Howard started off the show saying that Gary was part of a class action suit that proves you can sue over anything these days. Apparently some lawyer sued DirecTV over NFL games and how people had to buy a whole season instead of single games. They won the case so now people can buy just one day of football if they want to.
Gary told Howard about the whole thing and what the people involved with the suit actually won. He gets a couple of bucks and some merchandise from the NFL store or something like that.
Howard said the real Gene must like what they're doing because he sent Howard a giant bust of himself as well as two leather bound books, KISStory and KISStory 2 and a few other things. Howard said the bust is huge. He said he must be laughing about the whole thing. Howard thinks eventually Gene will bring a class action suit against him for some reason.
Howard and Robin agreed that today's best news story was the one about the crowned prince of Nepal going crazy and shooting his whole family. Robin said that England's Prince William is probably reading the story getting some ideas himself. He ended up doing all of this because his family didn't approve of the woman he wanted to marry.
Howard told Robin he watched the Mel Gibson movie ''What Women Want'' over the weekend and actually enjoyed it. Robin thinks he's nuts because that movie sucked. He said the first 20 minutes sucked but it got good once Mel's character could read women's minds.
Howard said they were supposed to have today off but they couldn't work that out. He did have Friday off though. He said even on the weekends he's up early at 5:30am or so because he's so used to it.
Howard said the whole thing felt like a wedding the way everyone does everything on Prom night. The kid who Emily went to the prom with was a college student. Howard said on Thursday night he ended up going to someone else's house to see his daughter off. She didn't stay home to get ready to go.
Howard said all of his daughter's friends were getting their pictures taken. Howard is paranoid of photographers so he ended up telling one guy he didn't want any photos taken of him. It turned out to be one of the girls' father. He had to apologize to him after his ex-wife told him who it was.
Howard ended up talking about his days in high school and how he tried to make friends with a jock but he was never able to do it. Howard said the guy never even acknowledged the fact that he was there when they car pooled together.
When Howard started to get famous the guy wrote a letter to him trying to talk to him and how they should together. Howard said there's no way he was going to talk to this guy after the way he was treated. He even got another letter from him last year and the guy was still looking to get together. Howard said he might have the guy on the air to find out why he thinks he would want to be friends with him. It's Howard's turn to ignore this guy like he did to him in high school.
Howard said the guy's younger brother was nice to him back then so maybe he'd hang out with him instead. Howard said he didn't even go to his own high school graduation because he hated it so much. He went right to work as a dish washer after school was done. They had to go to break after those stories.
Howard congratulated Uncle Kracker for topping the top 5 songs. He ran through the top 5 songs after that. He said he didn't know the song very well. He quickly played the rest of the songs that were in the top 5 and Craig Gass' Al Pacino's Baby danced along a little bit to them.
Robin mentioned that Hank the Dwarf's ''Son of the Beach'' was coming up soon. Howard said that Hank was actually going to be calling in later on.
Howard said he got a letter from the Program Director of WFMU which was the station where the DJ set the world record for staying on air for over 100 hours. Howard had goofed on them a little bit recently and the PD ended up writing a letter to him complaining that it was like a giant picking on an ant and it just wasn't right. Howard said he's going to stop talking about it from now on. Before he did that though, he played the phony phone calls that Craig Gass made to them as Gene Simmons, Sam Kinison and Crazy Cabbie.
Gary told Howard that getting Hank into the city is quite a project for his manager, Doug Goodstein from E!. Gary said he sends him a bus ticket and when Hank arrives at the bus station he's supposed to stay put. He always ends up not being there and Doug has to chase him down.
Howard talked a little bit about Hank being in tomorrow's episode of ''Son of the Beach''. Hank said after he comes on the show to promote it tomorrow, he's going to go home, watch the show, tape it, then watch it again. Howard said he's got quite a night ahead of him tomorrow.
Through the whole phone call Hank kept wondering if his phone was crapping out. He'd say ''Hello?'' a few times until Howard told him that he was still on. Robin said it was more fun to talk to Hank on the phone than it was to talk to him in the studio. It's funnier to hear him all confused on the phone. Howard eventually wrapped up the call and told Hank to be ready to talk about behind the scenes stuff from the show. Hank sounded a little overwhelmed so Howard told him to just be ready to get up to get to the show on time.
Howard said they had to cut one scene from the show. Hank throws up at one point and then sucks up his own vomit. He said FX made them cut it and Tim Stack couldn't believe it. Howard said he understood because it was very graphic. Howard said that Tim's character, Notch Johnson, is always puking on the show but it's so over the top that it looks fake. When Hank puked it looked too real for the FX people. Howard thinks that Hank really puked and they just used that cut instead of a fake puke. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said his favorite dead guy interview was Fred Gwynn who played Herman Munster on ''The Munsters.'' He said that guy hated being asked about the Munsters and he just wanted that character to go away. They talked about the interview with Tom Landry too.
Howard said that the best interview to review will be Billy Crystal after he dies. Howard played the Billy Crystal interview where Billy tells John to take the tape back to Howard and shove it up his ass. Billy also says it's not funny and it's not fun for him. It sure has made a lot of fun moments on the show though.
Howard also played some clips of this guy who does an impression of Billy being interviewed by John. He does the ''it's not funny, it's not fun'' thing. Howard played a few of those clips and said that they had him cut like a million of them.
Stuttering John came in and started talking about all of the stuff he's read about shark attacks too. He's up on his shark knowledge because he swims in the Long Island Sound. Mike told the guys that sharks usually stay in 80 feet of water but if there's no food there they'll come in close to shore and attack.
John and Mike told Howard different things that you're supposed to avoid to keep sharks away. They say you shouldn't wear flashy jewelry or bathing suits. Anything that gives you a contrast will attract the sharks attention.
Mike told Howard that the stories he wrote about are true and there's one part of the story where a kid gets attacked in a creek! He says that this one shark was mentally ill when it went on this series of killings back in 1916.
Mike told Howard that the laces to avoid are the west coast where there are sea lions because they attract sharks. He said that Florida is the place where the most attacks happen and down in the Caribbean is another place you'll want to avoid.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy told him that a long time ago people would get a bunch of black guys to swim around them because the sharks can't see them. Mike told Howard that was a myth. The people would actually do that so if there was a shark attack, it would attack one of the black people first. A couple of other phone callers shared their shark stories too. One guy said he didn't know about the jewelry thing and he was almost attacked by a bunch of barracudas while he was down in Mexico on vacation.
KC was in and he was wondering if there was any other thing in the ocean that can attack you like a sea turtle or something. Howard told him not to be such a pussy about stuff like that. ''Al Pacino's Baby'' (Craig Gass) told Howard that he was in his kiddie pool out in California when he saw what he thought was a barracuda. He said he stabbed it with his pacifier but it turned out to be a piece of poop. He said he ended up eating it.
Howard said you can find out more about Michael's book at CloseToShore.net.
Howard said he had to go to break but ended up talking about the movie ''Pearl Harbor'' and how bad Stuttering John thought it was. Robin said that she hated it too and thought that it was one of the most wooden performances that Ben Affleck has ever given. She and John spent a short time goofing on the movie.
Howard said he just saw ''Traffic'' on DVD and thought it was really good. He spent a minute talking about that and then went to break.
Cabbie was also asking Howard if he could contact Dr. Calabro to see if he could give him a penis enlargement. Howard can't believe he'd want to go through that but he said he'd find out for him even though he doesn't think he should be involved.
Howard brought up this penis contest they're having later this week. Cabbie said he wanted to enter but he can't because he's an employee of the station. He knows a guy that would take his place but Howard didn't say yes to the guy.
Howard said there will be 3 Penthouse girls and a gay guy judging the contest later this week. He ended up playing tapes of the gay guy who calls the show's voice mail all the time and leaves messages. The guy was singing songs to AJ Benza because he's apparently in love with him.
Howard had a barbecue over the weekend and one of the 8 year olds that showed up was supposed to eat only Kosher food. Howard didn't know exactly what to do about that so he ended up getting some Hebrew National hot dogs. He said he later learned that the kid didn't like hot dogs so he had to get some Kosher chicken. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to cook it on the same grill as other foods but he did it anyway. After going through a whole big thing with the food the kid never ate any of the food he made.
Howard and Robin discussed the whole Kosher thing and tried to figure some of it out. They didn't have much luck. Howard said he's seen the kid eating non-Kosher foods and it's never been a problem before. He said she was eating some M&M's ice cream cookie thing and that wasn't Kosher. Howard said he tried one himself and enjoyed it.
Howard moved on to talk about a news story that caught his attention. There was this reviewer, David Manning, that always gave good, glowing reviews to Sony Picture movies. Over the weekend it was revealed that the guy doesn't exist. Sony created the name and wrote the reviews to give some good publicity to their movies. A spokesperson from Sony said that they used poor judgment in their decision to do that after Newsweek found out that the guy didn't exist. Even the newspaper that the guy was supposed to be from didn't have a clue their name was being used in the reviews.
Howard got a call from a 16 year old Orthodox Jewish girl who wanted to talk about the Kosher stuff. She was talking about Kashrut or something like that and Howard had some fun with that term. He was making it sound like she was a superhero calling her ''Kashrut Girl''. Craig Gass was doing his Gilbert Gottfried impression during the call and they had some fun with her. They had to go to break a short time after that call.
Craig was doing his Gene Simmons impression a bit and goofing on the whole KISS thing for a while. They had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard heard a commercial for Creed during the break. The band is selling t-shirts to benefit some charity called the Arms Wide Open Foundation. Howard played it and said that they should cool it with the band promotion. Robin suggested that the band just take some of the money they've made with their hit album and just donate it themselves instead of taking more of their fans money to donate. They replayed the commercial and goofed on it for a short time.
Howard said he was going through the tabloids and saw that Jim Carrey had fallen for another leading lady in a movie he was working on. He said that seems to be happening quite often. He played some audio clips of Jim talking about falling for this woman.
Howard read a few other stories about some other celebrities in the tabloids. He went through all a bunch of stories and talked about them with Robin.
Howard had some audio of Anthony Quinn to play. He just died over the weekend. Howard said that Quinn was in his 80s but he was married to a 40-something year old woman. Howard read that she had climbed into his bed when he was dying.
Howard said he can't believe she was just ''tuning by'' when she heard the show. He told her she would become his greatest listener as she starts ''monitoring'' the show every day. She said there would be not chance of that happening though. She had to run off to a meeting so she ended up hanging up on him.
Howard continued to make fun of the woman for a few minutes after she hung up. He kept up the ''Jewish Defender'' thing and goofed on that a bit. Craig Gass was doing his Gilbert Gottfried impression and throwing out a bunch of lines about the Jewish Defender thing.
Double A called in and told Howard how great the show was this morning. He said he was rolling on the floor laughing from some of the stuff they were doing. He asked Howard what he thinks is the hottest moment on the show for him. Double A was talking about the Lesbian sisters and also about the Cindy Margolis show when her friend Elisa was in.
Howard said that he used to like the shows when they'd have girls massaging him on the floor of the studio. He once had a mother and daughter team massaging him. The guys spent a minute on that and then got back to Robin's news.
Gary came in with some notes about Anthony Quinn and said that he had a son that drowned in W.C. Fields' pool when he was a child. As soon as Craig heard that he started doing his W.C. Fields impression and had some fun with that for a few minutes.
Gary read through some more of his notes while Howard and Craig were doing their W.C. Fields impressions. Howard said that he likes how they can't even really do W.C. Fields impressions but they're doing them anyway.
Robin read through some news stories about Rudy Giuliani's divorce, the Tony Awards and a few other things. Howard and Craig were still doing that W.C. Fields thing and even Fred was getting into it and throwing out a bunch of lines.
Robin had a news clip where Adam Sandler was talking about a movie he's in. Craig did his impression of him and sounded very much like the real guy. Robin ran through a few more stories and then wrapped up. Howard ended the show around 10:15am (Mastertape Theatre time).
Comedian Craig Gass was sitting in this morning. Howard had him do all of his voices for us to wake us up. Craig said that his ''Gene Simmons'' was actually quoted in the news over the weekend. He'd made a phony phone call to this DJ who set a Guinness world record for doing the longest continuous radio broadcast. He'd said something about the KISS Army being behind him and it was quoted in the news. Howard said the real Gene must like what they're doing because he sent Howard a giant bust of himself as well as two leather bound books, KISStory and KISStory 2 and a few other things. Howard said the bust is huge. He must be laughing about the whole thing. Howard thinks eventually Gene will bring a class action suit against him though.
Howard's weekend was shot because of the weather. He said it was raining and cold until about noon on Sunday. He also said he took some lessons on controlling the weather and he thinks it actually worked for a few minutes. He was able to make it clear up a little bit. He felt like a douche bag doing it but he gave it a try.
Howard and Robin agreed that today's best news story was the one about the crowned prince of Nepal going crazy and shooting his whole family. Robin said that England's Prince William is probably reading the story getting some ideas himself. He ended up doing all of this because his family didn't approve of the woman he wanted to marry.
Howard told Robin he watched the Mel Gibson movie ''What Women Want'' over the weekend and actually enjoyed it. Robin thinks he's nuts because that movie sucked. He said the first 20 minutes sucked but it got good once Mel's character could read women's minds.
Howard said they were supposed to have today off but they couldn't work that out. He did have Friday off though. He said even on the weekends he's up early at 5:30am or so because he's so used to it.
Howard said his oldest daughter, Emily, went to her prom last week. He got to meet her prom date who turned out to be a nice kid. He also got to meet the kid's parents who were also nice people. He didn't get to go prom dress shopping with her though. He said his ex-wife got to do that part of the deal. Howard said the whole thing felt like a wedding the way everyone does everything on Prom night. The kid who Emily went to the prom with was a college student. Howard said on Thursday night he ended up going to someone elses house to see his daughter off. She didn't stay home to get ready to go. Howard said all of his daughter's friends were getting their pictures taken. Howard is paranoid of photographers so he ended up telling one guy he didn't want any photos taken of him. It turned out to be one of the girls' father. He had to apologize to him after his ex-wife told him who it was.
Howard ended up talking about his days in high school and how he tried to make friends with a Jock but he was never able to do it. Howard said the guy never even acknowledged the fact that he was there when they car pooled together. When Howard started to get famous the guy wrote a letter to him trying to talk to him and how they should together. Howard said there's no way he was going to talk to this guy after the way he was treated. He even got another letter from him last year and the guy was still looking to get together. Howard said he might have the guy on the air to find out why he thinks he would want to be friends with him. It's Howard's turn to ignore this guy like he did to him in high school. Howard said the guy's younger brother was nice to him back then so maybe he'd hang out with him instead. Howard said he didn't even go to his own high school graduation because he hated it so much. He went right to work as a dish washer after school was done.
Howard said he got a letter from the Program Director of WFMU which was the station where the DJ set the world record for staying on air for over 100 hours. Howard had goofed on them a little bit and the PD ended up writing a letter to him complaining that it was like a giant picking on an ant and it just wasn't right. Howard said he's going to stop talking about it from now on. Before he did that though, he played the phony phone calls that Craig Gass made to them as Gene Simmons, Sam Kinison and Crazy Cabbie.
Howard talked a little bit about Hank being in tomorrow's episode of ''Son of the Beach''. Hank said after he comes on the show to promote it tomorrow, he's going to go home, watch the show, tape it, then watch it again. Howard said he's got quite a night ahead of him tomorrow.
Through the whole phone call Hank kept wondering if his phone was crapping out. He'd say ''Hello?'' a few times until Howard told him that he was still on. Robin said it was more fun to talk to Hank on the phone than it was to talk to him in the studio. It's funnier to hear him all confused on the phone. Howard eventually wrapped up the call and told Hank to be ready to talk about behind the scenes stuff from the show. Hank sounded a little overwhelmed so Howard told him to just be ready to get up to get to the show on time.
Howard said they had to cut one scene from the show. Hank throws up at one point and then sucks up his own vomit. He said FX made them cut it and Tim Stack couldn't believe it. Howard said he understood because it was very graphic. Howard said that Tim's character, Notch Johnson, is always puking on the show but it's so over the top that it looks fake. When Hank puked it looked too real for the FX people. Howard thinks that Hank really puked and they just used that cut instead of a fake puke.
John and Mike told Howard different things that you're supposed to avoid to keep sharks away. They say you shouldn't wear flashy jewelry or bathing suits. Anything that gives you a contrast will attract the sharks attention.
Mike told Howard that the stories he wrote about are true and there's one part of the story where a kid gets attacked in a creek! He says that this one shark was mentally ill when it went on this series of killings back in 1916.
Mike told Howard that the laces to avoid are the west coast where there are sea lions because they attract sharks. He said that Florida is the place where the most attacks happen and down in the Caribbean is another place you'll want to avoid.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy told him that a long time ago people would get a bunch of black guys to swim around them because the sharks can't see them. Mike told Howard that was a myth. The people would actually do that so if there was a shark attack, it would attack one of the black people first. A couple of other phone callers shared their shark stories too. One guy said he didn't know about the jewelry thing and he was almost attacked by a bunch of barracudas while he was down in Mexico on vacation.
KC was in and he was wondering if there was any other thing in the ocean that can attack you like a sea turtle or something. Howard told him not to be such a pussy about stuff like that. ''Al Pacino's Baby'' (Craig Gass) told Howard that he was in his kiddie pool out in California when he saw what he thought was a barracuda. He said he stabbed it with his pacifier but it turned out to be a piece of poop. He said he ended up eating it.
Howard said you can find out more about Michael's book at CloseToShore.net.
Cabbie was also asking Howard if he could contact Dr. Calabro to see if he could give him a penis enlargement. Howard can't believe he'd want to go through that but he said he'd find out for him even though he doesn't think he should be involved.
Howard brought up this penis contest they're having later this week. Cabbie said he wanted to enter but he can't because he's an employee of the station. He knows a guy that would take his place but Howard didn't say yes to the guy. Howard said there will be 3 Penthouse girls and a gay guy judging the contest later this week. He ended up playing tapes of the gay guy who calls the show's voice mail all the time and leaves messages. The guy was singing songs to AJ Benza because he's apparently in love with him.
After hanging up on Cabbie Howard played more voice mails that they've gotten. He had Tim the foot fetish guy calling up and saying that Beetlejuice and his posse just showed up at his apartment and they were going nuts. Howard said he thought that guy was kind of normal but he must have been wrong. He played one from a guy who always calls and complains about the Jews and how ugly they are. Another guy called Howard gay for liking the ''Moulin Rouge'' music video ''Lady Marmalade''.
Howard had a bar-b-que over the weekend and one of the 8 year olds that showed up was supposed to eat only Kosher food. Howard didn't know exactly what to do about that so he ended up getting some Hebrew National hot dogs. He said he later learned that the kid didn't like hot dogs so he had to get some Kosher chicken. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to cook it on the same grill as other foods but he did it anyway. After going through a whole big thing with the food the kid never ate any of the food he made. Howard and Robin discussed the whole Kosher thing and tried to figure some of it out. They didn't have much luck. Howard said he's seen the kid eating non-Kosher foods and it's never been a problem before. He said she was eating some M&M's ice cream cookie thing and that wasn't Kosher. Howard said he tried one himself and enjoyed it.
Howard moved on to talk about a news story that caught his attention. There was this reviewer, David Manning, that always gave good, glowing reviews to Sony Picture movies. Over the weekend it was revealed that the guy doesn't exist. Sony created the name and wrote the reviews to give some good publicity to their movies. A spokesperson from Sony said that they used poor judgement in their decision to do that after Newsweek found out that the guy didn't exist. Even the newspaper that the guy was supposed to be from didn't have a clue their name was being used in the reviews.
Howard got a call from a 16 year old Orthodox Jewish girl who wanted to talk about the Kosher stuff. She was talking about Kashrut or something like that and Howard had some fun with that term. He was making it sound like she was a superhero calling her ''Kashrut Girl''. Craig Gass was doing his Gilbert Gottfried impression during the call and they had some fun with her.
Howard had the Gene Simmons bust that he'd talked about earlier in the morning. He said that someone sent it to his apartment so they had to go fetch it. He showed it to everyone and got some laughter out of them. Howard said he wants to get the KISS catalog and turn it into Howard Stern stuff just as a goof. Howard doesn't believe in selling stuff like that to his listeners.
Howard heard this Creed commercial during a break. The band is selling t-shirts to benefit some charity called the Arms Wide Open Foundation. Howard played it and said that they should cool it with the band promotion. Robin suggested that the band just take some of the money they've made with their hit album and just donate it themselves instead of taking more of their fans money to donate.
Not long after the Kashrut discussion, a woman called in who just happened to be passing by Howard's show on the radio. She said she heard the Kashrut thing and had to listen. She said she just wanted to issue a complaint about the whole thing because it was very offensive and defamatory. Howard ended up making up a superhero name for her... ''Jewish Defender'' which she didn't particularly care for. She told Howard she usually listens to NPR but she was searching for the BBC when she came across WBCN up in Boston. Howard can't believe she was just ''tuning by'' when she heard the show. He told her she would become his greatest listener as she starts ''monitoring'' the show every day. She said there would be not chance of that happening though. She had to run off to a meeting so she ended up hanging up on him.
Howard asked Robin what movie was the biggest flop of all time financially. Robin guessed it was either ''Heaven's Gate'' or ''Ishtar''. Howard said according to the book ''The Top 10 of Everything 2001'' the worst movie was this year's ''Town and Country'' another Warren Beatty movie. It cost about $85 million to make and only made about $7 million in 4 weeks in theaters. Howard said he saw the movie and it wasn't all that bad.
Howard played tape of a new Daniel Carver KKK message this morning. In the message Danny talks about going to the Crazy Cabbie vs. Angry Black fight last month. He says that Cabbie showed that a white man can beat an ''angry ni****'' in a fight even though the two of them ended up hugging at the end of the fight. He called both of them ''retards'' in the message too.
Hank the Dwarf was supposed to come in later this morning to promote tonight's episode of ''Son of the Beach'' entitled ''It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World'' in which he appears. Before that happened Howard played a quick clip of one of his lines as well as tape of a message Hank left on his manager's answering machine. Howard played it but you couldn't understand what he was saying and there were other voices in the background so it annoyed the crap out of Howard. He didn't think it was funny and wondered why Doug Goodstein, Hank's manager, would think it's funny. Howard played a second tape of Hank talking to Doug's wife Marlo and it sounds like he's got a crush on her. Gary came in and said that Hank does have a crush on Marlo. He said that Doug has told him that Hank holds her hand and touches her in a way that's kind of uncomfortable.
After listening to the tape Howard told Gary not to take Doug's word on what's funny. Gary said that Doug doesn't have a very good ear for editing so he usually ends up giving him all of the tape he has from video shoots. Gary says he has to tell Doug to just pull the funny parts because he ends up getting like 9 hours of tape from one shoot.
Doug called in and said that Gary told him to pull those tapes before he heard them. It wasn't his fault that they weren't funny. We also found out that Hank was supposed to be at the station already but High Pitch Erik was bringing him over so he was late. Doug said he actually pays Erik to watch him even though Hank dislikes Erik. Doug says Hank will be staying with another guy tonight so he has to pay him a couple hundred bucks to do that. Doug said Hank farts all night so these people have to put up with that crap. Gary said that he farts quite a bit when he's sleeping too. Howard said the same thing. He said his girlfriend has mentioned it before but it doesn't piss her off or anything. Gary then said he was peeing in a urinal one time and he let a fart go. A guy standing there said ''Do you mind?'' Gary wondered where he's supposed to fart if he can't fart in a bathroom.
Somehow everyone got on the subject of Robby Benson when Gary brought up a movie he saw where Benson was a college football star. Howard ended up goofing on Benson's effeminate voice for a few minutes.
Marie went on to ask Howard some questions about what he wants in a woman. Some of the things he's looking for are going to be hard to find. Howard said he wants a woman between 24 and 30 who's good looking, smart and will honor him. Howard said he'd be willing to date someone with a ''butter face'' (everything looks good but her face) if she has a great body. He also doesn't want a woman who wants a kid. He doesn't want any more children. Marie told Howard that it's going to be tough to find someone that young who would be his best friend and not want a kid. Howard also asked for a taller woman who doesn't talk like Marie and her daughter. Their voices were kind of grating to him. They both took offense to that comment but hey, that's just Howard.
Marie said she charges $1,900 to do this whole thing and she said she'll search for someone until she finds someone just right for you. Howard and Robin wonder how she's going to break it to the woman that it's Howard she's setting her up with. Marie said she hasn't thought about that quite yet. She'll deal with that when the time comes.
You can find out more info at Marie's web site Introductions3.com. Howard checked it out real quick and you can see Marie and her two daughters pictures there. One is 21 and the other, Corinda, is 24. Howard said they're all pretty good looking. Howard said he'd even give Marie ''a twirl''. A few minutes later a woman called in who said she was just right for Howard. She described her self as being 5'6'' tall (too short according to Howard), 36 DD breasts, blonde hair, blue eyes and 120 pounds. Howard said it sounded pretty good but he told her to go to Marie's web site to sign up with her service to try and get picked as his soul mate. So now Howard just has to wait until Marie finds his soul mate. She'll bring down a couple of women for Howard to choose from sometime in the near future.
Hank the dwarf showed up this morning to promote his appearance on tonight's ''Son of the Beach''. Howard said Hank was carrying a two bottles of alcoholic drinks when he came in. One of the bottles was huge and the other was quite a bit smaller. Hank said the big one contained Orange drink and Coke mixed with ''Vahka'' or Vodka without the drunken speech slur. The smaller one contained fruit punch and ''Vahka''. Howard watched Hank try and get up on the couch for a few seconds before having KC help him out. Howard said he was climbing up without letting go of his bottles so it was impossible for him to get up there alone.
Howard talked to Hank about the days he spent shooting his scenes for ''Son of the Beach'' and how he wasn't able to drink. Hank said he'd go out drinking after their day was done. He'd leave the set around 5pm and stay out until the bars closed. He said he'd have a hangover in the morning but he was able to work that way. Howard played a clip from the show and took some phone calls for Hank. Most callers just call Hank a midget because it gets him really pissed off. Hank would then just go off on these people yelling at them.
Howard was talking to KC earlier in the show about how dopey he is and how he's probably no smarter than High Pitch Erik. This led to Howard holding a quick quiz for the two of them. He asked about 15 general knowledge questions like:
Howard started telling Belzer how he was invited to this Friars Club Roast where he'll be roasted. He said he'd like to go to one but he won't be going to this one for some reason. He then started telling Belzer some of the stuff the comedians will be goofing on. He brought up Belzer's bad skin condition and the fact that he has only one ball. Then he started doing jokes about Belzer's wife and how she was in a soft core porn movie. This led to every joke being about Belzer's wife. Craig Gass joined in with his ''Christopher Walken'' and ''Gene Simmons'' impressions doing jokes about Belzer and his wife. Belzer said he didn't think that the roast was going to be all that bad but Howard was just giving him a PG rated version. He said he had a lot of ball jokes that he couldn't even mention on the air and that's where everyone will be heading in the roast.
Belzer kept trying to announce some of the names of the people who would be roasting him on Saturday but Howard kept interrupting with more and more jokes. Belzer eventually got it out that people like Bill Maher, Robert Klein, Jeffrey Ross, Dom Irerra, Barry Levinson, Susie Essman, Al Franken and Ice T will be roasting him. You can get tickets by calling TicketMaster.
To make matters worse, Elegant Elliott Offen showed up at the station to make a big announcement. See below...
Craig Gass did a great impression of Elliott but it didn't last long because Elliott overpowered his impression with his own loud voice. Even Richard Belzer tried to get into it with him but Elliott said he looked like an AIDS patient.
The subject of Elliott's felony fraud arrest from 20 years ago also came up. He said he spent 14 months in prison and ever since then he's been a model citizen. He said the original sentence for him was supposed to be 14 years but because he was such a model prisoner, they let him out after 14 months. Howard eventually had to silence the guy to get him out of the studio. That's tough but he just had to announce the pamphlet that he's always plugging to shut him up.
Howard brought up Beetlejuice who was scheduled for later in the program during David Duchovny's segment. Howard and the crew ended up discussing how wacky Beet is and how drunk Hank the Dwarf is all the time because he's a dwarf.
Extreme fan Bobo called in to tell Howard how great last night's episode of ''Son of the Beach'' was. He said Hank the dwarf and Gary were ''naturals'' on the show. Howard said he didn't get the ending with Gary though. He didn't think it was all that funny. Gary said he just happened to be out in L.A. when they shot that episode so they threw it in at the last minute. Howard just didn't get the whole thing.
Howard said they've been unable to get a hold of Hank this morning. They wanted to talk to him about the show last night but he's not answering his phone. He wondered why Hank's mother doesn't answer the phone for him. Howard then spent a few minutes talking about Hank's drinking and how it might just kill him soon. Hank heard the discussion and called in a short time later. Gary asked him if he realizes that if he continues to drink that he might not live much longer. Hank just said ''I don't know...'' Gary said he sometimes wonders which clips he'll pull when they have to do a tribute to him.
Hank said he got home around 5 last night, stayed awake until 10 and watched his episode of ''Son of the Beach''. He taped it, went to a bar and then came back and watched it again. For some reason Hank mentioned his father who he still lives with. He never mentioned his father before. It's usually just his mother he brings up. Hank said that he's just waiting for his parents to leave the house instead of leaving it himself. He said he pays rent to his parents based on a percentage of what he makes doing his appearances.
Gary asked Hank if he brings chicks back to the house to bang. Hank said his father once caught him in bed with a woman that was older than his mother.
Stuttering John came in and said that Hank's manager gives a lot of his earnings to Hank's mother so he doesn't spend it all on alcohol. Hank was unaware of this fact.
Hank said he was kind of upset that they took his puking scene out of the show last night. Howard said they had to edit it out because it looked so realistic. Otherwise, Hank was happy with his performance on the show. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Hank if he remembered her. He didn't until she sang a little bit of the Star Spangled Banner for him. She said he was very nice when she hung out with him. Another dwarf called in and said Hank makes him sick because he's got all of these opportunities in his life and he doesn't need to be a ''drunk, lazy, idiot''. Hank said ''I'm not a drunk, lazy, idiot... I'm just a drunk.''
A guy claiming to be a doctor told Hank that he'll surely die if he doesn't stop drinking. The only problem is when he stops drinking, he gets seizures. It might be too late to stop drinking for Hank. He said his parent never even yell at him for drinking. They must understand what it must be like for a dwarf to try and get along in this world.
Howard came out and was so freaked out by the whole experience that he doesn't know what he agreed to in the TV show meeting he had with the King World people. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said he could tell something was up because Howard was so angry the whole time. Howard said the whole crew ended up having their meeting in the studio but the stink never made it out of the bathroom. He did notice that one of his fingers stunk. He kept smelling all of his fingers wondering which ones stunk but it was only one.
Jessica Hahn called in and gave Howard some advice about flushing big dumps. She said boiling water works but Howard doesn't have access to that in his bathroom. She has experience with big messes because Sam Kinison once crapped all over a hotel room. She had to clean that up so she knows more that she should. None of her advice would have helped Howard though.
After the poop discussion Howard spoke to Dave Chappelle for a few minutes. Dave is appearing in the Toyota Comedy Festival tonight so that's a big deal for him. Howard also talked about going to the Hugo Boss store and picking out some new clothing. He eventually had to stop and take a break from all of the excitement though.
Howard was telling David how good looking his is and how he noticed his nice ass as he walked in. David said that he shows his ass in the movie so he can check that out if he wants to see his naked ass. That led to them discussing Howard's nasty ass from the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards when he was Fartman. Howard said after that he started working out to get rid of his cellulite ridden ass.
Duchovny mentioned his 2 year old baby and Dave Chappelle told him it's too old to fight his baby. Chappelle said that his kid is a fighter and he likes watching baby fights.
Howard gave a couple of plugs for ''Evolution'' and let David talk a little bit about that. Duchovny said that it's a fun comedy in the same genre as ''Ghost Busters''. He thinks it's really funny of course.
Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf came in to meet David Duchovny also. He was dressed up like an alien to celebrate the new movie. Howard spoke to Beet for a few minutes about the movies he'll be in this summer also. Beet is going to be in ''Scary Movie 2'' and ''Bubble Boy''. Beet told Duchovny that he also directed both of the movies as well. He tends to lie a lot.
Howard asked Duchovny about the whole ''X-Files'' thing too. Howard said he read that his ''X-Files'' co-star Gillian Anderson had bad mouthed him saying that the new guy, Robert Patrick, gave new life to the show. David said that he can't believe that she said anything like that. He said they had a nice working relationship on the show and he doesn't believe she'd bad mouth him even after he decided not to return to the show. Howard wondered why David would leave the show after 8 years. He was making big money after being on it so long. David said he just wasn't happy doing it anymore so he had to move on. Howard told him that the movie thing is very unpredictable and if this movie fails he might be finished. David joked around and said that Howard was scaring him talking that way. He also told Howard that he did add up the figures to see what he could make on a 9th season of the ''X-Files'' and it was very enticing. He still decided not to do it.
Howard took a bunch of quick phone calls for David before talking about who his Hollywood friends are. David is still very friendly with Garry Shandling so Howard ended up discussing that whole relationship for a few minutes. Howard said he read that Garry is so hard up for women that he has Warren Beatty ask women out for him. Then Howard heard that Garry is dating Calista Flockhart from ''Ally McBeal''. Duchovny said that's not true though. He said Garry knows her and is friendly with her but he's not dating her. Howard then asked Duchovny who Garry is dating. David said he didn't know. Howard was thinking that Garry told David to avoid talking about Calista as being his woman but David said that's not true.
Howard took another set of quick phone calls for David as he was wrapping up the segment. He also saw in his notes something about David going to an online therapist. That wasn't quite right though. David said his former therapist started a new web site called YourTherapist.com and asked David to give his approval. David said his therapist was great and he agreed to do that. He's not still seeing the guy, he just endorses him.
Dave Chappelle was joking around and said that he and Beetlejuice are crime fighters over the weekends. Beetlejuice, who will agree to anything, said that was true. Chappelle said it wasn't Giuliani who cleaned up New York City, it was Beetlejuice and him. Beetle just keeps yessing every question he gets about the crime fighting. Howard said he sees a buddy-movie featuring Beet and Chappelle. Duchovny had to go do another show this morning so Howard had to wrap things up a little early.
Howard said he had an embarrassing moment during the break. He said that he, David Duchovny and Dave Chappelle decided to take a picture together. Howard said Duchovny put his hand on his back during the photo shoot. Howard says he's not usually a sweaty guy but sitting in his leather chair under the hot TV show lights made his back sweaty. He could feel it and wondered if Duchovny would feel it. After they were done with the pictures David says to Howard ''...you sure sweat a lot...'' Howard said he tried to tell David that he's not usually sweaty though. David just said ''yeah right'' and said he had to go wash his hands. Howard said he even yelled to David as he was leaving ''Hey David, I don't sweat!'' Howard said the company promised him they'd do something about the hot studio when he signed his new contract but he's still wondering if and when that will ever happen. He complained about that for a few minutes before moving on to other stuff.
Gary was in the studio to talk about going to one of these Spin classes. He said he thinks he was in a gay instructor class because the music he played was kind of gay. Gary first explained the Spin class idea. He said an instructor basically plays music and has people riding these stationary bikes. They pretend to ride up hills and crap like that. So Gary said the instructor played a Porno For Pyros song that was pretty cool. Then he played 3 old songs about Diamonds. One was ''Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend'' which is impossible to ride a bike to. Then he played a disco version of ''Diamonds are Forever'' that also sucked and then it was Janet Jackson's ''Diamonds'' song. Gary said there were more guys in the class than usual also. He said he now knows what a black guy feels like when he walks into a room full of white people.
A couple of phone callers told Gary that he is gay just because he goes to the Spin class. He even agreed that he's been neutered since he got married and he does a lot of stuff he never would have in the past.
Howard had clips from the Tony Awards show so he spent a few minutes goofing on the awful Broadway songs that they play in these musicals like The Producers. He also talked about how Matthew Broderick sure likes to surround himself with gay guys. He always plays parts that make him seem gay and Howard doesn't think he can possibly be satisfying his wife Sarah Jessica Parker. Howard ended up making up his own musical and his own songs including the ''It Doesn't Matter'' song and the ''F-You'' song. He started to make up a song about his clogged toilet incident but gave up on it so he could take a commercial break. He got as far as ''In the bathroom, struggling with the flush...'' before ending it.
Howard brought up this whole FCC thing where they've now fined a radio station for playing an Eminem song because it had some sexually suggestive words in it. Howard said he's happy about it just because it's finally getting everyone to notice how ridiculous the FCC is about this stuff. He said they've been leaving him alone lately but that's because Andre is hitting the delay on everything he says now.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he knows the place where the show was that AJ went to last night. He was going to give out a web site for the club but Howard stopped him so he wouldn't ruin it for everyone. AJ said it's an invitation only site and you have to go to it as a couple.
Howard was at a dance recital last night for his daughter. He said it was for his youngest daughter and there were a couple of funny moments. One kid fell while doing her dance. Howard said the kids actually remember their dance steps and dance to groups like Destiny's Child.
Howard said people were surprised to see him at this dance thing and one old guy was annoying him so he had to tell him to get lost. There were a lot of hot moms, or MILFs (Mothers I'd Like To F) at the dance thing. Chaunce was still on the phone and he thinks that there are only hot moms there because it's probably a private school and the rich guys get the hot chicks. Howard thinks he's nuts. He did say that there were some mothers who could be strippers because they're so hot. Howard suggested that if guys want to meet women, just go to things in the afternoon that women usually do. He said since these things are in the afternoon he's the only dad there. He said if a guy goes to a PTA meeting he'll probably meet a lot of women because guys don't usually care.
After the E! crew showed some old picture of Chaunce's penis on Howard's TV screen he had to take a break. Chaunce made sure to plug his new web site ChaunceHayden.com before he got off the phone.
Howard played more tape of Dikembe Mutambo talking about his team winning their game against the LA Lakers last night. Howard has been playing Dikembe and tape of Cookie Monster because the two of them sound alike. Howard played with that for a couple of minutes and said he could do that all day. He quickly moved on to talk about Don Imus' show and how Imus fired his sports caster because he made some racist remarks about the Williams sisters. Meanwhile, Howard said that when he worked with Imus, he used to call people around the station ''nig***s''. He and Robin both saw him do that on at least one occasion.
Monica continued to complain about AJ and how she didn't even think that this was a ''date''. She thought it was going to be a friendly kind of dinner or something. She said that she's most upset about AJ talking about their date on the air a few weeks ago. Howard and AJ both said that he didn't mention her name so no one would even know who they were talking about. She said all of her friends know that they dated that one time and what he said was negative. All he said was that he went on a date with a woman who brought her baby and it turned out to be pretty good after he got over the fact that the baby was there. That's not so negative.
Monica refused to talk about the father of the baby and she kept repeating the fact that she takes care of her own baby. AJ knows that it's a famous guy but he doesn't have a name. She wouldn't say anything about the father at all. Howard wondered why she had the baby at all. He asked her why she didn't have an abortion and even AJ said that wasn't a nice thing to ask her.
Some phone callers think that she's got a gag order and that's why she won't talk about the father of her baby. She said nothing like that is going on. Other callers think she got pregnant on purpose so she could get famous. She denies that also. We then found out that she was on camera for this interview. She was complaining about AJ talking about her anonymously and then she agrees to be videotaped for the show. That didn't make much sense. She said it wasn't her idea... but she agreed to do it anyway. Howard never did get why she was calling in. She just kept saying that she wanted to talk to AJ about the whole thing and how rude it was for him to talk about her on the air. Even though he never mentioned her name?
After the break Howard came back and started the contest. He quickly mentioned that the Penthouse Pets will be at club Ohm tonight and you can go visit them starting at 10pm. You can also check them out on Penthouse.com
Howard rushed through the whole competition. He introduced each guy and had them quickly take off their robes to show their penis. Each of the 3 judges would then rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Here are the contestants:
Bernie told Howard that he's not always the Bernie you see on camera. He has an act just like Howard does and when he's off camera, he's a different guy. He hasn't had the easiest life either. He was called names by other black kids as a child because his skin was so dark. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Bernie also talked about how he lived in a 3 bedroom house with a total of 13 people. Most of them died at young ages and none of them are left now. He told Howard he doesn't have any family to share his accomplishments with. He does have a wife of 25 years but that relationship hasn't been easy either. Bernie said he was on the road 48 weeks a year for 13 years or so. He and his wife have cheated on each other and have gone through not speaking to each other. He said now they're over that stuff and they're best friends.
Bernie told Howard how his mother had cancer for 7 years and never told her kids about it. He said he looks back on that situation and sees that it was a very brave thing for her to do. He didn't see it that way when he was a kid though. Bernie also shared some of the other stories of death in his family with Howard. Howard asked him if he feels like a jinx in any way because so many people in his life have died. Bernie doesn't feel that way at all. He doesn't pity himself either. He's just enjoying what he has.
Howard asked Bernie about how he got started doing stand-up comedy in the subways and parks of Chicago. Bernie said he'd read the news in the morning and go on the subway and do some comedy for commuters. He wouldn't ask for money but he did have a little box that people would fill with cash. He said he could make $500 a day doing that. After 4 or 5 years he decided he wanted to be recognized for this work and started doing this stuff in comedy clubs. He said he even did some comedy at his grandfather's funeral. He said everyone was so sad. He went up in front of the people there and did an impression of his grandfather that got everyone in a more upbeat mood. He said he got a lot of positive phone calls after doing that.
Howard asked Bernie about working with Martin Lawrence in this movie ''What's the Worst That Could Happen''. Martin is ''going through something'' according to Bernie that's making him a little crazy. Bernie thinks it's got to do with Los Angeles and how everything a celebrity does becomes public knowledge. That'll drive anyone crazy. Howard mentioned Eddie Murphy's alleged foot fetish as an example. Bernie started to defend Eddie saying ''Hey, that's my man... Not literally of course...''
Bernie also spoke a little bit about Danny Devito who he said is a great guy. He's working on some kind of project with Danny too. Bernie also mentioned that he'll play a con-man in the movie ''Oceans Eleven'' which also stars Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and many others. He said all of those people were great also.
As Howard was wrapping up the segment he took a couple of very positive phone calls for Bernie. One guy told Bernie not to sell out and become politically correct with this new sitcom he has coming out. He told Bernie that he's really funny just the way he is. Bernie says he's really not a TV guy and he's going to keep doing his comedy no matter what. He'll be touring next year.
Mob informant Henry Hill called in to give Howard some information about the basketball game between the Lakers and the 76ers. Henry is back to drinking and he was sloshed this morning. He said he wasn't drunk but he was drinking last night. Apparently when Henry called in he cursed out one of the young interns out in the office too. Henry was cleaning himself up when Howard last saw him out in Los Angeles so he wondered what happened. Henry said he lost a lot of money when he bet that the Los Angeles Lakers would take the series in 4 games. He lost a big bundle ($100,000?) so that's probably why he's drinking. Howard thought Henry knew that all the games are fixed. Henry said they are... but he lost the bet. Henry was cursing out the team and blacks in general. He was even placing some of the blame on Robin for some reason. Henry said he placed the bet on a ''dot com'' but he wouldn't say exactly which one it was. He's way into this online thing now that he's got his own web site GoodFellaHenry.com. Henry said that the Lakers will win tonight's game by 21 points. Robin asked him how he knows that and Henry called her a ''Moulie'' and told her to shut up. He's really angry at the blacks for no reason.
Howard wondered what kind of house Henry must be living in. He thinks it's a dive where Henry has to sleep on a cot and the smell of pee is wafting through the air. Howard told Henry that if he'd just laid low he could have kept on going doing his thing for the mob. KC came in and asked Henry who he's picking for the big horse race that's coming up this weekend. Henry said he's going with the horse that won the first one... Minarkos or something like that. KC has no money himself but he's going to be betting on the horses. Howard wrapped up the call after a couple of minutes so he could take a break.
Howard said the highlight of last night's MTV Movie Awards show was Shannon Elizabeth's see through outfit. She didn't have a bra on and you could see her big fake breasts. Joe Rogan said that if he can touch breasts, they're real whether or not they have implants. Howard then talked about how he saw his friend's breasts when she was breast feeding her baby. He said it's weird how once women get pregnant they're willing to show some breast.
Howard talked to Joe about how he dated Jerri Manthey from the latest ''Survivor'' series. Joe said he dated her when she was still hot. He said he had his ''no-head-shot'' dating rule in effect but he dated her anyway. Joe and Howard talked about the attitude actresses have. Joe said that he dated other actresses but no one we'd know. He said Jerri was a good person and his mother was upset with him when he broke up with her. Once she got on ''Survivor'' he thought he had proof that it was a good idea to break up with her. His mother still rooted for her on the show. Howard said that mothers have a weird idea about who their kids should marry. He said that the idea that you should get married at all is weird. He said that his kids now say that they'll never get married since their parents couldn't even stay together.
Howard was talking about how he never wants to be a grandfather and then said it wouldn't be a bad thing to never have grandchildren. He brought up a story about seeing some guy checking out his oldest daughter's ass at a supermarket and how he ended up grabbing her and taking her out of the store so the guy couldn't keep looking. He still thinks of her as his baby.
Gary said Howard has probably chased an ass or two. Howard said that of course he has. Then he got on the subject of George W. Bush's two hot daughters and how he'd like to chase those asses. Joe Rogan suggested that to get Bush to change his mind about the abortion issue they should knock up his daughters. Howard said they should get someone like Bernie Mac or Chris Rock to knock them up. Howard suggested basketball player Dikembe Mutambo. He then played tape of Dikembe and goofed on him for a few minutes about how he sounds like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Howard didn't waste much time before getting Zefra nude. She took off her shoes, then her pants and Howard said she wasn't wearing underwear. She was also totally shaved. She had a butterfly tattoo above her ass crack that looked like a mistake according to Robin. She then took off her top. Howard asked the guys what they all though. Gary said she was good, Joe said ''Bravo'' and Howard thought she was pretty good looking. Gary said she could lose a little weight in the belly. Howard said her thighs were getting a little dimpled. Her breasts were real so they were starting to sag but Howard and Gary told her not to get them done. KC suggested she could get them lifted a little bit. Howard said she's got about 3 more years before they need to be fixed.
Howard then had Zefra do some exercises in front of them. He had her do 10 jumping jacks. Stuttering John suggested that they throw money on the floor and have her pick it up. John threw a dollar bill down and she did it but she squatted down, not what John was looking for. Howard told her that if she didn't squat he'd give her $100. She eventually agreed to do it and stayed bent over for 2 seconds. Everyone enjoyed that. They all wanted her to do more but Howard ended it so he could take a break and move on to Joe Frasier and Shannon Briggs. He thanked Zefra for coming in and took a break.
Howard talked to Shannon Briggs about what he wants to do to. Shannon says he wants to fight Mike Tyson because it would be a great victory for him. Howard always tells Shannon that he should just give up fighting. He models and Howard can't understand why he'd want to mess up his face. Shannon doesn't want to hear that stuff from Howard though.
Howard took a few quick phone calls and then plugged all of the guy's stuff. You can find out more about Shannon at ShannonBriggs.com. Joe will be signing autographs later this month and you can find out more at TheNational.net and at PrinceMarketingGroup.com you can get more info on Joe.
Howard couldn't believe anyone would leave her because she's so hot. He went on to tell her what he'd do with her every day. He told her how he'd take her out to dinner and then bring her home and have her take her pants off but leave her top on. Then he'd have her stand against the wall while he stares at her and admires her... while he puts on a rubber and gets ready for her. Then he'd lift her up against the wall and make love to her. He told her that when he was done he'd give her the condom and let her hold it. Then they'd call her ex-husband and tell him what they just did. Shaune just giggled through the whole discussion.
Shaune said that Jeff has since remarried and had a kid. She doesn't speak to him now that he's remarried though.
Howard was trying to get to Mike Walker but he was having too much fun talking to Shaune. Mike brought up a movie that she was in called ''Vasectomy, A Delicate Matter'' and how she just calls it ''A Delicate Matter'' because she doesn't like the ''Vasectomy'' part of it. It was her first movie and she doesn't publicize it all that much. Mike also brought up how rich guy Ron Pearlman used to chase Shaune around trying to get a date with her. She said he did that and he wouldn't take ''no'' for an answer. She said the more she'd tell him ''no'', the more he'd ask her out. It creeped her out.
Howard asked Shaune if her breasts were real and she claims they are. She filled out her halter top really well according to Howard. Later in the show some of the guys in the E! room were arguing about them and some of them think they're fake. Whatever, they look great on her web site.
Howard finally got to Mike Walker who was listening patiently on the phone. Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. You can win money there also. Here are this week's stories:
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Shaune about her breasts and whether or not they're real before wrapping up the segment.
