For The Week Of 1/10/2000 to 1/14/2000

• KC's Gayness Discussed Again. 1/10/00. 6:25am
  While Howard and the rest of the crew were discussing this past weekend's football games KC came in and said something about seeing football player Dan Marino's ass on TV this weekend. He told Howard that Dan's ass was huge. That led to Howard bringing up the fact that KC might just be gay. He was recently ridiculed for going to a tanning salon because Howard thought that was pretty odd also. This morning KC also admitted that he lotions his body each day after taking a shower. Also a very strange thing for a guy to do according to Howard. KC said that he doesn't think that commenting on Dan Marino's ass was that strange. He said he told all of his buddies that were watching the game with him and they agreed that the guy's ass was huge. Howard thinks that some day KC will come out of the closet, probably when he's in his 40's sometime.

• Bobo's Question Of The Day. 1/10/00. 7:20am
  This guy Bobo calls in once in a while with some good questions for Howard. This morning he asked Howard who, on the show, he thinks will be the next to split from their wife. Howard thought about it during a break and when he came back he went through each of the guys who are married. At first he said you'd think that Fred would be the most unhappy but Fred told him that he's been through therapy and he's happier than ever in his marriage. Then Howard went through Gary, Stuttering John and Jackie. He thought about it for a few minutes and almost said Stuttering John would be next but eventually settled on Fred. Bobo also asked who was the most pussy-whipped in the group. Howard said that all of them are but pointed out that Gary is the one who seems to show it the most.

• Beetlejuice Accepts Howard's AVN Award. 1/10/00. 7:35am
  Adult Video News decided to give Howard a lifetime achievement award this year at their AVN awards show. Howard didn't want to go to the event so he sent Beetlejuice out to Las Vegas to accept for him. He played the tape this morning and said that Beetlejuice was wearing a headset so they could feed him some lines. This guy Paul Fishbine introduced Beetlejuice and the little dwarf got up on stage and yelled out some unintelligible lines. Some of the things he said were understandable but not many. He said that he loves Howard Stern, he's a great man. He also asked the audience what they were staring at. He also started to say something about ''I have a dream'' but didn't get far in that one. At one point they tried to kick him off the stage but he wouldn't leave. They had to kick him off after he said something about the ''whores and bitches'' in the audience.

• Angie Everhart Comes In. 1/10/00. 7:40am
  Actress Angie Everhart came in this morning to promote the fact that she's in the current issue of Playboy magazine. Earlier in the morning Howard and STuttering John made a bet. John bet Howard $20 that he wouldn't be able to get Angie to tongue kiss him. Howard accepted the bet. When Angie came in Howard immediately told Angie about the bet and she said she'd do it. Howard told her he'd split the money but she didn't want it. She headed right over to his lap and within a few seconds the two of them were making out. John was in the studio to watch and said that he couldn't see tongue because both Howard and Angie's hair was in the way. They had to do it a second time. The whole time Howard was talking to Angie in his soft, sexy voice. She stayed on his lap for about 20 minutes while he spoke to her and told her how he'd like to take her on a date sometime. Howard called her a ''little angel'' and continued to talk to her in his sexy voice. Stuttering John asked Angie if she finds Howard attractive and when she said she does, John asked her ''What's the name of your seeing eye dog?'' He also asked her how long it would take Howard to get in her pants. She didn't have an answer for that one though.

  Everyone in the studio was amazed that Howard kissed Angie the way he did. Jackie, Robin and Gary all said they were very surprised. Gary said that he's never seen Howard kiss a woman like that. Howard said he kissed his movie wife the same way in ''Private Parts''. Robin said that scene must have been cut because she didn't see that type of kiss in the movie. Angie was really into Howard and said she would go on a date with him. Howard told her that he'd just take her to his apartment and have a nice dinner then do some dancing. Is Howard in love?

  Howard wanted to do a real interview so he took a break so Angie could get off his lap and go sit on the couch. After the break Howard came back with Angie and plugged an appearance she's making tomorrow. Angie will be signing autographs from 12-2pm at Tower Video and Books, 383 Lafayette St. in New York City. She said she wear something sexy.

  Howard went through the notes he had on Angie and asked her a bunch of quick questions. One story was about how this guy was feeling her up on an airplane one time. Angie said that she had fallen asleep and was awakened by this guy who had his hand down her blouse. She complained and was going to press charges but didn't want to go back to South Africa to testify. The guy claimed that he'd lost his watch and was looking for it down her blouse. Howard also brought up a story he'd heard about Sylvester Stallone. Apparently Angie was having breast surgery and Sylvester came in and told the doctor to make her breasts larger. Angie told Howard that she can't comment on that story because there are lawsuits pending.

• Kat's Playboy Evaluation. 1/10/00. 8:40am
  While Angie Everhart was still in the studio Howard told her that this woman showed up at the station to get evaluated to see if she's Playboy material. 21 year old Kat came in and told Howard she wanted to know if she was good enough to be in Playboy. She told Howard that she's a college student at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Howard asked her if she was going to take her clothes off and within seconds she was naked. Howard was surprised at what he saw and a couple of ''Whoh!'' and ''Wow!''s came out of him. Angie said that she thought Kat was Playboy material but Howard and the crew had to look her over a little closer. Everyone agreed that above the waist Kat was great. Below the waist she needs some work. Fred was the one who really pointed it out saying that she needs to do some work down there before Playboy would take her. Howard agreed. Howard said that her ass did jiggle a little bit. Fred also said she needs to work on her hair and makeup also. It turns out she has implants but they aren't too big for her body. Kat said she went from a B-cup to a C. KC came in and said that Kat's feet were a little big and her ass needs some work like Dan Marino's does. Howard wanted to take some pictures of Kat but the camera wasn't working after KC brought it in to him. Howard tried a few times but it just didn't work.

  After Kat's evaluation was over Howard spent more time talking to Angie. He told her that General Manager Tom Chiusano has a crush on her. He had Tom come in but Tom refused to look at Angie for more than a second at a time. He said that he didn't want to gawk at her. He did say that he thinks she's a very beautiful woman though. Howard asked Tom if he had a boner just looking at Angie. Tom said ''no'' of course. Howard admitted that he was aroused when she was sitting on his lap though.

  Howard discussed dating Angie and said he would go out on one with her. She was the one who said she'd love to go on a date with him. Tom suggested a small Italian restaurant that they could go to so they could be alone. Everyone in the studio was still in amazement that Howard had kissed this woman so intimately. Jackie admitted that he was jealous of Howard. Fred refused to admit it but some people think he really is. As Angie was getting ready to leave Howard had her come over so he could sweet talk her some more and tell her that he's looking forward to their date. He also kissed her goodbye but didn't give any tongue. Howard also mentioned that Angie will be chatting live on Playboy.com later this month. Check out the site to get the date and time.

• Post Angie Interview Wrap Up. 1/10/00. 9:35am
  Before doing the news Howard spent a little while talking about the whole Angie thing. Fred told Howard that Angie is what Julia Roberts aspires to be. He explained that he thinks that Julia tries to come off as being elegant and beautiful like Angie but only Angie can pull it off. We all know Fred is nuts so I won't try to explain his explanation. Howard took a couple of phone calls about Angie also. One guy claimed to have dated Angie when he was like 15 but Howard didn't care about the story to he ended up hanging up on him. A woman called in and wanted to tell Howard how to take Angie out on a date but she dragged it out so much that Howard hung up on her. Howard is still wondering how he can pull this date off and he's getting suggestions from everyone. Some people think he's been dating her for some time now and just isn't admitting it. Howard swears that he hasn't dated her. He was seen at a Metallica concert with her a while ago but he said he wasn't with her, he was with his buddy Pat who brought Angie to the concert. Robin's not so sure about that story. Howard has Angie's phone number so it's all up to him now.

• Howard's Still Thinking About Angie Everhart. 1/11/00. 6:15am
  Howard was still talking about his show with Angie Everhart yesterday. He said he watched the tape of the show and doesn't know if he wants to let it air on E! or not. Robin said they could make a whole week's worth of shows out of that one interview. Howard said he called Angie later in the day to try and set something up with her but she's leaving town for a while. Howard had some meetings right after the show so he didn't call her until later in the afternoon. He was actually in his limo on his way out to have dinner with his kids when he made the call. A lot of people noticed that Robin was acting strange after the whole Angie interview and this morning she said that she's having a tough time getting used to Howard acting like that. She's been used to him being married for over 20 years and seeing him making out with another woman kind of freaked her out. Howard said it's strange for him also.

  Howard spent a few minutes talking to his buddy Ralph this morning also. Ralph was out at Scores last night and he's got a new wireless e-mail thing that he was using to e-mail Howard while he was there. Ralph told Howard about his night out picking up a couple of women.

  Howard mentioned something weird about one of Robin's cats this morning also. He was talking about how his kids just got a new cat and how they asked how many Robin had now. He said she has one less than she did because someone dropped a couch on one of their heads. He didn't get into it anymore than that but it sounds like someone accidentally killed one of her 9 cats.

• Myreah Moore Calls In To Plug Her Book. 1/11/00. 7:00am
  Howard was introducing this woman Myreah Moore as he was getting her on the phone. Robin said that she knows her. It eventually led to Robin talking about this ''Goddess'' group she was hanging out with for a while. As soon as Howard started asking Robin about this group she got very defensive and started yelling as she was telling the story. It turns out she was invited to hang out with this group of women a few times and each time they hung out it got stranger and stranger. The group started out as just a little click of women but it soon turned to man bashing and the empowerment of women. The women started reading some books and talking about some odd stuff so Robin claims she got out of the group. Howard was fascinated and spent 15 minutes talking to her about it but didn't learn a lot. At first Robin was very vague but each time a question was asked she'd spill more info. She said the women would be complaining about their marriages one second and they'd head out to a swingers club the next. Robin didn't participate in that though.

  After all of Robin's strange stories Howard got Myreah on the phone. Myreah was in the Goddess group that Robin was talking about. She has a book out called ''Date Like a Man'' which gives some suggestions on dating men. Howard quickly went through some of the suggestions with Myreah. She says that women should date 3 men at a time. You should have one man you want to be with for a long time and a couple of ''F-buddies'' that you have sex with. She suggests that you hold off on sex with the man you want to stay with for at least 4-5 months. She also suggests that instead of a woman kissing a man, she should give them oral sex! She also suggests things like:

  • Don't nag your man.
  • Don't buy him presents too early in the relationship.
  • Don't introduce him to your weird friends.
  • Too many cats scare a man off.
  She also suggests that when a woman breaks up with a man that she perform a ritual like exorcising a the bed. Howard wound things up within a few minutes since he'd spent so much time with Robin talking about the Goddess stuff. You can get more info about Myreah by e-mailing her at MyDatingCoach@hotmail.com

• Beetlejuice Comes In. 1/11/00. 7:50am
  The tiny-headed dwarf known as Beetlejuice came in this morning so Howard could finish playing the tape he started playing yesterday. Beetlejuice was sent out to Las Vegas to accept an Adult Video News award on behalf of Howard. Beetlejuice came in dressed in a robe, bunny slippers and a cigar. He was also sporting a Dennis Rodman-like hairdo with his hair bleached blonde. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Beetle, or trying to talk to him anyway. He played the tape that he played yesterday then played some of the back stage tape where Mike Gange and Doug Goodstein were feeding Beetle some of his lines. They had an earpiece in Beetle's ear so they could tell him what to say. He'd start to say what they told him to but he would change it all around each time. After playing the tapes Howard was going to wrap things up but there were some stories to tell about his trip out to Vegas. Beetle almost caused a major incident when he lit up a cigarette on the flight from Las Vegas. The flight attendant told him to put it out and he just told her to leave him alone. He also called her a bitch and an asshole. Beetle's manager Sean spoke up and told the flight crew that Beetle can't read so he didn't know he couldn't smoke. They almost had to land the plane and have him arrested. We also learned that Beetle is 31 years old and has a daughter but when Howard asked him how old she is he said ''75''. Doug said she was 34 when he asked the other day. Mike and Doug also said that Beetle was yelling at some fans who drove by as they were shooting some footage on the Las Vegas Strip. They heckled him a little and he went off on them. He doesn't take any crap from anyone. You can find out more or book Beetlejuice through JollyDwarf.com

• Playboy Model Monica Mercedes Comes In. 1/11/00. 8:40am
  This woman Monica Mercedes came in this morning to talk to Howard about how her mother was in the CIA. Monica appeared in the February 1991 issue of Playboy in a layout of muscular women. She came in to tell Howard her strange story. She claims that her mother was brought into the CIA and sent down to Cuba to assassinate Fidel Castro. She told Howard how her mother was with Fidel for a while after meeting him and got pregnant. She was then forced to abort her child and came back to the U.S. The CIA somehow got a hold of her and got her to go down to Cuba to kill the guy. Monica said it took some time for the CIA to get her to do this but she finally agreed. She went down with some poison pills and when she got there the pills had melted so her mission failed. Monica claims that Lifetime television did a TV movie about her mothers life and it's all true. She told Howard that her grandmother may have been assassinated to keep her mother from spilling her story also. She said she died under some strange circumstances. She said it wasn't necessarily the CIA but some offshoot or rogue agent who killed her off. She also said that her father was the president of Venezuela from 1952-58. Howard said he thinks this woman is telling the truth and has no reason not to believe her. During the interview Howard had her show off her abs and nice tight ass to break things up. He didn't spent too much time with her because he had this rapist dude on the phone. She basically said that she thinks that some of these stories are pretty funny and she wants to turn them into a sequel to the TV movie that was made. She said that she can be reached at SariKoon@aol.com

• Daniel The Rapist Calls In. 1/11/00. 8:55am
  This 43 year old guy Dan called in this morning to discuss his life of rape. He claims that he's raped over 100 women and has never been caught doing it. He was arrested for a failed rape attempt but never for rape. He described to Howard about one of his first rapes and said that it was just a snap decision that came over him at the time. He said that he'd fantasized about rape for a while before actually doing it though. This all happened when he was still only 17 or so. He says that since then he's raped over 100 women. Now he's not afraid of talking about them because the statute of limitations has passed since he last raped a woman about 9 years ago. He says that when he was arrested for aggravated assault back in 1991 or so he voluntarily went into a program to help him stop raping. He claims that it worked. Dan said that the sex act during rape may only take 15 to 20 seconds so it doesn't make much difference if the woman screams and yells. Howard asked him if he feels any remorse for the things he's done. Dan said that he does but during the act he can discard any emotions so it doesn't bother him at the time.

  Dan spoke like a normal guy and sounded very intelligent. That's one of the things that callers wanted to point out. You can't judge someone by the way he sounds. Howard took many calls during this guy's interview. Most people felt that he should either be killed or kill himself. There was also a reporter from Peoria, Illinois who has written some articles about Dan. He told Howard his side of the story and said that Dan makes it seem like he's a victim because his name has been mentioned in the paper. The reporter said that Dan is the one who is ''no good'' and he gets off on all of the attention. Dan claims that he's been shot at and threatened by people since being reported in the paper.

  Howard wondered how Dan can live with so many people being against him. Dan claims that he got an inheritance from an aunt and now has his own business building aquariums. He also said that he doesn't crave any type of companionship at all from either sex. He still has thoughts of rape but claims that he doesn't act on them. By the end of the interview Howard was wishing horrible things to happen to Dan for the things he's done but also thanked him for agreeing to the interview. Howard claimed that he wanted to let people know what's in the mind of a rapist. He told everyone that if they know any women they should listen to this nut so they know how normal a freak can sound. Dan kept saying that he has a web site with his story on it but he never did get the plug in for it.

• Happy 46th Birthday Howard. 1/12/00. 6:05am
  Well, today is Howard's birthday and there's no big birthday show. Howard didn't get one last year either. He told Robin that he wanted one this year but Robin and Gary say they're done with them. They were too much work and they just can't do it. Howard is keeping his hopes up this year though. He still thinks that he might get one.

  A couple of people called in to wish Howard a happy birthday this morning. Dan the Farter called in and blasted the ''Happy Birthday'' song over the phone. Captain Janks also called in to say ''happy birthday'' and also to play a couple of phony phone calls he made. Janks made a call to the Golf Channel and asked some old golfer if he likes Howard's balls. Of course they hung up on him immediately. The old golfer said ''No I don't' a few times after the question though. Janks also suggested that Howard play some of the musical performances from past birthday shows. During the rest of the show that's exactly what they did. Janks also made a quick mention about setting up a phony phone call scam for the Larry King show and said you can find more info at CaptainJanks.com.

• Marcy's New Implants. 1/12/00. 7:15am
  Back in October this woman played and won a ''Queen For a Day'' contest where she won breast implants. This morning she came in to show them off. She looked so different that no one recognized her. Howard had to check his notes to refresh his memory about how horrible her life had been. She not only got huge implants but also fixed her teeth and hair. Howard checked out Dr. Calabro's web site to see the before and after pictures that are over there. Marcy told Howard that she and Dr. Calabro are going to set up a web site for her and it'll be up and running sometime in February. She's going to try and come back on the show then to promote the site. Marcy told Howard how great Dr. Calabro is. Dr. Calabro said that when Marcy came to his office yesterday some people from the lobby of the building followed her to the office just to find out who she is. Check out the pictures at SalCalabro.com yourself to see just how good she looks.

• Howard's Kathie Lee Rant. 1/12/00. 7:45am
  Howard took a phone call from Gay Ramone who was going to sing ''Happy Birthday'' to Howard. Somehow Howard got on the subject of Kathie Lee Gifford and ended up talking about her for 20 minutes. He was talking about this Broadway play that she's in and how she refuses to say ''Goddamn'' in it. She was on the TV show ''The View'' and Howard had tape of it which he played on the air this morning. Kathie Lee was explaining to the hosts of ''The View'' why she won't say ''the lord's name in vain'' but she will say the f-word no problem because she's ''no prude.'' Howard said that she's just a religious paranoid. Howard said that they're still putting together a plan to buy all the tickets for one of her show. They're going to buy all of the tickets and go to the show. Howard said that it'll probably just be him, Gary, Jackie, Fred and Robin and maybe some wack packers like Beetlejuice and Gary the retard. The rest of the place will be empty. Kathie Lee also mentioned that she has her best talks with her kids while they're taking a bath. Howard pointed out that her son is like 10 years old. He said that if he were to admit to bathing his kids at the age of 10 they'd put him away. Kathie Lee was constantly talking about religion during her interview. Howard said it's like a 24 hour ''Davey and Goliath'' show.

  After Howard got done talking about Kathie Lee he brought up this birthday card he got that tells you about what happened in history on your birthday and who shares your birthday. He said the card was inaccurate because it had the New York Mets listed as the champions in 1954. They didn't exist as the Mets in '54 according to Gary. Howard also quickly mentioned a few people who share his birthday like Kirstie Alley, Rush Limbaugh, Henny Youngman and Rob Zombie. Gary said he shares his birthday with Albert Einstein.

  Howard eventually got around to Gay Ramone but after one or two lines of ''Happy Birthday'', Howard hung up on him.

• Gary Talks About ''The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook''. 1/12/00. 8:15am
  Howard said that Gary found this cool book called ''The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook'' which tells you how to survive things like shark attacks, bear attacks, alligator attacks and stuff like that. It also tells you how to deliver a baby in a taxi, how to land a plane and how to survive in the desert. Gary gave some examples like to get rid of a shark you hit it in the eyes or gills and it should go away. He also told Howard how to land a plane if the pilot passes out. It's pretty much common sense stuff but someone, someday may just need to know one of these things. He also read about how to avoid being shot when there's gun fire in your area. Again, it was common sense stuff like ''get as far away from the gun as possible'' and ''Get down low''.

• Howard Plays The ''Ask Fred'' Game. 1/12/00. 8:45am
  Last week Howard played this game where KC asks Fred some questions and they have to guess what his answer will be. Howard had some more questions to play today. He didn't have any callers playing for prizes today, it was just Howard and the rest of the crew guessing. Here are the questions and answers:
  • Have you ever had any sexually transmitted disease? - No
  • Who do you consider your closest friend on the show? - Howard
  • Who do you consider your least closest friend on the show? - (Stuttering) John Melendez
  • Did you lose your virginity before or after the age of 18? - Before
  • Have you ever had sex with an older woman? - No
  • Did you ever catch your parents having sex? - No
  After the last question everyone started discussing their parents and the weird things they used to do. Gary was talking about how his father used to fart in his sleep so loud that he could hear it in his room. His mother would yell at him after he did it also. Gary says that he does the same thing and his wife kicks him in the thigh. Gary said he's been told it looks like he's being shocked with those heart attack electric paddles when he farts in his sleep. That led to another funny discussion that Gary started. He said that he was giving oral sex to this woman one time and she passed wind through her privates.. also known as a Queef. At the time he didn't know what it was and it surprised him. He said that it lasted like 3 or 4 seconds and he saw where it came from so he knew it wasn't a fart. Howard was laughing hysterically as he reenacted what it might have sounded like. Gary said he asked the girl what that was and she told him ''don't worry about it'' so he continued his oral.

  Hank the dwarf called in during this segment to wish Howard a happy birthday so Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him. He wasn't drunk yet but said that he'd be hitting the bottle of M.D. 20/20 later this morning.

• Wood Yi And Son Visit. 1/12/00. 9:30am
  Howard played a pre-recorded bit where he interviewed Wood Yi and his son Shamus. Howard questioned Wood Yi about his genius 11 year old son and Wood Yi would come back with some funny answers. It went by very quickly so it's hard to describe here. Wood Yi also played his son but with a voice synthesizer on.

• Howard's Mommy Calls In. 1/12/00. 9:35am
  Howard's mother Ray called in this morning to wish him a happy birthday. Howard decided to have his mother talk about everything from his conception to his birth so he started to ask her questions. He asked her everything about whether or not his father wore rubbers before they decided to make Howard and stuff like that. Howard also wanted to know if he was planned or if he was a mistake. Mrs. Stern just wanted to talk about his birthday today, not about all of that stuff. Howard did get her to talk a little bit about everything though. She said that Howard was planned and that she wanted to name him Harvey but his father wanted no part of that name. We also learned that there was a miscarriage before Howard was conceived. Howard also wanted to find out what position his parents were in when he was conceived. Ray said that it was in the ''best position'' but wouldn't say exactly which one that is. Then Howard got around to the day he was born in Mt. Sinai hospital. He asked his mother if his penis was tiny back then. She said that it was perfect and she was very satisfied with him. Howard also asked if she said ''Happy Halloween'' when she saw his face. She loved him just the way he was. Howard also asked her where his foreskin is and that he wants it back. Ray said that she has it and it's in her will that he'll get it back. Howard then asked how long it took before his father started yelling at him. Ray said that he never yelled at him. Fred then played some of his childhood tapes where Ben was yelling at Howard to ''shut up, sit down''. Howard told his mommy that she raised what people call the ''worlds worst nightmare'' and told her he loves her. Then his father got on the phone and said a couple of words before he got off the phone. Howard said that he'd honor his father by telling himself to ''Shut up, sit down!'' After Ben was off the phone Howard said that his dad never said ''I love you'' to him.

• Howard Spent His Birthday In Meetings. 1/13/00. 6:05am
  Howard told Robin that he spent his birthday evening in meetings yesterday. He said he met with his agent, Don Buchwald, to discuss his future career. He didn't fill anyone in on what those plans are but said that there's no Jackie in those plans. He said that he doesn't ever want to go through Jackie's ridiculous contract negotiations again. Howard's radio contract is up in November of this year and he's still trying to figure out what he wants to do. Howard said that he shouldn't have booked all of those meetings yesterday because he got very grumpy during them.

• Melrose Larry Calls In With Tape. 1/13/00. 6:35am
  Melrose Larry Green called in with some tape for Howard to listen to this morning. Before Howard let Larry play his stuff he mentioned a poll that was taken over at KoAM.com about whether or not people think Howard will date Angie Everhart. Howard said he saw it yesterday and revisited it this morning to tell Robin the results. According to Howard 43% of the people polled think that he will date Angie and 21% said there was a 50/50 chance. The other 36% don't think he'll date her. Howard then had Melrose Larry play tape from the National Enquirer TV show where they did a story about Howard's new single life. They said that Howard has been seen hanging out with the woman who played his wife in ''Private Parts'', Mary MacCormack. Howard said that he's not dating her and that she has a boyfriend of her own. She hung out on the set of ''Son of the Beach'' for a while and the Enquirer got some pictures of that.

  Melrose also played some tape of Hilary Clinton on David Letterman's show last night. It was very boring so Howard only spent a couple of minutes listening to it. After that tape Melrose played a quick tape of him asking Larry King to wish Howard a Happy Birthday. Melrose ambushed King outside of his CNN show last night. King gave Howard a quick ''Happy Birthday and many more'' comment.

• Jackie And Gary Fight. 1/13/00. 7:05am
  During a commercial break Gary and Jackie got into a little bit of a fight. Gary was talking to Howard about something during the break and Howard asked him to do something. Jackie said Gary got this look on his face like he couldn't handle what Howard asked him to do so Jackie went up behind him and said something in his best Gary impression that went something like ''I can only do NO things at one time!'' That pissed Gary off and he started yelling at Jackie that he's trying to do something for the show. Jackie came back saying that he's doing his job, busting Gary's balls. Some of this was heard on the air as Howard went to do a live commercial in New York. When Howard came out of the break he explained it all. Jackie and Gary also gave their explanations. Gary said that he's good friends with Jackie but he just pushes his buttons all of the time. He never takes a break from busting Gary's balls. Gary said that Fred will do it once in a while but Jackie is just on him constantly. The funny thing is that Fred busts Jackie's balls and Jackie complains about it but then goes right ahead and does it to Gary.

• Bob's Softball Game Story. 1/13/00. 7:10am
  This listener, Bob, called with a pretty funny story that Howard wanted Robin to hear. The guy says he was at his Niece's Catholic high school softball game just watching. This one girl made a great catch and Bob decided to cheer her on. Instead of saying ''nice catch'' he said ''nice snatch!'' Ooops! He then realized what he said. Then the girl's father started yelling at Bob to come down off the bleachers to talk to him. Bob eventually moved his way down and the older guy started poking him. The guy eventually ended up slapping Bob in the face for his comment so Bob sort of pushed him back. The older guy fell back a few steps and landed on his ass. The cops came and Bob was charged with simple assault but he said that was eventually thrown out of court because he pressed charges against the other guy for hitting him first. Howard thought that was a pretty amusing story.

• The Sex Offender Registry. 1/13/00. 8:00am
  Gary told Howard about this site that the state of Connecticut has up that lists sex offenders in the state. Howard checked it out this morning to see some of the pictures. They goofed on some of the pictures because some of the guys look like they'd have to rape to get laid. You can check out the site yourself at State.CT.US

• Mystery Record. 1/13/00. 8:10am
  Howard did a quick Mystery Record game this morning. He played this person singing a soft Jazz song in a very effeminate voice. He took a break and when he came back he had a caller on the line who knew the answer. It turned out to be Matt Damon in some new movie where he plays an effeminate man. The caller had a choice of a few prizes including a cam corder, a laptop or Flooz gift certificates. He took the laptop of course.

• David Marx Plugs HempWorks.com. 1/13/00. 8:15am
  This guy David called in to promote the use of hemp this morning. The guy has his own line of hemp skin care products that he wanted to promote. Howard questioned the guy about why he cares so much about this. The guy pointed out how many things can be made out of hemp and how useful it could be if it was legalized. Howard just doesn't understand why anyone would care. Howard had a list of like 25,000 things that hemp can be used for including fuel oil, clothing and rope. The list also pointed out things that hemp was used for in the past. It claims that in the days of the Mayflower they used hemp for rope, books, maps and bibles among others. Jackie chimed in and said that fabric made from hemp is very soft. Howard thought it was like a potato sack but the process has been refined so it feels soft now. Howard eventually got sick of the guy and his dopey explanations so he plugged the web site for him. HempWorks.com

• The Ask Howard Game. 1/13/00. 8:25am
  First we had Ask Fred, now we have Ask Howard. KC came up with this dumb thing where he asks people on the show questions and everyone tries to figure out what their answer will be. Howard thought this might be boring so he told Robin to let him know and he'd stop it. Howard said that the interview was taped in the bathroom with KC so it was kind of strange. Here are some of the questions and answers:
  • If Prozac made you happy, would you take it? - No
  • Have you cried in the last week? - No
  The crying question led to a discussion about KC. KC said that he cried once and it made him sick. He thinks that guys shouldn't cry or touch each other. Howard said that he's very weird about people touching him and he thinks that may be just another sign that he's gay. He even installed a rearview mirror on his desk so he can see people approaching him so he doesn't get surprised. Gary said KC will jump if you touch him. KC says it's his personal space being violated and he doesn't like that. But Robin said that she touched him and he said that's okay. Howard wanted to know what made KC cry the one time but he was very cryptic in his explanation. He said it had something to do with ''a broad'' and it was a low point in his life. He said it still makes him sick to think about it. At one point Howard asked KC if he'd mind if he dated his mother. KC said as long as his mother went along with it he wouldn't mind. He does protect his mother though and said he wouldn't want to have to ''flatten'' his boss if he did something wrong.

  Howard played more of the questions:

  • Will your wife sleep with another man in the next year? - No
  • Do you think your wife used you for your money? - No
  • Are you generous? - Yes
  • Do you have a big ego? - Yes
  • Would you ever try and direct your children's careers? - No
  • Do people like you for you? - No
  • Do you feel guilty after you pleasure yourself? - No
  At this point Howard interrupted the game to take a phone call. This guy said that he had KC's mother as a teacher in school. KC was ready to kill the guy if he said anything wrong about his mother. That led to Howard thinking that KC has a thing for his mother and he's mental for her but doesn't know it. That's the reason he can't get it up for women when he's with them according to Howard. KC yelled out ''Okay Freud, cool it!'' and Howard moved on to play more questions:
  • Have you ever had a fecal accident on the air? - Yes
  Howard said that he has had skid marks and stuff like that while on the air. Howard even said he smells the underwear when he has accidents. He even admitted to smelling his spandex shorts after he jogs. Gary also admitted that he enjoys the smell of his own crapped pants. He said it's like ''a fart to the ninth power'' and loves the stink. It's a victimless crime according to Howard. ''I'm in love with my feces!'' he said. Here are the rest of the questions:
  • Have you ever had sex in a bathroom with another person? - Yes
  • Have you ever pleasured yourself while driving? - No
  • Have you ever heard your mother use the F-word? - No
  • Do you see yourself on radio in 10 years? - No
  • Would you have a real orgasm in a movie if the script called for it? - Yes
  There was also another question in there but the delay was hit during it so I'm not exactly sure what it was. I believe it was something about wiping his ass with leaves.

• Linda Joyce Talks Past Life Regression. 1/13/00. 9:10am
  This woman Linda Joyce called in to plug her book ''The Day You Were Born : A Journey to Wholeness Through Astrology and Numerology''. She does Past Life Regression on people and charges them $150 for it. Howard didn't know why he was having her on but he spoke to her for a few minutes anyway. Howard said he believes more in Santa Claus than he does in this past life regression stuff. Linda told Howard that in Gary's past life he was a ''house negro slave'' and walked around saying ''Ya Suh''. She told him a couple of other things and all Howard could say is ''So what!?'' He doesn't understand why anyone would want to find out these made up stories. Linda says that some people need things like this to understand their lives or some crap like that. Howard was bored with all of this stuff as soon as he put Linda on the phone so he didn't last too long with her. Linda told Howard that he was a woman in one past life. She said that Howard was so beautiful that he was kidnapped and sold into prostitution. In another life he was a Sultan with 100 wives. Howard said that he wasn't trying to offend Linda by saying this but ''She's no phonier than a Priest.'' He pointed out that a priest tells you stories that he doesn't know for sure are true so they both do the same thing. The only difference is that the church gets more money out of you. Howard finally got sick of all of this and plugged Linda's web site LindaJoyce.com and got off the phone.

• Pat Cooper Calls In To Yell At Robin. 1/13/00. 10:30am
  Howard recently got a call from a listener who said that comedian Pat Cooper was bad mouthing him at some deli. Howard didn't think much of it and said he didn't know if he believed the caller or not. But Robin said something like ''..there are some people you just can't do enough for..'' Well, this morning Pat Cooper called in to tell Howard he heard the tape of that and didn't think it was right for Robin to say that. He asked Robin if she was nuts and gave her some attitude for a couple of minutes. Robin said she was just going by what the caller said and she didn't know if it was true or not. Pat asked her why she didn't call before she made the comment. Robin sort of apologized for saying what she said by saying she was mistaken. Howard then asked Pat why he hasn't been on the show lately. Pat said he's ready and he's in the area for another week. He also wished Robin a happy new year as he got off the phone.

• Various Stuff. 1/14/00. 6:15am
  Howard spent the first part of the show talking about a bunch of stuff. First off Jackie was late coming in. They goofed on him for a minute. Howard also brought up an article about David Letterman having possible heart problems. He read the article and said that it sounds pretty scary. They also spent some time talking about the football games that are coming up this weekend.

• Pat Cooper Comes In. 1/14/00. 7:00am
  70 year old comedian Pat Cooper came in this morning to play the Gossip Game with Howard and the gang. Late in the show yesterday Pat called in to yell at Robin for something she'd said about him recently. This morning Robin explained why she said what she said. She was reacting to something Pat had done behind the scenes. Apparently Pat called Gary and told him he was going to Imus' show and apologized but then took back the apology and said he had to live his life and do what he had to do. So when Robin heard that Pat was bad mouthing Howard, she said that there are some people you can't do enough for. This morning Pat came in and talked about the situation and doesn't think much of it. Neither does Howard. Howard does think that perhaps there should be a little loyalty toward his show because he put him on before Imus ever did but he's not going to hold it against him.

  Howard got off of the Imus subject and moved on to other things. Pat told Howard he had a theory on his separation. Pat said that Geraldo broke up with his wife a week before Howard did then Howard broke up with his wife so perhaps the two of them are gay lovers. Pat said that he's been contacted by The Globe to comment on Howard's separation but he tells them it's none of his business and won't make any comments. He tells them to leave him alone already.

  Howard learned that sometimes Pat will actually return a check after doing a show that he doesn't like. One example was when Pat wouldn't take a check from Tom Chiusano for doing some comedy show. Pat said that he didn't think he was going to get paid for that show anyway and his routine was shortened from 15 minutes to 5 minutes so he returned the check to Tom. Howard then learned that Pat is worth more than $100 Million! He said he's made good investments over the years and he's worth more than Howard will ever be worth. He bought some property in Las Vegas that went way up in value so he's got plenty of money. He said he has cut down on the amount of work he does but he still gets around. Next week he goes down to Florida to make the rounds at the condos down there.

  Howard took a break and when he came back he had Mike Walker on the phone to play the gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:

  1. Jennifer Aniston made a comment about Courtney Cox's weight after their Christmas vacation and now Courtney won't speak to Jennifer.
  2. While filming the new ''The Grinch who stole Christmas'' Jim Carrey got stuck in a port-a-pottie because his costume fingernails wouldn't allow him to open the latch from inside.
  3. After John Malkovich was approached by a homeless guy he went to a sporting goods store and got a baseball bat to chase the guy off.
  4. After Will Smith autographed the forehead of a 14 year old girl with a red marker he was yelled at by the child's mother. She threatened him with legal action.
  Pat picked number 2 as the false story. Howard and Robin picked number 1 while Jackie picked number 3. Fred went with number 4. The actual false story was number one so Howard and Robin were the big winners this week. Mike got a plug in for his book ''Malicious Intent : A Hollywood Fable'' and the National Enquirer TV show then Howard spent another minute with Pat and then quickly moved on to the next segment.

• Christine Wants A Date With Benjy. 1/14/00. 8:05am
  This 23 year old woman Christine came in this morning to go out on a date with Benjy. She told Howard that she saw Benjy on the E! show one night when he was wrestling Jasmin St. Claire. She said he seemed like he'd be a sweet guy from the way he was talking on the show. She was turned off by some of the things he's said about getting hand manipulation from prostitutes but she was willing to look past that today. She told Howard that she likes him also saying that he has a ''strong face''. Jackie said it's so strong it could be used as a hammer. Howard then brought Benjy in to meet Christine who seemed to be very sincere about wanting to meet a nice guy like Benjy. Benjy then came in and immediately started to make himself look like an idiot. The first thing he said was how great her breasts looked. Strike one! He then went on to tell her that he still has a crush on this girl Maryanne and that she's not as hot as her. He also said that he's been told that you should date another woman to make the woman you're really in love with jealous. Strike two! Then he said that he was looking forward to going on the date and spending as much as She could afford. Strike three! Then he asked Christine why she was attracted to him. She told him he seemed like a sweetheart and that he came off as being intelligent. Then he asked her if there was any chance of something(sexual) happening on the date today. Strike four! She didn't seem to react to this stuff too badly.. yet. Then Benjy told her that he doesn't think she's his type for marriage! Strike five! Howard then freaked out and told him to get out of the studio. He blew it big time. He tried to explain it by saying he read a book that said you should try to act disinterested to get a girl. Howard didn't want to hear it so he kicked him out of the studio. Poor Christine had tears welling up in her eyes. She couldn't believe how wrong she was about him.

  Howard decided to find Christine a date so he took a couple of phone calls from listeners. One guy, Rich, sounded like a nice guy so he set the two of them up for a date today. Rich is a carpenter and he seemed like a nice guy on the phone so Christine agreed to go out with him. They'll probably come back on the show to talk about their date in the future.

  After Christine left Benjy came in and said Howard was acting like a dick. He and Howard yelled at each other for a couple of minutes. Howard finally had to kick him out once again.

• Dick Clark Calls In. 1/14/00. 8:25am
  Dick Clark called in this morning to promote the American Music Awards which will air Monday night at 8pm. Howard once again brought up how much Dick is worth because he seems to be fascinated by it. Howard found out last time that Dick owns some cable rights down in Mexico so he can make tons of money off of it. Dick downplayed it trying not to make a big deal out of it. Howard then asked Dick what he thought about the whole New Years Eve thing this year. He wanted to know if Dick was upset by ABC not having Dick on as much as they have in the past. Dick said he wasn't upset and thought that overall Peter Jennings' special news segment was pretty good. He did say that there were some dull moments in there but it was pretty good.

  Dick just wanted to get the plugs in for his American Music Awards this morning so he tried to do that. He told Howard that the Grammy Award people have been trying to keep some musical acts off the AMA's by threatening them. He said he can't give out any of the groups that have decided not to do the AMA's right now but perhaps in the future he will tell Howard. Dick then went on to rattle off some of the acts that will be on the awards show on Monday. Some of them include Beck, Mariah Carey, Lenny Kravitz and Christina Aguilera. He also said you can go to ABC's web site and vote for Artist Of The Decade. Howard picked Prince for the 1980's while Robin picked Madonna. Dick said they'd compare notes on Tuesday.

• Who Wants To Be A Crackhead Turkish Millionaire. 1/14/00. 9:05am
  Crackhead Bob came in this morning to sit in during the news. Howard decided to play a game of ''Who Wants to be a Turkish Millionaire'' with him first. They noticed that Bob has gotten his nasty teeth fixed recently so he was smiling a lot. Robin said as long as Bob doesn't talk you'd think he was normal. Howard then had Bob play the game. All he had to do was answer 3 questions correctly to win his Turkish Lira. The first question was ''What year is it?'' Bob has trouble with numbers so he was saying ''One, Two.. dero, dero, dero'' Howard said that's 12,000. Then Bob got around to just saying ''Two, dero, dero, dero'' which translates into 2,0,0,0. One question correct. The next question was ''What day comes after Sunday?'' Bob had a little more trouble with this one. He first said ''Daturday'' and then said ''Domorrow'' and, after some help from Howard he finally said ''Oneday'' which was close enough to Monday to get it correct. The question he really had trouble with was ''Who is buried in Grant's tomb?'' Bob let out an ''Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay'' and had no clue. Howard had Baba Booey get Gary the Retard on the phone as Bob's lifeline. Gary the Retard was just as clueless. Robin tried to help out. She asked Gary if his parents were dead. Gary's mother was dead so she asked him who's buried in her grave. Gary said that his mom is in his mom's grave. ''Okay, so who's in Grant's grave?'' she asked. Gary then said ''Her mom?'' Howard then tried to get Bob to answer again. Bob said he thinks it's a woman but doesn't know the name. Howard finally gave him a multiple choice answer. He said it is one of the following:
  • You (Bob)
  • Gary the retard
  • Grant
  • Steve
  Both Bob and Gary said it's Steve. Howard gave him some more hints and Bob finally got it correct with Grant. Whew! Howard said that this was one hell of an anti-drug statement. ''Don't Do Dack!'' said Crackhead Bob. Crackhead Bob stuck around during the news segment and commented on some of the stories.

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