Howard said this time change has him screwed up and tired. He went on to say that it was so cold and miserable this weekend he just stayed home and watched movies. He said that he was going to go out to Long Island but stayed home. He said he saw the movie ''Normal'' on HBO and it should have been out in the theaters because it was so good. He said he also watched an old episode of ''The Sopranos'' that was great.
Howard said he got the movie ''8 Mile'' and watched that. He said it was the worst movie he ever saw. He said he can't believe that anyone bought into the hype about the movie. He said it wasn't made for anyone. Brittany Murphy and Eminem were horrible in the movie according to Howard. He said Kim Basinger was awful in it too. He said there was no story in it at all. He said ''Purple Rain'' was great compared to that movie. Robin told him that ''Purple Rain'' was made for his generation and ''8 Mile'' was made for another generation. Howard said that at least in ''Purple Rain'' you got to see Prince perform some songs. He said Eminem doesn't do that because he's moping around all the time or puking in the background. Artie pointed out that at least Prince is a guitar player and you can enjoy his talents in his movie. Eminem has none of that because the music they play is all studio music. Gary said that Robin told him that she liked ''8 Mile'' after seeing it. She said she took it for what it was and liked it. Howard said he was arguing with the movie while he was watching it.
Howard said he rented ''Swept Away'' with Madonna. He said he knew it was going to suck but had to see it anyway. Howard said ''Swept Away'' should get an Academy Award over ''8 Mile'' even though it might be the worst movie ever made. He said Madonna must have worked out ever minute between shoots because she was so pumped up in every scene. Howard said the original ''Swept Away'' was great and this remake was just horrible. He said they even changed the ending and made a mess out of the movie. He said there's no sex scenes and it's not sexy. Robin said she saw it over the weekend also. Stuttering John said he rented it just to see the sex scenes... and there were none.
Howard said Gary told him that ''The Bourne Identity'' was great so he rented that too. He said that turned out to be horrible too. He said it started out great but after 10 minutes they started a long car chase. He said that Matt Damon was terrible in the movie and the chick was ugly. He said he can see women like that walking down the street in New York City any day. He said he couldn't even make it to the end of the movie. He said out of the three movies, ''Swept Away'' was probably the best, and it was horrible.
Howard went on to talk about going out to eat a couple of times over the weekend. He took his parents out to the restaurant Jean George. He said he ended up ordering everything for everyone instead of letting them order their own stuff. Howard said he mother told him not to order so much food but they ended up eating everything he ordered. Howard told Robin he got his father drunk because his mother doesn't usually let his father drink because he gets red faced and snores afterward. Howard said he also blew their minds when he invited them to Las Vegas. Howard said he told them they could go with him and hang out in Vegas for a few days but his mother wasn't into it. Howard said his father's eyes lit up when he got the invite. His mother squashed those plans though and turned down the offer.
Howard said he was on his way to the restaurant and ran into Jim Carrey in an elevator. Howard said his dad thought he knew who Jim was but said he wasn't going to say who he thought he was. Howard said Jim was cool and very gracious. Howard said once they got down to the street and started walking, his father turned to him, with Jim about 10 feet behind, and said something like ''You know who I thought that was? Jim Carrey!'' Howard's mother said ''Of course it was Jim Carrey, why didn't you say that?'' Howard said his parents were yelling at each other about that and poor Jim was walking just feet behind them. Howard said his father said he would have invited Jim to dinner if he'd known it was actually him because he's a big fan.
Gary said his parents do embarrassing stuff when he's out with them. He said his mother grabs paper napkins, plastic forks and knives and other stuff when they go out to eat. He said it's like she doesn't know the depression is over. Robin said her parents cleared out a mini-bar one time like the stuff was free. Howard went on to say that they had a great time at Jean George. He said the food was great too. He had to take a break after that discussion.
Artie said that he's got some bets going tonight on some college basketball. He said he won't know who won until tomorrow morning because he can't stay up late enough to watch the whole game. The guys talked about Artie's bets and how he bets against Tiger Woods every year and ends up losing.
Howard said he has a story about the owners of Telepictures, Jim Perritori and Bruce Rosenblum, and how the Caroline Reah show has been canceled but they're not telling anyone. He said they're still booking guests and not telling sponsors that they've been canceled. Howard said according to his sources, the show isn't supposed to be renewed. He said he could be wrong, but he's pretty sure he's right from what his inside sources are telling him. Howard told them to be honest and let their sponsors know. Howard wants to expose these guys because they're the ones who ripped him off with the ''Are You Hot?'' show.
Howard said that they're still taking entries for the Miss Buttaface contest that they're doing in Las Vegas. He said a lot of the entries they're getting are guys taking pictures of his head or Artie's head and putting them on a hot chick's body. He said they get the joke and it's enough already. Howard talked about the contest and how that's supposed to be going. Robin told Howard about a woman she knows who would be good in the contest. After describing her for a few seconds Howard said he thinks he knows who she's talking about. Howard said you can enter the contest or find out more about it by e-mailing them at Contest@HowardStern.com or visit HowardStern.com for more details.
Howard had a guy on the phone who said he dated this chick who had a butter face but he doesn't know how to tell her so he asked Howard if he could call her and talk to her. The guy eventually told Howard that the chick he was talking about was his girlfriend Beth. Howard had a feeling it was a goof and he was right. He went on to say that Beth actually said she'd enter the contest because the prize is $25,000. Howard said she wouldn't win though.
Another guy called in and told Howard he wanted his help telling his woman about the contest. The guys were saying how hard it is to tell a woman that they're going to be in a contest where they'll be judged on how great their bodies are and how horrible their face is. Artie said you have to tell them that it's a contest for great bodies. He said they'd tell them that they're going to be judged on their bodies first and their faces are covered to be judged after. The guy on the phone said he'd work on it and try to put it together. Howard said they'll be doing this during their visit to Las Vegas from April 22nd to the 24th.
Another caller, who called in last week, asked Howard if he came up with what to say to his girl. Howard told the guy what they're going to tell her so he could decide if he wanted to tell her himself or not. The guy didn't get that they had to enter her into the contest and she had to know that she was going to be in it. He said he was going to give them her info but they needed more than that.
Another caller said he told this girl Beth about this contest and when she found out what it was all about she stopped talking to him. He said her face is really bad and some guys call her ''grandma'' because she looks so bad. Stuttering John came in and said you can tell your girl that you know she's beautiful but the guys on the Stern Show are really horrible and don't know what they're talking about. John was doing an accent that was just weird so they wondered what he was up to. Howard said he didn't get what John was saying either. The guys tried to come up with some other stuff that guys can tell their girls to get them to enter the contest. Howard said you can tell the girl that they can't find women to enter the contest so if they just enter they have a good chance of winning.
A woman called in and said you have to find out if the woman thinks she has a better face or a better body. If she thinks her body is better, then you work with her on that. She said if they think their face is better then you should bail out on the whole idea. Howard thought her ideas were pretty good. She said that if you do it that way, then you're assured you'll have willing participants in the contest.
Howard said they have a hot chick there today. He said Nicole Narain coming in later as well as Steve O from ''Jackass.'' They talked about Steve O getting into some trouble recently after stapling his nuts to his leg somewhere that he wasn't supposed to.
Howard and Robin spent some time talking about the Iraq war and what's going on over there. Howard said they had video of Saddam Hussein walking around the streets kissing babies and stuff and the CIA is looking into it to figure out if it's a fake or not. Howard said every time he sees the guy, he has a different look. Sometimes he has big glasses and sometimes he's got none and he's wearing a nice suit. It varies all over the place. Howard said they know he has a lot of body doubles. He said he wished they had that many body doubles of Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson.
Howard brought up this new epidemic of SARS that's going around. Howard said it's in our country now but no one has died yet. They spent a short time on that before Howard brought in Nicole Narain.
Nude model Nicole Narain came in to promote ''Playboy: Shooting Stars - Hip Hop and Rock'' DVD. Howard said she was wearing those really low jeans they call Franke B's. He asked her what she was there to promote. She told him about this Playboy's Hip Hop and Rock thing and explained how Nelly shot some video for the DVD. Artie said a guy like that shouldn't be doing something like that because he can get chicks. Artie told Nicole that he shot some stuff of Lindsey Vuolo not too long ago and he's a guy who can't get hot chicks. Nicole didn't believe that he actually shot Lindsey nude though. He swore he did but she still didn't believe him. Even Howard backed him up and she still didn't believe it.
Howard and Robin asked Nicole about banging guys and stuff. She used to date Colin Farrell so they talked about that for a little while. She said she met him at the Playboy Mansion last July. She said he was really charming and she had no idea that he was banging so many chicks. She said he drinks and smokes a lot and the smoking thing really turns her off. She said even with that he was so charming that she couldn't turn him down.
Howard asked Nicole why she wasn't wearing a skirt like she was the last time she was on the show. She said she hates skirts because she doesn't like her legs. Howard asked her if she has cankles or something like that. She said she just doesn't like them. Howard got back to Colin Farrell for a short time and asked her more about that relationship. Howard said he comes off as a dick in interviews. Nicole said that's true and after going out with him she couldn't believe he was the same guy she'd met. Howard read some notes about them and she claims she was very surprised at the size of his package. Howard read that he had sex with her 4 times before midnight on their first date. Howard also read that he badgered her to do anal but she wouldn't do it. Nicole said she doesn't want to do that and she hasn't done it. Howard said he's not a fan of that either. He said it can get messy and stinky.
Howard read that Colin would beg to have sex with her every morning when they woke up. He also read that he broke it off with her after she told him she loved him. She said his career was taking off and that's what broke it off.
Howard read that Nicole had slept with Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit but she said that's not true. Gary came in and said that he talked to the guy who Nicole did the interview with and he stands behind all of the quotes from this article Howard was reading. She said they're not true though.
Howard told Nicole he could give her anal and she wouldn't even know he was there. He told her how hot she is and gave her another plug for the DVD and an appearance she's making from noon to 2 tomorrow at FYE on 51st and 6th in New York City.
Howard took some phone calls for Nicole and let some guys talk to her. Jeff the Drunk was one of the callers. Howard asked Nicole if she'd like to go out with him but she wasn't having any part of that. Jeff just wanted to know if he could go out to Vegas with Howard later this month. Howard took a couple more phone calls and then wrapped up the interview.
During the commercial break Howard was talking about how hot Nicole was. He said that he was having a private conversation with her and Stuttering John and Gary were standing there trying to hear them. John said he couldn't hear a word he was saying to her though. John said her ass was nice and small and her body was perfect. Howard said he'd give her a 10 on a scale of 10.
Gary brought up how the guy from America's Most Wanted is out banging chicks and you never look at the guy the same way when you hear about stuff like that. They also talked about Frank Gifford and how he wanted to give anal to that chick he was going to bang. Howard said that's a very peculiar thing for a guy to do, especially on the first date. Howard said he's done it before and there has been accidents down there. Gary said he did it with a girl in the front seat of his car one time. He said her back was against the steering wheel. Howard said Gary used to get tons of chicks and even made one throw up. Howard said all he needs is what's between a woman's legs. Artie said that's something he's never done because it just grosses him out. Howard said there are odd feelings when you do that to a woman, especially if she's had a big dinner or something. Gary said he's never had that problem before. Howard found that hard to believe though. Stuttering John claims that he's done that with just about every woman he's been with. John asked Gary if he's ever done it with his wife before. Gary wasn't even sure if he had but if he did, it was many years ago. Gary said they don't even discuss stuff like that anymore.
Robin got in on the conversation and talked about the guy that took her analy in a restroom one time. She said he was a magician and was amazed by him. She didn't talk about it for long though. The guys also talked about how some women will only do anal or oral. Stuttering John said oral takes too long and he's not a big fan. Howard agreed with that but Artie said he loves oral. Howard said he just wants a woman to give him sex, normal sex. artie was talking about how great it is when a chick is doing that to him and how he likes to put his hand on their head.
Gary told Howard they had some great interviews from Gary Garver out in L.A. He said Gary got one with Lorenzo Lamas from ''Are You Hot?'' Howard pointed out how he ripped off Ralph's use of the laser pointer to show flaws on women they evaluate. Here's what Gary Garver asked him:
Up next was Alan Young from ''Mr. Ed.'' Here's what Garver asked him:
David Carradine was up next. Howard explained who he was and how he was on the TV show ''Kung Fu.'' Here's what Garver asked him:
Howard wrapped up with a final interview with Mackenzie Phillips. Here are a few of the questions he asked her:
Howard looked over at Artie at one point and said he had a big black smudge on his face again. He said every day Artie has that smudge on his face. Artie said he reads the paper and puts his hand on his face as he's reading it.
Howard went through the movies that were out this weekend. They went through that and Gary came in a minute later. He said Steve O was preparing for his stunt out in the green room and it was kind of disturbing. Howard read some e-mail while he waited for Steve to come in. Howard was going to give up on the mail because he figured Steve wouldn't be able to sit through it. Howard told Steve that the midget, Wee Man, that he works with in the Jackass videos was bad mouthing him when he was on recently. Howard played the tape of Wee Man badmouthing Steve. Wee Man claims that Steve uses their names to sell out concerts he does and he doesn't give them any money. Steve O said that it's the publicist that gives out the info to the places they book. Steve said he doesn't know why Wee Man is doing bachelor parties because he could be doing better stuff. Steve said he likes Wee Man and wanted to change subjects.
Howard asked Steve what's going on with getting paid for the Jackass movie. He said he's working on it and doesn't want to talk about it. Howard continued to ask him questions about it though. Steve said he's got so much other stuff to talk about, he didn't want to talk about that.
Steve O said he was arrested on tour recently and got arrested for stapling his nuts to his leg. He ended up getting arrested and bail was set at $1.1 million. He said he got arrested at his apartment in L.A. and the cops weren't even that happy about having to do it. He said it was all because of this one appearance in Louisiana. Howard asked him what else he does in the show. Steve staples stuff to his body and stuff like that. Howard had him explain what he does on stage. First thing is getting drunk. He said he'll snort salt up his nose and drink some tequila. He ends up puking from snorting so much salt. Then he squirts lime juice in his eyeball. His eyes are killing him so his co-stars then hock up lougies into his eyes to stop the burn. Robin was ready to leave by that point. Artie said he'd just be getting settled in. Steve said after that he says that his father gets upset with what he does and he's not showing much talent. He then puts a butcher knife on his nose and balances it there. He said he has gotten injured doing that before. Steve said he's also been choked until he's unconscious on stage.
Gary came in and said one of Steve O's buddies has burn marks on his face from a fireball that they did. Howard said he didn't want to see that. Steve talked about some of the other stuff he's done in his shows. Howard gave him a plug for his ''Don't Try This At Home'' DVDs and said you can find his tour dates and other stuff at SteveOVideo.com
Howard asked Steve why he does this stuff and continues to destroy his body. He wondered how much he gets paid to do this stuff. Steve said he doesn't do it for the money. Steve didn't want to waste time on that subject though. He told Howard he was too focused on that part. Howard asked him if he gets over ten grand to do that. He said he wasn't going there though. Howard wanted to ask his manager, who was the guy with the scars on his face, so he had him come in. Howard asked Steve how many stunts he does during his show. He said he does about 10 or so. Steve O's manager came in a minute later. Howard said the scars are really bad on his face. Howard asked them what happened so Steve explained that they were in Switzerland and they used some kind of fuel to spit fire. The manager said the stuff had more flammable stuff in it than the stuff they use in the States. The manager said that they can sometimes get $20,000 for an appearance but that doesn't happen all the time. The manager said he gets whatever he can from the clubs they appear at.
Steve told Howard he had to unwrap his penis because it was cutting off the circulation. Howard had him hold off and explain what he was doing. He'd taken all the tape they had at the station and wrapped up his whole package. Howard asked him what he was doing. He said he was going to ruin his penis doing that. Steve then pulled off the tape while Howard cringed and said ''Ow, ow, ow!'' Howard told him to put it back in his pants as soon as he was done. Steve said it didn't hurt that bad.
Howard read that Steve turned down the Penthouse Pet of the Millennium. Steve said she was playing some mental games with him. He met her on the Jimmy Kimmel show. He said he told her that there's no reason for him to bang her. She didn't actually ask him to have sex with her.
Howard took some phone calls for Steve and gave him some more plugs for his videos. Steve said they have that young, hot chick Dee in the videos. He said she has a huge fan base and someone should use her because she's willing to do anything. He said they can't handle her because she's so nutty. A listener called in and told Howard about some of the stuff on Steve O's videos. They light that hot chick on fire and it's really disturbing. Steve said they're not working with her right now because once she gets a drink or two in her, she goes nuts. Artie thought it was funny that these two guys were saying that she's too hard to handle. Howard gave Steve a couple more plugs and let Steve say a few words before wrapping up the interview. Steve said he has a 19 year old girlfriend that he really likes. He met her when she was just 18. Howard wished Steve's manager Nick luck with his facial burns and suggested that he go see a plastic surgeon.
A listener told Howard to ask Steve if he'd be willing to do the Scott the Engineer thing where he'd take anal from a porn star for $250,000. Steve said he'd never do that, even back in the day. Howard was wrapping up the interview but Steve was playing with himself so Howard wondered what he was doing. Howard said he was naked and when he did whatever it was he did, Howard said he couldn't even describe it, we'd have to see it on TV. He went to commercial break right after that.
Howard said Gilbert is considered the top comic in the United States right now. Howard mentioned the Afflak duck commercials and Robin thought they'd been taken away from Gilbert. Gilbert said ''not yet... don't give them any ideas.'' Howard said he's also appearing on ''Hollywood Squares'' for another season so he's ''pistol hot!'' He was joking around of course. Gilbert told Howard they also asked him to do the ''Surreal Life'' show but he turned that down. Howard asked him why he turned it down because it would have meant free meals. Gilbert said that would have been too embarrassing even for him to do. Gilbert said that he does have an agent that represents him and keeps him out of shows like that. Howard asked Gilbert who handles all of this bookings and sets up his hotels and stuff. He's appearing at the Grove Theater in Stuttering John and Friends comedy show. He said he's a little leary about that gig. He said everything was set up for them already but he's waiting to see what happens.
Howard read a review of one of Gilbert's gigs. The reviewer said that Gilbert's ship was sinking during his act and he sweated and suffered through some of his old horror film star impressions. Howard figures it's the area of the country that might not get the humor in that. Gilbert said the reason he was sweating at the gig was because it was in the middle of the summer. Gilbert said the reviewer also said that when his act was failing he resorted to doing homosexual humor. Gilbert was laughing at his own bad review and said when his act starts to fail he just blurts out and calls the audience ''faggots'' and stuff like that. He also said that they'll tell him that there will be young girls in the crowd and he'll just use the C-word because of that.
Howard said Gary told him that he saw no less that three cartoons on Nickelodeon featuring Gilbert's voice. Gilbert said those cartoons are very lucrative. They talked about that for a short time and Gilbert did some voices and yelled out some more ''faggot'' lines.
Howard said Gilbert does an old Abbot and Costello routine while doing his Bella Lugosi impression. He wondered if he just finds one act that works and does it to death. Gilbert just kept laughing as Howard questioned him about his career. Howard asked him if he's ever considered suicide. Gilbert continued to laugh and said he couldn't do that. He said he'd be scared to do it through the roof of his mouth, he'd have to put it to his head. Howard said he pictures Gilbert killing himself with a plastic bag over his head or something goofy like that.
Howard gave Gilbert another plug for his appearance at the Grove Theater with Stuttering John and Friends (Artie, Nick DiPaolo and Modi as well) April 11th and 12th. He said Gilbert will be doing his ''Who's on first'' bit as Bella Lugosi. He had to take a break a short time later. After the break Howard had Robin do her news. Gilbert stuck around to comment on the news stories she went through. Howard interrupted the news a couple of times to talk to Gilbert. He asked him about his apartment and whether or not he has someone come in to clean his apartment. Gilbert said he's had someone there maybe two times. Stuttering John came in and asked him if the place is rent controlled because he's seen it and it looks like he lives in the projects or something. Gilbert ended up goofing on John's stutter and made this choking, gaging sound.
After the break Howard had the Ozzy Osbourne with Type O Negative song ''Pictures of Matchstick Men'' from his movie soundtrack playing in the background. He said he put them together for the ''Private Parts'' soundtrack. He said the song was great and thought that it would have been a big hit. Artie mentioned the fact that Rob Zombie, who did a song with Howard for that soundtrack album, has a new movie out and it's being advertised on their station. Howard said that Rob is calling in later in the morning. Howard had the guys play more of the ''Pictures of Matchstick Men'' and talked about how Type O Negative laid down the music bed and didn't know who should sing. Howard said he suggested Ozzy and thought that they'd be able to sit back and watch the money roll in. Howard and the guys tried to figure out what the song is about, other than pictures of matchstick men. He had the guys get him the lyrics so he could try to figure it out.
Howard was talking about the news that we bombed a building where Saddam Hussein was believed to have been yesterday. He talked about how many years ago the British sold Iraq a communication system that scrambled their communications. The British found a way to decode the scrambled communications and discovered he was at this restaurant in a bunker so they dropped a ''bunker busting'' bomb on the restaurant. They're not sure if he was killed yet though. Robin said they've pulled three bodies out so far and have to do some DNA testing before they'll know. She also said Saddam is always meeting with his sons when they go after him like this. Howard was doing an impression of Saddam as if he was talking to his sons. Howard said he hopes he wasn't in there because he wants a more dramatic end to his regime. He said he wants to see him dragged through the streets or put on Barbara Walters. Howard said he enjoyed seeing Saddam's statue toppled on the news. He said he also saw that the troops stopped in Saddam's palace to see how nice that was. They were impressed with how nice everything was. Howard said he doesn't know what we're going to do with these guys if we ever catch them.
Robin said that Howard was screaming that no one was being deported after 9/11 but it turns out that there were people being secretly deported from our country. She said some people who weren't doing anything wrong were deported too. Howard didn't seem upset about that and said that might help get the message through to these people that they can't screw with us.
Howard said he can't wait for Lisa Marie to come in. He said he wants to ask her what it's like to wake up next to Michael Jackson knowing that when he wakes up his face is going to be a mess. He's also wondering about his penis and if it's discolored like they said in a court case against him.
Howard mentioned that Robin has had a lot of Vin Diesel interview clips over the past few days and wondered if she's going to bore him again today with more. Robin said she hangs on his every word and loves the clips. Howard played a couple and asked her if she was interested as she was listening. She loved it but Howard thought he was talking too slow so he was speeding up the clips.
Howard asked Artie how he did betting on the basketball games that have been on lately. He said he rode Syracuse through the whole thing so he's up $5,000 now. He's got plenty of money for gambling out in Vegas later this month. Howard also asked him what happened with his suspended account on Crazy Cabbie's web site. Artie said his account was reactivated but Scott the Engineer's was still suspended for some reason.
A listener called in laughing hysterically about how funny Vin Diesel sounded when Howard sped up the clips. He said he should do that all the time. Howard played some more clips and sped them up too. Fred did his impression of Lurch from the Addams Family which sounds very much like Vin Diesel.
A listener called in and asked Howard why he thinks Iran is next after Iraq as far as a war. Howard explained to the guy what he thinks we have to take care of out there. He said it's just the beginning of the war on terrorism and all of these countries are thinking twice about attacking us.
Howard was wondering if the ''Girls Gone Wild'' creator was out of jail yet. Robin was wondering if the ''Girls Gone Wild'' commercials were still running on E!. The caller Howard had on said he saw them last night.
Howard read the lyrics to ''Pictures of Matchstick Men'' and tried to figure them out. He said he thinks it's about someone who died. Howard said the guy who wrote it must have been crazy. Robin had a theory on what she thought it was about too and Artie thought she was pretty good at figuring that stuff out. She figured it was someone who was haunted by another person. Howard said the band who wrote the song Status Quo.
Howard mentioned their trip to Las Vegas and the big $100,000 bet they're going to be holding courtesy of GoldenPalace.com. They're also going to be doing a special Win Fred's Money out there. Howard said that will be sponsored by Permatex. After talking about that Howard said Tom has sponsors for everything they're doing out there so he'll be reading a lot of commercials when they go there later this month.
Howard took a call from a listener who said he wanted to hear Howard and The Losers version of Herdy Gerdy Man because he couldn't get it out of his head. Howard played it for him and talked about the song a little bit. Stuttering John came in and said it was their best song ever. Howard said people told him that their cover of Neil Young's ''Old Man'' was their best. Howard went on to play some AC/DC where Artie sang along with them. Artie said the look on Angus Young's face was great because he was looking at him like ''what the hell is this?'' Howard played The Losers cover of ''Old Man'' and said that has to be their best song yet. He also played their cover of ''Spirit in the Sky.'' Gary said he liked that one and ''Herdy Gerdy Man'' also. He said he'd listen to an album with those songs on it if Howard put one out. He took a break shortly after that.
Howard said he wonders why it took Rob Zombie so long to release this movie ''House of 100 Corpses'' he's got out now. Rob was on the phone so he told Howard it only took two years to get it out. Howard asked Rob to give them a quick rundown of what the movie is about. Rob said someone described it as an ''Uber celebration of depravity.'' He told Howard a couple of other things about the movie like the fact that his wife is in it. That led to Howard talking about how he was invited to the wedding and really wanted to go. He ended up getting bumped from the guest list though. He explained how he got an invitation and then a cancellation. He said the next thing he knew they were married. Rob said that they invited Howard and he just didn't show up. Rob said he was invited though. Howard said he still owes Rob a gift since he was apparently invited. Howard went on to ask Rob about his wife and whether or not he gives her anal and if they swing with other people. Howard asked Rob what other celebrities were at their wedding. He said Lisa Marie Presley was there as well as Tommy Lee. He said it wasn't meant to be a celebrity-fest so there weren't too many there. Rob said they had a DJ at the reception but he didn't do any dancing.
A woman called in and said she has already seen Rob's movie on a bootleg tape. It hasn't even hit the theaters yet. Howard asked Rob if that drives him nuts. The woman said the movie was great and Rob is a genius because it was funny.
Rob said the movie will be released this Friday. Robin said that Rob would never show them the movie years ago when he was trying to get it released. Rob said it wasn't finished yet, that's why he wasn't showing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Rob for putting this movie out finally. The guy also had some questions for Rob about his music and wondered why Rob has never played ''Scum of the Earth'' live in one of his concerts. Howard heard that and said he had to get off the phone with the guy. He asked Rob to just play it for the guy in concert. Howard told Rob to give him his new phone number sometime. Rob said he was pretty sure he had it already but Howard said he really didn't. Rob told him he'd give it to someone in the office. Howard told him not to give it to Stuttering John though because he'd end up calling him.
After getting off the phone with Rob Howard spent a short time talking about the SARS epidemic and how they're saying it has possibly come from a strain of chlamydia. He said if there is a god up there it must be a big, fat, angry lesbian. He said he can't believe this SARS is related to sex in anyway.
Howard was thinking about Lisa Marie again and was wondering what she does all day because she doesn't have to work for money. The guys spent a short time talking about that and her schooling. Gary told Howard that she was going to be there any minute and she had an advance person there making sure everything was cool. He said the person has an earpiece like a secret service guy. Howard said it must be tough to be with a woman like that because she's used to having everything she needs. Gary said they should have had a bunch of appliances in there to see if she'd be able to use them. Howard said if he were dating Lisa Marie he'd give her a vacuum cleaner and tell her it was a time machine. He said he'd also go on vacation all the time with her and quit his job. Artie said he'd do that and tell her ''I'm taking the jet bitch!'' when he wanted to fly somewhere. Howard said he had to take another break before she came in. Robin mentioned that she is a cute girl but she has that gummy smile that Howard doesn't like. Howard wondered why she was mentioning that at this time. Howard spent another few seconds on that before taking a break so he could get to her as soon as she got up to the studio.
Howard had the guys bring Lisa Marie in after talking to John for a few seconds. She was wearing an overcoat so he asked her to remove it. He said he could tell she was very nervous when she came in. She was wearing a mini-skirt that looked pretty good. She immediately asked Robin what she meant about the ''gummy smile'' comment she'd made earlier in the morning. She wasn't showing any gummy smile when she came in. Howard told her it wasn't a gummy smile, it was a yummy smile to him.
Howard said that being married to her would be great not just because she's hot, but because she's got all of that money. Howard asked her if she's ever used a vacuum in her life. She said of course she has but she doesn't anymore. She told Howard she went to boarding school when she was younger and had to do a lot of work there. She said her mother got more than she bargained for with her.
Howard told Lisa Marie that if he was with her he'd make her mother work for them for sending her to boarding school. Howard said if he was lucky enough to be with her he'd just do fun stuff with her all the time. Howard said if the sex is good, he's there. Lisa Marie said she spent enough time doing nothing in her life, now she keeps busy.
Howard brought up some of the people Lisa Marie has been with like Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson. He said they'd get to more of that later though. He went on to talk to her about how her father, Elvis, left her all of his money. He didn't leave it to her mother. Lisa Marie is Chairman of the Board for Elvis Inc. Howard said he'd sit there at the meetings with her if he was with her. He said he'd run it with an iron fist. He asked her if she owns her own jet. She said they rent one instead of owning one. Howard said he'd make her buy one if he was with her. He said it would be called ''The Howard Stern Jet.'' Howard and Robin brought up Priscilla and how she draws a salary from Elvis Inc. Lisa is in charge of all of that. She said her mother does pretty well with that.
Lisa Marie sounded a little hostile as she was talking about how she had to get out of the house when she was sent away to boarding school. She said she wasn't hostile though. Howard went on to ask her about when she started having boyfriends and when she lost her virginity. She said she was 15 and the guy was 24 who took her virginity. Howard and Robin said that's illegal. She said she met the guy on the set of a movie her mother was working on. His uncle was a director. She said the guy had a friend taking pictures of them having sex and sold her out because he needed money for drugs. She said they went out for like a year until her mother found her diaphragm. She said she was very sexual at the age of 4. She said she used to use a dolls foot to masturbate when she was that young. Lisa Marie said she was actually sexually active at 13 years old. She said she was giving oral to a kid her age at that point.
Howard told Lisa Marie that people were complaining about not being able to hear he so he asked her to get closer to the microphone. He then asked her about her belief in Scientology. Howard told her he doesn't understand any religion so it's not just Scientology he doesn't get. He joked that he channeled her father the other day and he said he wants her out of the Scientology thing. Howard asked her about the guy she married when she was 19 years old who got her into Scientology. Howard also asked her why she always gets married so quick. She said she's not going to do that anymore. Howard said he's never going to get married again either. He said he's just not good at it. Robin pointed out that Lisa Marie left her first husband to go with Michael Jackson. Howard wondered if she had to shell out a lot of money to that guy when they divorced. She said it was under a million and they hadn't even signed a pre-nuptial agreement. She said he actually gave the money back and even the house she set him up with.
Howard asked Lisa about her relationship and marriage to Michael Jackson. She said she went with him because it would have been more of an equal relationship. Howard told Lisa about his meeting with Jackson and how nutty he is. He told Lisa to let him meet her next prospective husband, he'll let her know if she should do it.
Gary came in and told Howard to plug Lisa Marie's new album ''To Whom It May Concern'' which goes on sale today. The record company people were complaining that he wasn't promoting it.
Howard got back to Michael Jackson after that. She said that relationship was before the whole lawsuit came about from the kid who claimed he was sexually assaulted by Jackson. Howard wondered if he was doing it to cover up that case. She said she didn't think that was the case. Robin threw in a question about sex with Jackson and Lisa said she wasn't going to talk about that stuff. Howard told Robin she was moving too fast and he'd get to that later. Howard asked her about Jackson's melting nose and all of the makeup he has to wear. She said she never looked at him that way though and it didn't bother her. She said she let him wait until he was ready to have sex with her. She said she wasn't the aggressor in that relationship. Howard asked her if Jackson or Nicolas Cage spanked her. She said ''no'' to Jackson but said she didn't want to talk about what Cage did. Robin asked Lisa if she was sexually satisfied by Jackson. She didn't really have an answer but said she did marry the guy. Howard said most couples bang like 4 times a day when they first meet and he figures she wasn't banging him more than once a week. Howard said it made him angry when she was with him. She'd read Howard's book (Miss America) so she knew his feelings about it.
Howard asked Lisa about her kids who are 10 and 13. She said they're at home and their dad is watching them. She said he's a musician so he does work. She said that she takes care of them when she's home. Howard asked her what she likes to do for fun. She said she likes to hang out with her friends and drink at home or at one of their homes.
Howard asked Lisa Marie what a typical day is like for her. She told Howard that she might stay up all night drinking. Howard also asked her about what her house is like. She said they have a pool that she likes to hang out at once in a while. He asked her if she likes to walk around naked. She said she doesn't but Howard ended up asking her if she shaves completely. She said she does shave completely. He also asked her if she's up for anal sex. She quickly said ''Sure'' to him when he asked.
Howard wondered if Michael Jackson used her as a publicity stunt. She said it's possible but she's not sure about that. Howard also asked her about Nicolas Cage and if he had a temper. She said everyone does sometimes. Howard said he heard that Cage lived in separate houses when he was married to his last wife.
Lisa Marie said that Jackson would give her all kinds of gifts and stuff when she was with him. She said she knew things weren't right when he did an interview with Diane Sawyer. She said he wasn't protecting their relationship at the time. She said she never saw kids sleeping over during their marriage. She said she wasn't drinking then either, that came after the marriage.
Howard told Lisa that he could give it to her very hard for about 13 seconds. He asked her who she spoke to when she wanted to get away from Jackson. She said she talked to her mother and her mother just listened to what she had to say. Lisa said she and Jackson divorced but they had signed a pre-nuptial agreement so it wasn't a major thing.
Howard asked Lisa Marie about ever having a lesbian relationship. She said she did have a fling when she was 17 or so. She wouldn't say who she was or where she met her though. Howard wanted to hear all of the details so he asked her a bunch of questions about it. She wanted Howard to plug the album though.
Howard got off the lesbian stuff and asked her some other stuff about Michael Jackson and her other relationships. Howard wondered what it was about Michael Jackson's penis that distinguishes it from other penises. She refused to answer anything about that though.
Howard took some phone calls from people who were surprised at how cool Lisa Marie was being today. One guy asked if she's ever going to pose for Playboy. She said she won't be doing that but she did do a Q&A for the magazine. Howard also asked her what she's using for birth control these days. She said she's not using anything. Howard figured out that her man uses a condom. Howard also asked her if Michael Jackson's face without makeup ever freaked her out. She mumbled something like ''no'' but Howard didn't believe her.
Another woman called in and asked Lisa if she'd come out and sign some autographs. Lisa said ''sure.'' Double A called in a short time later and told Lisa that Howard is the one and only real ''King'' out there.
Howard asked Lisa if she smokes pot or does any other kinds of drugs. She said she doesn't do that now but she did use coke when she was younger. He went on to play a song that was supposed to be a demo song by her but it was some other wacky woman singing horribly. He then played the first single from her new album. Howard wondered what took her so long to put it out. She said she just wasn't prepared as an artist until now. Howard told her she sounds good on the album. She said she'll be going on tour starting in May. Howard said he'd go see her. Howard went through some of the tracks on the album and asked her which one's she wanted him to play. She told him to play ''Sinking In'' so he did that. Howard listened to that for a few seconds and asked her what it was about. She said it was about a failed relationship but it wasn't the one with Michael Jackson.
Howard took some more phone calls. One caller asked Lisa if she supports the war in Iraq. She said she is supporting her country. Howard asked her if she loves that we're bombing the crap out of them over there. She just giggled when he asked her about that. Howard asked Lisa about a story about her getting into a fight with Paris Hilton. Lisa said a friend of hers actually threw a drink on Paris and she just happened to be there when it went on.
A few more callers asked Lisa Marie some questions. Howard also asked her about her personal life and if she does the shopping for herself. She knew about how much milk, eggs and gasoline costs her when she goes shopping. Howard asked her how much a stamp costs. She said $.13. Gary came in with a whole list of stuff to ask her about. She knew approximately how much the stuff was. Lisa Marie said she doesn't live like Howard thinks she does. She said she owns an older model Mercedes Benz and only has one house.
Howard asked Lisa who she hangs out with these days. She told Howard she hangs with Rob Zombie and some other friends. She said she parties pretty much every other night. She said she tries not to do it every night though because that would be too much. She said she rarely blacks out when she drinks.
Howard was about to wrap up the interview but Artie asked if Gary was going to come in and offer her money to get topless. Howard asked her if that could happen. She said she'd do that later. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Other Presley Family news can be found here: ElvisPresleyNews.com
A listener called in and told Howard Lisa Marie was coming on to him. Howard said that was just for the radio though and she wasn't coming on to him. He said she was very cute and bangable though. Howard said he'd like to talk to Lisa's grandfather who actually let her mother go live with Elvis when she was only 14. He wondered if Lisa ever talks to her mother about that. One guy asked where she was looking when Howard was asking her about Michael Jackson. Robin said she just went blank. Howard said he's spoken to Carmen Electra and asked her what she was thinking getting married to Dennis Rodman. She said she just didn't know what she was doing at the time. That's what Howard wondered with Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson.
A bunch of people called in to talk about how cool the Lisa Marie interview was. Stuttering John also came in and talked about how hot she was. Howard said she had nice breasts and she claimed they were real. They talked about her nice ass and how she was dressed.
The guys were talking about how Lisa Marie said she'd be into anal sex. Stuttering John was there and said that he has anal sex every other time he has sex. Howard thought that was a bit excessive but John said they don't have sex that often. He said maybe 12 times a year they do that. Howard said he hoped that John's wife's father wasn't listening. John ended up asking Robin if she and Mr. X have ever done anal. She said she hasn't done that yet. Artie said he's never given his girlfriend anal either. Artie said he will ''explore'' down there when he's giving oral to a woman though. John was surprised that he will do that but no give her anal sex. Gary likes going back there too with his tongue so Howard pointed that out. Gary came in a short time later and said he doesn't do it that much. He changed the subject and said he and his wife had sex last night. Gary asked Howard if he has sex during his girlfriend's period. He said he doesn't have a problem with that but she doesn't like it. Robin said it's a good time to do it because the woman is ''ready'' at that point and they're less likely to get pregnant then. Gary said he can't give up that five days a month for that though so he has to do it.
Stuttering John said he loves anal so much that he'd prefer anal every time because he likes it so much. He said he likes the normal sex for a while and then switches to the back door.
A listener called in and suggested giving a girl GHB (the date rape drug) before sex because they'll do just about anything. He said you only have to give them a little bit. The guys said that's illegal though. Stuttering John asked Howard if he's ever given beth ''The Gary thing'' where he uses his tongue back there. Howard said ''Noooo.'' Gary said women love that. He said they wiggle back there when you do it. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes on anal before Howard had to take another break. He said he was going to eat his lunch during that segment but the anal talk spoiled it for him.
After the break Howard had an audio clip of the Kansas City basketball team coach cursing during an interview last night. He was upset by a question the reporter asked and ended up cursing. After listening to it Howard said coaches freak him out and ended up talking about how wacky they are. Artie said a lot of coaches get in your face. Gary said high school coaches are really bad and carry a lot of anger. The guys talked about some of the wacky stuff that has happened with coaches in the past. Howard played a clip of a coach screaming at his players that was pretty intense but funny. KC said that he'd get that from his father at the dinner table. He said his father would critique him, not the whole team, at the table. Howard asked him if he was relieved when his father died. KC said that stuff was over by then because he was in college so he wasn't relieved when he died. KC told the guys that his father wanted him to concentrate on just wrestling so he actually told him that if he touched a basketball, he'd get warts. KC said he believed that until he was like 13 years old. KC also talked about some of the other stuff he'd do to make his father happy. He said he'd starve himself and do other stuff to be the right weight for wrestling. Howard said they had to do some news after those discussions. Robin ignored her news theme as she started reading her first story. She just kept talking through the theme music until they turned it down.
During the news a listener called in and told Howard that he had KC's father as a coach in high school. He said that the guy would make them use diuretics if they were over weight. KC came in and said that the guy was lying and his father never told anyone to do that. He said his father never had him do that so he wouldn't have had anyone else do that. They spent a couple of minutes arguing about that. The caller also said that KC's father had a handlebar moustache which led to Howard goofing on that. He said he doesn't get that look and wondered if he used moustache wax on it. KC said he seems to remember him using that stuff. Robin did a little more news after that but a little later there were a bunch of people calling in to say they had KC's father as a coach. A couple of people talked about some of the strange stuff he did like yelling at them and calling them names in class. KC said some of the stuff they were saying wasn't all wrong but some of it wasn't true.
Howard said he knows that the weight loss had something to do with Robin's no-party edict. He didn't know how or why but it had something to do with it. He said stomach stapling is cheating as far as he's concerned. He said once you get that done you can't eat all that much anymore. Robin said the stomach can be stretched though. He and Robin talked about people like Al Roker and Sharon Osbourne who have had the stomach stapling done. He said Sharon looks great but Al Roker still looks kind of odd.
Howard brought up the Cher special that was on last night and said she's like Liberace now. He said she was wearing clothing that she shouldn't have been wearing. He said he fast forwarded through the whole thing this morning and said none of the stuff she was wearing looked good on her. He said it all drew attention to her face which is where you don't want the attention to be. Her voice was also bad according to Stuttering John. Howard said they took some shots of the audience and it was full of gay men. Gary said that Ronnie the Limo Driver is into Cher so Howard said he must be gay then. The guys talked about how Cher should have said goodbye many years ago. Howard said Cher is the only person who can get gay guys to look up from other guy's laps. Robin said you know it's bad when the Cher impersonators look better than Cher. Howard said she doesn't look that bad for a 57 year old woman but the outfits she wears just don't work. Artie said Ronnie has to be the only person who crosses over from NASCAR to Cher.
Howard got back to ''American Idol'' and talked about how Simon Cowell has calmed down a little bit and isn't badmouthing people as much as usual. He said that Randy Jackson was meaner to the contestants than Simon was.
Howard said he's lining up tickets for the Celine Dion thing that's out in Vegas. He said his mother told him she can't wait to see that show out there so he has to get tickets. He said he asked his mother who is better, Barbra Streissand or Celine Dion. He said she told him that Barbra is the Queen and Celine is great. When he asked her if she was saying Barbra was better she said there was no reason to compare the two of them. Howard said his father was complaining about how Celine Dion sings out of the side of her mouth. Artie told Howard the only way he's going to see Celine Dion is if she's stripping at the local strip clubs. Howard said he's not sure he can sit through a Celine Dion show. He said it might be funny to see him there but he's not sure he can last long. Gary told him what he's in for and how he's going to have to sit through a lot of crap.
Howard got back to Ronnie and liking Cher. He said he just can't figure out what's up with that. Even Ronnie doesn't seem to be sure where that came from. Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy brought up ''American Idol'' again and how Randy Jackson goofed on Lionel Richie who was a guest judge. Howard said that Randy told Lionel he didn't think he was all that great and the contestant who performed a cover of one of his songs did it better than Lionel. Another caller asked Howard what he's thinking saying that Cher is good looking for her age. Then the guy asked Howard who he'd bang, Cher or Paula Abdul. Howard said it would be Paula for sure. Ronnie said Cher still puts on a good show in his opinion. Howard had more thoughts on the Cher special. He was wondering how good the ratings were but they don't get that info until about 8:30 this morning. Ronnie had theories on who might have changed over from another channel to watch Cher. Howard was going to talk about it longer but he was being told to take a break so that's what he did.
After the break Howard said they have the guy who sells this stuff called Sphincterine coming in with an unusual challenge. He said the guy claims that his dog can eat a piece of pizza or a hamburger faster than a human can. Artie was going to do it because he was asked to and he suggested doing a slice of pizza. Howard said Artie has an advantage because he can hold the pizza. The dog can't do that. Howard said he thinks the dog will have trouble with it. Doug Goodstein came in a short time later and said the guy wanted to use a hamburger. Howard told Doug to tell him that it's pizza or nothing.
Howard said they have Dick Smothers Jr. (See his videos here!) coming in later. Howard talked about how Dick Smothers is kind of upset that his son is now in porn using his name.
Howard said he couldn't sleep last night and saw some of David Letterman's show. He said that the show was actually pretty good last night. He said Dave's head has blown up like a balloon though. Howard said the guy who was booted off Survivor last week was on with Dave. Howard said that was pretty good and then Adam Sandler came out and was actually pretty good. He said that Sandler is actually good on talk shows. He said he's not a fan of Sandler's comedy but he was good last night. He said they also play some of his funny bits on the air sometimes. Artie told Howard he thinks some of Sandler's albums are great. He said he's a fan of Sandler's stuff. Howard wondered why Sandler doesn't put him in any of his movies. Artie told him he thinks his movie career is over right now.
Howard talked about strip clubs and how much he loves them. He said everything else is boring out there. He said you can go to clubs and hang out but no one gets naked fast enough for him. He said when you go to a strip club, they get naked immediately. Robin told him she's happy he found something he likes. He and Artie spent a short time talking about how bad parenting has a lot to do with hot chicks being in the stripping careers. Artie said without bad parenting, there would be no hot chicks in strip clubs. Howard said he's all for good parenting with ugly kids. Howard talked about having accidents when he's getting lap dances at strip clubs and how there's a guy in the bathroom at Scores who can help fix you up. He and Artie said the guy can help get rid of the glitter and the smells from the strippers. They said he uses coffee beans to get rid of the perfume smell.
Howard said he was experimenting during the commercial with a Celine Dion CD. He said he wanted to see if he'd be able to last through a whole Celine Dion show. He said he put the CD on and couldn't make it through the first intro. He played a few seconds of it to let everyone hear just how bad it was. He quickly moved on to other stuff.
Howard had a news story about a 15 year old kid who ordered a hooker from his hospital room recently. Howard said that took balls. He also brought up a story about Rodney Dangerfield going in for brain surgery and how sad that was. He said he loves Rodney and he's one of the funniest guys in the world. He talked about how Rodney didn't hit it big until he was in his 40's. Howard said Rodney called him after his first Tonight Show appearance and said no one ever called him after his appearance to tell him how he did. Rodney told Howard he did great and wanted to let him know that. Robin said she likes the fact that Rodney still smoked pot at the age of 80. Howard wished him well. Howard said Rodney has a new movie coming out called ''The Fourth Tenor'' which is coming out soon. He said he hopes this isn't a publicity stunt for Rodney. Howard went on to read about what the operation will do. They're actually replacing an artery in his brain because it's not getting enough blood flow. Howard had to take another break after that discussion.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Howard could have done the call with Crystal a little better. Howard said he thought he did just fine though. He spent a few seconds on that and then thanked Lisa Marie Presley for coming on his show yesterday. He said it was evidently a big deal because she's never revealed as much as she did yesterday. He said there were some news reports in the paper today about the interview. He found one of those stories and read it. Rush and Malloy said she actually revealed too much. Howard thought that was kind of odd because they're a gossip column. After that he read some e-mail they got. Howard said one guy thinks he supports the police blindly. Howard said he feels bad for cops because they have to shoot protesters with bean bags. He wondered if pillow fights are next. Howard said if cops can't carry guns, most guys wouldn't want to be cops. He said that's a main draw to that profession. Another e-mailer complained about Howard and the guys judging women. Howard explained that the women ask to come on to be judged, he doesn't force them to come in. Some e-mailers said that Lisa Marie was dreadful during her interview yesterday. Others said she was great. One person said that Howard did a great interview with her. Howard said they'll be airing that interview on Monday and Tuesday of next week. Other e-mailers wondered how Lisa Marie can drink so much with her two kids around. Howard said most parents drink with their kids around. Howard said a lot of people wrote in to complain about John's anal sex discussion during yesterday's show. Some people were disgusted by it all. Stuttering John came in and said it was all a joke. He said it wasn't a pleasant day at the Melendez household when he got home yesterday. He said his wife wasn't happy that he was talking about that stuff on the air. Howard said that he was lying about it then. John said it happens every once in a while but that's it.
Howard got back to the e-mail and read some of the other stuff they had. Howard said someone complained about how Artie stands up when a hot chick walks in. Some people really enjoyed when Howard sped up the Vin Diesel audio clips he was playing yesterday. He had erased them from his computer though so he couldn't replay them.
Howard got back to this guy Bruce and his product Sphincterine. Howard asked Bruce what kind of dog he had. It was a Welsh Corgi. He was putting up $500 against Artie. He says his dog can eat faster than Artie can. Buster the dog eats fast according to Bruce. Bruce said he didn't feed the dog last night so the dog is very hungry. Howard quickly got to the contest and let Bruce have the pizza folded. Artie was slamming the pizza into his face too. Howard said the dog was having trouble getting the food in but was eating very fast. He was using his paw to hold it down. Artie's mouth was full while the dog was inhaling the slice of pizza. The dog was ahead of Artie and ended up winning. Howard asked Artie what happened. His mouth was still full when he was answering Howard. Artie ended up giving the dog his pizza crust and didn't finish the whole thing.
Howard said he'd led Bruce plug his product Sphincterine. He even played his jingle which was pretty wacky. Bruce said he's invested about $20,000 in the product and has probably tripled that in 9 months. He said he was inspired to create the product after his girlfriend was inspired to go down there to give him oral and found he had ''swamp ass.'' Howard had the girlfriend come in to talk about it. He said she was pretty hot. She said she just got close to giving him oral before smelling the swamp ass. Bruce said he now uses Sphincterine before he has sex with her. He said you can use this stuff as a liquid you can apply to toilet paper to wipe yourself or use their wipes. Bruce said he'd let his girlfriend Cat talk about it a bit. Howard spoke to her for a short time and let him plug the stuff. He said his web site is at MintyAss.com. Howard also heard that he had photoshopped a picture of Mariah Carey holding the bottle of the stuff and ended up getting a call from her manager and from someone claiming to be Mariah. He said she was really upset that her fans might think she has a stinky ass according to Bruce. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard had a voice mail of the woman who calls him very often and complains about everything he does. Unfortunately the quality was awful and Howard got pissed. He wondered who recorded them and went off on Tom Chiusano for some reason. He ended up playing the message from the woman who told him how bad he needs Botox injections to fix his face. KC came in a short time later and said Scott was having trouble with his computer and wasn't able to save the best copies of the recordings. Howard thought he was on Candid Camera or ''The Jamie Kennedy Experiement'' or something like that. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. KC came back in and said they do it the same every time and the computer has never crashed before. Howard went off on them anyway. He said they're causing him physical pain with this stuff. Scott told Howard that he told KC he'd make them sound as good as he could. KC said Scott told him he'd saved the stuff and it was all okay. Howard told KC that he should save those messages until they air. He asked him if he's ever deleted the text from a school paper after he's handed it in and had it graded. He said it's the same thing with the voice mail. Howard told Scott he should be rolling tape at the same time he's recording this stuff on his computer. Howard said he's got 20,000 people working for him and he's defeated. Vinnie Favale called in during that discussion and told the guys they should be burning that stuff right to a CD instead of into the computer. He was whispering at the time so Artie goofed on him a little bit.
Howard said he doesn't know what he's going to do with those guys but he apologized for going off on them on the air. A phone caller told Howard that he shouldn't have to put up with this stuff, he's the number one guy in the country. Howard pondered what he was going to do to fix this. KC said he does his job and has no control over what happens in Engineering after that. Howard told KC that he really should save the voice mail before deleting it from now on. KC refused to change his mind on that stuff though. He kept insisting that he was just doing his job. Tom Chiusano showed up but Howard didn't want him in there so he told him to get out. He said Tom had kicked him in the balls when he snuck out of town to go to golf school. Tom said everyone knew where he was, he didn't sneak out of town. Howard told him to go find out why he didn't have tape that sounded right. A listener called in a short time later and told Howard to stop crying today. Another caller said that KC is a dope and he probably can't even spell Baghdad. Howard tried to get him to spell it but KC wanted a piece of paper to right it down. He was able to spell it correctly amazingly enough. He told them all to ''Stick that in your hats and smoke it!''
Howard said hello to all of the women in the room. They're all porn stars that Dick plans on working with. Dick told Howard he's done five porn movies so far and he's 39 years old. He said he just got into the business 5 months ago. He told Howard that the market has changed lately and he finally decided to get into it after backing out it about 10 to 15 years ago. People talked him out of it. He said he's sick of working in offices and stuff and wanted to do something different. Howard asked him if he's making any money in the business. He said he's making pretty good money for each movie he does. He said that he's packing enough in his pants to make it in the business just fine. He said people don't really care that he's Dick Smother's son and it doesn't help him get more money. Howard asked him if his father spent much time with him when he was growing up. He said his parents were separating a lot and his father was driving race cars and stuff like that so he didn't see him much. Howard said he sounds like a pretty angry guy. Dick told Howard about some of the horrible jobs he's had in his life because his father didn't help him out financially. He said his father didn't manage his money very well and it's not coming in as fast as it used to. He seems to think that he's lucky if he's making $150,000 a year now. Dick said that he'd ask for money once in a while when he was younger but it wasn't all the time. He said he didn't bother going to college either.
Gary told Howard that Dick Sr. and Dick Jr. did an interview for a TV program and it turned into a bloodbath so they're no longer talking. Jr. Said his father blamed him for something that went wrong by saying that he stole a case of wine when he was 14 years old. Jr. Said he didn't know what he was talking about. Jr. went on to talk about how he brought up some stuff that his father did too during that interview. He said Sr. Has an illegitimate child. He also pointed out that his father hit on his own girlfriend's daughter at one point in his life. Dick Jr. went on to talk about some of the other things that his father did growing up. He said he was cool at certain points in his life but it was a controlled thing.
Howard asked Dick if he called his father that he was getting into porn. He said when he called and told him about it, his father said ''Are you using your name?'' and when he said he was, the phone went dead. It turned out his father was on a cell phone and it cut out. His father called him back a week later and told him that the phone cut out.
Howard said that Dick is able to blindfold himself and ''kiss a woman in a strange place'' (Oral) and tell which one it is. Dick said he practiced last night to make sure he'd be able to recognize which one was which. Howard asked the girls if that was true. One of the girls said he has a good palate and was able to tell who was who. Gary told Howard that one of the girls has had sex with Dick, the other 3 he just met last night.
A listener called in and said it sounded like his father was around most of his life but Dick Jr. Had an explanation. He said his father was always out on the road and wasn't home much. Another caller said this was just 'Love me Daddy, boo hoo hoo.'' Dick said the reason he's doing this is because he wants to make a living so he has some money when he's older. A woman called in and asked him if he really believes that he didn't benefit from his father at all. Dick said he was kicked out of the house at the age of 17 so he really didn't benefit from his father. He said he went to public school and lived middle class for his whole life. That way his father could afford to buy the toys and race cars he had.
Gary brought up a story about Dick getting arrested one time. He said his girlfriend claimed that he pushed her even though he claims nothing ever happened.
Robin asked him how he knew he'd be able to perform on camera in porn. Howard asked the girls about their careers too. He asked them if they were looking forward to banging him. They gave a half-hearted ''Yeah'' as a response.
Howard gave Dick a plug for his web site DickJr.com and spent a couple more minutes asking him about his family. Dick said he has a couple of brothers and sisters. He said his father wasn't as competitive with them as he was with him. He said he's used to not talking to his father and he figures they'll talk again some day.
A listener called in and asked how he can get into porn. Dick said he has a game show in the works called The Mating Game where guys will be able to try and get into a porn scene with a porn chick. He said you can find out more about that on his web site DickJr.com.
Howard asked him if he had to do any gay porn to get into the industry. He said he never did have to do that, he was able to get right into straight porn no problem. Howard asked Dick if he uses a condom when he shoots these porn movies. He said he doesn't but there's a strict list of rules to follow that porn stars have to stick to and it has cut down on sexually transmitted diseases.
Howard said he'd check out Dick's ability to identify women by ''kissing them in a bad place'' while he's blindfolded. Dick said he heard that they've gotten into trouble doing stuff like this before but Howard said he figured out a way to describe it without getting into trouble. Howard took a couple phone calls before getting to that though. One caller said the guy doesn't get along with anyone and he's a horrible guest.
Howard had Dick get blindfolded and then had the women move around so he wouldn't know which one he was tasting. Howard said they had Rebecca (Get her videos @ GameLink!), Rena, Ann (Get her videos @ GameLink!) and Kelly (Get her videos @ GameLink!) there to be tasted. Howard had Dick go over to them and taste the first woman. Howard said the girls seemed to be a little embarrassed when he started. His first guess was Kelly but it turned out to be Ann Marie. Dick moved on to the second one and guessed that it was Rena. It turned out to be Kelly. Howard wrapped it up the little game after that because he wasn't doing all that well. The girls didn't seem too happy about the whole thing. He took a break but later said some of the girls wanted plugs for their stuff. Ann Marie and Kelly Erikson wanted to plug MetroXXX.com and Rebecca Love at RebeccaLove.com.
Howard played some of Cher's music and described what was going on during the show when she was performing. He said they played some old clips of Cher and Sonny Bono. He said Sonny looked like he was about 45 and she looked about 18 in the clips. It was an odd couple.
Howard said he watched David Letterman last night too and it was pretty good. He said the Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson movie looks really bad though. He also brought up how Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer, and Michael McKeon are doing some weird folk singer special and they performed on Letterman's show. He said it was kind of funny but the music was just bad folk music. He said he's sure a lot of people tuned out. Howard mentioned his TiVo a couple of times and Artie said he had to figure out how to set his up because his girlfriend Dana got him one for Christmas and it's still in the box. Howard told him it's easy though.
Howard went on to talk about last night's ''American Idol'' and the awful songs the contestants picked to perform. He said it really pissed him off that they had a disco theme one night and a country theme another night. Last night they had to pick a Billboard Number 1 song and the kids still picked the awful songs. He wondered where these kids grew up, ''...in a Karaoke bar?'' Howard said the only person he wants to hear is Simon Cowell on that show. He played a clip from the show and goofed on Paula Abudul and one of the lame comments she made. Howard said they wouldn't even let Simon say what he wanted to say. He had some negative comments for the contestants but they just talked over him. Howard mentioned how Lionel Ritchie, who was a guest judge on ''American Idol,'' looks pretty good. He said he looks the same as he did 30 years ago. He said he's seen it time and time again that black people age very well. He said Cher needs to call his plastic surgeon or something. Robin said she's sick of seeing people whose lips don't move these days because of Botox injections and plastic surgery. She said that Courtney Cox's upper lip doesn't move in the new Coke commercial she did with her husband.
Gary came in and said that the Cher special did pretty well last night. He had the ratings and he said it beat pretty much everything. He said the second closest show had a 9 rating to a 12 for Cher.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims he worked with Cher on a movie down in Miami and she took 4 hours to go through makeup. Howard spent a few seconds talking about that and played some more of Cher's music.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said it looks like the war is pretty much over in Iraq and some of the Iraqi people were thanking our soldiers for coming in. Howard said he saw a picture in the paper of a Marine from the area who died in action over there and it pissed him off because we had to go over there to take care of Saddam Hussein. They talked about how they opened up a jail where they had a lot of kids who were imprisoned for not wanting to become part of Hussein's army. They spent a couple of minutes on that and brought up people like Rosie O'Donnell who say this war is unnecessary. Howard told her to tell it to these kids who were just let out of prison. Howard said the Dixie Chicks are trying to put a spin on their comments about being ashamed that they're from the same state as President Bush. Howard said their album just sunk after that comment and now they're trying to make it right again. Howard said the Country music listeners will just drop you if you do something like that. He said they were first saying that it was free speech and now they're saying they were just joking about it. Howard said they must have hired the best publicist out there to help fix this. Howard played an audio clip from a news program that covered the story. He and the guys talked about that for a short time. He also played a clip from the Country Music awards and when the Dixie Chicks were mentioned, they were booed.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who was apparently crying when he called in. Jeff said he wasn't crying but Stuttering John came in and said he really was crying and hung up before. Jeff was upset that Howard was making him out to be a bad guy earlier in the show. Howard asked him what he was talking about. Jeff said he wants to go to Las Vegas but Howard told him he's not invited this time. He said they're not taking a lot of people out there so he shouldn't expect to be invited. Howard told him to just stop it because they don't have the kind of money they need to just bring anyone they want out there. Jeff sounded very down and said that he went to court last night. It was for the time he got pulled over while he was driving home from court. He got four more tickets including another drug possession. He had a bowl in his ashtray. They'd taken his license and decided to drive home anyway. Howard said the whole reason Jeff is the way he is was because he was in a car accident many years ago. He said that perhaps he should stay away from driving cars. He told Jeff to just stop with the complaining already and got off the phone. He wanted to play his voice mails again. He did that and then took a call from a guy who was complaining about Howard's constant complaining. The guy said that everyone knows that KC is an idiot and he's going to screw things up so he should just stop complaining about it unless he's going to do something about it. Howard said the guy is right. He also took a call from another guy who brought up the war and got Howard talking about how President Bush isn't going to let go of this terrorist stuff. Artie said he's happy they had those screwed up voting machines down in Florida because Gore wouldn't be able to handle this stuff. Howard took another break shortly after that.
Howard took a call from a listener who was wondering what was up with Howard's web site. He told the guy he doesn't want to have a web site. Once in a while they post stuff there and that's it. He said he doesn't want to be like every radio guy and put his name on crap that people don't really want anyway. He said it just strikes him as ''suckin.'' The guy also mentioned a couple of other things before getting off the phone with Howard. Howard got back to the coverage of the Iraqis pulling down the statue for a second.
Captain Janks called in and said he read a report that when Geraldo River went back to Iraq the soldiers were wiping their hands on their asses and shaking his hand. Janks also said he's going to go meet TV journalist Chris Matthews is doing an appearance in Philadelphia this week. He's the guy that Janks made a crank call to recently so he wants to go ask him what he thought about it. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about the coverage from Iraq before having Robin do her news.
Howard said people have been telling him that he's not promoting the big $100,000 bet enough. They're going to be doing that in Vegas later this month with one person. You can enter at GoldenPalace.com. Howard said it's not even his money and his heart races when they do this each time they go out to Vegas. Robin joked that Artie is trying to come up with a sad story to enter the contest. Howard mentioned a couple of things that have happened to ARtie that show he has some sad stories. He mentioned him crapping on his neighbor's lawn, his father being crippled and the fact that he has to sit next to Benjy every day. He had to take a break a short time after that.
After the break Howard wished Rodney Dangerfield well after hearing an intro from him. Dangerfield went through brain surgery recently so Howard said he hopes he does well after that.
Howard said he couldn't get enough of the tape of the Iraqis pulling down the Saddam Hussein statue yesterday. He was hoping that it would have come down faster than it did though. He also talked about how our troops put a flag over the statue's face which didn't go over well. The crowd stopped cheering after that. They were happier when they put the Iraqi flag there instead. Robin said there were Russians doing an anti-war protest around the same tim the Iraqis were cheering in the streets that the statue had come down. Howard talked about how Russia screwed us during this war by not backing us up. He went on to talk about some of the Iraqis who were dancing in the streets and saying they love President Bush for doing this for them. Howard was very pleased to see that happen. Robin said President Bush was also very happy about that. Artie asked Howard if, based on the war, he'd vote for Bush in the next election. Artie said he would because he feels safer with him in charge. Howard said he probably would too. Robin said a couple of words about the war also so Fred started her old news theme while Howard did his impression of her.
Howard said he's more afraid of what will happen with Iraq now that they're free from Saddam Hussein. He said they may become something like Iran with an Ayatollah. Robin pointed out that the Iraqis are looting like crazy over there and steeling everything in sight. Howard said we should start putting in McDonalds, Starbucks and every other chain we have her before they start giving us crap.
Howard said some guy sent them a picture of his own penis which is tattooed like a dragon. He said it's really disturbing. It's also pierced so the piercing looks like eyes. The wings are tattooed on the pubic area. Howard said he might have to throw that picture up on his web site. That led to Howard talking about getting his three daughter's names on his arm somewhere. Robin said she was shocked that Howard was even thinking about that. She said people would usually do that when their kids are born. Howard said he wanted to wait to see how his kids grew up before doing that. He said he wouldn't want to do something like that with a child who grew up to be like Dick Smothers Jr.
Howard said that ARtie finally raced his dog Bianca yesterday after the show and actually did pretty good for a fat guy. Robin said it was funnier than she thought it was going to be.
Robin told Howard that she couldn't sleep last night so she stayed up and watched Lisa Marie Presley on David Letterman's show. Howard ended up bringing up the head of CBS, Les Moonves, and how he doesn't think he likes him. Howard said he was thinking of putting together a TV special of clips from his shows from the past 10 years or so and pitched it to Les. He said Les isn't interested but other networks are talking to him about it. He said they work for the same parent company but Les isn't interested in synergy between the companies. He said he doesn't get that. He said that Les said maybe they'd put the special on UPN or something like that.
Howard read through some e-mail they've gotten lately. An e-mailer was upset with Howard's interview with Lisa Marie Presley because of the way Howard was badmouthing Elvis. Another person wanted to know when they were going to air that interview on E!. Howard said that's happening next Monday and Tuesday. Howard read another e-mail about Artie's eating contest against the dog yesterday. Howard said a lot of people loved that segment though. He read through some of those e-mails. He said some people were upset with Scott the Engineer and KC screwing up the voice mail yesterday. A bunch of people also wrote in about Howard crying about those voice mails too much. Someone actually wrote in and complained about Howard goofing on Cher. He quickly went through some mail about Jeff the Drunk and Dick Smothers Jr. He said someone told Howard to let Jeff the Drunk go to Vegas with them. Robin said he was getting to her yesterday when he called in. Howard said they only have so many tickets to bring people there though. Fred played Jeff singing ''You Were Always on My Mind'' while they were talking about him. Howard said Jeff would be making all kinds of strange demands on them if they took him to Vegas. He said he'd complain that he didn't have any gambling money and stuff like that. Gary came in and said he'd be bitching about being stuck in the hotel with nothing to do and not being able to hang out with them enough.
Howard said a lot of people were upset with Dick Smothers Jr. getting into porn and badmouthing his dad during yesterday's interview. Howard whipped through a bunch of other e-mails too.
Howard said he was thinking about Robin's big weight loss and said he thinks that Mr. X just dumped her food in her lap every time they went out to eat just like he did to Stuttering John the time he farted at the dinner table. Robin agreed with him and played along with it. She's still not talking about how she really lost the weight though.
Howard brought up a story about a cop who got chicks naked when he'd pull them over. He and Robin discussed that for a short time. Howard wondered if he'd do that if he was a hot chick. He said he probably would to get out of a $100 ticket. Howard said he'd probably ''handle his nightstick'' too if he was the hot chick. He said he'd drive around in mini-skirt and no panties and drive on the sidewalk if he was a hot chick. Artie said he'd be mixing martinis in the car if he was a hot chick. Howard asked Robin if she'd show a cop her boobs to get out of a ticket. She said it might depend on how much she's had to drink but she doesn't think she'd show her boobs. Howard said she'd probably hand her license and registration to the cop from between her boobs. Robin said when she gets pulled over she gets really nervous and falls apart. Benjy asked Howard if he'd show his penis to get out of a ticket. Howard said he wouldn't have a problem doing that. One of the guys handed Howard a Scores PBA card. He wondered if it was real or not though.
Howard said that this guy who came up with The Atkins Diet, Robert Atkins, was able to stay thin on his diet but he's now 72 and slipped on some ice and cracked open his head. Now he's in the hospital. Howard said the guy avoided eating stuff for many years and now he's cracked his head open falling on ice. Howard said he'd better not get any sucky illness when he gets old because he's been watching his diet for years now too. Howard said none of these diet gurus stay thin forever though. He said they all end up fat. He said that Richard Simmons chubbed up and he seems to have vanished from the public eye. Howard figures he must be getting really fat and doesn't want anyone to see him. A listener called in and said that it's true that Simmons is fat now and that's why he's not around. The caller also brought up how the person who e-mailed in about Lisa Marie's interview sucking must be gay because it was a great interview. The caller also brought up how he never sees any women running around the streets of Iraq. Howard and the guys ended up talking about the toppling of the Hussein statue and how interesting that coverage was.
Howard said Suge Knight will be coming in later in the morning. He went on to talk about how Tommy Lee is being sued over the death of a child who drown in his pool. Howard said he's read enough about the case to see that Tommy wasn't responsible for the kid's death. Howard said the parents are saying that Tommy should have had a lifeguard at the party but Howard said no one ever has a lifeguard at a pool party. Howard said he doesn't understand why these people are suing because it's not going to bring their kid back. Robin said it's anger and the people don't know where else to focus their anger so they sue for money. Howard said the family had an Au Pare who was supposed to be watching the kid that day and didn't do his job. Howard said the whole thing is just odd. Howard wondered why they aren't suing the pool manufacturer too if that's their mentality. Howard said he feels bad for them losing their kid but the case is ridiculous.
Ex-mobster Henry Hill called in and mentioned that he was in the joint with Suge Knight. His phone connection was awful and Howard cold barely understand what he was saying. He was actually over in London doing a speaking engagement. Howard wondered what people want to hear about over in London. Henry said he talks about where the bodies are buried over there. Howard wanted to get off the phone with Henry but he wanted to talk to Suge Knight when he's on later. Howard let Henry stay on for a couple of minutes and talk about Suge. Howard thanked him for calling in so he could get off the phone. Henry said he'd see Howard out in Vegas and asked him to have Gary ''hook him up.'' Howard wondered what he meant by that but Henry said he just wanted to know when he should be there. Howard said he didn't plan on having him there so it didn't really matter. He eventually got him off the phone and moved on to other stuff.
Howard brought up some of the stuff that Suge Knight has been involved with lately. He had some audio clips from some show that profiled him and showed that he was lying about some stuff in the Tupac drive-by shooting case. The show claims that he says he has a bullet stuck in his head but it turns out he was just cut by some flying glass. Howard said he's going to go along with Suge and say he still has the bullet stuck in his head though. They spent a couple of minutes on that subject. The interviewer also asked Suge what he thought about the Tupac and Biggie Smalls deaths being related. Howard said he didn't want to get involved in any of that stuff. Howard said he's sure Suge is innocent in all of that.
Howard is still feeling like crap these days so he's starting to think that he might be allergic to his dog Binaca. He said he doesn't want to find out if he's really allergic because he doesn't want to get rid of his dog. He said his doctor told him to take Claritin to see if it clears him up. If that clears up his cough then he might have an allergy. He said he really doesn't want to even do that though. He said the cough is brutal on him every morning but it clears up during the day until he goes home. He said he had a dog for four years when he was still married and didn't have a problem. Robin told him that was a different type of dog though. Howard said he might have to put Bianca in an aquarium or something. He said he would get rid of Bianca if he had to because he has to do the show for a living and it's not easy when he's constantly feeling sick.
Howard brought up Bill O'Reilly and an interview he did with Janeane Garofalo where he asked her if she'd apologize to George Bush for some comments she's made about Bush. He asked her if she'd do that if the people of Iraq greet our troops with open arms and welcome us there. He also mentioned us finding bad, bad stuff there, which Howard thinks will happen. Janeane said she would bring a fruitcake and roses to Bush if that's the case. Howard wonders why she's not at the White House today with the roses and fruitcake.
Howard read some e-mail he got about the bad grammer he uses on the show. He said he knows he's always using bad grammer. He and Robin discussed that and Howard said he really never gets it and admits he doesn't have good grammer. The e-mailer said Howard comes off as being uneducated and his listeners know that's not the case.
Howard read some other e-mail and a city councilman from Massachusetts said he wants to give him a gift when he sees him out in Vegas for some reason.
Howard got a letter from Courtney Cox-Arquette and he thinks it's a change of address but it's the address of their manager. Howard wonders why they'd send him that. He said that it doesn't make any sense and it's insulting to him.
A listener called in and said as soon as he saw Howard's dog on his web site he knew it wasn't long before Howard got rid of it. Howard told the guy he was a dick and he wasn't going to get rid of the dog. Robin said people got upset with her when she was going to get rid of some of her cats. She said they weren't getting along and that's why she was going to do that. Howard thought she was just bored with them though.
Sean the White Rapper called in crying about not having seen his wife and kids in two years. Howard had a feeling he was full of crap but he cursed so Howard had to hit the delay and hang up on him before he could find out.
Howard had the guys bring Suge Knight in after that. He was wondering if Suge was short for sugar. Howard said Suge obviously didn't lift weights while he was in prison. He asked him when he got out of Prison. He said he just got out around Christmas time. He was only in for 60 days that time though. He apparently broke his probation and got sent back for a couple of months. He was hanging out with someone they didn't think he was supposed to be hanging out with and sent him back. He said the guy who he was hanging with wasn't a felon though so he's not sure why he was sent back. Howard said telling Suge not to hang out with black guys is nuts because that's what he does for a living. He has to find the next big rap star so he hangs out with rappers.
Suge said that there are a lot of snitches out there calling the cops about everything he does to keep him on the run. Howard asked him what it was like in prison since Henry Hill had called in earlier and said he had two limos full of people showing up to see him. Suge said that Henry is one of those snitches he was talking about earlier and said he guesses that someone must have had him keeping an eye on him. Howard told Suge that there is a code among men that says you don't snitch on other guys about stuff and Henry must have broken that.
Howard asked Suge how the rap business is doing. He said it's great and they have the new ''Dysfunktional Family'' CD coming out. He said Eddie Griffin is great and that's who's on that record. Suge also said that 50 Cent is great and said everyone has to support artists like that. He and Howard talked about how Ja Rule and 50 Cent don't get along together and Suge is friends with Ja Rule. Howard told him he'd have to choose between the two of them. Suge said he rides with who he wants to ride with though.
Howard and Robin asked Suge about serving community service. He didn't get a chance to answer before Howard asked him about Snoop Dogg calling him a bitch on his last CD. Suge said he'd like to get Snoop down there to see who the bitch is. Suge also said he banged Snoops mama. He told Howard to put together a fight between them and make it legal. He even suggested getting all of the people who have stuff to say about him down there and he'll take them all on. Howard said he'd love that. Robin said they'd have to make a pay-per-view event out of that. Howard said Suge could probably take them all. Suge said Howard could get Snoop, 50 Cent and Dr. Dre all down there. He didn't have any other names at the time but he'd be willing to take on ten of them. Artie threw in Scott Einziger's name too.
Howard asked Suge about the manicured fingernails Suge had. He wondered why a guy like him would do that. Suge said he likes to treat himself to stuff like that.
Howard took some phone calls for Suge and one guy asked if it was okay to use the N-word around his black friends because they always use it around him. Suge said that Dr. Dre hangs around with Eminem who calls him his nigga all the time. Robin said Ja Rule allowed J-Lo to use that word around him and in her song. Howard wondered who she was to use that word in her song. Suge said it was a black guy who wrote it for her so it wasn't a big deal. Robin asked Suge if he was a big bully in his neighborhood. He ended up bringing up Snoop Dogg again and told Howard to make sure he gets him down there so he can take him on. Howard told Suge that when he was growing up he lost a lot of fights to black women. Howard asked suge about being a college football player and what that was like. He talked about that for a short time. Robin asked him if he ever worried about his woman going with other guys when he was in prison. Suge said his worries were more focused on what was going on in prison. Howard brought up the prison thing and asked him how he handled that. Suge said he had people to clean up his cell for him and stuff like that. He also talked about pleasuring himself and how he went about that. He also said he didn't always have to do that himself because they have female guards around now. Howard figures Suge was saying that he may have had a couple of prison guards, female of course, help him out with pleasuring himself.
Howard took some phone calls for Suge. One of the calls was the 15 year old kid who wants Howard to bang his mother. He wanted to fight Suge but everyone knew he was too small to take Suge on. Howard took a few other calls. One guy suggested putting Puff Daddy into that fight they were talking about earlier. Suge said he's all for doing what the people want but he thinks they should lay off Puff Daddy for now because of what J-Lo did to him. Howard asked Suge about the J-Lo sex tape he has. He asked him if he plans on releasing it. Suge said he doesn't want to release it. He didn't really want to talk about it much more than that. Howard told him if he got a copy of it, he'd show him the pictures of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos topless that he has. Suge said if Howard puts together that fight, he'll give copies of the J-Lo tape to everyone.
howard gave Suge a plug for this ''Dysfunktional Family'' soundtrack album he's got coming out later this month. He played a track from the album and asked Suge about what goes on during the recording process. After that Howard said Suge also has a book coming out later this year called ''American Dream.'' Suge got in a quick plug for his artist Crooked Eye who also has a CD coming out soon. Howard had to wrap up the interview after that.
Howard said Anne Marie the office manager has been putting together a list of stuff they'll be doing out in Vegas. Howard ended up talking about how he has to use an alias when he books his room so people won't call him. He said he just gets calls from dudes when he stays at a place like that. He said it wouldn't be so bad if chicks called him too.
Howard said that whenever one of these Howard Stern clones gets in trouble with the FCC Tom Chiusano sends out a memo that everyone has to sign about understanding the obscenity rules.
Howard said comedian Robert Schimmel is a weird guy. He's a friend of the show but some of the stuff he's done in his life is pretty weird. It turns out now he's getting married to his daughter's friend who he's been banging for a few years now. He just got married yesterday because he knocked up this chick. His doctor apparently told him he could bang all he wanted during his chemotherapy and he wouldn't get anyone pregnant. Howard got Bob on the phone a few seconds later. Schimmel said that his girlfriend, who is 25 now, was under the impression she couldn't get pregnant either. The doctor told both of them that after the chemotherapy he would never be able to have kids again. Now she's pregnant and married. Howard and Robin asked him if he's sure it's his child. Howard told him to get a DNA test to make sure. Robin said they'll probably be fighting in court in 2 years about the whole thing. Schimmel said that she's due in 8 weeks which surprised Howard. He asked him why he didn't have her get an abortion. Bob said he wants this kid and wants another family. He said that he's got his 12 year old living with him and his son is still with his previous wife. He was just divorced in January and now he's married again. Bob said that he loves this woman and as long as the baby doesn't come out looking like Cedric the Entertainer, he's fine with it. He said he can't ask her to have a DNA test done.
Schimmel said that he asked the doctor if he wanted to be the godfather of the child he said he could never have. The doctor thought he was going to sue him over that but Bob said he's not going to do that. He said the doctor told him he never told him ''never'' about being able to have kids.
Howard said that Bob used to work on ''In Living Color'' when that show was on the air. Howard said Jennifer Lopez was a dancer on the show at the same time so they knew each other. Howard told Bob to talk about some story he had about Jennifer. Bob said he ran into Jennifer at a restaurant and said hi to her but Jennifer said she didn't remember anyone from the show. Howard said Bob probably had his girlfriend with him and told her he was friends with Jennifer and went over to introduce her. Then Jennifer blew him off and said she didn't remember him. Howard said Bob has a unique look and it would be hard to forget him. Bob said he told Jennifer she should go for a checkup if that's the case. Bob said Jennifer told him she didn't remember anyone from the show so he asked her if she remembered Keenan, Damon or Jim Carrey. She was walking out at the time and didn't answer him. Bob said he didn't want to run after her to find out what her answer was though.
Howard asked Bob if his daughter was pissed that he knocked up her old friend. He said she was pretty surprised. Bob said that his younger daughter didn't know and he was told not to tell her by a psychologist. He wasn't divorced at the time so that's why he was told that. Bob said they went out shopping one day and his 12 year old bought a pregnant Barbie doll so she must have known already. She later asked him if she was pregnant so Bob had to tell her the truth. He then called his older daughter and let her know what was going on. Bob said she wanted to know how that happened. Bob jokingly said he's amazed that people don't know how people get pregnant these days.
Howard said he loves talking to Bob about this stuff because he's always got great stories. He gave him a couple of plugs for his stuff. Bob will be appearing at The Improv in Ontario, California tonight through Sunday. He's also got a DVD and a new CD, ''Dead Man Talking,'' coming soon which will be available through his web site RobertSchimmel.com.
Bob told Howard that he had his four year old son over one day and asked him ''Who's your daddy?'' The kid responded ''Michael'' which is the guy his ex-wife is living with now. Bob said it was really upsetting and Howard had no idea what that was like... He said he almost couldn't get an erection that night. Bob also told Howard that his ex-wife freaked out when he told her that he was getting married the other day. He told her last minute and said that she started spouting off like someone from The Exorcist. He said they've gotten divorced a couple of other times but now that he's gotten married to another woman, it means they probably won't be getting back together again.
Bob asked Howard how he was able to handle his divorce. Robin told him that Howard did his divorce ''clean'' and didn't get involved with another woman before the divorce. Howard said Bob didn't have to pay anymore than he did with his divorce and his divorce was messy. Howard thought that was kind of funny.
Bob said he went to lunch with Jerry Lewis recently after he asked him to go. Howard asked Bob how it was seeing Jerry with the big, giant balloon head. Bob said he didn't look as bad as he did on the Telethon, but it was a little big. Howard asked him if he brought up the movie Jerry did where he was a clown in a concentration camp. Bob said he didn't want to cut the visit short so he didn't mention that. Bob said Jerry didn't talk much about himself that day. He said Jerry wanted to hear about him and thought he was a funny guy after seeing his HBO special.
Bob said at the wedding he went to smash the glass on the floor when they were done and when he stomped on it, it didn't break and he slipped and fell on his ass. Howard said that's a sign that he's not supposed to be getting married.
Howard asked Bob if he thinks Jerry Lewis is funny. Bob said he made him laugh when he was a kid. He doesn't do stand-up comedy but he did entertain him when he was young. Bob said those guys made a lot of money back then and he wishes he could make that kind of money, especially now that he needs that kind of money with the kid coming and the divorce being final.
Howard and Bob spent some time talking about what else Bob could do to shock his parents. Bob said if he told his parents that the marriage was all a cover and he was actually gay, that might shock them.
Bob told Howard that now he can bring in his wife to talk on the air because in the past, he had a gag order and wasn't supposed to talk about his ex-wife and stuff like that. Howard asked him if Jerry asked about him when he had lunch with him because they got a call there recently from someone claiming to be from Jerry's office. Bob said Jerry did say that he heard him on Howard's show.
Bob told Howard about how he was thrown out of the Air Force for impersonating an officer. He said he was drafted and was supposed to be in for four years but was out in 13 months. Robin asked him what he thinks about this current war but he said he doesn't talk about politics unless they're screwing over there.
Howard gave Bob a couple more plugs for his appearance at The Improv in Ontario, California. He also asked Bob to go through his wallet and tell him what was in there. Bob didn't want to do that though. They ended up talking about his new wife's pregnancy again and said the baby has to be a girl. Robin said that the sperm survived the chemotherapy so it must be a girl.
Howard told Bob he had to go after that. Bob said Howard was the only guy who would put him on the air when he was going through his cancer treatments and he appreciates that. Howard went to break after that.
Gary was sitting in and Howard asked him what it was he wanted. Gary said he wanted to talk about Joe Francis. Howard said Gary has always annoyed him when he sees him. He said it's been that way since he met him. He thought Gary wouldn't last long with him because he annoyed him from the start and it all had to do with his looks.
Gary told Howard that he spoke to Joe Francis who created the ''Girls Gone Wild'' video series. He was recently arrested and charged with drug trafficking and racketeering. Gary said Joe told him that he's gotten his private jet back and the drug charges have been dropped. He'll also get his car back by the end of the week. Gary said Joe has to get rid of all of these problems before he can talk about them on the air though but Howard will get the exclusive. Gary said Joe also told him that this is a county where they warned him not to come back and shoot those videos so it sounds almost like it was a set up. Gary said Joe never said it was a set up though.
Howard said KC told him that he had a new Staind song that he'd like so he played that. Howard said he's bored with music these days but the song was good.
Captain Janks called in and said he got a call from some security guy at CNN. The guy yelled at him for 15 minutes. Janks said the guy lectured him but didn't make a good case. He didn't convince him to stop, that's for sure. Janks said he'll just call them next week. Janks then replayed the call that he played earlier in the morning. Howard and Artie talked about how good Janks does a woman's voice and how he does it too often. Janks said it hurts his voice to do it too. Janks said the security guy there at CNN sounded really pissed when he called. Howard found it pretty funny that they'd have a security guy from CNN call instead of someone like a producer or something. Howard was impressed at how fast Janks thought of doing the call. Greg also seemed to be pretty impressed with his work. Howard said Janks took a break for a few years from making the calls and nothing was going on so he started making more phony phone calls. Janks said he almost died one time and that inspired to make more phony phone calls. Howard played one of Janks' other recent phone calls where he used static from a transistor radio in the background to make it sound like he was calling from Baghdad. Howard said the news agencies should do the same thing and not actually go over there to cover the war. He made up a short segment with sound effects and goofed on the whole idea. Artie and Howard goofed on these news channels that don't check their sources. Howard was doing an impression of Janks calling one of these stations and had the guy ask Janks(as a woman) to describe herself. Howard(as Janks) says ''I'm a five foot two man.'' They played with that idea for a few seconds before moving on to the news.
During the news Howard said Greg had a great door-to-door sales story. Greg said they still do that in his neighborhood. He said it was 9:30 at night and a black guy showed up at his place late at night. He said the guy seemed to understand that it was late and he was a black guy so he didn't push too hard. He said he was pushing some crappy Christian magazine and was coughing all over everything. Greg said he eventually opened the door for the guy but after he started coughing and he asked him to leave because he didn't want to get sick. Greg said after that he told his wife a story about this mid-western girl who came to his house when he was in his 20s selling magazines. He said this girl was a little plump but she was good looking. Greg said that he invited her in and she found a video tape on the table. It was Greg's stand-up comedy tape. She was impressed and said he must be doing pretty good to own a house like that. It was actually his parents house. He said he started making out with her and then brought her up to his bedroom which had race car wallpaper and a Fonzie poster on the wall. He said the girl asked him what that was all about so he told her that he'd just bought the house and that stuff was there when he moved in. He never bought any magazines and she told him she had to go because a van was picking them up in 10 minutes. He said his friend called him later on and said a girl had come to his house selling magazines and he bought like five of them and got nothing from her. Greg said he told his wife that story and she wasn't impressed. He said she was in ''the mood'' to have sex that night and his story just ruined it. Howard said guys think that stories like that will impress their girlfriends or wives but it never does. Howard had to take another break shortly after that story.
After the break Howard said that Greg will be appearing at Carolines on Broadway tonight through Sunday, April 10-13th. He then played an AC/DC cover band who sent them a song called ''For Those Who Bomb Iraq, We Salute You.'' He played a few seconds of that song. Artie did his impression of Brian Johnson and sang along a little bit.
A guy called in and told Howard he has to remake DMX's ''My Niggas'' song. Howard said he did that already when he did ''My Radio Niggas.'' He ended up playing it a short time later. A listener called in and complained about Howard playing the song but it sounded like he was goofing on them. Howard played a little bit of the real DMX song before getting back to Robin's news.
Howard said they have three women coming in who all claim they have perfect asses. He said he doesn't even know how you get three women who think the same thing but they've got 'em.
Howard said women seem to love sending these chain letters over the web. He said his girlfriend sent one out to Toni, his hair dresser, and Stuttering John's wife. Apparently you send out the letter and they send you a pair of panties. That eventually trickles down and you end up getting like 53 pair of panties. Howard said he got a chain letter that was billed as a ''man's chain letter'' that doesn't cost anything. Howard said you send your mail out to get women instead of stuff like panties. It was a joke e-mail of course. Howard read through it and said that at the top of the list was Bill Clinton and forms of his name for the first 100 names. Howard had to take a break a short time after bringing that up.
After the break one of the intros they had said that Howard has a law named after him. Howard wasn't sure what that was referring to. He eventually remembered that it was the law in New York that says they're supposed to do road work at night instead of during the day. Howard and Robin said they don't adhere to that law but it is named after him.
Howard said they have Lionel Ritchie coming in next week. He said they'll also have Darryl Worley and Sofia Vergara next week.
Howard brought up the three girls they have coming in today who claim to have perfect asses. Howard played Mystikal's ''Shake Ya Ass'' and ''Bouncin' Back'' that he liked by the same guy. He really likes his stuff. Howard and the guys talked about him for a short time. Howard wondered if he writes his own stuff. Robin said she's pretty sure rappers write their own stuff.
Howard said he went to dinner with his daughter and his niece last night and actually had fun. Robin said that's a good thing. Howard told her that he has a hard time having fun and is always shocked when he does.
Howard said he spoke to someone last night about Robin's weight loss. He didn't want to mention the guy's name because Robin knows him. He said the guy asked Howard if he knew how she lost the weight she's lost lately. Howard said the guy was standing behind her staring at her ass and told him about that. Howard kiddingly said that it was this guy Bucky. Howard said he's proud of her for losing the weight. Robin said she has to get a new wardrobe because she's lost so much weight. Robin said she's still losing weight though. She said her goal is her original weight of 8 pounds. She said she's still heavier than people think she is. She said she has about 15 more to lose. Howard said she was at her best weight when they were at WNBC. She said she really was at the right weight back then. Howard said he wants to see her without the afro at that weight. Gary asked her if she'd pose for Playboy if she got to her goal weight. She said she's thought about that and would like to have people see her body at that age. Stuttering John came in and asked Howard if he knew how much weight she lost. Howard said it was about 50 but Robin corrected him and said it was about 60 pounds now. She said she should be done by sometime in May. Gary said ''Photo shoot in June!'' John asked Howard if he'd be turned off if Beth gained 60 pounds. Howard said he's told her not to do that because it won't be good. Howard said he knew a guy whose wife gained a lot of weight and he never said a word to her. Then she got the workout bug and got back down to her old weight. Then she dumped him even though he never said a word about her getting fat. Howard said you can call your women fat because they won't leave you until they lose the weight.
Sean the White Rapper called in and cursed within seconds so Howard hung up on him. The guys weren't sure why he was doing late lately and talked about him for a short time. Howard took another call from a guy who was wondering if Robin has to use birth control these days. Robin said that she really doesn't have to use anything. Gary reminded Howard that she went through menopause. Robin said she doesn't get a regular cycle anymore. She said it's not a monthly thing anymore, it's more of an annual thing. Howard asked her what she'd do if she got pregnant. She said she's never gotten pregnant and doesn't think that she'd be able to live with herself. She said she'd probably have to jump off a building after having the baby. She said she wouldn't be able to have an abortion and live with herself either. She said that she'd have to keep the baby and raise it herself.
Robin said that her period's come and go on occasion and she said she's not well lubricated down there anymore either. She has to use lube once in a while. Howard told her that if he put her with Brad Pitt, she wouldn't have a problem. She said it doesn't work like that anymore. She said ''it's just not there'' anymore. Robin said that the signs of menopause start showing up in your 40's and Gary said his wife is now 42 so that might be coming soon. Howard asked her about using the K-Y jelly and she talked about that no problem. She told Howard they still have sex once or twice a week so her sex drive hasn't gone down. Howard said he and Beth have sex about 5 times a week. Howard said they double up on weekends so he's probably having sex 7 times a week. Stuttering John has known his wife for 6 years and they don't do it that often these days. John asked Howard what it was like with his wife toward the end of their marriage. Howard said he wasn't going to talk about that though. John was wondering when that attraction will wear off for Howard and Beth. Gary told Howard that Beth will eventually need that lube by the side of the bed but he said that's not going to happen.
Stuttering John said that Robin has a fan in her room there because she gets hot flashes. Robin said that still happens these days and she still has the fan in there.
Gary told Howard that he and his wife go through phases where they have sex a bunch of times and then stop for like a month. Howard asked Gary about the old days when he used to get tons of chicks. Gary would only smile, he didn't seem to want to talk about it since he's married now. Howard said he thinks Fred was gay back then because he didn't seem to be into chicks back then. Howard said there was a period of about 10 years when Fred was a mess. Robin and Gary said there was a whole room of women at WNBC who loved Fred and he didn't act upon it. Gary said he wouldn't bang the chicks for some reason.
Howard talked to Fred about how he doesn't have to wait a few months to bang his wife after having the baby. Gary said you really do have to wait that long but Howard said it's only 7 weeks. The guys were talking about how guys will still look at naked women in magazines and stuff even when they're having a great time with their women. Howard said he still looks at naked chicks in magazines even though he has Beth. Howard said he knows for a fact that some of the guys in the room have done stuff with women other than their wives/girlfriends but he won't say who it was. He said one of the guys in the room is guilty of doing that. He had Robin look around the room to see if she could tell who that might be. Howard said Benjy would love to be on the hook for that one but he's not even close. Howard said all of the other guys were on the list of possibilities. He stopped it before it got any farther though.
Howard said there was a trivia quiz in Entertainment Weekly that he could barely answer. He read some of those questions which included:
A listener called in and asked Robin what her secret was to lose weight. Robin said there are many ways to lose weight and she wasn't talking about it. She said she researched stuff and found a way to lose the weight on her own. She said she had problems with her health that led to her finding this solution. She said she has an inflammation problem and found a way to work it out. She's still not talking about how she's done it though.
Howard talked about the looting in Baghdad. He said we have the same problem here in the States and getting free stuff is great. He said the people there have had nothing while Hussein has been in power and that's why they're out looting. Robin said they went through a hospital and left nothing untouched. She said that was just wrong because when people get sick they're going to need that stuff.
Howard mentioned that the new Jack Nicholson/Adam Sandler movie got bad reviews. Howard wasn't surprised by that because he mentioned how bad it looked when he saw previews of it the other day.
Howard mentioned their trip to Las Vegas and said they're going to be doing a lot of stuff out there. He said they have a chick who wants to date a listener. He said if you want more info on that you can call (212) 314-9322. He went on to talk about the $100,000 GoldenPalace.com bet they'll be doing with a listener who has a really sad story. Then there's the Miss Buttaface contest with a $25,000 grand prize. He encouraged women with great bodies but not-so-good faces to call in. Howard said there are a lot of women who could win this contest but they don't realize they have bad faces. Howard said he had a picture of a woman who has Joe Perry from Aerosmith's face but a good body. Robin said she looks more like Dee Snider from Twisted Sister. Howard said she really has a man's face but her body is great. Howard said that contest is brought to us by Trim Spa. He said you can call or check HowardStern.com for more details. They're also going to be playing a $10,000 Win Fred's Money when they're out there.
Howard said he's going to be seeing some shows and gambling while he's out there in Vegas. Artie said the number one thing on his list of things to do is play Craps. Stuttering John said that Craps has one of the worst odds out there. He said Blackjack and Baccarat are the best odds. Artie argued and said there are ways to win at Craps. Artie talked about how you can root against guys and hope they don't roll what they want and stuff like that. Artie said one of the interns told him that Tiger Woods bets are now 4-1 so he's torn and doesn't know if he wants to bet on him. Howard told Artie he should stop gambling though because he's going to lose a lot of money. He also said that Artie wasn't all that fun when he gambled with him out in Vegas last time. Howard also wondered if Fred was going to gamble with them. He asked him a couple of questions about Blackjack and Fred gave him a couple of wrong answers so he said he'd rather not play. He also asked KC some questions and said he doesn't want to play with him either. He said KC is always confused and the dealer has to start doing stuff for him. Howard said he's not playing with John either because he drinks and smokes pot while he's playing. He said he doesn't want John there hitting on waitresses and stuff either.
Vinnie Favale called in and said he wants in on the gambling table with Howard. He said he's bringing between $500 and $1000 to gamble. Artie laughed at him and asked him why he doesn't just get into a card game in Newark or something. Scott the Engineer came in and Howard said as soon as he was in his sight, he started to ''lose massively.'' Howard said he really is a jinx. He said if Scott walks by him out there, he's going to quit playing and cut his losses. Howard said their buddy Ross got kicked out of a casino down in Atlantic City after trashing a room. Gary said they got mad at Ross out in Las Vegas when they were there last because he curses a lot at the table. Gary said he's really not allowed back down in Atlantic City because security was chasing him around. Gary said Stuttering John was crapping in the bathroom near the table they were playing at out in Vegas. Howard said that's a reason for not having him at the table. He was also belching at the table in the dealer's face. John said Howard wasn't even there though.
Stuttering John said Gary makes stuff up to make it sound worse than it is. KC came in and said it really did stink the time John stunk up the private bathroom at the game that time. Howard told John he has to go up to his room to take a crap. John said the table was hot that night and he didn't want to leave. John thought all of this stuff was ridiculous.
John asked Howard if you are always supposed to take a hit on an 11. Howard said yes. He asked KC a question about doubling down and KC gave the wrong answer so Howard said that's why he doesn't want to play with him at the table. All of the guys were arguing about when to hit and when to stand in a Blackjack game. Artie said that Sam Simon is a great guy to play with. Gary said he stares at the card though and Howard said he doesn't want anyone to screw with his game so he probably won't play with him. Stuttering John and KC were yelling at each other about when to hit in Blackjack. John was telling him to split 8's if the dealer is showing a 9. Gary said you always split aces and 8's.
Howard said Dominic Barbara is coming out there too and he's a great guy to play with. Howard and Vinnie talked about the private jet they're taking out to Vegas. Howard said it'll be catered and they'll have a lot of alcohol with them on the plane. Robin said she's going to bring her roller blades out there and wanted Benjy to take them with him. Howard said Benjy has been kicked off the private jet because it was getting a little crowded. Howard said they call it an 11 seater but it's really only 8 seats.
Howard said he had a meeting with Mel Karmazin yesterday but he had to take a nap first. He said Benjy was in his office rifling through his box of porn back in his office. Howard said he caught him red handed and asked him what he had in his hand. Benjy said it was a box of free stuff and he had some movie about lesbian vampires or something. He said the movie has lesbians who give you oral and then eat you. Howard said someone also stole a glass dildo they had back there and he's wondering if it was Benjy since he's back there. Benjy said he would take it but he didn't.
Howard asked Artie and the guys what they wanted on the plane when they went. Artie said he wants a whole platter of meats and Italian specialties. He said he wants some rolls from some bakery in Nutley, New Jersey. Stuttering John said he wants some Amstel Light and some limes. Fried chicken, sliced turkey, alcohol, grilled chicken, chocolate cake, fruit and a bunch of other stuff was thrown in there too. Fred said he can eat any of that stuff they mentioned. He said he'll play cards with them too. Gary asked everyone what they wanted to drink when they do their drinking show. Robin said she wants sparkling water for that show. The guys talked about how Artie crapped in the private jet one time and stunk up the airplane. John said they complain about him crapping in a private bathroom and Artie is crapping in an airplane. Artie told Howard about how he's seen Stuttering John stop at a convenience store, buy a re-heatable cheese steak sandwich, throw it in the microwave and then go to the bathroom and take a dump. Then he comes back and eats the cheese steak. They spent a short time talking about stuff like that before going to break again.
Yucko the Clown(DamnShow.com) was in this morning to judge also so Howard spoke to him for a few seconds. Howard then introduced this guy Six who went up on stage when the Foo Fighters went up to accept their Grammy. He pretended he was part of the band and just hung out with them and said that Rock 'N Roll would be nothing without BB King. Six said that he's broken into a lot of award shows before. He was also up on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards when the girls of Lady Marmalade went up to accept their award. He said he got a kiss from Janet Jackson that night. Howard said Janet's ass is in bad shape but Six said it was nice.
Howard decided to move on to the game but Yucko said he was ''stuck between a coon and a fag, what a day!'' Howard then introduced the first girl from BottomzUp.tv, Jennifer. She told Howard what they are all about and then turned around and showed her ass. The guys weren't that impressed with it though. The guys noticed she had a lisp so they goofed on that too. Jennifer said that she was approached and told that she had a nice ass. Howard had Ralph give his evaluation first. Ralph pulled out his laser pointer and showed the bad stuff all over her ass. Six said he'd give her a 6. Yucko said he'd give her a 3. Ralph said he'd give her a 1. Jennifer thinks that she's a 9.5 so Yucko said ''Yeah, on the richter scale!'' Howard read some of her other quotes and she claims to have gotten banged in an elevator down in Atlantic City. She also said that she had sex on a car and one of the guys asked if the car was on at the time because that would explain her ass. Yucko said that would explain the ''grill marks on that ham.'' Yucko also called her a ''fat sea cow'' as well. Ralph told her that she's got a fat ass after she said she's lucky because she can eat whatever she wants and still has a flat stomach. Ralph said that maybe if she bent over her ass would look better. She claimed that she was into fitness so Yucko said ''You said you're into fitness? How about fittin'is in your mouth?''
Up next was Tea. Howard had her turn around and had the guys check it out. Howard spent a short time talking to her about what her ethnic background was and then had her turn around again. She rates herself a 9.5. The guys said her ass was much better than Jennifer's. Ralph had her spank herself to show how flabby it was. It looked pretty good according to Six. Howard continued to read some of her bio and talked to her about how she banged her college professor. She said it was her English professor. She said she was going over a paper with him when she banged him. Howard went through the details of that. She said she banged him and said she did get an A but she always got A's on her papers. She also claims to have had sex in a bathroom of a club and on a car one time. Six said he'd give Tea an 8 for her ass. Yucko said he'd give her a 6.5. Ralph said her ass was great and pointed out some of the nicer points of the ass.
Howard asked Tea what their web site was all about. She told him that they put together a video tape and sell it on their web site. Howard went on to tell them that their bodies were better than their faces so they should enter his Miss Buttaface contest. Neither of them want to enter the contest though. Howard said he doesn't get that because they have a chance to win $25,000!
Finally, Caroline from BottomzUp.tv came in to show off her ass. Howard said she rates herself a 10. She said her nose is the only thing she doesn't think is perfect because it's been broken a bunch of times. She said one guy broke it and she used to get in arguments in school. She said she had to have her appendix removed not too long ago so she had a scar on her belly. She also claims that she had sex with one of the members of N' Sync a few months ago. She claims she did that in the office of a club they were at. She claims that it was Joey Fattone that she had sex with. Artie and Yucko were goofing on her a little bit because of the way she was talking. Yucko said she sounded like she was sucking on chalk all morning. Howard asked her if Joey just got married recently. She said she thinks he did but when she was with him it was about 6 months ago. She said she stood up with her hands on the ground when he banged her from behind. She demonstrated her position and the guys got quite a view from the reaction they gave. Howard said she claims that she also had sex with one of her high school teachers when she was 17. She said she never told anyone about it though. She said when she was in high school she never wore underwear. Howard wondered how she got out of the house. She told him that her mother was very lenient. Howard asked her some questions about her banging her teacher. She claims that she went out to lunch with the teacher a bunch of times. After that she said it just kind of happened. She told Howard that things just kind of happened. Their first time was in his car. Artie and Yucko made jokes about her sounding masculine while she was telling the story. She said she also had sex with the teacher in the teacher's lounge one time. Artie said if people walked by they'd just think the teacher was having sex with Larry King. Howard thought the story was pretty hot. She said that wasn't the only teacher she slept with. After she left school she ran into an old Social Studies teacher and banged him. She's only 19 so this wasn't that long ago. Caroline said she's a dancer so she was offered $10,000 to go back and have sex with him. She turned that down though. She lost her virginity at the age of 12 to a 19 year old. Howard asked her if she was raped. She said she gave it up without being raped. She didn't even have any breasts at that age though. Howard said she also likes to give oral to a guy in a moving car with the windows down. She said she's a nymphomaniac. She also claims that she broke up with her boyfriend 2 weeks ago and has a new guy that she had sex with before the show. She said she's having fun while she can after Ralph asked her if she ever thinks about how she's going to be used up within a couple of years. Caroline said she's the host of the videos they put out at their web site.
Ralph said Caroline's ass wasn't that great because there was no shape to it. She said her waist is a little thick too. He suggested doing some squats and losing a couple of pounds. Yucko agreed with him but Six said you need something to grab onto when you're banging a chick. Ralph pointed out some of her other problems and gave her a score of 6. Six gave her a 7 and Yucko gave her a 4. The guys asked to see her breasts and Howard seemed to like her 36Ds. Artie said that shut him up when he saw them. Gary said they were perfect because they were natural. Ralph said they're going to drop more and she'll eventually get implants to fix them. She said she'll get a lift but never get implants.
Howard wrapped up the segment and gave the girls a plug for their web site. Howard said the second one, Tea, had the best ass of the three. Yucko told the first one, Jennifer, she had the worst face and she should enter the Miss Buttaface contest. Howard also let Yucko get in a couple of plugs. He's appearing at Carolines on Broadway tonight and tomorrow night. He said they've also got a video clearance going on over at DamnShow.com. Six had a plug for a web site he's got in the works as well as a plug for his friend's web site GingerbreadGirls.com. Ralph had nothing to plug other than the fact that you can still smoke over at Scores. He said they have great lawyers over there and even though you can't smoke in the restaurant, you can still smoke in the club. Howard took a break after the plugs.
Howard was under the impression they hired unfunny comics to open up for musical acts to make them look better but Artie said they usually do that just when a comic is opening for another comic. Howard asked Tommy what the crowds were like at the Cher concerts. Tommy said there are a lot of gay men and a lot of older married couples at the concerts. Ralph wanted Tommy to tell some jokes but he was on a horrible phone and didn't want to do it. Howard told him to go see him in concert with Cher.
Howard took a call from this woman Andrea who claims that Tommy once dressed up in drag as Cher and she had a picture of him in drag. Howard didn't seem to care that much and got both of them off the phone a short time later.
Artie said the best story is when Gilbert opened up for Belinda Carlisle and ended up using the C-word with an almost all female audience. He said he'd give anything to see tape of that.
Mike Walker was on the phone so Howard got to him so they could play the Gossip Game. Howard said he saw a picture in one of the tabloids of Jennifer Lopez's leg filled with cellulite. He said it was pretty nasty looking. Mike said he picked up one of those magazines and saw that picture. He said someone said it's got to be fake. Mike said they never fake pictures like that at his company so it's possible it is that bad. He said it really was a shocking picture though. He said he was surprised because Jennifer stays in shape.
Mike also told Howard that one of his phony stories from 2 weeks ago actually came true. He said that Nicole Kidman wasn't invited to Russel Crowe's wedding like his story said. Howard and Robin ended up talking about Nicole Kidman for a few seconds. Robin said that she could be in the Miss Buttaface contest. Howard said if he ever got to bang her, he'd call Mike as fast as possible and give him the scoop. Mike talked about how she's actually very beautiful in person but when you see her on film you don't get a feeling of her being sexual at all.
The guys also talked about Tom Cruise and how he got out of that relationship with Nicole just in time. They talked about how he moved on to Penelope Cruz who isn't that hot. Howard said he'd take Ashley Judd over any of those chicks. He also said he finds Angelina Jolie very hot and would bang her until her lips fell off. Mike said that Angelina has a tattoo that says ''Billy Bob'' somewhere in her vaginal area. He said he also broke the story about the two of them carrying around each other's blood and no one believed that story. They talked about some of the other stuff Angelina has done over the years like the movie ''Gia.'' Mike said that's when she was at her hottest. He described a scene where she was poking her nipples through a fence and said that was really hot (see pics at MrSkin.com). The guys found that pretty disturbing.
Howard asked Mike who the hottest chick he ever met was. He said that Sandra Bullock when she was younger was very beautiful. Howard found that hard to believe though. He said he'd bang her though and he'd call Mike in the middle of it to let him know.
Howard talked about staying at a hotel one time and there was a photographer there who was chasing him down. He managed to ''take care of things'' and the pictures were never seen. The guys wondered if he got someone from the mob after the photographer. Howard said it was something like that. They played ''The Godfather'' theme in the background as they played with that idea.
Howard moved on to the game after that. Here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
A listener called in and said in Jennifer Lopez's ass, in her new video, is doing the Pac Man and eating her shorts. He said 13 year old kids are going to go nuts for that.
Howard took a call from Chaunce Hayden(ChaunceHayden.com) who said he's seen Jennifer Lopez and Kathie Lee Gifford recently, about 6 months ago, and he'd have to pick Kathie Lee over J-Lo. Chaunce said she looked good and had no body fat or anything. He was wondering if she ''hit the wall'' since then. They spent a few seconds on that before Howard got Chaunce off the phone and moved on to Robin's news.
During Robin's news Howard said that Debbie Schlussel was on the phone calling in from the Masters Golf Tournament. He ended up talking about this one club where they really don't want women in the club. Debbie said she hasn't been calling every day and she agrees that golf clubs should be allowed to be private and keep women out if that's what they want. Howard asked Debbie why you can separate men from women but not whites from blacks. Debbie said there are physical differences between men and women and doesn't think that anyone should be forced to take someone into a private club. Robin said that as long as we have problems like this in our country, we can't go around telling people to give peace a chance. Debbie asked Robin if she has a party at her house she can invite just her girlfriends if she wants. Robin said that's not the same thing though. Robin said that if you have a world class event at a private club then you're condoning keeping people separated. Howard said he doesn't think that women should be treated any different than blacks or Jews or anyone like that. Tom Chiusano came in and said the tournament is an invitational event and it's no run by the PGA or anything so they should be allowed to exclude who they want. Howard argued with them about that and wrapped up the call a short time later.
Artie mentioned that he's going to prove that women aren't as good at sports as guys when he plays basketball against a female basketball player later this month in Las Vegas. He said he trained at Bally Total Fitness for an hour and he's ready to beat this girl at Basketball. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said he can see why guys wouldn't want women in their golf club because sometimes he just wants to get away from women. Ralph said he was at the gym last night and this one girl was just talking and talking while she was lifting weights. She just wouldn't shut up. He said she'd just bring up a topic just so she could talk and he just wanted to work out. Howard said at a club you might just want to sit around and talk about chicks and then a woman will show up and the guys don't want to talk. Then they'd get in trouble if they talk about women in front of them. They'll get charged with sexual harassment or something. Ralph was yelling about this stuff like he was really angry. He mentioned Lucille Roberts gym and how that's an all female gym. Robin said she doesn't have a problem with all male anything. They discussed that stuff for a short time before Robin got back to her news. Ralph was still angry and threw in a few comments about that one woman at the gym who wouldn't shut up. He said she would have been hot if she'd just shut up. Artie said he was probably thinking that she was just a piece of duct tape away from being a perfect 10. Howard said there are some women who just never shut up and tell every detail of their lives and then don't listen when you talk to them. Ralph said that Robin is chatty but she has interesting stuff to say. Howard said he doesn't know what she's like at home though. Robin said she doesn't even answer the phone at home and doesn't talk much there either. Howard said when they've gone out to eat, Robin stays pretty quiet and lets Mr. X do the talking. Robin said Ralph is actually pretty chatty himself and doesn't stop. She said she's surprised that he has this complaint since he does a lot of talking. Ralph said that he doesn't talk in the gym though. Ralph said that there are rules written out for Robin at her house from Mr. X. He said they're hilarious but Robin says she doesn't read them so she can't remember what they say. Ralph said he has to go take a picture of them to show Howard.