Howard spent a little bit of time talking about seeing Cardinal John O'Connor displayed in his casket this weekend. He said his head looks like it won't fit in the casket when they bury him. He and Robin also said it looked like his legs were missing. It may have just been the angle they were seeing him at though.
A listener called in and questioned Howard about why he uses tissues to get rid of his ''stuff'' after he masturbates. The caller said that he uses his favorite rag to dispose of his stuff. That led to a discussion between all of the guys about how they get rid of their stuff. Stuttering John says that he usually uses whatever clothing he has lying around his bed. He also told Howard that sometimes he'll just finish himself off on his stomach and pull his underwear up high and sleep on it. Everyone agreed that John is just disgusting. He says he wouldn't know how to explain used tissues to his wife if she found them next to the bed. John said that he sometimes does himself while his wife is sleeping in the bed too. He said that he hopes that if she wakes up to the bed rocking that she'd think he was petting his cat. Gary said he prefers tissues. He admitted that he's actually masturbated in front of other women in his life. Howard said he's never done that and he never even admitted that he did it to his wife. He said now he'd probably do it in front of a woman if she asked. Some of the guys also talked about where they've had sex. John said that he's had oral in a taxi and in a bar. He also said he had sex in a hotel hot tub with people sitting around the pool drinking. He thinks that no one saw him do it but Gary thinks that everyone around him knew what he was up to and John is just too dopey to realize it. Gary said that he's had sex in an elevator but no one saw it happen. He also said he did it with one girlfriend while he thought his friends were sleeping nearby. He said the next day 4 of his friends said they heard what happened and thought it was pretty cool. Fred said he's done it in a cab and on the beach but didn't get into much detail.
Big Black called in with tape of Access Hollywood talking about the recent Kathie Lee CD signing where someone dumped a bag full of rats on her desk. They included a comment Howard made about the situation in their report. Howard had said that he didn't think it was right for anyone to dump rats on her like that.
Howard read part of an article that discussed celebrities who are missing fingers. It mentioned Telly Savalas, James Doohan, Darryl Hannah, Boris Yeltsin and Jerry Garcia. The article didn't give the details of how they lost their fingers though. They made jokes instead. Howard thought it would be cool to find out just how they lost their digits.
One caller said that he was on the set and Savanna had an ''accident'' because she hadn't cleaned herself out enough. She said that wasn't true though. She told Howard that she cleaned herself out with an enema before the scenes were shot. She also gave Howard a little demonstration of what she sounded like during the sex. Howard was getting into it but she stopped about 5 seconds in. Savanna has a pretty open marriage with her husband and said that she could probably have sex with Howard as long as she told her husband that she was going to do it. Gary asked her what she'd do if her husband wanted to be with another woman. She said that she's like to think that she'd be invited to join in. She said she'd be pretty devastated if he went out and did another woman without letting her know about it. You can see Savanna and her husband having sex at her web site.. SavannaMakeMe.com
Howard said he had a long day after the show because he went out to visit his kids on Long Island yesterday afternoon. He said it took way to long because of traffic and he didn't have much time to spend with them before he had to come back to the city. Then he had trouble getting to sleep so he was going to masturbate to tire himself. He was having trouble the other day and again last night. He said it was like pulling a rubber band.. nothing was happening. He told Robin that he took an online test at SimplicityOnline.com that tells you if you're depressed and according to the test, he is very depressed. He thinks that's why he can't pleasure himself. He said the test is made for women but men can take it too. He said he got 66 points on the test and that's pretty bad. It told him he was ''Bluer than blue.''
After that he decided to put on some porn to try and get excited. Gary had given him an interactive DVD called ''Diana Lauren Presents Interactive Mind Teaser'' so Howard tried it out. He said the DVD instructed him to hit some button on his DVD player that didn't exist so he was hitting buttons to try and fast forward. It didn't work and some woman comes on the screen and tells him he doesn't know what he's doing. He eventually got fed up with it and destroyed the DVD. He moved on to watch the ''Erotic Witch Project'', a porn take off on ''The Blair Witch Project''. He said the women in it are all pigs and he was having a problem getting off on that also. He eventually got to a scene that got him excited and was able to complete his task. He said he doesn't recommend either movie.
Howard asked Bruce, who's a large man, if he's going to lose weight so that he can pick up more guys. Bruce said he's not planning on doing that and he's having no problem picking up guys. He said now that he's on Hollywood Squares he doesn't have any trouble getting guys. His appeal is broadening now. Howard asked him if he's had any relationships with famous people. Bruce said he has but he'd have to think about names. He never revealed any of the people he has had sex with. Howard asked him if he ever did Gilbert Gottfried who's a regular on 'Squares. Bruce said that he's pretty sure that Gilbert likes women.
Howard asked Bruce if he gets much hate mail for being openly gay on Hollywood Squares. Bruce said that he gets mail asking him why he has to be ''so gay'' on the show. They don't like the fact that he talks about it so much but Bruce said that's part of his life so he talks about it.
Howard brought up a couple more things that Bruce takes credit for. He's responsible for the Ted Danson in black face incident when he was at the Whoopi Goldberg roast. He said he told Ted and Whoopi that it was a career ending move but they went ahead and did it. He also takes credit for David Letterman bombing on the Academy Awards.
Bruce told Howard that he had his first gay experience when he was around 10 or 11 years old. He's an adopted child but doesn't think that his being gay has anything to do with that.
Howard guessed that Bruce is probably the ''man'' of his relationships. He said that he would probably be the ''pitcher'' and not the ''catcher'' in the relationship. Bruce told him he was right. He told Howard that he enjoys giving oral sex to guys also.
Howard took a couple of phone calls before Bruce left and Gay Ramone was one of them. He wanted Howard to show Bruce a picture of him but he didn't get around to that.
Gary came in and told Howard that Savanna has a younger sister who does nude stuff with her. Howard checked out some pictures of her. Savanna said her parents don't know that her sister is doing this stuff either. Howard told Savanna that she's looking really good. KC said that she looks kind of like Britney Spears. He said he'd even sleep with her which is unusual for him because he usually tries to stay away from ''dirty'' chicks who bang a lot of guys.
KC had a Sex True - False game to play so Howard asked Savanna to play Strip-True-False. Howard said that if she got a question wrong she'd have to remove one article of clothing. She said she was only wearing one article.. her dress. So basically, if she got one wrong, she'd be naked. Perfect! Here are some of the questions that KC asked:
Crazy Cabbie called in and told Howard about the Nine Inch Nails concert he went to last night. Howard wanted to go to the concert but it was too late for him. Cabbie told him how great the event was. When Cabbie told Howard that A Perfect Circle was the opening act he went off on Maynard, who's also in the band Tool, because he says they screwed him on the ''Private Parts'' soundtrack album. He's glad he didn't have to sit through their opening act.
The subject of DJ Booker came up also. Booker is a DJ on Howard's station who got a job on MTV and now he's hanging out with Britney Spears. They discussed him for a few minutes and Howard checked out his web site at ChrisBooker.com. Cabbie said that there's a goofy picture of Booker there but by the time Howard got to the Gallery the site was crashing.
Cabbie told Howard that Cane, the guy he works for on Howard's station, got an interview with Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails. Howard said that Trent does interviews with everyone but him. He changed his tune when Gary said that he's a boring interview so they're not missing out on much. Howard knows that he's banged a lot of chicks though so that's one reason to talk to him. Howard said when he went to some strip clubs out in Cleveland, Ohio all of the strippers told him that they were Trent's girlfriend. They couldn't have all been lying.
Houston is off to Poland this morning to get a ''Best Actress'' award from some porn organization there. She's getting the key to the city for some unknown city and an award. She'll also be visiting the graves of two dead soldiers or something like that. I'm sure we'll hear more about it when she comes back. Meanwhile you can check out Houston at either of the following web sites. KarasXXX.com and HoustonChannel.com
The subject soon changed and Howard and Gary went at each other over who's better at sports. Gary plays in a softball team and Howard said he'd like to play. Gary asked him how good he was and Howard said he's played a few games recently with the guys from his gym. For the next 15 minutes they argued about who was good at sports and who wasn't. Howard argued that he beat Gary in tennis off camera but Gary beat him on camera. Gary said the off camera game didn't count.
Howard had a lot of information on James so he went through a lot of the rumors with him. One rumor was that actress Sean Young had glued his penis to his leg one time. James joked that it was to his ankle, not his leg but then told Howard that it was all just a joke he'd made one time. Howard also heard that James took viagra one time and had sex for 6 hours. James said that was another joke he'd made. He said it was 6 hours 37 minutes. Like he'd actually time how long he'd go. Howard asked James how many people he dates in a year but James said that he really doesn't have all that exciting of a life. He said it's probably the ''most boring life'' Howard has ever seen. He told Howard that he prefers not to break up with women either. They usually break up with him instead. Howard brought up the fact that James went to some awards show with a 19 year old woman and claimed that he was taking her ''under his wing'' to mold her career. He explained to Howard that he saw her at some golf tournament and a friend of him told him to keep his eyes out for beautiful women to get them into the business. He did just that and got her signed with ICM. Now her career is off and running and he's working with her. He told Howard that he's not having sex with her but if it eventually happens it wouldn't be a bad thing. He's single now so it wouldn't be a problem. He was engaged to a 26 year old woman by the name of Melissa but that is over now.
James told Howard that he's been married 2 times in his life and he's still best friends with his first wife. His second wife is another story. He said she was a nightmare. Howard had some quotes from her that James claimed were totally fabricated by her. James said that the stories are just so wacky that no one would believe them anyway.
James dated Heather Graham for about a year so Howard spent some time talking about that also. Howard heard she broke up with him after he had a hard time answering her when she asked if he only loved her for her looks. James said that wasn't true.
Howard brought up a couple of other rumors about James. There was one that said that MTV VJ Kennedy was once asked by James to sit on his lap in a school girl outfit at a hockey game. James basically said that he doesn't find her attractive so he would never have asked her that. Howard also heard that James once said that Sharon Stone had a bigger penis than him. James corrected that and said that he said ''her balls clang louder than his''. He said he's never had sex with her. A couple of other names that came up in the conversation included Brooke Shields and Jennifer Lopez.
Howard took a few phone calls from people but the few that mentioned the size of his penis had no validity. They were just jokers calling in.
Howard spent a minute talking about this ''Dirty Pictures'' movie that James is in. James told Howard that he plays a museum curator who gets arrested for showing very graphic pictures of sexual situations.
Howard also brought up this web site that talks about when good TV shows go bad. You can look up a TV show and it'll tell you when people think the show took a turn for the worse. Howard went through a bunch of shows including:
Debbie told Howard that comedian Richard Lewis also tried to pick her up but she thought that he may have been on something at the time and didn't like his personality. She also claims that Lou Diamond Phillips tried to pick her up but he was too arrogant and she didn't go out with him. She said that she doesn't like the whole Hollywood scene. Howard thought that she must be pretty hot for so many celebrities to try and pick her up. She thinks that it's not her, it's just that these guys are just trying to pick up every woman around them.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and everyone was bored with her stories so they told Howard to get her off the air. Howard asked her to take off her sweater before she left so he could get a view of her breast implants. She let him see and somehow caught a few of her underwear-less ass. He said she was very attractive. You can check her out at DebbieRochon.com
Howard also reminded everyone to check out Jackpot.com to get the chance at being one of the 5 finalists for the $1 million prize. The finalists will get to come on the show.
Howard mentioned a story that he read which claims that Don Johnson recently went in to a video store and rented some gay porn.
He also told everyone about this high school baseball coach who, on a dare from his team, went and tried out to be a professional pitcher and ended up throwing a 98 MPH fast ball. He got a job on Tampa Bay's baseball team. Howard thought the story was pretty cool.
Howard said that Ronnie the limo driver told him that this guy John Gambling Jr., a news radio host, has been pumping gas on Thursdays lately. Howard went to school with the guy and said that when he tried to get his kids into a private school a few years ago they were kept out by Gambling who sat on the school board. He thinks that Gambling is a no talent dick who's been handed everything in his life. He goofed on him for pumping the gas for a few minutes.
The other day Fred left the show early and didn't let Howard know that he was doing that. This morning Howard asked him why he did that. Fred didn't have a reason for not telling Howard but said he's got something important going on but he can't talk about it. He said it was a mistake not to tell Howard but he sometimes has trouble talking to him. Robin was rambling on about how strange Fred was so he started yelling at her while Howard was talking to him. Jackie pointed out that Howard was talking to Fred but Fred wasn't talking back to him, he was talking to Robin. It was all very weird... Typical Fred. A couple of callers tried to guess what the big deal was with Fred. One guy asked if his wife is pregnant. That wasn't it. He also said it has nothing to do with his marriage and he hasn't changed his name again. The mystery of Fred deepens.
Howard went on to talk to Emilio about various things like his kids and hot girlfriends. Emilio said that he's got 2 kids and has to pay around $15,000 a month in child support. He's only got 4 more years of that though. He said he'll still take care of his kids but the ex-wife won't be getting that money anymore.
Emilio also spoke about going out with Paula Abdul and Demi Moore. He told Howard that Demi was great in bed. He said the same of Paula. He was engaged to marry Demi but they broke off the engagement 2 weeks before the wedding when they figured out that they weren't meant to be together.
Emilio also spoke about his brother Charlie and his Father Martin. He said that Charlie has been sober for 2 years now. The two of them were really looking forward to coming on the show and they were upset when the whole E! thing came up.
Emilio said that he wasn't calling in to get a plug this morning but Howard gave him one anyway. Emilio will be in ''Rated X'' this Saturday at 9pm on Showtime. He directed the movie and also stars in it with his brother. They play the porn team of the Mitchell brothers.
Howard also spoke to her about her fiance Ron Elder who he works out with at his gym. Julianna said that Ron didn't tell her what to do about the job. He told her that she could do a lot with that money but she had to make the final decision. Howard said that if he went to his father and asked him if he should stay, his father would beat him. Her father told her to ''follow her heart''. Howard told everyone that he thinks that men and women have a different perspective on making money. He thinks that the men think that they have more of a responsibility to support a family while the women just want to do what they want to do without worrying about the money. He said something about getting facials and stuff like that. That didn't sit too well with Julianna. She was a little offended by that.
Howard heard that Julianna had a run in with Steven Segal when she was starting out as an actress. She explained that he came on to her and wanted to have sex with her on the set of a movie about 9 years ago when she was 21. She said she turned him down and he was a perfect gentleman after that. Gary heard that Segal had said to her ''Hey Margulies, come over here and show me some respect.'' She explained that it was on the set of ''E.R.'' that he said that one time. Segal thought that he got her her first break in the movies so she owed him something.
Howard said that tonight is the Julianna's final episode of the show. He had some notes that said her parents were very strict as she was growing up and didn't allow her to watch TV. He thinks that's wrong because all of the other kids were watching TV. Julianna said that she was growing up in England and the TV over there was really bad anyway.
Howard also heard that Julianna turned down a million bucks to do a movie one time. She didn't want to tell Howard the name of the movie but he eventually guessed that it was ''Anaconda''. He said that maybe that was a good idea to turn it down.. He thought that she'd made a mistake but after hearing that it was that movie, it was a good idea.
Before Julianna left she told Howard that his show is on in the makeup trailer of ''E.R.'' She said that she was addicted to the show after her fiance turned her on to it and she's a big fan of the show.
Howard had an article about this guy Robert Gelbman who's suing ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' for $2 million because he thinks he was robbed on a question about zodiac signs. He says he answered the $32,000 question based on the zodiac calendar not the regular calendar so he thinks he was right. He claims that he can't get a job and can't even take a test now because the whole situation has thrown off his confidence. Howard thinks that the whole thing is ridiculous and the guy doesn't deserve the money. A short time after talking about it Robert Gelbman called the show to talk about the whole thing. Gelbman told Howard how he's been out of work since last July and explained how his confidence has been destroyed by it. Howard spent a few minutes trying to convince the guy to just get over it and go get a job. No one knows why this guy thinks he deserved so much money. He says that his lawyer came up with the dollar amount. He also said that there was a lot more stuff that went on that wasn't mentioned in the article. He didn't give details though. Howard suggested that the guy just get out of bed, get dressed and go get a job today. He said he'd do what he could.
Howard reminded everyone that they're going to be doing the ''Who Wants To Marry A Porno Star'' thing in the next couple of weeks. Gary said he's started the interviews and there are some ''interesting candidates.''
He also reminded everyone about Jackpot.com and how 5 finalists will be competing on the show for the million dollar grand prize. That will be happening in the next 2 or 3 weeks according to Gary.
Howard went off on the ''squirrel head'' (bad toupee) Steve Allen and his Parent Television Council for a few minutes. Steve Allen has been using Howard's name in his ads trying to raise money to get vulgarity off of TV. Howard read some stuff from a letter Steve Allen's PTC has been sending out to people and they bring up stuff that Howard has done. Howard said that Steve Allen is ''stealing'' money from people by doing this and it's pathetic. He said these dopes who are sending Steve Allen money must be like retards or something. Howard brought up a letter he got from a listener who actually claims that Howard saved his life to go against what Steve Allen is saying about him. The guy credit's Howard's show for helping him find out that he had testicular cancer. After reading that letter Howard said ''F-you Steve Allen and the squirrel on your head.'' He went on to invite Steve to come on the show to debate him. Then he told him to ''Suck me! Suck it now!.. You squirrel head.'' Howard then prayed to Jesus to ''please send Steve Allen to hell'' and let him burn there when he dies. He also prayed for him to get cancer and ''crabs in his wig''. He also suggested that he ''throw his pig wife in the box too.''
Don't forget to visit Jackpot.com for your chance at their Million dollar prize giveaway. Five finalists will be on Howard's show to play for the grand prize of a Million dollars. Just visit Jackpot.com and play the slots.
Here's what we heard on today's ''Best Of Stern'':