For The Week Of 4/10/2000 to 4/14/2000

• Various Stuff. 4/10/00. 6:05am
  Howard started off the morning talking about last night's episode of HBO's ''The Sopranos'' and how the character Big Pussy was killed off. Howard was talking about how ''The Sopranos'' is the direction Francis Ford Coppola should have taken the ''Godfather'' movies. Everyone also discussed how there aren't that many people complaining about the portrayal of Italians being in the mafia in ''The Sopranos''.

  Big Black called in at one point with tape of the Cousin Brucie Telethon which happened over the weekend. Howard also had tape of Cousin Brucie's Doo Wop TV show which sounded ridiculous.

  Howard saw a couple of movies over the weekend so he spent a minute talking about them. On Friday the gang all went to screen ''U-571'' the Matthew McConaunghey movie. Howard said it was actually good. Robin complained the Vinnie Favale from CBS was at the screening and he was talking throughout the whole thing so he kind of spoiled it for her. Howard also saw Sandra Bullock's new movie ''28 Days'' which he also enjoyed. It was directed by Betty Thomas who also directed his movie ''Private Parts''.

  Howard read an article that this guy wrote about ''Son of the Beach'' and how Howard will be ''yapping'' about the show for a few more months because FX decided to renew the show. In the article the guy was saying that the show had just mediocre ratings. Howard was pissed that no matter what he does and how well he does he still gets bashed by some people. The show is on a tiny cable channel and it managed to pull in really good ratings.. for a cable show.. and he still gets crap from people. A guy who claimed to work for A.C. Nielson, the ratings people, called in and backed up Howard's claims about the ratings.

• Homeless Jeopardy. 4/10/00. 7:45am
  Howard had 3 homeless guys come in to play a game of ''Homeless Jeopardy'' this morning. They were playing for $10,000 cash courtesy of iWon.com. He also had a stripper by the name of Karen from Fantasies in Keyport, New Jersey there to turn the cards or maybe she was just there to look good. Howard tried to introduce the homeless guys but they were having problems with squeal from the microphones and headphones. He eventually talked to Izeel, Charlie and Bill. They've all been out on the street for between 6 months and 2 years or so.

  The game was a little different than usual. Instead of having the guys buzz in when they know the answer they would just take turns getting questions. They had categories like Famous Couples, Potpourri, Math, History and Politicians to choose from. Each category had values from $100 to $500. If the contestant got a question wrong the next one in line would get the same question. It was kind of unfair because if they didn't know the answer they lost that amount of money... and they didn't know a lot of answers so the scores ended up taking a dive pretty quick. I don't have all of the questions but here are a few samples and the answers given:

  • Fill in the blank: Bonnie and.. - Clyde
  • Fill in the blank: Batman and.. - Robin
  • He was the first president of the U.S.? - Lyndon Johnson, Eisenhower, Lincoln
  • The american flag has how many stripes? - 52, 25, 13
  • Fill in the blank: Beauty and the.. - Beauty queen, beast
  • How many inches are in a foot? - 6, 16
  • Who shot J.F.K.? - Edgar Hoover, Jack Lee Oswald
  • How many seasons are there? - 3, 4
  • What man lives in Vatican City? - The mob, Edgar Hoover
  • How many quarts are in a gallon? - 8, 2, 12
  • Name the 2 testaments of the bible. - Genesis and 1st will and testament
  • What is 100 divided by 10? - 7, 1000, 20
  • What is 5 times six? - 64, 46, 30
  After all of the questions were answered everyone was at a negative number. Howard was going to do a final jeopardy but there was no money to bet so he just gave it to Charlie who had the least negative number. I think it was somewhere around $-1100. Charlie said he was going to help out the other guys with his money. Gary said that he was going to give each of them $200.

  Charlie told Howard that he plays drums on buckets and other types of things. Howard had him bring his stuff in and he gave a demonstration. He had a garbage pail, a paint can, a heating duct and other various items to beat on. Surprisingly he played them really well and it was hard to believe he was playing on garbage. Howard gave it a try and he sounded horrible.

• More Time Killers. 4/10/00. 8:35am
  Before getting to the gay intern thing Howard spent a few minutes talking about a couple of things. He brought up his buddy Ralph who has been going to a lot of cool parties lately. Howard's complaint was that Ralph, who always asks Howard to bring him to parties, never tells him about the parties until after he's gone. Ralph told him he just went to actress Claire Danes party and it was pretty cool. He also went to a Saturday Night Live after-party and hung out around the likes of Christina Aguilerra. Howard said he's done inviting Ralph to any parties from now on. Howard is invited to some Playboy party later this week but he's probably not going. Ralph will probably get in somehow. Howard said he's not going because the press will be there and he doesn't want to be photographed while he's trying to party.

  Howard spent a couple of minutes reading Larry King's USA Today column in which he talks about Billy Crystal and his own wife.

  A listener called in and asked Howard what he thinks of the celebrity version of ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire''. Howard said that he thinks it ruins the show. He said he doesn't like Celebrity Jeopardy either. That offended Robin because she goes on that show once in a while. Howard said that he enjoys when she's on the show but that's just him. Everyone else hates when celebrities go on the show.

• Who's The Gay Intern? 4/10/00. 8:55am
  The latest crop of interns have been working at the station for a while now and Howard says that most, if not all, of the guys are very effeminate. There's only one female intern, Lindsay, and she even thinks that some of them may be gay. She said that she doesn't always feel like the only girl there. Howard spoke to each one to try and find out if they're gay or not. First up was Jonathan. Lindsay said that she thinks that he has a hatred for women. He pushed her one time and she now thinks he hates women.

  Up next was Brian. Howard said that a lot of bits that Brian submits have a lot of gay references. He also has a lisp going on that makes him sound like the stereotypical homo. He says he's not gay though. Lindsay said she thought he was gay. Howard heard that one of these guys admitted that they're gay on a videotape they submitted to the station. None of them would admit to it.

  Next up was Bobby. He looks gay according to Howard but Lindsay said that he's just a pretty boy. She's good friends with him and knows he's not. He sings in the style of N Sync and the Backstreet Boys too. Howard had him sing a little bit for him and he chose to sing a Boys 2 Men song which sounded kind of gay. You could hear Jackie coughing out his ''Haggot'' sounds the whole time. Bobby swears that he's slept with women and not men.

  Next up was Shane who also had a lisp. All of his moves looked kind of gay also. Gary said that Shane was the last one to hold out on being part of this bit so that didn't look too good for him.

  Next was Andy who has frosted hair. He was staring at Howard and Howard said that made him look gay. Andy said that he's slept with 2 women and no men.

  Jermaine was up next and Gary called him the ''butch'' gay guy of the bunch. He hands out towels to basketball players on his school's team. Howard told him that that's kind of a gay job. Jermaine also had a 3 way with another guy and a girl. He told Howard that he and the other guy double teamed the girl and high-fived each other at one point. Everyone thought that was kind of gay. Gary said that the bits that he's submitted also have a lot of gay references in them.

  Finally we have Ryan who claims to be a virgin. Lindsay says that he's a ''confused virgin'' because he has a lot of gay tendencies. Howard said he's more fem than Judy Garland. He admitted to pretending to do gay things to his buddies in school. He pretended to do oral on a friend or something like that but he explained that it was just fun to make fun of being gay. He later said that he's been brought up in a strict religious environment and thinks that gay marriages are wrong. He told Howard that God thinks being gay is wrong so a gay marriage is wrong. Someone then pointed out that Ryan once tucked his penis between his legs and ran around like a little girl. He screamed out ''I'm not gay!'' a few times.

  After all of that Howard still couldn't get any of them to admit to being gay. KC came in and started yelling about the guys being gay and Howard told him to keep his mouth shut because he's got issues also.

• Various Stuff. 4/11/00. 6:05am
  Howard started off the show talking about the story in the NY Post about how Montel Williams and his white wife are breaking up. Howard told Montel years ago that the marriage wouldn't work out. He said he knew it would eventually break up. That led to Howard and Robin talking about how the National Enquirer broke the story to Montel's wife that he was cheating on her. They got photos of Montel and his other woman and asked his wife what she thought about it. Howard said that was really low for the Enquirer to do.

  Howard also mentioned that the $800 worth of Mariah Carrey tickets he bought the other day finally arrived and the money he sent in for them was also returned. This is most likely because he was complaining about the fact that he had to pay for tickets and he's in the music business.

  Howard mentioned that a bunch of white guys came up to him on the street the other day and started singing the ''Can a nigga get a table dance'' song that he's been playing lately. He just wanted to point out that it's not really appropriate for a bunch of white guys to be yelling that out on the streets of New York City.

  This guy called in and told Howard that he punched out John Popper of the band Blues Traveler at a casino last night. He told Howard the story and Gary tried to get John on the phone. It turned out to be a phony story and the guy ended up calling Howard names and said that he just does this to get on the air when he can. Howard knew who the guy was and asked him what happened to his car. Howard cut him off before the guy could say anything else but he made it sound like he made the guy's car vanish somehow.

  Mike Gange came in to tell Howard about how he followed the winner of the Homeless Jeopardy game yesterday. He said the guy was spending money all over the place. He first bought himself a 40 oz. beer then went clothes shopping and bought a bunch of horrible leather clothing. Then he went to the Marriott in New York and got himself a $400 a night room. He'd also given a buddy of his $1000 earlier so he'd spent $2000 by the time Gange was done following him. Howard ended up yelling at Gange for not following the guy even longer to see how he spends the rest of the money. Gange said that's the way they always do it. Howard told him that's why he's not going anywhere in the business.. He doesn't know how to create.

• Rubberband Ball Man Update. 4/11/00. 7:10am
  Last year this guy John Bain called in and told Howard about how he was trying to break the record for the biggest rubberband ball. At the time he was up to around 1400 pounds. Howard wondered why the hell anyone would want to do something so ridiculous. This morning John called in to give Howard an update. John said he broke the record and his ball made it to over 2000 pounds. He's now trying to sell the giant ball on eBay.com. His minimum bid is $8000. He said he's had offers from people in the past but he wasn't ready to sell it at the time. Now he is and he's expecting big bucks. John says that he has 2 jobs now, one working for Eyewitness news in Philadelphia and another job working for a lawyers office as a runner or something like that. You can find out more about the ball at RecordBall.com

• Gary The Retard's Stereo Challenge. 4/11/00. 7:15am
  Last week Howard spoke to Gary the retard about getting a tongue kiss from this woman who wanted to get on the show to see the Backstreet Boys. He also heard that Gary is good at putting together stereo equipment. This morning Howard had a stereo there for Gary to put together. He was in the green room so Howard had him go ahead and take the system out of the box and make the attempt. He knew what a CD player was but when Howard asked him what CD stood for he said ''music!'' Close enough. The going was slow for Gary so Howard ended up just letting him do his thing while he moved on to other things.

• Kyra Sedgwick Comes In. 4/11/00. 7:45am
  Actress Kyra Sedgwick came in this morning to promote her new TV show ''Talk To Me'' which airs tonight on ABC. Much to Howard's delight Kyra was wearing an open shirt without a bra. He said he could see her back and her boobs looked great. Kyra said she was happy to be on the show. Her husband Kevin Bacon has done the show many times but this was Kyra's first time. She was very upbeat and seemed to enjoy being there. Howard told her that her breasts looked great and she told him that to get the nice big boobs you have to eat fatty foods. She said her mom does that and her breasts are great also. Howard soon moved on to talk about how Kyra gets a ''Brazilian Bikini Wax''. She didn't really admit it at first but he soon got her to talk about it a bit. This Brazilian bikini wax is when they wax the whole pubic area. She said that she basically lies on her back with her legs spread so they can wax her area. Howard has heard that it's the most painful thing a woman can experience but Kyra said that's not true. Howard was impressed that she still wants to turn her husband on by doing this.

  Howard spent a little time talking about Kevin also. He asked her if he's ever cheated on her. Kyra says he hasn't but Howard told her he doesn't believe that. He thinks that Kevin has to have cheated on her. They don't have an open marriage so Kyra says she doesn't think it has happened.

  Kyra told Howard that she first met Kevin when she was around 13 years old. They met later in life when she was about 21 and Kevin asked her to marry him the same year. They've been together for about 13 years.

  Howard asked Kyra if they put either of their 2 kids in movies like Kathie Lee Gifford does. Kyra said that ''..certain things she(Kathie Lee) does are shocking..'' Kyra says they'd never put their kids in show business like Kathie Lee does. It's just wrong.

  Howard had heard that Kyra walked into an airplane's propeller one time but she told the real story. She was flying on a small plane with Kevin and his band. She got out to help pull her luggage out and when she stood up and started walking she hit the wing and sliced open her head. She said there was blood all over and she had to have plastic surgery to fix the gash.

  The subject of circumcision came up and Kyra told Howard that their son wasn't circumcised. Howard said that's good and that if he'd had a son he wouldn't allow it either. Howard had been asking whether or not Kevin was circumcised but Kyra wouldn't say yes or no. Howard thinks it's mutilation when they do that to babies. Kyra agreed.

  Howard spent a few minutes talking about Kyra's new TV show before she left. It's a talk radio type of show that takes place in New York City. She plays a morning radio talk show host. She said it's loosely based on a Howard-Stern-type of show. She and Howard also discussed lesbian kisses. Kyra has done a few in her acting career. She said she's even tried slipping some tongue in a couple of times but the other women don't reciprocate.

• Gary The Retard - Out Of Luck. 4/11/00. 8:40am
  Gary the retard didn't have any luck with the stereo equipment he tried to assemble. It turns out the stuff he's put together in the past were just mini-systems. He ended up connecting the two speakers together in the green room today. Howard said he was thinking that maybe Gary was an idiot savant. ''I guess he's just an idiot.'' he later said. The main reason he was there today was to meet this 19 year old woman Sarah who'd agreed to tongue kiss him to get the chance to meet the Backstreet Boys. She also agreed to pee in an adult diaper. When she came in though she looked way too young and innocent to make her do either thing. Robin was apologizing to her and she hadn't even done anything yet. Howard decided to call off the kiss and Gary the retard's face sunk when he heard that. Howard said she looked like she could be one of his daughters. It just wouldn't have looked right.

• 3 Of The Backstreet Boys Come In. 4/11/00. 8:45am
  Three of the 5 Backstreet Boys came in to talk to Howard this morning. Originally only 2 were scheduled to come on but another one wanted in. Howie, Kevin and AJ all came in with gifts for Howard including K-Y lube and Backstreet Boys posters and stuff. The K-Y was for the Backside Boys gay band that Howard put together last year. The guys spent some time talking about their lawsuits against their manager Lou Pearlman who they claim is getting more than his fair share of the money coming in from the band. Kevin was doing most of the talking throughout the interview. He said that they're all grateful to Lou for helping them out in the beginning but he's ''triple dipping'' into the money that comes in from the band. He gets a percentage for being their former manager as well as a sixth of what they make and another percentage for his record company. The guys said that they feel raped by the guy. Howard guessed that they've probably made over $200 million in profits and the guys in the band haven't seen much of that. They said you'd be surprised how much they've actually gotten out of that. They now have new management but they're still going to go after Lou for the money they think they deserve. They're also not so thrilled about the same guy starting these other boy bands like N Sync. The guys think that N Sync was started as a back up for the record company in case they became less popular. Lou's also got a TV show where he's putting together another band and the guys said it's enough already. Kevin said Lou is trying to put together an ''assembly line'' of bands. All of the legal stuff has put a drain on the guys and they're sick of it.

  Eventually Howard got to what he really wanted to talk to the guys about.. poontang. He tried to find out about the chicks they must be banging being so popular. Kevin is married and Brian is engaged to be married. Howard doesn't understand that when they could be getting laid by a different woman every night. The guys said it's hard to trust the women they meet because they don't know if they like them for who they are or the money they have. Kevin said he figured it was time to ''hang it up'' and get married. He was with the same woman for 8 years though so it was already hung up. He said she hung with him when he was a Ninja Turtle character at Disney World so she'd probably stick with him no matter what. None of them would really admit to sleeping with groupies but they did say that they have to be careful about the age of the women they're with. Howard told them that if the girls don't have pubic hair.. ''run from the room!''

  Howard played his Backside Boys songs ''Gay Way'' and ''Every Homo'' for the guys who said they've never heard them before. One of the guys said his friend left him one of the songs on his answering machine one time and he didn't know what it was.

  Howard took a few phone calls for the guys but the questions were like ''Where do you think you rate among the homo bands?'' One guy asked about some lawsuit where a confetti cannon fell on a fans head at a concert. One of the guys said that it was the local crew at the venue who made a mistake and untied the 100 pound cannon. It fell and hit some guy in the head. They said it hasn't gone to court yet but they're already blaming the local crew member for the mistake.

  Finally Howard brought in all of the people who wanted to meet the band. Sarah the 19 year old was up first. She was shaking and trembling the whole time she was talking to them. She told them that they've changed her life. She said their music made her happy after losing her father. Her story was touching to the guys so they said it makes all of the B.S. They get worth it.

  Up next was a mother and her 16 year old daughter. The mother is a bigger fan than her daughter is. She actually told her daughter to ask Kevin to ask her to her prom. Howard let them say a couple of words and kicked them out pretty quick.

  The next woman was a 29 year old who called in recently. Her husband is really annoyed by her being so obsessed with the band but she doesn't care. She told Howard that she wanted to ''axe'' (ask) Kevin if he ever had a fling with Whitney Houston. Kevin told a story about having a run in with Bobby Brown one time back in 1993. He never had a thing with Bobby's wife though.

  The final fan to come in was Gay Ramone. He came in half naked and he hardly knew who the guys were. He said that his daughter is more of a fan than he is. Howard said that he saw Gay Ramone in a gay magazine and he's showing off his huge penis while he's got a shoelace tied around his nuts.

  Bobby the intern came in and sang a song for the boys that his producer had prepared.The guys listened and said that he had a pretty good voice but his delivery could have been a little better. He was nervous though.

  Gary the retard was the last to come in and meet the guys. He said he's heard their music and knew their song ''My Way''. Howard asked the guys if there is room in the business for retards. One of them hesitated and said ''sure''.

• Richard Huff Defends His Articles. 4/11/00. 9:45am
  Journalist Richard Huff wrote an article about ''Son of the Beach'' yesterday and Howard pointed out a lot of mistakes in it. Today Richard wrote another article and said even more crap that Howard didn't think was right so he called Huff a ''pussy'' because he wouldn't call in. A short time later he called in and let Howard vent on him for a few minutes. Howard thinks that Huff doesn't like him and he's just writing this stuff to piss him off. Huff eventually had his turn to rebut. Huff said that he's a fan of Howard's and he was just trying to clear up some of his stuff from the previous article in today's article. Howard said that he was ''hacked'' up again in today's article though. Not much came out of the argument but Howard said that he doesn't think he's a pussy anymore. At least he was man enough to talk to Howard on the phone.

• Various Stuff. 4/12/00. 6:10am
  Howard spent a few minutes talking about Ralph and how he's no longer going to be invited to movie screenings from now on. He was saying how at the screening of ''U-571'' Ralph was bad mouthing the movie as they were leaving. He said that he doesn't want him doing stuff like that because it can ruin it for the rest of them if the publicist hears Ralph. He said that Ralph is not going to be invited to the screenings anymore. Gary came in and told Howard that Ralph has also pissed off other people lately. He said that Britney Spears' Lawyer was insulted by Ralph at a party out in Los Angeles recently. The guy came up to ask Howard if he'd like to meet Britney and Ralph told the guy that Britney should come over to Howard. Howard said that he was kind of glad to have Ralph there to push people away but Gary said it's just the way he does it that pisses people off.

  Howard also talked about how when he gets special screening copies of movies for watching at home they put his name on the video so it can be tracked if he makes illegal copies. He said he was watching this movie ''Frequency'' and the words ''H Stern'' come up ever couple of minutes at the bottom of the screen and it gets really annoying. He said he had some friends over to watch the movie and they couldn't stand to see Howard's name up on the screen the whole time so they left.

  Howard played a tape of Gary Garver interviewing actor Robert Loggia at a golf event. The interview was really quick. Gary asked Robert a couple of warm up questions then asked him ''Why are all caddies black and the players white?'' Loggia got pissed and asked Garver who said that. Someone else asked him where he was from and when Gary said he was from the Stern Show Loggia said something like ''it figures'' and he walked away.

• Melissa's Evaluation. 4/12/00. 7:05am
  21 year old Melissa called in recently and told Howard that she wanted Howard to look at her breasts to see if she needs bigger ones. She said that she's been in the local Miss Hawaiian Tropic pageants in her hometown but she hasn't made it to the big nationals. She thinks it's her breasts that are holding her back. She came in wearing a dress but that didn't last long. Howard spoke to her for a few minutes and Ralph came in to participate in the evaluation. Melissa told Howard that all of the other women in the pageant have implants so she thinks she might need them. Howard had her get into a bathing suit while he spoke to Ralph about the problems he's had with him at the movie screenings. When Melissa came back Howard noticed what it was that was holding her back. It wasn't her boobs, it was her wide hips. He said she's a very attractive woman but her hips are just too wide. KC said he didn't think that was true and that perhaps if she got in a thong they could see a little better. They sent her out to do that. Howard continued to talk to Ralph about the problems. Ralph had plenty of excuses of course.

  After Melissa came back in Howard broke the news to her. He told her that there's no way she's going to win a pageant with those hips. He and Ralph also pointed out a couple of other minor things that she could fix like her slightly chubby stomach and her droopy breasts. Howard told her that she really doesn't need implants though. He told her to lose 10 pounds and she'd look much better. They made her feel a little better by saying that everyone in the studio would love to bang her. She has a boyfriend who works as a chimney cleaner. Howard told her she could do much better. He said he knew a mechanic in Akron, Ohio that he could set her up with.

• Alley Boy And Big Pussy. 4/12/00. 7:30am
  This guy calling himself Alley Boy called in and told Howard some of his mob stories. He claimed to be in the mob and told Howard some of the things that he's done. He said that the mob now controls the stock market and that he's working in the securities industry. He even told Howard how he kills guys by getting naked and chopping up guys on a shower curtain so he doesn't get blood on his clothing. Vincent Pastore, Big Pussy on ''The Sopranos'', was out in the green room listening to all of this and he said that there's no way someone in the mob would come on the radio and talk about this stuff. Howard had him come in do talk to Alley Boy. Pussy asked Alley why he'd be on the radio talking about this stuff. Alley said that he's done with all of that so he's free to talk about it. Howard told Pussy that he's got balls talking to a guy like that. He might be in the mob and he was just about yelling at the guy. Vincent then apologized for speaking the way he did. Alley got off the phone and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Vincent about the season finale of ''The Sopranos'' where his character got killed off. Vincent said that he didn't know until about 4 days before the episode was shot that he was getting killed off. It came as a big surprise to everyone. He said it's possible that he'll return next season in some dream sequences but that's not set in stone. He said there have been talks but nothing is set yet. Reporter Chaunce Hayden of ''Steppin' Out'' called in and said a very reliable source told him that Big Pussy will be back next season. He wouldn't tell Howard who his source was though. Howard just wanted to congratulate Vincent on a great episode of the show and that he's a great actor. Vincent said he's got some other things going on now and that he's been trying out for ''Son of the Beach''. Howard said he might have a part for him in an episode where the mob takes over the beach.

• Mary Wilson Of The Supremes Comes In. 4/12/00. 8:20am
  Mary Wilson, one of the 3 original Supremes, came in to promote her book ''Dreamgirl & Supreme Faith '' Howard said she's still a sexy looking woman even at the age of 56. Howard said she looks much better than Diana Ross. Mary said she thinks that Diana looks great though. Howard asked Mary about her being bankrupt at some point in her life but Mary said that's never happened. She said she's had financial problems but never that severe.

  Howard also brought up this ''reunion'' tour that's going on with the new Supremes and Diana Ross. Mary told Howard that she got an offer to do the reunion tour but turned it down because she wasn't getting a fair share of the money. She said it wasn't about the money though. It was about Diana's ego that held back the money and her doing the tour. They haven't been together since 1970 and that 30 years hasn't done much for their relationship. She told Howard that even though she owns 50 percent of ''The Supremes'' name she has been unable to sue the new Supremes successfully. She said she tried to sue them and it didn't work. They use the original Supremes songs and the name and Mary can't stop it.

  Howard eventually changed the subject to Mary's sex life. He had notes on her that said she dated Flip Wilson, Steve McQueen and Tom Jones. He asked her if Tom Jones' penis is as big as everyone says. Elvira was on the show one time and she said he was so big that he tore her up. All mary would say was that she must have been lying. She said that Tom was the love of her life and that they still speak.

  Howard also questioned her about OJ Simpson and how she believes that he's innocent. She says she was in an abusive relationship and people who beat women don't plan out killings like that killing was planned. She also believes that Michael Jackson never had any little boys in his bed.

  Howard spoke to Mary for a few minutes about Flip Wilson showing off his penis pump on the show before Mary had to leave.

• Gary Campbell's Loch Ness Monster Tape. 4/12/00. 9:05am
  KC booked this Scottish guy Gary Campbell on the show to talk about this audio tape he has of the Loch Ness Monster. The call was in trouble right from the start. Campbell was calling in from Scotland and the connection wasn't all that great. The second problem was that his accent was so heavy that it was hard to understand him. Every time Howard would ask the guy a question it sounded like a tape was running in reverse. The guy made a joke about the Loch Ness monster being under his kilt but only Robin could understand it. She had to interpret a couple of things that he said. Howard played some bits of this guys tape but one of them sounded like a toilet flushing. Howard asked the guy if it was a goof but the guy said that it's real and they spent $50,000 to get the audio. They used some kind of Navy listening gear that can pull in sounds from 5 miles away under water. They picked up 49 sounds and 4 of them were unknown so now Campbell assumes that it's ''Nessie'' the Loch Ness monster. Howard couldn't take the accent anymore so he plugged the guy's web site InternetRadio.co.uk and let him go. He spent a couple of minutes goofing on how ridiculous the accent sounded over the phone. He also told KC it was a bad booking. KC said the guy is great and that it was just a bad phone connection that made it a bad call.

• Who's Smarter Than Fred? 4/12/00. 9:15am
  Howard is going to have a game in the near future where a couple of people will go up against Fred in a general knowledge quiz. The winner will get a Kawasaki Vulcan motorcycle. Howard had a guy on the phone who wants to play so he did an impromptu test on the guy. It turned into a 20 minute segment with tons of questions. Nobody won or lost because it was just kind of a test for this guy on the phone. He did well enough that he'll be up against Fred when they do the game in the studio. Here are some of the questions they asked:
  • Who wrote ''The Hunchback of Notre Dame''? - Victor Hugo
  • What city did Charles Lindburgh land in after his trans-atlantic flight? - Paris
  • What was Hitler's favorite movie? - King Kong
  • Name a U.S. State that starts with the letter A but doesn't end with A. - Arkansas
  • Where was Golf's first hole played? - Scotland
  • What is the process of splitting atoms called? - Fission
  Gary and Ralph were arguing over who was smarter so Howard took over the questioning and had Ralph and Gary go at it for a while. Here are a few of those questions:
  • How many years are in a Millennium? - 1000
  • What actress had made $1 Million by the age of 10? - Shirley Temple
  • What are you wearing if shod in beaver tails? - Snow shoes
  • What is the cubed root of 27? - 3
  • What is the January birth stone? - Garnet
  • Who is the only president buried in Washington D.C.? - Woodrow Wilson
  • Who was Lyndon Johnson's Vice President? - Hubert Humphrey
  • What are you if you have ''baker's legs''? - Knock Kneed
  • What city has a newspaper called ''The Plain Dealer''? - Cleveland
  Ralph kept telling Gary that he was winning the quiz just to piss him off. He knew that he could get under his skin by doing that so he kept at it for a while. Howard questioned KC a little bit also before getting sick of playing the game. He finally ended it after going on way too long.

• Two Dopey Strippers Come In. 4/13/00. 6:40am
  Two strippers showed up at the station first thing this morning. They wanted to meet Howard and while they were waiting to come in KC and Gary quizzed them and found out that they were good candidates for a ''Turkish Millionaire'' game. Gary said they answered like 1 out of 9 questions correctly in his quiz. Christy and Paige came in and said that they worked all night and came down to meet Howard. They were both drunk on champagne. Howard said they were pretty hot and one of them looked like porno star Janine. They claimed to have made between $1500 and $2000 last night alone. One of the girls showed Howard her breasts. Howard soon moved on to play the game. He told the girls that which ever one got 3 questions correct would win $500. He would start off asking one girl a question and if she didn't get it right he'd ask the other girl the same question. Here are some of the questions and their dopiest answers:
  • Who was Tarzan's mate? - Jane
  • How many holes are in a game of Golf? - 28
  • How many people were in The Supremes? - 3
  • Who had a horse named Trigger? - John Wayne
  • Who wrote ''Mein Kampf''? - That Farfurgnugen guy
  • What state is the Alamo in? - California, Arizona.. Some European country.. France
  • What does the word Chapeau mean? - No idea
  • What country has Big Ben? - California, New Mexico
  • Who's picture is on a $100 bill? - No idea
  • What is 100 divided by 10? - 1000
  • What does a tadpole become? - Frog
  Howard changed the game after a couple of questions and had them taking their clothes off. They got down to their underwear and Howard had them stop there even though one of them was willing to take off her panties. Christy somehow managed to get 3 answers correct so she won the $500. They dance at a club called VIP's.

• Self Castration Web Site. 4/13/00. 7:00am
  KC told Howard about this web site where this guy shows pictures of his self castration. Howard went on the site and read the story the guy wrote about how he did it. He put rubber bands around his nuts and iced down his sack and nuts. He then prepared to cut off the sack by getting some scissors and some peroxide and a phone just in case. He then cut off his nuts and called 911 just to be safe. You can read about it yourself at DogSlut's web site.

• Ben Stiller Comes In. 4/13/00. 7:20am
  Actor/Director Ben Stiller came in this morning to promote his new movie ''Keeping The Faith'' which opens soon. Howard has goofed on Ben for years now so it was a surprise to hear him come on the show. Howard didn't waste any time before asking Ben about his relationships. He spent most of the interview trying to find out about everyone he's dated. He brought up Janeane Garofalo first. Ben said he dated her and fooled around with her but never went all the way. The rumors that Janeane gained 70 pounds during their relationship weren't true. Ben is now engaged to actress Christine Taylor who played Marcia Brady in the Brady Bunch movies that came out a few years ago. Ben said he was engaged to another woman for 5 years at one point in his life but that didn't work out. Howard told him that this relationship probably won't work out either. He gives Ben 3 years in this relationship. Ben said that he thinks he's ready to settle down now that he's 34 years old.

  Ben also spoke about some of his other relationships. He went out with Calista Flockhart for a while. He said that was a weird relationship that didn't go anywhere. Howard brought up Janeane again and asked why Ben didn't go all the way. He admitted to getting to third base so Howard theorized that he must have been turned off by something.. like a bad smell or something. Ben said that wasn't the reason at all. He never really had a reason other than the fact that they thought they should just be friends.

  Howard also heard that Ben proposed to his fiance in a strange way. Ben explained how he secretly flew from New York to Los Angeles and set up candles and rose petals in his girlfriends home. She came home and he got down on one knee and proposed to her. That's when Howard told Ben that he gives the relationship 3 years.

  Before Ben left Howard spoke to him about the recent story about this financial advisor guy who was using celebrity money in illegal ways. Ben's name was brought up in the article but Ben said that he didn't actually lose any money in the deal. He said he actually came out a little bit ahead. He said it was a horrible feeling to know that someone was using his money illegally though. Leonardo DeCaprio actually lost quite a bit of money with this guy.

  Finally Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about this new movie that Ben is in. He plays a Rabbi in the film. Howard tried to find out how much money he makes doing movies now but he wasn't talking. Gary said he guesses that he makes between $4 million and $10 million a film. All Ben would admit to was making over a million.

• Stuttering John Interviews. 4/13/00. 8:10am
  Howard played a couple of quick interviews that Stuttering John got at the premiere of ''Keeping the Faith'' the other night. The first interview was with Salma Hayek. John heard that if you ask her questions in Spanish she'll come over to you. So most of the tape is John stuttering out some stuff in Spanish. That was the funniest part of the interview. He'd get her over and ask a question but she wouldn't really answer. He asked her
  • Have you taken speech lessons? - Yes
  • Have you been offered a Taco Bell commercial? - No
  • Do you think implants should be illegal? - What?
  She didn't pay much attention to John and ran off after that.

  Up next was Jenna Elfman. Someone told her where John was from but she let him ask a couple of questions before getting pissed and running off. Here's what he asked:

  • You're a Scientologist, do you also believe in Star Trek? - Not a big fan of the show
  • Do you get hate mail from Molly Ringwald?
  She then said bye to John and ran off. Howard didn't get the Molly Ringwald question. Apparently the two of them did a TV show together or something.

• Leeza Gibbons Comes In. 4/13/00. 8:25am
  Ex-talk show host Leeza Gibbons came in to promote a special iWon.com TV show she's doing this Saturday night on CBS. Howard was talking her up and picking his nose when Gary decided to bring Leeza in. He had to yell at Gary and ask Leeza to turn her head while he finished picking his nose. He said Gary's got the worst timing in the world. Leeza was wearing a lot of clothes so Howard asked her why she has to dress so classy. He asked her to take some clothes off but she wasn't falling for that. Howard then spent some time talking to her about her husband. The ring on her finger made Howard think that he must be a rich guy. She didn't say much about him other than the fact that he's a white, American guy. Howard then moved on to try and find out what famous guys she has dated. She didn't want to talk but Robin brought up Sylvester Stallone's name. Leeza said that they dated a few times but she didn't sleep with him. She said Sylvester always had a group of guys with him so it wasn't very intimate.

  Robin also brought up this guy Tony Robbins who Leeza did an infomercial with a few years ago. Leeza said that she believes in his program and that's why she did the infomercial. Robin and Howard were talking about how scary that guy looks. He's like Frankenstein they said.

  Leeza didn't have much time to stick around so Howard plugged the show that she's hosting on Saturday. Leeza will be hosting the iWon.com $10 million prize giveaway this Saturday night at 8pm on CBS. She said that they'll be announcing the big winner and some other people will be winning some big prizes.

• Director Betty Thomas Comes In. 4/13/00. 9:00am
  Director Betty Thomas came in to promote her new movie ''28 Days''. Sandra Bullock stars in the movie and Howard said he enjoyed it. Betty directed Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' so he's more than happy to have her on the show. Howard claims that Betty told him that Steven Spielberg told her that he loved ''Private Parts''. He also heard that Mick Jagger told her that he thought the movie was ''perfect''. Betty later told him that Mick didn't tell her that. She heard it from director Cameron Crowe who said that Mick told him he wanted a film done about him like that because it was perfect.

  Howard said that Betty was looking much different than usual. She's let her hair down and it makes her look much different. Howard thinks that she must be trolling for men if she's changing her looks that much. She said she just let it down instead of pulling it back like she usually does. Howard told her she looks like Jenna Elfman.

  Howard visited Betty and Sandra Bullock on the set of this movie a while back and Betty told him that Sandra said he was cute. Howard spent a while trying to find out if Betty thinks that Sandra was really interested in him or not. She probably would have come on the show today but her mother just died recently. Betty told Howard that Sandra is also afraid to come in the studio because she thinks she'll have to get naked or something. Betty said that she thought Sandra was coming on to Howard on the set and that she really did call him cute. He sounds interested but he's not sure if Sandra could keep her mouth shut if they dated.

  Howard also brought up how Betty throws parties where she has weird stuff like guys bending spoons and stuff. He's never been but he hears about what happens at the parties. Betty said it's fun to have that stuff. Howard asked her if she knows it's just a party trick and that she can't actually bend a spoon with her mind. Betty said she could bend one if she had one there. No one had one around so she wasn't able to demonstrate it.

  Howard kept going back to the subject of Sandra Bullock every few minutes. He asked Betty if she though Sandra was his type or not. He ended up saying that anyone with a vagina was his type though.

  Betty is the Executive Producer of the upcoming ''Charlie's Angels'' movie so Howard spent a minute on that subject also. She said the rumors about Drew Barrymore trying to force feed the other girls isn't true. Robin heard that they're all fighting over lines and stuff but Betty said that's not true either.

  Before Betty left Howard got all serious and told her that he really misses working with her every day. He said that after they wrapped up the movie he was saddened that he wasn't working with her every day. He said her ''professionalism, charm and beauty'' were missed. Robin said both of them looked uncomfortable during his little speech. Betty told Howard that she'll probably be directing a movie called ''Dreyfus Affair'' next which is about a couple of baseball players who fall in love with each other. Howard said that sounds pretty funny. He said he'd be up for that kind of part. He doesn't think he'd be able to pull off the part of a baseball player though.

• Ralph's Playboy Party Story. 4/13/00. 9:40am
  Howard got his buddy Ralph on the phone to talk about his night out at the Playboy party last night. He kept it short so as not to piss off too many people. Ralph said the party was pretty cool and it got progressively better as the night went on. He didn't get laid at the party but he got to see a lot of hot Playboy models. He hung out with actor Dean Winters from ''Oz''. Ralph said the hottest chick there was Playmate of the year Heather Kosar. There were also some women wearing nothing but body paint walking around. After the party he and Dean went out to some clubs. He said that Dean knows the right clubs to go to. Ralph told Howard that he did get a little action at the end of the night. He drove some chick home from a club and she gave him oral in the back of his Jeep. That's the same place he puked in not too long ago. He said he got her number but he won't be calling her back. He said she wasn't that hot. She was okay looking at 3 in the morning but he doesn't want to see her again.

  Howard took a phone call from a woman who was angry that Howard puts Ralph on the phone. She complained that Ralph has no education and he doesn't work. She just doesn't know why Howard puts him on. She called him a ''hideous ghoul'' and argued with him for a couple of minutes. Howard said they get tons of calls like that every time Ralph is on the show. Everyone hates him for some reason.

• Daniele's Prison Rape Story. 4/14/00. 6:30am
  This woman Daniele called in this morning to tell Howard about her prison rape. Because of Daniele's masculine sounding voice Howard didn't believe that she was a woman. He thought that she was a female impersonator or something. Daniele says that she's a hot looking 38 year old but Howard found that hard to believe also. She says she's 5 foot 11 and weighs only 128 pounds. She was calling in to tell her story of being raped while she was in prison on drug charges. She said she got 3 years for cultivating marijuana and while she was in there one of the male guards raped her 5 times in a 32 day period of time. She said that 9 other women were also raped. She just recently won a lawsuit against the guard and he's now doing 10 years for the rapes. She told Howard how she was first raped in the shower after hearing another woman raped in a stall near hers. She was also hand cuffed to a bed in her room and raped. There was another time that she was raped in a freight elevator. Then there was a time she was raped in a storage closet. She said she was awarded $55,000 for all of this but hasn't seen a cent yet.

  Before Daniele left Howard told her that if he had the rights to her story he'd cast a guy to play her part and have his deep voiced announcer, Paul Turner, dub in the voice. After she got off the phone Fred went into his Herman Munster voice pretending to play the part of Daniele. Howard said it was the funniest thing he's heard.

• KC vs 10 Year Old In Spelling. 4/14/00. 6:50am
  This woman called in this morning and said that her 10 year old daughter Hanna could spell better than anyone on the show. Howard put the daughter on the phone and brought KC in to have a spelling quiz with the girl. The girl did pretty good but KC didn't do that bad. He was thrilled that he was getting words right and beating a 10 year old. Here are some of the words:
  • Hanna - Psycho - Correct
  • KC - Tournament - Correct
  • Millennium - Both - Controversy over spelling
  • Metropolitan - Hanna - incorrect/ KC got it right
  • Eclectic - KC - Incorrect / Hanna got it
  • Professional - KC - Correct
  • Achieve - Hanna - Correct
  • Diagnosis - KC - Correct
  • Accessories - Hanna - Incorrect / KC wasn't sure if it started with an A or an E
  KC figured he'd won by the end of it so he didn't want to spell Accessories. He may have been kidding about the A or E question. Maybe he wasn't...

• Sherman Hemsley Comes In. 4/14/00. 7:00am
  Actor Sherman Hemsley best known for his role as George Jefferson on ''The Jeffersons'', came in to promote his appearances at Caroline's comedy club this week. He'll be introducing comedians at Carolines until next Tuesday.

  Howard spent most of the time talking money with Sherman. Howard has read stories that Sherman was bankrupt but Sherman says that's not true. He had some bad investments but has never been bankrupt. He brought up the movie ''Ghost Fever'' which he put his own $2.5 million into and the movie didn't do too well. He sued some script doctor dude for some reason and was awarded $2.8 million but he hasn't seen any money from the guy yet.

  He and Howard also spent a few minutes talking about the money he made on ''The Jeffersons''. He said he was being paid $60,000 per episode for the final 4 years of the show so he made quite a bit of money. Now he's the MC at a comedy club.

  Before he left Howard plugged a few things for him. He gave out a web site address for a phone company, FDNI.com, but Sherman wasn't even sure of what the company was. He said he owns stock in the company and someone asked him to plug it so he did. Sherman is also going to be in the movie ''Screwed'' which comes out in May. He's in the movie with Norm MacDonald and a few other comedians.

• The Gossip Game With Guest Flavor Flav. 4/14/00. 7:45am
  Rapper Flavor Flav came in to play the Gossip Game this morning. He was also there to plug his album ''It's About Time'' which comes out in June. Howard spent a couple of minutes trying to talk to Flavor but he's a hard guy to talk to. He takes over the microphone when he's in the studio. Howard got to the Mike Walker game before getting too deep into discussion with Flavor. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
  1. Julia Louis Dreyfus is one of the candidates for taking over for Kathie Lee when she leaves Regis and Kathie Lee later this summer. One thing that might hold her back is the fact that she'd have to uproot her kids and move them to New York from California.
  2. David Spade came out of his dressing room shower to find his clothes missing. He had to put on a towel and run out in the hall to find the wardrobe assistant taking his clothes away.
  3. Antonio Banderes has been spraying his head with hair dye to cover up some bald spots that have been showing up on the back of his head.
  4. Arnold Schwarzenegger was yelled at by his wife after he secretly lit up a cigar in her car while she was shopping.
  Flavor picked number 2 as the false story. Howard and Jackie went with number 1 while Robin went with number 3. Fred went with number 4. The actual false story was number two. Mike pointed out that it's very unusual for a guest to be the only one to get the answer correct but that's just what Flavor did today.

  After the game Howard spoke to Flavor for a while. Most of the discussion was about Flavor's run-ins with the law. He had a rap sheet that had incidents for just about every year since 1991 where Flavor was arrested. Flavor had excuses for each and every arrest and of course, he says he was innocent in each one. When he was arrested for assaulting the mother of his kids in 1991 he claimed that his hand accidentally touched her face while he was waving his hands around. He told Howard that he has 6 kids with 2 different women and he's working on 4 more kids. Howard also brought up an arrest for attempted murder on a 54 year old guy but Flavor said he didn't remember the details of that one. He was most likely high on something. He said he was more than high, he was bent when that happened.

  There was another incident where he was arrested after a woman took pictures of his kids without his permission. He took the camera from the woman and exposed the film because he didn't want pictures of his kids taken.

  Another incident was when Flavor got arrested for driving with a suspended license even though he claims he wasn't driving. He said his car was hit by a passing taxi cab and when he flagged down the cops they found out he had a suspended license. He wasn't driving though. The car was parked and he was just getting out of the car. Everything's just a misunderstanding in Flavor's life. You can find out more about Flavor at his web site FlavorFlav.com

• Matthew McConaughey Comes In. 4/14/00. 8:30am
  Actor Matthew McConaughey came in to promote his new movie ''U-571'' which opens next Friday, April 21. The laid back Texan came in and didn't speak into the microphone so Howard had to have him lean in to it a bit more. He eventually got on mic so Howard could interview him. Howard had tons of stuff to talk to him about but he started out talking about Matthew's life growing up. He was voted ''Best Looking'' guy in high school and now that he's an actor he's still getting compliments on how good he looks. Howard said he read somewhere that an actress he worked with said when he lifted up his shirt and showed off his abs it made her breathless. Matthew told Howard that he lost his virginity when he was 15 and he never went through a dry spell like most kids do. Howard also brought up Matthew's parents. His parents were divorced 2 times and married 3 times during his life. He told Howard that his dad died after having sex with his mother at the age of 64. He said he finished up with his wife and died right after it. Matthew said that his father once told him that that's the way he was probably going to die so he predicted it right. Howard said ''So your father Came and Went in the same breath?'' That's the best way to put it.

  The biggest story Howard wanted to find out about was how Matthew was arrested for playing the bongos in his house while he was naked. The story was out late last year and Howard found it pretty fascinating. Matthew went into every little detail leading up to that situation. He said he was just partying the whole weekend back in October. He had come home on a Sunday night with his buddy Cole. He put on some music and at some point during the night he got naked.. which he says is a normal thing for him to do in his own home. He had the music pretty loud and his windows were open so his neighbors got upset because it was about 3 in the morning. He had to point out that it wasn't bongos he was playing, it was the congas. They're bigger than bongos. The cops showed up and allegedly tried knocking on the door but Matthew didn't hear it. He said the next thing he knew there were 2 silhouettes standing in his candle-lit home and he got pissed. He wanted them to get out but one of the cops shined his flashlight on the coffee table and saw a bong sitting there. That didn't go over too well so the next thing Matthew knew, he was thrown against the wall and hand cuffed. He refused to put on any clothing so he was dragged to the police car naked. They took him to the police station naked but a big inmate there convinced him that he should put on some clothing. Matthew says he's a pretty good conga player but he's not great. He said he can keep a beat but that's about it. He told Howard that he was yelling how he was innocent and that he shouldn't have been arrested.. just like every other person at the jail.

  Howard also wanted to talk to Matthew about all of the women he's had in his life. Sandra Bullock's name came up first. The two of them were a couple for a while but now they're just friends. He said that he did sleep with her but he didn't get into any details. Also on the list of women he's had was Ashley Judd. Matthew said she was a ''wonderful woman'' and that they're still friends also. Howard asked him which one was better in bed but Matthew didn't reveal that information. Howard wondered how he manages to stay friends with women after breaking up with them. Matthew said that they just have respect for each other and that keeps the friendship going.

  One last story Howard brought up was about Matthew getting kicked out of a comedy club after heckling a comedian at a comedy club. It turned out to be this guy Speech Impediment Man who has been on Howard's show in the past. He was on the phone to talk about it. Speech Impediment Man has Cerebral Palsey and Matthew claims he didn't know that. He said he wasn't really saying anything when he was heckling him, he was just making weird noises and stuff during the act. Matthew didn't think he was all that funny so he was goofing on the poor guy during his act. Speech Impediment Man says it actually helped out his act so he didn't have a problem with Matthew. Matthew said he was a little drunk at the time also so that didn't help.

  Howard took a few phone calls for Matthew before he left but no one had much to say. Howard told Matthew that he really enjoyed ''U-571'' and that it was a really good movie.