Howard said he and Gary were talking about last night's ''Survivor'' and how crazy it was. He said it was quite a ''shocker'' to him. Howard wondered how Jenna won the thing. He also pointed out how Jenna was always talking about being a swimsuit model but she was the size of a house last night. Gary was also saying how Heidi looked horrible on the show last night. Howard said he thought she was pretty hot after she came on the show last week. Artie said he thought she was kind of a ''butter face.'' Gary also pointed out that Jeff Probst called Rob the ''best player never to win the game.'' Howard was confused about the vote and how Jenna got 6 out of the 7 votes in the game after so many people said that would never happen. Robin said it was like everyone loses their mind by the end of the game. Gary said that it really was wacky how everyone voted and they never explain why people changed their votes. Howard said he was so pissed that Jenna won that he almost ripped his own hair out. Howard and the guys tried to figure out what happened but there was a lot of stuff that really wasn't explained in the game. Robin thought it was kind of weird how Jeff Probst drove off on a jet ski and they made it look like he drove it all the way into New York and then took a subway to the live show.
A listener called in and brought up how the ''Beverly Hills 90210'' reunion show was on last night and it was horrible. Howard said he missed it so he doesn't know how bad it was. Another caller told Howard to stop talking about ''Survivor'' because it was too gay. He said they sounded like a bunch of girls. Howard ended up getting pissed and said they'd try to figure out what the caller was into instead. He hung up on him and got back to the ''Survivor'' thing. One caller mentioned how Artie just doesn't care about that show. Gary said he's talked to Artie about that and he's just never going to watch the show.
A listener called in and asked Howard why he's there on the show today. There was a camera man outside waiting to interview him about the comments he made about how he wanted to walk out on the show after Tom Chiusano edited out some comments he made about Les Moonves recently. Howard threatened to walk off the show but he ended up coming in. Howard said Tom said he had a lapse in judgement so Howard told him to just leave his show alone already. He doesn't want to talk to him about that stuff after doing the show. He has two and a half years left on his contract and he just wants to get through that. Howard said the guy with the camera was from ''Celebrity Justice'' and he had no desire to talk to him at all. He said it's just another lame TV show that has nothing better to cover. Howard said that show is under the company Telepictures which is the company he's suing over ''Are You Hot?'' ripping him off. He pointed that out and said they should cover that case instead of his threats to walk out on his show. Howard said he's going to send out a camera crew to get video of the guys that run that company if they don't get the ''Celebrity Justice'' cameras off of him. Howard said he'll send out High Pitch Erik to interview them. Artie said they got him on camera but he just gave them a ''No comment.''
A listener called in and said that Howard was really irritated this morning. Howard said he stayed up last night to watch ''Survivor'' and was pissed about that and all of this other crap so he was crabby. The guy continued to complain about Howard sounding crabby so Howard told him to stop listening if he didn't like it. The guy said he's been listening for 20 years and he's a huge fan. Howard told him to go listen to someone else and hung up on him.
Robin asked Howard what the news was about Program Director Steve Kingston last week. Howard said he wasn't sure if he could talk about it on the air so he didn't want to get into it. He just said the news he got was kind of depressing though.
Howard had to take a break but he said they have Jenna Jameson (Videos!), Tabitha Stevens (Videos!), the Shaved or Unshaved game and Jimmy Kimmel coming in later this week. He's got Sarah Silverman coming in later this morning.
Howard said that Gary went to see the new Eddie Murphy movie ''Daddy Day Care'' and it wasn't too bad. Gary said he thought it was just ''okay'' even though it got horrible reviews. He said it was a good family movie. Robin heard it was ''cute'' from some friends of hers. Howard said it's depressing that such a great talent like Eddie Murphy is doing movies like that. Gary said going to the movies cost him like $55 with just his kids. He said the food is ridiculous and the cost of a movie is way high. Howard told him to just bring his own food instead. Howard and Stuttering John goofed on Gary about Mother's Day and how he had to take the kids out shopping for a gift and stuff like that. Howard was amazed that Gary puts in so many hours after working on the show for his wife. Gary said he and the kids made breakfast for her in bed Sunday morning and then took her out to dinner last night. Gary said he watched the kids while his wife went out on Friday night as well. Howard told him he's nuts and should have some time on his own. Gary ended up giving Howard a full run down of what he did on Friday. He said he got home around 4:15 in the afternoon. He said Mary was in her car by 4:19 leaving the house. Stuttering John was laughing already and made car tire screeching sounds when he said that. Fred threw in a real sound effect to make it more realistic. Gary went on to talk about making the kids dinner and how he went out and had some sushi later on. Gary said he ended up taking care of the kids until Saturday afternoon because his wife was out on Long Island doing her own thing. Gary got back to his schedule and talked about the stuff his kids did and how they went out and got her a gift. Howard was blown away that he bought her a gift after she left him alone with the kids half the weekend. Howard said he'd never have done that for his wife. Gary said he watch TV Friday night with the kids and the next morning, he made breakfast for them. Howard said he'd want his wife home to make them breakfast because he works all week long to make money for them. Gary continued telling Howard how he was running the kids all over the place to games and stuff like that. Howard asked Gary if he'd rather be at work or at home. Gary said there are times when he'd rather be at work than home. Howard said there should be no time that he wants to be at work instead of home. Gary said he got some time on his own on Saturday afternoon when his wife came home. He went out shopping for some electronics for his house. Gary said he went out to dinner Saturday night with some friends and then Sunday morning he and the kids made his wife some breakfast in bed. They hung around during the day and went out to dinner that night. Howard and John continued to goof on Gary for a couple of minutes. Gary figured that Howard's girlfriend and John's wife probably find them to be the worst. Howard said Gary could call his ex-wife and she'd say that she was treated just fine while he was married to her. He said she never had to cook a meal or anything like that. They had people to take care of that. Howard said he was able to have some fun with his kids during that time but it was on his terms, not on his wife's terms. Gary defended himself and said that his wife does spend a lot of time doing stuff for the kids so she does deserve a break once in a while. Robin got in on the conversation and said that Gary should be able to go home after work on a Friday and just have some time alone to himself. Stuttering John said he's able to get some time to himself when he's home. He said he has a Nanny that takes care of the kids so he's able to go out and do his thing when he wants. John and Howard were rubbing Gary's face in all of this but Gary said he's just fine with all of this stuff. Howard said he could tell that Gary was irritated by all of this stuff but he's not going to complain about it. Stuttering John asked him if he even had any ''Mother's Day sex'' this weekend. Gary said that's not what you do to your wife and kids on Mother's Day. Gary said he did pleasure himself on Friday night. His wife wasn't around so he couldn't do her. Howard said he feels sorry for Gary. John said he can't wait to hear what Mary does for Gary on Father's Day. Artie joked that she'll be home by noon on that Saturday instead of 1 o'clock like she was this weekend.
Gary changed subjects and said that he saw this report from Celebrity Justice that made it look like Howard was going to be fired or something over the weekend. Howard said he will fight back if he sees cameras from that show following him around again. He said he's going to put cameras on the guys from Telepictures and on Scott Einziger and Mike Fleiss if they don't put a stop to it. Howard said it seems like they're just harassing him while he's got this lawsuit against them all. Gary said he's got another problem with people from 20/20 calling about a stockbroker that they may have known about 8 years ago. His partner may have been doing some stuff wrong and they want to interview the two of them about it. Gary and John had no idea about what was going on back then though. Howard talked about how John used to hook up with a bunch of stockbrokers back then and tried to get other people from the show in on some of the deals he was doing. They spent a short time talking about that stuff before Howard had to take another break.
Howard said Gary was invited to the CBS Upfront the other day where they have new shows and new stars from the network greeting affiliates and stuff like that. Howard said he didn't want to go because Les Moonves was going to be there and he can't stand to look him in the face anymore. He's a two faced snake according to Howard. Robin suggested saying ''hi'' to him twice, once to each face. Howard talked about how Les told him to go ahead with his lawsuit against Mike Fleiss and Scott Einziger and then turns around and hires them to work for CBS. Gary said he doesn't want to go to that CBS thing because of the whole Les Moonves thing. He thinks that people would be coming up to him saying weird stuff so he doesn't want anything to do with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted Howard to go through some of the sound effects they play on the show. Specifically he wanted to know who the ''Yeah, yeah.'' sound effect was. Howard told him that's Robert Duvall from the last time he was on. The caller also wanted to know what Howard is going to do when his contract is up. Howard said he's got plenty of stuff going on with his production company and stuff like that.
Howard had a new commercial parody to play. This one was called ''The Matrix Retarded'' featuring Gary the Retard. Howard played that and said he's going to a screening of the real ''Matrix Reloaded'' tomorrow. Robin said she pulled out the original ''Matrix'' to make sure she's up to date on what's going on. She asked Howard a few questions about that movie and he was able to answer a couple of the questions. Howard said he can't wait to see the new one. They've also already shot the third one and that will be out in November.
Howard brought up the story about Jack Nicholson getting up and yelling at an official during a basketball game last Friday. Howard said no one even bothered to talk to him when he did that. He actually yelled at the official on the court and wasn't taken away. Howard said Dyan Cannon high-fived him when he sat down next to her after yelling at the official. Howard goofed on Dyan Cannon a little bit and talked about some of the other strange stuff that went on around Jack. Artie said Jack had his kid there and he was decked out in a full Lakers outfit. They talked about how weird it is to see Nicholson with a kid that young.
Howard goofed on Tom Chiusano about a few things and brought up how pissed off he is that he ''hit the (delay) button'' on him for some comments on he made about Les Moonves. He spent a minute on that before he read that Kelsey Grammer is pissed at them and won't do the show anymore. Robin said she had no idea that was going on. Howard read an article about Kelsey who says he's not doing the show anymore because of the Irritable Bowel Syndrome comments he made about his wife Camille. Howard said he just told Camille to call Dr. John Sarno about her problem because he seems to think it's a mental thing. They talked about how Gilbert Gottfried was goofing on Camille's problem one day and that may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Howard had to take another break after that quick discussion.
A woman called in and said she just lost her boyfriend recently. He passed away for some reason. She ended up telling Artie that he should take it easy with his partying because it's goign to catch up with him some day. Howard said Artie knows that and that's why he keeps partying. Howard wanted to get back to Rick and ask him more about his cancer. Robin eventually came around and figured out that he might not be lying. Captain Janks called in a minute later and told the guy that he has to be strong and just deal with it. He said what doesn't kill you only serves to make him stronger. The guy started to cry again after hearing that. Janks wanted to send Rick his phony phone call CD but Howard told him that's not what the guy needs. Howard got Janks off the phone and told Rick that things will get better for him and he shouldn't do anything stupid. Artie told the guy he'd buy him a sandwich when he's up in Boston in a couple of weeks. He said he'd buy him dinner the night he's doing one of his comedy shows. Artie said he'll buy him a chicken parm sub or something like that. Howard and Robin talked about the guy's crying and how a lot of guys won't cry like that. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that maybe there's a doctor out there who will hook Rick up with some of those drugs he needs. Fred played the crow cawing sound effects in the background as Artie did some impressions of Mariann as well. Howard said he heard that Mariann can now be booked for appearances at JollyDwarf.com. She said she sings the National Anthem. Howard was surprised that she and John the Stutterer can be booked for gigs now.
Howard read through a few other quick news stories. The ''Survivor'' thing was mentioned and Howard went off on how he hated Jenna in the show... but she's supposed to be on the show tomorrow.
Howard said he can't wait to go see ''The Matrix Reloaded'' tomorrow. Even Artie said he can't wait. He loved the first one as Howard did. They also got into some TV show discussions. Howard said ''Angel'' has been great and they're talking about ending that. Howard said they have to bring that back. He said he hasn't liked the ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' shows lately. He's interested in seeing the ''Dawson's Creek'' series finale though. He said the creator takes it into the future and tells the viewers what happens to the characters then.
Gary came in and said that the reviews of ''The Matrix Reloaded'' has gotten some great reviews. He said that one reviewer said it blows away the first one.
Howard talked about taking his mother out to dinner on Friday for an early Mother's Day dinner. He didn't want to deal with traffic on Sunday. He said they all went out to this place '222' and had a nice meal. Howard said his father has finally decided to get hearing aids. He said his father doesn't want to get hearing said because he thinks that he's not losing his hearing. Howard said he claims that he can hear the TV just fine but his mother says that it's so loud that she has to take a break from it sometimes. Howard talked about how they have to yell to his father at dinner and they actually got a private room at the restaurant so no one else would have to hear their conversations. Howard said it must have sounded like World War II in that room because they were all yelling. Howard said the hearing said will help a lot.
Howard said Beth heard about the guy who called in last week and said she looks like a man and was upset about that. He said his father told her that if she looks like a man, then he's gay. Howard said Beth gets freaked out by negativity like that when she hears about it.
Howard changed subjects and talked about how over in England, their ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire,'' has some controversy surrounding it. Someone apparently cheated to win a million bucks. Howard said he had a couple of people in the crowd coughing a certain number of coughs to give him the right answer. They ended up going to court over it and the show didn't have to pay them the million bucks.
Howard took his daughter's out to dinner over the weekend to celebrate their birthdays. He said he gave his daughter Emily a bracelet and his daughter Debra got a car. She just started driving and she's younger than Emily. He said Emily never bothered to get a license because she lives in the city. Howard said he has a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old now. He can't believe it himself. He said he has to set his age limit for chicks he'd bang a little higher now that his daughter is 20. Howard said he went out to a concert with his oldest daughter one night and someone reported that he was out with a ''mystery brunette.'' It was just his daughter though. He said that creeped out both of them.
Howard said Debra is actually a very good driver and she was driving him around over the weekend. Robin told Howard a story about a guy who was so drunk he hit someone and had no idea what happened. She said if something like that happened with his daughter, it would be all over the news. Howard said if his daughters were like the Hilton Sisters, he'd have to kill himself. He said if his kids were professional partiers, he'd be really embarrassed. Howard bragged that his kids are great so far and haven't done anything stupid.
Artie told Howard that he and Dana rented ''Maid in Manhattan'' over the weekend and he actually enjoyed it. He said he did run out of the room once in a while to get the Yankees score. He said Dana got a little upset about that but the movie is one of those things you can miss a couple of minutes of and no miss that much. Howard said he caught up on a lot of shows like ''Angel'' and ''Buffy'' this weekend. He said he tried watching some news but it was too depressing so he had to watch his other stuff.
Howard brought in comedian Sarah Silverman. Howard said a lot of guys are surprised that she's as good looking as she as being a comedian. Artie said that it's amazing that she's as good looking as she is and as funny as she is. Howard said comedians Elaine Boozler, Phyllis Diller and women like that are funny because they're funny looking. Sarah doesn't have that going for her because she's good looking. Sarah said that Howard has a good looking girlfriend but he said it's not because he's good looking. It's because he's so charming. Sarah told Howard he's got good teeth but he told her they're all fake. He told her how his parents wouldn't get him braces or even let him use novocaine when he went to the dentist as a child. Sarah called his mother a douche bag but Howard told her to take it easy. Sarah told Howard he has nice hair though. That he took as a compliment.
Howard picked up on the fact that Sarah seems to date a lot of comedians. She said that's because she is one and that's who she meets. Howard told her she could date other people outside the industry. Howard said she's dating Jimmy Kimmel now and had to ask her about that. He asked her if Jimmy really didn't cheat on his wife with her before they were divorced. Sarah said she met him and he didn't cheat on his wife. Howard asked her about meeting Jimmy's kids too. She said she did finally meet the kids but doesn't want to be called ''mommy.'' She wants to be known as ''fun mommy.'' Sarah went on to tell Howard about how Jimmy didn't sleep with all that many women in his life before he got married. He's only been with like two other women so she wants him to go out and experience other women. She joked that she wants to lose him to another woman so he can get out there and get laid. Howard asked her how long it took before Jimmy hooked up with her. She said they were friends for a while and hung out and watched movies together. She said they were buddy-buddy for a while and their first kiss was very romantic. She said their noses touched for about 45 minutes before they really kissed. She said they discovered that they had the same favorite movie which was ''The One and Only.'' She said the movie is from the 70's and that's what they were watching when they had their first kiss. She said Jimmy was stroking her hair during the movie. Howard asked if it was like he was petting a dog. She said that he was actually licking her ass like a dog. She was joking of course. Sarah said that Jimmy's penis is really huge too and it's so big that she needs two vaginas. Howard said he knows that's not true because Jimmy has something wrong with his penis. She swore that it really is huge though. Artie thought that was the coolest thing that a chick could say on the air.
Sarah talked about meeting Jimmy's parents and how cool his mother was. Howard asked her if she could picture herself marrying Jimmy. She said she could imagine herself marrying his mother.
Howard read that Sarah dated comedian Dave Attell. She said he was like her first real boyfriend. They're not really friends but she wishes him the best. She said he was really nice to her but they can't really hang out. She said he would use his apartment floor as his ashtray. She said when they first met he didn't even smoke and had never smoked. She said he didn't drink very often either. Now he does both.
Howard said Sarah also dated Colin Quinn who recently revealed that he had sex with a cat. Sarah said that means it's like she had sex with a cat. She told Howard that she was about 19 when she dated Colin and he was like 29 or 30 at the time.
Howard asked Sarah where her relationship with Jimmy is going. She joked that they're going to be a ''show business team.'' She said she really does love him though.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her one woman show called ''Jesus is Magic.'' She's doing that at the Zipper Theater in Manhattan from May 13th to the 24th. Call (212) 239-6200 for more info.
Howard asked Sarah a few more questions about Jimmy. She told Howard that Jimmy actually gets mad at her when she suggests that he go out and get some other women. She said he's just not that type of guy.
Howard also asked Sarah about growing up in New Hampshire as pretty much the only Jew in town. She said people would call her names because she was a Jew. Howard said it would be cool to date a chick comedian. She could write some material for him. Artie told Howard about this joke about Mexicans that she told one time and it went something like ''I gave oral to a Mexican last week and I've had diarrhea for a week now.'' She said she has other jokes about Mexicans she tells instead. She told one about how ''filthy'' they are and Howard figured she was just joking. She didn't say she was though.
Howard asked Sarah if she's the type of girl who would play ''dirty little whore'' with Jimmy. She said they do have some games they play together. She talked to Howard about sexy outfits and stuff like that. She said she will wear stuff like that for Jimmy as a treat once in a while. She doesn't like to wear stuff like that all the time because he'd get tired of it.
Howard asked Sarah if she shaves down her whole ''area.'' She said she shaves everything facing the floor but she can't pull off the fully shaved look. She said some vaginas can pull that off but not hers.
Artie told Howard that Sarah has a hot sister who is also in comedy. Her name is Laura Silverman and she was the voice of Laura in the Dr. Katz cartoons on Comedy Central. Artie said she's really funny too.
Gary ran in and asked Sarah if she's ever done any lesbian stuff. She thought about it for a few seconds and said she hasn't. She had to think back about everything she's done to figure out if anything could be considered lesbian stuff.
Sarah said that Jimmy is in town with her until Wednesday and then flies back on Saturday to be with her again while she's there. Howard said Jimmy's ex-wife must hate her because Jimmy is flying all over the country to be with her. Sarah said she has met Jimmy's wife before and they seemed to have a great dynamic together out in public but in private it must have just fallen apart. Howard gave her a plug for her one woman show and wrapped up the interview.
Howard said he just got the official press release about their program director Steve Kingston and how he's leaving their radio station to go program WNEW. Howard said it's upsetting news because the guy was doing a good job and the new guy they're bringing in has never even programmed a radio station before. Howard said that means Tom Chiusano will now be bossing around this new guy so it'll be like Tom is programming the station himself. Howard wondered why Tom can't be the one who's leaving the station, not Steve. He said he's really bummed about it and he doesn't even know why he's worried about the rest of the station. He said all of the good people leave his station. Robin told Howard times will change but he said they'll probably change for the worst. This new program director is only 25 years old. Howard went on to read the press release. He read some of the quotes from everyone involved. The new guy, Robert Cross, is coming from KROQ out in L.A. and claims he's looking forward to working with Tom Chiusano. Howard said that's got to be a lie because he's never met Tom. Howard said the guy has actually been working at the station for a little while but he hasn't been introduced yet. Howard said he's glad they haven't introduced him yet and he doesn't want them to introduce him.
Howard changed subjects and said they found a Klingon language web site at KLI.org. He read some quotes of the phony language and goofed on the people who use it. Artie thought it was impossible that people would actually learn that language and speak it fluently. Robin told him it's true though. After talking about that for a little while, Howard had Robin get to her news. During the news Tom Chiusano came in and talked to Howard a little bit about what was going on. He also told Howard ''F-U'' to the comments he'd made about him earlier in the show. Howard tried to get some answers out of Tom but he just didn't seem interested in giving him a straight answer. After Tom left the studio Howard said the station is doomed. Fred played ''Taps'' in the background after he said that.
Howard started off the show talking about how good Green Day was in that opening song they played. He also said that Chris Rock is great too. Howard said they have Jenna and Rob from ''Survivor'' coming in this morning. He said they were trying to get the deaf girl, Christy, to come in too but that won't be happening because she needs an interpreter. Howard said Trinity the porn chick will also be in. She's the one who wouldn't bang the black dude out in Las Vegas. Howard talked about Jimmy Kimmel and his girlfriend Sarah Silverman for a minute and ended up singing a little bit of Roger Alan Wade's ''Sweet Poon Tang.'' He said his agent informed him that he and Roger are in business together and they'll be putting out that album eventually.
Howard spent a minute talking about Chris Rock and then moved on to some news that was making headlines this morning. He brought up the fact that some of our troops are still being attacked over in Saudi Arabia. He also said that Ray Romano is going to be getting $1.8 million per episode for ''Everybody Loves Raymond'' next year. Howard said that's nothing because when the show is in syndication, they get even more money. Artie talked about how he knew Ray Romano back in the days when he was making about the same amount of money he was. Now Ray's making $40 million a year and Artie is still doing comedy gigs. Howard talked about how Ray got his big hit when David Letterman and his production company thought he was great and decided to produce that show of his. Howard said he's not sure how much the production company makes from the show though.
Howard was having some trouble with some extra noise in the studio this morning so he spent a couple of minutes trying to figure that out. They found that there were some open headphones making the noise. Fred had Howard's father's ''Testing, testing, ONE TWO'' tape playing while they were checking that out. Howard said his father complains about Ralph goofing on him sometimes so he had to explain to him that he has this odd accent sometimes when he speaks and Ralph is picking up on that.
Howard was pissed that his breakfast wasn't there yet so he flipped out on Gary. Gary said KC was running a little late and the food would be there in a little while before the end of his first break. Howard said Gary doesn't know when he's going to take his break though so he doesn't know when that will happen. Gary told Howard that he really is his punching bag. Howard and Robin talked about that with him for a short time before Howard moved on. He said that he's back up to 203 pounds and he can't lose his weight. He said he's sick of worrying about his weight. He can't even wear his pants though. He's got a belly he just can't get rid of. Artie said he tries to eat just a lunch and tries to skip dinner so he gets tired and doesn't eat. He said he'll wake up late at night though, and want to eat something at 2 in the morning. Howard said he'll never take dieting advice from Artie though. He said Ralph tries to give him dieting advice as well but he's got all day to just sit around doing nothing. Howard said he's not going to take dieting advice from Ralph either. He said Ralph was sleeping for days after the Las Vegas trip. He said he wanted Ralph to show up early in the morning while he's at work to unpack his stuff but he ended up showing up at two in the afternoon. Howard said he doesn't want to see Ralph at his place when he gets home.
Howard talked about how depressed he is that Program Director Steve Kingston left his station. He said he called this guy Scott Herman who is management in their company to find out what's going on with all of that. Gary came in and talked to Howard about all of these management guys in their company and how they manage different parts of the country. Howard said he was instrumental in bringing Steve Kingston to his station and he thinks that Steve was just tired of dealing with Tom Chiusano. Howard's breakfast showed up around this time so he decided to take his break so he could shove that down his throat while it was still warm. He said he'd get back to that story after the break.
Howard read through some e-mail they got about Sarah Silverman who was on the show yesterday. He said about 40 percent of the writers liked her and 60 percent hated her. Some of the hate mail was really nasty. Howard said it's true of every guest that the audience is mixed. Some people wrote in about Gary and his wife Mary and how whipped Gary is. Some people said that Howard should leave Gary alone because he's a ''real father'' unlike Howard. He went through a bunch of mail like that and a lot of people seem to think Howard is a horrible father as well as Stuttering John. Howard said he spent a lot of time with his kids, he was just trying to make a point about Gary yesterday. He said he just didn't sit there and not get help from his wife when he was at home. He said that's what Gary does. Howard said Gary acts as a nanny while his wife takes time off for herself after Gary works a full week of work at the radio station. Gary came in and said that he only cooked one meal for his kids this past weekend. Howard said his wife should be doing those chores since Gary is the one making the money and working hard. Howard said he was up at 4 in the morning during the week and he wasn't going to get up that early on the weekends so his wife was the one doing the chores around the house... when he was married. Gary asked Fred what he did on the weekend. Fred said Saturday morning he went to the gym and took a motorcycle ride. He wasn't staying home doing chores. Howard said if Mary was the one making all of the money then he could see Gary helping out around the house. That's not the case though.
Howard asked Gary what percentage of the chores around the house he actually does. Gary said he wasn't sure what Howard meant by chores so he didn't really have an answer. He doesn't have to do stuff like the laundry. He spends time with the kids and takes them to their sporting events and stuff like that. Stuttering John came in and said Gary complains about this stuff pretty often. They also pointed out how Gary is always the one chasing the kids around at parties they've seen him at. Mary sits there having a drink or something while Gary runs around. Gary said sometimes he gets upset about things but it doesn't happen all the time. Howard said Gary seems very depressed, he smokes and eats too much and that's why they're worried about him. Howard said John's wife appreciates the fact that John goes out to comedy gigs and brings home even more money. Gary's wife doesn't seem to appreciate that from what the guys can tell. They talked about how Gary seems like a ''battered husband'' because of the way he's treated. He should be treated like a king but he's not. John said when he was out in Vegas he was working really hard so he wondered if he got anything extra when he got home. Gary said ''No... no.'' Howard told Gary to just tell his wife that he works his ass off when he's on the show and that's why he gets to go to places like Nobu. Gary thought he should stop telling her that he goes out to places like that because it sounds too fun. Howard told him not to worry about it being fun, just tell her that he gets to do fun stuff because he works his ass off. Gary said he actually enjoys doing things like ''Hollywood Squares'' and appearances at car dealers. He makes money doing those things so his wife should appreciate that according to Howard and John. Howard and John gave him a lot of advice about what to do. They also pointed out a lot of the things that his wife has said to him over the years that make it sound like she doesn't appreciate what he does. Howard said he's the one ''doing it all'' for the family and he's not appreciated.
Howard said Jenna and Rob from ''Survivor'' were there so he had to get to them. Gary said he heard Howard is going to be surprised because Jenna is only 106 pounds. Yesterday he was saying that she's fat after seeing her live on Sunday night's season finale. Howard took a break so he could get to them next.
Howard talked about how good Rob was on the show and even Jenna said he was great. Jenna said she didn't take Rob with her to the end because she knew that he'd kick her ass in the end. Rob said that he watches a lot of ''Survivor'' and even wrote his Senior Thesis on reality TV. Howard asked him if he ever gets laid because he came off as a loser on the show. Rob said he does get laid and he's not a loser. Jenna said that she's tried to get Rob but he always disses her. She claims that she's offered to take him up to her room to make out and he turns her down. Jenna is a tease according to Rob. She said she'd go out with him in a sexual way if he asked. Rob apparently has a girlfriend though. That's what the hold up is. Rob says that she's a liar and if he said yes, she'd say ''just kidding.'' Rob said she and Heidi were always saying they'd have a threesome with him if he wanted but he thinks they're lying. Howard asked Jenna to make out with him right then but she backed out. It's a game she plays with him. She said she doesn't want to make out with him on TV. She kept saying that she is attracted to him but doesn't want to do that on TV. Rob said he gets one of his sister's friends who's really hot.
Howard asked Jenna about her swimsuit modeling. She claims that she's modeled for Venus Swimwear and some other stuff. Howard said they've researched her and couldn't find anything. She said that's just a part time thing and she's actually a student but that sounds boring. She also claims that her breasts are real. Howard didn't seem to have a problem accepting that. He asked her if she's ever gotten laid. She said of course she has, she's 22 years old.
Howard asked Rob what he did in his audition tape for ''Survivor.'' He said he was writing a letter or something and didn't understand what they saw in him that made the producers think he'd last out there in the jungle. Howard said Jeff Probst thought that Rob would be the second one voted off the show. Even Rob thought he'd be the second one voted off.
Rob and Jenna talked about their bathroom habits out in the jungle for a couple of minutes. They also talked about how they edited the show and how they made it look like Jenna was hated toward the end of the show. Then she grabbed 6 out of the 7 final votes. Howard told the two of them that this was the greatest season of ''Survivor'' yet and it was all because of Rob. He liked Rob and thought he should have won.
Gary came in and said they found some pictures of Jenna on the web and they were going to show them. Gary also asked Jenna if she was willing to get into a bathing suit. She said it was ''to early in the morning'' to do that. Even Rob goofed on her for not being able to ''change clothes'' early in the morning.
Howard took some phone calls for the two of them and one woman asked Jenna why she was so obnoxious. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and yelled at Jenna for a minute. She said Jenna didn't pick Rob to go with her to the finals because she knew she didn't have a chance. Jenna had said that earlier in the interview so she was just saying what Jenna admitted to already. Rob said he would have done the show even if he had to play for free.
Howard told Jenna really didn't look fat this morning even though she looked fat on Sunday's season finale. Jenna and Rob said Howard is probably just used to seeing them emaciated. Howard asked the two of them if there was any fooling around out there in the jungle. They figured someone had to have fooled around but they were't sure. Rob said he tried to get close to Heidi but every time he thought she was getting close to him, there'd be another guy on the other side of her sleeping.
Stuttering John came in and had Rob talk about how he thinks Christy might have voted the wrong way in the finals. Rob said that he thinks she may have read Jeff's lips wrong and thought she was voting Jenna out in the end. She was really upset with Jenna and Heidi when she got voted out so it didn't make a lot of sense when she voted for her to win.
Howard took some more phone calls for the two of them and some people yelled at Jenna for being the winner. There were also a couple of callers who told her to just sleep with Rob already. There were a few people who congratulated Jenna on her win. One guy asked her if she shaves and also asked about how her feet were. Howard checked out her foot and said that she has the second toe that's longer than the big toe. Rob told her that she can get that taken care of. He became Ralph for a minute and critiqued her a little bit. He said she's got nice boobs, a nice ass and stuff like that. Jenna told Howard that she doesn't like hair and shaves down completely.
Gary came in and said that he read some stuff on the web about Jenna and there are some web sites that feature her and they say some nice stuff about her. One site said that when Jenna walks into a bar, the place gets really quiet except for the loud music.
Howard asked Rob what he's going to do in his life. Rob said he'd like to work in TV doing something but he's really not sure at this point. He's got some computer experience and stuff like that behind him so he should be able to find something. Howard said Jenna has been in FHM magazine in the past. He spent a couple of minutes more talking to her about her mother and stuff like that. Howard told her he's sorry to hear about her mother's cancer. A minute later he was asking her if she's ever tried anal sex. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later. He congratulated Jenna again on her million dollar win. He took one last call from a guy who claimed he'd banged Jenna years ago. He turned out to be a phony though.
This porn star Trinity was on the show when they were out in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago. She ended up backing out of a ''date'' with a black guy because she didn't want to lose money in the porn industry. Howard had her on the phone to talk about that. She said she was afraid to have sex with a black guy because they're so ''big'' in the pants. Howard wondered what the real reason was and who was telling her not to do it. She said people she works for tell her that she can't do black guys. She said that it would lower her pay for some reason. She said she gets good money to do anal sex movies and stuff. She said she makes like $400 per scene to do an anal movie. Howard wondered how you can make that little money and justify it. She said she makes money doing appearances and stuff like that. She said it's just the movies that she won't do black guys for. She said in her personal life she doesn't have a problem with black guys.
Howard asked Trinity what she did last night for fun. She said she went to bed early after watching Howard's TV show. Howard said there must be something in her life that damaged her because she's so hot and in porn. The guys asked her who she'd do for a porn movie. They asked her if she'd do someone like a Lenny Kravitz. She said it all depends on what her people tell her to do. She said she has some people advising her on her career and that's who she listens to. She told Howard that five years ago it wasn't advisable to do anal but now it's a big thing. She seems to think ''doing black guys'' will eventually come around.
Howard said he was touching himself while talking to her because she's got a great voice. He also remembers how hot she was out in Vegas. Howard also talked to Trinity about these guys that pay for all of her stuff for her for some reason. She doesn't even have to sleep with them, they just pay for her stuff. She told Howard about what she has to do with these guys. She said that she took this one guy out to a swinger's club but doesn't have sex with him. Gary said there has to be sex going on but she swore that there wasn't. Howard wondered how much money the guy has to pay to have one of these dates. She said it's like $700 to $1000 and she doesn't even have to grab their crotch or anything like that. Howard said she's basically like a wife then. The guy gives her money and she doesn't give them sex. Gary said it sounds exactly like being a whore but she doesn't have to give them sex.
Howard gave Trinity a plug for this DVD Virtual Dreams that she's in. She said it's voice activated and you can tell the girls what you want them to do and they'll do it on your screen. Howard wanted to check that out but he wasn't sure if they had a copy of the DVD.
Howard talked to Trinity about this black thing a little more. Howard also said he was still touching himself and Artie was watching him. Artie said he just happened to see him doing it, he wasn't watching. Howard told him to stop looking over at him anyway.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Trinity. One guy wasn't making any sense at all. Another guy told her that he'd take her anywhere she wanted to go. Howard told the guy that she wouldn't sleep with her. The guy said that he didn't care about that, he'd work on her himself. He bragged about how he drives a Lexus LS 430. Howard said he'd date him in that case. They wondered why anyone would care about what he drives. A caller asked when Trinity lost her virginity and Howard said it was probably at 12. Howard said he just guessed at that answer and got it right. Howard had her take off her panties while she was on the phone. He tried to get her to call him the ''N-word'' as she was doing this but she wouldn't say it. She said her father beat the crap out of her when she was about five and said that word. Howard wanted her to imitate this movie clip from ''Storytelling'' featuring Selma Blair is saying ''Nigga F*** Me Hard.'' They played that clip so she got the idea. She still refused to say the word though so Howard gave up on it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's no way this girl is only 21 years old because she's too calm. Howard said he's met her though and she really is young. Another caller asked if Trinity was the one who was on E! last night. Howard said that was Nikki, not Trinity. The caller also told Howard how great Tabitha Stevens was on the show the other night. She'll be on the show this week as well talking about her date with their old wheelchair bound intern.
Howard heard that Trinity was out all night with a hockey team one night before a Stanley Cup playoff game. She talked about banging one of the guys that night. A few minutes later a woman called in and said that Trinity's voice had gotten her off while she was in the tub.
Howard asked Trinity a few questions about stuff that's been in the news lately to find out if she keeps up on that stuff. She knew about the war in Iraq and said she wasn't able to sleep for two weeks because she was up all night watching the coverage. Howard started to wrap up the interview but ended up asking her to go get a vibrator to get herself off while she was still on the phone. She set the phone down and ran off to get the vibrator. She came back a minute later and started using it. Howard wanted the phone near her mouth so they could hear her get off. She said she was thinking about girls while she was doing it. She wondered if she could say the ''c-word'' on the air. Howard told her she couldn't use that but she could say ''clock'' instead. Howard told her he has a ''small clock'' and stopped her a few seconds later. He wrapped up the call and gave her another plug for the DVD which is available through VirtualDreamsDVD.com.
Howard had Jimmy Kimmel come in before he took a break. He said Jimmy didn't look any better than he has in the past. He told Howard how horrible doing this show has been. He said he goes into his dressing room which is in the basement of the theater he works from and he doesn't even know when it's raining. Artie said he was having a hard time going from Trinity's voice to Jimmy's voice so Howard said he'd take a break. He didn't do that right away though. He talked to Jimmy about his girlfriend Sarah Silverman and how she revealed that kids would call her a ''Jew Monkey'' when she was growing up. Howard and the guys also thought that she might be ready to break up with him already. Howard gave Jimmy a plug for his show ''Jimmy Kimmel Live'' which airs every week night on ABC at midnight. He went to break after that.
Howard talked to Jimmy about how he got started in show business as a radio guy. Jimmy said he and his buddy Kent Foss got fired after just 10 months from their first job. He said they weren't allowed to do the same stuff Howard was doing on the air at the time. After losing that job he had to move back into his parents house with his wife. He had to live in his old room for about 6 or 7 months in that room. Howard and Artie asked him what it was like trying to have sex in his room and stuff like that. Jimmy said his parents love him so much they wouldn't mind if he stayed in his room the rest of his life. Howard said that sounds so great because his parents made it just about impossible to stay at their house. Jimmy said his father offered to pay him like $400 to stay in college if he wanted to do that. Jimmy said he ended up taking a job as a valet at a parking lot. He had to park Danny Bonaduce's car around then too. He eventually got a job down in Tampa and made $25,000 a year. Jimmy said just 7 years ago or so he was making about $32,000 a year. Now he's making some really good money on his TV show.
Jimmy talked about some of the stuff his Cousin Sal has done on his show. He gets into these pillow fights and ended up getting into a fight with Lennox Lewis when he was on the show with his mother. Howard also mentioned the fact that Mike Tyson was on the show for a full week as the co-host of the show. Jimmy though the was really good on the show too. He said he was terrified that Mike was going to kill him because he's been goofing on him for years.
Howard was also wondering what's going on with Monica Lewinsky. Jimmy said she's going to be the guest co-host next week so he hasn't met her yet. They asked him if he's going to get some sex off her. Jimmy joked and said that he's going to do that. Howard said he'd love to see Monica get thin because she has a great face. Robin reminded them that she had a deal with Jenny Craig to lose weight and she wasn't able to do it.
Howard asked Jimmy about his separation from his wife and what's going on with that. Jimmy said it's an unpleasant thing but they're getting along right now. He said he got another house just down the street from his wife. They have a couple of kids together and so far, it hasn't been too bad. He hasn't had to give up any of his money yet though. Howard said that Sarah Silverman is already hanging out with them and they apparently like her. Jimmy said they do seem to like her. Jimmy said he was listening to the show yesterday when Sarah was on and he was mopping his forehead just worrying about what Howard was going to ask her and all of that. Artie said he came out smelling like a rose though because Sarah was saying he had a huge penis and he was great in bed.
Howard said that Jimmy hasn't slept with many women in his life and Sarah is only like the third woman he's slept with. Jimmy said he has this thing about women and thinks that if they wouldn't have gone out with him in high school, they would never go out with him. Howard heard from Artie that Sarah dated Garry Shandling at one time but Jimmy said that wasn't true. She did go out with Colin Quinn though. Jimmy said as long as he's doing better than guys like that, he's fine with it. He said when his show gets canceled and he's doing some blooper show on a cable station, then he'll be embarrassed. Jimmy told Howard the ratings for his show are pretty good and he doesn't worry too much about the show being canceled. He said ABC sometimes has issues with some of the content they have on the show but they don't have a problem with the ratings.
Howard said that Jimmy lives with his brother. Jimmy talked about that for a few seconds before Howard took some phone calls. A couple of guys had questions about the show and Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in and said something but the delay was hit on him for some reason... more on that a little later.
Howard also had some voice mail to play for Jimmy. One guy brought up Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and how she's not all that hot. Howard also played one from High Pitch Erik who left a message where he sang about what scumbags Mike Fleiss and Scott Einziger are. He also threw Jackie in there even though Howard's not suing him. Erik said when he sees Scott in the city, he's going to steal his ideas like Scott did to Howard. Jimmy said that Erik is always calling him too. Howard said the calls aren't even that funny. Jimmy said he doesn't care if people prank call him and he just stays on the phone with them.
Howard brought up the fact that Dennis Miller has a problem with Jimmy's show. Jimmy said he heard that the quote Howard read wasn't even true and Dennis never said it.
Jimmy said he was listening to the show one morning and had a weird experience when Scott Thompson said that he had a crush on two people, him and Udao Hussein.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that the delay had been hit when he took that call earlier from Sal. Gary came in and said that the caller had asked Jimmy ''Jimmy, I heard you love getting oral from sarah because it muffles her squeally pig voice.'' Howard got really pissed and said he doesn't understand why they're bleeping stuff like that because it's not supposed to be. He wanted Tom or Dead Air Dave (who hit the button) down there to tell him why that was dumped. The caller apologized for telling Howard about it but Howard said he was glad he told him about it. Howard said he just can't go on like this. Gary said Dave won't come in but told him that he's ''pretty sure that Tom would have bleeped it.'' Howard flipped out and went off on Tom Chiusano. He was calling out to Scott Herman to pay attention to how he can't work with Tom anymore. Stuttering John came in a minute later and said that he heard that they cut some stuff from the Vegas shows about Les Moonves. Howard said he actually had that cut himself and then Tom came back and started cutting stuff out himself about Les. Howard said he just can't get rid of this guy Tom no matter what he tries. Tom showed up a couple minutes later. Tom said he didn't hear what the comments were or what the context was. Howard said he wanted Gary to read the line so Tom could decide right there if it was bleepable or not. Tom said he didn't want to play that game though. Howard asked Tom how he survived that about with cancer he had. Howard said he really thought he was a goner. Tom said he was a stage 4 cancer victim and managed to survive. Howard asked how that happened. Jimmy said ''God hit the delay button on his death.'' Tom said they actually stopped his cancer treatments because they don't work but they worked for him.
Tom refused to let Howard say the line that Dave bleeped earlier. Jimmy said basically what it was and Tom had Howard hit the delay on it because he would have hit the delay himself if he heard it. Howard said he's going to call Tom's boss and talk to him about this. He's got to get rid of him or get off the air. Gary pointed out that the reigns on them have been tightened, not because of what they've done, but because of what other broadcasters have done on the air.
Howard said they're allowed to say ''oral sex'' and the delay shouldn't be hit on that. They ended up talking about how they showed people just about having sex on ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' the other night and that's a show aimed at kids. Tom came in and said that he saw that and couldn't believe it was on the WB network himself. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Tom about this and how screwy the rules are. He said he's really got to get rid of Tom and he's going to talk to this guy Scott Herman about it. Howard told Tom that if he could have oral with Tom it would muffle his voice too. Tom asked him to bleep that but it had already made it on the air. Howard spent a little while longer talking about how he'd like Tom to go away already but it just doesn't happen. He had to take a break after a few minutes of that.
Howard came back from break a little while later and talked about how Jimmy lets his girlfriend Sarah go on and on when she appears on his show. Jimmy said she does all kinds of bits and stuff on her show... ''Plus, she gives him oral.'' Artie added.
Howard had Roger Alan Wade's songs playing and told Jimmy that he's producing an album with him. Howard said he'll do Jimmy's show when that comes out so he can promote it. Howard played a bunch of his stuff for Jimmy. Jimmy said he's got kind of a Johnny Cash vibe about him. Howard said he had a bunch of other stuff he wanted to play today but he didn't have time left. He had Robin start her news a short time later. Jimmy stuck around to comment on the news.
Howard said it might be time for him to have a new opening song instead of his ''Great American Nightmare.'' He said the song is good but he's tired of yelling over it. Fred threw in Roger Alan Wade's ''Sweet Poon Tang'' which could be a good opening song. Howard said he's very close to getting that album together with Roger. They have a few choices to make as far as putting the album out. They have to decide whether or not to put it out on a big record label or a small one. He's also trying to figure out if they should put it out as they stand or recreate them with a full band. He said there's some charm with them the way they are. Howard said he thinks the music is good so it would be a musical album, not a comedy album. Robin said in that case he might want to remake them with a band.
Howard said they have the studio set up for ''Shaved or Unshaved'' today. This is where girls will come in and the guys have to guess whether or not their private parts are shaved. After announcing that he took his first break.
After the break Howard had this guy Neil Hamburger doing a strange comedy bit. He has this delivery where he sounds like he's having trouble with phlegm or something. He's constantly clearing his throat and grunting. Howard said the guy was on Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Howard said he was one of the fake answers on ''Hollywood Squares'' last night. Miss Piggy was the ''celebrity'' who gave the answer. Howard said Miss Piggy doesn't even sound like Miss Piggy anymore. He played that and then got to some voice mail. He didn't finish what he had yesterday so he continued where he left off. One guy called in about Jennifer Lopez's ass and how horrible it looks. He said her ass has finally ''hit the wall.'' Howard agreed and Robin said her ass hit the wall years ago. Howard said she's way too young to have cellulite like he's seen in some pictures. Howard said he runs and does squats to try and get rid of his bad ass but it just doesn't work. He said it's not too bad if he keeps it loose and relaxed but when he tenses up, it looks horrible. He said his girlfriend will ask to see it sometimes but he won't show it to her. Artie said his girlfriend doesn't ask to see his ass, sometimes she'll see it and go ''Oh, I can see your ass!'' Howard said he had his three year anniversary of when he met Beth. His buddy Richie told him that he doesn't celebrate until the anniversary of when he first banged his girlfriend. Howard talked about how Richie has these three little dogs he has and how cute they were. He said he doesn't know how he takes care of them because he's always out.
Howard said he read an article in the paper about their union and how they're fighting with the company Clear Channel. He said there's only like 4 companies running radio stations these days. He said the article said that Clear Channel wants to automate overnights with pre-taped DJs and the union is fighting it. Howard said they shouldn't fight it because if people want to hear live DJs, they'll let them know by not listening. Howard said he thinks people like hearing live people on the radio so they should just let it happen. Howard read through the article and talked about what that company is doing. Howard said ''Go ahead and let it happen... who cares?''
Howard said people are wondering when the E! show is moving to 10pm so Robin said she was pretty sure it's the 19th, next Monday. He didn't sound too thrilled about it for some reason.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who called him a ''Jew boy'' and brought up the overnight DJ thing. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy but continued to talk about that story. Howard says there are still going to be plenty of jobs in the radio industry so people should stop complaining. Howard said canned DJs never sound good and people won't listen so they'll have to bring back the DJs.
Robin brought up the story about Jimi Hendrix bassist Noel Redding being found dead recently. He was found after being dead for a couple of days. Howard and Robin talked about how he was one of those guys who you knew would die like that. They talked about how he used to be on the show years ago and how sad it was to see how much he'd abused himself. Howard had an article about him and read through it. He said they quoted a girlfriend of Noel's about him. Howard wondered if he had a girlfriend, why didn't she find him sooner. Howard also read about how Redding was trying to get unpaid royalties from the Jimi Hendrix album sales. The article didn't say anything about how long it had been since he was found.
Jessica Hahn called in to talk to Howard about his movie ''Private Parts.'' She had a revelation and said that he really started the whole ''reality TV'' thing because he's always talked about real stuff on his radio show. Howard said that Jessica is the kind of person who might die and no one would find her for days. Jessica said that's probably true. She stays home and not many people come over often. Howard said her boyfriend comes over like once every four days or so. Howard and Robin tried to think about other celebrities that might be ''found dead'' days after they die. Howard said Fred used to be one of those guys but he's married now. Benjy is one. He said if Benjy died on a Friday night, they probably wouldn't find him until Tuesday. Ralph was another one they mentioned. That led to Howard talking about Ralph and how he missed the ''Matrix'' movie screening yesterday. Howard said he got a letter from Anne Marie who said Ralph wants to be off the mailing list for stuff like that. He wants to be on the phone list because he needs more time to get things together and schedule time for stuff like that. Howard said that was classic and he's going to frame that letter. He and Robin wondered what he does all day that doesn't allow him to check his e-mail about stuff like that. Howard wondered why anyone would even care if he's there. Howard also read that Ralph charged 20 over time hours to E! while he was out there in Vegas. Howard wondered how that was possible because he unpacked his bags and helped dress him but that was it. Gary said they were only out there for three days so that means he worked 6 extra hours a day while he was there. Howard said that's crazy.
Jessica told Howard she still hasn't seen pictures of his girlfriend. He told her to check out BethO.com. She also said she was supposed to be on that show ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'' that John was on but she turned it down. Howard thought that was pretty funny.
Howard got back to the Ralph story about the overtime. Robin Radzinski came in and said she did see that he charged 20 hours of overtime and she's always amazed at what he charges back. Howard said he thought he was doing Ralph a favor having him out there but it looks like that was a mistake. Radzinski said that Ralph is the biggest pain in the ass when they do stuff like that. She went over a bunch of stuff about him and said she could go on and on but she had to stop. Robin Q. wondered if when she sees Ralph out there sitting around, if he's actually ''working.'' Howard was still freaked out that Ralph couldn't make it to that ''Matrix'' screening because he didn't have enough time to schedule it. Howard decided to call Ralph to find out what he's up to. The phone was giving him trouble at first but he eventually got it to work. Howard left him a message saying that he was calling to schedule him for the next ''Matrix'' movie at the end of the year. Everyone got in on the goofing and started giving him dates for upcoming events that are years away.
Howard said Stuttering John ran into this guy Mike Fleiss who he's suing over stealing an idea from him for ''Are You Hot?'' Howard said Mike basically says that he just doesn't understand Hollywood and people steal shows all the time. He had to take a break before talking about that more.
Howard and the guys talked about last night's ''American Idol'' and how bad it was. Howard said it was so boring because each contestant sang three songs. Stuttering John said it's just a gay show. Howard said Clay sounded good but the songs he sang were just bad. Even Robin said the songs they perform sound really gay. Howard goofed on Paula Abdul and how she had a hat strategically placed on her head and almost flipped out on Simon when he went to touch it. He talked about how hot she looked dancing along to one of the songs too. He and the guys tried to figure out how old she is too. Howard figures she's like 40 or so. Howard said he'd bang her though. He later found out she's 41 years old and said she looks good for 41. Howard said the guys he grew up with look much older than him. Howard said he feels that he looks quite a bit younger than them. Gary said a lot of them don't have hair which doesn't help. That led to a discussion about old people and how kids find them ''cute.'' They talked about that for a minute but then Jessica Hahn called back with tape from ''American Idol.'' Howard wondered why she was calling in all of a sudden. Jessica said she calls once in a while but doesn't always get on the air. Howard and Jessica talked about some of the kids on ''American Idol'' and the problems each of them have. Howard had Jessica play the tape she had from the show but she was having problems finding what she wanted to play. She was going to start it from the beginning of the show so Howard bailed out on the call. He said he loves her but he really had to get off the phone. He said he didn't know it was going to be a whole long thing like that.
Frequent caller Shuli called in and asked Howard ''If you had a bombshell secret to tell who on the show would you trust to tell?'' Howard said he trusts Gary, Robin or Fred. Gary said he kept the secret about his meeting with Michael Jackson for 8 years or so. Robin bragged that she had a secret that she never told Mr. X too and he was amazed that she never told him. Gary talked about Mr. X and the strange behavior between the two of them. Shuli also asked Howard about the clips they play on the show of people freaking out during recording sessions and which one was his favorite. Howard said he likes the Shatner tape but Gary said the Orson Wells tape has to be one of the best. Shuli then asked Howard about the Learning Annex speech Gary made one time. That led to them talking about that and how they set it up so they could record Gary doing that. After a couple of minutes of that Howard moved on to Stuttering John.
Stuttering John said he and some of his friends from ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!'' were in town for the ABC upfront party. He and the guys went out to Scores. John wouldn't say who they were because he didn't want to get them in trouble. John was trying to explain what happened and had this nasty sounding stutter. Fred goofed on him for a couple of minutes about that. John said he bought some Funny Money for the guys. It turns out it costs $20 per $100 to buy funny money though so $300 cost him $360. John gave his dancer $20 per song and she told him they only get $14 out of the 20 and told him she wanted another $6. John said he knows that's not the way it works and was going to ask one of the guys about that. She asked him not to tell anyone and changed the subject. He said she was telling him stories about why she needs money and stuff like that. He said he couldn't get rid of her after that. Howard heard that there's a whole new crop of women at Scores and they don't know any of them anymore. He said Ronnie the Limo Driver told him they have to make a morning run over there to see all of these hot chicks.
Stuttering John also said he met Jennifer Garner who was at the ABC upfront and she wasn't as hot as he expected. He said he thought she was like the hottest chick but in person she wasn't that great. Howard said Scott Foley is lucky he got rid of her. John said he was going to go to a restaurant and ran into Eric Roberts. He asked him if he wanted to go with him and he turned it down. John also met George Lopez who's a big fan of the show. Trista from ''The Bachelorette'' was there with her new boyfriend. They're apparently going to turn that wedding into a 4 hour special or something like that. John said the boyfriend looked miserable being there at the party. Poor Stuttering John was stuttering up a storm as he was telling these stories so Fred and Howard were goofing on him.
Stuttering John was introduced to Mike Fleiss, who Howard is suing over the TV show ''Are You Hot?'' John said he asked him why he's doing all of this stuff and ripping off Howard. Mike apparently told him that he's a huge fan and Howard is his idol. Mike said that he just won't admit that he ripped Howard off. Howard and Robin pointed out how Mike sued ''Joe Millionaire'' after they ripped off his show ''The Bachelor.'' Howard said he's a phony. John continued the story and said that Mike told him that Scott Einziger is a friend of Howard's so he shouldn't be suing him. Mike also apparently told John that Howard doesn't understand Hollywood because that's the way things work out there. He said you can't copyright an idea and Howard is going to lose a million bucks in the lawsuit. Howard said there's nothing original going on with Mike Fleiss and he rips off everyone. John said Mike eventually got so fed up with his arguments that he walked away. This led to Howard talking about how Les Moonves from CBS stabbed him in the back by hiring Mike Fleiss and Scott Einziger after telling him he was doing good by suing those guys. That's why he's been going off on Moonves lately. John said Mike told him that Howard is naive about Hollywood. Howard said we'll see after he shows the judge the tape of them doing ''The Evaluators'' on his E! show compared to ''Are You Hot?'' Howard said that plus the fact that Scott Einziger and Jackie the Joke Man used to work for him will show that it was a direct rip off. Howard said he's never sued anyone like this in the past but this was such a rip off he had to do it. He said he's really pissed because Scott Einziger, who used to be a friend, still hasn't called him to apologize for what he's done. He said he's embarrassed that he let Judas into his house. John said he's surprised that Scott hasn't called him too. Howard said Mike has his story wrong because he's saying that this is the way Hollywood is doing it and then saying that Scott Einziger was upset about the way he goofed on him when he left the show to move out to Hollywood to work on ''The Amazing Race.'' He said that Mike should get his story straight before they go to court.
Howard took some phone calls and one woman, who said she's a good looking 36 year old. She was rambling on about something that Howard didn't understand. It all came down to her getting breast implants. He ended up hanging up on her after a minute or so because she was so annoying.
Howard had a guy on the phone who claimed he could give himself oral sex. That guy was rambling as well. He said he realized he could do this at the age of 22. Howard wondered why anyone would even want to try this. The guy admitted he was high as he was talking to Howard. Howard told the guy that's something that's just not cool. Robin asked him if he could do it to completion. He said he hasn't done that but he could for them. Howard said he'd book the guy for the show so he could show them what he's able to do. He had to take a break so he put the guy on hold to set up a date.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard he was going to be doing this Shaved or Unshaved game and that wasn't an original idea either. Howard said he's said that before and they're having this guy on the show. KC said they're not going to have the guy on the air though. KC said you can actually play along on DesignAVagina.com.
Howard brought in the first girl, Alexia. Howard asked her if this is their normal grooming habits or if they're told what to do. Gary said the show was just booked on Friday so they can't grow hair that quick. Alexia said that she is always groomed the way it is. KC said there are actually three choices, shaved, unshaved or neatly trimmed. Howard read Alexia's bio and she claims to be a model. Turns out she was talking about ''adult modeling.'' She has a 34DDD cup size. Implants of course. She said she just had them done a few months ago. She also claims that she hasn't had a man in over a year. She's been doing women lately instead. Howard and Robin tried to figure out if she's shaved or not. Robin guessed that she's neatly trimmed. Howard agreed. Gary said shaved as did Artie. Fred said neatly trimmed. KC said he guesses she's unshaved because of her hair color. Alexia pulled down her pants and showed that she was completely shaved. Artie wondered what they won for getting it right. He asked to see her giant breasts. She quickly took her top off and showed them. Howard goofed on her spiked tongue a little bit but then checked out her body and forgot about that. Howard said Gary was staring at her like a married man. Gary said she had one fine ass and didn't hear a word Howard said. Artie got back to goofing on her spiked tongue because it made it hard for her to speak correctly. She said that's the reason she became a lesbian.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this was a great game and they should let him come up and play. Howard said that's a good idea and they should grab someone from the street and bring them up to the studio to play along. One guy didn't think it was all that great because Howard wasn't talking to the girls for very long. Another caller asked Howard to check out their feet and let them know how they were. Howard said Alexia was wearing 8 inch heels but didn't say exactly how they looked.
Howard moved on to the second woman, Asiaonna. Howard said he could see through her panties and it looked like she was unshaved. Howard thought he could see some ''popcorn'' in her pants. Asia claims that she's just now getting into modeling and this site has helped her do that. She claims that she had a daughter at the age of 15. She's now 28. She's also married to the father of that baby. Gary pointed out to Howard that Asia was wearing a black bikini bottom under her panties, that's where the black was coming from. Robin said she believes that she's unshaved but later changed that to neatly trimmed. Howard thinks she has to be shaving it all off. He spent a couple more minutes talking to her about her life and found out she and her husband are swingers. They sometimes bring other partners into their bedroom. She said that she's brought other men but it's usually women. Howard had the guys guess at whether or not she's shaved or unshaved. Gary said unshaved, Artie said neatly shaved, Fred said unshaved as did KC. Turns out she was completely shaved.
The next woman was a waitress. Her name was B Fly. She made that name up of course. Howard asked her a few questions about her life and found out she came up with the name herself. The fly is because ''she's fly.'' Howard read some stuff about her and found out she's had sex in a closet at work in the restaurant. She said she likes the ''danger.'' She's 20 years old and lost her virginity at the age of 16. Howard guessed that she's neatly trimmed. Robin said neatly trimmed, Gary said unshaved, Artie said neatly trimmed, Fred said neatly trimmed. She pulled down her pants and was neatly trimmed. Howard said she should just be completely shaved though. She was almost there.
Mary Jane was up next. She's 5'10'' tall and is a stage hand. This is her first ''modeling adventure'' on this web site. She claims that she performed oral on a boss she worked for in a book store one time. She said she's done that to a couple of bosses she's had over the years. She said she once had sex in the theater with the technical director looking down on some of the other people. She said she likes schlongs too much to become a lesbian after Howard asked her about that. Howard went on to guess that Mary Jane was totally shaved. Robin guessed neatly trimmed. Gary said neatly trimmed, Artie said shaved, Fred said unshaved. She pulled down her pants to reveal that she was trimmed but with Howard's initials shaved into her pubes.
Next up was Secret, a light skinned black woman. Howard asked what her ''secret'' was. She wouldn't say but Gary told Howard that she has slept with a celebrity and that's her secret. Howard asked her about the porn movie's she's done and asked her who the celebrity was. She said it was a rap star. Gary guessed Ice T but she said ''no'' to everyone they guessed. She said she likes girls but loves men too. She said she has both a boyfriend and a girlfriend. She keeps them separate though. Howard said she's unshaved, Robin said unshaved, Gary also said unshaved as did Artie. Fred said he thinks she's unshaved also. KC guessed neatly trimmed. She pulled down her pants and was completely shaved. She stumped them all.
Finally they had Sativa who is from Long Island. Howard said she works as a fetish model. She said she does spanking parties, foot fetish parties and stuff like that. She said she's only 19 years old. She told Howard about these parties she does and how they go. She also told Howard how she got into the fetish thing. She said she liked having guys rubbing her feet and kissing them and had to keep doing it. She was a stripper but she doesn't even have to do that anymore. She said they have themes at these parties so she wears different things at the parties. Howard wanted her to demonstrate on Benjy. Benjy hopped up and got naked as he went over to her. Howard had him lay down naked on the floor as she stepped on him. She massaged his nipple with her foot. Benjy said it just felt like a foot to him. She said it's a very soft foot though. She also shoved her toes into his ass. Benjy said she might have some toilet paper on her toes now. Howard put a stop to that a minute later and said he guessed that she's totally unshaved. Robin said shaved, Gary said unshaved, Artie said unshaved and Fred said unshaved. KC said unshaved. She pulled down her pants and she was unshaved. She was waxed a little bit but the hair was growing back in.
Asia and one of the other girls wanted to make out for the end of the segment. Howard let them do that and then wrapped up the segment. He also gave them a plug for DesignAVagina.com. He spent a short time talking about Sativa and how she does the foot fetish thing. Benjy getting naked was a topic for discussion. Gary said he's known Howard for many years and has never seen his penis. Today he saw Benjy's penis for the seventh time. Sal (Formerly Known as Sal the Stockbroker) called in and said Howard came up with this idea back in the WNBC days when he did a promotion for a shaving cream. He also suggested they have a wife and girlfriend ''shaved or unshaved'' on the show. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen because none of their wives or girlfriends would be willing to pull down their pants to prove what they have down there. Sal also suggested having a Gary's teeth Brushed or Unbrushed game. Sal got in a quick plug for a comedy gig he's doing with Yucko the Clown and High Pitch Erik at the Brokerage Comedy Club in Bellmore, NY tonight. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard brought up how they're making a huge deal about Katie Couric hosting Jay Leno's show. Howard said they should put her on for two weeks to see how she does. He read an article about how big the ratings were when she was hosting for Jay. Jay took over her job that day as well. Howard went through the article and they made it seem like she could have her own show in late night. Howard doesn't seem to care though. Stuttering John came in and said that there was a story about Katie having some outrageous demands when she did the show. Jay was pissed because he didn't have any ratings when he did the Today show.
Howard played a clip from ''American Idol'' for Robin since she missed it. It was Clay singing his first gay song of the evening. Robin said it was ''terrible.'' Artie said he was trying to snap his own neck while that was playing.
Howard played a clip of a mother defending her son about a rape charge he had against him. She said he doesn't need to rape anyone because he's ''drop dead gorgeous.'' She was also bragging that he had two babies on the way, a daughter and ''umpteen girlfriends.'' Howard then played tape of some news coverage of the British version of ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' where they possibly caught a guy cheating. His wife and another guy would cough to help with the answers. They covered how they were able to cough to inform him of the correct answers. There was one blatant cough and then a ''no'' that was coughed out. The guy was so dumb that he went for the full million bucks instead of cutting it off at $250,000. Howard said even the producers of the show probably would have let it go at that level.
Howard had tape of Dick Smothers and his son Dick Jr. yelling at each other on ''Inside Edition'' recently. Howard and the guys talked about how they're not sure who to feel bad for, Dick or Dick Jr. Howard explained how Dick Jr. is in porn now and he's still using the name Dick Smothers Jr. In the tape you year both Dicks arguing with each other and having a family argument right there in front of the camera. Dick ended the interview after they argued for a couple of minutes. Howard talked about how big Dick and Tommy Smothers were back in their day. He said they were legends but Artie and Robin weren't so sure about that. Howard said he wasn't sure whose side to be on in the two Dicks argument.
Howard said people are already lining up for ''The Matrix Reloaded.'' He saw the movie yesterday but didn't really say whether or not he liked it. Earlier in the show all he said was that they ''had a lot of fun'' at the preview.
Howard brought up the NY Times and how they have all of this controversy surrounding them because this reporter wrote a bunch of phony stories for them. Howard said that could happen to any newspaper.
Howard read an article about the most hated New York celebrities out there. People like Leona Helmsley, Lizzie Grubman, Martha Stewart, Donald Trump, Woody Allen, George Steinbrenner, Rudy Giuliani (who was also on the most loved list), Michael Bloomberg, Tina Brown, Norman Mailer, Bill Parcells and a bunch of others were on the list.
Howard and Robin talked about the bombings over in the Middle East and how Osama bin Laden may have had something to do with them. Howard said we just have to get rid of Saudi Arabia and Syria while we're over there.
A listener called in and asked if Howard was on the most hated list. Howard said he wasn't on it and thinks he'd be on the most loved list. He said people seem to love him when he walks down the streets of New York City. The caller also asked Howard if he'd play the part of ''Scarecrow'' in a Superman movie. Howard said he'd do that but the script would have to be good. He said he'd even play parts in other comic book movies if the scripts are good. He said he'd even shave his head if the part required it... as long as the script was great. Howard took a break after talking about that for a couple of minutes.
Another guy called in and said that Howard ran out of the screening for ''The Matrix Reloaded'' yesterday and complained that he was there. The guy claims that he was kicked out because of that. Howard said he didn't have anything to do with it though. He said he went to the bathroom to pee. The guy claims that he was kicked out because Howard ran back and told his assistants to kick them out. Howard explained how he was invited to see the movie by the movie studio and they told him he'd be with the press. Howard said he'd pass on that because he didn't want to see the movie with the press. The guy went off on Howard and claimed that one of the people there said something about ''those damn Jews'' when they were seen in there. This turned out to be a scam call though so Howard explained what happened. Howard said he was told by Anne Marie that there were some guys claiming to be from a magazine but they got escorted out. Howard said he had nothing to do with that and they probably lied to get it. He said he's been to those things with the press in the past and they always get spied on when they're there. Howard said he knew those guys weren't really from a magazine. The whole thing was weird. Howard figures it was just some of Sal the Stockbroker's buddies because he called Gary a ''horse tooth jackass'' as he was hanging up the phone.
Howard gave away a couple of $500 gifts courtesy of this movie ''Equilibrium'' to some callers. Howard also took a call from a guy who wondered when the uncensored DVD of the E! show will be out. Howard said it's turned into a nightmare. It's taking forever to get it done. He said he may have to do it himself. He said he may have to break it down by year because it's taking so long. He wants to see it himself.
Sal the Stockbroker called in a minute later and said he had nothing to do with that caller earlier... and tried to get in a plug for that comedy gig he has tonight. Howard cut him off and quickly started Robin's news.
Howard said they have ''Win Fred's Money'' coming up today as well as Tabitha Stevens talking about her date with Steve the Intern and comedian Greg Fitzsimmons sitting in for the news. He talked about Gary going to the CBS Up Fronts yesterday. Artie said he thought he wasn't going but Howard said he always gets good stories when he goes so he went.
Howard was getting his hair caught in his headphones so he complained about that for a few seconds. Gary was sitting in so he asked him about the CBS thing. Gary said he ran into Mel Karmazin and he said hello to him. Howard's agent was also there. Howard wondered why his agent was there because he doesn't want him kissing Les Moonves' ass. Howard said his agent told him he was going to tell Les off but he probably didn't because he has other clients who he wants working there. Gary said he saw the whole Survivor cast there at the CBS thing.
Howard said Artie was eating cookies for breakfast and he eats a whole bag when he does that. Artie said they're low fat though. Howard said that they don't tell you things like that are high in sugar. Artie told Howard that he just found out liquor is high in fat. That led to the guys talking about some of these new liquor mixed drinks the companies are selling like Jack Daniels hard sodas and stuff like that. Gary said they do that so they can advertise on TV. For some reason they can't advertise hard liquor on TV but you can advertise the hard sodas and hard lemonade type drinks.
Gary got back to his stories. He talked about the ''Survivor'' contestants and how they're talking about the ''All Star'' version of the game that will be coming up after the next season. He told Howard how they're going to have the winners and some of the other ''stars'' of that series on the ''All Star'' version. Gary also met Christy from ''Survivor'' and she told him that she heard Howard wasn't very nice to her. Gary told her that he loved her on the show and defended her during the season. Gary said he spoke directly to her so she could read his lips... Howard made a crack or two about Gary's lips when he mentioned that of course. Gary moved on to talk about ''CSI'' and this new series they have called ''N-CIM'' which is like a CSI for the Navy. There were a few other TV shows they announced that are also very much like ''CSI'' because they've had so much luck with that series on the network. Gary said it's going to be like having ''CSI'' on every night. Howard said that Les Moonves thinks he knows what he's doing... and he hopes he fails. The ''CSI'' people have been complaining that they're going to ruin the franchise if they keep coming out with ''CSI-like'' programs like that.
Gary said he saw Mike Fleiss there at the CBS thing. Gary said he wondered why he was there and then remembered that Les Moonves hired him after telling Howard that he was doing good by suing Mike and the other people from ''Are You Hot?''
Howard talked about the death of basketball player Dave DeBusschere. He talked about how he just dropped dead while walking down the street. Howard said that was kind of sad.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up Les Moonves and how he really does seem like a snake. He said he's even stealing from his own network putting on all of these CSI-like programs. Howard and the guy spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the other people in the industry like Jeff Zucker. Howard said Jeff seems like the kind of guy you can look in the eye and talk to. He said you can't do that with Les because he's always looking around the room trying to find the people he should be talking to instead of the person he's talking to. Gary said he heard some women talking about how Les bashes the other networks behind the scenes and it's enough already. The caller was at the CBS Up Front and had a couple of quick stories to tell. Howard said he really doesn't like Les and thinks that he's got his own agenda even though his agent tells him he doesn't have anything against him. Howard said it doesn't seem that way because of his actions.
Gary said that the ''Survivor'' cast was dancing along with some lame singer that was there. Artie said those up front things are really gay. Howard said ''gay'' is him watching the final episode of ''Dawson's Creek'' last night. They also talked about ''American Idol'' which Howard fast forwarded through to see who got voted off. Clay and Ruben are the two contestants left. Robin complained about Paula Abdul and the lame comments she makes during the show. She also talked about her dancing along to some of the songs they sing on the show. Gary got back to the CBS thing and said Rob from ''Survivor'' told him that they got paid $10,000 to be at that Up Front thing last night. Howard thought that was pretty good and that explains why they'd all show up to something like that. He had to take a break after discussing that.
Howard said he found another band called Anus (AnusTheBand.com). He played a song called ''Booty Shooter'' which was about diarrhea. They had another song called ''Doody'' where they sing about doody being fun for everyone. ''Forget about the Moon'' was another one. Howard said he was going to throw the CD away until KC listened to it and said he thought it was pretty funny. Howard played a couple of other quick clips including ''Why is it Taboo?'', ''Eat Shit.'' Howard said he doesn't think they have a record deal at this time just in case any of the record companies out there are looking for a band like that.
Howard played his ''The Matrix Retarded'' commercial parody they played the other morning. It features Gary the Retard as the star of the phony movie. Howard said he'd watch that movie if it was real. Howard threw in the song ''Diarrhea'' which was done by Dick Delicious. After that he quickly moved on to some e-mail they got about Jimmy Kimmel. A bunch of people wrote in and complained about his appearance. There were also a bunch of negative ones about Jessica Hahn who called in earlier this week. There were also a few about Ralph and how spoiled he is. Howard ended up talking about that and how Ralph charge E! for 20 hours of overtime when they were out in Las Vegas. He also missed their ''The Matrix Reloaded'' screening because he doesn't check his e-mail often enough. Howard moved on to more e-mail. He got some about his E! show and how Vince Neil seems to be morphing into Ron Jeremy. Someone also wrote in about Artie and how Howard said he doesn't know Artie well enough to trust him with any secrets. Howard said they got a 50/50 split about the ''Shaved or Unshaved'' game they played yesterday. Howard said they got some comments on the ''most hated list'' they read on the air yesterday. Someone wondered where Crazy Cabbie was on that list. He got a few other's about their George Steinbrenner discussion, their Dick Cheney discussion and a bunch of other news stories. Howard also got some mail about President Bush and ended up talking about how he agrees with what Bush has done over in the Middle East but there are other issues he doesn't agree with and Bush hasn't won his vote yet for the next election. Howard was talking about Tommy Chong being arrested for selling bongs and rolling papers and how ridiculous that is. He said that Bush has to drop all of that but the war in Iraq was a good thing in his eyes.
Howard talked about the upcoming ''Win Fred's Money'' in which they have a guy bringing in some chick to get naked if he loses. They have a special undressing area just for her in the studio. Howard said he had to take a break but mentioned that they have Bernie Mac and Jenna Jameson coming in tomorrow. He also mentioned the new time slot for his E! show that starts next week. The show will be airing at 10:00pm and 11:30pm.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought up the ''Shaved or Unshaved'' thing and wondered if Howard knows what women have to go through to get all their hair removed. Howard told her to just get laser hair removal. She wondered if it really makes that much of a difference to be shaved, waxed or laser hair removed. Howard said it's best not to have bumps down there.
Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who had some tape of Monica Lewinsky on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night. He wanted to know if Howard wanted to hear tape or him just describing what happened. Howard let him explain it for a few seconds and then said he wanted to hear the tape. Melrose knew Howard would hang up on him eventually so he said his goodbyes before playing the tape. Melrose played the tape of Lewinsky rambling for a short time but he got bored with it after 20 seconds or so. Howard said the only reason you'd want to talk to Monica is about her oral sex with President Clinton. He said he could do a good interview with her but she won't come on his show. Howard said they tracked down this woman who allegedly had sex with John F. Kennedy Sr. but he said he doesn't care about that. He said she's like 60 years old now. Howard talked about how Kennedy had all kinds of women when he was in office anyway.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard what's up with his talks about pot smoking lately. He pointed out that Howard has smoked some in the past 5 years or so. Howard said when he does that it doesn't work for him. The guy told Howard to ask Stuttering John when the last time was that he smoked with him. Howard didn't even remember doing that with John though. John came in and said they did that about 5 years ago. Howard said he drinks a little on the weekends but he doesn't drink all the time. The guy on the phone said it's very easy to get the wrong idea listening to the show. Howard said he's still for the legalization of pot and even cocaine. He said he doesn't care.
A listener called in and said he thinks that the black dude on ''American Idol'' is going to win the whole thing. He seems to think he's got more of a chance of making it big than Clay the white guy does. Howard and Robin talked about the show and how lame Clay seems when he's singing. Another caller brought up the ''Star Trek Enterprise'' episode where this Vulcan was going through her mating thing and got all oiled up and stuff for the show. Howard and the guy talked about how hot that chick is for a short time.
Howard took another call from a guy who wasn't making much sense at first. He talked about how he has a step-sister who wants him to be her first guy after being a lesbian for a while. Howard told him to go for it because she's not a blood relation. Howard told the guy he'd be ''rubbing this girl for 15 minutes'' and not much will happen if she was a hard core lesbian. He said he had a buddy who went with a girl he didn't know was a lesbian. He was working so hard that he bruised his penis. Howard said he even showed it to him. The guy wondered if Howard wanted to check this girl out. Howard told the guy to bring her down to the studio, he'd be willing to check her out. Howard told the guy to get right on her and make sure he has a vibrator to use on her as well. He put the guy on hold so they could book him for the show.
A phone caller told Howard about doing some landscaping at a house where there were these sisters who were 15 and 16 years old. They invited them in to have some iced tea. He said the girls were dressed in some sexy clothes and turned on the TV. They found the Spice Channel and turned that on. He said they then did some lesbian stuff together. He claims he didn't touch them or anything so he's not worried about going to jail. Robin told him he can get in trouble for even watching them do that though. He said he had to rub one out at the local McDonalds after seeing that though. He said he used some Vaseline Lip Therapy stuff as lube.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was watching ''Private Parts'' on the USA network and wondered why Howard interrupted the movie. Howard said he thought he'd make a special version of it for them. The guy thought that Howard could just put it on HBO or something instead. Howard had to explain that USA is like a regular TV network and can't show nudity so he thought he'd make those quick appearances to explain what they couldn't show in the movie. He hung up on the guy and took a break.
Howard said he read that Conan O'Brien has a claymation version of his show that's got to be lame. He said a five minute segment might be funny but an hour of that is unbearable.
Howard took a call from Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) who said that the reason Tori Spelling didn't do the ''90210'' thing was because FOX promised her a sitcom after the show was over and she was stiffed. Howard said that might be the case but still, they didn't even mention it during the show. For some reason, Howard threw in the fact that he found out Chaunce makes $275,000 a year working for that free paper ''Steppin' Out'' he works for. Chaunce sarcastically thanked him for putting that information out there. Chaunce had a few other things he quickly went over with Howard before Howard got tired of him. Chaunce threw in the fact that Michael Madsen is upset he can't get on Howard's show for some reason. Howard didn't even know who he was. Chaunce told Howard he wrote about him in his book but Howard said he can't have all of his fans on the show.
Howard had to move on to Win Fred's Money so he got Chaunce off the phone and brought in this guy Vinnie who claims he beats Fred when playing from home 50 percent of the time. Howard spoke to him for a few minutes about all of these Masters degrees in all kinds of meaningless stuff. Vinnie brought two women with him to get naked for him if he loses. One was his wife and the other was a friend of hers. Gary said the friend had huge breasts. Vinnie said he just got to see her boobs a few minutes before when she ''practiced'' taking off her top. Howard had the girls get topless in the special spot they had set up in the studio. They do that these days so no one can scam them and run out without getting naked. Howard spent a little longer talking to Vinnie before playing the game. Howard found out Vinnie is a Vice Principal of a school so he spent some time on that. Vinnie and Howard talked about the belly shirts young girls are wearing these days. Vinnie said there should be a rule against them wearing stuff like that because it's so distracting to the kids in class. Vinnie said he has sent kids home for the clothes they've worn to school.
Howard told Vinnie he was playing for $10,000 courtesy of Bally Total Fitness. Vinnie is putting up $500 against Fred plus his wife and girlfriend will get topless.
Howard quickly mentioned that on HowardStern.com they have this guy Greg Valentino who has the biggest biceps in the world. He talked about how freaky that was for a minute and then moved on to the game.
In the game the contestant has one minute to answer seven questions. After he's done, Fred comes in and does the same. Here are the questions and correct answers.
Eric the Midget called in to talk about the Las Vegas shows. Howard said he gets a lot of mail from people who don't like when he's on because he's hard to listen to. Howard said he could listen to him all day long though. He said he likes to hear about his life. He's still watching ''American Idol'' and said his favorite is Reuben. He was a huge Kelly Clarkson guy last season and that's what Howard used to talk to him about all the time. Howard said Eric was listening to the radio as he was talking to him. He bailed out of the call a minute later. Howard said Eric was calling in to find out why he's been ignoring him.
A listener called in and said he has another lawsuit for Howard. He mentioned how they have this 10 year old kid on MTV's ''Punk'd'' who does exactly what Stuttering John does on the red carpet. Howard said he saw tape of that. He said MTV lifts a lot of stuff from his show. He said he's had a lot of stuff ripped off from his show but when Scott Einziger did ''Are You Hot?'' that just pissed him off because it hit too close to home. He talked about that for a few seconds and then brought in Tabitha Stevens.
Howard said Tabitha Stevens was in a back room with Scott the Engineer and she got naked to make some phone calls. Scott had to leave the room because he's married. Turns out she was just changing clothes. Howard played some of Roger Alan Wade's ''Sweet Poon Tang'' for her as she came in. Scott the Engineer said he offered to leave the room as she changed but she said it wasn't a problem and didn't have a problem getting naked in front of him. She joked that he told her he had a ''rise in his Levis.'' Howard said he doesn't have a personality where he'd say something like that so they knew she was kidding.
Howard spoke to Tabitha and her career. She said that all of these guys will tell her they don't have a problem with what she does for a living but then all of a sudden, when she gets naked somewhere, they have issues. She said she really doesn't date a lot of guys. Howard brought up the fact that she had sex with this guy Steve who's in a wheelchair though. She said that was a special thing because he needed it. She said when she's with a guy it's just her and the guy and she wouldn't cheat or anything like that. She said if she was with a guy now, she wouldn't have been able to do Steve. Howard brought Steve in a few seconds later. He has Multiple Dystrophy and is stuck in the wheelchair. Howard said Steve looked like a new man after the sex. Howard talked to him about being in the chair and whether his legs work at all. He said he does have problems with his legs. He said they work but not very well. He is able to have sex though. Howard asked him when he was able to get laid in the past. He said that his friends got him a stripper one time and he got oral from her. Steve's mother was with him this morning so she was hearing all of this. She told Howard how they found out about his M.D. and how he wasn't able to walk as a child. Howard figured she must have been drinking and smoking when she was pregnant with Steve. She said she was so good when she was pregnant and never did that kind of stuff. Steve has a brother who was there at the station with them. He said that his brother doesn't have any physical problems but his mother pointed out that he didn't get to have Tabitha Stevens.
Tabitha decided to be the one to tell the story about them having sex out in Vegas. She said it would be funnier if she told it. Howard asked Tabitha if she wanted to do Steve's mother. She said she thought about it. She went on to tell the story and said her brother was with her out in Vegas. She mentioned that she was adopted for some reason. She said that she's really attracted to her brother who isn't blood related because he's really hot. She was rambling about this stuff so Howard had to steer her in the right direction. They talked about how Tabitha got naked right away when they got to her room. Steve said he would have liked to have undressed her but he didn't mind that she got naked right away. Howard had a lot of questions for the two of them. He asked if they shined up his wheelchair. Steve said his mother actually did do that which surprised him. She also ironed his clothes for him.
Howard asked Tabitha about how they got Steve into the bed and how Steve asked her if she wanted to smoke some pot with him. Tabitha said she's a terrible pot head but it would relax him so she agreed to do it with him. She said she had to ask Richie from E! to give her a cigarette so she could pack it full of the pot Steve had on him. She took a hit and Steve smoked up a bit. She said she got buzzed and it loosened her up a little bit. After that Steve said she lifted his legs up and undressed him. Steve said he had to warn her that there was a surprise in his pants. He has a piercing on his genitals. Robin wondered why someone with Muscular Dystrophy would do that. Howard said he should pierce his legs, not his penis. Tabitha said Steve looks just find down in that area. Steve said that he has some control over his limbs so he was able to move a little bit. He said he didn't take off his shirt though. Tabitha said his mouth was full so it would have been hard to do. Tabitha said they did some foreplay for a little while and kissed some. Howard asked Steve if he was falling in love with her. He said he didn't think he was falling in love but he did like her a lot. Howard had them move along and talked about them having sex a little bit. Howard asked if it lasted longer than 30 seconds. Steve said he did last longer than that. He was able to get on his side with a little help from Tabitha also. He spanked her a little bit too. She said she was able to get off and had an orgasm when he performed oral on her.
Howard asked them how long the actual sex lasted. Tabitha said they had sex for about 10 minutes after the foreplay and other stuff. Howard was impressed he lasted that long. Steve said he's on drugs that cut down on his sex drive so that helped. Howard asked if there was any other talk after that. Steve said that Tabitha was the one to clean him up and dress him after they were done. Steve talked about how much better it was having her do that than his male, African nurse that usually does it. Steve said Tabitha didn't vomit on him or anything like that when Howard asked. Howard said it sounded like it was a success. He asked Steve how long it was after he went home before he pleasured himself to her image. He said she gave him one of her DVDs (Check them out here!) so he's able to pleasure himself to that now. He said she gave him her number and she claims that she'd do him again. She said he's a cool guy and he's really nice. Howard pretended to take a call from Christopher Reeve and got his megaphone to do the phony call. He did that for a few seconds.
Howard said Tabitha has gotten some calls from Simon Cowell from ''American Idol'' asking her out. She had the messages to play so Howard played those and goofed on them for a few seconds. Simon gave her his number and asked her to call him back. She said she thinks Simon is a nice guy and all but hasn't gone out with him yet. Gary mentioned that Tabitha is another porn star who won't sleep with black guys. Howard spent a short time talking to her about that. She said she has worked with some black women but never men.
A woman called in and said she's got a daughter who's in a wheelchair and she's very happy with what Howard has done to help Steve out. Howard took a couple more phone calls and then congratulated Steve on his score with Tabitha. Stuttering John asked Tabitha if it was true that Simon Cowell offered her money to go out with him. She said that's not true but other guys have done that before. She didn't mention names though. Howard wrapped up the interview, gave Tabitha some plugs for TabithaStevens.com and Ten.com, and thanked everyone for coming in.
Howard said Greg is doing this comedy show benefit for a friend of his, Gerry Red Wilson, they lost and he refuses to mention the name of a special guest they may have showing up to the event. He mentioned people like Dave Attell, Colin Quinn, Jim Breuer, Judy Gold, Patrice O'Neal, Kevin Meany and a couple of others. Howard said he think it'll be Jerry Seinfeld. Greg said he can not confirm or deny that though. He said he doesn't want to say the guy's name because if he can't make it for some reason, then he'll look like a fool. For tickets to the event, call Ticketmaster at (212) 307-7171. Howard had Robin move on to her news after talking to Greg for a couple of minutes. Greg and Howard spent a little time talking about porn during the news after a caller asked if he could come down to meet Jenna Jameson tomorrow. Greg said he gets Jenna all the time... He got one of her DVDs. He talked about how he can play the DVD on his laptop computer and how amazing DVDs are. Howard said he doesn't like it on the computer because it's hard to work it. He said he ends up just fast forwarding through it to the point where he can just get off. He also said it's hard to use the computer with one hand. The caller who asked about meeting Jenna Jameson was still on the phone so Howard told him if he really wanted to come down, he'd have to rub Benjy's penis with his bare foot. Benjy didn't want to do that though so Howard had to call the whole thing off. He wasn't going to do it for the $500 Howard offered him.
Howard thought that their performance of ''Old Man'' was pretty great. He said he still hasn't been recognized for it yet. He went on to complain about the weather for the upcoming weekend. He said they're supposed to have some crappy weather and he can't stand it. He said yesterday he went to walk his dog and he got rained on.
Howard took a phone call from a listener who said he caught his wife cheating on him so he's decided to wipe his ass on the inside of her bra so when the guy she's cheating with goes to her chest, he'll smell ass. Howard said you really have to just distance yourself from people in your life and not worry about stuff like that when it happens. Robin said some people have real feelings about his wife and that's the way that guy decided to take his anger out. Howard and the guys thought that was pretty lame though.
A phone caller told Howard that The Losers were great. Robin reminded him that The Losers are no more because Howard got so sick of performing after that song. Howard said he was listening to the radio show before his and they were playing Trent Reznor's ''Hurt'' and the song was great. He said Trent is one of those guys who claims he can write a hit song anytime but has decided not to do it anymore. He said Todd Rundgren did the same thing many years ago and hasn't been heard from since. Howard replayed the live version of ''Hurt'' so he could let everyone hear what he was talking about. Howard said he went to a Nine Inch Nails concert one time and it was ''F'n good.'' Howard talked about all of the girls who came up to him and told him they were banging Trent Reznor. Robin wondered where he vanished to. Howard played some other songs that are his favorites these days. He said that song ''You're Breaking my Heart so F*** You'' and Roger Alan Wade's ''Sweet Poon Tang'' came up. Howard said his agent has been talking to Johnny Knoxville about putting out an album of Roger's stuff.
A listener called in and said Howard looked a little shaky on the E! show last night. He said he was jumping around and shaking his arms and stuff. Howard said that he has Parkinson's and the guy just laughed. Howard said when he does the radio show he has to keep moving for some reason. He said he's constantly fidgeting and playing with himself. He said he's never ''finished himself off'' in the studio but he does play with himself a lot and it feels good. The caller said it was the drinking show that he was watching when he saw all of the fidgeting. Howard said that's why he was so animated, it was the drinking. Howard took another call from a guy who wondered why Howard finds skinny chicks so attractive. Howard said he likes thin chicks, not anorexic chicks. Howard said he finds almost all women hot, that's his problem. Artie said Howard finds the ''female form'' attractive. He started to describe how women will ''tremble and cry'' when you touch them. Robin said ''What?'' when he said that. Artie was joking around.
Howard took another call from a listener who said Dave Chappelle walked off stage the other night after being heckled. Howard said he's seen Dave perform and he gets really upset with hecklers even though people in the back can't hear that stuff in the back. The caller said Dave was doing a great job but he kept pleading to the heckler to just stop. Howard talked about hecklers and how they're like children because they can't stand that they're not in the spotlight. Howard said they start to make the show about themselves instead of leaving the performer alone. Howard said he'll sometimes go to a concert and wish he was on stage but then he realizes he's like a child sometimes. Hecklers can't control themselves and just start annoying the performers. Howard talked about how they went to see Stuttering John's comedy show out in Vegas and Ralph was heckling Jim Florentine. Howard said Artie got embarrassed and wanted to just get out of there because it was embarrassing. Howard said Ralph is one of those guys who think they're being funny but they're not. Howard said Dave Chappelle has to just get over that stuff and ignore it. Artie said if you just throw one insult in that heckler's direction, that will usually shut them up. Another caller said he understood where Howard was coming from with his heckler theory. He said that made complete sense to him.
Howard had to take a break but he said they have Jenna Jameson, Jeff the Drunk and Bernie Mac coming in today.
Howard said they talked about how Laurence Fishburn seems to have gained quite a bit of weight before shooting the new ''The Matrix: Reloaded'' movie. They talked about that for a few seconds and then got to some e-mail. Howard said some people were happy about the fact that Howard didn't give Eric the Midget any money yesterday. Howard said they usually end up feeling sorry for him and give him money. Other people wrote in about how great Tabitha Stevens was sleeping with Steve the Intern. He said most of the positive e-mail was from guys. Women, on the other hand, were annoyed by Tabitha. One e-mailer pointed out how gay Howard has been lately on the show. Another guy wrote in to say how much he loves the Jim Florentine ''Yaay!'' sound effect they play. A gay guy wrote in and said he finds Artie attractive. He described himself and said that Artie is ''f'n hot'' to him and wanted to come in when he's in the city next month. Artie said he's busy that day. Howard got an e-mail about ''Win Fred's Money'' and how Fred just blows people away in the game. Some people think that they're cheating in the game and giving Fred the answers. Howard may have to change the game so Fred goes first and the listener gets to get stuck in the isolation booth. Howard read an e-mail about Artie and how he seems to shake a lot when he's drinking. Artie said he's just thinking about his next drink when that happens.
Yesterday Howard was trying to figure out what the song ''The Boys of Summer'' was about so someone wrote in and explained what the song was really about. The guy called them idiots for not knowing what it's about. Howard said he can't give his review of ''The Matrix Reloaded'' yet so he will do that on Monday. He said he's going to piss someone off no matter what he says before the movie comes out, so he's going to hold off on that until next week. He said he has strong feelings about the movie but doesn't want to upset either the movie studio or the fans who want to go see it.
Howard did the top five songs and said that the number 5 song was ''Rocket to your Anus'' by Anus the band. He played them on the show yesterday and threw in a couple of their songs. Then he got to the real top five and played some 50 Cent, R. Kelly, Shaun Paul and others. Robin said she's glad there's no Kelly Clarkson in the top 5.
A listener called in and complained about Howard reading e-mail on the air. The guy said it's boring when he does that because it's supposed to be ''talk radio.'' Howard said he likes it and he's still talking. The guy also said that Robin's news is just as boring as the e-mail. Howard said people love that stuff though so he doesn't get it.
Howard took some more phone calls and let some people comment on the show. One guy said Ralph is starting to look like Howard now. He said he's got the same hair cut. Howard said he doesn't know how that happened. The guy wondered what it is about Ralph that makes him his best friend. Howard said he's not his ''best friend'' but he is a good friend. He said his best friend is probably Beth. The guy kept asking about Ralph and tried to find out what the mystery was around him. Howard said he hasn't been going out with Ralph all that much these days. He said he comes over and does some work for him but he hasn't been going out clubbing with him or anything like that lately.
Howard said they have a few guests coming in the next week or so. He said they have Wendy the Retard, Frenchie from ''American Idol'' and the stars of ''Midgets Gone Wild'' coming in soon. He had to take another break after that.
Howard moved on to talk about Jeff the Drunk and how great Artie's impression of him is. Artie did a little bit of that and then Howard talked about how they didn't bring Jeff out to Vegas with them because he's such a pain in the ass. Howard said Jeff is coming in today to announce that he's not going to be annoying anymore. It turns out Jeff heard that Jenna Jameson was coming in and asked if he could take a picture with her. Jeff then asked KC if he had a camera for him because he doesn't have a lot of money to buy one for himself. He's already being a pain in the ass as he always has. KC said Jeff already called him a ''bitch'' this morning out in the hallway too. Howard played ''You Were Always on my Mind'' that Jeff performed a while back. Jeff said he wasn't doing anything wrong this morning and really was going to change his ways. Howard asked Jeff if he learned his lesson after they didn't take him out to Vegas. Jeff said he did learn his lesson but Howard pointed out that he's bugging them for a camera and stuff even though he says he's not bugging them. Jeff complained about losing his driver's license and how he can't get a job because of that. Howard said that's not anyone's fault but his own. Jeff is supposed to be on his best behavior there at the station but Gary came in and said he was doing something there at the station he wasn't supposed to be doing. He apparently smoked some weed and Gary was going to get in trouble for that.
Howard talked to Jeff about how he cried one day when he found out he wasn't going to Vegas with them. Jeff said he was upset he couldn't go with them. Howard also spoke to him about his driver's license being taken away from him. He lost his license and then drove home from court. He got four more tickets that day. He said he was going to take his car home and park it but he was stoned when he got pulled over. Jeff said he has a job stamping hands at a pool now but he sits home during the winter when the pool is closed. Howard wondered how he got that job. Jeff said he has some connections. Howard wondered why someone would need their hand stamped at a pool. He also wondered what they pay someone to do that. Jeff said he wishes he was making $7 an hour. Jeff said he's pretty sure it's $6.20 an hour. He also said he wishes it was more because he's been there for 7 years now. Howard said ''You're stamping hands, it's probably not going to go up.'' They told him that the job is supposed to be for a kid who's out of school for the school year. Howard said he's amazed they even let Jeff around kids at all. Jeff told Howard a story about this black kid who called him ''Whitey'' one time when he pointed out he hadn't paid to get in. Jeff said he responded with a ''Hey, what the hell is that all about?'' Jeff had a few other stories to tell in his drunken state. The story he told didn't make any sense and it was pointless. Robin wondered how old Jeff's boss is since he works at a pool. He didn't give an answer though. Howard and the guys asked him a bunch of other questions about his job and what goes on there. Jeff said the pool usually opens around Memorial Day. He works 5 days a week and has to work on weekends and 3 days during the week.
KC said that Jeff is on welfare so they asked him a couple of questions about that. He somehow finds money to buy beer, cigarettes and weed with. He said those are the things he ''needs.'' KC told him if he didn't drink for one day, he'd be able to buy a disposable camera to take a picture of Jenna Jameson with. Jeff told him his logic is really dumb.
Howard asked Jeff more about the hand stamping thing. Jeff said all he does is stamp hands, he doesn't collect cash or anything like that. Jeff said they wouldn't even let him take home the ink pad and smiley face stamp that he uses.
Howard said Jeff is now being managed by Sean who managed Beetlejuice. He'll be available for appearances through him. Jeff said his other manager sucked and didn't get him more than 3 gigs in 6 months. Jeff said he'd like at least two gigs a month. Howard wondered what he does that would make him worth booking. Jeff basically said he hangs out. He says he's a very friendly person. Howard asked what Jeff did last night when he got into town. He said he met some chick but couldn't remember her name. Artie said, in Jeff's voice, ''I call her 'dead chick in the trunk.'' He eventually remembered her name and it was Jessica Alba. Jeff said he recognized her and asked her if there was anything she wanted him to tell Howard. Jeff said her boyfriend told him to tell Howard he ''...left the key at the front desk but he never came to get it.'' Howard didn't get that and neither did Jeff. He didn't bother asking him what he meant though. Howard said that Jeff can be booked for gigs through JollyDwarf.com. Robin said people could hire him to stamp hands at parties. Howard thought that would be funny but Jeff didn't seem to find it amusing. KC came in a few seconds later with tape of Jeff leaving a message for them about how pissed he was about the way he was treated. Artie did his impression after hearing the tape. Howard said he had to hear it again after Artie goofed on it. Jeff was extremely pissed that day but the message was pretty funny. Howard told Jeff that he can't take a picture with Jenna Jameson today either. He then started to wrap up the segment but Jeff was upset because Howard wouldn't let him perform a song. He told him if he behaves himself from now on, he may be invited to go to Las Vegas the next time they go... if they go again. Howard thanked him for coming in and let him leave.
Jenna talked about how great her career has been lately. They spent a minute on that and then Howard said Jeff the Drunk wanted to meet her. He said he told him ''no'' earlier but he was sitting out in the hall... Howard interrupted himself and said ''forget about him, tell me about this Britney Spears thing...'' Jenna then told Howard what was up with that relationship. Jenna said she was doing this appearance she does only once a year. She goes to this one club and makes an appearance. She was at this event talking about how infatuated she was with Britney Spears and this photographer had just been hanging out with her. The photographer claimed that Britney had a case full of DVDs and found one of Jenna's in her case. Jenna heard that and got all excited that Britney was a fan of hers. She then went to one of her concerts and got to go back stage to meet her. She thought there was a lot of eye contact and winking when she was watching her sound check. Jenna claimed that Britney was looking at her throughout the concert. She said a couple of weeks went by after the concert and she got a phone call from her people who invited her to the opening of Britney's restaurant Nyla. Jenna said she went to that and Britney was wearing a really low cut dress that night. Jenna said she was wearing a white tube top herself. She said she took a nice bath, shaved and prepped herself for her meeting with Britney. She told Howard that she was there about a half hour before Britney got there. She said her people kept her away from Britney and she never got to hang out with her. Jenna said the media had already reported that they were hanging out but she said they never even had a chance to meet. She said the media put that story out there before they even got to hang out. She said they did the same thing with her and Tommy Lee. She ended up talking about how Tommy was too needy with her and that turned her off. She said he always wanted to kiss and make out in public and stuff.
Howard asked Jenna if she wanted to meet Jeff the Drunk. She said she'd do that so Howard had the guys bring him back in. While they were doing that Howard talked to Jenna. Jeff was apparently whining like a baby out in the hall after he left so he's back to being the same old Jeff Curro that he's always been. Howard said they're not going to put up with it anymore. Howard let him meet Jenna. He said ''I just wanted to say, (clicking his cheek) Kudos.'' Jenna said she was afraid he was going to come on to her or something when he came in. He also told her he's wiped up to her more than anyone else. Howard wanted to give him a chance to win $500 if he could walk a straight line. They had a line on the floor for him to follow but he wasn't able to do it. He was so drunk he couldn't stand up straight. KC was laughing his ass off the whole time he tried it. Howard decided to give him the $500 anyway. The money was courtesy of the movie ''Equilibrium'' which came out this week.
Gary asked Jenna if she ever did a black guy in a porn movie. She said she never has but it's just because she's not into black guys. She said she doesn't think that sleeping with black guys devalues a porn star like Tabitha Stevens seems to think. That led to the guys talking about how Jenna and Tabitha don't get along anymore even though they used to be friends. Howard asked her about that and about some of the other fights Jenna has been in with other people. Jenna told Howard about how she spit on this one woman when they were in a bar and the woman punched her in the eye.
Howard gave Jenna a plug for her web site ClubJenna.com and took some phone calls for her. One guy, pretending to be a black guy, asked her why she won't sleep with black guys. She said it's not a racism thing. Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said he heard that Jenna was actually the one who put out the Britney Spears story herself to make herself more ''mainstream.'' Jenna told Chaunce that wasn't true, she didn't put that story out there. A woman called in and asked Jenna why she'd get married if she loves having sex with women so much. Howard wondered the same thing and said that there's really no reason for Jenna to get married. Gary came in and said she told him that they've lived together for 3 years to make sure things will work and they are working. She knows that marriage may screw that up though so Howard wonders why she'd even consider it. Howard offered to give her some of his sperm if she'd sign something saying she won't bother him with the kid when it's born. She just laughed.
Gary also asked Jenna about her father and what happened between them. Jenna said her father moved away with a woman and lived away from her for a while. Now he's back in town and she feels that she's like the parent in the relationship because her father is so immature.
Howard took a call from a soldier who just spent a year in Afghanistan. He said he'd like to spend one night with her. Howard asked Jenna if she'd be willing to be in a contest where the winner would get hand release from her. She said she'd think about it. KC interrupted them and asked if he could remove Jeff because he was over in the corner farting. Jeff told Jenna to have a nice day as he was being taken out. Howard got back to the soldier thing and said he'd call the game ''Hand for Heroes.'' He also asked her if she's worth over $10 million these days. She said she is and her web site ClubJenna.com is doing really great. She said she owes a lot to Howard because he helped her out in the beginning and said he knew she'd be a star. She said the movies pay her a lot of money. She can make $100,000 per movie. She said she gets royalties on top of that. Plus, she produces her own movies and distributes them to Vivid Video.
Howard asked Jenna about her relationship with Marilyn Manson and what sex with him was like. She said that he was good in bed but kind of strange. She said he was kind of hard and liked to kiss her in odd places. She said he had this thing with the inside of her elbow that was almost vampire like. She said he was very passionate though.
Double A called in and asked Jenna why she doesn't hook up with Howard's girlfriend Beth. Jenna said she finds her very beautiful but Howard said he wouldn't want that to happen because Jenna is known for converting women to lesbianism. The guys also asked her if she ever went out with Dennis Rodman. She said she didn't because everything with him is about publicity. She said they pretended to be going out one time but that was it. Double A also asked Jenna to moan his name for him. She did that and got him off for a few seconds. Artie asked her to do the same for him and he got all caught up in it and said he might have to go to the bathroom and take care of himself. He said he was going to go ask Scott the Engineer to loop that clip for him. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard heard that he was flirting with his girlfriend last night at some event she was interviewing him at. Bernie said he doesn't remember doing that though. Howard and Bernie talked about masturbation a little bit after that. Bernie said he doesn't really find that interesting to ''choke the chicken'' or ''stroke one off.'' He said he doesn't find that interesting to him and he's never done it. He said strip clubs don't turn him on either. He said he can't just have a woman standing there dancing in front of him like that. Bernie swore that he's never ''choked the chicken'' in his life. He said he doesn't lie about stuff like that and he was telling the truth about it. He said he's up close and personal with his women.
Howard spoke to Bernie about his book ''Maybe You Never Cry Again'' which just came out recently. Howard said he read a section of the book about Bernie meeting his father for the first time when he was about 8 years old. He said his father showed up really late the day he was supposed to be there. Bernie said his mother wanted him to take off the suit and stuff he was wearing to impress his father. When he finally showed up his father told him he bought this car for him and he didn't have any money left to buy gas for the car. He asked if he had any money in the house so he could buy some gas. Bernie broke open his piggy bank and gave his father about $40. He said his mother came home shortly after that and the two of them went at it. Bernie said he saw his father swing at his mother so he tried to stop them. He said his father took a swing at him as well when he tried to break them up. Bernie said that was the first time he ever saw how abusive his father was. He said he turned that experience into a positive thing after that. He said his mother was the strong one in his life and he learned a lot from her. Howard talked to Bernie about working with Judith Regan. Howard worked with her on his book so he shared some stories with Bernie about that.
Howard heard that Bernie broke down and cried on the TV show ''The Pulse'' so he asked him about that. Bernie said they kept pushing him about his mother for three hours and he just got upset thinking about how much he missed her. He said she passed away when he was only 15 years old. Howard said Bernie writes about seeing his mother naked when he was a young kid and knew there was something wrong with his mother when he saw the scar on her chest. He said her right side breast was gone and he knew something was wrong. He asked his grandmother what was going on with his mom. She told him to go ask his mama what was wrong but she refused to talk about it because she didn't want him to know. He said she wrote a 10 page letter to his aunt before she died and in the letter, she says that there's no reason to worry about Bernie because he will surpass everyone.
Howard asked Bernie if he ever saw his mother nude from the waist down. Bernie said he never saw that. Howard told Bernie about how he saw his mother's bush. He said he asked his mama what was wrong with her down there. Howard said Bernie is strong about that stuff and he was able to make people laugh even at funerals. Bernie said if you can go up on stage and not be afraid to fail, then you've got it made. He said you have no one else to blame when you're on stage if you do fail. Howard brought up the phone call they had earlier in the show from the guy who saw Dave Chappelle getting pissed with a heckler. Bernie said he can go all day on a heckler so if someone comes after him, he's going to go off on them. The only people who hear the heckler are the people in his general area anyway. The whole crowd doesn't hear them. Bernie said that's why he does big comedy shows in auditoriums and stuff because small clubs are too intimate.
Howard brought up how Bernie is in the new ''Charlie's Angels'' movie. He plays Bosley in this one because Bill Murray couldn't do it again. Bernie said that they do explain the new Bosley in the movie and it works. Bernie said he got along just fine with the women in the movie. Howard found that hard to believe but Bernie said they were all nice to him.
Howard gave Bernie another plug for his book and for ''The Bernie Mac Show'' which airs Wednesday nights at 9pm on FOX. Howard and Bernie complimented each other a little bit and then Bernie said some nice things about Robin. Howard said Bernie didn't look at him once during the interview, he kept looking at Robin. Howard was asking the questions and Bernie was answering to Robin.
Howard said he heard that he once said that he wouldn't do the Jimmy Kimmel show because it's beneath him. Bernie said he never said that and if he had, he'd admit it. Howard and Bernie had a little fun talking about Robin as Howard was wrapping up the interview. Howard mentioned her anal sex experience and told Bernie to ''use a couple of fingers on her'' as he was saying goodbye to her. He went to break a short time later.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker after that. Mike was calling in from England again this morning. Howard and Mike talked about the Laci Peterson case and some of the horrible things the cops found when they searched the boat she was probably on when she was killed. Mike said they apparently found her vomit and blood in the mop they found. Howard joked that he has vomit and blood in mops in his place too so it shouldn't sound that suspicious. Howard moved on to the game shortly after that depressing news. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had Robin start her news after the game. A short time later a guy called in and said he saw an ad for a comedy show that was being billed as ''Howard Stern All Stars'' with KC Armstrong, Otto and George and some other guy. Howard got pissed and called KC in. KC said he's not even doing that show and he's going to find out why they're using Howard's name like that in the ad. Howard told KC he doesn't want him doing anymore shows if they're going to use his name like that. KC said he'd find out what was going on and give Howard a full report. Sal the Stockbroker called in and said that comedy show should be called the ''Howard Stern Falling Stars'' instead of all stars. He also asked Howard how many stars he'll give to ''The Matrix Reloaded.'' Howard said he'll talk about that on Monday. Sal asked him why, Howard said he'll talk about it on Monday. Sal continued his questioning and Howard had to hang up on him. He said it's a political thing.
Robin mentioned that last night's ''Friends'' was really funny and had to give kudos to them for being able to pull that off in an hour long show. Howard said he's glad she brought that up because he forgot about it. He agreed and said that it really was a funny episode. Yesterday he said they can never pull off an hour long show and make it funny. Turns out he was wrong.