Howard started off the show asking Artie why he was bummed out this morning. Artie was at the World Series game the other night when the Yankees lost. That led to Howard talking about what he thinks is wrong with the team. The guys all talked about how sad it was to see them lose like they did. Howard said he was watching the game on his TV with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos on one side of him and Beth on the other side. He said they didn't even watch the game, they were just talking. He said his kids were in the other room though so nothing happened between them.
Gary said that Artie is a season ticket holder and he ended up selling his tickets to someone else for game six and then ended up getting tickets for seats that were way up high in the stadium. Artie said he did it to make a profit on them. He said the seats weren't that bad and he made a lot of money on those season ticket seats. Artie said his uncle convinced him to sell off the tickets. He said he's in on the season tickets with him so he kind of has to go along with him. Artie said he gets 40 games worth of tickets for the season and sells off about half of them. He said that pays for all of the tickets because he makes money on the sales. He said he made enough money selling off some of the other tickets for the Series to almost pay for the whole season next year.
Howard mentioned that he saw Artie in the new movie ''Elf'' and thought he was good in it. He went on to tell the guys about how his daughter and her friends all watched it as well. He wasn't sure if they liked it or not. He went on to tell them that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos also got in on the movie preview with them as well. Howard said when the kids found out that they were going to meet John Stamos, they were thrilled. Howard said the kids started asking him a ton of questions about being on ''Full House'' and he wasn't being all that cool about it. Howard said he just wasn't into it. He was mumbling and talking in a monotone. Howard said John told him that he has to rest his voice because he's working on a Broadway play. Howard said that Stamos told him that he was going to take them all to see ''Nine'' with the Olson Twins so he came through in the end.
Howard said Rebecca showed up late and all of the girls started asking her about her modeling. She told them that she's not a model anymore though, she's an actress. Howard said she was really good with the girls and had them playing a game where they each got $5 and had to buy someone else a gift. They eventually found a store and Rebecca was the time keeper. He said he played along and bought Rebecca a box of condoms. Howard said he actually bought some chocolate to eat during the movie. He said Rebecca bought the kids some whipped cream which was great.
Gary said that Howard has the best girlfriend because there aren't many women who would let their guys go out with Rebecca. Howard said Beth was supposed to be there but she had to work. Howard said that Benjy was there at the movie with his girlfriend as well. He said she was really cute too. Her name is Sheila. Howard said Benjy complimented Rebecca's hair at one time and said he'd never seen her hair like that. They quickly realized that Benjy thought it was Beth and didn't know it was Rebecca. Howard said he thought he was joking around with her but he really didn't know it was Rebecca. Gary said Benjy doesn't know who a lot of people are that come on the show so that wasn't that surprising.
Benjy said he thought Artie was really funny in this movie ''Elf.'' Howard said Artie might be able to afford all of his season tickets next year if the movie does well. Artie told Howard when he was at the Yankee game the other night there was a security guard staring at him for some reason. He eventually found out it was Big Black who works security now. The guys talked about that for a minute before getting back to the Yankees again. They were talking about some of the problems with the team and what they think needs to be done with them.
Howard asked Fred how his weekend went since he didn't go to Scores with them on Friday. Howard said they'd talk about that more after taking a break. He said he heard some stories about Dominic Barbara that pissed him off. He said he's been doing some stuff in his name and he's fed up with it. Artie said he thought that Dominic looked thinner than he used to but Stuttering John and Howard thought he still looked fat. Howard went to break shortly after that.
Howard got back to his weekend discussion. He talked about going to Scores on Saturday. He said he likes the way they've remodeled the place. He also talked about how Ronnie doesn't really work there and it's all a goof. They also got Ronnie a ScoresMan cape as a goof. Howard said that Ronnie is getting a lot of e-mail at his ScoresMan923 email account. Ronnie said he had 176 e-mails. Howard said he would have gotten more if he'd said that he was ScoresMan923@aol.com. Howard went on to talk about how some of the guys at Scores were telling him that Ronnie really doesn't work there. Ronnie asked Howard if he had a good time at the party as if he had something to do with the whole thing. Ronnie got really defensive and started yelling at him. Both Howard and Robin were goofing on him because it sounded like he had something to do with the way it went.
Howard said that Dominic Barbara ran up on stage and started dancing and got taken off by the bouncers. Howard said that you're not allowed to touch the girls so he was taken down and thrown off immediately. Howard said he got to the party before Ronnie even got there. Ronnie was stuck in his car on a bridge because of a car accident. Dominic did a few things at the club that upset some people. Stuttering John was talking about how Dominic was telling some woman at the club that she'd have to give him oral to meet him but first she'd have to give John oral. John said he got so uncomfortable that he had to walk away. Howard wondered why Dominic has to drop his name with that stuff because it pisses him off. Howard said he didn't want Dominic there at all because of stuff like that. Howard said that Dominic doesn't know anyone's name on the show even though he's been around it for years. Howard said he's used his name to get into restaurants and stuff like that. He said every minute he's busy using his name.
Howard said he's ready to dump Dominic as a friend. Robin said he's done that in the past and he always ends up being friends with him again. Howard asked Gary if it was a good idea or not to dump him. Gary said it seems like he's not happy with Dominic being a friend. Howard said he's not happy with him. Howard said he's going to cut him off but Robin said she's heard that in the past. No one is taking him seriously. Howard went on to talk about how drunk he got at the party. The guys also talked about the food they had there and how good that was.
They also talked about how Ronnie is now 54 years old. Howard said he heard he was only 53 but Ronnie didn't know where he got that from. Howard said he went home around 1:30 in the morning. When he got home Dominic was standing outside of his building. No one could believe that. Gary said it's like he has a stalker. Howard said everything he does, Dominic gets in on it. Gary said he wouldn't be surprised if Dominic tried to get his son to marry Howard's daughter. Howard said he did hook him up with his niece one time but things didn't work out. Howard said even after all of that he still enjoyed his night. Ronnie told Howard that Dominic was out of control at that party but he was an invited guest.
Dominic Barbara called in and denied some of the stuff Stuttering John was saying. John called Jason in to talk about it because he was a witness. Dominic also said that he thinks he looks thin now. He said he's down to 222 pounds. Dominic couldn't believe that Howard didn't want to stay friends with him so he ended up hanging up on him before Howard could hang up on him. Howard said that Dominic should talk about the other guys on the show once in a while instead of using his name all the time. Robin said she knows that Howard will be talking about having hung out with Dominic by next weekend. Howard said she's probably right about that.
A listener called in and asked Artie what he liked best, the food, the girls or the drinks at Scores. Artie said the food was fantastic and the drinks would probably be next before the girls. Howard goofed on Artie eating Dippin' Dots at the Yankee game for a couple of minutes.
Dominic called back in to talk about how he thinks he has to break things off with Howard. Howard seemed to think that he wanted to go on vacation in the same place that he's going this winter. Dominic said that he's not going to that place and he's got other plans. Gary asked him if he would drop those plans tomorrow if Howard invited him to go with him. Dominic said ''pre-today'' he probably would have dropped that to go with him. The woman who asked to meet Howard the other night called in and said that she just said she'd give Howard oral because she thought she'd get to meet him. She was also calling in to say how disgusting Dominic is. She called him a complete slob. Howard said he's really a nice guy. She said a few things that got the delay button hit so we didn't hear some of her comments. Ronnie told her that if she'd gotten there a little earlier, she would have been able to meet Howard. Howard had to take a break shortly after that. Ronnie wanted to thank some people from Scores but Howard told him to just write a note instead of doing it on the air.
Howard quickly moved on to some other stuff after the football pool picks. He talked about the wild fires out in California. He said he brought them up to someone who went off on him about how they had the 9/11 attacks there in New York so wild fires aren't that big of a deal. Howard said they have fires out there in California every year so it's really not news. He and the guys spent a few minutes talking about the fires. KC said he heard that the fires got started because a hunter got lost and fired off a signal flare or something like that.
Howard read that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going to the Middle East on a private peace mission. Howard said he can't believe that. Robin didn't believe that he was telling the truth though. He said as far as he knew the story was true. He read the statement that Jennifer and Brad released recently about how they want to try and help solve the Israel conflict. Howard wondered what they could possibly do to solve that problem after so many other people have tried and failed. Howard and Robin said the ''Friends'' only have power when they all stick together and do something. Howard said that if ''Friends'' never happened, Jennifer Aniston would probably be a waitress. He also said that Brad Pitt is basically retarded and can barely mumble out his lines in a movie. He also said Brad would probably be hustling guys on Hollywood Blvd. if he wasn't a star. Howard and Robin brought up how no one is even going to know who Jennifer and Brad are when they go to the Middle East. Howard read that Edward Norton, Danny Devito and Jason Alexander are also involved in this peace mission. Howard and the guys had some fun with that whole thing for a few minutes. Howard laughed when he said that Brad and Jen are going to solve the problems over there.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought up how bad the fires are out there in California. She said only one major highway is open and they've lost a lot of homes out there. Howard said that they had 9/11, the blackout, the Yankees loss and stuff like that so they've suffered as well. He was just busting balls though and let her say some other stuff about how bad the fires are.
Howard said that sounded bad but they had a guy on the phone who said he got a fungus after cleaning up with a dirty sock after pleasuring himself. Howard said he's done that and wondered where the fungus came from. The guy said he just assumed that it was from the sock. He said he just wanted to warn people about that since they were on the subject at the time. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard was ready to move on to these two women they had there today. They have really long fingernails for some reason so Howard wondered what that was all about. He said he just doesn't understand girls like this. Terri and Lena came in and showed off their extremely long fingernails. Robin said ''That's ridiculous!'' when she saw them. They had trouble putting their headphones on. Howard explained how their nails are about 10 inches long. Lena interrupted and said that they're actually about 20 inches long. She said that they do break sometimes but she is able to repair them. She said she owns a nail salon and has techniques for fixing them. She told Howard that she's able to do pretty much anything anyone else can do. Howard wondered how she can wipe though. Howard said even he gets some stink on his fingernails when he wipes so he can't imagine how she does it. Terri said that her nails are about 17 inches long. Lena said she can't pick up a coin from a floor if it drops but that's about the only thing she can't do. Howard thought it would be dangerous to even drive with them. Lena said she's never had a problem with that.
Howard figured it must hurt when they get the nails caught on something. She said they really don't hurt when they break. Lena said that she is even able to type with them and demonstrated how she can scratch her face and comb her hair. Howard didn't believe that she could do any of that stuff and challenged her to drink a cup of coffee. She showed how she can hold the cup but didn't show how she can drink from it. Gary came in and said that when Will interviewed Lena, she said that when her nails would break, they'd fall into the toilet and she'd have to fish them out. She claims that she doesn't have to do that with them at the length they're at now.
Lena seems to think that her nails could get her some work in show business. She said she's been offered movie stuff where she'd use her nails. Stuttering John came in and said that he wanted to see the women cut some paper with some scissors. Lena was able to do it but Terri had some trouble. Howard also wanted to see them pick their noses. Lena demonstrated it and showed how she can do it. Howard told the women that their nails were very unattractive. He also said he thinks that there are many other things to do in life other than growing long nails. Gary wanted them to try and get something out of his pocket. The women went over and tried to get out his money clip. They were able to do it but it took a little while. They said when you have nails that long, of course it's going to take longer.
Howard asked Terri what she does for a living. She said she sells vitamins from her home but she also goes around to shows and stuff and does appearances to show off her nails. Artie said he still didn't think that the women's backsides were clean. Lena told him that it is very clean though.
Howard said you can book these two to make an appearance by contacting Herbert Lasker at email@example.com. You can also see them at SexyLongNails.com. Howard started to wrap up the segment after that but then he found out that they have guys who follow them around the country. KC brought in Lena's husband and then the guy who follows them around. He said he came down to give them support because some people think it's kind of weird. He told Howard how he keeps in touch with Lena on the web and knew she was showing up this morning. He told Howard that there are web sites out there that feature women with long nails. He said that he does get some sexual pleasure from this stuff because he likes the back scratching and stuff. The guy told Howard that his fascination for the nails came from when he was a kid and saw a woman playing guitar with really long nails. He said he does consider himself a nail fetishist. While he was talking about all of that stuff Artie was laughing hysterically. He seemed to find it all pretty funny.
A listener called in and said that he thinks that these women are just a couple of nut jobs. The husband said that he gets some pleasure out of the whole thing as well. Howard asked the guy who came down to tell them what web site is the best for finding these women with long nails. He said that NailBytes.com is his favorite for finding new designs that he can paint on his girls and stuff. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that.
Howard said he would like to get paid for this because it's his game. Chris said that Howard is a comedy doctor and he helps make them funny. Dan apologized to Howard for what they did and Chris said he feels bad about it as well. Chris wondered what the damages were and asked Howard what he wanted them to do about this. Howard said he would like them to apologize to him on their show, not on his own show. Chris and Dan said they don't have the power to get something like that on their show. They claim that Bob Costas came up with the idea for them. Howard wondered why they didn't come up with their own questions at least. Chris said that was wrong and he'd like to apologize if they're allowed to. Chris said the show isn't live so even if they do slip the apology in, it might get cut. Chris said the bit was really funny and they laughed their asses off.
Howard said they would never have the balls to ask the same question to a black guy so that's why they did it with a white guy. Both Chris and Dan shut their mouths at that point. They said there was no right answer there. Howard told them he'd like to see them do that bit with a black guy. They kept their mouths shut though.
Chris pointed out how Jimmy Kimmel stole a clip of their show to play it on his show and then pointed out that they ripped Howard off. Chris seemed to think that Jimmy was doing a double whammy with that whole thing. Howard interrupted that to say that both Dan Marino and Chris Collinsworth never won a Super Bowl. Chris said he played in two Super Bowls though. Howard and Artie goofed on Dan a little bit because he has all of these records in the NFL but no Super Bowl win. They also brought up how KC once pointed out something about Dan Marino's ass. KC came in and said that he never said Dan had a nice ass, he just pointed out how much padding he has in his football uniform.
Howard asked Dan if he knew how many sides were on a pentagon. He quickly said ''Eight'' so Howard asked him to spell Receipt. He said ''No spelling!'' and didn't even attempt it. Dan said that he never said he was a smart guy. Howard asked Chris about his football career and how long that lasted. Chris said he played for 8 years.
Howard told the guys that if they don't apologize this week on the show, Dan would have to give KC oral. Chris told Howard that having Dan on the show is like getting Julia Roberts on. He's a big deal. Howard said that was pretty cool and continued to ask him some questions about his wife and how he's only had one. Chris was telling Howard how great Dan was and how he has 6 kids. He has an adopted Chinese child. They talked about all of the commercials Dan has done and the products he has promotes. Howard asked Dan if he's really a happy guy. Dan said he had to go and just agreed that he was happy.
Howard said that he would apologize to them if he stole something of theirs so they should apologize to him. Chris said he'd do that but they weren't going to stop using the bit. He let the guys off the phone a short time later. He and the guys continued to talk about the bit they ripped off and how they really should apologize. It was such a blatant rip off that it's embarrassing. Gary came in and interrupted that to tell Howard that Al Goldstein was there with his new wife. He brought him in a short time later.
Al told Howard that his magazine has been suspended for 4 weeks and they'll be back in 3 weeks. He's having some money issues. Howard asked him how he lost it all. Al said that he lost $100,000 to one wife but had to pay the lawyers $900,000 at the time. He said he was worth about $5 million at one time but no more.
Al said he has been asking for jobs from Larry Flynt and Dennis Hoff from the Bunny Ranch but no one will give him a job. He seems to think that they're all megalomaniacs and don't want to share the spotlight with him. Al said that's why he's going to bring the magazine back. He's going to refinance the house and take some money from that to help out with the magazine.
Al's fiancee Christine was there so Howard asked her how she met him. She said it was accidental. She told Howard how that all happened and then found out that Al didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement with her. He said he's going to be monogamous and wants her to get all of his money when he dies. He's not leaving anything to his son who he has had problems with for years.
Howard asked Christine how often she has sex with Al. She said when he's competent, they can do it 3 or 4 times a week. Right now he's on some medication that makes it hard to get aroused so they don't do it all that often. They spent a minute on that before Al rambled on about all of the troubles he's had with the law. He also said that he's going to law school next year so Howard told him to just lay off of all of that stuff and go home and bang this new girl he has.
Zolar called in and said that Al is disgusting and it's obvious that this girl is just a gold digging whore. She said she really doesn't want his money so Zolar told her to just sign the pre-nuptial agreement. He also asked if he could come to Al's wedding. Howard hung up on him after that question and took a couple more calls. Al talked about how proud he was of himself for keeping the weight off since getting his operation. Howard told him he shouldn't be proud, the doctors did all of the work. Al said that he took the operation seriously and didn't cheat on his diet like a lot of people do. He wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard was screwing around with his microphone as he started the show. He kept telling people to hold on and he'd be right with them. He eventually moved on to the ScoresMan birthday party he talked about yesterday. He said that Scott the Engineer was there and took off all of his clothes when he was there. He said he was just joking around trying to get him in trouble with his wife. Scott was there and it was a big deal because he never shows up to that stuff. He was wearing a sport jacket which seemed to surprise Howard. Scott said that he said hello to Howard and that was the last he saw of him for the whole night. Howard told him he was glad to see him out though because he's ''under the thumb of a woman'' and he doesn't get out to stuff like that much. Howard goofed on Scott a little bit by doing his impression of him. He and Scott spent a couple of minutes talking after that. Scott told Howard that people always ask him what he's like to work with. Scott claims that he tells people that he's a really nice guy and he doesn't have any problems with him. Howard said he's been working with Scott for 18 years now. They talked about the old days and about Scott looking like he's 70 years old even though he's only 50. Scott talked about his DJ business and how he's not doing that many gigs himself anymore. He said he's spending more time working with his son's band Vertigo Blue (VertigoBlueMusic.com).
Howard said that Scott has caught on pretty quick with the equipment they use there at the station. They switched from analog to digital equipment and he's worked with it pretty well. The guys joked that he now has more time to smoke since going to digital. Both Fred and Howard were doing their impressions of Scott during that. Gary came in a short time later and talked about how excited Scott is about his son's band. Howard told Scott that when his son's band eventually hits big they'll leave him behind. Scott said his son has a gig coming up in New Jersey pretty soon. It's tough to get a band like that booked anywhere because they haven't played anywhere.
Howard and Scott talked about his son's band and their web site VertigoBlueMusic.com. Howard asked Scott what he does for the band also. Scott said he gets some pretty good feedback about the band. He said he's been told that they're heading in the right direction but they need some work. He said he might be a little biased toward his son's band but he also thinks he's been around a lot of music and knows that it's ''decent'' stuff. Howard wondered if he smokes in the car on the way to gigs and stuff. Of course he does, what a dumb question. Howard eventually told Scott to get out of the studio because he was boring everyone.
Scott told Howard that he sat with J.D. and Dead Air Dave at Scores the other night. Howard wondered what J.D. was up to because he wasn't talking to any of the strippers that night. Howard said he should have taken him under his wing when they were there. J.D. came in and said that he didn't have any money so that's why he was pushing the girls away that night. Artie was doing an impression of J.D. when he came in. Howard tried to find out what J.D., Dead Air Dave and Scott were talking about that night. Howard ended up making up the conversation and goofed on Scott and those guys a little bit.
Howard told J.D. about how Scott the Engineer was married once before his current marriage and she joined a gym, got in shape and left him. Scott said that wasn't true though. He said that he and his wife just didn't get along very well. Howard asked if he could just give Scott that story instead of the story he has. Scott told Howard what really happened and how he didn't get along with the woman he married. Gary said there was something else to the story that he wasn't telling. He tried to find out what it was but Scott wasn't talking. Stuttering John came in and said he remembered Scott saying something about wife swapping or something like that. John said he's not being honest at this point. He said he knows that it happened but Scott was denying it. John said he knows that Scott told that story on the air. Scott said he never told that story on the air though. Artie said he knew a little about it so he had to have told it on the air.
Howard asked J.D. what he did when he was at Scores. He doesn't drink so the guys were wondering what he was doing. John said that he knows that J.D. Turned down a girl who asked him out one time. J.D. Said he just wasn't into her and turned her down. The guys wondered if the girl was still alive after being turned down by J.D. John told him that he should take it anytime he can get it. The intern that asked him out came in and said that he felt bad for him and asked him out for drinks. He turned her down though. The intern said it was an opening for him and it could have been like a date. Gary told him that if he'd gone out with her, he could have met some of her friends which would be more women than he'd meet in a month. Howard said J.D. probably could have banged her that night. Ronnie ''ScoresMan923'' the Limo Driver came in and told a story about J.D. Having a bunch of girls from Russia at his house one night. He said that he didn't even get any of them. ScoresMan said that J.D. isn't into strippers. He said he just sat there and didn't get any dances at the Scores party they had on Friday night. It was a money issue though, not because he doesn't like strippers.
Howard had J.D. and the intern put their arms around each other to see how they looked as a couple. Howard told them they looked cute and they should just go and bang already. The intern said that she'd hook J.D. up with some of her friends if things didn't work out for them. Howard told them to just give it a try and see how things work out. J.D. mentioned something about waiting until he's in love to bang a chick. Howard told him he needs practice and he should be banging some other chicks. Stuttering John said he waited until he was in love and didn't get laid until he was 19. He said that was a mistake and J.D. Should try some other chicks. Howard took a break shortly after that discussion.
Howard said he got some mail about Tawny Kitaen being on his E! show. A few people wrote in and complained about Howard telling her she looked good. They seemed to think that she had a fat ass and her face wasn't all that great. Another e-mailer brought up the Transcendental Meditation that Howard practices. The guy thought it was a religious thing but Howard said it's not. It's just a way to relax. Robin seemed to think that it is a bit of a religion because there are so many followers of it. Robin does the meditation as well and she seems to think that it has become a bit of a religion. Howard said he's never been asked to be in any type of religion based on the meditation thing though.
An e-mailer told Howard that he must be jealous of Ronnie the Limo Driver and that's why he goofs on him about the ScoresMan thing. Howard said that all of Ronnie's Scores stuff is a bit over the top and he's been told that Ronnie doesn't even really work there. He's not jealous of him.
Howard got another e-mail from a guy who brought up the ''Inside the NFL'' thing they did on the show yesterday. Someone thought that Jay Leno had been doing the bit for years so Howard ripped Jay off. Howard pointed out that he was doing that stuff years before Jay ever did it so the e-mailer didn't know what he was talking about. Another guy said that Howard's Retarded Spider-Man bit was a rip off of In Living Color's Handi-Man. Howard and Robin wondered how a retarded guy being bitten by a spider was the same as a handicapped super hero though.
Howard got some e-mail about the women with the long nails yesterday. People complained about the women being boring and didn't get the whole thing. Howard said he was asked to touch the nails when the girls were leaving yesterday. He got all scheved out after thinking about what the nails actually were.
People wrote in to complain about Dominic Barbara being on the show too much as well. There were some who also think that Chaunce Hayden is on the show a bit too much as well. Some people also wrote in about the Chris Collinsworth and Dan Marino call that they did on the show yesterday. Some people thought Howard was busting Dan Marino's balls too much but Howard didn't seem to think it was all that bad. He said Dan may have gotten a little embarrassed when he didn't know how many sides are on a pentagon.
Howard read an e-mail in which some guy mentioned the time Artie had his girlfriend walking outside of the car looking for cigarettes. He said that whole thing ended up turning into a fight. He talked about that for a short time before Howard had to take another commercial break.
Captain Janks called in to play some new prank calls he made to CNN yesterday during coverage of the California wild fires. He said he called in twice in about an hour and a half. He said the woman he called got really pissed and freaked out after they hung up on him. Janks called in as a mayor with some news about the fires in San Diego. Janks said that the fires were started with a blast of wind from Howard Stern's asshole. They cut him off and the woman anchor was pissed that she was scammed by a Howard Stern fan. As they go to break the play a CNN bumper that says ''CNN, the most trusted name in news.'' or something like that. Robin and Howard thought that was the funny part of the call. Janks said the second call he made was great because he was calling from San Diego International Airport... but there is no airport by that name. He says there are delays and then tells the woman ''Howard Stern rules you bitch!'' Janks said another station did a report on the legal ramifications for what he's doing. Janks said that they basically said that there's nothing they can do about the calls he makes. Howard said they check their sources before putting someone like that on the air. CNN and those news channels aren't checking their sources before putting Janks on. Janks replayed his CNN ''blast of wind'' call again before Howard got off the line with him. Howard said he likes that his name is all over CNN, it's good publicity.
A listener called in and said that he'll be down on Friday for the costume contest they're holding. He said he has a whole skit to put on. He said he asked Howard who he'd rather see, Rosie O'Donnell or Rush Limbaugh. Howard told him he'd rather see Rush. He took another call after that and a guy brought up how Jillian Barberie was on Jay Leno's show mentioning Howard's name. Howard had the clip from Jay's show so he played that. Jay pretends that he doesn't know where these stories come from so Jillian mentions Howard because that's where they get that stuff from. The caller also wanted to tell a story about a run in he had with a Britney Spears look alike. Howard told him he wasn't interested in that though so he bailed on the call.
A listener called in and asked Howard what's up with his remake of Porkey's. Howard said they're in the process of rewriting the movie. Another guy called in and told Howard that ''The Best Damn Sport Show'' is using his trivia game just like ''Inside the NFL'' does. He didn't seem all that pissed though and dropped the whole thing.
Howard said that the mini-series ''Taken '' is out on DVD and it's really good. He gave that a quick mention and said it wasn't an advertisement, he just liked the movie.
Howard played a clip of Mike Myers talking to Oprah Winfrey recently. He was talking about how he doesn't get much sleep because he has so much going on inside his head. Howard thought that was pretty pretentious of him to say something like that. Howard also played a clip from Ellen Degeneres' show where she was talking to Tim Robbins about why he doesn't have an answering machine. Robbins said that he feels liberated now because he doesn't have to push that button on his answering machine when he comes home and now people have to call back when they don't get his machine. Howard complained about that lame statement for a minute.
Howard said they have this international championship for the Rock, Paper, Scissors game. He played a clip of some of the guys who play the game being interviewed on The Today Show. One guy was talking about strategies in the game and how people fall into patterns. Another guy talked about the ''long hard road'' it was to get to be the champion. Howard thought it sounded like a goof that the guys were doing. As Howard was listening to the clip he said he was waiting to hear the guy say ''Howard Stern's balls'' or something.
Heidi from last season's ''Survivor'' is supposed to call in to talk about how she's out of money. Howard asked Robin about the new outfit she was wearing today. Artie said that he asked her to go to lunch yesterday but she had to go run. Howard said he ran in the rain yesterday as well and got really worn out. Artie wondered why he doesn't run inside somewhere. Howard said he runs in any kind of weather. Artie said he wishes he could run outside like that... but he doesn't run inside either. Stuttering John came in and said that he went jogging with Artie one time and Artie wore his jeans. Artie said he just didn't have anything on him to wear so he stayed in his jeans. He said that they were jogging down by NYU so there were hot chicks everywhere. He ran two miles which isn't too bad for a guy in jeans.
Howard had Heidi Strobel from last season's ''Survivor'' series on the phone. Howard said he read that she's broke now but she claims that she put a lot of her money away for college. Now she's hosting a Mac and Bumble Bikini Contest. She says that she's still going to go to medical school. She said she has all of her money put away for that. Howard said he was going to yell at her for blowing all of her money but this was okay. Howard gave her a plug for her web site and for the Mac and Bumble bikini challenge web site. He only spoke to her for a couple of minutes before bailing out on the call. You can check out the bikini contest site at BumbleGirl.com and Heidi's site is at Heidi-Strobel.com
Howard moved on to some other stuff after that. He talked about his girlfriend a little bit. He said she was offered a job as an escort. The guy apparently told her she could make about $10,000 for working 2 nights a week, 2 hours a night. Howard said he role played with her that night when they were messing around.
Howard said he had his Instant Messenger on yesterday and it told him to update it. After he did that he went on and tried to find some Howard Stern chat rooms. He found one but no one was talking about Howard Stern, they were all just looking for people to have a private chat. Howard said he never knows what to make his password because he can never remember them. Gary told him he can create a file to store them all in and keep them on his desktop. He had no clue and said he was actually trying to use ''Password'' as his password but they won't let him do that.
Howard talked about how tough it is to get through to Artie. He said he tried to call him the other day and he had to go through this whole process that just pissed him off. Howard said Robin does the same thing and it's too hard to get through to her. Artie and Robin said that they do that to weed out the telemarketers and stuff. Howard said when he gets telemarketer calls, he just mumbles in a Spanish accent and tells them to leave him alone.
Howard said that when he was on eBay he decided to check out some of the stuff that was under his name. There was a ton of stuff so he checked some other DJ names to make sure he had more junk on there than they did. He said he's not going to go back on there though until he figures out something to buy.
Howard had a bunch of voice mail messages to play. He had one of High Pitch Erik singing Happy Birthday to ''ScoresMan'' Ronnie the Limo Driver. Mariann from Brooklyn was also on the line but she didn't want to bring up the ScoresMan thing. The two of them were arguing with each other a little bit and Mariann said that Erik has a secret he's keeping from Howard. Mariann was on the phone so Howard asked her what Erik's secret was. She said that he's had a girlfriend for 3 weeks now and hasn't told the girl that he's a big fan of Howard's. Howard said that's a pretty lame secret. He wondered who cares about Erik and his girlfriend.
Howard played some more voice mail. He had a bunch of calls that Hate Man left for Robin and some of their other guests. He left a bunch of messages for Robin so Howard went through a few of those. He went off on all kinds of stuff in the messages he left.
Howard said he's really getting tired of Dr. Phil. He heard that he's selling some diet supplement pills now. He wonders why Dr. Phil has to sell all of this crap he's selling. He said maybe it's because he didn't get famous until late in life and he feels like he has to make all of this money now. Robin said it's like he thinks the bubble is going to burst and he's trying to take advantage of this popularity.
Howard talked about this Radio Music Awards show that was held the other day and how they gave Michael Jackson an award. Howard said that Casey Kasem also got a Radio Icon Award and all he does is count backwards. Howard mentioned some of the other lame awards that were given away.
Howard read that Artie is doing a show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Artie said he did the Jamie Kenedy Experiment but he didn't know Kathie Lee was in it. Howard was hoping he'd have a story about working with her but that didn't happen.
A listener called in and said he overheard Jackie out at a restaurant recently and overheard him saying that Howard never stuck up for him on the show. The guy said he spoke to Jackie about that and told him that Howard did stand up for him and he was full of it. Howard said he did stand up for him. Howard was about to start talking about the whole thing again but wondered who even cares anymore. Artie has been there for 2 years now.
Howard said they have Stone Cold Steve Austin, Guess who's the Mother Daughter Porn Star, 50 Cent, James Caan, Sean ''Puffy'' Combs and Bon Jovi all coming up on the show soon.
Howard played a new The Onion Radio News bit before going to break. That phony news bit was about how the Make a Wish Foundation got in trouble after a 12 year old kid crashed a Harrier jet when living out his dream to fly.
As Otto was getting situated he mentioned KC's gambling. That led to Howard reading an e-mail from someone who claimed to have seen him out in California taking his shirt off and acting like a big time gambler. KC said that's not true and he said the person must have been making it all up.
Howard took some calls early for Otto and George because he knows how freaked out he gets by them. People were telling Otto and George how much they suck right off. Howard bailed out on the calls shortly after that. Otto said that most of those callers never follow up on their threats. He said anyone who doesn't like him can show up at the Brokerage any time he's there and he'll deal with them there.
Howard asked Otto if he feels the same way that Carrot Top feels about novelty acts like theirs and how other comedians look down on them. Otto said he does feel that he's just a step above an accordion player. Howard took some more phone calls and let some other people go off on him. One guy had some nice things to say but even those didn't go over that well. He can't even take compliments the right way.
Howard took a call from Vin the Retard who has worked with Otto. He gave him a few compliments and said he really is a great guy. Vin also said that KC isn't that good at comedy because he doesn't seem to want to be a comedian. KC came in and said that he's just mad because he asked him to be on the show and he told him ''no.'' Vin said he's not mad at KC, he's mad at him. KC said he's not mad at him either but he has called him a bunch of times asking to get on his show. Vin seems to think KC doesn't want him on the show because he'd show him up. KC said that's not the case and he wants the audience to have a good time.
Howard gave Otto a few plugs for appearances he's making up in Boston and out on Long Island at The Brokerage every 1st Wednesday of the month. He also said you can get booking info at MillerComedy.com.
Howard brought up the fact that Rod Roddy from The Price is Right died. He had some tape of the guy doing his ''Come on down!'' lines on the show. Howard read an article about him and talked about the flamboyant clothes he used to wear. He suffered from colon and breast cancer.
Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) called in and said that Otto once walked off stage after 2 minutes of being heckled. Otto said that's never happened though. Sal was just busting his balls. Otto talked about some other shows he's done recently as well. He said he worked with Jackie the Joke Man and Pat Cooper. He also talked about using drugs a little bit and stuff like that.
Howard and Robin asked him if the puppet helps get women. He said he's even had the puppet sit in the room watching him have sex. Artie asked if women ever ask to use the puppet sexually. He said it doesn't happen except with Fred Norris' sister. He was making a joke of course. Howard had Robin start the news after that.
Howard started off the show playing a clip of his name being mentioned on Family Feud. The question was about funny talk show hosts and one of the contestants mentioned Howard's name after Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien and Rosie O'Donnell. Howard, Conan and Rosie weren't on the board. People like Jerry Springer and Wayne Brady showed up on the board instead of them.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who brought up Pamela Anderson and her Hepatitis C. She said that Pam mentioned something about living for another 10 to 15 years and how ridiculous that was to say. The woman said that if she took Interferon like everyone else, she could live much longer. Howard cut the woman off and asked her how what Pam does affects her life. She said that she had an opinion and she wanted to give it out on his show. Howard and the woman ended up arguing about whether or not they should have said anything about it or not. Howard said Pam is doing something different than what this woman is doing but that's her business. Howard got off the phone with her and moved on to more calls.
A caller said he ran into Tom Arnold at a World Series game. He saw that he was sitting a few rows behind where Artie sits. He said he bought Tom, a recovering alcoholic, a beer and seemed to think that was pretty funny. Howard said when guys like that go to baseball games don't want to be bothered by people like that. Howard said when he sees someone famous, he just takes a look to see what they look like in person and then leaves them alone. He said he doesn't bother them because he'd feel like a loser bothering them. Howard said he saw Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones on the street one day but he just left them alone. Robin said she saw Edie Falco out walking her dog one day but she also left her alone. Howard said Harrison Ford came up to him and told him he likes his work but that was it. He said he runs into Regis Philbin once in a while as well. They just say ''hi'' to each other and that's about it. He said he saw Kira Sedgewick one time but he didn't know what to do so he just kept walking. He doesn't know what to do with that so he just goes on. Robin said she saw Kathleen Turner walking with a cane the other day but she didn't say anything or even mention it on the air until today.
Howard talked about people who can't stand not being in the spotlight. He talked about hecklers in comedy clubs and how they're just angry and jealous that they're not the ones getting all of the attention. Howard spent a short time on that before taking his first break.
Howard said that Will, who works in the back office, had cancer when he was a kid so he went to the Make A Wish foundation. Will came in and told them about his battle with cancer from the age of 15 to 18. He said he had Hodgkins Disease... So Howard wondered why they have names for certain types of cancer. Howard got sidetracked after that and said he heard that Will's roommate walked in on him having sex with some girl. He also heard that he's in love so Howard told him to stop with that stuff. He told him to take it easy and back off a little bit. Howard told Will to bring her in there so they could look her over. Will said ''No way!'' for some reason. Howard asked him how he got her. He said that she's not even a fan of the show or anything, she was just a friend of a friend.
Howard heard that Will went to lunch with Artie and Artie ended up eating what Will didn't eat. Will said he offered him a little bit of it and he just kept going at it. Howard got back to Will's cancer and how much stuff he had to go through during that battle. He said he lost his spleen and had all kinds of treatments for the cancer. He also said that he had a 50/50 chance of living during that time so he was lucky that the cancer went into remission. He said he's had some discussions with Tom about cancer. He also said that he has to get a bunch of tests done regularly to make sure everything is still working okay. Will told Howard that he doesn't smoke at all but he does drink quite a bit.
Will said that when he did the Make a Wish thing he put down that he wanted to meet Howard Stern but they told him there was no way they could make that happen. Howard wondered why they would tell him something like that and spoil it for him. Will said he ended up writing Howard a letter instead and Howard called him at home. Will said he ended up getting a computer instead of getting to meet Howard in person. He said the Make A Wish people make the decision on what to give him. Howard said Bob Schimmel does a great bit about the Make A Wish thing since his son died of cancer. Bob says that he told them that his son wished that his father could bang Dolly Parton before he died.
Howard moved on to talk about this black kid in Queens who went to school and taped a picture of a gorilla scratching it's head on her binder. Her teacher walked by and asked her if she'd taped a picture of her family on her folder. The kid kept it quiet because the teacher asked her not to tell her parents. Then the kid told her parents and got the teacher in trouble. The teacher was reprimanded but is going to remain as the teacher. Howard and Robin seem to think that either the teacher or the student should be removed from that class. Howard and Robin talked about how that teacher never should have become a teacher.
Howard said maybe they could put the old CD library in his back office. That way they could run back there to get something. There was a wall in the studio where the bikini's are hanging that Howard suggested. Tom suggested rearranging the cart wall behind Fred and Gary suggested using the private bathroom. Howard changed subjects again and asked Tom about golfing a little bit. He also asked him if he went to Make A Wish when he had cancer. Tom said he never did that. Howard said he never even went to visit Tom when he was sick. He didn't want to hear about his cancer. Robin said she visited him and they talked about his cancer with her. He said they didn't discuss his cancer but Robin said they did. Robin said Tom would get very tired and worn out at lunch. Howard seemed to think that Robin wasn't really affected by the whole thing. Robin said she was saddened by his illness though. Howard apologized for not visiting him when he was battling cancer. He told him to give him a second chance by getting sick again. Tom said Howard didn't even call during that time but Howard said he did call. Tom said he called maybe one time.
Gary said he went to visit Tom as well. He and Robin argued about how many times they visited for a short time. Gary said he's been to Tom's house and he had a room that their bird pecked apart so they had to redo the whole thing. Tom said the bird knows how to say ''Baba Booey.'' Howard ended up talking about his apartment a little bit and ended up talking about having sex with Beth last night. He said she told him a story before they did it that made him finish even quicker than he usually does. He said she told him she knew it would make him finish fast and she was right. Howard said when Tom gets sick again, he's going to get him a woman. Tom said he's got a woman, his wife. Howard ended up asking Tom if he's still not masturbating since his battle with cancer. He decided to stop back then and claims that he gave up on masturbation after that. Howard tried to find out if he's still not pleasuring himself. Tom dodged all of the questions and tried not to answer him. Howard said Tom loves to read Playboy when it comes in. Gary said he likes to look at Maxim and FHM as well and they won't touch the magazine after Tom has had it.
Howard and the guys asked Tom what he discusses with his son about sex. Tom said he never talks about pleasuring himself with his son. He said he never talked to him about that subject. Howard wondered if he has broken his vow of not masturbating since he made it. Tom kept saying ''No'' in his monotone voice but the guys didn't seem to believe him. Howard said he had to pleasure himself on Friday night after going to Scores. He said Beth was annoyed with him for some reason so he had to beat one out in his bathroom. Howard wrapped up the segment shortly after that and took a break.
Howard said he watched the American Radio Awards and Casey Kasem looked awful. He said he can barely speak around those teeth he has in his mouth. They spent a short time on that before Mickey called in.
Mickey was on the line to talk about his book ''Ain't No Sense Worryin: The Wisdom of Mick ''the Quick'' Rivers.'' Howard said he heard that he has like 40 kids. Howard went on to ask Mickey about his career in football and then baseball. He said he injured his back playing football so he moved on to baseball. Howard asked him why people called him a ''Gozzle head.'' Mickey said it was just a nickname that came from the guys in the locker room. Howard said he thought it sounded a bit racial to him but Mickey said it wasn't like that. Mickey told them about some of the other nick names they had for some people. He said there was one guy they called Mail Box head and another one was Fence Post Lips. Artie seemed to find that one pretty funny. He was laughing hysterically after hearing that.
Howard moved on to ask Mickey about all of the money he made playing baseball. He was a millionaire at one point but he got married like 10 times and lost it all. Howard said you'd think that after 5 marriages you'd give up on that. Mickey said he got married at 19 or so for the first time. He got this girl pregnant right after high school. He said they didn't talk about rubbers back then so that's how he got this girl pregnant. He didn't seem to care about how many kids he had. Mickey said he thought he was going to pull out but it didn't always happen that way. Now he has 40 kids out there. Robin wondered how he sees all of those kids. Mickey said he just stays in one spot and lets them come see him. Howard asked if he knew all 40 of their names. Mickey said that he doesn't remember them after they turn 17 or 18. He said he gets birthday cards from his kids from all over the state. He said he stays pretty close with his kids. Howard and Robin wondered if anyone ever tries to fool him with other people's kids. Mickey told Howard that they did try to fool him one time with some other kids.
Howard read that one of Mickey's wives sold his World Series rings. He said she'd taken them and put them in a safe deposit box. When they got divorced, she sold them. Howard spent a little while talking about that and then gave him another plug for his book. Robin asked Mickey what age range his kids are. He said he has kids from the age of 10 to 37.
Howard gave Mickey a few plugs for his book and how to get into his baseball clinic. You can find out more by e-mailing ASaverino@aol.com. Howard took some phone calls for Mickey after that. A few people were goofing on Mickey. Some people said they couldn't understand a word he was saying. One guy asked him how long he had those baseballs in his mouth and if the book comes with an interpreter. A few other guys said that he sounded like a punch drunk boxer, not a former baseball player. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that.
Howard said he could barely understand half of what Mickey said. He asked Artie if his book is written in that voice. Artie said it is kind of like that. They all agreed that they have to get him to come in the studio to see what the guy looks like.
Howard said that they'll be talking to Matt Bon Jovi later in the show. He was calling him Matt Jovi for some reason. Artie said he met him and he is a good looking guy but he's not sure if he's as good or better looking than Jon Bon Jovi.
Howard played a new Crank Yankers phone call that they sent over from Comedy Central. In this call David Alan Grier calls a jewelry shop and asks for a ring that he has to get his girlfriend who is pregnant. When the woman tells him how much the ring is going to cost, he throws up... multiple times. She tells him some lower prices and he pukes again. He changed to a tennis bracelet and puked again when he heard the prices for those. The $7500 bill he was going to get made him puke even more. Howard and the guys thought it was pretty funny.
Howard said that Quentin Tarantino will be on the show tomorrow. Sean ''Puffy'' Combs will also be on. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about him and how he's denying having sweat shops making his clothing. Howard said that the shirts apparently cost him $.23 to make and they turn around and sell them for about $50.00. Howard said P. Diddy has said that he's going to put his foot up the ass of the person whose fault this is. Howard talked about that for a short time and then brought up Courtney Love who was arrested on drug charges the other day. Robin said that Courtney is getting charged but Rush Limbaugh isn't. She said that judge should think twice about Rush's case because it's going to look a little odd that Courtney is getting charged when she didn't even have as much as Limbaugh did.
Howard said he's going to a bulldog puppy match this weekend. He and Robin discussed that for a short time. Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be Rod Roddy's executive assistant. He started telling Howard his whole history so Howard asked him to get to a point. He said that Rod wanted to get a message out to people. The guy was going around in circles with his statement so Howard and Robin tried to get him to get to the point. He eventually said that Rod wanted to let people know that they really should get colonoscopy's done when they get to the right age. Howard said he has to get that done himself. He went on to talk about how great a job this guy must have had working with Rod Roddy. He asked the guy what kind of money Rod was pulling down on ''The Price is Right.'' The guy said it wasn't all that much for that show.
The guy said he's going to be making a documentary about Rod after he goes through about 400 tapes. He started to tell Howard that Rod was Howard Stern before Howard was even on the air. Howard ended up cutting him off by playing clips from the Price is Right. The guy said that he was paid by The Price is Right when he first started on the show but Rod paid him when he became his assistant. Howard wondered what he needed an assistant for. The guy started to tell Howard what he did for Rod but he was getting into far too much detail. He said he accompanied Rod to all of his doctor's appointments and stuff like that for the past two years. He also said that he was holding Bob Barker's cue cards when he worked on the show. Howard played some clips of Rod's replacement calling people to ''Come on down'' on The Price is Right. They talked about him for a short time as well. Howard said he could do that job himself. He demonstrated by doing some impressions of the guy. Howard said that he could call himself How Howie. He wondered what Rod's real name was. The assistant said that his birth name was Robert Ray Roddy.
Howard asked this guy what Rod's last words were to him. He said that Rod told him that he loved him. He said that the cancer was pretty bad and Rod was a very close friend of his. He said he's not gay though. He told Howard that his family had a history of cancer and he lost his mother and father to the disease. Howard asked the guy if Rod was gay. He said that he wasn't gay, he was a very shy, quiet guy. He said he and some of the models from the show were by his side. Howard wondered if the guy bored him to death. The guy wanted to say a few more things about going out and getting screened for this disease. Howard bailed out on the call a short time after that.
Matt said he went out on the road with Jon and the band early on as a production manager. He moved on to be the road manager and gets paid well. His brother is 13 years older than him. Howard asked him what it was like to have Jon as an older brother. He said it was pretty good. His whole family is involved in the band's business. He said his mother is in charge of the fan club. He said she was one of the early Playboy models and appeared in the magazine back in 1962.
Howard wondered if it's hard to see his brother having so much success. He said he doesn't have any resentment for him, he idolized him as a kid. Howard asked if it's difficult to see his mother enjoying her other son's success so much. He said it's tough sometimes and he has to remind her that he's there too.
Howard said that Matt is stepping out on his own and he just opened his own club. Matt said that it's a lounge that's pretty mellow. He said they have DJ driven music but it's set up like a hotel lobby bar. They have special drinks and hot chicks there. Howard said he's been to lounges but he's never sure what to do there.
Howard gave Matt a plug for the club which is called the Elements Lounge. It's located in Seabright, New Jersey. You can visit the web site at ElementsLounge.com. Matt told Howard that they've only been open a week and they've already had people banging in the bathrooms and stuff. Howard wished him luck with the place. He said that he knows the pain of living with other people's fame. He jokingly said that Robin is more famous than him and he has to live with that. He wrapped up the interview shortly after that.
Stone Cold Steve Austin came in to talk wrestling with Howard. Howard said that he looked a little out of shape this morning. Steve said that he quit wrestling and started drinking beer so he lost his physique. Howard said they have to talk about him getting married again too. Howard gave him advice about not doing that anymore but he went out and got married anyway. Steve said he's thinking of inventing a ring that dissolves after a certain amount of time since the marriages don't last all that long anyway.
Robin said that Steve did the wrong thing when he just stopped showing up to the WWE wrestling events. He didn't warn them or anything. Steve said it was a little more complex than that. He said he had problems with his legs and wondered how he was going to enjoy his money if he continued going in that direction. He said he had some neck injuries in the past and didn't want to get injured anymore. Steve said he felt he wasn't holding up all that well so he had to get out of there. Steve gave Howard the whole history of what was going on at the time. Howard wondered if he was jealous of The Rock's popularity. Steve said The Rock is a good friend of his and he's not jealous. He said he wishes him all the best.
Steve told Howard that the WWE guys wanted him to lose to some schlub and he didn't want to do it. He said Vince told him the scenario and he didn't want to do it. He said he told them that if they didn't change it he was going to leave. He said it would have made him look washed up if he'd done it. He said he has a say in some of that stuff. He said it all worked up to him leaving. He said the health problems and the story line weren't working for him so he was out of there. He said he was out of contact with those guys for 6 months or so. He said Jim Ross from the WWE contacted him and tried to work things out between Steve and Vince McMahon. He said about two months later he had a meeting with Vince and they worked things out.
Steve said that he gets paid to just sit around drinking beer now. Howard asked him about why he got married again even after he swore he'd never do that again. He did sign a pre-nuptial agreement this time. Steve said things can still get out of hand even with the pre-nup. He said he's single again but he does have a girlfriend.
Howard gave Steve a plug for his book ''The Stone Cold Truth'' and said he'll be signing copies at the Planet Hollywood in Times Square tonight. He moved on to talk to Steve about his girlfriend and what she's like for a short time. Howard and Artie brought up Goldust and goofed on him a little bit. Artie was doing his impression of him for a while.
Steve told Howard that the girlfriend is living with him so Howard told him he's got it all wrong. He told Steve that he has to get her to get a job or she'll drive him nuts.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people bring up some more stuff about Steve. One guy said Howard should ask Steve about being a wife beater. Howard asked him about that but Steve said he can't talk about it because there's a gag order on that subject. Howard took some more calls and heard from a guy who complained about Steve pouring beer on himself instead of drinking it on a WWE match. Steve said half of it goes in and half of it is for the entertainment part of the show. Howard took a few more phone calls and started to wrap up the interview. He gave him a couple more plugs for his book and the appearance he's making today at the Planet Hollywood.
Howard was talking up Gilbert saying that he's a ''comedian's comedian'' and stuff like that. He said Gilbert probably isn't a happy guy but he's probably happy that he has two free bottles of water today. Howard asked him what it was like in school for him and figured he was goofed on. He asked him if he was ''violated with pine cones'' like some kids out on Long Island were. Gilbert said they're probably working their way up to bowling balls.
Howard tried to get into Gilbert's head to find out what's going on in there. He found out that he's never really happy and he never looks in the mirror and thinks that he's good looking. Howard said he knows that Gilbert never really goes to a nice restaurant with his girlfriend or anything like that. Howard and Gilbert said that they've run into each other outside of the show and nothing goes very well. Artie said he saw them interacting at Howard's New Year's Eve party. Gilbert said that Howard's eyes were darting around like he was looking for an escape route though. Howard said they both probably felt the same way.
Stuttering John said he was traveling with Gilbert and he asked him to save this tiny little bottle of maple syrup that he didn't use. Howard asked Gilbert why he has to save stuff like that because he has plenty of money. Gary came in and said that he was out with them at dinner one night on the same trip and said he really wasn't hungry. He said he asked Gilbert if he just didn't want to pay and he smiled and laughed like it was true. The guys also said he went to Disneyland when they were on this trip so they asked him what he did there. Gilbert said he just walked around. Howard said he had to have gotten on a few rides there. The guys asked him if he really did go on any rides. Robin said Disneyland is a place for little kids so it is very odd that he'd go there by himself.
Robin said she heard Gilbert's voice coming out of her TV the other day and he was playing another bird in ''Cyber Chase.'' Gilbert said that he's still doing the Afflack duck as well. He saw a special on VH-1 about great commercials and they didn't mention his name once when they talked about the Afflack thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie bombed when Stone Cold Steve Austin was in. Howard thought Artie was funny though and didn't have anything bad to say about the impression he was doing of Steve. Howard took another call from a guy who wondered what was up with Gina Gershon and the ashes she was carrying around during the E! show last night. Howard told Gilbert about it and how awkward it was when she asked him to talk to the ashes.
Howard took some more phone calls and asked Gilbert about working with John Ritter. He asked if John was really the genius people are claiming he is. Robin asked him if he made him laugh all the time. Gilbert said he did work with him but just laughed when they asked him the questions. He said that he wasn't invited to his funeral. Howard took a couple more calls and then had Robin start her news. Gilbert stuck around to comment on the news and do his impressions during the whole segment. Gilbert is appearing at Caroline's (Carolines.com) on Broadway tomorrow night.
Howard wasn't even sure what day it was when he started the show. He said they had a lot going on though. He said he had a bunch of great tapes to play and a new ''Blast of History'' bit where he plays an old bit from the show. He said he had something from 2001 shortly after 9/11 where Robin confronted KC about how he ran out of the building when the attacks were going on. Howard played that and Robin went off on him about running out on them. KC yelled back at her and screamed at her to ''Shut up!'' many times. He even said he wished he could choke her to see the veins come up on her face. Howard said that was a great moment from the past. They talked to KC about that incident again and Howard called KC a pussy for running out of the building that day. KC said he knows he came across as a pussy but he was told he could leave if he wanted to that day. He said Tom told everyone that if they wanted to leave, they could. Howard said everyone else stayed that day though. KC ran home to his mother's house. Howard bragged that he stayed in Manhattan because he had no where else to go. Howard said KC went tanning the day after the attacks as well. He said on 9/11 he went home and hung out with his friends. He went tanning the next day. Howard continued to tell KC how crazy he looked that day for running out like that.
A listener called in and said that KC stands for ''Kan't Cope'' because of KC's poor spelling. Another guy told Howard that he'd want KC out of the building during something like that because of his wacky fantasies about killing people. He said he might just finish off the unfinished job or something like that. They also spent a short time talking about the war in Iraq when the caller mentioned that.
A listener called in and said that Steve Martin made some comments about Howard the other day and ''crushed him.'' Howard said he heard the tape of that interview and Steve was talking about how he listens to the show and talked about how they goof on celebrities in the news. The caller said that Steve sounded like he had some hate in his voice when he was talking about him but Howard said it was complimentary from what he heard. He figured the guy on the phone was just trying to get him pissed off.
Howard spent a minute reminding people to come down tomorrow for the big Most Tasteless Costume contest. They're going to pick a few people to come up to the studio to compete for a $5,000 prize. Howard was going to take a break but ended up talking to KC a little more about running out of the building on 9/11. KC said that he likes to be by himself during stuff like that and Howard likes to be in a place where he's in control so that's probably why he stayed. Howard asked him why John, Gary and all of the other guys stuck around. KC also said that he went down in the elevator with Stuttering John that day. Howard reminded him that John had to go pick up his daughter who was down in the Ground Zero area. John also came in the next morning unlike KC who stayed out on Long Island. They continued to goof on KC about the whole thing.
A woman from Seattle called in and said they were being a little harsh on KC. She said she was way out there in Seattle and she was scared. Robin said that they were saying that KC is like a weepy woman from the West Coast so that's not surprising. Howard told KC that now he can see that a girl feels the same way as he does.
A listener asked Howard what he thinks about what Arnold Schwarzenegger did when he went to Washington DC yesterday. Howard said he thought he handled it just fine and wondered what the guy expected him to do. The caller wondered why Arnold wasn't doing more there in California. Howard didn't know what the guy expected Arnold to do. He said he thinks that Arnold could pee on the fires to put them out. The caller also mentioned that they've moved Roy of Siegfried and Roy to another hospital.
Howard was going to go to break but KC said that he was just a bad employee that day. Robin ended up apologizing to KC for her outburst that day. She said she was going through something and she shouldn't have taken it out on him. KC said it was fine but it sounded like Robin was just trying to avoid getting put into KC's fantasies about killing people around him. Howard went to commercial break right after that.
Howard said he had a guy on the line who claims that he accepted an award for Howard at the Radio Music Awards the other night. The guy claims that he crashed the part and ran up on stage to accept the award for him. He said no one else was there to get it for him so he figured he could just run up. The guy said he has the certificate that they gave out. The caller said that he got some autographs on the back of it. He said he got Ryan Seacrest and Coolio to sign it and Seacrest was the one who started it. Howard said he didn't even know he was up for an award. Howard went on to talk about that award show and how bad Jewel's snaggle tooth looks. He said he liked Avril Lavigne's performance of ''Knockin' on Heaven's Door.'' Howard said Michael Jackson got some lame award and he looked really strange. He said he thinks that he has some new implants in his face or something and he's looking like Sponge Bob Square Pants. He talked about Casey Kasem's trouble speaking through those teeth of his. He said it's like his big, white Chicklet teeth are rattling around in his head. He said it looks like his head is caving in around those teeth as well.
The caller who got Howard's award said he'd like to bring the award into him. Howard said he really doesn't even care about the award. He also couldn't believe that they just let someone like that take it like he did. The guy said he'd bring it down to the studio for him. Howard said he keeps his awards around since he gets so many of them. He said he keeps them around to impress chicks. Howard said that he knows that Sam Simon has like 11 Emmys lining his office. Artie said he thinks that it's actually 13. Howard said he needs them though because no one knows who he is. Gary came in and said that he doesn't just have Emmys on his wall, he has a ton of other awards as well. They talked about how Sam worked on a lot of great shows so he has a lot of awards. Howard asked him if he knew of any good writers for his new cartoon but Sam didn't help him out. Howard talked about how Sam got married to a nurse who helped him out when he was very sick. They also talked about Sam's Black AmEx card and all of the sitcoms that Sam has worked on.
Howard tried to look over at Artie but there was a serving tray in his way. He moved it and found that there was another award under that from some soldiers who are over in Iraq. Howard asked Artie not to put his food tray on his awards. He wondered if Sam Simon would put an award like that on his wall. The guys figured he probably wouldn't because it's not big enough.
Gary told Howard that Quentin Tarantino was in a little early. Gary said that Quentin was talking about doing Ecstasy when he was filming ''Kill Bill.'' Howard said he wants to hear about that stuff when he comes in.
A caller asked Howard if he's going to have Marilyn Manson on his show anytime soon. Howard said he'd have him on but the last time he was in town he didn't come in. The caller also asked Howard if he's going to have David Bowie on. Howard said Bowie offered to do the show but he won't perform his classic material so he doesn't want that. He started playing some classic Bowie songs and said that's what he wants to hear. He has a new program on his computer that allows him to play like 8000 different songs. He pulled up some Sting songs to demonstrate it for Robin. Robin also asked for some Jimi Hendrix. Howard couldn't find Hendrix so he played ''Herdy Gerdy Man'' instead. He had Fred play their version of the song as well. Howard and The Losers version was a little more rockin than the original. He took a break right after that.
Howard asked Tarantino when the sequel to his movie comes out. He said that's happening in February. He and Howard talked about the movie and how it was supposed to be one movie, about 4 hours long. Robin jokingly said that they looked at the movie and said it would be too much torture for the audience to sit through. Quentin asked Robin what it was that she didn't like about it. Robin said that she didn't like the fact that there was no character development and there wasn't enough of an explanation about the main character in the movie. She and Quentin discussed that and Robin wondered why she was at the theater at all. She said she didn't buy that any of the stuff in the movie could possibly happen. The two of them ended up yelling a little bit but it wasn't really in anger. They seemed to be having fun with it all. Tarantino wondered what you need to know about characters in a revenge movie. She continued to bad mouth the movie so Howard tried to give some positive feedback about it.
Howard told Tarantino that he's dying to know why this woman is out for revenge. He can't wait to see the rest of the story. Howard said he was riveted through the whole movie. Robin said she'll go to see the second movie because she feels that she's ''owed a movie.'' Tarantino said Robin has to pay for that one because of all of the crap she was giving him. He said he's not going to let her into the Howard Stern screening. He's going to have security keep her out of it.
A couple of callers had some nice stuff to say about his movie. One guy said that the real reason Robin is mad is because he revived John Travolta's career. Howard said he's got some issues with that as well.
Howard asked Quentin if he got anything off of Uma Thurman when they were working in China. He said that he wasn't going to tell him anything but then said that he didn't have sex with Uma. He said she was married at the time and he wouldn't do that. He said he's known Uma for a long time and they're very good friends. Howard said he knows what happens with directors and their stars and they probably are in love. Howard said he fell in love with Betty Thomas who directed his movie ''Private Parts.'' He said he didn't bang her but he did have a tough time leaving the set when they were all done. Quentin said he has been in love with Uma since he met her but it's no about having sex with her. He said they have something special together and they've had that since Pulp Fiction. Howard asked him if he'd make his move on her if Ethan Hawke wasn't in the picture. Quentin told Howard that ''the train has passed'' on that so it won't happen.
Howard said he had tape of Gary Garver interviewing Quentin one time. He played the tape and Garver asked him about Roman Polanski receiving an award and then defended Polanski about raping a 13 year old. Quentin said that he doesn't consider him as a rapist because it was statutory rape. He didn't really ''rape'' her, he just had sex with a minor. He explained what he thought about that and how he was labeled as a rapist because of that. Quentin said that the 13 year old was down with it and wanted it so he didn't really rape her. He said it was a technicality that she just happened to be 13. Howard read from some transcripts from the trial and it sounded like the 13 year old didn't want it. She claims that she said ''no'' to him when he was coming on to her. Quentin seems to think that she was just saying all of that because she was in trouble with her mother. He was taking Polanski's side for some reason. Gary, Howard and Robin all ganged up on Tarantino and tried to convince him that the 13 year old was raped. He didn't agree with that though and defended Polanski's actions. Howard asked him why he's such a fan of his. He wondered if it was because they're both directors or something. Quentin wondered when Howard and Robin became so ''Bill O'Reilly-ish.''
Howard changed subjects and asked Quentin about his Ecstasy use. Quentin said he doesn't do it that often. They only spent a minute on that before taking some phone calls. A woman called in and agreed with Quentin's views on the whole thing and the girl was a party girl and seemed like she wanted it from him.
Howard got back to the Ecstasy discussion after that. Quentin said that he did an interview with Playboy and talked about it there. He usually doesn't talk about it with other people but he would do it on Howard's show. Howard interrupted that again to talk about Quentin being drunk on The Tonight Show. Quentin said that he went to The Tonight Show and hadn't had anything to eat. He said he had a couple of apple martinis while he waited to go on and he got a little drunk. He said the interesting thing was that when he walked out of the green room he was still pretty sober. From the time he walked out of there to the time he got on stage is when everything hit him at once. He said he didn't know he was drunk until he opened his mouth. He said that was the way they used to do The Tonight Show back in the 70's so he thought it would be cool. Then Jay cut him off when he wanted to talk about why he was drunk. Howard goofed on Jay about that a little bit. Quentin thought that it was all pretty amusing.
Howard had Quentin talk about the Ecstasy thing again. Quentin was rambling a bit about going to Bejing and how free the people over there seem to be even though they're under Communist control. He said there are lots of bars and stuff over there so it's pretty easy to do stuff like that. Howard asked Quentin if Uma gets all crazy on the drug but he said she wasn't on anything like that.
Howard took some more phone calls for Quentin. Another guy said that Robin was out of her mind about the movie and he liked it. He said he can see why they cut it short though because he couldn't handle 3 hours of that. Howard said he could have handled 4 hours of the movie though. Another caller said he saw Quentin out on the street one time and he was drunk then. Howard said he gets drunk once in a while as well so it wasn't that big of a deal.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that ''Reservoir Dogs'' was one of the greatest films ever. Howard said he didn't agree with that though and didn't get into Tarantino until ''Pulp Fiction.'' Chaunce also asked Quentin if he hates Oliver Stone for screwing up Natural Born Killers. Quentin said he did hate him for a while. Chaunce also asked him if he thinks that Guy Richie is ripping off his style of movie making. Howard barely let him answer and said that Guy Richie doesn't make good movies. Tarantino also talked about his lies about being in the movie ''Dawn of the Dead.'' He quickly talked about how he made up all kinds of lies about working in the movie after seeing someone who looked a little bit like him. A woman asked Quentin if he has a foot fetish or something because he shows a lot of foot shots in his movies. He said all of the foot shots in ''Kill Bill'' are justified and none of them are just for beating off.
Howard asked Quentin how many times he's done Ecstasy. He said he's done it a few times and has banged some chicks while on it. He said everything is enhanced when you're on the drug. He said even a Tootsie Roll becomes amazing when you're on E. He said he's been to some parties where there's all kinds of fondling going on while people are on E. Howard said that's what he wanted to know about.
Howard said he's going to go see the second part of ''Kill Bill'' when it comes out. He also said he'll see the first one again. Robin said he won't do that though. Quentin suggested that he go to a paying theater to see the movie with a real crowd instead of the screening he saw. Howard said that's not going to happen.
Howard told Quentin that he has decided to make his second film and they're in the development of it now. He said he's not going to reveal the details yet though. He said he'll have an announcement in a couple of weeks. He said everything will be set in one film though. He wrapped up the segment right after that.
Captain Janks has been going crazy with phone calls lately and has been making even more prank calls lately. Howard had a new one where he calls as an emergency management guy from California by the name of Mark Mercer, (Janks told me he just happened to be surfing my site when he made the call so he ''accidentally'' used my name.) and then tells them about how people should evacuate and stuff like that. He sounds very legitimate when he's doing this stuff so the news Anchors fall for it immediately. Janks has them along for the prank for a couple of minutes until he tells them that people should listen to Howard Stern if they get bored out there. The male anchor went off on Janks for his call. Janks was on the line a minute later to talk about his call. Howard told Janks how great a guest he was on the show. Janks said he feels that he was better at doing that than a real guy from the emergency management would have been. Janks had another call he wanted Howard to play but Howard said he didn't have time to do it.
Howard played a clip of Ellen Degeneres talking about a letter she got from a fan telling her how great she was. Howard goofed on that a minute before moving on to the Smartest Stripper game.
Howard sent Roxanna to Robin's isolation booth so they could ask Iliana her questions. Once she was set Howard asked her the following questions. Here's how she answered:
Howard gave the ScoresChicago.com web site a plug and said that Scores of Manhattan is coming soon. He said he can't wait for that. Howard wanted to give Roxanna a prize for coming in but she didn't seem interested in a digital camera or a PDA. He ended up giving her a ladies watch from Steven Singer Jewelers in Philadelphia. Howard spent another minute with them before taking another break.
Howard started singing the P. Diddy song as he got him on the line. Howard told him that he really does sing that song to himself sometimes. He also said that he sings some Christina Aguilera song and David Bowie stuff as well. Howard went on to say that he saw P. Diddy on the Radio Music Awards and he had like 50 other black guys up on stage with him. Howard and Robin talked about Nelly and Usher a little bit before getting back to P. Combs said that he's been working out a lot lately and he's been running quite a bit. He said that he can run the mile in about 6:30 or so.
Howard said he read that Combs is worth about $293.7 million according to Forbes magazine. Combs said that's only if he sold off all of his companies and stuff. He changed subjects and told Howard about this charity run he's doing and how you can find out more about it. You can check out DiddyRunsTheCity.com or call 877-RUN-DIDDY for more info. Combs told Howard about how much money Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck contributed. They also talked about some of the other celebrities who have pledged some money.
Combs went on to talk about where the charity money is going and how they're going to help the children of New York City. That led to Robin asking Combs about the story that he has people working in sweat shops making his clothes. Combs said that he's not going to tolerate that and he has a team investigating the claims. He said he won't tolerate the mistreatment of employees. Howard told him he wants to be there if he does end up putting his boot up someone's ass like he said he would. Combs said he's not taking all of this stuff lightly. They're going to address it immediately.
Combs said that he hasn't had sex in two weeks while he's training for this marathon. He said he won't have any body guards during the run but there will be a couple of New York City Police keeping an eye on him. Combs talked about all of the stuff he's doing to prepare for the run. He also said that the marathon is this coming Sunday so anyone who wants to watch can come out then.
Howard and Robin asked Combs if everything is good with his name change. Combs said he likes it but in the end he'll probably end up using his ''Government name'' of Sean.
King of All Blacks called in and said that Diddy and J-Lo were on another radio station talking and giggling together. Howard said he thinks there's still something going on there. Diddy said that he only has eyes for his current girlfriend. King of all Blacks told Diddy that he is a pledge for this run of his. He and Diddy spent a couple of minutes talking to each other.
Howard gave Combs a few more plugs for this run and for the MTV Special they're running tonight called ''Diddy Runs the City.'' He wrapped up the call after that.
Stuttering John said that Artie's eating is out of control. Yesterday they were supposed to go out to eat with Robin but Artie couldn't wait. He had to go to the diner and have some eggs, Coca Cola, potatoes, bread and more. Then they went to lunch an hour later and he had Filet Mignon, more bread and a bunch of Cokes and some other stuff. Robin said Artie was the only one who ordered desert after that. He was dipping cheese cake in a souffle and stuff like that. Howard wondered if he was trying to kill himself or something. Artie said that he's tired when he leaves the show and has to eat.
Robin said that Artie did tell her that he may have eaten too much. Artie said that on his way home he almost had a problem on the ferry. He said he almost had a ''Robin Quivers'' moment with diarrhea. He said he didn't eat anything the rest of the night because he was feeling kind of sick.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered if Howard would ever do Sharon Osbourne's show. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen unless he's promoting something. He doesn't do any talk shows unless he's doing promotion. He had to take another break after that.
Howard read some e-mail about yesterday's show when they had Mickey Rivers on the show. A lot of people liked the guy as a guest even though he was tough to understand. Howard got another e-mail from a guy who wondered why Howard has become Dr. Phil's bitch. The guy seems to think that Howard isn't allowed to play the Dr. Phil tapes on his show anymore. Howard said he doesn't know what the guy was talking about because he's the only one saying anything about that guy and he does play his tapes.
Howard said the e-mailers were split on Gilbert Gottfried being on the show yesterday. There are also people who complained about Artie's impressions that he does on the show. Howard read one about Robin talking about teachers during the news. She was saying that teachers are dumb people. A few people went off on her about that but Robin stood her ground. Howard had her start her news a short time later.
Howard said he was outside and saw some of the costumes that people were wearing outside for the costume contest they have today. He said he saw Mariann from Brooklyn down there holding a dildo. Howard said you forget how pretty she is. He said you forget how hot she is when you hear her voice. Artie said she hugged him back stage one night when he saw her at a gig one time and he was getting aroused. He didn't do anything with her though. Artie started to goof on her voice a little bit comparing it to Brian Jones from AC/DC.
Howard said he's been testing out this new cell phone and he's loving it. It's a Handspring Treo and he said it's probably really good but he can't figure it all out yet. He said it has a phone, camera, AOL Instant Messenger, games and all kinds of other stuff. He said he took a picture of Cabbie out in the hall. He demonstrated the photo taking capability to Robin but told her he doesn't know where the pictures go. He said he doesn't want to read the manual for it, he wants someone to teach him how to use it. He told Robin about the games on the thing and that he tried to play it but didn't know how to shoot stuff in the game. Cabbie tried to convince him to buy a Blackberry but he likes this one. The time on it wasn't right but he didn't even know how to get that set right.
Crazy Cabbie came in and said he researches this stuff so he knows all about these things. He said since he quit using drugs he's been buying phones. Cabbie was telling Howard about how great his Blackberry is and how it has the same features as this Treo that Howard has. Howard thought Cabbie was lying about having some of the features.
Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard about a phone that he likes. He knows a lot about phones as well and told Howard that the Treo is the best one out there. Artie wondered what the chances were of Vinnie telling Howard that something he has is the best. Vinnie said that he buys a phone about once a month so he knows a lot about them.
Howard asked Cabbie if he was worn out after doing the night shift. Howard said he's all pumped up and full of energy after doing that. He talked about that with Cabbie for a short time. Gary said that Cabbie always has something to say to them when they walk in first thing. He tells them ''Happy Halloween!'' or ''Got the new Slayer record!'' and stuff like that. Howard and Gary said it's probably because he hasn't seen a human being for hours working overnights at the station. Cabbie said he doesn't plan on staying the overnight guy but he doesn't mind doing it for now.
Cabbie and Howard talked about last night's ''Survivor'' and how great it was. Howard also talked about how bad ''Friends'' was. Cabbie told Howard he's like a woman watching a show like that. Cabbie said he's never seen one episode of that show. Howard said he was watching that show with his girlfriend laying next to him in her panties. Cabbie said he had his girlfriend in her panties as well. He showed Howard the pictures he'd taken with his cell phone. He had an ass shot and a boob shot that he was showing the guys.
Robin told Howard that she went to see ''The Matrix: Revolutions'' last night. Howard wondered why he wasn't invited. Gary told him he got an invite a couple of weeks ago. Robin said the movie was great and it even made her want to go see the second one even though that one was horrible. She told everyone to ''Run, don't walk'' to see the movie when it comes out. They spent a minute on that and then got back to the phone discussions.
Howard said that Vinnie wants to load up his Apple iPod with some music he has. He said he has no desire to wear headphones and listen though, he wants to hook the iPod up to his stereo system. Gary told him that's a great idea and he can do that. Howard took a phone call during the discussion from a guy who just wanted Howard to start the show already. He told Howard that he can't do anything funny anymore and the only reason he listens to the show is because it's like a car wreck. Howard told him to go listen to something else on another station.
A couple of other people complained about the discussions they were having on the show. One guy also pointed out the fact that Cabbie has had anal sex and he's telling Howard he's a woman for watching ''Friends.'' Howard said that's a good point and ended up talking to Cabbie about the anal and the oral he's performed on guys. Cabbie said the funny thing is that he's never kissed a guy. They goofed on him a little bit about that before taking a commercial break.
Howard said he was mentioned on ''The View'' the other day but it's obvious that Star Jones doesn't want his name to be brought up on their show. Howard said Merideth Viera was going to say something about him but Star stopped her. Howard played tape of it and Merideth was talking about Jessica Simpson and how dopey she is about Tuna and Chicken of the Sea. Now the tuna company wants her to be their spokesperson. During that discussion Viera brought up Howard's name which brought the show to a screeching halt. Howard said that he'd rather listen to a dumb blonde like Jessica than listen to the women on ''The View.'' Howard said they're probably not much smarter than Jessica Simpson either but they're sitting there talking about her being dumb. Howard said it's like the guys on ''Inside the NFL'' and how they goof on other athletes who don't know what the DC in Washington DC stands for. Meanwhile, Dan Marino didn't know what a pentagon was.
Howard took a call from a guy who pointed out how dopey the guys on ''Inside the NFL'' show are. Howard ended up talking about how he's not accepting their apology either because it was so lame. Howard complained about them lifting one of his bits directly from the show. They did a 2 second apology for stealing his stuff. The caller said that he was on the street the other day and Dominic Barbara asked him what he was listening to on the radio. When he told him he was listening to Howard, he introduced himself as the fat lawyer. Howard said there's a lot of that stuff going on and he has to put a stop to his relationship with dominic. He said that he's going to stop going to these things with him. He said he did sent a gift to Dominic's son for his wedding but he won't be showing up at the wedding.
A listener called in and said that he dated Beth when he was in 10th grade. He told Howard that she was a senior when he was a sophomore. He told Howard that he went to the homecoming dance with her and she did oral on him. He said she moved on after school and didn't keep in touch. Beth called in a minute later and said that she never dated anyone by the name of Drew. Drew said that his real name was John but she said she didn't date a John either. Beth told Howard that he was lying and she dated the same guy through high school. She said she wouldn't have dated a 10th grader when she was a senior. He didn't know her brother's names either so it was obvious that he didn't know her. Howard told Beth that the thought of her with this guy made him sick. Beth wanted him to hang up on the guy but he hung in there for some reason. He was really annoying so Howard finally got him off the line.
Beth asked Howard if he was going to change his mind and go to the Halloween Party they were going to. Howard said he wasn't sure he was going to go or not. He said he doesn't know if he's going or not. He said he was invited to this party and had costumes picked out. Stuttering John came in and said that he's going to the party as Norm Zadeh from Perfect 10 magazine. Howard said his daughter came up with an idea for a costume that was really funny so he was going to do it. Now he's thought about it and isn't sure if he wants to walk around in the costume. He was supposed to go to dinner but he'd have to wear the costume. Now he doesn't want to do it. John and Robin said he really should go out in it. He said Beth is going to look really cute in her half but he's going to look ridiculous. Artie said he was going to go but he may go visit some friends. He said his costume was going to be a pair of slacks and a t-shirt and say that he's Tony Soprano.
Howard eventually said he was going to go as ''Hooters Girls'' so he'd have fake boobs under his shirt the whole night. That's why he'd be so embarrassed. He said he'd have a blonde wig and big boobs with make up on. Everyone told him he has to do it after hearing that idea. Howard said Beth is going to look great and he's going to look horrible. Howard said his ass is going to be showing in the short shorts and his cellulite will be hanging out. Gary said he wondered why he asked for Hooters shirts recently. Howard told everyone how ridiculous he was looking in the tight shorts. He said he figures it'll be funny when he first walks in but it'll get old after that. The guys told John that going as Norm Zadeh is really kind of dumb because no one knows who he is.
A listener asked Howard was the deal was with the story he told about Beth the other day where she made him finish really quick when they had sex. Howard was going to tell a story about Beth being in a car with some other models and how they had a conversation about having sex with other guys and girls. Howard said Beth told him that she was thinking about having another girl in bed with them sometime so he ended up finishing really quick when they had sex that night. She said she made it all up just to prove that she knew that he would finish really quick. She said she laughed after he finished and said she knew that was going to happen. The guys asked Beth if she would actually do that with Howard. She said she doesn't think so. Howard spent a few minutes talking about all of that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he was going to go to this costume party dressed as Rush Limbaugh. He described the costume but Gary said that's what he did last weekend. Howard and Dominic talked about the wedding that Howard isn't going to. Dominic said that he'd see him tonight but Howard said he doesn't want him in his life anymore. He doesn't want him at the party.
Gary isn't going to the costume party that everyone else is. He said he has to spend time with his kids. Howard told him that he should just come in for a couple of hours. Gary said he just wants to spend it at home though.
A caller told Howard that he was heading to work at Roosevelt High School and asked for a prize. Howard told him he deserves something for working at that school but he didn't have an iPod to give him. Howard and Gary talked about how bad the school was and still is to this day. Howard ended up giving him a prize of a trip to Los Angeles after Gary told him they had it. Then Howard found out the prize was already given away but Gary didn't know about that. He told him to go straighten out his people back in the office. He
Beetlejuice was up there as well so Howard brought him in while Gary picked out the contestants for the contest. Beetlejuice was going to come in but KC told him that Beetle was in the bathroom on the toilet with his costume laying on the floor. Beetle told KC to tell him that he'd be there in a couple of minutes. Howard told KC to go help him clean up. KC said he didn't think Beet knew how to clean himself up. KC took a wireless microphone down to the bathroom and tried to talk to him. Beet told him to get out and he'd be right with him. The toilet flushed a few seconds later. Beet went over and washed his hands so Howard had KC ask him if he used toilet paper. Beet responded with a ''Hell yeah!'' He cursed a few seconds later so Howard had to cut the microphone off.
Howard spent some time talking to Artie about his lunch yesterday. He actually had two lunches again. Howard had to cut that off because Beetlejuice came in dressed in a firefighter's outfit carrying a bottle of mustard. Howard told Beetle that it was all KC's idea to go in the bathroom with the microphone. He ended up cursing again. Howard asked him not to do that but he cursed again a few seconds later. Robin asked him if he's going trick or treating tonight. He said if he did, he'd steal all of the kid's money. Beetle said he's going to be at a party for his manager's wife tonight.
Howard asked Beetle what happened with Babyjuice. Beetle said she'd done and she's gone. He told Howard that he spoke to her sister and then rambled something about saying if she had the money, she was done. Not making much sense as usual. Howard asked Beetle if he's getting his teeth fixed like he heard. Beet said he is getting them fixed and he needs false teeth. Howard told him not to get them done because he'd ruin himself. Howard gave Beetlejuice a plug for an appearance he's making in Philadelphia on November 15th. He said you can find out more at JollyDwarf.com.
Howard moved on to the contestants for the Most Tasteless Halloween Costume contest. Gary brought in the first contestant but they were having trouble with the microphone. They got that straightened out and introduced the first contestants. They were dressed up as Elizabeth Smart and her kidnapper. They made out a little bit to make it even more tasteless. The next contestant was a guy dressed up as the Mepham High student who had pine cones and golf balls shoved up his ass. Howard spoke to each of them for a few seconds as they were introduced. Next up was Robin Quivers Doody Legs. Howard reminded everyone that she had an accident when she went jogging out in California a few weeks back. Howard then brought in the next one which was Joey Boots as Baby Connor and Lacy Peterson... He gargled some water when he asked Lacy to say something. He had concrete blocks on him and the fake baby. Next up was a World Trade Center victim. He was covered in soot and looked like a mess. Next up was a guy dressed as a doctor with Kobe Bryant's rape victim. Howard said it was very offensive. The last one was a guy who was dressed as a horny priest with a real baby. Even Beetlejuice knew that was really offensive. He asked the guy if he was out of his mind.
Howard was about to judge the contest but KC brought in one last guy. He had no legs and said he was the only surviving victim of Jeffrey Dahmer. He had no legs or hands. The guy said that he was actually born like that. Howard said he didn't know how to judge the contest because everyone was so good. He told them that they all did a great job. Howard said he liked the football player with the pine cones, the Kobe Bryant victim and the World Trade Center victim. Robin said she liked the guy with the Kobe Bryant victim and the fake blood. Howard said that Gary was actually the most offensive even with all of the other costumes that were in there. Beetlejuice said he was offended by the guy with the baby. Howard said he might have to go with the Kobe Bryant guy as well. The high school football guy was also up there. Howard had to go to Artie for a tie breaker. He had to go with the Kobe Bryant guy. He thought he was the most offensive. That guy ended up winning after two votes.
Two guys from MyGaydar.com came in to present the winner with his $15,000 prize money. The guys talked about their gay web site and how they help people hook up with other gay guys. They talked about how the site works and then Beetle interrupted and said that KC is gay and he should go on the site. Howard asked Beet if he'd been on the site but he stuck to the KC stuff and said he's seen him on there before. He was all wound up for some reason. Joey Boots asked for a consolation prize so the guys from MyGaydar.com said that they'd give everyone $100 for coming in. Joey was upset because he had an $800 phone bill he couldn't pay. He started yelling and said it wasn't their fault but he has the bill from calling the show all the time. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Howard asked Caan about being friend with John Gotti. Caan said that he only met him once so he wasn't really his friend. He said he has other friends who may have been in the mob though. Howard said that one guy came up to him once and told him that if he ever needed a ''favor'' he'd take care of him. He said he felt like he was in a movie or something when that happened. Howard said he knew what was going on and said he didn't need a favor.
Howard asked Caan how many Oscars he's won. He said he hasn't won any and telling the Academy to screw off probably didn't help things. Howard said he should have gotten one for ''Misery'' at least. Kathy Bates got one. Caan told Howard he was brilliant in his movie too. Howard moved on to some other stuff and said that Caan has been married 4 times. They talked about his 5 and 7 year old kids and the new wife a little bit.
Howard said he read that James had 18 centerfolds at the Playboy mansion. Caan said he doesn't know the exact number but it was something like that. Caan told Howard about how he got divorced from his son Scott's mother. He went on to talk about how great his son is as an actor. He also said he was very hurt when he got divorced from that woman. He said that they got married too quickly and that's why it didn't work out. He told Howard that he never dates an actress because it's like taking a poison pill. Caan said he moved to the Playboy manson and had his own room there. He wouldn't talk about any single woman though. He said he never mistreated any woman he was with... except for the women he divorced.
Howard asked Caan about his TV series ''Las Vegas'' (Monday nights at 9pm on NBC) and how that has been. He said that it's kind of tough with the hours they work. Howard asked him about working with Molly Sims. They discussed her for a short time. Howard wondered if he was getting irritated with all of the work he's doing. Caan said that he has 4 wives to pay off so he has to work. He said he made over a million bucks for ''Elf.'' Artie said he made $5000 for his scene. He didn't complain because it was just one day of work.
Robin asked Caan if he still pleasures himself. He asked if they could have a private discussion about that. Howard went on to ask James what it was like to work with Will Ferrel. He told Howard about that a little bit and said Will was a good guy. Howard tried to find out if he does pleasure himself when he's alone on a movie set like that. He wouldn't admit to having done that so Artie said he actually did that up there when they were shooting it. Howard told Caan about how he had to whack off a couple of weeks back when he got home drunk and his girlfriend wouldn't let him do anything.
Howard read that James was good friends with John Gotti but Caan said that he didn't attend his trial like some people reported. Howard read that he didn't smoke pot until he was 24 years old. He got into coke a little bit as well.
Howard asked Caan to tell Bob Newhart to go F himself when he sees him again. They also talked about Mary Stenburgen who is in the movie with Caan. Howard said he finds her ''oddly attractive'' for some reason. Caan said that he thinks she's very attractive in a classic sense.
Howard took some phone calls for James and let some guys ask him some questions. One guy asked about Godfather 3 and what he thought about that movie. Caan said Coppola had gone through some rough stuff around that time. He said the movie wasn't all that great. Another woman got upset with Robin for asking Caan about pleasuring himself. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she saw James when she was down there and he looks great. Howard asked him how he stays that good looking. He said he's never had a face lift or anything but he did have a couple of hair transplants done at one point. Howard spent a couple more minutes with him and then wrapped up the interview. He thanked James for not hitting him while he was there.
Daniel Carver from the KKK is very close in the pool with Artie. He was on the line next and gave his pick of the Philadelphia Eagles. Howard talked to Daniel about his racist comments about the ''Atlanta Falcoons'' and stuff like that. Howard also asked Daniel what he thought about the fact that the white announcer for The Price is Right died and they replaced him with a black guy. Daniel said that's just the ''American way.'' He didn't seem too upset because he said his whole family is still all white. Robin told him that he's not all white because he does have some American Indian in him. They found that out when they did a DNA test on him. Daniel went off on the Jews and how they're the devil and rambled on how they're taking over the country. Artie gave his pick of the Minnesota Vikings before Howard wrapped up the call with Daniel. Here are the standings so far:
Jeff the Drunk called in to tell Howard that he was upset about his life. He lost his job stamping hands at some place so he was really upset. He was looking for some work and asking for some gigs where he can make appearances. He got so upset when Howard told him to get a job that he hung up on him. Howard had them get him back on the line a couple of minutes later. Jeff was pissed with the whole thing so he only stayed on the line a short time before hanging up again. He told Howard he had to get a ride to go to the store to get some cigarettes. Howard told him that maybe he should stop with the cigarettes. Jeff got irritated again and hung up. Robin got back to her news shortly after that.