After the break Howard didn't know where to begin. Artie mentioned something about gambling on a tournament and losing so they spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Gary said that he was out with Artie and he was asking people on the street if they knew who won the game. Howard changed subjects and said that he had an idea to get everyone together for a dinner the other night. He got everyone like Robin, Gary, Stuttering John, Artie, Benjy and others. He said that he expects Artie to be the life of the party but he usually just sits there and drinks quietly. Artie said he remembers having some conversations with Howard though. Gary heard that Artie was out with John one day and he was very quiet until he had about 4 Jack and water's in him. Then he was singing ''Oh Danny Boy.''
Howard said they went to Dos Caminos with everyone and the food was great. Howard said Mr. X told him he was a little bit concerned with his choice of restaurants but was surprised at how good it was. Gary brought up Artie's betting again and talked about his crazy logic. Artie said he can afford to bet $500 on a game so it's not that big of a deal. Howard said that might be why Artie is so preoccupied during dinner because he's more concerned with the scores of games and stuff. Artie said that he bets about $1000 a day during times like these when there are tons of games to bet on. Artie said he asked a bartender at Dos Caminos about the score of a game he was wondering about and the Bartender had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard said they took off a lot of stuff from their bill that night so it was around $700. He said he tipped their waitress $500 because she worked so hard.
Gary said there was a woman at the restaurant who was kind of annoying. Howard said the woman greeted him as he came in and he said hello to her but kept walking. She then said something about him being an ass. Howard said he turned around and asked her what he did wrong. She said she told him she was a big fan and expected more from him. He said it was ridiculous and walked to his table. Howard said another woman who was having a bachelorette party asked him to come over and take pictures with them. Howard said he'd rather not but said he'd sign something for her. Gary said one of her friends was on the other side of a wall taking pictures of him anyway. Howard said he went to another restaurant for breakfast one time and some Chinese looking woman started taking pictures of him. Howard got annoyed with that and she just kept taking pictures and laughing as she did it. Howard said she was laughing maniacally but he doesn't know why. Gary said they were having a conversation at the time the bachelorette party woman came over to them. He said the conversation came to a complete halt when she interrupted them and Howard looked kind of bummed out after it.
Howard brought up the Iraq war and said he feels bad for those guys over there.
Gary brought up the fact that John was ''interrogating'' Benjy's date at the dinner they were at. Howard said it turns out Benjy has been dating her for over a month now. John said it seems like Benjy's not that into her. Benjy said they're just seeing each other. They are ''intimate'' with each other according to Benjy. John said that Benjy was sweating profusely and showed up late to the dinner. John also said that Benjy said he would have done what Scott the Engineer was willing to do. He said he'd be willing to take anal from 20 guys if he didn't lose 20 pounds. Howard said he could lose 20 pounds no problem. Forty pounds was more of a challenge and if he didn't lose the weight, he'd have to have anal from 40 guys. Howard said the worse part was that Benjy brought that up in front of this chick he was with. Howard and the guys blamed John for bringing stuff like that up in front of that chick. They told stories about what a jerk Benjy is in front of this chick and Howard thought it was wrong. He said he was going to toast Benjy which would have been good for him with this chick but everyone else was telling embarrassing stories about him. John said that they've been going out for a long time so he didn't think it would be a big deal. Howard and Robin said it was the first time they'd been out with the group so they should have laid off. Howard and Gary said that Benjy was fun at the party and he wasn't as weird as they figured he'd be. John and Gary were arguing about who makes fun of who at parties and stuff like that.
Howard said that Gary goes out to smoke while they're at dinner and his wife gets pissed when he does that. John and Howard said they heard her use the F-word when she was talking about that. Gary said she also called him an asshole when he went out for a smoke at one point. Gary said when he drinks he has to have a cigarette so that's what he did. He also went out with Artie to help him try to find out what the score of the Xavier game was.
Howard said that last night on the Academy Awards they cut Moore off when he was making a statement and getting booed. Robin said she thought it was the fact that he was going too long but Howard and Gary didn't think so. Howard had the clip to play. He said he doesn't agree with him but he didn't think they should cut him off. Howard said he was saying some funny stuff and he should have been allowed to go on. Howard played the tape and Moore goes on and on about our fictitious election results and stuff like that. He got about a minute of time even though each person was supposed to have only 45 seconds. They had another tape of Adrian Brody making his speech. He went on and on for a couple of minutes before being cut off. Gary was timing his speech which went on for over 2 minutes. He even thanked Roman Polanski at one point to the applause of the crowd. Gary said he'd gone to 2 and a half minutes but when the music came on he kept going. They figured he got over 3 and a half minutes before ending it.
Howard had tape of a guy who was stuttering while he was giving his acceptance speech. Gary said John was laughing at the guy while he shook and stuttered out his speech.
Gary figures Michael Moore is more of a star than a lot of the other people who had a lot more time to ramble on. Robin said she was glad they cut Moore off though. They continued to talk about some of the other stuff that went on during the Academy Awards last night. Howard was surprised that Jack Nicholson didn't win for Best Actor.
Debbie Schlussel was still on the phone and she said something about how there were a lot of women there at the awards who were wearing dresses that were supposed to show cleavage but they didn't have any cleavage to show. That led to the guy talking about how a lot of the women looked at the awards. They talked about how odd Renee Zellweger looked because of her make up. Howard said he feels the same way about Debbie Schlussel when he sees her. He said she wears too much blue around her eyes. Gary wondered what happened to Geena Davis. Howard said there's that expression where a woman has ''hit the wall.'' Well, he said Geena hit the wall and the bricks must have fallen and hit her face too.
Howard asked Debbie for her thoughts on the Iraq war before getting her off the phone. She seems to think things are going well so far over there. Howard said he thought the war wasn't going well this weekend. He said one of our own soldiers grenaded our own guys and we accidentally shot down a British plane. For some reason Debbie cut herself off and hung up before Howard could do it. Gary said he wanted to ask her if she thinks Saddam Hussein is still alive. She called back a minute later though. She said she wasn't sure what happened. She said she thinks that we shouldn't have the Al Jezera network following our troops around. After talking about that for a short time Howard had to take another break.
Howard ended up going to Stuttering John's Oscar party instead. He said it was a party full of people he didn't know. He said the party was big and roomy and it was set up nice. The guys talked about how nice John's apartment is but it might not be in a great area. Howard said that John's wife even told him that and it burst John's bubble. He said he wanted to kill her when she said that because she was the one who wanted to live in the city. Howard said he wouldn't have known it was a bad area if no one told him. John said you really wouldn't want to be out at night in their area.
Howard went on to describe John's big apartment and how nice it was. He said after he noticed all of that John's wife was telling him had bad the neighborhood was. Artie said John brags about how he can see the Empire State Building from his apartment but Artie said that he can see it from New Jersey so it's not that big of a deal. Gary was curious to find out how much John paid for that apartment. They were asking him if it was over a million bucks or under. He said he really didn't want to talk about it. He said an apartment below his sold for $300,000 more than he paid for his just a few months ago. John eventually said that the West Village isn't in that bad of an area. He said that his wife is afraid of her own shadow and that's why she thinks the area isn't that great. The guys said he's not actually in the West Village though. Howard said a lot of people lie about where they live and John might be doing that. John said she was scared living in the other apartment they had too.
Howard said he had a great time at John's party. John apparently had catered food from Nobu so it was great.
John said he's having another party in June and is planning on having a band play there. He's trying to decide between George Thorougood, Cheap Trick or Joan Jett. He said he's willing to spend up to $10,000 for one of those bands. He said he may have a band that plays covers of a bunch of bands. Howard said he might as well just get a DJ who will play some good music. Howard said he'd go to the party if Cheap Trick is there but they're probably going to play a bunch of their bad songs. John said he has control of the set list though so it shouldn't be a problem. Howard said that would be pretty funny if they played there. Howard said he's not a fan of George Thourogood so he wouldn't be interested in seeing him play. John said he's got 10 great songs. Howard said they're all the same song though. John said he might even get the Stray Cats to do a reunion at his party. They talked about Joan Jett for a short time also. John said he's pretty sure he can do this because he's got a sound guy who will do the party cheap. He thinks he can just have the band fly in and pay them $10,000. John said he thinks he can get a band like Quiet Riot to show up. Howard said they're not that good. Howard said John could probably get Def Leppard to show up for that kind of money. John said he loves the band but wouldn't want them to play his party.
Robin asked Howard if any of John's new friends were at his Oscar party on Sunday. Howard said none of the celebrities from ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!'' were there. John said Tyson Beckford was a no show. Cris Judd didn't show but he had a good excuse according to John. Howard said John must have gotten really bummed out after that show was over. John talked about how depressed he got after he was done shooting his movie. He was treated really well while he was there and got spoiled. He said it was tough to go back to just doing his radio show.
Stuttering John talked about how much money Tyson Beckford can make being a model. He said he makes like $50,000 for a half day of work. That led to the guys talking about some of the other celebrities who were on that show with John make money. They tried to figure out where their incomes come from.
Howard changed subjects and talked about Steve Martin's hosting job on the Academy Awards last night. At one night someone tossed a cell phone up on stage but the directory missed the shot and screwed up the joke. They also talked about how weird the Mickey Mouse voice was when he gave out an award. Howard said it was creepy. They talked about Adrian Brody kissing Halle Berry and how she had to ''mop up'' after the kiss.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Crazy Cabbie's new business that they talked about last week on the show. Howard said Tom has apparently come up with a new rule where employees won't be able to start businesses like Cabbie got into. John said he's had some problems with Tom and his rules too. Howard said they have to stop all of this before everyone falls for Tom's logic. Howard explained how there have been people who talk about what stocks to buy but don't tell people that they're part owner in that business. He doesn't seem to think someone like Cabbie is doing anything like that with his business though. He said he doesn't see a problem with what Cabbie is doing but Tom thinks he has to make an issue out of it. Robin seems to have a problem with what Cabbie so she and Howard argued about it for a short time. She said that Cabbie didn't ask about doing this before he went out and did it.
Tom came in and said that he has the right to control certain things that their employees do outside of work. He said that Cabbie should no be involved in a gambling web site. Gambling in New York is against the law. Howard and Robin were still arguing about all of this. Howard said Cabbie shouldn't be forbidden from having a business outside of the show. Stuttering John asked if he could open a restaurant if he wanted to. Tom told him he'd have to discuss it beforehand but he wouldn't have a problem with John opening a restaurant. Howard said Tom can't control what he does. Howard said to him this is just a control issue with Tom. They continued to discuss that for a short time before Howard had to take another break.
Howard said he got pissed when during E!'s coverage of the Academy Awards Red Carpet, they didn't have one promo for his show. He said they promoted Michael Esseny's show and the Anna Nicole Smith show but not his. Howard said he has to ask Mindy Herman about that. He said he doesn't get it. He figures they must think that people are offended by his show so they won't promote it.
Howard said he was bummed out when he saw the tape of the POW's over in Iraq. He said our guys look like they're in high school and the Iraqis are babbling in their language. Howard said one of our POWs is lying down and there's blood coming out of his side. Howard said he hopes they don't kill those guys but it doesn't look good. Robin said that they like to capture them and torture them over there. She said she saw a POW from the Gulf war who said they just started beating him when they gave up on asking him questions.
Crazy Cabbie called in to talk to Howard but Howard said he'd rather do it off the air. He said Tom told him stuff that made sense to him during the break. Howard said he used to get mad at Jackie when he'd sell stuff to his fans because people think that it's him selling it. Cabbie and Howard decided not to change the subject before they got in trouble. Cabbie wanted to talk about the Iraqis and what scumbags they are. Howard said we should have bombed them for two weeks before sending in ground troops. Howard said they're not going to be happy for us once we take over. He said the people are angry and not cheering for us. Robin said there are some people cheering for us over there though. Cabbie sounded all bummed out and mellow this morning. He got in a few plugs for Trim Spa and for the Cane and Cabbie show that airs 2 to 6 on their station in New York City.
Howard got off the phone and continued to talk about the Iraq war. Robin said she tried to tell Howard before the war that it wasn't going to be an easy war and there would be casualties.
Howard said Rudy Giuliani was supposed to be on the show today but he canceled for some reason. He went on to read some stuff from the tabloids. Howard said that there's a report about the fact that if you go to a record store and listen to music, you can get a bad case of head lice. He said that people carry that crap in their hair and use the headphones there. The report says that lice can live on the headphones for 24-48 hours. Howard talked about how uncool that is and how they have to find a way to wipe those things down. Artie said he and ''Evil Dave'' share headphones once in a while so he's not sure what he's putting on his head. Gary came in and said the interns come in every morning and wipe them down with alcohol now. They have homeless people in there sometimes and don't know what they're carrying.
Howard brought up the Oscar party he was supposed to go to the other night and how he backed out of it. He mentioned the gift basket he was going to get and how that was the main reason he was going to go. He ended up talking about the same stuff he'd been talking about earlier in the morning but said he wanted Beth to wear the shoes that were sent over for her to wear while they had sex. He said he had her keep them on while they had sex. Artie told Howard he should have bukkaked the shoes. Howard said he was digging those shoes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's turned on by his daughter's friends. He wondered if Howard is turned on to his daughter's friends. Howard said he turns that off and just doesn't get turned on. The guy on the phone was saying that he puts on his daughter's underpants and stuff and thinks about her friends to get off. Howard thought he was kidding though. He said that a guy who puts that stuff on has to be a homo. He said that the guy must have been ignored by his father so much that he has to dress in women's clothes to get his father's attention. Howard told him to grow up and be a man. He told him to stop wearing his daughter's clothes. Howard told the guy probably isn't attracted to his wife anymore. He asked the guy what he's going to do if his daughter finds out what he's doing. He told him he should find some new, hot poon tang so he forgets about his daughter's friends. The guy was talking about wearing nail polish and stuff like that. Howard asked him if he's ever sniffed his daughter's panties. He said that has never turned him on. Howard told him he needs a good beating after hearing some of that stuff. He told the guy he needs to get out of the house and away from his wife and daughter.
Howard was going to take another break but he had this woman Lori Levine on the phone. She's the one who he spoke to about going to the Oscar party over the weekend. She called in to talk to him about how sorry she was he wasn't able to make it. Howard said that they were supposed to get this basket full of stuff that was worth like $25,000. Lori told Howard about some of the gifts that were included in the basket. She said there were things like diamond necklaces, a vacuum cleaner and trips to Atlantic City among a bunch of other stuff. Lori told Howard she hopes he's able to come next year.
Howard took another phone call after that from a guy who thought he was a hypocrite for backing out of that party but still going to John's party and having sex with his girlfriend that night. Howard told the guy he was nuts and that he just didn't want to go to a party and celebrate with a bunch of people he didn't know. He said he wanted to be with friends and people he knows at John's party instead. That's why he didn't go to the other Oscar party. Howard said it was a decision he and Robin made together since she was going to be going also.
Since they were talking about Stuttering John Gary was wondering if it was true that John's building was robbed a few years ago by a bunch of guys with AK-47s. John said it wasn't AK-47s, it was pistols and he didn't even know about it until he'd already put a deposit on the place. He said the guys had robbed the store that's part of the building and broke into the rest of the building to rob the apartments there.
Howard spent a short time talking about the Academy Awards. He once again said that he thinks Jack Nicholson should have won the Oscar for his performance in ''About Schmit.'' Robin said she actually walked out of that movie because she thought it was so bad. Howard and the guys said they've heard that a lot of women didn't like the movie.
Howard talked about how well behaved Benjy was when they went out to dinner on Friday night. He said he's been afraid to invite him to anything like that because he's been known to have some odd behavior. Stuttering John told a couple of quick stories about how weird Benjy has been when he's been at his house. He said one night he slept over and woke up in the middle of the night with night terrors.
Howard took one last call before going to break. He had this guy on the phone who claims he can crack his penis like people crack their knuckles. He said he has to be aroused to do it so Howard told him to demonstrate it over the phone for him. The guy said he was too nervous at the time. Howard told him he'd put him on hold so he could get himself aroused during the commercial break.
After the break Howard was ready to do the news. He and Robin discussed the Academy Awards coverage on E! and stuff like that. Howard joked that there were actually terrorists there at the awards show but it was so boring that they fell asleep.
Howard played some news clips and started the news early, around 9:20 or so. He later said that he had to go rehearse for the upcoming Battle of the Bands. Howard played some tape of Hilary Clinton complaining about this Iraq war recently. He and Artie did impressions of her and goofed on her for a few minutes. Howard then moved on and had Robin do her news.
During Robin's news the penis cracking guy called in to give Howard a demonstration of his abilities. He said he was looking at a picture of Shania Twain on the cover of Rolling Stone to get himself aroused. He did crack it but it was very faint. Howard said he heard it but didn't seem too impressed. The guy suggested that Howard call him back tomorrow so he can have his girlfriend give him oral and crack it then. Howard told Gary to schedule him for 7:45 tomorrow morning.
Howard said he walked out on his band rehearsal yesterday. He said he'd talk about that after taking a break.
Howard said he heard that Chris Jericho's band Fozzy is a professional band so it's not really fair that they're taking them on. Stuttering John said that he heard the song and it's worse than Cory Feldman's. Howard said it sounds like they're trying to be Bon Jovi but they're not pulling it off. It's very '80's sounding to him. Howard played a couple of tracks and didn't seem so worried about losing anymore. He also played the voice mail message they got from Chris Jericho. Jericho trash talks Howard and his band and says that Fozzy is going to beat them in the battle.
Gary said he's heard that The Losers rehearsals are the most stressful thing for the people in the band. Howard gets really pissed and freaks out when things don't go right. He talked about how he just walked out and said he couldn't take it anymore. They spent a couple of minutes talking about how bad the mix was and some other technical stuff but Howard said he doesn't want to bore the audience. Stuttering John seems to think it's funny to talk about this stuff but Howard was really pissed and said he doesn't want to play any of it on the air yet.
Stuttering John said he doesn't know why Scott didn't come in earlier to talk about what the problems were with the mix. They rehearsed for a full two hours and Scott didn't say anything. Howard said this is why he's not in the music business after this performance. He said he was going out of his friggin mind rehearsing yesterday. Howard said The Losers can go on without him after this.
Howard took some phone calls after talking about that. One guy pointed out how Howard was talking like his father did to him when he was a kid while he was talking about the rehearsal. Howard said he was doing that on purpose though. He continued to talk about Scott screwing up and not saying anything during the rehearsal. Howard said it's just too difficult to do this and they won't be doing a performance out in Las Vegas when they're out there at the end of April. Stuttering John told Howard that when they rehearsed without Howard after he left, the band sounded great. Howard said he'll be ready by tomorrow even if it kills him.
Howard got Janks off the phone and took some other phone calls. One guy said he's an ex-marine and he wants to go over there and take out everyone. Howard continued to talk about the war and how we should be over there even if they don't find any chemical weapons or anything like that. The guy Howard had on the phone said he's on been on inactive duty since 1999 so that's why he's not over there right now. Howard said a guy like that should be over there because he's ready to fight. Howard said not sending that guy over there is like keeping a great quarterback out of a game.
A guy called in and changed the subject back to The Losers. He told Howard that the songs they've done in the past have been great. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard said they issued a memo at the station yesterday saying that the yearly raise requests won't be on April 1st this year. They've been pushed back to October. Stuttering John came in and tried to get Howard to play tape of their rehearsal but he doesn't find it entertaining. John said he thinks when Howard yells at Scott, it's pretty funny. Howard said he doesn't think it is and isn't going to play it.
Howard said they had some e-mail to go over. He read one about Roman Polanski and how he'd won the Best Director Academy Award over the weekend. Howard said he didn't even realize that he'd won even though Robin said it during the news yesterday. Robin said that Jack Nicholson still goes over to visit the guy in France. Robin said Polanski actually had sex with this 14 year old girl in Nicholson's house many years ago. That led to Howard talking about what scumbags the French are after that. Gary told Howard that Gary Garver was out at Night of 100 Stars and asked a bunch of celebrities if they'd work with a rapist. They all said ''no'' but when he'd ask them about working with Roman Polanski, they'd give him excuses. Gary said that one person, who may have been Florence Henderson, said you have to forgive someone like that because he only did it once. Howard wondered if they forgive O.J. Simpson for what he did or anyone else like Charles Manson.
Howard took a couple of phone calls about the French and how they seem to protect criminals. Another phone caller said that the woman who Polanski raped has forgiven him for what he did. Robin said she's out in lala land and has been brainwashed. Howard said if he was at the Academy Awards he would have read from the transcripts of that 13 year old girls deposition after the rape.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a few comments and questions. One of his questions was about this guy who said he was going to cut his leg off on the web. That apparently never happened. Gary said there was another guy who was going to cut off his ear if his band didn't get a record contract. That deadline passed and he didn't do that either.
Howard took some more phone calls and ended up talking about the war and the strange stuff that's going on over there with reporters like Geraldo Rivera. They have cameras on some of the military guys and it's just strange. There was one guy who called in and complained about the Jews over in Israel. Howard and the guy went back and forth about what's going on over there but Howard didn't think it was the way his show should be going so he changed subjects and hung up on the guy. He tried to move away from that discussion but another guy called in and said that Howard won't let people talk about stuff like that but he'll let them talk about other views on the war. Howard said he doesn't know how many people tune in to his show to hear political stuff like that. Gary told Howard it's okay to do it because we're in a war right now. He said that they're playing Stump the Booey later this week and they have a woman coming in to get naked so it makes it okay to talk about this stuff. More guys were calling in to give their views on this stuff too though. A lot of these guys are saying that the reason we're in this war is because of the Jews.
Howard wanted to know what she was wearing but all she could do was plug the phone number to call if you want to get on the show. She gave out the number (818) 432-4664. Howard said he's kind of interested in this show but it would be more interesting if the guys think they have a chance of getting into a woman's pants. He said he doesn't understand why a guy would want to do this stuff. Robin said she thinks it's creepy. Howard wanted to bet Danya that no one will watch the show. She said if she wins, she gets to come back on the show. Howard said if she loses she has to come in topless and in a thong. She swore that she'd do that if the show flops. Howard said if the show is not in first or second place in it's time slot, it's no a hit. She seemed to agree with that and said it will be a hit. She explained the show again and said she thinks people are going to be interested in this. Howard said here's a show ''I'm a Viewer, Get me Out of Here!''
Howard gave Danya a plug for the show and gave out that number again. You can also visit the ABC.com web site to find out more. He wrapped up the call a short time later.
Howard had more e-mail to read. Someone wrote in and said that they think Doug Goodstein from E! is hot. The person wrote that they want to come in and rip off all of his clothing. Another e-mailer said that Howard is wrong about Linda Lopez being hotter than Jennifer Lopez. Howard said the guy has to be kidding him because Linda is better looking than Jennifer.
Howard read another e-mail from someone who noticed that Howard is always kissing Steve Martin's ass when he sees him on TV. The person wondered if Howard is working on a project with him or something. Howard said he's just a fan of Steve Martin and thinks he's a comedic genius. Howard said he's not going to be a phony and say he dislikes the guy when he really likes him. Howard went on to talk about himself and what a genius he is. Robin wondered if it's really genius to be funny or if it's genius to be able to split the atom. Howard said being funny can be a genius quality. He said that someone like Larry David is a genius. Jerry Seinfeld is no genius according to Howard. He said Larry David got Seinfeld's show on the air so he's the genius there. Howard and the guys talked about some other comedians and whether or not they're comedic geniuses. Howard said Bill Cosby isn't a genius, Richard Pryor is. Dick Gregory isn't. George Carlin is bright, but not a genius according to Howard. Howard told Artie that he's funny, but not a genius. Adam Sandler isn't a genius either even though Artie thinks that ''Sandman'' is. Howard said Jim Carey isn't a genius either. They went over a bunch of other comedians and comedic actors. They mentioned people like Robin Williams, Woody Allen, Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock. Howard had to think about Chris Rock for a few seconds and said he's not a genius yet. Sam Kinison was a genius. Bill Hicks was funny, just not a genius. Letterman, nice man, not a genius. Leno? No. Ivan Reitman, not a genius. Brilliant guy according to Howard. Bill Murray is a genius Howard says. John Belushi, no. Dan Aykroyd is closer to being genius than Belushi was according to him. Howard said the real genius is his ex-wife's lawyer. Tom Chiusano is retarded. Robin wondered about the Chris Rock thing. Howard said he's not sure about him. He said he's brilliant and may be a genius. Artie said if Chris Rock only did his 1996 HBO special, he'd say he's genius. Howard said he does some really bad stuff once in a while so he's not a genius. John asked Howard if Gilbert Gottfried is a genius. Howard said he's really not one. Albert Brooks, no. Spielberg is a genius. Howard wondered if they were done by then. Artie threw in Mel Brooks. Howard said no to that one too. Jackie Gleason, no, Art Carney? No. Don Knotts, no. Robin asked Howard about Carl Reiner. Howard said no to that one too. Monty Python guys? No. Carol Burnett, no. Lucille Ball, Jeff Probst, no, no. Someone asked Howard if anyone on the radio is good. Howard said the person who decided to play top 40 radio was a genius. The guys threw in Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla, Sam Simon, Drew Carey, Tim Allen, Ray Romano and others. Howard said no to all of them. He said the word Genius is thrown around too much. Robin asked him if Oprah, who is outside comedy, is a genius. Howard said no to that too. He said she's just a likable person.
Howard said he'd go through some actors who are genius and no genius. He said Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino are, Tom Hanks is not. Howard also said that Gene Hackman is a genius, Marlon Brando is not. Robin, John and KC were throwing names at Howard left and right. He said no to most of the names he heard.
Howard took a call from a woman who had a few names for him. He said no to all of her questions. Howard got off the phone and continued to take more questions from Robin and the guys. He said yes to Robert Duvall but everyone else was a ''no.''
Howard kept saying he was done but Robin and the guys had even more names for him. He said there are no female comedians or actors that he would call genius. Vinnie Favale called in and started mentioning names of musicians like Elvis and people like that. Howard said no to them but said that The Beatles and Neil Young are geniuses. Howard called Paul Simon a genius but Led Zeppelin was not. Metallica, yes. Eddie Van Halen, yes, but only from years ago. Andy Kauffman was a genius according to Howard. He said that Jim Carey did not honor him in that movie he did. He said Jimi Hendrix was a genius but Frank Zappa was not. He also said that Stevie Wonder was a genius. Ray Charles, Michael Jackson, Little Richard, not geniuses. Scott Einziger? Yes, he was genius for ripping Howard off with ''Are You Hot?'' He and the guys went through a bunch of sports stars as well. Howard also slipped in James Brown as being a genius before it was all over.
It turns out Artie knows this woman and told the guys she's pretty hot. He said he knew her from when she was working on the Conan O'Brien show booking guests. Howard and the guys wanted to know how hot she was so they had him give a rating on a scale of 10. Artie gave her a 7. Howard wondered what a 7 was if he's saying she's pretty hot. Artie said he finds someone like Alyssa Milano an 8. He said someone like Soleil Moon Frye is a 7 on his scale. Howard thought that was a bit of an insult though. Artie didn't think so though. Lori said she thought she had more of a Shannon Doherty look going on.
Lori told Howard that she left Conan's show to start her own business of a celebrity booking agency. A short time later Vinnie Favale from CBS called in because he knows Lori. He was calling on his cell phone while he was riding the bus so he had to whisper the whole time. He told Howard she has more of a Teri Hatcher-when-she-was-hot vibe going on. Howard wanted to see a picture of her after hearing that she might be on a web site somewhere. She said she was but didn't want to give out the site over the air. She eventually broke down and said she's on this site Metro.tv under the ''To Live and Date In New York'' section. Howard said she is pretty cute and has a ''slutty'' look about her. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to her. He found out she's divorced from a lawyer and she has some big boobs. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later. Vinnie whispered his goodbyes as Howard went to break.
Howard said that Ed was a Marine and asked him if he's supporting the war. Ed said that of course he supports it. He and Howard talked about how horrible Saddam Hussein is and how they have to do this. Ed seems to think that as soon as Hussein uses chemical weapons on our troops it'll prove to those anti-war celebrities that the President is right. Ed talked about Michael Moore's speech at the Academy Awards on Sunday night. He said he blew it that night. He said he'd love to send that guy somewhere that a Marine Sergeant could get in his face and straighten him out. Howard asked Ed how many people he had to kill when he was in the Marines. Ed said he didn't specifically kill anyone. He said he was an artillery spotter so he'd be bombing positions, not specific people. Howard said he killed so many people he didn't get a chance to see them all. Ed told Howard about their strategy and stuff like that when he was fighting.
Howard said he never got to sit on the couch with him and Johnny. Ed said he's sorry about that and told Howard that he's a great broadcaster. He said he would have liked to have had him on with him. Howard said he would have kicked Johnny right in the nuts for him.He said he'd put his arm around Ed and ask Johnny why he treated Ed like a second banana all the time. He said he would have liked to have seen Johnny recover from that. Ed said he would have liked to have seen that himself. Ed told Howard once again that he's a great broadcaster which inflated Howard's ego even more. Howard agreed with him and bragged about himself for a few seconds.
Ed said that his life has come full circle now. He said he started out calling BINGO games with a traveling BINGO game when he was 16 years old. He said that now he's going to be calling another BINGO game that has a jackpot of $1 million. He said that will be taking place on April 15th and 16th at The Orleans Hotel in Las Vegas. He said he'd like to hang out with Howard in Vegas but Howard isn't going to be there until later in the month.
Howard and Ed also talked about Arsenio Hall and the new ''Star Search.'' Ed said he's happy and proud that they have brought back the show after 12 years being off the air. He said he's cool with it and isn't angry that they didn't use him. He said he understands that they want to give it a new look and not have it look like it did back then. He talked about how they think about skuing the audience young and all of that.
Ed ended up talking about these reality TV shows these days and how awful it is that they're going to be doing the Beverly Hills thing with a redneck family.
Howard asked Ed about his young wife and how that's going. Ed said things are going well and they still have sex. Howard asked him if the sex was good and he confirmed it. Robin asked if Ed does it unassisted. Ed said ''Oh yeah, unassisted.'' Robin was wondering if he uses Viagra or anything like that. He said he doesn't need it when he has the wife he has. He also said that he doesn't have to pleasure himself at all because he's got someone there to pleasure him.
Howard said Ed will also be hosting the Miss Best Bet Pageant at the same time in Las Vegas. Ed told Howard about that and said it'll be for Best Bet magazine and the winner will be on the cover.
Howard took a call from a phony Rosie O'Donnell who thanked Ed for getting her started in show business. He didn't seem to know that she was a phony.
Howard gave Ed a plug for BestBetTV.com. Ed said you can find out about the magazine and about the million dollar BINGO game while you're on the site. He said everything is there.
Howard got off the phone with Ed and said he had a lot of other stuff to get to but he'd save it for tomorrow. He said he has to get to band rehearsal because they're going to be playing against Chris Jericho's band tomorrow.
Howard played tape of Roger Ebert talking about Michael Moore on The Tonight Show last night. He said that Moore was full of it when he said it was only 5 loud people booing him when he started to make his anti-war speech.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the U.S. is blocking TV signals over in Iraq. Howard and the guys were wondering about that earlier in the show. Howard also took a call from a woman who brought up the Iraqis who are cheering about our helicopter pilots being captured. Howard and the woman talked about that for a few seconds before Howard took a break.
Howard said that he was talking to Tom Chiusano about a movie that he liked and his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend is in it so it was kind of weird. Howard said Tom went and tried to get the guy on the show. Howard said he really doesn't want to have the guy on the show though because it would be weird. Howard said Tom is always selling him out that way. He had Robin do her news after that short discussion. During the news Howard was saying that the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino is planning on hooking him up with some great stuff for his room when they do the show April 22nd to the 24th. He was complaining about how hard it would be to be in the hotel with all of his fans there. He said they offered to put a pool table and just about anything else he wants in the suite.
Howard said he hasn't been rehearsing on the air lately because they were having trouble putting together a song. He said they've got it down now so they will do a dress rehearsal after a break. Artie asked if they could order some food so he can kill some time eating while they rehearse. Howard said that he can just sit there and listen. He said he hasn't been able to work Artie into the song.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard how he's going to fix the contest. Howard said he hasn't fixed one yet. The guy said he was just giving Howard a hard time.
King of all Blacks called in on a cordless phone and said he had a game to play. Howard didn't like the sound of the phone so he wanted him to get on a different one. He had Howard pick a number, multiply it by 2, add 5, multiply by 50... and a bunch of other crap which eventually led to an age. Howard and Artie ended up goofing on him for even bringing that up. Howard got off the phone a few seconds later and took another call.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he bought the Fozzy album ''Happenstance'' and actually went to Jericho and asked for his money back. Howard played a quick clip of one of their songs. He goofed on it a little bit before getting off the phone with him a short time after that. Howard took another call from a guy who also said he didn't like Fozzy. He said they were terrible. Howard said his own band is terrible too but they're better than Fozzy.
Another caller mentioned that Howard's friend Marco Battaglia is now on the Miami Dolphins. Howard knew that and said he's going to go to a game down in Miami sometime. Howard took a break a short time later.
After the break Howard wanted to rehearse their song but they weren't set up yet. Their backup singers were there and Fred's amps were humming. Howard introduced his backup singers Lynn Portis and Ryan Berkowitz. He also said that Stuttering John was playing bass, Scott the Engineer was on drums and Fred was playing guitar. Howard gave a shout out to Randy Cantor who helped them out a little bit with the song.
Howard walked over to the band and everyone started to play. There was no guitar or bass coming through the radio though. It was Howard's voice way off in the distance and Scott's drums full volume. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that they could only hear them through Artie's microphone. Howard said that's why they have a dress rehearsal because nothing ever works right. Howard said they might have to take a commercial break. Robin and Howard were talking to each other and it sounded like they were in an echo chamber. Scott told Howard they were all set but they weren't. Gary and Howard were trying to talk to each other but their microphone volumes were so low you could barely hear them. Howard said this is the last song they ever do as The Losers. He said he's going to kill himself after this. He said he's having a meltdown.
Once they fixed things they started over again. They had some background music playing that they played along to. They did a remake of Neil Young's ''Old Man'' which wasn't all that bad. It was finally coming through the radio too. Robin told them it was perfect when they were done. Artie gave a half hearted ''Yeah.'' after Robin said that. Robin said it sounded as good as it did yesterday. Howard took a call from Double A who said it still sounded muffled to him. Howard said there is an effect on his voice though so that might be the muffled part. He went on to take a couple more phone calls and people told him it sounded pretty good. Howard had tape of what they did yesterday after the show in rehearsal. He played that and it sounded pretty close to what they did on the air today. Howard took some more phone calls after that. Artie said he can't wait to hear the fist live part where no one could hear them. One woman said the good live version didn't sound as good as the taped version he had. She said it sounds like they're in a bathroom or something. Gary came in and said he thinks some people are still confusing the first try with the second, good try. Even Dominic Barbara called in and said the good version wasn't that crisp like the taped version was. Howard said he hopes they lose this time because it makes him crazy when he tries to do this stuff.
Robin thought that they never had trouble getting stuff on air before but Gary said they have. Gary said that Scott is the only one who knows why this doesn't work but he was no where to be found. Howard said he won't know until after they're done. Scott came in a short time later and said they didn't change anything. Scott said that the microphone that was left open was the first problem. He doesn't know why the second song didn't sound that great. Howard said he had to take another break after that. He said his therapist tells him he has to put his trust in other people but he has a hard time doing that with Scott. Howard took another call and the guy told him he thought they sounded good. Howard said all he's worried about is what the judges hear in the studio. Howard played the taped version of the song again and said that's the way it's supposed to sound. Gary asked Howard if his therapist has him doing some kind of exercise because he seems to be handling the pressure pretty well. Howard said he colors in a coloring book on the floor of his therapists office. Stuttering John asked a couple of questions and Howard ended up going off on him for some reason. He was saying something about John not being in rehearsal after the show yesterday and how they were able to get things done quicker without him there.
Robin noticed that Howard was dressed appropriately but Scott the Engineer was wearing his best t-shirt and jeans. Scott said he sits in the back so no one sees him back there anyway. Howard said he sticks out like a sore thumb back there. Howard thought John was dressed okay too. Gary said he thinks Chris Jericho will come in all dressed up with spikes and crap like that. John seems to think that will make them look better because they're more laid back. Howard went to break after that short discussion.
Howard took some phone calls from some people who enjoyed The Losers version of ''Old Man.'' He took a call from John Tita who works for Warner Bros. records. He told Howard they sounded much better the second time.
Howard said that he'll be dedicating his song to the guys who are over in Iraq fighting for the country. He said he just hopes they're okay. That led to Howard talking about the war and how the French now want to run in there and have their guys run the country. They also talked about the Germans and how they're taking French products off their shelves because of the way they're behaving.
Howard got back to The Losers and told Fred he did a great job playing guitar. Howard said John did a good job on bass also. Scott the Engineer came in and said that he compared the rehearsal from yesterday and the good one from today and they sounded the same to him. Howard wanted to hear the first rehearsal from today which was screwed up. Scott admitted that one was screwed up. Howard played the rehearsal from this morning and it sounded fine to him. Scott said it was recorded off a feed directly from the board though. Howard isn't sure how it sounds going out over the air.
Howard changed subjects and said people are still sending in song parodies about Scott the Engineer's gay-per-view where he was going to take anal. Scott backed out of that but the songs are still coming in. Howard played one called ''With Cheeks Wide Open.''
Howard said Wanda Sykes was on The Tonight Show and made some funny comments about Roman Polanski so Howard played tape of that. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the whole Roman Polanski thing. He said he was reading the transcripts of what he did to this 14 year old girl again. He was going to read it again but couldn't find the link. He eventually found it and read from the transcripts from the young girl's testimony. She talks about what Polanski did to her. Howard found this stuff on TheSmokingGun.com. He said you have to read it because it's disturbing that these people at the Academy Awards give him a standing ovation. Howard said Gary Garver went out and asked a bunch of celebrities if they'd work with Polanski and they all say yes.
Howard played tape of Gary Garver interviewing those celebrities. First up was Lou Ferrigno. Gary asked him what should be done with Saddam Hussein, if he hates the French, when the last time he got drunk was, is there anyone he'd have killed if no one would find out and some stuff about the Oscars. He then asked him if he'd work with a director who was a rapist. Lou said he wouldn't comment on that. Then Gary asked him if he'd work with Roman Polanski. He said ''Absolutely.''
Garver also got an interview with Karen Black who insisted that they change angles with the camera when they were shooting her. Howard played that quick clip and then played Gary's interview with Stefanie Powers. She's not a fan of Howard's. Garver asks questions about the war as he did with Lou Ferrigno. She didn't want to answer some of them and when asked about what she thought of Howard, she said she never thinks of him. The interview ended after that. Howard then played Garver's interview with Florence Henderson. He asked her the rapist question and said she'd work with a director who was a rapist if she had security around. He then asked her if she'd work with Roman Polanski. She said she probably would because ''most of us'' wouldn't care to have people scrutinizing their past. The guys talked about that for a couple of minutes and played Karen Black's thoughts on the same subject. She said she's work with him also.
Howard didn't know who this guy was but Garver got an interview with Michael T. Williamson. Garver asked him the same questions about Roman Polanski and he said that if the guy has paid his debt to society by going to jail, he'd work with someone like that. Howard said Polanski hasn't served any time though.
Howard said his Gary tried to call Calvin Klein yesterday after they read about his odd behavior at a Knicks game the other night. Howard said Gary called over and got Klein's assistant. He told the woman what he wanted to talk about. She didn't seem to know why he was calling and said he wasn't giving any statements. Howard said Klein doesn't dress all that well for a fashion designer. He and Robin talked about that for a few seconds.
Howard asked Robin if she watched ''American Idol'' last night. She said she's not watching it anymore. Howard said he wonders what happened to Olivia Newton-John's face. Gary said he thinks she must have had some bad plastic surgery or something. Howard talked about how hot the blond with the belly showing was. He and Gary talked about who they think will win for a short time. Howard also talked about the big fat black guy singing ''Sweet Home Alabama'' and how atrocious it was.
Howard said he got a call from his mother last night and ended up talking to her about the Celine Dion special that was on CBS last night. Howard spent some time talking about that special. He said that Justin Timberlake hosted the show. Howard said that kid can't figure out what he wants to be. He's with Britney Spears and then Celine Dion. Howard said he couldn't get off the Calvin Klein thing though. He wants to know what he said to Latrell Sprewell.
Howard was wondering what these dolphins are doing in the war. Robin told him that they're using them to find mines in the waters. Gary said they're using pigeons in the war to find chemical weapons and stuff like that. Gary told Howard that Chris Jericho was there with his band Fozzy. Howard said they're ready to take them on. He took a couple of phone calls before taking a break. Someone brought up how PETA has come out against the dolphins being used in the war. Howard ended up talking about how people eat dolphin. When he told Robin that Mahi Mahi is dolphin, she sounded surprised. Howard took a break after that discussion.
Howard returned from break playing the most recent voice mail that Jericho left for him. He then had them bring Chris in. Howard said he shook his hand when he came in. He also said he was sucking up to the judges when he came in. Jericho says that they go out touring and have quite a few fans that come to see them.
Howard said there are a lot of celebrities who think they are rock stars and The Losers actually beat them. Chris told Howard they put the band together just to have fun out there.
Howard introduced the judges in today's battle. He first introduced Ben Goldman from A&R records. He's the Senior VP of the company. He then introduced Matt Pollock who works at V2 Records. He's been in the business for 16 years. Howard then introduced Tom Calderon who works for MTV and MTV2 and has been in the business for about 15 years. They all had plugs for projects they're working on for their respective companies.
Howard talked to Chris for a short time and plugged his album ''Happenstance'' which is out now.
Howard said they were going to play first because he gets kind of tense when he has to perform. Howard went over to the microphone and had the guys set up. Howard dedicated the performance to the boys fighting overseas. The Losers then performed their version of Neil Young's ''Old Man.'' It sounded as good as their rehearsal did earlier in the morning. Howard's microphone was still very low though so when he told Jericho to go ahead and try to beat that, you could barely hear them.
Jericho asked Howard if he had fun doing that. Howard said he did have some fun up there. He told the judges to hold off on their reviews until after Fozzy performed. Jericho joked that he was going to leave right then with the blonde backup singer. Howard gave Chris some plugs for the WWE special he's in on Sunday night on pay-per-view. He also gave the judges a couple of plugs and then took a break before getting to the Fozzy performance.
After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he got goose bumps after hearing The Losers play. Howard took a few more phone calls from people who thought The Losers were great. Howard wondered where the name Fozzy came from so Chris explained that they used to be a cover band called Fozzy Osbourne and they ended up shortening it.
Howard gave the microphone over to Chris after the phone calls and had them perform. Chris also dedicated their song ''To Kill a Stranger'' to the troops over in Iraq. The music was actually pretty good.
After Fozzy's performance Howard and the rest of the studio applauded them. Howard then asked them if they were done with rehearsal and wanted to do it for real. He told them he was just kidding. He also told them that they were better than Corey Feldman's band already. They seemed to be happy with that comment.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls. The audience seemed to be split on how good Fozzy was. There were some positive comments thrown in there though.
Howard moved on to Ben Goldman to get his review of the two bands. Ben went ahead and said that it was difficult to judge because the songs were completely different. He said that if he was going to sign a band it would be the from man he'd be looking at and he'd have to go with The Losers. Up next was Matt Pollack. He said he didn't have good news for Howard. He said that he wasn't feelin' it with them. He said he likes Neil Young and all but not through Howard. He said he didn't have good news for Chris Jericho either. He said that he gained points because he was huge and could pummel him. He said he wasn't a big fan of the music but their performance pushed it over the edge for him but just a little bit. Howard said he was surprised at that review.
The final Judge, Tom Calderon, gave his review and said he had to agree with the other two judges. He said he found Jericho to be very theatrical but that's not where we are musically in the world at this time so The Losers were his choice. Howard sounded thrilled that he pulled it out again. He said Fozzy sounded great and they may have been one of the best bands to take them on. Chris was taking it hard according to what Howard could see. He said he turned red. Chris said he was trying to be cool and smile but it was tough.
Howard announced that this was The Losers final performance. He said it was such a hassle to do the song that he's decided to call it quits. Howard said he just can't take the pain in the ass that he had to go through to get the song right.
Jeff the Drunk called in and told Howard he did a great job. He also said some nice stuff to Artie before getting off the phone. Another caller told Howard he has to put out an album but Howard told him that's what they're trying to stop. They don't want anymore celebrity albums coming out. Howard wrapped up the segment and gave plugs for everyone who was there.
Howard said he really hates getting in front of people and performing like that. He said he doesn't like to be judged in front of people doing something he's not good at. He said he tried to pick a song that he could give something to. Artie asked Howard if he ever did Karaoke at a bar anywhere in his life. Howard said he never has so Artie talked about how nerve wracking it is up there. Howard joked that he saw Chris Jericho beating up the rest of his band in the green room during the break. He said he got into his wrestling outfit and beat the crap out of them.
This guy called in and mentioned Ol' Dirty Bastard's name like he'd done earlier in the show. He claimed that he was going to get a lap dance from Lil' Kim if he mentioned his name a bunch of times today. Howard didn't know what he was talking about and hung up on him. Another woman called in and asked Howard if he had a horn section in the band or was it just his nose. A few other callers said a few things about the song. Joey Boots called in and asked Howard if they'd perform it one last time in Las Vegas when they're out there at the end of April. Howard said he's not sure if they're going to do anything like that out there. Joey said he wants to bring his boyfriend High Pitch Erik out there with him so he asked Howard if he had any trips to give away. Howard said he didn't have any yet.
A few minutes later he said Andrea Ownbey, Miss Howard Stern, wanted to come in to promote a few things. She won the title of Miss Howard Stern 2 years ago out in Las Vegas and she's been representing the show ever since. Robin said it looks like she even has a tough time walking. Howard said she walks a little bit like Morticia Addams from the ''Addams Family.'' Artie said she walks very ''very dainty.'' When she spoke her first words everyone remembered how cute and funny her voice is. She claims that she just turned 20 years old on February 28th. She said it was awful because she just stayed home and cried. She said she feels that she's too old and things are over for her. Howard said he feels that 20 is very young to him. He and Robin asked her what the problem was. She said she hasn't done anything with her life yet and she's thinking she needs to do something. Howard agreed and said she really should. Howard asked her why she's not stripping at this point. She said she lives at home with her Dad and doesn't want to strip.
Howard and the guys asked her some questions about current events to see how smart she is. She was able to tell them that we're at war with Iraq and she knew the key city over there, Baghdad. Artie asked her if she ever finished her typing class. She said she did but her advisor guy told her she had to do her 11th and 12th grade P.E. classes. Gary noticed that she was talking kind of strangely so they asked her about that. She said she's forgotten to wear her retainer lately. Gary said she was out talking to Chris Jericho during the break and she was telling him that she wants to change her voice. Jericho told her to give him an idea of how it would change. Gary told her to do it for Howard so she spoke a little bit saying that she wanted to sound more mature. Howard asked her to do it for him but she'd just done it. It wasn't any different. Howard asked her to say ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.'' She did that but it was exactly the same thing. Howard told her he finds her voice cute. He said it wouldn't be cute on any chick that's not as hot as her though. Howard described her voice as a baby voice with a lisp. Howard asked her to say ''Daddy's girl's been a bad girl.'' in that voice. Artie seemed to enjoy that quite a bit.
Andrea told Howard she wants to be an actress. Gary asked her if she gets offers to do other jobs like getting nude and stuff like that. She said she hasn't been offered anything like that but people who go on her web site tell her they'd pay for nude pictures and video. She said the web site she had was a nightmare. She told Howard she hooked up with these guys who just took her picture and linked it to a bunch of porn sites and stuff. She wanted to have the best web site she could get and these guys just made a mess of it. She said they were making a ton of money off her too.
Gary offered to give her some money to get naked but she has money. KC said that she has a bunch of cars and she's able to pay her bills. She said that she has guys who will pay her bills for her. She said she's got guys like 50 and 40 years old who just pay for this stuff. She claims that she tells the guys she doesn't like them that way and they still pay for the stuff. She said they'll ask her to be their girlfriend but she says ''no.'' She said she might kiss them on the cheek or something but that's it.
Andrea is promoting ''Stock Car Fans Out of Control'' which is a DVD where she goes around talking to a bunch of ''rednecks'' about NASCAR racing. She said she went to three different tracks and interviewed people. That video is available at StockCarVideos.com.
Howard asked Andrea if there are any guys she's banging right now. She said she hasn't had sex since she broke up with her boyfriend a while ago. She said he went away to college and she hasn't had sex since. Howard found out that Andrea is the mother of a 3 year old girl. She said that the baby is with her father when she's not around and with her aunt and other family members at other times. Andrea said she stays with the baby when she's home.
Howard had a citizenship test that has basic questions about the country. He wanted to see if Andrea could answer them all. Here are the questions and her answers:
Howard reminded her that she represents the Howard Stern Show so she can't gain too much weight. She said that she has been walking the streets at night to exercise. Howard wondered why she's doing that because that's probably how she got pregnant. He asked her why she didn't use birth control when she got pregnant. She said she did have protection but it didn't work. She said the guy had a condom on and she was really surprised when she got pregnant. She said she got really depressed when she got pregnant because she didn't want to get fat. She said she lucked out and didn't get any stretch marks though.
Howard once again reminded Andrea that she is the queen of the show. She is welcome on the show anytime always and forever. She asked Howard if she could come to Las Vegas. Howard quickly said ''Absolutely not!'' but he was just joking around. Howard said he heard that she had some fun with some of the E! guys last year. She said she didn't do anything though. She said that she just flirts with guys and doesn't have sex because she thinks no guys are good enough for her. She had one more question for Howard before he ended the interview. She said that when she was hosting that Stock Car video thing she thought that she could make her own DVD. She would like to do a sexy, funny video. Howard told her when she does that she can come back and promote it there. Howard wrapped up the interview after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who hadn't heard how the Battle of the Bands went yesterday. Howard told him they won but only by one vote. The guy said he thought they needed Artie in there with them but Howard didn't agree. He played audio of their rehearsal from the day before so the guy could hear it again. The guy said it sounded pretty good except for the vocals. He said he was kidding about that though. Howard told the guy he never claimed that he was good. Robin reminded him that he said he'd said he was excellent yesterday. The caller got off that subject and started talking about how Howard shows up for every show even when he's sick.
Howard started to freak out when his list of phone callers wasn't visible on his computer screen. He eventually saw the calls and took another one. The caller said that someone added six years to his age when it was reported recently. He said he was really bummed out when he saw that. Artie said no one will believe him when he tells them his real age now. Howard said his computer was making him sick because he could see everything that Stuttering John was typing in as he was screening the phone calls. Howard said his system is really crappy and he doesn't understand why he has to watch him type. That led to Howard complaining about Stuttering John and his off air discussions. He said that John calls him off the air sometimes and annoys him. On Monday John called and left messages asking Howard to call him right back. Howard called him and got his answering machine that had an old message on it and said it was full. Howard said he got aggravated and didn't bother to try tracking him down. He said his assistant Laura got a call from John so she called Howard and said that John was complaining that Howard wasn't returning his calls. Howard called the number he left and it was wrong. He said he was going berserk with that and said John has no idea what he's dealing with in his life and he doesn't need his calls. Howard got another number from Gary for him and tried calling that one. Howard said John is a lot like Jackie the Joke Man was when he was still on the show. Both of them had a lot of numbers and they called him with nonsense off the air.
Howard said he got John's wife Suzanna on the phone and didn't even say hello to her. He just asked her if she knew what was going on. He suggested that John talk to Gary about whatever it is that he was calling about. Howard told Suzanna to tell John to call him because he was about to go out with his kids. He later got a message from John in which he said he needs to talk to him about something in person. He said it would only take 20 or 25 minutes. Howard said the answer is probably going to be ''no'' to whatever it is. He said he was yelling at John's message when he got it. Howard said that CNN can explain the Iraq war in 20 minutes and John needs 25 minutes to explain something to him.
Stuttering John came in and said the number he left for Howard was his Long Island number and he's never out there. Howard wanted him to talk about whatever it was he wanted to talk about. John said it's a personal thing that he doesn't want to talk about on the air. John told Howard this will not put him on the spot and he won't be asking for advice on whether or not to do something. Howard told him to go through Gary about whatever it is but John said things can get screwed up that way. John said it's something personal he wants to talk about with Howard. Howard wondered if he's wondering if he's really mad at him about the stuff he was complaining about earlier in the month. John said that's not it but Howard told him he's not mad at him anyway.
Gary said they all got into a discussion about their worst traumas as a child and after John and Gary told their stories, Fred said ''I've got you beat.'' and walked out of the room. Everyone agrees that Robin probably has them all beat though. Howard said he bets John has had a tough life but he doesn't want to be the guy who gives him therapy.
Robin ended up telling a story about John. He told Robin she was driving him home one day. They got in the car to leave and John forgot his bag of stuff up in the office. He didn't run to get it, he just sat there. They drove to the apartment and he asked Robin if she wanted to see his apartment. She said she'd go but when they got to the door, it was locked and he didn't have his keys. Robin said they started ringing bells and stuff to get into the building. They got inside but the elevator needed a key too. He didn't have it because it was in the bag at the station. John is on the tenth floor so they were going to walk up. The stairwell door had a lock on it also. John called around and found out his wife was getting her nails done. He called her there and eventually had Robin drive him down to get her keys. She said she finally got up to the apartment and got to see his view of the Empire State Building.
Artie had a story about John also. He said they were out in San Diego doing a comedy show. They all got paid in different checks. They were standing around talking and when John was leaving, Artie saw something on the floor. It was John's pay check. He almost lost the whole reason he was out in San Diego.
Howard told John that he really doesn't want to talk to him about whatever it is he wants to talk about. He said he's just not interested and suggested that he write a letter to his father instead.
Shuli called in with a story of his own about John. Howard said he really doesn't care about John's career and doesn't want to have a conversation about something like that with him. Howard said he knows it's going to be something about getting permission for something. He continued to talk about how all of John's numbers didn't work and stuff like that. He told John he's got a lot of people's problems in his life and he doesn't need to hear about his.
Shuli was wondering how messed up Fred's life was when he was a kid. Robin was wondering how much she's beating Fred by. Howard said it was by a finger referring to her father molesting her. Artie was messed up on drugs after his father was paralyzed. He said his childhood was fine. Artie started talking about that but Howard said he didn't want to talk about that anymore.
Shuli said he went out to dinner with comedian Jim Florentine (JimFlorentine.com) when he was out in Vegas recently. He said Jim's girlfriend and a stripper were messing around at dinner. He said Jim's girlfriend is really hot too and they were messing with the waiter at the restaurant. Howard had to take a break after he told that story.
Howard read some other e-mail about The Losers performance of ''Old Man'' on yesterday's show. He said some people don't find that Battle of the Bands thing entertaining at all. Someone said it really is time to end it with the whole Losers thing. Howard agrees and said yesterday that he doesn't want to perform anymore.
Howard said everyone loved Miss Howard Stern yesterday. He said a lot of people asked him about her yesterday and wondered if she's retarded or something. Howard said if an 80 IQ is retarded then she may be. Howard said someone wrote in and told them to put her on the payroll because they can listen to her all day. Howard said not everyone loved her though. He read a couple of negative comments about her too.
There were e-mails about the Roman Polanski stuff Howard was talking about on the show yesterday. They wanted him to give out the link to the transcripts that he was reading from yesterday (TheSmokingGun.com).
Howard said that Lenny Kravitz has put together a song called ''We Want Peace'' with a couple of musicians who are Iraqi and Palestinian. Howard wondered where the Jew is and figured it must be Lenny. Howard said he's shocked that there's a popular Iraqi music star. He said he didn't even know there was music over there at all. He said he was going to play the song but played a few seconds of The Losers' ''Old Man.'' He then played Lenny's song. Howard said it sounded a lot like Lenny Kravitz music and wondered what the Iraqi guy does in the song. At one point one of the guys starts moaning in the background. Robin said she thought he was having anal or something. Howard said it was awful. Gary came in and said the song is available at RockTheVote.org for free. Robin wondered if he really wants peace if he doesn't give the song his best effort. A woman called in a short time later and said TheSmokingGun.com says that Lenny hasn't voted in 15 or 20 years and yet he's got this stuff on RockTheVote.org. Howard thought that was an interesting piece of information.
Crazy Cabbie called in and asked Howard about these artists who are putting out anti-war songs haven't had hits in the past 10 years or so. Howard said that Lenny has had a couple of hits over the past couple of years. They tried to figure out which songs those were but Cabbie was arguing over them all. He also complained about Sheryl Crow for a few seconds.
Gary asked Cabbie about the web site he was promoting that Tom got upset about. Cabbie said his site had to be taken down and after it was taken down, Tom asked him if his company wanted to sponsor the fight out in Las Vegas when they're out there. The guys thought that was pretty funny. Cabbie said the betting site is still up, it's just got nothing to do with him anymore. It's at BetUs.com.
Tom came in a short time later and said that after Cabbie agreed that the site had to come down, he said he didn't have a problem with the company and asked if they'd be interested in sponsoring that fight. At the time they didn't have a sponsor set but now they do because GoldenPalace.com will be covering it. Howard thought that description was exactly what Cabbie said. Tom said it was just the way it was described that he didn't agree with. Howard spent a few seconds with Tom before sending him off.
Howard said tomorrow they have Robert Duvall and Chris Rock coming on the show. Artie thought that sounded pretty great. Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel dreams about having guests like that. Howard and the guys spent some time talking about how great Chris Rock is and how the last time he was on the show, Nicolas Cage barged in and interrupted his interview. Howard said he doesn't want that happening again though. He played some clips of Rock's stand-up routine. He did some material about how black people will start bad mouthing whites when they walk away but then turn around and be nice to them again when they come back. Howard had some other clips of Rock's stuff that they played. Howard said he hopes the movie Chris is coming in to promote is good because some of the stuff he's done lately hasn't been that great. He and Robin talked about that for a short time. Rock is apparently the director, producer and star of the movie. Howard went on to play another clip of Rock talking about how ''...books are like Kryptonite to a nig*er.'' That led to Howard talking about his days in Roosevelt High School and how they were still reading ''Itsy Bitsy'' in class. He talked about getting his pants taken and beaten up back then. He said they'd literally unbutton his pants and try to take them. He wasn't sure if they were trying to humiliate him or actually wanted his pants because they were nicer than theirs. Howard said he was even told by someone that he wouldn't live past his 15th birthday one time. He said the whole thing was crazy and he can't believe that was his life.
Howard said he'd be receiving an award after the commercial break. He said he might give an anti-war speech during that. He said he's no anti-war but he'd do it just because that's what celebrities seem to do at award shows these days.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk and Robin said she got a preview of E!'s ''Howard Stern's Jerkoff'' special and it was great. She said Jeff is part of that and Benjy has a pretty big part in it. Jeff was calling in to promote his web site JeffTheDrunk.com. Howard let him do that and got off the phone after that.
Another listener called in and said that Stuttering John sucks as a phone screener. He said he asks people if they're telling the truth. Howard said you don't have to lie to get through. He claims that they have to make sure people are going to be there when he picks up.
Another listener called in and brought up the fact that they found a mural of the World Trade Center disaster in Saddam Hussein's military planning center. Howard and Artie went off on the celebrities out there who still think we shouldn't be at war with Hussein.
Howard introduced Chad Turner and Amy Rocco who were there to announce the winners of their Hartford Advocate's Reader's Choice awards. Howard said they were there last year around the same time. Howard said that Amy has a nice body and said he'd like to see that ass. Howard asked her a couple of questions and said he'd bang her. She is the promotions director at WCCC in Hartford. She said she's also on the air. Howard asked her what she thinks about the war but she said she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about that on the air.
Howard received his award from Chad who was there from the Hartford Advocate. He has won the award a few times now. Chad said they did a story about Howard's show in the paper. You can check out the paper at HartfordAdvocate.com. Howard got back to Amy and read the article about the show real quick. Howard thanked Chad for coming in to present the award again. Gary said that the two of them share a limo down every year and go back home together. Howard said he'd be diddling her if he was in that cab with her. Howard and Gary were telling Amy how hot she looked today. Gary wondered what kind of hair cut she's got going on down below. She didn't want to talk about that stuff though. Howard was goofing on her hippie-like personality. He was making up his own lines about what she might do on her radio shift today. She said she'd be playing stuff like Metallica on her shift but Howard was bringing up much more obscure artists. Amy said she's know as WCCC's Tree Hugger. Howard continued to goof on her monotone delivery for a couple of minutes. She claims that she has nodules on her voice box.
Howard asked her to show him her belly. She did that and the guys wanted to know more about the tattoos she has. She said that they have personal meanings to her. They have something to do with her brothers. They aren't around anymore which bummed Howard out. He told her she should have said they're still alive.
Howard said the Hartford Advocate is a free paper but it's not bad. Chad said they make money from advertising. Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if he could get a date with Amy the hippie chick. She said she has a boyfriend though. Another caller said that Amy is being too nice this morning. She usually goes off on guys who give her a hard time. She said she didn't know what he was talking about though. Howard asked Chad if he ever put the moves on her in the back of the limo. Chad said he's married but Howard didn't seem to think that mattered much.
A listener called in and said he'd like to use Amy's tattoos for target practice. He used the term ''Man Spackle'' when he was describing what he wanted to do. Artie made a joke about how he'd like to ''Come between her brothers'' referring to the tattoos on her. Howard said something like ''Nothing comes between my brothers.''
Howard took another call from a guy who said he likes Italians and would like to bang this chick. Howard and Artie continued to goof on her delivery. Howard wondered if she yells when she gets all fired up. Gary joked that when she says ''Hey, hey'' at a normal volume she's all fired up. Howard wanted to hear Amy talk up a Van Halen song. She did it no problem but Howard continued to have fun goofing on her. He wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said he had breaking news. Howard wondered if he was going to tell him he wasn't going to bother him for the rest of his life. No such luck. Melrose told Howard that ''Are You Hot?'' has been canceled. Howard said he wasn't sure if he was happy or sad because they already ruined his idea. He said either way he's screwed.
Stephen Baldwin called in to talk about Sofia Vergara. He tried to explain to Howard who she was. He had a lot of ''She was the girl who dated the guy who dated someone...''
Howard had to interrupt that conversation to talk about Stump the Booey. He said they have a problem with it. This guy Dale was supposed to bring his hot nympho cousin in with him but he pulled a bait and switch on them. He was supposed to have a 27 year old with him and he brought someone else with him instead. Gary said that everything was set yesterday around 4pm and everything was set. This woman Abby was a backup and the other girl was upset that Abby was going along or something like that. Howard said Abby had some nice cans so he might want to see them. Howard talked to the guy and everything sounded fishy to them. KC told Howard they should let him play.
Howard said the girl probably isn't even his cousin. He read his letter and it sounded like she was going to come. Gary said that Dale knew this other girl wasn't coming this morning and he's lying about this stuff. Howard asked him what he does for a living and before he could answer Howard said he must be in sales. He was right. Dale said he was in sales with Cingular Wireless but they closed up the shop.
Howard asked Abby about her 40DD breasts and found out that she's a stripper. The guys said Dale is just full of it with this crap. Artie said he's never been that insulted in his life. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said the guy is friends with High Pitch Erik and he showed up with video cameras to shoot the show while he was there. Gary told the guy they have a stack of letters from people who want to play this game and they picked him because of the chick he'd promised. Howard told Dale to come back when he has his cousin with him. Dale couldn't believe he didn't get to play. He then blamed Will for what happened. He said Will called Stacy and told her about the other woman who was coming in and that's what spoiled it. Dale said he thought Abby was hotter but they didn't want hotter, they wanted his nympho cousin. Gary said they had twin sisters lined up for the game and they blew them off to have him in with his cousin. Will came in a short time later and said he spoke to Dale and it sounded like everything was set. Dale said that Stacy is mad at Will because of what happened. Gary told the guy to just admit he was wrong and not blame Will, who does his job right, for something he screwed up himself. Howard said Stacy probably isn't even his cousin and maybe doesn't even exist. Dale said he was there to play the game and he had a woman there to get naked and that's all they asked for. Howard and the guys said that wasn't the reason they had him in. They wanted his nympho cousin. Howard wanted him out of there but was willing to let Abby plug something. She just said she used to dance in Brooklyn and Queens. She didn't have any specific plugs. Dale was kicked out a short time later and he was still arguing as he left.
Howard said the money for Stump the Booey was going to be courtesy of Bally Total Fitness. Howard moved on and reminded everyone that Robert Duvall and Chris Rock will be on the show tomorrow. He also said they have Lisa Marie Presley, Sandy Taylor, Eddie Griffin and Evil David Letterman coming in next week. Howard said he heard that Bill Cosby was the worst guest host for David Letterman while he's out sick. He read an article that Adam Buckman wrote about it. Howard said they should have called him to do the show. He said he's not sure he'd do it though. Howard said he'd have a lot of hot chicks on the show with him. Howard imagined what it would be like if he had someone like O.J. Simpson as a guest. He did that for a few seconds before getting to the Top 5 songs.
Howard said a friend of theirs made it into the top 5 songs this week. He said he's known this guy for years.. High Pitch and ''High Pitch Gonna Knock You Out.'' He said it's actually Kid Rock and his song with Sheryl Crow. Howard played the rest of the top 5 which included a bunch of song parodies as well as the real top 5. After playing a clip of J-Lo's song Artie said that was the worst song he's ever heard. He said it was just awful. Howard played another song by R. Kelly where he says ''Let me stick my key in your ignition'' and Robin thought that was one of the goof songs. 50 Cent was in the top 5 and Robin started dancing along when he played a clip. Howard ended up talking about lyrics to songs and how he doesn't understand them. He said he sang that Neil Young song ''Old Man'' and rehearsed it a bunch of times and still doesn't understand what it's about. He read the lyrics again and tried to figure them out. Robin had her thoughts on that song and she seemed to get it a little more that Howard did.
After Captain Janks was done Henry Hill called in so Howard talked about all of the people he's killed over the years. Robin said Henry lives under his own name these days. He's no longer in hiding. Henry said he's at a Starbucks store in Los Angeles. He said he's there doing a fund raiser for a burn foundation. Robin wondered if he's running a scam. Howard said he's probably going to keep the money for himself. Howard wondered if he's trying to do good things to get into heaven or something. Howard said he bets Henry could talk his way into Heaven if there is such a thing. Henry said he was on Robinson and Venice out there in L.A. He said he's not worried about anyone killing him there because he's got a lot of firemen with axes there.
Howard took some phone calls for Henry after that. One guy said it must suck trying to sleep with one eye open all of these years. Henry said he doesn't have to do that these days. The caller asked Henry about something in the movie ''Goodfellas.'' Henry told the guy everything in the movie was true and he's started to write the book so they can do a sequel. Howard let a couple more callers talk to Henry. Artie said he bets he knows how this new book of his ends... He gets killed at a Starbucks in L.A.
Henry says his daughter is getting married to a ''nice Jewish boy'' and he's very happy about that. Howard was amazed that the Mob lets Henry live after all he did to screw them. Henry said he did stuff right most of the time though.
Howard gave Henry a plug for the web site for this charity which is at AARBF.org. Henry said that Ray Liotta will be there at the Starbucks later today too. Howard took another call from this guy Paulie who wants to fight Henry out in Las Vegas. Howard said he'd see what he could do about that. He took a few more phone calls and let some people yell at Henry. Henry doesn't seem to mind it though. He just lets people go off on him. One guy mentioned Henry's cook book (The Wiseguy Cookbook: My Favorite Recipes from My Life As a Goodfella to Cooking on the Run) and how he loves it. Henry said he's got another book coming out next month called ''A Goodfella's Guide to New York....'' Henry was also claiming that he might have a recurring role in ''The Sopranos'' coming soon too. Howard said he's not sure he believes all of the stuff Henry tells him. He said he didn't believe that his cook book was coming out but it did. He got off the phone and took a break a short time later.
Comedian Jim Florentine (JimFlorentine.com) came in to hang out during the news this morning. Howard said Jimmy will be at The Improv in West Palm Beach tonight through Sunday night. He's also in The Nasty Show at Carolines on Broadway April 11th and 12th. Jim is also featured on the Comedy Central show ''Crank Yankers'' every Tuesday night at 10:00pm.
Howard said he loves the Terrorizing Telemarketers calls he does because he gets calls almost every day and tells them he doesn't want them calling anymore. Jim told Howard to give them his number and he'll goof on them.
Howard brought up the story about Jim being out in Vegas with a hot blond and his girlfriend. Artie knew who the hot blond was and said she's like a 9. Artie said Jim's girlfriend is a 9 also so he's hanging out with an 18. Jim said the other girl asked Jim's girl if she could make out with Jim. His girlfriend doesn't mind so Jim got to make out with her for about a minute. He also said the two girls walked in on him in the bathroom while he was taking a shower and he doesn't pack much so they saw him packin' about a quarter of an inch. He figures the girl saw that and didn't want to bang him.
A short time later comedian Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) called in and said he has some disturbing stories about Jim. The two of them used to do shows on the road together and they'd get chicks to bang. He said that they used to break all of the furniture in the room and throw it out on the balcony. That way when they had girls in the room, the only place they could sit was on the bed. They could get the chicks quicker that way. Bob said Jim would yank the girls on to the bed too which was kind of creepy. Bob told Howard they used to do girls in the room at the same time so he was saw Jim doing this girl from behind one time and he was waving his hand like there was a stink back there. Jim took his t-shirt and covered his nose and face with it. Bob said he looked like Billy the Kid robbing a bank when he did that. Bob said Jim reached over and grabbed a can of Pledge that was on the table and started to spray it. He said Jim was making noise so she couldn't hear the spraying.
Howard seemed surprised to hear that Jim and Bob shared chicks. Jim said they didn't do them at the same time. Sometimes Jim would get them first, sometimes Bob would. Jim said this was when he was first starting out so his stand-up act wasn't all that great. Bob was the big headliner though. Jim said he was the one who could get the chicks so they'd bring them back to their room. Bob would tell the girls that Jim's act was horrible to get the girls. Howard thanked Bob for the call and started the news. Shuli called in a short time later because he was the one who brought up the story about Jim and this hot blond. He asked Jim if he got anything off that chick. Jim said nothing happened. Shuli told Howard that this chick was ''so smokin' hot'' that he wouldn't believe it. Shuli also said they were in this really fancy restaurant and the two girls were talking about their ''shaving situation'' down below. He said they were talking about it so everyone around them could hear it too.
Howard got back to the news for a short time but then asked Jim about his girlfriend always carrying stuffed animals with her everywhere. Jim said she doesn't want to have kids so she carries some stuffed animals with her instead. He said one time they were going through the airport and she stuffed one of them in his hooded sweatshirt as a joke. Security saw it and didn't know what it was doing there so they were going to cut it open. Jim said his girlfriend started screaming that it was her baby and didn't want it cut open. Stuttering John came in and said she once got up on a bar they were at and started putting cigarettes in her private area and then gave them out to people to smoke. Jim said he told her she should stop doing that because he doesn't want her to give her vagina cancer. Jim stuck around to comment on the news after that.
Howard said he has a lot of stories to tell this morning including some about Artie. He said that Artie was walking around the station yesterday telling Gary to bet all of this money he was given to bet form Cabbie's web site on one game. He said once you win you bet all the winnings on another game. The money wasn't Gary's to begin with so Artie sees it as money he wouldn't have had to begin with. Artie gave Gary a bet that he couldn't miss with for a March Madness game. It turned out he wouldn't have won. Artie said he didn't bet on the game himself. He said he's got another great bet for tonight. He said Syracuse is giving 5 to Auburn so he's probably going to bet that game tonight. He told Gary he should bet the whole $1000 on that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching the news last night and Iraq is now saying that the United States is saying that they're part of an ''Axis of Evil'' but we are one also. We're in with England and Israel. Howard said it doesn't matter what they're saying over there though. Saddam Hussein will be dead soon anyway. Howard said the military over there are shooting their own people who want to flee the country. That's how messed up it is. Howard talked about some of the other stuff that's going on over there. He said that they've discovered a huge Al Queada presence in Iraq so us being over there does have something to do with the 9/11 attacks. They're also finding evidence that there is some kind of chemical weapons over there.
Howard said there were some people who were going to protest the war yesterday. Howard knows an undercover cop who saw a real heavy duty biker guy get off his bike, put the kickstand down and punch out one of the protesters. The cops had to arrest him for that. Howard seemed to find that pretty funny. He said it was wrong though. Gary said these people protesting the war are thinking that we should just sit around and wait instead of doing something about these terrorists. He said it's like waiting around for another 9/11. Howard took some more phone calls after that. One guy said there are terrorist camps over in Iraq where they actually teach guys how to hijack a plane without a weapon and stuff like that. Howard brought up some of the other horrible things that they do over in Iraq and how we really do have to take care of this stuff. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said a 19 year old woman stopped by to ask for breast implants but she wasn't scheduled. Sarah's been listening to the show since she was 11 years old. When she came in Howard said that she's really cute. He asked her about listening to the show since she was 11 and asked to see what was going on with her chest. Sarah showed him what she looked like and he sounded impressed with her body. Howard told her she looks really young. He went on to ask her about whether or not she has a boyfriend and stuff like that. Sarah told Howard that she wants the implants so she can be a stripper. Howard and Robin both talked about her body and how great it was. Howard found out her father left her when she was like 8 years old. She said she knows him and saw him a few months ago but he doesn't call or anything. Sarah said she ran into her father accidentally at some function she was at and he didn't even recognize her. Sarah said her mother had to tell him who she was. Artie did an impression of what her father might sound like and goofed on the guy for a couple of minutes.
Howard had her take her jacket off so he could see more of what's going on there. Robin said she's in proportion and doesn't need anything done to her chest. Howard said she had a lot of tattoos and strip clubs don't like that. He told her she's got to stop with that stuff. Some of the tattoos on her back looked like Ivy vines to Artie. Howard told her not to go too big with the breasts if she does get implants. Sarah said she doesn't want to go too big because she doesn't want to look phony. Howard wanted to bring her along with them to Vegas but she wouldn't be able to gamble. They asked her if ther mother would come out and gamble for her. She said her mother is going out there so that might happen.
Gary and Howard seem to think that she's heading down a road that will lead to her eventually giving guys hand jobs and maybe prostitution. The guys also said that once she starts staying up to all hours of the night she's going to lose that fresh face she's got now. Howard said by the time she's 30 she'll look like Charles Bronson. Howard said he knows some strippers who have gotten out of that line of work and they're used goods by then. They all have ''busted faces'' too. Sarah had a friend with her too so Howard asked if they're lesbian lovers. She said they're not but Howard said she'll probably end up going that direction too.
Howard wondered how she looks in a bikini. She said she doesn't look that good because she doesn't have any boobs. Howard told Gary to hook her up with a bikini so they could check her out. Sarah picked one out and went to the bathroom to change. Melissa said she doesn't think that Sarah should get implants because she doesn't really need them. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Melissa as Sarah was changing. She wasn't able to tie her top so Gary had to help her out. When she came out they said she really doesn't have anything there. Howard said she looked like a 9 year old. He told her she could easily pass for 14 years old. Gary said she could pose for those magazines like Barely Legal because she looks so young. Howard said she really would need implants if she wanted to be a stripper. Howard said they may have to come out to Vegas to play for implants. Howard said maybe they'll give her $5000 to bet on a hand of Blackjack. She was worried about what would happen if she doesn't win. Howard told her she's screwed if that happens. Howard took a break shortly after telling Sarah she was invited to Las Vegas to try and win the breast implants.
Howard said he was going to do the Gossip Game early today. He had Taryn Manning from the band Boomkat in to play. Boomkat's album ''Boomkatalog One'' will be released on April 8th. Howard said Taryn was really cute. Taryn told Howard that he's really hot so he wondered if she was high or something. She said she wasn't. Howard said she was wearing a mini skirt and a cut top that was cute according to him. Howard said she's been in some movies too. He and Taryn talked about the movies she's been in. She's got an album coming out in early April. Howard asked her if she has to wear panties when she wears a short skirt like she was wearing. She said she does have to do that.
Taryn said she was a little hung over this morning. She told Howard she was drinking Greyhounds last night. Howard asked her what that drink was. She said it's Vodka and grapefruit juice. He said that's the same thing he drinks but he doesn't call it a Greyhound. He went on to ask her who she was with last night. She spent a minute talking about that before Howard moved on to talk about her movie career. She was in the movie ''Crossroads'' with Britney Spears and at one point, they both flashed the camera their boobs but the scene was cut. She said it was a great scene too. Howard was admiring her real boobs as she was talking about that scene. Taryn said she saw Britney's boobs when they did that scene and she seems to think hers are real. She said they're too saggy to be fake. Howard said he didn't even hear what she was saying because he was admiring her from across the room. Artie ended up asking Taryn if she got to see Britney's huge bush. They told her what Fred Durst said about that. Taryn said at one point Britney was wearing some low pants and there were some hairs sticking out. She told Howard that she thinks a woman should have some hair down there. Howard said if she was his girlfriend, he'd shave her down bald himself.
Howard asked Taryn about hanging out with Britney. She said she has gotten drunk with her but nothing else. Taryn said she has tried lesbian stuff herself a couple of times. Howard said he could tell just by looking at her that she's a player.
Howard said she was also in ''8 Mile'' with Eminem and played an ex-girlfriend. Howard read some stuff that she's said about Eminem and his relationship with Brittany Murphy. She said that she never banged him but is friendly with him.
Howard said Taryn will be in the movie ''Cold Mountain'' soon. She has also worked with a bunch of other big celebrities that Howard asked her about. She talked about Lara Flynn Boyle and how thin she is. She said that she really does eat though.
Howard played a little bit of Taryn's album before getting to the Gossip Game. She raps a bit in the song Howard played. Gary also came in and said that there are some interesting things about her that he should know. He said that Taryn doesn't like guys with uncircumcised penises. She said one time she encountered that and said she was too tired and didn't want to deal with it. Howard asked her how many guys she's been with . She said that she could count them on two hands. Gary said she was also thrown out of a club after doing some whip-its. She said it's like a Hippie's version of crack.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone and asked him if he had anything on her. Mike brought up the fact that David E. Kelly created a whole episode of ''Boston Public'' around her band's music. After that Howard moved on to the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said he figured Chris had to have banged at least one of the chicks in the movie. Howard wanted to hook him up to a lie detector but Chris said he's not doing that and started laughing.
Howard wondered if Chris is going to start using fatherhood material in his act now that he's got a kid. Chris said he's not going to do that. He's going to leave that out of the act. Fred was playing a buzzer sound effect as it if was a lie detector test while Howard was interviewing him. When he'd tell Howard something about changing diapers, Fred would play the buzzer sound. Chris seemed to find that pretty funny.
Howard asked Chris about this movie of his. He asked him about the food they had on set and stuff like that. Gary came in and said that Chris once said that when these black guys who hit it big in a movie are usually in it by accident. He said that they usually get parts after someone else has turned down the part.
Howard also wondered if Chris Rock and Chris Tucker are feuding. Chris said they're not feuding. Howard also read that the movie company has asked Chris not to badmouth President Bush during this time of war because they've put a lot of money into this movie. Chris said that's not true and he's goofed on every president because he's a comedian. Chris said he's no getting political right now but he's not avoiding talking about any of this stuff. Howard said this stuff was written by Matt Drudge on the DrudgeReport web site. It also says that Chris threatned to put his foot up Drudge's ass if he ever sees him.
Howard asked Chris about his daughter for a few minutes. Chris said the goal when you have a daughter is to keep them off the stripper pole. If you've raised them and they don't go to the stripper pole, you've done your job.
Howard asked Chris if he's nervous about how this movie is going to do. Chris talked about who will call him over the weekend if the movie does well or if it does poorly. Howard said if this movie tanks, Rock is screwed. Chris said even if it doesn't do that well he'll be just fine. He said he's going to go back on the road to do his stand-up. Artie invited him to Bananas in Poughkeepsie tomorrow night. Rock said he's played that place before.
Howard brought up Bill Cosby and how horrible he was filling in for David Letterman the other night. Chris said he was offered the job too but he's been too busy to do it.
Howard and Chris talked about how they've hung out in the past. Howard said the last time he saw Chris was at a Knicks game and they were trying to avoid Robert Wuhl. Howard said Chris sat next to him and said he was going to sit there otherwise Wuhl would want to sit next to him.
Howard brought up the Letterman thing again. Chris asked Howard why he hasn't hosted. Howard said it's because he's too strong of a host and he'd be remarkable at it. He seems to think they're afraid to have him host because he'd be too good. Chris said they asked him to do it but he was too busy. Plus, he did Leno one night and they asked him not to go on Letterman's show the next night.
Artie brought up Chris' last appearance when Nicolas Cage barged in during the middle of his interview. Chris said he didn't know what the hell was going on when he walked in that morning. He thought Cage was going to punch him or something.
Howard also wondered why Chris isn't hosting Saturday Night Live. Chris said it takes a full week to do that and he doesn't have the time to do it right now.
Gary said the Letterman people really did offer Chris the gig on Letterman but they'd also asked Bill Cosby and couldn't turn Cosby's acceptance down. Howard thought that was a big mistake.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered what Chris' beef is with Jimmy Kimmel. Chris said he doesn't have a beef with him. He apparently said something about Jimmy on Bill Maher's show. Chris explained that it was just a joke about Jimmy's show. He said they were talking about Affirmative Action and Chris said there's Affirmative Action for white people too and used Jimmy Kimmel as an example.
Howard took some other phone calls. Most of them were goofy callers so Chris said they have to show the phone call selection process on the E! show. Howard swore to Chris that they don't pick only negative calls for guests. He said that his policy is to put through anyone who wants to talk to Chris. He said a lot of people don't even tell them what they want to talk about though. One woman asked Chris about what he thinks about Dave Chappelle. Chris said he's very funny. She also asked him what he thinks of Robin. He said she's very funny too. One caller used the F-word so Howard got a little pissed. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Chris he's great and he needs to be funny in times like these. She also screeched out her support for Howard too before she got off the phone.
A woman called in and said she has worked with Chris on the movie and Chris is a great, funny guy. She said everything was great but the myth about black guys all being able to dance isn't true. She said Chris has two left feet and he had trouble doing the Electric Slide in one scene. Chris said they did take a couple of days to shoot that scene. King of all Blacks called in and told Chris how funny he is. Then he told him he makes the worst movies. King said that his hands are disturbing looking and that he should stick to stand-up comedy.
Howard started to wrap up the interview. He ended up talking about his ''Howard Stern's Jerkoff'' that airs on E! tonight. Chris said the funniest thing Beetlejuice ever did on the show. He said he hoped they'd have that in the special. Chris said he's probably going to get a bunch of phone calls from Beet's manager now that he's mentioned Beet's name. Howard wrapped up the interview after that.
Howard read a memo he got from the Hard Rock Hotel Casino asking him what he would like in his room to make it special for him. Howard said he was thinking of not staying there when they go out to Vegas because so many fans are there when he's there. Then they started asking him what they could do for him. Howard said it would be cool to have a pool table in the room but he probably wouldn't play. Howard asked Artie what would be cool in there. Artie thought the pool table would be cool but then Howard said Artie would come up and sit there saying nothing if they did that. Artie didn't know what he was talking about. He sadi he hung out with Howard playing Blackjack for 4 hours one day they were out in Vegas. He said he'd love to hang out with Howard out there. Howard asked him if he's bringing his girlfriend. Artie sadi seh'll be there. Howard figured Artie would be acting differently this time since he's been dating her so long now. Artie said he's still going to be drinking and gambling though.
Howard said Robert Duvall (Bobby D) was there so he wanted to read some notes on him before he came in. He quickly went through them. Gary came in and sadi that Duvall isn't a big fan of Michael Moore. He said Howard might want to ask him about that later. Howard said Duvall is one of the greatest living actors. He had a top five list of the greatest actors. That list included:
Duvall said he hung out wiht Howard one time at a pool and Howard was asking him if some chick was looking at him. Duvall said Howard was covering up when she was looking at him and stuff. Duvall brought up Howard's daughters and said he was going to try and get his oldest daughter. Robin said Howard could have Bobby D as a son-in-law. Howard was sighing in pain when he heard that. Howard ended up asking Duvall about the chicks he's banging these days. He talked about his young girlfriend for a short time.
Howard got back to the best actor ever list. Marlon Brando's name came up and Duvall said he's one of the best. Howard quickly moved on to ask Duvall about the war and what he thought of Michael Moore's speech at the Academy Awards. Duvall called him a jerk but didn't go off on him too long. Howard and Robert talked about the war a little bit. Duvall asked Howard about his young girlfriend. Howard turned it around and asked Duvall about his hot chick. He and Duvall also talked about the time they hung out together. Howard thanked Duvall for pretending to like him and let him hang out there. That led to them talking about this movie ''Assassination Tango'' that's coming out soon. Duvall is in the movie and loves the Tango dance.
Earlier in the morning Artie was preparing to do his Tourrettes stuff for Bobby D. He started asking Duvall some questions and started to do the grunts and stuff. Duvall thought he was Stuttering John or something. Artie asked him a few questions like that before Howard moved on to take some phone calls.
Howard took a call from a woman who wondered how Farrah Fawcett was to work with. Duvall didn't have anything bad to say about her. Howard took another call from a woman who told Duvall he's the best actor ever. A guy called in and said he couldn't believe he was talking to his two favorite guys, Howard and Robert Duvall. The guy said that he owns the Cape Cod radio station that Howard is on. He also said that he was bunk mates with Duvall in the army. He had some stories about him that weren't quite true. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy. A guy called in and said his mother used to date Duvall. He mentioned his mother's name and Duvall seemed to recognize her name.
Howard thanked Duvall for coming in and gave him another plug for his movie. He wrote and directed it so he spent a minute talking about that. Duvall kept bringing up Howard's daughters and how he's going to date them. Howard and Duvall talked about a couple of other things like ''Godfather 3'' and how he wasn't in it. Duvall said he saw number 3 and didn't laugh at it like Howard figured he would. Duvall said he thinks they're working on number 4 now too. ARtie was still throwing in an outburst here and there at this point. Howard and Duvall talked about a few more actors they like. Howard asked Duvall if he's seen his movie yet. Duvall said he's only seen clips so far. Howard wondered why he hasn't watched it yet. He didn't have a reason so Howard said he'd send him a copy if he'd agree to watch it. He said he'd do that for him. Howard told him he can come in anytime he wants to. Duvall ended up making a comment about how funny Howard would look flopping around on top of a girl. Robin asked him how old he is because he looks like he's in good shape. Duvall said he's 72 now. Gary came in a few seconds later and said Duvall had to go because he has a lot of other interviews lined up this morning. Howard then took a break and let Duvall go.
Howard moved on to take a phone call form a guy who wondered what was wrong with Artie this morning. Howard told the guy Artie was electrocuted and now he blurts out that stuff. Howard eventually filled the guy in on the goof.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that E! actually advertised his ''Howard Stern's Jerkoff'' thing last night. He hung up before Howard could ask him any other questions.
Howard said he left out a commercial during the last break so he had to play it. The commercial was for ''Sofa King'' and the announcer says stuff like their prices are ''Sofa King Low'' and ''Sofa King great'' and stuff like that. Howard thought it was pretty funny.
Howard brought up their Las Vegas trip again. Robin mentioned that there will be another drinking show and Artie went nuts. He's thrilled that they get to drink while doing the show.
Tom Chiusano came in and said one of their advertising reps said she didn't know they had Sofa King as a client. Tom was laughing as he told Howard about that.
Howard moved on to read some news stories to start Robin off. He took another phone call from a guy who said he saw some police activity on some of the other bridges in New York City. Howard figures they must be checking everything after those guys were caught. A few other callers brought up the story too. Robin tried to start her news without Fred playing her theme song. As soon as she started though, Fred threw in the ''How's Your News'' theme.
Sal the Stockbroker called in during the news and said he can't believe that Gary is giving his son cello lessons. Howard had an audio clip of a monkey screeching as a cello played that he threw in for the 30 second bit. Sal had some other jokes about Gary but Howard had to take a break so he hung up on him.