. He told John he doesn't want him threatening not to hire them anymore when he shouldn't have been doing it to begin with. He kicked John out of the studio so he could get back to answering the phones.
Gary told Howard that JOhn is now no longer friends with Scott DePace after he told Howard about some of the stuff he's been doing around the station. Howard seemed to think that wasn't a big deal for Scott. He probably won't be upset about John not being his friend anymore. Howard said that John goes around bragging about giving these guys money but then he borrows money from a guy who works in the parking garage. Gary said that guy is also on John's list of guys he doesn't like anymore. Artie said that guy is the guy who told him that JOhn's car stunk.
Howard said it looks like Gary got about as big as Vinnie Favale from CBS. Gary was upset about that and said it was the shirt that made him look fat. He also said that Robin Radzinski told him that he should retire that shirt. Mike Gange is also getting pretty big so Howard spent a short time talking to him about that. Gange said that he's about 230 pounds and he's only 5'8'' tall. Howard had him stand on the scale in the studio and he weighed in at 243 pounds! He said his girlfriend doesn't complain about it though. He said he got really bummed out when he saw the pictures that Robin Radzinski took at the party. Howard is going to have some of those pictures posted on HowardStern.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered what was up with Roger Alan Wade and his Sweet Poon Tang songs. Howard said he's off working on the album but he's got nothing to do with it now.
Howard brought up this reporter Jeanette Walls who he went off on a couple of months ago about some false information she reported in the paper. Howard said she just left them a message asking for some comments on the Kate Hudson stuff that he's been talking about lately. Howard said everything he has to say about Kate, he's said on the air. He then replayed the clip of Kate Hudson talking about how Americans are just ''the most annoying, boisterous creatures on Earth.'' She was talking about that while talking about France and how we go over there and just annoy everyone. Howard went off on her and the French for a short time.
Howard said that this porn star Mary Carey has been on the show before so they wondered if she'd be up for doing an Anal Ring Toss game where she'd have to hold a stick in her ass. She left them a message saying that she can't do it because the owner of the company she's under contract with doesn't want her to do it. She said she wouldn't mind doing it but she's not allowed.
Howard spent a short time talking about how the tourism in France has gone down lately which he seems to be very happy about. He moved on to talk about how some fans of the show put together a letter to the board of health in New York City, using Stuttering John's name, complaining about the filthy bathroom at the station. Howard said they may be getting a visit from the board of health now that the letter has gone out.
Howard was talking about Lance Armstrong and how his wife was posting stuff on his web site about him. Howard thought that Lance's wife was pissed that he was off riding a bike but some people wrote him and told him that Lance was cheating on her so that's why he was saying that he had to go home and save his marriage. Howard said any guy who rides a bike as much as Armstrong does is either mentally ill or isn't happy in his marriage. Howard said he was riding his bike 30 miles a day back when he was married. Now he doesn't ride at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard how great Bob Hope's movies did compared to his. Howard said it's still ridiculous to compare him to Bob Hope. He pointed out that everything Bob did was scripted and he didn't do all that much compared to what he does on radio.
Captain Janks called in and said he got a call from the people he made a phony phone call to on Monday and they threatened to sue him. Janks said he called Howard and while he was on hold, he got another call from them telling him that he'd better not go on the air and talk about it. Janks didn't have a problem going on the air to mention it. They don't have a case because they shouldn't be able to sue him for making a prank call to a TV show. Howard played the call Janks made to Good Day Live as Bob Hope's writer. Howard goofed on them a little bit because the newscaster said ''not today'' when Janks asked him if he wanted Howard Stern's balls on his chin. Howard told him he should call back and see if he'd like them on his chin today. Janks talked about how funny it was when this guy Steve from Good Day got on the phone with him and told him he needs to seek help after doing that. Howard had to take a break but took one last call before taking a break and the guy told Howard he should replay the call he got late in the show yesterday from the wacky woman who thought that she was channeling God when she wrote an Icon list with Howard at number one. Howard said he'd replay that when he got back from break.
After playing the call Howard had to take another break before playing Stump the Booey. He also said we'd find out why KC is on Prozac. Before he did all of that he had the crazy girl on the phone again. Her name is Nicole, not ''crazy bitch'' like I was calling her yesterday. Her voice was completely shot and she could barely speak as she was talking to Howard. She said that she thinks that Marilyn Manson is an angel, not the Anti-Christ. She also apologized to Artie for calling him a Fat-F*** during her call. That was censored out of course during the call yesterday. Nicole went on to say that she wrote the list herself and it wasn't God who wrote it through her like she said yesterday. Howard asked her if she was going to get some help for this stuff. She was still rambling a bit about stuff so Howard told her he's not able to handle this type of stuff. Nicole said that she had to kick her girlfriend out of the house after the call yesterday. She said that her girlfriend was telling her that she needs to lock herself in a mental institution. Howard said that's exactly what she needs to do. He had to cut her off so he could take a commercial break. She just wasn't listening to what he had to say. Howard said he figures the girlfriend just ran out on her after the mental ramblings during that call. Howard said he thinks Nicole would make for the perfect addition to that show ''The View.'' He went to break right after that.
Howard said Benjy gave him a gift this morning for being so generous to him over the years. Howard said he was afraid to open the box because he didn't know what Benjy was up to. He made Benjy open it for him. It turned out to be a guide book to New York City from many years ago that was just republished. Howard said he's not interested in it at all and won't even read it. He said it's sitting on his desk.
Howard said he had some more show news, this time it was about KC. He said he just found out that KC is on Prozac. KC used to go to a psychiatrist but stopped that so the guys were trying to figure out how he got a prescription for it. KC said he got it from a doctor instead. KC said that his brother had an intervention a while back and he decided to go after KC to get him to get some tests done on him because he was being very dark and didn't see the family very often. KC said he ended up going to a doctor to get some tests done. He said they tested him to see if he's angry all of the time or if there are things he likes. After the test results came back, KC said they told him he was a ''severe case'' and gave him a few options. One of those was to take Prozac. KC said that he doesn't feel that it makes much of a difference for him though. Robin wondered what the other options were. He said they told him he might need psychotherapy but he's already done that and it didn't work for him. Howard told him he probably needs to go more often and find someone cheaper. KC said that he was having some strange thoughts about his mother and brother. He said that he never wants them to go through bad things so he's had thoughts about killing them so they wouldn't suffer through that stuff. He said he knows that the thoughts aren't real and would never do that stuff. Howard told him it's okay to have fantasies like that but Robin wondered why he was telling him that. Howard said he told him that just so he could get some more stuff out of him.
Gary came in and said he got this 20 question test that they have on a web site. Howard didn't get to it right away so he asked KC if he thinks he's gay or something. KC said he loves women and doesn't find anything about men attractive. He admitted that he had taken steroids at one point in his life but doesn't take them now. Howard seems to think this mental thing might have something to do with his father.
Gary got to the test and read some of the questions that were on it. The answers are supposed to be like ''Sometimes, often, more often, always.'' KC just explained each answer to Howard and the guys instead.
Howard moved on to the game and said the prize money for the game was courtesy of Bally Total Fitness. They had 5 songs to play. Gary and Glen had to guess the artiest and the title of the song. Whoever got the most out of the 5 right was the winner. Here are the songs they played:
Howard took a call from a woman who was whispering on the phone. She brought up how concerned Howard was with Pamela Anderson and her Hepatitis C. The woman said she's dying herself and had some advice for what Pam could take. She gave out the name of her medication, Pegasus, so Howard said he'd pass it along to Pam. He wished her well and hung up on her.
Howard said Dennis Rodman was supposed to be in this morning but didn't show up. They actually paid for his plane fare but he didn't show. Howard said he had a good excuse because he had a court date or something like that going on. Howard said Dennis should be in next week after he's done with the court thing.
Howard said that there are a lot of these gay shows on now and one of them is called ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'' Howard said two of the guys from the show were coming in to make Artie over. He introduced Carson Kressley and Kyan Douglas and they immediately started touching Artie. Howard said he heard that the guys contacted a store about making Artie over and the store refused to do it when they saw a picture of Artie. Mike Gange came in and said that he sent them a picture of Artie on the red carpet at a movie premiere and the designer said that the weren't sure they'd be able to do that with him. Howard wondered if that had ever happened to Carson and Kyan before. They said that hasn't happened and seemed surprised that it did.
Howard talked about the success of ''Queer Eye...'' for a short time. Howard also talked about how women seem to want guys to look gay and act gay until they get into bed. The guys said that they don't want to make Artie look gay or anything like that, they just want to make him look a little better.
Howard said he decided to get a make over after being fired from WNBC and had a gay guy help him out. He had a guy who really made him look gay by tying his shirt around his belly. He also put him in suede pants and a suede jacket that was really tacky. He was going on a TV show to do an interview and Shirley Hemphill ended up laughing at him in the green room. He ended up throwing the clothing out after that experience.
The guys said they're going to have Artie's hair cut but he doesn't want them to get him a ''fruity'' haircut. He said he has a gig out in Illinois and if he has a fruity hair cut, they'll kill him out there. Howard told him that no one is going to kill him just because he has a hair cut.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Carson and Kyan about the show and how that all got started. They told Artie that all 5 of the guys from the show are going to make him over. They talked about not being attracted to each other even though they're all gay. Howard said he figures that if he were gay, he'd be banging every guy he could. The guys said that they look at each other like they're brothers.
Evil David Letterman asked the guys who they'd rather have sexually, Liam Nieson or Tommy Lee. They said Tommy Lee of course. That led to the guys talking about how many guys they've had at one time and stuff like that. The guys said that they were going to take Artie to the Yankees store and get him some vintage clothes to wear. They also talked about getting him into a mud bath at a spa.
Howard wrapped up the segment and gave the guys a plug for ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' which airs on Bravo Tuesday nights at 10pm. Howard wished the guys luck with their mission to make Artie over today and then went to commercial break.
Howard took a call from the woman who called in earlier with the Hepatitis suggestion for Pam Anderson. The woman said she was upset with Howard for hanging up on her. Howard said that he gave her a chance to say what she wanted to say and that was it. He wondered what he did to anger her so much. She brought up the woman that Howard talked to yesterday for a half hour and seemed to think he should have spent more time with her. Howard didn't know what else he could do with her so he told her to take over the show for him for the rest of the show. He couldn't keep quiet for more than 1 second though so he continued to try and find out what it was she wanted. She was just upset that he spent so little time with a person who has such a serious problem. Howard said he didn't think she had anything else to add to the call so that's why he got off the phone. She kept bringing up the fact that she's dying. Howard told her he feels bad for her because it's really not fair. She said that's all she wanted to hear to begin with. Evil Dave asked her if she'd ''turned yellow'' yet from the Hepatitis. Howard told Dave that he was fired for asking such a question. The woman continued to complain about Howard not spending enough time talking to her. Howard told her he has to keep the show moving along, that's his job, and he doesn't have 20 minutes to spend with her. She got pissed and got off the phone a short time later. Howard said he felt he was being very compassionate when he told her he felt bad for her but she still wasn't satisfied.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and tried to explain to Howard what the woman's issue was. Howard and Robin told him not to explain something like that to them. Chaunce changed subjects a second later and said that there was a study done about grilling that says if you grill for a couple of hours, it's like smoking 22,000 cigarettes. Chaunce wasn't sure if that was grilling with a gas grill or with charcoal. Howard got the article a short time later and said they don't say exactly what type of grill it is. He said there were very few details in the article. He said he might just give up grilling just in case there is something to that study.
Howard had Robin move on to her news after that. Evil Dave stuck around to tell bad jokes and mispronounce some words.
Howard said he didn't even know where to begin this morning. He said a quick Good Morning and then tried to figure out where to start. He said the ''Queer Eye'' guys were there to talk about Artie's make over. Artie apparently got drunk to get his make over yesterday and the gay guys got upset. Howard gave a quick run down of what happened yesterday. He said the guys from ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' were in yesterday to do the make over on Artie. Kyan and Carson were the two that showed up on the show. They took Artie out after the show and went to a spa. Howard thinks Artie got depressed about his body and stuff so he started drinking when they went out to eat. He was apparently begging Doug (from E!) for a bottle of Jack Daniel's while they were out shopping. He said it turned into a whole thing with him. Howard had a clip of Artie moaning about not having his Jack Daniel's. He was slurring and kind of sounded a little more effeminate than he ever has. Howard also played a clip where he talks about wanting to put on a dress and let the guys screw him. Artie says he has enough liquor in him to ''F*** a gay guy.'' Artie wasn't in the studio yet because the gay guys were making him over for the show. Howard played a few more clips of a drunken Artie yelling about gay guys ''F***ing'' him and stuff like that. He even called them faggots at one point. He also says if someone gets him some more Jack he'll ''...F*** any fruit in the place!'' He just kept saying all kinds of stuff about cutting holes in a dress to get F'd. Howard seems to think that Artie might be gay.
A listener called in and said it's kind of weird that KC seems to be gay and now Artie is showing his gay side. Howard started thinking about all of the gay stuff that's been happening on the show lately. Fred had his gay thing a few years ago as well when he was just about making out with Gay Rich while he was drunk. Another caller said that Artie puts Fred and Gay Rich to shame. Howard said they'll have even more about this story a little later. One caller wanted to know when this was going to show up on E!. Howard wasn't sure but did say that it will be on his show and not on ''Queer Eye...'' which airs on Bravo, Tuesday nights at 10pm. Another caller said Artie should be fired for his behavior. While Howard was talking about that he mentioned that Jack Daniel's sent over this really cool money clip that he loves. It was free but he loves the thing. He said he needs like 10 more because he's afraid that it's going to break.
Howard took a call from this guy, Mike, who runs the old Camp Welmet web site. Howard spent a short time talking to him about that and said that the site is kind of slow. They need more money to get it on a faster system though. Howard said he might give them a little money to get that done. Howard talked to the guy who is the brother of a guy he went to school with. Mike talked about how he got married to a woman who he went to camp with years ago. That marriage didn't last but she'll be at the reunion. Howard said he may go to the reunion on the Saturday of the reunion weekend. He said he loved camp when he went and he may have to go to the reunion. He said there were a lot of chicks he had crushes on back then but he realizes that they're approaching 50 and might not look all that great now. He told Mike he'd get in touch with him later to find out more. Howard got off the phone with him and took a couple more calls before going to break. One guy said he smashed his coffee pot when he heard the Artie stuff. Another guy said he poured out all of his liquor when he heard it.
Robin was wondering what was up with Howard bringing his dog into work again today. Howard said everyone loves the dog but Robin said it's not a dog care center. Howard said it cheers everyone up and no one has a problem with it. He said there's no spirit around the station and the dog brings a little bit of that there. Howard said he never does things conventionally and why not bring the dog there. Gary pointed out it's only been twice in a year so far that he's brought the dog in to hang out for the day. They think that it might become a regular thing now. Howard said that might be true. Robin was complaining about the dog wandering around the place once in a while during the show. Howard thought that maybe it was stealing attention from Robin. She said she thinks that Howard might be the one who needs attention. Gary changed subjects and talked about how big Robin's boobs have been looking since she lost weight. He also said that her headlights are on quite often now as well. Robin said that's because it's so cold in that place all the time. Robin got back to the dog after that quick discussion. She told Howard that everyone there is going to get sick of the dog being around. He said it doesn't matter because he likes it and she's staying. Howard took a break a short time later.
Kyan and Carson came in to talk about this event after that. The guys said it was kind of pathetic that Artie was doing that. Howard told them that Artie has a problem when he drinks. He just can't stop once he starts. Howard had the guys bring Artie in a minute later. Howard said he liked what they did with Artie's hair and clothes. He was wearing some nice vintage jeans and t-shirt. Howard said he wouldn't have him tucking in his t-shirt though because it shows his belly. Artie told Howard that he has embraced the gay community. He also said he feels bad about what happened. He said these guys were really nice to him and he ended up getting loaded. He got kind of depressed about his body when he went to the spa they brought him to. He said that's when he started drinking. Howard brought up some of the things they did to Artie there at the spa and how they wrapped him up in some kind of cocoa wrap. Howard said someone described it as looking like a cow had taken a dump on him. Artie said that's exactly what it looked like. After the spa they took Artie to lunch. That's where he started drinking. Doug from E! said that they weren't even out of the car for a minute before Artie started drinking. They went out shopping after that and the owner of the store ended up getting them a bottle of Jack for Artie to drink. Artie said he knows his drinking is a problem and it's been a problem for years.
Howard said it was almost like Artie was badgering the guys about F***ing him. The guys thought it was kind of annoying. Howard told Artie he was being totally gay while he was drunk around the guys but Artie didn't think that was the fact. Carson said he had nightmares about it last night.
Doug wrote that Artie was ready to go to a bar when he called him at 8:30 last night. He went out drinking and didn't get home until 3 in the morning. He went out with some of the guys from work and had a good time drinking and listening to music all night.
Howard played a few more clips from the make over trip. Artie was really plastered as he talked about the ''fags'' he had been out with. Carson and Kyan were talking about how Artie passed out while he was getting his hair cut. Doug said Artie was walking around with his Jack and water as well as a bottle of beer in the other hand. Howard had a clip of Artie apologizing to the guys after getting drunk. He was telling the cameras why he got drunk after getting depressed with his body at the spa. Artie was apologizing to every ethnic group except the Arabs. He was rambling so much that Doug had to cut him off and change subjects. Artie was rambling about how he really likes gay guys and loves the TV show ''Friends'' and some other nonsense. The publicists for the guys were there and they got really upset about all of that so they tried to cut him off.
Howard said he wasn't sure what to make of the make over but they did a great job. Artie told them that he thought they did a great job as well. Howard told Artie he should wear this outfit for his stand-up act.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was great that Howard hired Artie for the show because this is classic stuff. He had to take a break a short time after that. He thanked Carson and Kyan for doing this and gave them a plug for ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' that airs on Bravo, Tuesday nights at 10pm. Howard said he has to have the guys back in to do a make over on Daniel Carver who is in the KKK. He went to commercial shortly after that.
Howard moved on to other stuff after that. He said he didn't know where to begin but started with some e-mail. He said he got a lot of e-mail about KC being on Prozac. Howard had a discussion with KC after the show and thought that he might be kidding about the stuff he was talking about. Since he wasn't kidding around Howard suggested that he go to a therapist to get some help. He said KC told him he hadn't been to a psychiatrist but had gone to a psychologist. KC came in and said he's not going to call Dominic's shrink. KC tells people that it was all a joke so they'll leave him alone. He couldn't do that to Howard though because if he lies to him, he'd be useless. Howard told KC he wants him to go to the shrink just once.
Gary came in and said that Dominic called him yesterday and scared the crap out of him telling him how KC could just snap one day. Dominic was on the phone a short time later to talk about the Prozac thing. It's no joke and KC shouldn't be on the drug without supervision. Robin told KC that when she had suicidal thoughts, she went and got help. KC said it's just not something he'd do but Robin said it was the same for her but she got help anyway. KC seems to think that everyone has thoughts of suicide and stuff like that but Dominic told him that he's never had thoughts like that. KC is also seeing things on TV when they don't exist. Dominic told him those are paranoid thoughts that he really needs to get some help for. He also told him it's perfectly normal to go and talk to someone about these thoughts. Howard said he really is kind of bothered by this stuff and wants him to get checked out. Robin said to make everyone there feel a little better, he really should go get some help. KC said that he's harmless and would never do anything to anyone there. Dominic told KC to at least go to his shrink to get a referral to another shrink if he doesn't want to go to this guy.
A guy claiming that he's a therapist said that KC really is a candidate for suicide and really needs to get some help. He went on to tell Howard that he works with one guy who has been cured by laughter listening to his show. He looked forward to listening to the show every morning and that has helped him go on. Howard thanked him for that and got back to KC. Gary came in and said that KC really doesn't have a good outlook on life. Gary said KC seems to think that the best part of his life has already happened so he doesn't have anything to look forward to. KC said he was joking around about that. General Manager Tom Chiusano came in and said that they may be able to get KC some help through the company if he can't afford one outside. KC just laughed when he heard that. Howard asked him to do him a favor and just go to this guy one time. KC said he'd do that for him. Tom gave KC an analogy comparing his cancer to KC's mental problems. He said he went to a General Physician about a lump he found. That doctor told him it was just a lump of fat. He didn't feel comfortable with that diagnosis so he went to another doctor who told him the same thing but also suggested he get checked out by another doctor. That doctor told him it was cancer and he'd die if he didn't get it checked out. KC has only gone to one doctor about his mental problems so maybe he needs to get checked by another one. Tom later told Howard that he got checked out recently and he's not going to be dying from cancer anytime soon.
Howard read some new stuff about the Kobe Bryant case. He said they're claiming that the sex was consensual at first but something happened and she thought that he raped her. Howard and Robin talked about that for a short time and then mentioned that this guy Raymond Norman (the ''Oprah Winfrey, Negro woman from the South'' guy) sent them another tape. This time he was talking about the Kobe Bryant case. He makes up these shows called ''Let's Get Real'' in his bedroom at home. He said he's very concerned with celebrities like this. Raymond has Christina Aguilera's ''Beautiful'' song playing in the background as he yells about the Kobe Bryant case and whether or not he's well hung. He rambles on and on about black genitalia for a minute in the tape. It was very bizarre. Raymond constantly says that he's just ''keeping it real'' through his ramblings.
A woman claiming to be a psychiatrist called in to talk about KC but Howard ended up asking her if she'd ever bang any of her clients. She said she works with children so that won't happen. She got to KC after that quick discussion. She said she feels that he really does need to see someone about his issues. Howard told her that KC told Tom that he will go to see someone about it. Howard thanked her for calling in. KC came in and said he'd like them to move on from that story. Howard got back to Raymond Norman for a few seconds and then took some other phone calls.
Big Black called in and said he's finally going to get a new apartment after living in a homeless shelter for the past couple of years. He was calling in to tell Howard that the delay was hit on the Raymond Norman thing earlier. Howard went nuts as he does when this kind of thing happens. He said that he's got to get out of that place and he's done working there when his contract is up in 2 years. Raymond mentioned ''vaginal area'' at one point and that may have been what was censored out of the show. Howard told KC that if he does snap that he should do it in Tom Chiusano's direction. Howard said he's given up on trying to stop them from censoring his show like that. He said he used to go back every day but doesn't do that now. Gary came in and told Howard what they censored out. It was when Raymond was talking about ''bruising during penetration'' in his discussions about Kobe Bryant. Howard talked about how ridiculous it is that they're censoring that. He said it really throws him off when they do that during the show. He had to take a break after going nuts over that.
Howard read that Daryl dated Quentin Tarrantino but she told him that wasn't true. She does star in his new movie, ''Kill Bill,'' but didn't date him. Howard read some other stuff about Daryl and the wacky stuff that has happened to her in her life. One thing said she was almost kidnapped and made a slave by some Arab guys. She told Howard that was many years ago. Howard and Artie did their Arab impressions and goofed on the thought of that. She said she was very naive back then and didn't know what was going on. Howard said he'd love to make a movie about that. He said that it's almost every guy's fantasy to have a chick like her as their slave girl.
Howard said Daryl was calling in to talk about her vegetable oil car. Robin and Howard have been talking about this during the week so Howard wanted to find out more about it. Daryl said it's actually called bio-diesel and they get the recycled oil over the web. She said you can use it in any diesel vehicle. She said her vehicle is actually a truck with a diesel engine in it. Howard also brought up the cars that will run on hydrogen. He said the car companies are ready to get those vehicles out on the road by the year 2010. Howard said he can't wait to see the day when this country doesn't have to rely on Arab oil. Daryl talked about how the stuff is non-toxic and you can mix it with regular diesel if you need to. She said it's also a renewable source of energy so it's ridiculous that we don't use it more in this country.
Howard ended up asking Daryl what she was wearing this morning. She said she was wearing shorts and a wife-beater t-shirt and no bra. Howard tried to get into that with her but it just wasn't happening. He asked her how her love life is going as well. She said she's not dating anyone right now. She got back to the biodiesel stuff after that though. She said if you have a pre-1990 vehicle you may have to change some hoses and if you live in cold areas, you have to add a heater to the engine so the oil doesn't coagulate. They talked a bit more and how great it would be if we started to use more of that here in the United States.
Howard asked Daryl when it was that she had her last boyfriend. She said she's busy working right now so she doesn't have time for that. Her last boyfriend was actually David Blaine. Howard and the guys talked about that relationship and how many chicks David Blaine can get. Howard said that if Blaine was her last boyfriend, she hasn't had one for about 2 years. She said that's about right. Howard thanked her for calling in a short time later and let her get in a plug for Grassolean.com where you can find out more about the biodiesel. Howard mentioned a couple of movies that she's appearing in as well. She's in ''Northfork'' and ''Kill Bill'' as well. He wrapped up the segment a short time later. Howard said Daryl sure sounds sexy on the phone.
Howard asked her about her lips and who did that. She said it was actually a friend of hers so she can't sue her. Artie told her that he loves the huge upper lip she has. She said she got sun poisoning and it made them look even worse.
Howard asked her what kind of jobs she's been on. She said she's been to 16 interviews for everything from a dental assistant to a beauty salon receptionist and they all turned her down. Lisa said she used to make pretty good money stripping but it wasn't that great. Howard tried to find out how she pays her bills and she mentioned something about having a ''friend'' who helps her pay her bills. Howard tried to figure out why she left stripping if she was making good money. She said that guys want more than just dancing these days and the money has gone down a bit. She told Howard about this guy who helps support her as well. She said she doesn't bang the guy and never did. She said she's not into guys that much anyway. She told Howard that she does ''play with'' this guy maybe using her hand on him a couple of times. She said she doesn't do it all the time though.
KC came in and said that she might want to try doing something like telemarketing where people don't have to see her. The subject changed immediately when Howard said he wanted to meet this guy that supports Lisa. Gary came in and told Howard that he didn't want to be met so he wasn't going to come in. Howard asked if they could have him call in from the green room instead. Gary went out to see if they cold make that happen. Howard continued to talk to Lisa for a short time and let her say that she's looking for a job and anyone out there who can give her something can contact her. She said she can type 50-60 words per minute and knows Microsoft Word. Howard gave her a plug for her e-mail address where you can contract her if you have a job for her LiLiLi234@aol.com. Howard asked her why she hasn't gone to a temp agency or something to find a job. She said she has done that and they couldn't get her anything either.
Howard took some phone calls for her before ending the segment. A couple of guys called in to say a few things to her. One guy said that all strippers are liars and whores. She said she's really not either of those things and that's why she's getting out of the business. A couple of guys called in with job offers. One of them was ''planting tulips'' which turned out to be ''planting two lips on my balls.''
Howard wrapped up the segment with Lisa and said that they put the pictures of Stuttering John's toenails and Scott the Engineer's cigarette stained fingers on HowardStern.com. You can check those out while they're up.
Howard spoke to the girls about this hunt and how much money they can make. One of the girls told Howard how they get a certain amount if they don't get shot and extra money for collecting flags. The woman said she has never been hit by a paintball so she doesn't know if it hurts or not. Another one of the girls, Julia, said she has been hit in the butt by a paintball. She said it didn't hurt but did leave a welt on her ass. She said she doesn't have a job right now but she's trying to get into the acting business. Howard said her breasts were pretty big so he wondered if she's afraid of getting shot there. Of course she's worried about that. One of the women, Shawna, sounded kind of like a guy so Howard asked her if she has always been a woman. She said ''no'' and that she's a transsexual. She still has a penis though so she's not really a transsexual. She's working toward that though. She said she hasn't been shot yet in the game.
Gary said he thought the whole idea of the game was to shoot the girl and then you get to have sex with her. Michael and Howard said that's not true at all. Howard spoke to one other girl after that for a few seconds.
Michael told Howard that they've had some trouble with their web site getting shut down and with credit card companies not letting them charge stuff because of the news stories that were out there. A listener called in and said the whole thing is a scam and all they want to do is sell video tapes of their hunts. Michael said they've always wanted to sell tapes but the hunts are real. You can find out more at HuntingForBambi.com. Shawna, the transsexual, also got in a plug for her web site ShawnaVegas.com. Michael said that just in case their web site goes down for some reason, you can also get their videos at IWantFreeXXX.com or FU.tv.
Artie asked if he could throw stuff at the girls while they ran around the studio. The girls didn't mind so he went ahead and threw a bunch of stuff at them as the were running around. Howard said it was pretty exciting and Artie was pretty good at it. Artie said the transsexual guy looked like he was going to kill him when Michael told them to go ahead and attack him. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later. Robin said she still wasn't sure that this was a real thing though. Howard said even if it wasn't, it's taken off so much that they may have to have a real hunt now. He went to commercial break a short time later.