Howard took a few phone calls about this and people seem to be glad that this is finally going to be behind us. Scott said his son's school thing was really the topper to the whole thing. Howard said Scott is the worst story teller and he'll never tell a good story. Howard said Scott doesn't know what's funny about his life and just can't tell a story. He said he's the world's most boring guy. Scott finally broke down and started telling Howard some stories about calls he got. He said a guy from his bowling league called and asked him what he was doing and if he was out of his mind. Howard said it was like pulling teeth with him to get a story out of him. Howard said it must have been a good story but he's not talking. Howard and Robin figure it was Scott's wife Robin who called it off. Scott said that's not true though. Robin said that she and Fred figured out that there's something broken inside Scott. Howard said he really is a broken man. He talked to Scott about his wife for a short time too. He said Scott is the one making the money for the family so he suggested that he get his wife to go to work also.
A caller asked if Tom Chiusano finally got to Scott and that's why he's bailing out. Scott said Tom didn't get to him and he'd tell Howard if that were the case. Another listener asked if they could get Gary the Retard to do this instead of Scott. Howard said it's just not the same with a retarded guy. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Scott should be penalized for this because he got everyone revved up for the event and then backed out. Stuttering John came in and said he was really looking forward to the event. He said Scott knew this was going to happen from the beginning and should have stuck with it. Howard said John and Ronnie were right. He said he spoke to Scott last week to make sure he was going to go through with this. He said he was good even as late as last Friday. KC came in and said that Ronnie won't hang out with Scott anymore because he was going to do this anal sex thing. Gary said that Scott would have done this without any outside intervention. Ronnie said Scott's wife won't even go out with he and his wife anymore. Ronnie said he can't even go to a race track with Scott because people would kill them. Ronnie said he was upset that Scott was going to do it in the first place and then he was pissed that he backed out on it. Howard said he got weirded out when he saw Scott first thing this morning. He didn't even know that he was backing out at the time. He said it's just weird to see Scott after he agreed to do it. Howard said his agent had made calls to the pay-per-view people. They weren't too thrilled with the event and said they couldn't promote it because of the content. Howard said that wasn't really a problem for him though.
A listener said that he guesses that it's back to watching Artie race Howard's dog Bianca. Howard asked Scott if he had started preparing for this event by sticking stuff up his ass. Scott said he never made it that far. He bailed out before that.
Howard said he got more positive e-mail about that pay-per-view thing than anything else. He said people thought it was going to be the greatest event ever. Scott said that perhaps this shows that he's not gay like everyone was thinking after he agreed to it. Howard had to take a break after talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Howard's lawsuit against ABC's ''Are You Hot?'' TV show. Howard said he didn't think that it was going to be that big of a deal. Howard said he wasn't going to sue over stuff like this but it was such a blatant rip-off that he had to do something. He talked about what a good friend Scott Einziger was at one time and how he went and ripped him off. Howard said his agent told him that when some people go out to L.A. They lose all morality. Howard went on to talk about how he told Einziger about a lot of ideas he's had over the years. He said he was happy for him when he got the job out in L.A. To work on some other shows. Then he turned on him. Howard wondered why Scott never came to him with any ideas for his show. Howard said this whole thing really freaked him out and he didn't want to sue. He said this guy Mike Fleiss used to call him every week to get him to do a show with him but he never did. They then went out and did it on their own. Howard said the head of ABC programming, Lloyd Braun, used to be his lawyer. Howard said he spoke to Lloyd and he even agreed with Howard that it was a rip-off of his show and he seems to be on his side. Howard said Scott Einziger should have called him when he got slapped with the lawsuit to say that he'd be on his side in the whole thing. Howard said he had a deal with Showtime to do a similar show and when ''Are You Hot?'' came out, they dropped the idea. Howard said that they took Scott Einziger and even hired Jackie the Joke Man as a consultant. Howard just wants them to admit they stole the idea from his show but he knows it'll never happen. Howard heard that Scott hired Jackie because he was ''down on his luck'' at the time. Howard wondered how Jackie could be down on his luck. ''He owns five houses.'' Howard said. He went on to talk about how ''un-friggin-believeable'' the whole thing was. Artie said there are people who are upset that they didn't get to see Howard's version of the show. He said he spoke to one person who said they wanted to sue someone after hearing that Howard's show was canceled.
A listener called in and pointed out how Howard is the one always talking about how horrible lawyers are. Howard said he knows he's said that and he doesn't like suing people but this is something that has to be done. He said that there were confidentiality agreements signed and stuff like that so it really sucks. Howard said he knows that once you get close to someone, they'll burn you.
Howard asked Robin if she thought Scott was a reasonable guy. Robin said she didn't think he was a bad guy but she did question some of the stuff he did and some of the people he picked to be with in his life. Howard said he would have done anything for that guy and pretty much did. Howard said his daughter noticed how upset he was over the whole thing and asked if he was going to be okay. He said he'd be fine but he could never trust Scott Einziger again.
A listener called in and talked about how strange it is that Howard can't trust someone who was so close to him but he trusts someone like Melrose Larry Green. Howard said Melrose has screwed him on occasion though.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Robin was saying that ''Are You Hot?'' isn't the same thing that Howard does. Robin said that she was saying that the screwed up the concept when the put the show together.
Chaunce Hayden (ChuanceHayden.com) called in and said that he was watching ''The Man Show'' last night and they had a ''Wheel of Sex'' type thing on there. Howard said shows like that just pick and choose stuff that he does. He heard about the hidden scale thing too that he's been doing for years. Chaunce asked Howard if his ''Turkish Millionaire'' was a rip off of ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire.'' Howard said that is a parody of that show and he's not doing it every day as a regular show. He said this ''Are You Hot?'' thing is just a direct lift of one of his bits. He and Chaunce talked about that for a couple of minutes and Howard took a break a short time later.
Howard heard a commercial for ''8 Mile'' the Eminem movie being out on DVD. Howard said he hasn't seen it yet and wondered if it's any good. Gary said it's kind of like ''Purple Rain'' in the way he does stuff over and over again and gets better and better. Gary said he thought that Britany Murphy was hotter than he thought she was in the movie. Howard said he thinks her head is too big for her body. He figures she'll plump up again eventually. He also said she looks like a baby bird straining for food too.
Robin said that Howard would relate to the movie because there are a lot of black guys beating up Eminem in the movie. Howard said he thinks he still has a movie in him... ''Howard Stern the Roosevelt Years'' when he was getting beaten up as a kid. Gary mentioned that Eminem and Britany Murphy were in a bar in the movie and they were the only white people in there. That led to Howard talking about how some white chicks are fascinated by black dudes and will only date them. Gary said he had that happen to him one time. He was dating a chick who wanted a black dude and ended up banging a black dude after they broke up.
Silk said he wasn't claiming to be ODB's representative. He was just there to straighten out some facts about him. He's out of prison now and he's in the middle of processing and he should be on his way home soon. Howard asked Silk where ODB is at. Silk said all of the stuff on TV about him being insane and in a crazy house isn't true. He is being evaluated over what he has done. He was wearing a bullet proof vest out in L.A. and that's apparently illegal. He went on to talk about some of the other problems ODB had while he was in jail. Howard told Silk to tell ODB to make his show one of his first stops once he gets out of jail. Howard sent him on his way and got to some other stuff.
Howard mentioned his interview with Al Goldstein who took pictures of his son and put his face on people giving oral to him in his magazine ''Screw.'' Howard said he doesn't understand why he does that. He said Al is proud of the pictures and sends him that stuff. Howard said Al also sent him some pictures of himself banging some chicks after taking some Viagra. That's when he saw the phony pictures of his son giving him oral. Howard said he'd kill himself if his father did something like that to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there was a show called ''All American Girl'' where they interviewed the girls with questions like Howard uses in his Homeless Game. Howard said that's not something he'd sue over though. He said that ''Are You Hot?'' was a complete lift of a concept from his show. He and the caller spent a short time on that. Howard said it will be settled in court so there's no reason to discuss it. The caller thanked Howard for a trip he'd won from the show before getting off the phone. Howard continued to talk about that show and said he doesn't know how any of those guys can even sleep at night knowing they ripped him off. Howard said Lloyd Braun has told him he really didn't know the show was a rip off of his show until he pointed it out. Howard said he thought those guys just figured he'd put up with it. Howard didn't think they'd actually go through with that whole thing. Obviously he was wrong.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's a shot of Jennifer Lopez getting out of a car and showing beaver in the latest Hustler magazine. Howard said he doesn't even believe some of those shots these days because they're so easy to fake with Photoshop. The guy said it looks legitimate to him. Howard said he doesn't think J-Lo's body is that great when she's naked either. He said her sister Linda has a body that's 10 times better than hers. Robin said it's true that pictures can be faked and even video can be faked these days. Howard told Stuttering John to get Cris Judd (J-Los ex-husband) to come in and verify the photo.
Howard said that John's wife called his girlfriend Beth to ask her to come to this Oscar party he's holding. Beth tried to call John's wife back but John answered and told Beth that she has to come to this party because Cris Judd is going to be there. John said he was joking when he told her that but Howard said he wasn't joking. Howard wondered if John tells everyone that he's coming to his party too. Howard said he probably won't be going to the party because he has to work the next day. John said the party starts pretty early though so he could come and hang out for a little while. Howard said Tyson Beckford are going to be there too. Howard said that John had to let Beth know that they were going to be there. John said he was just a goof but Howard kept saying that he does that on purpose because h has to let people know who's going to be there. He said John is just a ''star f-er.'' Howard wondered what the joke was when John tells someone that Cris Judd is going to be there. He didn't have an explanation though. He just said it was fine if Howard and Gary don't go to the party. John said that he won't even talk to Beth anymore from now on. He said that everything he says is misconstrued. He got upset and ended up leaving the studio. Howard then said that John actually told Beth that so she would bring some of her hot model friends to the party for Cris Judd to meet. Fred did his impression of John and goofed on him by making up some stuff that he might say to people he's invited to his party. John came back in and said that Howard invites people he doesn't even know to his party. Howard said he doesn't go around telling people that those people are going to be at his party though. John and Howard ended up yelling at each other. Howard said that John doesn't have to make a big deal about those guys being there by mentioning their names. Howard said it's not the same thing as him inviting celebrities he doesn't know to his party. John said he doesn't tell people to come to his party just because those people are coming to his party. Howard told John he was right and both of them are Star F-ers. Fred continued to goof on John for a short time after he left. He was doing his impression of John saying that Maria Conchita Alonso was going to be serving at the party and was also his cleaning lady. Howard said he thinks that John is trying to upgrade his party because he's been to some in the past and they're usually pretty boring. He wondered if there will be velvet ropes where only celebrities will be allowed to go. He and the guys continued to goof on John for a short time and said that Cris and Tyson will show up to the party and be bored by the whole thing. Howard said he thinks he'll lose his friendship over the party.
Gary said some of the other celebrities John was with on ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!'' will be coming to John's summer party. Gary said he wasn't going to go to John's Oscar Party until he heard who was going to be there. Howard continued to talk about how right he is about the whole thing while Fred goofed on John some more. Howard said that John was lying by saying that he was just joking around with Beth about that whole thing. Robin said John pulled out an e-mail the other day to show it off to her. It was from Melissa Rivers. Howard said it would be funny if neither of those guys showed up to John's party. A woman called in and asked Howard to give John a break. Gary told Howard that there are people who think Howard is jealous of John getting some attention from that show and from his Tonight Show appearance. John was getting really upset about the conversations and Howard ended up telling John that he was really close to firing him. They ended up talking about the amount of time John took off to do that show and how they didn't know he was going to be gone for 3 weeks. John said he told Gary how long he'd be gone and it wasn't his fault that he didn't understand that. Howard wanted to drop the whole thing because he was getting bored with it. Gary mentioned they were supposed to take a call from a woman who got the biggest divorce settlement ever. Howard said he didn't want to hear from her though. He said she got over $40 million in her settlement and he really wasn't interested in hearing about it. Robin said she wanted to hear about it though.
Howard had tape from the ''Good Day'' show where they were talking about his lawsuit the other day. The woman doing the report didn't quite have her facts straight so Howard pointed that out and goofed on the show a little bit. After that he got this woman Vira Hladun-Goldman on the phone. He'd said earlier in the morning he wasn't interested in hearing about her $44 million divorce settlement but he went with it anyway. Howard said she was calling in to promote her book ''Separate Ways: Relationships, Divorce & Independence of Mind.'' Vira said that she wrote the book for women out there who have gotten divorced and have low self-esteem. She said she's 68 years old and once she started talking about her huge settlement Howard started going off one her. She was saying that when she got married she was in a 50/50 relationship with her husband so she deserved the money she was awarded. Howard asked her some questions about the amount of work she actually did while they were married. She said that she cooked and gave a great hair cut for her husband and did work around the house. She said that was work and she should get half her husband's money. Howard told her that for that type of work she should be given about $200,000 a year. She said she was married for 33 years so Gary figured it was $6.6 million.
Vira kept using the term ''equal mates'' which Howard didn't seem to like. He said that when the guy goes out and works for a living while the woman stays home, she shouldn't get half of the guy's money. She kept insisting that they were equal mates though. At one point she was saying that she and her husband combined their money and then split it. She said that she put her $8 million in while he put in the other $70-something million. Howard wondered where she got that $8 million and figured she got the seed money for her real estate investments from her husband to begin with. She and Howard ended up talking over each other quite a bit. Then Artie started doing an impression of her cackle and voice which seemed to be quite similar to Mariann from Brooklyn's voice. He kept goofing on her discussion about the work she did to earn that money.
Gary told Howard that if she had held out a little longer she would have gotten everything. Her husband died two months after their divorce.
Howard said this is the reason guys don't want to get married these days. They don't want to lose half their money. Artie kept doing his impression of Vira while Howard took some phone calls. Howard asked Vira what her problem was with the guy at the time of their divorce. She said they'd grown apart and wanted to go their separate ways. Gary wanted to know what it was that set them apart. Howard wanted her to be honest but she insisted that she was. Howard told her she just got bored with the guy. She said their ''lifestyles had changed.'' Howard wanted to know what about it was so bad that she had to leave. She said it wasn't that bad and their lifestyles were different. She said he wanted to do one thing and she wanted to do something else. She wanted to travel and he didn't. She wanted to set up their fortune and he didn't want her. Howard said he should have driven her to a remote area and pushed her off a cliff. Robin said she could have traveled around the world without him. Howard said he would have taken her to a volcano in Hawaii and pushed her in. Howard kept saying that she was using his money to do stuff but she kept saying ''OUR money Howard, OUR money!'' Howard wondered how much money she's given away since she got her half of the money. She didn't want to talk about that stuff though. Howard said he hopes that he got at least one good BJ out of this.
Howard took another call and the caller told her that she raped her husband of his money doing what she did. She just laughed as all of this was being said. Howard read that the judge in the case wrote the Howard in her book. It turns out it was a female judge. Howard said no guy would let that happen. Howard asked Vira if she paid off the judge after getting her settlement. She said he'd have to ask the judge.
Howard said there's no way he's reading this book. He said he'd throw up if he read it. Howard told her he's going to make a horror movie out of her book. She just laughed and went along with it all. Howard took a couple more phone calls including one from a woman who said she could tell Howard was bitter about her divorce. Of course he's upset about it. A guy also called in and said that his wife isn't going to get any of his money. Howard told the guy he was going to have to pay. Sal the Stockbroker called in as Vira's dead husband and went off on her for a few seconds. She was still just laughing without a care when he did it though. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later.
He and the guys continued to talk about the call after she was off the phone and took a break a short time later.
Howard wanted to do one thing before getting to Robin. He had this guy ''Tooth Boy'' in to show off a talent he has. Howard said the guy has this talent but he can't get paid for it. He spent a minute talking to him before telling Robin what he was there to do. He eventually told Robin that the guy plays a tune on his teeth by tapping on them with his fingers. The guy tapped on out to demonstrate. Howard said the guy is musical. Artie seemed to think it was pretty good. Howard told the Robin to give it a try but she didn't seem to want to. Tooth Boy told Howard he started doing this a long time ago and used to do it at family gatherings. Howard had him do another demonstration of the Mexican Hat Dance. Gary heard that he can Dueling Banjos too. Tooth Boy went ahead and gave it a try. He also did the ''Popeye'' theme for Howard. He had him do the National Anthem for all the boys over in the Mid East. He was actually able to do it pretty well. Robin said he could have played that at the Scott the Engineer Anal Pay-Per-View if they were still doing that. Howard asked him if he could do any AC/DC but he didn't know any. He said he could probably play it if someone hummed it to him. Howard said that the guy has a useless talent. He might be able to work with the guy ''Bobby Badfingers'' who snaps his fingers.
Howard Kevin Tooth Boy that if anyone calls them about having him perform, he'll get in touch with him. Howard said he reminds him of ''Teeth Richards.'' He sent him on his way after that and had Robin do her news.
During the news Howard said that Paul Fishbein of Adult Video News found this guy Michael Lucas who could have done the banging of Scott the Engineer if Scott had gone through with it. Howard said he's a gay, Russian porn star (Michael Lucas) and Gary told Howard that the guy is very large and uncircumcised. Gary said the guy still wants to come on the show though. Robin said they could show Scott what he missed out on. Howard said Scott could change his mind again some day so they'll keep him in mind. Gary asked Howard if they offered Scott half a million bucks if he thinks Scott would take it. Howard asked Scott if he'd take the $500,000. He said ''no'' to that and even $2 million. Howard even went up to $3 million and Scott turned it down. Scott said he'd have to find another way to make that kind of money. Howard got back to the news after trying that.
Howard said he has to figure out what they're doing and not doing when they go out to Vegas sometime in April. He said they have a lot of stuff to do so he has to figure out what not to do.
Howard brought up President Bush's speech last night and said now it's time to do something. He said that if Hussein actually loved his people, he'd actually get up and leave his country. Howard said the guy is after power and that's it. Howard said he heard that Hussein's right hand guy shook in fear when the last President Bush sent Hussein a letter and asked the guy to give it to him. His people are just ''yes men'' according to Howard. He went on to say that President Bush has to look into France after this war is over. He said we have to kick France out of the UN because of their behavior during times like these. Robin wondered how we're supposed to do something like that. Howard said that the United States could get it done because we support the UN so much.
Gray came in and brought up this French guy who lost his cello in a cab recently. The guy apparently gave out a cell phone number for someone so if anyone found it, they could call. The woman got a lot of nasty phone messages about the French after they gave out the number. Howard had to take a break shortly after talking about that. He said that they have Roy Jones Jr. and Nancy Odell coming in later in the show.
After the break they came back to an intro by Fred Durst who mentioned Britney Spears. Howard said he'd like to bang Britney himself. He went on to talk about how when you date him you instantly become a ''bad girl.'' He said that Robin would never go out with him. They talked about that for a few seconds.
Howard said he's still sick and doesn't know what's going on with him. Robin wondered when his cold is going to go away. Howard said it's just the first half hour of the show when he can't talk. Robin asked him if he does vocal exercises. He said when he starts doing that it's time to get out of radio. He said he used to do it when he was first starting out but doesn't do it anymore. He said he was really nervous about doing radio back then and his father always told him how bad he was as he was growing up so that made him even more nervous. Howard ended up talking about his dad who he saw for a short time yesterday. He said he doesn't know why he was scared of that guy. These days he can barely walk. He got back to his first days on the air and how he jammed up the board the first time he worked it. He said he couldn't believe he'd done that and had to call the Program Director who was asleep at the time. Howard said the guy wanted to fire him but didn't.
Artie said something during that conversation so Howard looked over and saw all the ink spots on his face from the hair paint he uses. Artie didn't believe he had anything there already. He said the ink washes off when he goes home. He was trying to rub it off but he said it was probably getting worse.
Howard said when he did vocal exercises he was blowing into a bucket of water and some other odd stuff.
Howard took some phone calls and ended up talking about the President's speech last night. That led to Howard talking about Saddam Hussein again. He talked about how rich the country is and how poor the people are there. Howard said that's because Saddam is sucking up all of the money there. He and Robin also talked about Saddam's sons and how they rape and torture people. Howard goofed on their names a little bit too. They brought up how one of the sons would torture their Olympic team members if they didn't do well in their events. Artie goofed on that a little bit by doing an impression and making fun of the idea.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had a cold similar to Howard's. She said she took Vicks Formula 44D and it helped. Howard said his doctor told him to take Robitussin but he's not taking anything right now. He said there's nothing wrong with him so he's just going to go through it. The woman called in and said she wanted to wish Bianca (Howard's dog) a happy first birthday. Howard said he heard that this woman calls in every day to talk to him. She said that wasn't true but Gary told him that Stuttering John claims that it is every day. Howard wondered if she's hot but after a short discussion they figured that any person who calls in every day isn't hot. The woman had a theory about what happened to Scott Einziger when he went out to L.A. She thought it had something to do with Scott's wife Maya and her relationship with Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray. Howard ended up talking about how Scott went out to L.A. and stole the ''Are You Hot?'' idea from the show. He said that Scott was a good friend before he went out to do that. Howard said he talked to an old friend who said the rip off was really blatant and felt bad about it. Howard said that Scott hasn't called since then and he doesn't think he'd want to talk to him now. He said it's costing him a lot to sue them over it. Howard said his lawyers have tape of his show and their show and it's identical. Howard said he's pretty sure that Scott took tapes of his show and showed them to Lorenzo Lamas who uses the laser pointer like Ralph has been doing for years. Howard said he talked to his dad yesterday and he called the guys who stole the idea from his show ''Dumb and Dumber.'' His dad even said that they were the exact same show and if they were smart, they would have changed it around. Howard said even Ralph is pissed because it's rare that he comes up with a good idea works. Howard said Lloyd Braun over at ABC has been very cooperative with him even though he's suing them. Howard said he had a deal with Showtime and they dropped it after the ABC show came out. Howard said he was going to host the show on Showtime but they decided not to go with it. Howard said this guy Mike Fleiss used to ask him to do shows with him and he always told him if he had ideas, they could sit down and talk about them. Now he's gone and done the show without him. Howard said he didn't even want to talk about this again but that woman got him started.
Howard told Double A that they should be in Vegas from Tuesday, April 22nd to Friday the 25th. Howard said they may be doing a mini concert with Artie as the lead singer of their AC/DC cover band. Artie did a little bit of his Brian Johnson impression to give them a demonstration. Howard went on to talk about Artie getting smashed when they were out there last time. Howard said he got up early to go play cards one morning and Artie was already drunk down in the casino.
Howard got back to his discussion about going to visit Beth's family on Easter. Howard said he has to eat nice when he goes out. He said he usually eats like the Fly by regurgitating on his food before eating it. He had to take another break after that short discussion
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to yell at Scott the Engineer for backing out of the anal pay-per-view special. The guy said he knew Scott was going to back out. He said Scott is still a ''fag'' even though he didn't go through with it. Howard said he was right and moved on to another phone call.
A caller said that teenage girls dress too provocative these days and he thinks it's too much for them. Howard joked that it was Tom Chiusano calling in. Howard asked the guy if he has thoughts about the girls he sees. He said he does and the girls he's looking at are only like 13 or 14. He said he wants to warn parents about letting them dress like that because he doesn't want anything to happen. Robin said she thinks the guy will probably lose it eventually. Howard asked him if he has anyone in mind right now. He said he's got a neighbor who is about 14 and she's dressing like she's 22 years old. He said he's torn on the situation. He told Howard how she had a party and all of her friends were wearing belly shirts and looked really hot. He said he doesn't have a girlfriend right now and put out that warning again. He said he's never really talked to this girl. Robin said that now that he's given this warning, he's going to think that if the girls are still wearing this stuff, he's going to think that they're asking for it. The guy said that it's hard for him to control himself. Howard took a couple of other calls and let some guy tell him how wacky this guy sounded. Howard told the guy that he really needs to get help. They told him that the girls aren't going to change the way they dress just because this guy thinks they have to. Howard said he sees girls sometimes and doesn't know how old they are but he doesn't look at kids that way. Howard told the guy he had to get going because the guy was creeping him out.
Howard got back to playing some more of the Richard Cheese songs. He covered ''Shake Yo Ass'' by Mystikal. Howard played a few seconds of the song and then played the original, real version of the song.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said this war is bringing back memories of the 9/11 attacks. She lost someone close to her so she's being effected by the whole thing. Robin asked Howard what he's going to do if they hear the city is going to be attacked. Howard said he's going to get out of there. Gary said they're still trying to scare the crap out of everyone there. He said they said on the news that if 2 pounds of Anthrax was dropped on New York City there would be at least 125,000 deaths within 4 days. Gary said he wonders why he's been coming into work lately.
Gary said that Roy Jones Jr. was there with a huge entourage. He said he's got a personal photographer and a ton of other people there with him. Howard wondered what a guy has to pay for a personal photographer. He said he'll have a bunch of questions for Roy when he comes in. Gary told Howard about some of the people who were there with Jones. Gary said there are between 6 and 8 people there with the guy. Howard took a break before bringing Roy in.
Howard and Roy also talked about boxing a bit. Roy said he thinks he could beat Lennox Lewis in a fight. He said he's pretty sure he could beat just about anybody. Howard wondered why there are no great white boxers. Roy said there are some moving up in the ranks who are very good. Howard said they need fathers who beat them with pipes to be as good as him. Howard talked to Roy about his three sons and asked him if he's going to start beating them with lead pipes. Roy said he'd never touch his kids in that way. Howard talked to Roy about his house down in Florida which has an elevator in it. Howard said he must have a lot of money if he's got an elevator in the house. Howard asked Roy if he's married. He said he's not so Robin asked him how he got the kids without a wife. He said things just happen. Roy told Howard that he's 34 years old so they spent a short time on that subject. Roy also mentioned that his father was in Vietnam so Howard went into his phony 'Nam stories for a couple of minutes. He told Roy that he blew up some schools in Vietnam while he was there.
Howard brought up Roy's CD and asked him what kinds of other stuff he's got in the works. Howard mentioned the George Foreman grills and how they're the third best selling grills in the country right now. Roy said he wants to put some stuff out but wants to wait for the right money. Howard asked Roy about Mike Tyson and his tattoo. Roy said ''that's just Mike'' when that was brought up. Howard said he'd love to see Roy fight Mike. Roy said he'd love it too.
Howard asked Roy about the personal photographer he brought with him. He said he doesn't pay for it, it was part of something he was given. Howard read that people believe Roy could have beaten Mohammed Ali when he was in his prime. Roy said that it probably wouldn't even be close and he's not sure he could have beaten him.
Gary came in and asked Roy if it's true he's into cock fighting. Roy said that is true and told Howard about his cocks. Howard kept asking him about his cocks and how big they were. He also asked him if he cleans his cocks and stuff like that. They had a lot of cock references in that short time. Howard and Roy went through the cock thing for a couple of minutes. Robin even got in on the cock discussion and asked him about the cock rings. Robin asked if he puts the claws on the cocks. Roy said he doesn't think that's fair so he doesn't do that. Artie said he bet on a bunch of cocks last week... and they're known as The Knicks. Artie also talked about doing a skit on ''Mad TV'' with Roy and how he threw a phony punch at him and it was only about an inch from his face.
Howard played some of Roy's music and said Roy is looking for a record company to put the album out. He's got a meeting with Sony today about it. Howard asked Roy a bunch of other questions while he played the CD. He read that Roy got 60 percent of the last pay-per-view fight he did. Howard also heard that Roy is friends with Mystikal so he asked him about that. Howard said he liked Roy's music too. He has his own studio at his house. Roy said he's got his own full basketball court there too.
Howard wrapped things up and Roy told him that he's a big fan of his TV show. Howard asked Roy to kick Mike Tyson's ass for him. Roy said he'd do that.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told Roy to tell Howard how his father killed his dog. Roy said his dog ended up biting his sister so his father killed it. Roy said it wasn't even his dog though so he didn't think his father should have killed it. Roy said that was the last straw with his father and left the house after that happened. Roy said he didn't talk to his father for 7 years after that. He does talk to him now though. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that.
AJ Benza called in to complain about something he'd read in the paper about Howard's big lawsuit. In the NY Post they quoted Howard as saying that when he does his evaluations they have a few ''ugly guys'' judging women on their looks. Since AJ was part of some of those evaluations, he took offense to that. Howard told him that from now on he'll say that AJ isn't one of the ugly guys. AJ seems to agree with Howard about that awful ''Are You Hot?'' show. They spent just a couple of minutes on that before Howard moved on.
Howard said that he had planned to do this evaluation of Nancy Odell today when she came in but after talking about it earlier this morning, she canceled her appearance. King of All Blacks had come down to be one of the judges so Howard had him come in to just hang out and talk. When King of all Blacks came in everyone noticed that he'd gotten much bigger than he used to be. His shirt was huge according to Robin. Howard and the guys tried to guess how big he was but King told them he was only 260 pounds. No one believed him so they had him get on the scale they have built into the floor in there. The first time he got on it the scale shot up to 341 pounds! They thought it might be wrong so they reset the scale and had him get back on. Once again it shot up to 341 pounds. Howard said King is going to have to get his stomach stapled. He also told him he looks like Al Roker the weather guy. Someone asked King if he eats the garbage he collects as a garbage man. He said he's heard that joke before. He said he suffers from high blood pressure now too.
Howard talked to King about how he likes to tan when he gets the chance. King said he does that to even out his color. He said he doesn't want to be any darker than he already is, he just likes to even out the color.
Howard had a bunch of tabloid stories to talk about. He brought up a bunch of stuff including a story about Steve Martin and how he's dating a 31 year old woman. The article says that the woman's parents are upset because the mother is a year younger than Steve. Howard also read one about Teri Hatcher and her separation from her husband. The article talked about her getting divorced from her husband even after he helped her through her weight loss problems. Howard also talked about the relationship he had with her years ago via e-mail. He wasn't sure what happened between the two of them though. Robin reminded him of the e-mail he sent to her that they all put together on the show. It was like a stalker letter that freaked her out. Howard said she showed up to his movie set and visited him in his trailer. He said he hoped something would happen between them but nothing ever did. Howard said he had a whole feast in his trailer at the time and she ate.
Howard read an article about Sally Field who is complaining that she can't get any work these days and the fact that she can't get clothes on loan from designers. Howard told her to ''Wake up and smell the coffin!'' Howard said her time has passed and her career is over.
Howard said the best story was one about OJ Simpson's daughter and how she's ''trapped in a house of pain.'' He read through that article and talked about that for a short time. Howard was talking about how his kids get pissed at him sometimes and tell him off. He said they tell him he thinks he knows everything. Howard said he tells them he really doesn't know everything and he knows that. He said even his 10 year old tells him that. Howard said she hurt her foot and he wanted to take her to the doctor. She didn't think she needed to go so she freaked out on him. Howard said she ended up going with her mother instead. He also told a story about going to see some experimental theater with his daughter. He said that Willam Defoe was in the show and Howard told his daughter he thought it was unusual for someone to do that. Howard said he told his daughter that was commendable and ended up getting his ass reamed by his daughter.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that all of the Stern fans get together and buy OJ's daughter Karate lessons, a safe house and a shotgun so she could get away from her dad. Howard said his daughters took Karate lessons and even they probably couldn't defend themselves. The guy who called in joked that he was over in Iraq and the war had started. He was pretending that he was getting shot and stuff but Howard hung up on him. Howard took another call from a guy who brought up this Trista chick who was ''The Bachelorette.'' She was on Oprah's show and Howard said he's really getting sick of her.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he saw OJ out and about one night and he even got a picture taken with him. The guy said OJ really does believe that he's innocent. He told Howard he's going to hang the picture in his garage or bathroom. He said that he had broads hanging all over him while he was out. King of all Blacks said that a lot of women don't believe OJ is guilty. Howard took a break shortly after that.
Howard read something that someone sent him about George Bush and how smart he is. Howard read through some of the stuff and it shows the educations of Bush's cabinet. They had a run down of Bush, Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld and a bunch of others who are very educated. Howard said education doesn't mean anything but when you hear them speak, it's incredible. Then he read a list of the celebrities who are speaking out against the war. Most of them didn't get any more than a high school education. Here are just a few of those celebrities:
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his wife wants him to have sex with her and another guy. Howard told him if he's into that he's gay. The guy said he doesn't want to do it though. Howard wondered what's wrong with him that he can't get the job done with his wife. The guy said he wants to make her happy but he's not going to go through with that. Howard told him that if she wants another man she's done with him. Howard said he'd fly the two of them in to check them out to see how hot his wife is. Howard said he'll bring him in, hit him on the head with a bat and have sex with his wife.
Howard took another call from a guy who was saying that Howard has become what he used to ''rile'' against. Howard told the guy that the word ''rile'' doesn't exist and it's ''rail.'' The guy said Howard has become Kelsey Grammer. Howard defended himself and went off on the guy for a minute before Howard hung up on the guy. Howard took a couple more phone calls and let some people ask some other questions. One guy said he watched some PBS special about how the Iraq war has come about so they spent a minute on that. Howard also brought up the French and how they've turned on us. Howard said we allow them to pretend that they're a world power and give their views but they're really just a ''third rate country.'' He said we've given them so much respect over the years and they don't even have the backbone to back us up. Howard and Robin argued about that a little bit. Howard said that China has emerged as a world power unlike France. Robin said that China isn't much better than Iraq though. Howard then used a comic book analogy to describe the world. He said you have Superman, Aquaman and The Flash sitting in the Justice League of America. He said suddenly Superman turns to the others and says they need King of All Blacks in the group. Howard said they let him in to make him feel good. Aquaman then wonders why he lets him in. 50 years later King of All Black is mouthing off telling them they're a bunch of asses and they're wrong about stuff they're doing. The super heroes don't know why he's giving them a hard time because he's got no powers. He's fat, not in shape and can't fight. Then Flash and Aquaman tell Superman what he's done. Howard said King is France in that analogy. Howard said that our country is a super power along with China and England. Howard went through the whole concept with everyone. Howard said just because a country has nuclear weapons, that doesn't make them a super power. He said France, Germany and India aren't super powers. Howard said Egypt isn't a power either and Rhode Island is more of a power. He said that Superman is the United States in that analogy he used. England would be Batman. He said they don't have any powers but they have the ability to use their brains. Howard said Iraq would be The Riddler and Superman could kick his ass. He also said that France is Carrot Top. Robin and Howard went over a couple of other things about the war and about World War II. They also argued about some superhero comic book characters. Robin said that Atom didn't belong in the Justice League of America. Howard said that's no true and he did belong on there. Howard and Robin argues about Wonder Woman and whether or not she belonged in that group. Howard said she did. Artie said she had a super power of ''a vagina.'' After doing that for a few minutes Howard took another break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard said he ate so fast this morning he doesn't even thing he tasted anything. He said he does that every day. One day he asked KC where his breakfast was and KC told him he'd already eaten it. Howard has to lose some weight but when he does that, he exercises so much that he gets sick and then gains more weight. It's a vicious cycle that he's been going through. He said that's why he has to get out of radio in 2 years when his contract is up. He said his sickness might be due to the fact that he has to sue an old friend, Scott Einziger. Howard spent a couple of minutes wondering what is going on with Scott and why he went behind his back and screwed him. Howard said that this guy Mike Fleiss has done some other rip-off shows. Howard had a theory about how Scott got involved with the guy and figures Scott didn't want to do it but Mike convinced him that it's the way things are done in Hollywood. Howard said that Scott was going around telling people that he wasn't going to like it before it started airing. He said Scott was even telling Beth that he wanted to come out and visit them during the summer. Howard said he must have had his head in the sand or something. Howard said he might as well let them come into his house and let them steal stuff from him.
Howard said that last night they had Kelly Clarkson on ''American Idol'' and had a preview clip of the new movie she's in. Howard said she's done nothing to improve her look either. Gary said she looked like she might be pregnant because she had quite a bit of a ''gunt'' on her. Howard said the movie looked pretty bad like an Annette Funicello movie or something. Robin said she didn't think she'd want to see that movie when she heard about it. Howard even said she doesn't sound that good. He said the new group of finalists are better than her. Howard and Robin talked about how vital Simon Cowell is to that show and how Paula is always talking about him being mean. Howard said if he wasn't there, Paula wouldn't have a job. Howard talked about some of the finalists and who he thought was good. He thought Clay was pretty good but was wondering if he's gay or not. Howard and the guys were also wondering what was up with Ryan Seacrest. Howard said he was told that Ryan was in the spa down in Barbados the week before he was down there. The guys talked about him for a short time and then got back to Kelly Clarkson. They talked about how she was dragged into that movie before she did an album so now no one will care about her album.
Gary also brought up the Old Navy commercial that wasn't a commercial during the show last night. He said they have a lot of product placement on that show. Howard said they brought the contestants there to get new clothing during the show according to Howard. They talked about that weird segment and how they were dressing the contestants like they were old people. Howard had to take a break after that discussion.
Howard read that Saddam is going to leave his sons in charge of the country while he crawls into his bunker to protect himself. Howard also read that Hussein's mother wanted to abort him and kill herself when she was pregnant with him. He read that it was a Jewish woman who convinced her to keep the baby and not kill herself. Howard also read some other stuff about his childhood and how bad it was.
Howard said that there won't be any red carpet interviews at the Oscars because of the upcoming war. Howard said these are the people who don't want war and they're scared to walk the red carpet. Robin said they're not even putting the bleachers out this year. Howard wondered what Joan and Melissa Rivers are going to do if they can't be on the red carpet.
Howard said that John is mad at him about the stuff he's been saying lately so yesterday, he didn't come into the studio. He sat and did his job instead. Howard said he loved it because he was doing his job and getting a lot of work done. Howard said John is punishing him by getting his work done. Howard said he went out and did some interviews and other stuff. Robin said that most of the people from ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me out of Here!'' were at a reunion party yesterday and poor John was stuck out there. Gary told Howard he told John to go into the studio to talk to Howard about this but John just said ''Why would I go in?'' Howard said he doesn't want him to come in though so it's good. Gary said that John is still hurt about the phone call he made to the show after he got booted off the show. Howard treated him like crap and he got upset about that. Howard said ''Good!'' and continued to complain about John going on that horrible show. Howard said he did a good job yesterday and that's the way he likes it. Howard said John can't win a war against him. Gary said John went on that show and was treated like a star and then came back to the show to be treated like crap. Howard said after he shot his movie he got depressed because he was treated so well during that shoot. He had people following him around doing stuff for him and it sucked when it was over. Howard said some people thought that was the start of the end of his marriage. He said he was spoiled rotten and ate some great food during that shoot. Howard went on to say that it was a gift to John that he got to go on that show. He said these TV shows do that with a bunch of the people from the show. He said they do it for Gary and they called his girlfriend to do a sitcom. Howard said they used to call Jackie to do Hollywood Squares all the time when he was on the show. Now that he's not on the show, they've stopped calling. Howard did his Jackie impression and goofed on him for a short time. He said Jackie always thought that the show was holding him back and he'd be a big star in Hollywood if he left the show. Howard told him to go ahead and leave but he always stuck around. Howard said John is just like Jackie now. Howard said when they told John how much money Jackie was offered when he left the show, John couldn't believe it. Robin said that he's not doing the right thing at the right time. Howard said he's looking for the next Scott Einziger in his crew and John may be that person. Howard said John is no longer allowed in the studio and he's taking all of that away from him. Fred goofed on John a little bit after that before Howard moved on to other stuff. Gary asked him if he had to move on. Howard spent a minute talking about some other stuff and then took another break.
Howard said there's a radio commercial running for Nextel featuring Eric McCormack from ''Will and Grace'' where he uses the word ''wife'' many times. Howard noticed that and pointed it out to us. Howard ended up talking about how cool those Nextel walkie talkie things are. Gary said they are cool because they actually tested some out a couple of years ago. He was talking to someone at the office from his home over this walkie talkie thing. Howard said he's even amazed by stuff like ''where does my doody go'' when he flushes it down the toilet. Howard said he wants to know where his doody goes so he told Gary to set something up so someone can explain it to him. Gary told Howard about this new vacuum cleaner that can do automatic vacuuming around the house. Howard said it wouldn't work in his place though. He said he's got stuff that would block it from working on his carpet. Howard said you can't vacuum stuff when you have stuff in the way. Robin told him it will work because the thing is round and will go around the stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's a bad idea to get one of those Nextel phones because he'll be constantly bugged by everyone on the network. Howard said he'd just turn it off at night though. Gary said you can schedule it when you want it to work for you and who is on the network. Brian Phelan from E! came in and said he has one and is able to talk to people right away. Howard told him to try calling someone. He tried his brother but he was blocked. He tried a friend of his who popped right up when he beeped him. He said he's able to use it from Long Island to Atlantic City but when he went up to Albany, it didn't work. Gary said they have a lot of people who could use these things on the show. There's no phone bill when you use it as a walkie talkie either. KC came in and said Gary had one on him one day and when he got in the elevator he beeped Gary and yelled out ''Look at me! I'm a big gay guy in a gray sweatshirt!'' Howard thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said he got a copy of ''About Schmit'' and he's about 20 minutes into it and it's the greatest movie. He said when Nicholson wakes up and realizes he's sick of his wife, it's the greatest moment. Robin said she didn't like the movie.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to get rid of the Nextel phones because someone was using the N-word on the network. Howard said if they get them and Gary goes out somewhere, he's just going to get on it and say ''N-word, N-word, N-word...'' Gary told Howard that he read that Madonna has banned cell phones from being anywhere near her. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard said they have tape of Gary Busey rambling at a commercial recording session and it's a great tape but they're not sure if they can play it on the air legally. He told Gary to go call Busey to find out if it's okay.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him the pictures of the Space Shuttle blowing up on the web were fakes. Howard was talking about them earlier and wondered if they were real or not. Howard said that Photoshop has ruined everything because photos can be altered so easy these days. He didn't get to the second interview before bringing in Michael Lucas.
Scott the Engineer came in a minute later. Howard told him how much he was going to make on the movie and Lucas told him that a porn star can get maybe $2000 for a movie. Howard asked Lucas if he could get aroused for sex with Scott. Lucas said he definitely could if KC was around. He said that just the thought of having sex with a straight guy would be arousing too. Howard wondered if he could have lasted two minutes like they wanted. Howard wondered if he'd be able to finish on cue too. Lucas said that he can last a long time and he might be able to finish on cue.
Howard had Michael take off his shirt and his pants to show Scott his huge penis. He's uncircumcised and very large. Lucas said that he's Jewish and not circumcised. Robin told him it looked pretty ''cute'' even with it being uncircumcised. Howard asked Scott if he thought he'd have been able to take all of that. Scott said ''No!'' like he never planned to do it.
Robin asked Michael when he had gay sex for the first time and how it happened. He said he used to date girls when he was younger. He didn't get around to saying how it happened the first time because Howard had some other questions for him. He was wondering if Scott the Engineer is still in the closet and this would have been his coming out.
Howard took some phone calls for Michael. One guy asked how large you have to be to be considered ''well hung.'' Michael said that he's like 10 inches not aroused. When fully aroused he's like 13. Howard continued to ask Scott some questions about how he would have done it and what position he was going to be in. Scott wasn't sure and denied ever wanting to do it. Howard said anyone who wants to take anal is gay. He said Scott must be gay then.
Howard talked to Michael about his movies. Michael said he's been in about 30 movies which is a lot for gay stars. He said he has to use extra large condoms when he has sex because he's so large. Howard joked that he has to use Magnum condoms himself because regular ones are a little too tight for him.
Howard was ready to wrap up the segment but wanted Scott to pull down his pants to show Michael his ass and what he was missing out on. Howard continued to goof on Scott for a short time. Michael asked Howard if KC is gay. Howard said he is but KC came in and said that he's not. Howard wanted him to show him his abs but KC said he's not showing him anything. Michael said KC was talking with his hands a lot and he's not Jewish, so he must be gay. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that. You can find out more about Michael at his web site LucasEntertainment.com.
After the break Howard said there was a mad dash to the bathroom after Michael Lucas' appearance. Howard said the guy was handling himself and then shook their hands.
Howard said Donald Trump sent him a note that said something like ''You know that the world has changed when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golf player is a black guy and Germany doesn't want to go to war.''
Robin told Howard a story about going out to lunch with Mel Karmazin and how he didn't want to go to the place she chose because it was a French restaurant so she got a call from his people who told her they wanted to change it to the Four Seasons. Robin said she didn't know we were boycotting everything French.
Howard said they forgot to play a commercial during the break so he had to play it. It turned out to be a phony commercial for ''Lord of the Anal Circle Toss'' which Howard said was produced by Scott Einziger. It was just another little dig at Einziger for working on ''Are You Hot?''
Howard said he got another Hartford Advocate award for best radio show. Howard had a few other things that he whipped through. He said that Dennis Miller is for this war so he wrote a top 10 list about it. Howard read what Dennis wrote and he was right on the money with a lot of it. He said there are 10 things to consider with the war in Iraq. Here are some of those things...
Howard spent a short time talking about Halle Berry backing out of playing the part of Cat Woman in the next Batman movie so she could work on Broadway.
Gary said in the book Steve says it's not a good place to find a quick relationship. He said that doctors tell women that they should wait about 2 weeks before having sex. Howard and Steve said that at these abortion clinics, you'll find just women because guys don't go there. Gary brought up some other ways that Steve recommends to pick up women. He actually recommends putting your phone number in a women's bathroom stall and just wait for the offers to roll in. Howard said he thinks that a woman ripe for the picking is Dana Reeve, Christopher Reeve's wife. KC also got in on the conversation and said he read that Steve goes to Apartment complexes and just starts knocking on doors. Steve said you pretend that you're looking for a blind date and just keep going until you find a woman who is looking for a date. Steve said he had two very easy ways to pick up women too. He said one costs you nothing, the other costs a couple hundred bucks. He said you just get an umbrella and wait out in front of a high rise building until a woman comes out with no umbrella. Just offer to help take her to where she's going and she might go along. He said it has worked in places like Pittsburgh and Cleveland but Howard and Robin said it would be tough in New York City. Steve said they're probably right about that. Howard read through some of the other stuff like become a driving school teacher and pick up students. He also said you can get hookers for free just by treating them like they're human beings. Howard said Benjy does stuff like that. Benjy said you don't go there like you're just going to have sex. Gary wondered how that works though. Benjy said he went to an S&M dungeon in the city and said he'd work for sex. He did 10 minutes of work and got hand release for free.
Steve suggested even going to airports to pick up women. He said people wait around for hours and hours for their flight and you can hook up with women there. He says you don't even have to be a great looking guy.
Howard took some phone calls from guys who wanted to complain about Steve. One guy said it took Steve 2 months to have sex with that abortion clinic chick. Steve said that's the reason it took so long, she'd just had an abortion.
Howard took a call from one guy who wanted to give the knocking on the apartment door thing. He got some advice from Steve and did it live while he knocked on some doors. Howard said the guy must have been doing a bit and it wasn't working so he hung up on him.
Steve said there's another way to get women but it would cost you a few bucks. He said you get names of singles from a dating service and just send out letters to the people on the list. You can then get a bunch of responses and probably a date.
Howard gave Steve a plug for his web site 1stBooks.com and his book and got off the phone with him. Howard said he doesn't think the ideas would all work and he could punch holes in all of his ideas. Howard continued to read some of the stuff from Steve's book and talked about how many women the guy has banged. He claims that he banged 200 women in just over a year and a half or something like that. He goofed on the guy a little bit and took a couple more calls about it before taking a break.
Howard asked Goldust about his family life also. He found out that he was divorced one time and has a 9 year old daughter. Goldust said that he hates his ex-wife now. While he was talking about all of that his ticks and grunts were still going off every once in a while. Howard continued to call it Tourrette's and Goldust kept telling him ''It's no Tourrette's.''
Within a few minutes Howard was taking phony calls from Benjy and Fred who were pretending to be people from some Tourrette's groups. Benjy was ''Mark'' and did some grunts of his own. Fred also did something like that a short tim alter. Goldust thought it was Artie doing that but he was sitting right there in the studio. After those calls Goldust had a moment where he yelled out ''GRAND CANYON'' for no reason.
Howard gave Goldust a plug for this Wrestlemania 19 that he's going to be appearing in on March 30th. He said he'll be there for his buddy Booker T. Gary came in at one point and said that there were some strange moments in the past where Goldust seemed to be a little gay on the WWE shows. He said that he seemed to get crushes and stuff on other guys. Goldust said he was just going along with the skits they were doing. Artie did one of his neurological disorder's after hearing that and yelled out ''HOMO, HOMO!''
Someone brought in a picture of Goldust's ex-wife who looked pretty hot according to Howard. He said her boobs were huge. Goldust said he paid for those things himself.
Howard took a couple of real phone calls for Goldust. A woman called in and wondered why he does that bit. She said it's funny but she'd rather see him doing a gay thing. Gary said that Goldust is a wrestling legacy because his father was a wrestler by the name of Dusty Roads. He told Howard that they had a strained relationship and didn't talk for three years. He said that had something to do with the ex-wife so Robin figured his father had slept with his ex-wife. He said he didn't want to talk about it but Howard said he had to get into it. He asked him about that and found out that his father just knew that she was bad for him and he didn't want to believe it.
Robin asked him if his father taught him how to wrestle. He's gotten back together with his father since his divorce. He said he hopes to someday be able to fight for a title. Howard wondered if Goldust's wife got 50 percent of his money even if she was cheating on him. He talked a little bit about that and said that she was with her gynecologist. He said within a month they got married and divorced. Artie continued to do his grunts while Goldust was talking about this stuff. Robin told Artie he had balls to be doing that to this guy. Gary said that Goldust and his ex still see each other because they still work together. He said he doesn't have much to say to her anymore. Howard wondered if he sees her and just yells out ''BITCH, BITCH!'' with his neurological disorder. Robin asked Goldust what his father is doing these days. He said he helps promote some shows and stuff like that. Howard asked him if his father ever beat him as a child. He grunted and groaned a little bit and said his father never beat him.
Howard wrapped up the interview and said that they love listening to the tape of him talking. Gary brought up one last thing and said that he read something he'd said about his daughter and how he didn't want her to go through what he went through as a kid. Goldust said he had a dysfunctional childhood and his mother and father weren't getting along and got a divorce. Howard ended the interview a short time later and took a commercial break.
Howard gave out a couple of details about their trip to Las Vegas the week of April 22nd to the 24th. He said they'll have a meeting on Thursday and they'll finalize the details about what they'll be doing. Howard said they'll be giving away some prizes and stuff. Howard said he hopes Robbie Knievel shows up again this year. He said he's a wacky guy but he likes him. Howard and Artie said they want to bet more this time when they're there. Robin wondered if Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla will be coming. Howard said they want to come but he's not sure about that. Jimmy has that show he does every day so he's not sure if he'll come.
Howard said one night he wrote a list of 50 things Jimmy could do to improve his show. He said he loves doing that kind of stuff. He said he has a concept for a show where you'd get to watch programs with him. He said people would tune in and see him discussing shows like ''American Idol.'' He said he gets really angry when he sees some of those shows. He said it's intelligent anger though. Gary said he does the same thing and yells at the TV sometimes. Howard told Gary that no one wants to watch TV with him though. Robin told Howard that his concept is like that ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' that aired a few years ago. Artie wondered if Howard would take suggestions from the audience. He said he would but when Artie mentioned the Yankees vs. Twins game, Howard said he wouldn't watch that. Howard said he's actually pitched the idea to some people. There's not much cost involved other than the licensing fees.
Howard played another phony ABC commercial to play. This one was a rip off of his Lord of the Anal Ring Toss but it was called ''Lord of the Anal Circle Toss.''
Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in and told Howard he has to hear the Beastie Boys new anti-war song because they're playing it on his station. Howard said they have the right to put out a song like that so it's not a big deal. Sal seems to think that it makes Howard look like a hypocrite because he's for the war. Howard said people don't get confused about that stuff though. Sal also asked Howard where Meg Griffin is these days. He said that he misses the days when Howard would goof on her before she got her show started after Howard's. Howard said that she's working for a satellite radio station now. Howard said he heard that she does a little show on her answering machine too. Howard and Sal talked about Meg and some of the stuff she used to do. Sal also asked Howard to put up a picture of her on his web site because he doesn't know what she looks like. Howard and Gary talked about how sexy she was even though she was into such strange music. Howard said she ended up quitting her good paying job to go work at a college radio station because they'd let her play what she wanted. They spent a couple of minutes on that before Sal interrupted and brought up some other stuff.
Howard started to play the Beastie Boys song but Sal had a lot on his mind and was saying stuff that could get them in trouble so he hung up on him. Howard said Sal is hard to have on the air because he doesn't slow down. Howard played the Beastie Boys song and said he can't even understand what they're saying so how do you even know it's anti-war? While he was playing that he got a phone call.
Earlier in the morning Howard was talking about things that amaze him and one of those was ''Where does my doody go when I flush the toilet?'' Well, he had someone on the phone who could answer his question. This guy William works for a sanitation department and knows how the system works. He told Howard his doody from last night is probably on it's way uptown to a processing plant. Howard said he skipped a lot of steps in that though. Howard wondered if the water he flushed it down with actually takes it all the way. The guy described how the pipes work and how there are alligators down there as big as you've ever seen. He said he's been working for about 41 years now and has built some of these processing plants. He said he's now the top dog for some of these places. Howard had William take him through it step by step so he could understand it. He said it's like the Mr. Science section of the show today. Howard got his doody as far as the underground pipes before having William take over. William told Howard the doody heads out through the pipes toward a processing plant. Howard wondered how it flows if it's not all downhill. William said that it goes downhill to a certain point where it eventually gets pumped to it's next destination. It then gets processed into sludge. Some of the water is salvaged and treated. They then press the solids into shippable stuff that they dispose of. Howard wondered where it's disposed of. William said the water is recycled and pumped into the river. Howard asked if it ends up in his drinking water. He said it doesn't but Howard thinks it somehow does. William said the solids are trucked upstate and dumped. He said some of that is turned into fertilizer after being missed with lime. Howard wondered how much per day they create in the city. William said he services 35-40,000 people in South Jersey and they create about 9 tons of liquid sludge a day. Howard tried to figure out how much they create in New York City but his math skills suck. William said that he's working with the solids as a possible fuel. A lot of people don't want that in their backyards as fertilizer so they have to do something with it. Howard said he wonders what happens to his used condoms. William said that's one of the problems they have with all of the used condoms and other plastics that are flushed. Howard wrapped up the call a short time after that. He said they'll have to have William back on to talk about the used condoms and tampons that are flushed. He said he can go to the abortion clinics to pick up women now and impress them with his doody knowledge. Artie said he can tell them their fetus' are flushed down with the doody and end up in the same place. Howard took a break a short time later.
After the break Howard played Meg Griffin's answering machine message and decided to call her machine to leave her a message with some music of his own. He played some ''Bombs over Baghdad'' and some of The Losers and some ''I Just Like Vagina'' for her. Fred threw in some of Goldust's grunts and moans. Robin got to her news right after that.
Robin and Howard talked about the war starting last night around 10. Howard said he asked for them to wait until after ''Survivor'' and they must have listened to him. Howard said he also watched ''American Idol'' and they kicked off the right people. Robin said that she really hates the group singing on the show. Howard agreed and said it's like ''Up with People.'' Howard said he and Beth talked about one of the fat chicks on ''American Idol'' who he doesn't find attractive. He said Beth can see through the fat and thinks that she has a beautiful face. Gary came in and said that Reuben is carrying a lot of weight and walks like Fat Albert. Howard said the show reminds him of ''The Monkees'' TV show.
Howard took a call from a 4th grade teacher who told Howard about how she has to get her students ready for some kinds of tests and that's why a lot of kids have to bring their work home with them. Howard said it's just the amount of work that his daughter brings home that's ridiculous. She said that Howard was blaming the teacher but it's not the teacher's fault. Howard said it is the teacher's fault. Howard ended up hanging up on her and said that she just doesn't understand his point. Howard ended up talking about how his father would yell at him when he had homework as a kid. Gary said that his kid is taking cello lessons in band class. Howard said that's a useless instrument but Gary said that's the only instrument he's allowed to use at this time. Howard talked to Gary about his trumpet lessons and how he doesn't use that in his life today. Howard said that they should give kids guitars right away and let them play guitar. Howard said one of his daughters said she wants to play guitar so he got his old guitar restrung for her. He decided to find a teacher who could teach her the stuff she wants to know, not stuff like ''Mary Had a Little Lamb.'' Howard said piano is also cool for a kid like Gary's son. He kept telling Robin and Gary that the kid isn't going to get chicks with a cello. Howard said the kid is going to learn how to be a quitter because he's going to want to quit the cello. Artie said it's like wanting to teach your kid one sport and that one sport is badminton. Howard said he's right. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes on that and then took a break.
Howard said people are wondering if they'll be doing any war coverage today. He said Joan Rivers was coming in so she wondered if she should come in. Howard said they're not going to do that much coverage so Joan is coming in. He had someone reporting from the Mid East and put Wendy the Retard on the phone. He asked her what was going on over there and she gave him a quick rundown of her version of the war. She said the bombs have started hitting California. Howard also asked her what's going on in Baghdad. She said she's been watching it on TV. Howard asked her where she was but she didn't know she was supposed to be in Baghdad. She said she was in Florida until Howard corrected her. She also asked her some questions about whether or not Saddam Hussein raped her with a SCUD missile. She started rambling on and on so Howard had to hang up on her.
Howard took a call from a guy who teaches music. He said he has to disagree with what Howard was saying about the instruments kids play. He seems to think that kids are fine with using other instruments that are easier to play. Howard hung up on that guy also.
Howard took a call from a guy who was pretending to be an Arab guy threatening Howard and the people of the U.S. His accent was Mexican so Howard wasn't falling for it and found out the guy wasn't an Arab. He hung up on him too.
Sean the White Rapper called in and asked Howard if he thinks they're safe in the city. Howard said no one is safe anywhere. He ended up talking about Sean and how he just calls in to get on the air. He said he'd talk to the guy but he's so fake that he ends up hanging up on the guy.
Howard got back to the cello discussion. He said his mother wanted him to learn to play some lame instruments. He said kids just want to learn how to play cool instruments. Howard played Kidd Chris' remix of one of the early ''American Idol'' contestants singing Madonna's ''Like a Virgin.'' He said that kid's path to the show probably started with cello lessons. Howard continued to goof on Gary about the cello thing and figures his son hates the cello. Robin thought that Howard was talking without knowing how the kid feels. Howard said Gary told him the kid goes to his room kicking and screaming when he has to practice the instrument. Howard said it goes from cello to skin flute.
Howard played one of Jim Florentine's (JimFlorentine.com) phony phone calls where he burps as he's talking to a guy about a job. The guy thinks that it's someone on his end though so Jim pretends he doesn't hear it.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought up the Iraq war and gave a shout out to all of the people over there. Howard said those guys over there are really brave. He said he feels like a woman who should be home taking care of the kids while the troops go over there to take care of things. The woman had some questions for Howard. She said she has an 18 year old boyfriend and she's 29 years old. Howard wanted her to tell her story quickly because her voice was very monotone. She said after her boyfriend bangs her she orgasms for two hours afterward. Howard said it's not normal but it's something that should happen with every woman. Howard said it sounds like she's super attracted to him. The woman put the guy on the phone and Howard said he doesn't care about it enough so he just hung up on him. Howard complained about her call for a few seconds and took another call.
This kid called in one time and said he though his father might be gay and just found out he is. The kid said he found his dad trolling around with another guy. The 15 year old wants Howard to be his father. Howard wondered if the kid has asked his father if he's gay. The kid said he hasn't asked him yet. Howard made some jokes about him playing cello and Artie asked him if he was Scott the Engineer's son. The kid asked Howard if there's a test to find out if his father is gay. Howard said if he listens to Judy Garland music or likes show tunes, he might be gay. The kid said he doesn't like any of that. He also asked the kid if he's found any gay magazines in his father's possession. He said he did find a Playgirl magazine one time. Howard told him that's a bad sign. He also said if he catches him giving oral to another man that's a good sign. Howard said there's nothing worse than a guy who lives a lie. Howard started to get tired of the conversation and wanted to hang up on the kid. The kid changed the subject and brought up Angie Everhart. Howard and the kid talked about some of the chicks Howard has banged. The kid also wanted to know if he could be an intern or something. Howard told him that's a great way to pick up chicks. Howard wondered what was up with the kid and found out he's not very popular. He said he likes wrestling and sits home watching that a lot. Howard asked him what girl's he's interested in. He joked that he was into Justin Timberlake. He said that he like Britney Spears and said something about wanting to rape chicks. Howard wondered if he's every thought about raping animals. He said he accidentally killed a squirrel with his BB gun one time. Howard said the kid is a mess after he made a joke that went something like ''How do you make a cat go woof? You light it on fire.'' Howard told the kid he was creeping him out so he had to get off the phone. The kid gave a quick ''Kidd Chris rules!'' as Howard hung up the phone.
Howard said he had to take a break but ended up talking about Mr. Skin coming in later and about the war for a short time. He brought up the Oscar Awards and talked about that for a short time. He said that the Oscars should just be announced in a press release this year instead of covering them onTV.
Howard said he got an offer to go to a party in the City and blew off Stuttering John's party to do that instead. Howard said he was going to go to John's party with Judith Regan but dropped it and decided to go to this other party with her instead. He said he gets a gift basket just for showing up. Howard said he actually hopes they don't cancel the Oscars because he wants to go this Oscar party. They also talked about the E! coverage of the awards and how their red carpet show was supposed to be 18 hours long. Howard sid they'll have to ask Joan Rivers about that when she comes in. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said Congressman Gary Ackerman was on the phone. He apologized for going from the Scott the Engineer song right to him. Ackerman said that was okay and went on to talk about what he's heard about the war so far. Howard said President Bush changed the plans last night and they tried to take out Hussein. Ackerman said they're not sure if that worked though. Ackerman said that he was out on his houseboat and he'd be heading in to be briefed about the war later in the morning. He said he's lived on the boat for 20 years. He said he has a regular home in New York but when he's down in Washington, he lives on the boat. Howard said he'd like to live on a boat. He ended up asking him how that works and what it's like. He said it's very relaxing to live on the water. He said it's like a big floating water bed. He said the shower is so small you have to step out of it to turn around. Howard asked him if he ever goes to the bathroom off the side of the boat. Ackerman said he never does that, he always uses the bathroom. Howard said his friends ask him to go out on a boat and he never knows why anyone would want to do that. He said he was on a sail boat one time and he had no idea how to even tie a knot the right way.
Howard asked Congressman Ackerman how long this war was going to take. He said they really don't know. Howard said he hopes it takes 4 days and said he hopes that Bush finishes the job this time unlike his father. Ackerman said the whole idea of this plan is to get rid of Saddam Hussein. Howard said if he lives he could go take over some other country. Ackerman and Howard talked about Iraq and what a mess Hussein has made out of it. Howard spent a couple of minutes asking Ackerman a few questions. He told him to give them a call if he hears anything earth shattering. Ackerman said he will do that.
Howard said tomorrow they're doing ''Celebrity Win Fred's Money'' with Julie Bowen from the TV show ''Ed.'' He said he met her one time when she was dating David Spade. Gary said he read that she went out with Spade because she felt sorry for him after he was stun gunned by his assistant. Howard told Gary to stun gun him while he's interviewing her so she'll bang him. Gary said she's really cute and he saw her in this new movie with Tim Allen.
Gary noticed that Artie had ink spots on his face from the newspaper. Howard wondered if he's making love to the paper or something. He reads the paper and then touches his face. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard mentioned their Las Vegas trip again and said they have a lot going on that week(April 22-25). Howard said there's a lot of stuff coming up on the regular show too.
Howard said a lot of people have been sending in CDs of home made music. He started to play one but it was the wrong CD. It was actually this guy Richard Cheese who creates lounge music to hit songs. He covered Britney Spears ''Crazy'' in the song Howard played today. That CD is called ''Lounge Against the Machine.'' Howard played the real version of Britney's song and talked about how crazy it was that Fred Durst said she partied too much even for him. Howard played another cut from that album. Howard said he likes his version of Mistikal's ''Shake Yo Ass.'' Howard played the real version of that one too.
Howard said that KC told him this band that sent them a CD is actually pretty good. Howard played a track from the CD they sent and said they're no bad. Robin said it's what you hear on the radio these days. Howard said he had to wait for the chorus to see if they're actually good though. He still said they're pretty good after hearing a couple minutes of the song. Robin said she wasn't sure but it wasn't horrible. Howard said there's nothing catchy about it. KC said that a lot of these bands aren't that good and that's why they don't get signed. He said their other tracks weren't as good as this one was. Howard played another one and it wasn't as good as the first one. Howard is going to be doing an ''American Idol'' type thing with these CDs for their Las Vegas trip. Howard took a break shortly after that before Joan Rivers came in.
Joan came in all dressed up and Howard asked her if she knows who else sat on that couch. She said she knows that but she represents style and has to dress up when she goes out.
Joan said she thinks that Melissa is going to do a shoot for Playboy now that she's gotten breast implants. She said they can do an artful pictorial and they don't have to show her cooch. Joan said after Melissa had her baby she got back to where she was before the pregnancy. Joan said Playboy went to Melissa after seeing her on that TV show and asked her to do it. Howard said she really doesn't have a career other than being Joan Rivers' daughter. Joan said she has also produced some programs for E!. Howard said she owes her mother everything she's got though. Howard said that Joan is overly involved with her daughter. He first told Joan how much John likes the fact that he's friends with Melissa now. Howard said he brags and shows people the e-mail he gets from her. Howard also talked to Joan about Melissa's divorce and how no man is good enough for Joan. Howard said those two got a hold of that guy and scared him. Howard said that Joan spent like a million dollars on Melissa's wedding and the marriage didn't last very long. Howard asked her if she feels silly now. She said she really doesn't. Robin said they had guys wearing powdered wigs at the wedding so Howard goofed on that for a few seconds. Howard said he told Joan that the marriage wouldn't last before it happened. Joan said she doesn't even know what the guy is up to now.
Howard asked Joan about the Academy Awards and what she's going to do if they don't have a red carpet. Joan said they're going to do what they do every year. Howard said there's not going to be an act of terrorism at the awards but that's the reason they're not having it. Joan said she thinks it is a major event and they should be there saying that they're not afraid. Howard said they should just announce it in a press release and not even have the show. Howard said people are going to tune into E! and see Joan, Melissa and Mindy Herman yenta-ing it up. Howard said they're doing the pre-show anyway but they don't know what they're going to do. Joan seems to think they'll have something to do while they're there.
Howard took a call from Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) who said he has a friend who worked with Joan on her radio show and she said that Joan was very hard to work with. Joan wanted to know the name because they did fire someone who was an ''asshole then and she's an asshole now.'' Joan said that she heard from a friend that Chaunce stinks in bed. Chaunce said that he did an interview with Joan years ago and he was told that he couldn't mention Johnny Carson's name in the interview. Joan said that's not true and it's never been true. She said she didn't know who he was but he was an ass.
Howard got off the phone with Chaunce and said that Joan finally got to go on David Letterman's show after 15 years. She said he was very nice about the whole thing but Howard didn't think that was true. Jay Leno hasn't had her on yet but Howard said he thinks he will now that she's been on Letterman's show.
Howard and Gary talked about this one story that was in the news about Joan allegedly hitting someone and getting sued over it. Joan said this is the first time she's ever been sued and she can't really talk about the case.
Howard asked Joan who she's banging these days. She joked that she's banging Rosie O'Donnell and wouldn't give Howard a straight answer. She went on to talk about how much she dislikes Rosie. Howard also brought up this 17 year old singer Avril Lavigne who disrespected her when she interviewed her recently. She said that she was having a good time at the awards show and Avril's attitude was amazing. She said she felt like telling her to wait until she's Barbra Streissand before she gets an attitude like that. Howard asked her if she wanted to smack Avril. Joan said she didn't realize how bad she was acting until other people asked her how she let her get away with it. Howard said Joan exposed that kid as being a ''snot'' during that interview.
Gary asked Joan if she still makes love at her age. She said she does but you really don't want to see a couple of old people going at it. Joan talked about plastic surgery for a short time and told Howard he might need a little work on his laugh lines. Howard said he read in the paper that there's a permanent procedure but it's illegal at this time. He said they're testing the stuff up in Canada right now. Joan told Howard he just needs a tiny bit of work though.
Howard gave Joan a couple of plugs for her show Sunday night. He said she'll also be at the Cannon Theater at the end of April doing her comedy act. Howard had to take a break after that.
Tom Chiusano came in and told Robin he had some good news and some bad news for her. He said the bad news was that her lunch date with Mel Karmazin was canceled. The good news was that he just resigned with CBS/Viacom for another 3 years. Howard and the guys talked about how good that will be for the company. Howard said the stock has been down lately and he thinks that it was because Mel wasn't sure if he was staying with the company. Now the stock should shoot back up. Tom was hoping for $75 but Howard said he'd be happy with $50. Howard spent a short time talking to Robin about her power lunch with Mel.
Howard took a call from comedian Shuli who calls in often. Shuli said he had a list of ten guests he'd like to hear on the show before Howard retired in a couple of years. He brought up names like:
Mr. Skin came in prepared to show stills and clips from movies to Howard and the guys. He said the movies are from DVD releases or movie releases from 2002. He had a bunch of categories but they didn't really have anything to do with the Academy Award nominees. Howard and the guys talked about the nominees and looked at the pictures of the women Mr. Skin gave his awards to. First up was ''Best Fun Bags'' and Mr. Skin gave the award to Heather Graham in ''Killing me Softly.'' The guys checked out her picture from MrSkin.com and admired her near-perfect breasts for a short time.
Next up was the category ''Best Lesbo Scene.'' Mr. Skin said that the movie ''Femme Fatale'' Rebecca Romijn-Stamos has a scene with another woman and it's hot. Howard said he thinks Rebecca is very sexy in the movie. Howard reminded Mr. Skin about the time he had Rebecca topless in his apartment. Howard said that Mr. Skin has still pictures from the movie up on MrSkin.com.
The next category was ''Best Unintentional Nip-Slip.'' Mr. Skin said you usually wouldn't see stuff like this but at MrSkin.com they got through stuff with a microscope. He said in MTV's Diary, you get to see a Christina Aguilera nip-slip and it was a pierced nip so it gets extra points.
Howard said the next category was ''Best Lip-Slip.'' This is not facial lip but vaginal lip. Mr. Skin said Kelly Hu shows a little bit in the movie ''Scorpion King'' at 47 minutes and 8 seconds in. He said you can see it if you slow it down on the DVD version.
Next up was ''Best Geriatric Jugs.'' Mr. Skin said there's a movie called ''Slackers'' in which 71 year old Maime Van Doren shows her cans and they don't look too bad. Howard said if you don't look at her face, they don't look bad at all. Mr. Skin said the last time she did a nude scene was back in 1964! Howard said Mr. Skin has a lot of awards to give away. Next up was ''Best Ass'' and Mr. Skin gave it to Nicole Kidman in ''Birthday Girl.'' Howard checked out the picture and said it's pretty good there. Howard said there's no cellulite on that ass. Next up was ''Best Sex Scene.'' Mr. Skin said this was on of the wildest sex scenes he's ever seen. It was in the movie ''Storytelling'' and Selma Blair has sex with a black dude as he demands she call him a ''nig*er'' as she's having sex. Here are some of ther other categories and Mr. Skin's picks as the winners:
Later in the show Howard said that they made a horrible mistake and forgot to give out one award, ''Best Bikini Scene.'' Howard said that award went to Eliza Dushku in the movie ''The New Guy.'' She tries on like 11 bikinis in a minute and a half according to Gary.
Howard said he got an e-mail from Chaunce Hayden who said he was at the Hackensack Administration Building one day and he saw Wesley Snipes getting married to ''some Asian chick.'' No one has heard anything about that yet so Howard may have had an exclusive from Chaunce.
Howard also got an e-mail about some of the horrible things Saddam Hussein and his sons have allegedly done to people in their country. Howard read it and the person who wrote it said that Saddam and his sons killed people by putting them in some kind of shreader that would chop them up. His sons are also accused of torturing their Olympic team members when they didn't perform well. They used to have 46 olympic athletes, they're now down to 4. Howard read some more from some athlete who escaped from Iraq. He wrote that he was tortured by being dragged on the ground until he bled. They then put him in sand so it would get in the cuts. Then he says he was thrown in a vat of raw sewage so the wounds would get infected. Howard read a bunch of other stuff that the Hussein's have done to the athletes over there.
Crazy Cabbie called in a short time later to talk about what's going on over there and how President Bush is right about all of this stuff and we have to take care of people like Saddam Hussein. Howard and Gary spent some time talking about that with Cabbie. He said he was driving down the highway and someone wrote ''Cherrone is a war criminal'' and he wondered what that's supposed to mean. Howard talked about how President Bush has disrupted a lot of these terrorists with all of this stuff. Howard said he knows it hasn't disrupted all of them but it's a start. He quoted Dennis Miller's statement about how those guys aren't going to get approval from the UN to attack us. He said these guys are going to give it a second thought before they attack us again because they have to think about all of the money they have coming in from oil and stuff like that.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in to talk a little bit about Saddam Hussein and how the speech he was making last night didn't look a thing like him. He also had some questions about the Oscar party they're going to. He said that Robin can get get some nice clothing for the party if she wants and he can hook her up with the designers. Robin said she'd do that later on. Howard told Vinnie that conversation is great... as long as it's off the air. Howard said this party gives out a gift basket that's apparently worth $25,000. He said that's why he's going. Howard took a break when they were done with that conversation.
Howard said that they have ''Celebrity Win Fred's Money'' with Julie Bowen and the Gossip Game with Shauna from ''Survivor.'' Howard said he missed Survivor the other night because his TiVo didn't record it for some reason.
Howard said he saw this movie ''Normal'' in which this guy comes home to his wife one day and says he wants to be a woman. Howard talked about that and how weird it was. Howard said there was some good acting in the movie and Jessica Lange looked pretty good. Both Robin and Howard thought it was pretty disturbing. Howard joked that after he watched it, he wanted to try on a dress.
Howard said they had to take a break but said that they have to talk about Artie's winning streak betting on March Madness. He said he's 4-0 betting $500 on each game. He's been very lucky so far and told Howard what he's bet on so far. Howard said his loser image has been erased... but Robin said it's not over yet. Howard took his first break after that.
Howard wanted to hear some predictions about himself so he had her sing some of her predictions to him. She said that he's going to win in a big way against ABC in his lawsuit and she sees him getting married to Beth within a year or so. Howard said in the pre-interview she said she predicted that they won't get married. She said she changed her mind.
Fran made some other predictions about Howard doing a movie with Nicole Kidman. She also had some stuff about Osama bin Laden. She said she thinks he may have been taken out in the strikes on Afghanistan. Howard wrapped up the call after just a few minutes. He gave her a plug for her web site SingingPsychic.com
After the call Howard said she seems to change a lot of stuff. He had notes from the pre-interview and she changes a lot of that stuff so she covers herself if she's wrong. Howard said he hates psychics but likes her because she's such a clown. Howard was reading some of the notes he had on her but didn't bother reading them. He crumpled the paper and got to other stuff.
Howard had tape of this guy Ali G who does goofy interviews. He asked Buzz Aldren a bunch of dopey questions about landing on the moon and if we'd ever be able to land on the sun. The guy asked Buzz what he thinks about people who don't believe the moon exists at all. Buzz was taking all of the questions seriously. Howard said the show is pretty funny but he doesn't usually watch it. He said Gary records it and gives it to him. Howard said it's funnier when you see the expressions on the guy's face. Howard played another clip where the guy was asking some goofy questions to the guy from ''Inside the Actor Studio.'' The questions are pretty funny but Howard wondered if the guests are in on the joke. Howard had another one where this guy Ali G interviewed a bunch of religious people. Howard said it was disturbing but it's funny. He goofs on all of them and confuses Jesus with Santa Claus. He also said something about it being quite a coincidence that he was born on Christmas day. At one point Ali asks the priest if he'd ever get married. He said that he's celibate so Ali suggests that he marry this Jewish woman. He said he wouldn't marry her so Ali said ''what about if she was a bit fitter?'' Howard thought it was pretty good and gave the HBO show a plug.
Howard talked a bit about the war and some of the stuff that has been going on. Robin said that some of the military guys in Iraq may just surrender so there isn't much of a war. Howard said we lost some guys in a helicopter crash. Howard said the tape of Saddam Hussein doesn't look like him and he doesn't think it is him. Robin said it is him though. They goofed on those giant glasses he was wearing in the clip. Robin said they did voice analysis on the tape and it really was him. Howard took a call from a guy who said we lost another guy this morning. He didn't have many details on that though. Howard said this war isn't fun because the Iraqis aren't putting up a fight.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wonders how he can suggest to his girlfriend that she clean up her vaginal area because it stinks. Howard said girls just have to clean it often. Howard said some girls you can smell when you're kissing them up by their neck. Howard said there's no way you can tell a chick that because it's over by then. Howard said what the guy has to do is put up with it, just don't perform oral on her. Robin said he could suggest giving her a bath but Howard said that's just one time. Howard said he'd write an anonymous letter to her saying he's a co-worker and they can smell her. Howard said the girl should say that she's going to freshen up for the guy before they have sex. Howard said they don't know they stink. Robin said she read something about women loving men's sweat because it turns them on
Howard went on to say that he moves his bowels once a day usually. Yesterday he had to take a dump at the station. He ran into his private bathroom and sat down. He said he started to flush immediately. He said it was so big that it stayed in the toilet after three flushes. Howard said he thought he'd have to put his hand in the bowl to move it but he was pissing at the time. He said it was like a log jam in the bowl. He said it eventually flushed and he didn't have to put his hands in there. Howard said he wiped three times and used a ball of wet toilet paper to make sure everything was clean back there. KC said that Howard was in the bathroom for about 20 minutes. He said the room must have stunk. Howard said he was dabbing and wiping back there to see if it's all clean. Howard said he can get in the shower at home to rinse himself down if it's a mess. Howard said that he's caught a whiff of himself when he's having sex. He said he always rinses and tries to clean it up before doing something like that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he's got a problem with his woman stinking. Howard and the guy talked about the problem for a short time. Howard said he's sorry about his problem because it can ruing a marriage. Another caller suggested that women shave down there and it helps get rid of everything down there. Howard said he might be on to something there. A couple of other guys called in to talk about their problems too. Howard said it's a serious problem. Howard said these guys don't know what to do because if you say something, the women will ''dry up on you'' and not want to have sex at all. Robin thought that they'd be able to talk about that stuff though. Gary said he's had that problem himself. He said he had sex with a woman who stunk and he seemed to think that people were looking at him like he stunk when he was on the subway. Gary said she's one of the most memorable women he's ever been with because she smelled so bad.
Howard said he had one bad experience at Scores. One of the dancers was giving him a great lap dance. When she bent over in his face he caught a whiff and said it smelled like she'd just gone to the bathroom. Howard said he was ready to take out a $100 bill before that. He told her he had to go get a drink at the bar to get rid of her. Howard said most strippers are careful about that stuff.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he actually vomited on this girl he was having sex with because the stink got to him. The guy said he took a shower with her but the stink rose up in the steam and made him gag again. Howard took another break after talking about that for a few seconds.
Howard asked Brantley about celebrities he's met and who has impressed him. He said that Sophia Loren impressed him. Howard asked him who the hottest chick was that he met. He mentioned J-Lo and a few others. Howard asked him if J-Lo had ''cankles'' but Brantley just laughed.
Howard got back to the Academy Awards talk and discussed who they thought should win. Howard also talked to Brantley about being gay and how he can get into things with hot actresses because of that. Howard asked him who he has found hot after meeting and had to go home and whack off to. Brantley thought about that for a short time and said Vin Diesel's not a bad one. Howard mentioned a few other names but he didn't seem interested. Howard found out he's not interested in black dudes.
Howard got back to the Oscar predictions and stuff like that. Brantley said that he'd give the Oscar to Diane Lane for Best Actress. For best film Brantley said he thinks ''Chicago'' will get it even though it doesn't deserve it. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that. He said that Brantley writes the column ''Idle Chatter'' in ''Premiere.''
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Iraq thing. Howard spent a little while with him and took some other phone calls.
Howard asked Gary to come in because he told Howard he thought Tom would be upset with Cabbie's business. Howard said he doesn't see why that would be the case though. Tom showed up and said that Cabbie can never plug it on his own show. He said that they have other advertisers who have stuff like this on the station so he's not sure he will be able to even advertise his own site on the station. Tom said there are things they have to talk about. He said that Cabbie should have consulted with them before he went out and did this. Tom told Cabbie he's an idiot and Howard asked him when he's going to be fired. Howard wondered what would happen if he got into the clothing business. Cabbie said that he actually is doing that and has some pro-war t-shirts in the works and those will be sold on SupportOurWar.com. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with him doing this stuff but he'll have to talk about it with Tom. Tom told Cabbie he's done plugging his site for now. He said he could plug Trim Spa but no more of his web site stuff.
Howard took a few calls from people who wanted to get Cabbie off the show and stuff like that. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Howard said they have a ''Piece of ass alert'' and brought in Julie Bowen from the TV show ''Ed.'' Howard said he's never seen the show but he knows that she's hot. He met her at a party with David Spade one night. Howard said they were pretending that they weren't dating at the time. Julie said that they'd just started dating at the time. She said she was very nervous to meet Howard when she was there. She said she was talking to Beth at the party that night and she only came up to her left nipple because she's so tall. Howard said that he had no idea that she dug him. He was amazed. Julie told Howard she as in love with him before he even did ''Private Parts'' Julie said she's only 5'6'' tall so she didn't think that Howard would be interested. Howard asked her why she'd be interested in him. She said that you can't trust a guy who has been good looking since birth. Howard sarcastically thanked her for that. Howard said that's true because he can appreciate women unlike someone like John Stamos who has had everything handed to him. Howard wondered what happened between David Spade and her. She said that David was the one who broke up with her. She said that he had asked her out a bunch of times but she only broke down after his assistant tazer gunned him. She said David grew on her as a person and they had some fun. She said it was a long distance relationship too. She lives in New York and he lives on the West coast. Julie said she's not into the group sex thing and she likes it simple. Howard said he's the same way and he even got jealous when he brought Beth to Scores with him. Julie told Howard that she went to Scores one time and the bouncer asked her ''You want some of that?'' as she was watching one of the dancers. She said that some of the dancers were touching her breasts but she wasn't really getting turned on.
Howard asked Julie how David Spade was in bed. She apparently thinks that his penis is bigger than most people think. Howard was surprised by that and asked her some questions about that. Robin also asked her how David broke up with her. She said it was an ongoing thing and it happened over time.
Howard said he'd bang Julie but he'd be done in 3 seconds if he did. Gary asked him if he gets better over time. Howard said he really doesn't. They asked Howard how he keeps Beth happy and he said he is able to give it to her pretty good. He had a big smile on his face as he said that.
Howard gave Julie a plug for ''Ed'' and said that she's going to play ''Win Fred's Money'' today. She graduated from Brown University so she's pretty smart according to Howard. She said she probably got in the low 1400's on her SATs. Howard said he barely broke 1000... if even that. Julie thought her score was pretty average though.
Howard couldn't get off the David Spade thing. He kept asking her questions about how he got involved with her. She said that he called her a lot and it was kind of creepy. Gary asked her how long it's been since she had sex. She said it's been a couple of months and it was with David. She said that they broke up around Christmas time and that's about the time they did it. She said she really cared for him deeply.
Howard asked Julie about her claim that President Clinton grabbed her ass. She said she wasn't sure she could say he grabbed her ass. Howard had her standing at a microphone so asked her if she wanted to sit. She said she was fine up there but Artie said he couldn't see her legs. Howard had her step out so he could see her legs. Julie told Howard she can't believe the stuff Joan Rivers was saying about him needing botox injections. Julie told him he doesn't need anything at all. Fred played love songs in the back as she was saying that. Howard and Julie ended up goofing on Joan and her excessive plastic surgery for a few seconds. Julie said Joan was funny yesterday though.
Howard took some phone calls for Julie before getting to ''Win Fred's Money.'' A caller asked her if she shaves and how her feet look. She said that she shaves most of her hair but not all of it. Julie said that Howard inspired her to keep herself groomed down there. Howard ended up asking her if David Spade is blonde down below. She said that he is a natural blonde. Howard told Julie that if she were his woman, he'd have her shave completely. Howard also asked her if her boobs sag. She said they're actually very perky.
Julie got back to her President Clinton ass grab story. She said that his arm dropped behind her back when they took a picture together. She said he didn't grab her ass though. Howard said that guy is a real ''perv.''
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up this movie Julie did years ago. She was in a scene where she was in bed and he saw an accidental crotch shot. He was a boom operator on the movie so he had a good view.
Gary said she had one more interesting story. She was at a party somewhere messing around with a guy when she was in college. She said the guy's girlfriend walked in while they were making out and the guy stood up so quick that he cut himself on his zipper flinging blood everywhere. She said she had to run after the girlfriend to apologize with the guy's blood all over her.
Howard got to the Win Fred's Money thing. In Win Fred's Money, a contestant has 60 seconds to answer 7 questions. Fred goes off to a sound proof booth where he listens to music. When the contestant is done, Fred comes out and tries to answer the same questions. Howard said Julie will not be giving her winnings away to a charity if she wins. Howard told her that he wants her to go out and buy something herself. Here are the questions and answers for this game:
Howard took a call from a Canadian guy who said their news reports up there were saying that one of Saddam's sons may have been injured in one of the bombings in Iraq.
Howard did the Top 5 songs for everyone but it turned into a top 10 when he threw in a bunch of song parodies with the real top 5.
Howard continued to talk about Julie Bowen for a little while before bringing in Shawna Mitchell from ''Survivor.'' He found out that Julie is 34 years old and said she might be a little too old for him. He apologized to her for saying that and said she's still really hot.
Within a few minutes Gary and Howard were offering Shawna money to take her top off. She turned it down even when they got it up to $3000. Gary gave it his best try to get her to do it. KC even told her that they're already on display so she may as well just take them out. Gary said he'd come back later to check back with her after she turned it down.
Howard asked Shawna how bad it was out there in the Amazon. Within days she was getting sick and crying about how horrible it was out there. She said she ended up throwing up for a few days straight. She said that living with those other women was ridiculous and she wanted some guys around. She eventually cheered up when she got some guys in her camp. Howard said it's like her Kryptonite when she doesn't have guys around her. She said she was begging to be kicked off until they had some guys there in camp. Then she got some guys around her and didn't want to leave as bad as she did before. Shawna said she thought it was just going to be games and stuff when she was there and it turned out to be tougher than she thought.
Howard asked Shawna if she's sexually active at this time. She said she is but doesn't have a steady boyfriend. She said she's not allowed to hang out with the other people on the show until after the season finale. She's not contractually allowed to do that. Artie said that's what women tell him when they don't want to go out with him.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone to play the Gossip Game. Mike had some stuff to talk about with Howard before the game. He read that Shawna has a twin sister so Howard spent some time asking her about her. She wasn't there at the station though. Howard said he'd bang both of them. Mike asked her if she's done the same things she's done. She said she's just as loose as she is when Howard asked her about it. Howard asked her if she's into anal sex. She said she had it when she was 18 years old but later said she was kidding. Howard said he can't talk to his daughters about stuff like that. He asked her if she shaves down below and a few other things like that. Howard asked her if she likes to give oral but she didn't want to answer that one. Howard asked her how big she's had. She said the guy was huge. After she showed him how big he was Howard wondered if she was with a horse or something. Shawna tried to get out of answering by asking if they were going to play the game. Howard continued to ask her a bunch of questions about what she's like in bed and stuff. Howard said she must be wild in bed. Mike agreed with him. Howard talked about how they always vote off the hot chicks from ''Survivor'' and it sucks. Howard and Robin brought up the big fake boobs on some of the girls and how odd they look once they start losing weight. Howard said he kind of likes that though. Mike just had to know how big the guy was that was huge. She said he was about 8 inches. Howard also asked Mike what he thought about Sandra Bernhard's revelation about Jay Leno recently. Mike said it was quite a story. Howard said Sandra spoke to Jay after that show and Jay told her that he really should have her on the show. Howard said that Jay was a stand up guy and did the right thing. Howard said he went up 10 points in his book after he heard about that. Mike said that he once wrote that Jay and Sandra dated and a lot of people e-mailed him and said they didn't believe it. Howard spent a short time talking about Jay and Sandra before moving on to the game.
Here's how the game goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard kept Shawna around for a little while longer. Gary came back in and gave her a second chance to take the $3000, from iWon.com, to take her top off. She kept saying that her publicist told her not to do it but it was up to her. After asking her a bunch of times she eventually broke down and said she'd do it. Then they asked her if she was sure about that. Gary asked her what it was that was so bad that she couldn't do it. She thought about it for a short time and said she can't do it. She seems to think it'll eventually come back to bite her in the ass. Gary said he'd give her the money and a letter of recommendation so when she does go to a job interview, it shouldn't be a problem. She was still debating whether or not to do it until Howard wrapped up the interview. KC came in and told her to ''S*** or get off the pot!'' Howard ended the interview after that and went to break.
Howard took another phone call from a woman who said she'd like to get a date with Melissa Etheridge. Howard said he met Melissa recently and she has a really hot girlfriend already. Howard said the woman on the phone sounded kind of heavy, like a truck driver. She admitted she's not hot and said she's average. Howard wondered why Melissa would give up a hot piece of ass for someone who is average. He hung up on that woman a few seconds later.
Howard moved on a short time later and said that it was time for Robin's news. He started in on that but a few minutes later he said he got a voice mail from wrestler Chris Jericho. Howard and his band The Losers have challenged wrestler Chris Jericho's band Fozzy to a battle of the bands. Jericho called in and trash talked Howard's band and said his band Fozzy is going to beat Howard's band. Howard said that he knows he sucks but Jericho might not know that he sucks. He said that even though The Losers suck, they'll still beat Fozzy. Howard said he's been a gentleman about it but Jericho is trash talking him. He played the message and Jericho calls himself the King of the Rock bands or something like that. He goes off on Howard for a few seconds and says that he's the most egotistical front man of all time. Howard has Gary bring in the Fozzy CD so they could hear what they're going up against. Howard said the music was good but when Jericho started singing Howard said ''There's the weakness!'' Howard said he's going to make him cry when he beats him next week. Howard said he'll play some of their stuff for Robin on Tuesday.