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Howard started off the show talking about the final episode of Survivor that aired last night. Robin said she watched as well but said she didn't care about this season so she turned it off. Howard talked about how this woman came close to winning but didn't pick the guy who was hated by all. Gary came in and got in on the discussion and talked about how dumb the woman came off. Howard said the person who makes that choice in the end always loses. Howard said he was exhausted after staying up to watch that.
Robin told Howard that she went to see John Stamos in ''Nine'' and hung out with him the other night. She and Ralph were hanging out together that night. She said she loved the show and said that John was great in it. Howard said he didn't go because he heard it was boring. He jokingly said that he heard that from John's wife Rebecca. He said he was just kidding though. Howard said he had a choice, either go to see ''Nine'' or hang out with some friends and drink. He decided to drink instead of going go see a 3 hour long play. It ended on Sunday so he'll never get to see it. Robin said that John talked to her about John Stamos telling her about hanging out with Howard and telling his daughter and how he didn't want to talk to her because he was trying to save his voice. Robin went on to tell Howard about some of the other stuff she did over the weekend. She hung out at a friend's house who was having a party. She told Howard about what she was drinking and how she got in on ''The 12 Days of Christmas'' singing that everyone was doing at the party.
A listener called in and told Howard how great he was in his movie ''Private Parts'' and wondered why he didn't win an Oscar. Howard said he can't believe it himself. Howard said he couldn't remember who won the award that year but he remembers thinking that he was better than that person.
A listener called in and told Howard about the so called ''retraction'' that was in the NY Times over the weekend about a story that was incorrect about Howard's ratings up in Vermont. The retraction was lame and didn't really explain what was reported incorrectly. They had claimed that Howard was being ''crushed'' in the ratings up there by this guy ''The Coach'' but they don't beat him in the ratings, they're about 7th in the ratings while Howard is in 4th.
Howard took a call from a listener who wanted to know what he thought about Saddam Hussein being caught. Howard talked about how funny it was that he seems to be disguised as Fidel Castro. Howard talked about what he thought of the capture and what he thinks will happen. He said that he thought it was kind of comical when they caught him. He said he's like a comic book villain. He also joked that they're partying like it's 1899 over there in Iraq. He thought that Saddam looked like Santa Clause when they pulled him out of his hiding hole. Howard said he felt bad for the guy who had to open up Saddam's filthy mouth to inspect him. Robin said she heard that Hussein used to be a clean freak before he was ousted. She said that he used to make people take a bath before meeting him.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said that Hussein may be tried by the Military since he may be charged with war crimes. Howard said it would be crazy to let people in his country try him. There were also rumors that Saddam's ex-wife turned him in so Howard and Cabbie thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said that he couldn't get over the end of Survivor and how that dopey woman lost the million bucks by not picking John to go to the finals with her.
Howard talked about how great the food was at the restaurant and what a good time they all had there. Howard said he had a new suit that he wore to the restaurant. He said he went over to Barney's and got a new one last week. He wore that to the restaurant. He said he doesn't wear a tie though, he just wears a t-shirt under it. Howard said he'd worn the same suit for the past 2 years so he figured it was time for a new one. He bought a new Hugo Boss suit and it looks similar to the old one.
Howard said he was out with his publicist Dan Klores one time and he told him that he doesn't wear underwear with his suit. Howard said that was weird and wondered why he even told him that. He said that was kind of creepy and that's all he remembers about hanging out with Dan back when he was helping promote ''Private Parts.''
Howard said that a lot of the ''Survivors'' have moved out to L.A. Gary said that Christa came up to him at one point and asked why Howard wouldn't put her on the show. She says she's a babe. She also lifted up her skirt and showed off her thong. Gary said that she could stand to lose a couple of pounds though. She also wanted to show him her vaginal piercing but he didn't want to see that. She was there with her husband and her mother. Howard said that he'll have her on the show if she wants. She's willing to get naked and tell sex stories, that's all Howard needed to hear. He said he'd book her for the show even if she wasn't on ''Survivor.''
Howard talked about the rerun of the Trista Rehn wedding and how awful that was. The guys talked about how horrible she is and how annoying she really is. Howard complained about her baby talk and how annoying that is. Howard also complained about her hair style on the wedding day. He wondered why women do that to themselves. Gary said he went on a prom date one time where the girl changed her hair style and he didn't even want to go on the date because she looked so odd. Howard said he skipped the Jet game to watch that awful thing. He said it was very upsetting.
Robin said she spent a day at the vet's office with one of her cats. She said the cat has been very sick lately and she wanted to be there with it while they were taking care of it. Howard said that his dog started to whine when he wasn't there at the apartment over the weekend. Robin said that her cat had been listless and she had to scoop him up off the floor to bring him to the vet. Robin said she's going to do what she can to make his quality of life better for Max. He's 16 years old and has arthritis and a few other things wrong with him.
Gary said he went to Sam Simon's house over the weekend and met his dogs. He heard from Sam that Artie thought one of his dogs tried to bite him. Artie said that the big Irish Wolf Hounds attacked him and licked him as soon as he got there. He said he asked Sam to put them outside and was offended by that. Artie really doesn't like dogs for some reason.
Howard said they've been getting some Christmas cards this year but have only gotten them from Tony Bennett and the Tonight Show staff. Robin said she got one from Kreskin. Howard said he got one as well but he was talking about ''celebrity'' cards and Kreskin apparently doesn't count. Howard said he's going to send out cards himself this year. He said some people are just getting cards but Robin will be getting a gift as well. Howard had to take a break shortly after that discussion.
Howard played an audio clip from a porno that was very odd sounding. He joked that it was from the party that Robin went to the other night. He didn't say what porn it was from though.
Big Black called in and said ''They got him!'' and then said ''You got Ben Affleck on your show'' talking about last week's surprise guest. Howard said he heard from his door man that they'd caught Saddam over the weekend and he thought it was a joke and was waiting for a punch line. Howard said Ben's appearance on the show last week made news for some reason. He had some audio clips to play but ended up talking about the plans Gary has to go out to a Target department store with about 60 people who are drunk to go shopping with less fortunate people. Howard said there are a lot of people who are upset with Gary about talking about Target the way he was. Someone thought Gary was saying that the store is only for white trash. Gary said it wasn't his idea to do that whole thing, he was just invited to go. Someone even thought that Howard was doing product placement while they were talking about Target. He said he'll tell people if he's doing that though.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he felt like he could still feel that handcuff on his arm. Howard said he's probably got permanent damage from that. Howard asked him if he remembers falling down on the pavement and smashing his head. Jeff said he doesn't remember that at all. Howard went on to talk about how weird it was that Jeff was crying at the end of the contest on Friday. Jeff said he wasn't crying and no tears came down his face. Jeff said that chick brought him down. He said he's usually a happy person and that woman emotionally drained him.
Jenny called in and said she spent some time crying out in the hall after the show. She said she just wanted some time to say what she really wanted to say. She read some stuff that she wrote down after the contest was over. She rambled on about some stuff that Howard thought was a bunch of B.S. Howard asked her what she was really upset about. She said it was all about love and how Jeff did the contest because he loves the show. Jenny claimed that she was upset because her father was an alcoholic and Jeff reminded her of him. That's why she was crying. She said it was like putting her father to rest after spending that week with Jeff the Drunk.
Jeff the Drunk said that he was emotionally drained by Friday and that's why he was crying. Howard said he doesn't even know what's going on with himself. Gary said that after her segment they put the camera on Jen again and she started to cry. She was telling the E! camera what had just happened and then started to cry as she talked about her alcoholic father. She talked about how her father only made it to 52. Jeff said that he hopes he can make it that far, he's only 36. Howard and Jenny said they thought he was older than that. Howard wrapped up the calls shortly after that. Jeff asked Howard if he could play the song he performed for them. Howard wasn't sure if he even had it. He played some more of Jenny breaking down and crying about her father. She was really upset and could barely speak as she was talking about her father. Howard also threw in some more of the porn audio he played earlier. Howard joked that it was Jack Nicholson and Amanda Peet from their new movie.
Howard played some clips from news stories about Ben Affleck doing his show. ''Extra'' covered it and made a pretty big deal out of the whole thing. Another news program covered it as well but they weren't all that nice about Howard's interview. ''Access Hollywood'' covered it as well but Howard said he could barely understand what they were talking about. All of the reports pointed out the point where Jennifer Lopez says ''hi'' and you hear everyone saying ''Whoa!''
Howard said he wanted Jeff the Drunk back on the phone. He said he heard that Jeff has watched ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'' 37 times with his mother and has it memorized. He said he wants to hear him recite the show. Robin said ''What a waste!'' after hearing that. Jeff was on the line a minute later. Howard asked him if they watch it together. He said they watch the show on separate TV sets even though they live in the same house. Howard wondered why they don't watch it together. Jeff said he doesn't have to hold her hand. He said that he knows the story line so Howard had him describe it. Jeff starts off the show talking about how Christmas was canceled and all of that. Howard wanted to hear the whole script but Jeff started to get a little embarrassed. Howard convinced him to keep going. Howard said he could do it but he might need to be drunk to do it the right way. Howard got annoyed and said he knows that Jeff knows the whole thing, he's heard from people that he can. He got off the line a short time later.
A caller told Howard that he needed Gary to help him find a song because he wants to play it for his dying wife. He said a few words and Gary told him it's a song by The Manhattans. Howard thought the call was very strange and didn't know what was going on.
Howard said that they forgot Scott the Engineer's birthday on Friday. That's typical for Scott, always the forgotten one. Howard read that some of their company's radio stations are now broadcasting on AOL for Broadband. He said he doesn't know why they'd start doing that all of a sudden unless Mel (Karmazin) is getting paid.
Howard read an article about how the spread of the Flu can be from shaking hands and someone suggests that we start bowing to people like Asian people do. Howard said he hates shaking hands and might start bowing. Robin said she's going to start bowing as well.
There was another guy who said that the problems with mercury in fish could be stopped at the source if they stopped companies from dumping the stuff in the water. Howard said that's true and he likes to eat fish so they should stop the mercury dumping. Howard said he would vote for a guy running for President if he said he was going to stop that stuff.
Howard said a lot of people liked the Hollyweird Squares game they played last week. Howard also said that he's only got 2 years left on his radio contract but he's already begun writing his final show. He said he wrote something about how he spent his entire adult life on the radio... and that was as far as he got. He said he also mentioned something about how if he makes it to the age of 80, he'll make a return to radio. While they were talking about that Artie was doing his impression of Rush Limbaugh goofing on him. Howard also played tape of Limbaugh talking about his medical records being seized. That led to Artie and Howard goofing on Limbaugh even more. They did that for a short time and then went to commercial.
Howard mentioned what Lauren Hill did at the Vatican at a concert she was performing. Howard described it as her ''bitch slapping'' the church. She said some nasty stuff about Priests raping young boys and stuff like that. Howard said he'd bang her so hard her hair would straighten out. He said he wanted to bang her before and he wants to bang her even more now. Howard did his Pope impression and goofed on that for a short time. Howard said that the priests started praying that Lauren Hill would marry Bobby Brown so he could put her in her place.
Howard said that Liz Smith has been commenting on his feud with Don Imus. In the column she talks about Howard being a pig. Howard said that if anyone knows about pigs, it's Liz because she is one. He said that she looks like Andy Rooney but Robin said that he shouldn't insult Andy like that.
Howard said he got an e-mail from someone about Gary being a good looking guy and how they should recognize that more. Howard said he's never thought of Gary as a good looking guy. Some other e-mailers thanked Howard for pointing out the bear hunt in New Jersey. Howard seems to think that it's not right even if there are bears coming up to people's homes and causing damage.
Howard said a listener made up a CD of some of Frank Zappa's best songs and wanted Howard to listen to it in his car. Howard said Robin wouldn't be able to make it through much of it. The first song was ''Call Any Vegetable.'' He played another one that was supposed to be a different song but it was actually part 2 of ''Call Any Vegetable.'' He played another one that was even worse called ''Cletus Oretus Oritus'' or something like that. Then there was one that started out okay but got really goofy pretty quick. Howard threw in the porn clip he'd been playing all morning and it wasn't far off from that song. There was one song that was okay called ''Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.'' That one went all wrong too. Howard said he means no disrespect, it's just not his kind of music. He said he likes the family and didn't want to insult them.
Howard said he read an article in Maxim magazine about mall Santa's and how many actually have criminal records. They say that 20 percent of them have criminal records. He spent a minute on that and then found some other stuff to talk about.
Howard put the word out that they're looking for hot women to play ''Stump the Booey.'' He also said if guys want to play and they have a hot woman willing to get naked, they can play as well. He said you can call 800-44-STERN to get in on that.
A listener called in and said that his son was born with no arms and no legs. He said his wife was killed by a drunk driver about 7 years ago. Howard wasn't buying the story at first but let the guy go on. The guy said that the kid does have a penis but his legs are only about 2 inches long. He said he's going to be visiting New York City soon and wants to bring his kid up to the studio. Howard knew the guy was yanking him and found out he was 31 years old and his kid was 14 so he figured he had the kid when he was 15. He ended up hanging up on the guy.
Another caller told Howard that he was raped by 4 gay guys a few years ago. He said he's as straight as they come and didn't seem to be all that upset about the whole thing. He went on to tell Howard how he got drunk one night while visiting his gay father. He passed out and said he woke up to some pressure on his ass. He said he found a guy performing oral on him with his finger up his butt. He said another guy was up by his chest area and ended up beating the crap out of the guy who was giving him oral. The cops showed up a short time later and tackled him because he was beating the crap out of the guy. He ended up getting arrested even though he was the one getting raped. He was sent to jail and asked for a rape test to be done. He said that was not a fun time but it helped clear him because the State Police got involved. The guy said that he only woke up to one guy, there were actually a total of 4 guys who were giving him oral. He said the guy who he beat the crap out of just died of AIDS. About a month after the rape thing happened the guy found out that the gay guy had AIDS. He said that he didn't get it even though he was covered in his blood. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that. The guy said his father is gay and he had to call him and tell him about the whole thing. Howard ended up giving the guy a $500 prize after the call.
Howard and Artie goofed on the guy a little bit about something he'd said about joking about possibly having AIDS when he and his girlfriend were having sex after that incident. Howard then played Jeff the Drunk's Christmas song that he performed last week.
Howard said he heard that the new ''Lord of the Rings'' movie is the best movie ever made from the review he read. He hasn't even seen the second one yet and he doesn't get the whole thing. Robin said she loved the movies and anyone who read the book will love them. Howard asked Gary what he knows about the movie. Gary described the whole thing to Howard as best as he could. He wasn't even sure what all of the details were though. Howard said that he just doesn't get it at all.
Luis the board operator was upset with Gary's description of the movie and came in to tell Howard the right stuff. Howard wondered if he's one of those guys who play Dungeons and Dragons. Luis said that he did play that when he was younger. Howard goofed on him a little bit about playing a game like that. He said he knows he's a geek but he's never played a game where he pretends to be someone, or something, like the characters in the game. Howard got a little sidetracked and told Luis that he needs to shave the facial hair he has. He said that his upper lip looks like J-Lo's upper lip.
Howard asked Luis about the Dungeons and Dragons thing some more and wondered if the guys all got naked when they played. Luis said you're put in different situations and someone, the dungeon master, tells the story. Howard wanted to know all of the details of how they played because he figured they got dressed up in costumes and stuff. Luis told him they never got into that but some people may have done that. Luis told him that the game is based on rolling dice.
A listener called in and said that you have one guy who narrates the whole story in the game. Howard said that it sounds like an awful lot of work for that guy. Howard got back to the Lord of the Rings thing. Luis tried to explain that to Howard but Howard bailed out on it after about 10 seconds and said he didn't want to hear it. He did ask some questions about what Liv Tyler is doing in the movie and said that her long speech in the first movie was really boring.
Howard and Artie were goofing on the whole Dungeons and Dragons thing and how lame it seems to them. Captain Janks called in and interrupted them saying that he can 3-way them into a prank call he was going to do live. Howard said he wasn't sure he wanted to be part of that though. A short time later Janks was on hold with a news program. Howard knew who it was but didn't say anything because he didn't want to spoil it. Nothing happened so Howard had to bail out on the call. Janks said he was supposed to get on right away but he was still on hold a couple of minutes after getting Howard on with him. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said Tom took away the Christmas party 2 years ago and brought it back last year but it was horrible. He said it was the worst party ever last year and everyone talks about how horrible it is behind Tom's back. Howard thinks that Tom gets a free deal from the place where it takes place. Howard suggested holding it there at the radio station instead of going to a public restaurant. Howard said that he's the worst General Manager ever. Artie and Howard said they might bail out on the party and go to Scores instead. Robin said she won't go because she won't want to go to Scores with the guys.
Howard talked about how ridiculous the whole party was last year. He said he doesn't know what Tom is doing. Howard said legally they can't even call it a party because no one is having fun there. Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on Tom about the party. Tom came in a short time later and called Howard a Dick for goofing on him. Tom said that he heard a lot of good feedback about the party last year. Howard said he thinks that Tom must profit off the party or something. Tom said that's not the case though. He said he knows that people had a good time there. Howard said that Gary's not going, Scott's not going... He told Tom that the party just isn't a good one.
Gary came in and said that he didn't hate the party last year but he has enjoyed them in the past. He also said that Howard was miserable there last year. Gary reminded him of the fried food and how bummed he was about that. Howard said he's going to go for about 5 minutes and then go over to Scores. All of the guys said they'd be there at Scores. Howard wanted someone with balls to come in and say what they really thought about the party last year. Gary said that John should come in but he's afraid that Tom is going to get pissed at him.
John came in a short time later and complained about the party from last year. He complained about where it was held and how cramped it was and how hard it was to move around. One of the barbacks from last year's party called in and talked about how miserable everyone was at the party. He said it was horrible. Howard told Tom that he has to get a party planner or something. Howard was so miserable that he had to leave the party early. John said that Howard was so cramped in there that he had to move his chair when people walked by.
One of the sales girls from the back office came in and said that she had fun at the party. She also had fun at the party and after the party when she went to Scores. Howard said that everyone is going to bail out of the party and head to Scores instead. Gary said that they should hold the party at Scores to skip the other place.
Gary asked Tom about a rumor he heard about some goals the Sales department were setting. He heard that Tom asked the sales department what their best month could be. Then if someone said they could make like $70,000, Tom would tell them that he wanted them to make $90,000. Howard said maybe it's a good thing they have a sucky party, otherwise the hot sales girl would have to sell more.
Tom insisted that the space they used for the party was fine. Nicole the Sales girl said she's looking forward to it. Tom headed out after that and Howard took a commercial break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard started off the show with squealing headphones from Robin. She was trying to adjust the volume and they caused a little feedback. Howard said he wasn't sure where to begin the show today. He ended up talking about the NY Giants game against the New Orleans Saints where one of the Saints pulled out a cell phone and pretended to make a phone call. Artie called the guy a scumbag because he humiliated the Giants by doing that. Howard said the guy isn't a scumbag and maybe if he embarrasses the team a little more they'll get their act together.
Howard said that Saddam Hussein needs a ''Queer Eye'' makeover. That led to the guys talking about Saddam's dirt hole living quarters and how he was using a bucket as a toilet. They spent a couple of minutes on that before Robin changed the subject.
Robin brought up the TV show ''Rich Girls'' and how obsessed she is with it. She told Howard about some of the stuff that goes on in the show and how one of the girls produced a short film and had President Clinton show up to the premiere. She's only a high school senior but she provided the money for the film. Robin said the show makes her crazy. Howard talked about how he was outbid on a house one time by a rich kid when he was buying his first home. He said when that happened he wanted that kind of life.
A listener called in and said he heard about a rule that the FCC has about using the F-word as an adjective. Howard said that's not true but the FCC has not fined some people for saying it. He said that they understand that some stations don't mind if it's unavoidable and a radio station or TV station can't catch the word with their delay. Howard talked about how he's not allowed to say the word ''asshole'' but callers and guests can use it. He said that rule is his company's rule, not the FCC's. He also talked about how he can say the phrase ''titty bar'' but he can't just say the ''titty'' without using ''bar.'' Howard said that anything he does is actionable. Other shows don't get in as much trouble.
Another phone caller asked about satellite radio and if he could curse on that medium. Howard said you can curse on satellite because it's a subscriber service. Howard said he thought about going into that but a few years ago they were just starting out and they didn't have very many subscribers. He said that might be the future of radio but there still isn't that much of an audience. He thinks that it's still a little bit premature to go into that. He also thinks that he's winding down his radio career and it might be over by the end of his current contract. He said he may not know himself though and it may continue. The phone caller said he'd like to have Howard stick around and keep doing radio. Howard said he really hates getting up early, dealing with Tom and all of that. Then there's another part of him that likes doing the show. He said some people have suggested that he do an afternoon shift. He said that's not where the action is though. People are working during the day so the audience isn't as big.
Artie suggested that they record the show in the afternoon and play it in the morning. Howard said that's not topical then. It has to be live in the morning. The phone caller kept asking Howard to stick around after his current contract is up. He said he'd pitch in to keep him on the air. Howard said he really doesn't know what will happen then. He's got 2 more years left on his contract.
King of all Blacks called in and told Howard he hopes he sticks around and does satellite radio. Another caller asked Howard if he was at the David Bowie show the night before. Howard told her he can't stay out that late for something like that because of the radio show. She told him how Bowie did a lot of his old songs which is what Howard likes. He said he should have gone if he played the old stuff. He said he doesn't want to hear the new stuff at all. He and the guys talked about his old stuff and played his performance of ''I'm Afraid of Americans.''
Howard also talked about Aerosmith and how they have kept on putting out great music over the years. He said that they're geniuses. He said he saw them a few years ago and they were awesome. He played some of their new stuff for Artie to show him how good they still are. Artie said that their longevity is as good as the Rolling Stones. Howard and Robin said that the Stones can't write anything good these days though. Aerosmith is still putting out some good stuff. Howard played a few clips from their newer albums and said that they're still good. He didn't have their album ''15 Big Ones'' but he said ''Trust me, it's good.''
Robin said that she was talking about how the new ''Lord of the Rings'' movie is getting great reviews but Liv Tyler was interviewed and said her father, Steven Tyler, went to the premiere and fell asleep. That led to Howard reading some e-mail they got about the comments he made about not getting the appeal of the movies. Howard read some of the e-mail and people were correcting them about the incorrect information they were giving out about the movie. Someone even pointed out that Led Zeppelin makes a reference to the ''Lord of the Rings'' book in ''Ramble On.'' Howard ended up playing the song and sang along to it as they got to the part where they mention it. Howard was ready to bail out on the song but Artie told him to stick with it. He did that and sang along with it for a couple of minutes. He had to stop the song and take a commercial break though.
Howard said he had a ton of tape to get to but he also had some Christmas cards to read. He said he got one from Larry Flynt from Hustler magazine and it has a beaver shot inside when you open it up. Howard said they got cards from the band Incubus and William Shatner. Howard said he went to dinner with Shatner one night and he was calling his wife ''Lizzie'' and Beth called her that and was corrected and told that it's Elizabeth. Howard also said that Shatner accidentally called his wife by his dead wife's name. He called her Nareen and she winced when she heard that. Howard said he had a nice time with Shatner that night. Howard said the card was a couple of birds with their necks around each other and it said ''Seasons Greetings'' on it.
Howard said that they keep playing a clip of George Takei saying ''Young Wet Bitches'' and there's really a movie by that name. Howard said it's actually ''Young Wet Bitches.'' Howard thought it was Kidd Chris who got him to say that but Artie said that it was actually a bit from The Daily Show. Gary confirmed that it was The Daily Show that got him to say that.
Howard said he watched an Osbournes Christmas Special and it was really lame. He said that he loves the Osbournes and has had them on the show for years but the special was just lame. He said Ozzy was trying to act like ''Ozzy'' but it just didn't work. He said that Ozzy and Jessica Simpson did a Christmas song together so he played some of that. Ozzy has his voice multiplied in the song and Jessica just sings. Howard said it sounds like the two of them are in different rooms when they're singing. That led to Howard talking about how he'd like to bang Jessica Simpson. He was talking about that while Fred had some porn movie sound effects playing in the background. Howard and the guys thought the song was pretty funny because Ozzy sounds like he's in pain as he's singing. Howard was still thinking about banging Jessica Simpson so he had some more porn clips playing in the background.
Howard brought up the Paris Hilton show ''The Simple Life'' and how they're trying to put out as much crap as possible around that show as they can. They've put out the theme song as a single with Paris and Nicole Richie talking in the background. Howard played a little bit of that and then played the ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' theme that has also been put out. Howard laughed about that show because it's such a hit and the guys aren't getting paid very well. Robin and Howard talked about how those guys don't dress very well themselves and their plastic surgery doesn't look all that great either. Howard laughed as he played the theme song for a few seconds.
Howard said he got some hate mail about Robin and how bad she is with the callers. Howard read the mail and the writer asked why Robin doesn't respond to people when they say ''Good Morning'' to her. Robin said Howard likes to move the show along and that's why she doesn't say anything. Howard said he's glad that he was able to read one negative e-mail about Robin because he gets about 50. He read a couple of those e-mails where people complain about the stuff he does on the show. Some people were complaining about Howard goofing on Luis about playing Dungeons and Dragons. There were also some e-mails about the Frank Zappa music he played on the show yesterday. Someone also corrected Howard about the football pool. Gary the Retard picked Seattle to win. They actually lost but covered the spread so Gary was given the win. Howard played a little bit of the audio from The Daily Show where they had George Takei saying ''Young Wet Bitches'' before going to commercial break.
Howard said that Barbara Walters is going to have a ''most fascinating celebrity'' show and they all include the people who she interviewed. Some of the people on that list are people like:
Howard played a clip of Oprah Winfrey and Larry King talking about how they don't own cell phones. Robin said that Oprah doesn't have one because she's got assistants and people who take the calls for her. Howard said that Larry's just old and no one wants to talk to him anyway. Artie wondered how that subject came up between Larry and Oprah. No one was sure how that came up. Howard got back to Larry King and how he never asked Siegfried about Roy being a boyfriend. He spent a short time on that and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard said that he should do his own ''Most Fascinating Celebrity'' show. He said that they could have people like George Takei, Jeff the Drunk and Beetlejuice on that show. He played with the idea for a few seconds before Brantley called in.
Howard talked to Brantley for a couple of minutes about the gay thing again and then got back to the movies that Brantley mentioned. Brantley said that he thinks that ''The Lord of the Rings'' will get an Oscar even though he hasn't seen it yet. He also said that ''Finding Nemo'' will probably be up for one as well. Howard spent a couple more minutes with him and then got off the line. You can read Brantley's column Idle Chatter in Premiere magazine.
Howard hung up on that guy and took another call. The caller was annoying Howard so he didn't stick with the call for long. Another caller said that there was an article in the paper yesterday about the Iraqis digging up Saddam's sons after they were killed and feeding them to stray dogs. Howard went on to say that those people are going to be pissed at Saddam as well. Howard said he hopes they don't drag out his defense and just get it over with. Howard said the only defense he could possibly have is that the U.S. occupation of the country is illegal and the case is illegal. Howard said the only bargaining chip Saddam has is if he's got information about Osama bin Laden.
A listener called in and said that the Saddam Hussein thing is a staged event and the military had him in custody for weeks before they revealed the capture. The caller said that he thinks this was all because they wanted to have a ''Christmas present'' for the country and that's why they held off on revealing this capture. Howard and Robin told the guy he was nuts and none of his comments were factual. Howard and Gary said that there are a lot of people who believe those conspiracy theories. They talked about that for a couple of minutes before Howard said he had to take another break. He said tomorrow they have a new ''Win Fred's Money'' tomorrow and nude model Victoria Zdrok. They're also having in the winner of ''Survivor.'' Howard went to break right after that.
Howard told KC to get on the line and pretend that he's from CNN or something. KC told Howard that Raymond says it's just him sitting in front of a camera recording himself talking about Michael Jackson. He claims that he has a ''smoking gun'' in his tape. Howard told Artie to call in as George Takei to bid on the tape. He then told him he could do his AC/DC voice or his Eric Bishoff. Howard said he had Ed Jimenez from CNN on the line to bid... it was actually Stuttering John. He told Fred he could be from the Al Jezera network. KC told Howard that he called Raymond but he wasn't there to take the call. He left a message telling him it was urgent.
Howard read some various articles in the paper and discussed that stuff with the guys in the studio. He talked about Winona Ryder's latest visit to court for a couple of minutes. He took a phone call shortly after that. The caller said that his father has a fiance from South America and she walked into his bathroom thinking that he was his father. He said that she told his father about it and now he's not going to get the family business from his father like he was supposed to. Howard told the guy to tell his father that he thinks the chick is a pig and wouldn't bang her with his father's penis. Howard talked to the guy for a short time and said that the chick must be really good if his father is willing to screw his own son over. Howard wondered what the guy thinks his son did wrong. Howard gave the guy a $500 prize courtesy of ''League of Extraordinary Gentlemen'' for his troubles. Howard talked about how funny it was that the guy's father and his fiance have to use a computer to communicate.
A listener called in and said that one of the questions on a police psych test is ''Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?'' They spent a minute on that before Dominic Barbara called in. He said that the previous caller's father's girlfriend is playing it right. She's getting rid of the son so she can get the whole family business.
Howard and Artie spent a couple of minutes goofing on Dungeons and Dragons a little more. Artie was doing his George Takei impression and making fun of the game. They had the weird porn clip playing in the background again while they were goofing on that stuff. Howard also talked about how he wanted to go down to Atlantic City during their break so he could play some Craps.
A listener called in and started to tell Howard that he and his roommate went down to Miami with his roommate to pick up some chick. As he was telling the story his phone cut out and we didn't get to hear the whole story. Howard quickly moved on to the Top 5 songs. He said that number five was Beyonce and Sean Paul's ''Baby Boy.'' Howard talked about Beyonce for a short time and said that her legs are a little too thick for him. He said she's got a nice face though. He then played Jeff the Drunk's ''I'll Be Home For Christmas'' as a joke. The real number 4 song was ''Milk Shake'' by Kellis. Robin thought it was a joke because it was horrible. Howard said that Outkast has 2 songs in the top 5. He played one of those and threw in another song parody about KC called ''Gay Photograph.'' Howard said he's got to get in on the whole countdown thing. He said there's a war going on between a bunch of countdown DJs. Howard played the next song ''Stand Up'' by Ludacris. Outkast's ''Hey Ya'' was number 1. He also threw in one more phony top 5 which was Mike Gange trying to sing some Van Halen.
Howard said that Victoria Zdrok was going to be on tomorrow to give away a date to a listener. He wondered who they could get in there to give the date to. Double A was brought up but Howard didn't settle on anyone.
Howard had a bunch of The Onion Radio News bits to play. He played one where they do a phony news story about a guy who has been experimenting with homosexuality for the past 8 years. Robin thought that one was really funny. Howard played a second one where they talk about putting a dog to sleep and how the vet goofed on the dog as it was being put down. In a third one they do a news report about a young toddler who is beginning to show signs that it will be as ugly as it's parents. The guys all thought those were pretty funny as well.
Howard read an article about Senator Alfonse D'Amato getting married to some younger woman. He and Robin talked about that for a short time. Howard also brought up the discussion they had yesterday about how bad the company Christmas party is. Today he said he just wants to go straight to Scores instead of going to the party. Howard said someone told him that the reason they're not going is because they're sick of everyone there at work.
Howard said they need to get some entertainment for a party like that. He said they could get a band or a comedian or something like that. He said that the E! parties are always bad but he'll go to that too. Howard said that E! is an entertainment channel, they should have someone at the party. Stuttering John said that they could get George Thouroughgood for $10,000. Scott the Engineer came in and said he's not going to the company party because he's hosting an appearance his son's band is doing over the weekend. Scott said he's introducing like 4 bands at the show. Howard kicked him out a short time later. Scott threw in a plug for his son's band Vertigo Blue that's appearing at Double D's in Morristown, New Jersey on Friday night.
Stuttering John said that KC isn't going to the party but he's not going anywhere these days. Howard and the guys said that KC is a mess these days and the medication he's on doesn't seem to be doing any good for him. Howard wanted to get off of that subject and get back to the bad Christmas party. Howard suggested that E! and his company get together and do a party together. Howard said a good party is good for the employees. Gary said it's good for morale there at the station since they don't get a bonus. Howard said it's ''dead'' around the station because no one cares there.
A listener called in from WNBC and told Howard that they have an incredible Christmas party every year. He said they go to The Rainbow Room every year and have a great time. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy telling him he didn't want him rubbing that stuff in his face. Howard said that Tom should shell out the money for the employees. ARtie complained about the food they have at the parties. Stuttering John said that Tom thinks that Howard is just goofing around with this stuff but Howard says he's not kidding, the party sucks. He had to take a break shortly after that discussion.
Howard said that he just heard from Gary that he has to go home and wrap his own Christmas gifts. Howard said he gets pissed when he hears that stuff because his wife should be doing that stuff for him. Howard said he never wraps his own stuff. He said he wasn't even going to wrap the stuff he got for his daughters. He said he couldn't do it if he tried. Robin told him it's easy to do that but Howard said he had to remind her ''I have a penis!'' Stuttering John was in and said that he doesn't get it either and Gary is looking forward to wrapping his own gifts. John was laughing as he told Howard Gary's probably in the smoking room smoking up a few cigarettes.
Gary showed up a short time later and said he has about 4 gifts to wrap. He said he hasn't even brought the gifts home. He may not even do that and he may wrap them there at the station. Gary said he doesn't know what to buy for the people there at the station. He went on to tell Howard a story about how he went out to buy gifts the week before Thanksgiving. He talked to Howard's buddy Richie and asked what restaurants Howard likes. He got some gift certificates to some places and then heard from Howard's assistant that everyone should avoid buying gift certificates to restaurants.
Howard explained that he put a stop to that because it's very awkward for him to pull out a gift certificate to pay for a meal. Howard said it's almost like using a coupon. He said he gets the strangest look when he pulls one of those things out. He said it becomes a whole thing when he uses them. He told Gary he can give him that gift if he wants, he'll take it. Howard also said that people are calling Laura and asking her what Howard wants for Christmas. Howard said that's not fun and he'd rather be surprised.
Stuttering John seemed to understand where Howard was coming from but Artie said that John wouldn't hesitate to use one. Howard suggested giving cash gifts instead. That led to the guys talking about some of the other gifts Howard has gotten. John mentioned the Attache case that Robin got him and how they never see it. Gary mentioned the painting that Artie gave to Howard and how much Howard disliked it. Gary asked Howard what gift's he's actually enjoyed. Howard said that someone by the name of Gary Hobbs got him a Porsche pen that he liked. Howard liked the caviar that he got one year. Doug Goodstein got him a Low Carb basket that he liked even though he's not going to eat anything in it.
Howard said that he got a great knife from Issac from E!. Issac said it's a spider knife. Howard loved that. He also said he got a money clip one time that he liked. He said Robin has given him some good stuff. She gave him a Tiffany clock that he still uses. She gave him some other cool stuff like a metal skull and a dinosaur egg with a dinosaur coming out. The guys all talked about that stuff for a few minutes but Howard had to get to the news.
A listener called in and told Howard that Regis and Kelli were talking to Ben Affleck and mentioned his name. The guy's horrible story telling brought the show to a screeching halt.
Howard said the E! people got him a great gift. He said they heard him complaining about his apartment heating and bought him a couple of blankets. Artie and Robin said they got him some great gifts as well. They didn't say what they were though. Howard said he hopes everyone likes what he got them. He said he did something a little more practical than usual.
Stuttering John said his favorite gift was the check for a grand that he got one year. Then one year he got a tin can with 3 different types of popcorn in it. He said he remembers reaching his hand in it to see if there was a check in the can. He said Howard had given him a check the two years before and expected the same thing that year. Howard said that may have been the year he was under a lot of stress (1999? The separation/divorce year?). He had to take a break after that before getting to Robin's news.
Howard said he saw that Sandra and Johnny Fairplay from ''Survivor'' were coming in today. He also said that Penthouse Pet Victoria Zdrok was coming in to play ''Win Fred's Money'' and if she loses, a listener wins a date with her. Howard talked about that for a short time and then complained about how cold it was yesterday in the studio and how warm it was today. He said he just doesn't have any luck with heat wherever he goes. He told Robin that he's been working out the heating problem in his apartment.
Robin said that she had to put her cat to sleep yesterday because it was very ill. She said it was really hard to do and she went to say goodbye to it yesterday. Howard said his cat died at home so he didn't have to do that. Robin explained how the vet told her that the cat was just going to get worse and worse if they let it live. Robin said she held the cat as they gave it the lethal injection. It was 16 years old and Robin said she had it since it was 8 weeks old. She said they asked her if she wanted any of the cat's remains before it was cremated. She said she is going to take his remains and she's going to put Max's ashes in a pewter urn. She started to get upset as she was telling Howard about the whole thing. She's also going to get a paw print and a lock of his hair.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and people goofed on Robin a little bit as they called in as her late cat. Robin said the cat has been at her home every day for the past 16 years so it's going to be tough not having it there. Robin said she held Max until he was completely dead. She said she didn't think she'd be able to hold him that long. They gave him a sedative first and then gave him the lethal injection. She said the total time was about 5 minutes. Howard said he once heard a woman cry really loud as she had a pet put to sleep at a vet's office. He said it's got to be sad to watch a pet die in your arms. Robin said she talked to Max as he was being put to sleep.
Howard said Artie has a hard time talking about pets dying. He was cracking jokes through the whole discussion. Artie said that he could be more understanding if they were talking about a human being. He apologized for the wise cracks he was making.
A listener called in and talked about how upsetting it was when he had a dog put to sleep. He said it wasn't even sick, he had to have it put down because he couldn't have it around his baby. He also said that he took his wife's cats to the pound to be put to sleep because his wife was the one who made him put his dog down.
Another listener called in as Robin's Veterinarian. He joked that he tried to push Robin's head down in his lap as he was putting the cat down. The caller also called Artie an animal hater since he doesn't like dogs. Artie said he was playing with a yellow lab puppy yesterday but he had to boil himself after playing with it. Howard said that Artie thinks that he's going to get some kind of disease from dogs. Robin told him that a dog's mouth is cleaner than his own so he shouldn't worry about it. Howard had to take a break after giving his condolences to Robin for her loss.
Howard had Raymond on the line a short time later. Raymond told Robin how sorry he was to hear about her cat earlier in the show. He's a cat lover as well and felt for her. After that Howard got right to the negotiations for the tape he has. Raymond said that he got an offer from a local man who wanted the tape. He said that he has already sent out a copy of the tape to one person but he's willing to sell another copy to Howard. Howard tried to get a word in while Raymond was rambling but he wouldn't stop talking.
Howard eventually got in there and asked Raymond what the tape was like. Raymond said that he sits down in front of a video camera and talks about Michael Jackson. Howard asked him if he proves that Michael is innocent or guilty. Raymond told him he has to watch the tape and he will see the ''smoking gun'' that he's talking about in the video. Raymond rambled on and on about how professional the tape is. Every time they'd ask him a question Raymond would ramble for a minute without interruption.
Howard kept asking him simple questions but Raymond would go into long, drawn out explanations. Howard said he just wanted to start the bidding on the tape. He got a word in and asked Raymond about what would happen if the people he sold the tape to decided to release it on their own. Raymond said that the tape is for the public so he doesn't care if it's distributed. Howard wasn't able to get in the negotiating part of the bit. He said he had Artie in another room ready to call in as someone from FOX News.
Raymond said he got some good money for the tape from the other people who purchased it. Robin asked him if he could get exclusive rights to the tape if he buys it. He said that he could give Howard the master and the extra VHS tape he had. Howard asked if he could start at $50. Raymond said ''No'' to that and to $75. Howard spoke to Robin about it and said they had a guy from FOX news ready to bid. Artie was playing the part of George Davenport who was in charge of FOX News. He and Howard talked about bidding on the tape but Raymond didn't want anything to do with FOX News. Raymond said that he sounded like he was putting on some kind of voice. He was right because Artie was doing his George Takei impression while he was on the line.
Howard said he'd go up to $85 but that was it. Then he'd put Ed Jimenez (Stuttering John) from CNN on the line. Howard told Raymond he'd go up as high as $90 for the tape but Raymond would not negotiate. He just rambled on and on some more. Howard told Raymond he had Mr. Jimenez on the line. Howard put him on and John didn't change his voice at all. He immediately offered $1000 so Howard asked him if he was interested in that. Raymond said that it sounded interesting to him that CNN was bidding on the tape. Howard counter bid $100 to Mr. Jimenez's $1000. Howard told him Jimenez that he would sue CNN if they stole Raymond from his show. Jimenez raised up the bidding to $2000. Raymond said that he figured that if they were serious, they would get in touch with him somehow. Howard told John... I mean Mr. Jimenez, that he would lock everything up in court if CNN tried to bid on the tape. He said he was in active negotiations with Norman and would sue them if they stole it from his grasp. Howard said that Raymond wouldn't have heard from CNN if he hadn't brought this up on his show so he shouldn't be selling it to them.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Raymond that he was interested in negotiating for the tape. He asked Raymond if it was copyrighted yet and told him that his bid would be $1001. Howard didn't know where these people were coming up with this money for the tape that no one has seen. Raymond said that he sent tapes to people before they even bid on it. Robin wondered why he would do that for them and not for Howard.
Howard told Raymond that he was going to put in his final bid of $150 cash for the tape. He said that was his final bid and that was it. Raymond said Howard would end up making more money from the tape but he wanted $200. He said that Howard was going to make money off the tape but he could have it for that amount. He would not get the master tape for that amount though. Howard told him he'd give him $175. Robin told him that if Howard played the tape, he would be seen by all of the other media outlets and they would want to get him on their shows.
Howard told Raymond that his final offer was going to be $175. He really did want to see what was on the tape. He told Raymond that he is good and he's never been in such a rough negotiation. Raymond said he wanted $200 for the tape or he couldn't have it. Robin raised it up to $185 but Howard told her not to interfere. He then raised it up to $185 himself... Then he went right to $200. He asked Raymond if he was going to cover the shipping. Raymond told Howard he'd have to send a certified check for $213.65 so he could ship it overnight express.
Howard took another call from a guy claiming to be from Access Hollywood. He offered $2000 plus the shipping for the tape. Ed Jimenez from CNN called back again and said they'd offer $5000 for the tape. Raymond told him that if he was for real, he could figure out how to contact him about the tape. They spent a couple more minutes talking about the negotiations and how Raymond outsmarted him again.
KC called in as a guy from another news program and said that they need as much information about Michael Jackson as possible. Howard hung up on him before he could make a bid. He was trying to tease Raymond with the bidding but Raymond didn't seem to care about that. He wrapped it up shortly after that. Robin and Artie thought the guy was pretty amazing. Howard said he was actually going to send Raymond $500 courtesy of the ''League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.'' He took a break right after mentioning that.
Howard said he's been hearing about the Christmas parties that other people have been having lately since he's been complaining about his radio station's horrible party. Howard said his agent had a party at the Friars Club and it was amazing. Howard said he's heard that MTV has a great party as well. He said that Tom should hijack one of those parties or something like that. He also said he told Tom that he should get some entertainment or something for the party. Now he hears that someone is trying to track down someone to play the party. Howard said he doesn't want them to do that for him because he's only going to stay for 5 minutes. Tom mentioned that the Hard Rock Cafe is bending over backwards for them. Howard said that he wasn't even mentioning them because he loves them.
Howard said that he got a lot of mail about his complaining about the party. He said people were pissed at him for complaining. One person wrote in and said they worked for Anheuser Busch and they rented out an arena and had John Mellencamp play for them. Some e-mailers told Howard to shut up about all of that stuff and get over it.
Howard said that the radio station has these banners that they put up at their concerts. Howard said he heard that Tom was bragging about how great they looked when they were at the concert. He also said that the VIP area at the concert had a tiny Christmas tree and pizza boxes laying around. He said everything is ''just a little off'' with everything they do. Howard told Tom he saw the banners and the tiny Christmas tree they had there. Tom said Howard didn't even go to the VIP area though so he didn't see the tree. Howard told Tom that if he's going to do that stuff at all, he should do it the right way. Robin was throwing in a few comments as well but Tom didn't want to hear it. He said he was going to turn down his headphones.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Tom about the concert and the Christmas party before moving on to other stuff. He said that Tom is a nice guy but he's clueless. He said that he doesn't think of people when he does stuff. Howard told Tom not to get a band just for him either. Tom told him they've been looking for a band for their party for a long time and it has nothing to do with him.
A couple of e-mailers asked Howard about the gagging tape that he's been playing for the past couple of days. Howard said he didn't even know what was going on in that tape though. Howard replayed the pornographic sounding tape and laughed at it as it played. In the tape the woman sounds like something is being jammed down her throat. Howard still didn't say where the clip was from.
Some e-mailers wrote in about Rev. Bob Levy's Saddam Hussein roast (KingMegaSite.com) that was played yesterday. Howard said some people didn't like it and don't want Howard playing anymore of his roasts. Howard was going to replay the roast but couldn't find it. KC showed up a couple of minutes later and said he had it somewhere.
Howard took some phone calls and someone complained about how low Fred's microphone is. Howard said that Fred makes a lot of noise back in his area so he has to keep the microphone low so people don't hear that. He said that Fred talks to himself sometimes as well.
Howard replayed Rev. Bob Levy's roast of Saddam Hussein that you can hear at KingMegaSite.com. That led to Howard talking about how President Bush said that he'd like to see Saddam dead. Robin didn't think that was right for him to say but Howard didn't think it was all that bad. He said that it's because everyone wants to be politically correct about everything. Howard and Robin talked about that for a short time and argued about whether or not it was right for him to say what he said.
Howard said that some people want him to post the recipe for the Engagement Chicken that they talked about recently. He said that he saw that the ''Survivor'' people were there so he had to take a break. He mentioned another news story about Madonna doing a benefit concert at her house. He wondered why she'd do something like that.
Howard read that the Vatican has denounced the arrest of Saddam Hussein because he was treated like a cow when they checked his teeth and hair. Howard said we should have treated him like a cow and hit him with a cattle prod. Howard wondered where their compassion for molested boys is when priests are doing that. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard asked Sandra if she's going to be on the All Star version of ''Survivor'' or not. Howard guessed that Jon is going to be on it because it looked like he was having fun on the show. Howard told them that the season was really good. He said that Sandra managed to not get any votes against her through the whole thing.
Howard asked about how dumb Lil was in the game since she didn't bring Jon to the final 2. Third place gets a good amount of money so Lil not wanting Jon to get any money was kind of pointless in the game.
Howard asked Jon and Sandra why no one has banged in the history of the game. Jon said that after 7 days into the game a woman down there looks like an Arby's beef and cheddar. Sandra said you just don't think about that stuff. Gary said he heard that Jon tried to bang Christa within the first few days being on the island. She was engaged at the time though. Jon said that he thinks if there were no cameras there, something might have happened. There are rumors that Jon did bang one of the other Survivors after the show. He said it was Nicole that he got and it was great. He said that she was the first one to be voted off the island.
Jon also told Howard about how Tabitha Stevens tried to get with him the other night. Howard heard about that from Gary when he was out in Los Angeles. Jon said it just didn't happen because they wouldn't allow her into the men's bathroom and he wasn't allowed in the women's bathroom.
Sandra said that she has thought about doing something like Playboy if she's offered the chance. She also said she'd think about any other work in the industry if she gets offers.
Porn star Tabitha Stevens called in to talk about her run in with Jon out in Los Angeles. Howard heard from Gary that she wanted to give Jon oral so he'd have something to talk about on the show. Howard asked her if she's going to give Jon oral. Tabitha said something lame about Jon not winning Survivor so he wouldn't be able to win her. Jon didn't seem to upset by her comments though.
Jon told Howard that he was found out on the street. He said a producer found him at a gas station and offered him the chance to be on the show. He wasn't even that interested which is what they seemed to like. Sandra said she sent in a tape to get on the show and she thinks they liked what she had to say on her tape.
Howard said that the black guy who quit the game was the big surprise to him. He and Robin pointed out how they always seem to get guys like that on the show every season. Howard said it seemed like Jeff Probst was really pissed at that guy when he quit the game.
Jeff the Drunk called in and congratulated Sandra on her win. Jeff also called Johnny Fairplay a ''bitch'' for the stuff he did on the show. He said he wants to punch him in the face because he lied about his grandmother dying in the game. Howard said he thought that was great. He also thought Jon was going to use it to get more sympathy in the game. Jon said he did use it a bit but there was a fine line to walk with that lie. Jon said that if he'd gotten into the final 2, he would have gotten maybe 2 votes and someone else would have won.
A listener called in and asked Sandra if she likes anal sex. She said she hasn't tried it and isn't interested. Jon said he likes it so Howard asked him if it hurts. He said he doesn't mind it if a woman plays down there a little bit.
Howard asked them about their bowel movements. Jon said that he went maybe 4 times while he was there. They don't eat much and it builds up to the size of a football. He said some people would come back crying after going to the bathroom.
Howard said that some people had a lot of bad bug bites and stuff while other's didn't have any. Jon said a lot of bug bites came when people went to get water. He said he managed to get out of getting water and only went 3 times. He said he'd lie about it and wouldn't have to go.
A listener called in and asked Sandra ''as a filthy spic, how many nig**** have you banged?'' Howard didn't like that but Sandra said that her husband is black.
Jon told Howard that he has had some experience in the wrestling business and worked as Roddy Piper's assistant for a while. He said that he has two agents and a publicist now. Now he just needs some work. He's making some appearances in the next few weeks and he says he's making $7500 for each appearance. A listener called in and asked Howard why he's letting Johnny steal Sandra's spotlight. Sandra didn't seem to think that he was doing that and it didn't matter because she was the ''Ultimate Survivor.''
Another caller said that he didn't want Sandra to win because of her attitude and what she did to make it to the end. She said she did what she had to do to make it there and she wasn't ashamed of anything she did. She also said she was ready to burn down the shelter if she was going to get voted off. She said they would remember her after that.
Howard said that the All Star Survivor starts after the Super Bowl next month. Jon said that it's just like any other Survivor game and it lasts 39 days. Howard said they should make it an all or nothing game. Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she turned off the show once Rupert was voted off. She also wished Howard a happy holiday. Howard said a lot of people liked that guy Rupert in the game. He wrapped up the interview right after that.
Howard brought Victoria in a short time later. He said that she's really hot. He asked her what year she was in Penthouse. She said that she is actually the official Penthouse Pet for the year 2004. The issue comes out on January 14th. She said she's going to try and win against Fred but she's never even heard the game before. She says that she does have a high level of education. She also revealed that she has a boyfriend but also said that ''you never know'' what might happen on the date if she has to go out with Darren.
Darren was whining in the background as Victoria was describing what she was wearing. She had pantyhose on and Howard said he doesn't like them. She said there are guys out there who like them though. She asked Fred if she was looking at her before the game because maybe she could get him a little flustered.
Howard said that Victoria will have to get naked if she loses to Fred as well so they were going to have her get naked behind a screen. That way, if she loses, she'll already be naked and they can just drop the screen. Victoria kept saying that you never know what could happen on a date but she said she is pretty serious with her boyfriend.
Howard sent Fred off to the sound proof booth so he could play the game with Victoria. Robin came out and sat in the studio. Howard then asked Victoria her 7 questions. Here are the questions and the correct answers:
Victoria said that if someone in the studio could answer her question they could touch her breasts. She asked ''What year and month was the great October Revolution?'' Fred had the year correct but the month was wrong. It was November 1917 according to Victoria. She ended up letting Howard touch them when he answered a simpler question. He felt her up and Fred played some car horn honking sound effects. She threw out another question for the other guys to try and win that same prize. Gary was the next one to win when she asked why her web site was so great. The answer was ''because you're on it.'' Gary got to feel her ass for that answer.
Victoria gave them another question This time it was a law question and Benjy got it right. That was for the chance to run his hand up and down her leg. He also squeezed her boob. Howard wanted to do one more for the chance to use a vibrator on her. She didn't want to do that but she did let Howard feel her ass when he got the answer correct to ''Who was the first person to circle the globe?''
Howard said they wanted to do one more where one guy would get to bronski her. She came up with the question ''What was the best selling issue of ''Penhouse?'' No one got it. She asked ''What was Bob Guccione famous for before he owned Penthouse?'' and Howard got that right when he said ''Artist.'' He got to bronski her and Victoria said that it felt good with his nose in there.
Howard kept it going and said that the next one to get a question correct would get a full hug from her. She asked a question about a bent penis and Howard said Fred got it right but there were arguements about who said it first. Fred got the hug though. Howard said he would have grabbed her ass and she probably would have been pregnant after it.
One last question is what Howard said it was going to be. The winner would get to choose what they wanted her to do out of what she'd already done. Doug from E! came in and said the E! crew wanted to get in on the game. Howard said that Scott DePace could play. Scott came in and said that ''she is awesome.'' Doug wanted to play too but Howard said he's married and wasn't allowed.
Victoria asked ''What is a condition called when a man has a painful erection.'' Gary and Fred were a tie so she said she had to do it over again. She asked another question about a woman finding it difficult to have intercourse. No one knew the right answer.
Howard took one last question from Victoria after giving her plugs for all of her stuff. Doug from E! also said that Victoria and Darren would be going to a spa and then to a nice restaurant for their date. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Victoria. She finally came up with a question and it was ''What is the number one sex machine that is used to give women multiple orgasms?'' Fred knew that it was the Sibian which is something that Victoria sells.
Scott DePace got the chance to feel her up when Fred gave up his chance to him. He felt her breasts from behind her. He told Artie that they were the best implants he'd ever seen and they felt real. Scott said that he and his wife are going to see the ultrasound for their baby today so he feels kind of guilty about what he just did. Howard wrapped up the segment after that and gave Victoria a couple more plugs.
Howard talked about how hot Victoria Zdrok was for a couple of minutes. A caller wanted to know when they were going to get that on E!. Mike Gange came in and said that it'll be on the first week after they get back from vacation. Howard told him to just give a date because no one knows when they're on vacation. He told him to get out of there and wondered why he's still working there. Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that the show will air the week of January 5th. Howard and Fred goofed on Gange for a short time.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about how funny the Hollyweird Squares game was last night on E!. The guy talked about how funny Gilbert was on that episode. That led to Howard giving Gilbert a couple of plugs for some stuff he's doing. He's appearing on tonight's episode of ''Becker'' and he'll also be on The Tonight Show tonight.
Howard said he got an e-mail from Marshall Fine who told him how wrong the guy from Premiere magazine was about the movies he was talking about yesterday. Fine told him that he may like Ben Affleck's movie ''Paycheck'' and a couple of others like the new ''Lord of the Rings'' movie. He told Howard that he probably won't like Tim Burton's new movie ''Big Fish.'' After reading that Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard said he just got a bunch of Christmas gifts from some of his co-workers. He said he wants to wait to go home to open them. He said he doesn't want to forget who gave him what. Artie said that Howard gave him a great gift that he can use. He said it was 12 half gallon bottles of Jack Daniels. Artie said his doorman thought he'd won a contest or something. The bottles are so big he could use them as hampers. He said he also got a Christmas card from Howard that had Bianca on it. Howard said that ruined the surprise because not everyone had gotten them yet.
Howard said he knew Artie would love that gift. He said he had to think of something Artie would love and it was either food or Jack Daniels. He said he made that a gift to several people this year. He said he sent cases to a bunch of people. Artie said that his will be enjoyed. Howard said he dropped some serious change over at a liquor store. Artie was calling his gift ''therapy.'' Howard told him that he has enough that he should be able to go over to Dana's house and enjoy her dog. Artie said if he drank one bottle he'd probably be banging the dog.
Howard said he doesn't like to drink Jack Daniels by itself but he does like some of their other products. Artie told him that he has to cut it with some water. He told Howard it's good with ice cream as well.
A listener called in and said he ran across Beth on a web site and saw some lingerie shots of Beth. He said her areola's were really nice. Howard didn't that was very nice and thought it was getting kind of uncomfortable talking about it. Howard said that Beth never walks around the apartment like that so the only way he can see something like that is in pictures. Howard wasn't sure who would have something like that though. Robin said it sounded like some web site where they lifted her pictures from a shoot she did.
Howard said he went over to the E! holiday party last night and saw the head of the network, Mindy Herman with her 8 week old baby. Howard said he sent her a baby gift but she didn't acknowledge the fact that she got it so he asked her if she did. She hadn't said anything so he thought that she didn't. She told him that she did get it and was kind of embarrassed that she didn't say anything. Howard and Robin talked about what they got the baby as gifts. Howard said he got some kind of wooden horse and Robin got it a silver bear bank.
Howard said he went over to that party at the Shei Shei lounge and they had a lot of fried food being passed around. He said there were a lot of people who he never sees because E! has studios all over the place. One woman told him she was from the Windsor office which is up in Connecticut. He said she had to explain to him what they do up there. He also said there were some cute chicks there at the party that he would have ''slipped the sausage too'' if he had the chance. He said only Doug Goodstein from E! and Gary were there from his show. Mike Gange was also there but Howard said he doesn't count and he left the party after he showed up. There was another guy who spoke to him for a few minutes and when he was leaving, said ''Thanks for the drive-bye.''
Artie opened up the gift that he gave to Howard. It had a Honeymooners DVD box set and a digital picture frame. Howard said he's thrown away two of those frames because they're so cheap looking. He also said that he won't watch the DVD because he's not that big of a fan. He said he'll watch them if they're on TV once in a while but not a DVD set. Howard said he would do a giveaway with the digital picture frame if that was okay with Artie. He ended up giving it to Gary. Stuttering John didn't even want it because it looked so cheap. It turned out that Scott DePace was the one who suggested the gift. Scott came in and said that he told Artie that Howard wouldn't goof on him about that gift... He was wrong. Howard goofed on Scott about that and poor Artie thought he was doing something nice.
Gary said he wanted Howard to open John's gift as well. John said Howard might goof on that as well. Howard didn't want to open them but he did open John's. John got him a bunch of classic CDs that he didn't have. It turned out Howard had a few of them. Howard said he might listen to some of them but he had a couple. Howard said he loved it but didn't sound very sincere. John told him he could bring them all back to Virgin Records and exchange them if he wanted. Howard wanted one of the CDs put on his iPod but Gary said they don't have a computer to rip the CD. He said that the songs that are being put on the CD are probably going to be there forever.
Artie wanted to give Robin her gift as well. He had a poster made up of himself for Robin since KC has one of his own. Artie is in the same pose as KC is on his poster at KCPoster.com. Robin thought that was pretty funny.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he could be a bigger a-hole about the gifts. Howard said that he doesn't care about the gifts and wondered if the guy would watch the Honeymooners DVD set. The caller also asked Howard if he's using the Neil Young painting Artie gave as a coaster or something. Howard said that was the worst gift ever. He went to break shortly after that.
Howard said that he wants to go to Al's wedding. D'Amato said that he's invited. Howard went on to talk about how D'Amato was banging this chick a while back but D'Amato didn't want him saying that because she was a very nice woman. Howard went on to talk about the ''young tomato'' that Al is engaged to. Al told Howard that this woman was working for a law firm and he met her at a cocktail reception and called her two days after that. He said that he thought she felt sorry for him and that's why she went out with him. Howard told him that she's going to want to have babies eventually but D'Amato said he's done with that stuff. He asked Howard when he's going to have some. Howard told him that he's done with that stuff as well.
Howard told Senator D'Amato that he will be at his wedding. It's supposed to happen next summer. Howard said that gives them time to have about 10 bachelor parties at Scores. Howard told him that he doesn't even have to show up because he can go alone if he has to. Howard said he'd get Al a double lap dance when they go. Al said that his fiance might not like that though.
Al said that he's been with Katoura for four years now so it's not like they just met. Al told Howard that he has 14 grandkids and doesn't want to start a new family with the new wife. Howard said she's going to want kids and he may have to talk some sense to him when they go out to dinner. They wrapped up the call a short time later.
Howard said that D'Amato is 66 years old and he's marrying a 38 year old. He spent a few minutes talking about Al and how great he was as a Senator. He said that he thinks that once she gets too old, he's going to dump her. He said that he's been with the finest chicks and he's a player. He doesn't think that D'Amato will stick with this woman for the rest of his life. Howard called him ''The Scott Baio of the East Coast'' because he's gotten so many chicks. He said he bets he's banged royalty as well.
Howard said that they're going to do something called Wheel of Beetlejuice today. They're also having Nicole from Survivor call in to talk about how Johnny Fairplay said that he banged her after the show. She claims she never slept with him.
Howard went on to talk about a 19 year old, Natasha, who mailed them and said that she's in the Fall edition of the Playboy college edition. She wants to come in and show Howard her body. She's from Detroit and came down with her 15 year old sister and a friend. Howard had the guys bring her in a short time later.
Howard said that she's really hot. She came in and told Howard that he's really sexy. She has implants and she's only 19 years old. She got them at 18. She had a mid-west accent that was an easy target for Artie. He goofed on it a little bit. Natasha said that she sent in her high school senior pictures to Playboy and that's how she got into the college edition.
She said that she tells all of her friends that she would bang Howard if she could. Howard had her show off her body a little bit. She had a great stomach from what Howard said. He told her she looks a little bit like Britney Spears. Howard said she barely knows what to do with that body at that age.
Gary told Howard that she just turned 19 at the end of October. He said she's ''Barely 19.'' Both Howard and Gary said that they think this will lead to her getting into porn. She said she's moving to Los Angeles eventually. Howard and Gary heard that and figure that means that she's definitely going to be in porn eventually.
KC told Howard that she was willing to take off her top for them but Howard wasn't sure he wanted to see that. Artie said that he was closer to her age so if he wanted to turn away, he'd look at her. Howard lied to her and said that he's just turning 40 even though he's actually turning 50 next month. Natasha said that her father is like 52.
Howard gave Natasha a couple of plugs for the Wet and Wild and College Girl editions that she appears in. She also does appearances at clubs and stuff so Howard kept telling her that she's going to eventually get into stripping. Gary asked her if she would do Hustler magazine. She thought about it but said that she wouldn't show any ''beav'' as Howard put it. She told Howard that her boyfriend doesn't that she does this modeling thing. She said that he wants her to be his alone.
Howard gave her a plug for the web site where you can book her for appearances... (Updated 9/6/04) SamTang.com or OneModelPlace.com (Model 89543). He then had the guys give her a rating from 1 to 10. Gary gave her a 8.5 but Stuttering John thought she had a flat ass. He also said she was missing some curves in the middle. While she was talking to the guys Artie was doing his mid-west accent goofing on her. Howard asked her if she would really bang him if he wanted her. Howard and Artie both gave her an 8 rating while they were talking about the sex thing. Howard asked her if he was having sex with her and his rubber broke, would she get an abortion. She said she wouldn't do that so Howard told her to put her clothes back on. She eventually said that she would have one if Howard really didn't want to have the baby.
Howard said he would take a look at her 19 year old boobs even though it was kind of uncomfortable for him. She pulled up her shirt and the guys sounded pretty impressed. Howard gave her a $500 prize for coming in after that. She also told Howard that she thinks about how a girl might be able to satisfy her better than a guy but she hasn't tried anything yet.
Howard asked Natasha a couple of questions about what she watches on TV. She said she likes ''Friends'' and ''The OC'' as well as MTV. Howard said he watches all of that stuff. They also talked about ''The Simple Life'' and how they watch that. Howard had to wrap up the segment shortly after that.
Howard said that Scott DePace heard some crap after he felt up Victoria. Scott came in a short time later and said that he told his wife that he was just doing the same thing the rest of the guys were doing. He said he told her it didn't mean anything to him. Scott went to see the ultrasound pictures of his baby. It turns out it's a boy. Fred and Artie goofed on Scott doing a southern accent and made some goofy jokes about him.
Howard explained that Scott was told that there's a common occurrence of babies who have two vaginas and two uteruses. Howard said he wants to meet a woman like that because he's never heard of such a thing.
Howard cut off Scott and got Nicole Delma from Survivor on the line. She was calling in to complain about Johnny Fairplay (Jon Dalton) talking about how he had sex with her. She says that's not true. Howard had Jon on the other line to talk about it as well. Nicole said that he lied about it. Howard put Jon on the line and asked him if he was lying or if she was lying. Jon said that he would say anything. He said he lied about it in a very indirect way. He said that he agrees that it was wrong to do that. Nicole said that Jon is going to do something tomorrow to make up for his lie. Jon said that he's going to let her shave his head at some charity event.
Nicole said that she was going to go to a lawyer if he didn't take back what he said. Howard read the letter that Nicole sent to him yesterday after the show. She went off on Jon and claimed that he uses cocaine. She was pretty pissed when she wrote it so it was extra brutal. Howard spent a minute talking to the two of them about that and Jon apologized for what he said. Nicole and Howard said that Jon didn't sound very sincere about his apology.
Howard asked Nicole if she's ever seen Jon do blow. She hesitated and said that ''yes'' she has seen him do it before. Jon said that he was taking back his statement if she was going to say that. Howard wrapped up the quick interview after that.
A woman claiming to be a nurse called in and said that she has seen the double vagina thing that Howard was talking about. She said that she's seen babies with it but they usually have other problems and don't survive. She said that they have two external private parts and they're able to urinate out of both. Howard wondered if they could have an orgasm with both vaginas. She said that might be possible but she's not sure because they usually don't live that long. Howard said that Scott DePace's doctor claims that she has a patient with that affliction. The caller said that she's heard that there have only been 25 cases of it. DePace's doctor is claiming that it's not that rare. Scott asked the caller if they've ever seen guys with two penises. She said she hasn't seen that but it has happened. The woman also said that she saw a woman who had a nipple in her arm pit and she was actually nursing from it. Howard gave her a $500 prize for calling in.
Nicole from Survivor was back on the phone because Howard wanted to ask her about being a massage therapist. Howard asked her if she would ever give a guy a happy ending. She said that she wouldn't do that unless she was dating the guy or something. Howard asked her if guys ever get aroused when she's massaging them. She said that they do but she's able to hit pressure points that can help bring them down. She said she'd never cross that line with someone. She said she hasn't come across a guy attractive enough to do that to. He wrapped up the call after learning that.
Howard played a clip from the show where Rick Dees introduced Jennifer Lopez who didn't even sing. Howard said that she came out and just talked. He also said that her ass looked huge... freakishly large. He said it's like there's a ledge hanging off her ass. He said that it's really not a good ass no matter what people say. He said it looked like there was a fireplace following her around. Howard played tape of her coming out and talking about nothing. Howard said that he'd bet the farm that Rick has had a face lift.
Howard played more tape of some guy by the name of Valentine who introduced a band called Simple Plan. He introduced them as being his friends so Howard goofed on his delivery a little bit. Howard said his whole rap didn't make sense either. He came out and said he asked Santa for the Paris Hilton tape but he wasn't getting that. Then he says that Santa said he was going to send him 5 guys from Canada and that's when he introduced the band.
There was a clip of another DJ introducing a band and Howard thought he sounded like their Crazy Cabbie. The guys weren't yelling like Cabbie though. He played some tape of Cabbie and DJ Danni up on stage at a recent concert introducing a band. Cabbie is yelling and showing his sack while Danni is talking about her big boobs. Howard played a couple more clips from the Jingle Ball thing and more of Cabbie yelling while up on stage at various concerts.
Chaunce said that she cleans up and whispers in his ear ''That was just to relax you.'' She then has him turn over so she can massage his back. Chaunce said that she uses a lotion on him and uses her bare hand. Howard asked Chaunce about what the woman wears and if she takes her top off during the happy ending. Chaunce said she just wears regular clothes and doesn't take anything off.
Howard talked about a couple of things and then moved on to the Wheel of Beetlejuice game. He said they have a couple of women who want plugs really bad and they're willing to do some wacky stuff including stuff like this:
Howard told Beet that Sanders the chicken was a talking chicken. He was in the studio for the football pool but they didn't get to that yet. Fred was the voice of the chicken and ended up getting into an argument with Beet. Beetle was getting pissed at the chicken and said that he was going to fry him up like a chicken. Sanders asked Beetle what color he was and Beetle said ''Asshole.''
Howard introduced the two girls that came in to get some plugs for their stuff. They had Layla Jade and Isabella Soprano in to play this game with Beetlejuice. Howard said they won't get plugs until they do whatever they land on with the wheel. Howard said they have to do it nude of course. Howard told them the choices and they didn't sound so thrilled with some of them. Beetle didn't like the one where they had to smell his butt crack.
Layla was first up to spin The Wheel of Beetlejuice. Beetle was laying on a wheel on the floor with the different choices around the perimeter of the wheel. Layla spun it and landed on ''Beetlejuice gives you a Roman soldier helmet.'' This is where Beetlejuice gets to sit on her face so it looks like a Roman soldier's helmet. Layla got naked and Beetlejuice sat on her face with his balls hanging on her face. She said she enjoyed it.
Isabella spun the wheel next and landed on ''Smell Beetlejuice's butt crack for one minute.'' Beetlejuice told her to go ahead and smell it. She got naked and Beetle got down on all fours so she could get in there for a minute. She didn't think it was very sanitary but she stuck with it. She said it wasn't that bad of a smell though. She made it through the whole minute so she earned her plug.
Howard gave Isabella a plug for the BunnyRanch.com web site as well. She's a prostitute and you can pay to bang her. Layla told Howard that she wasn't a prostitute yet, she's a porn star. Howard asked Isabella about working there. She said she learned about it from an HBO special she saw last year. She said she hadn't told her parents what she was doing until just then. She said they thought that she was just Dennis Hof's personal assistant. Isabella said that she has sex with 3 or 4 guys a day on average. She said that she will charge like $500 an hour.
Howard said that everyone was a winner today. Beetle got his cell phone, $500 and the girls got their plugs. The girls are both appearing in an HBO special called ''Cat House'' that airs at 10:30pm on December 27th.
The girls said that they shared a hotel room the night before so Howard asked them about that. They didn't end up doing anything though because they needed sleep. The girls played with each other a little bit on the air while they were there. Beetlejuice said he was very horney and would lick it all up like dinner. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Beetlejuice was supposed to retire but he says he's got another year to go. He said he has some more acting jobs coming up soon as well. Howard heard that Beetlejuice got into a fist fight with his manager Sean during the break. Stutering John came in and sadi that Sean pinched Beet's ass and he went off on him for that. Howard wished Beetljuice a happy holiday and sent him on his way after that.
Daniel Carver from the KKK was next up to give his pick. Daniel went with the St. Louis Rams. He told Howard to just give him the $25,000 prize now since he's in the lead and Christmas is coming up. Howard and Robin told him the season isn't over yet so he has to wait. Artie said a couple of things to Daniel calling him a son of a bitch and some other stuff so Daniel wondered how he could say that but they bleep out the word ''Ni****'' on the E! show. Howard said he's not happy with that either. He sadi he has to talk to Mindy Herman about that next time he talks to her.
Artie said he smells an awesome comeback for the ''Langster'' as he was called in grade school. He picked the Baltimore Ravens. Sanders the Chicken went wiht the Miami Dolphins. Daniel goofed on Artie about being behind him a little bit. As they were saying goodbye Daniel wished them all a Merry Christmas. Howard sadi he was surprised that he didn't wish them a ''White Christmas.'' Howard took another break before getting to RObin's news. Here are the standings in the football pool for this season so far:
Howard went on to say that there have been some discussions at the station about who gets the worst gifts. Howard said that Artie is the winner there. Gary and John said that they get the same fleece every year. Gary said that it's a sleeveless vest this year though. Artie's sister used to work for Ralph Lauren so she must get some kind of deal. He has her shop for him. Howard also talked about how lame the digital picture frame was that Artie got him. Artie said he spent $295 on that frame. He also mentioned the DVD box set of the Honeymooners shows that he got. He was giving both of those gifts to Gary. Howard said he'd rather see them used instead of wasting them.
Stuttering John said that's the only thing Artie has in common with Jackie... giving bad gifts. John said Artie's sister must get a big discount on those fleece shirts. He was goofing on Artie so Artie fought back and told him he had balls saying that because he comes in dressed like a Mexican cook or something like that. Artie said that he had balls saying that after he's bought him like $2000 worth of lunches over the past year.
Artie wanted Robin to open her gift because it was a Louis Vatton bag. Robin opened her gift and it was a leather passport cover. Howard said he was going to buy one the other day but his girlfriend talked him out of it. Robin said she will use something like that but she just bought one for herself recently.
Fred was going to open his gift but Howard was goofing on how it was just going to be a fleece shirt. Fred opened it and it was the exact same thing as John and Gary's gifts. Gary asked him if he even saw the gift before he gave it to them. Artie was just laughing as they asked him those questions. Artie's sister Stacy called in a short time later. Stacy told the guys that they're not the exact same thing and it's very hard to shop for them. She said that she gets something different each year. John said that Gary takes his back every year. He also said that she must get at least 40 percent off. She said she doesn't work there anymore so she doesn't get a discount. She swore that she doesn't get a discount. Benjy was the only guy who got something different. He asked for the receipt though so he could return it.
Robin suggested that Artie have his mother help him out next year. Scott the Engineer came in and said he got a different shirt so Benjy wasn't alone. Howard bragged about the great gift that he got for Artie. He got him two cases of Jack Daniels. A woman called in a minute later and said that Howard and the guys were very ungrateful. A couple of other people called in and said the same thing.
Stuttering John said that Fred gave great gifts. He got a $200 gift card for Barnes and Nobel. He said that's a great gift. Artie told everyone that they can all go there ''...in a nice fleece.'' Howard said he got a nice leather bound Marvel Comic book from Richie from E!. Stuttering John said that Gary gets him the same Alien movies every year. He got the VHS versions one year and this year it was DVDs. Gary said he also gave him the Raiders of the Lost Ark DVD set. John said that was great because he rewrapped it and is giving it to his kids for Christmas. Artie said that he also gave John some other gifts like splitting the fees at the comedy shows they do even though John only does 20 minutes while he does an hour. John said that Artie gets paid more than he does though.
Howard said the people at E! got him a couple of nice blankets. Artie didn't think that was much better than what he gave. John was also wondering if Howard really wanted to give Artie's gifts to Gary. Howard said that's what he wanted and Artie said that was fine with him. Howard said that Luis the Board Op got him a bunch of Lord of the Rings books but he thinks he's getting that as a joke.
Howard said that he should put the digital picture frame in his house and just have pictures of Artie rotating through it. The guys suggested they put it in the studio and put pictures of Artie and his bad gifts so they can be reminded of them every day.
Vinnie Favale called in and said that he got Howard two gifts. He got a couple of books from him and a Superman statue. Howard said that he would never put a Superman statue in his apartment. He said the box was giant and it turned out to be a small statue that's supposed to be a collectors item. Vinnie thought it was pretty cool but Howard didn't think so. Vinnie said the crew at Letterman's show all chipped in and got Dave a nice jacket. Howard wondered if they all chipped in five bucks or something. Vinnie just laughed as Howard was questioning him.
Stuttering John said that Scott DePace had to explain his gift. Scott came in and said that he heard Howard complaining about passwords so he got him a fingerprint recognition accessory for his computer. Howard said he wouldn't use something like that. He told Scott to take it back. Scott mentioned another gift he got one year and how Howard never even saw it.
Stuttering John said that he got Robin a vase one year and she hated it so much it never made it to her house. She said that she liked it but it didn't go with her house. That led to Robin saying that Howard probably won't like her gift. She talked about some of the stuff that he's gotten for him and how he hasn't liked them all. Howard had Robin start her news after they goofed on all of the gifts for a little while.
Howard found out that Ozzy likes to use a lot of Viagra. Ozzy said something about 15 pills and Sharon said that he sucks on them because he likes the taste. Ozzy said he's an addict and he likes the taste of medication, that's why he sucks on them.
Howard couldn't get off the subject of Sharon's weight loss. Sharon told Howard about the procedure she had done and how it's safer than having your stomach stapled like Carnie Wilson had done. Howard thought she had some other surgery done on her but she said she wouldn't do that at this point in her life. She just lost the weight and Robin said she didn't even recognize her out in the hallway.
Howard spoke to the two of them about their sex life too. Sharon said the last time they had sex was probably a month ago but Ozzy seems to think it was even longer. He told Howard one story about going to Japan one time with Sharon. He got so wasted when he got there that he forgot that Sharon was there so he went out and got himself a Japanese woman to bang. He got back to his hotel room and his wife was there. She knocked the Japanese woman out and smashed a picture frame over Ozzy's head.
Some of the stuff Ozzy was saying had to be interpreted by Sharon because he tends to ramble and mumble quite a bit. It was very amusing. Howard wrapped up the interview by taking a phone call. The caller told Howard that Ozzy's new album was great. Howard then played a bit of the new single and then took a commercial break so he could get to Paul McCartney.
The black porn models were Dynamite and Chanelle from Black Tail magazine (BlackTailMag.com.) Howard quickly spoke to each of the women about how they got involved in the porn mag industry. The girls from Mystique said that their magazine is not very graphic. They described it as being classy like Victoria's Secret.
Howard then got right into the game. He had 10 questions and he alternated between the black team and the white team. If the girls got a question wrong or didn't answer they had a point taken away. If they got one right, they got a point added to their score. The girls weren't supposed to talk to each other about the answer either. Here are some of the questions and the answers they gave:
Howard spoke to the girls for a few more minutes and plugged their web sites. Howard also learned that Dynamite can shoot eggs out of her private parts. He didn't have any eggs around to check that out though. KC came in and offered up a Dunkin' Donuts Munchkin or one of Tom Chiusano's golf balls to shoot but Dynamite wasn't interested. Howard then wrapped up the segment.
Howard asked Johnny what he thinks of this whole situation in Afghanistan. Johnny said he had an idea to help the situation. He said we should make up millions of gallons of liquid LSD and taint the water over there. Then we could just walk in dressed as a Tele-Tubbie and freak them all out as we grab the people we want to grab. Howard told Johnny that wasn't that bad of an idea.
Howard kissed Johnny's ass a bit during the interview. He kept telling him what a great actor he was and how much he loves the movies he's done over the years. He also spoke to Johnny about why he moved out of the country and over to France. Johnny said he was there for a movie shoot and while he was there he fell in love. He now has a baby with the woman he fell in love with and that's where he lives now.
Howard told Johnny it must be great to be such a cool guy because someone like Kate Moss tries to kill herself after they broke up. Johnny said she didn't try to kill herself though. That was just Howard's take on the situation. Howard spent some time on that subject and then asked him if he ever turned down any big movies that he regrets now. Johnny said that he tried to get through the script for ''Titanic'' but he couldn't do it. He said he ''labored through 15 pages'' of the script before giving up on it. That was the only one he mentioned though.
Stuttering John came in and told Howard how ''down to earth'' Johnny is. He said he played a gig at Johnny's club The Viper Room one time and Johnny was there helping to unload their equipment.
Howard kept bringing up how Johnny must be able to get any chick he wants. He tried to find out if Johnny has ever been turned down by any women. Of course he has but Howard didn't believe it. He thinks that no woman would turn him down for any reason.
Howard also asked Johnny if his childhood was messed up. Johnny said it was kind of messed up and his parents were abusive to him once in a while. He said he was born in Kentucky and that got Artie Lange revved up doing his Southern accent as he pretended to be Johnny's parents. He made some funny jokes about that and Johnny just laughed.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and asked Johnny if he's calculated with his choice of tattoos and clothing. Johnny said he does think about his tattoos for years before having them put on. Howard then said that Ralph's questions were really gay and ended up hanging up on him.
A phone caller told Howard that Johnny really is a down-to-earth guy. He told Howard that Johnny hung out with the regular people when he flew over to England one time. Johnny said that isn't a calculated move, he just doesn't feel right taking a private jet. Howard took a few more phone calls for Johnny and started to wrap up the interview. He asked Johnny if he'd seen his movie ''Private Parts'' yet. Johnny said he was kind of bitter at the time it came out because it pretty much killed his movie ''Donnie Brasco'' which came out around the same time. He still hasn't seen it but he told Howard he'd rent it.
A short time after getting off the phone with Johnny Stuttering John came in and said Johnny called back and thanked them for having him on the show. Howard thought that the interview went pretty well.