Howard said he went to a place called Boulet on Saturday night. Artie said that Howard goes to a different place every week. Howard told him that's what New York is all about. There are a lot of different places to check out and he wants to check them out before the Arabs nuke the city. He then read an article about how there was a nuclear threat to New York City last fall. Robin told him it turned out to be a hoax but Howard said he's thinking of leaving the city.
Howard took a phone call from some guy who got a copy of the ''FHM'' magazine that Howard's girlfriend is in. Howard said they were in contact with the ''FHM'' people over the weekend and it turns out that the magazine isn't supposed to be out yet. There was apparently a truck stolen that had the magazines in it and they were released early. They're kind of upset about that because it screws up their marketing for the magazine.
Robin told Howard she read in ''Parade'' magazine that Howard is making $36 million. Howard said he saw that and there's no way he's making that much money. He's second only to Britney Spears in the article. Howard said he knows that he doesn't make that kind of money but he believes that Britney is making what they claim. He read through some of the other stuff in the article and read them to Robin.
Howard said he went to Jon Bon Jovi's 40th birthday party over the weekend. He said he was dressed inappropriately for the party though. He was wearing shirt and pants because he didn't know what dress like ''Tarts and Vicars'' meant on the invitation. He said the guys were dressed like priests and the women were dressed almost like hookers. Howard said it was Jon's wife who set up the party, it wasn't Jon's idea to dress like that.
Howard left the party early so he could go to an Alien Ant Farm concert which he really enjoyed. He described what went on at the concert and played a few clips from their CD ''ANThology.'' Howard said that Booker the DJ was out with him at the concert too. Booker called in and the two of them talked about how crazy the people were at the concert. Howard also brought up Booker's girlfriend Linda Lopez, Jennifer's sister.
Booker brought up Howard's girlfriend's ''FHM'' layout which led to Howard telling a story about what he did with the magazine. He said he was getting turned on looking at it and he started to have phone sex with Beth. He told her he was going to finish himself off on the magazine but she figured if he's going to do that he might as well just do her. Howard said she rushed over to his apartment and they ''got crazy'' with each other before his kids came over. Howard asked some of the other guys if they've whacked off to Beth's image but everyone was denying it. Howard said since he started dating Beth he's only done himself about 3 times... in about 2 years. Booker found that hard to believe but Howard said he's not ashamed to admit that stuff so he's telling the truth.
Howard asked Booker if he's ever fantasized about getting his girlfriend Linda and her sister in bed at the same time. Booker claims he's never thought about that because it would be wrong. Howard didn't seem to believe that though.
Howard brought up Crazy Cabbie and said that he hasn't heard from him lately. He stopped calling him and he doesn't even call into the show. Howard said he's now calling Artie asking to double date with him and his girlfriend.
A listener called in and noticed that Gary wasn't around. Howard said Gary called in and said he was going to be late. He said his power went out and his alarm never went off. Robin said she thought he had a backup generator at his house. Gary called in and said he doesn't have a backup generator and she just makes stuff up. Howard had also made some comments about Gary's throat clearing and how annoying it is. Howard said he heard that Gary now spends about 5 minutes clearing his throat out in the office so he won't annoy Howard with it. It turns out Jon told the caller to ask where Gary was. John was thrilled that Gary was late so he could goof on him. Gary told him he's never late and John is late almost every day.
Howard and the crew spent more time talking about Beth too. Howard said Beth was a little upset with Robin about the way she read the article in ''FHM.'' Robin sounded a little mean the way she was reading the article as Beth and it upset her a little bit according to Howard. Howard said he had to explain to Beth that he doesn't want Robin to be boring on the air so he let her read it the way she wanted to.
Howard told Robin that he took his 9 year old to see the Blue Man Group a couple of weeks ago. He ended up walking out of the show because his daughter was feeling sick. Howard said he loved the show, or what he saw of it, and he felt bad leaving before the end of the show. Howard said he thinks they probably think he hated the show because he left but that's not why he left. He just wanted to get that out so they don't think he hated the show.
Howard spent some time talking about David Letterman and how ABC is apparently trying to get him on their network. Howard thinks that Letterman will stay on CBS. He said if Letterman had any balls he'd quit CBS, not go to ABC and start his own syndication company so he could have his show on a bunch of different networks. Howard said Letterman could be making ''Oprah money'' if he did that. Howard also thinks that Letterman released the info about ABC coming after him and he really just wants to stay at CBS.
Greg claims that Howard is mentioned in the bible somewhere. He quoted something from the bible where something about ''king of media'' is mentioned. That's where he's getting his wacky info from.
Greg was actually calling in to promote his book ''The Beast Hunter'' that's available at BeastHunter.com. Howard said he might have to read this to see what it's all about.
Howard said he also got an advance copy of a ''Snow White'' remake that's actually pretty good. He said it's a new story about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Howard said he finally learned why Snow White hangs out with the Seven Dwarfs. He told Robin all he knew from watching the movie. He said his 9 year old daughter really liked the movie too. He said it's on TV Sunday, March 17th. He said it's good and you don't have to feel gay watching the movie. He said he'd even recommend it to people that don't have kids.
Howard replayed this tape of a guy ranting about Oprah Winfrey that he played on February 13th. Here's what I wrote about the tape that day:
Howard received this audio tape from a guy who is upset with Oprah Winfrey for some reason. The guy sent a copy of a tape he sent to Oprah after she didn't respond to a couple of pieces of certified mail he sent to her. Howard played the tape and the guy goes off on Oprah calling her ''Oprah Winfrey, Negro woman of the south.'' He said that he had her on his wall as a role model at one time but since she wasn't responding to his certified mail he finds her disgusting now. The guy kept repeating key phrases throughout his tape and Howard found it fascinating. The guy kept saying the ''negro woman of the south'' line and kept saying that he's ''keeping it real'' over and over again. He also repeated that he was disgusted with her over and over again. He also told Oprah some of his current role models but he kept calling Harvey Firestein ''Harvey Finestein.'' The tape must have been 5 minutes long but he could have said it all in 30 seconds if he didn't repeat himself so much. Howard played the whole tape and couldn't get enough of it. The guy admitted he was gay during his ranting. Howard said he sounded like a cross between Rue Paul and John Hinkley. Howard told Robin that she should pose as Oprah and call the guy to goof on him.
After the interview Howard spent a short time talking about the upcoming season of ''Son of the Beach.'' He said that Frank Sinatra Jr. is playing the part of Stink Finger in one episode and he's a great actor. Howard told Robin how they sent the script to Frank Jr. and asked him to sing one of the songs in the episode. After reading the script Frank Jr. asked if they'd consider him for the part. They did and he got the part.
After Gary showed up late this morning he and Stuttering John got into a little bit of a verbal fight. Mike Gange from E! snuck into the studio and caught the fight on tape. Gary didn't know he was being taped but Stuttering John did. Since John knew they were being taped he tried to piss Gary off even more than he already was. Howard played the tape for everyone to hear. Gary was upset about the way John was goofing on him earlier while he was driving in. John was trying to be nice to Gary but Gary just kept saying ''F-you'' to John. This all happened during a break so Howard witnessed the fight and actually threw in a couple of lines. It wasn't all that long and they didn't get too pissed at each other but it was something behind the scenes that we wouldn't normally hear.
Howard goofed on the way Todd talks a little bit. He's got a very mellow and soothing voice that was easy to goof on.
Howard brought up this celebrity fight thing that FOX TV is doing. Last week he talked about the fight between Tonya Harding and Amy Fisher. Howard said he's not sure if it's what he said about Tonya being able to beat her ass or not but Amy Fisher has backed out of the fight. Now Paula Jones is going to fight Tonya. Howard said he would have put all of his money on Tonya against Amy Fisher. Howard was interrupted during this discussion when Jon Bon Jovi called in.
Howard got back to Jon's party and talked about the costumes that everyone was wearing. Howard talked about some of the other people that he spoke to at the party. He spent some time with David Bryan from the band. Howard said he left pretty early because there wasn't much happening. Howard made a ''once around'' before he bolted and ran into Geraldo Rivera's ex-wife C.C. He spent some time talking to her and then snuck out without telling Jon he was leaving. He wanted to get over to the Alien Ant Farm concert. Jon told Howard that he jammed with some of the other guests that were there. Howard said if he'd known that he would have stayed.
Jon talked about working on ''Ally McBeal'' a little bit. Howard wondered what must go on in Jon's life with all of the chicks he's around. His wife is pregnant for the third time.
Howard kept asking Jon what celebrities he missed at the party but Jon didn't want to mention any names. Howard said he doesn't believe that there were any big celebrities that showed up after he left.
Howard asked Jon what his boundaries are as far as cheating. He wondered if he can get oral from another woman and not consider it cheating. Jon said there are no boundaries, it's all just in your mind.
Jon had to get to work but he said that the band is working on another album. He and Richie are writing new stuff already and when he's done with his ''Ally McBeal'' thing they're going to work on the album.
After taking a break Howard spent some more time talking to Todd Barry. Howard read some of the notes he had about Todd. There's some newsgroup where people post stuff about the Conan O'Brien show and there's one woman who constantly badmouths Todd and even Artie Lange. Howard read some of the posts and they were actually pretty funny. She complained about Artie's wheezing laugh and how unfunny she thinks he is when he's on Conan's show. She also badmouthed Todd saying that he's not funny. Howard also went through a bunch of tabloid stories he found interesting before Robin got to her news segment.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Artie his idol John Belushi died 20 years ago today. Artie said he remembers that because he was a huge fan of his. He still has a Belushi t-shirt hanging on his wall to this day. Howard seems to think that women would find that kind of odd when they see it hanging there.
A caller asked Howard why he's still seeing a psychiatrist even though his life is going so well these days. Howard explained how he has been finding out about himself in therapy and he's actually thinking that therapy is good for him. He said this feeling just hit him recently and he's actually feeling better about himself now.
Howard found out why Amy Fisher won't be fighting Tonya Harding on FOX's ''Celebrity Boxing'' show. Yesterday he thought it might be because of something he said about the fight but today he read an article that said Amy's parole board won't let her appear in a fight. Howard said he kind of likes the idea that a group of people can tell Amy that she can't make money doing something like that. She shot a woman in the face and now she has to pay for it.
Howard read a quick mention of this thing that the Museum of Television and Radio is doing. He told Robin she didn't have to comment on it because he just wanted her to hear how stupid it was. They're honoring and having a panel discussion about an unaired episode of ''The Job'' featuring the star of the show, Denis Leary.
Yesterday Howard mentioned that Frank Sinatra Jr. will be in an upcoming episode of ''Son of the Beach.'' Today he played audio from the show with Frank Jr. Singing ''Stink Finger'' that was actually pretty funny.
Howard spent a little more time goofing on Erik and finding out all kinds of weird crap about him. He has all kinds of problems with his feet and toenails. He gets infections in his feet if he cuts his own toenails so he goes to a podiatrist to have them cut. It costs him a $10 copay when he does that. He said sometimes he has a friend that cuts them too. While they were talking about stinky Erik, Artie started singing some of the ''Stink Finger'' song but made it ''Stink Toenail'' and ''Stink Stomach'' instead. Artie said it's like a theme song for a super hero. Every time he walks in a room it would start of with ''Stink'' something.
Howard had tape of Alicia Keys talking ''white'' on E! when she was interviewed by Joan Rivers before the Grammy Awards the other night. Howard thinks that she speaks differently when she's up in front of a crowd. He compared the two tapes but Robin said it was a close call. She didn't sound all that different talking to Joan and talking to the audience at the Grammys.
Howard talked a little more about David Letterman and the threat of him leaving CBS to go to ABC. Howard says Letterman isn't going anywhere though. He said he's staying at CBS and the news stories about him are just hype to get CBS to pay him more.
Howard's girlfriend Beth (on the cover of FHM) was also discussed for a short time. A caller told Howard that he should have her on the show more and maybe put her on ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard said half the audience thinks he shouldn't discuss her at all and the other half wants to hear all about her. He seems to be a bit confused about the whole thing.
A listener asked what has happened to Fred lately because he never hears him talk on the air anymore. Howard joked and said that Fred quit 5 years ago and they just play tape of his voice once in a while. The caller said Fred used to talk more when Jackie was around. Howard said Fred must have left when Jackie left.
Howard spent a little while talking about his past with Don Imus at WNBC back in the mid '80s. He went off on him for a short time and talked about what a douche bag he was back then. He also talked about some of the fun stuff he used to do on his show back in those days. Gary brought up some of the people Howard used to goof on and remembered some of the funnier things he did with them back then.
Howard played tape of Deion Sanders hosting the Miss USA pageant and goofed on that for a little while. Howard and the crew noticed that Deion's delivery is like the stereotypical black guy from the 1920's so they picked up on that. They were really harsh on him.
Howard got Frosty on the phone and let him explain in more detail what he does. Frosty said that he has a goretex outfit that his friend covers with snow so he looks like a snowman. Then kids come over to him and cover him more without the kids even knowing he's in there. He then masturbates inside the suit. He said one time a kid may have caught him because the kid ended up throwing snowballs at him.
Howard asked Robin if this is morally wrong and if it's actually a crime. Robin thought that it was a crime and it's definitely morally wrong. Frosty said he hasn't touched any of the kids. Howard asked him if he prefers boys or girls. He said when they're dressed in winter clothing he can't tell them apart so he doesn't care about the sex of the child. Howard also asked him if he's gay. The guy said he's not into men or women, just kids and mostly just into himself.
Frosty said that during the summer months he'll throw a ''Frosty party'' with kids at his house. He said he turns down his air conditioning and has the kids over to play Nintendo games. He said he hasn't crossed that line YET where he touches kids. Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that the guy needs to get help. He said that it is illegal to masturbate in public and he can get in trouble for that. Dominic said he'd like to help this guy get some help because it sounds like he's very close to crossing that line.
Frosty, who lives in Colorado, said that now he's got to move because that one kid figured out his scam that time. Howard said he wants all parents to be aware of this nut and to keep an eye out for him.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls and let people yell at this guy about what he's doing. A couple of people who have been molested as children let him know how much he might screw up a kids life if he does molest them. A lot of parents also called in and said they'd kill this guy if they caught him doing this stuff around their kids. Howard ended up losing Frosty when his phone went to all static.
Later in the show Howard heard that this guy was a scam artist so that might be good news for the kids of Colorado.
Ralph called in and said Gary is wrong about the company being Snoop Dogg's. Gary said he got the info off the internet so he checked into it once again. It turns out that Snoop is designing shoes for the company but the pair Howard is wearing might not be Snoop's design.
Howard ended up talking about Ralph and how he needs therapy. Some people think he needs therapy because he might be gay and he doesn't know it yet. Howard said he thinks Ralph's problem has something to do with his professional life or lack thereof. Howard said he sometimes talks to Ralph about starting his own business or getting into some kind of movie makeup work but Ralph always says he doesn't want to work for anyone. Howard spent a short time talking about Ralph's problems before letting Robin do her news.
Howard took an early break then came back to talk about being up early last night. He said he was up at 1am so he ate some Cheerios. He tried to sleep but he just had his taxes done and all he could think about was his money. He said he thought about how much more he'd have if he hadn't gotten divorced. This discussion led to Howard talking about the wives of soldiers who go to war then come home to wives who divorce them and take half their money. Howard ranted about the women taking half their money when they stayed home while their husbands risked their lives.
''Evil Dave'' was on a roll telling jokes about his negotiations with ABC and CBS.
Today she was complaining that she went to some strip clubs looking for a job and they all turned her down because she was on Howard's show. Howard said they wouldn't know she was on the show unless she told them. She claims that someone recognized her and she told them she was on the show. She was asking Howard if she could have a job on his show doing a ''Dr. Ruth'' type thing. Howard told her that if she goes to someplace like Scores in a serious way, they'd probably hire her.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Roller Whore about what she'd do on the show if she was part of it. Howard questioned her about some news stories but she wasn't on top of anything.
Stuttering John told her that he knows someone that would pay her to do a bachelor party but she's not into that. She asked Howard how much he'd pay her to skate around nude on the New York City streets. Howard gave her a number but he wanted her to go all over the place.
Howard kept saying that Roller Whore is really hot and he wanted to get her naked. Gary asked Howard why they should pay her to do anything on the show. Stuttering John said he wanted to see what's going on under her clothes to see if she's got any cellulite. KC suggested that they throw marshmallows at her while she skates around. Someone suggested putting her in the tickle chair so they could tickle her while she's naked. Howard said he just wanted a nude massage from her but she said she wouldn't give him a ''happy ending.'' Howard also said he'd like to take a stick with a vibrator on the end of it and poke her with it. Howard was really annoyed with her after 20 minutes so he just told her to go find a rich guy and let him support her. She said she doesn't want to do that though. She said she won't whore herself out anymore either... She claims to be a ''born again virgin.'' She said she did over 500 guys during her time as a whore. Howard made his final offer and said that he'd give her $1000 if she gets naked and lets them poke her with the vibrator stick. She said she'd have to think about it. Howard let her do that and told her to come back tomorrow.
After taking a break Howard came back and spent some time talking about how his mother has given him all of her pictures of his kids for some reason. He thinks that she's planning to die or something so she's giving all of this stuff to him. Howard then got back to some voice mail messages. Most of them were from this one guy who constantly leaves messages for them. He's really angry about everything and isn't afraid to voice his opinion on whatever he sees going on in the news. Howard said he leaves so much voice mail that they can't even play it all.
Howard spent some time talking about Julia Louis Dreyfus and how he mistakenly said that her father is the Dreyfus behind the Dreyfus Fund. Someone corrected him yesterday and told him that her father is rich but he's in the natural gas business. Howard said he read that the guy is worth $3.4 billion! Robin also had a couple audio clips of Julia talking about her new show ''Watching Ellie'' which Howard thinks is one of the worst TV shows he's seen.
Howard spoke to Artie Lange about his girlfriend a little bit. The other day Artie announced that he and this biology teacher from New Jersey he's been dating are now boyfriend-girlfriend. Howard asked Artie how that was decided because they weren't really that committed when they went to Las Vegas last month. That's when Artie got rolled by the hooker-stripper chick. Artie said this girl stuck with him after that happened and they both agreed that they wanted a more committed relationship. The wording of their discussion was in question though. Howard and Robin interrogated him about what exactly they said to each other. Stuttering John also came in and said that it was a bad idea to commit to this woman because now it's opened a door for her to bitch at him about stuff. Howard asked Artie if he's in love with this girl. Artie didn't say yes, he just said that he's ''extremely smitten.'' Artie told Howard he met this woman at his birthday party but he doesn't remember it. Artie said Howard was about 10 drinks in that night so he wouldn't remember it.
Yesterday Howard played a bunch of tapes of Deion Sanders hosting the ''Miss USA'' pageant and goofed on how ridiculous he sounded on the show. He wanted to replay the whole bit but he just ended up playing a couple of the clips for his buddy Ralph who missed that part of the show. Dieon's delivery is so ridiculous that it gave Howard 2 days worth of material. One woman called in and said Deion sounds kind of like O.J. Simpson because he over annunciates every word. Howard played some O.J. clips but he was much calmer than Dieon so they didn't sound all that much alike.
''Evil Dave'' did a ''Top Ten things Pamela Anderson Says in Bed'' list during the Dieon Sanders thing too. Gary came in and said that he was talking to their next guest, Dr. Dot, and she said that she's a huge fan of David Letterman's so she was thrilled to be there that day. She had no idea that he was a fake though.
Howard picked up on Dr. Dot's lisp and goofed on that a little bit. He even had her say ''Sufferin' Succatash'' as a goof.
Howard then started digging in to her celebrity massage stories. She's been in the news lately because she claims that she had sex with Bruce Willis after massaging him for a week or so. She also said that she's had sexual relations with some other celebrities over the years and one of those people was Joey Ramone. She told Howard that she was only 15 at the time and she didn't have intercourse with Joey but they did some oral stuff like kissing. She has a book that she's written but it hasn't been published yet. She said she has a meeting after the show with a publisher. Howard figures she needs some kind of proof that she's actually had sex with these people. She said she has photos of her giving massages to these people but that's it. Howard also asked her why she's revealing these relationships because they're private moments that the celebrities might not want to be out there. She told Howard that people want to read about celebrity lives and these are her memoirs. She and Howard went at each other arguing about whether or not it was ethical to publish a book like that. Howard and the rest of the crew all seem to think that it's wrong to publish the sexual relationships in the book. Dr. Dot said that she actually doesn't write about the Bruce Willis sex stuff in the book. She said she left that out on purpose and said that his lawyer read it and didn't have a problem with it. She said there's a lot of funny stuff in the book and told a couple of stories that are in there.
Howard kept the ethics argument going with her and couldn't get through to her. She even said she still might put in some of the sex stories in the book. Howard asked if the book companies are going to want proof before they print the book. She brought up the pictures again but they just show her massaging the celebrities.
Dr. Dot told Howard she was willing to massage anyone there to prove that she's gives the greatest massage. Gary chimed in and said that he doesn't want to be written about so he passed on the massage. No one else took her up on the offer either.
Dr. Dot said that she charges people depending on their income. She said she'd charge a bus driver about $60 an hour while Gene Simmons of KISS would be charged $200 an hour.
At one point Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said something about Dr. Dot having an agent who was trying to get her into ''Penthouse'' magazine. She denied that story and said she had no idea who Dominic was. Then she called him a ''fat slob.'' Howard asked her how she knew he was a fat slob if she didn't know who he was. She said she could tell by his wheezing voice on the phone. She then told Howard that she did a shoot for ''FHM'' magazine that will be on the newsstands May 15th. Howard wrapped up the interview and said you can find out more about Dr. Dot at her web site DrDot.de.
Howard took a break and came back with all the details of how he broke his thumb. He said for some reason people like to work out with him at the gym and he's too nice to say anything. He said he thinks that he's just supposed to work out one on one with his trainer Pat. For some reason there are four other people working out with him. He went on to talk about this guy Marco Battaglia who plays football. Howard said he and Pat load up Marco's bar with three 45 pound weights on each side of the bar. Howard's other buddy Richie just stands around and watches while they do this. He talked about those guys a bit and then talked about what he was doing when this accident happened. Howard was doing some dead lifting and Marco was there to bench press also. For some reason Marco wanted to move the bench, which had the 45 pound weights on the bar. Howard figured he'd help so he grabbed the bar and tried to move it with Marco. Marco pushed the bench and Howard's thumb got caught between the weight and part of the bench. Howard said he heard a crunch when the 45 pound weight crushed his thumb. He said he then let out an animal-like scream.
Howard said there are going to be some changes at the gym after all of this. He's not going to help out with the weight changes anymore. Howard said he had his hand packed in ice after the accident. He said he didn't want to miss his day with the kids yesterday so he didn't have his thumb put in a cast. The finger was cut open so he had that cleaned out and checked though. He also had an x-ray taken and it's definitely broken and slightly crushed.
Howard said that he wipes with his left hand so that's not a problem. He said brushing his teeth is pretty hard with his left hand. He said he should have Marco do all of this stuff for him. Howard said his kids were actually doing stuff for him for the first time yesterday.
Howard took some phone calls after talking about his thumb. A listener asked Howard about why he was dropped in Charlotte, North Carolina. Howard ended up talking about the religious groups that go after the show and how they can sometimes get their way if fans don't support the advertisers who support his show. Every time he talks about situations like these he ends up telling everyone that they really do need to support the advertisers.
Another caller brought up the E! show and how they're censoring out the good stuff. He was upset that on a cable channel they can't show nudity. Howard said he's been approached by other cable outlets and he'd be able to show nudity but he's very loyal to E!. He said he and E! developed the idea of putting his radio show on TV. He said he's going to have a talk with the head of E! to see if they can do anything.
Howard compared his broken thumb to Tom's marriage to Roseanne Barr. Howard said his broken thumb is nothing compared to sleeping with Roseanne. They then spent a few minutes talking about that relationship and how strange that was. Tom said before Roseanne he was getting even worse looking women. Howard said he used to get some nasty looking chicks too but they were never fat chicks. Howard asked Tom to choose between Roseanne and a bunch of other fat chicks. Sometimes he picked Roseanne over other ugly chicks, sometimes he didn't.
Tom said he spoke to John Stamos and he told him how great Howard's girlfriend is. Howard then told Tom about the time Rebecca Romijn-Stamos took off her clothes in his apartment. He filled Tom in on the details of how Rebecca and his girlfriend Beth both had their clothes off.
Tom told Howard that he's working on some new movies and there will be a ''True Lies 2'' eventually. He spent a couple of minutes talking about the other stuff he's working on.
Tom said he's getting married in June to this woman Shelby he's been going out with for a couple of years. Howard asked him why he's getting married after a couple of failed marriages. Tom said he wants to have kids right away and he loves her.
Tom also told Howard about his scalp reduction and his hair transplants. Howard then took some phone calls for Tom.
Howard also read some news from the Drudge Report about CBS possibly thinking of Howard as a replacement for David Letterman if he moves to ABC. Matt Drudge called in and asked if he got the story right. Howard said he got it right on the money. Howard said that he doesn't think that Letterman will leave CBS but he would replace him if given the offer. He said he'd also ''play the game'' a little bit and tone down the show for the advertisers at first. Howard ended up talking to Drudge for a few minutes about how much money he makes with his web site. Drudge said something about 7 figures but didn't give exact amounts. Howard ended up talking to Drudge about the goings on behind the scenes at CBS and how Mel Karmazin has made the company what it is today.
Howard got off the phone and started to wrap things up with Tom. Gary came in and said that Tom told him his sister is back in prison for dealing drugs. Tom said she was dealing Crystal Meth and got caught. She had her own scientist who was making the stuff for her. She was also driving a new Jaguar that had a license plate that said ''DEALER'' on it. Not subtle enough. Tom said he spent a lot of money on legal bills for her too. He said she won't get out of prison until she's 60 years old.
Howard ended up talking about his workout again and complaining about all of the guys that are there when he works out.
Howard moved on to play some tapes that Big Black dropped off. He taped some stuff from channel 9 in New York. They reported that Howard might replace Letterman. The reporter claims that they couldn't find that many people excited about that possibility. Some of the people that they interviewed said that Howard wouldn't fly in ''middle America'' and big name advertisers wouldn't support the show. Howard had Fred read off some of the advertisers that advertise on his radio show and they had plenty of big name companies like Toyota, Heinekin, Sony Pictures, New Line Cinema and many others.
This guy Randy called in and gave Howard some advice on Vicodin. Howard read off what was on the label of the bottle. Randy told him to have his prescription changed because there is too much Tylenol in what he has now. Randy said that if Howard drinks alcohol and takes the pills with the Tylenol he could ruin his liver. Howard said he's going to talk to the doctor today about changing it.
Don doesn't know what he has but whatever it is works for him. Howard asked him what kind of money a good pimp can make. He said that he could make Oprah money doing what he does. He said he never went to jail and he never dealt drugs or anything. He said he likes the smell of marijuana and he hangs out with Snoop Dogg.
Don told Howard he lost his virginity at the age of 5 to his babysitter. He said it was quite an experience.
Don said at the height of his career he had 7 'hos working for him. He said he took 100% of their money but he supplied their clothes, food and shelter. He said he's the greatest pimps that ever lived.
Howard told Don about the experience Artie had in Las Vegas with the $500 whore. Artie didn't know that she was a whore until she demanded $500 after having sex with him. Don said that it's a good thing that he paid the girl because both of them went their separate ways and everybody's happy.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Don. One guy asked how he could get into the pimping career. Don asked him if he'd be willing to put his own girl to work. The caller said that won't happen so Don told him he failed the test. Howard said he wouldn't be able to do that job either because he gets very possessive with his women.
Don has a book that he wrote about how to be a pimp so Howard gave him a plug for it as he was wrapping up the interview. You can call 1-800-882-3273 to get more info.
Yesterday Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be a Vietnam Vet. The guy called back later in the day and told Gary that he lied about his story and refused to take the prize that Howard had given him. The guy had been on hold but when Howard picked up the phone he wasn't there so he couldn't talk to him about it. High Pitch Erik was listening and decided he wanted the tickets to the Mets opening day game. He called in and asked if he could have them. Howard said he'd give them to him but he had to do something for them. Since Erik is afraid of fish Howard came up with a bunch of weird stuff that he could do for the tickets. Every one involved fish. He could sit his naked ass in a bucket of bluefish, wear a fish around his neck to the game, wear a fish hat to the game, stand in a fish tank for a specified time, carry a fish in his mouth at the game, have sardines thrown at his naked ass or sleep in a bed of fish. Erik said he wouldn't mind having the fish thrown at his ass but Gary told Howard that he agreed to that because he wouldn't have to see the fish. Erik is scheduled to come in next Tuesday to do one of the above fish-related things.
Howard said that his girlfriend had to see him in a foul mood yesterday and he hates that. He said he wasn't even in pain and he ended up taking a few Vicodin to calm himself down. He said Beth saw a side of him she hadn't seen yet.
KC came in and asked Howard if he's ''dropped a deuce'' yet. Howard told him he did take a dump but he's left handed when he wipes. He said he usually gets in the shower to rinse himself down after doing that but now he can't because of the thumb. Howard said he's really mad at Marco Battaglia who accidentally smashed his thumb. He was blaming him for ruining his happiness.
Howard got a bit of e-mail about his broken thumb. Most people are sorry to hear about it and are angry at Marco for accidentally smashing it. He read through a few of those e-mails and some other stuff that he's gotten lately.
Howard read an article about a woman who hit a homeless man with her car. The guy's head got stuck in her windshield. She drove home with the guy still stuck in her windshield and parked her car in the garage. She locked it up and left the guy there for a few days until he died. Howard read the article and said that the woman apologized to the guy every once in a while until he died. The guy kept asking for help but she wouldn't do anything about it. She was eventually arrested. After the guy died she and a friend dumped the body in a park. The article said that she was caught when someone heard her talking about the incident at a party and turned her in. They claim that the woman may have been on Extasy the night she hit the guy.
Howard said that Milla Jovovich was supposed to be on the show yesterday but she canceled and said there was a scheduling conflict. Howard had promoted the appearance ahead of time and he thinks that one of her friends might have told her not to do the show. Howard said ''shame on you'' and ''you suck'' to her. Howard said she probably backed out because she'd have to do a real interview for once. Howard thought about which one of her friends might have told her not to do the show and came up with Bruce Willis. She and Bruce were in ''The Fifth Element'' together so maybe he told her not to do it. Howard and Robin talked about Bruce for a couple of minutes. They talked about how bad his harmonica playing is which led to Howard saying that Alanis Morissette is also a really bad harmonica player on her new album ''Under Rug Swept.''
After the fight discussion Howard spent some time talking to Scott about bowling. They had been talking about Scott's rage and asked if he ever demonstrates that at home. Scott said he doesn't freak out at home but he has freaked out when bowling. He said that he kicked the ball return one time because he was pissed that he got a ''10 pin wrap'' which he had to explain to Howard. Scott is a huge bowling fan and he even tried to go on the night of September 11th last year. He was surprised to find that no one was at the bowling alley when he got there that night. Scott told Howard about different bowling conditions and what he does when he goes bowling.
A couple of people suggested that they have a bowling challenge against Scott. Howard and the gang would play against him to see just how good he is. Artie said he'd take him on and he's only bowled about 5 times in his life. He said he'll practice for a week and see if he can beat Scott. Scott admitted that anyone can come in and bowl a 200 game. Stuttering John also wanted to play against him too. Scott always loses stuff so there's a good chance he'll lose to two guys who never play.
Howard said he'll get this on TV somehow. He even pitched a show idea to anyone who wanted to do it. He said that once a week Scott would take on someone in bowling. He thinks that it would be a great show with Scott preparing for the show. Someone asked Scott what the name of his bowling team was. He said that everyone on his team has the letter S in their initials. So they came up with the name ''Falling on our S's.'' Howard suggested something more appropriate like ''The Four S-holes.''
Howard also had a new ''Mr. Skin Minute'' where the guy from MrSkin.com talks about the latest movie releases and which ones have nudity in them. Howard heard about two movies he wants to see after hearing the update. Mr. Skin says that the movie ''Iris'' has Kate Winslet showing her bush and the movie ''Bully'' has a couple of young stars like Bijou Philips showing her boobs through the whole movie.
Howard tried to give Beetlejuice a plug for an appearance he's making tomorrow night. He mentioned that tomorrow night Beetlejuice is appearing with KC Armstrong at Odyssey night club. He said something about another guy would be appearing with him but Beet said that's not happening. He said that his cousin, Little Bow Wow, is appearing with him. Beet's action figure will also be out this spring. He's got a lot going on in his life.
Beetlejuice is trying to get on ''Oz'' so Robin told him that he might have to be nude in the show and kiss guys. Beet said he doesn't mind being nude but he won't be kissing any guys.
Beetlejuice's manager Sean and his wife Michelle were at the station too so Howard had them come in. For some reason Beetlejuice thinks that he has sex with Beetlejuice. Michelle says that she never does but she plays along with Beet's story. She said that Beet does try to have sex with her sometimes. Beet lives with them so he's always around her. She said whenever he sees her showing skin he goes nuts and tries to get her.
Howard asked Michelle if it's ever a problem having Beetlejuice living with them. She said that her son loves Beet and they don't mind having him around. Howard asked Beet if he's taught the 7 year old how to have sex yet. He hasn't done that yet but he says he's going to teach him how to be a man.
Michelle said that Beetlejuice cooks for them quite often. He makes them big breakfasts sometimes.
Beetlejuice saw Howard's broken thumb and said he heard about it and was sorry to hear that it was broken. Howard told him that he had to punch a guy in the face because he was making fun of Beetlejuice. Beet said that he shouldn't have done that, he should have left it up to him to take care of. Howard kept him going for a couple of minutes. Beet said that he'd stand up for Howard too if someone made fun of him.
Another dwarf by the name of Big Papa also lives with Sean. He's the one that Beet says won't be appearing with him tomorrow night. Beetle apparently doesn't want him there tomorrow night and there's no changing his mind when he's made it. Big Papa said that he loves to work and protect Beetlejuice but only when Beet wants him to.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people get Beet all riled up. One woman called in and said she and her kids loved Beetlejuice in ''Scary Movie 2.''
Howard wrapped up the interview because he had to get to Roger Ebert. He gave Beet a plug for his appearance tomorrow night and You can find out more about Beetlejuice at JollyDwarf.com.
Howard also heard that Roger served in Vietnam but Roger told him that's not true. He went to the draft and almost got in but he was told he was overweight and was rejected. He said he was 26 years old and weighed 206 pounds. He believes that if he was 19 and weighed the same he would have been drafted.
Howard asked Roger about his black wife which led to a whole discussion about whether or not someone thinks about the fact that they're with someone of a different color when they're a couple.
Howard moved on to talk about movies and the Academy Awards with Roger for a few minutes also. He and Roger shared their thoughts on some Academy Award nominees.
Howard told Roger that he thinks he should have been nominated for his role in ''Private Parts'' and he's still pissed to this day that he wasn't. Roger told Howard that he deserved a nomination more than Russell Crow did for ''Gladiator.'' Howard said he hasn't done a movie since ''Private Parts'' because of that snub.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Roger about his new book ''The Great Movies'' which doesn't have ''Private Parts'' listed as one of the great ones. Roger said he picked the movies that he loved and put them in the book.
Ooops! Howard almost forgot about Mike Walker's gossip game! He was wrapping up the interview with Roger when he realized he'd forgotten about Mike. He got Mike on the phone and got to the game as quick as he could. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said he wants to go to the premiere of the new ''Spider Man'' movie dressed in that costume because he's so excited about the movie.
Howard and Robin goofed on Ron for a short time and then did the news.