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Howard was back live this morning after a week long vacation. He said that it sucks being back at work. He wondered if there's anyone out there who enjoys what they do for a living. He said he's sure there's someone out there who does. He went on to talk about his exhausting weekend. He said on Thursday he didn't have Thanksgiving with his kids since his wife had custody that day. He had Thanksgiving on Saturday instead. He told Robin and Artie about how he decided to grill his turkey. He did a beer can 14 pound turkey. He had to get a 26 ounce can of beer to do that so he got a can of Fosters. He rubbed a bunch of spices on the turkey and smoked it. He said he did a number on that turkey and it took close to 4 hours to cook it. Howard said that it stays nice and juicy cooking it like that. Howard said he also made acorn squash and corn and Beth made a couple of pies. He said they had yams with marshmallows and stuff.
Friday night Howard said he turned his oven on and came in and found it off with an error code showing on the display. That meant that he had to get it repaired so he begged PC Richard to come over and fix it. He said he had it replaced on Saturday about a half hour before his kids came over. He had to cook the side dishes on the stove. He said it wasn't a new, top of the line stove like Artie figured it was. He said it was just a regular GE range that was there when he got there. He said it was fun to have the kids over but it was a nightmare to cook the meals. He said his kids would appreciate it just as much if he ordered in. He said after they ate they had to clean up the mess and Beth's hands were all beat up from cleaning. He said it really wasn't worth it.
Howard said he still has his old oven out on his deck and someone has to come over and pick it up to take it away. He said he was really drained after all of that. He said he's retiring from cooking because of it. He's not going to grill anymore. Artie said he tried to cook french toast one time and he's still hurting from that experience.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and got some advice from a couple of people about his grilling. One woman suggested that he not let his turkey get to 180 degrees. She said 165 is fine. Howard said he just goes by what Steve Raichlen says in his grilling book and it works just fine.
Howard said he went to Vermont over the weekend as well and it was perfect weather up there. He said he and Beth took a little vacation together up there. He said that he read some stuff while he was up there. He read some comic books and the NY Times from cover to cover. Howard said that Harvey Firestein wrote an Op-Ed piece for the paper and it was very good. Artie said he read about half of that before he bailed out. Howard told Robin what it was all about and how well it was written. Howard said he's saying all of this even though Firestein seems to hate him for some reason. He talked about that for a short time and said their paths won't be crossing anytime soon. The next day Howard said that he read that Harvey didn't get to stand next to Santa in the Macy's Day parade like he thought he was going to. He was in a separate float and he wasn't really Mrs. Clause like he thought he was going to be. Robin said he seems to be playing only women these days in everything he does.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that they're rerunning Howard's appearance on David Letterman's show tonight. Howard said that he looked at the ratings from when he was on and they were very big the week he made his appearance. Howard said that he has sent out a memo to all TV producers saying that they should put him in one of their sitcoms. He said that he wants $5 million bucks to do it though. He went on to say why he thinks he's worth it. He said that if the show ''Coupling'' had put him on, he could have raised the ratings and saved the show. He seems to think that he could save a show doing something like that. He claims that he actually did send out letters like that. He said he wouldn't want to ruin his reputation going on one of those shows unless he made a lot of money.
A caller told Howard that ''Bad Santa'' was really good but Robin wondered where it was among the other movies that were out. Howard said that it made $16 million while ''The Cat in the Hat'' made some ridiculous amount of money. He also talked about ''The Haunted Mansion'' and how bad both of those movies were reviewed. They still did well as far as making money though. Howard said that ''Bad Santa'' was originally written for Bill Murray but he turned it down for some reason. He said it still works though. Howard said that ''The Cat in the Hat'' got really horrible reviews and he'd never set foot in the theater to see it. He said even the book is bad. Stuttering John came in to defend the book but Howard kicked him out saying that it doesn't matter what he thinks.
Howard got sidetracked and talked about how he played the game Boggle with his kids over the weekend and the kids all beat him. He said he didn't get one word more than 4 letters and his 10 year old beat him. He said his father was there during that and kept asking wacky questions like he did to him when he was a kid. He said he hasn't changed one bit since then. He said he might have to call him later and talk to him about some of that. He also said that his father quotes ''Seinfeld'' a lot but calls him ''Steinfeld'' for some reason.
Howard said his mother gave Beth a scarf for all of the hard work she was doing and his father had some wacky explanation for how they got it. Howard goofed on his father for a couple of minutes after that. He said his father loves to tell you stuff that he knows that no one else seems to know. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard whipped through all of that so fast it was hard to follow. He went on to talk about a KKK initiation that went bad down South somewhere. He said that they were initiating some guys and had them blindfolded and tied to a tree. They shoot them with paintball guns and shoot real guns in the air to make them think that they're getting shot. Well, the gun shots up in the air came down and hit one of the tied up guys in the head and killed him. Howard and Robin talked about that for a short time and talked about how ridiculous it is that they do stuff like that.
Howard talked about another story he read about this albino gorilla by the name of Snowflake in Spain and how they had to put him to sleep because he had skin cancer. He said he was touched when he heard that they opened up the zoo for the kids of Spain to come in and say goodbye to him. Howard said the gorilla was 40 years old and they apparently can live much longer than that. Robin didn't find it to be as sad as Howard did.
Jeff the Drunk called in so Robin wondered if he was upset by the death of Snowflake. Artie went on to talk about how he lost to Jeff in a game of pool over the weekend. He said he put up $500 to Jeff's $10 and ended up losing a game of 8 ball. He said they were both drunk. Jeff only has the use of one arm and he can balance the pool cue with the one arm. Artie told Howard how he almost won but shot the 8 ball in the wrong pocket. Jeff came over and told him he'd beaten him but when Artie told him he shot it in the wrong hold, Jeff said ''You suck bitch'' or something like that. Howard wondered if Jeff can just take his gimp arm and lay it on the table to guide the pool cue. Jeff said he can't do that. He had no movement in that arm at all. Howard asked him a few questions about moving the arm and changing it's position but Jeff can't move it. Howard told him to carve it into a bridge for the cue. Artie said that both of them almost fell down a couple of times.
Howard said that he was up in Vermont playing pool with Beth and the bar they were in was huge but the 4 people in the place were all standing around the pool table. He said they had to ask people to move to get to the table.
Robin said that she was over in London for the weekend and had some trouble at the airport when American Airline's computer system went down. She was also up at MIT with her brilliant Nephew who was up there to check out the school. Howard said the kid must really be in demand because he's black and he's a genius. Robin said that MIT is a pretty amazing place. She told Howard about some of the stuff she saw up there and she was pretty impressed. She said it was an amazing place to be. Howard said that they have to have some black kids in the school so they must be thrilled to have her nephew looking around there. Robin said that her nephew told her that he had to change the way he was thinking and seemed to have her confused a little bit. She said that he's one of those kids who loves to be challenged. Howard told her to bring the kid in and they'd bring him to Scores. She doesn't want that happening though, he's only 17. He was actually born on the same day that Howard's daughter Debra was. Howard said if he got a hold of him for a day they'd have him talking like a rapper. He and Artie did some impressions of what they'd have him doing. Artie said he'd be saying stuff like ''E=MC Hammer'' and Howard said they'd ask him what he wants to do for a living and he'd say he'd want to be a bouncer at Scores. They had some fun with that and then Howard was going to break.
Artie said that Jeff the Drunk had a really hot girl hanging around with him. Jeff said that she's a lifeguard that he met at the job he has stamping hands. Artie said there was nothing wrong with her either. They spent a minute on that and then went to commercial.
Howard brought up Glen Campbell's arrest for drunk driving. He said his mug shot was just as bad as Nick Nolte's when he was arrested. Howard said if you don't want your kids to drink, just show them the picture of Campbell.
Howard read another story about a woman who was trampled at Wal-Mart when there was a rush for some $29 DVD players. Howard joked that there was another shopping accident when Star Jones was trying on some shoes and fell over on the guy helping her. He said that wasn't actually true of course.
Howard and the guys talked about Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise a little bit. Howard brought up how he's seen Nicole with her black kid all over the place. Howard couldn't get off the Michael Jackson thing and said that Nicole's kid looks kind of like what Jackson did when he was young. That led to Howard talking about Jackson's moon walk and how he'd like to know how to do it. Robin said that there are a lot of people who know how to do it just as well as Michael can.
Howard said that Lawrence Taylor is coming in this week and he was interviewed recently and said that he used to send hookers over to the other team the night before a game just to wear them out. He said he had that done to him one time and that's where he came up with the idea. Robin said she was standing behind Taylor one time and heard him trying to get some hookers to do that one time. Robin also brought up how Taylor was on 60 Minutes last night and ended up crying when Mike Wallace read some stuff that his son had said about him. Taylor broke down crying and walked away from the camera for a few seconds. Howard said he wants to get that transcript for his interview.
Howard said the new Paris Hilton show is starting this week and he thinks that it's going to be huge in the ratings. He said it's already getting great reviews. He said he can't wait to see it because he loves seeing Paris half naked everywhere. He said he saw a picture of Paris and her mother on stage many years ago. He said that Paris was in a skimpy outfit and she was only about 5 years old.
Howard said that P. Diddy was supposed to present an award at some event and ended up getting pissed because he thought he was receiving an award. They ended up making up an award for him to receive called the Maverick Award to calm him down. Howard said it was a VH-1 award show that did that.
Howard said they got a lot of e-mail while they were gone. One guy wrote in and congratulated Howard on dating Angie Everhart. The guy was impressed with that after seeing Angie in some movie. Howard played a clip of Angie talking about how great he was in bed. Robin said Howard was still smiling after hearing that tape again. Another e-mailer wrote in and said that Vinnie Favale is a dick for rerunning Howard's appearance on Letterman. One e-mailer said that the Wheel of Benjy thing was really gay and pointed out that Gary made contact with Benjy's penis. That led to Howard saying that tonight they do the Wheel of Benjy part 2 on E! tonight.
Some people wrote in about how bad Underdog Lady is on the show and how she shouldn't be allowed on. Another person wrote in about Artie being asleep during Shannen Doherty's appearance.
Howard took some phone calls after all of that. One guy asked Howard if he has heard from Paris Hilton yet about doing an interview. Howard said he's been contacted by a network and he thinks that it would be huge if she did it. Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he's seen Paris' new show ''The Simple Life'' and it's pretty good. He was telling Howard some other stuff but he was out of breath from running up the stairs to get to his phone. Chaunce also told Howard and the guys that he doesn't have cancer like he thought he might.
A listener called in and brought up ''The O.C.'' and how good it was last week. Howard talked about how good he thinks the show is and how much he enjoys it. He said that they have some real hot chicks on the show. He said the mother on the show is really hot looking to him and she's got to be at least 40 years old. He said it's a bunch of nonsense but the announcer of the show sounds really serious when going to breaks and stuff.
Howard said some guy sent in a tape goofing on Gary's apology tape. The guy did it as KC talking to a boyfriend. He said that it was this guy Rich Christie who did the bit. He only played a few seconds of it before going to commercial break.
Howard's father called in to talk about some concert tickets he was looking to get. Howard said that his father was looking for tickets to the radio station's ''Clausefest'' concert. A friend of his was looking for 6 of them so Howard said that might be tough to get because it's a pretty small venue. Howard asked his father who this guy is that wants the tickets. Ben said that he's known this trainer from the horse track for a couple of years and he's the one who asked for them. Ben said that he doesn't hang out with the guy, he just knows him.
Howard changed the subject and brought up how his father will never ask people how they're doing, he just asks them strange questions about history and stuff like that. Howard said the stuff he brings up is useless information and doesn't know why he brings it up. Ben said the story came up while they were discussing Iraq and their dictator leader. Howard said his father likes to test people and has to prove that he knows something when he's talking to them. Howard said his father tends to interrupt people so he thinks that his hearing aid isn't working very well.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that Ben called in on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, asking for those tickets. Ben said he did not call in on Thursday though, he called in on Wednesday trying to get hold of Gary. He wasn't in so he left a message. He didn't hear back from him and called back this morning.
Howard said he was carving the turkey over the weekend and left the room for a minute and told everyone not to touch the turkey. When he came back his father had been wrestling with the turkey and had pulled most of the skin off the thing. He told him to just leave it alone. He also said that his father is so used to having everything done for him that he can't do it himself. Howard said his father noticed that there was a clock that was flashing in his room. Howard said he had to go pull the plug out because his father was just going to sleep with it flashing.
Howard said that his father also likes to quote ''Seinfeld'' and was calling him ''Steinfeld'' over the weekend. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that. Howard had his father talk about all of the dictators in the world over history and who they were. He knew about six of them and that was about it. Howard wondered why that even came up at his holiday dinner. Ben said he told him how it came up and why he'd talked about it. Howard bailed out on the call a short time later.
A 49 year old widow called in and said that she heard Howard talking about how he wanted some to call in. Howard said he doesn't want her at 49 though, he's looking for someone about 10 years younger. He ended up hanging up on her. He said he's looking for a young widow in her 20s. Howard said he'd like to find a widow that worked at Hooters or modeled for Playboy. He said that has to exist somewhere.
A listener called in and corrected Howard's father about one of the dictator's he brought up during the earlier discussion. Howard said he loves when you can do that and make his father seem like he doesn't know all that much. He said he had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard played a little more of the bit he played earlier where the guy made the phony KC love tape. KC told Howard that this guy can do whatever he wants with the picture and he doesn't care if they sell it to a gay porn magazine. A couple of listeners called in after that and goofed on KC a little bit.
One phone caller said that he saw Jillian Barberie out in L.A. last week and she didn't look very healthy. He said her skin was bad and she didn't look that good. The guy also asked Howard if he had any prizes to give him. Howard said he didn't have anything for him today. He took another phone call after that from a woman who said she can hook Howard up with a guy who can get him looking as ripped as KC. Howard said he has trainers and he can't get any better no matter what he does. He said he can run miles and miles and work out and he doesn't look any better. The woman seemed to think that he's just not being trained right. Howard and Artie goofed on her for a short time after hanging up on her.
Howard had some phony Heidi Klum tapes to play where he pretends to interview her. He's played them before but here they are again. Most of the tapes are one liners like:
After Howard finished with those he took some phone calls. A guy claimed to have some info about Michael Jackson so Howard said that there was a TV show that had Chaunce Hayden on as a Michael Jackson ''expert.'' The caller told Howard that there was a show claiming that there was some physical evidence that Jackson had done something to this kid who's accusing him of molestation. That led to Howard and Robin talking about Jackson for a short time. The caller also brought up how Howard is always on the side of the Israeli people in the war in the Middle East. Howard went on to talk about how the country is defending itself and why they keep expanding their border. The caller was arguing with Howard and Robin about what he thought and kept asking the same question over and over again. Howard had to bail out on the call but continued to talk about the subject for a short time. Howard also brought up some of the other countries like Iraq and Afghanistan and how backwards those countries are run. Howard said they need someone like Saddam Hussein to run that country. He seems to be the only guy who can tame those people. He said it's insanity over there. There's no great inventions coming out of that country or anything like that. Howard spent a short time on that and then had to take another break.
A woman called in and said she was pissed that Howard was talking about the fire fighters who lost their lives in the World Trade Center attacks. Howard told the woman that she wasn't hearing it correctly and needed it explained to her. He eventually yelled at her to ''Get the cliff notes'' and figure it out. Howard said all she heard was 9/11 and fire fighters and laughing so she thought that's what they were laughing at. Meanwhile it was an article they'd read in the paper they were talking about. Robin started her news shortly after that crazy phone call.
During the news Chaunce Hayden called back and said he got divorced back in 1986 after finding his wife cheating on him. He said he ended up taking a chain saw and cut up all of the furniture in half. He also said he was ready to go to jail and refused to pay his ex-wife anything. He ended up walking out without paying a dime. He suggested that you go into those meetings with some balls and refuse to pay what the wife demands. It worked for him.
As the show started Robin was reminded that Howard's birthday is coming up soon as Lenny Kravitz sang Happy Birthday to Howard. Howard mentioned that there may be a Gena Lee Nolin porn tape floating around somewhere. He had to find the article in the NY Daily News. He read it and they say that the tape is set to debut on the web in the next few weeks. The paper says that she'd recently gotten breast implants when it was shot and her breasts were hurting so she didn't want to take her bra off... but her producer husband Greg Fahlman was able to get her to take it off. Howard said this sounds good to him and he'd rather see that than the Paris Hilton tapes. Howard read the rest of the article and said he can't wait to see the tape. He said he thinks that she's hot. Howard said he thinks that she's gained some weight lately but the tape was probably shot when she was still hot. Artie reminded Howard that they'd called her ''Gena Lee Swollen'' a while back. Howard said he still thinks that the tape will be better than the Paris Hilton stuff.
Howard said he can't wait to see the Paris Hilton TV show though. He then went on to talk about the embarrassing stuff he was watching yesterday. He said he watched the Trista Rehn special that was on last night. They did a pre-wedding show and it showed how empty headed Trista is. He said he also watched a Christina Aguilera special and still finds her hot. He said he doesn't even care if she's crazy like Robin said she seems to be. He said he still likes both Christina and Britney Spears. He said he'd like to F Christina while watching the Trista Rehn thing.
Howard brought up the Paris Hilton show, The Simple Life, again and said that he thinks that will be huge. Robin said they interviewed some of the people from the town that they shot the show in. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how Paris and Nicole Richie look like real women and the people in that town have never seen anyone like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up last week's Best of Stern and asked Howard why he gave up on the show. He said that the show used to be great when Jackie was on. Howard just said ''F-you'' to the guy and hung up on him. He said the show hasn't been good since 1988. Another caller told Howard he's great and mentioned the Wheel of Benjy show that was on E! last night. They discussed how funny it was when Benjy used his toe on a woman and then played naked leap frog with another one. Howard said he's thinking of submitting that show for an Emmy award. Benjy said he was mortified when he saw that stuff on TV because he looks so fat on TV. He said he's started every diet today.
Artie said that Benjy was looking kind of sick today so Howard asked him what was wrong. Benjy said he was on the internet last night and couldn't get any sleep. He was apparently looking at personal ads and stuff all night long.
A woman called in and said she watched Letterman's show that was a rerun of Howard's recent appearance. Howard said he was only on 3 weeks ago and he guesses they have to remind guests that they have to interview Dave about his girlfriend and baby. Another caller had some nasty stuff to say about Christina Aguilera. He told Howard that she's dating a ''nig***'' and she's a filthy whore. Howard said that when he's watching her he doesn't get the feeling that she'd be into white guys. He said he thinks that Britney is still into white guys though and he thinks he could have a shot at her but not Christina. He said he knew women when he was growing up who were into black guys and hispanic guys and they were never into white guys. That's why he thinks that Christina wouldn't be into him. Howard took a commercial break after talking about that.
Howard had to interrupt the e-mail to get to TV Producer Sam Simon who was on the phone. Howard said Artie told him that Sam had just gotten his marriage annulled. Howard said he just sent Sam a great wedding gift and now he wants it back. Sam said that it's a beautiful Italian glass bottle vase. Howard said it cost him about two grand and now he wants it back. Sam said Howard was one of the only people to get him a gift. The other gift came from his father and that was a bazooka. Artie sent him a card.
Howard went on to explain how Sam was married to Jennifer Tilly at one time and now she has half of his money. He said he spoke to Sam a couple of months ago and Sam told him he'd gotten married. Howard wondered then, why Sam decided to marry. Sam thought he was dying of Legionnaires disease at the time so he rushed to marry this girlfriend of his. Howard didn't understand it then and he still doesn't get it. Sam's girlfriend helped him out when he was sick and he was very grateful and indebted to her for that. That's why he married her.
Sam said he doesn't know if she's really pissed at him or not about the whole thing. He was only married for three weeks before it went bad. Sam said the first day was fun but after that there wasn't much to add. He told Howard and Robin about how he didn't have a pre-nuptial agreement with this woman. He tried to convince her that she needed one and she got pissed about that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Sam should take the bazooka he got and put it to his head. He said Sam trying to get an annulment is kind of crazy because they need both parties to agree that the marriage never happened. Sam said he never cheated on this woman or anything like that but she was very jealous of some people. Sam said that she moved out a few weeks after they married and into her own home.
Sam hasn't started dating again yet. He said he doesn't think that he's going to have to give up millions of dollars. He said he'll take her back if that's the case. He said she's only been gone for 3 days now. Sam told them that the woman liked him better as the guy stuck in the hospital. A listener called in and told Sam that if you have a couple million bucks, you have to have a pre-nuptial agreement. Sam didn't seem to like the fact that Howard was taking phone calls for him. He was ready to get off the line at that point.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Imus had just ripped Howard a new A-hole. The guy said that Imus was complaining about Howard's spy at his gym and how he dumped his wife like he'd predicted. The caller said that he also called his wife ''hideous'' and his girlfriend a ''bimbo.'' That led to Howard going off on Imus and how he used to call people ''Nig****'' and how he dumped his kids and family and a bunch of other things he knew about him when he was working with him at WNBC. Howard said that his ex-wife is still a beautiful woman and he'd put her up against Imus' wife any day. Gary came in and said that Imus was calling Howard his ''bitch'' and saying that Mel Karmazin likes him better. Howard said he's the most boring guy on radio and he's irrelevant with his 2 share ratings. He talked about Imus' ranch and how he thinks he's taking care of kids out there. Howard said he'd pummel his ass if he mention's his name. He went off on him for a couple more minutes before he had to take another break.
Howard said he got a letter from his program director up in Vermont. The guy said that there was an article about Howard's show getting ''crushed'' in the ratings up in Burlington, Vermont. There's a coach on up there who does a radio show. The guy claims that he crushes both Howard and Don Imus. Howard said he believes that the guy crushes Imus since he's in 27th place in the New York ratings. The Program Director gave Howard the ratings and shows that Howard beats them in all categories. Howard read off some of the demographic groups and Howard beats the Coach in all of them. Howard said the NY Times reporter obviously doesn't research his stuff because if he did, he would have checked the ratings and found that the Coach doesn't beat him. Howard gave the guy's name out and said that he just takes people's word for it when he interviews them. Robin said the Coach's ratings are respectable so why not just go with that. Howard said yes, their 4.5 to his 20.2 rating is respectable. Howard went off on the NY Times reporter and said that they obviously have something against him.
Robin compared that article to what Captain Janks does to TV news programs. He's able to call in and just tell people stuff that's just lies. Artie said that he just did some shows up in Burlington and it's one of those places where Howard's show is huge and no one mentioned The Coach to him. Howard put the word out to Pete Thamel, the NY Times reporter, that he should check facts before printing stuff like that.
Howard said next week they're going to be doing a contest where they'll be giving away $20,000. He said you have to be free next week and be willing to let them tape stuff in your house. Howard wouldn't give out all of the details but said that you have to be free. He said a bunch of people can come in and he'll pick just one to be the person to win the $20,000. He said if you want to be included, call them at 800-44-STERN.
Howard took a phone call about the NY Times article and why Howard was upset. Howard said he brought it up because he's wondering what else in the NY Times isn't fact checked.
Howard said George Takei has something on his web site (GeorgeTakei.com) about his new book. He had an audio clip of him talking about how people probably know him best as Mr. Sulu and about how he was the Captain of the Excelsior in one of the movies. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that a little bit. Howard played more of the audio clip from the web site and continued to goof on the guy. Takei talks about the book he has available and what he talks about in it. He mentioned the problems he and the other crew members had with William Shatner and some other stuff like that. He mentioned Shatner's ridiculous hair piece as well.
A listener called in and said he was watching Monday Night Football and saw that Doug Flutie's band went up against another band in a battle of the bands... just like Howard did against Flutie's band with his band, The Losers. Howard said when he whines about that stuff people complain that he's a baby so he wasn't going to say anything.
A guy called in and said that the reason Letterman must have repeated Howard's appearance last night was because they were up against Tom Cruise. Howard said he guesses that Letterman must have liked his appearance and that's why they replayed it. Howard said Tom Cruise is a boring interview and everyone has been burned by his lame interviews in the past. The caller told Howard how Cruise and Leno had a lame arm wrestling contest on the show and it turned out to be a draw. Howard talked about that for a short time and then said he had to take another break.
Howard had this woman Sadie Allison on the phone to talk about women's masturbating. Howard said he doesn't even know why he booked her for the show. He said that any woman who masturbates could call themselves an ''expert.'' Sadie claims that she has been contacted and asked about this subject so it is something that women want to know about. Sadie claims that most men know how to do it but a lot of women don't. KC told Howard that she should be diddling herself while she's on the phone. She claims that she just got done doing it before getting on the phone so she might need a short time to get ready again.
Sadie told Howard that she's written two books on this subject and she makes some good money doing it. Howard asked her what she knows that he doesn't. While they were talking Howard had the E! guys get her web site up on the screen so he could check her out. He said he was liking what he saw. He tried to guess what nationality she was as he looked at her. He guessed that she's got some Chinese in her. She told him that she's Chinese and Jewish. Howard said in some of the pictures she looked good but in others she had a butter-face. In one picture she looked like Fran Drescher. He guessed that she was about 5'5'' tall but she's only 5'2.'' He thought she had fake breasts but she claims that the 34-C's are natural.
Howard got back to her masturbation talk. She teaches both women and men how to pleasure women. She said the first thing you should move slow with a woman when you first meet them. They discussed that for a minute and Sadie said you have to slow down and be gentle with a woman. Howard wrapped up that suggestion saying that you should pretend to care. Sadie said that step 2 is to talk to your woman. Artie let out a sigh and asked if they can talk about sports. Sadie said you have to ask a woman where she likes to be touched and what she likes. Howard said his girlfriend hates when he does that and thinks that he should just know.
Howard asked Sadie how long he should spend kissing before he moves on to the boobs. Sadie said you should pretend that she has a chastity belt on for about 20 minutes. Howard said that he does a lot of stuff on his way down to the ''big V.'' He knows to kiss her on her stomach and thighs before he goes in there.
Sadie told Howard that once the chastity belt comes off you have to figure out if you want to use your hand, your mouth or a toy on the woman. Howard said he won't use his mouth on a new woman, he also wouldn't use a toy the first time. While they were talking about all of this Howard took some phone calls. A few people asked Howard to get her off the air already. Howard then gave her a plug for her web site TickleKitty.com. He gave her a couple of plugs for her book ''Tickle Your Fancy: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure'' and her Sex God Kit that's available at her web site. He wrapped up the call a short time after that.
Howard got off the phone with her and read some of the suggestions she has in her book. Most of the stuff he read was common knowledge. Some of it was also ridiculous. He said that she mentioned something about how men shouldn't have to orgasm during sex every time. He said he's never had sex and not orgasmed and wondered why she'd say something like that. He said he was with some women after his marriage ended and he couldn't hold out for long because the woman was so hot. A listener called in and told Howard that Sadie was right about making your woman feel good because if you don't, she won't want to keep you happy.
Riley Martin called in and left a message for KC. Riley, the UFO guy, said that there was a bio-chemical released in the New York subway and he'd predicted it one of the last times he was on the show. He said that he thinks he would like to do an in studio interview again about this attack. He says he has a lot of information and it does not come from this planet. Howard wondered what it would be like if he was telling the truth and he really was in contact with aliens.
Raymond Norman, the guy who yells about Oprah Winfrey, called in and left a message about the movie ''Paycheck'' and how he thinks that if it make money, it's going to do well because of Uma Thurman, not Ben Affleck. He repeated the Uma Thurman thing a bunch of times during the message.
Robin's boyfriend who leaves nasty messages for her all the time struck again. He left yet another one where he went off on her again calling her names and stuff. Howard was about to take a break after playing that call but he had Dennis Rodman on the line.
Dennis said that there's always something that comes up when he's going to get back in the game. Howard said he heard that John Salle is upset with Dennis because he vouched for him and then he went and crashed the motorcycle. Howard asked Dennis if he's depressed that Carmen Electra is married now. He said he's happy for her. Howard said that he's depressed that she's married.
Howard wondered if there's a chance that Dennis will be back in the NBA. He said he'd like to see him play. Dennis said that he's not sure about that but he's ready to go back to playing and he can still play just fine. He seems to think that he's been black balled.
Howard asked Dennis if he thinks he could bang Christina Aguilera. He said he was hanging out with her one night but she's too young for him. Howard went on to give Dennis a plug for a show that features Dennis that will be airing on ESPN. It's a reality show where they follow Dennis' attempt to get back in the NBA.
A listener called in and asked Dennis if he has a mirror at home because he's a ''scary nig***.'' Howard asked Dennis if he thinks there will ever be peace in this world after hearing that. Dennis said he always gets the biggest dick heads to call in when he's on the show. Another caller asked Dennis what's wrong with him psychologically because he's done so many freaky things in his career. Robin asked him if he thinks there really is something wrong with him psychologically. Dennis said that he has done things to make money, just like Howard. Robin also pointed out that he's been arrested and had some legal troubles as well. Howard pointed out that he hasn't molested any young boys. Dennis said that's not his thing.
A couple more callers got through and said that Dennis had raped their sisters for some reason. Everyone was picking on the guy so Howard stopped the calls and asked Dennis about getting back in the game. Howard and Robin mentioned a couple of things that he did when he was in the NBA in the past. He said a lot of that stuff was lies. Howard took another call from a guy from InsideHoops.com who told Howard what Dennis needs to do to get back into the NBA. He said he needs to be a role model to the younger players. Howard asked Dennis if he's ready to do that. Dennis said he won't be doing that, he's going to be playing to win and that's it.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Dennis and let some people go off on him. Howard also asked Dennis if he's in bed with his wife or his girlfriend. Dennis said that he's only got one wife and he's not cheating on her. Howard said that's not the Dennis he knows. Howard started to wrap up the call but Dennis said he still has two friends in New York. Howard and Robin. Howard also remembers the time that Dennis went out with Robin on a date. Dennis said if he had the chance 6 years ago, he would have banged the hell out of her. Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that Dennis is one of the cheapest guys around and doesn't tip the strippers out in Las Vegas.
Howard gave Dennis another plug for the ESPN show ''Rodman on the Rebound'' that will be airing tonight. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later. After getting off the phone Howard said he doesn't believe Dennis' wife even has a key to his home. He said
Jamie said that while they knew this kid, he developed an 8 pound tumor next to his kidney. He was in the hospital for a while so they have comedians go visit them to cheer them up. They treated the kid with chemotherapy and he wasn't eating. Jamie told the kid that if he ate, he'd bring anyone who he wanted to meet over to meet him. He wanted to meet Adam Sandler, Chris Tucker and Michael Jackson. Jamie didn't know Michael Jackson but the other two went out of their way to treat this kid very nicely. After that Jamie said they had to do a blood drive for the kid. Michael Jackson heard about this after some people told him about it. He saw the TV report and decided to get involved. He went to the hospital and met him and then invited him to the Neverland Ranch to hang out with him. Howard told Jamie he must have made a love connection (allegedly). After that the kid went back and forth between Michael and the kid's cancer went into remission. Jamie said he doesn't know if anything else happened.
Jamie said that he doesn't think that the family is after money. He said they live in a one room apartment and have never asked for money from any of these other celebrities. Jamie said that the kid is still very sick and one of his kidney's is failing. He doesn't even know if he will survive. He said he hasn't discussed the charges with the family because he is more concerned about the kid's health. Jamie said he feels that the family is very honest and he's seen no evidence of them being greedy or anything like that.
Howard had tape of the interview this kid did with Martin Bashir earlier this year. It's the tape where the kid and Michael talked about sleeping in the same room and how it was a normal thing to do. Jamie was upset that Bashir didn't cover up the kid's face in the interview. Howard played the clip and had the kid's name bleeped out. The boy talks about how Jackson knows how to be a kid. Jackson also talks about how the kid's cancer was in remission and how ''medicine don't know it all.'' The kid and Michael talk about sleeping in the same room. Bashir asked Jackson what he gets out of doing stuff like that since he's a 44 year old man. Howard let the tape play to show how strange Jackson comes off talking about how sharing your bed with someone shows your love for them. Jackson says that he's never invited any of these kids to stay with him, they always ask to stay with him.
After playing the tape Howard said if he were Jackson's attorney, he'd just play that tape because the kid said that nothing happened and he had fun with Jackson. Howard asked Jamie if he would set anymore kids up with Jackson if they asked about it. Jamie said he'd have second thoughts about doing that again. Jamie said he was just trying to bring that kid some happiness. Howard said he wouldn't blame Jamie for what happened, if anything happened at all.
A listener called in and said that the kid never went after money with anyone else because they don't have the same M.O. That Jackson has. Another caller wondered if the kid could have been molested (allegedly) because he only had weeks to live. Howard said he would go to pick up sick kids when he was desperate. Double A called in and said that he doesn't have much time left to live and asked Jamie if he could hook him up with Howard's girlfriend Beth.
Howard asked Jamie about his club, The Laugh Factory, and how he came up with that. Jamie told Howard about that and how he got the place started. He said he used to have people like David Letterman helping him out years ago. He knows a lot of big names in the industry. Howard also read that he used to manage Aiesha Tyler but she eventually dumped him after getting her own show. She had him introduce her to a bunch of people at the NATPE convention and fired him right after that. He said she didn't pay him what she owed. Jamie said that Aiesha once asked him to ban Joe Rogan from his club for some reason and that might have had something to do with it. He doesn't even know why she wanted Rogan banned. He claims that he got her the job on Talk Soup and a bunch of other jobs as well as helping her lose weight and stuff like that. Howard said there's bound to be some bad blood with some people.
Howard heard that Jamie used to play a tape at his club that mentioned Howard was number one. He said he used to play it and had a poster that said Howard was the King of all Media. One night Madonna came in and demanded that they not play the Howard Stern tape or she wouldn't come in anymore. Jamie said he wouldn't stop playing it and told Madonna that if she didn't want to come in, then she shouldn't come in. She never came back. Howard said that she's a filthy, swine pig for demanding something so ridiculous.
Jamie also had some funny stories about Redd Foxx and Sam Kinison that he told. There were some stories about Mick Jagger and Uma Thurman coming into the club together one night. He said he thinks there may have been something going on between them but he doesn't have proof. Howard also asked him about Rodney Dangerfield and how he's doing. Jamie said that he's doing well and is even doing another movie.
Howard bragged that he scooped Diane Sawyer who was supposed to do an interview with Jamie about the Michael Jackson stuff. He said he's not even sure if he's still doing the interview with her though. Howard gave Jamie a plug for his club and wrapped up the interview. Jamie said he'll be opening a club in New York City as well. Check out LaughFactory.com for more info about the club.
Howard said that he got an e-mail from a guy out in St. Louis who said that the Steve and DC show was canceled. He read through that and also gave Chris Jericho's band Fozzy a plug. He said Jerricho asked him to plug the appearance they're making in the area. Howard did that for him and read a few more e-mails. He got one from someone who pointed out the name of a football player... Earthwind Moreland. He was named after the band Earth Wind and Fire. The guys talked about that for a few seconds.
Howard mentioned the contest they're going to have where they have a couple of gay guys try to Bukkake KC's new poster faster than the other guy. Artie said he's not sure he wants to see that. Howard had Robin start her news right after that.
During the news Howard mentioned that Stuttering John was out jogging the other day and saw Jackie. They both didn't look at each other and ran the other way. John came in and said that it really is weird how they just stopped talking to each other after Jackie left the show. John said he loved Jackie when he was on the show and doesn't know what happened there. Howard said that maybe the pain is too great for him now. John told Howard that when he asked Jackie about being at one of his parties one time, he just shrugged him off when he asked if he didn't like him anymore.
Gary came in and said that Jackie told him that no one ever gave him an untimatum about coming back to the show. Howard said he asked Jackie to come back 20 times and he didn't come back. Gary also said there was a date for him to come back or they wouldn't have him back. He claims that Jackie told him that they may be right about that but there were a lot of those dates over the years. Howard said Jackie told him to do what he had to do when he asked him to come back. Gary said he hasn't heard from Jackie for the past 2 years now. John said it must be painful for him. Howard seems to think this was probably the best thing for Jackie though.
Stuttering John said that Jackie owes Benjy a lot of money for food that he bought for years. He billed everyone after a couple of years and he figures that Jackie must owe him about two grand. He said some of the other guys owe him some money as well but he hasn't gotten around to billing them yet. Howard had to get back to Robin's news but had to take a break before that.
Howard started off the show taking a phone call from a guy who had an Imus update. He brought up the comments Imus made yesterday on his show saying that he knew Howard would dump the ''skank'' of a wife he had. Howard said that he would play the tape of Imus talking about him and bring up how he dumped his wife as well. Howard said that Imus wears this big, giant cowboy hat all the time and it must be to cover up his bad hair. He went off on him talking about how he's doing the same thing he's accusing him of so he found that pretty funny. Howard said he must be pissed because of the guy who reports on his workout at the gym he goes to. Howard said if the guy can get some video, he'd put it up on the web for people to watch.
A listener called in and said he was checking out KC's poster (KCPoster.com) and it was pretty good for a bed wetter. Howard mentioned the new contest they're going to have where they have a couple of gay guys try to beat off on it. He said Tom Chiusano wrote an e-mail to Gary yesterday saying that he had a problem with that. Howard said that means he'll probably have to hold the contest somewhere else. Tom doesn't want any bodily fluids being left in the studio. Gary came in and said that Tom doesn't want them doing it anywhere. He told Howard that he hates that word that Howard uses, Bukkake, and doesn't want him doing any promotion for it. Howard said the word doesn't mean anything, they attached a meaning to it and now Tom has a problem with it. Howard said it's like using the word ''Fluck'' because it doesn't mean anything. Howard explained how Tom stopped their Bon Jovi Bukkake contest after Tom went to their lawyers and asked for their advice.
Big Black called in and brought up a news story about a couple of cops who beat up a big black guy. Robin said she was bored with that story and didn't bring it up yesterday. Howard said that he thought the guy just had to lay down and they would have stopped beating him. Big Black wanted Howard to talk about it but Howard didn't think it was that interesting after they did talk about it. Howard got him off the line a short time later. Big Black was looking for a prize but Robin told Howard not to give the jobless guy anything. Howard then suggested that he go get a job. Big Black had a job at Yankee Stadium during their season but now he's out of work again.
A woman called in and said she watched ''The Simple Life'' last night. Howard said he watched it as well but he won't be watching it again because it was boring. He said that Nicole Richie shouldn't stand next to Paris Hilton because she looks like a 40 year old woman. Howard also complained about Paris' flat ass and how unattractive that is. He and Robin talked about how they blurred out Paris' ass crack when it was showing during the show. Howard said that she shouldn't have been wearing the low rider jeans she was wearing with that flat ass of hers. He also said that the show was very forced and not that good. He said there were a few lines that were kind of funny but it wasn't that great. Artie said he watched it and was pissed that he was tricking into seeing it. He said he was hoping that the one kid was going to get a threesome from the two girls though. Howard said he doesn't think he's going to go back to watching the show but he may change his mind. The next episode of the show airs tonight.
Howard and the woman who called in talked about Nicole and how bad she looked on the show. Howard and Artie were also talking about how beautiful Paris' face is but how she has bow legs and has trouble walking. Howard also pointed out how she's famous for doing nothing. Robin said she's rumored to inherit $30 million dollars. She also said that she read that Paris agreed to do the show to help her career. She apparently wants to be an actress and a singer. Howard and the woman on the phone talked about how bad the hillbilly women looked on ''The Simple Life.'' Howard said there's not much difference between those women and the men on the show. They don't even try to look like women for some reason. Howard had to take a break after talking about that.
Howard played a new commercial parody that they put together. It was a Christmas commercial for ''Anal'' where they talk about women giving their husbands anal sex for the holidays.
Howard had a new The Onion Radio News bit that he heard yesterday. He wanted to play it but Gary didn't have it ready yet for him. He went on to play tape of Imus freaking out on him because of the guy who spies on him at his gym. Howard said he wants someone following his workout all the time now that he knows how upset he gets. Howard pointed out that Imus has done the things he's goofing on him about. He played the tape and Imus calls himself ''I-Man'' and says that Howard is his ''little bitch.'' Meanwhile, Howard has higher ratings and he's the one that gets invited on Letterman. Imus admits that Howard has higher ratings than him but he's still his bitch. Imus says that Mel (Karmazin) likes him better. Howard says that Mel likes him better because he behaves on the air. Imus brags about inducting Mel into ''two halls of fame.'' Howard said ''who cares'' and that the reason Mel likes them is because they make him money. Imus goes on to complain about this ''meat head'' who reports on his workout at Gold's gym.
Some woman on Imus' show tells him to ''take him out'' and Howard didn't know what they were talking about. Imus goes on to say that he predicted that Howard would dump his hideous wife and hook up with some bimbo. Howard said his ex-wife isn't hideous and his girlfriend isn't a bimbo. He siad she's a lot hotter than Imus' wife. He said his first wife to Imus' first wife is a winner and his girlfriend to Imus' new wife is a winner as well. Howard pointed out how Imus dumped his first wife and kids and they all hate him. Imus and his sidekick Barnard are goofing on him about his bimbo. Imus says that Howard must be upset because he has more money than he does... even though Howard makes more than he does. Imus then complains about Gold's Gym and his trainer because of the guy who spied on him. The guy who reported on Imus says that he can only bench the bar when he's lifting weights. Howard said he'd pay a cash prize to anyone who can get video of Imus working out.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he spent the night with Imus' daughter one night. He was at a Heart concert and she was hitchhiking out of the parking lot and he picked her up. He said she eventually went on to trash him for an hour after mentioning who her father was. Chaunce said she seemed more embarrassed by him than anything. Howard said he'd like to talk about his kids but he doesn't want to screw up any income they have coming from him so he's not going to talk that much about them. Howard continued his goofing on Imus about his workout and how he seems to expect Gold's Gym to shut down for him and not let anyone see him working out.
Howard said that Mary Carey and Tabitha Stevens are going to be on to talk about their new reality TV show. He said Lawrence Taylor will also be stopping by as well as Simon Cowell. He went to break after mentioning that.
Howard asked what a girl has to do to not get in porn. He wondered if they have to be missing limbs or something. Tabitha said she would do someone without a limb and she'd be right on the stump.
Howard talked to Mary about her run for Governor of California. She said she didn't win but it did get her a lot of notoriety. Howard got back to the contest the girls are hosting and asked them what kind of games are involved in it. Tabitha said they play games during the day and then the girls have to stay together at night. Mary said that's when she comes in and plays some other games. Mary said that there were some girls that she didn't want to kiss because they weren't her type.
Howard asked how much the show is going to cost people to watch. They had no idea. It's supposed to last 16 weeks though and you'll have to pay for it somehow. The girls said that the winner of the contest will be voted on by internet fans so they don't know who the winner is yet.
Tabitha said there was one scene where two women were doing a love scene and she interrupted them and got in on the action. She said they were upset with her for doing that but she thought it was boring. After hearing that Howard gave the girls a plug for the show and the web site where you can find out more. The show is called ''Can You Be a Porn Star'' and you can find out more at CanYouBeAPornStar.com.
Howard heard that Tabitha is going to be in a legitimate movie with Emilio Estevez and some other famous actors. He talked to her about that and then asked Mary about going on a coke binge for a month after losing the run for governor. She said she had some problems with that but she eventually got back with her husband and things are back to normal. Howard wanted Mary to lick Tabitha's ass while she was naked but Mary was afraid her husband would get upset with her. She went ahead and did it after a little coaxing though. Howard took a break shortly after that.
LT came in and Howard asked him about the bathroom thing. He said he thought that someone was watching him. He didn't have any excuses though. Howard said Will may have been looking to see his large member. Howard then asked LT about a line in his new book ''LT: Over the Edge : Tackling Quarterbacks, Drugs, and a World Beyond Football'' about how he can give a woman ''two 8's'' but not 15 inches in his pants. Howard wondered what that means but LT didn't seem to have an answer. Robin told Howard that LT likes to be called Lawrence Taylor these days because he was LT back in the football days. Howard said he wants to interview LT though, not Lawrence Taylor.
Howard asked LT why he cried during his interview on 60 Minutes the other day. He said he really didn't cry though. Fred started playing some sad piano music in the background. Howard then read the letter that was read to him on 60 Minutes to try and get him to cry again. LT was just laughing though. Howard told him ''Go ahead, cry!'' It wasn't working though. Howard said LT cried when Mike Wallace read the same letter to him on 60 Minutes. LT said he was thinking about all of the stuff he put his family through and that's why he broke down on that show.
Howard said one of the startling revelations LT made in his book was that he got bonuses for good hits in the football games he played in. LT said that's not what he wrote and it was being mis read. Gary came in and said LT admitted to that on 60 Minutes and that he got $500,000 for breaking Joe Theisman's leg. He said there were incentives for playing well. He said they would also get fined for not doing certain things. Stuttering John came in and said that it did come across like that on 60 Minutes. Howard didn't have tape to play though so they couldn't prove it. Howard tried to calm LT down by reading that letter from his son again.
Howard asked LT about some comments he made about Boomer Esiason and if he has a problem with him. LT told him that he doesn't have a problem with him though. Howard also asked LT about the stories about how he would hire hookers to go over and tire out the other teams when they were going to play against them. LT admitted that was true. Howard said he talks about his drug use in the book and how he used crack during the football season but wouldn't do it on game day. He stopped using after getting caught on two drug tests. LT said he figured he could go back to recreational use after quitting but it doesn't work like that. He said within a month he was back to being worse than he ever was.
Gary brought tape in from LT's 60 Minutes interview where he admits to getting paid to take people out in the games. He said they weren't paid for cheap shots but they would get bonuses for taking guys out during a game.
Howard moved on to the girls that LT has had. In the book he talks about how he had 5 girls at one time. Howard asked him who they were and how he managed to do that. He said some of them were hookers. He said that was a long time ago though. Howard asked him if he used a rubber when he did that. It turns out that all 5 weren't at one time, they were probably all in a row.
Robin said she was behind LT once down in Atlantic City and he was very angry at the time. She said she was just listening and he was requesting some whores and the guy he was talking to told him that he wasn't a pimp. Howard asked him if he thinks he was a sex addict. He said anything he did was usually to excess so, yes, he was a sex addict. Howard read that one time he was handcuffed by a whore and she didn't have the key so he showed up to practice with the cuffs on. He said they had to call security to get the cuffs off.
LT told Howard and Robin about how he went to his last rehab back in 1998 and he wasn't sure where he was going. He said he met his current wife when he moved to Florida and has been with her ever since. Howard asked him if he misses getting some strange poon tang. He said he kind of does miss it but it's better this way. He said he hasn't cheated on his wife either.
Howard said LT talks about his relationship with OJ Simpson in his book. He read a line from the book that basically says he doesn't care what OJ has done, as long as he doesn't do anything to him. LT said he's can't judge someone like that. Howard told him that in the back of his mind he's got to be thinking about how OJ killed his wife. Howard asked him if he'd ever complain about his wife to OJ. LT was just laughing as he heard that. He said he and his wife have gotten together with OJ and his woman. LT said his wife doesn't get nervous around him either. He said he and OJ never talk about any of that stuff anyway because it would be too uncomfortable.
Howard gave LT a plug for his new book ''LT: Over the Edge : Tackling Quarterbacks, Drugs, and a World Beyond Football'' and asked him how many women he thinks he's banged. He said ''a couple.'' He said he's pretty dull now.
LT brought up Angie Everhart so Howard told him how she claimed in an article that he was one of the best lovers she ever had. Howard played some tape of her talking about him for a second but LT didn't hear her saying he was one of the best.
Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later. He gave him a plug for the Lingerie Bowl that will air on pay-per-view. He also let Artie ask LT a question. He asked if the Giants should get rid of their coach. LT said he doesn't think they should fire him. Howard then asked LT if OJ was right to kill Nicole. There was silence after that question. Howard took a break a short time later.
Howard said the thing he found most interesting in his book was the fact that Eddie Murphy came to him one time and wanted him to produce his album. He played 12 songs for him and Simon said they weren't very good. At the time Bruce Willis was selling a lot of albums in England so he figured he'd give Eddie's music a try. He said he went to Eddie's home in New Jersey and went to his recording studio. He didn't know what to tell Murphy as the songs were playing. He sat through all of them and after 12-15 songs, he wanted to have a word with Eddie alone. He told Eddie that they weren't very good and perhaps he should work with his producer. Eddie agreed but wasn't too thrilled with that. When Simon spoke to his management, they wanted to fly everyone over to England. They basically wanted a couple of chartered Concorde flights for everyone. Once he found that out, he dropped the whole idea.
Howard said Simon was talking to Gary back in the green room about American Idol and the sad parts of the show. Howard talked about the horrible American Idol Christmas special. He told Simon how bad it was since Simon wasn't there to see it. Howard said that everyone singing is a sissy and it's the ''sissification of America'' when you watch that stuff. He told Simon that the really hot ones can't sing and it's always a fat chick who is able to sing. Simon was going to try and change that this season but he told Robin that he wasn't able to do that.
Simon told Howard that the auditions for this season are even funnier than the past couple of seasons. While they were talking about that Simon told Howard that he met Paris Hilton. Howard said he got a vibe from him that he'd banged her. Simon didn't know where he got that from though. They talked about the show that Paris is on for a few seconds and then got back to the American Idol thing.
Howard read that Simon has been offered sex from the mothers of some of the contestants to help them get along but he's turned them all down. He said that some of the mothers are hot though.
Howard said that the sad part of American Idol is when the winners don't end up being big stars. Howard used Justin Guarini as an example. He was dropped from his record label because his album didn't do that well. Simon said that you never know what's going to happen because Clay Aiken was the runner up last season but his album is doing very well.
Howard said he kept Tabitha Stevens around because Simon wanted to meet her a while back. He has spoken to her on the air before but never met her in person. Simon wasn't sure he wanted to meet her since his girlfriend was listening. Simon said she looked kind of shy today. Howard asked Tabitha to show Simon her ass. She didn't want to do that, but she did show him her breasts. Howard said he'd bang her hard if he could have her. Howard had Simon look at her even though he didn't seem to want to. Simon said that Tabitha is a 9 and a half to him. Howard told her that if she'd kept her mouth shut, he probably would have done her.
Howard had one of his interns come in to sing for Simon but Simon was afraid Howard was going to trick him again like he did when he was on with Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. Howard swore that this was just an intern though. Howard read through a few more things in his book before letting the intern perform. He read a few things that Simon wrote about some performers like Michael Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, Elton John and a bunch of others. He gave Simon a plug for the book ''I Don't Mean to Be Rude, But... : Backstage Gossip from American Idol & the Secrets that Can Make You a Star'' which is out now.
Howard moved on to Josh the intern who wanted to perform for Simon. Simon asked him if he's recorded anything professionally yet. He said he hasn't and Howard and Gary swore that he is an intern. Josh went on to perform a song that he wrote himself. He played guitar and sang the song on his own. Simon said he didn't get that type of music. He said it was ''a bit tortured'' to him but he wasn't a bad singer. Simon said he doesn't get that type of music at all. Howard said he wasn't moved by the music but it wasn't bad. He said his voice was very pleasant and he can play the guitar very well. Gary said he's heard the song a couple of times and it grows on you. Howard told him to go back to answering his phones.
Howard gave Simon another plug for his book and said that he'll be signing copies at the Barnes and Noble in Rockefeller Center today at one o'clock. He then took some phone calls for him. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said something about Kelly Clarkson and Ruben Studdard but Howard didn't know what she was talking about so he hung up on her. He ended up talking about how he thinks that Kelly Clarkson is losing it and isn't that good. Simon said she has a good voice though.
Simon pointed out the fact that Ruben Studdard doesn't thank him or Paula and Randy on his album but thanks half of America. He said he's a bit ungrateful. Howard also talked to Simon about Randy and how he's had his stomach stapled. Simon said he'd rather have Randy fat though. He said he kind of likes him like that. Howard took a couple more quick calls and then wrapped up the interview.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to tell Howard how good Josh was. A guy called in and said the same thing. Howard figures that Josh had his friends all call in to complain about them cutting him off. He took a bunch more calls and they were all telling him that Josh was great. One 40 year old truck driver said that the song gave him chills. There were too many passionate people though and Howard said he thinks Josh has a campaign of friends calling in.
Howard said he got a good write up in the paper. He said their program director, Rob Cross (aka Chuck Roast), was interviewed and said some very nice stuff about him in the article. Howard read part of the article and Rob says that Howard is even better than he thought. He also said that he's very easy to work with. Howard said that's a lie because he's only spoken to him about two times. Cross says he wants to turn WXRK into a great rock station and he has to make some changes. So far he's fired Stuttering John from his one hour ''Out to Lunch'' show.
Howard brought up ''The Simple Life'' again and said he's not sure if he's going to watch another episode. He was bored with the first episode that aired last night. Howard played some clips from the show that were kind of entertaining. In one clip the girls are told to watch out for the well in the floor of the hillbilly house they're living in. They aren't sure what a well is used for. In another clip the girls talk about Wal-Mart like they have no idea what it is. Howard said that Paris' father was interviewed about what kind of education Paris has but it's very unclear. A lot of people think that she doesn't have a high school diploma. Howard and Robin said they didn't really laugh during the show last night. Howard said he likes looking at Paris because she is sexy. Gary came in and told Howard that the show did well in the ratings. It got a 9.3 to Jag's 9.5. The Charlie Brown Christmas was on last night and Artie watched that. He said he loves those cartoons. Howard said he wants to have a cartoon called ''Daniel Carver's Christmas'' or something like that. He also said he'd rather see Paris and Nicole working with Daniel Carver doing his roofing.
Howard talked about the Paris hilton sex tape and the Gena Lee Nolin sex tape. He said that he wants to see that Gena Lee tape. That led to them talking about couples that tape themselves having sex. Howard said women should never give up the tapes because the guy is never going to erase it if the chick is hot.
Howard said they got some e-mail about the Wheel of Benjy. A few people complained about the show that aired on E! the other night. He said he's sticking to the Wheel of Benjy even though some people don't want it on anymore. There were also come e-mails about the re-airing of his David Letterman appearance on Monday night. Some people wrote in about KC's new poster (KCPoster.com) and how hot he looks in the poster. Some people complained about Sam Simon being on the show the other day as well.
Someone corrected Howard about the mother on ''The O.C.'' because she's not in her 40's like he thought she was. The e-mailer said that she's only 36 years old.
Howard said he picked up an issue of Rolling Stone recently and they had the top 500 albums listed in there. He disagreed with a lot of the stuff they had in there but he did agree with the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band being number one. He said he'll bring in the list and go over it sometime soon.
Howard said he watched some of the Shania Twain special and she looked awful in it. He said she was wearing some bad clothes and didn't change during the whole special. He said he watched a Christina Aguilera special last week as well and loved seeing her wearing chaps and showing her ass. After talking about that for a few seconds he had Robin start her news.
Howard said they had a big show today. Robin said it looked pretty scary to her because there was a lot of musical equipment there. Howard said they're going to have Staind as their backup band and everyone is going to be performing karaoke songs. Artie said he's going to be doing Bruce Springsteen's ''Glory Days.'' Howard is going to do a Beatles song. He couldn't remember it at first but eventually remembered it was ''Blackbird.'' Robin said she's going to do Sheryl Crow's ''If It Makes You Happy.'' Howard suggested that she do some outfit changes today but she said that won't happen. He said that the audience is going to vote for the winner of the contest. He thought that Artie might win doing his Springsteen impression.
Tom Chiusano is also competing so Howard ended up talking about how he has spoiled their plan to do a Bukkake contest on KC's new poster (KCPoster.com). He goofed on him for a minute and said he'll be performing ''Let it Be'' which is pretty tough. KC is also going to be performing a song. He's doing Counting Crows' ''Round Here.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Paris Hilton looked anorexic on her show ''The Simple Life'' last night. Howard said she does look kind of anorexic. He wasn't going to watch the show again after seeing the first episode. He and Robin both watched the second episode. Howard said she looked pretty good in a bikini though. Howard said there really wasn't anything else on so that show is benefiting from that. Howard said that the show isn't really funny. He talked about how they taped the whole show before the whole sex tape thing came out so no one expected her to be so popular. Howard and Robin talked about some of the stuff the girls were doing on the show last night.
A listener called in and said that his dog screwed his buddy's daughter who is only 2 and a half or 3 years old. Howard said he's seen that happen before with little kids. The guy who called in the story had a lame punch line to the fake call though. He said the kid looked up and said ''Am I going to have puppies?'' Howard hung up on him and spent a few more seconds talking about that.
A caller mentioned that there was an episode of ''The Larry Sanders Show'' where Warren Zevon, John Ritter and Gene Siskel were all on. All three of them are dead now. Howard talked about how much that sucks that they're all dead so young. He talked about that for a few seconds.
Howard said he hasn't been able to get much sleep lately. He explained how he had some changes done to his apartment a few years ago where they removed some big, ugly heating units. He said you don't see the big boxes anymore but now he has no heat at the start of the winter. Then when he gets it fixed the pipes start clanging during the night and he can't sleep. He complains about the stuff and the people who installed everything want him to pay them every time they come out to fix it. Howard said he's got to call in someone new to get it fixed the right way. He said he might just have to shut the heat off at night and just freeze. He said the whole thing is a nightmare. He said when they call and complain, the people basically say that it's not their problem.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if Howard is going to go into anymore markets. He said he would if anyone wanted to put him on. The guy was calling from Tampa Bay, Florida and he's not on down there. The guy figured he wasn't on because his ex-in-laws were down in that area. Howard said that's not the reason he's not on down there. He doesn't care if he's on somewhere like that. Howard said he'd like to be on everywhere but that just doesn't happen.
Howard got back to his heating problems and took a call from a guy who suggested some things to help stop the banging in his heating system. Howard said he doesn't want to hear about how to fix it, he just wants it fixed.
Howard brought up the coverage of the lighting of the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center that was on last night. He wondered if Al Roker is getting fat again. He had a stomach operation and lost a ton of weight but he's been eating all kinds of crap and may be getting fat again. Howard said he's defying the stomach stapling and just eating. Stuttering John came in and said that he watched that show and Liz Phair screwed up her song. The guys spent a short time talking about some of the other lame performers that sucked on that show. Howard also asked John what song he'd be performing today. John said he's going to do ''Feel Like Makin' Love.'' They got back to the Karaoke discussion and John mentioned that Robin took singing lessons at one time. Robin said that didn't help though. They played a clip of her singing for one of Stuttering John's albums and she's right, the lessons didn't help. Howard wanted her to sing a little right then but she didn't want to do it yet. Howard sang along to Sheryl Crow's ''If it Makes You Happy.'' John said he can't wait for the part where she sings ''If it makes you happy.'' It's up pretty high so it might be kind of tough for Robin to reach. Howard had to take a commercial break right after that.
Howard played tape of John Travolta talking about how he can fly his private plane from his home in Florida. In the clip they say that his home was $3.5 million and it's got 21,000 square feet of living area. That plus the hanger for his airplanes... and a runway to land them. Howard and the guys talked about how wacky that is. Howard said he can't stand that he has a Gulf Stream jet of his own. Robin wondered how many people his 747 (it's a 707) holds and how much it must cost. Howard said he never thought about that because he knows he'll never own one.
Howard said Ken Baker from Us Weekly interviewed the guy who is marrying Trista ''The Bachelorette'' and the guy told him that Trista doesn't enjoy sex that much and she doesn't see herself having sex unless it's to have a baby. Howard said he'd love to interview that guy because there's no way that marriage is going to last. Robin said he's got to get out of that whole thing before they get married. Robin and Howard spent a minute talking about how important sex becomes in a marriage, especially if you're not getting any.
Howard said they have a contest for women to participate in to win a prize to the AVN awards. They're not saying what the contest is until the people show up there at the station. Howard said they have a bunch of guys coming in to win a $20,000 prize next week but this AVN award prize is happening tomorrow. The winner gets a 4 day, 3 night trip to Las Vegas. That led to Howard talking about how he wants to go back to Vegas next year.
Howard said that everyone is checking out KC's new poster at KCPoster.com and they're all calling in to leave voice mail for them. Howard played some from a bunch of guys pretending to be gay guys. They're all goofing on him and making jokes about how gay the poster looks. Howard wants to know who's buying that poster.
Howard played some tape from Inside the Actors Studio where they interviewed the cast of ''Will and Grace.'' The host asked each of them what their favorite word was as their character and as their real personality. Howard and Artie goofed on that whole thing for a short time. The host Then asks the actors what their least favorite words are. Howard said the whole thing was just bad.
Howard took a call from a listener who said that today is the 10th anniversary of Frank Zappa's death. He said he thinks that he was a genius and just wanted to remind everyone about it. Howard said he wasn't a fan of Zappa's music but he did like interviewing him. The caller said that Zappa was a big help in the development of 5.1 surround sound. Howard was going to play some of his music to show how strange it was. The caller had a little bit to play so Howard had him do that. Howard said he defies anyone to figure out what's going on with his music. The guy was saying that Frank had a couple of hits but the songs he mentioned weren't really hits. Howard was waiting to hear the song but the guy was having a tough time getting it to start. It finally started but Howard only let it play for about 10 seconds before bailing out on the call. Howard asked the guy to call back on the 20th anniversary of his death. Fred played a little bit of a Zappa song he had. It was even worse than the stuff the guy called in with. Howard said he liked ''Hey Ya'' from Outkast. He played a little bit of that and said Frank Zappa should have sung that. Howard said he likes it because it (almost) has ''Hey Now'' in it. He said they're going to play it when they have the gay guys Bukkake KC's poster. He was singing along and coming up with some new lyrics for the song. He said he might have to write a song called ''F-You'' to that tune. He took a break right after that.
Howard said he has a hickey on his neck. He said he wasn't going to mention it but ended up showing it to Artie and Robin. He said when he has sex women can't control themselves and have to suck on him. He said there's nothing better than banging because it takes his mind off of everything.
Howard brought up a story about a former model who is 60 years old. She had a stroke and went into a coma for a while. When she came out of the coma, she had a British accent. Howard said that maybe all British people actually speak like us but they're all stroke victims. Howard said Good Morning America got a hold of the woman and interviewed her. It wasn't even a good British accent though. During the interview Diane Sawyer played tape of her speaking before her stroke and the voice was very different. There was a doctor there to talk about how it's a known disorder that has been discussed in the past. Howard said it's known as ''Foreign Accent Syndrome'' and there have been only 20 cases reported worldwide. Howard asked Robin if she thinks the woman is for real. Robin said she doesn't sound like any British accent she's heard. Robin also said she didn't have a great voice before the stroke.
Howard brought up the Christmas tree lighting at Rockefeller Center. He said that when he worked there at WNBC it was always a nightmare after they lit that tree because of the people and the traffic. Howard played some tape from the special that ran last night. He played some Harry Connick Jr. Singing his horrible songs. Howard and Artie goofed on that for a few seconds.
Howard read some e-mail about Paris Hilton that they've gotten lately. A lot of people don't think that she's as hot as Howard thinks she is. Howard read through a bunch of other e-mail and talked about his friend Marco Battaglia who was signed to the Carolina Panthers. There were a bunch of e-mails about Josh the Intern who sang a song for Simon Cowell yesterday. Many people thought he was pretty amazing. There were some people who thought he sucked as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there will be a retraction in a newspaper for the article that was written about Howard's ratings up in Burlington, Vermont. In the article they claimed that Howard was beaten in the ratings by this guy The Coach but Howard read the ratings from the area and they don't beat him. The caller wanted to come in next week for the $20,000 contest but Howard said they've cut that off already. He gave him a $500 prize instead.
Howard read some mail about the Lawrence Taylor interview yesterday. There were a bunch of people who thought Robin ruined the interview when she interrupted Howard and LT the whole time. Artie thought that she was great during that interview when she brought up how he was begging for whores down in Atlantic City.
Howard said one guy asked him to replay Crazy Alice's voice mail message one more time. Howard played the voice mail where she calls him and Robin names and says ''Areva derci Kike.'' He also played a message from the angry guy, Hate Man, who leaves messages for Robin all the time. He went off on the Christmas tree lighting in one call. He also went off on Robin and yelled out some racist stuff about her. He had a few other calls from the guy that he played as well. He went off on everything from John Ritter to Thanksgiving. He also played one from a woman who was getting off when she left the message. He had to take a break right after that one.
Howard said he was thinking of talking about Don Imus' daughter and a story he knew about her. Imus has been bad mouthing Howard lately and he's thinking of telling some stories about him. He told Gary that he wants him to get Imus on the phone to talk to him. He said he wants Imus to apologize to him within 24 hours or he will tell a story about him and his daughter, a story about a baby and the Al Rosenberg story. He claims the stuff he knows about Imus could sink him. While he waited for Gary to get Imus on the line he goofed on Imus about how he thinks that Mel (Karmazin) likes him because he let him induct him into a radio hall of fame. Stuttering John came in and said that Gary was on the line with his producer but Imus wasn't picking up. Howard said Imus could finally get on the air where people will hear him if he comes on his show.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that Meg Griffin must be in mourning today. She was trying to save The Bottom Line club but now they're being evicted and have to be out in 5 days. Howard read a letter from Meg about how the club is being evicted even though they came up with money to cover their rent. Stuttering John interrupted again and said that Gary was still on hold but Imus was just doing news and wasn't taking the call. KC came in and said that he'd be on in less than a minute. He was on about 10 seconds later. Imus was on for about another 10 seconds. Howard said he was going to talk about Imus' daughter and someone named Linden. Imus just told Howard to shut up and put him on hold as he went to commercial break. Howard knew that he wasn't going to confront him. He said that he shouldn't even start with him. Howard said that he's forgotten what happened in his life and how he knows stuff about him. He said that he's probably crapping his Depends now. Howard and the guys thought it was funny how he just said ''Why don't you just shut up...'' and hung up on him. Howard said that Imus claimed that Howard's girlfriend has herpes so he might just take him to court and sue him. He said he'll take him on any way he wants and he won't make up stuff. He said he'll just tell the truth.
Howard said he'll get Al Rosenberg on the phone to talk about his experiences with Imus. He said that he should just drop the whole gym thing because he's dealing with a maniac now. Howard said he should go back into the hole he lives in and drop the whole thing. He said he'll hunt him down and bite his leg off like a shark. He put the word out that he will crush him if he doesn't stop talking about him. He's going to run from him day and night just like he did with the phone call.
A listener called in and gave out the address where Imus picks up coffee every morning. He said he caught up to Imus' limo and hocked a lugie on the car after seeing him there. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he saw Imus waving his arms as he took the call. Howard said he can't even imagine how hard it's going to be if he doesn't stop. He wants a phone call and an apology or he's going to go off on him. The caller said Imus was talking about how easy it is to upset Howard. Howard said that's right and when he goes off on someone, he hits hard. He said that the VH-1 special where they talked about how ugly he was, is off the air now because of his complaints. Howard continued to go off on him for a few minutes but wanted to get off of that because he had Staind coming in soon.
Howard wanted to get Ken Baker from Us Weekly on the line first. He said that Ken was going to talk about Trista and her fiance Ryan. Ken interviewed the two of them together and Ryan talked about how Trista doesn't like to have sex much. Howard reminded everyone that she hasn't had an orgasm which she revealed on his show. Howard wondered what's wrong with the guy that he's going to marry this chick who isn't going to give him much in the way of sex. Ken said you kind of feel sorry for him but he is going to make a million bucks for doing this. Ken said that they're already fighting about this stuff and they're not even married yet. Howard wondered if they have to stay married for a certain amount of time before they get the money. Ken said they're no really sure about that but it could be up to a year or so.
Ken told Howard that he had an update about Paris Hilton for him. He said that she's managed to bury the second tape so well that people probably will never get to see it. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Ken before getting off the line. Ken said that they have pictures of Britney in a bikini in this week's issue. He said that she's kind of chubby in the pictures so Howard won't be happy. Howard said he sees her in magazine pictures and she looks amazing so it must be all air brushing. He said air brushing used to be for removing a zit, now they change the whole body. Ken said that she sun bathes topless with her brother which is kind of weird. Ken said her brother is the one who helps her put her top back on.
After getting off the line with Ken Howard moved on to the Karaoke contest. Howard asked Aaron what he was going to do while the singing was going on. He said he might help out with some backup singing. People were able to vote via e-mail. Stuttering John was joking around with the guys telling them how to play. He said he really doesn't need any backup singing though.
Howard said that he wanted Tom to go first. Tom said he knows he's bad and can't hold a note. Howard said Tom can choose who goes next and everyone else will do the same. Tom got up with suit and tie still all tight, and performed his song which was ''Let it Be'' by The Beatles. The sound was all off so the music was coming through on the air but Tom's voice didn't come through. Howard was pissed at Scott the Engineer as usual. They tried to get everything fixed but they did it while they were on the air. Howard was pissed and couldn't believe this was happening. He said he knows he's being goofed on by God. He said he was ready to cry and was sick of working there. He wondered why it was a shock that the equipment wasn't working. Howard said it's amazing he gets ratings working in a dump like that. He took a break so they could try to fix the problems.
Robin got up and performed ''If It Makes You Happy.'' Howard let her go on a little longer than Tom. Everyone was laughing as she hit the high notes. Howard said he didn't think she was that bad. She said she never wants to hear that clip on the air again though. She picked KC to go next.
A listener called in and said the sound is horrible. All of the sound is low so Scott said he tried to get them to raise up the volume a little bit. Howard had KC get to his song. He was performing ''Round Here'' by the Counting Crows. He was yelling it out like he does best. Howard had to cut him off because it was so bad. He wasn't even trying to sing according to Howard and the other guys. KC said that's the way he sings though. KC picked Scott the Engineer to go next.
Scott the Engineer sang ''A Little Help from my Friends.'' It was pretty bad but Howard and the guys wanted a little more. They let him go on a few seconds longer. Howard took a few phone calls and let some people complain about the bad singers. Scott picked Artie to go next.
Artie did his Bruce Springsteen impression and did a short speech before performing his song... just like Bruce does. He then sang ''Glory Days.'' He was actually pretty good. Howard said he'll probably win. He picked Stuttering John to go next.
Howard took some more phone calls and a woman called in an said she liked Artie's performance. Vinnie Favale called in and said it was awful. Howard moved on and had Stuttering John perform ''Feel Like Makin' Love.'' John had some help from the band singing backup. No one was impressed with John's singing and he had a record deal at one point... actually two records! Howard took a few more calls and let some people give their opinions about the singing. John picked Gary to go next. A woman called in and said John's song was making her vomit. She made some sound effects to back that up.
Gary got up and performed ''Fly Like an Eagle.'' You could hear some laughter in the background as he started to sing. He probably didn't have a chance of winning. Sal the Stockbroker called in and said that he should have been singing ''Swing like a Monkey'' instead of ''Fly like an eagle.'' Gary picked Fred to go next.
Fred performed ''Smells like Teen Spirit.'' Howard told him this was his chance to shine since he hardly speaks on the show. Staind covered the song great. Fred's performance wasn't that bad either. He even smashed the microphone down. The band said they were waiting for him to jump into the drum set. Stuttering John said he had a Joe Cocker facial expression on his face during the song. A few callers said that Gary's performance was pretty funny. Howard was the last person left.
Howard got up with the band and performed The Beatles ''Blackbird.'' He explained the origins of the song and then performed it as well as he's performed any song in the past. Howard wondered where the band was. They didn't back him up and said there's no where to come in on it. Howard had them try it again the way it should have been. Aaron helped him out a bit and made it a little less horrible. Robin said you had to take his first performance if you were voting. KC said he wanted to go again but wanted Aaron to sing.
Howard took a break after that and said the band was going to play after the break. He also had to straighten out the voting since he wasn't sure if people voted on HowardStern.com or e-mailed them. It turned out people had to vote via e-mail. Howard also gave out Staind's web site Staind.com where you can find out tour dates.
Stuttering John said that he heard that Scott's wife called in when Simon Cowell was in and asked Scott to give him one of their son's bands. Scott said he didn't do that but did give it to Staind. Howard doesn't want him doing that anymore.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said Howard came off very good when he performed his song. She said she loves him and screeched out some other nice things about him. A couple of other callers had some things to say about the performances. One guy said that Fred was really good.
Howard gave the band a plug for their album and said they were going to perform a real song for them. They went on to perform ''So Far Away'' from their album ''14 Shades of Grey.'' Howard said ''You guys win'' after they were done. He said he wished that he could do that stuff. He asked them if they ever get sick of doing that stuff. They said they really love doing it. Aaron said he doesn't think they have as much fun as Howard does. Howard said they don't get up early in the morning though. Howard said he might get up on stage Saturday night and jam with them.
Howard said he heard that the guys hate the band The Darkness. They said they don't hate them, they just don't get the whole thing. They're not doing a parody of a band, they're serious about what they're doing.
Howard said he was going to predict that Artie was going to win over Fred. Howard took credit for telling Artie to do the Springsteen intro. Gary came in and said that Artie won with 54 percent of the vote. Second place was Fred with 25 percent of the vote. Howard came in third with 9 percent of the vote. Robin came in with 6 percent. Tom C and Gary both had a few percent. Gary said the surprising number was the last place losers who all had zero votes. They were KC, Scott and Stuttering John. Gary said John told him he figured his wife would have at least voted for him. Howard took another break after that.
Wendy the Retard called in. She was on her way to a retard bowling contest. Howard asked her if she would dedicate a trophy to him if she wins. She said she would so Howard asked her what she would say if she won. She said it would go out to her ''rapist boyfriend'' Howard Stern. She said she has to beat 8 other people and she has 9 on her team. Howard wondered if there's a retarded ESPN that can cover the bowling. He suggested that they send out a crew to cover it instead. He told KC to get on that. KC said he had a woman who wanted to come in and make out with Wendy but Wendy didn't want to do it. Wendy said she does want to do it though. KC said it may have been her mother that said no. He also said that she thinks she's coming in to square dance but they're playing Hollywood Squares with them so she was a little confused.
Howard asked Wendy when this ''Retarded Tournament'' takes place. She knew the time but didn't give a date. Howard asked her a few other questions like what a perfect score is. She said she had a few games where she bowled a 314. She said her average was a 94.
Howard asked Wendy if any of the other retards crap their pants while they're bowling. She said they do but she also said that some of them try to eat their bowling ball. Wendy said that she wants to hook up with someone named Billy. She also said they have one of those Tard Carts that will take them to the bowling alley. Artie was doing his ''Hey Retard'' bit while Howard was talking to Wendy. Howard ended up giving Wendy $500 courtesy of ''Bad Santa.'' He asked her what she was going to buy with that money. She said she's going to buy a big stereo system. She sang a little bit for Howard but he had to hang up on her and get to the news since it was 10:40 in the morning.
Howard said they had a lot going on today. He said they'll be doing the football picks, giving away a trip to the AVN awards, playing the Gossip Game and talking to Sharon Osbourne about cheating on Ozzy and more. Big Black called in with tape of Sharon talking about that on her own show yesterday. He played the tape and Sharon talks about having sex with this guy Randy Rhodes. She claims she and Ozzy were't married at the time but they were together. Howard said she was with Ozzy in a relationship. He went on to talk about how the whole family is very honest and there was probably tremendous pressure to write this book that all of this stuff came out in. He talked about some of the other wacky stuff the family has done on their TV show and how they had to come up with even more to fill the book. He said that there's nothing worse than what she did to Ozzy. Howard talked about that on the air the other day and said that she should have kept something like that quiet but he likes that she's calling in to talk about it on the air. He talked about how she was a big fatso back then so it was amazing that she was able to get both Ozzy and Randy.
Big Black also said that Kid Rock bad mouthed Howard on Carson Daly's show the other day. Big Black thought he was doing it in a negative way but Howard said it was like he was just joking around when he said he was being a ''little bitch.'' He figured Big Black was just trying to get him riled up. Big Black asked Robin to sing another verse of the Sheryl Crow song she sang yesterday. That led to Howard taking a phone call from a woman who said she loved that show yesterday and listened to it twice. Howard played her performance of ''If it Makes You Happy'' and laughed as she screeched out the song. Robin goofed on Howard's cover of ''Blackbird.'' She was pissed that he was playing that crap again. Howard said he'll be playing it a lot more in the future. Howard played it a second time about 30 seconds later. Robin said she hopes Howard's fingers rot so he can't push that button again to replay it. He cut the song off and said he'd replay the whole thing later in the show.
Howard said he got more hate mail than Robin did. She was claiming that she could sing ''Blackbird'' better than she did the other song. Robin said she hates the fact that she can't sing. She said that it brings her physical pain knowing that she's unable to sing.
A listener called in and said that the Wendy the Retard call was great yesterday. Howard wondered if anyone sent out a camera crew to cover that bowling tournament that she was involved with. The caller also asked Howard if he could replay Artie's karaoke version of Bruce Springsteen's ''Glory Days.'' Howard said that was blowing his load because he was going to play them later in the show. He played it anyway. Howard thought it was a pretty great impression of Bruce he was doing in that song. Howard said he'd replay the rest of the songs at around 7-7:30 this morning.
A phone caller asked Howard for a $500 prize so Howard gave one to him courtesy of ''Bad Santa'' the movie. That led to Howard talking about Billy Bob Thornton who canceled his appearance on the show recently. Howard said that he's a big baby and talked about how he was booked to do the show but then canceled. Howard said he loved the movie and talked about it on the air. When he mentioned that Billy Bob was ''repulsive'' in the movie, his people canceled his appearance. Howard spent a short time talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Liz Phair thing at the Christmas Tree lighting at Rockefeller Center the other day. The caller was talking to Artie about going to school with someone he knew and a bunch of other stuff while Howard looked for the tape of Liz Phair. He eventually found it and played her screwing up the lyrics to the song she was singing. Howard joked that she should have done ''If it Makes You Happy'' instead. He had to take a break right after that.
Howard took a call from a listener who said that yesterday's show was great with the Imus thing and the Karaoke contest. Howard said there were articles about the whole Imus thing. He said Richard Johnson wrote it up but he's wrong about a lot of the stuff he reports. Howard said that the whole thing started when a caller told him about Imus' workout. Imus got pissed and started bad mouthing Howard's wife and girlfriend. That's when Howard got pissed. Howard went on to talk about how Imus got a lot of ideas from his show and pointed out some of those things. Howard said that he confronted him on the air yesterday but Imus freaked out and hung up within a few seconds. Howard saw the coverage from MSNBC since they cover his show every day. Howard said he watched that and Imus claims that Mel Karmazin likes him better. Howard said that it doesn't matter if Mel likes him better. People like Howard better and that's what counts. He said no one cares about Imus' show anyway. He said that he's waiting for the apology from Imus. He said if Imus doesn't apologize, he's going to tell a story about his daughter on the air. Howard said he hates to damage his daughter on the air but if he has to, then he will. Artie said he was looking forward to an entertaining 10 minute discussion between Howard and Imus but Imus couldn't take it.
Howard was talking about how Imus claims to have more money than he does but it's Rush Limbaugh who seems to have the money. He owns a $24 million house down in Florida. Howard mentioned his drug habit and how he still has money even with that and the house. Robin brought up a story about how Rush's doctor was investigated to find out if Rush was ''doctor shopping'' to get even more drugs. Now Rush is claiming that it's a vendetta. Howard and Robin pointed out that this is the kind of stuff that Rush used to say people shouldn't get away with.
Howard read a little bit from the Richard Johnson article about his fight with Imus. He said there was no fight with Imus because Imus hung up on him immediately. He took a couple of phone calls after that and one guy asked him if he's ever been with a ''real nympho.'' Howard wasn't sure what a real nympho was. He and Artie talked about that for a short time. Artie said he figures that just about every woman he's been with had to have been a nympho because they were sleeping with him. He said he thinks they all had some kind of sexual problems.
The caller Howard had on the line asked Howard to bring back some old bits that he used to do. He used to do a Genius/Not Genius thing where people would give names and Howard would say whether or not they were genius. They went through a few names after that. Here are a few of them and Howard's opinion:
Benjy showed up around 7am. Howard played tape of Jason calling Benjy at home. He was still asleep when the call came through so Jason told him that Howard was flipping out. Benjy said he'd be right there and hung up on him before he got an answer about him being late. Benjy claimed that his sofa bed collapsed and something about not being on the right side of the bed for the alarm to go off. Howard ended up talking about Benjy's bad skin. Benjy claims that it's just dry skin but Gary said it was more than that and it looked really horrible. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
He gave a quick rundown of the standings and got Daniel Carver on the line. He talked to him about an article he read about a KKK initiation where a guy ended up getting accidentally shot and killed. Howard said he wanted to ask Daniel about that but Daniel said he didn't know anything about that. He didn't hear the story but said that there are different initiations for the Klan so he knows nothing. Daniel said he doesn't approve of those other initiations like that though. Daniel said that it could have been a phony chapter of the Klan that was doing that. Robin wondered if there's a central location for Klan members to join or something. Daniel said that there are ways to find out how to get in but you need to do some research or know someone to get you in. They spent a few minutes talking about the whole Klan thing and how that works. Howard then asked Daniel to make his pick for the week. Daniel is taking the Atlanta ''Falcoons'' this week. Howard and Daniel spent a short time talking about that pick and why Daniel is taking them.
Sanders the Chicken was up next. The chicken pecked his pick on the floor and took the Buffalo Bills. Howard thought that was a pretty good pick for the chicken. Next up was Gary the Retard who was on the phone. Gary, who always takes Seattle, went with the same team again. He won one last week so he's sticking with them. Artie was laughing as Gary made his pick so Gary told him to shut up. Howard told Gary that Seattle is the underdog is in the game but he doesn't know what that means. Howard told him it's the opposite of an overdog.
Artie was goofing on Gary the Retard a little bit before making his pick. He decided to go with the NY Giants because they've been playing so horribly lately. He said it's time for them to win and this is the week that they'll do it. Here are this week's picks and the standings so far:
KC said that Gary the Retard is upset with him because he told him he may have to share a square with Wendy the Retard for an upcoming game of Howiewood Squares. He apparently doesn't like Wendy and doesn't want to share it with her. Artie said that the ''Retarded square'' Howard wants should actually be a triangle. KC also said that there was a guy from the Seattle Seahawks who called in wanting to talk to Gary the Retard. This guy Dave is the director of customer relations with the team and wanted to send Gary some authentic Seahawk merchandise. Gary said ''yes, do it!'' Howard asked him what size he wears. He said he wears a medium size shirt and a 32-30 size pants. Howard asked Dave if they could have Gary make a pass at a game or something. Dave said they'd love to have him come to a game if he's in the area. Artie told Howard they should send Gary to a high school game, he wouldn't know the difference. Howard said he could send him to a baseball game and he wouldn't know the difference. Howard had to take a break right after that.
Howard brought up yesterday's karaoke contest and how Artie won. It was on kind of late in the day yesterday so Howard replayed some of that. He played Tom Chiusano's song and then Robin's funny cover of Sheryl Crow's ''If it Makes You Happy.'' There's no way to describe the sound that comes from Robin when she sings the ''If it makes you happy'' part. Howard said something about it sounding like she stepped on a cat during the song. Next up was KC's ''Round Here.'' After playing that Howard brought up KC's poster (KCPoster.com) and how gay the pose is. Stuttering John came in and said he wonders if KC's father would be happy with that poster. Howard said he wouldn't be happy because it's so gay. KC said that they did a second printing yesterday for the poster because they can't print enough of them. He said they're selling like crazy. Gary said they have a picture of the poster going in and out of a stocking on the web site and it looks very gay.
Howard played Scott the Engineer's karaoke version of ''A Little Help From My Friends'' and goofed on that a little bit. Robin also brought up how Scott gave Staind his son's band's CD. Howard said that has to stop. He then played Artie's winning version of Bruce Springsteen's ''Glory Days.'' Howard said he really was good during that song. Artie won the contest with 54 percent of the vote. The rest of it was split between Howard, Fred, Robin and Gary. Stuttering John got zero votes. Howard played his cover of ''Fell Like Makin Love.'' John sounded like he was cringing as he heard his own song. Howard told him he sucks. John said he hasn't sang in 5 years and it was early in the morning. He said he shouldn't sing a song like that ever again.
A listener called in and said he wanted to hear Tom's song again. Howard didn't play it again, he played Gary's version of ''Fly Like an Eagle'' and laughed even harder hearing it today than he did yesterday. John asked Howard who he thinks is the worst so far. Howard said that he thinks his own song is the worst. John said he wants to hear KC try to really sing because he wasn't doing that yesterday. Howard said they'll be doing this again sometime in the future. He went on to play Fred's cover of ''Smells Like Teen Spirit.'' Stuttering John said the live version sounded better than the recorded version. He also pointed out that Artie was the only one who was actually in key.
A listener called in and said that he thought John's song wasn't that bad. He thought that if John practiced a little bit it would have been good. Another caller thought Fred's song was really good as well. Howard took a couple more calls and someone pointed out how good Staind was playing for their karaoke contest. Howard gave the band a plug for the show they're in tomorrow night in New York City. Howard said he ran out of time to play his song but Robin talked him into playing it. He thought it was horrible and didn't want to play it. He did play it and it was pretty bad. Stuttering John was laughing his ass off as he heard it. Howard promised that he's going to do better the next time. Tom Chiusano came in and said he's going to perform Pearl Jam's ''Jeremy'' in the next contest. Tom also said he loved that Stuttering John didn't get any votes. Tom goofed on John for not getting any votes for a few seconds. Howard said they're still going to be bad next time but they'll try a little harder.
A listener called in and said he can't believe John had a record deal at one time. He said he couldn't carry a tune if it was in a bucket. Howard said he had to take another break after that. He mentioned the other stuff they had coming up on the show today before going to break. They talked about the Sharon Osbourne thing for a little bit. He also played Staind's version of ''So Far Away'' that they did after the karaoke contest yesterday. He was also playing some songs from the bands that are playing the concert he's going to tomorrow night. He heard that Blink 182 was going to be playing tonight and not tomorrow night so he asked Gary to have them change it to tomorrow night. Gary said he could probably make that happen. Howard talked about a couple of other things and said he had a lot more to get to. He talked about Paul Fishbein who was coming in.
Howard told Sharon that if his wife told him something like that it would be embarrassing to him. He said she should never have done that. Sharon said she was not married and Ozzy was still married to his wife at the time. Sharon said this was all back in 1980. Howard said that Randy died in 1982 and asked her if she'd had sex with a corpse. She didn't sound like she was in the mood to hear that though. Sharon went on to tell Howard how she and Ozzy were together for about a month and Ozzy's wife didn't know about it at the time. She had to leave his house one night and she went off with Randy. They got drunk and had sex. That was all that happened according to her.
Howard said that Sharon was heavy back then so he was even more impressed that she was able to get guys. He wondered what she's able to do to get guys like that. He wondered if it's oral or anal or what... He said she must have some vagina control or something. He said that Randy could have had any woman he wanted back then and he picked her for some reason. She said she is kind of sorry that she wrote this in her book and didn't want to ever embarrass Ozzy by doing so. She told Robin that she adores Ozzy and could never cheat on someone. She said she was only with him for one month at the time so it wasn't like they were in a serious relationship at the time. She told Howard he was making it sound like she'd slept with the entire English Army. Howard said Ozzy could probably deal with that better than her sleeping with his best friend.
Howard asked Sharon if all of her kids are actually Ozzy's. He and Artie goofed on that for a minute and joked that she'd had Randy killed because her oldest daughter was actually his. She said her oldest is 20 years old and Randy died 23 years ago.
Sharon said she only slept with Randy one time. Howard said he remembers a girl cheating on him with one of his best friends and nothing hurts like that. Howard continued to ask Sharon if she performed oral on Randy. She said that they just had regular sex. She also said she kept most of her clothes on when that happened. She said Ozzy is the only one she's slept with with all of her clothes off. She said Randy didn't use a rubber back then because it was the '80's. Howard wanted to know where Randy's ''DNA'' ended up. She said she couldn't remember that far back. Howard asked if he banged her from behind. She said her knickers were down to her ankles and the rest of her clothes were on. Artie asked if he banged her over a drunk Ozzy. Sharon didn't seem to think that was very funny. She told Howard that she was jealous of Ozzy's wife back then and that's why she slept with Randy. Howard said he thinks that's why Ozzy shakes these days. It's all because she told him about sleeping with Randy.
Howard also brought up how Jack is getting laid like crazy. He lost his virginity at 14 and he doesn't even think sex is special anymore because he can get laid so easy. Sharon eventually said that she should have kept her mouth shut about that part of her life. Howard spent a few more minutes with Sharon before getting off the phone. Sharon said that she cares what Howard thinks of her even though she doesn't care about what anyone else thinks. Sharon said the book doesn't come out until January. Howard got off the line a short time later. Howard pulled out the version of ''Pictures of Matchstick Men'' that Ozzy did with Type O Negative for his Private Parts soundtrack album. He played a few seconds of that and then moved on to Paul Fishbein.
Howard had the trip to the AVN awards to give away so they had some women there to play a game. He said there were 4 women there to compete. First up was Jennifer who wants to win the trip for her husband. No one even knows what they have to do to win. Next up was Angela and her friend Jen. Angela said that Jen is her and her husband's girlfriend. They all want to go to Vegas. Next up was Ellen. She said she would like to win the trip for herself.
Howard said they may all back out when they hear what they have to do. Howard mentioned the Wheel of Benjy to them. Only porn stars have played so far. Most women are too afraid to get naked and have Benjy do something to them. One woman backed out immediately. That was Ellen, Jen also backed out when Howard told her she'd have to get completely naked. Howard read the Wheel of Benjy options which included:
Howard said he had to take a break but brought up the AVN awards and how the public is able to go. You can find out more about booking a trip at AVN Awards.com. He also gave Cherry a plug for her web site Cherry Rain Productions.com. He took a break right after that before moving on to the Wheel of Benjy.
Jennifer spun the wheel and it landed on her worst nightmare... ''Let Benjy put his toe in any orifice he wants.'' Benjy asked her what her last meal was. She said it was a burrito so he said she knows where it's going. Howard wanted to bring in her husband but she didn't want that to happen. She started to strip down and Howard said she has nice breasts. KC yelled out ''Nice bags!''
Benjy put on his toe condom and lubed it up with some K-Y jelly. Jennifer said she's had anal a couple of times but never a toe. Gary told Howard that Benjy's whole left sack was hanging out of his underwear and he didn't seem to care. A short time later he shoved his toe in her butt and joked that he thought he might be stuck. Jennifer won the trip to Vegas after going through that. Benjy said she's cute back there. Robin said she can't believe that she was ready to cry earlier when Howard replayed her karaoke tape... That was nothing compared to this.
Howard had Jennifer put her clothes back on and asked Paul and Cherry if they've ever seen anything like this. They haven't and they're in the porn business. Howard had Angela come up to spin the wheel next. Howard said that maybe the trip isn't worth all of this. She went ahead and spun the wheel. It landed on the toe thing again. Angela said she thought the wheel was rigged. Howard swears they don't though. Benjy got to choose the orifice and he picked her nostril. Gary said that's a good thing because she told him she has her period now. Howard said that would have been great. Angela got naked while Benjy put the condom on her nose. He lubed up the condom with K-Y because the nose was tighter than anywhere. He then shoved his toe in her nose. It wasn't fitting very well though. Everyone was disgusted by the sight of it.
Howard told the girls that they were brave to have gone through that. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to them about the trip they'd just won. He gave Paul a couple more plugs for AVN and then went to commercial break.
Howard and Robin talked about the concert their station is sponsoring tonight and tomorrow night. Howard may go up and introduce Staind or something tomorrow night but he won't be going to tonight's concert. Gary said he's going but doesn't want to introduce Blink 182 by himself. He's probably going to go up with Julie Slater and let her do the yelling and cursing. Howard wanted to play some of the past intros that some of the DJs at the station have done in the past. Stuttering John came in and said that Julie Slater once let the crowd yell ''Stuttering John Sucks!'' for a couple of minutes.
Howard brought up how he liked it better when Paris Hilton didn't have a successful TV show. He said he had her new cell phone number and tried to call it. He was having some trouble dialing it though. Gary had to come over and help him dial. He eventually dialed the number and got her voice mail again. He left her a long message asking her to do an interview with him. He said the best thing for her career would be to do an interview with him that would air on a network TV station. Howard said that he met either her or her sister one time. He said it would be a huge network event. He said it would be the biggest network event of the year. He spent a couple of minutes filling up her message and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard played some tape of Cabbie yelling at a concert their station held one time. He just yells and curses and the crowd seems to love it. Howard said he's going to go out and just say the f-word a bunch of different ways. Artie did his impression of Cabbie yelling all kinds of nonsense at the concert. Someone yelled out ''You suck'' to Cabbie and he yelled back ''That's right, I suck!'' Howard also had tape of DJ Julie Slater cursing like crazy up on stage. She was almost as crazy as Cabbie was. Howard said he might just go out on stage and actually f-someone.
Howard said he likes Julie Slater but she's really quiet when he sees her in the hall at the station. He wondered where she was so he could ask her about her screaming up on stage. Julie came in a short time later to talk about it. She said you don't know how loud it's going to be up on stage and she just ends up screaming even though she doesn't want to. Howard also asked her about the comments that she made when she asked the crowd ''Who the F*** are you?'' She explained it was a joke about the band that had just been up on stage. She also said she was talked to about using the f-word up on stage. Howard said he'd take her up on stage with him at the concert and actually F-her from behind if she wants. She said that would be kind of nice. She said she's introducing P.O.D. on Saturday with Cabbie. Artie said he can't wait to hear that introduction. Howard told Julie he's just going to yell out the f-word. He replayed the Cabbie and Cane introduction that they were having so much fun with.
Tom Chiusano came in and said that Julie did get a little out of hand one year at a concert using the f-word. He said they have a lot of kids there at the concerts so they shouldn't be cursing like that. Stuttering John came in laughing at Tom about his ''casual'' outfits. At the summer concerts he wears shorts and a polo shirt. He goofed on him about that but Tom kept pointing out that John didn't get any votes in the karaoke contest yesterday.
Howard said he's going to show up at the concert wasted. Artie said he really wants to go to the concert but he has to work on Saturday night. Howard wondered what's up with that. Artie said he has to do two comedy shows that night too. It's supposed to snow that day too so it's going to be a mess. Stuttering John said it was already snowing there in the city so Howard wanted to wrap up the show and get out of there. He had Robin get back to her news right after that.