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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started off the show saying that Gary was late this morning because he has a flat tire somewhere. He said that's his worst nightmare, to have a flat tire in freezing cold weather. Robin said he's had the worst luck with that car he has. She said she's heard about him going down to the garage and finding his car with a flat tire.
Howard changed subjects and brought up Bruce Willis' girlfriend and how hot she is. Artie agreed with him but Robin said that Howard said something about how he wasn't happy that Bruce got engaged to her. Howard said her name is Brooke Burns, the host of ''Dog Eat Dog.'' He talked about how she seems to think she's really funny on that show. That led to him talking about how Ashton Kutcher seems to think he's really funny on his show ''Punk'd.'' He and Robin talked about how annoying he is on that show. Howard said he's not really even that annoying, he's just dumb. Howard said the pranks they pull on that show really aren't that funny, they're just mean. Howard said he's got a really weird delivery too. Howard said he'd punch Ashton if he ever pulled one of those jokes on him and he'd tell him he was just ''Punk'd'' himself and he just did it for the cameras. Howard took a commercial a break a short time after that.
Howard said he went out to a restaurant called Bolo on Friday night. He said he saw Bobby Flay's name on the place so he checked it out and it was really good. He said he had a bunch of stuff he's never had before and enjoyed it. He had some time left after that so he went to the Claus-Fest concert. There was a Santa Clause at the concert according to Gary. Gary said his name is Porno Pete there at the station. Howard said the guy looked like he was 3 times the size of Cabbie. Cabbie called in a short time later and asked Howard what he thought of the concert. Howard told him he had 4 more hours of show to go so he had to drag that out a little more. Howard said that Cabbie ended up pulling down his pants up on stage.
Howard said that Tom must have told the DJs not to curse because he didn't hear any while he was there. Gary said he heard Julie Slater saying the F-word so that couldn't be true. Howard explained how Cabbie got up on stage and mooned everyone at the concert. Howard said he'll do whatever it takes to make a good stage announcement.
Gary said he heard a conversation between Tom and their Program Director Chuck Roast about the cursing thing. He said that Tom told him that cursing once in a while is okay but they shouldn't just curse like crazy for no reason. Cabbie said that Howard asked for the crowd to toss some drugs up on stage for them. Howard said he hates going up on stage to make those announcements. He went on to explain how the lighting guy must have been insane there because he tried to see Staind perform but they were in the dark the whole time.
Tom Chiusano called in and said he didn't give anyone any instructions about what they could or couldn't do on stage that night. Howard wondered why he would even have that conversation with Chuck Roast about cursing on stage. Gary said he got the feeling that Tom didn't like the fact that they were cursing. Stuttering John came in and said he cursed in one of his songs on his first album and Tom asked him ''Why curse?'' John went on to goof on Tom's wardrobe that night at the concert. He said he was wearing a button down shirt with two guitars on it. The guys were all telling stories about Tom after that. Artie said he was stuck there with Tom in the balcony and he was talking about how much he loves the bands. Then he took a pair of earplugs and put them in. He thought that was pretty funny. Tom said he didn't want to go home with the ringing in his ears.
Tom said Artie ended up getting a whole bottle of Jack Daniels. Howard said he must have drunk the whole bottle because he didn't see any when he got there. Artie said he didn't drink the whole thing but some people said they saw that more than half of it was gone. Gary said that's a lot of alcohol.
Howard said he got up on stage and asked ''Where's the weed?'' which got them all cheering. Then he asked where the crack was and it went silent. He said he lost them with that question. He said he asked for a few drugs and lost the crowd a few times. He said Cabbie didn't waste time with that stuff, he just pulled down his pants. Cabbie said that Julie was wearing a great shirt that showed off her huge boobs. Howard said that she should have taken her top off.
A listener called in and said he thought that they were being censored during a talk they were having a little earlier. Fred told Howard that he thinks it may have been a power surge that they were hit with earlier.
Howard talked about Tom and how he should just admit that he's too old to like the music that they were playing at these concerts over the weekend. Howard said some of the bands are just a wall of noise though and one song sounds just like the next.
A caller told Howard that when he showed up to the concert during Linkin Park's performance the show just about stopped. Howard explained how he thought no one saw him going up there but there were a bunch of people who did and brought the show to a stop. He said he had a great time at the show and everyone was being very appreciative of his show and it made him feel good. The caller told Howard that he was in the mosh pit. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how crazy that is. Gary also brought up crowd surfing and how chicks that do that are just inviting guys to feel them up. Tom said the lead singer of P.O.D. crowd surfed while he performed one of his songs.
Howard wondered why there was no light on the band Staind while they performed. Tom said he wasn't sure about that but they killed. Howard changed subjects and said that he and Stuttering John went out drinking that night. He said at the end of the night John asked him if he wanted to split the bill. Howard said even John knew that it was lame and admitted it. Howard said John knows he doesn't want him to pay when they go out but if he really wanted to pay, he would have gone up to the waiter and given him his card to pay half the bill. Artie said he'd like to take a picture of John's wallet sitting on the table when they go out to eat. He said it's a big wallet and it has nothing in it but one, wrinkled dollar bill.
Stuttering John said he and Artie were driving home from Philadelphia on Friday night and stopped to get some burgers at a Burger King. John said Artie ate two whoppers while they were in line and didn't even pay for them. He said when he got to the end of the line he told the guy that he had a soda even though he had mayonnaise on his face.
Howard got back to the concert discussion and said that Linkin Park was great but he'd gotten there late and saw a few songs. He left a little while before the concert ended so he could get out without worrying about traffic. He said he and John had some discussions about drinking when they went out drinking together. Howard also asked Tom about the wardrobe he had for the concert. He also mentioned that Beth says that Tom is a very good looking guy. She apparently says that about John as well. Howard wanted Tom to admit that he doesn't really enjoy those concerts. Tom said he does enjoy them but Howard asked him what CDs they'd find in his car if they looked in there. He said he wasn't even sure because his son loaded it up with CDs for him.
Saturday night Howard went to the concert again and was supposed to introduce Staind. He said he hates doing stuff like that though. Other DJs get up there and just yell out a bunch of nothing. Howard was hoping to have tape of some of those but Stuttering John came in and said they weren't able to find the tapes.
A caller told Howard about being in the mosh pit so Howard and the guys talked about that a little bit. Howard and the guys talked about how there was one girl there both nights dancing around and getting pissed when she'd get knocked down. The caller claimed that he did some crowd surfing as well. Howard said if he did that the crowd would probably drop him. The caller said he fell about 8 times when people didn't realize he was over them. Howard said he's surprised that more people don't walk out of those concerts dead. Artie said he was watching the mosh pit thinking about how old he was and how that stuff never went on at a Rush concert.
A woman called in and said that maybe Staind had the lights off because they had zits on their faces or something. Howard said he went to visit the band before they performed because he was invited down to by Aaron Lewis. He said he felt like they just wanted to rest before the show but they said it was no big deal. He talked about how the drummer didn't say a word while they were there. The bass player didn't say much either but the bass player and Aaron the lead singer are big fans. Howard said Aaron's wife is really hot as well. He said he had a great time at the concert and then drove John and Artie back and figured they'd go home. John and Artie ended up going to The Comedy Cellar and hung out drinking with some other comedians. John said they hang out with people like Colin Quinn, Greg Giraldo, Nick DiPaolo and Modi and just goof on each other. John said he got home about 1 in the morning and Artie went home after that. Artie said he stopped and got some pizza.
Cabbie said that he thinks Staind didn't want the lights on them because they were wasted. He said he's pretty sure they were smoking some weed before the show and that's why they didn't want bright lights. Artie said he got a contact high when he came out of the dressing room that night. Howard said he doesn't know how anyone can perform under the influence. He said the weed these days would make him nuts. Howard said he had to take another break after that but Tom had to do a few shout-outs for some of the guys that helped put the show together. Howard told him to buy ad time next time he wants to do that. He went right to break after that.
KC came in and said that there was doody on the floor as well. They talked about how disgusting it was and how there has to be someone there doing this stuff maliciously. Howard doesn't know why they can't get those bathrooms cleaned. He and the guys talked about how someone there has to be doing that stuff over night. He said Cabbie wouldn't do something like that no matter what people think of him. KC said that they first saw it around 6:15 this morning so Howard wondered when Jeff the Drunk got there. KC said it was around that time.
Cabbie called back and said that he saw it there before Jeff got there. He said he almost threw up when he saw that there. He said sometime people come back to the station after a party and they're wasted. That might be how that happens because he claims someone puked on the walls last year. Howard said they need someone there to catch people doing stuff like that.
Howard said they're going to have the $20,000 contest coming up soon. He also mentioned this Playboy chick Echo Johnson. Howard was going to have the guy in who gets to bang her so they had pictures up on HowardStern.com so people could check her out.
Howard said that he knows about libel laws and how you can't just go around claiming stuff about people that's not true. He said it's gotten way out of control now. He said that's that for now. Imus can't hang up on them about this like he did last week when Howard called him.
Howard read an article about how so many people have been getting flu shots that they're running out of the stuff. Howard said he finds that insane because they should know that this is going to happen every year. He went as far as to suggest that drug dealers on the street handle distribution of this stuff because they seem to be able to bring people drugs 365 days a year.
Howard read another article about a DJ they found up in Canada. He was stuck between the walls of a club up there. He spent a minute on that. He then brought up a story about how they want to remake King Kong again. He wondered why that's the movie that they want to remake. He said that De Niro wants to play the part of King Kong but wants the chick to be a black chick.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy told Howard about Saturday Night Live. Paris Hilton made an appearance on the show so the guy wondered why she's not doing an interview with Howard. Howard said her publicist is trying to re-introduce Paris to people and SNL isn't as irreverent as it used to be. Al Sharpton was the host of the show so Howard and the guys talked about him a little bit. Howard said the guy is a complete disaster. Howard played tape of Paris' appearance on SNL with Jimmy Fallon. Fallon did some pretty funny jokes about the real Paris Hilton hotel. Howard said something tells him that Fallon has already checked into the Paris Hilton. Howard seems to think that Paris will now do an interview with a ''nice'' interviewer.
Robin told Howard that the Hilton sisters are making a lot of money themselves. They apparently make a lot of money over in Japan modeling and putting out their own products. That led to Howard talking about how he was offered some cigarette commercial over there. He said his agent figured he wouldn't want to promote cigarettes since they're linked to cancer and all but Howard didn't seem to have a problem with that. After talking about that for a short time he went to another commercial break.
James was the first guy to be introduced. He said he'd use the money to go to Hawaii. Richie was next. He said he has the week off and would love to win the money. High Pitch Erik was there as well to try and win. He says he can take a week off or bring the challenge to work. KC and Gary pointed out that he has a lot of ear hair today as well.
The next guy up, Alex, told Howard that he is being evicted from his apartment tomorrow. He also had a picture of Howard giving anal to Imus on his back. Howard quickly went through the other guys in the studio like Billy, Johnny and Frank. They all had their reasons for playing the game.
Howard told the guys that they were going to have to be handcuffed to someone for a full week. The contest was being brought to them by the movie ''Stuck On You'' so they were going to stick Jeff the Drunk on one of them with handcuffs. One of the women had a look of disgust on her face when he walked in. She said she'd figured it out when they were out in the green room so she knew what was in store but couldn't believe it. Jeff said that he's going to smoke and drink like crazy while he's handcuffed to one of these people. One of the women said that she wouldn't be disgusted by the whole thing. She thinks that she would be able to take a shower no problem with Jeff handcuffed to her. Jenny said that she arranged for her child not to be home this week so she wasn't backing out.
Gary said that the person will be leg shackled to the person only when Jeff has to go to the bathroom and take a shower. He's going to need his one good arm to wipe and do other things with. High Pitch Erik didn't get that though. He didn't understand that they'd have to cuff their legs together.
Maria was the first one to back out of the contest. She said she couldn't stomach being shackled to him at all. Jeff started yelling at her saying ''Bye bye bitch'' and yelled at her to get out of there. Gary said he'd love to see Jeff cuffed to the hot, tall chick who was there. Howard said there were a couple of people who need the money who might be good candidates. All of the contestants started saying that they had reasons for needing the money. One guy thought that the chicks would be out of there as soon as Jeff dropped his pants and dropped a deuce. Everyone wanted the money of course.
Someone suggested that they draw names from a hat to make the pick. Others were saying that they should vote on the person they think deserves to win. Gary asked if everyone knew what they were getting themselves into. They have to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom... all of that with Jeff the Drunk. They're going to have cameras on them the whole time and it's going to be a nightmare. Howard said that Jeff is going to be drunk, probably peeing in their bed and all kinds of other stuff. They also have to go through the whole week. If they stop anytime in the week, they lose the money.
Jeff broke the news that he hasn't crapped in 4 days now. He said he tried to go yesterday after eating a bunch of food and it didn't work. Howard went on to say that they were all going to vote for the person they think can do this. Maria was the only one being realistic about the whole thing. She said she wouldn't make it through one day, never mind a whole week.
Howard said he'd give 4 of the people $500 each to back out of the contest. He had 4 prizes to give to those people. One guy said that he'd back out then because he couldn't make it with Jeff. Howard gave him the $500 and Maria another $500. He had two more prizes to give away. High Pitch Erik then took the next $500 and backed out of the contest. He booted those three people out of there and had it narrowed down to 7 people.
A listener called in and asked if Jeff has to get up in the middle of the night to pee or drink. Jeff said he lasts the whole night without drinking and only has to get up sometimes to pee. He swore that he's never wet his bed or crapped himself. Howard and the guys started to find out more and more about the people who were staying in the contest. He spent some time talking to each of the people to find out more about them. He talked to the hot chick and Jenny for a short time. Howard found out that one of the guys was only 19 years old. Gary said they all had to be 21 so he might be out of it. The other guys all had their sad stories to tell as well. Gary told Howard that the 19 year old was out of it. Howard gave him the $500 and kicked him out of the studio.
They were down to six people at this point. Jeff asked them to pick the hot chick. Howard said he, Robin, KC, Gary, Fred and Artie were all going to vote. Benjy was left out as usual. Gary said he knows what he wants to do. He said he wanted to go with the hot chick but decided to go with Jenny who had a hard luck story. KC said he was going to go with the guy who had eye problems. He changed his vote to Jenny like Gary did. The guy who was being evicted said that he'd be willing to do anything to win this contest. Robin was next up to vote and she picked the guy who had the eye problems. Artie said that he thinks both of the chicks would be out in a day and he wants to see someone who will go through with it. He picked Alex, the guy who's being evicted. Fred was up next and went with Shannon the hot chick. Fred said he thinks Jeff would break her like a pony. Howard was last and said that he feels for a lot of the people in the contest. He said he couldn't go with Shannon because Jeff would enjoy her too much. Howard said if he votes for Alex or the blind guy they'd have to have a run off. He was having trouble picking someone. He eventually voted for Alex so there would have to be a run-off between him and Jenny.
Howard had all of the other contestants leave after that. Howard wondered which one would be better, Jenny and her husband living with Jeff or Alex and Jeff alone. Robin picked Jenny in the second vote. KC said he was going to pick Jenny as well. So did Gary and Fred. Artie picked Alex again and Howard just said that Jenny had already won the vote. Alex was moaning that he wasn't getting the chance. He thinks that she's not going to make it through the week. Alex moaned and whined a little bit about getting the votes. He was arguing about the whole thing but Howard told him to stop. He was very disappointed in the whole thing. Gary just wanted to know how they could get rid of the guy. He wouldn't stop and kept talking about all of the problem he was having. They hit a gong on him to try and shut him up. It wasn't working though and he just kept whining about it.
Howard wished Jenny luck with Jeff who she was going to be handcuffed to for the week. They were handcuffed a minute later to start the whole contest. Jeff was giving them a hard time already though. Howard said that wasn't going to last a minute after he was handcuffed to her. Jeff was already a mess. He said he had to go to the bathroom about a minute in. Jeff was drinking his beer with his good arm that was handcuffed to Jenny and her arm has to go up with him. Howard wondered what would happen if she falls in love with Jeff. She said that won't happen. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later as everyone was laughing at what they were seeing already. Jeff wanted to sing a song before he left. They played some music and Jeff sang ''I'll Be Home For Christmas.'' Jenny wondered if she should be singing along with him. Jeff continued to sing even after the music stopped. Jeff ran off to the bathroom as Howard went to break.
Playboy Playmate Echo Johnson and the guy who bangs her came in to talk to Howard for a little while. She told Howard that she was right out of high school when she was discovered. She did the shoot 11 years ago when she was only 18. Howard also talked to her boyfriend PJ. Robin wondered if he's known as ''The guy who bangs Echo Johnson'' or something. He said he does okay as a race car driver. That explained how he got her to most of the guys. Howard said he doesn't know anything about race car drivers or how much they can make. PJ told Howard that the highest paid athlete is Michael Schumacher who races Formula 1 and brings in about $75 million a year. Howard said he had no idea someone could get paid so much for driving.
Howard asked PJ how he met Echo. PJ told Howard he was invited to a model party which isn't something he does often. He said he spends most of his time in the middle of the country racing sprint cars. PJ said he was waiting outside of the club and heard people dropping Echo's name at this club. He didn't know who she was at the time. He said he figured she must be pretty cool if people are dropping her name like that. He got into the club and was talking to people about this Echo Johnson he was hearing about. Then this really pretty girl pulled him over the table and started making out with him for no good reason. He said that wasn't even Echo, it was a friend of Echo's. PJ said his confidence shot way up after that. He said nothing like that had ever happened to him before. Once he was dragged over to this table he started telling the story about hearing Echo's name being mentioned. Then Echo reached her arm across and introduced herself. That's how he met her.
Howard asked PJ how long it took to get Echo. PJ said that they ran into each other the same night at a bar at the W hotel. They spent some more time talking and he got her number. He didn't get her that night though. PJ said he had some other chicks with her that night but one of them had passed out drunk at one point.
Howard asked Echo about whether or not she's ever slept with women before. She said she has experimented in the past but doesn't do it regularly. PJ got back to his story and told Howard how they talked on the phone for about 5 months or so. She was always busy working during that time. Howard asked him if he pleasured himself to her web site pictures or anything like that. He said he never did that but did get off thinking about her.
PJ told Howard that he was going to bed one night and got a phone call from Echo inviting him down to Cabo with 50 other Playmates on a chartered flight. That was the first time he got to bang her as well. They worked things out the night before as far as where they were going to stay and all. PJ had to put in 4 and a half months of talking on the phone before he got her though. Howard said the problem is to get a girl to call you.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who knew of PJ from racing. He said that PJ is from a family with money. He hasn't made it all on racing. PJ said that's true and he is from money. Howard and Robin wanted to know who his family is. PJ said they're not all that rich and his sisters aren't ''The Ramada Twins'' or anything like that.
Echo told Howard what it was about PJ that she liked and how he was very well spoken and all. Howard said this was supposed to be a segment about how to hook up with a hot chick but it was basically Echo talking about how PJ was a race car driver and how he had money and all. He wouldn't have met her without being a race car driver.
PJ told Howard that the documentary ''Born Rich'' was about one of his best friends. Howard and the guys said that means he really is from money. Howard said he wants to talk to regular guys who get hot chicks, not a rich guy who gets hot chicks. PJ said that he is a regular guy though. He said that their relationship is awesome. Howard gave Echo a plug for her web site EchoJohnson.com and said you can hire her to plan your party as well. You can find out more about that at Beyond-Events.com.
Howard said that they learned nothing during that interview. He said that they just confirmed everything they knew about how guys get hot chicks. He wrapped up the segment a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard wondered why he still has to do shows like that when he's going to be a big star on the WB network. Robin was wondering if he's going to be the next Jerry Seinfeld. Bob said he can't be the next Jerry Seinfeld because he doesn't date married women.
Bob's daughter Jessica (JessicaSchimmel.com) was on the other line to say ''hello'' to Howard as well. Howard said she has to suffer through the fact that her father married her best friend. Bob also pointed out that Jessica broke up with her boyfriend so he wanted her to talk about that. Jessica said that she found out that he was cheating on her and she found out through his e-mail. Howard wondered why guys are that dumb to leave their e-mail open for her to find out. Jessica said that she e-mailed the woman and told her about what the guy was saying to her. Jessica then called him and told him that she e-mailed this other woman. He freaked out and said that he really cared about the other woman and wanted Jessica to fix it. Jessica said she had a nice e-mail conversation with the other woman and she seemed like a nice person. Howard told Jessica that she needs a more mature man who's like 48-49 years old. She wondered if he knew of anyone like that. Howard was talking about himself of course. He said if he wasn't dating someone he'd probably be banging Jessica.
Howard read Bob's plug on the air and didn't understand it because of the way it was written. The name of the club was The Funnybone Cincinnati but it's located in Kentucky. It was really confusing but Will came in and explained it to him. Howard still sounded confused though. Howard plugged Bob's stuff a couple more times and got off the phone.
Howard mentioned that today is Sam Kinison's birthday anniversary. He and the guys talked about how he would have been about 48 years old today if he'd lived. Howard said if he'd lived to that age, he probably would have died anyway. Howard said he really does miss the guy. He also found out that he would have actually have been 50 years old, not 48. Howard said that Robin is like 52 but she said she's just 51. Howard turns 50 himself in January. Robin was rubbing that in and told him to just wait for his AARP invitation. He said he's not going to get one of those because he's put a stop to all of his mail. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard was complaining about his heat making noise at his apartment again. He said he tried shutting off the heat and it was still making the clanging noise he was complaining about recently.
He went on to bring up a story about how Ozzy Osbourne was hurt in an ATV accident. He said he wasn't even sure what an ATV was when he saw it on the news. He heard that Ozzy broke a collarbone and some ribs when he crashed the All Terrain Vehicle. He was over in England on his estate when he crashed the vehicle. Howard said he can't picture Ozzy riding around on one of those things. Robin said he can barely drive a car from what she's seen on TV. Howard said he really shouldn't be on any vehicle. He said he shouldn't even be on an escalator. Howard ended up talking about the Osbournes and how Sharon spends so much of their money. Howard said Ozzy shouldn't be risking his life on anything like an ATV.
Howard said that Ozzy was in bed after having an operation on his arm and Sharon tried to wheel him out on stage to perform so they can keep the money rolling in. He was kidding of course. Howard said he was sorry to hear about Ozzy because he's a good friend to the show.
Howard said Gary Garver got an interview with Lily Tomlin and she won't commit to being a fan of Howard's. She says that she listens to the show but she won't say that she's a fan of the show. She apparently says the same thing about Rush Limbaugh. Howard said she told Garver that she finds him attractive as well. Howard and Robin both think that means she's a fan. Howard was saying that he thinks he kind of looks like Tomlin.
Howard mentioned the boots that he wears during the winter. He said they're called Ugs and he's been wearing them for years. He's had his pair of EMU boots for a couple of years and now he hears that they're huge out in Hollywood. He saw a picture of Cameron Diaz wearing a pair with the sides rolled down. Howard tried that but Robin said that it doesn't look good on him. He said he was wondering if that was the case and thought that maybe he looks gay with them rolled down. He said he asked his friend Richie if they looked gay and he said they didn't. Both Robin and Artie told Howard they like them rolled up, not down. Howard said that discussion went on all day yesterday. Robin told him he looks ridiculous with them rolled down.
Howard said he just wanted to give everyone a little taste of what was coming up later in the show. He took some phone calls after that. A caller told Howard that he was annoyed by something he sees on the E! show. He said whenever a guest comes out of the studio he sees Ronnie the Limo Driver coming out and walking past the camera. Howard said he thinks Ronnie is just going back to his work area.
Captain Janks called in and said that he has ridden one of those ATVs and he thinks that they're pretty easy to ride. He said they're idiot proof and anyone can ride one.
A guy called in and said that he finally read Robin's book. He said he bought it about 6 years ago but just read it recently. He said that he's a gay man and he wears the same boots Howard wears and he wears them down. Howard said that's it, he's not wearing them down anymore. The caller said that he thinks that Howard is a gay sex symbol. Howard said he likes it when anyone is attracted to him and thanked him for that. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
A listener called in and asked Howard if his wife married a guy older or younger than her. Howard said the guy is about the same age. Howard said he doesn't care who she married and said that he's happy if she's happy. The guy thought that Howard was happy because he's got a young girlfriend and his ex-wife doesn't have a younger guy. Howard said his girlfriend isn't that young, she's in her 30's.
A listener called in and said that they let curse words play during songs on that Liquid Todd show. That led to Howard talking about DJs and how other guys have ripped off his personality. He was talking about Imus again and talking about how he's even sounding like him these days. He explained to the caller how he never liked Imus and how he used to try and latch on to his show and would even call his mother and sister because he called them on the air as well. The caller and Howard were talking about Imus and what an ass he is.
The caller asked Howard when he's going to give up radio. Howard claims that he has decided to give up at the end of his contract in 2 years. He says he wants to make a movie before the end of the contract as well. He told the guy he has something in the works and it will be a surprise when he reveals it. Howard said that the movie is the only goal he has right now. He also talked about how he has a bunch of stuff in the works with his production company. The caller turned out to be this guy The White Rapper so Howard hung up on him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw the E! show for the first time last night and saw Ronnie the Limo Driver. He said he can't believe that old man is his body guard. The caller also asked Howard who the youngest girl he ever had was. Howard said when he was single after his divorce he was with this one chick who he assumed was 30. He said it turned out she was 21 and he freaked out. He said he was about 45 or so when he divorced. He told the caller that the woman was smokin' hot too.
Howard said Beth doesn't listen to the show herself but he thinks that her brother Doug calls her and tells her what he's said on the air. He thinks that the reason their relationship works is because she doesn't listen that much. The caller got back to Ronnie and asked how old the guy is. Howard said he's like 55 years old or so. The caller wondered if Howard feels safe with that guy guarding him. Howard said he doesn't but that's no really his job. He's just there to greet people and let them in. He's more of a security guard than a body guard.
Howard and the caller talked about Imus a little more. The caller said that he has been listening to him a little bit waiting to hear if he's going to talk about Howard. Howard said he doesn't even mind if people do that because they'll tune in and hear how bad his show is.
Howard said he has a new contest where someone can win $10,000 courtesy of the movie ''The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.'' He said after the next break he would tell people how that contest is going to work.
Howard and Robin discussed that for a little while and how his campaign doesn't seem all that important compared to the dating there. Howard said they're not looking over what these people are doing there, they just do what they want and hang out.
Howard said he read an article in Rolling Stone magazine about John Kerry and he uses the F-word in the interview. Howard said he doesn't think any Presidential candidate has used that word in any interview. Howard said that made him feel like he's a regular guy because that's the way people really talk. He figured it was going to become a big deal and he was right. It took a little while but now people are freaking out over what he said in the article.
Debbie Schlussel called in and talked to Howard about the John Kerry F-word thing. She thinks that he planned the whole thing and it wasn't an accident that he said it. Howard asked her if she thinks that's the case or if she knows for a fact that it was planned. She just said ''Oh come on Howard!'' Howard and Debbie discussed that and Howard made sure to say that Debbie was just speculating that he planned the use of the F-word. She said that they're all calculated and Kerry wouldn't have said that in an interview with the NY Times or something like that. Howard told Debbie that she has to get laid and should get in on that Howard Dean campaign thing.
Debbie also brought up The Bachelorette and her wedding. Howard said he hates Trista so much now. He talked about how she's never had an orgasm and how she apparently doesn't enjoy sex. Howard wrapped up the call after Debbie rambled on about some person that was invited to that wedding.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he thinks that Jackie is the biggest one on the list and he even wants to come on to promote something. Howard and Gary said that Jackie is claiming that he's not being allowed on the show to promote the stuff, but that's no true. Gary said that they have hired 11 people with the money that Jackie turned down from working on the show. Gary also said that they offered to have Jackie back on the show and he turned it down once. John thought that they should let the contest go for 2 weeks and if none of the other celebs come on, then they put Jackie back on the list.
Howard told Gary to go try and get Jackie on the line to see if he'll do the show for a plug. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he'd rather hear a hot chick like Paris Hilton on the air. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he would throw in an extra $5,000 if they get Jackie back in the studio. Robin still thinks that it's too easy to get Jackie though.
Gary came in a short time later and said he tried calling Jackie and just got his message machine. He said Jackie is still Jackie and his message says that you've reached ''Jackie on Long Island'' because he has so many homes. Robin said she thinks they'll still get Jackie on the air without the money. One phone caller said that Howard has to let the fans rip Jackie a new asshole when he's on the show. Gary said that they'd have Jackie on for a half hour and the A-list celebs would only get 5 minutes. Gary also said that the contest ends on December 19th when the show ends.
Gary and Stuttering John seem to think that they can get some of those guests for $10,000. Gary said that they can't take the ten grand though. King of All Blacks called in and said that they have to keep Jackie on the list. He thinks that Jackie won't do the show no matter what and they'd have to pay him to do it. King said he thinks Jackie hates all of them and he really doesn't want to be on the show. Howard seems to think that Jackie would take his job back tomorrow if he offered it to him, but he hates him subconsciously. King said that Jackie probably hates Artie most of all. Howard said he doesn't think that's true either. Gary said that Jackie can come in and promote whatever he wants. Howard said that he's taking Jackie off the list because it might be too easy to get him on the show.
Howard told Tom that as far as he's concerned, John is part of the audience. Howard said that he wants that rule left out of future contests. Tom said that they should talk about that stuff before the contest is announced. Howard seemed to think that Tom was lying about the rules and how there was a company policy and everything. Howard told him, from now on, he doesn't want that rule. There's no need to make up that rule. He said that Tom is thinking like a guy who has been boxed in by rules his whole life.
Howard told John that he could participate but Tom told him not to defy him. Tom also claimed that he spoke to their lawyer about that and he said that it's already been filed and it's too late. Artie said he thinks that Tom just doesn't want John to get the money.
A listener called in and said that the contest is not a game of chance so they don't need to file it with the state. Tom said that it's over a certain value so they do have to register it with the state. Howard said that he would cancel the contest today if they had to and start it with new rules tomorrow. Howard told Tom to go fix the problem and make it the way he wants it.
Howard changed his tune a few minutes later and told Tom that in future contests he wants the rules the way he wants them. This time, he can just leave them the way they are. Tom was willing to take Gary back to his office to make the call to the lawyer to find out if they can change the rules or not. Robin said they didn't even start the contest yet so she didn't know why they couldn't just change the rules.
Howard read some e-mail and some people are wondering when they're going to see Vinnie Favale's video tape on E!. Gary came in and said that Vinnie doesn't want them to keep the video and didn't give them permission to use it in anyway. Another e-mailer said that Howard's web site was a mess and he wasn't able to see the Echo Johnson pictures on his web site. Howard said he hasn't invested a penny into that site and he's not changing anything.
The dog actually came into Dana's life while they were dating and Artie said that he didn't want the dog at his apartment. She got a really big dog and Howard and Robin seem to think that she wants to be with the dog more than she wants to be with Artie. Artie apparently told her that he'd prefer a small dog but she went out and got a huge one. Howard and Robin told him it doesn't look good for his future with Dana. Artie said that he told Dana that if she got the dog, she'd have to come to his place more often. She gets kind of upset about that sometimes but he said he told her that when she got the dog. Howard said something about ''two more weeks'' when he heard all of this stuff. Artie said he hates the dog hair around his food.
There was tape of Jeff taking a leak and the two of them discuss going to the bathroom. Jenny sits down and goes pee while Jeff stands by cuffed to her. Jeff is breathing heavy in the tape and it's kind of disturbing. Jenny just sits around letting Jeff sleep and listens to him ramble at other times. Howard played tape of that and Jenny just ''Uh huh's'' him the whole time. Howard said that it's probably all lies anyway. Jeff was explaining to her how he was banging this chick before his accident and that she never came to visit him while he was in the hospital.
Jeff was smoking weed while he was with her. Then he starts hacking up a lung after taking a hit. Robin said Jenny is very patient because she's probably strangle him.
Howard had both Jeff and Jenny on the line a short time later. Jenny said that she didn't get much sleep last night. She said that Jeff was touching her a couple of times last night. Howard asked her how she gets comfortable with him. She said she lays in one corner and plays dead while Jeff takes over the rest of the bed. Jenny said that Jeff had about 11 cigarettes in the past 2 hours. She said she can't eat while he's smoking. He also coughed while she was brushing her teeth and she almost threw up.
Jeff told Howard that they're going bowling today but when Howard said they can't move the shackles to their legs, Jeff said they're not going bowling. Howard suggested they go play pool instead. Jeff said he can't do that either. Howard wondered why Jeff was lying about all of the chicks he banged. He said he wasn't lying though. He started to explain how he did get laid but Howard said he didn't want to hear it again. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later and said they'd check in with them later.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he thinks Sharon Osbourne really slept with Randy Rhodes. Howard said he thinks that she could have made up the story but he's not sure. That led to Howard talking about Ozzy's accident again. Howard said he doesn't know what Ozzy was doing on an ATV to begin with. He's kind of shaky and 55 years old, he shouldn't be screwing around on one of those things. Howard pointed out that Ozzy can barely use a remote control.
Howard read a few articles that were in the news. He also brought up this Bachelorette wedding that's airing on ABC. He said that the guy marrying Trista ran out crying during his bachelor party. Howard said if he doesn't want to do this whole thing, he should bail out. Howard said she's like a 6th grade girlfriend who's always excited and screaming like a little girl. Howard said he doesn't think the marriage will last for long. Both Trista and Ryan cry at some point and both of them don't want the cameras on them. Howard said they signed on to have cameras on them so they shouldn't be running away. Howard went on to complain about how annoying Trista is but he's still watching the show.
Robin said that ABC did an interview with psychic John Edwards and showed that he can't get much right when they picked their own people to be in the room with him. Robin said a lot of the people were annoyed that they couldn't talk to their relatives.
Howard mentioned that he watches this show ''Joan of Arcadia'' and he's finding Mary Steenburgen kind of attractive. Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he interviewed Mary and she was hot. He also got Howard back to Trista and said that she isn't that hot without makeup on. Howard cut him short and went right to break after that.
Howard told people to go to HowardStern.com and check out the new KC poster. They said that the picture shows KC pulling down his pants a little too far. Howard said someone used a little photoshop on the picture and made his penis hang out of his pants. He wasn't sure who the guy was though.
Howard had a bunch of tapes to play from Wendy the Retard's bowling tournament. In one clip they had a couple of retarded people talking to each other and wishing Wendy luck in her bowling. In another clip Wendy talks about her score and some of her other teammate's scores. Wendy also talked about her McDonald's breakfast. She talked about having a meal at Burger King and what number meals they all had when they went. She gave a rundown of exactly what time they went certain places and did certain things. Howard said it would be annoying to be married to her because she talks so much and knows so much about everyone. He described her as the ''retarded Jillian Barberie.''
Wendy called in and Howard asked her if it was the Special Olympics. She said it was but was having trouble hearing her. Wendy had to get off of the speaker phone she was on. Wendy had to yell for her mother to get her the phone. Howard asked her how many times a day she does that to her. She said it's about 5 times a day. Howard asked her if she's every going to move out. She says that she's going to move out when she and Billy settle down. She's 24 and Billy is 27.
Howard asked Wendy what her mental age is. She said that it's ''maybe 10.'' She said that Billy is mentally about 9 so Artie said she's dating a ''mentally younger man.'' Wendy told Howard that she knows that he told her to stay away from fast food but they had to have some when she went on her trip to the bowling tournament. She said that she's trying to cut back and avoid it. She's also trying to get a Richard Simmons tape to help her work out.
Wendy told Artie she and her friends were talking about Artie and ended up having McGriddle sandwiches because that's what he eats. Howard asked her if she's able to take care of herself during the day when her mother goes out. She said that she's not allowed to use the stove when her mother is away but she is able to use the microwave oven. She even knows not to put metal in there when she cooks.
Howard asked Wendy if she won the bowling tournament. She said she won... and came in fourth place. She said the other team beat them by 10 points. Howard and Artie talked about how they don't have losers in the Special Olympics. That's why Artie can't bet on the games. Howard cut Wendy off and said he'd see her later in the week. Wendy asked if she could sing a song before she got off the line. She yelled out some rap song or something but it was muffled. Wendy told Howard that it was some song by Monsters of the Midday. Howard got her off the line a few seconds later.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who said she has an autistic child who is pretty high functioning. She said that when she found out about the autism, the only thing that made her laugh was the Gary apology tape, also known as Booey Maguire. She just wanted to thank Howard for making her laugh through the tough times. Howard was going to give her a trip to New York but she can't travel because of her son. Gary gave her some money instead. He put her on hold quick because she was kind of annoying. He took a break a short time later.
Howard said that he had some incredible stories to tell about the ''Stuck on You'' contest with Jeff the Drunk and Jenny. He had a bunch of other stuff he had to get to as well but didn't know where to begin. He said Gary had an update for the $10,000 contest they announced yesterday where someone can win $10,000 if they get a certain celebrity to call in. Howard complained about the heat in his apartment for a short time as well. He said that his heating system clangs all night and he can't shut it off to stop it. He said he's holding back money from the contractor who put in the system and that guy is pissed but he wants the system to work. He said it was 82 degrees in his apartment last night and he just couldn't shut it off for some reason. The controls don't work for him for some reason. He said when he calls the guy to complain, it's like no one is home. Robin wondered why the guy would leave Howard's heat not working of all people. Howard said he's ready to go to court over the whole thing now. Artie said that the contractors have that classic move where they make you feel guilty and get annoyed by you when you complain. Howard said he ended up sleeping on his couch while Beth slept in his daughter's bedroom.
Howard said that the guy complains about him not paying his bill but what's he supposed to do? He says that he's not happy with his work so he hasn't paid him. Howard said he hates to sue someone but this guy isn't responding. Robin told him he has to do it if he's not giving him what he wants. Howard had a tape to play to calm himself down. It was from some porn movie with a woman moaning. After hearing that Howard said he has to talk about Jeff the Drunk and the woman who is handcuffed to him for the week. He didn't want to start on that yet though. He said that Gary has a story about talking to Jackie the Joke Man for a half hour yesterday too.
Howard said that Beth cooked for him last night and made him lemon chicken with beets, brussel sprouts and shallots. He said that's the first time she's cooked him a meal like that. He said he really liked it and it was a low fat meal. He said it was the best present he could ever get. Howard said that Robin once cooked for him as well. They talked about that for a short time and said that back then, Fred didn't eat shrimp. Fred woke up and said that he does eat shrimp and other sea food these days. Howard said Fred would eat hot dogs back then.
Howard said that KC told him recently that he can't find good food in Manhattan. Fred said that he told him that he can't get good pizza in the city but Howard said he was told it was food in general. He seems to think KC is nuts for saying that.
Robin thought the whole meal cooking thing that Beth did is a trap for Howard. She said ''That's what a wife will do.'' Howard said the fact that she's good looking, not annoying and cooks well is a bit of a trap. He also said ''Trista and Ryan, move over'' as he joked around about getting married. That led to him talking about Gwyneth Paltrow and how she's all over the news since she's pregnant now. Robin said that she was off of everyone's radar for a while but now she's all over the news.
A listener called in and asked Howard how much he spends around Christmas. He said he spends a fortune buying gifts for everyone who works with him and the people at the apartment building he lives at. He said the tipping alone is crazy. Gary asked him if he's over ten grand. Howard said even $20,000 wasn't close. Howard said that's not even a tenth of what he spends. Gary kept going up and up to over fifty thousand and Howard was still saying he wasn't close. Howard said that he decided to get Gary, Fred, Artie and Benjy separate gifts but the list just kept growing and growing. He said it gets very expensive. He doesn't want anyone to feel let down with their gifts. He said he'd rather take his money, put it in one of those booths and have everyone just grab as much as they can.
Howard said he gets a fruit of the month gift from Tom Chiusano and it's the greatest gift he gets. He said he gets some great fruit with that and he really appreciates the gift. He spent a few minutes talking about that and said that if he gave it as a gift, it wouldn't be good enough for some people.
King of all Blacks called in and told Howard to just get married already. He said that he's happy with her so he should just marry the girl already. Howard said that's not the right thing to do. He said if you're happy, why ruin it by getting married. Gary tried to get Beth on the line while Howard spoke to King of all Blacks. King told Howard about a problem he had with a contractor at one point. Howard told him he had enough problems of his own to worry about though.
Beth was on the line a short time later. She said she was trying to get some sleep because of the heating system noise. She fell asleep and then the phone rang. Howard told Beth how he was raving about the chicken meal she made last night. He said that Robin was saying that she was trying to set the trap for him and all. Beth said that she's humiliated over it but she knew it was going to come out. She said it definitely brings out the romance. Beth said that it really works and he's never been that way over a meal before. Howard was kissing her over the table and all. She wasn't expecting a proposal or anything although she did ask Howard if he was calling to propose when he brought up the whole thing.
Beth told him to just wait until next week. Howard told her he's going to make her ''Wait 20 years meatballs'' next week. Howard told her to make him some ''see you later meatloaf'' because he's so nuts over that meal. A listener called in and said he saw Beth out shopping for bridal dresses with Bianca (Howard's dog). He also asked Beth if she's going to wear a red dress and then called her a slut. Howard hung up on the guy and got back to the Engagement Chicken. Beth told Howard that she ripped the title of the recipe off the page so he wouldn't find it laying around.
Howard let Beth get back to sleep after that discussion. He said he knows that Beth doesn't want to get married. She said that they're very happy together right now. Double A called in and said that if things don't work out with Howard he'd take Beth in a heartbeat. Howard said that he'd accept ''Engagement Feces'' from her. King of all Blacks called in and asked Beth what she would think if Howard asked her to marry him. She said that she would say yes if he asked her. Howard said that he loves Beth but King told him that what he's doing isn't fair to her. He said he was comparing Beth to what happened in the past but Howard says he's not. Howard said he has issues with marriage and he was getting very uncomfortable with the whole conversation. King was saying that he might have to get a ring for his woman as well. Artie told him the only ring he should be getting is around his stomach.
Howard was getting upset when King of all Blacks was saying that he's going to get Beth a ring soon. He wanted to get away from that whole thing. Another caller said that the wedding would be bigger than Lady Di's if it happens. Another caller asked Beth if she'd be dating Howard if he was only making $40,000 a year. She claims she would but Robin said it doesn't matter because that's not the case.
Howard said that he'll be crapping out his Engagement Chicken later today. Beth wondered why he was ruining such a great thing by saying that. It turns out he told her that he could eat that meal every day of his life. He had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard said he's sickened with himself after watching that TV show but it's working for some reason. Howard and the guys said that they hate the show but FOX knows what they're doing. Scott DePace from E! came in and talked about how he'd like to hook up with Paris just so he could F-with her and mess her up. He sounded like he was really disgusted with the whole show after seeing it last night. Artie said the most disgusting thing about Paris is that she's probably a very happy person. Robin and Howard said that she's probably not a happy person though.
Howard moved on to the next subject. He said that the NJ Nets sent over a fax to Artie. He read the fax and it's a request for Artie to perform ''Glory Days'' at a Nets game. The guy heard Artie do the karaoke contest and wants him to perform it again. They say they can have the Nets dancers behind him while he performs if he wants. Howard replayed Artie's performance from that contest to remind everyone how good he was doing his impression of Bruce Springsteen.
Artie said that he loves the Nets but he doesn't think that he's going to do that. He said if he saw some idiot performing Glory Days he'd boo him. He's not going to do it. Howard said that he's still available and played his awful version of ''Blackbird.'' Artie said he'd play point guard for the Nets if they want. Howard told Robin that he'd love it if she performed ''If it Makes You Happy'' at a Nets game. He replayed her Karaoke performance while she complained that it was boring. She joked that she couldn't believe the Nets didn't write to her.
Howard said Staind was backing them all up in that Karaoke contest and they were great. He said he'd like to hear them perform those songs without the bad singing from everyone in the studio.
Howard said that he had tape of Jeff the Drunk and Jenny being handcuffed together. He said he saw a preview of the tape and there's a point where Jenny is dragging a passed out Jeff across a street so they don't get hit by cars. He said he'd talk about that after the break.
Howard had some tape and some notes from the guys who are videotaping this stuff. Howard said Jeff is constantly smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking of course. At one point Jenny was reading her son a book while Jeff was passed out next to her. When they take showers they have to keep their legs stuck together. Jeff doesn't have a towel of his own so he has to blow dry himself. Howard said after reading that stuff, it didn't sound so bad.
Jeff was smoking weed and Jenny got a contact high and started to giggle. They decided to go out to a bar after that. Jeff was hitting on the bartender who he was asking to give him oral and if she likes anal. He started drinking and things started to change. He started to cough up some nasty looking crap and it was all over his gimpy arm. Issac from E! gave them a rundown of what Jeff drank and it would kill an average person. Jeff then went around asking people for weed. He threw down a $50 bill on the table in an open offer for weed.
Howard asked Jeff where he got the money for the weed. He was on the phone and told Howard that he got his SSI check and that's where the money came from. Jeff passed out on the bar and was asked to leave when he wouldn't wake up. Jeff refused to leave so the bartender sprayed him with water. When they left they couldn't get a cab so they walked across the street and Jeff passed out halfway across. His hat fell off so Jenny had to try and save the hat. Jenny couldn't move Jeff because he's so hard to move. Some people helped move him but he ended up spitting at the camera. Jenny said he also urinated in the middle of the street. Once they got home Jeff passed out and Jenny couldn't move him so she had to pee in a margarine container. Jeff had no recollection of most of that stuff. Some people seem to think that Jeff doesn't have much longer to live if he keeps going like that. Jeff says he'll live longer than Howard though.
Howard played tape of Jeff drinking and then coughing up his phlegm on his arm. Howard and the guys were watching the video and he had all kinds of crap on his gimpy arm sling. They played another tape where Jeff gets sprayed with water after passing out on the bar. Doug Goodstein from E! said that Jenny just sits there and doesn't react to any of this. She claims that she's going to make it through this whole week no problem. Howard played the tape where Jeff got sprayed with water to try and wake him up. He cursed out the female bartender and told her to stop spraying him. Jeff said that he doesn't remember that at all.
Howard played tape of Jeff trying to hail a cab and he was cursing out everyone and was dragging Jenny along with him. Howard said that it's the funniest thing you've ever seen. Then Jeff passes out in the middle of the street in the middle of Manhattan. Jenny tries to pick him up but he laid there for 9 minutes according to Howard. Jeff demands that Jenny help him up as he curses her out. He asks the camera man to help him instead since Jenny can't lift him up. Jeff gets even more pissed when Jenny tells him the camera guy can't help them. Jeff slurs his words as he says ''HELP ME THE F*** UP!'' over and over again to Jenny and the camera man. Howard said at that point he would have chewed off the handcuffs. Most people would give up by that point but Jenny sticks with it. Howard asked her if she's on some type of narcotic that keeps her calm. She said she's not. Jeff doesn't seem to care how he acts around these people.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Jenny deserves more than $20,000 for what she's going through. Howard said she's right but that's the contest. A guy called in and said he can't wait to see the footage. Howard said he'd like to put it on a DVD and release it. Robin Radzinski came in and said that it's going to take a while to put together but they may make it into a 1 hour special that will air on a Saturday night in January.
A phone caller said that Jenny sounds so nice that Howard should give her anything she wants after going through this. Doug Goodstein said that Issac (the camera man) has to deal with a lot of crap too. Another caller said that he would have taken a brick and bashed Jeff in the head if he'd passed out like that with him. A caller also told Howard this should be put on DVD in 5 24 hour segments so we can see every moment of it. Howard said he might just take the raw tape and put it on the web at some point so people can watch it.
Howard asked Jeff what he's going to do today. He said he was planning on picking up a bowling ball and shoes.... Howard said that Jeff just seems to hang out all the time with nothing to do. He said he's kind of like Paris Hilton. Jeff said he never feels worthless either. Artie said he feels worthless all the time and he's actually doing something with his life.
Jeff and Jenny said that neither of them have made a number 2 so far. Jeff said he hasn't eaten in 6 days now. Artie wondered how that's possible. He told Jeff he should go to a doctor. Jeff said he went to the doctor last week to check out his blisters and he stuck his finger down his butt. Howard said if he was a doctor and had Jeff as a patient, he'd wonder what he was doing with his life.
Howard gave the movie ''Stuck on You'' a plug since they're the ones who are putting up the money for this contest. Jeff kept asking Artie if he wanted to bowl with him on Friday night. Artie has a gig up in Boston so he can't do that with him. Howard had to hang up on him after that.
Gary came in and said that Doug from E! spent the night in the emergency room last night. He joined a hockey league and ended up getting into a fight when a guy hit him in the throat for no reason. He ended up with a puncture wound in his elbow. Doug said that he's suspended for 2 games after his first night. He's also on probation for a year after that. Howard said that Jeff the Drunk can fall on the pavement and not get hurt but Doug falls on the ice and rips open his arm.
Howard talked about this guy George Clinton who was charged with drug possession the other day. He said that Clinton looks like someone who the cops would check for drugs. He said that Clinton obviously wasn't thinking when he sat in his car allegedly smoking crack.
Howard brought up a story about how Jerry Seinfeld is going to be producing, writing and starring in an animated movie about bees. Howard read the article and talked about how ridiculous it is. Artie wondered if he had brought up that idea 10 years ago if anyone would have even listened to him. Howard did his impression of Seinfeld and goofed on him a little bit. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard moved on to talk about a story he read about KFC chickens being treated poorly. They talked about that and Stuttering John said that he loves their chicken. Howard said it's so fried that you can't even taste the chicken though. That led to the guys talking about dieting and how everyone is trying to come up with a way to lose weight but still keep eating a ton of food. Howard said if you just cut down your calorie intake, you'll lose weight. Robin said that it just has to be less calories, you still need fat and carbohydrates.
Howard brought up his boots again today. He talked about these Ugg's and he's unable to find them anywhere. He said his daughter wants a pair but he can't find a pair in her size. He said he used to think they were the ugliest things but now they're the big thing in Hollywood.
Yesterday Howard announced a new contest where they're going to give away $10,000 to someone if they can get one of the following people to call in to the show for at least 5 minutes:
Gary also got a call from Jackie the Joke Man Martling. Gary tried to call him yesterday but didn't hear back from him until last nigh. Gary said that Jackie has no animosity toward anyone on the show. He said he doesn't listen to the show but does hear things that happen. He heard about John saying that he ignored him when he saw him one day but he swears he didn't see John. He doesn't return John's calls though so Gary asked him about that. Gary also said Jackie claims that John told him that if he talks to him, he has to be allowed to talk about it all on the air. John yelled out and said that was so untrue and he told Jackie if he doesn't want their conversations mentioned on the air, he just has to tell him.
Gary said that he talked to Jackie about coming on the show and he doesn't really have anything going on right now. He's got some joke machines going on now and he's making money. He misses the show but doesn't miss getting up early. He misses coming in and laughing every day. Gary said he asked Jackie if he'd come in for the $10,000 they offered yesterday. Jackie seems to think that he wouldn't have a voice on the show because Howard's microphone would be at 11 and his would be at one. Howard said he does have animosity then. Jackie also seems to think that people think he has something against Artie but he doesn't. Gary told Howard a bunch of other stuff about what Jackie told him and he finds it hard to believe that people are still interested in him. Howard said he doesn't think that people are that interested though.
Gary said that Jackie thought if he and Howard sat down and talked for an hour on New Year's Eve would be a great, funny bit. Howard said he'd probably want 50 percent of the profits on that.
Gary asked Howard how many times he called Jackie after he walked off the show. Howard said he called him once or twice and asked him what he was doing. Howard said he told Jackie he had to do something at that point. Then a couple months later Howard was looking for someone to replace him and Jackie called him and asked what was going on. Howard said that he told Jackie that he walked off the show and he'd waited for 6 months before even doing that.
Gary said he's going to go out to lunch with Jackie after the holidays. He said he'll tell Jackie up front that he's going to talk about that on the air as well. Howard said it's always about the money anyway. He also said life is a lot easier without Jackie on the air. Howard said he put up with Jackie walking off the show for years and he's happier without that going on.
Gary said that Jackie told him that he'd come on the show anytime but Howard doesn't think he'd ever come on. He said he'd love to have him on the show but he doesn't think he'll ever do that. Gary said Jackie sends his love to them all.
Howard and Gary pointed out how Jackie was hired for the show and how Howard backed him up all the years he did work for the show. Howard said the last time around he tried to help Jackie again but no one else wanted to help him out on the whole thing. Howard said that Jackie was making money like no one else in the business doing that job as a writer for the show. Howard said he told Jackie he thought he was making a mistake but Jackie didn't care, he wanted more money. He said that the week before Jackie left, they were all on a private jet to Las Vegas. That's what he's missing out on now.
Gary said that Jackie thinks that the kids joke machine he's going to be selling is the thing that's going to make him rich. Howard said it would be great if he came on but he knew the ten grand wouldn't make it happen. Robin said Jackie will come on if someday, someone gives him a great deal and pays him a lot of money. He'll come in to flaunt that.
Tom Chiusano came in and said that he told Jackie the week before the end of the contract and told him that there was no more money for him. He warned him not to leave because it wasn't like the other years and he wasn't going to get more money. Gary said Jackie mentioned the amount of money he was making that year and it was more than he made from 1997 to 2001.
Howard had some e-mail to read. People wrote in about Howard's Ugg's boots and how gay it is for him to roll them down. He said they got a lot of mail about Jackie and about the $10,000 contest they have going on with the celebrities. People also wrote in about the small penis picture on HowardStern.com. A bunch of people can't wait to see Jeff the Drunk and Jenny stuck together. Some other people wrote in about Artie's thoughts on dogs being left outside and not being in the house. They also think that Artie and Dana's relationship may not last through that stuff. Someone suggested that Artie give out Dana's phone number so someone else can pick her up when they break up. Howard said he doesn't think they'll last either. He said Dana wouldn't have gotten the dog if she wanted to be with Artie.
Artie said that he never really slept over at Dana's place much to begin with. He said that they talked about the whole dog thing they mentioned on the show yesterday.
A woman called in and said that she wanted to be invited to Howard's 50th birthday show. Howard's going to be 50 on his birthday next month. Robin said she wants to recognize that but she said they're not going to have anymore parties. Howard hung up on the woman who was trying to get invited to his party. He also said for some reason he agreed to let Sal the Stockbroker sit in during the news today. He blamed the fact that he can't sleep with his heating system making noise for his lack of judgement on that. He had to take a break right after that.
Judy said that she went to do another show and was told she couldn't curse and do the really edgy stuff. Judy went on to tell Howard that she doesn't like Bush but she doesn't hate the Republican party or anything like that. A woman called in and said that the comedy routines were a little worse than Judy was saying. She said that the whole room got pretty quiet at some points during the show.
Howard asked Judy what reasons people should vote for Dean. Judy said she's not sure now that all of this has happened. Howard asked Judy why she was calling in. She didn't even seem sure what the reasoning was but she pointed out that it's ridiculous that people are getting so upset about the whole thing.
Judy got in a couple of plugs for some upcoming gigs she has coming soon. Howard wrapped up the call after that and said that Judy was just trying to make people laugh with her material at that show.
Howard mentioned Sal the Stockbroker's new CD ''A Very Mouthy Christmas'' which is available at HorseToothJackass.com. Howard said that it looked like Sal was wearing makeup. Sal said he wasn't but then admitted he was wearing tanning cream. He said that he does that for the cameras. Howard told him his segment wasn't going to be on E! anyway. He said he thinks it's Neutrogena that he's using on his face. Howard said he thought Sal was kind of manly but the tanning cream threw that right out the window.
Howard explained how obsessed Sal is with Gary. He played a few samples from Sal's CD which is all Christmas songs about Gary and his teeth. Sal was cracking himself up listening to the songs. There are a total of 8 tracks on the CD.
A listener called in and said that he saw Sal at a comedy show and people were booing him because he was so bad. Stuttering John came in and said that it is kind of funny how Sal just starts goofing on Gary as soon as he sees him. Howard couldn't get over the tanning cream stuff on his face and kept going back to that.
Sal brought in some gifts for the guys. He gave Artie a bottle of Jack Daniels and gave Gary a bottle of Lavoris mouth wash. He said it's a small bottle and it'll only work on one tooth. Sal went on to talk about how he gets booed at some of these comedy shows he does. He also got in a plug for the comedy gig he's doing at McGuires Comedy Club in Bohemia, New York tomorrow night with Bob Levy and Yucko the Clown.
A woman called in and said that she had the boots Howard was looking for earlier for his daughter. Howard ended up giving the woman a prize that consisted of a trip to the studio to get a tour and have a lunch with Gary. He had Robin start her news right after that. Sal stuck around for the rest of the show.
During Robin's news Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) called in and said that Sal is actually a funny comedian, he doesn't know what the guy was talking about earlier. Sal got in another plug for their comedy show at McGuires tomorrow night after Levy called in.
Howard said he was listening to tape of the Billboard Awards first thing. He said that FOX can have Paris Hilton saying the F-word and the S-word on the air during the awards and no one gets pissed. He complained that he can't even say stuff even close to that and the FCC comes down on him but not FOX. Howard said they have a delay on FOX but they just miss it somehow. He played tape of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie talking about cow shit and not bleeping the words. Howard had to bleep them but FOX missed it. Robin said it was obvious that the two of them were reading from a script so they should have known ahead of time that the delay wouldn't cover it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was calling from a psychiatric hospital. Howard and Robin asked him what it was that he did to ended up there. He wouldn't say exactly what it was he was doing that led to him getting admitted to the hospital though. Howard asked him multiple times what it was but he didn't give a straight answer. Howard asked him what it was he could do for him and he still couldn't get a straight answer out of him. The guy said that the people in the hospital didn't want him to call into Howard's show. Howard told him that he wasn't a good caller so that didn't matter and he shouldn't worry about that stuff so much. The guy also said that the doctor wouldn't let him get a subscription to a gun magazine either. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy shortly after that. He said that he couldn't get through to the guy and said just imagine what they have to go through at the hospital. Howard and Robin talked about some mental guy who killed a couple of cats with a hammer recently.
Howard also talked about how they're trying to thin out the bear population in New Jersey by hunting them down. Howard said he feels sorry for them when he sees them dead. They talked about one bear that staggered out of the woods after being shot and died on the highway. Howard said he just doesn't get it. He said that he thinks that bears are even higher up on the chain than dogs. That led to Howard talking about how his dog, Bianca, loves to watch TV. He said that she reacts to the screen and will position herself and watch it. He said they had her watching the animated ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'' and whined every time she saw Rudolph on the screen. He said it's obvious they have thoughts and awareness. He said it was unbelievable and showed that they have some kind of intelligence.
Howard said that he thought that Dave Grohl and Triumph the Insult Dog were great together on the Billboard Awards. He said they were pretty brutal together. They were roasting people and pissing them off. Robin said she didn't see the show but did see some of the Trista and Ryan wedding. Howard read some articles about that wedding and how overexposed those two are. Howard found it hard to believe that the two of them went off on their honeymoon to be alone. Robin made fun of Trista about how excited she was to have helicopters flying around over her wedding. Robin said it was just as boring as a real wedding even though it was on TV. Robin said they had a lame ''combining of the sand'' ceremony that was supposed to represent the two of them joining lives.
Howard read some other stuff about the lame wedding and goofed on Trista a little bit. He said that she has managed to stay on TV a long time though and that's pretty good these days. He also talked about Ryan and how he was crying at his bachelor party. He called him a ''mimbo'' and goofed on him for writing poetry and all. He said that comes off as kind of ''faggy'' to him. Howard suggested that next year they can have the ''Trista and Ryan Christmas Divorce Special'' since the marriage probably won't last. Howard said Ryan will probably end up writing poetry to a dude eventually.
Howard had an update on Jeff the Drunk and Jenny who are handcuffed on each other for the ''Stuck on You'' contest. Howard said he heard that it was pretty mellow yesterday until Jeff got into a fist fight with someone at a bar. He said it was all calm during the day since Jeff was sleeping off what happened the night before. He said he can't wait to give the full update later in the show.
Howard said he'd talk about the Bobby Brown monthly arrest later. He also mentioned that they're going to do Howieweird Squares with a bunch of people. He had to take a break right after that.
A listener called in and talked to Howard about the Billboard Awards for a minute. He was bringing up the stuff about Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie that he already talked about. Howard hung up on him and talked about how strange Pink's belly looked on the show. He said she's not fat but she has a very oddly shaped belly. He also played a clip of Gwen Stefani singing and people told him she was off key. Robin said she just couldn't hear the music, that's what the problem was. Howard said you have to feel stupid performing like that up on stage. He said the rock star thing doesn't work for chicks like that.
Howard said Dave Grohl and Triumph the Insult Dog went off on a bunch of people there. He played some tape of Dave and Triumph talking. Howard wondered what kind of accent Robert Smigel is doing with that puppet. Triumph and Dave goofed on the host, Ryan Seacrest, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Madonna and others. Howard said the puppet is sounding like it's Hispanic but he thinks it's supposed to be Jewish or something. Some of the jokes were pretty brutal but funny. Triumph and Dave goofed on Michael Jackson and the whole American Idol thing. Howard said that Dave is good at talking to a puppet. He said he doesn't think that he'd be able to do that. Dave and Triumph were up on stage goofing on people for a very long time. Dave seemed to back out of a gay joke about Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard. Robin thought the whole thing was pretty good. Howard thought it was good too and was impressed with Dave being able to work with the puppet.
Howard took some more phone calls and heard that this guy Sixx accepted 50 Cent's award during the award show last night. Howard said he didn't see that but heard about it. He wasn't supposed to accept the award, he just ran up and took it. He's snuck into a few other award shows over the past few years and manages to get up on stage no problem. Howard had tape of that to play as well. Sixx usually thanks BB King in his speeches but seemed to have forgotten about that when he thanked a bunch of other people. Howard thought that was pretty funny and said they have to get a hold of him. Robin said his speech sounded like anyone else's speech.
Howard said he was looking forward to the Howieweird Squares game... but when he played the promo, it said it was ''Hollyweird Squares.'' He said that's what was written on the TV screens as well but his brilliant staff wrote down ''Howieweird.'' He complained about that for a minute and then talked about Jeff the Drunk and Jenny a little bit.
Howard said that Jenny ended up throwing up after Jeff the Drunk made a doody yesterday. Howard played tape of that where Jenny puked after Jeff took his dump. Howard said that was the real deal and Jeff didn't even realize what was going on. Jeff was outside the door and asked her if she was throwing up. She said ''No'' right after you could hear her gagging and vomiting into the toilet. Howard said she apparently didn't want to hurt his feelings since it was his stink that made her vomit. Howard had to take a break right after that.
Sixx the Grammy Crasher was on the phone after that. Howard said he might be his favorite character of all time. Sixx said he didn't make it down the red carpet this time. He said he showed up to the awards and they just gave him a pass to the show. He thinks that it's because he has that ''You look like somebody famous'' look about him. He said he was wearing a suit, tie and glasses looking like P. Diddy and got in. The award he accepted was the last one of the night so he figured he had to go for it. He even got to kiss Celine Dion who had no idea who he was.
Sixx said he didn't thank BB King last night because he doesn't return his phone calls. He said next time he may mention Howard's name. He said he was kicking himself last night after forgetting to mention Howard. He said he went back stage and did some press stuff and plugged his web sites GrammyCrasher.com and JackassInTheHood.com.
Big Black called in and said that he saw Sixx on the show and Beyonce was dancing down the aisle near him. He asked him what that was like. Sixx thought she was really hot but Howard said he doesn't think her body is all that great. He said her legs are too big. He and Sixx spent a couple more minutes talking and then Sixx got off the line. Howard played his speech again and Artie told him he has to get tape of him kissing Celine because it's so funny.
Howard read an article about a guy who killed his wife and couldn't take the smell anymore. He ended up calling the cops to tell them about what he did because of the smell. He and Robin talked about that for a short time.
Howard mentioned some other news like the fact that the finale of this season's ''Survivor'' is coming up soon. Robin said she hasn't watched it this season. Howard said it's actually been pretty good.
Howard mentioned the Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston news and goofed on them a little bit. Howard joked that when Bobby allegedly hit Whitney, it knocked the pipe out of her mouth.
Howard brought up the contest they have where they're going to give someone $10,000 if they can get a celebrity to call in. The celebrities include:
Howard had a bunch of tape to play from the concert he went to the other night. He just wanted to play tape of the DJs who introduce the bands. Howard first played Danni and Cabbie up on stage. Cabbie was pointing out his sack after Danni pointed out her huge boobs. Cabbie was yelling as usual. Julie Slater was also there introducing a band with some guy who used the F-word immediately. They both used it a couple of times. Howard introduced a band and didn't use the F-word. He mentioned weed and crank when he was up there instead. Howard played another one where Cabbie was on stage cursing and saying that Julie Slater was going to take her clothes off if the crowd was loud enough. Cabbie then introduced Howard and pointed out where he was sitting. Then Cabbie mooned the crowd. Julie Slater was yelling as well and Howard said he hates when women yell into the microphone like that. He thinks it has something to do with her sounding like a mother.
Gary also got to go up on stage with Dead Air Dave. Howard said he didn't want to hear Dead Air Dave though. He's the guy who hits the delay button on the show. Gary also rambled on about not cursing and said he was saving it for ''the good part.'' Howard didn't know what he was talking about so Robin had to explain it to him. Gary then introduces Porno Pete who was dressed as Santa. Then he curses as he introduces ''Blink F***ing 182.'' Howard said he just wants a producer, not someone who introduces bands like that.
Howard played tape of himself up on stage asking anyone if they had any weed. The crowd was almost silent after he mentioned that. He introduced ''Artie/DC'' who yelled out ''Fire!'' as he does so well. He had two drinks in his hand as well as the microphone. Stuttering John was also there so he brought him up on stage as well. Howard wasn't even sure if anyone cared he was there. John asked for someone to throw a doobie up on stage for him. Howard ended up talking about his dinner out with John that night and how John asked him if he wanted to split the dinner bill after he'd already signed his credit card slip for the dinner. Howard got back to the tape and where he finally used the f-word. Howard said he was hammered when he got up on stage.
A listener called in and said it sounded like Howard was goofing on people who smoke weed. Howard said he has smoked the stuff in the past but hasn't done it in the past couple of years. He doesn't enjoy it though. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy a short time later. He had to take a break but gave a quick promo for the upcoming Hollyweird Squares game. He said a couple of guys were going to be competing for the chance to be with a couple of whores. He took a break right after that.
Howard moved on to Randy who owns a sign shop and hasn't had sex in a year and a half. He said that the women he meets are ''big'' and he'd rather not have sex with them. He's 32 and thinks he's going through a mid-life crisis. He claims to have had a serious girlfriend in college but hasn't had one since. Howard talked to him for a few seconds and moved on to the game.
The girl moving the X's and O's in the game was Gretta from Scores. Howard spoke to her for a couple of seconds and then moved on to introduce some of the panel. Gilbert Gottfried was in one square. He said they have bigger celebrities than the real Hollywood Squares. Howard said they had the Black Guy from the sales department at the station and Jeff the Drunk and Jenny in another square. In the next row they had Shirley from GodHatesFags.com and GodHatesAmerica.com along with her 3 kids. They all hate gay people. Howard spent a minute with them and then introduced Daniel Carver from the KKK. He said he hates fags too when he was introduced. Howard asked Shirley if she hates other people like Daniel does. She said she doesn't hate, it's God who hates the fags. She's a civil rights lawyer.
Elephant Boy was in the next square. Howard asked him about his homosexual experience. Fred said he still loves women. Bobby Trendy from the Anna Nicole Smith show was in the next square. Howard spent a few seconds with him and asked him how he felt sitting under the fag haters. He said he didn't mind it at all. In the next square there was Caressa Kisses (CaressaKisses.com) and Rebecca Love (Videos) from the Kit Kat Ranch (KitKatRanch.com). Howard asked the girls how many guys they service in a day. Caressa said that she services about one guy per day. Rebecca is also a porn star so she has done a lot of guys in her life. Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard were in the next square. Howard was calling it the ''retarded square.'' Gilbert Gottfried said that this is the greatest crowd he's ever worked to. Shirley and Daniel both had some stuff to say about the Jews while they were talking to Gilbert.
Gary told Howard that the E! guys asked if they could take a commercial break because they lost all of their electricity. Howard spent a little more time talking to the guys before breaking though. Gilbert had Daniel saying the N-word over and over again for a couple of minutes. Gary the Retard even got in on it and said that he doesn't mind ni****s but doesn't like what they do. Wendy the Retard was asking him what's wrong with them. He didn't have much of a comeback though. Howard went to break so the E! guys could fix their problems.
Adam picked the whores next. Howard asked Caressa and Rebecca ''Is there prostitution in the animal kingdom?'' Adam agreed when the girls said No. Howard said he missed that one because there is apparently some baboons who offer sex for food. Randy was up next and went with the Retards for the win. Howard spoke to the retards for a few seconds and then asked them ''What do you call a chunk of ice that floats in the ocean?'' They both responded ''Blue.'' Randy won the game when he disagreed with them.
Howard spent a minute talking to Jeff the Drunk and Jenny about being handcuffed together. Jeff got into a fight last night at a bar so Howard asked them about that. He also pointed out that Jenny puked after Jeff took a dump yesterday. Howard asked the two of them how hard it's been being handcuffed together. Jeff said he can't stand being next to her and she's annoying. Gilbert asked her if Jeff farts a lot during the day. She said he does and he'd just farted as she said that.
Howard spoke to Fred the Elephant Boy for a couple of seconds and then talked to The Black guy from the sales department. Howard asked Daniel if he'd go to lunch with a black man like that. Gilbert asked Daniel what he calls black people just so he could get him to say the N-word.
They got back to the game a short time after that. Howard had Adam go first again. He picked The Retards as his first pick. Howard asked them ''Retards have an IQ between 0 and what?'' They both said ''five.'' Adam paused and then disagreed. He was right because it's between 0 and 70. Randy went next and picked Gilbert Gottfried. Howard had him do his Dracula impression this time. He then asked him ''The man who created Dracula was gay, true or false?'' Gilbert asked the Gay Bashers to help him out. He just wanted to hear them call them fags. He also had Daniel say the N-word again. Gilbert said that it was a false statement and Randy disagreed. He was apparently gay so he got the square.
Howard asked Bobby if he'd ever had sex with a gay black man. Bobby said he hadn't but Gary the Retard laughed out loud so Howard asked him what was so funny. Gary ended up saying that he doesn't like gay people but something was funny about that. By now there was mass confusion in the studio while everyone was talking to everyone else. Gilbert would ask Daniel what he would call Bobby just so he could hear him say the word ''faggot.''
Adam got to pick another square. This time he picked Elephant Boy. Howard asked him ''What animal has the largest penis?'' Fred said he thinks it's a whale. Adam said he wished he was deaf after hearing that. Adam disagreed with him and lost the square. Whale was the correct answer. Randy went next and picked Bobby Trendy to block. Bobby talked about his new show ''Bachelor Pad'' which starts soon. Howard asked Bobby ''What nickname did Liberace give to his boyfriend before he died?'' Shirley mentioned something about Liberace splitting Hell wide open when he died. Bobby said that he gave him the name of ''Trophy Boy.'' Randy disagreed and was right. He had 3 O's on the board.
Howard got back to Adam again and told him where he was on the board and it didn't sound good. He went with the Gay Bashers to block. Howard said hello to Grace and Megan who were with their mother in the Gay Bashers square. Howard asked the Gay Bashers ''How long is the average man's rectum?'' Shirley refused to answer. One of her daughters said ''one and a half inches.'' Adam disagreed and got it right. It's actually 8 inches. Randy got his chance for a second win when he picked Jeff the Drunk and Jen. Gilbert asked Jen to describe the smell of Jeff's dump. She said there are no words to describe that smell. Howard asked them ''What percentage of arrests in the U.S. are alcohol related?'' Jeff said it was 60 percent and Randy agreed. He was wrong so there were an equal amount of X's and O's on the board. Gilbert asked Jen if Jeff had made a pass at her yet. Jen said he did on the first night but she slapped his hand away. He swore that he was sleeping when he did it. Shirley made some comments about Jeff so he came back at her with something about her being a whore of the world... bitch.
Adam was up again so he picked Daniel Carver. Howard spent a minute talking to Daniel about coming into New York City. Gilbert also asked him to rate the Jews, the Ni****s and the fags. Daniel said that the Jews are on the bottom and the Fags and Ni****s were above them. Howard then asked Daniel ''President Calvin Coolidge was of black ancestry, true or false?'' Adam disagreed and got it right. Randy was up next and picked The Black guy from the sales department. Howard asked the guy ''What nationality is Tiger Woods' girlfriend?'' Black guy said that she's Swedish. Randy disagreed and got it wrong.
There was one final square left for Adam to get right. The Whores, Caressa and Rebecca, were asked ''What did ancient whores from Egypt wear to show they were whores?'' The girls spoke for a few seconds and said they wore Clokes. Adam agreed and got it wrong. They wore lipstick as an advertisement. Adam actually had more X's on the board so he won. That tied up the game. To do the tie breaker Howard was going to have one question after taking a break.
Howard had them take the microphone away from her so they could continue the game. He said that Adam picked the Retards during the break so Howard asked Gary the Retard ''In what direction does the sun set?'' Gary said ''West Coast'' so Adam had to think about that. He finally agreed and got it right. Howard said the guys agreed that they were going to have a one question play off since they were tied before the break. That meant that Adam won the contest and won the date with Caressa and Rebecca. Robin wondered how Gary knew the right answer.
Howard gave Randy a $50 gift certificate to Tower Records for playing the game. Howard then described the girls quickly to Adam. Howard gave everyone their plugs so here are some of those:
Wendy the Retard was still snoring and moaning in her sleep. She was saying that she wants to bang Howard. Howard swore she was asleep as she was saying she wanted to bang Howard who was her ''sugar pudding.'' Robin and Artie were thinking she was doing a bit. Howard said she was really asleep after Gary the Retard woke her up. It still wasn't clear if she was doing a bit or not. Howard went through each of the ''celebrities'' and let them get in their plugs. There was a lot of discussion about the bible going on between the Fag Bashers and Daniel Carver. Howard said that most of the racist comments were made by Gilbert Gottfried for some reason. Wendy gave Gary the Retard a kiss before the end of the segment. The Fag Bashers said they'll be out picketing in a couple of various places. She said you can find dates on their web sites if you want to picket them back.
Bobby Trendy asked Shirley when she's going to go to West Hollywood and picket so he can laugh at her. She said they were just there for Bob Hope's funeral where they were picketing. She said that Bob Hope was a ''fag enabler.'' Howard asked her if she would disown her kids if one of them turned out to be gay. She didn't want to go down that road but said she would say goodbye to them if they came to her and said they were gay. Howard wrapped up the game and went to commercial break again before Robin's news.
As Robin was getting ready to start her news she said that saying goodbye to everyone after the game was pretty funny. She said that the fag bashers never break character and keep preaching even when they're not on camera. She said even Daniel comes over and shakes her hand after something like that. She said she feels really bad for Jenny who is handcuffed to Jeff the Drunk for another day. She talked about all of that before Howard had her start her news.
Howard started off the show giving his breakfast toast to Artie. Artie started to do his Rush Limbaugh impression to thank Howard for the toast. Howard said he had a Rush Limbaugh tape to play that he hasn't gotten to yet so that would give Artie even more of a chance to use that impression. Then they played some of Vinnie Favale's love tapes where he's scratching his balls and talking to Debbie about how he was looking forward to seeing her. Howard was trying to interpret what exactly it was he was talking about during that tape so he replayed it. Howard thought he was talking about using his hands on her and how she'd benefit from that if she was there. Robin was thinking he was talking about how she'd benefit from him rubbing his balls somehow.
Howard was looking forward to finding out what's going on with Jeff the Drunk and Jenny who are in the ''Stuck on You'' contest. He said there's not much going on with the other contest they have. They have a list of celebrities that they'd like to call in and anyone who can make it happen gets $10,000. He brought up some of the celebrity names on the list and thought more about it. He decided to take Drew Barrymore's name off the list because they're so uninterested in having her on. Howard said he almost had a run in with Robin Williams yesterday. He had Ralph run into a store to pick something up for him and he ended up getting stuck in an elevator with Williams. He said Ralph almost turned to him and said ''Howard Stern says you married your nanny.'' as he got out of the elevator. Howard said he was going to go into Barney's with Ralph but he was on the phone doing business.
Howard read some of the other names on the list of celebrities and explained why they wanted some of them to come on the show. Here's the list:
A listener called in and said that he saw that Mary McCormack was on E.R. last night. She's the actress who played Howard's wife in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard said he's not really in the Mary McCormack loop anymore though. He said she doesn't really invite him out to do stuff anymore. He said she lives in New York but doesn't spend a lot of time there since she's always working. He said she's also bound to have a baby soon. He started to sing to the Beatles' ''Yesterday'' as he was remembering her. He said he doesn't think that she puts enough into the relationship. Robin said she thought Mary brought him soup one time when he was sick but he said it wasn't like that. He said that she was sick and came over to his place and he made her soup. He wasn't even sure if that was right though.
Howard said he had to take a commercial break but ended up playing the Vinnie Favale tape again. Fred also threw in the AC/DC ''Big Balls'' song while they played that. Howard played another part of Vinnie's tape and goofed on him a little more. Robin said it sounds like the beginning of a trial transcript or something. Howard took a break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he saw ''Survivor'' last night. Howard said he did see it and it was very good. He and the caller talked about that for a short time.
Howard said that the movie ''Stuck on You'' got a good review in the paper he read. He said that they're the ones who put up the money for their Jeff the Drunk and Jenny contest.
Howard said they've taken Drew Barrymore's name off the list of celebrities for the $10,000 call in contest. He said they've now put Nicole Kidman and Billy Crudup on the list. Howard said Crudup is the guy who left his wife just a couple of months before his baby was due to be born. Howard said he wants to talk to him about that. Here's the updated list:
Howard said that it's going to cost like $180 billion to rebuild Iraq and now President Bush has told Germany and France that they are not allowed to bid on rebuilding the country. They're apparently pissed about that but Howard said ''Who cares?'' He and Robin talked about that for a short time. Howard said that took balls on Bush's part.
Howard played Outkast's ''Hey Ya'' song and sang it as ''Hey Now'' as he did a few days ago. Gary said that the guy from Outkast, Andre3000, wants to come in and perform the song for Howard. Howard said he'd love to have him in. Howard talked about how the band is two guys but they put out two solo disks because they apparently don't get along. Gary told Howard that the guy has a kid with Erika Badu who Howard really likes. Howard talked about how he likes a tall, thin black woman with a full afro. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that subject and said he'd love to bang a woman like that. He said he'd give it to her hard. He started playing a little more ''Hey Ya'' and had a song parody that someone had made up for his show. He went right into the tape of himself up on stage at Claus-Fest from last weekend where he was asking the crowd if they had any weed. Artie then does his AC/DC impression.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said the game they played yesterday was great. Howard said he wanted to do a late night version of Hollyweird Squares every week when he had the Saturday night CBS show. Robin Radzinski came in and said that they're going to run the Hollyweird Squares from yesterday next week, Tuesday through Thursday. Three full days of Hollyweird Squares. The caller told Howard that Daniel Carver sounded normal compared to the Fag Basher family. Howard said there was some weird stuff going on in their square. He said the two daughters looked like clones of their mother. He said he wanted to ask the kids if they ever just want to tell their mother to just shut up. They said she had a very odd smile on her face the whole time.
Captain Janks called in and said that he tried calling all of the celebrities on the list that Howard had. He said he tried to do it as a parent of a dying child. He said most of their people cared about what he was saying but Janks said that Star Jones' people told him that Star doesn't care about his problems. Gary said he spoke to Tom Cruise's people and said that doing the show wouldn't fit his schedule. Howard said that Julia Roberts is in New York so it wouldn't be a big deal to stop in there. Gary said Tom Cruise is doing the same thing. He's in town but won't do the show. Howard said Cruise doesn't want to hear him ask him why he's so upset when he's asked about being a homo. Gary wondered if Howard would even be able to get to the whole Scientology thing during a 5 minute call. Howard said he could get to that no problem. Robin told Howard about how Scientologists think they can help clear toxins from World Trade Center firefighter's systems. Howard said he'd ask about that as well.
Big Black called in and brought up Star Jones and her boyfriend. Howard said they had some tape of her to play where she talks about the boyfriend. He played that tape and pointed out how tough it is for her to just breath. She talked about how she met the guy while she was at a concert. Howard said he wanted that guy put on the list of celebrities for the $10,000 contest. Howard said he thinks the guy may have been hypnotized to think that Star is actually attractive. He said he can't wait for the guy to snap out of it. He also said he'd like to remake the movie ''Shallow Hal'' with Halle Berry and Star Jones with the guy from Outkast playing Hal. He had to take another commercial break shortly after that.
Howard said that this promotion is really hard core. They had to take Issac off the whole thing because he was so broken down by it. Issac was in the studio and said he was ready to physically punch him at some points. He said that Jeff got really pissed at him and took a swing at him. Howard read the rest of Issac's letter and he describes how he almost puked when he saw Jeff naked. He talked about the disgusting things on his body and stuff like that. He also seems to think that Jenny may have a bit of a crush on Jeff. He said she might like the fact that he can go out and have so much fun. Issac also talks about Jenny's apartment and how nice it is but it doesn't have any furniture in it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Issac really isn't himself these days after covering that nightmare. He said that Issac asked him to pull him from the shoot because it was so messed up. Doug said this guy Adam is just as worn out because he's been covering the overnights on the shoot. Howard said he was going to send Issac to Scores to recover from all of this. Issac said he's really burnt out after that whole thing. He said he needs to sleep for like 12 hours.
Issac said that Jenny is a saint for being able to put up with Jeff's crap the whole week. Issac didn't know how she didn't hit him, put a cigarette out on his face or something like that. He said he wanted to do that himself.
Howard had more notes from Doug Goodstein who wrote that Jeff went into one of his coughing fits after smoking some weed. Howard played some tape of Jeff coughing uncontrollably and it was very disturbing. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard it. Jeff coughed and said he's alright after wheezing and almost gagging. Doug said he grabbed a beer after that and just started drinking it.
Howard had tape of Jeff walking away from a discussion that Jenny was having with Gary the Retard. As he walked away Jenny fell over because he moved so quickly. She didn't even get pissed though, she just let it happen. Jenny also seems to care about Jeff and tried to tell him to eat better but he took that as a criticism and called her some names when she suggested a better diet. In another clip where Jeff and Jenny went to a bar and a guy walked in after seeing an unattended beer on the table and started to drink it. Jeff got pissed and told the guy to get lost. After that they had to catch a cab but the guy who stole Jeff's beer was hanging around and threw a bottle at the cab as they drove away. Jeff was calling them ''Crack Ni****s'' as they were driving away. He was cursing out the crackhead guy as they drove away as well.
Issac said that Jeff really stinks too. He said that after the Hollyweird Squares game yesterday, he took Jenny up to the bathroom and let out a fart that covered about 5 times as much area as a normal fart does. They talked about that for a minute and Howard told Issac that he's now got his own Vietnam to get over.
After the ''date'' Adam thanks Howard for everything and talks about how great the girls were at their job. He was at a loss for words after that. He didn't even know what to say. Howard and Doug talked about Adam's blindness for a short time as well. Howard wrapped up the discussion and gave the Kit Kat Ranch web site a plug... KitKatRanch.com.
Sean the White Rapper called in and told Howard how great the Hollyweird Squares game was yesterday. He said he's been listening for like 25 years and it was the best show ever. The guy also insulted Howard saying that he was finally thinking on his own without the guidance of Jackie or Billy West.
A listener called in and said that Brooke Burke was bad mouthing Howard in an interview recently. Howard said that the interview he did with her was boring and she was horrible. He said he hates when people blame him for bad interviews when it's them. Howard said she married a plastic surgeon and it's starting to show on her face. He said she has no talent and she hasn't done anything in her life anyway. Howard wondered what she's done after saying that. He said he knows some stuff about her that's pretty nasty. He said she's picking a fight with the wrong person. While he was talking about that he got a phone call from his daughter so he quickly told Fred to take a break.
Ben said that he's been a fan of the show and has been waiting for them to ask him to be on the show. He said this was the only way he could get on the show. Howard and Robin said that's a lie because they've asked him to be on before. Howard started off with Jennifer Lopez questions. He asked Ben about J-Lo's former marriage and if he did anything with her while she was still married. Howard said he had a ton of questions for him. Howard asked Ben about a comment he made in an interview about his sex life. Ben said that he never said his sex life was boring, it's just normal like anyone else's. Howard brought up the story of Ben going to a strip club to find other women. Ben claims that the woman who claimed he gave her oral sex was lying and that whole thing was made up so she could make some money. He said there are a lot of things that come out. They supposedly went back to Christian Slater's house after that with the women but Ben said that he never went into the house with the strippers and he has 5 witnesses that will back him up.
Howard asked Ben about his wedding being called off and what was up with that. Ben explained that they just got tired of all of the coverage it was getting. Howard quickly moved on to ask Ben about how long it took for him to get into J-Lo's pants after meeting her on the set of ''Gigli.'' Howard and Robin both sarcastically said that the movie was great as they talked about that. Ben said he was dating someone at the time. That led to them talking about how he dated Gwyneth Paltrow and how she apparently bad mouths Ben these days. He said he didn't think that was the case though.
Howard tried to find out how long it took for Ben to get in J-Lo's pants again. He said they dated for a while and it took a little time. He said that when they did finally have sex it was amazing. Howard asked him if she ever yelled out ''Puffy'' while they were having sex. Howard wondered if he ever thinks about how P. Diddy had her before he did. Ben said that Howard dated Robin Givens so he should know what that's like.
Ben got in a plug for this charity the money is going to go to from this contest. It's for some A.T. Children's Fund. He said there's a longer name that he can't pronounce, that's why it's just A.T.
Howard asked Ben if he's actually going to marry J-Lo. Ben said hopefully he will. He said his mother likes her unlike what some articles say about that. Robin also brought up the stories about Jen's mother and how Ben has to buy her a lot of gifts. Ben said that stuff isn't true either. He also denied having a gambling problem. He said he doesn't bet $250,000 on a hand of poker like some people claim. Howard said he saw him on Celebrity Poker and he was a pretty good poker player.
Ben asked when he can come in and get an interview in the studio. Howard said he will have to do that sometime but he had more questions for him. He asked Ben if he thinks about how Jen has been married twice before. He said he's got to think that there's something wrong there. Ben said that everyone's had problems in their relationships and her's has just been more publicized than most. Gary came in and told Ben to come in next week because they have a whole open week. Ben said he has to fly out to L.A. but he may stop by when he comes back.
Gary also asked Ben if they knew how bad ''Gigli'' was going to be when they were shooting it. He said they tried doing a bunch of reshoots but a dog is just a dog sometimes and you can't fix it. Howard asked him if he's afraid that Jennifer is going to blow up like Star Jones some day. He said her mother isn't like that so he's not afraid of that.
Howard told a story about how former DJ Booker once called him and said he was going to drop by with Jennifer Lopez one time. He said he was in his pajamas and changed clothes, brushed his teeth and waited for them to show up. He waited for an hour or so and they never showed up. Booker blew him off though and she never made it up there.
Stuttering John asked Ben if there's any cellulite on Jen's ass. He said she's tight and there is none. He also asked Ben if he's ever had other women in bed with Jen. He said that hasn't happened in this relationship but it may have happened in the past. John also got in a question about Ben's hair and if it's a weave or something. Ben said he has a ''knit'' in there.
Howard said that when he has Ben in the studio he's going to put together a little poker game. John said that Matt Damon is a fan of the show as well but he's afraid to come on. Ben said that now that he's heard this interview, he may change his mind. Howard said his opinion of Ben has gone up since he called in. John threw in another question for Ben and asked him how much he made on the last movie he did. He said he made a lot more than he deserves. He hinted that it was close to $15 million.
Howard told Ben that he thinks he may be going through his money a little too fast. Ben said that he's got plenty of money and he has saved it. Both Gary and John said that they've heard that Ben is a huge tipper. Ben said he used to be in the service industry and he thinks tipping is very important.
Jennifer was there with Ben so the guys asked her to say something. She whispered out a ''hi'' and that was it. Howard had Ben ask her some other questions but she ran out of the room. John was asking him to talk about some other stuff like how good she is at oral and stuff like that. Howard wrapped up the interview after that. Ben got in a plug for his movie ''Paycheck'' that comes out on December 25th.
Ben gave them more than the required 5 minutes. He gave them 25 minutes no problem. John thought it was funny that they got Ben and they can't get Jackie (the Joke Man). John said this might be the way to get guests that are hard to get. Gary said that they are going to continue this next year and the money might go up. Howard and the guys talked about some of the other people on that list that they'd like to hear from. He also said he found it interesting that Ben swore on his future children and mother that he wasn't even in the house with Christian Slater and the strippers that was reported in the National Enquirer. He had to take a break before talking to Mike Walker about that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he didn't hang up earlier during the Ben Affleck interview. Howard went to take his call and he wasn't there. Dominic was on a cell phone and it cut off. Howard told him to pull over and wait for him if he's going to call in like that. He hung up on him a short time later.
The National Enquirer's Mike Walker was on the line so Howard put him on. Mike said that the best part of the Ben Affleck interview was when Howard admitted to banging Robin Givens. Howard said he never said he did that, Ben is the one who said he banged her. Howard didn't think that was fair.
Howard also pointed out that Ben claimed that he wasn't in the house with Christian Slater like the National Enquirer reported. Mike said they stand by their story 100 percent. Mike said he can't go into the specifics of the case Ben has against the Enquirer but he will say that they stand behind their story 100 percent.
Mike said that Ben's denial of placing huge bets in Vegas is crazy as well. He said that they've reported on that and the fact that he tips people big money. Mike said he tips so much that it goes into the tens of thousands of dollars. Mike thought Ben's ''performance'' earlier was pretty amazing. Mike also said that they back up Ben's claim that he doesn't wear a wig. Mike also told Howard that he really does bet big money when he gambles.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) came in to give Howard a gift. Howard said that Chaunce did an interview with Lizzie Grubman recently and she explained why she didn't come on the show when she was scheduled. She says that she will do the show eventually. Gary came in and said that her people said that they'd call back when she could come in and he hasn't heard back from them. Chaunce told Howard that she is afraid of Howard and that's why she won't come in. Howard said he will run her over with a car when she comes in. Howard said she's got problems.
Chaunce liked the interview with Ben Affleck but he said the guy just can't act. Mike said the same thing. Howard said he didn't like him before, but today he did. Howard went on to explain how Lizzie Grubman ran over a bunch of people at a club and that's why he doesn't like her.
Chaunce gave Howard the gifts he brought in for him. Howard gave him the bottle of French champagne back because it was French. Howard told him it didn't have to be French and it could have been a better gift because he makes $250,000 a year. Chaunce wasn't aware that buying French champagne was wrong. Mike said that Corbel champagne would have been fine. Chaunce told Howard that he got something for Ronnie the Limo Driver as well. Howard eventually told Chaunce to stop babbling so he could get to Mike Walker.
Howard said that John was talking to Gary earlier and Gary said he's going to have fun this weekend. He's going to get drunk and go shopping at Target for less fortunate people. Gary said John had it wrong though. He's going out with 40 other people in a bus and they're going to get drunk and go shopping. He thinks it's going to be fun but Howard and the guys just goofed on him about that.
Howard had to move on to the Mike Walker Gossip Game. He quickly had Mike get to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had to take a break but played Jeff the Drunk's coughing fit first. Chaunce told Howard that Jeff was in the green room smoking pot and he couldn't take it so he had to run out of there. Howard went to break a short time later.
Gary said that Jen and Jeff have a thing going. She pulls out a beer from her bag and helps Jeff stand up when they have to get moving. Jen said that if Jeff wanted to change and stop drinking and smoking, she would volunteer to nurse him to health. Jeff told her ''Shut up bitch'' while she was saying that. She also said there's nothing wrong with Jeff and doesn't know what these people have against him. She asked what was wrong with them. Howard couldn't understand what she was talking about. Howard thought she might have the Stockholm syndrome where she has fallen for her captor.
When Jeff takes a drink he has to lift Jen's arm up high and he doesn't seem to care. Jen said he really doesn't care and doesn't warn her when he's going to do it. Jeff said he feels fantastic that they're going to be released from their shackles. Jeff was very mellow and it seemed that he was about to cry. Jen thought he was because he'd been in a nice home for a week. Jeff started to cry so Howard asked him what was wrong. He cursed so Howard had to hit the delay on him. Then Jen started to cry along with Jeff. Howard kept asking them why they were crying but Jeff denied he was crying. Jeff said he feels like he's been picked on. Jen was feeling Jeff's pain.
Jen, who was holding back tears, told Howard that Jeff tries to do everything himself and she feels for him because everyone rejects him. Jen said that he's on her Christmas card list. Jeff said even Howard doesn't send him a card. Howard told Jeff that Jen really does care about her. He wanted him to say something nice to her. He didn't know what to say. Jen started to cry and said that without Jeff, she wouldn't have this money that she needs. Jeff told her not to cry and gave her some of those clicks with his mouth that he does when he's talking to women. Like what you do when you want a horse to giddy up.
Howard had the guys unhook the two of them. Howard felt that Jeff was upset that they were being unhooked. Jen said that she wasn't upset about it either. Howard said this reminded him of the movie ''Swept Away.'' Robin said she was shocked at the outcome. Jeff let out a big belch after they were released. Jen let out a sigh of relief. Gary then brought in the $20,000 check that was courtesy of the movie ''Stuck on You.'' Jen said she'll go to see the movie and she's going to use the money to help her husband and to buy some furniture. She said she only had 2 chairs and Jeff broke one of them.
Howard said Jeff was paid for the promotion as well. He didn't say how much he made though. Gary said that this didn't seem to bother Jeff because it didn't stop him from doing anything he would have normally have done.
Jen said that her husband needs a heart transplant and the transplant list is long. She said she'd going to use some of the money to help him out. Howard took a phone call shortly after that from a guy who was crying as he was listening to Jen and Jeff crying. Another caller called Jeff a pussy and told him this was all over. Artie started doing his impression of Jeff after that. Jeff was bragging that he only smoked 10 doobies this week. He said he usually smokes 5 a day. Artie did an impression of him saying that he doesn't smoke too much and then started coughing like Jeff does where it sounds like he's going to die.
Howard congratulated the two of them and started to wrap up the segment. Jeff wished everyone a Merry Christmas. Gary also came in and said that they have a new sponsor called The Door Store and they're going to give Jen $2000 worth of furniture. She thanked them for that and Howard went to commercial break.
Howard said they're going to end up at Scores after the Christmas party so he wondered why he's not doing it. Gary said that he's going away this weekend and next weekend he's working so his wife wanted to do something. She wanted to do this party and he thought it sounded like fun. Gary said that he'd rather be drunk at Target than at someone's house for 3 hours.
Howard asked Daniel if he thought that Artie was going to win this thing. Daniel said he knew he'd win in the end but it just took him a couple of days to get into it. He said he just picks the healthiest looking team like you'd pick the healthiest looking dog in a dog race. Howard asked him what he looks for in a black person. Daniel said he looks for someone who's motivated to win.
Howard told Daniel that he had to go first because he's in the lead. He said if he just picked the same teams as Artie, he would win the Pool. Daniel said he was going to go with the Baltimore Ravens. Artie was up next but Daniel was goofing on him about how he was losing. Artie picked the Bengals to win.
Gary the Retard was on the line next. He still thinks he has a chance to win but there's only 3 more weeks left and he has no chance now. Gary said he was going with ''the people with black'' but Howard wasn't sure who he was talking about. Howard asked him if he was talking about the Seattle Seahawks. He said that was it... The same team he's picked almost every week so far. Artie started to goof on him a little bit but Gary told him to shut up and called him ''Arnold.'' Sanders the Chicken picked the Green Bay Packers according to Will, Sanders owner. Here are the standings so far: