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Howard started the morning talking about the Kansas City Chiefs saying that Artie told him that they're the best team in the NFL at this point. The guys talked about them for a short time and about some other teams.
Howard then moved on to the big $25,000 football pool and said that Daniel Carver has now moved into the lead. Howard gave a quick run down of how everyone is doing in the pool at this point. Artie lost so he's fallen behind Daniel Carver.
Artie said he's been betting on the games so he hasn't been doing so well for the past few weeks. He's been losing like crazy. Gary the Retard won while Sanders the Chicken lost this week. Artie said he thinks that the chicken will end up beating him this year as well. Howard said he knows that Artie spends all week picking these teams so it's a big deal to him. Artie said of course he puts some time into it. He got some suggestions from this guy Vinnie and he still ended up losing. Artie said that he wants to make that really big bet at the end of the season.
Here's how everyone stands at this point:
The caller said that Kid Rock was pretty good and he was there with Pamela Anderson. They said that Tommy Lee is rumored to be with Pink now. Howard said her song was horrible as well. Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel was pretty funny as the host. He said he wasn't dressed very well though. He said that Jimmy was trying to dress cool but it wasn't working for him. He thinks that he should go with what his strengths are and not try to dress the way he was.
Howard took another call about the American Music Awards. The guy brought up how bad Rod Stewart was so they talked about that for a little while. Howard said he's turning into an elf now and he was hard to watch. Another caller brought up Britney Spears again so Howard was wondering why they don't let her come on his show. Artie told him that in a year or so she'll need to sell albums and she'll be begging to come on his show. Howard had to take a break before moving on to the F-Emmys and stuff like that.
John and Robin said that the kids are still young too. Artie said Stuttering John was watching that show as he was getting ready to go to work a gig at the Stress Factory.
Howard said his kids don't like it when he shows up in a limo to pick them up. He said he went to his Aunt Sally's birthday show and his nieces and nephews love the limo. Robin said that the kids on that show get pissed because the money is just given to them.
Howard said that when he was out on Long Island there were a lot of rich kids out there and they'd all goof on each other about the kinds of cars they would drive. Sometimes the cars would be too nice and kids would goof on the others about that. Artie said if he was one of those kids he'd open a landscaping company or something like that, just to get away from the rich kid thing. Howard said they could become a karate instructor but they apparently don't want to do anything like that.
Robin said that the kids want to be the best at whatever it is they're doing. She mentioned Paris Hilton at one point so Howard talked about how he thinks that she's might be kind of happy about everything that's going on surrounding her sex video. That led to Howard bringing up how they had this Playboy model Nicole Lenz on the show a couple of years ago and it's rumored that she's the one in one of the Paris Hilton videos. Howard played the clip they had where she talks about how she had oral performed on her one time with one girl. Howard says that it's possible that it's Paris Hilton she was talking about. Here's an excerpt from my write up that day: One caller told Howard to have the girls kiss before they left. Howard then asked the girls if they ever did any lesbian stuff. A couple of them had so there was renewed interest in talking to them. Nicole said she never did anything to anyone but a woman gave her oral one time. She said she was drunk and partying and she couldn't say no once the woman started on her. She said it wasn't as good as a guy could do so she didn't orgasm.
After playing the clip Howard said they probably could have gotten more out of her but Gary sounded like a pitbull during the interview. He was talking about his pants getting tight and going nuts. Howard said that it could have been her talking about Paris Hilton that day but they're not sure about that.
Howard said Quincy Jones then stood up and said hello as well. Howard said he was more excited to meet him than Naomi. Quincy brought up the tapes that Howard has played of him at some award show where he was drunk and barely making any sense. Howard said Quincy wants a copy of the tape because he thinks he's the funniest thing he's ever done. Howard said the guy has a great sense of humor.
Artie said that he knows Quincy because he produced ''MAD TV'' when he was on it. He said that he was a really good guy and treated him really well when he was having his drug problems. Howard talked about him for a short time and then said that Naomi seemed to have a stick up her ass or something. Howard said he doesn't even recall looking at her when he was there so he's not sure how she looked in person. Howard said Quincy looked pretty good.
Artie said he got to fly on a private jet with Quincy one time but the guy didn't talk to him much. He said he tried to make small talk with one of his daughters instead. He wasn't sure which one it was though. He said she got on her phone and talked to one of her friends for about 4 hours of the 6 hour flight. He said he just ordered more and more food to stay busy. Howard said that's what he should do on a private jet flight like that.
Howard said he took his kids out to John George on Saturday night. He said he didn't go outside much when he was home this weekend. He said that he was on the computer the whole weekend instead. He said he was having fun taking pictures and printing them out.
Howard said he uses good quality photo paper to print out his pictures and they look just like real pictures. He said he has a Canon printer that he uses with the good paper and they come out great. Robin sounded pretty impressed but Howard said it's not all that hard to do.
The pictures he was taking were of his dog Bianca so they ended up talking about her for a little while. Robin wondered what ever happened to that bit they were going to do where Artie was going to race the dog. Howard said they just never did it but the dog would have beaten Artie's ass. Artie insists that he doesn't hate dogs but Howard thought that he did based on what he's said about them before.
Howard took some more phone calls and hung up on a couple of guys because their calls were kind of pointless. One guy said that Rush Limbaugh is supposed to be back on the air today. Howard said that he'll probably pick up right where he left off and not even talk about his rehab once he's back on air.
The same caller asked Howard when the uncensored E! show video is going to be out. Howard said he hoped to have had it out by Christmas but it's not ready yet. He said he doesn't think it matters, they'll put it out when it's ready. Howard and Artie continued to goof on Rush for a short time. Howard said he could make that whole thing great if it was him. He would have the woman who dealt him the drugs on to talk about all of that. Artie did his impression of Rush for a short time and goofed on the whole situation until Howard went to another commercial break.
Howard said that Alyssa Milano has never been on the show but Robin corrected him and said that she was on many years ago when she stopped by during an awards show they were at. Robin also brought up how Jillian Barberi from Good Day Live dyed her hair so she could be on Hollywood Squares during Blonde Week. Howard said she's like Paris Hilton in the way she loves to be on camera.
Howard said that he got a note from Angie Everhart who told him that she's going to be on Hollywood Squares soon. Howard came up with some ideas for special weeks they could do on that show if they were producing it. Howard moved on to play a few more clips from various news programs where his name was mentioned. He had a few quick mentions from various shows. One of them was from a very boring PBS show so Howard bailed out on that one and moved right into the F-Emmy Awards.
Howard moved on to the first category today which was ''Best Phony Phone Call to a TV Host.'' He said that all of the calls were made by Captain Janks so they had to pick the winner from the victims. First up was Janks' call to an L.A. news team during the fires out in California. Janks called as ''Mark Mercer'' (Janks doing an odd tribute to me) during this call. The second nominee was the show Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain when Janks called in and asked him if he'd like Howard Stern's ball sack. The third nominee was a sports show where Janks called in and asked them if they like Howard Stern's balls and asked if they sucked dick in a second call and then said ''F-you'' in a third call. Next up was Dan Patrick who took a call from Janks who called in as Steve Bartman, the guy who screwed up the Cubs game, and asked him if he likes Howard's butt cheese. Finally, Dan Rather was pranked by Janks during the Space Shuttle disaster. Janks called in claiming to have debris from the crash. He then says that it may be one of Baba Booey's teeth.
Howard opened the envelope and said that Dan Patrick was the winner. He was on the line with Captain Janks. Howard wondered if it was really Dan Patrick. He said he couldn't prove it, he'd have to take Artie's word for it. Artie said that's really him. Dan wondered why Janks would do something like that to someone who likes the show. Janks said that he loves Sports Center and thought that they would be the best place to make that call to. Janks said it was tough to get through to that show but he had spoken to Steve Bartman and had a lot of information to get through to them.
Howard told Dan that Janks put a lot of time and effort into that call. Dan said that they have changed the screening system over there since that call. Howard wondered if anyone gets in trouble when something like that happens. Dan said that nothing like that happens. Dan told Janks that he did a good job when he made that prank call because he had him convinced that it was Steve Bartman.
Janks said that Sports Center is off limits to him from now on. Dan said he really wanted to crawl under the desk when that call happened. He said he had to do another 45 minutes worth of show after that and it was tough.
Howard told Dan that the F-Emmy is a guy banging a chick that's animated and they will send him one in the mail. Dan made a quick acceptance speech and told Howard that he's a fan of his. Captain Janks also made a quick speech and got in a plug for his web site CaptainJanks.tk. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he was watching a TV commercial the other day for this thing called WebEx.com and he got sucked in so much he was testing it out on their demo page. He said the technology was pretty cool and he couldn't believe he got sucked into doing something from watching a commercial.
Howard said that he got this article from Cabbie (all mentions of Cabbie's name in Master Tape Theatre have been edited out) about John Travolta's Florida home and how he had a runway installed on his property so he can park his 707 jet near his home. Howard wasn't sure if it was a true story or not but Gary told him they found another story out of a Indianapolis newspaper that pretty much confirmed it.
Howard said he's never going to bad mouth Travolta again because anyone who can have a life like that is pretty amazing. Howard said he feels like a failure next to Travolta after reading the story. There's a picture in the article where they show the plane in his yard.
Howard and the guys talked about how Travolta could have made that much money in his career. Robin said he's always owned planes and has had a lavish lifestyle and no one knows how he managed to do that.
A listener called in to tell Howard about Travolta's home and how all of his neighbors have similar set ups down there. Howard wondered if he moved there just so he could do that. He said that he could live somewhere in L.A. ten minutes from the airport but he has to live at this place so he can park his plane in his yard. Howard wondered why it's so important to him to have the plane in his yard. He talked about how much it must cost him in fuel when he wants to fly. He said to fill up a smaller Gulfstream probably costs $30,000.
Howard said he went out to a stationary store and bought a $100 Mont Blanc pen over the weekend and he felt like he was being kind of extravagant. Another caller told Howard that there are quite a few communities down there that have fly-in fly-out homes. Howard said he wants to interview Travolta just about that subject. He said he wants to know how he makes that kind of money. Howard said he has to start making more movies so he can have that kind of money.
The following segment was edited out of Master Tape Theatre. Erasing history... Chaunce Hayden called in and said that there's a big story in the NY Post about how strip clubs might be shut down in New York. Howard said he read the story he was talking about and said that Chaunce wasn't getting it and he was wrong about them being closed down. Chaunce said that the clubs aren't going to be able to call the strippers independent contractors anymore so they're going to have to shut down. Howard said that doesn't mean anything and hung up on him a short time later. Howard also told Robin that Chaunce does not have cancer like he thought he might. He said he went to the doctor and found out there is no cancer where they thought there was.
Howard said there was an article in a Las Vegas newspaper where they talked about how a Spanish radio station was beating him. Howard said that his show doesn't compete against Spanish speaking audiences so it wasn't really a relevant article. He seemed to think that they just wanted to bash him any way they could so that's how they went about doing it.
Howard talked about how his station is holding their big yearly Clause Fest concert on December 5th and 6th. He said he's going to try and go at least one night. Robin said she's not sure she's going to be going either. Howard ended up back on the John Travolta thing for a few seconds before getting back to the F-Emmys.
First up was Gary vs. Howard over a news article that Gary gave Howard. Next up was Howard vs. Robin over the outcome of the Nearlywed Game. The third nominee was Howard vs. Fred. Howard got pissed at Fred when he didn't tell him he had a tape he was waiting for. After playing that tape Howard said that was a typical Fred thing to do because he never volunteers information. He said Fred drives him crazy with that stuff. They brought up this time that Benjy was late and Fred never told him about that.
Artie eventually told Howard about it but that was only after Ronnie told him. Howard got back to the next nominee which was Howard vs. John over the fact that John took an extra week off to do ''I'm a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here!'' Howard ended up getting upset about that whole thing again as well. He said John was only supposed to take 2 weeks off but ended up being out for 3 weeks.
Howard played the next nominees which were Robin vs. John over the Heineken trip to Amsterdam. Robin was nominated again after that. It was Robin vs. Gary over how Gary doesn't wait for his turn to talk to Howard during commercial breaks. The final nominee was Stuttering John vs. Chuck Roast (program director) after John was fired on the air.
Howard opened the envelope and found the winner was Stuttering John vs. Chuck Roast. Howard asked where Chuck Roast was because he doesn't usually get in that early. Howard asked John what the ''silver lining'' was that Chuck mentioned during that argument. John said he's still getting paid until the end of the year. John got in a couple of plugs for some comedy shows he's doing in the next couple of weeks. He thanked the owners of Zanies in Vernon Hills where he'll be appearing this weekend. (Check StutteringJohn.com for more show dates.)
Howard opened the envelope and said that Nicole the nutty icon list chick was the winner. She wasn't on the line to accept the award but Chuck Norris was on the line to accept for her. Chuck joked that he knows her well. Chuck said that he was in New York recently but didn't manage to get in there when he was there. Chuck said he was only in town for a day or so. Chuck said fans always ask him when he's going to be on again. He said he's still married and he's celebrating his 5th anniversary this month. He's got twin two year olds as well.
Chuck told Howard that he's guest starring on the CBS sitcom ''Yes Dear.'' Howard didn't know much about the show and asked if there were any hot chicks on the show. Chuck said they were nice girls but he wouldn't call them ''hot.'' He told Howard about the part and what he does on the show. He described the show but Howard wondered where the funny parts were. Chuck promised him that it was funny stuff and he does do karate in it.
Howard asked Chuck if he's as rich as John Travolta and has his own plane in his driveway. Chuck said he rents a plane but doesn't own one. He said he's made some good money in his time but he doesn't have that much. Howard said if John Travolta is that rich, the Bee Gees must have an entire airport in their home. Howard read that Chuck also believes that ''the end'' is near for humanity so he asked him about that. Chuck said he doesn't think that's coming soon, but he's working for this Internet Service Provider (Max.com) that's trying to stop pedophiles from getting to people's kids. Howard spoke to him about that for a couple of minutes before wrapping up the call.
Howard said they usually do a song at the F-Emmys each year but this year the song was too complicated so they decided against it. He said Fred picked the hardest song to play for some reason.
Howard said he thinks that Kid Rock's version of ''Feel Like Makin Love'' is great on his album but when he performed it on the American Music Awards, it didn't sound so good. He played the CD version of the song and talked about how hot the drummer in his band is.
Howard then talked about this Hillary Duff chick and how disgusted he was with her birthday special on TV the other night. He and the guys talked about her for a couple of minutes. Howard played a clip of her performance from the American Music Awards and said that she was rocking harder than Kid Rock was... but the song was horrible.
Howard had some other clips from the awards show and wondered what Robin wanted to hear. They played some of Jimmy Kimmel's monolog. Howard said it was actually pretty good. Jimmy mentioned Jessica Simpson at one point so Howard talked about how hot she is. He said she is the hottest chick he's ever seen. Howard said he would slam her so hard with his salami. He said he'd like to take his salami and put it in her kosher deli. That led to Howard and Artie both talking about what they'd like to do to her. Howard said he'd even do the baby talk that she does with her husband. He also made a comment about banging her in the trunk of a car and then bury her in a shallow grave. Howard said he had to take another break right after that.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that the CD is a let down and what people really want is a DVD of Let it Be. Howard spoke to Vinnie for a minute and said that these conversations are boring to him. He said that Vinnie's house must be like one big iPod with all of the music he has over there. Vinnie claims that he had a bootleg of this album years ago. Howard and the guys ended up goofing on Vinnie again during this conversation. Howard wondered why he doesn't work out instead of listening to the music all the time. Vinnie seems to think he's in pretty good shape though. Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on him before getting off the phone.
There's a bonus CD in the set that features the guys just talking to one another while they warm up. Howard said that it's probably just them yelling at each other. When he started to play it that's basically what it was. Then they broke into song and started singing ''Don't Let Me Down'' which was actually kind of cool to Howard. He said he might listen to it but only for 2 seconds. He said he was already bored after hearing that.
The girl told Robin that she looks good now that she's lost her weight so they spent a minute on that. Robin told her that she used The Master Cleanser diet for that. Robin then came up with something that the girl could play to win the money she wanted. Robin whispered it to Howard and she suggested the Anal Ring Toss game. Howard still wasn't sure about that though. Howard said that he didn't have any money to give away doing something like that so he said he would play the ''Benjy Blows the Shophar'' game and let her play for $500.
Benjy blows this awful instrument to the tune of an AC/DC song and she has to try and guess which song it is. She wasn't a fan of the band but she was able to guess that it was ''Highway to Hell.'' Howard played the real song and Benjy blowing the Shophar along to the song to show how close it was. Howard said the money was courtesy of the AC/DC - Live at Donington DVD that's out now.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to the girl about what she's going to do when she goes to Germany. She said she's going to try and not do anything for 3 days for some reason. She said that she doesn't use a vibrator on the girl, she just gives her oral. Howard didn't find out what her made up name was until the end of the segment. She said that her name was Sally but Howard said there's no black chick named Sally. She ran out a short time later so Howard wrapped up the segment and took a break.
Howard played the audio of Rod performing at the American Music Awards and wondered what the guy is up to. He said that performance was awful and he thinks that he can sing better than that guy. Howard then sang some song that he was making up as he went along. He sang about Robin a bit and said that's much better than Rod Stewart's singing.
Robin got into her news after that and read a story about Christopher Reeve who had a new respirator installed in his diaphragm to help him breathe. She also talked about Gil Scott Harron who performed the song ''Whitey's On The Moon'' which they've played on the show pretty often.
Howard took some calls during the news but kept them pretty short. Robin talked about the movie Elf coming out and doing very well in the theaters that weekend. Scott DePace came in and said that he tried to go see it but it was sold out.
Robin read through a bunch of stories and brought up one story about comic books. That led to Howard talking about his collection that his mother ended up giving away without his permission. He said that she said that no one cared about this ''Supurb-man'' comics that he had. He said he had to correct her and tell her it was Superman. He did his impression of his mom and goofed on her for a short time.
After Robin read through a few more stories Howard wrapped up the show around 10:00am Master Tape Theatre time.
Howard started off the show talking about Rush Limbaugh. He said that he made a big phony announcement about how he wasn't a hypocrite because when he became a drug addict he didn't talk about other people being drug addicts. A listener called in a short time later and confronted Howard about whether or not Howard is more successful than Rush or not. Howard and the caller argued a little bit about that nonsense and Howard claims that even though he has less stations than Rush, he has more listeners and generates more money than Rush's show does. Howard said he doesn't have to defend himself to a guy like that. He quickly got back to the Rush stuff and played the audio he had from his show. As he started to do that the same caller called in and confronted Howard again. This time it was about the books that Howard put out. The caller claims that Rush sold more books than Howard the year that his book came out. Howard told the guy that he's very happy with his career and went on to explain to him how his show makes more money than Rush. Howard told the guy that Rush might be on a lot of stations but he doesn't pull the ratings that he does. The caller eventually told Howard that he thinks he's the man but he just didn't think that he was willing to admit that Rush had a successful career. The caller changed his tune and started talking about how scary Rush looks compared to Howard. They're both close in age but Howard seems to be holding up better than Rush according to the guy. Howard gave the guy a nick name of schizophrenic man since he was jumping all over the place with his thoughts.
Howard took another call a short time later from a woman who wanted that annoying guy off the air. He had to take a break before getting back to the Rush clips. He had plenty of other stuff to get to as well. They only had 4 more F-Emmy Award categories left to get to.
Howard got back to Rush Limbaugh and talked about how he's still blaming his back pain for the drug use. Howard said that if he'd just gone to Dr. John Sarno, he could have cured his back pain without drugs. He goofed on him for a couple of minutes until a guy called in and started goofing on Artie. The guy claims that he saw Artie drink 144 ounces of Coca Cola and 8 waffles on Sunday. It turns out the guy was pulling his leg but Stuttering John thought he was telling the truth. John was telling Howard that he went out to eat with Artie yesterday and he was eating quite a bit. Howard had to stop John from talking because he thought he wasn't making any sense. Howard had to explain how J.D. and John made a bet about Artie. Howard told John that he shouldn't be betting J.D. because he doesn't make any money. J.D. came in and said that he hardly bets anything at all but he had to bet John about this thing because he thought he was right. This was all about whether or not George Takei did a Bruce Lee special for HBO or not. John swears that he did do that show but J.D. didn't think there was any way that he would do such a thing. John also told Howard he has to check out Takei's web site (GeorgeTakei.com) because it's pretty funny.
A listener called in and said that Robert Schimmel was on a competing radio station in Phoenix talking about his new TV show that he's developing. The caller said that Bob didn't mention Howard's name in the interview even though he's working on the show with him. Howard said that those guys usually ask people like that not to mention his name because they want to pretend that he doesn't exist.
Howard got back to the Rush Limbaugh tapes he had. He played the opening to his show when he came back to work yesterday. Howard and the guys goofed on him a little bit. Howard didn't like the sound quality of the tape because it was pretty poor quality. Gary came in and said they pulled it from the computer. Howard said there's obviously a problem when they pull stuff from the computer but no one pays attention to that. Gary said that J.D. pulled it off the web. Howard wondered why they don't have a radio there and just tape the stuff instead. Scott the Engineer came in and said he had nothing to do with it. J.D. recorded it himself and it went right through Gary to Howard. Howard suggested that they have an intern tape it from the radio instead of just pulling it from the web. He said he would have taped it himself if he knew this was going to happen. Howard tried to get back to the recording but it was starting to echo which was really annoying to Howard and Robin.
Artie and Howard goofed on Rush while they were playing the crappy quality recording. Rush explains why he was out for 5 weeks and how tough it was to go through this rehab. Artie was doing his impression of Rush while the recording was playing. Howard said he was ready to pull his hair out over the bad quality of the recording though.
Brian from E! came in and said that they took Henry on a tour of the city a few years back and he confessed in the limo that he had killed some people. Henry said that he didn't kill anyone and he was mistaken about that. Howard said that they know that Henry killed some people and he doesn't have to lie to them. Howard said that's the past. Henry told them that he's stopped drinking again. Howard and Henry talked about that stuff for a short time. Henry got in a plug for an appearance he's making this weekend at the Yankee Grill in Ballard, Washington (206) 783-1999. A listener called in and said that there's still a hit out on Henry. He asked him where the appearance was and made it sound like he was going to be there to take Henry out.
KC came in and said that he heard that Henry has to go to jail for 2 years for beating his wife. Henry said he has 2 years probation and served 28 days in jail. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Henry about all of that before he had to take another break. Henry got in another plug for his appearance and then got off the line. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard welcomed everyone to the F-Emmy Awards and said they had a ton of celebrities there in the audience. He joked about John Travolta being there dressed in a pilots outfit and telling people to put on their seat belts. He also pointed out Paris Hilton who was spread eagle on the buffet table. He talked about her many sex tapes and claimed to have seen the one with her and Ed Asner together. He said that Britney Spears was there dressed in her ''Super Poon'' super hero outfit. Chevy Chase was there but when no one recognized him, he gave everyone the finger and left.
Howard said the first category today was ''Best Celebrity Revelation'' and the nominees included Colin Quinn talking about how he let a cat lick peanut butter off his genitals. Fred Durst talking about banging Britney Spears. Colin Quinn talking about his priest spooning him and touching him. The final nominee was Jeremy Shockey saying that he won't play football with gay guys.
Colin Quinn talking about the priest was the winner. Colin was on the phone to accept his award. He said this is the first award he's won. Howard asked Colin if he's still married. He told him that he's still married but not together with the wife. He was only married a couple of months when his wife caught him instant messaging a woman. He said he's not cheating with anyone at this point even though he's not with his wife. Robin said that only one other guy was worse than that. She said Corben Bernsen was worse because he cheated on his wife on his honeymoon.
Howard asked Colin if he was with the other woman the whole time he was with the woman he married. Colin said he was with other women but not that particular one. He was never faithful at all. Howard asked him if he's banging anyone now. He said he's like a monk and he's not with anyone. He said he's not with the woman he was instant messaging. He said they're settling the divorce on their own since they were only married a couple of months. He said he can't make up with her because he can't swear that he won't do that to her again some day. Howard told him that he should just tell her that he just needs to bang some other chicks once in a while. He said he tried that but it didn't work.
Colin said he doesn't know if his wife is seeing anyone at this point. Howard told him this means he shouldn't get married again but Colin didn't seem to agree with that. Howard let him make his acceptance speech a short time later. Colin made a quick speech thanking people for everything. A listener called in and said he saw Colin in a new movie and he was with some hot chick. Colin said that might be his wife but he didn't seem to know for sure. Colin got off the line a few seconds after that.
The winner was Fred and Julie Bowen. Julie was on the line calling in from the set of ''Ed.'' She had a cold so her voice was shot. She said that she's been reading the encyclopedia so she can beat Fred at ''Win Fred's Money'' next time she comes in. Howard figures that she's dieting too much and that's why she doesn't have a voice. Howard and Julie talked about being out one night and how they ran into each other. Howard said Julie is really hyper and couldn't even stick around the table to talk. Howard said that David Spade loved Julie and told him that she was the best woman he ever cheated on. Howard went on to talk about how he tried to hook the two of them back up that night they were out to dinner. It didn't work. Howard said that her voice was sounding better already because he was able to relax her.
Howard said that Julie looked great in the movie ''Joe Somebody'' and that he'd bang her so hard if he had her in bed. Howard said that he goes to MrSkin.com just to see her nipple slip. She said that now her father is going to go there to see if that's true or not.
Howard said he was watching the Britney Spears special last night. Beth was out for the night working so he watched the her. He said she was wearing a shirt and he was hoping that she'd take it off. He said she pulls up her nude stocking to show off her boobs at one point and it was really hot. He said he wanted to bang her after seeing all of that stuff. He said the guys all rubbing on her doesn't turn him on though. He talked about that for a few second and then turned it back over to Julie.
Howard asked Julie what she was wearing. She said she had on jeans and a tank top. She told Howard she doesn't usually wear a bra unless she's working. She went on to make her acceptance speech and thanked Fred for being mean and thanked some other people. Fred made a speech and said that he thought this was a category for best fight with a celebrity and Julie didn't qualify. He goofed on her a little more and made a few other jokes about some of the other guys on the show. Julie hung up right after that.
Ronnie the Limo Driver and Stuttering John got in on the conversation and talked about the Britney Spears special. They both watched it so they talked about how hot she was. Artie was saying that he doesn't think she's as hot as Jessica Simpson or Carmen Electra. Howard played some more clips from the Britney special. Howard said that they could get a better feel for how bad her music is since they couldn't see her.
A listener called in and said that he thought that Julie Bowen was crying when she hung up after Fred said so many mean things to her. Howard and the guys didn't think she was crying but he said he'd check the tape and find out if she was. Another caller got Howard back on the Britney Spears discussion. Stuttering John asked Ronnie if he'd go to a Britney concert. Ronnie said he'd go. Howard thought about it for a few seconds and said that he probably wouldn't go.
Howard said that he thinks that Sheryl Crow is sexier than any of these chicks. Stuttering John didn't seem to agree and said that he thinks Jewel is hotter than her. Howard had to take a break after that quick discussion.
Howard opened the envelope and found that Mickey Rooney was the winner. He had Mickey on the line to accept the award. Mickey was calling in from the airport out in California. Howard told Mickey that he'd just won an award for the interview but he had no idea what Howard was talking about. Mickey thanked Howard for the award anyway. Mickey said he didn't know what he was being awarded but he was honored anyway. He said he's also getting a star on Hollywood Blvd. next April as well. It'll be his fourth. Howard asked him if he's upset that he doesn't have even one star there. Mickey said he's upset about that but didn't sound very sincere. Howard and Mickey talked about the other awards that he's gotten. He got a gold star when he was in World War II. He also told Howard that he backs up whatever our President does in Iraq these days. Mickey said he had to run to the plane a short time after that so Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said he wanted to ask him if he got to bang any German whores when he was serving in WWII.
Howard said he'd love to sit down and interview Mickey about all of the chicks he banged. He said he's a little tiny guy who has banged more chicks in Hollywood... Artie told Howard that Scott Baio might have just as an impressive list of women though. Robin said that Mickey had the top stars of his day though so he might have a better list.
He talked about The Bachelorette Trista and her wedding. He read that they're not going to reveal where the wedding is going to be held but Howard didn't seem to think anyone cares. He said he hates her now and goofed on her for a short time. He got back to the Rush Limbaugh shortly after that. He and Artie continued to goof on him. Dominic Barbara called in and said he guesses that Rush will be back on drugs within 45 days. Howard said he could listen to tape of that guy for hours. He played a little more and continued to make fun of how he was talking but not really saying anything.
Howard read some e-mail that they've gotten lately. He got some negative stuff about how he kisses Jimmy Kimmel's ass for some reason. The writer talked about how unfunny Jimmy was on the American Music Awards. Howard read another e-mail from someone who thinks that KC really needs to seek help about his crazy thoughts. Howard wondered what they're doing keeping KC around. Robin said she's been tip toeing around him trying to keep him happy. Howard ripped through a few other e-mails and then went to break.
Abe Hirschfeld was on the line to accept his award. Howard dicked him around a little bit more. He had him repeating his acceptance speech just like Gilbert did to him. He had him repeating his bad jokes as well but he was getting sick of it so he was going to stop him. He decided to have him change the wording in his joke about President Clinton. He asked him to change the word penis to ''ramalamadingdong.'' Abe went on to tell the horrible joke changing the word. Howard kept interrupting him and had him start over a few times. He asked him to change the President Clinton reference to Nick DiPaolo but he refused to do that for some reason. Abe told another bad joke but Howard cut him off and got off the phone with him.
Howard gave Nick DiPaolo a few plugs for the appearances he has coming up. He also gave him a plug for his web site NickDip.com where you can find out more about the gigs he has coming up soon. Nick told Howard about how he had a really bad case of diarrhea not too long ago and ended up using some socks as toilet paper. He had gone out on a cool down walk after arguing with his wife and came home with no socks. He said he just left the socks where they were so no one would have to clean them. Howard had to take a break before getting to Robin's news.
During the news High Pitch Erik called in and told Nick that he sucks as a comedian. While he was telling Nick that he's funnier than him, Howard told him that he heard that the limo driver that Erik owes money to is going to sue him. Gary came in and said he's not suing him, he's having him arrested. Erik kept saying ''What?'' like he couldn't hear what they were saying. Howard and Gary also told him to stop calling the Nets saying that he works on the show and asking for free tickets. He claims he hasn't been doing that but Gary said that he has. Erik really was having a hard time hearing Gary so Howard told him to call in on a better phone and then hung up on him.
Howard said he was talking to Wayne Segal of Legend Porsche / Audi who went down to Atlantic City to see an Elton John show. He also saw Bon Jovi down there and when he got there, Bon Jovi did all of their hit songs but did them in a new way. He said Wayne told him that the songs all sucked that way though. Howard said Bob Dylan did that years ago and it's a horrible experience. They put out a new album (''This Left Feels Right: Greatest Hits With a Twist'') with the remade songs on it so Howard had Gary bring it in so he could listen to it. While he waited he talked about Britney Spears and her TV special the other night. He said he recorded it on his TiVo so he could go back and watch it again too. He said all of her new songs are horrible. She did one of her hit songs that Howard likes but she ruined it by changing the song. Howard described what she was wearing and how she ruined her new song not doing it the way she originally did it. He said artists don't understand that people want to hear it the original way. Howard said Adam Duritz is coming in soon to perform ''Me And Mr. Jones'' and he said he told him to perform it the original way, not some new way. Howard said Wayne Segal said he was out of the Bon Jovi concert real quick once he heard the new Bon Jovi stuff.
Artie told Howard that when he chugs a Jack and water when he does his stand up act, he does it the same every single time. Gary was unable to find the new Bon Jovi CD so Howard's talk up was a waste of time. He went on to complain that they don't have CDs around for him to play during the show. He ended up complaining about his office and how someone rearranged his furniture. He said that he wants someone to get him a CD but instead, someone rearranged his furniture. He said he doesn't know why that happened. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said it may have been the cleaning lady. He said that she may have dragged them out of the room to clean it but Howard said that can't be the case. He said they were moved across the room. He said stuff like that makes him crazy. He said that he wants to have a new CD rack built in the studio so they can keep all of these CDs around for him to play.
Gary came in and said that they played the CD for Howard a couple of weeks ago and he told them that he didn't want to listen to it so they got rid of it. He said they're downloading the CD as they speak so they'd have it in about 10 minutes. While they waited Gary and KC talked about the furniture being rearranged in his office. They seemed to think he was nuts. Howard said that his hair stylists Toni noticed the change so it's not just him.
A listener called in and said that he thinks that Robin must have gotten that band around her stomach to have lost so much weight. Howard joked that he thought the same thing but then told the guy that she just dieted to lose the weight. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard moved on to play a phony phone call that was made to a news station about the Michael Jackson search warrant. The caller said that Michael was charged with molestation after making children listen to the Howard Stern Show and watch ''Private Parts'' multiple times. Howard thought it sounded a little bit like Sal the Stockbroker but it wasn't him. Howard wasn't sure who it was.
Howard brought up how Christina Aguilera bad mouthed Britney Spears saying that she had to kiss Madonna (at the MTV Music Video Awards) because she can't really sing and needs a gimmick for her performances. Britney shot back on TRL and said that Christina kissed Madonna as well. Britney also used the word ''interpretate'' while she was commenting on the whole thing. Howard said he'd still bang Britney hard if he had the chance.
Howard had tape of a guy from BitterWaitress.com talking about him. He said that he never fails to tip people big time when he goes out so anyone who complains about his tips is lying. He said he left a $200 tip at Nobu the other night when everyone else at the table was leaving $50 tips. He didn't play the tape of the guy though.
Howard played a tape that Sal the Stockbroker made. He took KC's voice and made a whole bit about the Michael Jackson thing. He had KC saying ''Nice!'' and ''I'm Gay'' quite a bit. The bit was pretty funny. You should be able to hear that over at Sal's web site HorseToothJackass.com
Howard had a tape of Artie's mother leaving a message on his answering machine. She was telling him to throw away the hot dogs he had in his refrigerator. She heard him talking about them on the air one day and told him they go bad so he should throw them away. She was going to get him some fresh ones from the German butcher and put them in his freezer. Artie said she used to leave messages for him when he moved out to L.A. and she'd ask him if he got shampoo and stuff like that. Artie said his mother decorated his apartment as well. Howard said he's seen shots of Artie's apartment and it looks like if odd. Stuttering John came in and said that Artie has a lot of wicker furniture in there and there's some other weird stuff hanging on the walls and stuff.
Howard finally got his hands on the Bon Jovi CD ''This Left Feels Right: Greatest Hits With a Twist.'' He repeated the comments he made earlier about how these musicians get bored with their songs and have to change them. He also asked for tape of the Britney Spears performance that he was talking about earlier in the show. He played the original version of her song and described what she was wearing in her special. He then played the clip of her performing the song completely different on the special. He said he fast forwarded on his TiVo when he heard that. Artie said he didn't like either version of her song.
Howard played the new version of Bon Jovi's ''Wanted Dead or Alive'' from their new album and it really did suck. He also played a couple of other tracks from the CD and they ruined all of their songs. Howard said it's just not as good as the original version. He said it has to sound like the original song for him to listen to it. Robin was saying that Howard likes when James Taylor comes in and changes songs around. Howard said he doesn't really change them though, he just performs them acoustically. Howard played Bon Jovi's new version of ''Bad Medicine'' and it was unrecognizable. Robin thought that it was a joke. Wayne Segal called in and said that the concert really was horrible and he couldn't sit through it. Howard went on to say that there's an article in news about Wayne Newton and how he can't even sing but people like him because his act never changes and he makes you feel like you're part of the inner circle. He said that's what Bon Jovi needs to do. Wayne said that a lot of people left during the Bon Jovi concert because of the changes they made. Howard said that there's a lot of distractions down in Atlantic City so an act like that has to keep people interested. Wayne said he sat through an hour of the Bon Jovi concert before he walked out. He said it was like ''Name That Tune'' because the songs were so unrecognizable.
Howard played a few more tracks from the awful Bon Jovi album. He said the guys really just need to stick to the old versions of their songs even if they're sick of performing them. One woman called in and said that one song they did on the album was okay but Howard said he was done talking about it at that point. He goofed on Britney's song instead for a short time.
A listener called in and said the worst band to see is the Black Crowes because they don't do any of their songs the same way twice. Howard agreed and said that he saw them and they were awful. Another caller brought up Rod Stewart at the American Music Awards and how bad that was. Howard played a clip of that horrible performance and wondered what happened to that guy. He joked that Dave Grohl had reworked a Nirvana song and played a version of ''Rape Me'' that was a jazz version of the song. It wasn't really Grohl of course.
Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy told him that he loved going to the Britney Spears concert with his 13 year old daughter because he got to see Britney's ass. Howard and the guy talked about that for a minute before Howard had to take another commercial break.
Howard got an e-mail about the mentions he makes about certain products. The writer thinks that Howard gets paid to mention some of the stuff he talks about like the Canon printer and camera he mentioned earlier in the week. Howard said that stuff is not product placement though. He's not getting paid to talk about it. Howard said he likes printing his own pictures out because that way, he doesn't have to leave his film at some store. Another e-mailer said that the way Fred spoke to Julie Bowen was unnecessary. There were a couple of people who felt the same way and didn't think Fred should have gone off on her the way he did.
Ken Baker from Us Weekly called in to talk about the interview he'd just done with Paris Hilton. Howard continued to talk about Jillian Barberi for a short time before getting to Ken's story. Ken told Howard that Paris wouldn't talk to him because she's apparently upset about what he and Howard did on the air last week. She's mad at both Ken and Howard because of that. Ken said that she thinks that if Howard hadn't talked about the tape, no one would have found out about the sex tape. Ken said that Paris got a bunch of calls from guys who got her number off the web. Howard called her and left her a message as well.
Ken said that it seems like Paris is really upset at Howard for some reason even though it was Ken who called Howard and told him that they had a copy of the video. Howard said that he will do a special with Paris Hilton where they talk about that stuff if they pay them both a million bucks. Ken said that he thinks Paris has enough money though. Howard told him to forget the money, she wants publicity and fame.
Ken told Howard that Paris did an interview with another person from the magazine and she balled her eyes out. Howard and Ken talked about that for a minute. Howard ended up talking about the whole Michael Jackson thing that's going on right now. The families of the 12 and 13 year olds who are now claiming that they were molested, want Jackson arrested. Howard said that these people know that there have been rumors about Jackson for years so the parents should be held responsible. He also said that no parents should be allowing their kids to be around the guy at all.
Howard got back to Paris and asked Ken what was going on with the other sex tapes he's heard about. Ken claims that they're getting their hands on the lesbian sex tape that she made. Ken claims that Simon Rex from MTV was the camera man and it's in full color and shot well unlike the other sex tape that was shot in night vision green. Howard didn't understand how Paris could be pissed at him when Ken has the tapes and has seen them.
Ken said that they acted out this tape and it's like a little porno movie. Howard asked him to give them the plot line of the movie. Ken said that they go out of the room and tape in the casino and stuff like that. Ken didn't describe the video much more than that. He swore that he hadn't seen the lesbo tape. He's just heard about it. He said he wants to see it but hasn't yet. He said he heard that they use ''equipment'' in the video.
Howard heard that Paris is claiming that she's not going to go to parties for a while because of this whole sex tape thing. There are some people saying that she may have wanted the tapes released. Ken said that she's apparently hanging out with her aunt for now. Howard said he heard that she's pretty hot as well. Howard thanked Ken for calling in and let him off the phone.
Captain Janks called in and said that he called into Rush Limbaugh's show yesterday after Howard played the clips of his show. Janks said he got through about 20 times and they got pissed at him. He said Rush got on with him and said that they know who he is and know where he lives. Janks doesn't care because he's just making phone calls. Janks said he's going to dedicate his life to calling Rush's show and ruining him. He said that Rush called him ''Mr. Captain Janks'' when he spoke to him. Janks was doing an impression of Rush that was actually pretty good. Howard played the prank call he played earlier in the show where a guy called in and claimed that Jackson was accused of molestation after making some kids listen to the Howard Stern Show and watch his movie ''Private Parts'' over and over again. Janks missed it so he was hearing it for the first time. Janks thought it was brilliant and asked the guy to give him an e-mail, he'd like to hear from him.
Janks told Howard that he took all of the George Takei one liners and put them on one tape for Howard. Howard wanted to hear that but Janks had to look for it. Howard read a bunch of jokes he's gotten about Jackson. Here are just a few of the many jokes Howard read:
This guy Officer Gilbert called in to complain about Ronnie the Limo Driver. Howard and the crew were down at a NATPE convention a few years ago and he was doing security down there. He said toward the end of the night Howard was talking to some executives and he approached Ronnie and asked if he could get Howard's autograph for him. Ronnie apparently told him ''No, go away.'' Ronnie came in to defend himself and said he would never do that to a cop. Officer Gilbert said that Ronnie checked his ID at that time and still didn't do anything for him. The guy said that he thinks Ronnie needs to go to a body guard boot camp or something to learn how to do the right stuff. Ronnie said that this was six years ago and the guy had a pretty good memory for something that happened that long ago.
Howard moved on to other stuff after that. He said that Monica Lewinsky is fatter than ever. He was reading some stories about her and she's complaining about her sex life. He said she's not getting laid because she's so fat.
Howard said that Carmen Electra is going to have her own reality TV show on MTV about her upcoming wedding and all. He said that they've finally figured out what to do with hot chicks... just give them reality TV shows. That way they don't have to try and act. He said he loves Carmen but the marriage to Dave Navarro is going to be a disaster. He said she's marrying a guy who wears belly shirts and nail polish. He doesn't seem to think it'll work out even though Dave seems like a nice guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he's able to go home after seeing a Britney Spears concert and beat off to her image. Howard said that he really has to do it to someone he knows or someone he has interviewed. He said he can't just do it to someone like that.
Howard said he had to take a break to prepare for Adam Duritz. He ended up talking about how many chicks that guy has banged and how he's moved to New York to live because California was just too much for him. He was about to go to break but ended up talking about the young surfer girl who had her arm bitten off by a shark. He said there was a picture of her in the paper today and it was pretty intense. He said he feels really bad for her. She says she will surf again though. Howard went to break after that.
Howard told Adam about the discussion he had earlier in the morning about Bon Jovi changing all of their songs. Howard told him that bands have to stick to the sound of the song as it was originally released. Adam said that Britney Spears always does them the same way but Howard played the tape from her TV special where she changed the way it sounds. Adam said that he was going to change his song and piss Howard off. He said he was going to do it acoustically which was fine with Howard. He said that's okay, just don't change the song in a negative way.
Howard told Adam that he's going to perform ''Mr. Jones'' the right way and his illness shouldn't affect him. He also talked to Adam about why he moved to New York. Adam said he has a lot of friends there in New York so now he'll be able to visit them more often. He said now he can come visit Howard every day if he wants. Howard wanted to know how Adam made the move from Jennifer Aniston to Courtney Cox. Adam didn't want to get into that stuff though.
Howard said that Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) bad mouthed Adam for some reason. Howard read that Eddie snuck back stage one night and left Adam a book about Coca Cola and the negative effects on children after the Counting Crows did a Coke commercial. Adam said that Eddie marked a chapter for him to read in ''Fast Food Nation'' so that's what he did. Adam didn't seem to think there was all that much wrong with what they said in the book. They talked about how Coke went into a school and offered to give them more money for kids to get better lunches as long as they were offered Coke drinks. He said they're going to drink that stuff anyway so if they're getting more money for lunch, there's nothing wrong with that. Adam told Howard that they didn't even get all that much money for the commercial they did. He thought that they were going to get a bunch of money for that but it didn't happen.
Howard spoke to Adam and the rest of the guys he had with him to perform their song. Adam told Artie that he thought his AC/DC impression was pretty good. They talked about that for a short time. Captain Janks called in and said that he read that Adam used to go out with Melissa Gilbert but Adam said that wasn't true. He said he would have loved to have dated her but it didn't happen.
Howard had Adam go over to his microphone and get ready to perform his song. Adam told Howard that they were going to do it but it was going to be all different. Howard told him it had better be done the right way or he'd kick him out. Adam's voice cracked as he started to sing but Howard told him to keep going, it sounded fine. The band performed ''Mr. Jones'' and it sounded fine even though it wasn't exactly like the album version. Howard told them it was ''beautiful.'' Howard said he got goosebumps twice during the song. Howard said they should win an F-Emmy for that performance. Howard was asking Adam what he was drinking because it was in a blue bottle. He said it was just water but Howard joked that it was Jennifer Aniston's juices. Robin told Adam that the song was great and she liked the changes they made. Howard said that he doesn't like that kind of stuff though.
A listener called in and said he saw the Counting Crows do a version of ''Turn Around Bright Eyes'' that was really good. He asked them to perform it there but they weren't prepared for that. Howard said that their new album has a new track even though it's a greatest hits album. He read some of the lyrics and asked Adam who they were about. Adam wasn't talking though and wasn't giving much up as far as who the song was about.
Vinnie Favale called in and asked Howard what he thought about the Counting Crows slipping in a couple of new songs. Howard thought it was fine but Vinnie seemed to think that it's kind of sneaky and since he's paying for albums per song now, it's kind of a scam. Adam didn't seem to know what he was talking about as far as buying albums song by song. Howard hung up on him and gave Adam and the guys a couple more plugs for their album ''Films About Ghosts'' before going to break.
KC told Howard that the Victoria's Secret special is on but Howard's not going to watch that. They were talking about that a little bit and Howard somehow ended up goofing on Vinnie Favale's love tapes. Vinnie ended up calling in during that to promote the Victoria's Secret thing. He told Howard that there's some good stuff on the show. Ralph called in and said he was there and it was really good. You have to suffer through Sting's performance first but it's worth sticking through it. Ralph told Howard about some of the stuff that was going on at the fashion show and how Tommy Lee and P. Diddy were there talking on their phones the whole time. Howard said he's seen a lot of guys like that when he goes out. Ralph said that the worst thing they do in the show is put wings on the girls. He said that you try to check out their asses and they have those giant wings on. Ralph was there with Ross and he said that Ross knew everyone's names which was kind of creepy. He and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the girls and some of the problems they had. They talked about tattoos and Howard was talking about tattoos and how he's into bad tattoos for some reason. The guys talked about that for a few minutes. Howard told Ralph he had to go do the news so he got him off the line.
Howard said he heard that Wayne Brady sings the news on Fridays. He said he's never seen a whole Wayne Brady Show but he and Robin might have to start watching it. He played the clip of Brady singing the news as the Andrews Sisters. Howard said he could barely make out what he was singing about. When he did figure it out he said that the writing on that show is awful on that show. Howard said he lost him about 3 stories in. Howard wondered how anyone can sit through that stuff. He said the show has to be canceled sometime soon. Robin said she thinks that they lock in the audience so they can't escape. Howard said he may sing the news on Friday just like Wayne. He said he's going to steal that idea from him. He tested it out and sang a line or two about wanting to bang Elizabeth Smart before having Robin start her news.
Journalist Debbie Schlussel (DebbieSchlussel.com) called in to talk about one of the stories that Robin was reading about the Jews being attacked over in France. She gave Howard a few additional details about the story that Robin read. She was very brief in her description and asked Howard if it was short enough. In the past he's asked her to keep her calls short and she seems to be listening to him. He quickly got back to Robin's news after talking to Debbie for a minute or two.
Howard said that Pat Monahan from the band Train was coming in and they had a grand piano in the studio for him to play. He took a call after mentioning that from a person who was supposed to be Michael Jackson's dog. The caller had a little too much to say so Howard bailed out on the call and explained what the woman had done wrong. He took another call and a guy asked him if he'd seen the Victoria's Secret special. Howard said he didn't see the whole thing but he did see a 3 minute clip that Vinnie Favale from CBS gave him. Howard said that was enough and the chicks weren't all that hot. He said he was bored after the 3 minutes. Robin said she saw it and she can't imagine what guy is watching that stuff. Howard said that it wasn't produced very well and they could have told a story there but they didn't even bother to do that. The caller was asking Howard about his girlfriend modeling. She does a lot of modeling but doesn't do runway because she's not a super model. Howard said she pretty much works every day. He said that her picture is in print more than even he knows and he's even passed over pictures of her in the newspaper. The caller was busting Howard's balls calling Beth ''Yoko'' and saying that she's pretended not to know who he is. Howard said that's not true and she knew who he was from the day he met her. Howard hung up on the guy and took another call.
A woman asked Howard if he doesn't watch the Victoria's Secret thing because he's got Beth. He said that's not the case. He doesn't get a good vibe from those chicks and would rather watch Britney Spears dancing around then the Victoria's Secret models. He complained about the models with the accents and how he hates that. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said his L.A. Station sent them tape of Laurence Fishburn getting all bent out of shape while being interviewed by the foreign press. Howard played that tape and Fishburn was cursing up a storm as he explained what kind of ''powers'' movie stars have. Howard went through that for a minute and then moved on to Michael Jackson.
Howard wondered what's going to happen to Michael Jackson when he turns himself in to police since he's got a warrant out for his arrest. Howard said if the story is true then it's the creepiest story he's ever heard. He read in the paper about what was going on with the case. He explained that he's being accused of molesting a cancer patient. Howard said that he may have been ''jerking'' the kid. Robin said there was no oral involved according to the stuff she read. Howard and Robin discussed the details of what they've read. Ronnie the Limo Driver also said that he heard that the parents felt like Jackson was holding her prisoner at his ranch at one point. Howard said if he were Jackson, he'd leave the country.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said that on CNN online they were claiming that the kid was being hassled by his school mates about his relationship with Jackson and that eventually led to the kid going to therapy and finding out that he may have been molested. Cabbie wondered if Jackson would actually go to prison for something like that. Howard said he could face 8-10 years if he does go. They talked about how they wouldn't be able to put him in the general population of a prison because he'd probably be killed. The guys were comparing Jackson to Roman Polanski. Cabbie said that he read that the family isn't in this for the money, they're just in it to seek justice.
A listener called in and said that Jackson could still pay off this family and stop the kid from testifying. Robin said that they've always shown Jackson holding kid's hands and stuff so there's no way they're going to stop him from doing that. The caller also had a couple of stories about child molesters that he told. Howard said at least we have something good to watch on TV for the next few months. He said he was getting tired of the Paris Hilton controversy anyway.
Howard read some stories from the news about the Jackson case. Robin pointed out that CBS has to drop a Michael Jackson special they had planned. Howard said they should still run it because he's never been hotter. Robin said that they can't get advertising for the special. Howard said they should have all kinds of gay classifieds and other gay advertising for the show. Howard had a guy on the line who asked for a prize so Howard was going to give him $500 courtesy of ''Bad Santa.'' That led to Howard talking about the movie which he just saw. He said the movie is actually funny and he liked it. He said he didn't think it was going to be anything good and it turned out to be funny. It's a Disney movie and that's surprising because the Santa is so evil in the movie. Howard wanted a game to play but KC wasn't around to bring in any of his games. Howard thought of a number between 5 and 10 and had the guy try to guess what it was. Howard wrote it down and the guy guessed 7. It was actually 8 but Howard gave him the money anyway. Howard talked about ''Bad Santa'' a little more and said that Bernie Mac was in the movie and he was pretty funny too. It was also John Ritter's last movie. Howard said Ritter had a small part in it. Artie said he's pissed that skinny guys are getting Santa roles. Howard told the guys about some of the scenes in the movie and how funny they were. He said Santa pisses his pants and curses at the kids quite a bit. Howard said he hasn't finished watching the movie yet since he was watching it in his limo on his way out to Long Island.
Howard said that Vinnie has turned into a really creepy guy. He said that Vinnie and Tom Gisamundo from their office have been making music together for years and yesterday they were playing some stuff. He said they were doing it in Howard's studio and that pissed him off. They managed to get tape of them practicing the stuff and singing. Vinnie was singing his horrible lyrics with no music playing in the background. Howard just laughed as he heard it.
Vinnie called in and said they weren't supposed to record in Howard's studio. He said he stopped by the station to record this little bit for Tom and it wasn't done yet. Vinnie said that they have someone else who's going to sing the song for them. Howard continued to play the awful song while Vinnie begged him to stop. Howard also asked Vinnie if he'd ever go into Letterman's studio to record a song. Of course he wouldn't. Vinnie wondered how Howard managed to get his hands on that tape. Howard told him that they have the studio set up so it can play throughout the station so everyone was goofing on him yesterday. Howard said everyone was listening and goofing on him while he was doing this stuff. Howard said he only managed to get this one song on tape though. Vinnie told Howard he wanted to buy everything back so he couldn't goof on him anymore.
A listener called in and said that Joe Rogan was right about Vinnie and he really is a ''tool.'' Vinnie said that he's not a tool, he's more of a loon. Howard said he's not going to give up the tapes. Artie told him that he should only hope that they die laughing. That's the only way they'll stop playing that stuff. Howard played the ''growing'' tape again and goofed on Vinnie a little more. A woman called in and said there's nothing funnier than these Vinnie tapes. Howard spent a couple more minutes goofing on them before taking a break.
Howard said that his General Manager Tom Chiusano was at management meetings for a week and he didn't even notice. He's back today and he's already annoying him. He said he's trying to get stuff done but Tom is wandering around bugging him for some reason. Tom came in again and told Howard that he just came in to see the piano that they had in the studio for Pat Monahan. Howard said that he could have waited until after the show or just look at the E! camera. Tom said it was during the commercials and he didn't say anything to Howard. Howard didn't believe that he didn't want to talk to him. Robin wondered what was so interesting about the piano. Tom said they've just never had one in the studio before and he wanted to see it. Howard complained about him bothering him like that but Tom said he wasn't trying to do that.
Stuttering John came in and said that Tom was in the studio for like 10 minutes. Artie backed John up and said that Tom was in there during the whole break. Tom said he was only there for about 2 minutes. John said Tom turned to him a couple of times and said ''It's cool!'' and he had no idea what he was talking about. John said he feels like Tom really likes him and wants Howard to like him back. John also pointed out how Howard might tell a couple of jokes during the break in the studio and Tom will laugh inappropriately loud and long. Fred started to do his impression of the monotone robot Tom a little bit. Stuttering John was also goofing on him and laughing his ass off as everyone else goofed on him.
Howard and the guys asked Tom what he learned at the management meetings he was at. Tom brought everything to a screeching halt when he told them about a couple of the things he learned. Howard wanted to know more but Tom didn't want to give away any secrets they learned. Stuttering John called Tom and rang a bell that was in the studio to show Tom another instrument they had in there. Howard asked Tom if he plays any instruments. Tom doesn't play, he just looks. Howard said he saw Tom feeling the piano during the break.
A listener called in and asked Tom if he's ever banged any ''black nig*** bitches'' in his life. Tom told them that it was none of their business if he had or not. Howard wanted to hear more about that but Tom got out of there. Howard said that he'd give anyone in Sales who recorded Tom's motivational speech a $1000 bonus.
Howard said that the January issue of Hustler is coming out soon and it features the Barbi Twins. Howard talked to Bruce about them and how they look. Bruce said he likes they way they look but their proportions are like a real Barbie doll. Bruce also told Howard that in the March issue, they're going to have pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger groping a woman from back in the 70's. Howard wrapped up the call shortly after that and said that the January Hustler is out now.
Howard checked out the pictures of the Barbi Twins in the Hustler magazine. Howard said he didn't think that they were air brushed but Robin and Artie seemed to think that they may have been. Howard said they actually looked awesome. They apparently don't want the pictures to be released because they were personal pictures. Howard said he likes their freakish appearance and might have to take the Hustler home to beat off to.
Howard mentioned the Michael Jackson thing and told Robin how he heard that Dominic Barbara was telling people that Michael Jackson was arrested and dragged out of his home. Meanwhile, Jackson hasn't even been found yet. He thought that was pretty odd. Howard went on to talk about that strange case and how the kid who is accusing Jackson of molestation is a cancer patient. Howard was still wondering how the parents could leave the kid with Jackson after he was accused of molesting another kid years ago.
Howard and the guys talked about the Victoria's Secret TV special that was on the night before. They also talked about the fact that Eminem is being accused of being a racist. Howard also read a few other quick e-mails and stuff before going to commercial break. He talked about the Paris Hilton thing a little bit and read some mail about some of the stuff they were talking about during yesterday's show. He had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard said Artie is in the paper today. Artie and Jackie the Joke Man were seen embracing at the premiere of the movie ''Mail Order Bride'' in which they both appear. Artie said Jackie has always been nice to him and it was just a quick embrace. Artie said the movie opens tomorrow. Howard seemed surprised to hear that the two of them embraced when they saw each other.
Robin brought up a story she read about Geraldo Rivera's ex-wife being with Clarence Clemens from the E Street Band apartment hunting. Fred played the old tape they had of Clarence talking to Robin about what he'd like to do with her on a date if they went out. Howard goofed on that for a minute and then got to some Michael Jackson jokes. Here are a few examples:
Howard changed subjects and said he saw a picture of Pamela Anderson in her American Music Awards dress and it was the hottest thing he's seen. He said the picture makes him want to just lick her ass.
Howard whipped through a few other things that were in the news. He talked about Rush Limbaugh a little bit and how he was bashing the National Enquirer even though their reports turned out to be pretty accurate. Howard said the Enquirer has that picture of Pam that he was checking out. He said they have a bunch of stuff in there that's pretty interesting.
Howard interrupted the interview because Gary was on his cell phone down by Tom Chiusano's office. Howard wanted him to toss the phone in the meeting so they could listen to the meeting and what Tom was saying. Gary's phone got cut off as he tried to get the phone into the office.
Howard told Pat that they still play the version of the Led Zeppelin song they performed a while back. Howard asked him what was going on with the band. Pat said that one of the guys decided to just leave the band and the second guy was just a lot of work.
Gary came in and said that Tom was kind of pissed about the cell phone thing. He said he tried tossing the phone in like a hand grenade. He said that Tom was very disappointed in him and thought that it was Stuttering John at first.
Howard got back to Pat again and mentioned some of the lyrics in his songs and how depressing they are. He and Pat talked about marriage counseling and how Pat does it over the phone because he's always on the road. He said a friend of his once told him that after 10 years of marriage he'll masturbate so much that smoke will come out. Howard said that's true and he actually saw flames from his when he beat off.
Pat said that Train is still a band and they're not breaking up the band and Train will go on as far as he's concerned. Their new album ''My Private Nation'' is out now. Pat was ready to go but Howard thought he might want to take a break first to test out the equipment. Pat told Howard that he gets really nervous around them for some reason even though he does a lot of TV and radio. Pat said that he used to listen to Howard's ''Crucified by the FCC'' CD and thought that it was genius. He said he still listens to the show and gets nervous when he comes in. Howard asked Pat if he'd perform ''Calling All Angels'' and a cover of Aerosmith's ''Dream On.'' Pat said he'd do whatever Howard wanted. Howard then took a break.
After the break Howard said he heard Pat warming up and it sounded pretty good. He asked Pat about what he did in school and if he was the kid singing in the back of the class. Pat said he tried to make himself invisible and would just mouth the words to songs and stuff. He said he didn't know that he was so talented for a long time. When he finally figured it out it was like walking into something. He said he did do a high school talent show one time and that's when he knew he could do this stuff. He also told Howard that finding out he could sing on his own was good because he didn't get into any bad habits. Pat said he was the youngest of 7 kids and his brothers and sisters would turn him on to albums like the Beatles White Album while his father would play Jazz albums for him. He now realizes that he was moved by all of that stuff.
Howard had Pat perform ''Calling All Angels'' first and said he knows he's going to have him do ''Dream On'' as well because he heard it while he was in the bathroom. Pat and his piano player Brandon went ahead and performed the first song. Howard said he liked the song when he heard it from their album and Robin gave him a hard time over it. She didn't like that version but liked the live version. Howard pointed out that the E! crew had clouds playing on the TV behind the band. He goofed on Scott DePace for that since he's the director of the show.
A listener called in and said that song was like winning a prize on the air. Howard said that a song like that is what makes his job worth it. Scott DePace came in a short time later and said that they used the clouds behind Adam Duritz during yesterday's show. Scott said they won't play the two shows back to back so no one will notice.
A couple more phone callers said that the song was pretty amazing and gave them chills when they heard it. Howard spent a couple of minutes interviewing Pat a little more about how the band was discovered. He said he had to stop drinking back then because it wasn't good for his singing. After he quit they were able to get an album deal and things took off from there. Robin and Howard were trying to figure out what some of the lines in the song meant as well. Robin didn't get the one about the ''football teams are kissing queens.'' Howard said he got it and it was about hypocrisy. Pat said that Howard was right about that and explained it a little more to Robin.
Pat and Brandon performed a great cover of Aerosmith's ''Dream On'' after that. It was just Pat singing while Brandon played piano. After the song Howard joked and asked them to do it again because they had the wrong background behind them. A woman called in and said that it was the best version of ''Dream On'' she's ever heard. She said it made her day. A guy called in and told Howard that Pat and Adam are the best two singers that Howard has had on. Double A called in and told Pat how great that ''Dream On'' was. Another woman called in and asked if Pat is as good looking as he sounds. Robin said that he is a good looking guy so the woman asked him if he's married. He is married so she said she wouldn't want to get involved with him. She asked if they're going to be doing any concerts anytime soon. Pat told her that they're going to be in Australia for a while but they'll be back in the States to do a 3 city tour of Chicago, Atlanta and San Francisco. He also tried to mention their web site TrainLine.com but Howard kind of drowned it out. He played a quick clip from their album right before he went to break.
Howard had Robin start her news and asked if she was going to sing it like Wayne Brady does on his awful show. He played some tape of that yesterday and replayed it before Robin started her news. After playing that Howard pointed out how wrong it is that Pat Monahan has to tour Australia while Wayne Brady has his own TV show. Howard had his own music that was similar so he sang a couple of lines himself.
Captain Janks (CaptainJanks.tk) called in and said that he's started a grass roots effort to get all of the phony phone callers to call into news programs with breaking news stories and then play some lines from Vinnie Favale's new song. He asked Howard if he could play some of that song so they could all get it on tape to play. Howard did that and then Janks played some of the tape he put together featuring George Takei's voice. He played some one liners that Takei has said over the years. After hearing a couple of them Howard said that every word that guy says is funny. Howard said he wants to have him play his side kick in a movie. He let Janks play a few more clips of Takei before cutting him off and hanging up on him.
Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in a short time later with some new Michael Jackson jokes that he'd written. One of them went something like this... ''They should send Michael Jackson to Ethiopia so he can feed the children and relieve himself at the same time.'' Howard didn't seem to like that one too much so Sal told another one. He said something like ''When Michael Jackson was busted, Kobe Bryant and R Kelly woke up and said ''Whew!'' That one didn't go over so well either so Howard hung up on him and got back to Robin's news.
Howard interrupted a couple of times during the news and talked about some stuff. He mentioned that he didn't see all of ''Smallville'' last night. That led to he and Robin talking about ''Angel'' and how dark the show is shot these days. Robin didn't believe him when he mentioned that the other day but now she sees what he's talking about. They shoot it so dark that all you can see is the headlights of a car. Howard said he was watching ''Smallville'' when his daughter was over and he started talking to her so he paused ''Smallville'' on his TiVo. He said he was trying to turn her on to the show and they ended up talking about some other stuff. He said she was starting to get into it too.
Howard started off the show saying they had a jam packed show today. He wasn't sure if he should start the show immediately or take a break first. Artie mentioned the Michael Jackson mug shot that was in the paper and how scary it was. Howard said ''She needs a shave'' after seeing it. He also said that there are some celebrities out there who don't want to know the truth and are already saying that there's no way Michael could have done anything. Artie said that he has to be removed from society. Robin told him that he is removed, we just have to keep kids away from him. Howard mentioned that there's a secret room in his ranch and the NY Daily News has pictures of it in today's paper. Howard talked about what he saw in the pictures and how there are little dolls on the steps going down to a room where there's a bed with Peter Pan sheets. Howard read the article that went along with the pictures and they talk about some of the other creepy stuff he's got in that room. Robin said there are pictures of Macauley Culkin and pictures of smiling babies in diapers in the room. The guys thought that stuff was pretty weird. Howard mentioned that Jackson was handcuffed when he was brought in and how that made for a good photo opportunity.
Howard and Robin discussed how creepy the stories about Jackson were. Howard wondered how, if he is attracted to young boys, he's able to seduce them with Raggedy Ann dolls. Artie pointed out that his stats said that he only weighs 120 pounds and he's 5'11'' tall. They also had his race as ''Black'' which surprised everyone. Artie also said they have his sex listed as ''Male'' which was another surprise. Howard got back to the article he was reading and brought up some of the other weird stuff he has hidden in this secret room of his.
Howard played some tape of one of Michael's brothers talking about how his brother is innocent. He starts out talking softly but soon gets pissed off and starts cursing and complaining about people saying stuff about his brother. Howard said he hangs up on the interviewer but he didn't have that part on his tape. He pointed out that kids today don't even know who Michael Jackson is and it's the parents who are bringing the kids to visit him.
King of all Blacks called in and said that he believes that Michael is innocent. He told Howard and Robin what he thinks happened with the kid who is accusing Jackson of molesting him. He thinks the kid was mad at Michael for some reason and this is how the family is getting back at him. Robin told him about what she heard about the kid being in therapy and talking about this stuff. King of all Blacks said he still likes Michael Jackson even after seeing him in handcuffs. Howard and Robin ended up arguing about whether or not the hair on Michael's head is his own or not. Howard and King of all Blacks thought it was his real hair but Robin thought that it was his own, just straightened. They argued about that for a short time without coming to an agreement about whether or not it was his hair.
King of all Blacks was saying that he was going to have some plastic surgery done on himself. He was going to get his eyes done for some reason. Howard asked him why he'd do such a thing because he's not in show business. King told him that he's going to have them lifted so Howard asked him why he'd do that. King said that they're kind of saggy and that's why he wants to get them done. King told Howard that he's pretty good looking for his age and figured he'd had some surgery done on his face. Howard said he's never had anything done and he still has those laugh lines in his face. He said he'd like to get them fixed and asked King who his doctor is. He had to take a break a short time after that.
Stuttering John told Underdog that they really do love her and the show is not the ''filth'' that she thinks it is. Howard said that her act is so outrageous that it's not possible to control the fans over it. Howard once again asked his audience to leave her alone. She also corrected him and said that it's not ''Underdog Lady'' it's just plain ''Underdog.'' Stuttering John told Howard that she does other characters as well. She does Cat Woman, Cinderella, the Ghost of Christmas Past and a couple of others. She said that she does a few dozen parades a year as these characters. She said she's bothered by Howard's fans no matter which character she's doing. Howard told her that she needs to just try and smile through it and ignore the fans. Howard said that if she just smiled when the fans say her name, they would probably leave her alone. He said the look on her face has such anger in it that it just makes people want to bother her more. Howard told Susan that she just needs to calm down and she'd have a good time.
Howard wondered why Susan was whispering as she talked to him. She said she fears retaliation from the places where she appears. Howard said that he was going to take a few phone calls from fans to find out why they bother her. She didn't want to do that and sounded like she was about to cry when he put someone on the phone. One guy said that Susan kicked his dog and killed it. Susan said ''that's a lie!'' in her whispering voice. Howard said it was a joke and that's what she has to learn to deal with. Howard told her to just roll with the punches. That led to Susan saying that one person who was told to ''roll with the punches'' ended up dead. She told Howard that Christ was that person. She was comparing her torture to Christ's torture.
A listener called in and said that the only reason they bother her is because she's so bothered by this stuff. Susan said that she's had 45 years of torture. Howard said that's her problem then because it's not all about him. She's been hassled by people even before she did Howard's show. Howard said she really does have to roll with it. She brought up Christ again and said she just can't do that.
Another caller said that he was at a carnival and when he mentioned Howard's name, Susan threw a soda on him. Some other callers said that she's got problems and needs to get help. Captain Janks called in and said that he went to see Underdog at a parade one time and she yelled at him to not mention Howard's name. He said that he really does have a crush on her and would like to go on a date with her. Janks said he's sick of seeing people treat her the way they do and wants to protect her. He said he's tired of seeing people maltreating her. Underdog said she doesn't know where he's located but she told him about this parade she's going to be in this weekend. She asked him to stop these fans from heckling her at the parade.
Howard was going to try and give Susan a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Bad Santa'' but she refused to take it. She said that she couldn't accept it because there would be retaliation from people who would be angry at her if she took it.
A caller told Howard that he dated her for 5 months but Susan said that she hasn't dated anyone for 5 consecutive months. He then said that she gave the best oral. Howard hung up on him since he knew it was a made up story. Susan said that's the kind of stuff she has to deal with when she's out there on the streets.
Howard told Susan that she is a different person and she will be harassed over that. She just has to learn to go with it. Susan said she'll be in a parade tomorrow but she has to get there a day early since the trains won't get her there on time that day. Susan also said that tomorrow is an important day that people should remember. Artie knew that it was the 40th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination. She said that we should all take a moment of silence for him at the exact minute of his death. She said at 1pm Central time we should all have a silent prayer or remember him in silence. Stuttering John asked her what she'd say to God in her prayer. She hung up within seconds after that question. Howard said that was fun and he loves hearing from her.
Howard was going to take a break but ended up talking about how lame the Victoria's Secret special was. He finally watched it yesterday and said that it was pretty bad. He and Robin talked about that for a minute. Howard said they had another episode of the Wheel of Benjy coming up. They had a few jingles to go with the thing and played those. That led to Howard going off on Benjy for standing outside his office yesterday talking to someone at the top of his lungs. Howard figures that Benjy was doing that to get his attention but Benjy said he forgets that Howard sleeps there. As he was explaining his actions, Howard turned off Benjy's microphone and went to commercial break.
Howard talked about how he confused Winona Ryder for Winona Judd yesterday when he was talking about Judd getting picked up for DUI. Howard said that her mother is on the board of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). Howard just wanted to make sure everyone knew that he'd made that mistake yesterday.
Howard got back to the discussion he was having about the Victoria's Secret TV special. He didn't watch it until yesterday so he hadn't commented on it that much. He had some clips to play from the awful show and spent some time goofing on it. He was pointing out how serious they were taking everything back stage. Howard said there's nothing going on there but they're treating it like it's something really important. Howard was goofing on the guy back stage who was telling the girls to go out on stage and the count downs that they were doing. After a few minutes of that Howard moved on to other stuff.
Howard said Vinnie Favale made up a song parody of his own called ''Robin Maguire.'' He took clips from Robin's book on tape and put them to the tune of the ''Jerry Maguire'' Bruce Springsteen song. Howard started to play it but the CD was skipping. He had to bail out on it because it was skipping too much.
Howard said he had to thank Pat Monahan for coming in yesterday to perform. He said he got a lot of mail about that appearance. Someone was wondering when that will air on E! but Howard just said he'd let people know when it's scheduled. He read a bunch of e-mail about that song and how great it was. He said there were a few people who thought it all sucked. Someone asked Howard if Howard was going to have Styx on next. Howard wanted to play a little bit of it but couldn't find the CD at first. After doing some searching he found it and played Pat's ''Calling All Angels.'' He let the whole song play. He said he was only going to let a little bit of it play but he got caught up in it. Gary was still in the studio and made a comment that Howard didn't like so he kicked him out.
Howard said that Heidi Klum was in to talk about the Victoria's Secret thing. It was just tape of a woman with an accent who was playing the part of Heidi. Howard had a conversation with the tapes and she said things like...
Howard kicked ''Heidi'' out and got back to his Pat Monahan talk. He replayed his version of Aerosmith's ''Dream On.'' Robin was impressed that Pat was able to remember the lyrics to that song. She said some singers can't even remember the lyrics to their own songs. Howard let that whole song play through like he did with the other song. Howard asked Artie if he'd rather look like Brad Pitt or be able to sing like Pat. Howard said he'd rather look like Brad Pitt.
A woman called in and said she saw Artie on the Jamie Kennedy Experiment last night. Howard wondered why he didn't mention it on the air. Artie said Fred gave him a plug at the end of the show. He said it went pretty good and they goofed on a guy in a poker game and made his father think that he owed them all $15,000.
Howard took a call from Vinnie Favale who told him to play the ''Robin Maguire'' song he'd e-mailed to him. Howard said he had it but it was kind of boring. Howard started to play the song and did get some laughs from it. Vinnie took audio from Robin's book ''Quivers a Life'' book on tape and put them to the Bruce Springsteen song from ''Jerry Magurie.'' Howard wanted to play some Vinnie clips but he couldn't find what he was looking for. He went right to break since they couldn't make that happen immediately.
Howard said he had this guy Greg Dean Schmidts from Yahoo Movies (Greg's Previews) on the phone. He said he loves when he reads about Michael Jackson always having these movie deals in the works but none of them are ever made. Greg told Howard about some of the projects he knows about. Greg said there were plans to make an ''urban'' remake of Jack and the Beanstalk. He also wants to make a movie about King Tut where he'd play the young King Tut. Greg also said that Jackson wanted to play Edgar Alan Poe in a movie about the last 7 days of his life. Greg claims that Jackson wanted to play Peter Pan in the movie ''Hook'' but he didn't get the part. Greg said it was rumored that Jackson went out and paid someone to put a voo doo curse on a bunch of Hollywood people including Steven Spielberg who produced ''Hook.''
Howard gave Greg a couple of plugs and talked to him about some movies before getting off the line. Howard told him he'd seen ''Bad Santa'' and wondered what other people think. Greg said he hasn't seen it yet and it doesn't come out until next week. Howard asked him about the new Superman movie and if it's really going to happen. Greg said there are a lot of rumors about it and it's hard to tell what's real or not. He said he won't comment on it because whatever he says will probably be debunked tomorrow. Greg said some nice words about Artie before he got off the line. He said he thinks he's the best thing to have happened to the show
Howard ended up talking about his old books when they were talking about his movie. He said he can't even look at those books anymore because he wants to take stuff out and change stuff. He said he even thought about writing another book but backed out after writing a little bit. That idea went out the window pretty quick.
National Enquirer's Mike Walker called in to play his Gossip Game. He and Howard spent a minute talking about the Michael Jackson stuff for a few seconds. The caller got back on the line a minute later so Howard and Mike tried to find out if the guy was lying to them or not. He was saying some stuff that made it sound like he doesn't know the family as well as he claims he does. He didn't have much to say so Howard was going to bail out on the call. The guy stopped him and said that he also has A.D.D. like Howard does. Howard corrected him and said that it's OCD, not A.D.D.
Mike told Howard and Robin that the family is from another country so the caller didn't really know them. Mike went on to talk about how bizarre Michael is and how he has robbed his kids of their ability to get sunlight on their faces and how he dangled one of them over a balcony not too long ago.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she had some info about this family. She said that the family lived with Michael and when he asked them to leave, that's when they went to the lawyers, not doctors, about their child's problem. Jessica seems to think that Jackson is a caring person and he might be innocent in all of this. Mike, who sounded angry, told Jessica that Jackson paid off a family of another child who accused Jackson of molestation. He said someone doesn't pay a family $40 million to pay off lawyers. He said maybe $5 million or even $10 million would pay off lawyers, not $40 million.
Jessica continued to argue on Jackson's side and said that the kid who is accusing Jackson of molesting him is the same kid who appeared on the special that aired earlier this year. He was on video talking about how Michael never touched him and now all of a sudden he's changed his story. Howard said she might make a good lawyer in the case. Howard said we might see Jessica in the next Michael Jackson video.
A listener called in and said that he heard a talk radio show yesterday where they talked about the other kid who accused him of molestation and it was very disturbing.
Howard moved on to Mike's weekly Gossip game after that. Here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the commercials Howard got back to the girls Carmen Luvana (Videos) and Violet Blue (Videos). He asked the girls what the grossest thing was that they'd done in porn. Carmen said that she just does normal stuff. Howard told her this might be kind of weird then. Howard told the girls that Benjy was laying on the wheel with a pointer on his head. They have to spin him around and whatever it lands on, they have to do to get their plugs. Howard said he went on Violet's web site last night and it was a site for witches. She said it's not really a witch site but she is in this thing called the O.T.O. which is a witchy group. So it was a witch thing. She told Howard that they have about 5000 members in this organization. Howard told her that Robin dabbled in the witch thing but Robin didn't seem to want to go there. Violet went on to talk about what they do at their meetings and how they hold a mass for the members. He spent a minute talking to her and then moved on to the spin.
Carmen was the first one to spin. She had to grab one of his legs to make the spin. She landed on ''Benjy puts his toe in your orifice.'' Carmen said she wasn't going to take it anally like Benjy wanted to do. He told her that he had K-Y for her. She thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and do it. She asked him to put 5 condoms on his foot to cover up all of his toes. Artie said he was speechless. Carmen got naked and told Howard that she's 5'2'' tall and weighs just 100 pounds. Howard said she looks kind of like Britney Spears. He said she was completely shaved. She told them that she has fake boobs as she took her shirt off. Artie said Benjy looked like some kind of perverted Santa as he did this. Carmen asked Benjy to tea bag her instead but he wanted to do the toe thing. Carmen was kind of nervous but she went ahead and did it. Benjy dipped his toe in her butt and she said it was in there but he said it wasn't. It eventually went in and popped out. Carmen said she didn't like it. Howard told her that she was very brave to have done that. Benjy said he got some of his other toes in places where they weren't supposed to be.
Howard noticed that Benjy was having some trouble for some reason. Benjy said he just felt fat being on camera and all. Howard had him lay down on his wheel and Violet spun the wheel. She landed on ''Play naked leap frog with Benjy.'' She said she always wanted to do that one. Howard said the last time they played this game and played it on E!, they got huge ratings. Violet wasn't completely shaved according to Howard. She said she gets razor burn when she shaves completely. Her boobs were real which surprised Howard since they don't get to see many real ones. Benjy also got naked and showed the girls his tiny wiener. He said his girlfriends tell him that he's very thick when he's aroused though.
Benjy was going to start out on top for the Leap Frog game. He hopped over her and then she hopped over him. Howard let them do that about 2 times before telling them to stop. KC said he could see way more than he wanted to from behind Benjy. Howard told Benjy that Violet had a bigger penis than he did. Howard gave Violet a plug for her web site VioletBlue.org and said she also works for AdamEve.com. He thanked the girls and told them they were brave for coming in to do this stuff.
Zolar called in and said that Benjy's parents must be dead. He said he's a disgrace. He saw him on the E! show the last time and Benjy leaves his pointer on his head all the time. Howard spent another minute talking to Violet about how she has a husband and a boyfriend before he went to commercial break.
Howard broke in to do the $25,000 football pool picks. Howard went to Artie first who picked the Cincinnati Bengals. Daniel Carver was on the line a few seconds later. He laughed and said that he's in the lead so far. Howard said that if he wins he might start to like himself so much that he wouldn't hate others as much. Daniel told Howard that he doesn't hate black people, he just thinks they're animals. He said he can stand at the side of the road in his robes and not do anything and people will throw rocks at him. He asked ''Where's the hate at?'' Howard said he hopes that the money will not be channeled into hate groups. Daniel said that he will keep it for himself. He also got in a plug for his $3 catalog full of racist crap. He said you can send him $3 at PO Box 446, Oakwood, GA, 30566. He said he gets a lot of orders at this time of year because people give gifts of CDs and stuff like that. He said he gets a lot of orders for ''Dreaming of a White Christmas'' t-shirts. He also told Howard that he doesn't make a lot of money every year. He said he only makes about $8,000 a year. He said his wife worked for AT&T and she gets a retirement pay check so that helps pay the bills. He told Howard that he's taking the Dallas Cowboys to win this weekend.
Gary the Retard was on the line to pick his team for this weekend. He's losing to the chicken so he said that someone should go out and ''kill the stupid thing.'' He went with the Seattle Seahawks this week as he usually does. Last week he went with Cleveland. Gary got a little upset with Artie when he was goofing on him. He said that he wants to kick Artie's ass when he sees him again. Gary said he wants to get some duct tape and tape his mouth shut. Sanders the Chicken make his pick of the Miami Dolphins before Howard got back to Jon Hein. Here are the standings for everyone so far:
Jon Hein runs the web site JumpTheShark.com where people can talk about shows and other stuff that have ''gone bad.'' Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how a lot of people think that ''Survivor'' has jumped the shark lately. He and Howard also talked about ''American Idol'' and how that will probably do just fine since there are no other hit shows out this season. Jon talked about ''The Bachelor'' and how no one seems to be watching the show this season. ''The Bachelorette'' and ''Joe Millionaire'' were also brought up and discussed for a short time. Jon said that 20/20 seems to have jumped the shark after Barbara Walters did an interview with Martha Stewart and some of the other lame stuff they've done.
Howard spoke to Jon for a couple of minutes and gave Jon a plug for his Jump The Shark 2004 Day-To-Day Calendar. Artie had one there so he read off one of the ''Jump the Shark'' instances that's in the calendar. January 27th said that Black Sabbath Jumped the Shark when the double album with their Greatest Hits on it was released. There was a lot of info on the page and Howard wondered how you can write anything on the page. Howard took it and read a couple himself. ''The Price is Right'' apparently jumped the shark when they changed the show back in the 80s when they brought in the showcase showdown wheel. Jon also says that the giant Plinko game and new Barker Beauties also helped it Jump. Howard argued with Jon about some of those reasons but thought it was funny when he read that it jumped when Bob asked people to spay and neuter their pets. Howard went to commercial break before getting to Robin's news.
Stuttering John came in and said that he had new numbers for Paris and Nikki Hilton. He had Howard try to call Paris but her voice mail was full when he got through. Howard told John to take the other number and try Nikki in the office. The guy who got the numbers was on the line a couple minutes later. He said he saw the numbers on her wall when he was in her house fixing her appliances. John came back in and told Howard that the number for Nikki sounded legitimate so Howard gave it a call and left her a message. He told Nikki about the deal he has for her sister and asked her to pass it along. He said that he's not an enemy, he's cool and can relate to them somehow. He said it's a huge offer and he's willing to do it if they are. He wrapped up the call and said ''Make it a great day...'' Jon Hein liked that little addition to the message. Robin got back to the news after that.