Howard said he missed the Oakland/New England football game on Saturday night so Gary and the other guys told him how great the game was. Howard said he went out to dinner that night and missed it all. He said that he decided not to let football rule his life that night and decided to skip it. Howard said he thinks that the Super Bowl will be the Steelers and the Rams and the Rams will probably win it.
Artie Lange said he was on stage in Boston doing his stand-up material during that Saturday night game. He and Stuttering John drove up to Boston with Melrose Larry Green on Friday afternoon. Artie said Melrose laughs just as annoyingly as he does on the show when he thinks he says something funny. Howard said he didn't understand why they had to drive up there with Melrose. He was one of the performers at this show John and Artie were going to, that's why they all drove up together. John told Howard a couple of stories about how wacky Melrose is. One story was about how Melrose was going door to door out in California for some reason and he was carrying a bottle with him so he could piss without finding a public bathroom. At one point he got to Robert Klein's house and asked if he could have a word with him. Klein allegedly told Melrose to get lost so he ended up dumping his bottle of piss in Klein's front yard.
Stuttering John said people were throwing stuff at Melrose when he got up on stage. Melrose called in and said he's got a great act so Howard had him tell a couple of his lame jokes. He's told most of them on the show in the past and they're not that funny. Howard ended up hanging up on Melrose.
Artie had a story to tell about Tom Cruse. He shot a scene for ''Jerry Maguire'' that ended up getting cut from the movie. He played a sports radio guy who was supposed to interview Tom. In the script it said to take a pause before entering the room. Artie did the scene a few times with the pause and then on one take Tom Cruise yells at him ''Can you come in quicker please!?'' The director had to explain to Tom that the pause was in the script and they did the scene again. This time it was to Tom's satisfaction and he just yelled out a ''Thank You!'' to Artie like he had finally done it the right way.
Comedian Jim Florentine (Terrorizing Telemarketers) called in and said Artie had a lot of chances to get laid on Saturday. Artie said he got a bunch of phone numbers but he seems to think that the women are just talking a good game. Artie said he tried to hook up with some women but they didn't want to party with him.
Howard spent some time talking about and playing tape from the ''Golden Globe Awards'' that were on Sunday night. He and the rest of the crew talked about how bogus the awards are. Howard pointed out that this Hollywood Foreign Press can't possibly be watching all of these TV shows that won awards. He seems to think that the awards are rigged. He played tape of a bunch of the winners accepting their awards. Everyone then goofed on the lame speeches from people like Harrison Ford, Kiefer Sutherland, Tom Hanks, Russell Crowe and many others.
Gary the Retard called in and asked to go to Las Vegas with Howard and the crew. Gary wasn't invited but Gary (Baba Booey) came in and said Howard can give away a trip a day courtesy of TravelWorm.com so they could give one to Gary. Howard wondered if they allow retarded people into casinos. As far as they know it's okay. Artie suggested that they play craps with Gary because maybe he'll have really good luck or something. Howard and Artie did their retard impressions trying to create what might happen while they're playing the games in Vegas.
Andrea showed Howard her breast implants which her father bought for her! She said she told him she wasn't going to strip anymore to convince him to pay for them but then turned right around and went back to stripping. KC came in and said Andrea has made so much money stripping that she doesn't have to work. She said she can make $800 to $1000 a night stripping. She said she's tired of that right now so she's taking a break. Howard said Andrea was wearing a bra top and a mini skirt standing there in the studio.
Howard had a quick test for Andrea to see if she really is the stupidest girl. Andrea said she just needs to take a typing class to get her high school diploma. She said she's ordered the test but hasn't received it yet. Howard asked her a few questions and she could only answer one correctly... Here they are:
Howard wrapped up the interview and gave Bob and his mother plugs. Bob didn't get to say all that much this time. He usually has the spotlight when he's on but it was his mother's turn this time. Howard mentioned that Bob has his own web site now at RobertSchimmel.com. Bob said it was Howard that got him to get his own site. He used to have one with Warner Brothers Records but Howard apparently told him it was lame and he should have his own. Howard didn't seem to remember saying that to him. Betty's book is available now and she's available for appearances. If you want to book her you can reach her at BetSchim@aol.com
Fred said he really wanted to do this for the kids so he went ahead and spun the wheel. He ended up having to have marshmallows thrown at his naked, chocolate covered balls. Howard had him pull down his pants and dip his nuts in some chocolate syrup. All of the guys then threw marshmallows at his balls. Robin later said he stood there with his arms at his side like ''Super Fag'' while the guys threw the marshmallows. Howard said he hit Fred's balls twice. Fred said he got hit a total of about 4 or 5 times. When they were done Artie noticed that Fred was starting to get aroused which turned the whole thing really gay according to Howard. He thought that was really disturbing. Fred then took a hand towel and shoved it in his pants like a maxi-pad.
Fred asked if he could go to Las Vegas with Howard and the crew but when they told him he'd have to spin the wheel again he changed his mind. Howard told him they'd think about letting him come with them.
After taking a break Howard spent a few minutes talking about some tabloid stories that he saw today. He said the Enquirer had pictures of celebrities vacationing down in St. Barts and they were all in their bathing suits. Howard said they had photos of guys like Chevy Chase, William Shatner and Steve Martin who were all fat. Steve Martin was caught talking to some topless women on a beach.
Howard also read an article about his ''feud'' with Oprah Winfrey. Howard has complained about this guy Dr. Phil who appears on Oprah's show. The article mentioned a bunch of the stuff Howard has said about the guy lately.
Howard quickly talked about how strange Marie Osmond is. She recently broke down crying while she was selling her stuff on QVC. Artie said that the people who buy her things are pretty strange too... Robin then admitted that she's purchased some of Marie's porcelain dolls for her own collection.
Howard and Gary told stories about how they were beat up by black kids when they were growing up on Long Island. Howard also had Jimmy Kimmel on the phone to talk about the Tyson thing. Jimmy's theory is that Tyson is finally coming out of the closet. He said after Tyson got out of jail he started getting the taste of men in his mouth and maybe he's heading down the ''Hershey highway'' now. Artie thinks that Tyson was exposed to gamma rays (like the Incredible Hulk) and whenever he gets upset he turns into ''Iron Mike'' and goes crazy. Howard pictured Tyson as King Kong coming out in shackles to reporters taking pictures of him. He and Artie created the scene and made it sound like the scene in ''King Kong'' where the camera flashes drove him so crazy he broke out of the shackles.
Jimmy said that he's out in Vegas making prank phone calls for a new show he's got on Comedy Central called ''Crank Yankers.'' He said they have puppets reenact the prank phone calls. Howard said it sounds good but since it's on Comedy Central, no one will see it.
After talking about how wacky Tyson is he said the dream date would be Tyson and Mariah Carey... Since she's pretty wacky herself.
A phone caller told Howard he's got balls because he has messed around with Robin Givens, Tyson's ex, and now he's goofing on Tyson too. Howard said he did have a few dates with Givens but he didn't talk that much about it.
A listener called in and told Howard he read that Mariah Carey's record company just dumped her but had to pay her $36 million to do that. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that before moving on to Joe Frazier.
Joe didn't really want to comment on Mike Tyson's behavior at his press conference. He didn't think it was worth getting upset over. He said that he and Muhammad Ali used to get in scuffles before fights too so it's not a big deal. Howard and Artie started goofing on Tyson and how his next fight will be with something like the Chrysler Building. Joe seemed to think that they were being a little hard on Tyson.
Howard heard that Joe was upset about the Muhammad Ali movie ''Ali'' because the guy playing him is an ugly guy. Joe wouldn't really admit he'd said that off the air though. He did say that he dozed off a few times during the movie. He was also upset that they showed him driving an Eldorado in the movie when he actually drove a Coupe DeVille.
Howard said that Joe is available for appearances and you can book him through the PrinceMarketingGroup.com web site.
Dick owns the Golden Globe awards so Howard asked him how he came by that. Dick explained how he got them and how they're the second highest rated awards next to the Oscars. Howard said that the Golden Globes are a joke though. He thinks that they get payoffs to give awards to the celebrities that win. Dick defended his awards show and said none of that happens.
Howard tried to find out how much Dick makes on a show like that for one night. He guessed $7 million but Dick said he was nuts. When Howard said $5 million Dick said he'd just leave it alone. He didn't want to get into his finances so he wouldn't answer it. Dick really wanted to talk about his show ''The Other Half'' which is a bunch of guys talking about women. The show is on each weekday. Howard and the guys goofed on Danny Bonaduce and the kid from ''Saved by the Bell'' who is really creepy according to Howard. He got a plug in for that before Howard brought up his new show ''The Chamber.'' Dick told Howard the history of the show before Howard did what he wanted to do. In the show they put people under pressure by exposing them to extreme heat and cold as well as vibration and noise. Howard had this guy Mike come in who can fart at will to play the game with Dick. The farter started blasting away while Howard asked Dick some questions. Dick cracked under the pressure and couldn't answer the first question ''Which of the 5 senses is sharpened by Radial Carototomy?'' (Vision)
Howard then had Debbie the Queefer come in. She ''queefed'' with her private parts while Howard asked Dick another question. ''Name the big 3 Japanese auto makers.'' Dick got out Nissan, Honda and Infiniti. Howard was looking for Toyota instead of Infiniti but they accepted the answer. Then both Mike and Debbie made their noises as Howard asked Dick 2 more questions:
Howard got Dr. Joyce Brothers on the phone to talk about the Tyson thing too. She gave her thoughts on Tyson's problems and theorized that since Tyson's trainer died he's lost his mind because he's probably frustrated with his life. Dr. Brothers also talked about Tyson's biting and how he's ''lost total control.'' She says it's because he's immature. After talking to Dr. Brothers Howard and Artie got back to their impressions of Tyson. Dominic Barbara also called in and had a theory that Tyson was sexually abused as a child and that explains his oral fixation and the comments he makes about f'ing people until they love him. As usual Howard ended up hanging up on Dominic.
Howard gave Dave a plug for ''Insomniac'' and talked a little about that. Dave said he took his drinking problem and turned it into a drinking opportunity. The show is just Dave going around to different cities hanging out at different bars and stuff like that.
Dave also talked about something that happened to him on an airplane after the 9/11 disaster. Dave looks kind of Arabic even though he's a Jew. He got on this flight and saw that it was getting filled up so he asked a flight attendant if it was a full flight. She told him it was pretty full and walked off. Dave then saw an empty row of seats and changed his seat. Security then came and pulled him off the plane and told him the flight crew were afraid to fly with him. Dave said people have told him to look less threatening than he does. He wonders if he should walk around with a balloon and an ice cream cone or something.
Howard talked to Dave about not getting laid even though he's in show business. Dave said he's really not in show business, he's just a comedian. Howard wondered if any women come up to him after a stand-up show. Dave said those women are freaks. Artie said it's really not that easy getting laid at a comedy show. He had women come up to him at a recent appearance but he wasn't able to get laid.
This guy called in and claimed that he can name the host of any game show. Howard told the guy that if he got any wrong he would have to die. ''Answer or Die'' is what they were calling it. Howard got sidetracked for a couple of minutes when he started talking about Mike Tyson. He finally got to the game and told the guy if he got them all right he'd win a TiVo video recorder. Howard gave the guy a bunch of game shows like:
Artie has similar useless knowledge. He knows baseball teams that played in the World Series games from the '50's and '60's. He knows both teams and who won the series.
Howard said that this guy Yaqi will be on the show tomorrow. Howard played a tape that he watched where Yaqi tickles people and he was kind of disturbing to watch according to Howard. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that guy and playing some of the clips he had from his video.
The next girl, 19 year old Myah, came in and took her top off and showed her large breasts. She also claims they're real. The judges thought that she was actually Playboy material. Howard tried to get her to take her bottom's off but she refused even when they offered her $1000 of iWon.com money. Howard wrapped up the segment pretty quick after they were done evaluating.
Gary came in and told Howard some of the other nominees. They included a bunch of people like Vanessa Redgrave, Tom Chapin and some various others.
After Dr. Ruth threatened to hang up a few times Howard finally got to the plugs for her CD. He did that and then told her that if she gets up and thanks him at the Grammys if she wins. He said he'd tell the Grammy voters to vote for her if she promised that she'd thank him. She said that if she wins she'll be so excited that she'd forget to thank him.
After she got off the phone Howard said she doesn't realize that it's a silly category and no one really cares about it. The guys then spent a few minutes talking about her life and how nice she is.
Gary came in to kill some time with an article he had from the NY Post. The article had some of the top salaries of TV actors. He was supposed to ask Howard what he though certain people were making. When he asked about the first person, David Hyde Pierce, he was looking at Robin. She had an idea of what he made so she answered him with it. Howard ended up getting mad at Gary because he was supposed to ask him, not Robin, the question. He bailed out on the discussion because he was so pissed.
Howard took a phone call that turned out to be a telemarketer asking about who he'd vote for in the east side of Manhattan. Howard told her he'd answer her question if she answered one of his... of course he asked her what she was wearing. She said she was wearing clothes but didn't say exactly what it was. He eventually answered her question but she wouldn't answer his so he threatened to report her to the government authorities. She eventually hung up on him. Howard told Artie the next time they get a call like that he's going to do his tickling Yaqi voice and really mess with the telemarketer.
Howard got back to the Paula Poundstone tapes after that call. Everyone got in on the discussion including Ralph who was still hanging around after the Playboy Evaluation.
Howard also spent a few minutes coming up with his fantasy season ending ''Friends'' show where everyone pairs up with other people on the show.. Chandler and Ross turn gay, Joey gives Jennifer Aniston's character HIV and it turns out he's gay... Stuff like that.
John also complained that there wasn't one bit of food to eat in the green room this morning. He said he figured there would be a guy carving turkey or something since it's the Howard Stern Show. Howard said his General Manager, Tom Chiusano, told him if he wants to feed his guests he can pay for it.
A guy called in and told Howard that he's in jail for attempted murder. He just wanted to comment on the ''Friends'' discussion they had earlier but Howard ended up getting the guy's whole story. He told Howard some guy allegedly tried to rape his sister and he went after the guy with a baseball bat. Now he's serving something like 15 years in maximum security prison. Howard found out all kinds of stuff about the guy's stay in prison before he got off the phone.
Howard had to take a break so he gave John a couple of plugs for his appearances and his web site JohnPinette.com
Howard mentioned that the tickling guy Yaqi would be on the show later. He said that Gary told him that Yaqi wanted to come in to inspect the shackles they'd be using to hold down the girls he'd be ticking. Howard didn't want him in during the break.
A couple of women came down today to get plugs for their web site CatFightBabes.com so Howard hooked them up with Yaqi. Howard was going to ask them some questions and each time they got the wrong answer Yaqi would tickle them. If they got the answer correct they'd get a plug for their web site. First up was Heather. Yaqi shackled her to a bed they had set up in the studio and prepared to tickle her. Yaqi wanted to supervise the shackling himself because he wanted to make sure it was done correctly. She did escape one time though. Howard asked her a bunch of questions and she was able to answer most of them. Howard then threw in a couple of tough questions that she couldn't answer so Yaqi could tickle her. Heather told Howard that she thinks of tickling as torture most of the time but if she's attracted to the guy she would get turned on. Yaqi did some great tickling because Heather was squealing and screaming each time he touched her. Artie Lange kept making jokes about how he's probably killed some of his tickling victims. Yaqi uses socks on the women's wrists when he shackles them and Artie said in 5 years or so someone will probably find skeletons with socks on their arms in Yaqi's basement or something.
Heather told Howard that she wanted him to tickle her because she's attracted to him. She found Yaqi's tickling to just be torture. Howard went over and got a quick pointer from Yaqi who told him to tickle her upper thigh. Howard tried it and actually got a reaction from her. Once again she squealed and screamed as Howard tickled her. Then Yaqi joined in and the two of them double teamed her for a few seconds. Before the girls came in they were told to drink a lot of fluids so they might wet the bed as they got tickled. Heather said she drank a lot but she didn't end up wetting the bed.
Howard had to take a break before getting to the second woman, Star. When he came back they shackled Star to the bed and Howard asked her some questions. Star wasn't ticklish. Yaqi tried but couldn't get her to laugh. On Heather he'd used some lotion on her feet and tickled her which made her really squeal. Star just laid there and didn't make a sound. Stuttering John came in and gave it a try too. He got her to giggle for a second but ended up calling her a ''cold fish.'' Howard gave up on her after a couple of minutes. He also told Yaqi that they kind of find him to be like a serial killer-type which he didn't seem to appreciate. While he was trying to tickle Star Howard kept making references to killing her because she wasn't doing what he wanted her to do. Yaqi said he's never killed anyone... You can find out more about Yaqi and order his tickling video tape at YaqisWorld.com. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Yaqi before wrapping up the interview. Yaqi claims that woman actually pay him to tickle them. He said he charges $5 per pound to do the tickling. A phone caller told Howard that ticking guys is gay and Yaqi has done that. Yaqi doesn't seem to think it is gay though. He told Howard that he's never had gay sex and he's never murdered anyone as Howard wrapped up the interview.
Artie and Howard spoke to Perry about the bets they've placed on the NFL playoff games and he seems to agree with some of the bets they've got going. Perry used to play for the Eagles so he said hopes they'll win but he knows they won't.
Howard said Perry is bigger now than he was when he was in the NFL. Perry said he's weighed about 365-370 pounds when he played and he's now around 380 pounds. He claims that he really doesn't eat all that much either. He said he might have a couple of eggs and some toast for breakfast and then he skips lunch. He didn't say exactly what he eats for dinner but it must be a lot.
Howard asked Perry about women for a short time but he says he's not with anyone right now. At one point he said he may have cheated on his wife in the past but then denied that he ever cheated. He seemed uncomfortable talking about it at all. He told Howard he's hoping to get back together with his wife in the future so that might have something to do with it.
Perry was in to promote a few things too. He's appearing in the Tough Brawl 2 on the FX cable channel on February 1st. He's also got a web site where you can purchase some memorabilia and a new cooler line he's selling. That's at PakChest.com.
Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the phone so they could play his silly game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here's a quick synopsis of Mike's stories: